Suicide poems thoughts

Throwaway account because my siblings are lurkers on Reddit themselves and I’d prefer not adding fuel to the fire.
Hi all, I (25m) and my wife (29f) have been dealing with this situation for a couple years now, and recently I told a few folks (ones not particularly close to know those involved, so I don’t hold it against them) and they told straight up that I’m an asshole for how I handled it. Since the ‘other’ subreddit seems a bit disconnected from reality sometimes, I wondered what you fine folks think.
So to start from the beginning, I met my wife online a few years ago and we instantly clicked together perfectly. After dating for a year, we agreed to get married and our life together couldn’t be more perfect… until this debacle occurred about six months into our marriage.
Now for context, when I met my wife I was in a group chat with my sister (27f), her husband (25m), my brother (16m), my best friend (27m), and our DM friend (28m). Just the usual shitpost/D&D group, you know the kind. When things started getting serious with my wife, I took very cautious and tentative steps to have her join the group; we’re talking video calls, chats, all to ensure they were perfectly fine with it. Lemme stress that I said they were more than welcome to say they weren’t comfortable with it and there wouldn’t have been any hard feelings. But they were fully accepting of her, hell the DM even incorporated her into the D&D game because he said he wanted to!
We were living with my parents at the time, which by extension means we were living with my brother who, for all I could tell, absolutely loved hanging out with my wife! Hell I thought everyone did, until my mother suddenly called me for an ‘intervention’ that threw my whole life upside down.
Now I was going through a rough period in my life for a variety of reasons (depression over my aimless life, low money because of shitty jobs, the works), and it’s thanks to my wife that I got through that with my sanity intact… this is important I swear.
My mother tells me she’s received several worrying messages and phone calls from mutual friends expressing concern about me because I’ve been distant lately for the above mentioned reasons, but not because life sucks… but because of my wife. As it turns out, my sister and brother had been telling people that my wife was severely emotionally abusing me and forcing me to be more and more distant from my friends and family… and had been for basically the entirety of our relationship.
I was stunned, flabbergasted even. Not only had I not had any idea this was going on, but that no one had even attempted to try to talk to me to clear the air! To add to the bombshell, my siblings reveal that not only were they doing this but they, my brother-in-law, and the DM have hated my wife and never wanted her involved in the first place! My best friend, bless the man, wisely knew that my issues weren’t the fault of my wife but instead the results of a shitty period of my life, and if anything could tell she was improving it! He was, sadly, ignored be everyone.
My siblings had manipulated my mother to their side, and all three were essentially telling me my wife was the source of my woes! Then they all proceeded to encourage me to divorce her, saying that she was permanently changing me for the worse. I won’t lie, I stupidly lashed out: I told them that the suicidal, THC-fueled, depressed veteran they were all used to wasn’t who I was, and that my wife was actively changing me into a hardworking, dependable man who was trying to change himself for the better and clean up his life. I was distant because I was going through a lot, and if they had just friggin’ talked to me, I would’ve made this clear! Lot more cussing involved, but you catch my drift.
This had the opposite effect I hoped for, cause they doubled down and said at this point I was gaslighting myself and believing my wife’s lies. They wanted their fun-loving partying brother back, not the man I had become. I told them they were all dead to me, to never contact me or my wife again, and promptly moved out. A friend almost coincidentally had an opening for roommates and we took it as soon as the room was available.
My mother has come around over the years, mostly thanks to my father (who didn’t even remotely believe my siblings, Gods bless that man) convincing her. My siblings? Nothing, not even when I tried to reestablish some form of contact. As far as I know, they still believe their claims.
So, Reddit… am I the asshole for how I handled things? Did I overreact? Was my anger and actions justified?

I remember when I had this at 15 years old and I though there was no way out, It was such a dark time in my life, I cried almost everyday, thought nothing I do would work,I was suicidal and I was at breaking point, ut lasted about 8 months and slowly went away. I was using ear protection/ear molds at first It made no difference but it worked overtime and now I don’t have this constant agony anymore. I don’t wear protection anymore , it only comes back because I played smth loud for too long, but it doesn’t last. Do not lose hope!!Im I’m 19 now and I only came back because I logged back in my old account and saw this community

I thought things were going really, really well between us, we’d been together almost 3 months. We had talked about our wants/needs/goals/life plans. We agreed that our lives meshed well and we were excited about the future. She showed me off to all her friends and coworkers, posted sweet things on social media. Always made me feel loved and cared for. For the first time in my life I felt secure in a relationship, like not afraid of the person leaving or cheating on me. Last week she bought a book for us to fill out that has like couples milestones in it and cute little relationship things. But then Monday abruptly she texted me that she didn’t see us working out long term because we are too different and she wanted to end things. I just feel so blindsided. We spent the weekend together and it was great, like it always had been. I asked her if we could try to work it out and she just said it just wouldn’t work. She also just texted me all this, which in hindsight is kind of shitty.
I’m on my period so i’m probably taking this harder than usual. I just don’t get what went so wrong. I’m afraid like maybe I did or said something and she is using this as an excuse to break up? i’m almost afraid to ask for more details because I don’t want to seem desperate, like I can’t let it go. She has been stressed about work lately and she does have bpd, but I am not sure if this is related? I wished her well and it was amicable, no drama. But I’m just now starting to really feel the pain.
I just really thought things were great. She wrote a poem for me just a few days ago and it was so sweet. Now I’m sitting here wondering if anything she said was real. Am I actually any of the nice things she said? It gave me so much confidence and now i’m just broken.
Advice?

