I’m extremely upset about my situation for the last five months. I have lost the ability to fall asleep. My head is always wired, I am stuck in hyperarousal. I used to sleep so well, now I am constantly awake. I don’t feel drowsy or tired anymore or get that nodding off feeling. It’s like I am running on adrenaline 24/7 & it wont stop. I was sleeping fine prior to this, but this is killing me. Everything in my body hurts SO bad, everyday is so painful I am unable to deal/ carry out the most basic activities. It feels like I am completely debilitated. My body aches & burns all over, my head & eyes are so painful. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. There have been a couple of times in that 5 months where I have entered a quick dream/nightmare phase which has lasted no more than minutes. I literally do not get any sleep. My cognitive function is seriously impaired, I am only 30 & have my whole life to live. What will happen to me? Anyone have any suggestions where I can get help? The doctors don’t have any answers for me. Thank you.

A fanfiction of The Nature of Predators by SpacePaladin15 https://www.reddit.com/HFY/comments/u19xpa/the_nature_of_predators/
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Memory Transcription Subject: Slanek, Venlil Space Corps
Date [standardized Earth time]: August 21, 2136
Walking into the lab, we were welcomed by a Pokemon that looked oddly familiar to me, a pink creature with predatory eyes and small wings that looked completely vestigial. It wasn’t until I saw the Human inspecting a large screen embedded in the wall that I recognised them. Lilith and Sara, who were among the first Terrans to have visited Venlil Prime. Lilith, whose species was the ‘Clefable’ if I remember correctly, gestured for the three of us to come further into the lab.
“Hello there, thank you for coming so soon after settling in! It seems a lot of Venlil are quite excited to do the Infinity Energy tests.”
I give a slightly nervous ear flick in response.
“I uh, really just wanted to get this over and done with.”
“Right, well in that case you’ll be glad to know that this takes no time at all. It’ll be over before you know it, and you’ll have your exchange partners beside you through the whole process.”
I look up at Marcel and Felix, who both give me further reassuring glances. Marcel seems a little nervous though, awkwardly standing just in front of the door and obviously having no idea what he should be doing. As the Clefable leads me over to a chair and gestures for me to take a seat, she passes over a piece of paper and a pen.
“This is the consent form, please read it out completely and carefully before writing your basic information and signature.”
Lilith then bounds away to converse with Sara, who is still looking at the large screen teeming with strange writing and graphs. As I read through the consent form, I only grow more worried.
‘Permanent Infinity Energy infusion.’
‘Monitored for remainder of Space Corps service.’
‘Possibility of previously unknown side effects.’
I look over to Marcel and Felix, beckoning them over with a wave of my tail. Marcel kneels down beside the chair, bringing the three of us to roughly eye level as Felix rests on his shoulder.
“Sorry, but can you two just… stay close? This seems a bit more intense than I was expecting.”
Felix nods furiously, followed by Marcel giving a small, closed mouth smile.
“Of course, we’ll be right here.”
“After this is over, we can all get some food from the cafeteria. A nice salad or something, alright?”
The Human’s suggestion sounds nice, and my tail sways in agreement. I sign the form after reading through it a second time, and Lilith soon comes over to collect it. As she does so, I see Sara walking over with some wires and wool clips. She places them on a nearby table before turning to finally address me.
“Hello Mr Slanek, sorry for the wait. It’s just, the data we’ve gathered so far from the other Venlil is beyond fascinating. It's an amazing opportunity to investigate how life not native to Earth reacts with Infinity Energy and uh… you probably don’t care, sorry.”
With a lightly red hue showing in her cheeks, she grabs the wires and clips, and gets started on attaching them to various points on my body. From my knees to my paws, snout, ears, stomach, chest, tail… almost everywhere, really. This all only makes my nerves grow even more.
“Now, just as a warning, this will probably hurt a bit. It’s only for a moment though, and it just means that everything is working.”
As Sara attaches the last clip to the wool on my back, she walks back over to large screen on the opposite wall, which I am surprised to find now displays a wireframe model of myself. I notice my paws are beginning to shake slightly, and I turn towards my exchange partners, hoping to find solace. Not so long ago, I would never have even fathomed the idea of looking to predators for comfort, but now…
I reach out a shaking paw towards them. After hesitating for a moment, a look of surprise coming over his face, Marcel reaches out and takes hold of it. Felix scurries down the Human’s arm and places his own small paw on top of mine as Marcel gives it a gentle squeeze.
Turning back to the rest of the lab, Sara is swiping her hand to rotate the wireframe model of my body, while Lilith is retrieving something from a large, formerly locked box nearby. She pulls out a small yellow crystal, and walks back over to me. Sara sidles up beside her partner, and double checks the wire clips one last time as the Clefable holds out the crystal to me.
“This is a revive, which will inject Infinity Energy directly into you. Make sure you hold onto it tight, ok?”
I take a deep breath, giving Marcel’s hand and Felix’s paw a gentle squeeze as I do so.
“Understood.”
I reach out with my other paw, and grab onto the revive. For a moment, nothing happens, but then the revive begins to glow. I shut my eyes tight against the blinding light, and tighten my grip on the crystal. A strange sensation, like waves of pressure, emanate from where the revive touches my paw. Through my arm, across my chest, up my neck and down my navel un-
“BRAKH!”
I cry out as pain suddenly engulfs my snout and legs. A loud beeping noise comes from the clips attached to them, which I silently pray means that everything is working as it should. It feels like my legs are trying to rip themselves apart at the knees, and I understand instantly why I’m sat down for this. My snout too lights up, as if on fire without the heat, forcing me to grit my teeth until my jaw starts hurting as well from the preassure alone. I tighten my grip on both the revive and my partners. I feel weight shifting, and Felix’s paw disappears. Not a moment later, something warm and fuzzy jumps up onto the chair beside me, reaching up to rest a paw on my shoulder.
“It’s alright, we’re right here.”
I go to wrap my tail around him, only to find something strange. My tail has gone numb. The mixture of sensations, from numbness to pain, continues for a little while. As the revive breaks down into grey dust, I can finally open my eyes and unclench my teeth. Steadily, the searing pain fades, leaving my tail numb and my snout and legs sore. I breathe deeply again, and I turn my attention to Felix and Marcel. I retrieve my paw from Marcel’s grip and Felix hops back down from the chair. The Human reaches over to lightly pat me on the back.
“There we go, all over now. You did great, Slanek.”
“Th-thanks.”
Lilith comes over and begins detaching the clips from my wool, while Sara is already tapping away at the screen, the wireframe model of my body now looking very different than it was before. The majority of it is now coloured a stark white, although notably my snout and legs are a dimmer shade of muted grey. The only splash of actual colour is in my tail, the entire limb a vivid purple, most intense at the tip. After inspecting it for a moment, Sara turns back around to address me.
“Thank you for coming, Mr Slanek. The full results of this test will be sent to your holopad shortly, but I’ll give you the most important information now.”
Sara taps the screen a few times, and labels written in Venscript appear as a key for the colours.
White – Mixed
Violet – Poison
Grey – Unknown
“Your results are consistent with what we’ve seen in all the other Venlil that have been tested so far. Most of your body contain a mixture of all Types of IE, similar to Humans. Different Venlil seem to have the Poison IE concentrate in different areas of the body, I’ve seen it in arms, abdomen, throat, wool and elsewhere. For you it’s in the tail, which so far seems fairly common. The grey zones are the most interesting, as they’re in the same areas for each and every Venlil; the snout and legs. Combine that with how this energy isn’t quite Normal but also not Typeless, not to mention it’s almost complete lack of reactivity to external or internal stimuli… it will certainly be an area of research I'll happily dive into soon.”
As Sara explains the results of the test, Marcel helps me to stand up again. At first, I’m a little unsteady as my legs still feel slightly odd, but leaning on his arm helps. The numb feeling in my tail slowly fades, and I experimentally shake it back and forth a few times. There is… Poison in it? It doesn’t feel any different, at least at the moment. After Lilith and Sara once again thank me for my cooperation, the three of us are ushered out of the lab, left standing together in the hallway as another mini herd files in after us. I turn to look up at my companions, a slight bloom making its way onto my face.
“Hey, uh, sorry for what happened in there. To predators it’s probably a show of weakness to need someone sticking nearby but-”
“Okay, we’re nipping that ‘weakness’ shit in the bud right now.”
Felix’s surprising angry voice catches me off guard, and for a second I’m worried that I said something to make him mad. I realise that, in a way, I had… but not for the reason I thought.
“Needing a friend ain’t weakness, Slanek. Just look at Marc and I!”
Marcel smiles at the Buizel, before turning his gaze back down at me. His predatory gaze seems stern, and yet somehow friendly, despite that being essentially oxymoronic.
“Slanek, if I’ve learned anything from my time in the military, it’s that ‘weak’ and ‘strong’ are meaningless words in isolation. People can only reach their full potential when they have others lifting them up, whether they be a Human or Pokemon. I doubt Venlil are any different.”
Something flashes through my mind, a memory that Marcel's words invoked. Of course. One of the first pieces of Terran media I saw after First Contact; 'The Power of Us'. Felix nods along excitedly, jumping down from the Human's shoulder to be a bit closer to my level.
“Never call yourself weak again, alright? Marcel and I were already growing stronger with just the two of us, but now we have a brand-new friend? The three of us together will be unstoppable!”
Marcel snickers slightly.
“Not really the angle I was going for, but sure. Anyway, that packet of chips wasn't nearly enough. Like I said earlier, let’s go grab something from the cafeteria, alright?”
Seemingly immediately forgetting the previous topic, Felix’s eyes light up and his tails whir into action.
“Oh! I hope they have Wacan berries!”
As Felix rapidly ascends back up onto Marcel’s shoulder, my own tail begins to sway back and forth again. The predators’ kind words lifted my spirits and cast aside the embarrassment I had felt, spurring me to happily step forwards and follow the Human’s lead towards the station’s cafeteria.
As we made our way through the halls, I paid more attention to the various pairs and trios we passed. The Venlil all ranged from bubbling with excitement, a spring in their step as they walked joyfully beside their partners, to barely containing their fear, shaking slightly as they stuck close to the walls and avoided looking at most of the more predatory looking Pokemon. I wasn’t at either extreme, though I was leaning towards the former. I strode beside Marcel with contentment, mentally thanking my past self for signing up for the program. I was nervous to meet them at first, but it took almost no time at all for me to recognise the friends I had already been speaking to over text for whole herds of paws at this point.
When we reached the cafeteria, the place was already alive with many Terrans and Venlil. Some sat just with their exchange partners, while others gathered into larger herds, with the countless conversations happening between them melding together with the clinking of cutlery. Even out here on this station, with by far the strangest creatures in the Universe, the sound of people enjoying each other’s company was oh so familiar.
