P.S please seek out help to me, or call your loved ones if you notice these early signs.
Marriage with you was my happiness but prison was already the big red flag that I ignored the moment I knew you 8 months ago. I had it wrapped around my finger, mistakes were bound to happen on our journey but going out to go do cheating was never & ever will be on my list. An 18 year old girl and a 22 year old man. I pushed you to do the best but even the ‘your happiness is my happiness’ did not want to align in your mind. For nearly 8 months your inner hidden subconscious led you to believe I was jealous of you. Jealous of your trading currencies, jealous of your looks, jealous of your job, jealous of your successes & passes, jealous of your money. I made mistakes most of these people were my old friends who i left without a word for you but I am not a try to impress girl, i never was & i never will be. All i wanted & asked for were flowers not a daily bags of expenses from you. I only wanted you to be kind and have a nice tone. When you love, you do love hard but your hatred and want to hurt me surpasses your love for me Murad, you never ever wanted to forgive me Murad but I have and I still do. Since i met you i’ve been on fight or flight mode, I fear you but im not scared of you anymore, but this is still your nature from a little baby to a grown man entering his prime years. You will not change or learn Murad. Changing does not mean praying 5 times and reading Quran. You still managed to fit another woman from another country in our marriage, forget the relationship it was haraam. I never done that Murad. I didnt keep a man on my iMessage or WhatsApp in our marriage. You love money, sex & drugs. It’s what you worshipped since young. That is your qismat. The difference is I had my reason not excuses for my mistakes but you had no reason or excuse Mo because that is in your blood it is how you were born and grew up. You became the waste end product of this emerging environment. I was never the way I was last year Murad, when I was 8, I was taking my shoes & clothes off on roads in my country to give to the poor children, I stole biscuits from my grandmother’s corner shop and was smacked just so I could to give to the orphans whereas at 9 you were smoking weed, having intercourse with women & carrying zombie knives in your pants, leaving a gun in higham hills park or St james park. And if i met men before you and wanted to conceal it you rip my throat off and attempt to take my life? Your story does not deserve to be told in schools Murad, your story is not a life lesson but a facade because you have not learned your lesson, you just become more & more proud about your old ways. You know why? Because I know you don’t regret it Murad, a person who regrets their deed does not boast or feels proud, the man who is regretful of his past actions asks for forgiveness, conceals the sin and moves on. The real reason why you boast about your case is because you were controlling the city’s drug supply. You love control & you love power. Do you know what happens to the elite above when they have so much money, do you know what is above money and below Dajjal? Power. You love power & being in control of your family, friends & wife. That’s how you’ve created your trust issues as well as your own fake army. People can’t be honest around you because you’ve pre built a foundation of fear Murad through your tone, words & agression. Control yourself before you control those around you. That’s the dynamics of it. Stop instilling fear in people to get your stomach full. I have the right to diagnose you with this, you have borderline personality with narcissistic personality and a lack of empathy; a result of your traumatic past experiences so Murad prove my point you don’t trust anyone else to handle my mistakes and forgive me or try to understand me unless you handle my mistake the way your revengeful gut wants to hurt and deal with me. I’ve made mistakes but my love was stronger than me hurting you, we always found each other when we needed each other the most. But that fell off when we got married, you chose friends over your wife waiting for you for 5 hours at home, and coming home to find out you have a secret girlfriend from a week in our nikkah. I forgive you Murad. How do I go to my class with other 18 year old girls knowing I married the lover of my life who nearly ended my life nights previously? How do I deal with this ? Im very mature and I don’t feel my age but somewhere in me is still 18.
You moulded me into a liar because of fear & you moulded me into a broken girl because of your past experience and mistakes i did and you did. Murad I didn’t care that you had no money. My vision is slowly settling into my system and I think the women, family and friends around you is okay with you making & spending haraam money but not me Murad. Just like how you did not like some of my ways and I changed even if i stumbled and made silly mistakes half way or when we ended but i did not like some of your ways and you didn’t change. I didn’t meet anyone. In fact Murad you are my worst nightmare. i ignored all your mistakes every one but little i knew, one day shut me down as if i was your biggest mistake. I put you in your place and you have never had that and neither have I been forced in that position, but yet i still cared if i had money just like when you were at work all day I begged my mother to send me money so my husband can have food in his belly from my bed. I went miles for you but then so did you. You crossed the line on 08/06/2024. You suffocated me with a pillow, grabbed my throat so hard I could not breathe, held a knife at my throat and bruised me, smacked me right on my entire left face and nose, attempted to throw me across the balcony in a tightening grip. I tried to hide the bruises from you, but my arm were in so much pain that when you threw me around I had to let the pain escape my mouth. Murad you ruined an 18 year old girl’s life, Murad I didn’t deserve it at all Murad you tainted and left a big stain by destroying me. Murad you are my biggest mistake but was not your biggest mistake & if thats what you believe then one day you will face the consequence of how big of a mistake I was to you like you said because i never physically, intentionally hurt you behind or in front of you. Its okay, I won’t let your mother or your family know what you done to me because God is the one who delivers justice, not me Murad. I bit you and slapped you so hard because you deserved it at that time, but did I deserve what you physically, mentally and intellectually put me through? Murad i was reading my Shahadah that night in your arms. I was really scared, I’ve never felt that scared. I was shaking. My body was shaken. My mind was shaken. My heart was shaken. Murad you gave me PTSD & trauma, you left me neglected and abused many times but I accepted you for you. I now have to go therapy and take medication Murad just because I hid talking to men in my past and you punished me in a way Allah’s mercy wouldn’t do. I did not cheat on you & I payed my truth in blood when I slit my wrist to prove to you that I did not cheat & or sleep with any men, I was a virgin Murad, but you accused me of the worst Murad in front of everybody Murad. You should have shot me in my heart there because thats where I hurt the most, it’s not fair. Murad If you’re reading this and think you are still a good kind man after what you done to me then prove me wrong, find that goodness seed inside of your heart and hold on to it and believe me for once Murad you know that man was lying to destroy us & it worked.
The night that traumatic night occured, my father previously mentioned to my mother ‘ this girl will die in his hands’ my dad predicted this action.
But that was not enough, your end goal was to murder me & you have. I died that night Murad, you broke me into pieces before and tried to kill me but the night on the 08/06/2024 you murdered me & I did not deserve a pinch of it. I constantly pleaded with you softly, I begged you to stop and stop hurting me that night. Murad do you know what hurts me ? Is if my father witnessed with his eyes how much you mashed my body so much with my face into the bed and wall with your hands & weight, you suffocated and tried to kill me with your hands Murad, I would die before i let my father witness you choking his daughter, history has repeated in your family and someone will do this to your daughter Murad and this time i promise you will see it happen in the moment and that is when your world will end. I didn’t meet anyone when we were together. Murad i promised you my time will come one day when i’ll make you face & understand the consequences of your abusive actions forget words. I won’t punish you, what is gone before is long gone & all you have now is the result of your actions. And that will be my last remembrance of you, you won’t see my face anywhere, you wont hear my name anywhere & you won’t find my anywhere. Murad you are not a man, you are not a stay.busy17 man either and you are definitely not a money motivated man. You sit down on your bed more than you get to work. I do not stand for revenge Murad so destiny and god will restore justice for my silence & sufferings that I faced all alone in your house. I had nobody. Nobody Murad. It was just me And God in your house. That night you nearly ended my life, i repeatedly said to myself ‘Papa please help me God please help me Papa please help me God please save me’ Murad when someone is in so much pain God takes away the pain not by ending their life but by taking their soul out of their body for a few seconds to relieve the pain. I did not meet anyone. My ‘revenge’ is not violence nor revenge itself, my revenge is God, only a taste of your medicine Murad, I will disappear out of your life so quietly without notice because you hurt me more than you love me. Life is not a game, but you are the one who chose this game to play so you’ll play it nicely now.
In the UK, 75% of ex-inmates reoffend within nine years of release, and 39.3% within the first twelve months, If you are reading this and wondered why I have written this there then you have guessed right,
because you a 22 year old man attempted homicide on an 18 year old girl through grievous bodily harm (GBH), strangulation in form of abuse, with evident body bruises on arm, face, inner thigh and chest/neck. Men like you Murad, they call you strangles. You are most likely to become killers in almost every situation & It is scientifically proven that if you strangle me and if i stay you WILL eventually kill me. Please check your google. My parents were right on their conscious prediction. My life never has and can not be trusted in your hands.
This is only 30% of everything. The rest I will keep to myself.

During the Second World War, a Japanese naval ship was attacked by American combat planes and sunk near Anatahan island.A total of 31 Japanese soldiers survived and made it to Anatahan Island in the Pacific Ocean, where one Japanese “couple” was living.The couple had been sent to the island on business before the war was initiated.
On the island, the couple taught the soldiers how to hunt and farm, even after the war ended.Being a remote island, however, the soldiers and couple had no form of contact with the outside world, so they weren’t informed.
As they continued living on the island, a series of mysterious incidents began occurring.
One day, the captain of the ship was found lifeless in the water, while on another occasion, two other soldiers were found dead with gunshot wounds
The mysterious deaths caused a rise in tension among the island’s inhabitants, and people began becoming suspicious of each other.
It was later found that the wife, Kazuko Higa, was the only woman on the island, which caused conflict amongst the men on the island. Actually, all 31 soldiers fell in love with the woman
The Japanese “couple” weren’t actually together, and when the soldiers found out, they began fighting over her. The husband of wife was searching for his sister on some other island(due to world war) thinking his boss will take care of his wife behind. His boss faked marriage with her so that mo soldier would even think about her.
The woman thought of dating the men(out of fear) thinking her husband is dead.The men’s jealousy and rivalry became worse over time that they decided to kill her so that the peace could be maintained on the entire island, causing the “wife” to secretly board a ship and leave the island in 1950.
After she left, there were reportedly no more incidents of violence and the island was peaceful. In 1951, the soldiers were rescued by American forces and were taken back home. The soldiers lived happily and with peace till 1951.

