Clever screennames

It's an unfortunate fact that the debate bro not only refused to die, but apparently thrived on every single planet with something like an internet, and worse yet it went up like a lantern dropped in a hay barn when multiple species of sapients connected their interplanetary networks. Save us from the lowest common denominator. However, amongst the craptastic trend that absolutely refused to die, there was a stream that fleetingly approached intellectual stimulation. "What is the Whole Galaxy Wrong About?" was a simple enough premise, a doctor of xenoanthropology from the six eyed, eight limbed, manners obsessed Invari hosted and brought on a panel of charismatic streamers from other races to face off against one brave sod who would flail about to try to make their personal, national, or species point in the face of overwhelming polite ridicule. Surprising to only the aforementioned lowest common denominator, that brave sod actually eked out victory just over twenty percent of the time, and only the most savvy of viewers had an inkling that occasionally the polite professor deliberately chose an opponent for the panel who had a point in order to help dispel mistaken stereotypes. The Dirtling guest was not such an occasion. Not on purpose.
Oure entertaining and entrepreneurial academic fully expected the Dirtling, or Human as they prefer, to be another example of their famously drunk and sweaty Flow Rider Mans, which must be incredibly common to gain such notoriety. Since our professor, who goes by the pseudonym Moderessor, the delightfully clever mashing of the Trade English words of "moderator" and "professor" mashed together with all the grace of smashing a russet and sweet potato together and calling it a new dish, had written a whole one paper on the Flow Rider Mans phenomenon based on the news articles that filtered out of Planet Dirt, the Terran Republic of Federated Planets, and across the connected galaxy without even finding the original reports or visiting the distant world himself, he was confident in his knowledge of Dirtlings and their culture. Surly such an educated being would be immune to confirmation bias, expectancy bias, and primacy bias. He was a xenoanthropologist after all. Consequently, he chose his opposing panelists for their popularity within humor metrics rather than something more useful like intellectual challenge metrics, or even diplomatic conversation metrics. This is why Doctor Mathew Fujioka narrowed his eyes when he saw what were the cultural equivilants of neckbeards with cheetah dust stained fingers across in the panelist sections of the overlay on his holotable.
Moderessor was confident that since the Dirtling didn't immediately flip him off, the suffering doctor hadn't noticed the calculated insult toward the first Human academic brought on to his show. He was after all, a published expert on Dirtling culture. So, he got on with the business of starting the show, which he'd deliberately scheduled to give the guests no time to establish rapport off-stream. In this case, it wasn't an insult but a new guest tradition, a sort of baptism by fire, or rather whatever his cultural equivalent idiom would be. "Hello and welcome loyal viewers," he began as Dr. Fujioka tried not to glare at his fellow guests, "I am you host, Moderessor, and I brought three fan-favorites for our panelists today, BigBeak4206969," the frame around an avian head with ruffled and unkempt feathers and a hooked seed crushing beak lit up helpfully, "1ngl0r1u5_tr4v3ll3r," a head that in all likelyhood isn't meant to have a folded ridge of fat drooping over its three eyes, or three chins under the meat tearing tusks drooping below its glistening lips was indicated, "and of course oo00_Unbreakable_Carapace_00oo," he finished as the last of the panelist frames helpfully indicated what Dr. Fujioka could only approximate to a beetle with peanut butter smeared on its mandibles and compound eyes. For the sake of everybody'd sanity, their screennames were all pronounced as if they were actual words and were translated when possible so the audience was spared the spine crushing cringe induced by reading out gamer tags aloud verbatim. "And now, for the first time as the contender," Moderessor lit up Dr. Fujioka's frame for the audience and said, "Matt."
This was another insult, that even the most drunken of the Flow Rider Mans couldn't help but notice, but even still one of the panelists, BigBeak4206969 helpfully pointed it out for the pleasure of the viewers, "Your parents named you carpet?! That's egg breaking stupid."
Moderessor was fully prepared to just lean back and enjoy an inevitable shitshow, practically guaranteed by such a profane insult to a Dirtling, but Dr. Fujioka didn't even flush with an amusing anger display. Instead, he coldly replied, "No, they did not. My name is Doctor Mathew Fujioka, and I allow my friends to truncate my first name. As we are not even acquainted, I will thank you to address me as Dr. Fujioka."
Chat was immediately full of vulgar insults directed toward BigBeak4206969, who had made the mistake of keeping a chat window open to enjoy watching the Human getting mocked on an interstellar stage. Therefore, he was very quickly flustered enough to press the attack, "Doctor Flower Ridge? And you think that's less stupid?"
Somehow, Dr. Fujioka spoke even more coldly, "I shall now inform you of the significance of the meme numbers in your name, Beak. Four twenty refers to an intoxicant plant imbibed via smoke inhalation and is associated with laziness and gluttony, and sixty-nine is a number that refers to a sexual position involving mutual oral stimulation of the genitals. If we're having a stupid name contest, I happily concede."
BigBeak4206969's feathers somehow looked even more ruffled, and he bobbed his head in agitation while Moderessor swooped in to save him, "No, no, we're not comparing our online tags in a cringe contest. Those of us who go by screennames or gamer tags know that cringe is pretty much a universal tradition. Since we're here to learn what the entire galaxy is wrong about and what you're right about, what this is depends mainly on you, Dr. Fujioka."
"My contention is twofold, in the first place my planet is not named "dirt," and in the second place, naming it "Earth" is not a uniquely human naming convention."
Chat exploded. Humanity, with the knowledge that their champion would be on, had a sizable chunk of the audience, so there were innumerable insults directed to Human coded screennames, while said humans voiced their anticipation of the upcoming intellectual slaughter with varying degrees of profanity. The legion of mods was hard pressed to keep the vitriol within the sites TOS, and on top of that the explanation of BigBeak4206969's name had attracted the pornbots. An absolute cluster. The panel was little better, since they simply howled with laughter as the Moderessor affected a dispassionate patience, which allowed him to keep up the appearance of good manners while still propping up laughing stocks for ridicule. To his, chat's, and the panel's chagrin, Dr. Fujioka simply waited with patience. Since the Dirtling had failed to live up to the racial stereotype, Unbreakable Carapace helpfully pointed out, "My translator just said that you told us that your planet is not named dirt but is named dirt."
"Dirtlings are like that," 1ngl0r1u5_tr4v3ll3r mocked smugly, "different hoots for the same rotted concept."
"Well you overblubbered space walrus, if we're going to drop any pretense at manners I'd suggest you clean the clam grease out of your whiskers before casting stones," he shot back coldly before going on, "We have many words with overlapping meanings, not multiple words with the same precise meaning, very much like the languages spoken by our esteemed host."
The Mods were timing people out as fast as their interfaces would allow, but the admin VIs still were attracted to the ensuing torrent of profanity and racial slurs brought on by a brief exchange of racial insults, and their banhammers were hot. It was the absolute best possible result for Moderessor, since the superchats were flowing so fast that even those couldn't be read with any reliability, his show gained twelve new sponsors, and his subscribers shot right past the hundred billion mark. That sapphire play button was finally his. These material facts made it rather easy for him to cordially say, "Indeed, the Humans are not the only ones whose languages have synonyms, a full thirty six point seven three nine four repeating languages catalogued have that very same feature."
Once again it was Unbreakable Carapace who filled the breach, "Please elucidate the difference between the words."
"Gladly, dirt refers to the loose mineral deposits on the surface of our crust, though it sometimes is used to include compounds including some biomass. Earth on the other hand encompasses all of the features of our planet's crust, and did so before we understood the makeup of our world. It is the foundation we build on, it is the fertile ground from which our crops spring, it is the rugged prairies that pasture our livestock. It is not just base minerals, it is everything beneath our feet."
Having somewhat recovered from his previous humiliation BigBeak4206969 essayed another jab, "So basically you're insisting that your planet's name is slightly less stupid than everybody says?"
"No," Dr. Fujioka said icily, "pay attention. First, I insist on the proper nomenclature, and hopefully the reach of this platform will help with the various translator algorithms and thus lessen the irritation of humans everywhere. Second I contend that the naming convention is common, rather than a unique example of Humanity's alleged stupidity."
"Name one other planet named after the ground," the disheveled duster shot back.
"Well, Oia literally translates to ground, if you use the same uncharitable standards applied to my cradle world. There's also Kendian, Reslon, Bvyourk, and Evamam, all of which are cradle worlds who's names can be translated as 'ground.'"
"Well that's not fair," Ingl0r1u5_tr4v3ll3r interjected, "Reslon doesn't just mean the gro-"
"Earth doesn't just men the ground either."
"Fine, fine, so there are other races just as dumb as dirtlings," the blubber mound retorted.
"Care to tell the audience what you hear when I describe liquid dihydrogen monoxide as 'water?'"
"Omunda, why?"
"Omunda is your cradle planet's name. You come from planet water."
"GO SUCK ROT DIRTLING!"
"Swim off some blubber."
Moderesser deftly muted Ingl0r1u5_tr4v3ll3r the very instant he began to screech in incoherent rage and flail his flabby fins around in a vain attempt to physically assault Dr. Fujioka. Chat mocked him without mercy.
Once again showing that she isn't an idiot, Unbreakable Carapace interjected, "Before you point it out, Bivna might translate to the word for insect nest in your language, since it can also be used that way in mine. However when referring to our cradle world the word is deeper, just as Earth is for you, Dr. Fujioka."
"Thank you Unbreakable Carapace, that's the main point I've been trying to get across. We didn't name our planet the way we did because we're the only spacefaring race to be actually stupid, it has the logical name for the first planet that we ever knew of, and named before we even knew what a planet was."
"Just like everybody else," Moderesser interjected, hoping to end the debate before Dr. Fujioka could go in go in for the cradle planet name kill shot, his own, Eio, which he had realized with horror translates to "place" in most languages. "Would you be amenable to returning to discuss the Flow Rider Mans phenomenon at a later date, Doctor Mathew Fujioka?"
"I read your paper on the subject, and to be frank, I'm eager to respond to it amongst a more… scientific panel," he replied with a smug grin that seemed to lord over the entire galaxy with Humanity's latest victory.

