How to unblock bebo at school

So when I was in sixth grade I had been friends with this girl I had known since fifth grade, she was a year younger than me. I'll call her Lilith. So the day started normally, except for the fact my younger sister (Mary) wasn't very happy, so our mom asked me to sit with her if she came to my classroom for lunch; I agreed as I am the oldest. In school the morning passed by normally, I tutored the kid I was assigned to, talked to friends including Lilith, did my school work, etc. Eventually lunch arrived and I broached the subject to Lilith that my mom had asked me to let my sister sit with me during lunch and asked Lilith if we could save her a seat just in case she wanted to sit with me. Everything seemed fine up until I asked if Mary could sit with us. Lilith had to go get her hot lunch from the office and Mary and I both packed home lunches. Lilith told me that if Mary sat in her (Lilith's) seat she (Lilith) would kill Mary. I told her that was rude, and that I would simply tell Mary that was where Lilith was sitting, so Mary could sit beside me or something. Lilith kept going on about how she would kill my sister over that stupid chair, and I sat there in silent seething rage. When Lilith went to the office to get her lunch I explained to our teacher what had happened and he said he would talk to her. Afterwards I sat with 'Teddy' the kid I tutored and 'Johnny' one of my other friends; I told them everything. Now this is where the petty comes in, Lilith had this obsessive crush on a kid a grade above me (who i will call Orion), and I had a minor crush on one of his friends (who i will call Dimitri); this is something Teddy and Johnny both knew. So they suggest telling the friend group Lilith and I were apart of. I agreed saying we would also tell her crush and mine. The plan: they (Teddy and Johnny) would go out first and tell Orion and Dimitri, meanwhile I would go and tell my sister and her friends (who were standing fairly close to my friend group so they over heard), after that I would go and finish the story to Orion and Dimitri. Well everything went according to plan, when Lilith came out and tried talking to Orion he told her to get away from him because he didn't want to hangout with a psycho (I didnt think he would go that far); and all except one of our friends turned their backs on her. The friend who sided with her told me I was a horrible person for doing that to Lilith, knowing what she (Lilith) had gone through. Something to know, Lilith's father had abandoned her and her mother before she was born; and her mother had gone to jail two or so years before for stealing, leaving Lilith in the care of her grandmother. Now it is my belief that no matter your background or how you grew up, threatening someone's life was and is unacceptable; and I told this "friend" exactly that. Then Lilith started to threaten me, in front of the entire forth, fifth, sixth grades (upper elementary) and middle school classes (we went to an elementary/combined middle school); saying things like she would ruin my life and ruin me, which only proved my point to the others, and I told her that if she came for me or my family she best be prepared for a fight (usually im not a confrontational person so this was a surprise to pretty much everyone). After school I told my mom what had happened and she talked with not only my and lilith's teacher but the principal of the school as well; which led to Lilith getting a talking to from the principal but not much else because of Lilith's background. The next day my teacher pretty much begged me to forgive Lilith, seeing as it was two weeks before summer break, and I told him I wouldnt even consider it until she apologized to my face; by this time Lilith had messaged me on Instagram saying how sorry she was Yada Yada blah blah blah and so on (to which i blocked her temporarily). So the teacher sent us both outside to reconcile; not realizing I had a different plan. Lilith tried to apologize but wouldn't look me in the eyes, my mother told me if someone ment their apology they would look you in the eyes and I told Lilith that and she tried again, again not looking me in the eye. Eventually, because she wouldn't look me in the eyes, I pretended to forgive her simply because I wanted this whole thing to end (and to prove my fake point unblocked her). I spent the next week or so pretending to be her friend (I never told my mom about this fake friendship thing, mostly because nothimg had been done about Lilith and I could be painted in a bad light for discrimination which wasnt the case because i knew about Lilith's home lige long before this whole situation and was still friends with her regardless; im not superficia, i care more about personality and things like money and appearance), and ghosted her the night of the big dance our school had like a week before the end of school; come to think of it i dont think she was even at the dance. And after the dance I started cutting back on how much time I spent around her, and I noticed pretty much everyone else did the same. Then on the last day of school, when I got home I immediately blocked her on everything: phone number, insta (all of her profiles), everything. AITAH?

Hi there, long time lurker (since DDay last december) here but first time poster! Before I make this post, I want to clarify that I will be using the correct jargon and abbreviations for this subreddit, although I am still not sure wether my story belongs here. So here goes!
Me (31F), the BP and my WP (30M) have been together for 4 years now. December 2023 I caught my WP in what I believe was a starting EA. I had suspicions for while though, since it started in May 2022. Things were odd in my opinion, but I've also found it wasn't anything like most stories i'd read of EA's and nevee thought it was just me being silly.
WP was finishing his degree and he had half a year of a curriculum to follow still, with a new school and classmates. He found a friend group (all around 19/20 years old) there that he enjoyed hanging out with. Total of 4 guys (including him) and 2 girls. The curriculum ended with a 4-day schooltrip, after which he started acting weird. He was glued to his phone and distant. So much so that he ruined our anniversary dinner. He was completely distant, and when i suggested annoyingly that we might as well just leave, his response was "sure." And so we did.
I got tired of this behaviour and confronted him with it. It then came out that it was because it was a very emotional trip, where he revealed some traume about himself to his classmates, and didnt know how to reveal it to me and was afraid. I found this very strange as I did not see the connection to his distant behaviour in that. I won't go into detail but i personally did not find it anything to be ashamed of. As far as I know nothing happened there (though now, I will never know I guess), only that it was very much some teenager frat party for the entire trip.
Over the next 1,5 years from that trip in May 2022, WP and this group of friends stayed in contact. It wasn't much, and they'd see each other every 2 or 3 months, but WP did have considerably more text conact with one girl (AP), although it wasn't as much as most EA stories I read, like once a month (much more right after the trip though). Whenever he'd meet the friend group, WP would make it a thing to avoid inviting me. I'd seen them only twice in that whole time. He would either inform me a week before the meetup he was gonna go there, without invitation, or let me know right before or not at all (i later found in text messages, on meetups that never happened). It was always with the group though.
Don't get me wrong, I probably would've declined invitations anyway as they were way too young imo, but that fact he went out of is way to not include me was odd. Besides that i absolutely believe its healthy to also have friend alone time besides partner. But still, it struck me as strange.
This went on until he told me beginning of last december he was going for a weekend away with them at some point. His behaviour was beyond weird and awkward, as if he was asking his mom something he knew the answer was gonna be 'no' to. Thats when, a week later, i needed his phone for something, and it urged me to check messages with AP.
There it became apparant they had a much closer bond, albeit the little contact. There was mostly joking, but also some flirtation, mostly from her side. I found it during the 4 day school trip she had been telling him that people were gossiping because she supposedly was in love with him, and looking at hime alot and asked him if he minded the gossip. WP's response was "pff i dont care, ill look back at you like im in love, let them talk". There was also alot of venting from her about her bf, and him being the support for it all. I used to admire WP's need to help others, now it just makes me wanna vomit.
In the more recent convo's between them she was telling him to ask my permission for a weekend away, which is strange imo as friends, to do that. She started joking abouy skinny dippinh after. After that she was venting about the break up between her bf and her, how she was so "sex deprived" after a week, WP was happily joking along🙄 until she suggested that she'd get her fix with WP. WP's answer was ambigious, in our language it could equally mean "too bad for you I am taken" or "unfortunately I am taken already". AP reacted somewhere along the lines of "im only joking you know that😘😘😘". WP replied "i know babez😘"
Had read most of it at this point and had enough. I confronted him 2 weeks later. What followed was me yelling and crying, and him trying to explain everything with logic. Not once did he reassure or comfort me. Not until I asked him to. He didn't cut contact with AP immediately, but did so a week later. He decided that on his own and decided to do it when we were both at work. It was another stab in the back because it felt like he just wanted to control the narrative. I did check his phone at this time and he started deleting stuff, he also wasn't fully aware what I knew at this point (mind you he never deleted stuff before and phones were always open for each other) I asked him multiplie times if he wasnt deleting and lying about stuff, in comes the TT, lying and denying🙄. It wasn't until i mentioned, multiple times that I knew he was deleting and lying about stuff. His response "ohyeah, no i remember i did delete some stuff". He never fully aknowledged his betrayal, nor his TT and lying. He did fully block AP, went NC, as well as with the entire friend group, but he has done nothing to fix this. He keeps saying "he doesn't know how to fix it", even though he shows remorse and says he never wanted AP or meant anything with it, i guess throwing away our relationship meant less then "anything" then if thats the case. I feel like it's not my problem to fix, he has google and other resources to try and find a way but he just doesn't.
I am hurt, humiliated and angry. He has done nothing right in this proces, i feel. He has been rugsweeping, not been transparant, went NC with AP by blaming himself and coddling her. blocked her. Unblocked her again and then blocked again. Ofcourse no visible messages, but i cannot no for sure there werent any. AP's last message to WP was "i hope ill talk to you again at school XYZ". So apparantly they had discussed going there together next, something i knew nothing of while I was trying to help him find a good next school (which he was always dismissing, now i know why). I feel my resentment for him grow, even though he has been more sweet to me lately. I feel he has not even acknowledged the gravity of what he has done to me. The only thing he did 'right' was voluntarily telling me he gave AP a neck massage once at one of these meetups, I did not know at all. Apparantly she messaged him after rather flirtasiously afterwards, which was deleted.
We are not in IC or CC, as our workschedules don't allow it, though, to be fair he has not initiated it either and I also refuse to do it myself. Sometimes i even doubt this was an EA and it's in my head, but the pain is very very real. Advice is welcome, thank you and sorry for the long read<3
EDIT: I forgot to add that WP did explain his avoidance behaviour and clingyness to this group, he felt like he could finally be the center of attention there, since he couldnt with me and my friends, especially since im an extrovert and WP is an introvert. Thats why he never wanted me with these meetups. Also because he moved from pretty far to my place and these where the only friends who werent 2 hours away

Hi, I didn't get a lot of interaction on my last post, but I guess someone was concerned about me enough to contact Reddit Support, so I decided to post an update.
It's going on 4 years of NC with my[25F] mom[47F], with the exception of family events where I am forced to see her. My mental health really improved after I stopped interacting with her, though I do get fairly stressed when I have to see her at family events.
This is mainly concerning an incident this past weekend. I was at a friend's party when my sister '22F' called me, telling me that my mother was concerned about my other sister '20F' not being home and having heard gunshots outside. For context, the sister that called me lives in California, and I live in Chicago, and so do my mom and youngest sister. I immediately panicked, calling my youngest sister repeatedly, thinking the worst, having a panic attack in front of several friends and my boyfriend, who expressed severe concern for me.
I eventually made contact, and she informed me that she was at a late running dance practice. My mind immediately knew this was true, since my sister was consistently either at work, home, dance practice, or school. As soon as the relief wore off, I got angry at both my mother and my sister that had called me.
Despite knowing that my mother had a history of blowing things out of proportion, I still allowed myself to get drawn into her needless panic, even after my boyfriend told me that there were no reports of gunshots in the area where my sister and mom lived.
When I woke up the next morning, my sister had messaged me to tell me that I shouldn't be contacting her friends to find her if I couldn't get in contact with her. This was the straw that broke the camels back, and I unblocked my mother to berate her for kicking up a fuss just because my ADULT sister didn't see it as necessary to keep her updated on her location.
I'm currently taking a step back from my sisters, but I really don't know how to move forward, since it seems like my sisters will just keep drawing me back into any drama my mom causes.
TLDR: My '25F' Mom '47F' overreacted to my sister '20F' not updating her on her location, causing my sister '22F' in California to call me, causing me to have a panic attack

Before I start this, I just want to answer some question I know I’ll probably have to answer later, or share some information that might be important.

1. I have gone no contact with him. (He tries to bait me into talking to him.) Only my friend group knows about the alcohol.
   
2. I know for a fact he drinks, I was with him once when he did it.
   
3. It’s not his parent’s fault, he sneaks it from open vodka bottles in their refrigerator.
   
4. I know he is drinking while underage, I plan to report him to the school counselor if he doesn’t seek help.
   
5. We’re both gay, though I do not like him like that in any way shape or form. He swears up and down he doesn’t like me like that either, but take that how you will.
   
