Sabbath school lesson study | | Builders of the Adytum

Hello,
For the past year I have been living at home and going to a community college since I graduated highschool. I have decided that the degree Im going for is really kind of useless, and that I dont want to or really even need to get the degree to get that job (and frankly I dont think I want the job either). This past year has been really lonely and very depressing in terms of making friends/meeting people, due to commuting and my major being a small group of the same people for each class. I also really dont have a great idea of what I would like to do/major in.
My options Im considering right now are:
-Stay at home and go to community college for a general studies degree (Pro: go for free, credits will be mostly applicable to anywhere I apply, use those 2 years to figure out what I wanna do. Cons: still decently lonely, hate living in the same place I have grown up my entire life)
-Go to state school undecided (Pro: be around people, parties. Cons: Student debt (something I REALLY want to avoid).
This leads me to another option:
-Move to a college town with roomates and take my general studies degree online. (Pros: go for free, I manage my time better doing school online, still have time to figure out what Im doing without going into debt, still can be around a college campus with people) (Cons: Paying rent/utilities, managing life being independent)
If anyone older than me (19M) could outline anything I am perhaps not seeing with these options, I would GREATLY appreciate it. I had the idea for the third option today but dont know if I am seeing all the sides of it.
Thanks.
EDIT: To clarify, general studies would be a 2 year degree that I would use to transfer to a 4 year.

I (23 F) have been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD, and social anxiety for a few years now, starting Sophomore year of college. I never really agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis. I didn't feel like what I had was mania, though I did relate to a cyclical type of depression and periods of higher mood and motivation, not as much with the super fast talking or no sleep. I do get really bad irritability (just in general, but it gets unmanageable when I'm depressed). I'm also very prone to isolation, impulsivity, and rumination, and have avoidant tendencies. Since the start of the year, I've had 3 social outings that lasted a few hours each. I work remotely,and rarely leave my house.

For context, I was always very motivated in school and went to a really good university for an engineering degree. I recently graduated and I'm now a Software Engineer. As soon as I started college, the ADHD symptoms and other mental health struggles started taking a toll on my grades, which was really debilitating. At 19, I got on Adderall for ADHD, and was smoking weed heavily, and for a period I was abusing my adderall, which I now greatly regret. At the height of this, I had a bad case of persecutory delusions that were scary as hell. Typical "CIA is after me". I got off adderall for about a year, and it was so hard to feel motivated to do anything, and studying was very difficult. I was still having suspicious thinking, but I was smoking weed a lot less and not taking any stimulants, and it didn't reach a full-blown delusional state.

I finally started with a new psychiatrist, and today we had our second visit. I explained that I'm scared to go on an antipsychotic because they can cause cognitive issues and in my career, I can't afford that. He concluded that what I have sounds more like a thought disorder, along with a mood disorder -- He said it possibly could be schizoaffective disorder. He said since Adderall helps a lot, we could switch to Ritalin which has a lower chance of psychosis, and add on Vraylar. He said Vraylar is good for my concern with a lack of motivation, and fear of cognitive decline with other antipsychotics.

I'm scared because this thought disorder thing feels spot on. My whole life, my intellect is the only thing I feel has gotten me through life. And now I have this thing that is basically characterized by "illogical thinking". And it's true. In those heightened delusional states, I can feel my mind connecting dots that have no business being connected. And it's getting worse. And Adderall, the thing that feels helpful, may have exacerbated this. I'm only 23, I'm only just starting my Software Engineering career, and the thoughts that "I'm getting dumber" since I was 19 are proving to be true. I'm honestly terrified. I feel unable to function without Adderall, but I'm also scared that I'll just become more psychotic if I keep taking it. What do I do... I've been considering going back and getting my master's in Computer Science because I want to work in AI, but I would feel incapable doing it without Adderall. And now I feel like either way, this "thought disorder" thing will worsen and I won't be able to do any job that requires logical thinking because my brain is just broken. I broke my brain. And I'm only 23. I've always been an intellectually curious person, I feel so hopeless right now like what is the point of living this way?

