CAPRICORN TAROT (youtube.com)
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Ketahuilah, mencari pasangan hidup itu ibarat orang menunggu bus. Ketika bus datang kau mengamatinya lalu berkata dalam hati:
“ Ooh … penuh sekali … aku tidak bisa duduk”. Sebaiknya aku tunggu bus yang lain. Kau biarkan bus itu pergi lalu menunggu bus yang lain.
Bus kedua datang, kau mengamatinya tapi lalu kau berkata:
“ Ooh… bus ini sangat tua … butuh banyak perbaikan ! “ Bus itu kau biarkan pergi lalu kau putuskan untuk menunggu bus berikutnya.
Sejenak kemudian bus berikutnya datang. Bus itu tidak penuh penumpang dan tidak tua. Setelah kau amati, kau berkata:
“ Ooh… tidak ada AC nya, sebaiknya kutunggu bus yang lain “. Lagi-lagi kau biarkan bus itu pergi dan kau menunggu bus yang lain.
Hari mulai petang, langit mulai gelap, kau menjadi panik, akhirnya kau melompat ke dalam bus berikutnya. Setelah bus berjalan, kau baru sadar bahwa kau naik bus jurusan lain.
Kau buang waktu dan uangmu untuk meraih yang kau idamkan. Sesungguhnya, meskipun kau berhasil mendapatkan bus ber-AC, kau tidak bisa memastikan bahwa bus itu tidak akan mogok, atau bisa saja AC-nya terlalu dingin untukmu.
TUNGGU …
Aku yakin kau pernah mengalami peristiwa ini. Kau melihat bus datang ( bus yang kau idamkan, tentu! ) Kau pun segera melambaikan tanganmu.
Tapi … WUSSS … Sang supir ngebut melewatimu. Ia bersikap seakan-akan tidak melihatmu. Kau pun segera sadar, ternyata bus itu tidak diperuntukkan bagimu.
Pada hakekatnya, mencari pasangan adalah seperti mencari bus. Apakah kau akan menumpang dan menghargai bus itu … itu semua kembali kepada dirimu sendiri! Bila kau belum dapat mengambil keputusan, JALANLAH … Jalan memang berarti kau belum memperoleh yang kau idamkan. Namun, sisi baiknya adalah, kau masih dapat memilih bus mana yang yang kau inginkan. Adapun mereka yang tidak dapat pindah kendaraan, mereka harus puas dengan bus yang mereka tumpangi sekarang.
SEDIKIT LAGI…
Kadang-kadang lebih baik kau memilih bus yang kau sudah biasa dan kenal daripada mempertaruhkan dirimu dengan kendaraan yang sama sekali asing bagimu.
Tapi sekali lagi … hidup ini menjadi kurang mengasyikkan bila kita tidak berani mengambil resiko.

Ketahuilah, mencari pasangan hidup itu ibarat orang menunggu bus. Ketika bus datang kau mengamatinya lalu berkata dalam hati:
“ Ooh … penuh sekali … aku tidak bisa duduk”. Sebaiknya aku tunggu bus yang lain. Kau biarkan bus itu pergi lalu menunggu bus yang lain.
Bus kedua datang, kau mengamatinya tapi lalu kau berkata:
“ Ooh… bus ini sangat tua … butuh banyak perbaikan ! “ Bus itu kau biarkan pergi lalu kau putuskan untuk menunggu bus berikutnya.
Sejenak kemudian bus berikutnya datang. Bus itu tidak penuh penumpang dan tidak tua. Setelah kau amati, kau berkata:
“ Ooh… tidak ada AC nya, sebaiknya kutunggu bus yang lain “. Lagi-lagi kau biarkan bus itu pergi dan kau menunggu bus yang lain.
Hari mulai petang, langit mulai gelap, kau menjadi panik, akhirnya kau melompat ke dalam bus berikutnya. Setelah bus berjalan, kau baru sadar bahwa kau naik bus jurusan lain.
Kau buang waktu dan uangmu untuk meraih yang kau idamkan. Sesungguhnya, meskipun kau berhasil mendapatkan bus ber-AC, kau tidak bisa memastikan bahwa bus itu tidak akan mogok, atau bisa saja AC-nya terlalu dingin untukmu.