The three of us collected our meals and decided just to sit by ourselves, eventually finding a spot near a rather short Venlil sitting with a large, purple serpentine Pokemon that was presumably their partner. As Marcel and I set our meals down on the table, Felix quickly grabs a pastry from Marcel’s tray.
“I call dibs on the Wacan muffin!”
Marcel has selected some sort of soup for himself, while I chose a simple bunt leaf salad, although my serving seemed to have some sort of fruit in it that I didn’t recognise. I prodded the yellow chunks around, trying to determine if I had gotten some underripe juicefruit or something, catching Marcel’s attention.
“That’s Shuca berry. Not really my thing, but it’s decently popular.”
“Oh, it’s an Earth fruit?”
“Yep, looks like the kitchen’s experimenting with mixing cuisines. This soup is… surprisingly spicy.”
Looking up at the Human, I find that his face has turned a slight reddish hue, the flush no doubt signifying that he was struggling. A quick peek at the contents of his meal provides an answer, making me whistle slightly in laughter.
“Ah, that would be firefruit. Fitting name, isn’t it?”
“Fuck, you can say that again.”
As I watch my Human partner gulp down his glass of water, I pick up a few bunt leaves along with a small chunk of the Shuca berry and pop them in my mouth. The yellow fruit goes well with the bunt leaves, providing a mild but nice sweetness with the slightest kick of spice. Though, obviously not nearly as much as Marcel’s firefruit. The Human soon excuses himself to refill his water, Felix throwing a teasing quip his way between bites of the muffin.
“Fire Type doesn’t suit you, Marc!”
While trying to stifle my laughter at my friend’s misfortune, a slightly alarmed, raspy voice coming from my right catches my attention.
“Ssssevik, are you alright?”
Turning to my right, I find the large serpent Pokemon sitting nearby looking at her Venlil partner with concern. He is holding a paw over his stomach and groaning slightly.
“Y-yeah Arbok, I’m fi-fi -hurk-”
He gives a horrible sound somewhere between a burp and a retch, grabbing the attention of a few other people around us.
“Wassss it the berriesss?”
“N-no it’s -hurk- I think is the Pois- -hurk-“
Thinking quickly, one of the nearby Humans passes the Venlil a plastic bag. He accepts it and tries to thank them, only for his attempt to be interrupted by more retching. Just as he seems to lose control of his meal completely, he cries out.
“Gastro Acid!”
Instead of the typically yellowy green, the Venlil expels a thick, deep purple fluid into the bag. After a single powerful heave, the Venlil looks back up, seemingly slightly dizzy. A moment later, a sizzling sound can be heard coming from the bag, the bottom of which soon breaks. The acidic substance spills onto the floor, having corroded through the plastic like it was nothing. For a while, nobody makes a sound, nor barely moves. Venlil, Human and Pokemon alike in our little section of the cafeteria are all staring at the poor little Venlil who in turn has his eyes glued onto the now useless plastic bag. As for the purple acid, it soon fizzles away into nothing, leaving the floor spotless with no evidence that it ever existed.
The sound of approaching footsteps makes me turn around with a slight jump, finding Marcel returning with a new glass of water. His eyes dart first to the silent crowd, then to the small Venlil, then finally to me and Felix.
“Uh, did I miss something?”
Previous Prologue Next
~~~~~~~

NoPokedex

Humans - Typeless
Gojid - Steel/Rock

• Sovlin: Metal Claw & Rollout

Venlil - Normal /Poison

• Kam: ??? & Poison Jab
• Slanek: ??? & ???

Arxur - Dragon/???

• Isif: Dragon Pulse & ???

Tilfish - Bug/Dark
Zurulian - ???/???
Farsul - ???/???
Kolshian - ???/???
Yotul - ???/???
Mazic - ???/???
Dossur - ???/???
Sivkit - ???/???
Krakotl - Flying/???
Harchen - ???/???
Duertan - Flying/???
Thafki - Wate???
Sulean - ???/???
Iftali - ???/???
Drezjin - Flying/???
Jaur - ???/???
Letian - ???/???
Leshee - ???/???
Yulpa - ???/???

I'm putting fake names... (A lot of the timelines are spread out but they talk about those specific moments, I hope they make since)
I have a friend, I'll call her J. I have known J for almost 9 years. She and I grew up pretty close and we were inseparable. Over the first few years of our friendship she had lost my parents trust from an incident involving a boy, she wasn't allowed to stay over for sleepovers and I practically lost my whole summer that year. I was pretty angry at my parents and blamed things on them. I regret my actions and I did learn but in my mind I thought J was the only person who understood me.
After the whole incident settled down. School started up again and she would jokingly push me into a boy or a locker. She started putting her arm around my neck, trying to choke me. She would continuously punch me or smack me on the head. I honestly got annoyed by it but I acted like it was nothing. She had suddenly became obsessed with TikTok and she posted a whole TikTok about her friends, their was a video of me that stood out. I wasn't wearing a shirt. Which completely made me uncomfortable because I wasn't wearing a shirt and she took the video while I was changing. She didn't take it down. She also would post photos without my consent. Like ones that made me feel ugly or disgusting. And I would tell her how they made me feel. But she would still post them. I started telling her no when she asked for photos and she always would sneak one when I wasn't looking. She doesn't take no for an answer. She will start whining when you don't listen. I used to trust her with my feelings and I would tell her about everything. And now I feel like she knows too much.
This past school year all of my friends (king, J, Joe, Bell) and I went to SDYC. And well when we went J was lying a bunch and starting a bunch of drama and it threw all of my friends off. We all didn't trust J and Joe that well during that time. I felt like the only people I had was my friends King and Bell. Because they both understood how I felt.
After that. King, J, and I had a sleepover. During the middle of the night I was watching a movie and J began to bug me. She started pushing on me saying I was taking up too much room. But honestly I was the one who was sleeping in between two couches there's no way I was taking that much space because I was falling in the crack. She then proceeded to call me a fat roll. I said "no your a fat roll" jokingly. And then she freaks out and she went to tell her boyfriend. It annoyed me because all her boyfriend knows how to do is talk bad. After that sleepover. She started working at the same place as me and I told her about my big crush on this coworker of ours. And so then she decided to start flirting with him in front of me. She would throw something at him jokingly and giggle. I didn't try to think anything of it. But then when we were talking about him the next thing she decided to say was, "your just jealous because he talks to me and not you". The thing is I don't want to talk to him that's why I don't try to talk to him. He has talked to me before, but I rather admire him from afar. He's like 13 years older than me. He was just hot to me at the time.
I'll just say I am lighter than a 5'6 girl. I might have a little bit of belly fat but that's just my body. And I do have an eating disorder. I don't eat enough, I practically starve myself. J honestly made me feel worse and I started having moments where I would basically pass out from no iron in my body. J continued to body shame me even from the amount of food I would eat. She straight up made is feel like she was calling me ugly and fat. It hurt and it made me angry. I told my dad and he said she's just jealous and not to worry about it. I brushed it off but she basically would say something everyday. It got to a point where I was crying all the time.
During my last year of highschool J didn't have a vehicle. So she would ask me to drive her places. I didn't mind because we would be going to the same places. And I started offering to pay for her drink or something. I didn't think much of it in tell I was always taking her places and buying her drinks but she still wanted me to pay her back for stuff when I didn't have much money. She managed to buy a vehicle for a small price by saving up the money she didn't spend. I feel stupid for offering. One day her mom even texted me asking for the small money I "owed" J. But my parents think I don't owe her anything because I have given her most of my money and that she owes me money.
J also does this thing where if you don't give her your attention she'll keep tapping you. Over and over again. Everytime she asks for my attention it's always for something so pointless and stupid. Nothing serious. And everytime I ask for her attention she'll ignore me. She does it a lot. She only wants to have the attention. I stopped telling her about how I feel because all I know is she'll either use it against me or not actually listen and move past it. Like once she asked me how I felt and when I told her that I cried about something she moved on from it into her talking about her crying over some movie she watched.
The way she treated me made me so angry that I texted her boyfriend anonymously asking him to control his girlfriend and get her to be nicer to others. He didn't like the message and told his girl on the spot and J tried to call my fake number. I didn't answer and then she ran to me to tell me the tea. She later assumed it was a boy she was flirting with that she pushed away.
I hate her boyfriend but he deserves better.. because she has talked to another boy behind his back. When I started liking this one boy. I told her about it and then she began to tell me how she met this UK boy and she thinks he's all that. She later found out he was lying about his age and she got back to reality before she lost her in person boyfriend.
She told king I was flirting with this one dude but I wasn't. J told me to add this guy she found on Facebook on snap, I said okay and I called the dude a nickname like a Grandma would call their grandchildren. And I thought it was funny and the guy thought it was chill. I didn't think anything of it and then I blocked him because I didn't want to talk to him. She then decided to add the guy on snap. And she starts talking to him. The amount of times she has lied is crazy. I blocked him but she still has him on snap. For what reason I don't know.
J and Joe and I have recently had a lot of problems with each other. It's always J and Joe fighting and I'm between listening to them both argue about each other. I was getting tired of it. J hit my breaking point when she decided to ask me for my boyfriends sisters snap. You don't just ask your friend for her boyfriends sisters snap. That's weird. She also asked for my boyfriends and she looked him up when I told her no and she added a bunch of dudes with the same name. She didn't find him but there is no way I want her knowing him or his sister. I have too many trust issues with her. She's the main reason why a lot of my relationships didn't work out. They didn't like her and she manipulated me into saying things that upset them. She makes me so uncomfortable. She made me seem lesbian once when I know I'm not. But she made a TikTok about it and a lot of people from my school saw it. I don't like false accusations. I'm pretty sure she used it for clout. But also my parents think she's inlove with me because she can never leave me alone and she always HAS to hold hands or hug.
J doesn't understand a lot of things. And she calls me stupid. I honestly want karma to come get her but that's bad and I don't mean to say that. It hurts a lot.
