Raat mein saali

Till 10th I was a good student like padhai mei bhi accha and all phir aise hi boards mei (state board) 91% ke saath socha tha arts lunga (ias Officer ban na tha ) but Ghar walo ne science pe laga diya Doctor banna padhega bolke, phir aise hi maine bhi socha doctor baan ke baad mei ias ke liye choose kar lunga, then phir start hua mera life ka downfall. I choosed a private college with a good reputation (nam nhi lunga) and many good students like state toppers etc. so humlog ka class, boards results ke lakbhag 10 din baad hi start ho gya tha, lekin mein late join karlia tha like 1 - 2months late (kyuki tab mei arts/science kaunsa loo chakkar mei phas gya tha) aur hamare classes like bohut aage chalegye, mein like blank kuch bhi samaj nhi aarha tha like teaches sab 11th ke motion in plane Tak pauch gya the aur muje tabtak units and dimensions bhi nhi aata tha. Phir aisehi mera 11th chala gya with 0 knowledge kuch bhi nhi aata tha like 0 Bhai 0 aur hostel mei rehta tha toh wah bhi utna padhai ka patner guide wagera nhi tha. And Ghar walo se pressure itna tha (because we are lower middle class ) ki acche institution ke bawajut tuje kuch nhi aata etc. and aisehi mera 11th barbaad ho gya, jab board aaya 11th ke mera percentage around 32 huwa aur school walo ne jaise taise pass kar wa Diya nhi toh 11th pe hi fail ho jata, phir Ghar walo nhi din raat pressure dena start kya, like kya hoga tera tu kuch nhi kar sakta etc. And 12th mei jab Aya toh meine socha liya tha acche se padhunga and all and was everything was going right mere marks bhi tode tode improve huwe like bohot mehnat kya bohot and like test marks bhi improve hone lage tution bhi laya liya tha. Phir jab 12th ke beech Wale din I got myself into a trouble. I fell in love with a girl (online) hum dono ke thoughts taste music and all same hone ke karan ek dusre se pyaar ho gya tha and like later I realised woh toh alag hi tha like usse baat karne ke liye mein apna padhai aadha adhura chor deta tha(kyuki usko sirf ek limited time phone milta tha and like mere padhai ke time hi milta tha aur baaki ke team ya toh mei tution jata ya toh woh) phirse mera marks girne suru ho gaya because of lack of time in studies and then aisehi days went by like I managed somehow todha marks kaam ho jata phirbhi i sticked to her and then aisehi karte karte mera boards aayga , and also I thought I was ready for everything, but ek or unfortunate event ho gya, wo ladki apne ex ke saath phirse chaligyi in between my boards exam she broke up with me (like she was with me for just time pass? Kya woh sab baatein was waste?) and uske wajah se mera boards bhi kharab ho gya kyuki usko time Dena padta tha and as result mere issaal ke boards pe 78 percentage ho gya 😭😭 how i am supposed to do now? My parents don't know a thing about this all they are just putting pressure like you don't want to study, tuje padhai karne nhi dega abse tu kaam karne jayega , etc kuch din pehle neet and jee ka exam Diya tha jo ladka 11th mei 0 tha woh neet ke kuch din pehle pure bio and physics ko 2 baar padh dala and uska expected score aa rha hai around 374 and maths aur physics karke (chemistry weak mera) jee mei uska aaya tha around 73 percentile aaya tha. And now the question is do I deserve it? Do I deserve a chance for the next year. A drop is it will be worth it? Kya mei woh kar paunga ? The pain in me is always hitting me guys please help I just want to kms parents ke expectations the acche karge but nhi ab boj ban gya hu ab toh woh unlog ko dekhne se bhi bura lagta hai😭 guys please help suggest me what should I do ? Should I just kms? I can't handle anymore failures

We are so fucking back, Idk kya depression mein padh gya raat ko, feeling a lot more confident, Was down playing kitna prep mein actually kiya h. Sab bc phodo aaj ka exam. All the very fucking best y’all 💯💯

mere literally 70s mei aa rahe even though i studied quite a bit and questions bhi kare hai but its always those silly mistake anyways i am done bhai already in logo ne centre ka itna stress dediya hai and why are they changing it like every 2 hours
meine 5 baje check kiya toh ek centre dikha raha tha by chance reddit post dekha toh abb centre badal gaya mei abb raat tak printout bhi nahi nikalwa sakta ki kab badal de
life is getting more and more fucked

Why can't these people go anywhere on time?? Yeh saba jab bhi mall jati hai to shop something, toh hamesha mall band hone ke time hi jaati hai.. I have observed it so many times.. Bhagam bhag hi karte hai hamesha.. Can't they leave their house a little early? Jaake aaramse clothes n accessories select kar sakte hai.. Bt no!! Inko toh raat mein 9 baje hi shopping jana hota hai.. Pata nahi subah se kya karte rehte hai😏🙄?

Aaj mere best friend ka birthday tha, mei dummy student hu lekin aaj mere coaching ki chutti thi toh soocha 11th mei pehle baar school chala jao. Meine phone par baat kari school ke management se aur mujhe aane ki permission mil gayi thi par jab school bus mere ghar ke samne khadi thi aur mere hi interzaar kar rahi thi mujhe mere papa inshara de kar bulate hai aur kehte hai, school ke principle ne aane se mana kardiya hai(bkl sali). Haar din jab mei meri coaching ki van ka intezaar karta hu toh mujhe bus jaate hua dikhti hai par jaa nahi sakta school aur dosto se mil nahi sakta.
10vi ka result aaya ahr mere main 5 me 93 bane aur best five mei 94.4 par koi khushi nahi hai kyoki ye marks kuch nahi kehte. mere awaare classmate jisne baas last mahine mei answers raate maar diye uske lag bhagh mere jitni hi aa rahe hai. Mujhe marks se problem nahi hai but meri problem hai ki meine jo marks laane ke liye saal bhar dil lagakar padha aur chizo ko samajne ki kohshis kari out of genuine curiosity and passion of learning, uska koi outcome nahi tha. Mere parivaar wale bohot khush hai lekin mujhe koi khushi nahi ho rahi. Also i know acche marks aaye hai par jitne expect kare the utne nahi aa rahe. ss mei 99 hai, english mei 90 science mei 89, aur maths mei 91, pata nahi kya galat likha tha. ek toh meri handwritings aids dene wali hai aur presentation raadi hai uska kuch aasar hoga, but it doesnt matter and shouldnt really think about it.

