Dudes taking a shower

I'm still only a few months into taking E but my body seems eager to grow tits. Thing is, the rest of me needs time to catch up or I'm literally going to look like a dude got breast implants by August. Also it's just starting to hit triple digits here and the sports bra I'm using is just too heavy for this sort of heat.
Do you have a favorite bra for those extra hot days? Is it a different type of bra? Just a particularly breathable fabric? Do they make bras from that same incredibly soft bamboo fiber they make those really expensive self cooling pillow cases from?

I have a friend named Sophie who works for an airline and I to also worked for an airline. We had been working together in the aviation industry for about 7-8 years and have been pretty close up until I got my new job which is in the tech industry.
To simplify it, the new job I had got in March pays almost x3 of what we make at our positions at an airline, and Sophie knows this because her sister works in the same industry and I am assuming disclosed that to Sophie because she never asked me how much my new job pays, she just started assuming I would pay for everything going out. It got to the point where she would call me her "sugar mama" and how she can't wait for me to shower her in gifts. At this point I couldn't tell if this was just her way of being happy for my new job or just being selfish.
Since my position in the aviation industry was very close to minimum wage I had racked up some debt and now with my new position want to take the time to try to pay of this debt asap. I had explained that to Sophie but she pretty much had just brushed it aside and said "you'll have $15K paid off in no time with that new job of yours and soon well be going to Italy together and 'we' Weill be able to treat 'ourselves' to the fancy places now" and comments like that told me, she just wants me to pay for everything.
We had been friends for 7 years prior to this both working minimum wage positions at the airport and always had worked together to find cheap or free events to go to, window shopping, not overpriced places to eat, the whole goal was so we could enjoy ourselves without the guilt of spending too much.
Now, when Sophie asks to hang out, she plans this whole extravagant outing where will have to uber, pay for cover, go out to eat, she wants bottle service, space to dance so a VIP section, a place to sleep. When I tell her I will have to decline because I can't be going out and spending a bunch of money on an outing that would cost hundreds of dollars, she gets offended, leaves me on read, doesn't answer my phone calls, won't talk to me, until the next birthday or event comes up and she does this whole extravagant planning again to which ill kindly decline because I would remind her Im trying to pay off my debts and can't afford to be going out like that.
It got to the point where she had vocalized it is "unfair". She claims because she's constantly flying everywhere and is only in the city a couple days of the month that "we should take advance of the time and go out". I tell her she's more than welcome to come over, make food at my house, drink here, but im not paying to go out when it's going to cost a lot of money. She has made comments like "well your life is easier and more affordable now, going out once and a while isn't going to kill you" " you need to get out and live" I have shot all these comments down by re-enforcing boundaries and telling her I just can't afford it. We are now at the stage where she doesn't even bother anymore. She hasn't answered my message or phone calls in weeks. To be honest I feel used, I dont really know how you can be friends with someone for so long and the point that makes you want to drop it all is because they won't spend money on you. I just want to understand her perspective, but anytime I had asked, she claims she is just trying to live her best life and that Im not. I never in my life thought money would get in-between me and a long time friend but here we are. She used to come over all the time, wed meet down town just to hang out, but now, if I don't pick her up for the airport, her boyfriends house, her moms house in a different province, then she just stops responding.
Not sure if this is a common thing, but curious to know if it is or isn't since I have expressed my concern for this to others and no one has really given me a straight answer.

I’m really happy cuz i’ve been worried that although i pass (99% of the time) i felt as if people could still clock that i was trans. I live in a pretty progressive area and have convinced myself that ppl can tell i’m trans. i knew deep down this wasn’t true but getting confirmation was very affirming.
today i was taking to this guy and he mentioned that facial hair is actually a sign of excess testosterone (personally i knew this …. is not true but i ran with it bc his tone sounded joking). one of my other friends (who knows i’m trans) said “bro u have too much testosterone!!!” - bc i have a bit of a beard
and then the dude chimed in and said “bros got so much test he’s growing a third testacle. stop hogging all the testicles. give some to someone who needs it. like a trans dude or smth”
my friend who knew i was trans looked at me and smiled and ran with it (which was epic) and they said “yeah u gotta give out ur excess balls to ppl that need it”
it was a funny and affirming experience and also the way he said it i kinda just knew that he didn’t clock me. glad to know that i fully pass and it’s not just ppl using hehim for me bc they clock me and are also supportive lol

