22 years old 6’ foot 265 pounds Male Straight
Medication
Daily Quetipine, escitstalpram, L-Methylfolote, melatonin
As needed Klonopine, adderal
Supplements(not taking yet) Zinc, multivitamin, magnesium, fish oil
Mental issues:
I'm at a point in my life where i feel kind of lost in the endless expanse of modern life. I've battled with depression, asburgers, ADHD, and anxiety all my life, and for years of my life i became a regressing hermit of society practically attached to my bed and tv. i feel the entrophic effects of this over the last few years that felt like a black cloud. I've got no life skills, I can barely read, dull, fat, ugly, slow and my self hatred has grown to a boiling point. I've also deal with common suicidal ideation that shackles me to my room. I think of suicide so often that I’ve gotten bored with the thought. The only reason I haven’t done it is because my family cares about me for some reason. It’s a burden. I don’t deserve there love, I’m a cancer. My self esteem is nonexistent. I’m extremely paranoid. Cognitively I’m behind my peers, constantly forgetting things, stumbling on my words and repressing. It’s almost like there’s a barrier between me and my thoughts which results in a translational layer that is often misinterpreted resulting in blips of cognition. It’s another one of many things I am self-conscious about. It’s like I’m smart enough to be pessimistically self aware yet I’m knowingly dumb to the point where simple things are challenging. Everything for me is hard, every second of every day is so difficult that I’m always exhausted. So I end up relaxing and feeling bad about how unproductive I’ve been.
Self sabotage:
I am very much a self sabotagee. For some reason subconsciously I feel not only that I want to fail but I deserve to fail. I’ve stampeded many live opportunities from this inner deserve because subconsciously I feel I’m the worst person in the world. I feel stuck in this phycological bear trip. I feel as I deserve to fail because I was a curse to my family whose only accomplishment is how unaccomplished I am. I am a desease and there’s times where I want to just end it to prevent the spread.
Drugs:
Luckily, I’m not daily drug user. I try to keep it at a minimum, although, preferably I wish I would quit. I don’t do a lot of different substances, just weed and alcohol, and I barely drinks, it’s mainly weed that’s given me trouble. I love the way weed feels, the ratifying love rays that shoot through my veins leaves me feel like I’m on a cloud, 100 feet above my problems, from there I look from a higher vantage point. It’s the only time I’m ever happy, but it’s killing me. My brain is still developing. I’m 22 but I grown up with delayed pubescent, so my brain is very much still developing. I feel in a constant brain fog, forget about everything(even forgot who the president was), and don’t feel as smart as a younger self. It’s terrifying and my anxiety doesn’t help with it.
Sleep:
My sleep has been a life long struggle. It takes me forever to sleep and to wake up. I also sleep 10 hours a day. I’m setting an irritating alarm now but I realize if I have the normal 8 hours of sleep, I feel exhausted all day. I don’t even drink caffeine anymore, it’s impossible to be productive with 10+ hours of sleep. It’s gotten better don’t get me wrong, I used to just not sleep at all.
Social life and my social polarity:
I have friends but I made non of them on my own(brother). Around strangers, I don’t talk to people, I’m not charismatic, perceived as mental challenged, and generally a loser. Although it’s the opposite of perception that I’m held by from my friends. My friends think I’m funny, smart(don’t understand why), and kind. I’m my mom’s favorite person. I feel like I don’t deserve erserve the honor, I’m a bad friend and I’ve given my family hell, and yet I’m loved. It’s the only reason I’m alive. But I want to make new friends, make new connections, and be around new environments. I’m considering taking a improv class. But I’m a nervous wreck about meeting people
Effort polarity
My effort is polarized because I only work hard I’ve it’s to help someone. I work extremely hard for others, to the point where I can barely move afterwards. If work has anything to do with my own good it declines drastically. Why would I work hard for such a piece of shit human. If I subconsciously want to fail why would I try to succeed. I’m willingly shooting myself in both of my feet.
Physical:
Im a big strong guy but I’m not physically active. I might kick my brothers ass in basketball once a week and that’s about the most I workout. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to the gym 4 times a week. I went to the gym at the past (half a year ago), and has even joined a basketball league, and played lots of sports in highschool. So I’m naturally athletic but recently I have physically declined. Was fit in high school, but became obese after. I don’t look all that bad for my weight. Everyone thinks I’m a highschool offensive linemen, and my size can make me intimidating at times. I’m 6 foot 265. Food has always been an issue in my life, I’m an eater. I eat a lot. Mostly fast food(love bbq). I have dieted and fasted in the past but it’s sporadic. I eat to cope, It’s a slight dopamine hit that makes my day just a little better.
Love:
I’ve never had a girlfriend due to my social anxiety. I can’t talk to girls for some reason. I feel like I will ruin them. I grew up with a strong mother, and I highly respect women. They have it way worse in society. I’d love to be able to form relationships with women, even if it’s wasn’t for love, just as friends. But I can’t seem to do it. I only have a real relationship with 2 women, my mom(54), and my sister(31). As pertained before I’m my mom favorite person. She tells me that all the time. She everything to me, she’s a special person. I don’t have any other girl-friends in my life. I’ve decided that I’m going to start a dating by the end of the week. I’m just worried no girl will like me. I’m fat and ugly, have super yellow teeth(due to depression), I’m uncharismatic, and I feel I provide nothing. I’m working in it though at a sloth pace. I’ve been fasting all week, reading, watching more comedy to help with my comedic skills, socializing more, but it’s still not nearly enough. I feel like I’m working for something I won’t unaccomplish. I just hope I’m enough for someone because I need kids to inject meaning in my life. I want to have deep conversation with someone, go on nature trails, go to museums, watch movies, and learn with someone who exudes confidence in me that I would never have for myself. I don’t feel like I deserve it but I’m sick of letting that stop me because I never felt like I deserved anything.
Adulting
My adult life is just starting and mom and more people are relying on me. Financially, if I stay on path will be fine. If I finish college, I’d be able to work for 30-35 a hour. I still live with my parents now. Luckily there is another house in the property(6 aches), so I’ll have a house on my own without a mortgage. And my parents are also paying for college. I’m currently working at Wegmans(pizza member) for 16 per hour. I actually love the job, it’s very stimulating, and I feel like I’m contributing to something but it’s also been my biggest excuse to be lazy. I internally excuse my laziness on the fact that I had a “long day” at work. Which is bullshit because I’m only working 15-20 hours a week. This is because I’m starting college soon and also I intended to use the extra time on working on myself(music, poetry,reading, esc.) I’m in a place where I need to start providing for my family soon, there getting older. I also want a wife and kids but I can’t have kids if I’m this unproductive. I’m woried I’m not the man that can do it.
