Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Sorry... lot of words here... hopefully it will make sense....
I've been walking 7 miles every day ( ok.... I didn't walk my 7 miles on Jan 14, but... other than that... 7 miles every day is what I do. ) I've walked over 3,000 miles in the last year or so. Walking is not new to me. I've got the walking every day part down. I get up at about 6:30 am-ish, drink a cup of coffee, check my emails, take care of some bathroom tasks and am out the door between 7:15 and 7:45. I go to the mall, I walk for 2 hours and 20 minutes to 2 hours and 30 minutes and get about 15K steps in. I've also started ( about 8 weeks ago ) walking with a weight vest. I started off with about 10lbs and I could only do every other mile. Now... I can do all 7 miles with a 25lb setup on my weight vest. I'm about to add another 6 - 10 lbs to my vest. I did all 7 miles with the 25lb setup and I feel really good... no lingering back pain. I think that the vest is helping strengthen my core. The mall has water and restrooms, air conditioned / heated, etc... so it's a perfect walking environment for me. I am 60 yrs old. I was 275lb for YEARS... ( down from 320 when I was 30-ish. ) I started walking, eating a TON of lettuce for lunch and oatmeal for dinner. I was down to 169 lbs ... but then I started eating more protein ( chicken, beef soup, less lettuce ) and I might have started eating more sweets. I am back up to 205 lbs.... loosing weight is still hard.. it's always been hard... but it's something I can do... it's just not easy.
I have some weights at the house and a rower and ab bench... but I just don't use them that often. I should.... probably... but it takes me most of the day to recover from my 7 mile morning walk. I am not all super energized at 5pm.. wanting to do rowing and weight bench stuff.
Anyway... this is my world now. I eat less ( than I used to ), I eat what I think is healthier that I used to, and am I walking 7 miles every day with my weight vest.
I drink a 30g protein drink on my drive to the mall... that's most of my protein and besides a cup of coffee... that's my breakfast.
After my 2 hr and 20+ minute walk when I get home, I snack on peanut butter pretzels ( a handful or two ) or 3 graham cracker or a few handfuls of vanilla wafers. At 12:00 I feed my cat and I eat about 100g of shredded romaine lettuce, some thousand island dressing and croutons and some crackers.
I snack and drink lots of coffee... I drink about a gallon of coffee a day.
At 6pm I feed my cat and I make myself a 1/2 cup of 5 minute oatmeal. I have that and 2 - 4 slices of 45cal toast.
Then I snack a bit and stop eating stuff after 8:30pm.
So... that's my day.... should I eat something BEFORE I go on my walk? It would need to be quick... or I'd have to get up earlier to fix it and eat it. I need to get my walk going by 8am so I can walk and not have to worry about mall crowds.... got to start by 8am.
When I get back.. is there something better than my snacking... probably... but what?
my goal is to get back down to 175 or so and maintain that weight. I want to stay way below 200. I also don't want to loose mussel as I get older.... 60 this year... so I know that I need to think about that too.
What do you guys think... any common sense suggestions?
Thanks - jack

I hope you are doing better today than yesterday. (TLDR at the end; or enjoy my story :) )

Why:

About 11 months ago, I launched my app for the first time on lonely because I had previously experienced loneliness myself during grad school. I wanted to reach out to people going through similar experiences by providing them with what would’ve helped me in the past.
I felt this was an important mission for me and a much more rewarding one than my day job that I quit my job to work on the app full-time.
It was necessary because I did not come from a programming background. I knew how to program in the sense of running scientific simulations on MATLAB, but creating the front-end and back-end for a consumer app was totally new to me, so I had to learn from scratch.
I enjoyed everyday going to a cafe to learn from programming crash courses on YouTube, developing the app little by little, and eventually launching the app! The initial response was actually pretty great: 220 upvotes for the app launch post, which I proudly pinned in my bio :)

How:

I made the app to be based on voice, and nothing else: no profiles, no profile photos, and even no texts. The reason for that was I felt a lot of people felt lonely and had trouble finding meaningful online connections because of the modern communication medium which actually promotes superficial and viral contents over authentic and long-form contents. It is easy to see from examples: TikTok’s 30 second videos, Instagram’s eye-popping photos by beautiful people from the globe, and Twitter(X)’s 140-char spicy takes. Sure, these platforms offer us information about DIYs, trends, and news that can enrich our lives and entertain us, but they don’t by all means help us feel more connected to individuals. Even on Reddit, the contents tend to be more wholesome and there are hilarious comments that build on top of each other, but the actual sense of connection you feel with the users is tenuous.
Focusing on voice worked! It was incredible listening to the heartfelt messages from strangers from all over the world who opened up about their loneliness and didn’t mind being vulnerable to other strangers. I have personally spoke with everyone that came by. The 14k minutes of voice messages do not include my own voice messages; they are all messages that people left for their own posts, to each other, or as replies to me.

Highlights:

There were some incredible moments, which would be too long to share in this post (leave a comment if you want to hear more!), but some of the highlights were (note: these are all from public conversations):

• Lady in New Brunswick, Canada was extremely depressed after a difficult divorce and felt being on the life’s edge. She was getting scammed left and right on dating apps and was losing hope. She told me that I was the only one that she felt she could trust and talk to, and she probably wouldn’t be here if I ever stopped talking to her. Thankfully, she eventually managed to find a boyfriend and she thanked me for having always been there for her. She still came back to the app to act as a supporter for other lonely souls for a while!
• Gentleman in New York, USA felt isolated in a farm and felt he had no real connections with anyone. He shared with me and other users about his life growing various vegetables, but stopped coming on the app for a couple of months. When he came back, he was pleasantly surprised by the app’s development, felt I really believed in my mission to help lonely souls, and became an evangelist for my app :) He posted on several forums on Reddit and engaged in conversations with many users on the app.

What was also incredible was that there were not only people experiencing loneliness here, but also people who did not feel lonely but were on the app to support others going through loneliness. They would share stories and studies related to loneliness in their posts, and also try to talk to some lonely folks on the app who seemed very hardened by their experience of loneliness which made them cynical and pessimistic. The concept of compassionate listening by Thich Nhat Hanh and Polyvagal theory that explains 3 levels of our nervous system are a few things they mentioned that come to my mind. Unfortunately, these efforts by supporters were often, so to speak, ineffective in solving people’s loneliness.

What I learned:

And that was part of what made it so hard to have a sustainable ecosystem on my app: many people who have been lonely for a long period of time had their personalities and social skills hardened to the point that they either:

• did not know how to engage with others by understanding social cues and sharing stories about themselves that allow themselves to be vulnerable to others, which allows for deeper social connections
• felt they are never good enough, they are stuck in their situation, and there is nothing that can help them get better. Any help or suggestions offered by others would only work on others and did not apply to them.

My hope for the app was to help people who experience loneliness find and support each other. By providing the platform for them to voice out their stories, have them be heard by others, and find others who resonate and reply, I thought they would finally find friends whom they can relate to, share their lives with, and would no longer have to feel lonely again.
However, the reality was that many were hardened by loneliness and it was hard for such connections to materialize. Plus, one of the main ways for an app like this to grow is by word of mouth. Unfortunately, most people experiencing loneliness did not have anyone to share the app with, which stunted the app’s growth and mostly depended on me manually bringing users onto the platform.
With fewer chances of having good interactions, even the people who really resonated with the app and shared stories slowly stopped coming back. Some just suddenly ghosted, which made the experience on the app painful for other engaged people on the app.

My hope for the future:

I still believe that there are more people out there experiencing loneliness who have the deep desire to share their stories and find the long-term friends across the globe who understand each other and can share slices of their lives with.
So, if you are someone that can benefit from sharing stories and solve your loneliness this way, feel free to check out my app at https://bubblic.app
Also, if you know of any way I can improve the app to better help people experiencing loneliness, please leave a comment.
Lastly, word of mouth would really help. If you like the app, or if you know someone who would benefit from the app, please share it with others!

