Birthday sentences

I wish I could say this in a celebratory way. I rarely use reddit but recently the doctors have told me if i were to take any more chemo, it would kill me. My name is Sarah and I'm 17. I first got diagnosed with Ewing sarcoma when I was 15, as a tumour in my chest and on my right lung back in June 2022 and had to take 14 torturous cycles of a mix of 5 different chemos followed by radiotherapy for 6 weeks to my chest. Radiotherapy's side effects unfortunately hit me really tough as I had bad radiation pneumonitis to my right lung and it only kept getting worse and worse. My breathing was horrendous and I was coughing all the time, barely able to fit in a sentence without having to take a moment to rest. Though, all my doctors were telling me it was just radiotherapy's side effects and that it would get better gradually. Not in my case. January 2024, I was admitted to the hospital because of what I thought was an infection, but turned out to be much worse. The devastating news that the cancer had come back and the chest tumour had grown back but in a slightly different place with new tumours beginning to grow on my pelvis and spine. There was fluid surrounding my heart and left lung which was what was also making me so gradually breathless ontop of my radiation-damaged right lung. My blood oxygen dipped to as low as 75 on movement so I was very promptly put on oxygen therapy along with a chest drain to clear the fluid. After what felt like an eternity of waiting for biopsies and scan results, I eventually had to start chemo again but this time it was only supposed to be 6 cycles with a mix of 2 chemos. The chemo really was starting to damage me as I gained an infection with each cycle I took. It got really bad to the point where after cycle 3's infection, I was admitted to intensive care for the high-flow oxygen after not being able to breath at all because of a coughing fit. After doing a CT scan to figure out what's going on, my doctor had a conversation with me in which I will never forget. My right lung is completely stiff and can't expand due to the irreparable damage of radiotherapy, and only a small bit of my left lung was working at the time due to the infection being conveniently on my left lung. They had then dropped the bomb on me, decided it was best for me to stop my treatment because it would only kill me faster. Without treatment, I am expected to only live a few more months. It's been a week since receiving this news and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I still haven't told any of my friends because I just don't have the guts. My family's reaction is the most shattering bit. There's so many questions and so little answers. I want to try make the most of these last months but everyday, I feel an ache in my heart, not even knowing if I'll make it to my 18th birthday in October. I'm so sorry this turned out so long and thank you so much to whoever is spending the time to read my story, it means the world to me. :)

I (F) have a best friend (F), basically wayyyy before me and my female girl best friend met I had a guy best friend.
When I met my gbsf (we’re gonna call her Lana and we’re gonna call her ex Alex) when I met Lana I was already best friends with Alex eventually Lana and Alex liked each other and ofc they told me they liked the other.
Lana told me she liked Alex and Alex told me he liked Lana so without selling the other out to them I got them together everything was perfect for 8 months until they started arguing, they would ask for my opinion and I opted to stay out of it. (Cause they’re both my bsfs tf I supposed to help you w?)
When they broke up it was so messy, tears, fighting,screaming, petty remarks , rumors, Lana threw milk on Alex at one point (just acting like children)
Anyways, recently it was Alex’s birthday I posted on my Snapchat “Happy birthday ”Alex” you’re a good friend and I’m grateful for you “ I said happy birthday because for my birthday he got me presents and said happy birthday to me I’m obviously gonna have fucking manners and be cordial?
Whatever whatever said happy birthday he said thank you, later in the day Lana swipes up Saying “crazy.” I said “I’m sorry, are you upset ?” She said “Ian even mad ts js weird you told me he was flirting with you and now you’re writing paragraphs about him?”
FIRSTLY, after they broke up he would try to flirt with me but I told him to shut it down and it makes me uncomfortable and he stopped and ofc I told her (that’s my bsf fuck?) but I’m sorry paragraphs about him? Baby I wrote 3 SENTENCE WORTH I WROTE 12 WORDS. And one of those words was tagging him.
Anyways she called me weird and said she wasn’t mad she was js finding it weird, but then Lana’s little sister texted me saying “why are you fucking writing paragraphs about him when yk how badly he hurt Lana” first of all it was 12 fucking words..I told her “it was a couple words he got me stuff and said happy birthday on my birthday all I said was happy birthday I don’t get the issue with this ?”
Lana’s little sister proceeded to ridicule me (she’s in 5th grade I’m not finna argue w a child 😂😂😂) and I js said okay, when this all started and Lana texted me she told me I sajd “I love you “ to him but I never did that was another girl so, what? Anyways our texts went like this
Me - “ Then I don’t remember saying I love you to him but on some real shit I’m sorry if I upset you n shit I would be mad too ik you deserve better n I rlly don’t wanna fight w you abt smth like this n I get where you’re coming from 100% you’re absolutely right n shi n honestly I’m sorry about making you feel like that I’m glad you told me and I’ll work to fix it At the end of the day you’re my bsf n I consider you a sister to me n you have every right to be mad I’ll give you space n shit to js think n be alone “
Lana - “okay well that’s still fucking weird”
Now here’s we’re I’m upset about, Lana is BEST FRIENDS WITH MY FUCKING EX.
My ex cheated on me, abused me, played w my feelings, barely committed to me, spread rumors about me etc. but Everytime he tries talking to her or play fighting her she play fights back or gets all giggly and laughs.
You’re mad at me for saying happy birthday but you wanna be friendly to someone who genuinely hurt me, I’m not saying he didn’t hurt her but I know everything that happened and I’m not finna put my homegirls business out there cause she still my day 1 idgaf but the beef was miscommunication over him play fighting girls.
I get you could be going through it but you not finna sit in my face and say I’m fucked up when you over here having Kumbaya moments.
Anyways sorry this js long but I genuinely love this girl I’ll take any advice or opinions you guys can give me I don’t wanna loose this girl I just can’t loose her she was with me when a loved one committed suicide she was with me when my dog died she’s been through it all with me
AITAH?
Edit 1 - I took someone’s advice and I told her she can’t control who I’m talking to but I understand why she wouldn’t like it I told her I’m uncomfortable with her being friends with my ex she proceeded to say im flipping the situation to make me look like the victim and lately she thinks I’m acting shady, weird and stuff I do is starting tk annoy her
For example she told me that when they broke up she thought I would have taken her side and completely cut him off she said she felt betrayed and that I was flirting with him because he doesn’t bring lunches to school (we’re juniors in high school) so I always offer some of my food (I always bring an extra yogurt or sandwhich or whatever I made that day because I know he’s gonna be hungry) and when I gave him my food she thought it was my “excuse to talk to him” I told her that’s ridiculous and I’d never let someone to hungry especially if I have extra food
I’ve been looking at her reposts on TikTok (yes I’m a stalker I js missssss my girlllll ) and she’s been reposting a bunch of stuff saying “these females doing me wrong” or js shit that says she got betrayed, when I made this post I was angry and needed to vent I worked out took my dog for a walk and now that I’m calm I’m not angry with her I’m just anxious she’s gonna end our friendship and I still don’t see the issue with me wishing someone a happy birthday I told her I was truly just trying to be cordial with him and that if nothing was going on between me and him before they dated nothings going to happen now ESPECIALLY if that’s her ex.
Plus Me and “Alex’s” friend (we’ll call him Leo) have been going on dates lately (dinners, picnics, watching movies at the others house, our families throwing like pool backyard stuff and inviting the other, etc ) so there’s quite literally nothing there between me and “Alex” “Leo”is a sweetheart and exactly my type “Alex” is the bipolar opposite of Leo but the two are best friends I told lana this and she said she wanted time and she didn’t know if she wanted to end the friendship with me because she quote on quote “Doesn’t know if she can trust me” and “doesn’t wanna interact with a potential snake”
She called me a potential snake..
I have no hard feelings towards Lana I’ve never been one to get hurt by words I just wanna let her get all her anger out she started getting disrespectful and I put my foot down and told her
“I know you’re angry but you have no fucking right to disrespect me when I’ve been nothing but logical and understanding with you I’ve tried getting your point and I’m sorry I caused you to hurt I really am but you can’t seem to calm down and be reasonable so please stop blowing my phone up and please only talk to me when you’re open to a logical unbiased conversation”
And I left it with that (I’ll fs give more updates)

Hey all, just kinda looking for some advice on how to navigate the upcoming months in regards to my narc dad.
He's always been horribly emotionally abusive and as of 2020 he was physically abusive to my mother which resulted in their divorce and a restraining order filed against him by my mom. Im across the country from all of my family (mainly to get away from him initially but I've built a nice life for myself out here now and don't plan on moving back) but that distance created enough separation for me that I have remained in contact with my dad since the incident (my sister is no contact with my dad and tbh I really only kept our line of communication because I was afraid if he lost contact with all of us then he'd do something crazy or mentally snap). Since the event, I've been working with a therapist to create and enforce boundaries to help navigate conversations with him when they start going into territories I'm not comfortable talking about (ie- my mom, my sister, his sex life and drug usage that I don't need to know about) and have had to draw very hard lines with him in regards to asking me for money, which he's done about 4 times now.
In December of last year, my dad and I were on a call and he said these two sentences sequentially "your mom's restraining order against me ends in May." And "I know where your mom lives ". He did the exact same two sentences sequence in January of this year and after that, I decided to relay this information to my mom because it was concerning to me. Since the call in January he has sent me one text exchange, and it was asking me if I knew any witchcraft magic to put a hex on people that have been mean to him. That was early February and it's been over three months without a call or a text from him. What I have received since then was texts for him asking him to return a car rental and a call from a debt collection agency trying to get ahold of him, so he is using my number in some way for things I would like him to leave me out of.
So thats the basic backstory, here's the current development. My mom decided to use the information I disclosed to her as a reason to not only renew her restraining order, but to make it permanent. I fully support her decision and think it's a good idea, even if his side of the family might not agree with it and think it's "excessive" (so if punching my mom in the face and biting her but whatever), but now I'm starting to feel anxious about the impending eventual communication I will get from my dad soon. Im on edge wondering if he's going to reach out to me about the restraining order because I will be tied to the reason it's being filed (our convos as the reason) and if he doesn't reach out to me, then I'll have to decide if I want to be the one that does.. fathers day is coming up and so is his 60th birthday and I know if he doesn't reach out to me by then, he's going to assume I will be reaching out to him....and idk if I want to at this point...I'm just really conflicted and confused and don't know what to do. It would be easier for me to just fully lock the currently closed door on our relationship but there's still a part of me holding back a full no contact with him.
So here I am, checking my texts and messages every day scared I'm going to see one from him and what the contents will be. If he's going to grovel or if he's going to cut me with his words and why I'm even giving him an opening to do so.

Hi Everyone,
At the start of this year I wrote a book titled The Filthy Easy Guide to Vocab: Second Batch. Basically, it's a dictionary but all the example sentences are funny/NSFW. I find that this helps me learn the word more efficiently (and to have more fun when doing so!).
It is available for purchase now on amazon: Buy the Book
Here is an example:
Urbane- courteous; suave; debonair (usually describing a man)
Ex: The urbane James Bond impersonator hopped from crumbling rooftop to crumbling rooftop in the Sojourner Truth housing projects in Detroit. He had been hired as the entertainment for a birthday party for a child obsessed with action movies. If it was up to the boy, he would have picked the Rock, or Jason Statham, or even Tom Cruise, but instead he was stuck with this ragged, gangly version of Daniel Craig. The only similarity this guy bore to 007 were his piercing blue eyes and his fancy for a martini shaken, not stirred. Well it was good news for him, because the adult beverage cart was stocked with gin and vermouth, and he had filled up his cocktail glass, downed it, filled it up again, downed it (and repeated the cycle a few more times--he lost count). As the children were lining up to get a slice of the Hobbs & Shaw cake, the fake Bond called everyone to attention. The crowd turned to the rooftop where he stumbled and almost lost his footing near the gutter, waving his arms in a windmill fashion to keep himself upright and still on the roof. “Hey, ki…kidsss” He slurred. “Wa, wash dis. I gotta outrun the bad guy. This bill *burp* building could explode at any second”. The parents rushed toward the roof and demanded him to come down. “Fuck off! I’m 007. License to kill baby!” He screamed as he sped towards the gap between the two roofs and planted his feet, springing himself up and out over the two floor drop off. It really looked for a second like he was going to make it. But no, his feet hit the kitchen window of the next-door house, and he crashed through the glass, his lower limbs in the sink while his torso drooped backwards out the window and towards the partygoers. “AHHHH!!!” The children screeched as they ran around the yard manically. “HELP ME!” The Bond impersonator cried out, the adults now realizing the double compound fracture in both of his Tibias. “Q! Is that you? Bring me my high tech super healer device! Call up M, tell her…*projectile vomits backwards, some of it ends up on his nose, forehead, and hair* tell her I’ve failed the mission”