6. He has allegedly been drinking since he was 7. I can neither confirm nor deny this.
   
7. He blames all of his problems on the alcohol.
   

I, 16m, was friends with another boy, 15m, for roughly 4 years. We used to call each other every day to play games. Every single day for 4 years. Everything was fine until I started hanging out with our other (mutual) friends.
After I started hanging out with other people, he began to get very jealous and bitter towards me and the friend I was talking to. He would act annoyed and upset whenever I would do things with my other friends, even though it’s the same things I would do with him. This is when the arguing began. He would make snarky comments toward me indirectly through his bio on either a game we play together or the app we use to text and call. He would always deny that it is about me, even if it was blatantly obvious. (For example, I used to give myself nicknames on the game we play together. He combined the starting letter of the 3 I've used and said something along the lines of “ABC gave me everything but real love.”)
We would argue like this and he would come to school like nothing happened and act friendly towards me, even if it was obvious that I didn’t want to act friendly with him. He would also frequently block me for absolutely no reason, and unblock me after a few hours. If I asked for a reason, he would get mad and change the subject. Of course, I got tired of this and blocked him back one day. To nobody’s surprise, the next day at school he was talking to me and making jokes like absolutely nothing happened.
One day, he even decided it would be a great idea to ignore me while I was sitting right next to him. I would talk to him, wave my hand in front of him to get his attention, and even tap his shoulder. No response. I obviously got fed up with him and let my friends know in a group chat that he isn’t in what was going on incase they were curious why either of us were annoyed. (This wasn't the best idea, I know, however he gets mad when I hang out or talk to them differently than I do with him so the most logical thing to do was to not let him know when I hang out or text with them.)
Before this next part, I have to go back a little bit. Because we would play games together, we would log into each other’s account to farm or grind for something the other wants. This lead to him knowing my password and email. Since he saw me typing on my phone, he saw the group chat that doesn’t have him in it. He took that as a sign that I was talking shit about him to our friends (I truly was not.) and decided to try and hack my account. Luckily, I’ve always used a secondary email on the games we play, so he only got my old account.
Not knowing that this happened, I forgave him for everything that he did prior. A few days later, at the end of school before I left, we were talking when he said the name of my secondary account. Of course, I asked how he knew about it, and he said he logged in. I obviously got very angry at him for this, as I had not given him permission whatsoever. I told him I would have showed him my messages had he just simply asked. This caused him to get angry at me for being angry at him. (He also got angry at me when he got the notifications that he had been removed from my email. I also changed my passwords, have no fear.)
After discussing this with our mutual friends, they confirmed that what he did was not okay. Because I was getting more distant from him, he thought that he should buddy up to someone else in our friend group. (He barely speaks to anyone else if he doesn’t have to.) Of course, he chose the one person that he supposedly hates based on past events. (Not my story to share, I apologize.)
(I don’t remember this part all too well so take it with a grain of salt.) After a while, I decided to give him another chance. We had a conversation where I brought up all of the issues I had with him in a few paragraphs. (Mainly stuff about boundaries and respecting me. Also for pulling my hair whenever he got the chance even though I told him multiple times on multiple occasions to stop.) His response was changing the subject to something different, and about me. I promptly him shut down, however, as he was bringing up stuff that I didn’t do, insisting that he at least acknowledges his problems instead of pretending everything is fine. This ultimately lead to him getting angry and ending the conversation with his signature “Okay. Bye.”
He then went back to pretending everything was normal with me, though he was talking shit about me in a group chat with our mutual online friends and one of our real life friends (The one he hated that I mentioned previously.) She would tell me everything he said about me, but she didn’t want to get involved so I couldn’t call him out for any of it. At this point, I was just tired of fighting, so I went with it. Many more minor arguments happened after this. I won’t include details for the sake of this post not being too unbearably long, since what happened was basically the previous fight over and over.
A while later, one of our friends called him out for his shit, as I had been letting them know what was going on for every argument we had. He got really heated over this, and told her to kill herself and that he never valued her as a friend. She gave no shits at all. He was promptly removed, or left on his own, from all of the group chats with her in them except our main server. They had each other blocked, though to nobody’s surprise that didn’t stop him from talking about her or to her in the server.
Though 2 out of 5 people in our friend group wanted nothing to do with him, that didn’t stop him from sitting with us and trying to joke around with us like nothing happened. For a while, everything was fine. I wasn’t talking to him, he wasn’t talking to me. Another fight happened between him and the friend he hated before, but that isn’t my story to tell either, sorry. The only thing I can say about the fight is that he mentioned his alcohol addiction.
One thing lead to another and I decided to give him one last chance. Again. So, I had another conversation with him, letting him know that im serious about unfriending him if he doesn’t talk to his therapist about the alcohol, jealousy, and obsession with me.
I gave him until the end of the week to talk to his therapist, or I’m gone. Everything was fine until the weekend. I went on a trip to Dollywood on the weekend, 4 of my friends being there. He of course did not come on the trip, as he isn’t in the school club that took us. I asked him on Sunday if he had talked to his therapist about anything yet, and he had said no. I rightfully blocked him, just as I said I would. He proceeded to play the victim and started asking our friends what he did wrong, pretending that I hadn’t told him anything about blocking him.
I unblocked him momentarily to send a message on why I did it. I told him blatantly that if he didn’t talk to his therapist I would block him, and he did not. I may have been a little harsh with my words, but keep in mind that I have given him many chances to grow and learn from his mistakes that he has not taken. He needs help, and I can’t help him. I wished him the best, but told him that the best is not something I am capable of giving him.
After I blocked him again, he edited one of his messages to “call me out” for not doing what he wanted. He claims that I should’ve just listened to his issues and tell him everything was fine instead of letting him know that what he’s doing is wrong. He doesn’t want help, he wants someone to ignore his problems. I told him that im not that person and im tired of pretending I am. He proceeded to make his bio things along the lines of “You never actually loved me” once more.
After his numerous attempts at getting me to talk to him by making his bio about me, I got fed up. I confronted him, letting him know that I don’t want to be friends with him, I don’t want anything to do with him, and that he needs to stop talking about me in his bio. He of course pretended his issues didn’t exist, instead telling me that he would get help for real this time. I let him know that he just admitted to not trying to get help the first time, and that in lying to me, he broke my trust in him.
Because I knew he wouldn’t try to get help, I blocked him after saying goodbye once more. This is when he started openly shit talking me and the friend that called him out one single time. He changed his bio to things about my body he knew I was insecure about, such as my forehead. While I admit that this wasn’t the best thing to do, I gave him a taste of his own medicine. He’s a bigger individual, and he’s told me that he’s insecure about his weight.
Again, I apologize for what I said to him, I was angry when I said it. He said I have a sixhead, so I retaliated with seventeen stomach and that he can’t be talking about me when he looks 5 years pregnant. I mean no hate to pregnant people, I was angry at him when I said it. I do not condone rudeness towards plus sized or pregnant individuals. Back to the story.
He made a post on a platform we all use about how he hates Taylor Swift fans, especially the blonde ones. (Ironic when he was talking about how he liked her a while ago. Also, the friend that called him out is blonde and a big Taylor Swift fan.) So, in retaliation, our other, OTHER friend commented the username to his twitter account where he actively reposts nsfw images of gay furries, often depicted as children. I was the only person that knew about it, since he reposted such images and showed them to me in class, to my discomfort. I am usually not one to air out dirty laundry like that, however he had done something similar to me a while back, and I honestly didn’t care how it would make him feel.
I took another page out of his book and edited my message since we had each other blocked, telling him to stop shit talking me in his bio, and that I wanted nothing to do with him. Since that happened, he hasn’t made his bio anything about me, instead changing it to some joke about being 5 years pregnant.
Nobody has told me that what I’ve done was wrong, I just would like to make sure that I’m not in the wrong here. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Okay so first things first i'm going to confess- i was the one who fucked up. this entire situation is my fault.
I met a girl at school through mutual friends, we'll call her Av for her privacy. I didn't like her originally, but i started to develop a small crush over time. After a couple months i asked her on a date and she said yes. Av is the first person in a relationship with me to have treated me well, and i loved her so much.
Then about a month ago, i had got home from a camping trip with a few of my buds and i was really tired. Like REALLY tired, running on about an hours sleep for three days. I saw one of my female friends (Who is a lesbian) who I hadn't seen in a while, and i gave her a big hug as she said hi. Right as Av walked in. She seemed fine with it at first but started questioning me about it later after school. she asked me maybe 4 or 5 times if i liked her (Av didn't know the girl was a lesbian) and eventually i snapped and had a bit of a go at her. after a bit of silence she texted this:
"Do you think that the two of us are a good idea?"
That sort of shocked me for a bit as i realised what i had actually said to her. I cried that night.
The next day i tried to make it up to her but got told to leave her alone for a bit. Then she called me and we argued over the phone for a couple hours until she hung up and blocked me on everything. A few days later another person told me Av had apparently (If you'll excuse the british slag) Slagged me off (Insulted me) on a group chat with a few other mutuals but i didn't know how much she had done it. i asked for her to unblock me and then i confronted her. And boy did i fuck up. She had barely even talked about me and when she did she was just saying that it didn't end to well. and yet i confronted her like she had committed a crime of some sort against huanity. I made her cry, as i was told afterwards. I hate myself for that.
She hasn't spoken to me irl since, and barely over text. My best mate noticed that i was feeling like shit and asked her about it. she said something along the lines of: "I never said he couldn't talk to me, he just avoids me. There are other people to be around." I miss her so much. I just want her back so bad.

Okay I need advice…To start off with this story. I graduated high school last year and as soon as I turned 18 I got on Seeking. Honestly I don’t come from money and I was headed to college soon my dads a single dad so I decided to find a way to pay for school. It wasn’t my best idea but I did it. I also was a virgin at the time and had a lot of guys texting me. I was going to meet this other guy the day I met my now current boyfriend/sugar daddy. But the other guy ended up getting drunk so I met up with my now bf. Our age gap is pretty big I was a month into being 18 and he was 48. We met up at this hotel in my town and as soon as I got there I regretted it. He was friendly and I was very shy around him. Right after we had sex I went to the restroom and made up something about how my dad was asking where I was at it was like two am. I left the room and went to my car and cried I felt so ashamed that I could do something like that. As soon as I got home I showered and blocked him on everything. A week goes by and I tell one of my good friends and we went to Walgreens to get a plan b just to be safe. I realized soon after that I kind of enjoyed it in a way so I unblocked him and we met up again. When he first messaged me he was offering $750 a week but he only would give me $500 max. I was a little annoyed but naive. I quickly realized he wanted a relationship out of this whereas I wanted a sugar daddy only. I’m in college and I have no time for a relationship. I also had never been in a serious relationship so I became very attached to him. I would rant about past ex bfs and how I would miss them and I guess he got annoyed and started it doing it back to me. In the beginning I only saw him as a sugar daddy so I would post pictures of myself in bikinis and he would get mad at me but I wouldn’t care because he didn’t mean anything to me at the time. After a while I slowly fell in love with him I was shooked because he was old and I was young. Around this time one my siblings were getting skeptical about how I was getting money when I bark worked and went to school. She soon found out and outed me to my whole family. For a week straight my family would call me all sorts of names and that was definitely a low point for me. I was feeling really bad at the time and wanted to run away with him. I later found out he was watching porn behind my back and I felt so mad and sad at the same time. How could he have me and watch those things I thought. He swore to me that he would not do it again and he watched it when he was younger so I guess he kind of got addicted to it in a way. I forgave him and we went on with our relationship. We’ve since been together for almost a year. About two months ago I saw him in many girls likes and follows. They would post there body’s and everything. Not shaming that because I used to do that I was upset with my bf because he would get mad at me and call me insecure when I would do it but liked pictures of other girls doing it. I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry and that he wouldn’t do it again. Fast forward to last week I was hanging out with him and I kept checking my phone thinking my dad was going to call because I sneaked out to see him. My bf got suspicious and told me to open up my phone so I did. I showed him my messages and snap and he saw that a guy friend had sent me a streak. He was so upset and saying why I was texting another guy. I told him it was a exchange student friend I met in high school and I had a streak with him to keep in touch he was really mad and so I tried to apologize and comfort him. After he said he forgave me and then he got on his phone. Keep in mind he never lets me get on his phone. He owns his own business and he says he doesn’t want me to see his business plans as if I would know what to do with them. I went to his instagram messages and he snatches his phone after he does that I grab it from him and see he texted this girl that had her arch pic as her profile pic. She had slid up on his story and said baeee where he replied with what she said that he had tooken a long time to reply where he said a little:) with a smiley face. I was furious I had drove over and hour to see him and I got my things and I was crying hysterically. He told me he was sorry but somehow blamed it on me. He started yelling at me and saying if you think I want that whore then leave. I was like wtf you texted her back and I’m the one getting shouted at. I later forgave him but now I feel like I let it be okay for so long he’ll just do it again. I’m so in love with him and I don’t want to leave him. I would like someone different to see it in another perspective. Did he make mistakes that I should just forgive or should I just leave now?

My first cousin has been a full on active alcoholic since 2018. She would get together and drink with her group of friends every single day and then get beat up by their boyfriends. This was a normal life for her. her group are my best friends bully, ever since high school and because my best friend has no spine she would always forgive no matter how shitty they treated her.
2 years ago my best friend and I ended our friendship due to her choosing them and other shitty people over me and recently at the start of this year we managed to rekindle our friendship. however, all she would talk about is how my cousins friends would abuse and use her, ruin her car and have her drink so much so she could get beaten up by one of their bfs. She became a full blown alcoholic while I was gone in a span of 2 years and everytime I would tell her to block the girls and focus on herself she would then unblock them and try to get in contact with them. I stayed silent and knew it wasn’t even worth giving her advice since she doesn’t follow it.
Her birthday came up last month and she tried to cancel it because my cousin ended up in hospital in a coma due to alcoholism and I knew she wasn’t going to make it. A lot of people were flying over to see her so I was annoyed when I found that out and my other friend pretty much planned her whole birthday. I told her not to focus on my cousin for once and just celebrate your birthday. The mood on her birthday was down and she was not happy at all. Her friends gifted her alchol and had her taking shots which upset me a lot because I don’t want her ending up like my cousin.
Mid April I ended my friendship with my best friend because she kept lying to me about drinking and partying. Mycousin passed away late april and I really feel bad for telling my friend to not focus on my cousin being in hospital.
Thoughts on how I handled the situation? Is it wrong for me to attend my cousins funeral?
I just got back from work so the grammar is horrible sorry!

