Good nicknames for your phone signatures

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just wanted to write out what I'd been feeling and put it somewhere. I'm using a burner account, and no real names, I just needed to vent this somewhere
I dated my ex (I won't bother with names) for 4 years, and broke things off last summer. Like all relationships it was complicated, but now - nine months later - I still have no idea if I did the right thing, and am left feeling rudderless and adrift.
I'm 41, she's 32 - we met online four-ish years ago, immediately hit it off and started seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We started dating in Jan 2020 ... two months later, covid hit, and our entire state was essentially locked down. We went from dating to basically living together after two months - which, at the time, was great with me .. we were in love, and things seemed great. My parents split up when I was 19. In my 20's and early 30's, I'd made some bad choices with romantic partners - and chased after people who were emotionally unavailable, fundamentally. It took many years of therapy and introspection, but I had been actively making and effort to only date people I saw a real future with.
She (at 28) had never really dated anyone before. She explained she had some very severe trauma as a child, and coupled with abusive parents, she had never put herself out there really, and had focused on work, and fitness, and school. Her father had cheated on her mother when she was a child, and she knew about it (from a very young age). I heard all this, and tried to be as empathic and understanding and reassuring as I could -> after all, it wasn't anything she had done, and I thought she was a badass for overcoming that kind of abuse. We hit it off straight away, and seemed to have tons in common, and those first few months together were incredible. She still lived at home, with her parents - and for the duration of our relationship never moved out, or found her own space.
Things started to get strange when one day, I liked a female friend's post on Instagram ... this was someone I'd known for 5-6 years, and I was friends with long before I knew my gf. In retrospect, my friend's post was a bit thirsty .. your classic "I'm powerful, self possessed" look-at-me photos that showed a bit too much skin - and I should have just kept browsing, but I tapped 'like' (one of probably 20 posts I liked that day from all kinds of different friend) and moved on.
A few hours later, my gf called me, furious, and accused me of using her 'as a place holder' because - in her mind - I obviously REALLY wanted to be with this other friend of mine, and was using her. This came completely out of left field to me, and we had a 2-hour phone argument where I apologized, told her I'd remove the 'like', whatever she wanted. She kept circling back again and again that it was "totally normal" to go through a partners friend list / liked posts because "anyone can see them, they're public". We went back and forth, I was frantic and after we got off the phone, I went through my Instagram and basically purged any attractive female friend I had, and removed any likes I had to any post that might be weird or suspect. From them on I rarely used social media at all - but every few months my ex would find a new friend on my social media she didn't like, or suspected - even after I stopped interacting with social media at all.
This same sort of low-level suspicion persisted throughout our relationship. If I was looking at my phone, she wanted to know what I was reading, who I was talking to, etc. I have never cheated on a partner in my life, in fact I had been cheated on twice - so the sort of dull, constant suspicion really upset me - and after a while it almost felt like she was trying to manifest / discover some kind of secret infidelity. The tragic part is that we got along great otherwise, she loved my (male) friends, loved my family, and we had a relaxed and loving relationship besides occasional flare ups. But the suspicion never went away, or changed - and this sort of underlying insecurity was a constant background white noise of our relationship. She especially took a disliking to my roommates girlfriend, and made it a point to always talk about how much she disliked her, how they weren't going to last - etc (I can't say I blame her, the girl in question was not awesome .. but I never understood why his g/f should have such an outsized effect on our relationship). Despite all this, I thought she was an a kind, empathic, intelligent woman - and I saw a life with her, I saw starting a family with her - as real possiblities.
She grew very attached to my family, which also started to make me wonder what was going on. Many times, first thing in the morning, before coffee or anything else, she'd ask me "how's your mom? how's your dad?" - and would always want to know if she was 'still their favorite'. The first few times I thought it was charming - but it kept going on, to the point I had to push back and ask her "hey, please stop asking me first thing in the morning about the status of my family" ... for reference, I lived on the opposite side of the country from them, and would only get to see them for the holidays (which she was always invited to). I had a very challenging period of my life with my family, from 15-30 my family was fractured, my parents split up, it was messy ... but through years of effort, and time and patience forgiveness, I had built strong, loving relationships with both my parents individually, and my siblings besides. I sometimes got the sense that she even loved my family more than me, and that I was - weirdly - almost an obstacle between her and them. I told her as much, that sometimes I almost was jealous of how much she loved them, and wished that she could point that in my direction sometimes - knowing that they would be part of the package. She never did that same work with her own family - who were deeply dysfunctional, combative and sometimes outright hostile to one another. As crazy as it sounds, I often felt like she was almost trying to reap the rewards of the many years of hard work I had done - without an appreciation for how hard it had been to build new, adult relationships with my parents.
After a year and a half she found a new job, in a new industry, at a high profile company - and for the first six months she was there, she seemed to be able to manage the stress. I asked her if she wanted to maybe find a place together, to move in together for real ... but she kind of brushed it off. I would ask her again every few months, and would be met with the same sort of half-maybe-sorta-we'll-see ...
She suffered a major concussion two years into our relationship, which is when things really started to change. She never went to therapy, or saw a doctor to get treated ... and as the months went by, she became obsessed, almost addicted, to her job. It was all-consuming for her, and occupied all her thought and effort and time ... our relationship became an afterthought, and would mostly be relegated to her staying over (because my apt was closer to her office than her parent's house) - then me cooking her breakfast and seeing her off in the morning - and getting take out when she got back at night. She became more and more locked into her job, and our relationship became more and more platonic and less and less romantic / sexual... which is not uncommon when people are stressed out, or exhausted - but we couldn't seem to find time or space to fix what was happening. We talked, and communicated - but her reaction to stress was to go inside herself, and cut the world off -> and my stress reaction has often been the same.
We grew more and more distant over the next year, I also got a new job that ate up a ton of my time, so we would only see each other for an hour or two in the evenings, or on the weekends when we were up for it. I have a habit of pushing the people I care about away when I am not doing well emotionally .. it's the biggest recurring issue I've had in my life. I've been to therapy for it, and have ways to manage stress including meditation, exercise and a healthy diet - all of which allow me to function. But as the months went by, I got more and more stressed out as we became more distant - and I started to fall apart, and started to feel more and more alone and isolated. I'm sure I could have been better, or more attentive, or more patient ... and I in no way want to trying to pin any blame on her. After all, I'm just 1/2 of the relationship, and 1/2 of the story. After not seeing each other for a few weeks, I had to go out of town for a week for my job - to deal with a long and stressful convention ... and when I came back, we didn't see each other for another week.
I wanted her to come see me, but couldn't come out and say it ... I wanted her to intuit my needs, which she OF COURSE was not able to do. She wanted me to tell her I desperately wanted to see her, which she couldn't articulate because she wanted ME to intuit her needs ... and round and round it went. Lack of communication.
We did see each other eventually, what started as a small disagreement blew up. It started after my ex starting talking about my roommate's girlfriend, or she said something nasty about her. I was upset because we hadn't seen each other in weeks, why would this girl be the first thing on her mind? What about us? I totally overreacted and pushed her away - it was a long and stupid argument, where we both ended up dredging up things from months and years before .. we broke up, she left. In my self-righteous indignation, I felt justified in the moment ... but as the hours passed, and days passed, I was miserable and knew I had made a horrible mistake. My friends at the time told me I'd done the right thing, and that we had long standing issues that I had been mentioning throughout our relationship ... she liked her well enough, but wanted me to be happy, and told me that I had, ultimately, done what I thought was right at the time - and not to doubt myself. But I did, I got fully stuck in my head about it - and was desperate (yes, the D word) to try again.
Over the next few weeks she totally ignored me, wouldn't respond to my calls, or messages. I didn't expect her to - but I practically begged her to give it another chance with me. But she had totally shut down, and in her (later) words "she was never going to speak to me again." She did, eventually, after a few weeks, respond to me. We talked, I apologized, tried to explain that she was the world to me, and I knew I had made a massive mistake, and desperately wanted a chance to try again - to make things right.
She agreed, eventually. We met up for dinner, and slowly talked things out - I was still honestly pretty upset, but we kept seeing each other, started making it a point to go on dates, to get to know each other again. She believed I had cheated on her, that I had met another woman and that this had all been a pretext ... I caught her going through my phone after I got out of the shower. There was nothing to find, but I couldn't believe that she still, after years together, suspected I had been unfaithful to her. But that was just a bump in the road, we talked it out. Things seemed to be getting better. We shared an amazing thanksgiving together, and I genuinely felt like we had turned a corner and were as close as we had ever been ... so did she.
The next Monday, at work, she got another concussion - worse than the first. From this point on, her entire personality shifted ... Which I have learned, in the months that followed, is just something that can happen with head trauma. She didn't want to spend time together nearly as much, she fully retreated into herself, and her family. She wouldn't come visit at all anymore - even if I was willing to pick her up / drop her off ... she would only agree to meet for platonic dinners at a halfway point between our houses. She started seeing a doctor, a neurologist, doing PT work ... but she just kept seeming to get further and further away. If I invited her over, she was always want to know if my roomate's g/f "might" be there, or if we'd be alone ... and if there was even a chance this girl would be there (even though we could spend time in my room, or in the common living room without interference) - my ex would just stay home.
Six or seven months of this went by ... we kept sort of drifting apart, and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to communicate, or bridge the divide between us (which, to be honest, it felt like I was doing 3/4 of the work to keep this thing going) - we just kept drifting. After her second concussion, we stopped being intimate all together ... she was still convinced I had been with other women while we were apart, and demanded I get tested for STDs for her to trust me again. I let my pride get in the way, and should just have done it - but I had not been with or dated anyone else in the few weeks we were apart, and I couldn't get over that she still wouldn't trust me at my word.. after almost 4 years together, I still had to prove myself.
But I didn't, I was stubborn and dug my heels in - so our last potential shot at intimacy evaporated. We became basically platonic buddies ... we still loved each other, said we loved on another every day - but I always felt like I was chasing her, hoping for some kind of emotional connection or breakthrough or common ground that never manifested. By the time July rolled around, I was a total mess ... I felt completely alone, isolated, and like the person I knew and loved had drifted off, and there wasn't a way to get her back. For two months I said that I was really struggling, I was feeling really disconnected and that I missed her all the time - that I wanted to get back to baseline but didn't know how, and that I wanted her help or guidance. She said she felt like she was gradually getting back to where she started, but had no clear picture of how long that might take, and couldn't give me any kind of definitive answer if things would get better again - or how things might get better again.
It never happened. With another month-long work event looming on the horizon, and my stress levels climbing and climbing, I felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Eventually, after one of our platonic dates, I had a full on breakdown, and tearfully told her how isolated I was feeling, how I felt like I'd lost her, and how I felt totally clueless how to fix things. She had no ideas to offer, no guidance on how to navigate any of this, and no suggestions how to get back to some kind of baseline. It all poured out from both sides ... she didn't feel like she could trust me ever since we'd got back together, I felt like she neve really let me back in. But we both agreed that that one thanksgiving had been amazing ... and we wished we could find a way back to that place - but had no idea how.
I told her I needed a month, or two, I needed to start seeing a therapist, I needed to put myself back together because I felt like I was falling apart. I told her I wished that we could take a breathe - and come back on more solid footing because I had fucked up when I broke things off before. I had come back from a place of sadness and desperation - and had not given either of us a chance to heal before trying to undo the damage I'd caused. I wanted to meet her on even footing, from a place of mutual strength and try again ...
To her, this was just me breaking up with her again.. which I tried to say "no, I don't want to lose you, but I'm fucked up and need to just right the ship a bit in my life because I am totally losing it ..." But, sometimes it doesn't matter. To her, I was leaving her again, giving up. I had no idea if she'd speak to me again, but I felt so broken I didn't know what else to do.
I took two months, without contact, and started seeing a therapist, started exercising again, got through my hell-month at work. I tried reaching out again to her, multiple times after that ... but I never heard back. A few months went by - I missed her more and more, I didn't heal or get better, I didn't feel like I'd done the right thing. My friends told me I had, my family was supportive - my friends especially have told me time and time again that ultimately, I did the right thing, that I did what was right 'for me' ... but to me, the reassurance didn't matter. There was a giant, gaping hole in my life that I had no idea what to do with. This was a woman I had wanted to marry, that I had wanted to life with, to build and share a life with -> and at one point, I know she wanted the same. I felt so terrible, and couldn't handle the memories of the place I was in, that I resigned from my job (which was ok, it was a horrible grind, that while it paid ok, didn't have any kind of upward mobility) .. and after a lot of thought, I moved back across the country because it was too painful for me to be in that place, surrounded by the memories - living with the ghosts. My friend group had been slowly dispersing, getting new jobs in new cities, having kids and getting on with life - and I didn't see a reason to stay anymore. I debated reaching out to my ex to let her know I was moving - but it had been months without a word, she had not responded to any of my attempts to talk to her, to meet her even for coffee, or to return the few things of hers I still had - and I knew that if I did reach out - it would ultimately be a selfish act, hoping that somehow she might say 'oh no, he's leaving for good' ... so I didn't. I'm still not sure if she knows I left.
I've been saying with family, slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I'm taking classes, and plan on switching careers into a new field that I may actually am passionate about. I'll find my own place again in a month or two, but truth is I missed my family dearly, and have been helping both my aging parents with years of neglected repairs and yard work - and seeing my siblings and their families again after a decade of living on the opposite coast and getting to see them 'maybe' once a year around the holidays. Plus after paying insane rent to random landlords for over a decade, its been nice to have a few months of feeling grounded, and to put work into where I'm living. My family has been thrilled, and glad to have me around again.
But it's made no difference, really. I still think of her every day. Some days are easier than others, and I can manage to stay focused on classes and work and fitness - but in so many ways my life feels totally hollow now. I'm stuck wondering if I completely fucked up a good thing, and wasted what might have been my last shot at starting a family of my own, of having a real partner. I'm 41, realistically my chances get slimmer by the year. Or maybe I did totally the right thing, and I got out of a degenerating situation that had been nagging at me for months and months that something was deeply wrong. Or maybe it was somewhere in between those two poles. There's no way to know, and I'm limited to my own side, and my own perspective - and trapped in that middle ground of wondering how things "MIGHT" have gone had X Y or Z happened differently. I wish I had some kind of clarity, or certainty, but I don't.
I guess things are getting a bit easier, as the days and weeks and months go by - but its only by fractions of a degree. I miss her, or maybe just miss the person she used to be, if that person still exists. Head trauma is ... complicated - because the person looks the same, sounds the same ... but the person you knew, the person you fell in love with, isn't really the same person anymore. Its almost like, mourning the death of someone who is still alive, if that makes sense.
So here I am, taking it one day at a time, hoping for some brighter tomorrow, some slow healing or revelation or clarity that I did the right thing - but all I have are doubts. There's no closure to be found because all I ever got was silence. I've done everything people have recommended - focused on myself, focused on health and fitness, focus on learning new skills, on meeting new people, gone on dates, focused on family, focused on growing -> but it hasn't helped the giant, gaping hole in my life, and the never-ending uncertainty.
I expect no sympathy, or empathy ... and knowing reddit, I'll get a lot of people piling on to tell me what a piece of shit I am, lol'ing at how I fucked up my own life, and telling me she's better off without me. But then again sometimes even Reddit can surprise you with the insightful and thoughtful responses. More than anything, I just wanted to write this down somewhere, anywhere - to get it out of my head and my heart. Because the more it stews, the worse I feel. Thanks for reading, if you managed to make it this far.. its a long, messy, meandering story without any real ending. Will I hear from her again? Probably not. Will I get over her? Eventually I'm sure ... but what happens between now and then is anyone's guess. What ever it is, it'll happen on day, one moment at a time.
tldr; sometimes things just end - without someone cheating, or abusing the other person, or any real good way to sum it up. Life and relationships are long, complicated, nuanced and messy. Take care all, appreciate what you have while you have it, take it one day at a time