TRIGGER WARNING- SA, etc.
It's a very very long story and there's more that I could go on about but- My parents had me young, mom (19), bio dad (21). They separated when I was around 3 or 4 y/o and that's when my dad (19) (that later adopted me) came into my life. When he went to adopt me at about 7 y/o, before sibling 1 was born, they needed bio dad to release his rights; he agreed on one condition from my mom, 'Don't talk to my family anymore, I will handle it'. So he signed, with the additional agreement that he would not have to pay child support, dad adopted me. I ended up with 1 little sibling and I wanted nothing to do with bio dad at this point, he was already out of my life since the adoption. At around 12 years old, my parents started their divorce, moms second divorce. This divorce was completely different. At first, I hated my (adopted) dad but then again, he used to work 3 jobs to support us, only had 1 day off and used it as a "cleaning day" (which I later appreciated as an adult because I had SEVERE allergies, but in the moment I was just like wtf man fr?) From 13 y/o to about 15 y/o my moms at the time bf was sexually abusing me, forcing me to "cuddle" on the couch, he would pretend to fall asleep (in 5 seconds) and touch my non existent boobs and coochie while grinding his boner against my butt until he had enough. I would lay there silently crying until he actually fell asleep, slowly crawl away, and be up the whole rest of the school night, in shock, crying, cutting myself, and writing very depressing poems. He would break open the bathroom door while I was bathing and would try to peep at me in the tub. I'd cover myself under the bubble bath for HOURS until I had no bubbles and the water was cold. I then tried hurting myself even worse but sibling walked in on me. I broke down and thought if I do this, this dude is going to go for my sibling so I'll just take whatever it is to protect them. So I did. I dealt with all the things plus him walking in on me SERVERAL times in my bedroom each time after I'd have a bath/shower (no lock on the door). This guy also apparently would hit, strangle, and rape my mom. I came to find out that he had a record too, he and his brother abducted a 17 y/o or 18 y/o girl, took her to a trap house, raped her in a bathroom with a pole-blood in the tub, sink, toilet, floor, etc. He also was busted because he put a garbage bag over another man's head and lit it on fire-because the man was black. (Dude ended up being dishonorably discharged later on btw) Eventually, she got rid of him, dated a bit, and settled with a new bf, my now step dad of over 10 years. At this point, I was 16 y/o, had a GREAT relationship with (adopted) dad (not so much my mom), and became curious about my bio dad-where I came from, family customs/traditions, similarities/differences, interests, the other half of who I am. I found him on social media, reached out but didn't get a response for 2-3 weeks. Shortly after us chatting, I went to see him (adopted dad and sibling 1 came with). I had 2 more siblings from bio dad, they were a decade or so younger than me, and sibling 3 didn't resemble me much but did with sibling 2 BUT sibling 2 looked so much like me at that age, weird. A short time later, there was a family event by bio dad, I was invited but had no way to get there (about a 6 hour drive from where I was at the time) so his sistemy aunt said she'd take me. She picked me up and I was to spend the night at her house (with my 2 cousins) then we would travel in the morning. I was so excited because I vaguely remember cousin 1 from childhood, apparently we were super close growing up together, I was eager to reconnect and bond with my cousins. When spending the night, cousin 2 went to sleep early (a bit younger than cousin 1 and I), so cousin 1 and I were talking for hours, it was great being able to reconnect/re-establish our relationship...until he kissed me, threw himself on me, tried getting me to touch him as he started to touch me. I said stop wtf what are you doing we are FIRST cousins!! He chuckled and said "We are but we're not" ... "wtf are you talking about?" ... "I'm not supposed to say but your dad had a DNA test done during tour parents divorce and told all of us your mom cheated on him, you're not ACTUALLY his acoording to the test" ... so at this point, I'm disgusted, have so many questions, confused, am in a house of 'family' that I don't know/don't believe that I am family-I went to sleep. Next day we traveled to see bio dad and after the event I asked him and step mom about it and also mentioned that because of this cousin 1 tried "xyz". Bio dad's response to the DNA-"Your mother had the DNA test done and it said I was not your bio father, she probably lied/gave me a fake test so I would stay out of your life." I went to my mom and questioned her, she said "Absolutely not, you know your (adopted) father and I don't talk so you can even ask him to verify that I'm not lying. I have no idea about anything that has to do with a DNA test, we never had one as he (bio das) was my first and we got married then I was prengant with you about 3-4 months after getting married." I asked (adopted) dad and his story lined up perfectly with my mom's. So bio dad lied to me and his entire side of the family to save face. He lied to all of them because his agreement of giving up his rights to me and not having to pay child support would not have been supported by his side of the family so he told them I wasn't his and supposedly provided a (fake) test so they'd get off his back about it. My grandfather from him said he saw the test-but there was no test! Beyond fucked up man...but whatever. I still wanted a connection. I wanted to leave the bullshit in the past and move forward right? So, fast forward a bit, I was in a 3 year (3 out of 3.5 year) relationship with a TRUE P.O.S. bf that was physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. We lived together for 3 years out of our 3.5 year relationship. He was addicted to porn, would call me a bitch every single day amoung other things, ended up raping me and thought it was funny, would hit, kick, choke me (not in the good way), and push me off the bed but then say "You think I want to be like this?! You think I want to do this to you?! Hurt you?! You're making me do it, it's your fault because you have issues." I wasn't "allowed" to talk to my guy friends because they're guys (and I didn't have many girl friends at all), especially my best guy friend that I grew up with and had known since 3 y/o. Bf would isolate me from my families even. At work, I only would talk to my guy friends/male co-workers if bf wasn't there otherwise he would ignore me the whole shift and be brutal when we got home (yeah, we also worked together for a bit over 3 years). I then found out that bf went on the dark web and watched a man kidnap someone, rape her, murder her, and proceed to rape her corpse...my bf was getting off on it! He even said he went back on the next night to do it again but site was blocked. FUCKING PSYCHOTIC. I could go on and on about his craziness. I was his 3rd virgin btw and at work we had a "work daughter" (was so close to that girl, she was 3 years younger than me, 5 years younger than bf and I used to go to her (when bf didnt have same shift as me) crying and telling her everything that would happen with him, so she knew all the shit he did). I was scared he was going to kill me one day, I was scared to stay, scared to leave, all the stupid things and all I wanted was consistent love. We did end up breaking up a few months after I turned 21, he ended up dating our work daughter and took her virginity too! He also did all the shit to her as he did to me! I felt bad for her at first but then thought no you dumb fuck, you knew EVERYTHING you were getting into smh. Anyway, I went to a family event for bio dad, bf was working, they wanted to meet him; we set up lunch for the following day. Bio dad said he was going to give bf the "talk" yk...with the shot gun type of talk. I said I don't feel comfortable with that because firstly, it's not his place, I have my dad (adopted), secondly, bio dad even agreed that we more so have a friend relationship at this point, and third, I've already been with bf for 3 years so it's not appropriate. He got REALLY salty the morning of the meet. We were coordinating plans and everything when he said along the lines, "We haven't seen you in person for almost 2 years now yet you always have time to go out...etc.etc." I responded, "The two times that you have seen me post that I was out, I was across the street from work. I went there for about 2 hours both times with bf and co-workers. I cannot drive 6-8 hours to you and 6-8 hours back in the same day. I work two full time jobs and am going to college online full-time. I'm sorry that I'm making you feel this way or that I've been distant but I try talking and seeing you all (on Skype and such) as much as I can. I don't know what else you want me to do or say at this point. That's why I'm excited for this meet up today. You also could have put in the effort to come out this way these last two years to visit me as well, but again, I'm sorry. I hope you all aren't mad at me, I'm really trying here." He then tells me "I'm going to have to cancel lunch today. I don't think meeting today is a good idea. Now I'm going to have to tell your (LITTLE) siblings that you don't want to see them today since you never have time for us and have basically disappeared from our lives these last 2 years." Aaaaand that's when I ✨️lost✨️ my shit and popped off 🙃 "ME?! I'm the one that disappeared?!?! How fucking dare you say that. How fucking dare you try to do that to them and me. YOU disappeared from MY life at 4 years old, LIED to the entire family (they still questioned if I'm "there's" or not, even had received the comment "Even though you're not ours, your ours because we've known you since a baby" and only 1 of bio dad's parents is still somewhat in touch with me to this day btw) I didn't see YOU for 12 YEARS of my life! I reached out to YOU, I have been the only one making an effort to keep the line of communication open and going and even after all of that plus my explaining that I work TWO full-time jobs plus full-time school, you still have the nerve and audacity to make me the bad guy and say I'm the one not trying here?! YOU are going to continue to LIE and tell MY siblings that I don't want to see them when that couldn't be further from the truth?! I'm going to tell you this ONCE, YOU blew your first chance of staying in my life when I was a child, now you're blowing it a SECOND time with me as an adult; there WILL NOT be a third time. I WILL NOT subject myself to this nor do I need your added stress. I WILL NOT allow you to do this to me EVER again. If my siblings or even step mom (or that side of the family) want to be in contact with me-I will gladly accept that but YOU are DEAD to me. Don't talk to me, don't contact me, I want NOTHING to do with YOU anymore, sperm donor." ... no response ...every couple of years after that I got a "happy birthday" or "merry christmas" here and there but I never responded. It's been a few years with no interaction from him. I just miss my siblings. I got so attached to them and I miss them, I tried staying in contact through video chats but they were still fairly young at that point so it was difficult plus having him or step mom in the background sometimes was awkward. They're now getting a bit older, sibling 2 is turning 18, sibling 3 will be 16. We have each other on social media but don't talk and very very VERY rarely interact with likes on posts. I'm afraid to make the first move, I don't want to push anything, I don't know what bio dad has been feeding into their brains about me, etc. My relationship with them will NEVER be as close as with my almost 21 y/o sibling 1 from (adopted) dad, which I can accept, I absolutely love my sibling 1 that I grew up with like nothing and no one else; I practically raised him tbh. But I do think about the other 2 siblings, I miss them, I just don't know if I should respect unspoken boundaries or make the first move? What do you think? And lmk if you want more of these batshit crazy stories that I've went through (tbh I'm probably going to post another seeking advice on another subject). ✌🏻

