Fridays episode Bob asked us to share wins, positive things and feedback.
I'm a first time mum with a nearly 5 month old baby, I definitely don't have much experience or any qualifications in this but I did want to share a few things from my experience and my parents, I'm talking to myself as much to Bob or any other parents out there, but so I don't just ramble on for too long ill just try to keep it to bullet points
When my parents were expecting me they had very heated debates about what I would eat, whether they would get shop bought baby food because it was more pratical or make it all themselves, because dad was worried about the chemicals. It was something they fell out about a lot. The I was born, I was born with PKU, a genetic condition that means I have an incredibly limited low protein diet and I had to have amino acid drink substitutes, which wet literally full of chemicals - the lesson - you have no idea what to expect and what life will throw at you, and it's okay to laugh at those things you thought were so important before. Youve just go to work with what you've got.
My dad would be anxious I was tok attached to my sippy cup, then realised I probably wouldn't still be attached to my sippy cup when I was 18 at a bar. I said the same thing to a mum who was worried about their baby only sleeps on them, I said well he probably won't be doing that when he's 21.
Fuck the people that go "just you wait, you think it's hard now!!" those people who can't cope for some reason with the idea that someone is actually enjoying their baby/toddler, your feelings are valid right now, you're allowed to be tired now, to be frustrated and look forward to the day when you don't have to breastfeed, when they are toddlers and go out on their bikes, and you don't have to push a pram! That's not selfish. it's okay to be excited to have a night to yourself, you're only human. You're also allowed to enjoy the newborn time, to enjoy when they're first learning to smile! There will be things in the future that will be difficult but also things that will be exciting! You can enjoy the moment without it being spoiled by the dread of the unknown.
My parents took me to London zoo, a big day out, I'm sure was very expensive and tiring for them, when asking me afterwards what was my favourite part of the day, I said the escalators in the underground/subway, take from that what you will!
Look after yourself first, your baby can wait 5 or 10 minutes while you have a shower, some food, a coffee, it's okay. It's not neglecting them taking a moment for yourself. It's not selfish, you are still human with basic needs and a baby demands a lot, and it's okay to recognise that and to give yourself a break so you can be the best verison of yourself.
The guilt people feel, I know I'm scared Im going to be that parent that has no patience, that shouts, that doesn't care about what my child is feeling, I don't know if I am the best mum in the world, but that very questioning, what could I do better? If I slip up how can I make sure I don't do that again? Horrible, selfish, narcissistic people, don't, think like that, they don't question their own decisions. The very fact you're asking that shows you are doing everything you can to be the best parent you can be, because you're willing to do better, to change, to adapt, to listen to your child and their individual needa and to show them that mistakes happen, and it's okay as long as we try our best. When it's "I'm right, you're wrong, I'm the adult your the child" no one wins.
Speaking to other parents we seem to waste so much energy in guilt that "I gave them too much screen time, I was sitting inside when we should have gone for a walk, I take too many pictures so I'm not in the moment, I don't take enough so I don't have any memories, I've not got enough sensory toys, I've got too many plastic toys" the list goes on and on and on. Your child is fed, warm, clean, loved, is safe, is and will be accepted for who they are and what they decide, that's enough! So many children or adults don't live in that environment, where they just get basic love or comfort, so if all you did today was cuddle and watch a film because they were teething or nap in your arms because they didn't sleep at night, you're showing them they are loved, and that's the best thing you can do.
"Results showed that parents who read 1 picture book with their children every day provide their children with exposure to an estimated 78,000 words each a year. Cumulatively, over the 5 years before kindergarten entry, researchers estimate that children from literacy-rich homes hear a cumulative 1.4 million more words during storybook reading than children who are never read to. "
You don't have to have them constantly listening to mozart or having sensory stimulation classes every 5 minutes, they're not going to fail exams or become a drug dealer because you didn't make arts and craft boxes that you see on tik tok, one picture book a day is okay. We can do one book, a day, we got this. ❤️ https://www.readingrockets.org/resources/resource-library/when-children-are-not-read-home-million-word-gap#:~:text=Results%20showed%20that%20parents%20who,estimate%20that%20children%20from%20literacy
People may ask us why we have children in a world that's at war, global warming, poverty, etc. I always say that the day we stop having children is the day we stop having hope (Recommend book/film Children of men for more on this!) , we stop fighting so that things can get better for the next generation and that despite all we hear on the news, we do live in a much kinder, more loving, resourceful and understanding world.
I'll finish this with words that encourage me as a parent from films and songs:
Frodo: what are we holding onto Sam? Samwise Gamgee: that there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.
I hear babies cry I watch them grow They'll learn much more Than I'll ever know And I think to myself What a wonderful world
The only way we fail is by giving up - Lies we Tell Mothers, Suzy K Quinn
I may not always love you But long as there are stars above you You never need to doubt it I'll make you so sure about it God only knows what I'd be without you If you should ever leave me Though life would still go on believe me The world could show nothing to me So what good would living do me God only knows what I'd be without you.

Forgive me out of character for how random this is. Trying to take my mind off of things in real life (personal and long story). And following the occasional idea I see of rewording patch notes to seem in-universe…. I thought I’d give it a shot. I will not be messing with all of the notes, otherwise, I would be here all day and some would not be able to comprehend in-universe. Feel free to tell me what you think of all of this.
Balancing
General

• All armor with above-average protection now includes heavier plating that can be slotted into any helmet. Any armor with an armor rating above 100 now also reduces headshot damage. Please refer to your email for instructions on how to insert these heavier plates into your helmets.
• Due to complaints about stolen valor after a mission by Helldivers who had not even deployed on said mission, it is now considered Treason to strike a pose when Helldivers return from a mission if you never were deployed during said mission.

Primary, Secondary, and Support Weapons

• CB-9 Exploding Crossbow - The Ministry of Firepower has reworked this weapon and released its Mk2 variant. It is now being deployed, effective immediately.
  • The tips of the bolts are now shaped. This will reduce the explosive radius, but increase their stagger power in return.
  • The Crossbow’s cable has been replaced with a heavier variant with a higher draw strength. This should increase the velocity of the bolts.
  • Unfortunately, due to the auto-draw mechanism that normally draws the cable back automatically being replaced with a heavier one, the Crossbow has been noted to be less ergonomic than before.
  • Additionally, heavier bolts had to be used so they could survive the more powerful cable. This will result in Helldivers being able to carry less on average. To compensate, all support team members will receive revised training to be able to pack more of these bolts into each resupply pack.
• LAS-99 Quasar Cannon - Unfortunately, due to budgetary reasons, we cannot easily manufacture more of these Cannons. In anticipation of a long, resource-intensive battle, salvage crews have been dispatched to recover any lost gear we can. This includes any lost Quasar Cannons, and any used Quasar Cannons that return are to be refurbished rather than tossed away.
  • Unfortunately, due to this mandate, many Quasar Cannons are arriving at Helldivers in a less-than-optimal state with somewhat degraded heatsinks. According to complaints, expect any issued Quasar Cannons to require 5 more seconds to cool off after being fired.
• BR-14 Adjudicator - The original version of this weapon has proven to be a colossal failure. Before he could be tried for Treason, the original designer of this weapon submitted an MK2 that appears to address many of the complaints received. Whether or not charges for Treason will be dismissed shall depend on if this new variant performs at a more acceptable level.
  • The designer has reclassified the weapon as a Assault Rifle, which should reduce confusion and readjust expectations when Helldivers request to be issued this weapon.
  • The weapon shall now be issued to Helldivers already set to Full Auto.
  • Previously solid but otherwise unused space in the weapon’s furniture has been reworked to include buffers and springs that will aid in recoil reduction.
  • To further aid recoil, the weapon has been rechambered to use a lighter and smaller, but equally hard-hitting round that is more readily available. This should allow Helldivers to carry more ammunition and acquire more from any source of ammunition.
• Laser Cannon - The Ministry of Firepower has released a Mk2 variant to experiment with tweaking the weapon.
  • By itself, the laser is more powerful and should do slightly increased damage
  • However, during testing, some have observed that those with large-volume bodies are better able to withstand the laser than before. Beware of this when using this against larger foes.
• SG-8P Punisher Plasma - Similar to the Laser Cannon, an MK2 variant of the weapon has been released and is being issued in place of the previous version.
  • This new variant has been observed to have a higher projectile velocity than before. But the density of the plasma has also been increased, which may cancel out any otherwise perceived increases in the weapon’s range.
  • Due to the denser plasma projectiles, the plasma explosions have an improved lethal radius (not an increased effective radius). Expect fewer surviving enemies due to being on the edge of the blast.
  • Due to the more dense plasma charge, the plasma cells are heavier than before. Expect to be able to carry far less ammunition. To compensate, support crew staff shall also receive additional training to pack more into each resupply pack.
  • To ease confusion among the Helldivers, the weapon has been reclassified as an Energy weapon
• ARC-12 Blitzer - Improvements to Tesla technology, initially employed with upgraded Tesla Towers and Arc Throwers, have been successfully implemented into the ARC-12 Blitzer in its MK2 variant. These shall be issued at once and will replace the original variant.
  • Due to the improvements, the weapon has been observed to fire roughly 50% faster at best.
  • To ease confusion among the Helldivers, the weapon has been reclassified as an Energy weapon
• R-36 Eruptor - Due to the popularity of the Eruptor, we are receiving reports of a shortage of the ammunition that this weapon requires. To maintain the ability to employ this weapon, a mandate has been declared and a lower-grade variant of the ammunition shall be issued in place of what we used before.
  • This new ammunition has been observed to be much heavier. Expect to only be able to carry half as much as you could before.
  • Additionally, the rounds appear to have a smaller payload than the original rounds. Expect more enemies who are merely on the boundary of this weapon’s blast radius to survive.
• LAS-16 Sickle - Due to the popularity of the Sickle and poor trigger discipline, Super Earth is encountering a shortage of the heatsinks used by the Sickle and Scythe. To maintain the ability to use these weapons, Super Earth has issued direct orders to ration the ICE.
  • Helldivers are no longer allowed to carry more than 3 ICE at a time.
• Scythe - The Ministry of Firepower has released an MK2 variant that improves the damage at no downside. Unfortunately due to the shortage of heatsinks caused by the LAS-16 Sickle, the Scythe has also been affected by the direct order to ration the ICE.
  • The improvements have increased the weapon’s damage output by roughly 16%, at no downside.
  • Helldivers are no longer allowed to carry more than 4 sets of ICE at a time for this weapon.
• Railgun - While we are still encountering shortages of the rare and highly valuable materials needed for the ammo that this weapon previously enjoyed, we have managed to source a better material for the ammo than what was procured in a hurry before.
  • The new material used in the ammunition should result in a universal increase in the weapons’ ability to penetrate armor, both in Safe and Unsafe mode.
  • However, this penetration improvement has had the unfortunate downside of making the projectile prone to overpenetration, leaving less kinetic energy to dump into the target. Expect enemies to feel less of the impact, and thus stagger, less than before.
• MK-101 HMG - Following Helldiver complaints about the practicality of using a bulky weapon with difficult-to-read optics, an MK2 version of the weapon has been released to address these issues and make the weapon easier to use on short notice.
  • The improvements to the sights and optics should permit a helldiver to more easily acquire their target, reducing the need to focus on aiming more intently.
• Diligence Counter Sniper - Thanks to the invention of a new powder type for gunpowder weapons, new and improved ammunition has been released. But the Counter Sniper is also getting an MK2 version, with improvements to address its ergonomic gripes.
  • Expect the new round to hit considerably harder at no downside
  • The improved ergonomics should make it easier to acquire a target quickly.
• Diligence (base) - While no new version of the base Diligence has been released, the base rifle will still use the improved ammunition
  • While not able to compete with the MK1 CS model’s power, the base Diligence should hit harder than before still due to the new ammo.
• P-19 Redeemer - Following complaints about the lethargic recoil leading to extraction failures, an MK2 version of the P-19 has been released. The P-19 MK2 has been rechambered for a different round. While the new powder charge is found in this new round, it is serving to bring the replacement round back up to the original round’s capabilities, while increasing recoil enough to prevent needless stoppages of the dispersal of democracy.
  • The weapon’s recoil has been increased, an unfortunate consequence of addressing the jamming problem this weapon had previously.
• Peacemaker - The Peacemaker’s ammunition also received improvements following the improved powder charge’s invention
  • Expect the new ammo to hit ever so slightly harder than before.
• Senator - The Senator seems to benefit the best from the improved ammunition. In addition, to address issues that came as a natural limitation of revolver designs, all Senators from here on shall be issued alongside a speedloader.
  • The improved ammunition should hit considerably harder than before
  • The now-issued speedloader should permit the refreshment of an entire fully depleted cylinder in one fell swoop.
• Dagger - Similar to the Scythe, improvements to the weapon’s internals have been made, leading to the release of an MK2 variant.
  • You can expect a roughly 25% damage increase as a result of these improvements.
• Liberator / Liberator Concussive - Similarly, both the base and Concussive Liberator have enjoyed improvements to their stopping power following the release of the new ammo type. Unfortunately, while the Penetrator is also using the new powder charge, this has instead led to overpenetration in the round, preventing that variant from enjoying any substantial benefits from the new charge type.
  • Both the Liberator and Concussive variants should hit slightly harder now.
• Guard Dog Rover - Unfortunately, due to the mandate to ration the ICE packs, all Rovers have had their power output turned down to reduce the strain on their ICE and reduce the odds of them needing replacement later. The improvements to the Scythe used by the drone should help compensate and lessen the drone’s loss of power.
  • Expect an average 30% reduction in the drone’s average damage output.
• Guard Dog - The new powder charge has benefited this version of the Guard Dog at least…
  • Expect a slight increase in damage output from this drone variant.
• Fire damage - In response to too many Helldivers being tragically lost to fire, fire retardant materials have been interwoven into the fabric of all armors going forward to improve the odds of survival in the unfortunate event of catching fire. Unfortunately, it seems our enemies have similarly adapted and now enjoy similar resistance, one way or another.

