Wishes for coworker who is leaving

Hello Everyone.
I’m being accused by my boss that I committed Job Abandonment and was told today he’s in the process of discussing this with HR.
On 5/10 I became severely overwhelmed due to 2 coworkers walking out, one quit, one left for hours. I had a mental breakdown, something I’ve never done in the 5 years I worked at this establishment. My boss was not present that day, so I left for the day and as soon as I got in my car I sent an email explaining I was leaving for the day due to being overwhelmed. I received an automated reply saying “I am out of office, bring any issues to [JOHN DOE]” So I forwarded my email to them and went home. An hour or so later [JOHN DOE] texted me and asked to confirm if I would be at work the next two days. 5/11 and 5/12. I replied with yes and that I only left for the day. I went to work both of these days. And followed my schedule.
A week prior to this I brought up alot of professional complaints due to recent changes made that affected the workflow and I texted this all to my boss, he responded by saying I should only email him. Regardless in that timespan no changes were made and this caused a lot of tension between coworkers and myself resulting in what happened on 5/10.
On 5/14 I received a call from my boss once he returned to work with him saying he wants me to confirm that I had let no one know and that I abandoned my job and wanted me to confirm this. I tried explaining to him that no, I did Infact inform who I was suppose to, and he said that I didn’t let them know and he’s in talks with HR about this and that before this week is over I will receive a call moving forward.
I have emails and text to prove this is not true.
Where do I go from here? Please help.

To keep it short:
I have severe relationship trauma and PTSD. I am currently in IOP and did a partial program to work towards healing, and things are getting worse before they hopefully get better.
I have episodes more and more frequently of intense flashbacks, that leave me completely a wreck. The days following I am in a constant state of disassociation. I can’t remember what day it is, what I did a few minutes ago, hours or days. I can’t focus when I’m around others. I’m not there. I have intrusive thoughts of the violence that terrify me, so whenever I am not having a flashback most of my energy goes towards trying to avoid letting any memories breakthrough and cause one.
I am in a newer relationship, 4 months and I am a 24f and she is a 25f. They are incredibly supportive and kind, and have seen this struggle- despite how private of a person I am, I have let them in, which is so so rare. I truly love them. However, the past few days I have been so out of it. I had one of my worst flash backs ever three days ago, and since then I can barely remember anything going on around me, keep track of time, or be present. Tonight, I told her I’d try and see her- then I ended up going to the gym and telling her I was just going to go home and sleep. She said she was upset that I blew her off, when she put aside the time to see me. She isn’t wrong for this at all, but I also use the gym as a way to hopefully regain a sense of being conscious. I needed it, but I also needed to stick to my word and be a good partner. She said that I haven’t spent enough quality time with her the past few days and she was feeling neglected. However, I saw her Saturday (after episode), Sunday, and I made time today to visit her at school for thirty minutes before i started IOP. So I also feel slightly hurt that apparently none of that was enough. But she also said that I haven’t been present the past few days, and she’s right. I haven’t. I have made time to see her, but I’m not there. I can’t even really get myself to make eye contact. I just feel gone. I wish I didn’t, but it’s like I’m stuck behind a fuzzy glass window that I can’t break through. She told me reliability is everything to her so she was frustrated. She didn’t understand why I would go to the gym when I could have spent the extra hours of the day with her. The word reliability terrified me. I can’t even rely on my own brain, who is having such intense episodes that completely pull the rug out from under me- and thus, pull it out from under her.
I can’t fix this, and I can’t promise consistent mental presence or reliability. I can’t promise to want to hang out everyday, or take the extra few hours I have at the end of the day to spend it with her rather than on myself, so I can try and just pull it together enough to get through. I love her so so much, and she truly is kind and I know she would be understanding if I said this- but I refuse to create a dynamic where she can’t have her needs met or have to worry about triggering someone, or become a caretaker even if it’s not conscious. I am also not one who likes to be around others when I am having a bad day. Also, since the trauma is relationship based, on really bad days the last thing I want is to be intimate in any form- sexual, emotional, physical, romantic. My body physically resents it in those moments. The good days are good, and I am okay- but I know that the bad ones aren’t going away anytime soon. I know I can communicate all of this, and I will, but I don’t know if staying with her and letting her be in a relationship with someone who actively can’t be a fully present partner is fair. I also know she would want to work through this, but I don’t know what to do. To be a fair person, and to do right by her, should I break up with her?
I know that no one can tell me what to do, but I would really really really appreciate any insight, or just to hear anyone else’s stories if they relate.
TLDR: I have ptsd and it makes me an unreliable partner

Before I moved in to that house, my roommate was a fairly good friend because she was close to my ex who had recently passed from a heart condition. We got close while grieving his passing and felt a responsibility to help when we could. I had blessings coming in by the multitude and asa Buddhist I must give to receive or lose even more than having. She fell back into active addiction and since she put her home in her mom's name during her divorce 3-4 years prior, her mom was threatening to kick her out if changes weren't made because she has been covering all the taxes and living expenses of her and her then boyfriend, who lived with her at that time. I offered her a job working for me and offered to help with bus fare and provide lunch on days she worked. Her relationship was getting pretty toxic and she worked 2 days, asked to be advanced for 4 more days she never worked, and stopped answering my messages entirely. It out the blue 2 months later she reached out and I told her I was moving out because my lease wasn't getting renewed and had to pick where I wanted to move to and fast. She told me she wanted him out and was going to get a TPO so he couldn't fight her on leaving and wanted to be able to sell his tools and things as"revenge for the abuse she suffered". I didn't agree with that but agreed to support her and her keep her safe. She begged me to move in to help reinforce him needing to stay away. I ignorantly accepted and moved in to her 2nd bedroom. The 2nd day there we sat down and hashed out the details with her mom who at the time said "sounds like you ladies know what you're doing so I'll leave you to it." She let her mom come by every day it seemed like but the home was "good thing she's not your landlord or we'd be screwed!" After her ex stayed away a while she got bored or lonely, not quite sure which. She tracked him down and has him over while I was working one night. I was furious as he JUST burned his friends house down to the ground and caught him trying to pour my diffuser oils on paper and they had burn marks on them like he wanted to set my room in fire. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her being around him and want happy that he was there. So he stole my house key while sleeping. No matter how many times I asked, I couldn't get them to give me another one after that. That led to me having to stay at hotels I would walk to when I couldn't get inside and had only 5 or 6 hours before my next double shift. One day coming home she stopped him walking away from the house as we were pulling up so she pulled up next to him and invited him over. I got mad and went inside after pulling up to the house and packed a bag to go stay with my boyfriend who I had to make leave after she asked him to move in too but we went with it and wasn't one of the big problems. I feel asleep early and woke up to ask kinda of messages about her not narcaning him but thinks she should. She thought he might not be breathing but then sent memes and made some jokes. This man couldn't stand opiates, he hated her doing them and was the heart of what they broke up over. He despised them and wouldn't have willing done fentanyl when you couldn't get him to take a Vicodin after pulling his wisdom teeth. He was on life support for 4 days and his family took him off when time he was brain dead from losing oxygen for so many hours. She was a licensed nurse. She knew what to do and how to help him. She said so many times. She's proud she did it and that terrified me. Not enough to destroy my spiritual livelihood and lie and cover up such serious violations. Her mom called me twice during the week he was on life support and once after. 2 days after I refused the last time to give the story of him being on drugs already, her Mom busted into my room and screamed at me demanding for me wake up and come to the living room immediately. She told me I was to get out immediately because I broke in when I was locked out and used my bedroom window to get in and left the house unsecured 2 times that she found when she came by to "check on things". I knew that's not how things in the real world go so I just avoided her and paid my rent as usual. Turns out earlier that day she went and filled for an eviction and had worked out with her daughter how to hide it. She was to remove all notifications and not mention anything so I would keep paying and wouldn't take my belongings and she could make money or keep them if she wanted like she got to do with her ex's things. She has most everything he owned on marketplace 24 hours after he passed. Online the court even notes that "service made to: adult female roommate" and labeled it "successful service" even though she was operating with a huge conflict of interest and nobody questioned it. I lost my job as she was hired by me to transport me back and forth. I couldn't afford hotels very long. I lived in abandoned houses. I'm back in hotels on vouchers now. I'm working and saving for a car to get a better job and get around. I got my cats back from her 6 months after but with wings and scabs on the one she didn't like. Obviously she abused her and I had to pay her to give them back in that condition. My other cat is pregnant but an indoor cat so I guess she let her out anyways. I was sent a message that my things that were left would be placed at the road at a specific time and told to come get what I wanted it it was going to the trash. When I showed up I was meet with police and her video recording me and my helpers in our faces taunting me about being on welfare and wanted to know where my free lawyer was because I would need one when she sues me for storage fees when I was refused the ability to retrieve my belongings 4 times prior. I set up mediation and she started and then ended it 10 minutes in. Nothing has been done about the murder. I still have all the proof and evidence. As well as witnesses. I feel like they are getting away with murder AND so much more. I was left without so much as a cell phone or transportation. I slept in streets. I have trauma from this crap and I'm overwhelmed with what to even to after her for. There's nothing legal about any of this whole situation. At one point when I was allowed to get a few things but not much, her mother drive right beside me while I carried my things tormenting me and laughing at me for being homeless and poor because "i was learning who I was f*ing with and getting the consequences for it". She literally said "bet you wish you would change your story now, didn't Cha?" NOBODY HAS EVEN TAKEN A STATEMENT FROM ME!! there's no story told as of now. Am off this was done preemptively. And no lawyers claim to take care like mine. Where the heck do I turn then? Am I just left to accept this because they have money and were able to take all mine? I'm in Ohio btw. This was September of 23

Sorry if I mess up I am new to Reddit. I work a job on a university campus. Most of the staff team is being moved to other buildings on campus due to openings or issues with our boss. The whole semester our staff team has had issues following orders from our boss and issues connecting with one another. The other day I had my mandatory end of semester individual meeting with my boss. She asked me at the end of the meeting if I had any questions or concerns about the future. I said I was nervous for the new staff because I had issues getting along with this staff team. My boss had asked me to explain. I said they were leaving but I had issues getting along some team members. I told my boss they tended to make comments that was rude. My boss asked me to explain. I explained that a team member, let’s call her team member c, had called me dumb often. For example if do something like miss a knock on a door and laugh and say something jokingly like “I’m so stupid”. team member a would often say something along the lines of “I didn’t say it” or “you said it not me”. She would do this at least once a month. She then once said to me and my friend that we were like tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum. She then looked me in the face and said “and your friend isn’t tweedle-dum.” I didn’t tell my boss this but she constantly talks shit about another coworker, coworker d. Team member c, Often belittles coworker d saying how she often is wrong and not to listen to coworker d. Once team member c told coworker d to her face that “no offense but she wants to ask someone with more experience.” When coworker d got coworker of the year, team member c then complained about how she didn’t deserve it and asked me if I voted for coworker d. When I said yes, she proceeded to give me side eyes and then complain to another coworker about how I shouldn’t have voted for coworker d. Well team member c got moved buildings. when she did, she was complaining to me about it and telling me how she feels bad for another coworker because she’s with all rookies. I have worked a semester, but team member c refuses to call us vets because we haven’t worked a fall semester. team member c then proceeded to say how she feels bad because “me, coworker a, and coworker b are all technically bad at our jobs”. team member c then went down to coworker a and told coworker a that “me, coworker a, and coworker b are all bad job position and how we weren’t good at first.” I told this to my boss without mentioning a name. Well my boss asked me to say who team member c was and that I wouldn’t get in trouble and that they wouldn’t tell her anything. I told her team member c’s name. After the meeting my boss asked me to schedule another meeting with her on another day. I met with my boss and my boss told me that she is going to talk to team member c about how to appropriately talk to other coworkers. I told my boss I wasn’t comfortable with that and didn’t want that. My boss told me that she shouldn’t have said those things to begin with. I talked to coworker a and told coworker a what happened and coworker a told me coworker d had also talked to our boss about team member c’s behavior and that coworker a had also told our boss that team member c has a habit of degrading us (team member c tends to treat me and coworker a like children often talking down to us). I left the campus the next day. I checked my phone when I got home and saw that another coworker, let’s call her coworker f, had put me and coworker a into a separate group chat and asked if me and coworker a had told the boss she was rude to us. Coworkers name had only once been mentioned in my meeting and all I had said was that we just didn’t get along, so when I saw that message I got worried that my boss misunderstood and thought coworker f was also treating me like team member c. I texted my boss asking if she talked to coworker f because of what I said about team member c. My boss said no I was not a factor in why coworker f had been talked too. My boss then asked me if coworker f was singling people out or coming about it rudely. I said no she had simply asked if someone complained about her and she was not rude at all. I then messaged my boss saying I was just worried if she had talked to coworker f because of what I said about team member c. My boss then messaged me saying no, and to reiterate her talk had nothing to do with my talk with her. Anyway after that started to feel really bad that I told my boss about team member c. I feel guilty that I got team member c in trouble. The more I think about it the more I think I probably should have kept it to myself and not said anything. I’m starting to question if team member c wasn’t that bad and I am just being sensitive. Am I the asshole for telling my boss about team member c?