Aaj mere best friend ka birthday tha, mei dummy student hu lekin aaj mere coaching ki chutti thi toh soocha 11th mei pehle baar school chala jao. Meine phone par baat kari school ke management se aur mujhe aane ki permission mil gayi thi par jab school bus mere ghar ke samne khadi thi aur mere hi interzaar kar rahi thi mujhe mere papa inshara de kar bulate hai aur kehte hai, school ke principle ne aane se mana kardiya hai(bkl sali). Haar din jab mei meri coaching ki van ka intezaar karta hu toh mujhe bus jaate hua dikhti hai par jaa nahi sakta school aur dosto se mil nahi sakta.
10vi ka result aaya ahr mere main 5 me 93 bane aur best five mei 94.4 par koi khushi nahi hai kyoki ye marks kuch nahi kehte. mere awaare classmate jisne baas last mahine mei answers raate maar diye uske lag bhagh mere jitni hi aa rahe hai. Mujhe marks se problem nahi hai but meri problem hai ki meine jo marks laane ke liye saal bhar dil lagakar padha aur chizo ko samajne ki kohshis kari out of genuine curiosity and passion of learning, uska koi outcome nahi tha. Mere parivaar wale bohot khush hai lekin mujhe koi khushi nahi ho rahi. Also i know acche marks aaye hai par jitne expect kare the utne nahi aa rahe. ss mei 99 hai, english mei 90 science mei 89, aur maths mei 91, pata nahi kya galat likha tha. ek toh meri handwritings aids dene wali hai aur presentation raadi hai uska kuch aasar hoga, but it doesnt matter and shouldnt really think about it.

So aaj boards ka result aaya and guess what my stupid ass scored 78.8 percentage (with highest in biology 82 like wtf jabki mein jee ki so called prep kar raha hu
kal pw ka jo short test diya tha us mein 96/96 aaye 10 baje result aaya maa baap full khush ki chalo thoda sa hi sahi par comeback to ho raha hai (not judging my test but they judged my seriousness)
fir madarchod result aa gaya aur papa thoda gussa ho gaye even told me a waste ( I am not blaming my father and pliz don't type you don't deserve him and all those bullshit bro just stfu and don't judge my family from this single line and my perspective)
par fir jab shaam ko thoda eavesdrop kara to suna ki papa bole ki chicken le aaye kya but my mom denied it saying ki aaj somvaar hai (my family are all shivbhakts and they say i was blessed with three marks on my forehead full badassery)
Physics : 26 question diye the 17 ho gaye baaki nahi bane even tho fight pura kiya
Chemistry : Bawaal chiz padhi be Fe0.93O wali chiz majaa aagaya hands down the best class
Maths : jaisa chal raha hai aur haa sir ne aaj se quad eqn start kara
aaj bhot kam self study hui aur raat ko jagkar apne notes + maths ke hw attempt karunga

