As If It Were Kismet: Prologue
Matt tore through the brush, blind in the dark. He didn’t care where he was going. He only knew he needed to be elsewhere. Far from here.
Behind him a creature howled that shocked his mind. It’s form was cruel and dangerous, though female. Nothing like the young woman she had once been. Nothing but a girl, a small and slight female.
It’s guttural growls and howls only grew closer as Matt tried to pick between seeing where he was going and getting away. The few times he looked he caught sight of the creature behind him. Hopping through the air with a speed that told him he was being toyed with. As if he were a mouse being played with by a cat.
But the reflex in him to run kept him going. His adrenaline going as hard as it could. The tightness and burning in his core tensing and locking up as his legs felt like there were being burned from within while taking on more of a heaviness.
His lungs were starting to betray him as he tried to gulp big breaths of air but only rapid and shallow breaths were all that he could manage. His brain was starting to burn….and then he was falling.
Falling down the side of a hill he saw the creature dart in a spring towards him, imperceivably fast almost. Catching him in mid air it seemed.
Managing to wrap its body around him and cushion his impact against the ground as they rolled. His mind barely took in what was happening during the roll. Only starting to understand what was happening once they were still.
The creature's triple D-cup breasts were unmistakably pressed hard against his back as he laid facing up at the night sky.
For a few seconds the world stilled and the needle light pain hitting the center of his brain took over for the cooking heat his brain had felt. His whole body felt heavy and reluctant to move.
Even if he could have really moved, a dull ache came over his limbs making them feel stilled and trapped as if by immeasurable amounts of sand that had engulfed him.
Slowly the arms holding him started to move. Moving so the creature's hands could start exploring him. Causing Matt to unstoppably let out a pathetic moan that made him go cold inside as hands lifted up his shirt and started to touch his exposed stomach and then his chest.
He would have whimpered so pathetically had he not still been in the depths of terror.
As its hands felt and groped his pecs he tried to situp as if to get away. For his efforts, his reward was a hand around his throat and a collection snarls and growls against his ear. A beastly, guttural voice spat words at him while somehow holding a feminine tone.
“Don’t move….I don’t know if I can calm down…”
Her words were not helped by her moans in his ear and the subsequent kissing of his ear. The flesh of his ear going between her lips as she moaned and seemed to pant. Releasing it and licking the side of his face with a moist warmth. He could feel its spittle, viscous and coating his flesh where the tongue touched. He could smell something in his saliva. Something that subtly entranced him.
Matt went stock still with fear and the confusion of mixed arousal. He barely perceived her right hand traveling lower on his body. A surprised moan and shudder echoed in the night from Matt’s lips as she took ahold of him. Her hand above his pants but still….stimulating him.
A light squeezing and almost probing of her digits kept him aroused and confused within her grasp. Resigning himself to the strange fate, Matt looked up at the stars as his mind tried not to shatter under the strange maelstrom of events and sensation that had started mere minutes ago.
His mind was only more confused as a slight figure, feminine in build, how it seemed to thunk the ground audibly as she landed on her feet out nowhere. Her knees barely bending under the pressure of the landing. Yet dirt was kicked up anyways and some of it onto Matt. Feeling it pepper his shirt and pants as it fell.
The figure, lit only faintly by moonlight, roared some dark tone Matt could only perceive as a demon as her eyes went bright with a crimson light. A light in the darkness that should not have been. “Let him go you bitch.” Was its words following the roar. Spittle escaping its mouth with faint droplets hit Matt's face.
The creature holding him by his throat and crotch seemed to tighten the grasp of both hands as it roared back. “HE IS MINE!”
The figure paused with a moment's hesitation. He was also her quarry. She had felt his fear without him knowing. His confused arousal. His fear. His terror.
And now he laid at the center of a struggle between two monsters. Unsure of who he wanted to win.
As If It Was Kismet Ch. 1
Matthew Berkshire hadn’t seen his mom in two years. Not that he had seen her much over the last six years.
A messy divorce between messy people and mom’s chaotic want for a life in Alaska had been one of the most…upsetting times in life. Setting him up for so much of what had defined his life thus far but then that had really started two years before he ever turned.
His ear buds were basic and simple. A part of cheap five pack, common for his life as he was known to lose little things. Small things. They had a mix of metal and hard rock playing in them. Some classics, some alternative. Whatever made him feel something, anything. Even if it was hate. Anger. Rage. It was better than feeling numb. Not belonging.
The escalator down to his lone bag to go with his lone carry on showed his mom waiting for him. His had a type, that’s for damn sure. Not that it helped him in the genetics department as he was stuck at 5’9” to go along with his mother’s five foot even as his dad stood six foot. Forever leaving him to feel small, to pale, under his dad’s shadow. Did he ever stand a chance?
The guy next to her with the unkempt former seventies porn stache was “Dave.” He’d met him twice when his mother came and visited him in Florida. To his credit the guy didn’t look annoyed. Kind of concerned kind of which made Matthew want to break his frozen look but he was well practiced. Having removed any note of sadness from his face through much…tribulation.
His mother’s look on her face betrayed a hint of worry as the bruises on his face lightly showed up close. Saying his name was his like a distant echo that belonged to someone else.
Dave cut in and pulled out his right headphone. “What the hell bud, they knock you hard enough to hurt hearing? Your mom’s asking how you are doing.”
Matthew pulled out the other bud and grunted an empty “sorry.”
“You still have bruises after two week? What did they do to you?” His mom’s voice was full of worry. Something he hadn’t heard in….too long. Too long to make him feel anything. To ever make him believe there was any sincerity to her words. To not think her voice and mannerisms were an act. An act by someone who…wasn’t really there.
“It’s only fair. I took a nose. Fractured a couple orbital bones. Left one with having to get his jaw wired shut. And one will never walk right again for what I did to his knee cap.” Matthew said it all with a bored and disinterested tone. Perhaps well rehearsed.
“My man, handing out ass kickings, not bothering to take names.” Dave was quick to be the typical man’s man about it. Matthew wasn’t quite done yet. Lifting up his shirt to expose the right side near his kidney. Revealing a nasty scar from a six inch blade. “Luckily they gave me this first so they could rule it all in self-defense. The fuck didn’t get it in more than inch before I ruined his knee cap and then I took the nose of one of the fucks holding me.” Now he chose to smile keeping the well practiced dead look in his eyes.
No retorts. No questions. Just horrified looks on their faces. As he liked. As he preferred. They could hate him. They could be disgusted by him. But by God they would fear him.
“Well the doc did a good job sewing you up.” Dave commented uncomfortably. “Dissolving sutures. Ain’t they grand.” He smiled again and let it abruptly fall off his face and started walking to the carousel for the baggage claim.
Waiting and making small talk with Dave as his mother stood in silence. He was not the little boy she abandoned. The little boy she left with an angry man. While never hitting him. Left him in constant fear till he turned twelve and just didn’t care anymore. Something snapped. Broke. And he didn’t care if he died. Didn’t care if he stole. Didn’t even care if he killed. He just knew not to get caught. Something left over from his grandfather’s wisdom which came to make more and more sense with each passing year of life since that thing inside him broke.
Finally his bag came around and Dave went to try first to grab it but Dave practically leapt ahead of him. “Is that your grandfather’s rucksack bag?” his mother asked in a perplexed voice.
“Figured it’s been around since Viet Nam. So it’d serve me better than any of the worthless stuff they called luggage.” Dave commented after Matthew’s words. “Well hell yeah I still got mine from Desert Storm. You know the first one.” Dave laughed and Matthew eyed him oddly. Be it in the south or whether it was Alaska, country boys are country boys he guessed.
The car ride to the two people’s house, as Matthew thought of them. Was uneventful and full of vistas he imagined metropolitan types wetting themselves over. At most they meant isolation to him. Furtherness from the world as there were no mountains in Florida. And what mountains he had last seen in another state had been when he was eight. Another life, to Matthew it felt like. A life alien to him.
As If It Was Kismet Ch 2
Dave and his mom’s place was some two story type tucked into a tree line far up an elevated point. It was by no means the highest point in the mountain but it certainly felt up there.
Rocks were where the driveway should have been Matthew thought. Grabbing his backpack and rucksack from Dave’s jeep was no hard thing for him. Matthew was in formidable shape for someone his age, maybe even five years older. He had gotten a mix of fairly big shoulders and arms along with the chest to go for it when compared to most kids his age. A side effect of working out at least twice a day. First thing in the morning, some time in the evening, and the school’s gym when had had a good semester in school before he had to leave Florida.
Dave tried to come up and help him but Matthew walked past him towards the house. His mom was not sure what to make of his demeanor. Matthew was not the sweet kind boy he had once been. But she had been gone from his life essentially for a long time.
Ushering him into the house she cracked some joke he did not hear. He was too busy looking about and seeing a mix of old outdated decorating mixed with the strange and odd flair of his mother. Color contrasting against drab and dated. Like brightly painting over an old home that was falling apart he thought.
“Your room is this way Mattie.” His mom brightly intoned.
Without expressing any interest he followed his mother. Still faced and nonplussed. Just going along with the current. Pushed and pulled with its roll like a piece of driftwood.
The room was simple. A single small bed. A set of rubber weights with a curl bar and barbells. “Your dad said you were into weight lifting so we got you a bunch of stuff. Dave says it looks like his department’s gym almost. The woman’s smile felt very alien to him.
“Thank you. I appreciate it. I’ve got most of my stuff from home.” Matthew starting unpacking his rucksack and pulled out cables of repetitive and mixed colors. A single plastic barbell handle. The ruck sack could be filled with water bottles for added weight during pushups he figured. Remembering a Michael Keaton movie he watched with his dad post-Batman movies where he played a convicted killer using plastic bags filled with water for weights.
Matthew caught movement outside his lone fairly large window that could let him step out onto the roof of the house given its layout.
He saw a number of people running together through what he guessed was the backyard of the property, not that it had any fences to mark boundaries
They wore clothes that looked similar yet different from each other at the same time.”Oh those are the Johnston’s. Really nice bunch of people. Been on the mountain for a long time Dave tells me.”
Matthew looked at the group of people running and noticed the lack of resemblance. “They are related?” Matthew quizzically asked. Seeing a black and possibly a hispanic person amongst the bland looking white people.
“Oh well they are all adopted but for one or two of them…besides the parents of course. The family has a long tradition of taking in orphans they say. Real nice of them to do that don’t you think.”
Matthew looked at his mother and the hosier accent made no sense to him as he arched his left eye brow. Her and his dad were both from Florida. Born and raised. Sure her parents were from New York city but…
Matthew shook his lightly without turning to look at his mother as his vision was grabbed by one of the runners in particular. A girl of moderate height. Soft brunette. A plain beauty he figured with a slim build….and lack of remarkable breasts and rear to make any note of but….girls in general were his type at his age.
She was pretty enough. He couldn’t deny that but he found himself transfixed by her visage.
But the way she turned and looked at him, especially at that distance felt very disconcerting to him. Even if she was smiling like…she was a taste of a bright shiny day. Somehow.
Matthew’s mom noticed the exchange and smiled to herself with closed lips. “Oh that’s Vicky. She’s your age I think. Very sweet girl, who does the charity functions. You know bake sales, blood drives, car washes and the like. I think you should get to know her. Might be good for you.”
A truck horn sounded a couple of beeps in rather succession. “Oh that must be Mack, he said he might come by later this evening but he seems early.”
Matthew’s mother turned and left his room. Leaving Matthew to exchange a few looks with the alluring Vicky as she turned her head away from him to talk to the others in her group and look back at him.
Still Matthew’s left eyebrow was arched. In a way that reminded him of Spock from Star Trek that he and his grandpa used to watch on some streaming service or another.
As he heard ambient chatter elsewhere outside the house he figured to check it out as the alluring sight of Vicky would be around he figured. It was dull to stare at artwork. He was a boy who preferred jet skis and the like. Something he could ride and enjoy immensely. Even if at times it got him stabbed.
As If It Was Kismet Ch 3
Matthew sauntered out of the house and down the rockway that stood in for a driveway.
A few new people had come over from what he could first surmise of the situation. As he got closer it was obvious they were indigenous people. A couple of grown men…and a girl?
She was mousey. Maybe five foot. Hiding behind glasses and a big camo jacket that was far too big for her. It looked made for a grown man and the backwards trucker hat on her head kept her long black a beautiful mess of sorts.
She was cute in a way. A little androgynous but she had a cute energy to her. She reminded him of the more tomboyish Puerto Rican girls he had gotten into back in Florida. Given the deer corpses in the back of the truck….probably more dangerous to play with given the men in her family.
Small chatter passed between the adults when the girl noticed but turned away, trying to hide the tiny hint of a smile.
“Oh Mattie, this is Mack. He works with Dave at the sheriff’s department and John, he’s with fish and wildlife.” Matthew nodded at his mom’s words with some blankness as he looked at the deer the in the back of the pickup truck.
“Gale tells us you hunted with your dad some in Florida and Georgia.” Mack offered with a light hearted laugh camouflaged by his big simple and cheery but husky way he spoke.
Looking in the back of the truck he spoke. “We used lever action thirty-thirties and Mosin Nagants in seven-six-two-fifty-four-rimmed.” Mack and John whistled in an exaggerated fashion. Leaving Matthew to wonder if they were mocking him.
Mack spoke. “Well we just used thirty-odd-six in a custom gussied Garand.” That caught Matthew’s attention. “You have a Garand…” Matthew finally demonstrated interest in anything. “My dad has an SVT-40 and a Hakim 8mm but he always wanted a Garand but was too cheap to buy one.”
Gale, his mother, chimed in loudly. “Oh his Dad loved his guns but was such an odd duck about how he bought or why he bought them. Never made sense to me how he wasn’t a collector but he didn’t get the latest and greatest.” Gale laughed uncomfortably. At least it seemed that way to Matthew.
Matthew pointed to the girl with an underhanded pointing hand. “And who is this? A cute little mute mouse or does she have a name?” Dave and the other men laughed.
Mack again spoke. “Well you people call her Rebecca, she’s my adopted daughter.” Matthew was taken aback by what he heard. “You people?”
Rebecca kindly spoke with a soft but almost melodic voice as she struggled to maintain eye contact. “White people or rather not members of our tribe. It’s just easier to appease the colonizer kind of thing. Borrowed from when the Jesuit missionaries chased us up here.”
Mack stepped in. “It’s just easier to have white people names than have them try to say our tribal names. And we don’t want them shortening or Anglicising our names kind of thing.” Rebecca stepped back into the conversation cutting off her adopted father. “It’s an insult to our history basically.”
Matthew cocked his head sideways raising his eyebrows shortly before letting them drop. “Well as soon as I’m eighteen I’m out of here and back to Florida so I’m a sort of involuntary colonizer of sorts. So I won’t be taking any of your land from you. The Seminoles on the other hand are still shit out of luck.”
Rebecca’s smile caused Matthew to reflexively smile. Mack made the moment more awkward. “See Becca, I told you someone off the reservation would like you some. You just have to be creative.” Mack laughed in a chiding manner…Matthew presumed. He sensed that he was the butt of some kind of cultural joke. Like marrying a white guy was some sort of insult or mark of shame. That kind of thing.
Rebecca turning away from him was not something he had been expecting. Her then getting in the truck in a huff left the group in a silence for a moment.
Dave spoke to break the awkward silence. “Well just bring the truck to work on Monday and leave it for me to grab up.” Mack acknowledged Dave and they started to get off as Rebecca looked at Matthew for another instance. Matthew couldn’t look away for some reason as the two seemed to lock eyes for an instance.
Till Vicky and family seemed to come jogging down the road. While Matthew’s eyes diverted from Rebecca’s. Hers did not till she realized he was looking elsewhere. And her vision found Vicky and what had been a hint of smile on her face turned glum and disappointed.
Matthew did not look away from the vision of Vicky but instead of a starry eyed fool looking longingly. It was a baffled look. Well baffled for him, with his eyes drawn narrow and night with a focus.
There was something about her…he couldn’t quite put a name too. The way she appeared to him. One second brunette. The next second blonde or blonde like. As if the color appeared in her air and disappeared in fractions of seconds. Much the same way her body almost seemed to…shift…very subtly…smoothly. A nicer bum. Larger breasts. And then back to a simple and plain form. Feminine no doubt. Attractive. But not so…remarkable.
As If It Was Kismet Ch 4
The next two days passed without incident. Nothing of any real substance or challenge to note.
Matthew got settled somewhat and started working out almost immediately. Exploring around the woods but Dave told him not to go far. Especially without a hunting rifle. Dave had left a simple semi-auto Winchester out for him. His bear gun as Dave referred to it with its four round magazine. But Matt figured till he got some practice with the rifle to leave it alone. He made a hiking stick like his grandpa taught him and treated it over a low fire. He would take some electrical tape for the end his hand would grip around. Plenty enough to ward off anything smaller than a bear he figured.
The ride to school was a pain in the neck but simple enough. Dave would let him use a clunker pickup truck he had laying around. It wasn’t pretty but it would get him to and from. Even if it was from the eighties and still backfired on occasion. But for now Dave and his mom took him on their way to the sheriff’s department.
It wasn’t much of a school. It wanted to be modern but its fifties original construction was very obvious. It serviced the pipeline families and familys’ of fisherman who worked the seasons in between their time at the pipeline.
Matt was to report to the principal for some reason Dave and his mom wouldn’t share. Which annoyed him but he figured it was to read him the law of land. Small towns with their big views of the outside world and like.
Dressed in jeans, a grey sweatshirt under a light jacket with steel toed boots set him more apart then he expected. His buzzed head didn’t help matters. Already he was feeling like a stranger in a strange land but he was quite strange after all. And he liked it that way. Normal people were so pathetically disappointing to him.
A secretary or assistant or some such led him to the principal’s office. Where it reeked of real wood that was old and fabric and upholstery that needed to be updated for the last twenty years, Matt figured.
“This is Matthew Berkshire, Principal Andrews.” The man was turned with his back to the door and he was quick to wave her off as he turned her around.
He was an older man. Fat and large. Tall with a body built like he had once been fit and a demeanour of annoyed and irate already as he fixed Matt with a scowl and look of disgust. Another worthless government whore. Matt thought to himself. His father and his grandfather had bestowed unto him a natural disrespect for government workers and the figures that wore unjustified authority as a shield but pretended the weight of the state was not at their back ready to crush all who resisted. Little figures of valor pretending to be mighty and alone but acting with the tyranny of the state and all the backing.
“Mr. Berkshire, please sit down.” His tone wasn’t unusually hostile, just gruff. As if he had better things to do.
Matt complied and took a seat in the chair while maintaining a friendly facade. Not everyone was an enemy. And not everyone needed to be an enemy. Even if anybody could be any enemy. There was no reason to make enemies you didn’t have to. Another of his grandfather’s bastardised wisdoms.
“Well I looked over you file and you have quite the history Mr. Berkshire.” Matt resisted qiuping back a joke. Instead he waited for Principal Andrews to continue as he remained nonplussed and looking as if he felt no need to respond. A simple head tilt with dead eyes looking back at the principle as if he was not even there would suffice.
Matt’s reaction or lack of a reaction rather made Principal Andrews only narrow his eyes with examination. He was not used to a kid not responding to him. Especially with his gruff and hard act going on.
“Well by all accounts you moved here after some problems at your last school. A fight broke out and you did some real harm to your fellow students it appears.” Of course, he would take the side of the perpetrators. School administrators always did. Especially when they weren’t white. Just a fact of the times. Cowardice and pathetic mediocrity was the way they leaned, like good government workers sucking the dick of Big Daddy government. Worthless whores.
Matt chose to reply. “Oh you mean the criminals that stabbed me. Got arrested at the hospital and then pled to felonies. Yeah Florida, with the American counties are good like that.” Principal Andrews went real still. No shame. No fear. No penitence. He didn’t like that.
“Well be it as it may Mr. Berkshire we don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour here…” Matt cut him off responding with a deadpan tone. “You mean self-defense meant to save one’s own life while the cowardly and pathetic school workers look on with zero interest but to keep their money rolling in and will allow known gang members with records of violent acts and crimes that should have them expelled many times over, where in certain Democrat counties such cowardice and idiocy empowered a couple school shooters?”
Principal Andrews looked at the Matt with a note of disgust. “Look here Mr. Berkshire, your beliefs matter not one bit here. This isn’t Florida. We don’t like our way of life being disrupted by outside agitators who have problems with authority.”
Matt did his best not to roll his eyes and let the older fat man drone own as he dead-stared him. Lifeless and without emotion.
The man came to a finish and Matt spoke up without having listened to him or paid him any attention. “Great now that’s taken care of. Can I please get to class and finish my sentence of two years at your wonderful school?”
Principal Andrews huffed and snorted before calling in Vicky. Vicky stood in the corner after entering with a quiet and seamless presence. Matt felt disturbed and tried not betray his feelings as the young Vicky was perceived and not perceived to be moving.
Principal Andrews made the introductions and Matt nodded back. She was to be his chaperone for the day. They had the same classes and she was to show him the ropes so to speak. The ins and outs of the school. The locations of their classes.
He recognized her. It was hard not to. The way her appearance seemed to shift fluidly almost. The petite and skinny brunette ever so lightly had a big bust and blonde hair with curves added when she seemed to shift before his eyes. Like watching a film but each frame had a different person.
Matt didn’t say anything about it. Even if he did he would only be acknowledging his crazed state, if he had one. If.
Unlike an obedient puppy dog he got up in a slow and awkward fashion and followed behind her as his oddly disproportionate frame allowed. Causing her a note of concern for some reason. As if she was seeing something she shouldn’t have been….Or he was just weird. And Matt could admit to himself he was just weird. Part of his charm, he would jest about it at times. Not that he had many people to jest to now.
As If It Were Kismet Ch. 5
Following Vicky into the hall off to their first class was simple. She exchanged small talk and he slightly smiled as if to obviously suggest he was just being polite.
Inside his head, Matt was trying to figure out if he was having a psychotic break. The way Vicky looked kept changing and he looked at the other people around him and they stayed the same.
He was searching his mind as they were walking. And thus he wasn’t paying attention to where he was looking and so fell to his face forward over his feet seemingly out of nowhere.
A series of laughs erupted as it sunk in that he was obviously tripped. Like in prison this was a challenge to his superiority. If he let this pass he would be mocked and sneered at by this same group of boys. He wouldn’t walk to them like he was going to do nothing like a little bitch.
In a rage he turned and punched the stomach of the first face he saw. Some typical blonde haired wannabe jock. He knew from experience not to aim for the ribs. Instead he needed to aim for where he thought the belly button was.
Yells and screams blindly echoed around him as his after the punch he followed up his elbow of the opposite arm slamming into the face of the jock. Harder than a fist, the elbow struck the jock’s jaw and seemingly dropped him against a locker. Just in time to catch an errant and soft punch to the nose that sure enough hurt but did little to slow him down as his dad had taught him to fight through the pain. Blood and scars happened. They were a natural consequence of life to a man.
Taking the punch and falling further into his red state Matt headbutted the punch thrower before another guy arm bared his throat from behind. Which he managed to get his grip on the arm over a letterman jacked and jerk the unprepared boy to the side with him still latched on.
A few feet away from the lockers Matt knew his only chance was to jump and push off the lockers and knock the boy to the ground and so he did. He heard a thunk of the boy’s skull bouncing off the ground and he turned to pull out of the grapple.
The beatings he had taken from his father, the grapples, being choked unconscious. Had prepared him for fighting little bitches who didn’t know what a fight was. It wasn’t gay porn with rabbit punch fists flying.
Blood was running down his face and the pain started to hit him as the threats had been eliminated. Only then did he remember to breathe. Taking breathes as Vicky came up to him with tissues and took a hold of his nose.
“Owww owww owww what the fuck my nose could be broken.” He said to Vicky as she pulled his head up and back.
“It’s ok Carl. It’s done.” Matt tried to look to see who Vicky was talking to. It was a boy taller than his 5’9” by more than a small margin. The boy eyed him bored and annoyed before speaking. “What happened here?” An unoriginal line but one Matt couldn’t be a smart aleck about. “Well you see there was an outbreak of tripping and we all tripped over my dick. It happens.” Matt was about to laugh when Vicky seemed to pull up while still gripping his nose causing Matt no small amount of pain which he audibly evidenced.
Vicky spoke in a tone he wasn’t expecting. As if she was accustomed to issuing orders. “Keep Iris away from the hall till we sanitize the site. We have blood from at least three people contaminating the site. And have Jake bring me a spare jacket and shirt for this moron.”
Carl seemed to acknowledge her orders and seemed to blink away. Maybe the punch hit harder than he expected. He had no time to wonder as Vick took her hand away from his and pushed him against the lockers. With ease he had not been expecting from her form and stature.
Before he could respond Vicky licked his blood covered chin and then his lips and spoke to him. “Focus on me you little blood bag.” Her tone had an annoyed yet feminine sneer.
“Look into my eyes. Look at me. You belong to me. You are just another food source in a collection of food sources.” Her eyes were a beautiful hazel Matt thought. Almost green. Pretty like jewels in some old treasure collections. The eyes he could get lost in before kissing her. Finally Vicky was just a slight and petite brunette and he thought she was beautiful.
She would make a hell of a girlfriend. Some cute thing he could see laying on the beach in Florida on their sides laughing and smiling before trading light kisses while hands wandered innocently. Before his mind could drift further he felt her lips on his. It took him a second to mentally grasp the kiss but his arms were around her back as her hands were at his sides. His eyes reflexively closed as he saw hers close.
It was ineffable to Matt. Beyond words, what was happening. The kiss, the moments beforehand. The way his brain tickled with electricity and gentle warmth. He had never had a kiss like this and he had traded more than a few kisses with at least a few girls.
The kiss was like a warm bath with his consciousness slipping beneath the surface. Their lips only parted to try new angles and approaches as Matt struggled to take in breath. It was a moment he could have stayed trapped in for….he didn’t know. But a curt throat clearing by another girl pulled them out of the moment.
The girl was taller than Vicky. Blonde. With slight curves. Vicky addressed her bewildered and gobsmacked, and perhaps a bit embarrassed. “Tina?”