Ok firstly, my name is not a reference to necrophilia. It’s a band from the 70s.
What can anyone say when attempting to describe themselves in a way which attracts the right person? I have no clue. So I tend to just be rather honest in my self description. I’m not trying to attract the masses. I’m trying to attract the people who are kind of ok with who I am.
I’m an odd guy. Comfortable with who I am and confident. But odd. I don’t have the fortune of having a ton of common interests with most people. That’s become more pronounced with age. I don’t golf. I don’t watch American sports. Mainly because it’s alien to me to take something so seriously. I don’t have or want kids. Not into cars.
I’m an introvert (exacerbated by the wonderful lock down in which I was free to be as big a homebody as I wanted ). There’s a weird situational duality with my introversion. I’m in sales, so I have to be “on” at work. If you asked me to speak to a room full of people about a subject I have knowledge about, I’m fine with it. However a social Setting with many people I don’t know? I get quiet and uncomfortable. Mainly because I don’t assume people necessarily want to be bothered (because it’s in my nature to not necessarily want to be bothered). And also because I know the same old ice breakers are coming. To which I have no good answers (about the local sports team or cars or babies or investments etc). I wish I were interested in these things.
I have solid friends whom I love. But most of them have moved away or started families. I get invited to kids birthday parties, but gone are the days of just hanging out. And as you get older, you start taking care of more things so it’s hard to squeeze in social time when you know you have to get that load of laundry done because you’re not off again for a week etc etc etc.
Maybe my introversion in the last few years is driven by how divisive most subjects are nowadays. Everything is “us against THEM” or “if you’re not with me you’re against me”. I feel like that’s exactly what we’re driven towards and it’s sad to see how easily those strings are pulled by various sources. I believe there’s always a common ground and you should learn to play nice with your neighbors.
Also, I came to realize (at some point) that I was raised with insufferably arrogant male role models in my life. I acted similarly to them when I was younger (out of insecurity, just as they did) and upon having this realization, it makes it harder to be loud or outspoken. I no longer think my opinions are any more valid than anyone else’s. The world is absolutely chocked full of interesting and beautiful people and you hardly notice them because there are so many loud people.
Ok so you got through all of the above rambling. Maybe I should say who I am.
I’m 42. Average height (5’10.5”). A little above average weight. Latino (not raised speaking Spanish or being very in touch with my roots). Child free (doesn’t want kids but doesn’t hate children). I’m liberal and non religious.
I get excited over random things. New cooking utensils (I just got a carbon steel pan not long ago and love it). I bought a chefs press. Must brown all the things!
I’m a pretty decent cook. If I’m trying something new I’ll probably make it for a week straight just to “get it right”. Or at least until I’m happy with it.
I love salads. There’s literally always room for salad. The way most people feel about desert is how I feel about salads. All kinds of salads.
I think iceberg lettuce is highly underrated.
I probably make more Asian dishes than anything else since Asian food is my great love.
I’m allergic to peanuts and shellfish (and cats) so my great loves are also forbidden loves.
I feel that sharing food is a magical way to connect to people.
I have owned more guitars than I can remember. A wise man once told me “you can’t take them with you” and I listened. My collection is much smaller now.
Music is the one constant thing in my life day to day. I would say it’s my life but I’ve known people who actually made it their life. Modern music is not quite as appealing to me. It seems “vibey” and doesn’t really have a hook or dynamism. I love James brown, Jimi Hendrix, old blues. 60s funk and soul. Otis Redding. Boom bappy hip hop. Wu tang. Portishead. Anything with oomph. 70s punk. 80s new wave and synth. The list goes on. Sometimes I realize I only get to listen to music in my car and spend my time listening to the same playlists because otherwise I’d be in my car for 40 minutes before going anywhere.
I’m not great at photography but like taking photo walks in random places. Gives me something to focus on rather than just walking. I’m slowly learning what light looks good when translated to a still photo.
I don’t have any prerequisites for the race or ethnicity of the people I date. I believe there are beautiful people everywhere. I don’t have much of a racial or ethnic identity.
I am a rather secure and confident person. And I am seeking the same thing from another person. I don’t want to be taken care of or doted on. I want a partner. Someone who will laugh at the inappropriate, fucked up and vulgar jokes I whisper to them in public. I don’t want to be with just anyone. I want to meet the right person.
If you’re reading this and think it vaguely sounds like a person you might want to talk to, send a chat or message.
I do have to say, I am only looking for eople that live in San Diego, are close (2hr drive max) to san Diego or frequently visit san Diego. Yes, it’s a hard rule. Sorry.
My preferred Age range is roughly 32-45.
Lastly, after having gotten so many responses, here’s a list of things that are hard requirements in what I’m looking for:
Not religious and Doesn’t believe in psychics Or astrology.
Doesn’t want children (or at least doesn’t want more). I don’t hate kids. I just don’t want them. Your kids are your responsibility. But I am definitely not having them at my age.
Doesn’t have an std. it’s actually WILD to me that I have to say this. The amount of people that message and don’t lead with it… is shocking.
Doesn’t do hard drugs (weed is fine).
Admits they fart. Yes, I said it. If the subject of flatulence makes you uncomfortable, you’re far too uptight for me. I think it’s a great indicator of humor compatibility.
Isn’t a love bomber. If you don’t know what that means, it’s a person who tends to jump quickly into infatuation with a person without knowing much about them. They bomb you with affection. Unsustainable and inexplicable amounts of affection. If you read that description and thought “ugh . No “ then we’re probably like minded. If you read it and thought “but that sounds so nice” we’re definitely not compatible.
The only physical requirement I have is that you’re not obese.
I am physically most attracted to medium to dark skin with dark hair with almond shaped eyes, but honestly I am open to literally everyone.
As you can see above I’ve written quite a bit. I expect that if you reply, you’ll write quite a bit too. If you respond with less than a paragraph I’m going to ignore it. I have yet to come across a fake account that writes more than one sentence. So that’ll be my filter.

Ok firstly, my name is not a reference to necrophilia. It’s a band from the 70s.
What can anyone say when attempting to describe themselves in a way which attracts the right person? I have no clue. So I tend to just be rather honest in my self description. I’m not trying to attract the masses. I’m trying to attract the people who are kind of ok with who I am.
I’m an odd guy. Comfortable with who I am and confident. But odd. I don’t have the fortune of having a ton of common interests with most people. That’s become more pronounced with age. I don’t golf. I don’t watch American sports. Mainly because it’s alien to me to take something so seriously. I don’t have or want kids. Not into cars.
I’m an introvert (exacerbated by the wonderful lock down in which I was free to be as big a homebody as I wanted ). There’s a weird situational duality with my introversion. I’m in sales, so I have to be “on” at work. If you asked me to speak to a room full of people about a subject I have knowledge about, I’m fine with it. However a social Setting with many people I don’t know? I get quiet and uncomfortable. Mainly because I don’t assume people necessarily want to be bothered (because it’s in my nature to not necessarily want to be bothered). And also because I know the same old ice breakers are coming. To which I have no good answers (about the local sports team or cars or babies or investments etc). I wish I were interested in these things.
I have solid friends whom I love. But most of them have moved away or started families. I get invited to kids birthday parties, but gone are the days of just hanging out. And as you get older, you start taking care of more things so it’s hard to squeeze in social time when you know you have to get that load of laundry done because you’re not off again for a week etc etc etc.
Maybe my introversion in the last few years is driven by how divisive most subjects are nowadays. Everything is “us against THEM” or “if you’re not with me you’re against me”. I feel like that’s exactly what we’re driven towards and it’s sad to see how easily those strings are pulled by various sources. I believe there’s always a common ground and you should learn to play nice with your neighbors.
Also, I came to realize (at some point) that I was raised with insufferably arrogant male role models in my life. I acted similarly to them when I was younger (out of insecurity, just as they did) and upon having this realization, it makes it harder to be loud or outspoken. I no longer think my opinions are any more valid than anyone else’s. The world is absolutely chocked full of interesting and beautiful people and you hardly notice them because there are so many loud people.
Ok so you got through all of the above rambling. Maybe I should say who I am.
I’m 42. Average height (5’10.5”). A little above average weight. Latino (not raised speaking Spanish or being very in touch with my roots). Child free (doesn’t want kids but doesn’t hate children). I’m liberal and non religious.
I get excited over random things. New cooking utensils (I just got a carbon steel pan not long ago and love it). I bought a chefs press. Must brown all the things!
I’m a pretty decent cook. If I’m trying something new I’ll probably make it for a week straight just to “get it right”. Or at least until I’m happy with it.
I love salads. There’s literally always room for salad. The way most people feel about desert is how I feel about salads. All kinds of salads.
I think iceberg lettuce is highly underrated.
I probably make more Asian dishes than anything else since Asian food is my great love.
I’m allergic to peanuts and shellfish (and cats) so my great loves are also forbidden loves.
I feel that sharing food is a magical way to connect to people.
I have owned more guitars than I can remember. A wise man once told me “you can’t take them with you” and I listened. My collection is much smaller now.
Music is the one constant thing in my life day to day. I would say it’s my life but I’ve known people who actually made it their life. Modern music is not quite as appealing to me. It seems “vibey” and doesn’t really have a hook or dynamism. I love James brown, Jimi Hendrix, old blues. 60s funk and soul. Otis Redding. Boom bappy hip hop. Wu tang. Portishead. Anything with oomph. 70s punk. 80s new wave and synth. The list goes on. Sometimes I realize I only get to listen to music in my car and spend my time listening to the same playlists because otherwise I’d be in my car for 40 minutes before going anywhere.
I’m not great at photography but like taking photo walks in random places. Gives me something to focus on rather than just walking. I’m slowly learning what light looks good when translated to a still photo.
I don’t have any prerequisites for the race or ethnicity of the people I date. I believe there are beautiful people everywhere. I don’t have much of a racial or ethnic identity.
I am a rather secure and confident person. And I am seeking the same thing from another person. I don’t want to be taken care of or doted on. I want a partner. Someone who will laugh at the inappropriate, fucked up and vulgar jokes I whisper to them in public. I don’t want to be with just anyone. I want to meet the right person.
If you’re reading this and think it vaguely sounds like a person you might want to talk to, send a chat or message.
I do have to say, I am only looking for eople that live in San Diego, are close (2hr drive max) to san Diego or frequently visit san Diego. Yes, it’s a hard rule. Sorry.
My preferred Age range is roughly 32-45.
Lastly, after having gotten so many responses, here’s a list of things that are hard requirements in what I’m looking for:
Not religious and Doesn’t believe in psychics Or astrology.
Doesn’t want children (or at least doesn’t want more). I don’t hate kids. I just don’t want them. Your kids are your responsibility. But I am definitely not having them at my age.
Doesn’t have an std. it’s actually WILD to me that I have to say this. The amount of people that message and don’t lead with it… is shocking.
Doesn’t do hard drugs (weed is fine).
Admits they fart. Yes, I said it. If the subject of flatulence makes you uncomfortable, you’re far too uptight for me. I think it’s a great indicator of humor compatibility.
Isn’t a love bomber. If you don’t know what that means, it’s a person who tends to jump quickly into infatuation with a person without knowing much about them. They bomb you with affection. Unsustainable and inexplicable amounts of affection. If you read that description and thought “ugh . No “ then we’re probably like minded. If you read it and thought “but that sounds so nice” we’re definitely not compatible.
The only physical requirement I have is that you’re not obese.
I am physically most attracted to medium to dark skin with dark hair with almond shaped eyes, but honestly I am open to literally everyone.
As you can see above I’ve written quite a bit. I expect that if you reply, you’ll write quite a bit too. If you respond with less than a paragraph I’m going to ignore it. I have yet to come across a fake account that writes more than one sentence. So that’ll be my filter.

Ok firstly, my name is not a reference to necrophilia. It’s a band from the 70s.
What can anyone say when attempting to describe themselves in a way which attracts the right person? I have no clue. So I tend to just be rather honest in my self description. I’m not trying to attract the masses. I’m trying to attract the people who are kind of ok with who I am.
I’m an odd guy. Comfortable with who I am and confident. But odd. I don’t have the fortune of having a ton of common interests with most people. That’s become more pronounced with age. I don’t golf. I don’t watch American sports. Mainly because it’s alien to me to take something so seriously. I don’t have or want kids. Not into cars.
I’m an introvert (exacerbated by the wonderful lock down in which I was free to be as big a homebody as I wanted ). There’s a weird situational duality with my introversion. I’m in sales, so I have to be “on” at work. If you asked me to speak to a room full of people about a subject I have knowledge about, I’m fine with it. However a social Setting with many people I don’t know? I get quiet and uncomfortable. Mainly because I don’t assume people necessarily want to be bothered (because it’s in my nature to not necessarily want to be bothered). And also because I know the same old ice breakers are coming. To which I have no good answers (about the local sports team or cars or babies or investments etc). I wish I were interested in these things.
I have solid friends whom I love. But most of them have moved away or started families. I get invited to kids birthday parties, but gone are the days of just hanging out. And as you get older, you start taking care of more things so it’s hard to squeeze in social time when you know you have to get that load of laundry done because you’re not off again for a week etc etc etc.
Maybe my introversion in the last few years is driven by how divisive most subjects are nowadays. Everything is “us against THEM” or “if you’re not with me you’re against me”. I feel like that’s exactly what we’re driven towards and it’s sad to see how easily those strings are pulled by various sources. I believe there’s always a common ground and you should learn to play nice with your neighbors.
Also, I came to realize (at some point) that I was raised with insufferably arrogant male role models in my life. I acted similarly to them when I was younger (out of insecurity, just as they did) and upon having this realization, it makes it harder to be loud or outspoken. I no longer think my opinions are any more valid than anyone else’s. The world is absolutely chocked full of interesting and beautiful people and you hardly notice them because there are so many loud people.
Ok so you got through all of the above rambling. Maybe I should say who I am.
I’m 42. Average height (5’10.5”). A little above average weight. Latino (not raised speaking Spanish or being very in touch with my roots). Child free (doesn’t want kids but doesn’t hate children). I’m liberal and non religious.
I get excited over random things. New cooking utensils (I just got a carbon steel pan not long ago and love it). I bought a chefs press. Must brown all the things!
I’m a pretty decent cook. If I’m trying something new I’ll probably make it for a week straight just to “get it right”. Or at least until I’m happy with it.
I love salads. There’s literally always room for salad. The way most people feel about desert is how I feel about salads. All kinds of salads.
I think iceberg lettuce is highly underrated.
I probably make more Asian dishes than anything else since Asian food is my great love.
I’m allergic to peanuts and shellfish (and cats) so my great loves are also forbidden loves.
I feel that sharing food is a magical way to connect to people.
I have owned more guitars than I can remember. A wise man once told me “you can’t take them with you” and I listened. My collection is much smaller now.
Music is the one constant thing in my life day to day. I would say it’s my life but I’ve known people who actually made it their life. Modern music is not quite as appealing to me. It seems “vibey” and doesn’t really have a hook or dynamism. I love James brown, Jimi Hendrix, old blues. 60s funk and soul. Otis Redding. Boom bappy hip hop. Wu tang. Portishead. Anything with oomph. 70s punk. 80s new wave and synth. The list goes on. Sometimes I realize I only get to listen to music in my car and spend my time listening to the same playlists because otherwise I’d be in my car for 40 minutes before going anywhere.
I’m not great at photography but like taking photo walks in random places. Gives me something to focus on rather than just walking. I’m slowly learning what light looks good when translated to a still photo.
I don’t have any prerequisites for the race or ethnicity of the people I date. I believe there are beautiful people everywhere. I don’t have much of a racial or ethnic identity.
I am a rather secure and confident person. And I am seeking the same thing from another person. I don’t want to be taken care of or doted on. I want a partner. Someone who will laugh at the inappropriate, fucked up and vulgar jokes I whisper to them in public. I don’t want to be with just anyone. I want to meet the right person.
If you’re reading this and think it vaguely sounds like a person you might want to talk to, send a chat or message.
I do have to say, I am only looking for eople that live in San Diego, are close (2hr drive max) to san Diego or frequently visit san Diego. Yes, it’s a hard rule. Sorry.
My preferred Age range is roughly 32-45.
Lastly, after having gotten so many responses, here’s a list of things that are hard requirements in what I’m looking for:
Not religious and Doesn’t believe in psychics Or astrology.
Doesn’t want children (or at least doesn’t want more). I don’t hate kids. I just don’t want them. Your kids are your responsibility. But I am definitely not having them at my age.
Doesn’t have an std. it’s actually WILD to me that I have to say this. The amount of people that message and don’t lead with it… is shocking.
Doesn’t do hard drugs (weed is fine).
Admits they fart. Yes, I said it. If the subject of flatulence makes you uncomfortable, you’re far too uptight for me. I think it’s a great indicator of humor compatibility.
Isn’t a love bomber. If you don’t know what that means, it’s a person who tends to jump quickly into infatuation with a person without knowing much about them. They bomb you with affection. Unsustainable and inexplicable amounts of affection. If you read that description and thought “ugh . No “ then we’re probably like minded. If you read it and thought “but that sounds so nice” we’re definitely not compatible.
The only physical requirement I have is that you’re not obese.
I am physically most attracted to medium to dark skin with dark hair with almond shaped eyes, but honestly I am open to literally everyone.
As you can see above I’ve written quite a bit. I expect that if you reply, you’ll write quite a bit too. If you respond with less than a paragraph I’m going to ignore it. I have yet to come across a bot account or scammer that writes more than one sentence. So that’ll be my filter.

