Cupcake felt applique pattern

Hey everyone, just here for a question and maybe some advice.
I 27M matched with 30F back in Mid-End of April. We exchanged maybe a few texts a day as we both infrequently check the app. After about a week of this I asked for her number and we started texting.
We spent a day over text just sharing anything we felt comfortable sharing then set up our first date. First date went awesome, we met up for dinner and had an awesome conversation along with a lot of laughs. At the end we walked around town a bit and I walked her to her car and the night ended with a kiss. I offered a ride for this date but she wanted to drive instead.
We spoke a bit more and we communicate primarily in the AM to early PM. Nice Good Morning text, just a check in and that's about it.
We just had our second date this past Tuesday and it went even better. She even asked if I would be willing to give her a ride, to which I did. We had an awesome dinner, showed embarssing HS photos of ourselves. We then went hatchet throwing and were talking smack to each other the entire time and laughing. This date also ended in a kiss as well, and both of us expressing in the car that we're having a great time and enjoy it.
We've spoken about our goals and how we don't want to waste anytime because we're just getting "Older".
Oddly enough when I texted her about going on another date and if she wanted to see if there was something there between and keep spending time together. Absolute silence. Which is weird considering our communication patterns.
Is this a case of ghosting? I've been out of the dating world since my ex-fiancee left me in 2021 and jsut really started back up after getting my life in order (Job, Apartment, and Finances).
Feel free to let me know what you're all thinking!

For some context, I got married to my husband B, over 1 year ago and I cannot help but wonder if my husband loves me or not? So, back 2 years ago, I got married to B, over arranged marriage because in my culture it's a good option and culturally appropriate since my pervious boyfriend's were all jerks. So, during initial interactions, B was very calm and mature with me and seemed a genuinely nice guy. It also really added to his good looks and high income that I could not refuse the offer and also after a few interaction we decided to get married. But as soon, as we got married, he started interacting less and less with me, I mean he did not even spent the first night with me, and over 3 months our bedroom life was quite dry.
He was still a good partner to have, if I asked for some moeny he will give me no questions asked, he was not jealous or abusive, but it was just like living with a roommate, I did try to spice up things, but he would always reject me or turn me down, in fits, I would also curse him or try to argue with him but he just ignored me most of these times. In between all this, my job got the better of me and I got sick due to overworking. I could not care less about telling him as I thought it would just anger him so I just took a leave and spent the whole day in the bed, but to my surprise when B got home and saw me sick, he started to be really caring and asked me why did I not tell him earlier or how bad was it etc. During the 4 days which my fever remained, he quitely took all over the house chores got me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and regularly took care of me, he even slept close to me while regularly using ice strips. It was during those days that I first saw him actually show me a warm smile and while serving me breakfast. Even before leaving for work, he would cook meals for me and left me special notes in case of emergency. At first I was skeptical as to how much can a person change so I did not respond much to him as he did to me usually.
After I got well, he reverted back to the old pattern. And this situation happened two more times, around the third time I asked him why he is he being so nice to me all this time and not to me usually when I am more healthy, I mentioned that at the start of our marriage I literally begged for some of his attention and now he is literally taking days off of work to acre for me? After patiently listening to all this, he got really flustered and embarrased and just left my room. I felt bad for saying all this to him and the next day when he brought me breakfast as usual, I apologized to him and he said it's okay and water under the bridge. But what happened yesterday really shook me, see until yesterday I thought he did not really love and was forced in this marriage by his parents which is what usually happens in arranged marriages.
But yesterday, when I was trying to sleep, he opened my door and brought a glass of warm water and kept it beside and after a few seconds, he literally whispered "I love you.", and I felt a soft kiss on my forehead. He left while giggling and I was so excited and confused, I just could not sleep all night. I am writing this today all sleep deprived and confused, what to do now? Is he just manipulating me, gaslighting me or does he actually care?

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
That will be a long and chaotic post, I'll try to organise it somehow but it's all complex.
My partner (39M) and I (female, turning 30 this Friday) have been together for 2.5 year and always been good communicators, but in the last few months things have been getting haywire and completely out of control, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
We both come from a cPTSD background (sexual and physical abuse, being raised by narcissistic mothers, homelessness), mine is sadly worse due to extra abuse suffered from partners and some workplaces, also doing some occasional sex work for food when homeless. Basically, thanks to capitalism (yay), I have never felt safe in my life, even after moving 3000km away from my abusive family - basically every morning I wake up wondering if I still have a job and whether I won't get evicted.
I went through some cPTSD therapy (EMDR as well) before meeting him and I thought I fixed myself, but the relationship unleashed new hell on me. I fully acknowledge I started the problems, as I've severely violated his boundaries several times and didn't see the pattern until we've had several horrendous arguments. Part of this was because my partner has been raised to always bottle things up and people please, so I never really know if he means something is not a problem or he just doesn't want to say it and it will blow out weeks or months later.
Anyway, we worked through the worst problems, when he got more knowledge about the extent of my trauma and some very toxic things I was made to believe where normal, he acknowledges that I don't perpetuate some patterns consciously. I signed up to therapy (despite it being a huge financial burden), I do all I can to control myself, be very nice to him, spend quality time together etc.
HOWEVER. I work in an extremely toxic environment where the goalposts are moving every single day, there's a fuckton of manipulation, what boss says is not what he means, workers are pitted against each other etc. The workplace is actively re-traumatising me daily, but I need to keep this job for several reasons. My partner knows it. And yet, he blames me for having meltdowns, and it always follows the same pattern. Just to give you an example, from today:

• I've been verbally abused for 6h straight by 15 people at work, so when my partner told me in a rather disappointed tone "Well, you HAVE TO keep on attending therapy", I felt like he's attacking me for not doing enough.
• I got triggered but recognised I'm spiralling out into a full-blown panic attack, so I went downstairs and told him "Look, I know you wanted to encourage me that therapy is the right thing, but the way you worded it triggered me, because it felt like (description here of how my mother would use semantics to trick me into fake feeling of safety and then abuse me". I've been getting extremely triggered (and still having another few hours of getting berated at work) so I started actually screaming my explanation at him without realising it, BUT without any blaming, names etc.
• He got all triggered and said I berate him and accuse him of being like my narcissistic mother, that all is always his fault etc. and then went into his trauma response. His trauma response is completely shutting down and getting mad, and any attempts of explaining the situation are "excuses, lies, attacks" etc.
• Seeing where it's going and not wanting another week-long argument right before a lovely b-day weekend we had planned, I tried to get through to him, reassure him that nobody is blaming him, that I specifically said I'm triggered to let him know I have a trauma reaction, that I try to provide data so that he understands why I got so triggered by a sentence he meant as reassurance. I apologised for screaming, explained I didn't realise I was yelling, tried to get through to him. But he just started bringing back up all the problems we've already worked through, said I always CHOOSE to abuse him, that I always punish him for being too good to me, that clearly the therapy is not working because I can't control myself (I've just started, after 30 years of difficult life with no help!), that nothing ever is my fault, that trauma is not an excuse. I tried to point out to him that he's having a trauma response as well and that why I always try to use safe words, non-accusation wording, provide him with more data etc. I pointed out to him that I like to know about his triggers to avoid setting them off, and that's why I try to explain my triggers to him too, even though the yelling was clearly wrong. And he just took it as more personal attack and started yelling how I choose to attack him whenever things go right, how I'm a liar, manipulator, abuser, I chose to have a meltdown, he doesn't need therapy because it's just me ruining everything etc. and stormed out, swearing, saying how I'm ruining his life. He also got mad at my therapist because they "provide me with more excuses" because they said I'm in fact being so re-traumatised at work I have stress levels as if I was at war.

I don't know how to get to him. I try my very best to address 30 years of severe abuse, but right now the dynamic is shifting towards "Every single thing in our relationship is your fault, I don't have any trauma responses" and I really don't like that dynamic. But when I try to bring that up, he gets even madder. He also doesn't cool down when left alone, just spirals out more and more.
He's ADHD (diagnosed), I'm autistic + cPTSD + chronic pain (also diagnosed).
Again, apologies for this massive rant, I just feel so confused and alone. It's like he's becoming a completely different person than the one I've loved, and I feel like I'm no longer allowed to have any negative emotions / reactions because suddenly it's all "abuse".

I (23F) have been single for over a year. Dating but nothing really goes anywhere. I feel like I’ve only liked two people in my life. One is my first love and ex fiancé, he was so avoidant. He could never make his mind up about how he felt about me. One week he would be “in love” with me and the next he would tell me he doesn’t feel anything for me at all. It was super jarring and it eventually ended the relationship. Since that was my first real relationship and it began when I was 19, this past year has been my first single adult year. The second is the guy I’ve been “dating”for a few months, I am completely obsessed with him and he really wants nothing to do with me beyond sex. When I’m with him, I feel almost euphoric. The highs of both of these “relationships” were/are SO good, and the lows, well the lows are pretty damn low. I have noticed when men are sweet and doting right away I don’t catch feelings, there’s no spark and communication eventually dies out. However, when a man is distant or “hard to get”, even a little mean. I can’t get enough of him. I personally feel like maybe I am just addicted to the dopamine of getting attention from someone who is a challenge. Or maybe I am avoidant and by pursuing avoidant men I can avoid my own feelings. Maybe it’s daddy issues. What the fuck is wrong with me? I recognize the pattern and I want to end it but I am unsure how to. How can I date a “nice” guy if I’m not into him? That feels like I’m leading him on. But the only guys I’m into don’t like me back enough to pursue a relationship. So do I just die alone? How do I end the cycle?