I’m in a difficult situation. My ex and I broke up when I was a month pregnant. He was cheating, lying, and manipulating, however- a good dad to our 21 month old and never physically or verbally hurt me. I moved in with my dad who is very supportive and kind and my stepmom who is a recovering alcoholic with a lot of emotional issues. My stepmom seems to have gotten control of her alcohol use, but has been having problems “blacking out” while sober. I suspect it’s alcohol related dementia, but we don’t know. She can’t remember doing things and swears that she didn’t do them. Just this past week she was cursing me in the kitchen slamming dishes around, leaving me unreadable notes in my room about how my dad is mad at me (not true) insisting I need to start taking her to work and counseling for my dad (she has her license taken away for DUI’s) and now on mother’s day further making it seem like my dad and I are having problems and that I was spreading rumors about her that she found out through her coworkers. She has had problems like these the whole time I’ve known her (15 years). It’s becoming evident to me that my parents house is not the best environment to rely on my stepmom to help me with a newborn. My main concern is knowing I’ll be somewhere where my baby and I are safe and taken care of. My ex offered to give us a room in his house and help to take care of the newborn for 2-3 weeks. He was great with our toddler when he was born. I think I can put aside any old feelings I had and know this is good for the newborn. My bio mom will be in town helping me for a month and is welcome at my ex’s. However, my stepmom has said she’s not allowed to spend the night at my dad’s house or drive her car that I’m borrowing if I were to stay at my dad’s house. A third possible option is to rent an air bnb with my bio mom to take care of the newborn in. I feel like an animal and need to start nesting- nothing is ready and in its place- I have no solid plan. Thanks all.

To keep it short:
I have severe relationship trauma and PTSD. I am currently in IOP and did a partial program to work towards healing, and things are getting worse before they hopefully get better.
I have episodes more and more frequently of intense flashbacks, that leave me completely a wreck. The days following I am in a constant state of disassociation. I can’t remember what day it is, what I did a few minutes ago, hours or days. I can’t focus when I’m around others. I’m not there. I have intrusive thoughts of the violence that terrify me, so whenever I am not having a flashback most of my energy goes towards trying to avoid letting any memories breakthrough and cause one.
I am in a newer relationship, 4 months and I am a 24f and she is a 25f. They are incredibly supportive and kind, and have seen this struggle- despite how private of a person I am, I have let them in, which is so so rare. I truly love them. However, the past few days I have been so out of it. I had one of my worst flash backs ever three days ago, and since then I can barely remember anything going on around me, keep track of time, or be present. Tonight, I told her I’d try and see her- then I ended up going to the gym and telling her I was just going to go home and sleep. She said she was upset that I blew her off, when she put aside the time to see me. She isn’t wrong for this at all, but I also use the gym as a way to hopefully regain a sense of being conscious. I needed it, but I also needed to stick to my word and be a good partner. She said that I haven’t been present the past few days, and she’s right. I haven’t. I have made time to see her, but I’m not there. I can’t even really get myself to make eye contact. I just feel gone. I wish I didn’t, but it’s like I’m stuck behind a fuzzy glass window that I can’t break through. She told me reliability is everything to her so she was frustrated. She didn’t understand why I would go to the gym when I could have spent the extra hours of the day with her. The word reliability terrified me. I can’t even rely on my own brain, who is having such intense episodes that completely pull the rug out from under me- and thus, pull it out from under her.
I can’t fix this, and I can’t promise consistent mental presence or reliability. I can’t promise to want to hang out everyday, or take the extra few hours I have at the end of the day to spend it with her rather than on myself, so I can try and just pull it together enough to get through. I love her so so much, and she truly is kind and I know she would be understanding if I said this- but I refuse to create a dynamic where she can’t have her needs met or have to worry about triggering someone, or become a caretaker even if it’s not conscious. I am also not one who likes to be around others when I am having a bad day. Also, since the trauma is relationship based, on really bad days the last thing I want is to be intimate in any form- sexual, emotional, physical, romantic. My body physically resents it in those moments. The good days are good, and I am okay- but I know that the bad ones aren’t going away anytime soon. I know I can communicate all of this, and I will, but I don’t know if staying with her and letting her be in a relationship with someone who actively can’t be a fully present partner is fair. I also know she would want to work through this, but I don’t know what to do. To be a fair person, and to do right by her, should I break up with her?
I know that no one can tell me what to do, but I would really really really appreciate any insight, or just to hear anyone else’s stories if they relate.
TLDR: I have ptsd and it makes me an unreliable partner

TW: Alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, suicidal ideation, sex abuse
This is going to be a LLLLLOOONNNNGGGGG one. This story goes back quite a way, but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the ending to this story and I'm feeling it, still got some guilt about everything that happened, wondering what I could have done differently and I just want to vent it out and hope to get some closure from it.
This story started in 2010.
Characters in this story (names are fake, duh!):

• Me, Guy, 32M at the time, 45 now.
• My BFF Stephanie, 33F at the time.
• Stephen, 40M at the time, Stephanie's boyfriend.
• Maryse, 27F at the time.

