Why do skittles make my daughter hyper | | Rabbits: the intelligent, loving, and often misunderstood pet

I am a F, 22, I own my own business, my mom and my boyfriend work for me and we work together with my brother who also has a business in the same branch. I cannot even begin to explain the burnout that I feel. I recently had a falling out with the company that I worked with for over 2 years, and since I am currently getting a degree in this profession I kind of depend on the companies that I work for, because they have a person that lends me their license. And it has been hell since the beginning of the year. I can barely make ends meet, I work day and night and I barely eat but I cannot say no to anything my mother or my boyfriend need. I'm ready to drop thousands on things they wanna have, because if I am not mentally able to be there for them at least I can help them out financially, right? I feel like I'm digging my own grave, and I don't dare tell anyone. Everyone has looked at me as a failure my whole life, I have no boundaries, I let people walk all over me and I do not know how to stand up for myself. It is eating me from the inside out. I've always been a polite person and I would rather cut off my own arm than tell someone no. I am so gullible and trusting and I dig myself deeper and deeper each and every day and nobody has any idea. Everyone is telling me I'm too soft, but I am deathly scared to offend someone or to step on other people's shoes. I know it stems from my childhood, I feel like my life is falling apart, yet I do not know where to go to first, what to fix first, what to hold onto... I am so lost, but I fear the look in my mother's eyes, I fear the disapproval, the fear that she will have for both of us, I fear that anger, cause why are you so unable to be cut throat in a situation that requires you to be that way? I am not cut out for this, I wanna give her the world, I want her to have everything, I want her to have a beautiful home, I want her to enjoy her life. Instead she has to worry if we'll have anything to eat by the end of the month. I don't want her to have a daughter that is a failure, a daughter that let's others dictate who she is... I am ashamed of myself. I am scared, I am constantly shaking and I feel like I am at my wits end... I have no one to turn to, I don't want to burden anyone. I was a poor little baby long enough, please help me, tell me, how do I survive in this world? How do I make the people that I love happy?

My daughter Anne has issues and a lot of horrible qualities. But she calls me every day and needs my help with basic tasks because she doesn’t have anybody anymore. No friends, partner, anybody. She had a daughter young. Her name is Sara. She didn’t treat Sara well and it caused problems within the family for years. She would isolate Sara from us the second we said something she didn’t like. But she treated her horrible. I supported her financially by buying essentials, foods, and clothes for her because Anne couldn’t be bothered.
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck she’s treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she can’t take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when she’d get frustrated with her. Sara told me that she’d say things like “The aliens are coming to get you. Goodbye” and lock her bedroom door so Sara can’t get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasn’t spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she won’t even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her “Sara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how you’ll feel in the future” and now she wants to stop talking to me. I’ve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But it’s never enough. She’s taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she won’t know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. It’s unfair that I’m the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For “not taking her out” but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didn’t talk for years. It’s unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.

I started taking zoloft at the age of of 16 from constant over stimulation that had started once i hit puberty at 11 years old. The first few months on zoloft i felt happier than i had ever felt before to a pretty extreme extent. I didnt know this was an odd reaction to ssri’s especially since up to the age of 16 i had never done any drugs. I hadn’t ever even had caffeine before besides the low amount in soda which I rarely ever had. The reason im saying this is because there were nothing in my life i had experienced that was mind altering. This is why i didnt know at the time that i was really, really high on zoloft. Apparently it was obvious to my family who have said it was very obvious something was wrong once I started. I became the most extreme extrovert anyone could ever become. This all lead to me going from a normal 3.0 gpa to graduating with a 1.8 gpa. I became a drug addict in the worst way possible. I had become so impulsive. I went from being a kid who never lies or does anything bad to the guy who lies for no reason. I became a poly addict within months of starting zoloft. I became completely disconnected from not only friends but to my parents as well. This continued for 2 years until i finally stopped taking it at 18. Once i stopped taking zoloft i did a complete 180, well sort of. The addictions i picked up on zoloft for the most part stopped, except for one drug which i still struggle with. That being adderall and vyvanse. Thank the lord i never met anyone with meth during this time. There were other drugs i was addicted too as well while on zoloft like oxycodone, hydrocodone, weed, nicotine, xanax, Klonopin, alcohol and even more. I was addicted to all of these. I couldnt stop thinking about getting high. Its all i thought about. Always thinking of ways to get drugs. My parents had to buy a safe specifically for there prescriptions to keep me from stealing them. Even my own zoloft was in there safe because i would take 4 a day when i was prescribed to take one 50mg. I even abused tylenal(acetaminophen). My parents also couldn’t keep alcohol anywhere in the house since everynight after they went to bed i would search the whole house for it.

 Like i said though once I turned 18 i stopped taking zoloft and just like that all of my hyper focused drug cravings went away, all of them except for amphetamines which i still struggle with today. Also this isnt really related but when i was 19 i tried molly(mdma) with a friend which i had only had gotten because i started abusing amphetamines again which for some reason amphetamines also make me impulsive, but not to the same level as Zoloft though. Anyways when i took the molly, guess what it felt like?! It was literally the exact same head space and just over all feeling i had during the first 6 moths on Zoloft. It felt exactly the same, just it only lasted for a few hourse and made me very umm aroused, and a bit hyped.

Im about to turn 21 in 7 days so it really hasnt been to long since my manic days.
Second time on ssri’s
Right around when i had turned 20 i began getting my first ever panic attacks. Most of them were the normal panic attacks, well normal probably isn’t the right word. I mean most of the attacks i had i could deal with on my own since they all happened at night when i was alone. One night though that changed. This particular night i felt that dreadful anxiety which i had been feeling for the past couple weeks already but it had never gotten to the point where it was too overwhelming for me deal with on my own. I was just laying in bed going to sleep, then it just happened in less than a second i knew i was gonna die. I knew this was it. I couldn’t breathe or i guess i could breathe but for some reason every time i would inhale it was just like i wasn’t idk. That immediate overwhelming feeling of death is the worst pain i hade ever felt. Worse than any physical pain id ever had, well i guess its the worst thing i’ve ever felt period at least at this point in my life. Because of this i went to the doctor. I refused to take ssri’s for it while also really trying to stay away from benzodiazepines for obvious reasons. So i perscribed Buspiron which is kinda in its on catargory. It’s non addictive and its not an antidepressant. So I took it for just about a month. Made me lowkey feel like shit. Constant headaches along with being really hot which is kinda problem since i work physical labor pretty much only outside all while it’s july. So unfortunately the only other option was ssri’s since im still on my parents health insurance my mom would never in a million years allow me take benzodiazepine which is obviously understandable. So i get a script for prozac cause it’s not Zoloft so maybe it’ll be a little different. Boy oh boy was it different. So basically the prozac ended up doing exactly the opposite of what the Zoloft did. I became more depressed than i had ever been by a landslide. Legit would fantasize killing myself. The first two weeks on prozac i would do nothing. Like straight up nothing but think about how amazing it would be to get relief by meeting up with my favorite tree. Eventually it went away for the most part. Then i stopped taking it 3 moths ago, so i was on it for 9 months total. I just felt normal on it for the most part. The only other thing it did that was bothersome was make me a little short tempered.
Ive just been curious if anyone else has experienced something similar to me.

