Somebody requested that I write down some resources for Dzogchen in the sidebar, so I thought I would do as post as well to give a sort of background and offer anyone else the chance to get in on the conversation or building of resources too...

A Word on Secrecy, Safety Maturity, and Cults

I'm writing this post out by request of someone who messaged me, with the intention of reaching a wider audience, or all beings, who could benefit from learning about these teachings. I have to caution, though, that they may not be for everybody, and in that regard, I would advise gentleness, with yourself and others, with regards to this path. Please take care of yourself, and keep a measure of your own mind with regard to your mental health and these practices. I wish that those who read this post are only those who it may help, and those it may hurt don't have to see it at all.
With that in mind, I can maybe share a little bit about the secrecy aspect of Vajrayana. Someone who learns about these practices but does not genuinely practice them can generate obstacles to their own awakening; specifically with Dzogchen there is a real danger of intellectualizing the practice such that one covers over their own mind with a sheen of thoughts and fabrication, blocking one from advancing. In that regard, this particular practice is called self secret. From what I know, many Lamas won't introduce one to the practice if they aren't sure the student has the capability to grasp it, and also - the student won't be able to practice it if they're not able to.
On the subject of cults - I have to note that Dzogchen practice can be very personal, but that is not a license for any teacher to abuse you, in any form, ever. Things that happened in the past - students getting slapped, hit with shoes, etc. - happened in the past - but that doesn't make them appropriate teachings devices today. A genuinely compassionate teacher won't take advantage of your practice to abuse you, steal your money, degrade you, control you, or anything like that. If they try to - it is more likely that you've stumbled on a cult, and should get out as fast as you can.
As far as general safety in the practice goes, Lama Lena has written this (and I'm shamelessly stealing it from her website):
"The responsibility to take care of your own mind rests with you; not the lama, not your mom, not your cat. So, take it upon yourself to be safe and use common sense."
Please, read that whole page and heed the warnings.

My Practice

I've been working with Dzogchen for about 3.5 years now, since approximately the end of 2020. I'd been interested in Mahayana practices for the better part of a decade before that, but mostly just practicing Samatha by the way of Anapanasati and Metta, and also through the framework provided by *The Mind Illuminated*. I had been curious about Dzogchen for a bit, mostly from reading about it on Wikipedia and just, in general, being interested in seeing what the fuss is surrounding vajrayana, tantra, and the "highest system" called Atiyoga.
By chance, I happened to see a comment on /Dzogchen from someone who basically said "If anyone is looking for pointing out, feel free to message me." So I sent them a message giving my general background and motivation for the practice, and they invited me to join them on meditationonline.org - which had been a place they'd been doing meditation for a few years (and still do, I suppose I'd consider myself part of that sangha). I happened to meet the individual who I'd been messaging, a Nyingma lama called Dawai Gocha, and received pointing out, along with teachings for the next few years... up until the present day.
My main practice now is Dzogchen - I gradually transitioned into this from Anapanasati over the course of about six months - and most of my sessions are now just me resting in awareness - Rigpa. I generally do augment this however with other practices, like Satipatthana, mantra recitation, and other practices from the three main vehicles, simply because I like to do them and find them helpful on the path.

What is Dzogchen?

I can't say anything that has not already been said by others, in particular, meditation masters with vastly more experience than I have - but to put it simply, Dzogchen practice can encompass a large number of different types of ancillary practices, and one central practice, which the ancillaries are meant to accomplish. The main practice is resting in the Rigpa.

How to Learn

"Get pointing out instructions from a qualified teacher before embarking on Dzogchen and Mahamudra. A teacher can address pressing questions as they arise and give you a map and tools for the journey. As practitioners, we can rely on those who have hiked the trail before us." - Lama Lena
Since the awareness nature is always present in every being, it is both simple to learn and simple to maintain the practice - being that one just simply is introduced to the awareness nature, and then abides in it at all times.
As far as being introduced to that awareness, in my experience there are many avenues, such as getting pointed out in person( verbally or non verbally), in visions, through texts, in dreams, etc. In one of her videos, Lama Lena goes through, I think, five different days that transmission/pointing out can happen.
But in my experience, getting pointing out, repeatedly and periodically, from a teacher is the most effective (and probably the most important) way to learn, like having someone coach you through riding a bicycle, until you finally internalize the fundamentals and are able ride on your own. Even someone that can check your progress, humble you, and keep you from common pitfalls, can be extremely helpful. Dzogchen, to me and from what I have read from e.g. Tulku Urgyen, is very simple, so simple that many people are able to miss it extremely easily. Whether we miss it because we're so worked up, or because we are subtly fabricating something and fixating on the fabrication - there is a miss, and from what I know, it's better to realize that than carry on doing whatever else. The harsh reality of Dzogchen practice is that fixation, because we're so habituated to it as human beings, is extremely easy, and being led astray by fixation means your meditation becomes a conditioned Samatha practice. On a lighter note though - from my perspective, one we learn to continually distinguish between Consciousness from Wisdom, we are on very solid ground, and it becomes easier and easier to recognize when we've become fixated.
On the subject of teachers - I would consider myself to have had many teachers. My main teacher, I mentioned before, is a lama I talk to live over the internet, but I would also say I've received teachings from recordings, from books, and in dreams. For clarity, I will state again: having a teacher that you can use to verify your practice is very important so as not to fall into common pitfalls. Whether you are confirming your experience through texts, reasoning, pointing out videos, whatever - do it repeatedly will help because otherwise, as a beginner, one can be lost for days, weeks, months, etc. without finding awareness again. I've seen people on Dzogchen who, unfortunately, even though they got pointing out from great teachers, were not able to realize the practice because they lost it and then never were able to find it again, and so need the pointing out again. Others get the pointing out repeatedly - practice a lot, and attain good results over time. In that way, from my perspective, having continual access to the teachings is very important. Fortunately, we live in a good time for this.
I'll get to recommend specifics later but - this is my perspective - although some people say that you can't get transmission over recordings or the internet, or from books - I actually do doubt that that is that case, just from experience. But, I must caution that all of my experience in this realm comes from after the point in time that I received live pointing out.
This all being said - regardless of how one feels at a specific time or place, there's no reason not to ever refrain from confirming one's experience or view against the words of masters. There are others that have said this, who have more experience, but until we are Buddhas ourselves and phenomena have exhausted, there is no reason to ever stop practicing. Ever. If you are practice, there is no need to make effort, and all phenomena will come and go without trouble. Namkhai Norbu says almost exactly this in The Cycle of Day and Night.

