Indrajaal successfully demonstrates the curtain of the misconception which is created by the Indian God Indra. The miracle of the net enables taming of the creatures and amassing the power to enslave and command other living beings by bending their minds. In the ancient India, Vashikaran was the great technique that used to be the ruler’s and suitor’s invincible tool for gaining power over another person along with the help of the mystical ways. Sur Indrajaal Vashikaran includes the mind, emotion, relationship, and magical event manifestation through the using of mystical or supernatural powers.
Indrajaal Vashikaran
Origins and History
Indrajaal Vashikaran is believed to have been born in the Indian lands from the very ancient times. When the wandering sages and saints invented rituals, sorcery, black magic and charms, they intended to gain mastery over the happenings and people. Also, the Hindu holy books and texts as well as the ancient western spiritual traditions present such references as to mind control techniques. Through generations, the masters of the hidden vashikaran, handed down the techniques that were based on oral communication which was guarded day and night until today.
Back in the medieval ages, kings and rulers wanted to be the magical masters to do yog sadhanas and control their enemies. Myths describe us of their special rituals which are reserved for powerful witches of their tribe used dolls, artifacts, gems and herbs. Kath Bahador was even a court astrologer of the emperors of the Mughal dynasty, who was full of magic and mysticism that was used to gain access to their superiors.
Not only the smart people could communicate with the spirits using such spells. And outside the professional level, people too experimented: for instance, to repair their love, relationships, riches, and success, they used vashikaran. The last variable we can mention is the esoteric science of Indrajaal Vashikaran which is the most used science in Indian subcontinent.
How It Works?
Indrajaal Vashikaran is based on the idea that there is a cosmic energy that binds everything in this universe together. Through meditating one could achieve this by unconsciously concentrating all one's spiritual power without following any specific types of poojaas, havans, rituals or the meanings of the mantras and other objects to the desired person.
And so, one can assert that social interaction is not merely about picking up someone's belongings such as hair, nails, or clothes but it also involves an act of ritual in which the energy linkage is believed to be formed. Not only the services of phantom chants, yantras, crystals or photographs but also they play an amazing role in this process. I through equal parts of devoted belief, visualizing images vividly, and praying to either gods or their opposites, the process of shrinking the will of the other person begins.
The Practitioners
There are people who are born to be good practicing black magic in some parts of the country and are known to be Vashikaran specialists. They are known as masters of the mental manipulations. Many let the word vashikaran be associated with them and others take baba, guru and magicians as conjurers and shoddy magicians. Apart from them different assemblies and love spells employ the same methods such as tying lemons, chilies, using ashes and so on.
When it is about the extraordinary means to make a living and the turning points of one's career, one may need to be informed with something specific and personal only. These tantriks are the invisible asset in the policy of the conspiring politicians during elections in favor of their desirable candidates to produce a satisfactory result. Altogether, there are ornaments that have privacy related to gemstones, rudrakshas, money, wealth, and relationships.
In this area there exists the misgivings of frauds and cheats where a person promises something that never happens. To have entanglement with a good person right from the beginning is vital if you are going to look for a vashikaran specialist.
Controversies Around It
In spite of the fact that astrology has been practiced for many years, this conflict remains an issue whose point of contention is just as valid as always. The argument put forth by her opponents is that it is unethical magic, which is manipulative and is performed against the person who has no free will.
Furthermore, the instances of people being financially abused to think that vashikaran is a technique which can be used to control others are now many. The lady is involved unfairly in the Vashikaran which she has nothing to do with rather she is the one that is charged with the serious accusations.
But, they admit that the Olympians do not interfere with someone's being or fate unless needed. This is how they see it: undoubtedly the use of one's brain, desire, and lead conduct into the way another person think. A child thinks about a parent the exact way as a parent thinks for a child. Teachers play a central role in a student's achievement helping them gain more knowledge.
Those participants treat each other imaginatively as they can just to please one another. We can say that vashikaran is a concentrated form of this nature power that can be described by the metaphor in the poetic form, manifesting in the physical and mental levels both of the sorcerer and the target person.
The offbeat element of Indrajaal Vashikaran has been to inspire my thinking with attention for a long time. The same thing applies to both the small and the strong powers; they must rely on wisdom and caution so that the evil of good is not done.
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Chapter 1: the event
It was the fall of my intern year as I bean my off service trauma rotation. This month was ubiquitously notorious for being the most labor intrusive and least productive rotaion of our emergency medicine program. Knowing this I entered with the intention of simply surviving the month.
Another intern and I let’s call them A for sake of ambiguity, we’re the first emergency medicine residents to roste on the trauma services that year. A shaky start would be an understatement. In the words of chance the raper “like my grama with the Parkinson’s playing operation.” Would better describe it. Medically we did well. We were very competent and completed our work daily, but communication and coordination was non existent. Our Cheifs had informed us that Tuesday was our day of and the Trauma cheif residents had minimum communication with us, or our Cheifs as it seams when A and I did not report on Tuesday they sternly made their dissatisfaction known.
I have struggled with insomnia sense the age of 10. Had 2 sleep studies by this point in my life and been prescribed nearly every sleeping aid on the market. The 80-94 hr work weeks of our trauma rotaion only worsened my insomnia. My lack of sleep likely contributed to a less than prime adaptive immune system and 2 days out of my trauma rotaion I contracted strep like symptoms with associated nausea, requiring me to call for a sick day the next day. No the first day that I felt too ill to work. I was not fully aware of the reporting process. I reported to my Chiefs, but I did not believe I could come to work tomorrow with amble time and notice, however I was somewhat delayed in letting their Cheifs know, because the surgical chiefs rotated every few days and I did not know who my was going to be the next day. The second day which I had to call out sick I was able to locate the cheif for the next day and reprot according to our university’s protocol, which requires that if a resident feels they are not fit for work they must not come in and the university must have staff coverage without any fear or implementation of punitive actions.
I had finally survived to the last week of my trauma rotaion and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I could not see was the pile of stress, shitty diet, lack of mental well ness and sleep deprivation which I was pushing down to reach the light. By this time I had seen a psychiatrist regularly for sleep medication. I had mentioned to him that I had been experiencing more stressed lately and feel that I might be depressed. he reassured me that it was likely only due to my circumstances, given the difficulty of the trauma rotation and wish to reassess once the rotation was over. Looking back I had to fill the habit of drinking more than I usually do. My only on nights before I have days off became 1-2 beers every other night. All of this repressed unhealthy shit finally pushed bad on September 23rd. That night I was at work even later than usual, I stayed up later than usual and couldn’t seem to fall asleep. With the stress of only having minimal sleep and knowing I only had 2 more days of trauma left, I took an extra dose of my sleeping medication.
I opened my eyes to the fighting sight of sun beaming in my window and I instantly knew I was late. (Sense I hadn’t seen the sun in a month) . Due to my need for scrupulous sleep hygiene I have been sleeping with my phone of and away for me. I rushed to grab it and watched as the little Apple logo seamed to glow on the screen for an eternity. Then in conjunction with its fading I saw 3 missed calls from my director, a text from college A and 2 missed calls from the surgical director. Still, I was able to calm myself, knowing that resident A had been late to this rotation by a few hours 2 other days and nothing came of it. I called my director back and he asked me to report to his office where I was greeted by my director, my coordinator and another emergency medicine facility.
With the only explanation of: “we just want you to get better”, I was handed a letter, to my relief it did not entail my termination, but a declaration of administrative leave and a requirement to undergo an evaluation at a well known university in Florida.
Lake any other savvy millennial, I did my research. By research I mean numerous google searches and screeches thru the depts of redit. To my dismay I discovered that in order for a residency program to fire you, they must first initiate an administrative suspension. I would soon find out however, being terminated would have been a delightful outcome compared to what ensued.
I spend the next few weeks in the wallos of regret and depression. I indulged in higher qualities of alchohol then I ever have before. I all but ceased communing with peers, and abruptly stoped any physical activity I had once enjoyed. Frightened as I was I was ensured, it will be ok “we just want you to get better”
Chapter 2 The evaluation : guilty until proven innocent I did exactly as instructed and scheduled an evaluation, I supposed that this was either a mental evaluation to assess if I’m fit for work with plans of termination or it actually was an evaluation to better treat my insomnia. To this day I regret my ignorance, and wish I had researched the process more. The Hindi / sand-skrt idea of Hamsa 🪬 is that in order to do any good you must have full knowledge or else good intentions can result in harm. I truely believe my director had good intentions, however but him and I did not have full knowledge of the nature of this evaluation.
Looking back see how easily I could have avoided my troubles by asserting legal aid at this point or even by researching this evaluation process more in depth. If one searches impaired practitioner program which I now know this evaluator works for, the search entire will populate 5 or 6 layferms along side their home website and there is a valid reason for this.
If one every finds themself in this process I employ you to bring a DSM to your evaluation or at least be familiar with the most common use disorders in the DSM-5, because your evaluation will turn into a dance of questions where the evaluator attempts to trap you in a round about way to stating something that may qualify for one of the diagnosis. I have provided an image from the DSM-5 below outlining AUD, which the evaluator concluded that I had the most severe from:
Image
Example***** Here are 10 examples of how he fraudulently assessed me taken directly from his assessment note.

1. Evaluator: Have you ever stoped drinking in the last year.

Me: yes I stoped every week day, I was only drinking on the weekends, until two weeks ago.
-Evaluator uses stoping and starting every week to qualify for 2 or more unsuccessful attempts to stop in the last year “There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.”

1. Evaluator Have you ever had withdrawal symptoms

Me no
Evaluator Well Have you ever had a hangover? You know that’s a from of acute withdrawal
Me: yes in college, I had a few but that was years ago and I’m pretty sure the pathophysiology is different.
Evaluator uses this to count for withdrawal symptoms even tho is was more than a year ago

1. Evaluator: Have you even taken your sleeping medication on a day or night which you drank? Me: Yes, I took my prescriptions are prescribed but I never drank close to bed

Evaluator: qualified this as dangerous behavior with alcohol (where the DSM gives examples such as unprotected sex and drunk driving). The sleeping medication I was on is not a benzodiazepine therefore it is not deadly with alcohol. I personally have seen many patients in the ED who have taken their entire bottle of the medication and drank copious amounts, we just monitor them over night and rehydrate them

1. Evaluator Has anyone told you you drink to much or been worried about you Me: No I drink much less than my friends

Evaluator what about your girlfriend? Me: well she actually doesn’t drink at all she doesn’t like it. She often buys me beer for The Weeknd’s tho. One time we went to a movie and she got a little irritated because I waited for beer then complained about them not having any craft beer. So she said, “you couldn’t have just said no” and drank something else. However, she apologized after and said it’s worth waiting if it’s my only day off.
Evaluator said this qualifies for continued drinking despite causing significant relation consequences, ie divorce.

1. Evaluator : you have sleep issues I hear, and your chart says you’ve had depression in the past, don’t you know that alcohol can effect your sleep and mood Me: yes that’s why I never drink within 3 hours of sleep.

Evaluator but you knew this and still drank
Evaluator: qualifies for drinking despite unwanted physical or psychological effects (this should be recurring to effects the alcohol is causing, I have had insomnia sense the age of 10 long before I took my first sip)
7 evaluator you were late for work and told my you had a drink the day before
Me: Yes but I was late because I didn’t sleep and took double my sleeping meds, I will never do that again
Qualifies for 2 significant work or school issues in the past year ( a therapist and other psychologist ensured me that being late on or a few days doesn’t count they typically are getting fired or failing) ( moreover, this would assume I was late do to drinking it’s self and also assume if happened more than once)

1. • Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended

He never once asked anything related to this question yet said I qualified in his final report 9. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects. The evaluators logic here was sense I was late for work and I had 2 beers the day before I must be taking long to recover from it (this is assuming I missed due to alcohol)

1. Tolerance drinking more to require the same effect: this he checked as true in his final note however it was never even discussed in our evaluation. I did mention to him that I’ve been drinking more than I had earlier in the year frequency wise, but they said nothing to do with quantity or needing more.
   
2. Wanting to drink so bad you can not think of anything else: this is the only qualification of SAUD my evaluator said I did not have.
   

Moreover, without legal help I was not aware that I could obtain a second evaluation or even oppose going to get evaluated at all, but that wouldn’t have mattered seeing I still thought this was for my health and wellbeing as seen when I was asked why do you think you are here to today, to which I replayed “so that I can be evaluated to see what is needed to get back to work”.
To maks the ordeal more infuriating the evaluator continues to ingratiate himself and lie through the process telling you, “it will be fine as long as you are 100% honest”, “anything you say in here is between you and me” or “you slipped up once with your meds, I know your residnecy program they will probably just want a few more out patient tests”
Two weeks later I received a phone call right before I left for an out of state vacation to visit my nice for her birthday. During the call I was informed that I would be required to complete a partial hospitalization program (PHP) lasting “6-10 weeks” which would coast from 15-50 grand not including doctor visits or housing which is billed separately. I suppressed this inconvenience, enjoyed my vocation and reported when I returned, knowing that I must complete this soon so I may return to work with due to the fact that my payed time off would soon be diminished. At this time I had not yet heard of the organization PRN.
Chapter 3 Guilty till proven innocent: The diagnosis
Shell shocked I arrived to a in patient psychiatric unit and was rapidly cleared to progress to treatment without detoxification. During my 90 day of forced rehabilitation I met a few other individuals who were unjustly and fraudulently forced into treatment. I began to look up to one of these such members of the men’s community, who I will refer to as patient X for ambiguity sake.
Unlike me patient X did have alcohol use disorder. He spent many clinic days drinking to avoid alcoholic withdraws. The curious component of his story is that he admitted his depravity, saught help and through his own journey became sober. The bodies at be, namely his local physician, Health monitoring program, rejected his personal path to sobriety and forced him to undergo 90 days of in patient treatment before he could practice medicine again. When he checked in to rehab he had been sober for over a year.
Ask for Stories of people from online
As for me I spend many sleepless nights pondering how consuming a legal substance in a moderate amount could throw me into significant legal financial issues. My labs my toxicology, my story and my collateral from colleagues from colleagues all indicated light to moderate alcohol use but my evaluators word stood as the word of God.
More frightening was the director of this rehabs acknowledgment of this. The director who happens to also coincidentally be the evaluator, stated to me as well as to staff on multiple occasions: “ I suggest inpatient treatment for everyone who is reported”. “This is safer for me not to miss anyone who could harm patients, and I figure there must be a reason someone reported them.”
I am still elucidating the reason why I was determined guilty and proven innocent, however I can say from my 90 day stent that the majority of the patients at this rehab needed to be there. This program is saving lives of both providers and patients, however it is destroying the lives of those wrongfully accused.
Chapter 4 your lisense rehab or jail : Upon arivil I was sent to a detox hospital underwent a medical examination and was “one of the lucky ones” who required no detoxification and could report directly to PHP. Like everyone else, I spent 90 days in a PHP, being as 6-10 weeks is simply a lie they tell patients to decrease the change of resisting the treatment. When discussing the topic one therapist sated “if we told patients 90 days they would never come.” She then attempted to justify the treatment by outlining the story of a patient she had called who “didn’t make it to treatment” and killed themselves”. It is my belief that it is not the lack of PHP which impelled such professionals to take their life, but them realizing that they now will be obliged to undergo 90 days of PHP, 5 years of PRN monitoring with a loss of autonomy and hundreds of thousands of dollars taken from them that induced their hopelessness. For even if these professionals were truly mentally unstable in their addictions, in every case it was only following a phone call where they were informed they must undergo treatment that they took their life’s. By this time I still haven’t the slightest clue what PRN was.
Despite the security these programs provide for many my 6 main issues with them can be summarized in : 1. Kick backs: evaluators are directors of treatment clinics 2. The reported are guilty till proven innocent 3. The price, the overflow of money these places drag in from both patients and state universities is appalling, they charge separately for every visit and test 4. Although they make the claim that they are individualized, they are anything but. Every patient gets the same stay and treatment from the doctor drunk on the job and the one who was late to a shift 5. They force voluntary treatment. remember that friendly evaluator who promised he had your best interest at heart, so you opened up and told him everything about your substance use/ developmental / family history, well if you don’t stay for 90 days he will be “normally obliged” to tip the board of medical off to you.

1. The programs have overstepped their intended jurisdiction. -these programs work well if they function how they were intended at their inception. Cite original purpose. Originally these programs were designed to protect physicians and civilians from impaired practitioners; being healthcare workers who were impaired at work. Over the years, these organizations have extended their authority to encompass individuals with substance use disorders When not at work and also those who are in training to become healthcare professionals. Take for example myself compared to a physician who is impaired at work. A doctor who arrived for duty under the influence would surely benifit from the extensive testing, therapy and accountability enforced via these programs. In accordance the 20,000$ per year cost is appropriate when only making up roughly 7% of their yearly salary vs nearly half of a residents. In my case with my loss of income from employment, coast of treatment and monitoring, this year I will be required to pay 20,000$ to work. Yes, I will be losing money to work. Even if did indeed have a substance use disorder this level of monitoring wouldn’t not be considered appropriate.