TLDR:

I created an app focused on voice communication to help lonely people connect, inspired by my own experiences. Despite an encouraging start and meaningful interactions, many users struggled to form lasting connections due to the deep impact of their loneliness. Growth has been slow, mainly reliant on my efforts. If you know someone who might benefit, please share my app: https://bubblic.app. Feedback is also welcome! Tech stack used:
Backend

• AWS Websocket, DynamoDB, Cognito, S3, Lambda

AI

• WhisperX model running on laptop locally

Frontend

• Flutter

I've had TMJ issues as long as I can remember. The last few years it's gotten so much worse especially this last year. I tried dental guards but I have a small mouth and have to order the kids version next check to see if it fits, the regular ones I got won't stay in.
I use cold packs and massage the area when flare ups happen but it's not always super effective. It causes terrible headaches and I'm not supposed to take most OTC pain relievers because of my ulcerative colitis.
I'm looking for suggestions for any type of massager, cream/lotion/etc, any thing to help with the pain. I'm more than open to suggestions to exercises and any tips anyone has.
I can't afford to go see a dentist again until fall and I'm not sure if my health insurance will cover PT for it because I just got Medicare and there's a lot that it seems to not want to cover.
Thank you to anyone who will respond, I'm tired of the endless pain. :(

I stared, mouth dry, heart pounding, at the message from my boss – That awful combination of words that my coworkers and I pray we never see:
“You’re in the running for Employee of the Year.”
For him to send something so callous via email – that was just rubbing salt in the wound.
My eyes glazed over the wall of text that followed. I didn’t need to read the details – I’d cleaned enough of the prior winners off the walls and ceiling of the soundproofed breakroom to know exactly what the award entailed.
After that initial, deep pang of fear faded, denial flooded in to take its place.
I wasn’t just hitting my sales quota, I was blowing it out of the damn water – selling big ticket items daily. I never forgot to place the stickers with my barcode on the products, either, so when my customers checked out and it was scanned at the register, the sales should’ve automatically been linked to my employee ID.
We don’t receive commission – there are other ‘incentives’ to keep our sales up. I hadn’t been watching the numbers because I knew I was making sales left and right – I would've never even dreamt that I was at risk.
It was just a glitch with our computer system, I decided with a nervous laugh. It had to be – something IT could probably sort out in no time.
When I finally regained control of my legs, I wobbled to my manager’s office.
There was no miscalculation, he assured me. It was my employee ID that ranked at the bottom.
“The barcodes never lie, Graham.” He didn’t even bother making eye contact.
I was circling the drain figuratively, and if I didn’t get my shit together – literally – soon enough.
I begged him to review the camera footage – I knew he'd be able to see me making all those sales. “Don’t worry,” he added, with a smile vacant of anything remotely resembling happiness, “One way or another, we all contribute to the success of our company.”
I suppose that by then, he was long desensitized to the pleas of the desperate.
As I left his office, I assured myself that this wasn’t a death sentence.
Not yet.
I had another month until they recalculated our final standings, before shit would get real. Before I’d be given a limp handshake and an empty ‘Thank you for your devotion to the company’ as I was led down the hallway. Before I’d meet what lives behind the usually padlocked door in the shadowy corner of the breakroom.
Before I’d learn what it truly meant to sacrifice myself for the good of the company.
Word spread fast around the office.
Kevin gave me his smug, shit eating grin – maybe he thought that with me out of the picture, he’d finally have a shot with Elise.
Elise… I just desperately hoped that hers wouldn’t be the name drawn afterwards – the one selected to hose what’s left of me off the breakroom floor and down the stained, rusty drain.
As required, I began parking in my new designated space at the far end of the employee lot – the faded sign indicating ‘Reserved for Employee of the Year’ nearly swallowed up by the encroaching tree line. It added an extra ten minutes to my walk to our store, and I dreaded that added time in the oppressive Texas heat. The rational part of me knew that was soon to be a moot point, though.
One way or another, in another month, I wouldn’t have that parking spot. If I were lucky, I’d live to see another summer – live to see some other poor bastard’s car parked there.
If they hadn’t already heard the news, when the rest of my coworkers saw my car in that space, they knew what it meant. Don’t get too attached.
They started avoiding me like the plague. I didn’t blame them.
We all knew what would be coming next if my sales didn’t improve – it's the same thing that happens every time:
We’d gather for the mandatory meeting on the closing night of the fiscal year, all eyes on the sorry son of a bitch that had ‘won’ – the room so quiet that you could hear their muffled sobs. They’d receive what barely constituted a handshake from my manager while he muttered – dead-eyed – his appreciation for their devotion to the company.
Next, they’d be ushered off to the breakroom to meet ‘corporate’. No one tried to run – not after what happened in '19. Instead, the winner would always turn back, shooting us a desperate, final look – eyes pleading for someone, anyone, to intervene. And, of course, no one ever did.
Once the door closed behind them and that sound-proofed room swallowed up the last of their sobbing, begging – it was over. The rest of us would be sent home and I'd try to shower away that disgusting feeling – that sick sense of relief that someone else was sent to their death, and not me.
Cal – the nicest guy I’d ever met – he was the bottom performer two years ago.
He’d fallen so ill that he’d nearly wasted away and eventually, couldn’t work anymore. He must've thought that freed him from his contract – if he left, if he never came back into work, he’d be okay.
He must not have read the fine print in our hiring paperwork.
Although, to be fair, if any of us had read it, we'd never have signed it in the first place.
Cal was a warning to the rest of us, that there is no quitting in our line of work. If they have to track you down and find you (and I promise you that they will find you) – well, wouldn’t you prefer to go with your dignity, with the company compensating your loved ones – rather than be pulled from your home, kicking and screaming into the night?
Gina was employee of the year in 2023. Gina, with the kind smile, whom Kevin had set his sights on before Elise – and, just like Elise, she wanted nothing to do with him.
I still remember that day, the day they released the final numbers. The way Gina’s mouth hung open in confusion, shock.
When she finally managed to form words again, she too insisted that there must be some mistake. We all vouched for her to management – I’d personally seen her make so many sales.
Our manager simply reminded us that the barcodes never lie.
My name was the one drawn for breakroom duty that next morning, to pick up what remained of her smile and her simple gold wedding band, to be returned to her family. In one business week, they received a box containing a check, and everything left of her that wouldn’t fit down the drain.
Once the numbers are finalized, once your employee barcode has been slapped on that innocuous looking pink slip, well, your fate is sealed.
Kevin, in all his years at the company, has never parked on the far side of the lot. He has never even come close to becoming Employee of the Year, even though he couldn’t sell a bottle of water to a man dying of dehydration. He is sleaze incarnate and doesn’t even have the charisma to mask it.
I never understood how he did so well, but I couldn’t afford to think about him.
I had myself to worry about, and the glitch in the system. Any time I found myself in the breakroom, that ancient wooden door was an unwelcome reminder of the impending one-way trip it held for me.
I took special care to keep an eye on my sales, working my ass off, pulling double shifts. I pulled up the numbers as the end of month drew near, and couldn't believe it.
I was still dead last.
Somehow, there were days where less than half of my sales had been recorded to my employee number.
I didn’t understand.
I waited for the opportunity to sneak into the manager's office, and pull the footage myself.
I’d show the boss that something had gone wrong with the calculations, that the system was broken.
I finally got my chance. At first, I triumphantly watched myself make sale after sale – far more than had been credited to my account. For the first time in a month, I felt a sense of relief. I had evidence, and that had to count for something.
I switched feeds, to the camera nearer to the registers so I could confirm that the codes were being scanned. I'd seen several scanned successfully, and reached to turn off the recording. That's when I saw it.
Saw him.
Kevin.
It was subtle. I didn't realize what he was doing at first, until I recognized the pattern. Even then, I had to rewind and watch again for it to click.
It happened for nearly half of my sales that day. I saw him Intercepting the customers before they could check out – before I could get credit for my sales. And while he chatted them up, he discretely slapped his employee barcode over my own.
I confronted him that night – I was furious. He just smiled, smugly gave me that line about how the barcodes never lie.
He didn’t give a shit that he was sentencing someone else to death.
Hell, maybe he even enjoyed it.
Kevin had stolen credit for Gina’s sales – and god knows who else's.
Fucking. Kevin.
The day our numbers were to be finalized, he had the audacity to place his barcode over mine on a huge sale I’d made – he made no attempt at hiding it – right in front of me. He flashed me a grin as he did.
I caught up with the customers before they checked out and they kindly allowed me to peel the sticker off. I stuck it in my pocket to show my manager.
I pulled the video, too, and I stormed into his office, refused to leave until he watched it. I studied him as his eyes moved across the screen and if he was upset or shocked, he certainly didn't show it.
Finally, he met my eyes, and at the sight of the pain in his – well, for the first time, I felt a sense of relief.
Until I realized why he looked so miserable. Until he whispered, “I'm sorry, Graham. Someone has to receive that award tomorrow. It's out of my hands.”
I wordlessly handed him that damn barcode sticker of Kevin’s that I’d peeled off. He studied it for a long moment before he handed it back to me with a mere, “Why don't you hold onto this.”
I told Elise what had happened over lunch, and as much as I appreciated her outrage on my behalf, I was already resigned to it. I'd mainly wanted to warn her because I had a sick feeling she'd be the one Kevin went after next.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't devastated when, that night, my boss called me into his office and informed me of the final standings. Yeah, I knew it was coming, but I guess it's just human nature to hold onto denial – hope – until the bitter end.
For what felt like an eternity, we stared at each other in silence. The presence of the pink slip of paper lying on the desk between us, said more than enough.
Finally, my eyes drifted down to the form.
He’d already signed, but the space where my barcode – the series of vertical lines spelling out my death sentence – should’ve been placed, was empty.
I never knew how this part went, since it always took place behind closed doors. No one that ever filled out that form lived to tell the rest of us about it.
“I need you to place a barcode here before I send the form to corporate.” he said, eventually.
I opened my mouth for one final, impassioned plea for my life, but he interrupted me. He spoke each word slowly, softly.
“I’m leaving the room now. I need you to place a barcode here, before I send the form to corporate.”
He stared at me for a long moment, waiting for my barely perceptible nod of acknowledgement before leaving me alone in the office.
They processed the paperwork, and announced the Employee of the Year that next day.
Yes, I did feel a pang of guilt as I watched the smug grin fade, the blood drain from Kevin’s face as he stared in shock at the outstretched hand of our manager – as he was thanked for his devotion to our company.
I felt it again as I watched him plead all the way to the breakroom, as our manager spoke to him the same mantra we’d all heard before.
The barcodes never lie.
But I thought of Gina, of the countless others, and by the time I heard the door slam behind him – the guilt was already gone. In its place, the relief of knowing the rest of us were safe.
Well, at least until next year.

