Hi im called Rich. Im a 31 year old guy living with my demented grandmother. She is 95 years old. Ive been living and taking care of her since i was 17 agter my mom passed away. I dont have a father since he died when i was 3 months old. Living with my grandmother is hell. Abuse after abuse. She is also a narcissistic person but the dementia made her worse. She also has alzheimers and forgets stuff. Alot of stuff but does not forget faces and names yet. We are currently homeless but arein the process of goign into our new home which has 2 bedrooms. We previously lived in a 1 bedroom apartment and i had to dleep right nextto her everyday. Not something i wanted but it was needed considering our situation we were in back when looking for a home fast.
We are currently at my aunts house whos grandmas daughter and she has done things to help us while i was taking care of grandma. It was actually her responsibility to do it but because i was living with grandma and i was only 17 and didnt know much of what to do, i stayed with grandma till one day i said i had enough. I have cried for years to her and others abiut this but never really took her away from me. I didnt have a job because she kept saying i didnt have tocause she pays for everything which i always was grateful for and her teChing me how to cook etc and didnt want me to leave her so i didnt get a job for a long time due to living with her, preventing me from working on myself jobwise.
Im a shy guy so that can explain why too but also because grandma has instilled fear in me. Fear of people. And wanted to keep using me as a puppet. I would help her with evwrything i could yet she would still find ways to make me a bad guy. My life got worse to the point i wanted to even commit suicide but i did not because i needed to keep telling myself to not give into those thoughts that everything will get better.
Forward to now, like i said we are gonna be moving into our new home. Ill be getting my own bedroom finally after years of not owning one and that makes me realt happy cause i get my privacy finally. I am also going thru therapy because of the abuse i ealt with for years coming from grandma. All mental abuse. She has been diagnosed with dementia and alzheimer and im doing all the best i can to keep us afloat so we wont run out of money for food etc that we need. Thanks to my therapy i have managed to be better,control my emotions better and not react to her complaints.
We are dealing with my aunt because we are in her house for 3 weeks till our new home us ready since we had to leave the previous one, who is her daughter, not having much patience for her own mother the way i have patience for grandma. I believe its because in her childhood grandma has done things towards her daughter that made her have this sort of a rage towards her and still to this day. She does not like us being here but we had nowhere else to go and it is for only 3 weeks till the house i ready and so far we have been dealing with clashes between those 2 and im really tired.
Im posting this as more of a rant cause i know what to do and that is moving into the new place which is gonna be 10x better than before and i can actually now focus on working on jobs much better. Its jsut that i want my want to be more patient with her mother because she is demented and forgets a lot. Especially around money and cannot handle that anymore and ive been the one to be doing it for years.
Thanks to my therapy and being able to contrl my anger and my other emotions better, ive als decided to forgive my grandma for everythign shes done. I know its hard to still be with her but i have a more of an open mind abiut this now that im going thru therapy and it makes me think much clearly now and ahead.
My aunt wanted to throw her in a home against her will and i was not ok with that because i wanted to give her the professional help she needs and help her get into a daycare so she can havemore people to talk to andbe less lonely. My aunt did not like that at first but because everyone else agrees with me on this, she had no choice but now she wants to put rules and stuf yet she wasnt the one that took her mother in her home and took csre of her. It was all on me to do it because she saw the chance that she didnt have to take care of her herself and that i was wiling, she threw it all on me. So now im dealng with my aunt trying to make all these rules and things and even insulting me saying im not fit for takign care of grandma yet she is the one with all this rage towards her own mother.
I really feel like my aunt needs therapy at this point to help her with the rage but i cant force her in any way to do it and i will never do that. Its all on her now and i hope that during the time we are in her house she can be more patient with her mother and me. We pay her for food and power and water already which is no issue. The issue is the clashes between these two and its annoying me.