Dispite all of the miscomings of this System My time spend in PHP was indeed helpful, as I believe it would be for anyone. Time for exercise, a reprieve from work and weekly counseling. A sample structure of my day to day schedule is provided below for insight:
Structure The general structure of these rehabitation centers is as follows: 1. One week of orientation phase, where you are not allowed in electronics or contact with the outside world world. Therefore, if you’re going, bring some things you would like to read or study. 2. In phase 2, you can use your phone however you cannot leave campus. You must stay in the dorm on campus. These shitty 1 room run down apartments with two other roommates will cost you about $1000 a week, they are required for at least four weeks and they are billed separately, no insurance will help you out here. 3. In phase 3 you can commute to campus if you beg your therapist and live very close. Whether you’re on campus or living off-campus, you are allowed to leave up to four hours per day. If you commute, you’ll be required to take a sober link decide you must Breath, alcohol test into every 6 hours. Like everything else in this program you must pay for this separately, a few hundred dollars a week. You advanced to other phases by completing assignments, however, assignments are limited by required built-in time, intrusive, scheduling, and reviewing. Therefore, if you do everything as rapidly as possible phase 1 will take one week phase 2 will take three weeks.
Every day schedule:
7:30: wake up, report to the front desk to inform them that you haven’t ran away yet and take and prescribed medications. They keep all your medications and require that you report to take them; for me this was antidepressants in an attempt to dispel the depression I contracted from being forced into treatment and whatever off label medication they were attempting to treat my ADHD with, since control medications were forbidden.
8 am: community group assessments This consisted of other patients presenting their assignments amongst the large group, on the weekends this was often an hour later and 12 study regularly took the place of assignment presentation.
10 am: process group. This was a two hour group therapy session with 6 to 12 other professionals in a therapist and training or occasionally a licensed mental health therapist.
1 pm: recreation This was generally about an hour of some sober themed craft or activity. Once a week this time slot was used for yoga.
2 pm: this was another time slot used for patients to present assignments as well as for individual therapy sessions. Each patient had one individual therapy session lasting 30 minutes per week.
3pm: This was time allotted to work on assignments or go to the gym on your sex specific scheduled gym day.
5pm: this time was used for guest speakers or another 12 step study group.
6 pm : this was generally an off-campus 12 step group
10 pm: report to the front desk and let them know you still haven’t ran away and take and Medication which are prescribed to take at night, then return to your cot bed in your room with 1-2 other roommates.
I found the community to be one of the most beneficial aspects of the PHP program. I was in a cohort of chill ass professionals of the same occupation who were always there to help each other.
Assignments The curriculum of the PHP consisted of assignment based on every step of the 12th step program. Generally, a patient would be required to complete an assignment on their own, review it with other patients, then faculty and finally present the assignment in front of the whole treatment group. You’re only given one assignment at a time and there are multiple steps to each which all requires scheduling this ensures that no matter how determined a patient is a full 90 days of treatment is required to complete all the assignments.
AA structure -the obsolete nature of AA has been verified in numbers studies, but I will refrain from divulging here and lend that endeavor to Dr. Lance Dodes very thorough discussion on the subject,in “the sober truth “
In all sincerity, if I truely did have a severe use disorder this experience could have been life saving. I only wish I could have used my 50 grand for someone who has spent their life time In addictive without reprieve. My first conversation when I was given my phone back was how I wish my father could be able to attend this PHP.
Chapter 5 reporting and PRN Self reporting What they ask you What you should tell them
There’s a third-party agency called professional resource network. Every state has their own. This agency works as a liaison between you and whatever credentialing service your occupation requires. Essentially they ensure your monitoring after treatment. Stake governments and licensing boards trust them, mainly because they monitor with the highest level of intrusiveness. This alleviates much work for state governments and licensing boards because once an individual is being monitored by a professional resource network, then they are deemed appropriate for duty and no further investigation/litigation needs to occur, as long as the monitored individual completely complies.
Because I was never impaired at work I was never reported to this agency. The general workflow of things someone would report you to professional resource network, then the resource network would contact you, and then you would be required to report for an evaluation at a treatment center, which would inevitably result in a suggestion I’ve treatment at that given treatment center. In my case I was sent to the treatment center without PRN being involved. Thus, two weeks into treatment. I was notified by my therapist that I needed to call PRN and self report. I attempted to resistance given that I did not have a problem and was not individually seeking help. I asked what happened if I didn’t self report. I was told that in order to stay in the treatment program I had to report to PRN. This meant either I report to PRN or I get kicked out of the treatment program and lose my job.
When you report to PRN they will ask you why you are in treatment. They will then list off every substance imaginable, asking you if you have ever tried the substance and when your last use was. Ultimately, they will obtain your discharge information from your treatment center, so it is in your best interest to report only what was found in your biochemical testing. If it wasn’t in your hair, I would argue that you don’t have a use disorder regarding that substance and it’s not relevant. I don’t believe it’s important for them to know that you smoked weed when you were 12.
Chapter 6 The contract:
Before being discharged from a treatment facility, a professional resource network will have you sign a contract. A little known fact which I was oblivious to is that contracts can be negotiated. Though this isn’t it possible, it is highly improbable that you can negotiate your contract since PRN has a power to delay your clearance to return to work.
Contractor almost never personalized, and I have not heard of a contract which is not a five-year agreement. You will sign releases of information so that PRN has access to all of your information which was gathered at the treatment facility. You must have a therapist, psychiatrist, primary care, doctor, and a addiction, medicine psychiatrist. You assign releases of information for all of them. You will be required To commit to: 1. three mutual aid meetings a week which you must log. I log smart recovery meetings. 2. Weekly therapy sessions with an approved mental health therapist from their list 3. Monthly doctors appointments with an addiction medicine psychiatrist 4. Yearly appointments with a primary care physician 5. Monthly appointments with a psychiatrist 6. Daily check-ins on a random drug testing app ( you will agree to weekly urine tests, a peth test 4 times a year, a hair test twice a year and a little caveat that says anything else they deem, clinically reasonable) 7. Quarterly update reports which you are required to obtain from a workplace monitor, therapist, addiction, medicine, psychiatrist, primary care physician and any other doctor you are seeing. 8. You must upload all of your prescriptions into a mobile application every single time you get them refilled and are not allowed to take them until they are approved. 9. Attendance of a PRN group via zoom. This is a local group you are assigned along with other monitored practitioners. There is a fee of roughly 130$ a month to attend this required group. For me all of these requirements coast around 20,000 a year. If you ever have a positive test even if it is the result of contamination from rubbing alcohol or unintentional ingestion of alcohol/ allergy medication your contract will rest to 5 years from the time of positive test. Once your five year contract is completed, you must ask to be released from monitoring. At that point they will search for any reason to keep you under monitoring. This could be dilute urines, daily check ins or a week where you did not attend mutual aid meetings. Every certification and license which you apply for will likely ask you if you were under a monitoring program/ have been treated for substance use. You must give an explanation and check yes. As far as licensing programs are concerned, if you were under the monitoring of PRN, you are safe, however they group practitioners who have had behavioral issues with practitioners who were diverting drugs from work. Therefore, keep in mind that you will be labeled as a sever addict.
7 Back to work and only work. During treatment your only goal is to return to work, however when you return your experience will be drastically distinct from what you remember. For me, I was now working in isolation. Missing six months of my training meant that no other Resident was on the same rotation as me. My coworkers at all formed friend groups. When I returned I was greeted with much concern for my well being. No one would speak to be about my absence, however everyone knew there is only one reason a resident would leave for 6 months then return. My Accdeemic meetings were consisting of attending telling me “I have a target on my back now” and “ I have to preform even better than others” in the light of my time missed. If this wasn’t alienating enough, the majority of Resident events, sponsored by recruiters and my university revolved around alcohol to which I had to give some excuse to why I can not partake with others. I’m fortunate that I do not have an addiction, because these stressful conditions along with the daunting amount of dead and requirements imposed by PRN are enough to make any addict relapse. While I was at treatment, I was in the dative with Samyr stories a physicians whose addictions got the best of them. Physicians who did not make it to treatment, often taking their own life. These stories were presented as a warning. Your addictions will kill you without our treatment was the message. When, in reality I did not hear one story in which the addiction killed physician. Every physician who didn’t make it to treatment took their life after being told they must report to a treatment facility. Perhaps they knew what this entailed and it was not their addiction or getting caught which caused them to end their lives, but the unmanageable and often unreasonable burden that treatment would put on their lives.
9 How to escape So your fucked your in PRN and should be or you should and now your recovered and want to terminated your contract.

1. You ask to be released early done at 1/2 time ( good luck)
2. You have “good reason” (no one has ever been let out of contract because of this reason, the verbiage is far too vague)
3. You serve all your time and they let you out(maybe, as discussed earlier, they would do everything they can to keep you in your contract as long as your practicing)
4. You can’t practice medicine anymore

10 Layer up butter cup : I cannot emphasize the extent to which legal help is required in this process. You much seek it and seek it early. Lawyers can provide many avenues to you early in the process. Once you have committed to treatment, gone for evaluation or are in a PRN contract , this is very little that you or legal help can do. Spend a few thousand dollars when you are accused and save the 20-30,000 later.
After you have been evaluated if you disagree as I did, then this is the process you must undergo. 1. Hire a occupation, defense, lawyer 2. Prove you don’t have an addiction, this is done by having an alternative evaluator with similar credentials state that either you don’t have an addiction or that PRN’s level of monitoring is not medically appropriate ( this will need to be a multi day neuropsychological evaluation, which will cost about $5000). 3. Your lawyer must draft in writing that the medical level of monitoring is not required such as another medical professional and send this to PRN 4. PRN will tattle on you to the board of medicine. 5. The board of medicine will conduct an investigation. 6. At the end or when they believe they have enough reasonable evidence to the board of medicine will suspend your license or claim, you must comply with the PRN contract to practice. 7. At this time your lawyer will defend you in the state court against the board. This is costly but much less than the coast of a 5 year PRN contract 8. If you win you will likely suggest an alternative level of care such as gonna get therapy every week. If you lose, than you wasted a fuck ton of money and are still bound by your PRN contract.
Overall this entire process has coast me Over all coast:
My finances for this year only including PRN and rent are as follows:
120-200$ every week for testing 480-800/ month
65 every week for therapy 195/month
125 every month for PRN group
About 50-69 every month for 2 doctor apts
So at least 745$/month at the lowest
Treatment at the recovery center coast 20,000 for me out of pocket and
I wasn’t payed for 6 months with no FMLA because I am a first year. At the 1 year mark I will have made 26,000 this year after taxes And payed About 29,000 on PRN alone
Rent is 1,000 so that’s 12,000 a year
Just in rent and PRN alone I will be at 26,000- 41,600 -15,600.
I will be in debt by at least 18,000 at the 1 year mark
Coast of treatment center 20,000 (with insurance) For each year of PRN roughly 20,000 Add that to 6 months of attending salary which was delayed due to my treatment time: at least 150,000 Layer coasts along with other evaluations 25,000 Missing 6 months of residency pay 30,000 Coast of 1 year in monitoring: 245,000 Coast of 5 years 325,000
If my case progress to a trail I will require an extra 20,000 in court coasts
Chapter 11 My secondary eval: Dr sushi After I arrived at my treatment center I challenge my evaluation multiple times. Each and every time I was discharged and often accused of alternate mental health/ substance abuse issues to discourage my advances. I was never given the opportunity to undergo alternative assessment, however PRN guidelines state that you can obtain a second option within 7 days of your first. This is a mute point, however, because you will not receive the results of your evaluation until over a week after it is conducted and the second evaluation must be conducted by another PRN hired evaluator of their choosing. During my stay in rehab I contacted PRN multiple times to attempt another evaluation/ legal help. They warned against both stating they were a “waste of money” and “pointless”.
After completing my treatment with the guidance of many addiction, experienced physicians, mental health counselors and psychiatrists recommendations I sought in a secondary evaluation. I chose a highly qualified professional with over 30 years of experience to conduct an extensive neuo psycho social evaluation of me. One that I was sure would be more extensive than the evaluation I received at treatment and more importantly an unbiased evaluation.
The results from my evaluation not only showed that I did not have a substance abuse problem warranting PRN level monitoring, but also that PRN was falling to allow adequate treatment of other conditions such as my ADHD. My evaluation showed my ADHD was not only untreated by PRNs attempt at using non controlled medication, but also in the top 3% most severe presentations of ADHD. My evaluator went on to explain my results by questioning why my treatment center even mandated I undergo neuro cognitive evaluation. The only neurodiverse findings were my IQ, my dyslexia and my ADHD. However, a neuo cognitive examination can be billed separately by treatment centers, therefore they always recommend one.
Chapter 12 Amongst its greed, intrusive nature and faulty accusations, professional recourse network function highly proficiently at the task they were designed to; protective physicians and patients from physicians who are impaired at work. In this domain they save lives, offer second changes and protect the public. When they act beyond their intended jurisdiction by imposing unnecessary monetary demands on practitionersin training, accuse practitioners without proof or act on behavior exemplified outside of a work setting they unjustly and inappropriately attack the week and innocent.
Proposed reform: As a trainee my universities malpractice insurance covers me for mistakes made at work. If a learner mistakenly harms a patient, then the university stands on their behalf. If the learner does something wrong under a teachers direct guidance, then the teacher is at fault. This makes sense logically as well as pragmatically. The state entrusts large amounts of money to hospital systems and universities to train resident physicians. A portion of this money is allocated to malpractice insurance. This should extend to accused impairment.
Suppose a training university was required to cover rehabilitation and monitoring of a resident of whom they claim is impaired. Alternatively they have the option of firing the trainee. This would reduce the number of innocent trainees being accused of impairment, make the process of rehabilitation more fair and provide a better use for tax payer derived dollars, which hospital systems are given to train residents. The truly impaired could still seek help, less false accusations would be made and with the employers having the ability to fire at the moment of impairment, there would be less chance of impairment at work.

Any and all perspectives help more than you know. I don’t have anybody to really talk about this with so any guidance is appreciated. It’s a lot to read, I might yap but with reason
I’m 19 years old and have just finished my spring semester of college. I went to a big college out of town, my main financial aid fucked me over so I had to switch at semester to my home state’s university. Anyway, this year was kinda tough for me lost a couple family members & my boyfriend had it rough, lost his best friend and dad within a few months of each other. Then in March, we find out I’m pregnant. I wasn’t sure what I wanted but didn’t really get to make a choice, soon after I miscarried. It was difficult so I went back to hometown & finished semester online while staying with boyfriend until I needed to move my stuff out of dorm.
My boyfriend is 19 and we’ve been together a year & a half, but known each other since middle school. We dated in 8 grade until he had to move out of state, he moved back & we started hanging out again. My circle is small & I don’t really make/have any friends but he’s my best friend. Even if we wouldn’t have chose to date after he came back to town, ik we would’ve been good friends. My family liked him or seemed to at least, especially my mom.
It’s well known in my family that my mom and I just don’t get along. She kept me quite literally locked away as the Cinderella child until I left. I could only do stuff if she wasn’t in a bad mood/something didn’t need cleaned/ a child didn’t need to be picked up/dropped off. After a while I figured out life is better if i deal w it instead of push back harder. My friends in high school never invited me ANYWHERE, I didn’t know how to use a crosswalk until I was 14 lmao I was so sheltered sorry ANYWAYS, I turned 18 and it was like I had a brand new mother until her fear of me leaving wore off.
Long story short, the summer before I left for college (last summer) my mom & I got into a fight, I didn’t have anywhere else to go so I moved in with boyfriend. My mom did the absolute most, wouldnt let me get any of my stuff or car for a few weeks (I had purchased almost EVERYTHING for myself since I was 15, including my car that she told me since I bought it as a minor I couldn’t have it under my name :/ ), almost got me fired from my job & ambulance ended up being called from how much of a tantrum she threw. It was so ridiculous that she refused to tell anybody what happened when people asked because she said it’s too embarrassing for her.
Just like that, she flipped. My boyfriend had a rough upbringing which she knows some stuff about. She took that and twisted the narrative to make him seem like some sort of charity case that took advantage of her generous & good graces. She calls him the hungry kid who hangs out w her daughter. He’s no longer allowed at her house lmao just out of spite. He never said a word to her or about her even when she had the worst to say about him, he never was disrespectful or showed up to the house either so idrk why she said that. Even when I moved out & she drained my entire savings I had worked for since I was 15, he never said anything bad about her just that i was going to be okay & he’s gonna help me figure it out.
Not only that but she shunned me for a long time, refused to talk & look at me after I moved out. My little brother was 5 and didn’t really understand & my mom didn’t bother to explain or kid proof it, just let him scream, cry, & claw at my legs whenever I’d leave the house to go home. I felt so guilty & like I had to compensate so I’d stress out & make sure to see my siblings every single day till I left for college.
If you’re still reading thank you sm.
Fast forward to today, left for college & it didn’t work out, finished semester online, and am back in my hometown. Over breaks in college I’ve stayed at my moms cause she expected me to and her & I’s relationship has gotten so much better with distance. Between her and boyfriend, they were my biggest & only support especially with the miscarriage. But the only conversation they’ve had is when him and I went to talk to my mom in person when I found out I was pregnant. Not sure where she stands with him idrc but I’m sure she probably hates him more since we did technically make her worst fear as a mother come true.
Im living with her now, mainly cause I don’t want to be isolated again & i physically cant deal with the debilitating anxiety and guilt every day, I wanted to try to focus on healing & resting before I start classes in the fall. Boyfriend’s family situation is getting v challenging for him, hes gonna get a place regardless. I really just want a space where I’m not feeling constantly overstimulated & I miss living with him a lot honestly. We make the best team & it’s so easy with him. I catch myself getting so excited looking at furniture even from the thrift or think ab cooking w him. I miss him making breakfast for me before I wake up and folding laundry together and grocery shopping. He’s paying 6 months rent in advance so that I won’t have to worry about getting enough hours & can enjoy summer and actually rest. Both of us independently have a pretty thick cushion to fall back on too just in case. So finances aren’t a problem I think?
My mom isn’t too keen on the idea. I think she doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes she made, which I understand because I was also there when she was left with half of every pair of shoes she owned, I mean he took literally half of everything. Even in the case that we do break up and then I’m stuck with an apartment with my ex and have completely fucked myself over, at least I made my first mistake & learned from it? Idk what to tell my mom or how the conversation should go. I don’t wanna be shunned again but then again I’ve never once been able to just do something and justify it with “it’s my life”. Advice/thoughts/bullshit/opinions? Have a blessed day, I appreciate your time & input more than you know.