I'm currently a student who's looking to get admission into college. I've written a series of tests that haven't gone so well. As my father was driving me back from the test center (where I had given three tests in the span of 10 hours and was pretty wrung out), we came across a pharmacy ad which said they'd give a 20% discount and home delivery. My father made a loud comment about not needing medicine, which I disagreed with for no particular reason. He asked me what I'd want and I said poison (for no particular reason again). To which he suddenly acted like I'd said a very bad thing and he would relay it to my mother.
I didn't understand what he meant and simply continued talking. While coming home I began to feel guilty as I realized that he probably thought that I'd wanted to use it on him because we were sorta having an argument earlier (no particular reason we were both tired and irritated). When he came home and talked to my mother I got to know that he thought that the poison was for myself. I apologized to him and told him that I didn't know he'd take it in that manner.
He still won't speak to me, but he goes right back to telling my mother that I wouldn't be getting any good engineering college and would probably get a low salary in the future. I mean considering the events someone would've thought that he'd treat me a bit more gently but instead he isn't talking to me and demeaning me at the same time. What am I supposed to do now?
TLDR: My dad thinks I'm about to commit suicide because of an offhand comment and has since stopped talking to me even after I apologized. He's not a good conversation partner thus I can't talk to him without knowing exactly what I want to say

34M. Tired with life and sometimes i get suicidal thoughts. Just want an proper break from this Rut.
I lack social skills and am broke. Already went to vipassana, but the waitlist is long, too long.
Is this even possible?

How Dare She Attack Her Own Mother?
Some years back I divorced my husband. His crime? He was chemically dependent—an alcoholic. I blamed him for making me depressed, suicidal, and miserable. I honestly believed I would rid myself of the shameful disease by divorcing him. Several years down the road, I was somewhat surprised that two of our three children were also alcoholics. The more I tried to control them, the more they spiraled out of control. As I continued to lash out with cruel words, corporal punishments, and escalating consequences, one of them became violent towards me.
​Perhaps that’s the only thing my daughter thought she could do. One day, in the midst of a heated and shrewish exchange , she broke my nose with the sole of her boot. The death threat that followed fell on numb ears. I felt a morbid sense of satisfaction as they handcuffed her and stuffed her into the police car. I was glad to see she was gone. At least I’d be able to sleep without locking my bedroom door.
In the courtroom, as I walked past my daughter I felt a smug vindication. How dare she attack her own mother? She stood, rattled the shackles on her feet, and growled as I passed, “Are you happy now?” I have to admit, I was pleased. Her comment washed away any pity I might have felt for her.
The judge sentenced my daughter to a teen rehab program. He sentenced both of us to attend Al-Anon meetings—together! I didn’t want to be on the same planet as my daughter, let alone in the same room. But I went because the judge ordered me to go. When I arrived at my first Al-Anon meeting , I was one of those angry and arrogant members I had read about in Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism (P-48). I attended Al-Anon religiously, noting each meeting for the judge. All the while, in a cloud of depression, I continued to plan my suicide.
After only two weeks I noticed some of the black clouds lifting. Life was no longer more than I could bear. Even work seemed tolerable. I decided since Al-Anon helped me better, maybe the Twelve Steps and a Sponsor could help even more. I attacked the Steps zealously. Finally I found a way to dig myself out of the grave where I had been living. The harder I worked on my program, the better I felt. By the time I reached Step Nine and was ready to make amends to my daughter , our relationship was already on the mend.
Two and a half years later our relationship our relationship grows stronger every day. All of the loved ones I pushed away are back in my life. I awake each morning grateful to my Higher Power for another day full of light and love.
The day I stood before the judge with my daughter was possibly the blackest day of my life. When I worked Step Nine, I wrote the judge a thank-you note. He saved my life by sending me to Al-Anon. By: Sandra K.,Wyoming September, 2003Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

Just found my little brother (21) committed suicide last night. He was in a great place had tried in the summer (got an eval at the hospital and they said he’d be fine). He’d also been struggling with drugs for a few years it got a lot worse he asked us to stay with him because rehab but him on a waiting and he “didn’t want to turn into a junky” (his words).
I’m still at university, my travels a lot so we sent his computer for remote access (he really needs his digital to stay sane) that way he could work wether he was at my place or my dad’s. I set my phone up so his calls and messages always went through, i always answered. Missed his texts a few times told him to just call, always called back.
He was at my dad’s place and he sneaked out at night, left a note saying he loved us and we’d been amazing but that things were too painful and he didn’t want to continue living. My called his phone in the morning and the police answered. He hung himself in a park.
I’m just lost, I’ve so many different thought and feelings go through and nothing coherent. I loved him… I did everything i could… he was going to come and spend the week with me while my dad was abroad… i miss him… i feel abandoned… i knew there was a risk something like this could happen… i thought it would be an overdose… i can’t even grasp it… i want to talk to him about him being dead… I know it’s not true but can’t help but i could have done something different… that i failed…
I’m a crying mess at this point, on the train to go see my dad and sister.