I had blocked J on everything. But since I worked with J I saw her and she started bawling her eyes out at me saying she did nothing, I felt bad but I was annoyed because she kept bugging me. So I unblocked her. I decided to block her again after because my boyfriend said she was manipulating me. And well the more I had her blocked the nicer she was. After a while Joe did something to make me give up on my friendship with her too and J expected that to be a chance to get me back. And well she did practically. She was a lot nicer and I felt like she changed. But Man was I wrong.. Just today I was working my second night shift. I said something as a joke because I was hoping J would get what I meant. Her boyfriend was on the call... He took everything out of context and said something that made me feel less about myself. I already feel like crap being the person I am. I want to better myself but the more people say things the more I give up. I want to be encouraged not dragged down. I don't know why he has to be so mean. I never did anything to him. I don't know why they both have to be... I listen to her call people ugly all the time. Like just stop. I want her to stop. I'm leaving for the military soon, and she said that I can't get rid of her. That sounds psycho. And it honestly makes me want to get away more. I'm tired of the toxic environment and I want to get away. But she's everywhere. She knows everything about me. She has photos of me I hate. She has so many things she can use against me. I'm honestly scared. I want to block her again but I know she's just going to keep bugging me about it. And she might turn people against me. She's good at talking to people. I'm not I'm an introvert. I don't want her ever find me again once I leave. But I know she might try. People always find a way. And she's creepy. Because I know she'll be able to. But I just want to move on with my life. I don't know how to remove her from my life. What should I do?

am an 18 year old male. So much shit has happened to me since October of last year. I've been so depressed and suicidal for what feels like forever. In October I realized my mom had taken away payment for my therapy, this was after my therapist had told me my mom was abusing me and manipulating me and I confronted her about it. I asked for her to explain herself and she did nothing but defend her actions and criticize me. I stopped talking to her. I told her I needed her to acknowledgment that what she did was wrong and how deeply it has hurt me. She did nothing but defend her actions even more. I've since realized my mother is an abusive narcassist, and these patterns have been there my whole life. My family tried to pressure me into fixing my relationship with ny mom, but all I did was ask her to apologize for cutting my payment to therapy without my knowledge. It has been 7 months, I've heard nothing. No apology, no acknowledgment, nothing. I live with my dad now. A week after I stopped talking to my mom (still October) I asked my ex girlfriend to be friends with benifits (rookie mistake I know) she was my first girlfriend and I was upset and felt so alone. She told me I was disgusting and only wanted her for a body and told me she was dating her male best friend from when we were together. She had told me days before that this was not the case, so she had been lying to my face for weeks. She was my best friend, and she betrayed me, lied to me, and left me alone with zero support in the toughest time in my entire lift. She told me she doesn't want to speak to me anymore. I apologized many times but it didn't change yet mind. 3 weeks later I was hanging out with this new friend group, with a couple of guys and a girl. I liked the girl, and I was pretty sure she liked me too. My other best friend, was in that friend group and hung out with us everyday. I told him I liked her. I asked her to come over, we cuddled amd watched a bunch of movies, and then I asked to kiss her. She rejected me on the spot. Said I was sweet but she wasn't into me. I talk to my best friend about it. He says I was in the wrong for 'pressuring' her into cuddling with Mr which was not the case at all. He convinces the girl I forced myself onto her and that she wasn't capable of making decisions for herself since she had a glass of wine earlier. A month later I found out my best friend was sleeping with her while almost immediately after that night. Everyone in my life betrays me. Everyone is terrible. I don't believe in good people anymore. I serve a purpose and then people move on when I stop serving that purpose. I am suicidal and am genuinely considering taking my life. I can't do this anymore. Everyone except my dad and my brother in my family cut ties with me the day I set a boundary with my mom. I lost both my best friends in the shittiest way possible. I'm jobless and feel like a waste of space. I'm thinking of swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills and antidepressants in order to do the deed. Part of me wants to live hut I just don't see a way out. Everyone in my life treats me like shit. I just can't do this.

Welcome back to a little more MARRIED Mary Mania before I wrap things up with The Abridged Goblinization. I decided that this bit deserved its own chapter. Some of you seem to be entertained by Mary (or at least entertained by your own loathing of her), so I hope this will prove amusing. In my life, I've encountered an inordinate number of low-key lolcows (probably because I was far too patient and far too passive for far too long), so I might as well throw just enough distortion on the page to protect the good guys and the genuinely reformed beards. But I'm also gonna shine a bright, unflattering spotlight on the lolcows, creeps, weirdos, pervs, and BEARDS, both neck and leg.
And I'll very, very cautiously tiptoe over the bit where I do a bunch of mental gymnastics, squint my eyes, tilt my head, and convince myself that dating Whisky might be a welcome change of pace. I have no delusions when I look back on it. This was a dumb move in retrospect, but all the mental gymnastics in the world can't bring me to a reasonable scenario where I was psychic and thus able to predict what he'd become once he stopped pretending to be a gentleman. Nor can the most elite, Olympic-level mental gymnastics execute a double salto layout with a half-twist perfectly enough to force me to concede the "logical point" that I should have spotted warning signs that I'd never freakin' seen before. Okay, that's enough saltiness for today. Don't worry. This chapter mostly focuses on Mary's mania. Whisky's just kind of... there.
So there I was... dating a guy who called when he said he would, remained constant in his affections, never asked for weird stuff in the sack (in fact, we weren't even intimate at that point), and claimed to be a secular humanist who practiced elements of Hinduism (as opposed to conveniently becoming born-again whenever it suited his needs to wallow in shame). And we seemed to have similar enough tastes in media, which made for pleasant movie nights and enjoyable conversations about nerdy stuff. It felt like a step up. It felt safe. At that point in time, I was content.
But here's a shameful admission for ya. My original intention was to make Whisky the "for now guy." I knew I could do better. I was formally educated, I was in shape, I was normatively attractive, and I tended to be successful in both my theatrical and academic endeavors. Plus, I was super friendly and good with people. Whisky was kind of a bump on a log. Sure, he seemed nice. He was sometimes able to make interesting conversation. To quote his favorite catch phrase, "Meh."
I knew he was mooching off his mysterious "big bro," and he wasn't doing this with the intention of saving up and eventually becoming self-sufficient. He just kicked up a fuss whenever he wanted something, and... it usually appeared. I still thought he was physically unattractive, too. I hate nasty-ass beards, I have a strong preference for shorter guys (they don't need to be as short as Dennis, but I don't exactly love being towered over), and Whisky had whatever the dude version of resting bitch face is. I admonished myself for being shallow and decided to soldier on. Date after date. And I did kind of get used to all the shallow things I objected to.
But, really... Dating Whisky at all was a dick move on my part. Then again, how many Nice Guy (TM)s want girls to do exactly what I did? Not attracted? Think he's kind of a bum? Find him a bit boring? Just give him a chance!!! Go on a crap-ton of dates with him until you like the familiarity enough to settle for him. That's the key to a healthy relationship!!! It never works. You could flip this around and apply it to Nice Girls who want pity dates, too.
Anyway. Lucy knew I was dating Whisky, and she thought it was great. She was honestly just happy to see that I was no longer pining over Dennis and that Whisky was no longer getting relentlessly stalked by Mary. Speaking of Mary... She'd had an imaginary dramatic breakup with Scumbanger not long after she crashed Lucy's brunch. Murky aside... The following summer, I'd do another show with the pervy pest and I'd find out that Mary had given the former Rum Tum Tugger a tug in the parking lot of The Imp and had let him motorboat her. When dozens of lewd messaged filled his inbox the following day, the most indiscriminate playboy I'd ever met in my freakin' life blocked that clingy legbeard's number and never had any further contact with her. But seeing as neither of them are especially reliable sources, my best guess is that the truth is somewhere in between.
After the dramatic "breakup" with Scumbanger, Mary immediately became obsessed with the new tech guy (and his wife). They allegedly had something of a throuple situation going on, but no one ever witnessed any hard evidence of this. And then Mary and Tech Guy's wife allegedly had a catfight in the middle of the fancy restaurant where the three spent their date nights. Mary did have a shiner and a scraped knee for a few weeks, and she intimated to me that Chuckie was actually the one responsible for her looking a little rough...
I believed her because there was something very different about her demeanor when she told me this. When she was in larger groups, she just screeched about how she thought the catfight was foreplay until Tech Guy ghosted her. Yet again, we'll never know the truth. But I err on the side of belief when someone tells me that DV is going on in their home, even if I generally regard that person as a delusional pathological liar. Plus, Mary had never badmouthed Chuckie before and she never made excuses for her philandering. She just felt entitled to any ding-dong she desired. Bottom line, I think there was an unfortunate incident, and I urged her to report it. She didn't; but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
And, yes. I think we're allowed to show compassion for Mary if Chuckie did indeed do what she was accusing him of. She absolutely deserved to get dumped in a spectacular fashion. No one deserves violence, though. But I think we're also allowed to laugh at Mary when she's acting like a crank-crazed maniac.
Moving on to lighter topics! Mary claimed to be having a hot, steamy affair with the artistic director of The Imp. At first, this seemed outlandish. But he had been the one to hire her. And he repeatedly refused to replace her when she consistently failed to learned her lines, ran around naked, and contributed little more than muckbangs to the comedy (again, I personally found it funny when she did that, but I was in the minority).
Some skullduggery was definitely afoot. Was it "sexy time," as Mary enthusiastically claimed? Who knows. Chuckie might have been paying the dude to give Mary a hobby. But not long after Mary started boasting about boning the artistic director, he suddenly began calling her out on her unprofessional behavior. They "broke up," but Mary managed to avoid getting kicked out of the improv troupe, bragging that she could sue the director for sexual harassment if he fired her.
And then... there was the pièce de résistance of Mary's misadventures in mating. She met a biker dude at Filthy McNasty's. This guys was disgusting. Most of her previous dudes had been questionable, weird, or possibly imaginary. But we all saw this one. He was as fat as a Hutt, he smelled like a grease trap, motor oil, B.O., and a very specific type of cheese... The few teeth that he had were black and green, his fingernails were yellowed and a few of them oozed pus. Finally, the volume and crackly, bubbly properties of his frequent farts indicated to George Gay that he, "definitely had a virgin booty." Mary's lard-ass loverboy called himself "Hogg," which was probably a reference to the two-wheeled vehicle that he was very obviously too large to actually ride. Or it might have just been an obvious nickname for a filthy fat fuck.
But Hogg, like Tech Guy a few loverboys ago, had a wife. And she made frequent appearances at Filthy's as well. Hogg's wife was shockingly... kind of pretty. A little rough around the edges. Didn't smell the greatest. But she stood in stark contrast to her repugnant hubby, even with her fried hair, her sloppily inked tats, and her imprecisely applied eye makeup. Her teeth were free of obvious rot. She had a beautiful figure. And she had a carefree attitude that was probably attractive to a number of people. She'd fart right along with Hogg, she didn't shave her legs, and the profane compound nouns she came up with always cracked me up (lard-tard, smegma-booger, felch-belcher).
And Mary was once again claiming to be in a throuple with The Hoggs. But this time, there was hard evidence. They'd get busy in some corner of the establishment, and even got booted from the dive bar a few times for lewd behavior, offensive odors, and illegal drug use. On one particular night, Mrs. Hogg lit one of her hubby's gargantuan ass-rippers while Mary was doing her thing, completely shrouded by his big belly. The blue flame ignited some spilt booze on the dingy floor, and a small fire erupted. The staff were able to stomp it out, but the nasty throuple was unceremoniously banished.