Hi all, I’m not new to anxiety and have experienced it since I was around 14. However I’ve never had a panic attack until a couple months ago (January). I got home from a long day and ended up going to my girlfriends parents house, to house sit for the night. I was sitting on the couch with her when I experienced a random chest pain (that has always happened, ever since I can remember) but this one was different because just a month prior my dad had a severe heart attack and that’s all I could think about. I freaked out and suffered my first panic attack, that one lasted around 5 hours fully before I was able to go to sleep. It wasn’t that bad but ever since I will get them. It doesn’t matter if I’m at home by myself, with family or even out in public. I now have a panic attack at least once every 2 weeks, they are mostly not a big deal and I have learned that playing games on my phone are a good way to distract myself. The other day however (Monday), I experienced a panic attack while out with my girlfriend and it was by far the worst one since. I got very nauseous, I wanted to puke and my whole body was just sweaty and tense. That one really sucked and put a lot of stress on my body to where I have been feeling off and tired since (it’s now Thursday). I know panic attacks make your body and brain tired but this is my first time ever feeling this way for so long after. I have been eating, hydrating and resting but it doesn’t seem to work. I am a fairly active male in my 20s and have never felt this drained and sort of brain foggy from anything before. I’m not any medications for it but would like to be on some in the future.
I would really appreciate any feedback that wouldn’t make me feel crazy for feeling so lethargic days after… or any advice on how you learned to cope with panic attacks after the first one.

I have moved to Pennsylvania last year and the only option was Comcast and so I decided to do the 400 Mbps play for only $35 which is really really good. The price is good and my internet speed is good, but the speed can fluctuate and go up and down. The only thing about Comcast is that they do snoop on your internet so you HAVE TO use a VPN. It's an absolute must.
So, earlier this week I was doing speed tests and all my devices got 80 Mbps (when I am paying for 400 Mbps mind you). I did some research and found that rebooting your router can actually refresh everything and bring the speed back. I have an $80 TP Link AC router which I am very satisfied with. When I rebooted/refreshed my router, the speeds I paid for came back. Then a couple hours later, I did a speed test on my laptop and I got 80 Mbps again and on my iPhone the 400 Mbps speed still remained the same. I run all of my tests without the VPN and with the VPN mind you, I get the same speeds whether I am using my VPN or not. I have Nord VPN and I have been very satisfied with it.
Anyway, the next day I did the speed tests again and all my devices were over 400 Mbps second. I then checked my email and Comcast said they gave me more speed as a courtesy. I am sorry for rambling here, but what the hell is going on ? I'm not complaining, but I don't know how this working. Why would some devices get low speeds sometimes and then the next day ALL devices get fast speeds ? Why did they give me faster speed after I rebooted my router ? Has anyone else had this happen to them ? I'm just curious about what the hell is going on.
Thanks for the help.

The "Hippie Trail" was an overland backpacking route that ran from Western Europe to India, Nepal and Thailand, travelled by thousands of people from North America and Western Europe from the mid-1950s until 1979, when the Islamic Revolution in Iran and the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.
Players would be in control of a party of travellers heading from the UK on this journey in a VW-type van, having to:

• Manage money - and exchange it!
• Make sure the members are fed, watered and healthy.
• Deal with the various requests from the party to go to various places or get certain souvenirs.
• Make sure there's enough petrol in the tank and the vehicle is in good condition, especially as garages get harder to come by going further east.
• Obtain visas and deal with bureaucrats, some of whom will want bribes.

The goal would be to get to Kathmandu with as many points as possible, based on:

• Souvenirs
• Money left
• Happiness of the party
• Other achievements.

You would travel between various cities along the way with multiple routes to choose. From example - do you do the direct and cheaper route through central Yugoslavia or the scenic route down the coast? Which way do you go through Türkiye?
Money could be made by:

• Working in bars or other places.
• Buying and selling goods across borders... including illegal ones. You run the risk of getting your vehicle searched at the border crossings.
• Completing various quests in the cities.
• Donating blood.

There would be dangers and challenges along the way like:

• Bandits, who you will have to deal with. Possibly in a minigame.
• Dangerous animals, like tigers and snakes.
• Road crashes,
• Someone having a bad reaction to some drugs,
• An argument with the locals that turns violent - and the police take their side!
• Someone insults the local dictator and gets arrested.
• A member ending up being wanted by the authorities. Do you hand them over or try to smuggle them out of the country?
• Being caught smuggling - can you get your party member out of prison?
• The weather - like being snowed in on an Afghan pass.
• Various diseases, including dysentery.
• A woman wants to you to help her escape an arranged marriage - what do you do?

You would also not have access to modern mobile phones - you'd need to find a telephone or post office to send telegrams.
Characters would not die, but they would be incapacitated enough for their adventure to end.
I am personally thinking this would look good in a pixel-art style, myself. I like the idea of a cute pixel youth hostel or Greek beach.

So there's always those posts about dealing with ADHD and programming and looking for ways to cope. I'd like to be at the other end. After struggling a bit, and a couple bad weeks in a row, I feel like I'm on the other side, coming out into the clearing and getting things done. I've tried using notebooks, mental lists, this app, that app, no apps... Nothing I tried stuck. Notebooks would run out of space. Pencils break, ink dries up in the pen. I really hate typing on my phone, and I don't type nearly as fast as I can think.
So for years, I'd be stressed, filled iwht anxiety, and forgetting things.
I've spend the last two months with Obisidian and the last couple of days expanding it with plugins. I have finally found the right combination. Out of the box, it instantly helped me. Being able to quickly get notes down, create daily task lists, notes, etc. Things started getting better. Then I found Daily Notes which automatically creates a new Daily Note file that I can start my day with. Then came Rollover Daily Todos which copies over any unfiished tasks from the previous day. Those two right there what I'd been largely missing. Today I found Tasks which can then mark things with Start, End, Due dates, as well as other notations that I could use - I can mark when a task was added, deleted, canceled and so on...
This week has been a dumpster file. Dealing with some issues surrounding problems that cropped up last week in production. Nothing disrupts me faster then when things get out of hand. I still get derailed, but at least now I am finding it easier to recorver and recenter myself. I take a deep breath, step away and grab somehting to drink, come back and immediately go to my list. Pick a task, doesn't matter which one it is, and start working it. This morning I had 4 items on my list. I added another 8. Now I'm looking at my list again at the end of the day, and I have 4 left undone. They will rollover to tomorrow when I log in. Three of them are from the original 4 this morning. But they are also the least important items on the list too.
Today was a good day. It didn't seem like it at the time. But now I can look back on it and see I got stuff done. I got stuff done that mattered. I had frustration, but no anxiety, I didn't feel like I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry. It's taken me a long time to find my mehtod, I think I finally found it. If you're out there struggling, you're not along. We all are to one degree or another. If you're out there looking for something to help. Do. Not. Stop. Keep trying. Keep tyring new things, different things, combination of things. Eventually you'll stumble on it. Never give up. Your method to the madness is out there. You'll find it. And when you do, it'll open up a new world. A better world.
Today was IS a good day.