Finding A Teacher

"Do not expect to travel this path guided only by books and the internet! Use the internet to find a teacher, then connect with them." - Lama Lena
It's taken a while to get here, my apologies for that.
For finding a teacher, I think any lama that has accomplished a three year retreat will be proficient in either Mahamudra or Dzogchen (both Atiyoga - subtle differenes but the same essential practice), and will likely be able to give pointing out instructions.
Not all may do so at first. Some may want a more personal relationship, some may require Ngondro, and some may say "sorry I don't really give those teachings". Some may require a baseline knowledge of the practice first - for example the Tergar program does.
That being said, there are many places to receive pointing out for free and in public.
Off the top of my head, I can name four that are always open and free: Lama Lena on Facebook and Youtube, The Rangdrol Foundation (run by the reddit user u/jigdrol), MeditationOnline.org, and The Pristine Mind Foundation . I know there are others, but at least to me on reddit nad personally, these have been the most visible. I do know that Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche (Mahamudra Dzogchen) and James Low (Dzogchen) occasionally give pointing out instructions and videos on the practice. As well - many other lama do on occasion, and especially Bon lamas - practitioners and Yogis from the Tibetan Indigenous religion.
Edit: Here is a recent list of online teachers compiled by Dzogchen
Once you've received pointing out, there are also numerous public books, and texts one can read to deepen their understanding and/or background in the teachings, a few of which I've read and can list below. I'll also try to find some links that I care share too.
Many texts on Dzogchen, Mahyana and Vajrayana in general can be found on the excellent Lotsawahouse.org
A list of a few books that I've read and can personally recommend. Please note - these books (with the exception of Transcending AFAIK) are best read after having received transmission:
The Cycle of Day and Night by Chogyal Namkhai Norbu
Dzogchen: Heart Essence of the Great Perfection by HH The Dalai Lama
Zurchungpa's Testament by Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche
Vajra Heart Revisited by Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche
Transcending Ego: Distinguishing Consciousness from Wisdom by Thrangu Rinpoche
Also, I've not read the Trilogy of Rest by Longchenpa but heard that they're excellent.
Anyways, this about wraps up the post. If you have any questions or additional comments, they are very welcome.

I want to write my conlang on my PC, but I don't know how to make it. It is an alphabet but I want the letters to be different formed squares and to build on eachother in sort of a square on top of a square on top of a square etc. How do I do that, any advise?

Hi there,
I did something really stupid. I met someone on Grindr, and it was the quickest meetup I’ve ever done. It was like, “Hey, hey,” and he called me. I saw his face for about 5 seconds, and we decided to meet up. He was waiting for me in his car, and I got in, which, in hindsight, was really dangerous because I had no idea who he was. He started driving and talking. I replied, but I was acting shy because, to be honest, I wasn’t comfortable with what I had done. But I thought, “Screw it. Let’s see where this leads.”
We stopped at the side of the road, and I started blowing him. It was good, not gonna lie. After some time, I suggested we go to a hotel. So we did. This is where it all went to shit for me.
When we got to the hotel, we got naked. The man was blessed, but the thing was that we just ended up talking for hours. Somehow, I kind of liked him, which is something unheard of for me. I’m the kind of person who can separate feelings from sex, but with him, I just couldn’t. I was getting ready to apply to med school, learning a ton of stuff, and trying to manage all of that while also working. It was really hard, but here comes someone who knows a ton about med school and science. All we talked about that night was science, and I thought he was a doctor because he knew so much.
The Grindr community is really secretive, so I learned not to trust anyone and not to believe a word they say. When I get the feeling someone is lying to me, I’m 99% right. Based on his knowledge and the way he was formulating every sentence, I knew he was a healthcare worker, even though he didn’t admit it.
After the hotel, we went to get coffee, and I started pushing him to tell me what he did for a living. He told me he was a detective, but I wasn’t buying it. After some time, I decided to give him my number. I think it was more the mystery of this man that drew me to him. He was a case I needed to solve. The next two weeks went really fast. We went out at least five times, and every time we did, I would set up these little traps for him, which he fell for every time.
The sex was amazing, the best I’ve ever had. But it was the level of understanding and something about him that kept me interested. He used to call me with his caller ID hidden, and it drove me crazy, not gonna lie. But I was determined to figure him out. I had to call the phone company, get all the records of the incoming calls, and cross-examine them. Finally, I had a number.
After that, I had to figure out who he was. I looked online for his number, but I couldn’t find anything. So, I went to one of the local stores of the phone company and said that a friend of mine was out of the country and I needed to make a payment in his name. I gave the lady his number, and when she said his full name, I acted like it wasn’t the name of my friend, but inside, I was screaming. Now I had a name. So, let the work begin. I went on Instagram and Facebook because I knew those would be the best places to find him.
After half an hour, I finally found his Facebook profile. There, I found his workplace, and as I suspected, he was a healthcare professional, but I still didn’t know what type. So I did more digging. I searched the internet about him but came up with nothing.
I met up with him that night, and to be honest, I was scared of how he would react because you never know with people. So I was trying to be subtle, but he said something that angered me a lot, so I told him. I said, “Okay, I know who you are. I know where you work, and I know where you studied.” He said that I was bluffing. I said, “Nope, your name is this, you work here,” and everything else I could find about him. To my surprise, he started laughing hysterically.
Basically, he was impressed with my skills. He teased me, saying that he must have really meant something to me for me to go to all that trouble just to find him. I, of course, denied it categorically, but we both knew he did.
After this confrontation, I got to ask every question I wanted to know, and he answered truthfully because he knew I would find out either way. The more I learned about him, the more I liked him, and that scared the shit out of me. We started texting every day, and with each text, I saw myself falling more and more for him.
We met a few more times, but I can’t risk it more with him. The next time we meet, I think i need to tell him that this is getting too comfortable for me, and I am not someone who gets comfortable. So now i am here asking strangers what i should do.
P.S. the text was edited by ChatGBT.

Google showed me the movie title when I searched "flay me." I think it is romantic enough to describe what I feel now and sometimes.
IDK if you know it, but that's how I feel when I encounter your letters or expressions. Silently and swiftly, you attack my left shoulder (always left) vertically with your claws like a bear. It's so shocking that I usually stop my breath, almost choked instantly. I look at the wound, then you. Your eyes are also on my exposed bloody muscles, soft tissues, and tendons for a while, waiting. Then you indifferently move away silently as if you attacked a wrong prey.
I don't feel pain when my skin is peeled in this vision. It feels like being in a vacuum. As you expect, I don't hate it. After you leave, the wound is gone and recovered as if nothing happened. Something did, though. Sooner or later you come back to do the same again and again.
It's interesting since you basically talk about yourself, not even trying to analyze me, when my flesh is flayed off my body. It's not an anatomy attempt.
It's different from the attack years ago when you screamed at me, pushing me into the corner. Maybe you just tried to make yourself understood or your anger heard, but I cried hard and trembled out of fear. We didn't get along, but I wasn't quite sure or tried to refuse what made you so mad.
I think (or hope?) you are the one that tells the truth to others by being yourself. Your thoughts and actions may look selfish and subjective. But no. Your selfish seeking will be universal. People will find themselves in your most inner self. I can't do that, but you can in a comfortable way. That's your gift and our difference.
Maybe that's why you don't want me to anatomize you. It will be just a pain with less gain. I need learn to put myself in it as well, if I want to try.
Recently the different you appear after the "attack." Either too cheerful or too depressed puts ointment to fade my scar. The former sings happy songs, the latter makes dark reflective speeches. I'm happy with your presence on the earth. But I also can't help wonder what will happen or I will see if you make another attack before the wound vanishes.
S.