I hope you are doing better today than yesterday. (TLDR at the end; or enjoy my story :) )

Why:

About 11 months ago, I launched my app for the first time on lonely because I had previously experienced loneliness myself during grad school. I wanted to reach out to people going through similar experiences by providing them with what would’ve helped me in the past.
I felt this was an important mission for me and a much more rewarding one than my day job that I quit my job to work on the app full-time.
It was necessary because I did not come from a programming background. I knew how to program in the sense of running scientific simulations on MATLAB, but creating the front-end and back-end for a consumer app was totally new to me, so I had to learn from scratch.
I enjoyed everyday going to a cafe to learn from programming crash courses on YouTube, developing the app little by little, and eventually launching the app! The initial response was actually pretty great: 220 upvotes for the app launch post, which I proudly pinned in my bio :)

How:

I made the app to be based on voice, and nothing else: no profiles, no profile photos, and even no texts. The reason for that was I felt a lot of people felt lonely and had trouble finding meaningful online connections because of the modern communication medium which actually promotes superficial and viral contents over authentic and long-form contents. It is easy to see from examples: TikTok’s 30 second videos, Instagram’s eye-popping photos by beautiful people from the globe, and Twitter(X)’s 140-char spicy takes. Sure, these platforms offer us information about DIYs, trends, and news that can enrich our lives and entertain us, but they don’t by all means help us feel more connected to individuals. Even on Reddit, the contents tend to be more wholesome and there are hilarious comments that build on top of each other, but the actual sense of connection you feel with the users is tenuous.
Focusing on voice worked! It was incredible listening to the heartfelt messages from strangers from all over the world who opened up about their loneliness and didn’t mind being vulnerable to other strangers. I have personally spoke with everyone that came by. The 14k minutes of voice messages do not include my own voice messages; they are all messages that people left for their own posts, to each other, or as replies to me.

Highlights:

There were some incredible moments, which would be too long to share in this post (leave a comment if you want to hear more!), but some of the highlights were (note: these are all from public conversations):

• Lady in New Brunswick, Canada was extremely depressed after a difficult divorce and felt being on the life’s edge. She was getting scammed left and right on dating apps and was losing hope. She told me that I was the only one that she felt she could trust and talk to, and she probably wouldn’t be here if I ever stopped talking to her. Thankfully, she eventually managed to find a boyfriend and she thanked me for having always been there for her. She still came back to the app to act as a supporter for other lonely souls for a while!
• Gentleman in New York, USA felt isolated in a farm and felt he had no real connections with anyone. He shared with me and other users about his life growing various vegetables, but stopped coming on the app for a couple of months. When he came back, he was pleasantly surprised by the app’s development, felt I really believed in my mission to help lonely souls, and became an evangelist for my app :) He posted on several forums on Reddit and engaged in conversations with many users on the app.

What was also incredible was that there were not only people experiencing loneliness here, but also people who did not feel lonely but were on the app to support others going through loneliness. They would share stories and studies related to loneliness in their posts, and also try to talk to some lonely folks on the app who seemed very hardened by their experience of loneliness which made them cynical and pessimistic. The concept of compassionate listening by Thich Nhat Hanh and Polyvagal theory that explains 3 levels of our nervous system are a few things they mentioned that come to my mind. Unfortunately, these efforts by supporters were often, so to speak, ineffective in solving people’s loneliness.

What I learned:

And that was part of what made it so hard to have a sustainable ecosystem on my app: many people who have been lonely for a long period of time had their personalities and social skills hardened to the point that they either:

• did not know how to engage with others by understanding social cues and sharing stories about themselves that allow themselves to be vulnerable to others, which allows for deeper social connections
• felt they are never good enough, they are stuck in their situation, and there is nothing that can help them get better. Any help or suggestions offered by others would only work on others and did not apply to them.

My hope for the app was to help people who experience loneliness find and support each other. By providing the platform for them to voice out their stories, have them be heard by others, and find others who resonate and reply, I thought they would finally find friends whom they can relate to, share their lives with, and would no longer have to feel lonely again.
However, the reality was that many were hardened by loneliness and it was hard for such connections to materialize. Plus, one of the main ways for an app like this to grow is by word of mouth. Unfortunately, most people experiencing loneliness did not have anyone to share the app with, which stunted the app’s growth and mostly depended on me manually bringing users onto the platform.
With fewer chances of having good interactions, even the people who really resonated with the app and shared stories slowly stopped coming back. Some just suddenly ghosted, which made the experience on the app painful for other engaged people on the app.

My hope for the future:

I still believe that there are more people out there experiencing loneliness who have the deep desire to share their stories and find the long-term friends across the globe who understand each other and can share slices of their lives with.
So, if you are someone that can benefit from sharing stories and solve your loneliness this way, feel free to check out my app at https://bubblic.app
Also, if you know of any way I can improve the app to better help people experiencing loneliness, please leave a comment.
Lastly, word of mouth would really help. If you like the app, or if you know someone who would benefit from the app, please share it with others!

TLDR:

I created an app focused on voice communication to help lonely people connect, inspired by my own experiences. Despite an encouraging start and meaningful interactions, many users struggled to form lasting connections due to the deep impact of their loneliness. Growth has been slow, mainly reliant on my efforts. If you know someone who might benefit, please share my app: https://bubblic.app. Feedback is also welcome!

Hello, I recently had a dental crown for my front incisor, but I feel some pain when I push inward towards the interior of my mouth. It does not hurt when i bite down.
Is this normal?
Thank you for your time.

Hey everyone
So for about 8 years I've been dealing with annoying symptoms. I've always loved sports and gym training and first symptoms were I started losing "touch" of my left side. Right side tensed up. I started to lose strenght.
(Warning, long list incoming.)
Then came numbness and coldness of feet and hands. Dry mouth, too little saliva. Thorasic spine pain (touch sensitive), lower back pain, neck tension 24/7, pain on bottom of both feet. Vasomotor rhnitis, nose itches and leaks everyday. Difficult to breath deep relaxed without tensing wrong places. Face and head itches as soon I start to eat something. Weird itching on legs and hands. Brain fog, hard to focus and short memory problems. Dry eyes and sensitive to bright lights especially outside. Pelvic floor issues, I go toilet alot, cannot empty well and cant hold properly. Digestion issues, never ending thirstiness...No matter what I eat Im bloated and fart ALOT. I've become careless and hard to find enjoyment about anything. Minor balance problems and dizziness when standing up and walk (blood veins at hands visually disappear completely?). Pressure feeling in head when crouching
Was there anything special around year when symptoms started to show up? Yes, removal surgey of palatine tonsils. I have no idea how that could possibly affect.
I've visited physiotherapists, doctors, chiropractors. Only minor short term help. Expensive whole body MRI was ok. Im going to see neurologist first time in 2 weeks. I really hope he takes my case seriously.
Do these sound like dysautonomia issues or something else?
Edit. At the moment its pretty strange Im struggling with all these annoying symptoms but I can work two months in a row doing shift work and double shifts without getting tired too much. Its like Im going with autopilot. And these symptoms were present before I even started to work so much so its not the cause.

I hope you are doing better today than yesterday. (TLDR at the end; or enjoy my story :) )

Why:

About 11 months ago, I launched my app here for the first time because I had previously experienced loneliness myself during grad school. I wanted to reach out to people going through similar experiences by providing them with what would’ve helped me in the past.
I felt this was an important mission for me and a much more rewarding one than my day job that I quit my job to work on the app full-time.
It was necessary because I did not come from a programming background. I knew how to program in the sense of running scientific simulations on MATLAB, but creating the front-end and back-end for a consumer app was totally new to me, so I had to learn from scratch.
I enjoyed everyday going to a cafe to learn from programming crash courses on YouTube, developing the app little by little, and eventually launching the app! The initial response was actually pretty great: 220 upvotes for the app launch post I made here, which I proudly pinned in my bio :)

How:

I made the app to be based on voice, and nothing else: no profiles, no profile photos, and even no texting. The reason for that was I felt a lot of people felt lonely and had trouble finding meaningful online connections because of the modern communication medium which actually promotes superficial and viral contents over authentic and long-form contents. It is easy to see from examples: TikTok’s 30 second videos, Instagram’s eye-popping photos by beautiful people from the globe, and Twitter(X)’s 140-char spicy takes. Sure, these platforms offer us information about DIYs, trends, and news that can enrich our lives and entertain us, but they don’t by all means help us feel more connected to individuals. Even on Reddit, the contents tend to be more wholesome and there are hilarious comments that build on top of each other, but the actual sense of connection you feel with the users is tenuous.
Focusing on voice worked! It was incredible listening to the heartfelt messages from strangers from all over the world who opened up about their loneliness and didn’t mind being vulnerable to other strangers. I have personally spoke with everyone that came by. The 14k minutes of voice messages do not include my own voice messages; they are all messages that people left for their own posts, to each other, or as replies to me.