Hi. I’m posting here mainly because I cannot differentiate between what is salvageable and what is not. I’ve, 27 y/o f been with my husband 31 y/o m for 10 years.
We met on tumblr. I felt like it was a romantic love story about how he messaged me and it took off from there. I was 16 and leaving a highly traumatic household where I was the caretaker, oldest child and forced to be strong. I’m used to being strong and often don’t know my limits. This could be because of how young and traumatized I was/am, my too trusting nature, or my neurodivergencies. I really struggle to recognize when I am being abused. I didn’t realize that us meeting on tumblr was a regular occurrence for him. I was led to believe that it was our love story.
6 months in: His sexting starts. He creates fake profiles of other men online to sext women. He shares nudes, tells them how they make him feel good and all of things I would love to hear. — I don’t know yet.
We move in together and around the 3rd year, I find the messages from 6 months all the way up until the 3rd year. He bounced around on apps like tinder and grinder. He never made sense of it for me, wouldn’t let me talk about it and was generally very dismissive. But, we stayed together.
Year 5: I catch him again. He’s doing it, but this time he is on all apps. Local and on Kik messaging other men and women. He has accounts of fake men and women. Sexting. Sharing pictures. Talking to each other. Covid happens though, and so we stayed together but that’s when he started with the Venmo payments. A few at 25, 50, 60 dollars. But then, a charge that is $120 at 1am that he can’t seem to explain. He says it’s for a few photos and videos, but isn’t that too much? He was laid off during this time, and spending money that we needed for a move. It was incredibly hurtful.
He always took his phone away so fast that I could never actually screenshot or get closure on his messages. He never came to me and told me that this was a struggle, but now he says that he can’t stop scratching his leg or pacing until he gets it.
At the same time though, I was begging for intimacy. He was having sex with me about once a month- no foreplay as he did not believe in it. He said it had to be quick and a few times he literally did say easy. Our sex with uninspiring, quick, and lacking. He always said he would do more though, and that if I didn’t ask for so much, then he wouldn’t be so driven to apps. He never liked any new positions, me asking for sex and even prepared himself by talking to other women while on vacation to fuel him for sex with me.
2 months later, he cuts off from all apps and proposes to me a day later. But, then he starts back on apps after a few days. He said that he felt like he did a good thing. It made it seem like it was an exchange but he clarified that that was not the case.
He continues with apps, expanding into Grindr, Google Voice, Hinge, every dating app out there just to sext and exchange photos to get that high. He is online too- sexting as someone else and sometimes having phone calls as himself. I didn’t know until 2 weeks ago. Now, he is banned from nearly every dating app in existence using his phone number because of his behavior online. He even took it offline to email etc to avoid getting removed from some apps.
Flash forward to 2022- we get married. I still don’t know everything. But he has upped things and violated a boundary that I drew in the sand. He gets an Only Fans and follows a woman in our area from Hinge. He starts paying her through some Girlfriend Experience which I really don’t understand. He said it was minor chats but there are charges of $68, $48, $28 randomly. Some are one right after the other. He continues this, adding new women. He does this one day before our wedding and again three days after. I am in shock about this part. I cannot believe or fathom it. He said he needed it because he was so insecure. But why didn’t he turn to me? I could have shown him the way that I saw him. Instead he turned to online again.
He says that the profile wasn’t in his name on OF. Or for most of these platforms, but he’s using his card, a few of his photos (it looks like but I can’t tell based on his email) and his phone number. I’m worried I know someone he has talked to. Maybe the reality is that that’s already happened.
Anyways, we go on a trip. I have a panic attack because his phone goes off. He reassures me that it’s email. Then, he goes to the bathroom for 50 minutes. I continue my panic attack, but calm myself into trusting him. He comes out and says he doesn’t have the energy. I’m in lingerie - then I started crying. He reassures me, as I’m crying saying that he knows our worth and would not risk it. He made me feel good. Ok. Safe.
My health declines. I start throwing up every day 4-5 times. I couldn’t help it. I left the country early 2023, thinking that I could trust him. He continued with OF AND apps. I didn’t check his location. I didn’t check our home cameras. He could have done anything while I was gone. I have no idea.
He blocks and deletes numbers. Has over hundreds of blocked numbers. Local too. I called one of them and he said “come downstairs, come downstairs, come down”. He has no explanation for this.
Then, I come back and we watch Larsa on RHoM who is an Only Fans influencer. I said that that would be a dealbreaker for me, he stopped shortly after I came home from that trip. All in all, he spent another $500 while I was unemployed, sick and trying to find myself. We agreed that $150 was the limit that we notified each other at. But no. Not for him.
I caught him again with apps a few weeks ago. There were some funny text messages. He stopped introducing me to his coworkers and I was no longer invited to meet with his friends, but he also stopped meeting with them as much.
I saw everything this time. All of the messages from way back until now and it seems like he never stopped. It feels like he didn’t protect me. I could have been there for him, to support. I was so open and kind and caring. I was gentle with him because I wanted to show him what he deserved. It seems like it just made me easier to take advantage of. He never came to me with honesty or shared when I asked about how he was doing with keeping away from apps etc. he kept it deep, bottled and hidden. These are messages that he would send while we were on the couch together, he would go to the bathroom, be working in the same room, everything. I was there and he did it anyways. I don’t understand how I will be able to tell a difference between when he is doing it and not.
In addition to this- he blame shifts a lot and has plenty of covert narcissistic tendencies. He gives and takes so quickly. He doesn’t let me walk away from arguments often, and will keep us there without food. I would often, after 1 hr in and no break start yelling because he would blame shift and explain my feelings to me like they had to be logical. If my feelings were logical, then he would create bigger feelings within himself. So I would pivot to his feelings.
I’m really confused and wondering if this is something that I can work through or if I am truly delusional? I met him when I was so young, I feel groomed. I feel taken advantage of and used for him to get out of his prior household, have someone there to just be there, and still have his messaging on the side.
We dreamed up a life together that I held so tight onto but he made promises he did not intend to keep. It seems like this is a sexting addiction that he never came clean on.
I’m also worried about the impact that this will have on me mentally. I already have anxious tendencies and I’m really scared that this has shattered me for future relationships. I don’t know how I could ever trust again what someone is doing with their personal device. What if I become someone who stalks their partner? I don’t want to be that person. Do I get a choice? Has he doomed me?
My husband is Latino and grew up in a traumatic household, with abuse from his mother. He didn’t have a father figure and only ever saw men treating women poorly in his life. I’ve given a lot of grace for this reason, and thought that I could somehow show him how to love me. Like we could create our own love story different from our traumatic past.
I grew up with a narcissist father (who was physically and mentally abusive) and a mother who cannot let her child feel her feelings. Both incredibly unavailable, and as I grew to become more upset with them both- they distracted me. My husband knew that. He weaponized that and bought me gifts, experiences and a marriage it seems to continue his charade.
I really need to feel empowered at this point in my life and it feels like he just pushes me down.
Note: please don’t use the word “need” or “must” in your replies. This triggers my cPTSD. I’m open to being pressed on this, I don’t fully understand why I have this reaction.

P.S please seek out help to me, or call your loved ones if you notice these early signs.
Marriage with you was my happiness but prison was already the big red flag that I ignored the moment I knew you 8 months ago. I had it wrapped around my finger, mistakes were bound to happen on our journey but going out to go do cheating was never & ever will be on my list. An 18 year old girl and a 22 year old man. I pushed you to do the best but even the ‘your happiness is my happiness’ did not want to align in your mind. For nearly 8 months your inner hidden subconscious led you to believe I was jealous of you. Jealous of your trading currencies, jealous of your looks, jealous of your job, jealous of your successes & passes, jealous of your money. I made mistakes most of these people were my old friends who i left without a word for you but I am not a try to impress girl, i never was & i never will be. All i wanted & asked for were flowers not a daily bags of expenses from you. I only wanted you to be kind and have a nice tone. When you love, you do love hard but your hatred and want to hurt me surpasses your love for me Murad, you never ever wanted to forgive me Murad but I have and I still do. Since i met you i’ve been on fight or flight mode, I fear you but im not scared of you anymore, but this is still your nature from a little baby to a grown man entering his prime years. You will not change or learn Murad. Changing does not mean praying 5 times and reading Quran. You still managed to fit another woman from another country in our marriage, forget the relationship it was haraam. I never done that Murad. I didnt keep a man on my iMessage or WhatsApp in our marriage. You love money, sex & drugs. It’s what you worshipped since young. That is your qismat. The difference is I had my reason not excuses for my mistakes but you had no reason or excuse Mo because that is in your blood it is how you were born and grew up. You became the waste end product of this emerging environment. I was never the way I was last year Murad, when I was 8, I was taking my shoes & clothes off on roads in my country to give to the poor children, I stole biscuits from my grandmother’s corner shop and was smacked just so I could to give to the orphans whereas at 9 you were smoking weed, having intercourse with women & carrying zombie knives in your pants, leaving a gun in higham hills park or St james park. And if i met men before you and wanted to conceal it you rip my throat off and attempt to take my life? Your story does not deserve to be told in schools Murad, your story is not a life lesson but a facade because you have not learned your lesson, you just become more & more proud about your old ways. You know why? Because I know you don’t regret it Murad, a person who regrets their deed does not boast or feels proud, the man who is regretful of his past actions asks for forgiveness, conceals the sin and moves on. The real reason why you boast about your case is because you were controlling the city’s drug supply. You love control & you love power. Do you know what happens to the elite above when they have so much money, do you know what is above money and below Dajjal? Power. You love power & being in control of your family, friends & wife. That’s how you’ve created your trust issues as well as your own fake army. People can’t be honest around you because you’ve pre built a foundation of fear Murad through your tone, words & agression. Control yourself before you control those around you. That’s the dynamics of it. Stop instilling fear in people to get your stomach full. I have the right to diagnose you with this, you have borderline personality with narcissistic personality and a lack of empathy; a result of your traumatic past experiences so Murad prove my point you don’t trust anyone else to handle my mistakes and forgive me or try to understand me unless you handle my mistake the way your revengeful gut wants to hurt and deal with me. I’ve made mistakes but my love was stronger than me hurting you, we always found each other when we needed each other the most. But that fell off when we got married, you chose friends over your wife waiting for you for 5 hours at home, and coming home to find out you have a secret girlfriend from a week in our nikkah. I forgive you Murad. How do I go to my class with other 18 year old girls knowing I married the lover of my life who nearly ended my life nights previously? How do I deal with this ? Im very mature and I don’t feel my age but somewhere in me is still 18.
You moulded me into a liar because of fear & you moulded me into a broken girl because of your past experience and mistakes i did and you did. Murad I didn’t care that you had no money. My vision is slowly settling into my system and I think the women, family and friends around you is okay with you making & spending haraam money but not me Murad. Just like how you did not like some of my ways and I changed even if i stumbled and made silly mistakes half way or when we ended but i did not like some of your ways and you didn’t change. I didn’t meet anyone. In fact Murad you are my worst nightmare. i ignored all your mistakes every one but little i knew, one day shut me down as if i was your biggest mistake. I put you in your place and you have never had that and neither have I been forced in that position, but yet i still cared if i had money just like when you were at work all day I begged my mother to send me money so my husband can have food in his belly from my bed. I went miles for you but then so did you. You crossed the line on 08/06/2024. You suffocated me with a pillow, grabbed my throat so hard I could not breathe, held a knife at my throat and bruised me, smacked me right on my entire left face and nose, attempted to throw me across the balcony in a tightening grip. I tried to hide the bruises from you, but my arm were in so much pain that when you threw me around I had to let the pain escape my mouth. Murad you ruined an 18 year old girl’s life, Murad I didn’t deserve it at all Murad you tainted and left a big stain by destroying me. Murad you are my biggest mistake but was not your biggest mistake & if thats what you believe then one day you will face the consequence of how big of a mistake I was to you like you said because i never physically, intentionally hurt you behind or in front of you. Its okay, I won’t let your mother or your family know what you done to me because God is the one who delivers justice, not me Murad. I bit you and slapped you so hard because you deserved it at that time, but did I deserve what you physically, mentally and intellectually put me through? Murad i was reading my Shahadah that night in your arms. I was really scared, I’ve never felt that scared. I was shaking. My body was shaken. My mind was shaken. My heart was shaken. Murad you gave me PTSD & trauma, you left me neglected and abused many times but I accepted you for you. I now have to go therapy and take medication Murad just because I hid talking to men in my past and you punished me in a way Allah’s mercy wouldn’t do. I did not cheat on you & I payed my truth in blood when I slit my wrist to prove to you that I did not cheat & or sleep with any men, I was a virgin Murad, but you accused me of the worst Murad in front of everybody Murad. You should have shot me in my heart there because thats where I hurt the most, it’s not fair. Murad If you’re reading this and think you are still a good kind man after what you done to me then prove me wrong, find that goodness seed inside of your heart and hold on to it and believe me for once Murad you know that man was lying to destroy us & it worked.
The night that traumatic night occured, my father previously mentioned to my mother ‘ this girl will die in his hands’ my dad predicted this action.
But that was not enough, your end goal was to murder me & you have. I died that night Murad, you broke me into pieces before and tried to kill me but the night on the 08/06/2024 you murdered me & I did not deserve a pinch of it. I constantly pleaded with you softly, I begged you to stop and stop hurting me that night. Murad do you know what hurts me ? Is if my father witnessed with his eyes how much you mashed my body so much with my face into the bed and wall with your hands & weight, you suffocated and tried to kill me with your hands Murad, I would die before i let my father witness you choking his daughter, history has repeated in your family and someone will do this to your daughter Murad and this time i promise you will see it happen in the moment and that is when your world will end. I didn’t meet anyone when we were together. Murad i promised you my time will come one day when i’ll make you face & understand the consequences of your abusive actions forget words. I won’t punish you, what is gone before is long gone & all you have now is the result of your actions. And that will be my last remembrance of you, you won’t see my face anywhere, you wont hear my name anywhere & you won’t find my anywhere. Murad you are not a man, you are not a stay.busy17 man either and you are definitely not a money motivated man. You sit down on your bed more than you get to work. I do not stand for revenge Murad so destiny and god will restore justice for my silence & sufferings that I faced all alone in your house. I had nobody. Nobody Murad. It was just me And God in your house. That night you nearly ended my life, i repeatedly said to myself ‘Papa please help me God please help me Papa please help me God please save me’ Murad when someone is in so much pain God takes away the pain not by ending their life but by taking their soul out of their body for a few seconds to relieve the pain. I did not meet anyone. My ‘revenge’ is not violence nor revenge itself, my revenge is God, only a taste of your medicine Murad, I will disappear out of your life so quietly without notice because you hurt me more than you love me. Life is not a game, but you are the one who chose this game to play so you’ll play it nicely now.
In the UK, 75% of ex-inmates reoffend within nine years of release, and 39.3% within the first twelve months, If you are reading this and wondered why I have written this there then you have guessed right,
because you a 22 year old man attempted homicide on an 18 year old girl through grievous bodily harm (GBH), strangulation in form of abuse, with evident body bruises on arm, face, inner thigh and chest/neck. Men like you Murad, they call you strangles. You are most likely to become killers in almost every situation & It is scientifically proven that if you strangle me and if i stay you WILL eventually kill me. My parents were right on their conscious prediction. My life never has and can not be trusted in your hands.
This is only 30% of everything. The rest I will keep to myself.