Enemies

• Bile and Nursing Spewers seem to have gained a negative mutation from the TCS Termnicide, a silver lining, no doubt considering current events. They appear to be considerably heavier now and thus considerably slower.
• Automaton Hulks appear to have been redesigned to have better weight distribution, making it more difficult to stagger them.
• Due to the actions of a heroic spec-ops Helldiver team, the Automatons are experiencing a severe shortage of napalm. To work around this, filler additives are being added to what reserves the Automatons have left, resulting in Hulk Scorchers having less lethal potential when using their flamethrowers directly on their targets.
• The Automatons have released a MK2 version of the thrusters used by their gunships, resulting in improved sideways agility and speed.
• The faceplates of the Scout Striders have been improved, making it more difficult to damage the pilot through this plate using explosives.
• The Terminicide has mutated the Spore Spewers to gain armor and various structural redundancies, making it more difficult to destroy them.
• Due to the same Spec-Ops Helldiver team, the rare resources used by Gunship Fabricators are in short supply. Intercepted transmissions have revealed rationing of this resource, resulting in fewer gunships on average being allowed to be present at once per fabricator.

Again, I apologize for any goofs I may have made. I likely could have done better, but I'm a bit rusty in the writing department honestly. If you like it or have thoughts or suggestions, do let me know.

I will start by saying.... I was young, stupid, and desperate to matter to someone. (I am now in a better place and know I am a badass.)
My ex and I met in highschool and got engaged after one year together. We were together for 8 years and married for two of those years. I could honestly write a book about these years in my life..... But today is the saga of the rims.
My ex was obsessed with the idea of a threesome. Any other woman would do. And he made it clear that this was something he would not leave alone. (I am bisexual.) A few months after getting married, I found out I was pregnant. After the baby was born, he used my postpartum depression as a reason I should find a participant for a threesome.
I caved and one of my friends (B. Itchy) was brought in. I hated it. I told them both that I wasn't ok with it and we all wouldn't be messing around anymore. They decided that they were going to keep going behind my back.
Noticing how distant he was, I tried to make our marriage work. He talked me into quitting my job. He then began to hoard the money. He was showering her with gifts and dates while our baby and myself went without food.
My mother saw that I was dropping weight and that I would bring the baby to the house to make sure they were fed. She figured out what was going on. She found a letter saying that our home was up for Sheriff Sale, leaving me and the baby homeless.
Parents and family friends scooped up our belongings and got us settled in with my parents. My dad found these chrome plates rims that the ex bought from a friend instead of getting prenatal care.
We recycled the damn things and bought diapers and some necessities for me and the baby. He didn't care that I left or that the baby was going without food. he only cared about those rims. I lied. I told him someone must have stolen them from the yard.
More than a decade later, I am married to an amazing man, have two beautiful children, and no longer live anywhere near my ex. He married her and they are living miserably ever after.

Yesterday, FDA announced a final rule amending the FDA’s regulations to make explicit that in vitro devices (IVDs) are devices under the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act (FD&C Act) including when the manufacturer of the IVD is a laboratory.

FDA defines laboratory-developed tests or LDTs as IVDs that the FDA has described as intended for clinical use and designed, manufactured and used within a single clinical laboratory that meets certain regulatory requirements.

Along with the new FD&C Act amendment, the FDA also issued a policy to phase out, over the course of four years, its general enforcement discretion approach for LDTs; and issued targeted enforcement discretion policies for certain categories of IVDs manufactured by laboratories.
Scope of the LDT Final Rule
The scope of the final IVD rule is broad and as STAT News writes, “The infamous faulty blood tests from Theranos fall into this category, as well as misleading prenatal genetic tests.”
FDA Commissioner, Robert M. Califf, said, “LDTs are being used more widely than ever before – for use in newborn screening, to help predict a person’s risk of cancer, or aid in diagnosing heart disease and Alzheimer’s. The agency cannot stand by while Americans continue to rely on results of these tests without assurance that they work. The final rule announced today aims to provide crucial oversight of these tests to help ensure that important health care decisions are made based on test results that patients and health care providers can trust.”
LDT Guidance Documents
Along with the press release, FDA also issued following draft guidances:

• Enforcement Policy for Certain In Vitro Diagnostic Devices for Immediate Public Health Response in the Absence of a Declaration under Section 564. FDA Draft Guidance for Laboratory Manufacturers and Food and Drug Administration Staff. May 2024 [PDF]
• Consideration of Enforcement Policies for Tests During a Section 564 Declared Emergency. Draft Guidance for Industry and Food and Drug Administration Staff. May 2024 [PDF]

SOURCE

• FDA Takes Action Aimed at Helping to Ensure the Safety and Effectiveness of Laboratory Developed Tests. FDA News Release. 29 April 2024 [archive]
• News Coverage: STAT News, RAPS (arc)
• Also read:

Das RK, Drolet BC. Lessons from Theranos - Restructuring Biomedical Innovation. J Med Syst. 2022 Apr 4;46(5):25. doi: 10.1007/s10916-022-01813-3. PMID: 35378645; PMCID: PMC8979578.
They Trusted Their Prenatal Test. They Didn’t Know the Industry Is an Unregulated “Wild West.” By Anna Clark, Adriana Gallardo, Jenny Deam and Mariam Elba. ProPublica. 6 December 2022 [archive]

Related: FDA's proposal to regulate IVDs, VALID Act

I first learnt how ingrained anti-union thought was after successfully winning a problematic member’s job back.
The basics are that he may have enjoyed a medically-approved inebriating substance which had far too much fun stuff in it. It affected his work, and after a near miss he was drug tested. Ultimately we showed it was an error as his prescribed medication was above a threshold set by the employer, and there could be a working relationship between the member and the employer.
To this day, this man is all “unions protect lazy workers” and “we don’t need a union, our employer is great”. Every now again he’ll admit that he should’ve never taken his job back, because he would’ve done better elsewhere, before accusing us of wasting resources on undeserving members. One time I asked if he was one of those members, and I thought he was going to hit me. Turns out, he never needed the union, and would’ve got his job back regardless of our efforts.
Canada/agriculture

Sorry for possible bad writing, im not the best at writing, so feel free to ask questions if you misunderstand anything.
So i have been living with my grandmother, uncle and aunt for about 3-4 years now, i am 20, i moved here when i was 16 after living with my grandmother as my guardian for around 8 years. When i lived with my grandma i was not in dare say a "strict" house more that i was just punished heavily for bad actions, such as getting smacked or beat for doing stupid shit, which i will say i hold no trauma from or really feel bad about any of it, looking back at how i used to act i probably would have done the same if i was my own kid, but that isn't what this is about. What this is about is that after covid my grandmother lost almost all her money and we had to move into the same house with my Aunt and Uncle, which i am forever grateful for them doing that. But i have to say this family pisses me off more than anything else in my life. So basically since i was raised in a house were we i did stupid shit i was punished, but in this house my cousins i live with can get away with just about anything and i have to grin and bear it because for some reason my instinctual reaction is "This is bullshit, i did the same type of shit and was beaten over it and they get to walk free" which i guess i understand that kind of a reaction can be seen a bad, but i can't seemingly help figure out how to change it. Plus on top of this I truly feel like my aunt and uncle brought me in not because they love me, but because they love my grandma and they knew that if i was taken with my grandma she wouldn't have come. I only feel this because, actually let me kind of go into a side thing below, feel free to skip it it just has some heavy childhood trauma that can add more context to my emotions here.
So i came under the guardianship of my grandma because my mom and dad were extremely abusive toward each other, and spiraled heavily into drugs, at that time i lived in a really run down trailer park with them and grew up in some really bad areas. But i have been told as i have gotten older the story of my mother more. So she started drugs at around the age of 14, and my uncle being her older brother watched the carnage that was caused on my grandma from her doing drugs, fighting a lot, and going to jail a couple of times. so now when im with my grandma visiting this part of the family far in the past when im about 12ish my uncle pulls my grandma aside and talks alone in his garage, and i followed, hearing in that apparently my uncle can't stand the sight of me, because all he can see is another mistake from his sister, and now in the modern day living with him again i can't stop thinking that what if he still thinks this way, making me think truly im not welcome in this house, and im only here to make my grandmother happy. So cutting about 2 more years into the future i stay at this house with them for the summer, with my grandma believing it would be good for me to interact with the family more. But that summer was the worst summer of my life, I was punished worse than i was by my grandma or parents, for simply defending myself. A couple of examples i can give is, my younger cousin, he has been spoiled and called the golden child his whole life, so when i didnt want to hang out with him or play games with him he would scream and cry his head off and i got punished by being forced to eat soap, or hit with a wooden spoon even though i really didnt do much, but they didnt care for my side of the story because their golden child was upset. Then my older cousin, she used to make fun of me constantly, calling me fat, saying im a parentless worthless piece of shit and ETC. But she even went back to her school after that summer to go and tell everyone there i was a menace who beat her younger brother damn near to death and sent him to the hospital, and that lie caused me to almost lose a friend of mine who went to the same school as her. She was exposed to it but instead of being punished or anything she was simply just yelled at and this whole horrid situation was brushed off. But that is enough of the backstory back to the main problem.
Now i am stuck living with the again except it is permanent till i can move out. But i feel so much rage and anger towards the people here because of what happened in the past, not that i can let go, it is because after all this has happened nothing has changed. My uncle still talks to me like im stupid constantly, my younger cousin has gotten away with basically never bathing, dropping out of school at 16, and doing nothing but being a unmoving blob that stays in his room 24/7 and has flat out said he couldnt care less about this family. And my older cousin still lies to her boyfriends and friends about me telling them because im now a big dude, that im a "Scary Criminal" and a "Hopeless Druggie". And im so fucking angry that this shit is still happening but i try to grin and bear it for my grandmother, but sometimes it gets let loose and because of that now i have been labeled the "Grumpy Asshole" of the family, so much so even during christmas of last year a good chunk of my gifts were stuff about how grumpy i am. and this label has seemingly been pushing me and my grandmother apart. So much so she doesnt do much with me anymore, doesnt really talk with me that much, and spends most her time with the younger cousin even homeschooling him now (even though all he does is cheat and take 400 breaks and goes back to his room never to be seen again.) So now i find myself almost falling into that lazy grumpy asshole trope because im just constantly pissed by living around this kind of environment. I will say i am grateful to have a house to live in and food to eat, but my mind is being torn apart from living here, so i truly ask, am i just an asshole? and if not what should i do? like i dont know anything to do and i feel like shit because of my anger and my inability to seemingly release correctly due to lack of money or past trauma.