Source: 🔗 Chat with Lifelike Virtual Personalities — talkiemate.com
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Photo by Somben Chea
User Experience
The user experience with Candy.ai is nothing short of exceptional. Novice users and experienced creators alike appreciate the intuitive nature of the platform. The straightforward layout and easy-to-use tools make character generation a seamless and enjoyable process. Moreover, the high level of customization options allows users to fine-tune every aspect of their characters, ensuring they meet specific project requirements effortlessly. Candy.ai truly empowers users to unleash their creativity without any technical hurdles.
Replika
Replika, an innovative character AI platform, offers a range of unique features that set it apart in the realm of AI-generated characters.
Unique Selling Points
Replika stands out for its ability to create deeply personalized interactions with users. It leverages machine learning to adapt to individual personalities, creating a unique conversational experience. Additionally, Replika provides a safe space for users to express themselves without judgment, fostering a sense of empathy and understanding between the user and the AI character.
Community Feedback
User feedback on Replika has been overwhelmingly positive. Many users praise the platform for its empathetic responses and engaging conversations. Some have likened interacting with Replika to talking to a close friend, highlighting the platform’s ability to provide companionship and emotional support. Overall, Replika’s community feedback underscores its effectiveness in creating meaningful connections with users.
Photo by ThisIsEngineering
Anima AI
In the realm of character creation, Anima AI stands out as a powerful tool that brings characters to life with ease.
Functionality
Anima AI offers a diverse range of functionalities that elevate character creation to new heights. From generating unique personalities to crafting intricate backstories, Anima AI provides creators with the ability to breathe life into their characters effortlessly. Its advanced algorithms analyze various traits and attributes to create well-rounded characters that resonate with audiences. Whether you need a hero with a tragic past or a quirky sidekick, Anima AI can tailor characters to suit your narrative needs with precision and flair.
Integration Options
Anima AI seamlessly integrates into a variety of platforms, making it a versatile choice for character AI utilization. Whether you’re designing a video game, animated film, or virtual reality experience, Anima AI can be easily incorporated to enhance the storytelling experience. Its compatibility with popular software and engines streamlines the integration process, allowing creators to focus on unleashing their imagination without technical barriers. With Anima AI, the possibilities for character creation are boundless, offering a seamless workflow for bringing characters to life in diverse mediums.
Photo by Google DeepMind
DeepFiction
DeepFiction is an intriguing free character AI tool that offers a range of innovative features to enhance character creation for various storytelling purposes.
Innovative Features:
DeepFiction stands out from other character AI tools due to its cutting-edge capabilities. One of the standout features is its ability to automate book printing, providing users with a seamless way to bring their characters to life in physical form. Additionally, DeepFiction offers VR story experiences, allowing creators to immerse themselves in their characters’ worlds and explore narratives in a whole new dimension. Another innovative feature is the conversational character bots, enabling interactions with characters in a dynamic and engaging manner. These features combine to elevate the character creation process and empower users to craft compelling and immersive stories effortlessly.
For more information about the innovative features of DeepFiction, visit their official website.
Limitations:
While DeepFiction excels in providing advanced features for character AI creation, users may encounter certain limitations or challenges when utilizing the tool. One potential limitation is the learning curve associated with leveraging the full range of features effectively. Users may need time to familiarize themselves with all the functionalities DeepFiction offers, which could require additional time investment upfront. Additionally, as with any AI tool, there may be occasional technical glitches or inconsistencies that users may experience, affecting the overall user experience. Despite these limitations, DeepFiction remains a powerful platform for character AI creation, offering unique and valuable tools for storytellers and content creators.
To explore pricing and more details about DeepFiction AI, check out their profile on Capterra.
DeepFiction’s commitment to innovation and creativity makes it a compelling choice for those seeking to enhance their storytelling capabilities through AI-driven character creation tools.
StoryMate
StoryMate offers excellent features that cater to seamless collaboration among creators, streamlining character development projects.
Ease of Collaboration
StoryMate simplifies the collaborative process by providing tools that allow creators to work together efficiently. With StoryMate, creators can easily share ideas, exchange feedback, and collectively work on character development, enhancing the overall project coherence. The platform’s user-friendly interface fosters a cohesive environment where creators can brainstorm, plan, and execute ideas collaboratively, ensuring a holistic approach to character AI creation.
Photo by Dio Hasbi Saniskoro
Customization Capabilities
StoryMate empowers users with a wide range of customization options to tailor character AI outputs according to specific project requirements. Creators can adjust various parameters such as tone, personality traits, and speech patterns to create unique and engaging characters. The platform’s intuitive customization tools enable creators to fine-tune every aspect of their characters, ensuring a personalized touch in the AI-generated content. By offering extensive customization capabilities, StoryMate allows creators to unleash their creativity and bring their envisioned characters to life with precision.
Conclusion
Exploring the top free Character AI alternatives opens a world of possibilities for enhancing your character creation process without any financial burden. Each alternative offers unique features, from conversational depth to sophisticated personality crafting. Leveraging these tools can significantly enhance your creative projects, whether you’re a writer, game developer, or a hobbyist.
Experimenting with different options can help you discover which tool aligns best with your specific needs, ultimately enriching your storytelling and project development. Dive in, explore these resources, and enhance your characters like never before.

