Masturbate with my mom

I'm gonna be real: I hated this. There were interesting concepts, and had they been utilized differently and written by literally anyone else, it could've been an actual good book.
writing. The writing in The Deer and the Dragon is miles better than in The Night and its Moon. It's still not good, but it's better if that tells you anything. The first-person POV mixed with modern-day speak works so much better for Piper's capabilities. It was much easier to get through, but it was still a huge slog for me. Honestly, what are the editors at Bloom even doing? There were still way too many typos and sentences with missing words. Piper still misuses the word dredges after using it in THREE(+?) BOOKS. HOW DO YOU STILL NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DREDGES AND DREGS? Dregs are the sediment of a liquid, so what's at the bottom of your coffee cup. Dredge is when they scoop up mud from the bottom of a river. TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. The word broach is also misused in this book TWELVE times, and it's PART OF THE CENTRAL PLOT OF THE BOOK. You mean to use BROOCH, PIPER. They're pronounced the same, but they mean two different things. Again, what the hell are the editors at Bloom doing?
characters Really, the only character I can talk about is Marlow because this book is just about Marlow and how amazing, special, perfect, and genius Marlow is. I fucking hate Marlow. If I ever met Marlow in real life, I would beat her up. Marlow is the most unlikable person ever. The story opens up with her on a date with a guy she's not interested in and can't remember his name; when she gets it wrong, and he corrects her, she continues to call him the wrong name all the way to the end of the book. She mentally berates him for mixing wasabi and soy sauce and cannot let it go. She’s also an AWFUL friend. It seems like her friend's only real purpose is to support her and tell her how amazing she is. She never bothers to make plans with them or inform them about anything that’s happening in her life. When she goes missing for a good chunk of the book, and they're blowing up her phone worried about her, she doesn't even bother to call them to calm them down. She doesn't think about them at all. She's far more concerned with herself and finding her imaginary boyfriend, who she only just decided was real. Her editor tells her she's at risk of losing her job if Marlow doesn't deliver her work or update her on what's happening, and Marlow just...doesn't care. She's like, 'No excuse I can give will be enough, so I'm just not going to say anything at all because I'm afraid of confrontation'. Grow the fuck up?? Her friend Nia only became her friend because she obsessively messaged her on social media until Marlow 'gave in', and now they're family? Somehow? Yet Marlow doesn't think about Nia once or bothers to comfort her when Nia has to call Marlow's abusive mom to ensure Marlow isn't dead. Kirby has allegedly been Marlow's friend since childhood, but does Kirby know anything about Caliban at all? Does Nia? Does Marlow tell her friends anything? If they know about the abuse her mom put her through, do they know how that abuse started? When Fauna shows up and freaks out over liking Kirby’s name so much, Marlow takes it upon herself to tell Fauna the story of Kirby’s name, scornfully informing Fauna that Kirby isn’t their real name the second Fauna expresses interest in it. (Like what, are you jealous that Fauna likes Kirby’s name, you fucking insecure freak??) The story revolves solely around something traumatic that happened to Marlow and how she and Kirby sat and played Super Smash Bros. Kirby liked their character so much that they adopted the name. Which…okay, choosing the name because you liked a video game character, okay, fine. But the whole story preceding this was so unnecessary and just made Marlow come off as suuuuch a whiny baby. “Oh, you want to know about my friend’s name? Well, first, let me preface it with this long woe-is-me story all about ME before I tell you how they chose their name because basically everything revolves around me.”
The way Marlow talks about rejection is so juvenile. You're in your thirties girls, get over it. Life is full of rejections. Someone telling you they didn't to play with you when you were eight years old isn't something you should form your whole life around. Like Marlow doesn't want kids because she doesn't want them to face rejection. Oh my god, Marlow. I also can't empathize with her trauma with her mom at all because I feel like I didn't really see much of it. I'm sure some of the things she says might hit with other people, but I wanted an actual flashback of a super intense fight or conversation instead of an overview of what happened.
plot. It took a while to get to the actual plot. About 100 pages in before things start really happening. I would’ve liked a little more exposition on Marlow’s relationship with Caliban at the beginning of the book. I get that some of the reveals needed to come more towards the end, but I kind of wish that maybe the fox had spoken to Marlow, too, which would’ve helped with why she’s so sure she’s insane. Foxes don’t talk! In all honesty, I wish this story had been restructured entirely. I think it would've been substantially better if we'd started out in Marlow's childhood. We can see how her day to day life was before Caliban ever appeared, how things were with her mom, who can also see through the veil. Maybe she notices some strange things about her mom that she just brushes off, which she later sees in herself and understands why her mom responded that way. Then something actually traumatic happens instead of some little kids not letting Marlow play with them, instigating her starting to see Caliban. I also would've liked to see flashbacks to Marlow's previous lives. While she's busy trying to convince herself Caliban isn't real, those flashbacks would add to her thinking she's losing her grip on reality. Maybe she'll be doing something innocent, like washing the dishes, and then suddenly, she sees herself standing in the middle of a raging battle, wearing long, elaborate robes. Do you see what I'm saying? This could've been cool! Instead, I had to read about Marlow jerking off about herself for 600 pages.
At some point, Caliban shows up to Marlow looking like a human. She's a teenager at this point, but they eventually start sleeping together, and like...idk something about that feels icky to me. It feels like grooming. Because he's clearly thousands of years old, he probably stays the same age while she's a teenager. What age did he wait for her to turn before their relationship turned sexual? Also, she doesn't even think he's real, and he does nothing to convince her that he is. Yeah....just no thanks. I'm good. Marlow tells Caliban when she's 21, she doesn’t want to see him anymore, so she literally physically cannot see him, but she can hear and feel him, and he still shows up, and like they keep having sex. So she’s just having sex with her imaginary demon friend for like five years before she’s finally like, all right, this is weird; maybe we should stop. And then she immediately regrets that when he stops showing up and then the rest of the book finally happens.
We also get flashbacks to when Marlow first starts escorting, and tbh, I hated this depiction of sex work. I keep hoping since Piper claims to be an advocate for sex work and is a former SWer that, we might get some actual depth to this plot. Maybe learn how Marlow was able to mold herself into the person she needed to be for each client, how she’s able to play people, etc. But no. She meets some random girl in a foreign country where she’s teaching English to children, and the girl is like, OMG, you’re too pretty to BE A TEACHER. COME HANG OUT ON MY YACHT. Now, I’m going to be so real. I feel like any woman with a speck of intelligence in their brain would have red flags going off right about now. If a random woman I met in a foreign country invited me to her yacht five minutes after meeting me, I’d immediately assume this woman was about to try and murder me or kidnap me or traffick me or something. But not Marlow. She is like fuck it, why not. She flies on over to wherever this yacht is(literally, she has to get on a plane and fly there) and makes some new besties who introduce her to the wonderfully glamorous non-dangerous life of escorting, where they hand her clients and set up the appointments for her and blah blah blah(also, wanna point out that Marlow even tries to say that she built this sex work empire herself. bitch no you didn't. it was all handed to you). I don’t feel like I really need to go further about why this is a really poor, dangerous rose-colored glasses-type depiction of sex work. It’s just not the reality.
Flash forward five years later, and Marlow is now a top-selling author writing about South African folklore as a white woman, trying to date other men, still having sex with her imaginary friend, calling her nonbinary friend a horse girl, the usual. Her escort pals are nowhere to be seen, and we have no clue what happened to them. We never hear from them again; they just vanish once Marlow gets what she wants from them, just like Nia and Kirby vanish once Marlow finds Fauna and Azrames. One day, Marlow’s at a book signing and sees the ONE bad client she had(because in all the years/months fucking strange men you meet in a foreign country, only one time does it go bad. okay, sure) He somehow finds where she lives, breaks into her home, and tries to murder her. An angel shows up and murders him instead, and then Caliban finally reveals his face and explains to Marlow that he has marked everyone who’s ever wronged her. (Wronged her in what way, tho. Like if someone accidentally shoulder-checked her on the street, are they now marked for death?) I thought it was kind of weird that she’s not like…focused on the fact that her hallucinations have extended to two people and another person dying. She’s still convinced Caliban is a figment of her imagination even after she sees this happen, and Caliban explains to her that he couldn’t save her because there’s some type of contract with her that forbids him from doing anything under her roof without her permission. But she still gets mad and banishes him, and now he can’t come back, and now she’s like, but wait, no, I didn’t mean it. Thus begins the search for Caliban.
Now, I could sit here and outline the rest of the book, but I won't because it's so boring, and nothing of substance really happens. So, to summarize. Marlow searches for Caliban fruitlessly for months and finally makes some progress when she decides to go to the house of the guy who tried to kill her and finds a parasitic entity that she continuously calls a Cheshire Cat. then Silas, the angel, shows up to save her again. Silas maybe wants to fuck Marlow, I can't tell. He waffles between abandoning Marlow to die and stalking her and her mom to force Marlow to bond with him for no seeming reason at all. Everyone and their mom wants Marlow to join their religion, and I don't know what the fuck makes her so special. Marlow is such a popular author that everyone recognizes her name, reveres her, fawns over her, and has multiple copies of her two books in their offices. She's so good that she inspired millions to switch religions. This book was so exhausting to read because it was just about how amazing Marlow is LMFAO. I'm pretty sure they even try to say she's the reincarnation of Helen of Troy, the most beautiful woman in the world. Like....wow.
Marlow goes to Hell with Fauna to escape bonding with Silas, where they meet a literal stolen character design. this guy
(my original review has these images but I am an idiot and don't know how to post them so instead I'll share the links)
https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1717860981i/35597445._SY540_.jpg
Don't believe me? here's the commissioned character art.
https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1717860929i/35597423._SY540_.jpg
Anyway, his name is Azrames and he and Fauna are long time lovers and they go and bone while Marlow is in the next room and Marlow fucking masturbates to the sounds of them boning. So...I was forced to read about that, and I hated it. And then, at the end of the book, five chapters before it's over, we learn the bad guy who's been holding Caliban captive the entire time is a fertility goddess. Just out of nowhere. No mention of it previously. So, no one tells Marlow the actual plan, and instead, they send her into this fertility clinic the goddess is working out of and have her pretend to want to get pregnant. So the goddess drugs her without her consent and puts her in a room full of half-naked men, hot stereotypes from every ethnicity, while she's SUPER horny. One of the doctors tells her that 'mixed babies are all the rage right now'. The men all tell her how hot and amazing she is and how lucky they are for the chance to get to fuck her. Then after she chooses one of them, she grinds all over him while he just stands there, then they take him out and bring Caliban in and decide he'll fuck her instead. I just wanna point out that this, all of this, would be rape. Marlow didn't consent to being drugged, and if she didn't know who Caliban was, they basically just took the guy she "agreed" to have sex with away and brought in one she didn't agree to for no reason whatsoever. It doesn't matter that she's saying yes to it; she is drugged. She can't consent. Anyway, Caliban sticks his dick in Marlow and just leaves it there, unmoving, and then makes out with the fertility goddess before stabbing her in the heart and cutting off her head, even though five chapters earlier, they said it's super hard to kill a god. I'm just...wow.
Marlow gets taken back to Fauna's apartment by Silas while Caliban and Azrames are stuck fighting more Cheshire Cat demon children that I imagine look like the spider baby from Toy Story. Marlow is still high, so she's putting the moves on Fauna. She's kissing her throat, rubbing her thigh, trying to suck on her fingers. Let me tell you rn, if one of my friends showed up at my place high af doing this shit to me, I'd be livid. Because I guarantee you, Marlow will not apologize for doing any of this to Fauna.
Fauna tells Marlow that they can be sunflowers. The book ends.
I will read the next one because I like to suffer, but...I hated this. I give it 2 stars because the writing is better than TNAIM, but it was not a hit for me at all.