TUNGGU …
Aku yakin kau pernah mengalami peristiwa ini. Kau melihat bus datang ( bus yang kau idamkan, tentu! ) Kau pun segera melambaikan tanganmu.
Tapi … WUSSS … Sang supir ngebut melewatimu. Ia bersikap seakan-akan tidak melihatmu. Kau pun segera sadar, ternyata bus itu tidak diperuntukkan bagimu.
Pada hakekatnya, mencari pasangan adalah seperti mencari bus. Apakah kau akan menumpang dan menghargai bus itu … itu semua kembali kepada dirimu sendiri! Bila kau belum dapat mengambil keputusan, JALANLAH … Jalan memang berarti kau belum memperoleh yang kau idamkan. Namun, sisi baiknya adalah, kau masih dapat memilih bus mana yang yang kau inginkan. Adapun mereka yang tidak dapat pindah kendaraan, mereka harus puas dengan bus yang mereka tumpangi sekarang.
SEDIKIT LAGI…
Kadang-kadang lebih baik kau memilih bus yang kau sudah biasa dan kenal daripada mempertaruhkan dirimu dengan kendaraan yang sama sekali asing bagimu.
Tapi sekali lagi … hidup ini menjadi kurang mengasyikkan bila kita tidak berani mengambil resiko.

Bear with me lang kasi napakahaba nito. Haha. Parang entire relationship namin iku-kwento ko na. I just need to let it all out.
I (26, F) just recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend (29).
Backstory lang -- nagpursigi talaga siyang ligawan ako kahit na ilang beses ko siyang inayawan nung una. Eventually, I fell for him. There's just something about him that was very charming and endearing. In this case din, totoo yung 'he fell first, but she fell harder'. Lol.
Nung una okay naman kami. Like any other normal relationship, may mga away but we always fix things. Usually, the fights were caused (directly or indirectly) by his strong personality. He's egoistic and admittedly, mayabang. Masyadong mataas ang tingin sa sarili. Sure, he did have redeeming qualities pero we weren't really compatible given na I'm the meek and unassuming type of person naman. Still, I accepted those not-so-good traits. Wala, mahal ko na eh. I also always tell myself na despite my imperfections, he still loved and accepted me. Kumbaga, I'm seeing him through rose-colored glasses 'di ko napansing sobrang red flag na pala niya. Haha.
So, our problems started a few months into the relationship. I didn't know or noticed before, pero sobrang alcoholic nya to the point na inuumaga na ng uwi. Wala naman siyang maoy or what and it seemed like mataas lang talaga alcohol tolerance niya so parang 'di nalalasing, so at first, pinagbibigyan ko lang. Sabi nya, yun nalang naman daw ang pahinga nya at enjoyment. So kahit naiinis ako, eventually I got used to letting him be. And there he went, abusing the freedom and leniency I gave him.
Nagsimula yung 'di na siya naga-update 'pag nasa inuman siya with workmates. Nagpapaalam, oo. Alam niyang papayagan ko siya eh. Pero simpleng updates man lang kung ano nang ginagawa niya a few hours after niya magpaalam, or kung pauwi na ba siya, 'di niya kusang gagawin hanggang 'di ko kukulitin. And 'pag dumating na yung point na naiiinis na 'ko sa pinaggagawa niya, ako pa yung masama at di nakakaintindi. Gaslighter amp.
There's this one time na galing siya sa isang event somewhere outside Metro Manila nang isang weekend. He promised na after ng event, he'll visit sa bahay para naman makasama ko siya. I suggested it because I missed him and weekends was the only time we get to spend time together. I have always valued it. So dumating ang 9 pm, 10 pm. Ni ha, ni ho wala. I was crying when he finally picked up my call. Turns out, sa barkada pala dumiretso. Setting my pride aside, I begged him to just stay the night at our house (he sometimes did with my parents' permission). He promised again na he'll do just that so I would stop crying. Still, he broke that promise. Dumating ang 12 am, tinawagan ko yung barkada at yun nga, natulog na lang ang lolo niyo dun. This was probably where all the disrespect started. Pero dahil tanga ako, pinatawad ko at nagpatuloy pa rin ang relationship namin.