First time Reddit user here🖐
I (F20) have a crush on one of my guy friends (M22)
Hindi ko alam kung pano nagstart or bakit pero nagka-crush ako sa kanya. Grade 8 kami unang nagkakilala and magkaklase kami nun. Describe ko nalang din sya since baka may hint kung bakit ako nagka-crush sa kanya at baka importante.
Matangkad sya, pogi (at least for me), mabait, tahimik, naka-salamin, gentleman (ksi lagi nya kaming pinapauna pag naglalakad), and introvert.
Nalaman ko rin na nilalaro nya rin ung game na nilalaro ko which is Monster Hunter Freedom Unite, and for me, ang rare makakita nun. Ksi nga naman, matagal na ung game na un.
Anyways, I think nagstart ako magka-crush sa kanya nung grade 9. Hindi naman agad agad pero during grade 9. And may signs narin pero I think I was in denial at that time. And some of my friends even told me na baka nga crush ko na raw/nga sya. And I always tell them na hindi or wala akong crush sa kanya.
So, the first sign is tuwing flag ceremony, lagi sya ung unang hinahanap ko sa pila. Hindi na ksi kami magkaklase kaya ayun. Then another sign is that nung one time, may bagyo nun and lahat ng mga friends ko, absent. And I was feeling down ksi nga wala ung best friend ko (which is also my classmate), then nung nakita ko sya, parang naging kumpleto ung araw ko. Ung tipong ok lang na wala ung iba kong friends as long as nandito sya, that kind of feeling.
Also, lagi kaming shiniship ng mga friends namin and we always get annoyed. One time, sabi ng ex-best friend ko sa kanya "magkacrush ka sa kanya" referring to me. And boy, was she right, except ako ata ung unang nagkacrush, LOL. I always thought na never akong magkaka-crush, since I never had one during my elem days. Maybe because I was too young to know that or it's just not my priority in life but...here we are.
So back to the story, there's also this one time na absent sya and required kami na atleast 80 books with passed quiz sa scholastic. And onti pa lang ung nagagawa nya so I willingly helped him with that. Which I've never done before and especially not to a guy, ni hindi ko nga ginawa un sa best friend ko (which to be fair, ginagawa nya naman ksi ung sa kanya and so as my other friends so...yah😅)
After kong mag-take ng quiz for him, umuwi na ko at chinat ko sya para ipaalam sa kanya. Sabi ko pa nga na kung walang tutulong sa kanya then sino? Fast forward, it was our prom (still in 9th grade) and during the prom, naglipatan ng upuan ung mga tao, including us and katabi ko sya. I was honestly expecting him to ask me to dance but he never did. Which is also another sign that I ignored. But I had fun anyways ksi may pinapakita sya dun sa phone nya sa FB na mga sentence, and sabay namin binasa. Tawa nga kami nang tawa eh, so it's not all bad. Plus nag-picture kaming dalawa at nagpicture din kami ng iba kong friends, at classmates.
Time skipped, naging school mate ko sya until 10th grade and nung last day na namin nung bandang March, un na ung huli ko syang nakita. Ksi nagka-pandemic nun. So during my senior high years, hindi ko sure kung kailan ako napaisip sa kanya pero at some point, naiisip ko na sya. We stay in contact at nakakapag-chat pa naman kami kahit onti. And whenever it's his birthday, I always greet him or whenever there's a special day like Christmas or new year. Sadly, he never greeted me on my birthday, not even once. Probably because hindi nya alam, nakalimutan, or whatever. But it wasn't a big deal since as far as I know, he's not chatty or doesn't talk much when it comes to chat. Everytime ksi na mag-chat chat kami, ang ikli lang ng reply nya while kay haba haba ng akin (yah, he's that type of person)
Which led me to today. Sabi ko sa sarili ko na baka hindi sya worth it maging crush. Ksi kung sa simpleng chat pa lang nakaka walang gana na, what more kung maging mag-jowa kami, right? I mean I get na hindi sya mahilig mag-chat or whatever, pero nakaka walang gana ksi pag ganun ung kausap mo, imagine mo nalang kung in person mo kausap tapos ganun mag-salita ung tao, diba? But anyways, sanay naman ako na ma-ignore or hindi replyan agad pero syempre nakakapagod din pag ganun. Anyways, ung crush ko sa kanya, parang hindi totoo. Ksi lagi kong iniimagine ung mga traits na gusto ko na meron sya tapos mamaya, wala pla, oh diba?
So infatuation lang tong nararamdaman ko sa kanya (or at least that's what I thought). I'm the type of person who has wild imaginations but can't illustrate them. I'm also an overthinker so when that two combines, it may become bad. Especially, if the results are negative or can result into negative things. So after a few years of thinking about it, I asked my college friends if may crush ba talaga ako sa kanya and they confirmed that I indeed have a crush on him. And dun ko lang nalaman na in denial ako all this time. Madalas ko ksi syang naiisip everytime na nakakakita ako ng black or red. And pag manonood ako ng anime, sya laging nasa isip ko.
And I also told myself na hindi ako inlove sa kanya ksi hindi ko naman sya namimiss. Or I do not crave for his presence. Tsaka isa pa, baka ung memories lang ung namimiss ko at hindi ung mismong tao. Another thing pla is may duda din ako ngayon kung crush ko ba talaga sya as a person or crush ko lang sya dahil sa mga fake scenarios na naiimbento ko sa isip ko? And yes, he does know that I have a crush on him, umamin ako sa kanya kaso through chat lang. Which sucks because he's my first ever crush and I want it to be special and memorable. Gusto ko sana na umamin in person pero since matagal na kami hindi nagkikita, I just decided to confess through chat.
I was honestly expecting to get rejected, like ready na ko na ma-reject but to my surprise, crush nya rin daw ako. Like...WTF?! Na-crushback ako, wow! But anyways, I wasn't really expecting anything since gusto ko lang umamin ksi baka pag-sisihan ko sa future pag di ko ginawa. Pero ayoko magka-jowa kaya wala akong ineexpect sa kanya. Pero at some point, parang gusto ko rin maranasan kung ano feeling ng may jowa. But because of today's generation, naging kontento nalang ako sa paggawa ng mga fake stories in order to cope up with my feelings.
Sa mga stories na un, inapply ko ung mga bagay na gusto ko sa isang relationship. Kaya I decided na maging single nalang forever and kalimutan ung crush ko sa kanya kaso, mahirap eh. Ksi pag nakikinig ako ng love songs, sya agad una kong naiisip (and ung ibang bagay na minention ko kanina na naaalala ko sa kanya). Like please, gusto ko lang naman mawala ung crush ko sa kanya. And just stay friends with him nalang.
So to my fellow single people out there na nakakaranas din ng ganito or sa mga taong naka-move on sa crush nila, please give me advice on how to forget my crush or lose this kind of interest in him.
And sorry sa sobrang haba na paragraph, I just wanted to share how I feel and I want to know na hindi ako nag-iisa. And if you need clarifications or you have questions regarding my story, just let me know. Thank you for your time💜

I met my dad for real when I was 18 (except one time at a Chili’s when I was 13 and he was between prison sentences). We hung out a few times really just smoked and talked shit and got interrupted by my now ex. When I was 21, that ex broke my nose and my dad offered me a place to live (w/ him & his 4mo’s pregnant new wife). He described the job/housing market as a “utopia” (need I say lie) and said they had a spare room for me. I lived there for a while and for a small example of the experience, I went out on a date and my dad was furious threatening to disown me because I was treating him like he’s running a whorehouse.
Once his wife hit 6mo’s pregnant they kicked me out to turn the room I was in into a diaper room. It was short notice and I spent every second of it looking for apartments. If I was on my phone, I was slacking off. If I wasn’t, I was slacking off. I barely found a place. I missed a few days of work to move and then had a few days off (total 1 week). Idk why but he called my work to ask if I was still there. They, legally not being allowed to say yes or no, said “not for a while”. He texted me disowning me for being a liar. He rescinded the disownment when my sister was born, telling me to come meet her (on my birthday). I spent all day there just to not meet her until the next day because they were too tired from other visitors. Then I became a decorative sibling - called only to come around and be a sister when a bigger family was more convenient. I still just wanted a dad so I did.
Once, I asked why he never acknowledged me on Facebook. He said it was because he’s “a very private person” but he still posts my 2yo sister every week in a public “happy __ months old, my dearest darling” Facebook post. Last year they called just to brag about taking family photos at a place they know I always wanted to go, didn’t ask how I was, didn’t invite me for family photos. They posted the pictures (sans me) on my birthday but didn’t even mention my birthday. They always tell me I don’t call them or text them or visit them enough but when I do it’s ONLY “sister sister sister” or them visibly wanting me to leave. It kills me every time.
A few months ago I was evicted. Terrible time, no helping it. I asked if I could store some furniture (2 stackable tables and a couch). They said “we’d love to help but we’d have to move some stuff around, maybe you could find a storage unit”. So I did. And finally resolved to not be their puppet anymore. They didn’t notice for 2 months until tonight; when they both messaged me accusing me of being angry at them for “not bailing me out of my eviction”.
I’m so mad but really, it makes me kind of happy. Fuck you. You were refreshingly shallow until the very end.