Family
I’m currently living with my parents and brother. I want to be able to provide for my parents one day and I also want to be a good example for my brother. It’s sad actually, I used to be in a worse place and now I’m seeing firsthand hand my brother experiencing the hardship that I went through. He broke up with his girlfriend and ever since he’s been a hermit. I see this everyday because my room is next to his. It’s hard to watch someone else go through depression because I barely made through it. I blame myself party because se I put him through a lot. I feel like I was the reason he started drugs, as I smoked weed around him. I feel like an awful brother. I want to be there for my family because there everything.
Failed goals and aspirations:
I've bullshited my way to an associates degree in sociology and imma have to get another one in architecture because I ended up changing geing majors to earn more money and to work with my dad. How can I get a degree when I can barely read. The thing is I have quasi-passions but don't have the strength to pursue them with the depth that is required. I love music, I'm learning a synth but I'm sporadic with it due to depression. Same with poetry. Another major reasons I don't progress is because I hate everything I make because it reeks of me and my limitations. I've progressed as a whole but too slowly to accomplish my goals and I'm afraid my limitations will drop my off the mountain farther. I want to make music, I want to write, I want to make educational/ personal YouTube videos, I want a girlfriend, I want kids but most of all I want to finally be content with the person I am. I need some life advise, because I feel like I'm lost at sea.

By Fritz Springmeier & Cisco Wheeler. WARNING: Not for the faint of heart. Do not read the following if there’s any chance that you’re an MK slave. The results could be fatal.
Click on a passage to read:
The basis for the success of the Monarch [trauma-based] mind-control programming is that different personalities or personality parts [in Multiple Personality Disorder / Dissociative Identity Disorder] called alters can be created who do not know each other, but who can take the body at different times. The amnesia walls that are built by traumas, form a protective shield of secrecy that protects the abusers from being found out, and prevents the front personalities who hold the body much of the time to know how their System of alters is being used. The shield of secrecy allows cult members to live and work around other people and remain totally undetected. The front alters can be wonderful Christians, and the deeper alters can be the worst type of Satanic monster imaginable--a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde effect. A great deal is at stake in maintaining the secrecy of the intelligence agency or the occult group which is controlling the slave.
The success rate of this type of programming is high, but when it fails, the failures are discarded through death. Each trauma and torture serves a purpose. A great deal of experimentation and research went into finding out what can and can’t be done. Charts were made showing how much torture a given body weight at a given age can handle without death. Now this is why the Nazis did all those strange concentration camp experiments, where they tested how quickly people would freeze or die from various traumas.
The first stage is the initial ceremonies & the In Utero traumatization. The second stage is to have a premature birth. (…) The third stage is smothering the child in love. The love is given so that it can be taken away in the fourth stage. Unless love is given so that it can be taken away, there is no trauma. Illuminati children are never spanked in the first year and a half. They are very lovingly controlled. (This pattern of smothering new converts in love called “love bombing” in preparation for removing that love and acceptance to get obedience is done by some cults to new members too.) The Illuminati child learns about their body. Their bowels are allowed to function properly and they are kept meticulously clean. They must be taught to appreciate their body, before the trauma of stripping them of everything they value. Dissociation does not have to be taught to the child, because they have a genetic leaning toward it, and the premature birth has taught them to dissociate. All in all, the child has been allowed only to build a relationship with its programmer(s). The child has learned to trust, obey and adore the programmer during the first 18 months of its life. Its mind is lining up with hypnotic suggestions, cues, and is being obedient.
In the fourth step, the child is starved, cold and naked. Everything imaginable can be used to overwhelm the caged little child’s senses and create dissociation. Rotten faul odors of the child’s excrement, of amnonia, and rotten food while it huddles in its cage will overwhelm the child’s sense of smell. Being fed blood overwhelms the sense of taste. The chanting of the Programmers dressed in Satanic garb, banging noises, rock music and the electric hum, and ultrasonic stimulation overwhelms the child’s sense of hearing. The child’s natural developing sense of shapes is taken advantage of by spinning the child and making it feel like it is going to fall. The child will also be deprived of sleep and drugged. Together all this will provide the dissociative base for splitting the core. The fourth stage is to strip the child of everything nice and lovely in the world. The child is caged and tormented by electric shock. The child’s senses will be overloaded and they will become numb. Eyewitnesses have described these hundreds of numbed children as “zombies”.
When they finally see their beloved master or beloved adult caretaker appear after suffering from 42 to 72 hours, they are excited and they dissociate the pain of the previous hours of deprivation. Help appears to be on the scene. At that point the programmebeloved adult shows his/her most vicious side, and the child in order to deal with how this loving caretaker has not only rejected them but is now hurting them dissociates along the same fractures of dissociation created by the trauma of the premature birth. All the programming of each & every slave is anchored upon some type of trauma. One of the first fundamental traumas will be watched, filmed, coded & used as an anchor. For instance, the most brutal rape of a girl by her father will be used as an anchor upon which to build the Beta programming. In chap. 1 it was discussed how the primary severing of the core was incest. Extreme psychosis is created within a child trying to deal with the issues created by the incest from the child’s most important figure—their father figure. In Moriah’s slaves, this is the standard method to sever the core, & create an anchoring trauma. (…) Electroshock can cause pain, but this is nothing compared to the confusion in the mind caused by incest issues. Entire worlds of loyal alters whose only function is loyalty to the biological incestual father are created in the slave.
One of the “appropriate” tortures is to place a bar between a little girl’s legs which spreads the girl’s loins for rape. Then the bent spread legs are flapped, while the victim is specifically told she is a “Monarch butterfly”. Many victims have created butterflies in their minds while being raped. The programmers may tell some of their victims that out of caterpillar-worms come 'beautiful butterflies'. While raping the child, the Programmers will describe their sperm fluid as “honey comb”, and will cry out “hallelujah” when they ejaculate. It doesn’t take long for the child to realize it has no ability to resist what is being done to it. The will of the child victim is destroyed, and in its place remains a pliable slave. If the slave doesn’t learn correctly, they receive more pain.
A close loving bond is needed between a child and the initial abuser so that a clean split is created when the initial mind-splitting trauma is carried out. The clean split occurs when the child is confronted with two irreconcilable opposing viewpoints of someone who is important to them. The child can’t reconcile the two extremely opposite views of the same person, one being a loving caretaker, and the other being the worst kind of abuser. The person the child trusted the most is the person the child fears the most.
The child is not in a position to flee, so the mind dissociates. (…) The child should be raped daily and then tortured. This helps with the sexual programming later, and begins a reversal in the mind that pain is love, and pain is pleasure.
PTSD are the psycho-pathic debilitating effects of trauma and chronic nature of reactions to trauma. Intrusive flashbacks of the trauma will occur if the mind doesn’t protect itself from reminders of the trauma. (…) A trauma will create a certain “shatteredness” within the victim. The victim will develop life assumptions about being vulnerable, about having little personal worth, and that life is not fair. (…) The U.S. military has prevented any serious counseling for their troops suffering from this.