I realise this will probably get buried by Reddit but I think writing my thoughts down will help me either way. If someone does read I would like an outside perspective.
An inability to stick to any sort of routine or habit has been an issue since I've actually needed to do it which was when I first had exams for school.
I was just about intelligent enough to get away with it through school and end at a decent university doing mathematics. I'd like to point out I did try repeatedly to get routines working and tried most methods I could find online.
I had a year out of school before university where I worked hospitality jobs and jobs that required no experience and although I enjoyed my time out of education it made me realise it's not the kind of job I would like to work in long term.
I entered university with this mindset and decided I wouldn't fall back into my old ways from school. This lasted about a month and through all of first year I basically repeated my old habits and scraped passes in all my modules. Luckily first year results don't count towards my degree which I believed at the time to be the primary reason I didn't have any motivation.
For second year first semester I did consistent half-assed work convincing myself I was doing more than I was and that certain things weren't necessary. I've never actually done consistent work so I saw this progress. When exams came around I realised I've done nowhere near enough and decided now was the time to get my shit together for the second semester.
I bought and read the entirety of "atomic habits" byJames Clear and decided I would use it and advice from the Internet to rewire how I think and hopefully finally fix this issue that I see as the main barrier to me getting satisfaction from life.
I went about a week doing what I wanted until I slipped. I woke up and just couldn't make myself get out of bed. I was on my phone until about 4pm when I woke up at 10am.
For the next week this happened or I was similarly distracted 3/4 times and I realised that once the novelty of my routine sets in my brain is going to take the path of least resistance so I need to make doing my work the most enjoyable thing to do.
I deleted every app off my phone that I would use to distract me if I could. I barred myself from using any enjoyable pass time until I complete what I want done in the day. Unfortunately I realised quite quickly I could easily trick myself into thinking I had grasped a concept or that I had done sufficient work for the day too easily.
So I decided I wasn't allowed to watch any TV or do anything on the Internet. I stopped myself from listening to music. I basically removed anything that could have a quicker rewards response than my work from my life.
My productivity and focus was up for 2 days but then carne straight back down to where it was. My mind was able to distract me internally without needing external stimuli even when I put myself in a library cubical with no vision of my surroundings and noise cancelling headphones with nothing playing through. No matter how hard I tried to stay on task I would go down deep unrelated trains of thought.
The only times I can get consistent commitment are random times where I get 1-2 hours of focus. In these times I can achieve the same amount of work as I can in 6-7 hours of work when I'm distracted.
This semester felt like my hail Mary to get my life to a state where I have excitement about what my future will look like and now my first exam is tomorrow and I'm nowhere near the level I need to be for it.
I feel apathetic. I've been frustrated at times because I feel if I could just do some consistent work then these exams wouldn't even be difficult. But now I kind of feel nothing. I'm not depressed. Suicide has never crossed my mind nor will it. I just no longer have any sort of point or idea about even what approach to take in life.
Any advice, thoughts, opinions would be appreciated. I would like to point out if there's any productivity tip you have and it exists in on the Internet then I've almost certainly read it and tried it. I have had so many to-do lists, planners, calenders, and apps over my time trying to fix this.
The only thing I have yet to try is study drugs. I can source Adderall for myself illegally but it's very expensive if I wanted it daily and I'm concerned about potential addiction.

Hello all! I took some time off to focus on another project and give myself a fresh set of eyes for this book and query. I really underestimated the work that goes into a good query. I've revised the opening of my book and redone the query to be more dynamic. Any and all feedback is welcome!
Dear [agent],
Life is a death sentence, and James Cross has died 20 times. But, thanks to Clonecare, you can have your bullet and eat it too. James final clone-claim results in a “defective” clone that’s taller, smarter, and stronger. What James doesn’t know is that he’s now thrown into the middle of a conspiracy to hide the better clonecare that only the rich and powerful get. Adam Miller, CEO of the largest clone insurer in America, sends his personal assassin after James; a wall of muscle known only as “Janzen.” If James dies, he won’t be coming back this time.
Deciding that his life must mean more than the sum of his deaths, James wants to do something big. He has one year before his defective body will die. One year to change the world or die trying.
Nick Druune hasn’t been close to anyone since his violent and bitter divorce from his husband. But, due to poverty, he’ll be working alongside his ex-coworker, James Cross. James wants to make “The Emotional Network,” an app linking users on the same emotional spectrum. James tells Nick it’s because he wants users to see the human beyond the screen. Nick has his suspicions but can’t afford to pass up the job. He should have listened to his doubts.
Nick is too late to see what James was really building: a death cult. Death. Rebirth. Death. Business as usual, right? As rioting breaks out across America, a manhunt is on for James and Nick with the police and Adam Miller chasing after the two. The cult, fueled by James calling for more people to “self-claim,” asks the question: how do you stop a death cult when resurrection is on the table?
CLONECARE is a Sci-Fi, dark comedy about the value we place on life compared to the deductible we get billed for it. Complete at 97k words, this standalone novel will appeal to readers of Autonomous by Annalee Newitz and Mickey7 by Edward Ashton.
First 300:
Chapter 1
Twenty Deaths or Fewer

