Let us start with the advert itself. Well, in form it is no different from the PiS adverts made by Kurski. Dramatic music, dramatic narration, dramatic frames, a few piles of skulls, a smiling Putin, Lukashenko and so on. It's obvious that the intention was to hammer the PiS = Russia equation into people's heads by appealing to the simplest of emotions, namely fear of a brutal superpower. Well, and it's a campaign ad, so of course the political opponent, i.e. PiS, is hit with a mace. Opinions differ. I am one of those who believe that this form will have the opposite effect to the one intended. In the safe electorate of PO it will probably be attractive. Everywhere else, it will cause embarrassment. As a result, many people will think that all this Russian influence is no real problem. Just another stage in the 20-year PO-PiS war. And I am not even talking about the so-called Jan Kowalski). This is exactly the tone in which professional pundits speak. It never ceases to amaze me, but what can I do, I have come to terms with the facts.
Well, it shouldn't be like that.
It has been argued that PiS has did a lot more and a lot worse over eight years. Yes, that is true. It has. And it would be nice if some pundits remembered that and didn't write silly things about how now, in May 2024, someone in Poland has called someone a traitor for the first time. Still, I guess we expected a more sophisticated rhetoric from the current government, didn't we? Because the problem of Russian influence is real and has been swept under the carpet as much as possible. And it needs to be dealt with in a calm, rational way.
That's right. Because apart from the form, there is also content in the ad. There is the statement that PiS "won the election with the help of illegally collected recordings from a Russian coal importer". Ok, here is the suggestion that PiS won ONLY because of this, which of course is not true. The 2015 victory, like any victory, was the result of many factors. Both the mistakes of the then PO-PSL coalition, the lies of PiS (Smolensk trutherism, refugee fearmongering, purported plans of privatising forests) and the poor result of the Left), which was missing a few tens of thousands of votes to enter the Sejm. Yes, this is manipulation, although we should also remember that we are talking about a 50-second election ad. Nevertheless, the base of this argument is as true as it can be. The recordings from the restaurant were commissioned by Marek Falenta, who imported Russian coal into Poland. The Russians were involved in this affair on several levels, to which I will return shortly. PiS obtained these recordings from Falenta, knowing that they had been obtained illegally and probably knowing that they were helping a Russian spy. PiS used them to help itself win the election. I'm sorry, but that's what happened.
It goes on to say that PiS increased imports of Russian coal. This is no secret either, the figures are public. In the last two years of the PO-PSL coalition, 6.5 and 4.9 million tonnes were imported from there. In the first years of the PiS government, these figures rose to 5.2, 8.6 and 13.1 million respectively, after which they began to fall. In 2019-2020, they reached a similar volume as in 2010-2011, i.e. with the PO-PSL government. Of course, this is manipulative, because to get a complete picture one would have to give the total volumes for eight years (and these are similar), while the sheer fact of the sudden increase in Russian coal imports after 2015 is undeniable.
It continued: 'Cases indicating the growing influence of Belarusian and Russian agencies have been swept under the carpet.
Excuse me, but weren't they? If it is possible to point to a constant, unchanging part of this issue during the eight years of the PiS government, it is the pattern, which has always been the same. Investigative journalists uncover some Russian influence on people close to the ruling party, some (let's be clear: some) media write about it, some of us are outraged, and then nothing happens. Little has been done about the Russian infiltration of circles opposing the government, see the Confederation, the anti-establisment and anti-vaccine movements and so on. The question 'where are the agencies' has even been asked so many times in pro-democratic social media that I could print these comments and cover my walls with them. Sorry, but that's how it was. I don't know if it gets any better, but that's the way it was.
Furthermore, 'they blocked investment in the expansion of the Polish army'.
If I were PO, I would stay away from this argument. Yes, PiS blocked the purchase of Caracal helicopters, and during Macierewicz's time as defense minister, the army sometimes even lacked uniforms. But all this is irrelevant today, given that after the Russian invasion of Ukraine the PiS government has expanded the Polish military a lot. This argument would make sense in 2019. In 2024 it does not. I note, however, that it was not as various PiS propagndists now portray it that they took power and immediately turned Poland into a military superpower. In fact, little was done in this direction for the first six years.
It continues: 'Thanks to the support and involvement of PiS politicians, Tomasz Szmydt, until recently a judge and in fact a spy who fled to Belarus, has made a dizzying career.
I don't know what could be controversial here? Probably just the clear naming of Szmydt as a spy. Actually, we don't know 100% what his role was, but ok, it fits into the convention of a campaign ad. On the other hand, the statement that Szmydt had a career on the side of PiS is, well, I'm very sorry, but: true.
Finally, there is a passage in which Tusk compares the United Right) to the communist ruling party PZPR, which was once deciphered as 'paid traitors, lackeys of Russia' (Płatni zdrajcy, pachołki Rosji) . It's all part of the political shit throwing. To make it stick, the PiS logo is turned upside down, and turns into the Russian coat of arms is. This is how the advert ends.
We have discussed the ad itself, but it has sparked a discussion about Russian influence in Poland. There is no shortage of voices saying that it is absurd to call PiS a 'pro-Russian party', because the PiS government has given a lot of military equipment to Ukraine, including priceless tanks, in considerable numbers. Let me perhaps clarify a few things.
It is necessary to specify what is meant by 'pro-Russian party'. Is PiS a party that openly says that Russia is great? No. Has Kaczyński ever said that he copied his policies from Russia? No. Has he openly sided with Russia against the West? Again, no.
But was Kaczyński saying much the same thing about the West that the Kremlin has been saying for years? Yes, he was. Did Kaczyński create a political crisis in relations with almost all of Poland's Western allies as soon as he took power? Yes, he did. Did he introduce a series of anti-democratic laws in Poland that resembled Russian solutions, albeit in a softer version? Yes. Did Kaczyński plan and promote a war with the EU institutions that ultimately led to an unprecedented freeze of EU subsidies to Poland? Yes. Did he speak the language of polexit? Yes, he did. Does all this fit into Russia's strategy of dismantling Western structures? Absolutely.
So perhaps a more appropriate word than 'pro-Russian' would be 'Russifying'? Or a little longer: 'often strongly pursuing the Kremlin's geopolitical interests, sharing the Kremlin's view of Europe and European values, as the Kremlin is fiercely anti-Western, though likely to see itself as very anti-Russian'?
Earlier I mentioned the tape scandal and the involvement of the Russians in it. Although it seems unlikely, some pundits have managed to dismiss this fact because it does not fit in with the fact that PiS supplied arms to Ukraine. Well, they say, if PiS is supposedly so pro-Russian that the Russians helped it come to power, how do you explain the aid? Well, first of all, its proponents forget something as trivial as chronology. When the people linked to the Russians were setting up the background to the tape scandal, there was no war. It was 2010-2012, and the first wiretap was set up in the spring of 2013. There was no Euromaidan, no rebellion in Donbas, no annexation of Crimea. No one could have predicted how PiS would behave in 2022, because no one expected anything unusual to happen in 2022.
On the other hand, it was foreseeable that PiS would be an anti-Western party. That it would be a party that would confront the EU and its individual members. That PiS would say similar things about the EU as Russia, as PiS had been saying for years, and that it would ally with far-right circles that said so even more. That it would make a mess in the intelligence agencies, just like in 2006. And now let's look at the chronology. In 2013, the first bugs were set up. In June 2014, a scandal erupts, the media repeats all these vulgar quotes for months, which kills off PO's chances in the 2015 elections. In the autumn of 2015, PiS takes power and almost immediately: breaks into the NATO counterintelligence expert centre, abolishes the ABW field delegations, removes almost everyone from the agencies and fills them with newcomers with no experience (just like in 2006), makes Macierewicz the head of the Ministry of Defence with all his Russian connections, which Macierewicz immediately turns into a landing spot for people with Russian connections (such as Gaj and Kownacki), supports the pro-Russian think tank Ordo Iuris and immediately initiates an anti-Western civilisational turn. In this context, should we be so surprised that the Russians might have preferred the PiS in power?
All this happens six years before any tanks are handed over to Ukraine. I know, shocker, history didn't start in the spring of 2022.
Well, and now PO is releasing that ad. And some people say: oh dear, now PiS is going to accuse PO of being pro-Russian and the PO is going to accuse PiS of being pro-Russian, It's unbearable, so let's pretend it's not happening. I won't hide it, it's tiresome. But it would be nice if, as a species, a rational species, we could sometimes look beyond the political insults and focus on the evidence. And there really is a lot of it. The fact that the advert presents the case in this way does not change the fact that the situation is extremely serious.
It has been argued that PO's ad is setting the European Parliament campaign entirely on the Russia-EU divide. This is true, but there is a nuance. Leaving aside the clumsy form and the manipulation I explained above... isn't it the case that it was PiS that just took part in no less than three summits of European and American eurosceptics, Trumpists and Putin lovers, where it was explicitly said that this is the election in which it would be decided whether Europe would return to 'normality', traditional values, Christian roots and a 'Europe of homelands', or be swallowed up forever by the woke behemoth? Needless to say, this is a narrative very similar to the one the Kremlin has been using for years?
In short, what we need now is a serious debate about Russian and Belarusian influence in Poland. A debate that has been sorely lacking in recent years. This debate will inevitably become part of a political conflict. It will not be avoided because we are also talking about the influence of top politicians (not only from the PiS, by the way). All the more reason to be careful. The PO ad is a campaign ad, so it has a different convention. Nevertheless, in my opinion, it does the opposite. It reduces a real problem to a political trend. We can only hope that this is just a stupid idea of a few PR excecs and not part of a strategy that will last for years. The recent actions of the ABW and the fact that Donald Tusk has announced the appointment of a commission of experts to investigate these influences allow for some cautious optimism on this issue. Time will tell, of course.

