Sayings about people who past away

People have been telling me that I'm such a good worker yet somehow Toast encountered some error and only popped up after I went to close the check. I work at a hotel and it's very busy since we do both buffet and orders. Some people who were not guests came to dine in, ordered a bunch of things. Then they paid, she added the tip and they left. They were nice.
Later on when the rush ended, I went to close the check and said some error and yeah, didn't go through. My supervisor said he would try to do something and ended up telling the higher up guy. First thing he said was that I'm getting a write-up and pay for it.
They don't say anything about managers getting cash tips though and editing lunch breaks to avoid penalty breaks (I live in CA) but yeah. It wasn't even my fault but sadly no much I can do.

Pics here.
Yeah, afraid you'll have to hold your religious gateways to enlightenment (if you are religious though, its not a dealbreaker, I'm just having fun), for me it's gotta be the weight lifting equipment I've bought. Working and focusing on me and my health is the happiest I've been in a long time, maybe ever. I'm in the midst of rebuilding myself into who I'm meant to be. If you want someone who has it all right now, I'm not for you. If you can wait and wanna build with me then hit me up.
I usually deal with tense situations by saying the silliest dumbest shit to fill uncomfortable silences. Seems like an apt time for that warning. Sometimes I can be blunt or prod people, this is either to prove a point or in jest. Depends on the situation.
I'm never sure what to say in these things. I spend a lot of time working out. I have a career as a behavioralist but I'm having to take leave from it currently to deal with other things in life and save for a vehicle after a crack head I had never met (thankfully so for him/her) decided to destroy my last vehicle.
So I'm back at the rural countryside and about to take a transitional job (I guess in security) until I can get things worked out and rolling in my life again.
I suppose if I had a word for me, it would be resilient. I have almost died several times in the past few years, and I'm reversing my spiral and taking a different path in life recently.
While I'm really starting to come to terms with loving myself and enhancing myself for me. I tend to make connections with people but after a long time remaining single while dealing with my demons, I'm finally on the up. I want to share something wholesome and untouchable with someone.
Ideally I would love to finally find home. I've put in a lot of work these past few years to find that. I've found solace in helping people, and making friends. But where are the stupid jokes during movie nights? Where's the shitty makeshift tent outside because we got frustrated with the chinese instructions to set it up? Where's the laughter around the bonfire. Where's the person I can look at and both say and read a thousand words without opening my mouth.
I don't wanna be with someone just to be with someone. I went through that hell already. Where is home?

I've been through too much and am way over my limit. Grew up in an industry where I was used by adults & abused on all levels by clients and agents. I never saw any of the money I made. My parents fought every day growing up, then made me the therapist/referee for them. One also molested me as a child repeatedly. My first boyfriend also SA'd me. I've never talked about that to anyone except one person, who I love so much but all I seem to be able to do is make his life worse, and I delude myself somehow into thinking it's the other way around. Yes I have BPD.
When my parents split and one got out, I became the punching bag because I stayed. And then I was homeless. And then I was back in the same industry and almost starved myself to death. I tried to kill myself then. I failed and got 5150d. I felt like a failure for failing even at that. My mom started using it as something to hold over my head. I tried to cut her off. I ended up resolving things with my dad, who was the victim before I was with my mom. And then he fucking died. And then all his debt fell on me. And my entire family on his side started laying all their issues on me, and cut me off from family gatherings.
Then my only other tether (grandparent) passed from being sad about my dad and my dad's sister dragged me through court over it and my being left things she didn't see fit. She didn't even see me as human, let alone family. I had to move back in with my mom around this time and she took out everything on me again. But this time she even tried to kill me several times. I thought I was going to end up dead because of her but somehow didn't. Or worse we'd both hurt each other, but for me from self defense. Around this time I also found out I have a health condition that's killing me. I'm going to be lucky to make it to 32. And no one knows. And now that's only 5 years away and I can feel my body falling apart and no one sees a thing.
All I do is hurt people I love. And not even realize it until it's too late. I tried to go to therapy, but I can't afford it anymore. I can't get medicated because of shortages either. It feels like there's no point in my existing. Why was I here if only to suffer so much? I miss my family but they're all dead. One of my aunts just died and I don't know how to keep holding on. And then one of my younger sisters, the ONLY ones keeping me here and sane, TRIED TO KILL HERSELF when I was out of town for my aunt's funeral. What is the point of my being here if I can't even stop them from making my mistakes?!
Where I'm so unlovable that everyone tires of me eventually?! That I'm here just to die?! And then my mom tops it off the other day telling me she regrets ever having me. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for any of this so why does it keep happening?! What did I ever do to deserve this kind of life??? Where when I think I'm starting to get my shit together I find out my delusion was delusioning too close to the sun again. I barely pay my bills. I'm in debt still. I would've been okay if I could only just get my shit together but I keep making the same loop. I don't want to keep hurting people I love.

Dear FIAT USA:
Last year I purchased a used 2014 FIAT 500L with less than 60,000 miles on it. In the year I’ve owned it, I’ve experienced the following failures that have needed repair:
· Turbo failure
· Headliner sag / adhesive failure
· Exterior paint clear-coat failure
· Neutral safety switch Failure
· Rear hatch latch failure
· Alarm system programming failure
· Tire pressure monitoring system module failure
· Multi-air brick failure
· Driver sun visor failure (stalk became brittle, snapped)
· Passenger sun visor tension failure
· Rear license plate light assembly failure
· Coolant system component failure
The last of the latter listed failures (I’m sitting here thinking there HAS TO BE at least one other thing I’ve missed on that long distinguished list) required radiator replacement as well as upper and lower radiator hose replacement. Unfortunately, the upper radiator hose, part number 68261751AA, is on indefinite backorder as it has been for months. My car has likewise been undriveable for months as it requires said part to be operational again.
It’s one thing to make vehicles that are of low-quality, such low quality that the cost of repairing this vehicle far exceeds the (roughly) $10,000 I paid for it in only a year’s time. But, it’s another thing to manufacture vehicles…of any quality standard…but particularly those of FIAT standards where it’s well-known that replacement parts WILL BE NEEDED and OFTEN…..and NOT STOCK REPLACEMENT PARTS SUCH THAT DEALERSHRIPS MAY AVAIL THEMSELVES TO SAID PARTS WHEN THEY ARE NEEDED.
Are you surprised you sold a total of 602 new FIAT vehicles in the United States during the entirety of 2023? That’s a far cry from the 46, 999 units you sold in 2012. People thought back in 2012 they could trust FIAT again; surely they were not the same build quality as they were in the 1980s when you withdrew from the United States entirely, right? But, apparently, as stupid as the average consumer is, even they understood how bad FIAT quality still was and it showed by 2017 when sales began dropping to a tune of 26,492 units. Source: https://www.goodcarbadcar.net/fiat-us-sales-figures/
When I talk to FIAT dealers, few and far between as they are in the United States, I see no new cars being offered. The sales reps say they are by special order only because the demand isn’t there. The truth of the matter is that not only consumers don’t want them but the mechanics at FIAT dealerships cringe whenever anyone brings a FIAT in for service and repair because even the factory authorized dealers have a hard time figuring out what’s wrong with these things. Places like Jiffy Lube won’t even touch a FIAT, not even for a simple oil change! Some extended warranty companies won’t even sell a policy covering these vehicles; is it a wonder why?
I had to go out and buy a second car while still continuing to may payments on this 2014 FIAT 500L, thus mandating I make two car payments in lieu of one that I can barely afford (thus why I bought the car in the first place, as valuation on used FIATs are understandably depressed as compared to other makes here) just so the 500L can sit for God knows how long in the dealer’s satellite lot and rot away under a tree while it futility awaits FIAT to ship a radiator hose. You’d think one would be able to use a generic radiator hose but no: that hose was made to be specific for that car such that I cannot even substitute a generic because of a fitting specific to the model! You have to be kidding me!
You all should be ashamed of yourselves, first of all. Second of all, I hope you pull out of the United States market altogether. Why stay here in the States if you are not wanting to put forward effort in stocking even the simplest of parts for the cars you do offer here? Even the parts that were available in the long list of those that failed that I previously enumerated only numbered less than a handful in availability, such as there having been one sole neutral safety switch that the dealer was able to see available in national inventory when that failed. As the dealership’s service manager put it: “It’s almost like they want these things off of the road”. I don’t think you all want these things off the road. In fact, I don’t think the cars you sell to U.S motorists even cross your mind after they drive off of the sales floor. FIAT simply does not care about FIAT owners and the cars they are attempting to maintain!