Air, shelter, water, and food, all essentials of life we take for granted. The gratitude of being alive,
smothered by emotional baggage. Just a bunch of pill induced zombies, riddled by life’s perplexities. Not
me, not any more at least. No, now I wake up every day reborn with a newly discovered purpose in life,
thanks to, him.
Most would be emotionally devastated and seek long term therapy, after what I had endured.
Most would need to be heavily medicated, to calm their anxiety of the fear he would return. No, not me,
the person I once was, is now dead. Suffocated, frozen, dehydrated, and starved out of me. Who I was
perished, and I am grateful. I am offering you the same, but before we get started, let me explain how I
arrived at this place of serenity.
The night was the same as always. I had just finished gorging myself on junk food while binge
watching a reality show. Empty bottles of soda surrounded me as I surfed the streaming networks.
Knowing my weight was getting out of control, I still managed to finish off the bag of greasy potato
chips. My bottles of meds sat on the end table waiting for me. Depression, anxiety, stomach, and heart
pills all courtesy of the negligence of my life choices. One by one I swallowed the antidotes of a better
me. Yet, there never seemed to be a stronger version of myself, no matter how many pills I ingested.
Falling asleep, I told myself tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow I will try harder. As I drifted
off to sleep, I felt a sting in my neck, only waking up for a few seconds. My eyes opened just enough to
see him standing over me. Fighting to stay awake, my eyes latched closed, and I fell into the darkness.
Upon awaking, I could hear sounds of mumbles surrounding me. Feeling heavy and disoriented, I
managed to flicker my eyelids. As the minutes passed, my surroundings became more lucid. The foul
stench of pig shit singed my nose hairs. Dust from old haybales stimulated my sense of smell, inducing a
sneeze. An unimaginable pain coursed through my mouth. Still dazed and confused, I heard a voice say,
"we can't have that, now, can we?". Once again, I felt a sting in my neck, causing me to drift out of
reality.
"Wake up", I heard as I came to, "we need to get started". Started with what, I tried to ask. Yet,
my mouth wouldn't open. Tranquilized still, I thought maybe my brain just wasn't cooperating with my
body. Flexing my jaw, I tried again to speak, it was useless. All I could do was mumble. My words were
nothing more than muffled grunts behind a padded wall.
Looking around, I could see I was not alone. Vision blurry, I still managed to make out a large
silhouette of a man sitting in front of me holding a cutting needle and thread. He then placed the needle
on a barrel and stood up. Whistling, "The Sun will come out tomorrow", I began to look around. There were other people with us. Including myself, all tied to chairs and mouths sewn shut. Three of us were men. The fourth was a woman in her
mid-forties. She was crying and moaning uncontrollably. Mucus ran down her face dripping from her
chin. Trying to console her, I batted my eyes. It was all I could do without having the use of my mouth
and arms.
The injection he had no doughtily given me, had worn off. Like the woman, I found myself in panic
mode. My heart raced fast. I thought I would have a heart attack. Wanting to scream, I
couldn't. Wanting to run but I was incapacitated. Fighting my way out, entered my mind, but how? How,
with my hands bound behind my back. Besides, I wasn't a fighter, and the man was massive. He would
be very intimidating under any circumstance. His raggedy hair was sandy blonde with a mixture of gray.
Deep wrinkles hid behind a handlebar mustache, which stretched across his face. Thick eyebrows sat
untamed above his devilish eyes. Watching him, I tried not to make eye contact. I looked everywhere,
other than at him. The other two men looked as frightened as me. One man, the bigger one, had tears
but made no sounds. The other man was a very frail older man. He shifted side to side as he tried yelling
from behind his fastened lips. His arms bared scars of that of a junkie. His body, covered in scabs.
Cautiously, I looked around. A rusty old plow sat in the corner next to some feed sacks. A saddle
lay across an old broken table. Two horses stood quietly behind their stall door. I could see rays of light
shine through the cracks between the boards. It was daylight, knowing that gave me comfort somehow.
The barn was dusty, and as painful as it would be, I hoped I would sneeze again. At least then I could
scream. Abruptly the man stopped whistling and spoke.
Your mouths are bound together so that I cannot hear you. People talk too much, making the
world noisy. All loud with pathetic excuses of their weaknesses. I am not going to kill you. Your life is in
your own hands. Up to this point, you have wasted your life hiding behind your addictions. Cowering
and leaning on crutches of life’s temptations. I am here to save you from yourselves.
The rule of three is simple. You can survive three minutes without air, three hours without
shelter, three days without water, and three weeks without food. If you truly desire to live, then you will
triumph. If not, you will perish. I am here to help you unpack your emotional baggage. Air, the very
breath you breathe, you have taken for granted. So, please slow your breathing and relax. We are about
to begin.
While you were sleeping, I provided you with adequate fluids and nutrition. I cannot have you
starting off, on an empty tank. I want to be as fair as possible and make this a pleasant experience.
Though, I warn you it will not be easy, and you will have to dig deep within yourselves.
The burly man began whistling once again. He placed an egg timer on a barrel, grabbed a plastic
bag and spoke. You can survive three minutes with no air. Do you have the desire and strength to want
to live? For you, I truly hope so.
Standing behind the heavier man he turned the timer and then placed the plastic bag over his
head. The man jerked in his chair, thrashing about. One minute, he said. The man still moving wildly.
Two minutes, almost there just hold on. Three minutes he announced, ripping the bag from the head of
the now motionless man. “Oh dear, I guess he did not have what it takes, next”. My heart raced even
faster as he stood next to the now inconsolable woman. I would be after her. I had to slow my breathing
if I were to live. Picking up another bag, he stood behind her.
The air went in and out her nose as she hyperventilated. “There, there, I’m not going to hurt you”,
he said, as he patted her on the shoulders. “Three minutes is a miniature amount of time. I wish you the
very best.” Her legs kicked out lunging back and forth. Her muffled shrieks filled the barn. “Are you
ready?” He then reset the timer. Fearing for my own life, I turned my head and concentrated on my
breathing. Trying hard to block her out, I went to another place in my head. As hard as it was, I imagined
I was calm and at peace lying on a sandy shore. Desperately, I wanted to cover my ears. Her loud cries
soon became small whimpers. Then to gurgles as she choked on her own vomit. Turning my head back
towards her, I could see her convulsing as life left her body. “Not quite a minute, what a shame”, he
said.
Thinking back to when I was a child, and held my breath under water, outlasting my brother.
Back then, holding my breath was easy for me and I always won. Being in my mid-thirties, I wasn’t a
child any longer. Could I beat this, I questioned. Unlike the woman next to me, who reeked of tobacco, I
didn’t smoke. My chances were greater than those who came before me.
Excepting the inevitable, I practiced my anxiety exercises my therapist had taught me. Four, four,
four, inhale hold, exhale hold. If I panic, I will surely suffocate, I told myself. The other man was calmer
now and followed my lead. Our eyes locked on to one another as we breathed. “Very good, that is what
I want to see, a thirst for life, the will to live.”
Picking up a bag, he then stood behind me. I took a deep breath as he turned the timer. I felt the
panic trying to set in, but I pushed it deep down. Oddly enough, the tune he’d been whistling popped
into my head. “The sun will come out tomorrow”, played as the bag was put over my head. “So, you got
to hang on ‘til tomorrow.” Not wanting to see the blurred images through the bag, I closed my eyes. I
just kept humming the tune in my head. “One minute”, he said. Getting more difficult to hold my breath,
I could feel my heart beating faster and my blood pressure rising. The tune still reeling in my head,
“tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow”. “Two minutes”. I can do this, I’m almost there, but my
mind was getting foggy, and my chest tightened. My muscles tensed up as I felt my existence dwindle
away. The tune that kept me going had faded away somewhere deep into my brain. Hungry for air, I
started scratching my hands behind my back. I was going to die. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I managed to
think one last time. “Three Minutes”!
Air rushed through my nose, as I clung to the remaining life I had. It was the greatest feeling just
being able to breathe. I’d made it, I had beat him, I was alive. “Congratulations, you did well”. “Breath
and continue to appreciate the gift, I have given you”.
Tears rushed down my cheeks, as I sat watching the man set the stage for the last occupant. As
sympathetic as I was, I was overwhelmed too just be alive. Still fighting my anxiety, I closed my eyes,
four, four, four. Sounds of distress and faint scuffling could be heard, yet I refused to open my eyes.
Three minutes passed quickly. “We have another fighter, outstanding.” Opening my eyes, I seen that the
other man had also survived. “Two out of three, I wished it faired better.” “It is a pity they perished, yet
the pigs will eat well.” “Nothing should ever go to waste”. “Their carcasses are a valuable resource.” I
am thankful for their contribution.”
“I will let you rest up.” The next gift, is that of shelter.” “People of the world scratch and claw to
have bigger dwellings of that of their neighbor.” Never being thankful of the shelters warmth when it is
cold.” “Not a second thought about the materials taken from the earth to provide that comfort.” “I will
teach you to not care about the size or the looks. You won’t care if it’s a barn or a house made of sticks.
You’ll learn to be content as it shelters you from the storm.
Not understanding what was coming next, I tried thinking of ways to escape. Wringing my hands
together, I tried loosening the rope. He had his back turned removing the bodies from the chairs. Yet
somehow he still managed to catch on to what I was doing. “That’s a double sheet bend knot.” Try as
you might, you will not loosen or untie it.” “Yet I commend you on your perseverance.” “If you escape,
you will not learn the valuable lesson I am trying to teach you.” “Sit and be patient, like I told you
before, I’m not going to kill you.”
He was right. The more I tried twisting my wrists, the tighter the rope became making them bleed
and burn. “Why was he doing this and why me”, I wanted to ask. The inside of my mouth was so dry,
and I was thirsty. All I could think about was water to wash out the metallic taste left from the wounds
of my lips. Making eye contact with the other man, I wondered if he was as thirsty as I. “The storm will
be here soon, and we can continue.”, he said as he removed a hacksaw hanging from the barn wall.
We watched as the man carried on as if he’d done this before. He laid the saw across a table.
Sweat dripped from my head as I panicked. What was he going to do to us? I thought. Do not worry, this
saw is not for you, he said as he placed the woman’s body on the table. He then began to dismember
her legs. He continued to hack through the bodies throughout the day. He would casually take breaks
between the removal of the body parts. After he was done, he used a rusty old wheel barrel to take the
parts out of the barn. He kept his word. I could hear the pigs happily squealing as he fed them.
The light that had previously comforted me dwindled away as darkness approached. As frightened
as I felt, all I could think about was water. “It is time”, he said as he wiped sweat from his brow. “I will
untie your arms so you can move freely. I encourage you to move as much as possible to keep the blood
circulating. Frostbite and hypothermia are inevitable if you let yourself settle. You can wear the clothes
you have on, but nothing more.
The barn was heated with an old wood stove. Our captor had fed it wood throughout the day. Yet
the wind from the storm outside seeped through the cracks. A chill came over me, fearing what was
next. The four technique no longer working. He then placed a makeshift collar around our necks.
Connected to the collar was a chain. After untying the ropes from behind our backs he told us to stand.
Fearing what he would do, I did what he told me.
He then unlatched the wooden brace holding the barn doors shut, unveiling winter’s wrath.
Weather in Michigan was unpredictable and harsh at times. That night was no different. The wind
bustled through the doors as we all stood staring into the night. Snow was falling rapidly and had quickly
begun accumulating. “Tonight’s storm is only a mild one but will last a few hours.” “Having your mouths
bound is a positive.” “It will protect your lungs.” Your heart rate will lower the less you move so keep
moving to boost your circulation.” “You will have to endure three hours in the weather.” “This trial is
brutal, I know but if your life is precious then you will improvise, adapt, and overcome.
He then led us by the chains out of the barn and into a wooden pen. It didn’t have a roof but was
too tall to climb over. “I know you must be thirsty, but if you try and eat the snow you will only amplify
dehydration and hypothermia.” He then removed the collars and locked the door. As he walked away in
his rabbit fur coat, he turned and once again said, “Do you have the desire to live, for you I truly hope
so.”
Frantically I surveyed the pen looking for a way out. The enclosure was made of old pallets, thin
boards, and cattle fence. It was sturdy enough to keep us in but not the wind out. It must have been
about twelve feet wide by twenty-four feet long. Rubbing my hands along the gaps, I felt something
warm run down my fingers. I had sliced my hand along the inside of one of the pallets. He had secured
razor blades and sharp nails from the inside to keep us from climbing out. Even if we were able to make
it to the top, we wouldn’t be able to climb over the razor wire that spiraled along the perimeter.
More frantic than I, the other man ran back and forth. He was shaking and sweating profusely. How
could he be sweating in this weather, I thought. On the other hand, I had begun to shiver. My feet had
already begun to tingle. Wearing only gym shorts, socks, and a t-shirt, I knew I must keep moving. The
other man was more fortunate than I. He was wearing pajama bottoms, socks and a hoodie. At least he
had a layer to break the wind.
The snow was dry and easy to move. Thinking maybe we could get out from the bottom. I began
moving the snow with my hands. As I moved it, I motioned for the other man to help. My attempts to
get his attention went unnoticed. He had found a nail long enough to cut through the stiches in his
mouth. Watching him, I debated on doing it myself. Though I thought of the burly man and his hacksaw.
Deciding it was best to keep my lips bound, I watched him saw through his. He yelled in agony as blood
dripped from his lips. Be quiet, I wanted to tell him, he’ll hear you.
When the last stitch broke the man dropped to his knees gasping and crying. He then stood up,
removed himself from his pants, and began urinating in the snow. “I’m Evan”, he said shivering and still
covering the white snow yellow. His urine smelled foul as the wind carried the smell. Not being able to
talk, I used a stick to spell out my name. Letter by letter, I spelled it out, Liam. He didn’t acknowledge
what I had written. He didn’t seem to care about what my name was.
Bending over he began to eat the yellow snow. Then pulling up his sleeves, he did something that
made my stomach churn. He picked off the scabs from his arms and started sucking on them. I now
understood he was detoxing and was trying to get a fix from the meth that had exited his body. I had a
cousin in jail once, who had described this same behavior from the inside. After doing this for a few
minutes he then spoke. Stuttering out his words, “I know it’s disgusting, but it is what it is.” “Now how
we gonna get out of this here, Liam. No matter what he was or what he spoke, it was comforting to hear
him speak to me.
Not knowing how to get out I just started moving. Shaking my head and still shivering, I began to
do jumping jacks. There wasn’t a way out and I was so cold. Knowing that I had to keep moving I
continued. I knew that if I didn’t move, my heart would slow and eventually stop. “You gonna listen to
that Behemoth or ya gonna try and help me find a way out?” Stopping, I once again tried looking from
the bottom. He looked for a way to climb over. Neither of us found a way to escape. Both of us,
shivering we stopped looking.
As we huddled together in the corner, a voice came from a speaker. “One hour has passed, two
hours remain.” Your lust for drugs trumps your lust to live.” “It will be your demise.” He’d seen, he’s
watching us, I thought. Not wanting to die, I began running in circles. The pain was excruciating. Every
step I took was like stepping on needles. My nose felt like it would break off.
“It’s no use, we’re gonna die, Evan said as he plopped on the ground. Using my arms, I motioned
for him to get up, but he refused. He sat in the corner with his teeth chattering and shoulders shaking.
While Evan sat, I continued. Running from one end to the other, tears freezing as they plummeted from
my eyes. As I ran, I tripped over something that caught my attention. It was a stack of a few boards
hidden under the snow. Uncovering them I counted them out in my head. There were several I dug out. I
crafted a fort in my head. We could use the wood for a shelter. Once again, I motioned for Evan to help.
Evan didn’t speak or move. “Two hours”, I heard as a voice projected from a hidden box.
Quickly I stumbled to Evan, shaking him. Tears ran down my cheeks as I faced the truth. I was
alone. Evan’s inability to try had snuffed out his life. He was dead. Time seemed to stand still in that
moment. Looking at his lifeless body, I realized he wasn’t a frail old man. He in fact was my age. The
drugs just made him look old. My sadness for him abandoned me to be replaced with anger. He should
have tried harder. I was now alone. He had left me alone.
Feeling numb and secluded, I wanted to give up. There wasn’t much fight left in me, yet
something in me snapped. I didn’t want to die. Ripping my wet clothes off, I threw them to the ground.
Trying to keep my temperature above freezing, I jumped and staggered in the snow. Laying Evan’s body
flat on the ground, I thought I would use it as a warm layer between me and the ground. One board at a
time, leaned them over Evan’s body and up against the pen, making an ominous clubhouse. Shivering
and naked, I crawled inside and laid on Evan’s lifeless body.
No longer having the strength to move, I lay crying. In the last hour I replayed my life. If only I had
another chance to do it all over again. If only I thought as my eyes closed. The door then opened, “Three
hours”. “Stand up.”, he said as he wrapped a fur coat around my frigid body. ”Come on, you have passed
but you are not out of the woods yet.” Replacing the collar around my neck he then led me back into the
barn.
“I have prepared a warm bath for you.” He then helped me lift my legs over a galvanized water
trough. “There, there”, he said, “Just sit and let the bath warm your blood. The pain of prickly needles
washed over my body as the numbness dwindled. Fading in and out, I watched him carefully remove a
stockpot from the stove. He poured the water from the pot over my head. “Just relax, you should be
proud of yourself.” “You have outlasted all who came before you.” “You’re a fighter and you value your
life. I watched as he warmed pot after pot, continuously pouring them over me.
“I will have to give you warm fluids intravenously.” “Try to stand”, he said as he lifted me up and
out of the trough. He then dried my body with a towel. After he dressed me in dry clothing, he led me to
a makeshift bedroom converted from a stall.
As he assisted me into the bed, I noticed a tray with medical instruments on it. What were they
for I wondered, but to tired to care anymore. He then placed the I.V. needle in my arm and covered me
up. “Rest up and sleep while I deal with the frostbite.” Before I was able to think about what he had just
said, I went out.
Waking up, I was no longer cold. The shivering and pain from the night before gone yet replaced
with new discomfort. My hands, feet, face, and head all pulsing. Slowly, I removed the blanket with my
bandaged hands to see my feet. Both were wrapped in bandages. Looking over my entire body, I
reached for my face. It was also bandaged. I could feel that my ears and nose were missing. “I know this
must be shocking to you, but it had to be.” “You had deep frostbite in your fingers, toes, ears and nose.
They had to be amputated. “I have sealed off the wounds and have given you antibiotics to fight off
infection.” “Be grateful your alive.”
“You are very ambitious, and I want to reward you for your success. “If you can continue to
cooperate, I will remove the stitches from your lips. “Don’t speak unless I ask you to.” “Can you give me
word that you can stay quiet?” I nodded in agreement.
As promised, he removed the sutures from my lips. Handing me a tin cup of water, he told me to
drink. Words can’t express how refreshing the first sip was. Not being able to control myself, I gulped
down the entire cup. Handing the cup back to him I managed to mumble, “more?” Violently, he struck
me in the face and stood up. “More, more more”, he yelled as he paced the floor. “Always wanting
more!” “You should have savored every last drop rather than gulping it down like a pig at a trough.”
“You have reached your third trial.” “Water is the source of all life and you will learn to appreciate it. Do
you have the desire to live?” “For you, I truly hope so.”
Locking the door behind him, he left the room. Feeling relief from his absence, I took a deep
breath. Concentrating on the air that went in and out my lungs, I was thankful to be alive. It had been a
couple of days since I was able to breathe through my mouth. I felt happiness and gratitude to just be
able to breathe. The blanket and bed kept me warm from the cold that seeped through the barn walls.
Feling relieved, I felt safe for that minute. I pulled the blanket up under my chin and just lived in the
moment. Looking for ways to escape no longer crossed my mind. Still fearful of the man, yet I felt a
strange feeling of gratitude toward him.
Mixed emotions danced around inside of me as I lay. Thinking of the others that were with me, I
pitied them. Had they truly wanted to survive, they would be alive. Had they fought harder, they would
have won against his trials. My sympathy for them abandoned my thoughts, replaced with
disappointment. Questioning my mental state, I laid wondering if I’d gone mad. How could I sympathize
with a man who had essentially tortured me. How could I be thankful to a killer, I wondered. As
comfortable as I was, I was thirsty. Three days was a long time to go without water. Knowing this, I
closed my eyes to try to sleep through it.
A familiar tune whistled through the cracks of the wall. My eyes blurry from crust, I wiped it away
with my bandaged hand. Curious, I tried peeking through a hole in a board. Seeing the two horses in the
next stall brought back anxiety from the first trial. Sounds of mumbling could be heard. Listening
intensely, I realized he had more victims. Wanting to scream out to them to calm their breathing, I said
nothing. Fearful he would kill me if I spoke. Though I didn’t have to. He was telling them to be calm and
they would live. If only they would listen, they could live. One after another perished throughout the
ordeal. Once again mixed emotions of sympathy and anger fought within me. I slammed my hand
against the stall boards. Why am I angry at them, I questioned myself. Hearing the distinct sound of the
hacksaw cutting through the bodies, I became sick. I crawled back in the bed and covered my head.
“Wake up, you have rested enough.” Leading me into the room where the bodies were, he
motioned for me to pick the parts up. “I will cut the meat and you will load it up.” “Do you
understand?”, he asked. I nodded yes and began putting the severed limbs in the wheelbarrow.
“Take it out back to the pigs.” “I trust you won’t try to run.” You will not get very far in your
condition and the weather” He was right, still bandaged and weak I knew I would freeze. Reluctantly I
put a arm, leg, and head in the wheelbarrow.
Once again, the cold made me shiver as I treaded through the snow. The night was calm. The
moon shined down on the solar panels that lined the buildings. I was on some sort of homestead.
Nearing the structure that housed the pigs, I cringed at the thought of feeding them. The squealing led
me to the hog house. Opening the door and entering, I gasped in horror. Piles of bones lay everywhere
within the house. The pigs squealed in delight as I tossed the body parts to them. The smell was pungent
and took my breath away. Not being able to hold back, I vomited the only liquids I had in me. After
unloading my delivery, I left to retrieve another load. Feet still bandaged, and I was cold, the thought of
running left my mind. Yearning for the warm bed, I trudged my way back to the barn. This went on
throughout the night.
“Almost done, this is the last of it.”, he said as he cut through a torso of a woman. “You have done
well, and I am proud of you.” “I know your cold and must be thirsty.” Yet, you still have forty-eight hours
left until you can replenish your thirst. “Keep motivated and you will triumph over your it” After the last
load was completed, he led me to the bed and rebandaged my wounds. Curiously looking down at my
severed toes, I seen I was missing five of them. The same as he bandaged my hands. I was four less
fingers. Two were gone from each hand.
My stomach grumbled as I tossed and turned. All I could think about was water and food. I
eventually passed out from the nights work. Waking up, I felt disoriented and weak. The hunger for food
and water still consuming my thoughts. “Twenty-Four hours left”, his voice said from outside the stall.
“Get up, I have more work for you.” “You have to earn your keep.”
The man then entered the room and placed the collar around my neck. “Here is a coat to keep
you warm, he said as he placed it on my back. Then he handed me some rubber boots. “These should
help keep your feet dry while you dig.” Wanting to ask, dig what, I didn’t dare from the fear of being
struck again. The task will be difficult but not impossible. Handing me a shovel, he led me to the spot he
wanted dug.
“The weather has let up and the temperature has risen. I can not trust that you might try to run.
He then locked the chain to a stake in the ground. “The hog house needs cleaned of the bones.” “Dig me
a hole big enough to bury the remains of the less fortunate.” “I will return in twenty-four hours.” You
have fared well so far, keep up the good work and you will be rewarded.” He then turned and walked
away.
The sun was just beginning to rise, and it felt warn against me face. The black sky turned to a
canvas of pastels. The view was stunning under any condition. After admiring the horizon, I started my
grueling work. Trying to dig with missing toes was difficult and excruciating. Placing the shovel into the
frozen ground, I bared down with all my weight. Breaking the ground seemed unfeasible, but I managed.
Letting out agonizing cries, I repeated the movements until I finally moved dirt.
Scanning around, my head was on a swivel looking for cameras. The thought of trying to escape
weighing heavily. Using my bandaged hands, I felt for any gaps in my collar. It was tight around my neck.
I Then looked for any weak links in the chain but found none. The steak the chain was hooked to must
have been buried ten feet, I thought as I gave it a tug. Giving up on any escape attempts, I continued to
dig.
The hunger and dehydration had started to take effect. My head pounded like a hammer on a
nail. I became nauseous. Fearing I might throw up, I sit and rested on the ground. Looking down at the
homestead, I wondered who the man was. Nearly falling asleep, I pushed myself up off the ground.
Visions of water surrounding me engulfed my every thought. God, I was thirsty.
After I finished digging the hole I fell to my knees in exhaustion. Worrying that if I fell asleep, I
would die of dehydration. Standing up, I desperately tried staying awake. The chain weighed down my
neck making it hard to stand. Using the shovel as a brace, I wedged it into the ground and balanced the
chain over top of the shovel. It lifted the weight off me, allowing me to stand easier. Standing and
swaying, I watched as day turned to night and night back to day. “Congratulations”, the man said as he
walked up the hill toward me.
“II knew you would conquer the test.” “You will soon be rewarded for your victory.” Leading me
back to the barn, I stumbled and fell. The man picked me up and helped me to my feet. As He laid me in
the bed, oddly enough I wanted to thank him. “Before I tend to your bandages, I am going to start an I.V.
to restore your electrolytes. He then handed me a cup of water. “Drink”, he said. Wanting badly to gulp
it down, I refrained and sipped slowly. The water was refreshing as it moistened my mouth. Water
wasn’t something I normally craved but, in that moment, it was all a I wanted. Living mostly on energy
drinks and sodas, I rarely drank it.
As I sipped, I thought about my body and how I had neglected it. Peculiar enough, the man was
giving me all I ever needed. He had somehow managed to push my stronger version to the surface.
“Good news”, he said as he wrapped the final bandage around my foot. “You have made it to the last
trial.” “But before we discuss that, I want to reward you on your accomplishments.” “I’m sure you have
questions, and I will allow you to ask them.” A little conversation will do us both some good.” I must say
I am as curious about you as you are of me.” He said as he poured me another cup of water. “But not
until you have rested.” “I look forward to it, I will see you this afternoon.” Locking the door behind him,
exhausted, I fell asleep.
Hunger pains interrupted my slumber. Turning about in the bed, images of food ravaged my
thoughts. Trying hard, I managed to push the vivid images of cheeseburgers out of my mind. Replacing
them with the image of the man conversing with me. What would I ask him, I pondered. Would I set him
off again and be fed to the pigs. One would think that I wouldn’t want to talk to him after he had cut off
my nose, yet strangely enough I did. I was curious about him.
My tossing about abruptly interrupted as I heard the man enter the room. “Well now, how do you
feel this afternoon?” He asked, as he pulled a old wooden chair next the bed and sat down. To scared to
speak I laid quietly. “It Is o.k., he said cheerfully as he patted my leg. “You may speak”. “Better but
hungry”, I managed to mumble. “Yes, I know you are hungry, but you have entered your final trial.” You
must endure three weeks with no food.” You have been here a week.” “Two weeks remain.”
“People of the world are gluttons. Indulging in prepackaged garbage to feed the body. Never
having to hunt or forge for it. If you make it the three weeks, you will have learned to appreciate what
you put in your mouth. You will think about what it is for, rather than just stuffing your face. Do you still
have the desire to live, for you I truly hope so.
“What is your name?”
“Liam, my names, Liam”
“Well, Liam, my names Doc” “It is finally nice to meet your true self.” I’ve been waiting along time for
this.” “You are now worthy to speak to.” “You have shed your old, infected skin and are growing new
skin.” “I have helped you thus far to create a better, you.” “You may speak freely”.
“Why are you doing this”?
“To save you.” “To rid you of the worlds temptations” “I am extracting all you have digested and
replacing it with the will to survive.”
“Who are you”, I fearfully asked.
“I am a doctor who the world cast out due to what they call negligence.” “I only pushed my patients to
better themselves and refused to subscribe fake antidotes”. “I didn’t hand them a crutch when they
could walk on their own.”” I left the city and moved off grid”. “Here I am free to practice as I see fit”.
“My patients now, are those that want to better themselves but just need a little push.” “Yet, none have
come as far as you, Liam.” “What is it, you desire, Liam?”
“A life of fulfillment”, I said.
“Are you not now, achieving that goal, Liam?”
Before I could answer, he told me, “Enough talk for the day”, we have work to do. “Don’t speak
unless I ask you to”. Unhooking my I.V., he then furnished me with warm clothes and boots again. “Grab
the wheelbarrow”, he said as we excited the barn. He then led me to the hog house. “I want you to pick
up the bones and put them in the hole you dug. Feeling weak, I pushed through the chore. The sight of
the mutilated parts wasn’t as repulsive to me as before. Yet, I did wonder who they were and where
they had come from. The day sped by quickly.
That night, I laid in the bed thinking of the man. Could he be right with what he was doing. I did
feel a new feeling of accomplishment. Had I truly shed my old self. Had he had given me what every
doctor before him had failed at. Questioning my own thoughts, I drifted off to sleep.
As the days went by, I would often help him rid the world of the weak. Every few days he would
bring in new patients. One after one they failed his trials. Some made it past the first, only to die in the
pen or the cooler, depending on the weather. We had many evening conversations where I learned
more about Doc, as he did me. Some nights I would listen to him mourn their deaths. He would often sit
by the stove talking to himself and crying. He would question their inability to understand what he was
doing. Finding myself somewhat sympathetic to him, I spoke out. “It’ll be o.k. you’re a good doctor, they
just don’t have a desire to live. “Thank you”, he said, “but do not speak unless I tell you”. With that I
climbed into bed and covered my head.
Ribs now visible, I was nearing death. No longer having the energy to help him any longer, I spent
the remaining few days in bed. As the final day approached, he came to me and said, If you don’t die
through the night, I will intravenously feed you the nutrients your body requires. Then you can truly live
your life. Tears filled his eyes as he pulled the blanket over me. You have been an outstanding and
cooperative patient and I thank you. Share to the world the gift I have given you.
Waking up, I was confused and again fighting off a sedated state. Rubbing my eyes in dismay, I
stumbled out of bed and tripped over my tennis shoes. Looking down at my disfigured feet, I was
perplexed at the sight of the floor. Continuously wiping at my vision, I scanned the room. Soda bottles
littered the nightstand. An empty potato chip bag lay empty on the bed.
Falling onto the floor, I curled up into a fetal position and cried. Visions of the dead filled my
thoughts. My mind was baffled with an emotional and ethical struggle. Four, four, four, I tried to
manage as anxiety reared its ugly head. “No!”, I yelled. I was alive and I was thriving. Quickly jumping to
my feet, I ran to my dresser mirror. It would be the first time, seeing the new me since my amputations.
Raising my head slowly my eyes met a man I had never seen before. A mangled mess stared back at me.
Yet, I didn’t see the ugly. I seen a victor. A man who fought for his life. I seen a man with the desire to
live. Admiring my new self, I calming starting whistling that familiar tune. I knew what I had to do.
The next few months, I spent talking to the detectives. Occasionally throwing them a false bone
toward their investigation. Had I not been a missing person, I would have avoided the police all
together.
A year has passed since my abduction. My life has changed for the better. I have faired well. I
often think about Doc and if he is still practicing. I did what he asked. I survive, appreciate, and share my
new gift to the world. I no longer spend my days waiting for life to toss me a crumb of its cookie. There
is value in the very air we breathe, the water we drink, the dwelling that shelters us, and the nutriment
we eat. Yet, it’s been difficult to convince people of this without some persuasion. So, please calm your
breathing. I am not going to kill you. This will only take three minutes. So, relax, do you have the desire
to live?” “For you, I truly hope so.