I have been with my wife for 8 years now we recently had our 7 year wedding anniversary. In the beginning of our marriage and relationship things were amazing. My wife has been married twice before me and has kids with both previous husbands. I have also been married twice before her me mostly being young and dumb and trying to rush life, I have never had children with either of my previous wives. After we were married we decided to have children which I expressed to her I never intended on having children with someone I didn't plan to be with forever. I did not want my children apart of a broken home. Fast forward 6 years, I confronted my wife on the suspicion that she had possibly slept with one of my best friends before her and I ever knew each other this was a friend that we regularly were around and hung with. She assured me several times that she had never slept with him or done anything to him. Well not long after that I over hear my wife drunkingly talking to one of her friends telling her friend that she did sleep with him but didn't want me to find out. I know no one here knows me so I'll start off by saying we all have a past and that's fine I just ask not to be lied to and give and recieve complete honesty. I don't think anyone wants to be hanging out on a regular basis with there spouse hanging around someone they have slept with . I didn't call her out in it immediately but it ate away at me for weeks why would you lie about that I asked myself? Looking me straight in my eyes and lied over and over. A month or so goes by and my wife is drunk and I bring it up to her, once again she denies it but I told her i overheard her telling her friend so I know she's lying. Now I'm not the type of male who is very jealous and I definitely don't play the going through your phone game because I'm committed and I give my wife my trust. Well I when I confronted her on this issue I called her out on some other shady behavior, she was going through one of her photo apps and there was a video of her ex boyfriend masturbating. Clearly by this point I am infuriated. She swears she didn't know it was on there and she thought it was deleted. We are in a public parking lot inside the car when all this goes down she freaks out and jumps out of the car, I beg and plead for her to get back in the car as this is my children's mother and I would never do anything to publicly embarrass her. Well she ends up drawing a lot of attention to herself and gets arrested since she is drunk and not calming down and refuses to get back in the car with me so I can take her home. Fast forward about 3 months. My wife and I had been out to eat and on our way home got into a arguement. Once we arrived home she asked me "doing you like living here"? Which I thought was odd but I replied yes why wouldn't I? We finally have a nice house sitting on a farm with beautiful views it's everything Iv always wanted, she replied with "ok". She said she was going to go for a walk to clear her head and I said ok I was going to use the bathroom. I got out of the bathroom and I couldn't quit thinking why would she ask such a question she knows I love living here. I went to her car because there's a pistol in to glove box and I'm trying to cross the worst scenarios out of my head. The glove box was locked as it usually is and she took her car key with her. I ran inside and got the spare and went back to the car and unlocked the glove box and the pistol is missing. I immediately track her location and see she is in a near field. I jump in my truck and go to where she is at I find her sitting by A brush pile listening sad music with the gun in her lap. I am able to get the gun from her then she takes off running through the field towards our house. At this point it is like my wife has had a complete mental break down and idk what to do I start calling her mom and dad they don't answer I call her daughter who is in the military and In a different state freaking out telling her everything that's happening. My wife makes it home gets in her car and leaves and doesn't come back for hours I can't track her because she left her phone in the field where I found her. By this point I have gotten ahold of her mom and dad no one knows what to do. So we all come together once my wife arrives back home and tell her what ever is going on we want her to get help with it's therapy or medicine we don't care we are here for here and support whatever we have to do. Time goes by and things are starting to get normal again after my wife refuses to take medicine or do anything for help. We did start marriage counseling we had scheduled 4 meetings to start with the first meeting we did as a couple the second meeting I did by myself and the third meeting was supposed to be my wife alone and on the 4th meeting it would be us as a couple again. Well when it came time for my wife to do her meeting she kept rescheduling over and over and I finally called her out on why she wasn't taking this serious. She said she was but she just had this or that going on etc all I heard was excuses. Now since you don't know my wife she is a very successful female that makes great money and is in amazing shape and literally had the perfect body even after kids, you would never even known she's had a kid and built very desirable. I am 6' 2" and I go to the gym 5-6 times a week I have never cheated in any way form or fashion on my wife or done anything morally or ethically wrong towards our marriage I have always loved my wife and thought she was perfect. After these events started happening I started to question a lot of things and I found out my wife is as truthful as I thought she was. I don't believe my wife has ever cheated on me but she does seem to tell a lot of small lies or just flat out lies in general. My wife has in the last few years became psychotically jealous I'm not even allowed to eat with female coworkers and if I do I have to notify her and tell her where they are sitting in relation to where I'm sitting and what if anything they say to me. I have to tell her every time a female calls or text me etc. I do not have any social media but my wife has almost all of them and I don't care but I would like to point out she has male friends on her social media both married and single but I'm not allowed to be friendly or joke or anything even with the people I work with and my wife knows all of them but at the same time my wife also works in a coed environment and I don't limit her on anything she does nor do I ask or care because I love her and trust her. She has recently gotten mad that she shares her location with me but I don't share mine with her, I never asked her to share hers with me she just randomly did one day but since I don't do anything wrong and have nothing to hide I started sharing mine as well. Well that became a problem while we're both at work I would be question about why have I been at a particular location for 10 min or why have I been here or there etc and that got really old really quick. A few months go by and my wife starts a physical altercation with me I have never in my life hit a woman nor did I that night but I did keep pushing her off of me as I tried gathering my stuff for work so I could leave and go somewhere else. Long story short the police showed up I didn't have a shirt on and was covered in scratch and bite marks. Luckily I was able to leave and no one would go to jail, both our careers would've been ruined if either of us would've went to jail. After leaving that night I go to a hotel from that night forward I don't come home for 2 weeks I stay at hotels or family's house still in shock of how all this has came about. How close we were to losing everything we have including our careers over her behavior. I tell my wife I want time away from her to think things through. She tells me after two weeks of not sleeping under the same roof as her I need to come home because our children are asking a lot of questions I was skeptical but I returned and only for my kids I love my kids more than anything and during this 2 week period of being gone from them I would show up as my wife left for work and take them to school and pick them up and still see them and do stuff with them. I started staying back at home for my kids my wife and I still haven't slept in the same bed I am devistated on what to do about my marriage I can't handle a controlling and psychotically jealous wife anymore. This is not all that's going on in my marriage just some of the big things. I feel like I do most of the house work and I do all of the outside work. I clean, do dishes, do laundry etc I hate not having a clean and organized house. Lately things have been getting out of control with spending financially. All of this combined is driving me crazy. I told my wife 3 times I wanted a divorce but she begs me and tells me how everything can and will be better. She did start medicine for whatever is going on with her mentally but honestly not much has changed not like she promised. She still leaves the house and goes drinking with her friends and doesn't come home until late into the night etc. I don't know what to do I am beyond devastated to think about what a divorce would do to my kids 5 & 6. I can't stand the thought of them possibly having another father figure in their future. I have days where I feel strong enough to divorce and I know everything will be ok and be fine and then I have days where I question if I would be able to make it through something like that or not. I feel really confused on what to do my wife's behavior hasn't changed much and the only reason there's been any change at all is because I told her I wanted a divorce and I feel like she's trying to look really good right now and show me this "change". I worry what if I'm never happy again what if I never have this life of fun and happiness like I had before all these issues started happen for the last year and a half. I'm really stuck on what to do

There are somethings which have been on my chest for many years and I never talked to anyone about them but I just need to get it all out of my chest. So I am a 22y feminine guy (femboy, I guess?) who just recently discovered this realm and came to terms with my person. One of the things that bother me is that, when I was around 10-11 years old, my mom took me to this 'eye doctor' because she thought I was 'too skinny' and 'didn't have enough body hair'. We only visited this doctor once and, in his clinic, what he did was: 1. look at my eyes and 2. ask me if I had masturbated by that time, and by the end of the appointment, his conclusion, according to my mom, was that 'I had to be given hormones otherwise I would grow up and become gay'. And my mom agreed. So I was given hormones, and I began an earlier puberty than my classmates. I ended up developing more body hair than them, and I remember crying on the shower one day because my skin became less soft. When I look back at this situation, I cannot stop thinking that the only gift that God gave to me (my body) was stolen and corrupted (I will never know how my body was supposed to naturally develop). And worse, by my own mother (keep in my mind that I have no father) and because of that one sentence from that stupid 'doctor'. I feel like a monster, like my body has been destroyed and violated without my informed consent. And what's even worse is that when I talked to my mom about this she said: 'you don't know what you've gained' (and I thought: 'but what about what I have lost? How could you trust that doctor with no evidence?') and my mother won't tell me the name of the medicine that was given to me, and the doctor is fucking dead so I can never ask him so I will never know for sure. This is so frustrating, I feel anger and distress when I think about this and I don't know what to feel towards my mother. Lately I simply decided to not talk to her anymore. I just don't want to see her. The other thing that's on my mind is that I don't really understand where my desire to dress femininely comes from. I remember when I was a kid I used to steal bras and panties from my mom because I wanted to try them (which I stopped doing once my mom caught me and decided to give me a wedgie in front of the whole family). But this desire never left me, it always stood in the back of my mind (repressed) during my teenage years and early adulthood. There is also the fact that my classmates would call me gay all the time (they even had a song for it) although I never showed any signs of it. I wonder if they influenced me on this path or if they knew something that I didn't. Anyways, there is more to this story but this is the most relevant information. Forgive me for the long rant, but I just needed to get this out of my chest, as it has been very heavy to me for a very long time. I wanted to know what you guys think about this situation, what would you feel about it and what would you do about it.

This is an extremely difficult to explain story so in just a single post, but I'll try. My wife's son seemingly had a history of ADHD, depression and possibly concussive related psych issues. (Not officially diagnosed). My wife and I had a daughter and after her birth he started going downhill. He alleged that his biological dad sexually abused him and there did seem to be some merit to that claim but every time he got somewhere with therapists he would ruin it somehow. He caused many scenes in our home destroying things claiming it was an accident or he doesn't know what happened. It seemed as if he was trying to have us push him away but eventually these actions got so severe we had to do just that.
He eventually said that he was having what he described to be unwanted sexual thoughts of kids including our then 7 year old daughter. His tantrums were much more dramatic (he was early 20 at this time). He demanded to be taken to psych hospitals where he stayed several times. He claimed the kids thoughts were more out of control than ever and it was regarding every child now. He wound up seeing a forensic psychologist who said these were not unwanted thoughts and he was placed in a group home. Shortly after this we found out he left the group home disappearing completely.
It was nearly a year til we found out he had gone to work at a ranch in COL where ironically kids attended and he was reportedly a great employee and had seemingly no psych issues. We were horrified because he had made such scenes that he could not be around children that before he was put in the group home the agency helping him suggested we be on a schedule so our daughter would not use bathroom at same times he would. We felt trapped in our own homes.
When we reached out to see what was going on and how he was suddenly better (seeing as we were still receiving medical bills for him and he had claimed he was completely incapacitated before moving). No sooner than we reached out he had left the ranch and was missing for another year in which he found a girl online and moved to NC to live with a girl and her family. When we finally discovered his location (no thanks to legit identity.. he used fake names on social media) we went to NC to find him and get answers.
At that time I wanted justice for what he put us through at the time in Ohio. The torture of constant stories seeing as he had no issues seemingly with children any longer based on where he had worked. We found him and it was with great shock to the girlfriends family. He wanted to keep her from finding out about his past in Ohio so he painted myself and his mom as bad people. He admitted to her when we showed up that this was a lie. However he told us they had recently broke up. It was at that time that the girlfriend began talking to us and told us he had raped her multiple times and injured her during the course of their relationship.
Here is the problem.. the story this girlfriend has said is completely crazy but the police are investigating it and because of step sons previous actions and crazy behavior (he has literally written documents that police know about that say all he thinks about is rape) he is guilty based on circumstances evidence alone. His mother (my wife) has become very sympathetic to his current situation and it has fast tracked him right past addressing what horrible things he said, did regarding the past.. I am still very angry and part of me wants justice yet I have no idea what that would be and if that would just be damning to him with other issues in NC. I am quite sure that is a story that is not true and both him and this girl both have psych issues unresolved.
As for the fact that he claims our daughter was "the one" he obsessed about daily. He says he was just trying to self destruct with us and force me to "kill him". His stories however were extremely detailed. On one occasion we went to a sporting event in city and he said because we took him to this event he was exposed to so many kids who he began imagining uncontrollable naked. He blamed us for these instances which in turn filled us with great guilt and suffering. I can't even begin to describe how hard this time was and the stories he would say. He would admit to crazy sex acts on himself in one case running into our kitchen screaming he used a light bulb on himself to simulate rape to see if he could remember anything.
My question is what would anyone do in this case? Forget what he said and did and the hell you went through? If what he is claiming is true he sexualized our daughter for the sake of attention and getting us to hate him not to mention the random kids he claimed we caused him to "look at". He admitted to random other things including these feelings at psych hospitals before leaving town. He admitted to masturbation everywhere he went in bathrooms and even in class as an 18 year old up until 20 year old at work. If anyone has any suggestion please feel free to voice it because I'm at a major loss. (And have been for some time!!)

Hey all, I’m F20, this is my first time ever posting to Reddit so I’m sorry if this isn’t clear or worded well. I’m using a throwaway account for obvious reasons. Also I’m sorry for the long post but I just wanted a clear answer on whether this is just covert incest or possibly more. Also keep in mind most of this took place when I was around 11-16.
Firstly, my mom would often talk about her sex life in great detail, especially what sex was like with my dad before they stopped. When I was maybe 14 she found out I was masturbating and took me to a sex toy store and gave me several vibrators. She’s also bought me lingerie before. She has always made comments on my body, especially my boobs. She would call me sexy and tell me I was her “fertility goddess.” Shes also made sexual jokes about me and a male teacher who I really like, going as far as to “joke” about me in lingerie getting spanked by him. When I told her it made me uncomfortable she told me I was too sensitive. She also walks around naked a lot and pees with the bathroom door open. I’ve told her this makes me uncomfortable and she’s responded with “this is my house too!” Or “I’m your mother it’s perfectly natural.” She would also vent to me about her and my dad’s marriage, telling me about him cheating and how he’s abusive, which often ended in her sobbing uncontrollably and me having to comfort her, and she often told me I was the only thing keeping her happy and she sacrificed her life for me. She’s also always been very dismissive of my feelings and gets very angry when I try to set boundaries with her.
Now my dad is 100% a blatant narcissist and was emotionally absent for most of my life. When I was about 11 or 12 he began to make sexual jokes about innocent things I’d say, often responding to my innocent comments with “that’s kinky!” When I was about 13-14 he would slap my butt with rolled up newspapers or magazines and if I laid on my stomach he’d walk in and snap the elastic of my shorts/underwear and laugh, he’d snap my bra straps too. There were also plenty of times too when he would call me “mommy” or “mistress.” There were also incidents of him flashing and wiggling his butt at me. Most disturbing of all for me were the times I’d be in my parents bedroom and he’d step into the walk-in closet to get dressed and he’d make weird comments like “I know you want to look” or “sorry you can’t join me.” Also, as an art student I took a life drawing class that involved drawing nude models, and the nude models were often women. I tried to show my dad one of my drawings and he said “oh, you want to show me your tits?” (Referring to the boobs in the drawing?” My dad was also extremely verbally and sometimes physically abusive.
I’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD and OCD which my therapist attributes to their abusive behavior although he also said I check nearly every box of someone who was sexually abused, so I’m wondering is this emotional / covert incest or something more? I’d really appreciate any opinions or advice.