TRIGGER WARNING- SA, etc.
It's a very very long story and there's more that I could go on about but- My parents had me young, mom (19), bio dad (21). They separated when I was around 3 or 4 y/o and that's when my dad (19) (that later adopted me) came into my life. When he went to adopt me at about 7 y/o, before sibling 1 was born, they needed bio dad to release his rights; he agreed on one condition from my mom, 'Don't talk to my family anymore, I will handle it'. So he signed, with the additional agreement that he would not have to pay child support, dad adopted me. I ended up with 1 little sibling and I wanted nothing to do with bio dad at this point, he was already out of my life since the adoption. At around 12 years old, my parents started their divorce, moms second divorce. This divorce was completely different. At first, I hated my (adopted) dad but then again, he used to work 3 jobs to support us, only had 1 day off and used it as a "cleaning day" (which I later appreciated as an adult because I had SEVERE allergies, but in the moment I was just like wtf man fr?) From 13 y/o to about 15 y/o my moms at the time bf was sexually abusing me, forcing me to "cuddle" on the couch, he would pretend to fall asleep (in 5 seconds) and touch my non existent boobs and coochie while grinding his boner against my butt until he had enough. I would lay there silently crying until he actually fell asleep, slowly crawl away, and be up the whole rest of the school night, in shock, crying, cutting myself, and writing very depressing poems. He would break open the bathroom door while I was bathing and would try to peep at me in the tub. I'd cover myself under the bubble bath for HOURS until I had no bubbles and the water was cold. I then tried hurting myself even worse but sibling walked in on me. I broke down and thought if I do this, this dude is going to go for my sibling so I'll just take whatever it is to protect them. So I did. I dealt with all the things plus him walking in on me SERVERAL times in my bedroom each time after I'd have a bath/shower (no lock on the door). This guy also apparently would hit, strangle, and rape my mom. I came to find out that he had a record too, he and his brother abducted a 17 y/o or 18 y/o girl, took her to a trap house, raped her in a bathroom with a pole-blood in the tub, sink, toilet, floor, etc. He also was busted because he put a garbage bag over another man's head and lit it on fire-because the man was black. (Dude ended up being dishonorably discharged later on btw) Eventually, she got rid of him, dated a bit, and settled with a new bf, my now step dad of over 10 years. At this point, I was 16 y/o, had a GREAT relationship with (adopted) dad (not so much my mom), and became curious about my bio dad-where I came from, family customs/traditions, similarities/differences, interests, the other half of who I am. I found him on social media, reached out but didn't get a response for 2-3 weeks. Shortly after us chatting, I went to see him (adopted dad and sibling 1 came with). I had 2 more siblings from bio dad, they were a decade or so younger than me, and sibling 3 didn't resemble me much but did with sibling 2 BUT sibling 2 looked so much like me at that age, weird. A short time later, there was a family event by bio dad, I was invited but had no way to get there (about a 6 hour drive from where I was at the time) so his sistemy aunt said she'd take me. She picked me up and I was to spend the night at her house (with my 2 cousins) then we would travel in the morning. I was so excited because I vaguely remember cousin 1 from childhood, apparently we were super close growing up together, I was eager to reconnect and bond with my cousins. When spending the night, cousin 2 went to sleep early (a bit younger than cousin 1 and I), so cousin 1 and I were talking for hours, it was great being able to reconnect/re-establish our relationship...until he kissed me, threw himself on me, tried getting me to touch him as he started to touch me. I said stop wtf what are you doing we are FIRST cousins!! He chuckled and said "We are but we're not" ... "wtf are you talking about?" ... "I'm not supposed to say but your dad had a DNA test done during tour parents divorce and told all of us your mom cheated on him, you're not ACTUALLY his acoording to the test" ... so at this point, I'm disgusted, have so many questions, confused, am in a house of 'family' that I don't know/don't believe that I am family-I went to sleep. Next day we traveled to see bio dad and after the event I asked him and step mom about it and also mentioned that because of this cousin 1 tried "xyz". Bio dad's response to the DNA-"Your mother had the DNA test done and it said I was not your bio father, she probably lied/gave me a fake test so I would stay out of your life." I went to my mom and questioned her, she said "Absolutely not, you know your (adopted) father and I don't talk so you can even ask him to verify that I'm not lying. I have no idea about anything that has to do with a DNA test, we never had one as he (bio das) was my first and we got married then I was prengant with you about 3-4 months after getting married." I asked (adopted) dad and his story lined up perfectly with my mom's. So bio dad lied to me and his entire side of the family to save face. He lied to all of them because his agreement of giving up his rights to me and not having to pay child support would not have been supported by his side of the family so he told them I wasn't his and supposedly provided a (fake) test so they'd get off his back about it. My grandfather from him said he saw the test-but there was no test! Beyond fucked up man...but whatever. I still wanted a connection. I wanted to leave the bullshit in the past and move forward right? So, fast forward a bit, I was in a 3 year (3 out of 3.5 year) relationship with a TRUE P.O.S. bf that was physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. We lived together for 3 years out of our 3.5 year relationship. He was addicted to porn, would call me a bitch every single day amoung other things, ended up raping me and thought it was funny, would hit, kick, choke me (not in the good way), and push me off the bed but then say "You think I want to be like this?! You think I want to do this to you?! Hurt you?! You're making me do it, it's your fault because you have issues." I wasn't "allowed" to talk to my guy friends because they're guys (and I didn't have many girl friends at all), especially my best guy friend that I grew up with and had known since 3 y/o. Bf would isolate me from my families even. At work, I only would talk to my guy friends/male co-workers if bf wasn't there otherwise he would ignore me the whole shift and be brutal when we got home (yeah, we also worked together for a bit over 3 years). I then found out that bf went on the dark web and watched a man kidnap someone, rape her, murder her, and proceed to rape her corpse...my bf was getting off on it! He even said he went back on the next night to do it again but site was blocked. FUCKING PSYCHOTIC. I could go on and on about his craziness. I was his 3rd virgin btw and at work we had a "work daughter" (was so close to that girl, she was 3 years younger than me, 5 years younger than bf and I used to go to her (when bf didnt have same shift as me) crying and telling her everything that would happen with him, so she knew all the shit he did). I was scared he was going to kill me one day, I was scared to stay, scared to leave, all the stupid things and all I wanted was consistent love. We did end up breaking up a few months after I turned 21, he ended up dating our work daughter and took her virginity too! He also did all the shit to her as he did to me! I felt bad for her at first but then thought no you dumb fuck, you knew EVERYTHING you were getting into smh. Anyway, I went to a family event for bio dad, bf was working, they wanted to meet him; we set up lunch for the following day. Bio dad said he was going to give bf the "talk" yk...with the shot gun type of talk. I said I don't feel comfortable with that because firstly, it's not his place, I have my dad (adopted), secondly, bio dad even agreed that we more so have a friend relationship at this point, and third, I've already been with bf for 3 years so it's not appropriate. He got REALLY salty the morning of the meet. We were coordinating plans and everything when he said along the lines, "We haven't seen you in person for almost 2 years now yet you always have time to go out...etc.etc." I responded, "The two times that you have seen me post that I was out, I was across the street from work. I went there for about 2 hours both times with bf and co-workers. I cannot drive 6-8 hours to you and 6-8 hours back in the same day. I work two full time jobs and am going to college online full-time. I'm sorry that I'm making you feel this way or that I've been distant but I try talking and seeing you all (on Skype and such) as much as I can. I don't know what else you want me to do or say at this point. That's why I'm excited for this meet up today. You also could have put in the effort to come out this way these last two years to visit me as well, but again, I'm sorry. I hope you all aren't mad at me, I'm really trying here." He then tells me "I'm going to have to cancel lunch today. I don't think meeting today is a good idea. Now I'm going to have to tell your (LITTLE) siblings that you don't want to see them today since you never have time for us and have basically disappeared from our lives these last 2 years." Aaaaand that's when I ✨️lost✨️ my shit and popped off 🙃 "ME?! I'm the one that disappeared?!?! How fucking dare you say that. How fucking dare you try to do that to them and me. YOU disappeared from MY life at 4 years old, LIED to the entire family (they still questioned if I'm "there's" or not, even had received the comment "Even though you're not ours, your ours because we've known you since a baby" and only 1 of bio dad's parents is still somewhat in touch with me to this day btw) I didn't see YOU for 12 YEARS of my life! I reached out to YOU, I have been the only one making an effort to keep the line of communication open and going and even after all of that plus my explaining that I work TWO full-time jobs plus full-time school, you still have the nerve and audacity to make me the bad guy and say I'm the one not trying here?! YOU are going to continue to LIE and tell MY siblings that I don't want to see them when that couldn't be further from the truth?! I'm going to tell you this ONCE, YOU blew your first chance of staying in my life when I was a child, now you're blowing it a SECOND time with me as an adult; there WILL NOT be a third time. I WILL NOT subject myself to this nor do I need your added stress. I WILL NOT allow you to do this to me EVER again. If my siblings or even step mom (or that side of the family) want to be in contact with me-I will gladly accept that but YOU are DEAD to me. Don't talk to me, don't contact me, I want NOTHING to do with YOU anymore, sperm donor." ... no response ...every couple of years after that I got a "happy birthday" or "merry christmas" here and there but I never responded. It's been a few years with no interaction from him. I just miss my siblings. I got so attached to them and I miss them, I tried staying in contact through video chats but they were still fairly young at that point so it was difficult plus having him or step mom in the background sometimes was awkward. They're now getting a bit older, sibling 2 is turning 18, sibling 3 will be 16. We have each other on social media but don't talk and very very VERY rarely interact with likes on posts. I'm afraid to make the first move, I don't want to push anything, I don't know what bio dad has been feeding into their brains about me, etc. My relationship with them will NEVER be as close as with my almost 21 y/o sibling 1 from (adopted) dad, which I can accept, I absolutely love my sibling 1 that I grew up with like nothing and no one else; I practically raised him tbh. But I do think about the other 2 siblings, I miss them, I just don't know if I should respect unspoken boundaries or make the first move? What do you think? And lmk if you want more of these batshit crazy stories that I've went through (tbh I'm probably going to post another seeking advice on another subject). ✌🏻