Background and intro
I had known Stephanie for many years and we had the kind of friendship that made her BFs and my GFs uncomfortable to put it lightly. We had never crossed that boundary and I wouldn't consider us in the friendzone, we were just friend, but the kind of friend where she would sit on my lap with her arms around my neck or her head on my shoulder.
At the start of 2010, Stephanie met her then boyfriend, Stephen. He tolerated me and my friendship with Stephanie because I also had a gf back then. She liked Stephanie, wasn't at all jealous of my friendship with her, so he didn't deem me too suspicious. Then my gf and I broke up for reasons unimportant and all hell broke loose for Stephen. He became convinced that I would try and steal Stephanie from him. He insisted that Stephanie introduce me to her female friends or female friends of his. Thus began what I called the year of the 50 blind dates. It was probably closer to 20, but still I like saying the year of 50 blind dates. Most of them were unremarkable and never went beyond the first date. There are some fun stories in there if anyone wants to hear them eventually!
In July of that year, I had to switch gears because I had to focus up and study for a professional exam for a certification important to my career. This exam required close to 600-800 hours of study over a 3-4 month period. So I hunkered down, told Stephanie to stop the blind dates for now because I had to focus on that. She respected my wishes and, other a text here or there, we went low contact for the last two months before the exam.
Except for one fateful night in September. Her birthday was in September and she always threw these big bashes at her house. She would throw a big pool party that started around noon and would go on to the wee hours of the morning. I knew she would harass me to go to her party, so I made some quick math and figured I would lose more energy and time trying to dodge her calls, texts and most likely visits at my place than by just going to the party itself. So when she called me to ask, I just said: "Okay I'll go to your damn party, now git." I texted her I would get there in the evening probably around 8. She texted back "Great, can't wait. Now study, bitch!"
So I ultimately get there around 8PM. Basically everybody is already drunk off their gourd. Stephanie sees me, squeals in excitement and runs to me in her bikini and just jumps in the air and slams into me, wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and gives me a big hug. I hug her back and just keep walking back to the pool where she had started, carrying her with me. I just duck my head around hers and say hi to Stephen, who just glares at me.
She drops back down and I give her her gift. We chat for a few seconds and says "There's beer in the fridge and food in the dining room." I told her I'd be right back.
I go inside and grab a beer from the fridge. I head to the dining room and the table is against the wall with a buffet of sandwiches, tomato pizza, salads, etc. I grab a plate and start putting food on it. I was focused on the task because I was starving. I barely noticed, sitting at the end of the table one of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I just see her in my peripheral vision and I do a quick double take, quick glance at her and back to the food. I do that a second time. And finally a third time. At that point she is just straight up staring at me and I can't help but chuckle and whisper under my breath "Subtle Guy, sub-tle".
Thankfully she starts laughing too, saving me some embarassment. I look at her and greet her. She says "Hi, I'm Maryse and I'm guessing you're Guy?" I just nod and we start talking. At that point, I just thought I have no shot with her, she's so far out of my league that I'm just gonna talk to her until she sees one of the "models" hanging out by the pool and ditches me for him.
So I'm not feeling like I'm playing for anything, so I'm just myself and not nervous, just talking to her as I would any friend. We chat and she laughs at all my jokes, she gets all my cultural references. She never gets up or ditches me. The plate of food I had made and the beer I had gotten are sitting on the table next to me untouched, I was too busy with the convo to think about food or beer anymore.
After what felt like only 20-30 minutes, Stephanie comes in and tells me, fake grumpy: "So that's where you disappeared to. I invite my best friend to a party and he spends the whole night talking to someone else." I laugh and go: "What do you mean the whole night? I haven't been here that long." She says "Dude, it's 2AM. You've been here for 6 hours..." My jaw dropped and I just said: "Wow, time flies when you're having fun." Maryse chimes in, with a big smile: "It sure does!" That made me happy as you can imagine.
Now I was a little stuck because where Stephanie lived, there's no night service for the bus and the subway had been closed for an hour or so. I figured I would cab it. So I turn to Maryse and tell her: "It was absolutely lovely to meet you and I enjoyed our conversation very much." She says that she did too. I continued with "At the moment, my schedule is incredibly hectic. I'm basically working full-time, studying full-time and sleeping part-time. So I don't have a lot of free time, but if she was interested, whatever little free time I had, I would love to call her or text her to keep on getting to know her."
I see Stephanie in the backgroudnd, looking like a proud mama at how smooth that came out, knowing I was always anything but smooth with women, as proven by the string of blind dates! Maryse has a big smile and we exchange numbers. I go to Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday again. While I'm talking to her, my phone buzzes with a text from Maryse: "Just checking!"
I asked Stephanie "What's the best cab company to call in this area?" Maryse chimes in: "Where do you live?" I tell her where I lived and she goes "It's on the way to where I live, I can give you a ride if you want." Stephanie raised an eyebrow in surprise. I learned later, she did it because it absolutely was not on the way to her place, like, at all. I say that I would love that as it would give us a chance to keep talking.
We get in her car, driving to my place. We talk, she asks me what I'm studying as I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I tell her all about the boring maths I had to study. Much too quickly, we get to my place. She parks in front of my building and we keep talking. At some point, I tell her: "Normally, this is where I would try to "trick" you into coming up to my place..." She interrupts me: "You wouldn't need to trick me. I'm willing and able!"
I tell her that "As tempting as that sounds, I know who I am and I know that if you come up and things proceed to where they're going, I'm not going to be able to study for the rest of the month. I have a kind of obsessive mind and when I find someone or something I like, I can push everything else to the side in favor of that. So to make sure I can still focus on my studying, I have to go up by myself."
She looks at me, a little disappointed but then says, half-jokingly: "We don't have to go up, there's a backseat right there!" We laugh and I give her a kiss and wish her a good night. I managed to stay strong and go back to my condo. Damn it, why did I have to stay strong!!!
My exam was at the beginning of november. During the month of october, we texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone. We went for coffee a couple of times and dinner once. She respected my boundaries and never pushed for more, which I appreciated but also hated at the same time, if that makes sense. The exam came and it was a monster of a Friday. I slept for basically 18 hours after the exam as the adrenalin dropped and my system crashed.
I texted her when I woke up at around 1PM. She was working at the clothing store Stephanie owned. She said "I'm off at 5PM, wanna meet me." I said: "Duh! Why do you think I'm texting? ;)" So I met her at the store downtown. I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, go for dinner, or what. She proposed going to her place and getting some take out. Stephanie who was closing the store at that moment, came up to us and said: "Hey, so what are we doing?" I said: "WE, that is Maryse and I, are going to her place and getting some takeout. Bye!" I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that no food was ever ordered that night!
Thus followed a whirlwind month of November where any free time we had was spent together, and I wasn't going to complain!
The troubles
By the start of december, things were still going great with us. One saturday night, we were having dinner at a restaurant and I mention that this coming Friday is my office Christmas party, that it's employees only, so we wouln't see each other that night. She tells me: "Oh sure, that's fine! It'll give me a chance to go see some girlfriends I've been neglecting lately." I said "Great! BTW I also got us a reservation at [this great restaurant she had mentioned a few times] for next Saturday, so we could go there and I'll tell you all about my party and you can tell me all about her night with the girls!"
That was settled, I thought. I was wrong. On Thursday, we had spent the evening together at her place and I was about to leave to go back to my place. She tells me: "So are you coming to meet me at the store tomorrow or do I go to your place?" I reminded her: "Neither, tomorrow is my office Christmas party and we won't see each other tomorrow." She said: "Oh right, I forgot." I asked her if she had made plans with her friends like she had mentioned last saturday. She said that they were all busy tomorrow and weren't available.
She suggested "If your party is boring, maybe you could come meet me." I retorted that it wasn't going to be, knowing who was going to be there.
"Yeah but what if?"
"But it won't"
"But what IFFFFFF?" she kept insisting and I kept saying no. After what felt like 30 minutes of that (probably only 2-3 minutes in reality), I had enough and just said to end the argument: "Okay, if it's boring, I'll come. but it won't be." She said: "Cool" with a big smile on her face. I came to learn that that smile meant "Challenge accepted".
The following night, my colleague and I were pregaming in a conference room before leaving for the party proper and my phone buzzes. Maryse was wishing me a good party. I replied. She texted me again. I replied. She texted again, but I was in a conversation with a colleague so I didn't reply or even look at the phone. My phone buzzes again. Still talking, and didn't want to be rude to my colleague. Another buzz. I just kept talking. Phone buzzes differently, she was now calling because I hadn't answered her texts.
"Why aren't you replying to my texts?"
"Hey, sorry, was talking to my colleague Patrick."
"What? you don't want to talk to me?"
"I am talking to you now."
"Why didn't you reply to my texts?"
"Because it would have been rude to my colleague to pull my phone out while talking to him."
"But you're talking to me now."
"Because I thought something was wrong, maybe it was an emergency."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"Well, gotta go back to the party. Talk to you later."
She kept texting and if I didn't reply right away, she would call after two or three missed texts. After about 2 hours of this, I stopped answering the texts. When she called back, I asked her: "Aren't you supposed to be working?" which started another round of guilt-tripping of "why are you asking me this? you don't want to talk to me?" At that point I had had enough and wanted to enjoy my party. I remembered that the Blackberry (no shaming old tech!) I had had an annoying feature, but I was hoping to put it to good use at that moment.
Whenever the battery would get really low, like less than 1%, it would let out an ear-piercing BEEP for about 3 seconds, reminiding you to charge it and giving you a heart attack all at the same time. It would do that even when you were in silent mode. It had happened a few days earlier when I was with Maryse. I figured, if I press a button on the Blackberry, it would make a beep too that could be heard through the phone. So while I was talking to Maryse, I pressed my thumb on the space bar for a good 3 seconds and sputtered; "what... the .... what?" trying to put on a somewhat believable performance.
She asked what that noise was and I tell her that it was my blackberry letting me know I was low battery and it might shut off any second. I told her "Listen I'm gonna wish you a good night, I'm having a good time at my party so I'll see you tomorrow at 5PM to go spend our evening together. I hope you have a good....." and hung up mid-sentence. I promptly shut my phone off and went back to the party. I concede that I may be a bit of an AH for that move.
The party was great, I got drunk much quicker than I expected owing to the fact that I hadn't had a drink in over two months because Maryse didn't drink so I didn't either when we were together, and we were always together. At 1AM, I went home and passed out on my bed.
This is another place where I may have been an AH. I didn't turn my cell phone back on and I unplugged my home line too, because I wanted to sleep the deep sleep of the drunkard. I woke up at around 1:30 PM, not knowing it was already too late. In my mind, I was meeting Maryse at 5PM to go out on the town that night. Maryse had other ideas as you'll see.
So like I said, I woke up at 1:30PM and was sticky with alcohol sweat, so I went straight for the shower to get clean again. While in the shower, my stomach grumbled with hunger and I started daydreaming of bacon and eggs. That pushed me out of the shower right quick. I dried myself off quickly, tied the towel around my waist and went to the fridge. No bacon.... booo. Looked at the egg compartment... no eggs... booo again. Okay then, how about a cream cheese bagel. No cream cheese, damn it. Look in the pantry, no bagels.... god. I was starting to get angry. Okay, cereals then. I pick up the cereal box, that mofo was empty and I get mad: "who's the idiot who puts the empty box back in the pantry?" I remembered I live alone.
I close the fridge dejected and see the grocery list stuck on the fridge, taunting me with everything I wanted to eat for breakfast written on it. But I felt like if I went to the grocery store hungry as I Was, I'm just gonna pay 600$ and not get one single healthy thing to eat. I then remembered there's a restaurant next to the grocery store that serves breakfast until 3PM. I get excited! I get dressed quickly, grab my wallet and keys, put my boots on, my coat on, wrap my scarf, my tuque and my gloves and go to the restaurant. If you notice, I didn't mention my phone in there.
I get to the restaurant and confirm that they still have breakfast and get even more excited when she confirms it. I order the "heart attack", at least that's how I nicknamed it: 3 eggs, 3 servings of bacon, 2 sausages, and, I guess to give one peace of mind, fruit (or to be precise, one single solitary slice of orange). Now that the food is ordered and coming I figured I would check if I have any messages. I pat the pocket where my phone always is. No phone. uh-oh. I start clutching evert pocket, no luck.
I wonder if I should go back home after the meal before going to the grocery store and decide against it, it would be too long a detour. So I scarf my breakfast down, rush through the grocery store. I get home and set my bags down in front of the fridge. I go pick up my blackberry. I turn it back on. The little tape icon tells me there are messages on my voicemail, at that time there were no red dots with a number in it to tell you how many.
I connect to the voicemail while starting to put the groceries away. The little automated voice tells me "You have 25 new messages." I pull the phone away from my ear, look at it in disbelief as if saying: "are you f'ing kidding me?" So I press 1 to start playing the messages.
Remember: Maryse knew I was at a party with a dead phone, no chargers and I probably wouldn't get home until 1AM. From 6:30PM, when my phone died, to 11:34 PM, when she went to sleep she left me 9 messages. BTW I know she went to sleep at 11:34PM because she left me a message saying "it's 11:34PM and I'm going to bed. Thinking of you." The 9 messages were in the same vein. These are the salient details, but the messages were all much longer.
She woke up at 7:15 the following day, I'll let you guess how I know that tidbit of information! She left me 5 more messages like those from the day before: 7:15 woke up. 7:35 going to take a shower. 7:55 out of the shower. 8:25 getting ready to leave for work 8:50 walking out of the subway to go to the store.
She leaves me another message at 9 that was different. She sounded very excited as if she had had the best idea in the world: "Hey it's 9AM, I'm about to start my shift. I know we're only supposed to meet after my shift, but what if you came and met me for lunch so you could tell me all about your party." I just did my best Scooby-Doo "Ruh-Roh" and chuckled that I blew that, not thinking the calamity that was awaiting me.
Another couple of messages to talk logistics: "I could take my lunch at 12 or 12:30, let me know which you prefer." "I'm taking my lunch at 12:30"
A slightly worried message: "It's 11:15 and you stil have not said if you were coming or not, are you okay?"
The first bomb goes off and I knew I was in trouble then: "Where are you? We're supposed to meet for lunch and you still haven't given me any sign of life, you're not answering your home phone either, what happened?" Reminder: we were not supposed to meet for lunch, she suggested doing so a couple of hours earlier and I never agreed to anything. I guess she told her colleagues I would meet her for lunch and it was now fact and could perhaps make her look bad in front of her colleagues.
The second bomb drops: "It's almost noon now, WHERE ARE YOU? Stephanie says you're probably sleeping off your drunk, but I don't believe her. I'm sure you got yourself a slut and cheated on me. Didn't you? didn't you, you asshole." Stephanie knows me very well, but that wasn't enough for Maryse it seems.
Ensued four more messages from 12:30 to 1:15, where she starts sounding more and more drunk and accusatory, spewing more attacks like in the message above. At that point I already knew it was over, there was no coming back from that. I can understand having trust issues, but that was nuclear. I don't tolerate jealousy because of horrible experiences with a couple of jealous toxic exes.
A final message comes in, and it's a different voice, that of my best friend being more than a little angry: "Hey Guy, listen, Maryse tells me you had a Christmas party yesterday, so I'm guessing you're sleeping off your drunk, still. But call me when you get this. I put Maryse, who's f'ing drunk, in the backstore so she can dry off and "do inventory". She can't be on the sales floor obviously and I just don't feel safe sending her home in the state she's in. Call me to tell me how you want to handle this."
At that point I had finished putting away my groceries and had put my boots and my coat on and was making my way to the subway to go to the store. I call Stephanie and tell her I got the messages and I was coming. She was right, I was sleeping off my drunk and had just woke up (didn't feel the need to mention the breakfast and grocery store). I ask her if she knows what I'm gonna do when I get there. She says that she knows and understands. She knows my bad history.
When I get out of the subway, I call her again before getting to the store. I ask her how she wants me to do this. It's her store and I don't want to create drama in front of her customers. Does she want me to wait outside and she tells Maryse to meet me in the street or do I go in the store and she takes me to the backstore and I do it there? She says to come to the store.
I walk in the store and every saleswomen on the floor looks at me and gives me the biggest case of the stink-eye. They only have Maryse's side of the story, so they think I did all these horrible things. I see Stephanie in the middle of the store and I walk towards her. She shakes her head and points me towards the cash register. I look over there and see Julia, a salesperson that I've known for a couple of years and really like, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the store. I understand what Stephanie is trying to do. She's gonna make me tell her my story in front of Julia so Julia can spread the "good news" to the other employees and rehabilitate my name possibly.
So I get to the register and say Hi to Julia. She barely acknoledges me. Steph joins me. She asks me:
"How are you?"
"I was better an hour ago, before I listened to those voicemails. I had gone to our office party last night, had a great night, got drunk off my ass, got home at around 2 and woke up around 2."
Julia asks "Maryse told us you were supposed to meet her for lunch."
"No we weren't. I have a reservation for tonight at XYZ restaurant. I was supposed to take the day to do errands, stuff around the condo and meet her here at closing time. She suggested that it could be fun if I came at lunchtime to meet her, but that was never the plan."
Julia asks again "But why didn't you answer your phone?"
"It ran out of battery last night during the party and when I got home, I was so drunk that I forgot to plug it back in. I only plugged it when I woke up at 2. That's when the messages came in."
Julia asks "She says she tried calling your home line and you didn't answer and your machine didn't kick in."
"Yeah, that one's my fault, I knew I wanted to sleep and telemarketers have a habit of calling me early saturday mornings so I didn't want to be awoken by a call for a rug cleaning service, so I unplugged it yesterday morning, knowing I would be drunk when I got home and forget and be angry if I was awakened by a telemarketer."
Julia gave me a hint of a smile, showing me she was starting to believe me. She asked me a few more questions and then she asked what I was gonna do. I told her that whatever I'll do, I would tell Maryse first.
I looked at Stephanie and said: "Can you open the back store so I can go see her?" So we went to the backstore. As we reached the door, it swung opened and out popped Maryse, looking absolutely terrifying, I actually jumped back when I saw her. Her usual perfect makeup was completely smeared, her mascara streaking down her cheeks from the crying. Her hair was disheveled. She was a mess. Apparently, she had had enough of waiting back there and was planning on leaving the store to go home and had put her coat and boots on.
When she saw me, she went into an unhinged rant about me being an asshole for cheating on her, me not being great in bed, me not treating her right, etc. I let her vent everything she had to say, I looked at Stephanie and apologized for creating such a scene in her store. I tell Maryse we should go outside and talk in private. She keeps on yelling, but when I grab her hand to lead her outside, she follows.
When we get outside, her anger had started to wane a little, or maybe just her energy. I was able to talk to her to explain everything, how I had gotten drunk, had overslept (alone) and woke up at 2PM. I reminded her that we were only supposed to meet at 5PM not for lunch. The anger was leaving her and a smile almost appeared on her face. Through all of this I was being very calm and patient with her, which she interpreted as me not being mad at her. I then said in a firmer tone: "However..." and let it hang for a second.
The beginning smile vanished. I continued: "When you accused me of cheating on you, that broke me. That triggered memories of toxic exes who would always accuse me of cheating, not trusting me when I would tell them where I was, snooping on me, stalking me. Because of those experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy for jealousy. I told her that if she was behaving like after only two months of dating, it didn't bode well for the future and I have to protect myself."
At that, the tears started again and she just turned and ran/waddled away. I told her to wait, but she didn't hear me. I turned towards the entrance of the store to see basically all the employees and customers milling around the door trying to catch the drama. I went back inside to talk to my best friend. The mood had definitely changed and no one was giving me the stink eye anymore, but I didn't really care. I was just sad that it had ended, but proud of myself for having stood up for myself.
So AITA for getting drunk and keeping my phone turned off?
There is a lot more to this story and if you want to learn what happened afterwards, then read on.
The immediate aftermath
So I went back inside the store and talked to Stephanie. I told her that I had a reserrvation for XX restaurant and if she wanted to go with Stephen, she could take it, I wasn't in the mood for a dinner. She said "I already have plans for tonight, but thanks for offering." Julia said she would go with me if I wanted, but I just said that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I just wanted to crash and eat a pizza and get into a food coma.
Stephanie said she didn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself and I should join them at her house. They were having friends over to play board games and it could at least distract me a little. I said why not. So brimming with enthusiasm, I went to play bored games. I left early as I wasn't in the mood. I was feeling a little better, but still a bit down. I thanked Stephanie for the invite and left. I got home and just passed out on the bed.
I woke up at around 7AM the next morning and I saw along the corners of the window the tell-tale signs of a snow-drift and got excited as it was the first snow of the season. I pushed the curtains aside and looked on to see a beautiful white carpet outside. It was early enough that very few cars had marred the whiteness. I was admiring it when I noticed that, against the red bricks of the building across the street, there was a pink blotch. As I focused, the blotch became human shaped and I cleared my eyes enough to realize that it was Maryse and she was raising her cell phone to her ear.
On cue, my phone rings. I pick it up. Still sounding drunk, she asks me if we can speak. I ask her to give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll meet her down there. She asks why she can't come up. I say that I'm not sure I want her in my apartment. She says that it's cold out. I say: "Good, then this will be quick."
I get dressed and meet her outside. I'm still bleary-eyed from having woken up 5 minutes ago, but I try to get my wits together. I tell her that we're going to walk to the subway. It 's a 10-minute walk normally, but with her drunkenness, it might take 15-20 minutes. That's how long she has to tell me what she wants to tell me.
She wants to apologize for accusing me of cheating on her. She says she knows I'm a great guy and... I may be the A-hole at this point too, but I start to drift off in my little bubble and start daydreaming about, if I go back to bed, would there still be some residual heat or would it be cold? I could take a hot shower and warm the bed that way. I could still hear her in the background making excuses, saying how she had been cheated on, but I wasn't really listening.
During the daydreaming I notice it got quite quiet. I look on my left and she's not there, I turn around she's a good 5-6 steps behind me looking angry and she says: "you're not listening" I just say: "when you're right, you're right." I tell her that I understand she's been hurt too in the past, and I hope she can work to resolve her issues, but I was done and I'm going back to bed. I was a bit harsh there, but I was tired and still down.
I walk past her and get maybe 10 paces past her when I hear a scream coming from her. I turn around and I see her messing with something inside her coat. She pulls out a chef's knife with like an 8-inch blade. That wakes me the fuck up. Byebye bleary eyes, hello wakefulness. better than a cup of coffee or a red bull I tell you!
So she's got the knife, she's screaming something that I can't quite understand. She gets quiet and then she charges at me with the knife. If I'm being honest I could have stayed where I was and she probably would have missed me anyways, but someone charges at me with a knife, I'm gonna nope out of there. I take a massive side step and once she gets to where I was and realizes that I'm no longer there, she turns her head towards me and says heyyyyy.
At that point, I have a moment of clarity and see what's gonna happen. She's drunk running one way and looking another, I know she's gonna trip. As I predicted, she stumbled over her feet and starts falling to the ground. I start praying to god and anybody who would listen: "Please don't let her cut herself. I don't want to have to explain this to the doctors, EMTs and nurses. I don't want her drunk ass deciding to take revenge on me by saying I did it."
Thankfully, she winds up in a sitting position on the sidewalk holding the knife up and it was clean. Thank god for small miracles. She starts crying and, other moment of clarity, I know she's gonna turn the knife on herself now. I jump towards her and I realize I was right, the knife starts moving towards her left wrist. I tackle her, grab her right wrist and twist it so she drops the knife. I pick the knife back up and put it in my pocket. She looks at me crying and says: "Why did you stop me?"
I pick her up and take her back to my building. In my building there was a couch in the lobby, so I take her there and I sit her down and plop myself next to her. I look at her and wonder out loud: "What am I gonna do with you? What can I do?"
She goes: "Just let me go, I'll be good." I tell her that's not going to happen. I realize I have three options and I give her the three options.
"So here's the choice I give you.
1- I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted murder back there and they send the police to arrest you. I don't want to do that because that could derail your life and not get you the help you need. Besides, they might not do anything anyway as it's your word against mine.
2= I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted suicide back there and that you need to be placed on a 72 hour hold. I could do that, but at the same time, again it's my word against yours, so maybe they don't believe me.
3- I'm gonna hazard a guess here. From what I've seen, you have alcohol problems. So I'm gonna guess you were in AA, had been sober for a while, I want to say 6 months, maybe less, when we met."
She confirms my guess.
"alright so option 3, I'm guessing you had a sponsor in AA." she nods "we call them up and tell them about your relapse and what happened this morning. Can they come get you and take care of you?"
She takes her phone out and picks a contact and calls. She hands me the phone. Someone answers and I explain the situation. They said they were coming right away. I give them my address, they get here 15 minutes later. Maryse had fallen asleep in the meantime, so I wake her up gently and help her to the car. Off she went.
I went back to my apartment and just crashed back to sleep.
A month later
Mid-january, my phone rings and I see Maryse's number on there. I send her to voice mail. Another call. Voicemail again. 5 minutes later, Private number calling. "Gee I wonder who that could be." Voicemail once more.
Afterwards, I didn't get any unidentified callers for a little over a week. One afternoon, I was at work and my phone rings and it's a number I do not recognize. I pick up.
"Hello."
"Hi, is this Guy?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"This is Hannah, Maryse's sponsor. we spoke last month." I started fearing the worst.
"Yes, I remember. How can I help you?"
"Maryse tried to reach you last week and you rejected the calls. I think it could help Maryse if you listened to what she had to say. You're obviously not obligated to entertain her, but I think despite everything that happened, you still care about her or you would not have called me that morning."
"You are right, I do still care about Maryse. I'm just not sure how good it would be for her to meet me this soon after everything that happened. I understand wanting to work through the 9th step and making amends, but..." She interrupts me.
"So you know about the steps."
"Yes I have friends in the program. which is how I could guess that she was in the program too that morning."
"You know it's important."
"I know. I know. How about this: we meet in public at a cafe, you would have to be there. Not necessarily at the table with us, but nearby in case she needs help, in case meeting me causes her pain. Tell her I promise to be in a more receptive mood than I was that morning."
So we make an appointment for that saturday afternoon.
I get to the coffee shop. She's already there, and so is her sponsor. I realize happily that she's not wearing makeup. I say happily because that means she understands that this is not a date, but something serious. She's still stunningly beautiful, and I feel sad almost right away.
I grab a coffee and go join her at the table.
"Hey" I say,
"Hey. So this is gonna be uncomfortable, but thank you for agreeing to meet me and for coming, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sure you heard I quit the store."
"I have, I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't do it just because of me."
"No, I needed time to focus on myself for now."
She proceeds to tell me about how I wasn't far off with my guess. She had been sober 4 months when we met. Now she had 39 days. She tells me that in AA, if you are single, they recommend not dating anyone new for at least the first year of your sobriety as it can cause issues, similar to what happened with us. I was like her "drug" and as long as I was available, she could get her fix. But the moment I wasn't available all hell broke loose, and that is what led her back to drinking that day.
I told her I'm glad to see her back sober again this quickly and I hope she can get all the help she needs from it. I ask her if she wants to talk to me about her drinking.
She starts to share a story about how she started drinking at around 11 years old. When puberty hit her, she got into a deep depression because the sexual feelings she was starting to feel were triggering responses. As a child she had been abused by two of her uncles repeatedly and her parents never believed her. They accused her of trying to make herself interesting. That was until they caught one of those uncles red-handed.
They finally believed and took the necessary steps to protect their daughter. But they were poor and they couldn't afford therapy. So she never really got help for it. At 11, she started self medicating the depression with alcohol. When alcohol wasn't enough, she added drugs.
At that point, I was full on crying. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her that she doesn't have to stop. That the tears are there because that was one more thing we had in common. I was also a survivor of sexual assault as a child. In my case, it wasn't a family member, it was only a stranger, so it only happened once. But I also self-medicated with alcohol at the onset of puberty, switching to drugs later on too. I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of addiction, but I was still dealing with my demons, slowly making peace with them.
So there we were, sitting at a coffee shop, both crying and holding each other. I tell her that I think it's great she's getting help for her alcoholism and addicion, but was she doing anything to help with the underlying issue, the original trauma? She said no, she couldn't afford therapy. I tell her that I am a member of a survivors group and if she is interested, I could get her into a meeting and perhaps learn to heal that part of herself too.
She said that she could give it a try. I tell her I have to talk to the other members to know if I can bring someone new and I would let her know. If they said yes, we would go to her first meeting together, I would introduce her and then we would coordinate so that I never went to meetings where she was. I wanted to do that because I wanted her first few meetings to be about healing and I didn't want our own history to be intertwined or mixed in with that.
After that, we left both feeling content and, while not necesarily happy, at peace if you will. Later on, I contacted Stephanie who was one of the "pillars" of the support group (that's how we met) to ask her if it was okay for me to bring in a new member to the group. She said sure. She asked if it was anyone she knew. I told her she would have to meet her at the meeting if she decides to come.
We were having a meeting the following day. I called Maryse, told her the time and place, and she said she would be there. She came to the group meeting and was shocked to see Stephanie there but Stephanie kinda guessed that it was Maryse I was referring to.
I introduce her, we start sharing stories, talking about how we're feeling, etc. The meeting was good and Maryse liked the vibe. So for the first six months after that, I never saw Maryse and we planned which meeting we would be attending to ensure we didn't cross paths. She started feeling much better.
After maybe 2 and a half years, she finally felt ready and she started dating again. She met someone and she fell for him. They were together for about six months, she looked happy. Unfortunately after about six months, she caught him cheating on her. We tried supporting her, being good friends, cursing his name, doing all the things we could to make sure she didn't relapse. But on April 5th 2014, she ODed on heroin. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that.
Hannah took her in and she set up a room for Maryse. She was still in a fragile state, so a group of her friends and I started taking turns watching over Maryse, making sure there was always at least one person there with her to keep her company.
Despite our vigilance, on May 14th 2014, when Hannah was out running a quick errand, she was gone maybe 15 minutes tops, Maryse found a way to cut her wrists and she died. We found a note saying that "the OD was not an accident, and neither was that. Thanks for everything you did for me. I love you all, but I can't do this anymore."
It feels good to write that story (I'll just ignore the fat tears rolling down my face!). Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long story, I just started writing and couldn't stop. I apologize if it was a bit of a bummer.