I (23 F) have been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD, and social anxiety for a few years now, starting Sophomore year of college. I never really agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis. I didn't feel like what I had was mania, though I did relate to a cyclical type of depression and periods of higher mood and motivation, not as much with the super fast talking or no sleep. I do get really bad irritability (just in general, but it gets unmanageable when I'm depressed). I'm also very prone to isolation, impulsivity, and rumination, and have avoidant tendencies. Since the start of the year, I've had 3 social outings that lasted a few hours each. I work remotely,and rarely leave my house.
For context, I was always very motivated in school and went to a really good university for an engineering degree. I recently graduated and I'm now a Software Engineer. As soon as I started college, the ADHD symptoms and other mental health struggles started taking a toll on my grades, which was really debilitating. At 19, I got on Adderall for ADHD, and was smoking weed heavily, and for a period I was abusing my adderall, which I now greatly regret. At the height of this, I had a bad case of persecutory delusions that were scary as hell. Typical "CIA is after me". I got off adderall for about a year, and it was so hard to feel motivated to do anything, and studying was very difficult. I was still having suspicious thinking, but I was smoking weed a lot less and not taking any stimulants, and it didn't reach a full-blown delusional state.
I finally started with a new psychiatrist, and today we had our second visit. I explained that I'm scared to go on an antipsychotic because they can cause cognitive issues and in my career, I can't afford that. He concluded that what I have sounds more like a thought disorder, along with a mood disorder -- He said it possibly could be schizoaffective disorder. He said since Adderall helps a lot, we could switch to Ritalin which has a lower chance of psychosis, and add on Vraylar. He said Vraylar is good for my concern with a lack of motivation, and fear of cognitive decline with other antipsychotics.
I'm scared because this thought disorder thing feels spot on. My whole life, my intellect is the only thing I feel has gotten me through life. And now I have this thing that is basically characterized by "illogical thinking". And it's true. In those heightened delusional states, I can feel my mind connecting dots that have no business being connected. And it's getting worse. And Adderall, the thing that feels helpful, may have exacerbated this. I'm only 23, I'm only just starting my Software Engineering career, and the thoughts that "I'm getting dumber" since I was 19 are proving to be true. I'm honestly terrified. I feel unable to function without Adderall, but I'm also scared that I'll just become more psychotic if I keep taking it. What do I do... I've been considering going back and getting my master's in Computer Science because I want to work in AI, but I would feel incapable doing it without Adderall. And now I feel like either way, this "thought disorder" thing will worsen and I won't be able to do any job that requires logical thinking because my brain is just broken. I broke my brain. And I'm only 23. I've always been an intellectually curious person, I feel so hopeless right now like what is the point of living this way?

I’m studying for the DSAT math using the hard question bank and covering a unit each day (finishing 1 file of the hard problems per each topic, reviewing topic if I have trouble answering questions). I write down the problems I got wrong, look for the topic on YouTube and watch someone do it, and then run over through similar problems until I’m confident.
Anything I should do better? I took practice test 6 two days ago and got 1370 (730RW/640M 🙁💔) I’m already out of school by the way and don’t have any commitments so time is not a problem. Really trying to improve my math score and hit 1450+.

Hey Reddit,
I'm reaching out to this community in hopes of gaining some clarity on a tough decision I'm facing. After months of anticipation, I finally got the news that I've been taken off the NYU waitlist. It's a moment I've imagined countless times, but with a twist I didn't expect: my acceptance is for the London campus, not New York. The London campus represents everything I've ever wanted in my college experience. It's the perfect blend of my love for liberal arts and my desire to immerse myself in a new culture. However, there's a significant financial consideration. Post-aid, I'm staring down the barrel of an $87k bill, which is a tough pill to swallow for my family. They're supportive of my education but drawing the line at the cost of an overseas program, especially when the NYC campus is right here. I'm at a crossroads between the dream of studying in London and the practicality of staying in NY. The NYC campus is an excellent option, no doubt, but it's hard not to feel like I'm compromising on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I'm looking for some wisdom from anyone who's had to choose between their ideal school and a more sensible option. How did you decide? What factors tipped the scales for you? If you've been in my shoes, especially with NYU, I'd love to hear how you navigated this decision. Appreciate any insights you can share i would really appreciate it!

So I’ve been flying for a little bit now, still kind of low experience with about 95 hours in the air. Recently I’ve been taking IFR lessons for the past 3 or 4 months and I’ve just got to know, how does anybody ever get past all the studying?!?! I’ve done the flying parts of it, did my 5 hour XC, can’t progress further until I get my written out of the way, but the studying feels impossible.
I have watched 40 or 50 videos with the kings, laughed, cried, gotten confused. I’m studying a thousand questions with Sheppard air, then i will read through the thousand again, and then one more time for good measure. But at this point my brain is muddled with so much IFR knowledge that my wires are getting crossed and I’m introducing myself as my call sign and requesting clearance to do my tasks at work. I’m fully aware that i am just whining right now and I need to keep my head down and get the work done, but in all seriousness does anyone have any tips for this stage of my training? Something to keep myself from getting spatially disoriented sitting at my desk?