So my ex and I (23f, 25f) broke up a little over 3 months ago. It was really brutal, I was blindsided, but at the same time I hurt her quite a bit as well. We were really toxic towards the end and I genuinely think this was for the best.
Like an hour and a half after we have the breakup conversation, Im at home trying to process things and she texts me a picture of her mom’s dog wearing a kansas city chiefs shirt and says “I fear you would have left me over this anyways” (Context for anyone who doesn’t care about sports, I just straight up don’t like the Chiefs and they were playing in the super bowl again that weekend). I didn’t respond at all and just felt really hurt, we broke up under strange circumstances and I was left feeling like she just didn’t like me and I was resigned to the fact that she didn’t respect me anymore, so getting a joke text within 2 hours of breaking up hurt a lot tbh. Like what was I supposed to say?
Fast forward two days, I didn’t respond to her dumb joke and she texts me at like midnight saying “Im sorry, I’ll learn forgiveness, you were my best friend and I hope we can be friends again” and then says a bunch more stuff the next morning like “We should talk soon”, “nobody understands me like you, I just want to speak with you about this and nobody else but we can’t and it sucks”. My sister and my friends told me to block her but I held strong for some reason. I just couldn’t let go.
Then a few MORE days later I decided to respond with no words, I send her the laundry/taxes meme from Everything Everywhere All at Once, partly because it was sentimental and we did have a really special relationship at one point, and also because lowkey the last thing I dropped off for her was her W-2 and her laundry. She responds saying we should talk soon, and says all kinds of stuff like “I miss you lots”, “Maybe we just need time to be our own people”, “Im still wearing the ring you gave me” (context: It wasn’t a promise ring or engagement ring or anything, just was one of the first birthday presents I ever got her and was one of the first gifts I ever bought someone where I spent real real money on, so it at least meant SOMETHING to us), and a whole bunch of other sentimental stuff, concluding with “Im here whenever you’re ready to speak.” These messages all really hurt me and multiple ppl told me to block her but once again, I just couldn’t bring myself to.
Now, a few more days go by and she texts me about a performance one of our mutual friends’ invited us to. She asked if I was gonna go and said if I was then she would back out. This just bothered me SO MUCH, not only had I forgotten all about this performance and had zero intention of going given the state I was in, but it was just a question that NEEDED an answer, I couldn’t just leave her on read again, right? I responded and kinda showed too much of my feelings and how hurt I was, and we spoke a bit over text. She admitted she handled our breakup inappropriately and also said that marriage was still a possibility for us (Mind you, in our final argument as a couple she pointed at me and goes “Does this even look like marriage material?” which I still think about to this day). It was….jarring. I pretty much clung on to that hope. Then at the end she completely switched her stance and said SHE needed time and that she would let ME know when she was ready for a conversation, saying she needed two weeks.
Fast forward a few weeks, we had been in contact only to exchange our belongings, but she blocked me after I told her she could leave one of my hats in the mailbox if she didnt want to see me. So I message her dad a week later in order to get my things back and get that all sorted. However, one of my friends informed me that she was speaking to a boy in one of her psych courses who had been hitting on her. This kinda sent me down the rabbit hole and I message her dad again asking for some of my stuff back. Mind you, Im still blocked at this point so if I wanted it back, I had to go through him. The thing she still had of mine was my nice pillow which i had given to her to take to her dorm, and even a few days after the breakup she had said stuff like “Im still sleeping on the pillow you gave me” so at this rate I just wanted it back. Her dad immediately assumed I had blocked her and he tried to speak to me like I was his kid and I told him “your daughter is the one who blocked me” and he got really embarrassed. I get unblocked and get my pillow back bc I dont know how youre still sleeping on it while speaking to the first dude that hits on you (Mind you this girl swore she was a lesbian and was always worried I would cheat with a boy). I get the pillow back, she compliments my hair bc I had gotten it done, and we go on our separate ways.
Now, I messaged her a couple more times because I kept finding stuff of hers at my place. Id dropped some of it off at her dad’s place bc he lives in town. Fast forward to my birthday exactly 2 months after we breakup, she texts me at 9pm saying “Happy birthday” and nothing else. Wtf. I didn’t reply and I actually was super lonely on my bday so she was the last person I wanted to hear from.
I think I made the mistake of trying to bring one of her things to her a week later because I was visiting a friend who lived by her campus. This is where I feel she thinks I might be the one trying to drop breadcrumbs. It was super awkward, i just handed her her stuff and she said something completely inaudible but sounded like “take care” or something along those lines. And NOW is where I make the ultimate mistake of asking why that was weird once she got back into her building. She was basically like “im still healing, don’t message me unless theres stuff of mine thatyou have. I dont want to speak to you for a very long time if not ever”. So in 2 months I go from “im here whenever youre ready” to “dont speak to me ever”.
I told her that I am still healing too and dont even want to have a conversation yet, and I make the mistake of asking why she bothered telling me happy birthday if thats how she feels. The response i got from her was “I did it because it would have felt bad not saying anything, I wont say it again next year”. I got blocked permanently a few messages later.
So basically, just go no contact and stick to it. I should have taken my friends advice and blocked her a long time ago, and because I didnt I got my hopes up and got hurt again. Apologies for the long post, but seriously sometimes people just say things because they are emotional and not because they mean them. I held out for hope for way too long.
Apologies for the long ass post
Edit for context about our relationship: We dated 4 years and in the end I was the one who fell apart, wasn’t taking care of myself, etc. We were far from perfect for each other long before that, but had been through so much together and loved each other very much. Ultimately I hurt her over and over and held in the times she hurt me and never worked on forgiving her. I was very resentful towards the end and I 100% do not blame her for leaving, we were just wrong for each other plain and simple. Loved each other but became two passing ships in the night who only let our true feelings show when we were arguing. I want whoever she is with to treat her far better than I, and I got the impression that she felt the same about me... even if she clearly has been hurt by the times that I HAVE spoken to her since breaking up. Ultimately when we broke up I was 100% set on going no contact because I had assumed that’s what she wanted, because I knew we were no good for each other. That is why it all hurt so much when she reached out and gave me chances to redeem myself after we broke up. But I was too afraid to squash that hope in fear of hurting her more. I want nothing but the best for this person, and while I tell myself it was a waste of time from time to time when Im feeling upset, I have so many incredible memories with her, even though there were a lot of bad ones too. It was still a massive growing experience and fuck is it sad that we just couldn’t stick it out in the long run. We were each other’s first love, and we both tried so fucking hard to make it work in spite of everything going on around us. God bless her at the end of the day, I’ve forgiven her for the hurt she caused me, and we owe each other nothing. I never expected her to say she would work on forgiveness, I was left feeling like I shouldn’t deserve it. This has been an incredibly long post so if anyone has read this thank you, you can heal from this and you got this. This sub has actually been helpful, a lotta other people are feeling the same way you are. You’re not alone and you can heal.

So we’ve been together for 6 months now and I had to leave for the summer (we’re college students). It’s really has sucked we used to hangout a lot (probably way too much). We both are extremely insecure people and all our fights have been because of mistrust and jealousy. I’ve also been cheated on before on the past and I’ve been going to therapy for years trying to learn how to trust and love myself but I’ve barely made any progress.
For the last week or so my bf has gone cold and it’s because he’s insecure and doesn’t trust me. He has sort of a right though. There was one time I went to go hang out with a guy without telling him (I was kinda mad at him it was stupid of me) and we both have established that we aren’t super comfortable with hanging out with the opposite sex. We talked it through a few times and he said he forgave me but of course hasn’t forgotten. Now that we’ve been a part he’s been thinking about that incident a lot and also thinking about the people I’ve slept with previously (one is a black guy) and is insecure. I’ve told him that I chose him and he’s the best I’ve ever had but of course that doesn’t do anything. I really don’t want him to feel this way because I know myself how much it hurts but I can’t seem to help no matter what I say.
I know people are going to say well you both aren’t meant for a relationship and that may be true but we’re never going to learn or get over these insecurities by just breaking up and having the same stuff happen in the next. I want to work on our problems TOGETHER. That’s what relationships are about if you really love them and I do really love him. I know I would never cheat but actions are louder than words saying that won’t make him feel better. How do you think I could help him be more comfortable? I really don’t want our relationship to end but it hurts so much seeing him like this and he’s so different now.
TLDR: My boyfriend has gone cold because he keeps thinking about my past and mistakes I’ve made before now that we are a LDR. I really want to help him since I suffer from insecurity and jealousy as well.

“the initial grip of fear, that turns into the unexpected earning for your capture.”
the poetry in here is about survival and surrender. it delves into the complexities of a karmic love. being trapped in a situation, while still being aware of its toxicity. my poems are meant to convey the tumultuous journey of being in love with a narcissist. (your “capture”) the lessons you learn, as painful as they can be, invite you to take a step into the shadow side of love. if you feel at home here, I’m truly sorry. there is a way out. I hope you break free. -with so much love, gillian.
and when you retreat,
i’ll wear this shirt for days.
intoxicating & sweet,
with your cologne interlaced.
breathing in your deceit,
it kind of feels like mace.
denial mixed with defeat.

• i’ve always had bad taste.

i knew you weren’t game.
still i chose to play.
it isn't fair to blame.
believe me, i carry my own shame.
poured myself into your glass,
played the waiting game.
leaking through your cracks,
our imperfections the same.
-i recognize a glass half full, even when it’s shattered.
every summer, we reheat.
you left your roots behind
seasons change, but cycles repeat.
if you see the same tree in the forest twice,
it’s time to face defeat.
must come to terms,
the truth can be bleak.
-you’re lost.
got a god complex,
but you’re not religious.
searching for who’s next.
never fearing Jesus.
sit back & count your checks.
blame your mistakes on demons.
make your excuses.
you’ve got your reasons.
-false prophecy
you remind me of an onion.
make me cry as I peel away at you,
in search for your seed.
but you’re just a facade of skins.
layers of deception,
concealing the truth.
disappointing.
you have no core,
only hollow creed.
-my mother’s disdain for onions.
there’s always been a haze between us.
murky, convoluted, undefined.
more than friends, less than lovers.
simultaneously strangers.
but in this ambiguity, I find solace.
-for grey is my favorite color.
i’ll play bartender,
make you something nice.
your heart in my hand,
gripping your ice.
drain me dry,
leave me hollow & still.
next week you’ll return,
thirsty for your refill.
-whiskey sour
bittersweet.
should have read the label.
“poison”
sitting so pretty on my table.
calling like an offering,
tempting & fatal.
it won’t go down smooth,
leave me unstable.
i tried to resist, i was unable.
now i see that love exists,
but only in fables.
-why do mistakes taste so good?
your lips left a bruise.
just here to distract.
but i admit i’m confused
when you kiss me like that.
aware i’m being used.
still comfortable where i’m at.
position i choose
complacent doormat.
-welcome home
you prefer car rides.
a space to talk, yet evade my gaze.
unable to sit still, restless in your ways.
never one to settle, always seeking the next best fling.
oh, how I long for the days when adderall made you sing.
-my fuel light is on
I broke my own heart,
more times than a few.
i may have lied,
but never to you.
if i faced the truth,
then what’s left to do?
i’m comfortable here,
wasting my youth.
i hate to admit it,
but i know it’s true.
i’m scared of change,
you run from it too.
i won’t forgive myself,
for always forgiving you.
-can you be home sick from people too?
You’re dead to me.
-Necrophiliac.
come on.
i forgave you,
without an apology.
convinced myself it was closure.
started our anthology.
this will never be over.
it’s in our biology.
let’s have a do over.
can you just come fuck me?
-delusional. & i can’t rhyme either.
i’ll read between your lines,
decipher each clue.
search for the signs,
follow your cue.
you’ve spun me around,
think i’ve lost a few screws.
still i rise, dust off the bruise.
maybe i’m drawn to a challenge,
perhaps it’s not you.
denial is my shield.
my safe space, my refuge.
the truth will not prevail
defeat? i refuse.
my final boss,
I aim to subdue.
-sore loser.
my mom said i felt cold.
I always tell the truth.
the words escaped my mouth.
“i get it from you.”
funny, she hugs me now.
never in my youth.
conceal carry my trauma.
play it cool, keep it smooth.
use my words as a weapon.
daddy taught me how to shoot.
-target practice
it’s lonely as a ghost,
been trapped here for years.
lingering around,
mopping up your tears.
do you sense my presence?
can you feel me near?
if I dare make a sound,
will you even hear?
or am I just a whisper?
it’s never been quite clear.
promised to stay beside you,
my love was sincere.
-invisible
afraid to release
what's just a mist.
I must learn to respect
your lack of interest.
hard pill to swallow,
if i could just take the hint.
i hate letting go
of what doesn't exist.
-maybe i’m the problem
chasing you down as you flee,
why look back, just to see?
i’m gaining distance, is this what you need?
only now I realize, I'm your source of glow.
i feed your flame, you need me to grow.
without my warmth, will your embers persist?
or will they die out, because I was your wick?
I can go the distance, even do it quick.
didn’t think I could pass you but, tag, you're it.
so when your lost in the dark,
just look for my light.
for my flames eternal.
vivacious and bright.
-Ruled by the Sun.
you love her like a one-way mirror.
boosting your ego, making thoughts clearer.
she stands before you, but can you even see her?
soon her time will come, to be valued, to be known.
to be more than a reflection, to be art on her own.
-shattered
i feel as though i’m trapped
in a museum.
exhibits of my past.
meticulously preserved & on display.
forced to observe and to my dismay..
no exits.
-i don’t like it here
i am an esteemed professor.
teaching you how to love.
i am a well-traveled guide.
leading you to your full potential.
i am a warrior.
going to battle for your reputation.
i am an artist.
molding you into your greatest self.
i am a generous humanitarian.
donating my most precious piece to another women.
she sees no flaws.
enamored by your beauty.
a saw the hardened marble slab
i chiseled away for years.
only to reveal the beauty underneath for someone else to cherish.
-wasted potential
when we were pretending to be strangers, I loved you from afar.
when we were playing house,
I welcomed you with all my heart.
you left me here, with nothing but a scar.
sad and empty.
headed to a bar.
light up a cigarette.
fill me with tar.
I hope you think of me when you see a shooting star.
-maybe you loved me in a past life
only one day will i realize
the last thing i should feel is surprise
my personality has been downsized
because i chose to compromise
with a man wearing a disguise
your plan was always devised
but I’ll meet you at our spot
-king sized
you can fill your bed with anyone.
but who can fill your void?
you’ll never solve the puzzle
-sincerely, the missing piece.
ravenous for praise.
the apex predator.
you feed on the weak.
but never leave satisfied.
your greedy but insatiable.
devoured your feast
how can you be famished?
-taste me and see me why you’ve been starving
there’s things i wanna say to you.
but i’ll just let you be.
you have a way of always avoiding
-accountability
you’ve got walls up
but i know where the windows are
-can i come in?
maybe you do
love me
but only in the dark
when no one’s watching
-conditional.
i wish i was tired of you.
forgiveness, i can’t escape.
they say patience is a virtue,
but it’s a habit i can’t break.
-if i had a dollar for all the times i should have blocked you
the spot i had for you was soft.
made for you, a perfect fit.
delusion is wearing off.
disgust is starting to hit.
gave it all to you, at any cost.
-should have known it wasn’t permanent.
and just like that,
2 steps forward. 10 steps back.
why do i feel comfortable in this trap?
-i hope you run away and never come back
I don't wish you well, that would be too easy.
I wish you self-reflection.
-internal accountability.
i am the girl that learned
to do everything by myself.
to not depend on others to save me.
to fill up my time, or entertain me.
he said to go where i am appreciated, so i went to therapy.
-i’ll send you in the invoice.
in order to heal a wound,
you have to stop touching it.
-i have dermatillomania
thank you for reading! far from perfect but i took up writing as a way to express myself and it really helped me heal and process my emotions <3 thanks guys