I wrote mini reviews of each arc here, but because there are so damn many arcs, this ended up being a wall of text, despite me trying to keep them short. Feel free to skim or read only what interests you!
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The episodic nature of Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla means that its narrative is split into chunks. These chunks take place across the many shires of medieval England and vary in terms of length, depth and, well, pointlessness. I thought ranking them would be a fun exercise — a competition of story arcs, all vying for best Viking mini-narrative.
It goes without saying, but I’m about to spoil the whole damn game, so read at your own risk.
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21. Wincestre
Wincestre is just another Lunden or Jorvik, accept with more Jesus, more King Aelfred and way less… anything worthwhile. This one was just a total nothing-burger of an experience. The fact that it comes so late in the narrative really hurts it, too, because by now you’ve experienced arcs that are a similar traditional Assassin’s Creed city-style that at least aren’t this bad. Aelfred’s turning on Eivor at the end also didn’t feel coherent, convincing or warranted to me. Big miss.
20. Lunden
The smaller, denser cities with multiple targets to track down and ‘social stealth’ options are certainly here to attempt to replicate the traditional AC experience, but Lunden fails to do so meaningfully, and even gets a huge points deduction for being misleading.
The arc is set up to feature twists with Stowe and Ercke (is one a traitor? Will your romancing of Stowe make things complicated?), but after their initial scenes they’re mitigated to what I would hardly even call side characters as Eivor unveils three randos as Order members, kills them and then leaves town. At least there was a cool boss sequence on the river?
19. Snotinghamscire
This arc sees you reunite with Hemmingr Jarl, his son Villi and his compatriot, Trygve. Eivor has an existing relationship with these characters, but the player doesn’t. As a result, nothing that happens with them lands meaningfully.
After Hemmingr passes, this arc boils down to running dull errands to prepare for the burial ceremony. Eivor chooses whether Villi or Trygve will succeed Hemmingr in the end, but the decision is very clear-cut and suggested to the player, lacking the nuance of the game’s other difficult decisions. This arc isn’t memorable, doesn’t concern the main quest, and feels like fluffy filler in the worst way.
18. Jorvik
Another version of the Lunden & Wincestre arcs, Jorvik is stronger than its competitors for presenting the Order members to your face before you deduce who they are. There was nothing shocking about their reveals, but each provided an interesting set piece to navigate during assassinations.
Problematically, the arc sets itself up for Eivor to accuse a traitor, only for her decision to not matter at all. You never get to act on your accusation at Yuletide — the Order member interrupts and attacks the feast no matter who you accuse.
17. Cent
The Cent arc sees Eivor team with Basim to track Fulke. It feels important and part of the main story, but it’s all for naught in the end — you come face-to-face with Fulke in what seems like a meaningful story moment, only for her to run away. Your reward is finding out Sigurd had his arm cut off.
This arc earns some points for getting Fulke screen time and tiptoeing the tightrope of Eivor and Basim’s rocky relationship believably, but certainly can’t be called good. This is because once you pull back the veil, you realize you never advanced the plot and were running in circles for nothing the entire time. At least the other “filler” arcs were forthright about their (lack of) connection to the main story.
16. Jotunheim
This arc has a compelling story to it — Odin running from his fate and bending over backwards to flee from it is interesting, his broken relationship with Loki should be a strong point for the arc, and his moral gray areas (sleeping with a Jotunn, betraying Tyr) certainly make for a complex character’s development.
It has the ingredients of a strong arc, but I just couldn’t shake the why am I doing this feeling I had the entire time. Everything in between Odin’s big moments is a fetch quest and I just felt like I was wasting my life.
This one is weird because on paper it feels like there’s a lot of substance here, but ultimately, I felt nothing while playing it besides contempt for having drank the potion in Ravensthorpe again.
15. Lincolnscire
Heir to the throne Hunwald is exiled from Lincoln and reaches out to Ravensthorpe for help. Eivor tracks down his sickly and dying father and then must cast the deciding vote for whom the new Ealdorman will be after his death.
The game wastes your time with one of Hunwald’s competitors, Aelfgar, (who is a dork) and paints the bishop as evil pretty clearly (he turns out to be an Order member). I suppose this arc could hit hard for someone who accidently put an Order member in charge. For that and for Hunwald at least having a strong drive and personality, this arc earns some marks.
14. Essex
Eivor is brought in to repair a marriage by separating husband and wife naturally without a public divorce. She reunites Ealdorman Birstan with his former lover and sets up a fake public kidnapping to whisk away his wife, Estrid.
I think many would rate this arc far lower than I have here because it is pure side mission nonsense — but for me, this arc stands strong on the backs of convincing and fun characters in Birstan and Estrid, as well as the tangled web of relationships between the two of them, Birstan’s son, and Rollo, Estrid’s former lover.
13. Ledecestrescire
Ledecestre sees the intros of Ivarr, Ubba and Ceowulf. You team up with the sons of Ragnar to help put Ceowulf’s father on the throne in Mercia.
Ledecestrescire earns points for strong, realized characters in the Ragnarsons and Ceowulf, a believable conflict with the Mercian king, as well as the arc’s biggest moment with killing or sparing Leofrith in Tamworth.
12. Asgard
Asgard looks pretty and hits hard when you first arrive. I appreciate Ubi for creating places like Atlantis and Asgard to run around and explore in.
Unfortunately, both felt supremely empty. However, watching Odin fight tooth and nail to run from his fate was satisfying and Loki is aptly deceptive and frustrating. The Builder gave the arc a nice wrinkle, too and climaxed with a nice boss fight.
I spent too much time tracking down tears, but I think if you look at just the main missions here, this is a solid experience in an incredible environment.
11. East Anglia
In this arc, Eivor works alongside Oswald to fend off violent Dane aggressors and claim his leadership role.
Oswald is honorable and likeable — watching him teach the Danes in his court that bravery can reveal itself in more nuanced ways rather than physically was powerful, and giving Eivor the decision to allow Oswald to fight his own battles or fight for him solidified the feeling of fathering Oswald through this arc into manhood and leadership.
I bought into this arc because I felt the story was touching and meaningful and the cast was strong.
10. Vinland
Nothing really happens here aside from hunting down Gorm Kjotveson, but the arc earns major points for how refreshing it is.
I played it late in the story when I was feeling quite a bit of fatigue towards the game and everything about Vinland just landed for me, giving me new energy to actually enjoy what I was doing.
The new landscape is insanely gorgeous and fun to navigate. The stripping down of Eivor’s equipment essentially forces you to start from scratch — but it really makes the four stealth encounters stronger; you have to approach them differently due to being unarmed and unarmored.
The whole thing was a little bit of a reset button for the entire experience of Valhalla and it sorely needed it.
9. Suthsexe
Suthsexe is the meeting with Guthrum and the rising action leading up to defeating Fulke.
The arc is fun, feels impactful as well as meaningful and sees you reunite with all the old friends you’ve made up to this point. Fighting alongside Soma and others was a big positive for me. Storming Fulke’s fort at least included some different mechanics than many forts up to this point, so it felt fresh. Her boss fight in the darkness of the crypts was exceptional, as was her confession sequence.
This arc was mostly good, satisfying fun the whole way through, but didn’t include too much intrigue as the ones ranked above it did.
8. Rygjafylke
Look, I’ll be honest. I’m writing this particular paragraph after completing the game and this opening section was so long ago that I don’t have a great memory of it.
What I do know is that Valhalla opened strongly. I found it all pretty compelling. I remember it being atmospheric, believable and driven by strong characters like Sigurd, Varin, Haytham, Basim and Kyotve. I was bought-in very early and Rygjafylke really got the game off to a strong start.
7. Hamtunscire & Epilogue
Aelfred screen time is a good thing, and this arc earns marks for his badassery in the face of Guthrum, as well as his manipulation of the Dane army. Ally deaths in the battle at Chepeham give the arc meaningful stakes and ratchet up the tension. This arc is brief and straightforward — there’s not much story to it since it’s really just war throughout the whole thing.
Afterwards, Eivor tracks down the final member of the Order and confronts him in a touching sequence over some burnt bread in a small swampy town in the middle of nowhere. It’s a humble conclusion for Aelfred and the swirling epic that was AC: Valhalla.
6. Hordafylke
The return to Norway contains two things: Eivor & Sigurd finding closure with Sigurd’s father, and the two locating “Yggdrasil.”
I quite enjoyed the pit stop with Sigurd’s father, and the entire Yggdrasil sequence was incredibly interesting. It was a refreshing change of pace from what you’ve been doing for the past 100 hours and featured a nice boss fight at the end. No matter which ending you get, the conversation with Sigurd after the dust settles is impactful and weighty.
5. Oxenefordscire
Finally reunited with Sigurd, this is the arc we learn of his obsession with his ancestry and true nature. Eivor’s reaction of discomfort and distrust towards Sigurd’s change is honest and relatable and she must juggle relations between Sigurd and the Thane they are working to put in charge, Gaedric.
Negotiations with King Aelfred are complex and a late intervention from Fulke reveals her true allegiance to the Order and puts Sigurd in enemy hands.
This arc moves the plot along moreso than the last 400 hours you’ve been playing the game, while also establishing and reinterpreting Eivor’s relations with the cast in meaningful ways. It ratchets up the tension of the main quest and narrative, which up to this point had been lagging behind due to a breadth of shire arcs.
4. Glowecestrecire
I’m so surprised to see myself rank this so high — after the first third of the arc, I was considering putting it in dead last. I felt Gunnar’s fiancé’s unintelligible dialogue, the trick-or-treating, the druid encounter, and Eivor’s 400th drunken night of debauchery to be a disrespectful waste of my time this deep (over 80 hours) into the game.
But then the arc turned, with two solid stealth encounters and a stellar boss fight. Navigating the Aelfwood was a gorgeous thrill and the confrontation with Modran is atmospheric and a fantastically fresh take on the typical Valhalla boss or mini boss fight.
When I decided to focus-up on the story and let the Celtic and Welsh mythos shine, the arc became a terrestrial fever dream of satisfying magic, intrigue and character interactions.
3. Grantebridgescire
Eivor looks to ally with Soma, the leader of Grantebridge, but her town’s just been sacked from the inside by a traitor. After saving her three companions in the thick river bogs, you take back Grantebridge and then embark on an investigation to discover the rat.
Its the investigation that makes the whole arc. It has a slew of clues, nuance and red herrings to consider. One of its strengths is how open ended the investigation is — you can follow the quest markers, but talking to the town’s people and hunting down the yellow-painted ship is up to you (at least I think, I played on the most ‘difficult’ exploration setting).
This arc earns big points because the investigation matters — you have to tell Soma to kill one of her closest friends and then watch her do it, living with your right or wrong decision.
2. Eurvicscire
Finally meeting the third of the famed Ragnarson’s, Eivor finds Halfdan a paranoid soul, waxing poetic about friendship and treason. The arc balances the two on a blade’s edge to tremendous effect.
Halfdan believes he has a traitor in his midst and the main culprit is his right-hand man, Faravid.
Faravid's dialogue is expertly written to feign allegiance to Halfdan, but never reveal too much of his true nature. Eivor’s wavering relationship and trust with him are complex and the Wolf-Kissed can lie to both him and Halfdan depending on dialogue choice. Every decision feels like it carries weight. It’s this ambiguity that makes the arc compelling and gives the decisions importance.
This arc could feel disconnected (it’s not part of the main plot and Halfdan doesn’t appear in the late game, no matter your decision) and thus appear as pointless fluff, but I won’t fault it for that. As a self-contained story, this was flat-out interesting and kept me in anticipation of the next reveal or twist. Imagery and foreshadowing, red-herrings, and great atmosphere all make for an engaging and compelling experience. I only wish every shire arc could’ve reached these heights.
1. Sciropscire
Sciropescire’s strengths come somewhat from the arcs that came before it, as it sees Eivor quickly reunited and working with Ivarr and Ceowulf. Your preexisting relationship with both gives this arc an advantage over others where it doesn’t have to establish too much all at once, as well as it starting off with you already having a personal connection of some sort with the main cast. Still, each set piece here is strong enough on its own –