Hey Reddit,
I'm reaching out to this community in hopes of gaining some clarity on a tough decision I'm facing. After months of anticipation, I finally got the news that I've been taken off the NYU waitlist. It's a moment I've imagined countless times, but with a twist I didn't expect: my acceptance is for the London campus, not New York. The London campus represents everything I've ever wanted in my college experience. It's the perfect blend of my love for liberal arts and my desire to immerse myself in a new culture. However, there's a significant financial consideration. Post-aid, I'm staring down the barrel of an $87k bill, which is a tough pill to swallow for my family. They're supportive of my education but drawing the line at the cost of an overseas program, especially when the NYC campus is right here. I'm at a crossroads between the dream of studying in London and the practicality of staying in NY. The NYC campus is an excellent option, no doubt, but it's hard not to feel like I'm compromising on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I'm looking for some wisdom from anyone who's had to choose between their ideal school and a more sensible option. How did you decide? What factors tipped the scales for you? If you've been in my shoes, especially with NYU, I'd love to hear how you navigated this decision. Appreciate any insights you can share i would really appreciate it!

Finishing highschool this year, and was deadset on going to waterloo. got in for honours math, and am now worried. my friends from highschool are all going to less prestigious schools like bc and queens, and i kind of regret not applying to them because i am just realizing now that social life for me is just as important as where i study. that being said, is it really so bad at waterloo? i feel like if i try i can avoid all of the grindset mindset individuals and make real friends instead. smoking buddies, drinking buddies, sports buddies.
tldr; what is the passing rate on the "making friends and having a social life" course at waterloo

Hi! I am currently in my gap year after graduating in May 2023, I have spent the year studying for the MCAT, shadowing, getting my CCMA, and working in a Drs office. My undergrad GPA was a 3.54, with a sGPA around 3.26 ish. (my GPA may fluctuate once I enter it into AMCAS/TMDSAS/AACOM) My GPA has a strong upward trend including Dean’s list Junior and Senior year. I am applying broadly, and I am a Texas resident so I am applying to all the Texas schools as well as many OOS friendly schools. I took the MCAT 4/12 and received a 506. I had scored a 510 and a 514 in the two weeks leading up to test day. On test day i felt really defeated by the exam, I didn’t feel confident leaving the testing center, and I was super bummed. A 506 is better than what I expected with how I felt on test day, but not what I wanted. Should I go ahead and apply this cycle with a 506? Should I try and study for a month and do a retake in June or July for this cycle? do I study longer for a retake and wait for next cycle? I once had a prof tell me to not let an MCAT score decide whether or not I submit my application, I’m just not sure what to do here. Any advice is so greatly appreciated🥰🥰

I'm interested in what some of our experiences were like. I am a student and an employee in American Academia. Our system is very clearly in crisis, but also a lot of the current fall out was set up decades ago. So I want to know how college was for you as an ASD woman. I love school and education, but to say I'm disillusioned with the institution is an under statement.
What was your primary take away from your experience? When were you in school? What country did you study in? Were you in STEM or the Humanities? Were you given accommodations?
Really interested to hear from yall :)

So, I currently am studying in university. I am studying political science with a concentration in international affairs and also am studying minors in genocide studies and global studies (the global studies minor might eventually get dropped depending on if it’s inconvenient). I want to learn a second language to help me stick out. I dream of working for the UN or a great NGO that works in human rights or genocide prevention. But I want to help more on a global scale than just domestic. I am between several languages. I have interest in Mandarin or Korean but they seem extremely challenging and I’m just unsure if they will click. I know Arabic and Russian are valuable too but I feel similarly about them. So I am between the average American high school three of Spanish, German, or French. Which would provide me the most value? I was very good at Spanish in high school but am a bit rusty now. I don’t particularly love French or German a lot but I’ve heard they are extremely useful in the international world. What should I do? Or is there something else I should be looking into. Please give me some guidance if you work in any of these fields or know any advice 😭🙏🏼

Hey, looking for advice to get into Med School before I get too “old”.