I m19 have never talked about this with anyone because I feel so much shame but I think this is a place to start.
When I was about 8 years old my mom told me about transgender women and something about the idea fundamentally shook me. I developed a kind of phobia of becoming a woman but was fascinated by the idea at the same time. I would look up men becoming women online and eventually started watching tg tf videos. By the time I was a freshman in highschool, I began masturbating and I would look at tg tf content because it was my first real exposure to the sexuality of a woman’s body.
I never felt like I fit in with guys much but I didn’t fit in with girls either. By middle school I started to ditch my male classmates to hang out with the girls, leading both parties thinking I was gay. The girls let me be one of them when I confirmed their suspicions. I just decided to go along with it because I knew there was something about me that was different from the other guys. I’m not gay though, I’m very attracted to women, and very very rarely men. I got along much better with girls than the boys, though, so I wanted to be accepted by them, even if it meant adhering to an identity that didn’t fit me. The “gay-bestfriend” thing didn’t really work for me and I went back to hanging out with mostly guys by highschool.
My friend group now is more co-ed, and all my friends are more gender non-conforming and androgynous. I find nowadays I’m not concerned about the gender of my friends. A main reason why is I’m generally put off by gender performativity and think androgyny allows for more independent expression. Still, I can’t help but wish I was born in a woman’s body.
I’ve been lifting weights for a while, not because I want to look muscular and manly, but because I want to be more attractive to women. I’m also struggling with intense body dysmorphia, and I don’t like looking at my face in the mirror or having my photo taken. I can recognize that my body is now attractive, but it isn’t the type of body I’m attracted to. But isn’t that the case for all straight people?
I ended up dating my first (now ex) girlfriend about a year ago. She was bisexual and told me she thought she was a lesbian until a few years ago. Most of the girls I’ve ever liked have been gay or bisexual, so I started to jokingly think of myself as a “male lesbian.” She only ever called me cute or pretty, which I was extremely turned on by. I clearly implied I wanted to be treated like a girl and she obliged me. In bed I was masculine and dominant in some ways and feminine and submissive in others; I was very comfortable with the relationship dynamic. Shortly before we broke up, we talked briefly about having her put me in girls’ clothing and the idea made me wildly horny. I’m still very turned on by the idea even after the breakup, but I never thought I wanted to be a girl during the relationship.
I’m reflecting back on the preponderance of evidence that I’ve always wanted to be a woman and it makes me wonder if I really am transgender. I’m very self-loathing and depressed, but I don't see a clear path where transition fixes that. I don’t mind being seen as a man, but I don’t want to be masculine. At the same time, I wish to have the body of a woman, but I don’t want to deal with the expectation of acting traditionally feminine either. I would much rather live life as a girly straight man with a crossdressing kink who passes as a man in the world than as a trans woman who doesn’t pass. Even if I did pass, I think I would be more attractive currently as a man than I ever would be as a woman. Still, the encroaching threat of twink death makes me sweat
I’ve been scrolling through Reddit forums like this one, Ftm, and 4tran4, and in some ways I feel comradery with them. I don’t know if my present desire to be a woman is due to my self-loathing, but being a beautiful woman would make me feel much better than being the weird boymangirl I currently hate myself for being. It's all so confusing. I think it's just a fetish from my peculiar sexual development, but the thought it could be more makes me uncomfortable and I want to suppress it.

I just need someone to listen to me and tell me what to do from Here
I want to tell my story from the beginning I just want some to talk to about this. This started with me 10 years ago, back in 2014 I had just gotten a new iPod touch , I was so happy with it but because it was quite small it was also quite easy to be discreet from my family, while browsing the infinite sea of yt videos I would come across some weird stuff, at the time I didn't know any of it was sexual , a woman dancing seductively in her room, some picture of women in their bathing suits, idk anyways even back then I knew I shouldn't be looking at this , and I almost stopped right then and there but then I came back to it, because it intrigued me,
fast forward a year I realize I'm addicted and im scared i cant stop by then I had moved on to nudity and had discovered masturbation, I'm surprised I managed to even hide it for a year , anyways I went to my mom and told her that I watched this I hoped that would break my cycle but I never told her about my addiction, she told me the desire was normal but I shouldn't act upon it, anyways a couple of months later my dad discovered my search history but I guess decided to not address it , I guess mom already told him or something . What neither of them knew is that I was still addicted and it got worse it went from once a week to to once a day if not more, as the years go on I never got caught and my tastes changed after enjoying straight vanilla for a while I started to get bored and desired more intense stuff like bdsm or even transsexual pornograhphy I'm surprised I never got caught for a long time. All the time each year I lost more and more hope, in 2017 I discovered no fap and gave it my best shot and despite that I could only go for about 30 days max, this shattered my belief in myself I basically realized how mentally weak I was. Evey time I did it; I would get depressed, I would even attempt to beat myself in the shower with the shower head to try and negatively enforce myself to stop , I wanted to stop not only because it felt like such a waste of time and energy but because as a Muslim I knew this was a sin and I wanted to stop , I knew this was a test from God and I felt like I couldn't overcome it. I try blockers later but somehow when I needed to I could always bypass them , I was both impressed with myself and disgusted. Things really ramped up when we moved to UK , here porn was even more accessible and it made far worse for me. During my final year of school I would waste my time with this , I feel like a loser, pathetic, and one time i accidentally left the porn on while i used the toilet , my whole family saw, my brother responded by sending a text message to stating "im disappointed in you , but im gonna pretend i never saw that since its non of my business, but you should really think about what you're doing and try and do whats right " and my mom confronted me about it , i told her i was addicted, she was calm but i could feel she was sad on the inside, she told this is one of the most important years of my life and i need to get my hed in the game , i told her about my addiction and she understood, and asked me to stop and said i dont want this to happen again, all this helped ....
For about 2 weeks until i got back into pornography, she would ask me every couple of weaks how im doing and if was still struggling with my addiction, i lied everytime and said no , even tho now i knew how she'd react , there was nothing for me to lose, but i truly didnt want to disappoint her,
but last year Is when everything truly went to shit after 9 years of pornography it just got boring and now I had moved away for college , I started to do phone sex and now it turned my addiction from a problem of a lack of discipline into a financial disaster, I think over the last 2 years I've probably spent around 3000 pounds on videocalls, audio calls and even just text messages, I exposed myself online and got blackmailed twice I just blocked them both times and hoped nothing came up,
In September tho I stared to truly fight back I started going to the gym focused on my grades and stopped paying, I kept watching normal free porn every 2 days but I figured thats better than going back to OF hell.
After 6 months I was actually seeing some progress I grew muscle went from bench pressing 20 kg to 50kg , improved my grades slightly made a lot more friends but still I couldn't stop watching porn, I started a million side activities to keep myself distracted including painting or drawing one artwork a day, calling my friend to keep my company etc.
The last couple of months were really stressful for me tho resulting in my watching habits going from once every 2 to 3 days to once a day, and I got back into paying for it costing me a heafty 250 total for this month, in fact I just finished a session now , I want to quit for good I really do .. more than anything.
I want to be they guy my friends and family think I am , i don't want to be this weak loser anymore

I want to tell my story from the beginning I just want some to talk to about this. This started with me 10 years ago, back in 2014 I had just gotten a new iPod touch , I was so happy with it but because it was quite small it was also quite easy to be discreet from my family, while browsing the infinite sea of yt videos I would come across some weird stuff, at the time I didn't know any of it was sexual , a woman dancing seductively in her room, some picture of women in their bathing suits, idk anyways even back then I knew I shouldn't be looking at this , and I almost stopped right then and there but then I came back to it, because it intrigued me,
fast forward a year I realize I'm addicted and im scared i cant stop by then I had moved on to nudity and had discovered masturbation, I'm surprised I managed to even hide it for a year , anyways I went to my mom and told her that I watched this I hoped that would break my cycle but I never told her about my addiction, she told me the desire was normal but I shouldn't act upon it, anyways a couple of months later my dad discovered my search history but I guess decided to not address it , I guess mom already told him or something . What neither of them knew is that I was still addicted and it got worse it went from once a week to to once a day if not more, as the years go on I never got caught and my tastes changed after enjoying straight vanilla for a while I started to get bored and desired more intense stuff like bdsm or even transsexual pornograhphy I'm surprised I never got caught for a long time. All the time each year I lost more and more hope, in 2017 I discovered no fap and gave it my best shot and despite that I could only go for about 30 days max, this shattered my belief in myself I basically realized how mentally weak I was. Evey time I did it; I would get depressed, I would even attempt to beat myself in the shower with the shower head to try and negatively enforce myself to stop , I wanted to stop not only because it felt like such a waste of time and energy but because as a Muslim I knew this was a sin and I wanted to stop , I knew this was a test from God and I felt like I couldn't overcome it. I try blockers later but somehow when I needed to I could always bypass them , I was both impressed with myself and disgusted. Things really ramped up when we moved to UK , here porn was even more accessible and it made far worse for me. During my final year of school I would waste my time with this , I feel like a loser, pathetic, and one time i accidentally left the porn on while i used the toilet , my whole family saw, my brother responded by sending a text message to stating "im disappointed in you , but im gonna pretend i never saw that since its non of my business, but you should really think about what you're doing and try and do whats right " and my mom confronted me about it , i told her i was addicted, she was calm but i could feel she was sad on the inside, she told this is one of the most important years of my life and i need to get my hed in the game , i told her about my addiction and she understood, and asked me to stop and said i dont want this to happen again, all this helped ....
For about 2 weeks until i got back into pornography, she would ask me every couple of weaks how im doing and if was still struggling with my addiction, i lied everytime and said no , even tho now i knew how she'd react , there was nothing for me to lose, but i truly didnt want to disappoint her,
but last year Is when everything truly went to shit after 9 years of pornography it just got boring and now I had moved away for college , I started to do phone sex and now it turned my addiction from a problem of a lack of discipline into a financial disaster, I think over the last 2 years I've probably spent around 3000 pounds on videocalls, audio calls and even just text messages, I exposed myself online and got blackmailed twice I just blocked them both times and hoped nothing came up,
In September tho I stared to truly fight back I started going to the gym focused on my grades and stopped paying, I kept watching normal free porn every 2 days but I figured thats better than going back to OF hell.
After 6 months I was actually seeing some progress I grew muscle went from bench pressing 20 kg to 50kg , improved my grades slightly made a lot more friends but still I couldn't stop watching porn, I started a million side activities to keep myself distracted including painting or drawing one artwork a day, calling my friend to keep my company etc.
The last couple of months were really stressful for me tho resulting in my watching habits going from once every 2 to 3 days to once a day, and I got back into paying for it costing me a heafty 250 total for this month, in fact I just finished a session now , I want to quit for good I really do .. more than anything.
I want to be they guy my friends and family think I am , i don't want to be this weak loser anymore

I have caught my spouse hiding photos he took through a window of my mother without her consent.
My mother is completely unaware as it is just photos HE took THROUGH A WINDOW/glass door while she is innocently living in her own home such as relaxing on her own back porch, cleaning the floors, fixing a tire outside, etc. The first time I saw the photos, it was in his camera roll as I was innocently trying to find photos of our child to send myself.. caught it.. I was in complete shock. I didn’t know what to do. It was photos of her minding her own business on the back porch… he took them through our glass doothrough our blinds… it was photos of her crotch. He admitted he masturbated to them. I didn’t know what to do.. I was in shock and extreme denial.. we have a child.. I’m a SAHM.. I didn’t know what to do. I feel helpless and stranded. I never told her.. I was in such shock and disgust myself and extremely embarrassed. He swore it was a one time thing… BUT, he did it again. Shortly after.. I was in the vehicle with him.. he was driving, I was the passenger.. he took his phone out while my mom was outside looking at the tire on her car.. while in drivers seat, he took his phone out and tried to take a photo of her bent over through the rearview mirror with me sitting right there beside him.. I called him out and he pulled the narcissist card.. said I was crazy, he was only pulling up GPS, etc.. uh no.. I saw the camera and I saw what he tried to do. I never told my mom.. I was embarrassed and in complete disgust. He and I spoke further.. swore he wasn’t even taking a photo (bullshit) and he’d never do that again. I, again, let it go after we talked.. told him he better never do it again… it was a trauma block my mind did. I thought on it for a long time.. didn’t know what to do.. eventually, it’s almost like my mind trauma blocked it out of my head because I was in such denial.
Fast forward months.. here we are… I found another photo he took recently. Again, being a SAHM, I’m not working.. I make no income.. but we still have bills to pay, some come off my card, such as the credit card payment. I needed to cover our credit card payment so I went to send myself $8 (which he allows and we have to do often) from his bank account to cover the last bit I needed to ensure our credit card payment will go through.. as I normally do out of habit, I went to swipe up on all opened apps to clear them off the phone tabs so they aren’t running in the background as I do on my own phone.. totally something I just have muscle memory to do. I wasn’t snooping.. nothing. On the last tab on his phone that I went to swipe up and get rid of off the running background data, I see a photo of my mom bent over cleaning or painting the baseboards in the garage. This all happened recently in real time. The photo I saw was on an email he was sending himself.. it was a draft he had pulled up on that tab from May 19 2024 at 2:41 am.. he took the photo through the glass window on the garage door as she was cleaning.. completely, again, unaware he is doing this.
I woke him up. We talked. I didn’t even have energy to blow up. I feel defeated.. disgusted.. lost.. helpless.. worried.. I don’t know what to do. Again, she doesn’t know any of this because I don’t know how to tell her and I know if I do tell her, it’s going to blow up and things will forever change.. which they need to.. he needs therapy.. I don’t know.. I don’t know what to do. He stayed quiet.. claimed “I have a problem”.. I asked him.. what do YOU think YOUR problem is?? He said he “views women as objects” yet only does this with my mom… previous times.. he’s said he would replace me with my mom.. wish I was her.. etc.
Help me.