its gonna be a long trauma dump.
im 19f, appeared in 12th this year, this would be my first drop. vaise to iss sun pe lurker rehti thi, aaj laga maybe kuch bol hi du to atleast relief rahega kisko dhang se bataya to. vaise to life meri bekar nhi hai overall dekha jaye to. yaha pe logo ka padho bc achhi lagne lagti hai life, and phir agle din vahi rr.
i was five almost, jb mere nana ne pehli baar mujhe touch kiya tha. mummy papa ka office rehta tha and bhaiya ka school to akele chhodne ki jagah nana ko bula lete the vo log ki mera dhyaan rakhe. achha dhyan rakhe the (apna lolzzz). now that i think about the movements and the way he'd shake afterwards, pyare nanaji was most probably cumming in his dhoti holding his five year old granddaughter on his thigh. (i mean, ladke shayad better jaane, kabhi kisi se detail mein puchha nhi iss baare mein. after it had got some action and y'all are ejaculating, do you guys like, freeze for a bit a breathe hard? agar nhi to im sorry for the wrong allegations). anyways that happened for a while. uske baad ka mujhe kuch yaad nhi. tbh ye bhi nhi yaad tha, until 3-4 saal pehle jb i read a similar scene in a book and ye yaad aaya phir shock mein chali gayi. had two beautiful frnds jinko bataya iss baare mein and they tried to help me out as best as they could. andar se ye bhi lagta tha ki mummy ko kabhi pata bhi chala to nahi manengi, isiliye parents se thoda grudge rehta tha and ladti jhagadati rehti thi.
fast forward to present, mai apne best friend ke saath relationship mein aa gayi and slowly but surely, he made a great impact on my relationship with my family. like uski uske parents ke saath achhe relations hain and ladka bhi sahi hai (haa pyar krti hu usse, mar jaungi ek din) to convince kr liya mujhe ki mere parents bhi pasand krte hain mujhe. and tb se mere relations meri family ke saath significantly improve hue. i even started to trust them.
to kya hai na, mummy and nana ki jamti nhi hai (he's neither a good husband nor a good father), isiliye mummy unse baat nhi krti. ek din recently mummy unhi ke baare mein upset thi and maine mummy se bol diya ki "uss aadmi se to mujhe nafrat hai. royi hu bestfriend ko batate hue" and mummy was like mujhe batao but mana kar di ki abhi nhi.
agle din she came to me and said ki unhe raat mein neend nhi aa rahi thi ye sochte hue ki aisa unhone kya kar diya ki I don't trust her but trust my frnds? phir bohot bolne pe mai unhe puri baat bata di (utni detail mein nhi obviously) and she was very supportive. boli ki "maa baap important hote hain par bachcho se zyada nhi. mai to vaise bhi unhe ghar na bulati but ab to sawal hi nhi uthata. shakal nhi dekhungi unki". and mai apne room mein aake rone lagi ki maine apni maa ko galat samjha ki vo mujhpe yakeen nhi karengi.
then agle din, i think jb mai ghar pe nhi thi tb mummy bhaiya ko ye baat batayi and he told her abt how once i confessed to him i was a lesbian (bisexual boli thi but lauda hai), and pata nhi kaise, mummy ko convince kr doya ki im making this whole story up for sympathy and to seem cool.
mummy aayi and mujhse boli ki "tum jo batayi ho, vo sach mein hua hai ya jo tum ghatiya books padhti ho, uski vajah se dimag mein baitha li ho ki mere saath bhi kuch galat hua hai?" and phir asked me abt that lesbian wala and told me ki inhi sab vajah se my face has lost its innocence and mai kuch nahi kar paayi hu. kaise i didn't deserve the marks i got in boards and sabka entrance exam tha but sab ek event mein aa rahe the but tumne kuch padha nhi tha isiliye nhi aayi (true but jisko neet dena hota vo aise bhi na aata). and how she feels ashamed and unsafe to go out with me varna i would wander off with "bhaiya log". that other girls of my age look smart and innocent and good even of they're fat. and gori ladkiyo ka chehra nhi pink hai, but you have yellowish tone and you never look smart, tumhare andar vo cheez hi nhi. she ended her speech with, "tumhari vajah se maine apne baap ko galat samjha. agar tum jhoote ilzam laga rahi ho to uska anjam dikhega." and then very lightly said, as if she didn't believe it, "aur agar mere baap ne kuch kiya hoga to bhagwan batayenge."
since that day, i haven't been able to look at my family the same way. the love, trust and respect i had for them seems gone. uss din ke baad mummy achhe se baa ki but bhul nhi paa rahi unn words ko. isse pehle bhi aisa bohot kuch boli hain vo jo bura laga tha but ye Dil tod diya. i can't believe my first heartbreak is from my mother itself.
isse pehle bhi she'd questioned my character. mai maanti hu, mai chutiye bachchi thi. nhi samjhti thi kuch. school bus mein achhe bhaiya log mile the to sabko achha samajhti thi and apne age ke logo se ghul mil nhi paati thi. isiliye almost got tricked by a senior jo uss time 11th mein the (i was in 6th, koi dost nhi tha to attention ki bhukhi rehti thi). uske liye mummy branded me as "characterless". I WAS IN SIXTH, NHI PATA THA MUJHE KUCH. phir ek baar humlog kahi gaye the and mummy dusri seat pe chali gayi mujhko leke jbki meri dost pichhe ki seat pe thi. i tried going to her to uss time to mummy bas gusse se dekhi but ghar aake boli ki how im such a bad daughter, achhe ghaf ki ladkiya sirf apne mummy papa ke paas rehti hain but tumko to matakna rehta hai. tumhare jaisi ladkiyo ko characterless rehte hain, kisi ki nhi hoti hain. (this was in class 9th).
ho sakta hai mai apna side leke dekh rahi hu isiliye mai khud ko sahi samajh rahi. but galti kya ki maine ye to koi achhe se explain karo???
recent ye nana wala batane ke baad to bas yahi manati hu roz bhagwan se ki maar daale mujhe. sach nata rahi, jb dekhega na koi sirf meri mummy papa aur bhaiya ko saath mein, to itne perfect lagte hain. and mai manhoos ki yarah aa jaati hu beech mein. (mumma thinks ki mera chehra normal rehne pe mahoos lagta hai, i should be smiling har samay varna apni life barbaad ke dungi aisi shakal bana ke).
marne ka ya relapse krne ka (i used to self harm) roz mann krta hai, but apni best friend aur apne bf ke baare mein sochke ruk jaati hu. sach mein doni pagal pyaar krte hain mujhse. bestfriend ki life already laudi ho rakhi hai, aur nhi pareshan krna, bf ki life mein pehle hi bohot trauma the, ab badhane ka mann nhi. i promised him I'd helo him heal.
ab 15 aur 16 ko cuet hai but padha nhi hai kuch and pata nhi kaise niklega. nikalka bhi zaruri hai varna home life aur fucked up ho jaayegi plus ghar se niklungi to insabme dimag nhi lagega.
samajh nhi aa raha kaise padhu ab, aakhiri din bacha hai, sab kuch padha hai but revise krna hai. idk bhai, higheay sach mein sundar lagne laga hai (srsly)
edit: aaj matashree ko therapy de rahi thi. and pata chala she has shit communication skills and she meant to say ki hopefully ye sab mera vehem hai but boldi kuch aur. and batayi mumma bhaiya bhi bola ho sakta hai vehem ho but he cried when he first heard it. matashree se phir ladi khub ki baat nhi krne aata achhe se ro rahi hu kb se. tumlogo ke comments+ mummy se baat krke jo relief Mila hai na, thankyou yaar. literally verge of suicide se happy kr diye ho.