This goes back to Mother’s Day when we argued about me feeling unappreciated. He offered to handle the morning feeding for a week to make it up.
We decided he would come help with the baby at 9:30 am, allowing me to nap. He texted me at 9:35 saying he needed 15 more minutes, and I said sure. He showed up at 10 am and took care of the baby. I went back to bed immediately, but it takes me nearly an hour to fall asleep as I’m a light sleeper.
At around 10:50, he told me he had to go poop and needed to leave at 11 am. I told him, with my eyes closed, that I hadn’t fallen asleep yet but was very close. Instead of putting the baby in her crib in the nursery, he left her in the bassinet next to my bed. Baby started crying and screaming, and I exploded, saying, “Babe, I’m so close to falling asleep.”
I told him he could have put the baby in the nursery while he pooped. He argued he didn’t know it takes me a long time to fall asleep, despite me telling him.
After he left, I texted him, explaining:
I was upset that after I told him I didn’t get the rest I needed, he still chose to put the baby next to me. I admitted that I shouldn’t have escalated my anger so quickly. I felt I was considerate enough to let him sleep longer in the morning before his turn. Despite knowing he had to leave at 11 and that it takes me a long time to fall asleep, he still disturbed my rest and came help late. This kind of disturbance was very uncomfortable and even painful for me.
He argued that if I were disciplined enough to sleep soon after baby went to bed, he wouldn’t have to help me. He said he was paying for my lack of discipline. He said that if he hadn’t offered to help, I wouldn’t have been mad at him to begin with.
I agreed that shouting was not the right way to express my discontent. I’m grateful for his intention to help, but I don’t think that means I should not be displeased for whatever help is offered, regardless of how it affects me.
He said that I think the world revolves around me and I shouldn’t even be mad at someone who is helping me out.
AITA?
P.S We sleep in different rooms because his snoring makes me sleep poorly and our baby also wakes up early, so we didn’t want to affect both of our sleep.
We run a business together so our working hours are more flexible. We divided our responsibilities, with him primarily managing our business and me focusing on taking care of the baby while also working when I have the opportunity. We work late and we are both night owls.

I’m not even being snarky when I say this but I legitimately think Michelle and Kim have a food addiction. Michelle said she wants to start getting into the gym and get healthy and I just can’t imagine how she would be able to maintain that if she is always with Kim. I think they are legit addicted. It makes me kind of sad actually because I feel like Kim justifies it because she makes $$$ off of it because mukbangs are part of her job… but at what cost?? Her health?? Carlos is doing so amazing at his weight loss and healthy journey and I saw Kim posted on his recovery photo that they are closer to refried beans after he recovers but I do hope he can stick to his journey. He probably feels sooo much better! Edit: do you think Kim pays Michelle for being on her mukbangs? Technically Kim is profiting off of their conversations. I would feel a certain type of way if I was stuffing my face on a YT video weekly and my friends making $$$ off of it. Maybe I’m just petty 🤪

What is a web page audit?

A web page audit is a comprehensive analysis of a website's performance, structure, and content to identify areas for improvement. It involves evaluating various aspects such as page load speed, mobile-friendliness, SEO optimization, and user experience. By conducting a web page audit, businesses can gain valuable insights into their website's strengths and weaknesses, allowing them to make informed decisions on how to optimize their web pages. One of the main goals of a web page audit is to increase sales by enhancing the overall performance and user satisfaction of the website.

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Defining the audit objectives

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Off-Page Factors

Assessing backlink profile

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Conclusion

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The web page audit conducted using SEMrush provides valuable insights for optimizing every web page. The key takeaways from the audit include understanding the algorithm used by search engines to rank web pages. By analyzing the algorithm, website owners can make informed decisions to improve their page rankings. Additionally, the audit highlights the importance of conducting regular audits to identify and fix any issues that may affect the performance of the web page. With the help of SEMrush, website owners can optimize their web pages and drive more organic traffic to their sites.