P.S please seek out help to me, or call your loved ones if you notice these early signs.
Marriage with you was my happiness but prison was already the big red flag that I ignored the moment I knew you 8 months ago. I had it wrapped around my finger, mistakes were bound to happen on our journey but going out to go do cheating was never & ever will be on my list. An 18 year old girl and a 22 year old man. I pushed you to do the best but even the ‘your happiness is my happiness’ did not want to align in your mind. For nearly 8 months your inner hidden subconscious led you to believe I was jealous of you. Jealous of your trading currencies, jealous of your looks, jealous of your job, jealous of your successes & passes, jealous of your money. I made mistakes most of these people were my old friends who i left without a word for you but I am not a try to impress girl, i never was & i never will be. All i wanted & asked for were flowers not a daily bags of expenses from you. I only wanted you to be kind and have a nice tone. When you love, you do love hard but your hatred and want to hurt me surpasses your love for me Murad, you never ever wanted to forgive me Murad but I have and I still do. Since i met you i’ve been on fight or flight mode, I fear you but im not scared of you anymore, but this is still your nature from a little baby to a grown man entering his prime years. You will not change or learn Murad. Changing does not mean praying 5 times and reading Quran. You still managed to fit another woman from another country in our marriage, forget the relationship it was haraam. I never done that Murad. I didnt keep a man on my iMessage or WhatsApp in our marriage. You love money, sex & drugs. It’s what you worshipped since young. That is your qismat. The difference is I had my reason not excuses for my mistakes but you had no reason or excuse Mo because that is in your blood it is how you were born and grew up. You became the waste end product of this emerging environment. I was never the way I was last year Murad, when I was 8, I was taking my shoes & clothes off on roads in my country to give to the poor children, I stole biscuits from my grandmother’s corner shop and was smacked just so I could to give to the orphans whereas at 9 you were smoking weed, having intercourse with women & carrying zombie knives in your pants, leaving a gun in higham hills park or St james park. And if i met men before you and wanted to conceal it you rip my throat off and attempt to take my life? Your story does not deserve to be told in schools Murad, your story is not a life lesson but a facade because you have not learned your lesson, you just become more & more proud about your old ways. You know why? Because I know you don’t regret it Murad, a person who regrets their deed does not boast or feels proud, the man who is regretful of his past actions asks for forgiveness, conceals the sin and moves on. The real reason why you boast about your case is because you were controlling the city’s drug supply. You love control & you love power. Do you know what happens to the elite above when they have so much money, do you know what is above money and below Dajjal? Power. You love power & being in control of your family, friends & wife. That’s how you’ve created your trust issues as well as your own fake army. People can’t be honest around you because you’ve pre built a foundation of fear Murad through your tone, words & agression. Control yourself before you control those around you. That’s the dynamics of it. Stop instilling fear in people to get your stomach full. I have the right to diagnose you with this, you have borderline personality with narcissistic personality and a lack of empathy; a result of your traumatic past experiences so Murad prove my point you don’t trust anyone else to handle my mistakes and forgive me or try to understand me unless you handle my mistake the way your revengeful gut wants to hurt and deal with me. I’ve made mistakes but my love was stronger than me hurting you, we always found each other when we needed each other the most. But that fell off when we got married, you chose friends over your wife waiting for you for 5 hours at home, and coming home to find out you have a secret girlfriend from a week in our nikkah. I forgive you Murad. How do I go to my class with other 18 year old girls knowing I married the lover of my life who nearly ended my life nights previously? How do I deal with this ? Im very mature and I don’t feel my age but somewhere in me is still 18.
You moulded me into a liar because of fear & you moulded me into a broken girl because of your past experience and mistakes i did and you did. Murad I didn’t care that you had no money. My vision is slowly settling into my system and I think the women, family and friends around you is okay with you making & spending haraam money but not me Murad. Just like how you did not like some of my ways and I changed even if i stumbled and made silly mistakes half way or when we ended but i did not like some of your ways and you didn’t change. I didn’t meet anyone. In fact Murad you are my worst nightmare. i ignored all your mistakes every one but little i knew, one day shut me down as if i was your biggest mistake. I put you in your place and you have never had that and neither have I been forced in that position, but yet i still cared if i had money just like when you were at work all day I begged my mother to send me money so my husband can have food in his belly from my bed. I went miles for you but then so did you. You crossed the line on 08/06/2024. You suffocated me with a pillow, grabbed my throat so hard I could not breathe, held a knife at my throat and bruised me, smacked me right on my entire left face and nose, attempted to throw me across the balcony in a tightening grip. I tried to hide the bruises from you, but my arm were in so much pain that when you threw me around I had to let the pain escape my mouth. Murad you ruined an 18 year old girl’s life, Murad I didn’t deserve it at all Murad you tainted and left a big stain by destroying me. Murad you are my biggest mistake but was not your biggest mistake & if thats what you believe then one day you will face the consequence of how big of a mistake I was to you like you said because i never physically, intentionally hurt you behind or in front of you. Its okay, I won’t let your mother or your family know what you done to me because God is the one who delivers justice, not me Murad. I bit you and slapped you so hard because you deserved it at that time, but did I deserve what you physically, mentally and intellectually put me through? Murad i was reading my Shahadah that night in your arms. I was really scared, I’ve never felt that scared. I was shaking. My body was shaken. My mind was shaken. My heart was shaken. Murad you gave me PTSD & trauma, you left me neglected and abused many times but I accepted you for you. I now have to go therapy and take medication Murad just because I hid talking to men in my past and you punished me in a way Allah’s mercy wouldn’t do. I did not cheat on you & I payed my truth in blood when I slit my wrist to prove to you that I did not cheat & or sleep with any men, I was a virgin Murad, but you accused me of the worst Murad in front of everybody Murad. You should have shot me in my heart there because thats where I hurt the most, it’s not fair. Murad If you’re reading this and think you are still a good kind man after what you done to me then prove me wrong, find that goodness seed inside of your heart and hold on to it and believe me for once Murad you know that man was lying to destroy us & it worked.
The night that traumatic night occured, my father previously mentioned to my mother ‘ this girl will die in his hands’ my dad predicted this action.
But that was not enough, your end goal was to murder me & you have. I died that night Murad, you broke me into pieces before and tried to kill me but the night on the 08/06/2024 you murdered me & I did not deserve a pinch of it. I constantly pleaded with you softly, I begged you to stop and stop hurting me that night. Murad do you know what hurts me ? Is if my father witnessed with his eyes how much you mashed my body so much with my face into the bed and wall with your hands & weight, you suffocated and tried to kill me with your hands Murad, I would die before i let my father witness you choking his daughter, history has repeated in your family and someone will do this to your daughter Murad and this time i promise you will see it happen in the moment and that is when your world will end. I didn’t meet anyone when we were together. Murad i promised you my time will come one day when i’ll make you face & understand the consequences of your abusive actions forget words. I won’t punish you, what is gone before is long gone & all you have now is the result of your actions. And that will be my last remembrance of you, you won’t see my face anywhere, you wont hear my name anywhere & you won’t find my anywhere. Murad you are not a man, you are not a stay.busy17 man either and you are definitely not a money motivated man. You sit down on your bed more than you get to work. I do not stand for revenge Murad so destiny and god will restore justice for my silence & sufferings that I faced all alone in your house. I had nobody. Nobody Murad. It was just me And God in your house. That night you nearly ended my life, i repeatedly said to myself ‘Papa please help me God please help me Papa please help me God please save me’ Murad when someone is in so much pain God takes away the pain not by ending their life but by taking their soul out of their body for a few seconds to relieve the pain. I did not meet anyone. My ‘revenge’ is not violence nor revenge itself, my revenge is God, only a taste of your medicine Murad, I will disappear out of your life so quietly without notice because you hurt me more than you love me. Life is not a game, but you are the one who chose this game to play so you’ll play it nicely now.
In the UK, 75% of ex-inmates reoffend within nine years of release, and 39.3% within the first twelve months, If you are reading this and wondered why I have written this there then you have guessed right,
because you a 22 year old man attempted homicide on an 18 year old girl through grievous bodily harm (GBH), strangulation in form of abuse, with evident body bruises on arm, face, inner thigh and chest/neck.

My cousin sister moved from States to Toronto back in 2020 with her husband. They got married 15 years back. They have two kids 7-10 years of age. When they moved her husband was the sole bread winner and she was completely reliant on her. Her husband have been both physically and mentally abusive to her from the beginning of the marriage to the extent she had to land up in ER sometimes in US. She stayed in the relationship with the hope that things will improve. In 2021 after they moved to Toronto things didnt improve and she had to call police after a physical abuse and they have been separated since then. She also provided a character certificate to him to drop charges back then as she hoped things will improve and they will work on it. He also promised her things will improve and pressurized her. That never happened and now she have decided to end things and take divorce for good. Sad thing is she never shared anything with her parents or anyone till last year. Meanwhile she has been trying to find jobs for her and keep things going for her and her kids. She had savings from US but the contract jobs she is getting arent great in this economy to support her and kids. They also rented out a home which is clearly too much for her to pay now that her husband is not supporting in any way. Her husband is also a VP in one of MNCs and is earning (>200K CAD) but doesnt pay anything to support her.
For divorce her husband has suggested they will split 50-50 of their savings and he will support child care with 1k per month per child(2k in total) and no alimony as an out of the court settlement. He told her that they should avoid any lawyer as that will be money down the drain and they can divorce amicably.
I feel he is ripping her off again and feel she have a strong case against her husband to get better alimony to support her and her kids due to income disparity and job difference and he is suggesting against lawyer so he can get out of this without much. But then I am not an expert in this. She feels she doesnt want to drag things and waste money on a lawyer on this and also is scared that he can take the custody of her kids in legal battle as he earns a lot more.
My questions are-

1. How strong of a case is it against him if he tries for children's custody given he was abusive and manipulative.
2. Are the terms which are offered by her husband makes sense or she can do better both in terms of child care and alimony if she hires a divorce lawyer.
3. Can anyone suggest a good divorce lawyer (pro bono maybe) with whom she can consult. One of her fears with the lawyers is that most of the lawyers try to rip off with money instead of taking the case with empathy. Also how much in general it can cost if the case drags over.

I will really appreciate pointers and suggestions here.