Highlights:

There were some incredible moments, which would be too long to share in this post (leave a comment if you want to hear more!), but some of the highlights were (note: these are all from public conversations):

• Lady in New Brunswick, Canada was extremely depressed after a difficult divorce and felt being on the life’s edge. She was getting scammed left and right on dating apps and was losing hope. She told me that I was the only one that she felt she could trust and talk to, and she probably wouldn’t be here if I ever stopped talking to her. Thankfully, she eventually managed to find a boyfriend and she thanked me for having always been there for her. She still came back to the app to act as a supporter for other lonely souls for a while!
• Gentleman in New York, USA felt isolated in a farm and felt he had no real connections with anyone. He shared with me and other users about his life growing various vegetables, but stopped coming on the app for a couple of months. When he came back, he was pleasantly surprised by the app’s development, felt I really believed in my mission to help lonely souls, and became an evangelist for my app :) He posted on several forums on Reddit and engaged in conversations with many users on the app.

What was also incredible was that there were not only people experiencing loneliness here, but also people who did not feel lonely but were on the app to support others going through loneliness. They would share stories and studies related to loneliness in their posts, and also try to talk to some lonely folks on the app who seemed very hardened by their experience of loneliness which made them cynical and pessimistic. The concept of compassionate listening by Thich Nhat Hanh and Polyvagal theory that explains 3 levels of our nervous system are a few things they mentioned that come to my mind. Unfortunately, these efforts by supporters were often, so to speak, ineffective in solving people’s loneliness.

What I learned:

And that was part of what made it so hard to have a sustainable ecosystem on my app: many people who have been lonely for a long period of time had their personalities and social skills hardened to the point that they either:

• did not know how to engage with others by understanding social cues and sharing stories about themselves that allow themselves to be vulnerable to others, which allows for deeper social connections
• felt they are never good enough, they are stuck in their situation, and there is nothing that can help them get better. Any help or suggestions offered by others would only work on others and did not apply to them.

My hope for the app was to help people who experience loneliness find and support each other. By providing the platform for them to voice out their stories, have them be heard by others, and find others who resonate and reply, I thought they would finally find friends whom they can relate to, share their lives with, and would no longer have to feel lonely again.
However, the reality was that many were hardened by loneliness and it was hard for such connections to materialize. Plus, one of the main ways for an app like this to grow is by word of mouth. Unfortunately, most people experiencing loneliness did not have anyone to share the app with, which stunted the app’s growth and mostly depended on me manually bringing users onto the platform.
With fewer chances of having good interactions, even the people who really resonated with the app and shared stories slowly stopped coming back. Some just suddenly ghosted, which made the experience on the app painful for other engaged people on the app.

My hope for the future:

I still believe that there are more people out there experiencing loneliness who have the deep desire to share their stories and find the long-term friends across the globe who understand each other and can share slices of their lives with.
So, if you are someone that can benefit from sharing stories and solve your loneliness this way, feel free to check out my app at https://bubblic.app
Also, if you know of any way I can improve the app to better help people experiencing loneliness, please leave a comment.
Lastly, word of mouth would really help. If you like the app, or if you know someone who would benefit from the app, please share it with others!

TLDR:

I created an app focused on voice communication to help lonely people connect, inspired by my own experiences. Despite an encouraging start and meaningful interactions, many users struggled to form lasting connections due to the deep impact of their loneliness. Growth has been slow, mainly reliant on my efforts. If you know someone who might benefit, please share my app: https://bubblic.app. Feedback is also welcome!

I(24) started working in this practice and just to get used to the settings and unit and staff, like how things work. So, I brought my brother (26). He needed an RCT for upper right 5 and who’s gonna be more patient than my brother? Right? Well well well it all went sideways. Oh! Let’s start with the unit, the foot piece has buttons on the side and it’s not just that..to start the hand piece the foot piece isn’t pressed but rather got a side arm that you push for it to work. So yeah I have buttons on side at same level of the arm that you need to push to let air in hand piece. So you can imagine the patient going up and down the entire session cause if I didn’t accidentally hit these toooooo sensitive buttons the assistant does. Ffs Fml. Ah, now that we are mentioning the assistant, she got nothing to do with dentistry. I have to ask for everything to be done. She’s tooo lazy and heavy. Getting things done is very slow. Like I ask her to hold the suction she hold it and the moment i drop the hand piece to grab a probe or an excavator she is on the other side standing doing nothing. Like give me a second I am not done. And it’s not just that, im working upper right 5 and the suction are either in my mirror or interfering with my hand piece. Please please i just want to get done with this and nope. Ah, okay so we managed to expose our orifices and we are starting our shaping and cleaning I ask her to adjust the light and she’s like: like that? No, not like that look into the mirror can you see the light reflecting on the orifices? Ah, the patient. Supine is bad, keep me seated upfront. How ffs how?? Okay, limited mouth opening can’t fit the rotary into his mouth to even hit the orifice. Oh and x-ray. For the past three years ive been only using sensors and she is going old school(practice owner) and uses developer and fixer can the assistant do it? NOPE i should do it. It took me two hours of achieving absolute nothing regarding this case. Other than that my patient is nagging about literally everything. If he felt the file rotates= pain. If h got saliva into his mouth he just wants to rinse. Oh my god.

It was in a little ski town in the North Carolina mountains, five hours north from our home in Atlanta. The treeless scar on the face of the biggest hill was slick with ice and artificial snow. Southern skiers in rentals tumbled their way down to the rickety chair lifts. A pink sunset lit the still green hills.
The kids were exhausted, pulling themselves out of their snow pants in the backseat while we were parked at the pizza place at the foot of the mountain.
H, our oldest, saw the piano first. Immediately, he started to tremble. He knew what was coming.
You were on your fourth glass of wine when you approached the young guy hired to play pop songs for ski families on the baby grand. You sat our middle boy, G, about 8 years old then, down beside him on the piano bench and sang loudly along while our son played a few bars of whatever he could remember. "I Will Survive." G has always liked performing for you. Henry waited outside by the salt stained car, hyperventilating.
H feels these moments as a repeated trauma, a sort of emotional concussion that always leaves him physically shaking. You told him he had no right to get anxious about something his brother was doing. You didn't understand what he was feeling. Maybe you thought you were toughening him up somehow.
For him, it was about all the times you'd made him play for strangers. He was afraid.
I stood by the car with him while he shook, not knowing what to say that wouldn't betray you and would somehow keep our fragile peace. I'd spent months sleeping on the couch while you churned. When you were done performing, you pulled a band sticker you'd made for the boys from your purse and stuck it to the wall by the door. You can find those same stickers in the women's room of every bar and restaurant you'd ever been to in Atlanta. You were building something, turning them into the stars you never got to be.
We piled back in the car and snaked up through the dark hills towards the A-frame rental. The boys were quiet in the dark of the backseats. You had brought a plastic cup of wine for the ride back, cheap pinot grigio sloshing with the turns. You were singing along to the spotify stream— a song called Judy.
"Oh, where are you Judy? Where are you Judy? Where are you Judy...." you sang, so excited to hear your special person’s name leave your own mouth. You called out for her then: "Oh Judy!"
For months I'd tried to embrace your relationship with her. I'd seen the texts where she had sent you the names of divorce lawyers. On the surface it looked almost like an affair. But I knew you well enough to know it wasn't sexual. It was just that she had become your sun and moon.
In our marriage, you had always had a female friend that meant everything to you. Like Judy, they were usually a little older than you, usually with dark hair. Someone that could be mistaken for a big sister. Without fail, the relationships would end in an eruption. Infatuation turning on a dime into disgust.
The affection for Judy was deeper, though, than any of your other "favorite persons," and I was worried about what it would mean for you when the split inevitably came.
Once the kids were down in their bunk beds, I started a fire in the stone circle beside the A-frame, the smoke haunting the evergreens and rhododendrons in the darkness. You sat down beside me with more wine.
It was in your eyes then, that black place you go to, a pained tremble echoing in the dark brown pupils. It was never really about the alcohol. It was something deeper and more searing. You were inflamed.
“So," you asked me, "do you still want to be with someone like me?” You spat the words, staring into the fire. You were angry and righteous but fearful too, like I’d already gone.
A quiet part of you knew what was wrong. Everything else in you blamed me.
“Of course I do,” I said. I knew what it was by then, but I was still looking for answers. Some solution to lift your pain and bring you back. I thought of the children in their beds. I hadn’t told you yet what the therapist had shared with me. I had swallowed it, a secret I thought I could protect you from long enough to find a way to fix it. Some brilliant therapist or miracle drug that would plaster over the cracks. I didn’t understand why our marriage counselor wouldn't tell a client what they were going through. "She will never accept it," was her justification. "Prepare for divorce."
But the same sickness swimming in your eyes had infected me, too. It had brought out the worst in me, and I would match your anger. Our fights had become nuclear, scorched earth shouting.
Not this night, though.
This night, I was quiet while you smoldered.
We sat together, a foot of old picnic table bench between us, a wide smile on your face that I didn’t understand.
Silence, as the smoke curled up around us.
And when the fire was out, we went to our separate beds.