I was considering going no-contact with my family minus a brother I’m close to 3 years ago and was almost out until my father died in a freak accident and I got roped back in. My sister has spent the last 30 years making my life a living hell and my parents never stuck up for me or protected me from her. My mother, now alone, is terrified of her. We had a shitty childhood and all have different survival tactics, but after going to therapy for four years now, I’ve gotten away from those and surround myself with happy, healthy, amazing, supportive people. In regard to family, I keep my distance when I can (living 3.5 hours away helps), but often am the one everyone turns to when shit goes sideways to fix everything, calm people down, figure out what to do next. I’m tired of it, especially now realizing no one does the same for me.
I recently got married and had a 40 person head count, with 38 yeses. After a bunch of random crap, 13 of my 20 invitees flaked 3 days to 2 hours before the party, all of which were very, very close family members including a brother and two of my BILs. Had I known this, with ample timing, I would have invited more friends who WOULD have shown, but due to family taking up so much of the headcount, I couldn’t extend invites to them all. I vented to my mother who said at least I have my sister coming, who I said was only invited since the others were and she has never been nice to me or my husband - which my mother agreed with and said was a self-centered survival thing. I said she should learn a little kindness which would get her far. She despises my husband, who is genuinely as nice as can be, even to a fault. Doesn’t have a bad bone in his body, god bless him. But he supports me and loves me and we do well off each other and thrive, which she doesn’t like. Other siblings have commented on the fact she treats him so poorly when he is nothing but so kind to her.
Come party, 2 hours in and she’s nowhere to be seen. We’re waiting around to cut cakes since her household consisted of 5 people and we didn’t want to have people randomly walk in on it and ruin the photographs, miss the momentous moment, etc. My brother gets in touch with her and relays the message that I’m a monster, I’m childish and horrible and never welcome her to anything and I’m irrelevant and no one likes me which is why everyone bailed on me and I should be embarrassed. The only person I said those things to was my mother (who couldn’t come to party due to health reasons). I spent a majority of my wedding party crying on a fire escape because I was so upset by her words, so upset that everyone bailed, and so upset I didn’t follow my gut inviting other friends who would have come over obligatory family invites. I blocked my sister and her friend who joined in on her meanness. She has taken to emailing and texting me under spoof emails and phone numbers. Calling me irrelevant, embarrassing, disgusting, ugly, childish, greedy, no one showed up because they don’t like me, never been liked, etc.
My mother has spoken to her, but hasn’t reached out to me since the party when I said I was hurt at what she shared in confidence and need to think about what I want from this family anymore. My mother swears she went through her phone and saw the messages, but other parts of her (mothers) story don’t align. My mother historically has victim mindset over everything and could do no wrong. I try to do nothing but support my mother but she can never ever see how she’s in the wrong - ever. For example, she put her electric bill under my name and SS and defaulted on it for years. When I called her out on it after the company started reaching out to me, she said it’s always been like this, I didn’t say anything years ago so what’s the difference now, she’s doing no wrong and if I want her to go without electric and ruin the family then by all means go ahead and shut it off if I want.
I’m hurt, I’m upset. My husband has been amazing, but he doesn’t have any family that we could lean on ever. I’m torn between going fully no contact between my siblings who enable my sister, my mother who is emotionally abusive and enables her and doesn’t protect the rest of us, and calling it a day. Or going no contact with siblings, low contact with my mother, and never returning until they get their shit together and go to therapy. I just don’t know what is best anymore since I know my mom will never stand up to her. Family is all I’ve ever really had outside a close knit group of 3 friends, so it’s hard to go from everything to nothing in the blink of an eye.
Ever since my dad died and my sister took over, I have felt like I don’t have a spot in the family anymore. My sisters best friend of 15 years has always wanted to be apart of our big family since she had a dysfunctional one herself, and joins us on family vacations, Christmas, every waking moment. She is just as bad as my sister, and my sister is her only friend so she bows down to her. Since dad died, it’s like my sister and her friend don’t want me in the family and want to give the bff my daughter spot and to ostracize me. All of this is making me spiral and spiral and spiral. I haven’t been this bad mentally in a really, REALLY long time and it’s triggering me a lot.
I feel like as a woman, I’m held to a different caliber than the others. My brothers could do whatever they damn well please, and they do, and everyone turns a blind eye. With my sister being the oldest, she gets the same treatment. I am overwhelmed with what this family puts me through. My husband doesn’t have any family anymore for us to lean on, spend holidays with, etc. How do you move on? How do you find peace? How do you be okay with the fact nothing will ever change in this dynamic so it’s all or nothing?
FWIW - have an amazing therapist, amazing support group. Am ok, just sad and upset.

I started taking zoloft at the age of of 16 from constant over stimulation that had started once i hit puberty at 11 years old. The first few months on zoloft i felt happier than i had ever felt before to a pretty extreme extent. I didnt know this was an odd reaction to ssri’s especially since up to the age of 16 i had never done any drugs. I hadn’t ever even had caffeine before besides the low amount in soda which I rarely ever had. The reason im saying this is because there were nothing in my life i had experienced that was mind altering. This is why i didnt know at the time that i was really, really high on zoloft. Apparently it was obvious to my family who have said it was very obvious something was wrong once I started. I became the most extreme extrovert anyone could ever become. This all lead to me going from a normal 3.0 gpa to graduating with a 1.8 gpa. I became a drug addict in the worst way possible. I had become so impulsive. I went from being a kid who never lies or does anything bad to the guy who lies for no reason. I became a poly addict within months of starting zoloft. I became completely disconnected from not only friends but to my parents as well. This continued for 2 years until i finally stopped taking it at 18. Once i stopped taking zoloft i did a complete 180, well sort of. The addictions i picked up on zoloft for the most part stopped, except for one drug which i still struggle with. That being adderall and vyvanse. Thank the lord i never met anyone with meth during this time. There were other drugs i was addicted too as well while on zoloft like oxycodone, hydrocodone, weed, nicotine, xanax, Klonopin, alcohol and even more. I was addicted to all of these. I couldnt stop thinking about getting high. Its all i thought about. Always thinking of ways to get drugs. My parents had to buy a safe specifically for there prescriptions to keep me from stealing them. Even my own zoloft was in there safe because i would take 4 a day when i was prescribed to take one 50mg. I even abused tylenal(acetaminophen). My parents also couldn’t keep alcohol anywhere in the house since everynight after they went to bed i would search the whole house for it.

 Like i said though once I turned 18 i stopped taking zoloft and just like that all of my hyper focused drug cravings went away, all of them except for amphetamines which i still struggle with today. Also this isnt really related but when i was 19 i tried molly(mdma) with a friend which i had only had gotten because i started abusing amphetamines again which for some reason amphetamines also make me impulsive, but not to the same level as Zoloft though. Anyways when i took the molly, guess what it felt like?! It was literally the exact same head space and just over all feeling i had during the first 6 moths on Zoloft. It felt exactly the same, just it only lasted for a few hourse and made me very umm aroused, and a bit hyped.

Im about to turn 21 in 7 days so it really hasnt been to long since my manic days.
Second time on ssri’s
Right around when i had turned 20 i began getting my first ever panic attacks. Most of them were the normal panic attacks, well normal probably isn’t the right word. I mean most of the attacks i had i could deal with on my own since they all happened at night when i was alone. One night though that changed. This particular night i felt that dreadful anxiety which i had been feeling for the past couple weeks already but it had never gotten to the point where it was too overwhelming for me deal with on my own. I was just laying in bed going to sleep, then it just happened in less than a second i knew i was gonna die. I knew this was it. I couldn’t breathe or i guess i could breathe but for some reason every time i would inhale it was just like i wasn’t idk. That immediate overwhelming feeling of death is the worst pain i hade ever felt. Worse than any physical pain id ever had, well i guess its the worst thing i’ve ever felt period at least at this point in my life. Because of this i went to the doctor. I refused to take ssri’s for it while also really trying to stay away from benzodiazepines for obvious reasons. So i perscribed Buspiron which is kinda in its on catargory. It’s non addictive and its not an antidepressant. So I took it for just about a month. Made me lowkey feel like shit. Constant headaches along with being really hot which is kinda problem since i work physical labor pretty much only outside all while it’s july. So unfortunately the only other option was ssri’s since im still on my parents health insurance my mom would never in a million years allow me take benzodiazepine which is obviously understandable. So i get a script for prozac cause it’s not Zoloft so maybe it’ll be a little different. Boy oh boy was it different. So basically the prozac ended up doing exactly the opposite of what the Zoloft did. I became more depressed than i had ever been by a landslide. Legit would fantasize killing myself. The first two weeks on prozac i would do nothing. Like straight up nothing but think about how amazing it would be to get relief by meeting up with my favorite tree. Eventually it went away for the most part. Then i stopped taking it 3 moths ago, so i was on it for 9 months total. I just felt normal on it for the most part. The only other thing it did that was bothersome was make me a little short tempered.
Ive just been curious if anyone else has experienced something similar to me.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/evastraea posting in AmItheAsshole
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022

AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?

I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.

Comments

Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says “you’re not like my other kids” like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. I’m sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.

SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?

QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didn’t once think, hey what about youngest?

SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didn’t think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?

Update - 6 days later

Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).

Comments

aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.

Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesn’t make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and you’re not always able to “make up for it”. OP didn’t do this to hurt her daughter and it’s weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.