I already made the first post regarding episode 1 and 2, here are the links, if you are interested:
https://www.reddit.com/PolinBridgerton/comments/1d8p07y/analysing_thematic_imagery_of_season_3_episode_1/
https://www.reddit.com/PolinBridgerton/comments/1daa5se/analysing_thematic_imagery_of_season_3_episode_2/
Same note as before: I do not claim all of these thoughts as originals of mine, I am not taking credit for noticing what others already noticed, and feel free to credit those who were first in comments. Also feel free to comment what you see and I do not! Or challenge me or mine.
I shall do my best to deliver analysis of the fourth episode before part 2 drops.
General imagery of the season so far (feel free to skip if you read the last post or posts):
The main thematic imagery of this season is reflection; how characters are perceived by others and how they deal with those perceptions. It ties to both leads, who were given roles by society which they must fight from time to time, and how society’s perception of them changes and controls them. Mirror imagery was important throughout the previous season not only for Pen and Colin, however in this season in particular, mirror imagery appears very often, and I expected it to continue (ehem ehem).
Tied closely to reflection imagery, we see the dichotomy of light and shadows. This dichotomy is alluded to by titles of 3 episodes of the whole season; and through this dichotomy, social roles and expectations are established. Colin is in the light, showered by compliments from members of the Ton, while Pen is forced to be in the shadows. She uses the shadows as LW to her advantage, while Colin uses his power within the light to his advantage.
The general idea is that Pen needs to decide whether she wants to stay in the shadows, which might be easier, or whether she is willing to take a risk by stepping into the light. Other characters are also haunted by their reflections. I shall dive into it in each episode.
Episode 3: Forces of Nature
While the second episode heavilly relied on the dichotomy of the day and the night to showcase masculine and feminine power, the third episode features dichotomy of nature and humanity. I have very briefly touched upon it in previous analysis regarding the promenade, when Pen asks whether she can learn to flirt through books and the moment was juxtaposed with the nature behind our leads.
It is not a new dichotomy for the show. We can for example remember the ending of episode 6 from previous season ("Animals require no contracts or dowries. The hen and a rooster make no vows. Leave it to people to complicate matters with their ceremonies and their cakes.").
The nature represents the attraction and longing, while the humanity represents either obstacles in following our desires, or simply a rationale to be "sensible" instead. Lady Whistledown acknowledges that people can somewhat triumph ("Humankind has accomplished extraordinary feats in its attempt to compete against nature."), but the episodes concludes that not only will the nature win in the end, the battle does not even include the nature, but the people who fight themselves. Basically concluding that there are no winners.
"All of man's greatest inventions are nothing more than a distraction from which is most natural to us. Our instincts. The innate animal impulse that is inside even the most sophisticated of us. For all is said and done, our nature will always win out."
Both Penelope and Colin fail to fight their own feelings in this episode.
While the natural forces refer to inner desires, we might focus on the literal natural forces which symbolize them: the Featherington garden (aka the place of crime), and the fire; the most featured in this episode, though, is the wind. The natural force which ensured the first meeting of our leads and (at least according to the books and trailer for part 2), caused Penelope to fall for Colin, as he (literally) fell from his horse.
I shall get to it more later. Let's go again scene by scene.
Third episode begins with Colin's dream. Dreams are of course heavilly linked with both Colin, Pen and their desires. Ironically, Colin's dream represents his waking up Marina alluded to in the last season ("You are a boy, caught up in his own fantasies... You need to wake up, Colin!").
While Penelope stopped dreaming and gave up on her "fantasy" after Colin's comment in the end of season 2 ("I would never dream of courting Penelope Featherington, not in your wildest fantasies."), Colin is awaken at the same place, in a cheeky way, by his dream.
The Featherington garden represents crucial moments of their relationship so far. Firstly, it was the place where he broke her heart by his statement, and sparked her intention to marry. Secondly, of course, it was the place where they came to their agreement, with her agreeing to move from him by accepting his help, while he put himself in a vulnerable position to face feelings he did not acknowledge before. Thirdly, it is the place where he was forced to face his feelings VERY directly by agreeing to kiss her.
Colin's subcontious wants to "repair" the moment. It is cheeky for Colin to apologize for the late hour, which might have been appropriate for their last meeting, as well.
Fans have had a lot of fun dissecting Colin's psyche, as Colin's dream features basically every cliché of a raunchy romance novel, which is, of course, very intentional. The first shot features the fire burning, symbolizing Colin's realized feelings. The fog might either allude to the mystery whether Colin's love is requited, or to form a "protection from the gazes of others".
This episode offers a lot storytelling through clothing with Colin especially, and I shall dive to each of his looks. Generally speaking, Colin trades vulnerability for his armor repeatedly in the first half of the episode, culminating in his Innovations Ball look, which I find the most vulnerable.
Colin in his dream is dressed similarly as he was in the end of episode 2, however, his neck is now bare, alluding to his vulnerability. Pen's neckline is lower, her loose hair as well as the fit of the gown make it seem like she is in her nightgown. Still, it is very respectable look for a wet dream, likely to showcase and hammer that Colin did not found vulnerability anew, not sexual desire.
I find it interesting that the shot does not start with Colin walking into the frame, who is the one dreaming, but with Penelope. Perhaps the intention was to try to mess with fans and give them the impression it is Pen who dreams. Colin does not get confirmation of her feelings until he admits his. Again, Colin is the vulnerable this time, not Penelope. The scene focuses much more on her pleasure than his, either to again fool the audience, or again, to sell the difference.
As Colin wakes up, we get more visual clues in the globe and the map, likely alluding to his travelling experience, which are connected to his sexuality. The other is, of course, that his blanket is yellow, a color tied to Pen (resembling the shal Violet has in the portrait, again to sell the paraller of the couples, even before Violet states it to the audience at the end of this episode). He looks to the window, which might allude to him trying to find her, as she lives accross the street, which he likely did for the first time in last episode, or trying to find the light, representing a) his social role as a popular charming rake, and b) his masculine power.
Gregory's injury might thematically tie to multiple things. Gregory was established as a cupid, who pierces Colin's heart, and who now can't do so, meaning that Colin is trapped. Gregory can also represent Colin himself as he can't even properly eat with his injury, which was something Colin also mentioned of not being able to do so. We know that Gregory falls injures the hand before he has a chance to see the balloon, which might foreshadow the ending of the episode, when Colin tries to find the answer, only to not get it and be hurt.
Colin comes to the drawing room in a brown vest. The color of the vest reminds me of his pirate coat, and I wonder whether it is basically his "casual armor", the one he wears around his family now, not wanting them to know of his feelings. It is also worth pointing out that when Colin walks in, he goes to his brothers who sit seperately from the sisters and the mother, almost to shocase Colin's tendency to trying to follow male squad, even the toxic one.
Our dearest prophetess Hyacinth strikes again by mentioning Penelope. It is worth noting that while Colin is distressed, he still realizes that he likely hurt Eloise by commenting on Lady Whistledown finding about their ordeal, and seems to attempt to follow her to make sure she is fine. Colin can't refer to Penelope as his or as a friend, so he opts to refers to her as the acquaintance of the whole family and sips the tea this time. Colin's drinking is a recurring gag this season, showcasing his growing attraction towards Pen.
From the Queen's and Agatha's meeting, we get an interesting gag of the male suitors being thrown. Penelope fell for Colin when he fell from the horse, which is rather cheeky to remember when the one falling this time is Debling.
Penelope leaves her room just in time for her to a) be reminded of the importance of producing an heir, b) be reminded of her reasons she intended to find a husband, hearing her sisters. I believe that it is Eloise's comment that sparks Pen's hope to find a husband once again, as she gets her blessing. Penelope knew she couldn't stay away for long, but to keep her column, not because she gained hope.
It is quite reasonable that Penelope chose to promenade after week in her room. We are left to wonder why Colin choose to do so and if he was perhaps trying to see her. However, from his expression, I do believe that he was surprised to see her. Colin is the one who follows Pen this episode, showcasing the change in the dynamic. Penelope often followed him instead in the previous episode.
Penelope's styling seems very childish, with her ribbons, hair to the side and pinkish and lilac tone of her dress, perhaps a visual way for her to distance herself from the ordeal and that kiss. Colin is wearing the style akin to previous seasons, with his armor being left home. They are children once again. The willow the meet under might symbolize innocence, protection, childhood, as it somewhat shields them from the Ton. The long distance show might allude to them suddenly feeling a gap between themselves, or perhaps a need to keep their distance after the whole ordeal.
It is cheeky that Penelope relies on her double identity when asked for a reasoning. She might have just as easily pointed out the Ton itself, instead, she uses Lady Whistledown she disparaged in the last episode. Just as Colin refered to the Pen in regards to all Bridgertons, Penelope refers to her and his family regarding the embarassment. Pen thanking Colin for his kindness is of course very funny paraller to her comment about his cruelty in episode 1; a comment which might have hurt him the same.
Debling starts the episode as the hunted "prey", not only as Cressida (and later Pen) is after him, but by himself, as he wants to find a hiding place. However, Debling of course changes into the "predator" later.
Stowell House in general does not seem particularly inviting. It either displays mirrors or the "prey" on the walls, signalling Pen's entrapment. Penelope does not hide even in her corner, where she is found by the toxic buddies.
Penelope assures her mother that Ton will likely be distracted by the new scandal. Portia of course does not know that it is Penelope herself who is Lady Whistledown, and who might have a chance to publish such a scandal, but only if Pen leaves her hideout. Pen later offers social contagion as a joke, which might be a fun way of alluding to her double identity, as she holds a bit of power regarding social assesment.
Mirror imagery is quite cheeky regarding our leads and Debling. Pen's back is seen in mirror behind her, which might signal that she is currently social outcast, still uncomfortable after the incident, or visual signal of Pen hiding her identity.
With Colin's arrival, it is Pen who looks at him first, just when he looks at Eloise. Colin notices and continues to look, while Pen looks away and hides as a "prey". Colin turns away and we see a glimpse of him in the mirror. Pen fell first, but he fell harder. Colin flees the mirror, as he will continue to do so in this episode, following her.
Debling does not mind the mirror at all (something he seems to share with Agatha and Benedict) and as Pen becomes more comfortable, the mirror seems to dissapear from the shot. It is worth pointing out that both Colin and Debling have waistcoats with yellow ornaments, alluding to both of them being interested in Pen.
Colin is accompanied by the candles both when Eloise mentions Penelope, as well as when he is "assessing his pupil", alluding to his growing love. I do not think it was unintentional to have Alice mention his "kindheartedness", after Penelope thanks him for his "kindness". Not only do both mention the possibility of a different suitor, they also use similar language when speaking of Colin's role in it, rubbing the idea deeper.
Even more cheeky is that Alice does not refer to Penelope by name, only as a pupil, while Colin comments on it as "gossip" finding their home. Colin refers to Whistledown when asked about Penelope; while Pen is, of course, both subject of the gossip as well as its source as lady Whistledown.
Eloise'a and Cressida's scene alludes to Eloise walking to the crossroads and choosing a path she might regret. Eloise does not help Cressida much, but it is enough for her to easily win over Pen at first.
Finally, we get likely the most in face reference of the episode: Hawkins Balloon, with its blue and yellow stripes. It likely symbolizes our leads, with Colin seeing the balloon (aka embracing the opportunity of them becoming a couple), while Pen ignores it in favour of Debling.
Colin arrives in his armor, aka with his pirate coat firmly on. But his defence crumble rather quickly. He follows Penelope immedietely. At first, he follows her instruction to focus on sweets, but more and more into the scene, he just begins to look at Pen, the only exception is when Pen compliments Debling, as he feels a need to hide his feelings.
Colin loses his battle while seeing Pen eating the cake. The cake symbolized sex even back in 102, when Pen asks Marina how did she become pregnant. What is striking, though, that the next time Colin is shown on screen, he took off his coat and seems to finish Penelope's cake. Colin lets his armor down, just before his heroic moment.
The balloon is representation of a human attempt to "triumph" over the nature, to "conquer the wind". Funnily, as Colin with the help of his squad protects the balloon and wins over the wind, he loses his own battle against it internally, as the wind represents his desire for Penelope. Colin finds courage and allows himself to be vulnerable (by leaving the pirate coat, his armor, behind in the arms of one of his toxic buddies), only for him to find Penelope in Debling's embrace. Eloise and Cressida's remarks might be quite cruel foreshadowing for the later events. "It is good thing no one was injured." "Who says I wasn't?"
The distress of Colin at Innovations Ball is implied with his darker waistcoat, bare neck and him adjusting his jacket. Colin attempts his best to smile for Eloise, but it is a rather unsuccesful attempt. If I dare say, Colin seems like he is attending funeral. His question whether a man can be pensive is rather interesting, not only as it is pun on Penelope's name, but as Colin asks basically if he can be himself.
Penelope and Portia ignore the lamp, the sorce of fire and light, which I would argue, represents the love between Pen and Colin.
Benedict refers to Francesca as "his shield" from the debutantes, and we see Benedict succeeding in fleeing the debutantes with the sister by his side. Eloise, on the other hand, leaves Colin to them, leaving him "unprotected". This is hammered with Violet, who without the children by her side, becomes the target of Marcus. It is no wonder Francesca finds her man when she is allowed to return to her familiar shadows, with fireplace representing love, passion and desire once again. Benedict, too, fails to "battle the nature", as he finds himself in the embrace of his newest partner, after he meets her at the staircase, with her looking down on him.
As the debutantes ask Colin if he is as heroic on the dancefloor, Colin moves his head instead of answering, while we get the shot of Pen holding her own dancecard. It is quite clear. Colin is losing his chance.
While Penelope's and Cressida's race is for comedic effect, it showcases that a lot of times, women fight over guys they might even want, just because they fear someone else will snatch them. While Cressida is pressured to be married, no one points out that she almost married Jack last season, someone who turned out to be a schemer. Daphne won her own "race", only to end up with Simon. Cressida fails to gain Colin's attention in season 1 and 2 mostly due to her treatment of Penelope and Daphne.
Penelope finds herself on the crossroads between Colin and Debling. She chooses to look at Colin, showcasing to the audience that Pen is romantic at heart. While Colin answers the question of debutantes, he is in fact encouraging himself, but as he can't help but look at her, she takes it as his confirmation of wishing her good luck as a mentor. Just as Pen unknowingly let Colin down in willow scene with her words, Colin just done the same. Cheekily, Debling asks whether Pen has trouble with the balloon, while she answers "not at present". As she gave up on Colin in that instance.
Penelope herself pretends to love nature to secure herself a naturalist, ignoring her own desire to be with Colin. Ironically, she secures the naturalist by openly stating she does not really care about nature, when she cares about what nature represents in this episode. Debling giving Pen lemonade ties narratively to Pen leaving the lemonade at the table during the Full-Moon ball, as well as her leaving it at drawing scene with Colin.
I believe that Debling caught on Colin's feelings at this instant. The reason I believe so is that Pen's dance card was still blank and Pen gave Colin time to react. Debling did not ask Penelope for dance beforehand, and she hoped that Colin would speak... which is something Colin might have realized once Penelope gives Debling his hand and dance card is visible to him.