I started on Lamictal 2 months ago once I decided after years that I needed some kind of help. But now I have my follow up psych appointment next week, and she wanted me to track my symptoms for it. I realized that I haven’t really had hypomania since starting them, and I’m craving it more than I did before. I am fully aware of the destructive things I’d do while hypomanic. I burnt bridges at jobs while in derealization. I spent myself into way too much debt. I affected people around me. There were days where I was irritable about anything and everything. But I was also euphoric and felt what I would call a high, even when doing self-destructive behaviors. I miss the productivity and the intense focus on interests. I miss how being hypomanic made me feel. My meds have stabilized my mood more than it has been in a long time, but it’s like I wish they hadn’t because while I feel a sense of normality, I also feel like I’ve lost a sense of myself. How have people dealt with the loss of hypomania and the craving for it? All I want to do right now is stop my meds, but also my stupid new rational brain knows that’s a bad idea.

as mentioned before too, I received EoI letter from IIM Jammu and IIM Bodh Gaya. IIM Jammu for MBA and MBA HAHM, IIM Bodh Gaya for MBA HAHM and MBA DBM. I am GNEF w 90/96.83/8 profile and scored 89.69%ile. Most of the people replied saying I should give one more try. But i cannot miss any opportunity rn as well. wanted to consider it. I am doubtful if I can do better, ofc if I'll study, i will, but self doubt is one of the things that stops me every time from taking a decision. IIM Jammu is yet to be converted, just an EoI letter is in my hands rn, but still wanted to think and make a good decision. Is it good enough to consider, or does it just have IIM tag? should I leave the opportunity? if i think for my short term benefit, all i can see is it's beneficial, but for long term, idts it is. what should i do?

Hello! I understand this is the subreddit for epilepsy and not bipolar, but the bipolar subreddit doesn't allow medication talk so i wanted to ask this here. My apologies if this is not allowed.
I take 200 mg of Lamictal daily for bipolar 2, and my dumbass didn't realize I was out. I had just stopped weaning myself up to 200mg, so my last dose was yesterday at 150mg. I've missed doses in the past and nothing has happened but this is higher than normal so I'm scared of a seizure. I don't have epilepsy, but it's my understanding that Lamictal is used to treat mood disorders as well as epilepsy.
Is there anything I can do to prepare for a seizure? I'm calling my doctor's office when they open tomorrow. Not sure if this is the best place for advice, but any is welcomed.

I am 20F, and a college student. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder the day I turned 18, and have been treated for it since I was 15 (my dad has it and I’ve always shown symptoms). I have been taking my meds for 5 years (lamictal, latuda, prozac). As a bit of a backstory… my first suicide attempt was last November, after my birthday. It was in response to my then abuse boyfriend breaking up with me. I took my entire bottle of Prozac and overdosed (I was told by doctors if I would’ve taken 10 more, I wouldve died).
Ever since, my life has not been the same. I quite literally can not function without my boyfriend, I don’t miss him, I miss the stability I had for two years of my life. EVERYTHING is different now. Every. Single. Thing. Waking up in the morning is my daily reminder that my suicide attempt failed. It’s humiliating.
In the start of 2024 in college I was introduced to cocaine for the first time. It was a social thing, but later became a daily thing. I got laced with fentanyl because I wasn’t careful, and ended up hospitalized. (I was fine within a few hours, just throwing up and rejecting the drugs in my system). My parents obviously found out through hospital bills, and they dragged me out of school immediately, made me come home, and demanded rehab. I somehow begged them out of it, given I don’t think I have an addiction. It was two weeks I was clean, now im back to using everyday. I can live without it, but knowing it makes me feel better, I use it. I’m trying so hard to not purchase any again, and just finish the bag I have.
I am unmedicated (for the absolut first time in my life) and struggling so badly. My parents want rehab, but I am fucking terrified. I’ve always been better at figuring things out by myself. I’m having issues with self esteem and boys. Ever since my ex and I broke up, everything has just been fucked.
I am so incredibly suicidal. To me, cocaine is better than death. That’s a shitty mindset, I know, but to me it’s true. I am in college for english and have dreamt of being an author since I was a toddler. For the first time in my life, I don’t care about my dreams.
Another HUGE issue I am fighting is the feeling that no one will ever love me. Boys are assholes, I just always seem to get entangled with the wrong ones. I don’t deserve to be loved. It’s just all I have ever wanted.
I don’t recognize myself. I am such a good person. I love people so deeply. But I am disgusted with who I have become. I’m stuck between wanting my old self back, and just wanting to end my suffering. I don’t have any plans or anything, but suicide is all I think about.
I don’t know what to do with my life. I feel like it’s over. If anyone relates to even the tiniest part of this, please comment. I’m truly at a loss.

I’ve been fairly stable for the past year now after finally being diagnosed and getting stabilized on a high dose of lamictal. I’m so grateful for all of it and I know I’m so lucky that the first med I tried ended up serving me so well
Something I didn’t expect was how much grief is associated with the remembering. I was so sad and doing terrible things to myself and I didn’t know who I was without my emotions guiding me to every decision. I wish I had been given the chance to live those years the way I am now, make friends who are healthy for me and learn hobbies and have long term relationships. I grieve the person I was and hate them a little too. I know I’m young and have time to live but I feel like I missed the best young years to this and now I’m going through that phase of adulthood when the people in my life are already past it.
Not looking for anything here but solidarity and ears to listen or advice on how to move past these feelings.

that's it. i just feel so insanely bad that people have to deal with me being the way i am despite years and years of trying to control this stupid disorder that's ruined my life
i only have online friends left, had a massive falling out with IRL friends that i don't miss but three years of not having anyone to see besides my parents every day is soul crushing. i'm too disabled to work after sudden onset fibromyalgia back in 2019 and i haven't found anything to help the symptoms, i am currently seeing a doctor i trust but i've literally only been to him once so there just isn't much time to really sit down and try to find the cause. he's also treating the PMDD but we're still very early in that as well. i'm on viibryd and lamictal so i'm medicated but it's too early to see real results with the lamictal. i've been more stable the past 5 days but it's like im feeling all of it at once instead of the slow burn
idk. i have only been talking to the few friends i have left maybe once or twice month for over 2 years now and that's mostly just to say "hey i'm not dead yet" they're wonderful people, i love them so much and they're all very patient and understanding and know that the pmdd is extremely severe and that the safest thing for me to do (for myself and for them) is to isolate so i can try and rest and not potentially blow up on someone during a rage episode.
my most favorite person in the world sent me a dm a few weeks ago that was essentially "you say the word and i am driving ten hours to come see you and we're going to go have fun" and i just lost it. lost my fucking mind because i read that message and all i could think was "but what about my period what if i'm in luteal" and had the worst word vomit of my life trying to express gratitude but also that i just don't know if i will ever be ready for life again. i don't know if i will ever be pleasant to be around ever again. sure, i get my good week if im lucky that cycle but it's all spent trying to recover from 10-14 days of emotional trauma made by own fucking stupid body and trying to prepare myself for The Horrors Yet to Come
i just want to go back in time and never have met these people just to save them the pain of having known someone who ended up being so profoundly mentally ill kind of out of nowhere when i tried micronor back at the end of 2021 and have been violently depressed since. it's not even that i'm upset with them in any way at all, i just feel so guilty for having made friends and now having psychic powers to know everything would go to hell so fast
i know it's illogical, i know i can't keep myself from making a connection ever again in my life because what if a bad thing happens, i know i'm in luteal on top of a late period. i fucking wish that knowing that i'm in luteal made anything better but if anything i think i feel worse knowing it's just a reaction to a hormone my body makes. i'm transgender so it's an extra kick in the teeth that not only did i get a body that doesn't look right but it doesn't work right either- so many things that have traumatized me and made me worse off mentally could have been solved if i had just ended up with a dick and balls instead of the uterus set up
i just want it to end. i am a massive burden to my parents and i know seeing me in this much pain upsets them and there's nothing they can do about it. my only sibling killed himself years ago so i'm the only child they have left. i wish that i could say "well everyone sorry but it sucks too bad and i am ready to die now" and the answer would be "aw we'll miss you but if this is the only way to make the suffering stop we'll send you out with a bang"
i'm tired. i'm trying to distract myself until the bleeding starts but i'm so scared i won't feel better this time and it's so hard to try and stay focused on literally anything through the luteal fog. i know that it's the PMDD talking but my fucking god it makes me feel all the more insane to know this is just going to keep happening to me until we throw a dart in the dark and manage to hit something that might work for a little bit
i feel like an old dog that needs to be let go of but no one else is ready so they're keeping it alive for their sake. it feels so cruel to not let me end it when i'm the one who has to sit through this for the rest of my life that i didn't ask for
this is very long and very dramatic and i am hoping that in like 20 minutes i finally get my period and then i get a little embarrassed about crying really hard on the Internet to a bunch of strangers and then get on with it but god i am so sick of this. i wish they could inflict the emotional turmoil on cis men so someone would find a fucking cure or at least acknowledge that it's real

So this is my first time ever posting to Reddit, and I’m not even sure if this has to do with my Abilify but I need peace of mind and this is the only community I have been able to find that relates to me and my mental struggles. Just a heads up this will be a long post, but I wanna make sure I cover all of the details so I can get the best feedback from yall and y’all’s experiences.
I have been on and off Abilify for about 6yrs now. I would be on if doing great, but then I would decide to get off because I feel much better and don’t like being medicated. Just to add context before continuing I had my baby girl last year and am currently 7 months postpartum without any sign of postpartum depression so far.
I started getting random anxious thoughts that I couldn’t control such as what if my father passed, or even me and I leave my kids behind? This started towards the end of March. My psychiatrist put me back on my usual abilify, except this time he excluded my lamictal which I thought was weird. He lets me start at 2.5 of the abilify and increase to 5 slowly due to my horrible akathasia I usually always get with Abilify. This has worked and I have been able to avoid the restlessness in the past, but this time didn’t work. Started the abilify around March 25th and by late April I was restless.
I had some classes I needed to complete online but couldn’t sit still, so I took some of my 5mg Adderall I had left over from last year without telling my psychiatrist because he prescribed them to me back then. I was fine and they actually kinda helped me sit in one place and get my work done. I did this for about 4-5 days and then stopped.
About 2 days after stopping the adderall my anxiety became unbearable. I started freaking out about death and depersonalizing. My fight or flight was on an almost constant loop to where I felt like I had to get up run away and escape but from what? Life?
Fast forward to now he has me taking 2.5mg of Abilify every 3 days and 20mg of Propanolol twice a day as needed for anxiety. I feel better than I did when this all first started, but I’m tired of viewing my life as if these are my last days for some reason. Telling myself I’m going to miss my kids when I die and stuff is driving me crazy but I can’t stop the thoughts. I guess my question is has anyone else experienced this? Is it because of my abilify or am I crazy? Please no negative stories I don’t think I can handle them right now I’m sorry lol