I've been NC with my NMom for 11 years, NC with NDad for 4 (but was NC or low contact with him pretty much my entire life, except for my childhood where he was a necessary evil I had to work through).
11 years ago I was in graduate school, studying for finals and managing a happy marriage with a 1 year old. I remember being on the phone with NMom who I thought I had a good relationship with at the time, and who was honestly my best friend throughout my childhood. While talking to her I complained of being tired bc of the baby and having a headache from all the material I was trying to shove into my brain before exams. In a nutshell, she started explaining how she doesn't understand why I would put myself through graduate school when it's obvious I can't handle it. She told me I should've listened to her when she doubted whether I had what it takes to get through grad school. It was the biggest lightbulb moment of my life. My whole life, up until that point, I struggled with self-doubt, and often didn't bother trying my best in school, hobbies, sports, anything because I didn't think it was worth trying since I wasn't as good as anyone else. My screenname for all my online accounts was "No Talent" spelled with numbers and symbols, and I thought it was a clever and funny way to say I was all about hard work and not natural ability, but the truth was that I used that screenname because I thought I was worthless/hopeless/a moron.
I went NC with her after a long conversation later that day with me trying to beg her to acknowledge what she had done to me my whole life, and of course she deflected and said her behaviors were just a response to who I was as a person.
Fast forward 11 years, I'm on the phone with my aunt yesterday who got married last week and I told her how even tho her ceremony was via Zoom it was really nice and that she looked happy and beautiful. I told her jokingly that she matters so much to me that I even risked running into my NMom for the first time in 11 years. She told me my NMom hasn't spoken to anyone in the family in a while and the last time she talked to my NMom they had gotten into a dispute over something my aunt doesn't remember, and my NMom said "I regret that [NMom's dad] petitioned you and [NMom's brother] to come to the States."
My grandfather petitioned for them to come to the States about 40...years...ago...
It was so validating to hear that my life really is so much better without her or my NDad in it. My successes and personal growth the last 11 years really did happen because I chose to live a better life for myself. I love that I don't have ANYONE in my life who holds their love hostage. I love that my son is now 12 and he knows 100% he is going to be loved and encouraged for the rest of his life. I will forever be my children's safety net and loudest cheering section, and I will never be a barrier to their success.
Hearing that from my aunt was more proof that going NC with my parents seriously leveled up my life and has made me a better husband, parent, and friend.
If you're thinking about going NC with your NParents, know that there will be days when you question your decision. You might miss the good times you had with them. Even 11 years later I'm constantly reminding myself that this is right and best. I promise if you focus on what makes you happy, there will be many many days you'll realize you aren't doing this for them and you will feel empowered. You're setting boundaries for you so you can allow yourself to soar without them holding you back.

Didn't know what to flair this as, but I feel like the validation was a move in the right direction for me.
I've been NC with my NMom for 11 years, NC with NDad for 4 (but was NC or low contact with him pretty much my entire life, except for my childhood where he was a necessary evil I had to work through).
11 years ago I was in graduate school, studying for finals and managing a happy marriage with a 1 year old. I remember being on the phone with NMom who I thought I had a good relationship with at the time, and who was honestly my best friend throughout my childhood. While talking to her I complained of being tired bc of the baby and having a headache from all the material I was trying to shove into my brain before exams. In a nutshell, she started explaining how she doesn't understand why I would put myself through graduate school when it's obvious I can't handle it. She told me I should've listened to her when she doubted whether I had what it takes to get through grad school. It was the biggest lightbulb moment of my life. My whole life, up until that point, I struggled with self-doubt, and often didn't bother trying my best in school, hobbies, sports, anything because I didn't think it was worth trying since I wasn't as good as anyone else. My screenname for all my online accounts was "No Talent" spelled with numbers and symbols, and I thought it was a clever and funny way to say I was all about hard work and not natural ability, but the truth was that I used that screenname because I thought I was worthless/hopeless/a moron.
I went NC with her after a long conversation later that day with me trying to beg her to acknowledge what she had done to me my whole life, and of course she deflected and said her behaviors were just a response to who I was as a person.
Fast forward 11 years, I'm on the phone with my aunt who got married last week and I told her how even tho her ceremony was via Zoom it was really nice and that she looked happy and beautiful. I told her jokingly that she matters so much to me that I even risked running into my NMom for the first time in 11 years. She told me my NMom hasn't spoken to anyone in the family in a while and the last time she talked to my NMom they had gotten into a dispute over something my aunt doesn't remember, and my NMom said "I regret that [NMom's dad] petitioned you and [NMom's brother] to come to the States."
My grandfather petitioned for them to come to the States about 40...years...ago...
It was so validating to hear that my life really is so much better without her or my NDad in it. My successes and personal growth the last 11 years really did happen because I chose to live a better life for myself. I love that I don't have ANYONE in my life who holds their love hostage. I love that my son is now 12 and he knows 100% he is going to be loved and encouraged for the rest of his life. I will forever be my children's safety net and loudest cheering section, and I will never be a barrier to their success.
Hearing that from my aunt was more proof that going NC with my parents seriously leveled up my life and has made me a better husband, parent, and friend.
If you're thinking about going NC with your NParents, know that there will be days when you question your decision. You might miss the good times you had with them. Even 11 years later I'm constantly reminding myself that this is right and best. I promise if you focus on what makes you happy, there will be many many days you'll realize you aren't doing this for them and you will feel empowered. You're setting boundaries for you so you can allow yourself to soar without them holding you back.

I'm into music and TV and movies. Food and sometimes video games. Self isolation, booo. I'm usually super social. I have pets, let me show you them!!!
I have geeky interests, hence Reddit. Look at how clever my screenname is...
(EDIT: Alright, just to save my inbox....everything above this line is /s.)
If you understand parody and are bored with banality well...Let me impress you with my own unique version of vapidity!

Hi! I’ve had the same gamertag/username/screenname whatever you want to call it.. forever, wanted a change. I’m in optometry school (and I’m a girl) lol. Any clever eye related suggestions??