Comment from OOP

When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward

Comments

Rice-Correct
You’re a good mom. It might’ve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like you’ve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and you’re a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!

sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I started taking zoloft at the age of of 16 from constant over stimulation that had started once i hit puberty at 11 years old. The first few months on zoloft i felt happier than i had ever felt before to a pretty extreme extent. I didnt know this was an odd reaction to ssri’s especially since up to the age of 16 i had never done any drugs. I hadn’t ever even had caffeine before besides the low amount in soda which I rarely ever had. The reason im saying this is because there were nothing in my life i had experienced that was mind altering. This is why i didnt know at the time that i was really, really high on zoloft. Apparently it was obvious to my family who have said it was very obvious something was wrong once I started. I became the most extreme extrovert anyone could ever become. This all lead to me going from a normal 3.0 gpa to graduating with a 1.8 gpa. I became a drug addict in the worst way possible. I had become so impulsive. I went from being a kid who never lies or does anything bad to the guy who lies for no reason. I became a poly addict within months of starting zoloft. I became completely disconnected from not only friends but to my parents as well. This continued for 2 years until i finally stopped taking it at 18. Once i stopped taking zoloft i did a complete 180, well sort of. The addictions i picked up on zoloft for the most part stopped, except for one drug which i still struggle with. That being adderall and vyvanse. Thank the lord i never met anyone with meth during this time. There were other drugs i was addicted too as well while on zoloft like oxycodone, hydrocodone, weed, nicotine, xanax, Klonopin, alcohol and even more. I was addicted to all of these. I couldnt stop thinking about getting high. Its all i thought about. Always thinking of ways to get drugs. My parents had to buy a safe specifically for there prescriptions to keep me from stealing them. Even my own zoloft was in there safe because i would take 4 a day when i was prescribed to take one 50mg. I even abused tylenal(acetaminophen). My parents also couldn’t keep alcohol anywhere in the house since everynight after they went to bed i would search the whole house for it.

 Like i said though once I turned 18 i stopped taking zoloft and just like that all of my hyper focused drug cravings went away, all of them except for amphetamines which i still struggle with today. Also this isnt really related but when i was 19 i tried molly(mdma) with a friend which i had only had gotten because i started abusing amphetamines again which for some reason amphetamines also make me impulsive, but not to the same level as Zoloft though. Anyways when i took the molly, guess what it felt like?! It was literally the exact same head space and just over all feeling i had during the first 6 moths on Zoloft. It felt exactly the same, just it only lasted for a few hourse and made me very umm aroused, and a bit hyped.

Im about to turn 21 in 7 days so it really hasnt been to long since my manic days.
Second time on ssri’s
Right around when i had turned 20 i began getting my first ever panic attacks. Most of them were the normal panic attacks, well normal probably isn’t the right word. I mean most of the attacks i had i could deal with on my own since they all happened at night when i was alone. One night though that changed. This particular night i felt that dreadful anxiety which i had been feeling for the past couple weeks already but it had never gotten to the point where it was too overwhelming for me deal with on my own. I was just laying in bed going to sleep, then it just happened in less than a second i knew i was gonna die. I knew this was it. I couldn’t breathe or i guess i could breathe but for some reason every time i would inhale it was just like i wasn’t idk. That immediate overwhelming feeling of death is the worst pain i hade ever felt. Worse than any physical pain id ever had, well i guess its the worst thing i’ve ever felt period at least at this point in my life. Because of this i went to the doctor. I refused to take ssri’s for it while also really trying to stay away from benzodiazepines for obvious reasons. So i perscribed Buspiron which is kinda in its on catargory. It’s non addictive and its not an antidepressant. So I took it for just about a month. Made me lowkey feel like shit. Constant headaches along with being really hot which is kinda problem since i work physical labor pretty much only outside all while it’s july. So unfortunately the only other option was ssri’s since im still on my parents health insurance my mom would never in a million years allow me take benzodiazepine which is obviously understandable. So i get a script for prozac cause it’s not Zoloft so maybe it’ll be a little different. Boy oh boy was it different. So basically the prozac ended up doing exactly the opposite of what the Zoloft did. I became more depressed than i had ever been by a landslide. Legit would fantasize killing myself. The first two weeks on prozac i would do nothing. Like straight up nothing but think about how amazing it would be to get relief by meeting up with my favorite tree. Eventually it went away for the most part. Then i stopped taking it 3 moths ago, so i was on it for 9 months total. I just felt normal on it for the most part. The only other thing it did that was bothersome was make me a little short tempered.
Ive just been curious if anyone else has experienced something similar to me.