Hi all (throwaway account here).
Do you think I'm eligible for the EB2 NIW? Do I have any other visa options? I really struggle with the Dhanasar criteria.
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My background is the following:
British Citizen
AI Engineer (military research)
Experience working with the US military/government (my current company will write letter(s) stating in broad terms all the work I have done for them)
Extensive industry research experience and development of several novel unpublished techniques
MSc in Artificial Intelligence & BSc in Mathematics from global top 50 universities
1 conference publication (shared with other authors), none of my other work is public
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The main issue is that don't know how to meet the Dhanasar criteria. I cannot continue to work in military AI while in the US because I can't get US security clearance as a non citizen, so what other endeavor am uniquely well positioned to advance while in the US?
Dhanasar Criteria:
"The following are the 3 prongs of the Dhanasar case:

• The proposed endeavor has both substantial merit and national importance.
• You are well positioned to advance your proposed endeavor.
• On balance, it would be beneficial to the United States to waive the requirements of a job offer, and thus the labor certification.

Your proposed endeavor must be something that will benefit the United States and must go beyond the confines of your current job, your workplace or a locality."
Is there anyway for me to meet this criteria? How do other people meet it?
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Other options:
I have tried applying for jobs and going down a sponsorship route, but all the employers in other parts of my field I spoke too don't want to sponsor someone without first seeing examples of their work/research, which I'm not allowed to share.
Help!?

i tried my best explaining this if you need context i will do so
i am american and he’s from the united kingdom. we have gotten along very well with each other and our personalities just fit the pairing. everyone on my family side said it was meant to be. i’ve take multiple trips to the uk and for months and months at a time. but when it was time to settle to get visas the requirements changed making it difficult. when we’re not together there’s always micro arguements and miscommunication that are usually solved. with that he wanted to go out with friends and i said okay and noticed he was somewhere were he would make sure he tells me and that’s a nightclub/bars so i don’t overthink. he didn’t tell me i got upset and felt insecure like he was doing something. he basically had a phase of apologizing and apologizing then it turned into pure anger. i’ve never seen him mad yell at me or call me hurtful things. he picked up and left blocked me everywhere saying he’s done and he “never gets freedom” and he goes out. i don’t go out for two reasons because he doesn’t want me to be out in a position where males are around and because he’s said “i don’t want you to be around….” convo ended i didn’t go. in my head whenever friends reached out asking to hang out i’ve always politely decline because i don’t want him to be upset at me. a little before the breakup and i was upset because there we was always an excuse. i kept mental notes of him saying he was going something but also made an additional trip somewhere else and i looked past it. after two solid years of constantly fighting to be together and planning a wonderful future. he wasn’t willing to put in the work and do the time for me. i’ve offered other solutions but he wasn’t interested and he was done with me. i was absolutely heartbroken and destroyed that my soulmate lover,best friend and (almost) fiance had left me. there was nothing i can say or do to fix it. i was in a state of panic and put my self into a mental hospital because i was scared what i might do with myself. he texts my friend since he can’t get a hold of me and asks her a question and my friend blatantly lied. it added on to the angry texts making me feel like absolute shit. when i was hospital he slept with 2 girls and 10+ women he’s currently speaking to. he’s been partying and drinking and taking drugs to hide his pain. i forgave him but he doesn’t see us ever working and pushing everything against me as if i fucked up his life. im bad with expressing my emotions unless i write on paper and im trying to explain we can work on us and its the constant back and forth of blocking. he’s still at a point where he doesn’t want to be with me rn and maybe later when it’s convenient for him. i’ve been begging for the past 2ish weeks and nothing is letting him up. im fully convinced he’s codependent on drugs he’s taking. and saying things he doesn’t mean and acting wild because of it. when we had some type of decent friendship for one night while drunk and under the influence he confessed his love for me and now much he wants to work but the morning of everything changed. he wants to be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. he told me if i wanted to wait for him i can, but the moment i touch or talk to another guy he will never date me. but he made it clear to me that he will sleep with as many girls as he wants. im like beyond upset. idk what to do. he was the absolute light in my life and the best person to be around how do i cope??

My girlfriend (F19) & I (M19) were in a turbulent long distance relationship during college. We experienced mixed emotions. Long fights. Longer conversations. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. Although late, my plan to surprise her was peculiarly unfolding. A day before we're supposed to meet in Bangalore & travel to Goa. I hop on a train with a ticket which is not confirmed. My bank account has ₹18k that is meant for college tuition fees.
How did I reach the city whose cool breeze feels promising? Part-time loitering in the train. Part-time in a rectangular box that stored the blankets for the passengers in the train.
After arriving to my cousin's apartment and taking a quick shower, I rushed to meet her on an October evening in a Bangalore auto with my brother's black leather jacket on, a friend's white t-shirt with spongebob in the middle, light blue jeans & tan suede shoes. She impatiently waits for a delivery person who is delivering something especially for her. Last time it was a bunch of yellow flowers (to make up from a fight). The auto turns leftwards slowing on the requested corner and right then my eyes catch her first glance. Time slows down, I see her petite fair frame with a round face, annoyed on the phone. I leap from the auto and saunter towards her and wrap her in my arms. Then we break free to see her shocked face meet my ear-to-ear grinning face. Blushingly I pay the auto driver. Her friend claims she saw a rockstar jump out and hug her, meninlove
That night at the hotel, she receives a call from a guy at 11pm, a senior from college. Teasing her. I'm upset, jealous and angry is an understatement. Apparently, she was super distressed from hearing the ragging stories. But after ragging and fresher's things were chill. After our friends and her are asleep. I read their chats. It's a mix of everything. I'd bad dreams about her and her college life. We do our trip, fight a lot, dance and make memories. I still remember how my palm etched the sensation of resting on her stomach.
Later, back in different cities at my friend's birthday house-party. The host of the event throws herself at me. I warm up to her and the two us end up making out. (even though I'd crashed her laptop screen that same night while playing music)
After the party, I feel horrible, cry and call my then girlfriend. I tell her that we had a peck and not a full blown make-out. Oops again! Life's too long to afford a lie. Life's too short to not speak the truth.
Anyways, we ended up dating on and off for a year more. Attention always coming from her until one day I texted her the truth. She blocked me of course. After a while I missed that attention and I missed her. So I messaged her from another contact. Her boyfriend responded aggressively telling me to back-off. That got me curious even more, I wanted to know what's going on in her life. My brain recollected her password style surname123/institute123. I tried it on Instagram. Institute123, no luck. Surname123 I was in. On the other side of another human's Instagram. What was her mind upto? Read through some chats. Some things piqued my interest. Some saved messages were curious but it quickly got boring.
A two way conversation is fun. A read-only experience of someone else's social media wasn't. I wasn't into women's fashion and decision making with girlies. So I logged on & off while on my toilet and bored.
Fed up of this experience, I write her a letter that ended with "P.S - Change your instagram password". On her birthday I put all the letters I wrote to her in a book "The Norwegian Wood" packed it in a pink wrap and was off to give it to her near her home. She didn't want anything to do with me. I threw the book outside her home and rushed off. I read her chats speaking to my friend to accept the book and return it to me. When he calls me I ask him to sound cool
Me: "When are you going to collect the book?"
He: "I have not yet collected it. Wait, how do you know that she asked me to return your book?"
Me: "You wouldn't believe it"
After his coaxing, I tell him, I have her Instagram password. Until then one other friend apart from me knew this.
The next evening in November, 3 years after that night in October, I get a call that would be common place for the next four months. Her boyfriend hurling abuses and threats, different numbers, different threats, various combinations pretending to be a police officer, and asking me to come to a police station. I got over 300 phone calls from various numbers. I didn't accept my offense of-course. The way I saw it was it's 100% my fault. It's some part her responsibility. For me it was another way to kill boredom although invading someone's privacy.
One fine March day, after meeting a new lovely girl. I'm at home with back ache at night, freshly returned from a love rendezvous. When my sleep is disturbed by a slew of such phone calls. Angry I decide to finish it once and for all.
Next day, I call and invite this guy to come and explain to me logically why he should be the one slapping me. If he could do that, he could slap me and go. I would be alone. He would be alone. My rooftop. A standoff.
The building I was living in with my family was under remodelling there were two workers working and the accompanying noise. It's late afternoon and my heart beat is through my chest. I see him approaching with a cricket bat. I tell him to loose the bat or I'll call the cops. This dude left the door open, climbs up the stairs, no bat in hand phew. I extend my hand, he doesn't shake it we head upstairs to the rooftop.
At the rooftop, we exchange a few words, when in a matter of seconds 3 of his friends show up. My heart sinks and I freeze. No thoughts, I am urging myself to think. Blank. Kapoof. Nothing. Heart pumping faster, going breathless. He asks another guy to start recording and he begins speaking. A monologue making his case, that ends with 3 slaps.
After they leave, I'm still in shock, days later my friend calls me apparently, the video is in everone's phone. Everyone that knew me, him or her remotely. Seniors, Batchmates, Juniors.
Few final experiences related to this story:

• I had a group of a dozen friends in school and I would be the life of the party. Only 3 of them are still friends and we speak. I met one of them couple of years ago, I could see it in his eyes he has lost respect for me. He didn't even call me when he got married last year.
• I am always troubled entering a room in my home city perplexed with the thought would anybody know about this here
• I thought countless times what I would've done if it had happen again
• I bumped into each of them, the boy and the girl, separately on separate occasions I had no words to say. The last time on Saturday.
• It's strange how the beautiful parts of the garden are forgotten and only the weeds remain in top of the mind
• It feels I've experienced death, death of a person I knew, death of the sweet youthful memories I shared with her in a youthful promising city. Memories of a care-free, care-less time.
• "I'm sorry, I know I made it difficult for you." I would say to the girl if I ever crossed paths. Silence to the boy.
• Nobody can shame you if you don't allow it. A man suffers more in his imagination than in reality.
• I'm error prone, I'm fallible. I learn.
• Thinking on your feet can turn a precarious situation on it's head. Stay sober. Don't wake up at 70%. Be 100%.
• You cannot twist the fabric of the universe and expect to not have it snapback at you. Speak the truth. Cards facing up always.

