Iphone holster

Is there a CCW fanny pack out there that has more than just a main zip compartment and tiny outer zip, doesn't look super dude-ish, and works well? Below is my long list of considerations as well as top three picks. I've spent hours scouring the internet and am leaning toward the 9.45. Q.A.P.S. Lite, but want to make sure I'm not missing anything. Not looking for a crossbody sling and would like for it to be just big enough to hold my things (VP9 SK, iphone 11, keys, wallet, POM pepper spray). Would like to use with a Crossbreed modular or A.R.M.S. holster.
I'm a 5'6" 135ish lb stay at home mom to a 2 and 4 year old. This pack would mostly be for summertime when it's harder to cover up. I also hope to be pregnant again soon, so this is how I intend to carry if and when that happens.
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• My top picks
  • 9.45 Industries Q.A.P.S. Lite $132.99
    • Doesn't look super tactical and comes with a kydex holster so I know for sure my gun would fit
  • Vertx Everyday Fanny Pack $49.99
    • I really like how this looks, but there is some feedback about the clip not being great and coming undone by accident. That's a scary thought when carrying a gun, especially with kids around.
  • Paladin Outback MK3 $130
    • Pricy, but intriguing with the fun poppies of war floral pattern. Can't find any reviews on it but 100% American made and seems legit.
• Insufficient space (main CCW compartment plus small front zip compartment)
  • Tight Chutes Voyager CCW Pack $79 (w/o M.A.R.S. holster)
  • Elite Survival Systems Hip Gunner $62.95
  • Spiritus Mk3 $64.95
• A bit too bulky
  • Hill People Gear $130
  • Eberlestock Bando $49
  • Sheepdog Response Low Viz $64.99
• Miscellaneous no-gos
  • 5.11 Tactical Select Carry Pistol Pouch $42
    • Pretty blatantly tactical
  • Helikon Tex Bandicoot $37.99
    • Belt is too long (38" min length), not my favorite design
  • UUB Phoenix $129
    • Bag design is strange... my husband laughed at me when I said I was considering this and said it looks like the ghoul from the fallout show would carry it. Also awkward to use if wearing shorts since it would wrap around bare leg?
  • Jessie James Waimea $49.99
    • Lots of fun color options and plenty of space. However, zipper quality seems to suck per reviews (yikes).
  • Gun Goddess Kailey ? sold out
    • Leather design is cool but CCW compartment is furthest from the body, which doesn't make sense since it would sag outward. Also, hook and loop panel is on the far side, making the draw kind of weird. Also would rule out a kydex holster with hook and loop since it would have to attach backwards.

Timestamp: https://imgur.com/a/GbTdFln
Selling 2 backpacks, 2 vortex flip to side magnifier mounts, 1 Glock 17 and 1 Glock 19 slide skins, sling, Pantac usa leg drop holster, Magpul iPhone 6 and similar sized phone cases
All for $120 shipped

I just completed my taxes (late I know), cleaned my house, did my workout and a bunch of other things after putting my phone on airplane mode.
I have no doubt I could become a coder or learn the cello if I keep this up

Hey everyone,
I'm doing my first Camino in the second half of June, starting in Porto. Been lurking here in preparation and below is my first cut at my packing list. Current pack weight is ~5.75 kg without water or food (<5% bodyweight).
Big Two

• Pack: Osprey Stratos 34
• Liner: Sea to Summit Breeze Liner

Worn

• AIRism Ultra Seamless Boxer Briefs
• Darn Tough Hiker Quarter Cushion Socks
• Outdoor Afro + REI Trail T-Shirt
• Altra Timp 5
• Target Running Shorts

Fanny Pack (attaches to pack)

• HMG Versa
• iPhone 14 Pro
• Credential
• Passport
• Belkin 10,000mAh USB Type-C Power Bank with cables
• Ray Ban Clubmasters
• Chicken Tramper Ultralight Wallet w/ Cards & Cash