This is a long read sorry!
Hi, I (22F) literally just joined, I have been on reddit for a while now, I post here or there but I really need the grace that only reddit seems to have, kisses but you know it's true. So, I guess, I am screaming into the void, because the truth is I am so gutturally confused.
Like the title says- I have always fantasized of being a flower child, a changeling, of turning towards the corner of the yard, the woods beckoning me to run away, the gentleness of which the coyotes would pick my bones clean. My childhood felt like a house fire only I could see.
My father's nightcap of whiskey got less and less watered down as nights were uncomfortable to spend on the family room couch. The one that he fiercely protects, once threatening my friend who mistakenly lounged in his spot. My mother's love felt scarce, a luxury only my younger sister could afford. Between that and her ambition to become the first nurse and college graduate of both families, I was more of my father's daughter. My younger sister and I were doll-like children, meek and polite to the price of our own dignity and self. To give a brief snapshot of what it was like being raised by them \~ even though "I'm remembering it all wrong, or not at all" I will try to go in chronological order, but you can quickly see most of these were not isolated incidents and I jump around:
-daily spankings because of crying during daycare drop off (fair technique)
-tricking us out of the "broken" car, in the rain on a dirt road "get gas" and proceeded to speed past us laughing as we ran after his taillights in the mud, we were in another country, on a solo trip with just our dad, we were both elementary school age.
-In elementary school and 6th grade I lived in a sweatshirt because when I hit puberty. I pleaded to my mother how hard it was to hear my father's constant comments about my womanhood and new body. He started to compare me to a hooker around this time, calling me a slut for trying to wear what my friends wore to school- leggings, shorts shorter than the knee but not offensively short I promise, though I strongly feel as clothing does not mean consent.
-For as long as I can remember, he would take pictures of us when we looked embarrassed then show it to family, friends, whoever in conversation in front of us then scold us when we inevitably felt bad or asked him to stop. He would also promise to delete the photo but would continue the previously mentioned above.
-So far, I have just been harping on my father, but the truth is they are a match made in hell, and though I feel like my mother is a victim in her own way. It was very hard to exist without their constant horrible comments about my appearance and character. They both shamed skinny children to be thinner, critiqued my body through puberty, and felt entitled to touch my body when and how they wanted. Examples include my father's frequent ass grabbing, and then allowing his adult male friend to do the same.
-They both would ridicule me for working minimum wage jobs in high school, while my father funnels out of my sister and I's joint accounts, only when we confront him does he fess that he required the money we earned for ourselves for the "mortgage". He continues as well as set monetary account goals, right before trips or plans, he would always be surprised that we had managed to scrape together enough money. He expects me to find a place that will fire and schedule me on a winter vacation, or to amount 5k in less than 3 months, while paying for my own necessities, thank you for teaching me to live on frugality as a means of survival.
-The name calling I touched on, but I would be the first to come home from school, my father would take his lunch to come home and berate me verbally of how much of a loser I am and will continue to be. The verbal arguments were daily, I fully admit to yelling back but in truth I couldn't leave his spewing red face hurling threats, I had to stay glued in place until he had his fill.
-Another solo trip with my father and sister, my mother had cleaned my room while we were away and had found my treasures- vapes, two beers. I got pulled out of the running shower to be beaten on and off through the night whenever my father took a break from tv, my sister sob in the room with my father to stop and I sat on the couch until morning. We had a tourist excursion the next day and I got it again before we left because I was not to "ruining the rest of his vacation with my bad attitude"
-They locked away my childhood cat, sick with cancer, to die alone in the basement so she would ruin their floors with her incontinence. When she passed, they did not tell me, they buried her in the woods behind our house, I wish I could lay beside her, I'm sorry little one.
-My father would come home and yell at me for not having dinner ready for him, because when my mother worked late or was not home, the next one responsible for dinner was my younger sister or me.
-He physically corners us or refuses to let us leave. Threatened my life when I tried to leave the house during an argument.
-Put his hand through the door a couple of times because I “gave attitude” by responding with ok. Readers, please note I am capable of attitude, but this was not the case, I was scared, and I just wanted to give him whatever answer he wanted
-I'm a summer birthday, so for my big 21st I had my cousin, bf and sister have a pool party in my parents' pool. No one told me the plan all day. I was told to just relax by everyone, because normally I would be running around serving people or helping my parents. No one told me anything, so we played some games in the yard, had some wine coolers and then swam. My father flies outside and starts yelling at me from the side of the pool to get my ass out and blow out my candles because he needs to drive my cousin 20 minutes home each way. So, I blew out my candles, soaking wet staring daggers because my father has always managed to underplay or make me feel bad on my birthday too? Another grievance from my 21st birthday is that my father grilled frozen steaks, and I truly do not want to seem like a stuck-up princess, but he proceeded to buy 300$ of food from my favorite restaurant and his favorite food is steak not mine. Note his birthday is the next day following mine.
I may post in regard to the tribulation that was my childhood in this thread again, but it takes a lot out of me, and I have already had myself a day sorry. Now you're all caught up and I just want you to know-
I have long ruminated over my own words and actions; though I have many regrets I do not feel ashamed of my choices or who I am because I try to treat everyone with kindness and most importantly respectability. I know the lengths my immigrant parents have gone through to build themselves a life. I know the struggles my father had with his father, the alcoholic who raised him with cruelty reserved for not even a barn animal. I know that my mother lived in the shadows as a neglected middle child hoping to find someone who realized all her good in the way her parents did not. I can see and understand that I carry the same wounds, and now it is within my responsibility to be better.
So, my relationship with my parents is strained right now. I have been in low contact with my mother and father for nearly four years, with periods of better contact. We have tried therapy, though it's difficult as my mother uses this as an opportunity to explore her wounds rather than our history or relationship. Though the therapist was helpful in directing the conversation back, I believe that the work can only happen with the person wanting to actually work on themselves, so I feel like I am at a frustrating impasse.
Every time I feel like I can take out a brick between the wall I keep between us, my mother will say something that makes me build another layer. I try not to be sensitive, yet I know my mother likes to cut with her words, though she claims otherwise. In a recent conversation my mother admitted that my father and she spent a great effort in making sure my beauty did not go to my head and did this in order to keep me humble.
For context, my mother’s side of the family does not like my father, and this along with other childhood issues festering into adulthood drove a wedge between my mother and her younger brother. His recent divorce and my mother’s empty nest have given them much time and space to rekindle their sibling relationship. So on our already strained phone calls she hits me with these metaphors of her brother and her relationship to ours. Am I off for thinking that those are two very different relationships, yet both have.. Jealousy? Furthermore, I feel a looney because I am fighting to keep them in my life, and they are fighting to be right.? To be absolved of the guilt and shame that maybe they did do the wrong thing.?
What gives them the right? When we all have to lay away at night with our guilt you want me to hold yours? I want a mother and they want a guiltless soul
Truthfully, I do not know what kind of future lies ahead for us. I think I grieve having bullies instead of parents, of what I missed out on and who I could have been. Like I said I am low contact right now, but after a normal phone call talking about the weather and our pets today, I had an anxiety attack to the point I fought to stay conscious. This has not been the first time I have fainted due to anxiety, mostly surrounding situations that remind me of them or things they punished or did to me in the past. The day after I wished my father a happy birthday after a year of no contact, I got two pills of ativan to the face after a ER visit in which they thought my poor bf was trafficking me. Though this is maybe too much, I am always sweating, my sides literally pour, my hands shake, and I can string together a sentence if I try. I feel like a different person, a moist, meek person.. which is not me, I self tattoo and pierce, I can and have tackled an attacking dog and I have punched touchy men square in the nose. I’m tough because I fought tooth and nail to be kind and gentle, we rescued cats and recently a possum, and we let out spiders and bugs, so our cats don’t terrorize them.
Here’s the thing… we’re getting married!
We’re tying the knot in the woods at the end of May, but I feel like an asshole because I have not told my parents. They know we’re engaged.
My mother, in a recent phone call, told me of this travel nurse that she had gotten close to, that was getting married soon, and invited my mother to go dress shopping with her. My mother told me how sad this girl felt that her family was all the way across the country, coincidently much like we are. This felt like she was guilting me, but she went so far as to send me a picture of a couple, I didn’t verify who it actually was.
Another issue is I am dealing with the guilt of getting a ring and bands elsewhere. My father is a high-end jeweler whose work has been showcased by celebs, my whole life I heard that my father was going to design and make my engagement ring. After long consideration, we picked out a ring from Madrid that felt more like me. When I look at my wedding rings I want to think of my husband not my father. I am more than happy with anything else, rings for other occasions, but it makes my skin crawl and my stomach curling because part of me feels as if it's more of a collar than a ring then.
My mother wants to meet over memorial weekend, she wants me to fly out a day to visit before I’m getting married.
I do not know if I should facetime them and break the news before, after or invite them. It’s already last minute so airfare will be expensive, but I know they are going to be so heartbroken. Part of me does not want them there either because I have felt alone my whole life, I figured I would do my wedding the same way, though it's hard because my fiancé's family will be there, and I will have no one. I wish I could hire a friend... lol typed that with a tear in my eye that's ironic.
Suggestions please