The PTSD in Monarch victims is masked by the MPD/DID and the programming. Then in turn, the programming masks the MPD. When the programming is complete, front alters have been created which can function with smiles and cheerful attitudes, while underneath, the mind is full of shattered hurting alters, who the slave is unaware of. Self-punishment and social withdrawal are natural symptoms of PTSD, and the programmers have no trouble enhancing and programming these functions into their alter systems. Certain alters end up holding the anger, the fear, the social withdrawal, the guilt, and the desirefor self-punishment. These are held in check by the programming, and take the body when the slave steps outside of the programmed path. The bad memories in the minds of men who suffer from PTSD have been noted to re-cycle and self-perpetuate themselves as they lie unresolved in the memory cells.
In 1954, Maslow published his Hierarchy of Needs, which when applied to Monarchs and PTSD victims means that they can not progress in therapy until their survival and safety needs are met. However, the Programmers/abusers know that it is important to keep the slave away from safety. To this end, the Programmers employ people externally to monitor slaves, and internal alters in the victim’s mind to be monitoring alters and reporting alters. Reporting alters can always reach the Network of abusers via 1-800 telephone numbers which change every weeks. They can also call their handler. Reporting alters are very unemotional and serve as tape recorders which mechanically report any developments that might threaten the programming to their handler. Alters programmed to commit suicide are also built into the Systems.
The Core for the programmers is the unsplit essence of the mind which drives or provides energy for the System. This Core is not an alter, but is an essence that the programmers hide. The programmers do not touch the core in the fashion they do alters. They hide the core. Part of the drama that is carried out during the entire victim’s life, is that their mind tries to protect this untouched core essense of their mind from being touched. If they think anyone, the therapist or the abuser are going to tamper with it, the mind and its parts will protect that core.
After the core is hidden, the rest of the alters will be programmed not to look for the energy/synthesizing part of the system. The real “core” or primal part of the unconscious will have an adult representative of it in a Monarch System.
The initial splits are the most energetic and the easiest to manipulate. In Illuminati systems, these early parts are dehumanized into thinking they are gems and crystals. These gems and crystals then “power” the entire mind-control system that is programmed over the following years into the child’s mind. The gems are not perceived as alters, so the proxy core wouldn’t integrate with what is perceived as an inanimate object. The proxy core is allowed to want to move toward health with a therapist, it is programmed to move toward healing, but to lead the therapist away from the true core. She or he is programmed to believe it is the true core.
The real core & its first splits (which are the gems) are placed hypnotically at the mind’s deepest levels in an area of the mind few therapists ever search. As outlined above, other initial splits are led to believe they are cores. Part of the reason there is a illusive search on the part of therapists for a core, is that people have not accepted the reality that there is no one person (personality) in charge of a Monarch System who can simply decide to quit coping with life by stopping their MPD. Many therapists want to believe that some person is the “real” person and the rest are simply subordinate alters created to handle the core’s trauma. I believe this is an inadequate understanding of what is happening. The elements that make up who a person is (i.e. personality elements such as memories) are fractured. These fragments have in turn often been built up into full-blown personalities with all the elements of full-blown personalities. There is no “real” person, just as if you smash a mirror into a thousand pieces, there is no single piece that is the “real” original mirror but rather simply fragments that can in turn operate as mirrors. However, there is still a Primal Self. Early splits are led to believe they are the core. The cult will hide the initial splits beyond recognition. Some of the third wave of splits will be created into what are named Silence alters. They are trained never to talk.
These early splits are then hidden and used to blackmail other alters who were created later. The other alters, who are formed after the Silences (who are pre-language alters) are convinced that if they don’t behave, the Silences will have something drastic happen to them. Some of the pre-talking Silence alters are then placed in places such as Moloch’s Temple to keep as hostages. Alters are created down the road to guard the Silences. They guard in the full sense, controlling the Silences, and any access to the Silences. Since the Silences are early splits they are more important for the full integration of the mind, which the programmers want to insure doesn’t happen.
One alter will trust the programmer, the other will fear the programmer. Therapists spend all their time trying to reconcile this conflict which is placed out front as a decoy to keep them busy. Meanwhile, the gems along with the rest of the loyal cult alters will have the ability to create whatever is needed within the System. The entire system of alters is always shifting and many of the true alters are in hiding. The person is made to feel like he or she has been sliced like meat much as a bolagna slicer makes slices of bologni. This layering program is very dangerous and severe. Overlays of all kinds, demonic, hypnotic illusion, etc. are layered over real alters so that even the identity of what is a real alter is hidden. The point is that decoys which keep therapists busy are created, while the entire structure shifts and rearranges and restructures itself to keep itself hidden. Often the Illuminati encourages early front splits to learn about Christ and legitimately accept Him at a very early age. This acceptance will be used as the basis of the trauma to create strong satanic alters. Just as the handler will bond with the child to split it, the handler will allow some early parts of the System to bond with Christ in order to enhance the trauma that “God” will do to the System
Most Illuminati Systems have Christian front alters. Some of the early splits around 2 years of age are provided the chance to genuinely accept Christ. From these alters, two things will be done. Front alters who are Christians will be created, and satanic alters. In order to get dedicated Satanic alters, Christian alters are severely traumatized and God is blamed for not helping them. The Satanic alters will be deeply convinced that God has abandoned them. The Christian alters will dissociate all the trauma, and will believe that they are normal--nothing has happened out of the ordinary in their life.
By the time the programmers are ready to create angry alters, the child victim has been well conditioned not to get angry, but to passively accept their abuse. The programmers have to get the child’s mind to break with their prior programming to get angry. In order to do this, the child will be tormented without end for several days. This is one of the worst parts of the programming, and many children die in this stage. The Illuminati pick their most gentle Mothers-of-Darkness systems to work with the male programmers. If the gentle Mothers-of-Darkness slaves didn’t bring some balance and affection to the child victims, the sadistic programmers would probably kill all of the children at this stage of programming.
Anger within a System can be dangerous, when one alter directs its anger toward another alter. Sometimes one alter will try to kill another alter. Actually, this happens more often than one might imagine. If the alter succeeds of course, the body will be dead, with the resulting consequence that everyone dies. The programmers enjoy seeing this type of drama, but they don’t want it to be carried out to its final conclusion, so they generally, if not always, have alters who can step in and take the body and stop this.
In the early 1950s, the Illuminati would take a child and force it to watch another child, who they have bonded with, be incinerated alive in a crematorium at high heat which would not only melt the child but turn it to ashes. The form of the child in ashes would stay in the shape of the child until the crematorium door which would have glass in it for viewing would be opened. A small gust of air would cause the ashes to lose their shape. Watching through glass and feeling the fire and hearing the child scream was a trauma for any child. The Presideo and some of the Illuminati-run funeral homes which had this type of crematorium were employed for fire traumas. The fire trauma was done so that the child would visualize melting from heat. This melting trauma would then form the basis of the good witch/bad witch programming where water on a witch makes her melt like in the Wizard of Oz story. The Delta and Beta alters are then to trance into their melted state whenever their programmers want them to function.
