M21
Ever since a certain oral sex encounter this past fall, I’ve been experiencing sporadic pain that’s kinda sharp in what feels to be my urethra that can be triggered by sudden movements which lingers for about 15 seconds then goes away. I’ve also noticed it’s harder for me to maintain erections . After the encounter u had swollen lymph nodes for a while too which have calmed down. I’ve taken the standard panel std tests and everything came back clean but it’s like a still suspect something to be the cause. It’s there anyone that may no what it is or give any advice ?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Joining Kaseya was supposed to be the highlight of my career. They promised growth, opportunity, and a chance to be part of something great. What I found instead was a toxic environment where fear and intimidation ruled. Every day, I watched as my colleagues and I were pushed to our limits, not for the sake of innovation or progress, but to satisfy the egos of a disconnected management.
We were told that we were part of a family, yet the moment things got tough, they discarded us without a second thought. The sacrifices we made were immense. I missed my child's first steps, countless family dinners, and holidays that I will never get back. All because I was trying to meet the unrealistic demands of a company that never cared about its employees.
Management’s hypocrisy is staggering. They preached about work-life balance and mental health, yet their actions showed they valued neither. Instead, they fostered a culture where overworking was the norm, and speaking up meant putting a target on your back. We were not employees to them; we were cogs in a machine, easily replaceable and utterly undervalued.
The emotional toll this environment took on me and my colleagues is indescribable. We entered Kaseya full of hope and enthusiasm, only to be worn down by constant pressure and a complete lack of appreciation. We gave our all, only to be told it was never enough. The stress and anxiety became unbearable, affecting not only our professional lives but our personal ones as well.
Kaseya's management needs to understand that their so-called “cleaning exercises” are more than just business decisions—they have real, devastating impacts on people's lives. They might see employees as numbers on a spreadsheet, but each layoff represents a person with a family, dreams, and a future that they have cruelly disrupted.
To all those considering joining Kaseya or doing business with them, think twice. Behind the flashy exterior lies a company that thrives on exploitation and manipulation. There are better places to work, and more ethical companies to partner with. No job or contract is worth the emotional and mental strain that comes with being associated with Kaseya.
I hope that someday, those at the top will realize the pain and suffering they’ve caused. I hope they experience the same betrayal and disillusionment they inflicted on so many of us. And when that day comes, I hope they finally understand that true leadership is about valuing and uplifting people, not tearing them down for the sake of profit. Karma will come for them, and the industry will move on, stronger and more compassionate without their toxic presence.

Sorry... lot of words here... hopefully it will make sense....
I've been walking 7 miles every day ( ok.... I didn't walk my 7 miles on Jan 14, but... other than that... 7 miles every day is what I do. ) I've walked over 3,000 miles in the last year or so. Walking is not new to me. I've got the walking every day part down. I get up at about 6:30 am-ish, drink a cup of coffee, check my emails, take care of some bathroom tasks and am out the door between 7:15 and 7:45. I go to the mall, I walk for 2 hours and 20 minutes to 2 hours and 30 minutes and get about 15K steps in. I've also started ( about 8 weeks ago ) walking with a weight vest. I started off with about 10lbs and I could only do every other mile. Now... I can do all 7 miles with a 25lb setup on my weight vest. I'm about to add another 6 - 10 lbs to my vest. I did all 7 miles with the 25lb setup and I feel really good... no lingering back pain. I think that the vest is helping strengthen my core. The mall has water and restrooms, air conditioned / heated, etc... so it's a perfect walking environment for me. I am 60 yrs old. I was 275lb for YEARS... ( down from 320 when I was 30-ish. ) I started walking, eating a TON of lettuce for lunch and oatmeal for dinner. I was down to 169 lbs ... but then I started eating more protein ( chicken, beef soup, less lettuce ) and I might have started eating more sweets. I am back up to 205 lbs.... loosing weight is still hard.. it's always been hard... but it's something I can do... it's just not easy.
I have some weights at the house and a rower and ab bench... but I just don't use them that often. I should.... probably... but it takes me most of the day to recover from my 7 mile morning walk. I am not all super energized at 5pm.. wanting to do rowing and weight bench stuff.
Anyway... this is my world now. I eat less ( than I used to ), I eat what I think is healthier that I used to, and am I walking 7 miles every day with my weight vest.
I drink a 30g protein drink on my drive to the mall... that's most of my protein and besides a cup of coffee... that's my breakfast.
After my 2 hr and 20+ minute walk when I get home, I snack on peanut butter pretzels ( a handful or two ) or 3 graham cracker or a few handfuls of vanilla wafers. At 12:00 I feed my cat and I eat about 100g of shredded romaine lettuce, some thousand island dressing and croutons and some crackers.
I snack and drink lots of coffee... I drink about a gallon of coffee a day.
At 6pm I feed my cat and I make myself a 1/2 cup of 5 minute oatmeal. I have that and 2 - 4 slices of 45cal toast.
Then I snack a bit and stop eating stuff after 8:30pm.
So... that's my day.... should I eat something BEFORE I go on my walk? It would need to be quick... or I'd have to get up earlier to fix it and eat it. I need to get my walk going by 8am so I can walk and not have to worry about mall crowds.... got to start by 8am.
When I get back.. is there something better than my snacking... probably... but what?
my goal is to get back down to 175 or so and maintain that weight. I want to stay way below 200. I also don't want to loose mussel as I get older.... 60 this year... so I know that I need to think about that too.
What do you guys think... any common sense suggestions?
Thanks - jack