Funniest date in my life lol. So met this girl on bumble after breakup with my ex was desperate to be in relationship. So talked to her on vc and exchanged numbers talked for almost a 1 week.
Decided to go on a date , selected a chill cafe and decided to met there at 8.00 pm today. So i dressed up and went there waited for 5 min she entered the cafe and after her a huge man, like HUGE. Vo gate mein bhi atak sa raha tha lol.
She came to my seat and said "Yeh mera best friend hai. Raat ho rakhi hai to safety ke liye insko saath layi hoon. If you dont mind". I said "Nahi, koi baat nahi yeh hamare saath baitega". She said "He will sit on that table at the back". So i nodded..
After some time we started talking about our hobbies and anime which we talked a lot about in chat. But the bouncer guy was looking straight at me like vo eye contact ek dum glaring vala bana raha tha. Sala Motaa gubbara ghura hi ja raha tha. He was hugeee like i am 6'3" he was atleast 6' but twice as wide as me.
So uncomfortably talked with her while he eye me down. And she complimented my hair and touched them. I have long hair but as soon as she started touching my hair. Bouncer stood up as looked at me in rage. Like Rage. So i told her to stop touching and bouncer bhai sat down after that.
She then showed me her nails as i tried to compliment them she passed her hand to me. I grabbed it and as soon as i grabbed it gubbara stoodup and started walking towards us. I was not scared but ready ki iski ankh mein namak dal dunga phir dhakka de dunga isko. Mota sala uth bhi nahi payega.
He came closer i picked up the salt then the girl pulled her hand cause i was distracted. Mota vapis jane laga. Not to body shame anyone but he was about to kill me there. So yeah after that refrained from touching her. Finished my food and asked if she want to go dutch. She agreed and we went home. Blocked her as soon as i reached home.
Edit- She was soo nice of a girl. A huge green flag. I didn't understand why she did that cause this never happens even in anybody's wildest dream.

Yaaar this is just a vent u dont need to read it mei sabse jhut bol bol ke thak gyi huu ab bus ab sab sach likhna hai akhri baar So meri journey chalu hoti hai 9th se mummy ek din aise hi puchti hai konsi stream legi and i had no idea about it matlab ye sab cheezo ke baare mei pata hi nahi tha never ever cared to know about aage ka, meine kahan pata nahi dekhenge bhai ne bola arts le lena and mummy ne gusse se bola arts nahi legi ki wo option hi nahi hai and i am a very rebellious kid thus fir mei bhi bolne lagi ki haa arts mei kya problem hai blah blah but then 10th end ho gya and mera confusion bohot jyada badh gya i could not choose between sci,comm,arts i just couldnt say ki ye ek cheez karni hai my thinking was ki abhi tk inme se kuch try nahi kiya toh choose kaise karu it was also related to guilt nahi chahiye future mei so bohot bohot socha aur fir mummy ne bola sci safe option agar accha nahi laga to "stream switch" wala bahana diya and i was okay with it kyunki i couldnt choose then waise mujhe maths bohot pasand tha school se hi so 2nd reason mummy ka ye tha, then started 11th mei bohot serious thi ki jo bhi karungi best banungi ussme so isiliye i had decided i will give my 100% if not enough 200%, starting mei achhe se religiously padha marks bhi theek thak the the problem that happened in start was mei chutiya coaching mei chali gyi the problem was with the crowd it was so dumb and not serious, mere marks theek thak the fir bhi meri class mei rank 5-6 thi imagine and ye sirf start mei nahi hua pure do saal yahi hota raha mei gande marks laati thi but fir bhi wo mere peers se better the toh mei delusion mei rahi ki i am also topper jab ki mei nahi thi, 11th saare lecs attend kiya did not even miss a single lec and carefully listened all of them then aaya 12th it kind of gave me reality check ki mei kahi stand nahi karti and i aggressively started solving diff types of books like literally dc pandey hc verma and sbt ke ques karti thi of the same chap but again the problem was saare nahi kar paati thi only some sums i used to do and never did it in time bound manner, still uk what i got selected in the toppers batch i wasnt even a topper T_T it was just relatively i was better than my classmates for eg; mujhe mains wale mock mei 139 aaye the toh baaki ko 120-100 range mei so ofc i was not good but i was just better than others, ab iss toppers batch mei aane ke baad aukat pata chali i was constantly scoring less marks generally i was the 2nd last or last in the list eventually i got removed from it baadme aaya october syllabus was over and i was all set ki revision karungi oct mei and then mocks from nov onwards meine toh test series bhi le liye the allen and fitjee ke, but my procrastination kicked it i stopped studying uske baad classes bhi band ho gye the so puri tareeke se padhai band hogyi thi i mean ek sec bhi padhna chhod diya tha meine mujhe fomo hone laga tha kyunki literally i had given up on living life for 2 years meine padhai ke alawa kuch nahi kiya na movie dekhi na logo se baat ki na khelne gyi na kuch celebrate kiya no functions nothing pura isolate kar diya tha and one day mere friend ne status pe rakha tha ki uska bday hai and i was baffled kyunki mujhe toh yaad tha ki abhi kuch dino/mahino pehele hua tha naa 1 saal kaise hogya and that moment changed me, mujhe kuch jyaaddaaaa hi fomo hone lag gya tha i thought ki mei kya baat karungi logo se ki jab badi ho jaaungi mujhe toh pata hi nahi hoga kya hua inn do saalo mei(tabhi mujhe ye realise ho raha tha ki ye baate itni imp nahi hai but my inner self could not accept it it was enough for her) so meine movies dekhna chalu kar diya literally koi bhi bakwas si movie jo bhi youtube pe available ho kyunki mere pass koi prime ya netflix nahi tha then it was dec mei pura dec fifr movies and yt shorts scroll karte rehe gyi then jan same routine drr hi nhi lag raha tha mujhe idk whyy, kuch ig 3 din bacche the mere 1st attempt ko i started to get scarred i started to revise everything day and night mains ke pehele puri raat soyi nahi revise kar rahi thi and then gave mains got 75%tile and the main thing is nobody knows all this stuff thats happening they think i gave my 100% but the truth is i gave up in the end i didnt try at all in the last, then came the bad news uk what i started to watch porn yaa i am fully wasted person, so backstory i was introduced to porn by my friend in school and i told her i will never watch it and dusre dost ne bola tha ki wo mujhe porn dikha ke rahega and i used to tell him it wil never happen but unfortunately it did happen and the problem with it was it entered in my life at wrong time i was already lonely and miserable and thats why i started watching porn starting mei it wasnt addiction but lately it has started to affect me badly meine mains ke baad naa hi boards ke liye padha naa hi second attempt ke liye and i have not revised since so many months just counted 6 months i have not studied a single thing, i have no college and i have no backup, parents ameer bhi nahi hai naa hi business hai humara i am fucked in life i blame myself for it fully i deserve all the loneliness and isolation i am a toxic person who should not live i cant do one thing properly i cant control myself i cant do anything i dont have any talents but i do have many things that interests me but i have no hope from life currently, was suicidal rn so thought i could vent out all and feel lighter and yes i am feeling lighter idk kya hoga mera but lets see what happens i have alot of dreams which are unrealistic thats why i need to live to complete those, now slowly i am getting back on track although i waste alot of time still of reddit and youtube but still i am now consiously trying to reduce it and study again i need to get a college this year i cant take a drop my mental health wont support that decision of mine sooo peace out byee idk maybe i wont come on reddit after this or probably i will(99.999% i will itna self control built nahi hua hai) There's a lot more to this but i cant type each and every thing but atleast while writing i recalled those things thankss ps: there might be errors but who cares i aint going to read it again neither should u read it