The Delta-Beta alters are habitually lied to by their programmers when they are given their detailed scripts. If they are carrying cocaine they may be told it is soap for needy children. If they shoot someone, then they will be told all kinds of lies about the person they are to kill. They never are really given a chance to step outside of their deep trance and to ever hear the truth about what they are doing. They live their lives in a surreal fantasy world where nothing really makes sense. They don’t try to think for themselves, they just follow orders. (…) Delta alters have an internal hour glass, this hour glass may be a mural in their internal world that they look at. As long as they are obedient, the hour glass sands do not fall. If they are disobedient, the sand begins falling, and their life is on the line. There is no room for mistakes. If the sand runs out, death is to happen. Large hourglasses are often displayed in front of Delta-Beta slaves to remind them that there is no room for mistakes, no slack for disobedience. (…) If the programmers get tired of the slave’s programming breaking down--and it does in part due to the severe abuse they get from these sadistic rogrammers/handlers, then they will simply give the slave an assignment in which the slave will end up dying, i.e. a suicide mission. This type of suicide mission is happening all over the United States with great frequency. An example would be a lady who is getting to wise about the New World Order, so a Delta is assigned to crash their car into the lady, and its written down as “just an unfortunate ACCIDENT with fatalities.” A shop owner refuses to pay the Mafia for protection; so a Delta vandalizes and tears up the shop and has a fatal shootout with the police.
Many splits in the mind are not developed into full blown personalities. Some are simply fragments which are given a single job assignment. Generally, a System will have about half a dozen alters which frequently take the body and hundreds of alters which only occasionally take the body. -Internally, the System must carry out the following functions: Protect all information and history that relates to the creation and use of the slave. All the structuring and codes of the System are also secrets and need to be guarded. The programming and the very things that the slave can think about need to be guarded. The slave is meant to be entirely self-governing. The best boss is the boss who gives a directive and can go do something else while the person receiving the order carries it out without input and supervision. The Monarch slave is the prime example of how to delegate authority. The delegation of authority allows both the master and the victim himself to blame the victim for the orders they carry out. The satanic cults will hide their alters which make money for the cult behind the blood and gore alters. This protects their illegal money making operations. Alters must learn to function as designed by the Programmer. If they can’t work together, the Illuminati will try to get them to work together somewhat akin to a mechanic fixing a car. If the alters can’t be fixed, they and their System will have to be thrown away.
The abuse can be done by the victim themselves to themselves, because programming alters are given the ability to pull up horrific memories via codes. Those traumatic memories, which shattered the mind the first time, are still capable of doing it again when they are abreacted (that is relived by the body & mind). (...)The Programmers do a great deal of mixing demons with alters, and they place alters all over the system in captive or hostage situations so that the System of Alters is literally blackmailed into cooperating if they don’t want to hurt parts of themselves.
Whether the power and healing and mind-control of demonology stems from illusion or Jung’s autonomous power of the human psyche to attract & manifest archetypes through the human soul or some other source is not an issue for Satanists. They are seeing results, power, healings and the destruction of their enemies by demonology. Within the Illuminati illusion, myth, and perception are all esteemed. Are they alone? Are they alone? No, they are not alone. The myth that the United States is a democracy is probably a far stronger “reality” in the minds of Americans than the actual reality that it is a tightly controlled secret oligarchy with a republican front. But in this case, which is the greater real reality? The American believes his myth enough that he dies for it. He fights the “war to end all wars” and then the “war to save the world FOR DEMOCRACY” (to quote some popular world war slogans). In the American mind, he achieves victory even though he has fought and died for a myth.
Everyone needs to bear in mind, that the programmers were sadists, and they didn’t get satisfaction from their programming until they could see raw terror in their victims. The primary vehicle for programming was the raw terror that is repeatedly instilled into the victim. To achieve total terror, the sadist programmer gains total control over every aspect of a person, their thoughts, their bowel movements, their life, even the power to commit suicide is stripped from the victim. Nothing that originally belonged to the victim is left untouched. A realistic fear of most victims, is that they will never be believed. Indeed, many therapists are serving the final insult to these severely traumatized people by denying the authenticity of things the victim experienced himself and even wishes were not true. For a victim to overcome their fear to tell, after all the years of programming not to tell and threats not to tell, is an enormous feat. Very few victims, ever get to this point. And yet, when they do overcome this enormous barrier, they must face disbelief. Traditionally, the psychiatrists have treated these victims as if their abuse is nothing but psychotic nonsense. How many fleeing victims have been locked up and told they were Paranoid Schizophrenics?
I am familiar with a recent example here in Oregon of someone who escaped from being sacrificed at a Satanic Ritual. The legal system told the woman she was crazy when she reported to the police that she had escaped from a Satanic Ritual where they were going to sacrifice her. To control her, the judge ordered 3 types of antipsychotics, twice the normal dose of two kinds of lithium carbonate to put her into a lethargic stupor, Paxil as an antidepressant, and Benztropine mesylate as an antiparkinsonian agent. The antipsychotics were Thiothixene, Thioridazine hydrochloride, and Perphenazine which are all addictive. This woman may or may not be a multiple. But this clearly shows the type of mental control via drugs that could be slapped onto someone who dares report Satanic activity to an establishment which has been sadly corrupted from top to bottom. One victim of government mind control tried to get free. The first psychiatrist the person tried to go to was cooperating with U.S. Intelligence and gave her Stelazine, which aggravated the victim’s situation. When the victim spied a general’s uniform in the closet of this psychiatrist, she got another psychiatrist, who unfortunately turned out to be an ex-DoD employee. He placed her on Haldol Decanoate, Klonopin, and Benzatropine. The combined effect of these drugs is to erase memory, and create a dissociative disorder.
Who would believe that a sweet child drinks blood and is cannabalistic? The more that they can do that is far fetched, the less credibility the child has if they do talk. Some children do try to talk. One Monarch slave talked at age five, and her entire family came down hard on her and blamed the child’s talking for the death of one of the abusers. What kind of proof can a child bring that adults will accept?
Women and men in the Illuminati will continue to help with the programming for their entire lives. The Illuminati is programming such vast numbers of children, they need everyone of their able members to help. Moriah’s total membership, which worldwide numbers in the millions. The Illuminati regimen for their children is far more controlling than the CIA’s programming. Not everyone in the Illuminati gets their mind-split and becomes a programmed multiple. However, everyone does get some type of mind-control. Those who have been spared multiplicity still must participate in a two-week intense mind-control session that might be compared to the Army’s Ranger school. Those who participate in this have learned obedience. Those who haven’t learned obedience, are forced into ritual gladiator type duels or other punishments to eliminate them. Finally, a traitor’s death as pictured on one of the Tarot cards is waiting.