So I was diagnosed when I was 29 years old. I’ve been on lamictal for 5 years and never missed a dose. I’m unsure of when I was diagnosed that I was just going through a rough time in my life such as finding purpose after school, quarter life crisis, finishing law school and burning out. Basically I lost my father when I was 21 and my mom when I was 24. I powered through school through most of it and never had any symptoms. I was kind of nervous when I moved to another state and had a minor panic attack, but I feel that anyone might have had that since I was young and it was life changing. Fast forward to when I was 27 I had some sort of change in my mood randomly. I was going through a hopelessness feeling. I was getting married right before final and was about to graduate but got really depressed and failed one of them. I had to repeat the course. Was so disappointed in myself because it felt like I was running a marathon and broke my leg before the finish line. I was really not sleeping well, not shaving, etc. guess it was a depressive episode. I had just inherited a lot of money as well and all my student loans were paid off but I guess I just had trouble getting out of bed. Anyway after I graduated we moved in together, had my first real job, got a dose of reality in the corporate world and was miserable as hell lol. I also had problems struggling with purpose as I was sitting on a pile of money from losing my parents and I struggled even doing my job as I felt like I didn’t really need to do it at the time. I don’t want to divulge too much but it was deep six figures. Lot of money for someone who grew up poor and was very well off for a young guy. I started partying and not paying attention to my ex and started hitting up strip clubs. I’m not sure if it was because I was young and wealthy and wanted to see what it was actually like to be young and wealthy without being tied down. This was so long ago that I can’t remember much but I definitely had some moments where I felt like I didn’t really have a chance to do what I want. I may have just beeen lost in life. But I’m unsure if I still am cyclothemic. I know I’m not bipolar 2 as I’ve be been told by two psychiatrists.

So, im 17 and about to most likely enter a BTech programme at VITEEE. My dream has always been to be in Research, specifically a physicist or a physics professor at some university in the west (since India really doesn’t have much to offer in terms of income in that job). And well, i did originally plan on getting a BSc. In physics and then the Ms, PhD, post doc route, but now im kinda having second thoughts, thinking if some emergency happens and i need to get a job early to support my family, a BTech. Will do me much better than a Bsc. My dad is also an engineer and has been a guest lecturer at many universities in different countries in Asia (Im not trying to flex, my dad did that, not me) and he suggested that if i wanna go to BTech then we could plan on getting a MS in applied physics and engineering abroad (probably US) as my gateway into research, and take extra classes for the first year to catch up on the stuff i might miss out on by not taking BSc. Is this a good plan? Is Masters in applied physics and engineering a good degree? I’ve gotten accepted into a uni where I’ll be getting a BTech in CS.
Myquals: 15k in VITEEE, 92%ile JEE MAINS

I'm having an issue with coc.nvim and coc-vimtex in Vim/Neovim. I only want coc.nvim to work with Python and LaTex files, but coc-vimtex is not providing autocompletion for LaTex. Here's what I've tried so far:

Configuration to Enable coc.nvim Only for Python and LaTex

I have configured my .vimrc to enable coc.nvim only for Python and LaTex files using the following autocommands: autocmd FileType python,tex let b:coc_enabled = 1 autocmd FileType * if &filetype !=# 'python' && &filetype !=# 'tex' let b:coc_enabled = 0 endif

Steps Taken

1. Installed coc.nvim and coc-vimtex:
   • I installed coc-vimtex using :CocInstall coc-vimtex.
   • I checked with :CocList extensions, and coc-vimtex is listed.
2. Configured coc-settings.json:
   • I set coc.source.vimtex.enable to true.
   • I also added 'tex' and other file types to coc.source.vimtex.filetypes.
3. Restarted Vim/Neovim:
   • I restarted Vim/Neovim multiple times to apply the changes.
4. Tested LaTex Autocompletion:
   • I tried typing common LaTex commands like \begin or \section, but I didn't get any LaTex-specific autocompletion.
5. Diagnostics:
   • I used :CocDiagnostics, but there is nothing on the new buffer
   • I checked :CocCommand workspace.showOutput, but nothing related to coc-vimtex appeared.
6. Verified vimtex:
   • Commands like :VimtexCompile work, suggesting that vimtex is functioning properly.
7. Reinstalled coc-vimtex:
   • I tried uninstalling and reinstalling coc-vimtex, but it didn't resolve the problem.

• Why might coc-vimtex not be providing LaTex-specific autocompletion?
• Is there something I might have missed in my configuration or setup?
• Any suggestions on additional steps to troubleshoot or fix this issue?
• I have acces to coc in tex file but no autocompletion base with doc-vimtex only on my last word I write like basic coc use

when I do :CocList sources
around[A]1 uffer[B]1 ile[F]10 python-import[PY]99 python pyright[LS] so nothing about latex
I appreciate any help or advice you can offer. Thanks in advance!

41F nonsmoker, medical cannabis user (no flame)
I have had chronic pain for years that's only been resolved briefly by a month of steroids, or a month on meloxicam with PT.
I've dealt with TMJ dysfunction after an auto accident age 20, which also broke my femur and it has a rod and nails to this day. By 25 it was no longer mouth guards and muscle relaxers, and I was getting injections in the base of my skull, along my neck, and in my upper back out towards my shoulders. I was told it was saline, and the records are lost. I considered this a drawback of my prior occupation in a call center.
Age 35 my nails were drying out, splitting vertically, and my eyes were beginning to stay irritable. I topped out at 214 pounds and I'm 62 inches tall. I had been taking Saphris and Welbutrin for five years and aside from being sore and exhausted all the time, my lower neck had been consistently tight and burning enough for me to look into CBD. I also switched to Fetzima from Welbutrin, and the muscle cramps were comical.
In 2018 I decided to stop Saphris and use this body. My left hip was always restricted after the auto accident. I didn't understand why and no one suggested additional tests or MRI, or more aggressive PT.
2019 was a big year for me when I took a job on retail, after I hadn't worked for a few years. I had headaches all the time from my eyes and the light, which hadn't been a thing. I had more than 1 migraine per quarter, which was my baseline.
Under the stress of the pandemic I pushed myself. I got my symmetry, ROM, flexibility, balance, and strength back. It was rad, until it wasn't.
I was sweating out my headbands up to twice per shift, drinking 6 bottles of water every day at work. My face was always red. Cold tolerance lowered. My lower back felt awful. I went to see the orthopedic for guidance on do more, do less, do different? 2020 fall I have mild OA of SI joints. 15mg meloxicam and 1 month PT had not only made my back feel really good, but everything else as well that's been sore and irritable for years. We agreed to move to rheumatology.
2021 april: Hypermobility and anti-SSB. My ANA is not clinically positive and has a specked pattern. Long term tolerance to meloxicam is untenable. 18 months on hydroxychloriquine no conclusive relief.
I have had a colonoscopy and endoscopy but I'm not clear on 2020 or 21. Constipation, painful and nauseating, passing a concerning amount of mucus, revealed a 10mm single polyp that was benign. No signs of crohns and otherwise unremarkable aside from "senna abuse" and I quit that stuff the next year. The endoscopy was unremarkable, although I had already known that without prilosec for an unknown period of time that either I will be vomiting or at the very least need to vomit to relieve that episode. Baking soda water worked in my 20s and stopped working by my 30s.
2023 I had been through requested reduced hours, reduced duties, and no social life because once I got home and stopped moving it's like a timer that I had 40 minutes before I could barely move. Days off seemed to be more about recovery than catching up. I would find myself unable to stay awake in the middle of the day and the naps are always 4 ½ hours. I called out for those flares but they just kept happening. I felt like I was on fire every time my temp lowered to 97°. To be fair to my coworkers and myself, I quit that job. I tried to work regular hours at a different place that didn't have a 40 lb all day requirement, and within 3 weeks I was done. I couldn't think. I couldn't drive because of my head being so fuzzy. I didn't have access to water all shift and maybe it had something to do with it, but I quit.
The next month I started doing Rick Simpson Oil. It felt like I cleared the junk out of my head finally from all my medications. Now I've been thinking more, taking notes, and seeing how deep this goes. I've lowered so much of my stress with therapy and become more creative, and while all that has helped I am still sick.
December 23 my LDL was 195 and I was put on 10 mg rosuvastatin. I will say I know what happened there. I doubled down on foods I knew I could eat once I confirmed adult onset allergies. Sunflower seeds and undercooked/uncooked eggs are a no go. I also have an allergy to chlorhexadine.
I have tender points in so many places like near the elbows, shoulders, around my head, my neck is awful. My legs have them around the knees, thighs, hips, top and sides of my butt, face in front of the ears.
This year I screwed up my left shoulder with a labral tear. Physical therapy was fixing it, until it wasn't. Everything seemed well with strength and motion but then intense pain down my arm that was hurting my elbow as well. Mri showed biceps tendonotis, and I got a cortisone shot. Life was good. My neck felt better and the two recurrent knots in my left shoulder blade were much looser. Back to physical therapy, and after 1 week it's going to hell again. I have other tendons down that arm feeling like bruises from a car wreck but they are no larger than a thumbprint and no one can see them.
I've left my legs alone before they are too tender. I tried the theragun on them tonight and remembered why I don't. I asked who the pain specialists were in the practice, and now I'm here.
Current medications Lamictal, effexor, adderall D3 5000ui, chelated potassium, garden of life probiotics for colon health and their raw one women vitamin Zyrtec, prilosec twice daily (laryngeal reflux) 10 mg Crestor. As needed 350 mg soma, tessalon 100mg, cannabis Flonase, Astepro (laryngeal reflux) to keep my voice Restasis hurts my eyes for the entire day, not just application, and was discontinued after 5 weeks. My glands aren't dead and we're going to treat them manually at the next visit.
Continued concerns are my toes. I get chilblains in the winter while constantly wearing bombas slippers. The outer edge of my toes next to the pinky randomly numb out and are very uncomfortable. My big toe goes numb halfway down the nail bed randomly. Days where I cannot control my body temperature, I stay under the covers shivering until I pass out as soon as I'm warm... Then it's usually the 4 ½ hour snooze. My limbs are always affected. I have had a shawl in bed the last few years for the on then off with the cold shoulders.
I get zaps through my knuckles when trying to massage my arms with glides. I use Epiderm for a barrier on my face. It's been known to feel on fire and get a rash from my own sweat or tears. I will have some small degree of rash or tiny pinpoint hives here and there throughout the day on my hands unless I diligently moisturize. My cuticles recede the same without care. Wounds heal more slowly because everything seems to itch and I accidentally forget about them and catch them in a scratch. Coconut oil to the groin or the itching starts. Coconut oil in my ear canals as well.
Exclusionary Cardiovascular okay. Treadmill stress good. Echo good. Ekg good. Cholesterol within normal levels. 25 pound weight loss in 4 months and complete cbc okay from march '24.
If I'm missing anything pertinent lmk. 175 pounds. No oral contraceptive. Regular mentrual cycle. Bursitis 2x left hip. I started screaming after I woke up to either bursitis or tendonitis at the right hip last week, and the follow up from the mri last week will be Wednesday. Xray unremarkable.
Cervical unremarkable, slight bulge and osteophites. Thorasic unremarkable slight curvature and osteophites. Lumbar as presented earlier in post. All have recommended MRI/specialist.
This issue doesn't track for celebrex or tramadol, but the screaming incidents response to tramadol.