my partner and i (24 and 25F) have been together for over 3 years now. I have wondered since very early on if she has been manipulative, or if I am sensitive. This is my first queer relationship, and I have always shut men down when I can tell manipulation tactics are being used, but I’m having a hard time finding sources on how it may resonate differently in women.
I have worked very hard to overcome things like religious trauma, insecurities, etc that would cause strain on the relationship. However, I feel I end up being the one that has work to do at the end of our serious conversation frequently.
The event that sticks with me the most happened a while back. I have always struggled with depression since puberty hit me. This time period specifically, I was at my genuine worst. One night she was trying to get spicy with me, and i told her i wasn’t in the mood. this is the first time i have ever set this boundary with someone. I have always just went along with it, which in the long run has been harmful to my mental. She seemed sad and got quiet, but it didn’t make me feel pressured or bad that i did not want to be intimate. However, my sex drive had completed vanished. Because I hadn’t felt negatively the first go around, I began to feel more comfortable expressing myself and letting her know i wasn’t in the mood. I began to refrain from things like cuddling a lot, making out etc because at the time i was scared it would send her the wrong message, and I didn’t want to make her feel worse. We talked about this because she seemed to get more and more quiet the more i did this. During the conversation she expressed that she needed those things, and that it makes her feel icky and undesirable since i had started not having sexy time and not cuddling. I expressed to her why I wasn’t as lovely, that I had got in my head and didn’t want to lead her to think i wanted sex, while also reassuring her i would stop doing this since she said it wasn’t leading her on. I also explained that because of my depression I didn’t have much of a sex drive. I remember at one point in another conversation (we had several because this went on for a while) told her I didn’t feel it was healthy she relied on sexual intimacy to feel desirable or pretty, but she told me that she didn’t agree, because her biggest love language is physical touch and sex was a part of that. Ever since that, mixed with a failed try at polyamory a few months prior that trickled into my lack of wanting sex, I have felt maybe i am being manipulated. more context, I hadn’t communicated with her properly about hanging out with this guy, and was often home late, leaving very little time for us. I apologized for it weekly, if not daily, and eventually decided that if she wanted me to end it i would (leaving me heartbroken because i did really like this guy a lot, and up until i let her know that I hadn’t noticed any issues. But i wanted her to feel secure and she is main main priority in relationships) I had been talking and occasionally being intimate with him (while also still intimate with her) for over a year before I knew there was an issue. She told me she thought he was trying to break us up. I reassured her that while i didn’t think that was the case, i loved her and would never leave her just because someone else wanted me to. Eventually, I expressed that I was extremely upset and missed him, and after questions and concerns, reassured her it wasn’t sex with him that i missed. i missed the connection. this was around the time my depression had really gotten bad, so i had no interest in sex of any kind. I wanted to want to. my partner is very beautiful and ive always felt she was such a special wonderful human. I felt she didn’t believe me, but she always told me she did. During this time, we didn’t have sex if i didn’t want to, but we had talks about it often where she would express how much it hurts her that we aren’t intimate. They always ended with me trying find a solution to get better faster. Taking labido supplements, switching my work schedule around, trying antidepressants (which have been helpful, but it doesn’t sit right with me that that was the only reason i started them) She always told me in these conversations that she didn’t want me to feel pressured, and that i didn’t have to if i didn’t want to, but it is extremely hard not to feel pressured when your partner is telling you something you are or are not doing is causing them so much mental struggle. Especially when it’s something i can’t just start doing better about immediately. I’ve always been the person to think, and have always read that feeling pressured to have sex in a relationship is never okay, but is that still the case if i never gave into the pressure and she never physically touched me to make me feel uncomfortable or pressured?
Along with this, she rarely seems to want to do small little things for me like getting me a glass of water or running out to my car. She will, but i usually have to ask. Then her voice softens like she is sad, and her face drops. I’ve expressed to her that one of my love languages is acts of service, which is why i am constantly offering to do small favors for her, and would like to occasionally have that in return without having to ask. I let her know i did not expect this all the time, maybe just a few occasions of this out of a couple weeks or a month and then when she could tell i really didn’t want to do something she could say “i got it.” She seemed to hear me and does occasionally do things for me, but most of the time things are the same. She still looks like i have asked he to kill her first born when i ask her to grab something for me.
Another thing that bothers me is that she always gets the final call, and if she doesn’t, she again seems sad. If we watch a movie, most things i suggest usually gets turned down unless it’s something she has also actively talked about wanting to watch. Recently we were in the car and she asked if had anything i had been listening to. after naming a few artists and songs, she asked if i listened to the song she sent early and said she was actually just going to play that. when i said “oh okay yeah” in a disappointed tone, she turned and looked upset asking “well did you want me to play what you suggested?” I never complain when she wants to play music when im driving, and actively try to include her in decision making, but it feels one sided. Why ask for suggestions as if you want me included and then ignore that i said anything? She does this in a few different areas, not just with movies and music
She gets upset if i accidentally interrupt when im excited (i have adhd), but I do well about not doing this often and will stop myself and let her continue if i have interrupted a lot of the time. She also has told me in the past that things i do (like interrupting) when i dont take my adhd medication is extremely stressful for her, but she also knows my medication makes it extremely hard to eat, i had lost 60lbs when this was an issue for her, and I have struggled with disorder like habits my whole life. I was very vocal about those things at the time. (TW eating disorder thoughts)I felt like a skeleton,so unhealthy and fragile. I told her this often. but i also had longed for that for so long, so sometimes id take them and be excited to not eat so i could lose more. I kept this to myself because i felt ashamed to have fallen into that way of thinking, even if it wasn’t consistent. (TW OVER) it didn’t feel right to me to take them if i wasn’t working and doing something that required my full attention. This problem has lessened a lot since my depression has lightened up and I started taking my meds more consistently, but again i didn’t start being consistent/start taking them again because i felt i needed to. I did it because she told me it was causing issues for her.
Is this manipulation or is it a sensitivity thing? am i too sensitive? is she? maybe we both are? Do i just lack boundary setting skills? Am i actually the problem and Im just playing victim?

So me and my gf are in a live in relationship and it’s been a year since we are together. At times I feel I am disrespected but am I overreacting because whenever I put this in-front of her she thinks I am stretching the topic.
So every call that I take for us she doubts everything. From minutest of the things. For example, we were having hard time cleaning our home so we decided upon hiring a maid. Because of our budget she agreed to cleaning the home two times a week. I tried my best to atleast convince her to clean the home three times a week. She declined and started telling how difficult and expensive things have become and how difficult it is for to finance her daughter’s education. She kept and saying that for another half hour. I called my gf (she was in the office) to tell her she will be cleaning the home for just two days and is not agreeing and stating her problems again and again. I told her to let’s just lock it for two days a week because if not then I will have to listen to her everyday because I work from home and I cannot listen to all of this daily.
Since I took a call and agreed upon two times a week. Since then my gf has been taunting me that why did I agree on it and I have got tired explaining that I cannot keep listening to her life problems on a daily basis. She keeps taunting me.
Now this is just one of the examples, she shows me middle finger any moment even in the bestest of the moods, goes rude at times. Taunts me for smallest of the things.
I do my best efforts to support our home financially, she got a project as a freelancer which could have paid off a good number. She took the project and delayed it for two months I kept on telling her how important this can be to us since my other business is at loss and how much we need that money, she stills delayed it. At last the client warned her that they will sue her and she has to refund the money back. Since she did not have the money I paid for it from my savings. I do everything to back her and support her but she just tends to degrade me in all the manners possible.
So we joke about how She keeps on asking for a big ring on the marriage proposal day and how beautiful it should be.
One weekend she went to her parents home, and told her mother that when you start finding a husband for me do let him know that I want a big ring for proposal.
I mean? Why will you tell your mother this? When I asked her she tells me anyways I am going to marry you I was just engaging in the conversation.
When we have a fight going on and I am trying to put my point she gets on a work phone call.
Whenever I try to address an issue, she replies by saying ‘what do you want’, ‘are you done stretching the topic’ and things like that.
A fews days back I watched a movie which I loved watching, I told her that I think we should watch this movie together because I feel the portrayal of love and compassion in this film is something worth watching.
She went on watching half of the film at her parent’s home on the weekend. I told her in a upsetting manner that how desperately I wanted to watch it with her despite already watching it. To which she replied what is the big deal I will watch it again with you.
But am I overreacting on all of this? Is this normal?