1. Eivor & co. join to negotiate peace with King Rhodri. She can offer 600 silver to whomever she chooses to try and quell the peace talks. Each option is mired in obscurity, has obvious pros and cons, and plenty of uncertainty. It felt impactful, difficult and nuanced.
2. After peace talks go sour with Ivarr’s outburst, Eivor, Ivarr and Ceowulf sack a village under Rhodri’s control. It’s brutal and takes a long time to burn (on purpose!). You then fight a huge party of Rhodri’s men. The whole scene feels vile, over the top and harsh (on purpose!).
3. The twist is that Ivarr kills Ceowulf in cold blood to earn himself the opportunity to get his own revenge on Rhodri — only revealed after you sack Rhodri’s fort (after reaching peace with him). A brutal blood eagle from Ivarr and the game’s best boss fight ensue.

It’s close between the top 3, but this is the best arc in the game, for me.
For once, the game forces you to face the trail of bloodshed and destruction your ‘pacifying’ of England has left in your wake. Additionally, the ambiguous decision-making process in negotiating peace, the brutal village burning sequence, the tangled web of Ivarr’s relationships and motivations, the twists of the peaceful alliance and Rhodri’s fate, and finally, the Ivarr boss fight are just too good all in tandem to not take first place.
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I’m conflicted looking back on these.
There’s many that feel even more empty than I remember them being now that I draft them as text. However, a surprising number of highly-rated arcs aren’t actually part of the main quest.
Ultimately, I’m left bewildered at the scale and scope of the epic that this game took me on. I was so fatigued by the end of it, but in hindsight so happy I completed it.

"Italy had the highest number with 684 passenger cars per 1 000 inhabitants and it was followed by Luxembourg (678), Finland (661), and Cyprus (658). Meanwhile, Latvia had the lowest rate with 414 passenger cars per 1 000 inhabitants, followed by Romania (417), and Hungary (424)."
Source: https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/web/products-eurostat-news/w/ddn-20240117-1
While motorization rate says a lot it's not the whole story, it doesn't show how much the car is used inside cities. And even there you see how much predominant cars are in daily life. Modal share of cars is always above 60% inside cities, even those with high bike usage. Cities in Austria and Germany average 30-40%.
What are you thoughts on why this is, also who visited the country?
Italians are car slaves like the US with a very different GDP. These are my thoughts.

1. car culture was brought into politics, and being very inefficient and unstable never actually cared to make national plans to increase sustainable modal shares
2. local administrations don't limit car parking enough even in walkable and cycling friendly cities, there's still the idea that parking is a "right"
3. 2. leads to a lot of illegal parking (cause the space is not enough) and those are tolerated by everyone, both citizens and local police
4. lack of transit networks, seen as "for the poor", Italy has the lowest rate of subways and trams density, they "invested" all into buses which are usually stuck in car traffic and with a limited service, usually for those unfortunate to not have a car (lower income people and students)
5. outside the city centers (the LTZs) urban quality is generally very poor, anti-pedestrians and anti-cyclists, places you're not really invited to be in, just to pass by (with a car)
6. cycling infrastructure is simply ridiculous, even those cities that have pretty decent high cycling share are poorly maintained, shared with pedestrians, are not linked together or end when it's actually needed (always based on the idea that cars are more important and you should not disturb them), the only expectations are maybe cities in South Tyrol like Bozen/Bolzano.
7. the current Minister of Transportation is about to make things worse: he proposed a law where speed checkers will not longer will be legal inside cities within 50km/h and suburban roads within 90km/h, which is basically 95% of the roads, limit the autonomy of local administration to build bike lanes and pedestrians area and much more. A direct attack to livable cities policies. The same minister also sued to the city of Bologna for now being a 30km/h city (using the safety guidelines he signed years before, yeah...) check this short https://www.youtube.com/shorts/ETrxEpUymKM

Long story short, was out of the Public world for a while and have come back and I’m looking to either be partner at a regional firm or buy my own firm (either remote or small physical local).
I really want to advance my skill set as much as possible this summer before I’m out on my own or to improve my image/candidacy for partner.
I’m very strong on controlleCFO work. I’m solid on sales/operations. I want more knowledge on the tax side. I’ve done lots of simple individual and business returns, but want to learn more nuanced things.
Anything related to things like basis, R&D, leases, tax/retirement planning, tax/book differences. Anything higher level I can leverage with clients. I do CPE stuff but I’m more interested in classes or videos I can follow along on YouTube or something similar, I’ve just had difficulty finding good quality resources. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Set between the end and the imminent post-war Godzilla represented the horrors of this. A war that persists, the catastrophes it entails are alive among the people. There are many beautiful images of destroyed Tokyo and its progressive reconstruction, moving forward, trying to start again but the protagonist Koichi is unable to do so because he lives with ghosts and torments, he has not fulfilled his """"duty"""" of kamikaze, he fled, just as he hesitates and trembles before the first appearance of Godzilla. The human sector is one of the film's strong points, especially because in films of this type it is often its weak point, the war has never ended for Koichi so he is unable to fully enjoy the opportunity of a new life with Noriko to little Akiku. These dynamics could perhaps have been more in-depth, Koichi's internal torment is often told more, however nothing serious especially for a film of this type. There is a lot of Spielberg in Yamazaki's direction, Godzilla's first appearance is reminiscent of Jurassic Park, subjectively I would have liked more construction in Big G's appearance but the effect is to show him directly; in the end the references to Jaws are evident. The destruction of Tokyo by Godzilla works very well with well-constructed dynamics and shots, the one of the train very good as well as the preparation and launch of the kaiju's atomic ray with the subsequent effects. For the budget available the work is very good, the performance of Godzilla is exemplary, the military vehicles may not have a not so perfect performance but never anything so bad for the eyes, the work on the effects is in fact very spot on. As in Honda's film, in Minus One Godzilla embodies desperation and his attacks are aimed at signs of human progress, both technological and lifestyle, such as the iconic train, the theater and the radio station. However, the kaiju will have no qualms about destroying everything. In the mythology not only of Godzillian but also of Japanese, water is very important and it is from here that everything is born, the film in fact begins with water and the color blue is almost always present, the photography always inserts objects or elements that recall the aquatic color even in the interiors of houses and exteriors. Even moments of rain are therefore significant. The destruction of Tokyo and the resulting effects, which are very human and personal for the protagonist, just when he had just laid himself bare with Noriko, therefore perhaps accepting to really live, is the turning point towards a personal revenge against the kaiju. Even though Koichi and Noriko are ashamed of it, they are two survivors of the war, the film emphasizes how orders from above cause death, planes without the possibility of evacuation, kamikazes, war is something imposed from above , by governments. Minus One, unlike many other films about Godzilla, does not show the government's choices in the foreground, the citizens suffer them, the anti-Godzilla cry is in fact a free voluntary action of the population. The logic of dying for the country is rejected but instead one must live and survive to build the future. Therefore the point of view of the story is framed by Koichi and the citizens who have recently seen the war and relive those horrors through Godzilla, there are no torments of Yamane or Serizawa from Honda's film, no one questions whether Godzilla could be studied, there isn't even a scientific etymology of the kaiju, the population is interested in moving forward and the volunteers want to kill the monster for this. The film is very square and also linear, so in the ending, instead of aiming for presumed twists, it would have been better to focus on Koichi's character, involving the viewer in the moment of the definitive choice that completes his narrative arc. In fact, Koichi is dragged into an existence of war, the dream of a possible life with Noriko and Akiku opposed by his revenge and torments. Certainly with a bigger budget the ship sequence in the finale would have been more impactful, but Godzilla works great in the film, his moments are effective both in the destruction of Tokyo and in the sequences at sea. So even the clash at the end with the iconic soundtrack is very good. There is clearly a strong reference to Dunkirk both purely scenic but also for the spirit of free action of citizens, becoming volunteers, it is a film that focuses on the concept of spontaneous organization without the need for government bodies which instead brought death and war .Yamazaki, in addition to Spielberg, also mentions Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah from 2021, the director himself made it explicit, the underwater scenario and Koichi's action in the finale are examples. Most likely Minus One will be the progenitor for a new Japanese saga, I am very happy about it, in conclusion, the film has a well-described human aspect, yes, at times perhaps more told than experienced but in any case the drama is very present as is the destruction and the desperation that war brings, also represented by Godzilla himself; the kaiju works great, his presence is well exploited if in a Godzilla film, this works the film is spot on and successful. Beautiful.

So long story short I’ve been a smoker for probably 15 years. I got some Durban poison from a wonderful place up on cape cod Massachusetts and damn. I had never had such a purely positive experience, it was the cleanest, best high I’ve ever had. No negatives for me, and the main thing is that it gave me real focus. As an adhd guy, it just absolutely silences all that noise in your head, and it’s also amazing for socializing. If I could slam my hand down on the “only smoke Durban for the rest of my life button”, I’d do it in an instant.
Started researching and found it was the terpinolene that makes that strain stand out so I started lookin for it and yeah, it’s hard as fuck to find. Wanted to say that this sub at least let me Know I wasn’t crazy, it is a special terp with a very particular effect. Doing my best to learn the stains that can have it dominantly.
I find often that, when I find a strain that’s known for terp, I’ll read the label on the particular product and often it’s nowhere to be found, it’s all myrcene etc. that normal? I feel like some of the time it’s all BS lol
If anyone has good tips on understanding how best to know if you can expect to feel the terp sensation….I’d love to hear it.

We seem to have bad luck with family doctors. My family seems to have some hard to diagnose issues that are also not very well known. For example I have hypotonia and had EDS but was u diagnosed. Among other health issues.
The last family doctor we had didn’t even know how to write a doctors note, which is supposed to be the doctor writing briefly why you can’t work or whatever and signing it, she just wrote “dr. Note” on a piece of paper and gave it to my mom😭
This family doctor we have seems to not want to help my mom at all and will apparently confidently give misinformation to me and I guess doesn’t believe mental illness is a real thing. Plus he works like 2 days a week half days.
Long story short I had a pain in my collar bone, it was pretty minor and inconsistent so I didn’t think much of it, a week later it was still bugging be so I booked an appointment with my family doctor and he booked an appointment over the phone for a week later. We had the appointment the next week and he told me to go get an x ray, did that that day and turns out I had a hole in my lung. He called and said I should go to the er, did that and they said I should wait a week and get an appointment with the surgeon in a week to see if it heals on its own, and my family doctor booked an appointment in the middle of the week somewhere to do a physical exam. Went to my family doctor and he didn’t do any exam, and when I asked if the pain in my collar bone was caused by the hole in my lung he said no it had nothing to do with that and said I could go. When I asked the surgeon the same question he said yes the pain in my collar bone had everything to do with the hole as that’s exactly where the hole in my lung was.
He’s straight up told my mom that the issue she’s complaining about no one will try and fix and has stopped trying to help her with it. One simple google search says it can be fixed with surgery. But he said no one will do that for her.
But we can’t get a new family doctor because no one at all is taking new patients. It’s so annoying.