Hi All-- I posted most of the symptoms improvements in a reply but wanted to share in its own post. It's therapeutic for me to reflect on the progress, especially since I'm having a worse day today--those are fewer and farther between lately--and maybe others can benefit.
I've been on keto for about 4 months now. I've been doing a 2:1 modified Adkins, though its often more like 3:1 depending on the day, with <20 g net carbs. I've aimed for blood ketones above 2.0 mmol/l taken in the late afternoon and also maintaining above 1.0 upon waking. I took me about a month to figure out how to get to those levels consistently. Content of diet beyond the macros has been pretty normal though I've experimented with limiting dairy to goat cheese and butter recently. That restriction seems to help with some of the symptoms. I've done keto in the past with some benefit but not as strict with macros and was typically in lower levels of ketosis. I've been working with Nicole Laurent this round who has been great in helping me learn to do the diet consistent with known keto for mental health best practices and navigate anything unexpected that comes up. She's also been a great support in encouraging patience and recognizing the progress when it comes, plus healing isn't always easy as "waking up is hard to do." I've also found a supportive Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who is relatively new to assisting with keto but has done Georgia Ede's clinician training. My therapist has become a convert as she's seen my significant progress the last few months.
Symptoms/illness-wise, I'm coming at this from a pretty complex place. Bipolar diagnosis after Zoloft induced manic episode at 18, treated with lithium other mood stabilizers, always paired with still an SSRI, usually celexa. Improved a lot in my late 20s/early 30s on just lithium and Adderall until doc thought Prozac to address anxiety would be a good idea. Cold turkeyed lithium, then the Prozac a year later and had a terrible Prozac withdrawal syndrome that maybe morphed into a bipolar mixed episode. I tried going back on lithium other drugs and the additions and changes just made things worse. I was left with long term effects from multiple drugs and symptoms of complex PTSD from the dysphoric states I endured. My cognitive functioning was about 50% of baseline based on a neuropsych exam, and I had to take 4 months off work in desperate hope of getting better with the time off. The recent years have been bad but even during the better stretches on lithium I never felt well and always like a part of me was missing--I don't know what of that was bipolar and what the dulling effects of lithium.
I started keto 3 months into the time off and have seen significant improvement with all my symptoms-- though I'll have clearer periods and then worsening.
Symptoms I've seen improve:
derealization -- this had been pretty bad, just lacking the crispness of life. While on keto, I've had the feeling of like watching a TV and it suddenly going from standard definition to HD...and then it would happen again. Gradually but at times I'd notice the difference and then kind of get used to it only to notice it again down the road.
tinnitus - I had developed terrible tinnitus after taking lamictal. It's improved significantly, again gradually and is probably 80% less frequent and 50% less intense when it occurs.
anxiety -- I had terrible anxiety and couldn't cope with most things in life. I often felt helpless and that if I confronted anymore adversity I couldn't respond. I]m handling a lot of adversity now.
Fatigue - I was really just dragging myself through every day and could barely get through them. This has gradually gotten better, and I now have energy to do things like clean up the kitchen at the end of the day. When you're not exhausted all the time, it's easier to enjoy life.
cognitive impairment -- this is a biggie as it was disabling and I couldn't perform my work as an attorney. I've noticed various brain functions gradually come back online. I went back to work in early February and have just gotten better and better. I'm able to think and reason again, and my memory's tremendously better. In some ways it's going back to before the Prozac misfortune but also back to my premorbid functioning, before the manic episode. This can be overwhelming at times as I have to process how I got by all those years and the brain reshaping itself creates some feeling of instability.
Sleep - I developed chronic sleep issues during the med changes/withdrawal mess and was too sensitive to take any drug or supplement that might help. I was waking up a lot before keto and usually couldn't go back to sleep, sometimes couldn't go to sleep at all. About 2-3 months in to keto, my sleep started improving a lot. I'm now reliably sleeping through the night most nights and get 6-7 hours. A few times I've been able to sleep in which had become foreign to me.
Executive functioning - I've gotten better at managing myself and my life. I can juggle a lot more and keep up with things. I'm more motivated and can make myself exercise consistently.
Feeling unsafe - this is one of my big PTSD symptoms. I just couldn't relax, ever, always self monitoring and monitoring my situation. Waiting for something to go wrong. This will take time to fully heal, but it's so much better now.
Revisiting -- another PTSD symptom. I was very much stuck in the past reliving certain events around my worsening. I couldn't step out the front door or take out the trash without thinking about things that happened in those settings. As with some other symptoms, it's not perfect, but I'm having more and longer periods where I'm just in the here and now. I can just walk outside and can just take the trash out.
Social anxiety -- At my worst I pretty much totally isolated, and was very withdrawn when around my immediate family that I couldn't isolate from. Each of these have gotten better, again gradually, and I can carry on normal conversations, joke and laugh again. I feel a desire to connect with people and am repairing the relationships I still have, including with my wife and kids.
I'm not fully healed and some days the symptoms come back or worsen. I've been through hell but really feel keto is laying the groundwork for long-term and complete healing. I've even started tapering lithium, under the supervision of a provider, down to 750 mg from 900 mg and feeling more stable than ever. I'm incredibly hopeful and can see the possibility of a full life again.

Edit: Link to part 1. read that before starting here
https://www.reddit.com/CAT2MBA/s/xVgr1b0Yht
Now, coming to buying test series. You guys know I'm going to ask you to buy CL test series at this point. (Trust me I'm not paid by anyone from CL/Rodha/Elite Grids/Anantasis Shankar)
But I must mention that you should see a few of videos by Gejo and GP and see if you can connect with them. Let me use a cliche from a "famous youtuber" Guru Vahi Jisse Lay Jud Jaye. so yep, go check them out before just buying and if you don't connect with them, maybe look elsewhere.
But even if you connect with them, You need to buy at least two mock test series. I'll suggest the other one to be IMS. Scrabbler sir there is great and he explains things so well. Especially the DILR. Though my opinion is GP is a notch higher but many of my 98%ile+ friends differ. So it's really kind of chocobar vs chocolate cone situation. Pick what you like.
Apart from these two, There are three more options. One is TIME. Infamous for being tougher than CAT. Many people are saying they should buy TIME because Cat23 was tougher than usual. But I don't think those who bought TIME had any advantage as such. To me, I didn't buy TIME because they would let me give mocks in a particular city only which I have to select while buying. So if I buy mocks and select Delhi, I can't give mock tests in gurgaon.
But I am in no way saying that TIME mocks are bad. A guy who scored 99.7%ile took TIME mocks and he was satisfied too. Similarly many others. So you can make your own decision.
Fourth option is cracku. A friend of mine bought his third mock test series after CL and IMS and went for cracku. He was satisfied with the quality. Ended up scoring 99.8+
Fifth option is Rodha. Rodha would be making mocks for the first time. Quant and DILR quality I'm sure would be good. But VARC reviews of rodha have been quite bad so far. so I'm not sure if VARC in mocks would be of CAT level.
So now, Finally let's discuss finances because money matters. Two test series are non negotiable. If you are very low on money, go for CL + whatever is the cheapest from above. Most probably it's cracku because my friend bought it for 2K but please check and confirm yourself.
If you are having no monetary issues, my suggestion is CL + IMS but you would not regret CL + TIME either (except if you have to change city midway)
Next, If you have more money to invest, do it in VARC1000. (5-6k) You would not regret it. You can check out playlist links I have provided for Gejo Speaks to see his teaching style.
And finally, If you are okay with investing, Go for Rodha/Elite Grids. Many people choose rodha over elite Grids because rodha offers a course for QA+ DILR only whereas Elite Grids ask you to buy all three sections combined and their are better alternatives for VARC in the market. But watch videos from both channels and make sure you are enjoying studying from Ravi sir or Hunny sir before buying.
Also, If you buy Rodha/Elite Grids you may also get their mocks (confirm while buying) so you may do CL + Rodha or CL + Elite Grids in mocks.
I really hope reading this long was helpful to you. I wish you all the success in life. All the very best. Chak De Phatte :)
Link to my post explaining profile in detail.
https://www.reddit.com/CAT2MBA/s/OVqqPczwZL
Link to the telegram material I mentioned above.
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1uvjVegtA69arY-in1suUlcA_TPRVCGhZ?usp=drive_link
You can dm or comment on what things I have missed in this guide. Any questions you might have. I'll see if a separate post is required.
I'm thinking of creating a post on approximate time (in hours) it would take you to prepare from scratch. Let me know if you need that. Feel free to give other suggestions on how to improve this subreddit as a whole.