Alas, management allowed Mary to re-enter the bar because she apparently had some sort of sway with one of the bartenders. Instead of meeting her...uh... "partners" for some more boom-boom, Mary decided to come back inside and gush about Hogg's majestic rooster to all of us. She smelled like D cheese, ammonia, and burnt farts as she plopped down at our table, already screeching about how much bigger her "new boo" was, compared to that vile turd of an artistic director.
George Gay: Fuck me, Mary!!! You reek. Go wash the uncircumcised methhead off your hands and then you can sit with us.
Mary started to protest. Lucy cut her off. "Your whole body is probably a veritable Petri dish from fooling around with those nasty-ass people." She handed Mary some Purell. "Was the junkie junk off, keep the bottle, and don't you fucking touch me when you come back!"
Mary's bottom lip began to quiver and she looked pleadingly at me. "Just wash up," I told her. "You're too pretty to go around smelling like that.”
Off she went to the dingy bathroom. Maybe I wasn't harsh enough, but flattery got results in this instance. And when she returned, she had managed to dilute the stench enough so that we could stand to sit at the same table with her.
Mary took a deep breath in preparation to gush about something that would have undoubtedly been disgusting, but George cut her off this time. "Mare. How do you even BANG someone with a belly like that?"
Mary (speaking a bit more quickly than usual): Oh, it just takes some creative positioning. We get him to lie down. If Mrs. Hogg is taking in the rod, I hold his bowl of jelly up with both arms and stick my cooter in his face. He eats it like his mommy made it! And when it's my turn to get blasted, the missus uses a bunch of yoga straps to hold it up. I have to take it from behind because my own little tiny bit of va-jiggle-jaggle bumps up against his bowl of jelly if why try to smash like vanilla people. It's so much fun, though!!! And then he props his bowl of jelly up on the coffee table and plays with himself while he watches his honey strap on a dil...
George: I so regret asking.
Mary: They're sooo fun to fool around with! I think they might be my forever partners! (Her hands were too shaky to slide down her body in unbridled ecstasy, so she clasped them together and hid them underneath her itty bitty little gunt.)
Lucy: So when are you gonna dump Chuck?
Mary: Well... Hogg and the missus don't have much scratch. And what they do have, they spend on smokeables. When I meet a real sugar daddy, I'll get rid of Chuckle. He pretended to be a baller before we got married. But he's just middle management and he's content to stay there. Pffffftt. No ambition.
Mary launched into another long, unnecessarily graphic gushing about her garbage partners and their nasty-ass boom-boom. So I decided this would be a good time to clear my conscience about dating Whisky. Mary hadn't so much as mentioned him in months. She was inexplicably smitten with The Hoggs. And her ultimate dream man was obviously some filthy rich dude (perhaps a literally filthy dude who was also rich), which took Whisky out of the running. I still think it would have been amusing if Mary had tried to date Mori...
I waited for her adult film star gasp to wind down before I finally interjected, "Wow. Sounds like you've got a fantastic sex life right now!"
Mary: I do! You need to get over that born-again weirdo and find a real man so that you and I can have good girl talk!
Me: Well... I'm not banging anybody, but I am dating somebody. Sort of. It's not really that big of a deal. I'm not even sure that I'm completely into him. But he's been super sweet to me...
Lucy put her arm around me, almost as if she knew I was about to need protection.
Mary: TELL ME!
I hesitated. "Well... It's Whiskers."
In an instant, George jumped up and grabbed Mary by the shoulders, lest she lunge at me.
But Mary got very quiet. Silent tears welled up in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She gasped and buried her face in her hands, now emitting one seemingly endless, impossibly high-pitched whine.
George loosened his grip and began to pat her on the back. Lucy's grip tightened on me and she whispered, "Here we go. Overreaction sequence has commenced."
Mary lifted her red, tear-stained face and glared at me. "HOW COULD YOU???"
Me: Mary, I swear. I thought you hated his guts. I haven't heard you talk about him in ages. When he asked, I thought it would be good for me to give him a chance since he's always been really sweet to me.
Mary: But what about the way he treated ME??? He was such an asshole!
Lucy: Was he? Mary, you stalked the guy. If he was rude, it was only because you weren't taking NO for an answer.
Mary: He never told me he wanted to end things. He just kept ghosting me. But whenever I showed up at his house and jumped on him, we always wound up smashing. Eventually.
I didn't have the gumption at that point in my life to suggest to Mary that it's wrong on every imaginable level to coerce someone into intimate activity, regardless of gender. And even knowing what Whiskers would eventually become, he didn't deserve THAT. I should have called her out. Instead I tried to steer the conversation back to her current bedroom bliss and try to get her to resume thinking the disgusting thoughts that delighted her so much.
Me: Who cares what he's doing now?! Aren't you insanely happy with your fun new lovers???
Mary: NO! THEY STINK! HE'S FAT. I want my sexy Whisky-Boo Whiskers back!!! Give him back, Valley! Puh-leeee-eeee-eeeee-eeeease.
Me: I don't "have" him. I'm just seeing him. If he hurt you this much, why don't you try to sit down and have a real conversation with him? It might be good for both of you to clear the air.
Mary: He blocked me on everythi-iiiiiii-iiiii-iiiiiing. Waaaaaaaaaah!
Me: Well, I guess that's your answer. You probably overwhelmed him. He seems like a bit of a softy. Personally, I need a softy right now. But I think you need a manly man.
Mary rose. She gave me an icy stare. And then she cooed in an unnervingly sweet tone. "I love you, Valley-Boo. I know you didn't mean to break my heart."
Me: Thank you, Mary. Really, I wouldn't have even considered his initial invitation if you hadn't been calling him "Satan," and telling us all that you hated him, and dating all these new guys. I didn't do it to spite you, I swear. It just happened.
Mary (still creepily, icily sweet): Yes. We're so alike, you and I. It's perfectly understandable that the same guy would go for both of us. But you owe me. You owe me big.
Me: I'm gonna disagree with that. If you think I slighted you, just tell me to fuck off. If you really do understand that these things happen, then you'll accept that there was no malice on anyone's part.
Mary: Mmmm-hmmmm. We'll see about that.
She jiggled her Jupiters, tossed her hair, and stalked out of the dive bar...

AND THEN SHE BANGED DENNIS.

am an 18 year old male. So much shit has happened to me since October of last year. I've been so depressed and suicidal for what feels like forever. In October I realized my mom had taken away payment for my therapy, this was after my therapist had told me my mom was abusing me and manipulating me and I confronted her about it. I asked for her to explain herself and she did nothing but defend her actions and criticize me. I stopped talking to her. I told her I needed her to acknowledgment that what she did was wrong and how deeply it has hurt me. She did nothing but defend her actions even more. I've since realized my mother is an abusive narcassist, and these patterns have been there my whole life. My family tried to pressure me into fixing my relationship with ny mom, but all I did was ask her to apologize for cutting my payment to therapy without my knowledge. It has been 7 months, I've heard nothing. No apology, no acknowledgment, nothing. I live with my dad now. A week after I stopped talking to my mom (still October) I asked my ex girlfriend to be friends with benifits (rookie mistake I know) she was my first girlfriend and I was upset and felt so alone. She told me I was disgusting and only wanted her for a body and told me she was dating her male best friend from when we were together. She had told me days before that this was not the case, so she had been lying to my face for weeks. She was my best friend, and she betrayed me, lied to me, and left me alone with zero support in the toughest time in my entire lift. She told me she doesn't want to speak to me anymore. I apologized many times but it didn't change yet mind. 3 weeks later I was hanging out with this new friend group, with a couple of guys and a girl. I liked the girl, and I was pretty sure she liked me too. My other best friend, was in that friend group and hung out with us everyday. I told him I liked her. I asked her to come over, we cuddled amd watched a bunch of movies, and then I asked to kiss her. She rejected me on the spot. Said I was sweet but she wasn't into me. I talk to my best friend about it. He says I was in the wrong for 'pressuring' her into cuddling with Mr which was not the case at all. He convinces the girl I forced myself onto her and that she wasn't capable of making decisions for herself since she had a glass of wine earlier. A month later I found out my best friend was sleeping with her while almost immediately after that night. Everyone in my life betrays me. Everyone is terrible. I don't believe in good people anymore. I serve a purpose and then people move on when I stop serving that purpose. I am suicidal and am genuinely considering taking my life. I can't do this anymore. Everyone except my dad and my brother in my family cut ties with me the day I set a boundary with my mom. I lost both my best friends in the shittiest way possible. I'm jobless and feel like a waste of space. I'm thinking of swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills and antidepressants in order to do the deed. Part of me wants to live hut I just don't see a way out. Everyone in my life treats me like shit. I just can't do this.

I'm putting fake names... (A lot of the timelines are spread out but they talk about those specific moments, I hope they make since)
I have a friend, I'll call her J. I have known J for almost 9 years. She and I grew up pretty close and we were inseparable. Over the first few years of our friendship she had lost my parents trust from an incident involving a boy, she wasn't allowed to stay over for sleepovers and I practically lost my whole summer that year. I was pretty angry at my parents and blamed things on them. I regret my actions and I did learn but in my mind I thought J was the only person who understood me.
After the whole incident settled down. School started up again and she would jokingly push me into a boy or a locker. She started putting her arm around my neck, trying to choke me. She would continuously punch me or smack me on the head. I honestly got annoyed by it but I acted like it was nothing. She had suddenly became obsessed with TikTok and she posted a whole TikTok about her friends, their was a video of me that stood out. I wasn't wearing a shirt. Which completely made me uncomfortable because I wasn't wearing a shirt and she took the video while I was changing. She didn't take it down. She also would post photos without my consent. Like ones that made me feel ugly or disgusting. And I would tell her how they made me feel. But she would still post them. I started telling her no when she asked for photos and she always would sneak one when I wasn't looking. She doesn't take no for an answer. She will start whining when you don't listen. I used to trust her with my feelings and I would tell her about everything. And now I feel like she knows too much.
This past school year all of my friends (king, J, Joe, Bell) and I went to SDYC. And well when we went J was lying a bunch and starting a bunch of drama and it threw all of my friends off. We all didn't trust J and Joe that well during that time. I felt like the only people I had was my friends King and Bell. Because they both understood how I felt.