No spoilers please!
I started listening to C3 when it first started, then stopped, and have been starting over from the beginning over the last couple days. I've listened to all of C1, C2, and Trinyvale, and love the podcast in general.
I have realized upon starting to listen to C3 again that the reason I stopped wasn't just because I was busy, it was because I was frustrated and unsatisfied with the storytelling compared to C1 and C2. I'm on episode 6 right now and I've found that, compared to the previous campaigns, the stakes just seem a lot lower and the rules seem a lot looser. There have been multiple times where is seems like Murph has just let PCs get away with stuff -- setting a super low DC, and everyone passing it extremely easily; giving direct hints/advice about what to do; and letting "Looney Tunes" type of stuff happen without any real blowback. To me, this has just felt so unsatisfying, like rather than the group crafting the story together there is a very clear plot line that everyone is just following, with no way to really fail or subvert the adventure.
Minor spoiler for episode 1:For example, in episode 1 the crew decides to take a big detour on their way to respond to the summons for a work assignment. They are all joking around, but it is canonically established that they took at least an hour to arrive somewhere that should have taken a minute or two. When they get there, the events are still exactly as they would have been if they'd gone directly there -- the conflict in progress is still stalled, and there is absolutely no negative or unforeseen consequence. This seems to run so contrary to what Murph has previous expressed as a principle of his world-building: that you set up places and people with their own objectives, rather than planning exactly what the PCs will do. I know this is pretty minor, but I think it speaks to the pattern that's been bothering me.
I'm kind of bummed because I do love the podcast, and there are elements of C3 that I really dig (the characters themselves are great, the setting is fun, and I am intrigued by the plot hook), but just the style of storytelling is falling flat for me.
To emphasize: this post is not meant as hate! As I've said, I love the podcast, I've been to a live show, I really want to enjoy it but I am having a hard time getting in to this campaign.
I am wondering if anyone else had this critique when the season started, and if it's gotten any better? If it improves, I definitely want to keep listening, so I am also wondering if there's a point where this seems to shift.

So, I had a conversation with my mother today, and two of my cousins came up. Both are now divorced (one due to cheating, one just because it didn't work), and my mother commented about how both of them were in their early 30s and thought it was time to get married so just did, even though they didn't really love the other person.
Now I'm spiraling into that thought pattern - I got married at the same age. Granted, I proposed to my now wife after 9 months because I felt positive at the time that I wanted to marry her, but then I had a lot of doubts throughout the engagement, and during the year since we got married those doubts are still there.
Not sure what I"m looking for in posting this, but just needed to get it off my chest.

I have a lot going on in my mind, but i dont know what to say, or dont have the energy.
My anxiety and depression started to severly affect my life 10 years ago for the first time, when i was 19. I am 29 now, had a great job that I just quit with the excuse of physical health issues (spinal cord/nerve issue makinh it harder for me to sit), but i think what i am suffering with is my mind. Been diagnosed with ADHD 5 months ago. So I've been voluntarily jobless for 2 months now.
I wanted to take a break for myself and get better. I wanted to travel and learn new things. But, just a month before my last day at work, I texted my ex to check how he is doing. He has tried to contact me over the past 4 years, but since all his communication seemed accusatory, I thought i was protecting myself by avoiding him. This was my only relationship, we were together (long distance) for 4 years. He was inconsistent and dishonest from the get go. He would lie to me about going out with his female friends, would talk to them for hours and ignore me. He always called me crazy for misunderstanding friendship, but you dont hide it from your partner if there's nothing wrong in what you are doing. He was always harsh with me when i wanted to discuss that it hurts me. I used to text him in panic sometimes, because i didnt know who else to contact when i didnt understand what i was going through. I was feeling suicidal, consistent panic attacks, and a volatile relationship did not help. He was abusive on calls, and never respected me. He would force me to do things, and threaten to stop talking if I didnt do them. And whenever i tried to walk away, he would come back asking to patch up, but the same pattern continued.
As i was having a hard time keepinh myself alive due to my mental health issues, i couldnt take the disrespect anymore, and said i wanted to leave him. I think he thought i would never leave anyway, and provoked me to block him. So in a fit of panic, i blocked him. He owed me a lot of money, so that is the last rhing i asked him to return out of spite. Then he started sending texts that i am doing this to torture him, that i love him and that he didnt understand why i would do this. But i was so anxious all the time, i just couldnt deal with it anymore. The few times i did pick up the call, he would say things like "tell me your decision now or i will decide what i will do with my life" implyinh he would kill himself. I told him i can redirect him to resources that can help, but that i cant be in the relationship because i dont feel safe anymore. He was always very unstable and never ready to have a proper conversation. So everything he said seemed like emotional manipulation. But everytime i read the texts he sent, about how awful and hopeless he felt after i blocked, i feel like i monster. I cant help but feel guilty about the way i dealt with it.
I went to therapy later, also had a phase of self-care when i was lookinh forward to my future, and then fell back to hectic work. But have been feeling extremely anxious and hopeless since August last year - that is when i reached out for a diagnosis and got diagnosed with ADHD in January.
I dont know what made me want to contact him, but after an episode of panic attack in March, I just texted a 'how are you'. He responded well, and we had a normal chat about current worklife. Then 2 daya later, he called me and apologized for the way he treated me. He cried and opened up about his thought process behind everything, or what he rhought he was doing. This was the first time ever, that i felt like he opened up to me the way I craved. Then we talked for about 10 hours the two days, and he kept sending me good morning texts, and was worried about my physical health. He started giving me tips, and checking upon my exercise and schedule everyday. He called me everyday for the month, and even used to text me if he was going to be unavailable (he never did that when we were together). He asked me to meet multiple times, but i didnt agree to - until after 1.5 months have passed. By then, he had made many remarks about our relationship, reminiscing, when i didnt bring anything up. When we met, he held my hands multiple times, and even pulled me in for a hug (which i withdrew from) when he saw a note in my phone about my anxiety at night and also wondering about my love for him.
After I got home, i felt uneasy, and started the conversation to confirm where we are headed, and that i was starting to get attached to him again, so if this is just friendship, i cant do it anymore. He said he was just being a friend, and that triggered every bad memory i forgot about our relationship. Why would he be so kind, gentle and all things i craved for when we were together, call me everyday, hold my hands multiple times, and call it friendship? like i misunderstood? I sent a few frantic texts and he refuses to be honest and respond on why he behaved that way.
and maybe it's the free time without job, but i feel so depressed and powerless this time. i know its not the relationship that's making me suicidal. It's just my brain being frantic all the time, evern when there is nothing to stress about. i feel like i can go to the best beach in the world, and still feel anxious and breathless. I am seeking therapy again, but all thoughts i have are - i want to get things in order and actually kill myself. i fought the urge for 10 yeqrs, but i dont think i can anymore. i dont know what to do with my life.
and the funny thing is, i feel like i will feel better and want to live if he calls me everyday again. but i guess he doesnt care because i abandoned him years ago when he couldnt deal with the break up too, so i am the "cruel" one. he kept saying i only asked for the money back, which he still hasnt returned, but forgets about all the years i fought for him, for us. my parents are conservative, so it was even harder to hide this from them. why do i feel so powerless now, knowinh that he is actually capable of being better and somebody else is going to get that version? i know this is not rhe end of the world. but i feel like, due to my mental healrh issues, i am hyperfixating on this - hoping that getting some love will fix me. but no, it's always something wrong with me, i feel horrible for being rhis vulnerable and unstable. i kmow i can do better, i jave been there for everybody for years, but i just dont know what to do with myseld anymore. i wamt this pain to end.

Long post ahead so bear with me.
I’m 24F dating my 24M boyfriend for 4 years. Overall I’d say our relationship has been pretty good - no serious issues until now, all of our fights have been over his tendency to be moody or passive aggressive.
Some background information: I’m on the neurodivergent spectrum and suffer from depressive episodes, but I’m high functioning because I don’t want it to affect my professional life or anyone else but me. A side effect of that has been my tendency to isolate myself from everyone, which I’ve done for the majority of our relationship - sometimes I didn’t interact with anyone at all except for my family and my bf. I haven’t gone a single day in the last 6 years without any contact with him.
I realized that this wasn’t healthy so this year I decided to try and come out of my shell and build more friendships. It’s a bit hard but I’ve been working on it slowly, and one of my newfound friends was one of my bf’s friends, J (23M), as well - they had been friends for about a year at this point. We hit it off pretty well and as someone who’s really bad at friendships I enjoyed talking to J, but it was strictly platonic - nothing out of the ordinary, exactly like every friendship I have/have ever had. Please keep in mind I did not prioritize interactions I had with J or anyone else over ones I had with my bf.
While my bf initially really liked J, around the time we started becoming friends he started to sour on J until he eventually just started icing him because he didn’t like anything about him all of a sudden, and the only reason he could come up with was “J was annoying.” He also told me he found it “weird” that he chose to be friends with his friend’s gf (confused about that one because I met some of my closest friends through him/his circles). I reassure him that there’s nothing weird going on and my friendship with J is, once again, platonic. In all honesty, I also didn’t really think much of it because I didn’t find J to be annoying and my bf has had a pattern of disliking some of my friends for no apparent reason, even if he’d never talked to them. (My friends are all just goofy nerds so I never really got why.)
3 weeks ago my bf tells me he thinks J is trying to sleep with me but he has no evidence or thoughts to support this. I’m obviously shocked and once again reassure him that I’ve never picked up sleazy vibes from J and he’s never been inappropriate with me. I’ve had really creepy encounters before so I’m always hyperalert about these kinds of things and if I do get those vibes I shut them down immediately.
Onto the main clown show: last week my bf texts me angry that I’ve been lying to him and that I’ve been repeatedly gaslighting him into thinking my friendship with J was normal, but after a conversation with one of his other friends he’s convinced that he’s right and it’s inappropriate for J to be friends with me. Then he goes ahead and texts J to stop texting me and accuses him, amongst other things, of being a creep. To the surprise of absolutely no one, turns out this scenario that my bf created of J secretly trying to steal me away from him was completely false and J is both hurt and pissed about it. He tells him that he’s only ever thought of him as a good friend and he never had ill intentions towards me but he cannot in good conscience be ok with this and subsequently cuts both of us off.
For obvious reasons, I’m extremely pissed about this and we have a blowout fight over it, because turns out I don’t like anyone messing with my friendships like that and falsely accusing someone who’s done nothing wrong to you of being a creep is a shitty thing to do. He genuinely didn’t see anything wrong about what he did and “he did what he had to because he was desperate to get J out of my life and I left him no other choice.” He also told me that if he woke up to find out I did something to cause his friends to cut him off, he’d assume I had a good reason to do so and everything that happened with J was for the best. He screamed at me, accused me of being disrespectful and thinking of him as an insecure loser, called me a whole slew of hurtful things, that I’m disgusting and make him feel worthless and that he fucking hates me repeatedly. It overall just turned into a really ugly mess.
The next morning he was calmer and apologized for the hurtful things he said and that he didn’t mean any of it. He also admitted what he did was wrong, that he overreacted out of paranoia, and that he’s sorry he hurt J and ruined my friendship with him. He admitted that I was right, there wasn’t anything weird going on like he thought and he apologized for messing with my personal life.
The issue is I’m having a hard time processing all of this. First of all this couldn’t have happened at a worse time because I have a lot of personal issues going on that I’m incredibly stressed out about and he’s well aware of that. He’s also aware that I’ve always struggled with making friends, and now any urge I’ve had to do that is gone. I can’t get over him saying I make him feel worthless because I’ve dedicated so much and sacrificed so much to be with him and make him happy every way I could. I’ve never and still don’t prioritize anyone else over him. Having your boyfriend of nearly 5 years tell you he doesn’t trust you and despises you is also pretty fucking shitty because I’ve never done anything distrustful or been anywhere near as hurtful as he has been to me. His apologies sound hollow and lukewarm to me because at the end of the day, he got exactly what he wanted. And I’m left to suck it up and deal with it.
I don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m alone backed into a corner and I’m about to break with all the other things going on in my life. I’m sorry if this post isn’t very coherent but I’m a little tipsy right now. I just feel so violated and I’ve never felt more horrible or alone in my life than I do now and I’ve never not felt like that my entire life. I don’t know and can’t tell if I’m the one who messed up here and what I should do. Any advice, harsh or gentle is appreciated.
TLDR: bf incorrectly assumed mutual friend was trying to sleep with me and subsequently went nuclear on both me and friend. Am hurt and don’t know how or if I should resolve this.