I had a crush on this teacher from Term 1; she's super sweet and everything. She goes around the school everyday asking pupils how their day was, how they are feeling, etc... She was also very sweet to me but I've been noticing some changes lately; I'm not pretty sure why but I feel like this teacher is trying to detatch herself from me. The good thing is that I'm graduating in a few weeks - I'll probably never see her again.
So first and foremost, the first thing I noticed is that she took off the keyring that I gave to her. After a trip during my vacation, I got her a keyring and she put it on her bag for about almost a month. However, a few weeks ago, she took it off.
You know how email gives you a "follow up" notification when someone doesn't read your email? Yeah. I got that notification from an email I sent to her. The email was me basically recommending some songs to her and she also recommended some songs to me. I thanked her and said that I really loved a song she recommended me. After that, there was no reply and only a "follow up" notification came.
Another day, she was supervising in the library. She talked to every single person in the library but me.
I also have been lately noticing changes in the way she speaks / greets me. I'm not saying that I would expect enthusiasm from her when she speaks or greets me - what I'm saying is that she used to be enthusiastic but now her greetings are flat.
Oh and also, she shared me her spotify playlist and hence I followed her spotify account. However, days later it said that I wasn't following her. Thus, on that day I followed her again. Yet, today, when I checked, it said that I wasn't following her again. I'm suspecting she blocked me and then unblocked me to remove me from her followers because she hasn't blocked me at the very moment. She also removed some public playlists and changed the covers of them. I'm spiralling down on this rabbit hole of what this could potentially mean.
I've lately been frantically thinking about what could've let to these changes. However I can't find an answer to it. Perhaps I shouldn't care as after a few weeks I'm never going to see her again.

(I made a same post but with the photos of texts that "she" sent to me on my account since all the communities that I want to post don't allow them)
So it's mother's Day and my mom is absent in our lives until "now". I won't go into my whole life story but tl:dr tried her best but made hard by being emotionally unstable, unavailable, and would aid it with alcohol and verbal fights. Ok the reason why we're here. I (elder sibling) got kicked out with my dad in 2021. shit got worse in early 2022 with her in financial. Kicked my second oldest sister out during that time. Mom's mom died later that year in September. Forced the rest of my younger siblings to live with us for no reason after it. Horrible funeral/week due to her shit talking, and has been absent pretty much since then. Sure my younger siblings had the visits every other week but it slowly turned into months and now going into more than half a year. During the months of no visits "she" would text my younger siblings through social media, we come from a foreign family so older family members don't have much of an English grasp (unless its my dad multilingual mf) and "her" messages got more articulated in English grammar, at first it was more noticeable with the emails between my parents with her usual simple and poor one sentences, all of sudden proper English with paragraphs. It took so time after those first emails that the text between my siblings and mom started to look the same as the emails. This may be wrong on our part but we had suspicion that someone else was texting for her, so dad found some new guy that was friends on Facebook with her and when the kids visited her they confirmed that it was the same guy living with her. Dad found the 2 ex-wives (out of 3) of his and found out he's a huge con artist that's not allowed to fly internationally (due to his arrest as a con artist, his visa is stripped.) The new boyfriends plan usually was to meet some hopeless women, have a kid and then get married, then proceeded to lie about needing money for sick family in the USA, at first he was in the USA then left to the CAD after he left his first wife. He proceeded to do that for the rest of them. Currently, he's not allowed to talk to the kids from his first and one of the kids from his third ex-wives, while he still allowed visitation rights for the other one and the one he has with his second ex-wife. You may be wondering why this was included but it's because since dad still talks to the second and third ex-wives, he's found out that mom has been seen her boytoys kids more than her own kids, since he needs a supervisor when he visits his kids. When we found out he was texting for mom, dad emailed them telling him to stop texting to the younger kids as mom or else the cops were going to get involved, he replied showing no means to stop and this had happened in December 2022-Jaurary 2023. Ever since then they stopped trying hide the fact that it was him texting as her, and slowly over time though we had blocked her on all social media platforms. Before we had blocked her though, my oldest younger sister, started texting mom telling her to leave us alone and that, us, as the kids didn't want anything to do with her anymore until she stopped the abusive cycle she's put us all in. During all of that, she was calling the same sister at random times at night which started to affect her mental health really badly and she couldn't go to school cause of it. It got worse when she randomly showed up at my her and my little brothers school doing something with their school information, mom tried saying hi and saying she missed them, which scared my sister more thinking she was going to show up again. She tried telling mom that what she was doing was affecting her really badly, they proceeded to respond in the most foolish way, "thinking" that dad was texting, when my sister was trying to be the most professional she could be in that situation. After that situation, all the siblings blocked mom on everything and mom had previous encounters on social media already, so I kept her unblocked on gmail so I could laugh at the emails she can send, like today. The first email is proof how they would respond when they though it was dad, and the second one is from today and you can see the grammatical difference between the two, which explains our suspicions and why we did what we did. By the way, the reason why we can't do anything to restrict communication between mom and my siblings is because here we have a law where only 15+ can get some sort of a restraining order against someone and the oldest sibling of the youngest is a year or 2 from being able to, and for dad, this all still going through court trials (this why 2022 was shitty to begin with) cause of that, dad's been trying co-operative while mom has been doing the complete opposite, causing the court stuff to drag on. As much as what we're doing isn't the nicest or what you would call supportive but 18+ years of neglect, harm, and deprivation has caused a lot of pain and struggle coming into adulthood and with mom doing these moments still, I feel like I'm getting dragged back into my little self. Every one of my siblings shows their hurt from her in their different ways but not gonna lie with these months of no communication with mom, I've seen my family grow into people we should've been growing up with her, I don't have my old habits like tiptoeing everytime, everyday just for talk or food, or having to blust music 24/7 into headphones because she'd always scream at anyone for doing something wrong, we joke without worrying about someone commenting negative, we can play and rough house without yelling, we can be loud without someone screaming to shut the hell up, we can do our chores whenever we can, not being screamed at to do it at this moment. There's been ups and downs with our growth but this is a lot better than being not human living with her.
This year's mother's Day hasn't been pleasant, but I do enjoy the company of my grandma's, alive and dead. Happy mother's Day.

does anyone have an unblocked proxy website that doesnt have any sorts of limits? I use the proxies available at sites.google.com/view/undergroundkids but they all have some sort of data restrictions. I want to play fnaf during school. I used to play on Yandex.com, but it got blocked because of everyone knowing about it (nobody knows how to gatekeep)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/lolfuckno.
This post was originally posted to weddingshaming.
There was already a BoRU post by u/autochthonouschimera, which didn't include the last update yet.
TRIGGER WARNING: cheating, child neglect, extreme entitledness, talk of abortion
MOOD SPOILERS: infuriating, confusing, frustrating
The new update at the bottom of this post has been marked with --- ---
Original story was posted on December 7, 2021
Okay, so this girl I know from high school is getting married. We're both 22, for reference. In our senior year of high school she got pregnant, with baby daddy A who will be referred to as Adam. Her super conservative parents kicked her out and she ended up moving in with a friend's family. She barely graduated high school. The only reason she did were because of the generosity and support of our teachers and students who volunteered to help her, which is how we met. We were in the same law class in the morning and she had the worst morning sickness that really affected her ability to be in class. So, I took extra notes for her, tutored her, and brought her her stuff if she hadn't come back by the bell. I wasn't the only one who did stuff like this for her and I know she really appreciates all the assistance we gave her. She had the baby a month after we graduated.
She'd signed up for a 911 dispatcher course for after high school because where we live it's a good steady job, with opportunity for certificates and promotions. But she didn't realize how intensive the course would be and had to drop out. She started working at a grocery store bakery, just until she had a better plan. Adam started an apprenticeship while working part time at a hockey rink, and proposed to her literally the day of her eighteenth birthday, and brought up marriage because "it's the right thing to do" (I don't really agree with that but this isn't about me) and she was always refusing.
She started cheating on him after a while (we're all 19 now), and eventually leaves him for another guy because... She's pregnant again and it is far more likely that this guy, baby daddy B who will be referred to as Brad, is the father of the child. Neither of them can afford lawyers so getting any kind of custody agreement is a mess, and then their parents got involved and they did 50/50 split (still not made official). She has the baby, that does turn out to be Brad's, and everything is okay for about nine months, when she finds out Brad has been cheating on her with his TA. Brad decides to pay child support but doesn't really want contact with the kid, only around holidays and one weekend a month for his parents' sake.
She moves back in with her parents (we're all 20 now) who only accept her back because there's grandchildren around. On the plus side, (when she's 21) she gets to take that year long dispatcher course, and passes with flying colours!
After working as a dispatcher for a year (we're all 22 now) she meets a police officer we'll call Chad, who's 26 and married... And Adam's second (?) cousin (I can't remember how they're related, just that Adam and Chad are related somewhat distantly). She has an affair with him (infidelity is super common among cops apparently). She gets knocked up, his wife divorces him, Chad proposes because "it's the right thing to do", she accepts, and her parents kick her out again for being a [insert expletive here], she moves in with Chad with her two kids. They've started planning the wedding, which... Given the background is something akin to a dumpster fire. Adam is LIVID. He was desperately in love with this girl and hasn't really recovered from what she did to him, and while she rejected his proposals years ago, she's accepted one FROM HIS COUSIN WHO PROPSED FOR THE SAME REASON HE DID.
Adam has basically made a call for loyalty in the family, dividing everyone one who should go, who should give money, etc plus they're having trouble planning anything because of COVID. Her parents have outright said that they're not going, along with half of her family, and her younger sister has been going around and sabotaging what plans they can make.
She has asked me to be a bridesmaid, I said that I couldn't because I live in a different province now, but the truth is, I do not want to be wrapped up in that clusterfuck in any way . I'm just watching the arguments and events unfold on social media because this is quite honestly the most entertaining thing I've seen all year. It's weird to me that she even asked because we're not friends, we never have been. We were friendly strangers in high school, I just helped her out for one class because she needed help and I could give it to her. I was just being nice. But based on how she turned out I'm just sad for her. Three kids in four years, and she's alienated so much of her friends and family because if her actions, and I'm torn between feeling sorry for her and putting my head in my hands.
EDIT 1:
First off, all of your comments are hilarious. Second, I'm going to answer some of the common questions.
We're from a city with over 400,000 thousand people, she just comes from the neighbourhood that is made of either bible thumpers or white trash, with no in between. But the high school we went to was in a completely different neighbourhood than that.
Our school had a pretty good sex Ed course, and they gave out free condoms and had resources to help girls get birth control, and they had programs in place for if students ever got pregnant/were going to be teen parents (they also had one of those classes with the dolls for girls who were high risk at teen pregnancy but she wasn't high risk so she wasn't in that class) I don't if BC just didn't work for her, or if she never tried it.
She started alienating her friends after the affair with Chad came out, because people weren't exactly jumping for joy that she'd broken up a marriage (Chad and his ex didn't have any kids, thankfully, so there were less obstacles). When people weren't immediately ecstatic for her she started getting very snippy, rude, and was "calling the bitches out" on social media for not supporting her new relationship or pregnancy. (Tbh I'm really worried about her health because having this many babies so close together is just not good for her health, mental or physical.) People are also worried that Chad will cheat on her "if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you" and think she should avoid marrying him so that she can just leave him if it happens.
I'll give you updates as they come out, but so far it's just a lot of yelling on social media (mostly from her), some relatives slut shaming her, and people who are just really worried about her because, as funny as this is, this doesn't seem like healthy behaviour.
EDIT 2:
First off, I realized I never gave this girl a name. For the sake of clarity we'll call her Beth. I realize that I didn't mention this before, but all of these are fake names.
Second, to everyone commenting that Chad is at fault for his marriage breaking up, believe me I'm well aware of that. It is his ex wife and her family/friends who solely blame Beth. Chad is also older than her and has more life experience, so I do believe that he could potentially be taking advantage of her naivete. However, she is also an adult who is capable of making her own decisions and has chosen to make poor ones in the past.
Third, people who are upset that I'm posting this story here, claiming I'm humiliating her. She has been posting about this mess on every social media platform she has since they got engaged in July. She put this out there long before I did except she did so in front of friends, family, employers, and coworkers, as well as internet randos.
Fourth, despite getting engaged in July and attempting to start planning then, I was only asked to be a bridesmaid three days ago. I knew that there was a mess going on but I didn't really pay attention to it until she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I tried to ask what was going on, I said that she should talk to someone, but when she completely brushed me off I checked her FB and Instagram and found out about all of... This.
Fifth, I realized that I didn't really talk about how disastrous the wedding planning has been going, see here you go:

