Giant couples story

Long story short, my mother is dying of ovarian cancer, probably in the next couple days. There is no will as far as I know. She has some money in savings and checking, and a car. No debts that I'm aware of. My older brother is a diagnosed schizophrenic, homeless, and meth and weed user, and unfortunately she was completely responsible for his finances, despite me pleading her for ages to get him a fiduciary. He gets social security for his disability. In my aunts words, handing him any money from her would be like handing him a loaded gun. I'm not sure what to do here. He does have a case manager but she's not been very helpful with the whole situation. I'm wondering what my options and responsibilities are and how to handle all this. State is AZ if that matters.

For a further back story…my dad and I had a rocky relationship and all that ended back when I was 15…I lied to him about something and he pulled over in the car and slammed me on his car and began suffocating me, the memories are somewhat blurry but I remember him slamming my head against his tire and kept doing so until he calmed down…we fast forward a couple of years and at age 19 I found myself feeling stressed about college and lit up a blunt of marijuana at night,m. My dad found out and confronted me however things escalated when he tried to grab my neck and suffocated me, my mind rewinded to when I was 15 and I fought him off me. I remember running to the front and him trying to grab me and I somewhat juked him out to get away down the street. I remember running down an alley behind our house when I suddenly see headlights reflecting the outline of my body…yes you can guess who it was…my father and he proceeded to try to run me over with his car i remember him speeding up and i remember jumping into someone’s back yard to avoid getting run over…as the years roll by I’m at age 22 feeling nothing but anger and resentment to him. My step mom has been nothing but sweet to me but she doesn’t truly see my dad for what he is. When he put his hands on me when I was 15 she was the one who separated him from me and told him she couldn’t be with someone who does that to his children and he yelled saying don’t intervene between me and my child and that night he tried to run me over unfortunately she didn’t see what he tried to do. I realize I’ve made mistakes but I never felt comfortable being able to open up to him as a child based off how he’d react and to make things even worse he’s one of those judgmental trump loving republicans (I am black btw) but I find myself wondering how someone who’s a believer in God can beat do that to their son at a young age and perform attempted vehicular manslaughter

i recently posted on my close friends/private story about my preference for they/them pronouns. after a really jarring personal experience, i was just fed up and wanted to tell them. one of my closest friends saw it while we were hanging out and asked me about it while drunk. she’s always been super supportive of my queerness (though, at times, a bit ignorant), and i didn’t foresee any issue with it—especially since she works with multiple nonbinary people and has had no problem.
i confirmed that i would like her to use they/them pronouns for me. she said she would, but since then, she hasn't used them once. i thought it was because she was drunk when she found out and she forgot. after a couple of weeks, though, she brought it up (i was too uncomfortable to say anything), and apologized. she let me know that she’s been trying and will try harder. i just kind of laughed it off and said it’s fine because i thought it would be okay now.
that was a couple weeks ago, and nothing has changed. today we were playing a game with one of her trans friends and she used the correct pronouns for him and his nonbinary partner but not for me.
i don’t want to make things awkward—i’ve only shared this with my close friends and i have a really hard time talking about it still (trying to find a good therapist to help with this).
it just makes me feel that she and everyone else will always see me as the gender i was assigned at birth, and that i should stop trying to make them believe anything different. if i can’t even get a close friend to see me that way, then how will anyone else? i don’t want to force people to refer to me a certain way, i thought just asking would be enough.
i know the answer is to talk to her bout it but i’m just discouraged and i feel like there’s no point—we’ve already discussed it multiple times, i don’t know what i did wrong

Thanks to all the hoopleheads who commented on my review of the Deadwood movie yesterday (linked below for anyone curious). With the exception of a couple limey cocksuckers, I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on the film and gained an appreciation for certain parts of the movie.
There is one major character from the movie I didn't talk about though and that's because I think she deserves her own spotlight, sadly due to just how badly her character and storyline were written.
Calamity Jane is a tragic character in the Deadwood tv series. Spouting some of the most vulgar and hilarious lines in a show filled with hilarious vulgarity, Jane was nevertheless often an object of the viewer's pity due to her chronic and debilitating alcoholism stemming largely from her undeserved self-loathing. By the end of season three, while still not nearly out of the woods that is her addiction, Jane has found some semblance of happiness after rediscovering her passion for caring for others following Mose's shooting, interacting with the school children, and falling in love with Joanie Stubbs.
Jane's addiction (great band) and self loathing stemmed from two demons, as far as I see it: a misplaced desire to be what she could never be - a gun-toting, fearless cowboy of the fabled American West - and a rejection of who she really was - a woman with a nurturing soul but also with some tendencies seen as more traditionally masculine at a time when society's definition of what it meant to be a proper woman was extremely confining. By both falling in love with Joanie and accepting her nurturing nature, Jane both finally dispelled the misbegotten notion that she should be seen as a brave cowboy and also accepted who she really was.
Jane's story line was my favorite because, while my own maturation and self-realizations have been entirely different, similar to Jane my own self-acceptance didn't come after some dramatic event or grand realization. Life simply continued and I was lucky to finally mature enough to accept and love myself for who I am.
And then there's the movie, and not only is Jane's story line a simple rehash of S3 (a complaint made many times by many people about many of the characters) it fundamentally misunderstands what made her storyline satisfying. Fast forwarding past her contrived and rehashed love story with Joanie, Jane heroically shoots Harry Manning just as he was about to treacherously shoot Bullock to free Hearst.
I understand that Harry's assassination attempt mirrors the assassination of Wild Bill Hickock by the coward Jack McCall, lending Jane's rescue some poetic justice, but the idea that Jane's character arc would come to a satisfying conclusion by heroically shooting someone for all the town to see fundamentally misunderstands what was needed for her to find true happiness - self-acceptance not some bold display of traditional cowboy heroics - and what made her character a truly hopeful one by the end of the series.
The image I choose to keep of Jane is of her walking hand in hand with Joanie, leading the children to their new school. She's drunk, she still has her demons, but she's finding her place and learning not to be ashamed of it.
But instead of a nuanced character study with an understated ending that shows an incredible understanding and compassion for the human condition like what we got in the tv show, the movie gives us something pretty. Jane gets to be the heroic cowboy like some 1950's western tv show. In my opinion, this is a misguided way to wrap up a complicated, hilarious, and tragic character arc that had so beautifully shown that real happiness doesn't come from some dramatic display or event like we often imagine, but rather the quiet maturation that comes with learning to love yourself.
Thanks for reading my review. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, and as always those who disagree with me suck cock by choice. https://www.reddit.com/deadwood/comments/1crone3/longtime_fan_of_the_show_who_only_just_watched/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

May everyone in there life has faced a hard time in there life . Same goes with me . I was born in middle-class family in Nepal .. our family members has a big believe at me . As a only child I got love , care and support from my family members . Let me explain about too. My name is Ritu Shrestha . Talking about my personality I don't talk with many people nor I have many friends . I am a introvert kind of person . Thing incident happened with me . When I use to study at grade 9 .I was quite a brilliant student . Date:Magh 16 . that day was my birthday .. As everyone in the class thought of telling a paranormal story . I was also quite interested in stuff like that .. although I never believe nor saw any ghost at my whole life . After this incident everything changed .. After the school completed I was returning back .. When I went inside my house .. I saw my mom and dad crying .. when I came inside they looked at me in a creepy way .. I also was shocked after seeing them .. boz at this time my parents should be at office .. I didn't asked them a single word and went in my room . But I realised that my parents were still watching me in a creepy way .. I went inside my room and closed the door .. I was scared of their behaviour . As I was going to change my clothes I heard a strange noise outside .. I opened and saw my parents sitting in sofa .. my father told me to make a milk tea .. I hurried and made him the tea as fast as possible .. But when I gave him the tea . He told me to put the tea at the table .. I took my phone which was in charged . As I was moving towards my room .. I saw a call in my phone and pick it up .. There was my mom in the phone .. she told me that they were going to my uncle house .. When I heard that I collapsed .. As I turned my head . I saw my father and mother watching me and smiling in a creepy way .. As I looked at them . My father stood up and looked at me I realised that my father eye has turned black .. As he told me in a creepy sound " Come to your father " .. I was fricked out and hurriedly closed the door .. Both of my parent were banging the door .. And shouting " Open the door sweetie " But as they got louder and louder .. my parents voice turned into a veryyyy loud and creepy voice . I hurried and called my parents .. But I realize I don't have balance to call back .. So I hurried and called the cops .. The lock on the door was also going to broke . Lucky the call was picked by a officer .. he asked me " what happened " ..I didn't have any word to tell .. so I shouted " Help Help me plzz😭😭 .. In a hurry I told him my address .. but before I would complete the full sentence .. The door opened . And my eyes went blank .. After a while I was in my bed .. There were cops . My parents were outside .. As they saw me waking up they came running to me and asked what happened .. I just told them a lie .. that was a theft .. As my parents were talking to the cops .. I saw towards the table and saw a cup .. As I realized .. I saw a shadow towards the hallway .. After that incident I went to my sister house to living . For couple of days. RIGHT now .. I study at grade 12 but that days still Hunt me .. Till now I haven't forgot those creepy sound .. and smile at there face ..
This is me Arces signing off

Hey there, welcome to my little post that probably won't be so little past this point, but thank you for reading as much as you do. I'm known amongst my friends as the over-explainer, so I apologize for the forthcoming novel. If you want to skip most of it, just read the first bit of each bullet point, that should do it.
Age wise, I'm looking for someone between 27 and 34, preferably. Also, I tend to be a night owl, so I sleep during a good portion of the day, and am up at night, so responses may be slow at times.
To begin, some things about myself:

• I'm here to make a friend or two, that maybe grows into something more. I don't care where you are from, though I am a sucker for an accent that isn't from the US. Realistically, at this point in my life, I'm old and tired, and know that it just doesn't magically happen for some people. I don't expect to fall in love immediately, I just want someone to enjoy my hobbies with together, and theirs in turn. It's 2024, the world is going to shit and back, and I just want to find someone I can click with.
  