I am having a TMJ flair up. My neck was a bit sore and I was stretching it by rotating it. I opened my mouth at the same time and could feel a stretch by the TMJ. I did this twice and on the second one I felt a weird pain and got more pain around the ear.
I don't have any range of motion issues after this and no extra pain when opening my mouth. But there is more pain than before this happened. I did a search and now paranoid I displaced the joint or something.
Should I go get it checked out or am I being paranoid?

M32 here, generally healthy with no smoking and very minor drinking just on special occasions.
https://imgur.com/a/dwHT5zu
Recently have had pain swallowing for 13 days. Swallowing food and drink is fine, but when just swallowing saliva I feel throat pain.
Also feel the need to cough a dry cough every 5 minutes or so. Every time I cough the right side of my throat has a sharp quick pain. Have had this symptom about 5 days.
Another symptom is the right side of my neck has a constant, almost warm-feeling, dull ache. Feels like a muscle pull but going to mention as in the same area as the rest and I can't consciously remember pulling it.
Finally, I've just been checking my throat and mouth and noticed three things under my tongue; being the dark red mark, the lighter red on the underside of the tongue and the swollen lingual frenulum.
Based on the above, could you please let me know if these symptoms point to anything and whether they should have me worried.
Thank you.

Im 8dpo (31F lap turned abdominal. Kept ovaries and cervix) and i think im past the worst of it. While im still pretty much couch ridden, I figured I would put this out there to maybe help someone else preparing for their surgery! Obviously we all know these experiences are highly personal and will not be exactly like anyone elses experience, but I personally found it helpful gathering peoples experiences and reflecting based on what I know about myself so I thought id write the kind of post Id want to read! I tried to make easy to skim but also included plenty of details!
Heres some things Im glad I did beforehand

• washed and changed my bed sheets -cleaned my bathroom well
• moved things i knew i would need to a hight where I don’t have to bend down to get them. I moved my toilet paper to easy accessible places, my pj shirts and underwear on top of my dresser. Set up a bed stand for water and meds. Also moved my fridge around.
• as for buying stuff, i mostly had everything i needed but was glad to have comfy sweat pants, backless slippers and highwasted underwear. Also those rechargeable battery bricks were handy for charging my phone in the hospital or sitting somewhere not near an outlet. -exercised. Dont stress about this one, i know chronic pain is often the reason for this surgery. I had to stop my routine months before surgery for this reason. But I was glad to be familiar with proper squat form and have strong arms and legs to help get myself up and down without using my core. I also did yoga therapy that helped me understand how to transfer my weight to different parts of my body which helped too!

Heres some things i was extremely stressed about but ended up not being a problem
-Food. My mom came and cooked me some large portion of meals. I ended up throwing most of it away. The idea was to freeze some of it but it was too much of a hassle. I didn’t have much of an appetite and definitely gravitated towards things in the BRAT diet especially bread. I spent the first few days eating like i had the flu and was really sensitive to grease. My mom made wedding soup and it was too greasy. I think i could have survived this week just on a package of bagels and different spreads.
-cleaning and chores. Im pretty sure I have OCD.. this experience has confirmed it. I looked out at my thriving garden yesterday and said to my partner absent mindedly “wow. Things really thrive when im not out there being over involved “ and like wow that is a lesson i did not expect to learn. My partner has been clearing the dishes each day and did some more involved chores once this week. So if you live alone I would advise paper plates and maybe some to help ya once a week for the first week at least.
-in terms of my surgery i was really scared of having a catheter which i did end up needing to have for a day. It was weird but not at all painful. Honestly it was kind of the worst part of my recovery so far just because i felt i had to pee so bad while it was in. Idk if thats typical. Taking it out was not at all painful but also weird. They used the catheter to put sterile water back in my bladder. As soon as i felt a twinge of uncomfortable full feeling i told my nurse. She removed the catheter and i peed it back out no problem.
-being bored. This week has felt like one day. Since it takes me 10x as long to do anything, the days are flying by. I got myself plenty of low key things to do (crafts, activity books, ect) and haven’t even had time to do any of them yet! I still have a feeling this will change in the coming weeks though..
-having enough help. I secretly wished one of my friends or family members would stay with me for a while just so I could be the solo focus of their attention. I live with my partner and two dogs and he has been totally enough support. I needed help getting up and down up until about day 5. He also makes my meals and cleans them up for me and would bring me my meds and water the first few days. I think it makes sense if you live alone to have someone stay a week with you, but ive been fine and honestly anytime someone has come to “help” its just felt draining. I didn’t know how much of a hermit I would wana be.
-my dogs. I piled myself in pillows if i was sitting on the couch with them. I also had a no chew spray near by that we used when they were pups but only had to use it one time. My partner helped to coral them the first few days too. I have not yet been puppy stomped
-the stairs. Its been fine I just have to go slow.
Heres some things I found out along the way that were helpful

• keep cough drops in your pocket. Coughing aint fun and my throat was irritated from being intubated for about 4 days after surgery. Also keep the paper so you can spit em out when they’ve done the job if you want. I started getting a tummy ache from having too many.

-keep lil pillows by your toilet. The hospital gave me one that was plasticy and easy to wipe off (like an outdoor pillow insert). Or even a balled up towel would work. I couldn’t wear a binder because of all my incisions but this helped take the pressure off my stomach/incisions when i needed to have a bowel movement.
-if you stack pillows on either side of you, they can act as “arms” that are handy to push down on when you get up.
-sip your water and take your stool softeners as soon as they say you can! It took me until day 4 to poop but it was no problem when it happened.
-lots of deep slow breaths to calm your nerves and pain.

• those squeezable applesauce packs. Great for when you take your pain pills.

Heres some challenges I encountered that surprised me.
-my throat was so sore! For the first 4 days my throat was irritating, it felt like I had a flap of skin sticking down. The first day it hurt but the rest was just so annoying.

• breathing was a challenge. The first few days i was in bed, it was hard to breathe. I couldn’t take a Deep belly breath because of my incisions. I tried to regularly take a big breath filling my lungs though. Once i started being able to get up and walk around it became less of a problem. I think they have a tool for this at the hospital too but i was not offered it and forgot to ask.

-always laying on my back is getting old. I haven’t quite figured it out yet but im getting there.
-not really a challenge but my lower belly is numb. Apparently that can just happen (even long term). Which has actually been helpful since I can’t feel my lower abdominal incision at all
Lastly!! The pain/symptom scale: Day 0: honestly don’t remember much except feeling i need to pee and my throat being sore. Day 1: was still in the hospital. Pain like cramps and burning pain near certain incisions. I was able to walk the hall but very tired after. Sore throat. Day 2: burning pain near bellybutton incisions. Heavy lung feeling. Left the hospital. Day 3: heavy lung feeling. Pinching pain in incisions whenever I stood or sat. Had some moderate discharge that was yellowish with red and brown. Otherwise no pain Day 4: more like a sharp ache when i stood/sat. Discharge again but a very light amount. Day 5: felt strides..any pain was mild cramping. Tried to shower myself and make myself breakfast which led me to be very tired for the rest of the day. Day 6: most tired yet. Pain the same Day 7: felt like turning a page. Pain very little and energy very good.

Since beginning Zepbound I have been plagued with recurring and persistent, horribly painful and large mouth ulcers/canker sores. NOT cold sores, i.e. not infectious, but the kind you sometimes get from eating too much salt or something. I haven't really had them in years and when I would occasionally get one, they were mild and resolved in a few days. These are excruciating, HUGE, and take about 2 weeks to fully resolve. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting here, maybe just some comisery that I'm not the only one experiencing this! My doctor is pretty clueless when it comes to the GLP-1 side effects, so that was a totally useless inquiry.