• they've had to rebook three times because venues and vendors kept cancelling when infection numbers got worse even thought their wedding was months away
• Beth has been flipping between having the wedding while she's pregnant saying she's proud of her bump, and wanting to wait until they're born because she feels fat, which is unfortunate because she's been breaking down due her insecurity on a public platform
• Beth is currently seven months pregnant
• Beth's great aunt was going to give her her wedding dress to wear (after she gives birth) but Beth's mom freaked and stole the dress from said aunt before Beth could get it and is now keeping it, the great aunt says she's too old to get in a fight and has shrugged it off
• Chad's immediate family is paying for the wedding and has been cut off by the rest of their extended family for 'choosing Chad'
• Beth's wedding colours are pink and green, which is usually a nice combo but the specific shades don't go great together, they're her and Chad's favourite colours, which is fine but she literally made a video talking about these colours for 14 minutes on her insta and both of her kids are just full on bawling in the background and she's ignoring them and she's gotten some flack for that
• Adam is finally settled into his trade and has now hired a lawyer and is trying to get primary custody and not allow his daughter to go to the wedding
• she's planning a zoom baby showebachelorette party and has sent out a registry and she's asking for crazy expensive things
• she's also set up a go fund me to help pay for a honeymoon and is making a lot of posts about how no one loves her cause the fund only has $1267 of the $20k she wanted

I'll update when I can but I'm still in school and while I do want to help her, she's refused help offered in the past and there's only so much of this I can take mentally right now.
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UPDATE:
Hey everyone, so some stuff has gone down, and it doesn't look like it's over yet. Sorry, I didn't update sooner, but Rona came back with a vengeance and totally messed up plans with uni and family. Anyway, onto the update.
From the last update - 16th - Lots of ranting and chaotic wedding planning on social media, she found a dress and has decided she will get married while pregnant, they found a local wedding venue that is very lovely, but I'm shocked she's still trying to book stuff with all of their previous venue cancellations.
December 16th - Her little sister unblocked her to call her a s*ut and tell her that all her wedding plans were stupid. This resulted in a petty and entertaining facebook war until the little sis blocked her again on the 17th.
December 18th - Beth went nuts on social media because Adam had "kidnapped" their daughter, what really happened is that because courts are moving at a snail's pace due to COVID and Adam had reason to believe that their daughter was not safe living with Beth he decided to just... Not give her back. They don't have a custody agreement, and when Beth tried to call the cops they couldn't do anything because he was kinda right. There were dozens of videos on her various social media accounts of her ignoring their daughter, yelling at her daughter for crying or doing other things that toddlers do, it turns out that everything she needed was bought by Adam, food, diapers, clothes, toys, daycare (while it was open) etc. on top of the unofficial child support he was paying every month (which turned out to be $500 a month, a number I find ridiculous because Adam was already paying for literally everything) because she refused to buy anything for her daughter and insisted it was Adam's responsibility. Additionally, after the immediate post-birth appointments, Beth never took baby A to a doctor's appointment, she always deferred that to Adam. Baby A's pediatrician has NEVER met Beth. Beth even tried to get Chad to push back or intimidate him or something, but the local police where we live are under one hell of a microscope after a bunch of dirty cops got busted a couple of years ago. Basically, the cops, and the social worker they ended up calling, ended up saying there was nothing she could do until they get to court. The social worker tried to get her to go to therapy and parenting classes, but Beth refused and went on a fifteen paragraph long rant on Facebook about how she doesn't need parenting classes or therapy (she really, really does though) and called the social worker some choice words.
December 19-24 - Just a bunch of ranting on social media, calling everyone who doesn't enable or justify her behaviour cuss words, slurs, and a whole bunch of other horribly creative things. Also, both she and Chad are under investigation at work now, but she has no idea why. I'm gonna take this time to remind everyone that 99% of this info is coming from her public social media pages where her coworkers are friends and place of employment is listed.
December 25 - I am officially embarrassed to know this woman. I didn't go on her FB page until the evening cause I didn't want to deal with drama, first thing in the morning, on Xmas. In the morning she put on a very beautiful blue maternity dress, got Chad in his police blues, and baby B in a purple romper, and then live-streamed her and her family going to the courthouse to get married on Christmas day. (According to her Twitter, part of this was because their newest venue cancelled on them after COVID numbers spiked) Overall, a pretty tacky thing in my opinion because she stated plain as day, several times, that she intended her wedding anniversary to eclipse Christmas for her children because it's just "so much more special, you know?" (I am so glad that Baby B's grandparents are filing for guardianship) But here's the thing... The courthouse isn't open. Because of COVID for one thing, but also because it's Xmas and Canada has a predominantly Christian history. She proceeded to have a full meltdown, and when Baby B cried because, y'know, the kid's mom was screaming up a storm and scaring her, Beth called her a c*nt. Yup. So done with this bitch.
December 28 - I ran into her at a vaccine clinic cause we were both getting our booster shots. She didn't recognize me at first but one of my old bosses (cause I used to work at the hospital the vaccine clinic was in) called my name and said hi, so she came up to me after my old boss had left. We talked a bit while we sat down for the mandatory waiting period after getting the shot. She asked how I was but didn't even wait for me to respond before she started ranting and complaining about her life. I was just going to sit there until the time was up and then just politely make my exit, but when she started talking shit about her kids something inside me snapped. I just said "Do you even like your kids? Do you like being a mom?" She got pretty quiet for a second and then said "no". Idk, her voice and demeanour completely changed and we just sat in silence until our time was up. I said goodbye but it was really awkward.
December 31st (today) - I just looked at her feed and, this is such a shocking what-the-actual-f*** moment. She's thinking about giving up her kids. She went on about how recently she was asked if she liked her kids or being a mom, and how she realized that she didn't. She hates her children and blames them for ruining her life, and how she doesn't want to be a mom. I mean, nothing is official yet, but what the hell?!
I'll update as stuff happens now that I have the time, but this whole thing has been a big giant mess. Also, sorry for any formatting or grammatical errors, I'm not used to using Reddit on my PC.
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UPDATE
Okay, so, some stuff has happened and most of it's good? Also, the TL:DR for this update will be at the bottom
Jan 4th - Beth (and Chad) stopped posting on all social media. I was actually a little worried she died, I mean this woman posts everything short of her trips to the bathroom on IG.
Oddly enough, this got people messaging or interacting with her social media pages because she was usually the one to start contact, and that contact was usually yelling. No one heard from them and some people started to be like "should we call the cops for a wellness check?" Until Chad posted a status saying that they're fine but are "busy, please stop trying to contact us right now". Everyone listened but it was weird.
Jan 11 - I got a notification that Beth and Chad are active on social media again, but I didn't feel like drama so I didn't check out any of their posts.
Jan 12 (today) - she messaged me on FB asking me to be her MOH. She also kept going on about the resort in Cancun that she and Chad were looking to have their wedding at... This coming February. Omnicrom is really bad where we are, so no one should be travelling anywhere. I've actually had to delay my trip back to the province where I go to university. No one should be travelling anywhere.
Beth also found out that Chad was cheating on her with one of her co-workers and called the woman a "homewrecker" on FB tagged her, and posted the texts she found on Chad's phone. But Chad is the "love of her life" so she's forgiven him, but not the other woman. Which I find very hypocritical, considering how she and Chad got together.
She also sent pics of possible bridesmaid dresses and they are the most hideous dresses I've ever seen. I know that some brides do that thing where they want to look a million times better by comparison but this was just ridiculous. One of them looked like a partially deflated balloon with feathers strapped to it. She also openly admitted that she expected everyone attending to pay 3k, 2k would go towards that guest's stay at the resort and 1k would go to her and Chad and they will expected wedding gifts, so that they could get their room for free. Apparently, she talked to someone at the resort and if she got enough people to book their rooms she and Chad would get theirs for free. She also wanted the money to be given to her instead of directly to the hotel so that people wouldn't realize that she was taking 1k of their money. Beth sent me a pic of the wedding dress she wanted, and it's definitely a clubbing dress. If that's what she wants that's fine (and for the record I do think she would look great in it, Beth's (current) dream wedding dress ) but she wants all the guests to be dressed black tie. And she's already sent a list of unreasonable requests. Such as;

• all women must wear heels (for a wedding in the beach???)
• no one is allowed to have a baby or be pregnant (really?)
• girls must have longer than shoulder length hair, boys must have very short hair, only and inch or two long
• no one is allowed to be skinnier than her
• she will be providing diets for everyone attending based on how she wants us to look
• she and Chad must get bachelor and bachelorette parties both in Canada and in Mexico that need to be "fit for a king and queen" and both must be paid for but anyone but the bride and groom "cause that's just tacky"
• no unnatural hair
• no tattoos (you have five tattoos, Beth, and in the dress you want all will be on full display)
• no one is allowed to talk to her directly, they must speak through the MOH and BM

Honestly there's a lot more but I didn't feel like typing all that out. She's posted the list on FB and IG and people are already calling her a bridezilla.
I was also just kinda weirded out because aside from the previous convo at the hospital and when she originally asked me to be a bridesmaid, we haven't spoken since high school. So I respectfully declined, stating that the virus and school were my top concerns right now. Then, I decided to check her socials to see if she'd posted anything. She had and everything was basically how it was before the hiatus... Except her kids are nowhere to be found. No "look at my cute baby" pics are kids crying in the background of her videos. Nothing. Though, based on her new pics of herself, she's given birth to baby C. I mean, she's definitely still recovering, but she also definitely had a baby and that baby is not on any of her socials, so when she responded to my decline with an attempt at guilting me to be her MOH, I asked her where her kids were. This was her response.
"Oh, I left them at the side of the road in our way home from the hospital those moochers could walk home lol"
I was like, please tell me you're not being serious (especially cause it looks like she had the baby days ago). And she replied "I was just joking you shouldn't be so serious all the time". Honey, you made a joke about child abandonment/abuse, you're not being serious enough. And then I finally got the update on the kids.

• Baby A is still with Adam, Beth signed away her rights
• Baby B and Baby C have been given to a mutual cousin of Adam and Chad who is infertile (tbh I didn't need that last tidbit of info or the three paragraph long rant about how God hates infertile women, I didn't even read all of it, I couldn't, and I didn't think that Beth could be so cruel to even think those things). I checked out the FB page of Baby B's grandparents and they're happy with their grandchild's new parents, it looks like the cousin and her husband and welcoming them to the family as another set of grandparents and will let them have access to B. So yay!
• One thing I do need to stress though is that because of COVID the courts in our areas are either moving at a snail's pace or closed, so none of this is "official" but Beth (and Chad) has signed paperwork and all that needs to happen now is presenting that to a judge.