• I'm friendly with pretty much anyone of any ethnicity, creed, chosen identification of gender or the inbretween and so on, unless they give me a reason not to be. That usually happens when they decide to be an ass to anyone I care about or myself, try to shove their ideals down my throat, or are clearly just not a good person (this is subjective, but sometimes you just.. you know, get the feeling someone might skin you and turn you into a lamp).
  
• I'm non-religious and pretty apolitical. I wasn't raised religious and will never be, but am perfectly fine with people believing in anything they want, as long as those ideals or beliefs aren't enforced on myself. Politics wise, I kind of agree with some things on either side, but mostly just don't care. In my experience, politics ruin relationships, friendships, and so much more, just because people as a whole are stubborn.
  
• I do NOT have my entire life together, plain and blunt. I was in a relationship for a long time that ended very dramatically and poorly, and all of the plans I had to move and so on were crushed, so I'm still getting my actual life together. I'm over the relationship and have moved on mentally and such, just haven't gotten everything else entirely in line. I can explain more if asked, I won't hide anything at all, as that isn't how things work. This doesn't mean I don't have a job and freeload, it just means I'm not a rich dude who owns his own home and will buy you everything you need. It's 2024, most people are struggling.
  
• My hobbies are varied, but mostly encompass gaming (PC, no mobile or console anymore), reading novels, listening to audiobooks at work, binging movies/shows/animes, and roleplaying, be it Discord, in a game (I'm an old WoW RP nerd), or D&D. I'm a huge sci-fi and fantasy nerd. I just love writing and telling a story with someone that can match and challenge my own ability to write. I also probably know too much backstory for the smallest of things in many fandoms and universes, and if it's something I don't know, I tend to absorb it quickly if it interests me.
  
• I'm pretty healthy for the most part. I don't smoke, cigarettes or weed, and while I don't care if people do, I'd prefer if it wasn't your entire lifestyle. Vaping also doesn't bother me as much, but I'd prefer if you just didn't really feel the need to murder your lungs, you know? You need them to keep hanging out with me! I do drink a bit here and there, but I'm far from an achoholic. I grew up with a few bartendresses in my close family, and so I just grew to enjoy a couple cold ones, or a wild and weird mixed drink.
  
• I'm not the most physically fit person right now. I'm not bound to a scooter and spend all day laboring for each breath, but the last few years have been a bit rough on me with depression and other things. That said, I am in the process of starting to work out again, because I've grown tired of not doing that sort of thing anymore.
  

That was probably more than I should have typed, and if you made it this far, thank you. I know it's a lot, but I'd rather show the kind of person I am and explain a bit (a lot) about myself, than put two sentences and pretend that's enough to satisfy me. Most people won't read this fadon't care about a wall of text, but those of you that manage to are the kind of people that would probably put up with me.
If you are interested at all, feel free to send me a chat request, or a message on here. I have Reddit on mobile, and will respond as soon as I can!

This story was written and emailed to me by an anonymous source. And it’s one of the craziest most bizarre stories I’ve ever read. Ever! 😆 Enjoy the read. It’s long and ridiculously wild. ☘️ Also, in advance, no one can use this story. These stories are written and emailed to me for me to turn into a Video Narrative for my YouTube & TikTok channels. But I would like to share their tales as reading material as well. Thank you for understanding.
I hope you enjoy. 🫶
Story by - “Alex” & “Shane”
Okay so…
I went on vacation to Ireland with my brother last year. And had the most wildest experience of my life there.
Or should I say, we both had the most…wildest experience.
But More so me. And to Tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ll ever go back again after what happened.
As a matter of fact, no, I won’t go back.
So, it’s a Sunday night and it was pretty much our last day of vacationing.
My older brother Shane, wanted to go out… And I’m quoting him - “let’s get fuckin wasted tonight!”
So… We’re on vacation right? Why not? We had rented an Airbnb for the week, we had a rental car - we had a great week so far and we were having…
A proper vacation.
He was already dressed up and ready to go. I wanted to take a quick shower and shave so I told him to head out and I’d call him when I was ready for him to pick me up.
He says cool. He leaves, and I jump in the shower. He’s the one that knows the hot spots in Ireland better than I do. I mean, this was my first time ever coming here. So…
I take a shower, shave, and I get dressed. As I’m about to call my brother, the front door to our Airbnb opens up.
And Its my brother with two bad ass Irish women! They both jump on the couch and they’re laughing their asses off and my brother is just standing there looking at me with a sly grin on his face.
He looks over at the ladies and says - “Give me a minute please” walks over to me, puts his arm over my shoulder and walks me to the bathroom. He then whips out a bag of mushrooms and smiles. Ya know… The psychedelic kind.
I look down at the bag and I shake my head.
He says to me - “come on bro. We got two hotties out there who are trippin and they want to party. Don’t be a flake. This is our last night. Let’s make it special.”
I don’t like disappointing my brother but I was kind of hesitant.
I opened the bathroom door and take a look at these gorgeous women who were both sitting upright now and both looking at me as I opened the door. Both smiling. I smiled back. Closed the door… I looked at my brother and said - “Alright dood fuck it! Let’s do it!”
He gives me a huge hug, kisses me on the forehead, pours me a handful of shrooms and does the same for himself.
We both looked at each other to see who would go first. He counted to three and down the hatch they went. But they were the most unpleasant tasting mushrooms I’ve ever eaten in my life. They were disgusting.
I ran to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of juice because I was having a hard time chewing these nasty things.
But my brother Shane? No, he’s a pro. You give that guy a barrel of hay and he’ll eat it faster than a horse. The guy can eat anything.
40 minutes go by and I’m still straight as a pin. However, my brother on the other hand? He’s already trippin.
I think he had already taken some beforehand.
But in the next 10 minutes… These shrooms hit me like a ton of bricks! It was like this intense wave of cool and hot went completely through my body.
And I’ve taken mushrooms quite a few times but have never felt anything like this before. It was so sudden!
And I feel fantastic!
The next hour went by so fast because we were having so much fun! And these Irish girls? Man… I had the sexiest one! A beautiful Redhead by the name of Katrina.
She was kind of short though. About 5’1” maybe? But good things come in small packages, right? Well, not really. And you’ll know why soon enough.
I don’t recall anything else that happened for the rest of the night after my brother left with the other girl. And before I continue with the rest of the story. My brother’s name is really not Shane. And the redhead girl I was with is not named Katrina.
You see I had to make up these names to protect me and my brother. Because what happened during the rest of the night? I don’t remember. But also, I’ll never forget either.
Okay so, let's get back to the story…
I do remember my brother leaving with… Let's just call her Gloria, Katrina’s friend? And me and Katrina, the redhead, stood behind. I do remember us making out in the bathroom together, but…Everything else after that? There’s nothing there. Nothing. I don’t recall anything from that point forward no matter how badly I try to remember.
This is what my brother told me he witnessed as he arrived back at the Airbnb five hours later with Gloria.
And until this day, I still don’t want to believe this happened. But according to my brother…
It truly did happen.
My brother is going to write this part of the story because he’s the one that has this locked in his memory for life. And for the sake of the story, my name will be Alex.
Here is my brother Shane’s point of view - his perspective on what he witnessed that crazy night. Wow man… This is so fucking nuts. So buckle up and be prepared. I understand you don’t know who I am, but I swear, I’m not a bad person. Okay.

• “Shane’s” story on what he witnessed.