AITAH for not believing thaf my husband did not cheat Hi guys i am going thru a dilemma. I (25 F) and my husband (30 M) are both pakistani and live in gulf. we had our paper marriage aka Nikkah in 2017 and got married i.e., moved into his house in 2019. we've known each other since 2016 and this was a love marriage. my husband went against his parents wishes to get married to me whereas my family is very supportive of whatever choices i make during covid i moved into my parents house because of my 2 younger brothers 15 and 12 at that time as my parents got stuck in our home country for 6 months and my husband would spend 4 days with me and 4 days with his parents. i.e., peak covid lock down in 2020. since ive known my husband this is the first time i accidentally found out his phone password whereas he always insisted on having all of my social media passcodes in past. anyways i opened up his snapchat without any melicious intent of checking out his phone to get a few couple photos that we took on his phone and snapchat showed memories of last year of same date. it was with some filipinos (nothing against them but where i live they are usually considered as sex workers). i went and checked the old photos and i saw that he had pictures with alot of random women and specifically with his ex gf in year 2018. they both had taken alot of selfies from his sitting very close to each other in bars and even alone in car, again very close to each other in his arms. i also found out he was asking filipino their rates for sex works and he also met 1 of them in his car and went to meet one of in a mall during peak covid lockdown. anyways i didnt plan to talk to him about it because i was newly wed and didnt want to face consequences and i thought he might stop on his own. fast forward a few months later my parents came back safely and i moved back into my husbands house with his parents and this is the time when i first actually started living with them and with in a few weeks my FIL came to hit me with a shoe when i refused to give him my phone as a punishment for using it so often. anyways things started escalating alot and me and husband were having regular fights because of his parents always crossing boundaries. then one day we had a fight and in the heat of the moment i accidentaly said out about his affairs. so we talked about it and he said that he met his ex gf just like a freind as she came back from her home country after a long time and the he was asking for rates of filipinos for his single freind. when i asked about what did you do with the filipino you picked up in car he said that they just ate shawarmas by the sea side. i was naive and i bought into his narrative. even tho i agreed to believe in his story, the un easy feeling never left to the point where i refuse to have a child with him as i dont think i have a secure future with him. due to his parents bickering all the time i finally snapped back at them and they made a huge deal out of it and threw me out the house and me and my husb both went no contact for 1 whole year as i demanded for a seperate house even if i have face hunger. when did finally talk again he convinced me that this wont happen again from his parents side and he will start fulfilling my basic rights as a wife i.e., fulfil my basic needs, maintain peace, and protect. during this whole time my father was the one who fulfilled all my basic needs. anyways i moved back in with in end of 2021 and he did nit stay true to his word. he still picks out fights. his parents still shout scream at me occasionally and he only gives me bare minimum monthly allowance which is not enough for me and i still have to end up asking my father for money. please keep in mind i am a university student and my father pays for all car maintenance, university fees and essential needs. and the amount that my husband gives me usually goes out in just fuel and a few meals in university. anyways the point is that coming back to his house in 2021 till end of 2023 we used to constant fights mostly because of his anger issues and just generally being rude and in bad mood all the time. i had beg him crying to change his behaviour towards me and to be nicer to me when talks or else i will have no other option than to leave him. he did become nicer for 3 months until he started being rude again for over daily routine issues until his family was hit by huge crisis due to his younger brothers fault. thats when he bacame polite to me again. ‼️‼️‼️ my main dilemma. after all of these ups downs i really thought i was seeong some improvement in him and i was finally feeling optimistic about my future with him but i guess god has some other plans. he accidentally forgot to lock his phone last month and i found out he had been texting sex workers again and asking their prices. he was also in contact with a girl, lets call her J, via snapchat since 2021 till now and only few chats were saved in one which he was begging to convince her that i am not his wife rather his sister. apparently J saw me and husband out somewhere. i let all of this go again since i thought its pointless bring this up as things are now improving. 2 weeks after me finding out i get randomly get dick pic from my husband at 4 am when i was sleeping next to him and he was awake and came back from a night out with his freinds. when i woke up my husband was asleep,i found it very suspicious since we dont these kind of pictures anymore. he forgot to lock his phone again and LO AND BEHOLD he sent the same dick pic to her with me literally sleeping next to him. what fathoms me the most is that how could he not feel any shame with me laying next to him. anyways i talked about it a few days later and he basically told me that he was trying check J's loyalty for his freind. please keep in mind his freind is also married and has 3 4 kids. i asked my husband why did you do it for your freind when you shouldve understood it the first time i caught you and made a issue out of it and he said i thought that i would understand him doing all this for a freind and i shouldve specifically asked him stop doing it for his freinds if i have such issues. anyways a part of me wants to believe his bullshit story but a part of me knows that he is trying to manipulate me again as i cant even why a person who went against his parents wishes would literally go out of his way to ruin his marriage. does he want me to intiate the divorce so that he dosent get the blame. wtf is it i am so confused and i would most definitley will never have a child with a person who cheats. should i believe him or not. he keeps saying that he doesnot plan on leaving me or bringing a second wife is he expecting me to be ok with him cheating as long as i am not replaced.

TLDR: My dad failed as a parent and didn’t help me through huge hurdles in life, now he wants to be in my life. I don’t want to cut him out completely, but can’t keep turning him away. What now?
Don’t get me wrong, my dad is a really amazing person and was a huge factor for who I am today… but this is the third time in the last two months he’s shown up at my house.
Background: My parents broke up the day I was conceived, married quickly after they found out, and suddenly had a Very dysfunctional blended family. They divorced when I was 8, and both got remarried when I was in my teens. I was the only byproduct of that failed marriage, and was the only one in my households with shared custody. In total, I have 8 siblings. Four half siblings (all older) and four step-siblings (2 on my mom’s side, 2 on my dad’s) and I’m the youngest of them… Kinda. Almost all of them have more siblings from their other parents, so I’m somewhere in the middle, but there’s 23 kids in this generation alone.
My siblings often blamed me for why their lives sucked. The oldest ones wished they had never met my sister Halsey (older than me, younger than them) or had a new dad in their lives, Halsey said I took away her only chance of having a mom and was bitter that I had both parents in my life, and most of the step siblings were very unhappy that my parents had married their parents. To top things off, my dad was fairly depressed after fighting for custody of Halsey and even more so once my mom was through with him. So he agreed to fairly limited custody and my primary caregiver was a raging alcoholic with untreated bipolar disorder.
I got kicked out by my mom when I came out as trans at 15, and my dad said he couldn’t take me in because his girlfriend (now wife) and her kids had recently moved in. I couch surfed, eventually my oldest sibling bought me an apartment to stay in, worked 2 jobs until just last year, survived chemo/radiation treatments due to cancer, and never had family I could rely on. I stopped treatment two years ago because they weren’t improving my condition at all and my grandma had gotten sick, so she wasn’t able to take care of her mom (my great-grandma). I’ve accepted my limited timeline, moved closer to those grandmas, and thankfully have a boyfriend who helps support me as I’m not working anymore.
Onto the present: Well about half a year ago my dad reached back out, he regretted not being in my life aside from occasional holidays and birthday wishes. I didn’t. He’s a great person, but was a terrible parent. Two months ago he and his wife showed up at my house without even telling me they were going to be in town. I tried to humor them and sit outside to chat, despite his wife asking for the “grand tour” several times. I’ve lived here 3 years, they didn’t help me move or visit once until that day. The final straw was when they started nagging me for “never visiting”. It’s 1.5hr drive each way and I’ve been to their house twice a year since I turned 18!
I don’t know what I was thinking, but I just laid into my dad. Told him about the constant bullying at school, growing up being abused by my mother, facing homelessness, Halsey almost getting me expelled from my high school and physically attacking me in public later that year, getting my cancer diagnosis, having multiple surgeries since I’ve been 18, going through domestic violence with my ex, taking care of my grandma and great-grandma, and never feeling as though I had any family despite having so many relatives. Just because his step-kids have moved out and Halsey is in jail, doesn’t mean he can run to me as the backup child. He didn’t show up when I asked him to act like my dad 8 fucking years ago, so he can’t decide to be my dad now of all times.
He started crying at some point while I was talking and his wife joined in when I said that final sentence. I told them to get off my property and to go back to waiting for their Christmas cards. I didn’t cry until I was back inside my house.
They both showed up again a couple weeks ago, but nobody answered the door and I texted him to go home. This past weekend he stopped by and I answered the door to ask why he’s bothering me and my family. He asked to meet them, but I turned it down. My dad tried to explain that he didn’t realize I had gone through so much and was struggling himself after he and my mom divorced, but I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t. My dad fought for six years to save my sister Halsey, but didn’t even try for me.
Since then I’ve been getting friend requests on social media from him, his wife, and her kids. His wife and her kids have also been sending me messages about reconciling with Halsey, despite going NC with her years ago.
I just can’t take it anymore, but I also don’t want to completely cut him out of my life. He messed up, we all do. It wasn’t malicious, yet it caused so much pain. I’m in therapy and have been since 18, but I can hardly leave my house or have the energy to do anything around the house. What do I even do from here? Why does it feel like I’ve lost my dad all over again?