My golden is a big ole doofus, endearingly so, but he is so dirty. I tried keeping up with washing him while I was pregnant but now I dont have the time and neither does my husband because he has taken on a lot of the heavy duty work and almost every chore (its slowly coming back to being my responsibility for the household chores but I do appreciate my husband so much for this) It has been so rainy and he loves the mud. Even not on rainy days he flips his water bowl to play in the water and then the dirt. I can’t wash him every. single. day and I am avid on making my animals feel a part of the family. The past couple of days I have been trying to let my 4m old pet him and hold his face and as soon as my dog takes his head away my stomach drops from seeing the amount of dirt on my baby. I try to contain the disgust and let them interact while the baby is on my lap a bit longer then I immediately take the baby to wash his hands and legs where the dog would rest his chin. Is it ok to let such a dirty pet to be touching my baby like that? I want them to love each other so bad and my baby does enjoy it while he watches and pets him. He does so with all the animals but I got our golden specifically for him and I can see how much my golden wants to love him. I dont let him lick the baby or anything even though he wants to really bad so his solution is to hold his very dirty ball in his mouth while the baby pets him so he doesn’t have the urge to lick him. When did you guys let your pets interact? How did you control the dirty aspect of pets?

Hello, I need some advise pls. I have been working from home since lockdown. A year ago we started going back to office once a week which then became twice a week by end of 2023. I started being unwell during lockdown with back pain and various joint issues. I was finally diagnosed lat November with a rare autoimmune disease (chronic and progressive) that can only be cured with Immunosuppressants. I started a therapy and I was encouraged to disclose my illness to my work which I did. Work ordered an Occupational Therapist assessment (in Feb). The assessor recommended I work from home for time being, at least until I get the therapy working and / or I feel better. My immediate boss is completely OK with this. I take very strong medications which make me feel quite sick and also I am unable to get up and get ready very quickly, I need breaks, I cannot walk long, stairs are difficult and at times get exhausted. A month ago we were told that we need to be at work at least 3 times a week. I spoke to my boss and HR and they agreed that I should apply for Alternative work arrangements on medical grounds (working from home) and they fully supported it with the intention of going in as and when I felt I could cope but not feeling under pressure to have to be there 3 times a week. Senior management have sent back my request (I haven't had a reason why yet. By all intents my illness can be considered a disability. I haven't had a meeting with HR or anybody else yet totalk this through and would like to know what my options are. I would like to add that I have been doing my job from home since 2020 and got a promotion in the meantime as well so my performance is not an issue. Thank you!