After that. King, J, and I had a sleepover. During the middle of the night I was watching a movie and J began to bug me. She started pushing on me saying I was taking up too much room. But honestly I was the one who was sleeping in between two couches there's no way I was taking that much space because I was falling in the crack. She then proceeded to call me a fat roll. I said "no your a fat roll" jokingly. And then she freaks out and she went to tell her boyfriend. It annoyed me because all her boyfriend knows how to do is talk bad. After that sleepover. She started working at the same place as me and I told her about my big crush on this coworker of ours. And so then she decided to start flirting with him in front of me. She would throw something at him jokingly and giggle. I didn't try to think anything of it. But then when we were talking about him the next thing she decided to say was, "your just jealous because he talks to me and not you". The thing is I don't want to talk to him that's why I don't try to talk to him. He has talked to me before, but I rather admire him from afar. He's like 13 years older than me. He was just hot to me at the time.
I'll just say I am lighter than a 5'6 girl. I might have a little bit of belly fat but that's just my body. And I do have an eating disorder. I don't eat enough, I practically starve myself. J honestly made me feel worse and I started having moments where I would basically pass out from no iron in my body. J continued to body shame me even from the amount of food I would eat. She straight up made is feel like she was calling me ugly and fat. It hurt and it made me angry. I told my dad and he said she's just jealous and not to worry about it. I brushed it off but she basically would say something everyday. It got to a point where I was crying all the time.
During my last year of highschool J didn't have a vehicle. So she would ask me to drive her places. I didn't mind because we would be going to the same places. And I started offering to pay for her drink or something. I didn't think much of it in tell I was always taking her places and buying her drinks but she still wanted me to pay her back for stuff when I didn't have much money. She managed to buy a vehicle for a small price by saving up the money she didn't spend. I feel stupid for offering. One day her mom even texted me asking for the small money I "owed" J. But my parents think I don't owe her anything because I have given her most of my money and that she owes me money.
J also does this thing where if you don't give her your attention she'll keep tapping you. Over and over again. Everytime she asks for my attention it's always for something so pointless and stupid. Nothing serious. And everytime I ask for her attention she'll ignore me. She does it a lot. She only wants to have the attention. I stopped telling her about how I feel because all I know is she'll either use it against me or not actually listen and move past it. Like once she asked me how I felt and when I told her that I cried about something she moved on from it into her talking about her crying over some movie she watched.
The way she treated me made me so angry that I texted her boyfriend anonymously asking him to control his girlfriend and get her to be nicer to others. He didn't like the message and told his girl on the spot and J tried to call my fake number. I didn't answer and then she ran to me to tell me the tea. She later assumed it was a boy she was flirting with that she pushed away.
I hate her boyfriend but he deserves better.. because she has talked to another boy behind his back. When I started liking this one boy. I told her about it and then she began to tell me how she met this UK boy and she thinks he's all that. She later found out he was lying about his age and she got back to reality before she lost her in person boyfriend.
She told king I was flirting with this one dude but I wasn't. J told me to add this guy she found on Facebook on snap, I said okay and I called the dude a nickname like a Grandma would call their grandchildren. And I thought it was funny and the guy thought it was chill. I didn't think anything of it and then I blocked him because I didn't want to talk to him. She then decided to add the guy on snap. And she starts talking to him. The amount of times she has lied is crazy. I blocked him but she still has him on snap. For what reason I don't know.
J and Joe and I have recently had a lot of problems with each other. It's always J and Joe fighting and I'm between listening to them both argue about each other. I was getting tired of it. J hit my breaking point when she decided to ask me for my boyfriends sisters snap. You don't just ask your friend for her boyfriends sisters snap. That's weird. She also asked for my boyfriends and she looked him up when I told her no and she added a bunch of dudes with the same name. She didn't find him but there is no way I want her knowing him or his sister. I have too many trust issues with her. She's the main reason why a lot of my relationships didn't work out. They didn't like her and she manipulated me into saying things that upset them. She makes me so uncomfortable. She made me seem lesbian once when I know I'm not. But she made a TikTok about it and a lot of people from my school saw it. I don't like false accusations. I'm pretty sure she used it for clout. But also my parents think she's inlove with me because she can never leave me alone and she always HAS to hold hands or hug.
J doesn't understand a lot of things. And she calls me stupid. I honestly want karma to come get her but that's bad and I don't mean to say that. It hurts a lot.
I had blocked J on everything. But since I worked with J I saw her and she started bawling her eyes out at me saying she did nothing, I felt bad but I was annoyed because she kept bugging me. So I unblocked her. I decided to block her again after because my boyfriend said she was manipulating me. And well the more I had her blocked the nicer she was. After a while Joe did something to make me give up on my friendship with her too and J expected that to be a chance to get me back. And well she did practically. She was a lot nicer and I felt like she changed. But Man was I wrong.. Just today I was working my second night shift. I said something as a joke because I was hoping J would get what I meant. Her boyfriend was on the call... He took everything out of context and said something that made me feel less about myself. I already feel like crap being the person I am. I want to better myself but the more people say things the more I give up. I want to be encouraged not dragged down. I don't know why he has to be so mean. I never did anything to him. I don't know why they both have to be... I listen to her call people ugly all the time. Like just stop. I want her to stop. I'm leaving for the military soon, and she said that I can't get rid of her. That sounds psycho. And it honestly makes me want to get away more. I'm tired of the toxic environment and I want to get away. But she's everywhere. She knows everything about me. She has photos of me I hate. She has so many things she can use against me. I'm honestly scared. I want to block her again but I know she's just going to keep bugging me about it. And she might turn people against me. She's good at talking to people. I'm not I'm an introvert. I don't want her ever find me again once I leave. But I know she might try. People always find a way. And she's creepy. Because I know she'll be able to. But I just want to move on with my life. I don't know how to remove her from my life. What should I do?

Hello everyone, I can now happily say to you that I gave up the games . I stood up against my economical difficulties and decided to start a second job and return to workout my body too. I think that im happier with this situation, I feel more productive as a person and I feel that I evolve this way. The problem is that I grew up with mmorpgs and despite that they are mostly waste of time , I really miss having the time to grind for hours, I miss wiping whole teams in aion and killing thousand of mobs in BDO, and mostly I miss a lot discovering new mmos and try out their world. You think that there is a way getting back on this? We all know here that you can’t be a casual gamer in most of the mmos, so if I do this, 1-2 hours per day is never enough for an mmo.

I have been trying to find the right meds for the last few weeks. Last night I finally tried to one of my med and it worked .Sleeping like a baby. Only concern is I have like my whole body has tremors. Do you g guys deal with tremors? Finally glad to be sleeping after weeks of hypomania. :)

I have been trying to find the right meds for the last few weeks. Last night I finally tried to one of my med and it worked .Sleeping like a baby. Only concern is I have like my whole body has tremors. Do you g guys deal with tremors? Finally glad to be sleeping after weeks of hypomania. :)

I am an 18 year old male. So much shit has happened to me since October of last year. I've been so depressed and suicidal for what feels like forever. In October I realized my mom had taken away payment for my therapy, this was after my therapist had told me my mom was abusing me and manipulating me and I confronted her about it. I asked for her to explain herself and she did nothing but defend her actions and criticize me. I stopped talking to her. I told her I needed her to acknowledgment that what she did was wrong and how deeply it has hurt me. She did nothing but defend her actions even more. I've since realized my mother is an abusive narcassist, and these patterns have been there my whole life. My family tried to pressure me into fixing my relationship with ny mom, but all I did was ask her to apologize for cutting my payment to therapy without my knowledge. It has been 7 months, I've heard nothing. No apology, no acknowledgment, nothing. I live with my dad now. A week after I stopped talking to my mom (still October) I asked my ex girlfriend to be friends with benifits (rookie mistake I know) she was my first girlfriend and I was upset and felt so alone. She told me I was disgusting and only wanted her for a body and told me she was dating her male best friend from when we were together. She had told me days before that this was not the case, so she had been lying to my face for weeks. She was my best friend, and she betrayed me, lied to me, and left me alone with zero support in the toughest time in my entire lift. She told me she doesn't want to speak to me anymore. I apologized many times but it didn't change yet mind. 3 weeks later I was hanging out with this new friend group, with a couple of guys and a girl. I liked the girl, and I was pretty sure she liked me too. My other best friend, was in that friend group and hung out with us everyday. I told him I liked her. I asked her to come over, we cuddled amd watched a bunch of movies, and then I asked to kiss her. She rejected me on the spot. Said I was sweet but she wasn't into me. I talk to my best friend about it. He says I was in the wrong for 'pressuring' her into cuddling with Mr which was not the case at all. He convinces the girl I forced myself onto her and that she wasn't capable of making decisions for herself since she had a glass of wine earlier. A month later I found out my best friend was sleeping with her while almost immediately after that night. Everyone in my life betrays me. Everyone is terrible. I don't believe in good people anymore. I serve a purpose and then people move on when I stop serving that purpose. I am suicidal and am genuinely considering taking my life. I can't do this anymore. Everyone except my dad and my brother in my family cut ties with me the day I set a boundary with my mom. I lost both my best friends in the shittiest way possible. I'm jobless and feel like a waste of space. I'm thinking of swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills and antidepressants in order to do the deed. Part of me wants to live hut I just don't see a way out. Everyone in my life treats me like shit. I just can't do this.

The job offer is in the cooking/restaurant industry, its a really fancy place with wealthy customers.
Im super anxious about it and i cant function at all when im feeling like this, my whole body is all of the sudden fidgety and tense and i cant even trust my own thoughts since how do i know if my logic isnt effected by my anxiety?
Its like i get thoughts about why i should logically decline the job and not go there but i dont even know if thats coming from an actual real concern or is it just my brain trying to avoid anything anxiety related?
What do you think i should do to get a clear head and make important decisions?

LESSON 136. Sickness is a defense against the truth.
No one can heal unless he understands what purpose sickness seems to serve. For then he understands as well its purpose has no meaning. Being causeless and without a meaningful intent of any kind, it cannot be at all. When this is seen, healing is automatic. It dispels this meaningless illusion by the same approach that carries all of them to truth, and merely leaves them there to disappear.
Sickness is not an accident. Like all defenses, it is an insane device for self-deception. And like all the rest, its purpose is to hide reality, attack it, change it, render it inept, distort it, twist it, or reduce it to a little pile of unassembled parts. The aim of all defenses is to keep the truth from being whole. The parts are seen as if each one were whole within itself.
Defenses are not unintentional, nor are they made without awareness. They are secret, magic wands you wave when truth appears to threaten what you would believe. They seem to be unconscious but because of the rapidity with which you choose to use them. In that second, even less, in which the choice is made, you recognize exactly what you would attempt to do, and then proceed to think that it is done.