Okay, so I’m a woman, and when I shower I double cleanse first with a bar of soap, and then I go in with the sensitive, Dr bronners liquid Castile soap, and then I go in with my vaginal wash, my usual body wash by dove and a body scrub also by dove. My quickest showers are 15-20 minutes long but usually more to around 25-30 minute showers. It’s not like I’m in and out in under 5 minutes
If I shower the night before, and wake up, I smell…so bad. Especially down there. It smells like onions and socks. And all I did was go to bed. I don’t even think I sweat an excessive amount, I feel it’s a pretty normal amount. I also have an AC on, and fan…and ceiling fan, so…it’s not like I’m frying at night. Even in the winter this happens.
Anyway…I’m talking to this new guy and it’s getting to the point where we’d like to be intimate but I don’t want to bc of this issue.
No STDs and no STIs or yeast/BV infection issues

24m white 210lbs generalized anxiety disorder and asthma. no meds.
4 days ago I noticed a pain when taking a shower on the bottom right part of my belly, and it felt like the muscle was hurting. it hurt to press there. the 2nd day it was near my belly button and again it felt like the muscles. the 3rd day it was near my belly button and both the right and left lower part of my stomach.i dont get consistent pain pressing on parts of my stomach now. yesterday I had some loose stools and had to go to the bathroom 3 times. today it's just very mild intermittent pain (1-3/10) like it has been the last few days and it affects random spots on my lower stomach, 1/2 is on either side and 1/2 is around the belly button. it's brief, pinching, and cramp like. when I get pain it feels like it's in a small area and I can point exactly where it is but sometimes it's a larger area. it lasts about a second then goes away.
I did the test where you land hard on your heels, no pain. I tried the test where you raise your right leg under resistance, no pain. no consistent pain while walking. yesterday I started not feeling hungry but probably because I was scared of appendicitis but I still ate. not really feeling that hungry now but I will probably eat later. no rebound pain. I had a brief fever after eating once but it went away with no meds.no nausea. feeling a little tired but most likely from staying up late.