In my (Fritz’s) other writings, I explain about how the Illuminati created the CIA. I know that some of its directors were members of the Illuminati and I strongly suspect that the other CIA directors were probably full-fledged members too. The two organizations need each other. If the CIA didn’t have the international backing of the movers and shakers of the world, it would have been exposed and done away with. Likewise, the Illuminati, because it is so secret, needs organizations through which it can work. The CIA is a front for the Illuminati, and the CIA in turn sets up fronts. Some of those fronts, are elaborate, well-staffed, well-equipped programming sites, (such as many of the state mental hospitals, McGill Psychiatric Training Network consisting of 8 Montreal hospitals especially St. Mary’s, NASA in Huntsville, AL; the Presideo (San Francisco), CA; and NOTS at China Lake, CA, to name a few. For a more complete list see Appendix B.)
Various overseas “missionary” groups are covers for the CIA & mind-control. It would take a book to explain how these religious fronts are part of the total trauma-based mind-control and how they operate to protect mind-control, however there are publications which go into some of the CIA connections to these groups. (…) out. When we, the authors of this book, write that the Monarch-type total mind-control threatens everything this nation stands for, we are not exaggerating. The Monarch Mind-control program has not been used just to program slaves--but it has been part of a much bigger deception. When this deception is realized by this nation, it will shatter the very fabric of trust that Americans have in their institutions. If Americans will begin to understand the power structure behind their institutions, and who controls this structure, they will begin to see the lies in the scripts that they have been fed since infancy. (…) When men who worship the god of this world place “In God We Trust” on the Federal Reserve bank notes, we who know the truth must step out of our dream world and realize that they mean Lucifer.
People have nothing in their experience to allow them to draw conclusions about the Illuminati programmers/handlers who are moral degenerates and programmed multiples, who will do anything, in spite of their nice fronts. (…) The story we are dealing with here is just as sensitive to the elite as Kennedy’s assassination, because it involves their preparations for the creation of a false Christ, called by Christians the AntiChrist, who will be the master handleprogrammer.
Most slaves have end-time programming. (…) Part of a sample of one of these is as follows:
(Excerpt)
ISRAEL IS RISING
ACTIVATE 366 UNITED NATIONS
BRITISH SOLDIERS RISE
RED CHINA RISE
ACTIVATE AFRICA

I gained a PTSD diagnosis in 2023 and I lost good friends. In 2023 I also had an ex girlfriend post our sexts to a private meme group to make fun of me, when I thought we were on good terms and friends. And my uncle died. I also lost my job due to AI outsourcing which I put a lot of overtime into. I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces but it’s been really hard to figure out how to trust again.
2023 was really hard on me. I was sexually assaulted twice by two different men. Towards the end of the year. I visited a videographer who said he would help me make only fans content. He claimed to be very respecting of women and professional. He got my tickets to NYC and had me stay at his house for free. The first time I went to NYC I was too nervous and stood him up and just got drunk at a five star hotel in time square alone. It was fun. I saw old college friends. My gut was telling me not. to be around this man. I believe I am psychic to some extent, I read tarot cards and have sold psychic readings before.
So anyways I ended up giving in and going to nyc a second time and agreeing to meet him because I had been laid off from my job and actually have made a lot of money selling content in the past. So I was thinking about diving into full time modeling. I went to his apartment and I was pretty fucked up, macro dosing 1000 to 2000 mlg of weed edibles a day, everyday to self medicate my loneliness and my trauma. He had been flirtatious with me via text but I was also clear that I didnt want to film B/G content and wasnt interested in that. IDK why I didnt lie and say I had a boyfriend but I was abused a lot in my life and I have a pretty bad people pleasing, freeze, fawn instinct. So I didn’t know how to shut down this man’s flirtations. He insisted that he usually doesn’t get with the girls but I was just ‘soooo smart and he’s suchhhh a sapiosexual’ and he made his interest in me very clear. But I was figuring it was just a crush and most videographers get aroused during shoots and that doesn’t mean anything bad would happen. I was also not making good judgement calls across the board because I was getting very high everyday and not thinking clearly.
When I got to his apartment he showed me the bed I would be staying and Im a college graduate and professional so I naively expected this to be pure business and platonic. I have done work for an only fans agency for over a year under a W-9 and it was all very above board with my bosses never hitting on me or doing anything illegal. So I was thinking this opportunity would be like that. Especially cuz he claimed to have been a previous vanilla business owner and cameramen for the WWE which I am a fan of, and have been a since I was a little girl. Dad and I would go to matches and the fictional stories was my safe space, my escape.
When I got to the apartment and got on the bed he just made out with me, aggressively. My back was against the brick wall of the times square apartment. I was frozen in place. And then he went down on me, I actually do not like receiving oral at all, I have ADHD and its a sensory issue for me. Ive enjoyed it consensually from partners I was attracted to but this videographer was literally obese with greasy balding hair and perpetually furrowed bushy eyebrows. I remember him describing himself as 'a cunning linguist' via text and me laughing it off and going 'i bet you are' the way I hype up all men. But I never said I wanted that from him because I didn’t ever.
Inside I was all ugh, gag me with a spoon this is so corny its cringy and like- giving me oral was obviously turning him on. Oral still feels like its a way for partners to use my body to get off it rarely feels like its 'for me' unless it was with a attractive partner I was excited to enthusiastically consent to with a clear, sober, unthreatened mind. So I just fake moaned and wiggled until he stopped. But inside I was frozen and I was mortified. I did not want any form of sex with this man. I did not want him to be added to my sexual history, he was not attractive to me. But I was alone, and small, and on drugs in his apartment in a bustling, crime filled city. I didn't know how to say no. I could tell from his smile, that he was getting off on it, that using his tongue on me was still him using me. I faked an orgasm and after what felt like hours he stopped.
He said “see I told you I would find a way to thank you 😏.” Because I gave him advice via text. And I just nodded silently. I agreed with whatever he said in the apartment because I didn’t want to upset this fat older man. But I didn’t want him. At all. And my heart twig was snapped in half after how he went down on me. I didn’t feel pleasured or rewarded, I felt objectified and sad and scared. He would kiss me and grope me and talk about including me in his Only Fans business scheme the whole weekend. But he also talked about being a 'talent manager' aka PIMP for girls as young as eighteen to do escorting. I pretended to be ok with it but it made me feel very scared and uncomfortable. My ex bosses at the only fans agency neverrrr did anything illegal like that!!!! He showed me naked women without asking me, some girl who is big on twitter who has had a double mastectomy. And he tried to say that my pussy was so much better then theres. Im bisexual, it just made me sad. He was degrading them to try and compliment me and my naked body but it just felt degrading to me too. Like an insult to women is an insult to me as a cisgender woman. They are my spiritual sisters.