Getting out of the Military to pursue a Post-Bacc Career Changer Program (hoping for GoucheBryn MawScripps/UVA).
Complete a part-time online Masters in Biomedical Science while still in the Military. (Mainly looking at Geisinger).

Background: 3.2 Undergrad with a BA and BS in business related majors. Also a unofficial minor in Military Studies (180 credit hours total). I was Active in Army ROTC and numerous Clubs in campus while working full-time for those 5 years in college.
Present day: 30 Years “young”. 7 years of Active Duty. :Currently a Captain, have led both small/large teams. Have always been in Top 5% of peers during annual reviews (OERs).
Short Term Goals: Complete Pre-Reqs for Med School even if it means exiting the service or going to the Army Reserves. (Have 1 years worth of salary saved so my wife and 2 children don’t have to suffer too much).
Long Term Goals: Become a Doctor, not picky about the means, MD/DO -whatever it takes. Would love to attend USU to continue my service or take an HPSP Scholarship at any medical school that will accept me.
Other: I am shooting to volunteer at a Hospital for ~100 hrs and at the VA for ~100hrs. Is this enough volunteering experience if paired with a decent MCAT to get in?
I appreciate any advice or guidance! Thank you!

Today, I was fighting for my life on maths paper 1 because I was sneezing excessively to the point that the invigilators just stared at me concerned. I still decided to come into school just to take it as it was my only one of the day and my mum told me to take it and come home if I'm not feeling well.
Now, when I go to the reception to tell them what's happening and that I need to go home one of them says to the other, very clearly so I can hear, something about how, 'people shouldn't make a show to say they're sick and should just say they want to go home'. The audacity to say that when I'm right in front of them, pale as a vampire (I was the original inspo for Bram Stoker's Dracula).
I understand their frustration about how students say they're sick because they do not have study leave- but to say that very blatantly to each other while directly staring at me??? [REDACTED] from reception you are now my biggest op fr

So I have a project coming up for school and it has to be an art related lesson to teach the class
So I made an entire presentation and lesson about Doom
How it’s made, the music, the community, mods all that stuff
Was wondering if anyone would be interested in seeing that

i am seriously very confused between York life sciences, Waterloo life science, TMU biomed and western medical sciences ? wha's the best option to study post secondary before med school and why

Hey, looking for advice to get into Med School before I get too “old”.

Getting out of the Military to pursue a Post-Bacc Career Changer Program (hoping for GoucheBryn MawScripps/UVA).
Complete a part-time online Masters in Biomedical Science while still in the Military. (Mainly looking at Geisinger).

Background: 3.2 Undergrad with a BA and BS in business related majors. Also a unofficial minor in Military Studies (180 credit hours total). I was Active in Army ROTC and numerous Clubs in campus while working full-time for those 5 years in college.
Present day: 30 Years “young”. 7 years of Active Duty. :Currently a Captain, have led both small/large teams. Have always been in Top 5% of peers during annual reviews.
Short Term Goals: Complete Pre-Reqs for Med School even if it means exiting the service or going to the Army Reserves. (Have 1 years worth of salary saved so my wife and 2 children don’t have to suffer too much).
Long Term Goals: Become a Doctor, not picky about the means, MD/DO -whatever it takes. Would love to attend USU to continue my service or take an HPSP Scholarship at any medical school that will accept me.
Other: I am shooting to volunteer at a Hospital for ~100 hrs and at the VA for ~100hrs. Is this enough volunteering experience if paired with a decent MCAT to get in?
I appreciate any advice or guidance! Thank you!

Came to rant slightly, but also to celebrate the closing of a chapter.
I made the mistake of signing on to a 1 year lease with someone I had only one, 10 minute FaceTime call with who is 3 years younger than me and had never lived on her own before.
In this FaceTime call she not only blatantly lied to me, she also failed to disclose several serious details.

She told me she had a car. Upon her moving in I not only discovered that she didn’t have a car, this girl didn’t even have a license, nor any sort of desire to obtain one.

We moved into a neighborhood that absolutely requires one to have a car to be able to navigate. It’s isolated and anything but walkable. We have a bus stop by our house but she had also never done a long list of basic things, like stepping foot on any form of public transport.