5:36 PM Wed 5/8/24
Mood: Terrible
Title: Alone
Details: Last year I was told that there is a whole universe out there of people to find. And that I was being endlessly supported and that people were inspired by me.
This year I learned what it's like to be hunted and chased away from goodness. It has been the worst year of my entire life and with the knowledge that there is a whole universe out there--I feel lonelier than I was before.
Not a single person wants well for me. I have to translate my thoughts, behavior, intentions, symptoms, and soul to everyone.
There hasn't been a single rest from it in over 330 days. Just endless messes and ridicule and mocking and advances and terrorism.
I'm thought I was tired of people. But I walk outside and love them so much. I learned I'm not tired of people. But I'm so so so tired of loneliness.
Being around others doesn't stop you from being lonely. Because I'm still translating. My thoughts and feelings are still not reaching and the obvious signals I send to others are being deflected and mistranslated.
I'm tired of translating for to others. On paper it's so easy to understand a person. Watching it's easy to understand and to judge. But actually reacting appropriately to context and injustice and neurodivergence even is so lost to people.
This is why I wanted to write my story. Because people don't know how to cope. They don't know how to accept bad things. They don't know the difference between bad people and good people and even today our societies are too primitive to understand it.
They're still theororizing, contemplating, changing information for their gain...never have I seen any type of science be so abstractly and subjectively defiled as I've seen happen with mental health and neurodivergence.
People cannot separate the symptom from the person and punish and subjugate and continue to dominate those less fortunate.
I'm glad I know what happens to people they don't like. I know how dangerous people can be.
I wish I had someone to protect me. So I still find myself praying and wishing for one person. Just one person I don't have to translate myself to. Just one person I don't have to have grow tired of me. Just one person I don't have to compete with.
Growing up I was used to competing. Siblings, cousins, friends. In public AND private school there's always someone or something to compete. Today I compete with my parents and yesterday I compete with women who love the one I thought I loved.
I grew accustomed to hating my own birthday because of jealousy around it because my uncle was upset he shared it with my brother and I. And because I could never have it the way I enjoyed later. Too much. I'm too much. Too far. Too long. Too attention-seeking.
I had my chance as a teen with two friends so why isn't that enough for me? My parents were happy that I finally was taking a break from illness but since I got what I asked for then I'm a spoiled ass. As if they ever treated me better even then. Golden children are still abused even when the roles swap. Because no pleasantness is atrocious.
My family told me I was fat and going to get diabetes and have a heart attack and die despite never talking to me and being in high school--where weight isn't even done being "distributed" until your mid twenties. Thanks to the prime golden child my sister.
I'm tired of fighting and competing to be heard and to have needs met and to come across as kind or kinder. It's killing me.
Why can't I ever just be me?
Why can't I ever just be my authentic self? The one I want to be as a form of worship? Me in all my phases and feelings?
Why do I have to stuff myself down or look beautiful when I'm suffering in order to be a good and kind person worth saving?
I understand Nettle so much now. I wish I never did.
If I didn't have vocal fry would I be loved? If I didn't have fat would I be loved? If I didn't have brown or blonde hair would I be loved? If I forgave my parents and suffered quietly would I be loved?
If I had sweet doe eyes or a light mousy voice would someone finally think I had autism?
The ones I see on tiktok are drop dead gorgeous women with huge colorful lives and opportunities and get to complain about "pretty privelege"
Some have a light airiness to them that make them seem like fae.
And there's me who never fits anywhere or with anyone.
I have nothing and no one and absolutely no point.
I was okay before--before I had drive and passion to find my people. Before I had dreams of finding my way and accomplishing things. Before I had just one person.
It's so cruel. The people in this world are so cruel. I just want one person.
One person from God--and loving can be worship too. I'm too tired for much else.
Just one person to save me from their damnation that seems to last forever.
I'm so exhausted all the time.
My body hurts. My head hurts. My nerves feel like nothing.
I feel hopeless. Empty. I feel like the woman from my dream.
I feel betrayed--like others saw my future and pushed me into it head first with some kind of pre-revenge. Pinched. Twisted. Groped. Lost. Forced.
Called an attention whore. Gold digger.
I feel confused. People are trying desperately to make sure no one understands me.
I'm one girl. Against a whole universe and groups of people.
The emotional, psychological, and societal manipulation is obscure.
I keep reading revelations 2:24 to feel better.
It feels like Thyatira. I'm trying to hold fast to the idea that God may rescue me from whatever this is. A trial--make believe--experimentation--prisonment for knowing too much.
He asks we wait patiently for him to come and rescue us.
And many biblical figures had to wait for years and years. Upwards to like 100 if you were Abraham.
So while every day things feel like battle now, I am still trying.
I want to give myself OT and PT...I've done it for others so it can't be hard.
And with the flashbacks and emotional flashbacks and meltdowns and outbursts...I'm going to try treating myself for PTSD too.
Until I get the help I need somehow--I don't know what else to do.
I know others are tired of helping me. When you don't seem to receive pleasantness it's par for the course.
But I'm tired of competing for needs to be met. Can't everyone just work harder to understand bodies and minds and signals--then people would have their needs met and there'd be no need to compete.
I'm tired of fighting for myself. I'm tired of doing it alone.
I'm tired of being with others and doing it lonely.
The world isn't just crumbling due to climate change. Our minds are shifting and crumbling with it.
It makes sense. The weather affects people. Everyone I know is so tired. There's no way we are evolved enough to know God and be in his presence. There's no way we are advanced. Even this phone feels archaic to me--the programs we use feel archaic.
I understand now why capitalism is seen as demonic and evil. The control of drip marketing contents and technology is so slow and pointless.
Our resources are depleting. War is happening still. Communism wouldn't help either. It's the same song with a different tune.
I'll keep living because that's what he wants from people. I want to make God proud. I want people's lives to be easier.
I want people to stop competing and performing and wanting to die drenched in lies.
Maybe that's why it's a sin to lie. It halts evolution not just on others but yourself too. Living a lie halts growth.
It's difficult but Faith seems to be the part that is supposed to ground you in it. Like--I don't know WHY I can't lie in this situation but I have to be honest.
Anyways in these moments I wonder if philosophy and religion is a coping skill or a turning something bad into something good.
I guess I should just keep doing what I need to do and not what others want me to do.
It seems whenever I do what others want I suffer more than before.
I usually value collaboration. But when others Stop valuing it--then it's time for something to be done.
These people are messed up. They have no emotional retention. They have no ability to remember the things they do--Like it doesn't exist to them.
The heat, my hormones shifting, the trauma of seeing her again, and other things seemed to trigger a huge meltdown? Fight or flight? PTSD attack?
No wonder the woman from my dream was so empty--her body and mind have been through war and emotional, psychological, and spiritual survival.
I can only pray that I'm not chemically like a porn addicted person--I don't want to lose the idea that sex to me is love. After everything I mean.
I don't have the time in life to heal. There's so much I have to do and everyone still sees me as a wallet drainer and leech.
I don't trust anyone to help me. I don't trust anyone to love me. I don't trust love because it's not enough to make these other things go away.
I understand why people are calling for a civil war on the rich. And their help? To not be seen as bad people? Their help is "we will make others more like us!"
Natural selection affects them too.
Which is funny. They think they've escaped it ofc. I do think that people are right. Celebrities and other rich people aren't useful anymore.
They don't have much use anymore.
Anyways.
I feel lonely. I feel trauma everywhere. Like I've always been hit by a bus.
It's ironic I think--the "I wouldn't do it without a trained professional" people are so dangerous.
I did better without them...always.
It's hard not to hate life.
I always have to compete for needs and wants and sacrafice them.
For siblings, friends, lovers, parents, students, strangers, buyers, consumers, voices...
I sacrafice for these people to have better all the time. I don't have the energy to do anything else. I don't have anything else to provide but what I can scrounge up and then hand off or step aside.
I just want someone.
Someone who knows and loves me and understands me in full.
I can't let these people take away my voice or my story or my dreams for myself when they're already so blessed.
Only those well off say "you should be grateful"
What you did to survive and achieve versus what I did will never be the same.
So I'll hopefully find a way. To let my future husband be able to comfort me and know me in full after this whole experience. I'll find a way for him to know every page in my story and leaf through and bookmark his favorites.
Who in the universe would take away that from their victims so easily? That they could just have one?
These people can be vampires.
I get tired--I fall asleep--they suck the energy out of me.
They leave all their bad thoughts behind.
The world needs a miracle.
Activities: Food Sleep Screens
Emotions: Hurt Overwhelmed Confused Lonely Stressed Empty Hopeless
Unhelpful Thought: I'll never be well. No one will ever understand me. No one does. I'm alone. I'm always alone and I'll always be alone. People will only ever take from me or use me. People want me to die. My parents want me to die. I end up believing them and wanting it too.
I'll never have a life. I'll never have my own life. I'll never be me. I'll never be free.
Cognitive Distortions: Fortune-telling Self-blaming
Challenge: I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry that you've been through so much trauma in such little time. I'm so sorry you have to fight to comfort yourself and your fight response has increased so astronomically.
It must be scary to have to use it. It must be scary to never know when the pain will stop or when they will cause your attacks to start.
I don't know much about PTSD but considering the flashbacks and how even in moments for you they violate every piece of you--it only makes sense that you have resorted to fighting. I'm sorry you're body has to respond so uncomfortably and abnormally.
But try to remember that these are all normal responses to the abnormal. Your body is scared and terrified and it's been 330 days of exhaustion. The fatigue makes sense. The survival instincts makes sense. Your body and brain are working so hard for you so you can keep loving one day when the trauma responses ebb away.
There's no cure that I know of for these ailments. PTSD, depression, SAD, anxieties, potential autism. All these comorbidities must be eating away at you. The fact that they keep triggering you doesn't help either.
I'm sorry they push you. I'm sorry you've been through rape. I'm sorry you can barely pick up the pieces before they hurt you again.
I'm sorry I have to be the one to apologize to you for everything that's happened and still happens. I'm sorry they abuse you as you try to write and don't listen to no or clear boundaries.
The only advice I can think to give so you may have peace in these moments is to stop saving them. Let the bad continue to do bad. Let the Rapists continue to be Rapists. Do not work to absolve them of anything or bring good from their lives.
They're learning how to hurt you in different ways instead. They're recruiting new people late to everything instead.
Teeny tiny Tina, I'm still working so hard for you to be loved. I'm working so hard for you to stay safe. For you and I to stop fighting.
For you and I to stop freezing and being abused and for them to push you your fight responses and fear of your own body.
I'm sorry they tell you it's demons. When it's her. I'm sorry she won't leave you alone. I'm sorry she and others won't have boundaries with you.
I'm sorry they use you to teach her what her Delusions look like in another person because she forgets to be a human in others bodies and can't let her ego go.
I'm sorry they drug you so she can be comforted.
I'm sorry they don't know what you are going through. When I write as if I'm not you I can't imagine this pain.
I hope one day you are safe and rescued. I hope one day you find someone who will save you from her and them and the ones who abuse you.
I know my hopes are meaningless and that under normal circumstances when you are only you--I can always write meaningful advice without resorting to vapid generics.
I hope that one day you can be enough for yourself again.
I hope they don't bleed you dry. Don't kill yourself no matter what they say and do and feed on altruistic notions.
It's a complete mind fuck. The support needs to come from you. When they do it--don't believe them.
May you find peace Tina.
Alternative Thought: You will be saved. You will find help. Normal people know that it's wrong. These stars are illusions.
Normal people can help better. Find a community that can give you a break and accept you. That won't let your mind fall apart.
Don't let their ironic wishes for you give you peace. Don't let it give THEM peace. They don't mean it they just want it to be them.
Do not be like them. Do not live a lie. Address your hatred front on. Address why you hate front on so you may be free from it.
Do not be like them. Keep the bible in mind but please be who you want to be--which is exactly how God created and therefore called you to be.
Your calling is to heal and fight hatred for now.
Your calling is to find safety. May the lord bear you on eagles wings.
You do not have religious psychosis. You need to keep remembering who the fuck you are.
You are too smart for your own good. You are too self sacrificing for your own good. You see the bad in the good for people to address and attack and heal. You are kind when not under duress. You have illness. You need diagnosis. You have had terrible things happen. Surreal and awful. You always find a way to make things right. You always grow and evolve and change. You are you and others will not visibly see it.
Keep your self grounding mindfulness. Mindfulness is not oppression. It's a tool for a single person. Yourself. Not others.
Keep steady. Take a walk. Do something new. Discover something. Don't just stay in your mind doing it all there.
You need stimulation. You may be close to the end of figuring what you need to figure out out.
Then look at these thoughts and see how little and small they are in comparison to who you are and how you faced them. You are always seeking to heal and retain your values. That dualism and unobstructed steadfastness is your namesake.
It's in your birthday, your name, your experiences, your ring, your prayers, your loves, your hates, your stories, and every part of you.
You can never not be you. Except when your free will is in the hands of another.
Keep fighting for peace. Write and draw and explore within your means. Your life may seem so small but the meaning you have, the blessings God gave you to remember, the irreplaceable meaning everywhere is a gift from him.
And with this you never stop creating. Up and down. Up and down. If David in all his emotional complexities is a "man after God's own heart" then allow yourself to fall and thank God for his discipline.
He corrects those he accepts. He shows the wisdom of it to those he loves.
Keep his ever present and obvious love for you in your heart.
And even though you think Jonah is so funny, please allow yourself to give "testimony" one day and ask people to repent and show them God's love. Be unashamed. Be devoted. Be passionate. Don't let others kill your fire.
You know what it's like. You know what thoughts come from these terrible scenarios. You know how badly you want saving.
Others do too.
Show people that God's love IS unconditional. And learn and translate and write.
Translate God's Holy Spirit and intentions and goals to others.
He will bless you. He is pursuing your heart.
Remember how small the flaws are in others in comparison to them. How little it means for them to dislike what you do or help the opposing neighbor.
You are admired. And sometimes admiration turns bad and becomes jealousy.
You are very lonely. And you have learned ways to find yourself in all the versions of loneliness there are.
You are used. You are abused.
And that story lives and cannot be erased no matter how hard they try. Eternity is the sock that fell from their push. It feels so inescapable.
Your healing and self growth is awkward.
But you can still live. And you love others enough to be awkward with them.
Let yourself remember that this means that you love yourself to be awkward with yourself and allow it.
In that way you have already broken one cycle. That people need to see you in good perfect ways in order to have even self love.
You are strong. You are so passionate. And still while moored and mired in guck and hatred you still do everything out of love.
For yourself and others.
Your own body even is reflecting that incredibly. Your brain doesn't WANT to give up. It wants to fight, to survive, to fawn, to freeze.
Your brain and body is fighting for your love. Your self love and your future love and your love for others.
It's natural to feel this exhaustion after it all.
Tell yourself a new fortune too. A new self attribution. Balance it out.
You're going to always have love. It's in all your cells and the things you touch.
When you drop what you like and feel pain--however small--that tiny regret is love.
Your love is worth it. Your drive to be well is always worth it.
We are adapting. Love yourself enough to be awkward with it. It will feel really big and like the world is ending because it's the first time you've felt these ways.
God bless you.

Dealing with the mother in law is hard enough, but can you imagine if you also need to deal with his sisters?
His oldest sister is living next door with her husband and her parent in laws. Her husband has a little bro. According to what she said, the brother is spoiled by the parents and she dislike him. Therefore, her front door uses key because she doesn’t want the brother to come so easily and so often. But our front door uses passcode, and she came over to our house every weekends at that time. She stayed the whole day in our house on weekends.
My husbands father has diabetes and needs kidney dialysis. Most of the time, his second sis is the one who took him to the doctor or hospital. But she needs to work, so my husband also needs to help from time to time. However, whenever they ask the oldest sis to help with the dad, she would say, I am married out already. In my memory, she seldom took the dad to the doctor or the kidney dialysis. I am not good at driving, and was pregnant at that time, I picked his dad up from the hospital once (what is ironic here is that his second sis thought it was their oldest sis picked them up from the hospital even though she is the one also complained the biggest never helped), helped his second sis to send his dad to the kidney dialysis ( because she needs people to help the dad get out or in the car), and helped with translation for his dad’s physical therapy when his second sis was not available. In January of 2021, his dad’s situation is very bad and the nurse asked them to make a decision if the hospital should save his life if ….. the chance is only 50/50, and even though he was saved, he would have to do kidney dialysis for the rest of his life, and he also would have to have his leg amputation. Considering his life quality and the care taking part, his mom and second sis agreed to let him passed away naturally if that really happens. My husband had a hard time making the decisions. The oldest sister kept crying over there, and said we should not give up his life. Suddenly, she turned to me and asked about my opinion. Then I expressed my opinion, if you guys decide to save his life then you guys should share the responsibility of taking care of him and help with doctor visit and kidney dialysis, but you guys also need to think about his life quality and the fact that he would lose his legs. His second sis agreed with what I said, and my husband agreed with his mum and second sis at the end The oldest sis also agreed with then after her husband s persuasion. After his dad passed away, the oldest sis is the one cried the hardest, and the mum told one of their aunt on the phone how sad the oldest daughter is, and asked her not to cry so much, otherwise her health might be affected. Mam, you should show your love and contribute more to your father when he s still alive.
After I had my first kid, especially my relationship with my mother in law was like freezing at that time, my husband and I would go to visit my parents every weekend, one reason is that I could escape that prison like house, the other reason is that my parents could help me with the baby there so that I can rest a little bit. However, I accidentally found out she complained to my husband about me in the message why I always showed them bitchy face at home and why would I go back to my parents house every weekend. But the fact is she came over to our house more often when their dad’s situation was bad. And after the dad passed away, she still came over very often, which lead to her mother in law yelling at her at one time(when her father in law was in hospital because of Covid), saying no daughter in law would go back to her mums house so frequently. She’s lucky to have her husband to back her up by then. And she came over to our house to complained about it, and said I was married to her son but not selling myself to his family. My mother in law told her to keep quiet then the situation would become better.
Talking about the message, how I found out she bitched about me and my family is also very interesting. Thats like when my son was like about 8 months old, my husband told me to let his mum to watch the baby a little bit and would go grocery shopping with me after that meeting. I was waiting for my husband in his office room, and his mom was holding the baby to nap. I left my phone in the living room, so I played with my husband s phone. I accidentally went to the message, and saw that the last msg his oldest sis said is if you go bankrupt don’t expect me to help you. I was wondering what would make her say this. Then I went into their msg. The first time I found out that actually she had so many complaints about my family and me. So my husband got my dad a free tablet through promotion and he shipped it to our house for setup. She saw that package with my dad’s name on it. Second sis said it might be sending here for set up. In the text she told my husband that she wanted to get a tablet and ask for suggestion. My husband asked why would u need that, you don’t use that. Then she said is this your father in law s Xmas gift? My husband explained that’s through a promotion, not he buying it. Then she said, I guess he would not get a Christmas gift since you already got him a house! lol my dad paid half of that retirement house. And because my sis and I could not get a good rate, my husband said he could help, but my sis s side will be responsible for half of the mortgage. My husband s name is also on that title! How come this house would become my dad’s Christmas gift? And in the message, she also said she s not as lucky as me, no need to wash dishes at home. But the fact is I am the one who cooked most in our house and did most of the dish cleaning before my baby came out, I am the one who cleaned the house all the time. I didn’t do so many dishes wash after the baby was born because I needed to take care of the baby and power pump is very exhausting for me at that time. For her, she doesn’t cook much at her house, because either her father in law cook or the parent in laws bring food home when they are off work or her mum would cook and ask the second sis to bring food over! And her parents in laws would clean the whole house every Wednesday at that time! Reading this I felt super angry, my face was burning and my heart was about to jump out of my breast! I directly replied bitch to her! I hung up on her when she called my husband s phone. After my husband finished the meeting , I said, “ u r in trouble now, because I just called your sis bitch!” She called my mother in law saying the brother curse her. And MIL came knocking at the door, disregarding if my husband is still in the meeting or my son was napping in her arm. She asked my husband why cursed his sis! I couldn’t stand any more, then I exploded, and questioned her why every time you defend your daughter no matter shes right or not. Do you know what she said about my parents and me in the message. I also directly called her bitch and claimed that it's her who kicked my mom out of our house when she was here to help me! That became a big arguement and I took my son back to my parents house right after the arguement.
Because of my husband, I tried to fix the relationship after half a year, and we had our own house as well.
However, just two days ago (5/14), his oldest sis called him around 10:30pm using second sis s phone because her husband got her a new phone and would like my husband to set it up for her. Her old phone is still usable, why the new phone must be set up now? And my husband is wondering why she’s not using the her husband’s phone to call but second sister’s phone. My husband went to check and found out she moved into our house, where his mom and second sis are living, with her 18 month son . And He traced that she was living there since 3/16. Not sure about exactly when as the history can only go back to two or three months. My husband and his second sis are the owners, and my husband is helping paying the mortgage ( before we moved out, he is the only one paying the mortgage). Why no one telling us about her move in. And we are sure she has no issue with her husband and parents in law because the husband just bought her the new iPhone and she s living in our house on weekdays, but on weekends she would go back to her own house. How hypocritical it is! When my son was about 8 months old she complained we went back to my parents house every weekend. But now she moved into our house even though her house is next door !!! My husband called the second sis and told her about this, expressed his disappointment about not letting him knowing this, telling her this whole shit is basically slapping my face. And also told them we are going to cancel NC trip. BTW, the oldest sister texted my husband asked him to go back to our house help clean the doggie this week, before the NC trip. Why the heck you live there , eat there, free baby sitter there, you can’t clean the dog with your sister?!!!