Hello readers / redditors,
After tiktok, Snapchat and instagram I also deleted discord.
Twitter is left and this app of course. But they are not really addictive to me..
Just mentioned this so you know where I’m coming from.
I have deleted discord before, but after a couple months I thought I’d be a “responsible” user this time. Turns out I became addicted again.
Discord is just the same story, go on Disboard find an active server. Become part of the “active group” in the server and then get involved in drama and people absolutely throwing the worst type of insults at you.
I must admit that I wasn’t as addicted this time, I used to lock myself into my room just so no one would disturb me on discord. Id get mad dopamine hits from getting dms. Just as if it’s a drug.
This time though, I quit for the emotional toll it took on me. I can’t handle the emotional hate anymore.
I have been a discord user since may 2020, firstly for some roblox games, then for roleplay. And after that just for the average discord activities.
And after aprox. 4 years I can say it’s the most destructive thing I’ve ever encountered.
Its easier for me to participate in nofap, then to quit discord.
I also lost all my friends for 2 years now. And as a 15 year old that’s not fun. I am sitting here writing because I want advice from you guys.
How do I quit for good? How do I make myself not crave discord anymore.
Im so incredibly bored and I crave the social interaction I used to have. I don’t know what they put in the app that makes its so addicting.
But I’m absolutely hooked.
Please help. Any advice is appreciated !!

Twenty six years after the Demon lord was defeated. The hero's now split up and the world safe. You sadly are not them, you were a bastard child, never knowing your father, how your life was is up to you, however, whether a bastard ostracized by society or raised by a village and content with your life. After the Bard of the party died and a national day of mourning across the world you receive a letter. Informing you that the Bard was your father and the rest of your siblings and you are invited to his manor to deal out your inheritance. You are given a stipend of gold to arrive to the manor as well as gear yourself up. What awaits you is anyone's guess. This game isn't going to be a "The world is ending and the party must stop it." kind of campaign, rather it's going to be more of an adventure and see the world kind of adventure where the party is adventuring for the sake of adventure as opposed to needing to stop a great threat. If I had to pick a music to theme the campaign around it'd be something like Lofi. Just chill good hearted adventures. About me Welcome and hello, I'm Kyo, long time DM and occasional dabbler of homebrew of near twelve years now and one full year of time in nothing but roll20 either prepping, GMing or playing. This is a homebrew campaign that I came up with because of a deep need to prep and the idea was enjoyable enough for me to write. About the campaign The campaign will be using the alternate rule set for pathfinder 1e called Final fantasy D20. It will be from level 3-20 depending on how long the group wishes to play. Sessions will be 1-4 hours, usually about 3-4 hours. Sessions will be a mix of combat or RP, by the nature of late game sometimes encounters may take large portions of combat once we hit a certain level. To balance such things out there will be occasionally just RP sessions. There will still be rolls, but it will largely be social focused. The difficultly level of the campaign will be pretty middle of the road, as I'd rather focus on the theme of the campaign rather than "lets kill god!" levels of power. So if you want to min-max and go balls to the walls, this campaign is probably not the one for you. Some of the things to expect from the campaign. -Session 0 -Stories based around your backstory and taken Campaign trait. -Lots of Down time -Lot's of travel -Low tech (No guns at the start) -Kingdom Building Lite -Survival rules (You'll be traveling a lot so you'll need to be ready to make camp and deal with food and the like.) -Final Fantasy -Adventure theme's (You'll be making a guild and setting off in adventure at the start, you won't be chosen ones or anything like that.)
Apply to the game here: https://app.roll20.net/lfg/listing/397743/bardlings

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First off I want to say that I am new to all of this. Pretty stressed out.
I accepted a TJO two weeks ago for an internship that requires secret. I filled out the eapp sf86 last week and was open about my previous marijuana usage. I disclosed I used marijuana 5 times (within a one-month period) 2 years ago and have never used since. Also disclosed usage of cbd sleep products for several months up until a year ago. I had absolutely no intention of hiding anything and thought I provided good details & various reasons for stopping and distancing myself from marjuana/cbd.
Then today, out of nowhere I was emailed a "LOI" regarding my illegal drug use and was stunned. It was referenced as an LOI but in the actual doc "LOI" isnt mentioned at all so I have no idea if its a Letter of Intent, Letter of Interrogatory, or whatever. No idea. It states my past drug usage is a concern (marijuana and cbd) and I can respond if I want to (of course I am going to), with supporting documents (I literally have none for this concern though.....??). They also made a note next to my cbd usage saying how studies have shown that often these cbd products actually have more than 0.3%thc and therefore qualify as marijuana. There is also a drug form with some generic questions similar to what was on the eapp.
Even after reading the doc, I still thought it was super ambiguous, so I talked to my contact and asked specifically for what they wanted. They said to write a statement regarding future usage and then go on to fill out the drug questions. I ended up writing my statement basically swearing to abstain from marijuana, cbd products, and other illegal drugs in further detail.
I was filling out the drug form questions when I came across the question "have you purchased, manufactured, etc., drugs or controlled substances? I thought about it, and only realized now that I technically had, but genuinely made a mistake and put no to the similar question on my eapp. In short, there was a time my friend purchased a marijuana product from a dispensary, and then I paid him for it, so that technically counts.
My current plan is to inform my contact of my mistake asap and explain in detail what happened in the drug form questions. Now, my questions are:

• How does my plan sound regarding my mistake? should I do anything else?
• Should I add anything else in particular to my LOI statement?
• Is this even normal in the first place? Is it over for me?

I turned 17 yesterday. I haven't gone to school in about a week now. I'm literally just lost.
Family Context:
I live with my two younger sisters, mom, and dad. Even saying it like that is cringy to me as I see none of them, except my mom, as an actual family.
The first person in mind to start with is my dad. He's a shitty person. Immigrated with an essentially arranged marriage, cheats, lies, etc. As an example, he has been caught texting other women multiple times. If you want another instance just for the background, when my mother moved to America he sold her jewlery under the guise that he would repay her... which he never did. There's also the fact that he's always yelling, is a man child, and has extreme anger issues. No, he doesn't drink or take drugs; this is just how he naturally is.
Next is my mother. Like him, she immigrated from a third world country, except was raised far better. She has real empathy and morals. However, no one is perfect, and she follows abhorrent traditions of what a woman's purpose should be and thus follows her husband even though he's such a horrid piece of filth.
Finally is the oldest of the younger sisters. She is genuinely a narcissist. I have never seen someone so entitled, obsessed, manipulative, spoiled, and rotten in my life. For reference, she has essentially brainwashed my youngest sister into actually wanting to be her self proclaimed slave for years now. It's nauseating.
Situation Context:
Around five years ago, before the pandemic, I started to falter in school just a tiny bit. It wasn't even that bad and I was in middle school. Before that I was essentially a perfect student. What followed was insanity. My dad was so angry that his yelling fest for the first time was entirely directed at me, and it has never stopped. I could not leave my room, that I had just gotten, without being barraged with insults and threats.
The insults are the main complaint as that entirely destroyed my self confidence at such an integral time in my life. Our house is only one floor by design as he wanted to be able to monitor us. This however meant the walls were thin; their yelling was impossible to avoid. They always argue and scream, but now the conversation was entirely about me. Days in and days out they never gave up on talking about me... just me. It's not even parental style conversations either, it's just arguing mixed in with personal insults directed at me. For example, calling me ugly and saying I'll never achieve anything. These insults have never stopped. No matter how much I tell them it hurts they will not shut up. In fact he's yelling about me as I'm writing this. None of their actions helped my grades, they actually skyrocketed them into oblivion. I started to become depressed, which I can only admit now looking back, and I gave up on school entirely.
For five years you'd think they'd try to adapt or realize I could be mentally unstable from their actions, but no. My sister takes every opportunity to support their attack on me, and recently does far worse as she is personally obsessed. I really don't understand it. Just think of her as my dad but more psychotic. Regardless, my parents, in their spree of daily insults, claim that I'm crazy. They believe that I was born autistic or with another mental disorder and that's why I stay alone. I don't think I need to explain why this is so utterly stupid, but I can't describe every event in the past five years.
Now what is my reaction? For starters, I'm avoidant as much as possible. These events made me jump to escapism as a coping mechanism. But looking back I still took them personally, especially those insults. I began to subconsciously believe what they were saying, and still do to a large extent. I also became a complete loner and started hating loud noises, crowds, or anything that would resemble my household. That being said I wasn't friendless until I recently chose to be. I always made friends in school, only for that purpose. I never talked to them outside of school even when I could due to how I really wanted to be alone. It was only a while ago that I genuinely stopped caring about talking with people in school too. If you're wondering, I never talked to a single person about this until very recently, even online, because I was avoiding it in my mind. I also could not ask my parents for anything or talk to them in general. I am literally still afraid to ask for clothing or leave my room.
Situation:
With all that rambling out the way, it's important to note that it's only the tip of the iceberg since I can't type everything out right now. My sister plays a much larger part in my overall stress but I'm too tired to type it, so I'm just going to get to the point.
After my sophmore year of highschool, my dad switched my school to a different county out of the blue. I told him I didn't want to switch but he did not listen. I had to adapt this entire year on top of everything else just because of a whim. The school is so much stricer and stessful to deal with. What makes it worse is that it wasn't a decision based on logic but just because my sister asked him to. But, he used a fake address to do this. The school found out and now, in early May, is removing me from the school. I gave up. There's literally no point in trying anymore as I'm just fighting a horrifyingly cruel family. It's worse because they're complete morons and couldn't even be competent. I stopped going to school because I reached my breaking point. I really don't know what to do.