She failed to disclose until the lease was signed and we were moved in that she has (self diagnosed) agoraphobia. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically a crippling fear of everything beyond the front door, where a person is terrified and intensely avoids public places and most people so much they avoid going out all together.
Neither of those things would’ve mattered to me but she also lied to me about being consistent in working and going to school. She premised us moving in together by telling me she had active hobbies, spent the majority of her time outside of the house working and going to classes. Leading me to believe I was moving in with someone who had a similar lifestyle to me. = alls to say she is a shut in. She’s been employed maybe 5 months of the time we’ve lived together and besides work leaves the house for nothing. Has stopped going to her classes even literally never leaves the house.

I quickly discovered that she does not function like a normal person and is a textbook hermit. She’s paranoid of everything, smokes weed every day and is unexposed to basic things in society. Things like calling our maintenance company or having a friendly conversation with our neighbors were out of the question. Her rude, paranoid and closed off conversations with our neighbors caused all of our neighbors to basically hate us.
She didn’t once take initiative in the apartment, I’ve had to explain VERY basic cleaning and maintenance things to her which she received as ludicrous and condescending.
She’s called me bossy and stubborn meanwhile begging me to direct her to basic household duties.
The first few months when I tried to befriend her she shot down every single one of my invitations, attempts to connect or hang out and then later accused ME of lying upon move in when I said I was also hoping to be friends with my roommate. She went months without asking me a single personal question as she used me as her own sounding board to spill her fears/ complaints and paranoia to since the only people she actively speaks to are me and her boyfriend. Then she accused me of being judgemental and critical when I offered her constructive advice on very basic complaints she’d come to me every single day with. She later explained that she wasn’t ever looking for advice but for someone to say boo hoo poor you.
She is a prisoner of her own mind and exploited me as 1/2 of her only inmate visitors.
I’ve sat down for hours, on several occasions trying to help her find / access a therapist some sort of help despite how she treats me and she’s come up with every single excuse in the book as to why she will not pursue therapy (she is studying to become a therapist, yet doesn’t believe it is going to help her situation). I’ve tried to offer her help, guidance and friendship but have been rejected at every turn.
She’s ignored me for weeks at a time despite the two of us sharing apartment together then pointed her finger at ME for not being friendly.
She has walked by me at school WHILE texting me and avoided speaking to me. Almost exclusively texts me from her room while we our both home and my door is wide open.
All I have to say now as I’m moving out and breaking my lease early is I’m so damn excited to leave this person behind. She will learn that others will not be nearly as easy to live with and hopefully she learns the hard way.
None of these things are inherently problematic but if you live with someone else should be disclosed upon move in. She lied so hard, both explicitly and by omission of these critical lifestyle details. I have never cared about how others choose to live their life but when it conflicts with mine in a shared environment, that is when it becomes a problem for me.
I’m so damn excited to live with someone who is friendly, communicative and occasionally leaves their room to engage with the outside world! Including me!

I’m 17 at a college studying IT, there’s 3 other girls in my class, however 1 has pretty much dropped out, and the other 2 are rarely in the same day, so essentially the most girls in the class at a time is 2.
The comments I have received in my class range from ‘I hope you get raped’ to ‘You look easily abusable’ to being pushed into lockers, kicked to the ground and my ass being slapped. I feel wildly uncomfortable in this environment. I can’t help but fear the future I may experience in IT. I understand I have been insanely unlucky with the people I am surrounded by, but I can’t help but let it impact me.
I went for student president during my class, I thought I would be a suitable role since I attend every class with good punctuality, recieve the highest grades, and genuinely enjoy going to school (student president requires extra time at college). I got boo’d when I stood up and spoke, I was honestly so confused. I stated how I think it would be good for a girl to represent IT, they clearly didn’t like that. Instead the class voted for some guy that was never in (he has dropped out now) and some guy that did it ‘for a laugh’ (he hates it and begged for me to be the other representative with him).
Another thing I have noticed, is that despite me getting the highest grades in the class, no one comes for me to help. Instead, they go to the guy who has gotten the same grades as me, with a few being lower. I love to help and I wish people would ask me.
I also find my classmates don’t initially listen to me. I give a piece of advice, then a guy says the exact same thing, and then it is taken on board.
I’ve experienced way more small forms of comments and actions that I can’t remember from the top of my head, but to sum it up it is just mockery/being unheard/feeling isolated.
I know how childish these people are, but I can’t help but regret the field I have chosen.
I would really appreciate some reassurance right now! c:
Edit: I also remember when my friend hit me in the froat and I made a sound that sounded ‘sexual’ (as if I was giving head) and some guy did a very clearly amused faces and said ‘I want to record that and play it on repeat’. I’ve also been told when I was sitting on the floor that it ‘looks like im about to give head’