A few days ago, I received a file from a journalist friend who teaches at a private university in Montevideo. I known this person for years now and the exchange with her on our countless bar nights basically made me want to try to study journalism. After I started my career we became even closer and we shared concerns about the evolution of information, social media and the infamous cerebral callosity we acquired to endure the tragedy.
My friend, let's call her Valeria, was part of a public competition to accompany a minor scientific expedition to the Uruguayan Antarctic base. Her thesis was about investigating how information reception behaves in remote and isolated areas.
I barely read it , but basically tries to show that information circulates and is received in a particular way in these circumstances by a group of unfamiliar people living under extreme climatic and isolation conditions, having as an example, life in submarines and in military bases in Siberia. The Antarctic base gave her the chance to observe some of her postulates up close.
Finally, she was chosen and traveled with this scientific group in a commercial flight Montevideo - Santiago de Chile to later arrive at Punta Arenas and fly to the Antarctic base.
The last communication I had with her before she sent me the almost 90 photographic captures of the Journal, was on March 15, 2024.
We talked over the phone about how the weather was in Montevideo, that it does not stop raining and the cars are practically floating on the streets. She told me that the transport that was going to take them back was having mechanical problems and they would probably have to order spare parts for the plane from Punta Arenas. Then She told me that it is freaking cold down there and his colleagues are all very boring. Nobody has whisky for the evenings. We laughed about that part because I told her to bring at least one bottle of Grappa in her purse.
Before saying goodbye, she told me they had spotted some old metal structures south of the base. The soldiers told her that it was safe to go near that part so she was going to explore them. It wasn't there when they first arrived and that the recent and atypical heat wave probably must have exposed it. I told her to be careful and we said goodbyes.
Three days later I received an email. “Valeria shared a file with you.” As I start to see what it was about she calls me.
“Mauro? MAURO!, can you hear me?” She said in a nervous and excited voice.
“I can barely hear you, what happened?”I asked half asleep, while still lying on my bed.
“Listen to me carefully, don't talk, just listen” I could tell by her agitation that she was walking fast or maybe running. The creaking footsteps in the snow could be heard in the background. in the distance, a catastrophe-type siren was blaring.
“Are you alright? What happened? What's that noise?” I said, now sitting on the edge of my bed.
“I sent you a file. Transfer it to a flash drive, delete history and reset your cell phone, the computer and your email address. I'll explain everything later, it'll be worth it.”
“What? What are you talking about Vale?, what for? Tell me what's going on - I started to yell at her, in slide panic.
“Listen, I found something that is not supposed to exist. In the diary he explains everything. I'm going back to the base, I think someone is following me, I set off an alarm or something. Save that file for me until I get there and remember that... “
There were two loud booms and the sound of water invading the transmission. A choked bubbling and cracking sound reminded me of ice collapsing. My friend had fallen into the water, in Antarctica.
“HEY, are you OK?! What happened?!” - I kept screaming hysterically until the call was cut off.
I looked at my cell phone for a second. My hands were shaking, I tried calling several times but the phone went dead. I looked at the compressed file. I jumped up and ran to the dining room furniture, frantically looking for a white flash drive that had to be in a drawer somewhere. I couldn't find it, so I went back to my desk. I pulled the drawer so hard that it came off the rail and fell to the floor. I started to dig through my belongings on the floor, coins, papers, cards, nothing.
I thought, I struggled to remember where I had fucking put it. Finally I saw my backpack peeking out from behind the desk chair, I jumped on it and in the second small pocket from the inside, there was a cheap white 16G flash drive. I put it in the pc, downloaded the file directly there, took it out and fabric restored the entire system on the computer. I do the same with my cell phone as Valeria said.
At the time I didn't even question if those measures really prevented me from being tracked, and the idea that that was the reason made panic run through my body like lightning. Sitting on the floor of my room next to the mess, my body was numb with tension. After a few seconds, I rebooted my cell phone to try to call Lucia, her sister.
“Hello?”
“Lucia, it's that you? I think something bad happened to Vale, I hear her over the phone as if she fell into the water, and some rumbling. I don't know what I heard, I think she got into some trouble or some place she shouldn't have been - I realized that I was mumble and not saying anything clear. For some reason, I didn't mention the file.
“It can't be Mauro, I just spoke to her on the phone. She was at the airport in Santiago de Chile at the boarding lounge, we talked for about half an hour, she told me she was bringing a fancy bourbon to share and…”
I stopped listening, it didn't make sense, how could it be? what the fuck is going on!
“Mauro, are you ok? Is something wrong? it's too early, are you sure you didn't dream it?”
“Did you talk to her? half an hour ago? But...,” I exclaimed without being able to hide my confusion.
“Are you... sure it was her?”
“Yes, of course you moron, it's my sister! Did you smoke pot again on an empty stomach?”
“No, you're right, nevermind, thanks Lucia, talk to you soon.” I ended the call without letting her say goodbye.
Had I dreamt about it? I erased everything now, how will I know if I dreamt it? I hesitated absurdly.
This is surreal, I thought to myself as I looked at the flash drive in my hand. I refocused my attention and went to the attic looking for my brother's old laptop he left me before going to live in Spain. It was practically useless, but it was enough to see the file. I turned it on, waited for the decrepit Windows XP to load, and put the flashdisk in, opened the compressed folder and found two files.
“LabNotes.pdf”
“PersonalDiary.pdf”
I decided to open the journal first. From what I interpreted from the loading order of the screenshots, after reading it, I opened the image of the last page.
I transcribe as is.
Day 243 of the 2nd mission 10: 40 am. March 12, 2019.
I am the head researcher of the Psychological Area at the UN Antarctic base; I'm currently assigned to Project Sisyphus categorized as the highest classified rank.
This is going to sound crazy, but the person living with my family is my clone.
It still surprises me when I say it out loud, but after being able to replicate the brain-muscular history (a perfect copy of our memory) of any person and having mastered replicating every cell of our bodies at any age, it was only a matter of time before the development of social biotechnology would emerge. Now and by worldwide agreement, as a complete secret.
There is absolutely no shame or a shred of ethics in what we do, there is no longer any constraint on what we can do to the subjects for the sake of research. That haunts me every day.
It all went to shit so fast, I doubt anyone will come to our rescue. The protocol says so, the base in the face of an imminent security risk will erase itself. The structure was designed to collapse methodically following a protocol of incineration and sinking. The immediate perimeter has underwater mines that make the ice collapse almost imperceptibly, but deadly to anyone who tries to leave.
No one can escape from the base, neither the research staff nor the subjects. Our place in the world is already taken.
I only hope that this journal along with my lab notes will be found at some point. I managed to construct a small insulating gasket for it so I trust it will survive in case this part of the building collapses as well.
Please use this data to let the world know what happened here and don't let perversity define us once again.
To my family: I love you and miss you every minute.
B.
At the exact moment I ended the reading I received a video call that made me jump with fright, it is...
Valeria.
With my pulse shaking, I answered the call.
“Hi you! The flight was delayed, can you believe it? This one is absolutely in my top three, worst trips of my life. I'm really hungry and everything is so expensive here. What are you up to? Tell me something, please, I'm soooo bored!”
I looked at her with confusion and I couldn't manage to pronounce words. When I was about to modulate an answer she interrupted me.
“What's the matter Mauro?, are you on pause? Is the signal OK? HELLO! Can you hear me? Can you see me?” She started to walk through the boarding lounge looking for better signal
“Yes yes, Valeria I can hear you.”
She laughed and looked at me with a face between sensual and serious, and continued.
“Do you miss me?” while raising the phone jokingly as she typically does in her selfie pose.
“Valeria, don't you remember calling me earlier today?”
“I? called you? Nop. Why? Ah! By the way, did you know there are penguins in Tierra del Fuego? I would have liked to go and see them.” She continued his verbose conversation in a carefree tone, with her typical hand gestures and playing with his hair.
“Well, at last!” She interrupted herself and shouted, jumping up from her chair.
“We are being called to board, see you in a couple hours!” She said goodbye with a smiling sonority, and began to walk towards the boarding gate.
But at the last second, before ending the call, her gesture changed. She looked directly at the camera with a hardened and emotionless face and almost mechanically, she whispered.
“(I'm going to retrieve that diary).”
My stomach dropped to the floor and I could feel as if my blood was running cold with fear. I could not shake the awful and eerie feeling that this person, who was returning, whom I had never in my life called by her full name, was not my friend.
So, the next couple of hours I put everything in to transcribe the rest of important passages of the diary. Something was compelling me to do it, i can't explain it, Some mix between moral duty, and morbid curiosity. Here is my selection of it.
Lab notes. day 96 of 1st mission 08:00 am December 22, 2016.
Subject JON X012:
First physical assessments: Normal, alert and inquisitive, exhibits some alteration to screens.
We place 100 cc of sedative in room air. The subject attentively follows the narrative of scenario B5 “The last mission”.
The subject responds positively to the premises of the story, where he is asked to address an audience threatened by a natural disaster, convincing them to choose a certain path out of the city.
He offers to collaborate but fails to articulate the message with the power to overcome the simulation.
We resort to pouring 125cc of concentrated Psilocybin into the air as stipulated in the protocol sheet.
The vocal frequency and body language reading receptors in the observation room are activated. The subject manages to formulate a series of premises articulately and with discursive power, circulating around the observation room.
Successful reaction.
We move on to the next stage.
Case is filed under the label “Jobs Project.”
Diary entry: Day 96 of the 1st mission 21:30 pm. December 22, 2016.
Today they transferred subject JON X0012 for psychological evaluation, several in the lab were very anxious about this arrival. I was never the religious type, but I can understand why. Truth be told,
I always imagined Jesus would be taller.
*********
Day 106 of the 1st mission 08:00 am January 02, 2017
Today we received a new lab assistant for the night shift. Much needed as I was covering these shifts myself and am really burned out. The underground operates at full power at those hours, the hum of the machinery becomes unbearable. This must be why the rooms have an insulating structure.
********
Day 112 of the 1st mission 19:00 pm January 08, 2017.
The new integration is not very bright. He labeled the transcripts wrong again yesterday and doesn't seem to fully understand the importance of these. I'm going to have to go through the whole method with him again. I don't have much patience lately, it's not his fault, he seems like a nice guy and it's real that I need a second of confidence. Better train him from now on. Maybe start a sketch of a short explanatory document.
*******
Small introductory guide.
When the subjects conclude the incubation and breeding process (pages 19 to 52 of the manual), that is to say, that they have at least remembered speech and with it, depending on the time in which they lived, reading and writing, they generally begin to perceive themselves. Just before situational curiosity is when the psychology department comes into action. Either to run the “stand by” simulation or the main tests.
In each subject's file is the target of their cloning, the era in which they lived, and the recommended scenarios to trigger the desired response. If the file has X amount on the cover, this corresponds to the generation of the subject, whether it is the first or 10th time it is incubated.
Generally, it takes between 2 and 5 attempts to generate the correct simulation, and administer the appropriate drugs.
It took 5 attempts to come up with the correct amount of methamphetamine that subject AH X005 (Hitler) needed to function in the scenario, as the correct amount bordered on overdose.
Simulations are much easier since the implementation of multisensor AI. We managed to generate almost any scenario including temperature, smells, lights and sounds. We tried not to use familiar ones, as human smells are impossible to replicate. We found this out in a complicated way. We tried to recreate a conversation between RR subject X003 (Reagan) and his mother, but he recognized the fakery by the absence of body odor. His mind collapsed and we had to move him to the Underground. The people in Area C (Private Clients) almost lost a very large Chinese account.
After calibrating the subject, we ran both psychological and behavioral tests, scanned retinas, analyzed blood, as well as vocal and body language. But what has really yielded surprising results are the free interviews. It is amazing what some minds are capable of with the right environmental and chemical stimulation. That's why transcription is vital (!!)
Our area develops BC (Behavioral Algorithms) which are then bought by the private sector, and some government agencies.
To give you some examples: Twitter was an idea of subject JO X008 (Orwell).
Bots in social media and the use of big data was an idea of JG X002 (Goebbels) and KM X014`s worst nightmare (Marx) was bought by Amazon.
It is an arduous process and the success rate is low, but when we achieve the goal per subject, well, these results are a mein part of the latest revolutions of mankind.
So follow the lab rules, never refer to subjects by their actual historical name, and always remember, they are assets, not people.
***********
Day 117 of the 1st mission 16:30 am January 12, 2017.
Today is a rest day all over area D. I miss many things from the old world that I thought I would never miss, taking a bus, standing in line with strangers, and today I miss Sundays. We only have one on the month. So as usual we gather in the rest area to listen to a liberated jukebox that tries to lighten the mood. I know, right? Why I wrote about this “Saturday” photocopy, well besides the same nostalgic drunks, I was approached by a person I didn't recognize.
From what I understood he was a rehabilitated alcoholic, maybe that's why I didn't see him on “Saturdays”. He must be in his 50's, he was portly and wore thick black-rimmed glasses, he seemed to have a slight limp, I noticed it when he went to refill my beer.
I am a very reserved person and find it hard to talk to people. Truth be told, I've lost the desire to talk to people here. What can you actualy fucking talk about here, if it's not about the same thing. Everything revolves around work and some inter-area gossip, which never escalates much.
But yesterday was Clara's birthday and to hide the remorse and sadness of only having shared with her the first 3 years of her life, I had a few too many beers.
We chatted about banal aspects of life in isolation, and the things we miss. For him it was going to the stadium to watch soccer with his grandchildren. I think it was loneliness and nostalgia that brought us together that night.
His name was Sigfried, I don't know if I spelled it right, but it was clearly Nordic, i notice because of some of the words he mixed up with English. He works as the underground level security manager. We all know that it is one of the most restricted areas and what we have learned in these almost 10 years in the project, is that the more restricted, the less questions you should ask.
But that day, I think I felt the urge to hurt myself, to go off the rails, so I asked what we all suspected but no one knew for sure. I asked about the blenders. I wish I hadn't.
************
Day 126 of the 1st mission 08:00 am January 21, 2017.
I almost can't express how furious I am today, but I'm going to try because if I don't, I'm going to punch the new assistant in the face. He has nothing to do with this, he's just mildly irritating.
Anyway, in Genetic Mapping or area A, they approved the incubation of another Anomaly. It seems to be an express request from a major shareholder and there is not much to say. Anomalies are very risky to reproduce, nature is wise, and for some reason it placed them in history moments where they had their limitations.
It seems that after the crisis of 2010 with “The Russian Devil” it is no longer scary enough. New school morons... If they had been there they wouldn't even dare to think about it. I AM FURIOUS.
The arguments are that this case lived longer, that the clone would be in his 70s, and that he possessed noticeably more “civilized” traits. As if the court of the last Zar had not been somewhat civilized.
Personally I think this is a big mistake. Since the discovery that some people possess unknown DNA components and with the 2010 background, they should draw the line. There are certain things, still beyond our ability to understand. But it is delusional of me to think that there are limits, someday the absence of them will consume us all.
************
Lab notes day 142 of 1st mission 08:00 am February 06, 2017.
Final free interview with JON subject X012
Scenario B-24 or “The Dinner Party” Result: Normal.
Notes: Subject is grateful, positive, docile and hopeful for the future. Offers to cook next time by asking for spices and ingredients of typical Hindu dishes.
The subject is directed to the Underground area.
Attached audio for transcription.
Case is filed under the label “Jobs Project”.
**********
Day 142 of the 1st mission 21:00 pm February 06, 2017.
Today was the last session with subject JON X012, I managed to extract the last retinal and body language readings, as usual before sending them to Underground level. We ran the dinner scenario, the truth is that is one of the best simulations we have achieved. The subjects are relaxed resulting in the best free interview environment. This one was no exception, I must say I understand the charm of the “messiah” turned out to be quite an entertaining subject. I hope his next generation will be similar.
**********
Day 152 of the 1st mission 19:00 pm February 16, 2017.
I was tasked with the continuous monitoring of subject NT X004. I am not at all happy with this transfer. First of all, I know nothing about area B of engineering and technology. Secondly, I still think this is a really bad idea.
One of the laboratories has been set up with the essential simulation equipment and personnel. Tomorrow we start with the calibration.
**********
Lab notes day 153 of the 1st mission 08:00 am February 17, 2017.
First interview with subject NT X004, we run simulation scenario 54-A, “Signal from another planet.”
Subject is observed to be receptive at first but quickly changes to paranoid. We administer 300cc of MDMA via air, according to protocol.
We introduce the reconstructed figure of a colleague in a cry for help speech.
The Subject laughs and doesn't believe a word, we move to a physical approach plane,
I volunteer myself with a room operator from the engineering area, we show him unfinished plans of an experimental vacuum propulsion engine.
He laughs again and tells us that we are not who we say we are.
We administer 50cc of DMT and move on to the next scenario.
From the screen an astronaut with non-human features sends a distress signal and intergalactic coordinates.
The subject looks thoughtful, reassesses, picks up the blueprints and begins to shout out values and what appears to be mathematical and physical formulas.
Air is charged with percentages of absolute sedation.
Audio recording is attached.
It is filed under the name “Project SpaceX.”
**********
Day 153 of the 1st mission 21:00 pm February 17, 2017.
I'm not sure what happened today, this is the first time in 10 years that a subject overcame the deception of 3 simulations. We had to place absolute sedation in the air, as risky as we know it is. I recommended that we restart the process from scratch, but it was a resounding no, the client is in a hurry.
I need to get more involved in this case to recalibrate the subject. I don't know if I want to. The words before full sedation still resonate with me. “are you still using DC current? interesting...”
**********
Day 154 of the 1st mission 21:00 pm February 18, 2017.
Something happened, I don't quite know what. The rooms have an emergency lockdown active. Outside hear security personnel mobilizing. I tried the intercom but it didn't work. The insulation prevents my screams from being heard from the outside. If this goes on another day I'm going to break the lock. I'm going to set my backpack to the bare minimum.
**********
Day 157 of the 1st mission 21:00 pm February 21, 2017.
Yesterday I heard explosions in the B area. I couldn't take it anymore and broke the lock. Whatever it was I had to go out and see. The corridors were dark, and the underground buzzer went on, at least that worked.
I went right to the north staircase, down the 4 floors in near darkness, the power was failing. The entrance to the underground area was barricaded but I managed to see a figure peeking out from inside as they felt me making noises.
It was Sigfried, he pointed me in the doors direction and I entered through a heavily armored side door. I was surprised by the immensity of this section, it encompassed a large hall below almost all the sectors of the base. In front of us there were 4 large industrial pipes with switches and multiple smaller pipes coming out of their bases. These were repeated like mosaics throughout the area until they disappeared into the distance in the darkness.
Leaning against one of them were 3 officers in formerly white coats and a nearly dead guard bloodied on the floor. Poor guy, his legs were crushed with his flesh in the open. He was lying in a pool of his own blood.
He had a blank stare and was panting, it seemed from the pale of his skin, that his fate was imminent. My asthma began to pound in my chest sharply, so I reached into my bag looking for my inhaler. I told them between visible gasps of bad breath to please tell me what's happened.
One of the doctors had a badge from area B and another from area E which corresponds to bio-armamentistics. The latter burst into tears and said “We deserve it, every one of us, we deserve it”.
I knew the other guy, he is an engineer in area B. I could hear him babbling almost nonsensically about, as why they never thought about it, an issue with electrical power.
He looked at me carefully as if recognizing me and grabbed me tightly by my jacket pulling me close to his face transformed for the panic.
“He let them out, all of them!” but not only that, no no no no... he told them the truth. Nikola fucking Tesla hacked us and told them the truth.”
He began to laugh frantically with a face of absurdity until he burst into a choked cry. At that moment everything went dark. The emergency lights activated, and from far away and getting closer, along with the emergency sirens that began to sound, we heard a large mass of people screaming and running through the corridors outside.
Sigfried looked at me as they started to pound on the shielded door and said.
“We're fucked.”
**************
Day xx of the second mission, month xx of 2017
“()The industrial sounds of spinning blades, the cries for mercy followed by the thunderous, liquid crack, down that big pipe, into the green barrels, with the Monsanto logo, dripped down one side an elongated drop of pink paste ending in the letter E on the chemical label. FERTILIZER.”
**********
After finishing the transcription, my whole body began to want to flee, the walls of my house were tinged with a faint blue light as the cloudy dusk came through the window, the lights turned off by my abstraction at the computer gave way to the dark corridors that began to feel alien. As I gently closed the pc my ears began to ring as if under pressure, my breathing became more present and the vibration of my cell phone interrupted my trance.
A call from the office. It was to tell me that I had a vacation week pending, that by schedule, I had to take it starting today.
Sons of bitches, now they even choose your time off - I thought at first, but at the same time I found the voice on the phone very strange, and to tell the truth, the procedure itself.
The anger turned into confusion that only added to the paranoia. The sounds in the street began to seem erratic, a chaotic and strangely familiar feeling came over me. My senses seemed increasingly acute, and they screamed:
Go away.
I grabbed the old laptop, the flash drive and headed for the bus station. The short trip from my house seemed like a long journey. People on the street looked at me with strange faces, the cell phone kept ringing with unknown numbers on the screen and a strange idea began to formulate in my head that whispered “Them, Valeria is one of Them”.
Already on the platforms I rummaged through my backpack where I confirmed that I had the key to the family beach house in San Luis, 60 km to the east of Montevideo. I turned off my cell phone, got on a bus heading to another and much far away town called Treinta y Tres. Sat near the last seat and slipped my cell phone in my front pocket of the seat in front of me, got off and commented to the driver with a clueless face, “I got confused, I'm going to the coast”.
I almost jumped onto the steps of the correct bus to where I was heading, unable to avoid the gazes of the passengers questioning me for the last minute drop in. I sat in my numbered seat and defragmented in dissociation, trying to understand what I was doing, I was running away, but from what?
The images of the last transcriptions were engraved in my mind, the last paragraph was repeated over and over again making me shake my head from time to time trying to get them away from my thoughts. The road was dark and I lost track of time, the digital clock within sight of the passengers jingling since we left, reading 10:40.
“San Luis Station!” - I heard the guard's shout in low volume.
I staggered to my feet, hurried to get off and with the same impulse I entered the dirt roads.
I zig-zagged through the dark, cold and silent beach town. The moonless night and the smell of the sea calmed me.
When I turned the corner to the gabled beach house of my family, on the steps of the front door lit by a white light, was her. Sitting, waiting for me. I stopped dead in my tracks and a chilling vertigo ran down my torso to my throat. We looked at each other for a short two seconds, until she stopped and started walking in sliding steps towards me, smiling and playing with her hands, crossing and uncrossing her arms. The growing sound of the wind through the trees covered us.
“Darling, how are you? How nice is the summer house, I don't think we ever came here, did we? Is it the one your grandmother left you?”
I felt the adrenaline rushing through my bloodstream, how could such a familiar attitude from such a familiar person transmit such panic to me? I had to answer something.
“Yes, this is it. I came to clear my head for a while, they gave me a few days at work and I wanted to take advantage of it.” I tried to excuse myself with failed dissimulation, since I stuttered in the middle of the words.
“Yes, I know! We arranged it with them, so you can be more relaxed and as a gesture for taking care of the file. Ah! and another thing. I think someone stole your cell phone at the bus station.” She looked at me with a smart-ass smile.
“Anyway, don't worry, they already found it on a bus on the way to “Treinta y tres”. You can get it back later.”
At this point I opened my mouth to ask for explanations, but as terrified as I was I only mumbled a “thank you”.
All this dialogue let us half a body length away, Valeria looked at me now a little more serious and stood at my side. She took my arm petrified and I could feel how a strong smell of neutral soap invaded me, as if she had rubbed herself in it too much.
“Shall we go inside? it's getting cold,” She said, finishing the sentence with a sweet gesture of pleading.
“Emm, shure.” I said.
My trembling hands managed to hit the lock on the 3rd attempt, we entered, turned on the lights and from his backpack she took out a red wine. Our favorite.
“Bring me some glasses, Mauro”. - She said to me as she sat down on the armchair against the window overlooking the gentle hills outside.
She poured wine until he almost filled the ex-cottage cheese glass, looked at me and in a toast gesture said.
“To... Dr. B?”
I slid a little smile and raised my eyebrows. Then I took half a glass in one sip.
“Well!” - She exclaimed, leaning over and resting the glass on the coffee table, and continued.
"You must be very confused, I understand, I saw it many times, the mind trying to adapt to a new, unsuspected reality and in your case all at once. It is not easy. First, make sure that no one is going to hurt you or anyone you know, second, what you read in that file, as you may have noticed, is not intended for public knowledge. Also to tell you”. I couldn't take the stress anymore, I exploded.
“You're not Vale. Who are you?! You're almost identical, but....”
“Ah yes, that one it's a tricky one to explain. Let's try, let's see:
“I'm a version of Valeria that she accidentally gendered when entered the lab. In one of the incubation rooms she touched a scan button that photographs her mind for 48 hours. It contains a micro needle that took her blood and thus generated me.”
“The thing is that we were in a situation of self-destruction of the systems, and that part of the programming code of the protocol was also copied in Valeria's mind.”
“And Valeria? She 's... dead?”
“Well, yes and no. If she tried to leave the base she's probably dead. if she's still there, she's probably frozen to death or killed by the cleanup command, but basically, if I'm here, she's not anymore.”
the coldness with which she answered me made me lose the little calm I had, I got up from the armchair and started to back away with my hands on my head, I couldn't stop repeating,
“this can't be happening, this can't be happening”.
“Hey! Mauro, calm down, it's going to be alright. I'm Valeria too. In every way, I'm still your friend, I know who you are and everything we went through, really, it's me, and when I finish managing the leak, the code, it won't work anymore, it will be erased from my mind and I'll be me. So don't worry. You only have to give me the flash disc and this issue ends here. We go back to normal life and nobody will know about anything.
“I'm not going to pretend that my friend didn't die! Alone, fucking freezing to death, I'm not going to let you take her place, I'm not going to let you!” - She interrupted me.
“Mauro, listen to me” - She came closer to me and grabbed my hands, her big, lined eyes looking at me with sweetness, like so many times before.
“I AM Valeria, I have the same fingerprints, the same blood, the same DNA, the same memories, the same scars, absolutely everything. Are you going to tell my mother that I died? to my sister? Are you going to report me? Nobody is going to believe you at all. If anyone even wants to believe you, how would you prove it? I am an exact copy”. - she told me, smiling with real sweetness and empathy.
I could only cry, for my friend, for the helplessness of the conclusion that she was right. I collapsed on the couch, and watched as the hills swayed in the night.
“Let's have the last glass and I'm leaving.”- she said to me.
“After I give you this, and that part of you disappears, will you remember that you are not... really Valeria?
“No, there is already a simulation on pause about Valeria's last week, she won't remember anything about this situation when she wakes up, because the memory is simply overwritten.”
“So I'm going to be the only one to know about this?”
“Take it as a gift Mauro, a glimpse behind the veil. And if you keep it that way, everything will be fine” - The threatening tone was soft but evident.
“Okay, hand me your PC and the flash drive.”
I looked at her evaluating all possible actions and if this decision was the right one, she stretched out her hand and smiled sympathetically. I gave her the old computer and the black 16G flash drive with the file. She inserted it, typed mechanically fast until the screen went black.
“Perfect, That would be all - She took out the flash drive, threw it on the floor and stepped on it violently with the heel of her shoe, put on his backpack and headed for the door.
“Stop,” I said.
“The things that Dr. B wrote... about the underground…
“Yes, they are true, it was the only way to be self-sustainable and to be able to isolate the complex from the rest of the world. Even the most morally flexible scientists would question the work if they knew where the subjects ended up, and what we were doing with their bodies... Anyway, I'm going home, Lucia called me 5 times already. Talk to you tomorrow.
“Love you,.” - She smiled at me and closed the door behind her. I felt a car slowly drive away from the house.
From my pocket I took out the white flash drive and looked at it. Now I had a decision to make.