I started seeing a new ob/gyn a little over a month ago, an older doc that has been in his field 30+years, and I've heard nothing but great things about him. At first I absolutely loved him. My first appointment was supposed to be a general first appointment, fill out history, etc, my annual exam, and I wanted to discuss fertility issues with him. His nurse came in, asked a few basic questions, and I told her that, unfortunately dear Aunt Flo showed up a little early the night before. She said they would reschedule my exam so that we didn't risk getting abnormal results due to my period. She asked if I wanted to discuss anything specific with him since I was there. I told her about the fertility questions, and she said she'd let him know.
As soon as he came in the room he put me at ease. He just kinda flopped onto his little stool, leaned against the bed (I was in the chair since we weren't doing an exam) and talked to me so casually, like two old friends just catching up and having a conversation. I told him I had had a chemical pregnancy back in October (and a horrific experience with it with a different hospital) and my partner and I had been trying to conceive since with no luck. We wanted to explore testing to see if there was something wrong/something we could do to increase our odds. I just turned 40 in December, and my partner honestly believes he was infertile (due to personal experiences, not medical testing). We have been together almost 2 years, never used protection, and only the one chemical pregnancy in that time. We went through options, he told me to go home and discuss it with my partner and let him know what we wanted to do when I came back in two weeks for my exam.
I went back, he again was amazing, just so calming since I was nervous about the exam. I know not all docs are created equal when it comes to their gentleness. I barely felt anything. I told him we were willing to do whatever he recommended, since he was the professional. He immediately sent me down the hall for an ultrasound to check me out and scheduled a 21 day progesterone test for me and a semen analysis for my partner. I was scheduled for my follow up a couple of weeks later. During that time I realized my cycle was late. I took a home test the day before my appointment and it came up positive. I told them the next day, his nurse did a test in office to confirm, it also came up positive. He came in, made a joke about scaring my body into doing what we wanted, we laughed, and he scheduled some blood work and a follow up in a week to check my hormone levels. They called me two days later (Thursday) to tell me my progesterone levels were borderline too low, so they started me on a supplement to boost them. They also scheduled my first ultrasound for the day before my next appointment based on my hcg levels.
Sunday night I was at work and started spotting. I immediately freaked out when I saw blood, due to the chemical pregnancy in October. I notified my boss, she sent me home and told me to go get checked out. My partner and I went to the ER at a local women's and children's hospital I knew was open (and amazing). They checked my hormone levels and did an ultrasound. They told me everything looked great and put me at 5w2d, explained that the spotting was most likely implantation bleeding.
Thursday we had our scheduled ultrasound at a different hospital, the hospital my doctor uses. Again, the tech said everything looked great, we were right on track. According to the paperwork they placed me at 6w +/-4 days.
Friday I went in to see my doc for results. He came in, "Well, I don't have great news... I'm not trying to scare you, I just want to prepare you just in case. It may have just been too early, but there was no sign of cardiac activity during your scan.". As he walked me out of his office he patted me on the shoulder, said he was sorry, and to call them or go to the emergency room if I started bleeding or having severe pain, like he thought it was inevitable I would miscarry. He scheduled me for another ultrasound on Tuesday, as well as more blood work, and a follow up again the following Friday for those results. It was an AGONIZING 4 days waiting for that next scan. I cried so much, and kept trying to stop stressing because stress is bad for baby, but OMG. Thank God for an amazing partner and a super supportive circle. Tuesday finally gets there, my partner and I go back in for our scan. Again the tech is wonderful and tells me everything looks great. She measures at 6w1d. I tell her why we're there, she quickly (and easily) finds baby's heartbeat and shows us that it's there, beating at a steady 125.
I go back to my Dr. Friday, his nurse informed me that apparently my hormone levels weren't as great as he would have liked the week before, which was why he was concerned (but he told me they were good), but that they looked better this week, I had jumped from 1257 to 20k. He finally comes in, says, "well, it's better news this week. We have a heartbeat, and your hormones levels are in the ballpark of where they need to be, so just keep taking your meds, and keep the candles burning." (I assume a reference to Catholic faith of lighting candles for prayers.) After my appointment my partner researched levels of HCG at the different weeks. The range for 6weeks is anywhere from 1100 to 56k. I'm right in the middle of that.
I get trying to be cautious and not telling me I'm going to be fine just in case, because obviously no one knows, and I'm still early (7w tomorrow now). But DAMN dude, you added SO MUCH stress to my life last weekend and you're still acting like you're just waiting for me to lose this baby. I need more positivity in my journey, not a Negative Nancy.
Sorry for the long rant, just needed to vent. I should include that his entire staff has been nothing short of wonderful and caring though.

I dont know what to do. Started studying again for re neet. But the chances are less. Even about 2025, if i take a drop, i dont think so the system will do it fairly. N ☕ A should be dissolved dude frr

(F18)I've been struggling with an addiction to masturbation for over a year, and it's really affecting me. I've never had a relationship with a man, and I'm starting to wonder if it's because of my appearance. Every night, before I take a shower, I end up sitting on the floor and start masturbating. It's like I can't control it, and just thinking about it makes me feel awful. The worst part is that I watch weird porn videos while doing it, and afterward, I feel incredibly guilty and have dark thoughts. I'm starting to hate myself, both physically and mentally, and I can't stand looking at myself afterward. I always feel ashamed and never feel good about it. I don't know how to stop, and it's driving me crazy. There hasn't been a single evening where I haven't touched myself. Help me

A Norse-inspired fantasy, A Fate Inked in Blood gives readers a fierce shield maiden who must challenge her destiny or be the doom of all.
A Fate Inked in Blood is my introduction to Danielle Jensen, the bestselling author of The Bridge Kingdom series. And while I enjoyed the novel and am excited for the sequel, some bits were rocky.
Characterization
A Fate Inked in Blood is a story that just takes off. We’re introduced to Freya and her husband, a prick of a man who abuses the gods’ blood that runs in his veins. We see the fortitude and strength of her character and the power she holds as the prophesied shield maiden. Born with a drop of Hild’s power, she has the power of protection.
Freya’s characterization was well done, allowing the reader to get to know her inside and out. However, after her power is revealed, it seems like her characterization takes a bit of a hit. Freya wants to protect her family and her people, and the inner turmoil she faces with sacrificing control over her fate over letting others control her is compelling.
Freya is a compelling character, but the times when her character takes a hit are when she’s “lusting” over Bjorn. Don’t get me wrong, the sexual tension between the two characters was well done, especially since Jensen really focused on creating some witty banter between them, but after a point, it started to feel repetitive.
Now, for the plot, it made sense. Freya is married to his father, lusting after him and then acting on it could get everyone she loves killed, considering she is indispensable. But much of it could have been more concise, and if it had been, it probably would not have felt so repetitive.
Now, another issue I had here, I will admit, is a personal pet peeve of mine. Every time Jensen used the word “sex” in reference to her genitalia, it was cringy. There are better ways to write the sentence than by using that word. I just wanted to laugh every time I read it because it felt forced. It’s clear Jensen is trying to make the story feel medieval, but I think she accomplishes that well enough with the strong world-building. The added word made it feel forced and took me out of the story.
Final Thoughts
Overall, A Fate Inked in Blood was an excellent read. The pacing remains consistent, there is good character development as well as excellent plot development, and I was sucked in by the story and the Norse mythology. My only real hiccup is how it felt like Freya, an overall fierce and relatable woman, was denigrated at times as a woman horny for some dude.