Hello everyone! I have decided to leave my thoughts here, so whatever happens, happens, I just feel like I should do it somewhere. Oh my, I typed a lot, I'm not even confident enough that this will be read, but hey I've got nothing to lose. So, I'm a guy who just recently hit 20 and the ways I think and feel are changing and I am having difficulties because of that. This will be related to my feelings, thoughts and my wishes, the last part is something I'm not used to having. The main problem will be my father who is not supporting that. However I wouldn't say it's just some "disagreement" or anything, but something bigger. So I will leave some stuff I've been through and how I felt at those times. I hope someone can help or anything
Before school: I would be super talkative with the family and neighborhood kids, just being annoying and putting out some childlike opinions and just being a little loud burden when I'm comfortable. When I'm not, I'd just be the quiet kid I've been taught to be, not nice bothering grownups, they're scary
Elementary school: As a kid I never had too many friends, I always attached to that one person and was connected with them the most and it was enough for me. However I happened to have some silly luck where whenever I'd get attached to someone they would magically appear to move out of the country and I'd find a new friend and repeat the same cycle. Definitely didn't hang out with multiple people at once. Wasn't aware this was doing something to me. A lot of them were friends that played a lot of video games and I got into playing video games too. A bit too much perhaps because it would happen to delay everything, including my knowledge of everything till this very day. Both in elementary and high school I was a straight A, "gifted kid" and all that nerd stuff. Of course I did it all because I feared the reaction of my parents if I wasn't doing as good as I was supposed to. My mom was more understanding than my dad. I could always ask her things like "Would you still love me if I wasn't getting As?" and she would comfort me and all the good stuff. I was always afraid of my dad so I never had deeper talks with him. Even today, I have deep talks with my mom and love spending time with her but I can end up being all day alone with my dad and we share 20 words. But now not that much because of fear but because of habit I guess. My whole life goal at this stage was just not making him angry. I didn't have any hobbies, just burning through games and school books. When it was time to go to highschool, I picked some random school not directed into anything, (uhh I don't know the words, gymnasium? the school that has a little bit of everything, nothing specific, English is not my native language) it was kinda directed to coding but not really, I picked it because, hey I like games, this should be fun, I could make games.
Highschool: My habits have hit me, and I realized I'm not really engaging in healthy human activities so I have been so afraid of not being able to make friends. Because I usually spent my social time with one friend in my house or their house I didn't really know anything about my town or places or activities or whatever at the age of 15. I was scared of simply being too far behind on everything and that I couldn't make friends. However I happened to find some kid who was just like me and I clicked with him. Oh my, repeating the cycle, am I not? However I didn't want to repeat the cycle. And I wanted to go meet more friends from the class and see what's up, I'm tired of feeling like an outcast. I've been lucky and I've met some great guys where I've seen what it means to have self-respect, self-love, a backbone, goals, how you can rebel against things you find ridiculous and all the most insane of them all, ~confidence~. Thanks to being in that group of 5 friends, I've been taught so many things I should have known ages ago and I was able to feel okay around people, start going to the gym, going out in town, advancing even as far as going to different towns and trying out things I didn't feel comfortable thinking about before. Was able to talk to girls on a deeper level and had an embarrassingly late realization of "hey, they're human too!". Things I did were nothing too crazy ever, I still had my dad's ideals hanging over my head, so I never felt comfortable engaging in some things like drinking or going to parties out late (well, he wouldn't allow me to leave the house late anyways). Eventually I figured out I can just lie to him to make things less complicated by twisting the story a little bit, that's how I ended up going to another town. The first time I confronted him about something bigger, is when I wanted to go to another country on my own so I could meet up with my girlfriend at that time and I was tired of him not allowing me stuff and I just dropped my first ever assertive-ish sentence to him. "I want to ask you something but I don't want your answer to be no". He allowed me to, was taken aback though. That trip was one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had in my life. I think he allowed me to only because it was a girl in question, and I wasn't really having girl friends in highschool, was scared because of all the generalization I've heard from my father and the relationship between my parents, and I truly wasn't