TLDR; My kids don't like their dad, even so far as resent him because he is always working.
I (f30) have been with my husband (m30) for 12 years. Together we have a ten year old daughter and a five year old son. Both special needs. Husband is suspected to be on the spectrum.
My husband and I grew up in vastly different childhoods. He is an immigrant from the Philippines and had a family that showed no affection or love. I, however, grew up with a Mom who never let us forget how much she loved us. This has played a big role in our parenting styles.
My husband and my daughter have never had the best relationship. To my perspective it seem that he just doesn't know how to act with kids. They are also so alike that they can butt heads. When my son was born, my husband had a much easier time bonding with him. Up until 1.5 years old, they were two peas in a pod. My daughter was 6 when I had my son, and she saw the difference In how they were treated.
Side note: my daughter has been in therapy since 5 due to catastrophic anxiety and has even had to be medicated.
My daughter started to think her dad didn''t like her, which was understandable to me. And it was something she worked on in therapy. Then the dialoged changed from thinking her dad doesn't like her, to now she doesn't like her dad.
My husband has always worked hard to provide for us, making sure bills are always paid, there's always food, etc. I always worked full time as well, until 2020. In 2020 my husband got a job as an executive chef, since the kids had to be home due to covid, we decided I would quit my job and stay with the kids. It was cheaper than child care.
If you look up "what it's actually like being a chef's wife" you instantly see it's very lonely. My husband works 16-18 hour days, he has two scheduled days off, but sometimes he has to go in on those days as well. When he is home he does his best to help out and spend time with us. However, he is understandably exhausted.
Once my son started pre-k, he no longer gets to see my husband very much at all. His bus arrives before his dad is up, and his dad gets home after my son is asleep. He see's him sundays, and Monday evenings. That's it. My husband missed him growing into childhood. My daughter only see's him every day because her school starts later and he often takes her to school. She's asleep before he gets home as well. I feel like a single parent most of the time.
On my own I got my daughter's mental health stable and got her off meds by age 8.
My daughter kept consistent with saying she doesn't like her dad, only it changed to hate. She started saying she hates when he is home. Even though in my eyes, their relationship looks (on the surface,) to be much better now that she is older. My son, four at the time, started to say he didn't like daddy, only mommy.
I talked to my husband about spending more time with them, try to bond a little more, maybe take an occasional day off (he hasn't taken one off in four years). He felt really guilty and spiraled into a deep depression. In his head, there is NO room for adjusting his schedule, or taking extra time off.
Another side note: In the middle of all this my husband was offered a different exec chef job, which would of paid about the same, but we would of had benefits, PTO, Bonuses, and a family friendly schedule. But it's corporate, which he hates. He loves where he cooks at now.
Both kids have been keeping up with the negative feelings toward their dad (it's very obvious he loves them). Everytime I tried to talk to my daughter about it, go deeper, as in WHY she feels this way, I was met with "I don't know" and she would shut down.
Yesterday I pick up my daughter from school and when we get home she sees her dad is home. Instantly her attitude changes and she starts saying how she hates her dad, she wishes he wasn't home and that he would just leave forever. However this time she told me a little more. She's depressed, she wanted to go back on meds, and she's just having a hard time all together. She told me she resented her dad for never being there. That he isn't her father and she would be happy if she never saw him again.
I validated her feelings, I mean, I totally get where she is coming from, and I let her know we would get through this together.
It hurts my heart to hear these things. I don't know how to handle the situation.
Should I tell my husband and hope it gets through to him enough for him to make a change? Or do I just spare my husband feelings because most likely nothing is going to change and this way we'd avoid another depression episode, and just be there for my daughter, handle it on my own?
HELP!
Edit: We do not NEED him to work those hours, he isn't working long hours for finances. This is what his job entails, and he is VERY dedicated to his job. It's his passion.

A group of friend and I (all foreigners), were at this bar in Shinjuku. It must've been 3AM when this drunk Japanese girl comes and says Hi. We welcomed her and started to have friendly conversations with her although her English wasn't very good.
She was with another group, I believe they were all coworkers but ended up leaving her with us. We all thought that was strange I mean who leaves without her friend. She then asks us if she can stay with us at our hotel.
We were all put on this awkward position. Honestly we didn't know how to say "No" We were 3 couples so it be strange to have a stranger in our rooms. We did decline after and even offer to pay for a taxi for her but she insisted in staying with us!
We ended up just leaving her in the bar. We all felt bad but just got me thinking is this something that happens often? Is it part of the culture?

To start things, we had a thing for a year, kinda a relationship but not really, we were both happy though for roughly 6 months, but right around that time mark i started to notice really weird actions like taking pictures of our chats (it could have been the stupidest thing said) and she would still just need to take a picture of it, most the time shed try to do it without me knowing but i would since shed go on her computer. Anyways, the point is, she had 720 pictures and 4 screen recordings (I remember that number exactly) over. A years worth of conversations. Ontop of that, she also would check my live snap location many times a day, and would bash me if i was active for 1 minute before responding to her. I was naive, i thought she had just really liked me, and in turn, i unfortunately fell in love with her. Things went on, getting sour, i noticed she had been backing away but how could she? After saying everything she had said? (Like in a loving way) It was so confusing and so hurtful and she needed a break and then i found out she was with one of my friends and “getting touchy” (no sex) and then came back day after. Now i know its stupid as fuck to take someone back afrer they leave you for someone let alone talk to them but i thought she was genuine, she didnt have much experience and was confused, and it was a grade a opportunity, i mean my friends dad litterally coaches a professional sports team. After i had got back together with her, she had lied about how she felt, it is obvious now but, she wanted another break out of nowhere and now were friends. Sorry, “friends” because i havent responded to her in a while. Thats basically the story in short, but the things that lead onto the “manipulation” (i put that in quotes since i need help determining whether or not this is actually a case of this) every single time ive ever talked to any other women its been BATSHIT. absolute batshit. She would talk about fate and meant to be and how everything is crumbling, like lady… every time ive tried to leave her life, blocking her, unadding her, telling her goodbye i wish you the best, she always finds a way to slither back into my life and im not even sure if i can do anythint wbout it anymore. Im friends with her brother, her best friends, parents, and were going to the same college come fall. Im not sure what to do here, i feel as though i have been manipulated since she has litterally been leading me on and off for a year, feeding me with shit i wanted to hear. And the worst part is im pretty well off the in the female department, meaning i had opportunities to get with other people during our thing! But nope, i sacrificed everything for someone who will remove me from their life but when i try and remove them, its war. Hell i even tried ending our streak a couple days ago, and i got hit with a “ph youre trying to leave again huh” 🫣 wdym by that lady, and before any “block her” reccomendations, i kinda cant, but know that im like 70% moved on already, and ive also already accepted the fact that shes probably with another fude rn. Help. Lol.

We reside in dubai. My husband is European, and my due date is in mid-June. Several members of my husband's family, who always live in Europe, have inquired whether we plan to bring our newborn to Europe to visit the extended family before we relocate to China in September, where my husband has a job offer. The logistics of such a trip seem daunting to me. Initially, we must pack up our belongings in dubai and arrange for them to be shipped via a relocation company. Then, we would need to travel to Europe, which involves a lengthy journey as his family live on the outskirts , requiring changing trains twice, a bus ride, and a car journey to reach their home. As this would be my first child, I am very protective and hesitant about exposing my newborn to such extensive travel and interaction with numerous relatives. Additionally, once we depart from Europe, we must promptly fly to China to settle down and find a new apartment. I am torn between the desire to accommodate my in-laws' wishes and the need to prioritize the well-being and comfort of our tiny little family. Our in-laws have been expressing dissatisfaction with our decision, conveying their sadness and disappointment. They've never considered leaving Europe and have even suggested, at one point, that we should move back to reunite with the rest of the family. However, my husband and I currently have no plans to move back anytime soon. They've been putting a lot of pressure on us regarding this issue
Would it be selfish of us to opt against visiting Europe to present our baby to the family in laws? Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Used-Register3714 posting in AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC
Ongoing as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 2nd March 2024
Update1 - 14th April 2024
Update2 - 11th May 2024
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WIBTA if I turned down a promotion due to my original transfer being blocked?
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WIBTA? Little back story, I started working for a company in early 2022 as what they labeled as Admin, but don't let that fool you we were no admins, we worked 3 different departments that they combined into one with 3 people to cover everything, plus we were constantly fixing Customer Service mistakes.
Nov 2022 I met with the director of the Benefits Dept at work because I was interested in transferring and we went over the department, what the job entails and what I could start working on to better my chances at transferring. I checked in with the director many times as I finished different tasks such as completing the training courses, shadowing members of the team, and taking part in live trainings.
Early 2023 the director got a promotion to be the director of another department. In March a spot opened up in Benefits and it was a little outside what I knew, it was more a specialized position, but I still applied. I met with a few managers and the new director for interviews. We discussed many things and it was a positive experience, they were even happy with the steps that I had taken with the previous director. However, because it was such a specialized position they didn't want to throw me into the deep end, so they told me to apply for a different position when it opened up.
In May the other position opened up and I applied and basically skipped the interviews. The director and I meet and we discussed getting me transferred and doing it in a hybrid type manner. That worked for me and it worked for my current manager at the time too. Sadly, it feel through and I could never seem to get an answer as to why. It started out as budget reasons, totally understandable, but then it switched to not having troubleshooting knowledge that I would have if I had worked in Customer Service.
I had meeting with my (admin) manager and director, she covers both admin and customer service, I asked more clarifying questions as to why the transfer fell through but no one could give me a straight answer. We developed a plan to get me transferred to Benefits that caused me to route through Customer Service. I was transferred into Customer Service in November 2023.
Our CS team is split into basically 2 levels, 1 being online requests which is where everyone starts. You work a variety of requests and can gain a lot of knowledge. This is currently where I am. The second level is working the phones and helping the people that call in. This is more limited subject matter and can also carry a lot of "downtime" as they cannot work the online requests like the first level can because they will be on and off the phone all day.
Here is where I am wondering if I WIBTA. I have figured out, though not confirmed, that my directors boss is the one that blocked my transfer back in May and she is just a bitch/micromanager in general. Now someone from out phone team is leaving and it has been hinted that I might be the next one to move up. While it would come with a pay increase, not a lot or enough for the crap that we go through, I don't want it because I see it as more detrimental to me possibly transferring to my preferred department.
WIBTA if I said no because it would do more harm than good. Then turning around and asking how much longer I needed to be in the Customer Service department before I could apply to another position in the Benefits Dept?
Maybe helpful to also know that my customer service manager is not the best, she seems to bow down the the micromanager and she can't seem to manage a team of 10ish people, nor was she able to do half her job for moths and my admin manager was the one doing her work.
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Comments
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Magdovus
They're screwing you around. If you're good at your current role they don't want to move you. You could tell them that they transfer you or you leave, but they probably don't care about you much. Alternatively, just coast along, do what you must to keep management off your back and find a new job.

OOP: I've been thinking about coasting and just working my job description. Our phone team is technically down one person, and we have to help cover the missing persons time on phones. It's split, between most of us that work the first level. I might come out of that meeting with no phone time because it's not part of my job and you are probably right they don't want to move me because of that.

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RndmIntrntStranger
NTA you do not have to stay at a job where you feel like you’re not growing/moving up. do not let any employer trick you into thinking that you owe it to them to stay there if it no longer works out for you. time to update your resume and start job hunting to see what’s out there.

OOP: Already started. I even interviewed for the same company that my coworker is joining. It will be interesting if we end up working together again.

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Update - 6 weeks later
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So I was an idiot and decided to take the promotion. Not my finest moment.
However, things have taken a turn for the interesting.
A week after I took the promotion another team that I have been interested in but never thought I could work in tapped me to transfer to their team. I ended up reaching out to our HR team to gather some guidance and spoke with our recruiter that works internally and externally.
He gave me some good pointers and helped me navigate how to best approach the conversation. The conversation then turned to my manager and I let him know all the issues I've been having with her, including not approving PTO till timecards are being turned in amongst other issues. Turns out I am not the first person to bring these concerns forward and HR is actively looking into the situation.
I ended up having a conversation with my manager the following week and from the start of the conversation I knew it wouldn't have the outcome I was hoping for based off of her body language. And I was right, even with laying everything out I was denied my managers blessing because I just moved tiers.
But the fun part of all of this is that she tried to pull the 6-month rule as to why I couldn't apply. The 6-month rule is part of our handbook. "You have to be in your position for 6-months before you can transfer internally for non-exempt employees." I asked my manager to get us clarification since we both had different understanding of the rule.
I know position could be tier, however I asked our HR team and the said position is department based. A better wording would be in my department for 6-months.
The following week she director was out so can't do anything that week so the following week I asked for a follow up. Guess who forgot to follow up with me. Not the first time she has done this. She is now saying it is tier based and I have to be in my position for a YEAR.
I reached back out to HR and we are now looping in the head of HR to talk about this.
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Comments
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rendar1853
Why did you take the promotion when you knew this person was playing games with your career?

OOP: Believe me I am pissed at myself for taking it. I have been a people pleaser for so long and it's something I've been improving on and I was caught in a weak moment. I did have some hope that the agreement that was in place before this person became my manager would be honored but I was naive to think so.
I can always back out of the new position if need be, which I have been think about.

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Magdovus
Ask HR if you can apply for jobs in the other department as an external candidate instead of an internal one. When they ask why tell them that quitting and reapplying seems to be the only way to avoid your current department managers trying to ruin your career.

OOP: This is a thought that I have. Going to wait and see what happens with my next meeting with HR. They seem supportive of my transfer so they may be able to pull some strings to make it happen, but this is on my radar.