My baby (toddler? child?) has just turned 1 and I'm going back to work in around 3 weeks after a wonderful 13 and a bit months off.
At the moment we still breastfeed multiple times through the day and night. Baby will not take a bottle and I hate pumping. He's taken quite well to cow's milk so I thought nursery could replace his daytime milk feeds with dairy and I would continue doing a morning and evening feed.
I've been advised to cut down the daytime feeds so I don't get engorged when I go back to work, but I'm finding this really hard as he's such a boob monster, and when I have milk and he wants milk it's physically painful if I don't feed him.
Am I shooting myself in the foot here? I know my milk will regulate when I go back to work but how long will it take to do that?
Thanks in advance 🩷🥛

Another thread here yesterday was talking about how painful these biopsies are. I have my first appointment in years this week and the reason I haven’t gone is because of the fear of being told I need a biopsy. I have never experienced one.
So if you’ve had one and sworn off, what’s the plan? No paps? Deal with it if it comes up? Im only going back because menopause is around the corner and after frequenting that sub holy crap a lot of stuff can go wrong. I may need to be seen quickly and don’t want to not have a provider. I’m actually not interested in a Pap smear and am low risk for those cancers but I doubt they’d see me if I refused one.

I hope you are doing better today than yesterday. (TLDR at the end; or enjoy my story :) )

Why:

About 11 months ago, I launched my app for the first time on lonely because I had previously experienced loneliness myself during grad school. I wanted to reach out to people going through similar experiences by providing them with what would’ve helped me in the past.
I felt this was an important mission for me and a much more rewarding one than my day job that I quit my job to work on the app full-time.
It was necessary because I did not come from a programming background. I knew how to program in the sense of running scientific simulations on MATLAB, but creating the front-end and back-end for a consumer app was totally new to me, so I had to learn from scratch.
I enjoyed everyday going to a cafe to learn from programming crash courses on YouTube, developing the app little by little, and eventually launching the app! The initial response was actually pretty great: 220 upvotes for the app launch post, which I proudly pinned in my bio :)

How:

I made the app to be based on voice, and nothing else: no profiles, no profile photos, and even no texts. The reason for that was I felt a lot of people felt lonely and had trouble finding meaningful online connections because of the modern communication medium which actually promotes superficial and viral contents over authentic and long-form contents. It is easy to see from examples: TikTok’s 30 second videos, Instagram’s eye-popping photos by beautiful people from the globe, and Twitter(X)’s 140-char spicy takes. Sure, these platforms offer us information about DIYs, trends, and news that can enrich our lives and entertain us, but they don’t by all means help us feel more connected to individuals. Even on Reddit, the contents tend to be more wholesome and there are hilarious comments that build on top of each other, but the actual sense of connection you feel with the users is tenuous.
Focusing on voice worked! It was incredible listening to the heartfelt messages from strangers from all over the world who opened up about their loneliness and didn’t mind being vulnerable to other strangers. I have personally spoke with everyone that came by. The 14k minutes of voice messages do not include my own voice messages; they are all messages that people left for their own posts, to each other, or as replies to me.

Highlights:

There were some incredible moments, which would be too long to share in this post (leave a comment if you want to hear more!), but some of the highlights were (note: these are all from public conversations):

• Lady in New Brunswick, Canada was extremely depressed after a difficult divorce and felt being on the life’s edge. She was getting scammed left and right on dating apps and was losing hope. She told me that I was the only one that she felt she could trust and talk to, and she probably wouldn’t be here if I ever stopped talking to her. Thankfully, she eventually managed to find a boyfriend and she thanked me for having always been there for her. She still came back to the app to act as a supporter for other lonely souls for a while!
• Gentleman in New York, USA felt isolated in a farm and felt he had no real connections with anyone. He shared with me and other users about his life growing various vegetables, but stopped coming on the app for a couple of months. When he came back, he was pleasantly surprised by the app’s development, felt I really believed in my mission to help lonely souls, and became an evangelist for my app :) He posted on several forums on Reddit and engaged in conversations with many users on the app.