This may seem overly dramatic, but I promise you I've never done anything like this before. I'm not writing this to point blame about what went wrong, pick a fight, or ruminate on the negative aspects that painted parts of our relationship. I don't want to live my life holding bitterness or anger towards you, and I believe writing it down helps me move forward with more understanding, compassion and a path to forgiveness. You don't have to read this, respond to this or even agree with anything I write. I'm not trying to get an apology. Hell, I may not even send this. I'm going to write how I feel and please don't take it in a way where you think I'm trying to hurt you, this is just my personal experience, which is neither right or wrong. You were (still are) immensely important in my life and I hope you know that.
I. What happened? And how I felt (The most emotional, longest and cringiest part)
It's hard to completely wrap my head around the moving out event. It's something I can't talk about with my therapist or friends without crying still. My nosy manager kept asking me what was wrong and I cried in front of him. After hyper-analyzing, obsessing on feelings of anger and hurt, I took a step back. The fact is, we weren't good for a while. You had requested therapy months prior which I evaded, but eventually attended with [therapist]. Those sessions felt good but I felt like we never talked in depth about the "hard" stuff inside, just glossed it over. Even if we attended more sessions, I'm not sure if it would have saved us had we continued to not be openly communicative and honest about our feelings and conflicts.
I know things weren't all the way good, even pre-[leaving country for work]. In my mind, we hardly talked about difficult or negative emotions with each other, which I view as healthy and essential in any deep and meaningful relationship. With my therapist, I've realized that facing conflict and processing negative emotions with a partner is needed for growth, and ignoring it is like a nail in the coffin.
For me, my deep downward spiral started when your "friend" visited. I didn't want to accuse you of anything but I felt sick that you had gone on the Ghost tour and wanted to do so much more. It was obvious to me by the way you were talking that things weren't platonic but I didn't know how to react except to let you know that I wasn't happy with the communication that night. I let my paranoia grow and I felt like I was losing you then. I was jealous of your connection.
The next key moment was on the couch when you had asked for permission to sleep with your "friend" after therapy and before going back to [hometown]. The hurt I felt from that was intense and my trust was shattered. I expressed in therapy that my boundary was "no" and I wasn't comfortable, you broke down like you lost a family member. I felt deeply broken at this moment because it became evident to me that I was not "chosen" and my boundaries didn't matter when you pleaded with me. I feel as if we should have both been brave enough to end it there, because I never recovered after that. This moment on the couch still haunts me and in therapy I stated that I believe the despair you felt there was much deeper than the despair you felt for leaving me after 4 years. This couch memory still breaks my heart.
I was sick of paranoia while you were gone. When you came back, we had a lot of good weeks, fun moments, your birthday being a highlight after. I hoped you felt special that day. I loved seeing you happy with your tattoo. I really enjoyed going Upstate even if it was freezing. Unfortunately, that was all just masking how I really felt, which all came crashing down when I saw the text pop up (not even the message). You even replied. You taking days to decide to break it off shattered my heart all over again. And I felt sick about "forcing" you to do it, and that you didn't want to choose me on your own. I didn't feel like your partner once again.
While at the park, I've never felt blind fury like that before. It felt like all my anger, hurt and defeatedness I stuffed down erupted. I felt like I was not chosen for the third time and my boundary didn't matter to you at all. I couldn't take it anymore, aren't boundaries supposed to be sacred between partners? To learn that you have been conversing since 2023 was a huge kick in the stomach. To see what the messages entailed while being assured it was platonic was gaslighting. I felt like both of you were selfish people with no regards to my heart. In my mind, we were over and I was confused again why I didn't break it off. I was still clinging on to the broken love I had for you. Regardless, trust and boundaries are essential and they no longer existed, I shouldn't have been surprised by the move out.
The move out itself blindsided me at the moment and like I said, it's still really hard for me to talk about. I wanted to talk to you the night before in private because I saw the ticket and couldn't believe that you would up and leave like that. You were acting normal before then getting your tattoo touch-up; my brain completely broke with emotion and I lost myself for the final time. My panic, hurt, and every negative emotion you could think of set in and overflowed; that's why you saw me cry that night and even vomit. I so badly wanted you to give me closure the day you moved out but it was clear I wouldn't get that from you, so I went to the hotel and cried even more with [dog]. I viewed the reasons you gave me as conflict avoidance to not face a really hard conversation, one I deserved after years together.
I didn't eat for 3 days after. I was in complete shock. My work suffered. My friends were extremely worried and had never seen me like this before. I forced myself to do Yoga, meditation and therapy on a daily basis even though I looked like shit (and I'm still going). I woke up early to walk [dog] even though I have lingering thoughts of wanting to rehome him. He kept looking for you for days.
If you ever had doubts that I didn't care for you, please know that wasn't the case. I never thought I would experience something like this in my adult life, but as I try and look back at the events in a clearer state of mind, I start to feel less hurt and more compassion now. (Also, this was better than Ozempic for dropping weight fast! I'm glad that this jump started my fitness :P)
II. My AccountabilityI know I played a major role in the negative emotions and I want to apologize. It takes two to tango but I am only responsible for the actions on my side, and it's not my place to tell you about the things you should feel accountable or apologize for. There were moments in our relationship where you didn't feel loved, and that is a shortcoming of mine. But I assure you that I love(d) you; and my way of showing it was being an unromantic workhorse at times so you could always have stability. It became too unbalanced and I let my stress takeover. I invested so much money and time for that sense of security.
There were a lot of nasty things I said, and it's never ok to say them. I maintain that I never attacked your character. I want to let you know that a lot of what I had said came from a deep place of hurt, it got even worse as my trust disappeared and boundaries were disrespected. I've learned that it's natural for partners to say things during difficult moments, and facing negativity head on is hard but necessary. That doesn't make it ok but I hope what I'm saying makes sense, I'm processing this with a professional because it's not something I want to continue. I wish we could have worked through this without weaponizing past hurt, admitted that we both hurt each other without blame, and tried to communicate more effectively. We were in a spiral of hurting each other in different ways and on my side, I didn't know how to undo the hurt once it was inflicted. I am sorry that you were in pain and I couldn't say anything to help.
I also take accountability that I wasn't able to emotionally support you at times due to blockers on my end. Whether it be through the lows you were feeling due to mental health, job problems, insecurities about the future or missing your family, I didn't show up all the time. I can't blame all of it on my upbringing and it's something I still need to process and work through. I wish I gave you more care. I felt love in my heart for you and wish my love language translated to you.
I am sorry that you felt like you had to leave "for your dignity". That phrase really hurt me in the end but I acknowledge that was how you felt in the moment. I hope you are at peace now and that I really didn't destroy your dignity.
I'm also sorry that you didn't feel like you had a safe space to express your thoughts, even if we have different sets of tools for communication. Admittedly, this is not something I could have solved on my own without additional work from you and professionals. Without going into detail about this last point, all of this hurt and non-communication impacted our physical intimacy and my comfortability with it.
It wasn't all bad though, I won't forget all the amazing memories, funny jokes and laughs we had.
III. Forgiveness and Letting Go
The first section was full of emotional charge that I needed to release. In general, society tells me that emotional/physical infidelity is unforgivable. Knowing our relationship, how much love and support we had for each other despite how it ended, I don't want these issues to be the defining point in our relationship. Our problems did not start with infidelity and I'm determined for it to not overshadow the positive. Without excusing the events that ultimately led to our break, I'm choosing to look at the actions you took and the way I handled them with compassion. I forgive the way you left me as that was what you felt like you had to do in the moment. I forgive the things you said on that day that personally hurt me as well.
The negative emotions I felt and the way I acted have impacted me so profoundly that I never want to experience something like that ever again. I am also working on finding compassion for myself for the way I spiraled as well.
This letter doesn't repair my trust issues between us and that wasn't the point. I'm not sure if that's something we want to pursue now that we live cross-country. Trust is something I value with all my friends. It's not easy to repair without a commitment of work and change on both sides, and I still struggle with feelings of jealousy, disrespect and inadequacy from the event. But my heart is still open to you and ultimately I want you to be happy, even if I don't need to know the details. I wouldn't be able to show up for you as a friend or otherwise while these complicated feelings linger. But maybe we can rebuild? I don't know.
In the end, I don't know how you feel about me and you may have moved on fully. That's ok. My feelings of "want" for you haven't died yet. I still want you to thrive, go to school, and fulfill your passions in death studies. I wish I could have been the one to support you through that, cook your meals, provide you a home in New York. I hoped for us to be loving and supportive partners in the future with healthy communication. I wish we could have gone to Mexico together and then Japan after taking care of the bureaucratics. I wish you could have met my mom. I wish I could make you a latte. I wish we could build a community together here. I'm still open to this life now but it feels like a fake alternate reality.
Thank you for supporting me, loving me, and propping me up through my career change. I'll never forget that. I'm so grateful that you were a part of my life. I am hopeful that we can have an amicable talk and heal together one day, but if not, know that I don't hold negative feelings towards you. This has helped me process and I hope it did something for you.