So there is a home that is 599,000 and I was approved for 500,000 and if I'm absolutely pushing it my lender said I can 510-515,000 but I wanted to ask if it's unreasonable to put like 510,000 as an offer for the house my realtor is saying it's a pretty low offer and it's likely to get rejected immediately the house has been listed for 30 days but it's not selling because in the price range of like 600k there are nicer homes and the reason my agent is saying they won't accept my offer is that in the description of the house on Zillow it says the house is appraised for 605k so my agent seems to think for that reason they wouldn't give it for 510,000 l'm a first time home buyer and I wanted to get some thoughts before I send in my offer and how can I make my offer appealing to the sellers (don't say a love letter because my realtor said it's not a good idea 😭😭)

No family , no friends and now I know why I have given up more than once before. My wife tells me there were all kinds of birthday wishes on facebook. When it was actually 2 of her friends that I don’t know and one friend that I have known for as long as I have known my wife. I am not out to her.
I am out to nobody but my wife. It’s been a rough few years. Last time(done it a few times) I quit hormones we moved and when I finally realized it’s not going away and HRT had to be permanent, I lost contact with all my close trans friends and now I hate myself.
The guilt my wife makes me feel when I do something towards my transition just brings me so far down I don’t want to wake up in the morning.
My main dysphoria is hair. Any hair drives me nuts. Body hair is manageable with an epilator now that I have been doing it so long. But the face is truly driving me nuts. I am about to do a 3 hour Electrolosis appointment. And adk for forgiveness after. And what do I do instead of focusing on myself. I start a charity. I take money I don’t have so I can get my charity a legally a 501c3 tax exempt status. I don’t know how to run a charity. All I want to do is help others. But I am so sad for myself I can barely keep things afloat.
My wife does not know how to talk to someone. Without seeing all the negatives and none if the good things.
She knows nothing about my charity. And really nothing about my transition. What I do instead of discussing things with her is I just go do it and ask forgiveness later. Told her when I started HRT just enough to get my mind right. Knowing full well I would need enough to make my breasts grow. I knew I wanted full dose including progesterone. If she found out I was taking progesterone. She would want to know why. Not sure she would like it if she knew I wanted big breasts in the first place and that’s what I actually planned. She did not like it when the nipples got Huge but she got used to them.
She keeps saying she is still attracted to me. But she never makes the first move. And when I try she doesn’t want it. Damn I am horny and my libido has not changed. I can still perform well. It sucks so bad.
Got my nails don’t light pink. She made me feel like crap and then the next day got over it. Got my toes white. Gave me crap about them then 30 mins later said she really likes them. She always asks why I want something. I tell her because it makes me happy. She just does not get it at all.
She really does not get why a man like me wants to get my nails done. Yes I said man. If I even tried my female name and pronouns with/around her it would be a big fight.
When all this came to light she told me she likes men. And she is not attracted to women. And not sure she would stay with me if I transitioned fully. So fast forward and no body hair. Painted toes and hands. 38D and still growing. I have way more women’s clothes than male clothes. I wear capris and flip flops almost everyday. I am pretty feminine except for my face. She said she would not stop me but probably won’t stay if I go all the way.
She also said the I can experiment with makeup and get a wig and leave the house en fem if I was going out with other girls. But I know the first time she saw me fully made up it would not be a good experience for me. Already told me I would be an ugly woman. So that’s why I am scared to death to go out fully dressed. Besides I know nobody in Southern California any more to go out with.
You know I would just leave but I do love her very much and I am financially secure with her. I know I would survive without her. But no more vacations and etc. I thought a slow approach would work. It seems it is but the time it is taking is getting to me.
Sorry I am just rambling about things that make no sense. Probably better if I quit existing. No body fucking cares!!