i never use reddit so sorry if im a little slow
ive been somewhat sexually active/solo active since i was like 11-13 and always kind of had pain with sex, originally i thought it was because i didnt have lube and didnt really do a lot of foreplay bc i was stupid and didnt know what i was doing now, i have a proper toy and lube, as well as a vibrator (ive never been able to orgasm without one) it was fine for a while with my new toy but now its been really painful again and i swore to god that i felt a bump when i was just fingering myself. i ended up going to my dr about it and they said that if there was a bump it was just my cervix which kind of confused me because it did hurt to touch but it didnt like feel like a cervix??? anyway, they recommended me to a gyno which im seeing on tuesday but ive heard her reviews are kind of horrible so im really anxious and dont really know how honest i should be with her because my mom cant know i masturbate let alone have had sex
ive had and treated BV recently but ive always really struggled with A LOT of discharge and even after treating my BV still have a lot of discharge (it doesnt smell but its annoying idk) so i dont know if thats something too
ive also really really struggled with getting wet recently, ive always kind of struggled with it but this year i feel like its been the most frustrating and upsetting to deal with. my partner is afab as well and is always like soaking when we do stuff and even on my own im not very wet so its just really really frustrating and i dont understand why its such an issue. do i need to take a probiotic or like??? how do i fix it??
i feel like sex in general has just been incredibly stressful and frustrating for a while now and i dont know what to do because im not very good at being celibate to give myself a break or something i also plan on going on testosterone by the end of the year and i know that could either make a lot of this better or worse

So me and my two adult children Clara 19 and Jamie 26 moved to a new city recently (about 2 years ago) we had lived in vegas but we lost our fathehusband so we relocated closer to my family.
We have always been close but the passing of their farther brought us even closer than ever before. The grief was so hard we’d sometimes have to wash one another (with underwear). Over time we started not to think about it sometimes the children wouldn’t wear anything being their mother having een it all before I didn’t think about it but it gave us a bond that you just can’t get any other way. As time passed and things got better life got back to normal.
We were having a dinner party with some friends and my sister and her two alex 19 and Jake 22 showed up we, accommodated them and it kind of dominated the evening as we’d not seen each other for so long. My youngest had never met hers so they went off to play or what ever young people do in their rooms.
The next morning at breakfast Clara told me she felt embarrassed the night before Alex my sisters daughter had been talking about kissing and touching saying that her x bf had said she was a terrible kisser then Clara offered to confirm or deny as a joke before she could say joke Alex kissed her on the lips. As they kissed Alex began touching Clara’s breasts and Clara said she quite enjoyed it but felt weird cause Alex was her cousin.
I comforted her and said it’s totally normal. Being brought up free and wild I had done all sorts of things with my family but never even uttered a word as I used to fear what my passed husband would have thought he never knew a thing. I told her how I would practice on my brothers all the time. I know she immediately felt at ease and we went about our day. When she left I told our son to look out for her at work (they work in the same place) as she was a little distracted.
So this bit I wasn’t there for but from what I’ve gathered. While at work my son pulled his sister aside to ask what mom was on about and was she ok? She explained and her brother being a hero recounted our similar experience with another cousin and my subsequent chat with him years ago. As my daughter is quite self conscious she asked Jamie if they could chat later in his room.
The door opened and I was mid masturbation when I heard Clara and Jamie were getting in from work. But instead of hitting the tv and kitchen like they do normally they both went to Clara’s room.
I went down stairs and peeked through the corner of the door only to see them kissing Jamie’s was instructing her to use tongue add a little suction occasionally etc I couldn’t believe it I was so proud to see my little family getting closer. I was a little worried however Jamie was a 6’ and a strong guy defined muscles tan skin and last I knew the owner of a nice sized manhood. Clara with very sexual developed but some what if a prude so to see her with her brother was a relief even if it was a taboo.
As I watched my ankle cracked (old joints but I’m only 42) they heard I pretended to be passing the room. I heard them say mom so popped my head in and they explained everything. I said let’s make dinner and chat more later.
After we had cleaned up I told them the story of my own family with a lot more detail about my mothefarther and siblings. This made both of them wide eyed and completely interested. I put my hand on my sons on the table and my son put his other hand on top and began sliding it up and down my forearm. At the same time my daughter was playing footsie with me.
I could see in the corner of my eye my son’s t-shirt twitching I knew he must have had a raging boner under it as I could see the tip moving his shirt quite a bit. I suggested we all go to sleep as being their passed dads birthday it was a sad night and we should reflect on that and not my incestual past.
While laying in my bed eyes wide wet as a fire truck from thinking of banging my own son god forgive me, that clip of his throbbing cock under his t shirt was burned in to my brain. There was a knock. My daughter said she wanted to sleep in my bed as she felt lonely and wanted to cuddle. So invited her in to little spoon. As we started to fall asleep I heard my door and then my son climbed in behind me. I thought aww he must have felt the same but as I felt his cock on my bum I quickly realised he had heard his sister seen us cuddling and thought this was a different kind of situation.
Now my son is beautiful I love him so much and already being wet I kinda wanted it to happen As at least we’d be closer and fuck I knew it would feel sooo good. I put my arm on his thigh to acknowledge his presence and he then laced his fingers and moved my arm and cupped my breast with both our hands. I only sleep in a baggy tshirt so everything was easy to erm access. As his cock twitched I started to move my bum up and down as if trying to get comfortable in small movements till I the felt him get caught on my already soaking pussy as he did I then felt him move up the bed slightly so he was able to enter me and wow what a fucking epic feeling that was I think he almost came and I know it wouldn’t take that long. With my daughter asleep or so I thought in front of me my son started fucking me from behind. It was honestly the best most amazing dick I’d ever had. My daughter turned to face me while seeming to be asleep but then she pushed her face forward and kissed my lips we kissed passionately and with tounge her brother had taught her well. She then traced my sternum down over my navel and began slowly rubbing my clit. I couldn’t believe it I was being essentially double teamed by my own kids.
Not to miss out on the fun I slide my soft hand down and started wanking off Clara soon as I touched her pussy I was shocked at how wet she was, she was love it moaning and the. Rolling over and laid on her back spreading her legs panting under her breath “yes mommy ugh mommy”. I whispered to my son to reposition and I slide down to eat my daughter’s pussy while my son entered me from behind again. We must have played for hours in many positions I know I came twice and my daughter three or four especially after riding her brother who finished inside her (and myself) as I watched and wanked and then she sat in my face as my son fucked me senseless, honestly was cream pie central. It was a beautiful night that brought us so close and now every Sunday we try make time to become closer 🥰 I love them and I hope they never move out.
Right better dash out to get some plan b before me and my daughter have my sons baby. Hope you all enjoyed my evening as much as I did.

So I was about 12 years old and my mom was dating this guy who had a lot of kids(that’s not important he just had a lot)they had been dating for about a year or 2 and we moved in with him he has about 10 kids with different women but only 1 child stayed with us. So one day my mother and her boyfriend went on a date as per usual leaving me and the girl alone. She texting me on Snapchat in the same house and we were talking on there (Dk why) but eventually she started to call me a little boy and I told her I was not as anyone would. She kept insisting that I was so I eventually asked why she stated that my d!ck was small and I asked how she would know that, she says “I seen you in your underwear when you were changing” and we kept talking for a little bit me telling her it wasn’t. Not thinking to much of the conversation eventually she said why don’t I just show her and I said no and she said she was just kidding if I am I told her I was not(still thinking this was a joke but slowly thinking it’s not) although at this point I kinda thought she was joking I thought I was prepared because I was a horny 13 year old seeing stuff like this on porn. So she comes in my room and ask ready I say yeah after this game in 30 minutes trying to buy time because I started getting a little scared she went back into her room and texted me a little later asking if I was ready I said no and she came in the room and said “I knew you was just a little boy” so I said fine and got up I sat on the bed she said if your not ready let me know” I said I’m not and she said I’m a little boy again and stop being scared. fast forward I was making excuses to not do it and went back into my room. later that night everyone was sleep and she texting me asking if I made up my mind I said I still don’t want to and she kept saying we could just masturbate next to each other on the bed. She was playing video games during this time so I went in her room and played. she turned off the lights and told me to get on top of her so I did 15 seconds later I got off her ran to my room and started crying she texted me asking where I went and to come back I did not reply and she started deleting the messages.
I know she asked for permission but I kinda told her no.And I did get on top of her so I was just wondering if this is rape or I’m a pussy I’m not to much older and this is a confessions page so why not ask(please don’t comment negative things if I’m wrong I would just like to know because. It’s been on my mind)

Hi hi,
I'm currently a student and feel like I do not like my parents. I don't know why I act this way, nor why this originated and I wanted to get some advice on next steps, if I should go to therapy, etc..
Background:
To start off, both of my parents immigrated and are desi.
As a kid I was very, very emotionally attached to the people around me. My mom tells me about how I was always "smiley" with her, how I wouldn't leave my dad's side, and I remember how every time relatives, or close friends would come over and leave I would cry: going deeper into this, I know this might sound very silly, but I would feel a profound sense of emptiness and anxiety when someone would leave our house.
My childhood was generally good. My dad took me places, bought me things, and there wasn't much conflict. I grew up Muslim, aligning with my parents on that. The only point of conflict I can recall was being forced into extracurricular school work, but I now agree with its principle and outcome.
My Parents:
My father is a very loving man, he cares extremely deeply about the people around him, and I genuinely feel like he does his best. He has assimilated well and is fairly reasonable (as far as Pakistani dads go). He provides for everyone, doesn't seem to care too much about imposing restrictions on me (more later) and has tried to build a relationship with me.
My mom is more religious and imposing, but I will also acknowledge I feel like I've weaponized my relationship with her as an excuse. She does love me a lot, though. She also tries to stay in contact, preaches "open communication" and asks me why I can't talk to her, and tries to bond (sometimes).
A sore point is that both of my parents did hit me growing up, which I know might sound like I'm burying my feelings about it. It doesn't bother me too much anymore because, when I was a teenager, I argued with them to stop, and they have. They don't hit my younger siblings, so I genuinely believe this is due to cultural differences rather than abusive tendencies (as reddit might try to convince me lol).
Teenage/High School Years:
When I became a teenager, everything kinda flipped on its head. I dropped Islam, which was very difficult on me personally when I was 15, and I felt very confined by my parents oversight and rules.
This started when I was 13.

• First, they caught me going on my phone at night and ridiculed me for sending middle finger emoji's to my friends, and talking about masturbation. I remember feeling so invaded and exposed.
• Then, the same year (summer going into high school) my parents caught me on snapchat talking to a girl, and got mad at me because I had a photo at my 8th grade graduation with her (I only had my arm over her shoulder). Once again, I felt very violated.
• 13 was not a good year for me, because a month later at summer camp a "friend" told a girl that I wanted to marry her, and she proceeded to cry, tell her parents, and report me. I almost got kicked out. My parents yelled at me (given their perspective, I get it) and I felt so humiliated. After this, I think this kicked off a series of behaviors that created walls.

When I was 15, I dropped Islam.

• This was very difficult on me at the time, I remember feeling extremely alone, isolated, and consistent existential dread. It was a rough time, and I remember doing things to try to get attention from people.
• For example: I would act sad around my friends so they would ask me what was wrong, I would lie about school achievements so people gave me validation, I feel like this was when I started to develop a lot of tendencies of finding attention and validation externally.