Extra Clothes

• AIRism Ultra Seamless Boxer Briefs x 2
• Darn Tough Hiker Quarter Cushion Socks x 2
• REI Swiftland H2O Running Jacket (Rain/Wind)
• Columbia Thistletown Hills Polo (for town)
• Kuhl Deceptr Pants (for town/churches)
• Vuori Strato Tech Hoodie
• Mountain Hardwear Crater Lake T-shirt
• Target Running Shorts

Utility

• 750 ml Smartwater Bottles x 2
• Rawlogy Travel Cork Massage Ball
• Black Diamond Spot Headlamp *Converters
• Chargers/Cables
• Zpacks Lotus UL Umbrella
• Umbrella holster
• Thermarest Z Seat
• Crocs
• Spork
• Buff w/ UPF 50 (sun protection/eye mask)

Toiletries

• Matador FlatPak Zipper Toiletry Case
• Dr. Bronner's Castile Bar
• Matador FlatPak Soap Bar Case
• REI Multi Towel Mini
• Folding Toothbrush
• Unpaste Toothpaste Tabs
• Floss
• Travel deodorant
• IFAK
• Daily Medicine
• Safety Pins

Hi. I often find myself in sporting environments (kids soccer games, training, going for a run/play at a park with my sons) and I like to wear ultra light sport shorts. I find I have to take at the minimum my phone and keys and if I leave them in pockets my shorts fall down. I have recently upgraded to an iPhone 15 Pro Max which is quite heavy and large. I’m looking for a minimalist discreet looking sling or pouch that I can wear on my chest and maybe on my back, is very flat and most importantly does not flap/move around if I go for a light jog. I’m guessing the holster type slings with 3 straps is what I’m after. I’d like to avoid the bumbag style. But I can only find these on Temu and they are larger than what I want. I really want a compact flat and especially discreet looking bag/sling/pouch that can hold my phone and keys and nothing larger. No need to be able to fit an iPad! If anyone has any suggestions I’d appreciate it.
TIA