So the past few weeks I was gaslighting myself into thinking that things had never been that bad and that my parents have been retired for a few years now and who knows how much time they have left. I thought I should leave it just behind and develop a normal relationship with them. (Don’t ask me what I was thinking.)
So I called them on Mother’s Day. My mother picked up and I said Happy Mother’s Day and we could only exchange 2 sentences till my father interrupted us and demanded she give him the phone. He straight out asked me if I could lend them 200$. They are retired but still have to work because their pensions are very low. I don’t struggle financially.
I agreed although it’s obviously a bit touchy given our past. (Mostly emotional neglect and my father is very difficult to deal with. When I was a teenager I often had to help them out with my savings - they always paid me back. But I’m still torn and conflicted if I should give them money etc. It pains me to think about all of this.)
Once I had the bank account information, the conversation turned to my mother‘s birthday next week and the shit show continued.
He basically asked me if my significant other would accompany me to the birthday party.
My SO has a traumatic past as well and they find my parents triggering. Which I completely get and I am (mostly) okay with them not joining me. I do feel the pressure (internally) that if they don’t join me my father will be angry and that’s causing turmoil for me because I don’t want to expose myself to the aggression. But my SO‘s health and well-being is more important than that and I’m not even sure why I’m not no contact with my parents… and this situation is confronting me with this question again because what about my well-being. Is it justified to go no contact. Is it ever…? I feel so guilty all the time and like I’m the worst person because I made mistakes too in the past and surely I am to blame because I could never fulfill their expectations and I could never feel that I matter as a human being to them…?
I said that my SO would not come and that I would come on my own. The response was basically him screaming BUT WHY NOT WHAT IS THIS ABOUT AGAIN.
I flat out said - and I was surprised by my coldness: I don’t have to justify myself for you. He stopped screaming around and the call ended with Bye within 10 seconds and he did not even ask if I wanted to speak to my mother again. lol
The nerve of this guy. Asks me to finance this month and the party and then loses his shit because we are not keeping up appearances if my SO does not show up and feels insulted because my SO does not visit. It’s like he has never been able to reflect upon himself, his words, and actions. Isn’t it quite in your face that you lose your shit about someone not visiting and then wonder why they are not visiting.
I’m really down and triggered. This situation has a lot of stuff stirred up again. I’m probably still going to visit though. I don’t have the strength for confrontation. We have never had a conversation about all of this, my childhood, his horrible person etc. If I broke off contact, they would never understand. I am the problem, always have been. In their eyes. This whole family and this dynamic is sick and I wish I would have had the strength to yell at him back about all of what happened and I wish I would not have wired that money.
How do you ever get out of this dynamic or rather in other words how will I ever find the strength to stand up for myself and give them my side of the story. This just sucks. I am allowing this man to continue to control my emotions.

Hello World - So I wrote a letter to the person that led me into SCJ. Totally forgot the word they used for this and that is so exciting!!! I love forgetting them! Please don't tell me. Anyways, I had known her my whole life and a lot of shitty things went down when I left and lately I had just been getting a haunting sense of injustice towards the whole story and I needed to write out how I was feeling. Turns out, it was really cathartic. It helped me immensely. I know that there must be so many people out there who have been wronged by SCJ and have left the cult with their lives in tatters and so I wrote this for you too. You are treasure! You're worthy of new love and friendship. You’re a shining star too, damn it! Just thought someone should remind you.
Love,
Steorra
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
To Whom It May Concern,
For three years now, I’ve never felt the need to remember anything from the era of you. It surely wasn’t easy to move on from you, but I did it. You hadn’t crossed my mind in so long. Then recently, I’ve had these annoying splashes of bitter memories that turn up in my life after all this time. Stirring up, once again the desire for justice that I had to lay down a long time ago. I mean if we could put every moron who wasted our time in prison, mediocrity would cease to be, but ALAS (you always hated that word) you’re still out there. So, I moved on. I had to. That was winning in a way I never knew I needed to learn. Yet, this feeling scratches at the door anew in traumatic mystery. The only thing that’s really changed since rebuilding after you is that I started writing. However, I’ve never written about you.
At the beginning of this story, your words of eloquence secretly dripping with malice and ill-intent, entrapped me into a multi-year mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional jail sentence. Truly, if there was a tangible definition of “love-bombing” it wouldn’ be some romantic affair. It would be you. You preyed upon my fragile heart that was experiencing burn-out after years in ministry. You took that as the perfect opportunity to build up your empire from my ashes. Blaming the church for every hard thing I experienced along the way and providing the comfort and shoulder to cry on that I needed. You manipulated me into doubting my faith, my community, my family and you did it all with your fancy parable studies and promises of a heavenly future.
Well. Maybe if your words got me into this whole mess, maybe words can help me hammer the final nail into this coffin-like story once and for all. In all honesty, my words have been timid, scared, and shaken since you shattered me and left me to pick up the pieces all by myself. But I did it. I picked up every piece and rebuilt it. I rebuilt a life I can be proud of. I don’t have a life of luxury by any means, but I have a new sense of dignity and fight I never knew I could have. Dignity. Now there’s something you’ll never understand, so I’ll just move on.
Since you, everyone on the outside thinks I’m delayed in livelihood. They don’t always say it out loud, but it’s written all over their faces. Even someone like you could see it. They think I’m behind in life because I don’t have a list of things I can post on my facebook marking the monuments of a thriving christian life. But it’s because they don’t know. They are completely unaware that while they were living their lives with minor obstacles, my twenties were a full blown quiet war in constant brainwashing combat. A silent war; still bloody, deadly, filled with casualties and loss that even the strongest of men couldn’t withstand. It shattered the best of fiery faith and struck with deceptions full of the strongest poison earth could offer. And I fought like hell to thrive, then to survive, and then to flee when the walls of my life were burning down all around me. I dragged myself from their smoke, fire, and deception to the edge of the battlefield and overcame it. My flag was left standing, but none of my “friends” were left standing beside me. Not even my “best friend.”
But no war is really over when it’s over. Soldiers who return from combat deal with wounds, scars seen and unseen, trauma, fear, invisible enemies all around them and inside them triggered by the smallest of things in everyday life. If figuratively that was the war and I was the last soldier standing, I returned home to a world that was completely contaminated by your warfare. I can’t listen to my favorite song anymore, because it makes me think of you and the nights sitting on the floor of my kitchen bruising my arms and soaking the night with sorrow I didn’t know my body could hold. Wondering where my friend had gone.
Since you, victory wasn’t immediate. I lost everything in the war. Just as you intended. Family, community, romance, purpose, and childhood. I bet that doesn't even keep you up at night. You would need a conscience for that. You have known me since I was three. You had the trust that only a lifetime could grow. Looking back now, that was really the only way I was ever going to join your backyard cult. Following someone I loved. I’ve come to believe from this experience that childhood betrayal is the worst kind of betrayal. You see, you took all of my youth and you don’t even care. The thought that I could have had an upbringing without you and all the heartbreak you caused makes me so angry because I want that SO BADLY. Instead I live in the aftermath of the nightmare that was you. Haunting the nostalgia of my life with every detail that led up to being sacrificed on the altar you helped them construct. They turned me into a warning and a lesson against “rebellion.” But you basically authored the whole story until I was a lifetime of being the victim in a tragic tale I can’t rewind. You are my wild regret in life.
So that was a little taste, but here’s what I truly think of you after hurting me for all those years. I hope you make it to the top of this ladder you’re climbing. I hope you reach all the glory you wanted. You left every dream you had and everyone in your life behind to do it, so I hope you get it. I hope they praise your name, give you an office, a title, a class, a spouse, a child, all the fruit your heart could desire. At the top of your dream when you least expect it, I hope someone kicks that ladder out from underneath you and lets you dangle in an endless uncertainty until you finally plummet into the deepest darkest loss you’ve ever known. Just like you did to me.
I hope you get 10x as far as I did…. before they betray you and leave you out in the cold without an apology or a bit of credit in your direction. I hope no one helps you heal and you have to do it all alone. I hope you start hurting yourself because you have no where to place the blame but on your own head. I hope you question your own intelligence and wonder where it all went wrong. I hope you sob on your kitchen floor. I hope they come to your door and ask you “what’s wrong?” like they have no idea why you could have slipped into these wildly uncalled for emotions. I hope they blame it on your humanity and gas light every desire you have to be seen and heard. Just like you did to me.
…and I hope everyone forgets you. Just like you did me.
Long after you’ve healed and moved on. I hope a figurative Mt. Vesuvius blankets that backyard cult you loved in an unrecognizable layer of ash and poisonous gas and fades out from existence of this world. It’ll seep through bars of the earth into Hades forever condemned and forgotten. Just like you….and just like you did to me.
Anyways. *Takes deep breath.* I live by the water now. It’s really peaceful. There’s no running, no toiling, no drama, no noise. It’s the kind of quiet you said we’d never have until it all ended, but here it is. I like to write here. I have a dog. He’s a good friend. You could learn a lot from him. He’s really loyal and he never eats his own vomit.
I see God in every wave, tree, and animal here. A beautiful reminder that not everything we were reading was false. Just all the parts they made up and exploited vulnerable people with.
There is a part of me that knows there’s a truth underneath this story that I haven’t mentioned yet. A piece that would give you some credit. It’s true, I would not be as strong as I am today without you in my story. I would not be as thoughtful. Careful. Hard working. Discerning. Hell, I wouldn’t have started writing. I now write stories of hope. True friendship. Redemption. Gratefulness. Don’t worry, you’ll never be making a cameo in any of my work unless I need a back-stabbing-20-something-bitch who drives a janky Honda around the suburbs and can’t afford her $6 cup of trendy coffee. It’s funny to think you all think the great betrayer is Mr. Oh. Oh no, it’s you, you crusty bitch, and I wouldn’t be paranoid of people taking advantage of me without you. I would still be naive, innocent, childlike, and hopelessly good-hearted.
So while you were trying to tear down my life and steal my happiness, I’ve rebuilt parts of me that are now unshakable. I’ve found a purpose that brings me pure joy. I help people. I spend time with my family. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart. You gave me the fight inside of me to get here. I’m unstoppable now. I don’t laugh as much as I used to, but I’m working on that. I’ll get there. Don’t worry. You can’t have that either, sorry.
Let’s talk about your “group” for a minute. I played by their impossible rules because they promised endless paradise, but the gods of your backyard cult were so weak. They're all just narcissists that like to hear themselves talk, but the voices of basement dwellers and secret keepers aren’t noble. They’re scared of losing their precious power and they were just wrong. At the end of the day, they were just dumb kids who followed wolves into pastures to lose the uniqueness God created for them.
Foundationally, there’s no point to a heaven that isolates, shuns, and abandons. No one wants your mascot-serving gospel. The heaven they showed us was black and white. We were never supposed to be contained within perfect lines and marketed by race. We were supposed to walk with God in the Garden of Eden in the beautiful mystery of wild creation. I hope heaven is a kaleidoscope of color, people, and joy and absolutely nothing like the one you tried to film and show us all.
By the way, I only teach elementary math here, but I’m pretty sure your numbers are wrong, but hey! What do I know? I’m just a “star that fell from heaven!” Thank goodness too. After I “fell,” I learned to shine without you. I did it all by myself and I might not be in the sky anymore, but I’m pretty beautiful walking around all these earthlings if I do say so myself. A couple of scars here and there, but you don’t get any of the profits of this light, this strength, and this peace. I earned that and I protect it pretty “religiously.”
To your group, I was a lost cause to their superior cause. Too fucked in the head to be helped. My human anxiety was just too big for their god. Turns out that big anxiety saved my life. Also, it turns out their god was really small because my God met me with huge, sovereign arms and prodigal joy when I finally returned home. Truth is, Calvary says I’m not hard to love, but treasure just wasn't made for everybody.
Now, I’m about to turn 30 in a few days and I’ve been reminiscing about all the childhood memories tainted by your presence, so I decided to make new ones. I’m going to WASTE a whole day riding roller coasters for my birthday. Watch the movies and listen to the music you never approved of. Wear cheetah print converse. Get a tattoo?? Dye my hair an UNNATURAL color?? Wear earrings everywhere!! Drink my wine in public. You know. Go TOTALLY crazy. Try to be young again. For me. For kid me.
So thank you. I’m here because of you and I’m going to have so many more days and memories without you that I look forward to. I will never take that for granted. Like you did me. Cuz I'm a shining star, bitch!
Love,
Your Shining Star ✨