Throughout all of high school I would carpool with a friend (2 of them were in high school) and go to their house after, I would tell my parents I was at "theater club." I genuinely started to feel more attachment to this group versus my own parents which makes me feel so shitty.
Last 2 years:
When college rolled around, I picked a school out of state and was privileged enough to have the means to move. My parents were completely okay and supported me in doing this + paid for everything. They've consistently supported me financially and provided for me the last few years.
The recent incident was last year, when my mom found out that I have a girlfriend. She wasn't extremely upset, but both parents have been SO WEIRD around the concept and it makes me uncomfortable. I often tell my friends that the worst day of my life will be my wedding because of how much I will cringe.
My parents have adapted and listened to feedback, but I still don't feel any urge to talk to them. My mom will call me and I will overwhelmingly feel the urge to be completely bland with her and repeat "okay, hm, yeah" over and over. My dad will call me trying to have conversation and I'll be very dismissive. When I was a freshman, I remember having a flare of motivation to care about them and I tried to but then stopped because I felt internally cringe.
Reading this over, I know this reads very simply as them invading my privacy has walled me off, which may be true, but genuinely I haven't even thought about any of that in the last year until REALLY deeply introspecting while writing this.
I want to make this clear: I love my parents, the thought of them dying devastates me, and the way I act makes me feel hurt and guilty because I see how much it impacts them, but in the moment I feel like I lose all control and just can't force myself to act like I care about talking to them -– it's so fucked up.
I will sometimes feel like 20-30% of this feeling when talking to my siblings, which leaves me so confused –– am I allergic to family? Have I decided to export my vulnerability to everyone else? With everyone else in my life (friends, roommates, girlfriend, cousins) I feel like my authentic self and find myself wanting to talk to them and am consistently told I'm very charismatic. My mom has personally had a conversation sobbing with me because she sees how I act with everyone else except her and my dad, and it hurts her (and me seeing her like this). Have I developed an attachment disorder?
I understand that a lot of people may tell me that I'm a sociopath, I'm crazy, insane, etc. These comments aren't helpful, as all I'm genuinely just trying to be honest and figure out next steps on how I can give my parents a feeling of happiness because right now I'm not showing up. I don't want to be like this, but I also don't have the willpower nor the internal feelings to care.
ty for reading! <3
TLDR
I'm a student struggling with feelings of detachment and discomfort towards my immigrant desi parents, despite having a good childhood and receiving their support. My relationship with them changed drastically during my teenage years due to privacy invasions and cultural conflicts, leading me to build emotional walls and seek validation externally. Despite my love for them, I feel cringe and discomfort in interactions, causing guilt and shame. I feel authentic and comfortable with friends but obligated and awkward with family. I'm considering therapy to understand and improve this situation. Any advice or similar experiences?

Salam everyone,
I hope everyone’s doing well, or at least better than I have been. I just want to preface this by saying I know I should have made the relstionship halal a long time ago, so please focus on my current situation rather than how I was in a haram relationship. I got engaged to my girlfriend in 1 year, then had the nikkah about 14 months later due to many family and other related reasons. I am now in the second month of my marriage and I am not really happy at all.
Here’s a little context on our current situation, before I dive into some brief points that I noted of many things that bother me a lot where there seem to be no proper resolution.
We both have got married about 2 months ago through a love marriage. Both the families initially got along quite well because we were from the same place back home in India. Things moved alhumdullilah pretty well and it looked like we were going to get married. We had a lot of issues as a couple together, I would like to best describe us as amazing and almost undefeatable when we are happy and well, and the complete polar opposite of resent and hate when we are fighting. I knew we had our fair share if issues, but thought what relationship doesn’t? And that things will inshallah turn for the better after making things halal and having barakah in our marriage.
I also want a little back story on myself. I have been working a fulltime job for over 5 years now making decent money while living with my parents. Unfortunately, we had a pretty large financial loss where we lost mostly all our family money so my parents and I would have to continue renting and the possibility of owning a home would happen maybe in the next 5-10 years, with 10 being more likely with how expensive real estate and cost of living is in canada. I communicated this to my then girlfriend and she was fully aware and supportive. I have always been very ambitious, driven, and have a high will to provide for my family. So I knew within a matter of time I would prevail. But for the time being, she would need to live with me and my 2 parents.
The reason I bring this up is because I feel some to most of our problems would likely be solved if we moved into another home and away from my parents. That really pains me to say because my parents rely on me to take care of them. This has always been a top priority for me which is why I made that very clear from the get go. I said no matter what, atleast for 5-10 years we would need to live together so I can take care of them and eventually we can buy our own house nearby. She understood because she would want her brothers to do the same thing for her mom and dad as well.
Now fast forward to now, I have listed my top points of frustration, without going into to much personal detail, I want to keep things vague as possible to preserve anonymity.

1. Doesn’t practice what she preaches: she will constantly teach me things that she doesnt do herself, which I cant do for her. For example, she will say when im upset, I need to communicate it to her in a way that doesnt make her feel bad. She does not do that, rather makes me feel horrible. If I call her out on it, it just triggers her more. We have talked about this.
2. Doesnt take care of herself: she will drink up to 3-4 sugar drinks per day. That usually is a combination of ice capps and coke/pepsi. She wont get out of bed without an ice cap on her bedside which I get for her every morning. I have told her that I love her so much and would hate for something to happen to her body and health, but she gets triggered, becomes stubborn, and does not listen.
3. Doesnt allow me to care of her: Piggybacking off last line, if I see something that could negatively effect her like smoking shisha multiple times a week, she will get upset. Or if I seen she hasnt eaten all day and ask her to eat with me, she gets upset.
4. Stubborn child: If she is set on something, it will happen no matter what under her own accord
5. Disobedient, does her own thing as if she were single: will stay out with my car, letting people I don’t want to be driving it, and simply acts like she doesnt have a responsibility to her husband to tell him what she is doing
6. Severe anger + treats me like dirt when mad: the worst anger I have ever seen in someone. Someone who will rain hell on you with 0 remorse over and over again until her emotional arguments win and you have to apologize to things you didnt do without her taking accountability on her own actions. Will also treat the rest of my day with anger, passive aggression, and will effect my family and other parts of my life such as my business and job in a negative way
7. Loads of passive aggression: If unresolved feelings, this comes up but I understand this and realize this is a relatively normal reaction for someone feeling hurt and unheard
8. Interrupts me frequently: rarely lets me finish my sentences when asked on topics of that concern me. She will interrupt me so much to the point I forget what I even wanted to say
9. Gaps in her past: Questionable gaps in her past with previous relationships that still to this day make no sense. She opened up to me on her previous sins at her own will, and did effect me to some level. I did forgive her for it, although the stuff she has told me never really made sense and felt like lies.
10. Past affecting intimacy: a lot of trauma from previous intimate relationship, that to this day effects our intimacy. She says its not entirely from that, but I don’t really believe her unfortunately from again the gaps in her story about her past
11. Encourages me to sin indefinitely until she is ready to help me: she wants me to masturbate every morning and night, and will only do it herself if she is in the mood. I am not allowed to ask her and make her feel bad if she says no. Which apparently I can’t have a negative reaction and only happy and loving to her, which is not fair. So because of this, she wants me to leave the room and deal with it.
12. Deceived me about something important: relating to intimacy, very important to me and would have been taken better by me if she was honest from when I met her instead of her telling me the truth 6 weeks into our marriage.
13. Does not respect parents enough to value their love for her: she will rarely spend time with my mom and dad even though they love her so much. They just want to spend maybe 5-10 minutes a day with her, and she will find every reason to avoid. She will go days without talking to them, while living in the same house. Will want to order out or go out for dinner. This I feel would improve if we got our own house, but is not realistic for the next 5-10 years, will potentially ruin their relationship
14. Does not want to eat with family: she does not eat breakfast, lunch or even dinner with me, let alone with my family or siblings if they come over on the weekend. She will choose to stay stubborn and not eat until they have all left.
15. Does not want to contribute to house chores, would rather choose to live separate in the same house
16. Treats taking care of husband as a chore: anytime I ask her to make me something, she will say no or make excuses not to. Other than making noodles and chai once, she hasnt really taken her job as a wife to a working man seriously enough. She got upset that I bought food for lunch, when she didnt care to even pack me one or offer.
17. Forgets meaningful dates or follows through with what was planned: my birthday came and she didn’t even realize it was my birthday until the next day when I woke her up at 3pm asking if she had anything planned for the day. She completely forgot and told me she would cook me an omelette for breakfast. I waited the entire morning thinking she would surprise me, but she never ended up doing it. I dont really care for birthdays, but it sucks when all your friends and family are messaging you at midnight and the next morning and your very own wife doesnt say or do anything. Then later she runs to the store and buys me gifts to make up for it
18. Wakes up at 3pm, doesnt care to ask husband if he needs anything to eat or drink. Will stay in room till evening and will ask husband to go grab her things from downstairs, while he is working
19. Expects working husband to also help out around the room, while she has no responsibilities to make his life easier
20. Mentions when she starts working, to expect nothing from her and which is why I should be motivated to retire her
21. Doesnt like being critiqued on things, as it will in fact demotivate her or pressure her to improve on those things, which will in turn push her further and further away
22. She doesnt really pray namaz either, she has prayed once since we got married and that was for jummah. She doesnt want me to remind her either because again, it will just pressure her and push her further away. Im not super consistent either, but I try my best to pray atleast 2-3 salahs per day with goals of all 5 inshallah.

Please also keep in mind that I love this girl very much and there are things that I do love about her. She’s really caring she’s nurturing and she’s very supportive of my goals and dreams. There were many times in our relationship or I just wanted to give up, but then we worked it out at the end and stayed together. Please keep in mind that aside from everything. I do see a little girl in her that I love and care for a lot. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt her or her family. I am a very selfless person that tends to people please a lot. Maybe that’s why it’s been so difficult for me.
Also, I did in anger while we were fighting mention I want a divorce from her. I did it on two occasions, and she has forgived me, however she says it makes her feels really unstable and she would need me to sign a document stating I will never divorce her in the future and to have that notarized. I realize I made a mistake, but I dont want to give up such a massive right that I have, especially with how I have been treated
Also keep in mind that there are three sides to a story. This is my version she will have her version and then there will be the actual truth of the entire situation.
I am so lost and confused, what do I do? Is this normal? Do I keep trying to be the provider husband that I strive to be? Please help me.