As the Editor in Chief of Statler & Waldorf during what I believe are some of the incidents Dr. Jackson referred to yesterday, I just wanted to weigh in regarding what she said regarding the magazine and the "Brown Sugar" comment in her town hall.
I believe Dr. Jackson is misremembering things about that time in a way that is is denigrating toward S&W and the students that made the magazine a reality during that time -- although, I also can't quite blame her.
Unfortunately, I only caught the relevant five minutes or so from her town hall, but I just wanted to clear the air for anyone feeling as uncomfortable about what they heard as I am. (Probably this is nobody, but I take her comments seriously and earnestly, especially since it is relevant to the state of disenfranchised and underrepresented minorities in academia. This is something I care about.)
I think that she is conflating three separate events into one or two, none of which happened exactly as described.
First, Dr. Jackson refers to the magazine as having some sort of feature about the "'b___h' ratio", which she explains was the "ratio of women to men" on Campus.
During my time at RPI, there was a common phenomenon known as "RIBS", or "Ratio-Induced Bitch Syndrome". The implication being that, because of the ratio of men to women, it was easy for female students to act shallow, mean, (or otherwise "bitchy") to male students without facing any negative repercussions. Say what you want about this concept; it was a thing.
A female student who was a member of S&W organized, personally, a parody "protest" once or twice, on Valentine's Day, in an effort to "Stop RIBS". This was not an S&W event, by my knowledge, but the magazine may have covered it.
She states also that, along the way, S&W produced an issue with Dr. Jackson's photo on the cover of the magazine along with the caption "Brown Sugar".
To the best of my knowledge, this is blatantly incorrect. S&W, years PRIOR to the RIBS Awareness stuff, had indeed done a personal interview with Dr. Jackson called "The Other Side of Dr. J", which, if I remember correctly, basically recognized that she took a lot of personal flak from the students for her work as President of the university. We gave her what I hoped was a humanizing interview, where she spoke directly about some of her experiences. (This is as I remember it, looking back today.)
It did have her photo on the cover; it certainly did not have it labeled "Brown Sugar". When I graduated, there was, however, a signature on the cover of the copy that she'd given us, hanging framed on the wall of our office.
She's remembering a separate incident that definitely occurred under my editorship of the magazine. We used to have a throwaway aside in each issue called the "Fortnightly Field of View", wherein we'd come up with an amusing question and then pose it to friends of the staff or other random people hanging out in the Union at that time.
In this incident, the question was, "If Dr. Jackson had an AOL Instant Messenger screenname, what would it be?". Among the [probably] 6 or 7 replies we received and printed, one person suggested something like "BrownSugar69", and another offered something along the lines of "ImRichBitch!"
The latter is a reference to the [then-popular] Chapelle's Show, and also a relevant critique of the perceived inequity of her wealth compared to tuition costs. The former is a racially and sexually charged garbage joke that wouldn't be funny or clever coming out of the mouth of a person of color and, in my opinion, was entirely inappropriate for us to print. My recollection is that the staff consisted entirely of people of European and Asian descent at the time. Whether or not the joke is "acceptable" in some cosmic sense, we weren't really in any position to make it, as individuals, and again it wasn't worth making at all. I sincerely regret printing it.
I understand how we found it acceptable, especially given the Chappelle's Show, thing. Everyone dug Dave Chappelle at the time, and "brown sugar" is easily the kind of ridiculous offhand remark a Chappelle's Show character could've made. It probably would've been made in a more relevant setting, though. I don't see what Dr. Jackson's gender or skin color has to do with any of her or the administration's policies, and hence I find the remark to be simply hurtful and cluttering to the discussion.
After the fact, Eddie Knowles who (...I'm not sure what his position is now) was a high-ranking VP of the institute at the time, personally invited me into his big office in the Troy Building and asked me about the cover.
He told me that he found some of what we were writing to be offensive, and specifically opened the magazine to the Fortnightly Field of View I just referred to and read aloud: "Look at this -- you call Dr. Jackson 'Brown Sugar'?? What is that?"
I really had no answer, and agreed that it was a regrettable misstep.
He continued on, "And this one: It says, 'I am a Rich Bitch', that's not even clever!"
So I said, "Well, uh, actually, uh... It doesn't say, 'I'm a rich bitch,' it says, 'I'm rich, bitch'. Like what Dave Chappelle says."
"Well, nevermind, the point is that you're targeting an individual here. A person. And you're making personal, ad hominem attacks."
I was (and remain) a little annoyed that he didn't seem to appreciate the difference between calling someone a "rich bitch" and suggesting that they were so out of touch with reality to proudly declare "I'm rich, bitch!", but his general point stood firm.
S&W is and was necessary to lampoon the administration -- and really, everything that happened at RPI -- all the time, in a thoughtful, pointed way. I don't believe the administration appreciated that, and I do believe they were so insulated and out of touch with the student population as to make genuine mistakes in judgment about (in one way) the intent of the publication, and (in another, more odious way) decisions about self-agency of the Student Union.
But I also understand where they're coming from. I've never been black or female, and I've never had to face the institutional racism that I believe affects many of the black and Hispanic students that attend RPI and other overwhelmingly white/Asian universities. And given how distasteful I find "Brown Sugar" to be now -- and how acutely painfully she clearly remembers it, in 2016, I find it hard to blame her for remembering it that way.
Dr. Knowles told me a story about The Unicorn, a humor publication from before S&W's time, which actually DID get shut down, after toeing the line for many issues. Apparently the last straw was -- as he described it -- when they released an issue that was just basically photos of female students around campus, with accompanying captions just blatantly mocking their appearance. Obviously and egregiously inappropriate, right?
And so they're right -- she and Eddie Knowles didn't shut us down. I don't know if the intent was to scare us straight, but I didn't leave the meeting scared. I left feeling like we'd engaged in a dialogue -- something that is pivotal to the college experience, and additionally, the cornerstone of what Statler & Waldorf was made to accomplish in general.
Now, I hope they'll continue to have a discussion with the students, because if you don't use the right, you lose it. Even now, I can't help but wonder how much of what Eddie Knowles said about The Unicorn was true. Given how faulty Dr. Jackson's memory of S&W is, I feel pretty strongly that The Unicorn was probably at fault, but likely not so egregiously so.
Hence, I hope there will continue to be a dialogue between the administration and the students, and I hope a publication like S&W will continue to facilitate this. If there isn't, it's clear to me that all involved parties run the risk of misremembering history. And when that happens, people are just going to feel more and more self-righteous about their actions, without hope of questioning whether they're even based in reality.

Vote unknownScreenname for Secretary of The Button! I plan on increasing our numbers greatly! Everyday I see the numbers of our members increase, and that makes me so happy! Together with your help, we can make this place a new and wonderful community for all 60s! So when that vote comes up, vote for someone u know! Leave any questions you have here or on my AMA post!
Edit: Clearly my formatting skills are sub-par. I was trying to be clever but ya know, oh well.

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2013-11-15
Link to submission (Has self-text)