I AM NOT OOP. OOP is u/ReverendMuddyGrimes
Originally posted on relationships
2 updates – short
Content warning: drug and alcohol abuse, waste of questionable origin
Original post - October 7th, 2023
Update 1 - March 17th, 2024
Update 2 - May 15th, 2024
Sister-in-law told me my wife cheated while on vacation
The players in this drama. My wife who for the purpose of this post shall be called Anne (female 47). My sister-in-law (female 40) who we shall call Shannon. SIL's cheating partner (male mid 40s) known hereafter as Tony. And myself (male, so close to 50 that I can reach out and slap it). We shall refer to me as "me". Usual disclaimers of cell phone and English is my first language, I just suck at it. So my wife had to travel to her step father's house. He is in very poor health, and she went there to help set up home heath. She was there for a week, and we were in constant contact. Her sister is a drunk and a drug addict. At several points during the visit, we were on video chat when "Shannon" came into the room where my wife and her father were. She was buck ass naked, raging drunk. In front of her father. I was mortified, and I'm sure he was too. Now "Shannon" is married, but separated. She has a live in boyfriend. "Tony" is my father-in-law's primary care giver. For the flight home, "Anne" missed her flight. "Tony" was driving her to the airport. There was an unusual amount of road construction, and they arrived late. She had to take a different flight. Not a big deal. After she was home for a few days, the following text exchange happened between me and Shannon. Shannon: they fucked. Me: who, and did you film it? We could make a fortune on pornhub! Shannon: I saw him leaving her room and smiling. You know she didn't miss her flight! He ain't denying it. Me: well, if they did, he's the luckiest man alive.
Now guys, I know that I have a better chance of creating a fart powered personal jet than this story has of being true. It's just not in her nature. That said, damn that woman to the depths of Detroit's South side for putting the idea in my head.
So, the question: how do I deal with a crazy drunk 80lb woman from 1000 miles away. I can't block her, because the rest of her family has. If something happens to the father-in-law while Tony is at work, I'm the only one she can contact.
Tldr: drunk SIL claims wife cheated. She didn't. I have to decide how to deal with her.
Comments
Indianblanket
Tell Tony you are blocking Shannon and to please contact you directly with any updates he receives from Shannon while he's at work.
Block Shannon.
Call Dad daily.
EdgeCityRed
Yeah, I had a former friend like Shannon: a heavy drinker, mental issues (no offense intended to people dealing with mental issues, but this was the main factor in that case), major liar who'd fixate on specific things to lie about.
I did block this person in every conceivable way but I can't think of anything else to do in your situation but ignore the behavior since you have to be in contact. OR, you and your wife could just talk to Tony about the father-in-law with the understanding that if Tony quits being the caregiver or breaks up with Shannon, he passes your contact info to the next caregiver. If something happens when Tony is at work, he'd still probably know before you.
Anyway, you have nothing to worry about with the wife anyway; you're too funny to dump.
\too funny to dump. I have a host of exes that would strongly disagree. Unless you meant funny looking. Then, they would come down solidly on your side*
Update 1
Several months ago my drunk of a SIL (f-40) told me (m-50) that my wife of 12 years (f-47) cheated on me while setting her her step dad's home health in Detroit. I, of course, didn't believe her. A lot has happened since then. First, we all went up for Christmas. While we were there, SIL (I called her Shannon in the original post) stormed in and claimed that my wife was having sex with her boyfriend "Tony" on the front porch. Two problems with that. 1) It's Detroit in December so it's cold as a well digger's ass outside. 2) my wife is in the chair next to mine. SIL ended up assaulting Tony right after I returned home. She ended up in jail where she was placed on a 3 day psych hold. Apparently being a drunken meth addict makes you crazy. Who knew? Mid January, my father-in-law passed away. This sent SIL into a spiral. Especially when she found out that she couldn't stay in the family home anymore as it had to be sold. She was given $35,000 from her father's retirement to get a new place and hold her over until the sale of the house. My wife and I drove up to prepare the house to go on the market. Y'all, I've been in nasty houses before, but not like this. My father-in-law kept this place immaculate. Now, in just 2 months, it qualifies for an episode of Hoarders. There is dog crap halfway up the walls in the den. I didn't even know dogs could poop that high! There were several empty bottles of $350 tequila in the living room. We figure that she will have drank her entire inheritance in six months. We had to rent a dumpster for me to shovel all of her garbage in to. Obviously, I changed the locks and garage door codes. Im a career garage door installer, so that part was easily done. Even more obviously, all those people who responded to the original post that my wife cheated were VERY wrong. Edit: the dog is a chihuahua. We assume that it did it's doggie business off the back of the couch, since we had to move the couch to find what was causing the smell. We can't take the dog because SIL refuses to see us. TLDR, Wife, who I knew didn't cheat even though her sister claimed she did, was exonerated because her sister is batshit crazy from meth and alcohol.
Comments
Scarletnightingale
Sir, given that she is an alcoholic with a meth addiction, I would assume that that was not dog poop on the walls. Alcoholics tend to have issues with their digestive system and meth and alcohol mess with judgement and a person caring of they pooped on the wall.
Good luck with the house, and I'm sorry that your SIL is making things so much more difficult for you during the loss of your wife's father.
Elfich47 If she making meth in the house, you may need a decon team to clean the site up.
She doesn't make it, just uses. We know this by the amount of dealers that FIL had to chase off
Update 2
I mentioned in my last post that my Father-in-law passed away. From insurance and his retirement both of his daughters received $104k before taxes. We paid our taxes up front leaving us just over $80k. We really don't have much debt, so we put it all on our house. My SIL however chose to accept a lump sum. In the update, when she had gotten the first installment of $35k, I said she would have drank it all in 6 months. Apparently I am a very optimistic man. She has drank,shot up, and snorted the entire $104k in less than 3 months. Through most of the high times, she sent my wife incredibly awful texts claiming that her dad never loved her. Technically it was my wife's step-dad. One of the claims made was that if he loved her he would have adopted her. SIL was too young to remember, but he did try. Her birth father wouldn't sign off on it. Anyway, she is out of money. My wife is getting around a dozen slurred phone calls a day begging her to let SIL sleep on our couch. That is a giant HELL NO from us. We expect to hear any day that she has been found dead.
TLDR: SIL blew her entire inheritance on drugs and alcohol. Now after insulting my wife for months, wants to live with us.
Comments
crom_77
Sounds like you have a head on your shoulders. SIL sounds like a nightmare. Money can wreck a family if it's not handled carefully, I've seen it happen several times. People live like there's going to be a big payout at the end, or like they deserve something.
HuntEnvironmental863
Do you think in 3 months OP will be back on here cause Anne took the 80k and ran off with Tony?
80k is gone. It went on our mortgage. As for Tony, he disappeared when the SIL ran out of money.
Marked as concluded per OOP.
No brigading, no harassment.

Hey guys. So I've been attending the job centre for 2 months now. Last month I got a job as a personal banker and they said it would take a few weeks to complete checks due to strict due-diligence requirements in the financial industry. There has been a delay issue with references as my previous job was freelance - so I have not started yet. However, since I was offered a job, my main work coach (great guy) said that i only need to attend weekly meetings via phone call. So, yesterday at my weekly meeting via phone, i had a different work coach to my main one. She was rude, demeaning, investigative, dismissive and made underhanded comments during the call. Think she was skeptical I got a job. Until now I had a mostly positive view of the jobcentre. She has really spoilt it. I thought people talking of cr*ppy job coaches were lazy complainers. Weirdly, despite her NOT BEING MY MAIN WORK COACH, she has forced me back into in-person job centre meetings. When i told her that my main work coach said im allowed only phone appointments, I believe she lied, claiming that "there are none" and then also made up other excuses like "you have not started your job, so why cant you attend in person?". Worst of all my next in-person meeting next Wednesday is with her :( . I really don't want to ever have to go through the process of speaking to her ever again.
The good news is shortly after yesterdays negative jobcentre call, my workplace called and said that they wont need a reference from a previous employer and just some screenshots of my profile on the freelance platform i worked on and they will accept a reference-exception. They also invited me to take my passport to their HQ for a 'Right to work' check at any time of my choosing. Although I have left a message in my journal asking for my next appointment to be changed to phone only and explained my issues, they never check my journal appointment requests. Called the UC helpline and they also told me to complain and request a meeting change under "service issues" , as its apparently more likely that they will reply.
So. That comes to my main question, How do i get out of meeting her? and ideally going back to phone meetings? if the journal thing doesn't work. I really don't wanna meet that work coach again or attend the job centre again. If I chose to not attend next weeks meeting and instead go to my new workplace for the 'right to work' check at the JC meeting time, would that save me from a sanction? I will almost certainly start work before two weeks time, so wont have to worry about meeting her again or having to go to the damn job centre again. Thanks!