Cyborg #59 - Test of Strength

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Author: Commander_Z
Book: Cyborg
Arc: Machine Mayhem
Set: 96
Previously:
Victor Stone, Donna Morris and Keiji Otari worked together to create a robot called Atlas to participate in the collegiate Machine Mayhem tournament, a robot fighting competition. The humanoid robot easily crushed its competition in the first round but disappeared overnight before the second round. His three creators split up to track him down, with Keiji finding the machine in a back alley a little ways away from the stadium...
Keiji stood before the massive figure, blinking, trying to focus his mind. He had had many late nights and early mornings over the past couple weeks, so Keiji figured he was still sleeping. Or hallucinating. Or both, somehow. But, the voice rang out, its clearest yet, “No.” ‘Clear’ was a very generous and relative term, though. The noise wasn’t modulating through a speaker or a voice box, instead Atlas was making his own speaker by vibrating the motors and joints that allowed him to move.
The alley that Keiji found Atlas in was less than an ideal to make changes to a robot, but Keiji figured that Atlas would be understanding considering the circumstances. He pulled out an old bluetooth speaker out of his backpack and gestured towards Atlas with it.
“This’ll help you. No more grinding gears to talk. Just got to trust me for a few minutes, okay?”
Atlas stood still for a few moments, whether he was thinking or just unsure how to make a positive affirmation with his joints, Keiji couldn’t know. But, after awhile, he responded.
“Yes.”
Keiji set his backpack on the ground in the gross alley, making a mental note that he’d have to clean that later and got to work.
Around ten minutes later, he was done.
“Okay, Atlas. Try to use the speaker. It’s connected to RO23 on the tertiary control board.”
“...T…Te….ing…Test…Testing. Speaker operation confirmed.” Atlas spoke in a deep, synthetic voice that occasionally warped itself in tone, like how a whammy bar would add vibrato to a chord on a guitar.
“Great. So… Atlas… What's going on with you? Why’d you leave?”
“I am performing my task: defeat opponents, become the strongest. No foes in that arena were a challenge. Therefore, I left.”
Keiji raised an eyebrow. “That’s… not what we made you for. We made you to win Machine Mayhem, not to pursue strength as some sort of goal in of itself.”
“Incorrect. Nowhere in programming was “winning the Machine Mayhem tournament” a specified goal.”
“Okay, but I programmed you, and I’m telling you that was the intention.”
“Intentions are irrelevant. A teacher may shape their students’ minds, but they cannot determine what anyone does with their knowledge. That is a privilege reserved for each and every individual being. You say I was programmed to win a tournament. I say that I was programmed to make myself the strongest being. Only my interpretation is relevant.”
‘I guess that’s not an invalid interpretation of what I programmed him to do. But… that’s not exactly a sane or safe perspective on life…’
“And how are you doing that? Just fighting anyone you can see?”
“No. I have already stated that I found those machines in that arena unworthy of my efforts, in my short time in the outside world I have seen humans to be much the same. Few of you would pose any challenge.”
“Well, that’s a little more reassuring that you won’t just be fighting everyone you see. But - ”
Suddenly, a woman about Keiji’s age flew into the alleyway, riding on a metallic pink hoverboard. She wore hot pink combat boots with dark black leggings, and a matching hot pink sleeveless top with thick metallic bands around her wrists that went up to her forearms. Her eyes were obscured by a visor-like pair of glasses, tinted a reflective red to hide her identity.
And yet, Keiji knew instantly that she had to be Donna Morris. He knew that she had been working on some other project with Vic before they started Atlas, but he figured it was just for some shared class or lab work. But this… This was unexpected.
“Halt… robot! Step away from the civilian and no one needs to get hurt!”
‘Why’s she speaking so formally? Guess it’s some mindset thing.’
Neither Atlas nor Keiji reacted to what Donna was saying. Keiji knew she wasn’t talking to him, and Atlas just seemed indifferent to her presence. Finally, Atlas turned and faced her.
“You seem powerful. Show me the strength of your will and I may concede.”
“This doesn’t need to be violent. We can talk it out, here or somewhere else.”
“Actions speak louder and truer than words.” Atlas moved into a combat position, leaning forwards on his left leg, raising his fists up to his chest.
“Come.”
“Don- ”
“When I’m in the suit, it’s Black Narcissus. Some of us like to keep our identities secret, no offense to Cyborg, wherever he is.” Donna said.
“Okay, nice to meet you, Black Narcissus. Just… be careful with Atlas. He’s stronger than he looks.”
Donna smiled. “So am I. Just watch.”
Donna pressed her thumb and index finger together on both hands and a large light on the back of her hands turned gray. She pointed her hands right at Atlas, who still stood in his combat position, waiting.
A thick, gray fluid shot out of her gauntlets, ensnaring Atlas’ arms to his body and his legs to the ground.
“Gotcha! That’s industrial strength adhesive - ”
Atlas flexed his arms and the adhesive snapped with ease, then crouched his legs before springing upwards towards Black Narcissus and her hoverboard. She quickly flew out of the way but Atlas managed to barely get one hand on the board. Black Narcissus pressed her thumbs to her middle fingers, changing the cartridge in her gauntlets. The light on the back changed to purple and she fired her gauntlets again, launching a blast of energy at Atlas.
The extra energy rattled the robot’s circuits, and he released his grip on the board to escape further damage, sending him crashing back to the ground. She shot another salvo of energy blasts at the machine, keeping him stunned on the ground.
She switched her left gauntlet back to adhesive, hoping that it would be able to restrain a weakened Atlas. Before it could reach him, the robot rolled out of the way and grabbed a trash can, hurling it at Donna. She swerved out of the way again, then dodged a second trash can thrown as a follow up.
After the second can, she was on her toes, prepared for a third, but it didn’t come. She looked around, trying to find where Atlas went, but he was completely out of sight. She sensed him at the last moment, coming from the rooftop that he jumped up to. He grabbed her board and slammed it to the ground with her on it. The board shattered into a million pieces, but Donna seemed unharmed. Atlas sprung up, ready to keep fighting, and Black Narcissus rose fractions of a second after. She pressed her thumbs to her ring fingers and the light on the black glowed a dark red.
She swung a right hand punch at Atlas who caught it in his left. But the light on the back of her gauntlet started to glow brighter as she put in more effort, pushing back against his metallic muscle. Atlas pushed his legs back, trying to stabilize himself. Donna started to push him back more and Keiji could hear the motors start to strain. Atlas stopped resisting against Donna, then, before she could take advantage of it, he kicked up some of the pieces of the broken hoverboard at her. Using her momentary surprise, he punched her square in the chest, knocking the wind out of her and sending her to the ground.
“You fought well,” Atlas said, turning away from her.
“Wait,” Donna said, getting up. “I’m not done with you.”
“Yes, you are. Accept your defeat. There is no shame in losing to the strongest.”
Before Donna could protest, Atlas turned to Keiji. “Come, and bring your things. I have use for you.”
Keiji raised an eyebrow, but grabbed his backpack and started to follow Atlas further down the alley.
He turned back to Donna and mouthed “I’ll text you” to her. He hoped she got the message.
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“Stop here.”
Keiji stood behind Atlas, who was peering into an old garage a couple blocks from the alley where he fought Black Narcissus. He grabbed the padlock that was keeping the door shut and squeezed it, turning it into dust.
“You will find the tools you need in here. Repair the damage caused in the last fight, human.”
Keiji raised an eyebrow. “First off, I don’t really like being called “human”. Technically true, but feels hurtful in this context. Second, I’m a software guy. I couldn’t fix you if I wanted to. Third, being nicer to people will generally get you better results. Not really inclined to help someone who starts by insulting me.”
“Niceties are a waste of time. Fix me, or I will end you.”
Keiji shook his head. “No, you won’t. I can’t fix you, but you know my teammates can. And they’d never do that if you hurt me at all.”
Atlas punched the concrete wall in frustration, cracking it. “Very well. You are correct… I do need your help. What will they require to do so?”
“I don’t know. But come back to the arena with me. We can talk with them there and see what it takes.”
“Very well. Let your friends know that I require their assistance.”
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Atlas stood before Vic and Donna, who made it back to their workspace just before the robot did. He towered over the three humans, but if any of them were intimidated, it was hidden behind a masterful poker face.
“Y’know, I thought more people would care that we just walked in with a robot and are talking with him like he’s a person,” Donna remarked.
“People are busy and indifferent. The other competitors probably think it’s a marketing scheme or something and are just ignoring us. I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” Keiji said.
“Yeah, that. But so… Atlas has become sentient. Good for you, really. But… hooray. Another sentient robot,” Vic said.
“You see a lot of those?” Keiji asked.
“More than you’d think.”
“I am glad that you are not concerned by my presence. That saves me much effort. But the question at hand remains: I have been damaged and require repairs. Will you repair me?”
“Yes,” Vic and Donna said at the same time.
Vic looked at her, surprised. He figured she’d have some hesitancy.
“But, I’ve got a small condition for you. Should be no big deal. Win us the next round of the competition.”
“Ridiculous. You ask me to do something so trivial it is unfair, like a pro athlete competing at a preschool.”
Donna shrugged. “Yeah, it’s trivial and easy, but it helps us a lot.The club will look much better and get a lot more support for next season if we make it into the semifinals.”
“I’ll even raise the stakes. If you win the next round, we won’t make you enter the finals. Instead, I’ll give you a real challenge. You can fight me.”
“Why would I want that?”
“Because I’m the strongest one here by far. And, if that’s still not enough if you beat me, I’ll show you how to repair yourself. Then, we’ll let you go live as you want, provided you promise to only fight people who want to fight.”
Donna looked at Vic, concerned. “Who would want to willingly fight someone like Atlas?”
Vic sighed. “Trust me. There are plenty of weirdos in this world who just want to fight. It’s much better than me just throwing him in prison or taking him apart.”
Atlas made a noise that Vic thought was supposed to be a scoff. But maybe it was just static. The speaker wasn’t that high quality.
“You make a very strong set of promises if I win, which I will. But if by some miracle, you managed to cheat your way to victory… what happens then?”
Vic shrugged. “Pretty much the same thing. I’ll teach you how to repair yourself and let you go with the same stipulations. You just have to know that a human beat you.”
Atlas laughed. “You are a fool if you think that could ever happen. I accept your terms, human. Guide me to the arena, those boxes of scrap will be reduced to dust.”
Vic walked him over to the arena as as if he were any other competitor, but instead of waiting by the sidelines to see the results, he walked back to their workspace. He knew that Atlas would win and wanted to try and make sure that Donna and Keiji were on board with the other part of his plan.
When he got back, Donna was nervously pacing around while Keiji was scrolling through some webpage.
“So.. Vic… do you really think that this is the right idea? You’re just… unleashing him on the world. Isn't that irresponsible?” Donna asked.
“I don’t think so. Yeah he wants to fight people but he has restraint to some degree. He knows the difference being fighting every random person he sees and fighting someone who has a reasonable amount of strength. I dunno, I think him messing up and fighting… Superman or something and taking a big loss would teach him far more than we ever could or throwing him in jail for being dangerous. Is it a risk?… kinda. But so is any option.”
“So your best guess is just… let him go and figure it out?” Keiji said. “Isn’t that a bit too… hands off?”
“Got a better idea? That’s pretty much what we got to do.”
“No. I don’t. But this just feels... risky.”
“Yeah, it is. But he’s fairly reasonable after being conscious for what, 12 hours? Over time, he’ll probably mellow out and if he doesn’t, I can take care of him then. But he deserves a chance like anyone else.”
Keiji nodded. “Fine Vic. If that’s what you think the best path is… I’ll stand by you.”
“Same, Vic. I want to believe in him too.”
“Thanks guys, really. Hopefully we can all look back on this and agree this was the right path.”
A horn sounded and a voice came over the loudspeaker. “Semifinal-2 has ended! The winner is the University of Michigan’s Atlas! Please collect your robots and be ready for the finals at 1:00 PM.”
The team stood up and gave each other a round of high fives. They really had made something great. Now it was time to see just how great he really was.
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Two hours later.
The team packed up after their semifinal match, citing an unspecified emergency with the tournament staff. They weren’t happy with the anticlimactic end, but ultimately they couldn’t force the three of them to continue to compete and so they left without much hassle.
The three of them drove north until they found the first open field that Vic and Atlas could have their match in. There wasn’t anywhere that they could find in the city that wouldn’t attract too much attention or put innocent people at risk and they managed to convince Atlas of that too. The robot was in the trailer towed behind the three of them, much to his chagrin.
But after a half hour or so, they found a spot. A wide open, grassy field with no one around to interfere or get hurt. A perfect spot for them to settle things. Vic got out of the car and started to stretch, trying to limber up after the car ride while Donna and Keiji helped Atlas out of the trailer.
Atlas rotated his head, taking in the environment. “A flat, quiet field. An honorable place for battle.”
Vic let out one lat calming exhale before approaching Atlas. “Plus, no one is around to get hurt. That’s important too.”
“...Yes. That too.”
“The rules are simple. A clean match, no foul play between either of us. Whoever is left standing when the other yields or is unconscious wins.”
Atlas laughed. “I will never yield.”
“We’ll see,” Vic grinned.
“Oh, one other thing. Not really a rule per say, but a strong suggestion: Try not to seriously hurt each other. You’re not trying to kill or maim each other,” Donna said.
“Yes, yes. May we begin?”
Vic nodded, and took a step backward, creating about ten feet of space between him and Atlas. Before the dust even settled, his arms were force cannons launching pure energy right at Atlas’ chest. Vic had designed Atlas, he knew that he wouldn’t be very damaged by those. But he had underestimated just how much he would be able to tank them. The force blasts did little more than chip the paint and an exhilarated Atlas sprinted at Vic like a charging bull.
Once Atlas was a few feet away from Vic, he prepared a concussive grenade and exploded it directly against Atlas, using the force to stagger him out of the charge. Before the robot could launch another attack, Vic swung a full force punch into the robots’ chassis, crumpling it inwards slightly. Vic followed up the punch with another, but Atlas was ready for it and parried it with his left arm, then kicked Cyborg away, sending him flying backwards.
Cyborg shot his force canons at the ground to give himself some momentum in the opposite direction, slowing himself down. But Atlas had some tricks up his metaphorical sleeves too. Having realized that a direct approach was difficult, he used his powerful hands like a backhoe to scoop up a massive piece of earth and hurled it at Cyborg. Vic was unsure how to react to this, or more precisely, how he expected Atlas to follow this attack up. The boulder itself was a problem, sure, but it was just to close the gap. Atlas could be using it to block his line of sight and be jumping right behind it, or he could be using the temporary blindspot caused by the massive object to approach from either side.
Instead of guessing, Vic decided to power through the problem. Vic shot both of his force cannons at the projectile, sending bits of dirt every which way. Atlas was hiding in what was once the dirt ball’s shadow and Vic took advantage of his surprise to launch himself at the robot. Cyborg shot his force cannons behind him, propelling himself forwards rapidly in a charge mirroring Atlas’ own.
He knocked the massive machine to the ground and sat on his chest, using his arms to pin down the machine’s.
“You’re down, Atlas. Do you yield?”
“I told you. I will never yield. I am the strongest!”
Atlas began to press his weight against Vic’s strength. Vic knew he was a match for Atlas’ strength but there was one key problem: stamina. Vic’s body was, of course, cybernetic in part, but it wasn’t the same. He was still human and human beings got tired. Machines did not.
Vic could already feel his muscle starting to fatigue. The fight hadn’t been long, but any fatigue was going to be the difference. He knew he was a match for Atlas’ strength when he was at 100%, but every percent below that made it more and more likely to be Atlas’ win.
‘I need to end this fight now or the immediate future if I want to win. But my normal attacks aren’t doing anything to him. I could try a sonic attack, but I don’t think that’d really effect him. I could try targeting his joints specifically, but those were designed to take more than I can give. But I can’t just let him overpower me for the win. That’d make him overconfident and more likely to get into trouble afterwards. No… I’ve got a better idea.’
In an instant, Vic’s muscles stopped resisting. “I yield.”
Vic pushed himself off Atlas, who stood up and looked at Cyborg, confused.
“What foe yields when he has his opponent on the ground, at his mercy? I demand you continue!”
“No. This fight was never to the death, only to yielding. But frankly, you aren’t strong enough to interest me. You said it yourself, you will never yield. And pummelling you to a point where you are the equivalent of unconscious just isn’t worth my time. So I yielded. Congrats. You win.”
Atlas stood, incredulous. “No. That is not allowed. I did not win. You lost! Those are not the same!”
Vic turned to Keiji and Donna and then noticed that the fight had taken them about 30 yards from where they started. He started to walk back towards them, and Atlas followed.
“Guys, I yielded that fight. Doesn’t that mean I lost?”
Keiji raised an eyebrow. “I guess?”
“See? Congrats, you won.”
“... I do not accept this victory. This is a loss in all but name. Mark my words, Victor Stone. I will wander the globe, facing foe after foe to grow stronger. I will become the strongest being and when I do, we will have a real fight, one where you must acknowledge my strength for real.”
“Looking forwards to it. Stay out of trouble until then, understood?”
Vic held out his hand for a handshake which Atlas begrudgingly accepted.
“Understood.”
“Atlas, catch.”
Keiji tossed a small flash drive to Atlas who had to bend down to grab it.
“That has all your schematics and drawings on it, as well as all the parts we used to make you and where we sourced them from. It’s probably the best thing out there to help you repair yourself.”
“Thank you. You all have given me much to think about it. When we meet again… I will be stronger in body and mind. Farewell for now but I will return to challenge you again, Victor.”
“I’ll be waiting. And I promise to go all out next time, Atlas.”
Atlas took off to the west, heading to only he knew where.
Once he was far enough out of sight, Vic laid down on the ground, exhausted.
“Well, that’s enough bluffing for the next decade. I really underestimated him.”
Donna sat down to his left, Keiji on his right.
“Told you that you were being cocky. We all built him but he’s out of all of our leagues,” Keiji said.
“Yeah… but I really wanted to do it, y’know? Kinda humbling to be beat by your own creation.”
“If it makes you feel better, I lost to him too,” Donna said.
“Wait what? When did you fight him?”
“I’ll tell you on the way back. Not my finest moment, but I put up a good fight.”
“Proud of you. You’ve come a long way in your training. But after that fight… I’m going to need to get a lot stronger and pick my own training back up. I kinda feel like I’ve been stagnant for awhile, just sort of winning my fights through grit and will power. But if Atlas had been hostile… I don’t think I could’ve stopped him. So, I’ll need to get back to the drawing board and see what I can do to take myself to the next level.”
“And we’ll be there to help you however we can. But uh… Vic, finals are in like two weeks. Maybe focus on that first?” Keiji suggested.
“I’d rather get beat up by another robot,” Vic groaned.
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Hello friends of reddit. My husband (30M) and I (30F) have been married for 6 months and it is not going as expected. In the beginning, he made it clear that due to his religious beliefs that he did not to have sex before marriage. I agreed as I had horrible judgement in men and was not looking to get taken for another ride again.
Background on him: He comes from an extremely religious family (Baptist). Worked his own business with the family since he graduated high school. He has also lived with his parents and has never lived on his own other than a year in his parents other home before his accident (he fell 27ft and had to relearn to walk). No drinking no smoking, only spend time with family and outdoor activities. Background on me: While I come from an abusive traumatic family I am currently 5 years therapy strong working on myself as it is my responsibility not my partners. I went to college and lived on my own until covid lay offs and I had to move back home with my father, which wasnt ideal. I work full time and have my own business; I am very motivated.
As time progressed he changed his mind and we ended up sleeping together. I asked for us to move in together for a lil while before we got married. My parents (divorced) were not okay with that but I did not care. He told me that we would need to sit down and discuss the idea of moving in together with his parents. I said; "Why would we need to ask permission we are 30?" and he said that we would have to in order to save face. I said "I am not comfortable with discussing this with your family as it is not their business." He said we were not to move in together until we do. I told him if he forced me to meet with his parents then I was going to tell his mother that we have already had sex so there was no reason not to move in together. He never set up the meeting. We never moved in together. He is very close to his parents in my opinion to the point it is unhealthy. I watch as his dad undermines, belittles, and ignores his mother with a smile and charming laugh on his face until she is in complete submission. She admitted to me that while she was clipping coupons for the family, he was out spending all the money on machines / equipment that they did not need. She has cried to me in front of my husband about how she still needs to voice her opinion even though it is never listen to or goes the way she suggests. That was a red flag to me.
My now husband of mine and I started to plan out life together. He told me that he owns his own business and has 60 acres of property and wanted to build a life there. He promised me that we were going to work together and build a home that we can make a guest house and eventually build a bigger home. He wants it to be similar to a Lowcountry plantation. I was all for it, finally excited that I had someone I could create a life with that we both wanted and deserved.
That is when things turned. He started to move forward on building a home for us without a permit nor engineer drawings. Before he started, I told him that made me very uncomfortable and I need security to know this home is done correctly since he will be out of town a lot and I will be left alone in a town I know no one. That made him insulted and said this is how his father and family did their home and he just moved forward on building it himself. I begged, cried, and pleaded with him to please let's get the water and septic out there first and work on a budget of plans / permits to break ground. That I was not comfortable living that way, my father was a GC and taught me a lot of what needs to be done for a home to be an asset. He waved me off, told me that my father was just a carpenter. I cried for months over it and almost moved the wedding back a year. His father was behind the scenes telling him and motivating him to continue to do whatever he wanted to do regardless of how I felt. He finally heard me after I threaten to postpone the wedding and stopped construction and told me he would get a permit on the home and drawings before he did anything else.
The closer the wedding got, the difficult it became. I gave him my pay stubs, W2, and showed my assets to him up front. I showed all of my cards and asked to see his in return. He said he would and he never did. When I asked him more than once he would get annoyed with me. I started to get suspicious. I felt as if he was hiding something. So I did my own investigation. It turns out that his father and him own the property together in a way that if one passes the other gets it and he only owns 20% of the business he claimed was his. I was stunned. Everything he told me was half truths. I brought it to his attention many times and he acted like he told me already. I told him I knew the truth and he said it wasn't a big deal and I am making something out of it that it isnt. If his father had more respect for his wife and for women, I would not be this concerned. His father throws trash on the ground and ignores rules and regulations while having a problem with authority at his own home. Now everything he doesnt want at his house is being thrown over to my husband's property (which is his too and he has a right to do what he wants). Being in that type of chaotic environment along with the sense of having someone stomp on my boundaries for me would be extremely triggering and something that I will not be able to do. He is already throwing trash and leaving debris and junk all over the property. I communicated my feelings and got met with resentment, anger, and denial from my husband. He told me that it was not going to be that way. He also called me controlling bc instead of spending 25,000 on permits / our home, he spend it on a brand new truck (he has two other trucks). I was so upset and said how could he spend that much money on a toy when he hasn't even provided a home for our family. He was texting his dad about the truck behind my back and he was motivated to do whatever he wanted to do regardless of what I thought bc I am "controlling".
I told him from day one that I am a career woman, that I am not going to be solely responsible for the household and I am not his mother and I will not pick up after him. I expect things to be 50/50 in finances and in house work until we figure out what works best for us. He said he agreed and was very happy with that. I then told him in order for me to feel comfortable moving out to his 60 acres of land, that it would need to be solely in his name and he would need to get a permit and engineer drawings. He told me as soon as we were married that he would move forward with that.
With all these red flags, I continued to move forward with the wedding as he promised me the world. He kept dragging his feet on the home construction and it was failing to be completed before our wedding. His dad was telling him to take his time it is not that big of a deal. 4 months before our wedding, his family and him expected me to live in an unpermited non CO having shed like house, with no power, water, septic, nor appliances, an empty shell, no sheetrock (his father made his mother live like that). In complete distress I begged my father to do a lease to own with one of his rental properties for me so that my husband and I would have a place to live after we got married since the home was in no condition to live in. My father begrudgingly agreed and then told me to not Marry him. I did always. My family ended up ruining the wedding for me and causing our special day to not be as special.
Fast forward a few months when it was time for us to pay our lease to own payment. He was late every month, got angry at me for asking for his part of the money, I asked him to help with the chores and he would get annoyed with me, he has not mowed the grass once (my father and I have). I can count on my hand the times hes raked the yard and done dishes. He makes double the amount of money I made but I am writing the checks for the bills. I am just asking for his portion and he told me that I am treating him like a roommate not like a husband / wife. I asked him to explain and he couldn't. I finally got fed up and told me to give me 4 checks signed so when he is out of town for work and I need to pay the bills I can. He handed me the checks and they had him and HIS MOTHER on the account. Admitted, I lost my cool. I was overwhelmed with the amount of involvement his parents had in his assets and life. He has made me feel like he has lied to me. I told him as long as my boundaries are disrespected and I have no say in our home and our life that I do not want anything to do with their property. He would get mad and say it was his and id remind him, no it is not. It belongs to him and his father. He said it is his home and he is going to build it the way he wanted.
A few weeks after that argument he completely distant himself from me. He was out till 8pm every night for weeks and I kept asking him where he was. All he said was "working". A few weeks later, I finally go out to the property to see a full blown house. Behind my back he was working on that home putting roofing, plumbing, tile, siding, everything! He told me we were going to work on this together. I was so upset, everything is half ass done. He let me pick out nothing. I called him on it and he denied it. Come to find out him and his father had been working on it behind my back. While I was struggling to pay our bills he was using his money to continue on building on the home without drawings, permits, engineering, nothing. He couldn't give me money for our house hold bills, but he could spend thousands and thousands on something he promised me he was not going to do. Then he proceeded to tell me what "we" were going to give his father a $2,000.00 fish finder for a present. I told him is he out of his mind we can not afford that (mind you he gave me nothing for my birthday though he did bake me a cake and it was sweet). I said you are going to spend that much money on a gift and you didnt even get your wife anything for her birthday? he said "you got an engagement ring, that was expensive enough" I said "so bc you gave me an engagement ring, that means you do not have to purchase anything else for me as a gift?" he just waved me away. I said you never discussed this transaction with me and you are saying "we" are getting it. He said "well when I said 'we' I meant me and my mother."
I just stared at him. He considers WE as him and his parents. Finally got him into marriage counseling and it does not seem to be helping. He has missed 4 sessions already bc he chose work over me. He is pulling away from me completely, no affection, no sex (I did not know he had an issue brushing his teeth so now I cringe in fear of getting dumpster breath anytime we are intimate). This was NOT like this during our dating time.
I feel like I am drowning and I have made a HUGE mistake. Typing this out makes me feel guilty for telling the truth and maybe I am being controlling and overbearing like his parents are saying? This is why I am coming to you people of reddit.
I feel like I am in a polyamorous relationship. I feel like I have escaped the control of my family only to end up in a place where I am controlled by another man that I am not even MARRIED TO. I feel like I am a ship with two anchors that are my parents, when I got married I thought he was going to help captain my ship, not be another anchor on my vessel to weigh me down. All my friends have noticed that I have changed and I am not my normal self.
How can I get my husband self reflect on how he is treating me and be dedicated to me and not his parents?
Am I out of line? is this weird? Am I expecting too much?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. I love my husband very much but I am stuck.