And when I rejoined our convo she said the doc she had for baby C gave her brith control, and she was surprised cause after her first pregnancy she asked her doctor for it but he refused to give her any. She mentioned that her old doctor was also her mom's and sister's doctor, she ended up asking the doc who delivered baby C to be her new doctor, so I hope that works out.
After learning all this my convo with Beth started to go down hill...
Beth: wait, did you actually think I would just leave my kids at the side of the road! I just didn't want to be a mom, but I wasn't a bad one
Me: Beth, I think that you've been through a lot of trauma in the past few years, and that it's gotten to you mentally and that you should speak to a professional.
(Of course, Beth has been a bad mom, but she does need mental health help and I wasn't going to convince her to get it, or to not tell at me, if I said that )
Beth: what? You think I'm crazy?!
Me: no. I think that getting kicked out as a teen because of a pregnancy and having your family actively reject you and try to sabotage you must have been very painful. Plus, pregnancy puts a lot of mental stress on women and you've had three in such a short time span, I just want you to take care of yourself and get what you want in life, and I think that will start with you taking care of your mental health.
Beth: what I want... IS FOR YOU TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL! Beth then calls me every cuss word, expletive, and derogatory word she can think of one of the words she called me was a derogatory word about people from my ethnicity and my blood is boiling that she thought it was okay to say that to me.
So, I'm now on her hit list. She's been blowing up my social media all day, on her last FB post where she called me a slur she said that she still expects a good wedding gift from me. Yeah, no. So I've blocked her on everything, and I've decided to completely cut off contact. This will be my last update.
TL:DR - Beth went on a social media blackout for a bit, had baby C. Gave up all her kids, baby A is still with Adam, Baby B and Baby C are with a mutual cousin of Adam and Chad and baby B's grandparents have access. Chad cheated on her and she forgave him, but she probably shouldn't have. She's decided to have her wedding in a little over a month in Cancun and is expecting unreasonable things of everyone already. She asked me to be MOH I respectfully declined. I also suggested that she talk to a mental health professional because she's been through a lot in the last few years and she cussed me out, she also called me a derogatory name directed at people of my ethnicity and that was the final nail in the coffin. I'm now on her hit list. But her kids are safe and I have no interest in going to wedding so I'm cutting contact completely and have already blocked her on all my socials. I'm refusing to be involved with her anymore and will not be updating on the situation.
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--- EDIT - NEW UPDATE --- - JANUARY 25, 2023 - TL:DR AT THE BOTTOM
Hi, everyone, I didn't think I would be making another update, but here I am. I don't know if anyone will even care but whatever. I saw a YouTuber, Charlotte Dobre, do an entire video about this post on Facebook (which was funny, she did it well), [editor's note: here's the video in question and also: check out Charlotte Dobre's subreddit !] and got so nervous that Beth was gonna see it. Turned out, she's seen it and does not give a single damn, because as I pointed out, the majority of the info in this post came from her public social media. She also doesn't know who posted it (more on that in the update). I am still no contact with Beth and have no plans to change that anytime soon, but we have mutual friends who have told and shown me what's happened.
First things first, she and Chad did get married, but they eloped. According to all sources they are completely and utterly miserable though. Chad has proven to be and overall lazy and unfaithful husband, and Beth has really gotten into feminism (with a focus on reproductive issues) after she started using birth control, and Roe v Wade getting overturned (even though we're in Canada) really caused tension in their marriage. As it turns out, Chad thinks that abortion is murder and God created women for the purpose of making babies.
Beth tried to argue that not all women want or should be mothers using herself as an example, and then Chad went ahead and used her as an example of why women should be forced to have kids, because in the end she gave kids to an infertile couple. She didn't take that well and said that her entire life and future was ripped away from her and destroyed the second she got pregnant with baby A. Adam was never slut shamed or demeaned like she was, both at home and at school (which is a fair point, myself and many others were helpful and supportive but there were a lot of people who judged the hell out of her and said really nasty stuff) and that if she hadn't gotten pregnant she would've gone to college or university because she lost the general and financial support of her family with that positive pregnancy test. Chad has made a Tinder account. Beth was informed but it doesn't seem like she gave a damn.
So basically you could cut the tension with a knife.
And with her family, her sister came out as gay and cut off/has been cut off from their parents. But she's got a partial scholarship so she's doing okay. She and Beth are NOT on good terms but have met up and acknowledged that their parents messed them up by being religious nuts and their parents encouraged them to be competitive with each other and sabotage each other. Apparently their dad's motto is "competition brings out the best in everyone" (ugh). But they've talked and that's good enough for now.
Neither Beth nor Chad have custody or visitation of their children, which Chad is starting to regret because he's suddenly getting more and more into the church and religion. Chad talked to Beth about getting baby C back but Beth shut that down hard and warned the cousin who adopted baby C (officially and legally btw).
Beth started going to therapy after she and Chad got married, which makes me very happy and excited for her.
There was a rumour going around that Chad has a mistress and it took me a while to confirm, but it's true. He's cheating on her with a paramedic and she knows. Beth is fully aware. Idk if she plans to do anything about it or just continue to ignore it, but I hope she leaves his ass. I'm still not gonna talk to her, she crossed so many lines, but she's grown and improved a lot and her life would be a lot better without that sac of scum in her life.
Now, I have given a few details in my post that should've revealed my identity to her, namely her asking me to be her MOH. I have found out that she actually asked around 15 girls (including myself) to be her MOH, without telling any of us about the others because she was trying to get money from all of us and because her mental health has just been very bad and she needed help. And of those 15, 8 have been going to school out of province and of those eight we all had basically the same classes in high school. And apparently doesn't remember our discussion at the vaccination clinic and had major blow up with everyone she asked to be MOH. So she knows it's one of 8 people and reportedly has no interest in trying to narrow that number down. (Chad did the same thing with his groomsmen, but idk any of the numbers)
TL:DR Beth and Chad got married (eloped), are miserable, have zero custody or visitation with any of their children, Chad's cheating and Beth doesn't appear to care, Chad is super sexist, Beth is a feminist now, Beth's sister is gay and they've talked but not reconciled, Beth asked too many girls to be MOH for money and doesn't know the ID of who made this post.
Dear "Beth", if this post gets forwarded to you or somehow graces your phone screen, leave Chad. He's trash and you'll be much better without him in your life. And though I'm not willing to talk to you again because of your words and actions, I do wish for you to have a wonderful and happy life.
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Please remember the NO BRIGADING RULE: do not comment on the original posts linked in BoRUs, see Rule 7. Doing so can result into a permanent ban from this sub and the other linked sub(s).
I'm not the OOP!

I found out my WS was having an emotional affair with a friend from high school that confessed to having feelings for him after his high school girlfriend broke up with him. They started chatting a lot after I thought we had healed from DD1/2 (no PA). I blocked her on everything on his phone when I found out, including social media. I few days after DD3 he unblocked her phone number without telling me to inform her that I found out about their constant texting and flirty messages/exchanged videos/pictures and communication would need to stop. Their interactions were nothing sexual, but flirty, calling each other baby and even using a non-English word I thought was reserved for me. He always said he was providing her "emotional support" because she had a shitty husband that was inept with taking care of their 3 kids. I found out later he would complain about me to her as well. Their friendship was a thorn in my side, but he was pretending to be transparent, telling me all her marriage drama but leaving out the fact he was flirting with her. I never brought up my concern (even after after DD1/2) because I desperately wanted to trust him.
It took 6-7 months after to get to a good spot again together. It felt like it was finally true, that your marriage can heal after infidelity and be strongebetter than before. Things were great from Nov 2023 until now. (We hosted 20+ members of his family in our home for New Years. Everyone complimented that I was a great host and he said my WS was grateful for it. I grew up a single child with very little interaction with my extended family, plus I'm introverted so having a lot of family around was different for me but I tried my best.) I stopped looking through his phone for a few months then checked it a few weeks ago. He unblocked the AP on social media and I saw he has searched for her. I confronted him and we had a huge fight. Our young kid was home and kept coming downstairs to check on us. He kind of broke and hugged me and we rug swept the issue. He has to travel often for his work that entails 2 different jobs. This past month he's been home for a few days then leaves for a week or two. He came home recently and we had an impromptu camping trip. I realized in the car that he changed his phone password (turning his phone away from me to unlock it). It was extremely triggering and I couldn't be in the moment most of the trip which made me angry because we were on a pleasure trip.
After two more trips of his, he began prodding me if I was okay because I had been moping. I finally told him that I was upset about a fight we had a while ago and the fact he changed his phone password. He explained he unblocked his AP on social media because for him, personally, he wants to know that he can have a person unblocked but control the urge to reach out to them. (I obviously don't feel the same.) I told him that if she reached out to him, I wanted him to tell me. He disagreed and felt that he wouldn't want to ruin a good day to tell me that information. (I'm currently reading Not Just Friends and know that being transparent would allow greater intimacy between married spouses.)
So now I'm stuck in a hard spot. I love my husband. We both have solid careers, bring good money home, we have a happy young daughter, a beautiful home that we own. We're able to have my parents watch our daughter so we can have time to ourselves. We created a sanctuary in our backyard, see a lot of wildlife and started to grow our own food. He's amazing in every way besides his method of painkiller (cheating/flirting with other women) which I believe stems from childhood because his father cheated on his mom and had a kid out of wedlock.
I told him that if he cannot agree to an open phone policy anymore that we may not be compatible: Separation/Divorce. I can see he is stressed from this. Now that I got it off my chest about my condition for our marriage, I'm more at peace at the moment. But I see that he is pained. In turn, I want to be loving to him because it's what is natural to me and I hate seeing him upset.
I'm disappointed that it has come to this a year+ after DD3 and we had been doing amazing for the past few months. We've had the best time in our marriage that we ever have. I have a storm inside of me but I have a brave face on for my kid. If anyone has advice on how to approach this, I would appreciate it.

Sorry for my bad english
Well, I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years, I am M19 F19, we are about to start college and there are changes that I did not expect so soon.
My girlfriend is not one to have a lot of friends or girlfriends in general, she always had 1 or 2 at most and lately we are spending more time together than we have in a while.
She started talking to high school classmates these days and I was happy that she had friends outside of our relationship.
She started talking to a guy she met before she met me, she told me once that she used to like him a few years ago, and a few months ago we had a discussion in which she mentioned that she dreamed about him doing romantic things and it didn't affect me because I knew it was part of her past but I found it weird, since she almost took it as an excuse to end the relationship, according to me because she was confused.
These days she started to make contact with him and a few more friends that she told me about making a group between them, when she mentioned it to me I felt a little surprised and a little insecure, I mentioned it to her and she told me calm is just that I want to have friends and I thought it was a good idea to contact them and take the friendship again well, I replied it seems good but I just wanted wue keep in mind that it makes me a little uncomfortable that situation, but I do not want you to change or stop talking to her then ended that conversation without getting to much , just me accepting the idea.
Yesterday we went to an event in which I went away from her for a while to go to the bathroom telling her that I would wait for her at the entrance because her father was going to pick her up, so I could accompany her to the bathroom, then time passed and I saw her going out with a guy that didn't look familiar smiling and laughing and looking somewhat flirtatious while talking to her, then my mood changed, I felt jealous and insecure (I must admit that I was very rude) I approached her without knowing how I should act because she was not meeting and being friendly with guys in general, and even less if they were strangers so I went to meet them and I went ahead of them in an abrupt way, with a face of a bitter feeling I went out and went ahead to meet her father, she had dropped something but I only saw it out of the corner of my eye while I was picking it up and I don't know for sure what happened with the guy I was with, then I got to her father and I said goodbye with a low voice while I went on my way (I know, very rude). By the time I got home I grabbed my cell phone and started blocking and unblocking her and the networks and unfollowing her and things I'm not proud to say, then I calmed down and thought better of it and it didn't make sense what I was doing.
She sent me a message apologizing for how she left and asking me if it was ok because the previous attitude is not normal for me (I am usually too affectionate and attentive to her so she thought it was weird) then I explained to her why I was that way, she told me it was a partner from an ex-job that just told her what happened with that place, I felt partly relieved and embarrassed by my attitude, and all that night I behaved in a bad way with her so to speak, then she sent me messages saying your way of acting and the way you treat me when you get like that, I do not like and it makes me uncomfortable, to think that if I have more friends when you see me you will behave that way and that is very selfish of you.
In the night tonight I dreamt 2 times of her being with the two guys I mentioned to you and it put me in a weird mood, the first one being of her dating the first guy, being affectionate and such, the second one with her ex co-worker kissing and being boyfriend and girlfriend while I watched. Today in the morning I told her about the dreams and she said it's your problem to think I'll be with other guys and it got me thinking.
It's worth saying that I'm a little insecure physically, because of my height and how skinny I am, I've always struggled with jealousy for years, I try to handle it and not let it affect me too much but it always comes out in one way or another.
I don't want to keep feeling like this, pretending like I feel good in front of her, because it affects me, my relationship, my mood and therefore everything else.
How can I stop feeling this way? What do you think about my situation?

He’s too basic. I don’t understand all the love and admiration for this pre-school level fighter. I mean I know WHY people obsess over him, but that’s a topic for another day. “Errmm, cRuSaDEs!… ermgh hOLy LaNDs”….
He’s easy to beat if the opponent is lazy but his entire gimmick is 2 moves. You just spam 2 unblockables and that’s it.
Oh let me guess warden player. The heavy unblockable is a feint for an easy GB? How original. Mr.Titanium shoulder here is just gonna charge up his shoulder real quick so he can move at Mach 5 speed to interrupt an attack. Good thing I can just dodge backwards and completely dismantle your whole attack.
My most hated hero in the game is undoubtedly Warden. He’s ugly. Armor set is trash. He doesn’t look realistic. Voice line sucks. Hideous animations. Shoulder bash is a brain dead move used as a gimmick.
Everyone has a 50/50 move. His is my most hated. I usually always beat them. I just plain don’t like him. Raider should be the face of For Honor not warden.

Hello, I (F22) need advice regarding my friendship that was cut off almost a year ago. So myself and my bestfriend (F22) were great friends from grade 11 til 2nd year of college. We would hangout for days in a row and would always call or text everyday as well, I was considered family and she was as well on my end. We had the best times together and taught each other many things, I loved her a lot and care for her as well. Towards the end of our friendship she supported me less and took a mutual friends side as I got into an incident with one of them (it was 100% the other friends fault) and she supported the other friend when they were an addict, liar, cheater snd a toxic person. This broke my heart as it was betrayal and I felt like I was left behind, I got very busy with school and I wasn’t able to hangout with her as much while this was going on so the space away without clear communication did not help at all. I ended up going to her place to pick up something she had borrowed from me and that was the last time I saw her. A few days later I asked to grab drinks so we could talk and hopefully fix things and she refused and did not want to be friends anymore, I was sort of on the same page but I desperately wanted to sort things out because she mattered a lot to me. The texted back and forth turned into us just saying it how it was and me pointing out how she didn’t care for me or support be despite the toxicity from other ppl around us that were mean to me, she agreed that she needed to change and do better but one thing, she pointed out she didn’t feel it was necessary to block eachother but I went ahead and did on absolutely everything like two minutes later because I couldn’t stand not being friends with her and looking at her stuff online still :( a few months after her bday passed which was 3 months after the blocked and no contact she blocked me back on everything. It has now almost been a year and I have unblocked on everything as I have mentally forgiven her and I so desperately want to make amends or at least have a conversation in person. I feel as though she would not want this if I were to reach out and I’m too scared to do so, I’ve honestly hope she would reach out but I do not know what to do in this situation