Original conversation: here (you have to scroll down to get to the actual part that makes sense 😂)
My analogy
Think about it like say a sock. If I have a sock that everybody wants, then I can charge people a really high price for it.
Granted, other people might buy copies of the sock or I might even release more copies of the sock for a lower price, but none will ever be the original, authentic sock. Nothing will ever be worth the same as the same original sock. That will forever be worth thousands.
But, when in a few years time, everybody who wanted the sock has a copy of the sock, nobody wants to buy the sock anymore. Eventually, the trend dies out and the sock gets discarded at the back of a cupboard.
10 years later you clear out your room and find the sock. You think 'huh I paid a lot for this, I recon I could get good money for it now' but the problem is that everybody else who bought that sock copy is thinking the same thing
Thus, everybody is tryna sell their copy of the sock, but not many people want the sock copy because the sock is out of fashion and it is not the original sock.
And so, in an attempt to sell them, the sellers put down their prices.
Thinking about it like this makes it easy to understand how something that's worth a lot to a person a few decades beforehand will not be worth that same to a buyer.

Earlier today, a fun post I wrote four years ago re-surfaced under a different author and reached the HOT list before being removed by mods for plagiarism.
The original post is here: https://www.reddit.com/Entrepreneucomments/jz0236/80m_founder_telling_it_like_it_is/?share_id=yqNypYHrUxunREo9Pk9bW&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1
Four years have past since I wrote it and it got me thinking...have any of my views changed!
What happened to me?
As for those who are wondering about my company, its worth about $100m today. Revenues grew a lot, then flatlined. The rocket ship ran out of juice!
Although the business was loss-making when the post was written, it has since turned profitable. That was really nice to see.
I sold secondary through the journey and own just under 10% now.
I also stepped down from my day to day role at company 1 and started my second company. My new company is worth about $15m and I own the majority of it. It's also profitable already - not sure I want a second venture journey!
Am I still lurking on this thread?
Nope. I actually left the subreddit. I got tired of reading the same old get rich quick schemes and the constant posts from people who were worried that their incredible ideas would be stolen.
So, four years on - have my views changed?
Entrepreneurship is NOT about big ideas - I am firm in my belief that entrepreneurship is not about big ideas. The longer I've been in this game the more founders I've met who have relatively normal ideas, executed very well. With generative AI, the floodgates to big ideas have opened. Now is the best time to build!
Successful entrepreneurs spend more time empowering others to build their business - Still believe this and perhaps even more so today. This time around I have delegated my core responsibilities to others much faster and have been rewarded with faster growth and a better work life balance (I've got a bigger family now).
Businesses aren't built for you - This time I've given away a lot more equity in the business to my team. This was only possible because I own a much larger stake this time around.
Essentially, my views haven't changed at all.
Any new learnings in the last four years? A tonne! A few that spring to mind that are not total cliche:

1. Investors create politics. You may not want to play but its in the company's best interests to do so.
2. Losing the majority stake is harmful to your strategy
3. The superstars in your org are often difficult to manage because they need your attention. But it is so worth giving it.
4. Hiring the right people is so much more important than I thought it was
5. Use every single unfair advantage you have
6. MVPs are over!
7. It is an advantage when you own the majority and your competitors have to strategize with a board.

Anyways, best of luck!

A knight's efforts in the tournament have garnered the attention of an old childhood friend, who also happens to be the princess.
Info
You can edit the script or make more parts to it if you want. You can paywall it but please send me a link if you do.
There's a brief section at the beginning where another character (a maid) speaks. It's in italics and can be removed if you don't want to include it.
1,020 words.
I've done a princess script for ladies why not another for gents, lol. Feedback is welcome.
Script
[Maid]: "Thank you for coming Sir Knight, the Princess is waiting for you inside."
"No, I'm afraid I don't know why she's invited you." \Giggles* "Although with how well you performed in the joust I'm hardly surprised she wants to speak to you, maybe to offer you a token of her favor? Something for you to tie to your lance."*
\Teasing* "I'm surprised someone as chivalrous and strapping doesn't have a hundred of such tokens already. If you like I'm sure I could find a glove to-"*
[Speaker]: *Opens door* "Ahem! Thank you for bringing him, now if you could excuse us a moment. I would like to speak to the man of the hour for myself."
*Closes door* "Good evening, Sir Knight. Thank you for responding to my invitation. I, wasn't certain you would. Hm? Oh, yes. You may kiss my hand if you'd like." *Listener kisses her hand.*
*Flustered* "I, err." *Coughs* "Commendations are in order for your performance at the tournament so far. I can't the last time I saw Sir Henry unhorsed in the joust like that. Although I would urge you stay cautious, there is another day of jousting yet to come. I wouldn't wish to see you harmed by your overconfidence."
"Hm? Oh, yes. You may kiss my hand if you like." *Listener kisses her hand.*
*Flustered* "I, err." *Coughs* "It's good to see you again, it's been a while. Nearly a year as I remember."
"Yes, you have my..." *Sighs* "I'm sorry as well. I shouldn't have said half of what I did and should've phrased the other half of what I said less brashly. I suppose I was as angered by my father's decision as you were, though I wouldn't admit it openly."
"It was a mistake, to throw away a lifelong friendship when you were only concerned for my well-being. I hope you can forgive me for it."
"Thank you, I forgive you as well. If it's alright with you could we, talk? The way we used for, if only for tonight."
*Laughs* "Yes, like in the garden. I'm surprised you remember, you used to hate how I dragged you there all the time. I'm convinced you'd have refused to come at all if I weren't your princess." *Coughs* "The princess, of the kingdom that you belong to, I mean."
"In my defense, I used to hate it when you invited me to go sword training with you." *Humorously* "I couldn't stand the way you disarmed me so quickly, every time. Neither could my father, as I recall, although I think he was more upset that I was spending so much time with you at all."
*Jokingly* "He must've feared we'd ride off and elope one day, leaving the kingdom behind." *Giggles*
"You've grown into a great knight. I'm impressed by how skilled you are." *Teasing* "I like to think I had something to do it with it. If only because you needed something to show off to me." *Laughs*
*Exhales* "I was surprised when I heard you'd be competing in the tournament, you, made your feelings on it quite clear the last time we spoke. About the way I'd allow my hand to be fought for by strangers, at my father's request."
"It's not the way I'd dreamed of being wed but it can't be helped. I'm the Fifth born of my siblings and third born of my sisters. There no alliances that need be struck, only fame and favor to curry with the people. Hence, this tournament is to decide my fate."
"I don't fault you for participating however, even if you don't hope to claim the ultimate prize."
*Pause*
*Shyly* "Or, do you?"
"I-I understand of course. Marriage to a princess would elevate you and your family to great heights. If that's what you want I'll support you."
*Listener grabs her hand* "M-my hand, why are you...?"
*Timidly* "I'm, more than a prize to you, aren't I?"
*Nervous laugh* "Excuse me I, need a moment.* *Happier laugh* "I never dreamed anyone would ever actually... Let alone that you'd..."
"No no! You haven't upset me, quite the opposite actually."
"Truthfully I'd, always held an interest in you. A romantic one." *Wryly "It'd have infuriated my father if we were to court and yet he'd probably have banished you if you'd broken my heart. So I, kept my interest to myself, as much as I was capable, I'm pretty sure my siblings caught on at some point."
"Which, I suppose would explain why they encouraged me to reach out to you. I was nervous but, I'm glad I did."
"Ahem, forgive me, but might I kiss you? I've wanted to for a while now."
*Kiss*
*Laugh* "Not the romantic first kiss I used to dream of, and yet at the same time it's everything I always wanted. Thank you, for everything."
"It's not going to be easy though. I have faith in your abilities but this tournament's attracted some of the kingdom's finest knights. If you lose then we-"
"No, you're right. I can't think like that, not tonight. Not when we have so little time to spend together, we should think of cheerier things."
"Please, tell me about your travels. I've tried to keep track, even if from afar, but I'd like to hear of them from you."
*Fading out* "Is it true you've traveled outside the kingdom?"
*Pause*
*Fading in* *Laughter* "And the Baron still hasn't let you back in the city? Goodness, I'll have to write to him on your behalf."
*Pause*
*Sighs* "I'm afraid it's time. If you linger here any longer we'll certainly be caught. If it gets back to my father he might prevent you from competing in the rest of the tournament."
"I'm, frightened. If you don't win then... No, I don't want to think about that."
*Kiss*
*Pause*
"Before you go! Here, take my glove, tie it to your lance or arm. I doubt my favor carries any tangible weight in the competition to come, but I want everyone to know that you have it."
"That you're the one I want to marry."

I work in the medical field as a CRC at a cancer institution. One of my duties is communicating with sponsors that work with me to make sure that each clinical trial is going smoothly. I had a zoom meeting with them today and one of the doctors (pretty much one of my bosses) joined the meeting not knowing that I was on it. She then proceeded to talk to about 20 people how I am awful at my job, incompetent, untrained, needs their hand held through everything, and needs to be spoon fed information in order to grasp basic concepts. You can imagine her face when one of the sponsors asked a questioned and I answered it, realizing I heard everything.
I just want to know if this counts as a defamation of character with one member of a company saying negative things about me to another company that I have to work with. Not only was I extremely embarrassed, I am now very concerned that this will not only impact that one study, but also impact my career as I do not know who else she has been talking about this with. To say I am upset would be an understatement.
Do I have a case?
Thank you all in advance.