“You need to die less.”
The words had bounced around James’ mind for several days. As his body hurled toward the ground, he couldn’t stop thinking about dying less. It was his first suicide; he wasn’t sure what else to think about. Maybe he should have thought about his childhood. A warm memory of being with his mother. Anything other than the mundanity of policy changes and premium charges. What poetic things do other people die thinking about, he wondered. Of course there were a million other, better things to ponder while falling twenty stories. None of that mattered in the end. This end, that is; not any of the other twenty endings James has had. It had started three days ago, when James had a meeting with Marie Carmine, his local clone insurance agent. They met in her office at C-Insure when she had said it.
“You need to die less.”
James was dumbfounded. The problem wasn’t the price, the system, or the deep sigh in which Marie had callously said it, the problem was him, according to her.
Marie had given this speech to her customers with alarming frequency as of late. Even though she had lost count of the number of times she had explained the situation, it felt new and terrible and fresh every time one of her customers called or, in James Cross’s case, showed up at her door asking about their coverage change. She was at a loss for reassuring words after explaining the policy change to him.
“Maybe try and take a few days to weeks and calm down your adventures.” She felt like a doctor having to explain to a patient how to drink water.
“That’s your answer? Die less?

Im trying to quit or stay off weed for awhile. I want to see if my eye symptoms improve if i quit weed. I dont expect it to be cured but i really hope i see atleast 20 percent improvement if i quit for 6 months maybe. If i see improvement, i might end up staying off it for good. I love being high but the hughs arent as intense as they use to be and now my eyes just get even drier the next day. I get severe depression and suicidal thoughts from my chronic health issues and to have to be forced to deal with them all day sober just seems unbearable for me. It FEELS unbearable to get through the day with severe dry eye and other debilitating health issues i have. The only way to find out if my eyes will improve is to go sober. I hope i can get to a point where i can watch two movies a week if i quit. I know improvement wont happen overnight. Anyone take cbg? I heard cbd can also cause dry eyes. I feel i need something that calms me down without making me high and kratom just makes me feel sick lol. I feel like quitting would be ALOT easier if i didnt suffer from chronic health issues everyday so i dont know what to do. Anyone try cbg in replacement of weed?

My bf behaved unfaithfully a couple years ago and it’s been an ongoing issue since. He didn’t cheat physically, but he did flirt and entertain other women we knew (both hidden from me and literally in front of me). Then he tried to pin blame on me (for calling it out) and didn’t apologize or admit wrongdoing for a long time. It absolutely destroyed my trust, I hadn’t had any issues with him having women friends and also thought he could handle a coworker hitting on him himself, but he betrayed my trust on both fronts.
I used to be the kind of woman who was just so in love. I wrote poems to him, painted art on a whim for him. I would drop racks on gifts. I loved him so much even when I had my suspicions about his infidelity. I apologized and took the blame when he told me I was the problem for calling him out.
I’ve tried very hard to get over it, especially his behavior towards one of his woman friends, but instead I find myself being a less loving partner and being venomously jealous towards this other woman. It’s not even about our relationship anymore, my jealousy has evolved beyond that. It’s obsessive and creepy and it makes me hate myself and hate her, when she doesn’t deserve that. I’ve only ever been kind to this woman face to face, but I am two-faced. I hate seeing her and I hate hearing her name (my bf used to bring her up nearly everytime we hung out, and even now people who know her almost constantly bring her up, she is a likeable person, especially for men). And it’s brought up complicated feelings about my ethnicity too.
I know I need to find the right therapist for this, but is there hope? Or will it always be this way? Have any of you recovered from toxic jealousy?

Starting with New Year I had two months abstinence streak. Felt good. And then there was occasion where I had a glass of wine. After that I would drink until it hurts for the following two months. Two weeks pause and cycle repeats. Three days ago I drank 12 beers and some liquor. Yesterday I had suicidal thoughts and today I cried. I think nobody, even my wife or faily and friends realize I have nasty drinking problem. Wherever I go there is booze. I just don't know how to get out of this hell. Drink eases my anxiety and pain but the next day is hell. Really I don't know how to navigate this landmine territory. Today I'm just popping pills for pain, anxiety. World looks like a bad place and I don't even want to play anymore. My life is objectively good but I realize alcohol is slowly destroying it all. If anyone has any ideas how to even start and detox please help. Be kind. I'm already judged harshly by myself.