Hello! Last night I was eating a tuna sandwich and began experiencing mild throbbing pain and swelling on either side of the roof of my mouth just behind the molars which subsided shortly after I finished eating. It felt like the pain one might experience after burning the roof of your mouth on pizza or something but I had not burned myself at all. Today I've eaten an apple and some ramen and experienced the same issue both times. After looking in my mouth a few minutes ago, I can see what appear to be red pinpricks in the affected area almost like small blackheads and the tissue right around that looks a little pale (link to photos below). Does anyone know what this could be/are those normal?
Side question unrelated to this issue and out of curiosity: What are those two dimples slightly farther back on the palate (flanking the center line and just to the right of the pinpricks in photos 2 and 3)?
Additional info: 26M, affected by oral herpes, no current health issues or dental concerns, not a smoker, drink socially on weekends, no drug use.
Photos: https://imgur.com/a/i0McBie

tl;dr : after a lot of pain my gf put me through, i feel like she has finally decided to make some changes. but i am very depressed, and am not sure i even love her anymore. i wish that i could and that this could work. do you have examples of similar situations that ended up working ? i know the obvious answer is "stop that shit", but i really would want this to work.
I am going through a reaallyyyy hard time, and I don't know what to do. I met my gf (let's call her that for now) in october 2020, we really quickly fell in love (classic lesbian situation) and got officially together in a month or two. We were so in love that we were talking big ; i want to marry you later, i want to live with you, i want to have a kid with you.. We were living near each other at the beginning of the relationship.
There was some issue in this relationship, mostly concerning an ex (F35) (15 year relation, from 16 to 29) being still very present in her life, to the point she was sometimes prioritizing her instead of me. Some stuff would drive me crazy, like her not being able to delete some insta posts concerning her ; it was suffocating tbh. Even in her house there would be drawings or pictures of her still lingering, her name is still to this day on the boxletter. She would not spend that much time with her, but anyway they were too close for my own taste. I was not afraid of her cheating on me or whatever, I was just not ok with that. I was not finding where I could fit in all this.
Then, in september 2022, I moved out for my studies, 500km from where we used to live. The summer before me moving out, she had some professional trips, and she never accepted for me to go with her. I learnt later (by stalking her ex... lol) that they actually went hiking together during one of these pro trips ? For information, this ex has a boyfriend, and I really have no doubt about my gf not cheating on me, it is about her not making room for me in her life. This event really got to me, but anyway. Then, she learnt that her ex was pregnant with her bf, and they had a weird fight, they ended up not talking anymore for a few weeks. Her ex had a miscarriage, so her bf called her. Maybe I should add that my gf and her ex don't have a lot of friends, so they don't have a lot of ppl except each other and 2-3 other persons. Anyway, they made up. But my gf had entered a depressive phase, which happens a lot because she has ADHD, and during this whole shenaningan, she was clearly dropping me off, showing less and less concern and attention. It was awful, and she ended up breaking up with me because she couldn't take care of this relationship anymore. She even said during the breakup that she was more afraid of losing her than me. Outch.
Life went on for a few months, and then we saw each other again because I went back for a weekend to where I used to live. Well, we took a coffee and we ended up kissing in the bathroom. We missed each other a lot, and I was still loving her. For a few weeks, we were seeing each other from time to time, going to restaurants, hotels, bars ; very romantic stuffs. I was having a toxic flirt situation with a teacher (45???) from my school at the same time, and I decided to tell her because I didn't want to lie or anything. She was very disappointed and angry, and I was upset because we were not back together at all. She broke up with me, and she was angry because I had been flirting with someone - and that was clearly more of a manipulative relation than anything else with this dude.
Anyway, she told me that she wanted to be with me, she wanted to be serious this time and not fuck up like she did before. She wanted to do better, and was ready. She promised me some stuff and I believed her. Then summer happened, I was back in the town I used to live in for 4 months, and we were back together being very in love. The thing I want to say is that we have undeniable chemistry, we understand each other on a special level, there something very natural and smooth with her. I wouldn't be stuck in this situation otherwise lol.
I went back to my school town, and she went back to being neglectful. On New Year's Eve, I couldn't stay where I was sleeping, and she invited me at her house. She would go to work (yeah she works on events like this), I would stay at her flat and she would come back after work. But just before I arrived, she asked me to join her to her parents' instead. Her parents' house is really close to her's, and they were not there. She told me that I couldn't stay at her flat because her ex and a friend of theirs were staying there because they had nowhere else to go ? And I had to stay at her parents' until she finished her shift. She had to leave for work so I had the worst night of my life, all alone lmao. We talked that night after her shift (she went back to her parents' and we went to her flat to sleep because the two others had left). She was very sad, telling me she wanted me to be more present in her life but that she wasn't succeeding in doing so.
This event really changed something in me, tbh. From there, I was only thinking about breaking up with her, when I was with her in the town I used to live in, I was never in a good mood. I was putting a lot of pressure on her, because I felt like she had to prove something to me, and so the atmosphere was just shitty. She was not doing a lot of effort for coming to my school town, she came like 4 times in two years. We were always bickering, and I was always trying to talk to her about how I was really feeling sad and depressed and that I was considering the break-up. She would be listening, agreeing, but not changing anything. She was getting annoyed that I wasn't able to talk with her without always saying that we needed to talk and to sort this out because I couldn't go on without resolving these issues. Our convs were really weird and artificial, because I only had these problems in mind.
Then, my dad got married and I went with her. I slept at her flat (which was also a really difficult thing to obtain from her) and it was a bit weird at first. It was nice being together at the wedding, because when we're surrounded by other people, we really stick together, we are a strong solid couple you know. It made me feel like maybe this could be saved. Then, I went back to her house two days after, and I told her we needed to have the talk. She basically told me that she felt really far away from me, from my life, that she didn't understand me anymore. Well, for me that was it ; we had to break up. We went to sleep, we took our breakfast, and she was very loving and nice. It was weird, and I decided this couldn't go on, like her only being nice and stuff when I just told her I was about to break up. Anyway, I left, and broke with her with a text (boooooh). I was of course heartbroken, and I went back to my school town, and told her I wanted no contact with her. Then she sent me a long message, like a week or two after, telling me she wished we could talk, and I think I said no. Then I sent her a message one morning, because I was feeling very sad this was going like that ; becoming two strangers when we had been so so close and so in love. She offered to visit me so that we could talk, and I said yes. I offered her to stay over even... So we talked, about the situation, she told me she didn't want this to end, despite everything, that she had been deep in the depression, and that the fact that we were not able to discuss this "flirting with the teacher" thing had been very complicated for her. Because yes, I was always being like "please stop talking about that i don't want to", and she had some unresolved issues about it, according to her, leading her to not being involved in the relation anymore. I ended up finally opening up about this, I cried a lot, and she understood better what I went through. For her, this was a switch apparently. Because we are both dumb, we made out, slept together, and she told me multiple times that she really loved me. I told her that I was not sure I wanted to get back with her.
After this night, we started talking 24/7 like we used to, but I was not ok with that. I told her once again "no contact, I broke up with you, and I need to heal from this". Because I felt like she made the decision on her own that we were kinda back together. The thing is, I have a depression, very probably caused by all this pain, and my emotions fluctuate a lot, from numb to awfully desperate.
After a week, I sent her a text telling her I missed her. It was yesterday morning. From there, we talked a bit, she told me she really really was serious about taking her life back, and doing the right stuff for us to work. But I don't know how I could feel for her what I used to, I would love us to be the lovers we used to be, from this machine to start back. I have no idea what would be possible, what would be good for me. I spent the last days in bed until 4pm, and when I started talking again with her, I was finally able to do something else. At the same time, I'm feeling really anxious, because I don't want to say yes if I don't want to, or shut her off once again, but regretting it. I will spend the summer, like last year, in the town we used to live in, and maybe this time together will help us heal and build again what we had, except with better expectations ? What I know for sure, is that if she do one thing that hurt me again, I will just leave without giving her any fourth or fifth chance. I am lost, and I wish there was someone who could tell me that they went through something similar and it ended up working very nicely. I know that everyone has been telling me "just break up and move on", but she is really special to me. I wish I could see better through this depression fog to know which of my fluctuant feelings to trust. What should I do, do you thing this could work out, in which conditions ? I still have one year away from our town before going back.