Questions	Answers
Best crowd heckle you've ever heard?	Heckles are never good, unless the comic asks for it.
	My buddies and I were at a show in college at Standup NY. The comic asked my fried Chris where he was from, and he said "LA". Three minutes later, he asked him again. Chris said "Still LA" and the crowd lost it.
	The lesson? Don't try to go into the crowd unless you have a plan, or are any good at ad-lib.
What's up Steve? I am a comedian from Texas who has followed you for the last year or two. I am looking to move to NYC to further my career. I plan on having a substantial amount of money saved before I move but I know that I will have to get paid work in the first year to make it work. If I have been doing comedy for 5 years and built a solid feature set how long do you think I could reasonably expect to do open mics before getting paid work? Lastly, how has your youtube success impacted bookings? Have you been able to leverage that to negotiate better deals with clubs? Has your increased success correlated with better turnouts at the shows?	First of all, do NOT move to NYC unless you're the best comic where you live. NYC is comedy mecca - unless you're killing it, and i mean REALLY killing it in your home city, you will be starting from the bottom of NYC. The best comics in EVERY scene move to NYC. Maybe you're that - but make sure of it. Don't just uproot your life because you're bored. Do it because its a smart decision. NYC ain't cheap. Recommendation is important, but it depends on who. There are some comics who are great on stage, but their eye for talent is terrible, or they're very nice and will recommend anyone. I have my guys who I listen to - everyone else doesn't really effect me. But a booker's rec is very important. "How long do you think I could reasonably expect to do open mics before getting paid work?" A long time if you're asking that question. Because, and I say this with love, it demonstrates a lack of knowledge of how NYC works. Paid work goes to the big guns, the headliners. Most of NYC is guest spots. And even the paid work pays very little. The road is where you make your money - NYC is where you showcase and where you hone your awesomeness. It usually takes 6-12 months to become a paid regular at ONE club, and that's if you're killing it. YouTube has changed me as a comic, because now I don't need clubs. I play rock venues and small theaters, and when I do play clubs, I get paid from ticket sales. When you have people coming to see you, you are no longer at the mercy of the club, it's the other way around. This business is, at its core, a business. And when a venue knows they'll sell $2K worth of drinks on a Wednesday with little effort, they're happy to have me.
"Most of NYC is guest spots" If you destroy on a guest spot would a club generally ask you to come back and do it several times before actually booking you?	Yes. Destroying once doesn't mean you're a reliable comic - it means you have the possibility of being one.
Hi steve. On YouTube I watched a whole playlist on you handling hecklers. You are a boss, how do you comeback at the hecklers so fast? And what is you're best/favorite heckler story? Thank you, big fan :)	Thanks! I hope I'm not too bossy.
	The heckler tricks: 1) don't censor yourself. If you're funny, let yourself be funny. That guy in your head who says "don't say this"? Kill him. 2) Make sure the audience hates them more than you do. Then they'll let you get away with anything. Don't pounce too quickly - give him the rope to hang himself. 3) Be witty. That one can't be taught. You just have to be a quick thinker. But the more you're on stage, the quicker you get.
What is your writing process? what do you think of comedians like bill burr or louis ck who never write anything down, they just work it out on stage? your favorite known comedian? up and coming?	I doubt that's true about either one - we all jot down ideas. But I also develop most of what I do on stage (after I write down the germ of an idea).
	My process is WAY different than it used to be. Now I write down points - just basic things I want to communicate to the audience, and then I write jokes around them. Like my 10 minute opening bit just came from me jotting down the words "being a parent doesn't make you special" - and then I just started talking about it.
Would you rather fight a hundred Daniel Tosh-sized Chris Farleys or one Chris Farley-sized Daniel Tosh?	That is amazing. And nice King of the Hill reference in your screenname.
	I'd rather fight one Chris Farley sized Daniel Tosh. Because not only is Tosh a pretty big guy anyway, but the Daniel Tosh sized Chris Farleys would all be pretty coked up. And zombies.
So you're saying i'd have won the album if i wasn't such a pussy, is what you're saying.	Yup. That's a good lesson in life. If you want something, the best way to get it is to try.
Hey there Steve! I only have one quick question for you: if you could get a robot arm tomorrow for free, would you have your arm surgically removed to get it? Now this arm is like Luke Skywalker robot-arm level. Like it's not just a hook or something and it's pretty badass looking.	Oooh. Probably.As long as I couldn't feel the difference. Like, if I tried to masturbate and it ripped my dick off, I would not want that. But if it could just make pullups easier, sure. Then I might actually ever do a pullup.
Have you and Larry the Cable Guy buried the hatchet and had beers together yet?	Well, I do not drink and he's a fictional character, so that would be difficult. But Dan Whitney and I have never spoken, aside from when we were ambushed on the same radio station at the same time.
	I would be happy to sit and talk with him with absolutely no animosity. I never meant to cause him (or anyone else) any personal trauma. I just wanted to VERY publicly disagree with what he does.
What makes you laugh?	I love clever. When I don't see something coming, that's what makes me laugh. Usually I can tell where a joke is going by the time it gets to the premise. But when a comic surprises me, that gets me almost every time (unless they surprise me by just how hacky they are).
Are you ticklish? If so where and are your feet ticklish?	Thanks! I love college humor too - mainly because without them, who knows if I'd be stuck at a desk somewhere (no offense to those of you asking me questions from your office) I am not ticklish because I choose not to be. Being ticklish is in your mind - you can just grit your teeth and deal. Also, I'm married and 34, so I no longer need that sort of stuff to flirt with people.
Have a wonderful weekend! Jo X.	You have a wonderful weekend as well!
You have to name your pinky finger, but you can't name it pinky. You call it...?	The Brain.
Have you ever had a heckler that you destroyed try to contact you / wait for you outside the club / etc?	My pleasure. Thanks for A-ing Qs!
	I have never had one wait for me. I had one threaten me a few times. My favorite was in Lansing, Michigan when one got kicked out. He yelled "I'll wait for you outside!" I said "It's December in Michigan, and I have another 40 minutes left. Go ahead and wait, asshole."
	Two other times, I had security walk me to my car. I can tell when someone takes it too seriously.
Why do you think people heckle?	It's a combination of ego and alcohol, but mainly ego. It's the mistaken belief that what they have to say is more important than anyone else in the room. When it's usually the complete opposite - they're yelling for attention because what they have to say is worthless.
	The people who can quietly know that life will come back around to them? They're the ones with the best stuff to say.
What ever happen to that National Lampoon sports comedy account that you use to run?	It was a syndicated radio short on 170+ stations, and an accompanying newspaper column. I ended it after four years because it just wasn't making the money I needed to run it. Too bad - that was a ton of fun.
Wasn't there [at ever happen to that National Lampoon sports comedy account that you use to run]some companion sports minute podcast or something too?	The Times was pretty cool. We were able to get a general announcement, but then they liked our story enough that not only did they give us another few paragraphs, but they also produced a video about us (Link to www.youtube.com.)
What's it like having your wedding announcement in the New York Times?	When on vacation in Budapest, we had someone come up to us. I assumed it was because they recognized me as a comic. Nope - they were a devout reader of the Times wedding section and recognized us from that. Which, if they're not married, is sort of sad.
What serves as inspiration for your material?	I write most of my stuff these days on questioning status quo - I like to find things that other people have accepted as truth, and find the reason why they're wrong. My main job is to notice things that other people don't. My mother used to call me with ideas for jokes. I had to explain to her that if she saw it, so did other people. My job is to find material 8 layers deep.
	But really, its just about paying attention. When people ask me where I get my material, I wonder why other people don't have theirs. Material is everywhere.
When people ask me where I get my material, I wonder why other people don't have theirs. Material is everywhere. This is one of the best ways I've heard this idea expressed. Comedic irony is a result of detecting inconsistencies with how things could or should take place. Anyone that thinks critically should have a few jokes up their sleeve. Are you coming to Vegas anytime soon?	Thank you. No Vegas plans as of now, but all I need is a bar or a rock club that wants to sell drinks on an off-night or before the late rush, and I'm happy to.
Steve, what advice would you give someone who is just starting with writing and telling jokes? I've been up at open mics recently and I really dig the rush of getting a laugh.	Get on stage as much as possible. There is no substitute for stage time. If you want to be a comic, then be a comic every day.
	Also, produce a show. Find a bar with a basement or a back room and promote your own night there. You will not only learn way more about being a comic when you're not worried about getting rebooked, but you'll be creating stage time for other people, which is both good karma and good for networking. And you'll learn about what goes into a good lineup - which will help you refine your own set.
If Rob Ford showed up at your show, front row, what would you say?	I'd ask him not to record the show, because once that stuff gets out on the web, it's there forever. He'd understand.
Who was the worst audience you ever performed for?	Well, here's a story about doing a show for the KKK: Link to www.youtube.com
	But really, its any show that the crowd has just decided they dont want to be there, which happens a decent amount. Or a terrible amount. I did a show recently where one comic brought friends - which would have been great, except the second she was off stage, they all started talking and texting. I finally had to say "look, whether or not you laugh at my jokes does not effect how funny your friend was. You're already here, so pay attention and fucking enjoy yourself."
	I'd like to say it worked. I'd like to say.
Did you know anyone in the entertainment business before you got started?	I got started in improv when I was 13, so thats a resounding no. But over the years, I've met plenty of people who have helped me here and there. Eddie Ifft introduced me to the Sirius exec that gave me my show. Jim Gaffigan recommended me to the booker of The Late Late Show. But that's how the business works - you get more opportunity from your colleagues than you do from your agents and managers. So the quickest way to advance as a comic is not to just be funny, but be a generally good person to be around.
Do you find that, because of your notoriety for calling out hecklers, they are becoming more common at your shows?	This is a question I've gotten a lot - I find it doesn't change anything. The people who enjoy my heckler videos want to see me destroy someone, but who wants to be that someone? I've had many people come up to me after a show and tell me they love my videos and it was great to see it happen live. I have never once had a heckler tell me they did it on purpose, or show any signs of knowledge of what I do. 100% of the time, hecklers are people who don't know who I am before the show starts, whether they came with a friend who does, or they just came to see "comedy" and didn't care who was on. Hopefully, that remains the case.
Yeah, that would really suck if people showed up just to heckle you.	Yup. But I like to think I'm experienced enough to figure that out when its happening, and then just get the bouncers to bounce em. I keep their ticket money, and they lose their little quest for fame.
What is your favorite tvshow/movie?	Currently, Game of Thrones. I also really love the Good Wife, despite their advertising making the show look like it's a silly soap opera. My favorite all-time is Seinfeld, nothing even comes close.
	Movies, my favorite is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I used to watch it every time I stayed home from school sick. That's why I named my 4th album Steve Hofstetter's Day Off and titled all the tracks with Ferris Quotes - it's my tribute.
I met you after your show at the Hard Rock and while you were extremely gracious and kind I was a gigantic drunk douchenozzle. So, 1. Sorry. And 2., What is your least favorite thing about the comedy club circuit and why is it people like me?	You'll have to narrow that down. I play a lot of Hard Rocks and meet a lot of Douchenozzles. But I'm sure its worse in your head than it was in real life. Unless you were the guy who kept yelling mean shit at me at the late show in DC. Then, yes, thanks for the apology.
	Actually, the thing I like the least about the circuit is how poorly some clubs treat their talent. That's part of why I play the Hard Rocks. I've done over a dozen of them and there was only one where I didn't immediately feel welcome. They go out of their way to make everything perfect for their talent, and its appreciated. What some comedy clubs don't realize is that if you spend $100 on food, drink, and basic hospitality, you'll get a comic's loyalty. And when they're big, you'll save about $5K on the price they charge other people. Seems like the math is worth it.
So, what's your favorite kind of dog? Any breed that you've never owned but want to someday?	While both my dogs are small (actually, one is tiny), I LOVE pitbulls. They are completely misrepresented and are NOT dangerous. You are WAY more likely to get bitten by a small dog, and most dogs classified as pitbull-type dogs aren't actually American Staffordshire Terriers, they just look like em.