For most (inherently subjective) things you could rate, anyway. I'm not talking about, like, measuring something in a lab, where being as precise and granular as possible as all upside.
But for rating, say, books or movies or games or restaurants or product reviews? Rating out of 5 is generally all the granularity you need to cover all the meaningfully distinct subjective evaluations, and in fact has a number of advantages over more granular rating systems. 1 genuinely sucks, 2 is mediocre, 3 is average, 4 is good, 5 is a masterpiece—that's really all you need if you really want to put a number on your opinion. And by rating out of 5, you generally avoid some of the weirdness that gets carried over from the American education's grading system (where 50 or 60 is failing, and 70 is merely average)
Rating out of 100 generally introduces a meaningless level of granularity for something that is basically fuzzy and subjective. Saying one album is a 4 out of 5 vs a 3 out of 5 says something meaningful about how you rate them. But saying one album is an 81 and another is an 82? A functionally meaningless distinction.
Rating out of 10 isn't as bad as out of 100 for meaningless granularity, but it runs into another problem, which is the extent to which ratings have been warped by the American education's grading scale. In theory, 3/5 and 6/10 are the same. In practice, 6/10 tends to invoke associations with a failing score in school (at least for Americans, but I'd argue its sort of infected everyone else via the internet), and so both reviewers and those reading reviews tend to treat 7/10 as "average". For whatever reason, that doesn't hold true with 5 point rating systems, where people are less inclined to treat 3/5 as a failing score.
5 point rating scales also usually avoid another stupid blindspot of other rating systems, which is the tendency of some reviewers to treat the top end of 10 and 100 point scales as some impossible to attain level of perfection that should never be rewarded. Many (dumb and wrong) people will argue that a 100/100 game or movie or album can't exist because thats a perfect score and perfection is unattainable. This is a fucking stupid way to structure a rating scale—the top end should be the best that someone can achieve, not some theoretical platonic ideal of perfection that doesn't and cannot ever exist—and fortunately for 5 point rating scales basically no one makes this stupid argument. The people who say a 100/100 or 10/10 work of art can't exist generally don't say a 5/5 work of art can't exist, because the system doesn't have enough granularity for cutting off 20% of the possible scores to be viable. This is a good thing.
In conclusion, 5 point rating scales get a 5/5. 10 point scales get a 3/5. 100 point rating scales get a 1 out of 5.

My mother is a very damaged person. She’s been through a lot. She’s been through abuse and sexual assault. She was an addict when I was a kid. I would always be hugging her, consoling her, comforting her while she cried over her shithead boyfriends. I don’t think she’s a bad person. Deep down I know her heart is pure and she means well. But I realized she has never emotionally supported me. She never asked me and my brothers if we were okay if we got hurt or cried, because she has this tough love mindset that comforting sad or hurt people “enables them” to be weak and sensitive. She has recorded me crying because it was funny and then laughed at the video while replaying it. She has mocked and insulted me while I cried and had panic attacks. Once she said to me, when I was about 12, “you’re more of a mother to me” or something along those lines. Why do I have to be the bigger person? She’s my mom. I hate this tough love bullshit. I never treated her that way. I showed her unconditional love, support, and compassion before realizing that she is unable to do the same for me.
She told me I’m a bad person pretending to be a good one. Because I called her out yesterday. I was in a good mood, so of course she comes inside and starts bringing up everything I’m doing wrong: I didn’t let my bunny out of its cage that day, so she said I need to sell it, that I’m neglecting it. Then she brings up that I don’t tell her I used the last of our laundry money. The thing is I did tell her she just didn’t listen. When I told her I told her already, she says “well sometimes I just don’t listen to you because you talk nonsense”. I do sometimes talk nonsense-I have psychosis episodes and I’m suspected to be bipolar. When I feel manic I just can’t stop saying anything that pops into my mind. I don’t think this means I deserve to be ignored…..I said “you’re miserable so you need to make everyone else feel that way” and she said “that’s what you do”. But it’s not. It’s not what I do at all. I love her but this behavior is draining. It seems that much of what she’s saying to me is a projection. She told me I’m the manipulative one. This is frustrating. I can’t show anger towards her, because I will be demonized. How do you deal with someone who is this emotionally immature? I want her to be happy because I know she has a sort of mental health issue. I keep telling her she needs therapy but she won’t go.
My psychiatrist told me she thinks my mom is a narcissist who is using my mental illness and brain damage to further manipulate me. But I just don’t see it. I will never believe that my mom is a bad person. I wish the best for her despite my anger about the things she has done. I only wish to deal with this woman in the most mature and kind way possible that will allow me to stop being damaged by her. She acts nice most of the time, but she’s definitely done cruel things. When I bring them up she can’t see what’s wrong with her actions and refuses to apologize.

TAKE A CHANCE! :)
What I'm looking for is good conversation, a solid connection, and someone I can have great chemistry with. I'm also hoping for a physical connection, mutual attraction, and so forth if possible.
However, I'm looking for something casual, not something serious. It can be long term, but still casual. On the flip side though I'm ideally not looking for a one night fling or anything like that either.
To put it simply, I want a great fwb, with the latter part happening only if we click that way. No pressure, no obligations. Let's just chat and see how things go!
About me: caucasian, 6ft tall, mostly slim build, blue eyes, nice smile. Intelligent, athletic, funny/silly, into sports, movies, and video games. The type of guy who holds the door open for people and will say 'excuse me' for sneezing even if no one is around.
About you: any race or height, good hygiene, at least a decent smile. Good sense of humor, able to carry a conversation, not into 'ghosting' people. Open-minded is VERY important as is patience. The closer to North Raleigh, or maybe Wake Forest/Rolesville//NE Raleigh, the better. Area code 919
If you'd like to chat and go from there, feel free to send me a message!

I, (F26), and my husband, (M41), were together from 2016 until 2022 and we got back together in March of this year. We met in 2015 when I went to live with my father in New York. My father has a company that is a partner of my ex's company. We met at one of the company's parties, but at the time I was dating someone else and so was he. In May 2016, there was another party, and we met again, both single at the time. We ended up exchanging contact information and started dating. Some time after we started dating, he introduced me to his son from a previous relationship. At the time, the boy was 7 years old, but now he's 14. His mother was no longer present in his life because she had started a new family and told my husband that the boy didn't fit into her new family. The boy and I quickly bonded, and two years later (2018), he called me 'mom' for the first time. In 2019, (M41) and I got married. In 2020, during the pandemic, we had our son, who is now 4 years old, and in 2022, I became pregnant again with a girl who is now 1 year old.
We broke up after he cheated on me at a friend's party. He confessed to me what he had done, and I ended things. At the time, I was two months pregnant. However, I'm not a resentful person, so we remained friends and are great co-parents. His older son lives with me and my ex, and after the breakup, he moved to an apartment 10 minutes away from our house. In summary, we have a great relationship. After a few months of separation, he started dating another woman, (F39). This woman is one of my uncle's wife's best friends, so I had seen her a few times before she started dating my ex. My ex and I have birthdays very close to each other, just three days apart. Every year, we go to Greece together, and last year, even though we were separated, was no different. It was just the two of us, our children, and his mother. One night, we went out and left the kids with his mother. We drank, and he tried to get with me, but I refused. We went back to the hotel, and he went to his room. We never talked about what happened again. Last Christmas, he was in Toronto for work, so we decided to go there as a family. What I didn't know is that he had broken up with (F39) because he wanted a second chance with me. Since then, he has been trying to regain my trust. In March, we talked, and I said we would get back together under certain conditions, which he agreed to. All our close friends and family knew we had rekindled our relationship, but we never shared anything on social media. Last month was my uncle's wedding, and when we arrived, my husband and I came face to face with his ex. We ignored her, but she stared at us throughout the entire ceremony. A few days after the ceremony, my uncle's wife's sister called me. She told me that (F39) had had a psychotic episode after seeing me with my husband. She had tried to contact my husband, but he had blocked her on everything. The news spread quickly, but it spread in a different version. The version that spread is that I had broken up with my husband without revealing a reason and that after seeing him happy with another woman, I asked him to leave her, and he obeyed me. Now everyone is calling me an idiot.
Can anyone help me with what to do? I'm being lynched by people who heard the other version of the story.