This will be wordy and complicated so you may only wish to read it if you’ve found yourself as inexplicably captivated by this entire mess as I am. This is my current working theory, and I don’t claim that it’s entirely accurate or factual It’s just my theory and I am open to corrections, additions, or counter arguments. (No, I am not overly proud of how I know some of these things. I reactivated Instagram and rejoined Reddit after years of abstaining from social media just to further this little investigation/obsession. Hyperfixation is a real bitch sometimes.)
Taylor’s team would’ve been aware of her impending breakup with Joe and relationship with Matty Healy long before those things were public knowledge. With the Eras tour set to start up in March of 2023, her team would’ve been actively, aggressively plotting to address any potential negativity or fallout from the situation, especially with so much riding on this tour. Preemptive damage control would’ve been in absolute overdrive because of the timing of it all. Speaking of timing, the early months of 2023 were a big moment for Travis Kelce. The Kelce brothers were about to face off in the Super Bowl and the media was saturated with them. All the Kelces have mentioned the attention and opportunities they were receiving during that time, including Donna. Scott Swift is a huge football fan, especially of the Eagles, and he was already at least acquainted with or had a casual friendship with Andy Reid. It's very likely that Taylor "dating" Travis Kelce was Scott Swift’s idea. During my “research” on this entire situation, I’ve come across multiple remarks about Taylor’s team traveling to/having meetings in KC in March of 2023. I am guessing that Taylor was so in love with Matty that she put her foot down with her team (including Scott) and wouldn’t participate in their plans regarding Travis at that time. Instead, she likely insisted on the April 8^th announcement of the breakup with Joe and doubled down on her relationship with Matty, mouthing loving messages to him and making her speech on stage about how happy she was and how her life finally made sense, being seen with him repeatedly and allowing him to be seen carrying bags into her apartment, etc.
I don’t know if Taylor or her team anticipated exactly how bad the publicity surrounding Matty would be or how intensely negative the response would be from a very vocal portion of her fanbase. I feel like most of us know about the narratives that ramped up against Matty, the SpeakUpNow letter, Swifties threatening to sell their concert tickets, Matty and his people receiving death threats, just all the BAD MESS, so I won’t make this even longer by going too deep into it. I have no doubt Taylor and Matty were experiencing a ton of pressure and emotional whiplash during all of that, which ultimately led to a painful and traumatic breakup for them. And that brings us right back to the suspended Travis Kelce plan. Taylor had shows in KC on July 7^th and 8^th of 2023. A couple weeks after that we get the cute little story from Travis on his podcast about trying to give Taylor a friendship bracelet with his number on it at her show (I have never and will never believe that bs for a single moment, no matter what). According to them, they start hanging out shortly after that, which is likely true. Ryan Reynolds apparently started following Travis on Instagram in early August so that timing checks out. (I could go off into a whole thing about Travis Kelce and Patrick Mahomes joining Ryan in the F1 Alpine deal, but this is already just SO MUCH). Next thing you know, we get Taylor appearing at a Chiefs game on September 24^th and it’s on from there. According to some Chiefs players, Taylor had already attended a game or two unnoticed and unmentioned (supposedly in the owners’ suite) prior to that September 24^th game. That’s interesting to note because of all it implies, such as how much the Chiefs/Hunts may have had to do with this whole deal between Taylor and Travis or just how it was clearly a choice with big motivations behind it for her to be seen at that 9/24 game.
Everything then goes AS PLANNED AND ORCHESTRATED for a few months. The public is captivated by the Taylor and Travis showmance and not even thinking much about Joe Alwyn or Matty Healy or any of the negative publicity surrounding Taylor anymore, the Chiefs and the entire NFL are profiting enormously, the popularity of the New Heights podcast is skyrocketing and catching the attention of major networks, every member of the Kelce family and Travis’ inner circle sees their public profile rising and more and more opportunities coming their way, the Eras tour is a history making success and so is the movie, the Chiefs pull off another Super Bowl win…it’s just a glorious, fantastic time when the whole plan is coming together and everyone remotely involved or connected to Taylor and Travis is benefiting and profiting beyond their wildest dreams. During all of this, Taylor is obviously working on TTPD, and everything connected to it, but I guess no one on Taylor’s team is too concerned about that because it keeps her motivated and pacified and it’s only going to make them all even more money so everything is just great, great, great. BUT THEN Taylor shows up at the Grammys drunk, making an ass of herself and announces the release. Now everyone is maybe back to thinking and talking about Taylor and Joe a bit, but it’s still ok because at least they aren’t talking about Matty and the Taylor and Travis show is still getting tons of attention, Travis is getting acting opportunities, all the Kelces are still benefiting in various ways; it’s all still good.
Then TTPD is released, and everything starts to take a turn. People are still talking, but now it’s mostly about Taylor and Matty or about Taylor and Travis, but only about what a great boyfriend Travis is to Taylor and what a perfect couple they are and their hypothetical impending nuptials and future potential offspring, etc. It probably doesn’t help that it’s off-season and there are no Chiefs games where Travis can shine with his football skills to try to bring some of the spotlight back to anything other than him maybe being the future Mr. Taylor Swift. Despite what many Swifties theorize about Travis, I do not for one moment think that’s his aim in life. This man wants FAME. His own mother repeatedly states how much he loves being the center of attention. And sure, he gets a lot of attention right now, but I have a feeling this is not panning out to be what he was hoping for when he signed up for all of this. His podcast is doing great, but its enormous surge in popularity is largely due to Swifties tuning in, hoping to hear a mention of Taylor (yes, I know it was already a very popular podcast – we wouldn’t be here if Travis Kelce had been an unsuccessful nobody, obviously). Everywhere he goes, everything he does, it’s all about Taylor now. Even at KELCE Jam, he was inundated with questions about Taylor. That might not be an issue except this is a man who already had a very big ego and desire to be hyper famous before Taylor Swift entered the picture. It may have seemed like a golden opportunity initially, but I think reality may be setting in for Travis and Co. and this may not have been the best deal for them in the long run. But the Chiefs and the NFL are deep into it now as well and l bet Travis has pressures on him that I would not even want to imagine coming from that side.
Meanwhile we have Taylor out here messing up the plans again, sending secret messages and singing surprise songs to Matty Healy during her sold-out concert tour where she’s added an entire set to imitate Matty and heighten the speculation and discussion surrounding their big “cosmic, tortured romance.” I feel sure she’s still in love with Matty and is absolutely in contact with him. Logically, their friendships and professional circles are far too intertwined for me to believe they would not be in any form of contact throughout all of this. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they were already back together. I think it’s highly possible they’ve even been back together since shortly after their breakup last summer and that likely helped fuel the big push to launch the “relationship” between her and Travis the world. That’s another post for another time though and I still haven’t fully drawn my conclusions about that. Very long story short, I think they are all in a great big mess right now and things are taking a toll, and cracks are showing. I think this may all come crashing down around a lot of people very soon, but I’m betting Taylor Swift comes out on top no matter what somehow. Some people are just lucky like that.

Alright, so… I (18F) kinda made this reddit account just to get some feedback about this situation, since I’m too ashamed to ask my parents. The girl in question is 16, and is probably one of the most annoying people I’ve ever met…
(TLDR: This girl I was pretending to be friends with in High School obsessively fantasized about murdering someone for an entire semester, is overbearing as a person, interrogates people on a daily basis and is nosy, injects herself into drama that isn’t her own, throws temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, constantly touches people and makes unwarranted comments about girl’s bodies, asked me to draw CP for her, and MADE FUN OF HER SUICIDAL BROTHER. And I wrote a hate-letter telling her that all of this stuff is a problem, but now I feel bad about it because I think she might actually have mental issues. It’s a really wild ride and a long story, so if you choose to read it, you should expect to be here for a while. And it’s High School drama, so I’ll try to discard the boring details.)
There’s this girl, who… I’ll call her Storm. You’ll find out why. Storm quickly became the most annoying person in one of my classes. Any time she talked, she didn’t have anything interesting to say, but just kept going on and on and on endlessly. It was annoying, but we just kinda played along to be nice.

Well… Around a month into school, Storme started opening up and became comfortable talking about personal topics. She told us this story about how one of her other friends (I’ll call her Katie) “betrayed” her the previous year, and then went on to talk about how much she hated Katie and didn’t care if she lived or died. (Honestly, Katie’s offense was miniscule. At most, she replaced Storm with someone else as her best friend. You know… Regular High School drama that wasn’t that deep.) 