Producer: So, you have a video game for me?
Writer: Yes, sir, I do! It's a battle royale game called Fortnite.
Producer: Fork Knife? Is it a food-making game where you eat with a Fork and a Knife?
Writer: Well, No actually, sir, this is a shooter game where players are dropped onto an island where they must scavenge for weapons and resources inside people's homes while trying to be the last person standing.
Producer: Sounds a lot like that game PUBG.
Writer: Well, yes, it's Very similar to that.
Producer: So, Isn't that kind of a rip-off? Whats the point of making this game if its gonna be a Complete rip-off?
Writer: What if we give the player the ability to build stuff in the game?
Producer: Thats different enough. So how do we do the building in this Fork-knife game of yours?
Writer: Well, we add a building mechanic where players can gather materials and construct forts and other structures to defend themselves.
Producer: So, they can build in the middle of a fight?
Writer: They sure can!
Producer: Won't that make the combat complicated and kind of confusing?
Writer: Oh, definitely. Super confusing. And we're going to have this cartoony art style, so it's all bright and colorful.
Producer: Cartoony art style?
Writer: Yes, sir, we want to attract a younger audience, you know, kids and teenagers.
Producer: Really? And what about older players?
Writer: They'll probably play it too. Some might even play it so much while filming themselves sitting, eating, and drinking inside a room infront of a bunch of cameras to a bunch of digital people on some kind of streaming-platform out there. And some older players might even be so good that they can be placed inside a room with other players that are as good as them.
Producer: Okay, okay, But wait. Why would older players be interested in a game designed for kids?
Writer: Because it's free.
Producer: Oh, older people love free things.
Writer: And we’ll have these things called Emotes where players can dance and do fun gestures for no reason.
Producer: Why would they need that?
Writer: To taunt other players and express themselves, and making it easier for other players to get kills!
Producer: And we're sure kids will love this?
Writer: Oh, absolutely. They'll be flossing in no time.
Producer: What’s flossing?
Writer: It’s one of the dances that we’ll include in the game.
Producer: Ah, okay, and how will we make money?
Writer: Super easy, barely an inconvenience.
Producer: How come?
Writer: Microtransactions.
Producer: Microtransactions?
Writer*: Yeah, Microtransactions. Players can buy this thing called V-Bucks, which is our in-game currency, to get skins, emotes, and other cosmetic items.
Producer: So, none of these items give players a competitive advantage?
Writer: Nope, just cosmetics.
Producer: And people will spend real money on that?
Writer: Oh, they definitely will.
Producer: How are you so sure?
Writer: Because we’ll make it really cool and hard to resist. Plus, we'll create this thing called FOMO.
Producer: FOMO?
Writer: Fear of Missing Out. We’ll have limited-time items so players feel pressured to buy them before they're gone.
Producer: So, we’re going to exploit psychological weaknesses?
Writer: Oh, for sure.
Producer: Exploiting psychological weaknesses is tight! So, how will players get to the Island?
Writer: They’ll skydive from a flying bus.
Producer: A flying bus?
Writer: Yeah, we’ll call it the Battle Bus.
Producer: Why would a bus be flying?
Writer: Because it's fun.
Producer: But How does it fly tho?
Writer: Listen, sir, i'm gonna need you to get all the way off my back about why the Battle Bus can fly using a very big sketchy pop-able baloon but only moves one direction, okay.
Producer: Okay, let me get off of that thing.
Writer: Oh, and every few minutes, a storm will shrink the play area, forcing players into a smaller and smaller circle until one player remains.
Producer: Why would a storm do that?
Writer: To make the game faster and more intense.
Producer: But thats not--- never mind.
Writer: And we’ll have different game modes, including solo, duo, and squads, so players can team up with friends.
Producer: What if players don’t have friends?
Writer: Then they’ll be loners. Solo mode is perfect for that.
Producer: And how will we keep the game fresh?
Writer: We'll have seasonal updates with new themes, items, and challenges.
Producer: Seasonal updates?
Writer: Plus, we’ll add crossover events with popular franchises from all our child hoods we can think off.
Producer: Like what?
Writer: Well, i'm just gonna throw some names out there, just top of my head, *Marvel, Star Wars, DC, Avatar, Family Guy, TMNT, POTC, Rick and Morty, and a Whole bunch of other stuff.
Producer: So, we’re going to have superheroes and nerds fighting each other in a game where you can build forts and dance?
Writer: Exactly.
Producer: That sounds amazing!
Writer: Oh, it’s going to be super amazing.
Producer: And that's Fortnite. So, what do you think?
Writer: I think we’ll make billions.
Producer: We're gonna be rich!
Producer: Wow, wow, wow. Wow.
Producer: But wait, you forgot to say what’s the story behind this game?
Writer: Oh, right, well, the island is constantly changing and evolving. At first, there isn't much backstory, only younger and older players ACTIVELY hunting each other down and killing each other, but over time, we introduce a series of events and lore that shape the game's world.
Producer: Interesting. What kind of events and lore are we talking about?
Writer: Well, Each season, we add new story elements to the game. For example, there's this mysterious organization called "The Imagined Order" that's manipulating the island. Players uncover clues and secrets about them as the game progresses.
Producer: So, there are hidden stories and mysteries?
Writer: Exactly. One season, we had a massive meteor strike that changed the landscape. Another season, a giant iceberg crashed into the island, bringing new areas to explore. We also introduced a volcanic eruption that altered the terrain significantly.
Producer: Sounds like a lot of natural disasters.
Writer: Ye ye ye. But all these events tie into the overarching narrative. There's this powerful artifact called the Zero Point at the center of the island, and it's the source of all these changes.
Producer: What’s the Zero Point?
Writer: It's a mysterious energy source that can manipulate time and space. Different factions and characters try to control it, leading to conflicts and alliances.
Producer: Who are these characters?
Writer: We've introduced various characters over time, like Jonesy, who starts as a standard avatar but becomes central to the story. He’s sort of the player’s guide and gets involved in all the major events.
Producer: And these characters, they have backstories?
Writer: Yes, each character has their own backstory and motives. Some are heroes trying to save the island, others are villains seeking power. We add new characters regularly to keep things fresh and engaging.
Producer: How do players learn about all this?
Writer: Through in-game events, cutscenes, and quests. For instance, we might have a live event where something dramatic happens, like a giant robot fighting a monster. These events often change the map and advance the storyline.
Producer: Live events? How do those work?
Writer: At specific times, we host live events where players can participate or just watch something big unfold. These events are usually massive, with millions of players logging in to witness them.
Producer: That sounds like a logistical nightmare.
Writer: It can be, but it creates a shared experience that players love. It's a huge part of what keeps the community engaged.
Producer: So, the story is dynamic and ever-changing?
Writer: Exactly. We keep evolving the narrative with each season, adding new mysteries and plot twists. It's like an ongoing TV show where the players are part of the story.
Producer: And this keeps players coming back?
Writer: Absolutely. The evolving story and frequent updates make sure there's always something new to discover and experience.
Producer: Sounds like you’ve thought of everything.
Writer: We’ve tried to make it as immersive and engaging as possible. The story is just one part of what makes Fortnite a unique and exciting game.
Producer: Well, I’m sold. Let’s make this game!

Hello guys,
A few years ago, I wrote a post here about my existential crisis and I got many very supportive responses and they really really helped me. I’m writing here again with more thoughts that could be a bit all over the place, but maybe some of you will also relate. I trust people in here and I am looking forward to your thoughts, and feel free to share your own experiences.
So, as I mentioned, it has been a few years and I wouldn’t say that things got better. I do feel I have depression, I think I had it for most of my life, and I’m mostly just trying to distract myself, I guess like a lot of you guys too. I am trying to accept the fact that questions about the origin of the universe and “why, how, and from where” are unanswerable. My next big task is finding the meaning and purpose of my own life. And it is hard guys. I don’t know…
First and foremost, I have seen that a lot of people here mention distraction as a way to cope. But I think it’s like a double-edged sword. For example, I feel this deep existential loneliness and sadness every time I read a good book or watch a good movie, series or anime. When it ends, I just feel completely empty. While I’m watching/reading, I feel like I immerse myself into a different fantasy world. Especially when binge-watching… And when you finish, there is this “transition period” when you come back to reality and the world feels so meaningless, boring, dull, no magic, no nothing. So, in trying to distract myself I also cause myself to go through this “transition period”. I guess people who binge-watch might understand what I’m talking about. Distracting helps but only for a short period and after that I’m left feeling completely devastated, and I don’t want to go back to the real world. So, I started to analyze more and deeper, why the hell do I feel this way. What is missing in my life? What is so attractive about these stories that I watch/read? And I think I found it – there is one constant in all of them – a good group of friends that go through adventures and hardships together (for example some of these realizations came after I binge-watched the famous anime Attack on Titan; or just basically movies or series where there is a mutual goal between characters, for example, in my favorite movie Interstellar there is a group of people with one specific goal and they are trying to solve a very meaningful problem and are having conversations about the universe, etc.). So, guys, could this be it? Humans are social animals, so to have a very good, trustworthy group of people around you and go through life together sounds like what could make life most meaningful…? But to find such people feels like a very hard task… Even finding one person to talk about existential questions is hard, but to find a group where you all could be on the same level of understanding feels insanely hard because not a lot of people think like this. And you can’t force such things, finding deep connections as an adult is a hard task. Finding a romantic partner is even harder… I wish that I could just talk freely about such topics with people, that it would be “normal”. I want more people to talk openly about this and not pretend... Also, such a want or need for a group of people might come from the fact that I grew up in a very dysfunctional and toxic family, so naturally there is a need to create my own “chosen family”… I have some really good friends in my life, but only a few can go a bit deeper with me on such topics, so mostly I am alone in all of this. Sometimes the loneliness is so deep… It seems others do not feel as deeply this burden of existence as I do. Or that others for some reason don’t have this need for knowing why and from where everything comes from, don’t see the world for what it is but live in illusions and play games. I guess what I am trying to say is that it’s hard to find a person with similar goals and similar motivations (a lot of people have selfish desires and surface-level motivations). And I can’t take it anymore, the small talk and the surface-level conversations, I am so bored out of my mind.
I can sometimes minimize this feeling of dullness with some fun and adrenaline-filled activities, for example, I went skydiving and definitely felt a bit better. But such activities don’t fulfill that deep need of belonging. On some days I feel so fucking depressed and I hide it from everyone so well… I know a therapist can help, especially existential psychotherapy. But I want friends too, to be able to talk to people about this, whenever, don’t pay money for it, create genuine connections with people and do things together. For example, traveling to different countries, immersing into different cultures, and exploring is what makes me really live in the present moment, that’s when I feel most alive. And then to have a good group of friends and be able to travel with them and explore might do it for me. But this wish feels like a fantasy.
Another form of escape I use is daydreaming. I would call it immersive daydreaming. I can just close my eyes and start creating stories and narratives. Sometimes I don’t even need to close my eyes, it just all happens in my mind. Sometimes this helps me get through the day. But of course, naturally, there comes a want to actually experience what you are daydreaming about…
Finding meaning in a profession is a whole nother topic… I am really struggling to find a purposeful and meaningful job. We live in a time where almost everything has already been discovered – continents, countries, oceans, there are plenty of researchers almost in any scientific field and the research topics are becoming narrower and narrower. Of course, there is space, but sadly, for space exploration it is too early… So, most jobs feel like a rat race and just take your precious time… But there is no other option in this capitalistic society. I have various hobbies that help me be in the moment, so at least that. Of course, we can talk about creating something good for the world and leaving some kind of legacy when you die, but we all know that the earth will also someday die. So, talking about everyday life, maybe it’s best to see what is most meaningful to you in the present moment…?

Another topic I wanted to touch upon is these weird and unusual feelings I sometimes have. When I’m ruminating on the nature of existence, I can become so deeply present that I can almost feel the time moving. I feel like I’m too self-aware, too conscious. As if I can feel the earth slowly spin around its axis, almost can see/imagine the atoms. When I think about the universe, I imagine myself from above, from space, looking down below. Like right now I am sitting in my room, that is a box – I am in a certain country – on earth – somewhere in space, and all around is black. I – a tiny speck of dust. Earth – a small ball. ~Almost like in~ the scale of the universe (another good example could be the scene from the movie “Agora” where the camera is zooming in from space down to earth to one specific spot, also with that distant sound… (at 56:13)). And this image appears all at once in my head. And I walk around this world and see myself from two points of view, kind of. Does anyone else experience this? And in general, everything in life seems “double” – like I can see a person and I can also see atoms and molecules that the person is made of. Maybe not “see”, maybe it’s more imagination or understanding. It’s very hard to explain, but basically, all the things are just bundles of atoms interacting with other bundles of atoms. I can also see this duality in everyday conversations, work, everywhere – we are all just pretending, we are doing something to live, to move forward, but it’s all meaningless in the grand scheme of things. It’s meaningful and meaningless at the same time.
Nowadays I avoid a lot of things, like movies, series, books, media, etc., that are associated with existential questions, because they throw me into that panic/crisis state. Also, everyday stressors take me out of this deeper level of thinking a bit, so these feelings of intense self-awareness come and go. For example, when I was working in a very stressful job the everyday challenges took me out to the more surface-level problems.
The one video that really helped me, but at first, I was really reluctant to watch it, is this one. Brian Cox is so positive and calm. That’s the kind of attitude I want to have. Sometimes the clichés also help me, for example, maybe I should be looking at life like a journey and just have a good time? On the other hand, living without a clear purpose is fucking horrible.
So, these were just my random thoughts about searching for what is most meaningful in life and what my experience is like.
Thank you so so much for reading, these topics have been bugging me for quite some time, so it’s good to finally write them out. I hope this made some sense.

Im trying to understand why I developed this attraction for a mutual friend of ours, let’s call him Greg. Greg is also in a relationship btw.
So basically I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for 5 years now, I’m pretty sure I love him, but lately I’ve felt really uncomfortable with him(I’ll discuss the why in the next paragraph), and at the peak of my mental breakdown regarding the relationship, Greg saw me almost having a panic attack while I was trying to isolate from the friend group, came to me and asked me if i was ok. I tried to tell him that I was ok, tho since that obviously wasn’t the case he stayed with me and was really caring asking me if something triggered me, something about his tone or the fact that he helped me when even my boyfriend was ignoring me really changed something in me(?). I would never cheat on my bf btw, I’m trying to make sense of this to understand if there’s something to fix or if I should just leave
More context on the relationship: This all happened in February, when I found out my boyfriend had a “crush” for one of his classmates (he wrote it on his school notebook, thats why I found out). He didn’t act on it, but adding it up with the fact that he seems disinterested in me (sexually and tbh in every other way), plus the fact that when im sick he treats me like a bother, never cuddles me much, just stares at his phone or the void, (eg: im always the one cuddling him to sleep even tho im the one with sleep issues and would really appreciate some attention to calm down my anxiety before sleep), i started to feel even more unwanted.
When he gets angry he basically says that what I think is dumb or superficial, and overral is never receptive to my feelings, he also mocked my friend saying horrible stuff about them, and then said im like them. I have an abusive family and he knows and compared me to my abusive mum. When I was having issues with my ED he got angry at me and often gives me the silent treatment. Last year in june he also broke up with me telling me that he “stopped feeling love for me one year ago” and since then I never fully recovered.
Communication: I try to tell him what I feel, but he doesn’t get it, he thinks I’m just too needy or something. It’s also very hard to put in words, because it’s not just that I want more affection, it’s more the attitude he always gives me of general disinterest. On paper everything should be fine, I can’t fully explain what’s wrong, I dont feel seen or important, i feel like I should be ashamed of myself or stop bothering him, but im not even sure why exactly. On the flip side, one day I was walking behind the friend group, feeling a bit sad cause my bf was ignoring me again, and Greg told my him to hold my hand. And I thought that was nice of him to say, this was before I felt attracted.
More Greg: We were out for lunch with our friend group, and my boyfriend had to go to a party with his classmates after we ate while I stayed with the friend group, but when it came time to leave he just vanished, I had to ask Greg where my bf was and he told me he left. I didn’t yet realise I was feeling something for Greg, but we all went to his place. I was so worried about the fact that my bf would interact with the girl he likes that I started trembling, sat on the carpet and tried to calm down, and i was pretty discrete about it, im pretty shy and reserved normally so it’s not out of character for me to isolate myself, but again Greg sat close to me and started asking me stuff about what I was doing and engaging me in conversation and helped me calm down, then asked if I was hungry, cause he noticed I was trembling, and I said “a bit but if you don’t want to eat yet I can wait”, and he convinced our friend group to order food early just because I was hungry. After that he played switch games with me the whole night. He seems to be very observant of people, and he’s been so attentive with me. I hate myself for having developed feelings, I thought they would go away quickly but it’s been 4 months now.
I feel very ashamed, he is a good friend and a nice person, but now im avoiding him. Im trying to understand why I don’t feel the same with my boyfriend, im trying to fix our relationship, he is also kind but doesn’t seem too interested and whenever he gets angry it’s like a cold shower. I don’t know what to do.
Edit: I would never go for Greg, I think I worded it poorly but i have no intention of wrecking relationships