	They are sweet and loving and wonderful, and the only reason why they get put into fights is because they are so loyal to humans, they'd do anything to please you.
	They are the most maligned and misunderstood. And every dog, regardless of breed, should be defined by how it acts, not how it looks.
	In other words, fuck Michael Vick.
Have you been able to pull new sorts of material from becoming a dog owner the last few years?	Yup. Been working on a chunk about pitbulls.
Agh! I hope I'm not too late in asking my question. I've been looking forward to your AmA for a while (you're the first comedian I saw live!), and I'm just now able to get on Reddit.	Thanks, and you are not too late.
I've always admired your skills with hecklers. Did you ever have a heckler get physical with you? I had my first ordeal happen last week, and it's gotten in my head a bit. Has a heckler ever made you rethink an approach or a joke in your arsenal?	I have never had a heckler get physical (I told the story of when it got close on another Q thread). But part of that is because I don't push it too far. I am VERY careful to read body language - and while I hit hard, I hit in a way that the audience is with me. Once someone yelled "I should kick your ass" and I replied "good luck getting through the 200 people who will kick yours for me."
Thanks so much Steve. Long time fan of your material and style, and I really look forward to seeing you perform again.	Every reaction I've ever gotten has made me rethink my approach - some major tweaks, some minor. If you're not constantly re-evaluating, you'll get stale.
You're to be executed at high noon tomorrow, whats your last meal?	Grilled cheese, a bagel with cream cheese and lox, a good steak, and a piece of cheese cake. Also, don't execute me please.
How often do you feel not funny?	Pretty often. People often forget that comedians are real people, with real shit in their lives. I know that when I'm in a good mood, I'm funny. And when I'm in a bad mood, I'm REALLY funny (because I'm way more cutting). But its when I'm in the middle, when I feel that sense of blah, that its hard to get to a funny headspace. My job is to push that aside when I'm on stage. But I certainly have days where its harder than others.
When are you finally gonna pull the Lehigh university energy shower handle??	Sometime in my life, I will pull that. When you get famous enough, petty crime is chalked up to "a publicity stunt" or "eccentricity". I will get there, dammit. And that handle will be pulled!
Do you like licorice?	I used to enjoy red licorice, but I've pretty much cut out extra sugar, so I don't do candy anymore. But black licorice was always terrible. Seriously, calling that candy is an affront to candy. How dare they.
How'd you get so many twitter followers even though you've never had a TV special before?	I've been "internet famous" for about 12 years. The original writer for collegehumor.com, the guy who broke the record for Facebook friends, etc. TV is not everything - its just a force multiplier.
Will you be joining the Reddit Secret Santa this year?	Nope. Hate Christmas. Always have, always will. When I was a kid, I was visiting my grandfather in the hospital. And a Santa came in to the playroom (you know, the place where children get distracted while their relatives die). He asked for all the good little Christian boys and girls, and then gave them presents. I figured as a good little Jewish boy, I was next. Nope! He walked away. He was proselytizing by bribing children. In a FUCKING HOPSITAL. My mom reamed him out something fierce, and got me a Shirt Tales game. Yes, Shirt Tales, that's how long ago this was.
	So in summary, call me the grinch, but I hate me some Christmas.
looks up proselytizing... Oh. Wow. Um, sorry? That got sad.	Hah - yes, if done right. My family is not the Martha-Stewart-Wasps that have everything perfect for thanksgiving. Usually there's a lot of yelling, and then my mother crying about how great the year has been. But one year, we were on our way to relatives when we got stuck in traffic, and with a car full of hungry kids, my parents decided to stop at a diner. It was the best Thanksgiving I ever had. Football on the TV, food that came all at once instead of drawn out courses, and we didn't have to clean up.
Uhh...but Thanksgiving though- it's great!, right?!?	As an adult, I've made that my favorite holiday tradition. Try a diner thanksgiving some time. You're welcome.
How did you get through the early days of being an open-mic-er who didn't get much stage time, or did you begin with a lot of time per week?	I was never an open-micer. For my early stage time, I was a barker in NYC, where I passed out flyers in exchange for being on the show. Pretty quickly, I realized that I could flyer people in to my own shows, and instead I started producing comedy instead of working for other people. In the first 3 months as a comic, I was on stage about 100 times, because I ran shows almost every night.
	The way you get stage time in this business is to do anything it takes for it. And once I did more for the show on stage than off, I didn't have to flyer anymore.
You own/part own the Laughing Devil (or used to, sorry I can't remember). What is it like running a comedy club?	I still do (I also own part of Morty's in Indianapolis). Owning a club is a TON of hard work - but its wonderful because it lets you really understand what goes in to the other side of the business. Also, the connections are amazing. Caroline Rhea recorded a video for my Fund Anything campaign, and that never would have happened if I didn't meet her through Morty's.
	The toughest part is dealing with egos. There are 52 weeks a year, and there will never be more than that. Yet many comedians think they deserve to be booked constantly. You could be awesome, but we can't book everyone - the math of it doesn't work out. When a club doesn't book a comic, they shouldn't take it personally, ever.
I see you are in the Seattle comedy competition, do you have to use different material for each show in the same round at the different venues? (Also congrats on getting 1st place so far)	Thanks! No, they let you do the same set, over and over. But the further you go, the longer your set. By the finals, you're doing 20 minutes so the rookies die off. Well, not physically, but you get my point. I mainly did the same set each night in the 1st round because it worked, so no need to change it. In the semi-finals, I'll be doing an expanded version of it.
	The Seattle International Comedy Competition is a kill-fest. Not much room for experimentation.
What's your opinion on the serious decline in quality in Collegehumor in the last couple years? I haven't watched in about a year but the last time I watched, Collegehumor had gone from one of the funniest channels on youtube and funniest websites on the internet to a mediocre website/youtube channel that had seemed to be past it's prime. Any thoughts on this?	I've been asked this question for the last 10 years about collegehumor.com and about my own writing. Whatever you liked about the site when you first liked it has changed, and that's the case for you, and for everyone. You have also changed. It's also the case for every mode of entertainment you like. Art reaches its prime for each viewer at a different point - depends on your taste and their arc. But I'd bet you anything that there are still elements of it that you'd love. (And I say that having only written for them a handful of times in the last few years)
Hey Steve, I've been a fan for years and was lucky enough to see you live when you came back to the Laughing Devil a few months ago. As a comic just starting out and trying to gain some footing, how do you know which clubs to try and maintain a relationship with and which clubs aren't worth trying to stick with?	The two things that make a club worthwhile are if they have good shows and how they treat people. The first one you can tell just as an audience member. The second one you can figure out pretty damn quickly when you're submitting to them.
Hey Steve, I've been following your videos for quite a while now, and I'm surprised that the format you chose to further your career has been working out so well for you. Why did you choose to pursue the "witty comebacks to hecklers" route? Thanks.	I didn't - it was totally organic. I post lots of videos, but the heckler ones get a TON of views. I dont post current material I'm doing (so that people dont get disappointed at live shows). So I post outtakes - and hecklers are just that.
Will you ever perform shows in the Netherlands? I hope to see you one day!	I would love to. It's not a super easy thing for American comics to get over there, as the travel alone is more expensive than most gigs pay. But if you know a promoter, club owner, college booker, etc that is down, I would enjoy the trip.
Are you the most heckled comedian of all time? Because of your multiple heckler videos, do people now come in more often with intent to heckle?	I am not heckled any more than any other comic. But I tape every show, and I also don't steamroll hecklers (when I hear something, I address it). That adds up to a lot of videos).
	I talked about the "do people come to heckle you in another answer, but lemme know if you want me to elaborate.
What's a story you've always wanted to tell, but haven't had the space to tell it?	I've been using the web regularly since 1994, so I've thankfully always had a forum for my ideas (Compuserve represent!). I have a bunch of short stories, poems, and oddities on my blog if you're curious: Link to stevehofstetter.com
Thanks for the reply man, I'll have another look through for your non-heckler ones :)	Agreed.
Hey man i invited you to play a gig at WVTech a few years ago, i doubt you remember me but you where a pretty cool guy when we talked before and after the show. :D.	Couldn't pick you out of a police lineup (TERRIBLE with faces) but I appreciate you for bringing me in. It does get very hard to travel - which is why so many of us are alcoholics. As John Pinette said, "when you have half a bottle of Jack in you, it doesn't matter that you're in a motel in Topeka". I am fortunate to be a pretty grounded guy with no vices (other than email). So I spend most of my day working, and the tough part of travel for me is just the physically exhausting piece of it. I can be very happy in a hotel room on my laptop. Like today, for instance.
Any thoughts on Lou Reed?	I think Walk on the Wild Side is a great song. And that is the extent of my thoughts on Lou Reed.
Are you enjoying Eugene?	Not yet, since I'm still in Portland. But I will be enjoying the hell out of it in about two hours.
Looking forward to the show! Hopefully they'll still be selling tickets at the door.	They will - we're about half sold out right now.
You had a bit in one of your videos about how you used to be obsessed with fighting games; are games still a guilty pleasure for you?	I did? I think you may be remembering a different comic. I played street fighter as a kid, but that was it. I did talk about old school video games and how much I loved Contra, but I was never huge into fighting games.
	I stopped gaming when they got too good. I have so much to do on a daily basis - if I also played video games, I wouldn't have time to eat. One day when I have a huge staff doing everything for me, I'll get back into em. But for now, I have to choose between food and games, I'll take food every time.
Well, if you still remember the konami code I count it as obsession :p.	Sure, its just not a fighting game (which is what confused me). I assumed you meant stuff like Mortal Kombat, etc.
When i saw you in memphis i didn't expect you to use it in so many of your videos. what was so special about the memphis show?	I was very loose that night, and the videos I post are when I'm off the cuff. I only post my rehearsed material after I do it on an album or TV. So when I did 45 minutes of ad-lib, that turned into a few solid videos. Part of it was the mood I was in, and part was that the crowd was into it (and I feed off your energy. As Scoot Herring says, a comedy vampire).
Off that topic, have you seen the pictures around the internet saying you look like edward snowden and you are him undercover?	Its an AMA. Everything is off-topic.
	I have. After I did a sketch parodying Ed Snowden. Three sketches, actually.
	If crazy people want to write crazy things, they're welcome to it. If someone tells me the sky is green, I don't bother addressing it.
So are you edward snowden?	Yes. I am a guy I only look sort of like.
Sorry to bug you, but I just had one more question. Was that lighting terrible or was it just me? I'd try to latch onto a premise but suddenly the dark blue would shine on your face and I'd sort of get disconnected from the bit.	Yeah, it was rock lighting - but as today is Diablo's last day of existing, I wasn't going to complain that they took some of the lighting down.
Have you ever sharted?	No. But every time I drive through Shartlesville Pennsylvania, I giggle.
What lead you to become a writer at collegehumor?	I was writing a column that I emailed to a few friends. I googled the words "College" and "Humor" and they came up. They were about 4 months old and had no original content at the time. I sent them my column and they published it. The other 10 sites I sent to didn't reply. And all of em are gone now, and CollegeHumor.com is worth many many millions of dollars. Just sayin.
I just thought of another question : Who's your favorite comic to watch live, here in LA?	Don't really have a favorite as there are so many wonderful ones and if I name a few, there's a hundred others I'd feel bad for leaving out. I can tell you that consistently, the shows where you can see some amazing talent are Comedy Juice (Weds at 8 at the Melrose Improv) and Chris Spencer's show at Inside Jokes (Fri at 9PM). And of course, my rStandup show (RStandup.com)
What's your opinion on the assman?	It has been well documented: Link to www.youtube.com
This is an FOIA request for further information.	That information is classified.
Have your videos production value gone down ever since the new YouTube layout?	Why would their layout change the production value of my videos? I'm a bit confused by the question. Has the layout changed the videos somehow?
Well, the new layout makes it harder to view your subscriptions.	Yes. But I'm not sure what that has to do with the quality of the videos themselves?
Sorry I was just wondering if your view count had gone down..	Oh, yes, everyone's has since some people left the site after the changes. Huge jump when the changes were made (people were curious) and then a steep drop off. Happens every time there is a big change.
	I was just confused by the words "production quality" because that usually means the quality of the video itself, not the traffic it gets.