I have never talked about any of this out loud because I don’t wanna accept it, I’m so tired and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. Every morning I have been waking up and immediately crying. I started college about 4 years ago during the pandemic and immediately knew it wasn’t right for me but I pushed through. I have extreme social anxiety, it is so hard for me to leave the house alone and going to class has been a huge struggle especially because it was originally all online. The worst part is I have gone in extreme debt to pay for this schooling. In some ways the investment has helped me to grow and make new friends but I have also lied to my family about passing certain classes and what my minor is. The truth is I’m in a major that I have no clue what I will do with and I failed most of my classes last semester. This month was supposed to be when I graduated college, but I have two semesters left. My closest friends are also in this situation but quickly registered for summer classes so they can graduate in the fall. My anxiety has been so bad that I’m scared to reach out to my advisor to create a plan and truthfully I want to die so I don’t have to continue down this path. I have got myself into a bad financial situation with credit cards despite working 2 jobs while attending school. I have learned a lot these past few years and made some amazing friends I am just so tired of this anxiety in my chest constantly telling me that everything I need to do is the scariest thing in the world. How will I ever maintain a full time job with this anxiety, that’s simply my version of hell at this point. I haven’t told any of my friends or family about this situation and the constant suicidal thoughts I experience. I have great days all the time but in the back of my mind is still this feeling of emptiness and failure. I know the right answer is just to face my fears and get in contact with my advisor, and while that feels simple in my mind I feel frozen in fear to even attempt it. My perception of reality is so warped that I feel like ending my life is easier than being honest about my problems, how pathetic is that.
EDIT: after typing this out I realized I can try to fix my problems before doing anything I can’t take back.

For years, off and on, I experience this debilitating thing I believe to be related to anxiety, as it seems to be triggered by anxious thoughts. Basically, it feels like every muscle in my body tenses up and has electricity running through it, making it impossible to sit still. I start to feel very dissociated, and then the oddest part of the whole thing is it usually ends up in me becoming overwhelmingly tired to where I am forced to sleep, sometimes NOW. Like find a safe place to chill because you are about to check out for a few minutes. This can all happen in the span of a few minutes beginning with a trigger thought. I have looked into akathisia, syncope (fainting), narcolepsy,etc in combination with anxiety but nothing seems to be fully describe what I am experiencing. I have brought it up to medical providers in some form or fashion for years and it's like they don't fully hear me...almost like they only take in what they recognize and feel they can help with and leave the rest unconsciously.
Sometimes when this happens, it is fairly minor and I can defeat it using grounding exercises. Other times, it is absolutely overwhelming and debilitating to the point where I get very little work done in an 8 hour day. I have had to pull over driving before because the urge to sleep gets so intense after the anxious thoughts kick in. When it is overpowering like this, nothing helps it.
I have OCD, generalized anxiety, and DPDR. I am trying to do a lot in my life right now as far as bettering myself, but this thing can be so debilitating, I start into a spiral of self-pity, self-destructive thinking, and suicidal thoughts.
I now know what people mean when they say it helps just being able to put a name to something they are experiencing, because I absolutely feel like that right now. You can't address a problem if you don't even know what the problem is.
Any help or insight is appreciated.
Thanks

Depressed uni student here. I thought things would get better past the teenage phase but I'm an adult now and still dysfunctional as ever. I feel like my brain hasn't developed at all for the past 10 years and I'm still having the same depressing mindset towards everything.
I don't have that one friend group I stick to, but more like a background friend or nomad that hangs out with different groups upon the very occasional invite. Oftentimes during their conversations I would just listen and not say anything because my mind is blank and I literally can't think of anything to add to the discussion. Because of this, people don't like to hang out with me especially on a 1-to-1 setting due to my lack of substance as a human being.
To make things worse, I'm a very grade-obsessed person which most people can't even relate. I study with the sole intention of good grades, to the point where I don't find anything interesting to learn and talk about. Past final exams and my brain will memory wipe everything. They always say "you just have to find the right people to hang with", but what if I'm too dysfunctional as a human being to even have a genuine friend? What if I'M the problem? Making friendships now has gotten way harder in adulthood because everyone's talking about relationships, career paths and financial plans yet I just want to be a study machine forever, because it is so much easier than working.
"You can change yourself." Problem is, I'm so used to this depressed notion for years, I have zero desire to. Knowing myself I'll probably just rant here, wake up the next day and do nothing about it and let the cycle repeat itself. I'm just living life as bare minimum as I can, with a passively suicidal mindset hoping for that one day I'll miraculously stop waking up.

Assalam Alaikum,
This is kind of an urgent question for anyone who can help. I know a muslim brother living in London all by himself, he doesn't have family or friends, and unfortunately doesn't have medical insurance. He told me few times he has suicidal thoughts, but today it seemed a little more scary than usual. I don't live in the UK and don't know if there is any other possibility to help him except calling Emergency. I don't know if calling Emergency would even help?
If anyone have any idea or advice about how to help, it would be really appreciated