What was also incredible was that there were not only people experiencing loneliness here, but also people who did not feel lonely but were on the app to support others going through loneliness. They would share stories and studies related to loneliness in their posts, and also try to talk to some lonely folks on the app who seemed very hardened by their experience of loneliness which made them cynical and pessimistic. The concept of compassionate listening by Thich Nhat Hanh and Polyvagal theory that explains 3 levels of our nervous system are a few things they mentioned that come to my mind. Unfortunately, these efforts by supporters were often, so to speak, ineffective in solving people’s loneliness.

What I learned:

And that was part of what made it so hard to have a sustainable ecosystem on my app: many people who have been lonely for a long period of time had their personalities and social skills hardened to the point that they either:

• did not know how to engage with others by understanding social cues and sharing stories about themselves that allow themselves to be vulnerable to others, which allows for deeper social connections
• felt they are never good enough, they are stuck in their situation, and there is nothing that can help them get better. Any help or suggestions offered by others would only work on others and did not apply to them.

My hope for the app was to help people who experience loneliness find and support each other. By providing the platform for them to voice out their stories, have them be heard by others, and find others who resonate and reply, I thought they would finally find friends whom they can relate to, share their lives with, and would no longer have to feel lonely again.
However, the reality was that many were hardened by loneliness and it was hard for such connections to materialize. Plus, one of the main ways for an app like this to grow is by word of mouth. Unfortunately, most people experiencing loneliness did not have anyone to share the app with, which stunted the app’s growth and mostly depended on me manually bringing users onto the platform.
With fewer chances of having good interactions, even the people who really resonated with the app and shared stories slowly stopped coming back. Some just suddenly ghosted, which made the experience on the app painful for other engaged people on the app.

My hope for the future:

I still believe that there are more people out there experiencing loneliness who have the deep desire to share their stories and find the long-term friends across the globe who understand each other and can share slices of their lives with.
So, if you are someone that can benefit from sharing stories and solve your loneliness this way, feel free to check out my app at https://bubblic.app
Also, if you know of any way I can improve the app to better help people experiencing loneliness, please leave a comment.
Lastly, word of mouth would really help. If you like the app, or if you know someone who would benefit from the app, please share it with others!

TLDR:

I created an app focused on voice communication to help lonely people connect, inspired by my own experiences. Despite an encouraging start and meaningful interactions, many users struggled to form lasting connections due to the deep impact of their loneliness. Growth has been slow, mainly reliant on my efforts. If you know someone who might benefit, please share my app: https://bubblic.app. Feedback is also welcome! Tech stack used:
Backend

• AWS Websocket, DynamoDB, Cognito, S3, Lambda

AI

• WhisperX model running on laptop locally

Frontend

• Flutter

So my lab's SOPs mandate we use Type II water to fill our waterbath, and we have a Sartorius Type II water dispenser, with the dispense button in a not so ergonomic position (on the top of the back of the pistol shaped handle), with the spring on the button being pretty stiff for me. The locking pin to keep the water dispensing without holding the button broke off, and we are still waiting on repairs. Our waterbath requires 12L of water, and takes 8-10 minutes to dispense 6L.
I'm personally not a very strong person, and none of my coworkers were busy at the moment (just sitting in the office talking). I dispensed the first 6L myself, and by the end my hand was cramping. I tried using some labtape to hold down the button, but it ripped right through. We didn't have any rubber bands to hold the button down either. So I asked my coworkers "I am experiencing physical discomfort , bordering on pain doing this lab task, I have 6 of the 12L dispensed, does anyone mind dispensing the other 6L?"
Their response is that I need to go to the gym, if they can do it, I can do it, they aren't going to get up from their desks, put on a labcoat, just to press and hold a button, it's a petty request, and it's my responsibility for the week, not theirs. I kinda understand where they are coming from, but I feel that a) we are in an outstanding circumstance where a piece of equipment is partially broken, requiring more effort than normal (this a lab job, not a construction job), and b) I am expressing that I am in physical discomfort doing this task. If one of my coworkers told me they were in pain/having discomfort, and asked for help with a task, I would hop on to help in a heartbeat. Am I crazy for asking for help?
Personally I think we should have an automated volumetric water dispenser, use tap water with a water softener, or just buy the water (we already do that for ELISAs, but not in enough volume for the waterbath), but I don't make the budget.