excited about the whole idea of marriage. My dad is very traditional and he loves being in control of my life because he believes that a man should fully provide for his family, that he should simply deal with this deal with that, that a wife must obey him, that parents are most important no matter how they act yadda yadda. A lot of old thinking I never agreed with but couldn't do much about it anyways so let's just live I guess. However one thing I did continue in highschool is my addiction to video games. But then I stopped because I felt guilty for not studying and felt guilty for not learning about music or town areas all my friends know. So I started listen to music properly and I got hooked to it. This has grown into a bigger problem now and I'll go in the final stage of my life because I feel like this is so much text.
University: (if I say uni/college, I'm talking about the same thing, I don't know if there's a difference between the two words) Oh well, you remember how I said that the addiction is gonna make a problem? Well, I started studying engineering. Thanks to my high grades and me doing the entrance exam relatively well, I got into the "toughest college in the country". Now, the fun part is that now that I have to detach from listening to music for multiple hours a day and absolutely doing stupid dances and releasing my energy outside because I don't know what to do with it, I realized I never thought about what I loved... And, well let's just say I don't really know if engineering, nor coding was the way to go. Crisis time. However I don't like anything, what do I do I'm gonna lose my mind. Well, let's just try having friends? I met some of the most beautiful souls ever on this university and I have reached the point of being able to "be myself" and show the world my weirdness and all the goofy opinions and statements my mind creates. I go to that college sometimes just to see all those beautiful people again and again. They're serious about what they're doing and about their studies, I wish them the best, I really hope I don't negatively affect them. However, I tried to research a bit on what I might actually truly love. And after stumbling through life this last year while pretending everything's okay when dad asked, and telling the truth to my mom, I stumbled onto psychology. And well I have went to that college, to see the lessons and classes and wow, studying can be fun? So I'm thinking about finally taking a wrong turn on this path I was always meant to take from the beginning of my life, and follow this, just to see what's gonna happen. What's the purpose of pushing software engineering when I know I'll feel about it like any other job. I'm not money hungry anyways, I'm hungry for being fulfilled. I've confronted my dad about wanting to change my career, to which I've been called many names, been extremely judged for my choices and I've been told to cut off my hair and stop going to the gym as punishment (I'm not planning on listening to this). I've never been physically abused by my dad, but I'm scared if he's insane enough to do something to me now because he set me a timer of 7 days to cut off my hair. Oh yes btw, I always wanted to have long hair and he never agreed, I was too scared to ever do it. Recently I've changed my mind and he hates it so now he wants it gone. I'm genuinely concerned if he's gonna launch on me with scissors or something ridiculous. You see, even now I am so easily manipulated and controlled by fear and I'm sick and tired of that. That's probably the reason I never got out of religion, my fear is just too strong for me to do it. I dislike that, I wish I could transfer fear into love, I have never learned how to do that though. Will I always be like this? Will I always be a coward and just say "yessir" to everything? I don't want to anymore. I'm tired of being a puppet. I'm tired of having to prove I'm smart or capable or hardworking. I just want to have something with which I can say "I did this on my own, I committed to this, I wanted this" not "well it was good for me". I want to start following my heart and throw my brain out of the window. And now I'm scared of things like "what if I was wrong all along and he was right", "what if I don't find any jobs in this country because of this", "what if he throws me out of the house or starts abusing me". Well I don't know, but I feel like I want to commit to psychology, and I'm gonna do it, I'll be on my own, no ideals from other people, just me, and my wishes. But these words and all the things affect me a lot and they always have. And I get demotivated and stop caring about everything, which just makes my addiction to blasting music on my headphones and badly dancing even stronger. I'm scared of it happening again. But I've never been this sick of it all, I feel like I won't go down without a fight anymore. So I ask in the text once more, can I truly be broken beyond repair, or can I break all the chains tying me down? Because I want to know if I should just abandon all hope and embrace the tradition and insanity along with it, or just run and not look back.
If you have read all of this, I am very grateful to you, hopefully I have been collected enough to construct sentences that make sense, or that it all makes sense overall. Anything is appreciated. I love you all and wish you the best <3

