Hello! I am 20 years old and a female. I’m not very big on socializing and tend to be pretty introverted, not because I hate people but because it usually is exhausting for me. I try to look out for people and don’t like to tell anyone about my problems or feelings; I am also someone who cares a lot about people but doesn’t normally voice it, but would rather show it through gifts or acts of service. I like to pay attention to the details of things and people, and I often have a weird feeling that I can “predict” people or know how they will be/are… and so far, I’ve usually been right. I have a strong moral code and will always advocate for the underdog. I think deeply about things and tend to have a lot of empathy. I experience things and feel that I also think of things differently than most people. I have a hard time explaining my thoughts, but I’ll do my best!
I don’t have any kind of mental diagnosis that could affect my mental stability.
My upbringing was actually very positive. My family has been big on religion since I was born, but it’s something that I take comfort in and agree with. It brings purpose to my life and helps me to be the person I am. I have two parents who love me and take care of me, and younger siblings that I love dearly. I have cousins who double as my friends, aunts and uncles who have me over all the time, and grandparents that I love so, so much. Having many younger siblings did tend to get lonely at times, especially when they were younger, but it taught me independence and I do my best to take care of them. I count myself as extremely fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life.
As a job, I currently work as a barista. To be honest, I don’t really like it very much. My coworkers are very nice and I get along well with them, and I also like a lot of our regular customers, but my manager makes it a very toxic and negative environment that simply goes against my moral code. I also dislike the fact that most people that I see, I only see them in passing. I’d rather have few deep, meaningful connections that many shallow connections, if that makes any sense? I do enjoy the idea of getting to make people’s days, and I like to encourage the bashful people and love seeing sweet children, too! Both customers and coworkers tend to tell me personal stories, and I really enjoy getting to know them truly and seeing what makes them the way they are. I also tend to think sometimes that I feel a higher calling. I want to be somewhere truly helping people. I feel that I need to make a difference and positively influence people.
Spending an entire weekend by myself would be nice. I don’t NEED human contact, and can generally entertain myself without becoming bored. I do, however, find it a little depressing when it’s TOO quiet, especially since I grew up with my environment being everything but quiet. Normally, I like being near people, especially if I’m not even talking to them. Just sharing the space with someone is comforting enough for me! Overall, though, I do need to be alone frequently and tend to run away from life sometimes throughout the day. I would probably find a weekend alone to be really refreshing, so I could connect with myself and not other people.
I prefer activities where you work alone. I like to bake a lot, especially because it makes me happy when people enjoy the things I’ve made! I greatly enjoy sharing my food. I also like to read and can also write, as they both provide me with the an escape from reality at times. My favorite parts about both is understanding and connecting with the characters in the stories. If I have a favorite character, I like to think about what they think about and how they interact with the world. I feel like it’s something most people would find mundane, but I could do it all day! I enjoy being outdoors and connecting with nature, but I don’t particularly enjoy sports.
I tend to be very curious about many things. I like to know how people work. Not normally objects, but people. I find psychology to be extremely interesting, and could spend hours watching true crime investigations. If I see a stray cat, I wonder how it feels and what it has experienced. When I see a person who is upset, I wonder what happened to cause it and how I can help. I can normally tell quickly when something is wrong, and I am usually good at figuring out what I can do to help and am able to read people to understand the best ways to comfort them. It makes sense thinking that in my head, but writing it down sure makes it seem confusing!
Taking a leadership position is not my preferred route. If it falls down to me, I certainly would try hard to make sure the people working under me are happy. I’d rather make the people around my happy than the company itself. I’d like to be an advocate for their rights and happiness if anything was unfair, and I would like for us to be a “team” rather than simply a workplace. I’d like everyone to have fun at work and feel like friends and family. I know the world doesn’t work that way, but I can certainly dream, right?
In terms of coordination, I feel that I’m in the middle. I’d rather play video games than any kind of sport. I don’t have the best balance or coordination, and I don’t typically do things that involve having a good sense of either.
I feel that I am typically artistic, and have a great appreciation for art. I’m not great at drawing, but I like to write a lot. I also think it feels nice to express yourself through music. I’ve done pottery and would like to start learning to crochet. I enjoy looking at certain arts, such as music and books. My favorite art in terms of drawing is abstract art. I love thinking of the endless possibilities of what it could mean, and also wonder how the artist felt when drawing the piece.
The past doesn’t typically have meaning to me. I can be sentimental about certain things at times, but I typically focus my energy mostly on the future. I do things in my present life to prepare for the future, and I have a positive outlook on the future. I don’t like to think of the things that I find unpleasant now, because I believe in a good, happy future where the things that currently bother me will no longer be able to affect me.
I typically will jump at the opportunity to help someone, especially if they are in my family. I do my best to make people’s days, and I try to be of service as best as I can. I used to be unable to say “no”, but I have since learned to enforce boundaries and would never do something that goes against my moral code. If I have a lot on my plate and someone asks me to do something for them, I will typically tell them that I will help them when I can or if I have the time.
Logical consistency is something that I find important, but I wouldn’t mind making exceptions for certain things. I take comfort in knowing that certain outcomes will always remain the same, as I get nervous sometimes when things are unknown. Since I normally can predict what will happen with certain people or events based on prior experience, I find it both interesting and disturbing when the outcome is different.
Efficiency and productivity are not my top priorities, but I do find them important. I like to be efficient in the things I do, but I will not go out of my way to find the “best” way to do something. I like to stay a little productive so that I don’t feel as if I haven’t done anything, but I am perfectly fine with sitting around doing nothing, too. It’s peaceful. I don’t like being in a rush.
Controlling others is something I never do on purpose, but I will admit I can manipulate sometimes. I would never negatively impact someone on purpose, but I am able to manipulate a situation if I find something to be unfair. I’m especially able to do this with the way my mind sees connections between people and things, as well as the way I see into other people’s minds and understand their feelings and actions. It sounds scary but I promise, I mean no harm! :)
Hobbies I enjoy include baking, playing video games, watching videos, writing/reading, and just being around people! I like to share the things I bake, and video games are fun because I can enjoy them alone or with my family. Playing games and watching videos, whether alone or with others, is fun and stimulating for my brain in all the right ways! I much prefer to write over speak, as I feel I can convey things better and express myself through writing. Reading allows me to look into the minds of other people and I think it’s just so fun.
Learning environments are something I normally can adapt to. Whether a teacher is strict or laid back, I am normally able to perform the same way. I can understand each side and typically earn the favor of teachers no matter their teaching styles. I tend to thrive better in environments where things are on a straight path, but I do like to express myself through various pieces of writing when possible.
When I have a project, I would much prefer to start it quickly and finish it as soon as possible. I don’t typically “wing” anything, although I won’t be torn up if something doesn’t go exactly according to plan. I’d rather break things up into manageable tasks and prefer to work alone. I strategize pretty well, but for the most part, I use the strategy as a guideline and like to be creative here and there.
My aspirations are to connect with and help people. I feel a calling to do something and be somewhere that I can help people and understand them. I want to make a difference. I want to be a part of people’s passions and learn their dreams. I want to know the mundane things about them. I want to learn, but I mainly want to help.
I fear being left and not needed. I also fear being taken advantage of and manipulated. I feel that I need to work hard in order to compensate for these things. I also greatly fear having no one to turn to. Being alone is nice, but being lonely is my worst nightmare.
The highs in my life are when I can be around people who don’t drain me. That good feeling after someone tells you you’ve made their day. That feeling you get after you and your family beat the level of the game you’ve been working hard at. The feeling after you look around at your clean room. The feeling after you finally quit that toxic job, or the feeling after someone eats the food you’ve made them. For me, all of those things paired with thinking about and understanding someone’s thoughts and intentions make me happy. They stimulate my brain, and give me that “AHA!” moment.
Lows in my life typically include feeling helpless. I hate when you don’t know how to assist someone, or when all you can do is sit with them. I also hate when people are cruel for no reason. I advocate for justice according to my moral code and I stand up for people as well as what I feel is right. I hate when I think I could have done something better. When I’m upset, I become pessimistic and tend to isolate myself. I hate being stuck with individuals who are unfeeling, uncaring, or narcissistic.
I tend to daydream more than I partake in reality. I have a hard time focusing on what is in front of me, and I like to think more on the hypotheticals. I daydream and think in order to gain a deeper understanding of the world around me, but it causes me to miss some of the simple things right in front of me.
Being alone in a blank, empty room would cause me to think about a lot of things. I would probably think of how to improve myself. I might think of birthday gifts for people, or the next thing I want to cook. I could think of nostalgic things, or the problems I am currently facing in my life. I think I would mostly think on self improvement and the interactions I’ve seen between people.
Making decisions is sometimes hard for me. I normally will go with what my gut tells me, unless there is an obvious logical choice. I tend to be indecisive sometimes, and like to make decisions quickly so I don’t have to think about them anymore. I don’t normally second guess decisions I’ve made.
Emotions are a big part of my life. I like to understand people’s thoughts and feelings, sometimes to the point where I will neglect my own. My own emotions can take me time to understand, but I can read most other people easily. I base my responses to things on how others are feeling.
Agreeing with others just to keep a conversation going is something that I find untruthful. If something goes against my personal moral code, I will either leave or change the subject. I will always kindly stand up for what I believe to be right. I tend to choose my battles, but I will never agree with something that I don’t believe in my heart.
Rules, to me, are made to be followed. Sometimes, I don’t mind bending them a little bit, but I do feel that most people should follow rules the majority of the time. I feel that rules keep things in order and are an important structure in certain places and environments.

Please if u have nothing helpful to say just keep scrolling, me and this girl met around 2 weeks ago and it has been amazing, the amount of things we share in common and how we almost think alike in a lot of things, we even have similar hobbies, lately ive been losing my spark for her because of her current behaviour, we have been in like 5-6 dates, we had sex once, and almost everytime we hang out we kiss and treat each other like we are dating, i did the logical thing and asked her what we were and her response was, "is too soon, i dont wanna rush anything", i was fine with that at first, and i also dont wanna rush or force her on making a desicion, time keeps going and i dont feel any change, i know its only been 2 weeks but still, i met her mom her sisters, she met my parents, ive slept over at her house, she slept over at mine, but any time i try to make it official she gives me the same answer, is too soon, and that she isnt ready to give me anymore, and i know some of you are instantly say, well she is not ready, she doesnt text me, she doesnt call me, unless i start it, i have to come up with dates or ideas to hang out, and twice already she canceled on me cuz her friend wanted to hang out with her, i also know her friends and i get along with them so i trust her completly, they are gay, and a few girls, my problem is that i simply dont understand whats happening, anytime i hang out with her i get put into a timer, i get the "well we've hung out for a while now" means its time for me to leave or stop talking to her, ive done everything i can to make her feel comfortable around me, ive taken her to dates and walks and places without asking for anything in return, me and her both play video games, i could be on the menu and she would get on and instantly join someone else to play and doesnt even text me or asks me to play, anytime i facetime her, if she gets any calls she immediatly says im getting a call ill call you later, and i wouldnt hear from her for hours, but when i call her and she is a call, she just doesnt pick up or texts me until she is done, and doesnt even call me, she just texts me, i was in a call, sometimes she doesnt even text me, she doesnt open my texts within 30 mins ever, always 1-4 hours later, i have no idea what she is doing, and i know she doesnt owe me anything, but if she is taking her time to see if im worthy then at least i should also know whats going on, im not just gonna sit here and wait for someone until they decide sorry ur not it, my feelings also matter to me and i also dont wanna get hurt, i made clear to her what my intentions are, i told her i wanted something serious and i was looking to hopefully settle down in the future with my next partner and she told me, that was exactly what she needed, and she introduced me to her son, and that went super well, he is a super dope kid, 6yo, he even told her that he liked me and i was his new friend, that made me really happy and i bought him a fortnite gift card, he was super excited about it and she was happy that unlike her ex i actually cared about him. Lately, i figured maybe she just needs space, i havent really texted her or called her in the past 2 days and just like i thought it would happen, she hasnt bothered to text me or call me at all, i even showed up to her place last night and wished her happy mothers day, got her flowers, candle and some bath salt she been wanting, but i noticed that she was wearing a dress which means she had gone out with her friend and i didnt even know, this is where im at rn, before going to bed i texted her 2 hours ago, "hey wyd" which is how she texts me when she does, and i got left on delivered, but not too long ago i was playing with one of her friends and he read outloud a text from her asking him if he wanted to play, and that made me feel extremaly anxious, not jealous, i felt abandoned, alone, dissapointed and worthless. I feel this void in my chest and i cant get it to go away, the void is so big that my brain wont even stop thinking about it, i cant function, i cant have fun i cant do anything else without feeling it, i dont know what to do. Am i really overthinking? i did brought this up to her and her response was the same, "im healing from my last relationship, this is everything i can give for now", and when we started talking i asked her are you ready to start dating? are u moved on from your ex? and she said yes, so now does she keep saying she needs time to heal?, i thought maybe she lost interest but the other day i was so depleted that i almost walked away and i turned around because her face just turned upside down and she started crying and accepting it, and that broke my heart, i told her i didnt wanna walk away i wanted to figure everything out, she said "its not your fault im just broken, i dont have any emotions left to give, i dont wanna hurt you" but then she started hugging me and didnt let go...

TL;DR WHY IS SHE SO CONFUSING, if you read it all, i know i couldve prob made it easier to read, but i really needed to get it out of my chest, thank you, i just need an outside pov without all the emotions im feeling clouding my judgment, i really dont know what to do, i feel stuck in limbo 

Wow. It's been about 2 weeks since I first started Hollow Knight, and I've come to the conclusion that it is simply amazing. I haven't played too many indie games before, mainly just Nintendo games like Mario and Zelda, so going into this I didn't know what to expect. I had heard great things about it, but I was never really interested in trying it out. Eventually though, I got around to it. Anyways, here are my biggest takeaways from the game:

1. THE MOVEMENT IS AMAZING!! Seriously, one of the best move sets in any game ever. It's up there with Mario Odyssey and Celeste. Having played Celeste's Farewell, I was hyped to learn about the Path of Pain and was eager to beat it. It took about 40 minutes, and I really loved how you had to utilize all of the moves - it reminded me a lot of Mario Kaizo levels.
   
2. Boss designs are great. Sure, some are better than others (*cough cough Watcher Knights cough cough*), but for the most part the bosses and their attacks were really creative. My personal favorite is the Broken Vessel fight. (Note: I haven't beaten the whole game yet. I still have some DLC fights left to try).
   
3. Graphics. I honestly think a good art direction will beat 4k graphics with ray tracing every single time. And Hollow Knight only proves that point, cause it looks incredible! All of the enemies look great, especially for being mostly bugs. And the scenery looks gorgeous, especially in Greenpath (which is my favorite place).
   
4. The Final boss (The Hollow Knight) is incredibly unique. Seriously, having the boss start hurting itself in the middle of the fight because of the infection and wanting to hurry up and die? (at least I think that's what's happening) It's so emotional, and really adds to the finale. Having a good final boss is really important in a video game, and so many great games have very mediocre finales (like Mario Galaxy 2, my favorite game of all time. Unfortunately the final boss is just.... boring). One final thing I want to mention about Hollow Knight's final boss fight is the music. Geez, it's such a good track, I added it to my Spotify playlist. That violin add a whole other depth of emotion to the final fight, making it so much better (even without the music it's still amazing).
   