Yeah so, I guess I’m Shane now. Unreal…
Okay. Here we go. Meat and potatoes.
We arrive back at the Airbnb and I see Alex outside in the front of the house wearing only socks and he’s running around on top of the grass like an animal yanking out handfuls of grass from underneath him.
I look at Gloria and we’re both baffled at what we just saw.
First thing I said was - “Oh yeah! This dood is off his rocker right about now - as I parked the car.
We both hop out of the car and walk up to the front door. I slide the key into the door, it unlocks, but there’s a chair behind the door and it’s tipped over blocking the entry way and only leaving enough space for a crack. We both awkwardly look at one another and as I’m about to call out for my brother, I hear someone sprinting towards the door and bang!
The fuckin idiot shuts the door on us.
I then knock on the door softly because It’s almost 1 in the morning as I don’t want to make too much noise. God only knows what this kid has been doing since me and Gloria left.
After I knock on the door a few times, I hear the chair getting pushed to the side and my brother slightly opens the door. I take a peek inside, and his nose is broken, lips are bubbled up and his left eye is completely shut, black and blue and swollen.
He then drops to his knees, and begins crying but no sound is coming out of him! You know… Like when you get smacked by your parents when you’re a kid and it shocks the soul of you? Yeah, that kind of cry.
I don’t react to what he’s doing to not scare the shit out of Gloria, because she’s right beside me. So I push the door open and tell Gloria to hang on a second and shut the door and lock it.
I pick his busted ass up and sit him on the couch. I look around the house and it’s in complete shambles. Our clothes are everywhere, there’s food all over the fuckin walls. It was chaotic. And my brother is now sitting up breathing frantically.
I ask him - “what in the fuck happened?”
He looks at me. Face looking like he got into a boxing match with Rocky Marciano and whispers to me.
“Dood… There’s a leprechaun in the bathroom.”
“A fuckin what now?” - I said with the most bewildered look on my face. I mean I must have… I wish I would have taken a picture of my face at that very moment. I should have taken pictures of everything so this idiot could see the havoc he wreaked on that night.
My imbecile brother continues - “I’m telling you. There’s a fuckin leprechaun in the fuckin bathroom and this little lucky charms motherfucker won’t tell me where he hid the gold!”
“A leprechaun in the bathroom. What the fuck happened to you?” I said as I felt my blood beginning to boil.
The Imbecile then says - “Don’t worry. Don’t worry! I hogtied that little bitch and stuffed my underwear in its mouth. It’s in the bathtub. But don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. This thing fucked me up!”
And now I can hear someone fumbling in the bathroom moaning very softly. I looked at my brother and said - “What in the fuck did you do Alex?”
He replies - “I’m telling you. It’s a fucking leprechaun.”
“Okay. Okay.” - I said. “Stay right here and just, don’t move. Don’t do anything. Just keep still.
His eyes were so huge and dilated. He was so fuckin high. He had heartbeat pulses pumping from the top of his head.
I rushed back over to the front door and told Gloria that my brother got into a fight with a couple of guys at a pub while me and her were out and that her friend Katrina left because she got scared. She told me that was the first time she met that girl tonight so she really didn’t care and shrugged it off. Which was a huge relief to me. I told her thank you for a wonderful night. She understood. W said our goodbyes. I shut the door. And now… What the fuck is in the bathroom? Or better yet, who, is in the bathroom? Because let’s face it. This motherfucker did not find and fight with a leprechaun tonight. No way. There’s just no fuckin way.
I rush over to the bathroom and my brother leaps at my legs, and he’s holding onto me for dear life, begging me!
He says - “Please don’t untie it! It’s got magical powers! PLEASE!!!
Now, at this very moment? I am sort of hesitant about opening the bathroom door. But I snap out of it and open it. What the fuck. A leprechaun? No, I don’t think so.
I open the door…
“Holy shit.” - I said while covering my hands with my mouth. The floor was smeared in blood as if someone was dragged, leading to the huge cast iron tub. Smeared bloody handprints were all over the tub. And now I hear the faint moan coming from the tub. My legs are shaking and feel like they’re ready to give out on me. I was scared shitless.
“What did my brother do? Who is in that bathtub? I pray to God Katrina isn’t in there right now.” - I said to myself completely freaked out.
I slowly walk up to the bathtub…
And sure enough, there is a hogtied person lying in it with my brother's underwear stuffed in their mouth with a ripped t-shirt tied around their head and mouth, but… It’s not Katrina.
It’s a little person. You know, a dwarf? And… He’s literally dressed up in a leprechaun costume…
And how, on God's green earth did he end up here?
He has no idea I’m standing above him. I reach down to begin untying him but he begins squirming and screaming. I told him to relax and that I was here to help him.
And then My imbecile brother Alex, rushes into the bathroom and tackles me down. Stands up and begins shouting at this poor bastard hogtied in the tub - “Tell me where it is you greedy little fuck! Tell me!!!
I jumped to my feet and slapped my brother back to his childhood. Grabbed him by the throat, tripped him and threw him to the ground and said - “are you fuckin crazy? Do you want to go to prison for kidnapping? What in the fuck is the matter with you? You dumb fuck!!”
He then looks up at me with this pessimistic look on his face and says - “It’s a fucking leprechaun dood. A leprechaun.”
I was absolutely dumbfounded and furious at this point. I have this stranger in my Airbnb rental, hogtied and gagged and squirming and screaming and my brother thinks that he’s a leprechaun…
I can’t make this shit up.
He was so fucking high on those mushrooms. He was absolutely convinced that this man was a leprechaun. So… I had to play the game.
It was the only way to help this poor son of a bitch that my brother had kidnapped and hogtied in our Airbnb rental.
I calmly whispered and told him to please leave the bathroom so I could interrogate the leprechaun and find out where he was hiding the pot of gold.
My brother slowly stood up to his feet, face busted up, his cock and balls all shriveled and tight, looked at the man dressed up as a leprechaun, smiled at him with an evil grin and just, walked away…
And as he walked away, I told him to go and please put some clothes on, lay down in bed, and that I would handle the leprechaun. That I, would find out where the gold was hidden…
And that’s all I’m saying. I’m giving the computer back to my dumbass of a brother to finish off whatever else he wants to write.

• Back to “Alex”

Pretty outlandish right? I know. I know. You must think that I’m bat shit crazy huh? Okay so, to make the rest of this long story short, my brother Shane never told me what he did with the poor guy I hogtied and, well… i don’t remember how this guy came to be in my possession. I really don’t.
The only thing my brother Shane told me was that he ungagged him, untied him, and that he was extremely pissed off. And that he had compensated him for his troubles.
Man, I felt so horrible. I felt so horrible…
What I do remember though is waking up that following afternoon with my face all fucked up. Dehydrated with a tremendous splitting headache. I had no clue as to why I looked and felt the way I did. It was terrifying.
All of our luggage was packed and my brother was just sitting there, legs crossed and his arms folded.
Hey man… Take it from me. Don’t do fuckin drugs.
Regards, “Alex” & “Shane”
Disclaimer- This story may not be used for anything other than reading, sharing your thoughts and enjoying it. It is now protected by the United States Library of Congress/Copyright Office. Thank you. ☘️

I think, I think, it was an R.L Stein book, or maybe a similar author.
Basically the plot is a girl runs away from home after she finds her boyfriend laid up with her best friend and picks up two hitchhikers; a man and a woman. She's telling her story and they're telling a story of another tragic couple (which IIRC turned out to actually be them but different names). But it turns out she didn't actually run away from home she'd actually attempted....to ride the sewerslide, if you will, and was in some form of Purgatory?
I don't know but it's been driving me nuts for days and there is SO. MANY. R.L Stein books.

I am impossible to comfort or console. I’m inaccessible, unreachable, and nothing helps. My online friends try and they can’t do anything so they just have to either deal with me self isolating or being too depressed (or busy having a meltdown) to really talk and hang out with them. I don’t play the video games they do, they’ve tried to get me into them and I end up walking away from my computer because I’m immediately bored and I just let myself disconnect. They can’t offer ideas like for me to drink some tea and to breathe or to have a favourite snack because I don’t like tea and I don’t like 90% of the food pyramid. They hate that they can’t help me because I’ve comforted them before in the past, not recently of course, but I’ve reassured them, listened to them, gotten them to drink water or have their favourite comfort food and come down from meltdowns when their sky was falling… but none of that I do for them, works for me when they try it.
I have never felt comforted by anyone. When I was a small kid (ages 4-9) if I was upset, I had no one to go to for a hug or anything (not that physical contact didn’t make me panic). And usually most times I was upset as a kid, it was most likely because I’d gotten in trouble for something and dad beat me and locked me in my room. If I was still upset and crying when he apologised, I got screamed er some more and beat some more and then locked in the room for even longer until I was ‘over my shit’.
Pre-K, if I was upset and crying and didn’t immediately stop crying because they said to, I got yelled at and sent to the corner. Usually for the entire school week.
I was never comforted after. I was never consoled after. I just got yelled at and then the pre-k teacher would lie to my dad and say I stuck my tongue out at her, accused me of calling her a dummy (scandalous), etc… and then I’d get beaten at home wooooooo for not being able to ‘behave for a couple hours’ and I was gonna make the school call child protective services.
Idk if this is why I can’t be comforted by anyone… but what am I supposed to do? My friends can’t help me. How do I help me?
I don’t have any hobbies I really care about (as a kid my hobbies were staring at the wall and playing out a really messed up plot line with my toys (when I had toys, they got thrown out when I was 11). It’s hard for me to be engaged in things, I’m always in my head and nothing is enough to distract me or keep me busy. I’m not sure how I can comfort myself since my friend’s can’t as hard as they try.
TW// CSA & suicide.
The story I’d play out was a birthday party. Everyone brought gifts for the birthday girl and everyone had so much fun. They’d play with the ‘toys’ together, on the ‘playground’ and they’d all eat giant sized play food… and then the nonce shows up and his gift is the gift of trauma (he SA’s the birthday girl, aka my stand-in) and he’s beaten up by everyone. He gets arrested and he’s so sad that everyone hates him that he hangs himself. After he does that, everyone loves him again and they feel so sad that he ‘felt like he had to take his life’ and they immediately turn on the birthday girl, they beat her up, arrest her because how dare she? It’s her fault that a man is dead… if she hadnt been born, that man would still be alive. And scene. And I just played that storyline every single time I played with and I was always so afraid dad would find out and he’d accuse me of being a pervert or something.