I (27afab) have had a lot of bad experiences with close friends throughout my life.
To spare you the details, most of the time the afab people I was friends with mostly ended up talking behind my back, putting me in bad situations, i ended up being the ‘backup’ friend, painting me in a bad light to others, one sided ness where Im always getting called for ‘venting’, jealousy/insecurity because they felt they were always in my shadow and other petty things that cemented the definite end of those friendships, some I’ve remained amicable with, but the ones who did heinous enough things, im never going to forgive them.
The amab people i was friends with mostly ended up being ‘friends’ for ulterior motives, whether they were waiting to see if i would get it on with them or trying to get my self confidence down so they have a better chance at getting in my pants or some other awful things like gender envy and treating me like shit for not being a proper ‘woman’. Of course the ones who ended up assaulting me ive cut out entirely.
The thing is, I yearn for a close platonic friendship, Im just so exhausted due to my own personal health circumstances and past experiences, that talking/reaching out to the few people I could develop a good friendship with just drains me. I barely talk to anyone because I dont actually like talking to anyone. It stresses me out and i just feel annoyed. Im aware that not starting conversations or making plans/flaking makes most people feel like im not interested in them or the relationship fizzles away.
I hate feeling like Im a burden and/or that im just putting myself in a situation where I’ll be betrayed by someone again, its like im burdening myself just for the sake of friendship.
I also am working to better my life conditions and studying full time while working part time +i have hobbies that take up a lot of the little energy I have after all is said and done. I do have a partner and talk to them and i do feel overwhelmed sometimes by having conversations with them, but I just push through it.
I don’t know what to do anymore because I feel like I have a good friend right now and I want to spend more time with her to get to the point where were close friends but life isnt like the sims and I dont know how to be better friends with her since she already has a best friend. I talk to a bunch of people in my classes but i dont know if they fall under the friend category.
Im kinda neurodivergent so friend stuff is hard for me to navigate and before yall jump down my throat, I did weekly therapy(talk, group and dbt/cbt) for almost a decade so I know how to interact better with people and im not blaming everyone but myself, i know i couldve choose better in the past.
But I cant help but feel alone without a close friend in my life. I love my partner, im close to them, Im just of the opinion that a romantic relationship cannot be the only friendship/social outlet because it puts a lot of pressure on the other person, has the potential to turn toxic and i dont want them to get annoyed at me or overwhelmed.
Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm a substitute teacher in Florida, and I have been for about a year while I work towards my degree. I'm gonna start this off by saying most of the schools that I have been to have been perfectly fine; the students walk in normally, take a seat and converse quietly until I start instructing, at which point they quiet down and follow whatever instructions I give them. Even if there is talking during work time, I can generally trust that it won't get out of hand and that all the students will still complete the work given. Students at these schools actually respect educators.
The crazy thing is, when I say "these schools" I'm sure y'all think I mean affluent white majority schools; the reality is that a lot of the schools I teach at are majority Hispanic and not all that well off, yet they are still respectful and still show an eagerness to learn.
Every single majority black school I have been to has been a shit show. Students come into class running around, jumping, pushing other kids, walking in and out of class, blasting music, cursing—basically everything but respectfully walking in. Even after the bell rings, the students at black majority schools act like nothing happened; when I try to give my instruction, I am met with laughter and even louder talking.
Let's say I make it past that little hurdle and actually manage to give the instructions to the students. None of them take the initiative to do anything unless I am literally hovering over them every single second of the period. If they don't have a pencil, they will just sit there all class doing nothing. And their excuse? It was your fault for not giving them one in the first place. I am not exaggerating when I say NONE of them have any interest in learning. If I so much as look down for a second, it's back to mayhem in the classroom.
Every day that I work at a black majority school, I endure insults from multiple students (such as "fuck you nigga" or "I ain't doin' that shit bitch" in response to being asked to do a worksheet), witness twerking on a desk to Sexyy Redd's music, see at least three fights, and send at least ten students to the office (who by the way get sent back 20 minutes later doing the same thing that got them sent out).
The funniest part is I think liberal leaning people in this country tend to have this false belief that just because someone is black, they are automatically progressive and accepting. These kids I have seen at black majority schools say some of the most vile, disgusting shit I have ever heard. On the daily, comments making fun of rape, gay people, teen moms, and pretty much anything or anyone else you can think of. As an Indian-American male, I have ONLY experienced racism at these black majority schools. These kids will literally play stereotypical Indian music on a hidden speaker to mess with me, ask me if I have a job at 7/11, call me Mohammad—you get the point.
These majority black schools are not worth all the support and help that they get; their students do not know how to use it. These kids wouldn't try in school even if they were guaranteed a full ride to Harvard after.

Please forgive me for any spelling or grammar errors. English is not my first language.
For a little background. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years with a year and a half in long distance relationship. We met after College became friends and after a few months started dating. Before him I had been in 2 serious relationships. With him it was instantly different, I felt at home, we are open about absolutely everything (well l'm not sure about this one from his part, either he's hiding something or I'm really just overthinking ). We planned a future together, have already introduced each other to our families and friends.
To the actual reason why I'm here today. My bf has a friend (27M) we'll call him S. They've been friends since childhood. The day we met they were together so yes I have known S from the onset . He seemed to be a cool guy, while my bf is quiet he's the opposite and is very friendly. After College I came back to my country and my bf (boyfriend) and S also went back to their country. They started working that side and I didn't even know they're in the same city till one day my bf tells me he's having a sleepover at his place.
I was shocked since he'd always talk about him if they hangout and all back in College and started asking a bit about why he didn't tell me and all. He just said he thought he did and we just moved past it. I don't remember what we talked about which led to him making jokes about if I think they're hooking up or something. I laughed and joined in . He knows I'm not homophonic and l've a gay cousin who l'm very close with. I have asked calmly a few times if he’s attracted to S but he has denied every single time.
Now the issue these jokes don't seem to be ending just like their meetings and sleepovers. These jokes range from explicit stuff like-: a-l'm the one who'll bend him over and fuck him. b-: my ass hole is painful side not let me sleep all weekend. c-: we kissed and he grabbed me d-: S came to my place and you know what went down, we did all positions e-: he'll blow me tomorrow since we're meeting. At the end of all these he always says he's joking. This is just but a few examples.
I really need advice on how to navigate this. I'm scared of wasting my time with a man who's not who I think he is. I don't have anything against gay or bisexual people. I'm a very open person. However when it comes to relationships I prefer straight monogamous men. Is my boyfriend gay or these are just regular innocent jokes?
TL;DR;: Is my bf bisexual or he’s just making jokes? How can I navigate the situation?

Link to the original post https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/s/jbfxzF7bwm
First I want to thank everyone who replied to my post with constructive opinion or even criticism. I did my best to read as much replies as possible to only realize that I wasn’t looking for a judgement as much as I was looking for advice.
I want to correct some wrong assumptions and clear some facts as I wasn’t able to do this in my previous post it was too long already. Personally I don’t believe there are bad guys in my story and this is to correct some of the wrong assumptions about my husband and my older brother. My husband never was a person that care for any materialistic possessions and he has a moral compass that still impresses me after all of these years together. I truly believe that his stance on the situation that we are going through comes only from his deep concern for our family .
Now if I want to explain my brother’s , it is because he got the most backlash with a lot of wrong interpretations to his character. I will not talk about how he always been a very loving and protective brother growing up to both my middle brother and me but I will talk about the six years that I have lived in his house under his care when my first husband died where I spent one year bed bound and almost two years in a wheelchair. My brother took care of me and my daughter in every way possible. I realize that he usually comes across as a rigid person but for people who really know him they know how big his heart is . He truly is the keeper for our traditions, he likes to constantly remind us all with how things always been done but he has never been cruel or controlling . We listen to him out of respect and not fear.
For the important part that I think most commentators were confused about is how our finances are handled. When I mentioned my personal accounts I was referring to funds that were my inheritance from my late husband plus my inheritance from my father that wasn’t in form of shares and properties. When my father inheritance was divided all assets were divided equally in form of shares to a holding company that is responsible for managing all investments. My middle brother and myself were never interested in getting involved we both know that our older brother thinks taking care of everyone is his personal responsibility and also we have never felt like he acts controlling with how we handle our expenses. The properties that he already gifted my nephews and nieces and plan on gifting my daughter are actually properties gifted from his own funds that has nothing to do with any shared accounts.
My brother stance towards my sponsorship of my stepchildren can appear as controlling but understanding cultural background might change how one feels about it .
Still I have read all your opinions and suggestions and regardless of whether I’m considered right or wrong , I still want to keep a relationship with my stepchildren even though I know that they have already decided to move away and settle in their home country . I have talked to my middle brother about the situation and although he agrees with my older brother that a line should be drawn between caring for them while they are living with us and inheritance, he still thinks there is no need to create such a hard time for everyone over two properties and he promised to have a talk with my older brother where he would tell him that he wants to gift my stepchildren a farewell gift when they decide to go back and settle in their home country . I feel so much better now for involving my middle brother maybe this whole situation can be resolved with everyone’s feelings unhurt