I realise this will probably get buried by Reddit but I think writing my thoughts down will help me either way. If someone does read I would like an outside perspective.
An inability to stick to any sort of routine or habit has been an issue since I've actually needed to do it which was when I first had exams for school.
I was just about intelligent enough to get away with it through school and end up at a decent university doing mathematics. I'd like to point out I did try repeatedly to get routines working and tried most methods I could find online.
I had a year out of school before university where I worked hospitality jobs and jobs that required no experience and although I enjoyed my time out of education it made me realise it's not the kind of job I would like to work in long term.
I entered university with this mindset and decided I wouldn't fall back into my old ways from school. This lasted about a month and through all of first year I basically repeated my old habits and scraped passes in all my modules. Luckily first year results don't count towards my degree which I believed at the time to be the primary reason I didn't have any motivation.
For second year first semester I did consistent half-assed work convincing myself I was doing more than I was and that certain things weren't necessary. I've never actually done consistent work so I saw this as progress. When exams came around I realised I've done nowhere near enough and decided now was the time to get my shit together for the second semester.
I bought and read the entirety of "atomic habits" by James Clear and decided I would use it and advice from the Internet to rewire how I think and hopefully finally fix this issue that I see as the main barrier to me getting satisfaction from life.
I went about a week doing what I wanted until I slipped. I woke up and just couldn't make myself get out of bed. I was on my phone until about 4pm when I woke up at 10am.
For the next week this happened or I was similarly distracted 3/4 times and I realised that once the novelty of my routine sets in my brain is going to take the path of least resistance so I need to make doing my work the most enjoyable thing to do.
I deleted every app off my phone that I would use to distract me if I could. I barred myself from using any enjoyable pass time until I complete what I want done in the day. Unfortunately I realised quite quickly I could easily trick myself into thinking I had grasped a concept or that I had done sufficient work for the day too easily.
So I decided I wasn't allowed to watch any TV or do anything on the Internet. I stopped myself from listening to music. I basically removed anything that could have a quicker rewards response than my work from my life.
My productivity and focus was up for 2 days but then came straight back down to where it was. My mind was able to distract me internally without needing external stimuli even when I put myself in a library cubical with no vision of my surroundings and noise cancelling headphones with nothing playing through. No matter how hard I tried to stay on task I would go down deep unrelated trains of thought.
The only times I can get consistent commitment are random times where I get 1-2 hours of focus. In these times I can achieve the same amount of work as I can in 6-7 hours of work when I'm distracted.
This semester felt like my hail Mary to get my life to a state where I have excitement about what my future will look like and now my first exam is tomorrow and I'm nowhere near the level I need to be for it.
I feel apathetic. I've been frustrated at times because I feel if I could just do some consistent work then these exams wouldn't even be difficult. But now I kind of feel nothing. I'm not depressed. Suicide has never crossed my mind nor will it. I just no longer have any sort of point or idea about even what approach to take in life.
Any advice, thoughts, opinions would be appreciated. I would like to point out if there's any productivity tip you have and it exists in on the Internet then I've almost certainly read it and tried it. I have had so many to-do lists, planners, calenders, and apps over my time trying to fix this.
The only thing I have yet to try is study drugs, I can source Adderall for myself illegally but it's very expensive if I wanted it daily and I'm concerned about potential addiction.

I have a friend who I've known since my early elementary school days. They have always had a unique character to them and as a child I thought they were eccentric and wild. We had different homerooms for a few years so we drifted apart until our early teens. At that stage, they revealed to me that they self harmed and they were suicidal. As teenagers, I supported them in as many ways that I knew I could and they told teachers and saw counsellors and got diagnosis after diagnosis. Not only were they reluctant to stay consistent with therapy and medication but they also had a strained relationship with their parents. Towards the latter years of high school and the early years of college, things seemed to be ok. They moved away for college and had a circle of friends and were on regular doses of medication and sought out mental health services semi-regularly, they had an independent education plan that accommodated them in school. Despite things running on track in their life, they still struggled quite a bit socially and had a lot of needs that roommates and friends could not meet. They often got triggered in conversation and struggled to pick up everyday life skills like cooking and cleaning after themselves. It all went downhill when the college circle of friends left for their own sake. My friends and I (the high school friends) lived in a different city but we often kept in touch with them through a group chat. At one point, I brought up the possibility of them having undiagnosed autism because it might help them understand their needs especially if they get overwhelmed easily. I highly encouraged getting a diagnosis to be sure but it seemed to have sent them into a TikTok self-diagnosis spiral and from there they insisted they get overstimulated by everything and that we (their family and friends) need to accomodate them for that. It was difficult to navigate the middle ground of setting your own boundaries of bearing their weight but being sympathetic to their difficulty of getting by day to day. I put myself in therapy to cope with it all and my therapist helped a lot with setting my own boundaries.
The last straw for me was last summer; they decided to cut the use of weed cold turkey and we were surprised but proud of this stride for self-improvement. However, within a few weeks, things started to get really weird. They were mumbling to themselves and recalling strange memories, they revealed to us they no longer felt suicidal and wanted to better themselves and said they think they identify as trans. We did our best to listen and respect their new revelations by changing our language to their new pronouns. But the "memory recall" was getting weirder, some memories were one I shared with them and I can factually say that they are not the same ones I have (for example, we went our for ice cream and I remember having a calm conversation with them on a bench and then I departed towards the subway and they remember having ice cream and their old college friends coming to assault us). It seemed like these memories also had a lot to do with their trans identity, they recalled high school teachers knowing about their trans identity (even though this was not apparent to anyone let alone themselves in high school) and abusing them for it, they worried that we (their friends) were going to be harmed by family and co-workers by association with a trans person. We tried to reason with them, that they maybe projecting their fears onto the memories they seem to recall, that there are picture proofs of some memories that don't line up with what they recall but they were insistent. My friends and I have began to distance ourselves because it really began to affect us. Eventually, they got so paranoid they decided to turn themselves into the police insisting they were guilty of something. The police asked some questions and concluded they did nothing wrong and brought them to a hospital where they were kept their for observation for only 2 weeks before letting them go. I don't keep in contact with them directly but I check in through another friend who is more stable and well equiped to keep in touch and through their parents. Supposedly, they were working with a case worker after being released from the hospital but in a recent conversation with their parents it seems like they don't speak to anyone including the parents or leave the house.
They've tried therapy, medication, multiple mental health hotlines, in-patient care and possibly more that I can no longer recall. I'm at my wits end and their parents are struggling to even take care of them while they themselves are aging. It seems like no one has the capacity to help them and it feels so hopeless to hear they're slowly withering away. Where do you even go from here?