There have been an increasing number of juniors visiting this sub asking for advice about writing essays. Below are some tips and advice for making your essay stand out as excellent. Feel free to ask questions because I will answer every single question in the comments.
I know from experience that many of you are struggling to identify a good topic for your essay. Conventional wisdom says to start by brainstorming a list of potential topics, and chances are, you have already started a mental list of ideas. You might think you only have a few choices for topics, based on your activities or experiences, or essay examples you read, or the rough draft you already started (or worse, that GPT started...). I advise, however, that you put down your list of topics and back away from it. Forget that exists for a moment. Seriously - thinking about this initial list tethers you to certain ideas that might not actually be your best options.
Now you can begin brainstorming with a clean slate.
Start with thinking about what you want to show in your entire application, not just one essay. Every single component in your app has one purpose – to tell more about YOU. Filling out the rest of the application by rote and focusing solely on the essay is short-sighted and will leave so much potential untapped in your application.

It's About You. Tell Your Story - And Be The Protagonist

An admissions officer’s goal is to understand you fully, in the context of your background and the rest of the applicant pool. They will begin this with assessing your academic abilities and potential. Then they will evaluate how you will fit into the student body they’re trying to curate. All of this can be somewhat broad and diverse and touch on several institutional goals. But they will dig deep to find out what each applicant is like, what your core values and motivations are, what kind of student you will be, how you will contribute to the vibrant and intellectual campus community they’re building, etc.
Your goal with essay brainstorming is to ascertain how to powerfully tell your story in a manner that will fit these criteria. The entirety of your application (again, not just one essay) aims to showcase your abilities, qualifications, and uncommon attributes as a person in a positive way. Before you begin outlining or writing your application, you must determine what is unique about you that will stand out to an admissions panel. All students are truly unique. Not one other student has the same combination of life experiences, personality, passions, or goals as you do. Your job in your application is to frame your unique personal attributes in a positive and compelling way. How will you fit on campus? What personal qualities, strengths, core values, talents, or different perspectives do you bring to the table? What stories, deeper motivations/beliefs, or formative experiences can you use to illustrate all of this?
It is always helpful to start with some soul-searching or self-examination. You might not immediately know what you want to share about yourself. It’s not a simple task to decide how to summarize your whole life and being in a powerful and eloquent way on your application. Introspection prior to starting your application takes additional time and effort rather than jumping straight into your first draft. But it is also a valuable method to start writing a winning application that stands out from the stack.
You'll see the advice everywhere that all essay prompts are really about the same thing - you. The goal of each essay then is to showcase who you are, what matters to you, and how you think. I guarantee if you're on this sub enough, you'll hear the advice to "show, don't tell" when writing about yourself. But what does this mean really, and how do you do it well? How do you even get started on an essay that does this?

Introspection Questions

It’s often easiest to start thinking in terms of superlatives, especially those related to personal insights -- what are the most meaningful things about you, and what do you value the most? Here is a list of questions to help you brainstorm broadly before you narrow down your focus for writing:

• What are your interests?
  
• What sparks your curiosity?
  
• About what topics do you enjoy reading?
  
• With whom do you enjoy spending time? Who has impacted your life the most?
  
• Reflect upon “superlatives” in your life. What moments were most memorable, formative, enlightening, enjoyable, or valuable? What physical possessions, experiences, dreams, or lessons could make your superlatives list?
  
• Stop and think about what things, people, or circumstances in your life are really unique, fascinating, or outlandish. Are there any that really have a lot of "cultural flavor" (whatever your culture is)?
  

I have a free introspection worksheet with over 100 questions like this designed to help you find ideas worth exploring in your essays. You can find it on the A2C Discord or download it directly here.

Find Your Story And Arc

Think of a small anecdote or story from your life that you could share that serves as a microcosm of who you are and what is important to you. It will massively help you narrow this down and find a gem of a story if you first start by thinking about your application arc or theme. This is the one-phrase summary of your entire application. It could be "brilliant entrepreneur who started her own successful business" or "talented athlete who wants to study economics and finance as they pertain to sports", or even "avid baker whose hobby sparked an interest in chemistry". It doesn't have to be related to your intended major, but it can help your arc be stronger and clearer if it is.
Once you have an arc determined and a story to share, think about what you want that story to say about you. This is where it can help to think of this as something you would share on a date - what impression does it make about you to the reader? Once you know this, start showing, not telling this attribute of yourself through your story. For example, instead of saying that you're compassionate toward others, you show an example of a time you were compassionate, then elaborate on why, and what it means to you.

Essay Brainstorming Techniques

If you are having trouble finding a story, or simply have writer’s block once you have picked your topic, here are some ideas to get your juices flowing:

• Stream of consciousness writing -- Start writing whatever is in your head, and don’t stop for 30 minutes. You probably won’t use what you just wrote for your essay, but it will help you find a starting point.
  
• Journaling -- Answer the prompt as if you were writing in a journal. This will get you in the habit of writing about yourself and establish comfort with the concept. It will also take you to a new level of introspection and self-awareness.
  
• Twitter X style -- Write several rapid-fire responses to the prompt in 280 characters or less. Choose an idea from these responses to expound upon in your essay.
  
• Read each essay prompt, then go through your introspection worksheet responses and connect the stories and insights to one or more of the prompts. Some students like using color coding to visually see how their different ideas might work together.
  

Why Essays Matter

Here's the thing a lot of people don't realize about college admission: it's not an award for being the smartest, most accomplished, or most impressive. It's an invitation to join a community. Far too many students think that if they can just show that they're smart enough, they'll get in. Yale even says right on their admissions website that 75% of their applicants are academically qualified to succeed at Yale. But only ~4% are getting in. That should tell you that they're looking for more than just top tier test scores and grades. To be perfectly clear, you will need top tier grades and (optionally) test scores to show that you're qualified, and the vast majority of my students come to me with this part already in the bank. But what sets the admits apart? It's personal insight - sharing who you are, how you think, what matters to you, and how you engage community. You can't just say "/IAmVerySmart, please admit me," or even "I did a cool thing guys! Isn't that neat!" You need to go deeper and show them your core values, personal strengths, motivations, aspirations, character traits, foundational beliefs, personality, etc. And you need to do it in a charming, winsome way that makes them like you and want to invite you to join their community.
So how do I get students to do this? All of my students complete that introspection worksheet. We go through it and find the stories, examples, anecdotes, conversations, memories, relationships, and other things from their life that will help us craft a strong and personally insightful narrative. We also make lists of the values, strengths, and key personal qualities we want to showcase. Once we have some topics, outlines, abstracts, or rough drafts, we talk about which stories to tell where, how to tell them well, and what details to include to present the best they have to offer. Then we refine, edit, polish, and enhance over and over until the story sings, but more importantly shows their heart and soul. We also go through all the other application components to ensure consistency, quality, and distinctiveness.
Here's why this works so well: at most highly selective colleges there is a primary reader (or 2-3) who will review everything first and then present it to the admissions committee, who then votes on whether to admit you. That presentation typically goes one of three ways:

1. Total enthusiasm, energy, and excitement. They strongly advocate for admission and paint a clear picture of how you will contribute to their goals and community. Everyone in the room picks up on that energy and is leaning forward in their chairs, looking for reasons to admit you. This is quite rare, generally less than 5 out of every 100 applications, even among those which are "fully qualified." When you do this right, you show depth, meaning, and valuable personal insights so the reviewer is learning about who you are and how you might engage the community they're curating. You come alive off the page as a person, not just another file.
   
2. Business as usual. You're another great applicant in a pile of great applicants. They share a basic review of the facts, your profile, stats, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Maybe someone on the committee finds something they love, and they really push for admission. More likely, not and you get deferred/waitlisted even though there wasn't anything "wrong" with your application. They just didn't love you enough to commit.
   
3. "Here's a stack of 20 applications that I didn't find all that compelling, so we won't present them individually, but you guys are the committee and you make the decisions. So let me know if there are any you want to talk about." In this case, unless there's a letter of endorsement from an athletics coach or your last name matches several buildings on campus, you're probably not getting additional consideration, much less admission. They will regret to inform you.
   

Everything we're doing is designed to help them get to know themselves, present the best they have to offer, and land in that first group. Having top tier essays is the single best way to get there. Get started on brainstorming in the next few weeks so you'll have time to get a few essays completed over the summer.

I’ve always been really into ghost stories, or urban legends in general. The White Lady, haunted dolls, vampires, black eyed children, that kind of stuff. I know that, today, people my age aren’t big fans of that kind of horror anymore, preferring it things like the Backrooms, analog horror, all the new kinds of scary media. Honestly, I get it, things do need to evolve, and when we see everything that’s happening in the world, it’s understandable that a good old ghost story don’t do the job anymore.

Still, the “old fashioned” horror (it’s not that old, but things move fast on the internet) is always my jam. I grew up watching youtubers investigating haunted places, ghost hunting, with all their accessories, EMF meters, their little radio thing that they use to listen to radio frequencies so that they can hear any interference, their antenna that beeps when something approaches it, voice recorders, special flashlights, and let me tell you that all this, it was doing it for me.

So, since my, probably 7 years, I dreamt of doing these things myself. Of course, I tried everything a young boy is able to do, like Ouija or stupidly walking around my house with my phone filming, hoping that some random deceased person with unfinished business will show up to, I don’t know, have a chat. I wish I could say that other people’s judgement doesn’t affect me, but that would be a lie, so, going in to high school, I had to socially tone down my interest for those things in order to have friends. None of my friends and classmates knew about my persisting passion for ghosts and creepy stories.

I realize that keeping this such a secret is a bit ridiculous, especially approaching my 18^th birthday, but, you know, it would be even weirder to reveal it after hiding it for almost 6 years like it was something super taboo. So here I was, I started hiding my passion at 12 to avoid other’s judging it, and I’m now still hiding it at 17 to avoid others judging the fact that I hid it… A bit pathetic I got to admit.

Anyway, everything started a few days ago. I have an art history class at school and the teacher really likes to give us big works of research. This time, he had a new idea, the whole class will be divided into groups of two, and each group will receive a building from our city that the teacher had choose for his architectural and artistic interests, and we’ll have to give it a visit and write an analysis on the different things we’ll notice and link it to what we saw in class. Since all the buildings were not public places, he had asked the authorization of every property’s owner.

Honestly, this could have been worse. This actually sounded kinda cool to do. Now, what I was concerned about was who will be my partner. Obviously, I was hoping for one of my friends. After explaining the rules and exact instructions for the work, he started to announce the groups. I was waiting to hear my name, anxious, as all my friends were slowly starting to be put into their groups.

“Joshua!” The teacher said (yeah that’s my name). “You will be with…” I was holding on to my chair. “… Elizabeth!”

I turned to Elizabeth, and we looked at each other. Neither one of us seemed excited. It wasn’t a terrible pair, I thought to myself, I just didn’t know what to think of it exactly. Elizabeth was a pretty popular girl, not that I was an outcast or anything, but she was still way more popular than me. I didn’t know much more about her, despite the fact that we were in the same class since my first year of high school, but it looked like she was going to be an okay partner.

The teacher then gave us our building. I won’t reveal the real name of what he gave us so I’ll call it “Guaraldi’s Street 22”. Apparently, it was a pretty old house that had somewhat of an historic value to it. The teacher gave us some information so we wouldn’t stumble there without any prior knowledge. The owner was an old woman who had always lived there. She was apparently very glad to open her doors to young students and was ready to answer any questions we could have. He warned us that she had a weak audition and that we would have to speak loudly. The teacher then recommended us to do a little bit of research before going there, so we could already have some idea of where we were entering.

I then found myself in front of Elizabeth. I think the last time we even talked to each other was months ago when she was distributing a test to the class and that I said “Thanks”, so, yeah, not a lot of background. I noticed, and I don’t know why it took me so long, I guess I never paid much attention to her, that she was dressed in kind of an old style, she wore some clearly used dungarees. The date the teacher had scheduled for our visit was on Sunday, and we were Thursday.

“So, hum, I guess, we can both do research on our side, and we’ll meet, maybe at lunch break tomorrow to get on the same page. Is that good for you?” She asked me.

“Yeah, that’s good, we can do that.”

“Okay, then, see you tomorrow.” She said.

“See you.”

On that she turned her feet and left for her break. The rest of the day went by and I got back home. As usual, my mom wasn’t there, she often has to work late as she’s a single mom to me and my little sister Rosa. I ate my diner and went to my room. I opened my computer to start my research. It wasn’t hard to find information, even though things were repeating themselves a lot: “so much historical meaning for the city”, “a perfect example of “art-deco” architecture”, “a house filled with stories”. There was a lot of talk by local medias about it, but not much actual facts.

It was so weak, that I had to go to page 2 of the search results on google, or, as I like to call them, “the abyss of the internet” (I’m exaggerating a bit, but it’s not often that you have to go there).
Then, something caught my eyes. It was a forum about paranormal experiences, and the address was mentioned on a post. I immediately clicked on it and read the whole thing. It wasn’t exactly the most thrilling story I’ve read, but here’s what it basically said.