I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for almost two years. It was a healthy relationship, or at least from my side; we never fought and I always respected his space. I prioritized communication to prevent any potential issues, and always gave him the chance to talk to me if he needed something more, so we could have worked it together during the relationship to solve any issues.. I was loyal, letting him know when I was going out and where to make him feel safe, giving him the password of my socials WITHOUT asking him the same even if he did it happily. I was loving, caring, but never NEEDY. He consistently appeared happy with me, was loving in person, and attentive in his messages even if he WAS NOT inclined towards physical displays of affection such as kissing, hugging, or cuddling. he told me he never liked physical contact in his PREVIOUS relationships, and he told me many times I was the first person he allowed to hug him or take his hand.... things he told me he never did it before. He told me he never felt love in the past and it was the first time with me.. And then, unexpectedly, after two years, he abruptly ended our relationship without ever communicating any issues or concerns along the way. However, I'll delve deeper into this aspect later on.
I started to think that he could have had an AVOIDANT ATTACHEMENT for several reasons, which I will now explain.
He had been involved in several long-term relationships in the past, all of which were consistently toxic., full of fights and drama, and this was the first healthy relationship for him. He confessed to me that he never considered the women of the past as his girlfriends, despite relationships of years or months, and claimed he had never truly loved anyone in his life. These prior relationships were characterized by a lack of affection, no gestures like kissing and hugging. Instead, they primarily revolved around sex, alcohol, and nocturnal enjoyment, with no meaningful discussions about the future. It was more of a routine to pass the weekend, engage in physical intimacy, and socialize, even though his previous partners considered him their boyfriend, he was not considering them as girlfriends.. Its also true that he has always been broke, without a job, and these women had their own house, and independence...
He mentioned that I was the first person he held hands with or allowed to hug him, he never did this in all his life. He didn't enjoy physical contact much and particularly disliked kissing, which he informed me about from the very beginning. SO yeah he was hugging me, taking my hand but kissing was very rare, if I dont start, he will never do it..
Another weird thing.. he had a very extroverted personality and would talk to everyone in the street or every place. He often said that he did this as if he was wearing a mask to show a perfect image of himself to people. However, the great contradiction was that despite being someone who talked to everyone, he didn't have any deep friendships or connections. Instead, he had many superficial, momentary acquaintances. Not a best friend, nobody to talk to a deeper level. Just people he knows and he calls them when he needs soething... same was for his family members..
He possessed a significant ego too and used to view himself as the most attractive man, admiring himself in the mirror. 24 h on 24 telling me he could cum just by looking at himself in the mirror.. He was looking himself all the time but never looked at me...
At the beginning of our relationship, he engaged in significant love bombing and appeared very happy, displaying a lot of emotion., and trying to be seductive However, he would only MEET ME ON WEEKENDS, despite he having no job or doing nothing during the week. He never tried to change this pattern or suggest anything different, as he preferred sticking to his routine to meet me in the weekend, and since he had no job, I was the one paying for our dinner or dates, clothes,,,he knew I am not rich, and he told me it was okay for him and he didnt care,
He was someone always trying to please people, the same he was doing it for me.. someone who always said yes, and never no. Whenever I asked if I could do something to improve myself or our relationship, he would always say that everything was perfect. He often told me that he was someone who kept his emotions bottled up and struggled with communication, despite my frequent efforts to encourage him to open up. Whenever I brought up topics like living together or our future, he would simply agree or mirror my words, making me feel like he was telling me what I wanted to hear, but without genuine conviction in his responses. Same for when I was telling him I love him in real life or messages, he was replying to me, but sometimes I felt he was not genuine, just mirroring my behavior because THIS is what a boyfriend should do...
Furthermore, he was someone who never talked about himself or his life, he was replying to my questions thats it. He would listen to me, but he never tried to talk about the future or express his feelings, it was always coming from my side.
From the very first day of our relationship even when sexual activity began, it was always initiated by him. There was never any initial physical affection, but rather he would tell me to go to the bedroom so we can start having sex, he was literally just pulling down his pantalon and thats it. No kisses, no hugs to start the sex just him going to the bedroom, and this since the first day of our relationship. When I attempted to engage in intimacy with him, he never let me start it and preferred looking the televison. In the sex there was not kissing, it was a more a hard violent sex, of domination and when he finished it there was absolutely no cuddling, he will go directly to take a shower or go to look himself in the mirror how handsome he is..
6 months before the end of our relationship, I changed my apartment, to be only 5 minutes close to him so we could have met more often or so some activity together, but he continued to see me only on weekends, without changing his habits.. and when I asked him to start to go to the gym together every day, he was clearly not happy of it, even if he tried to show me a sort of fake smile and telling me yeah we can do it...Everything with his was ... Yeah we can do it... but he never acted on it. I was always the one suggesting things for the future, making plans. He never talked about the future or anything else. He was simply said yes and continued meeting me only on weekends and never doing anything for me.
2-3 months before the end of the relationship, I wanted to finance with my money a project that we would undertake together, opening a business that would eventually lead us to live together and also a way for him to be economically independent. On his part, he always said Yes, also giving advices for the business. That project will have started soon and the project of living together it will have been far in the future, after 1 year. This business for obvious reason it will have never started because he dumped me before.
However, unexpectedly, after two years, he ended our relationship. He confessed that he had never truly been in love with me from the start. He admitted that while there was initial infatuation, it quickly faded after some weeks.. I was deeply shocked and asked why he had stayed with me for two years if he didn't love me. He explained that he initially tried to convince himself that he loved me because he wanted to believe it, but eventually realized he was just lying to himself. He said he realized he was not only lying to himself but also to me, he was faking to love me, and he was hurt to know he was making me waste time,, he said he stayed with me to avoid hurting me and because he lacked the courage to break my heart. The crazy thing in all of this its that he did a tatoo of my name in his body and he was the first one to tell me I love you for the first time in the relationship while he was crying... when I confronted him on all this incoherence..., how he did a tatoo, told me all the time he loved me.. came all the time at my house showing love... he told me he did this because wanted to believe it... Also he was talking often to my family all the time along and trying to create a relationship with them....
During the breakup, he exhibited behavior that was entirely unfamiliar to me. he was so cold, it was like he hated me for no reason, he told me things I didnt deserve and its not coherent with the idea that the stayed 2 years with me to avoid hurting me because during the breakup he literally destroyed me. He stated that he didn't find me physically attractive, that I didnt make him horny in the bed, that he didn't appreciate the time we spent together. He claimed when he was coming for our dates he was feel uncomfortable all the time and he just wanted to leave.. he told me that he attended our dates or sex out of a sense of obligation rather than genuine desire. He told me it was like a duty or job for him. He told me he didnt see a future with me, that the idea of going to live together it was making him sick, he told me that he also thought to kill hiself becasue he didnt have the courage to leave me. He was telling me horrible things, he had no empathy, and he told me he didnt even tried to find an excuse to leave me because I was the perfect loving girlfriend and he just simply didnt find. I asked him if in these 2 years together he experienced at least a happy moment together and he stayed silent, like to say NO.
He told me many times I am sorry, but he didnt mean it, I was perceving from him a zero empathy, zero care, he was completely deatched, and during 2 years of relationship he never discusses of issuses despite I always tried to ask how he was feeling...
Let me know what you think..