After the weekend it took a long time for him to get my content back to me. It took me a hot minute to piece together that I even was raped. But I talked about it with a male therapist who explained that was sexual assault. And I talked about it with a guy I was talking to romantically at the time and a few friends and they all agreed. And then I outed the guy online as my rapist with his full name and he dropped off the grid, removed his listing from the website he was using to find 'models' (victims) and is not online anymore as far as me and my support system can tell. I lowkey threatened him because I have family in the FBI. And because trace amounts of my blood are in his apartment because I accidentally cut myself while in his shower. Yay for me I guess but it also just made me feel all scared and sad. Like Im always worried that this rapist pimp will hunt me down and hurt me for hurting his business. And my family is worried too now. I told them everything that happened to me and it was so embarrassing because they were never supposed to know that I was in Only Fans modeling but my soul was so broken after the incident, I even accused my older brother of being a rapist unprovoked with zero reasoning and I wasnt leaving my bedroom and I wasn't sleeping.
Also in 2023 some blonde married man got me drunk and took off the condom while we were fucking without asking me. And he said “I just seemed like that kind of girl.” And that was weird. He told me he worked in Washington DC but he seems to have given me a fake name. The sex was good but I saw him other times in public after that and it was really scary. And I wasn’t able to file a restraining order unless I see him one more time. And even so if he gave me a fake name it won’t do much. All I can do is pray for myself to be safe which I have been. I started going to church and wrote it in a prayer book. And I’m trying to make safer choices. But I also don't know what choices to make because I don't have a lot of friends and dont know how to go about making them, which was true in 2023 and how I ended up in the company of these violent criminals.
I ended up in a mental hospital for my suicidal thoughts and my deep trauma. The hospital diagnosed me with PTSD but they never gave me my blood or STD results back after taking my blood three times. I was in a bad state in the hospital, very paranoid about rapists finding me and falsely accusing everyone of being deceptive scientologists. They also dispensed whatever medicine I asked for almost whenever I asked for it, including Xanax, Klonopin, Sudafed so I think that did not help my unregulated state and contributed to the psychotic syptoms I was displaying in patient. I was in there for ten days but it honestly feels like a giant waste of time because they never got me back my STD results and I ended up discarding the medication they gave me (Abilify) because it was making it so I could not sit still or watch my favorite shows. The only good thing was I met and made friends while I was in patient but a lot of them live far away from me. And I don't have a driver's license because I have so much ADHD and anxiety.
Towards the end of the year I also blocked some cute local age appropriate guy from a singles event that I actually really liked during a paranoid episode. And I wiped my phone and my laptop at bestbuy in my paranoia without a backup. So now Im forever cuckholded from the cute guy because I blocked him, then wiped my phone, then changed my mind about him only after wiping my phone, which is really sad and annoying to me. I also ended up losing this female model I was close with on twitter because I pieced together that she's online friends with some of the people who work for the videographer rapist. And I know that because he was showing me their pussies and calling them 'talent managers'.... pimps. But I also feel sad because she was mostly really encouraging and had a lot in common with me.
It feels so frustrating because I called the men out publicly. Which is what liberal minded ethical people are taught to. And instead it seemed to make everyone more awkward and cruel around ME. For example, I was friends with a guy MT and a girl TK who went to my Ny college. We were supposed to be best friends. But I had a separate falling out with one of their mutual friends ions ago. And when I got out of the hospital I tried to patch things up with the mutual friend, AK because Im always trying to be the bigger person and like I said I get really lonely. Well AK didn't like that and ignored the message and had her boyfriend message me telling me to "stop harassing them." And MT and TK did not defend me at all. In fact, while I was in the hospital TK blocked me when I was asking her for help getting out of the hospital because they were trying to section twelve me (I did not allow it) and she messaged my parents explaining that she was going to block me for a long time because "I was getting in the way of her own healing journey" 🙄 even tho MT and TK have never been sexually assaulted ever in their lives and have very cushy lives with rich parents.
So I blocked TK and MT as friends and blocked them because I feel like they could have/should have defended me knowing I was in the hospital for rapes and had the worst year of my life. ((My uncle also died in 2023 and a girl spread around revenge porn sexts of me.))
And this is all very frustrating for me, because I haven't heard the people responsible for my PTSD suffering any social consequences at all. I just feel so frustrated and I don't know where to go from here. Because I don't know how to make friends or how to deal with the knowledge that all these evil men are out there and just fine because my family and I don't trust the criminal justice system enough to re traumatize me and pursue charges in court.
So it's like. I am the victim here. And I had all this stuff happen to me in 2023 and also in my past because I was abused at a daycare and SAd in high school too. And now I have almost no one and I don't know how to even go about forging connections. I loved my college and I hate that I don't have more friends from it. I hate that I got so much social blowback even tho I didn't do anything wrong except for allowing my lonely, naive soul to be in the wrong places with the wrong people at the wrong time. How do you guys deal with the social isolation from outing abusers and having CPTSD?! Lmk

I gained a PTSD diagnosis in 2023 and I lost good friends
2023 was really hard on me. I was sexually assaulted twice by two different men. Towards the end of the year. I visited a videographer who said he would help me make only fans content. He claimed to be very respecting of women and professional. He got my tickets to NYC and had me stay at his house for free. The first time I went to NYC I was too nervous and stood him up and just got drunk at a five star hotel in time square alone. It was fun. I saw old college friends. My gut was telling me not. to be around this man. I believe I am psychic to some extent, I read tarot cards and have sold psychic readings before.
So anyways I ended up giving in and going to nyc a second time and agreeing to meet him because I had been laid off from my job and actually have made a lot of money selling content in the past. So I was thinking about diving into full time modeling. I went to his apartment and I was pretty fucked up, macro dosing 1000 to 2000 mlg of weed edibles a day, everyday to self medicate my loneliness and my trauma. He had been flirtatious with me via text but I was also clear that I didnt want to film B/G content and wasnt interested in that. IDK why I didnt lie and say I had a boyfriend but I was abused a lot in my life and I have a pretty bad people pleasing, freeze, fawn instinct. So I didn’t know how to shut down this man’s flirtations. He insisted that he usually doesn’t get with the girls but I was just ‘soooo smart and he’s suchhhh a sapiosexual’ and he made his interest in me very clear. But I was figuring it was just a crush and most videographers get aroused during shoots and that doesn’t mean anything bad would happen. I was also not making good judgement calls across the board because I was getting very high everyday and not thinking clearly.