Apparently, the owner opened the house as a cottage during the summer, and the person posting was narrating what he experienced during his passage there. He described a very special and kinda suffocating vibe that was apparently all around the house, and the feeling of being observed all the time. He also talked about hearing voices at random moments. They were brief but often mentioned his name. The end of his testimony talked about his last night, when he said he saw a little child with no facial expression in front of his bed, who slowly started to climb into it and grabbed his legs, trying to pull him outside of his bed. The poster said he eventually succeeded to push the kid away, despite his unreal strength, and that the boy ended up running out of the room, laughing. When he spoke to the owner about it the next morning, she said that it must have been his imagination playing tricks on him, as she didn’t believe in paranormal and that nothing similar ever happened to her.

This wasn’t much, it could have been a complete lie, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t peak my curiosity. The story was as basic as it could be, but it was so specific for it to happen in that place, which was absolutely not famous, and even less for any paranormal events. I kept that in the back of my mind and continued my research, but I didn’t find much more, so I went to sleep.

As I was lying in my bed, I was thinking. What if the person who posted his story said the truth. This was the first time I was going to enter somewhere that old and charged with history, this could be the perfect place for my first ghost-hunt. But of course, I was going for school and won’t be alone, plus, it’s not really respectful to the owner, who kindly opened the doors of her family house to us. And even if I wanted to, I’d be constantly with Elizabeth, so, it was not really an option. I looked at the EMF meter I received for a birthday on my shelf and thought to myself that this would be for another time.

The next day, as planned, I met with Elizabeth at lunch break. We started to share the results of our research, where I did not include the post from the forum for obvious reasons. We talked a bit before coming to a clear conclusion.

“Yeah, the thing is, we have the same exact stuff, there isn’t much interesting infos to be found online, except very surface level stuff.” She said.

“Yes, I think we should prepare the questions we want to ask the owner instead.” I answered.

“You’re right, do you think you can have yours for Sunday?”

“Yeah, no problem.”

We exchanged a bit more and eventually went back to class.

On Saturday, I prepared a few questions to ask the owner.

Then came today, Sunday. The meeting was planned at 11AM. I woke up normally, took a breakfast, got dressed, everything. Before leaving my room, I took one last look at the room and I saw my EMF meter. It was like he was begging me to take him. I grabbed it and left. I didn’t know if I would actually use it, but I had it. It had an option where instead of lighting the small lamps he was vibrating, so I activated that and put it in my pocket.

I arrived at the house and Elizabeth was already waiting for me. We knocked and we could hear the owner walking towards the door saying “Yes, yes, just a second.” She opened and she looked like the sweetest thing ever. She was short and had a naturally kind face. We could see that she was clearly dressed and make up for the occasion. She welcomed us and let us in happily. The hallway was very pretty, I understood why our teacher got us this house, it was indeed very interesting. The walls were covered with paintings and old pictures, mostly portraits. On everyone of these, the people had a very serious look, but that’s not unusual for old pictures.

We walked to the living room where she served us tea and we sat together.

“So, I think you have some questions for me?” She asked. You could see that she was very glad to talk. “Don’t be shy, I’m open.”

Elizabeth started to ask her first question then I did, and we could ask her everything.

The house was her family’s for many generations, but it hadn’t always been theirs. All the persons in the hallway, paintings or pictures, were previous habitants of the house, and they went as far as the 15th century, so, yeah, it was all pretty old. She said they could only know the identity of some of the first generations but that a lot of the people were non identified. She answered a lot of other questions regarding the architectural and artistic heritage of the building, and she was surprisingly very interesting to listen to. Her enthusiasm and kindness were contagious, and we both couldn’t help but ask more questions.

Eventually, we arrived to the end of our list, and it was time for us to visit, take notes, analyze, all that. She asked us not to touch anything, as a lot of things had a lot of value, but let us wander free in the house. She said she’ll be making cookies for when we’ll be done. Elizabeth and I found ourselves alone in the living room and finished our tea.

“God,… She’s adorable.” Said Elizabeth with a smile.

“Yes, she’s so sweet, I wasn’t expecting that.” I said.

“Let’s, maybe start with there.” She said, pointing to the room besides us.

We got up and entered it. The walls were covered by huge bookshelves. Elizabeth started to take notes, looking at the room, and I started inspecting the books. There was probably a more than a thousand books, and some of them looked super old. I read the titles of some of them, and the least I could say was that it needed to be rearranged. “Cooking Asian Food”, “Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince”, some old book with the title erased, and even a CD in the middle, it was a bit random.

We eventually moved on to the hallway. It was a bit oppressing with all those eyes who seemed to observe us. Elizabeth did mention how it felt a bit weird and we started to take notes again. At some point, my look stopped on one painting at the back of the hall. It was a young lady, dressed classically, maybe a bit poorly even, for someone who would have lived there. She was kinda pretty, if I’m being honest. But the reason why it caught my eyes was that it was the only one who was smiling. All the other people represented looked dead serious, but her, she smiled. A sweet, even caring and warm smile. I noticed that it seemed like she was staring at me. Of course, a lot of paintings give that same impression, but it was more intense on her.

My heart skipped a beat. I was sure that I just saw her winked to me. I let out a gasp. I was convinced she winked at me. The vibe went from slightly oppressive to extremely heavy. Then we both heard it.

“Elizabeth.”

An unrecognizable voice had just whispered. Elizabeth turned to me.

“Did you say that?” She asked.

“Elizabeth.”

A younger voice this time. We were facing each other, so we knew it couldn’t be one of us this time, and the owner was in the kitchen. Elizabeth’s eyes opened wide and she slowly walked towards me.

“Elizabeth.”

She jumped.

“WHAT THE… fuck?” I let out. We were looking around us.

“Joshua, I don’t like this…”

“Yeah, me neither.”

We were frozen in place, with all the paintings looking right to us.

“Elizabeth.”

That time it was a deep voice, and it came from behind us. We turned. Slowly, all the faces of the paintings and pictures started to clearly move. They were opening their eyes wide and opening their mouths, maintaining their serious, and now even melancholic look.

“Holy shit, holy shit, what the fuck is that, what is it!” Elizabeth was mumbling, panicking as I was starting to breathe faster.

All the people started to say her name together on repeat: “Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth…” I turned my head to the painting of the young lady from earlier, and she was the only one that wasn’t moving, still the same smile, she looked at peace.

I don’t remember exactly what I was whispering at that moment, but we were both freaking out.

We heard some scratching noise. Long, dirty hands with sharp nails, almost inhumans, were piercing the pictures and paintings. The eyes of the people were becoming all black, and their jaws were opening more than humanly possible as they kept on repeating her name. The hands were all getting closer from us. We were now touching one another, completely surrounded by those hands. Then, they moved way faster and a lot of them got their nails right into Elizabeth’s skin and pierced it while descending all over her body.

She screamed loudly out of pain. It was a terrifying scream. All the hands got to their pictures and back inside of it while closing what they pierced. Soon, the pictures and paintings were back to normal, but Elizabeth was bleeding from all over her body and was on the floor, crying. I got to her level and tried as much as possible to reassure her, but I wasn’t very effective as I was myself in shock and terrified.
We heard the owner walk towards us.

“What’s happening to you two? I heard screams, are you okay?”

She entered the hallway and saw the scene. She looked completely shocked.

“But what happened?” She asked.

Both of us were unable to answer to her, we had no idea what to say that wouldn’t make us sound crazy, so we just looked at her with whatever faces we were making at that moment. She didn’t wait long and went to take a first aid kid. She sat down and put some bandages all over Elizabeth, as I was reflecting on what happened. When she was done, we both wanted to leave, so we said that we had what we needed for now. She looked sorry and packed some cookies for each of us. As we opened the door to leave, she articulated one last phrase.

“I hope you’ll come back.” She had a look and a tone of sadness. We got out and were now on the street.

We both looked at each other. She was covered in bands, like she got into a huge fight. I started to speak but she lifted her hand.

“Not today. Another one.” She said. “I’ll see you at school.” And she left.

I got on my way too and gave one last look to the house. The old owner was watching me from her window, and I couldn’t tell what her expression was.

I was too tired so I ignored it and went back to my house.

I’m posting this now that I’m back at home. I have no news of Elizabeth, but she did add me on Instagram, so…

I have no idea what I should do now, I have so many questions, so, if anyone has any theories, I’ll take it. I’m also open to questions of course…

Brother me and my girlfriend started dating in 2015 both 15 , we moved in together at 21- as of now basically almost 24* (im 23 shes 24 , a couple months older) , she had her own dark world and toxic household and so did i. Difference is i had a complete “family” , she was raised by her mother who treated her indifferent because she is her dads twin. She gave the most purest and sweetest love . It even gives me chills to write about it. She surprised me countless times , validated my feelings , took care of me more than own mother did bro. She put her ass on the line for me whenever and vice versa. We traveled to her country mu country and countless other places at a young age all alone . Im gonna be honest i cheated by grabbing another girls ass in 2018 and a year later in 2019 the girl from hs called her to tell her and she waited for me in my house but i was such a coward i kept denying and denying even though she knew exactly what had went on. Fast forward in 2021 shit got so rough my family always hated her for no reason (jealousy is a real thing bro) and so much happened. And imma be honest in 2022 i was taking care of her since we moved in together but 2022 i told her quit her job around early January February i told her i got us cause i found a job paying great so why not? That was my baby you know? So that year i went to a whorehouse with this dumbass loser i was working with and i fell for the temptation. Mind you this was a bad year for her she gained weight up to 260 and her family (mom and sister) they always treated her like shit and always was jealous of even me getting her stuff and just loving her and supporting her. Im not gonna lie yes i cheated and she found out about it the same day cause i fell asleep and went through my phone. My dumbass recorded a voice note that those whores can’t even give oral correctly they use all teeth , so when she found out that was a dealbreaker. Bro i destroyed her with that and i know i fucked up so bad this chick had a hot meal from scratch ready for me every single day after work.
Anyways fast forward to 2023, she told me when i get a job i got you and everything you ever did. She got the gastric sleeve surgery in September 2022 so 2023 in February she had started losing weight drastically and then eventually got a job the same month. Brother she was destroyed and still gave me food everyday still helped me still gave me sex just still was trying not giving up. I unfortunately didn’t see it this way due to my own internal problems and trauma and my selfish and stupid ways. Anyways even for my bday she took me to miami wasted $3k on the trip and it was amazing. Eventually it got toxic i got fired around October and i wasn’t really fully employed after that for a while so she had to pick up alot and my egocentric ass said hey i did it for you whats the problem a couple months you hold me down? (She should of been left me) but it got toxic and the stress from work her family me and me not working she was crashing out she would spazz on everyone and i dont blame her looking back she was just going though alot. We started cursing eachother out really bad and even got physical. Not fists punch or slaps just grabbing eachother , breaking stuff, throwing stuff out, breaking property.
Anyways for her birthday we went to paris (February 2024) and it was great till we argued (i really shouldn’t have gone cause i got a job in February the whole month and first month on the job i requested a week off already and i lied saying it was something else but it was really this trip i had) anyways after this trip she someway somehow forced me to quit my job because i was out from 6am-7pm everyday monday through Friday. March came and dont get me wrong guys my family i am blessed enough that they were sending me little amounts of money here and there to get me through they know i needed to pay rent food etc. march came and someway somehow when she said something to me she slammed the door and walked out so i immediately reacted and then slammed the door open to chase her . I come back the whole door is ripped off the frame . All the hinges ripped off. I ran away like a coward because she kept screaming at me and cursing me out saying you gotta replace it now but i didnt have 1$ to my name and im asking my mom and she is being a bitch on purpose. Long story short that was march 23rd i get arrested 4 days later because of property of destruction and then get out on limited order of protection. We ran into eachother a couple days later and we spoke she invited me over and i lived with her again the whole month of April.
Anyways in april im still just relying on my parents at this point because all these jobs im applying for are not in my favor to respond to me (no one hit me back up) . So towards the end of the month literally the Sunday before the 1st of May we get into another heated argument she said you dont do shit around here you a grown ass man this that and that and tbh bro i can show you my cashapp my mother send me like $1500 that month and every time she would send me $100 here or $300 there for food or something she would tell me waste it on weed. (We kinda of had a weed addiction we were wasting $40 a day 7days a week on weed, you do the math) so anyways most of the money my mom is sending me is being spent very inconsiderately and bad . I didnt think much of it cause i thought hey fuck it man im here whatever she wants to make her happy.
Anyways fast forward after the argument sunday before may 1st the weekend before may 1st i leave again because it got so crazy i wasn’t trying to spazz out so i walked out and left. Monday she tells me come back ik your mom isnt cooking im not heartless i still wanna be friends with benefits or friends . Whatever she said and also she said i built this bond with you no one knows me like you do. (We lost our virginity to eachother , we literally told eachother our deepest darkest secrets , met eachothers families, did all this together was very intimate) so i went back and as she said we ate we cuddled etc. the next day after work we go out the whole day because her and mom and sister arent on good terms i forgot to mention we lived in a basement and her mother on the 1st floor. The whole month of april they were on bad terms (just walking by eachother not even talking or acknowledging eachother) so we go out the next day after that Tuesday before May 1st. After work we do all that and come back home at 6/7 ish . I havent checked her phone in ages cause i fucked up alot and honestly i kind of had a feeling if i did i was gonna see exactly what i was looking for. Anyways i still did it cause im a stubborn hardheaded motherfucker, and ofc i saw her texting sexual with some guy she told me she was talking as friends on and off for since November. The convo went like him: im dying to find out i just wanna carry you on top of me , her: omg i forget you’re so tall i love it , him: omg i forget you’re so short i love it, her: Stoppppp omg with the emojis, him: plus if you aren’t gonna wear that dress when we go out atleast where it when you invite me over :p , her: lol i guess im small ( she posted a picture in a shirt blouse showing her curves and body and curly hair) , bro i saw this and went back inside from checking her phone in the middle of the road and said is this what you’re doing to me ? Are you serious? She laughed in my face and said well you’re reading it aren’t you? I lost it and spit in her face and called her a nasty you know what just like her sister. How shes just like her sister (her sister fucks any guy to fill her void and to get money/gifts in exchange. (Going back as to why they weren’t on good terms in april her and her sister got into a physical fight because her sister wore her deadstock jordans i got her from 2018 that are now worth $700 and fried them . What blew my mind during the fight was her sister looked and me straight in the eyes that day and said i know alot about you as if she got something on me. That made me wonder alot. Also she called my ex gf a slut which made me think what the fuck) anyways fast forward after i catch her cheating on me she chases me in her underwear for 12 blocks and im toying running around cars with her at that point and i threw her phone on the ground and she ran right past it. Long story short i got arrested and now im facing a felony cause of that and its no contact as of rn till July when this court date happens. I miss the fuck out of her and regardless of anything i wish her the best and miss her dearly . Side note my brother showed me she was what appeared on a date Yesterday