Kinda Anxious Feeling like What's The Purpose Of Living Sometimes.
Like Just Life People Is Not As Compassionate of someone with differences
As I feel Like Someone in my Position I Would Emphasize and try to understand
And not make Judgements because I'm not in their position
Just I'm Trying Not to Commit Suicide
I'm trying because the Thought is always in the back of my head through the Day
Like People Don't understand Which is understandable since they not on my Two feet
They are Not JaMarcus So They wouldn't Understand JaMarcus Perspective
Just Im Trying to Survive In A World Where I feel I should Die
I'm trying To Cope
Found Working out at home as a good coping mechanism
Mentally and physically
Only last a Hour post workout but really helps my anxiety temporarily
And helps me cope because everyday I wake up and wonder why
People Make me feel like I should Die
Constantly hear you are a burden
Or you are not good enough
I feel like I don't have any talents
And if I did have talents it's limited due to my Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety
and Panic Attacks Generalized Anxiety and Bipolar disorder I have
Feel like Capitalism kinda brutal
If you have a Disability which this issue is disabling
Makes me really sad
Just take the advice of my therapist and try not to dwell on it
Because if I do I probably wouldn't be alive right now . So I try to watch movies or listen to music
Or workout when I feel like that
Doesn't get rid of the feeling of not wanting to live
But it distracts me
Working out definitely does
It just my workout equipment really helps me
It's like having a support animal
Just feel like I'm not ready for a Service Animal or Support animal
I have difficulty leaving my house
And that wouldn't be fair to a animal if I couldn't take them outside to urinate or defecate
So I'm trying to wait until my condition improves so I can maintain another animal
Plus I live alone and don't have a wife or anything that would watch my Animal if I could not do it
Which Is not their responsibility it's mine since it's my animal
So working out at home really helps
I be scared of what my neighbors think
Because I literally tip-toe around my house which is not normal
Because I be scared I'm disturbing the neighbors
Even when I work out I have Silencer Pads that literally absorbed the vibration and sound of my weights
And I don't even drop my weights like a lot of people do
I don't Deadlift I only do bent over rows
And I gently put the weights on my silencer pads
When I lift dumbbells I don't drop my dumbbells on the floor
I gently put them down on my silencing pads
I squat lightly
I ride my cardio bike quietly
I bench press quietly
Just be scared my neighbors would complain
Even though I'm very gentle
And tip toe literally around my house
Because I be scared
I don't even play loud music
Like I have a neighbor that does play loud music
But he doesn't bother me
But I gently have on my noise cancelling headphones
But I'm scared because July 4th is coming up
And fireworks and Gunshots
I get nightmares and bad anxiety
Flashbacks of being shot at by my dad
Some of these fireworks now sounds almost like a gunshot but not quite
A gunshot you feel vibrations a gun has more velocity and force
And loud its scary
Especially them big guns I used to hear in Adamsville
Just I be feeling like I don't deserve to live
Because people make me feel guilty and I didn't ask to have bad anxiety
Got worse after getting shot at and other experiences that happened in my life.
Like People don't understand this just don't effects me Financially and employment wise
It also effects me interpersonally and romantically and recreationally even sexually
I can't even orgasm from sex regardless of how good the Woman feels.
And sometimes I have Erectile issues because of my anxiety
Like I'm limited to just dating apps and social media
Which I rarely be on because of my anxiety..
But people especially Extroverts don't really understand
Because they like people and stuff
Like Wendy Williams Famous Gossiper
Extroverts love crowds they love people
They love parties the more people the more energetic they get
Like when I tried to play Football 🏈 and Basketball 🏀
I quit though regardless of my talent
And basketball I couldn't get the play structure.
Because basketball plays keep going on until someone shoots the ball
Atleast at School level
And my anxiety and Stuff makes it hard to get the plays
And organized basketball is not freestyle like I played at home
Which I was good 1 on 1 or 1 on 2.
I'll quit the basketball or football 🏈 team before the season starts...
Because of the agoraphobia and my Generalized Anxiety
Like Royce White he difficulty riding airplanes which they do in the NBA automatically due to schedule
He couldn't continue A NBA career because of that
Just in practice
Like I relate To Kobe Bryant
I'm not All the way Personality Wise like Kobe Bryant
But Similarities
Like Teammates had a problem with me
Because I didn't go to social gatherings and get pizza and stuff
After practices and scrimmages
Like due to my anxiety I was feeling in practices
I had good practices performance wise if it didn't involve running plays
But they didn't understand
But Teammates always had a problem with me
Call me Stuck Up Arrogant and all kinds of stuff
During the school day
Because my teammates were extroverted like
They like to talk and hangout after practice
And talk in the locker room
And I would immediately go home after practice
Because of my anxiety I was feeling
People don't understand I was having headaches and etc
Because I couldn't go but people get mad
Because they don't understand why I stay in my house
Like People online They extroverts
I attract extroverts
I'm already I guess introverted
Due to My agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety and panic attacks I get
Just Shaquille O'Neal was More of A Extroverted Guy
I'm assuming Kobe Bryant was More introverted
Especially After The Incident in 2002-2003 probably became more introverted
But Shaq didn't understand
Because he is a extroverted he likes making people laugh being in public places and stuff
That's the part I relate to Kobe Bryant on
Just People don't understand people online get mad because I don't call or text them
Even extroverted family members
They take it so personal if I don't call
They don't understand what it's like to have Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety and Generalized Anxiety and etc
They don't understand they take it so personal
Like I personally don't like them or something
I have family members dead or alive..that's probably were or is mad at me
Because I didn't call them as much
It's not that I don't like them it's just hard to hold a conversation over the phone
But nobody understand since I'm a rare person
People call you lazy or all kinds of stuff
Because they just can't accept that this issue which Been
Effecting me my whole life
They don't understand because it's not them
They think it's not real or I'm faking It or exaggerating it
But this my life
This causes my depression genetically to get worse
I think being housebound and alone
Without social connections
Would make anyone depressed or even suicidal
Because 2020 I seen people feeling the way I feel in my day to day life
And some people still don't understand
Just I also don't like Georgia Whether Albany or Atlanta
I just don't like Georgia
I have so many bad memories and nightmares in Georgia
I'm never going back
I rather kill myself before I go back there.
Pain emotionally, Racism people Act like Atlanta Georgia doesn't have Racism
But This Is Where Dr King is from
Not as bad as Albany Georgia
But it's there not in the inner city
But all throughout the Suburbs and further
They are there
It's White people in Atlanta Metro as well
They keep acting like Atlanta is this black metropolis
Which is not I'm from Georgia
It's Not!!!
I had prejudiced teachers in the metro Atlanta area
They keep acting like Atlanta is this Extremely progressive place
If that's was the case Why Georgia Atleast In my lifetime there
Was red every election since 1992 because I wasn't born yet in 1992
Until I left in 2020
Even during the Obama years
I remember Georgia going red in 2008 before the night was over
They act like we don't have those people down there
Yeah 2020 it was a battleground
But the Obama years it went red quick
Even in 2016 red a little quicker than 2020
Just not true
Not saying Atlanta is Horrible
But it's very Overrated
It's no different than any other major city
People that are not from Georgia saying this
It makes me very mad kinda trigger me
Makes my blood boil
But it's their opinion doesn't mean it's true
Act like Atlanta doesn't have problems
Like HIV issues
It's a bunch of people that don't even know they are HIV positive in Atlanta . Some people scared to get tested which I understand
I wouldn't recommend prep to everyone unless you are a Sex Worker
Or kinda Impulsive like I am
Trying to make people happy and not make people feel weird
Because I wear condoms
Because some people get offended if I want to wear a condom
So HIV Medicine is kinda hard on the kidneys I take prep
Which is a HIV Medicine not 100% but helps but is hard on the kidneys
Since HIV Medicine is very powerful which it should . because it saved a lot of people lives
But as a person that doesn't have HIV it's hard on the kidneys
But Atlanta has problems It has Poverty I lived in impoverished areas on the West Side and Eastside
Throughout my life
Have family members living paycheck to paycheck
It's just like any other American city living paycheck to paycheck
Majority of the City is named after Mr Ted Turner
Mr Turner Had a baseball field named after him
Just Not saying Atlanta is bad but just overrated
It's no different than any other city
Actually when I moved to Atlanta I first seen Snow ❄️
Because Albany Southwest Georgia where I'm from
It doesn't snow it never snows
Maybe ice but doesn't snow
It rains a lot though in South Georgia
More Prone To Floods
Swampy Coastal Plain
Black Belt Cotton Belt they call it.
But Atlanta has homeless people as well
I remember when I first moved to Atlanta in 2006 I remember seeing
Black homeless people sleepy under bridges
And seeing them in centennial Park
And at the crowded underground Atlanta
And of course the train stations
Because it's warm in the train station
It has AC and Heat on the trains
So I don't blame the homeless
They trying to survive
But I remember seeing that all the time
On my end of Martin Luther King Drive
Remember seeing a church's a Kentucky fried chicken and a new Popeyes
On the same street
But no good quality grocery stores
Just family dollars and low quality grocery stores
That unfortunately doesn't have the resources
That's all I seen
I lived on the Westside of Southwest Atlanta for a long time
Remember being on Simpson road now Joseph E Boone
But remember seeing people smoking crack in broad daylight
Remember Seeing impoverished black people
My mom used to work on Simpson road as a property manager at a apartment complex
So I was over there Alot riding Marta with my mom
And I remember seeing the Georgia dome and centennial Park further down
And it looks so good
Vine city train station
Why where the Georgia dome it looks so good
But just further down Simpson road or Joseph E Boone
I see poverty like night and day
I lived there it's has poverty and homeless actually majority of the homeless is black
Cost of living since people is moving to Atlanta at high rates
Rent went up probably not California or New York level
Since those are bigger way larger cities
But Rent is not the same as it was in 2006
I remember you could get a 2 bedroom in a bad area for 700$ in 2006
On Simpson road you could get a 2 bedroom for 500$
But very run down and of course the bluff is across the street
But it's not like that
The music scene Is okay
Personally I don't like it
Atlanta been on top since 2001 when Jermaine dupri came out with Ludacris
And TIP came out with I'm Serious
But I never liked the music scene
I was stuck On Outkast and the 90s East and West
Mainly New York Rappers and Tupac and Kendrick and Ras Kass and stuff.
I know I don't remember I was young
But I grew up On East Coast Rap mainly and Tupac
Just when I was younger I was forced to listen to radio
And V103 used to play guys in Atlanta
And they would play their songs like 5 times in 1 hour
Got tired of it and they never played rappers from other regions
Seem like Atlanta labels payed V103 especially 2013
I had to stop listening
Because I really didn't like the sound
I'm kinda stuck on The Lyrical East Coast sound.
Or Tupac
So I listen mainly to Seattle Grunge and Jazz and Soft Rock
Alternative rock
No Country because not all country music is bad
But gives me prejudice vibes
Because I remember Kid Rock Did A Song with a Country Music Legend
And I remember hearing him and He Said All Kinds Of N-Words and etc
Just life Atlanta is overrated
Just in my experience I got shot at by my dad
Racism which is everywhere
But listening to these people you'll think Atlanta has no racism
Kinda anxious
Just be venting
Because life is hard to live in trying to
Just people don't understand why I have a hard time functioning
Done with the new paragraph
Just going to repost the older paragraph because I'm basically going to type the same thing again like I always do
Just a regular dude venting my life
I talk like this on camera which is exhausting
And off camera to my mom and to myself in my room
Thinking because I do talk to myself since I don't have friends
I don't answer my self
But speak aloud my thoughts and feelings to release tension and stress
So this just me venting on my life.
This something I been feeling Since I was like 5 years old
I kinda knew when I was 17 it was going to be even rough adulthood than childhood
Which I tried to kill myself in 2010 when I was on Gresham road
Which that Was behind the scenes at home
Only my brother and mother seen it
Just I kinda tried numerous jobs
From McDonald's to Goodwill to factories working upwards to 16 hours some days
Trying to push through but my body couldn't handle that
Like I was feeling "Flight or Fight" responses like I was Running From Being Shot at night
By My Dad in 2011
Still have nightmares about that it just doesn't go away
And more scenarios in my childhood as well I'm not going to disclose.
People don't understand I jump when I hear gunshots
I try to not look crazy around people
So I try to look normal
But every time I hear a gunshot or something my heart starts pumping
And I start feeling exhausted and sad
Like I can't control if someone shoots a gun or pops a firecracker
But I try to put on my noise cancelling headphones
Even certain songs I have to mute if I hear a gunshot sound
If I can catch it
Even movies I'm not familiar with
I try to mute sounds if a gunshot scene comes
If I can catch it
This really a big issue
But people don't see that when I have to mute my TV
They also don't see
When I have bad days
They probably don't see if I have good days
I try to get laughs in
Because laughter is natural medicine
To distract from the negative thoughts I have everyday
They don't see due to my meds
That have me very sleepy which I take at night.. but carries on to the next morning
Sometimes I wake up at 12 pm sometimes late as 5 pm
Seroquel just does that
Even I tried waking up early I end up going back to sleep
I literally have to take a pre workout supplement
Which has caffeine which makes my anxiety worse
Just to fight it the medicine
Like I workout it's the best medicine
Better than any Prescription drug I don't do recreational drugs
But it naturally gets rid of my anxiety while working out at home
Didn't work In a commercial gym.
Which this gym equipment saved my life
It really helps me
If I lose that I probably will kill myself
And I was at risk of Type 2 diabetes
And my blood work was off due to I couldn't work out since I didn't leave my house
And of Course mentally I got really depressed since I didn't have no coping mechanism
I be depressed Alot but working out helps me cope with the thoughts I have
And temporarily gets rid of my anxiety
But only last 1 hour post workout
And anxiety comes back
Some people think I'm on steroids
Which I think I'm small
But I can't keep a stable job
Plus steroids cost money
If I can barely afford food and amino acids
Which comes from protein and food
How can I afford steroids?
I never took a steroid
I don't even take creatine anymore
Because my kidneys
And I have health issues which my natural testosterone is ok
So I have no reason to take steroids and I'm not competing in bodybuilding shows
I'm not a YouTuber or social media influencer making $1000s or even 100,000$
Making money on the Internet so I don't have a reason to
Plus due to the medicine I take it effects my Kidneys
Like I hope my kidneys are ok
Because I love to workout and it really helps me
I probably would kill myself if I can't workout and build muscle anymore
I don't use steroids
Just men's vitamins and fish oil and beta alanine and protein and amino acids from protein
I eat 200 grams daily since I'm 235 right now
Just hope my kidneys get back normal
Because I take a lot of medicine
Might have to stop one of my medications
Because I take Prep Which is A HIV medicine
Because I'm so paranoid of Contracting HIV
But I Don't even have sex like that since I don't leave my house
But I just take prep because I be scared I'm going to get HIV for a Hypothetical reason
Which I know HIV medicines I don't have HIV
I understand if I had it
But I don't Have HIV I take Prep Which is a HIV Medicine to prevent Catching it
Which HIV meds is hard on the kidneys
But Weird Thing is I don't even have sex
I haven't had sex with a woman since 2022
I haven't been in a relationship since 2019
Which was my only relationship with a woman
Just I Do Have a Desire for sex like every other human being
But Masturbating is such a lonely experience
And sometimes gets depressing

I've been obsessed with Teddy Swims lately and I was listening to Last Communion for like the 20th time before I looked at the lyrics and realized it's literally Eddie's song (about his wife) and it's really cathartic to listen to given how they ended S7. I just wanna talk about it extensively because my heart hurts for Eddie, so I'm gonna analyze this in Eddie's POV because I am unwell 😭
So this song is part of an album called "I've Tried Everything But Therapy" which is very appropriate as a general Eddie Mood™ ngl. Anyway it's a song that deals with loss of faith, the end of a relationship, and lack of closure that results from it. It literally hits pretty much everything Eddie is trying to work through with his relationship with Shannon right now.
The song opens with:

Used to believe Heaven was bulletproof Only God can turn a red light blue Been cuttin' me deep, dyin' to talk to you Only love can push the blade right through

Right away, it's establishing faith. Even though Eddie's not as religious as his family or Bobby, I think he still believes in the broad strokes of Christianity like a higher power and maybe a heaven and how religion serves to let people deal with the problems that they might need a little bit more spiritual help to overcome. "Only God can turn a red light blue" can be interpreted as the belief that only divine intervention can help change a negative situation (in this case, his wife's death) into a positive one. The stop/go imagery adds the nuance that the situation is something that's holding Eddie back and God/a higher power is the only one that will "permit" him to move on as if "moving on" is completely out of his hands. It also lines up with Eddie's tendency to "search for signs" to move forward, like Shannon's "pregnancy" to propose, or Carla telling him to ask Ana out, or Christopher pushing him to call Marisol. Eddie is hurting himself to talk to or find closure with Shannon. The act of "pushing a blade right through" can mean his love for Shannon put the blade in him in the first place/she's the reason why he's hurting, and only love (someone else's/Buck's) can push it through so the hole can finally heal even if it hurts to do so.