Even if you don’t speak the first time, just being with other people who can understand you will help.
First
Previous
You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Memory Transcription Subject: Billy Marsh, Dirt
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 29, 2142
Why the hell couldn’t I get rid of Gillab? I wanted him gone, he was ruining everything, and he is even technically trespassing in my house. I could easily get him removed with a simple nine-one-one call, so why couldn’t I just do it? Is there something else wrong with my head? Another problem I needed to deal with?
I wish I had some alcohol. Something to take my mind off of this. The memories were starting to come back more and more as well, last night was the worst sleep I have had in a while. The night terrors I once kept away with liquor had returned, something that scared Gillab half to death. He said that I was screaming bloody murder in my sleep, but just like every other time I’ve had a night terror, I couldn’t even remember a single detail.
But that didn’t matter now, what did was trying to give a decent first impression. I don’t know why, it’s not like I care, but I found myself wanting to look halfway presentable for the veterans’ meetup. Maybe I didn’t want others to waste their time worrying about me. Yeah, that was it. They shouldn’t need to worry about dirt like me. Still, I promised to ‘go through the motions,’ so here I was.
I didn’t really know how to describe the building, it almost looked like a warehouse. Short and wide, from the outside one would assume it was just another warehouse, but the inside had been turned into a community center. It was probably just another one of the overbuilt buildings that had been repurposed. There were tones of those around as architects and city planners would miscalculate how many of a certain type of building were needed. Many places were repurposed, this was just another.
I stopped at the door and looked over to Gillab. “This isn’t going to do anything. I’m just wasting time here.”
“No, you aren’t. Even if you don’t realize it, you are healing. Even just walking around outside of your house and eating a half-decent meal has helped, I can see that. You aren’t nearly as angry today as you were yesterday. Now go on, while you are doing this I’m going to run some errands for you. You need real food in your house.”
“Don’t bother, I don’t know how to cook.”
“Then we will learn. I don’t know how to cook Human food either. Kirala is the chef of the house.”
I thought to ask who Kirala was, but bit my tongue. I’m not supposed to care. “Whatever, I’m going in now.”
“See you soon Billy.”
I shut the door behind me and took stock of the room around me. It was a waiting area complete with inoffensive paintings and beige seats. At the opposite end of the room was a woman sitting behind a counter, typing away on a computer. Taking a deep breath, I walked up to talk to her.
“Hello, uhm, I’m here for the veterans’ group therapy session.”
“Oh course, that’ll be down that hall. Room number three, it should be on your left.”
I tried to stop bouncing my leg. “Thank you.”
I didn’t wait for a response and started down the hall, feeling a pit grow more and more in my stomach. What if this goes wrong? What if I just cause more problems? What if I ruin more people’s lives? What if I just make it worse?
I stopped in front of the door, my leg bouncing constantly. This was wrong, I shouldn’t be here. I’m unhelpable, I should just leave. Gillab said he was running errands, he wouldn’t even know that I skipped it.
The pit in my stomach began clearing as I turned away, but I couldn’t even take a single step before I stopped.
No, that’s wrong. I made a promise to Gillab, so I have to do this. Not for me, but for him. Even if I’m useless, I should still respect others.
But I could just lie, he wouldn’t know any better.
But what if he finds out?
Getting chewed out later is much easier than going through with this.
Isn’t this supposed to help though?
Do you think I deserve help?
Why… why shouldn’t I?
Because of what I’ve done. Who I've hurt. Who I have killed. The lives I have ruined trying to help them. If I was anything other than dirt, I could have saved so many more and ruined so few. Now stop stalling, and walk-
“Do you need help, sir?”
My heart plummeted and the bouncing immediately started. I turned around nervously, trying to form a single cohesive thought. A man was standing halfway in the doorway.
Don’t bother him, just say that I’m in the wrong spot.
“Uhh… N-”
My voice caught in my throat, almost causing me to cough.
“Y-yes. Is this the v-veterans’ therapy thing?”
Why did I say that?
The man stepped out of the doorway, a small smile now on his face. “Yep, this is it. You must be Billy, right? Charlotte told me that you were going to start showing up. I’m Richard, and yes, my friends call me Dick.”
Richard stuck out his hand. I stared at it for a split second before realizing I needed to shake it. As I did, I realized that it felt wrong. It was too tough to be a normal Human hand, it was almost like metal.
I looked up from the hand. “Y-you’re an amputee too?”
Richard smiled widely. “Sure am. Lost it on Sillis to an Arxur. I can see - feel - that you lost an arm as well.”
“Yeah… I’d prefer n-not to talk about it.”
Richard lost his smile, but not his courtesy. “I understand. I wasn’t able to even look at mine for a long time. Quite a few were just as unfortunate as us, a number of them come to these sessions as well. Would you like to step in? I was only going to leave to grab some refreshments.”
“S-sure. Yeah. I’ll find a seat.”
“Great, I’ll be right back.”
Richard departed for the end of the hall, leaving me standing awkwardly in front of the door. I could feel the pit begin to grow again and my leg started to bounce furiously.
Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes?
I’m in too deep now to back out, all I can do is go through the motions. It’s just motions. Just another step. One more breath. That’s all I have to do.
I stepped into the room, keeping my head lowered the entire time. There were three other people in the room, chatting idly with one another. Two Humans were chatting together, only briefly pausing to glance at me before starting right back up. The Venlil looked up from his phone and patted the seat next to himself, inviting me to sit next to him.
I sighed internally and made my way over, not wanting to set myself apart as the outcast. The Venlil watched me sit and only started talking when I was settled in. “Hi, I’m Tunek.”
I gave him a short nod, looked away, and realized I was supposed to give my own name. “I-I’m Billy.”
Tunek watched my hand for a moment, before leaning back in his chair. “So, is this your first time being at one of these?”
I nodded quickly. “Yes. I’m only here because of a friend.”
Tunek nodded. “Hey, as long as it gets you here. Just taking the first step is all it takes to start the journey. I stole that from Dick, but don’t tell him I said that.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
Tunek tilted his head in concern and moved to respond, but Richard returned just before he could speak. “Alright, I’m back with the waters and the snacks, why don’t we all grab one before we start?”
Everyone but me left their spot to grab something from the cooler that Richard brought back. The two Humans returned to their seats with some water and a cereal bar each, but Tunek hesitated when he started to return. He took a step, paused when he saw me, and turned back to grab another water and snack bar. He must have been hungry.
I looked down at myself as he walked back. Even if I was hungry, I didn’t deserve something to eat. My suffering was my punishment for what I had done and what I had failed to do. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t deserve to get better. I’m just dirt, I should just-
“Here you go.”
I looked up to see Tunek handing me a bottle of water and a piece of fruit leather. Tentatively, I reached out and grabbed them. “How’d you know I was hungry?”
Tunek shrugged. “A hunch. It’s a little early for dinner and a bit after lunch and I figured I would be peckish around this time so you might be as well.”
I set the water bottle to the side and peeled open the fruit leather. “Thanks…”
“No problem.”
Richard took a sip of his water as I took my first bite, setting the bottle aside as he began to speak. “Alighty, now that everyone has something to keep them awake, I can start talking. As you might have noticed, we have a new member joining us today. So why don’t we all introduce ourselves? John, do you want to start with a name and a little about yourself?”
The man with short, brown-blonde hair sat up straight. “Sure, I’ll get this started. I’m John, I served the UN for four years before we made first contact, but only served for one after. I’m an only father, but I like to think that my wife is looking down from heaven trying to guide me. However, with how old Rachel is, it feels less like guiding and more strength-giving. Oh, and I hate the taste of lemons. I think that’s about it.”
The mention of lemons caused my stomach to tie itself in a knot. James always hated the taste of lemons. Just another reminder of how useless I am.
The man to the left of John smiled. “I guess it’s my turn. My name is Carter. I served the UN for three years until I was discharged for repeated disorderly conduct. I was in a bad spot for a while, but with the help of Dick here I got out of it. Well, start getting out of it. I still have some… flare-ups, but that’s why I’m here.”
Carter smiled, but it was sad. Tunek let him have his moment of silence, encouraging the veteran to be with his emotions for a moment, before starting his own introduction. “Well, I guess you already know my name, but for the sake of completion, I’ll say it again. I’m Tunek. I served the Venlil Space Force for around one Earth year before first contact, where I served with the UN until the conflict with the Yulpa on Grenelka. I… well… after that I couldn’t serve anymore. Something else… I’ve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument properly, but never had the drive to do it. That’s about it for me. Dick, since you were so kind to leave yourself for last, I think it’s your turn.”
Richard chuckled. “Yeah, I guess it is. Well, like I said earlier, my name is Richard, but don’t be afraid to call me Dick. I come from a military family and have always known the dangers of signing up, but that didn’t stop me. I didn’t realize that the war was affecting me until Milieu. Then and there I knew what needed to be done. Once the war was over, I went straight to work creating this.”
Richard paused for a moment to catch his breath. ”I knew that therapists were going to be swamped and many veterans were going to be left behind, so I took what little experience and knowledge I had with my military family and used it to help as many as I could. So now I meet with tons of veterans throughout the week to help them adjust to civilian life and overcome their internal struggles. I’m glad that you have joined us today and hope that we give a good first impression.”
I wasn’t ready for him to stop talking and scrambled to get my words out. “Y-yeah. So far everyone seems nice.”
“Well, if it’s good for you then it’s good for me. With that all out of the way, why don’t we jump right in? I’m not the type to beat around the bush. Let’s start with a simple recap of the week. How have you all been this last week? Any wins, losses, jumps, or setbacks? Remember, there’s no judgment here. We are all suffering together, but we heal together as well.”
The room was silent for a moment, everyone looking for someone else to start the chain, before Carter spoke up. “I guess I’ll go first, if you’ll let me.”
Richard sat down. “Of course Carter, whenever you are ready.”
Carter nodded and propped himself up on his elbows. “I, uh… I had another meltdown, on Wednesday. It came out of nowhere. Happened in the middle of the supermarket, I thought I was… I managed to make it home in time before it really started, but just barely. I was hardly in my room before I started bawling. I… I feel so alone sometimes. I can be in the middle of the supermarket and feel like I’ve been stranded on an island alone f-for years. I m-miss them so much. Y-you all have made it easier, but sometimes… Sometimes it’s too much.”
John placed a hand on Carter’s back and Richard offered a concerned look. “If you ever feel like that, feel free to call me.”
Carter sniffled and wiped away a forming tear. “I know, I know. You’ve told me before, and I almost did, but I thought that you wouldn’t need me bothering you in the middle of the day.”
“Carter, you know I would drop anything to come to your help. Only me dying could stop me.”
Carter leaned back in his chair and laughed even as he wiped away another tear. “Thank you, Dick, but please don’t go dying. You’re too nice for that.”
Richard smiled. “I don’t plan on it anytime soon, Carter. I still have so many more people to help.”
After a moment of silence, John took the initiative and started his own story. “I had a pretty big win this last week. I finally made it through a whole week without having suicidal thoughts.”
Richard smiled widely. “That's wonderful! I told you that you were making progress.”
“I know, but sometimes I feel like I have no purpose anymore. It’s overwhelming. My daughter is old enough to care for herself, I’m only working a menial labor job, I can’t find any hobbies to enjoy… I feel like nothing.”
“But you aren’t ‘nothing,’ you are you. And there is only one of you. I can’t go out and find another John, or another Carter, or Tunek, or Billy. You are all unique, and losing you would be a tragedy.”
Before I could stop myself, I spoke. “Am I really worth saving?”
Everyone went silent for a moment, caught off guard by my words. After Richard deciphered the sudden question, he gave a response with absolute certainty. “Absolutely. There is nothing in this world that can’t be forgiven or overcome.”
“Are you sure? After the things I’ve done… forget I said anything.”
Richard shook his head. “I can’t do that, Billy. I can’t willingly ignore someone in need.”
“I don’t need help. I’m getting exactly what I deserve for what I have done.”
“And what have you done?”
“I… I don’t want to talk about it.”
Richard sighed. “That’s okay, for now. Eventually, you will have to come to terms with it, but for now, you can just listen if you want to.”
“Yeah. I think I’m just going to listen.”
I leaned back and crossed my arms, letting Tunek speak his mind. “I think I know what you are going through. Not the specifics, but I think I can get a general idea.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
Tunek was silent for a moment, before looking away from me and speaking. “I was on the Cradle when it fell, and on Sillis when the Arxur raided it, and on Milieu fighting off the Kolshians. I tried to save as many people as I could, but in the end, I could only make their passing less painful. I couldn’t even save my partner. I froze in the moment. I could have saved him. But I was frozen in fear. His death is entirely on my shoulders. I’m still fighting that to this day.”
I stared at Tunek for a second, before turning away and sighing. They didn’t know what I was going through, no one could. They didn’t know my crimes, if they did they would kick me out. Their problems, no matter how real, were nothing compared to mine. They still could be helped, I couldn’t.
Could I? If all these people could heal, why couldn’t I?
Because my crimes are too severe.
I… yeah…