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I would like to start off, please don't just say "Hi" I would like to hear at least a little bit about you such as age, gender and hobbies :<
Hi! Male 18 Arkansas! Looking for somebody to talk to and hopefully get along with, hopefully we can become something more than friends? I'd prefer that over anything. Also, don't ghost me? I'm tired of being ghosted :>
My cons, I can't drive at the moments but I'm working my way to get there. I will have my license soon!
I'm also slightly chubby but my height kinda fixes it. I'm around 6 feet tall and weigh around 230lbs
I play games alot or sleep alot.
I'm very clingy and I get attached way to easily
My pros?
I can cook! I can make really good fried chicken and homemade baked Mac n cheese so if you ever want some im your guy :3
I try my best to be sweet and kind
I'm a pretty big nerd (not book smart but random fact smart)
And I have a cat!
I also love stuffed animals and I really hope to be able to make a collection someday
My interests/hobbies Include: playing games, drawing, watching tv/YouTube, listening to music, cooking, and learning useless lore about things.
Now, I don't really have a type, I love all shapes and sizes of people (although I do prefer chubby people! It means they know how to eat well) but please don't hesitate to dm me! I'm sure that as long as you aren't too manipulative or toxic well be fine!
And my age range? Please don't be over 25. Anything over just kinda makes me feel uneasy :<
I really hope to talk to you!!!!

I would like to start off, please don't just say "Hi" I would like to hear at least a little bit about you such as age, gender and hobbies :<
Hi! Male 18 Arkansas! Looking for somebody to talk to and hopefully get along with, hopefully we can become something more than friends? I'd prefer that over anything. Also, don't ghost me? I'm tired of being ghosted :>
My cons, I can't drive at the moments but I'm working my way to get there. I will have my license soon!
I'm also slightly chubby but my height kinda fixes it. I'm around 6 feet tall and weigh around 230lbs
I play games alot or sleep alot.
I'm very clingy and I get attached way to easily
My pros?
I can cook! I can make really good fried chicken and homemade baked Mac n cheese so if you ever want some im your guy :3
I try my best to be sweet and kind
I'm a pretty big nerd (not book smart but random fact smart)
And I have a cat!
I also love stuffed animals and I really hope to be able to make a collection someday
My interests/hobbies Include: playing games, drawing, watching tv/YouTube, listening to music, cooking, and learning useless lore about things.
Now, I don't really have a type, I love all shapes and sizes of people (although I do prefer chubby people! It means they know how to eat well) but please don't hesitate to dm me! I'm sure that as long as you aren't too manipulative or toxic well be fine!
And my age range? Please don't be over 25. Anything over just kinda makes me feel uneasy :<
I really hope to talk to you!!!!

As of right now, I have 14 normal tubs, 1 mini tub, and have tried several other flavors not in my current collection. I will try to list and rate them based on my taste. I'm curious to hear how others feel about these flavors. Here we go!
Loveberry Slushie (Neopets Raspberry Lemonade) Mini Tub. This one was pretty good. Basically just as the name states, it's raspberry lemonade..nothing too fancy. I do wish it was a little more lemony, I like my lemonade more tart, but it's still good. I only have 1-2 servings left out of the 15 serving tub. I give this one 7.5/10
Unicorn Sunshine (Rainbow Stripe Gum) This one brings back some memories for me. The rainbow stripe (or fruit stripe gum) flavor reminds me of the multiflavored gum, but unlike the gum, the flavor profile lasts longer. However it is more on the sweet side than I enjoy, but it's still good. I have maybe 1/2 the tub left. 6/10.
Red Ooze (Sour Cherry) I love the sour flavors, and I love cherry. This one was a winner for me for quite a while, until the powder coagulated into a solid mass and I had to break it apart. Based on reviews and research, that was a problem with this particular flavor, and while it doesn't ruin the flavor, it's harder to get a drink ready because it's like pieces of gravel. It isn't that it's gone bad or anything, just something with the dye used caused it to clump. Would be 9/10 if it weren't for the clumping issue, but this one is a 7/10.
Orange Vibe (orange Creamsicle) This one was a huge disappointment to me. Every time I've made it, 1 scoop for 16oz of water, it's tasted like a melted, watered down orange creamsicle. The flavor isn't strong so it again tastes super diluted and watered down, and I really don't enjoy it. It's much lower ranked than I would have liked at a 5/10.
Kamehameha. I have no idea what this flavor is, only that it was way sweeter than I hoped or wanted. It's a Dragonball Z skin, which is cool I guess, (never watched the show). I don't have much to say on this since out of my 40 serving tub, I've only had one or two servings and wasn't a fan. 4/10
Wyld Stallyns (Bahama Mama) Bill and Ted reskin of Bahama Mama which is most excellent. This flavor is fun and makes me feel like I'm at the beach. I love the tropical flavors, even if it's a little sweeter than I prefer. The Bill and Ted reskin is what made me go with this, and I got this a a collector's box which was super awesome. 9/10
Blue Bomber Slushee (Vanilla Blue Raspberry) This is the only tub I have that I have not opened yet. I have a feeling it will be good, but since I haven't opened it yet, I can't say anything or rank this one. Maybe I should check it out sometime.
Tawny Owl Potion (Black Currant) Ok, this one I waited a LONG time for the Witcher Collectors Box and I was NOT disappointed. This one is super dark, tangy, and incredible. The flavor is exactly on point for what I look for and love, sour, fruity, berryish. 10/10 Plus the collection box itself was 15/10
Caramel Apple This one is one again I was super excited for and when I tried it I was super disappointed. I don't know if it was the mix I got, but it was too much caramel, not enough green apple. I was really hoping for more tangy green apple as that's what I remember of the lollipops that this flavor was made to mimic. Alas, more caramel, and a little too sweet. PS..GFUEL doesn't do artificial caramel flavor well. 4/10.
Iskreem (Sour Strawberry Cotton Candy) This is another one I was super excited about. It's a Twisted Metal skin, which is awesome for me, one of my favorite game franchises. The first time I tried it, it was a little too...perfumy? sweet? it was too something I didn't like, but I keep trying it and it's easily in my top 3 flavors now. The strawberry and cotton candy are an unusual combination of flavors, but it works. 10/10
Rainbow Sherbet. This is one of my earliest flavors of GFuel I bought and tried. Really a classic. Only reason I haven't finished the tub is there are flavors I enjoy more. I'll give this one a 7.5/10
Peach Rings. This sonic Peach rings reminds me so much of a candy I love. This one is a little sweeter than I like, and has an odd aftertaste, but it's still pretty good. Tastes just like the candy which is nice. 7/10
Nuka Cola Quantum. This one really surprised me. I mean I knew from the description on the website it wasn't cola flavored, but the flavor profile is extremely delightful to me. It's not sour, but the tropical flavors of this, along with the color make it one of my favorites. This one gets a 9/10.
Black Ice (Blackberry Pear Vanilla) This is another one I was pleasantly surprised with. The flavor combination intrigued me, and while I'm not typically a fan of pear flavors, this one did well. A little sweeter than I prefer, but still pretty good. 8/10
Uncharted Fortune Blend (Pina Colada) This one I was excited for, and finally opened today, and was disappointed. This one is super sweet, and more perfume flavored than pina colada flavored. I will still drink this one because it's not terrible, but it's a little sweeter than I prefer. 7/10
Flavors I no longer have but have had/tried:
Peach Cobbler. NO... just...no. Tried this both with water and milk, and all I got was allspice flavor...after 2 servings I threw it away. However this one was NOT the worst one I tried, but I was extremely disappointed in it. 2/10
Classified Flavor...this is by far the worst flavor I've ever tasted. I had 1 serving of the tub and threw it away... Was some weird mixture of watermelon and mint? I got this and the Peach cobbler as a BOGO and can say it was the only GFuel order I regret. 0/10 on this flavor.
ClickBait. (Cherry Pomegranate) I had this as a neopets skin (Can't remember which one) but I loved it. Was one of my favorite flavors. I need to order this one again as the Neopets tubs were mini-tubs. 9/10
Ragin' Gummy Fish... this flavor is ok. Swedish fish in a drink basically. Too sweet for my taste. Only ever had this in single serve pouches. 5/10
Sour Blue Chug Rug. This one I've only ever had in the individual serving pouches, but it's pretty good. Cherry is still better but this one is sour, which I like. 7/10
What flavors that I have not tried should I be looking at? My flavor profile is sour, fruity, citris/tropical.