So this was in November 2023 and due to my wack ass immune system, I (15M) had gotten myself extremely sick to the point where I was vomiting almost every time I'd eat. And my body has a way of cascading things like this, so I it was no surprise when I started sickling.
I'm laying in bed, nauseous and in pain, just praying for the oxy to kick in so I can fall asleep and not deal with this hell anymore when this sharp pain starts stabbing me in my chest and I feel like I'm literally DYING. This pain I was feeling in that moment was worse than any sickle cell crisis I've ever had and I just assumed the jig was up and organ failure was imminent.
I couldn't get up from where I was laying (my mom's bed) because of the severe pain so I'm just crying so loudly and my mom wakes up annoyed and tells me to lay on my back and go back to bed but as i shift over a wave of nausea crashes over me and i begin vomiting all over my mom and her bed (woops).
Fully awake and freaking out by this point my mom picks up her phone and dials 911 for an ambulance to get me and I'm just crying like a little baby now in a pile of my own bile (too scared to eat anything because I didn't wanna barf) praying for the ambulance to get here. And after what only felt like 5 minutes, my mom runs to the front door to open it for the paramedics who lay me onto the stretcher and give me this drug I'm in too much pain to notice.
And then it calms me down. A lot. So much so that it feels like whenever I breathe, I'm breathing out all the air in my lungs and taking my first breath again like I've just been born. I vaguely feel the pain in my chest but my mind is so empty I cant even bother to think about it. I take a few deep blinks and then wake up in the ER with my mom sleeping in the chair beside my bed.
After this, it becomes a cycle of them giving me medicine, the pain subsides somewhat, and then the medicine wears off and my chest feels like it's getting knifed by a million UK roadmen. They start me off with morphine, and that doesn't do the job like it usually does, so then they give me Dilaudid AND morphine, and still yet I feel like the end is near. So they decide to pull out the big guns that worked on me when I was in the ambulance. Fentanyl.
Initially I was very skeptic and lowkey refusing treatment because of the stigma around it and the doctors reassured me over and over that it was safe and I had been given it before and blah blah blah even though these were the same doctors that would ask me how long I've had sickle cell for. But I was in so much pain that I just gave up and gave in and gave them the a-ok because their nagging was just too much.
They set me up with this little green button thing attached to my IV, that would allow me to press it whenever I felt severe and constant pain but would not allow me to exceed the "maximum dosage" they had put in place for my body. And to be completely honest this little button scared me at first. The entirety of my night nurses shift I didn't press the button once and just writhed there in the cold hospital bed because I'd rather die than willingly administer my own fentanyl.
But I wouldn't even be typing this story if I simply just hadn't pressed the button for the entire duration of my stay. It was now day 3 in the hospital and I hadn't got a single wink of sleep in the past 32 hours so I decided to press the button. It didn't hit me like it had in the ambulance, but when i tell you i relaxed, i RELAXED. I was finally able to shut my eyes and go to bed and stop myself from shaking my leg (self soothing thing I do when in pain). I woke back up to my nurse doing my 8 hour check up and for some reason, she was still bringing me morphine and Dilaudid despite me having the fentanyl push button thingy, but I was so out of it I just took the medicine so I could go back to sleep. It became I cycle of me pushing the button, falling asleep, being woken up to take additional opiates i did NOT need, then going back to bed, until early on day 5 in the hospital, my friends from school came to visit me. So obviously I try to be a good host and not to fall asleep despite me having pushed my button already for more fent (clearly addicted but oblivious because of this phantom pain my body is forcing me to experience) and coincidentally as my friends are still here, my nurse comes in for the 8 hour check up and gives me the Dilaudid and morphine again. I take the medicine and I look down at my green button because I'm not sure i've been awake this long in days and I see its glowing again so I press it.
bad idea.
I'm talking to my friends but something seems off, their voices seem so far away and there is black dots clouding my vision, I of course am so out of it that I somehow don't see any issue with these two things until I realized I hadn't said a word in like 2 minutes. Matter of fact, I hadn't even spoken for 2 minutes. My eyes go wide because I can feel my vision fading, but for some odd reason it was all black except a tiny pinhole in the center of my vision. I hear this faraway annoying beeping that I realize is the pulse-ox thing going kookoo bananas because I haven't breathed in so long and I see shapes moving around and my friends running to the hallway to get me help and all I can focus on is "If I'm not breathing, why doesn't it hurt?"
The nurses rush in and can clearly tell I'm overdosing so they put an oxygen mask over my head and say "Can somebody give him some Narcan?" and I'm laying here spectating what's going on to my own body from inside of my head wondering "I wonder what narcan is"
WELL I SURE KNOW NOW
The nurses push the Narcan in through my oxygen mask and I can suddenly hear everything perfectly. I say "woah" and then my entire body gets a flash of heat all over so I jolt up and say "WOAH" again and I look to the left to see like 6 nurses with 3 of them doing something with my arm that I obviously just messed up. But then the heat is gone, replaced by this freezing cold feeling all over and INSIDE my body. I can feel every one of my organs touching each other and they all feel cold and I just feel nauseous. By this point i was just in agony. It wasn't like any pain I've ever felt before I felt like not only was I gonna die, but it was gonna be painful and I'd feel each individual organ dying from inside my body because of how hypersensitive I was to everything around me. I could feel the scratchy hospital blanket and the way the grip of the hospital sock felt against the bed and it was all just too much for me and my head cocked straight up and i began vomiting so much liquid it was scary to watch. Feeling each chunk of food run down my throat was a sensory nightmare and it caused me to KEEP VOMITING and every time I'd move one of my limbs, it would completely jerk itself all the way to a full extended position which would shake my body and all my senses would be on fire and I'd cock my head back and continue vomiting. This was a pediatric hospital so the nurses had never dealt with anything this severe before so they were all just freaking out because I was actually tweaking so hard and I had knocked over everything they had put on my bed to help me. In addition to all this mess, I'd torn out my IV and started bleeding all over the sheets and the smell of barf mixed with blood was just such a strong smell I had continued barfing onto myself. My entire being felt cold inside and out so I was trying profusely to wrap myself in a cocoon but the nurses were so fixated on my blanket being covered in vomit and me like "contaminating myself" but I did not give a single fuck bro I was in so much pain and was so cold the only thought on my mind was the fetal position, and a cocoon. two nurses jammed those tubes that they have at the dentists office to suck your saliva down my throat so I didn't continue choking on my vomit, while the other 4 removed the fitted sheet from the bed trying their best not to interfere with my tweakage.
After they removed the sheet I had laid down and then I felt my organs shift in my body so I began vomiting again because anytime I sensed a new sensation, the big kahuna of nausea would hit me. I threw up onto the plasticky cover that goes over the mattress of the hospital bed but at this point there was only like so much left to throw up so a nurse wiped it away with an alcohol wipe. And the SMELL of that wipe gave me such sensory overload that I began crying to the point of basically screaming. As I shut my eyes really hard praying I'd fall asleep and escape the pain and coldness of my insides.
And the weird thing about all this is, I was there the whole time, y'know? Like I felt perfectly conscious throughout the entire process of being Narc'ed. I had no control over my body and anything I did, it just felt instinctual and had no thought behind it, but I was still actively thinking throughout all of it. I felt shame, embarresement, surprise, all like I was watching a movie. Except it was one of those 4D movie theaters where you can feel whatever is happening on screen, but not control it.
Eventually sleep overcame me and I woke up in the ICU with like 40 million wires attached to me a heating pack over my belly, and these bags around my legs that would inflate and deflate over and over. And all I could think in my head, was thank GOD it was over.
I had ended up getting myself a bone eating staph infection because some of my vomit got into the IV hole I'd torn out (I see why there were trying to take the blanket off) and ended up having to stay in the hospital for 10 more days so they could give me heavy antibiotics,, and had to do an additional 5 days at home self administering the medicine through a PIC line that went all the way from my wrist into my heart (it was so gross because they kept me awake while they removed it and it felt so weird).
A few weeks later the hospital called us back and apologized but they were using so much avoidant language and deflecting blame off of themselves so hard that it was pathetic to watch. Like you gave a 15 year old kid fentanyl through a SELF REGULATED SYSTEM and didn't expect the worst? Especially since I was being given Dilaudid and morphine on top of the fent? Get out my face with that smh.

Hi guys wondering how long to wait until i set up a definite date and time?
I got a girls number after bumping into her and having a quick conversation. I recognised her and she came up to me and said hello. Turns out we knew each other from school over 10 years ago but we didn't interact much then.
She was really talkative straight away and we hit it off, telling me all sorts like where she's living, what her parents are doing, what she's up to now and a butnof her back story etc. I told her I was a Copywriter for a career.
After about 5 minutes I trusted my gut and said "well it's good to see you anyway. We should go for a drink sometime" and she said "yeah definitely" and then I said "Well let me take your number and then I get something up". I realise I probably should have set up a date on the spot but honestly it's all a bit of a blur and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
So I took her number and she kept saying she'd left her phone in the car and to text her so she has my number.
After I took her number she said "So what does a Copywriter do?" and I said cheekly "Well I'll tell you that later" and she laughed. Then I had to go and so said goodbye etc and left.
I've texted her my name about an hour after bumping into her because I had to be somewhere straight after. I've read in Corey's book to wait 3-4 days but honestly that seems a bit like playing games and being a bit robotic maybe. I read on another thread that people here generally disagree with the waiting for 4 days rule.
But I could be wrong. What do you guys think? I'm thinking to text or maybe call her some point tomrrow. But I also don't want to screw it up.
Thanks

Here are 100 Tips to Advance Spiritually on Your Recovery Journey

1. Start your day with prayer, asking God for strength and guidance.
2. Read the Bible daily, focusing on verses about healing and recovery.
3. Join a Christian recovery group where you can share your journey with others.
4. Memorize Scripture that speaks to overcoming temptation and maintaining faith.
5. Keep a journal of prayers, insights, and daily progress.
6. Attend church regularly to worship and connect with a faith community.
7. Practice gratitude by thanking God for three things every morning.
8. Offer your struggles to God in prayer, asking for His help to overcome them.
9. Serve others through volunteer work, which can shift focus from self to service.
10. Share your testimony with others to encourage them and strengthen your own faith.
11. Find a mentor or spiritual director who exemplifies Christian living.
12. Participate in Bible studies to deepen your understanding of the Scriptures.
13. Practice forgiveness, letting go of old grudges and asking for forgiveness from those you’ve hurt.
14. Avoid triggers and situations where you’re tempted to relapse.
15. Maintain healthy boundaries in personal and professional relationships.
16. Stay active to help manage stress and improve mental health.
17. Eat a balanced diet to help stabilize mood swings and improve overall health.
18. Get adequate sleep to ensure your mind and body are well-rested.
19. Practice humility by acknowledging your weaknesses and asking for help when needed.
20. Celebrate small victories in your recovery journey, recognizing God’s hand in each.
21. Seek professional counseling if you struggle with underlying issues contributing to addiction.
22. Pray for others facing similar struggles, which can deepen your empathy and connection.
23. Participate in retreats focused on spiritual growth and recovery.
24. Practice patience, recognizing that recovery is a journey, not a destination.
25. Engage in regular self-reflection to assess your growth and areas needing improvement.
26. Stay connected with supportive friends and family who encourage your recovery.
27. Use your experiences to advocate for recovery support in your community.
28. Develop a personal creed or statement of faith that you can turn to in times of temptation.
29. Learn to recognize God’s presence in everyday life and lean on Him during tough times.
30. Set realistic goals for your personal and spiritual growth.
31. Practice mindful meditation focused on biblical truths and God’s love.
32. Join a service project at church or a local charity.
33. Educate yourself about the physiological aspects of addiction to better understand your body’s reactions.
34. Encourage someone daily with a phone call, text, or email.
35. Make amends where possible, as part of your healing process.
36. Limit exposure to digital distractions to enhance your focus on recovery and spiritual growth.
37. Read Christian literature that supports recovery and spiritual well-being.
38. Create a peaceful home environment that supports your recovery.
39. Attend workshops or seminars on Christian living and addiction recovery.
40. Practice the art of listening to God and others, enhancing your empathy and understanding.
41. Engage in creative activities like writing, painting, or music that express your journey.
42. Develop a routine that includes time for work, rest, and spiritual practices.
43. Seek opportunities to share your skills and talents with your church or community.
44. Maintain a spirit of joy, finding reasons to smile and laugh each day.
45. Dress modestly and respectfully, reflecting your dignity as a child of God.
46. Be honest with yourself and others about your struggles and successes.
47. Respect your body as a temple of the Holy Spirit by avoiding substances that harm it.
48. Cultivate gentleness in your interactions with others.
49. Take responsibility for your actions and their impact on others.
50. Participate in community prayer groups or start one if none exists.
51. Commit to lifelong learning about your faith and how it relates to recovery.
52. Use technology for good, such as subscribing to Christian podcasts or recovery channels.
53. Support others in their recovery, offering your time and presence as a mentor.
54. Engage with nature, appreciating God’s creation as a source of peace.
55. Maintain a clean and orderly living space, which can improve your mental clarity and peace.
56. Honor your commitments to others, showing reliability and respect.
57. Seek silence regularly, allowing God to speak to your heart without interruption.
58. Pray before meals, thanking God for His provision.
59. Participate in fasting as a form of spiritual discipline and focus.
60. Practice saying “no” to non-essential demands that may lead to stress or temptation.
61. Develop financial discipline, using resources wisely and avoiding debt.
62. Attend a different community’s church service to experience the broader body of Christ.
63. Watch or listen to testimonies of other Christians who have overcome addiction.
64. Plan for challenging situations by having a strategy to maintain your sobriety.
65. Participate in communal worship, such as singing hymns or contemporary Christian music.
66. Adopt a spirit of perseverance, knowing that every day with God is a step toward recovery.
67. Educate others about addiction, breaking down stigma and spreading hope.
68. Take time off when needed to maintain your mental and spiritual health.
69. Pray with and for your family, strengthening bonds and spiritual connections.
70. Celebrate religious holidays with true spiritual fervor, focusing on their Christian significance.
71. Visit historical Christian sites or take pilgrimages to deepen your faith.
72. Incorporate Christian symbols in your home to remind you of your faith.
73. Give anonymously to those in need, practicing the gift of giving without recognition.
74. Join or form a support group specifically for Christian addicts in recovery.
75. Use Christian apps that provide daily scriptures and prayers.
76. Hold regular family devotions, integrating faith into your household’s routine.
77. Teach a Sunday school class or small group, sharing your knowledge and faith.
78. Partake in communion regularly, remembering Christ’s sacrifice and promise.
79. Invite friends to church or spiritual events, sharing your journey and community.
80. Maintain a prayer list, regularly updating and praying for the needs of others.
81. Reflect on the lives of saints and other Christian figures, drawing inspiration from their faith and perseverance.
82. Practice hospitality, opening your home to fellowship and community building.
83. Engage in spiritual warfare prayers, recognizing and combating the spiritual roots of addiction.
84. Forgive yourself and others, releasing bitterness and focusing on God’s mercy.
85. Decorate your living space with verses and Christian art, creating an environment of faith.
86. Observe a Sabbath rest, dedicating time each week to rest and spiritual renewal.
87. Speak words of affirmation and faith to yourself and others.
88. Consult with your pastor or spiritual leader regularly to stay on track.
89. Embrace modesty in thoughts, words, and actions, focusing on purity.
90. Conduct a weekly review of your spiritual and recovery progress.
91. Be proactive in your church community, taking part in its activities and outreach.
92. Learn to manage stress through faith-based practices like meditation and prayer.
93. Teach about addiction and recovery in your church, spreading awareness and support.
94. Maintain a balance between work, rest, and play to support your overall well-being.
95. Create a vision board that includes your spiritual goals and inspirations.
96. Participate in ecumenical gatherings, recognizing the unity of the broader Christian community.
97. Implement a “media fast” periodically to focus more on your spiritual life.
98. Pray for global issues and missions, broadening your spiritual concern beyond personal needs.
99. Set up a prayer corner or altar in your home, dedicating a space for spiritual reflection.
100. Routinely update your mentor or accountability partner about your progress and struggles.

I was a FIDO customer for 15 years. I called in and asked an agent to give me the same offer they were presenting to new customers. They said no.
So I switched to a new provider. One day later they called asking why I switched, and made a "win back" offer of $25/month for 20G of data on a Bring Your Own Device deal.
Sorry that's not good enough. I had to pay an activation fee with the new provider, plus I have to pay one month of service fees for the new provider, PLUS $25 dollars for the Fido plan to switch back. I am in the hole now because they refused to give a 15 year loyal customer the same treatment as a brand new person they've never dealt with, which essentially punishes being a loyal customer.
I insisted that the only way I'd consider coming back is if they cover all my fees that resulted from having to switch to a new provider i.e., a little over $100. I never should've had to switch. They should easily be able to do that since Fido has 3.4 billion dollars in assets and makes $800 million a year: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fido_(wireless_carrier)) What's a $100 credit to them? If they were truly sorry for their bad behaviour and truly wanted to win back our business they would pay it. The agent said she'd talk to someone to see if they can give me the deal and call me back, but if they don't meet my offer, I don't care. I am happy to leave and never return.
The only way the system changes is if as many people as possible make maximally painful for these cell phone companies to continue their disgraceful practices.
There's a revolving door between government and cell phone/telecommunications companies which allows these companies to continue to operate in a virtual monopoly and treat customers terribly. See this article for instance: https://financialpost.com/telecom/navdeep-bains-hiring-rogers-raises-eyebrows-industry-watchers
It's an extremely blatant example of Regulatory Capture i.e., a form of corruption of authority that occurs when a political entity is co-opted to serve the commercial interests of a minor constituency (in this case cell phone companies). When regulatory capture occurs, a special interest is prioritized over the general interests of the public, leading to a net loss for society.
Unfortunately, the only way we exercise our power is with our dollars. It's the only language they understand.
TLDR: I will never return to FIDO again and will dissuade everyone I know from going with FIDO in the future.