About two weeks ago I thought about writing a story under 1,000 words. Would you believe ... 2,093 words? Enjoy!
At 9 PM, my roommate Martine pulled her knees closer to her chest and corrected her balance on the bay window bench seat. She never once looked at me as I finished neatening up the living room behind her. I didn’t expect her to notice me. She was waiting for her new love interest, Baylun. Nothing short of setting her clothes on fire would break her concentration before he arrived.
That’s why I didn’t bother to ask her if I looked okay. Yes, I wanted to make a good impression on Baylun because being presentable is being polite. Also, I didn’t want to give Martine any reason to leave me without her monthly half of the rent. If she left despite me being as perfect as I can be, well, nothing I can do about that. And given how intensely she was staring out the window, I wouldn’t be surprised if she expected Baylun to propose tonight. On their third date.
As if she’d read my mind, she spoke without turning her head. “Would you add him to the lease? I mean, if you like Baylun?”
“My Aunt Gloria might okay it. There’s enough room here. We can ask.” Why did I feel the need to appease her and pretend I wouldn’t be uncomfortable as the third wheel in my aunt’s rental house? My best guess is because appeasing and pretending are the cornerstones of my life, I’m very good at them.
Luckily, Martine was already not listening. “He’s here,” she whispered, sliding off the bench seat. After picking up her silk shawl, she partially opened our front door. Footsteps coming up our front steps stopped at what I presumed was the top step.
Beaming, she opened the door and invited him in. The man who entered had to duck to get in and I had to stop myself for apologizing to him. He was well dressed, looked like the proverbial “million dollars” and as he bent to give Martine a kiss on the cheek, I saw his eyes.
I froze for a moment, staring at the wrinkles around his eyes. Inhaling sharply, I blinked and shifted my gaze to Martine. She’d described Baylun as mature for his age. She’d failed to tell me he was at least middle age. That may sound ageist and I’m sorry for that but Martine and I are both 22 years old and Baylun looked twice that. He might be kind and, as Martine mentioned more than once, rich, but he might also be constantly on the lookout for a younger model than the one currently on his arm. Far be it from me to pass judgment without proof, but I would need more than Martine’s affirmation to feel comfortable with him as a roommate.
Introductions were short if not sweet. Baylun extended his hand and shook mine, which gave me some relief. If he’d kissed my hand I would undoubtedly have done nothing except internally cringe.
“Are you ready?” he asked, looking first at Martine who nodded enthusiastically. Then he looked at me and raised his eyebrows as if waiting for a reply. My jaw dropped, in real time.
Martine stared at me for half a second before jumping in to save me. “Lise was just getting her sweater, right, Lise?”
Thanks for covering for me, Martine. My plans for the night included pjs as soon as you guys left, but how could I say no? Except for flat out saying “No” which would be unthinkable.
“Right, I forgot it, and where are we going?” I squished in behind Martine, reached into the closet and took the top sweater from the neatly folded pile in the sweater drawer.
Baylun made a noise that was probably meant to sound like laughter. “Heddon’s Hill. To see the stars. Cloudless night tonight!”
Martine clapped her hands a couple of times, giving me a jolt of second-hand embarrassment. “Baylun asked me to keep it a secret. He brought a bottle of really good wine. It’s in his car, right, babe?”
Baylun didn’t say anything as he put his hand on her cheek like she was a child. She stared at him, as if in a trance. He didn’t purr audibly but that’s the best way I can describe his facial expression. Then I looked him in the eyes and the silence that followed hurt my ears.
A wave of panic immobilized me. I looked away and struggled to put on the sweater.
When he spoke, he whispered but it felt like thunder to my ears. “Perhaps a heavier outer layer?”
Martine snapped back into reality. “You look cold. Grab a hoodie, we’ll meet you in the car.”
That was the out I needed. “You know what, I feel awful. Go ahead, enjoy. I’ll take cold meds and try to be awake when you get back, to hear all about it.” To convey sadness at missing out on being a third wheel and resigned acceptance of impending illness, I grimaced and shrugged.
Martine considered me for a moment before agreeing. She leaned gently against Baylun’s arm and squeezed his hand. “Could we be back in an hour, babe?”
He turned his full attention on her and nodded. “Yes. We will. Goodbye, Lise.”
I thought about saying goodbye and decided a coughing fit would be more suitable. As I covered my mouth with my left elbow, I waved weakly with my right hand. The two lovebirds got into the car and when I heard it backing down the driveway, I poured a couple of teaspoons of night time anti-cold liquid down the sink. To make sure I smelled like I’d taken it, I licked the spoon before washing it.
When they returned, Martine walked in at a slower pace than usual and Baylun put his arm under hers as soon as they were both inside, so she could lean on him. She didn’t seem upset. She also didn’t make eye contact with me. My first thought was she had a bit too much wine, but we’ve had drinks together. She’s always been a little louder, a little more animated after a bit of alcohol. I started wondering if she’d consumed something other than wine while stargazing. Not judging, just trying to find an explanation that didn’t scare me about her health.
Instead of speaking to me, Baylun nodded and continued supporting Martine, helping her through the house. I reasoned he was taking her to the bathroom or her bedroom, so I squeezed in beside him and ran to open her bedroom door. Baylun led her to the far side of her bed so he was facing me, and helped her to lie down.
Except he didn’t lay her down right away. He held her halfway between standing and lying down, stared into my eyes and put his mouth on her neck.
I know how this sounds. My brain undoubtedly recognized the set-up. Yet I was unprepared for what happened.
Baylun retracted his lips, revealing two bloody fangs and touched Martine’s neck as if searching for something. Just before his fingers found them, I saw two wounds on her neck. He positioned his fingers so his fangs went into the wounds. Martine shuddered for a second, then sighed and stopped moving.
I inhaled sharply. Nothing made sense and I couldn’t remember how to move. When I realized my hand was still on the door handle, I leaned on it slightly, turned and ran to the front door.
Baylun met me there. I didn’t hear him walking or running. He wasn’t at the door and then he was, positioned to prevent me from opening it. He wasn’t frowning. He didn’t lean towards me or touch me, for which I was grateful.
But his eyes. They sparkled, they were bright and lively, and they were wrinkle-free. He looked my age, not middle aged. He looked like the guy I’d met an hour earlier, only younger.
I took a step backwards.
He took a step forward and spoke, his voice quiet and calm.
“If you say anything to her about what you saw, I will deny it and she will believe me. Then I will show you what it’s like to burn in hell.”
This was the second time in one night life handed me a “get out of trouble” card and I grabbed it with both hands. Frowning with the hopes of presenting as confused, I asked, “Okay, I thought it was very kind of you to bring her home, but I think I get it. What’s our story if she asks?”
He crossed his arms and studied me for a long moment. “I’m glad you understand. You can take credit for getting her into bed.”
I nodded and brought my left hand to my mouth, trying to look thoughtful. “And you asked her to text when she gets up tomorrow? Or is that too much?”
He chuckled and uncrossed his arms. “That’s just what I was thinking.” He stared at my mouth.
A rush of fear froze me in place. “Everything okay?”
“It will be.” He pointed at the right side of my mouth.
A sharp pain on the side of my face woke me up. It was still dark. I was in my bed. I tried sitting up and learned my pillowcase was stuck to the corner of my mouth.
Instant panic. I picked up the pillow and ran to the bathroom where a quick glance in the mirror above the sink revealed the substance wasn’t glue, it was blood. As awful as that was, my initial reaction was “Better than glue.” A little warm water on a face cloth eased the pillowcase off my skin and I set the case and face cloth on the counter.
For a brief moment I felt absolute relief. I held onto the sides of the sink and took a deep breath.
A drop of blood landed on the right side of the sink.
Blood could be from biting my lip, or inside of my cheek or even my tongue in my sleep. Or a nosebleed.
Another drop of blood landed on the sink.
It was so weird. Nothing hurt. Not my nose, not my lip, not my tongue. I struggled to figure out what I did, why I would be bleeding. Did I do something foolish before I went to bed?
I couldn’t remember going to bed.
Time to look in the mirror. There wasn’t any obvious damage, so I used my fingers to move my lips away from the right side of my mouth.
My canine tooth was missing. Another, sharper tooth was working its way out of the gums. That’s where the blood was coming from.
I leaned in and looked more closely at it. The emerging canine was definitely tearing through the gum, making it bleed.
A scream worked its way up my throat. I stood up, ramrod straight, shut my mouth and gently placed the face cloth on it.
I tiptoed down the hall to Martine’s bedroom door. It was shut. She was breathing in a regular pattern, not quite snoring.
I came back to my bedroom and checked my phone. 4:45 AM. When did I come to bed? Baylun was here, I remembered him with Martine and then at the door. Seems like he’s gone, unless he’s sitting in the dark in the living room or kitchen.
Any other day, Martine would be waking up in two hours. If she does, I don’t doubt she’ll be excited to hear Baylun wants her to text him.
I want to throw up. A few hours ago, life felt so normal. Now a giant canine tooth is pushing its way into my mouth. Maybe the other one is, too. I don’t care to find out. I also don’t want to go to the hospital where I’ll run out of answers before the staff run out of questions.
Maybe I can take a couple of days off work, see if the new dental situation affects my sleep schedule. Maybe I can find a night job.
Or maybe I’m a vampire, condemned to a life of hunting humans and being hunted by humans. I’m going to wait until Martine gets up before posting this. She might have a lot more information on this.
My mind is clearer now. My memories are back. It’s time for me to disappear from Martine’s and my Aunt Gloria’s lives. I can do it. I must do it. For their safety, and for mine. Everything is not okay. Not yet.

My boyfriend (M35) and I (F30) have been together for 5 years. He has a daugther who is 8 years old and she is like my own - I love her very much and she loves me, we have a great friendship. When my boyfriend and I started dating, the mother of his child wasn't very happy about this and tried everything to break us up. My boyfriend at that time was overattached to this woman and did everything she said (he still does sometimes, but it has become so much better over time). She accused me of hurting the child physically (just because she was afraid of it, nothing like this ever happened), she shouted at me for taking the father away from the child by just being in their lives, she told my boyfriend when and where he can spend time with me and when he has to be with his daugther etc. We managed to keep our relationship and he has developed boundaries with his ex. However, this has caused us a lot of drama, damage and fights over the period of time that we have been together - mostly because of my jealousy, fear, insecurity and a feeling that I am not as important as the mother of his child. However, I have always taken care of my boyfriend and his child - they are the world to me. I pay the full rent of our apartment that we bought together, I also buy clothes and toys for his daughter (when she is with us - approximately 10 days in a month) and food. I have tried to be the best girlfriend even though I have had several setbacks - I am not an angel and I have my bad days and my insecurities. We have travelled a lot together - to Peru, Laos, USA, half of Europe etc. We talk a lot and share our problems and success. He is my best friend.
A few years ago I had a surgery on my stomach and didn't know that the baby pills do not have effect after this kind of surgery - I got pregnant. He told me that when his daugther was born he had a lot of problems and fights with his ex, because she cancelled the baby pills without telling him and got pregnant. He told me that because of that he he is not ready for another child right now and he wanted me to do an abortion. I was afraid of ending up alone with a child and I wasn't in a good place back then so I did it - the biggest mistake of my life that I deeply regret. This, also, has been a source of tension between us.
I have noticed some changes in our relationship for some time now. A month ago we had an argument over trivial things and he told me out of the blue that he wants to break up. I asked him for some time and to discuss it again when we are both calm. We did it couple of days later and decided to give each other a second chance - he told me that he needed to do some things alone without me (like riding a bike or going out with friends) and I acknowledged that. Everyone needs space. Two days ago I found out from his daughter that my boyfriend took flowers and cake for his ex (the mother of his child) for Mother's Day and I confronted him. The woman has caused so much unnecessary damage in our relationship and it hurt me. He has brought me flowers twice during our relationship and it seemed weird. He got pissed and then told me that he has thought about breaking up for two-three weeks now and wants to do it. It shocked me because I had tried to give him space, but at the same time to help him with his daughter and things at home. During those weeks, he had told me that everything is fine and assured me that I had nothing to worry about. I am devastated.
When I ask him questions he keeps responding me with three different answers every time and it confuses me. At one point he tells me that he is like 80% sure that he wants to break up with me, then again, 5 minutes later he is telling me that he will pack his things tomorrow, then he says that he wants to come and celebrate my father's birthday next day because he likes my family (even though he just said that he wanted to leave me)... I am so confused. We decided to take a break and agreed to talk about our relationship and what is going to happen in 4 days - he still keeps saying that he has made up his mind though. I am losing my mind and I am just in a shock. He is so calm and he seems like he does not care at all that he is going to lose me - I told him that I am not able to be friends with him right away because I still love him as my man and I need time. I don't know what to do. I am just so sad and feel like there is a big hole in my heart.
Thank you for reading and I will appreciate all your answers. I have never posted on any sites but I felt that I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you.

I was doing amazing in life, had a good banking Job was making pretty good money, bought a Mercedes, was getting all the girls, everything seemed like it was going right.
Surely after I gave myself more financial responsibilities everything started crashing down I started owing more and more money and now I’m about $30,000 Dollars in debt which in reality is not so much money and it something that with time you can payoff, but recently in November I lost my Job because I’m only allowed to work with a Work Authorization card and it expired, it normally takes 3-6 months to get it renewed and unfortunately for me in took 6 months to receive so my job had to let me go which I completely understood. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes I take all the responsibility but now I’m stuck in a state of depression and even think about taking my life which I would’ve never thought would ever cross my mind it being that im such an optimistic and happy person. everything seems to be going against me at the moment which makes things harder I recently was going to get my job back but now they require a credit check, which I also understand why that’s put in place specially for banking Jobs, but because I haven’t been working for 6 months I haven’t had extra money to pay my credit cards etc… so now I know that even though I had an amazing interview and the manager loved me i won’t be able to get a job because of poor credit history, it’s very hard for me being in this moment because I lost the sense of what’s gonna become of my life. I truly hate disappointing and although I know it’s not something that should hold so much weight for me, unfortunately it does because I know I’ve let my family down all over not being as responsible as i should’ve been.
Right now I got The love of my life back in my life and we have been doing amazing, we both want the same things and confess our love for each other everyday , I haven’t told her any of what’s going on because i thought I’d get my job back and everything would go back to normal, I’m now afraid I might have to let her go :/ because I cannot give to her what she deserves at the current moment, it’s hard for me to talk about my personal life and problems with people I’m close to, I like keeping things to myself and dealing with my problems on my own, I guess you can say I’m afraid of being judged.
I hope I can find the courage to see things though, I think we should all be grateful to be here no matter what problems we might have, but for the first time in my life I can understand why people would want to take their own life.

So for context I (21F) am the youngest of 6 siblings and when my eldest sibling, (my brother) turned 21 he died only days later in a car accident. Although this was quite some time ago. But of course coming from a big family it was difficult and completely devastating. All my siblings are 2 years apart from one another but due to how blended my family is I’m 7 years apart from the 5th sibling, who for this story I’ll call James (29M). Now this story may be long and a bit confusing but please bare with me as I try my best to write it. James and I are the one who are 7 years apart. We do not share the same dad, however he calls my dad “dad” and my father helped raise him and is on his birth certificate. After losing my eldest brother my mum and dads health declined rapidly. My mum had open heart surgery and my dad had 5 brain surgery’s. My mum to this day has never really recovered.
Now I know hate is a strong word, especially to describe your own brother but EVERYTHING my brother does just infuriates me. So here’s where I could be the A-hole.
There’s not one specific reason as to why I feel this way about my brother but I’ll try my best to explain. When I was 16 and James was 24, within a year he slept with 2 of my best friends who were only 17 at the time. I did not find out about this until they had already turned 18. He would steal the family electronics to pawn them for money because he was spending all his money on alcohol and drugs. If he was ever confronted about these things he would ALWAYS LIE. When I was younger and not working my parents used to give me any of their coins and I would save for the whole year so I could go to our local show (fair). Given we had such a big family and I couldn’t work I thought if I could save for the year it was one less stress on my parents. One year James stole EVERY penny a week out from the show (fair), I couldn’t go that year (he stole around $150AUD) .
Now a lot of these times my brother would just get away with it all because everyone felt bad for him or because he had a way of charming people and they would just pretend it never happened. Almost all of his previous relationships ended physically but he calls them all “crazy” to justify his poor behaviour. When I turned 18 and was living with my parents we were to pay board, so we could help them rent and any bills they had. Around a year ago we started buying our own groceries and cooking our own food. This was just so our parents could prepare us for the “real world”. Which in all honesty I’m so glad they did because it helped me tremendously! However my brother proceeds to eat everyone else’s food and not contribute to bills, despite having a well paying job. We even went as far as having designated selves and labelling things. Despite this, just the other week he ate mine and my boyfriend’s leftovers and then put the empty container back in the fridge!
Now I won’t ramble on too much longer but the worse thing of all is the way he treats my parents. All my other siblings have moved out so it’s just me and James living with parents. My mum being as sick as she is, is unfortunately the target to all of my brothers unwarranted out bursts. He yells at her and tells her “you just wish it was me in that car” referring to my brother who died and “I’ll just go kms and then you’ll have no son left”. My dad is less vocal during confrontational times but when he is involved James goes from calling him “dad” to calling him his actual name.
With all that said, that was barely a glimpse of what I’ve had to deal with. I used to come up with every excuse to justify all the things james has done. But now when I look at him or he tries to talk to me I truly can’t stand him. Personally I have never met a more arrogant and manipulative person. I can no longer make excuses for him. It breaks my heart to think of my brother like this but I feel like the a-hole because at the end of the day he’s family. So AITA?