I received an email from an associate, good old “Big Cock from Table Rock”, or “BC” for short, referring a Sasquatch nuisance case to me. Apparently, there was a farmer down in Macon County that was having livestock go missing. He was asking for some help to put a stop to this. At first he assumed that since most of the missing animals were chickens and rabbits the perpetrator was most likely a fox, coyote, or a bobcat. But then something happened to change the farmer’s mind.
See, this farmer was staking out his critter pens by laying up between two big bales of hay. He was armed with a shotgun loaded with 00 buckshot shells. He was expecting to kill the thief with it. But as it turned out, that shotgun would be no match for this thief.
A little past 2:00 a.m. while staking out the animal pens, the farmer had drifted off to sleep. He was abruptly awakened by the alarmed sounds of his chickens. He immediately raised up a bit and raised his shotgun toward the chicken coup. At first he did not see anything. The coup itself stands 5’ high, and runs about 20’ long. It houses 30 chickens normally. But by now the count was down to 23.
The farmer could not see anything. It was dark, of course, but there was enough light emitted by the full moon high in the night sky above to illuminate the coup and surrounding area. The farmer figured that the interloper was on the other side of the coup. He considered changing position in order to intercept and dispatch the invader before it got inside the coup. Then suddenly, the trespassing creature stood up. It was clearly on the opposite side of the chicken coop. And it was HUGE.
It was on two legs. It’s legs and pelvic areas were hidden behind the chicken coop. It’s stomach is the first thing you see standing above the coup. The farmer was awestruck. He described the creature as bipedal and standing at least 14’ tall. It had very broad shoulders, probably 7 feet across. It was covered in long and matted black hair, had a prominent brow ridge, and dark sunken eyes.
After standing up, the farmer says the creature forcefully opened the roof of chicken house roosting area, stuck its huge arm inside, grabbed 2 chickens and pulled them out, then returned the roof back to its original position. The beast then looked around and walked away heading to the wood line approximately 100 yards to the east. The farmer never moved nor made a sound. He was too frightened to announce his presence. He watched the monster retreat into the woods with his chickens. Then he waited a few more minutes before moving out of fear that the monster may still be nearby and may see him. He was finally able to muster the courage to shimmy out from between the hay bales, then he ran all the way back to his house. He went inside, locked the doors, and sat in the living room the rest of the night with his shotgun at the ready in case the creature returned.
The farmer immediately knew it was a Sasquatch. They are not common in this area, but there have been cases of them moving up and down the Flint River valley. And that is exactly where the farmer’s property is situated. The fact is, there was nothing else this creature could have been. It was a big “hairy man”. And it perfectly fits the description of other Sasquatch seen in the valley over the years. The farmer had heard the stories but did not believe them before tonight. As unsettling as the sighting was for him, the one thing that worried him more than anything else was how BIG the thing was. He knew that there was no way his shotgun, or any other gun in his safe, was big enough to stop an animal that size. He figured it would take an elephant gun, minimum, to kill that thing.
The poor farmer was at a loss for what to do. He could not let the creature keep stealing his animals. Plus, he felt like the Sasquatch may be a threat to his family. He wanted it gone. He just did not know how to do it. So he made some phone calls to the families who had members who had seen these things in the past. Of course, his calls and the story he told were subjected to scrutiny and laughter by most. After a couple days of this the farmer got nowhere, save for succeeding in ruining his reputation as a sober, standup man in the community.
A week and a half later, and several chickens and 2 calves lighter, the farmer received an unsigned note in his mailbox. There was no return address. The note said “I’ve seen it too. It’s a Bigfoot. It’s real. If you need help, then call me. My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX (redacted)”. The farmer was at wits end and immediately called the number. It turned out to be another farmer in the area, with property on the other side of the river.
The other farmer had a very similar tale to his: a large, hairy bipedal monster showed up and started stealing his animals. It turned out that this other farmer had a nephew who is into Bigfoot and other creepy things. He had some contacts with Bigfoot hunters who would come out and remove these animals from your property. The other farmer told him that he would be happy to get his nephew involved to help him run off the Bigfoot if he likes. The farmer readily agreed!