LONG POST WARNING
Hello everyone,
My partner (24F) and I (25M) returned home from our 3-week Japan trip last week and due to us using this sub a lot during our planning I thought it would be helpful for other current planners to upload a trip report.
Our main interests are Japanese traditions and history, street style/culture, and food so keep reading if these interests are mutual. Read to the bottom to see how much we spent plus some tips and disappointments.
Prelude
We were caught up in the madness at Dubai airport during our layover. Long story short; Airport (and the rest of Dubai) flooded and caused all the flights to be cancelled. What was meant to be a 5-hour layover turned into a torturous 36 hour wait. No staff to be seen, crowds of people arguing, fighting, and crying. We queued for 12 hours to get a new boarding pass for the next flight to Japan. We were meant to fly to Haneda but settled for Narita as we needed to get out of that place as soon as possible but still ended up missing our first day in Tokyo (should have had 5 days). We can’t complain too much as some of the people I spoke to on emirates were in the airport for up to 5 days before getting a flight back to their departure destination. Oh, and our baggage was missing with us only receiving our checked in bags on day 19. Cheers Emirates.
Day 1
Arrived in Shinjuku around midnight. We went straight to Don Quiojte to buy some replacement cosmetics and clothes. The combination of no good-quality sleep for 48 hours and the stimulating nature of the store was very intense! We then started to walk back towards the hostel and passed a Ichiran, so dropped in for some 2am ramen. Not the best ramen I’ve ever had but was still very good for the price.
Steps: 21,643 (includes some airport steps)
Day 2
Woke up and ate the free breakfast at the hostel (this turned out to be a really good money saver for the whole trip as we are not huge eaters in the morning anyway, but it was good to get something light in us before a long day walking). We then walked through the Shinjuku Gyoen Garden – saw some late blooming cheery blossoms and overall, it was a really beautiful botanical garden.
The next stop was Meji Shrine and a walk through Yoyogi park. The shrine was cool to see, especially as it was our first one in Japan. Saw a middle-aged man wearing denim hotpants so short that his balls were hanging out?!?!
Walked to Shibuya to see the scramble. This was cool but also felt it was a bit underwhelming at ground level but the view from Shibuya station walkway was wicked. Lunch was at a conveyor belt sushi place on the top floor of this department store right next to the scramble. This would be higher than average quality sushi in Europe, so it blew our minds that it was available on the top floor of a department store and for so cheap.
Shimokitazawa – We picked up some bargains at 2^nd street and I treated myself some Japanese jeans from a small Demin shop called Bears. The guy in the shop was super helpful and friendly and even tailored the trousers to exactly my size.
In the evening, we first had a poke around Golden Gai and then headed towards Shibuya and stopped in a cool bar where the owner was mixing vinyl while he mixed your drinks (think it was called Q Bar).
We had previously bought tickets to a gig at Circus for one of my fav rappers who I’d been wanting to see for a while. Also really enjoyed seeing the local Japanese warm up acts. Stayed until 5am and then go the train straight to the Tsukiji outer fish market. Was there way too early and had to wait roughly an hour for thing to open. Went to chill by a bench for a bit and by the time we went back to the market it was rammed! Went to bed around 8:30am.
Steps: 32,159
Day 3
We woke up at 2:30pm, got ready, and headed to the Bunkyo civic centre for the free observation deck. We heard it wasn’t meant to be the best Tokyo skyline view but for a free attraction we thought it was very good! Jimbocho book town was also very cool to see. We had a peak into a couple adult movie/magazine stores where I don’t think the owner appreciated our presence as western tourists.
In the evening, we first went for Ramen at Motenashi Kuraki in Asakusa Bashi. Honestly probably the best Ramen I’ve had to date. I ordered the Black Pepper Shio special, and it blew my mind. Even though the staff didn’t speak English they were very accommodating for my partner who doesn’t eat meat (pescetarian but will brave a meaty broth).
We then had a stroll around Akihabara and played some dance mat games in the arcades before heading back for an earlyish night.
Steps: 28,680
Day 4
I couldn’t sleep so got up around 3am and did some admin stuff to try and get our bags back to us ASAP. Chatted to people in the hostel for a few hours.
We arrived at Senso-ji for around 8am. Wasn’t too busy at this time and the temple was impressive. Went for a coffee down the road and had a chill for about an hour before heading into Asakusa. Got admission to the Drum museum which was wicked. Only 400 yen each and had the whole place to ourselves to smack some big fucking drums and make as much noise as we wanted.
We then started to head towards Ueno but made a slight detour to Kappabashi Dougu street to peruse the Japanese chef knives and other cookware. Grabbed lunch from a 7/11 and went and sat in Ueno park which was super busy. There was some food market event on which loads of food stalls had set up. There was also a stage with some J-pop performers and people dressed as ninjas dancing in the crowd. Weird to say the least. By mid-afternoon we were pretty tired so headed back to the hostel for a nap.
In the evening, we headed down to Harajuku and stopped by Big Love records. My partner is really into vinyl, so this was definitely a highlight for her. She picked up Wu Tang 36 chambers in case you were wondering. We then went for food at Afuri as my partner wanted to try the Vegan ramen to which she said it was ok but nothing special. My cold dipping noodle dish was very tasty, however. We then stumbled across this vinyl listening bar called Bar Music on the 5^th floor of this pokey building on the outskirts of Shibuya for a few drinks before bed. There was such a good vibe in there and the cocktails were super good for the price. If you’re looking for a romantic spot, then this is the place to go.
Steps: 31,818
Day 5
Today we headed to Kyoto on the shinkansen around midday after a slow morning chilling in and around the hostel and catching up on some sleep. Checked in to the hostel and had a walk around downtown Kyoto, stopping at 2^nd Street to buy some more clothes.
In the evening, we headed to Kodai-Ji to see the shrine lit up at night. We couldn’t believe how few people were there as it was stunning and truly magical place to be at night. It also has a bamboo grove (much better than Arashiyama, see below). The bar for Kyoto shrines/temples had been set very high.
Walked down Pontocho alley and stopped at a yakitori restaurant which was just ok. We knew it was going to be average when we looked around the restaurant and it was just western tourists dining.
Steps: 25,255
Day 6
First thing in the morning we rented bikes and cycled across the city to Arashiyama. Parked the bikes at the train station and walked up through Arashiyama. We were expecting it to be busy but there were so many people it was almost impossible to move. Had a look around the bamboo grove and was slightly underwhelmed after our visit to Kodai-Ji so we took the tram and then bus up to Kosan-Ji. This was very much worth the 45-minute journey as there was only one other group there and the temple nestled between the trees overlooking the river was breath-taking. On the whole, Arashiyama was way too packed during peak times to enjoy and with everything else Kyoto has to offer we wouldn’t say it was a must see.
We then picked up the bikes from the train station and cycled back across Kyoto taking the long route to explore and get lost. Once we dropped off the bikes, we went for another explore and this time went into WeGo for more clothes shopping. At this point we’d pretty much matched the amount of clothing that we had packed in our checked-in luggage that was still stuck in Dubai.
After a nap we walked towards the metro and stopped at a Katsu restaurant as we wanted to try something different, and it was pretty good. For the price of 1300 yen each we got so much food/sake and left stuffed.
Fushimi Inari in the evening. Like Kodai-Ji, we would recommend visiting Fushimi Inari at night. Firstly, to help avoid the crowds (we got there around 9pm and there was hardly anybody there) and secondly as seeing it lit up at night is a nice change. It was however slightly creepy at night, especially as it was lightly raining. My partner started to get a bit scared once we saw the signs to be careful of the wild boar and monkeys haha. We didn’t make it to the top of Mt Inari as the rain started to get heavy but still very much enjoyed walking through the hundreds of tori gates, stopping off at the shrines and soaking up the history.
Steps: 23,686
Day 7
Today was a late start as even after 8 hours sleep the 25k plus steps a day was starting to catch up with us.
We took the metro to Shimogamo Shrine in north Kyoto. It was very peaceful and quiet however temple fatigue had definitely set in at this point. We then walked through Kyoto to the beginning of Philosophers path. We had seen on this sub that people recommend skipping it unless its Sakura season however we disagree. The path along the river is so pretty and atmospheric, along with the fish gently swimming along in the river.
Kyoto Hand Crafts Centre – if you have the money then this is a great place to pick up souvenirs.
Pre-booked Sushi Iwa for a 15 course Omakase. The food was amazing, but it came to an eye watering 28k yen each. The difference for our western palettes between mid-range sushi and exceptional sushi is negligible. Nonetheless it was a good experience and I’m glad that we did it.
Steps: 23,751
Day 8
Today was an empty day in terms of things we wanted to do, so used it to walk the city and explore.
We checked out the Nishiki market and ate various fried foods on sticks which were all pretty tasty. We then walked northwards, stopping for coffee before reaching the imperial palace. By this point we were very much bored of temples and structures of similar architecture, but we actually ended up enjoying walking the palace grounds and seeing the buildings more than we thought and would recommend it to those who find themselves in north Kyoto.
A leisurely walk back down towards downtown Kyoto, stopping off at a wicked standing soba joint. Forgotten the name but their curry soba was delicious.
Chao Chao gyozas (only veggie gyoza place we could find) for our evening meal before a night cap at the bar across the road before bed.
Steps: 23,304
Day 9
Shinkansen to Hiroshima arriving around 11am.
Checked into hostel and then went straight to the A-dome, peace memorial and museum. We thought the museum was very moving and captured the horror of the events that unfolded very well. A must see for sure.
Okonomiyaki at Okonomimura and then some vintage clothes shopping in Hondori.
Went back out for food in the evening and ended up getting Okonomiyaki again. This time it we enjoyed it a lot more than we did at lunch (probably because we got it covered in cheese). There are a few streets by Hiroshima station with lots of bars and restaurants on top of each other, much like Golden Gai in Shinjuku, however they are not super touristy and has a more laid-back feel to them.
We then went to some bars in the city centre. The best one we stumbled across was called Tropical Bar Revolucion. It was on the 8^th floor and the smoking balcony overlooked the city. Plus, the beers in there tasted so good and I’m not sure why.
Steps: 23,299
Day 10
A hungover morning. Headed to the Hiroshima National Gardens. Going to some gardens is my go-to hangover activity as its low effort, relaxing, and feels productive. These gardens in particular were great and we really appreciated the signs explaining the history behind the space. Overall, we enjoyed this more than the national gardens in Shinjuku.
Public baths near Dobashi in the afternoon. If you’re feeling brave enough to get your kit off in front of 10s of strangers, then this is a good experience. Male and female baths are separate. Can’t go wrong for 400 yen.
Went for a drink at Bar Pretty and then realised the effect of golden week on trying to get a table walking into a restaurant. Walked around for about an hour with no success so settled for food from a department store food court. Sounds miserable but the food was pretty good for the price, and it was busy in there, so it still had an atmosphere.
Steps: 29,487
Day 11
Miyajima Day. Took the ferry to the island arriving at 10:30am. The Ryokan staff met us at the port and collected our bags to take back to the hotel.
Had a mooch around the port area before doing the hike up Mt Misen. The climb to the top on a hot day is not to be underestimated. Sweating buckets, but the route and the view from the top was amazing and one of the standout highlights of the whole trip.
After descending Mt Misen, we bought some beers, oysters and, ice cream and sat along the beach wall and chilled in the sun for a couple hours. The hotel staff then picked us up from the ferry terminal, we checked in and went straight to the Onsen for a couple hours before dinner. Dinner was a traditional kaiseki meal (with more courses than I can remember) served in the banquet hall with the other guests.
While the staff converted our retro ryokan room and set up the futons we had a few more beers before bed.
Steps: 20,803
Day 12
Today we had a chilled morning on the island, having a stroll and stopping for some coffees. We then took the ferry back to Hiroshima, stopping for Okonomiyaki one more time, before taking the shinkansen to Osaka.
Checked into our hostel near Namba and went out for a walk around 8pm. When looking for somewhere to eat we walked past a sign for a vegetarian Indian restaurant called Shama. After nearly two weeks of pure Japanese food we were craving some variety so decided to head in. Located on the basement floor of a particularly run down looking building the restaurant was not the most glamorous. Barely enough space for 10 people, it was hot in there. A constant stream of people was coming in and out of the restaurant and we were lucky enough to walk in when there were two spaces available. From sitting down at the table to receiving our food we waited just under an hour. This would be enough to put most people off but fuck me the food was good when it did finally arrive. We got a selection of 4 different curries, naan breads and samosa. We left stuffed. If you’re in the area this is definitely a place worth checking out.
Steps: 25,502
Day 13
Our first stop of the day was the Umeda Sky Building. Not suitable if you are scared of heights as the glass elevator made our stomachs drop slightly. The views were impressive but we thought the price was a bit steep at 1500 yen each.
We then spent the afternoon wondering about near Namba and Shinsujibashi dropping into shops and picking up some food.
For dinner we made a reservation for a Mexican restaurant near Dotonbori. Massive margheritas, nachos and enchiladas. The food was great, and it shows by how busy the place was still at 10pm. It had been open since the late 70’s with the décor to match and it had a great atmosphere.
Steps: 27,290
Day 14
Checked out Tsuruhashi and Korea Town. Loved the market – dimly lit maze of numerous food and clothing vendors. Stopped to have some Korean stew and pancakes and it was delicious. One of the best meals of the trip.
Shinsekai in the evening. What I can describe as the armpit of Osaka. We loved it. Dirty? Yes. Rowdy? Yes. Rough around the edges with a red light district to top it all off. We had Kushikatsu to finish the evening off. Fried stuff on a stick – of course it going to be tasty but it wasn’t exactly flavour town.
Steps: 23,777
Day 15
Took the train to Minoh and hiked up the trail to see the waterfall. Hike was easy in comparison to Mt Misen and the waterfall was very cool to see. Had a wonder around Minoh stopping for some lunch at a Ramen bar.
We went to the Team lab botanical gardens in the evening. It was very awe inspiring seeing all the installations lit up.
After sampling Japanese McDonalds (I had a burger where the buns were made out of rice) we went for some drinks at Zerro. We liked this bar a lot, the guys working there were very friendly and it had a good vibe.
We then sat and watched the skaters at triangle park with some beers from the konbini before going to see Dj Masda at Circus until around 4am. This area of Osaka was such a vibe and came back here a few times over our 6 days here. Overall, a very fun evening.
Steps: 26,130
Day 16
Woke up chronically hungover but powered on and went to see a baseball game. You’re allowed to bring food and drink into the stadium (as long as alcohol is in plastic/paper cups) so we grabbed some beers and snacks from family mart. We had no idea what was happening but the atmosphere was electric and we enjoyed getting pissed and cheering.
Had a nap and then went to Hafez for middle eastern food. The food was good but not amazing, nothing in comparison to my local middle eastern restaurant back home. Chilled around the Namba park/Big step area. Loved this area so much, we are big into street fashion and culture so this place really ticked some boxes. Lots of skaters and street wear stores concentrated around here. Got an early night watching Battle Royale back at the hostel.
Steps: 22,065
Day 17
Today we went to the Umeda area. Popped into some shopping centres and had Omurice for lunch. It was tasty but not something I will crave when back home. Good experience trying it though. We then walked through Yodoyobashi along the rivers and got gelato and sat in the rose garden. The sun was beating down and we enjoyed just chilling in the sun eating our ice cream.
Compufunk Records were holding a party in their store. Decent gaff with some very welcoming and kind people to party with until the early hours.
Steps: 21,267
Day 18
We reluctantly left Osaka for Hakone today. Very sad to go but onwards to the next adventure. Took the shinkansen to Odawara and then the Hakone Tozan Train to Gora. Checked into our Ryokan and relaxed in the Onsen for a few hours.
Went for a walk around Gora and had dinner at the Ryokan before watching Predator in bed.
Steps: 16,926
Day 19
Today we did the Hakone Loop, starting early in Gora.
Started with the Open-air museum and it was great. We loved the installation and ended up spending 3 hours slowly making our way round. Got some cool photos as well for the gram.
Ropeway to Lake Ashi. This was absolutely terrifying. You have to swap cable cars 3 times on the way over and the warnings of the service being suspended due to the wind was announced at each stop. I’m not going to ruin the surprise, but one section made me literally freeze in terror due to the winds outside so try to do it on a calm weather day.
We then took the pirate boat (bit underwhelming) across the Lake and stopped for some soba noodles and a wander around. Unfortunately it was way too cloudy to even get a chance at seeing Mt Fuji.
Train to Kamakura and checked into our super cute traditional hostel near the beach.
Dinner at an Izakaya from the hostel owners recommendation. Food great and beers slipped down a treat. First time I tried Yuzu Kosho as well – I’m now addicted to the stuff and literally cover all my food with it.
Steps: 19,512
Day 20
A slow start to the morning. Weather was pretty bad but we still managed to hit all the main sights in Kamakura. Big Buddha was a refreshing sight from the temples. Did some shopping up Komachi Dori. Highlight of the day was Hukokaji temple. It was so peaceful and zen in the rain with its very own matcha tea ceremony backdropped by bamboo forest. This turned out to be our second favourite temple/shrine we visited, just being beaten by Kodaji.
In the evening we went for Sushi at a conveyor belt place. Figured this would probably be my last Japanese sushi of the trip so devoured 7000 yen worth of sushi and beer. Went back to the hostel and invited some of the other guests to drink with us. The owner of the hostel had some bayberry homebrew, so we got stuck into that.
Steps: 20,494
Day 21
Enoshima Island is just a 25 min train from Kamakura. Started off the day by walking to the top of the island to get French toast and a beer with a lovely view across the bay. We then headed up the Sea candle to check out the observation deck, still the illusive Mt Fuji hides behind the clouds.
We then bought admission to the caves beneath the island which was pretty cool. I won’t ruin the surprise but there’s something waiting for you at the end of one of the caves.
Had an explore around the rockpools near the caves and took some cool photos. We then had a pizza with fish on which was pretty crazy. Walked around the island a little bit more and I picked up some more Japanese denim which wasn’t the cheapest but the quality of the trousers are great and will last me a lifetime.
Back to Tokyo in the evening.
Went for Izakaya around Asakusa and popped into a couple bars. One was called Not Suspicious and the whole bar was covered in handwritten notes by patrons. Very touristy but quite cool at the same time. Our favourite was a drawing of Mario saying It’s a Me Muthafucka.
Steps: 25,903
Day 22
First stop was Don Quiojte to pick up some Yuzu Kosho (if you know you know) and weird flavoured KitKats.
Kappabashi Dougu street to purchase a fine Japanese carbon stell Santoku. Honestly in love with this knife so much. The people at the store were very happy to hear exactly what I was looking for and even let me try before you buy on some daikon radish.
While in Asakusa I had to return to the place where I put the best thing in my mouth in Japan. Motenashi Kuroki. Switched it up this time and had their classic Shio ramen plus the duck rice as a side. Honestly this place is amazing, and you have to go there if you have time. They aren’t veggie/pescy friendly so my partner went for one last round of sushi round the corner. We met up at a massage chair parlour and spent 30 mins relaxing in the chairs.
We had a bright idea to watch the sunset one last time so headed over to the rooftop park on a department store in Shibuya. Sipping on an ice cold Kirin, the sun slowly dropped behind the distant mountains and we knew our trip had come to an end. How symbolic.
Flight at 11pm from Haneda.
Steps: 23,187
On reflection:
I honestly think this trip was almost perfect in terms of hitting our interests and travel style. There was a good balance of doing the typical first time visit to Japan sights and activities while still exploring and seeing what we came across in the moment.
It hard to pinpoint exact highlights of the trip as everywhere we visited had so much going for it in different ways. We loved the rugged and trendy vibe to Osaka, and I think this would be the city I would most want to live in for a considerable amount of time (If I had to choose). Miyajima was also stunning and a great overnight trip with the Ryokan experience. We also underestimated how much we would enjoy Kamakura with its laid-back surfer vibe and access to Enoshima Island.
One random memorable moment that has stuck with me was when we landed at Narita airport, we took the limo bus to Shinjuku. As the driver pulled away, all the staff at the station turned and bowed in unison. It felt so special to first observe a culture totally opposite to the one I grew up with and was at this point I knew I had embarked on the trip of a lifetime.
If I could go back and change something I would probably miss out Hakone and do an extra day in one of the major cities. This isn’t because we didn’t enjoy Hakone, but we feel like it’s a place that needs more time to soak in what’s going on around you (plus the weather was bad when we were there). This being said the Open-Air Museum was amazing and we enjoyed it more than the Teamlab botanical gardens so the trip up the mountains was worth it just for that.
So, how much did we spend per person (not inc flights)?
Accommodation - £765pp
Given that we spent a couple nights in Ryokans raising the average price slightly, we were pretty happy with the accommodation costs. We stayed in a mix of private room and shared dorm hostels and pretty much all of them were spot on. Travelling as a couple meant that anywhere with a private room split the price between 2. The only hostel we didn’t like was the one in Hiroshima, there wasn’t anything in particularly wrong with it, there was just a really bad vibe from the owner and other guests.
Transport - £344pp
This includes shinkansen to and from all the major cities as well as our suica top ups for metros and buses. Unless your itinerary is something like 3 days Tokyo, 2 days Osaka 2 days Kyoto then there really isn’t any point getting the JR pass now that the price has increased.
Activities – £280pp
It is hard to give an exact amount for activities and food as 1) I didn’t track what we spent our cash on and 2) my partner and I would take in turns paying for things like temple admission. That being said I’ve allocated 25% of the cash we spent to activities such as temple admission. Activities includes our baseball tickets plus club entries as well as temple and museum admissions etc.
Food – £962pp
As above, its hard to give an exact amount for food. On the whole we tried to eat cheap with possible, especially at the start of our trip. There were a few expensive meals peppered in plus we ate out twice a day towards the end of our trip as we realised we were under budget.
The total is a bit skewed as this includes all the alcohol we bought in bars as well as the konbini trips for beers and cigarettes. I estimate that booze accounts for around a third of the total per person. If you would like to do Japan on a budget, reducing the booze will make a big difference.
Shopping/Souvenirs/Gifts – £607 (just me)
We went hard with the shopping. We didn’t actually receive our checked in luggage until day 19 so we had to buy all new clothes and cosmetics. If this wasn’t the case, then I don’t think I would have spent so much (airline is comping us for the additional clothing bought anyway). I also bought a fairly expensive chef knife and Japanese denim pieces, plus lots of gifts for friends and family. Obviously, this number could theoretically 0 if you are on a serious budget and did no shopping but I really underestimated Japanese shopping, especially thrifting. Also, given our cheap choices when it came to accommodation we could afford to splurge. However just to note my partner spent less than half than I did on shopping.
Total: £2958 (582,628 yen at time of writing)
I kept within my budget of £3000. I definitely got a bit frivolous with the cash in the last few days or so, if being as careful as I was towards the start of the trip, I think the total would be closer to £2500.
Disappointments
Takoyaki. We thought it was going to be all about the octopus but were disappointed with our balls of sloppy goo surrounding tiny chewy pieces of octopus. We tried it twice and couldn’t get behind it. Sorry Takoyaki fans.
Arashiyama. Way too busy, especially around the main station and bamboo grove. If it’s the bamboo you are going to see, then Kodaji is a much better spot.
Dotonburi. Albeit we were there in golden week, and it was pretty busy. However, I get the feeling this area has fallen to the past its golden days title and has become a bit of a cash cow for places selling spiralised potatoes on a stick. The area around Namba park was a better option for us.
Tips
Konbini. Absolute life saver for snacks and drinks on the go. The food quality for a convenience store is higher than most other countries so we had no problem with grabbing a meal from one to help keep within our budget.
Don’t over pack – even though we didn’t get our checked in bags, I still packed light so had plenty of space to bring stuff back. Emirates give you your allowance by weight rather than number of baggage so we could check in additional bags on the way back.
Don’t be scared of hostels. If you don’t want to brave the shared dorms, then most hostels offer private rooms with just the shower and toilet shared. Obviously, it’s cheaper if there are two people sharing a room.
Don’t stress about cash. Most places take debit/credit card and if they don’t, you’re never more than 5 minutes from a konbini ATM.
For us, golden week didn’t seem that big of an issue. No problems booking shinkansen around GW. We spent most of GW in Osaka, as such it was going to be busy anyway so maybe we didn’t see much of a difference from normal numbers in the spring.