Who but yourself evaluates a threat, decides escape is necessary, and sets up a series of defenses to reduce the threat that has been judged as real? All this cannot be done unconsciously. But afterwards, your plan requires that you must forget you made it, so it seems to be external to your own intent; a happening beyond your state of mind, an outcome with a real effect on you, instead of one effected by yourself.
It is this quick forgetting of the part you play in making your “reality” that makes defenses seem to be beyond your own control. But what you have forgot can be remembered, given willingness to reconsider the decision which is doubly shielded by oblivion. Your not remembering is but the sign that this decision still remains in force, as far as your desires are concerned. Mistake not this for fact. Defenses must make facts unrecognizable. They aim at doing this, and it is this they do.
Every defense takes fragments of the whole, assembles them without regard to all their true relationships, and thus constructs illusions of a whole that is not there. It is this process that imposes threat, and not whatever outcome may result. When parts are wrested from the whole and seen as separate and wholes within themselves, they become symbols standing for attack upon the whole; successful in effect, and never to be seen as whole again. And yet you have forgotten that they stand but for your own decision of what should be real, to take the place of what is real.
Sickness is a decision. It is not a thing that happens to you, quite unsought, which makes you weak and brings you suffering. It is a choice you make, a plan you lay, when for an instant truth arises in your own deluded mind, and all your world appears to totter and prepare to fall. Now are you sick, that truth may go away and threaten your establishments no more.
How do you think that sickness can succeed in shielding you from truth? Because it proves the body is not separate from you, and so you must be separate from the truth. You suffer pain because the body does, and in this pain are you made one with it. Thus is your “true” identity preserved, and the strange, haunting thought that you might be something beyond this little pile of dust silenced and stilled. For see, this dust can make you suffer, twist your limbs and stop your heart, commanding you to die and cease to be.
Thus is the body stronger than the truth, which asks you live, but cannot overcome your choice to die. And so the body is more powerful than everlasting life, Heaven more frail than hell, and God’s design for the salvation of His Son opposed by a decision stronger than His Will. His Son is dust, the Father incomplete, and chaos sits in triumph on His throne.
Such is your planning for your own defense. And you believe that Heaven quails before such mad attacks as these, with God made blind by your illusions, truth turned into lies, and all the universe made slave to laws which your defenses would impose on it. Yet who believes illusions but the one who made them up? Who else can see them and react to them as if they were the truth?
God knows not of your plans to change His Will. The universe remains unheeding of the laws by which you thought to govern it. And Heaven has not bowed to hell, nor life to death. You can but choose to think you die, or suffer sickness or distort the truth in any way. What is created is apart from all of this. Defenses are plans to defeat what cannot be attacked. What is unalterable cannot change. And what is wholly sinless cannot sin.
Such is the simple truth. It does not make appeal to might nor triumph. It does not command obedience, nor seek to prove how pitiful and futile your attempts to plan defenses that would alter it. Truth merely wants to give you happiness, for such its purpose is. Perhaps it sighs a little when you throw away its gifts, and yet it knows, with perfect certainty, that what God wills for you must be received.
It is this fact that demonstrates that time is an illusion. For time lets you think what God has given you is not the truth right now, as it must be. The Thoughts of God are quite apart from time. For time is but another meaningless defense you made against the truth. Yet what He wills is here, and you remain as He created you.
Truth has a power far beyond defense, for no illusions can remain where truth has been allowed to enter. And it comes to any mind that would lay down its arms, and cease to play with folly. It is found at any time; today, if you will choose to practice giving welcome to the truth.
This is our aim today. And we will give a quarter of an hour twice to ask the truth to come to us and set us free. And truth will come, for it has never been apart from us. It merely waits for just this invitation which we give today. We introduce it with a healing prayer, to help us rise above defensiveness, and let truth be as it has always been:
Sickness is a defense against the truth. I will accept the truth of what I am, and let my mind be wholly healed today.
Healing will flash across your open mind, as peace and truth arise to take the place of war and vain imaginings. There will be no dark corners sickness can conceal, and keep defended from the light of truth. There will be no dim figures from your dreams, nor their obscure and meaningless pursuits with double purposes insanely sought, remaining in your mind. It will be healed of all the sickly wishes that it tried to authorize the body to obey.
Now is the body healed, because the source of sickness has been opened to relief. And you will recognize you practiced well by this: The body should not feel at all. If you have been successful, there will be no sense of feeling ill or feeling well, of pain or pleasure. No response at all is in the mind to what the body does. Its usefulness remains and nothing more.
Perhaps you do not realize that this removes the limits you had placed upon the body by the purposes you gave to it. As these are laid aside, the strength the body has will always be enough to serve all truly useful purposes. The body’s health is fully guaranteed, because it is not limited by time, by weather or fatigue, by food and drink, or any laws you made it serve before. You need do nothing now to make it well, for sickness has become impossible.
Yet this protection needs to be preserved by careful watching. If you let your mind harbor attack thoughts, yield to judgment or make plans against uncertainties to come, you have again misplaced yourself, and made a bodily identity which will attack the body, for the mind is sick.
Give instant remedy, should this occur, by not allowing your defensiveness to hurt you longer. Do not be confused about what must be healed, but tell yourself:
I have forgotten what I really am, for I mistook my body for myself. Sickness is a defense against the truth. But I am not a body. And my mind cannot attack. So I can not be sick.

I weirdly miss that one friend I had in high-school that was extremely toxic to me and overall just not a good friend. I can't explain why I miss her, or if i even miss her in general or if it's just the nostalgia but it has made me pretty sad those past few weeks because I can't stop thinking about everything we went through together.
For some context, we met in high-school and were extremely close. Our friendship was quite unusual as I was the weird kid and she was the beautiful & tall popular girl and gave a bit of a mean-girl vibe. We did not share a lot in common but somehow we got along super well, or I thought so. It took me years to realize that I was in fact just desperate for some kindness coming from 'popular' kids as I was always getting picked on by them.
We were inseparable : she taught me how to be more feminine, how to dress better and because of the huge influence she had on me, I started to like the same things as her. I did a 360° on my life and went from the weird kid to the pretty and slightly popular girl (and to be honest I loved the attention I was getting). However, I do remember she kept me around like a dog in some way and subtly belittled me all the time but I never payed to much attention.
When we graduated and started uni (both at the same one for our first year), she had a flat (she was super rich and could afford to live alone at 18) where she invited me very often. We had tons of sleepovers.
However, she was in a toxic relationship that ended pretty badly at that time and she became extremely underweight. I was there to help her and came to her flat to cook for her every two days, clean her flat for her (as she was depressed and didn't do anything) and overall took care of her like a mother for 4 months straight. She never thanked me for it, but I did not do all this to be thanked, for me it was normal to help a friend in need.
When she got better, that's when she began having a toxic attitude towards me and our friendship completely changed. She constantly picked on me for my appearance, giving me backhanded compliments such as 'ugh I'm so obese (she was still very skinny, like a top model), I wish my fattness looked good like it does on you', 'You eat so much, I could never ! I would love to be like you and not care about weight !' etc. The thing is, she KNEW I was struggling with body image and viewed myself as overweight although I was also skinny, I'm just very short with a large lower-body (hips) that can sometimes give the illusion that I'm on the thicker side.
She also started to weirdly shame me for casually dating and having hookups (I grew up in a strict household and never had a boyfriend. I did casually date and flirt with guys once I got to uni and regularly slept with one (1) guy but she still slutshamed me about it). She became religious out of the blues and constantly shamed me for 'messing around' with a guy whom I'm not even in a relationship with. It hurted me quite and even when I told her it hurted my feelings she kept on going.
I had a messy relationship with a second guy the second year of uni and it ended very badly. I got very very depressed for weeks and didn't even go to uni anymore, just like how she was with her own toxic ex. Needless to say she was not there for me, not even once. In truth, she even ghosted my messages and only checked up on me to help her on a project for her own uni-course (I did law, she did business). When I accepted to help her through Facetime, she badmouthed how lazy and ridiculous I was and how it was 'gross and lame' to be sad like that. I later (1 year later) learned through my ex when he contacted me to apologizes once and for all that she hooked up with him while I was depressed and that she talked mad sht about me to him while the were cuddling after hooking up. He even sent me the snapchat-memories they took together at dinner that night and I was baffled.
When I got back on my feet and got back to school, I learned how she talked about my private sex-life to all of our common friends and even to her own male friends. She told them everything I ever did, who I slept with throughout my whole life (which was just 3 guys but apparently for her it was enormous) and basically created me a slut-'reputation'. I never understood why and was to ashamed to confront her about it. I acted like none of it affected me when in reality it almost sent me over the edge and made me suicidal.
And when I tried to talk to new guys (for friendship or for flirting), she would always somehow find a way to talk to them too and continue to nourrish that sluttish reputation she created around me, which obviously made the guys uninterested or worst, more interested but for the wrong reasons.
Then covid came and I moved to another city. Thankfully, because of covid I never had to go back in person to school and graduated online !!! I never saw her again and took the opportunity to cut things off completely. I 'broke up' our friendship two years ago by simply stopping initiating conversation with her on social media and declining her latest offer to come spend the night at her house. It felt liberating.
But now... I do have some nostalgia about the '''good''' moments we had together but I also keep reliving all the sadness and shame she made me feel throughout the years. I miss her, or I miss the illusion of a friendship we had, I don't know. I just feel so sad. I had the urge to contact her again to rekindle but I knows it's the worst idea ever and I won't ever do it but idk, i'm just so sad.

So me and my buddy were going customs, we met the goons. he instantly died, while i got 2 of them, Knight and Big Pipe. I know Birdeyes behavior, silent steps and always stays in the back.
I couldnt find him, i got a yellow keycard on Big Pipe but i searched the whole area of Stronghold, Crackhouse, Construction area, Old Gas, i never found Birdeye, not his body either.
any ideas where he couldve been/if he even spawned? lol

I’m starting an educational series on Kundalini Shakti and related topics, to clear up some misconceptions and reduce confusion in this field. This is a crosspost from KundaliniAwakening , but seeing it is relevant to the topics discussed on this subreddit, I thought I’d post it here too, in case anyone’s interested.
I’ll start with a primer on Kundalini itself.

In Hindu philosophy, the outflowing, creative aspect of God is known as Shakti. This Shakti becomes Mahamaya, which is the Grand Illusion, our entire created universe, basically. Mahamaya becomes Prakriti or Mother Nature and gives birth to all living things, hence we often call her the Divine Mother and this Shakti aspect of God is therefore seen as feminine.