Really really sorry for the big post and bad grammer. I'm an intelligent fellow but I really need help. I have nothing much to live for and haning by a thread.
First a little information about myself. I'm 23 years old, I currently live with my mother and younger brother (he's 12) and I'm their only financial support for now (I used to help them before by lying to my father and pretending to take money for myself but now they're fully dependent on me for everything like schooling, travel, food etc, ever since I got my job last year). I have been suffering from insomnia for the past 2 years mainly because things went from worse to way worse in my home and I was depressed and blamed myself for everything even though it's mainly my father and partially my mother's fault.
Now coming to the relationship, I got into my first ever relationship in 2021, it was a long distance. I was very naive, I matched this girl a few months ago on tinder and I asked her to meet me just a few days before I leave for college. We met and she said it was her best first date ever. I also told her that I don't want to marry anyone ( strange but I thought this was a big deal so I should be upfront), she told me later that she didn't hear it. Now, the next day, she asked me if we were dating, I happily said yes and she said hello boyfriend (I didn't know dating exactly meant being committed, I know pretty stupid.) I said okay let's go with the flow, we went on a few dates it was really good, but the problem was she wasn't physically attractive to me but I felt so horrible and guilty even for thinking that. Her personality was great, but this was my very first relationship, I pushed myself very hard for her (she also did), I learned how to drive for her, I was so scared because she lived pretty far and I never used to go that far but I did. I am a very cheap person when it comes to spending myself and never used to ask for money from home because we weren't that well financially and I also was told by my father that I should be grateful he gave me home and food like it's a favour he's doing. We'll a few days later I went to my college (it's pretty far away), I cried while going.
The next time I came back, things weren't as good, the not being attracted thing was getting me but I felt so horrible for it and hated myself. I starved myself in college and used to run for an hour daily without eating to lose fat for her (she didn't tell me to). I was miserable, I couldn't sleep, things were rough at home. I already had issue with self hatred because I couldn't do anything to make my mother proud and support her. I came back home, was very weak and lost a lot of weight. I again pushed myself for her, I went to meet her immediately after 40 hours of travel, barely any sleep and food. I was miserable.
One thing, she also pushed herself a lot, she had ocd and was studying to become a dentist, she used to come to meet me after whole day of college and ocd.
Now there was another issue that she made me spent (she used to give her half bill, but the cafes we went were expensive and also my car fuel and cab rent), as I said our financial situation was not that great and I hated asking for money because I felt I didn't deserve it.
This was the first time I asked to break up, I realised I came into the relationship too fast. But she said that she doesn't beleive in just giving up and we should fight it if we truly love each other. I was convinced and felt bad because I felt like I didn't fight for love.
This happened a few times ( I'm a little immature, I tried to breakup during a few of our fights when I couldn't bear it, I'm not saying I was not at fault in the fight, I have a habit of streching arguments a bit).
We always suffered because of my father's ego (still are), during our fights she told me I have a huge ego, and saying abuses is commen in her family so she abused me a few times during fight. I was fine with it but still it hurts, she told me that abusing is fine because she doesn't mean it but what I say is worse. I said that she was selfish and once I said don't act like victims and she was furious, I had to apologise.
We were fighting so much over phone, and on petty things. Once she was telling me abot a case in which a man's wife cheated him with his younger brother and I was shocked and said how can a younger brother do this he is related by blood and she was upset that I don't consider wife as equal and what if she marries me. I said that I've seen partners cheating but not with younger brother but she said I am gaslighting (I've never heard of this term before) her and it's not possible that I've not seen younger brother cheating with wife even in porn. I apologize after arguing a lot.
Once we were discussing about marriage and I said we can live a few days before marrying to get used to or see our habits and she got upset. See, a lot of the times she asks very hard question and I haven't given it a thought and she demands an answer so I say something that might upset her and we fight.
I was fed up of fighting and being called gaslighter, manipulators, having the biggest ego and that 95% fights are my fault. She was awesome, she used to give me so many gifts (I'm never used to it) and talk to me. But fighting took a very heavy toll for me and I because I felt horrible for the attraction things and also for fights I pushed myself to the limits for her everytime.
I am an extremely shy person when it comes to crowds and very insecure. But I danced for he infront of big crowds in public places for her videos even though I was so so uncomfortable I could've killed myself. I travelled to a city for her and stayed in a shitty dormatery in which my food was stolen, there also was no air conditioning and it was extremely hot. She also did a lot for me, once she came to the city in which I lived in for her vacation with her mother. I went to surprise her with flowers. I think that's too much information. Also, she told me in the beginning of relationship, no sex for 2 years, I agreed.
Now I was fed up with fighting and broke up once but it was terrible so went back. Finally, I broke up with her in April last year (1 year ago) and stopped contact. But she contacted me one day after a month to see how I was doing and it spiraled into talking and meeting. I again stopped contact and she contacted me to check up on her and that spiraled again into meeting and talking. I helped her every way I can because of the extreme guilt that I broke up and she said that I shouldn't have and she won't be able to find someone as compatible and it made me feel horrible everytime she said it. We again had a lot of fights in this 1 year period and I kept stopping contact. Once I was coming back from a date and she told me that she has exams and shes in a pretty bad state and asked me to stop using the dating app for a month or too and not meet anyone and meet her. I agreed and just before her exams were ended we had a fight and I stopped contact.
She was still not over me and made me feel guilty saying how can I be so cold, and if I truly loved her I would've tried more and she's suffering so much because of me and I have give her so much trauma. I feel so horrible everytime she says this and give hints to come back into relationship.
She made me swear to tell her if I makeout with someone or come into relationship. A lot of the times she makes me swear many things for reaffirmation. I was always extremely loyal, did everything for her(she also did a lot). But she said that I didn't so much mentally only physically I did.
Now I have very bad insomnia, I lost almost all of my friends (they're fine but turned out selfish and I was the one doing everything for them), my family situation is very bad, I'm stuck in this job which is nightshift and have insomnia, I got 1-2 days without sleep regularly, I have no one to talk to, I can't leave work because almost all my salary goes to helping my mother with her career and brother's studies. I haven't spent even 10 percent of my total salary on myself till date. I also have given her a lot of money in these past few month's to help her. I used to go to help and listen to her trouble even recently after 1 year of breakup even after I haven't slept for a day or two but I went. I pushed myself for everyone.
She says she wants to come back into relationship, I have told her so many times that I don't have feelings and mg life is a mess (she's also going through a lot so it's not not only me).
I came to my cousin sister's house a few days ago (my only relative who I talk to that also rarely), I was super drunk and her husband's sister came on me and we made out. I felt horrible and guilty. I told my ex because I promised and she is angry and said a lot of maan things like she thought I was good but I'm not, I'm so cold like Robot, how can I do this. (She had also made out with a guy when we had broken up but it's different she said because she thought there's no hope and we were not in contact.). I finally blocked her after an year of all this. I'm feeling horrible, I have no motivation to live, I hate my life and myself. I'm only living for my mother and brother who don't seem to be grateful or even care because they spend my hard earned money a bit carelessly (It's the first time I've earned, I know I'm a bad guy for saying they are not spending carefully but my working condition is horrible, I work without sleeping for 2 days or even more sometimes, I had to keep laughing because I teach and fake emotions).
I am hanging by a thread, I might've screwed mg ex's life and couldn't do much for my brother and mother. I might've list my only love and now my ex willl also say more bad thing's about me to others (I'm human, it feels bad to think that after pushing myself even though it's not that much, I'll be talked so badly).
What should I do about her, should I unblock and apologize (I've done it before, not the blocking part, that's first).
I'm hanging by a thread, I just want to die, had been struggling with these thoughts for so long.
Am I a horrible person in this relationship (I already am aware about a lot of bad aspects of mine, I have ego and mentally I couldn't change and couldn't find her attractive)..
Tl;dr: Blocked my ex an year after breakup. Physically pushed myself to limits for her because it was my first relationship. She said I didn't try enough and am not a good person. I am in a really bad place in life, hanging by a thread, there's nothing left to live. Did I do the wrong thing by breaking up?
Edit- Thank you, thank you so much everyone. I didn't think that anyone would read this mess and reply. I'm so grateful, these responses made me cry a bit. I won't forget your kind words, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Really really sorry for the big post and bad grammer. I'm an intelligent fellow but I really need help. I have nothing much to live for and haning by a thread.
First a little information about myself. I'm 23 years old, I currently live with my mother and younger brother (he's 12) and I'm their only financial support for now (I used to help them before by lying to my father and pretending to take money for myself but now they're fully dependent on me for everything like schooling, travel, food etc, ever since I got my job last year). I have been suffering from insomnia for the past 2 years mainly because things went from worse to way worse in my home and I was depressed and blamed myself for everything even though it's mainly my father and partially my mother's fault.
Now coming to the relationship, I got into my first ever relationship in 2021, it was a long distance. I was very naive, I matched this girl a few months ago on tinder and I asked her to meet me just a few days before I leave for college. We met and she said it was her best first date ever. I also told her that I don't want to marry anyone ( strange but I thought this was a big deal so I should be upfront), she told me later that she didn't hear it. Now, the next day, she asked me if we were dating, I happily said yes and she said hello boyfriend (I didn't know dating exactly meant being committed, I know pretty stupid.) I said okay let's go with the flow, we went on a few dates it was really good, but the problem was she wasn't physically attractive to me but I felt so horrible and guilty even for thinking that. Her personality was great, but this was my very first relationship, I pushed myself very hard for her (she also did), I learned how to drive for her, I was so scared because she lived pretty far and I never used to go that far but I did. I am a very cheap person when it comes to spending myself and never used to ask for money from home because we weren't that well financially and I also was told by my father that I should be grateful he gave me home and food like it's a favour he's doing. We'll a few days later I went to my college (it's pretty far away), I cried while going.
The next time I came back, things weren't as good, the not being attracted thing was getting me but I felt so horrible for it and hated myself. I starved myself in college and used to run for an hour daily without eating to lose fat for her (she didn't tell me to). I was miserable, I couldn't sleep, things were rough at home. I already had issue with self hatred because I couldn't do anything to make my mother proud and support her. I came back home, was very weak and lost a lot of weight. I again pushed myself for her, I went to meet her immediately after 40 hours of travel, barely any sleep and food. I was miserable.
One thing, she also pushed herself a lot, she had ocd and was studying to become a dentist, she used to come to meet me after whole day of college and ocd.
Now there was another issue that she made me spent (she used to give her half bill, but the cafes we went were expensive and also my car fuel and cab rent), as I said our financial situation was not that great and I hated asking for money because I felt I didn't deserve it.
This was the first time I asked to break up, I realised I came into the relationship too fast. But she said that she doesn't beleive in just giving up and we should fight it if we truly love each other. I was convinced and felt bad because I felt like I didn't fight for love.
This happened a few times ( I'm a little immature, I tried to breakup during a few of our fights when I couldn't bear it, I'm not saying I was not at fault in the fight, I have a habit of streching arguments a bit).
We always suffered because of my father's ego (still are), during our fights she told me I have a huge ego, and saying abuses is commen in her family so she abused me a few times during fight. I was fine with it but still it hurts, she told me that abusing is fine because she doesn't mean it but what I say is worse. I said that she was selfish and once I said don't act like victims and she was furious, I had to apologise.
We were fighting so much over phone, and on petty things. Once she was telling me abot a case in which a man's wife cheated him with his younger brother and I was shocked and said how can a younger brother do this he is related by blood and she was upset that I don't consider wife as equal and what if she marries me. I said that I've seen partners cheating but not with younger brother but she said I am gaslighting (I've never heard of this term before) her and it's not possible that I've not seen younger brother cheating with wife even in porn. I apologize after arguing a lot.
Once we were discussing about marriage and I said we can live a few days before marrying to get used to or see our habits and she got upset. See, a lot of the times she asks very hard question and I haven't given it a thought and she demands an answer so I say something that might upset her and we fight.
I was fed up of fighting and being called gaslighter, manipulators, having the biggest ego and that 95% fights are my fault. She was awesome, she used to give me so many gifts (I'm never used to it) and talk to me. But fighting took a very heavy toll for me and I because I felt horrible for the attraction things and also for fights I pushed myself to the limits for her everytime.
I am an extremely shy person when it comes to crowds and very insecure. But I danced for he infront of big crowds in public places for her videos even though I was so so uncomfortable I could've killed myself. I travelled to a city for her and stayed in a shitty dormatery in which my food was stolen, there also was no air conditioning and it was extremely hot. She also did a lot for me, once she came to the city in which I lived in for her vacation with her mother. I went to surprise her with flowers. I think that's too much information. Also, she told me in the beginning of relationship, no sex for 2 years, I agreed.
Now I was fed up with fighting and broke up once but it was terrible so went back. Finally, I broke up with her in April last year (1 year ago) and stopped contact. But she contacted me one day after a month to see how I was doing and it spiraled into talking and meeting. I again stopped contact and she contacted me to check up on her and that spiraled again into meeting and talking. I helped her every way I can because of the extreme guilt that I broke up and she said that I shouldn't have and she won't be able to find someone as compatible and it made me feel horrible everytime she said it. We again had a lot of fights in this 1 year period and I kept stopping contact. Once I was coming back from a date and she told me that she has exams and shes in a pretty bad state and asked me to stop using the dating app for a month or too and not meet anyone and meet her. I agreed and just before her exams were ended we had a fight and I stopped contact.
She was still not over me and made me feel guilty saying how can I be so cold, and if I truly loved her I would've tried more and she's suffering so much because of me and I have give her so much trauma. I feel so horrible everytime she says this and give hints to come back into relationship.
She made me swear to tell her if I makeout with someone or come into relationship. A lot of the times she makes me swear many things for reaffirmation. I was always extremely loyal, did everything for her(she also did a lot). But she said that I didn't so much mentally only physically I did.
Now I have very bad insomnia, I lost almost all of my friends (they're fine but turned out selfish and I was the one doing everything for them), my family situation is very bad, I'm stuck in this job which is nightshift and have insomnia, I got 1-2 days without sleep regularly, I have no one to talk to, I can't leave work because almost all my salary goes to helping my mother with her career and brother's studies. I haven't spent even 10 percent of my total salary on myself till date. I also have given her a lot of money in these past few month's to help her. I used to go to help and listen to her trouble even recently after 1 year of breakup even after I haven't slept for a day or two but I went. I pushed myself for everyone.
She says she wants to come back into relationship, I have told her so many times that I don't have feelings and mg life is a mess (she's also going through a lot so it's not not only me).
I came to my cousin sister's house a few days ago (my only relative who I talk to that also rarely), I was super drunk and her husband's sister came on me and we made out. I felt horrible and guilty. I told my ex because I promised and she is angry and said a lot of maan things like she thought I was good but I'm not, I'm so cold like Robot, how can I do this. (She had also made out with a guy when we had broken up but it's different she said because she thought there's no hope and we were not in contact.). I finally blocked her after an year of all this. I'm feeling horrible, I have no motivation to live, I hate my life and myself. I'm only living for my mother and brother who don't seem to be grateful or even care because they spend my hard earned money a bit carelessly (It's the first time I've earned, I know I'm a bad guy for saying they are not spending carefully but my working condition is horrible, I work without sleeping for 2 days or even more sometimes, I had to keep laughing because I teach and fake emotions).
I am hanging by a thread, I might've screwed mg ex's life and couldn't do much for my brother and mother. I might've list my only love and now my ex willl also say more bad thing's about me to others (I'm human, it feels bad to think that after pushing myself even though it's not that much, I'll be talked so badly).
What should I do about her, should I unblock and apologize (I've done it before, not the blocking part, that's first).
I'm hanging by a thread, I just want to die, had been struggling with these thoughts for so long.
Am I a horrible person in this relationship (I already am aware about a lot of bad aspects of mine, I have ego and mentally I couldn't change and couldn't find her attractive)..
Tl;dr: Blocked my ex an year after breakup. Physically pushed myself to limits for her because it was my first relationship. She said I didn't try enough and am not a good person. I am in a really bad place in life, hanging by a thread, there's nothing left to live. Did I do the wrong thing by breaking up?
Edit- I just wanted to thank everyone that commented. I didn't expect anyone to read this mess. You guy's replies made me tear up a bit. Thank you,thank you so much! You guys are some amazing people who cared for a random guy like me on the internet, I feel like I don't even deserve this. I'm so grateful.