I (23 F) have been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD, and social anxiety for a few years now, starting Sophomore year of college. I never really agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis. I didn't feel like what I had was mania, though I did relate to a cyclical type of depression and periods of higher mood and motivation, not as much with the super fast talking or no sleep. I do get really bad irritability (just in general, but it gets really unmanageable when I'm depressed). I'm also very prone to isolation, impulsivity, rumination, and have avoidant tendencies in relationships/in general. Since the start of the year, I've had about 3 social outings that lasted a few hours each. I only go into the office 4 times a month, and I order my groceries, so I really never leave my house.
For context, I was always very motivating in school and went to a really good university for an engineering degree. I recently graduated and I'm now a Software Engineer. As soon as I started college, the ADHD symptoms and other mental health struggles started taking a toll on my grades, which was really debilitating. At 19, I got on Adderall for ADHD, and was smoking weed heavily, and for a period I was definitely abusing my adderall, which I now greatly regret. During the height of this, I had a really bad case of persecutory delusions that were scary as hell. Typical "CIA is after me" stuff. I got off adderall for about a year, and it was so hard to feel motivated to do anything, and studying was very difficult. I was still having some paranoid/suspicious thinking, but I was smoking weed a lot less and not taking any stimulants, and it didn't reach a full-blown delusional state. For example, if I couldn't find an article of clothing or item in my room, I would quickly jump to "someone must have stolen it", until I would find it. I would also think a lot about the persecutory delusions from before, and wonder about them, but wouldn't really go back to believing them. I graduated last May, and a few months later, I got back on Adderall. It helped my executive dysfunction so much. For example, cleaning is a severe problem for me. I cannot clean, and my apartment frequently gets ant or fly infestations if I don't pay someone to clean for me. The adderall helps with stuff like this, especially if I'm not depressed. When I am severely depressed, it helps with concentration but I don't care enough to do the things I should be focusing on, if that makes sense -- basically the motivation is not there but the concentration is.
I finally started with a new psychiatrist, and today we had our second visit. I explained that I'm scared to go on an antipsychotic because they can cause cognitive issues and in my career, I cant afford that. He concluded that what I have sounds more like a thought disorder than mania, along with a mood disorder -- He said it possibly could be schizoaffective disorder. He said since the Adderall helps a lot, we could switch to Ritalin which has a lower chance of psychosis, and add on Vraylar. He said Vraylar is good for my concern with a lack of motivation, and fear of cognitive decline with other antipsychotics.
I'm scared of this whole thought disorder thing. I looked it up, and it's pretty spot on with my delusional thinking. My whole life, my "intelligence" is the only thing I feel like I've been good at, and the thing that's basically gotten me through life. And now I have this thing that is basically characterized by "illogical thinking". And it's true. In those heightened delusional states, I can feel my mind connecting dots that have no business being connected. And it's getting worse. And adderall, the thing that feels helpful, may have exacerbated this. At least from my understanding, its affects on dopamine are similar to the root cause of Schizophrenia and disorganized thinking, etc. And it is supposed to get worse over time. I'm only 23, I'm only just starting my Software Engineering career, and the thoughts that "I'm getting dumber" since I was 19 are proving to be true. Schizophrenics see a significant drop in IQ over time. I'm honestly terrified. I feel unable to function without Adderall, but I'm also scared that I'll just become more psychotic if I keep taking it. To make matters worse, after 2 sessions with this psychiatrist who was going to prescribe the Vraylar, he tells me he, in fact, does not take my insurance (he'd told me this whole time he did, but he was "mistaken"). It took me so long to find a psychiatrist and now I might have to pay hundreds of dollars worth of two sessions out of pocket. I'm so scared, what do I do... I've been considering going back and getting my masters in Computer Science because I want to work in AI, and you usually need higher education for that. But I would feel incapable doing it without Adderall, and now I feel like either way, this "thought disorder" thing will worsen and I won't be able to do any job that requires logical thinking because my brain just broken. I feel like I broke my brain. And I'm only 23. I've always been an intellectually curious person, I feel so hopeless right now like what is the point of living this way.

Perhaps because of my 4 wing but I've always preferred subjects like history, philosophy, sociology and art; the uncertainity and endless answers and interpretations is what draws me to them, my favourite subject at high school was religious studies & art. I've occaisionally dabbled in STEM stuff like maths and coding and it's not like I suck at it but it bores me and I have little interest to pursue anything in that area as a life-long career (maybe except astronomy & theoretical physics if I had to pick).
It seems most descriptions of INTPs sound quite stereotypical and center towards 5w6s so I never see information on INTPs who are very creative and arts focused who I find usually have a 4 wing (although not always the case obviously).