I, (19F) have been in a long-distance relationship for a little over 4 months now with my (20M) boyfriend. One thing my boyfriend and I always did was write letters back and forth to each other along with small gifts. Particularly in one letter he had sent for my birthday, I noticed he was using vocabulary he would never normally use and overly correct grammar. I suspected that he was using ChatGPT, but I figured every letter he had sent before seemed sincere and sounded like himself, so I didn’t say anything at first. Also, for those who don’t know, ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence chat where you can basically ask it any question and it will give you an answer or, in my now ex-boyfriend’s case, ask a specific prompt to write you something. Today, I opened my mailbox and found a letter from him with a total of five handwritten love letters inside the envelope, all signed by my boyfriend. I opened the letters and each one had the same kind of vocabulary he never used, with the same fancy punctuation. I’m not sure if he knows what it is. So, tonight, I asked him if he had ever sent me letters written from ChatGPT, and he told me yes but gave a whole speech about how he had never straight up copied the paragraphs but "took inspiration from them"… which I know is a lie because I had put in a bunch of prompts into the site until I got almost word-for-word sentences from my love letters. I should also add that when he sent me the letter on my birthday, he made it a point to tell me that he had spent so much time on my letter and how he had different drafts of the letter, almost like he was trying to make sure I knew he wrote it. I know this is a crazy thing to end a seemingly perfect relationship, but I feel as if, if he can so easily lie about something like a love letter to his girlfriend that he “loves more than life,” then what else can he lie about? Ive since ended things with him and he’s tried to explain over and over again that i’m making a mistake. I’ve talked to my parents about this and they said they don’t see an issue because most guys won’t even make an effort to even write a handwritten letter to their girlfriends. I feel like I shouldn’t accept the bare minimum in any parts of our relationship. So, am I the asshole?