A few days naman into our anniversary, we had the biggest fight. Eto talaga 'di ko makakalimutan. So, I started getting jealous of this one girl na he was constantly stalking online. Mestiza si girlie, maganda at sexy. Typical tiktokerist na medyo sikat online, ganun. I didn't want to confront him about it kasi I don't wanna come off as insecure (even though I was feeling that way na deep inside). I'm not unattractive in any way, pero nakakababa naman talaga ng self-confidence yung ganun. So with that in mind, I admittedly started being paranoid 'pag lumalabas na naman siya with friends, especially 'pag may babaeng kasama.
At eto na nga, he was out drinking and I was pestering him with calls kasi 'di na naman macontact. When he finally answered, I heard typical bar noises but what really stood out was a female voice beside him at dun na nagpanting 'yung tenga ko. He ended the call na siya pa 'yung annoyed while there I was, feeling sick to my stomach. I wasn't thinking straight and decided to go where he was. Nag-book ako ng ride against my mom's will dahil gabing-gabi na. Pero I didn't care dahil gusto ko siyang puntahan. I sent him a message na I'll come pick him up para sa bahay nalang siya matulog. Silly me, pagdating ko dun sa bar, wala na sila nung mga kasama niya. Tried calling him a few times, no answer. So I ended up crying alone in 7-eleven like the idiot I was. Lol.
And didn't I say na biggest fight? Kasi it turns out, my mom intervened this time. Seeing me do stupid things and cry my eyes out for this person must have really struck a nerve as a mother. She sent a lengthy message to him, with all the hurtful and insulting things she could probably think of. Natural, nagalit si ex. I woke up seeing his message with a screenshot of my mom's chat and to him being furious and not wanting to talk to me. Despite what he has done the other night, I was the one apologizing. I panicked and went to his house, wanting to reconcile. What shocked me was, he suddenly wanted to end things. I was desperately sobbing, begging him not to leave me. I haven't cried that much my entire life. Stupidly, I even called my mom and asked her to apologize for the things she said. (Looking back, I was really such an asshole to my mom who was only looking out for me). Ang ending, we patched things up. Even celebrated our anniversary. Things we're starting getting back to normal. Or so I thought.
November 2023, he went out drinking again with a friend. Now, I didn't really like this friend of his because he just screams trouble. But because of everything that went down the past few months which almost ruined our relationship, by this time, I already learned to be more compromising and chillax lang sa relationship namin. So I obliged. I woke up at 3 am, no updates. I just had this feeling na something was very wrong. I started getting worried and tried videocalling him numerous times, no answer. A few minutes later, he called (not vc, audio lang), saying na nasa bahay na daw siya at natutulog na. Hindi ako naniwala and tried vc-ing him some more. Nung nakulitan sa'kin, saka lang umaming nasa labas parin kasama netong friend niya. He lied daw para 'di na ko mag-worry at matulog na ulit. 'Di naman daw siya gagawa ng kalokohan. I was so mad but decided to let him be. I have work that day and again, I don't wanna be the overthinkeparanoid type of girlfriend anymore.
The next day, 'di siya nagmessage maghapon. 'Di rin ako kumain maghapon. Nagchat lang siya para magpaalam nalang ulit na a-attend ng birthday party. Tuluyan na 'kong nawalan ng gana all the way through dinner. At dahil dun, I fainted and had to be rushed sa ospital. That's the only time he decided to show up. I don't know if it's out of love or guilt lang talaga, pero he stayed by my side and everything was okay again for a while.
December 2023, few days before Christmas. We were spending time together sa room nya. Nung nakatulog siya, I started getting this nagging urge to check his phone. We knew each other's phone's passwords and at first puro okay lang naman yung mga nakikita ko. Until I stumbled upon this private folder sa gallery niya. There were several files. I just knew I had to see it. With some luck and divine intervention na rin siguro (thank you Lord), I successfully opened the folder. At 'di ko kinaya yung mga nakita ko. Parang gumuho 'yung mundo ko that time and my mind just went blank. In that folder, there were sex videos of him and a woman I don't recognize. Nanginginig yung buong katawan ko at 'di ko na nagawang tapusin lahat ng recordings. Pinaghahampas ko siya habang tulog at pinakita yung nadiscover ko. Dahil wala na siyang lusot, inamin niya lahat. And again dito na naman papasok yung drinking problem niya. Lasing daw siya at 'di niya na alam yung ginagawa niya. Nakilala niya lang daw itong random girl na 'to and they hit it off. Nagbook pa sila ng motel. He said na one night stand lang yun, it doesn't mean anything and walang affection dun. I was having none of it. What's worse was that it happened the same night he went out with that friend and the day before ako na-hospitalize. All this time na inaalagaan niya ko, may tinatago na pala siyang kalokohan.