Hi there,
I wanted to get some advice on reading & collecting Batman. I've read him on and off here or there, but never collected his comics, which I want to start doing. I've read some of the bigger titles (Long Halloween, Year One, Court of Owls), but I've hesitated on collecting anything because it feels like DC reboots the characters and the universe every couple of years. I know that's going to keep happening but I am OK with that.
So, I have the following questions:

1. Batman and Detective Comics are the two to collect for the core and canon stories?
2. Is New 52 worth collecting? As in, how much of those events remained canon? I loved the stories and art in them , as well as the Batman & Robin comics that went into Damian's death and resurrection, but I don't want to buy those if their events are essentially erased from the universe.
3. Related to the above, should I start at Rebirth and make my way forward?
4. Do folks like to collect the volumes or individual comics? Where I can buy the latter cheaply to get, for example, the full New 52 run?
5. It seems like Grant Morrison did a big Batman run and that it largely covered Batman Inc, is that a staple in any collection?
6. Are there standalone Batman stories that are really worth getting? For example, Long Halloween, or some sort of omnibus
7. Is there a site or wiki that lists what the canon events are? For example, did Damian ACTUALLY die and get resurrected? Who knows??

Thank you in advance!

Had a dream just last night where I walked to a tree-dotted graveyard on a dark night. It was an old graveyard, many tombstones from as early as the 1750s. I soon struck up a conversation with a ghost who was inside one of those Graves. I cannot remember the subject of the conversation or anything said, but the conversation was relaxed and casual. After that, I continued walking and encountered a person with a large bird of prey. At first I thought it was an eagle, before realizing it was in fact a massive, grey-brown owl. I said something to them about how cool owls were, how you can see their eyes through their ears. They encouraged me to hold it.
I don't recall the conversations I had with anyone, or what the person with the owl looked like, but I remember the owl in great detail. It was large, grey with smatterings of grey-brown patterns. It had large yellow eyes, and it stared at me from the moment I encountered it until the dream had ended. It made no sounds, it was entirely quiet. I held it on my arm, thought it soon grew displeased with my posture (I've always been bad at holding animals-my cat hates when I try to hold her), and I felt its talons prick sharp at my arm. It then flew off, and back to the mysterious person, of whom I could make nothing out. We talked more about the owl, and

So, your child's getting an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. Via an owl. A bloody owl. First thought? That's a scam. My parents wouldn't even consider this to be true, let alone answer that stuff. But even if they were. How to find Diagnoalley? And if all goes well, my parents would've never opted for an owl. How do they write their children then? Sketchy letter, strange people selling all kinds of hilarious stuff, then the barrier to 9 3/4 (how do you even cross this, is there a first years 101 included in acceptance letters to Muggle parents?!)... I would never have been able to go. Even if Dumbledore came by, in person, to sort things out. My mum would FREAK out. Strangers know I live in the smallest bedroom? Heck, they would probably tell the police some fuckwit was stalking their precious little girl. I'd never make it in time for the first of September. I'd probably be able to go when I was 18, if that was an option.

If so, what would be the increase pattern? I just prefer using double crochet for lots of reasons, so hoping I can make this work! Thanks for any advice you have!