So, this topic is an interesting one and isn't talked about enough for me. Your house or apartment number radiates at a number based on the number itself it is one digit or the sequence being added into one.
For example, if you live in apartment 304, then your # will be 7 because you add all numbers until you get a single digit. If you live in an apartment that equals 7, you may find yourself extra inquisitive or connected to some type of contract or relationship. Some people living in 7 homes say that it ends up being related to ghosts and others notice it can be connected to learning about something more.
If you live in an apartment with 302, then your number will be 5. This is better than living in a 104/5 apartment because 104 is 14 and 14 is a karmic number. I actually lived in a 14/5 apartment which is a karmic debt number and this was after I didn't notify my income increase. 14 is taking advantage of a comfortable situation to get your way basically or in other words "dodging responsibility". It made a lot of sense when I looked into this. I didn't stay in the 14/5 apartment long. Since 302 isn't karmic, this may be a better 5 apartment or home to live in because 3 is connected to creativity, communication, friendship, and optimism. 2 is connected to cooperation, compassion, and love. This is probably a more ideal 5 energy to live under. You may notice an increase in your social activity and the excitement in your life.
No matter what your home or apartment number is, just add up all the digits until you get 1 digit and that is the number.
This is not focusing on the full address!
It is only your apartment or door number.
numerology house
numerology house number
numerology house number 7
numerology house number 1
numerology house number 5
numerology house number 9
numerology house number 4
numerology house number 6
numerology house number 8
numerology house number 3
numerology house number 2
numerology house address
numerology house address calculator
numerology house address 4
numerology house address 6
numerology house address 1
numerology house address 7
house numerology apartment
numerology home address 2
numerology home address 9
numerology 11 house address
house address numerology
house address numerology calculator
house number as per numerology
best house no as per numerology
an 11 house numerology
living in a 9 house numerology
living in a 5 house numerology
living in a 6 house numerology
what is a number 4 house in numerology
living in a 3 house numerology
numerology best house number
numerology for buying house
house numerology felicia bender
number 4 house numerology bad
numerology house number meanings
what is house number in numerology
best numerology house number
best number house to live in numerology
numerology when buying a house
best house numerology
felicia bender house numerology
best house number according numerology
house name by numerology
no 1 house numerology
numerology house calculator
numerology house chart
numerology chart house numbers
numerology change house number
numerology house name calculator
property numerology calculator
chinese numerology house address
what does a 5 house mean in numerology
numerology house number calculator
house number numerology calculator
house name numerology calculator
how to change house number numerology
how to choose house number according to numerology
how to calculate house no in numerology
house number chinese numerology
house numerology chart
can you change the numerology of your house
numerology house definition
numerology house numbers karmic debt
is house number 32 lucky
numerology house numbers
what does house number 9 mean in numerology
what does house number 1 mean in numerology
what does house number 5 mean in numerology
what does house number 3 mean in numerology
what does house number 11 mean in numerology
what does my house number mean in numerology
what does house number 2 mean in numerology
what does house number 7 mean in numerology
what does house number 8 mean in numerology
what does house number 4 mean in numerology
numerology house number eight
numerology and house numbers
spiritual meaning of house number
is house number 6 lucky
number eight house numerology
eighth house numerology
house energy numerology
home numerology 8
home numerology 7
home numerology 1
home numerology 2
numerology for house number
numerology for house name
numerology for house number 4
numerology for house number 8
numerology for house number 3
numerology for house number 7
numerology for house number 5
numerology for house number 1
numerology for house number 6
numerology for house number 2
numerology calculator for house number
number 4 in numerology for house
number 3 in numerology for house
best number for house numerology
number 5 in numerology for house
numerology calculator for house name
number 6 in numerology for house
numerology number 7 for house
numerology good house numbers
is house number 4 lucky
is house number 3 lucky
what is a good house number in numerology
how do i get my numerology house number
is house number 33 lucky
gemini house number
good house number
how to calculate numerology house number
house no 9 numerology in hindi
how to calculate house numerology
house no 5 numerology in hindi
house no 2 numerology in hindi
house no 3 numerology in hindi
house no 6 numerology in hindi
house no 7 numerology in hindi
numerology in house numbers
4 number house numerology in hindi
which house number is lucky
how to calculate house number in numerology
house number 8 in indian numerology
house number 4 in indian numerology
house number in numerology
number 2 house in numerology
house number 1 in numerology
house number 11 in numerology
what is a 5 house in numerology
what is a 3 house in numerology
a 6 house in numerology
house numerology number 3
house numerology number 9
house numerology number 1
house numerology number 4
house numerology kari samuels
kari samuels numerology house
is house number 31 lucky
karmic house numbers
k in numerology
numerology lucky house numbers
house numerology with letters
living in a 7 house numerology
lucky house numbers in numerology
living in an 11 house numerology
living in a 1 house numerology
lucky house numbers as per numerology
house numerology meaning
numerology 4 house meaning
numerology 8 house meaning
numerology 5 house meaning
numerology 1 house meaning
numerology 6 house meaning
numerology 7 house meaning
numerology 3 house meaning
9 house numerology meaning
numerology house number 10 meaning
house number 5 numerology meaning
house number 8 numerology meaning
house number 2 numerology meaning
house number 6 numerology meaning
house number 7 meaning in numerology
house number 4 numerology meaning
house number 3 numerology meaning
numerology of house number
numerology of house number 4
numerology of house number 8
numerology of house number 6
numerology of house number 5
numerology of house number 7
numerology of house number 3
numerology of house number 2
numerology of house number 1
numerology of house number 9
house number one numerology
house price numerology
is house number 8 lucky
house name as per numerology
house number 6 as per numerology
house no 77 as per numerology
house no 167 as per numerology
house as per numerology
house no 512 as per numerology
q numerology
14 numerology house number
quantum numerology
house numerology reddit
is house number 2 lucky
is house number 30 lucky
r numerology
numerology with house numbers
numerology selling house
numerology house number six
house numerology feng shui
seven numerology house
six house numerology
number six house numerology
number seven house numerology
numerology for selling a house
house number signs numerology
sarah yip house numerology
numerology house number three
numerology house number two
numerology house numbers and their meanings
numerology of the house
3 house number in numerology
what is the best house number in numerology
how to find your house number numerology
house number according to numerology
number two house numerology
house number numerology in tamil
house numerology 1
house numerology 2
v numerology
virgo horoscope numerology
v house astrology
numerology winchester house
numerology house 10
is house number 9 lucky
x house astrology
house numerology 10
x in numerology
house numerology 9
numerology of your house number
how do you calculate your house number in numerology
numerology house 11
what your house number means in numerology
house numerology number 7
z numerology
zodiac house numbers
house numerology 0
numerology house number 0
numerology 1 house number
numerology house number 22 meaning
house number 0 numerology
what does 0 represent in numerology
house number 0
numerology house 14
numerology house 13
numerology house 12
numerology house 19
numerology house 18
numerology house 17
numerology house 113
11 numerology house
10 numerology house number
1101 numerology house number
16 numerology house number
18 numerology house number
13 numerology house number
15 numerology house
19 numerology house number
numerology house 22
numerology house 23
numerology house 29
numerology house 25
numerology house 27
numerology house 26
house numerology 21
numerology 22 house number
house numerology 28
2 numerology house number
22 numerology house number
29 numerology house number
21 numerology house number
24 numerology house number
238 numerology house number
26 numerology house number
2345 numerology house number
212 numerology house
numerology house 38
numerology house 31
numerology house 35
numerology house 34
numerology 3 house number
house numerology 33
house numerology 36
house numerology 316
house numerology 301
33 numerology house number
38 numerology house
34 numerology house number
32 numerology house number
35 numerology house
33 numerology house
301 numerology house number
39 house number numerology
house number 37 numerology
numerology house 46
house numerology 44
house numerology 45
house numerology 43
house numerology 428
house numerology 448
house numerology 484
numerology house number 44
numerology house number 46
4 numerology house number
44 numerology house
42 numerology house
41 numerology house number
43 numerology house
45 numerology house number
444 numerology house number
422 numerology house number
447 numerology house number
numerology house 59
numerology house 54
numerology house 513
house numerology 56
house numerology 51
house numerology 50
house numerology 53
house numerology 57
house numerology 52
5 numerology house number
505 numerology house
56 numerology house number
52 numerology house number
525 numerology house number
506 numerology house number
515 numerology house number
house number 55 numerology
house number 51 numerology
numerology house 69
house numerology 66
house numerology 61
house numerology 67
house numerology 62
house numerology 68
house numerology 605
house numerology 630
6 numerology house number
60 numerology house number
69 numerology house number
68 numerology house number
67 numerology house
65 numerology house number
62 numerology house number
66 numerology house number
69 numerology house
7 numerology house number
72 numerology house
77 numerology house
74 numerology house number
71 numerology house number
717 numerology house number
house number 76 numerology
house number 70 numerology
house number 77 numerology
house numerology 88
house numerology 82
house numerology 80
house numerology 87
house numerology 808
numerology house number 88
numerology house no 89
numerology house number 84 meaning
8 numerology house number
88 house number numerology
house no 88 numerology
house number 85 numerology
house no 802 in numerology
house number 81 numerology
house number 83 numerology
house number 84 numerology
house number 86 numerology
house number 82 numerology
numerology house 99
house numerology 9 meaning
numerology house number 92 meaning
numerology house no 97
numerology house number 903
numerology house number 936
numerology house number 934
902 numerology house number
91 numerology house
9 numerology house number
house number 99 numerology
house number 94 numerology
house number 97 numerology
house number 91 numerology
93 house number numerology
house number 92 numerology
numerology
numerology calculator
numerology chart
numerology life path number
name numerology calculator
what is my numerology number
numerology app
numerology astrology
numerology alphabet
numerology angel numbers
numerology address calculator
numerology animal chart
numerology alphabet numbers
numerology and the bible
numerology and christianity
about number 8 in numerology
alphabet numbers numerology
alphabet numerology chart
about number 7 in numerology
about number 9 in numerology
astrology numerology
about number 5 in numerology
about number 3 in numerology
alphabet numerology
about number 4 in numerology
numerology birth chart
numerology bible
numerology books
numerology birthday calculator
numerology birth date
numerology business name calculator
numerology basics
numerology birthday
numerology birth number
birth date numerology
best numerology calculator
birth date numerology calculator
business name numerology calculator
biblical numerology
birthday numerology calculator
birthday numerology
best numerology calculator free
baby name numerology calculator
best number in numerology
numerology compatibility
numerology chart free
numerology compatibility chart
numerology calculator name
numerology calculator by date of birth
numerology calculator life path
numerology calculator free
numerology compatibility calculator
calculate numerology number
company name numerology
creative numerology
chaldean numerology chart
chinese numerology calculator
cafe astrology numerology
cheiro numerology
chaldean numerology
chinese numerology
car number numerology
numerology definition
numerology date calculator
numerology dates
numerology death number
numerology date of birth
numerology day calculator
numerology destiny number
numerology death date meaning
numerology death date calculator
numerology def
destiny matrix numerology
daily numerology
dan millman numerology
does numerology work
date of birth numerology
date of birth numerology calculator
dates to avoid for marriage numerology
destiny number numerology
date of birth numerology with future prediction
decoz numerology
numerology expression number calculator
numerology eight
numerology explained
numerology expression number
numerology enemy year
numerology equation
numerology enemy numbers
numerology expert
numerology elements
numerology examples
enemy year numerology calculator
elon musk numerology
esoteric numerology
enemy numbers in numerology
expression number numerology
enemy year numerology
english letter numerology
egyptian numerology
egyptian numerology calculator
easy numerology
numerology for my birthday
numerology free reading
numerology for today
numerology for 2024
numerology for beginners
numerology for names
numerology for house number
numerology for money
numerology forecast
numerology free
free numerology
free numerology reading
find numerology name by date of birth
free numerology chart
free numerology chart interpretation
find your numerology number
find my numerology number
free full numerology report
free numerology calculator
free numerology report
numerology gifts
numerology gematria calculator
numerology guide
numerology gg33
numerology generator
numerology gematria
numerology guy
numerology grid
gg33 numerology calculator
gg33 numerology 9
gg33 numerology reading
greek numerology calculator
gematria numerology
greek numerology
gary numerology
gary grinberg numerology
gg33 numerology
gg33 numerology pdf
numerology house number 3
numerology house number 8
numerology house number 7
numerology house number 4
numerology house number 9
numerology house number 5
numerology house number
numerology horoscope
numerology house number 6
numerology house number 1
horoscope numerology
how to find your numerology number
how is number 3 in numerology
how is number 5 in numerology
how is number 4 in numerology
how to find numerology name from date of birth
how is number 8 in numerology
how to calculate numerology
house numerology
how is number 9 in numerology
numerology in tarot
numerology in spanish
numerology in the bible
numerology is fake
numerology in the bible kjv
numerology in a sentence
numerology important numbers
numerology in names
numerology in islam
numerology in christianity
i numerology number
in numerology what is 8
in numerology what is 7
in numerology what is 11
in numerology what is my number
is numerology biblical
is numerology astrology
in numerology
in numerology what is 9
in numerology number 4
numerology january 11
numerology jean simpson
numerology jobs
numerology jewish
numerology joanne
numerology jesus
numerology january 2024
numerology journal
numerology jewelry
josh siegel numerology
jumaani numerology calculator
jewish numerology calculator
jc chaudhry numerology
jewish numerology chart
jewish numerology
jumaani numerology
japanese numerology
jupiter numerology
jc chaudhry numerology calculator
numerology karmic debt
numerology karmic lessons
numerology kabbalah
numerology kundalini
numerology karmic debt 0
numerology key
numerology karmic debt calculator
numerology karmic lesson 7
numerology karmic lesson 8
karmic numbers in numerology
kua number in numerology
kari samuels house numerology
kiro numerology
kabbalah numerology
kabbalah numerology chart
kundalini numerology
king simon numerology
kabbalah numerology calculator
kabbalah numerology calculator free
numerology life path 5
numerology life path 9
numerology life path calculator
numerology letter chart
numerology life path 7
numerology life path 3
numerology life path 8
numerology life path 4
numerology life path 1
life path numerology calculator
luckiest number in numerology
learn numerology
letter numerology
lucky name numerology
lucky mobile number analysis numerology
lucky name numerology alphabets
life path 4 numerology
lucky name numerology calculator
life path numerology
numerology meaning of 8
numerology meaning of numbers 1 to 100
numerology master numbers
numerology meaning of 4
numerology master number 11
numerology meaning of 3
numerology meaning
numerology marriage compatibility calculator
numerology meaning of 5
numerology meaning of 6
matrix numerology
meaning of numbers in numerology
my numerology number
meaning of 3 in numerology
mobile number numerology calculator
mobile number numerology
master numbers in numerology
meaning of numerology
most powerful number in numerology
mobile numerology
numerology number 3
numerology numbers
numerology number 9
numerology number 8
numerology number 1
numerology number 4
numerology number 6
numerology number 5
numerology number 7
numerology name calculator
number 1 in numerology
number 3 in numerology
number 5 in numerology
number 2 in numerology
number 4 in numerology
number 8 numerology
number 6 in numerology
number 9 in numerology
number 7 in numerology
numerology of my name
numerology of 5
numerology of 7
numerology of 3
numerology of 1
numerology of 9
numerology of 6
numerology of 8
numerology of 4
numerology of 2
occult numerology
online numerology name correction
online numerology calculator
one in numerology
online numerology course
online free numerology
online numerology consultation
origin of numerology
online numerology
numerology personal year
numerology predictions 2024 by date of birth
numerology pythagorean
numerology personal year 7
numerology pdf
numerology path number
numerology personality number
numerology predictions by date of birth
numerology personality
numerology predictions
personality number numerology
personality 9 numerology
periyakaruppan numerology
personal year numerology
phone number numerology calculator
pythagorean numerology calculator
pythagorean numerology
phone number numerology
personality 8 numerology
pythagorean numerology chart
numerology questions
numerology quran
numerology questions and answers
numerology quora
numerology quotes about life
numerology quiz free
numerology quotes
numerology quiz
numerology quick guide
numerology quantum physics
queen of cups numerology
quick numerology calculator
quran numerology
queen of wands numerology
quantum numerology
queen of pentacles numerology
qualities of number 2 in numerology
quotes on numerology
queen of swords numerology
numerology reading
numerology report
numerology relationship compatibility
numerology reading free
numerology repeating numbers
numerology relationship number
numerology religion
numerology reddit
numerology reading near me
numerology report free online
root number in numerology
royal numerology
relationship numerology calculator
repeating numbers in numerology
reddit numerology
relationship numerology
rarest numerology number
roman numerology
raj yog in numerology
raj yog numbers in numerology
numerology study
numerology signs
numerology soul number
numerology software
numerology symbols
numerology soulmate birthday
numerology significance
numerology spiritual
numerology synonym
numerology soulmate
soul contract numerology
sanatan society name numerology
sanjay b jumaani free numerology
strongest number in numerology
seven numerology
spiritual numerology
sandeep bajaj numerology
soulmate numerology calculator
success number in numerology
shuyi numerology
numerology table
numerology today
numerology translator
numerology types
numerology triple numbers
numerology tarot
numerology test
numerology tattoos
numerology three
numerology toolbox
the number 5 in numerology
the number 8 in numerology
the number 9 in numerology
the number 2 in numerology
the number 1 in numerology
the meaning of 9 in numerology
the number 4 in numerology
the number 3 in numerology
the number 7 in numerology
the number 6 in numerology
numerology unlucky numbers
numerology udemy
numerology universal year
numerology university
numerology understanding
numerology uses
numerology using birth date
numerology urdu
numerology using your name
numerology universal year 8
urdu numerology
unlucky number for 7 in numerology
using numerology to make money
unlock numerology
urdu numerology calculator
understanding numerology
udemy numerology course
udupi numerology vastu & astrology
understanding numerology chart
unlucky numbers in numerology
numerology vedic
numerology vibration
numerology vs astrology
numerology vs angel numbers
numerology video
numerology vowels
numerology value calculator
numerology value of letters
numerology vs gematria
numerology vs astrology reddit
vehicle number numerology calculator
vedic numerology pdf
virgo numerology number
vedic numerology chart
video numerology
vedic numerology name calculator
vehicle number numerology calculator in tamil
vedic numerology
vedic numerology calculator
vehicle number numerology
numerology word calculator
numerology wealth calculator
numerology what year am i in
numerology wedding date calculator
numerology what is my number
numerology what is it
numerology wedding date
numerology with name
numerology website
numerology wiki
what is 5 in numerology
what is 7 in numerology
what is 8 in numerology
what is life path number in numerology
what is numerology number
what is 4 in numerology
what is 6 in numerology
what is 11 in numerology
what is 9 in numerology
x files numerology episode
x in numerology
xavier numerology
letter x in numerology
what does x mean in numerology
x files numerology
x meaning numerology
xrp numerology
numerology year 2024
numerology year 7
numerology year 8
numerology year 9
numerology year 3
numerology year calculator
numerology year 4
numerology year 5
numerology year 2
numerology year 6
year 8 numerology
year 9 numerology
year 2024 numerology
year 5 numerology
year 3 numerology
year 2 numerology
year 6 numerology
your numerology number
year 7 numerology
year 4 numerology
numerology zodiac signs
zodiac numerology calculator
numerology zero
numerology zodiac compatibility
numerology zen
numerology zero meaning
numerology zodiac
numerology zip code
numerology zone
zodiac numerology
z in numerology
zero in numerology
zodiac sign numerology
zodiac numerology chart
zahra name numerology
zodiac sign numerology compatibility
zip code numerology
zero in mobile number numerology
numerology 01
numerology 000
numerology 0-9
numerology 0404
numerology 000 meaning
numerology 04
numerology 0000
numerology 00
numerology 0808
0 in numerology
0303 numerology
00 numerology
0909 numerology
0606 numerology
000 numerology
0101 numerology
0000 numerology
0808 numerology
0707 numerology
numerology 12
numerology 1 meaning
numerology 10
numerology 111
numerology 13
numerology 11
numerology 11 meaning
numerology 1111
numerology 17
19 numerology
11 numerology
13 numerology
111 numerology
12 numerology
10 numerology
17 numerology
153 in hebrew numerology
11 number numerology
numerology 24
numerology 23
numerology 28
numerology 22
numerology 2 meaning
numerology 27
numerology 222
numerology 20
numerology 2024
28 numerology
22 numerology
21 numerology
222 numerology
2024 numerology
2024 numerology predictions
23 numerology
27 numerology
2 number numerology
numerology 31
numerology 33 life path
numerology 33
numerology 30
numerology 3 meaning
numerology 34
numerology 333
numerology 3 life path
numerology 3 personality
37 numerology
333 numerology
3 number numerology
3 numerology meaning
33 numerology
333 numerology meaning
31 numerology
30 numerology
3 numerology house
numerology 444 meaning
numerology 44
numerology 4 love life
numerology 444
numerology 40
numerology 4 life path
numerology 4 meaning
numerology 4 personality
numerology 4444
44 numerology
4 number numerology
4 house numerology
47 numerology
4 number numerology in hindi
444 numerology
4 numerology meaning
44 meaning numerology
42 numerology
numerology 5 house
numerology 555 meaning
numerology 555
numerology 5 meaning
numerology 5 relationship
numerology 55
numerology 5 year
numerology 5 personality
numerology 5 life path
5 in numerology represent
5 number numerology
55 numerology
5g numerology
5 numerology house
5 numerology meaning
5 number numerology in hindi
555 numerology
58 numerology
numerology 69
numerology 6 meaning
numerology 6 life path
numerology 6 house
numerology 6 personality
numerology 666
numerology 666 meaning
numerology 6666
numerology 66
66 numerology
6 numerology house
6 number numerology
6 numerology year
6 number numerology in hindi
6 numerology meaning
6 life path number numerology
666 numerology
69 numerology
numerology 7 year
numerology 77
numerology 7 compatibility
numerology 711
numerology 7 house
numerology 777
numerology 7 life path
numerology 7 female
numerology 7 meaning
7 life path number numerology
7 house numerology
777 numerology
77 numerology
7 numerology meaning
7 number numerology
717 numerology
7 number numerology in hindi
711 numerology
numerology 88
numerology 8 love life
numerology 8 meaning
numerology 8 personality
numerology 888
numerology 8 life path
numerology 888 meaning
numerology 8 year 2024
numerology 8 year
8 house numerology
88 numerology
8 numerology meaning
8 number numerology in hindi
8 number numerology
8 numerology year
888 numerology
81 combinations in numerology pdf
8 year numerology 2024
numerology 9 life path
numerology 9 compatibility
numerology 99
numerology 9 year
numerology 9 meaning
numerology 999
numerology 911
numerology 9 house
numerology 9 personality
911 numerology
911 numerology meaning
9 number numerology
9 numerology meaning
9 numerology house
9 number numerology in hindi
999 numerology
9 year numerology
9 life path numerology
house number
house numbers
house number signs
house number plaque
waffle house number
best house number to live in
unluckiest house number
house number plate
gwmc property tax by house number
house number numerology
shillong teer house number
house number yard sign
house number and numerology
house number address
house number and street address
house number and street address example
house number astrology
house number above garage
house number and letters
house number adds up to 9
house number and name signs
house number arrow
amazon house number signs
ajmer power house number
address house number
astrology house number meaning
aminabad power house number
ap house number search
address house number street
an example of a house number
a house number meaning
house number board
house number backlit
house number box
house number boulder
house number black
house number brass
house number bronze
house number bracket
house number board design
house number by zip
blur country house number 1
bliss house number
brass house number
best solar house number lights uk
bloxburg house number decals
babar azam house number
bbq house number
best house number plaques
backlit house number
house number calculator
house number curb painting
house number curb painting kit
house number change
house number colors
house number ceramic tiles
house number code
house number ceramic
house number curb
house number custom made
companies house number
country house number 1
courthouse number
custom house number signs
companies house number search
company house number check
china house number
clearing house number
can you change your house number
china house number 5
house number designs
house number decals
house number display
house number diy
house number display ideas
house number decor
house number decal bloxburg
house number decals for glass
house number sign
house number decal codes bloxburg
diy house number sign
decorative house number plaques
dragon house number
darwin court house number
does street address include house number
driveway house number sign
digital house number plate
digital house number
dog house number
ducky bhai house number
house number examples
house number energy
house number etsy
house number equals 7
house number engraved in stone
house number example in india
house number extension
house number example philippines
house number ending number
house number ebay
example of house number in ghana
example of house number
emerald house number
ely kebab house number
etsy house number signs
engine house number 5
engine house number 9
edmonton court house number
ehn house number
electricity bill by house number
house number fonts
house number feng shui
house number frame
house number for mailbox
house number flower box
house number finder
house number for yard
house number for apartment
house number for sale
house number font generator
find house number by address
feng shui house number calculator
feng shui house number
find house number by name
free standing house number signs
find house number on map
floating house number
feng shui house number 11
feng shui house number 4
find house number
house number garden sign
house number glue
house number good luck
house number germany
house number gold
house number glass stickers
house number glass
house number gate signs
house number google maps
house number ghana
ghmc property tax by house number
gram panchayat house number search
gwmc house number search
golden house number
ghmc voter slip by house number
grill house number
gemini house number
ghmc house number search
house number home depot
house number hanging sign
house number holder
house number height
house number hanger
house number high meaning
house number horoscope
house number hindi
house number how to find
house number hardware
house numbers ideas
house numbers modern
house number meaning
house numbers lowes
how to find house number
house number ideas
house number in spanish
house number ideas on brick
house number ideas diy
house number in address
house number in numerology
house number installation
house number illuminated
house number images
house number inspiration
illuminated house number signs
is house number 4 unlucky
illuminated house number
is house number 6 lucky
indore power house number
is unit number a house number
ideas for house number
is a house number an address
is street number house number
in house number
house number japan
house numbers john lewis
power house number jaipur
house number signage johannesburg
bbq house number jnah
house number 3 jaffa
house number plate johor bahru
power house number jhansi
animal house jupiter number
power house je number
jail house number
jupiter house number
jade house number
jaipur power house number
janta eating house number
jasmine house number
jail house number near me
jj's house number
jalaun power house number
jacksonville jail house number
house number kit
house number kya hota hai
house number kaise pata kare
house number kerala
house number ka matlab
house number kundli

I’ve been asked to hand write a short book someone has written, as a special birthday gift they want to give. It’s in a language I don’t speak, but I was happy to give it a go as I don’t really need to understand the words in order to write them out!
I copied the first draft out, laid out the text for pagination, and got started on the final copy. The text has a mixture of prose and verse, with a lot of specific page breaks.
7 pages in and I discover I’ve skipped three sentences on one page, enough that adding it in pushes all the text onto the following page and stuffs up my pagination.
Excuse me while I weep quietly in a corner.