I thought of leaving his house and coming home, pero I was worried of how my mom would react if she finds out. The I-told-you-so's would have added salt to the wound. So again stupidly, I stayed. I cried my eyes out alone in his room while he went out dahil alam niya daw ayaw ko siyang makita. Lol, damn right. I was in such a bad shape physically, emotionally and mentally and had no one else to talk to. Then, I thought of opening up to this friend/workmate of mine who also knew him and his tendencies. Note that my then boyfriend hated this guy's guts for some reason. I've come to realize, maybe because they're complete opposites in terms of values and principles.
Like any person with common sense, this friend advised na I should think of myself first and with how my then boyfriend is causing me so much pain, I should assess our relationship. That I should think carefully and decide what's right for me. What's frustrating is, looking back to how many times this friend told me to always think of what's best for me, I still went back to my ex again and again. Konting suyo, bibigay agad. I just can't stay mad at him for too long. Nakakatanga nga talaga ang pagmamahal.
January 2024 came and we were still together. I wanted a fresh start and leave all the worst things that happened behind. We decided to finally live together, and again this caused conflict between us and my mom. But I knew deep in my heart that this was all that we needed to keep our relationship from falling apart. Boy, I was so wrong.
The first few months, I was genuinely happy. We still have our fights here and there, but otherwise everything was smooth-sailing. He was still his old alcholic self too, but at least he wasn't being unfaithful. Again, akala ko na naman yun.
Firstly, nakikipagkwentuhan siya sa IG dun sa isang workmate na kilala ko lang sa mukha. Now, I'm not against him having female friends and I even knew some personally and have good relationship with them. Pero this one's just different. With the way their conversation was going, I knew there was something wrong. Too personal and minsan ako pa yung topic. I was uncomfortable with what's happening na kahit wala pa namang ginagawa yung girl, naiirita ako pag nakikita ko siya (for context, we have common friends so we saw each other a few times). When I finally confronted him about it, itinigil naman nya. I thought that was the end of it.
But here comes the hellish final weeks. The first time was nung nahuli ko na naman siyang ini-stalk yung dati niyang kinukursunada (remember the mestiza girl?). He would again say na wala lang yun, lasing lang siya kaya niya sini-search sa socials. Or yung friend niyang may gusto dun yung nang i-stalk gamit yung account niya.
At eto na nga yung di ko kinaya. One day last March, I went home around 11 pm to see him sleeping but almost naked with his private part sticking out of his underwear, with you-know-what spilling out. Obviously, he did that thing men do when they're alone and horny. It was so sick and I was so hurt. I wondered who he was thinking of while doing that. I was so dumbfounded with what he said too when I woke him up. Lalaki pa rin naman daw siya. Like wtf. Ang masakit pa, before ako umuwi, he asked for food kasi di pa daw siya kumakain. Ako naman 'tong si tangang excited bilhan siya ng kini-crave niya na food dahil alam kong matutuwa siya. Ako naman ang kini-crave, appreciation. Nagkanda-dapa dapa pa ko on the way home. Haha. I was feeling so helpless at this point I couldn't do anything but to just cry alone sa CR. Haaay.
One day naman, one of his friends/workmate came over and nag-inom sila until they drop. Imagine the shame and disrespect I felt when he made that guy sleep in the very same room we shared together. I just couldn't take the humiliation he's putting me through and the absurdity of the situation, so I told him I wanted to go home. He just wouldn't understand na babae ako at kahit siguro sino 'di magiging komportable sa ganun. But he wasn't budging and told me to just sleep. Then he just had to ask this question: 'Gusto mo bang makatikim ng ibang lalake?'. I just snapped. Nanginginig buong katawan ko sa galit and I went out. I just had to get out of there. Mukha akong tangang umiiyak in my pajamas pa sa labas ng bahay but I didn't care anymore.