(sorry this is long, I just started and couldn’t stop)
I'm a 57F professional working as a Contracts Specialist for a large Tech Company. I discovered I have total Aphantasia about 2 months ago. I hate saying it that way, I "have" Aphantasia. It sounds like a disease or something. Still working on a way to word that when I share this with people who have never heard of it.
I have spent the months doing as much reading and self-searching as possible. I immediately felt relief when I discovered what Aphantasia is and have never had the feeling that I am missing out by not seeing the images, but I can sure understand why some would feel that way. For me it was the answer to questions I have been asking myself all my life. I just found out "I'm not crazy" AND "I'm not alone". I've never posted anything like this before, but when I joined, reading things like this from others when they first find out they are an Aphant was very helpful.
Some things I have thought about since learning this about myself.
Psychology Profession and Memory Loss - I have known I have a bad memory since I was a kid, I never understood why I couldn't remember things until someone "triggered" the memory. Once triggered, I can remember things fairly well. As many young adults, I had some issues adjusting to college life and chose to seek help with a professional. This was my first experience with being told I must be repressing a traumatic experience from my childhood. We spent many months/years and many tears trying to determine what that could be. Now I should add I was abused as a child and had remembered and dealt with that. My parents ended up shipping me off to my Grandparents to get away from her influence. But answer me this, if I remembered it and dealt with it and no longer had negative consequences from it, why didn’t my memory get better? Over the years I have seen a couple other therapists that wanted to concentrate on repressed memories because of my memory. I went along for a while but finally became convinced that there were no other memories to find. But that profession took a lot of my money, time and emotional wellbeing - yet nothing was ever discovered. I doubted people in my life that I never should have. Now I believe Aphantasia should be a part of all professional training for mental health wellness. I'm old, so maybe it is now??
Fake Memories - After experiencing this kind of high pressure "therapy" I can totally understand how people create fake memories. So many thoughts and details were provided during these sessions, I could have easily started to "make" things up and that leads to believing it happened in that environment. As a woman, I am always looking to please people, I tried to please my therapists. Aphantasia or not, false memories are not as hard to plant as you might think especially when that person is trying to make you happy.
Being Present - This has been a big thing the last few years. People pushing for you to be present in your life. Professionals have also mentioned that my memory issues may be due to the fact that I have never "been present" in my life. It took a few sessions to understand what the hell they meant and then spent much time trying to "be present" and I the only thing I determined is that I have always "been present" as best I can! I stopped going to therapists after this one.
Objects & Memories - I now understand why I have been holding on to things that most people would have let go of by now. For instance I have a large stuffed animal collection and have always told my husband I could not get rid of any of them as each one is a trigger for a good memory. I am afraid if I get rid of it, that memory will be lost forever. If the memory really does go away, then I can get rid of that object. If there is no memory trigger, it's pretty easy to let go. Same with taking photos, I have a better understanding of why I always had my camera out. Without a picture, did it really happen? Not in my memory!
Deep Connections - Aphantasia may be a factor in my perception as to why I cannot make deep connections with people. Because my brain does not pepper me with visions and thoughts of loved ones, I don't think about other people very often. I don't know what people mean when they say "I miss you". I truly am an OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND lifer. When I have expressed to others that I feel that way, I have been told they feel a deep connection and don't know what I would mean by deeper. Now I believe since I don't think about others often, I've just convinced myself over the years that my feelings must not be deep. If it were deep, wouldn’t I be on their minds like I am on theirs? I am starting to understand things a bit differently now, I love and care DEEPLY for the people in my life, I'm just not triggered to remember them.
Learning/Training - I have always had issues with classroom learning. I have trouble concentrating on what is being presented unless there is some kind of hands-on activity associated with the training. I recently moved to a new position at work, I used to be a corporate trainer. To start my new position there was a large learning curve. I found when someone one told me something about the job I needed to see it or even better perform the task myself. That is not always available in training situations. It has taken a while to get up to speed in this position and I was doing a great job of beating myself up about not catching on quickly. I must be getting old, I thought. I was usually frustrated as a trainer when I had to train people my age, they just didn't seem to "get it" when others did. Well here's my payback, now I have to learn and I'm the one not "getting it". I do really wish I had known about Aphantasia/Hypophantasia/Hyperphantasia while I was a trainer. I think about all the improvements I could make on the material if I knew how the student's memory worked. I never really used much visual assistance, other than performing the task in front of them, and now I think that would have been helpful for "normal" memory types. The good thing about my memory is that once I understand WHY something is done, I've got it, it's in the vault. I actually do better than most others once that lightbulb goes off. Sometimes it just takes a while to really have that understanding. I am very detail oriented and technical; I can pick up computer operating systems quickly, they make sense.
Face/People Recognition - I have a hard time identifying characters in a movie, especially if they are wearing similar clothing or haricuts. I even have difficulty remembering my waitperson after talking to them directly. I usually remember if they were Female or Male, but not always. If I need something from them, I am awful at locating my wait person. I usually end up asking some random employee. Once I am familiar with the person, I will recognize them, but there has to be some kind of connection made. This has proven to cause quite a bit of embarrassment when I run into someone I have met and have zero recollection of who they are or where I met them. Unfortunately, this has happened more than a handful of times. It makes the other person feel bad and that's the last thing I want to do.
Another thing I noticed that I believe fits in this section, is how people can imitate others. I now understand how they can do that; they actually have a mental image of that person doing something. They can see them moving, hear them talking and then interpret that to an imitation. That was one of the many lightbulbs that went off in my head while researching Aphantasia. I mean how does someone tell a sketch artist what someone looked like after a crime? Not only face blindness but adrenaline flowing as well. But some people can remember down to the angle of their eyes and shape of the mouth. That has always been such a mystery to me, how can people do that? Now I understand, they actually SEE the face.
Processing Information - One thing I have been wondering is if Aphantasia has anything to do with how fast my brain processes information on the regular. I have been called a fast thinker when I come to a conclusion quickly and process what is in front of me quicker than others. I notice this when playing games, learning and putting things together during a conversation. I have the ability to see the big picture which allows me to put things in place and make decisions quickly. It drives me crazy when it takes my mom 5 mins to make a move in a game. I can understand that a bit better now, so learning this about myself has also helped me understand others. Others have all kinds of images they are needing to process to decide. And after sharing my findings with my family I have determined that my mom is a Hyperphantasic. Her memory is amazing, she remembers everything from her childhood from 4yrs on. I've always been jealous of that kind of memory.
I even understand how Chess works and what they mean by look ahead 5 moves.
Psychedelics - In the Aphantasia community, I have FINALLY found kindred spirits when it comes to experimenting with certain drugs. Aspirin, Antihistamines, pain killers and other prescribed drugs work just fine. But when I have taken any illicit psychedelics, nothing happens. The first time I noticed I was not as affected as others was in college. I just figured everyone else was really exaggerating and I wasn't interested in trying again. But I have since tried experimenting again with my husband who has gotten into Microdosing. We thought it would be interesting to take a recreational dose. He had an awesome time with lots of visuals and motion. For me, nothing. I could make the grass or a picture on the wall get "movement" but nothing like what he was experiencing. Decided to try again, this time with my sister and husband. I took a double dose this time just to make sure I would feel something. Nope, nothing. I have tried up to 10g at a time with nothing (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, DONE BY A PROFESSIONAL). I have never heard of anyone else having this kind of experience until I joined this group. There have been several people indicate they have similar experiences including one who even called out that they don't feel anything more than a minor wavey feeling.
Now I think it is probably for the same reason we don't have a "minds eye". Some synapses somewhere are not sparking normally. I do believe for some Aphants, this does actually lead to some visual or other sensory experiences they have not had before. But for some of us, we don't have the ability to "Trip". This is probably the only thing I have found that I don't like about Aphantasia. I have been able to put a positive spin on most of what I have found, but I do wish I could experience that feeling others have while taking a "Trip".
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? – This is a question that I have had to answer many times in my career, it is one of the favorite questions asked during an interview. I’ve never been good at answering that question. Others would provide great details on where they see themselves going, but I have never had the ability to look that far ahead. I don’t see myself anywhere specifically, I tend to follow the opportunities that come my way.
In conclusion (yes finally almost done) I've gone 57 years telling myself I can improve my memory, "I'll remember that if I really think hard" but I never do. Or I try to make sure I am "Present" so I can remember, nope, doesn’t help either. Now that I have an answer that explains my brain is acting differently than most people, I don't kid myself anymore. I'm just not going to remember and that's OK, that's how my brain works and part of who I am. There is nothing I can do about it, no more wasted time working on my memory!!
I can honestly say I am grateful to learn about this memory process and for the ability to move on from difficult situations. There are many more things I could get into, but that would be an even bigger book. My sister can get stuck on something that is difficult for her to get past, the images of bad things “haunt” her. For me, as soon as the actual event is over, it may take a few days depending on the severity, it is buried and does not "pop in" and bring me back. If only I had known this when I was younger, I can only imagine what I could have accomplished! I imagine my self-doubt/hate could have been less with this information as well as the therapist bills that could have been saved. This is such important knowledge, I am so happy to see research being done!! I only hope the information continues to spread so more people are aware. I don’t know if all the things above are in direct relation to Aphantasia, but my eyes have been open to these differences.

I met him over the xbox nearly 5 years ago, it’s pretty crazy. We dated for a few months online, and decided it’s better off if we were friends due to long distance (He lives in the USA, i’m from the UK) because he had to stay up late to text me and vice versa!
However, maintained a pretty strong relationship. Until, i got a boyfriend, and he got a girlfriend. I was pretty much the person which cut contact but it was because my boyfriend was pretty mad i had an ex-boyfriend added. Which i get.
(Later after, he breaks up with his GF)
However, i didn’t remove my friend, just had daily streaks and my boyfriend was okay with that.
Until, my birthday! My friend insisted to send me a gift via amazon but i refused because my boyfriend would’ve been fuming about the gesture.
He said, my friend, that it was okay and he’d eventually get me one, one day.
Then, unfortunately, recently, me and my boyfriend got into an argument which put our relationship on hold.
Coincidentally my friend reached out about the gift, he says he saved enough for something small and how i deserve it for being his friend for nearly 5 years. So, i send him a list of my ‘Wish-list’ items and tell him to pick any one as a surprise!
Ranging from £2-£20.
In the meantime, i’ve opened up about mine and my boyfriends situation and he opened up about his. Additionally, talking about me continuously flying out to him and how fast he wants it to happen - i thought it was a bit funny. But in consideration, we’ve been friends for a while.
Eventually, he sends me a screenshot of the parcels (3) sending on the amazon app. And i was angry! ‘’I only said 1.’’ Then he said, ‘’I got 11’’… DUDE.
Out of suspicion i ask what the price was and he said 214 USD. I felt so bad, he works at a burger restaurant! I didn’t expect so much. Soon after, says he’d buy me shoes too!!!
He mentions wanting to make me happy and be the bestest of best people i know, always overthinks if i’m upset and has a pretty built bond with me.
I don’t know why! In a way, i think he likes me. Another side wants to think he’s just a caring friend. I hope he is just being a nice friend, he’s sweet but is not my type an i don’t want to ‘lead him on’ or spend anymore money! Not to mention, i’m in a situationship right now and cannot be loving someone.
He got me; (2) jeans, (1) shirt, (1) shirt bundle, (1) bracelet, (3) stuffed toys, (2) candle packs.
HOW IS THAT 214 DOLLARS.
For context, one of the candles is aromatherapy ‘love sleep candles’ which have ‘sexual’ symbols around the box and RED writing inside which says, ‘French kiss’ and ‘goodnight kisses’. This wasn’t in my Wish list!! is he hinting something?? Am i paranoid.
tl;dr My friend is being a bit too loving.

Hey, hey, fellow survivors! Get ready to ascend to new heights with us! We're a sharp, savvy crew, enjoying some epic PvP and PvE action in the world of ASA! With our daily active admins and moderators, new players can count on friendly assistance whenever needed. Our servers are open to everyone and are cross-platform compatible!
Discord:
Step into our digital campground, where the fire's always crackling, and the stories are as wild as the dinos we tame! Whether you're a seasoned survivor or you're just setting foot on the island for the first time, you'll find a warm welcome waiting for you here in our Discord server!
So pull up a log, grab your s'mores, toss your worries into the bonfire, and join our Discord! 🏕️ 🔥 🦖
​
Maps:
➤ The Island PvP - Wiped: 2/13/24
➤ Scorched Earth PvP - Wiped: 4/1/24
➤ The Island PvE
➤ Scorched Earth PvE
➤ [Coming Soon] The Center - (on the day it's released) [PvP & PvE]
➤ More to come when released!
​
How to join:
➤ From the "JOIN GAME" screen, make sure you're on the "UNOFFICIAL" tab
➤ Check the "SHOW PLAYER SERVERS" checkbox
➤ Search for "ArkGartha"
​
PvP Server Names:
➤ ArkGartha - PvP - TheIsland - 3XP / 5H / 6T / 8B - Wiped: 2/13/24
➤ ArkGartha - PvP - Scorched Earth - 3XP / 5H / 6T / 8B - Wiped: 4/1/24
​
PvE Server Names:
➤ ArkGartha - PvE - TheIsland - 3XP / 3H / 8T / 30B
➤ ArkGartha - PvE - Scorched Earth - 3XP / 3H / 8T / 30B
​
Mods:

PvP	PvE
Super Spyglass Plus	Custom Dino Levels
TG Stacking Mod 1000-50	Automated Ark
PvP Scoreboard	Utilities Plus
Custom Dino Levels	Classic Glider Ascended
QoL+	Pelayori's Cryo Storage
Solo Farm Mod	Death Recovery Mod
Snow Owls	TG Stacking Mod 1000-50
Cliff Platforms	Upgrade Station
Flame Arrows	Super Spyglass Plus
MarniiMods Hairstyles	Auto Doors
	Chainsaw
	Net Projectile
	Arkitect Structures Remastered
	Dino Mindwipe
	Improved Egg Incubator (CrossPlay)
	Shiny! Dinos Ascended
	MarniiMods Hairstyles

​

Hey, hey, fellow survivors! Get ready to ascend to new heights with us! We're a sharp, savvy crew, enjoying some epic PvP and PvE action in the world of ASA! With our daily active admins and moderators, new players can count on friendly assistance whenever needed. Our servers are open to everyone and are cross-platform compatible!
Discord:
Step into our digital campground, where the fire's always crackling, and the stories are as wild as the dinos we tame! Whether you're a seasoned survivor or you're just setting foot on the island for the first time, you'll find a warm welcome waiting for you here in our Discord server!
So pull up a log, grab your s'mores, toss your worries into the bonfire, and join our Discord! 🏕️ 🔥 🦖
​
Maps:
➤ The Island PvP - Wiped: 2/13/24
➤ Scorched Earth PvP - Wiped: 4/1/24
➤ The Island PvE
➤ Scorched Earth PvE
➤ [Coming Soon] The Center - (on the day it's released) [PvP & PvE]
➤ More to come when released!
​
How to join:
➤ From the "JOIN GAME" screen, make sure you're on the "UNOFFICIAL" tab
➤ Check the "SHOW PLAYER SERVERS" checkbox
➤ Search for "ArkGartha"
​
PvP Server Names:
➤ ArkGartha - PvP - TheIsland - 3XP / 5H / 6T / 8B - Wiped: 2/13/24
➤ ArkGartha - PvP - Scorched Earth - 3XP / 5H / 6T / 8B - Wiped: 4/1/24
​
PvE Server Names:
➤ ArkGartha - PvE - TheIsland - 3XP / 3H / 8T / 30B
➤ ArkGartha - PvE - Scorched Earth - 3XP / 3H / 8T / 30B
​
Mods:

PvP	PvE
Super Spyglass Plus	Custom Dino Levels
TG Stacking Mod 1000-50	Automated Ark
PvP Scoreboard	Utilities Plus
Custom Dino Levels	Classic Glider Ascended
QoL+	Pelayori's Cryo Storage
Solo Farm Mod	Death Recovery Mod
Snow Owls	TG Stacking Mod 1000-50
Cliff Platforms	Upgrade Station
Flame Arrows	Super Spyglass Plus
MarniiMods Hairstyles	Auto Doors
	Chainsaw
	Net Projectile
	Arkitect Structures Remastered
	Dino Mindwipe
	Improved Egg Incubator (CrossPlay)
	Shiny! Dinos Ascended
	MarniiMods Hairstyles

​

It really does seem harder to make friends as you get older. I haven't really been too successful in that department and it only dawned on me after recently losing someone I was close with. Anyways, I could really use a friend or just someone I can talk to on a semi/regular basis. I use Discord if that helps.
A few interests of mine include some light gaming, anime as well as manga, cooking (learning how to). I'm basically a homebody for the most part. Points if you're a night owl too. Hope to hear from someone soon

It really does seem harder to make friends as you get older. I haven't really been too successful in that department and it only dawned on me after recently losing someone I was close with. Anyways, I could really use a friend or just someone I can talk to on a semi/regular basis. I use Discord if that helps.
A few interests of mine include some light gaming, anime as well as manga, cooking (learning how to). I'm basically a homebody for the most part. Points if you're a night owl too. Hope to hear from someone soon

It really does seem harder to make friends as you get older. I haven't really been too successful in that department and it only dawned on me after recently losing someone I was close with. Anyways, I could really use a friend or just someone I can talk to on a semi/regular basis. I use Discord if that helps.
A few interests of mine include some light gaming, anime as well as manga, cooking (learning how to). I'm basically a homebody for the most part. Points if you're a night owl too. Hope to hear from someone soon

A couple of years ago I tried writing my own version of Stones Abbigale. I never got past the first couple scenes, but I'm considering returning to it. I wanted to basically rewrite and change up a lot of things, mainly focusing on Abbi and Davis and changing some elements. Let me know what you think!