Things I would tell you this week:
I am sorry I was not able to open up when we worked together like I can today, I see now how important this part is.
I figured out why my sleep paralysis demon is a door with light emitting from the edges, and it’s heart breaking. 💔, and I feel that sadness in my tummy and chest. I didn’t deserve that growing up. Currently though, I am very rarely having night mares.
I had the worse case of cold sweats a couple weeks ago when I restarted my attention med, it was horrible and I was so cold and so wet… and still trying to convince myself at first it was the humidity. After a few minutes I realized I am more sensitive to triggers because I had been off the med for so long. After a few days I was acclimated and doing fine.
Oh man…. This one is little more rough, those stubborn thought patterns. Recently I have been curious about my partners sexual interest because I saw a person he was following and they are a boudoir model. In his line of work this isn’t uncommon, they can be entertainers at events and clients, so I tried really hard to deal with it on my own and let it go. When we were first dating he was very elusive about what he used for aides when he was alone…. And my head took over and determined this was similar to past experiences so of course I needed pst behaviors? I had to face it last night.
So I asked ‘hey what do you like to look at’ body language and tone matter here, I was gentle and we had already covered the understanding that tools are used and ok. To which he was evasive again… took me right back to my past relationship. I was quick to tell him I could tell he was being dishonest and I had asked at the beginning of our relationship and he refused to answer and then say how it matters… it truly does matter in some cases because, for me, my ex partner was only attracted to blonde females… for 15 years everything he looked at and even the women who came in to my work asking if he treated me well were blonde, leaving me to never meet his standards.
Well when I got angry my partner got quiet and so I took that as my green light I was interpreting the situation right. I started the conversation… turned it into an argument… because I went directly back to thinking I was being lied to… I was the only one participating in this conversation/argument… and as I was talking I realized if he was capable of telling me he uses tools then I need to give him space to open up…. I let him know I just realized you were being honest and then asked again what his preference was. Took a minute but he shared and it actually made me feel better ❤️‍🩹. He likes a more natural body and that I can provide.
I did make note that he was being elusive but he is not my past partner and most people are not an open book like I am… so it was probably really intimidating to talk about.
For a second I felt extremely bad for falsely accusing him or over exaggerating my concerns… just for a second though because I gave him time to explain why he was quiet from upsetting him and acknowledged that’s ok, which means what I am worried about it ok too..
Interestingly… I had morning mental compulsions which I haven’t had for a long time now… and it was a phrase from a letter I read yesterday about ‘tossing salad’…. I fucking hate OCD… and the letter was like a train wreck, I really didn’t want to read it but I couldn’t stop reading it because the writer was so enthusiastic about this salad they wanted… and it adorable in a not so common adorable way! I was able to breath through most of it… and redirect my thinking to be mindful while working… but oh god did in interrupt my morning.
Oh and now I don’t have to feel bad for reading erotic stories! Win for me because I do enjoy them and they are the best with no guilt.
Thoughts I have been thinking: I wonder if Dairy Queen’s ice cream still has a lower melting point than Freddy’s. It’s been a few years now since I noticed and you know they pay people for that kind of research 🧐.
Still packing up all my intimate and strong attachment feelings and placing them on people who do not exist in my life but I will get there….
And it appears I working back to healthy levels of dissociation so I can do more… now that I am closing the gate to full emotional awareness, I realize this part of my disability is really handy. I am not necessarily closing the gate but I am allowing the emotional to pass quicker without being concerned if I am actually processing them.
I think I am ready to add exercise :)
I hope you guys have a great summer planned!!

Today I've felt fairly on edge about a stroke I went into reddit to see why my dizziness is short and uncomfortable. Then I seen something about a stroke. Now I'm a healthy 16 year old but I've seen it can happen to almost anyone at any age. So puts me on edge. The top of my head is numb out of the blue and I'm tired most likely to lack of sleep (Insomnia) I've seen abnormal sleeping patterns can cause one so it really scares me that something can happen without me really knowing I'm scared il die I'm scared il have to go through the horrible experience of having one although the hospital last month said my blood pressure, bloods are really good. So I'm now worried with the symptoms I've been gained with is a onset of a stroke:/

I have been having the same dream for the past 4 weeks of a guy I met 5 months ago. We had a family gathering and I met him for the first time through my brother. We connected and he asked me a lot of questions about my life, about school, my aspirations and dreams. A lot of memorable moments was him laughing so hard at my stupid jokes and him being surprised at how young I was (there’s about a 7 year age gap between us). He was very friendly and I was naturally drawn to him, platonically, because he seemed so cool and had his shit together. He even offered me his sweater at night when it got cold, but I declined. At the end of it all, it was just a hug goodbye, and I haven’t seen him since.
The dreams are weird; it always starts off where he’s always there and we strike up conversation. He then would make advances on me, complimenting me and hinting that he likes me. One dream even went far enough where he was kissing my neck to which I enjoyed in my dream but felt violated when I woke up.
Another dream was him holding my waist when we were walking, asking me if I liked him too. All of which are all things he definitely did not do when we met irl. I always wake up feeling like it was real, but also guilty because it’s wrong to my current relationship.
I have him on social media but we don’t communicate at all. He views my posts but nothing more. He knows about my long term relationship because I told him when I met him.
As for my sleeping patterns, they haven’t changed, I’m not taking anything new, I’m very happy in my current relationship, my lifestyle has pretty much been the same since… so it’s just odd how the dreams are recurring even when he hasn’t crossed my mind at all during my waking hours. I guess the only thing I can say is that I’ve been stressed with myself lately but that’s it. What could this mean??