So maine jab pichli post ki thi to kaafi depressed tha but sabke comments padhke mujhe kaafi accha laga aisa laga ki abhi bhi koi hope hai.
Cut to NEET:- 415 bann rhe hai,I honestly didn't think itne bhi bana paunga but end mein jo kar sakta tha wo kiya. Ps:- I am dropper.
But neet ke baad sab change ho gya, aisa lag raha sabka attitude towards me change ho gya, dost alag tarike se baat kar rhe hai. Mummy ne hope loose kardi hai, papa keh rhe hai IAT de. Well it's all on me to blame. Kal raat mental breakdown ho gya ye sab sochke. Jisse bhi baat karo uske muh pe bass marks or drop ki baat rehti hai. Meri ek dost thi idk usko kya ho gya suddenly she got so rude to me after NEET lol. Baaki sab bhi alag tarike se baat kar rhe hai.
Bhot directionless feel ho rha hai, samjh nahi aa rha kyaa karu kaise hoga ek mahine mein IAT, drop ke liye bhot self doubt ho rha hai. And abhi tak kuch nahi padha hai or 15 ko cuet hai. Har raat ko akele rota ho ye sab sochke or dekh ke.
But yaar ab ek baat samjh aa gyi hai, it's only you who will stay with yourself baaki sab variable hai life mein. No one is true to you except you.

Tuesday raat ko 9 ghante ki power cut. No sleep. Wednesday ko 11 ghante. No sleep. Kal raat ko 4. Some sleep. Aaj subah 3. Aur ab aandhi. Light phir gayi. Par aa gayi thodi der mein. Phir gayi. Transformer blast. Ab baarish aane waali hai. Par kab, pata nahi. Yeh sheher dhool mein doob chuka hai.

Long story ahead :
Mujhe neet ke baare mein pata chala tha after class 12 ISC boards... Then I started preparing for it... Lekin self study se kuch nhi hota tha.. 1 month I did all pyqs... Gave neet but marks bohut hi kam aya 450 around (mera basics clear tha).
Koi college toh milega nhi.. ab papa bole drop le lo... Aakash mein admission kara diye... Pehla week phy mein unit & dimensions chal raha tha... Bariya laga sabh... Chem mein mole concept kuch samaj nhi a raha tha... Main sirf molality & molarity ka formulas yaad karke gaya tha neet dene... Ab next week se start huya Motion in 1D aur wahi se mera faatne laga... Graph toh kuch samaj a nhi raha tha... Aur centre bhi ghar se kaafi duur tha... Aane jaane mein hi kaafi time laag jaate थे। Ghar aata aur parne byath jaata... Bohut struggle ja raha tha... Upar se batch mein kaafi baccho ka 670+ a raha tha marks... Unko dekh kar aur kharap lagta... Aaj bhi yaad hai Aakash ke bathroom e roya tha (larka hu sabke saamne nhi ro sakta)... Ho nhi raha tha mujhse... But koshish karna nhi chora... (Sach batau toh maan kar raha tha chor dene ka lekin soch raha tha ki aage kya hoga nhi huya toh fir kya humlog middle class se hai so wohi zindagi nhi dena chahta tha apne bacho ko jo mujhe mila)... Isiliye mehnat kiya... Fast forward... Intensive batches ka selection huya... Chance mhi mila mujhe... Aas paas sabh bol rahe थे ki intensive ki bina nhi hota hai neet crack... Aur upar se fts mein bhi marks nhi ban rahe they... Last fts 11 diya tha... Us mein 538 aya tha bass... Ghar aate samay lag raha tha kuud jau truck ke niche... Mummi papa ka sapna tootne wala tha... Lekin laga nhi isse bura kya hi hoga... Last chance diya apne aap ko... Aur mehnat kiya... Raat bhaar parhayi kiya... Finally D-DAY aya... Neet ka paper ke pehle halka sa anxiety ho ra tha... Decided tha ki MBBS toh milega nhi Private Dental karlunga loan lekar... But jab exam diya toh questions ban rahe थे। Answers yaad थे। Laga ki sahi gaya hai... Ghar aake check kiya toh dekha 660+ ban rahe hai... Mera toh haath kaapne laga... Mummi ko bataya toh woh to ro pari... Best day tha mera life ka... Abhi lagta hai mehnat karne se hota hai lekin direction sahi hona chahiye aur apka WHY strong hona chahiye! Mera iss saal ho jayega... Gen EWS hu so lower AIIMS mein chances hai but I'll prefer the best State medical College (WB state quota). Ap log bhi kijiye mehnat zaroor hoga and any help you need you can always DM me :)
Signing off!