I live on a farm on the outskirts of the county. It's a small town, around 500 of us total, but I enjoy the humble and quiet life that comes along with it. I live alone, but I do have some pets- though that would've been obvious, no? I have 2 cats who I keep indoors, 2 guard dogs, a herd of sheep, 3 horses, some cows, and a plentiful amount of chickens. Of course, I do have some other animals as well, but I'm sure that me listing off the names of all my animals isn't an entertaining way to spend your evening.
My routine is simple. Wake up, do whatever I need to for the day, eat, sleep. Clean the stables, feed the animals, check on the crops- all boring farm work. And that's what my life was. Boring. Utterly and pathetically boring. I'm not going to go on a rant and say that I detested the repetitive routine of my day to day life, but in short, it wasn't the most amusing being.
That was until all this happened.
It was early morning, around 6 a.m. My alarm was screaming into my ears, shouting at me to wake up. I groaned and sat up, smashing my finger repeatedly onto my phones screen as I groggily tried to shut it up. It finally went silent after after a few more finger-breaking hits.
"Stupid morning," I mumbled under my breath, getting to my feet with a sigh. Stretching out my arms, I walked over to my closet with a sigh. Tossing the old wooden doors open, I grabbed a clean, black sweater and a pair of jeans that didn't have a hole in the middle. Work on the farm was rough, and it had only been a year since I'd inherited this farm from my grandfather. He'd died mysteriously, and a lot of rumors surrounded his death in what actually happened.
He had been found dead near the barn house out back, right near the edge of the property of his land. His best friend had found his sprawled out on the grass, his eyes wide open and mouth gaping in horror, as if my grandpa had seen some eldritch horror before his demise. The only thing he had left behind in his utterly decimated room was the will saying ownership of any and all things left behind went to me, including the farm.
There had also been a poorly hand-written note shoved in the envelope along with the will. In barely legible letters, the words, "DON'T ENTER THE BARN." were scribbled across the half torn paper. I didn't care. I wasn't close to my grandpa after he had all but kick my dad out when he decided to go against his wishes and marry my mom. I never met him- neither wished to -which was why him giving everything to me was such a shock.
Not like I didn't take advantage of that. Sure, I never knew the man, but if he wanted me to get his fortunes? Pfft. Who am I to complain?
I ignored the note, and ignored his death, choosing to be smart for once in my life and take heed to his advice. He dies right next to the barn and a mysterious note about not entering the barn is found with his will? Then hell no, I'm not some protagonist in a horror movie. To hell with all that.
How ironic that I did it anyway.
I had finished up with all my duties and it was night now. The moon was shining overhead, a beautiful light watching over me and guiding me with its brightness. As I put some food in my guard dogs bowls, I heard a sound akin to something heavy falling off a high shelf. I was pretty far into the farm (it really was a large farm) and away from my house, so it couldn't have possibly come from my home, unless I'd somehow grew super senses- which I did contemplate for a minute before remembering people get admitted into psych wards for thoughts like these.
The only place close enough for there to be a crash and it be audible to me was the barn.
"Nah. Not in the mood to die," I said to myself as I rose from my crouch and began the walk back to my house. That was when I heard it.
"CAZ!!! HELP!! HELP!!" A female voice screamed from the barn, her voice oddly flat for someone seeming to be in so much distress.
It took another scream or two for me to realize I recognized that voice.
"Mum?" I asked quietly, slowly inching closer to the barn.
The screams only intensified, a strange and nauseating gurgling noise accompanying the shouts of despair, as if hell itself had opened its mouth and began singing a symphony to those who dared listen.
I stepped back warily before taking two unwilling steps forward. It was like the screeches that were coming from the barn had wrapped their tendrils around me and were pulling me forward, saying, "Look at us. We are here. Come help up."
I slowly inched forward, the sounds of my mom's yells slowly morphing into the bellows of something more inhuman. More atrocious. The voice grew deeper, more gargled and raspy then before, but I couldn't bring myself to turn away. To stop advancing.
And soon enough, I was right in front of the barn.
All the farm animals had already fled, skittering away like flies from a trap. It's widely known that when all goes silent in a forest and no animals are around, something bad is likely to follow. This felt like the same thing, but more sinister. I swallowed and looked the barn over. A normal small wooden barn, painted red. Though for some reason, the paint on the wood seemed wet, a bit too much of a bloody texture for my already unneased mind.
The shrieks for help seemed quieter than before, which was unusual, seeming as how one would've expected the yelling to be louder as they got closer. It had died down to more of a pitiful whimpering sound that dug deep into my soul and grabbed ahold of all sane instincts inside me. I didn't remember even raising my hand before I had shakily grabbed the handle of the barn door, slamming it open. My whole body was covered in a sheet of sweat when I couldn't have felt colder.
And just like that, all went quiet.
Even the wind seemed to cease it's calming whistling, stopping to watch me, as if a mockery of my decision.
"H-hello...?" I called out into the pitch black expanse of the barn. I couldn't see the end to it. Maybe it was just a trick of light since it was nighttime, but it looked as if the barn had no end. Despite my earlier concession of being a smart person, I stepped into the barn. It was far larger than it looked like from the outside, but it was desolate. It took me a moment to even realize what I was staring at- and to realize the inside of the barn was made of cement. Cement walls, floor, and what I assumed was a ceiling, though it was too dark for me to tell.
Impossible. The barn is made of wood. Not cement.
Nothing happened and for a moment I contemplated whether I was possibly having some kind of schizophrenic episode- Have I finally gone insane? -when there was a small scrape.
Raising my head, I squinted in the darkness, looking at the far wall of the barn. Wait. I couldn't see that wall before. I took a step back. The wall inched forward. It moved. Sliding across the floor with the sound of nails against chalkboard. Then stopped as I did. My heart was threatening to claw out of my heart, each beat against my ribs the equal to a bird trying to escape its cage. I took another step back, not daring to look back at where I was going. Not wanting to take my eyes off whatever this was.
It moved forward again. Slightly. Just the same amount I had.
I gasped for breath, taking another step back. It was breathing. It's surface expanding and contracting like a humans breath. There was a soft sound coming from it too, the sound of a breath being taken and exhaled. The wall was alive.
"Ruuuuuuunnnnn"
It moved forward but this time didn't stop. Rushing towards me and closing in on me faster than even a human could move. The rough walls exterior moved back and forth and it's breath turning quicker, a weak pant, like a humans breath after exerting themselves by running.
I barely let out a whimper as I turned and sprinted to the door, the wall rushing behind me, nipping at my heels like an excited dog.
I wasn't this far from the door. I only took one step in. Why am I this far? I'm going to die.
I threw myself outside the barn and tumbled on the grass for a few beats before halting. I stared up at the night sky, my heart pounding and my breathing so quick it would put a fan to shame. Slowly I looked over to the barn. The wall that had come after me was right there, pushing at the door of the barn. The wood had begun to crack slightly under the pressure, splintering and moving outwards like a volcano ready to explode.
I quickly got up and backed away, slowly at first, then stumbling to a sprint, my legs pumping to get me as far from the barn as possible.
The last thing I heard before I sped off in my car was the groan of wood breaking into pieces and a voice all too human. "NO! COME BACK!"
I didn't. I didn't even bother looking behind me as I drove away.
It's been 2 weeks since that incident, and I can't get any sleep. I refuse to be inside anything with 4 walls enclosing on me. It feels like it can watch me through them. See me. Breathe on me. I've been running. Skipping towns and trying to get as far away as I can from that barn.
But every so often, when I think all is safe, I turn my head to find a breathing wall at the end of a corridor, humming my name.

Bonnie Lass of Albanie jacobite song created by Robert Burns after he heard the news that Prince Charles Edward Stuart had legitimized his daugther Charlotte Stuart. He even considered naming one of his daugther after her has reveled in a letter to his friend Robert Ainslie.
Séarlas Òg One of the 2 version of the Irish Jacobite song, Séarlas Òg, that would latter be rewritten by Pádriag Pearse and made into Oro Sé Do Bheatha' Bhaile.
The other version is this one:
Chorus:
Óró, sé do bheatha 'bhaile,
Óró, sé do bheatha 'bhaile,
Óró, sé do bheatha 'bhaile
Anois ar theacht an tsamhraidh.
A Shéarlais Óig, a mhic Rí Shéamais
'Sé mo mhór-chreach do thriall as Éirinn
Gan tuinnte bróig' ort, stoca nó leinidh
Ach do chascairt leis na Gallaibh
Chorus
'Sé mo léan géar nach bhfeicim
Mur mbéinn beo 'na dhiaidh ach seachtain
Séarlas Óg is míle gaiscidheach
Ag fógairt fáin ar Ghallaibh
Chorus
Tá Séarlas Óg ag triall thar sáile
Béidh siad leisean, Franncaigh is Spáinnigh
Óglaigh armtha leis mar gharda
'S bainfidh siad rinnce as éiricigh!
Chorus
Chorus:
Oh-ro, You're welcome home,
Oh-ro, You're welcome home,
Oh-ro, You're welcome home,
Now that summer's coming!
Young Charles, son of King James
It's a great distress – your exile from Ireland
Without thread of shoe on you, socks or shirt
Overthrown by the foreigners
Chorus
Alas that I do not see
If I were alive afterwards only for a week
Young Charles and one thousand warriors
Banishing all the foreigners
Chorus
Young Charles is coming over the sea
They will be with him, French and Spanish
Armed Volunteers with him as a guard
And they'll make the heretics dance!
Oran eile don phrionnsa Another song for the Prince written by Alasdair Mac Mhaighstir Alasdair in English Alexander Macdonald.
Oran air breith a Phrionnsa Tearlaich Song upon the birth of Prince Charles written in 1721 when news of the Prince Birth reached Scotland by John McLachlan.
This version recorded by Capercaille is missing one stanza, the third stanza of the original song(stanza definition: group of verses, verse difinition: one line of a poem or song)
Here is a gaelic lyrics and english translation:

1. An naigheachd a fhuair sinn an dràsd'

A thàinig oirnn nuadh do'n tir
Chuir m'airtneal air chairtealan uam
Dh'fhàg aigeantach, uallach mî
Cha bhi sinn tuilleadh na's mo
Aig Deôrsa fada fo chîs
Thig sonas ri linn a' Phrionns'ôig
'S gheibh fir tha air fôgradh sîth.

1. Rugadh Phoenix thall anns an Rôimh

Sgeul aigeantach môr ri 'linn
Gum bi neart agus ceart mar ri treôir
Do'n fhear sheasas côir an Rîgh
Théid a' chuibhle fhathast mu'n cuairt
'S am fear a tha shuas, bidh e sios
Bidh am fear a tha streapadh, gu h-ard,
'S fear eile gu làr tuitidh sîos

1. Tha rionnag a breithe mar thà

Toirt fios agus faisneachd fîor,
Gur mac rath a thàinig an dràsd'
Chuir Athair nan Gràs 'gar dîon;
'N neach thogas 'na aghaidh a làmh
Gheibh breitheanas àraid gu cinnt',
Thig cogadh air, gort, agus plàigh,
Us faighinn a' bhàis a chion bîdh.

1. Tha Neptun a' mionnachadh dhà

Gum bheil muir dhà co réidh us tîr
Tha Aeolus a'feitheamh a ghnàth
'S a'gleidheadh dhà bàidh a ghaoith
Tha Mars us a chlaidheamh 'na làimh
Le buaidh-chath' 's gach àite am bî
Tha plannta nan duilleagan tlàth
Toirt urraim 'nan àiteachan fin

Thig mùthadh air fonn as droch-ghnè
Cha bhi dris ann an làr nach crion
Bidh gach tulach 'na iomairibh réidh
'S fàsaidh 'n cuithneachd air aodainn shliabh;
Cha dean sinn tuilleadh cion-fàth
O'n a theirig an fhreumh nach cinn
Sin an gartlann a ghlanadh o'n chàrr
Bha bacadh dhuinn fàs ar sîol

1. Sgeul eile cha cheil mi an dràsd'

Cuiridh coille trom-bhlàth os ar cînn
Cuiridh 'n talamh gun airceas de bhàrr
Tacar mara cur làin's gach lîon
Bidh bainn' aig an eallaich's gach àit'
Mil air bhàrraibh nan sràbh's gach tîr
Gun ghainne, gun airceas, gu bràth
Gun ghaillionn ach blàths 's gach sian.
ENGLISH TRANSLATION
The tidings we have now received
Which are freshly come to the land
Have chased all my sorrow away
And left me both joyful and proud
No more are we going to be
Under subjection to George
Joy will come in the young Prince's time
Peace will be to the exiles restored

1. A Phoenix is born o'er in Rome

A tale of great joy in its time
May he who the King's right maintains
Have strength and justice and aid.
Fortune's wheel will yet turn again
And the man who's aloft will fall low
The man who is climbing will rise
And the other to earth will fall.

1. Already does his birthday star

Give a message and omen true,
That a son of fortune now comes
From the Father of Grace for our guard;
Whoe'er lifts against him his hand
Will swift and sure judgment receive,
On him will come war, famine, plague,
With death from starvation his end.
4. Neptune does promise for him
A sea as smooth as the land
And Aeolus is ready always
For him keeping his favoring winds;
Mars with his sword in his hand
Will give victory wherever he be
The herbs with their delicate leaves
Give honor in their own abodes

A change will come o'er barren lands
No thorn on the ground but will fade
Every hill will be laid in smooth rigs
And wheat will grow on the hillsides
Contention no more shall we own
Since the root that won't grow is consumed
There's the corn-field now cleansed of its weeds
Which did hinder the growth of our crop

1. Another tale that I'll not hide

The woods will put leaves o'er our heads
The earth will yield crops without stint
The sea's fruit will fill every net
Herds will give milk everywhere
And honey on straw-tops be found
Without want, unstinted, forever
Without storms, but every wind warm.
Rosc Catha na mumha Irish Jacobite song written in 1758-59 when there was rumours of a french invasion of Ireland. The French foreign minister had tried to get the Prince to command the invasion, but the Prince had to practically be convinced to go to the reunion and he went to drunk to the reunion, accompanied by a Jacobite agent he knew the French Ministers hated, insisted in the French giving him reparations for how he was trown out of France in 1750 and that it was either a full on invasion of Britain or nothing since according to his own words he didn't wanted to be used has a scare crow by the French.
The French foreign minister abandoned the idea of involving him in the planification of the invasion, but due to letters from Jacobites and even the dauphin, planned to, when they got secured a part of Ireland grab the Prince sent him to Ireland to Crown him King of the Irish there.
The Prince seems to have percived that the French were again finally serious to help him gain back the throne that he got sober enough to be able to write a Manifesto in case he would need it.
He declared that the poor where going to be the priority of his goverment, denounced standing armies favoring citizens militia, wrote a scheme to pay goverment debt, wrote ways in which the industries could be improved and promised to lower taxes has much has possible.