Fascism has a number of essential characteristics but the most distinct is palingenetic ultranationalism: The myth that the nation is an organic body composed of a downtrodden but authentic "common people" who have been betrayed, victimized, and derived of land and money by out-groups (especially Jews, LGBT folks, immigrants, and liberals), and the nation must be reborn and grown larger, phoenix-like, from the ashes of its downtrodden state through the cleansing fire of violence against those out-groups and their allies (especially their allies among the "common people") and the seizure of their land and property, regardless of how many "common people" must be sacrificed in this process of violent "purification"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palingenetic_ultranationalism
Palestinian nationalism has all these definitional features. Its central myth is that "the Palestinians" (whose language, Arabic, lacks the letter P) have been betrayed, oppressed, and deprived of their land and money by Jews, and "Palestine" must be reborn and grown larger, phoenix-like, from the ashes of its current corrupt theocracy through the cleansing fire of violence against Jews, LGBT people, and liberals (especially liberal Arabs who believe in co-existence with Jews and LGBT people), and all those who support them, regardless of how many human shields, child soldiers, and hospitals with bunkers underneath them must be sacrificed in this process of purification
This Palestinian ideological mythos entirely reverses victim and perpetrator
In the real world, there is an extensive and well corroborated archeological record (starting with the Merneptah Stele) showing the continuous residence of the indigenous Jewish inhabitants in the land between the river and the sea, but that Stele alone independently establishes their presence for at least the last 3200 years
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merneptah_Stele
In contrast, the Arab-Israeli conflict started relatively recently, with the battle of Tel Hal on March 1st 1920, when an Arab militia attacked the Jewish-owned farms at Tel Hal in an attempt to find French soldiers, eventually burning it to the ground. Prior to that there was no organized violence between Arabs and Israelis in the region:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Tel_Hai
The next incident in the Arab-Israel conflict was the Nebi Musa riots a month later, on April 8th 1920, when Amin al-Husayni (who later allied with the Nazis and was a big fan of Hitler) gave an incendiary speech from the balcony of the Arab Club, kicking off what resulted in an Muslim mob of around 60,000 ransacking of the Jewish quarter of Jerusalem:
https://www.palquest.org/en/historictext/6709/palin-commission-report
That's what started the war. It started with Arab people committing mob violence against Jewish people and that has never stopped to this day. Genocide is what Nazi and Communist-inspired Arab mobs and armies have repeatedly tried to do to the indigenous Jewish people of the land between the river and the sea, starting from the 1920 Nebi Musa riots, and continuing on through 1948, 1967, 1973, 1982, 1987, 2000, and most recently on October 7th
They keep trying to eradicate Jewish people off the land their ancestors lived in continuously for thousands of years, they keep getting their asses kicked every time they try it, and they deserve it every time they do
This makes sense when you understand the history of the region, and how Arab-ness was imposed by force (along with Islam) by multiple relatively historically recent waves of conquering Muslim settler-colonists
The Ottoman Empire was the culmination of those waves of Muslim settler-colonists, and after World War I it collapsed and in much of the Middle East was followed by Pan-Arab nationalism, which was a remarkably Nazi project. The founder of modern Palestinian religious nationalism (Amin al Husseini) was a close ally and personal friend of Hitler
https://time.com/4084301/hitler-grand-mufi-1941/
https://www.timesofisrael.com/full-official-record-what-the-mufti-said-to-hitle
After waging and escalating series of genocidal pogroms against the indigenous Jewish people (culminating in their alliance with the Nazis in World War II) and getting their asses kicked, Palestinian nationalism (as distinct from pan-Arab nationalism) emerged a fundamentally Soviet project
That is not an exaggeration. 100 years ago most people in the region defined themselves as Ottoman, by their village, or by their religion. Arab nationalism is a relatively new socially constructed weapon, made up by unambiguous fascists (like Sati Al-Husri, Abdulrahman Badawi, and Amin al-Husseini) and communists (like Fawaz Taraboulsi or Suhayl Idris) to mobilize hate against and justify the murder of their imperfect but much more reasonable democratic enemies (who also happened by the enemies of the Nazis and Soviets)
https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/israel-middle-east/articles/liberation-arabs-global-left
Palestinian nationalism, as opposed to Arab nationalism, was created by the KGB after the repeated defeats of the USSR's Arab-nationalist proxies in 1948 and 1967. The blueprint for the PLO Charter was drafted in Moscow in 1964 and was approved by 422 Palestinian representatives hand-selected by the KGB. At that time, the USSR was in the business of creating "people’s liberation" fronts. The KGB founded the PLO as well as the National Liberation Army of Bolivia in 1964 led by Ernesto "Che" Guevara, and the National Liberation Army of Colombia in 1965
The “Palestinian Liberation Army” was contrived by the KGB, much like the KGB devised the Bolivian National Liberation Army, Greek People's Liberation Army, Malayan National Liberation Army, etc etc. It created this Arab army in the early 1960s following the failure of the troops of various Soviet-puppet-ruled Arab states to destroy Israel. The KGB drafted the Palestinian National Charter and handpicked the 422 members of the PLO council that approved it. As the KGB's director said at the time, "We needed to instill a Nazi-style hatred for the Jews throughout the Islamic world, and to turn this weapon of the emotions into a terrorist bloodbath against Israel". Likewise, both the Palestine National Covenant and Palestinian Constitution were drafted in Moscow
https://stanfordreview.org/deception-palestinian-nationalism/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soviet_involvement_in_regime_change
The most popular Palestinian faction currently, Hamas, pointedly opposes multi-ethnic pluralistic democracy. That's what Israel already is and they hate it. Hamas also explicitly opposes a two-state solution, wants to expel and murder Jews, and impose an Islamic theocracy by force
The founding covenant of Hamas, which they created their terrorist organization around in 1988, opens with a message that precisely encapsulates Hamas’s master plan. Quoting Hassan al-Banna, the Egyptian founder of the Muslim Brotherhood, of which Hamas is a constituent member (Article 2), the document proclaims, “Israel will exist and will continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it.”
After some general explanatory language about Hamas’s religious foundation and noble intentions, the covenant comes to the Islamic Resistance Movement’s raison d’être: the slaughter of Jews. “The Day of Judgement will not come about,” it proclaims, “until Moslems fight the Jews, when the Jew will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say O Moslems, O Abdulla, there is a Jew behind me, come and k-ll him.”
Article 11 spells out why this annihilation of Jews is required. Palestine is described as an “Islamic Waqf”—an endowment predicated on Muslim religious, education, or charitable principles and therefore inviolate to any other peoples or religions. Accordingly, the territory that now encompasses Israel, Gaza, and the West Bank is:
consecrated for future Moslem generations until Judgement Day. It, or any part of it, should not be squandered: it, or any part of it, should not be given up … This Waqf remains as long as earth and heaven remain. Any procedure in contradiction to Islamic Sharia, where Palestine is concerned, is null and void.
In sum, any compromise over this land, including the moribund two-state solution, much less coexistence among faiths and peoples, is forbidden.
https://web.archive.org/web/20231010215457/https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2023/10/hamas-covenant-israel-attack-war-genocide/675602/
And Hamas has the support of somewhere between 65-80% of the Palestinian people
https://www.awrad.org/en/article/10719/Wartime-Poll-Results-of-an-Opinion-Poll-Among-Palestinians-in-the-West-Bank-and-Gaza-Strip
To understand the Palestinian strategy in this latest phase of their forever war, see here:
How Hamas Uses Civilians as a Weapon - The Dark Side of Clausewitzian War
https://deadcarl.substack.com/p/how-hamas-uses-civilians-as-a-weapon
Both Palestinian leadership and street have repeatedly acting as willing pawns, first of the Nazis, then of the Soviets, and now of the contemporary fascist Axis that includes Russia, China, and Iran. The historical Palestinian embrace of Nazi, Soviet, Islamist, and modern Axis fascism (and their rejection of democracy and equal rights) only makes their rationale for doing do so, and the nature of their project, more clear
In this context, Biden's support for Israel should not be surprising. Palestinian-ism is fascist, and everyone who understands and opposes fascism should oppose it

TLDR: Irrationally texted my ex parents after a breakup saying mean shit about her no threats just emotional dumb shit. Regret how childish I came off and feel like part of my healing even to move on fully is apologizing to grow. But I don’t want to bother as other redditors have exclaimed I should be lucky no restraining orders have been put out or I’m not in jail. I admit I said ugly shit but nothing that comes to threats or harm. Lmk please
Ex texted a bestfriend behind my back ending of last year ruining the friendship. Broke up with her, during that time I rekindled with someone else while occasionally texting my ex still not back together. Felt like I missed the warmth of my ex and dropped the new girl going back to my ex fully beginning of this year. Missed the support and love from my ex that I never truly got. Girl told me ex about our dirty laundry, causing trust issues in the whole relationship. Trust me when I tell you I felt more than guilty. I balled my eyes out with her and not even for getting caught for the reaction she had and how fragile she always was to me. I mention what she had does because stupidly I should have left when I had the chance. Even other instances where she had initiated things, I knew it might have not been the healthiest but she showed other signs of real true love. Tried fixing them by removing girls, sharing location, etc. I felt scared my ex is gonna get revenge and started being distant at the end which pushed her away as well. I thought we would get back together as always, found out she’s been adding guys she removed a long time ago. I got upset and texted her ugly nasty shit, and texted her dad saying his daughter is nasty etc. I thought by doing this I’d move on quicker by burning bridges, he told me to leave them alone I’m being childish. I understand I fucked up and fully agree. She’s done things and I know I shouldn’t have let be, but staying and getting revenge wasn’t the way. I’m realizing that as the hours even go by everyday I think about it. I want to apologize to the parents for the lack of character I had because I never ONCE disrespected them in their house, to their face. I called them Mr and Mrs always and always asked if they needed anything. I talked to a close female friend who said this stuff needs time and I can apologize if I’d like and if it makes me feel better, or write a letter and burn it. My parents said that’s not my character and said apologize if you feel necessary as I wasn’t raised like that. I feel like it’s too late to backtrack on the stupid shit I said. Am I being selfish by sending a text? I just want this weight off my chest of being the shitty person at the end at least to her parents who didn’t need any of that.
Is it smart to reach back out to the parents to show respect as an adult or just let them be? I know this was a lot but it’s on my heart and brain everyday since. I know I was emotional for no reason as I had done hurt to her in the past too. Seeing her move on so fast is what bothered me but I see she wanted me to feel what she felt. I just feel bad sitting on the thought that I left her parents with such a bad image of myself even thought it doesn’t matter anymore just doesn’t sit with me. Help?