When I got to his apartment he showed me the bed I would be staying and Im a college graduate and professional so I naively expected this to be pure business and platonic. I have done work for an only fans agency for over a year under a W-9 and it was all very above board with my bosses never hitting on me or doing anything illegal. So I was thinking this opportunity would be like that. Especially cuz he claimed to have been a previous vanilla business owner and cameramen for the WWE which I am a fan of, and have been a since I was a little girl. Dad and I would go to matches and the fictional stories was my safe space, my escape. When I got to the apartment and got on the bed he just made out with me, aggressively.
My back was against the brick wall of the times square apartment. I was frozen in place. And then he went down on me, I actually do not like receiving oral at all, I have ADHD and it’s a sensory issue for me. Ive enjoyed it consensually from partners I was attracted to but this videographer was literally obese with greasy balding hair and perpetually furrowed bushy eyebrows. I remember him describing himself as 'a cunning linguist' via text and me laughing it off and going 'i bet you are' the way I hype up all men. But I never said I wanted that from him because I didn’t ever.
Inside I was all ugh, gag me with a spoon this is so corny its cringy and like- giving me oral was obviously turning him on. Oral still feels like its a way for partners to use my body to get off it rarely feels like its 'for me' unless it was with a attractive partner I was excited to enthusiastically consent to with a clear, sober, unthreatened mind. So I just fake moaned and wiggled until he stopped. But inside I was frozen and I was mortified. I did not want any form of sex with this man. I did not want him to be added to my sexual history, he was not attractive to me. But I was alone, and small, and on drugs in his apartment in a bustling, crime filled city. I didn't know how to say no. I could tell from his smile, that he was getting off on it, that using his tongue on me was still him using me. I faked an orgasm and after what felt like hours he stopped. He said “see I told you I would find a way to thank you 😏.” Because I gave him advice via text. And I just nodded silently. I agreed with whatever he said in the apartment because I didn’t want to upset this fat older man. But I didn’t want him. At all. And my heart twig was snapped in half after how he went down on me. I didn’t feel pleasured or rewarded, I felt objectified and sad and scared.
He would kiss me and grope me and talk about including me in his Only Fans business scheme the whole weekend. But he also talked about being a 'talent manager' aka PIMP for girls as young as eighteen to do escorting. I pretended to be ok with it but it made me feel very scared and uncomfortable. My ex bosses at the only fans agency neverrrr did anything illegal like that!!!! He showed me naked women without asking me, some girl who is big on twitter who has had a double mastectomy. And he tried to say that my pussy was so much better then theres. Im bisexual, it just made me sad. He was degrading them to try and compliment me and my naked body but it just felt degrading to me too. Like an insult to women is an insult to me as a cisgender woman. They are my spiritual sisters.
After the weekend it took a long time for him to get my content back to me. It took me a hot minute to piece together that I even was raped. But I talked about it with a male therapist who explained that was sexual assault. And I talked about it with a guy I was talking to romantically at the time and a few friends and they all agreed. And then I outed the guy online as my rapist with his full name and he dropped off the grid, removed his listing from the website he was using to find 'models' (victims) and is not online anymore as far as me and my support system can tell. I lowkey threatened him because I have family in the FBI. And because trace amounts of my blood are in his apartment because I accidentally cut myself while in his shower. Yay for me I guess but it also just made me feel all scared and sad. Like Im always worried that this rapist pimp will hunt me down and hurt me for hurting his business. And my family is worried too now. I told them everything that happened to me and it was so embarrassing because they were never supposed to know that I was in Only Fans modeling but my soul was so broken after the incident, I even accused my older brother of being a rapist unprovoked with zero reasoning and I wasnt leaving my bedroom and I wasn't sleeping.
Also in 2023 some blonde married man got me drunk and took off the condom while we were fucking without asking me. And he said “I just seemed like that kind of girl.” And that was weird. He told me he worked in Washington DC but he seems to have given me a fake name. The sex was good but I saw him other times in public after that and it was really scary. And I wasn’t able to file a restraining order unless I see him one more time. And even so if he gave me a fake name it won’t do much. All I can do is pray for myself to be safe which I have been. I started going to church and wrote it in a prayer book. And I’m trying to make safer choices. But I also don't know what choices to make because I don't have a lot of friends and dont know how to go about making them, which was true in 2023 and how I ended up in the company of these violent criminals.
I ended up in a mental hospital for my suicidal thoughts and my deep trauma. The hospital diagnosed me with PTSD but they never gave me my blood or STD results back after taking my blood three times. I was in a bad state in the hospital, very paranoid about rapists finding me and falsely accusing everyone of being deceptive scientologists. They also dispensed whatever medicine I asked for almost whenever I asked for it, including Xanax, Klonopin, Sudafed so I think that did not help my unregulated state and contributed to the psychotic syptoms I was displaying in patient. I was in there for ten days but it honestly feels like a giant waste of time because they never got me back my STD results and I ended up discarding the medication they gave me (Abilify) because it was making it so I could not sit still or watch my favorite shows. The only good thing was I met and made friends while I was in patient but a lot of them live far away from me. And I don't have a driver's license because I have so much ADHD and anxiety.
Towards the end of the year I also blocked some cute local age appropriate guy from a singles event that I actually really liked during a paranoid episode. And I wiped my phone and my laptop at bestbuy in my paranoia without a backup. So now Im forever cuckholded from the cute guy because I blocked him, then wiped my phone, then changed my mind about him only after wiping my phone, which is really sad and annoying to me. I also ended up losing this female model I was close with on twitter because I pieced together that she's online friends with some of the people who work for the videographer rapist. And I know that because he was showing me their pussies and calling them 'talent managers'.... pimps. But I also feel sad because she was mostly really encouraging and had a lot in common with me.
It feels so frustrating because I called the men out publicly. Which is what liberal minded ethical people are taught to. And instead it seemed to make everyone more awkward and cruel around ME. For example, I was friends with a guy MT and a girl TK who went to my Ny college. We were supposed to be best friends. But I had a separate falling out with one of their mutual friends ions ago. And when I got out of the hospital I tried to patch things up with the mutual friend, AK because Im always trying to be the bigger person and like I said I get really lonely. Well AK didn't like that and ignored the message and had her boyfriend message me telling me to "stop harassing them." And MT and TK did not defend me at all. In fact, while I was in the hospital TK blocked me when I was asking her for help getting out of the hospital because they were trying to section twelve me (I did not allow it) and she messaged my parents explaining that she was going to block me for a long time because "I was getting in the way of her own healing journey" 🙄 even tho MT and TK have never been sexually assaulted ever in their lives and have very cushy lives with rich parents.
So I blocked TK and MT as friends and blocked them because I feel like they could have/should have defended me knowing I was in the hospital for rapes and had the worst year of my life. ((My uncle also died in 2023 and a girl spread around revenge porn sexts of me.))