The next day the other farmer’s nephew visited the troubled farmer. He listened to the farmer’s story intently and inspected the area where the Bigfoot was seen. They even found a footprint. The nephew measured it, then cast it. It was 24” long and 11” wide. A real monster!
Realizing that this farmer had a real problem on his hands, and possibly a very dangerous situation, he told the farmer that he knew someone who could help him. He explained to the farmer that while he is a Bigfoot researcher he is not really equipped to engage them. But he knew someone who could come out and remove the animal if he wanted. The farmer eagerly said he wanted it gone and that he would be glad to pay for the service. “Well then, let me see about getting ahold of him and getting him out here”, the nephew said to the farmer.
As you probably have figured out by now, the nephew is my associate, good old Big Cock from Table Rock (“BC”). He is a paranormal investigator. Upon assessing the farmer’s precarious situation, BC contacted me, The General.
When the email notification “binged” on my iPhone I was right in the middle of eating out the ass of a hot little MILF I picked up earlier in the evening at the bar in an Applebee’s. I ignored the email. This chick was super hot! She is really petite, just like I like them, standing maybe 5’5”, size 4, and 105lbs soaking wet. Oh, and a very legit c-cup. She was a brunette with a little bob haircut. Perfect! She was probably what I would rate a 7 due to her face not being perfect. But that’s fine with me. It’s not like I am looking to marry the bitch, ya know what I mean?
The bummer in the deal, though, is that this chick was at the bar with her fat friend, Bernice. She was a real tank, and sloppy as shit. If I was going to get into my chick’s pants I had to get old Bernice layed. Thinking on my feet I called in a favor from a buddy of mine, old “Thick Meat Pete”. Old Pete got caught bootlegging a truck load of shine a while back. I managed to pull some strings and get the charges dropped. See, I just happened to be in possession of some Polaroids of the Sheriff modeling some lingerie. When the Sheriff learned about this he got so upset he forgot all about that little bootlegging matter involving Pete!
So I called up old Pete. After some pleasantries I told Pete I needed a favor. He asked what I needed. I said, “I need you to fuck a fat skank so I can wet my dick in a top-shelf fuck-puppet.” Old Pete hem-hawed around, such as not being too interested in fucking a pig. I said, “Remember, Pete. You fucking owe me. If not for me you would be rotting away in the county jail right now.” Pete finally agreed.
Me and the girls went back to my place. Pete finally showed up, late. I made a mental note to smack the shit out of him tomorrow for this. Anyway, me and the brunette went back to my bedroom and started fucking. I left Pete to entertain the pig out in the living room on the couch.
We had been at it for a good long while when the email notification sounded on my phone. I had already destroyed that MILF’s pussy, so I started on her wazoo next. Shortly thereafter there was a knock on my bedroom door. “Fuck off!”, I said. But it continued. Then I thought that maybe Pete needed a rubber or something. “Whatever”, I thought, “whatever keeps him and that fat bitch outa my hair.”
I told tits “Hold on a minute, honey. I will be right back.” I cracked the door open to find Pete standing there. “General!! Come here!!”, he said. I told Pete to fuck off, but he kept insisting that I come out there. I start getting pissed. However, Pete looked shaken. Reluctantly, I stepped out of my bedroom to see what was going on, closing the door behind me.
Once in my living room I smacked the piss out of old Pete. “OUCH!!! Why’d you do that, General?!?”, asked Pete. I said “Because you are a shit-sorry wingman, Pete! You are supposed to be keeping that fat fuck busy so I can fuck her friend!! Now what the hell is so important that you have to fuck up my shit?!?”
Pete turned and pointed to Bernice lying there on the floor. She was all naked and covered in folds of flesh. “Oh, that is just fucking DISGUSTING!”, I said. Then Pete layed the bad news on me. “General, that bitch is DEAD!”, said Pete.
I looked at Pete in his eyes. He was serious. Then I looked over at the fat bitch. “Disgusting”, I said. Then I turned back to Pete and smacked the shit out of him again. “Owwww!!l, said Pete. I said “Pete, you are a shit sorry wing man, you know that?” Then I asked him how she ended up dead.
Pete went on to tell me that the two of them started making out, then one thing led to another, and pretty soon they were fucking. “Ohhh … That is disgusting!”, I interjected. Then at some point Pete was holding the fat bitch up off the ground while he was fucking her. But he lost his grip and she fell backward on the fireplace, cracking her head wide open on the bricks. I asked Pete how in the world he could have dropped her. He said, “Well, she’s really heavy, General.”