In a human body and many other living things, Shakti manifests as Kundalini, which means “coiled”. Symbolically, this energy of creation is depicted as a serpent, coiled three and a half times around itself. It enters the egg upon conception and is responsible for the growth and evolution of a single cell into a many-cell organism, a fetus and then eventually a baby. It not only provides the motive power for life and growth, but is the intelligence behind the development of life itself. It provides the holographic blueprint for it, so to speak. Once the energy had fulfilled its purpose and the growth of the multi-cell organism is well under way and the requisite energy bodies (subtle sheaths or koshas), into which the physical body grows and around which it develops, are fully formed, it retreats into its dormant state and goes to sleep.

In most humans (though we cannot be sure about animals and other intelligent living beings), it remains dormant throughout a person’s life and plays no further role in its life. Over thousands of years, yogis and other mystics have figured out ways by which this energy can be awakened and its immense power of creation be used for beneficial, or in some case harmful purposes. What they have discovered, is that once awakened, this Kundalini Shakti becomes the vehicle for enlightenment and is also responsible for awakening certain psychic and healing powers in the individual, known as siddhis.

Kundalini Shakti rests at the base of the spine, in an energy centre known as muladhara, the root. When awakened, it moves through subtle energy channels, known as Shakti Nadis, the main one of which is located inside the spine, called Sushumna, through which Kundalini usually rises, though other side channels can also be a host for this energy.
Along the spine, there are subtle energy centres, corresponding to nerve clusters, where Kundalini Shakti initiates a cleansing process, bringing up stored memories, trauma and karma (the energetic imprints or memories of past actions and their consequences). Once dealt with, which can take from months to years, the energy moves on to the next centre to continue with the clearing process. Overall, this process can take from years to lifetimes. On the path of yoga, no progress is ever lost, so should someone die before the clearing / purification process is complete, they will continue where they left off in the next life.
In some cases, the energy can shoot straight up the spine and enter the brain, without warning or preparation. This is highly undesirable and can lead to many problems mentally, psychologically and physically. Such spontaneous rising events are usually triggered by trauma, including blunt force trauma to the coccyx, drug use, forced methods of Kundalini activation, or through Shaktipat, when another person passes on their own Shakti energy to someone else, triggering a sudden activation and awakening in them.
The problem with such sudden rising events is that a person needs to go through substantial inner work and purification, before they are ready for the energy to rise all the way to the head and thus trigger a substantial rewiring of the brain and nervous system, which can feel like a complete death and rebirth, as the person will essentially go through psychological growing pains as if they were entirely born again.
In the traditional yogic system, the purification is done by Shakti herself, going gradually from one centre to the next, as she rises. In other systems, such as Kriya Yoga, the purification process is done from the top to the bottom, so that by the time the root is reached, the energy can rise without obstruction and without triggering any negative side effects.
I am simplifying here, as there are many different types of rising, but these are the main ones.
The purpose of Kundalini Shakti and the rising process, is to evolve a human from their current, limited state to a higher one, where they are much more able to fulfil their potential. In the end, it can enable a person to experience enlightenment, to transcend their ego and merge back into source, returning to non-dual consciousness. Basically, these are complicated words to express the simple truth, through Kundalini, one can return home.
Inside us, we all have this feeling, that we don’t quite belong, that there is something greater, better out there, where we come from and where we long to return. This “home” we can all intuitively feel is the collective consciousness or oversoul known as Brahman. That portion of Brahman which we claim as our own is called Atman or Self, but it is a distinction without a difference.
Through Kundalini, we can awaken to our soul’s true purpose, we can become what we were always meant to be and feel “at home” and “whole again”. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless, because they leave us empty, wanting, always longing for more, the real thing.
Only Kundalini is worth pursuing in this life, it is my contention, that we were born and keep getting born, specifically and only to awaken Kundalini and complete its ascent, then integrate it fully into our very energetic and psychic makeup. We will be born again and again until we complete this task, then finally, we can graduate from the school of life (samsara) and as fully mature and self-realised souls we can return home, to the “place” or state of being we all come from.
There is no one way by which this can be achieved, we all have a unique path to follow. One path isn’t better than the rest, it simply is more suited to a given individual. Our paths have all been laid out for us before we were born, I’m certain of that. In most cases, we were given a preview of the coming life and agreed to fulfil it to the best of our abilities. Then, as we go on in life, certain pre-planned milestones and events take us inevitably towards our true purpose. Souls have different maturity levels, so only a small proportion of us are destined to go all the way in this lifetime, but with each life we take a further step towards liberation.

I’m starting an educational series on Kundalini Shakti and related topics, to clear up some misconceptions and reduce confusion in this field. This is a crosspost from KundaliniAwakening , but seeing it is relevant to the topics discussed on this subreddit, I thought I’d post it here too, in case anyone’s interested.
I’ll start with a primer on Kundalini itself.

In Hindu philosophy, the outflowing, creative aspect of God is known as Shakti. This Shakti becomes Mahamaya, which is the Grand Illusion, our entire created universe, basically. Mahamaya becomes Prakriti or Mother Nature and gives birth to all living things, hence we often call her the Divine Mother and this Shakti aspect of God is therefore seen as feminine.

In a human body and many other living things, Shakti manifests as Kundalini, which means “coiled”. Symbolically, this energy of creation is depicted as a serpent, coiled three and a half times around itself. It enters the egg upon conception and is responsible for the growth and evolution of a single cell into a many-cell organism, a fetus and then eventually a baby. It not only provides the motive power for life and growth, but is the intelligence behind the development of life itself. It provides the holographic blueprint for it, so to speak. Once the energy had fulfilled its purpose and the growth of the multi-cell organism is well under way and the requisite energy bodies (subtle sheaths or koshas), into which the physical body grows and around which it develops, are fully formed, it retreats into its dormant state and goes to sleep.

In most humans (though we cannot be sure about animals and other intelligent living beings), it remains dormant throughout a person’s life and plays no further role in its life. Over thousands of years, yogis and other mystics have figured out ways by which this energy can be awakened and its immense power of creation be used for beneficial, or in some case harmful purposes. What they have discovered, is that once awakened, this Kundalini Shakti becomes the vehicle for enlightenment and is also responsible for awakening certain psychic and healing powers in the individual, known as siddhis.

Kundalini Shakti rests at the base of the spine, in an energy centre known as muladhara, the root. When awakened, it moves through subtle energy channels, known as Shakti Nadis, the main one of which is located inside the spine, called Sushumna, through which Kundalini usually rises, though other side channels can also be a host for this energy.
Along the spine, there are subtle energy centres, corresponding to nerve clusters, where Kundalini Shakti initiates a cleansing process, bringing up stored memories, trauma and karma (the energetic imprints or memories of past actions and their consequences). Once dealt with, which can take from months to years, the energy moves on to the next centre to continue with the clearing process. Overall, this process can take from years to lifetimes. On the path of yoga, no progress is ever lost, so should someone die before the clearing / purification process is complete, they will continue where they left off in the next life.
In some cases, the energy can shoot straight up the spine and enter the brain, without warning or preparation. This is highly undesirable and can lead to many problems mentally, psychologically and physically. Such spontaneous rising events are usually triggered by trauma, including blunt force trauma to the coccyx, drug use, forced methods of Kundalini activation, or through Shaktipat, when another person passes on their own Shakti energy to someone else, triggering a sudden activation and awakening in them.
The problem with such sudden rising events is that a person needs to go through substantial inner work and purification, before they are ready for the energy to rise all the way to the head and thus trigger a substantial rewiring of the brain and nervous system, which can feel like a complete death and rebirth, as the person will essentially go through psychological growing pains as if they were entirely born again.
In the traditional yogic system, the purification is done by Shakti herself, going gradually from one centre to the next, as she rises. In other systems, such as Kriya Yoga, the purification process is done from the top to the bottom, so that by the time the root is reached, the energy can rise without obstruction and without triggering any negative side effects.
I am simplifying here, as there are many different types of rising, but these are the main ones.
The purpose of Kundalini Shakti and the rising process, is to evolve a human from their current, limited state to a higher one, where they are much more able to fulfil their potential. In the end, it can enable a person to experience enlightenment, to transcend their ego and merge back into source, returning to non-dual consciousness. Basically, these are complicated words to express the simple truth, through Kundalini, one can return home.
Inside us, we all have this feeling, that we don’t quite belong, that there is something greater, better out there, where we come from and where we long to return. This “home” we can all intuitively feel is the collective consciousness or oversoul known as Brahman. That portion of Brahman which we claim as our own is called Atman or Self, but it is a distinction without a difference.
Through Kundalini, we can awaken to our soul’s true purpose, we can become what we were always meant to be and feel “at home” and “whole again”. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless, because they leave us empty, wanting, always longing for more, the real thing.
Only Kundalini is worth pursuing in this life, it is my contention, that we were born and keep getting born, specifically and only to awaken Kundalini and complete its ascent, then integrate it fully into our very energetic and psychic makeup. We will be born again and again until we complete this task, then finally, we can graduate from the school of life (samsara) and as fully mature and self-realised souls we can return home, to the “place” or state of being we all come from.
There is no one way by which this can be achieved, we all have a unique path to follow. One path isn’t better than the rest, it simply is more suited to a given individual. Our paths have all been laid out for us before we were born, I’m certain of that. In most cases, we were given a preview of the coming life and agreed to fulfil it to the best of our abilities. Then, as we go on in life, certain pre-planned milestones and events take us inevitably towards our true purpose. Souls have different maturity levels, so only a small proportion of us are destined to go all the way in this lifetime, but with each life we take a further step towards liberation.

I discovered booze at 16 and jumped in full-force. In many ways, I’ve stayed functional — I’ve never drank in the mornings, never gotten a DUI, never lost friends or family due to to my alcohol use. I can go a day or two without drinking, and I’ve never had withdrawals. What’s the big deal, right?
I also drank ALMOST daily, struggled to stick to “just a few,” obsessed over drinking at events, spent most weekends hungover. Drunk me cried and wallowed in self-hate. Blackout me yelled and picked fights with my husband (fights he forgave me for, thank god).
Last October, at age 32, I finally quit. For 6 whole months! …Then, a few weeks ago, “moderation” reared its ugly head.
“It’s been ages, I’ll be fine!!!! I mean, if I wasn’t fine, I couldn’t do the 6 months?? I’ll definitely be able to moderate now, I obviously just needed a reset!!! Honestly I DESERVE it for all the hard work I’ve put in.”
My tolerance is now much lower, so the alcohol obviously hits harder. One night, after a particularly tough day at work, I had two glasses of red wine. (Just two glasses! Look, I’m moderating!)
As I lay in bed, I felt a familiar feeling. My head was heavy, my mind was foggy. I began to drift from myself. I wanted to leave my body, my brain, my being behind. I wanted to run from the beautiful life I’ve created — to quietly self destruct until I severed my home and my family and my community. I wanted to walk off the edge of the world. I wanted to cease to exist—not as an act of violence towards myself, but as an inevitable end to a life I don’t feel I deserve. I wanted to sink into the abyss and never, ever come out.