Conclusion: This game is easily one of the best gaming experiences I've had in a while. My only major complaint is the navigation. Getting from place to place can be a bit of a hassle, and it feels a little slow sometimes. Other than that, I can't find much else to nitpick about. From the combat to the soundtrack, this game is without a doubt a masterpiece. I guess the only thing left to do is join the wait with everyone else for Silksong!

Content warning: sexual assault, child rape, grooming.
I;23F, have had a very difficult upbringing. I was sexually abused by my father(70M currently) and my mother (62F) did absolutely nothing about the abuse. When I was taken into foster care, she was on my father’s side, saying I was making allegations against them and lying about them. My father went to prison in 2014, my mother realized that the relationship she was in with my father was very harmful and that she was also abused too. We have a lot better of a relationship now; but it still isn’t quite the typical mother-daughter relationship. I wouldn’t ever let her be around her grandchildren unsupervised because of that. If I ever have any.
But here is the thing. I was taken into foster care at 13 years old due to the neglect and sexual abuse in my parents care. Enter my sister, Lynnie(53F) Lynnie and her ex husband; Derek(51M) took me in at 17 years old when my foster mom kicked me out by saying I would seduce men(I was 15, a virgin up until the rape occurred with Derek.) and saying I would ruin their marriage. That was in October of 2017. Several months later, in February of 2018, three days after I got with my ex partner, was the first time that Derek cornered me and raped me. Gave me oral sex against my will, and did… I’ll let you finish the rest. This would go on multiple times a week for almost a year and a half until I was finally so suicidal enough I couldn’t take it anymore and I told Lynnie. And I told Lynnie when she asked why I didn’t tell her sooner was because she didn’t believe me when my foster mom was abusing me physically. I was being starved and physically abused.
Lynnie has never once picked her own children, or any children in her care; over any man. When Derek got on to me and my niece(Bailey; 21F) she would be on his side. When he hated the fact I was bisexual and that Bailey was too, she hated it too. She still hates it to this day. Bailey told her that Derek made a pass at her at 14. But it took me being raped at 17 for her to finally realize it was all true.
She talked to my niece when they first separated. And my niece told me tonight that Lynnie blamed me for the rape when it first happened. Just like she did for the abuse my foster mom did to me. Just like the abuse our dad did to me. She blamed a 17 year old girl for “seducing” a grown man. A GROWN FUCKING MAN.
I have been ready to cut contact with her for a long time because of her letting our sister, Cyndi, age 50(passed this year due to stroke) keep all of her boyfriends who would grope me in the house and wouldn’t care that I was the only one paying rent. As if it wasn’t me who was working my ass off and then on top of it, blaming me when I took a day off of work because I thought my rapist was following me to my work. I WAS FUCKING SCARED. I was fucking 18 years old and scared I was gonna get cornered in my own work.
And now my niece telling me that when she first got into contact with her; she told her that it was my fault I “seduced” him. And that I “seduced” every man due to the sexual abuse I went through from our father. I was a little girl. I was not a woman. I never seduced a man. That should never be in a persons vocabulary, a minor “seducing” a grown man!?
It’s the grown man’s fault. You don’t ever go after a minor, let alone also one who has been sexually abused and one you can take advantage of. You should never go for a minor. At all. Ever.
Minors don’t seduce people. People who are grown seduce people.
And I can’t think that my own sister would think that about me. At 17 that I seduced her ex husband into molesting me.
I didn’t seduce your ex husband. I was a minor. He raped and groomed me and you want to be upset that I want my name changed because when you look me up online it links me to him!?
Please. Please give me some encouragement I’m doing the right thing. Because I’ve been staying up at night and tossing and turning thinking about how sick she has absolutely made me.

So, I [24M] don’t live with her currently. But I am about to join Army and used all my money for a new car. So, I’m literally broke. I’ve been staying with her [24F] for a couple days now. Heour (we picked him out together) youngest cat is a year old. Honestly even though he can be a bit of a hassle, he really is a sweetheart. Like I said, even though we don’t live together we did pick him out together. She has 4 other cats of her own. Moving on.
I noticed last night that he was acting extremely weird. It wasn’t like him to be so….calm, and sensitive I guess. Finally I saw that he was limping, and pointed it out to my girlfriend. She said he probably just hurt it while being rough with her other cats and he’ll be fine..okay. I guess. I have massive anxiety when it comes to animals being hurt. It makes me cry, and again, my anxiety just skyrockets when I see one. I hate it. But, I went with it.
Finally a couple hours later, and he starts HOWLING. He would try to move, make a meow of pain, and then plop down on the floor. Every other cat knew what was up and went over to him, to which he would swat and hiss them away. I started freaking the fuck out and told her we need to take him to the emergency vet. Because what if he fucking broke it, right? But she again, frustratingly said he’ll be fine and we should wait a couple days. Next thing you know it turns into an argument. I start telling her she doesn’t know that and if his leg IS broken shouldn’t we take him just to be sure? Until finally her argument was, “Well I can’t afford it, I have no money.” Which….is partially true I suppose. She’s been having money issues, but quite frankly it’s because she maxes out her fucking credit cards irresponsibly.
We didn’t talk the rest of the night. At all. He would howl occasionally if he moved, but he eventually managed to lay down. I went into the bedroom and just silently cried. Decided to stay up all night until I knew the vet would open, then went up to my girlfriend and told her if she wasn’t going to do it, I will. To which another argument proceeded. Until she just fucking left the house out of anger at like, 9am this morning. So, I said fuck it. Put our cat in the carrier, used her card to grab an Uber (she picked me up, so I didn’t have my car. Left it at Dads) and took him to the vet. Vet said they didn’t see any broken bones or dislocations and he probably just twisted/sprained it while playing too rough. They gave him pain meds and said he’ll be fine, just can’t let him play for a bit. Was about $150. She briefly went off on me over the phone, I told her I’m sorry but I couldn’t just sit and do nothing. And ever since we’ve been avoiding each other around the apartment.
TL;DR: I am broke from new car. Girlfriend and I’s cat was occasionally howling in pain from leg. She didn’t want to take him to vet and instead wait. I refused, used her card to pay for the vet.

If you aren't interested in reading another "I hate hearthstone post" just move along. This is the last time I'm posting or reading anything to do with this game and I'm posting this as closure and as a diary entry of sorts. I've already uninstalled this game on every device. This isn't a cry for help, I'm doing it publicly because I've found myself reading a lot of posts like this one lately and they have all been helpful in me quitting this game. And that's what it is... just a game. (I'm telling myself this, not patronizing you).
I've been playing off and on since beta. I'm a "wild Paladin" player. Every time I play, I play for a couple months and then I uninstall...a year or year(s) passes by, and I play again for a couple months. I've only ever had one goal- reach legend. Every time I play, I reach the equivalent of Diamond 2ish. I say equivalent because the rank systems used to be different. Getting to low diamond is so much fun...and then I hit a wall and I can't get past diamond 2. I've created so many iterations of the deck I use (I use a control paladin deck, it's totally original) This is 3 months in a row for me this time around.
There are many reasons why I'm completely burned out on this game and why I need to make this post to remind myself NEVER to install it again...when I get the urge to install, I will reference this post.

1. My first mistake was choosing Paladin all those years ago. My entire collection is Paladin. Generally speaking, It's just a shit class.

a. The hero power just flat sucks. It should cost 1 mana, not 2.
b. Majority of cards are designed around a combo of some kind- mainly buffing a minion. Problem is, you need to have a minion to buff it...which is too slow. Everything relies on the board... which is a joke these days.
c. The OTK (Ebon Uther) has got to be one of the worst, if not the worst in comparison to other classes OTK's. You are forced to basically play a specific deck to use it, it's not a "stand alone" OTK card that you can just slide into your custom control deck... you need like 4-6 additional combo cards to make it viable, which means your netdecking if you want to use it. All decks pretty much have to have an OTK now unless they are ultra aggro...which means you can forget about anything other than some braindead netdeck like "Even Pally"... which the ladder sniffs out 3 days after it's posted online.

1. Every time I load up a match, I find myself tensing up immediately. cringing at the thought of playing against:

a. Shadow priest, who just outvalues all my cards and then "steals" or "copies" them to add insult to injury.
b. Rogue, whom I dominate in every facet of the game (while I watch rope as they pull all of their cards by turn 4) just to have him kill me by drawing infinite 4 damage to hero cards until I die...regardless of if I'm full 40 health or not.
c. Warlock, whom I dominate in every facet of the game just to have him kill me by drawing infinite card exhaust damage that goes to me instead of him... regardless of if I'm full 40 health or not.
d. Shaman, shudderwock. I find myself laughing out loud at how ridiculous it is... and not like a good hearty laugh... like one of those maniacal demented laughs where you're just in disbelief of what you are watching.
e. Mage. Pretty much any mage, but especially secret Mage. I find myself wondering if people create the most inconsiderate and annoying decks possible on purpose to get people to concede... well I'm here to say, it's working... I concede.
d. Location cards, non-interactive cards (like auras), copy some minion a million times, freeze the board a million times, then copy the minion who freezes the board a million times. Infinite discover cards, which are copied into more infinite discover cards. Watching my opponents play until rope every turn.

1. Then I realize...it's not the decks. It's not the people. It's not even the game. It's me. It doesn't matter what I load up or who I play, I get mad, I feel like the game itself has conspired against me at every turn... but especially on "rank up" games. I NEVER get the favorable match up, I NEVER get the right card draw, my opponent ALWAYS has the advantage and I'm ALWAYS playing from behind. The truth is, it was over before it started...I just didn't realize I was tilted until I've lost 70% of my games. The truth is... I'm ALWAYS titled when I play this game. It just pisses me off. I'll never be good enough to reach legend and the truth is...why should I even care? This game has brought nothing but rage and frustration. And when I go to install it again 3 years from now because I've forgotten all about all these little details...this diary entry will remind me and spare me the grief.

That said, good luck to the rest of you and I sincerely apologize if I've sent you hate messages for playing "cheating" or "annoying" decks... you were just playing the game as it was designed...and I hope you find what you're looking for.

I (25 NB) met my friend (26 NB) at work, we have the same position at work and usually end up paired with each other. We get along great and have a lot of similar interests. I’ve given them rides home from work a lot cause we live near each other, and I thought we’d developed a strong friendship. They’ve worked at the company a little longer than I have, I’ve been working there since August. We’ve only been friends really since Januaryish when I got promoted.
Anyways they kept requesting we hang out together outside of work, I didn’t see this as odd because we’ve hung out together outside of work as a friend group, I have many friends at my job and we usually do group outings or parties, so it wasn’t odd to me that they wanted to hang out. The day they wanted to go out, none of my roommates were available to go with. 2 out of 3 of my roommates (25 M, 23 F and 25 M) work at the same business. So I went with them on my own, they seemed ecstatic that it was just the 2 of us. I picked them up and we initially just planned to go to the mall. We walked around, talked, bought stuff and eventually had lunch.
They kept staring at me which I found awkward but figured because we’re both autistic that I was uncomfortable with the eye contact or they just happen to make a lot of eye contact. They also keep walking really close to me and “accidentally” bumping my hand. After the mall they still wanted to hang out so we went to the thrift store and had a lot of fun making fun of the silly knick knacks, we both love Fallout New Vegas so they were looking for a jacket that looked like Benny Geckos from the game.
After that they still wanted to keep hanging out, at this point I was pretty tired but figured we were having fun. It’s hard for me to say no, and I use a cane for chronic pain so I usually need to take a frequent number of breaks which we hadn’t done yet but they hadn’t picked up that I was tired yet. I was having fun and at this point they did apologize about keeping me out for so long, I said it’s ok because I like long friendship hangout days, which is not a lie, my body just doesn’t enjoy it as much.
Next we went to get boba and they bought me a drink, at this point they had paid for none of my stuff, we split the food earlier and I lightheartedly threatened them to not spend money on me. When we were in the boba shop, they once again kept staring and moving their hand towards mine. I deterred this because it made me uncomfortable by talking with my hands which I usually do anyways. They were nice and listened to me infodump to them about tmnt (tmnts my special interest) but still continued their staring. I kept getting in my head that they were just being nice and I was ruining things thinking that they had ulterior motives.
I forgot to mention that they have a boyfriend (27 M), but they had offhandingly mentioned that they were poly. We then went to a gaming shop to look at dnd and pathfinder stuff, I had to pee incredibly badly at this point but they ignored my subtle pleas to leave, which understandably was my fault as I said I could hold it at the boba shop.
At this point I’m exhausted and in a lot of pain so I suggested we end our hang out after finding a bathroom. They still insisted on hanging out longer so I suggested they come to my apartment cause at this point I’d run out of stuff for us to do. This is where things got a bit uncomfy. My roommates were all home at this point but all left briefly to go pick up food. My roommate who I share a room with requested I don’t bring my friend into our room while she was in there, but gave me the go ahead to show them our room once she and my other roommates left to get their food.
I like showing my friends my collections whenever they come over so I saw no inappropriate reason to do the same. I have some Dnd, Fallout and Tmnt stuff I wanted to show them. I did my normal showing off my stuff thing. At some point I walked them over to my desk to show them my figurines, my desk is in a corner by my closet and bed so you can only go up to it from 1 side, I talked for a bit and noticed I was cornered. I have past trauma and hate being cornered, I kept making attempts to hint that I wanted to get out of the corner but they stayed firmly in place, even leaning with their hand on my desk to further block me in which I thought was strange.
Eventually I manage to slip by them by saying I wanted to show them my shelf on the opposite side of the room. The shelf is lower and next to my bed so I sit down to point things out. They then ask if they can sit down as well. I say yes and they proceed to sit down directly next to me, our thighs are touching firmly and they lean in on my bed with their arm behind me. I’m once again cornered and panicked now. I have a thing with my thighs where I HATE anyone touching them, it causes a violent reaction, my brain screams at me to bite, punch or claw anyone who touches them, I feel sick and absolutely enraged whenever it happens. I’ve been SAed in the past but even before that I had that reaction, my therapist says it might be a trauma response from childhood that I don’t remember.
I didn’t want to hurt them and luckily I have the violent outbursts completely under control so I just stiffened up and internalized the rage while trying to steady my breathing. They obviously know nothing about my trauma because we haven’t been friends for very long. So I continue talking about my 2003 rerelease tmnt figures and let them continue to touch me while trying not to cry.
Luckily my roommates return, and I immediately get up and leave my room to greet them. At this point I’m incredibly uncomfortable and wanted them out. But I felt bad if I suddenly kicked them out and I also was their ride. We decided to watch a movie in the living room, I sat in the couch corner and they decided to lay down on the rest of the couch while leaning up near me. One of my roommates picked up on the vibe and decided to join us for the movie, the other two sat at the table where you can still see the tv to eat their food since there was no room on the couch.
I decided to crochet during the movie to help ease my nerves. Every once in a while during the movie I could see them staring at me. Once the movie was over I offered to take them home. When I dropped them off they asked if they could hug me, I gave them a nervous sure, when they hugged me they put their nose into the crook of my neck which gave me the ick.
I’m not sure if it’s just me but I hate whenever I want a friend or just want to hang out with a friend and they turn it into something more without asking me! I’ve been notoriously “manic pixie dream girled” my entire life and I’m sick of it. If you want to go out with me just make your intentions known and ask me on a date! I wouldn’t have said yes but I think they knew that and felt the need to trick me instead.
I’m also incredibly turned off by the fact that their boyfriend just had surgery for appendicitis and is also about to have top surgery this week too and instead of caring for him they’re trying to get into my pants.
The whole situation feels icky and I’m so sad cause I thought I found a cool friend. They’re trying to get me to hang out with them again (even though their boyfriend is having top surgery) and I told them I have therapy and college dumpster diving on my days off this week and they’re trying to get me to work around those.
I just want some advice, am I in the wrong for feeling weird around them now or should I see how this plays out. I usually stick to dating women and other nonbinary people so they’re technically in the range of people I can potentially be attracted to but idk. I haven’t been interested in dating a lot lately cause I’ve been working through my trauma in therapy for the past year. My roommates also thought the whole situation was strange and uncomfortable. My roommate also asked if she had ever done anything like that to make me uncomfortable (she’s also amab like my friend), I reassured her she had never done that and that I feel very safe with her.