The main events take place in the summer of 2023, but before that there’s some pretty crucial information you need to know.
Many moons ago, three or four years before I was forced to live with the burden of knowing my dear friend, some shit went down.
Sophomore year of high school, Heather and my now boyfriend Tony were besties with another girl, that I will call Jane (the sweetest person I’ve ever met, by the way). At some point, Jane and her boyfriend went on a break, and Heather decided, for some reason to this day unknown, to try and sext her best friend’s ex boyfriend. I say “try” because he never really indulged her, which made the whole situation all the more embarrassing. Heather, however, lacking self-awareness and critical thinking skills, decided to keep this up for over five months, after which Jane and her ex got back together, and he told her everything. Contrary to Heather, Jane decided to be a good friend and wait for Heather to come clean about her actions without revealing she already knew everything.
And so she waited. But Heather never said anything.
Keep this in mind, it’ll be important later.
Fast forward to February 2022, yours truly is introduced on the scene by becoming Heather’s roommate during our first year of college. Surprisingly we got along pretty well, we became really close friends in a very short time. She was also the extroverted one (also important) of the two and really helped me come out of my shell, so for a while I was really grateful to her. Anyway, throughout the three months we lived together she was constantly talking about her friends Tony and Jane from back home, but especially referring to Jane as her best friend, the only one that really knew her and that she really trusted.
Her friend Tony was also a very popular topic in conversations, and the reason she convinced me to visit her home country that summer, which resulted in us dating but I will spare you the details of that because it’s a different story (although a good one too).
The summer ends. She moves back to her country, I go back to mine, now pursuing two long distance relationships, the one with my boyfriend and the one with my only friend. So, in January 2023 plan a trip there with Tony but I decide not to tell Heather, and to let it be a surprise instead.
This is where the thing I told you to remember comes back for the first time, and I get front row seats for this years-long conflict finally unraveling.
Jane decided she had enough of waiting for her friend to become decent and slowly started growing apart from Heather, who had actually started the fight by accusing Jane of ignoring her.
When asked about the reasons for her behavior, some of Heather’s responses were, and I kid you not, “BRO I HAD A PLAN” and “IT’S LITERALLY NOT MY PROUDEST MOMENT”.
So. Yeah. Needless to say, they stopped being friends.
Now, for some reason, Heather decided to start this fight on the groupchat with my boyfriend, which meant I had access to everything, and after learning about everything I started to question my friend’s actions for the first time. Like, yes I knew she was a bit stubborn, and annoying, but who isn’t. Betraying someone you have talked about multiple times as your best friend and then lying about it for years, however?
But I decided to put my worries aside for the moment and just be more careful around her before I actually formed an opinion. I also had never met Jane before so at that point it probably wouldn’t have been my place to intervene.
During my trip, I get the idea to plan a surprise party for Tony in the summer and I share it with Heather who seems on board and ready to help.
That aside, the rest of my visit was pretty uneventful up until my last day there.
It being my last day, I wanted to spend it with all my friends, so me, Tony, and Heather met up at a mall to hang out. After a while, I noticed Heather looking pretty down so I asked her if she was alright. She told me she was feeling a bit worried because she got the impression that Tony was growing more distant from her. She revealed to me that this actually already happened before, during Tony’s last relationship, and she was scared it was going to happen again. “And I’m so sorry for involving you like this but do you think you could talk to him for me?”
Now, you have to know Tony and her were never the best of friends; he’s always been closer to Jane than he was with her, simply because they don’t have many things in common. Heather also had the habit of constantly bringing up his ex in my presence, by making weird comparisons with me about literally anything. “Oh, you’re dyeing your hair red? Tony’s ex also dyed her hair red for a while. Omg your eyeliner is so good, you know Tony’s ex actually—”
No. I do, in fact, not know and I would like to keep it that way.
So when she mentioned his ex, being the idiot that I am, I felt so bad because I somehow assumed it was my fault, that I distracted him from his friends with my psychic evil girlfriend powers and therefore it was my responsibility to fix it.
So in May, I start planning Tony’s birthday party and Heather decided that for some reason it was her job to invite people and plan activities and literally plan the whole fucking party actually. She kept making suggestions I knew he would hate and inviting people he outright said he couldn’t stand, until I had enough and was forced to put my foot down. I let her invite her boyfriend and a friend of hers and handled the rest myself. In the meantime, I contacted Jane. Because unlike Heather, I know my boyfriend well enough to understand who his friends are so I always knew Jane was going to make the list, which I anticipated to Heather back in February. Her response was something along the lines of, “It’s okay for me if it’s okay for her”, which I thought was good enough. After all, I wasn’t expecting them to chat like nothing had happened but I assumed they would both be mature enough to put their differences aside for their friend’s sake.
The day of the party comes and Heather and I get there early to set things up, and when we’re in the bathroom doing our makeup she goes, “Hey, this might be a weird question but did Jane mention if she was bringing anyone?”.
This is where I might have been a bit of a bitch. Because Jane did actually ask me if she could bring her boyfriend, the same guy from the story that keeps coming back, and she even apologized for that, but knowing there were going to be three couples at the party already, including Heather and her own boyfriend, I didn’t even think twice before saying yes. However, I also failed to mention that to Heather until the day of the party.
When she found out, she was gone. Completely lost the plot, would not hear reason. She spent the whole evening sitting on the couch next to her boyfriend, with her back to the rest of the party, ignoring everyone else unless they asked her a question directly or forced her into conversation. After the umpteenth failed attempt of including her I felt so guilty I went to cry in the bathroom thinking I had ruined my boyfriend’s party because Heather was not having fun.
Days later, when all of this turned into a paragraph fight via text, instead of apologizing she kept attacking Tony for being rude to her and not understanding that she is very introverted and has “major anxiety”, and that was the reason why she didn’t even try to celebrate his birthday with him once throughout the night. Something I found hard to believe as I had been in that position before, while she was the one to help me out of it, introducing me to new people. So I am well aware of what it means to feel out of place, which is why I tried my best that night, and I also know that if she really wanted to do more, she would’ve.
During the fight, I finally had the opportunity to really talk to Jane for the first time and finding out about some things Heather did to her while they were friends reminded me of something else she did to me.

Back in November 2022, I got on birth control. Naturally I texted my friend, telling her about it.
Her response was, and I quote: “I have a theory. I’ve noticed a pattern where all of Tony’s girlfriends (ex and you) have started taking birth control since dating him soooo he either forced the girls or the girls don't care about STDs and accidental pregnancies. And the side effects obv.”
So I brought this back up during our fight. She tried to deny and to claim she was simply in “shock” because of my sudden interest in birth control, but I sent her back the proof of how she ignored everything I was trying to tell her only to keep trying to prove her hypotheses. My message said: “I was excited because I had done my research, I found a gyno and I went on my own and I texted you knowing that I couldn't share that excitement with my mother so I thought my friend would understand but instead you just came up with conspiracy theories about Tony forcing his girlfriends to get on BC or his girlfriends not caring about accidental pregnancies which was extremely insulting and I still don't know what your intention was because if you were joking it wasn't funny. I was being really vulnerable and you just basically chastised me. I can understand not agreeing but there's ways and ways to say that, you can still be happy and supportive while disagreeing, which was not what you did at all.”
She apologized but also said “I’m sorry you felt that way”. I decided to leave it at that and forget about it.
A couple of weeks later she angrily texted me wondering why I didn’t wish her a happy birthday.
So, AITA?

My boyfriend and i met last year while i was living in mexico. we were both on intense spiritual journeys and it seemed like our life visions and goals aligned. I was really hesistant to date him bc he was really into his self image (muscles, tattoos, tough guy from oakland). Not really my type. I enjoy highly intellectual convos and not taking myself too seriously. plus he lived far away and i knew i didnt want long distance. he convinced me to give him a chance and flew back every month to see me. But hes disciplined, stoic, doesnt give a fuck about other women, and committed to a healthy spiritual life. hes funny and goofy and i love being around him. introduced me to his friends very quickly and they had a lot of drama that they dumped onto me. seeking my advice etc. then his dad got cancer and he brought him to mexico to do ayahuasca. we had only been dating 2 months and he was asking me to hold A LOT of space for him his friends and his family. im an herbalist so i formulated medicines for him, picked up groceries, drove him to the hospital. it was a lot. I felt from the jump he wasnt a very considerate person.
I communicated time & time again that I felt he didnt have room on his plate to really get to know me and start a deep meaningful relationship. he assured me he was ready and in love with me, but I still felt super neglected. Time passed, we have been together for a year, moved back to the states last sept, he moved in with me. I pay all the bills since he was starting fresh, i already had a job. Now after living with him I'm learning that he has a very avoidant attachment style. he would fly back home for a couple weeks and wouldnt say i love you or i miss you. i asked him why, he said well u always say it first and ill always say it back. i asked him to please be more communicative so i can FEEL this love he says he has for me. Says he will. still rare to hear him say these things.
I have sought therapy, expressed the importance of connection, esp in the morn & night. still doesnt cuddle with me at night, doesnt intitiate sex ever (says he has deep fear of initimacy, & we can only have sex when he wants in the 1 position that makes him feel secure), no "im thinking of you" texts (says no, dude i dont miss you when im at work for just 8 hours). I bring up my needs all the time and he tells me i need to keep reminding him when i want these things.
BUT he admits to having all of these issues, asks me for patience & guidance in loving me the way i want. Says hes starting therapy in June. Knows this is a toxic pattern he wants to break. we do good for a week then its back. I find myself laying in bed crying a couple times a week, feeling neglected. I come from a violent drug feuled childhood, I didnt have any secure relationship with adults, so i can go to anxious very quick. I am working on myself bc I know my past is what keeps me feeling like i have to earn someones love. Did this same dance w my ex but he told me "what u want is a fantasy, its not realistic." even still, had a hard time breaking that one off.
the thing is, everyone around him tells me this is THE MOST love and compassion they have ever seen him exhibit in a relationship. He usually runs away. The fact that he chased me for months was shocking to his friends n family. I KNOW he loves me, but is it fair that im constantly feeling like I have to compromise my needs for closeness and connection, while I wait for him to HOPEFULLY change? itsnt it unfair for me to even ask him to change? doesnt that mean i dont love HIM but i hope he can become? *would love to hear from other avoidant men, i know women will just say RUN
EDIT: I'm really into healing. I stay with him bc I want to heal my anxious attachment. I actually wanna be more like him. more indpenedent on my own, not need constant reassurance. is staying w an avoidant thats open to change the wrong way to heal? arent all men kinda avoidant?

This is a crossover fanfiction between original fiction titles: Nature of Predators by SpacePaladin15 and The Last Angel by Proximal Flame respectively. All credit and rights reserved goes to them for making such amazing science fiction settings that I wanted to put this together.
You can read The Last Angel here: Be warned, it's decently long, and at its third installment so far. I highly suggest reading it before reading this, or this story will not make sense.