If you do not have time to read this, or would like a video explanation for this article that will help you understand this better, here is the link (the video also includes images taken from the journey):
https://youtu.be/7BeZz79zMHk
Foreword
First and foremost, I would like to thank you for showing interest in my journey and trusting me enough to share the challenges that you are facing during this difficult time. You are not alone, and I am here to make it more understandable for you in order to ease the difficulty that you might be facing or are about to face when deciding to take this on. Before we begin, I want to mention that this topic is a continuation of the original article named “Gentlemen, holy shit” which went viral in the NoFap community on Reddit resulting in over 160,000+ views, over 750+ shares, and all in all 97% upvote rate.
If you would like to read it, here is the link, it will give you more of a background where this in depth discussion has originated:
https://www.reddit.com/NoFap/comments/1d3qd4g/gentlemen_holy_shit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Let’s begin.
Wake up call.
It is the month of November, 2019. It is a cold, windy Saturday here in Seattle (for those who live in the pacific northwest know what I am referring to.) I received a message from a mature woman who was in her late 30s and of Hispanic descent that showed interest in me over the last couple of months and asked me if I would be open to meeting her in the downtown area that evening. Since I was interested in her (I was 24 at the time, and yes there is just something about grown women that tickles my pickle, they deserve love too.) I decided to make things interesting this evening rather than just taking her to a nightclub (which pre-covid, I was very well connected with the owners of, and hence had special “VIP” treatment there. Back door entrances, tables, bottles, exclusive areas, etc.) I had decided to grab an AirBnB close to where we were meeting, grab a couple drinks perhaps, walk around and then head to “my place”. I had laid out the logistics of the plan and sent her a message explaining exactly what we were going to do that evening, with the last statement stating that later on we will go to “my place and get to know each other a bit better”, she knew immediately what that meant and sent me a couple of pictures for me to pick from in regards to the outfit that she was going to wear. For some reason I was busy actually planning everything that I couldn’t respond in time resulting in her just going with what she thought I would like. (Now, I am the type of guy who enjoys all colors, shapes, and sizes yet prefer more of darker colored physical features of hair, outfits, shoes, etc.) and to my surprise she had picked out an all-black outfit with black heels which immediately caught my interest and attention (Mind you this is inside my head, I didn’t tell her that.)
We had met at one of the bars in the area and to our surprise for some reason it was closed. Hence, we decided to go to a different place that wasn’t too far and grabbed a bottle of wine, a pair of wine glasses and decided to just enjoy it at “my place.” We had arrived at the location and entered the room. Now, anyone who is familiar in how to build a relationship with a woman and has experience having sex will understand that women have a “routine” that they like to follow before the actual act of reproduction happens. Most of the time, they will do what? Go to the bathroom, get themselves ready, sit near you and have a bit of a sensual conversation, etc. Well, that is exactly what happened.
NOW, with me not knowing at the time that I had a SEVERE porn addiction and dependency. I also, went to the bathroom and tried to “get myself ready” by opening up a couple tabs on my phone getting a couple scenes going, ANYTHING to get me to have an erection. To my surprise, nothing even budged. “The fuck? That is odd.” I thought. Coming out of the bathroom I was shocked to find out that this woman, had drank the WHOLE bottle of wine by herself which was kind of a “weird” thing to see yet whatever, the woman likes her wine… I guess.
Before we continue, please a word of advice, if an individual that you are about to be engaged in sexual acts with chugs a WHOLE FUCKING BOTTLE of wine. Perhaps it would be better to just go to sleep and carry on another time and not place yourself at risk of a “sexual assault of a drunk individual”. (Try proving yourself innocent in court with that coming out of the prosecutor’s mouth.)
Now, I am grateful things did NOT go that far, yet it sure as could have looking back at it now. (Keep it at a two-drink maximum, if you do decide to drink.)
Alright, moving on. We started making out and touching each other, everything was such a great experience. Me undressing her, her undressing me (and by the way, gentlemen PLEASE practice unstrapping a bra, because if you get hung up on that you WILL make yourself look like a fool, thank goodness on my first attempt that shit snapped off.) The whole foreplay experience was very pleasant, she got turned on right away, I became aroused mentally (yet notice I said mentally, and not physically.) UNTIL it came time for her to do her part and get my shaft “wet”. THIS is where shit started to go south, my dick became a bit erect yet no where near a full erection. She started blowing me and calling my penis her “caramelo” which in Spanish means “caramel” (totally not obvious, I know) and when it came time for me to insert my dick in her, it just “disappeared”. It was as if my body just completely rejected her and wanted to do NOTHING with what was happening. I must have used up perhaps a whole box of condoms because the tiny amount of an erection kept coming and going and yet every time I would put on a condom, whatever erection I had had disappeared. This just kept repeating until she just offered to fuck her mouth and that is exactly what I did. That night ended with me ejaculating into her mouth with whatever erection I had, and then telling her that “next time, perhaps you should wear an outfit that is more revealing and sensual” which I KNOW was a complete fucking asshole thing to say since she DID wear EXACTLY what I prefer (Fucking idiot, I know. God damn what an idiot looking back at it now.)
Alright that was the moment when I started seriously questioning myself in regards to what the fuck is happening to me.
Paying a visit to the “Doctor.”
The very next day, I had scheduled a visit to my physician and what was recommended to me COMPLETELY placed me on high alert in regards to how this situation is treated by the medical “professionals.” I was recommended to take VIAGRA and CIALIS in order to treat my “erectile dysfunction”. “Erectile Dysfunction ??” I asked in a shocking surprise. “I am 24 fucking years old, isn’t erectile dysfunction something old people have??” I thought in my head. Leaving the medical office, I couldn’t believe it. It was as if there was a great misunderstanding in regards to what I am experiencing. “Did I not explain my situation clearly?” I thought “Okay, perhaps my testosterone is low, let me buy a bunch of Goat Weed supplements” ran through my mind. Perhaps instead of watching pornography of other individuals fucking, perhaps I am going to watch only the POV (Point of View angle of the camera showcasing what it is like to have sex from the individual’s point of view, for those who don’t know) content and this way train my brain to get aroused only to certain “angles” that are more relatable to how it would actually be when having sex. I started only watching porn that only showed women masturbating, only watching scenes from the POV angle that showed only the sexual positions with the camera pointing in a more “natural” angles that an individual would see when actually having sex. At the same time taking testosterone supplements, completely being unaware to what the fuck was actually happening to me. I became so insecure in regards to my “erectile dysfunction” that actually (knowing that now) was a SEVERE case of Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (also known as PIED.) Since now I was getting seriously concerned in regards to why am I experiencing what I was experiencing, I started doing research in regards to these symptoms. It was at this point I was invited to a quick coffee meet with an attorney of mine named Tim (Tim oh my god, you have fucking saved me and I am FOREVER grateful) which I told briefly my experience with dating, and questions I had in regards to why women are the way they are and all that shit, and he introduced me to a couple dating coaches that I RELIGIOUSLY started watching to learn everything I could on the nature of women, their psychology, sexuality, dating “strategies”, etc. I started reading every book I could get my hands on in regards to sexuality, pleasure, how the female anatomy works, etc. ANYTHING I could get my hands on in regards to those topics I would without a question read and learn from. (Hence, I am so good at what I do now, can’t you tell?)
This was the moment I decided to drop pornography and masturbation. Here we go. I will try to describe the journey and include as many details as I can, because frankly now, it seems as if all the 15 years of this addiction has been all but a big blur. Yet for you I will try my best. (You ready?)
Week 1 – Fucking Idiot.
The day I decided to no longer artificially stimulate myself is the day I remember having an INCREDIBLY high anxiety. For some reason I was so worried about things I don’t remember that apparently were so “serious” enough that I had to worry about them. My skin was extremely oily and acne was almost a regular occurrence. My physique was of a very skinny individual yet had a bit of a double chin thing going on and a small belly that wasn’t too noticeable yet was starting to appear. I remember being overly “nice” to individuals that didn’t wish me any wellbeing and always an individual to “turn the other cheek” so to speak always trying to prove that being “nice” is what gets you ahead. (Oh boy was I wrong about that one.)
I remember my parents, my dad, my mom, always being irritated with me, and I had no idea why. My mentality was “If I am going to be the nicest person and always smile” people will value me and get me to be successful, while at the same time be absolutely chewed and spit out almost by everyone (I am not even going to start talking about how women treated me, here is a hint: absolute disgust). It was such a wild experience that I will never forget. There were complications at work (people treating me like shit), complications in business projects (difficulty with management, team members, etc.) and it was an overall shit experience. (Looking back on it now, my testosterone was so low, that estrogen was instead taking over and driving me, resulting in very feminine behavior, as you can tell.)
I would always try to avoid conflict, try to “soften” things just to not get emotionally hurt, try to let things slide just so conflict wouldn’t happen. Notice I am not talking about any sexual experience or women, that is because NONE of that was ever even CLOSE to happening when I was in that state. Women would not even LOOK at me and I couldn’t look at them because I couldn’t even hold eye contact for any period of time. I remember as clear as day, being at one of my families’ social events, and there was this new family that just came from overseas with a girl that was part of that family and was showing signs of interest towards me. I remember this happening again clear as day, her walking into the house and standing behind me waiting to meet me. I turn around, (and please have patience, you are about read a moment of some clown ass behavior) and I just jump up in surprise as if I have never seen a girl before and just start acting like a complete fucking clown. The moment that happened EVERYONE started laughing at what just happened, and her WHOLE attitude towards me changed from being curious to who I was to an ABSOLUTE DISGUST. I will never forget this. Never. Oh man. What an IDIOT! (If you are watching a video of this, I will showcase a couple pictures of myself and you will see that in me clearly.)
Okay, that is the WORST version of myself that you will get to read about, fuck I can’t believe I was that way. Let’s move on.
Month 1 – Getting a “taste” of testosterone.
This was a very interesting moment to observe, since after the fiasco that happened in the previous weeks. I had started feeling incredible surge of aggression and rebellion that I have NEVER felt before. I spontaneously decided to grow a beard. (Again, if you are watching the video I will showcase and image of.) I started being more aggressive toward individuals, started standing up for myself and demanding people to start respecting me. At work I started following less orders from management (which eventually led to me leaving), and started studying for a real estate license just because, no reason. My skin continued to go through episodes of acne yet it felt like the acne was popping up due to the fact that I was in some way shape or form going through “puberty” again. It is wild to say yet it literally felt like I was going through hormonal changes. I started pushing harder at the gym, and overall become more determined in my efforts. Now, in the sexual department, nothing. No libido, no erections, no “morning wood,” nothing.
At this point I still didn’t have enough guts to approach women let alone conversate with them. Yet deep inside of me I was starting to feel like a man, a man that is on a mission yet had no idea what that mission was, I started trying everything that I wanted to try. I started learning computer programming, just for fun. As mentioned previously started studying for the real estate license, just for fun, and overall becoming a more skillful individual.
Now, after this is when things REALLY started happening, and not in a positive way. Keep reading.
Month 2-3 – Relapse, aggression, energy.
On the second month of the journey is when my mind started waging a complete war against myself. This is odd to write yet somehow, I started wondering if the previous porn stars that I was getting off to had any new content. Now bear in mind that, for some reason these “new” porn actresses just for some reason did not do it for me. I was yearning for the older (2011 – 2017) type of content that I was growing up being used to, and that in a way what helped me get through it because every time I would go and binge on this content I would become “disappointed” due to the fact that I am constantly having the desire to watch “older” content, and that was getting old. On top of that these porn stars were younger and better looking back when I was getting off on them and yet now, since they were aging, their newer content just did not do it for me. Hence that gave me a bigger reason to just not watch it at all. Okay, back to the journey. At this moment my brain was trying to convince me that “edging” was the trick, that the ejaculation was the “thing” that caused dependency, that my “lasting” time would increase and at the same time I thought that if I do not “release” that I would be fine. Oh man, was I so SO wrong about that. This process of “edging” is EXACTLY what caused me to relapse, and IMMEDIATELY after the relapse I just couldn’t believe it. The very next day I felt like shit, looked like shit, and was in absolute disgust in regards to what happened the night before. I told my self “You fucking idiot, never again” and the combination of aging porn stars, older content that started getting boring, resulted me in having more willpower to abstain from it.
What is interesting is after the first relapse, I noticed that I started getting less attention from individuals around me, my energy had dropped, and it was more difficult for me to work out. This has lasted for about a week. After that week, my energy started coming back and I was BACK into the cycle of self-improvement, software development, real estate license, reading, physical fitness, combat sports, etc.
I didn’t even notice how I started becoming more and more aggressive and eventually that led me to getting kicked out from the training facility for chocking a kid out (well a kid to me, in actuality it was a teenager) right in front of his pathetic ass mother (worth it.) It was a shocking moment for me since I really was into the training and have been training on/off for years, yet this was personal for me since I got so close to the trainers and the training partners there that in a way, I became disappointed and in the area that I lived this was the best training facility.
Since now I had to find another place to train, I started grabbing my gear to the gym and doing bag work exercises there until I found another place to train.
This has caught a lot of attention from the gym members since the amount of energy that I had was insane. I would go to the gym, go through the workout, then I would go to the bag area, go through the warm up routine (jump rope, shadow boxing, stretches, etc. guys that train understand this process), go through the bag work, and THEN and only then I would go back home, and get back to the self-improvement process. Till this day I look back and wonder “damn, how was I able to do that?”
Month 4-6 – New Training Facility, Flatline, Women, Oh and Another Relapse.
Since getting kicked out from the previous facility I was now hungry to find another one, and find another one I did. This new training facility had a different routine and training approach which made me focus on the very fundamentals of combat sports, whereas the previous location needed to get fighters out as soon as possible in order to start making money from them. This place took things slowly and made me basically start from square one. On the other hand, this place was in a more upper scale neighborhood and hence had more access to more of a “tech” inspired crowd (for those unfamiliar, Washington State is the home turf for Microsoft, Amazon, Boeing, etc.) that means that now there were more educated and sophisticated women training there. This led me to witness for the very first time, true nature of how SAVAGE women can be when competing for a guy that they want.
At first when I started training there, I made sure that everyone there knew who I was (notice the confidence level rising), I walked up to every single man, and woman who was there and made sure that they knew that my name is Eli. This started stirring up the place and a couple guys did not like the fact that now I am the “hot shit.” On the other hand, the women there at first were very cautious and didn’t pay attention to me, yet over time of me not giving a shit about them (because my dick still didn’t work, and I didn’t want anything to do with them since I didn’t want them to know that my dick didn’t work) they started to get curios and eventually noticing that other women were starting to want to “roll” with me. Rolling in the Jiu-Jitsu world is used to describe the training process between two partners. Meaning that the two individuals are going to be in very close contact with their bodies through out the training process.
As soon as (and I remember this clearly) one of the trainer’s daughters got on top of me during one of the sessions and noticed that I did not flinch, act nervous, or mind her being on top of me. It was ON. Ever since then, the women in that place almost competed to see who would become my “rolling” partner. I tried my best to not pay attention yet eventually it started becoming so evident that this would start stirring up a bit of drama between them. It got so wild that one of the “hotter” girls there got the chance to roll with me, and as soon as she mounted me said, I kid you fucking not, she said “FINALLY.”
I have NEVER experienced this before and couldn’t do anything about it because I did not want anyone to know that MY DICK DID NOT WORK.
Okay, back on topic. During my training there is when I would experience my very first episodes of the “flatline” process. In the morning I would drive to the training facility and feel absolutely dead. No energy, no motivation, no drive, I barely was able to move if at all, and coaches were getting confused since they would see me basically out perform everyone one week and then be absolutely dead the next week. I tried to combat this by drinking caffeinated drinks and that did help in the moment, yet as soon as the training was done, the ride home was just absolutely dreading, and I had to do that again later in the day (training twice a day).
This was very evident for myself since I had never felt such fatigue, I felt so old, tired, useless, I tried to hide as much as I could yet it was just unbearable. Yet, after about a week, it seemed like it was a recurring process that started to take less and less time whenever it would appear again. Every time I would enter a “flatline” it seemed like it was easier and easier to manage. Almost as if from the beginning it was a mental state of “holy shit, what is going on. Am I going to be like this for the rest of my life?” to a mental state of “Oh here we go, alright just get through it, you will be fine.” It became more of an annoyance, than a worry.
Now, you were most likely waiting for the story in regards to the second relapse, well! Here you go, how did it happen? Well, it all started with me wondering (Man that brain of mine, knows EXACTLY how to manipulate me) “Are any of those porn stars actually producing any more of those movies, are they still working? I am just going to check whether they are still in the industry or not and see whether they are still in their “careers”, for research…” (The fuck? Who the fuck cares?? YOU DON’T KNOW THEM. Is what I should have said.) Next thing you know I am watching just the scenes of these porn stars, not intending to masturbate (since now I think I know better) and BAM! Next thing you know my nuts bust without even touching anything. RELAPSE. Now, what was different this time around?
Whereas before, I was looking at life from the lens of an addict into a life of an individual that had a healthy brain (desexualized), and now I was looking at life from a “healthier desexualized” brain into a life of an addict, and THAT was very evident. Let me explain:
Notice how right before this second relapse, life was starting to look promising, good habits, physical health, women starting to pay attention, etc. yet as SOON as I relapsed, I saw the life that I was living this whole time before taking on this journey. It was as if I took a journey back into my old self. IMMEDIATELY the next day, when I went to the gym, and this was so evident I will never forget this. Women that would usually start to show interest in me, acted like I didn’t even exist. I started feeling anxious, this feeling of “weakness” became apparent again, there is this one particular older Hispanic lady, perhaps in her late 30s, has a great physique, great long dark hair (again I don’t mind older women, they need love too) was walking towards me, and for some reason I was looking at her and out of NOWHERE my body just “twitched” from seeing her look at me, and RIGHT AWAY her face went from a smirk to a face of absolute DISGUST. I will never forget that look, ever. That right there, was the LAST moment that I told myself “I will NEVER relapse again” and I have not relapsed or even have the slightest want to view sexually explicit material ever again.
This was the “toughest” part to get through, the mental battles, cloudiness, physical fatigue, feeling of being absolutely worthless, at some points even thoughts of suicide came to mind during this stage. Yet, somehow, somehow, I pushed through, and eventually it led me to seeing the “light at the end of the tunnel”
Month 6-8 – Light at The End of The Tunnel.
Looking back at everything now, it is as if I was a completely different individual my whole life. Was I really such a different person this whole time? Is this what drug addicts go through when they go through the process of recovery?
Those are the thoughts that started running through my head during those months. It is incredible how the last 15 years has been an absolutely blur compared to this state. Here is when I started to feel more alive. I started to re-read the books I’ve read before and understood them in a completely different way than I did previously. Information starts to “stick” and your memory becomes clear. I started looking people in their god damn eyes and not flinch for a second. I started to mean the things I say and say the things I mean. It is so difficult to describe this to someone who is still not out of the woods yet when it comes to desexualizing your brain. This was the stage when I started just randomly walking up to women at the gym, store, coffee shops, fucking anywhere I went and just look them in their eyes, and say anything. Literally anything, I would walk up to a random girl, look her in the eyes and say “Hey, my name is Eli. It’s a great day. What is your name?” and THAT’S IT. I just did that with every girl I found attractive just to say something and get more comfortable with just that. Not caring about what she says whether she reciprocates or not, I just wanted to be proud of myself of doing just THAT.
You know what? That’s what has led me to my FIRST actual enjoyable sexual experience that solidified my choice to never go back. (Go back to fucking what? Go back to pixels on screen of people I DON’T KNOW? Go back to seeing other MEN pleasure the women that I WANT to experience pleasure from? That sounds pathetic just typing this.)
Anyway, here is how it went.
Month 9 – Present – Never Going Back.
I was meeting with my photographer at a local Starbucks near where I live. I arrived a bit earlier and started ordering my drink (I enjoy the honey, lemon, citrus tea that they have, so good.) and the girl that was taking my order, wow, how can I describe her voice. It was the most innocent, sweet, nurturing, just the most pleasant sound waves that I have heard come out of woman’s mouth, and IMMEDIATELY my body started tingling, and I felt a bit of an erection come up. Something that I have NEVER experienced before, EVER. (Mind you I lost my virginity at age 16 yet even then it wasn’t like this.) This was something that I just could not pass up. Yet, I kept it cool, kept the eye contact to see how she is reacting to this moment, and understand something…when you experience this “jolt” in your pants, your eye contact tells her everything she needs to know (somehow). I grabbed my drink, met with the photographer, and kept the side of my eyes on her to see perhaps if she is going to go on a break or go to the bathroom, some moment to get her alone and shoot my shot (the sexual drive that I had at this moment was just skyrocketing, no way in hell I would let this chance pass by when my body is reacting like this.) I felt like a fucking panther stalking its prey through the bushes, literally, I have never felt this before.
To my luck, a couple minutes later, she went from the counter to the entrance door to change a bag in one of the trash cans that was nearby. RIGHT then in there, I told my photographer to hold on for a moment. I walked up to her and said “Excuse me, I just wanted to introduce myself, my name is Eli. What is your name?”, what has transpired after that is looped exactly the same way that got me here in the first place. We met near a nice park in the city about a week later that she was surprisingly living not too far from, we shared an incredible conversation (women right, who would have thought that would happen…yet it did), and then we met again a week later at the same park which then she asked the question “Where are you staying tonight?”, now Gentlemen, when a woman asks you that question, know that she is not JUST trying to know where the fuck you are staying that night. She is trying to see if you pick up on the fact that if where you are staying that night is suitable for her to be comfortable and safe for REPRODUCTION. REPRODUCTION will happen, and THAT is exactly what happened. We ended up going to her place that evening, and the rest, well the rest is history. This was the FIRST time I have ever experienced truly pleasurable sex that both of us have enjoyed and THAT what has led me to writing the viral story of “Gentlemen, holy shit” the very next day that has become the face of the NoFap community, with over 160,000+ views, and over 750+ shares, for which I have JUST shared a background story for (which by the way if you wonder what experience has led me to describing the “Now, let’s get to the fun part, women:” section at the bottom of the article, THIS was the experience I was describing. (Mind BLOWN, right? I know.)
Conclusion
Congratulations, you know have completed the circle and now know the full story. I appreciate all of your support and encouragement. You all have been absolutely incredible. Is the journey over? Absolutely not, this is only the beginning. Am I FULLY recovered? No, absolutely not. There are still mental battles and in some way shape or form “flatline” symptoms that come and go yet they are much MUCH easier to manage, since remember now it is more of an annoyance rather than a scare.
Is my dick fully functional? Not yet, yet it is MUCH better than I have ever felt it to be. It is much more responsive to regular individuals, as you can tell from the story. Just a feminine voice did it. Am I looking forward to a better future? YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT, I can’t WAIT to start absolutely DESTROYING women once my “Johnson” fully awakens. Yet, this was a major victory in my life so far, and I cannot wait to start living it.
Life LITERALLY begins at the other side of porn addiction.
Gentlemen, I wish you all a GREAT rest of your day.