Then Storme started saying ludicrous stuff like “I hope she falls into a volcano”, or “I hope she gets eaten by sharks falling from the sky. Like Sharknado.”. But like… She kept saying it constantly, out loud in class. She ranted about how she wanted Katie to get kidnapped by the Mafia, be flown up to the moon, and be dropped into a black hole to become “Katie-spaghetti”. It was honestly really funny at first, so me and a few other people in the class joined in a little bit and added our own stupid, childlike scenarios. (Katie has a reputation for being… A slut. That’s why it was funny at first.)
But then after this schtick got old, Storm just kept going and going and going… She ranted about Katie until it physically hurt to hear her talk anymore. Instead of adjusting herself like a normal person, she just kept yapping until everyone rolled their eyes every time she opened her mouth, because we knew she would just keep going on and on about all of the stupid ways she wanted Katie to die. Even the damn teacher told her to stop doing that, but she never listened and the teacher eventually just gave up.
Katie then gradually started to get more morbid with the things she was saying, to the point where I genuinely considered calling the cops and getting this girl some grippy socks. She talked until she became red-faced, started tweaking, and laughed in a neurotic, nervous angry way while she started wringing out her trembling hands. She genuinely looked and sounded unhinged, and what didn’t help was that she started saying stuff like “There aren’t metal detectors in this school, right?”, and “I wish I wasn’t such a good person, because if I wasn’t, I’d be acting on my impulse to cave her skull in the next time I see her. One of these days I’m going to snap and then just do it..” …Yeah, so I was genuinely considering getting the police involved in this because of those two sentences. Thankfully Katie is safe and sound to this day and Storm never acted on these “impulses”. I’m so glad it worked out that I didn’t have to call the cops, but I was seriously worried for a minute…
She continued to talk about Katie, but mostly to me. She talked about this topic endlessly, her words getting increasingly violent until Christmas break. Yeah… 5 months. She ranted about the ways she wanted Katie to die for 5 whole months. Months. But then when she was done ranting, she finally shut up.
She wrote a note to Katie after Christmas break explaining “You hurt me really badly, but I’m a Christian so I forgive you and I hope you the best”... As if she didn’t rant about her for 5 months straight. Make it make sense. But enough about that. Here’s where my fuck ups began.
I gave her my number and we started saying we were friends, even though I never liked her. I started sending her some art (I'm an artist), and she started asking me some questions about it. She asked if I had ever drawn p0rn in my life. Of course, I said no because I didn't.
And then my worst nightmare: “Have you ever drawn p0rn of them?” …Of course I didn’t, because that would be CP… Plus I’ve never thought of those characters as being “sexual”... They’re literally 14 and 15 years old.
Then basically, she made an indirect “suggestion” for me to draw them together. I said fuck no. Hell fucking no. She tried to convince me to draw them “aged up”, but again I refused. She put me off from drawing those characters ever again. I haven’t drawn them since and I don’t take my sketchbook to school anymore because I don’t want her to see my drawings and be reminded of that BS.
But enough about that… Storm is a church-going girl, and so she has a few church-going friends. (This also makes everything I’ve said before all the more ironic.).
I’ve heard many stories about how Storm interrogates other people, too. If she sees a guy/girl’s name pop up on the screen of someone she knows, she’ll pester them until they give her one of two answers: either “I’ll tell you later”, or the actual answer. She’s done that to me too, in front of everyone in class.
The thing that upsets me about this is that she claims to be “nosy”, but thinks it’s a positive attribute rather than an annoying one. She brags about being “nosy” sometimes.
And the sexual assault… Since we were in a sports medicine class, our projects involved a lot of hands-on things. That didn’t bother me by itself, but with Storm, it was a nightmare. This girl, in the process of strapping an ice bag to my thigh, called my thighs “small”, and said that I have a “beautiful body”. We also did shoulder stretching stuff the next week, and I happened to fall under her care while she stared into my eyes and made weird faces at me, all the while she made sound effects and made the process much more uncomfortable than it needed to be.
One week, we ended up as partners again and she ended up wrapping my shoulder. This shoulder-wrap wasn’t an issue for me, but having her as a partner made it an issue. As expected, she made sound effects, but this time she stated the obvious as if it was new information that nobody would have ever suspected: “Wow, this is squishing your boobies huh?”... Emphasis on the word “boobies”. Jesus Fucking Christ, it was already awkward as hell before she even brought that up, why would she say something like that?? I didn’t even realize that until she brought it up.

In fear of being subjected to her uncomfortable BS again and feeling violated, I texted her and told her that she’s been making me feel uncomfortable, and to please stop being so…. Weird. I get it’s an awkward thing to wrap up your classmate’s thigh, but that’s a moment to keep comments to yourself. Her response? “I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY-” Just… Stop it. I didn’t introduce the topic as a big deal and told her not to worry about it, but she kept apologizing for it nonstop. Just endlessly, like everything else. Even when I tried to change the subject to something else, she just kept apologizing for it practically until she went to bed. (She has a bedtime at 9:30… At 16 years old.) All of this stuff contributed to my overall hatred toward her. I don’t like her at all, and it’s a wonder I didn’t explode and insult her entire personality and deplorable behavior to her face (Meg Griffin style). Things are just so awkward and awful whenever she opens her mouth, and it just doesn't ever stop. But because of all of this, when it came time for my Senior prom, I decided to secretly invite one of my friends from that class as a plus one, and NOT Storm. I was worried that if I told her that to her face, I would all of a sudden be the new “Katie” in her conversations, because the infraction Katie did was so miniscule that it seemed to be less like a “betrayal” than what I did. (In hindsight, it was probably the other way around.) So… I just kept the whole thing to myself and so did the friend I took to prom (I’ll call her Beyonce. Because… She loves Beyonce.). If this wasn’t bad enough, strap in because not even three weeks ago, Beyonce was doing her usual schtick of making fun of random things. She once made fun of cool whip and the entire state of Texas at the same time and somehow made it make perfect sense. She should really have a comedy show, I swear. But this time, Beyonce was making fun of the name “Gage”, saying “Why would anyone name their kid after a 12-gage shotgun?” and “People named Gage seem untrustworthy. I wouldn’t want to be near one in a zombie apocalypse, because he’d just feed me to those fuckers.”. Funny stuff. Storm then said “My brother’s name is Gage”, and in order to preserve the flow of the conversation (and also to tick her off a little, I’m ngl), Beyonce asked her: “Is your brother untrustworthy?” And then without a single millisecond wasted, she said, in a Disney Channel comedy fashion: “Welll… We can’t trust him with his own life, sooo…”.. And then she laughed as if it was funny. Like.. Rib-stitches type of laughing. ….So then the others (understandably) went quiet, which left only me and her. Then my idiot ass decided to say what I was thinking at that moment: “You don’t seem to be taking it seriously. That’s your brother, but you don’t sound sympathetic at all.” I felt bad for that statement, so I apologized for it over text when I got home from school. Quickly, we erupted into an argument, (with me holding back), and she ended up saying “What does it matter to you? He’s not your brother. If Beyonce said that about her brother, you’d laugh. But when I do, it’s bad.”. Beyonce’s brother is 8 years old…. So no, that would be even worse. …So then I had to explain to her how human decency works, and how making fun of your s*icidal siblings isn’t funny whatsoever and how that joke could be considered to be in very poor taste, even for people who like dark humor. When me, Beyonce or Mark made “suicide” jokes, it was about OURSELVES and it was usually in a statement like “I don’t want to take a test next period, I’m gonna kms.”... …Storm ended up getting so mad that we weren’t having a conversation anymore; we were just throwing shit around. I told her that if she was being livestreamed at that moment, she’d be bashed on the whole internet for a week or so and be called “evil” for that joke. In hindsight I shouldn’t have said that, but my goal was to tell her how people perceive those jokes. I ended the conversation and the next day, I apologized to her again. I retracted my statements and told her that I was sorry for talking out of line. She accepted the apology, and things went back to “normal”. She forgot about it, but I didn’t. …So here are the reasons why I feel bad, before I delve into the contents of the “hate letter” I wrote to her. Here’s a list of my crimes: 

• I pretended to be her friend for an entire school year.
• I hid the fact that I was going to prom with Beyonce from her, and then lied to her face repeatedly whenever she asked if I went to prom or not.
• I got into business that wasn’t my own and criticized her.
• I wrote a hate-letter to her that I directed her to read at home on the last day of school.

…Here’s why I feel bad: Storm doesn’t seem to be emotionally intelligent and is unable to control her mouth whenever she feels strong emotions. All she wants is to be listened to and understood, but nobody can and nobody truly wants to. She feigns confidence and goes overboard with compliments in the hopes of catching the attention of people who want to be friends with her. She’s not used to change and is very naive, to the point where (just yesterday) she quit her job at a fast food restaurant after only the first day of working there. For the longest time she didn’t have access to the internet, so she doesn’t really have a means to connect with other people through sharing videos or memes or whatever.

…I feel like a bad person because I knowingly, intentionally played into all of this just for the pathetic reason of making her shut up in class. It’s despicable what I did, and I’m beating myself up for it every day. I was just originally going to leave the school, block her and never talk to her ever again in my life, but when she made that joke about her brother, I decided (stupidly) to take it upon myself to be the bearer of bad news. I gave her a letter. Within the “hate letter”, it isn’t actually hate, per se. It’s more like… A report on the behavior she needs to fix, as well as an admission to my lies over the course of this whole year. I told her the awful truth. I told her about everything I mentioned in this post and tried to keep it “professional”, though I did end up going as far as to say “you have all of the attributes of an obnoxious piece of stale bread”........... And what’s worse is… I told her to read it on the last day of school, and my reasoning is pathetic at best. I told her to read it on the last day of school because I didn’t want her to burden the class with her nonstop ranting about me, since she, Mark and Beyonce are sophomores and I’m the only senior in the “friend group”, which means that I left the school an entire week earlier than them. I’ve been intentionally delaying her pain and still talking to her over text acting like things are “normal” so that she doesn’t read it early, knowing damn well that on that last day of school, my words are going to hurt her so badly that she might not be able to recover for a while. In the letter, I told her that by the time she reads it, I would have already blocked her because I don’t want any more conversation with her due to me feeling so bad and having nothing more to say. If the plan goes right, she’ll read it on May 23rd, and on that day I will block her. I feel awful for all of this. I feel like a monster for this. It’s painful knowing that I’m going to cause her pain and that I planned when it’s going to happen, but at the same time I feel like she deserves it. But at the same time, I know damn well that it wasn’t my place to do that. I should have left everything alone. Nobody I can talk to irl would even hear me out; they’d just stop at the words “hate letter”, which means my only option is to seek advice from people on Reddit. Do my motives for doing things make sense? Am I actually a bad person for this? Am I the asshole? Does she deserve what she’s getting? 

Edit 1: I removed some asterisks (they're annoying). Edit 2: I attempted to shorten it or say things in simple terms. I also fixed spacing and stuff. Sorry.