My mother emotionally abused me when I was young. She was extremely volatile, and as a result, when friends would yell at me later in life, I'd spiral into suicidal thoughts. I wonder, if your abuser is your parent, do you wish for their death?

mother. That sounds so dramatic, but I really don't have any ambitions, and although I have a career- I hate it and am resentful of it, bc I choose it for all the wrong reasons.
Dealing with my biological clock is one of the hardest things I have dealt with. It is hard in and of itself- everyday I feel forced to navigate a life I didn't want, while watching the life i did want slip out of my hands. And then there is another layer- that I have to deal with this silently. I do talk about it with my friends and family, therapist, but at the end of the day, how much is there to say? I don't want to bombard people with my constant depression nor do I want to sit around lamenting about it over dinner. Instead I just have to suffer silently. Even at work- a place where you would think i would get a little reprieve from these thoughts- they throw baby showers for my colleagues... I can't escape this, but also I can't really talk about it.
There was a time I used to placate myself by saying I would have/adopt a baby by myself at 40 if it didn't work out otherwise. But now that I am approaching 40 I am slapped with reality- that this is just not feasible. I can't afford to have a baby myself.. its almost comical to think at one time I soothed myself with this. How would I pay for child care alone? My parents are in their 70's, I can't expect them to help like i could have had I had a baby a decade ago.
My parents aging adds another layer to this, because I am just so sad that I actually may end up living a life where I don't have my own family, once my parents pass away. I am not suicidal, but honestly when I think of that, I do really wonder how I can continue on.
Its just all so sad to me and I spend my days going in and out of tears. I haven't actually worked in weeks, bc I am just so sad. I just can't believe this is my life.

My whole life I’ve struggled with friendship and myself. I’m graduating high school and I think the entire school year I’ve had the most suicidal thoughts and ideas I’ve had my whole life up to this point. I’m about to graduate in 1 month.
A few years ago I planned to kill myself after high school was over. I wonder if I’ve set my own fate with how ive felt the whole year.
I grew up with depression, I have an extremely emotional father whose anger reigns above his other emotions. I have a dismissive mother who criticizes me. I have a brother who’s my best friend.
So far the only person to show any genuine care for my wellbeing is my English teacher.
My friends betray me even though I’ve only given them love and appreciation. They aren’t there for me when I need them most.
It makes me wonder if anybody would actually care if I killed myself. My father says he cares about me but I don’t think he would care. My mother says she loves me I don’t think she would care. My brother is nonchalant.
Somebody tell me life gets better. I’ve planned to jump off a bridge crossing over from Philadelphia to New Jersey. Or maybe overdosing on my adhd medication pills.
I’m so tired. I’m so fucking tired. I’m so tired.