I’m 37. 22st male statins. Basildon hospital. I was working out in a garage for 6 months boxing lost 4 stone from24. I went to the garage to hit the punch bag felt drained 2 o’clock in the morning felt like I was having a heart attack. So went to the hospital for them to say it’s not which is great news but gave me naproxen but I was already taking statins for high cholesterol. 2nd day of taking them I had a really bad reaction. Hives all over face swollen lips. Felt very strange for months afterwards very weak. Throat would go tight and swell after eaten foods and drinks. I thought I was allergic to these. So would get test always come negative then I asked for a full allergies test 10 months ago I’ve been waiting for ten months I had it booked for next month on the 3rd only for the clinic to cancel my appointment that I’ve been desperately waiting for. I’m gutted they have just randomly cancelled. this is Basildon, and honestly I felt like it was keeping me going. 14 months of hell the doctors have been pretty poor to me I never ever go to the doctors until 14 months ago. I’ve had the ambulance out on a number of occasions I’ve been up the hospital during the nights because I’ve woken up with tight throat. It’s not strep negative it’s not cobble stone negative the believe it could be allergies they also believe it to be silent reflux had taken medication lanzopro can’t spell very well either lol but was making me unwell, I get blurry vision and was asked to get my eyes tested my eyes haven’t changed and are ok. Burning throat white mucus. Probably unrelated but also started 14months ago right shoulder pain right back of neck pain. Because I’ve been going through this for a long time you can imagine mental stress off my throat closing up and not being able to breathe properly. I’ve taken Antihistamine every day for 14 months I feel like they don’t help. I have had test for pots copd and asthma was all under long Covid testing but the only thing they found was a restriction on my left lung but don’t know what it is. I got referred to respiratory clinic FINALY after 14 months of begging then I got a letter to say it will be October. I’m very depressed on how things are going I’m not getting the correct help the doctors I’ve had to change because the lady wasn’t helping me so I made a complaint and refused to see her and the see the head nurse if that’s a thing she wasn’t much better I said I need test to see what these lumps are it could be a tumour or cancer she laughed at me. I put the phone down check my nhs app online for her to write. patient thinks he has cancer and he would benefit from counselling therapy and now I’m doing therapy second session honestly hand on my heart these gps have really made me feel like I’m going insane at times. Can’t find nothing wrong with me but I’m really unwell with all this. Blury eyes sore tight throat flare up. Itchy skin sometimes swollen tongue itchy skin after shower, hard to swallow at times back of tongue lumps swell red spots on tongue keep having white film over tongue white mucus over throat fatigued every day. Wake up during the night with tingling arms and shoulders. Was out in the sun the other day few hours my hands burned but felt tingling for days. Very dry hands almost like I was having a reaction from the sun. Im not a praying man but I’ve done a lot of praying this year. Any help suggestions would great be appreciated. I’m at the end with it all.

I see him post on Facebook to his 5 friends all the time with pictures of tables and raised garden beds with a wonderful description added to them….. but literally that’s all he does, “posts” them… I think he thinks it works differently… anyways it’s the saddest shit ever and I really want to help him but I have no idea how, I tried making him a business account on Facebook but the Meta blocked his account right away for literally no fucking reason, seriously anything would be appreciated!!!!!!

TLDR: Irrationally texted my ex parents after a breakup saying mean shit about her no threats just emotional dumb shit. Regret how childish I came off and feel like part of my healing even to move on fully is apologizing to grow. But I don’t want to bother as other redditors have exclaimed I should be lucky no restraining orders have been put out or I’m not in jail. I admit I said ugly shit but nothing that comes to threats or harm. Lmk please
Ex texted a bestfriend behind my back ending of last year ruining the friendship. Broke up with her, during that time I rekindled with someone else while occasionally texting my ex still not back together. Felt like I missed the warmth of my ex and dropped the new girl going back to my ex fully beginning of this year. Missed the support and love from my ex that I never truly got. Girl told me ex about our dirty laundry, causing trust issues in the whole relationship. Trust me when I tell you I felt more than guilty. I balled my eyes out with her and not even for getting caught for the reaction she had and how fragile she always was to me. I mention what she had does because stupidly I should have left when I had the chance. Even other instances where she had initiated things, I knew it might have not been the healthiest but she showed other signs of real true love. Tried fixing them by removing girls, sharing location, etc. I felt scared my ex is gonna get revenge and started being distant at the end which pushed her away as well. I thought we would get back together as always, found out she’s been adding guys she removed a long time ago. I got upset and texted her ugly nasty shit, and texted her dad saying his daughter is nasty etc. I thought by doing this I’d move on quicker by burning bridges, he told me to leave them alone I’m being childish. I understand I fucked up and fully agree. She’s done things and I know I shouldn’t have let be, but staying and getting revenge wasn’t the way. I’m realizing that as the hours even go by everyday I think about it. I want to apologize to the parents for the lack of character I had because I never ONCE disrespected them in their house, to their face. I called them Mr and Mrs always and always asked if they needed anything. I talked to a close female friend who said this stuff needs time and I can apologize if I’d like and if it makes me feel better, or write a letter and burn it. My parents said that’s not my character and said apologize if you feel necessary as I wasn’t raised like that. I feel like it’s too late to backtrack on the stupid shit I said. Am I being selfish by sending a text? I just want this weight off my chest of being the shitty person at the end at least to her parents who didn’t need any of that.
Is it smart to reach back out to the parents to show respect as an adult or just let them be? I know this was a lot but it’s on my heart and brain everyday since. I was emotional on how she moved on so quick and added everyone she removed for me. But no excuse cause I had done my part in this and my blowing up made it a million times worse. Just want to fix the image with the parents as they were respectful to me and same to them up until I was acting stupid. Let them be?