My daughter is turning 5 in July. I left her dad when she wasn't one yet.
We managed to co parent relatively okay. He's not an easy man to deal with, but somehow we were both able to out our daughter's needs first and to work together for her sake.
After the split he moved an hour away. As a result of this he only saw her every other weekend. She would spend two nights at his and then be back with me for 12 days.
This past summer we tried splitting the holidays 50/50 for the first time,with her being one week at his and one week at mine alternately. She didn't like being away from me that long and would tell me she didn't want to go to her dad. This last year she hasn't e even wanted to go for the weekends. He makes her do homework she's not yet ready for and teaches her in a very old school classical way that isnysuited to her age. When I ask her why she doesn't want to go to her dad's she states this as the reason as well as that she prefers being with me.
I want her to have a relationship with her dad so for me there's never been any discussion about her not going. He loves her, he's just clueless about children's psychological make up and child development in general.
However my partner and I moved in together and now my daughter's father is in a rage.
He refused all constructive communication, will only yell and ne and accuse me if ridiculous things that have no basis in reality.
He wants me to remain single until she's at least 10 and us furious that I'm not complying with this demand.
He's always refused to have a custody agreement and I've gone along with it to keep the peace.
However the peace is gone now anyway and now he wants to keep her with him a whole month this summer. In my opinion and in the opinion of all child psychologists I know of this is way too long for her to be separated from me.
I'm wondering what the arrangements of parents with children aged 4-5 are for the holidays?
One month is out of the question, but week / week does make it hard for him to take her somewhere. I think if he takes her on holiday she will have fun and two weeks with him might be possible without it being too traumatizing for her. But I'm unsure. This is more so he has a chance to take her on holiday really.
Any input is very welcome.

My daughter Anne has issues and a lot of horrible qualities. But she calls me every day and needs my help with basic tasks because she doesn’t have anybody anymore. No friends, partner, anybody. She had a daughter young. Her name is Sara. She didn’t treat Sara well and it caused problems within the family for years. She would isolate Sara from us the second we said something she didn’t like. But she treated her horrible. I supported her financially by buying essentials, foods, and clothes for her because Anne couldn’t be bothered.
Anne has struggled with mental illness since she was a teenager and I had to get her hospitalized twice. When Sara was growing up, it took over her. She was a neurotic control freak. Controlled how often she showered (Not letting her every day) Hid and monitored the food in the house. And we got into multiple arguments and screaming matches about Anne being odd about things. Such as not letting Sara sleep on her bed or eat at the dinner table because of her OCD fear of messes. She made her sleep and eat on the floor for years.
Every time I saw this, I yelled at my daughter and asked her why the fuck she’s treating her like that. I came over their place one evening when Sara was about 10-11, and she was screaming on the hallway floor scratching herself saying she can’t take her mother anymore. I took her out of the house for a week, and my heart broke for her.
As a toddler, I heard Sara screaming for somebody to help her. We all lived together. She would put Sara in dark hallways, closets, scare her with the dark when she’d get frustrated with her. Sara told me that she’d say things like “The aliens are coming to get you. Goodbye” and lock her bedroom door so Sara can’t get in. All I heard was screaming all the time. My daughter screams daily.
She tore her down about her looks, body, everything. When she moved out at 18, she came to my house insecure and lost.
She hasn’t spoke to Anne in over a year. It makes holidays impossible. Because I love my granddaughter. And want to see her. But she won’t even be in the same room as her mother.
And I told her “Sara, I had to forgive my mother and it freed me. You will forgive her. For yourself. You never know how you’ll feel in the future” and now she wants to stop talking to me. I’ve never excused what my daughter did. I condemned her all the time.
I did everything for her. Bought her what she needed. Took her out of the house growing up when I could. Fought endlessly with my daughter. But it’s never enough. She’s taking it out on her grandmother. I did everything I could for her. I would never excuse what my daughter did. But I remind her sometimes that life can change, and she won’t know how she feels years down the road. Nobody knows what to do in situations like this. It’s unfair that I’m the one getting blamed and forced to chose between my granddaughter, my daughter, and her other kids. I speak to my daughter still because she will use the other kids as leverage and isolate them from me.
Sara blames her whole family. Me, her dead aunt, and her uncles. For “not taking her out” but they did not know the extent of what was going on. Her uncle (my son) loves her. Always has. But Anne kept her away because the two of them didn’t talk for years. It’s unfair to blame people who love you, and did the most they could with a messed up sick situation.

I F24 messed up everything. I’ve been with my partner M35 for almost 3 years. I know the age difference is big, but in his defence I lied about my age on the dating app so that I could meet older men. He knew from the first date and decided to still give it a try. Anyways, we’ve always been perfect. Never a single argument, we always resolve everything. He’s bought a new flat and is waiting for the keys, which should’ve happened weeks ago but solicitors are awful. For the last 2-3 months we’ve been living at my mums house as he had to move out quickly of his old flat due to a crazy roommate and my mum was more than happy to have him here. This is where the issues started. My mum is very dependant on me emotionally, more than what is healthy, so is my younger sister. I’ve been struggling to be a daughter and a girlfriend. I’ve been feeling suffocated etc, whatever.
Anyways, thoughts started running through my mind about the relationship and doubts, I’ve never moved in with a man before, what if it all becomes a shit show? We usually have sex everyday but that’s been difficult at my mums. We always reconnect with each other through sex and without it, we’ve been tense. So to the cheating- he went on a business trip for 2 weeks. I meet up with friends on a weekly basis for an activity. I’d like to say my partner and I are very flirty with everyone, it’s just how we are together and separately. My friends know this and we always have a little flirt. It’s 2 girls and 1 guy. When we travel for dinner after our activity, the two girls go together as they’re closer and I go with the guy, someone I’ve known since I was 5. We were always flirty as kids and teens but were never close or anything. Anyways, in the car he kisses me and after a while I kiss back. I really enjoyed it, we were flirty all night. I knew it was wrong but it felt so good to have something new and exciting. I didn’t want him, I knew he wouldn’t be as good as my partner or anywhere near as fun, but for some reason I loved it. For the rest of the week I was excited about it. I don’t know why, I’m young and dumb and then it hit me how bad it all was. It wasn’t just a kiss, it was quite passionate, there was grabbing and touching and afterwards flirty messages that I’ve had to delete out of disgust and guilt.
The guilt is eating me alive. I know I need to tell him but I don’t know how. It’s his birthday in 2 days, we have a huge party on the weekend. Regardless of that, how do I tell him while he’s still living at my mums? What if he wants to go somewhere else, where will he go? I don’t know how he’ll react. He loves me so much. I love him so much, but clearly I lack respect. I can’t even use the drunk excuse as I was sober when I was texting the days after. Do I wait until he gets the new flat so he can make the decision to leave and have his own space? He’s my best friend, my confidant, my comedian, my sexy man, my home, and i fucked it all for what? A passionate kiss to make me forget my living situation?
This is no excuse, but it has been hard at home. My mum goes through a lot, I am basically a second parent to my sister who is now experimenting with drugs, things aren’t easy and I always went to my boyfriends as an escape at times. I think I went crazy without that escape and made a stupid mistake. The worst part is that I enjoyed the thrill when it happened. I’m so angry at myself. I still get butterflies for my boyfriend, I’ve been thrilled enough. Now I can’t believe I’ve done something to hurt him. I feel it’s best to not tell him and move on but at the same time it’s eating me alive and he needs to know so he can decide what to do. He’s said in the past he’d forgive me for cheating (it was a weird topic we were on) but I can’t hold him to that. I have to tell him, but when? How? If he does forgive me, how do I forgive myself? I can’t imagine him looking at me differently. I’ve been acting weird for weeks because I feel I don’t deserve him, and I don’t. He makes these grand gestures of his love, he genuinely loves me so so much and I’m about to ruin it all.. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m descending into madness, all deserved, but I want it to stop. Please help me
TLDR- I doubted my relationship with my partner of almost 3 years and kissed an old friend, it’s eating me alive. Don’t know how to tell my bf as we are both currently living in my mother’s house until he gets his flat keys.