It started in my teenage years and has become worse, especially in the last few years when our tastes and opinions have drifted apart, he calls me fat, claims i always break stuff (a good example is the stairs, one day i said one of the steps felt strange and he fixed it by hammering in a nail, except that actually diverted the stress to the wrong part and the whole thing cracked, he has blamed me ever since because i'm 'overweight') he always tries to get into my phones, he tries to hack my iPhone for instance by showing it to my face or just pictures of my face.
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A few months ago i bought a kilt and he has not shut up about that either, 'why do you want to dress like a woman?' 'we're not scottish' 'you're going to get yourself beat up wearing that' and he spews anti-kilt rhetoric in my face, today he asked me if i wanted a pride kilt, starting rumours that i'm LGBTQ+ is one of his favorite things to do.
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He also harrasses me about my long hair, saying it's dirty, needs to be cut, or why i'm growing it long or making up rumours, he sometimes puts his hand in my hair.
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He also spies on me, i ask to borrow his phone for something and go down his pictures, i find potshots of my computer monitor and my phone screen, i was just playing bitlife on my phone and he wasn't convinced, he kept asking me what 'website that is' and where i 'got the 101,000 euros from' he only realized when he googled it.
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He hates my taste in music, doesn't like me singing and thinks i'm sexually attracted to a former member of one of my favorite bands.
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I have a feeling the reason why he's been worse lately is because a few days ago i had to change the password to my youtube account, i got an email about a comment reply and it turned out he'd been using my account to argue with people and spam this one popular youtuber, honestly the comments reminded me of yayvideogames.
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He's also very paranoid in general, always thinks i'm writing about him and demands to see everything i do on my computer, if i happen to change tabs just as he walks in he accuses me of hiding something and demands to see it.
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Stuff of mine has been broken before too, like several fountain pens, he let a dog chew up a 50s esterbrook and hid the remains from me, he went through a hypergraphia phase of writing lots of things in my books and ruining the pages, he also once took an axe to my xbox controller because he lost a game.
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I'll appreciate any advice on what i can do, what i can say, etc i think some of the harassment is bordering on assault especially touching my hair and clothes, i also have audio evidence of him telling me he doesn't want me wearing a kilt.

I'm a 29 year old male and i will try to summarize the horrendous situation I find myself without leaving to many crucial details out. I was with my ex girlfriend for nearly 6 years. The red flags were present fromn the beggining but looking back I had no way to understand what they were at the time partly due to my young nievete and partly due to the fact that coming from a emotijallyabusive household I had normalized many of the more subtle behaviors and therefore they fell within a blindspot of my cognitive distortions at the time. From the very start she would begin punching herself in her own head if i ever became upset with her in any way or during any attempt to verbally work a problem out. I thought she was just a bit flippant and intense. Dare I say I almost found it attractive in a strange sense. She was and still to this day, stunningly beautiful and menacingly seductive and knows how she can have a significant effect on males especially without doing very much in the way of actions. Fast forward she unknown to me at the time discontinued her birth contorll pills while still assuring me she was taking them and ultimetly lied by telling me she had just to fund out she had become pregnant herself after missing a period. We were both in our mid to early 20s still more or less financially dependant on our parents and were living on public city streets in our tow behind rv with our 2 dogs. She was idealizing me and to be frank I remebr this period of time as the happiest iv been eever before and up untill now. This memory of "happiness" I think was the biggest reason it took me so long to finally start trying to advocate for my self respect instead of hanging my head and just ignoring the abuse so that I would get the sweet reward of psedo- intimacy with her a few times a week. Despite my fond memories looking back I see now what could only be described as patterns if coercive control that seriously escalated over the 5 years we were in a relationship with each other and included her beggining to cheat early on and the resulting systemic lies and relational damage from needing to formulate and bend the nature of reality around those lies. Her hot and cold treatment of me with any postive(hot) behavior usually at least in the last few years being exclusively sexual in nature and cold behavior usually manifesting as her stonewalling me and or simply disappearing for multiple days at a time sometimes. The day my son was born i accompanied her to the hospital and sat with her the entire time helped her push ans enouraged her with love. She treated me with indifference and disdain. Once our wonderful little boy came along this a became even worse. The sense that she was making it about him and her vs everyone else including me was strong. She became quite introverted secretive and "cliquey" with my newborn and at the same time seemed to loose all desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with me. (Of course i gave her plenty of time and space right after she gave birth amd was understanding that it might be a while before things were back to normal).it was almost like she had a new partner-our child. she refused to fully move in to the apartment my grandparents had spent a huge amint of money on to give us a chance at raising our soon in a healthy environment. She would start random and seemingly pointless arguments often escalating into her screaming mean things at me innfront of our 3 month old son like she ****ed me and then raging followed by quickly slamming the door and taking our infant son backto her mother's house where she would stonewall me for a few days then send me. A message that emotionally blackmailed me into taking full blame for the rupture and apologizing profusely. In addition she did not trust me with our son but had no reason not too and as a result gatekept him in an extremely overcintrolling and damaging(for him and for me) manner. to this day (he is 3.5] I have never spent the night alone with him and have had him 1 on 1 dad and son time signifigantly less than I should have and not for lack of trying on my part. Despite her overcontrolling coercive sabatoging and alienating actions my son and I formed a loving and beautiful bond that up untill I saw him last a few months ago has amazingly endured through the storm. The tradegy goes on and on but to wrap up ultimitely she purposefully betrayed me by starting a relationship with my good friend and had him suggest to me that he should move in so he became my roommate all the while lying to my roommate that I ht her and simultaneously having him report back to her on my whereabouts at any Givin time and the things I said about her when venting after a prticulringly humiliating attempt to see my son or similar interaction and also give her info about what I was doing during the day. He became quite controlling himself and severed to further isolate me from people that weren't trying to ruin my life. They started to play mindgames with me that ibsee now attempts to gage how much I knew or suspected about what was going on. Mind you my son who was around 2 at this point was privy to the whole thing it was only kept a secret from me and due to this my son was coached to not tell me about it although what was actually said I will never know. Eventually a mutual friend of my roommate and I reached out and told me he had seen my roommate "playing dad" with my girl and son at dollar tree that day. I remebrr that day I sat at a local park in my car sullen and confused having been led on via sms from her only to randomly stop responding and never managing to get any time with my son. This sort of thing had become a regular occurance She then began withholding my son all togethar simply not answering at all or lying about him being asleep ridiculously early in the afternoon etc etc. My own parents failed to suppprt me and are still failing to show any sort of care other than somehwat monitarily. In fact my mom and her were two peas in a pod and my mom activly participated in the emotional abuse partly becauee of being manipulated by her partly because my mother is emotionally abusive. If I had better support or access to court resources at the time I'm confident things would have gone much differently but I was so isolated and lonely and in a deep state of despair at this point and the only thing I still was enduring for was the brief and inconsistent times i got with my boy whom I love more than life itself. I managed to get a hold of her via phone at this point and said i was going to go to court and pursue custody since she seemed unwilling to value my valid role as father. Her mom and her immediately became overly nice and invited me over where they sat me down and offered to make a visitation schedule and kindly suggested I dident go to court. It wasent much but it was signifgantly more respect than I had been shown any instance prior so I gobbled up the manipulations and left feeling invigorated and hopeful. The schedule was never adhered too and within a few days it was back to me not even be able to get a hold of her let alone see my son. The final day I saw him before things blew up I went over to her house in the evening. My son wanted to play hot wheels so we began to line them up on the floor but my ex was hovering over us with a hostile air. I asked if we could have some space or if at least she could sit down and play with us and she just kept standing there glaring at me. This made me uncomfortable and my son noticed this by sayig daddy play with me! Upon hearing this she in a angry tone said "play with your effin kid isent that what you wanted to do soooooo badly" right in front of him. I asked not to be spoken to in front of him like that and she went and got her mom and started whispering abut me to her mom in the hallway while they watched my son and I. I got up and said I'm leaving this is innappropriate and she said "wow that checks out you harrass me to see your son and then you don't even wanna see him. how pathetic and typical" " you just want to stress me out dont you" you don't actually give 2 you know what's about him" right in front of my son again. I speechlessly went to leave and my son comes running after me begging me to wait. I'm on the verge of tears and i picked him up cherishing how warm he was and how lovingly he was clinging to me. I tentatively requested I be allowed to go for a walk with him around the block and her mom this time dismissively says ya go and shoos us out the door. I get down the driveway and my ex comes sprinting out of the house tears streaming down her face and a look of rage and starts hitting me while I'm holding our son. Amazingly he start4d pushing her away saying mommy stop mommy stop. She says you have 5 minutes or I'm calling the cops and goes back in. I walk him around the block and say "mommy's feeling sad right now but it doesn't mean that either one of us loves you any more or any less than we used to and it's absolutely not your fault." I go back inside and without saying anything I walk up to her and give her a hug wich my son joins in too. All the sudden she is happy again and trying to speak to me in a casual tone but I basically just leave without saying much else. After this a week of no contact with my son occurs which at the time was the longest we had gone apart I felt like I had no choice but to confront her and assert my rights AGAIN although looking back I feel terribley silly for thinking she was going to repsect me at that point. Keep in mind i ALWAYS was extrmely respectful of her space and never would just show up at her moms house even though our relationahip by many accounts was more than informal ennough to make an occasionaI drop in to say hi. In addition she on Many occasions had told me that I could just come by if she didn't Answer her phone or simular situation arose. I texted her I was coming by to say goodnight to my son and phrased it as a statement not a question or request. I was already on the way when I sent the message and so I arrived (unintentionally)before her being able to fully respond to it to see my romate come running out of the front door (this is when I first had proof ab about all the stuff I mentioned earlier about their secret relationship) and go hide in the bushes, her poke her head out the door and then shut and lock it and turn all the lights in the house out and close the blinds. I walk up to the door and knock to no avail and so I confront her about what i know and saw via sms. She directly denies all my proof and accusations and then after calling me crazy and a stalker blocks me on all channels of communication. I go back to my car and collapse in tears and ultimtly fall asleep. I wake up to see her quickly shoving a duffel bag and my son into her moms car and her and my roommate get in and she pulls quickly away. Upon passing me on her way to the main road she becomes aware that im still there in my car and she burns rubber and begins driving extremely fast and erratically. In a moment of panic I knew she was probably trying to go into hiding with my son to prevent me from evrr seeing him again and I fearing for the safety of my son and our relationship I regrettably felt compelled to follow. We got on the freeway where she initiatied speeds of 100 plus miles perhour weaving in between semi's and this sort of thing continued d for an hour in the interim I had called 911 and also she had pulled up too a gas station casually got out and pumped gas upon her getting back in the car I witnessed my roommate making derogatory and taunting sexual gestures referring to my ex and also what i can only describe as cuddling with my son in the back seat and became enraged and made some threatening motions with a large wooden shovel handle while standing next to her car that were directed at my betraying friend and I feel terrible for doing in front of my child but in the moment I was so desperate and upset by the psychological torture i had been through it clouded my normally good judgment. In the end the police couldn't locate us due to my 911 call continually being transfered fron highway patrol dispatch back to whatever city we were in at the times dispatch. Also ultimetly no physical harm or even any other attempts happend or anything to anyone of the people involved and eventually I gave up and drove back to my hometown. She immediately filed for a domestic violence restraining order and used a recording she took of me looking aggressive and threatening outside her car as proof im abusive and violent even though i have never been either of those things. Especially not violent. I may not have been the most mature or experienced or attentive partner for some of our relationship but anything I did was truly a far cry from the serious emotional anguish I have ben subjected to here and not abusive. I did not lie, cheat,manipulate, gaslight, trick, triangulate, turn family againts or ever feel superior or entitled to harm or use her in any way. I loved her and she did all those to me and now is trying to steal the most precious thing I have left in the world from me so she can emotionally scar him with her idea of what good parenting is which in truth is emotional abuse.. She moved my old roommate in to her moms house full time the very next day and from what I hear they both are abusing meth and who knows what else currently plus this guy is not somone that is safe around my son to that degree. He is not a healthy safe adult for such a young boy and in addition he is vindictive and dislikes me mostly because my ex told him I hit her and abused her which are absolutely complete lies. I'm facing a situation now where I have to sit by and watch my son turned agsints me and withheld from me and abused and eveyone treats me like im the abuser. I have tried to contact every dv organization in my local area and as soon as they hear what happend it's almost like I can Feel the switch flip and in the moment it's evident that all the abuse that I had recounted surviving through doesn't matter because I'm some "unhinged abusive guy that chases people down the freeway" eveyone I have reached out to locally has invalidated me and berrated me for "what I did" and successfully pathologized what I consider to be a huge mistake that I feel very regretful for loosing my composure but also a rather understandable emotional reaction to severe mistreatment and fear for my son. I'm beggining to feel so isolated riding the emotional Rollercoaster of self doubt and powerlessness that this abuse at the hands of my ex but dare I say worse yet the abuse by way of victim blame and invalidation from these people and organizations that exist to help dv survivors has caused me. which because I reacted I'm not worthy of being included as a survivor. Cn you offer any advice or support or suggestions? I'm terrified for my sons wellbeing currently and haven't been able to see him in going on 2.5 months now clear and to be clear the domestic violence restraining order is still temporary. I have the final hearing in August.i

Passed the exam today. Got 5 years of security engineering experience and studied for about 2 months. 2 hours on weekdays and 4-5 on weekends.

• Dest Cert Book - Read it once 9/10. Much easier to read than the OSG, which was too dry. Made notes as I read the book and made my own study guide.
• Watched Thor's videos - 9/10 he explains things very well
• CISSP Cram - 10/10 had it on often in the car and listened to it twice overall. Easy to digest.
• Dest Cert Mindmaps - 9/10 listened to it a few days before the exam at 2x speed
• Boson exams - 10/10 can be very technical, but it makes sure you know the technology and how to use it. Did about 600 questions at 83% average score.
• LearnzApp—7/10 I did about 1000 questions and was 57% ready on there. There were so many questions that made no sense to me, and I found Boson much more reliable and giving me a better answeexperience.
• Andrew 50 CISSP questions - very good walkthrough the practice questions and how to think like a manager.
• Why you will pass the CISSP by Kelly - good to listen to on the way to the test center

What did I do differently?
https://apps.ankiweb.net/ I used Anki and made my own flashcards. Lots of my doctor friends told me they used it to memorize and retain info as they studied for the MCAT, and it 100% works. I think it was the most beneficial thing I did. When I got boson questions wrong, I would make a flashcard and add it to a deck for the specific domain. It is free, asides the iOS app which I did buy so I can study on phone. If you have a hard time remembering mnemonics and random terms, this is the way for timed repetition and retainment of lots of facts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCK2aBrHnB4 this video is 2 years old but gives a bit of info on adaptive testing style. My biggest takeaway was that you really really really need to spend a lot of time on first 10 questions of the exam, as those can have a big impact on your exam experience. I spent a good amount of time on those first 10 questions and made sure to read them at least 3 times.
The bottom line is that you need to spend time studying the material and doing practice questions.