TLDR: Irrationally texted my ex parents after a breakup saying mean shit about her no threats just emotional dumb shit. Regret how childish I came off and feel like part of my healing even to move on fully is apologizing to grow. But I don’t want to bother as other redditors have exclaimed I should be lucky no restraining orders have been put out or I’m not in jail. I admit I said ugly shit but nothing that comes to threats or harm. Lmk please
Ex texted a bestfriend behind my back ending of last year ruining the friendship. Broke up with her, during that time I rekindled with someone else while occasionally texting my ex still not back together. Felt like I missed the warmth of my ex and dropped the new girl going back to my ex fully beginning of this year. Missed the support and love from my ex that I never truly got. Girl told me ex about our dirty laundry, causing trust issues in the whole relationship. Trust me when I tell you I felt more than guilty. I balled my eyes out with her and not even for getting caught for the reaction she had and how fragile she always was to me. I mention what she had does because stupidly I should have left when I had the chance. Even other instances where she had initiated things, I knew it might have not been the healthiest but she showed other signs of real true love. Tried fixing them by removing girls, sharing location, etc. I felt scared my ex is gonna get revenge and started being distant at the end which pushed her away as well. I thought we would get back together as always, found out she’s been adding guys she removed a long time ago. I got upset and texted her ugly nasty shit, and texted her dad saying his daughter is nasty etc. I thought by doing this I’d move on quicker by burning bridges, he told me to leave them alone I’m being childish. I understand I fucked up and fully agree. She’s done things and I know I shouldn’t have let be, but staying and getting revenge wasn’t the way. I’m realizing that as the hours even go by everyday I think about it. I want to apologize to the parents for the lack of character I had because I never ONCE disrespected them in their house, to their face. I called them Mr and Mrs always and always asked if they needed anything. I talked to a close female friend who said this stuff needs time and I can apologize if I’d like and if it makes me feel better, or write a letter and burn it. My parents said that’s not my character and said apologize if you feel necessary as I wasn’t raised like that. I feel like it’s too late to backtrack on the stupid shit I said. Am I being selfish by sending a text? I just want this weight off my chest of being the shitty person at the end at least to her parents who didn’t need any of that.
Is it smart to reach back out to the parents to show respect as an adult or just let them be? I know this was a lot but it’s on my heart and brain everyday since. I know I was emotional for no reason as I had done hurt to her in the past too. Seeing her move on so fast is what bothered me but I see she wanted me to feel what she felt. I just feel bad sitting on the thought that I left her parents with such a bad image of myself even thought it doesn’t matter anymore just doesn’t sit with me. Help?

I was waitlisted from my dream program and I want to improve my application for this upcoming cycle. I had a total of 175 completed hours in 4 different settings. I also had a total of 103 in-progress hours (what I projected to achieve by last December). Was a TA for A&P for 3 semesters. Was a tutor for chemistry for 1 semester. Was involved in a few clubs for a few semesters, but had no major role in them. I don’t have many hours of volunteering outside of the realm of PT. I had a 4.0 GPA, 155V, 151Q, 4.5 writing. I feel my essays were personal, unique, and answered the prompts well. Letters of rec should have been great.
Soon after I submitted my application last year, I worked as a PT tech and accumulated 234 paid hours. I completed all of my in-progress hours for all settings except for one. So now, I have a total of 472 completed hours. I didn’t know that you could update this on PTCAS, so my program does not know about this new number and how it improved from the 175 completed hours I listed at the time of my application.
I got accepted to a different DPT program back in September. Soon after I was waitlisted at my dream program in November, I decided to finish out my tech job mid December. I have not shadowed a PT since then. I instead continued to work as a server to save up for PT school. I truly thought I was going to attend the program I got accepted to, but recently my fiancé got a job opportunity near my dream program, and it made me re-think everything. I want to re-apply and see if I get into the program I want. What do you think I should do to make my application better? I think I need to shadow PTs some more and volunteer in my community, but I’m not sure what else to do. Please give me your advice. Also, do programs even consider in-progress/planned hours?

TLDR: Irrationally texted my ex parents after a breakup saying mean shit about her no threats just emotional dumb shit. Regret how childish I came off and feel like part of my healing even to move on fully is apologizing to grow. But I don’t want to bother as other redditors have exclaimed I should be lucky no restraining orders have been put out or I’m not in jail. I admit I said ugly shit but nothing that comes to threats or harm. Lmk please
Ex texted a bestfriend behind my back ending of last year ruining the friendship. Broke up with her, during that time I rekindled with someone else while occasionally texting my ex still not back together. Felt like I missed the warmth of my ex and dropped the new girl going back to my ex fully beginning of this year. Missed the support and love from my ex that I never truly got. Girl told me ex about our dirty laundry, causing trust issues in the whole relationship. Trust me when I tell you I felt more than guilty. I balled my eyes out with her and not even for getting caught for the reaction she had and how fragile she always was to me. I mention what she had does because stupidly I should have left when I had the chance. Even other instances where she had initiated things, I knew it might have not been the healthiest but she showed other signs of real true love. Tried fixing them by removing girls, sharing location, etc. I felt scared my ex is gonna get revenge and started being distant at the end which pushed her away as well. I thought we would get back together as always, found out she’s been adding guys she removed a long time ago. I got upset and texted her ugly nasty shit, and texted her dad saying his daughter is nasty etc. I thought by doing this I’d move on quicker by burning bridges, he told me to leave them alone I’m being childish. I understand I fucked up and fully agree. She’s done things and I know I shouldn’t have let be, but staying and getting revenge wasn’t the way. I’m realizing that as the hours even go by everyday I think about it. I want to apologize to the parents for the lack of character I had because I never ONCE disrespected them in their house, to their face. I called them Mr and Mrs always and always asked if they needed anything. I talked to a close female friend who said this stuff needs time and I can apologize if I’d like and if it makes me feel better, or write a letter and burn it. My parents said that’s not my character and said apologize if you feel necessary as I wasn’t raised like that. I feel like it’s too late to backtrack on the stupid shit I said. Am I being selfish by sending a text? I just want this weight off my chest of being the shitty person at the end at least to her parents who didn’t need any of that.
Is it smart to reach back out to the parents to show respect as an adult or just let them be? I know this was a lot but it’s on my heart and brain everyday since. I just felt hurt cause she said she wouldn’t seek revenge but the moment we had stopped talking she acted like I meant nothing. I understand now I have done the same to her in the past and maybe this is her way of moving on but still not ok with the way my character was at the end.