I believe im under serious spiritual attack I've been betrayed framed blamed falsely accused stolen from attacked hacked and anything u can think of ..but first ill explain a bit about me ..I'm 38 male and I live in Canada ..so looking back I can see that there was many times i was unjustly betrayed and always seemed to happen when I was vulnerable .for some reason I could only fall asleep late and suffered from sleep paralysis since I was little.. looking back this caused alot of problems with everything leading me to not do well in school but always felt like I don't understand I'm a good person I'm socially intelligent and can fix just about anything I always put myself last and remember spending alot of time being more excited about helping ppl get what they want and just overall assisting everyone but myself ..I don't know if this is relevant but moving on I would sometimes pray as a child and this I'll never forget while praying one night a crude immoral thought was almost pushed into my head ..it wasn't anything I was capable of thinking or understanding.it was vile to say the least and directed at someone who was the closest living being to an angel that a human could be ..now later in life I see it for what it was ..anywho fast forward things were normal or what I thought would be normal but as I got older the pressures of maturing and me not having the life skills/opportunitys I would lose jobs i would get fired for bullshit reasons or but mainly cause of my own choices but I came to a point where I found myself isolated and at that time no matter what I did there would be something or someone and I even said to myself ..I swear it's like there's an unseen force manipulating everything shutting every door on me it became more than coincidence and that went on for a year and it caused me to become sad about my situation and one day I was supposed to go to work but the guy never showed up when he volunteered to pick me up ..I needed to work cause I had nothing i had enough I started crying and openly ask God to help me from the deepest part of my heart ..this is where my whole understanding of the world changed ..I felt like I was becoming claustrophobic..and then I heard bells from the churnh down the street but it was so loud it was like the bells were in my room with me ..I felt I had to get up so I went down to the half set of stairs and did a circle in the living room ..and went back up to the room at the top of the stairs I stopped cause I felt something that I could only describe as being near radiation or something ..if uve ever taken a hot to the head that bright purple u see with brightwhitelight almost vibrating me with pins and needles behind me I didn't turn around its like I wasn't suppised to but in a knowing I felt a hand reach out and touch my sholder and i tecieved a msg and i knew who it was ..the msg was clear I may have even spoken it tto myself it said yours is a hard life but you will be ok or something to thst extent. i feel like another msg was inside that msg or that I had to pay special attention to the me part like as in it's I'm set apart or singled out that no one will help me it's my hard life and mine alone but ending the msg with I'll be ok I knew that this being is the final word and he knows exactly what will happen with me and confirmed I'll be ok through anything ...the fuzzy purple warm radiation seemed to back up and out back towards the stars the way he entered ..I was crying I've never cried like that before and I was a bit hysterical to be honest everything came back to normal. this experience changed my life I wrote it down in detail it was 4 pages that eventually went missing like every other document I had .. I pondered the whole day and he was guiding my thoughts through the night I came to a realization that I've had a have demonic interest in me since I was born ..and more importantly that almost everyone has entity's attached to them and also that most people can be forgiven and that I can be forgiven because it's not just us that are guiding our thoughts processes ..I forgave everyone I was shown /reminded of trespasses against me and that I could forgive all the things that stuck with me ..I later learned the things that stuck with me was like a base of operations if u will and instantly gone within a 24 hour period..now I had eyes to see ..but wasn't prepared for wat I saw in the next 48 hours I began hearing voices and they began flashing images of who they were when id close my eyes I'll describe them the best I can ..they were like children but had features of someone who aged like well into adult hood but body's of 10 year olds ..bizarre little evil things but had a way of engaging my attention and always casting doubt at the time all this started many strange things in the physical started happening as well ..ppl were attracted to me they were everywhere like the first day I went outside about 3 days after the initial experience I was just sitting parked in the back this dark skinned male just appears around the fence walks right up to the window and starts talking about what am I doing and he's just been walking all this guy looked frantic and eyes so wide just looking around totally paranoid and more than concerning he pulled out a bag of cocaine and offered me the bag I said no and told him to take care of himself ..and he left and I shortly after.. I stopped for gas on my way to 7 11 and at the gas station I'm just getting myself together to go in and pay and I hear a cpl screaming at the top of there lungs grabbing and slapping each other clawing and decided to walk up 3 ft away and continue this domestic dispute ..I get out of there as fast as I could I make it to 711 and there's a girl standing outside she's really dirty and has no shoes on I walk by her and she follows me in she's skinny with knobby knees like the ones that speak to me ..I look at her she looks at me that same look as the guy that aporoached me 20 minutes earlier frantic and disturbed..I felt bad for both these ppl as they looked like there in the middle of some sort of episode.. ...I knew my life would never be the same .. these things knew I could see them and they hated me for it .. the feed on negative emotion it's a theory of mine that they can show them selves to anyone but if they expose them selves they risk losing their food sources .ppl really would come to God and not sin if they knew the power these things have in this world ..they run this world they really do ..but anyways there's so much more and I believe my story can help someone ..this was 5 years ago I've had ppl break into my house attack me steal everything loved ones betray and hate me with lies totally out of character stuff my brother died because of this I shared everything with him and he actually took up drinking and became the most disrespectful person I've ever seen all within a few months of me sharing everything with him. he's the only one that believed me ..the enemy himself visited me one night of debate out of the 2500 I've experienced since..spoke to me in tongues that I understood I recall what he looks like...he spoke so fast and to be described in a few words ..frantic like he something just happened he couldn't believe and was so enraged fueled by a sense of loss ..surprised rage loss realization ..like if a gambler had his life savings on red and black but it lands on green ..if that makes sense ...so much and under 24 hr prosecution mentally and physically ..

I don't really no where to start. I feel I've lost myself, consumed with anxiety and guilt and fear and regret and I fear, this new fear, that it's going to be the end of me if I don't start to get it out in some way, shape or form.
I guess I'll begin at the beginning...
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I had a difficult childhood with fairly neglectful parents. A mother who openly expressed she never felt she really stepped into her mom shoes until she gave birth to my younger sister, who is three years younger than me. She is my only sibling. My mother told me when I was a kid that she "had to love me", but when my sister came around "she was finally a mother and over the moon", or simply "I always always wanted a girl". I'm not sure if this could be attributed to Post-partum depression, not that she ever researched that or was daignosed with it. That's probably just me trying to pardon my mother or something to the effect. She was 17 when she had me and I'm sure times were different then, my parents both were raised religious, father christian, mother mormon. Maybe their guilt. I ask myself why they brought me into this world if I wasn't wanted to begin with. Or, give me up for adoption to a set of guardians that would have loved me better. I know I was an accident and that's not what gets me down, I get that life be lifing and what happened happened. My difficulties stem from the feeling that my presence never gave my mother any sense of purpose, responsibility or love, or concern. She was emotionally unavailable to me virtually my entire life and I feel like that caused many issues later in my life and how I perceive myself and what I deserve. Coupled with the fact that my neglect met such extremes that I am frankly shocked that I was never picked up by child care services, maybe things were different in the 90's. I'm not sure, I was just a child then.
Much of my upbringing I didn't receive a lot of the things most people would consider essential. As a baby my crib was the sock drawer, then I grew large enough to have a closet, then slept on the floor of a walk-in closet, then I had a single bed from what I recall for maybe a year or maybe two years and I remember feeling metal springs poke me in the my ribs and I recall it being uncomfortable enough for me to move back to sleeping on the floor next to the ratty old used mattress my father found from who knows where. I remember feeling like I had to keep that secret, that the mattress they gave me was uncomfortable enough for me to sneak sleeping on the floor next to it. I think I was really afraid as coming across as ungrateful. My father came from a third world country, so the "gratefullness issue" was address frequently by my mom because "I don't have it even half as bad as what my father had to endure. And she was probably right. But it just silenced me ultimately, didn't put things into a mature context for me. I just learned that I can't complain about anything ever. Anyway, that trend didn't really change when I grew older. grade 9-10 I was sleeping on the living room couch so my sister could have privacy and a bedroom to exist in for herself - which I realize is important for an individual so I encouraged her to have the bedroom. Although I figured my parents expected me to do this for my sister regardless. I was okay with making sacrfices for those I love, it was instilled in me from a very very young age.
I do feel like my father took advantage of me in the form of labour as well, having to do custodial work with my father from 10pm to 3am, at two highschools I believe he was contracted, at that young age I honestly enjoyed just spending time with my father I think, working alongside him. When I was in grade 2 and 3 I had garbage bag duty for all the students bathrooms, and I remember loving snapping the bags open by rushing air into the bag and making it blow up like a baloon. I remember the scary unlit shadowy hallways that I couldn't perceive the ends of. No bodies to see, it felt eerie but exciting in a way - like it was a whole different world.
School was a different experience for me. It was very stressful, my parents had to move a few times a year because they would dodge rent or just generally be selfish with their dual income. They loved to party hard on the weekends. I remember wondering why my father did this to himself all the time. Hoping that we could spend quality time on a saturday, but he wouldnt get out of bed until just before dinner. I didn't really understand hangovers or alcoholism and how it meant our plans would get cancelled. I think I remember trying to wrap my head around willful self-poisoning for entertainment and how could that be more enjoyable then spending time with your son? I couldn't tell my mother why I was so sad about it. Why I didn't want to move again and again and again. Why I found it so difficult to make new friends everytime I had to switch schools. Why I couldn't just do one single full school year with one class of students. It was so hard and at the time, I didn't know anything different. It was so hard to make friends and I think it created this approach to making a "new family" of friends when I became a teenager and young adult.
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I remember always wanting to be a "good kid". The "best kid" for my parents. I feel like my parents attached this moniker to me that made things harder for me to mature into a rounded adult later in life. My parents always flaunted me as this point of accomplishment, the accomplishment that I was "so extremely well behaved". I would strive to be super polite, and a good host, try to help out when my parents had their friends over, literally fill their cups when the opportunity presented themselves. I think I did this because I must have made the conclusion that if I was quiet, super polite, helpful and useful then I had value. That I could be loved. That I could earn this love from my parents through acts of service.
I remember feeling like my sister and I had extremely different experiences growing up. When my parents were at work I took care of her, cleaned and cooked. one time my sister told my mom to eff off when she was 5 and I was 8. My mind was blown. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had the bravery and courage to defy my mother. Looking back, my sister was just mirroring the language she learned from my parents from whenever they fought. I remembering seriously worrying and getting scared that my father was going to belt her, or use the coat hanger, which was his preference with me. I feel like my mom was always checked out and I'm hurt that she allowed my father to take his rage out on me. That my mom could care less about me being beat, but never my sibling. It was very confusing and difficult for me to process. Not that I really processed it much as a kid. I honestly just wanted to be loved and be the best child possible. Honestly though, 'm seriously so glad that my sister was spared all of that complete non-sense. I don't wish that on anyone in the world. There were some punishments where he would walk in and tell me to pull my pants down without explanation. I have memories of tearing up and saying I didn't know why this was happening, asking what I did wrong and he would just remind me that if I resisted then I would get it worse and to hurry up and get ready. My father has since apologized. I think it is how he was raised. I didn't know what to say in response, but I told him I loved him and it's in the past. But I don't know if I was being honest when I said that. My mother would still gaslight me to this day if any of this became topic of discussion, not that I'm guessing. A year ago she told me that much of my pained memories were false and this never happened. My father on the other hand typically stays pensive and unchallenging.
It seems so damned crazy writing all of this out, it feels like a heartbreaking novel and not my life at all. But it was and is my life. I have difficulties opening up and expressing my feelings and advocating for myself when the moments are true and appropriate to do so. I know it's the healthier way to communicate, but I was literally taught to stay quiet and be useful. Fast forward 20-25 years and I'm going to be 35 and I feel like just ending it all. Every year my birthday passes and I'll get a text from my family happy birthday. But they know I'm in a difficult place, they know I miss them, they know I love them and forgive them, I try the high road whenever I can but I just don't see the point anymore. they won't celebrate my life and existence, but they'll throw family gatherings for each other, birthdays, christmas, fathers day and mothers day.
On that note, another mother's day has recently passed and my mother never invited me over, I texted my father three weeks in advance in hopes of securing a time to come over and celebrate my mothers life with my family as a family. I felt particularly stung this mother's day when they celebrated and didn't text or call to invite me over. I live in the same small town so it's easy to hop over. I literally live three blocks away.
Anyway, my mother was diagnosed with cancer over christmas this year and I have been worrying for my mother ever since and thinking about my life with her and the mortal coil and the finite mount of time I may have with her. I feel like there is a large empty part in my heart that wishes my mother and I could go grab a coffee together. She can show me her ipad app art that she has been really excited about for a couple years now. She loves showing off her digital art and I love seeing her joy and how proud she is about her art. I just don't know why she couldn't feel the same for me, her only son. Maybe I'm just a her dissapointment.
I dropped out of highschool and left the family home when I was 16. I just couldn't work for my dad during the night AND go to highschool AND socialize. Something had to give. Unfortunately it was highschool and my parents didn't really care about that at all. They were just... fine with it. they supported my sister through college and she was fortunately able to graduate with a veterinary degree of sorts. she still lives with them now as she pays off her student debt, but I left and travelled and worked on music for over a decade so I admit that I was entirely out of the family picture for some time. But as I get older, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of my parents I fear that that is precisely what's been creeping up in my life.
five years ago I met the absolute most wonderful human being and I am so lucky to have my partner in my life. She and I are engaged now and set to be married. I hoped that the news would overwhelm my parents with excitement and joy. Maybe a facebook post about their son, share some family pictures or something. But they did nothing at all. I think they showed off pictures of the trip to Mexico that week instead.
I just don't really understand how I'm this unworthy of their love and unfortunately now I'm realizing that illusion that I am unworthy has infected my relationship with my fiance. I love her so much but when I can't fix everything in her life I feel like I am the failure and the guilt overhelms me so much and the guilt is such a strong motivator for me, and it usually motivates me into becoming the biggest doormat in the world. I've never worked harder for a relationship or invested this much energy. I feel she deserves it. But I don't advocate for myself. So I build up resentment. Like I clean the house constantly and work and help bail out of her bad spending habits and cover her rent without question and this and that. To be clear, she doesn't take advantage of me and that's not how I feel about it. But I do let this annoyance build up inside of me because I don't know how to communicate my feelings in a healthy way. I'm scared I'll lose the person if I speak up, or I'll be gaslit. Again, that's not my partner that gaslights. That's just generally how I feel I'll be treated if I open up with people. It all goes back to my childhood. It's affected every friendship and work relationship I've had since.
When I was 20-ish, 15 years years ago I did the classic, "seek the relationship that most comfortably fits into the patterns you experienced with your parents". And so I trapped myself in a horrific and extremely damaging relationship with a girl I'll call K. She has undiagnosed bipolaBPD, she would never seek help but self-medicate. She ended up in the hospital maybe four times for self-harming and this where she was considered to have these diseases by a few doctors on different occasions. Anway, it turned into a relationship of abuse and it wasn't exactly new territory for me. I was ashamed in that 8 year relationship. I wanted out so bad, but she would threaten to unalive everytime I tried to get away. Of course, some weeks would go by and i would get my hair pulled out of my scalp, a knife waving in the air in front of my face, spat in the face, kicked, punched, bit, a pot of freshly boiled ramen soup thrown in my face and eyes. What's worse is that I seeked police intervention on multiple occasions. Every single time the police visited, they talked me out of pressing charges, asking me " well if she doesn't have any place to go, then do you have a place you can stay at, or the shelter?". twice they talked me out of a restraining order, that legal proceedings would take forever. Adn de-escalting me from wanting to take measures to ensure my safety because she may end up on the street as a result. To this day, I absolutely wish I advocated for myself here and pushed for a restraining order. I'm so mad at myself for not doing so.
Unfortunately, fast forward a couple years into that relationship and one evening everything would finally hit the fan. I told her to never touch me again and I absolutely meant it. she had just yanked out the largest chunk of my hair to date, to the point where my scalp was bleeding and I could even see epidermal matter still attached to the folicle ends that were in her clenched fingers. My head bled a bit and I pushed her off of me. Telling her that I needed to leave, that I was walking to my secure jam space just a 10 minute walk away. It had a leather couch in a cold concrete basement, but hey at least I would be safe for the night and I could play my drums and try and blow off this anxiety and fear in a way that was safe albeit very noisy.
She hated that I wanted to leave and convinced herself I would never return. To be fair, that was the energy I had. I never wanted to see her face again and have her name on my lips after that night. So her tactic was simple, to threaten me with calling the cops and tell them that I violently pushed her. I called her bluff and said "go ahead and I will just tell them everything you've done - yet again. All I am doing is going to the space to sleep, I said, maybe play drums." She called the cops and told them she was pushed into a wall, and she felt very unsafe. Which yes, I did push her off me when she attacked me. In the past, I tried various tactics, to run away didn't work, she just always chased me down. Or sometimes I would just sit there while she was violent against me and I just "dissapeared" kind of like how I would when my dad used his coat hanger. This time, I just pushed her off of me, I was done with the relationship at that point and we both knew it. Anyway, she called the police, they arrived and when questioned I told them that I pushed her off of me in self-defence. I was drinking that night and it didn't help my case as I was arrested without question that evening and I was charged on the spot without question with domestic assault. It devasted me. I asked the police how this could happen lawfully. That she is an abuser and there is a history of this multiple times. That I've requested a restraining order. They explained that in quebec the laws are a little different and in the case domestic cases, if there is a male aggressor against a female, then the male is automatically charged to the fullest extent. I was absolutelyu devasted by this. I can't tell you the amount of fear and anger I felt in that jail cell that night.
I feel so incredibly betrayed by the justice system, keep in mind, this is law that from what I understand is only in Quebec, I was there for music at the time with an old friend whom I am no longer in contact with. I don't think the rest of the country operates under law in this way. Now I appreciate that they are vigilant about woman abuse victims, but the law shouldn't be this absurdly biased. It just doesnt feel just and fair to me. Covert abusers shouldn't be able to take advantage of the justice system in this way, but it happens.
It was an awful experience, I was homeless for a couple months afterward, not allowed to retrieve my belongings, so I lost all of my life "crap" that I had built up, years of hardwork and investment. I mention this because I realize later in life that I have intense collecting behaviour. maybe as a self-soothing behaviour. But I love building up collections of my hobby stuff as I have many and I feel they keep me regulated and it's a form of therapy for me. In any case, I lost everything when I left that whole situation. It sucks, although ultimately it's clearly best that I got out of that dreadful circumstance. I flew across the country to my hometown and to be closer to my family and old friends from highschool. It's quite a small town mind you.
Unfortunately, my classic tendency to hide and not advocate for myself created an opportunity for my abusive ex. A year following those events, despite me assuring her that I had to block her because I flew away to start a new life provinces away. That I wished her the best. That I even promised I would never tell a soul what she did to me. Not to mention that unfortunately we live in a society where nobody really has an ounce of sympathy for a male abuse victim. I had every intention to keep that promise, but she couldn't trust me ultimately. I think her logic was maybe to just beat her ex to "the punch". Kill or be killed or something like that. I don't live my life like that so I don't really know what her plan was. But she made a bunch of posts on various social media platforms for all of our mutual friends, music friends, coworkers etc. that the relationship was over and she was free. That she got out of a cycle of abuse and she was ready to start a new chapter of her life. She never used my name, just that she was glad she got away from her toxic and abusive ex once and for all.
It was exactly like that night a year prior, she threatened me with this outcome she could design for me, and I called her on her bluff by saying I was still going to block her and I can't control what she does with her life or how she conducts herself, but that I was out and to never contact me ever again. She made me regret that decision.
The posts she made that day got so many likes and support from so many of our mutual friends, even musician mates that were closer to me than her, and it absolutely destroyed me, not just internally but socially. I no longer make music anymore and it hurts to go outside into the world because it feels like everybody sees me as this monster. And still I don't have a voice to inform anyone otherwise - except my family and my fiance. I have no friends anymore. They all left my life with the belief that I did all of these horrible and awful things.
I just don't trust people anymore as a result and it's just caused me to become extremely bitter and depressed. I ruminate on the past, maybe in attempts to fix the past so I can move on. So I could do better, so I don't have to punish myself for my mistakes in the past. But it just reopens every emotional wound I have and they never get a chance to heal. That was maybe 7 years ago now and I'm still replaying these events in my head every single morning for about 1 - 2 hrs. Then I go completely numb for the majority of the rest of the day, shallow breathing, and the mildest sadness that mascarades as fatigue and disinterest.
There are some days where I seriously fear for the future and I just feel like every cruel soul will inherit this earth and that's the future, they built this world of suffering and they deserve to inherit it. Their toxic flag staked so deep into the earth in reclamation. The future isn't holding any seats for people like us. I'm so heartbroken and defeated. I feel like white-wolfing my fiance because she deserves better than this traumatized person that hides from the world. I feel like giving her my collection of collections so she can sell it all off and pay off her 10k of credit debt, then with this act of kindness I can go out not feeling like a guilt-ridden defeated loser. And leave on a high note.
When I'm alone, I get trapped in these ruminating cycles and it's the angriest I ever get. It's reached the point where I feel like I am actually reliving all this past trauma every morning and I can't do it anymore. I just feel like I am so at the end of whatever this ride was.
I don't have any friends anymore and everyone but my fiance thinks I am a monster and it's just unbearable.
I just don't even know. I am even afraid that someone will read this post and suss through all of this and make the connection. Then I'll get another new email or random throwaway account with an insta message that says "I told you you would never be able to get over me. You can move on, but you will never be able to erase the past. Never truly. You know where to find me."
It's haunting and it's poisonous. I just feel haunted and poisoned and I don't know if there is a snake oil potent enough or antitode true enough to get me back to the generous, lighthearted, energetic kid I once was.
To whoever was willing to read through all of this, thank you for hearing me out. I don't know what advice I am even asking for here. I'm hoping just speaking this out into the world in some way can alleviate this misery. I don't know.