For a bit of back story, my older sister hasnt really been a part of the family. She has been in boarding schools from middle school till uni and only stays a while to visit. I guess this whole family concept is new to her. She used to be the best older sister. I would always brag to my friends about how preety and smart she is even though ive had some horrible experiences with her. She recently graduated uni and is back at home she is looking for a scolarship in Tokyo for her master's ( that I really hope she gets)
My little sister is really wise and calm for an 11 year old but she also has her complaints about her. My older sister tends to ignore people and then pretend to be nice, valuable or a 'saviour' by baking, cooking and cleaning around. She also pretends to be this really smart person and interrupts laughs or makes rude remarks when trying to prove your point in a debate. I have ADHD which is frustrating for my clean freak little sister that i share a room with as i tend to forget things she asked me to do or leave random things all over the room jumping from task to task. My sister and I always bicker but end up making up and I truly put in effort to keep the room clean. On one of these bickering moments my oldersister came into the room and imediatly took her side and ignored anything i had to say and would directly talk to her like im not in the room "Dont worry just ignore her, we all know she doesnt care about anyone" which makes completly no sense at all but whatever.
Im really smart and everyone knows that biology is a subject I'm good at so when my mum was talking about something and i was explaining it to her from a biological stand I was confused to see her mocking and laughing at me and looking at my little sister who was just as stunned as I was. We got into a debate about whether smoking causes cancer or not and i said that it doesnt but has a correlation to which she indirectly said that I'm 'young and stupid' and we aren't here to argue 'semantics' She then went on to use 'big words' in hopes to make me feel dumb but failed terribly. she asked me if i knew what a certain chemical compound was and when I said no she just went completely out of control with her rude attitude and when i confronted her, she just said that "being rude is the only thing that works with me" I, later on, asked my dad who has a high IQ and is super good at all sciences what that compound is and he had no Idea.
My mom recently bought everyone chocolate. I kept mine in my bag but decided to keep it in the fridge a couple days later. both my sisters had eatten their bars so i was surprised to see that my bar was also missing. Im not a fan of the brand and would have let her eat it if she had asked me. I asked my younger sister if she ate it and she said no, my parents dont like sugar which only leaves her in the home. I found out later that she told my mum I ate mine and some of hers, she is really good at manipulating my mother. I also saw her take my earbuds and use them, I asked her if those were mine to which she replied "I dont know what ur talking about" and then put them on and blasted music. I told her I would appreciate if she asked before using my stuff to which she replied "I dont know what ur talking about" and smirked
The next day I took a chocolate she had gotten for herself and hid it. When she asked me where it was i told her i dint know what she was talking about to which she responded to saying stuff under her breath. He had had a physical fight when i was around 13 and she did some damage there but knew not to mess with me now as im bigger and stronger than she is. she complained to our mum saying that money should be deducted from my pockets. I let her believe i ate her chocolate for an hour to let her know how i feel about her taking my things without my permission then i placed her chocolate on the kitchen counter and accidentally knocked yogurt she put in the freezer and promptly cleaned it up. she saw the spilled yogurt and was jeering at me and flinging all sorts of insults. I didn't care and camly cleaned up the mess. I guess she saw the chocolate because its missing from the counter and people in this house dont just take things that dont belong to them.
I'm starting to seriously not like my sister and I dont know what to do about it. she's not all bad but for a 22-year-old.. this is completely unacceptable. there was a time she decided to go vegan and would call the food in the fridge a "grave yard" when i tried to fry an egg she made a disgusted face and called it "chicken period" she also called any kind of meat "corpses" Im guessing she has grown a little from then but ill never forget that easter break she came over. If you ask her about this she will tell you that she would never say 'such a thing' and that 'the human brain creates false memories' and so thats what i must be going through.
I dont want to dislike her because she is family and i have alot of good memories with her but I also will not tolerate nonsense. AITAH for not liking my sister? or hiding her chocolate? I feel bad "playing God" and making her learn a lesson.

The article is intended primarily for Game Masters who play games in systems inspired by Lovecraft’s works, such as Call of Cthulhu or Delta Green. However, I hope that other fans of cosmic horror will also find something for themselves here. The interesting facts presented here may also be interesting for people who do not know the work of The Loner of Providence, but some of the references may be unclear to them. The article contains several anecdotes – either from real history or from beliefs that exist in the real world, and suggestions on how they can be related to the Cthulhu mythology. So read about:

• Sea Peoples, bane of ancient civilizations,
• a forgotten Eldritch abomination from Greek mythology,
• Jan Twardowski, the first man on the Moon,
• mathematicians and physicists who wanted to know the structure of reality and lost their minds,
• one of the most mysterious characters from the Bible and a dark, occult ritual that underlies monotheism.

Invasion of the Sea Peoples
Ancient, super-advanced, fallen civilizations are one of the favorite motifs of fantasy. And truth be told, something similar happened in real history. Of course, in reality, the fallen civilizations did not have sci-fi supertechnology at their disposal, but their collapse still led to great destabilization. We are talking about the invasion of the so-called Sea Peoples, which took place at the turn of the 13th and 12th centuries BC. The Sea Peoples are mobile and warlike groups of people of unknown origin. They caused the collapse of several advanced cultures, including: Mycenaean and Hittite. Only the Egyptians managed to defeat them in a great battle. Well, the material for Lovecraftian inspiration is obvious. A mysterious army, coming out of nowhere, called the „Sea Peoples”, leading to the fall of the most powerful human civilizations at that time? Let us add that, according to some historians, the descendants of the Sea Peoples destroyed by the Egyptians were the Philistines. Yes, the same Philistines, one of whose main deities was the well-known Dagon to Lovecraftomaniacs… Deep Ones say hello. Let us also add that, according to Egyptian records, the tribes of the Sea Peoples had names such as Ekvesh, Teresh, Lucki, Sherden, Shekelesh, Tekel and Peleset. Sounds suitably dark, blasphemous and filthy? If we want to dig deeper, one of the pharaohs who ruled Egypt was Akhenaten – yes, that heretic who tried to replace the worship of traditional Egyptian gods with the religion of the Aten and who is very much liked by conspiracy theorists. Let’s add to the mix that Middle Eastern cultures had quite a negative attitude towards the sea as such. Babylonian Marduk had to defeat the giant monsters of Chaos – Apsu and Tiamat, personifications of fresh and salt waters, respectively. The Bible also contains traces of the myth about the fight between Yahweh and Leviathan, and the Book of Revelation, describing the new, ideal world, emphasizes that „I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.” Let’s assume that the players are researchers of an antiquity – historians, archaeologists, etc. They conduct research on the Sea Peoples. Of course, as common sense dictates, they assume that these were human warriors. However, as time goes on, more and more evidence appears that they were not completely human again, and the evidence of their monstrosity becomes increasingly difficult to put down to the demonization that Egyptian chroniclers used against their enemies… It becomes clear that an onslaught of inhuman and semi-human monsters came from the sea. , trying to conquer the world of that time. Moreover, after their defeat at the hands of the Egyptians, this species did not become extinct, but instead of open conquest it switched to cautious infiltration. Perhaps the Deep Ones have spies in academia who are tasked with eliminating historians who find the trail of truth…
Oh, one more interesting fact connecting the history of the Sea Peoples with Lovecraft. Well, as we know, HPL liked to use the term „Cyclopean” for huge, monumental buildings. At least he didn’t come up with it himself. Well, when the later (and at first more primitive) inhabitants, the Dorians, saw the ruins of destroyed castles left by the Mycenaean culture, they came to the conclusion that such huge buildings could not have been built by human hands, so they were probably the work of mythical giants – cyclopes.
Typhon – a classic but forgotten abomination
Modern works drawing on Greek mythology usually make Hades (completely senseless) or Kronos (a little more) the Big Bad, but they forget about Zeus’s greatest enemy – Typhon. After defeating the titans and then the gigants, the Olympian gods had to face the main boss on the way to dominating the world – Typhon. Here is an example of its description: It was larger than the largest mountains, its head touched the stars. When he stretched out his hands, one reached the eastern ends of the world and the other reached the western ends. Instead of fingers, he had a hundred dragon heads. From the waist down he had a tangle of vipers (yay, tentacles!) and wings at his shoulders. His eyes were shooting out flames. In other versions of the myth, Typhon was a flying, hundred-headed dragon. In any case – appearance and stature worthy of the Great Old One. Typhon attacked Olympus, and all the gods except Zeus fled in panic. The supreme god took up the fight… and lost it. Only in the second duel did he manage to defeat Typhon, but not kill him – he only imprisoned him, hitting him with Etna. In the sense of a mountain. A volcano – and volcanic activity is the result of Typhon’s anger, trying to break free. Typhon equaled the lord of heaven not only in strength, but in fertility. His wife was Echidna, about whom Hesiod wrote: „She also gave birth to another creature, invincible, huge, unlike neither men nor immortal gods, in a hollow cave – the divine violent Echidna, half a sharp-eyed young girl, with beautiful cheeks, half a huge snake, a great and powerful, spotted, cruel – in the depths of the holy land. This pair spawned many, if not most, of the monsters found in Greek mythology. Their offspring were very diverse and strange, as befits the spawn of enemies of the divine order, including: – Ladon, the hundred-headed dragon who never slept and guarded the apples that gave immortality, – Cerberus – we all know the dog guarding the gates of hell… but not all of us know that, according to some accounts, it had not three heads, but as many as 50, it was also covered with scales, and it had a snake by its tail… so what does this have to do with a dog? – Scylla – this lady inherited the most from the human, beautiful part of Echidna… at least initially, but eventually, as a result of various perturbations, she turned from a beautiful nymph to her siblings, becoming a six-headed sea beast, so hideous, according to Homer, that even the gods could not stand sight of her – she dwelt in a cave, from where she opened her mouth to devour the crews of ships, – Gorgons – I mean, those ladies with snake hair, not monstrous bulls. Medusa was one of them – the story that Athena turned her priestess into a monster as punishment for being raped by Poseidon is an invention of later poets, – Lernaean Hydra – a multi-headed monster with many reptilian or human heads. In place of each severed head, two others grew, and in addition, the main head was completely immortal – therefore, after chopping off the mortal heads, Heracles had to burn the stumps and bury the immortal, still hissing head underground. Hydra’s breath was poisonous. – various other creatures, such as the Sphinx, the dog Ortus, the Nemean Lion or the Chimera. Each of these descendants has the potential to be portrayed as an Eldritch abomination in its own right. To be precise – according to some accounts, the father of these creatures (and Echidna herself) was Typhon, but a monstrous, ancient (older than Poseidon) sea god, Phorcys. How to use Typhon? Well, Typhon clearly has the potential to be a Great Old One, imprisoned by… Nodens? Some other Elder God? Weak gods of humanity? Maybe his cult is trying to free him from Etna? What if he succeeds? What might distinguish Typhon from many other Great Old Ones? I would recommend focusing on his monster progenitor aspect – if he manages to reunite with Echidna, they will immediately start spawning various blasphemous beasts in series.
Jan Twardowski – the first man on the Moon
Jan (John) Twardowski, the hero of the legend, a Polish nobleman who allegedly sold his soul to the devil and became a sorcerer. Probably a historical figure, according to legend he lived in the 16th century and became famous for summoning the spirit of the deceased queen for King Sigismund Augustus. The ghost allegedly appeared in the mirror. This mirror is still kept in the church in Węgrów. According to legend, when the terms of the pact were fulfilled, devils came to kidnap Twardowski to hell. Interestingly, instead of taking the sorcerer’s soul after death, the most material demons appeared and grabbed Twardowski in order to kidnap him bodily, alive… and instead of heading towards the underground, which in legends is considered the traditional place of residence of demons and damned souls, they began to carry away up with him. At some point, Twardowski started singing religious songs, which caused the demons to escape, leaving him on the Moon, where he is said to have stayed ever since. Could the “demons” actually be extraterrestrials? Maybe mi-go? Maybe Twardowski was their agent and obtained secret knowledge and technology from them that gave him the fame of a sorcerer? As part of his studies, did he acquire knowledge of a system of sounds („religious songs”) that was able to drive away his masters when they decided that his usefulness on Earth had ended and it was time to transport him to a space base where he would be transformed into a brain in jar? Or was transportation to the Moon part of the deal from the beginning? Oh, one more interesting fact – according to legends, Twardowski used to use a rooster as a horse, which he enlarged with his magic. It’s easy to imagine an abomination that, in the eyes of laymen, might have resembled a large rooster… Examples of scenario hooks: – Twardowski’s secret mirror is still in the church in Węgrów. The local priest thinks it is just other „pagan” superstitions, but in fact it is a tool enabling contact with cosmic beings and higher realities. It may prove useful to players if they convince the priest to give it back or simply steal it. – Players are looking for Twardowski’s notes to gain knowledge about the „song” thanks to which he drove away mi-go (or other creatures that became the prototype of the „devils” from the legend). The so-called Twardowski’s „School” or „Cathedral” was located in a quarry near Kraków. In fact, at the end of the 19th century, during the construction of the church of St. Józef, a cave showing traces of alchemical experiments was discovered… And it was destroyed. But perhaps there is a second, secret laboratory under the cave that escaped destruction? And there lie Twardowski’s secrets… And again, potential obstacles may be placed by the local parish priest. But not only him. Maybe Twardowski’s legendary „rooster” lies dormant in the laboratory and was left by the sorcerer as a guard? – players are astronauts on the Moon. However, it turns out that someone lives here, someone who was not detected by previous expeditions and probes. Will Twardowski prove to be an ally in the fight against cosmic horrors? Or maybe their agent, or an independent villain? If he survived this long on the Moon thanks to blasphemous secrets, it’s possible that he had little humanity left…
The rest of the text is avalaible (of course, for free) here: https://adeptusrpg.wordpress.com/2024/05/13/some-lovecraftian-inspiration-form-real-life-and-beliefs/