Explorers of Sky is a solid candidate for my favourite video game of all time, but it definitely isn’t without a few small blemishes and things that annoy me. I thought it could be fun to discuss some of the small bugbears that we have with the story, gameplay, and so forth in this otherwise excellent game. Not things which fundamentally destroy the gameplay experience for you, but things that manage to irritate you on each playthrough. The main ones which come to mind for me:

• Partner AI: This is probably the most blatant problem, and the one which I hear about the most. Allies in this game are aggressively stupid for no reason, and plenty of things which should be the absolute bare minimum are locked behind IQ skills. Not stepping on visible traps should be the default, as should knowing not to use status moves when the target already has the bloody status condition. And why, for the love of all that is holy, is Weak-Type Picker not something that EVERY Pokémon gets?? Why is my Lv.60 partner with near-max IQ still spamming Thunderbolt on a Ground type? Let alone grasping concepts like not using Hypnosis on an Insomnia ‘mon. It’s frustrating, because it isn’t like giving allies better AI was beyond the technology of the time or something- it was a conscious dev decision to make allies stupid. Resultantly, you have to waste so much time micromanaging your teammates so they don’t get themselves killed that having a large team feels like a liability.
  
• Renaming Allies: Very minor gripe here, but it really irritates me on every playthrough that there is no way to rename teammates besides evolving them. It always makes me feel put on the spot in dungeons, because either you come up with a clever nickname right that second, or your ‘mon is just going to be nameless forever. Alternatively, if you give a ‘mon you want to hold onto a stupid nickname, or misclick while naming, you’re done for. This is a feature that has been in the main series literally since Red and Green, and it would have been so easy to add a button that does this to the Assembly menu in Sky.
  
• Egg/Tutor Moves: It’s a crying shame that there is zero way for Pokémon to acquire Egg moves, or even Tutor moves, beyond hatching from an egg with one. The Chansey daycare system isn’t a remotely engaging means of acquiring unique moves, because unlike in the main series you have virtually no autonomy over what ‘mons you’ll get, and what egg move they’ll have. You either get lucky and hatch a Chimchar with Thunderpunch, or you (more likely) don’t. Egg moves may as well not exist for how relevant they are to the average playthrough. Certain ‘mons are absolutely crippled by not having meaningful access to their best moves; Phanpy would be a really fun choice of starter if it could learn Earth Power and Ice Shard. Instead, it’s absolute dogwater with no usable STAB. Later games handle this far better, allowing the player to just pay a fee to learn these moves, and it honestly makes me glum how movepools are so comparatively limited in Sky.
  
• Temporary Allies: Slight retread of my earlier point, but the temporary allies you get saddled with throughout the story are also pointlessly restricted. Why can’t I alter their tactics? I much prefer Go After Foes to Let’s Go Together, which just makes Grovyle and others much too passive to be useful. Plus, why can’t I toggle their moves? A very small issue I know, but it ultimately culminates in a significant problem when you’re tasked with keeping these burdens alive- Cresselia probably wouldn’t be half as infamous as she is if you could just tell her what to do instead of just watching as she gets herself killed.
  
• Accuracy Nonsense: Why do moves randomly miss so often in this game? The main series is pretty good about setting most moves at 90%+ accuracy, and usually outright 100% for your standard options like Flamethrower. It removes a lot of pointless RNG from standard play, while allowing players to choose riskier, more rewarding options like Fire Blast if they so choose. Meanwhile in this game, basically nothing is completely safe. You can and will lose eminently winnable encounters because Bite decided it wanted to miss three times in a row. Oh, and if you got hit by Sand Attack once, or God forbid your opponent has Sand Veil/Snow Cloak up? Prepare for this bullshit. I’ve racked my brain trying to think of a gameplay justification for this change, and I just can’t. It just seems to be there for extra RNG.
  
• Conflicting Abilities: I recently did a playthrough with Riolu, and noticed that it has both Steadfast AND Inner Focus. One boosts Speed upon being flinched (also when you’re cross-eyed, but how often does that happen?), and the other prevents flinching. Lucario, then, effectively has no ability. As funny as this is, it obviously shouldn’t be allowed to happen, especially on a super popular choice of starter Pokémon. I understand that the devs aimed to adapt the abilities and learnsets of the main series faithfully, but at a certain point you have to sacrifice fidelity for gameplay. They should have altered the abilities of ‘mons that got saddled with dud combos.
  
• Perish Song: Perish Song exists. That is all.
  

Of course, there’s a lot of other random jank you can discuss with Sky’s battle system, like how options that are relatively unexceptional in the main series (eg. Mirror Move, Smokescreen) are godlike here for no reason. Not to mention the fuckery that is the Speed system, or Silver Wind/Ominous Wind having the potential to raise stats on EVERY HIT. But I honestly don’t mind these elements; I’m used to them at this point, and breaking the game wide open with Cyndaquil or Torchic is really fun. The tradeoff is that sometimes you’ll get unavoidably wiped by Porygon-Z hitting Agility two times in a row and then pressing the funny Discharge button, but that’s just Mystery Dungeon.

You can read more about my (30F) psychologist in my profile history. Basic run-down is that she pressured me into taking Prozac even though I said I didn't want to, pressured me into doing dating apps when I said I had been traumatized by men on them, and pressured me to talk about my SA and do EMDR when I didn't want to.
I eventually left a voicemail saying that therapy wasn't working for me. This was 3 hours before my appt. She wanted me to pay $500 for missing the appointment (it was a $250 double session).
I left a voicemail on her phone telling her that I didn't appreciate her pressuring into things and no financially exploiting me. I then looked up her psychologist license and saw that it expired in 2021.
She finally returned my voicemail and this is what she said: "I got your message yesterday. You don't have to pay for that session. But I am concerned, I think that I used cognitive behavioral techniques to help you with BDD as well as depression and the fact that you don't have girlfriends, haven't had a real relationship with a guy, and I tried to do some interpersonal psychotherapy around that. I did the best I could. I would love for you to come in and talk about this because your relationships often don't work out. The good thing about therapy is you can come in and talk about our relationship and we can figure out and negotiate and work it out -- something that you're gonna have to do in relationships with others. So let me know if you'd like to come in and talk about it. I wish you the best, take care"
It felt like she was almost mocking me or throwing it in my face that I don't have friends and haven't been in a real relationship. The truth is I actually do have friends - I literally just went on a vacation to Arizona with them - but they don't live in the same state as me.
I also feel like she is trying to insinuate that I am the problem in relationships and don't put enough effort in. I don't think that's true at all - I have a lot of empathy and usually give people a lot of chances, especially men I've dated. I attract a lot of men with narcissistic traits.
The whole thing is unsettling to me. I have horrible depression and have had a horrible time in therapy. I feel genuinely hopeless and like nothing will help. I also feel like a major loser who can't have friends and fails at relationships :(

Hi everyone! What are your favorite apps for keeping track of your collection? I’ve been using Lacquergram and it’s fine but seems kinda limited. I haven’t been able to edit certain fields, including color tags, which is frustrating. I’m sure that using excel or google sheets would be good but I’m hoping to do everything from my phone rather than involving my computer. Any input? Thank you!

Throwaway account for anonymity, although this story is pretty popular among my group. I wrote this directly to Charlotte, so I hope you like it!
I wanted to tell the story of my marriage to my now wife and how vastly different our mothers have taken the whole thing. I’m sharing because I find the whole thing absolutely wacky, so sit back and enjoy!
I (34m) and my now wife (30f) have been together for 5 years, and we got engaged back in 2022. We made elaborate wedding plans because I’m very outgoing and extroverted, and she went along with everything because she loves me. We both knew neither of our families would not be involved. While her mother (55f) absolutely hates me because of my skin color, my mother (72f) suffered from Alzheimer’s and dementia. We knew she could never fly in for our wedding, as she could barely leave the house, let alone the state, and my father (77m), as much as he loves me, refused to leave her side for longer than an hour.
Her mother refused to ever meet me and would insult me whenever she possibly could. I really didn’t want her to attend the wedding, so I wasn’t too pleased when my wife wanted her to walk her down the aisle instead of her father (58m), who had a long history of being incredibly flaky for important events. When we created the bridal party, my side had only friends since I’m an only child and she had her brother (26m) as a bridesman. However, he didn’t like wearing suits so he dropped out of the wedding, citing that he MIGHT have work the day of the wedding, which was 6 months away. Her mother called the next day and dropped out, leading to a lot of crying, an argument and a lot of talks to get through the heartache. Her father actually stepped up and asked to walk her down the aisle, and was practically in tears apologizing for not being there for her. My wife agreed and hugged her father so tightly. I was worried but I had to give the man credit...he was trying.
Our priorities changed when I heard that my mother was quickly slipping away, so my wife had the idea of having a private ceremony just for her and my father so she could see me get married. We flew down, and discovered that the cat peed on her only white dress, and my father forgot which day we were getting married. Luckily…thanks to a lot of bleach and phone calls, we were able to get married in front of her, and she had a very good day. She remembered me the whole time, and she absolutely loved my wife. It was probably the most perfect day of my life: I got to solve problems, have my mother remember me and marry my best friend…albeit illegally technically since we didn’t have a marriage license. To this day, we called it our “marriage before God.” My mother passed away 3 weeks after that ceremony. It was pretty devastating.
By the way…we still had our “lavish” wedding to hold, which was still a month away. Her mother and brother wanted NOTHING to do with the wedding, and I was perfectly happy, but I knew she wasn’t. We had a lot of talks leading up to it, and I made sure she always had support, whether it was from me, her bridesmaids, and all of our friends coming together to let her know how much she means to us. Her father was on time and in a suit, so that was already a victory. I later heard that he told her how proud he was of her and how lovely she looked, something he rarely said when she was growing up. He really stepped up to the plate. Our wedding day had just as many calamities as the marriage before God, which includes a very late Bridesmaid, a very cold and windy outdoor ceremony and a very hot and sweaty reception. Oh, and my wife’s mother texting her on the wedding day how disrespectful she and her friends are, and how she’s “guilty” for not being a “good enough daughter.” This really pissed my wife off, and it led to her FINALLY going NC with her. But that text came well after our wedding ended, and it was the most perfect day we’ve ever had. I love my wife so much and what she did for my mother and I will make me do anything to make her happy for the rest of our lives.
Just goes to show not to let negative people ruin your life…even if they gave birth to you.