This love's an orphan callin' on deaf ears There's no afterlife, but if there is It's late in the night time, so it's the right time For sleep talkin', sleep talkin'

The orphan imagery in the chorus is definitely supposed to signify that Eddie feels left behind, his love for Shannon is falling on "deaf ears" because she abandoned him while she was alive (he waits for her but she never responds) and literally after she died (he can't talk to a dead person). "Night time, right time for sleep talking" can be interpreted as Eddie hiding his feelings, keeping them to himself in the dark/in private where he can break down his defenses when he's alone, and the only time he processes his feelings is through his "dreams" or his fantasies. This is the bridge so it gets repeated along with the chorus to emphasize abandonment and the hope that he can "talk" to his wife through his imagined fantasy/afterlife/Heaven where she's still "alive".

And now the heart's shot dead Buried under each and every word unsaid 24 hours since 'Goodbye, God Bless' 'Fore we let the ghost get away One last communion babe

This whole chorus is basically painting the abrupt (and emotionally devastating) end of Eddie's relationship with his wife and desire for closure. The second line is self explanatory, there were a lot of things unsaid when Eddie had to let his wife go in the ambulance, I really think he couldn't unload on a dying woman and ask her why she wanted to divorce, why she would think there was a possibility she would never come back to him and Chris, why wasn't Eddie enough for her to stay, etc. This all happened very quickly in the show, I think it was like within one episode of each other, Eddie was asking Shannon to marry him, her refusing, and Eddie choosing to console her as she dies despite how much he obviously still had things to say (as shown when he talked with Bobby).
Before they let the "ghost" of their relationship get away, he wants one last "communion" with her, which can mean "to commune"/share thoughts and feelings, to "break bread" with each other, remember each other's sacrifices, put aside their differences and either part on good terms or try to fix their relationship.
With Shannon's death, it paints Eddie's desire for them both to have one last chance to say the things that haven't been said for the sake of peace. This is the chorus so it keeps repeating and just highlights this desire to resolve their issues and have a proper goodbye. The bridge and the "One last communion" part of the chorus is kinda circular, in the bridge he feels abandoned but still has hope, but when he "thinks" about his relationship, all roads just lead him to the longing of wanting one last "communion" with her in order to fix or to let go. When the bridge-chorus repeats in the song, it just paints how much Eddie is stuck in this loop of hope, devastation and desire for closure.

So I let it go, nobody else around Couldn't watch forever fall face down So I turned my head the second it hit the ground And I felt it, but it made no sound

Again, I'm thinking about the ambulance with Eddie consoling Shannon while she talks about "leaving again" and how Eddie probably wanted to ask why she wanted to divorce him, why they couldn't stay together for Chris if she really loves him etc. He lets go of his problems with her in the moment for the sake of comforting her. I'm also thinking about how Eddie told Bobby that he "forgave her for everything and it wasn't enough", this was something he decided to do likely with no input or advice from anyone else. The second line, I think Eddie really thought he and Shannon would stay together forever despite how shitty their marriage was and how shitty they were to each other. He turned a blind eye to the destruction of their relationship, deep down he probably "felt it"--their relationship was dead--but he refused to hear it because he couldn't watch his "fantasy" of being married to her forever crumble even after her death.
Bridge and chorus play again, Eddie stuck in a loop of hope and devastation every time he ruminates about his relationship with Shannon and lands with wanting closure with "one last communion".

It was a grand old age Oh and yes I know that nothing gold can stay But I couldn't bring myself to turn that page Before I drop a kiss on the grave One last communion babe

God this song is fucking perfect. Eddie built up a fantasy of having a perfect relationship with his wife, and maybe "The Grand Old Age" might have been true during high school and when they were first married to each other. Everything was perfect and golden, in Eddie's words "I loved being married to her" and he might have been blissfully in love with her then and maybe he knew it was never going to last especially when he started running away. But now with her gone, he can't bring himself to "turn that page / before [he] drops a kiss on the grave", in other words, he can't let go of that golden age ideal, to turn to the next chapter of his life, to move on, not before he let's go of his wife--which he can't do because he has an all consuming desire for "one last communion" with her, to make peace and get answers.

It was a childish game Who can light a candle in the cryin' rain No one could know about the mess we've made I'm scrubbing, praying that the blood don't stain I only whisper your name For one last communion babe

This song is literally made for Eddie 😭 "It was a childish game, who can light a candle in the crying rain" in the context of their marriage means they were immature and naive trying to make it work, trying to keep their "passion" or "candle" alive while they were both hurting. It was like an exercise in futility to participate in this back and forth "game" of Shannon lighting the candle under the torrent of Eddie's tears/hurt, and then Eddie trying to light the candle in turn under Shannon's.
They tried to hide their problems from others, they made a "mess" of each other, and the devastation Eddie is left with (his "heart shot dead" from the earlier lyrics) has covered him in blood (grief/trauma/left him broken) and he hopes that the "blood doesn't stain", he hopes almost desperately (scrubbing/praying) the aftermath of his relationship with her doesn't permanently mark him or break him. Now Eddie can only "whisper her name" longingly, it might also be a sign of secrecy, his need to keep his feelings about his wife--which persist even if he might not want it to--hidden from others maybe a little bit because of shame, he wasn't able to fix it. And again, he wants to so badly but he'll never get his "one last communion".
Ugh 😩 It's so beautiful honestly. Like word for word, it sums up Eddie's turmoil so well. This is now Eddie's anthem in my head, I can't separate him from this song.
The next 2 (honestly 3) songs are also part of the album, they're right after one another towards the end. The whole album kinda tells a story of anger, toxic relationships, heartbreak and finally moving on, realizing you're deserving of love and then finally finding it if listened to in order, so obviously I wasn't not going to think of Buck after that Eddie-as-fuck song. I'm not gonna go as heavy on the analysis because they're pretty self explanatory.
First one is Suitcase, and surprise surprise, it's about ✨baggage✨ lmao. It's slow and kinda sad, kinda hopeful, trying to move on even with all the hurt and exhaustion you gotta carry from previous relationships, always afraid you're moving back instead of moving forward but still loving who you can't help loving despite the setbacks and just asking them for a little more time and space to heal. 😭😭😭 From the artist himself: "This is a song about my journey to learn that I am deserving of love and worthy of someone who will love me despite my baggage and insecurities!" So it can read as for Eddie or Buck or both.
This part is my fave:

Every time I stumble for you Two steps back and one step forward And now I'm fallin' down more than I'm fallin' for you But I adore you, I adore you

Next one is Flame!!!! The feel good song!!!!!! Finally moving on!!!!!!! Happy and upbeat, kinda silly:

We should put on our favorite records Pour a little whiskey too early in the day We could blame it all on the weather Swear the connection was better in LA

We could use our imaginations to make up a confrontation For the sake of something goin' on We should put on our favorite records If we're lucky, turn tonight into a love song
It's alright Gonna stay right here 'til it hits us Even if it takes all night Gonna find the flame we've been missing, baby
It's actually "a song about having a hard time writing a song" but true to the lyrics, it literally turns into a love song out of context lmao. It actually feels kinda friends to lovers tbh, two people fucking around in a hotel room trying to have fun with each other, using their "imaginations to make up a confrontation" stirring up fake drama just to get a little "friction" going (this feels very "wanna go for the title?" to me) until they find the "flame they've been missing".
And then Evergreen, an actual love song. After Flame, it just feels like they've "found the spark" and now Eddie at least is falling for Buck, who is obviously the "sun knocking at [Eddie's] door" and the fuel to Eddie's fire and the "evergreen" crashing through Eddie's walls 😭 Just Eddie vibes fully leaning into his new love, finally realizing that he could have a life with Buck:

Took a while to make this bed Tired of livin' in my head The ritual, things I ain't know Never felt like this before
Sorry that my heart's a mess But you keep me from spirallin' And I guess when it rains it pours 'Til the sun knocks at your door
Oh, I think that I could love you Through the darkness, through the cold
'Cause I'm feelin' somethin' when you're next to me You fuel my fire like some kerosene We're intertwined with nothin' in between Cross your heart, promise you'll never leave
I'm feelin' somethin' when you're next to me I have walls up that nobody sees But you crash through me like an evergreen Cross your heart, promise you'll never leave

Thanks for reading this wall of text 😭 Last Communion is a masterpiece honestly, it's been a while since I've heard such heavy lyrics, it was literally begging to be analyzed and it just happened to be perfectly in line with my obsession with Eddie's current arc and now I love the song even more. I really hope they get together in S8.

The TLDR is I just found out he’s been texting his coworker inappropriately for the past three months. So on days like Mother’s Day, our son‘s first birthday, when we went on dates or were intimate, he was talking to her. 864 texts in 3 months. Things like calling her stunning, asking for her IG and liking her thirst trap Instagram photos, buying her birthday gifts, buying her lunch, telling her to FaceTime him when I wasn’t home. We’re trying to work through it and our first appointment with a marriage counselor is Thursday (it’s Sunday). In the meantime, I’m struggling with my husband going to work and continuing to see her (although he’s very remorseful and swears he won’t talk to her. He’s doing a lot to fight for our marriage, including giving up weed, going to a therapist, and more). He starts a contracted position next week where they will no longer be working in the same location, but in 6 months it’s very possible that they’ll be back in the same location. They have two more shifts where they will be working together before the end of this week, and although I trust he won’t talk to her, It’s an extreme trigger for me as I’m dealing with the heartbreak of what has happened and trying to repair my marriage and trust that has been broken. Since I can’t get the advice from our couples therapist in time to deal with this week, I’m turning to Reddit to see what you guys would do, and how I should handle this. He has no sick time left and balancing not ruining his career and also trying to accommodate me. Should I be OK with him going to these next two shifts? How can we navigate that in a way I don’t drive myself absolutely crazy the whole time he’s on those shifts?

Starting out this post by saying I am only looking for the most kind, supportive, and gentle feedback. Only nice people please. Please no bashing of me or my partner in this post (even though he does deserve it lol). And no moral-based opinions either please.
So I have been going through a very difficult time in my marriage as it is. We just hit the 1 year mark and came back from our anniversary trip. I found out last week as soon as we returned that I am 5 weeks pregnant. We are planning to terminate the pregnancy this coming week.
I am very overwhelmed at the moment. I didn't really want to have children of my own, but that doesn't mean I am not struggling with this decision or fully at peace with it (still, please do not try to talk me out of it). It is a mixture of emotions: shock, sadness, fear, confusion, resentment, worry. This little bit of pregnancy has already been unpleasant, as I am struggling with lots of nausea/appetite issues, tiredness, tender swollen breasts, and just not feeling like myself emotionally. I already have health challenges, and pregnancy doesn't help matters.
One big battle we have faced in our marriage is his ex dumping the kids on us and not sticking to the schedule. This bitch can't just take care of her own children that she claims she loves fiercely, and the last thing I want right now is to be around kids and have to worry about their needs and hide the fact that I am going through something shitty. She will happily dump the kids on us when she has car problems she can't fix for over a month or decides to leave the state, but I am going through an abortion and asking her to keep the kids extra days wouldn't be an option because she just truly sucks as a mother. Useless in-laws too that take up so much of our time but never offer to help with the kids.
I finally told my husband the only contribution I am willing to do for his kids is cook dinner twice a week, so that my schedule and responsibilities surrounding them are consistent regardless of how many days we end up having the kids. I am concerned that since Father's Day is Sunday, his ex will try to bring the kids earlier (not for our sake, but for hers) which will be a few days after my abortion process is supposed to take place. I shouldn't have to think about his kids at all right now. And his ex should be helping us as this is an actual "emergency" and time when children shouldn't be involved/around. Her emergencies are never emergencies but just irresponsibility and chronic poor foresight/planning. I should not have to fake or cover up any of what I am feeling right now. I am angry at my husband for allowing this to happen. I won't go into the details, but this pregnancy is 100% his fault.
I am exhausted. I want to do couples counselling immediately. I am tired of dealing with this chaos and drama. I'm too good for this. I know that sounds stuck up, but I was not entangled in all this nonsense.