Part 32, a return to Kraisal, and my return to actually posting chapters. We get to see the aftermath of the four-part operation, and I get to deal with Reddit formatting changes. I upload Wednesdays, at 4PM to 5PM British Summer Time. Credit to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the universe of NoP, and the amazing u/ShermanTheMajor for proofreading! And thank you guys for reading. Enjoy the chapter!
Memory Transcript Subject: Second-Lieutenant Kraisal, SC Fighter Pilot Flybird 6, Callsign ‘Mimic’
Date [Standardised Human Time]: July 7th 2168
We all took our seats in this new, bigger briefing room. Despite the concrete walls, it still felt somehow nicer than the last one, more high tech. It might’ve been the lighting, shining down a dim electric blue on all of us.
I looked to the others, who all seemed to be in various states of exhaustion. I still felt pretty energetic, and most of the pilots looked well enough, but the other SCOSG members? Vilik looked like a blood vessel was about to pop, Larsela looked like she was barely awake, and Pegasus… I wasn’t sure. I never was with him. At least we all made it through okay enough. What happened to the others to make them so exhausted, though?
The base commander waved her tail, and we all looked at her as she began to speak. “The operation was a complete success. Despite unforeseen factors in some of the combat operations, you’ve all displayed a commendable level of resilience today. You should be proud of yourselves for making it this far” Damn, the hell happened to the others?
“While most of the pilots in this room were escorting our transports here, Mimic successfully destroyed most of the rebel anti-air and armoured fighting vehicles, with some assistance from friendly partisan forces, and paratroopers from the one-hundred-and-second airborne division. She also successfully shot down an enemy aircraft attempting to intercept friendly planes. Thanks to her actions here today, we all have a place to land, rest, and refuel, as well as a staging area for attacks deeper in enemy territory and towards the planetary defence guns”
“Meanwhile, Quartz One successfully escorted the East Sea Fleet past enemy naval defences, despite resistance from a small enemy fleet blockin her path. She also successfully shot down an enemy mercenary pilot, who was armed with laser weaponry and a superior aircraft. This has allowed us to strike closer to the planetary defence guns without having to rely as heavily on our air support. The Captain of the leading vessel also sent her a bottle of whiskey as thanks, though this will be locked up for the time being”
There was a small amount of chatter at the prospect of alcohol, and a couple people looked to Lars. That lucky bird. All I got was a scratched paint job.
“Quiet!” The base commander yelled, causing the chatter to cease before she continued. “Furthermore, Magnum successfully destroyed several IRBM silo’s, despite heavy ground resistance. He also successfully intercepted two IRBMs before they could reach friendly territory, despite one of these missiles both launching before its silo could be discovered, and being capable of evasive manoeuvres at low altitudes. This has prevented the enemy from launching potentially devastating attacks on our backlines, saving countless lives and allowing us to continue offensive operations unimpeded”
She took a small breath, and cleared her throat, before continuing. “Finally, Pegasus Three successfully escorted the transport carrying defectors into our territory, despite several attempted intercept missions from enemy squadrons, the loss of all decoy aircraft, and the pilot and copilot both being shot, with the former too injured to fly and the latter dead. He also successfully shot down an enemy mercenary squadron attempting to intercept the transport, despite being outnumbered by superior aircraft. The transport successfully landed here, and the pilot is stable. The passengers themselves are mostly unharmed, outside mild bruising from a rough landing, and are going through debriefing”
Jesus Christ, I thought my mission was the hard one. At least I didn’t have to dogfight a fucking missile.
“Overall, this leaves Coalition forces in a highly advantageous position in the war going forwards. The only remaining advantages held by the rebels is the fog of war, and the planetary defence guns, and we are almost in a place where we can wipe out the latter. Excellent work. Dismissed!”
As we all filed out of the briefing room, I began moving through the crowd, when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. Turning around, I noticed one of the paratroopers, looking to me with a slight grin on his face. “Hey, you’re that pilot that saved our asses, right? I wanted you to have this” He then held out a pack of jerky. “As thanks”
“Oh shit, thanks dude!” I replied, grabbing it and immediately devouring its contents.
“It’s the least I could do after you brought us through a second suicide mission alive. Shit, at this rate there’ll be propaganda posters with you on em”
“Eh, just doing my job” I grinned. “Look, I gotta go, see you around?”
“Sure” He replied casually, before walking off.
I turned around and began heading to my friends, managing to intercept Vilik and Larsela. The formers tail was wrapped firmly around his leg, while Larsela was rubbing her eyes with her talons, as if trying to stay awake. “Hey you two!” I greeted “How did you handle things? You both definitely look… Rough”
“How does it look!?” Vilik snapped, before audibly sighing. “Sorry, sorry. Just stressed. I had to deal with five fucking missiles, two of which managed to launch, one which had stealth capabilities, and the other nearly reached criticalaltitudeand-”
“Okok!” I cut him off. “Go figure out which bunk is yours and lie down or something, jesus!”
“Fine, fine! I’m going” And with that, he stormed off, leaving me and my very tired pal alone.
“So…” I began. “What about you?”
She stared into the ceiling for a moment, before slowly looking at me. “Hm? Oh, yeah. It went ok…” She then yawned, and began to stagger off. “I need to lie down though. Maybe we can walk and talk before I find my bed?”
“Sure!” I replied, walking after her. “That works!”
“Right, right… Yeah things went well, most of the fleet made it out untouched. The fact the Promenade had a railgun certainly helped. The rebels surrendered after the second ship was horizontally cut in half”
“Oh, that sounds cool as fuck!”
“More scary than cool” She responded, as we entered one of the barracks. “I felt it firing in my bones…”
“Oh, damn. Nevermind then… So uh, remember this morning? When you were gonna ask me something?”
“Hom? Yeah, kinda… Why do you ask?”
“Oh, I was just wondering what you were gonna ask me is all!” I chuckled.
“Oh, it’s… It was nothing” She muttered, before coming to a halt at one of the bunk beds. She quickly checked the two footlockers sitting at its foot, before crawling to the upper bunk. I decided to check the lockers too, noticing my stuff was there along with hers.
“Lucky coincidence…” I murmured, before sitting on the lower bunk, stretching, and taking a moment to relax, staring up at the bunk above me as I rested on the hard mattress. That moment to relax was then interrupted by an officer walking in, looking around the room, then walking up to me and Lars.
“Excuse me” They began. “Have either of you seen a uh, ‘Pegasus’ around here?”
Larsela waved a wing and flicked her tail feathers, signalling no, while I sat up slightly and shrugged. “Why are you looking for him?”
“The wife of one of the passengers wanted to thank him for saving her husband” They responded. “I believe the passenger in question is the one that flew the plane after the pilots injury, as well”
“Try checking the runway or something. I don’t know, maybe he’s checking out the hangars. He was usually around that kind of area in the last base, anyways”
“Right, thank you” They nodded, before walking off. I flopped onto my back, closed my eyes, and rested.
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