Despite my repeated attempts at therapy, I'm still grappling with the same old issues. Part of the challenge lies in the complexity of my problems, which feel like a tangled ball of yarn that I don't know how to begin to unravel. It's hard to know where to start when everything seems interconnected. Jumping from topic to topic feels unproductive, while committing to one means neglecting others, even when they become more salient to me than whatever issue I've already committed myself to addressing.
Expressing myself in therapy is another struggle. Despite constant rumination on sources of distress, articulating them in the therapy room proves difficult. It's like my mind goes blank the moment I sit down with the therapist. And even when I do manage to speak up, I often feel like I'm not getting anywhere. Some therapists merely offer empathy without actionable solutions, while others provide obvious platitudes and solutions that don't work for me.
Because I know that therapy isn't magic and that any strategy is going to take time to produce results, I often found it hard to gauge the effectiveness of therapy suggestions. When therapists asked me how something they suggested was working out, all I could really say is "I don't know if I notice any changes yet, but I'll give it more time." By the time I would realize, "yup, I'm pretty sure this isn't doing anything for me," it would be months after the run of sessions had come to a conclusion and the therapist was long gone (probably blissfully unaware of my therapeutic outcome because there's no way for me to let them know that jack shit has changed). With new therapists, I hesitated to push back against advice I had already heard a million times, as I wouldn't want to come across as the "difficult" client who just doesn't actually want to be helped and who just argues with the therapist and dismisses all suggestions out-of-hand with an excuse for why they won't work. Despite doubts, I often tried suggested strategies again (I mean, hey, sometimes it takes more than one try at the same strategy to get it to work, so maybe it'll work this time).
After realizing that my previous approach wasn't effective, there were times when I began to gently push back against advice that didn't fit me. For instance, if I expressed a negative feeling about myself and the therapist offered an objection to it, instead of simply acquiescing to their objection, I would explain why I found their response unconvincing or inadequate in addressing my concerns. In my experience, therapists rarely engage directly with such counter-arguments. Instead, they often evade them and just tell you "that's the depression/anxiety talking," as if that alone is supposed to make them evaporate. However, my intention in challenging their objections isn't to maintain my negative beliefs, but to point out why they're objection fails to obtain and to seek a more compelling counterargument that actually effectively challenges and undermines my negative beliefs.
In a recent attempt to break this cycle of getting nowhere in therapy, I decided to try a different approach. Because I find it easier to articulate my thought when I sit down to write than I do on the spot, I decided I would write my latest therapist a detailed document that lays out all the things I want to work on, how they relate to each other, and approached I've already tried in the past/what my success with them has looked like. I hoped it would provide crucial context. I had mentioned to my current therapist from our first meeting that I intended to write such a letter prior to our first meeting but hadn't gotten to it due to procrastination. The fact that she mentioned to me by maybe our sixth meeting that she saw I wasn't making any improvements in mood and felt that we were getting "stuck" further reinforced my belief that finishing the letter would be a good idea. I finally got around to finishing it.
In our latest session, my therapist told me she received and skimmed over the letter, but informed me that it was outside of her professional boundary to read it. I told her I understood, and that I can imagine it's akin to a boss dropping a bunch of extra spreadsheets on an employee to complete off-the-clock. She told me I should feel comfortable verbalizing my issues in session.
As I had discussed with her in the past, expressing emotions in the moment is something I struggle with. This complicates the therapeutic process. While I understand the importance of expressing myself in person, it's a struggle I've been unable to overcome despite multiple attempts with multiple therapists. It feels like a Catch-22. One of the very issues that I'm trying to work on is the fact that, due to not being allowed to express emotions as a child, I find myself unable to do that as an adult, either because my mind goes blank or I just become mentally constipated. But because therapists can't read your mind, they can't help you unless you express your thoughts. It feels like I have to solve the very issue I came to therapy for help with in order for the therapist to be able to help me with it. The letter was me trying to find a novel solution to break that Catch-22. But it's not an acceptable solution because it turns out she can't read it. So, I'm stuck and it feels like this run of therapy is going to continue to go exactly like the last ones.

First and foremost, I'm sorry for the dramatic title. I don't post on reddit a lot, and that's honestly what just came to my mind first.
I am just so fucking lost in life right now. I am about to graduate with a EE major that I despise. I despise it because it's not even something I'm remotely passionate about. All my life I had only been doing what I thought was expected of me, and never really spent time thinking about what I was interested in. Ever since I established myself as "academically intelligent" to my peers AND to my parents, I felt the need to maintain it for them. My parents had always told me that the only thing I had to focus on is school. For one, they wanted me to qualify for scholarships to go to uni because they didn't have the money to financially support me, and they evidently didn't want me taking out loans. As parents, they wanted their kid to be in a better financial state than what they were in at the time. Back then and until this day I recognize all this and appreciate them for wanting what they thought was best for me. To me, it meant that I needed to be perfect. I had to minimize risks, avoid making mistakes, strive for a financially sound career. Thinking about what I would truly be interested in felt like a waste. My attitude was to come to school, do what I needed to do while minimizing conversations with my peers and teachers, and go home expecting to do the same thing tomorrow.
I pursued engineering back in high school not only because it seemed like the smart and safe route, but because that's what my closest friends at the time were pursuing. I took several AP and AICE classes for college credit, and all of this helped me get a full ride to college. I got Summa Cum Laude by the time I graduated and I didn't even know I had been working towards it.
It never even really set in when I had graduated high school. I felt nothing about the fact that this chapter of my life was coming to an end. I was so numb to it all; the idea that I would potentially never see many of my friends, peers, and teachers should've sadden me like it did for most. But it didn't.
I didn't join ANY clubs, I didn't go to ANY events, I didn't do anything that I would've remotely liked. For the longest time, I thought I hated high school because I thought my high school was shit. Now that I know that it was ME, I'm the reason why my experience was so shit.
And guess what's fucked up about all this?
I DID IT ALL AGAIN. I RUINED MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE!
I went to a college which albeit a good one it wasn't my first choice. I got ACCEPTED to my first choice college, but I quickly buckled after my parents told me it wasn't a good idea because it was upstate and I would've had to dorm and figure out living expenses by myself! I entered college as an engineering major, because, why not?? I was in the engineering academy in high school and even though I hated it, well, where else was I suppose to go?? And, why electrical engineering you may ask?? Well, I WAS initially majoring biomedical engineering because that's what I told my friends, teachers, and family that I'd do when asked and I later decided that I didn't like the program!! I had discovered by that time in my collegiate life that I was interested in physics. So, I told my advisor that I wanted to switch to mechanical, and they said I it was a bad idea because they believe I wouldn't be accepted because it would delay my 4-year graduation timeline. Thus, they suggested electrical engineering, and rather than fight it I said OK! Sure!! If you say so!!! AND I ENDED UP TAKING 5 YEARS ANYWAY BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL HEALTH!!!!
YET AGAIN I didn't join any clubs. YET AGAIN I didn't go to any events. YET AGAIN I didn't make any long lasting connections.
And now I'm learning that all this academic work I put forth means squat because it truly is not just what you know but who you know. Despite my high GPA and my classes, I am struggling to get into INTERNSHIPS. I don't have any work experience whatsoever or any relevant club activities or personal projects because all I did was focus on was school!!
I was suppose to be the person deemed capable of having it all figured out. Well, I wasn't. All I did was go with the flow of things, I never fought the current. I am a fraud, I'm not as smart as people think I am. I am pathetic, passionless, and a coward.
I should've never entered college without some sort of idea or plan on what I truly wanted to do.
At this point, I'm am the lowest I've ever been. I want to disappear in the eyes of everyone I know and start anew, so that I can stop using the excuse of having to meet these fabricated, external expectations and take a hard long look at what is that I really want to do with my life.
If I am able to, for once in my life, be 100% confident with what I want to pursue, part of me wants to give undergrad another try. Only this time I'll have to take out loans for it and pretty much squander not only the years I've spent but also the one advantage that I had which was being able to graduate college debt free. But at least, now I know how NOT to go about college. I have heard that I could work towards a master's different from my bachelor's, but I can't even fucking think of anyone who I made an impression on that would be willing to write me a letter of recommendation as I didn't even go to any of my professors' office hours.
I wish I hadn't been afraid of trying things at the risk of feeling like I would fail my classes, my friends, and my family.
//TLDR: I ruined my college experience, I don't even like the career that I am positioned to set out on, I'm not proud of a single "accomplishment" of mine, I am mentally unwell about it all and don't know what to do.