I reached a breaking point with my psychiatrist when, after years of working together, she began to gaslight me about my adhd evaluation results. The results as far as facts are concerned were kind of inaccurate considering the fact i was still experiencing issues from ptsd and was also on strattera at the time of eval. Now a year later, i don't even qualify for a ptsd diagnosis anymore, i am very rarely depressed, yet my inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity have remained very much the same with increased frequency(it may be the same and i might just be noticing it more due to the reduction of other symptoms), even on strattera. At my last appointment with her, she put me on the spot trying to get me to explain what i meant, and i went through the report with her, but forgot to include things like how i have actually struggled with this stuff my entire life but it was missed because i was considered a "gifted" kid. She then said they usually diagnose adhd based on "severity of the impact on daily life" and she doesn't see how it impacts me, which honestly infuriated me because of the implication that these issues dont interfere with my life. I had no words for that and told her it's really hard for me to list things on the spot, completely forgetting i had already made a list of the symptoms i experience and how often. She agreed to increase my strattera dose from 60mg to 80mg and left all of my other meds (lamictal, remeron) the same, then scheduled a followup in 3 months to review the report again and talk more in depth about my symptoms.
The increased dose made me feel horrible. I said screw this, went back down to my old dose and reached out to more psychiatrists and made an appointment with the first one who called back. I've had two appointments with the new one so far: first one was an initial evaluation and discussion of what meds might work for me, and the second one was a followup after weaning off of strattera(since i had been taking it for 2 years at a relatively high dose we decided it would be best to taper off) and talking about starting Vyvanse. I have been going through bureaucratic hell over the past week trying to get a prior authorization for my insurance, on top of dealing with my now unmedicated adhd.
I'm aware that her clinic has a policy that makes her unable to prescribe stimulants. I wasn't necessarily asking for stimulants, even though they work better for me than strattera ever did. I just wanted to look at my evaluation in a less biased way, considering the meds and mental illnesses i was on at the time interfered with the accuracy of it, as well as dissociative amnesia making it really hard for me to remember a lot of struggles i experienced as a child. Reflecting on those things more has made me realize the vast majority of the current problems in my life (especially executive dysfunction) as well as the ones that i faced as a child can be attributed to adhd and possibly autism.
The problem with talking to a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction psychiatry is that to her, every time i bring up medication or even treatment for adhd she thinks I'm drug chasing. Even though I've made it extremely clear that that is not my intention. I just want to revisit an old non-diagnosis from the now clearer image of the bigger picture. The bigger picture being that i no longer have ptsd or struggle with any of those symptoms anymore, yet i still struggle with a constellation of symptoms strongly indicating adhd(self screening showed 8/9 criteria on hyperactivity, 7/9 on hyperactivity, and 8/9 on Russel Barkley's executive dysfunction/impulsivity scale) plus a history of responding well to stimulants.
I self medicate currently with caffeine and i hate how difficult it is to dose effectively because of the variability in tolerance and the side effects. I've tried small amounts of cocaine maybe two or three times in the past when it was offered, and it didn't make me feel that much different than a decent dose of caffeine. It's not something i intend to try again in the future. It's not worth the risk of contamination with other drugs.
I am just wondering if i should cancel my next scheduled appointment with her or keep it so i can update her on the work I've been doing with my new psychiatrist. I don't necessarily have any hard feelings towards her, because i am aware that the place she's working and her past experience with other clients that are far more pushy about meds than i am has clouded her judgement a bit. The dismissiveness in her tone as she talked about the intricacies of neuropsychological testing did rub me the wrong way, but I'm not that upset about it. My therapist said it's good that I'm taking initiative and advocating for myself, i just dont know how to feel about it. I also worry about my insurance giving me issues for "double dipping" in psychiatry.
Edit: thanks for the replies, y'all. I'm gonna talk about it with my therapist on tuesday and decide what to do from there. Will most likely send a portal message explaining, just to make myself feel better. I feel that would be the way to go, I'm just gonna discuss with my therapist before i make that decision. I have more than enough time to do it.

Hello all,
I have not been as active in this community as I should be, yet I have interacted with many in DM's, most from seeing my posts and reaching out to me to hear more of my story. I'd like to introduce myself, tell my story as quickly as I can, and most importantly, see if there's any others out there that do beef only at a high fat percentage for mental health. I need others in my life on the same path to keep me accountable. Also, helping others helps me greatly.
I urge you to take a few minutes and read what I have written. I know it is long, but it just may be worth it and make a difference in your day or even your life.
I am a male, 47, 5’6”, 150lbs, married with one kid, living in NJ. I have suffered mental health issues since I was a kid, but started my first treatment at 13, which was for my most recurring and prominent symptom: anger. My other prominent issues are irritability, depression, and a sense of wanting to die, but not actually kill myself, just yearning for my suffering to end.
When I am off, I am a huge jerk, I yell at my kid and our relationship is greatly strained, I am mean to my wife, I procrastinate and can’t start projects, and if I do, I don’t finish them; if a stranger in a parking lot who glances at me for a split-second pisses me off, I want to know what the F they are looking at and wanna go kick their you know what. Life can feel impossible, and I hate it and myself so much.
When I am on, I am happy and calm, I handle my kid’s issues with ease and we are best buddies, I am friendly to my wife, and that same passerby in a parking lot gets a smile from me and I am super-friendly. I tackle a to-do list with vigor and do everything from start to finish. Best of all is life is so easy and I am excited for every minute. I love living and myself!
From age 13 until now, I have suffered substance abuse, attended two separate IOP's (intensive outpatient programs), done many, many years of therapy, and taken all the available drug types. The only meds that ever worked were seizure drugs, and Lamictal was the best for me. I also started smoking pot when I was 16, which was the only thing that ever made me feel ‘normal.’ Unfortunately, I am a huge addict, and I did lots of other drugs for a long time, but pot was always my main drug of choice. It took me a long time to realize the anti-seizure effect is why deep ketosis works for me. The pot strains that worked best for me are the ones used for seizures, then add in Lamictal, and the diet; they all work in similar ways. Had a major light-bulb moment when I put that together.
As for my diet, I was vegetarian/vegan for 20 years, the last few were raw vegan. As I ate more plants, and less animals, my physical and mental health declined, but I just thought I needed to find the right plants or supplements. I started to add meat back about 10 years ago, but still ate mostly SAD, and because I smoked pot to feel well, I’d eat massive amounts of carbs, mostly late at night before bed. For a few years my annual blood checks showed I was prediabetic, Fasting glucose was 96, then 104, with 106 being my highest.
When my kid was born in 2016, I was powerlifting heavily and eating low-carb to attempt to stay lean and get stronger, but I didn’t really know what low carb was back then, I just knew when I tracked my food intake and kept my carbs below a certain amount, I felt better and didn’t gain weight. Those of you who know, having a kid changes everything, plus, two months after she was born, I had a nasty fall off a ladder, dislocated my hand, and shattered my wrist; it was severe enough that they considered fusing my hand to my arm, which would mean I could no longer bend my wrist. Luckily, I am fully recovered, and it does not bother me or hinder me in any way; that’s a whole other story.
It took 2 years to recover from that injury, and during that time, we were tight on budget, so I was eating pasta and homemade sourdough bread every day. In addition, I couldn’t exercise how I wanted to. This all led to putting on 40lbs, having terrible skin, eye, and other issues, and I was angry, miserable, and wanted to die. Man, I still miss the process of making sourdough, I was 2-years in at that point, made two loaves every week, and the starter was like my baby.
Anyway, in 2019, I had enough of feeling so terrible and remembered that lowering my carbs helped in the past, so I started that. I removed bread and pasta, tracked carbs, and I lost 20lbs quickly, and felt much better. I naturally got myself down to what might be considered paleo, and ate things like meat, eggs, avocado, nuts, and cheese. I vividly recall hearing Vinny Tortorich, the NSNG guy, on Adam and Dr Drew’s podcast talking about a carnivore diet, where people ate only meat. It sounded like the most ridiculous and impossible idea, but the thought stuck in my mind. As I began to eat more meat and less plants, I couldn’t ignore that I felt so much better, and life was getting better and easier. So, I followed that path.
Within 6-8 months, I was almost full meat-only, with some butter and cheese and maybe other little things added in. I lost another 20 pounds and felt awesome mentally. However, this is when I started having electrolyte and energy issues. I discovered I needed more fat and started buying fat trim from my local butcher. This is also when I started to see a carnivore presence online and listening to Paladino, when he was still actually a carnivore, not the carnivore-ish thing he does now, lol. Because of him though, I began to eat organs and seek out as much of the animal as I could. I still regularly eat liver and heart, and marrow and brains for their mostly-fat content.
I don’t want to bore anyone with too much detail, so I’ll skip ahead. I’m passing over so many details of my journey, and if anyone is interested in chatting about it, please feel free to reach out. Over the next 4.5 years, until now, I have been experimenting heavily and have found that beef only, at a fat ratio of around 90%, or higher, is what works best for me. Digestion and skin are perfect, and mood is bliss. Dairy, wheat, and gluten, cocoa, and sweeteners like monk fruit and stevia are some of my worst offenders. If I eat those items, within 48 hours, my anger and skin issues return, along with many other symptoms including pain in my healed wrist and other body parts. When I add in pork or chicken, even pasture raised, I will have some type of issues and it is less than optimal. This is how I found my HFBO path.
I have had periods of time where I felt the best I ever had in my life. I am a different person when doing this right, and can be a great father to my kid, which is the most important thing to me. I am not perfect, and I am still figuring things out and stumbling along the way, but I have a formula that works very well for me, only if I stick to it.
Here’s my key ingredients for success:
1. HFBO / high-fat beef-only, 90% fat, at or above maintenance calories so I do not lose weight. Ketones at or above 1.2.
2. Beam minerals, both electrolyte and trace mineral liquids, the capsules, and the sprays.
3. Physical activity and sunlight, with sprinting as my main exercise. (shout-out to Dr Shawn O’Mara)
4. Enjoy life and have fun.
Currently, and for many years, I do what is called OMAD, oh how I hate names and labels for everything. I was doing OMAD loooong before I knew it had a name and was a thing. I didn’t wake up one day and say, yeah, I think I’ll try OMAD next, I just naturally gravitated towards it. I had a 6-month period 2 summers ago where I did rolling 48s, and I have done many extended fast of 3-5 days with my longest being a few hours shy of 6 full days.
Unfortunately, I don’t always stay on track. Sometimes all it takes is a cold and being tired for my body to crave more energy, and if I am not careful, I either eat too much meat/protein, which, yes messes me up, or I eat carbs. Last week, this happened, and I had two days of eating stuff I shouldn’t. My remedy to get back on track is fasting. I started fasting on my own, before I knew it was a thing, then I found Cole Robinson and the snake diet. I love the Cole of 5-7 years ago when he was calmer and did hour long videos with so much info.
So right now, I am 90 hours fasted, and I feel amazing. This has been my best extended fast to date, and I have done lots of them. I credit Beam minerals for this, so anyone with electrolyte issues, like cramping or headaches, please check them out. I am full of energy and about to ride my onewheel for an aggressive 20 minutes on some trails, which, for those who don’t know, is physically demanding, then I will kayak as exercise on our local creek.
Check out my glucose and ketones numbers from the last few days, measured on a keto mojo:
Sunday morning, last day of eating crap:
Glu/Ke
105/0.5
Monday, after a 24 hour fast and working hard in the sun:
69/0.7
Wednesday evening, after 72 hours fasting (lowest glucose reading ever):
42/2.7
Thursday morning, after 85 hours fasting:
53/3.8
Plus, I am down 6 pounds, back to my weight before I ate way too much and too much junk for a few days.
Ok, let me wrap this up. I have met some incredible people here. One guy is close to me in Long Island, and I have become great friends with him, we talk all day every day. I love this dude, and while he is brand new, and is just starting to carve his path, he helps me more than he could ever know. Another guy I just met from Ca, is amazingly just like me and eats HFBO. We just spoke on the phone yesterday, and I can sense a great friendship building there. There’s a woman in Canada who does beef only, and we have spoken, but not as much as I’d like.
The LI guy and I have discord servers set up to bring us together. For him, he’s in need of others just staring out. I am there and willing to mentor and help in anyway I can. For myself, I want to interact with people that are trying to do what I do, and also expose the community to a version of metabolic therapy that has done amazing wonders for me. I don’t see anyone talking about HFBO as an option, and I feel it could be a major game-changer for many suffering people. So, let’s get the word out and bring like-minded people together! Feel free to reply here or DM me.
As a side note, my child also suffers similar symptoms and we have tried several meds. It was the typical med experience and only work somewhat for some of the time. She’s only 7 and suffers greatly. The next move by her neuropsychologist was to put her on SSRI’s, but my wife and I agreed we didn’t want that, especially after some terrible med experiences with her already. With the help of her neuropsych, she’s been on a therapeutic ketogenic diet since the start of school year and has experienced so much improvement. We keep her fat 75-78% and she still eats up to 50g/carbs a day, sometimes more. We track her ketones on a Biosense breath meter 2x/day. If anyone is interested in chatting about that, hit me up. My kid and I are starting a YouTube channel to share our experience along with the other typical social accounts. I see a void in the community for this content and feel we could help many people.
If you made it this far, I sincerely thank you. Writing this post has helped me and you reading also helps.
Edit: I have my socials setup and my handle is @MT4MH on Instagram, Facebook, and X. Same on YouTube, where I posted my first video, which is me narrating this intro with extra content added in. My email is MTforMH@gmail.com.
MT4MH = Metabolic Therapy for Mental Health