Exam to bas ek phase hai, asli test to zindagi ka hai,
Agar ismein hi ghabra gaye, to Giyaan h aap
.
Socho broad, mehnat karo, marks nahi, knowledge gain karo,
Agar sirf number ke piche bhaage, to Giyaan h aap
.
Marks kam aaye, to kya hua, zindagi mein abhi aur bhi imtehan hain,
Agar is se hi haar maan gaye, to Giyaan h aap
.
Raat bhar jaag kar parha, phir bhi result na aaya waisa,
Agar ispe ro rahe ho saari raat, to Giyaan h aap
.
Har failure se seekho, har galti ko apnao,
Agar dobara wahi galti ki, to Giyaan h aap
.
Zindagi mein ups and downs to aate rehte hain,
Agar unse tum ghabraye, to Giyaan h aap
.
Agar tumne post ko end tak padha
and upvote nhi kiya to Giyaan h aap
.

Actually mein result ke baare mein nahi kehna chahta kuch ... lekin muje bhaut zyada anxiety ho rahi hai ... paper mein jo likha tha baar baar dimaag mein aata hai especially physics and maths ... na mein teekh se so pa raha hun , meri nani ka knee replacement hua tha ... and ab tak 1 month ho chuka hai ... unke soles mein bhaut pain hota hai kabhi kabhar weakness aa jaati uss weakness ke kaaran vo rone bhi lag jaati hai ... jiske kaaran muje bhi darr lagne lag jaata hai ki inhe kuch na ho jaaye (kyunki mein bachpan se hi nana nani ke saath rehta hun and i love them ) aadha din mein unke pass hi rehta hun taaki vo lonely feel na kare ... nana bhi rehte hai lekin vo ghar ka kaam kar rahe hote hai ..
Ik sab puchenge ki mein kyun hi bata raha hun ... actually ab mein mentally bhaut weak ho chuka hun pehle result ke baare soch soch kar , fir nani ke baare mein soch soch kar , fir college ke baare mein ... fir ghar mein bhi kaam karana hota hai ... mein sirf apne room mein baitha rehta hun.. na koi dost hai mera iss society mein na mein ja paata kisi ke saath khelne ... 5 saal se mein khain tour par nahi gaya .... raat ko rone lag jaata hun ... mental state teekh nahi hai.... mein kya karun 😭