Not sure if anyone knows what it’s called, but the big wooden statue of a woman with her arms in the air… I remember walking in front of it and taking group photos by it in 2017, but in 2022 and 2023 it was behind a fence out in the woods. (Kind of by that cut through towards the entrance of the forest).
Since the sticker this year has her featured, does anyone think they’ll move her back into the spotlight? Or was it just a cool sticker design…
I also feel like they used to do a TON of really orante flower and plant displays back in 2017, but they’ve seemed toned down significantly in recent years.

Hello,
Concerned dad here 🙋🏼‍♂️
My 5yo son has a some form of diagnosis from a private practitioner (I’m not completely sold but that’s another thread altogether)
That being said I think it’s evident that it’s probably accurate and im trying to be open minded and avoid denial.
Recently he’s gone back a year in school which I felt would be beneficial as he has a global development delay anyway and should have been held back before he started (another another thread)!
His new teacher has suggested to us that he may benefit from being medicated for ADHD, now this worries me as there are so many pros and cons attached and stigmas to boot!
The teacher acknowledged he is super bright but really struggles to concentrate and maintain a task for longer periods of time, which I see at home helping him learn to read with the curriculum books etc.
I know I can’t get a definite answer but I’m trying to understand ADHD at a rapid rate and determine what’s best for my son and mitigate all bad side effects or know what’s coming if this route is taken and what are alternatives that could actually be effective.
Could zeolite help? Are there medicines that aren’t stimulants but work? Could he become dependent on them having a longer term knock on into other drugs? Appetite loss is a no really as he is under weight anyway, how is that navigated.
I just want him to be happy, comfortable and keep being his lovely sweet self.
The format of this post will likely be annoying to some and I’m sorry, I’m kind of frantically trying to get my thoughts out as they happen!
Thanks 🙏

$300 NO TRADES Shipping or meetups Markham. Final Sale, ship on buyer.
everything pictured- $300 JDG P80 Lower from WGCSHOP Agency Trigger Ace 1 Arms Agency RMR cut slide, bought second hand, didn't know rmr threads were stripped. Agency Comp Repro X300U Airsoft Collective G17 W/ X300U kydex holster, multicam kydex print with Arid wrap and repro mid ride, just needs the qls fork. 2 WE Mags, gunsmodify gas routes. 1 TM boneyard mag Don't have an exact parts list but some of the Trigger group has been upgraded and the recoil spring is as well. Extra Trigger housing and hammer, sai Trigger. Might be able to find more parts.
Slide has some friction with a mag in, but fires fine and snappy, slide locks back. Outer barrel wobbles.
https://imgur.com/a/XhdRSXh

I’m curious as to the experience of anyone else who is on Zepbound and doesn’t have a gallbladder.
I had my gallbladder removed when I was 17 due to (what I now know what rapidly unhealthy) weight loss triggering gallstones. I’ve had to be careful in the 20-ish years since to make sure that I eat about the same amount of fat in a day—either too much more or less in any direction and things get unpleasant quickly.
I was tracking food intake with Zep, mostly to make sure I was getting enough protein and maintaining a healthy level of fat (because I’d read Zep can make people even more sensitive to fat). I needed to take a stool softener and up my fiber intake but was otherwise fine.
This last week, I ran out of Zepbound and about 9 days after my last dose, I had a terrible stomach ache—reminded me of back when I first got my gallbladder out, before I learned how to monitor my fat intake. I hadn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary, and didn’t overeat, but I was bloated and in a lot of pain.
I’m only on 5mg and don’t plan on going up anytime soon, and am just curious about anyone else who doesn’t have a gallbladder and has done on (or off) this med and what your experience was.