Last updated: 2013-11-19 19:15 UTC
This post was generated by a robot! Send all complaints to epsy.

Hello.
I actually have met the vast majority of my dates, "casual encounters" and relationships through various dating sites all the way back into high school (late 90s). You know how dating/social sites come and go. I'm sure some of you were on HotorNot back in the day, FaceTheJury. I don't judge. The who, what, where and when don't matter for this story. It really is about the journey.
In my high school years ('98 to '01), I did only a handful of activities. Obviously went to school, worked a part-time job and scoured the internet for women to talk to. This was in the days of ICQ, the very beginnings of AIM, Yahoo chat rooms (and groups), and of course, "ASL?"
There were a couple girls from school I would talk to and opine after. I'm a warm-blooded male and I tried at the time. But nobody would really have me, that's how it goes at that age. More misses than hits. So instead, I had female friends who lived across the country. I would talk to them all the time. If not, everyday. I remember a girl named Mary from Minnesota. Her friend Rachel. Crystal from Mississippi. Laura from California. Like clockwork, we would check-in with each other almost every day. There was no possibility of sex. Talking on the phone was a sacred right. This maybe happened with only a handful of girls. It would take time to even consider such a thing. I hadn't even had sex yet anyway even if they wanted to. Sure, I wanted to get laid, but I was a chickenshit kid. It was just about the connection. It really was about friendship. Sure, maybe there was some cybering along the way, oh and don't act like you've never cybered before. Cybering was the predecessor to sexting. If you haven't sent a nudie of yourself on the internet and you're under the age of 35, well, I think you're full of shit.
To me, this (brief) era was a much better time to meet people online. In a way, that era was like our own personal old-timey Civil War soldier era where he's sending blood-stained letters from the front line. "My Dearest Clementine, It has been two fortnights since I've felt your embrace. How terribly I long for you. Your beloved, Clancy." You know what I'm saying? There was a time when people actually sent emails to each other. With paragraphs and everything. With a couple girls, we actually sent each other letters. Yes. MAIL.
The key differences all revolve around accessibility. There were no smartphones with instant email and internet at our fingertips 24/7. Some people might not check their email for a day or two. Sometimes people might not log on to AIM for a few days at a time. Nobody had a digital camera, or maybe your parents did so nobody had pictures. And why the hell would your mom lend you her digital camera? She'd ask why and inevitably you'd have to tell her you're talking to girls on the internet. That's a no-go. If you were lucky, you had a scanner. Or maybe your cousin did. And if you had any pictures at all, you had like two of them and if you were like me, you kept them on a disk, hidden, so as to not be found out by your mom. Even though she probably knew everything I was doing based on my browser history anyway. And that's another thing. Shared computers. Sure, now we've all got a phone, work phone, landline, tablet, laptop, desktop. It's fucking ridiculous. Back in the day, most every family had one computer that was all shared by parents and siblings. And it was probably sitting right in the living room or or some other non-private room tucked in the corner.
These roadblocks created opportunities to just talk to people. A lack of accessibility pushed people to just talk and sometimes, they would talk for weeks... months... years. Without ever meeting. A modern day pen pal.
By 2001 or so, most everybody used Yahoo or AIM or MSN or all of them. I was a freshman in college and everybody was using AIM like their own personal answering machine. Girls would give you their screennames at parties. Everybody's trying to come up with clever away messages. People would have their little profiles or subprofiles filled with song lyrics or links to their LiveJournals.
And again, there was just enough of a taboo about online dating where it was extremely uncommon, at least compared to today. This created a much slower dating process for people. And that's what it's all about to me.
Today, as some of you absolutely have experienced, people are in a rush. To meet, to text or to talk on the phone. They want to skype... Kik and whatever else. They want to meet up after two decent five-minute conversations. Maybe at that time, there's a little chemistry, a little attraction. But we've felt that a million times in our lives. What do you really know about this person? What do they really know about you? Why not give that person more time?
What happened to talking? Are we really so busy that we don't have time to talk? Exchange an email? Does our net have to be cast so wide that it's somehow easier to try to talk to ten suitors at once rather than just one? I understand that this isn't our first rodeo anymore. We're a little older. Maybe a little more jaded. Maybe one time that 22/f/FL was actually a 42/m/OH. These things happen. Maybe you don't want to waste your time. Whatever your reason is, it is selfish. Slow down. Cultivate your personality with someone.
Allow to me put it like this... If you're not invested in something, what kind of return do you expect? Do you remember what it was like to wonder about a person? To not Google their name the second you get it? A little mystery doesn't hurt. How can you wonder about someone f you've talked for five minutes and decided to meet for coffee?
Let life, dating, relationships, love. Let them all marinade a bit longer. Speaking only for myself and you can let me know if you agree... I want you to think about me and not 20 other people who you exchanged msgs with. If you want to talk to 20 people, that's your right, I just don't agree with it. Be deliberate. Pay attention. Get into the details. Be vulnerable and wide open.
Talk to me. Care to know who I am.

I fear the AOL screenname effect may be on the horizon for Reddit. Already I see that many usernames use numerals, which only start showing up if the user 1)has a username "root" they use for everything, which can be a common phrase; 2)the user is not clever enough to come up with a unique username, or 3)the user is clever, they are not using a common word or phrase as their username, but all their attempts at a username have been taken.
Having a limit on characters that allows two fairly long English words or several moderate-length English words (and some numerals) eventually severely restricts new users' ability to self-efface or self-promote, to express themselves in a way that can make us cringe, smile, or react in some way; usernames that themselves do not require a fair amount of karma-whoring to make any kind of impression are quickly vanishing.
Everyone remembers POTATO_IN_MY_ANUS, at least those were around for his reddit fame and infamy. Shitty_watercolor has made a little Reddit empire around merchandising. Yet scores of new users resort to random strings of letters and numbers, such as myself, or the very hypothetical g83h09hg9n, whose username could be a reality if some new user runs out of ideas.
EDIT: a fair number of shorter usernames are totally abandoned. This is certainly a frustration for new users who hit a character limit when trying to register.
I'm done grandstanding now; I just realized the minimum is 500 characters and not 500 words. But to conclude:
Would a rose by any other username smell so sweet?