The next morning, I realized — during my 6 months of sobriety, I never once experienced that feeling.
Anxiety? Often. Depression? Occasionally. But that horrible, self-hating, dissociative gloom? Not even once.
Is this the “moderation” I’ve been chasing? Because, in the sobering light of day, it really doesn’t seem worth it.
IWNDWYT

I’m starting an educational series on Kundalini Shakti and related topics, to clear up some misconceptions and reduce confusion in this field. This is a crosspost from KundaliniAwakening , but seeing it is relevant to the topics discussed on this subreddit, I thought I’d post it here too, in case anyone’s interested.
I’ll start with a primer on Kundalini itself.

In Hindu philosophy, the outflowing, creative aspect of God is known as Shakti. This Shakti becomes Mahamaya, which is the Grand Illusion, our entire created universe, basically. Mahamaya becomes Prakriti or Mother Nature and gives birth to all living things, hence we often call her the Divine Mother and this Shakti aspect of God is therefore seen as feminine.

In a human body and many other living things, Shakti manifests as Kundalini, which means “coiled”. Symbolically, this energy of creation is depicted as a serpent, coiled three and a half times around itself. It enters the egg upon conception and is responsible for the growth and evolution of a single cell into a many-cell organism, a fetus and then eventually a baby. It not only provides the motive power for life and growth, but is the intelligence behind the development of life itself. It provides the holographic blueprint for it, so to speak. Once the energy had fulfilled its purpose and the growth of the multi-cell organism is well under way and the requisite energy bodies (subtle sheaths or koshas), into which the physical body grows and around which it develops, are fully formed, it retreats into its dormant state and goes to sleep.

In most humans (though we cannot be sure about animals and other intelligent living beings), it remains dormant throughout a person’s life and plays no further role in its life. Over thousands of years, yogis and other mystics have figured out ways by which this energy can be awakened and its immense power of creation be used for beneficial, or in some case harmful purposes. What they have discovered, is that once awakened, this Kundalini Shakti becomes the vehicle for enlightenment and is also responsible for awakening certain psychic and healing powers in the individual, known as siddhis.

Kundalini Shakti rests at the base of the spine, in an energy centre known as muladhara, the root. When awakened, it moves through subtle energy channels, known as Shakti Nadis, the main one of which is located inside the spine, called Sushumna, through which Kundalini usually rises, though other side channels can also be a host for this energy.
Along the spine, there are subtle energy centres, corresponding to nerve clusters, where Kundalini Shakti initiates a cleansing process, bringing up stored memories, trauma and karma (the energetic imprints or memories of past actions and their consequences). Once dealt with, which can take from months to years, the energy moves on to the next centre to continue with the clearing process. Overall, this process can take from years to lifetimes. On the path of yoga, no progress is ever lost, so should someone die before the clearing / purification process is complete, they will continue where they left off in the next life.
In some cases, the energy can shoot straight up the spine and enter the brain, without warning or preparation. This is highly undesirable and can lead to many problems mentally, psychologically and physically. Such spontaneous rising events are usually triggered by trauma, including blunt force trauma to the coccyx, drug use, forced methods of Kundalini activation, or through Shaktipat, when another person passes on their own Shakti energy to someone else, triggering a sudden activation and awakening in them.
The problem with such sudden rising events is that a person needs to go through substantial inner work and purification, before they are ready for the energy to rise all the way to the head and thus trigger a substantial rewiring of the brain and nervous system, which can feel like a complete death and rebirth, as the person will essentially go through psychological growing pains as if they were entirely born again.
In the traditional yogic system, the purification is done by Shakti herself, going gradually from one centre to the next, as she rises. In other systems, such as Kriya Yoga, the purification process is done from the top to the bottom, so that by the time the root is reached, the energy can rise without obstruction and without triggering any negative side effects.
I am simplifying here, as there are many different types of rising, but these are the main ones.
The purpose of Kundalini Shakti and the rising process, is to evolve a human from their current, limited state to a higher one, where they are much more able to fulfil their potential. In the end, it can enable a person to experience enlightenment, to transcend their ego and merge back into source, returning to non-dual consciousness. Basically, these are complicated words to express the simple truth, through Kundalini, one can return home.
Inside us, we all have this feeling, that we don’t quite belong, that there is something greater, better out there, where we come from and where we long to return. This “home” we can all intuitively feel is the collective consciousness or oversoul known as Brahman. That portion of Brahman which we claim as our own is called Atman or Self, but it is a distinction without a difference.
Through Kundalini, we can awaken to our soul’s true purpose, we can become what we were always meant to be and feel “at home” and “whole again”. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless, because they leave us empty, wanting, always longing for more, the real thing.
Only Kundalini is worth pursuing in this life, it is my contention, that we were born and keep getting born, specifically and only to awaken Kundalini and complete its ascent, then integrate it fully into our very energetic and psychic makeup. We will be born again and again until we complete this task, then finally, we can graduate from the school of life (samsara) and as fully mature and self-realised souls we can return home, to the “place” or state of being we all come from.
There is no one way by which this can be achieved, we all have a unique path to follow. One path isn’t better than the rest, it simply is more suited to a given individual. Our paths have all been laid out for us before we were born, I’m certain of that. In most cases, we were given a preview of the coming life and agreed to fulfil it to the best of our abilities. Then, as we go on in life, certain pre-planned milestones and events take us inevitably towards our true purpose. Souls have different maturity levels, so only a small proportion of us are destined to go all the way in this lifetime, but with each life we take a further step towards liberation.

I’m starting an educational series on Kundalini Shakti and related topics, to clear up some misconceptions and reduce confusion in this field. This is a crosspost from KundaliniAwakening , but seeing it is relevant to the topics discussed on this subreddit, I thought I’d post it here too, in case anyone’s interested.
I’ll start with a primer on Kundalini itself.

In Hindu philosophy, the outflowing, creative aspect of God is known as Shakti. This Shakti becomes Mahamaya, which is the Grand Illusion, our entire created universe, basically. Mahamaya becomes Prakriti or Mother Nature and gives birth to all living things, hence we often call her the Divine Mother and this Shakti aspect of God is therefore seen as feminine.

In a human body and many other living things, Shakti manifests as Kundalini, which means “coiled”. Symbolically, this energy of creation is depicted as a serpent, coiled three and a half times around itself. It enters the egg upon conception and is responsible for the growth and evolution of a single cell into a many-cell organism, a fetus and then eventually a baby. It not only provides the motive power for life and growth, but is the intelligence behind the development of life itself. It provides the holographic blueprint for it, so to speak. Once the energy had fulfilled its purpose and the growth of the multi-cell organism is well under way and the requisite energy bodies (subtle sheaths or koshas), into which the physical body grows and around which it develops, are fully formed, it retreats into its dormant state and goes to sleep.

In most humans (though we cannot be sure about animals and other intelligent living beings), it remains dormant throughout a person’s life and plays no further role in its life. Over thousands of years, yogis and other mystics have figured out ways by which this energy can be awakened and its immense power of creation be used for beneficial, or in some case harmful purposes. What they have discovered, is that once awakened, this Kundalini Shakti becomes the vehicle for enlightenment and is also responsible for awakening certain psychic and healing powers in the individual, known as siddhis.

Kundalini Shakti rests at the base of the spine, in an energy centre known as muladhara, the root. When awakened, it moves through subtle energy channels, known as Shakti Nadis, the main one of which is located inside the spine, called Sushumna, through which Kundalini usually rises, though other side channels can also be a host for this energy.
Along the spine, there are subtle energy centres, corresponding to nerve clusters, where Kundalini Shakti initiates a cleansing process, bringing up stored memories, trauma and karma (the energetic imprints or memories of past actions and their consequences). Once dealt with, which can take from months to years, the energy moves on to the next centre to continue with the clearing process. Overall, this process can take from years to lifetimes. On the path of yoga, no progress is ever lost, so should someone die before the clearing / purification process is complete, they will continue where they left off in the next life.
In some cases, the energy can shoot straight up the spine and enter the brain, without warning or preparation. This is highly undesirable and can lead to many problems mentally, psychologically and physically. Such spontaneous rising events are usually triggered by trauma, including blunt force trauma to the coccyx, drug use, forced methods of Kundalini activation, or through Shaktipat, when another person passes on their own Shakti energy to someone else, triggering a sudden activation and awakening in them.
The problem with such sudden rising events is that a person needs to go through substantial inner work and purification, before they are ready for the energy to rise all the way to the head and thus trigger a substantial rewiring of the brain and nervous system, which can feel like a complete death and rebirth, as the person will essentially go through psychological growing pains as if they were entirely born again.
In the traditional yogic system, the purification is done by Shakti herself, going gradually from one centre to the next, as she rises. In other systems, such as Kriya Yoga, the purification process is done from the top to the bottom, so that by the time the root is reached, the energy can rise without obstruction and without triggering any negative side effects.
I am simplifying here, as there are many different types of rising, but these are the main ones.
The purpose of Kundalini Shakti and the rising process, is to evolve a human from their current, limited state to a higher one, where they are much more able to fulfil their potential. In the end, it can enable a person to experience enlightenment, to transcend their ego and merge back into source, returning to non-dual consciousness. Basically, these are complicated words to express the simple truth, through Kundalini, one can return home.
Inside us, we all have this feeling, that we don’t quite belong, that there is something greater, better out there, where we come from and where we long to return. This “home” we can all intuitively feel is the collective consciousness or oversoul known as Brahman. That portion of Brahman which we claim as our own is called Atman or Self, but it is a distinction without a difference.
Through Kundalini, we can awaken to our soul’s true purpose, we can become what we were always meant to be and feel “at home” and “whole again”. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless, because they leave us empty, wanting, always longing for more, the real thing.
Only Kundalini is worth pursuing in this life, it is my contention, that we were born and keep getting born, specifically and only to awaken Kundalini and complete its ascent, then integrate it fully into our very energetic and psychic makeup. We will be born again and again until we complete this task, then finally, we can graduate from the school of life (samsara) and as fully mature and self-realised souls we can return home, to the “place” or state of being we all come from.
There is no one way by which this can be achieved, we all have a unique path to follow. One path isn’t better than the rest, it simply is more suited to a given individual. Our paths have all been laid out for us before we were born, I’m certain of that. In most cases, we were given a preview of the coming life and agreed to fulfil it to the best of our abilities. Then, as we go on in life, certain pre-planned milestones and events take us inevitably towards our true purpose. Souls have different maturity levels, so only a small proportion of us are destined to go all the way in this lifetime, but with each life we take a further step towards liberation.