1
It's almost four in the morning and Seth is threatening suicide again. Good. Fuck him. I hope he does it. I don't text him that because I read about this girl who told her boyfriend to kill himself. The irony was that when he actually did it she got charged with second degree murder. My life is fucked as it is I don't need to make it worse. I’m shivering under my comforter because we’re halfway through November. I think about the turkey that won't get made this year and the family I won't see. I think that's swell. Seth is still texting.
Its like u dont even care after everything that happened and after everything we did together i saved ur life and i stayed with u when u cried and i hugged u and i did everything for u but that wasn't enough was it? i try so hard and all u ever are is a bitch to me that's not fair u want me to die and u hate me and u dont even care and im sick of it abbi why is is so hard for u to care about me?
I don't respond. I don't like how I feel about this. This should be easy. He won't actually do it. He won't. He’s too self involved to kill himself. I put my phone face down on my bed. The sheets shake around it as he sends message after message. I was sleeping on a ticking bomb so I got off of it. My feet stick to the floor, I struggle to step. I might as well have been standing barefoot on ice. I trudge to my window so I can see my street at night. Winter is really coming. You can't hear as many birds as you used to. They've all gone. They've all flown away. I can see three streetlights from where I’m standing. If you can from right to left you can see the concrete fracture into the sand. I open my window and brace for the chill. I stick my head outside. The ocean is not far away. I hear it hitting the shore over and over. Waves of water splashing incessantly, almost beating out my text notifications. The street lights flicker. I think of last summer. When Seth and I got really high after the news broke that my Mom was cheating on my Dad. I was making out with that bong. Emptying bowl after bowl, clanking the glass on the road to empty it out. Just thinking about it makes me feel the street pole against my back again. I was laughing and crying. Seth leaned in and hugged me. “I’m a sure thing,” he said. “I love you and I always will.” I caught my reflection in his sunglasses. I looked awful. I shiver at the memory. My phone is still buzzing. I try to catch my breath. I shut my window and start to walk back to my bed. A room always looks different in the dark. Maybe you think you know where you are, but there is always something that can jump out at you on the floor. Like a ghostly paper bag or a vengeful shoe. Objects that seem to move on their own with the sole drive of tripping you. I crawl back into bed. There's the phantom of Dad’s snoring . I know he's not sleeping in his room, he fell asleep on the couch after finishing his seventh fifth. Sometimes my brain fills in the gaps so I can hear it everywhere. Funnily, I haven't actually heard him snore since Mom left. That's the one thing I ever heard them fight about. Before she turned out to be a whore, I guess. BZZT.BZZT.BZZT. I can't bring myself to read any of his messages. They're coming so fast all the paragraphs are lost to motion blur. Seth’s arms wrap around me and I think about the beating of his heart and the warmth of his lips against my skin. I open up the texts, ready to respond.
I love you
I text this over and over until I fall asleep.
Davis was the only senior on the bus. Somehow, everyone else had a car or a ride. It’s all right, though. James would probably give him one if he had a car, but he skated to school every morning. That's why he barely ever rode the bus with him. The bus thumped along the under paved roads. Davis forgot his earbuds at home, so the only music that accompanied him was his racing thoughts. Two sophomore girls popped their heads over. “Ohmigod, Davis!” One of them shrieked.. “As I live and breathe,” he smiled. “Nice,” she said. “I’m so excited to see your finished painting.” Davis took the lower level art class for a requirement. Like most things, he's not taking it very seriously. For their pop art unit, he's painting a portrait of the art teacher with a warthog face. It's one of his funny disruptions. He knows Mrs. Stanley is going to have a real field day with it, but it doesn't matter. Artistic liberties, he’d profess. “She's such a bitch, isn't she?” The sophomore girl turns to her compatriot, who only nods in response. “She's just jealous,” Davis says. “It must be depressing to teach art and see the youth soar above her.” “For sure,” the girl doesn't get it. Class clown is a semi-heavy burden. Davis doesn't really feel like talking to these girls, but his position demands it. Comedy informs everything about him. To the giant thrift store jeans, to the loud Hawaiian shirt. He and James are the ultimate combination, at least he likes to think so. Quiet brooding begs for bright distraction. The girl is still trying to talk to him and Davis is saying his preprogrammed lines. The bus stops in front of James’s street. Surprisingly, James is standing there. “Like I’m this close to just filling my hydroflask with vodka, yaknow?” says the chick. Maybe she's just trying to get a rise out of him. “Better be prepared to give me more than a sip,” Davis is watching James grumble towards the bus. The sun is beating down on the forming ice puddles. James stomps through them with small shattering steps. James turns up the bus aisle and plops in the seat next to Davis. Davis’s smile is genuine now, but he fights it from getting too wide. “Crash your vehicle?” Davis asks. “Something like it,” there's something off with him. Davis doesn't want to push it. “Well damn, hope insurance covers it,” Davis wants James to break and laugh. Is it just another mood or did something actually happen this time? “It won't, I got bad credit,” James grins and it's like heaven. “What's the move for you today?” “Surviving art and physics for me,” says Davis. “Those bastards love to keep me down.” “Who doesn't,” James eyes the girls who have since returned to whatever they were doing before. It's the judgement stare, as Davis calls it. James likes to observe his peers like a zoo-goer. Breaking them down to taxonomic types. Davis likes to think that James doesn't do this to him, but he knows he probably does. “It sucks you decided to be bad at school and take baby art,” James is still dissecting the sophomore girls down to their tropes. “We could have done Art II together.” “I wouldn't want to get between you and Alex. I know how you love it when people piss in jars next to you.” “That's disgusting,” James breaks his glare at the girls. “It's performance art, it's beautiful,” Davis gets up out of his seat to yell. “Everyone witness the wonderful work of Alex Madov! Disengage yourself from the shackles of capitalism by shouting with me: Poopy, pee pee, poop!” Davis gets a few chuckles from the other kids on the bus. “Sit down, fatso,” mumbles the bus driver. “I will not be silenced! I’m a messenger of the good word, sir!” “More of this shit and I’m skipping your stop!” “Fine, but I will make Alex remember on the day of judgement,” Davis sits back down. James is full belly laughing. “You're so retarded,” James wheezes. Davis can't even come back with a response. He's high off of it.
The bus pulls into the school lot with a short stop. The mobs get up and begin to race out. Davis follows James down the line. “You know Abbi?” James asks. Davis feels a little pit form in his stomach, but he doesn't change his expression. “Vaguely, what about her?” “She's in my art class,” James begins. “And I think … well you know, I’m going to talk to her.” He walks down the steps and out the door. “Doesn't she have a boyfr-” before Davis can descend the driver's arm blocks him. “I’ve had enough of your shit, kid,” he says. “If you keep being obnoxious, I’m gonna find a way to make you pay for it.” James looks back, but he can't stay. Davis knows that he's gotta get to class. James does a little wave goodbye and Davis salutes him. “Are you even listening to me?” the bus driver seethes. “Yes, sir. Divine retribution, got it.” Davis ducks underneath his arm and exits the bus. James has already disappeared into the crowd.
I pass the bong to Ashley. She starts another bowl. She’s the transport and I provide the material. The little things that keep our friendship afloat. I look at the clock in her car. “It's 8:45,” I pick a piece of bagel out of my teeth. “So that's it, we officially missed first period,” Ashley tops it off. “They won't mark us, you know. It's a study.” “Yeah, but when's the last time we signed in? I heard they're changing the policy again. Do you still have the lighter?” I toss it to her. I don't get it. It's always her idea to pick me up so we can smoke before school, why now is she suddenly caring about attendance? “We're pretty girls, we can get out of it. I’m next,” I tap on the clock. “Are you sure it's not fast?” She shakes her head as she takes a snap. We're parked in the pond area a block or two from the school. It's our designated smoking spot. I like it, even at the end of fall it's pretty. I’m so engrossed that I don't realize her tip out the bowl and put it back in the cup holder. “I don't know if it's wise to keep up the activity, we should probably get going soon,” she starts up her car again. “Okay,” I say. She reverses and swings out of the lot. We lean into the silence and it's super weird. “Seth texted me last night,” I wait for her reaction. “Oh,” she grimaces. “What did you say?” “That I loved him.” Silence again. Ashley's trying to put together something well-meaning while understanding that I’ll probably ignore whatever she has to say. “Abbi, I’m not trying to tell you how to run your life, but …” Her expression is now quizzical. She's said what she is about to say a number of different ways all ready. She thinks and thinks and decides to say nothing. Good call, I would have screamed at her. Not because what she thinks about my situation isn't true, I’m just in a ‘screaming at people mood’ because of it. “I’m going to dye my hair again,” she changes the subject to avoid conflict. Classic Ash. “Oh yeah? What color this time?” “I don't know,” she checks her reflection in the rear view. “The red has faded out, maybe blue or pink this time.” “You should go with a softer pink,” I say. “Since you're a soft spring.” “Yeah, maybe.” We enter the school lot. “Listen, do you want to get together when I do it? Maybe you can dye your hair too.” “I don't know, I might be busy,” I say. “Seth might want to do something,” I pause for her to protest. “Okay,” she says. She parks and we get out.
I barrel into art class. I don't care if I reek, out of all the teachers I can tell Mrs. Stanley smokes the most. It would be hypocritical of her to care. It looks like I’m the first one. Weird. I check my phone. It's 8:45. Well, fuck. Looks like Ashley needs to fix her clock. Mrs. Stanley is at her desk. She looks at me knowingly. “Eager to create today, Abbi?” I just nod and sit at my desk. I’m really feeling it. I open up my precalc notebook and just start sketching. Birds, eyes, trees, whatever. Kids start coming in. Their chatter echoes around me, I try to focus on what I’m doing. Someone bumps into my table. I look up. It's this lanky blonde kid, I think his name is James. He presses his hands underneath the desk as he leans up to talk to me. “Eww!” He shouts. Some kids turn and laugh. I don't. I just stare at him. James goes red and sits next to the kid who pissed in a jar. Once an adequate amount of students are in the room, Mrs. Stanley starts her lesson slideshow. On the screen is a dirty urinal. “How many of you are familiar with this work by Marcel DuChamp?” she asks. At this point, Jason, the designated meathead jock, enters the room. “Sorry I’m late, Mrs. S,” he booms. He looks at the slide. “We building bathrooms today?” Mrs. Stanley glares at him. “Wouldn't you like that? Considering you spend all of your time in there.” “Whatever,” Jason brushes his mullet behind his ears. “No, not whatever. Would you like me to move you into the sophomore class with Davis? Believe it or not he's getting much better marks than you are getting in here.” Jason rolls his eyes and takes his place in the chair next to me. “Up to a little extra curricular activities before art, Abbi?” he motions a joint in his fingers. I scoff and go on my phone. There's another text from Seth.
sorry about last night
and
im reading it all right now that was fucked im sorry
I start to respond, but before I can Mrs. Stanley outstretches her hand. “Give me your phone, Miss Hagerty. I’m sick of giving you warnings.” I don't have the energy to fight, I just give it to her. “You can pick it up at the end of the day.” My jaw actually drops. Jason must have really set her off, she's not usually such a cunt to me. “Anyways, found art. What is it? Well, found art is the use of everyday objects to convey an altered meaning. It can be something you find on the street or something that once held value to you. For example, My Bed by Tracey Elim.” She pulls up a picture of a messy bed that looks suspiciously like my own. “So for your final unit of the semester, you will be making your own found art. I really want you to take this project a little more seriously than most of you have been taking this class. I’m giving you the privilege of picking your own partners, but I’d like to remind you to be thoughtful with your choice. This will be worth more for your grade.” I look around. I don't have any friends here. I toy around with the idea of asking Jason for convenience and he looks like he's about to pull that move. Behind me there's that James guy. He’s sheepishly looking at me. He seems kind of nice. Okay. I don't feel like getting up so I just turn around in my chair. “Hey James, wanna be partners?” He balks a bit and then smiles at me. “Yeah, totally,” He's beaming and it's somewhat endearing. Alex and I switch seats and now I’m next to him. “I’m gonna be real with you …” I begin. He stops and shifts a little. “I have no idea what we're supposed to be doing for this.” He regards me oddly. Like he's trying to piece me together. It doesn't bother me. “She said we have to bring in an object that's special to us and present it artistically basically,” he rubs his chin. Damn, I must be baked to hell. I didn't hear her saying that at all. “So got any stuffed animals we can cut up and make Lovecraftian monstrosities out of?” “I got a hamster cage, hold the hamster,” I say. It comes out kind of weird and I probably sound stupid, but he doesn't seem to care. “Let's make a fucking zoo.” “Perfect!” He’s kind of cute actually. In a way. Something about this feels fun. I realize the bell will ring soon. “So um,” I rip out a page of my precalc notebook, still fresh with my drawings. I scrawl out my number and push it to him. “Call me so we can figure out the project some more.” I pack up all my stuff and start to head out. I can feel him watching me and it's not that bad. “I sure will,” he says. Everything feels really groovy. There's a lightness now. I’m halfway out the door when I remember my phone. I can't believe that I just forgot about Seth. I think about begging for my phone, but I feel too above that. Still, something shakes the good feeling as the bell rings.