Preamble

This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post so bear with me. I am going to get into boons, arcana cards, vows, and weapon/equipment choice in this post and how I eventually was able to clear the underworld at 32 fear. All of this is in context of the build I am going for and the weapon I am using. Different vows, cards, etc. may be better for different weapons and playstyles. This is not a definitive guide and I have only beaten it once so far and by sticking to one weapon during my attempts. I enjoy writing about stuff like this and hope that this can possibly help y'all.
I finished the surface on my 23rd run and then the underworld on the next for reference. I just now cleared the underworld at 32 fear on my 143rd run. Of those between were me completing testaments, trying out weapons/aspects, and chaos trials. I attempted 32 fear a total of 36 times before I finally got it. Total in game time according to steam is 74 hours lol (I had a four day weekend and my gf is out of town so this is pretty much all I did).
Proof of run

Weapon/Aspect: Momus Staff

Firstly you want to get enough resources to unlock and fully upgrade the aspect, I think 10 total nightmare? Giving your special +30 power. I wouldn't bother 32 fear until you can get it all the way up.
For a few runs while I was using the skull with Melinoe/Persephone aspect, as I was trying to complete the 20 fear testament simultaneously. Stopped since I decided I wasn't really comfortable with the skull and switched to Melinoe's staff. Did that for a while and then saw this video and decided to give the Momus staff a shot, where i then won in 7 runs after switching. It also probably helped that I changed around some vows around this time, more on that later.
Watch the video for a breakdown but essentially you want Poseidon special + legendary boon, and ideally the double moonshot hammer that gives your special 2 more projectiles that seek. He switches his binds for left and right click but I did not, up to you.
Took a minute to get used to but essentially I just spammed speciall the entire time in fights, kiting enemies when necessary. I used my cast defensively to root enemies and create space mostly until I got a 3 specific boons, more later. Did not really use omegas at all, as I turned off the magick regen card and turned on the vow that removes your magick at the start of each encounter. If I did gain some magick, I would only use it for the omega special to regain some health when it was safe in fights (5 healing if you are near it when it explodes).

Arcana Cards

This is what I used but some may find other ones more to their liking. I will explain my choices below. Be sure to upgrade these to their max potential. The descriptions that I give are referencing their maxed out bonus. I almost exclusively used my charon cards (obol points) to order 8 moon dust in the camp to upgrade faster. Also having 30 grasp is required so be sure to get that maxed out too. Just playing the game should get you there. Gathering bones and completing minor prophecies are helpful in getting more moondust and nightmare faster to upgrade your cards and aspects. I have starred the one's that I think are almost absolutely necessary.
Arcana card choices
I. The Sorceress: Not using omega moves with this build for the most part, mainly chosen to just fill out the top row to awaken the divinity card.
II. The Wayward Son: +2 health (with 50% healing reduction from a vow) is definitely helpful, some much needed passive healing.
* III. The Huntress: +50% attack and special damage when you have less than 100 magick is probably a must have. Especially in my vows set up where I pretty much never have any magick.
IV. Death: Also to just fill out the row for divinity, not really using omega moves.
* V. The Messenger: +10% dodge chance is a lifesaver.
VII. The Titan: More health (and magick) is helpful for the early game before you get any centaur hearts.
* X. The Lovers: 0 damage from bosses for 3 hits is absolutely nuts, this was a whole keepsake in the last game. Attacks that miss you from dodge or daze from Apollo don't count towards a hit as well.
XI. The Swift Runner: Just generally helpful for kiting and running around, especially with increased enemy movement from a vow.
* XII. Eternity: 3 death defiances are absolutely essential probably in any playthrough unless you are a god at not getting hit ever.
* XVIII. Origination: Enemies with 2 curses take +50% damage is fantastic and helps to absolutely shred through them
* XXII. The Champions: 3 chances to reroll boon choices among other things is pretty much a must for run consistency. I would mainly use it on my first Poseidon boon to get the special. Would also use again to try and get slip or blast damage one or legendary from him, also on Hestia to get her cast or the one that allows you to aim the cast (both possible prerequisites for their duo boon, more later).
XXIII. The Artificer: I slept on this one big time at first until I saw someone using it in a 32 heat run on youtube. Change a minor reward into a major one 3 times is fantastic and really helps in the early game. I would use all 3 in the first region for a chance to get a pom, heart, gold, boon, or hammer. I would almost put this one as a must but you do you.
XXIV. Divinity: 20% extra chance to get an epic boon. Activated by the full top row, its just nice to have to possibly get some more benefits out of boons.
Alternatives: Like I mentioned before I only activate I and IV mainly to activate divinity. You could lose them and go for IX Night (automatic charging for your hex) or XVI The Fates (+3 rolls to change location rewards). I feel like hexes are not all that impactiful personally (except for a couple). Also changing location rewards is a toss up, meh. You could also lose XI extra sprint speed to to open up 5 grasp and go for XV Stength (take and deal more damage at low hp), XVII The Boatman (get more gold at the start of the run), or XIX Excellence (higher % for rare boons offered), which all have valid arguments. In hindsight I think giving up those 3 for Stregnth or Excellence might be worth it, might try in future runs.

Oath of the Unseen Vows

Throughout my runs I experimented a lot with the various choices and found that the ones I chose are best for how I play. It is really up to you, this is just how I did it. I mostly messed around with damage taken, enemy spawns, and health, the rest pretty much stayed constant. I originally was using the 9 minute time limit per region for a majority of my runs until I switched aspects (and the 7 minute several times). I eventually decided that I was playing too aggresively to beat the clock and would lose most of, if not all my death defiances by Tartarus/Chronos, or earlier. I did still have decent amount of time to beat Chronos if I got there with the time limit, just the health and death defiance loss was too much. Here is what I went with and explanations for each, I starred the ones I think should be kept on and are relatively easy to deal with.
Vows Used
Vow of Blood (+3): Just don't get hit duh. No but seriously +60% damage to you hurts, a lot. I really wish I did not have to use this, but the alternatives I think are worse. As you play more you'll get better and learn attack patterns and how to kite effectively.
Vow of Dominance (+3): Enemies now have +30% health which is rough, but with no time limit, just take your time in killing enemies off safely.
Vow of Rebuke (+2): Enemies have 2 barriers before they can take damage, not too bad. Makes clearing enemies a bit harder, but with the poseidon boon, you apply two instances of damage with each hit. So only one special shot with the boon will clear the barrier, also the wave the shoots out of them helps to clear barriers of the other enemies.
Vow of Fury (+3): Enemies are 20% faster (and their projectiles too?! I'm pretty sure this is the case, I haven't played without it in a while so I'm not exactly sure). This one took some getting used to, not much I can say except just keep trying. Another +3 makes them 40% faster which I do not recommend. The screaming shades, wolves and their heads, thorny spinny guys in Oceanus, rats, and Chronos are all insane with 40% extra speed.
Vow of Suffering (+2): +100% for the first hit you take in each encounter. Same as Vow of Blood, its rough, wish I could go without it as well.
Vow of Commotion (+3): 60% more foes in encounters (does not affect the boss summons). Had this one a tier or two lower, or not at all, when I was experimenting with the time limit. The AOE from Poseidon definely helps here, just take your time to clear out enemies. It can get pretty bad in tartarus with the bags and skulls everywhere though so just be careful.
Vow of Haunting (+2): Enemies have 50% of spawning a revenant when killed which if left alone long enough will respawn them. These are annoying as hell but not terrible once you get used to it. On death a flaming green skull thing launches out of them and travels a bit of a distance, just run ovecollect them and they are negated, don't need to damage or whatever. Can sometimes be hard to spot if behind a wall or obstacle. Overall not that bad, its not the end of the world if you let them respawn. Definitely though go for the ones that would respawn an enemy that are hard/annoying to deal with ASAP e.g. rat spawning satyrs, wolves, any projectile shooting enemy. Sometimes I feel like rats almost always spawn a revenant which is annoying. I honestly think they should also rework this so that if an enemy respawns it can't have another revenant spawn.
* Vow of Wandering (+3): 25% chance for enemies to be from the next region. Really not that bad at all, just have to deal with some more annoying enemies with larger health pools.
Vow of Scars (+2): Healing is only 50% effective is not that bad. You only get +2 healing passively from the card now and a lot less from fountains and such, goes hand in hand with blood and suffering, you'll get better at not getting hit.
* Vow of Destitution (+2): Charon's shop (and wells) are 80% more expensive. You'll miss out some boons, healing, poms, hearts, etc. but its not awful, you will still gain a good amount of gold to usually buy a boon or something at the end of each region except Oceanus I found. Also with Poseidon in your god pool, he has some boons that can help with getting more gold like minor find doubling up, increased value of minor finds, and sunken treasure.
* Vow of Panic (+1): No more magick at the start of each encounter. In this build you don't really need it anyways so this is a freebie point of fear pretty much. Also if you decide to have the card that regens magick on it pretty much negates it after a little while.
** Vow of Forsaking (+2): This one might actually be beneficial. The two boon options you don't pick will not longer show up in your run. This is why I have the boon rerolls on, so I can guarantee to get Poseidon special on my first boon. Otherwise this helps to increase your chances of getting legendary or duo boons (if you have the prerequisites) since the boon choice pool is lowered after each pick. It is unfortunate though if both prereqs for poseidons legendary are in the given choices and you are out of rolls though.
* Vow of Arrogance (+4): Prime 10 magick for each level of rarity above common that you pick. Again, not using magick hardly in this build so doesn't really matter. Also in lower fear runs I have used this, it does not really matter all that much even when you are using omega moves.
Unused:

• Vow of Bitterness: Replace the first boon reward of each region with an onion (does not affect shop boons or trial of the gods rooms if they are the first ones you encounter). I tried this many times but it really just worsened run consistency. Also w a keepsake equipped after Erebus to guarantee a certain god's boon, that would become an onion if it was the first one I found, and then would not encounter that god again in that region.
• Vow of Desperation: Time limits for regions: 9, 7, then 5 minutes with increased fear for each increase in tier. Like I said, I stopped playing with this so I could play more carefully.
• Vow of Abandon: Negate all your arcana cards. Insane. Tried it once, it is just too much, the arcana cards are absolutely necessary I feel to clear 32 fear.

Boons/Hammers/Keepsakes/Familiar

Poseidon: Equip his keepsake at start, reroll for wave flourish (special) if needed and rarify. Afterwards look for slippery slope then crashing wave ideally. This primes you to get his legendary which gives +150% damage from splash effects to bosses. Other great ones are double up which is nuts that it can possibly double your hearts, gold, and poms you pick up. Ocean's bounty is nice to increase gold. Water fitness is pretty good if you can get 4 water elements to give you +100 health. Flood control is also nice for damage reduction.
Hestia: Equip her keepsake after Erebus if you did not already get her in your god pool (you get up to 4 gods like in Hades I). Ideally you want her both cast and glowing coal, which lets you aim your cast. Either of which in combination with slippery slope gets you access to Poseidon/Hestia duo boon scalding vapor whcih does insane damage over time. I'm not sure if you should prioritize glowing coal over her cast honestly, both have their upsides alone, but you do want both hopefully. With glowing coal so you can aim your cast since you will be fighting from a distance mostly (not always but in how I played this build I did for the most part), which can activate the steam cloud on foes with slip. Hestia cast is less safe and you need to be closer to enemies to get the steam cloud to activate, but it does more damage, continously applying steam on the enemy. Other boons like soot sprint are nice, almost like Athena's dash in the first game. Slow cooker infusion is alright but you may not get many fire elements to increase your base damage power. Flammable coating is great and helps to melt through armored enemies. Burnt offering is pretty nice to increase you health (and magick) pool if you happen to get offered to sacrifice a useless boon.
Other helpful god boons: Pretty much anything that can help apply another curse to enemies. Demeter and Aphrodite are probably the best since theirs are easy to apply without much effort like frigid sprint, gale force, glamour gain, and passion dash. The other gods require secondary boons to get a curse or your attack/special needs to give the curse, you won't really ever be using your attack and your special is reserved for Poseidon.
Hammers: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I remember in Hades I if you chose a specific hammer you would be locked out of other hammer choices that affect the benefitting move. If the same applies to this game avoid picking a hammer that affects your special for your first hammer if it is not double moonshot, and hope for it on your second hammer. The DPS from Momus staff is still great with spamming special without it (I won my run without it). You could also go ahead and pick up rapid moonfire or shimmering moonshot on your first one because they are pretty powerful too, and I also may be wrong about the hammer exclusion thing.
Keepsakes: So of course Poseidon first, always. Hestia second if you don't get her in your god pool Erebus. Up to you and what you like for Oceanus, maybe choose Demeter or Aphrodite. If I got Hestia I would generally use any one of the following:

• Engraved pin
• Gold Purse
• White Antler
• Crystal Figurine
• Silken Sash
• Aromatic Phial (be sure to pick it up before using the fountain)
• Experimental Hammer
• Transcendent Embryo

Once in the mourning fields I would typically go with the Lion Fang, or possibly one of the above maybe. Lastly in Tartarus I would either use Knuckle Bones (if I felt comfortable with my health and death defiances), Luckier Tooth, or Evil Eye (if Chronos killed me last).
Sidenote: Is Echo bugged? Or is my game just messed up? I was never given the chance to give her a gift so I've never gotten her keepsake :(
Familiar Toula: Sorry Frinos, but Toula is just superior. She gives you an extra death defiance which when upgraded fully gives you 40 health on death. Also upgrading her attack lets her attack more times before she takes a little catnap (cute). She does 99 damage with each strike which is not insignificant. You don't need to go out of your way to sprint over her whenever she is resting to activate her, if she happens to be where you are running it is just some nice extra little bit of DPS. She has actually killed a few bosses for me in my runs lol.

The Winning Run

So all of this information is from finally beating 32 fear. I followed this strategy in my head for the most part. I ended up not getting double moonshot, but did get rapid moonfire. Poseidon offered me both prereqs for his legendary in the same choice without any rerolls left unfortunately, chose slip of course. I did get the duo boon and both of Hestia's cast boons which was nuts. Also I got rare crop right after I got Poseidon's special so it became heroic by the end. I also got offered to sacrifice rare crop after it became heroic by hestia to get more health, and I was then offered it again at epic rarity which increased 3 other of my boons which happened to hit Hestia's cast boons. I did not get any other way to apply another curse other than slip unfortunately as well. Started Tartarus with 2 or 3 death defiances + luckier tooth and beat Chronos on my last life. Overall though, not a perfect run but it still worked. Would have been even more nuts if I got the right hammer, legendary, and another curse effect

TL;DR

Momus Staff good. More special projectiles hammer + Poseidon special + legendary + Poseidon/Hestia duo = nuts DPS. Arcana cards important, vows are tough.

uhh should i do the gender and age thing lol (23f) well.. like everyone else here i’m extremely suicidal. it’s like i’m in a constant state of planning my death.. it’s been this way since the year started. i mean i’ve been suicidal for as long as i can remember but never to this extent. i’ve planned to kill myself tonight lol but i’ve planned many times before, written MANYY notes.. but then i usually just sleep it off and go about my life like “normal”. this time feels different. i feel like i’ve been falling into a black hole and am finally reaching the singularity. the point of no return. no hope. no will to live or change. well ig i’ll list my reasons for doing this. 1. i’m a stinker… sounds silly but i’m being so fr 😭 randomly in eighth grade i started to stink?? it took me awhile to realize it was ME stankin up the school w my chemical warfare.. i think it’s some form of tmau??? well whatever this condition is.. it’s made my life a fucking nightmare. halfway through 10th grade i dropped out. genuinely couldnt handle the bullying anymore and i would get panic attacks constantly… not a good time for me… well i mean its not like it ever any got better lol.
Naturally if one smells like a dumpster fire constantly no one would want to be around you.. so of course i no longer had any friends. and i probably would’ve still had some friends if i didn’t completely turn my back to the whole world. after dropping out in 2016 i wouldn’t go back into society until 2023 when i got my first job. i still stink.. my family says i don’t to my face but i hear them say i stink when they think i can’t hear em… not sure why they lie but i digress.. doctors and therapist also can’t seem smell anything. but when i’m out in public or at work i’ll hear people in passing talk abt how bad i smell… my mom is convinced i have schizophrenia LMAOOO like i KNOWWW i didn’t imagine allll those kids bullying me in middle school and high school LIKE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I FUCKING WISHHHHHHH IT WAS ALL JUST IN MY HEAD!!!!! also i should note… this condition has absolutely NOTHINGGG to do with my hygiene.. I PROMISE!!!! i always make sure i’m extremely clean and well groomed.. im sure everyone who passes me thinks im some disgusting person who doesn’t bathe or wipe properly but that’s never been the case so pls don’t tell me to “just shower”… it’s not that simple though i really wish it was.
moving along.. 2. i have really bad intrusive thoughts and a problem with starring at things i shouldn’t be looking at… so the intrusive thoughts started like a year into my self isolation.. i don’t really want to say what type but they cause immense distress.. after every intrusive thought i contemplate suicide like that’s how bad they are. as for the starring thing.. 😞 i think its also ocd related. but i stare at boobs, butts, privates, and feet.. i’m not sure how to explain this coherently.. but it’s like I KNOWW i’m NOT supposed to look but then my body just decides to look anyways. it feels like i have ZERO control over my own fucking eyes. and i promise there’s no sexual intention?? behind my stares.. but no one on the receiving end would think that. and unfortunately my eyes look at everyone including family, kids, men, women, literally everyone. AND I FUCKIBG HATE IT I WISH I WAS BLIND. my sisters think i’m some pervert and how can i live with myself knowing i’m causing them to feel unsafe and uncomfortable??? i’m not doing it on purpose. i just want to stab my fucking eyes out. this is honestly one of the main reasons for wanting to kill myself. i don’t even know when it started or fucking how?????? OR WHYY?? why do i struggle with the rarest fucking things?? like is there genuinely someone else out there who unintentionally stares at inappropriate things??? FRICK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE!!!!!!!!

1. i’ve been molested at pretty much every age and have always been “sexual” from a reallly early age ☹️ started w my cousin doing things to me i didn’t understand.. then my sisters uncle would grope me and make me kiss him. and he would like lick???? my neck??? idk there’s also this memory of someone on top of me while i sleep… yknow… doing things.. i was 13 or so and for a long time i thought the shadow hovering over me raping me was like a demon… 😭😭😭 i deadass thought i was raped by a demon LOL but recently i’ve going through my memories and yeah… that was definitely a person.. no clue who it could’ve been ☹️ i was too drowsy to do anything and i woke up in a panic and checked my underwear but didn’t see anything so ig my kid brain came to the conclusion that it was a demon.. sorry for the run on sentences 😞

4?? this isntt really a reason but after self isolating for almost 9 years i’ve completely lost the ability to properly communicate w other people. like i’m so unbelievably awkward.. it’s torture 😭 also i think i might have autism idk forming friendships with others has always been a challenge for me. honestly i really don’t talk much. like i really don’t understand the back and forth conversations. everyone makes it seem so easy. but when it comes time for me to respond or initiate my brain goes completely blank. tv static. i hope someone out there understands how painful it is to WANT to talk and engage but your brain is limited to two boring ass unengaging responses. also i never seem able to say the right thing. i always come off as mean. ugh. what’s wrong w me.
oh i just remembered something… when i was in second or first grade my FULL sized dresser and box tv pretty much the size of me both fell on me.. tv hit the back of my head and by the will of god or something i managed to crawl out from underneath them.. now i went to hospital and had an x-ray done and it showed nothing but what ifffffff i had some sort of concussion that’s caused me to be this way????? i’m just talkin out my ass. but seriously why am i this way??? was i born this strange?? sigh.
i so desperately want to live a normal life. have friends. not stink. not stare unintentionally. but fuck i just don’t think that will ever be my reality. i’ve been stuck in this same cycle for 9 years. i’ve wasted NINE fucking years of my life. sometimes it feels like my brain never finished developing past the age of 13.. i’m already 23 and i’ve done absolutely nothing. no accomplishments no goals no dreams. it feels like im permanently stuck. so it often feels like death is the only way to escape my reality. im so lonely. but i don’t know how to be a friend. im lost. i want to go to college but like I STINK??? so i’ll just get bullied and outcasted again. y’all im stumped. i see no way out aside from death. but at the same time i’m scared there’s nothing after dying. so i live my whole life wasting away and finally decide to do something and kill myself but all that greets me after i’m dead is nothing. it all seems so bleak.
what if i’m just a bad egg?
i’ll be rlly surprised if anyone has read this far 💀 sorry any grammatical errors hehe i never graduated 🤓 this life fucking sucks so maybe in my next life i can be born as a cutieful pampered house cat… for now i think i’m just gonna go to sleep and let the cycle repeat. maybe one day i’ll find my way out of this hell. through death or something else. who knows. good night…