Idk I’m just really numb.It’s like I’m numb,but also feeling a bit of sadness lingering.I’ve been trying to be so positive and putting my energy into things that I enjoy.Loneliness is one of the things that we all deal with as transwomen(at some point in time) but lately I’ve been so infatuated with love,relationships and wanting to find my person.I can honestly say that I’ve only been with one guy that I ever felt loved/cared for me (to a certain extent)
Lately the guys that I’ve been meeting are horrible.A lot of them are physically attractive,but the way they see and treat me is horrible.I’m tired of men just wanting to hook up or have sex with me.I know Cis women deal with this too,but it’s just so excessive that it’s driving me crazy.I just wanna be seen as a person and I want to be seen as someone who deserves genuine love. Like I’m literally at my wits end.I matched with a great guy on a dating app yesterday .We FaceTimed all day.The guy really ended up liking me so much that he wanted to see me in person.I really did plan on telling him that I was trans,but it’s like he kept pushing to see me and I’m just not use to guys wanting to link with me unless it’s about sex…I thought we would at least talk on the phone and txt for a couple of days before deciding to see each other in person.I kept giving him many excuses and telling him I needed more time to get to know and talk to him,but he was so adamant about being in Person.He wasn’t aggressive or forceful. it was actually really endearing and sweet that he wanted to be with me.
Long story short he ended up coming to my house UNANNOUNCED after he got off of work and he was basically saying that if I didn’t come out he was gonna blow the horn(I stay with family rn) At first I thought it was cute until I acc realized that he was in my driveway ☠️ I had no choice bc I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.I didn’t have time to get dolled up or anything! I had on lounge clothes,a robe and my bonnet.I came to his car and talked to him for a min,but I noticed his demeanor changed.He realized I was Trans.It was obvious he felt awkward. I told him that I had to go back in the house before I got caught sneaking out .After that he didnt respond to my txt or my calls.I genuinely wanted to know what was in his head,but I guess now I know.
I say all this because 1. it’s hard when your trans and attrached to cisgendered men 2. The way I feel after getting ignored n presumably blocked🫠It triggered my dysphoria really really bad.I always felt like I was somewhat passable or to the point where I can pull off androgyny,but not a “brick” or masculine looking.I was okay with the way I naturally transitioned,but lately I’ve been thinking about cosmetic procedures.I’m kind of down about the whole thing. :/ idk I just wanted to share that with you guys bc I don’t have any friends that would understand or that’s even awake at this time.

Idk I’m just really numb.It’s like I’m numb,but also feeling a bit of sadness lingering.I’ve been trying to be so positive and putting my energy into things that I enjoy.Loneliness is one of the things that we all deal with as transwomen(at some point in time) but lately I’ve been so infatuated with love,relationships and wanting to find my person.I can honestly say that I’ve only been with one guy that I ever felt loved/cared for me (to a certain extent)
Lately the guys that I’ve been meeting are horrible.A lot of them are physically attractive,but the way they see and treat me is horrible.I’m tired of men just wanting to hook up or have sex with me.I know Cis women deal with this too,but it’s just so excessive that it’s driving me crazy.I just wanna be seen as a person and I want to be seen as someone who deserves genuine love. Like I’m literally at my wits end.I matched with a great guy on a dating app yesterday .We FaceTimed all day.The guy really ended up liking me so much that he wanted to see me in person.I really did plan on telling him that I was trans,but it’s like he kept pushing to see me and I’m just not use to guys wanting to link with me unless it’s about sex…I thought we would at least talk on the phone and txt for a couple of days before deciding to see each other in person.I kept giving him many excuses and telling him I needed more time to get to know and talk to him,but he was so adamant about being in Person.He wasn’t aggressive or forceful. it was actually really endearing and sweet that he wanted to be with me.
Long story short he ended up coming to my house UNANNOUNCED after he got off of work and he was basically saying that if I didn’t come out he was gonna blow the horn(I stay with family rn) At first I thought it was cute until I acc realized that he was in my driveway ☠️ I had no choice bc I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.I didn’t have time to get dolled up or anything! I had on lounge clothes,a robe and my bonnet.I came to his car and talked to him for a min,but I noticed his demeanor changed.He realized I was Trans.It was obvious he felt awkward. I told him that I had to go back in the house before I got caught sneaking out .After that he didnt respond to my txt or my calls.I genuinely wanted to know what was in his head,but I guess now I know.
I say all this because 1. it’s hard when your trans and attrached to cisgendered men 2. The way I feel after getting ignored n presumably blocked🫠It triggered my dysphoria really really bad.I always felt like I was somewhat passable or to the point where I can pull off androgyny,but not a “brick” or masculine looking.I was okay with the way I naturally transitioned,but lately I’ve been thinking about cosmetic procedures.I’m kind of down about the whole thing. :/ idk I just wanted to share that with you guys bc I don’t have any friends that would understand or that’s even awake at this time.

everyone knows the story
girl added me on snap, we exchanged nudes (i know, dumb), and they threatened to send it to all of my instagram followers sending screenshots of my followers list and everything.
this happened a couple weeks ago and i ended up sending them like close to $1k. they have messaged me in instagram on multiple accounts but ive just ignored them. but then my friend sent me a screenshot of him asked them to ask me to talk to them. i am just really scared because he can clearly contact my friends but i don’t want to send any more money but i dont want my stuff to get leaked.
i did also lock down all my social media’s right after he revealed he wasn’t who i thought he was

First time reader of Wolfe and I'm having an amazing time working my way through shadow and claw. I had to read this chapter a couple times to try and grasp it; it's extremely dense. I'm still finishing Claw of the Concilliator so my thoughts may change. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
The Tale of the Student and His Son Analysis
“Once, upon the margin of the unpastured sea, there stood a city of pale towers.”