I moved in closer to inspect the fat bitch. I told Pete he could have at least covered her fat ass up before getting me out there. “Fucking disgusting”, I said again. After failing to locate a pulse I confirmed that she had, in fact, expired. Then I looked around her head and found blood. Then I lifted her head off the bricks. “Yep, there it is”, I said. “What is it?”, asked Pete. I said “It’s her fucking brains. They’re everywhere.”
Well, that really shook up old Pete. He started heaving and puked right on the floor! “You dumb sumbitch!! Not on my floor!!”, I said. I smacked the unholy shit out of Pete and told him to get some wet rags and clean up his puke. “Pick up these fucking brains too, you incompetent fuck!”, I said.
From in my bedroom I heard the brunette call out, “Hey General! Am I going to have to come out there and get you?”. I said “No, I will be right back!”, I called back.
Pete was already on his hands and knees cleaning his puke off my living room floor. Clearly, he was falling to pieces. Tears were streaming down his eyes as he scrubbed up the sick. “What are we going to do, General?!? I am on probation!”, said Pete. I told Pete to shut up and clean all that shit up, including cleaning the brain and blood. I told Pete we would figure something out after I was done. “Done doing what?”, asked Pete. I said, “Done fucking that bitch in my bed, dumbass!” Then ‘SMACK!!’, I smacked the shit out of Pete again.
I returned to the bedroom and resumed defiling that little brunette. “Is everything ok, General?”, she asked. I said “Everything is beautiful!”, I replied. We continue to suck and fuck for 2 more hours. She dozed off exhausted around 5:00 am. Once I was sure she was asleep I decided to go check on Pete. I slowly rolled off the bed so as not to disturb … uh… well shit, I don’t even know her name. The brunette bitch!
I quietly closed the bedroom door behind me. I saw old Pete on the couch. He was sitting up, but had obviously dozed off, as his head was hanging way back. I looked first at where he puked all over my rug. It looked spotless. I bent down to look closer. It WAS spotless. “Goddamn, Pete! Good job!”, I said quietly. Then I glanced over at the fireplace. The dead bitch was gone. I walked over there half expecting to see the brick stained with blood and brains. But the bricks were completely clean!! Old Pete has done exactly as he was told!
I decided to wake up old Pete. I shook him and said “Pete! Pete!! Wake up you dumb fuck!!!”, and shook him some more. The bastard just sat there lifeless. Then a thought hit me: Maybe old Pete started feeling guilty about killing that fat bitch and killed himself. “Shit!!”, I said to myself as I turned and walked to the window to look through as I pondered my situation. This is all I needed right now. I already had one homicide to deal with. Now Pete was going to lay it all on me to deal with on my own AND throw a second death on top of it?!?! That fucking son of a whore!!
I turned violently and started toward the couch where Pete sat, intending to rip what’s left of him to shreds out of pure, blinding rage. But I was immediately stopped in my tracks. “PETE!!”, I exclaimed. Unknown to me, old Pete had got up from the couch and was now standing between me and it. “Holy fuck!!! I thought you were dead!”, I said. Old Pete replied, “Aww, nah. I’m just a heavy sleeper, General.” I called him a “stupid fucker” in response.
Anyway, I queried Pete for an update on the post-mortem cleanup operation. It seems that Pete had wrapped up the fat bitch in a rug and stuck her in the bed of his pickup truck. He then scrubbed everything down with Windex window cleaner, followed by stuffing all the paper towels and other remnants in a garbage bag, sealed the same, then placed said bags in my kitchen. Pete then realized his mistake, discovering that Windex is window cleaner. He subsequently located a bottle of bleach then repeated the foregoing.
“Good job, Pete”, I said. “What now?”, asked Pete. I told him that he needed to start a fire in the fireplace, and that it needed to be a great big roaring fire. Then he needed to burn the contents of those garbage bags and the bags themselves. “No DNA”, I told Pete. He nodded in agreement. I told Pete to give me his truck keys because I was going to get rid of the shit he loaded in his truck bed. Old Pete obliged. I said “Ok, Pete, I am going to take care of what’s in your truck while you take care of business here. Got it?” Pete nodded. Then I said, “Remember: NO DNA!”.
So I left in Pete’s truck and headed down to the river. I will not get into all the particulars of what transpired after I left the house. Suffice it to say that before I left the house I grabbed my chain saw, some wire, and some concrete blocks. I also grabbed some pliers so I could do some dental work while I was out. I traveled to the river, a couple of creeks, and a remote tract of woods. All in all my trip took about 3 hours. By the time I got done the sun was up.