So I am in 12 and gave only jee m 1st attempt without studying and got 89.69%ile. I went to kota in 12 for prep., and I also gave my cbse boards their , my boards went okk(65-75%), ps:- I missed my maths board exam and have to give compartment exam.
So after last exam on 12 march , I came back to my home on 14 , and from then I have not opened my books, I kept thinking k dekh lenge and took everything very lightly. I know about IAT and IISERs from very long , and I want to get into physics. I love it.
So coming back to point, I have filled CUET also , and selected DU , but now I only want to get into the IISER.
Pls pls tell me what should I do I have 37-38 days for IAT , should I purchase crash course on sciastra (₹3000) ? .
And btw I have told my father that If I don't clear IAT this year , I will take drop for it .

myquals
I've done my 12th, and I have been giving entrance exams to various universities including JEE. I've got 97.8%ile in JEE M.
As the title reads, I would like to pursue computer science, and enter preferably academia( Yes, I did my homework and read how bad academia can be sometimes, I hope to do research regardless of whether it's academia or industry). I have plans to go abroad for masters. And my questions are:
i) Does getting into the right university affect how well I could do in the future?
Out of many universities, I have come across, only IIIT-Hyd had caught my eye, and I took my time to investigate their labs on their website. They had something going, unlike some other universities where the webpage is blank most of the time ( If I had missed any other important unis, I'd like to apologize for my ignorance here). How varying are the paper qualities published in Tier1 unis like IIT, to the private universities I have mentioned below?
ii) What is the expected number of publications for an undergrad here in India, and how does it compare abroad?
Is it pretty universal that many folks don't care about doing undergrad research, and would focus more on making better portfolios for industries? And how much research should I do being an undergrad?
iii) How well should I perform 'overall' in undergrad, so that I get better research opportunities abroad?
I've read about research internships at IITs, and do they give any exposure to the field? How should I carry myself throughout the 4 years of my undergrad?
I've written my entrances for Amrita and VIT. Please let me know about you experiences from these unis.

myquals
I've done my 12th, and I have been giving entrance exams to various universities including JEE. I've got 97.8%ile in Jee M.
As the title reads, I would like to pursue computer science, and enter preferably academia( Yes, I did my homework and read how bad academia can be sometimes). I have plans to go abroad for masters. And my questions are:
i) Does getting into the right university affect how well I could do in the future?
Out of many universities, I have come across, only IIIT-Hyd had caught my eye, and I took my time to investigate their labs on their website. They had something going, unlike some other universities where the webpage is blank most of the time ( If I had missed any other important unis, I'd like to apologize for my ignorance here). How varying are the paper qualities published in Tier1 unis like IIT, to the private universities I have mentioned below?
ii) What is the expected number of publications for an undergrad here in India, and how does it compare abroad?
Is it pretty universal that many folks don't care about doing undergrad research, and would focus more on making better portfolios for industries? And how much research should I do being an undergrad?
iii) How well should I perform 'overall' in undergrad, so that I get better research opportunities abroad?
I've read about research internships at IITs, and do they give any exposure to the field? How should I carry myself throughout the 4 years of my undergrad?

Hi I take 150mg lamictal twice a day, and stick to it, i am very forgetful so maybe once or twice a month i miss a dose. With nearly a year, ( I am diagnosed 3 years in Christmas 2024), my dreams are extremely vivid, any topic they can be about, but after most I wake up upset. I do make a record of them and interestingly enough I can forget to lock my doors when I leave but I can remember my dreams. Im lead to believe from some internet searching that dreams can be vivid with epilepsy