Otherwise, enjoy the story! Thanks again to u/jesterra54 and u/skais01 for beta and checking of work!
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Memory transcription subject: Captain Sovlin, Federation Fleet Command
Date [standardized human time]: October 24, 2136
What I was doing was risky.
I kept thinking this, as I prepared to spring the idea I worked on. I had Samantha and Carlos look into acquiring a shuttlecraft, for the purposes of infiltrating Aafa. It took a day and a half longer than the UN's initial start date, but I promised them it was worth it. They believed that, and set to work on getting one through their few Venlil resources in the UN. Now that it was in my hands, I was on a trip to Aafa, alone, with no backup or human handlers to my name. They believed I wasn't a flight risk...a mistake on their part, but in a way, I was still performing their goal.
I was still suspicious of Federation governance, even before the humans took stage on the galactic scene. The Sivkit's refugee crisis turnaway, the Krakotl's military extortionate practice, the Federation was full of shady characters who ought to be exposed. I was even working on a source towards what I thought was frivolous and mismanaged Kolshian military spending budgets, but it was interrupted by the human's arrival, and I had set it to the wayside.
Though, neither of those were supposedly leaked by 'me'. Cilany was the one who put it into proper public eye, even if I was her source...
How I wish I could have her here with me, her sharp skill for coercion and interrogation of valuable info in interrogation and interview alike. But the colony she was on was under siege by the Arxur, who struck while the Federation fleet had gone to Earth. All the more fuel for the fire of my suspicions...
I could only hope that Cilany, and by extension the rest of the people there would hold out despite their actions against the humans. None deserved the Arxur thrust upon them.
It would have been far too risky to try and stop by a planet under siege by the Arxur. I would be, at best, blown to smithereens without hesitation, and at worst...eugh...don't think about it, don't think about it!
Plus, I didn't want to give any human assets an idea on my plans currently. I was already going behind their back on this, betraying their trust on this front.
If my hunch is correct, then the Arxur might be coordinating with them, and by extension, feeding info about Federation homeworlds back in their twisted little game. Seeing me pop up in a report would turn heads.
I'm sorry Humanity, but this is for your own good. You cannot trust the Arxur, and the only way we can prevent your manipulation by their Dominion is through convincing a proper attack on them from the Greater Commonwealth.
But now, I found myself on a course to Aafa, alone, all on my lonesome, seeking to do something akin to Noah, but to the most powerful person in the galaxy one-on-one...Nikonus. I felt my ability to pull rank and my reputation would precede me better than the predatory reception of humanity, even though they didn't deserve it. This was a pragmatic decision, not an emotional one…
The trip was not very eventful, roughly [6 days] one way in a ship with as underpowered of a FTL drive as this, but I was trying to sell an infiltration mission, not a courier one. I wouldn't have my claws on anything top-of-the-line for speed in a shuttle. But as my ship hit disruptor fields in-system, and I got a ping from Gunships asking for classic hailing codes, intent to visit, and the like, I sent a message that likely would have shocked their crew.
"This is Captain Sovlin of Federation Fleet Command. I have escaped human custody, and need to request an audience with Nikonus."
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Memory transcription subject: Chief Nikonus of the Kolshian Commonwealth
Date [standardized human time]: October 24, 2136
I walked the outer rungs of the capital gardens, looking for relief to the mounds of bureaucratic paperwork back in-office. A good walk could clear ones mind of most stresses every now and then, and given the circumstances nowadays, I think a longer one is in order.
The Affliaf blooms are quite vibrant today. That's a good omen, for what it's worth...
With the state of the galaxy in a comprehensive deadlock over what to do with humanity, I had to take to some under-the-table talks with Nishtal's military. While the Kolshian Commonwealth was not publically for humanity's invitation into the Federation, they were clearly vocal that they did not wish for the problem to be removed, so to speak. And so, I had to get my tentacles dirty planting seeds of inspiration to some military leaders in and around the Krakotl Alliance. They, thankfully took the predator threat as seriously as they ought to, and mobilized to rid ourselves of the pests.
It should have simply ended there. Humanity should have been exterminated, status quo restored, the whole cropland tilled. But no, a fleet of twenty-thousand failed to even kill a fledgling space-faring species like humanity! Even with the Venlil Space Corps on their side, the battle should have been a wash! And the worst part, was that the true believers on Venlil Prime were giving me garbage intelligence on the matter.
'A ship of unknown origin swooped in and saved humanity? One that was unheard of up to this point'? No, a wad of ectolan spulk, there was no chance it was humanity keeping something in reserve that could even the tide! They likely were feeding false data to their allies, the manipulative little apes. No, humanity being saved stunk of the Dominion's play, and that was worrisome.
Did Giznel and his lackeys go back on our deal, seeing blood in the water? I knew we groomed a deal out of Betterment that'd give them all the wrong ideas...
Needless to say, I had to now figure out where to start on approaching them and confirming our deal was still on the table, and to cease and desist assistance with humanity at once. If they didn't want to play ball anymore, we'd have to consider some Shadow Fleet excursions to pave a path for a public route to invasion. That would change the whole dynamic of the Federation's control structures, and was absolutely not the path this great galactic Commonwealth should go.
So now, I am stuck in a dilemma. Do I assume Giznel and the Dominion are still in on the deal, and haven't made allies with humanity in the backdrop, or do I take the only opportunity we get, and start mounting an offensive while the Dominion's unprepared.
Decisions, decisions...
Not long into my musings, an aide contacted me over holo-prompt. Odd, I didn't have anything scheduled this soon, and central planning proceedings weren't set to start up again until the following day, what was it?...
"Chief Nikonus. There's been a development on the outer edge of the system. Bulwark Patrol states that a shuttlecraft of Venlil-make warped in, one individual alone on scans. They identified itself as Captain Sovlin, seeking refuge from human captivity."
Oh dear. That's not anything I could have expected. The last thing I need right now is more complications...but that wording...
"Why hasn't he been boarded and processed yet? I am hardly the first authority to come to for a asylum dispute."
"He asked for you specifically, your graciousness. Said to request an audience with utmost urgency."
"Is that so?...Hmm." I am currently free of responsibilities for a solid chunk of time. While I did not know Sovlin personally, his record spoke for himself. If he truly was escaping human custody, it was likely he found something out about them that they shared by accident, not knowing he wasn't loyal to them.
If he's come here for the reason I think he might've, there's a very real chance...
"Send him my way as soon as possible then. He's lucky I can spare an audience now."
...that said opportunity has just walked itself right into my garden.
Memory transcription subject: Captain Sovlin, Federation Fleet Command
Date [standardized human time]: October 24, 2136
There was thankfully little fanfare or media attention in bringing my shuttle in. The decision to come alone clearly disarmed their initial worries of human sympathizing or terrorist actions, and soon enough, I found myself amongst an escort of soldiers to Aslou's government district.
I had been to Aafa various times throughout my life. In my tenure as captain, you tend to visit the homeworlds of the larger species at least once in a lifetime, if not several. Most times were not very exciting or noteworthy...but this time, the visit felt downright off.
The gardens were as beautiful as ever, but there were little walking them. The Songbedas were oddly quiet, making an unsettling atmosphere. The population out in the outer and medial rungs of the city split to make way for my escort, as if expecting trouble on their doorstep should they draw attention.
Given what happened with humanity, I wouldn't put it past them. Why is it so...empty?
It was forced to be pushed aside as we finally reached the inner rings of the Capitol Spire. A gleam ran up into the heavens, and a sequence of block outcroppings spun around the structure, green architecture patterns spiraled up and up. It was a beautiful idol of the dedication of megalithic engineering and urban planning of the Kolshian Commonwealth. Under any other circumstances, I would have once felt comfortable walking under its shadow, but now I felt only unease at being in its monolithic shade.
Across from us, not far up the steps leading to the Capitol Spire, was Nikonus and his guards. They were clearly waiting for me. Nikonus looked pleased to see me, somehow. Was there no clear indicator...?
Does he trust my cover?
"Captain Sovlin, your reputation precedes you! I could have sworn you were interred so deep you weren't getting out. Yet, you say you broke out?"
Here goes nothing. Make it believable, Sovlin...
"I...yes, your graciousness. After I was imprisoned on Venlil Prime, the humans kept trying to get me to turn on the Federation. They were convincing, but my loyalties ultimately lie in this government, Chief Nikonus." I put my chest into the last bit of the statement, trying to give emphasis.
He seemed to mull on that for a split second, before he made a gesture to follow him. "We may talk more about your escape inside. I assume what you have meant to say to me is not for public ears?" He glanced about, subtly tilting his head out at the few gathered crowds out and about Aslou's Capitol District. Given how open and flat the area was, with the slightest elevation, you could practically see for [kilometers].
He was right on that. My suspicions would not be for the general public to hear, lest it cause a panic. "Yes. It would not do for the media to run wild with. It could cause unrest."
The Kolshian's eyes seemed to glint at that. "On that, you and I can agree. Come, to my offices." Him and his troop started up the stairs, and I followed soon after, my 'escorts' following closely behind. I could not yet tell whether I was actually in good trust with Chief Nikonus, or whether he was playing up the kindly elder act. Politicians were always shifty like that...
We walked a long way, took several lifts to reach the original Kolshian suites of the Capitol Spire. Passing through halls of elaborate aquatic decor, and indoor habitats, we approached our destination: Chief Nikonus' personal office.
He waved away all but two guards to stand outside the office, as we walked in. As he sat down, and the door closed, the visual look of the Kolshian shifted. His old, elderly demeanor sharpened to a politics-honed edge. The tone of the room felt far more off.
"I hope you know how much your position here is troubling, Sovlin." His voice had none of the kindness it held before. In its place, laid a piercing tone of seriousness. "If I'm anticipating right, you came here with distinctly bad news, given the state of galactic politics and military scuffles. That is...if I can even trust your story at all." He got up from his chair in a way that betrayed none of his age from before, and began to pace.
Or was his earlier light hobbling also just a disarming act?
"I mean really, you mean to tell me you turned yourself in to humanity for 'crimes against sentience', and then go back on your self-inflicted punishment? All so you could come to Aafa to let me know of something I'm already decently certain I know of before you even tell me? Your loyalty in question is a mind game Sovlin. I do not appreciate mind games. You'd best get to your point quickly and succinctly."
There was a chilling quality to that statement. I did not want to see what lied on the end of that thinly veiled threat.
A hitch came to my throat, but I pushed through the discomfort. "I...Chief Nikonus...I do not revoke my feelings about humanity's sentience, but neither do I revoke my faith in the Federation's dream. Despite their predator biology, they are capable of empathy and care for things outside what we'd consider stereotypical predatory behavior. They still deserve a chance at being within the galactic community, of being part of the Federation; no matter what preconceptions are of predators, they are clearly different. But, there's something we distinctly missed about humanity, and I think the Arxur are making an attempt to exploit it."
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Memory transcription subject: Chief Nikonus of the Kolshian Commonwealth
Date [standardized human time]: October 24, 2136
"You've seen the empathy tests, right?" Sovlin mentioned. Of course I had, it was only the thing that had kept me from having their ambassador Noah shot on the spot, where was he going with this?
"Yes, I have. Are you saying there isn't empathy for them?"
"No, Chief Nikonus. They are just as empathic as before. The problem is in how they use it. If a protective instincts in herbivore's is to block the danger from the person, then a predator's instincts is to remove the danger."
Huh?
"I'm not seeing the problem here, Sovlin. Aggression versus protection is a choice all sentients can make, even if one is uncouth for most herbivores to make."
But my rebuttal didn't shake his look any. No, there was mortification interwoven throughout it still.
"Follow with me here, still. The human's empathic desires to latch onto anything as a companion is an odd case, but a documented one. They are looking for friends among the cosmos, and given the first thing they found was the Venlil, they took to them immediately. When they found the Federation, they too attempted to befriend us. And over the Cradle, despite our best efforts to dissuade them, they were curious of the Arxur too. I would know, I was there."
Hmm, so the humans have been making some attempt at contacting The Dominion. Given their Prophet's Word, and their temperament for predators, they likely would act receptive if given some chance. More fuel to the fire...
I motioned him on further. "They...interrogated a Arxur above the cradle. They told them of how Federation first contact went; how the Arxur were starved by the Federation releasing a bioweapon, and how it lead them into conflict during the uplift."
I walked over to my desk, and sat down. My tentacle hovered over a concealed sidearm underneath the lip, just in case. "And...did you believe what that Arxur said was true, Sovlin?..."
Sovlin sighed in denial. "No, your graciousness...but I'm afraid...the humans do." He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he talked. "The Arxur have picked up on a weakness we didn't see, Chief Nikonus. Likely due to them being predators themselves. They know humanity is a pack predator, so they're seeking to manipulate the humans onto their side using their empathy."
I brought my tentacles away from the gun while I considered, because this was only meaning one thing.
Those bastards ARE going back on the deal! Sovlin, your loyalty has just saved me a world of hurt...
But before I could get a word in edgewise, he continued. "They are using the empathy the humans latch on with to some effect. Given the choice between a galaxy that shuns and tries to kill their species, and a fellow predator lending a claw in the interim, why would they pick anything but the Arxur? Why wouldn't they pick self-preservation?"
Sovlin looked at me with a worried face. I shared in the worry too, the long-term survival of the Federation was unraveling from the worst case scenario. "The humans might be coaxed into cruelty as bad as the Arxur because of that. We missed how their empathy was their bloodlust. And now the Arxur are here to collect on our mistakes."
This is bad. While we had some agreement beforehand with the Dominion, the human's existence on the galactic stage changes the game. The Dominion would look to seek true control of everything, rather than just playing even with us. The [Prisoner's Dilemma] is broken.
...But there is still a solution. And Sovlin proved himself loyal enough to help with it.
I turned back to him, trying to assuage his worries. "Sovlin, while this is very bad news, there is a solution that the galaxy isn't considering here."
Sovlin piped up. "Yes. We'd need to form an intense first strike on Wriss itself, to devastate the head of their government, and collapse their attempts to indoctrinate humanity. Humanity might protest, but it would be for their own good that the Arxur fails to get their claws on them. From there, we can try to reestablish friendly connections, even as strained and painful as they are..."
Oh, you poor naive fool Sovlin. Don't worry, there is a better way.
I enabled a soundproofing field interladen in the walls of my office, for what came next was sensitive. "Not...quite Captain Sovlin, a good plan, and one that will be considered soon. But...what if I told you, there was a way to remove that fellow predator’ link?..."
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I stared, mouth dry, heart pounding, at the message from my boss – That awful combination of words that my coworkers and I pray we never see:
“You’re in the running for Employee of the Year.”
For him to send something so callous via email – that was just rubbing salt in the wound.
My eyes glazed over the wall of text that followed. I didn’t need to read the details – I’d cleaned enough of the prior winners off the walls and ceiling of the soundproofed breakroom to know exactly what the award entailed.
After that initial, deep pang of fear faded, denial flooded in to take its place.
I wasn’t just hitting my sales quota, I was blowing it out of the damn water – selling big ticket items daily. I never forgot to place the stickers with my barcode on the products, either, so when my customers checked out and it was scanned at the register, the sales should’ve automatically been linked to my employee ID.
We don’t receive commission – there are other ‘incentives’ to keep our sales up. I hadn’t been watching the numbers because I knew I was making sales left and right – I would've never even dreamt that I was at risk.
It was just a glitch with our computer system, I decided with a nervous laugh. It had to be – something IT could probably sort out in no time.
When I finally regained control of my legs, I wobbled to my manager’s office.
There was no miscalculation, he assured me. It was my employee ID that ranked at the bottom.
“The barcodes never lie, Graham.” He didn’t even bother making eye contact.
I was circling the drain figuratively, and if I didn’t get my shit together – literally – soon enough.
I begged him to review the camera footage – I knew he'd be able to see me making all those sales. “Don’t worry,” he added, with a smile vacant of anything remotely resembling happiness, “One way or another, we all contribute to the success of our company.”
I suppose that by then, he was long desensitized to the pleas of the desperate.
As I left his office, I assured myself that this wasn’t a death sentence.
Not yet.
I had another month until they recalculated our final standings, before shit would get real. Before I’d be given a limp handshake and an empty ‘Thank you for your devotion to the company’ as I was led down the hallway. Before I’d meet what lives behind the usually padlocked door in the shadowy corner of the breakroom.
Before I’d learn what it truly meant to sacrifice myself for the good of the company.
Word spread fast around the office.
Kevin gave me his smug, shit eating grin – maybe he thought that with me out of the picture, he’d finally have a shot with Elise.
Elise… I just desperately hoped that hers wouldn’t be the name drawn afterwards – the one selected to hose what’s left of me off the breakroom floor and down the stained, rusty drain.
As required, I began parking in my new designated space at the far end of the employee lot – the faded sign indicating ‘Reserved for Employee of the Year’ nearly swallowed up by the encroaching tree line. It added an extra ten minutes to my walk to our store, and I dreaded that added time in the oppressive Texas heat. The rational part of me knew that was soon to be a moot point, though.
One way or another, in another month, I wouldn’t have that parking spot. If I were lucky, I’d live to see another summer – live to see some other poor bastard’s car parked there.
If they hadn’t already heard the news, when the rest of my coworkers saw my car in that space, they knew what it meant. Don’t get too attached.
They started avoiding me like the plague. I didn’t blame them.
We all knew what would be coming next if my sales didn’t improve – it's the same thing that happens every time:
We’d gather for the mandatory meeting on the closing night of the fiscal year, all eyes on the sorry son of a bitch that had ‘won’ – the room so quiet that you could hear their muffled sobs. They’d receive what barely constituted a handshake from my manager while he muttered – dead-eyed – his appreciation for their devotion to the company.
Next, they’d be ushered off to the breakroom to meet ‘corporate’. No one tried to run – not after what happened in '19. Instead, the winner would always turn back, shooting us a desperate, final look – eyes pleading for someone, anyone, to intervene. And, of course, no one ever did.
Once the door closed behind them and that sound-proofed room swallowed up the last of their sobbing, begging – it was over. The rest of us would be sent home and I'd try to shower away that disgusting feeling – that sick sense of relief that someone else was sent to their death, and not me.
Cal – the nicest guy I’d ever met – he was the bottom performer two years ago.
He’d fallen so ill that he’d nearly wasted away and eventually, couldn’t work anymore. He must've thought that freed him from his contract – if he left, if he never came back into work, he’d be okay.
He must not have read the fine print in our hiring paperwork.
Although, to be fair, if any of us had read it, we'd never have signed it in the first place.
Cal was a warning to the rest of us, that there is no quitting in our line of work. If they have to track you down and find you (and I promise you that they will find you) – well, wouldn’t you prefer to go with your dignity, with the company compensating your loved ones – rather than be pulled from your home, kicking and screaming into the night?
Gina was employee of the year in 2023. Gina, with the kind smile, whom Kevin had set his sights on before Elise – and, just like Elise, she wanted nothing to do with him.
I still remember that day, the day they released the final numbers. The way Gina’s mouth hung open in confusion, shock.
When she finally managed to form words again, she too insisted that there must be some mistake. We all vouched for her to management – I’d personally seen her make so many sales.
Our manager simply reminded us that the barcodes never lie.
My name was the one drawn for breakroom duty that next morning, to pick up what remained of her smile and her simple gold wedding band, to be returned to her family. In one business week, they received a box containing a check, and everything left of her that wouldn’t fit down the drain.
Once the numbers are finalized, once your employee barcode has been slapped on that innocuous looking pink slip, well, your fate is sealed.
Kevin, in all his years at the company, has never parked on the far side of the lot. He has never even come close to becoming Employee of the Year, even though he couldn’t sell a bottle of water to a man dying of dehydration. He is sleaze incarnate and doesn’t even have the charisma to mask it.
I never understood how he did so well, but I couldn’t afford to think about him.
I had myself to worry about, and the glitch in the system. Any time I found myself in the breakroom, that ancient wooden door was an unwelcome reminder of the impending one-way trip it held for me.
I took special care to keep an eye on my sales, working my ass off, pulling double shifts. I pulled up the numbers as the end of month drew near, and couldn't believe it.
I was still dead last.
Somehow, there were days where less than half of my sales had been recorded to my employee number.
I didn’t understand.
I waited for the opportunity to sneak into the manager's office, and pull the footage myself.
I’d show the boss that something had gone wrong with the calculations, that the system was broken.
I finally got my chance. At first, I triumphantly watched myself make sale after sale – far more than had been credited to my account. For the first time in a month, I felt a sense of relief. I had evidence, and that had to count for something.
I switched feeds, to the camera nearer to the registers so I could confirm that the codes were being scanned. I'd seen several scanned successfully, and reached to turn off the recording. That's when I saw it.
Saw him.
Kevin.
It was subtle. I didn't realize what he was doing at first, until I recognized the pattern. Even then, I had to rewind and watch again for it to click.
It happened for nearly half of my sales that day. I saw him Intercepting the customers before they could check out – before I could get credit for my sales. And while he chatted them up, he discretely slapped his employee barcode over my own.
I confronted him that night – I was furious. He just smiled, smugly gave me that line about how the barcodes never lie.
He didn’t give a shit that he was sentencing someone else to death.
Hell, maybe he even enjoyed it.
Kevin had stolen credit for Gina’s sales – and god knows who else's.
Fucking. Kevin.
The day our numbers were to be finalized, he had the audacity to place his barcode over mine on a huge sale I’d made – he made no attempt at hiding it – right in front of me. He flashed me a grin as he did.
I caught up with the customers before they checked out and they kindly allowed me to peel the sticker off. I stuck it in my pocket to show my manager.
I pulled the video, too, and I stormed into his office, refused to leave until he watched it. I studied him as his eyes moved across the screen and if he was upset or shocked, he certainly didn't show it.
Finally, he met my eyes, and at the sight of the pain in his – well, for the first time, I felt a sense of relief.
Until I realized why he looked so miserable. Until he whispered, “I'm sorry, Graham. Someone has to receive that award tomorrow. It's out of my hands.”
I wordlessly handed him that damn barcode sticker of Kevin’s that I’d peeled off. He studied it for a long moment before he handed it back to me with a mere, “Why don't you hold onto this.”
I told Elise what had happened over lunch, and as much as I appreciated her outrage on my behalf, I was already resigned to it. I'd mainly wanted to warn her because I had a sick feeling she'd be the one Kevin went after next.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't devastated when, that night, my boss called me into his office and informed me of the final standings. Yeah, I knew it was coming, but I guess it's just human nature to hold onto denial – hope – until the bitter end.
For what felt like an eternity, we stared at each other in silence. The presence of the pink slip of paper lying on the desk between us, said more than enough.
Finally, my eyes drifted down to the form.
He’d already signed, but the space where my barcode – the series of vertical lines spelling out my death sentence – should’ve been placed, was empty.
I never knew how this part went, since it always took place behind closed doors. No one that ever filled out that form lived to tell the rest of us about it.
“I need you to place a barcode here before I send the form to corporate.” he said, eventually.
I opened my mouth for one final, impassioned plea for my life, but he interrupted me. He spoke each word slowly, softly.
“I’m leaving the room now. I need you to place a barcode here, before I send the form to corporate.”
He stared at me for a long moment, waiting for my barely perceptible nod of acknowledgement before leaving me alone in the office.
They processed the paperwork, and announced the Employee of the Year that next day.
Yes, I did feel a pang of guilt as I watched the smug grin fade, the blood drain from Kevin’s face as he stared in shock at the outstretched hand of our manager – as he was thanked for his devotion to our company.
I felt it again as I watched him plead all the way to the breakroom, as our manager spoke to him the same mantra we’d all heard before.
The barcodes never lie.
But I thought of Gina, of the countless others, and by the time I heard the door slam behind him – the guilt was already gone. In its place, the relief of knowing the rest of us were safe.
Well, at least until next year.