Throwaway account because this has burned shame so deep into my bones that I no longer can stand it. TW for sibling sexual experimentation, possibly molestation? Idk anymore For some background- When I was a young girl, I was three years older than my brother and we were given unlimited, unmonitored internet access. I found hentai specifically at younger than 10, and this was encouraged by my mother, saying that a healthy relationship with porn is important. I also want to mention that I had a long period of childhood sexual deviancy that I have since moved on from, but I did actions such as exchange nude photographs as a minor with other minors online, read 18+ fiction, and masturbated at least once a day. I would even masturbate in public. This led into- When I was very young, again around the age of 9-10, I sexually experimented with “oral sex” with my brother. It was of course nothing like what it really is, but I found from giving him oral sex, I found pleasure. I unfortunately remember the pleasure viscerally, and it haunts me. I know we did this at least two times, for sure, as I only really remember an incident where I wanted to do it again, and my brother did not want to. I believe I pressured him into it anyways. Now that we are both young adults, I am 22, my brother has expressed to our mother that this has damaged his ability to form meaningful relationships with women, as my mother put it. I am terrified that my mom is sugar coating it, and that she and my brother believe that I molested him. I am inclined to agree. I don’t know why I did it, or what made me want to, or why I continued to pressure him into it. I feel awful knowing that out of all of the fucked up shit from our childhood, I couldn’t protect my brother from myself when all I ever wanted to do was keep him safe. My question lies in the fact that I am aware that impact over intent is key, but many siblings sexually experiment. I can’t figure out how to feel about this. On one hand, in theory it’s pretty normal, but on the other he is now in therapy for this issue, and I can’t help but feel like a monster. How do I go about this? Is there a different therapy route for the perp? Am I even really a perpetrator at all? How do I pull myself together so I can try and mend this when he’s ready. I want to be ready to repair things once, and if, he’s ever ready to repair them, but I need a starting point.
TLDR; I sexually experimented with my younger brother at the age of 9-10, and he has lasting mental health issues because of it and I need to know where to start fixing things.

So my story is a long one. And a success story. Twice.
I originally got PSSD in 2010/2011 from long term lexapro use. I had

1. Genital Anesthesia
   
2. Low libido
   
3. erectile dysfunction
   
4. Low ejaculate
   

Originally things got worse before they got better. I had complete disconnection from my penis. Over the course of 2 years things healed to the point where:

1. I had high libido, especially with a caring partner
2. I could get it up for and maintain erections during sex
3. I could go multiple times a day
4. Masturbating to porn became pleasurable again.

I was then off all medications for 11 years. Until I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and went into a depression so deep I couldn't stay off medication. My mom was diagnosed with ALS, and I went through a divorce. The Anti-psychotic I took/take gave me sexual side effects too. However, with my new girlfriend I could have great sex, and despite some genital anesthesia, My orgasms were great, it felt good, and I had no problems with libido or getting it up. I would feel kind of asexual in between sex, but when prompted my libido would come roaring back.
Fast forward to January of this year. My mother passed away from ALS and I went on lamictal (along with the other antipsychotic). Within 10 pills of Lamictial I had full genital anesthesia. It was terrifying. I had really bad anorgasmia too. I thought I was totally fucked. But slowly over 3 months my function came back! And it actually got better than before. So even WHILE taking an antipsychotic my body healed from the damage lamictal did.
I then did something I fully regret. I went on Viibyrd in mid April as I was back in a place of feeling suicidal. By week 3 I had full anorgasmia, low libido, and bad erections. I got off after week 4 and a mediumly-quick taper of 1 1/2 weeks.
Now:

1. I have basically no libido
   
2. Unlike before with low libido, being prompted by my GF promotes a very small libido response instead of a strong one
   
3. My erections are terrible
   
4. I have few morning erections
   

As with ALL of the healing in each stage (2010, 2023) from medications that gave me PSSD, they followed a windows and waves pattern. I would/do get better function, then it goes away and I lose all hope, then it comes back stronger. Even now I have had a few days off the Viibyrd where erections and libido work again, and I think I am back. Then it goes away and I get DEEPLY depressed.
My girlfriend is fully supportive. And while she has sex with me any time I initiate, she's told me she's happy to be without sex and it wouldn't bother her at all. This was something she said to me before we even had our first date because I brought up my PSSD. We have been together for 7 months now.
So.... I don't know if things will improve again. It took the Viibyrd because I was suicidal. I don't know, looking back, if I would have made a different decision. I have recovered function from PSSD two times now. I hope I can again. Just need some words of encouragement from people who know what's its like.
I also post this to tell you recovery (natural) from PSSD IS POSSIBLE. I lived it twice. Hoping I can again.

After a seven week stint of abstinence, I relapsed today. I'm struck by the Jeckel/Hyde contrast in my personality between the 98 percent of the time when I am abstinent and the 2% of time when I am in a relapse. It's frustrating because I can make so much progress on my life when I'm abstaining, but still can see myself getting worse on the relapses. I think what is keeping me from making it past the 2-month mark is that I don't have an end result in sight for what is healthy. My wife and I don't get much time together at all, and over the years we have drifted apart sexually, partly because of my porn use but also partly because she just fills our time together with TV and cellphone and talking with Mom/friends/brotheaunt/one of an infinite number of cousins so that I hardly have a chance to make a move, and when I do, I usually get turned down. (This is doubly discouraging, because I still struggle with some slowness to get hard, and the frustration of getting turned down makes me even more afraid to try.) So I need to find a way to maintain healthy sexuality even when my wife and I are figuring things out. I am also a non-practicing but still mostly believing Christian. I feel like when I relapse I let down God and my family, but it is so hard to come together with my wife. I don't even know what I'm asking. Nofap has helped me. It is the reason I get to be a father. But I just swing back and forth between Puritanism and Pornography as a pattern, and I'm wondering if I shouldn't try and be a bit more Buddhist about it and try and find some moderation with masturbation, since it does constitute most of the sexual activity I manage to have. If anyone has any thoughts or comments on my situation, I would love to hear them.