Joining Kaseya was supposed to be the highlight of my career. They promised growth, opportunity, and a chance to be part of something great. What I found instead was a toxic environment where fear and intimidation ruled. Every day, I watched as my colleagues and I were pushed to our limits, not for the sake of innovation or progress, but to satisfy the egos of a disconnected management.
We were told that we were part of a family, yet the moment things got tough, they discarded us without a second thought. The sacrifices we made were immense. I missed my child's first steps, countless family dinners, and holidays that I will never get back. All because I was trying to meet the unrealistic demands of a company that never cared about its employees.
Management’s hypocrisy is staggering. They preached about work-life balance and mental health, yet their actions showed they valued neither. Instead, they fostered a culture where overworking was the norm, and speaking up meant putting a target on your back. We were not employees to them; we were cogs in a machine, easily replaceable and utterly undervalued.
The emotional toll this environment took on me and my colleagues is indescribable. We entered Kaseya full of hope and enthusiasm, only to be worn down by constant pressure and a complete lack of appreciation. We gave our all, only to be told it was never enough. The stress and anxiety became unbearable, affecting not only our professional lives but our personal ones as well.
Kaseya's management needs to understand that their so-called “cleaning exercises” are more than just business decisions—they have real, devastating impacts on people's lives. They might see employees as numbers on a spreadsheet, but each layoff represents a person with a family, dreams, and a future that they have cruelly disrupted.
To all those considering joining Kaseya or doing business with them, think twice. Behind the flashy exterior lies a company that thrives on exploitation and manipulation. There are better places to work, and more ethical companies to partner with. No job or contract is worth the emotional and mental strain that comes with being associated with Kaseya.
I hope that someday, those at the top will realize the pain and suffering they’ve caused. I hope they experience the same betrayal and disillusionment they inflicted on so many of us. And when that day comes, I hope they finally understand that true leadership is about valuing and uplifting people, not tearing them down for the sake of profit. Karma will come for them, and the industry will move on, stronger and more compassionate without their toxic presence.

I have always stressed about money and I stupidly updated my phone plan and after 2 months it will cost more than i did before. I shouldnt have updated it. But i did it and when i realised my mistake it caused me to have a panic attack. I couldnt change it back to old plan. I couldnt breath and i cried on kitchen floor. This small thing is big because I have been unemployed for 6 months and haven't got a new job. So i stress over money all the time. I always have
I hate that my mind works like this. I hate that this mistake pushed me to suicidal thoughts. I want to die because I feel so stupid and worthless. At my previous job i got burn out because I tried to do everything correctly. Ta the time my mother apologized for me that she raised me to reach for perfection.
How do I get rid of this pain in my chest? How I ease my anxiety? How do I step away of this suicidal thoughts?

What are ways to take the pressure off (that weird pain tingling ache through your legs) feeling when walking have you tried? Am I not doing enough... My regular stretch in the morning, burning hot bath, leg braces combo helps but, I feel it's not enough. I've been getting massages one a week temporarily. I only use my wheelchair for long distances and in house as needed... Suggestions are appreciated 👏 💐

I'd like to ask you, fellow women in the spectrum, for your thoughts/experience/opinions regarding my marriage problem.
Disclaimer: English is not my native language. I am from Asia. I'm not sure what info is relevant or not to give context to my problem so this could be a lengthy post. Due to the post limit, I will try to continue in the comments. Any quote of my husband is a paraphrase/rough translation.
I (32F) am married with a daughter (9F). My husband (32M) and I work in the same company in Europe. We are in different departments but hold the same job title and have roughly the same salary (difference is miniscule).
I have two cousins that had asperger (M) and autism (F) diagnosis when we were young as well (primary school and kindergarten age, respectively). Last year (2023), I got an official asperger diagnosis (ICD10). This year (2024), my daughter also got an official asperger diagnosis (ICD10).
Back in 2020, I stumbled on some memes about autism that I found too relatable, started reading more about it and took some online diagnosis tests (which were positive). I was 'excited' because it would explain so much about my experiences and ongoing difficulties. I refrained from getting an official diagnosis because of the cost, the pandemic (difficult to travel or acquire services in general), lack of diagnostic services for adults in my home country, and, estrangement from birth family. But, the main reason really, was something my husband said after I related all of the above info to him excitedly (especially the symptoms that I think apply). He said dismissively with some exasperation "So? Everyone does that." I sort of deflated, started to doubt my unofficial self-diagnosis, and, just tried to carry on with my daily life.
Around 2022, we moved to Poland and my daughter started school here. Back in our home country, school was remote since 2020 because of the pandemic restrictions still. So this is her first face-to-face schooling in 2 years. She entered into school late for grade 1 but she quickly learned the language with lots of help.
Middle of grade 2 (2023) with a new teacher (this teacher was more capable than the first one generally), we got info from the school psychologist that she was having episodes of 'selective mutism' (didn't know this was the term at that time but it was basically that) and she had trouble recognizing her emotions. While the school was helping us with this issue, I finally took my self-diagnosis seriously because I suspected that my daughter was also on the spectrum. I raised the topic again with my husband. He was still skeptical but I went ahead anyway.
First, I found a diagnostic service in my Polish city that supports English but it took more than a year of waiting before we could get a slot for the online interviews, panel observations on location, etc.
... more in the comments ...