I'm gonna start this off by saying this is a vent post. It's really long and goes over all the big instances I can recall of animal cruelty happening in my childhood all the way to present, so it will be a lot of paragraphs. The timelines are estimates, but due to trauma I have poor memory involving dates when things happened, and this probably still isn't every incident, again just the big ones I can recall. Read at your own discretion.
I (19F) live with my grandparents (70M and 67F) and my parents (42 M 43 F). Due to some injuries from last year and some medical history, I am disabled and currently jobless, and in the process of trying to obtain disability, which is relevant for later.
Since I was as little as I can remember, my family has always had cats. I even grew up with some cats that ended up feeling like siblings for me not having anyone around them age to interact with until my sister was born when I was 8.
My parents have always loved cats, but I don't think truly ever valued cats. They've always been left outdoors, and eventually the elements always get them. I have never had a family pet that grew past the age 12. All of our cats have either been attacked by dogs that are also loose in my neighborhood, been suspected to have been tortured and unalived by neighbors, got sick, or got ran over, because my family doesn't care and will just 'replace" pets less than a year later.
When I was around 5, I had my very first pet kitten. This kitten was a runt, so it stayed small for a long time. It also was very hard to potty train, and because of this, they released it outside when it was maybe barely 7-8 weeks. He did good for about a month, but after that, he vanished. But there was evidence when he disappeared that there were large dog paw prints in our driveway because it was rainy that previous night, and his food bowl was dragged out in the yard, which he couldn't have done.
Also around 5, my aunt (at this time 13F) was living with us, as her mom (my mom's mom) wasn't taking good care of her and was in and out of jail. She had pet guinea pigs for a bit. My parents decided to feed the guinea pigs potatoes without doing any kind of research. One of them died. The other one was sick and anxious all the time, so my aunt decided to release it in our backyard? It was also winter. (I want to say that I do not blame her directly because she was still a child and in a similar situation to me, and my parents didn't care about the well-being of these poor guinea pigs anyways.)
And yet another story of around age 5, my dad bought the family a pet red-eared turtle. The tank was too small for her. My dad also thought it would be "funny" and "cool" to put fish in there with this turtle whenever we were about to go on vacation. She ate all the fish in the tank: Neons, goldfish, the tank cleaners, and whatever other fish species he put in that confined tank that wasn't more than 20 gallons. (Red-eared turtles alone need around 40 at minimum.)
But that's not all. While on vacation, both I and my 13 year-old aunt got baby yellow-belly sliders. We took them home, and we put them in the tank with our adult turtle. She ate the heads off of both of them. There was one goldfish left there as well, and I got traumatized seeing both the dead turtles, and seeing her eat that last gold fish in two chomps one time.
When I was around 6, my family randomly decided, "Let's own goats!" because they have a big backyard with an old shed. Well, they ended up buying a small amount of chicken wire fence and giving them outside of the barn about a few feet to move around when our backyard is fairly large and most of it wasn't being used. And we live in a residential area, so every night we had the goats, they would scream. My parents hated their screaming and started neglecting them more by giving them less attention, which only made them scream 24/7. Finally, my parents decided to give the goats to some distant family that has farmland. (We are in the south.)
When I was around 8-9, I got another cat. She was a pretty cat, but very mean and feisty. She didn't really like anyone, but I loved her regardless. This cat was too annoying for my parents to deal with because she had behavioral issues, and instead of taking her to the vet, they decided to make her start staying outside. She loved it, but a bit too much.
(Big TW: death and some descriptions of gore) One day, I had to help my mom deal with her corpse on the road. I was obviously really sad and fell into a deal depression. I also panicked and nearly threw up when I saw, because her eyeball was hanging out. It was so disturbing for a child to see. We buried her together, but I was made fun of one day by my parents for randomly crying about her death.
When I was around 10, I owned my third cat. She also had a brother from the same litter, and my mom had recently lost a cat that she did keep inside from kidney disease. I haven't had my own cat in a while, and they decided to adopt this sibling pair from the neighbors. I got the female, my mom got the male, because she is the type to insist that boy cats are better.
Anyways, I LOVED this cat. I did so much for her, and she loved me and followed me everywhere. We'd cuddle to sleep together. She was my best friend.
But my parents never got her fixed. They also never got the brother fixed. They ended up doing the tango (gross I know, but nature) and my cat had kittens a little bit less than a year old. Since she was too young for kittens, she at first didn't know what she was doing and even misplaced her first outside and ran to me while in labor with the second. I found that kitten and helped her with all 5 of her kittens, all girls also, and the kittens ended up getting close to me as well.
Of course, once they were around 6-7 weeks, my parents were wanting to start finding home for them. But they also had another idea in mind. They wanted me to get rid of my adult cat, and the brother cat as well, and we'd take one kitten. At first I was like no, but they manipulated me and convinced me a kitten would be better. I told them which kitten I wanted, and it looked a lot like my cat. But no, since they thought one of the cats might be distantly Siamese and thought it looked the coolest from it's tabby and Siamese-like pattern, they chose that one, and then dropped my beloved cat and her brother off at a cemetery, didn't even let me say bye. They just threw them away like pieces of garbage. And then I ended up resenting that kitten anyways for not being MY cat, so the family ended up crashing her as well, and she disappeared a few years later.
Around age 11-12, I somehow managed to have pet hermit crabs, another pet yellow-belly slider turtle, and two pet rabbits. My parents were basically throwing pets at me because I guess they felt guilty or something about what they did to me. I didn't end up taking care of any of them, and they all died of starvation and/or dehydration, and I still feel terrible about it. I was so depressed that I couldn't take care of myself either. And I was given animals on top of it, and I was forced to be a high schooler in school. The pets suffered at the cost of what? Why did I even have them?
Around age 13, my parents were driving me home from school, and we saw some Canada geese with their babies by a pond. I'm sure you know where this is going, considering everything else. My mom convinced me to jump out of the car with her, and she distracted the adult geese while I caught a baby one. I knew that in itself was bad, but I didn't know Canada geese were such a protected species.
The little guy imprinted on me. I loved him, he would follow me around the yard. But once again my parents got out that chicken fence, only this time it was on the side of the house, and no shed for him to take cover in (still like a few feet of movement max.) He was growing fast, and he was plucking his feathers. A neighbor noticed and told us to get rid of him or we'd call authorities. They lied and said we "found him and rescued him." I was told to lie about this narrative for years. They ended up dropping him back off at the pond we got him from about two months after we first got him. He couldn't fly, his family wasn't there. He was defenseless. I still feel terrible to this day, I know I was manipulated, but I was 13. And again, I defend my aunt and she was also 13, so I really don't know.
When I was 15, that first turtle I mentioned was still there at our house for all those years. She had quite literally been there for a decade. My parents got tired of having to clean her tank, and she was obviously too big for it as well. But was their response to upgrade tanks and the old filtering system that's been there all that time? Nope. While I was at school, he just...released her. And not in a pond or anything, you know, being an aquatic turtle. (Not like that would be better, but better than what he did.) He just put her outside, in our front driveway. She ran away surprisingly fast according to him. An aquatic pet turtle. Just released in a residential neighborhood. I'm totally sure nothing awful happened to her.( /sarcasm.)
When I was also 15, this was when the pandemic hit. I was super depressed and bored all the time. But then a female stray cat came to our house and had kittens behind a board against my grandparents house. I started fostering them and their mom immediately. I didn't know at the time that we had any no kill shelters nearby, and neither did my parents. When the kittens were old enough, we started rehoming them. There were 3 in total. 1 got a home. The other was still outside for some reason and disappeared. The other one became my pet, whom was at first the family pet. But then they decided that he was too annoying (because he was sweet and affectionate and not what they wanted out of cats which was mean, feisty, playful.)
He is the sweetest boy ever and is still alive to this day, but because I still live with my horrible family, he has to be outdoors, and he gets really scabby from the bugs outside during the summer. As soon as I can I will move out, take him to the vet, and take him out of this home. He shouldn't have to be here.
A few years ago, my sister (11F but maybe 9F at the time) got her own kitten. He ended up growing up to be sweet and affectionate like my cat, so neither her nor my parents want him and he's outdoors, so I'll probably try to take him too.
My sister now has her own new cat that's about a year old she got last year. So far she's not abandoning him since he's a mix of sweet and playful, but my parents have talked about making him indoor-outdoor, which really means "Indoor-outdoor for a few days but after a while we'll just leave him outside and let him stay there."
As a child, I was taught so many messed up things about animals. That dogs are disgusting, gross, and pets have no feelings, and I was taught that cats also have no feelings as a child, but that they are at least a more fun and less gross pet. In fact, in my parent's eyes, no animals have feelings or sentience or any of those things. They are just play things for our benefit. Because of this, as a child I also did not treat animals with the respect they deserve, and I acknowledge this. I have been unlearning so much of this behavior since I was about 13, the goose that I had was my wakeup call.
Please, I know it may seem crazy to some that I out of all people are speaking on this, but if you own animals, please keep them indoors. And with cats specifically, if they crave outside, harness train them. Buy/build a cheap patio in your window if possible. Just don't let them roam free. They will kill so much wildlife. Having to also deal with the grief of my pets killing and bringing dead rabbits, moles, birds opossums, etc. is also a lot. It heavily effects your surrounding ecosystem as well, because annually house cats are estimated to kill over a billion birds and over 6 billion mammals. That's disastrous, and could be avoided if there weren't so many bad pet owners.
Also, don't get animals that go in tanks/terrariums/cages in general if you don't have the money to get them the most spacious enclosure with ALL of their needs. Don't put fish in bowls, it effects their eyesight and shortens their lifespans SIGNIFICANTLY. In general, do not get a pet unless you have the financial means to do so AND if you've thoroughly researched that pet, get it ethically sourced, and if you make sure you have the mental capacity to care for an animal. ANIMALS ARE NOT TOYS. ANIMALS ARE NOT HERE FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT, FOR OUR JOY. THEY ARE LIVING BEINGS WITH THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, AND A LIFE. THEY DESERVE RESPECT AND DECENCY. NO, THEY DESERVE BEYOND DECENCY, THEY DESERVE TO BE WORSHIPPED AND NURTURED AND SPOILED BY US, NOT TORMENTED AND ABUSED! Thank you.
Also, if you somehow got this far, please read my previous story and give me advice on that one if you have the time, but if not that's perfectly okay. My living situation sucks, but hopefully things can change. I'm counting on a change to happen soon.