So we've been dating for 11.5 months, in which time we moved in together, met our friends and family, had trips, explored shard interests, and generally had a great time.
In that time, we've had 2-3 bigger fights, but even so they were not that bad: She had a small outburst in public while shopping and I raised my voice when we got back home; I made a joke in public which she was not comfortable with; she said that she was on the fence about having kids mid relationship, but it turned out that was because she is having trouble making longterm plans.
The rest of the time, since we first started talking, we've never spent a day not talking to each other via text or in person, and we never got tiered of it. We both do stuff for eachother: she cooks for us, sometimes I help; I've become tidier and help around the house sometimes (she has a thing for cleaning, but she toned it down); we say and show how much me mean for each other; we keep finding new activities to enjoy together; the sex is the best we've ever had, and getting better; etc.
So what the hell happened?
I was working from home, focused on work (I'm not a workaholic, quite the opposite). After finishing her remote work, she said she's going in the kitchen to put some chips in the oven and make some salads and I said ok and thanks.
Then time passed and she came upset at me, asking rhetorically if I couldn't smell the burnt food. I noticed it then and told her - I guess I got focused on my work, my sense of smell is pretty poor and put it out of my mind, thinking she would handle it. She said she went into the other room to talk to her mother and heard the timer go off (again, something I didn't hear and in all fairness, can barely be heard) but didn't do anything - I gathered she was expecting me to realize and handle it.
I need to mention that at no point did we raise our voice to echother.
I told her that it's ok and soon I'll finish work and help her with the cooking. She was still upset and asked angrily would I still do nothing if the house caught fire. I told her calmly that it wasn't the case. She then controlled herself and walked away, said she no longer feels like cooking, left the salads half done on the kitchen and, when I asked why she was getting dressed, said she went outside for shopping (which she did).
I let her go, figuring it was the best thing to do in the moment. Then, finished my work and called her after to ask what exactly she was planning to cook, so I can do it by the time she gets back. She told me and I told her I'll wait for her at home when she's ready to come back.
I made the food, she got back, I came at the door to welcome her, but she was barely acknowledging my presence and was interacting with the cat.
I let it go and asked if she wants to eat, and she said yes. She made some small talk about the cat, still being very cold, and I asked if she wanted to talk about what happened. She says she doesn't feel that we need to. I said that there is a little need, and she said she doesn't feel like it.
As you can imagine, I was pretty upset by this point, enough that it was starting to show. She proceeded to make small talk again, but I told her calmly that I wasn't interested. After finishing food, I told her I'll be going to the other room to rest and that she's welcome to join me (implied: if she wants to talk about it), but that it's fine if she doesn't (implied: if she needs more time).
Until the end of the day she never came to me and I told her I'll be going to bed, if she still doesn't feel like talking. She said ok and we slept separately.
This morning before going to the office, I asked again if she would like to talk. She said ok, and still coldly, basically the same things she already said, plus that she feels like she isn't heard and doesn't know if she wants to continue pursuing the relationship - my heart sinks.
I tell her that I'm not upset because she got angry (we had a few moments where she would have a quick burst of anger, but we were making progress), but that she was shutting me out instead of talking to me about it, like we usually do (she had trouble opening up in past relationships, and with me it was easier, but not all the time). She said that yesterday I was treating her like a child (???) and that it's best if we continue sleeping separately for a few days so she can rest better (she has some anxiety when sleeping and even slight noises can wake her up), though that's probably not the reason. At one point I asked her what she thought about yesterday while being alone, and she said that she was jealous of a neighbour that has a car and she has to commute (neither of us has a driver's licence, it's harder to get where we live, and we were planning on starting driving school together in roughly a month, after she got used to her new job). When I asked why she didn't use that time to think about our situation, she said that the world doesn't revolve around me.... She also said that she feels the relationship is too much work. I kept asking her what she means, but she just kept saying "i don't know".
Before she left, I told her that we've been happy for a long time, she told me how happy she was with me just the other day and love doesn't disappear in a single day, and that I love her. She said ok. I asked if she could say the same thing, and she said that she agrees that love doesn't disappear in a single day. I asked if she'd like us to at least hug, and she said she wouldn't like it but she'll do it if I need it. I said in that case I don't want it.
Then I changed my mind and told her I'll hug her anyway, before doing so. We cried a little, but she just said bye and left.
That's the long of it. I don't know if it's the external pressure, something I did or didn't do, anxiety because of the future, those damned burnt chips, etc.
She's not a bad person: she's usually very caring and very vocal about how happy she is and how much she appreciates me. She's also smart and tries to work on herself. She's one of only 2 girlfriends I've ever said "I love you" to, and the first one was my first love, ~15 years ago. I'm the first guy she ever moved in with because she wanted to and the first one she ever loved. We're also the envy of other couples with how good we are foto each other.
We both went to therapy in the past - myself in the past, for a few years, which helped, and herself for a few months at the middle of our relationship, which she said helped as well, but not as much as it could have.
We already know we want to marry each other (at least we did) and if we break up, I don't think we can find someone better for us.
TL;DR: We've been like soulmates for the past year but she suddenly got extremely upset/cold and says the rlationship might not be worth it.
I'm lost and heartbroken and I don't know what to do. It all just seems like a cruel joke. I don't understand what happened and I just want us to be happy - what should I do?

~A year and a half ago I had a really bizarre experience, and after months of being like, “Well that was weird” not thinking much of it, I chatted with other open-to-strangeness people and eventually heard a podcast that resonated a lot and had me considering this as a visitation or paranormal experience. I’d like to know what you think.
I had newly moved into my home, and was in the house completely alone this night. No people, no pets. It was a very high stress time of my life, which I mention because I seem to be more “open” to extraordinary experiences during those periods of “rawness.” (There are other stories that could go here.)
I fell asleep with a little green lamp on in the corner of my room, and at some point in the middle of the night started to wake up and become lucid enough that I was aware of a high pitched drone but was trying to go back to sleep. Over a few minutes of failing to get back to sleep, I started to wake up enough that I became fully aware of the high frequency sound in the room, almost like when something electrical is plugged in and you can just hear it. A neon sign kind of. Half asleep I thought, “What is that?” knowing nothing in my house makes that sound. I hadn’t moved, still lying there trying to fall back asleep, the frequency creeps louder, and eventually I’m fully awake and confused by it as it gets loud enough that it is consuming the whole room. It’s in there with me.
It stops, and I start to hear this rustling coming from behind me, near the little green lamp where my back is turned. I still have my eyes closed and haven’t tried to move but I’m fully conscious and just paying attention to what’s going on. The rustling sounds like two things are interacting with each other, it’s kind of a soft sound, carpety almost, and I imagine something like two Grimaces moving around each other lol. “What is that?” I think. I’m not feeling afraid, just confused and weirded out, and then I think, “What the fuck IS that??” And that’s when I feel the opportunity for Fear to arise, and I don’t really feel scared, but then it tries to find something to grasp to, and I get a flash of a sentence through my head that doesn’t feel like a thought from me but a message from someone else:
“Don’t be scared.”
The other sounds have stopped, I hear that message, and then I start hearing water swooshing gently, as if you’re just waving your hand underwater.
And then I just wake up. Or whatever it is. It feels like when you suddenly pop awake but I was just conscious a moment before. It does feel like there is a tiny almost indistinguishable gap between being conscious lying in bed and “waking up.”
I sit up, everything is silent, my lamp is still on, nothing in my room or with myself is abnormal. I don’t feel panicked or scared or like I’d been sleeping poorly. Just popped up. I think it was around 3:30 AM if I’m not mistaken? Not 100% on that, but it was the middle of the night.
I feel like this post is getting too long to describe the alignments I’ve come across since then, but truly for months I was just like “Huh that was weird” and really didn’t think it was anything extraordinary or feel freaked out about it. A friend made a comment about visitation experiences that made me go “Hmmm…” and the day after that I listened to an episode of The Duncan Trussel Family Hour with Chris Bledsoe that tripped me out and has left me with the possibility tucked away in my head ever since.
Thoughts? Documented similarities? Etc

She said she wanted to go home. She said I didn't care about her unless she was leaving. I was just trying to understand what was going on. She said she was going home. I accepted that she didn't want to stay with me then but it was raining outside. "Can I at least give you a ride? It's raining and cold."
Her answer? "Oh, so you want me to beg for a ride?"
What??? I just offered her a ride.
"If you really wanted to give me a ride, you would have said 'I am giving you a ride home, let's go.' Not made me ask for it."
Look, at this point, I'm just confused. I did drive her home, and she left my car without saying goodbye. I gave her the space she needed and cried on the way home.
But no. She said I was codependent. She said it wasn't good that I was sad just because of her emotions. So, ok, I decided to take her advice. I went to the event we were planning on going on with friends to distract for a few hours. Before I left, she texts me.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh sorry I was getting ready to go to the thing."
"Oh. Fun! I can't wait for the next time you feel like shit and I can go out and have fun."
"Sick. Thanks for that."
"💋"
And then she blocked me everywhere.
I distracted myself. Then I got home and I cried. And I screamed. And I hit my head against the wall and yelled I GIVE UP I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO GIVE. Just that day we had gone through a workbook and discussed what our greatest fears were from each other. Mine were sarcasm and suddenly leaving. She had done both and she didn't give a damn. She actively chose to hurt me. And if it were me 2.5 years ago, maybe I would have had the emotional control to hold it in, to deal with things. But I didn't. I am a shell of who I once was. And I never have the power to consider leaving unless I am fully drained and feel like I can't breathe, I can't stand, I can't live.
So I packed all of her things up. I dumped boxes into my car and I drove to her house. I wanted to talk.
I knocked on her door. She opened it.
"What are you doing here?"
"You won. I don't know what you were trying to win, but whatever it was, you won."
She just stared at me.
I waited for her to say something. Nothing. Then, finally...
"What do you want?"
There was no chance of conversation. No "I'm sorry for using the things you fear most because I knew they would dig in and hurt." No. Just a what do you want? What do I want? To not be hurt. I want to not be blocked for 12 or 24 or 48 or 72 hours with no idea of what's going on until you decide that you're willing to come back. I want to not be put in situations where you say you block me because you don't want a wall of text, but in reality you want to hurt me fast and hard and then run away so that you don't hear the consequences of your actions.
"Your things are in the car. Please get them."
"OK. But only if you promise not to talk to me while I do."
"Sure. If that's what you want I won't talk."
The next day we texted and discussed things. Things were... emotional. Then she disappeared and stopped responding. That would have been fine, had her sister not called me looking for her since she hadn't been able to reach her. My heart dropped. Had something happened? Had she done something? I told her sister, "Hey, bad timing, but you should probably just go check her in person." And then, "And, not my business, but if you find her can you just let me know she's safe? Nothing else, I just want to know she's ok." Her sister said "Of course."
Queue to a few days ago. She asked me to hang out with her in person for a jazz thing. I said hey, look, I am very emotional right now. I want to see you but I can't today. Maybe we can talk in a few days?
Apparently that was the wrong answer.
"Honestly I'm just going to come get my stuff."
She did. And then she said "Leave me alone," so I did.
But I had no idea where we stood. Was this just another week-long block? I messaged her 4-5 days later.
"Hey, I just want to know if the plan is to go no contact or if there's a chance of staying friends or coming back to this in the future so I know whether to start grieving or not."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Sorry I don't want to be a bother I just want to know so I'm not on edge."
She called me. Man, that was hard.
I did my best not to cry. She asked me why I was crying. I said "Because you're my best friend and I don't want to lose you." She laughed. "You're the one that did this." She laughed. She laughed. She laughed.
I asked if theres a chance we would be able to either stay friends in the future or maybe come back to the relationship down the line after we had both worked on ourselves. She said "As long as you don't get emotional or controlling when you see me go on trips with other people."
Ow.
OK, maybe not. But what about controlling?
"You're trying to control me."
"What? When?"
"You're messaging my sister."
"I texted her once because I wanted to make sure you were safe." I then sent her the screenshots to prove this.
"You're contacting my family to try and control me. After we broke up."
"That was the day we broke up."
"LIES."
"What? That was Sunday?"
"You dropped my s*** off on saturday night. You texted my sister on sunday."
"Oh. Sorry. I guess it was saturday. Sorry, everything's been blending together in this wall of confusion and pain."
She laughed.
She said "Look, I'm just not going to be there for you anymore emotionally when you're never there for me."
"What was I supposed to do that night you wanted me to drop you off. Like, what was the best outcome?"
"Come over and hug me. Hold me."
"You said you didn't want to be next to me. You said you wanted me to take you home. And when I pulled in you just got out of the car and left without saying goodbye. Was I supposed to follow you into your house after all that?"
She changed the topic.
"But instead you chose to go have fun with your friends."
"Was I supposed to go home and cry alone? Can I not distract? I am not even sure why this started in the first place I am so confused and just wanted to stop crying and distract and go to this thing that you had made me confirm my attendance to just an hour prior to you leaving."
"Must have been nice having fun." She laughed loudly. "OK I have to get ready for work. Bye."
And then she hung up.
The amount of pain I felt in that moment. The amount of guilt. I did this. Even she said it. This was my fault my fault my fault. I shouldn't have reacted by dropping her stuff off. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't it was my fault.
But I had nothing left. She stopped caring about me so quickly. She laughed when I cried.
I sent her a final message and went no contact. I final sorry to top off the mountain of apologies I had given her over the last two and a half years.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just trying to stop hurting myself. I will love you forever and if you ever need me you know where I live and are always welcome in. I feel that I am causing you pain and maybe resentment so I will let you move on to somebody better for you now. Goodbye."
And then I went no contact.
It's been a few days now and the pain comes and goes. Sometimes it's unbearable. Sometimes it's replaced by anger. And sometimes I just wish she would have given my my shirt back, the one passed down to me from my mother, the one I held near and dear to my heart that she would steal to wear. She has the rest of my stuff but really all I want is the shirt and I'll be at peace. But I've now initiated no contact on my end so perhaps my shirt and what it means to me is gone. Maybe she threw it away already. I don't know.
And these emotions come and go and sometimes I laugh and then the laugh turns into a gasp as my chest is stabbed with the most agonizing pain I can imagine and I feel like a fish out of water, making ungodly noises as I hope to black out and make the pain stop. And sometimes I imagine her coming back through my door like she used to, walking in and kissing me and picking me up and carrying me to bed and laying me down and holding me, her skin against mine, her lips against mine, her soul against mine.
But now, when that happens, I just need to remember one thing:
She laughed.

I have been having a chronic depression after this game. Here's the lyrics to the ending credit song if you didn't search it up already, so y'all can feel depressed again with me.
The translation probably isn't the best, since there are words and metaphors that don't translate word for word. But I think the lyrics of the ending OST is basically the description of how people generally feel after finishing a deep, emotional story that leaves behind lingering feelings. You feel glad that the story is finished, but you also don't want it to end at the same time. It also leaves you asking for making, waiting for the next story.
You can also look at it from Mari's perspective and how she felt, trying to find her father by investigating Mago, and finally meeting him towards the end, she was glad but sad at the same time because she had to part from him again. She finally moves on at the end, leaving him as a distant memory in the past.
작품-"play(or work of art, literature, etc)" probably means the story of this game. "Spring of the next play" probably can be seen as Mari finally meeting her father after so long. "curtain falling" can be seen as her parting again, feeling relieved and sad at the same time. And so on.
[Verse 1]
Maybe we all have roles to play
As we sync our steps on the stage, we turn another page
The curtain call is over, and we sit around a bonfire
And old dusty fond memories suddenly come to visit
[Chorus]
Will the spring of the next play finally come? I've waited and waited
Will I miss it when the curtain falls? It was relieving, yet sad
The ending means that it will begin again
Forgetting also means leaving space for the next to come
[Verse 2]
Perhaps I wanted to continue that story
Still searching for traces of the play that already ended in front of the blue lights
The mainstring that can't be rewound has fallen into a deep sleep
And the faint lights and the lyrics of the play will come back to find me again
[Chorus]
Will the spring of the next play finally come? I've waited and waited
Will I miss it when the curtain falls? It was relieving, yet sad
The ending means that it will begin again
Forgetting also means leaving space for the next to come
[Instrumental Break]
[Bridge]
The next train is coming, and the guest book is left open
And it will again stir up the world that was locked away
[Breakdown]
Will the spring of the next play finally come? I've waited and waited
Will I miss it when the curtain falls? It was relieving, yet sad
[Chorus]
If I ask, will an answer come? I've called out, and called again
The path always has to be found starting from me
The ending means that it will begin again
Forgetting also means leaving space for the next to come
The ending means that it will begin again
Forgetting also means leaving space for the next to come

Reading and reflecting, I understand that I'm coming under the definition of a "nice guy". I can feel myself being the weakest among my roommates, even though we're in the same program of grad school. I'm always looking up to someone - I constantly see other people as better than me. Smarter than me. Stronger than me. More experienced than me (dating, relationships, academics, work, health, you name it). I'm glad that I'm - well - me with the world and life I've been brought into and the circumstances. I worked hard through college to get into grad school. I'm grateful for the things that have been given to me.
But lately I keep wishing to acquire parts of other people. I want to be respected like that guy. I want to be knowledgeable and well read like that guy. I want to be desired by girls like that guy is. And yet - can I ever?
After my breakup four years ago, I took the time in college to work on my fitness, health, and academics (probably could have done a better job with the last one). And after moving to grad school, I have learned some things I never would have living with my parents. I can cook now, I work part-time while doing a full-time graduate degree.
But again, it's nothing compared to the people around me. I don't feel like and have never felt like an equal. Today was a perfect example.
I matched with a girl last week, we exchanged numbers, and even set a date for today but I got ghosted shortly on Friday (I'm very sure of this). I'm not thinking too much about why she ghosted me. And today, my roommate had a date with that same girl. He didn't even swipe - she liked his Hinge profile upfront. Of course my roommate didn't know, but it was clear what it meant to me, and why he wasn't bothered by the fact that I had matched with her and had a date planned too.
What's worse is that I kept apologizing for mentioning that I matched with the same girl - that my first thought was "Did I say something wrong?".
I take more time than these people on projects and assignments. They do way cooler things than I do. I got an internship at a leading company in the US, but I still feel beneath them. I still feel I'm a joke to these guys. I'm not respected, am I?
I can't think of anything that can make things different - I'm roped into watching movies and plans with a guest who they invite every weekend night for dinner and a movie. I can cook for everyone, but even then I can't help but do the dishes even though the rule is that one person cooks and another person cleans. I don't have control. If there's any hint I do, it's my fault for not stepping up. Even if I do step who who will take me seriously?
Even this is an example of being a textbook nice guy - I'm claiming to be a victim here, aren't I? The only solution I can htink of for things being different is if I could live alone. If I had complete independence over my time and what I want to do. If I din't have to answer to any roommate or anyone. I imagined with a Master's I could acquire deep knowledge, spend time actually learning this subject I'm passionate about but I'm barely getting by. Life, this social life gets in the way from living with these people. If I'm not agreeing I'll be disliked and life will be uncomfortable. Not that I'm in the position to move out anytime soon - I often rely on help from the more experienced roommates to figure out problems I get stuck on with assignments.
It's all on me. It's up to me to make a change. But I feel like I can't. I feel helpless and guilty and angry. I can't imagine any empathy to this post, but if there's any chance or hope you can sense from what I shared... Please help by commenting. Anything helps. I don't know where to turn to right now - what time I can afford, who to tell.