It seems like many people are not aware of the ways Taylor does a lot of harm (and I say this as a big fan of her music since 2006 Debut days). I felt the whole parasocial relationship phenomenon with her at one point myself. But why don’t we talk about the scary side of Taylor? She literally sent a cease-and-desist to a blogger for saying she should denounce white supremacy when a large portion of her fan base called her their Aryan goddess and insisted she was on their side. And then years later took to Twitter to complain that a line in a Netflix show (“you go through men faster than Taylor Swift”) was misogynistic but then said nothing of the racist hate (including death threats) that was directed towards the actress who delivered the line as a result. Her feminism isn’t feminism and her actions are hypocritical. She uses the feminist label to bolster her brand (same with her rainbow capitalism). Her fanbase is rabid and she clearly enjoys siccing them against her foes or she’d stop doing it only to stay silent. Her latest album has a song about Kim Kardashian, whom she feuded with, with the line “everyone knows my mother is a saintly woman, but she used to wish you were dead”. Kim’s name is spelled out in all caps in the song’s title so her Easter-egg hungry fans know exactly who to attack. Her song Better Than Revenge is all about bashing and sl*t shaming a woman who “stole her boyfriend”. Fans knew who she was singing about so they unleashed hell on the poor woman. She says nothing to call off her fans from sending death threats to anyone she’s feuding with. So basically she incites violence. She publicly dated an admitted racist who doubled down on his comments about Black women, but she expects sympathy when she faces misogyny. The list of racially insensitive things she’s done is long, including setting a music video in Africa but without any black people in it. Her carbon footprint is through the roof from her regular 10 minute rides on her private jet. A college student who was tracking her jet was also sent legal papers (her legal team is as rabid as her fanbase). Not to mention that hoarding a billion does make a person unethical. From her behavior, I have no reason to believe she’s not a racist billionaire bully and an opportunist.

Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
Having said his piece, Rene had expected the woman to accept her role as a prisoner of the Fleet. But no sooner had he taken his knee of her back than she was at him again, rolling over and cursing as she tried to spit him on her claws. Training kicked in and Rene applied the wrestling component of his hand-to-hand combat course. He secured underhooks with his arms, locking them together with his hands and hugging her tight from behind. Zildiz bucked and twisted around in a futile attempt to make room for her blades, even managing to get one of her knees beneath her and push off the ground. Rene allowed her to gain her feet, cunningly using the opening to slip the loop of his encircling arms around her waist. Now in complete control of her center of gravity, Rene swung his leg out and arched his back, heaving her up and over like a sack of turnips in a textbook suplex. A fraction of a second before he smashed the top of her skull into the hard ground, he remembered that he was supposed to keep prisoners alive and preferably not in a vegetative state, and so he cushioned the fall with his own body, falling on his side to increase surface area and dissipate the force.
Zildiz was caught totally by surprise. Unlike Rene she had neglected to tuck in her chin before the moment of impact, a vital detail which was one of the first things a recruit was taught to do on the mats.
“Oof!” she said as all the breath slammed out of her by the throw. Rene felt her body go limp as her dazed senses tried to adjust to the violent change of orientation. He took advantage of this moment of weakness and looped his legs around her body, locking his ankles together to form a full body triangle. His left forearm punched up and took her neck in a rear naked choke, a suffocating vise formed by the insides of his elbow crushing her windpipe and carotid arteries.
“I warned you,” he told her. His choking hand grabbed the inside of his other elbow, right forearm sneaking behind her neck and under his armpit, tightening the garrote even further.
“Had enough?”
“Hrrnnkk…” Zildiz choked. She lifted an arm and slid back the blade until it was the length of a finger, deliberately giving Rene the universal gesture to go and fornicate with himself, before sheathing the claw entirely and aiming her fist at him over her shoulder.
Rene ducked as the blade shot out again, only just avoiding it going through his eye socket and into his brain. As it was, it only nicked his temple, sending warm lines of blood trickling down his visor. Rene hugged her even tighter, constricting the chokehold until he heard her breathing reduced to an agonized wheeze. He throttled her until she stopped moving, her struggles weakening until she went completely lax. Then he held the choke for exactly three seconds longer, counting carefully to avoid giving her lasting brain damage. He let go and was relieved to hear her snoring faintly. Gently rolling her onto her back so she didn’t suffocate in the dirt, Rene cast about for a means to secure his prisoner. He had only a few seconds before she regained consciousness. Quickly he cut some vines from the surrounding trees and knotted them into a crude rope. He flipped her back over again and tied her hands at the wrists and elbows. He had no illusions that it would hold her for long. He tied her wings together at their bases for good measure. She had two sets of them, but the larger pair was missing one of its partners that had been torn off at the socket to reveal a gaping wound. They were wondrously tough membranes considering how thin and flexible they were, as sturdy as ultrapod leather. Rene looked over his work and loosened it a bit so as not to cut off the circulation in her arms. It wasn’t bad for something done on the fly. Then again, he’d been playing this whole thing by ear ever since the ambush that had cut his unit to pieces. Ye gods, but that whole experience felt like a lifetime ago. He had not expected to ever use that component of his hand-to-hand training designed for fighting human opponents. Of course, he’d helped put down a fair share of civil unrest in his time, but even during the worst of the food riots in Mound Ulysses he’d never so much as given a person a light shove. The civilians knew better than to antagonize a battalion of the Fleet’s finest over something as routine and reoccurring as a government rationing in the face of crop failure.
He felt quite bad about having to roughhouse the woman, that is, until she sat up awake and glowered hatefully at him, coughing and retching.
“Don’t,” he pleaded with her in exasperation as she gave him the old stink eye, “I don’t want to fight you again.”
“Why?” she spat defiantly, “Afraid you’d lose?”
“Uh huh,” Rene grunted, amused and even a little impressed by her spunk. She couldn’t have weighed more than sixty kilos soaking wet and was at least half a foot shorter than him even with that exomorph of hers, but this woman was all fight and no quit. She would have to be, living on the surface world and facing these abominations day after day. Rene looked at the dismembered corpses of the black-furred devils and had a sudden jolt of inspiration. As Zildiz tested the strength of her restraints Rene went over to the monster he had chopped to bits and poked the misshapen hump on its back, which had excreted thick ribbons of silk at the moment of death. Feeling more than a little squeamish, Rene pulled on the threads of silk. He had only meant to collect two or three meters of the material, but more and more of the stuff kept unwinding out its glands like a handkerchief from a magician’s pocket. Eventually his hands became enmeshed in the horrid stuff and he had to struggle like the dickens to unstick himself and scrape it off onto a bush where it stuck like a lumpy hammock. Remembering how his enemy had plugged the stab wound in its gut, Rene snapped off a twig and curled it into the white mess like those vendors at the fairs did with candy cloud treats, ending up with a spool of silk. He applied it to the cut on his temple by winding it around his head like a bandage, and was gratified when it stopped the bleeding almost immediately. He heard the rustle of dead leaves and turned around to find Zildiz furtively attempting to sidle away from him.
“Don’t even try it,” he told her, “Or I’ll run you down and knock you senseless. I’m taking you back to civilization. The Fleet needs to know what it’s up against out here, and you’re a veritable trove of information.”
Zildiz squatted back down and stared at him, simmering with resentment. Rene shook his head and continued his work, moving on to the monster that had been the first to die at the woman’s hands. Cutting open its hump, Rene was rewarded with a dense lump of thread still packed inside its spinneret. He took another twig and spooled it in, then wrapped the bundle of silk in a large leaf.
A leg twitched of its own accord. Rene nearly dropped the bundle as he sprang back, sword upraised. The devil’s limbs began doing a tap dance and Rene relaxed a bit, recognizing it as the onset of rigor mortis. The side of its face was split open and hanging loosely by a strap of flesh. Struck by a nagging suspicion, Rene stooped down and peeled off the segments of its head, holding the edge of his sword against its neck to decapitate it in the event that it proved too lively for his liking.
The musculature and armor tore away just like it had with Zildiz’s helm, and for the second time that night he found himself staring into the face of another living human being. Only this time it was a man whose face was utterly disfigured, a perversion of the basic form. In the place of his lower jaw were fingerlike protrusions of gummy tissue and exposed nerve endings. His nose cartilage was likewise missing, leaving only a pair of holes dribbling with snot. The man blinked, and glassy eyes with almost no whites at their edges fixed Rene in their gaze.
“Kill…me…” the man whispered.
Rene began to shake uncontrollably, wiping a trembling hand across his mouth as he was forced to consider the carnage he’d just wrought in a new and horrifying light. These weren’t three dead monsters littering the jungle floor; these were three dead men, and some of them he had killed himself.
“Kill me!” the man begged him. He was young, barely Rene’s age, his smooth skin untroubled by the wrinkles of age and worry. He had clear brown pupils and dark, expressive brows. If it weren’t for all the rest of him, Rene might’ve mistaken him for a fresh-faced recruit at the academy, or a paperboy climbing up the terraced apartments of inner hive to deliver news of the Fleet’s latest victory.
On unsteady legs Rene staggered back to Zildiz’s side and away from the awful truth he had uncovered.
“Something the matter?” Zildiz asked in a gleeful tone, “Feeling a little worse for wear, are we?”
“Shut it,” Rene said distantly. He dragged Zildiz to her feet and began winding the silk around her wrists, layering them over thick and tying them off with a simple knot. He kept the vines on her for added insurance and told her to start walking.
“Where to?” she demanded.
“I’m not feeding you to my children, if that’s what you’re asking,” he muttered, “I don’t have any to begin with, and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t raise them to be cannibals.”
Zildiz didn’t move, so Rene grabbed her and frog marched her away. He had no real destination in mind—he just had to get away from this place and the bodies he’d made. Zildiz rounded on Rene, saying:
“Aren’t you going to deal with him? I only severed his neural connection to paralyze his exomorph. He’s still very much alive.”
“No!” Rene yelled, “That’s not how I—how people do things. Almighty ancestors, is that so hard for you to grasp?”
“Yes,” Zildiz replied quite candidly.
“He’s a living, breathing human being. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but those are pretty rare on Arachnea and worth keeping around.”
“No. He is a Leaper. After extracting your gilt helix, he and his packmates would devoured you right then and there.”
“That’s why you saved me, isn’t it? So they couldn’t obtain this shiny helix thing?”
Zildiz ignored his question, continuing:
“If you leave him here, at best he will die of exposure. At worst, his tribe will come looking for him, and if they find him, they will run us down and kill us anyway.”
Rene bit his lip. She spoke the truth and they both knew it. But after all this world had already taken from him, there remained one thing which he refused to part with. And Rene knew that if he gave in now and took the expedient option—the sensible option—he would be surrendering it forever.
“Sorry,” he said finally, “That’s against the rules.”
He dragged Zildiz over to the Leaper and spoke to him, saying:
“I won’t kill you. I’m not about to eat you either, so you can stop begging for a quick death. As long as you tell me what I want to know, we’ll leave you here and go our separate ways. I might even patch your wounds if you’re cooperative. Does that strike you as a fair bargain?”
The Leaper met this pronouncement with a look of utter perplexity that mirrored the one on Zildiz’s face.
“I’ll take that silence as a yes,” Rene said impatiently, “You’ll begin by telling me your name.”
“Kryptusshh,” the Leaper said slowly, as if not daring to hope.
“Very good. Are there any more of your people out there, Kryptus?”
“Why sshhould I trusht you? I would only be dooming more of my kindred, and there issh no certainty you would not kill me afterwardssh.”
“It’s a chance you have to take,” Rene shrugged, “Either that, or I’ll let this woman do as she pleases with you. And just between you and me,” he said in a loud stage whisper, “She doesn’t seem all that fond of your sort.”
Zildiz and Kryptus locked eyes with each other. Rene could almost feel the waves of hatred coming off her as she bristled, every tendon in her body tensing expectantly. Kryptus must have seen something he didn’t like, for he looked away and said:
“I am a warrior of the Weeping Vipersh. We are roughly eleven hundred sshtrong. One tenth of that number are bravesshh like me.”
“He lies,” Zildiz said, baring her teeth in a snarl, “That is less than half their true strength. He does not count the adolescents and the old loom-mothers, who are the deadliest of their kind.”
“Three hundred, then, if they are consshidered,” Kryptman quickly admitted, “Your pardon, merciful one.”
“I’ll excuse your forgetfulness just this once,” Rene warned, “But your memory better not fail you again.”
He questioned the Leaper closely. Kryptus claimed that only he and his pack had seen the safety pod’s crash landing, and that they had told no one else as they wished to claim the great prize all for themselves. The Weeping Vipers were the largest tribe in the rainforest and were always looking for an advantage over their numerous and belligerent neighbors. Apparently Kryptus had hoped to gain a modicum of the Divine Engine’s power by extracting something called a ‘gilt helix’ from Rene’s blood.
“Jussht one sample would have shatishfied uss,” Kryptus swore, “Then we would have taken you back to the Loom alive.”
“I’m sure nothing would’ve pleased you better,” Rene said wryly, all too cognizant of Zildiz’s earlier assumption that he planned to feed her to the Fleet’s youth.
Rene learned from Kryptus that the Divine Engine had ignited a blazing wildfire that was swiftly spreading north and west. The tribes would likely have noticed it by now, and would all be sending braves in a joint effort to douse the flames. For some reason all the Leapers felt collectively responsible for the wellbeing of the region, and could not allow it to come to harm for fear of dire repercussions.
“Last question. Is anyone going to come looking for you?”
“Not till the morning.”
“Good!” said Zildiz, breaking out of Rene’s grip and aiming a vicious kick at the side of the Leaper’s head. Rene barely caught her and yanked her back, shouting:
“Blood and thunder, woman! Is there nothing you won’t do to piss me off?”
“Are you insane? You cannot possibly mean to leave him alive!” the Gallivant hissed.
“That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Now come here!”
Rene took her by the elbow and pulled her forward, leaving Kryptus where he lay.
“You promished you would tend to my woundssh!” the Leaper cried after them.
“Don’t push your luck!” Rene said over his shoulder, “Anyone who follows us will meet the same end as your friends.”
He and his prisoner went tramping off into the night, Zildiz raging at him all the while.
“Fool! We will both come to regret that decision!”
“You’re probably right,” Rene had to agree.
“Then why did you do it?”
“For the same reason I’m letting you strut around and screech into my ear. What can I say? I’m a conversationalist.”
Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRASadsadboon posting in relationship_advice
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 17th February 2024
Update - 23rd February 2024
Previous BORU is here
1 New Update
Update 2 - 15th May 2024
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I (29M) lost my wife three years ago. Started dating again, and new girlfriend (32F) wants to visit my wife's grave.
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I am one of many who lost someone in that damn 2020. She was my world and we had our future all set up, she wanted children too by 2021, and then she was gone.
I felt I had lost all sense of purpose and after an agonizing year, moved away - not too far, but not close either. I didn't feel like I could breathe in that town. Still, every Saturday I get back and visit her resting place.
I just functioned for about two years - I am not depressed or anything like that, but I just functioned. Until I met who we will call Ada last year.
We started talking and hanging out together. She can be a bit haughty with people she doesn't know well but I was surprised to find out how sweet and kind she is under the ice. She gave me something to look forward to again. She likes to do most of the talking herself, which is fine with me because I never know what to say.
She knows everything about my wife, and this didn't discourage her. She knows I am doing therapy and still mourning, but she never left me alone. I asked her to tell me if anything I do or say makes her feel uncomfortable or like she's not a priority - she said that as of now I am doing nothing of the sort. She knows what I do every Saturday morning, and never objected to it. But today she said she would like to "meet her", as in accompany me in visiting her grave.
I feel conflicted about this. On one hand I respect and feel touched by her wish, on other it feels... weird, for a guy to take the new girlfriend where the first wife is buried. How should I approach this? Is it too soon, should I ask her to wait for that?
TL;DR I am a widower who started dating. Girlfriend wants to visit my wife's grave and I have conflicting feelings about it.
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Comments
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jiddlyjidson
Waiting is fine if you are not ready. It feels like she wants to support you in something that was (and am sure still is) pretty traumatic. Joining you to visit isn’t about meeting your wife, it’s about being with you whilst you are still grieving/recovering.
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Inner-Pianist-7628
Came here to say this last part. She genuinely wants to be apart of your life and support you bro. This is actually kind of beautiful. On the flip note it’s totally understandable that you might not be ready though.