10/26/2017 4:34 pm
Log book of Det. Ryan Snow
Case #2798: The Appalachian Murders
Location: The Blackwell Residence, [ADDRESS REDACTED FOR SAFETY REASONS], Fayetteville, NC 28314
Purpose of visit: To retrieve more information from only witness and possible suspect, Kate Blackwell, to the murders of four youths in Cabin #2 located in the Appalachian Mountains
It took many failed phone calls and “unread” emails, but I had finally got my chance to have another discussion with Ms. Blackwell concerning the case surrounding her. It wasn’t until my twentieth time reaching out to her immediate family members and being left on red when Ms. Blackwell had called me herself. She explained that she saw the caller ID name on her father’s phone before he had hung up on me without answering. She then took his phone when he left it unattended, copied my number, and waited for her chance to call me. Told me it took her days.
We agreed to meet at her home and that she’d handle her parents and Mrs. Mayfield before I arrived. Whatever she told them had worked as, upon my arrival to the Blackwell residence, Mr. Jacob Blackwell was there to answer the door. A rather intimidating man, but he looked run down, like he hadn’t been getting the most adequate amount of sleep. He let me in and lead me to the living room, photos of Mr. and Mrs. Blackwell and Ms. Blackwell placed on nearby counters and at the edge of the mantle over the fireplace. Mrs. Helen Blackwell was sitting in a chair, looking just as if not more intimidating as her husband. She took looked weathered, but the fury in her eyes upon seeing me still sent chills down my spine.
I asked if it was alright for me to record any conversations we had before Ms. Blackwell was made aware of my arrival and would be joining us.
MRS. BLACKWELL: Why? So you can force us to tell you that we failed as parents and turned our little girl into a cold, blooded murderer?
Mrs. Blackwell had spoken to me as if I was the one being accused of murder.
ME: What do you mean?
MR. BLACKWELL: We’ve been getting reporters and letters from people blaming us for not seeing the signs sooner and putting our daughter in the nut house before she could kill anyone.
ME: I’m sorry. Really, I am.
MRS. BLACKWELL: Then why the hell are you even here?
Mrs. Blackwell had cut me off, shooting her death glare deep into my soul.
ME: Mrs. Blackwell, it’s my job to look into cases like this and prove a person’s innocence before I decided they’re guilty. With some… Recent activity… I’m beginning to believe that your daughter may indeed be innocent.
MR. BLACKWELL: Recent activity?
ME: I’m afraid I cannot give you much detail. Not until I’m absolutely sure of some things. That’s why I need to speak to Kate and get more answers from her concerning the murders. Where is she?
MR. BLACKWELL: She’s taking a nap. She’ll be down soon. The doctor gave her some medication to help her sleep… It… It’s some strong stuff…
It was at this point Mrs. Blackwell began to cry.
MRS. BLACKWELL: They don’t even blame her… Why is she being treated like this…?
ME: ‘They?’
MRS. BLACKWELL: The other parents… Sonja’s, Jasper’s, Paul’s, and Luke’s… They say they don’t believe Kate did this… That she wouldn’t do something like this…
ME: When was the last time you spoke to them?
MRS. BLACKWELL: We haven’t… They… They’ve been texting us and calling us… We just don’t have the heart to return their messages… For God’s sake… Our baby will be waking up soon and will be coming down those stairs in a few minutes… While they’re burying theirs’… I can’t imagine what I would be going through… Who I’d be blaming… I just… Can’t…
It was at this moment that Ms. Blackwell had finally joined us downstairs. She at least looked like she had gotten enough sleep, but she still appeared as broken as the day in the interrogation room. I asked if we could speak in private, looking to Ms. Blackwell’s parents to either leave us or lead us to a separate room. Ms. Blackwell offered to lead me to her father’s study, but Mr. and Mrs. Blackwell asked to wait for Mrs. Mayfield to join us before I began my next interrogation. Ms. Blackwell, however, told them she didn’t need to wait for her lawyer and that she wanted to tell me the truth of everything she remembered without someone telling her to keep everything vague. She then lead me to a different room from the living room, shutting the door behind her as we entered. I took notice of the rifle hanging up over a desk with a pitch black, screen desktop before joining Ms. Blackwell in a sitting area, sitting in the chair across from her’s. I then took out my recorder and began our discussion.
[RECORDING OF INTERROGATION]
[WHIRRING OF RECORDING]
DET. RYAN SNOW: This is Det. Ryan Snow with the Charlotte Police Department. This is my third attempt at a full interrogation of Kate Blackwell, the sole survivor, witness, and possible suspect of the murders that took place in the Appalachian Mountains. She has agreed to have this meeting at her parents’ home in [ADDRESS REDACTED] Fayetteville, North Carolina. She is currently under house arrest during the duration of the investigation.
Ms. Blackwell, do you recall the last time we spoke?
KATE: Yes… You told me the land lord… Mrs… Mrs. Larson…? Died… That she couldn’t have been there while we were there because she was… Dead…
DET. RYAN SNOW: That’s correct. Have you been able to figure out how you could explain you saw her there since that day?
KATE: I… I can’t explain… How I saw her there, but… I saw someone there… She was an old woman, long white hair, and she was wearing… I think… I think it was a night gown… But we arrived there early the first time I saw her and it was night time when I saw her last… But… I do have emails where I exchanged contact information and questions about the cabin… I printed them out, but… But Mrs. Mayfield took them… Said she needed to read them over for the case… I can print them out again for you…
DET. RYAN SNOW: Yes, please. I need any and all information and contact with whoever you spoke to concerning the cabin. Have you exchanged any contact with her since?
KATE: Not since I escaped the cabin… I tried to contact her about everything that was going on before that night she attacked Paul… But, I never got a response… The number she gave me didn’t work either… I haven’t tried getting in touch with her since coming back…
DET. RYAN SNOW: Have you received any phone calls since returning? Any numbers you didn’t recognize?
KATE: I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize… I don’t call back either unless they leave a voice mail explaining who they are or why they’re calling… Especially now since most phone calls, texts, or emails I get are from news stations wanting my story…
DET. RYAN SNOW: No one asking you to go back to the mountains? No unknown or restricted numbers?
[SILENCE]
KATE: N-No…? Why…?
[SILENCE]
KATE: It… It called you…?
DET. RYAN SNOW: I can’t disclose-
KATE: H-How’d it… How’d it know to call you…? How does it know who you are?
DET. RYAN SNOW: Ms. Blackwell, please, don’t freak out. It could have been nothing, just some stupid kids playing a prank. I only want to be sure… ‘it’ hasn’t tried getting into contact with you.
KATE: I… I haven’t… And even if I did… I never answered it… Like I said I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize…
DET. RYAN SNOW: Okay, then it’s most likely nothing and it’s just people making light of all of this. Now, do you remember anything else about the night you found the Ouija board in the cabin after you all left to find service?
KATE: Very little… But… I’ll try giving as much as I can remember… Like I said it’s all… Very blurry… I think my mind is trying to erase everything… Because of how… Unreal it all was… When we got back to the cabin and found the Ouija board… Jasper got really angry and told it we weren’t going to play its game and threw the planchette across the room… Sonja was getting upset and told him that we had to at least try saying goodbye to it before we moved along from the Ouija board…
DET. RYAN SNOW: Why did Sonja want to say goodbye to it?
KATE: It’s believed that once you welcome… Whatever you’re talking to through the Ouija board… You have to end the game by saying goodbye, so that it knows you’re done playing with it and that you want to close the doorway to the… Place… It came from… If you don’t, or if the thing keeps trying to communicate with you, then the doorway remains open… And you let whatever it is… Stay…
DET. RYAN SNOW: Did you all ever say goodbye?
[SILENCE]
Kate: No…
DET. RYAN SNOW: What happened after Jasper threw the planchette?
KATE: Sonja and Jasper started arguing about playing the Ouija board… Luke was telling Sonja that none of it was real and that we just needed to get out of there as soon as possible… Paul was… Paul was lying on the couch… His wounds were bleeding through the rags and I was trying to keep him from bleeding out while trying… Trying to calm everyone down… That’s when we heard the noises coming from the attic again… Voices telling us to play with the Ouija board… Then… Then Jasper… He got so angry… We… [SNIFFING] We tried to… To stop him…
DET. RYAN SNOW: What did Jasper do?
KATE [SNIFFING]: He… He said… He said he was going to put an end to it all… He took one of the pokers from the fireplace and went upstairs… Luke went with him, grabbing a butcher knife from the kitchen in case… In case they found… Found someone… Sonja and I stayed downstairs with Paul, trying to keep him awake… We could hear Jasper and Luke walking around upstairs… Then… Then… Oh, Jasper! [SOBBING]
DET. RYAN SNOW: Ms. Blackwell, breathe. Breathe. What happened to Jasper?
KATE [SOBBING]: I don’t know! All I heard was him screaming! [SOBBING]
DET. RYAN SNOW: What about Luke?
KATE [INHALES DEEPLY THEN EXHALES]: He… He was screaming too… I could hear them… Struggling and… Jasper screaming… He was calling out to Luke for help… Then… Then it just stops… Luke was still screaming… And… And he ran back downstairs… His knife was gone and… And he was covered in blood… He said it was Jasper’s… That… That something… Something grabbed him in the attic and dragged him away… Luke said he went after him and… He ran back to us when… Something wet started splashing his face… It wasn’t until he left the attic that he saw it was blood… That’s when he stopped hearing Jasper scream…
DET. RYAN SNOW: Did Luke see what took Jasper?
KATE: He said it was too dark… Said he couldn’t see what it was doing to Jasper… It wasn’t until the police found him that… That I even found out how he… He… [SNIFFING]
DET. RYAN SNOW: Ms. Blackwell-
KATE: When Luke told us what had happened… We… We agreed to play the Ouija board… We just wanted to say goodbye… But… But nothing happened… We said goodbye so many times… But… But, the planchette just sat there… The only time it moved was when we began shaking and couldn’t… Couldn’t keep our hands still… Sonja begged it to let us go… But… Then we heard it… We heard the voices again… It said… It said ‘no…’ that it wasn’t going to let us go… Then… Then… We heard it running from up in the attic… It was coming right toward us… I didn’t even… I didn’t even see it… But… Luke… Whatever happened… It… It hit Luke with the poker Jasper had… It was just a large black blur and all we could think to do was run… Sonja and I grabbed Paul and ran… We just kept running… I don’t know when we lost Paul… I just noticed he wasn’t behind us… We… We let him go… We dropped him… Oh, Jesus Christ, we left him behind on that trail! We stopped running… We tried calling out for Paul, but when he didn’t answer… I told Sonja we had to leave before… Before it found us… It was my idea to leave the boys behind… I left them behind… [SNIFFING]
DET. RYAN SNOW: Ms. Blackwell… This probably doesn’t change anything, but it may give you some peace on Paul. When the police found him, they found he most likely died from blood loss from the supposed stab wound left by Mrs. Larson… Whatever killed Luke and Jasper never got the chance to kill him.
KATE [SNIFFING]: Th… Thank you, Detective… That… That does… Help… That Paul wasn’t killed by that… That thing… But… I still… I left him behind… He watched Sonja and I… Leave him behind… I left my friend to die… [SNIFFING]
DET. RYAN SNOW: Ms. Blackwell, they found Sonja. It was believed she fell from a hight that broke her spine. What happened?
[CREAKING IS HEARD IN ROOM]
KATE [SNIFFING]: I don’t know how long we’d been running… It was almost completely dark and we couldn’t see anything… We almost fell off a cliff, because we could barely see where we were going… But… We… We heard it… It had found us… Somehow it found us… Then… Then Sonja… She… We were backing away from the sound of it getting closer and she… She… [SNIFFING]… I climbed down after her… She was still alive… But… She couldn’t move… Or speak… I just… Sat there with her… I just sat there, holding her… Until she…
[SILENCE]
DET. RYAN SNOW: What happened to the… Thing that was following you?
KATE: I… I heard it looking around for us… I kept as quiet as I could in a dark place under the cliff… I could hear it looking around the area near us… But… I guess it couldn’t see us… or hear us… Because I heard it wander off, mumbling something I couldn’t make out… I waited… Hours to be sure it was gone… It wasn’t until the sun came back up… That I buried Sonja with the note… And… I just started walking… I didn’t know where I was going or which way I needed to go… I just started walking…
DET. RYAN SNOW: That’s when you were picked up by those teens?
KATE: Yeah… I didn’t even realize I was on a road until they pulled up and stopped to take me to the hospital…
DET. RYAN SNOW: Do you remember what this thing’s voice sounded like?
KATE: It sounded unreal… Like it was using multiple voice changers at the same time… I was so freaked out about everything that, I didn’t bother trying to figure out where it was coming from, what its actual voice sounded like… I just know it was big…
[DOORBELL RINGS]
KATE: That might be Mrs. Mayfield.
DET. RYAN SNOW: Then that’s my cue to leave. Thank you for agreeing to another interrogating Ms. Blackwell.
[SHUFFLING AS DET. SNOW GOES TO GRAB RECORDER]
DET. RYAN SNOW: If you have any more information for me, you have my number.
KATE: Did you read th-
[RECORDING ENDS]
I had cut the recorder off before Ms. Blackwell could ask me her question. She had asked if I had read the guest book, to which I told her that I did. However, I told her that it didn’t hold and substantial evidence that could prove or disprove her innocence in the murders of her friends. Despite that, I did tell her that the entries did hold some similarities to her case and that I would need to do some more digging to finding answers. I didn’t tell her about Mr. Raines and how he had survived and was in prison for the murder of his fiancé. I also still needed to speak with Cloud Nine Vacation Rentals. If neither of those give me the leads I need, I may need to visit the crime scene myself and travel up to those cabins.
We met with Mrs. Mayfield once we left the room, the Blackwell attorney clearly displeased with her client, but more so with me. Her stating that if I wanted to speak to Ms. Blackwell again, I would need to contact Mrs. Mayfield first. Though, I can already guess that she won’t let me speak to Ms. Blackwell one-on-one again. Thankfully, I may have gotten all my answers from Ms. Blackwell for now. As far as she was letting on, she was just as lost as to what was going on in those mountains as I was. I still can’t deem her as innocent just yet, but her recollection of the night her friends’ died checks out in a bizarre kind of way.
My next move on gathering the leads I need, to pay a visit to Cloud Nine Vacation Rentals. They may even have something on the previous cases.
As for my mysterious caller; so long as he didn’t know where Ms. Blackwell was or knew how to contact her, I’ll just have to wait for another call to find out where to find the son of a bitch.

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