On the way home I went through the drive-thru window at a Dunkin Donuts to buy Pete and I some coffee and a couple of biscuits. When I pulled up to the window I was greeted by a pretty face and a wide grin. “GENERAL!! I thought that was you!!! Hello, baby!! How you been?!?”
I had no fucking idea who this bitch was. But she seemed to dig me and, more importantly, she had a rocking set of tits. So I played along. “Hey there, sweetie! You is looking GOOD girl!! You been working out??”, I said. I sat there for a few minutes talking to this bitch without any idea who she is. Finally, I heard car horns blasting from behind me. This royally pissed me off. I hung my head out the window and shouted at the driver immediately behind me that if he blows his horn again then I was going to come back there and murder him on the spot.
The fact is, talking to the bitch here in the drive-thru window was getting me aroused. More accurately, looking at her hard nipples being pushed forward, thrust at me, through her Dunkin Donut uniform shirt by those big old double D titties … it was driving me crazy. It also gave me a huge, throbbing shanker. I had definitely allowed myself to become distracted.
The bitch then said, with a sad look on her face, that I had better pull on through. “My Iranian bosses are really strict. They are ball busters, in fact. I fucking hate them”, she said. Then I thought to myself for a moment. Iranians. I fucking hate Iranians. Instinctively I reached for the .357 mag revolver on my hip. I had it half out of its holster before I caught myself. I then repeated the mantra taught to me by the court-appointed anger management therapist: “De-escalation”.
I turned to the bitch in the window with a grin on my face and said “Fuck those Iranian pricks! Hop on in here with The General and we’ll have us a good old time!” The bitch let out a “Yee Haw!” and jumped through the window and into my lap. “Fuck yeah!” I said, then hit the gas. I headed back to my place with the intent to fuck this cute bitch silly.
We were only halfway to my house when the bitch had my cock out and started blowing me. “Oh General, I have dreamed of that big hard cock of yours for months!”, she said as she slurped and gagged on my rod. I still had no idea who this bitch is. But whatever. I let her suck on my pole as I drove home.
I finished off just as I pulled into my driveway. I sat there for a moment or two, then we got out and went inside. I had my hands all over her ass as we walked inside. I was already throbbing again! Then the sound hit me. It was loud snoring, from inside the house!!
I immediately went on full alert. I told the bitch to take a time out as I pulled out my magnum. Someone was inside my house! Determined, I moved purposefully toward the sound. It was leading me into my living room. At the doorway I slowly slid my head inside and looked, with my pistol at the ready. There I found the source of the snoring. There was a man sleeping on my couch.
It was Pete!! Holy shit, I forgot about that sumbitch!! Suddenly, the reality of the preceding night set in and I remembered what Pete and I had been doing before I went to Dunkin Donuts and got distracted by the cute bitch.
Right then the cute bitch asked who that was sleeping on my couch. “Shut up”, I said. I knew I had to play this scene just right given what had gone down here last night if I was going this bitch to willingly give up her cooch to me. I turned to her and asked her to go into the bedroom and get herself ready for me. She obliged. Then I turned my attention to Pete.
“WHAP!!!”, I smacked the shit out of Pete upside his head. He jumped up and whined “Ouch!! Why’d you go and do that, General?”. I told him to shut up. I then asked if he had taken care of everything like I told him to. Pete nodded, then said “Yessir! I took care of everything, even the girl.”
“THE GIRL?!?” Holy shit!! I forgot about the Applebee’s bitch in my bed!! And I had just sent the Dunkin Donuts bitch back there!! Oh shit!! This is going to be awkward! I immediately started concocting what to say so I could turn this into a rocking 3-way. My dick hardened at the thought of this! What a fortunate turn of events, I thought!!
Then Pete interrupted my train of thought, saying “General, I took care of everything like you said. Even the girl…”. I told Pete to shut the fuck up because I was preoccupied with what was about to go down in my bedroom. After 5 minutes of hearing nothing from my bedroom I figured that the 2 bitches had met and that everything was going to be cool. I told Pete to chill out for a bit while I went to work. I then went into my bedroom, cock first!