ok, I know the message isn't very clear so let me explain: years ago, I started a campaign with my best friend. He and I as DMs had initially used monster of the week but moved to not the end as the system was freer. the "plot" began with the playbook of the "divine", that is, this demigod who was part of this secret organization that went to solve cases. Very standard thing. Then after the end of the first season, we changed the system to not the end and from there the power level clearly went through the roof. For about two seasons we got along well, but as we continued to put homebrew stuff in the end the system collapsed and we were just throwing out tokens. In the end I no longer had any ideas for how to balance battles, upgrades, history... in short, everything.
I ended up closing the campaign. But the regret remained, after all, there were two seasons left. and we were in the middle of the second to last.
recently, I promised him I would finish it, mostly to give a fitting conclusion to an ignorant, funny story that he managed to keep me entertained during a bad time in my life.
Not wanting to repeat the same mistakes, I need a system:
-narrative
-that can bring the level of power to a divine level
-which allows you to create moves/equipment/etc
-that is also manageable by the master to create battles and clashes without having to lose your mind.

About a year ago, I [29 M] was in a toxic relationship with J [29 M]. While there were no serious stakes in it (no kids or messy finances), the relationship and breakup ended up emotionally affecting me in a way I had never really thought possible. I feel guilty because after the relationship I tried to be friends with my ex still, which I now see as a mistake in the context of this relationship, and then after a few months, he blocked me because I didn't respect a boundary he had set about not sending him long messages. He said he didn't feel safe since I "completely ignored" the boundary.
I was devastated, but over the course of the next few months, came to understand a great deal of ways that I feel that I had been abused during the relationship. I felt angrier and angrier, and even though I was seeing a therapist, it eventually boiled over. My ex had blocked me on discord and probably on text, but I went onto an astrology app called Co-Star that he had had me download, and sent a message using it that said something like, "You were an abusive partner, but you can make it right with an apology."
Now, I have no idea if he actually saw the message. It was sent with a weird feature of the app called Chaos Mode that apparently chooses to send the message at some future time, so who knows if it actually ever sent. I don't know if he still has the app, if he unfriended me, or whatnot. But I feel guilty because I enacted exactly the caricature of me that he had created--I hadn't respected his boundaries, and I sent the message anyways.
At the same time, I am still feeling very victimized by the relationship. To give you a sense of the kinds of things that were going on in the relationship, here's a few examples that I currently find a little horrific [Note: this kind of turned into a summary of the relationship after I wrote it]. I'm aware that to heal I should probably not be ruminating about these things, especially if they lead me to boil over and message him, but here you go.
The first time I had sex with him, he slammed the door on me for not being able to finish and said "finish yourself." When I came to bed, I told him I felt shame. He said "good." The next time we had sex, he set a timer for me and said I had to finish within 5 minutes. These were the first times I ever had sex. He was manipulative in bed, telling me he didn't want to perform certain acts because I didn't give him enough praise for them, so that I started exaggerating my pleasure; he blamed me for why certain positions weren't working and was frustrated with how my body worked. On top of this, he admitted at the end of the relationship to having had sex with me around five times after he decided to break up with me (before he did), which just makes me feel a bit icky.
He would put me down in pretty transparently cruel ways. One example was when I exerted myself, he said I sounded like a muppet and that he "didn't want to be dating a muppet." When I offered him a blanket but apologized that it might not have been washed in a while, he called me a baby. He would insult my ability to give complements, asking me to tell him what color his eyes are but then rejecting everything that I gave him, telling me I was bad at complements repeatedly (and saying that it wasn't fair of him because his other exes were artists, so no wonder I was bad). Now, there were times that he was complementary to me--he told me I was hot, good at singing, good at writing, smart--but also times where he would put me down for things I was less good at, like cooking.
He constantly made me feel insecure about my gender. (For context, we are both men, but he was raised as a woman). So he would make pretty sweeping feminist critiques over fairly mundane things, like if I complained when I was sick he would go off about how men are always babies when they are sick and women don't get attention. When I confronted him about some of the things he was saying, telling him that while I wanted him to express these kinds of social problems so that I could be aware and adapt, I was feeling insecure in the relationship--he flipped it around and told me that if I didn't feel loved, he could say "I love you" less, and that I hadn't been grateful enough for when he came to visit me. (I had written him poetry, deep cleaned my apartment, taken time off work, sent my roommate off for the week, bought him a bus pass, planned his visit, met him in the airport despite not having a car, and just an insane amount of work to be turned into, "you weren't grateful enough").
Other than namecalling, he was just plain controlling. The reason that the boundary around me not sending long messages exists is that when I felt insecure--which I think makes sense given the ways he would talk to me--I would often send him a few paragraphs apologizing and explaining how I was growing. Even though long messages were the first thing he said he loved about me, and that he said our communication was like magic, he eventually set up what he called an "Essay embargo" and told me not to write them. The first time he set the "embargo", he had said it was only until we met in person because he didn't want me to write anything that would make him nervous. After we met in person, I assumed the embargo had lifted. Yet shortly after, he set it again, giving a few explanations--the main one just being that he wanted to appreciate our relationship without overthinking it. It seemed playful. He definitely did also say that long messages made him uncomfortable because he felt obligated to send a response. So, when I did send messages, I would add that he didn't have to respond (which I realize is not fully respecting the boundary). I did ask after sending messages whether they were ok and he never responded to those questions.
Despite this, there were times during the relationship that I continued to send long, often apologetic messages. I had felt like this boundary was set playfully and I also was feeling overwhelming guilt that I, for whatever reason, needed his affirmation for. I am conflicted because on the one hand, I was definitely ignoring his boundary--but on the other, I feel like the boundary was not very thoughtful of my own needs, either.
Prior to the breakup, it was hell. He was getting angry at me for everything--for pretty mundane things like using the bathroom before him and stinking it up. He told me he had to show me how to do everything, but I realize now that a lot of this was just him being particular (e.g, he told me I don't know how to drink tea because I left the bag in, when I just like it strong). Unfortunately, I had flown 5,000 miles to visit him and was sort of trapped in his proximity, and was drunk on love still since I was trying very hard, it was my first relationship, and he had sold me on notions of fairytale romance and told me we were cosmically meant to be together and other lovebomby sort of things. We flew to a convention and I met some of his friends, and at one point he introduced me to a girl he had almost dated before, saying I was a friend and not a partner. I pointed this out to him later and he just said "does that make you angry?". He flirted with a woman at a party, telling her she was pretty while demanding that i bring him snacks (I feel so, so weak for not confronting him about this). He got drunk and I stayed with him as he passed out, but he was angry at me in the morning. When one of his friends told me they thought I was nice, because i was opening doors for everyone, my ex said "Is he really?" Questioning them.
The breakup itself was cold and calculated. He started it by telling me that he thought about not giving me any reasons for the breakup because I always overanalyze things. He told me he wouldn't have broken up with me if I was a woman. He told me I didn't take care of him and he needs a partner that takes care of him, and that his partners always feel taken care of. He threw some things I had said at the beginning of the relationship back at me--misquoting and misunderstanding them.
After the relationship, I had no idea what to think. It was my first relationship. It had started with fairytale romance. I had been passing his tests, I had been an exception to his long string of abusive relationships. He presented himself as this incredibly moral person (vegan, environmentally conscious, telling me of all of the ways others had abused him that he would never do, even his closest friends). I had completely internalized criticisms that he had had of me throughout the relationship, many of which had led to serious self reflection and my writing messages about my growth. Within a week I told him I still loved him and that I always would. He reminded me of his boundary around long messages and said they made him anxious. I was desperate. We took a few weeks of no-contact. We messaged short-messages back and forth, with a few life-updates to eachother each. He told me he was rescuing a kitten that he found, and I remembered how he could be kind.
But as I processed, more and more, I felt angry. I wrote unsent angry letters in the notes app on my phone for a month. I wrote myself a 20,000 word summary of the relationship. This was not a healthy way to process. It elevated me. (Some of you will probably comment that maybe I shouldn't have written this post for the same reason, but oh well--I wanted to process and I want to hear if others have similar stories). Meanwhile, my ex kept pushing back the date for when we would verbally connect again. Eventually, I boiled over. I did not insult him. But I wrote a long message explaining that I wanted to take 3 months of no-contact. I had entered another relationship and told him that even though I was feeling angry at him, he shouldn't be worried because even though I had baggage from the relationship, I was communicating well with my new partner. I also told him that I felt like if I did talk with him, that I would end up tearing him a new one, and that I needed time to cool down. I'm not proud of the message in general, but I didn't call names, tell him he was awful, or anything like that. I was just insensitive and told him I was angry.
And like that, I was blocked. It was over. A period of about 9 months, five of which we were together, with two before escalating towards love bombing and two after escalating towards my boiling over.
And yet, I had never expressed to him that I thought he had been abusive. I felt frustrated that I had told him that I would always love him, when in many ways now I hated him.
Five months passed, during which I came to realize more and more how messed up the relationship was.
And then I sent the message on Co-star.
Fast forward another four months to now.
I just sent him a text, knowing he probably has blocked me there too. It said something like, "I want my last message to you just be: I'm sorry, and I forgive you." I wanted to free myself. I needed to not feel angry at him or ashamed of myself. I needed to not feel like I had a million things to say to him--I needed to just say, this is it: I'm not sending more messages. I'm sorry, and I forgive you. It was for myself. I was forgiving him selfishly, even though he didn't deserve it, so that I could move on.
I feel like I shouldn't have sent this, but I don't feel bad about it yet, either. I needed closure. It always felt like there was some "message I could send" to detail his abuse, and I needed to not have that standing over me--I needed to forgive. I am now oscillating between wondering about myself--whether I have a problem with boundaries, since I had boiled over at this point three times to message him. Feeling frustrated I didn't assert myself about his abuse, that I doubled down on loving him. Part of me is glad that I sent the message on Co-Star saying that he was abusive, because it was the only indication I ever gave him, really, that what he did wasn't ok to me--he had blocked me before I could articulate anything. But I also know that this message even if received would not mean anything to him.
Anyways, now I'm venting about it here on Reddit. Does anyone have similar experiences surrounding self control messaging exes and feeling a bit out of control?

Long story short I signed up for my first sprint tri on a whim last week and it’s less than a month out. I haven’t been training for this event at all but my normal weekly exercise routine includes the following: Swim 4K-10k yards per week, run 15+ miles, and live in a hilly city where I bike everywhere so averaging about 40+ miles at an absolute minimum there, plus yoga.
I am trying to determine what a realistic time goal is for myself. The event has a 1/3 mile open water swim which I am 100% certain I can finish under 9 min (I competitively swam my whole childhood through Highschool) but beyond that I am bit lost.
The bike is 11 miles. I cycle commute in clogs w/ a 20 pound bag frequently. When I bike the 15 or so miles to my office like this my pace is 14mph in those conditions. What pace should I aim for in training? How much exertion on the day of?
The run is 3.5 miles. I have run several half’s and lots of shorter distances and can race a 5k around 21 flat and run at a very comfy level a 24/25 min 5k. What pace is realistic to go for after the swim and bike?
My overall goal is to finish but I’m also competitive and would love to know what a realistic time goal might be. Obviously I know I will be too tired to PR a run or bike at the end but don’t really know what’s reasonable to expect. Also, any tips to piece all these leg together to race well on the day of would be very appreciated!