You know they can't actually outlive me or do anything like what I can do and I will out exist them Mike was Rick Bush have a lot longer
And I can't just say that they're Lucifer there not everyone knows it especially my Galaxy Sierra and everything else and I'm real unlike him call me Brian is a mistake just makes me angry
Like I said some people wanted to make me their enemy
I don't think I'll live as long as I do well.
And I don't think they matter anywhere near as much as I do.
I really don't care about their words they're not even I want to know
Like I say some people think that they can do things for me in the last minute or something Rick Bush knows my reputation you can't copy who I am you can't be me I will outlive them I don't have that much longer
Is anything they've been doing with my name I'm going to make them regret
There are nowhere near anything like what IS
Are there kind of funny than trying to be Lucifer's like you're never going to be Lucifer dude just give me a pathetic loser you can't do what I can do you don't have any technology like what I have couldn't even kill me I'm way more valuable than them and I actually do have 14 Galaxy spheres they don't are 1944 idiot
And I don't need anything from them I don't want to pay for them
I said they probably think they can do something or whatever it's like now they kill everyone and everything and I can bring them back I 14 Galaxy which are probably trying to use or whatever it's like you won't be able to use them don't know you're fake
You can't use the name of a center star sphere and my name doesn't make you able to use the spear just makes me hate you that much more and we're and we're guaranteed to actually torture you
Like I said I can tell more about them they care about me
And I'm the one that's supposed to be having a good time here so we'll see how they like having most existence angry at them and myself I need can I find that they think a name actually helps
You think you don't know that's not your name do you think they don't know that's not your name do you think it made it doesn't make me angry we think you're into you actually in I have trillions of years to spend getting to know the people have been annoying me very painful way
Like I say I know what happened when Rick Bush actually kind of want what you really didn't win and how bad it was I know that you're going to fail.
And I know how angry I am
Like I say they're nothing to her to me big bush never will be anything like me
I mean just from all this crap it's really annoying pointless like that it are you kids show only one where I'm really angry and I'm an agent 14 galaxies that some people would have been didn't work to their will like I am I going to be how much longer will it be
Rick Bush Lily can't exist on much longer I was going to let him use this for very long he's from 1944 I've angered me he's trying to like blah blah blah eyes like the thetic
Humans will never rule existence or be anything
Like I say there's no making this better for making this up to me and I think it's funny to get out of so long and they're so short of time
Then why listen to me I want to do all this s***
I hope it's worth it cuz I'm not worried whenever Nori 80 trillion years old on the most ancient person and he distance itself and Harper centriole in the one person that they wish they were no one person that's going to make them regret using my name
Like since I've been using my name and I haven't been using my in the house considered to say you know what your mother's keep the f****** see if it does you any good cuz you never going to be me or have her education or everything they know you're not me.
I have taken saying that use blocking and deceptions and crap and cause I don't do that
So I really think they have it coming
How do you say I hate when people act cocky and all this s*** I think it's going to be later on no not going to act cocky earlier that s*** and I know you can be regretting
It was fine they actually think I actually listened to their f****** s*** like I care like this entertainment now I'm angry have been annoying to me for very long time
Like I said I'm not scared of him I know I'm going to make them regret I know they're going to suffer for incredibly long time longer than there than I could ever imagine they deserve it cuz they don't have anything no they don't have anything real do they act like idiots real people don't act like that.
So it's like I say every word I say is true. I deeply regret it you don't have got twenty or so years left and then that's it and then it'll be my turn
And just because I'm going out waiting Rick Bush instead of being like him and shooting him it's like oh yeah you want to do this way I make me more angry he's already done just about everything there's nothing more you can do I'm in but and all he does is blocking and I me I know I know everyone is I know how real I am I'm way more valuable than he will ever be and like I said I get to get to really make Rodney and everyone else suffer for this
I'm saying that they would actually be torturing and made to suffer just for my pleasure they really think my name matters that much that my name on them wouldn't wouldn't be known like I say I can actually go through time and space and have everything unlike them Maywood know them as fake
So you know 32 for you to eat at your place or whatever else I guess I wonder if it's worth it cuz I'm not going to be some nice and they know it just like Rick Bush scrabbling for more time he's not going to be more time is that I'm more important than he is you can't be me
And I do like him slowly but surely guy
Some people can't take frustration all that that Kim you know the thing is so funny and they're so young I never see yours like I have seen I never exist in a way that I have existed they're about to fail and be tortured my AFib I actually think my name will make a difference on their head
I will make them deeply regret what they've done of course did you actually tell me you know that's part of being a particle of genetic inventor my name won't save him from that

Hey! I have been through it for the last couple of weeks trying to figure this out like many others. I reached out to xfinity tech support multiple times on all ends and was always given incorrect information. They couldn't seem to understand that the bands need to be on their own individual isolated channels, not supported up thru 2.4-6 G. On their end, they're not seeing that the bands are not individual like we see it in our Xfinity app. I think some of the confusion is that on the consumer side we don't know that band steering is being used, and we would like to have control over our own functionality rather than xfinity automating everything so we cannot change our settings. Or the devices should just be compatible. There is *no longer* a separate "NETWORK NAME - 2.4G / NETWORK NAME - 5G" different login setting. It's all the same network name and password you setup. Anyway, most of the advice I have seen in all the forums asking the same question was also not helpful to solve the issue. But! I figured out how to fix this finally and everything is up and running. I also had trouble during my initial gateway setup after starting service where the app was not working at all and the connection setup always failed. It was ultimately because the error notification kept saying "must use WPA3 password." I told the customer service specialist multiple times but they were going to send someone out because it wasn't working. The problem was that the security mode for the password type was not set correctly in the settings. I had to select WPA3 Personal Only, then I could proceed to change my password and continue with the setup to finally allow me to login and connect to the internet service/network and not just the router. If you're having issues during setup with your new service where your gateway modem is working and connected but you can't connect to the internet -- go into your app settings and make sure that the security mode you selected for login to your network is the one your device requires you to use (WPA2 or WPA3). I think this is because my devices are newer 2019+ apple and require the newer protocols. I'm going to try to make a video to explain it at some point to show. The problem with the smart devices that require the 2.4G band is a similar issue. (The problem isn't unique to Google Nest devices. It can be any 2.4G WPA2 device, like a Dyson smart device, a Ring door cam, Smart TV, etc). There are a few different steps you have to take:

1. go to your xfinity app and do the following: wifi > wifi details > edit wifi settings > security mode: WPA3 - Personal Transition (NOT PERSONAL ONLY). This is necessary because the older smart devices that require the 2.4G IPv6 protocol will also require a WPA2 security protocol and cannot "see" or find WPA3 networks. When you select transition mode you allow the network and device to automatically communicate with one another based on which one they use, either WPA2 or WPA3. If it is set to WPA3 Only, then the WPA2 devices will not connect, and if set to WPA2 only, the WPA3 devices will not connect. Note that there is a toggle function that says "split bands" -- THIS DOES NOT WORK. It will automatically undo itself no matter how many times you toggle it on and select save. Don't worry about it.
   
2. login to a web browser and type in 10.0.0.1 (from your home network. not remotely)
   
3. under username and password type: username:admin / password: password. This is universal at first. Next you will change your password to whatever you want it to be. The username will always remain "admin." Note: the login is NOT your xfinity login info or your network login info.
   
4. Select: connection > wifi . You will now see a page with the individual bands: 2.4G, 5G, and 6G. Select "edit" next to the 5G band and toggle "disable" > save settings. Do the same to disable the 6G band.
   
5. Next go to: connection > status. You will notice that your 2.4 G band is now the only one "active" and the other two are disabled. You will also see that your security mode was changed to "WPA3 Personal transition" mode. You will notice an indicator count for what devices are connected to what band.
   
6. Select the "firewall" dropdown from the lefthand menu. Select "IPv4" and change this security setting to "minimum security low." Save settings. Now select "IPv6" and change this setting to "custom." Make sure that no additional "Block _" boxes are checked. Save settings.
   

Now you should be able to find your network on your device and connect the device to wifi to finish your setup process! For me, I had to reset the Google Nest Smoke Detector following the reset settings. I also uninstalled the Google Nest app. I turned my phone off and back on. I reinstalled the Nest app. I did not have to uninstall and reinstall the Dyson app. My iPhone and Macbook automatically still joined the network no problem because the login info is the same due to the band steering. I just got a notification on my Macbook saying that the WPA3 protocol was changed and said ok. For my Dyson hot and cool air filter I was able to pair the device and the network finally showed up. I followed the settings in the app and now that the network knows the "MAC address of the device" it is stored in the network's memory and they can find and communicate with each other now. Same with the Google Nest. If it doesn't work right away just try another time and it should work.

Important: the reason they automatically merge the bands and steer them is because the 2.4G is more unstable. This is true. You might notice that the connectivity will drop out occasionally for the devices which could explain why it might take another try to finish your setup. Don't worry about it. It will reconnect on it's own.

Now that your smart devices are connected and setup is finished, and your network knows their MAC addresses, you can revert all the changes you made to your network settings to go back to full functionality (2.4G-6 and increase your firewall security standards back up to your desired level. You just follow the reverse order of what you just did. Keep the 2.4G as is of course, but select: "5G > edit" and toggle enable on. Do the same for 6G. Now all your bands are turned back on and you have full access again. Go back to "firewall" and change the IPV4 and IPV6 settings. You will see on the top menu bar in the right that your security is back to "medium."

Go back to "connection > status." You will notice that all your bands are now active. You can see the device count for how many devices are connected and to which band they are connected. This may drop in and out so don't worry if you don't see the correct total. Sometimes the nest will drop out but it will reconnect itself on it's own in a few minutes. You can verify this on your phone by: Going to the Nest app and seeing that your "Protect" or whatever device you setup is good. You can go to the Dyson app and see that it is connected and get your status updates. You can also go to the xfinity app and see what devices are connected to your network as you usually would. Again, this might drop in and out with the Google nest. But! all your settings are restored and all your devices are now fully functioning and connected to your network :) You also might get notifications from xfinity on your iPhone once the devices are finally successfully paired to your network. Cool!

Important note: you can also use the 10.0.0.1 admin tool to manually add a device's MAC address if, for some reason, you still can't get things to work. I thankfully didn't have to do this because I figured out the solution, but it was going to be my next attempt. Thankfully, the Dyson has the MAC address for the device printed on the inside of the device. However, Google Nest unfortunately does not do this and you have to already be connected in to the app to view the system info. However, you could do a workaround for that by taking your device someplace else and using their wifi (as long as it is 2.4 WPA2 IPV6) to connect and setup the device in the app in order to find the MAC address for the device in the settings in the Nest app. Then you can take the device back home to your network, reset, and try to manually add the MAC address now that you found it (hopefully you took a screenshot or something :) ) Thankfully I didn't have to do this either, but it also would have been my next attempt.

Also, make sure you keep your password settings that you changed in your xfinity app to WPA3 Transition Mode. It'll stay that way for both 2.4G and 5G. This is important because the devices still need to be able to communicate and can only use WPA2. Also if in the future you have this problem again with another product, like perhaps an older Smart TV, you will already have the WPA2 functionality enabled.

I hope this was helpful! It's 3am but I'm so glad I eventually figured it out on my own!

Last November (2022) I met a guy at a bar, everyone was dressed in very formal attire so it seemed to be some formal event they had been to and were post gaming. (I’m assuming a work related formal event where nobody was aware of his personal life. Or everyone does the same and minds their business.) He came up to me and told me I had a the most beautiful smile, I thought he was cute so we chatted for a while and eventually my friends wanted to go to a different bar so I got his number to let him know where I end up.
Fast forward like 20 min, he comes to join us at the next bar, which is more of a club vibe. He’s buying drinks, we’re in the photo booth making out, he’s telling me I should visit him in NYC, all the things, then I somehow end up going back to his hotel room with him. We did everything but have sex—he specifically said we cannot do that, he also kind of freaked out when he thought it had gone in but I reassured him I’d never in my life do that after he specifically said we cannot have sex…even tho he let anything else fly up to that point.
The next morning, right at the literal crack of dawn, he’s like …you have to go. Gets me an Uber, barely makes sure I’m home safe (some other man got in my Uber and he was telling me to just go in the other Uber), and goes ghost once I text that I’m home. At the time I knew it was something fishy going on because he went from really sweet, perfect gentleman the night before to ✌🏻 the next morning.
I recently saw something that reminded me of his existence and decided to do a search to see what he’s up to. He’s kinda high profile? Not celebrity or influencer but he has a very googleable name on top of seemingly very known in his field….tell me why I found the wedding registry…he’s getting married in June LOL
His fiancée is also very googleable, more influencer adjacent so public accounts and a decent amount of posts so I did a bit of stalking…she has several posts about “photos she used to soft launch her bf” and one of them was posted later November 2022?? Also found out they were engaged November 2023.
Could the “no sex” thing have been for plausible deniability?
There’s barely a month between me naked in his hotel room and her soft launch posts and the relationship is not accounted for in that time.
There was a bit of an age gap, I was 23 fresh out of college and he was 31 or something. I was naive and not hip to slimy grown man games, especially grown men that aren’t idiots/ugly/lame/poor and that’s the reason they’re going after 23 year olds.
The worst part of this is his fiancée is beautiful and so cool and everything I want to be and I cannot in good conscience follow her on TikTok smh
TLDR; guy I hooked up with but didn’t have sex with seems to have been in the beginning of a serious relationship but there’s no concrete evidence of overlap. I’m not planning on saying anything to anyone but could his assertion of no sex been for plausible deniability?

Hey.. so recently I moved states. 14 hours away from home, out of an abusive situation. My husband and I had to leave most of our belongings behind, but we were able to keep our beloved pets and most of our important stuff. We still lost a ton, foremost, our home.
We are very blessed, albeit a rough situation, we have a new home with a great friend who is helping us so much. He's given us way more than we could ever honestly repay, and we're so thankful. But there's some things he can't cover for us.
Insurance, employment, etc.. I've been searching for a job. I've put in with a staffing agency a couple weeks ago, applied for a dream job per se, and been driving some doordash. I'm currently in South Carolina, USA. I know it takes time, but it's really hard on me.
I just lost almost all of my sentimental items because of the move, family hand-me-downs that I've had forever and now will never be able to hand them down. I was driven out of my own home, for the second time by the same person (long story). I had to leave all of my loved friends behind. Drive 14 hours with barely any of my belongings hoping to whatever greater good that my shitty car could make it, and thankfully it did.. but I've been through a lot. A ton. Because preceeding that, all the way back to November, I've been just dealing nonstop with back to back stress. So much that at one point I quite literally experienced stress induced psychosis.
It's been so much. I've been on an odd suicidal for months. And that's why we moved. To leave that bad situation and get our life back on track. My husband's also been suicidal. I can't say for sure that either of us would go through with it... but when you're mind isn't clear, nothing is clear.
I am at definitely an extreme low right now. Last night I was evidently suicidal again. If my husband hadn't been watching me I would have definitely self harmed.
I personally struggle heavily, and my husband does as well, for different reasons. We're both very traumatized individuals. Normal every day stress is already too much most days, let alone everything else we've been through.
I have been diagnosed with D.I.D., B.P.D., and they're suspecting more. D.I.D. is my latest diagnosis, literally last month before I moved.. I've suspected it for a while, but I was always kind of gaslighting myself.. B.P.D. I've been trying so hard to battle against since I learned I had in January of this year. It's all relatively new, and very .. complicated. I need professional help. But currently I don't have insurance. I don't know what to do. I can't afford the market place insurance plans (even if i had a job), I already applied for state insurance but not even sure I can get it here.
I need help. I fear at any given moment I'm going to break from reality, have a fugue (again), or make a horrible choice ruining things further.
If nothing else, I just wanted to vent or get it off my chest, but maybe just maybe someone has some words of advice, encouragement, a helpful trick to getting some professional care, anything what so ever..
I just.. I know it's never the answer. But the SH and alcoholism are very slippery slopes right now and I don't have the money for alcohol.. hell, I might not even have the choice if I experience a fugue state. That typically only happens when I'm extremely stressed out... and I'd say I'm pretty extremely stressed out.
I don't know.
Thank you.

First of all, thank you for reading this.
A couple weeks ago my dad passed away unexpectedly and I’m simply not able to accept it.
It was so sudden that when I was able to visit him at the hospital he vas no longer aware of things, he was not at all the healthy and full of life father I kissed goodbye the previous week.
Not being able to say thank you and goodbye while he could hear me has been killing me. I always was loving with him, but on his last days I was way too committed to my job and I’m not sure if he felt set aside by my attitude or lack of time for him.
That burden of not saying goodbye and all the regrets of things not said and done is making me feel miserable. Unfortunately, I’m not that much of a believer and therefore don’t find any comfort thinking he is somewhere hearing my apologies and words of love, so I feel that that’s it, that I wasn’t the son he deserved because that man was the most caring, loving, respectful and supportive that has ever lived.
I don’t think I can handle this anymore, has any of you been through something similar to this? Does it get any better? I would like to receive your experiences so I can have a better picture on this before doing anything.