Nami (Illustration by u/Bene-dict)

Nami

Gender: Woman
Race: Triton
Class: Barbarian
Subclass: Storm Herald
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Height: 5’0”
Weight: 136 lbs
Birthday: May 8th
Age: 31
Favorite Food: Fish Head Stew
Favorite Color: Seafoam Green
Theme Songs: Mikky Ekko - Who Are You, Really?, Phantogram - Black Out Days

Backstory - Clearwater

The following spoiler warnings are for my campaigns group, except for Monet's player.
After leaving her old home in the ocean at 21, my character came to the surface and took on odd jobs like deep sea fishing and loading transport ships in Clearwater, a port city in my DM's homebrew world. During one of these jobs, a fisherman refused to pay her fairly, calling her "half fish." Being a barbarian and all, she wasn't going to take this lightly so in retaliation, she destroyed his ship and stole the anchor, which she now wields as her main weapon. This act caught the attention of the Iron Syndicate, who sought her out for her potential as a useful grunt.
Believing she was being recruited as an underground fighter, Nami signed a seven year contract with the Iron Syndicate, unaware they intended to use her as a discreet executioner to eliminate targets in their underground fighting ring to make deaths look accidental. Nami, as she was known outside the ring, adopted the fighting name "The Tsunami" and she became a niche underground fighter celebrity, popular with the dock workers at the wharf.
The Iron Syndicate provided her with an apartment by the wharf, where she spent her time learning how to fish and cook her catches. She starts by chopping off the fishes' heads, which she saves until she has enough to make her favorite dish, fish head stew. Next, she boils the fish to remove the skin, which she sets aside to later fry into crispy fish skin chips. She uses the fish meat to prepare a variety of dishes, including fish tacos, fish and chips, fisherman's breakfast, and sourdough bread bowl with seafood chowder. Nami spends much of her free time around the wharfs, forming strong friendships with the local fishermen. She also frequents a nearby tavern, where she often drinks and intervenes to stop fights that break out. Nami is fiercely upset by a scathing review of the tavern published in the newspaper, unaware that it was written by Monet, another member of their group.
As her reputation as a fighter grew, the Iron Syndicate decided it was time to use her for their true purpose, thinking that her established status would make any accidents look more believable. They tasked her with killing her next opponent in the ring, convincing her it was the lesser evil. In reality, the target was likely just a business rival. Trusting the organization, Nami went through with the kill but immediately regretted it afterward. Rumors started spreading about "The Tsunami's" strength and her lethal prowess in the ring, further adding to her reputation.
Some time after this event, Detective Monet, our Shadar-kai Divination Wizard from The Cursed Lands, began investigating the Iron Syndicate. However, her efforts were cut short when she was caught by the organization. Interrogated and providing little to no useful information, they deemed her expendable, as she was not officially affiliated with any faction but rather a freelancer. Consequently, the Iron Syndicate threw her into the ring as Nami’s next opponent, intending for her to meet her demise 'accidentally.'
However, burdened by guilt from the previous innocent death she caused, Nami sought out Monet before the match, grappling with her conscience. Sensing Nami's reluctance to commit murder, Monet devised a plan: Nami would stage a fatal blow to Monet, faking her death, allowing them to escape together afterward. Since then, Nami has been evading Iron Syndicate, knowing they would not take kindly to their celebrity fighter not completing her contract and helping an investigator escape with information on the Iron Syndicates criminal activities. By the start of the campaign, four months have passed since Nami fled from the Iron Syndicate, still owing five more years on her contract. During this time, she collaborated with Detective Monet on various cases.
The next spoiler warning is for my entire campaign group. I'M TALKING TO YOU MONET'S PLAYER. lol

Before Clearwater:

Nami, once known as Luculia Stormtide, grew up in a tight-knit triton community beneath the ocean's surface, locked in a conflict against malevolent elementals threatening to overrun the material plane. Her parents were humble kelp farmers, so Luculia had to work ecceptionally hard to become a paladin at the temple. After achieving her dream to be a paladin, she was on the cusp of a prestigious promotion, deeply committed to safeguarding her people. Alongside her dedication to duty, she nurtured a loving relationship with her longtime girlfriend, Nimue, a druid, and cherished the impending prospect of marriage with her.
However, tragedy struck when a deadly illness ravaged her community, leaving her no choice but to venture to the surface in search of aid. Despite saving her people by bringing a healer back, her actions breached a strict law prohibiting external contact, leading to her exile and the stripping of her identity and name, Luculia Stormtide. At the age of 21, she lost everything dear to her: her family, her beloved partner, her community, her status as a paladin, and even her ability to wield divine magic.
The betrayal she experienced has left Nami deeply scarred, fostering major trust issues. Reluctant to offer her help without assurances, she often insists on upfront payment before committing to any task, a measure to shield herself from further betrayal. She now expects everyone to cheat her, especially those who get close to her, such as Monet, since they can hurt her the most. Nami sometimes fantasizes about returning home to destroy various buildings, including the temple, but she refrains, as part of her still holds onto hope. Although Nami is now very cynical, she continues to live by the wharf near the ocean, hoping someone will return and welcome her back to her old home.
At the start of the campaign, it will mark a decade since Nami last laid eyes on her old home in the ocean, having embraced Clearwater as her new residence. Nimue, Nami's Fiancé, would hardly recognize the person Nami has become today. During the time she was known as Luculia, she epitomized femininity, kindness, loyalty, and quietude. However, exile and exploitation have left her jaded, indifferent to social decorum, distrusting, and prone to vulgarity.
About using my art: I am totally cool with you using this image for your own triton or fish person in your own private campaign! However, please do not claim the character design and art to be yours or use it for monetary gain. Thank you!

In rewatching from the beginning and this time around I'm feeling different about somethings. Now normally, I have a genuine distate for teresa.. but now... I feel like melissa was the problem for teresa and Joe. I think.. she set up the stripper plotline( she is a horrible actress..and it was all so fake on her end).. I think she set up the cheating scandal before her marriage book came out. And she is was setting up teresa and joe.. in the therapy session with Dr. V (?) Her body language to me, gives it away that she wants them to be devided. She wants them fighting. She doesn't want them close. I don't think jo knows.. she is playing both sides.. she set it up so much that she could get to the point to walk away and watch them emplode all on their own... which is why she is much different person in the later seasons vs the beginning seasons.. and it truly leaves a bad taste in my mouth to defend teresa...

I (28F) and my "Ride or Die" Tina (fake names, you because the rules and such) (28F) has(d) been engaged to her now fiance (now husband 30? M) Santiago for a year or two. Santiago and I have a history (we went on a handful of dates and also went to 3rd base once but because I wouldn't diggity and Tina would he chose Tina over me, and that's cool as this was 4 tears ago and I am in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams) and he DOES NOT LIKE ME. Tina and Santiago had been together for maybe 9 months and took a break, which drove Tina and I closer (we became friends because Santiago streamed video games during Rona and we were his moderators.)
I was disappointed when they got back together and we had a little tiff but we made up and it made us closer (though we don't talk everyday since she has a really stressful job and is a dog mom of 3 fur babies and we both just lead busy lifes.)
I know that I won't be in the wedding due to Santiago and my's history, but she said I can go to the wedding. I am totally fine with that!
They went to a well known place that is known for elopements a few weeks ago for a trip. They posted a few pics of their time and that was cool, nothing sus. I noticed on Snapchat a few weeks ago that Tina had posted a photo of something marriage related, which I was sus was a marriage license. For context, in my state, you have to be married within 30 days of the issued license or you have to repay the fee (it varies from state to state in the USA) I recently had become unemployed and had just started my job so I just didn't think too much of it.
Jump to June 9th and I got to thinking about it again and I decided to text Tina about it since my life is now less chaotic and I am back on my feet. Tina processed to tell me that they did get married when they went on vacation! While I am overall happy for her (since it's not my place to object as they have so many issues that they are still working through) she proceeded to tell me that they told their friends and family in person before making their post about it (on June 9th.)
I left her a a FaceTime message with words of encouragement, congratulations, and wondering how her dad took the news (as her and I are both Daddy's Girls when it comes to our dad's so I was very worried about her dad) and inquired about a reception. She said that it was going to be planned in October 2024 (when her wedding was supposed to be) and that as the time gets closer she will post more about it. I let her know again that I was happy for her and that my BF (30 David) would be honored and privileged to go.
Would I be the A-Hole if I decided to skip her reception due to this? I am not opposed to elopement at all. I almost eloped with my ex fiancé. I’m upset she waited almost a month to tell me.
If I do go, I will of course be on my best behavior. This is her big day and I am not going to be THAT A-hole that ruins it.
I am more than happy to accept any judgement, comments, and advice on this situation.
Stay Petty fellow Petty Potatoes!!

When we first meet him, show Daniel is embittered about a lot of things: he’s old, he’s alone, he’s sick and fragile. And now he has to talk to these to hot, eternally young vampires who sit there all Lovey dovey and claim to be the loves of each others lives. But does he have yet another reason to be bitter?
When we first met him I just assumed he was straight, cause, ya know, the veteran of two straight marriages. But throughout season one it becomes clear that a. He was (is) attracted to Louis and b. He was in that gay bar for more than just to score drugs. So, since he’s been married to two different women, and also shows attraction to men, in season one I just assumed he’s bi.
But his season things have gotten… interesting. A few issues: 1. Daniel’s marriages to women seem more and more like a cover; like something he did because of crushing social expectations rather than something he did because he was sincerely in love (or even in lust) with either of his wives.

1. Alice. Woooo, Alice! His lasting affection for her, shown during season one, was the primary reasons I assumed Daniel was bi, rather than exclusively gay (after all, it is solely men he is shown to be lusting after / implied to be attracted to on the show.)

But with season two, an even more intriguing issue has arisen: there seem to be two Alice’s.
The first Alice is the wife of convenience; the woman Daniel married to meet pressing social expectations and/ or for the pragmatic reason that he got her pregnant. This is the woman whom Daniel speaks of in a few scenes— with regret and guilt, but also apparently without any real love or feeling. The Alice to whom he replied “ya” to when she announced he was pregnant, for instance.
But then there is the other Alice. The one whom Daniel speaks of with such longing, affection and regret that the love in the room is palpable when he does so. This is the Alice whom he walked through Paris with, hand in hand (more on that in a moment); this is the Alice whom, far from saying “ya” to in indifference, Daniel was heartbroken when she refused him.
Increasingly, I have trouble believing theses are the same woman— or that the second Alice is actually a woman at all. Like, how much sense does the whole “when she told me she was pregnant with my child I said “ya”, then indifferently left to finish my book; but now I’m going to cry sincere tears because she wouldn’t marry me.” Again— seems like two different people— one whom he was merely kind of fond of/ tolerating; the other whom he lived wholeheartedly.
And then there’s the whole “you finally felt free to hold Alice’s hand in Paris.” Um… huh? He felt reluctant to hold his fiancés hand in public? Even in puritanical America, it seems unlikely that anyone would take issue with an engaged couple holding hands.
IMO, there really are two Alice’s. First is actual Alice, for whom Daniel feels sorry but never truly loved. Second is his memories of another (male) person grafted onto the memories of Alice. This is the one he felt such joy at holding hands in public; whose rejection broke his heart. And perhaps this is the one who’s rejection broke him, leading him into two fake marriages to maintain appearances, rather than pursuing his true desires, with men.
Here’s why this is important: it adds another layer to Daniel’s character, to his sorrow and bitterness. He is not just resentful of Louis because the latter lied to him, or because Daniel is old and sick, Louis healthy. But because as vampires, Louis and Armand got to be openly gay and live as they wanted to without fear of repercussions (being all powerful beings.)
unlike Daniel, who may well have wanted to date other dudes and express his affection for them in public, but could not,for fears of public beatings and other hate crimes against gay men in 1970s America. So he had to enter into two loveless, sham marriage, and, while enjoying a fruitful professional life, always had to “fake it” in his personal life. From Daniel’s POV,Louis and Armand are two punks who really don’t appreciate what they’ve been given, or how good they have it.
Thoughts?