OOP: Thank you. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about this, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.
To clarify, I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave or crying my eyes out when I visit. I just keep it clean, water the flowers and replace the dead ones, check the wear and tear on the stone, and clean the glass with her picture.

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Update - 6 days later
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Some additional info and an update.
Some redditors and some people around us were worried that my relationship with Ada is just a rebound. I admit is something that I too was worried about, and Ada told me she didn't have long lasting expectations at first.
We began dating in April 2023, but as things progressed and she saw my intentions are serious and I'm committed, her doubts about me were gone. She says we are made of the same stuff - we are two loyal, committed and hardworking people and she wants a future with me. And so do I. We are looking for a new place to share and I'm looking for the ring to make my proposal.
I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about my past, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.
To my surprise, everyone approves of us - my parents, Ada's parents, and my late wife's mother. We never got any backlash.
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On the update. I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing. So I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday. She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me.
However I had unexpected things come up for tomorrow - I have to cover for a sick coworker, which means I'll be taken all morning and great part of the afternoon. It happens, and when it happens I either go on Friday or Sunday. I decided to go this afternoon (we are in Europe, it's evening here) and asked Ada if she wanted to come along - and she readily agreed.
We didn't talk much during the drive. When we arrived, we made our way to my wife's tombstone and I just said "Well, here she is". I fetched the water for the flowers and start my usual routine, Ada just crouched as if to examine it. Then she just helped me with the caretaking routine, removing the dead leaves and flowers, and cleaning the picture and the light. We then took a walk around the cemetery (might sound weird, but it's not unusual here as many cemeteries double as parks here) then sat outside for a smoke before the drive back.
We talked a bit, and Ada, who's quite the stoic, got a little emotional. She was happy I had let her in on such what for me is a particularly intimate and sacred place, but also shaken because after all the talking we had done of my late wife she subconsciously thought of her as someone she'd want to meet and be friends with, but seeing the grave reminded and cemented the fact that this amazing woman is gone. It was a bit of shaking for me too seeing her tearing up, since she's the most stoic woman I've ever met, but also made me think how this woman is a rare gem.
I don't doubt that in different circumstances, my late wife and Ada would have been great friends. And I'm a very lucky guy for finding not one, but two amazing woman which gave and still give my life meaning every day.
TL;DR I brought my girlfriend to my late wife's grave, and things went well.
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Comments
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TBagger1234
I’ve read so many posts here about people who have lost their partner and their new partner wants them to remove all memory of them as if they aren’t an important part of your life story. Ada is a good one. All the best OP!