So quick preamble here, I've still got a lot of time until retirement but I've seen enough horror stories of people who didn't plan it out and things got rough so I've been doing a lot of reading early. Thing is, I'm hearing conflicting reports from 3 sources, my HR, my senior coworkers, and the Reddit Professionals. So I was hoping we could talk it out.
First I will lead with what I have heard from HR regarding the various time allotments:
Not going to bother with vacation/floater as everyone is in agreement that they last for one year until the holiday returns and can't be cashed out for retirement. Same for personal where they expire in each anniversary but can't be used for retirement.
Okay:
I am told that Non Comp hours (what you earn between 37.5 hours to 40) cannot be cashed out for retirement and you just lose it all. So you have to use all of this before you retire.
For Vacation you can cash out 225 hours but anything over 300 expires at the end of the year. So when approaching retirement you need to keep this category balanced just right.
For sick time, you can convert 1500 hours into health insurance and NYSLRS service credit but since I will be retired I'm not sure how either of those works. Wouldn't I lose the health insurance before then?
So that's what I've heard from HR. What I've heard from my colleagues is:
Vacation cannot be cashed out and you will lose it. However you do cash out sick time up to 1750 hours. Then non comp is lost.
I'm inclined to think HR is the right party here of course but then on Reddit I've heard that you do cash out on non comp and vacation but not sick time.
So what have you guys heard? This all feels so very convoluted for what should be a very straight forward process. I just wanna retire at 55 so I can enjoy 10 years of joining a bunch of clubs and making friends before I keel over but in the meantime I want to make sure I time things right.
Our office was super busy during Covid and short staffed so I didn't take almost any time off from 2020-2022. Because of that I'm at around 900 hours accrued so I'm going to be working with my supervisor to plan how I can take more time off without getting things into a tough spot. That's why I need to know what I should drain. Right now my hours are:
7.50 Holiday 7.50 Floater 558 Sick 37.5 Personal 125 Non Comp 254 Vacation

Hi everyone, the title is pretty much the core of the issue.
23, male, 180cm, 60kg, white pale complexion, smoker, no previous heart or circulatory condition, previous food-allergy related rashes and epileptic crises during high fevers as a kid (both no longer present).
I have been experiencing this for years now and I can’t seem to find any definitive solution. Not even my doctor could help me so I’m asking here in the hope someone recognises this or has some useful advice.
Long story short sometimes I get out of the shower or bath and as soon as my legs dry a little they start to itch. Itching restlessly and intensely as if someone was pinching me all over them. It usually lasts a few minutes and then progressively calms down, even tho it can last up to half an hour sometimes.
I know it doesn’t sound like much of a problem but I really can’t describe how terrible it feels with words. When it happens I feel helpless and like I could go mad, it’s a very intense sensation, sometimes I even slapped my legs hoping they would stop. Sometimes it starts making me shake
It feels obvious to say it but scratching only makes it worse and prolongs the torture.
On to the weirdness of this: I thought of every possible reason this happens and every possible remedy doesn’t help in the slightest and sometimes makes it worse.
I thought it was a skin sensitivity problem and I only use pharmacy’s shower oil to wash my body, nor do I use exfoliants chemical or physical (I wash myself with my bare hands and nothing more).
I thought it was a dryness problem so I tried multiple hydrating creams all with varying results from no effect to making the situation worse.
I thought it was an oil depletion problem so I applied sweet almond oil (which also should have calming effects on irritations) and it doesn’t do anything.
I thought it was a circulatory problem so I started wearing compression socks as some recommend (I don’t have varicose veins nor anything similar).
What is left on my list of ideas is a peripheral nervous problem and I really want to hope that is not the case.
I can’t see a correlation between the times it happens (as it’s not a regular appointment, thankfully) as it doesn’t matter if I shower or bathe, hot or cold, etc.
The additional useful information that I can tell you is:

• It could have some correlation with shaving: I say could because I don’t shave often, I don’t do it with anything other than an electric razors with spacers anymore and, most importantly, it happened when I hadn’t shaved for months too, although less intensely
  
• It happens consistently every time I bathe in sea water and that is the only time the sensation expands all over my body (when it happens at home my arms itch too sometimes, but way less noticeably than my legs).
  
• There are no visible signs of this, no rashes, not even redness
  
• My mother said she has had this problem all her life but the solution that worked for her was using cleaning products for sensitive skin which, as I mentioned, didn’t do it for me (although it seems to have made it a little less frequent, sea water aside).
  

Please help Thank you for reading this long message

Hi all!
This is a first time post and I'd really appreciate any insight from others who had post wedding regrets... I'm really struggling with our day and it's so disheartening for me and my husband.
In short: we planned an outdoor, destination wedding but were unlucky enough to have rain the entire weekend. The rain spun me out so much and triggered so much anxiety that I didn't interact and greet my guests like I wanted to. I am left feeling like I have disappointed everyone and they regret even making the effort to come to our wedding.
Does anyone have any advice or words on how they dealt with a similar experience?
Full story:
The Background: We are expats; I'm Irish, he is from the UK and we met in The Netherlands. We both decided to have our wedding abroad because we didn't feel it was right to choose one location over the other so we opted for the beautiful Portugal. About a year before the wedding, he was offered a job in Sweden so we relocated 6 months before our wedding date (another big undertaking).
Destination weddings always cause some rumblings but in our case, there wasn't really a location to choose that would keep everyone happy so we wanted to make it a little city break so people could really get something extra from the weekend.
The week of the wedding: Well, if you hadn't guessed already: it poured with rain the days before and after our planned outdoor wedding. (The sun did come out by Monday so anyone staying longer did get to experience some sunshine but most people only stayed Friday - Monday morning).... We had to opt for a Plan B and convert to indoors... but I was so spun out by the rain and the guilt of disappointed guests that I really wasn't fully present to greet them the days before. I went into total panic mode. The guilt was so overwhelming that I found it very awkward to talk to a lot of my guests. Of course, I tried to put on a brave face and I hugged them and thanked them for coming...
We had a meetup the night before the wedding. This was supposed to be outdoors in a square with lots of bars but we switched to the hotel. In a panic move, I put 1000EUR behind the bar as a gesture for the guests.
The Wedding Day: On the actual day, I was still a bit shell-shocked and couldn't really enjoy the morning getting ready. My poor bridesmaids didn't know what to do and the whole getting ready experience was a pretty silent affair.
Thankfully, I came around a few hours before the ceremony and realized I had to accept it for what it is. My partner during all this was keeping everything jolly and light and making jokes about the weather.
Walking down the aisle was actually really fun and I loved seeing him there waiting for me. We had a short, informal ceremony given by a friend of my husbands.
After the ceremony, we started with a receiving line but we were ushered to a different location by the venue coordinator and unfortunately, the receiving line kind of fell apart at that stage.
While I have vague memories of hugging people, I really don't remember if I got everybody.
Then the rest of the day is a bit of a blur. I started to do table visits but didn't get very far and then I just remember my husband telling me that he had gotten me a plate of food and that I should sit down and eat...
The rest of the night was spent dancing but not really socializing properly.
We had put on a free bar, BBQ with great food, a band and a DJ.
Families: My husbands family are more introvert and quiet and didn't socialize very well during the wedding. they didn't even congratulate him (there is a complex relationship there)... his mum became upset at the dinner table and started crying and then she left the top table to sit with her friend.
My family are more sociable but my dad is a drinker and he gets quite selfish when he drinks so he upset my mum and me to the point where I told him not to do a speech (he didn't want to anyways so he didn't protest)
The next day: The following day we also invited people to our villa but it lashed rain again and so guests were in separate villas with me running between the two, and again, not really socializing properly.
Now: I am struggling with extreme shame and embarrassment that I threw a terrible wedding and that I was a bad host. I've barely heard anything from guests since and I really would like some advice on how to acknowledge my regret but also maintain some level of positivity with guests.
My poor husband is so gutted that I feel this way about our special day and I want to be able to accept the regrets and move on but I am stuck in a loop.
Does anyone have any similar experience hear and can offer some advice?
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Well met, friends!

I'm a small fish in a sea of amazing players hoping to find a group of likeminded people to play with! I'm 27F, with about 5 years of TTRPG experience and 10 years roleplay in general. I have reached a point as a player where I don't see TTRPGs as just a casual hobby, but as a special experience that can only be reached though the labour of love, commitment and collective interest of everyone at the table. And I'm hoping for a group that shares in this mindset.

What I can offer:

• Flexibility and commitment: I respect everyone's time and I'm confident that I will not be late to or miss sessions. My availability is mostly in the BST timezone, but I am able and willing to commit to playing late for the right group.
• High dedication and immersion: I am a creative player with a passion for writing. I make in-depth characters with compelling backstories who are well-established in the world they live in. In game, I'm an experienced roleplayer with an immersive and emotionally engaged playstyle, who invests in the DM's world, NPCs and fellow players.
• Proactiveness: I will make a character who has reasons to be involved with the story and world and who never says no to adventure.
• Collaboration: I have a track record of playing support/ supportive characters and I would love a party that is close-knit and can emotionally invest in each other. I am a firm believer in equal sharing of spotlight and I respect/ am supportive when it's someone's turn to take the stage.
• Art: I love TTRPGS and I love drawing pcs/npcs or meaningful/funny scenes from sessions.
• Openness to various systems: I have a preference for fantasy settings and magic to some degree. Depending on the system, I ask for patience from the group while I learn the rules.
• Voice available and video if required. I am willing to learn any (free) VTT.

What I'm looking for:

• Players & DM over 18y/o
• Kindness and Inclusivity: LGBTQ friendly! Racism/ homophobia not tolerated. No antagonism or personal favouritisms by the DM, no outcasting or bullying by the players.
• Active communication: Hoping to play with open and emotionally mature people, who are not afraid to discuss and settle any problems that might occur in and out of game.
• Availability and consistency: A group that looks forward to the game and playing together every week, as opposed to those who only play when they have nothing else better to do. I am hoping for stable schedules, and cancellations rare and notified in advance where possible.
• Group: A smaller number (3-5) of proactive and collaborative people who are comfortable with roleplay and becoming their character. Who are able to immerse themselves in the story and invest in each other.
• A game that is taken seriously: The story itself doesn't have to be serious at all times, but I prefer not to play with joke/meme characters, or those that are only defined by annoying quirks.
• Immersive play: A living, breathing world, and players who can remain in character for the majority of the session.
• Roleplay heavy: A narrative game ran by a DM who encourages player creativity and engagement. A compelling story with intrigue, exploration, interesting foes and meaningful combat, where player agency and choices matter.

At the moment I am not looking for:

• Streamed campaigns/ podcasts, PBP (play by post), West marches, paid games, heavy combat- focused games or magic-less settings
• Groups with 6 or more players
• Well-established groups of long term friends (had to specifically add this due to previous bad experiences)

Thank you for being with me so far! I know I'm asking for a lot, but in return I guarantee you someone who will deeply invest in your world, keep detailed notes, come up with creative solutions, draw cool art, write rhymes and songs, and much more! I will respect your time and hard work, and will try my very best to reward it by being a good player and ensuring that you have as much fun as I am!

If you are a DM who has similar wants and expectations, please send me a message with a little bit about yourself, your campaign /players and availability and we can take it from there!

Long story short I met this guy 3 years ago and we went on 1 date together. We talked on and off since then we’ve always liked each other since our date and he’s been crazy about me ever since but I was in a tough situation and wasn’t the right time for me to date. Fast forward to now we have been frequently seeing each other for about 4 months now. We’ve already said we love each other because we’ve known each other so long and wanted this so bad that we just are 100% sure of one another and we connect so well. I see myself marrying this man he treats me amazing and he’s waited for me for so long I know how much he cares about me because he proves it every single day. He asked me to be his girlfriend early on this time around and I said no because of my anxiety I need to get to know a person more. 4 months later I still haven’t made it official with him and I feel like the reason is so dumb that I don’t even want to tell him. He said he will always wait for me and be patient but I know it’s killing him inside because he wants me to be his girlfriend more than anything. The reason is literally because I’m scared to meet his family. I feel like once I make it official everyone will want to meet me and my family will want to meet him and that also scares me. Anything family related has always made my anxiety sky rocket that I avoid any and all situations that I can. Every family I’ve met in my life has liked me a lot though I’m very polite and sweet all the time. I’m 25 so I’ve obviously dated and met peoples families before I even moved in with a guy in the past with his family but once I turned 25 I feel like my social anxiety has gotten worse in some ways. I care so much about this man and don’t want anyone else but it’s hard for me to take that step forward. Before this I lived on my own with an ex boyfriend so being back at my parents and this guy living with his parents still makes me anxious that if I ever want to see him regularly I have to go over there and socialize with his family and feel like I have to impress people and that exhausts me. We have been getting hotels everytime we see each other or just go out on dates but it’s getting pricey. I have been hard on myself about this because I don’t know what I’m so scared of and I know once I force myself it won’t turn out as bad like it always does and I’ll wonder what I was scared of. I want to start my life with this guy seriously but it’s like what comes with dating someone after that scares me plus he has a 3 year old and I’m taking baby steps with that too. I’ve already met his daughter and things are good with that at least. But I need advice on how to overcome my anxiety with this. All I take are some supplements to help with it but it has ruined my whole life for me and I’ve missed out on so many opportunities and I hate it.

M25 F25 Hi so the situation is that I’ve started dating a girl around 4 months ago and I was at her house the other day and asked her if we are exclusive to each other bcus nothing of the kind has been spoken about yet so I wasn’t sure if she was seeing other people or if I could! But anyway she said yes and that she’s not seeing/speaking to anyone else which just to add neither have I.
But anyway long story short it’s been 4-5 months now and she’s hardly ever around! She lives around 45mins away and I probably see her on average once every 2weeks which I really don’t feel to be very much at all at this stage…although we talk everyday her replies can be pretty slow but she still seems to show keen interest when she does reply and we have good sex. My main issue is she always seems to be busy..something nearly every weekend and unfortunately most of the time it’s going out drinking/partying. If it is just a hook up I’m fine with that but I’m not sure why she wouldn’t just say so that I can carry on with other girls. (Not what I’m really wanting)
On top of this she’s going to America with her mates at the end of the month…going to Ibiza with a big group of guys and girls at the end of July and then going travelling round Asia for 4-5months next year!
I don’t want to sound clingy so please tell me if I do😂 but Ill be honest I think I’m cooked here but what do you guys think Any input appreciated 👍🏻