Just realised lamba chavda likh diya- Jinka exam hai kripaya kripaya karke na padhe apni padhai par dhyan de. unless break liya ho.
raat ke 2:15 baj rahe hai. and this thing is stuck in my mind since morning. mene series of bad decisions liye hai. like offcourse not resisting like mujhe engineering nahi karni , iske upar kuch karano wajah se drop lena aur bhi bahot hai, saare padhai related bhi nahi hai lekin sabse ganda drop wala tha. mujhe vet banna tha ik its yuck for some people lekin, dheere dheere i understood its the same shit as JEE tough ahhh competition everywhere. not for me. mein drawing mein bhi kaafi accha hu, mujhe banna tha ek architect, gharwalon ko lagta hai architecture is useless bruh like actual architect banne ka sapna hai mera, chalo sahi yeh nahi toh nahi commerce? NEIN Lmao
Drop year ke shuruvaat mein he mujhe malum tha nahi hone wala mujhse yeh :) jihne real interest hai IIT NIT's mein jaane ka woh tak reh jaate hai peeche. mene toh sapne bhi nahi dekhe inke lmao kyuki karni he nahi thi eng.
ab anyways drop lene ko keh diya, PCM mein daal diya, Coaching mein daal diya. itna sab kara toh karna padega hem mujhse hua nahi kuch :) 70 percentile aayi last year iss baar 70 aur second pucho na toh sahi. Though mene try kara JEE maths accha karne ka kyuki B.arch ka paper bhi dene wala tha diya bhi. Did good in drawing but idk I fucked up maths sincerely.
mere parents mujhe kitna bhi ganda score aa jaaye kuch na kehte literally. Reason is they tried for few exams and failed back in their times. and yeh jo kuch nahi kehne wala part hai it hurts more then anything. Gaali dedo toh bhi chal jayega, silence is really loud ff's
Ab mujhe really nahi pata mujhe kya karna chahiye like koi carrier switch bhi possible nahi hai. Engineering is the way now, mera cet 11 ko hai. I don't know mein kya he karunga. Pura burn out ho chukaa hu. upar se mental health ke jo actual dragonized lode lage pade hai woh different. Pata nahi kitne number aayenge ya kya, I gave mocks scored decentish or even bad for few but its relative (90-110 never more then this and less then 90). mene mera part kara sahi se sahi - Chem and maths ke 22,23 pyqs kare saare ke saare physics reh gaya though lekin koi ni gand maraye. even if i fail to score good i won't feel shit bas decent sa score aa jaye bas like 90-94 ke beech mein khushhh aaye aaye nahi aaye nahi aaye. mujhe cse bhi nahi chahiye- abhi ke liye only mechanical interest me a little kyuki mene curriculum dekha uska (mere ke cousin se pata chala sab kuch) and this is the only thing that interests me.
But life is straight up fucked. nahi mila accha percentile toh yaha local mein CSE ya entc se kaam chalana padega since there is no point in spening ONE SEXTILLION DOLLARS on a tier 55 college. Abhi ke liye i will have to stick to engineeing kyuki yahi plate pe khana dalega aage masters wagera bhi karunga since abhi toh chud gaya huuu :).
Drop na liya hota* toh aaj dost jo yahi local college mein hai unke saath admission le leta, toh i would have been much more happier atleast. khudke interest explore karta, drawing banani aati i would have worked on acrylic painting, portraits yeh woh. yeh saal jo mental health ko chot pahuchi hai that is ahhhhhhhh i don't even know what to say. Interest nahi bacha kisi mein, chalta firta laash hu bas lol.
Laptop leke balcony mein baitha hu garmi ki wajah se, planes revise kar raha tha, suddenly yeh dimag mein explodeee jaisa kar gaya ab type kar raha, Subah se su!cdeee contemplate kar raha, ro raha hu literally idk what have i even become its not academic thing lmao, gand maraye result gand maraye sab kuch 50 percentile bhi aa jaye toh i will not feel sad, kyuki kari hai mene mehnat. maths pura ragad diya chem pura ragad diya with pyqs, lack of revision is gonna fuck me prolly lekin abhi ke liye fuck it. lekin depression kaccha chaba jaa raha. na kisi mein interest hai na kuch. my mind is playing both teams- ek kehta hai pagal hai kya bsdk ? jindagi bahot choti hai, yeh sab mat soch ek kehta hai mar ja bhai life toh waise bhi suffering hai. I am damn sure i will not KMS lmao, because i am a pussy to do so and i have constant hope of things will get better. bahot dino se i didn't see anything get better isi wajah se thoda kam ho raha ispe bhi bharosa lekin again i hope things will get better :))))))
am not bluffing on depression part- actually diagnosed hu moderately depressed, many personal reasons led to this.
JO BHI DROP LENE KA SOCH RAHE HAI PLEASE I REQUEST YOU- PEHLE KHUDKO PARKHO, TUMHARI MENTAL HEALTH KAISI HAI YEH DEKHO DON'T BE STUPID AND TAKE DROP AGAR TUM ALREADY DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS HO. IT'S A FRESH START FROM BASICS- LEKIN JUST LOOK BACK AT YOURSELF 2 YEARS AGO AND SOCHO KAHA GALAT GAYA MEIN ? MUJHE SAMAJH MEIN TOH SAB AATA THA GALAT KAHA GAYA? IT MIGHT BE LIKE PROBLEM SOLVING KAM KARI YEH WOH. LEKIN AGAR LAGE- YOU TRIED YOUR BESTT I MEAN BESST AND STILL FAILED, YOU CAN GO FOR DROP THOUGH, KEH RAHA TRIED YOUR BEST. (mIGHT KEH RAHA). SOCH SAMAJH KE LIYO DROP PLEASEEE AUR LIYA TOH KOI KASAR NA CHHODO WARNA, EK SAAL BAAD JAB TUMHARA EXAM HOTA JEE NEET CET KOI BHI USKE 3 DIN PEHLE TUM AISA RANT TYPE KAROGE 😭

Bhai, picture this: main tha, soch raha tha ki coaching class join karun, aur phir Vedantu ke JEE courses ke baare mein suna. Toh, unka sales agent mujhse contact kiya, bol raha tha ki unka program bahut hi mast hai. Maine bola, "Thoda time do, yaar. 40k kaafi mehenga hai." Par woh banda toh din raat WhatsApp pe promo chalata raha.
Phir ek raat achanak call aaya, keh raha hai admission band ho raha hai aur agar aaj raat ko payment nahi kiya toh batch mein entry nahi milegi.(LIE) Maine bola, "Bhai, mujhe woh purana batch join nahi karna." Par usne bola, "Arre, kal hi toh naya batch start hoga."(LIE:read further for details) Vishwas karke humne raat ke 12 baje payment kiya.
Lekin agle din, woh naya batch toh kahin nazar hi nahi aaya! Purane recorded classes dekhne ka mann nahi tha. Us agent ko contact kiya, toh bola, "Ho gaya process, bhai. Naya batch Monday ko shuru hoga."
Par Monday aaya, aur kya? Naya batch toh wapas gaya tel lene! Main gussa ho gaya, socha kuch minor issue hoga. Par jab Monday ko bhi nahi hua, toh hadh ho gayi yaar!
Dm kiya, call kiya, kuch nahi hua! Fir customer care pe call kiya, ek aunty ne bola, "6th May ko hi naya batch start hoga." Ab ispe gussa toh aana banta hai na! Raat ko payment kiya, aur ab 7-8 din ka wait?
Seedha refund maanga, kyunki unfair hai bhai! Lekin woh customer care wali ladki toh ulta seedha argue kar rahi thi, "Beta, tumhara future kya hoga?" Bol diya, ki me mera future handle kardunga...[addition: she was damn rude..argued nd screamed at us nd said join nxt batch no other soln...nd she herself cut the line]
Fir ek banda mila, woh toh sahi tha. Humne usko screenshots bheje, lekin fir kuch nahi hua. Fir call kiya, bol raha hai, "Sab try kiya, lekin sales department approve karna padega."[a day later on callin he wanted sumn other department approval]
Fir ek random banda call kiya, "Beta, kya hua?" Baar-baar samjha phir bhi kuch nahi hua! Aur ab wapas customer care call kiya, woh lady phir se shuru ho gayi, future ke bare mein socho..ur sons lyf nd blablabla (idfk how she again came up..again was rude nd herself hung up)
FFS FIX THE THT CUSTOMER CARE LADY WHO WANTS TO FIX MY FUTURE...IK I WAS LATE..U MADE ME EVEN MORE LATE ND NOW IM DOOMED
Yaar, kitna chutiya katoge? Kam se kam, customer care toh accha hona chahiye!
Bas ab thak gaya hoon main. Koi suggestion hai toh batao yaar!
[PS: apologies but the above txt is ai generated based on my rant...cuz the rant i wrote was longer nd barely readable...HELP KARO MY MONEYY]