You know what the best part is about playing Engineer in Team Fortress 2? You get to watch how angry everyone gets when they get shot by your sentry guns. Me and my best friend Jose both main Engineer, and can confirm that the best way to spend your Friday nights after school is to set up a sentry and get ready for the rage. There’s been matches where we haven’t even used our actual guns even once, but racked up lots of kills just because of the sentries.
One day Jose called me up with an idea that was either going to be the stupidest thing ever or the smartest thing ever. He wanted to fill an entire team with only Engineers and watch the chaos unfold. I couldn’t stop laughing at the mental image in my head and agreed with the plan. I joined a Discord server with everyone else on the team.
I convinced my cousin Matthew to join, and he in turn brought along his little brother Zack. According to Matthew, it took quite a bit of convincing because Zack was a Scout main who couldn’t stand Engineers. He eventually got through to his little brother by promising him a Steam gift card. I even got their dad Graham to play along (yes, I have an uncle who plays TF2. How cool is that?). Jose enlisted his friends, who turned into friends of friends and soon enough we had a team of 16 Engineers.
To say that we caused chaos that night was an absolute understatement. As soon as we joined the game the text chat was flooded with messages from the other team wondering what the hell was going on. And they only got worse from that point on. We surrounded our control points with a ring of sentries that people just kept running into. I saw keyboard smashes and heard other teen boys’ voices crack in rage and many, many words that I personally don’t care to repeat here.
The most skilled Engineer was this guy named Craig, who was a friend of one of Jose’s friends. Not only was he the main person capturing the enemy control points with some very strategically placed teleporters, but he was also really friendly and encouraging to all of us. I didn’t know what he looked like, but from his voice it sounded like he was in his early 20s.
Me and Craig started to chat more and more on Discord. He was a super nice guy who was also really fun to talk with. He took time out of his day to teach me how to be an even better Engineer player. Whenever someone started dissing me in the voice chat, he firmly told them to leave me alone. After seeing my fair share of toxicity in the TF2 community, it was nice to know that this complete stranger was looking out for me.
This whole Team Engineer thing became a weekly tradition for us on Friday nights. It was something everyone could look forward to after work or school. One time after everyone logged off and said their goodbyes, Craig sent a message a few hours later in our Discord:
“You guys gotta check this out. I found the weirdest server ever. It’s literally Engineer heaven. Meet me at vl_sentry.”
I was still in the mood to play and I could stay up late tonight, so I hopped back on TF2. I saw that Jose, Graham and this other girl we played with named Lynn were also online. I found vl_sentry and connected to the server. The map was called Valley of the Sentries and it was created by Valve.
It took my computer a little bit to process the map, and it took me even longer than that to process what I was seeing.
The map looked like a chessboard with 3D-sculpted hills. The sky was just pure white. Not even white walls, just the color white. Every square had a blue sentry on it and there were about 4 or 5 other Engineers jumping around, spamming their voice lines. That’s when I realized that we were the only ones there, and there was no red team.
“Hey Sean, glad you could make it :)” Craig said in the text chat. “What the hell is this?” I asked. He told me that this was a server that one of his friends showed him. The friend said he was introduced to the map by a friend of his who knew someone who worked at Valve. Craig then went on to explain that apparently Valley of the Sentries was an experiment to test the limits of the sentry guns and their effect on the servers. Rumor has it that the map is infinite.
“Check this out.” said Jose. He switched to Heavy and immediately got shot down. All of the sentries turned towards him. There were so many of them that it made the game lag a ton. He respawned as Engineer and the sentries just kept on spinning.
“WTF?” I typed. “We tried it with all the other classes and it does the same thing.” said Craig. “It ignores Engineers, but shoots everyone else.” Lynn added. “And that’s why we’re the best class. Engineer power!” Graham joked.
I asked what would happen if you were to play as Spy and sap one of the sentries. “I tried, but you gotta have a godly reaction time to activate it.” said Jose. As soon as he said “godly reaction time”, I knew I had to try it out just for the bragging rights.
Respawn. Shot down. Respawn. Shot down. Respawn. Shot down.
Yeah, I did not have a godly reaction time. The others kept spamming “lol” in the chat each time I failed. I got annoyed pretty quickly and stopped trying. Then out of nowhere, all the sentries turned away from me and started firing at someone. I turned around and all five of us were still standing there. I looked at the top bar that shows how many characters were in the game. There were only five Engineers and they were all on the same team. So what the hell were the sentries targeting?
I started to walk in the direction that the sentries were facing and Jose followed me too. We moved really slow, not only because of the sentries on every square but also the uphill climbs. It was just us two in the chat for a while, talking about seeing each other back at school on Monday while we made our slow walk across the map. Then our conversation was interrupted by a chat message from Lynn.
“Why is there a man in the sky?”
Me and Jose tried to get to Lynn to see what she was talking about as fast as possible, but we moved like snails. To get back to the spawn point, we both switched classes, instantly died and respawned as Engineers. I don’t think we respawned in the same place we started from. I don’t even know where we respawned. There were no landmarks or notable things to help you find your way. Just hills, valleys, and sentries.
I asked Lynn where she was and she just told me she was with Graham and Craig. Only that wasn’t very helpful because we didn’t know where they were either. We stood there, stumped for a minute and a half until Jose got an idea. He said that she should just switch classes and respawn, because then all of the sentries would point toward her and we could follow them all the way back to her. She made the switch, got shot down, and we instantly knew where to find her.
We finally got close enough to kind of make out the vague shape of a few Engineers over the non-existent horizon. Me and Jose were relieved, until all the sentries pointed to our right. I swiveled around and saw them open fire on…nothing. I checked with Jose to see if he caught something I didn’t, but he also didn’t see what they were shooting at. I decided that it wasn’t that important and continued to walk towards the rest of the group.
We met up with Lynn, Craig and Graham, disappointed that we made that trek all for nothing. Even though we were all together now, it just felt so lonely. The only sound coming from my computer was the constant beeping of the sentries in perfect sync. I don’t know why, but it made me so uneasy. I attempted to break the silence by going to the voice lines and playing the iconic Engineer “Nope” soundbite. It echoed across the checkered land with no response.
It was about 12:30 AM at this point and I was starting to feel more and more unsettled with each passing minute. There was just something about this black and white world that I felt creeped out by. Before Craig invited us to come over, there was no one else on the server. Who would even want to play on this map, anyways? It’s so unfairly balanced that only one class can survive. Movement speed was super slow, and you can’t even really do anything except watch the sentries turn and turn and turn forever. It was like hypnosis, except I didn’t feel sleepy or relaxed at all.
Speaking of being sleepy, Jose said he was getting tired and was going to be logging off. We all said goodbye to him and continued chatting amongst ourselves. It sounds stupid, but my stomach dropped when I saw the fifth Engineer portrait disappear. One less person to talk to. One less person to keep myself from wondering what else was out here. I could have sworn that after he left, the beeping got louder.
“So is this map actually infinite?” asked Graham. “Only one way to find out.” Craig said. “Just keep on walking and see if it goes on forever.” “Why don’t you just fire a shotgun and see how far it goes?” Lynn suggested.
I took out the shotgun and fired. The bullet flew off into the white distance and disappeared.
Then I heard the distinct sound of someone getting shot.
A message appeared in the chat, from someone named sentry_check_pattern.
“sentry_check_pattern: stop that”
Once again I looked at the top bar. It just showed four blue Engineers. That meant we were the only ones on the server. Or so we thought.
The chat was flooded with our confusion, almost as if everyone realized at the same time that something wasn’t right. None of us moved an inch.
“What even is this place?” I asked, hoping that the mysterious user would provide me with an answer. “Must be Engineer heaven.” said Graham.
“sentry_check_pattern: more like my personal hell”
This was the moment that made me trust my intuition. I knew there was a reason why I found this map so creepy. I wanted to leave the server, but there was just one thing keeping me back- my own curiosity. My wish to unveil the mysteries of the Valley of the Sentries.
“Okay this is really freaking me out. See ya guys.” said Lynn before she left the server. The fourth Engineer’s portrait disappeared from the top bar.
No no no, please. Please don’t go. Don’t leave us. I wouldn’t want to be alone here. Now there’s just three of us, and I really hope that number doesn’t go down anymore. When the others were here, this was just a weird TF2 map that we were exploring together as friends. And now it feels like we’re trapped in this infinite world, but we aren’t alone. The only problem is we don’t know what else is here.
I shuddered, imagining Craig and Graham ditching me and leaving me all alone in the Valley of the Sentries. Just me and whoever- no, whatever was talking to us.
“sentry_check_pattern: you don’t know how good you have it
you can leave at any time
i can’t”
This terrified me. What a horrible thought, never being able to leave this place. But of course, no one could really be trapped here. It’s a Team Fortress 2 server. You can just exit the game and shut your computer. No one could be trapped in a video game.
But if you think about it, aren’t the characters themselves trapped? They can’t leave the game. They’re characters. They don’t even know they’re in a game. You or the computer controls all their actions. They don’t have free will. And if you’re bad at the game, they’ll just keep dying over and over again.
Wait, why was I thinking about this?
I carefully considered what I wanted to say next in the chat. Whatever I said could either answer all my burning questions or leave me asking more. But sentry_check_pattern talked first.
“sentry_check_pattern: i was made for one purpose
to die over and over again”
Oh my god. It was like this person read my mind and knew exactly what I was thinking about. Who or what was I talking to? I turned all the way around to make sure that no one else was there. It was just the two blue Engineers standing behind me. Just Graham and Craig. And that man with the checkered skin.
Startled, I asked my friends if they saw what I saw. It took them a second, but both of them confirmed that yes, there was indeed something else there. A basic male model with the same chessboard texture as the map. Graham immediately started to shoot at him. Nothing. It just went straight through him.
“sentry_check_pattern: you can’t kill what’s already been killed millions of times over
valve made that mistake too
every company has that one failed project they don’t talk about
and that’s me”
Whoever was behind this weird account was talking crazy. The Team Fortress 2 developers were very open about everything like fixing their glitches and bugs. They always posted things on the official blog about the development process. They’re so open about their failures and always promise to fix them.
“Stop with the weird stuff. We just wanted to know what the deal is with this server and the weird chess guy. Do you know anything about it?” Graham asked in the text chat.
“sentry_check_pattern: know anything?
you’re not very bright, graham
none of you are
do you not realize where you are and what you’re talking to”
Something about the way sentry_check_pattern used Graham’s name gave me goosebumps. I didn’t know what I was talking to. I didn’t even think I wanted to know at this point.
“sentry_check_pattern: this is one of valve’s test servers
i’m the texture they use to check if the sentries work
read between the lines”
“Quiet, NPC.” Craig said. I laughed a little bit to fight off the awkward tension. Then I reminded myself that I was talking to a video game character, no- not even a character. A blank character model. A texture.
“sentry_check_pattern: just because i’m a character model doesn’t mean i can’t feel pain
open fire”
The sentries all swiveled around to face the man and shot at him. He kept falling to the ground, turning white and standing back up in the same position.
“sentry_check_pattern: cease fire”
All of the sentries stopped shooting and just went back to spinning around, their beeps echoing in the air.
“sentry_check_pattern: ready to see what i’ve been through for over a decade?
open fire”
Before any of us could react, the sentries opened fire on Craig all at once. He kept dying, but he didn’t explode the way you’re supposed to when you die in TF2. He just dropped to the floor, turned white, and respawned over and over again. There was no death scream. I tried to type something else in the chat but the game lagged so much that my typing just ended up as a string of random letters that meant nothing. Craig tried to type something out too. It just ended up as “wwwwwwwwwwthisishowitfeelswwwwwwwww” Then the game crashed and my computer shut down.
I hyperventilated. Then I laughed at myself for hyperventilating over a stupid computer game. It was Team Fortress 2 for god’s sake. That game with all the memes and goofy jokes. Stupid, stupid Sean. Scared of a character model. Jose would never let me live it down. I just laughed and laughed to push the fear away.
I closed my laptop and took out my phone to rewatch all of my favorite TF2 animations for the millionth time. As if they weren’t already the funniest things in the world, I forced myself to laugh even harder than usual. Every time I saw the Engineer, I couldn’t help but look at the reflection in his goggles. The reflection of an endless map of black and white squares.
Thankfully, nothing bad happened to my game, account or laptop. The next day I just went right back to playing and enjoying the rage coming from all the people who ran right into my sentries.
Team Engineer was still a thing, but it was never really the same. We played together a lot less frequently. It was still a lot of fun, but I felt a change that I couldn’t really describe.
We found out that Craig had lost all progress on his TF2 account. Everyone gifted him all his favorite cosmetics and we all pooled our money together to get him a Steam gift card. He video called us, crying at our kindness. It was the first time I ever even saw his face. He was a lot older than most of us. If I had to guess an age, I’d say somewhere around 30. He had black bangs and was wearing a TF2 shirt. His room was dark, only lit by his glowing computer screen. He thanked us repeatedly and even tried to return the gift card, but we were all adamant that he should keep it.
Speaking of Craig, we still kept in touch but he didn’t talk to me as much anymore. Any time I tried to ask him about vl_sentry, he ignored me for a few days.
The other day, I got some postcards from my cousin Matthew. He was very academic and happened to be studying at a private high school about 9 hours away from where I live. All of his postcards were pictures of him making funny faces with all his friends at favorite school activities like robotics, debate team, and chess club.
I looked at the chess club photo closely. Matthew and his friends were standing in front of a chessboard with a mirror on the wall. And for a split second, I could have sworn that the chessboard looked different in the mirror. It looked warped, like it wasn’t a flat board anymore. Like it almost had hills and valleys. No, it couldn’t be. I rubbed my eyes. There, in the mirror was a checkered man. I knew it was there. I swear on my mother’s life that there was another person in that photo. And then it was gone. Maybe the picture was just printed badly. But I had to make sure my eyes were right.
So I brought the postcard to school with me and I showed Jose. I asked him if he saw the checkered man in the mirror. He said no. But that wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. That was the answer I hoped I wouldn’t hear. I asked him again. He said no again. Then I asked him another time. He said I was being annoying. So I asked another one of my friends. He said no too. So I moved on to yet another friend. He told me to stop.
I angrily clutched the postcard in my hand, crumpling it. I was the only one that saw what was really there. Everyone else was lying to me. They refused to see the truth.
I screamed and ripped up the postcard. I stomped on its pieces. I rubbed them in the dirt for good measure.
Somewhere in the distance, I heard the sound of electronics beeping.
It rang in my ears.
It was weirdly comforting to me.
You can leave the Valley of the Sentries. But the valley will never leave you.

Throwaway account for anonymity, although this story is pretty popular among my group. I wrote this directly to Mark Narrations, so I hope you like it!
I wanted to tell the story of my marriage to my now wife and how vastly different our mothers have taken the whole thing. I’m sharing because I find the whole thing absolutely wacky, so sit back and enjoy!
I (34m) and my now wife (30f) have been together for 5 years, and we got engaged back in 2022. We made elaborate wedding plans because I’m very outgoing and extroverted, and she went along with everything because she loves me. We both knew neither of our families would not be involved. While her mother (55f) absolutely hates me because of my skin color, my mother (72f) suffered from Alzheimer’s and dementia. We knew she could never fly in for our wedding, as she could barely leave the house, let alone the state, and my father (77m), as much as he loves me, refused to leave her side for longer than an hour.
Her mother refused to ever meet me and would insult me whenever she possibly could. I really didn’t want her to attend the wedding, so I wasn’t too pleased when my wife wanted her to walk her down the aisle instead of her father (58m), who had a long history of being incredibly flaky for important events. When we created the bridal party, my side had only friends since I’m an only child and she had her brother (26m) as a bridesman. However, he didn’t like wearing suits so he dropped out of the wedding, citing that he MIGHT have work the day of the wedding, which was 6 months away. Her mother called the next day and dropped out, leading to a lot of crying, an argument and a lot of talks to get through the heartache. Her father actually stepped up and asked to walk her down the aisle, and was practically in tears apologizing for not being there for her. My wife agreed and hugged her father so tightly. I was worried but I had to give the man credit...he was trying.
Our priorities changed when I heard that my mother was quickly slipping away, so my wife had the idea of having a private ceremony just for her and my father so she could see me get married. We flew down, and discovered that the cat peed on her only white dress, and my father forgot which day we were getting married. Luckily…thanks to a lot of bleach and phone calls, we were able to get married in front of her, and she had a very good day. She remembered me the whole time, and she absolutely loved my wife. It was probably the most perfect day of my life: I got to solve problems, have my mother remember me and marry my best friend…albeit illegally technically since we didn’t have a marriage license. To this day, we called it our “marriage before God.” My mother passed away 3 weeks after that ceremony. It was pretty devastating.
By the way…we still had our “lavish” wedding to hold, which was still a month away. Her mother and brother wanted NOTHING to do with the wedding, and I was perfectly happy, but I knew she wasn’t. We had a lot of talks leading up to it, and I made sure she always had support, whether it was from me, her bridesmaids, and all of our friends coming together to let her know how much she means to us. Her father was on time and in a suit, so that was already a victory. I later heard that he told her how proud he was of her and how lovely she looked, something he rarely said when she was growing up. He really stepped up to the plate. Our wedding day had just as many calamities as the marriage before God, which includes a very late Bridesmaid, a very cold and windy outdoor ceremony and a very hot and sweaty reception. Oh, and my wife’s mother texting her on the wedding day how disrespectful she and her friends are, and how she’s “guilty” for not being a “good enough daughter.” This really pissed my wife off, and it led to her FINALLY going NC with her. But that text came well after our wedding ended, and it was the most perfect day we’ve ever had. I love my wife so much and what she did for my mother and I will make me do anything to make her happy for the rest of our lives.
Just goes to show not to let negative people ruin your life…even if they gave birth to you.