My younger SIL (lets call her B) just gave birth last year and I helped out a lot sebab dia ni takde suami. When she couldnt calm her newborn baby, i took over and said to her, “i understand how challenging this is, dont worry im here to help you. Dulu i pun ‘koyak’ juga lah masa jaga newborn sbb penat sgt and first time mom kan”. Then B with a straight face replied, “oh i takdelah koyak sebab anak kan. Kenapa i nak koyak dgn anak sendiri”. Well u should’ve said that to your face B bcs i always saw you lose it when your baby is cranky. How dare you guilt tripping me for not coming over to see u n your baby when i actually only went back to my parents house. Mcm aku ni tkde keje lain je nak mengadap kau.
I wont be like this if you were grateful enough for your family for accepting and helping and supporting you through your journey even though what you did was really really bad. You gave birth at a private hosp, your baby gets her monthly checkup at that same private hosp, your mom tanggung both of you 100% from your car loan to your baby’s diapers and milk. Your brother (my husband) took one for all by saying to our relatives that the baby is our adopted child even though its ridiculous bcs the baby looks exactly like you.
But you are still like your old self. Arrogant, entitled, spoiled and tak reti jaga mulut. You scolded me for breastfeeding your baby even though ive asked permission and its for the baby’s own good. You shamelessly go out and about bringing your baby everywhere. I said this bcs it invites question from people around us and my husband has to lie. Sometimes, when my husband’s friends came over and B happens to be there with her baby, she would suddenly come near to my husband while holding her baby over to my husb and said, “hi daddy”. Of course member husb aku pelik and tanya eh ni anak siapa? You even had the audacity to marah everyone including me sebab lambat uruskan your placenta. My BIL snapped and scolded you and then you went ahead and cried to your mom. So what did your mom do? Of course she called all of your siblings and gave them a scolding for making you cry. Except my husband sbb aku awal2 dah message dkt MIL explaining that we genuinely forgot about the placenta and we kept it safe, and you B dont need to marah2 everyone bcs we also have our plates full. FYI, the siblings tak kesian dkt B’s situation sbb ni bukan first time dia buat benda tu. Cumanya this time terpregnant.
B lives with my MIL. She dont have a job and her income is from my MIL. I dont give a damn about all those special treatment and privilege that she has. But when it comes to my baby, i would give a whole lot of damn ye. My 2yo baby dah tak rapat dgn my MIL ever since B gave birth. Im sad to see they no longer have the bond that they used to have but i decided to distance myself from B for the sake of my mental peace. Distancing from B means distancing from my MIL as well.
But B has crossed the line so so many times that i have to do this. One time, my husb asked B to watch our baby while we both were working. All of us were outside at the time. MIL was holding B’s baby so B was free to watch over my baby. About 10mins or so we suddenly couldnt hear our baby’s voice. Rupanya B tak jaga pun anak aku and she lost my baby. My mind went blank at the time. I just followed where my feet goes and thank god i immediately found my baby. Not a single apology came out of her mouth. Aku jaga anak kau mcm anak sendiri ye tapi kau buat anak aku mcm ni. My baby fell ill later that night sbb i think she was traumatised when she got lost. The next day B accidentally spilled my husb’s drink and she politely said, sorry sebab tertumpahkan air abg. Wah kau hilangkan ank aku tak pandai pulak nk mintak maaf.
There was one time B was so proud of her 5months baby at the time sebab kaki baby dia kuat, boleh tegakkan kaki. She said, “kaki my baby kuat betul lah kuat sgt utk umur dia. Tak macam your baby kan masa 5 bulan your baby lembik2 lagi kan?” Ughh aku lah kan masa tu rasa nak tumbuk je muka kau. Then i said, eh takdelah. Anak i 5 bulan dah pandai lompat2 dah dlm jumper tu”. Then later that evening i posted a story from my archive from when my baby was 5months old and she was jumping cheerfully in the jumperoo. Hahah puas hati aku. Aku tak pernah kisah kau nak bangga2 kan anak kau tapi tak perlu lah nak downkan or comparekan dgn anak org lain. Byk lagi lah kejadian2 compare ni berlaku. Mcm makcik bawang dah perangai kau.
Recently, we stayed at a hotel in a family room. Anak aku tak suka sgt dkt baby si B ni. If the baby cry, my daughter will cry too. If the baby scream, my daughter will scream too. Shes just uncomfortable around the baby. Imagine lah the chaos when both of them are in the same room. Tapi last2 anak aku jugak yg kena marah sbb tantrum padahal ank dia yg punca. My baby, husband and MIL went out first so B and i and her baby checked out later. I jokingly said haa senang sikit nak kemas kalau tak ada dua2 baby serentak. Then B said, “oh my baby takde masalah, senang je nak jaga, tak kuat nangis, baik and dengar kata”. Eh ank kau tu baru 10bulan mana pandai nk tantrum lagi tapi susah jugak nk buat kerja sbb nak kena pegang je. Well, lets see when your daughter turns 2 agak2 anak kau ok ke tak. Later that day when my baby was napping in her stroller, B suddenly said, “anak u tido baru nampak dia baik”, then she laughed. Erghh kau nk mengata anak aku pulak.
She used to bodyshame my baby saying my baby is kurus sangat lah and my MIL pun ckp ank aku kurus lah kesian lah tak makan lah. EXCUSE ME, anak aku ni tinggi mcm bapak dia and kurus mcm mak dia. Her weight is normal, tak pernah turun pun berat dia since lahir. And she didnt seem kurus to me and everyone else pun. Aku dah tak tahan aku post an angry stroy dkt ig abt ppl yg suka mengata badan ank org. Since then dia slow down psal badan ank aku. Last2 MIL bgtahu aku yg berat badan anak B turun 400gram. Thats a lot ye for an infant. Puncanya easy je, B didnt cook real food for her baby. Her main meal is cerelac and biscuits. Sometimes i prepare food for her baby and B mcm tak suka bila MIL puji baby suka makanan aku bagi tu. B rasa mcm tercabar. She was like, “sempat eh u masak. Oh lupa u kan mmg duduk rumah tak kerja”. Like i care? Dah anak kau lapar pstu kau pulak kata busy lah tak sempat lah.
Actually byk je lagi benda menyakitkan hati jadi but cukup lah ni je. My MIL got so upset that my daughter taknak dekat dia lagi dah. Im not responsible for that. Kalau dulu u always come over to my house to see your grandchild why now tak boleh dah? Im not gonna put myself through the emotional torture by being around B a lot. It comes with a price but thats what best for me.