I hope this will either give you comfort to know you're not alone, or that your ex may be regretful for whatever reason.
9 years, been together since 18 and I just could not do it anymore. She was the only person who enjoyed me without any qualifications, and she was the first person I ever felt comfortable being some amount of myself around. She was the only person I've ever felt such curiosity for, I just wanted to know everything about her. From her favorite things and worst memories, to the mundane annoyances and joys of her every day. I think she liked the attention I gave her or something, because I was just a mentally ill loser when we met and I never really changed, I just got a job. Still, she loved me with all her heart.
In the last few years, I relied on her to validate my worth since she was the only thing I really ever loved in my life and nothing beyond the relationship gave me pride/joy. She relied on me for support in basically every aspect of her life -- emotional, physical, financial, chores, even some career-wise. We took turns being mentally unwell, but this time I just couldn't wait for her turn to be up for whatever reason. She started getting better and doing a lot of those things she does when she is happy, and I just reached a point of burnout (from multiple sources) that I became slightly resentful of the support I gave while at the same time feeling like she was abandoning me to spend time with other people when I needed help.
I couldn't talk to her about it. I was afraid she wouldn't take it serious, or that by even voicing my feelings it would unravel all her progress. Things of that nature happen during any decade long relationship, and had, but I stopped trying to even talk about it during the last few months. I was just afraid. At the time of the breakup, when I blindsided her, I really thought every little thing way she let me down in regard to my unspoken expectations was proof she didn't like or care about me anymore. I was so wrong. I am just toxically independent and hid my feelings, while she lived her life like a normal person with a normal partner who loves and communicates. I really felt afraid of the dynamic we had to the point that I couldn't admit my feelings in part for fear of hurting her, and so I just decided to end it. Normal, right?
I pictured the breakup in my head for about a month before a big emotional event triggered a hypo-manic episode on top of my deep depression, and it has not gone how I thought it would. I thought she'd cry for a couple weeks, but because of the friends she'd be living with, she'd get over me pretty quick since she had support and love all around and people to spend time with. Maybe she'd get better faster without me hanging around and being a downer all the time? I thought I'd end up spending a couple weeks getting my affairs in order and practicing my knots before taking an early exit, or I'd end up becoming a hermit who just worked his stupid little job to live in his dumb little 1 bedroom apartment for the rest of his life. To that end, I removed myself from all the group chats and stopped talking to mutual friends, so that she could have all the support they could provide. They were 90% of the people I talked to outside of work. It was self-abuse wrapped up as me doing a favor for her, which I can see now.
How it's gone is that she ended up in the hospital for a weeklong hold and I'm cycling between pretending to practice radical self-care and literally beating myself up while drinking/smoking alone in our home on a monday night. I'm just so stupid for thinking this would be a good outcome for anyone. Now its been 7 months since I fucked it all up, and after some back and forth we've agreed to go NC until the 12 month mark. I can't stop thinking about her, the pain I caused her, all the times I told her I wanted to marry her before I just stopped wanting it one day. I can't stop thinking about getting back together with her, and just doing it all again because I had a really bad week or something. I have a much better understanding of myself/why I do things or think certain ways now, but that hasn't changed me really. I'm afraid I can't change, and even if I moved on, I'd just do this all again to a new person.
I guess I wish, at the very least, that I knew what I do now back when I dumped her. I was still figuring things out and told her a lot of stuff that I was only feeling in the moment but didn't really understand. Some of it just isn't true anymore, some of it didn't need to be heard, but a lot of it is just symptoms of greater problems that would have resolved themselves if I just waited a couple months. All of it hurt her more than she needed to be hurt. I wish I never hurt her in the first place.
At this point, I am choosing to do those things that healthy people do (exercise, rest, therapy, being social, family) because I'm hoping she'll appreciate it and will have been doing the same things when I see her next. But if we're not both strongemore resilient people when that happens, we can not start a new relationship without the threat of a repeat hanging over us. So we just can not start again. And then what? I fucked up my life and then spent a year building a new one just to not have her back in it? The obvious answer is "yes," but the only answer I can really believe in is "I wasted a year of effort building a life for a guy I don't even like and I didn't even get what I wanted out of it." Its such a stupid position to put yourself into and I hate myself more than ever for doing it. I want to be positive, but it's hard.
If you're reading this post before you decide to dump someone you still love and you're also unwell, just please get into therapy and submit to the process. If you end up staying a few extra months getting your head right before you break it off, that's great! You will have an easier recovery and not so much guilt! If you get right and figure out how to solve your relationship issues(literally just talking 90% of the time), awesome! But to not give yourself that help just opens you up to this pain and guilt and crisis, even if it is the correct decision.

Reading and reflecting, I understand that I'm coming under the definition of a "nice guy". I can feel myself being the weakest among my roommates, even though we're in the same program of grad school. I'm always looking up to someone - I constantly see other people as better than me. Smarter than me. Stronger than me. More experienced than me (dating, relationships, academics, work, health, you name it). I'm glad that I'm - well - me with the world and life I've been brought into and the circumstances. I worked hard through college to get into grad school. I'm grateful for the things that have been given to me.
But lately I keep wishing to acquire parts of other people. I want to be respected like that guy. I want to be knowledgeable and well read like that guy. I want to be desired by girls like that guy is. And yet - can I ever?
After my breakup four years ago, I took the time in college to work on my fitness, health, and academics (probably could have done a better job with the last one). And after moving to grad school, I have learned some things I never would have living with my parents. I can cook now, I work part-time while doing a full-time graduate degree.
But again, it's nothing compared to the people around me. I don't feel like and have never felt like an equal. Today was a perfect example.
I matched with a girl last week, we exchanged numbers, and even set a date for today but I got ghosted shortly on Friday (I'm very sure of this). I'm not thinking too much about why she ghosted me. And today, my roommate had a date with that same girl. He didn't even swipe - she liked his Hinge profile upfront. Of course my roommate didn't know, but it was clear what it meant to me, and why he wasn't bothered by the fact that I had matched with her and had a date planned too.
What's worse is that I kept apologizing for mentioning that I matched with the same girl - that my first thought was "Did I say something wrong?".
I take more time than these people on projects and assignments. They do way cooler things than I do. I got an internship at a leading company in the US, but I still feel beneath them. I still feel I'm a joke to these guys. I'm not respected, am I?
I can't think of anything that can make things different - I'm roped into watching movies and plans with a guest who they invite every weekend night for dinner and a movie. I can cook for everyone, but even then I can't help but do the dishes even though the rule is that one person cooks and another person cleans. I don't have control. If there's any hint I do, it's my fault for not stepping up. Even if I do step who who will take me seriously?
Even this is an example of being a textbook nice guy - I'm claiming to be a victim here, aren't I? The only solution I can htink of for things being different is if I could live alone. If I had complete independence over my time and what I want to do. If I din't have to answer to any roommate or anyone. I imagined with a Master's I could acquire deep knowledge, spend time actually learning this subject I'm passionate about but I'm barely getting by. Life, this social life gets in the way from living with these people. If I'm not agreeing I'll be disliked and life will be uncomfortable. Not that I'm in the position to move out anytime soon - I often rely on help from the more experienced roommates to figure out problems I get stuck on with assignments.
It's all on me. It's up to me to make a change. But I feel like I can't. I feel helpless and guilty and angry. I can't imagine any empathy to this post, but if there's any chance or hope you can sense from what I shared... Please help by commenting. Anything helps. I don't know where to turn to right now - what time I can afford, who to tell.

Reading and reflecting, I understand that I'm coming under the definition of a "nice guy". I can feel myself being the weakest among my roommates, even though we're in the same program of grad school. I'm always looking up to someone - I constantly see other people as better than me. Smarter than me. Stronger than me. More experienced than me (dating, relationships, academics, work, health, you name it). I'm glad that I'm - well - me with the world and life I've been brought into and the circumstances. I worked hard through college to get into grad school. I'm grateful for the things that have been given to me.
But lately I keep wishing to acquire parts of other people. I want to be respected like that guy. I want to be knowledgeable and well read like that guy. I want to be desired by girls like that guy is. And yet - can I ever?
After my breakup four years ago, I took the time in college to work on my fitness, health, and academics (probably could have done a better job with the last one). And after moving to grad school, I have learned some things I never would have living with my parents. I can cook now, I work part-time while doing a full-time graduate degree.
But again, it's nothing compared to the people around me. I don't feel like and have never felt like an equal. Today was a perfect example.
I matched with a girl last week, we exchanged numbers, and even set a date for today but I got ghosted shortly on Friday (I'm very sure of this). I'm not thinking too much about why she ghosted me. And today, my roommate had a date with that same girl. He didn't even swipe - she liked his Hinge profile upfront. Of course my roommate didn't know, but it was clear what it meant to me, and why he wasn't bothered by the fact that I had matched with her and had a date planned too.
What's worse is that I kept apologizing for mentioning that I matched with the same girl - that my first thought was "Did I say something wrong?".
I take more time than these people on projects and assignments. They do way cooler things than I do. I got an internship at a leading company in the US, but I still feel beneath them. I still feel I'm a joke to these guys. I'm not respected, am I?
I can't think of anything that can make things different - I'm roped into watching movies and plans with a guest who they invite every weekend night for dinner and a movie. I can cook for everyone, but even then I can't help but do the dishes even though the rule is that one person cooks and another person cleans. I don't have control. If there's any hint I do, it's my fault for not stepping up. Even if I do step who who will take me seriously?
Even this is an example of being a textbook nice guy - I'm claiming to be a victim here, aren't I? The only solution I can htink of for things being different is if I could live alone. If I had complete independence over my time and what I want to do. If I din't have to answer to any roommate or anyone. I imagined with a Master's I could acquire deep knowledge, spend time actually learning this subject I'm passionate about but I'm barely getting by. Life, this social life gets in the way from living with these people. If I'm not agreeing I'll be disliked and life will be uncomfortable. Not that I'm in the position to move out anytime soon - I often rely on help from the more experienced roommates to figure out problems I get stuck on with assignments.
It's all on me. It's up to me to make a change. But I feel like I can't. I feel helpless and guilty and angry. I can't imagine any empathy to this post, but if there's any chance or hope you can sense from what I shared... Please help by commenting. Anything helps. I don't know where to turn to right now - what time I can afford, who to tell.

I’m a 33(f) from NYC and I don’t know what to do anymore. I have struggled with mental health since I could remember(cptsd, mdd, ocd, general anxiety, autism, adhd). I went from abusive home to foster care to homelessness to getting into subsidized housing by 27. I finally got help once I was as stable as I’d ever been in my life at 30. I was put on meds and I enrolled into school for programming but at 32 I felt myself being pulled into the dark recesses of my mind and everything started to fall apart. I couldn’t get past my severe social anxiety and failed public speaking twice. I tried to ask for a different class but they (school) told me it was mandated. I dropped out instead of tanking my near perfect gpa. That was probably dumb. Then my therapist of two years told me she doesn’t accept my insurance anymore. I made the dumb mistake of switching insurances without even checking if my psychiatrist accepted the new one and couldn’t afford the appointments out of pocket. Meds ran dry before I could find a new doctor. When I finally had the new insurance and tried to make an appointment with my therapist, she had moved on, I don’t know if it was out of state or just moved to a different clinic. They didn’t give me any info on that.
I fell into one of the deepest depressions of my life in 2023. My hair got matted from not washing it. I had to cut it all off. I barely washed my body. Or ate. I was stuck. And it’s only at the turn of the new year that I feel like I’m resurfacing. Just enough to feel guilty about letting my two children, 16 and 5 see me this way. Their dad lives here and took on everything when it came to them but he can’t help me anymore than he has. I have to get myself out of this. I still feel paralyzed. I told him I’m tempted to call social services on myself. I know it sounds like learned helplessness or whatever. I need someone to keep tabs on me. Make sure I stay on my meds, keep on top of appointments. I can’t keep falling into these pits and not have any safety nets. And I realize this battle is lifelong. I have no family and all my friends I have I made in grade school. They’re either busy with their own lives or moved out of the city. I’ve never been the most social to nurture friendships. I’m alone. And I’m afraid to lose myself again. I love my kids so much but it’s not enough to get me where I need to be. I’m ashamed of myself. I’d also love to find my (found) family. I don’t know how to do that. Any advice.

Gday team. I have a note I add to when I learn things about SM. I got sick of seeing the same questions so I every time I answered I added to the note and just pasted a generic reply. I’ve been invited to post it here, so here you are!
Here’s my ever-growing, non-specific copy-paste reply, built from my own notes:

• Remember, followers are only for your ego. If you’re a business, Would you rather have a million followers who never buy anything or 1000 followers who purchase everything? (Read Kevin Kelly’s 1000 true fans article). However, if you’re trying to build an account for a brand or human deals, you need as many as possible. I.e. athletes wanting future deals/contracts, actresses wanting future roles, etc
  
• Dollars are the only score that matters in business. You can sell 1 million $1 items or 1x $1m item, it’s still a million dollars
  
• How do you get your first ten followers/sales? ASK. Start with your friends/family/personal socials. “Hey, I've started this thing; I'd love for you to follow”. Then contact everyone you've ever known (see cold outreach later, but this is warm haha). THEN ask them all for referrals: “who do you know that could use my help?”
  
• Re: cold contacting. Have a framework, but don't automate. Solve their problems. Say something personal (” [mutual person] told me to reach out to you” / “I really like your x” /”congratulations on y”). I noticed that [problem]. Fix their problem. Wish them a nice day. Have an offer in your email signature.
  