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read about my situation.
For the Spring 2024 semester, I was accepted into a research program at my university. The way the application process works is you are given several different research topics/teams to express your level of interest in. They use this information to help better decide which team to place you in (assuming you are accepted into the program). The structure of each team consists of: 3-4 undergraduate students; a graduate student that mentors and guides the team; and a professor who is faculty who supervises the project.
Throughout the duration of this semester, my team and I have gotten quite familiar with the work we were doing. The professor was rarely a part of our weekly discussion meetings, so it was really the graduate mentor and the undergraduate students working together. While still maintaining the professionalism of conducting research, there was also casual and light-hearted banter that we felt comfortable with.
The research project is primarily focused on mathematics research, but it does require computer programming experience as well. My girlfriend is a computer science major and would sometimes sit in during our weekly meetings to see the research we were doing. I thought that maybe she would enjoy seeing what the work is like. It would also help her decide if this is something she sees herself doing next semester. My graduate mentor took note of her possible interest in doing research in the future.
Additional context: my graduate mentor and his girlfriend both study mathematics, and they both spend a lot of time together in the mathematics department. It seems like they feel comfortable mixing in their personal/professional lives together.
At the end of the Spring semester, research applications for the Fall semester opened up. My partner decided she wanted to give it a shot and decided to apply for the research program. I also decided to reapply to continue my research for next semester. Since we get to choose which topics we felt most interested in, my girlfriend chose a topic she felt most interested (pattern formation), and I chose the topic pertaining to my original research interest (AI). I think both of us had different ideas of which one we felt most interested in doing.
My research team decided to have an end-of-semester dinner to celebrate our research project and achievements for this semester (my girlfriend was not there). My graduate mentor told me over dinner that he decided to put her on the same team as me for next semester. I don't really know how I felt hearing that information, I didn't even know he was a part of the decision-making process. I'm sure he thought he was doing a kind gesture by pairing two partners together on the same research team. But I wish he would have asked me if that was something I was okay with. I don't know why, but as much as I liked having her around, I also felt like some boundaries were being mixed? I want to see my partner as a girlfriend, not as a coworker. Additionally, two of the original research members were graduating and wouldn't be there for next semester and another research member is deciding to not continue. So next semester it would just be an entirely new team (and not the one I bonded with this semester).
In the middle of dinner, I texted my girlfriend about the early information I had just received from my graduate mentor. She said, "How does he know? They already decided? Oh brother. *sends an anxious cat GIF rolling around in bed*". I texted her saying how I remembered she wanted to be a part of the other research team, to which she acknowledged and said she was happy to be a part of my research team.
I do care about my partner a lot, and I also wish to have my work life and personal relationship life separate. My partner and I already have our own lives so enmeshed together on campus as it already is. This past semester, I was working part-time as an assistant in the math department. Sometimes my partner would come by and lounge around the same area I am working in. We would also study together on campus, or try to see each other in between classes or go out for lunch together. When we are not on campus, we would drive each other home and spend our nights together. Admittedly, I do feel like my academic performance decreased ever since I started dating her. My studies are something I care about deeply, and I just need my own time and space to focus on that too. If we are on the same research team together, I won't be able to focus on the quality of my work. I would prefer to have time alone to where I can focus on my work. Outside of that, my time is all of hers! We are both very affectionate and spend a lot of quality time together outside of the academic environment.
I don't know what the dynamic would be like between us if we were on the same research team together. Doing research can be kind of stressful sometimes, and I don't want that dynamic to enter our relationship either. At this point, I'm leaning towards not continuing the research project next semester. I don't want the additional stress, I won't have the same team, and I don't want to mix my relationship dynamics with my professional/work life dynamics. Does this make me an asshole, or is this just me setting boundaries for myself? I don't want my girlfriend to feel hurt or that I am abandoning her (she has a fear of abandonment).
I haven't communicated this information to my partner yet, nor have I told my graduate research mentor about how I feel about the situation. I have until the end of the week to make a decision as to whether I want to pursue this research project. What should I do, how should I deliver this and communicate this? If it helps, we met one year ago and have been together for nearly 9 months (6 months of an incredibly long situationship where I wanted us to be official and she wasn't ready, and now 3 months of exclusive relationship/official couple).
TL;DR: Graduate mentor put my GF and I on same research team next semester without asking me beforehand if that was okay. I would prefer to keep my professional work life and my love/relationship life separate.