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2012-06-08
Link to submission (Has self-text)
Link to my post

Questions	Answers
I'm in the hospital at the moment on public internet, and link to americayousexybitch.com is blocked for "pornography". Is this true, and if it is, how urgently should I get this book?	Depends how sick you are. If you're really sick, you should get it pretty urgently.
I've long followed your work. I also follow politics. Now that gap is being bridged and it's freaking me out. How closely do you follow politics, what did you learn in writing the book and what does America need at this point?	I follow politics pretty closely for a civilian. I learned a lot while writing "America, You Sexy Bitch." Mostly that our system is fucked. The problem, as I (and many, many others) see it, is that the bedrock of our system, representative democracy, has become so corrupted with money that we are slipping from being a democratic nation into being a corporatized nation. Corporations do a lot of things well, but not run nations, for obvious reasons. The first thing we need to do, above all else, is somehow disentangle money from our political process, at least to the extent that a few loud voices are drowning millions of softer voices. How do we do this? I don't know. But Citizens United and the like aren't helping.
Can you tell the difference between Butter and I can't believe it's not Butter?	If I can't believe it's not butter, then obviously I believe it to be butter, therefore it would be impossible for me to tell the difference. If I could tell the difference, I would know one of them to be butter and the other to not be butter.
Between movies, TV, books and podcasts, what medium do you enjoy working on the most?	I'm least known for this, but probably my radical feminist poetry.
How is your poison ivy doing? How'd you get it? Don't pick your nose or scratch your balls or try to get any ear wax out because I feel like those would be the three shittiest places to have poison ivy.	Thank you for asking about my poison ivy. My fingers have now stopped oozing pus and are now just kind of crusted over, which makes them less itchy. That's the good news. The bad news is I have it on my neck. The other bad news is all the massacres in Syria.
If you're in nyc, can we hang out tonight? i have no plans but dont want to stay in. just throwing that out there...	Absolutely. Meet me on the corner of 46th and 10th ave. tonight around nine. If I'm not there, it just means I'm running a little late.
Why did they cancel Michael & Michael have issues?	The traditional reason: not enough people were watching for their tastes. But fuck them.
Why were you so unhappy in this photo with me and my friends, given it was your birthday? Link to imgur.com.	I wasn't unhappy. If you look at the picture, you will clearly see that I was taking a shit.
MIB, I'd just like to say that your father's day story on This American Life was one of the most moving stories I've ever experienced and resulted in me calling my dad sobbing at 6 in the morning. How difficult was it to perform this story and how were you approached by TAL?	Thank you. I really appreciate that. It was kind of tough to perform because I'd never read that out loud before. I kind of knew Ira through a mutual friend, Mike Birbiglia, and he asked to read an early draft of my book, which I showed him. From that he asked me to do the piece for TAL.
I always wanted to be a C list celebrity. Any advice on getting my foot in the door? How does it feel to be less famous than Daniel "Douchebag" Tosh?	Let me tell you, the life of a C list celebrity is pretty sweet. If I want to go to an Applebee's, all I have to do is, literally, walk in the door. They seat me AS SOON AS the other people ahead of me are seated. So yeah, pretty awesome. To get your foot in the door: find a door, stick that foot right on in there.
Why do all of your shows keeping failing when you're so hilarious? You're doing it wrong.	You know what? I think maybe I care TOO much? Does that make sense? I think maybe I'm TOO sensitive?
Thanks for doing this, you doing Capt. Monterey Jack is one of my favorite sketches of all time! Before The State, what things did you do to get actively involved in comedy? Any advice for someone interested in comedy writing and performance?	I have only one piece of advice, which mimics Nike's advertising slogan: just do it. If you want to make comedy, make comedy. Nobody is stopping you. If you want to write, write. If you want to perform, perform. There are innumerable outlets for comedians, so quit being a little bitch and do it.
Do you have a feud with Daniel Tosh? I remember one time he made fun of you on his show for having a bunch of cancelled shows.	No. I don't know him. I think he was just making a joke at my expense. I didn't get offended or anything, though, because it was true. I do have a lot of cancelled shows under my belt. The belt I have to keep tightening because I cannot afford to feed myself or my family.
Did "the State" ever hear back from Chelsea Clinton when you tried to contact her?	We ran a train on her. It was okay.
I have a question for you..... Why do Comedians like yourself give quality jokes away for free on twitter?	Because, like oil, there is an endless supply.
How much for just a pee-pee touch?	I'll let you touch it for $35.00.
Do you and Bradley Cooper still hook up? Or was that just a beautiful, one time thing?	His lawyers have asked me not to talk about this topic.
How much of Mike and Tom Eat Snacks is scripted? You and Tom seem to go on such wildly coordinated tangents that are equal parts hilarious and bizarre. Anyway, big fan of all your work and just finished your book about two weeks ago.	Scripted: zero. We just turn on the little recording machine and start talking. So glad you like it, Matey.
Dear Michael, I am a boy. I think I am in love with a girl. What should I do? I've already asked her out. We will be going out tonight. How do I M.I.B the shit out of her tonight and see if she feels the same about me. Thank.	As you hold the door for her, wait until she is passing in front of you, then whisper the word "Anal?" to her. Frame it as a question. Her response will tell you what to do next.
How did your roadtrip/book project with Meghan McCain come about? Is she as down-to-earth and not-as-nuts-as-her-last-name-implies as she comes across on Twitter? Also, since you were part of MTV in the 90's, what's your take on the shitshow it has become now?	One night, I was on Ambien and got on Twitter. Saw that she was on too, and asked her if she wanted to write a book together. (We'd only met, one time, over satellite.) So we didn't know each other before we agreed to write "America, You Sexy Bitch." We just decided to do it on a whim and hit the road together for a month. And yes, she is both as down-to-earth and crazy as you would think.
If you could go back and do one thing over again what would it be?	I would probably take a little bit more time to answer this question.
How was working on "Tom Goes to The Mayor" with Tim and Eric? Are they as ridiculous in real life as they appear to be in their work?	They're pretty normal, down-to-earth guys. That's the misconception about comedians: that they're bizarre human beings. They're not. Most of us are pretty quiet and low key.
If you were asked to contribute a guest verse for any rapper who would it be and what would the first line be?	Yo, Ice, let's sing this. I'm gonna melt with you, Like Modern English.
When hanging out with your friends, what do you guys normally do?	This is going to sound weird, but we usually talk about you.
Michael Ian Black, you and 'the ole guys' with your shenanigans and hilarity from Stella made my sense of humor more acceptable in public and amongst friends. You are great and awesome for the NY comedy scene! My question, is there ever any hope of Stella returning? For anything?	Thank you. I'm sure Stella will reunite at some point to tour. We all like doing it, so when we all have some time, I'm sure we'll get together and hit the road.
Did you get excited when Meghan said she was strictly dickly?	Emailed her immediately to tell her how much I loved that.
How often are you stopped during a normal day? Are people usually polite or are they total douches?	People are usually very polite and respectful. I don't get stopped very much because most people do not know who I am. Which is upsetting. Especially because I wear a big pin that reads, "I am Michael Ian Black!!!"
Any new children's books on the horizon? Do they really take you 90 minutes to write? I always get a kick out of the videos you do for them.	Yeah, there's one coming out in September called "I'm Bored." And obviously I was exaggerating when I said they take ninety minutes to write. More like 60.
Your wikipedia page states that you are an atheist Citation Needed. Care to confirm? :)	My atheism is the quietest kind, the most mealy-mouthed, wanting-to-be-awed by a Creator, kind of atheism. I desperately want to believe in God or, more to the point, an afterlife. I just haven't been able to convince myself that such things exist. If I could believe, I would.
I think we all know who you are, but what are you about?	WHO I am is a comedian. WHAT I AM ABOUT is respect for women.
If you had to pit two people against each other in a monkey knife fight, who would you pick?	This is a stupid question: if it's a monkey knife fight, it would be monkeys fighting with knives, not people fighting with monkey knives. So if you're asking which monkeys I would pick, probably a couple of chimps or maybe a chimp and a silverback.
Oh shit, this may be the only time my username has ever been relevant!	I would say this is probably going to be the only time your user name is relevant, yes.
Speaking of my username, I was playing Modern Warfare on Xbox Live recently and some kid kept calling me johnnyqueerfags. I didn't have a comeback. Any advice for the next time someone calls me that?	As far as comebacks go, I would have said, "No YOU are."
How will you explain to your kids the gay sex scene in Wet Hot, before they're old enough to understand irony? Similarly, how will you explain some of your tweets...?	The gay sex scene isn't ironic. It's just a gay, irony-free sex scene. I will explain it to them like this: "I fucked the shit out of Bradley Cooper."
I just want to say that you were awesome when you eviscerated that audience member who called Obama "Hitler". Did you know that moment went viral?	Yeah. I didn't feel good about that. Was not pleased with my own reaction to him. I was immature and let my emotions get the better of me. Even so, I was pretty awesome.
What TV shows do you watch?	Mad Men, Game of Thrones, The Killing, Boardwalk Empire, The Yankees.
If you were financially set up for the rest of your life, how would you spend your time?	Assassin. Link to www.vice.com
Sir Michael Ian Black, what is your favorite type of cereal?	I guess, breakfast cereal?
Is Marc Maron as mean to you as it comes across? I'm a big fan of both of you, but every time I've heard the two of you together I've found myself liking him less and less.	Marc and I have known each other for twenty years. Our relationship has never been exactly warm and fuzzy but over the years I think we've grown to understand each other a little better. In many ways, we're similar. We're both neurotic, self-hating, depressives. The difference is that he's old and embittered whereas I am young and zestful.
How did you meet Tim and Eric - what do you think of their comedy? Also, is this now the preferred form of celebrities to interact with fans, because you can't smell us through the computer AND we won't take cell phone pictures of you?	I met them in Philly years ago when Stella was doing a show. They gave us a DVD of their early stuff and we all thought it was amazing. I could not be a bigger fan of those guys.
Just how close were you and the chimp from "Monkey Sports"?	That poor chimp. His owners were always yelling at him. His name was Murray.
What's the most you've won in a game of poker?	I won $40.00 once.
Other than Ed, everything I've seen you in has been Viacom related. Do they own you like Disney owns Selena Gomez?	Ed was also Viacom related. It's not that they own ME so much as they own the world.
So sharing an RV with Meghan McCain... would you do it again?	Maybe not an RV. Maybe a touring bus. The RV smelled like ass. (My ass.)
Did you really change your last name from Schwartz to Black?	Totally.
What is your favorite sexual position?	Dick in pussy.
2) Do you watch sketch comedy or stand-up? What's your favorite?	I don't watch that much comedy but there's so much great stuff out there. Children's Hospital, Community, Parks and Rec, Girls, etc. etc. etc.
Are you working on any film scripts at the moment?	Yes.
Have you ever taken psychadleics? If so, when was the last time?	It's been a while. But yes I have. If you have some, I will take them.
I loved run fat boy run, did you go to Simon with the idea or him to you?	I wrote the original draft, then he rewrote it to set it in London and also to make it better. We didn't really work together on it, although we did hang out a little in London when they were shooting and I wrote a blurb for his book. Honestly, though, I'm not sure he knows who I am.
What can we , as fans , do to encourage the state to reunite for a tour?	$$$
One time on twitter you changed your picture and I said your wife had a lazy eye and you told me I only had half a face. Do you remember this? It was September 2009.	That is a really good memory for me.
Meghan McCain seems lovely and pretty awesome. So...why is she still a Republican?	I ask her that every time I see her.
Who you calling a dingleberry? What did I ever do to you? Jerk.	I didn't mean you.
My fiancee and I have started watching Ed recently. You are really funny in it, good work! Did you have any career experience that helped you play someone who works in a bowling alley? *fiancee not fiance.	I've always been good with aerosol.
What is your view on meadows?	About twenty meters away.
Holy excitement, batman! I never give a hoot about iama's but you are a right sexy devil and a damn clever man. Where is your favorite place in the world?	Favorite place: bed?
Pretty interesting to see your diversity from Fox News early in the week to Reddit later in the week. Big fan ever since "IT"S COLDER THAN A DEAD PIECE OF VAGINA OUT THERE!" I guess the only question I've really ever wanted to ask you is do you like quacomole? Heard you did.	Great question: I DO like guacamole. Thank you for giving me a chance to finally get that out there.
I've heard you live in my general area (I live in Ridgefield, CT). Why?	I don't know why you heard that.
I know you and Showalter rip on Wain a lot in you Stella routines. Does this help relieve real frustration? Y'all seem to have worked together outstandingly for so long, I was always curious if this was the secret to the magic.	The secret is that we love and respect each other. Just like grandma.
I just wanted to thank you for getting me laid once. Some drunk girl said I looked like you. Thanks. By the way, I look nothing like you sir.	Cool. Can I smell your fingers?
This is the greatest bit of brain lightning I've experienced all day. You'd fit in awesome on the panel. I'd love to see the interaction between you and Paula Poundstone. I would vote for this.	I would just say something filthy and get disinvited. Then I'd feel bad. Then I'd cry. It always ends in tears with me.
I love you in the league, taco is so hilarious.	Thanks. "The League" is my best work.
I'M OVULATING. come over. do me the honor of having sexy children.	Thanks, but I already have two VERY sexy children.
Burning Love is amazing! You're my favorite person on that show. I can't wait for more episodes to be posted. Keep up the good work :)	"Burning Love" is a new web series created by Ken Marino and Erica Oyama. It's on Yahoo and, I have to say, hilarious. I had nothing to do with it other than show up and say the words they gave me. Glad you enjoy it.
Not so much a question, but as someone who transcribes closed captioning for a living, thank you for your ability to finish a thought.	This does not sound like a good job to me. Maybe you love it, I don't know, but it sounds tedious. What can I do to help you get a better job? If you need money for tuition or something, let me know. I'm not going to give you any money, but I do want to know if you need it.
Fact: When I was 14, my AIM screenname was MichaelIanBlkLvr. Can't believe I'm admitting that to anyone, especially Michael Ian Black.	Now everybody knows and feels your shame.
Sometimes i pretend you're one of my gay theatre dorm friends from college who say they're gay but always try to get all up on me - then i say, "oh michael, i thought you said you're gay" then you say "oh shut up and kiss me" well u know the rest. <3, kris.	Wait. Are you saying we can make out? Because I'd like to make out.