• Your profile description should be a hook/tagline / USP and link to your offer. Remember you’re building your house on rented land if you use socials as your client base. Algorithm changes, and they’re gone. Try sending them off socials to your email list, learn storytelling in email marketing (Russell Brunson has good advice), and you will own that contact for life.
  
• Choose a monetisable niche, find the most successful person in that niche, and put your spin on what they’re doing (ask AI)
  
• Make GOOD content that is visually appealing, entertaining, and has hooks (you have 3 seconds to get attention), but most importantly, ADDS VALUE to your target market (ask AI for suggestions - you can even ask AI to create a customer avatar for you and then ask it how to make good, relevant IG posts for that avatar)
  
• Keep your ears and eyes out for trends. Can you throw a trending song over a clip?
  
• Leverage pop culture. Search for what’s trending daily. Can you combine a movie or album release with your product? For example, if you’re in the auto niche, create an image of a car covered in green slime coinciding with the new Ghostbusters movie
  
• Document your process. Humans evolved on stories & we love to feel part of something and/or have front-row tickets to the show. For example, If you post art, film yourself making the art, not just the final product; talk about your decisions along the way. Also, it is easy content for you, and you’re just filming something you’re already doing
  
• Share as many success stories/testimonials as possible, preferably videos. Tag them. Make it easy for users to share themselves.
  
• In a similar vein, and with permission, share your audience questions in your stories (and tag them)
  
• Remember the rule of 100 (you need to do something 100x before you get “good” at it). Have you posted 100x and made changes as you’ve observed what worked and what didn’t?
  
• Every 5th or so post, add a Call To Action
  
• Always have something to invite people to, such as an event (e.g. Facebook live, face-to-face), a giveaway, a new product, etc. Ensure all your social media banners, popups, CTAs & email sig reflect this (read Book Yourself Solid by Michael Port)
  
• Use the right hashtags (be discoverable)
  
• Post at the correct times for your target market (I like 6-630am so when they wake up and scroll, it’s on their feed, their lunch break and a story at 8 pm in the relevant timezone). Steven Bartlett credits the daily 8pm personal thought post the most important part of his success.
  
• Follow the top 100 people in your niche with between 10k & 100k followers. Engage with them daily. Share their posts. Comment on Their work. As always, be sincere and say something meaningful
  
• Comment relevant things on important people pages (Gary Vees $1.80 strategy)
  
• Spend $10 a day on ads of targeted content to targeted people (don’t “but I want to grow organically” - Do you want to be seen or not?). Start ad sets at midnight.
  
• Russell Brunson recommends ads are only for offers; posts that aren't offers aren’t to be paid for ads—two separate things. Ads get your customers into the funnel and upsell makes you a profit. Say you sell a $10 ebook and a $300 course. Spend $10 per click for the ebook, so it’s a break-even cost, and everyone who buys the upsell is pure profit. Ad budget for testing is the price/profit of ONE upsell, so $300 in this example. Then, reassess, test and adjust. If it’s working, keep it going, but also test variations regardless. Brendan Kane suggests 50-100 variations from memory. Again, get AI to help. Start with your headline. Ask for ten variations. Then your pic. Get ten variations. Then your hook. Get ten variations etc.
  
• Pay relevant influencers to share your stuff
  
• Read all of Gary Vees and Brendan Kane’s books
  
• Do these things 30-50x a day (Gary Vees' advice for new accounts, search for his eight tips 2024 YT vid) across all your platforms for months, maybe years, and you’ll grow. Perhaps someone famous will share your stuff, and you’ll go viral. But remember, each platform has its nuances, so you need to rework content for it (again, use AI - create one piece and ask AI to brainstorm how to recreate for each platform - you can start with the longest form, say a YouTube vid or blog post and ask it how to make tweets or IG posts from it) however you can still “push”. For example, you can post native Facebook content, but you can also put your YouTube vids and IG posts there
  
• Make at least three posts a day for a month, that's 90 posts, and report back what you learned, what worked and didn’t for everyone else’s benefit. *I've had some pushback on this: A) I don’t make the rules; this seems to be current best practice; B) 1st post = a BTS post of you developing the post, 2nd post = the post, 3rd post = a story summing up your day. OR make all your content in one day and schedule it to post throughout the week. If you don’t have money, you have time; if you have money, outsource it.
  
• Good luck!
  

Helena - Courtlady of Lannisport

Part 1

Reddit Account: SunstriderAlar
Discord Tag: u/SunstriderAlar
Name and House: Helena
Age: 22
Cultural Group: Westerman
Appearance: Helena is a young woman with soft doe-eyes, and unmistakable curling, golden hair. Raised by smallfolk, and Septa’s she wears her hair up and away from her face to ensure she does not let it get wet while cleaning or in her mouth while singing. She has delicate, porcelain, pale skin and cloudy soft blue eyes. No taller than 5’5” and is most often dressed in conservative simple fashions gathered by herself, or more elegant options gifted to her by a doting patron for formal events. Never shy to present her opinion, Helena has seen the world change, and her place in it numerous times. She is unafraid to do what she must, but knows the role of a woman.
Helena prefers to wear blue and yellow, the colours of Lord Swyft’s old sigil even though she has not lived in Cornfield for many years, and has no personal attachment to the house. Her real love though is unique broaches, and hairpins, different pins reveal different favours or stylings for different lords. She does enjoy crafting dresses as well, when the rare bolt of fabric comes her way she enjoys sewing and tailoring. She is often seen carrying a unique wooden six stringed lyre, or a three stringed lute; the former the cause for her name the Six Eyed Singer. She daps herself with lavender water most mornings, and cleans her teeth with mint, and rose now that she is employed by the Lannisters of Lannisport. Clean teeth are the hallmark of a charming, easy smile to make hearts of men and women alike flutter.
Trait: Elusive Shadow
Skill(s): Espionage, Devious, Schemer, Covert, Rumourmonger
Talent(s): Storyteller, lyre playing, deft fingers
Negative Trait(s): N/A
Starting Title(s): The Six-Eyed Singer, Septa Morgan, Jinny of Aegon’s Rest
Starting Location: Opening event

Part 2: Biography

Swyft Sept (3AC - 15AC)
Helena’s early life began in the Sept of Cornfield where her mother begged the Septa’s to take her. Dutifully, though reluctantly, they agreed, for what else were they to do, and where else was the girl to go. To the Governess of Cornfield, under the sanctity of the confessional, the woman, aching from the pain of birth and shame, confessed that the little girl was the bastard of Lord Swyft. The Governess, doubtful but knowing the man was not without vice, kept the secret to herself and allowed the girl to remain. The woman, who’s name was never revealed even to the Septa's, fled into the night shortly after never to be seen again. Helena was then, as promised, raised by the septas and the Governess of House Swyft. She learns basic literacy from the Seven Pointed Star with the Sisters and numbers from the Governess. Alongside her studies, she was put to work on chores like maid work, baking, cooking, cleaning, and serving Lord Swyft.
In 11AC, a travelling minstrel named The Lying Lyre arrived at Cornfield. A dashing young man with a shock of blonde curls that tumbled down his back like a mullet captivated Helena with his songs of far-off lands and noble families. In particular he sang of the Maiden’s Bay Tourney, the feats of House Targaryen, and after some time the Field of Fire and the failings of House Lannister. House Swyft was wealthy, and the Liar’s talents earned him much and more coin from the silver mines.
Helena of an age where curiosity ruled a child’s mind was enamoured with the man and his songs. She took up practising the lyre with him, and discovered that while no maestro, she had deft fingers and a mind for lyrics. Impressed by her interest and talent, the Liar gifted her a lyre before he left for future profits in far off lands. Some years of practice though, and a natural storyteller and rumourmonger Helena combined tales of the Seven Pointed Star and was invited to sing in the sept and even twice for Lord Swyft.
Six Eyed Singer (15AC - 20AC)
It was not to last though and following the slaughter in the Kingswood, the line of House Swyft was extinguished. Not wanting to test the new residents of Cornfield, the Warriors Sons and Poor Fellows, after all, all men have vice, she left Cornfield, and took to singing on the road. Going under the name Lyrebird, Helena played and sang for her coin and lodgings, a young girl protected only by being seen when she wanted and an elusive shadow when she did not.
Times on the road were not easy and The Lyrebird drew much attention. This necessitated the need for another alter ego and after a year on the road and towns and villages through the West were soon visited by the travelling Septa Morgan. The Septa heard confessions and sins, gave forgiveness and offered small advice to the poor and needy. She spared coins where she could and allowed Helena to remain covert. It did not matter to most that she was no real septa, she wore the robes, knew the words, and offered as a good moral compass to children. For most in the far flung reaches of the West she was enough.
Being raised in the faith though telling a perpetual lie about being a sister of the cloth was a little too much to bear for Helena. After a year with the reputation of Septa Morgan growing through the small folks of small villages, the Septa soon faded away. Instead Jinny of Aegon’s Rest started coming to smaller castles; Turnbury, Redbramble, Parren Hall, Oldstars and the like. She took on odd jobs cleaning, cooking, teaching a daughter to read or a son to do his numbers. She was after all no threat, knew her letters and numbers herself, and was capable of scheming many a septa or fatherly gatesman to let her in.
Jinny of Aegon’s Rest became a traveller through the keeps of the Westerlands. She heard the tales from children and small folk alike. She had never meant to undertake espionage, but her place inside various courts across the land, and her talent for being in the right place at the right time meant she was an unfortunate witness to many a courtly intrigue. As her small gifts earned her again a broad reputation she would be traded between greater lords. Soon she was playing for the elite, and earning the rewards that came with it. Helena of Cornfield once again took a new name, the Six Eyed Singer, which she quickly used to escape her courtly life and take again to the road as a travelling minstrel.
The Strawberry Tourney and Ball (20AC - Current)
The Six Eyed Singer formed a little bard troupe, nothing extravagant, she wasn’t playing for the Lannisters or the Targaryen’s yet, but enough to provide several shows across the Westerlands, Reach, and former Kingdom of the Trident. Her troupe, much like she had been accidentally, was devious, and while she or they sang, pockets were pinched, and many houses were looted. Her troupe when apart played for all the minor and middle nobles of the Trident and of the Reach too now. She and they were as much a part of the debauchery of the West as any of the wealthy merchants. There was no party too scandalous, no whorehouse unsung, no court too far flung for the right price and the West had gold burning through pockets.
The Six Eyed Singer was not the only bard with a troupe though and soon through the Kingdoms after Aegon’s conquest artisans, bards, and mummers alike filled the world with talent. In 20AC the Songbird made its mark, and with a little bit of fun, a lot of resentment for nobility, and an ingrained childlike sense of chaos, the first of the Songbirds’ letters sang. The voice of the little people flooded across the western coast of the Iron Throne. Lord Belaerys’ dragon had eaten several children whilst growing fat and hungry. Lancel Lannister had claimed the maidenhood of his chambermaid, and sired a bastard all at the age of just fifteen. Lord Frey schemed against his overlord for a free and independent Trident once again. Was all of it true? Impossible to say, but there were enough truths to turn heads, and the songs of the Songbird began to cause chaos in the Westerlands most of all. The Six Eyed Singer and her troupe played through it all, they were bards, but the Songbird was the most famous one of all; not their little merry band.
The Six Eyed Singer though continued her good work, and with her reputation came an invite to participate at the Strawberry Tourney and Ball alongside the other bardic troupes of the West and Reach. She was not so famous as to be alone, merely enough to earn an invite, and a paid job. The planning was years long, and with new songs and tunes came new rumours. While the Six-Eyed Singer played songs such as Fleece-eye, Dornish Sour Grapes, and Lion of the West, the Songbird worked their chaos.
A ripple pulsed through the tourney, first a cheater in the joust was revealed, Ser Byron who was disqualified as a result. Then a second cheater, this time in the melee, then a third cheater again in the joust Lord Payne had accepted a bribe from Lord Reyne to fall early. Cheating in the tourney was just the start, cheating in the bedroom of the ball was the main affair. Here the Songbird revealed three affairs; Lords Serret and Lyden were both fathers to children on women , not their wives. While Lady Serret and Lady Ruskin were bedfriends behind their husbands’ backs. There was one final scandal though, which was revealed to all at the tourney. Septon Karron was no true anointed Septon, and worse there was legitimacy to foulness surrounding young boys who served him.
The chaos broke over the tourney and all the artisans in attendance were forced to flee. Yet, all was not lost, for Lord Gerold Lannister of Lannisport had taken his eye to Helena and her playing. He offered her a job, for he wished to be a great sponsor of art in the new Seven Kingdoms. So it was she came to a courtly position, advising the Lord Lannister on matters of fine art, musicians, mummery, and all manner of artisanal dealings.
Timeline
3AC - Helena is born in the Sept of Cornfield, her mother a woman from Silverhill who begs the septa’s to take the girl in. She reveals her identity to the Governess of House Swyft, and claims the child is Lord Swyft’s bastard. She leaves shortly after giving birth and recovering.
4-10AC - She is raised in the cloister with the sisters, her Septa mothers raising her lessons on reading from the Seven Pointed Star, and numbers from the Governess to ensure that she can do basic arithmetic. She takes basic lessons in scullery maid work, baking, and general service work for old Lord Swyft.
11AC - A travelling minstrel, The Lying Lyre, comes through Cornfield to sing songs of the tourney of Maiden’s Bay, House Targaryen, and the Field of Fire. He takes a liking to the young Helena, and gifts her a lyre. He stays in Cornfield for some time, both because it is lucrative and because he enjoys teaching the young girl.
12-14AC - The Lying Lyre departs Cornfield but leaves a talented and hardworking Helena with the sisters once more. She takes to singing sections of the Seven Pointed Star, and even performs for Lord Swyft a few times.
15AC - The House of Swyft dies out and Helena, unaware of her claimed parentage but with a talent for song leaves the cloister and takes to the road, not trusting the new Warriors Sons or Poor Fellows. She uses the name Lyrebird and sings and plays her lyre for coin to survive.
16AC - After a year on the road Helena takes up the name Septa Morgan and takes to hearing confessions of the poor and needy across the Westerlands. Many of them need guidance and wearing her septa robes she is the perfect person to hear them. She is no real Septa but no amount of explaining the technicality of that stops people asking her to forgive them.
17AC - Her reputation as Septa Morgan grows a little too heavy on her shoulders, and Helena takes to wearing more common clothes, moving from keep to keep and working as a barmaid, scullery girl, and baker amongst other professions. She goes by the name Jinny of Aegon’s Rest.
18AC - Chance takes its favour on her, and Helena with her simple lyre is invited to play at a feast in Lannisport. Dressed now as a travelling minstrel she performs for the gathered nobles and earns herself invitations to other keeps. With her generous benefactors she hires a small troupe to perform her songs across the West.
19AC - Travelling the Westerlands, Helena under the moniker The Six Eyed Singer, takes her talents for being present at feasts and gatherings of all sorts.
20AC - Rumour of The Songbird takes hold, and the West is awash in the voice of the little people.
21AC - The Strawberry Tourney and Ball unfolds and Helena’s skills earn her favour with Lord Gerold Lannister.
22AC - Lord Gerold Lannister recognising her many talents picked her up to be one of the primary serving women in his House. His eye for artistic endeavours endeared him to her enough for a comfortable place as a favoured bard, painter, educator, and common court woman.