I'm 19 I live in greece. (drinking age is 18) It's christmas 3-4 in the morning and im returning home from a nice night out, it was pretty chill many friends showed up but nothing crazy happened, just laughing sharing stories, noone got shitfaced, no drama, no break ups/hook ups. It was really pleasant.
I live on what it is called ''grape rows'', its usually a huge extremely busy road connecting to the city and behind it, rows upon rows of houses all next to each other, those streets are pretty quiet which was cool growing up because we could play sports on the street. Every 500meters or so there would be a connecting road connecting you to all the other roads. As you go up the grape rows, street lights become scarce. At first you see the two street light lights meeting each other. As you go up there is a street light then 300meters of darkness then another light. I live at the tipy top of the grape rows.
This night happened to be extremely windy, so windy you could barely hear anything, as i'm coming close to a connecting road i make sure to look left and right in case i dont hear a car coming up. On my right about 500-300 meters away from me, i see a white square perfectly hovering 1,3 meters from the street. At first i thought it might be an albatross sitting on a garbage bin, and the bin beneath its not visible, but why would a garbage bin be in middle of the street ? then i thought it might be a white suitcase on top of a black car but still with all the windows of a car there is still some reflection even from from a black car. I kept staring at this thing. I started noticing it was very slowly coming towards me. There was literally nothing beneath it, this white square was not making any living moves, it was perfectly hovering.
Then 2 sticks came from the side of it, making it shaped like a cross, then the white square started coming towards very fast. I started sprinting with everything i got. I never looked back. It was really windy, it was so noisy, i could only hear my breathing and my heart beat, which made me focus on my run, the wind gave a nice breeze towards my face and the adrenalin was making my sprint effortless. After 4.5 kilometers of running my legs shut down, like a switch i fell on the street. I look back the white cross its almost at me.
The white cross stops, i hear laughing. A neighbour was sitting on the steering wheel of a black bicycle, Completely covering the driver of the bicycle, and the bicycle itself, He was wearing a glow in the dark long sleeve shirt and the rest of his outfit was black. He was holding his arms out while the other guy was bicycling behind him. The bicycle is surpisingly thin if you look at it facing you.
The neighbour said while laughing, ''you must have looked at your face, you were so scared, did you think we were gypsies?''. First of all thats racist. But i didnt want to admit what i trully thought, I believed in alien/ghost hybrids for 30 minutes while running for my life.

I feel like I could scream and cry, I’m so angry and desperate. I‘m (35 f) having my second BFS episode with twitches, jerks and for three weeks now, I’m having stiff legs and neck and sore muscles. I can’t walk well, it feels weird. I can’t sit on the floor and it’s even more painful to get up. I went to my doctor twice, but since my blood, lungs and heart seemed fine, he sent me off as healthy. He checked my knee and said, he can’t find anything and I should see an orthopedist. I tried to reach one, but I won’t be abled to see one in the next three months. I’m freaking out, cause my big, fancy wedding is in four weeks. I want to be be happy, but instead im sliding in a second episode of bfs and extreme health anxiety. Last time this happened, I had just given birth to my son and this absolutely destroyed month of my life that should have been wonderful, but I was in excruciating fear. I still can’t forgive myself for being this depressed, crazy, anxious person I was then. I don’t want to do this to my boyfriend again. I hate this, I’m scared and I feel so so let down by the medical system and by my f***** body.