My(I am 20M and she is 20F) ex girlfriend is coming to my place to pick up some mail concerning things from the government because she doesn’t have an address in the US that she can use for mail at the moment. I don’t mind letting her use it. We were together for 2 years.
To sum up our relationship, amazing first year and was perfect especially with senior year of highschool in the middle of it, afterwards I developed really selfish and narcissistic tendencies and I hurt her by making her feel unimportant. I know what I did and I want to be how I was in the beginning again. But anyways, after that, two months ago we broke up. She checked in on me and we had a couple stays together, slept together, and I thought I could fix things but she told me she didn’t want me to be there for her, she wants to be herself and be independent, and she doesn’t want me to be there except for our cat-child that I raised with her towards the end of our relationship.
Now after all that i see she’s getting important mail and I never got to tell her that I’m going to change and that I realized I was selfish and a narcissistic asshole. I want to say that I will be the person I was before because I know that’s who I am truly inside.
As for why i became that way, I prioritized a career over her and I also let my ex girl best friend (my age) know way too much about our relationship and I talked to her too fluently. I’ve erased those things from my life realizing just how important she was and I’m going to keep it that way no matter what.
With the last interactions me and this girl had, the last two visits I feel like I showed profoundly that I wanted to fix things because she’s extremely precious to me and she herself told me I was doing really well, and then she hit me with that “I don’t want a relationship.” “I can’t be in a relationship with you.” She named reasons like I don’t actually miss her, just her presence, I just want the old version of her, saying that I somewhere said I can’t be as good as I was for her in the beginning..
All things I’m not sure were accurate at all but I understand that her experience with me is entirely influential about how she thinks I feel.
To get back to the point, she’s coming to see me for a split second for the mail, I’ve been in no contact for 2weeks and had to break it for this, but I want to do something.
As foolish as it sounds and my friends told me I shouldn’t but I want to get her a gift, some flowers, and I have letters I want to give her and give her the freedom of taking and reading them if she wants to, letters about my reflection of my mistakes and how much I want her back, what I want to change and etc. Things of that nature. And of course say things about my narcissism and that I’m working on it. She told me she misses the old me and I know that’s who I really am, I’d do anything to show her that. I was a selfless lover who truly loved her and I regret everything.
Should I give that to her? To clarify, I really don’t want anything from her at all. If anything it’s just an act of affection for damn near no reason and then the letters I hope she reads and understands that I want to change, whether she reconsiders the relationship or not. I’m going to keep no contact afterwards anyway..
But I’m on the fence about it because while I don’t think she’ll take it as a broken boundary, and I’m scared that she might just be waiting for me to show signs of change or effort or anything. I’m scared doing NOTHING is actually the wrong choice.
Any advice at all is appreciated. I really want things to work out with her, the problems in our relationship are being worked on, on my end and I’m taking responsibility for everything that happened, but I still want to make logical and respectful decisions. I just feel like this risk is worth it, I believe having loved over not loving at all is greater than not loving given the opportunity to..
Sorry for the Yapping session.
(P.S I’ve realized I get immature in these situations and I’m getting advice here to make sure I do the right thing because I want that to change too.)

I love your big cheeks when you smile. You always wanted to get braces, but I love your teeth the way they are.
I love your soft heart. I’d always admire how you cry. I’m sorry I made you cry so much sometimes. I’m too much like my parents.
I love that you always want to grow and how you can look forward. I’m so proud of you. I’m so grateful I was there to see you get your degree, to see you move out, to be part of your life.
I love that you love yellow and sunflowers and the sky. You were always so bright. I also don’t like it now too, because whenever I see something happy, I think of you, and it makes me really sad. Being happy makes me sad.
If art was for me, music was for you. I miss hearing you hum and sing. You’re a great singer. I can’t listen to soft songs anymore.
I loved giving you my last bite every time. Sitting across from you made me happy. It was always enough for me to just be with you. I didn’t need any gifts or flowers or letters, but I got those too anyway.
Sometimes you’d slap your big belly, and I’d slap it too. I liked that. Do you remember when I’d cuff your sleeves before work? Or run to get your hairbrush one more time? How you’d scare me through the window while I washed the dishes? How I’d hug you at the door when you came home? Scrubbing your back in the shower? Waking you up just so I could remind you that I love you? I miss calling you over so you could just lay on top of me. When we rolled on the floor after moving into your new apartment.
My friends and family say I idealize you too much. But I don’t think so. I did the cliche thing, the important healing step, where I made a list of all the pet peeves and transgressions. But it didn’t feel right, hating you or villainizing you. You had your flaws, your quirks and those were fine with me. It just reminded me you were human. The weird way you sleep, how’d you get a little too angry at video games, how you’d be too anxious to go out sometimes. I love the human you.
Sometimes I wish you were horrible to me, to make this easier. Everyone else I talk to had horrible exes, mean ones. When I listen to their stories, it’s not you I think about. It’s me, maybe. Maybe that’s what I am to you.
I went to Chickfila and Cheesecake Factory on my own to try and replace our memories. I took myself to brunch and looked at the colors of the floor, the ceilings and the letters hanging on the wall to stay grounded. I browsed the shelves of the Korean Mart where I’d buy you snacks and looked at the chocolate bar selection at Aldi’s. I went to an arcade with new strangers I met and tried to win myself my own prize.
My therapist asked me to recall a happy memory, a content one. I told her about how I drove your car over the Golden Gate Bridge. We stopped at the viewing vista over the San Francisco Bay, and I kissed you on the cheek as I took a picture. It was my favorite picture of us, I had it printed so many times and pinned to my wall. In that memory, I felt safe, I felt warm, I felt content, I felt loved.
I hate how you said I never loved you, how I am unable to love. What is this feeling then? And where does this pain come from, if not my shattered heart?
Because I love you, I’m supposed to let you go. Be happy for you and send you off with love. But you’re not here anyway, so I hope it’s okay if I hold on for a little while longer. Write you a letter, or two, and look for you in every song lyric and in every flower by the street. Think of you as the clouds pass by and feel you in my chest when I find a laugh.