• The unpastured sea evokes Hamlet “the undiscovered country” death and the unconscious. Pale refers obviously to a light color but also feebleness. However, a tower symbolizes wisdom and stability and the balance of forces (light and dark, fire and water, order and chaos). Wolfe is already painting this city in contradiction.

“In it dwelt the wise. Now that city had both law and curse.”

• Another symbol of duality: loss and gain. The wise give the law but simultaneously curse the city.

“The law was this: That for all who dwelt there, life held but two paths: they might rise among the wise and walk clad with hoods of myriad colors, or they must leave the city and go into the friendless world.”

• Here’s another contradiction: the wise wear myriad colors symbolizing their acceptance of all, but their law is built on exclusion, a brotherhood without.

“Now one there was who had studied long all the magic known in the city, which was most of the magic known in the world”

• The magicians study pan (all). They are comparative mythologists, occultists, Jungians, etc. (This, ironically, is Wolfe). Pan in Greek mythology is a cloven foot and horned god that plays the “pan flute”, and is associated with nature and sex. He is often accompanied by nymphs.

“And he grew near the time at which he must choose a path. In high summer, when flowers with yellow and careless heads thrust even from the dark walls overlooking the sea.”

• High summer is a reference to the “dog days” of summer. In ancient Greece, this was the hottest and most uncomfortable part of summer. It’s called the “dog days” because it coincides with the heliacal rising of Sirius in the constellation Canis Major. Furthermore, the Greeks believed the luminous Sirius (from seiros: scorching) caused the extra hot days. I mention this because it relates to the alzabo which in the Lexicon Urthus is from the archaic Arabic “al-dhi’b” which refers to a wolf, a jackal, or a star in Canis Major.

“How may I - even I who know nothing - have a place among the wise of the city? For I wish to study spells that are not sacred all my days, and not go into the friendless world to dig and carry for bread”

• Another paradoxical and ironic statement: he’s been studying all his life, but knows nothing. A Socratic kind of wisdom but also represents spiraling madness. Critically, he wants to study non-sacred spells; he turns away from the divine.

“ Do you recall how, when you were hardly more than a boy, I taught you the art by which we flesh sons from dream stuff? How skillful you were in these days, surpassing all the others! Go now, and flesh such a son, and I will show it to the hooded ones, and you will be as we.”

• Groomer! And if Wolfe is trying to evoke ancient Greece with this story, it’s well-founded that older Athenian men would often indulge their passion for youth. This would explain the use of the carnal word “flesh” to describe the creative process. Sex magic is a common occult practice and is certainly non-sacred. The passing of seasons represents the cyclical nature of trauma and abuse.
• Wolfe uses very unsettling language: “And the old man who had taught him thought of the beauty of the trees that had for so many years delighted his eyes like the white limbs of women.”

“Winter came stalking into the land from his frozen capital, where the sun rolls along the edge of the world like a trumpery gilded ball and the fires that flow between the stars and Urth kindle the sky. His touch turned the waves to steel, and the city of the magicians welcomed him, hanging banners of ice from its balconies and heaping its roofs with glaces of snow.”

• Perhaps a reference to Saturnalia but does not follow the ancient Greece theme. Saturnalia occurred near the winter solstice because the sun enters Capricorn, the astrological house of Saturn, at that time. Capricorn fits in with the Pan imagery as it too is a goat-like being.
• Saturn represents the cyclical course of time and season (Greek equivalent Chronos). Saturn would regularly devour his own children; this fits into the aforementioned cycle of trauma.
• Saturn is often represented with a sickle: a symbol of mankind’s partial control over the natural world.

“In spring, the most beautiful maidens of the city, the daughters of the magicians, were clothed in green; and while the soft winds of spring teased their golden hair, they walked unshod through the portal of the city, and down the narrow path that led to the quay, and boarded the black-sailed ship that waited them. And because of their golden hair, and their gowns of green faille, and because it seemed to the magicians that they were reaped like grain, they were called Corn Maidens.”

• Here the sickle imagery is introduced directly. The Corn Maidens are human sacrifices, but are compared to grain and corn; sent into the “unpastured sea.”

“Looking from his window saw the maidens filing by, he set aside all his books and began to draw such figures as no man had ever seen, and to write in many languages, as his master had taught him aforetime.”

• Is this not what Wolfe does in his writing? He constantly appropriates ancient words from forgotten languages to do his “magic.”

“ At first it seemed to him that all the skill his master had taught him of old had deserted him, for from the first light to the moonlight he was alone in his chambers save for the moth that fluttered sometimes to show the insignia of Death at his undaunted candle flame.

• More meta stuff: writer's block
• A moth showing the insignia of death is an interesting comparison. This moth could be interpreted as the final stage of metamorphosis before death. It could also refer to the Bombyx Mori, the silk moth. Mori in this sense means mulberry, but mori can also mean death (as in memento mori). The silkworm has a similar symbology to the scythe in that it represents man’s control of nature. This is the domesticated version of the silkworm that relies completely on humans for its survival and is genetically modified to promote silk production. This reflects the city’s practice of human farming and sacrifice.

“Then there crept into his dreams another; and he, knowing who that other was, welcomed him, though the dreams were fleeting and soon forgotten.”

• The Irony here is that although he works tirelessly practicing his magic, he only summons the being when he is not working, asleep and unconscious. He welcomes this being into his mind. “He heard the step, always in another room” He’s unable to pinpoint this being’s being; he can only pinpoint its secondary effects. As he continues his magic, the aftereffects become increasingly pronounced until finally the illusory becomes real. Milton describes hell as “darkness visible.” I think Wolfe is going for a similar effect here.

“Then the student dared turn himself where he sat, and he saw standing before him a youth haughty of port, wide of shoulder, and mighty of thew. Command was in his firm mouth, knowing wit in his bright eyes, and courage in all his face. Upon his brow sat that crown that is invisible to every eye, but can be seen even by the blind; the crown beyond price that draws brave men to a paladin, and makes weak men brave.

• The student’s creation terrifies him, but he doesn’t want to show his fear.
• “Haughty of port” meaning prideful with an air of superiority. Going back to Milton: “round he (Satan) throws his baleful eyes, that witnessed huge affliction and dismay, mixed with obdurate pride and steadfast hate.” Classic Luciferian pride.
• Contrary to popular depictions of Satan, he is one of God’s highest creations: “Whoever he is, the “Devil” is among the very first and best creatures of God. He is, so to speak, perfect enough, wise enough, powerful enough, one can almost say divine enough, to know God and not to surrender to him - to know him and yet opt against him, to desire freedom from him. But since this freedom is impossible in the love and light which always lead to God and to a free surrender to him, it must of necessity be fulfilled in negation, hatred, and rebellion.” (Alexander Schmemann). Satan is God’s highest creation but he is the most base, he is wise yet chooses irrationality, in Wolfe’s description he wears the invisible crown that all see. Satan is an ironic, paradoxical, and tragic figure.
• Milton also describes Satan as a commander

“Often I have seen, like a green serpent called by the notes of a pipe, a column of green slip down the cliff below our city to the quay.”

• Again Wolfe uses Miltonian imagery: “Thus they Breathing united force with fixed thought moved on in silence to soft pipes that charmed Their painful steps O’er the burnt soil.” Both descriptions suggest a snake charmer playing his pipes.
• This connects Satan and Pan: pan pipes as well as ostensible concern for his nymphs

“At this the young man’s eye flashed, and he demanded: ‘Who is this ogre, and what form has he, and where does he dwell?’”

• The ogre is the beast and the minotaur that lives in the west. The West is another symbol of death and the unconscious.

“His name no man knows, for no man can approach near enough…His harbor is an isle to the west, where a channel with many a twist and bend, dividing and redividing, reaches far inland. It is on the isle, so my lore teaches me, that the Corn Maidens are made to dwell; and there he rides at anchor in the midst of them, turning his eye ever to left and right to watch them in their despair.”

• Does no man know its name because no one has discovered it or because it doesn’t exist? Or are both the same?
• Eye of Sauron reference. Masonic all-seeing eye which masons say represents the omnipresence and omniscience of God, but, in reality, represents an all-powerful control system that constrains mankind. When Severian first goes against his guild he says of his fellow torturers: “ I saw them as powerful, the active principle of an inimical and nearly perfect machine.” Severian first realizes that Nessus is a vast control mechanism; the torturers are a gear in the infernal machine.
  
• The beast lies in the labyrinth. The twisting and bending channels describe a labyrinthine structure without directly calling it a labyrinth. When Domnina first observes Father Inire’s mirrors: “She ran to the curtains hoping to find another door behind them, but as soon as she pulled one aside, one of the eight walls painted with labyrinths opened and Father Inire stepped out. Behind him she saw what she called a bottomless hole filled with light.” Wolfe is trying to show that the beast, the control mechanism, is tied to these mirrors.
  