When I was 16 I was approached by a friend asking if I’d be interested in a “babysitting” position. I had experience with little kids so I thought it would be a great match. He explained to me that I’d be watching 3, low functioning, autistic teenagers. A set of boy twins (16) and set of girl twins (14). (One had autism, the other didn’t) I had some hesitation considering I had no training or experience but my friend assured me it would be just a few hours of “hanging out” I decided to agree to an interview with the mom to get a feel for it. Looking back now, the interview was an entire guilt trip. The mom told me this sob story about how her husband works as a nurse and because her children are so disabled she has to stay home with them all day. I felt awful for her because she kept repeating that “having a PCA is the ONLY way we can have a normal life!” She made me feel like I was important and was going to make a positive impact for this family. She explained that the job entailed hanging out with the kids and making sure they stick to their schedules and routines. I had no idea what I was in for. Right off the bat they gave me a list consisting of every house chore you could think out. Dusting, sweeping, vacuum, mopping, wash/dry/fold/sort laundry (ALL of the laundry, not just the kids’, this was a family of 7) dishes, making meals, organizing fridges etc you name it, I did it. The mom said that these were essential parts of our jobs because “the kids can’t do their chores” and she “deserves to have a normal life”. Here’s what gets me. The mother had every reason in the world to not be home with her children. Every week (sometimes twice) she would go get her nails done, hair done, massage, followed by a gym or bar meet up with her friends, not getting home until 9:30-10 pm. If I ever spoke up about having to leave due to it being a school night she would once again guilt trip me into how this is all possible because of us and she’s so thankful she can have a normal life. Her normal life was acting like her autistic kids didn’t exist. Her children were terrible. Violent. Aggressive. Hostile. The ABA guide would be there weekly and the moment they left they allowed the kids to go right back to their behaviors. Biting. Punching. Slapping. Screaming. And these were no small kids. Due to the parents not enforcing them to eat any form of vegetables these kids lived off of soda, juice and any type of processed sugar carbohydrate. Their heights ranged from 5”8 to 6”3 with all of them weighing more than 260lbs. When they would get enraged they would tear the whole house apart and whoever got in their way. Multiple times I was backhanded, bitten, body slammed. I was scared for my life when they made me shower the daughter and she charged at me naked and bellowing and slammed me into a sink while trying to bite my neck. One of the boys once backhanded me because his dvd was scratched. When I brought these issues up to the parents they would dismiss it and say “if you do that again we won’t go for a ride/get Wendy’s/etc” and enforced no boundaries or discipline. I reached my breaking point when they started to go through puberty. The parents would let the daughter openly masturbate on the couch in front of anyone who was home. Just going to town dry humping the family sofa while Sesame Street blasts. The boys would try to fondle my boobs or grab me. I brought this up to the mother and she guilted me into thinking that they had no idea what they were doing and that I probably should cover up more because obviously it was exciting them. As the daughter reached puberty she became more out of control. Being around her you didn’t know if she was gonna bite you in the neck or just start fingering herself at the dinner table. Her period was the final straw. When she got her period she would perseverance over her pubic hair. She would roll it back and forth between her fingers. It had matted into a solid, smelly fishy, bloody dreadlock. The family thought it was so funny. “She’s playing with her dreadlock” I was mortified. Then they asked me to shave it. Again, I had no training no experience nothing as a PcA and didn’t feel comfortable showering or shaving her since she tried to attack me the last time. I had asked if her twin sister could shower her instead. The sister was neurotypical and also “worked” as a PcA (aka she clocked in and continued your life however she wanted and got paid for it) well this set the mom off. She said her daughter could never shower her sister because it is so degrading to have to wash her own sister. That was my final straw. Long hours of excessive cleaning, constantly looking over my shoulder for an attacks, a guilt trips by the parents drove me over the edge. I cut them off entirely. I learned that the mother now travels New England giving speeches about her inspirational life and how she is the sole caretaker of her children.
Ask me anything because I need to rant.

I suppose this is more a question of "was this sexual abuse, like in general?" because idk where else to post this. I wanted some advice, especially since I told my best friend about it and he became increasingly concerned. If this doesn't fit the sub I will delete. (I'll probably delete after receiving an answer, anyway). Also a bit of a warning, I am very blunt when I speak about being naked and masturbation and such which I'm aware isn't always great but I can't imagine rewording it differently, it's just kind of how I talk.
Growing up I was a very sexual kid. I'm still a very sexual person but I don't act on it, I keep everything in my head to myself. As a kid, not so much, which led me to do very weird things. I used to expose myself in public which I got a huge rise out of, urinated in places where you're not supposed to (public corners, vents), masturbated in public (when no one was looking, but still in public. I liked the threat of possibly being caught), and even touched my best friend inappropriately a few times when we were kids. He doesn't remember that though, as we spoke about it not long ago, but it still makes me feel very guilty. There was a friend of mine I had a crush on as a kid so because I believed in hypnotism and magic spells and all that bullshit at that age I tried to look up a way to hyptonise them so I could have sex with them. I've heard this hypersexuality is pretty common in kids who were sexually abused in some way. I was about 9-13 during this.
My parents swapped between being good parents and being bad parents (they still do), and I mean that in the non sexual sense since they were both verbally and emotionally abusive/neglectful as well as both supportive and unsupportive of me. Although I remember my mother doing a lot of touching and commenting. Up until maybe like a year ago or 2 years ago (I'm 18 right now) it was pretty common for my mom to slap (as in a sexual slap, not physical abuse) or grope me, do that sexy whistle thing, call me sexy or otherwise make other similar remarks, that sort of thing. I always disliked it and felt uncomfortable but whenever I voiced that my mom would get pissed and my dad would defend her and get pissed at me too so I ended up giving up eventually. It's not non-existent now but it's less. They both also never gave me much privacy I suppose. I mean, they didn't in the general sense — I was only allowed to close my door if I was using the bathroom or getting dressed, and this is still the case for the most part, and I was prohibited from locking my door until like a year ago where I just forced it — but I have plenty of memories of them barging in, which I read is apparently a form of sexual abuse. I just ended up starting to lock my doors because of how often it was happening. It saved me from embarrassing situations quite a few times but it always makes them angry. I have a specific memory of my dad barging into the bathroom when I was preparing for the shower and was thus naked, however I had been jerking off so I had an erection, and my dad pointed to it and told me to make sure I wasn't masturbating. I don't know how old I was, maybe 10-12 or something. I also took showers with my dad, and I remember not liking it, but I also don't remember anything bad happening or him touching me so I don't think that's worth talking about. I'm afraid of inventing memories that didn't happen.
Okay now this is where the hypersexuality gets weirder. My maternal grandfather, when he was alive, lived in a different country than me so we had gone to see him and my grandma when I was 12. Him and I were a bit weird with each other, especially me towards him. When it was just us two, I guess I found being exposed or whatever near him exciting so I did it often. If I were going to the bathroom, I would pull down my pants and underwear and sit down and then close the door, so he could see everything. I remember undressing in front of him unprompted. Downstairs had two bathrooms because he added one illegally for some fucking weird reason (he was delusional his whole life too, mistreated my mom and my grandma pretty badly, but nothing sexual as far as I know) and that one he added was his and only his, and we had to use the other one. I used to purposely use his because I knew he would barge in without knocking and I liked that. And he did, a few times. For a long time I only focused on this, and in my mind, as far as I was concerned, I traumatized the poor man. I realize this is silly now of course.
However, I also remember him doing some stuff too. Like, previously mentioned, a lack of privacy, although to be fair this wasn't strictly towards his bathroom and he did it to me on the other one that was "ours" too, I remember him trying to pull down my pants once with his cane (he was somewhat successful, he got to see part of my underwear) and he used to put his hand on his dick and, with his pants still on, he'd pretend to masturbate and grin at me. I remember once he came in to the living room while I was watching cartoons and I was a weirdo so I didn't want him to know I liked cartoons despite literally being a child so I switched it to the news. Said country doesn't censor non sexual nudity on tv as far as I'm aware so that's what the news was showing. It was some kind of photoshoot I think. He looked at me with a weird grin and did the pretend-masturbate thing although going from when I was a weirdo child who liked masturbating in public you can masturbate without actually taking your dick out (although obviously it's still really noticeable what you're doing) so it's possible he was actually doing that. I don't remember him leaving, or him staying, or him stopping, or the world continuing after that. No memory of whatever came next. I just remember feeling really awkward and uncomfortable. Thinking of it makes me feel empty inside, almost. Really odd.
And as well if any of what I wrote here in this post counts as sexual abuse of some kind then my classmates sexually abused me a lot too. I was bullied horrifically in school verbally and emotionally (and occasionally physically) so it doesn't feel out of character. A common bully thing to do to me was to grope me or touch me, or to make some comment about my body or my ass or something. It was funny to them and their friend group and the varying reactions I had to it, ranging from ignoring or going shy to becoming aggressive or threatening violence, always gave them a good hearty laugh. I hated that so much. It happened a lot. Also in eighth grade a couple made out and had sex (with clothes on) under my lab table. My teacher somehow didn't notice. Hated that too, I was super uncomfortable and annoyed.
I guess in general I just want to know if I was sexually abused as a kid or I'm just being a pussy. I suppose I'm trying to find a reason to explain why I was fucked up as a kid and why I'm still really fucked up now, and also if I was sexually abused it's even more of a reason for me to go to therapy. I know everything is written weirdly but I'm not good at storytelling or giving details so I'm kind of rambling just writing what I remember. I hope this post isn't against the rules.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/aita-vaseline in amitheasshole
trigger warnings: masturbation
mood spoilers: funny?
 
AITA for telling my MIL why I have vaseline next to my bed? - Wed May 1 2024
Hello, sorry for the new account, I don't want this associate with my other account.
Okay, so, my MIL! Or actually I will start with my wife "Tara". Tara is lovely and wonderful. Tara also escaped from her little midwestern hometown and ran to the coast the absolute moment that she could, and I am pretty sure her mom took that personally. (her mom was born and raised in and around that small town)
So my MIL. She is emotionally immature. Tara read that one book about immature adult parents and she finally understood her family dynamic in a way she never did before. MIL is not a bad or evil person, she usually means very well, but she's kind of, I don't know how to put it, self-centered? Like her first thought process is always "how do I feel about this new information".
Tara and I bought a little starter home last year (fuck interest rates but we're hoping they come down and we can refinance, the place was too good to pass up) and her MIL invited herself over last week. This is something that is extremely on brand for her, and we like to pick our battles in this family, so we just let her.
Her mom (who again is not terrible, just has bad emotional regulation and boundaries) shows up and drops her stuff in the spare room and just immediately starts giving herself the tour. Again, whatever, we actually hired a cleaner before she arrived so we wouldn't worry, annoying but that's life.
So she's wandering around and comes to our bedroom. I have a jumbo sized tub of generic vaseline next to my bed because I use a nose CPAP and my lips get chapped so she picks it up and makes this really weird face and says, almost direct quote, "well I know what THIS is for!" And I respond, "oh that's for chapped lips, I don't jerk off with vaseline."
Apparently my timing was good because my wife laughed but my MIL did not laugh at all. Then for the next three days she kept asking me ARE YOU GONNA BE GROSS AGAIN when I tried to make normal conversation. I said over and over that she was the one who made the joke and her response was always "yeah but that was a JOKE!" like what I said was totally serious? And I guess it was, I mean, I was telling the truth, but I was only bantering because she started it. I didn't even invite her into our bedroom.
Anyways she brought it up over text to Tara and there is subtle pressure from her to just apologize, but I don't think I did anything wrong. AITA?
Comments:
robospammm

NTA. She was the one who first insinuated it was for sex. You just said it out loud.
She's got the dirty mind....

OOP

so her argument is that it was innuendo and mine was just stating words out loud. I think this might be a cultural thing too maybe idk, I have gotten in the doghouse in this family before for being too direct?

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slackerchic

NTA, she tried to make you blush but then gets mad because you made her blush is what this basically boils down to. The next time she says something about it I would just be like "omg how much do you think about this ONE comment??? The fact that it seems to be at the absolute forefront of your mind is making me almost as uncomfortable as the original "joke". Can we just bury this entire incident?"

OOP

yeah I think I might have been more direct than she's used to.
I am mostly worried about my wife, who gets to be the middleperson here. She finds it harder to set boundaries with her mother, I would gladly tell my MIL to just stop and go away if she wants to talk about it.
thank you for context

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mamblepamble

NTA. I read that book. My mom does this. She wants you uncomfortable so she has the upper hand to step on your boundaries and make you feel dirty. She was going to weaponize your reaction that entire trip if you had one and bring up the tub of Vaseline to get a reaction at every chance she got. You took that power away, turned the tables and didn’t give her the reaction she wanted (embarrassment) and now she’s pissy because you embarrassed her, she can’t take it, and she has no emotional power over the situation.
Let her be pissy. Fuck around and find out.

OOP

I mean, context, she does this with Tara a lot, which is why Tara upped sticks at the first opportunity.
when you put it that way... it seems really bad though...

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE
Update to the MIL vaseline post - Wed May 22 2024
Amitheasshole wasn't interested, probably because it is boring:
I took the advice of a couple people in the original thread and I talked to my wife about (1) what happened while her mom was there and (2) how we would manage similar situations going forward. I think the commenters were mostly right, and that my MIL was using what i said as a cudgel to get "the upper hand" (I don't know how else to put that) in conversations.
We talked it out and agreed that we would let it go, but if she brought it up again, or if she tried something similar again, we would present a united front and we would refuse to engage with her, I guess, "attention-seeking" behavior? Again I find this all weird and don't know how to really talk about it or phrase it.
Well, you can probably guess what happened.
She was on the phone with her mom just catching up and her mom brought up me being "gross" again. I wasn't on the call or anything but I could hear her in the other room. For context, Tara finds it very hard to set boundaries with her mom because her mom will just not let some stuff go. She will just keep bringing it up and talking about how bad she felt, or WHY would she do X or Y, etc etc.
Honestly I am so proud of her for what she did: she hung the fuck up! She said "mom we're not gonna talk about that anymore" and then "mom, we're moving on" and then I just hear her phone get set down on the bedside table. I walked in to check and she had this great little "defiant" face on, like she was proud of herself too.
I hope that the little rush she got from saying no to her mom is encouraging to her going forward! Thanks to the commenters and thanks to the person who DMed me the TikTok about my post lol