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Memory transcription subject: Sawvek, Junior Extermination Officer
Date [standardised human time]: October 4th, 2136
“You're pushing the kid too damn hard!” Vaesh jabs an accusatory claw at Intalran, the feathered fanatic remaining unruffled as he looks down at the offending digit with disdain. “Just look at him! He’s practically swaying on his feet!”
Weary eyes, obscured by the fog of fatigue, blink and the scene in front of me gradually shifts back into focus. I stand at attention in the training hall, only vaguely aware of the argument raging around me, about me, content to simply stand by and let the storm work out its wrath. It seems there's always someone shrieking in the Guild Hall, someone fighting with someone else about something, but so long as I’m not the target of that fury there's nothing stopping me from simply retreating into the empty space of my own mind. Somewhere I don't have to think about it, don't have to engage with it. Maybe it isn’t healthy to zone out quite so much, but it’s the only peace I get anymore, and I’ve become quite adept at tuning out the screams.
“Last I checked, Vaesh,” Intalran perches himself imperiously, trying to physically embody the authoritative high ground he claims as his own, “Sawvek was my trainee, not yours. It's my responsibility to prepare him for the rigours of duty and I’ll see him trained up to my standards. There's no room for incessant coddling in this Guild Hall and I won't have you working against me! Your heretical drivel and endless nest-tending are going to dull his edge! If he gets killed out in the field on account of this constant interference with his training then I’m blaming you! I won't let his death be on my head!”
“Damn it Intalran!” Vaesh raises his voice another octave and the pain in my ears increases proportionally. “We’re on garrison duty, assigned to protect an established city on Venlil Prime itself, not front-liners on a damn frontier colony or a war fleet! No one is dying anytime soon! Not unless you intend to kill Sawvek in training that is! So stop fighting me on this! It's not coddling to see that the kid needs more rest! You can sharpen your talons all you like but there comes a point when you need to stop! A blade ground too fine will chip and shatter the first time it's used!”
Vaesh is a good officer, a type I didn't think this accursed city even employed, but it's true. His arguments with Intalran had been increasing in both frequency and intensity of late. I could practically set a clock to it. In fact, that was probably the only means of keeping a measure of the paws anymore. Time for me lately seems a blur, devoid of meaning beyond momentary interludes of precious sleep. Every paw was exhausting and the constant arguments only made it worse. While I appreciate Vaesh's support, even if he had just inadvertently relegated me to the level of a mere killing tool, I couldn't help but hate it at the same time.
I don't deserve his sympathies for one thing, as the voice is oft to remind me. Everything Vaesh does for me is out of a misplaced sense of obligation, borne of a misguided notion that I’m a better person than I really am, but I’ve been lying to him the entire time. I am predator diseased, I can’t even deny it myself any longer, and if Vaesh really knew who I was on the inside, if anyone knew, then they would burn me then and there. I don't know if I would even blame them.
Every time he’s helped me, every time he's stuck up for me or risked his neck; every time I’ve felt the guilt of it all gnawing away at me like a predator trapped in my guts, frantic to carve its way out. And yet… I’ve accepted it every time. Because that's what I am. A selfish predator, a parasite that feeds off of others to survive. Wicked. Insidious. Pathetic.
“Don't pretend like you don't know the truth Vaesh!” Intalran squaks with his typical self-righteous fury. “You’ve seen the state of this city! You’ve seen how the enemy are already past the gates and in our homes! Spreading their evil with every passing paw, infecting our entire society with their blasted taint! If I’m so wrong then why is it that even you, stubborn old blasphemer that you are, stopped responding to calls in the Human District, hmm?”
Vaesh looks away, no words issued in his own defence, a look of shame falling upon his face. Intalran is not one to let such an opportune moment of vulnerability go undefiled.
“It’s because deep down you know I’m right. Deep down you're scared of the Humans no matter what nonsense you prattle on about. ‘Peace’, ‘Coexistence’, ‘Tolerance’. It's all a sham and you know it!” Intalran goes quiet, a rarity for the radical Exterminator, and leans in towards Vaesh. “You should have given up those notions a long time ago, after those apes invaded your Cradle…”
“No.” Vaesh’s eyes rise to challenge Intalran, an unquenchable fire contained deep within. “I won't give up. It's true, I might be scared of the Humans. Who in their right mind wouldn't be? But, they’ve done me no harm despite the many transgressions we’ve made since they first arrived. They've had ample opportunity, and yet here I stand, proof that coexistence, as tenuous as that may be, is possible.” Vaesh places a paw on Intalran's chest and gently, yet firmly, pushes him out of his personal space. “The only ones looking for open conflict are people like you Intalran, because deep down I think you're scared of what a lasting peace would do to you. You live off of your war, it's what fuels you, and if you were forced to give it up then I think it might just kill you.”
Intalran narrows his eyes and I can see his talons flex, grasping at air as their razored tips dig into the floor. Vaesh simply stands with his paws clasped down politely in front of himself, turning ever so subtly as to expose Intalran to a shoulder full of sharpened quills. I can see the madness raging against reason in Intalran's eye as the two glower at one another, until finally, Intalran blinks first.
“You're not worth it Vaesh.” He says, tired and defeated. “I’m done with you. I’ve got better things to do.” He ushers me forward with a wing. “Come on Sawvek, Prestige Commander Glagrig is conducting a training exercise for the PRED Team today. If we're lucky we might be able to convince him to let us watch, or even better, to let us join his class!”
A starstruck look of glee shines out from Intalran as he speaks of his hero. I don't understand it personally. I try to avoid the new PRED Team Commander as much as I can. Something about that look in his eyes, the way he almost seems to dissect you with a glance, tearing into every facet of your being to expose the parts of you that are never meant to see the light of day… I find it deeply unsettling.
“He’s just a man, Intalran,” Vaesh says softly, “not a God. I don't care what his accomplishments are. You shouldn't worship at his altar.”
“It’s not worship, Vaesh,” Intalran replies with an edge of irritation, “it's called respect. Something you should have more of for a Prestige Exterminator who did more to fight the predators as a junior officer than you have in your entire career. I suppose it's too much to expect for someone like you to understand that though.” Intalran turns around and grabs me by the shoulder. “We’re leaving, Sawvek. Now.”
I begin to walk, pulled along by Intalran, when I’m stopped by a gentle paw on the opposite shoulder.
“You don't have to go with him, Sawvek.” Vaesh says softly. “The work claw is over. He can't keep you here any longer if you don't want to.”
“Stay out of it Vaesh!” Intalran snaps back. “Of course he wants to. Isn't that right, Sawvek?”
This is the other part I hate. Being stuck in the middle of these two. Protector above, I swear it's like being a child caught in the crossfire between a pair of parents who hate each other. Thank the Protector that was one strife my family didn't have to contend with. It was one I’d seen others experience plenty of times growing up and one I’d hoped to never deal with myself, yet somehow it seems I’ve found myself there anyway.
“I… I think I’ll stop for this paw and rest…” I finally say, preying on Vaesh's kindness once again, guilty but relieved to finally put an end to the paw. I'm certain that I’ll be worked by Intalran even harder tomorrow to compensate.
“Really Sawvek?” Intalran seems genuinely befuddled, almost hurt that I would turn him down. “This is a great oppor-”
“The kid made his choice.” Vaesh cuts him off, earning a vengeful glare, and turns to me. “How about I drive you home? You look beat.”
“No thank you.” I say reluctantly. “It’s not too far to the train station and I think I’d prefer to walk for a little bit actually. Clear my head a little.”
I really wouldn't. My whole body is in a constant state of pain, aching from paw after paw of intensive exercise, painful incentivising shocks, and exacting oversight from Intalran. The last thing I want to do right now is move. Almost. The one thing I’d rather do less is abuse Vaesh's hospitality one more time. I’d taken advantage of him too many times this paw already.
“I can certainly understand that.” Vaesh acquiesces, buying into my bold-faced lies. “I’ve been there myself once or twice. Get home safe and recuperate. I’ll see you next paw.”
My departure is swift and uneventful, purposefully so as I do my best to avoid anyone else in the department who might find reason to detain me. Ducking through the locker room I narrowly manage to avoid Bikim and Turlid as the obnoxious pair of brahkasses make their way to the break room, stowing my gear in the process and slipping out the rear exit. My feet move me along down the sidewalk mechanically, devoid of intent or conscious thought, trusting fully to the ingrained muscle memory of my route home. Free to wander, my eyes take in the sights of the city centre.
Sleek and austere towers jut up from the pavement, monuments of steel and glass to the unity of corporate and governmental power, meticulously serviced and shined to showcase a projection of strength and dignity I know them to be lacking; a holdover from more prosperous times. The city itself seems to glow with a multi-coloured rainbow halo of neon, its signs and storefronts reflecting artificial illumination from the mirrored polish of skyscrapers to blot out the stars above, holding back the encroaching darkness of twilight in stark rejection of nature's laws.
The entire display strikes me as a sign of hubris, of our dogged insistence to replace the natural with the manufactured, and I can’t help but wonder at the wealth wasted on such vanity projects. This dying and dreary city will never be my home, never compare to the soft green grasses and resplendent sunlight native to the dayside, and yet as I walk through its streets I must concede that it possesses a certain kind of dreamlike, almost ephemeral beauty all its own. A shame that such beauty is as false and hollow as all the rest.
I arrive at the train station and embark, fighting my way through the dense throngs of people to arrive at one of the windows near the back of the cabin, hoping to continue my melancholy musings in relative peace. Crushing hordes of commuters fresh off of their shifts pack tightly into the confined cabin space, increasing in number with every stop along the way. The foul taste of noxious bodily humours given off by the unwashed masses suffuse the air with vile, nauseating gases that fill my lungs with sickness. All around me people poke and prod, jostling and fighting with one another for even the smallest hint of breathing room and I find myself pressed up against the window. The background is overlaid with dissonant whispers, fragments of dozens of different conversations all vying to be heard, while the tearful cries of unhappy children and loud, grating music adds to the chaos and disharmony. It would seem my search for peace would be denied.
As the train plods along ever slowly on its track I can feel the atmosphere of it all getting to me, wearing down on my last remaining nerves. The walls seem to almost shrink down around me while it becomes harder and harder to breathe. My heart beats rhythmically in my chest, slowly growing with intensity as a disquieting sense of unease settles over me. I need to get out. I need to be free, but I find myself trapped. I can barely move.“I just need to hold it together.” I tell myself. “I just need to wait until my destination.”
In the recesses of my mind I can almost hear the voice rubbing up against me, waiting with anticipation, pushing me, pressing. I just need to hold it together a little longer. Just a little bit longer so I can get off at my stop, so I don’t make a scene.
The train turns sharply on the track, sending its inhabitants swaying with the shift in momentum, crashing into me and once more bringing me into full-body contact with a gaggle of strangers. I can hear my rapid breathing aloud now as my blood pressure continues to rise. The whispers grow louder and louder, yelling and screaming for sweet release! I can feel myself drowning in the sapient tide of bodies! I'm struggling as hard as I can, but I Just. Can't. Breathe!
From behind someone shoves me, selfishly fighting tooth and claw for just a little more room to themselves, stabbing me in the back with an errant quill… and I snap.“Get the Brahk away from me!” I turn around, openly snarling at the other passengers with teeth bared and claws drawn.
The sea of prey surrounding me recedes in fear. Compelled by the sheer vitriol of my malevolent presence they somehow manage to compact themselves even tighter into the far ends of the cabin, and for the first time since I embarked… no one is touching me.
Everything goes deathly silent as they stand petrified of the predator in their midst, and at last my breathing starts to calm. Hushed whispers of ‘Predator Disease’ ripple through the crowd, abruptly silenced as I swing my gaze across the offenders and they squirm to hide themselves away. Not one dares to look at me. Surrounded on all sides as I am, somehow I’ve never felt more alone. In the back a child begins to cry, unable to be soothed by its elderly grandmother for even a moment longer, and I turn back to stare out the window in shame.
“Great job, Killer!” The voice echoes in my mind with a snicker. “You really showed it to all those brats and little old ladies! They’ll have to respect you now won’t they? Wouldn’t your mama be proud to see you now! Eh, Killer?”
There’s nothing to be gained from arguing with my own twisted thoughts and I elect to ignore the insinuations.
“I bet it feels good to let some of that pent up frustration out, huh?” the voice continues. “You might as well. No one can stop you now. What are they gonna do? Call the Exterminators on you?” The voice cackles malignantly. “No, no, of course not. You’re one of them now. One of the big-shots. You’re in this whether you like it or not, so you might as well enjoy the perks of privilege. After all, why not?”