I didn't know sinundan niya ako at nakita niya kong nagbubook ng ride. Inagaw niya yung phone ko and told me he'll just take me home. Pero tapos na daw kami pag umuwi ako. Admittedly, naduwag ako. At that time, I still love him very much. Being my indecisive self, we just sat there by the road, arguing. Me sobbing uncontrollably, him telling me na bakit daw ba ako nakikipag-close dun sa friend/workmate ko (the one who I open up our problems to). At my friend was the reason pala kung bakit tinanong niya yung kadiring tanong na 'yun sakin (kung 'gusto ko daw ba makatikim ng ibang lalake'). I kept reassuring him na he's just a friend, pero all he did was throw insults at this person. Para kaming tangang dalawang nakalupasay sa kalsada sa harap ng bahay nila. In the end, I just decided to stay and sleep no matter how uncomfortable and disgusted I felt. I was so drained and numb.
The final straw was this one time na hindi na naman niya sinasagot yung mga tawag ko after his shift ended. Nung ako na yung nag-out from work (I work 'til late night), I saw that my messages were still left on delivered. De javu, I thought. Tried calling him a few times, 'di pa rin sinagot. I'm halfway home nung nag-chat na siya, saying he was at home the whole time, nag-iinom with workmates. I can smell his bullshit from miles away. Tried confirming sa mga kasama namin sa bahay while nasa byahe ako, at tama nga yung hinala ko, kakauwi palang niya. Once at home, nakita ko na siyang tulog. I checked his phone. At dahil pinalaki ako ni Detective Conan, nalaman ko kung saan talaga siya galing. Sa isang condo. Wala akong ibang kilalang may condo unit kundi yung kinalolokohan niya. At this point, I didn't even cry despite the betrayal. Manhid na 'ko. I just needed for him to tell me the truth. In the end, deny to the max pa rin. Nasa ibang lugar daw siya at kaya lang daw hindi nagpaalam at nagsinungaling ay dahil magagalit ako at mag-aaway kami. That's when I realized I've finally had enough and decided to move out the next day.
It's been more than a month since we broke up. The tables have turned and now he's the one begging. Because of that, I had to go through a lot of relapses and mental breakdown. Part of me aches for him since he has no one else na (he doesn't have any real family members anymore, he does live with his foster family though). Tells me na ako lang kakampi niya pero iniwan ko pa rin siya. Na kasing sakit ng pagkawala ng mother niya yung pag-iwan ko sa kanya. Na his world fell apart when I left and that he now realizes my worth. But the bigger and more rational part of me just wants to let go and have my peace back.
I can also see how the situation is really killing him. I've never seen him so unfocused at work (he takes his job very seriously) to the point na nagbabagsakan talaga performance scores niya. I've never seen him this desperate to win me back na kahit magmukha siyang tanga sa harap ng ibang tao like my work friends, okay lang. I keep on pushing him away and I'm feeling a bit guilty for the pain he's going through right now. I know he deserves it, pero he's on the verge of ruining his life. Kanina lang nalaman kong 'di siya pumasok nung Friday dahil nagpakalasing magdamag.
Sorry na agad sa word vomit but ABYG for leaving him? Sabi kasi nila if you really love someone, you work things out and not give up on each other. I'm afraid that it will just be the same vicious cycle if balikan ko siya (not that I plan to) but I still care for him a lot.
Also, g@g0 rin ba ko for falling out of love kahit one month palang kaming nag-break kasi I'm starting to feel admiration for someone else now? (the very same friend/workmate of mine he hates so much)
TIA sa mga magtitiyagang magbasa at sumagot. It feels good to let it all out.
Edit 1: For typos and clarity. Thank you so much sa insights niyo so far and pag confirm na GG ako kung babalikan ko. Haha.
Edit 2: Appreciate y'all talking some sense into me. I finally blocked him on all socials para wala na talaga kaming connection. I was delaying doing just that for a while now because I still care about him nga and in case lang rin of emergency since nag-iisa na nga siya sa buhay (wala naman kasing pakialam talaga sa kanya yung foster family niya).

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