I suspect my sister is narcissistic with enabling parents. I was considering going no-contact with my family minus a brother I’m close to 3 years ago and was almost out until my father died in a freak accident and I got roped back in. My sister has spent the last 30 years making my life a living hell and my parents never stuck up for me or protected me from her. My mother, now alone, is terrified of her. We had a shitty childhood and all have different survival tactics, but after going to therapy for four years now, I’ve gotten away from those and surround myself with happy, healthy, amazing, supportive people. In regard to family, I keep my distance when I can (living 3.5 hours away helps), but often am the one everyone turns to when shit goes sideways to fix everything, calm people down, figure out what to do next. I’m tired of it, especially now realizing no one does the same for me.
I recently got married and had a 40 person head count, with 38 yeses. After a bunch of random crap, 13 of my 20 invitees flaked 3 days to 2 hours before the party, all of which were very, very close family members including a brother and two of my BILs. Had I known this, with ample timing, I would have invited more friends who WOULD have shown, but due to family taking up so much of the headcount, I couldn’t extend invites to them all. I vented to my mother who said at least I have my sister coming, who I said was only invited since the others were and she has never been nice to me or my husband - which my mother agreed with and said was a self-centered survival thing. I said she should learn a little kindness which would get her far. She despises my husband, who is genuinely as nice as can be, even to a fault. Doesn’t have a bad bone in his body, god bless him. But he supports me and loves me and we do well off each other and thrive, which she doesn’t like. Other siblings have commented on the fact she treats him so poorly when he is nothing but so kind to her.
Come party, 2 hours in and she’s nowhere to be seen. We’re waiting around to cut cakes since her household consisted of 5 people and we didn’t want to have people randomly walk in on it and ruin the photographs, miss the momentous moment, etc. My brother gets in touch with her and relays the message that I’m a monster, I’m childish and horrible and never welcome her to anything and I’m irrelevant and no one likes me which is why everyone bailed on me and I should be embarrassed. The only person I said those things to was my mother (who couldn’t come to party due to health reasons). I spent a majority of my wedding party crying on a fire escape because I was so upset by her words, so upset that everyone bailed, and so upset I didn’t follow my gut inviting other friends who would have come over obligatory family invites. I blocked my sister and her friend who joined in on her meanness. She has taken to emailing and texting me under spoof emails and phone numbers. Calling me irrelevant, embarrassing, disgusting, ugly, childish, greedy, no one showed up because they don’t like me, never been liked, etc.
My mother has spoken to her, but hasn’t reached out to me since the party when I said I was hurt at what she shared in confidence and need to think about what I want from this family anymore. My mother swears she went through her phone and saw the messages, but other parts of her (mothers) story don’t align. My mother historically has victim mindset over everything and could do no wrong.
I’m hurt, I’m upset. My husband has been amazing, but he doesn’t have any family that we could lean on ever. I’m torn between going fully no contact between my siblings who enable my sister, my mother who is emotionally abusive and enables her and doesn’t protect the rest of us, and calling it a day. Or going no contact with siblings, low contact with my mother, and never returning until they get their shit together and go to therapy. I just don’t know what is best anymore since I know my mom will never stand up to her. Family is all I’ve ever really had outside a close knit group of 3 friends, so it’s hard to go from everything to nothing in the blink of an eye.
Ever since my dad died and my sister took over, I have felt like I don’t have a spot in the family anymore. My sisters best friend of 15 years has always wanted to be apart of our big family since she had a dysfunctional one herself, and joins us on family vacations, Christmas, every waking moment. She is just as bad as my sister, and my sister is her only friend so she bows down to her. Since dad died, it’s like my sister and her friend don’t want me in the family and want to give the bff my daughter spot and to ostracize me. All of this is making me spiral and spiral and spiral. I haven’t been this bad mentally in a really, REALLY long time and it’s triggering me a lot.
I feel like as a woman, I’m held to a different caliber than the others. My brothers could do whatever they damn well please, and they do, and everyone turns a blind eye. With my sister being the oldest, she gets the same treatment. I am overwhelmed with what this family puts me through. My husband doesn’t have any family anymore for us to lean on, spend holidays with, etc. How do you move on? How do you find peace? How do you be okay with the fact nothing will ever change in this dynamic so it’s all or nothing?
FWIW - have an amazing therapist, amazing support group. Am ok, just sad and upset.

I F24 messed up everything. I’ve been with my partner M35 for almost 3 years. I know the age difference is big, but in his defence I lied about my age on the dating app so that I could meet older men. He knew from the first date and decided to still give it a try. Anyways, we’ve always been perfect. Never a single argument, we always resolve everything. He’s bought a new flat and is waiting for the keys, which should’ve happened weeks ago but solicitors are awful. For the last 2-3 months we’ve been living at my mums house as he had to move out quickly of his old flat due to a crazy roommate and my mum was more than happy to have him here. This is where the issues started. My mum is very dependant on me emotionally, more than what is healthy, so is my younger sister. I’ve been struggling to be a daughter and a girlfriend. I’ve been feeling suffocated etc, whatever.
Anyways, thoughts started running through my mind about the relationship and doubts, I’ve never moved in with a man before, what if it all becomes a shit show? We usually have sex everyday but that’s been difficult at my mums. We always reconnect with each other through sex and without it, we’ve been tense. So to the cheating- he went on a business trip for 2 weeks. I meet up with friends on a weekly basis for an activity. I’d like to say my partner and I are very flirty with everyone, it’s just how we are together and separately. My friends know this and we always have a little flirt. It’s 2 girls and 1 guy. When we travel for dinner after our activity, the two girls go together as they’re closer and I go with the guy, someone I’ve known since I was 5. We were always flirty as kids and teens but were never close or anything. Anyways, in the car he kisses me and after a while I kiss back. I really enjoyed it, we were flirty all night. I knew it was wrong but it felt so good to have something new and exciting. I didn’t want him, I knew he wouldn’t be as good as my partner or anywhere near as fun, but for some reason I loved it. For the rest of the week I was excited about it. I don’t know why, I’m young and dumb and then it hit me how bad it all was. It wasn’t just a kiss, it was quite passionate, there was grabbing and touching and afterwards flirty messages that I’ve had to delete out of disgust and guilt.
The guilt is eating me alive. I know I need to tell him but I don’t know how. It’s his birthday in 2 days, we have a huge party on the weekend. Regardless of that, how do I tell him while he’s still living at my mums? What if he wants to go somewhere else, where will he go? I don’t know how he’ll react. He loves me so much. I love him so much, but clearly I lack respect. I can’t even use the drunk excuse as I was sober when I was texting the days after. Do I wait until he gets the new flat so he can make the decision to leave and have his own space? He’s my best friend, my confidant, my comedian, my sexy man, my home, and i fucked it all for what? A passionate kiss to make me forget my living situation?
This is no excuse, but it has been hard at home. My mum goes through a lot, I am basically a second parent to my sister who is now experimenting with drugs, things aren’t easy and I always went to my boyfriends as an escape at times. I think I went crazy without that escape and made a stupid mistake. The worst part is that I enjoyed the thrill when it happened. I’m so angry at myself. I still get butterflies for my boyfriend, I’ve been thrilled enough. Now I can’t believe I’ve done something to hurt him. I feel it’s best to not tell him and move on but at the same time it’s eating me alive and he needs to know so he can decide what to do. He’s said in the past he’d forgive me for cheating (it was a weird topic we were on) but I can’t hold him to that. I have to tell him, but when? How? If he does forgive me, how do I forgive myself? I can’t imagine him looking at me differently. I’ve been acting weird for weeks because I feel I don’t deserve him, and I don’t. He makes these grand gestures of his love, he genuinely loves me so so much and I’m about to ruin it all.. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m descending into madness, all deserved, but I want it to stop. Please help me
TLDR- I doubted my relationship with my partner of almost 3 years and kissed an old friend, it’s eating me alive. Don’t know how to tell my bf as we are both currently living in my mother’s house until he gets his flat keys.