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Update - 1 month later
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So it has been a month of back and forth, and we still don’t technically have a resolution but I thought I might give a quick update.
After our director was back I reached out to my manager to ask if they had received clarification and they said: “if you move tiers your clock restarts and I have to be in my department for a year”. That still didn’t sit right with me, I had previously contacted HR as a minor inquiry if the clock was tier or department and they had said department.
I reached back out to the head of our HR team and set up a meeting so that we could discuss this. In that meeting, HR agreed with me and said that they would speak with the director to get clarification on what was going on and she would get back to me by the end of the week. She did and told me straight up that I met the tenure requirements to be able to apply for a transfer. Now I was supposed to get an update but it was postponed due to people being out of the office and things like that. But I finally got the update last week. They are saying no for two reasons now, I don’t meet the requirements of the job, such as a degree, and performance. But my performance has never been addressed. When I have made mistakes, I informed and the mistakes never happened again.
As for the degree thing, that can be worked around, and that is something that the manager or that team is working on for me.
But now they are saying that it is a big concern of theirs. My question at this point is if it was such a big concern why was that not brought up from the beginning? Why were we only discussing my tenure as the reason that I couldn’t apply?
Honestly, I almost quit in that meeting right there. The only reason that I am even thinking of staying is that the team that I would be transferring to is amazing and I already know how they operate and I already work closely with them.
I should be having another meeting next week with the manager and director and I am going to likely loop in HR as well.
I have decided that if I am blocked from applying I will be leaving and I will be citing that as well as many other reasons as to why I am leaving. The least of which is the fact that I now know that the director has gone and bad-mouthed an employee to another manager that someone was hoping to transfer over to.
Edit to add: I just spoke with a coworker who left a few weeks ago. They pulled the same things with him. He wanted to go to another department but they had a meeting with him saying that they saw him on a different path, one that kept him in the department. He said they did that to our other coworker who left just before him too.
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Comments
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No-Dig7828
Update resume and GTFO now.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

In the game Re Zero: Lost in Memories that's now shut down, their used to be a Melancholy if that starts from arc 3.
And unlike the other if routes Subaru has forbid himself of using RBD because of Rem's last words; "Please... live."
The author stated that this was supposed to be April Fools story too but because of unexpected schedule delay he's putting it in the game. Thus confirming that this is supposed official Melancholy IF story.
Since it is still in the progress of being translated, I tried my best at summarizing and translating it. There might be some errors here and there but hope you enjoy it.
How it diverges from the main story is that; After Rem gets killed by Betelgeuse in arc 3, Subaru doesn't go to Mathers' domain and doesn't get killed by Puck.
After wandering in the forest while carrying Rem's corpse in the forest for a while, Subaru gets found by Reinhardt.
And after burying her in the bed of flowers that was nearby, Subaru faints, and wakes up at Astrea Mansion. But as Subaru starts to relive the memory of Rem being killed, he embeds that painful memory inside his brain and vows for vengeance.
After hearing what happened while he was in sleep from Reinhardt (mainly about Emilia's faction being eliminated by the witch cult) Subaru spends rest of his time learning swordsmanship from him.
But as Reinhardt starts to spend more and more time teaching Subaru, he slowly realizes that Subaru is willing to throw away his own life if it meant revenge. And after that moment, Reinhardt announces that if Subaru doesn't change that aspect of self-destruction in his behavior, he will teach him no longer. After hearimg that, Subaru explodes in anger and leaves after thanking Reinhardt for teaching him how to wield a sword. After leaving the Astrea mansion Subaru wanders around and stumbles into unknown territory, after a while he realizes that Crusch Faction had been erased from history due to the battle against the White Whale.
And there he meets up with Patrasche that somehow survived and she- Patrasche -voluntarily follows Subaru.
And so, they go on a journy to get revenge on the witch cult.
Later on, Subaru joins the gangworld (not an organization, just a term such as criminal underworld) to gain information about the Witch Cult. There, he meets Elsa Granhiert again and starts a friendly relationship with her like in the Pride Route but in more equal grounds. As he starts to help out Elsa's missions, she starts teaching him about her fighting style.
20 years have gone by yet Subaru still has no clue where the Witch Cult and Betelgeuse is.
Now due to the pain he has experienced so far, Subaru's personality has completely changed. He cannot empathize nor sympathize with others. He is cruel to both himself and others. And also due to trauma of not being able to do anything while Rem was being killed, his personality is now very self-deprecating. His face now resembles Hector, his outfit is similar to that of Al. He now wields a prosthetic arm made out of Rem's flail because he lost his left arm.
After returning to Lugnica, Subaru stumbles across the Loot House, and he meets old man Rom again there.
Subaru requests for information about Witch Cult but leaves without much success since Rom doesn't have any information that's useful right now.
While wandering around the ruins of Mathers' Mansion Subaru stumbles across the Forbidden Library and finds out that Beatrice is still alive.
Subaru requests a contract with Beatrice in order to achieve revenge against Betelgeuse but she refuses and orders him to leave.
Again, without much success Subaru leaves. But he takes few goods inside the Mathers' Mansion to exchange it for money at Rom's loot house to buy new equipments. (It seems that Roswaal too, has died.)
After somehow recieving long-awaited information about Betelgeuse (I don't really remember how it happened) Subaru plans for an ambush. First, he assassinates nearby Cultists one by one using Shamak. And to make Betelgeuse's guard down, he fights without using his full strength. And takes a blow from an Unseen Hand without dodging it. As Betelgeuse approaches, Subaru takes out a blade that was stored inside his prosthetic arm and finishes the Archbishop off by piercing multiple vital organs. But Betelgeuse possesses the body of one of his Fingers and completely obliterates Subaru and leaves, thinking he was dead.
Subaru gets healed by Beatrice who followed him since he left the mansion using magic and learns about Betelgeuse being an Evil Spirit, his ability of Possessing those who have talent as an Elementalist, and about his Fingers.
Subaru requests help for defeating Betelgeuse once again and Beatrice finally accepts.
Later on Subaru awakens at the bed of hospital that Felix Argyle has been working as a doctor after losing memory about Crusch Karsten.
Felix jokes about Subaru getting injured too often.
Then, Subaru tells Felix that he knows about the identity of the person Felix has long forgotten (Crusch Karsten), and if he wishes to know, he will have to join forces with him.
Felix obviously becomes furious and aggressively asks Subaru who that person is. And adds that if Subaru doesn't tell him, he'll kill Subaru.
Subaru would've won if he was in his normal state but while injured and in such helpless state, there was nothing Subaru could do. So Subaru started to yell that; if Felix was to kill him now, he'll never know anything about that person.
After hearing that, Felix hesitantly gives up.
Now that Subaru's wounds have healed and his body and Gate stabilized, he obtains an information about one of the Ten Swords of Power- the Life Sword (命劍 Inochiken).
Life Sword, once channeled with the its wielder's mana, had the ability to completely devastate one's soul that was struck with its blade.
So Subaru recruits Elsa and others in order to obtain the Life Sword and goes on another journey. Elsa, who has seemingly lost Meili to the Witch Cult, accepts Subaru's offer.
Finally Subaru and his allies arrive at the now-ruined-mansion of Margrave Rivack(Ri-ba-ku). He and his allies defeats all Witchbeast infestation snd Subaru obtains the Life Sword. And also gains the Margrave's belongings after killing the soul of Rivack that has become an Evil Spirit.
After returing to Lugnica once again, Subaru obtains an information from old man Rom that Archbishop Betelgeuse's homebase is near the Arlam village of Mathers' domain.
To fight Betelgeuse, Subaru first requests Beatrice to trap him and Betelgeuse alone using barrier magic. Thereby msking Betelgeuse unable to possess his Fingers.
This time too, Subaru doesn't fight in full strength but constantly uses Shamak to not reveal Beatrice's location to prevent him from going out of the barrier.
He gets caught by an Unseen hand and gets his right arm ripped off.
Betelgeuse, thinking that the victory was on his side, starts to ramble about being Slothful and insults Subaru for his "Misdeeds".
And as he gets closer and closer, Subaru uses Metia he obtained from Rivack's mansion and blinds Betelgeuse.
As Betelgeuse trip and squirm because of being blind Subaru reveals that if he fought in full strength he would've dodged every attack and Unseen Hand of Betelgeuse, but just to make the Archbishop's guard down, he didn't.
Subaru insults Betelgeuse for not changing the slightest and calls him "Slothful" for it one last time and plunges the Life Sword in him.
But as it turns out; A prosthetic arm is unable to provide mana for Life Sword to activate.
And Subaru, just like in the light novel/anime, gets possessed by Betelgeuse.
But Betelgeuse's mind also couldn't handle Subaru's mind who has lived his entire 20 years just to kill him.
In the end, Subaru's mind completely overpowers Betelgeuse's and Subaru asks Beatrice to stab him using the Life Sword.
As he dies alongside Betelgeuse, Subaru apologizes to Beatrice for not being able to live with her.
And in his last breath, Subaru dreams of his life where he could live with everyone happily ever after.
And then, he returns back to the save point in front of Kadomon's shop in arc 3 (when he was shopping with Rem).
Subaru realizes that he experienced Return by Death and finally realizes that everything he did was in vain. He collapses and rambles about everything he experienced to Rem. After being pampered by Rem, Subaru tells her about him being weak. And tells her that he never wants to experience such pain ever again. And unlike the light novel/anime, Subaru requests her to lend him strength and declares that *he will start over from zero*
And story diverges into the main story. Showing HOPE.
The End.
I really love this story and I am hoping for a proper translation of the story. Hope you enjoyed it too!
(Also, I completely forgot about Mimi Pearlbaton. Anastasia's faction too, gets eliminated by the Sin Archbishop in this story but Mimi achieves revenge against the Archbishop that deleted her faction.)

believe it or not, i dont want to die sad. but how does one die feeling happy? feeling at peace? i too do not know how, but i want to try to find the answer today. i want to sleep forever, now. so i want to try my best to give you a brief recap of how ive been suicidal and depressed till now.
to be honest i didnt know how it exactly started. when did i feel depressed? no, scratch that. when did i feel sad for no reason? ninth grade. i cant remember the specifics now, but i do remember trying to drown myself, my first attempt of suicide, because of my grades. i was 13, i felt hopeless, my mom got mad at me, and we didnt have the closeness of our relationship that we have now. i became more sad when i reached my senior year of high school, grades 11 and 12. i had my first heartbreak (cliche as it sounds) and i sabotaged all my friendships. i was a bad friend, i was getting into smoking and drinking--i made both of them my coping mechanism. i spent my days lying in bed, crying in the mornings before school started inside the bathroom stalls, i skipped classes and traveled on my own and smoke and drink--people believed i was 18. but i was 16. i was 16, but i felt like my inner machinery was already tarnished. i chased love but turned away the second they showed me that they liked me. i ran away from my friends and used them for my own benefit because i was 'sad' and that they should 'know' that because they were my 'friends'. but no. nobody deserves that kind of treatment. i was never saved that time, never told anyone how i truly felt. but when i did tell i immediately regretted it because they never understood my weight of emotions; i felt invalidated.
freshman year of college rolled through and i thought i was doing fine, but i wasn't. i wanted to be so much that i ended up overexerting myself. when it finally became too heavy for me i stayed out late, drank again, spent the night with my friends and didn't come home. the next day i told my mom that i had this urge to be alone, to disappear, and that my emotions were all so heavy that i was becoming more sad everyday that even i didn't know the reason. before i could say i wanted help, she told me instead the opposites of what i have been saying. 'ah, this must be what invalidation feels like' i thought, and thats when i knew that really, no one will understand what im going through. its the pandemic now, 2020 and im turning 18, the age of adulthood. funny enough months before that i told myself that i wanted to die, and that there was a bleach ready in out bathroom for me to try out. i thought back then, dying at 18 would be nice because it would spare me the pains of adulthood. my birthday came, i felt heavy when i woke up; i finally decided, you know. my mind was made up. but then i woke up and i hear my dad calling my mom on the phone and asking her if i was already awake, my mom sounded giddy, excited, and told my dad that i haven't woke up yet and that there's too much food on the table she's excited on how ill react. i cried. they were downstairs celebrating my birthday but i was stuck in bed thinking of ways to unalive myself. in the end i came down, wiped my tears, celebrated my birthday normally, posed for some pictures, and called it a day. that was the day i started dreading having to celebrate my birthday. same year, october, i called the suicide hotline with pills in my hand, ready to end it all. long story short, more shit happened. called the hotline, texted my cousin i was gonna die, she then called her parents then said parents called my mom. mom caught me, we cried so hard, i told her everything. we became closer then. she was my best friend and still is, and it pains me that im not the best daughter and friend she has. i wanted to take a break from school then, i wanted to see a shrink, but guess what, nothing happened. i went back to classes like nothing happened. my emotions werent compensated. i was doing everything with a broken mind. no one around me talked to me about what happened, only i relived it. i preferred if they talked to me about it, i preferred if i took a break for a while, it would have been nice to talk to someone about, talk about this unending sadness that im feeling; if i did then maybe i could be a tiny bit better. but no. i gave every feeling i had for free.
4 years passed and im still here. what am i now? things were good two years ago, but how about now? i still sabotaged everything, while trying to fix things aside. i tried to live life, but my anxiety just got worse; heck i didnt even have anxiety before. i had everything planned out three years ago, now im lost again. i dont have someone to talk to, i ruined the friendships i built with trust. i ruined my relationships with everyone and i act like the victim in my head. im a fucked up person and i wonder if my sadness and melancholy justifies all this. everyday i live with a weight on my shoulder. id say i want to try my best today with a lump on my throat. i tell my mom im having fun but then i turn to a socially awkward girl alone. i tell her im doing fine but i really want to jump off our unit. im becoming a threat to myself, im becoming so lost that i need something to believe in again. im so lonely, im so alone, but i pushed away everyone else. maybe this is all im meant to be, really. i dont think the blues will ever me leave me, ive been accustomed to feeling sad and hurt all the time that im scared of being happy. does it even suit me?
i need help. i really need to figure out whats wrong with me. ive always yearned for help. i gaslighted myself a year ago that i didnt need it anymore, i still do. but what will i do when no ones listening to me? when my parents care about imagery rather than my wellbeing? when they care about other people telling them that their daughters 'fucked in the head', well i am. and to the people who tells me that i am, well i am, and probably you guys are and your children feels the same too.
what will the girl who dreamed of becoming a beautician think about the girl who i am now? what will my other selves say about me? ill forever mourn the girl who i wanted to be. the writer, the poet, someone who writes for a living and just sits down in her room with a view. i could also work in a library or in a museum, where i could stare at art and write about it. i want to write. and im sorry lola that i didnt get to finish the story i was writing for you. im sorry im not becoming someone you wished to be. im sorry to everyone who i let down. to my mom, you really are my best friend and im thankful to everything youve done for me, and the little things youve done to make me feel better. to my dad, thank you for the sacrifices you made for us, for my education, despite not being there physically. but you know, i had a lot of trauma growing up and carrying them now because of you two. my social anxiety, the way im afraid to speak up, when im asked about something i dont respond, because everything feels like a wrong answer. and a wrong answer always equates to screaming and shouting and punishing me physically for discipline. but dont worry, i guess, i tried to accept it with love. love equals hate, after all. the two of you did your best, but im sorry. i just want to sleep now.