OOP: Yeah, I read some of those posts too. Stuff of nightmares.

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grandmasvilla
You are blessed to meet someone like Ada who is kind and understanding. Show your appreciation for her with your love and make her happy for the rest of your life. All the best.

OOP: Naturally, my friend. Making her happy and smile every day is my top priority. She gave me another chance at life.

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Update 2 - 3 months later
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Hello, I hope everyone here is well.
For a couple of months I had forgotten about this account, but I gave it a look the other day and read again all the beautiful comments and some very touching private messages. Again, thank you all for your interest and kindness.
Ada and I are doing well and we have found a place to move in together. If all goes well we'll be living together by July. Last month was the fourth anniversary of my late wife's passing. Ada was with me and held my hand.
I was a bit depressed like I am always am on our anniversaries, but Ada made it better. Sometimes I dream about my late wife, her coming back home, but either she never talks or I never remember what she says. However, when I dreamed her that night, in the dream there was Ada as well and they met each other. She was very happy about us and told me she's happy Ada is there for me when she can't.
I talked with Ada about the dream, and we agreed it's my brain telling me it's okay to move on. I'll always love, honor and cherish my late wife, but now there is Ada who is giving me so much and deserves to be happy, to be loved and honored the way she deserves. And I don't intend to disappoint her.
As an aside, Ada also said that who knows, it could also be the spirit of my late wife visiting me in the only place she can, my dreams. She says we can see like that if we take the spiritual approach. Honestly I wouldn't know, death is one of those mysteries only those who passed have discovered, and they can't tell us.
We are doing well. We have also managed to program our first true vacation together and I was proud to formally introduce Ada as my partner when my company's CEO invited me to dinner with her husband.
It's an exciting new journey and we are thrilled to see where it will lead us. We are a team and we have a game plan.
TL;dr Things are good.
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Comments
BigIronBruce

I talked with Ada about the dream, and we agreed it's my brain telling me it's okay to move on

This is very sweet but I want to caution you that grief is complicated and recovery does not always happen in a straight line. You might sometimes have really complicated feelings of betrayal or heartbreak in the future and that's normal.
It's ok to move on, I'm sure your wife would want that but be careful of interpreting dreams.
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mak_zaddy
I love a great Reddit update. A true palate cleanser.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I'm a 29 year old male and i will try to summarize the horrendous situation I find myself without leaving to many crucial details out. I was with my ex girlfriend for nearly 6 years. The red flags were present fromn the beggining but looking back I had no way to understand what they were at the time partly due to my young nievete and partly due to the fact that coming from a emotijallyabusive household I had normalized many of the more subtle behaviors and therefore they fell within a blindspot of my cognitive distortions at the time. From the very start she would begin punching herself in her own head if i ever became upset with her in any way or during any attempt to verbally work a problem out. I thought she was just a bit flippant and intense. Dare I say I almost found it attractive in a strange sense. She was and still to this day, stunningly beautiful and menacingly seductive and knows how she can have a significant effect on males especially without doing very much in the way of actions. Fast forward she unknown to me at the time discontinued her birth contorll pills while still assuring me she was taking them and ultimetly lied by telling me she had just to fund out she had become pregnant herself after missing a period. We were both in our mid to early 20s still more or less financially dependant on our parents and were living on public city streets in our tow behind rv with our 2 dogs. She was idealizing me and to be frank I remebr this period of time as the happiest iv been eever before and up untill now. This memory of "happiness" I think was the biggest reason it took me so long to finally start trying to advocate for my self respect instead of hanging my head and just ignoring the abuse so that I would get the sweet reward of psedo- intimacy with her a few times a week. Despite my fond memories looking back I see now what could only be described as patterns if coercive control that seriously escalated over the 5 years we were in a relationship with each other and included her beggining to cheat early on and the resulting systemic lies and relational damage from needing to formulate and bend the nature of reality around those lies. Her hot and cold treatment of me with any postive(hot) behavior usually at least in the last few years being exclusively sexual in nature and cold behavior usually manifesting as her stonewalling me and or simply disappearing for multiple days at a time sometimes. The day my son was born i accompanied her to the hospital and sat with her the entire time helped her push ans enouraged her with love. She treated me with indifference and disdain. Once our wonderful little boy came along this a became even worse. The sense that she was making it about him and her vs everyone else including me was strong. She became quite introverted secretive and "cliquey" with my newborn and at the same time seemed to loose all desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with me. (Of course i gave her plenty of time and space right after she gave birth amd was understanding that it might be a while before things were back to normal).it was almost like she had a new partner-our child. she refused to fully move in to the apartment my grandparents had spent a huge amint of money on to give us a chance at raising our soon in a healthy environment. She would start random and seemingly pointless arguments often escalating into her screaming mean things at me innfront of our 3 month old son like she ****ed me and then raging followed by quickly slamming the door and taking our infant son backto her mother's house where she would stonewall me for a few days then send me. A message that emotionally blackmailed me into taking full blame for the rupture and apologizing profusely. In addition she did not trust me with our son but had no reason not too and as a result gatekept him in an extremely overcintrolling and damaging(for him and for me) manner. to this day (he is 3.5] I have never spent the night alone with him and have had him 1 on 1 dad and son time signifigantly less than I should have and not for lack of trying on my part. Despite her overcontrolling coercive sabatoging and alienating actions my son and I formed a loving and beautiful bond that up untill I saw him last a few months ago has amazingly endured through the storm. The tradegy goes on and on but to wrap up ultimitely she purposefully betrayed me by starting a relationship with my good friend and had him suggest to me that he should move in so he became my roommate all the while lying to my roommate that I ht her and simultaneously having him report back to her on my whereabouts at any Givin time and the things I said about her when venting after a prticulringly humiliating attempt to see my son or similar interaction and also give her info about what I was doing during the day. He became quite controlling himself and severed to further isolate me from people that weren't trying to ruin my life. They started to play mindgames with me that ibsee now attempts to gage how much I knew or suspected about what was going on. Mind you my son who was around 2 at this point was privy to the whole thing it was only kept a secret from me and due to this my son was coached to not tell me about it although what was actually said I will never know. Eventually a mutual friend of my roommate and I reached out and told me he had seen my roommate "playing dad" with my girl and son at dollar tree that day. I remebrr that day I sat at a local park in my car sullen and confused having been led on via sms from her only to randomly stop responding and never managing to get any time with my son. This sort of thing had become a regular occurance She then began withholding my son all togethar simply not answering at all or lying about him being asleep ridiculously early in the afternoon etc etc. My own parents failed to suppprt me and are still failing to show any sort of care other than somehwat monitarily. In fact my mom and her were two peas in a pod and my mom activly participated in the emotional abuse partly becauee of being manipulated by her partly because my mother is emotionally abusive. If I had better support or access to court resources at the time I'm confident things would have gone much differently but I was so isolated and lonely and in a deep state of despair at this point and the only thing I still was enduring for was the brief and inconsistent times i got with my boy whom I love more than life itself. I managed to get a hold of her via phone at this point and said i was going to go to court and pursue custody since she seemed unwilling to value my valid role as father. Her mom and her immediately became overly nice and invited me over where they sat me down and offered to make a visitation schedule and kindly suggested I dident go to court. It wasent much but it was signifgantly more respect than I had been shown any instance prior so I gobbled up the manipulations and left feeling invigorated and hopeful. The schedule was never adhered too and within a few days it was back to me not even be able to get a hold of her let alone see my son. The final day I saw him before things blew up I went over to her house in the evening. My son wanted to play hot wheels so we began to line them up on the floor but my ex was hovering over us with a hostile air. I asked if we could have some space or if at least she could sit down and play with us and she just kept standing there glaring at me. This made me uncomfortable and my son noticed this by sayig daddy play with me! Upon hearing this she in a angry tone said "play with your effin kid isent that what you wanted to do soooooo badly" right in front of him. I asked not to be spoken to in front of him like that and she went and got her mom and started whispering abut me to her mom in the hallway while they watched my son and I. I got up and said I'm leaving this is innappropriate and she said "wow that checks out you harrass me to see your son and then you don't even wanna see him. how pathetic and typical" " you just want to stress me out dont you" you don't actually give 2 you know what's about him" right in front of my son again. I speechlessly went to leave and my son comes running after me begging me to wait. I'm on the verge of tears and i picked him up cherishing how warm he was and how lovingly he was clinging to me. I tentatively requested I be allowed to go for a walk with him around the block and her mom this time dismissively says ya go and shoos us out the door. I get down the driveway and my ex comes sprinting out of the house tears streaming down her face and a look of rage and starts hitting me while I'm holding our son. Amazingly he start4d pushing her away saying mommy stop mommy stop. She says you have 5 minutes or I'm calling the cops and goes back in. I walk him around the block and say "mommy's feeling sad right now but it doesn't mean that either one of us loves you any more or any less than we used to and it's absolutely not your fault." I go back inside and without saying anything I walk up to her and give her a hug wich my son joins in too. All the sudden she is happy again and trying to speak to me in a casual tone but I basically just leave without saying much else. After this a week of no contact with my son occurs which at the time was the longest we had gone apart I felt like I had no choice but to confront her and assert my rights AGAIN although looking back I feel terribley silly for thinking she was going to repsect me at that point. Keep in mind i ALWAYS was extrmely respectful of her space and never would just show up at her moms house even though our relationahip by many accounts was more than informal ennough to make an occasionaI drop in to say hi. In addition she on Many occasions had told me that I could just come by if she didn't Answer her phone or simular situation arose. I texted her I was coming by to say goodnight to my son and phrased it as a statement not a question or request. I was already on the way when I sent the message and so I arrived (unintentionally)before her being able to fully respond to it to see my romate come running out of the front door (this is when I first had proof ab about all the stuff I mentioned earlier about their secret relationship) and go hide in the bushes, her poke her head out the door and then shut and lock it and turn all the lights in the house out and close the blinds. I walk up to the door and knock to no avail and so I confront her about what i know and saw via sms. She directly denies all my proof and accusations and then after calling me crazy and a stalker blocks me on all channels of communication. I go back to my car and collapse in tears and ultimtly fall asleep. I wake up to see her quickly shoving a duffel bag and my son into her moms car and her and my roommate get in and she pulls quickly away. Upon passing me on her way to the main road she becomes aware that im still there in my car and she burns rubber and begins driving extremely fast and erratically. In a moment of panic I knew she was probably trying to go into hiding with my son to prevent me from evrr seeing him again and I fearing for the safety of my son and our relationship I regrettably felt compelled to follow. We got on the freeway where she initiatied speeds of 100 plus miles perhour weaving in between semi's and this sort of thing continued d for an hour in the interim I had called 911 and also she had pulled up too a gas station casually got out and pumped gas upon her getting back in the car I witnessed my roommate making derogatory and taunting sexual gestures referring to my ex and also what i can only describe as cuddling with my son in the back seat and became enraged and made some threatening motions with a large wooden shovel handle while standing next to her car that were directed at my betraying friend and I feel terrible for doing in front of my child but in the moment I was so desperate and upset by the psychological torture i had been through it clouded my normally good judgment. In the end the police couldn't locate us due to my 911 call continually being transfered fron highway patrol dispatch back to whatever city we were in at the times dispatch. Also ultimetly no physical harm or even any other attempts happend or anything to anyone of the people involved and eventually I gave up and drove back to my hometown. She immediately filed for a domestic violence restraining order and used a recording she took of me looking aggressive and threatening outside her car as proof im abusive and violent even though i have never been either of those things. Especially not violent. I may not have been the most mature or experienced or attentive partner for some of our relationship but anything I did was truly a far cry from the serious emotional anguish I have ben subjected to here and not abusive. I did not lie, cheat,manipulate, gaslight, trick, triangulate, turn family againts or ever feel superior or entitled to harm or use her in any way. I loved her and she did all those to me and now is trying to steal the most precious thing I have left in the world from me so she can emotionally scar him with her idea of what good parenting is which in truth is emotional abuse.. She moved my old roommate in to her moms house full time the very next day and from what I hear they both are abusing meth and who knows what else currently plus this guy is not somone that is safe around my son to that degree. He is not a healthy safe adult for such a young boy and in addition he is vindictive and dislikes me mostly because my ex told him I hit her and abused her which are absolutely complete lies. I'm facing a situation now where I have to sit by and watch my son turned agsints me and withheld from me and abused and eveyone treats me like im the abuser. I have tried to contact every dv organization in my local area and as soon as they hear what happend it's almost like I can Feel the switch flip and in the moment it's evident that all the abuse that I had recounted surviving through doesn't matter because I'm some "unhinged abusive guy that chases people down the freeway" eveyone I have reached out to locally has invalidated me and berrated me for "what I did" and successfully pathologized what I consider to be a huge mistake that I feel very regretful for loosing my composure but also a rather understandable emotional reaction to severe mistreatment and fear for my son. I'm beggining to feel so isolated riding the emotional Rollercoaster of self doubt and powerlessness that this abuse at the hands of my ex but dare I say worse yet the abuse by way of victim blame and invalidation from these people and organizations that exist to help dv survivors has caused me. which because I reacted I'm not worthy of being included as a survivor. Cn you offer any advice or support or suggestions? I'm terrified for my sons wellbeing currently and haven't been able to see him in going on 2.5 months now clear and to be clear the domestic violence restraining order is still temporary. I have the final hearing in August.i