I smack my head firmly against the window with a thud, eliciting a small measure of pain and wondering if the minor impact would be enough to dislodge those unwelcome thoughts for the time being. Briefly, I ponder the idea of getting off at the next stop, of walking the rest of the way home, or perhaps catching the next train so that the other passengers don’t have to stomach the sight of me any longer. In the end, I don’t have to. The other passengers beat me to it, quickly departing at their first opportunity, leaving me isolated as the indifferent train ferries me onward to my destination.
Stepping off, I find myself back in the low-income slums I’ve been living in since we moved here. Old and tired, the architecture itself seems almost sad and downtrodden, slowly degrading and falling into disrepair as its inhabitants struggle to upkeep it. Still though, at least it’s better than the Human District, but if trends continue I imagine it won’t be long until the two become indistinguishable.
At the end of my long walk I reach the tenements, spotting a light through the window to our apartment. It would seem that Quinlim is home and awake. I had been hoping to end the paw without burdening him with my continued existence, but it seems the Protector has other plans in store for me. Reluctantly, I make my way up the stairs to our floor and enter.
My brother sits at the table, absentmindedly tapping away at an envelope as he waits, presumably for me. He looks good; Healthier lately, with a renewed strength and vitality I hadn't seen from him in cycles, perhaps ever. The deep bags under his eyes that once seemed an almost permanent fixture upon his face are slowly beginning to recede and it seems as though he's taken up his wool-care routine again. His beloved, soft coat is as fluffy, white, and pristine as it ever was, albeit a good deal shorter than it used to be. I still can't fathom what would ever make him shear off so much of his pride and joy, but it seems as though he's finally elected to start growing it out again. Certain portions of it anyway…
He's still wearing those disgusting black human-style pelts and an orange noose around his neck. I hate it. I wish he’d never started wearing them. It's wonderful to see that quarantining myself has allowed him to recover somewhat from the effects of proximity to my taint, but if he's going to keep insisting on wearing those… those… ‘clothings’ that are no doubt contaminated in every stitch and seam, then just how much good am I really doing?
“Oh, Sawvek, you're home!” Quinlim stands up at the sound of the door opening and waves his tail at me, sounding genuinely thrilled to see me. “Look what came in the mail! I’ve been just dying for you to get home so you can open it!”
He holds the envelope outstretched for me to take, practically forcing it into my paws with excitable glee. I can't help but be intrigued by the prospect of what could have come in the mail for me. What could possibly make Quinlim this giddy? I feel a cold, hard pit develop in my stomach as I turn over the envelope to see the seal of Twilight Valley University embossed across the front.
“Oh, yay!” The voice mocks me. “This IS exciting! You finally get to find out just how badly you failed AND your brother gets a front row seat to learn just how stupid you are, Killer!”
I look up at Quinlim's expectant face and place the envelope face down on the table. “I’ll open it later. I just don't feel like it right now.”
“What do you mean?” My brother’s expression is one of concern mixed with disbelief. “This is what you’ve been waiting for isn't it? Don't you still want to go to college?”
“Of course I do,” I sigh heavily as I lean against the refrigerator, “it's just…”
“Please, Sawvek,” Quinlim implores me with big blue eyes that shame me almost as much as Ma’s, “I know you're nervous but you need to open it eventually. I'm sure you did great.”
“He's just saying that.” The voice cuts in to knock me down once more. “You're brother knows you're nothing but a useless brahking wretch. Everyone knows it. He's just too nice to say it to your face.”
I sigh and look at the envelope, proffered once again by Quinlim, earnest and loving in every estimation. Slowly, and with great trepidation, I seat myself at the table, taking the envelope in shaky paws. Quinlim looks on, over my shoulder and dangerously close to someone as contagious as me, but there's little I can do to shoo him off as I slowly rip open the top with a claw and extract a decoratively made letter. My eyes scan over the lines of text, not quite believing what they see.
“We here at Twilight Valley University are proud to accept your application for enrollment and invite you to join the ranks of our esteemed scholars…”
They had accepted me. Despite all my struggles and failings, despite my lack of connections and credentials, despite the intensity of the competition I had still made it. I’d still passed. I should be happy, thrilled even. This was what I had worked so hard for and yet…
I couldn't feel anything but bitter resentment. This was the dream of the old Sawvek, the aspirational dream. The new Sawvek didn't have the luxury of aspirations, of dreams. The new Sawvek was a monster. A useless, tainted creature who’d had his dreams stolen from him the day he’d become a predator in full, the day he'd become a killer. There is no going back. Not now. Not ever. The possibilities that once were are nothing now but an illusion, a spiteful spectre of the old Sawvek's life come to taunt and menace with whispers of what could have been. Whispers that now could never be.
“Keep reading, Failure.” The voice drives me forward mercilessly.
There had to be some kind of catch, some kind of mistake. Good things don't happen to people like me. At the very bottom of the letter I found it, past all the meaningless pomp and platitudes, just where I expected it to be.
“Unfortunately, at this time you are ineligible for a merit-based academic scholarship and we are unable to offer you any financial aid...”
I slump back against the chair, defeated and gripped by shame. So I’d failed after all. They may have accepted me, for all the good that would do, but I’d failed in my real goal. At actually earning my way into the university itself, at proving that I was good enough. Of course I wasn't good enough. Why would I ever think I would amount to anything? What a worthless dream…
“You made it in!” Quinlim jostles me ecstatically, practically jumping with joy as he reads over my shoulder. “I'm so proud of you, Sawvek! This is wonderful! Ma’s gonna be so happy when you tell her!”
“It doesn't matter…” I manage to groan out dejectedly.
“What are you talking about?” My brother slowly ceases his celebrations and looks me in the eye. “This is huge!”
“Read the letter.” I say, rising to my feet and shoving the letter into Quinlim's paws. “Actually read it. I didn't get the scholarship! I'm a brahking failure…”
Quinlim laughs at me. Actually laughs, as though my shattered dreams are nothing but a brahking joke.
“Is that what this is about?” He asks, resting a paw on my shoulder. “The scholarship doesn't matter! All that matters is that you made it in! You passed! You're not a failure. We can figure out the finances, I promise. I'm gonna do everything I can to support you all the way!”
“I don't want your help!” I callously brush aside his paw and turn away, feeling the irrational anger of the beast bubbling up inside of me. “And I'm not going to college! I can't! It's too late for that!” Far, far too late…
“Is this about your new job?” Quinlim seems incredulous. “Just quit! It doesn't matter. You can always just get another one. You’ve been working towards this for a long time! You can't just throw it away for a job you’ve only had for a couple of weeks!”
“It's not just something I can quit Quinlim!” I snap back, knowing that no good can come of giving into the anger, but also knowing that I have no choice in the matter.
“Why not?” Quinlim is merciless in his inquisition. “It’s just a job! I’ve had tons of different jobs! Just quit! Go to college and get a better one later!”
He just doesn’t get it. How could he? He still doesn’t know just what I’ve gotten myself into. He doesn’t know that I’m a danger, to myself and to others. This is the only path left for me. This is the only possibility I even have left to try and get better. The only way I can stop myself from hurting people. The only way I can try to protect him and Ma. I’m doing it for them! Why can’t he just let it go!
“I… I need it. I can’t quit…”
“Yes you can!” Quinlim is shouting now, angry with me for failing him yet again.
“No!” I yell back, giving some small part of myself over to the predator inside. “I can’t!”
Quinlim goes quiet, a heavy, simmering kind of quiet.
“You know Sawvek,” he says at last, “you’ve been acting differently ever since you got this new job, and honestly… I don’t like the new Sawvek. You’re angry and miserable all the time. You lock yourself away in your room, on the paws when you even bother to come home, and you seem to do everything you can to avoid so much as speaking to me anymore! What did I do to deserve that huh? What did I do that made you so mad at me? And do you know what’s worse? You haven’t even been in to see Ma lately! You gave me no end to grief the one time I was late, but here you are skipping entire paws! When was the last time you were even in to see her? Do you even remember!”
Quinlim’s every word is a stab to the heart, made all the worse because I recognize the truth in his words. It may be a necessary evil, but I’m still hurting Quinlim, still hurting Ma. He doesn’t deserve the things I say and the things I do, so why then can’t I stop doing them! I’m a despicable, rage-filled, hypocritical predator! Every word he says is truer than he knows, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel nothing but hate hearing them come from someone I love!
“Ma’s been asking about you Sawvek.” Quinlim continues to rant whIle I brood silently. “She’s worried about you and you’re breaking her heart. I’m worried about you. Going to college was your dream. The first in our whole family to have the chance and you’re throwing it away over a stupid job. This isn’t like you. This isn’t the brother I know and love! Please,” Quinlim goes quiet, “ just talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. I just want to help you.”
Why did he have to be so insistent? Why does he feel the need to hound me at every opportunity? It’s not his concern! It’s mine and the further away from it he stays the better! Why can’t he just understand! Why does everything have to be a question! An inquisition! I have had a LONG paw, an AWFUL paw, and all I want is to go to BED and SLEEP! I am just so sick and tired of EVERYTHING! Why can’t he just leave well enough alone and let me handle it!
“THERE’S NOTHING GOING ON!” I scream, unleashing a pent-up fury that had been building for the entire paw onto the most undeserving target imaginable.
In a fit of rage my clenched fist slams into the wall, punching a hole straight through the drywall, and as I pull back my paw I can see blood flowing from my knuckles. I’m shaking as I look down at my paws, and as I look up at Quinlim all I see is horror. Terror at the glimpse of the monster lurking just beneath my skin.
“Admit it, Killer,” the voice echoes in my mind, “it wasn’t the wall that you felt like hitting just now was it?”
“Sawvek!” Quinlim finally breaks free from his shock with a panicked cry. “What is wrong with you!”
And there it is. The confirmation I needed. I can’t stay here any longer. It isn’t safe. I’M not safe! For anyone! I need to get away! Far away! Now!
“I’m moving out!” I declare, storming off towards the front door.
“Wait!” Quinlim calls out behind me, desperate and apologetic, but it’s too late. “Sawvek, wait! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please! There’s no need for you to move out! Where do you think you’re even going?”
“Somewhere else.” I reply as I slam the door behind me.
Somewhere far away. Somewhere you won’t follow me. Somewhere I can go where I won’t be a threat to anyone, where I won’t hurt anyone ever again.
“I’m sorry Quinlim…” I repeat to myself over and over again under my breath, the tears flowing freely as I slowly begin making my way back to work. “I’m so sorry… so sorry…”
Memory Transcription End.
Begin Memory Transcription.
Memory transcription subject: Quinlim, Suspected Capozzi Family Associate
Date [standardised human time]: October 4th, 2136
“Damn it!” I shout as Sawvek leaves the apartment, slamming the door behind him.
I fall back onto the couch, emotionally exhausted, and my eyes look over at the letter before drifting to stare solemnly at the newly made hole in the wall.
“Protector damn it,” I sigh heavily, “I really fucked it up this time…”
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A/N - Hello everyone! I hope you’re enjoying the story! Today was a bit more quarrelsome than last time, but sometimes things need to get worse before they get better.
In case you’ve missed anything, since last time I’ve released some Memes, some Lore on the Federation Military, received some rather impressive new Art courtesy of Gecko, had another brief guest appearance in Nature of a Homeless Musician (or two), and released a whole new One-Shot that I think fans of the series will really enjoy. With the growing list of… well, everything, I’ve also assembled everything Nature of Family into one place! The new “Master List”, featuring all the one-shots, crossovers, side story, art, everything! All in one place and featuring new descriptions to really help explain and “sell” the story. If you’ve missed out on any of the side content I’d certainly advise you to stop by and give it a look!
On a bit of a personal note, sorry that this chapter took so long to come out. It was originally meant to be just a small split off from the last chapter but got way too long. I’ve also gotten suddenly and unexpectedly very busy with work again as seems to happen with some regularity. I’ve actually decided to start looking into finding a new job, something more regular and less stressful, so maybe this won’t be as much of a problem sometime in the near-ish future. I hope so anyway.
Fair warning, there might be a bit of another gap until the next mainline chapter. I’ve decided to sign up for the Ficnnapping again, so I expect that will be my next major project and I’m also looking to write another one-shot crossover as well. Time will tell of course what releases when, but just know that I’ve got a lot of stuff coming down the pipeline for all of you so I hope you’ll stick with me!
I post somewhat sporadically due to an erratic schedule IRL, so if you’re interested in staying up to date I’d highly recommend using the “!Subscribeme” function to be alerted to all new posts.