My - Mujhe hamesha 1 sapna yaad rheta h .Pichle saal june se leke abhi tak sirf 6 spane alag aaye h , otherwise saare neet related hi h . Kuch sapne purely suicide wale the , jisme khudko krte hue to nhi dekha par sabka reaction jarur dekha . Kal raat meine spne me khudko suicide krte hue dekha wo bhi apni chhat se . Chehra toh khudka nhi dekha but wo sab kaafi detailed tha aur mein hi thi jisne kiya . Parents ko iss baare me kuch nhi pta .

VERY LONG RANT ABOUT MY JOUNEY AND THE CURRENT PROBLEM I AM FACING.
For the context, I am from Delhi, with the best facilities and VERY invested parents. I am from 2022 batch so after my 10th, when my 11th class started i never enjoyed due to lockdown and a grandparent s death. This was the first time i was having emotional falling out.
I TRIED to start studying, joined allen teat series, but truth be told i sucked at maths and therefore physics (even vectors bro 🤣). So i didnt know kya padhun kahan se padhu plus uss time itna ncert ncert nahi tha. I studied biological classification for two damn weeks ( everything except ncert) , scored 180/720. Got discouraged and gave tf up.
The teacher in my online classes started kinda bullying me and i was never treated like that before so i was learning to deal with this. My 10th results came out and i scored 95%. People still said itne marks toh koi bhi le aaye itni facilities mein which is kinda true but still i was so adversely affected i couldnt even enjoy my time.
Then i changed schools late in year due to covid, joined the new school one week before the mid sem, didnt know shit and kept restarting my prep but alas. Poora saal online padha ke bhai offline exams le liye 🫠. And my % - 63.2. (27.5/70 in phy, 35/70 in chem YES IT WAS THAT BAD).
Now, twelfth rolled along and when i tell u i gave my best, i really did. Ab iss time maine neet ko sideline kardiya tha kyunki selection toh starting se padhne se hi hota h. But maine poora focus boards pe shift kardiya. I used to study so much daily. Phir pattern hi change ho gya- term 1 term 2 waali cheez. Anyway maine 0 se lekar sab kara, organic, physical chem, physics alakh sir ke old lectures kare , bhar bhar ke pyq practice se. My final boards were finishing on 15th june .
And then mere dimag mein aaya , "kyun nahi kota chalte hain". Kaash maine ye na socha hota. Main wahan gayi and even though i was a good student, i still like an idiot thought ki main bohot buddhu hoon achiever mein toh kitne smart log honge isliye maine leader mein le liya admission. My second big mistake.After two months of joining there i got my boards result (98.2 topped in a very reputed school in delhi and like an idiot didnt celebrate that also award function chhod diya cause ofc kota ki ek class miss karna matlab ek hafte peeche hona).
Phir kya i started, ek mahine tak toh wahan ek hi chapter chal rha tha. Mere parents ne bola ki khud se aage badho and i said "arrey yahan ke teachers ko sab pata h ". Third big mistake, because they didnt know shit. Kept guiding me wrong. Then wahan ki phy faculty sucked. And itne timid and idiotic bacche the ki unko samjh hi nahi aaya ki unse physics nahi ban rhi h imagine. I talked to the head teacher and tried to get the phy faculty changed but ab poora drama ka scene ho gya tha. Mere good friends mere se palat gaye the apparently. I was so alone and lonely there in my room , padho toh phy nahi ban rhi, chem bahar ka padha rhe hain bio ncert centric nahi hai. I was sad all the time. Nahi kari maine dhang ki padhai. Neet 23 -547 marks.
Aise hi 1st drop guzar gaya, sabki ummedein bhi doob gayi aur 5 lakh rupees bhi. Meri hopes toh bilkul hi rectangular hyperbola ho gayi thi. Papa mumma se bheek maang ke second drop liya. Do mahine baad out of nowhere ek serious injury ho gayi jiski wajah se bed rest lena pada 2 months and even after 7 months of injury i still cant walk properly today. Academically i gave my best. Online padha, acche se. Phy ki ek coaching join kari through zoom and bio chem khud se. Din raat bas yahi kara, padhna, sona, khana, pina and rona lol. I didnt even go to any social events etc. Do teen hi dost bache the jinse kabhi ho gsyi baat toh theek warna nahi hoti thi.
My relatives were still supportive and all but extended family mein ek bacche ke village mein rehte hue bhi 616 aagye the toh i felt ashamed on another level.
I kept preparing. Ncert based study , mcq practice and 50 mocks later here i am. Expecting 660±10 in neet 24.
Now the real problem is here. The thing is i panicked in exam. My preparation was for 700 but i panicked and messed up physics ( poore saal mar mar ke padhne ke baad bhi). Thats it.
I constantly keep hearing other people s score , other relative( who score 616 last year scoring 680+ this year), neetprep mein everyone scoring so good. I wanted to be the one there. But truth is ab du quota se college milne ke laale pad rhe h. My kota teacher called and sounded disappointed. My relatives are also disappointed. Ngl, i feel so heartbroken right now, and i just cant shrug off the feeling " i am not enough " "2 drops ke baad bhi itne hi bane". Bas yahi socha ja rha hai mujhse. I feel like crying all the time.
This was my journey, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this ? I genuinely want to practice gratitude but its just becoming impossible with my racing thoughts and allen predicting 10k rank at 660.
Your kind advices or inputs will be greatly valued. Thank you :)