Hi all, longtime listener, first-time caller. Please see my query and first 300 below.
My biggest question is this: 95% of the story takes place in 2014, but the book opens in 2020 when my main character receives a letter from the California Dept of Fair Housing & Employment informing her of an investigation into behavior at Chatpic. Receiving the letter spurs her to tell the story of what happened back then. The book checks back into 2020 in the middle as my MC tries to get more information about the investigation, and then it ends back in 2020 again when she decides what she wants to do about the letter.
The reason the story takes place in 2014 is because the time period--pre #MeToo/Donald Trump/the workplace reckoning of 2020--informs the decisions the MC makes back then, and she's looking back at it from a wiser perspective. If you've read The Rachel Incident, Caroline O'Donoghue does a similar thing as she retells a 2008 abortion story from the perspective of present day.
In the end, the investigation is not a driving force of the plot--so my question is how important is it that it's mentioned in the query? I ask because I've found that trying to add that piece to what I've already written starts to get convoluted, though obviously I can work at it. I think it's very clear once you read the first 300, but for agents who don't want a sample, is it clear in the blurb that this story is looking back to a time gone by?
Mostly looking for insight on this question specifically, but if you have further feedback about the letter for first 300, open to that as well. Thanks!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear [Agent],
Thank you for the opportunity to submit my query for TERMS OF SERVICE, a true-ish fictional story about a young woman in a nearly impossible workplace a la UNCANNY VALLEY meets THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA (with shades of 9 TO 5). TERMS OF SERVICE is complete at 95,000 words.
It’s 2014 and down-and-out celebrity blogger Maggie Clarke is desperate for a fresh start. Not only is she broke in New York City, but at 31, she thought she’d be writing something a little less embarrassing than Justin Bieber listicles by now. When her longtime internet friend Aron York–recently named the world’s youngest billionaire–offers her a lucrative position at his massively popular social media app Chatpic that puts her at the center of his inner circle in Los Angeles, it’s exactly the step-up she’s been waiting for. As Maggie learns to manage the always-on hours, the slew of acronyms, and the unlimited access to free cold brew, she encounters another more complicated problem–the boys’ club. Except this isn’t the typical ham-fisted sexism she’s used to–this is the tech bro variety: insidious, inexorable, and infuriating. When she meets an ambitious young reporter who encourages her to speak out, Maggie has a shot at revenge. But in a world before mansplaining and microaggressions, is blowing the whistle worth the risk? And is anyone ready to hear it?
Like Maggie, I was also plucked from internet obscurity by the world’s (then) youngest billionaire, [redacted], to come work at his massively popular social media app, [redacted company]. I was a founding member of the company’s content team, and all I have to show for it is six footnotes in the [redacted company] biography [redacted title] and the brutal feminist awakening that inspired me to write this manuscript. Before that, I was a full-time writer in New York whose work has appeared on MTV, Rolling Stone and Elle. Currently I’m a content and editorial consultant in Chicago, and I’m also on TikTok where 21,000 people watch me rant about work and office culture. (It’s also where 2M people enjoyed my show-and-tell video about the “sentimental” stock certificates [redacted company previously mentioned] gave a few early employees–that were worth exactly $0.00.)
As the agent who represents [Author 1] and [Author 2], you have a strong list when it comes to complex female characters embroiled in complicated social dynamics. TERMS OF SERVICE would be a great addition to this track because, while similar themes of class and workplace are explored, my flavor of levity and sarcasm makes my work distinct from [Author 1] and [Author 2], bringing a new facet to your program.
If you are interested in reading TERMS OF SERVICE, I would be happy to forward a sample of any length you suggest. Thank you for your consideration!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
First 300:
Chapter 1
2020
A lot of people might revel in the idea of receiving a letter announcing an investigation into their ex-employer.
One might, for example, envision draping themselves in a mink stole, lighting the cigarette at the end of their old-timey cigarette holder, and dialing the investigator’s number from a rotary phone atop a solid wood desk under shadowy, film noir lights. One might then imagine whispering I knew this day would come into the receiver between bursts of psychotic, hysterical laughter as they rejoiced in the long overdue arrival of the long arm of the law.
But me, I wasn’t so sure. Maybe because I didn’t have a mink stole.
No, I was crouched on the ground of my parents’ musky basement in Des Plaines, Illinois, knee-deep in piles of old diaries and CDs when I received notice of one such letter. It was month four of COVID, and Dad and I were only halfway through his cleaning list. He was already a germaphobe so a global pandemic was all he needed to justify a top-to-bottom disinfection of the entire house. And since my routine trip home in the middle of March turned into a hapless extended stay when the world shut down, it was the perfect excuse to put me to work. Just like the good old days.
We wiped down every square inch of the place. We soaked the faucet heads in lemon juice, we scrubbed the coffee mugs with baking soda. We vacuumed the damn fridge.
Reorganizing the basement shelves was a beast. Every box was like a Russian nesting doll of useless crap: old TV Guides, corroded double-A batteries, dried-out cans of paint primer, an unsettling number of hand saws. I made decent headway through the “tools” and “electronics,” but I lost all steam when I got to my high school stuff—faded Polaroids and folded-up notes stopped me in my tracks.

I’m lost completely in life I don’t know what I’m doing anymore there’s so much that feels wrong but I can pinpoint what it is. It’s like that feeling that you wanna curl up in a ball and cry but you can’t your body isn’t letting you
I’m trying to decide how to go, OD? But you hear all these stories about how when they don’t work they just put you in more pain than youre already in and I’m stuck do I chance it and just take a ton and hope for the best or should I think it out a bit more
I don’t know should I write letters to my family or to just say my goodbyes that day then go. It’s hard to tell because some people will find that letter as a reminder but don’t wanna throw it out but others would want one and that’s not really a question I can exactly ask my family yk?
I don’t know should I get rid of my things because some parents like to keep their kids rooms the same while others can’t bear it. I want to make this as easy for my parents and siblings to get out and to just moved on but I’m not sure how
Any advice or guidance would be so appreciated

I grew up homeschooled, with four siblings in the house but I still spent every minute alone that I could get. Psychologically I might as well be an only child. My mom recently told me she used to think I didn't like her because I never wanted to spend time with her, or anyone. Now that I have a job I keep being surprised at what a drive my coworkers have to talk to each other while they work. But I was an obsessive reader, writer, and daydreamer as a kid - I felt like I got to know authors through their writing, I cried over friendships between fictional characters - and in hindsight I think I did have the same social urge other people have, but for some reason I tried to fulfill it in a distant and imaginary way through stories, while rejecting the real people all around me.
I've always thought people were made for love, but I'm getting so tired of leaving the house and interacting with them. I can see so much in them that would be incredibly lovable if I could just be invisible and observe them, like a reader observing characters in a book. But they talk to me and I have to figure out a response in real time, and with all the noise and my hearing problems and stress and tiredness (but I'm only 25 and single with no kids, so I don't know what real stress and tiredness are), I'm two steps away from shutting down. I wish I could just look at my basic job with tunnel-vision and get through the work day asleep. But it eats away at me when I know someone is working with me who wants to talk, when I know I'm not being receptive enough as a listener, when I know my silence is contagious and silence is miserable for most of the people at my workplace. I'm terrible to be around and once I thought so hard about this that I cried in front of people at work, thus making myself even more terrible to be around.
I recently started working with someone who's not a good worker, but was actually fun for me to talk to. She was goofy, smart, upfront about her life and had some things in common with me. I thought this was a potential friend and I came on too strong. Now I'm embarrassed, think maybe she doesn't actually want someone as lame and awkward as me to keep taking the initiative to talk to her, so I've stopped taking the initiative. I even failed completely to acknowledge her several times today (we're working in different areas now but passed each other by several times). But she's mentioned having no friends, she invited me to friend her on Facebook, maybe she will be perceiving this as a potential cool friendship ruined and wonder why I'm doing it, maybe I'm making her hate herself.
I don't want to have to go to work again and either face her or not face her tomorrow. There are several other coworker relationships that make me want to quit when I think about them. There are perfectly good people that I actually like and yet, without wanting to, I keep acting as though I dislike them.
If I hadn't been homeschooled I would have been through all this in middle school and might have a better idea how to handle it. But I spent too much time alone in a house doing nothing, and I want to go back to that. I want to be forgotten by everyone. I hate showing up at work and in society again and having to be forgiven for whatever fuckup I'll make today. I hate hurting people by being there. I hate the selfish worrying about what they think of me, but I can't stop. I really, really badly want people to like me, but they are so exhausting it makes me want to go live in a hut in the woods.