After 2 years, I (M24) broke up with my girlfriend (F22). It was a beautiful and healthy relationship at the beginning, but it changed beyond recognition. Over time, she began to show her toxic, manipulative, and narcissistic nature. The whole world revolved around her, she could never admit her mistakes, and she blamed others for everything. She constantly blamed her parents for her anxieties, saying they didn't listen to her, understand her, or care if she was sad during her childhood. This is not true at all.
To clarify, we lived together in an apartment for about 6 months. The first two months were great, and she helped with household chores and cooking. But after those two months, something broke. When she came home from work, she would lie in bed all day watching TikToks and reality shows. I took care of the entire household—cooking, cleaning, and everything else. The only thing she occasionally did was laundry, and even then, I had to push and beg her to do it. Our sex life suddenly ended, and we didn't have sex for about 2 months. I've always been the type who likes to cuddle and have close contact with my partner. I could only cuddle her when she wanted to; if she didn't, she would just say that she was comfortable and didn't want to be touched.
She was nice only when she needed something; on those days, things were okay with her. But the next day, when she didn't need anything, she was withdrawn and indifferent. I tried to do everything for her, often driving her to and from work, buying her gifts, and getting her whatever she craved. I tried to be her support, but toward the end, she started rejecting it. It's weird because she kept telling me she loved me. About a month ago, she told me she loved me but couldn't fall in love with me. She said the problem was within her and that often, even when I did or said nothing, I annoyed her. This hurt me deeply, and I considered ending it back then.
Meanwhile, she started chatting with her ex-boyfriend, whom she met at a bar while out with her friend. They had a bad breakup, but they supposedly cleared things up and became friends, chatting every day since then. I felt strange and bad about it. Her relationship with me felt like it was out of principle, and she was just using me. She was only nice when she needed something. A week ago, she went on vacation to Turkey with her family, a trip I couldn't attend. We got her passport and everything ready together. On the first day of the vacation, she texted and called me, and I saw she was happy, which made me very happy. But after the first day, she only messaged me once every two days. When she returned from Turkey, I was on a hike with her dad. When I got home, I went to take a nap, and she was at her parents' place. I woke up to her knocking, standing there with three friends. I didn't get a kiss or a hug. She immediately left with her friends to go to a bar. I heard some quiet mocking and smirks but didn't address it. She closed the door, and everything hit me—all the sadness and melancholy of the past months. I felt like crap. I unpacked her suitcase with tears in my eyes, packed my things, and called my dad to come get me. I had a few beers on the hike and didn't want to risk driving. I texted her that I was going home. Her response was that she fully understood.
She had already told me that she was sorry for her behavior but didn't know any other way and that I didn't deserve this. Yesterday, I went back to clarify things and get the rest of my stuff. She told me that during her time in Turkey, she didn't miss me at all and didn't feel the need to text me. She realized then that this wasn't how it should be. We shed a few tears, and she asked if she could cuddle with me one last time, which broke my heart. I felt like crap. She helped me pack my things, and I left. She's probably going to stay with a friend. We were renting this apartment, so we'll just cancel the lease.
On the hike, her dad told me he was very happy that she found a guy like me and that he was sorry for how she was treating me. Even though she's his daughter, he said I didn't deserve this and should pack up and leave. He said she was like her mother and that I didn't want to end up like him. He told her the same thing when she came home—that she shouldn't treat me like trash and should either start acting normal or break up. Her mother told her she hoped she'd find another tyrant who would bully her and make her life hell like all her previous boyfriends.
Sorry for the long text, but I needed to vent and also put my thoughts together in case I need to remind myself why this was the right decision. There are probably many mistakes, so I apologize. English is not my first language, and this is my first experience with Reddit. Thank you for your feedback. I need advice on how to stop thinking about her. I'm afraid I might start stalking her on social media or want to message her. What was your way of avoiding this?

I suspect my sister is narcissistic with enabling parents. I was considering going no-contact with my family minus a brother I’m close to 3 years ago and was almost out until my father died in a freak accident and I got roped back in. My sister has spent the last 30 years making my life a living hell and my parents never stuck up for me or protected me from her. My mother, now alone, is terrified of her. We had a shitty childhood and all have different survival tactics, but after going to therapy for four years now, I’ve gotten away from those and surround myself with happy, healthy, amazing, supportive people. In regard to family, I keep my distance when I can (living 3.5 hours away helps), but often am the one everyone turns to when shit goes sideways to fix everything, calm people down, figure out what to do next. I’m tired of it, especially now realizing no one does the same for me.
I recently got married and had a 40 person head count, with 38 yeses. After a bunch of random crap, 13 of my 20 invitees flaked 3 days to 2 hours before the party, all of which were very, very close family members including a brother and two of my BILs. Had I known this, I would have invited more friends who WOULD have shown, but wasn’t given enough time. I vented to my mother who said at least I have my sister coming, who I said was only invited since the others were and she has never been nice to me or my husband - which my mother agreed with and said was a self-centered survival thing. I said she should learn a little kindness which would get her far. Come party, 2 hours in and she’s nowhere to be seen. My brother gets in touch with her and relays the message that I’m a monster, I’m childish and horrible and never welcome her to anything and I’m irrelevant and no one likes me which is why everyone bailed on me and I should be embarrassed. The only person I said those things to was my mother (who couldn’t come to party due to health reasons). I spent a majority of my wedding party crying on a fire escape because I was so upset by her words, so upset that everyone bailed, and so upset I didn’t follow my gut inviting other friends who would have come over obligatory family invites. I blocked my sister and her friend who joined in on her meanness. She has taken to emailing and texting me under spoof emails and phone numbers. Calling me irrelevant, embarrassing, disgusting, ugly, childish, greedy, no one showed up because they don’t like me, never been liked, etc.
My mother has spoken to her, but hasn’t reached out to me since the party when I said I was hurt at what she shared in confidence and need to think about what I want from this family anymore. My mother swears she went through her phone and saw the messages, but other parts of her (mothers) story don’t align. My mother historically has victim mindset over everything and could do no wrong.
I’m hurt, I’m upset. My husband has been amazing, but he doesn’t have any family that we could lean on ever. I’m torn between going fully no contact between my siblings who enable my sister, my mother who is emotionally abusive and enables her and doesn’t protect the rest of us, and calling it a day. Or going no contact with siblings, low contact with my mother, and never returning until they get their shit together and go to therapy. I just don’t know what is best anymore since I know my mom will never stand up to her. Family is all I’ve ever really had outside a close knit group of 3 friends, so it’s hard to go from everything to nothing in the blink of an eye.
Ever since my dad died and my sister took over, I have felt like I don’t have a spot in the family anymore. My sisters best friend of 15 years has always wanted to be apart of our big family since she had a dysfunctional one herself, and joins us on family vacations, Christmas, every waking moment. She is just as bad as my sister, and my sister is her only friend so she bows down to her. Since dad died, it’s like my sister and her friend don’t want me in the family and want to give the bff my daughter spot and to ostracize me. All of this is making me spiral and spiral and spiral. I haven’t been this bad mentally in a really, REALLY long time and it’s triggering me a lot.

So a little background, my partner (26m) and I (26f) have been together for 5 years. We have two kids together (3&1) and at the end of February we found out we were expecting a third baby. Super unplanned, but once we got over the surprise of it all, we were excited to add another baby to the family.
I lost the baby just before I reached 12 weeks. He was a rock through it all, he took a week off work and helped with our daughters.
Before this happened, we’d always talked about having more kids and he kept saying that we can try again.
Now he’s saying he doesn’t want any more kids. I’ve asked him why, he doesn’t give me an answer. He just keeps saying “no more kids”. He’s even gone as far as talking about getting a vasectomy.
I’m not going to push him into having a child he doesn’t want, but I want to know how I can best understand his decision making. He won’t explain anything to me.
What do I do here?

This isn’t meant to be offensive at all nor am I posting about anyone in particular. These are just some observations I’ve had as someone expecting my first child and I’m genuinely curious to get others’ thoughts, especially from those who have kids.
I’m 37 weeks pregnant for the first time and I have opted not to know the sex of my baby until delivery. With pregnancy you get so many comments but when you don’t know the sex, everyone is dying to know what you’re having. I started showing early and I work a very public facing job so I have certainly gotten my fair share of comments about the baby’s gender and what people think I’m having. But one thing I wasn’t expecting was the general attitude towards boys vs. girls based on what the person commenting has themselves. To be honest, it’s a really fascinating observation and something I never expected. I find it extremely interesting.
For example, when I talk to moms of both boys and girls, they will usually tell me the positive qualities of all of their children and tell me I’ll be blessed either way. Many women will tell me it’s really special to have a daughter, but otherwise there’s really no preference or negativity.
Moms of girls are usually similar. They’ll usually either make a comment about how fun girls are or they’ll tell me they’re broke from buying all the girly stuff. But they’re not usually negative about boys and they usually don’t seem to have a preference for what the sex of my baby is.
But with moms of boys, it tends to be different. When boy moms talk about the sex of my baby, many are downright negative about raising girls, despite not having one of their own. I’ve had several moms of boys tell me that girls are spoiled, catty, annoying, rude, and demanding. They tell me I’m better off having boys like they do and they seem to really not want me to have a girl. Almost as if having a girl is a tragedy or something. It’s really weird and makes me sad for my child if I do end up having a girl. I’m not saying ALL moms of boys are like this by any means; not at all. But it’s definitely a trend I’ve noticed and one I’ve found a little unusual to be honest. I will be happy with either sex but I’ve always wanted a daughter and I just think it’s odd that so many people without girls tend to see having a girl as a negative thing.
Anyway, I just thought this was a really interesting observation and I discussed it casually with a few other expecting moms who said they’d noticed the same trend. I’m just wondering why it might be. Is it just a general disgust for girls and women rooted in misogyny? Is it jealousy? Has anyone else noticed this?