My (30F, AP) boyfriend (40M, FA) and I broke up a few days ago. He told me he was FA from the start, and that he had sabotaged relationships before by ruminating on doubts. He actually hadn't had a real relationship for over ten years when I met him. These were red flags, but once we hit the six month mark I started to assume he really had become secure.
A little over a year in, though, he started a conversation where he brought up a bunch of issues that he'd never talked to me about before, saying he thought we were just incompatible. I told him it made no sense to break up when we hadn't tried to work on the issues (e.g. he wanted to do new things more often, felt I was leaning on him too much in my anxious moments). He seemed to rethink things, and even seemed optimistic by the time we were done talking about it, so I thought even though the pattern was coming up, there was hope.
This started a cycle of about three months, where we'd be fine for a few weeks and then he'd come out with increasingly strong doubts. The thing that kept me going was, he always seemed satisfied to keep trying at the end of these conversations, and it would be the smallest considerations I'd bring up that would change his mind. I even paid for a month of couple's therapy because it seemed like things were so up in the air. The only thing was, whenever I brought up the fact that he'd told me he was FA, he always said that his doubts didn't have anything to do with that--even though it was a clear pattern from what he'd told me.
Finally, it happened. I precipitated it, because he had finally just started telling me the spark was gone and that he "knew it would never come back." I felt like I had tried everything, and when I told him the spark is just hormones he didn't listen. Finally I asked him to think through his long term relationship goals and values, and let me know if we should go no contact. He got back to me a week later and said he still wanted to break up.
I'm heartbroken because I could really see the two parts of him fighting each other, but it seemed like he didn't have self-awareness about it the way he'd seemed to at the beginning. From how he talked at the start, it seemed like all I would have to do is call his attention to his FA attachment and we could work on things. Instead, I'm glad I fought for the relationship, but it's so tragic that I wasn't able to succeed. Any words of support would be appreciated at this time.