It's been a busy very last month for me. I've been out and about every weekend and even during certain days during the week, something which I rarely ever do that often. It left me no time to do anything on here or Reddit in general, besides lurking every now and then. The rest of the time I've spent playing games alone to re-fill my social battery as much as I can. I made a promise to myself to go and socialize more, but still being introverted has got me felling like i'm in a predicament of trying to balance everything out. I think I did a good amount of the challenges since my last post, but I'll probably leave some.
For the chat with an old friend there was a couple occasions of that since I started. One was seeing a college friend of mines who I haven't seen in around a decade at a mutual friend's college graduation celebration. He looked the same as I remembered and we sat at the same table and caught up. It seemed like it was just yesterday that we last talked, as though we were put in a time capsule and sent back in time to one of our college events. It was really nice seeing him and as I've been trying to re-ignite old friendships, I told him I'll hit him up to start hanging out again. Another occasion was when I recently learnt of a friend I used to date for a bit that also graduated college. Old me wouldn't have said anything, since I've haven't spoken to them in years. But, when I became aware I sent them a message and congratulated them. We exchanged a few pleasant back and forth, but since they live in a different state now, it'll be hard to hang out again. But I'm glad I was able to send them what I can.
For ordering a drink I never tried before, I believe I do that a good amount at my friend's coffee shop. I usually go visit every Sunday when I can and when I'm not feeling a black cold brew, I always tell him to surprise me and whip up a drink that he's been thinking of making, for me. The last one I had was a brownie/ice-cream/espresso/coffee smoothie concoction. Today if I go, I might tell him to surprise me again.
For sleep by 10:30, I accidentally did it a few days ago. It might have been my body telling me i needed to just shut-down for a bit, but I laid down on my bed at around 5:30 thinking that I'll only nap till 6:30 to watch a NBA basketball game, but I turned off my alarm and just slept through it till the next morning. XD
For giving a gift to a friend or family, I gave gifts to my nieces and mom. Since it is Mother's Day today I gave my mom a face lotion that she loves and keeps asking for. For my nieces, I usually give them gifts for good marks on report cards and birthdays. And since there were a couple birthdays for them, I got them what they wanted which was funny, because one of them just wanted a certain brand of instant ramen and bottled fruit drink.
For giving a genuine hug, I've been basically giving it to all my nieces and nephews and close friends whenever I see them. I truly believe a simple hug feels very special and can give out the feel-good hormones lol. I want it to be a thing for all my friends and family. But I'm not there yet.
For social events, I've been to a good amount. A few parties, a few celebrations. I've been keeping myself busy meeting new people and nourishing current and past ones. It is really tiring, so I'm trying to find a good balance.
For outdoor activity, just yesterday, I was able to go out and play basketball for the first time this year. I'm very happy because I love basketball and hope to continue doing it as much as I possibly can the year. Right now, my whole body is sore due to not playing in a long while. I love the feeling though.
Overall, It's been kind of bittersweet for me. I mean I love being able to go out and follow through with trying to put myself out there and do new things, make new friends, but due to my introverted nature it feels like I was stuck in a rut of not being able to sit down and let my mind catch up in way. I guess that's the price of having to deliberately change my life-style from hermit to not a hermit lol. I'm trying to balance everything out, and I'm hoping to find out more about myself. These last few weeks has taught me that life doesn't have to be as hard as I think it would be. Instead of living through my head, it's easier to just live it, because my brain lies to me about the danger that is out there. I'm starting to gain back that confident and attractive part of me that I lost so many years ago. I just need to be able to take care myself also, which I'm working to do. Keep humble and not lose sense that my body and mind has a limit that I need to make sure not to overdo. Here's to pushing to keep on working to find out who we really are and striving to be the best we can be. Much love!

1. Go to a restaurant you've never visited before.
   
2. Use a mode of transportation not regularly utilized to return home.
   
3. Have a chat with an old friend you haven't contacted in a year (or longer).
   
4. Read a new book in one sitting.
   
5. Choose a day to stay away from the internet.
   
6. Wake up an hour earlier and enjoy a hearty breakfast.
   
7. Order a drink you've never tried before.
   
8. Watch a movie alone.
   
9. Write a letter to yourself in 2024.
   
10. Engage in a craft activity, such as origami, LEGO, or knitting.
    
11. Visit the seaside or a forest and connect with nature.
    
12. Exchange three sentences with a stranger.
    
13. Look through old photos and past diaries.
    
14. Organize your room and discard one item you've been meaning to get rid of.
    
15. Jog for 30 minutes.
    
16. Sleep by 10:30 PM.
    
17. Tell your family "I love you."
    
18. Make a new friend.
    
19. Give a gift to a friend or family member.
    
20. Stay overnight at a friend's place and gossip.
    
21. Smile at yourself in the mirror.
    
22. Treat yourself to a gift.
    
23. Give a genuine hug to someone—family, friend, lover, or a stranger.
    
24. Sing a song in public, disregarding others' reactions, and liberate your voice.
    
25. Attend local social events or groups to meet more interesting people.
    
26. Complete an important task you've been putting off, regardless of size.
    
27. Establish a healthy eating plan for yourself and stick to it for a week.
    
28. Try an outdoor sports activity.
    
29. Dress up seriously for yourself.
    
30. Document the process of this challenge.
    

https://m.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/sunday-life/news/the-catholic-cocaine-barons-who-flooded-nationalist-areas-with-uda-supplied-drugs/a1803242421.html
There’s no place for sectarian hostilities in a world where ‘money is king’
These are the Catholic drug barons who made a fortune flooding nationalist areas with what police and paramilitaries say is UDA-supplied cocaine.
James McGrogan and Jackie Farrell — both of whom are now behind bars — worked hand-in-hand with the terror gang on major distribution deals.
The pair, who swamped republican heartlands in Belfast like the Falls, Ardoyne and New Lodge with UDA drugs, were linked to the paramilitary group through the notorious Coleman brothers — Dee and Gary ‘Goof’.
The siblings were senior figures in the gang’s ‘C’ Company Lower Shankill unit once led by Johnny Adair, but were kicked out of the UDA and exiled from the area several years ago following a row over missing cash. When the Colemans were in control of C Company drug dealing, they set up a lucrative supply route with other criminals in Belfast. Among their ‘hands across barricades’ business partners were Catholics James McGrogan (37) and Jackie Farrell (42).
McGrogan has a long history of involvement in the drugs trade and was forced to flee west Belfast a decade ago under threat from dissidents.
Last month he was jailed for two years for possessing £100,000 of East Belfast UVF cocaine with intent to supply and £28,000 in criminal cash.
This is McGrogan’s second conviction for drug dealing — in 2017 he was caged for four years for possessing cocaine with intent to supply.
Cocaine queen Jackie Farrell is also currently behind bars having pleaded guilty at the end of April to a raft of drug dealing charges.
She was first arrested last summer after £50,000 of cocaine, £10,000 cash and a debtor’s list was found by police in her north Belfast home. Loyalist sources told Sunday Life that the drugs were supplied by Gary ‘Goof’ Coleman.
The 31-year-old loyalist, who has been previously identified in court as a UDA leader, remains heavily involved in drug dealing despite parting ways with the terror gang.
He has a conviction for possessing cocaine with intent to supply and has long-standing links to self-confessed drugs boss Jackie Farrell.
Photographs of the pair freely available on Farrell’s social media show how she refers to Coleman as “the apprentice” and her “business partner”.
Farrell even bought him a prank birthday cake with a green, white and orange inside and recorded a laughing Coleman slicing it open.
Detailing Coleman’s relationship with Farrell, one source said: “Goof and Jackie are best mates going back years. They invite each other to family functions, they are very close. “They became friends through the drug scene. Jackie sold UDA cocaine in Ardoyne, which was supplied to her by Goof and his older brother Dee Coleman. Even after Goof and Dee were kicked out of the UDA, they continued to supply her.”
​In December 2020, Farrell was forced to quit her Ardoyne home following threats from dissidents. But before leaving the Housing Executive property, which she had spent thousands of pounds on decorating, she recorded herself smashing up the living room. The video was widely shared on social media.
Farrell moved to the nearby Limestone Road area where she continued to control cocaine dealing. Although she had left Ardoyne she ensured Goof Coleman’s network thrived there by using a young male associate to deal UDA drugs in the fiercely republican district.
This individual, who drives expensive cars and wears designer clothes despite being unemployed, claims to have the protection of the INLA.
While Jackie Farrell worked almost exclusively with Goof Coleman, it was his older brother Dee Coleman who was Catholic drug baron James McGrogan’s point of contact.
Dee (38) is considered the more sinister of the Coleman brothers with a criminal record for extreme violence beginning when he was just 14 years old.
That was when he helped a UDA gang shoot up a Shankill Road bar during a feud with the UVF. In the 24 years since, he has been further convicted of extortion, UDA membership, fraud and having an imitation firearm.
Coleman is currently being held on remand in Maghaberry Prison awaiting sentencing for possessing cocaine with intent to supply, along with kidnap and torture.
Last month he pleaded guilty to being part of a gang that held a drug addict captive, repeatedly stabbed him with a hot knife, hacked him with a hatchet and then dumped his semi-naked body in a field in sub-zero conditions.
It was during his stint in Maghaberry Prison for UDA membership that Coleman first met James McGrogan, who was serving a four-year sentence at the time for cocaine dealing.
The pair agreed to work together to use their contacts to supply UDA drugs throughout nationalist west Belfast. Sources who know McGrogan say working with loyalist paramilitaries did not bother him.
“When James was in jail he was close to Jay Smith — the convicted hitman and heroin dealer who was on the loyalist wing,” said an insider.

So first of all, like most cases, this has been building for years. My mother who may or may may not be a narcissist, but definitely has narcissistic traits is one of those people who freaks out about having the perfect holiday screams at and treats like shit for a week before for three hours of ok holiday.
Every year she tells me I ruined the holiday. It doesn’t matter what I do how much I help if I stay away if I help a lot, I ruined the holiday. It makes me feel like shit. Meanwhile, her constant freak out ruined my holidays but no one cares about that cause it’s always about her. my birthday every holiday, all about her. The only redeeming thing was I got to spend holidays with my grandparents who were amazing. I get she wants to make the holiday nice but it’s mostly for her because my grandparents and I have discussed that we appreciate it but would rather her relax and just go out to eat or something. Keep in mind my aunt and uncles used to come for the holidays and they got so stressed out by it they stopped coming. Lately it’s just been me my sibling and my grandmother since my parents are divorced.
So my grandmother passed away while I was overseas last year before Christmas. I couldn’t fly back for the funeral so I said I’ll come for Christmas because I know it would be tough without her. so I come back for Christmas keep in mind, my dad pays for the flight and says he’s OK with me spending Christmas with my mother. Keep in mind, I’m very upset that my grandma not gonna be there because she was the best part of the holiday but I’m like you know it’s gonna be hard on my mom. So my mom tells me that a lot of her friends from where she grew up happened to move to town she lives in now and that there are family now and we’re going to celebrate with them. Keep in mind aside from one of them who is basically my aunt, I don’t know these people. so I asked my mom hey since I’m flying 7000 miles 20 hours for Christmas, do you think maybe we could just have a more laid-back Christmas and she freaks out and says that this is super important so I’m like OK I’ll go to this thing.
Keep in mind this is a day after I flew in. I almost passed out from exhaustion and people were constantly on me about where I live and asking questions that were very culturally insensitive. Not with malice but just ignorance and after hours of being exhausted and missing my grandma, it wasn’t fun. But I grinned and bared it for my mother.
So then a few days later she said ok we’re gonna go to the grave and I’m not the type of person who really gets a lot out of going to graves especially with my mother because she’s going to make it about her and I’m gonna be comforting her and when I need comfort, she can’t do anything. But I go with her because I know that’ll make her happy. So after the grave, we go to lunch and she does nothing but talk about drama with my aunt that I never see (not the one from the Christmas party) and she just keeps talking nonstop about my grandmother and I’m at a point where this is a lot on me and I don’t really feel like talking about it.
so we’re about to go to dinner and I say hey can we just not talk about my grandmother for just a few hours it’s been a lot on me. I can’t even finish the sentence before she starts screaming at me at the top of my lungs that I’m ungrateful and calls me names and then I had a friend who passed away young about a year ago and she’s like well. I’m sick of hearing about your friend that died Keep in mind. I barely talked about her to my mother because my mom was fucking awful thought that. And I tried to really give her some grace cause she’s mourning too.
So I get back to the country that I live in and I try talking to my mom on the phone. I was like hey you know I it was a hard Christmas for you, but it was for me as well and I didn’t appreciate you yelling at me when I wasn’t comfortable talking about something. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs and says well you ruined my Christmas by coming.
After that, plus years of abuse when I was in high school, I was just done. I tried talking to her one last time and said you know you really hurt me and she’s like well. I don’t feel any guilt cause I didn’t mean to, im not like those people who try to hurt people intentionally. And I tried to explain to her that people usually have good intentions and aren’t trying to hurt people intentionally, when people hurt people on accident they usually feel bad and sorry. she could not wrap her head around that. No apology. Basically said she thought everything I did as a kid was out of spite to hurt her not me just being a kid that made mistakes. It was actually scary.
It’s been four months since we’ve spoke and she’s not getting a Mother’s Day call. Don’t want to ruin the holiday.

My son was sentenced to a " stacked term” of a 102.5 year's in a Texas Prison, first offense, for crimes committed 15 days after his 17th birthday; he's 42 years old now ... Is their a directory (Internet) where I could help get him a pro bono lawyer, or an advocate center that could possibly help unstack my son's sentences??? For decades he's swore his innocence on a charge that got him out of character in court and swears anyone who looks into the exact foundation of these offenses will realize their was an injustice, a direction would be of great assistance .... Thank you ...

Hi parents,
My 7 year old daughter was just diagnosed with severe, combination type ADHD. The doctor says she is one of the most extreme cases he has seen in a while.
I've known she's had ADHD since she was a toddler, but everyone told me she was too young to diagnose. She has a very strong family history of it - my husband, his sister, and his parents all suffer from it. My husband is medicated.
The doctor recommended medication right away, because her attention difficulties are so severe that any type of behaviour intervention won't work until she's medicated. I have feelings about this, but ultimately want to do what's best for her. Medication makes a HUGE difference for her dad, so I know it will help her. But I feel like I'm just throwing a bandaid at the problem.
She tested in the 98th percentile for her reading and language skills (no surprise there either - she's been speaking in sentences since her first birthday). All the other things she fell within the average to low average range, but the doctor said she doesn't have a learning disability, her attention difficulties prevented her from completing those parts of testing. The one thing he says she may actually struggle with is her writing.
I guess I'm just here to connect with others going through the same thing. For some reason this diagnosis has me feeling sad for her and I feel like it's my fault. Yes, logically I know it's not. And I know it's a manageable condition with meds and therapy. But the mom guilt is real!
Her report also has a recommendation for an IEP, with things like extra test time and different delivery methods. Will her regular public school be able to accommodate this? Or will she end up in a special education classroom? We're in Ontario, if that matters.
Give me the good, the bad, and the ugly about helping her succeed despite these challenges!

made this for my narrative essay in american literature, but one of my friends said i should share the story
“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.