Last updated: 2012-06-12 19:29 UTC Next update: 2012-06-13 01:29 UTC
This post was generated by a robot! Send all complaints to epsy.

I'm 28, and like millions of other people, have spent most of my life (including my entire "adult" life) not having a single clue what I should do or what I should be or even what I actually wanted. A few minutes ago, while having an online conversation with my sister, it just came to me.
A little background: I've been in Malaysia since May 2009, living with my girl (who's Malaysian - I'm American), most of that time in Kuala Lumpur. I'm going back home (St. Louis) for four months beginning in mid-March, and she wanted to go somewhere special for a week before I left, and we decided on Sabah, a Malaysian state on the island of Borneo. The first full day we were here, we took a boat to one of the many tiny islands off the shore and spent the day snorkeling at the most beautiful place I've ever been in my life. I swam with a school of fish. It was awesome. Not "awesome" like that really great sandwich you had for lunch the other day. Actually AWE-some. Inspiring and whatnot.
The plan all along has been for me to take some classes when I return to Malaysia and get my TESL (teaching English as a second language) certificate and get a job teaching English. This will be almost certainly no problem, since I'm a native speaker, and, perhaps more importantly to the prospective employer, I'm white. Whether it should matter or not isn't the point. The point is that to most people here, it matters. They'd send their kids to learn English from a white man over an Asian without a second thought about it.
Anyway, after my experience the other day snorkeling, along with a life-long love of the beach and the ocean in general, something sparked. Sabah is infinitely more appealing to me than Kuala Lumpur or any of the other places I've been in western Malaysia - or anywhere, for that matter. I'll get my TESL cert. while living in KL with her mom where we've been living for most of my stay here, then find a job in Sabah or Sarawak (the other Malaysian state on Borneo). While working here, I'll take scuba diving lessons and work my way up in certifications to instructor. Then I'll get a job as a scuba diving instructor, and eventually look into the possibility of opening my own business. I even have a friend in KL who is an avid scuba diver and educated in marketing and business. He's thought about doing this as well, but can't tear himself away from the corporate bullshit. With a partner, maybe he'd be more willing.
This is the first time in over ten years that I actually know what I want to do, and the first time in my life that it's actually very doable. For the first fifteen years, I figured I was gonna be starting catcher for the Cardinals.
TL;DR: I'm gonna learn to be a scuba instructor, and I'm really excited about something for the first time in a long time.
BONUS: I've used the screenname skubasteve for years based on the nickname I had at an old crappy job (Sports Authority) I had around the time the movie Big Daddy came out. Maybe the girl who gave me that name tag wasn't trying to be clever, she was predicting my destiny.