I can't help but feel my girlfriend was taken advantage of and abused her whole life.
My girlfriend grew up in an abusive environment and her parents were super controlling so she also grew up isolated.
When she got to college she hooked up with two guys in the span of a week and has felt a lot of remorse for it and has a deep hatred of men.
She also accuses me of trying to pretend to be nice and caring to get in her pants which isn't true.
From what I gather those experiences were the only two sexual experiences she has which I asked when we talked about it because it's been bothering me and I'm trying to understand where she's coming from.
Both guys fucked her and kicked her to the curb afterwards as well as being verbally abusive during the sex. Not in the fun way in a bullying hateful way. No foreplay no oral nothing. I asked her if those guys pretended to be into her to get in her pants and what's why she's accusing me of doing it and she said she doesn't want to talk about it. The whole vibe around sex with her screams SA. Which is something I have endured myself .
I really suspect she was made to feel cared about and used for sex at best and possibly pressured or scared to say no at worst.
It all just had an icky feeling to it. The general vibe is more abuse and less no strings attached fun. It bothers me to no end. There's been times I've tried to ask if she was hurt and she just shuts the convo down I don't bring it up unless she does, but I do worry about her. It bothers me most that someone I have grown to love and value felt the need for casual sex to feel a human connection and then was thrown away as soon as the dudes got off. She said she did it because she was lonely and never had male attention so it felt good to get that attention. Yet when she talks about it she talks about the disparaging comments the guys made about her and her body. It makes me sick for real. I told her I think she was taken advantage of in some capacity and that the dudes seem like real pieces of shit
If someone pretends to like someone to gain access to them sexually that feels like some form of assault. My insecurities about hookups was replaced with anger. It's common and somewhat understandable to be a little insecure about hookups. I was don't ask don't tell on my relationship for a reason. I've always had a policy of I'm not gonna hook up with a girl that I wouldn't date because I don't want to hurt anyone and if I don't wanna be seen with the girl I'm going to be respectful and leave her alone even if she wants it so in short I've never hooked up.
My anger is at her family who raised her abusive and controlling environment. Her mom for letting men hit my girlfriend and worse. Anger at The men who did it. The fact she never truly felt loved in her life and any affection came with strings attached. I'm angry at her other family who's made disparaging comments about her. I'm angry at the men that fucked her, verbally abused her and threw her away like trash. I'm angry at the fact she felt the need to be intimate with strangers who treated her with such disrespect in order to feel any sort of connection . Id feel better if it was sexual exploration and done safe sane and fully consentual without hints of coersion. Sure I'd feel a insecure again. Id rather take the insecurity over feeling pissed at abstract things from the past that I couldn't change and happened before me. It's anger with no outlet.
I know that Abused people seek comfort wherever they can. Be that substances, sex, spending, food. If my girlfriend grew up with love and acceptance I doubt she would have had these encounters. When I put myself in her place I can see why she did it. Hell I've sexted women and put myself in relationships with abusive women seeking the same comfort and connection.
I feel guilt over my relationships and women I've talked to before her. I've gathered that overall I'm more experienced than her. I've talked to more women then she has men. I've had more sexual experience even though our number is the same. Her encounters to my long term relationships. Time for time I have more experience. I feel like shit for stuff I can't change.
I get this feeling like we both "missed out" some days I think about it we would have met sooner, how better things could be for both of us.She would have at least not been with guys who preyed on her trauma, I wouldn't have had abusive ex's she's asked if we would have been friends in highschool and I told her yeah if we knew each other. She's asked if I would have dated her back then and of course I would. I think we have a beautiful relationship as is. We love each other she melts my heart and I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else, I feel that shes my other half and I'm truly in love with this woman. Stronger love than I've ever felt before. It hurts that I didn't know her sooner to protect her from some of the shit she's been through. I'm her first relationship but she's not mine. We're neither of each others first in bed. I mean it hurts me that I didn't know she existed and we'd meet and I've slept with women who treated me badly. It hurts that she has trouble feeling loved by me. I keep my anger to her family to myself I don't know them but I'm angry at them. I'll be honest I hate em and I've never even met them. They use her as the scapegoat. They've given her nothing but a life full of horrific abuse that now as an adult she blames herself for it.
I present as a loving caring boyfriend which I am. But I keep all this anger and longing for a better past for both of us to myself. It hurts holding this in. I don't know how to process it or deal with it. I'm in therapy. I try to avoid topics that make me cry. I've tiptoed around things. I don't like crying in front of people. I'm crying writing this because I'm both so sad and so angry. I wanna know why. Why people are so shitty. Why one person has to be the punching bag their entire life. Why her family has to act like that. Why the dudes who used her for sex couldn't go for anyone else but the chick who craved love and a connection, they could have at least been decent and not caused more trauma out the door.
I know as a Christian we're called to forgive. I've heard picking up trespasses is a sin, but I can't help but feel a tremendous anger. Is it that wrong to be angry on another's behalf? I feel like someone has to. She doesn't speak up for herself and has normalized everything that's happened to her. Deep down it just hurts. I made a post the other day about not being able to feel the spark and after digging deep that feeling went away and we had a conversation where I explained to her that the way she has been treated isn't okay and she deserves better, but I am left with this anger at those who's wronged me and truth be told anger at those who have wronged me especially in relationships. Me and her work hard daily to make the relationship work and overcome our anxieties and worry from the past. We love each other deeply and she's someone I want to spend my life with. I want to start a family with her. She's honestly my best friend and we get along so well. She's a beautiful soul. I feel like this is where all my anger at those who hurt her comes from because well no one deserves it.
I'm a Christian and she's not though I understand why knowing her background. My grandma always said God works in mysterious ways and my fatal flaw so to speak is being fired up on behalf of those who have been wronged. This relationship brings that front and center into every day life. Id really like for us to move on from our respective pasts and build a loving healthy future with a beautiful family.

Long story short - I dated a shifty dude back in 2014. We only lasted a few months but he was just off. He had what appeared to be a volatile relationship with his mother. He never got close to me and it ended up evolving into a situationship I did not want so I cut that crap off. He also was just cruel to me for no reason but knew I had feelings for him. I ended up with a different man I almost married for 7 years. Jury is still out but the 7 year man might be a cerebral narc. That’s beside the point.
Well the other narc came out of literally the blue and seduced me into being with him from this relationship. Then called me a cheater (I was being super manipulated and I take full responsibility for my actions at this point). I realized he had a whole plan to make me a cheater with a faux seduction, he would purposely reject me, play vicious mind games, triangulate, and hooked me with sex. I believe he was someone special and this musician type everybody in his town admired. He was pressing and pressing me to make a sex video (blackmail).
Turns out - I was picking up signals that he was not genuine and this was a plot. I did piece together that he was setting me up to be trafficked. It followed the hallmarks of both a narc relationship and a pimp-victim relationship. He was collecting photos I sent to him to save for later to create an escort profile and not engaging with me genuinely, he was mean like a bully, he kept me hanging by threads like this in the torture chamber for a year - until it had clicked fully and all the pieces feel into place. I had realized I was the victim of extremely calculated narcissistic abuse. So when I’d had enough and felt on the brink of danger I told him off and I fled. He blocked me. I was sexually abused, emotionally abused, psychologically abused, and I know it would have turned to physical and financial had I stuck around. He believed he owned me.
I ended up in therapy and had to face my childhood for the first time ever. I was my family’s whipping post, highly empathic, and a selfless caretaker child. My dad was an exhibitionist grandiose narcissist. My sister is also one. A pain like I had never imagined engulfed my life. Then through the cracks came understanding, a light, and a passion for helping others like me. In some regard it was a blessing.
I have reached out to a few women the narc triangulated me with. He just slept with them, nothing much to report. Yet me he tortured, me he abused horrifically, and he set me up. It hurts to know I was specifically singled out for abuse. It also baffles me he could give them such a different experience. Did this happen to any of you? Why do you think that is? They say oh we had a casual relationship that’s all. Me - he said it was casual but then I was borderline held against my will. It was NOT actually casual.

my hair takes a really long time to grow, I’ve tried hair oiling before shower, rice water, toners. They do help but more bew tips would be a great help! thanks

What are we doing for clogged ducts? I am using the Lansinoh hot and cold packs to reduce inflammation between feeds, feeding baby on demand starting on that side, I did a warm shower, etc. and it’s not completely gone. It’s only been a day so I know it might just take time but I definitely don’t want mastitis or anything so I’m wondering if there’s anything else I can do?
Also, is there a good way to prevent clogs in the future?

Long time lurker here as I prepared for my surgery this past Friday. Simple, superficial fistula and some old hemorrhoidal tissue was removed. Still a fair amount of pain/discomfort.
Anyway, I had a bowel movement this morning. Cleaned with flushable wipes, bidet, shower head. Did a bathtub soak. Decided to just take a shower and get ready for the day. Finished getting dressed only for my body to say, “hey, I think we need to go to the bathroom again!” Just perfect timing, eh?

I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is check how much money I made while sleeping.
It feels good to be me.
I check my account and I see green, after that I get into the shower with the chick I was fucking the night before, I get my mood up and then we get back to the managing the automation.
I work with my workers to estabilish better relationships and more contacts.
Once I am done with this around 12 am, I proceed to get in my baby and drive all the way to my restaurants.
There I start checking if everything is managed properly.
it is usually a walkthrough in every restaurant.
From there I have lunch in one of these restaurants.
Then I go meet up with my mastermind group and we discuss our online strategies, this usually takes a few hours in the office dabbling between what we can do better in our online automated businesses and what we can do to make better businesses and investments.
once that is done, I open up Instagram and hit up one of my women and pick her up and we go for dinner.
As she speaks the usual nonsense while we are eating about what she did in her day which I don't care about, i am checking my twitter to see which crypto coin I should trade next.
After dinner, I head back home do my duty as a man to that woman she goes to sleep.
I head back to my setup and begin calling up my online team to plan the next moves.
I wake her up one more time before going to sleep and go double down with her and then I go to sleep and my online team is printing me money.
It is possible for you to live like me.
You just have to believe and act.
The opportunities exist

That was 3 years ago and I noticed almost immediately that I have fine lines where I didn’t before. I could be better about drinking water, but it seems as though even when I up my intake significantly, they’re still there. They go away when I take long, hot showers. Haha Do I need a better moisturizer? Or should I move back to where there’s more moisture in the air? Only half kidding..