Is this normal, or is it just a problem within my family?
I’m a nice person. I keep myself to myself, NEVER complain about others, NEVER expect anything from anyone, am generally a pleasant person to be around and always positive around my family and everyone I meet. I never get mad at anyone with good intentions and always assume the best in people.
What I have noticed is the energy I get in return is a stark difference between my family and the general public.
People I meet on a day to day basis return my positive energy and 99% of the people I meet are absolutely lovely back to me. However at home, my parents will literally pick up on anything I do and complain about it, even if it’s not necessarily an objectively bad thing, they’ll just moan about it or say how it’s weird what I’m doing with a certain attitude (I’m literally just doing my own thing, not harming anyone). It’s like they’re purposely trying to ruin my positive attitude and get me to return negative energy back. They never say anything nice to me or about me, are always negative when I’m around and generally make it obvious they want me to leave. I cannot even make conversation with them half the time because they’re that engrossed in whatever they’re watching on TV that they get pissed off if I even try to make conversation.
I also just honestly don’t know how you can be outright mean to someone who never goes out of their way to be nasty to you and the only criticism you ever have of them are honest mistakes. I can honestly say never ONCE in my life have i been mad at someone with good intentions who’s made an honest mistake. It seriously makes no sense.
I’m not sure if this is typical within families? Or it’s just my experience and that my family is a toxic negative household. Everyone I meet in day to day life is absolutely fucking lovely though, I work in a shop so maybe the general public are just nice to retail staff? Is it just because my family feel like because they know me so well they’re ‘allowed’ to be horrible and will get away with it?
I’m at a wit’s end as to whether it’s me, my family or just a general issue people have with their families/people they live with?

I will preface this long winded anecdote with this. I reached out to Dee Dee after her live to see if she wanted to have a conversation, she said, FU.
Dee Dee and I mutually flirted with one another. illy was always in our calls when it happened. Illy is a very good person and gets shocked easily, so the flirting always made her turn red. Things were said on both of our parts that might make people blush, but it was always mutual and honestly made us laugh.
Did I ask Dee Dee if she liked me, one time? Yes, because she was flirting with me. Did she say no? Yes, and I let it go. She has often times in our 3 way FaceTimes, asked me to come cuddle with her. We mutually discussed that if we ever met, we might go “there” if you know, you know, but that was it. I never had a thing for Dee Dee. It was fun to flirt but I think in all our times talking face to face, we only talked privately a couple times and there was no flirting going on.
I stopped talking to Dee Dee because she had stopped talking and I heard she had been telling people she stopped talking to “us” because she was tired of being the only one to reach out. I have proof of the contrary. I have many many texts where myself or myself and illy reached out to her daily asking how her Mother was, long after her Mother was out of the hospital. I sent her a cheese cake for her birthday, I participated in the act of love for the homeless.
To hear that she stepped away from lack of communication on my part or illy and my part, is ludicrous. I believe she stepped away because I simply said these words to her in a 3 way call. I like Christine, I think she’s a good person. as Dee Dee was talking about their friendship being over. She got cold and distant from that point on. I then heard she told people that I was being “vile” with flirting. If I remember correctly, it was she who mentioned pulling her hair and taking her from behind and that was said in front of illy and we laughed. That’s for context only BTW.
As far as mocking her spirituality, Dee Dee has always professed her love for God, I just found her character to be questionable, and realized she had been manipulating situations, not her ability to have a relationship with God. As far as her relationship with Christine or any of this money business, I have no knowledge personally. She’s never “purposefully” asked me for anything.