TLDR: First and only long term girlfriend since 15 is promising to do better but I don't know if I should trust it. Her birthday is soon and I feel wrong for wanting to break up.
For context I just turned 20 and my girlfriend will be 20 soon. We met when we were both 14. We then started dating long distance a year after we met. She was super fun and sweet and caring. We had tons of fun staying up late and playing games together. The problems started to arise when i had to dedicate more time away from her. I was in high school and college at the same time. I also lived on a farm so most of my days were eaten up doing other things. That being said I still made plenty of time with her. We slept on call every night and at night we’d play games at the expense of my sleep. I’d also always have to have a good morning text waiting for her otherwise she’d get very angry with me and hold it over my head. Most nights I’d only sleep for about 4 hours. This was extremely draining to me. So some nights I’d try to go to sleep and we didn’t get to talk much. Though I’d still text her throughout the day or even be in a call with her while I was doing other things. She has horrible anger issues and insecurities. For example if we were to watching YouTube together and a girl she might thought was attractive came on screen she’d ask me if I thought she was hot. Obviously answering no. It wasn’t a couple times it was every time. For context I’m someone who doesn’t find attraction in a woman unless I’ve known her well enough to start dating and she knows that. So I couldn’t take it anymore and then I asked for a break. After 4 days she gave me an ultimatum that I need to choose to decide if I want to stay with her or leave. So I chose to leave as I felt disrespected for being put in that position so soon after not getting even an apology for her actions. I was always made to feel like I did something wrong. Even still she has really good moments and she was my first girlfriend and for some reason I just can’t seem to love someone like I’ve loved her. 2 years after we broke up we started talking again. She seemed to have fixed all of her problems and she said she never got over me and that I’m all she ever thought about and all she’s ever wanted. She was right for about 3 months and ever since then she’s done the same things. I know I’m leaving a lot out of the things she’s done so I’ll give some more examples. When I was 19 my parents divorced which was very hard on me as I am not financially able to live alone and had to choose. I am like best friends with both my parents but my dad is and has been my biggest inspiration and teacher but I’m my mothers only son and I know my sister would go with my father and I didn’t want my mom being alone. So I went with her. I was so deeply emotionally destroyed as I felt I was betraying my father and abandoning him and all he’s done for me. During this time I became emotionally unavailable for her and that was a problem as I couldn’t any longer help her with her emotions and insecurities as I was working on my own feelings and emotions. Even though I still tried to do what I could but I couldn’t sit up for hours with her talking her through emotions. She was feeling really insecure one night and it was around 2am. (I had work the next morning at 6:30) I told her that I didn’t have the battery for that. I wasn't rude or mean to her in any way, but she blew up on me saying I don't love her or care about her and I'm never there for her. I apologized and tried to explain myself and my current situation and that it's not that I dont love her but it's for the previously explained. That wasn't good enough and I was told that I needed to try more as she deserves it. She kept yelling at me until I calmed her down. (Now 4 am) As she was no longer yelling at me I then fell asleep. I woke up to a multi-paragraph apology from her. This isn't the only time this has happened. Also at this point I regularly fly out to her and fly her to me. I also pay for everything and we have an amazing sex life. It's literally perfect for her and I. I know this is wrong but it's honestly one of the main reasons I'm still with her. We both have a very high sex drive and she's my first and I'm her first. That connection means a lot to me. I've met her family and am extremely involved with them too. Her family loves me and wants me to marry her. We've talked a lot about moving in together and marriage, but I've always said this is for way later down the line. So now the main reason I'm about to break up with her. I've started to realize all the terrible things she's been doing to me that I've looked past as she promised she'd do better. The most recent one really pissed me off which is hard to do. I am currently visiting my father in another state and while I have been here with him I have been busy with my father spending time with him as it's soon to be my birthday. 19 at the time. I am still calling her and talking to her everday and sleeping on call with her. One day my dog tore a muscle in her leg and I was trying to tend to her as she was in a lot of pain and crying. My gf texted me as this was happening and I mentioned what was going on. My gf is dog sitting and they have horses and she sent me a photo of one and texted that the horse let her pet it. I responded to that and said, "Well definitely don't do that again unless you know it." I grew up on a farm and had horses since I was kid and anyone that did would know why you never just randomly pet someones horse without the owner there or even knowing. She then got extremely pissed at me saying I always treat her like she's stupid. She said she isn't stupid and wouldn't pet an aggressive animal. I always act like a I know shit and am treating her like she doesn't know shit. She kept getting pissed at me. I tried to diffuse the situation by saying I'm glad it didnt do anything and that it was sweet. She kept going off on me until I didn't want to listen anymore as I was already stressed as my dog was still crying. So I let her know I didn't feel like continuing this conversation and turned off my phone. She spammed my phone and spam called me over 20 times until I picked up where she continued to call me an asshole and say I belittle her and make her feel stupid. I only said that to her because I was concerned for her safety I meant it purely out of love. I told her this as well and she said I was lying trying to emotionally manipulate her. She didn't stop so I ended the call to continue to care for my dog which she was aware of. I turned my phone off so I didn't get the notifications anymore. I gave my dog some pain meds which she then fell asleep. I called her when this happened which was about an hour or so later. I told her what she did was extremely wrong and that I don't know if I can continue this relationship if she keeps behaving this way. She then begged me to stay and that she'll do better and I want to believe her but I don't think I should. I don't know how I feel anymore. She has been doing better but it feels fake and forced and is also not the first time I've heard this. Usually good for a few weeks then back to normal. I have no experience dating as I've been with her only. I'm scared of being stuck and it never getting better. I love her so much and don't know how to feel. I also don't feel right breaking up with her now as her birthday is in a few weeks. What do I do? Any advice is appreciated.

Hello, shipping out the 25th and have copies of everything that used to enlist. Marriage Certificate social security card copies of wife and child and mine, of course. Copies of ged as well as bank routing numbers and contract. And the running shoes are plain black swift Nikes. Also, I have a phone charger and plan on just using the navy bag that was provided, so I will just have clothes on my back, a wallet with an ID and a credit and debit card. Do need anything else? Thanks

D Tier - THE HORRIBLE KINGS

17. Aegon IV the Unworthy:
Pros: N/A
Cons:

• Legitimized bastards, causing 5 different rebellions over the course of 120 years, indirectly killing 10s of thousands.
• Gave away dragon eggs
• Filled his small council, court, and the city watch with incompetent, corrupt opportunists
• Entire fleet was destroyed by storms whilst trying to invade Dorne
• Accidently burned down 1/4 of the King's wood and killed hundreds in a horrible plan to invade Dorne with fake dragons
• Attempted to accuse his wife and brother of adultery and spread rumors about his son being bastard of them, weakening his son's legitimacy and claim to the throne.

1. Aerys II the Mad King

Pros: N/A
Cons:

• Killing Brandon and Rickon Stark
• Demanding the lives of Ned and Robert
• Pissing/offending the Dornish
• Filled his small council and court with incompetent, corrupt opportunists
• His handling of Robert's Rebellion
• Pissing off Tywin Lannister with his remarks about Joanna and naming Jamie to the kingsguard.
• Deciding to meet in person with the Lord of Duskendale, causing his kidnapping and "The Defiance of Duskendale", which plunged him further into insanity
• Threatening/making an enemy of Rhaegar
• Abusing Rhaella
• Refusing betrothal of Rhaegar to Cersei
• Bringing Varys to court
• Plot to burn King's Landing with wildfire
• Opening his gates to Tywin during "The Sack of King's Landing"

1. Aenys I the Abomination

Pros: N/A
Cons:

• His indecision and weakness led to rebellions, refused/was unable to deal with these rebellions, forcing his bannerman to stop these rebellions, causing a loss of authority, respect, and power for Aenys.
• Expelled the Faith of the Seven from the Iron Islands, angering the High Septon
• Wed his children together, offending the Faith, causing the Faith Uprising
• Gifting Blackfyre to Maegor

1. Aerys I

Pros:

• Handled 2nd and 3rd Blackfyre Rebellions very well thanks to Bloodraven

Cons:

• Bandits and outlaws roamed the roads, i.e. less safe travel
• Named Bloodraven as hand, who was too focused on the Blackfyre threat to actually rule
• Let Bittersteel take the black, which led to his escape, which led to two more Blackfyre rebellions
• Did nothing to stop the Ironborn from raiding the Westerlands and North, causing the lords of these respective regions to take matters into their own hands
• Didn't care fodidn't rule
• Allowed Bloodraven to run a brutal surveillance-state of Westeros, where anyone remotely criticizing the government was brutally executed, causing mass unrest and dissatisfaction
• Poor handling of a year-long drought
• Burned down 1/4 of King's Landing with wildfire whilst attempting to burn bodies to stop the spread of a plague

1. Aegon II the Elder

Pros: N/A
Cons:

• Refused to issue pardons to rebel lords
• Lost the Dance of the Dragons

C Tier - THE BAD KINGS

12. Daeron I the Young Dragon
Pros:

• Good commandewarrior
• Named Viserys as his hand

Cons:

• Got 60,000 killed in a war that didn't accomplish anything

1. Maegor I the Cruel

Pros:

• Good commandewarrior
• Paved the way (with blood) for a peaceful Jaeherys reign

Cons:

• Too brutal in handling rebellions
• Alienated nobility
• Offended the Faith
• Committed horrible acts of tyranny that angered the nobility
• Killing Viserys
• Raising taxes and demanding gold tributes, angering the nobility

1. Viserys I the Peaceful (show version)

Pros:

• Reigned over 26 years of (relative) peace
• Loved by smallfolk and lords alike

Cons:

• Not securing Rhaenyra's succession by not wedding her to Aegon, not naming her regent/hand, not making her go on tours of Westeros (securing love of the nobility), etc.
• Blindness to people's faults/true nature (Otto Hightower, Daemon, Alicent Hightower, Rhaenyra's bastards, etc.)
• His failure to stop the Dance of the Dragons because of his need to be loved by all (he could've stopped the green and black factions from forming with some strong action)

1. Baelor I the Blessed

Pros:

• Died before he could invade the North or Iron Islands to spread his faith
• Peace with Dorne
• Love of the smallfolk
• Created the Great Sept, bringing the Faith to King's Landing
• 10 years of peace

Cons:

• Nobility despised him
• Outlawed prostitution, hurting the economy
• Maiden vault/treatment of sisters/women in general
• Fast to the point of fainting
• Chose a child and stonemason as High Septons
• Plagued with "visions from gods", causing him to do crazy stuff.
• Granted tax exemptions to lords who put chastity belts on their daughters and sisters
• Didn't wed/have children
• Constantly emptied the treasury to help the smallfolk, resulting in a poor economic situation for the crown.
• Burned books, resulting in lost history

B Tier - THE AVERAGE KINGS

8. Aegon V the Unlikely
Pros:

• Provided rights and privileges to the smallfolk
• Arrest of Bloodraven (causing people to trust the crown again)
• Aided the North during a harsh winter
• Ended the 4th Blackfyre Rebellion very quickly and efficiently
• Restored order to the Westerlands 3 times due to the inept leadership of Tytos Lannister
• Crushing the Rat, Hawk, and Pig Rebellion
• Ended the Baratheon Rebellion whilst repairing his friendship with Lyonel Baratheon and providing a betrothal
• Drew up plans to stop the 5th Blackfyre Rebellion (which Jaeherys II used)

Cons:

• Summerhall
• Alienation and caused hatred from the nobility through the rights given to the smallfolk
• Failure to control his kids, causing more hatred from the nobility and broken marriage alliances

1. Jaeherys II

Pros:

• Dealt with the 5th Blackfyre Rebellion well
• Reconciled with the nobility that his father, Aegon V alienated, whilst keeping all of the policies/rights that Aegon gave the smallfolk.

Cons:

• Forced Rhaella and Aerys to wed
• Broke his betrothal with House Tully for love

1. Aegon III the Dragonbane

Pros:

• Named Viserys as his hand
• Reigned over 26 years of peace
• Good to the smallfolk

Cons:

• Callous and gloomy nature caused him to shun and offend his lords

1. Maekar I the Anvil

Pros:

• Good commandewarrior
• 12 years of peace until the Peake Uprising
• Ended the Peake Uprising
• Important general in 1st and 3rd Blackfyre Rebellions

Cons:

• Callous nature caused him to shun and offend his lords

A Tier - The Good Kings

4. Viserys II
Pros:

• Issued reforms of the royal household and its functions
• Established a new royal mint, saving the Crown gold
• Made efforts to increase trade across the narrow sea
• Made positive revisions to the already progressive code of laws established by the Old King, Jaehaerys I

Cons:

• Forced Aegon IV and Naerys to wed
• Only ruled for a year

1. Daeron II the Good

Pros:

• Crowned himself with his father's crown to quell rumors
• Replaced small council with wise, capable men instead of the incompetent lickspittles his father had
• Replaced the corrupt city watch with capable men
• United Westeros by vassalizing Dorne
• Safe roads; rid the realm of bandits and outlaws
• Ended the First Blackfyre Rebellion
• Beloved by the smallfolk

Cons:

• Disputed heritage
• Alienated nobles by giving the Dornish too many rights, filling councils and court positions with Dornish people, angering those who had spent years attacking and defending from Dornish raids and wars
• Failed to capture Daemon Blackfyre when he learnt of his plans to declare himself king

S Tier - The Great Kings

2. Aegon I the Conqueror
Pros:

• Conquered the Seven Kingdoms
• Built King's Landing
• Ended the Sistermen Rebellion
• Established order to the Iron Islands during a 2-year civil war
• Dragon's Peace (Aegon's 24 years of peace after the end of the First Dornish War)
• Made royal progresses every year to establish love and respect from his nobles, as well as hear out any concerns or disputes
• Established a good relationship with the Faith by building a grand sept, being anointed by the High Septon, and refusing to make any traditional incestuous marriages
• Good commandewarrior
• Began construction on the Red Keep
• Encouraged marriage alliances between lords in his realm to keep the peace
• Took in wards from various lords to establish relations between different houses
• Established, "The King's Peace", a law which forbade conflict in the realm without the leave of the Iron Throne
• Sponsored singers and musicians that spread tales of the Targaryen's generosity

Cons:

• Failed to conquer Dorne

1. Jaeherys I the Conciliator

Pros:

• A lot.

Cons:

• Not a lot.