Really really sorry for the big post and bad grammer. I'm an intelligent fellow but I really need help. I have nothing much to live for and haning by a thread.
First a little information about myself. I'm 23 years old, I currently live with my mother and younger brother (he's 12) and I'm their only financial support for now (I used to help them before by lying to my father and pretending to take money for myself but now they're fully dependent on me for everything like schooling, travel, food etc, ever since I got my job last year). I have been suffering from insomnia for the past 2 years mainly because things went from worse to way worse in my home and I was depressed and blamed myself for everything even though it's mainly my father and partially my mother's fault.
Now coming to the relationship, I got into my first ever relationship in 2021, it was a long distance. I was very naive, I matched this girl a few months ago on tinder and I asked her to meet me just a few days before I leave for college. We met and she said it was her best first date ever. I also told her that I don't want to marry anyone ( strange but I thought this was a big deal so I should be upfront), she told me later that she didn't hear it. Now, the next day, she asked me if we were dating, I happily said yes and she said hello boyfriend (I didn't know dating exactly meant being committed, I know pretty stupid.) I said okay let's go with the flow, we went on a few dates it was really good, but the problem was she wasn't physically attractive to me but I felt so horrible and guilty even for thinking that. Her personality was great, but this was my very first relationship, I pushed myself very hard for her (she also did), I learned how to drive for her, I was so scared because she lived pretty far and I never used to go that far but I did. I am a very cheap person when it comes to spending myself and never used to ask for money from home because we weren't that well financially and I also was told by my father that I should be grateful he gave me home and food like it's a favour he's doing. We'll a few days later I went to my college (it's pretty far away), I cried while going.
The next time I came back, things weren't as good, the not being attracted thing was getting me but I felt so horrible for it and hated myself. I starved myself in college and used to run for an hour daily without eating to lose fat for her (she didn't tell me to). I was miserable, I couldn't sleep, things were rough at home. I already had issue with self hatred because I couldn't do anything to make my mother proud and support her. I came back home, was very weak and lost a lot of weight. I again pushed myself for her, I went to meet her immediately after 40 hours of travel, barely any sleep and food. I was miserable.
One thing, she also pushed herself a lot, she had ocd and was studying to become a dentist, she used to come to meet me after whole day of college and ocd.
Now there was another issue that she made me spent (she used to give her half bill, but the cafes we went were expensive and also my car fuel and cab rent), as I said our financial situation was not that great and I hated asking for money because I felt I didn't deserve it.
This was the first time I asked to break up, I realised I came into the relationship too fast. But she said that she doesn't beleive in just giving up and we should fight it if we truly love each other. I was convinced and felt bad because I felt like I didn't fight for love.
This happened a few times ( I'm a little immature, I tried to breakup during a few of our fights when I couldn't bear it, I'm not saying I was not at fault in the fight, I have a habit of streching arguments a bit).
We always suffered because of my father's ego (still are), during our fights she told me I have a huge ego, and saying abuses is commen in her family so she abused me a few times during fight. I was fine with it but still it hurts, she told me that abusing is fine because she doesn't mean it but what I say is worse. I said that she was selfish and once I said don't act like victims and she was furious, I had to apologise.
We were fighting so much over phone, and on petty things. Once she was telling me abot a case in which a man's wife cheated him with his younger brother and I was shocked and said how can a younger brother do this he is related by blood and she was upset that I don't consider wife as equal and what if she marries me. I said that I've seen partners cheating but not with younger brother but she said I am gaslighting (I've never heard of this term before) her and it's not possible that I've not seen younger brother cheating with wife even in porn. I apologize after arguing a lot.
Once we were discussing about marriage and I said we can live a few days before marrying to get used to or see our habits and she got upset. See, a lot of the times she asks very hard question and I haven't given it a thought and she demands an answer so I say something that might upset her and we fight.
I was fed up of fighting and being called gaslighter, manipulators, having the biggest ego and that 95% fights are my fault. She was awesome, she used to give me so many gifts (I'm never used to it) and talk to me. But fighting took a very heavy toll for me and I because I felt horrible for the attraction things and also for fights I pushed myself to the limits for her everytime.
I am an extremely shy person when it comes to crowds and very insecure. But I danced for he infront of big crowds in public places for her videos even though I was so so uncomfortable I could've killed myself. I travelled to a city for her and stayed in a shitty dormatery in which my food was stolen, there also was no air conditioning and it was extremely hot. She also did a lot for me, once she came to the city in which I lived in for her vacation with her mother. I went to surprise her with flowers. I think that's too much information. Also, she told me in the beginning of relationship, no sex for 2 years, I agreed.
Now I was fed up with fighting and broke up once but it was terrible so went back. Finally, I broke up with her in April last year (1 year ago) and stopped contact. But she contacted me one day after a month to see how I was doing and it spiraled into talking and meeting. I again stopped contact and she contacted me to check up on her and that spiraled again into meeting and talking. I helped her every way I can because of the extreme guilt that I broke up and she said that I shouldn't have and she won't be able to find someone as compatible and it made me feel horrible everytime she said it. We again had a lot of fights in this 1 year period and I kept stopping contact. Once I was coming back from a date and she told me that she has exams and shes in a pretty bad state and asked me to stop using the dating app for a month or too and not meet anyone and meet her. I agreed and just before her exams were ended we had a fight and I stopped contact.
She was still not over me and made me feel guilty saying how can I be so cold, and if I truly loved her I would've tried more and she's suffering so much because of me and I have give her so much trauma. I feel so horrible everytime she says this and give hints to come back into relationship.
She made me swear to tell her if I makeout with someone or come into relationship. A lot of the times she makes me swear many things for reaffirmation. I was always extremely loyal, did everything for her(she also did a lot). But she said that I didn't so much mentally only physically I did.
Now I have very bad insomnia, I lost almost all of my friends (they're fine but turned out selfish and I was the one doing everything for them), my family situation is very bad, I'm stuck in this job which is nightshift and have insomnia, I got 1-2 days without sleep regularly, I have no one to talk to, I can't leave work because almost all my salary goes to helping my mother with her career and brother's studies. I haven't spent even 10 percent of my total salary on myself till date. I also have given her a lot of money in these past few month's to help her. I used to go to help and listen to her trouble even recently after 1 year of breakup even after I haven't slept for a day or two but I went. I pushed myself for everyone.
She says she wants to come back into relationship, I have told her so many times that I don't have feelings and mg life is a mess (she's also going through a lot so it's not not only me).
I came to my cousin sister's house a few days ago (my only relative who I talk to that also rarely), I was super drunk and her husband's sister came on me and we made out. I felt horrible and guilty. I told my ex because I promised and she is angry and said a lot of maan things like she thought I was good but I'm not, I'm so cold like Robot, how can I do this. (She had also made out with a guy when we had broken up but it's different she said because she thought there's no hope and we were not in contact.). I finally blocked her after an year of all this. I'm feeling horrible, I have no motivation to live, I hate my life and myself. I'm only living for my mother and brother who don't seem to be grateful or even care because they spend my hard earned money a bit carelessly (It's the first time I've earned, I know I'm a bad guy for saying they are not spending carefully but my working condition is horrible, I work without sleeping for 2 days or even more sometimes, I had to keep laughing because I teach and fake emotions).
I am hanging by a thread, I might've screwed mg ex's life and couldn't do much for my brother and mother. I might've list my only love and now my ex willl also say more bad thing's about me to others (I'm human, it feels bad to think that after pushing myself even though it's not that much, I'll be talked so badly).
What should I do about her, should I unblock and apologize (I've done it before, not the blocking part, that's first).
I'm hanging by a thread, I just want to die, had been struggling with these thoughts for so long.
Am I a horrible person in this relationship (I already am aware about a lot of bad aspects of mine, I have ego and mentally I couldn't change and couldn't find her attractive)..
Tl;dr: Blocked my ex an year after breakup. Physically pushed myself to limits for her because it was my first relationship. She said I didn't try enough and am not a good person. I am in a really bad place in life, hanging by a thread, there's nothing left to live. Did I do the wrong thing by breaking up?