I went in and got into bed with the Dunkin Donuts bitch. The other bitch was not in bed. I assumed she was in the bathroom. The donut bitch and I started making out. She started stroking my old tallywacker as I was finger fucking her cooch. It was getting all hot and steamy in there. I started wondering where the Applebee’s bitch was. Was she in the bathroom taking a shit? Fuck!! What a fucking slob, I thought.
Now, I had already blown 4-5 loads on the Applebee’s bitch the prior night. I had just blasted a load in the donut bitch’s mouth in my driveway. And here I am about to pop again. I know that I don’t have much left in me before I am going to have to take a nap, and I want a 3-way. So I put a stop to the foreplay with the donut bitch so I could go fetch the other bitch. She did not want to let me go, so I told her I had to go take a shit.
I got up and walked over to the bathroom door. My massive wang was leading the way. I lightly knocked on the door. No answer. I turned and looked at the donut bitch. She was just mindlessly looking at her fingernails. I tried the doorknob to the bathroom. It opened. It was dark inside. “Hello” I quietly spoke. Nothing. So I walked in and hit the light. It was empty! Nobody was in the bathroom!
I was like “What the fuck?!? Where is the Applebee’s bitch?!?” Then it came back to me: Pete tried to tell me something about the Applebee’s bitch but I was not listening to him. The gushing sound in my ears of the blood rushing out of my brain and into my cock was deafening in the moment. “I need to talk to Pete”, I said to myself.
I walked out of the bathroom. But before going out to talk to old Pete, I went back to bed and dumped a large protein shake down the donut bitch’s throat. “Be back in a minute, babe!”, I told her as I walked out the door to the living room, being sure to shut it behind me.
I walked over to Pete sitting on the couch. “Where’s the Applebee’s bitch?”, I asked. No answer. I noticed that Pete’s gaze was to south of the border. “Hey! Pete! Stop looking at my pecker!”, I commanded. Pete looked up and me and said “Dude! Put on some clothes!! You just walked out here bare-assed naked and swinging your huge schlong around!” I had to admit that Pete had a point, and that he was correct that I had committed a social faux pas. So I went back to my bedroom and threw on some pants and a tee shirt, told the donut bitch I would be right back, then went back to the living room.
Again standing in front of Pete I asked “Where’s the Applebee’s bitch?” Pete simply said “I took care of it. I replied, “What the fuck do you mean you took care of it?” Pete said “I got rid of the DNA. All of it.”
I asked Pete if he had killed the Applebee’s bitch. Pete simply said “No witnesses. No DNA.” He said it so calmly and coolly it was chilling. See, old Pete is a peculiar person. He acts dumber than a tree stump most of the time. But the fact is that he is not dumb at all. He is just wired differently from most of us. I pondered on this for a moment. Then I looked at old Pete and said “Good job, Pete”, to which he nodded.
I plopped down on the couch beside Pete. We sat there looking forward for a couple minutes. Then I said to Pete, “I guess we got some more DNA to clean up in the bedroom”. Pete looked at me and asked whether I was sure I was done with it. I said “Hell, I have been nutting up all night. I am dry and exhausted. So yeah, I’m done.” Then I looked over at old Pete and said “You can go hit it if you want. I have only dumped loads down her throat. Her cooter is clean.” Old Pete got a big old grin on his face. I told Pete to go on and have fun, I was going to take a nap on the couch because I was fucking exhausted.
Well, I woke up around 5:00 pm to the sound of Pete coming through my front door. I said “Damn, Pete, you should not have let me sleep so damn long”. Pete made a dismissive gesture with his right hand. He told me that he had already gotten rid of all the DNA and cleaned my house. “Shit, I would have helped you!”, I said. Pete said it was not a problem. “You needed the sleep, bro.”, Pete said.
Pete and I then said our goodbyes. He went on his way and I made some coffee. I eventually sat down in my chair in my den with my coffee, picked up my iPhone, and checked my emails. I saw the email from BC about the Bigfoot down in Macon County. Believing that this presented me with both a money-making opportunity and a chance to go shoot critters (both things I love to do), I kind of shrugged to myself and then dialed BC’s cell number.
BC picked up on the third ring. “Hello?”, it was BC’s voice on the line. I said “It’s The General. I received your email”. The voice on the other end of the line said “Hey General! Big Cock here!! Thanks for calling me back!! I got a job for you!”
I heard what sounded like a bitch voice in the background. I asked BC if he was in the middle of something. BC said “I’m just fucking this bitch. I can talk.” BC then proceeded to tell me the back story on the Macon County sasquatch. The heavy breathing and moaning on the other end of the line told me that BC continued to fuck his bitch as he told me the story.