• The young man fleshed from dreams relates to the fish fleshed from reflected light in Father Inire’s mirrors. They are both paradoxical creations; how can one create reality from the virtual (dream stuff and mere reflections)? The fish is clearly a reference to Christ and the ichthys; Domnina even references Pascha. But this Christ is a virtual Christ, an antichrist. In Revelation, the Antichrist is depicted as the ape of Christ, but ultimately the Antichrist is a mere illusionist: “And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie” (Thessalonians 2:11).
  

“For I am Noctua, the daughter of Night, and the daughter too of him whom you have come to slay…For though he did not know why, being of the stuff of dreams he was drawn to her; and she, who eyes held starlight, to him…At this the princess took pity on him, for all who have the stuff of dreams about them seem fair in some degree at least to the daughters of the night, and he fairest of all.

• Noctua means owl from Latin nox meaning night (and she is quite literally from her mother Nox). Nox is an important aspect of Thelema or the occult practices of Aleister Crowley. Nox is the formula of the night of pan, the “crossing of the abyss” and the union with “our lady of abominations” Babalon (from Revelations the whore of Babylon). In Nox, the adept experiences unification with the All through ecstatic destruction of the ego-self, dissolving duality into one or, in other words, nonsense. Ego death is a core element of mind control (MK Ultra and Project Monarch** remember the silkworm symbol).
• It’s clear from this passage and later passages that many others have been sent on this mission in the past. However, Noctua feels a particular affection for this commander.

“At length Night came, and they saw her striding from islet to islet with her bats about her shoulders and her dire wolves dogging her steps. No more than an easy carronade shot from their anchorage she seemed, yet they all observed that she passed not before Hesperus or even Sirius; but they before her. For a moment only she turned her face toward them, and none could be certain what her look conveyed. But all of them wondered if indeed the ogre had taken her without her will as her daughter had said; and if so, if she had not lost the resentment she might be imagined to have felt.”

• Hesperus represents Venus the morning star in Latin Lucifer or light bringer. As Russell puts it, the evening star is the morning star; it represents the drama of a hero striving for the highest seat of heaven but being cast out of heaven (matches the movement of Venus in the sky). Another connection to Sirius.
• Another suggestion that perhaps this quest is not as it seems.

“In ancient times, so it is said, a tattered child, the daughter of a fisherman, found on the sand a stoppered flask, and by breaking the seal and drawing forth the cork became queen from ice to ice. Just so it seemed, an elemental being, strong with the strength of the forging of creation, debouched from the tall smokestacks of their ship, tumbling over himself in dark joy and growing with a rush, as the wind comes.”

• This could be a Pandora’s box reference, critically Pandora. Another dualistic notion, that what saves the day also causes doom. Or perhaps Odysseus’ bag of winds; the aid turns into the curse. Fits into the overall narrative of the story that Severian is both a torturer and a hero. He is “severed” and “severs” into two. Dorcas: “All of you are torturers, one way or another.”

“Then he strode to the rail and looked down; but with such an expression that no one, not even the most brave, dared to look at him. When he lifted his eyes at last, his face was set and grim and with no word to any man he took himself to his cabin and barred the door.”

• Obviously despondent. Either about the evil he released into the world or that his great battle was with a phantasm or that the whole quest was a lie.

“But on the morning of the third day, the young man fleshed from dreams came out of his cabin and began to walk up and down the deck as he was wont to do”

• Allusion to the resurrection of Jesus on the third day. His cabin serves as his “tomb.”

“At this he looked up into the very vault of the firmament. And some thought he prayed, and some that he sought to restrain the anger he felt against them, and some only that he hoped to gain inspiration there. But so long did he stare that they waxed afraid, even as they had when he had peered into the water, and one or two began to creep away. Then he said to them: “Behold! Do you not see the sea birds? From every corner of the sky they stream. Follow them.”

• He’s come back from the dead but is filled with anger.

“None of them ever forgot that night”

• Nothing like an orgy after a long day of work.

“Certain of the Corn Maidens wed those princes who, having spent years so long enchanted that they are loath to leave that life (and have in that time learned much of gramary), build palaces on lily pads and are seldom seen by men.”

• They go out to become demonic forces in the world. Lily pads are a call back to Chapter 2 of shadow: “When I think of my own death, or of the death of someone who has been kind to me, or even of the death of the sun, the image that comes to my mind is that of the nenuphar, with its glossy, pale leaves and azure flower.” The nenuphar exists above and below the water; they exist in two worlds just as their journey took them from the east to the west.

“And when he beheld their dark sails, smutted by the burning tar that had blinded their enemy, he believed them blackened in mourning for the young man, and he threw himself down, and so perished. For no man lives long when his dreams are dead.”

• Absurd ending to the story. You can't help but laugh at the ending. Jonas even suggests that the end of the story has been edited.
• IMO, he kills himself because the “hero’s” journey was never meant to be a success. The hooded ones need the ogre to have the utopia.

(goes without saying if people reply, they shouldn't actually spoil stuff; this is just a general topic)
Just a random spitball: I imagine most of us get annoyed when Twists get spoiled before we've had a chance to watch the movie (or indeed TV show) ... but does it ever bother or annoy you when even knowing there's a twist coming? Like, suddenly my mental state changes such that I'm half-waiting for the shoe to drop now - rather than being fully and emotionally invested in the here & now of the narrative?
(On the flipside, it's often very rewarding to rewatch media after I learn of the twist, looking for the clues or hints towards the later rug-pull. The truly great twists often do remarkable jobs making it all very obvious in hindsight, that it was only a trick played on the audience)
I only even ask - and won't get into details (cos it would make me a giant hypocrite lol) - 'cos the other day I had that exact experience with a show I'm watching. I hadn't realised there even was a twist coming, it didn't seem like that kind of show at all, yet now I'm watching it with this little kernel in my conscious brain that "something" is coming to upend things. Suddenly I'm looking for clues, getting distracted by stupid minutiae instead of just engaging with the story.
Spoiler Culture is such a minefield now, especially the statute of limitations when it's supposedly Okay just to openly talk of Spoilers ... and I find the Youtube homepage is the worst for those kind of "accidental" spoilings now. But while most YT thumbnails won't outright detail the twist, like I said sometimes it's a bit annoying that, oh: that thing I'm watching has a twist coming.

Hey there. My little one is 6 months old. At 3 months, he was sttn with 8-12 hour stretches. 4 months hit and his sleep changed. Prior to the end of April, he was waking 2-3 times night to nurse and would go right back to sleep and had been doing that for a month. I was fine with that so I let it be. I didn’t want to sleep train anyways. He still sleeps in our room and night and in his own room for naps. I attributed his waking at night to us being too noisy and causing him to wake. So figured I’d switch him to his room after our trip. Bed time is usually around ~9 pm.
Naps were a different story. I tried the swap from precious little sleep where he would fall asleep in his crib with shhing/patting. It was starting to work. Hadn’t gotten to the point where I could put him down and walk away before we left on our trip.
Then we went on a trip and it all went to shit. He was up every 30-40 minutes every single night the whole week we were gone. Naps didn’t happen unless I held him. I did my best to recreate the sleep space we have at home and tried other things while there but nothing helped.
Now that we’re home, he’s been up 5-8 times a night since. He’s constantly been teething as well for the last ~6 weeks and finally cut one tooth but that’s it.
Our current routine- bath (on bath nights), sleep sack, cuddle/nurse and rock to sleep. Transfer to mini crib. It worked before our trip. No matter what I do, I transfer him to his mini crib by our bed and he immediately wakes up or wakes up within 30 minutes. He’s quick to cry and start screaming when he wakes up and it’s difficult to get him to settle without nursing again. I know that’s part of the issue but I don’t know how to stop it. I sooth him back to sleep, wait 5-15 minutes and transfer him back. Rinse and repeat.
I tried fuss it out from precious little sleep and all he did was scream at the top of his lungs and cry. I couldn’t handle it and caved after 6 minutes. The next night I tried the shhing/patting method in his own room. He went to sleep in ~20 minutes and slept for almost 2 hours with a quick wake up but I managed to sooth him back to sleep without picking him up. Then the waking every 30 minutes continued. I couldn’t sooth him in his crib without him going into hysterics after a couple tries. I brought him back to sleep in our room for the rest of the night.
He was getting 2.5-3.5 hours of daytime sleep in 3 naps. I thought maybe he wasn’t getting enough so yesterday I tried getting him to sleep longer and managed to get 4 hours of napping in. I had to hold him for all of it. He would not settle into deep sleep to even let me try transferring.
Now it’s 245 am. He slept for 2.5 hours! And then went back to the same old song and dance.
I just want to sleep for a couple hours more than once. Help please!