Really really sorry for the big post and bad grammer. I'm an intelligent fellow but I really need help. I have nothing much to live for and haning by a thread.
First a little information about myself. I'm 23 years old, I currently live with my mother and younger brother (he's 12) and I'm their only financial support for now (I used to help them before by lying to my father and pretending to take money for myself but now they're fully dependent on me for everything like schooling, travel, food etc, ever since I got my job last year). I have been suffering from insomnia for the past 2 years mainly because things went from worse to way worse in my home and I was depressed and blamed myself for everything even though it's mainly my father and partially my mother's fault.
Now coming to the relationship, I got into my first ever relationship in 2021, it was a long distance. I was very naive, I matched this girl a few months ago on tinder and I asked her to meet me just a few days before I leave for college. We met and she said it was her best first date ever. I also told her that I don't want to marry anyone ( strange but I thought this was a big deal so I should be upfront), she told me later that she didn't hear it. Now, the next day, she asked me if we were dating, I happily said yes and she said hello boyfriend (I didn't know dating exactly meant being committed, I know pretty stupid.) I said okay let's go with the flow, we went on a few dates it was really good, but the problem was she wasn't physically attractive to me but I felt so horrible and guilty even for thinking that. Her personality was great, but this was my very first relationship, I pushed myself very hard for her (she also did), I learned how to drive for her, I was so scared because she lived pretty far and I never used to go that far but I did. I am a very cheap person when it comes to spending myself and never used to ask for money from home because we weren't that well financially and I also was told by my father that I should be grateful he gave me home and food like it's a favour he's doing. We'll a few days later I went to my college (it's pretty far away), I cried while going.
The next time I came back, things weren't as good, the not being attracted thing was getting me but I felt so horrible for it and hated myself. I starved myself in college and used to run for an hour daily without eating to lose fat for her (she didn't tell me to). I was miserable, I couldn't sleep, things were rough at home. I already had issue with self hatred because I couldn't do anything to make my mother proud and support her. I came back home, was very weak and lost a lot of weight. I again pushed myself for her, I went to meet her immediately after 40 hours of travel, barely any sleep and food. I was miserable.
One thing, she also pushed herself a lot, she had ocd and was studying to become a dentist, she used to come to meet me after whole day of college and ocd.
Now there was another issue that she made me spent (she used to give her half bill, but the cafes we went were expensive and also my car fuel and cab rent), as I said our financial situation was not that great and I hated asking for money because I felt I didn't deserve it.
This was the first time I asked to break up, I realised I came into the relationship too fast. But she said that she doesn't beleive in just giving up and we should fight it if we truly love each other. I was convinced and felt bad because I felt like I didn't fight for love.
This happened a few times ( I'm a little immature, I tried to breakup during a few of our fights when I couldn't bear it, I'm not saying I was not at fault in the fight, I have a habit of streching arguments a bit).
We always suffered because of my father's ego (still are), during our fights she told me I have a huge ego, and saying abuses is commen in her family so she abused me a few times during fight. I was fine with it but still it hurts, she told me that abusing is fine because she doesn't mean it but what I say is worse. I said that she was selfish and once I said don't act like victims and she was furious, I had to apologise.
We were fighting so much over phone, and on petty things. Once she was telling me abot a case in which a man's wife cheated him with his younger brother and I was shocked and said how can a younger brother do this he is related by blood and she was upset that I don't consider wife as equal and what if she marries me. I said that I've seen partners cheating but not with younger brother but she said I am gaslighting (I've never heard of this term before) her and it's not possible that I've not seen younger brother cheating with wife even in porn. I apologize after arguing a lot.
Once we were discussing about marriage and I said we can live a few days before marrying to get used to or see our habits and she got upset. See, a lot of the times she asks very hard question and I haven't given it a thought and she demands an answer so I say something that might upset her and we fight.
I was fed up of fighting and being called gaslighter, manipulators, having the biggest ego and that 95% fights are my fault. She was awesome, she used to give me so many gifts (I'm never used to it) and talk to me. But fighting took a very heavy toll for me and I because I felt horrible for the attraction things and also for fights I pushed myself to the limits for her everytime.
I am an extremely shy person when it comes to crowds and very insecure. But I danced for he infront of big crowds in public places for her videos even though I was so so uncomfortable I could've killed myself. I travelled to a city for her and stayed in a shitty dormatery in which my food was stolen, there also was no air conditioning and it was extremely hot. She also did a lot for me, once she came to the city in which I lived in for her vacation with her mother. I went to surprise her with flowers. I think that's too much information. Also, she told me in the beginning of relationship, no sex for 2 years, I agreed.
Now I was fed up with fighting and broke up once but it was terrible so went back. Finally, I broke up with her in April last year (1 year ago) and stopped contact. But she contacted me one day after a month to see how I was doing and it spiraled into talking and meeting. I again stopped contact and she contacted me to check up on her and that spiraled again into meeting and talking. I helped her every way I can because of the extreme guilt that I broke up and she said that I shouldn't have and she won't be able to find someone as compatible and it made me feel horrible everytime she said it. We again had a lot of fights in this 1 year period and I kept stopping contact. Once I was coming back from a date and she told me that she has exams and shes in a pretty bad state and asked me to stop using the dating app for a month or too and not meet anyone and meet her. I agreed and just before her exams were ended we had a fight and I stopped contact.
She was still not over me and made me feel guilty saying how can I be so cold, and if I truly loved her I would've tried more and she's suffering so much because of me and I have give her so much trauma. I feel so horrible everytime she says this and give hints to come back into relationship.
She made me swear to tell her if I makeout with someone or come into relationship. A lot of the times she makes me swear many things for reaffirmation. I was always extremely loyal, did everything for her(she also did a lot). But she said that I didn't so much mentally only physically I did.
Now I have very bad insomnia, I lost almost all of my friends (they're fine but turned out selfish and I was the one doing everything for them), my family situation is very bad, I'm stuck in this job which is nightshift and have insomnia, I got 1-2 days without sleep regularly, I have no one to talk to, I can't leave work because almost all my salary goes to helping my mother with her career and brother's studies. I haven't spent even 10 percent of my total salary on myself till date. I also have given her a lot of money in these past few month's to help her. I used to go to help and listen to her trouble even recently after 1 year of breakup even after I haven't slept for a day or two but I went. I pushed myself for everyone.
She says she wants to come back into relationship, I have told her so many times that I don't have feelings and mg life is a mess (she's also going through a lot so it's not not only me).
I came to my cousin sister's house a few days ago (my only relative who I talk to that also rarely), I was super drunk and her husband's sister came on me and we made out. I felt horrible and guilty. I told my ex because I promised and she is angry and said a lot of maan things like she thought I was good but I'm not, I'm so cold like Robot, how can I do this. (She had also made out with a guy when we had broken up but it's different she said because she thought there's no hope and we were not in contact.). I finally blocked her after an year of all this. I'm feeling horrible, I have no motivation to live, I hate my life and myself. I'm only living for my mother and brother who don't seem to be grateful or even care because they spend my hard earned money a bit carelessly (It's the first time I've earned, I know I'm a bad guy for saying they are not spending carefully but my working condition is horrible, I work without sleeping for 2 days or even more sometimes, I had to keep laughing because I teach and fake emotions).
I am hanging by a thread, I might've screwed mg ex's life and couldn't do much for my brother and mother. I might've list my only love and now my ex willl also say more bad thing's about me to others (I'm human, it feels bad to think that after pushing myself even though it's not that much, I'll be talked so badly).
What should I do about her, should I unblock and apologize (I've done it before, not the blocking part, that's first).
I'm hanging by a thread, I just want to die, had been struggling with these thoughts for so long.
Am I a horrible person in this relationship (I already am aware about a lot of bad aspects of mine, I have ego and mentally I couldn't change and couldn't find her attractive)..
Tl;dr: Blocked my ex an year after breakup. Physically pushed myself to limits for her because it was my first relationship. She said I didn't try enough and am not a good person. I am in a really bad place in life, hanging by a thread, there's nothing left to live. Did I do the wrong thing by breaking up?

Really really sorry for the big post and bad grammer. I'm an intelligent fellow but I really need help. I have nothing much to live for and haning by a thread.
First a little information about myself. I'm 23 years old, I currently live with my mother and younger brother (he's 12) and I'm their only financial support for now (I used to help them before by lying to my father and pretending to take money for myself but now they're fully dependent on me for everything like schooling, travel, food etc, ever since I got my job last year). I have been suffering from insomnia for the past 2 years mainly because things went from worse to way worse in my home and I was depressed and blamed myself for everything even though it's mainly my father and partially my mother's fault.
Now coming to the relationship, I got into my first ever relationship in 2021, it was a long distance. I was very naive, I matched this girl a few months ago on tinder and I asked her to meet me just a few days before I leave for college. We met and she said it was her best first date ever. I also told her that I don't want to marry anyone ( strange but I thought this was a big deal so I should be upfront), she told me later that she didn't hear it. Now, the next day, she asked me if we were dating, I happily said yes and she said hello boyfriend (I didn't know dating exactly meant being committed, I know pretty stupid.) I said okay let's go with the flow, we went on a few dates it was really good, but the problem was she wasn't physically attractive to me but I felt so horrible and guilty even for thinking that. Her personality was great, but this was my very first relationship, I pushed myself very hard for her (she also did), I learned how to drive for her, I was so scared because she lived pretty far and I never used to go that far but I did. I am a very cheap person when it comes to spending myself and never used to ask for money from home because we weren't that well financially and I also was told by my father that I should be grateful he gave me home and food like it's a favour he's doing. We'll a few days later I went to my college (it's pretty far away), I cried while going.
The next time I came back, things weren't as good, the not being attracted thing was getting me but I felt so horrible for it and hated myself. I starved myself in college and used to run for an hour daily without eating to lose fat for her (she didn't tell me to). I was miserable, I couldn't sleep, things were rough at home. I already had issue with self hatred because I couldn't do anything to make my mother proud and support her. I came back home, was very weak and lost a lot of weight. I again pushed myself for her, I went to meet her immediately after 40 hours of travel, barely any sleep and food. I was miserable.
One thing, she also pushed herself a lot, she had ocd and was studying to become a dentist, she used to come to meet me after whole day of college and ocd.
Now there was another issue that she made me spent (she used to give her half bill, but the cafes we went were expensive and also my car fuel and cab rent), as I said our financial situation was not that great and I hated asking for money because I felt I didn't deserve it.
This was the first time I asked to break up, I realised I came into the relationship too fast. But she said that she doesn't beleive in just giving up and we should fight it if we truly love each other. I was convinced and felt bad because I felt like I didn't fight for love.
This happened a few times ( I'm a little immature, I tried to breakup during a few of our fights when I couldn't bear it, I'm not saying I was not at fault in the fight, I have a habit of streching arguments a bit).
We always suffered because of my father's ego (still are), during our fights she told me I have a huge ego, and saying abuses is commen in her family so she abused me a few times during fight. I was fine with it but still it hurts, she told me that abusing is fine because she doesn't mean it but what I say is worse. I said that she was selfish and once I said don't act like victims and she was furious, I had to apologise.
We were fighting so much over phone, and on petty things. Once she was telling me abot a case in which a man's wife cheated him with his younger brother and I was shocked and said how can a younger brother do this he is related by blood and she was upset that I don't consider wife as equal and what if she marries me. I said that I've seen partners cheating but not with younger brother but she said I am gaslighting (I've never heard of this term before) her and it's not possible that I've not seen younger brother cheating with wife even in porn. I apologize after arguing a lot.
Once we were discussing about marriage and I said we can live a few days before marrying to get used to or see our habits and she got upset. See, a lot of the times she asks very hard question and I haven't given it a thought and she demands an answer so I say something that might upset her and we fight.
I was fed up of fighting and being called gaslighter, manipulators, having the biggest ego and that 95% fights are my fault. She was awesome, she used to give me so many gifts (I'm never used to it) and talk to me. But fighting took a very heavy toll for me and I because I felt horrible for the attraction things and also for fights I pushed myself to the limits for her everytime.
I am an extremely shy person when it comes to crowds and very insecure. But I danced for he infront of big crowds in public places for her videos even though I was so so uncomfortable I could've killed myself. I travelled to a city for her and stayed in a shitty dormatery in which my food was stolen, there also was no air conditioning and it was extremely hot. She also did a lot for me, once she came to the city in which I lived in for her vacation with her mother. I went to surprise her with flowers. I think that's too much information. Also, she told me in the beginning of relationship, no sex for 2 years, I agreed.
Now I was fed up with fighting and broke up once but it was terrible so went back. Finally, I broke up with her in April last year (1 year ago) and stopped contact. But she contacted me one day after a month to see how I was doing and it spiraled into talking and meeting. I again stopped contact and she contacted me to check up on her and that spiraled again into meeting and talking. I helped her every way I can because of the extreme guilt that I broke up and she said that I shouldn't have and she won't be able to find someone as compatible and it made me feel horrible everytime she said it. We again had a lot of fights in this 1 year period and I kept stopping contact. Once I was coming back from a date and she told me that she has exams and shes in a pretty bad state and asked me to stop using the dating app for a month or too and not meet anyone and meet her. I agreed and just before her exams were ended we had a fight and I stopped contact.
She was still not over me and made me feel guilty saying how can I be so cold, and if I truly loved her I would've tried more and she's suffering so much because of me and I have give her so much trauma. I feel so horrible everytime she says this and give hints to come back into relationship.
She made me swear to tell her if I makeout with someone or come into relationship. A lot of the times she makes me swear many things for reaffirmation. I was always extremely loyal, did everything for her(she also did a lot). But she said that I didn't so much mentally only physically I did.
Now I have very bad insomnia, I lost almost all of my friends (they're fine but turned out selfish and I was the one doing everything for them), my family situation is very bad, I'm stuck in this job which is nightshift and have insomnia, I got 1-2 days without sleep regularly, I have no one to talk to, I can't leave work because almost all my salary goes to helping my mother with her career and brother's studies. I haven't spent even 10 percent of my total salary on myself till date. I also have given her a lot of money in these past few month's to help her. I used to go to help and listen to her trouble even recently after 1 year of breakup even after I haven't slept for a day or two but I went. I pushed myself for everyone.
She says she wants to come back into relationship, I have told her so many times that I don't have feelings and mg life is a mess (she's also going through a lot so it's not not only me).
I came to my cousin sister's house a few days ago (my only relative who I talk to that also rarely), I was super drunk and her husband's sister came on me and we made out. I felt horrible and guilty. I told my ex because I promised and she is angry and said a lot of maan things like she thought I was good but I'm not, I'm so cold like Robot, how can I do this. (She had also made out with a guy when we had broken up but it's different she said because she thought there's no hope and we were not in contact.). I finally blocked her after an year of all this. I'm feeling horrible, I have no motivation to live, I hate my life and myself. I'm only living for my mother and brother who don't seem to be grateful or even care because they spend my hard earned money a bit carelessly (It's the first time I've earned, I know I'm a bad guy for saying they are not spending carefully but my working condition is horrible, I work without sleeping for 2 days or even more sometimes, I had to keep laughing because I teach and fake emotions).
I am hanging by a thread, I might've screwed mg ex's life and couldn't do much for my brother and mother. I might've list my only love and now my ex willl also say more bad thing's about me to others (I'm human, it feels bad to think that after pushing myself even though it's not that much, I'll be talked so badly).
What should I do about her, should I unblock and apologize (I've done it before, not the blocking part, that's first).
I'm hanging by a thread, I just want to die, had been struggling with these thoughts for so long.
Am I a horrible person in this relationship (I already am aware about a lot of bad aspects of mine, I have ego and mentally I couldn't change and couldn't find her attractive)..
Tl;dr: Blocked my ex an year after breakup. Physically pushed myself to limits for her because it was my first relationship. She said I didn't try enough and am not a good person. I am in a really bad place in life, hanging by a thread, there's nothing left to live. Did I do the wrong thing by breaking up?

made this for my narrative essay in american literature, but one of my friends said i should share the story
“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.