A lot of "normal" people may laugh at the title, and at the very notion that someone could be addicted to music and be dependent on it, since we usually think that addiction can only apply to things such as drugs, alcohol, video games, amongst other more "mainstream" items. Even though in reality addiction can be anything that you have built a dependency on, and anything that is negatively affecting your life - unfortunately, that's music for me. Even though I realize music itself is not the problem, it's me.
I'd come to this realization before, but never actually did anything about it. I'd realized that I have a big problem, I spend hours upon hours of my day listening to songs on my headphones, pacing around and of course daydreaming. As I am sure many of you can relate, music is the biggest trigger for my MDD. It started years back, so it's not a recent thing, but it's definitely snowballed into a bigger and bigger problem each year. Before, when this issue of mine started when I was still in my early high-school years, I'd listen to songs and daydream about fictional worlds; think fantasy type and stuff with intricate stories and various characters. At this point, it still wasn't classified as a problem because I could control it. As high-school progressed onto my later years, that's when things started getting worse. I'd prioritize daydreaming and listening to music over studying.
Throughout from I'd say 2019 (late high-school) to present day (now early 20s), I've oscillated between phases where this was really bad, and then times where I had it under control. But it started spiraling the worst its ever been mid-ish 2023, so last year.
I've pinpointed that it's gotten even worse now because I am deeply, deeply unsatisfied with my real life. I realized this because I took notice that I went from daydreaming about fantastical worlds, to daydreaming about being a completely different person, having an entirely different life, having good friends (I know that's sad, but I lead an isolated life which doesn't help with my problem), being an amazing singer, being an amazing artist, being an amazing whatever- highly-appraised-career you can insert here. It's a symptom that I am trying to escape who I am, and using it as a form of escapism, much like someone could use video-games. The thing is, I don't have time for this anymore. I am not a HS teenager anymore. I am an adult in my early 20s now, and I am sowing consequences for me to harvest later on in my future if I continue.
This addiction leaves me to forsake the things I actually want and need to do. For so long, I have been listening to music and imagining myself in some alternate reality where I am the complete opposite of a total failure (as I am now) like it's a job. The ironic part is that the more I do this, the more I dig a bigger hole into being an even more massive failure. The truth is that reality is harsh to face, and when I look in the mirror, I am faced with the fact that I am none of those things that I wish to be. And I am not those things because some are genuinely impossible and grandiose, and the ones that are realistic, I could achieve if I actually put my time into being productive and manage to dominate my anxiety and feelings of low self worth. I feel like I could've even achieved them by now, if only I hadn't wasted so much time. It's the very definition of a vicious cycle, I feel like an anxious, worthless, failure, so I retreat into my own mind and drown out those uncomfortable thoughts with music instead of facing them. Which causes me to feel worse next day. Repeat.
Now though, I've decided to quit. Today was my first day not listening to any music. I think I underestimated how difficult it was going to be, because now at nighttime (when I most often listen to music and daydream), I find myself getting incredibly antsy and like I need to scratch an annoying persistent itch. I almost gave in, but so far I have persisted. I plan to do this for 2 weeks at first, then increase it to 2 more weeks, and so on. I may do this for a couple of months. My main goal with this is to increase my productivity, and nurture my current connections with people (family) because as I failed to mention before, it also affects my interpersonal relationships bc I tend to choose escapism before talking to family often. I also hope to make new connections and get out more, the actual world is scary of course, but it also has a lot of beautiful things to offer. I feel like I can't enjoy music on a deep level anymore as well, I just passively listen to it out of custom almost a lot of the time. Not always bc I even want to.
I don't want to feel like I am watching my life go by anymore, for so long I've felt like a background character in my own life, but instead of fixing it I just cope with it in an unhealthy way.
I am writing this post because maybe someone else out there can relate, and hopefully this post can help by inspiring you to take charge of your own life and mind. I am not sure if this long post will be read by many people, but I'll make sure to do an update by the 2 week mark and subsequent updates after that. If anyone is interested in joining me, then you are more than welcome to.

To keep it short:
I have severe relationship trauma and PTSD. I am currently in IOP and did a partial program to work towards healing, and things are getting worse before they hopefully get better.
I have episodes more and more frequently of intense flashbacks, that leave me completely a wreck. The days following I am in a constant state of disassociation. I can’t remember what day it is, what I did a few minutes ago, hours or days. I can’t focus when I’m around others. I’m not there. I have intrusive thoughts of the violence that terrify me, so whenever I am not having a flashback most of my energy goes towards trying to avoid letting any memories breakthrough and cause one.
I am in a newer relationship, 4 months and I am a 24f and she is a 25f. They are incredibly supportive and kind, and have seen this struggle- despite how private of a person I am, I have let them in, which is so so rare. I truly love them. However, the past few days I have been so out of it. I had one of my worst flash backs ever three days ago, and since then I can barely remember anything going on around me, keep track of time, or be present. Tonight, I told her I’d try and see her- then I ended up going to the gym and telling her I was just going to go home and sleep. She said she was upset that I blew her off, when she put aside the time to see me. She isn’t wrong for this at all, but I also use the gym as a way to hopefully regain a sense of being conscious. I needed it, but I also needed to stick to my word and be a good partner. She said that I haven’t been present the past few days, and she’s right. I haven’t. I have made time to see her, but I’m not there. I can’t even really get myself to make eye contact. I just feel gone. I wish I didn’t, but it’s like I’m stuck behind a fuzzy glass window that I can’t break through. She told me reliability is everything to her so she was frustrated. She didn’t understand why I would go to the gym when I could have spent the extra hours of the day with her. The word reliability terrified me. I can’t even rely on my own brain, who is having such intense episodes that completely pull the rug out from under me- and thus, pull it out from under her.
I can’t fix this, and I can’t promise consistent mental presence or reliability. I can’t promise to want to hang out everyday, or take the extra few hours I have at the end of the day to spend it with her rather than on myself, so I can try and just pull it together enough to get through. I love her so so much, and she truly is kind and I know she would be understanding if I said this- but I refuse to create a dynamic where she can’t have her needs met or have to worry about triggering someone, or become a caretaker even if it’s not conscious. I am also not one who likes to be around others when I am having a bad day. Also, since the trauma is relationship based, on really bad days the last thing I want is to be intimate in any form- sexual, emotional, physical, romantic. My body physically resents it in those moments. The good days are good, and I am okay- but I know that the bad ones aren’t going away anytime soon. I know I can communicate all of this, and I will, but I don’t know if staying with her and letting her be in a relationship with someone who actively can’t be a fully present partner is fair. I also know she would want to work through this, but I don’t know what to do. To be a fair person, and to do right by her, should I break up with her?
I know that no one can tell me what to do, but I would really really really appreciate any insight, or just to hear anyone else’s stories if they relate.
TLDR: I have ptsd and it makes me an unreliable partner

The context is that my partner is a really sweet, amazing, kind, generous, caring person. They are every kind thing you could say about somebody. They are incredibly book smart and have multiple degrees and are going for their law degree on top of all the degrees and certificates they already have. It’s exceptional. The problem is, and I am trying to say this in the nicest way possible. My partner is seriously bad with social skills and comes off as ‘dumb’, ‘cringeworthy’, ‘childish’ and oblivious at times. They will seriously just blurt out anything that comes to their mind and do anything in public. No matter how embarrassing it is. A small example of this is that one time we walked into a bar and my partner got super excited about the cool decor. There was chains hanging from the ceiling and and coffin shaped tv screen installed in the wall with some cool graphic in it. Upon seeing this as we walked in they got so excited they threw their arms into the air and yelled “AHHHHHHH!” And ran over to the chains and started swinging around on them, knocking into a nearby table that a couple was sitting at. After this, they threw their hands up in the air again and yelled “YIPPIEEEEE” as they ran over to the coffin and banged on it with their fist so hard that it actually flashed black and for a second I thought they had broken it. EVERYONE in the bar was looked at me crazy and the security guard had to pick up the mess with table and the drinks my partner just made. It was like a bad ass toddler has just gone loose in the bar and I imagine people just assumed they were way drunk but they were 100% sober. When they returned to me the first words out of my mouth “sit your ass down what the fuck is your problem?” And they immediately bursted out in tears. Because another problem they have is that they are INCREDIBLY sensitive to criticism. They cannot handle one ounce of even constructive criticism, even if it’s said in the most way gentle possible way they will start to cry.
Honestly, I’m not use to dating people my age. I moved out my house and have been on my own living as an adult since I was 16. Typically you will see me with someone ranging from 24-27. My partner is the first person my age I have been with. But, I understand that becoming a lawful adult at 16 is not a universal experience so that’s why they are a bit immature but they are a good person with a good heart which is not easy to come across nowadays so I am willing to wait and be patient with then until they mature a bit more.
My biggest problem with them though is talking to strangers. My mom taught me at a young age about stranger danger and have admittedly had a pretty traumatic life so I am very cautious about who I trust. It is as if my partner is a toddler who has never once been told not to speak to a stranger. They will tell ANYBODY ANYTHING. No shame or reservations or even the idea that the person might be uncomfortable. They will tell the waiter about the wild sex we just had in DETAIL. They will trap the cashier into a 30 minute conversation when the line is piling up and the poor cashier doesn’t want to know every single detail about whatever. And, it’s not even typically a conversation because it’s just my girlfriend yapping without giving the other person time to say anything. They will treat someone they just met less than 5 minutes like someone they’ve known for years and get into people’s personal space. An example of this would be that one time they stopped a girl in the street to compliment them but then it turned into the usual 30 minute yap sesh. My partner got very excited about whatever they were yapping about and for some reason they decided to suddenly press their forehead to this strangers forehead to express their point. I could see the poor girl get visibly frightened so I yanked my partner back out of instinct to protect not only the girl but my partner to whatever reaction the girl might have. Being completely oblivious to the fact that my partner might’ve just got their shit rocked for triggering this stranger they spun around and said something like “OMG BABE you are SO JEALOUS AND CONTROLLING HAHA SHE IS NOT GOING TO STEAL ME” I wanted to shout “dude, nobody WANTS TO STEAL you. You are EMBARRASSING.” But I didn’t want to embarrass my partner so I threw my hands up and walked away silently.
I’ve tried to talk to them about this. I told them a story my mother use to tell me about a very friendly pretty baby that would wave at everyone until she waved at the wrong stranger and got kidnapped. I explained to them that you can’t just assume everyone has good intentions and you definitely can’t predict what will upset someone so it’s best to keep out of strangers personal space and to never share unnecessary information. They see this as if I am trying to steal their ‘light’ or that I am jealous.
This behavior has not only put us in danger in the past but it is now affecting our living situation. Because the one year mark we decided we wanted to move in together. We found the most gorgeous beautiful lake house that was actually an airbnb but the lady liked us so much she was willing to let us stay long and remove the place from airbnb. It was a godsend. The problem is that on the same land there is 4 other properties just a few feet away from us that the landlord rents as airbnbs so we see all kinds of shady or weird people everyday.
I guess, one day when I wasn’t around my gf told a guest about our living arrangement in detail and the guest tried to ask the landlord for the same thing and when the landlord denied it the guest became aggressive and started bringing my gf’s name the details that they were told into the conversation. The landlord reached out to us and showed us the conversation and the guest was threatening us and her with violence. She asked that we keep the fact that we even live on the property to ourselves. It was a very scary situation and I really thought that my partner learned their lesson about strangers.
But, they didn’t. I’m traveling out of town for work and I guess there was a break in on one of the of the properties. The landlord was reviewing the security cameras when they caught my partner telling another guest about the details of our lease again. They wanted to call my partner and speak to them on the phone to express how serious it is that they do not share details about our lease but I guess when confronted about it, my partner lied and said they didn’t say anything. I guess partner didn’t realize they had been caught in 4K.
The landlord was really upset not only that partner lied but went against her wishes of keeping the agreement to themselves once I calmed the landlord down I phoned my partner but by the time I got ok the phone with my partner I was honestly incredibly irritated. I didn’t raise my voice but I was firm and harsh and told them that the oversharing behavior and it has got to stop. I said “really, how hard is it just to keep your mouth shut when our safety is at risk?” I told them they need to look at going to therapy for this behavior.
They became so agitated they started screaming and crying at me “I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU!!” (What? No one even said that!) & “I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS STUPID HOUSE ILL JUST LEAVE!” (Ez for you to say you haven’t subleased your apartment and moved all your belongings into here yet)
I let them know that we both should take a breather from the convo and now I’m sitting here with my head in my hands, wondering what to do. I know that this is a long read and many people might not make it this far, but if you’ve made it this far, I could really use some advice. I don’t want to talk to my friends and family, because I don’t want them to form a bad opinion about my partner. I feel like I’m dating a child and then I have to correct them like a parent but I don’t want to break up because they are just so good to me outside of this. Please anyone help.