Hi all, throwaway account for fairly obvious reasons and there may be some things I can't answer avoid anything that could reveal parties involved.
I've worked for company "X" (not the social media company, just a placeholder) for over 4 years in England. We place products the UK market as the brand owner which are all covered by CE/UKCA directives. Long story short, I do not believe X is taking their product safety obligations seriously enough.
They have some processes in place and I have worked hard to improve as much as I can in terms of monitoring and reporting, and implementing processes and training on the proper method of escalation, investigation, and resolution with regard to product safety concerns. However, it's a smaller company in their particular field of products and they're far more concerned with the bottom line than whether a product presents a risk to a user. I get it, you're there to make money, but there has to be some level of moral and legal obligation to ensure the safety of human beings.
Anyway, there are a couple of products that I believe present a risk. I investigated and reported to seniors, and we did a lot of work with 3rd party testers and the supplier, but ultimately it was found to be compliant and it was difficult to recreate the conditions leading to failure in tests. However, that doesn't change the fact that it is still presenting a high failure rate with a potential for harm. Again, long story short, X decided not to remove the product from the market and opted to replace it with a different model from a different manufacturer. I wasn't happy per se, but I accepted their decision as seniors despite advocating for corrective action.
They began looking at alternatives, but it didn't happen quick enough so they ended up ordering another load of the model I personally consider to be unsafe. They said they needed to keep the relationship with that supplier and the product met all compliance requirements for the UK and EU markets.
Sorry for the long explanation but this leads me to my question. I am not comfortable with that and have said again we should replace this product as I do not believe it is safe, I don't care if it's technically compliant, the returns are what they are and the reports from the field paint a picture of a product presenting risk to users.
What can I do? I need this job, but I am battling daily with the moral implications of this. It's entirely probably and likely nothing serious would happen, but I'm still not comfortable and I am not sure I want to work for a company that is willing to do that. Is there anything like constructive dismissal I can claim? I don't really want to up and resign when jobs in this field are hard to come by, and I can't imagine anyone is going to want to touch me if I'm the guy that sold his company out for a Product that's technically compliant.
I'm not even really sure what I'm asking, but hoping someone can advise on any options I might have that would allow me to leave the company outside of just straight resigning and locking myself into a 1 month frenzy to find another job, which I realise is the main available course of action.
Thanks in advance.

Idk I’m just really numb.It’s like I’m numb,but also feeling a bit of sadness lingering.I’ve been trying to be so positive and putting my energy into things that I enjoy.Loneliness is one of the things that we all deal with as transwomen(at some point in time) but lately I’ve been so infatuated with love,relationships and wanting to find my person.I can honestly say that I’ve only been with one guy that I ever felt loved/cared for me (to a certain extent)
Lately the guys that I’ve been meeting are horrible.A lot of them are physically attractive,but the way they see and treat me is horrible.I’m tired of men just wanting to hook up or have sex with me.I know Cis women deal with this too,but it’s just so excessive that it’s driving me crazy.I just wanna be seen as a person and I want to be seen as someone who deserves genuine love. Like I’m literally at my wits end.I matched with a great guy on a dating app yesterday .We FaceTimed all day.The guy really ended up liking me so much that he wanted to see me in person.I really did plan on telling him that I was trans,but it’s like he kept pushing to see me and I’m just not use to guys wanting to link with me unless it’s about sex…I thought we would at least talk on the phone and txt for a couple of days before deciding to see each other in person.I kept giving him many excuses and telling him I needed more time to get to know and talk to him,but he was so adamant about being in Person.He wasn’t aggressive or forceful. it was actually really endearing and sweet that he wanted to be with me.
Long story short he ended up coming to my house UNANNOUNCED after he got off of work and he was basically saying that if I didn’t come out he was gonna blow the horn(I stay with family rn) At first I thought it was cute until I acc realized that he was in my driveway ☠️ I had no choice bc I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.I didn’t have time to get dolled up or anything! I had on lounge clothes,a robe and my bonnet.I came to his car and talked to him for a min,but I noticed his demeanor changed.He realized I was Trans.It was obvious he felt awkward. I told him that I had to go back in the house before I got caught sneaking out .After that he didnt respond to my txt or my calls.I genuinely wanted to know what was in his head,but I guess now I know.
I say all this because 1. it’s hard when your trans and attrached to cisgendered men 2. The way I feel after getting ignored n presumably blocked🫠It triggered my dysphoria really really bad.I always felt like I was somewhat passable or to the point where I can pull off androgyny,but not a “brick” or masculine looking.I was okay with the way I naturally transitioned,but lately I’ve been thinking about cosmetic procedures.I’m kind of down about the whole thing. :/ idk I just wanted to share that with you guys bc I don’t have any friends that would understand or that’s even awake at this time.

To preface one thing - this is in Singapore, I am half singaporean and half thai, I have no close friends or family members around here, but I study here.
So after many years of dating and many quite one sided and manipulative relationships with guys and after 3 months of being single I finally got into relationship with my GF. First time trying lesbian dynamic. I felt it would be very different, she would understand me more and was less demanding of me and of course less physical and simply more harmonious, since, you know it's a fellow woman.
I was also taking it slow and we had like dozen dates before getting entangled officially couple months ago. She is quite lovely and well educated, slightly older than me, somewhat exotic looking around here and it felt we are becming good friends.
When we finally hooked up she had to guide me a lot because it's indeed quite different dynamic than with a guy but that was fine, I guess and she seemed to even enjoyed and would joke about how I was lesbian virgin and she can shape me to be suited for her. Which I thought at the time was cute.
Long story short I recently finally moved in with her and that was a mistake. I've been at her place most of the time we would hang out because my place was really tiny. Right after I moved in I was just in a span of week introduced to basically a laundry list of chores I should do and at the time I thought alright we pull this together right, but we didn't. After next couple weeks I realised (for the first time ever) that I am doing the same chores I would be doing for my former boyfriends and I started to feel, yet again, more as a maid with benefits. This time I had courage to voice that to my GF and she would apologise and be all sweet about how she didn't realise and that would coo me for another week, but no changes would actually happen. Only now I think it's been manipulative.
Since I am a university student and a "gym bunny" I have less free time than one would expect and suddenly it was filled mostly by coming home doing chores before going to gym and then coming from gym and my GF would be still up and then she would be demanding for attention, mostly in bedroom. This is when I've also noticed that while guiding me in bedroom she never seemed eager to pleasure me in return unless I would specifically ask and so for days I tried not to ask and suddenly it was super one sided bedroom stuff and she seemed perfectly fine with that. That stung because it immedaitelly reminded me of my last 3 boyfriends where it was the same.
I held a lot of this in, trying to keep being disciplined and do all she'd like me to do and chores and everything more and better in hopes of her seeing more value in me. But it simply didn't happen, not over course of two plus weeks.
Well this weekend I was using her ipad, where she always logged off out of all social and communication apps when she wasn't using. I always thought it's a like... internet safety thing in case the device gets hacked or something. But this time her whatsapp and wechat was logged in and I simply discovered that while I am at school and she's "working" from home she's hooking up at least once a week with guys. Or at least mostly with guys I wasn't in the mood to read into too much detail, seeing texts of your presumeably loved sending very intimite and heartfelt texts to guys and reacting to their D pics and sending stuff back... I felt betrayed but so far I haven't said anything and the routine contiues to my own detrement.
From doing gymnastics on higher level for 10+ years I'm used to some discipline and manners that would now be probably consider abuse, but what I learnt from that was to be quiet a lot not to cause conflict and please people. Despite my previous relationships with guys being basically abusive it was eventually always them to dump me, I never had the guts to do it yet (not counting middle school lol). This time I recognize the problem and I would like to end things but at the same time I moved too soon (in hindsight) and have nowhere to go at the moment.
And so for weeks I felt like maid and for 4-5 days now I feel more like bang maid who's also stupid and naive and I couldn't contemplate a good .. like escape plan, that's why I am making this post. In the meanwhile I continue the same old routine unable to almost meet my GF's eyes, yet she seem strangely not noticing any change and looking quite happy. On top of that you probably can guess how I feel being at school, knowing there's a decent change she's out hooking up. It just all crushing my selfesteem yet I feel stuck in the routine and my head.
TLDR: GF is cheating, doesn't know I know, because I am scared to confront her since I have nowhere to go if I'd move out.

Hi everyone!
I’m (25/F) inherited my arachnophobia from my mother- it was so bad we couldn’t even say the word “spider” around my mother without her freaking out. Consequently, I grew up being terrified of them and constantly relying on others to handle any spiders I had in my room/apartment. Last year it got so bad that I would have near panic attacks at least once a week just thinking about possibly having to deal with one on my own as I lived alone at the time.
People in my life have told me time again that the way I life my life in fear of them is unsustainable, especially as I live in the UK where house spiders have their seasons regularly.
So on NYE i decided to take back my life into my own hands and I decided to introduce spider exposure therapy into my morning routine. I started off just googling the word ‘spider’ and looking at the page until my pits stopped sweating and I didn’t feel like I wasn’t going to die anymore. That first step took a lot of effort but it became easier and easier every few days as the realization that I didn’t die started to set in. I moved on to googling images everyday after a few weeks and then specifically looking at the spider i would fear most “the uk giant house spider” 🙂‍↕️. Terrifying at first but then after a week or so of looking at them everyday it became easier. And then I searched up on youtube videos of people handling them. There are a lot of people out there that love spiders and teach you about them. That helped!
Fast forward to last night. I came home from a fitness class and ran into a medium looking house spider. Before I would have screamed and called my boyfriend and possibly cried but before I did that I finally had the courage and the know-how to just get a container and trap it then slide a card under it for my bf to take out when he got home. It was so easy I couldn’t believe it. All because I understand them a little better!
So please if you’re considering spider exposure therapy please do it!!! It’s very hard and unsettling at first but I promise a couple months of hard work will finally free you from your fear. I’m still scared of them somewhat but at least I have the unlearned my panic behaviour. Worth it 100% !