When we were kids, my best friend and I were wells of creativity. We didn’t even get it, we weren’t trying to be artists or “content creators” back then, we were just having fun.
Andy kept making up stories, I’d illustrate the characters and make comics out of some of them. Actually, I drew and painted a lot all my life, easily and without much thought. That was when it worked the best. It would always become harder when some expectation was put upon me, like “draw something for your aunt’s birthday.” Too deliberate. Thinking always blocked me.
The same went for Andy, his stories were the best when done spontaneously.
Back when we didn’t think about how we needed to be creative or productive, or that anything we did had any value or that we had a talent or needed to achieve anything with it. We just did it, and people around us would respond.
Then came university, then work, Andy got a wife and a kid. Slowly, and without any drama, we drifted apart.
I didn’t draw in a long time. It’s hard when you work 5 days a week, you’re tired in the evening and recovering during the weekend. Suddenly the idea of myself as an artist started to matter more and more, and with it it became less and less obtainable. It started to matter because I needed something to hold on to that would represent a side of me outside of this absurd routine I was now stuck in. And I didn’t have my own family, I was free after work, not that I managed to do much with it aside from finishing a lot of shows, games, movies and books and drinking a bit too much.
By then, it’s been years since I saw Andy, but at one point we ran into each other, promised we’d grab a beer, surprisingly lived up to the promise, and realized that, despite all this time, we were still friends.
We started hanging out more often, we didn’t even live that far. His wife just had their second kid, and the whole thing seemed overwhelming to me, but it seemed he was managing just fine. One time I asked him if he was still writing anything. In retrospect, I could recognize that he had a serious gift, endless ideas, unique style, even as a kid. Hell, he even studied literature, although he was in finance now. “Sometimes,” he said. “I don’t have that much time, and I often start on some stories only to realize they’re dumb and give up.”
He told me his dream is still to write a book, but finding the motivation to write is difficult as is, and finding the right moment and atmosphere even more so. But 10 years ago, he wrote a short story/novel, still in the draft stage. I managed to convince him to let me read it, and I was amazed. The story was short, but it was so good and imaginative. The ending felt a bit rushed, and some plot elements could be fine-tuned, but the writing itself was genius. I could feel the characters, the atmosphere around them, the original ideas and believable dialogues…I told him honestly, with a not-insignificant effort to repress my jealousy, that he needed to keep on writing.
He laughed and asked me what about my drawing. I showed him a few things I made throughout the years, and he appeared genuinely impressed. Except there was so little to show. He asked me about one of the more recent drawings, which turned out pretty cool. I told him I actually made it in about half an hour, in a pissed-off mood after losing my job. Most of it was like that. The flash of inspiration is something I can’t summon or plan. “I envy the people who can get anywhere through pure discipline,” I said. “For me, it’s all completely outside of my control.”
This resonated with Andy. “When I wrote my story, at the moment the most complete work in my life, my mother died. That was the worst year of my life. I didn’t care about anything, the only thing I could do was write.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “It seems to me that the best works I’ve made came from the moments where I had the least desire to live”
“I’ve been thinking about this for a long time,” he confessed.
“I’ve been trying so hard to get that drive back. I tried to write drunk, I tried to write sober, I tried to write when I’m on leave, I tried to write after my leave, I tried to write after work, I tried to write weekends, I tried to write during work because it’s more peaceful than at home…during big live events, or tried to wait for things to get more peaceful, break the routine, write desperately, write calmly, force it, not force it….in the end, nothing works. Except maybe a tragedy.” he laughed.
“Eh, at least you have an excuse. You have a wife, two kids, a demanding job… I’m just lazy.” I tried to cheer him up. I didn’t envy his lifestyle. But it was a good life, the life he wanted.
“I know this sounds awful, but to have children, a family, that’s nice and I love them but I can’t say it’s that fulfilling. Or that it’s the meaning of life for me. Ultimately, they’re here to have their own lives and I’m still me, and I wonder what I really accomplished - creating someone else to take a shot at making something interesting? No, kids aren’t what I want to leave as my mark on this world. And now I feel that this is it, there’s no more that infinitely long future filled with possibilities in front of us.”
We were both in some kind of depression, an identity crisis. In my 20s I was so lost and wanted some stability, and now I was choked by the regularness of life. Maybe it was the awareness that things could continue like this - every day the same, and then you die - that seemed terrifying at times. Especially at night, with the next day gaping in front of me like a black hole, waiting for me to fall in.
Some people have a strong feeling of purpose from which nothing can pull them away. I have some talent, but I find it so monumentally hard to give it any dedication.
After that day, this became our regular topic we always seemed to come back to. Is it better to try to force yourself to do something, or wait for the inspiration to hit you, but what when it’s simply not happening? We’d occasionally read some self-help advice, although we were always a bad audience for this kind of thing, constantly trying to identify what it was that was blocking us. We’d share our observations. Andy would come up with some cool ideas for stories, but it wouldn’t go anywhere. I’d try to sketch or do something “crazy” and it would just come off as forced and fake.
Slowly, Andy started working on a theory that, with time, became more and more concrete and ritualistic. He started from that simple, and not too original observation that he can only create when going through a loss. “The suffering artist” or something. He started to believe that there is some balance in life, that he was trying to maintain too many things, and that some kind of “hole” was needed that could be filled with creation.
We’d had some beers when he was going on about it again. “See, I always avoided big responsibilities, serious relationships, a family… I was always stingy about my time and how much I could give to others. And yet I have the same problem.”
He waved me off, drunker than I was. “We all have different capacities. Although I have more obligations, you are equally balanced by yours, as small as you think they seem in comparison. And even that's the wrong way of looking at it. I’m not talking about free time or energy, because I realized that’s not the issue, just an excuse. I’m talking on a much more… metasiphyc level.”
Metasiphyc. I remember that. I found it hilarious at the time.
But he kept on with his idea of equilibrium, balancing the things you want in life, with an increasingly elaborate approach to the topic. From a general idea that comes down to that all aspects of your life can’t be at their highest at the same time, to the idea that everyone has an average and when you want to rise above it in any way, you need to sacrifice something else.
“Well of course, everyone says you need to sacrifice to achieve greatness. Sacrifice means hard work, dedicating your time to it, shit like that. Except that this approach doesn’t really lead to success for either of us.” I challenged the theory.
He wasn’t discouraged. “No, because that’s not a sacrifice for you. In theory, you’re fine with spending 5 hours sitting down and working on something, you just don’t know what it is.” “No, sacrifice is… a sacrifice. It has to be something you care about. I’ve been studying the topic,” he’d start lecturing. “Humanity always had sacrificial rituals, and they make perfect sense.”
I’d usually laugh it off at this stage, but I think that, even then. I started to notice it was all becoming way too concrete and obsessive. We had more of those conversations, but the more of a thing it became for him, the less committal I was about agreeing with his philosophy. At one point I started seriously suspecting that he was losing it and becoming a fanatic.
One night he called me crying and telling me he took it too far, killed his cat so that he could write, and that he was a total idiot who deserved to die. I could tell he was drunk as fuck. After that incident, he suddenly stopped and calmed down. He was no longer talking about his book, sacrifices, equilibrums and metaphysics. Just normal shit, politics, exercise routine, work issues, family and all. Mostly about trying to drink less and work on his marriage. It seems he re-embraced normal life, avoided the topic of what happened that night, or turned it into a deeper discussion about alcoholism and getting his shit together. I didn’t push, maybe I was relieved if a bit bored by this change.
Then his youngest son died. Accidental suffocation with the blanket. Apparently it happens more often than you’d think.
Look, I’m not a writer, you can see where this is going. But as clear as it may seem here, put together in a linear recount of events, it certainly didn’t cross my mind that Andy had anything to do with it. It’s easy to look back now and connect all the elements, but to accept the possibility is much more bizarre. I just felt bad for him and had no idea what to say.
I was a weak friend at the time. I thought he needed some space and time with his family, and I needed a reason not to awkwardly interact with someone going through things I can’t possibly understand, so after a cliche message expressing my condolences, which took me a day and the help of ChatGPT to draft (I think the result was the eloquent “ Andy, I’m so sorry for your loss, no idea what to say. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”) I kind of stepped back.
A few months have passed. I’m not proud of it, but I rarely actively miss people. Then, he reached out to me and asked me to get together for some beers.
I started with another unconvincing expression of condolences, but luckily he accepted it without any protest and lucidly started talking about how he was doing, the terrible state his wife was in and how confused and lost his little girl was. He said his home was a terribly depressing place, and that writing was now his only escape.
It wasn’t exactly a cheerful declaration, but a few weeks after he sent me a book draft. It was excellent. I loved it. I instantly felt a pang of jealousy. A short while later he managed to publish it.
The book kept getting some traction, slowly but surely, and soon enough I was truly jealous and I started to avoid him again. He didn't share my problem anymore. He created something, it was good, and people started to recognize it. Even if it never gets huge, it will always remain as something he can feel proud of. That was better than anything I was doing. Then again, being jealous of the man who lost his child was brutal, but I was and I didn’t feel like seeing him.
One day he invited me for some drinks while his wife and daughter were away to see her parents. He insisted I come.
This time, he was beaming. It seemed that he was waiting for me to say something until he couldn’t wait anymore. “Can you see that it’s working now? “ he asked.
I gave a confused look.
“The sacrifice”
He told me, to my great discomfort, that he went for all or nothing. That the cat worked just enough to confirm his suspicions, but he knew he needed something big. He had to do something drastic or forever resign to mediocrity. And how his son’s death instantly removed that barrier inside of him and gave him focus. “Of course, it hurt” he toned it down. “Without the pain, the sacrifice wouldn’t be worth anything”
“But your son, was that not an accident?” Happy accident, I thought.”Or?”
“Or” he replied flatly.
He continued. “Look, I don’t care, I know you won't say anything to anyone, at least not seriously. And if you did, who’d believe you, you can’t prove anything and you’re way too lazy to get into any drama and risk looking stupid.”
He was right.
“And maybe you also know there’s truth in it. Maybe you get it. The reason why I am telling you all this is because you’re my friend, maybe the only true friend I have, and because I want to help you. But your problem is that you avoid having anything to lose. That’s why you’re in your equilibrium where you can’t create.”
“What, I should find a girl and make a kid so I had something to sacrifice for my artistic masterpiece?” I asked him in some combination of shock and numbness of disbelief.
He shrugged. “This method is more concrete than you think, and it works. My problem is that I need to keep at it, the success made me happy and again, I’m balanced. In fact, as much as it hurts to lose my son, and as disgusting as this is to say, I can live without him. It was much more painful to watch my wife and daughter despair, that was truly… painful, and horrible. The guilt made me create. And now, I’m finally leaving my mark on this world and my marriage is falling apart,” he took a big sip.
“You sacrificed,” I said.
As time passed, my friend got a divorce, lost his beloved sister and her family in a tragic gas leak accident, wrote another book and became semi-famous in an increasingly broader circle. I didn’t read the book.
We don’t see each other often. I judge him, but I feel like a hypocrite. The truth is, I am consumed with envy, while the advice he gave me is stuck in my head. Meanwhile, time keeps on passing and I still achieved nothing.
“You need to open up a hole in your equilibrium and then fill it in with what you want. It’s a swap. Humanity always understood the concept. A deal with the devil, a sacrifice, same principle.”
Maybe I should stop him before anyone else is sacrificed. I know how much he loves his daughter, I think about it sometimes. But it all sounds too insane. Like some dumb fiction. Besides, he was right, wasn’t he? His way worked and I’m jealous because I have nothing to sacrifice.
It would be better to work on my own life rather than try to ruin his. He’s right, I never built anything so I’d have nothing to lose. We all have our reasons and fears. Maybe I should face mine. Finally, allow myself some closeness, stop pushing aside every girl I start to like. Meet someone, invest in the relationship, put my time and effort towards building something.
And then, perhaps, I’ll be able to find my creative drive.

Just thought i'd share my experience with my first operatoemployer in trucking. So as a new Class 1 Driver, I found myself with a few job offers and accepted one of Westfield Transport, Truro. I was called about an hour after my interview and told that I had the job if I wanted it, subject to the usual three month probation. I was also told that I wouldn't be paid for my first day being the induction of paperwork, health and safety and an assessment drive, until after the three month probation - fair enough. It was explained and agreed on that I would be starting off on pallet deliveries, and that I would consider doing nights out once i'd found my feet.
I then spent the next five days - friday to thursday, driving and delivering with a few different drivers watching over me and helping me with routes, deliveries, etc but with solely me doing all of the driving, except the last few hours on the thursday. Throughout this week I was taught not to strap things down despite not having load bearing curtains, and even watched people working through their breaks, faking signatures etc.
Thursday had been the last day of me being paired up and was a particularly long day as a new driver (13 hours or so). I was then called on my way home at gone 7pm and told that I needed to come in to start my first solo run at 4am the next day. I expressed my dissatisfaction with that as it felt unnecessarily dangerous to make my first solo drive on barely a 9 hour turnaround and that I wasn't happy with it, to which I was told that I should rethink my choices as that is 'the nature of the industry'. He then begrudgingly told me I could start at 8. I understand that long hours and tiredness are a part of lorry driving, but I was not happy with what they were asking of me as a new driver.
I then contacted said manager the following morning and told him I did not want to work there anymore, two hours before my shift starting time. To which I was told that I would not be paid for my weeks work. The following morning I received pay for only one days work and was told again that I would not be getting paid for the rest of my hours, as I did not work any notice, when indeed I was not required to give any notice at all until four weeks employment, as per the contract they wrote for me themselves. They are now trying to say that I agreed to work for free, despite sending me a payslip and paying me for the friday and me never agreeing to that once.
I know I acted without courtesy by not providing notice, but they are obliged by law to pay me for the hours I worked, and are refusing solely because it didn't work out for them. I am currently looking at getting a solicitor involved and reporting them to the dvsa. Stay away from these guys at all costs.