And this is all very frustrating for me, because I haven't heard the people responsible for my PTSD suffering any social consequences at all. I just feel so frustrated and I don't know where to go from here. Because I don't know how to make friends or how to deal with the knowledge that all these evil men are out there and just fine because my family and I don't trust the criminal justice system enough to re traumatize me and pursue charges in court. So it's like. I am the victim here. And I had all this stuff happen to me in 2023 and also in my past because I was abused at a daycare and SAd in high school too. And now I have almost no one and I don't know how to even go about forging connections. I loved my college and I hate that I don't have more friends from it. I hate that I got so much social blowback even tho I didn't do anything wrong except for allowing my lonely, naive soul to be in the wrong places with the wrong people at the wrong time. How do you guys deal with the social isolation from outing abusers and having CPTSD?! Lmk

I don't know what to do and am desperate for some sage advice. My situation is that I am all on my own and have no family to go to or even discuss with and I have lost all my friends over the course of this relationship. I have no one to talk about this with because I also don't trust anyone in my former circle not to start gossip either. So I'm coming here...
TLDR: My boyfriend says that he can't help the way he screams every day and verbally abuses me because he is in "pain that no one understands." Also threatens self-harm. I want him to leave but he has nowhere to go. How can I get him to leave?
I met my boyfriend 6 years ago. We hit it off instantly and became close friends, which turned into an on again/off again situationship. I found out he was involved with several girls and another situationship at the time. I tried to break it off several times, but then we became "exclusive" 3 years ago. He moved into my apartment a couple months after we started dating.
After 3 years of living together, I desperately want to leave the relationship and never see him again, and I feel guilty as hell for it. I feel like he has taken advantage of me and is not being honest about his "condition."
And this is why I need to go into the backstory. I don't know if this man ever really loved me or if he is just using me for a place to stay and medical care that doesn't seem to be helping.
When he moved in, he brought barely anything but his computer and clothes. He had $100. Something felt off but I ignored it, because we were so happy at first. A few weeks in, I discovered he was more of an alcoholic than he originally let on. Another week after that, I discovered he had been texting other girls and his ex. We had a huge fight.
About a week later (this would be about 2 months after moving in), my boyfriend hurt his neck. I wasn't there when he did it. He said that he cracked it wrong and felt paralysis, then pain down his arms and shooting pains in his neck and shoulder. I took him to the ER where an MRI was performed, resulting in herniated disc diagnosis. The doctor said it should heal and gave him valium.
Since then, his condition got worse. I have taken him to see 5 different doctors who have not been able to diagnose what he has beyond herniated discs. His only treatment plan has been Neurontin, muscle relaxers, and klonopin. He also periodically gets hydrocodone scripts when "pain is severe," but it doesn't seem to help him.
Actually nothing does. I should know. I am the only person that cares about this man's healthcare. He doesn't "know how to make dr appointments," he doesn't know how to "research insurance," and he has no money. I have done all of this myself desperately trying to get back the man I loved.
Our relationship has stalled because he blames his pain for everything. For instance, he can't help that he screams at the top of his lungs for hours, ranting about everything he can (usually directed at me and why he can't get any help from the right doctors). But he also says he can't kiss me for too long because he can't breathe "correctly." He can't sleep in the same bed because "his back pain is so severe." We can't ever go do anything because "he's constantly in pain."
I have taken on 3-4 jobs to pay for his medical care and all of the other bills. He cannot work. No doctor has been able to help him in 3 years. We have seen many and I take him to the ER almost every month for pain attacks. They never find anything wrong, despite him screaming at them that he can't breathe and is in crisis type of pain. They do some simple tests and send him home with valium.
But you know what? In 3 years, he has never called any doctors or showed an interest in doing. I research and make all the appointments. I take him to the appointments and he actually begs me to go in with him to see the doctor, so I also talk for him at these appointments. He doesn't drive so I get all of his prescriptions and also must help him manage taking them (he overtakes them if I don't).
What is really scary is how he gets violently angry and starts yelling every day "due to pain attacks." Out of nowhere, he will start screaming, shouting, shrieking, threatening himself and me with harm, punching walls, breaking things, and during these episodes, he will verbally attack me and our "messy" apartment or how poor we are or even yell at my cats.
I don't have time to clean. He never cleans but leaves a mess wherever he goes. He smokes constantly and yells if he does not have cigarettes or weed. Admittedly, I am an enabler but I didn't realize that's what I was doing at first. I just wanted to help because no doctors have been able to, but now it is overboard but if I don't get him everything he wants, he starts yelling and screaming more.
My childhood was very abusive. We were homeless for a little while. I believe that I resist confrontation with everyone because of how I learned to hide growing up, and this is why I haven't been able to stand up to him. I am afraid that he will wreck the apartment even more or even that he would die in the street if I force him out.
I work over 60 hours a week and while it's true, I can barely afford all the medical bills and rent, other bills, and groceries, his verbal abuse is so severe and targeted, but he says "I should ignore it because it's because of his pain and he doesn't mean it." He will apologize with tears at the end of the day and beg me to forgive him. I always do because I just want him to leave me alone at this point.
We fight constantly, especially when I am tired and can't take his screaming/abusive rants. I have asked him to leave several times, but it always goes back to him having nowhere to go (he has family and they have a house in another state) and that he wants to harm himself, specifically that "no one will help him so "he might as well just end things for himself."
I would leave, but I don't want to move. I worked so hard for my peace and I loved my apartment before all the holes in the walls and grime everywhere. It's also the most affordable apartment due to my history. It's probably not worth it to hold onto it.
What should I do? How can I make him leave without him going homeless or further causing harm when he is in so much pain? Am I terrible for not wanting to take care of him? I just can't do it anymore.
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Cw: mentions of suicide, guns, description of flashback
Preface: I've struggled with cptsd from childhood trauma and an abusive father, trauma from an abusive ex in a years long relationship, trauma from tak8ng care of said father when he had left body dementia. I'm not a stranger to it. But a lifetime of Dissociation and constant lived traumas made me very numb and confused about everything so even though I've worked on it a lot in therapy and have improved a lot, it's all tangled together so emotional flashbacks etc happen but are still kind of vague and hard for me to pinpoint.
But a couple months ago, I had major surgery (elective and something I wanted) that included a 5 day hospital stay, and they put me on an antibiotic, bactrim, as a preventative. I now know that I have an allergy to it, because over the course of my hospital stay, I started experiencing symptoms that felt progressively worse but myself and physicians handwaved away because they all had plausible explanations and I was recovering from major surgery and on a lot of medications, so of course I was going to feel bad.
At least, that's what I thought, until I woke up in the middle of the fourth night there, and began scream crying at my mother and nurses to shoot me in the head because I was sure I was going to die anyways and I was experiencing such mental and physical torment that all I wanted was for it to end. My skin felt like the worst fever chills in existence times a thousand, like every inch of my skin was going to crackle up and burn to a crisp while somehow simultaneously was freezing solid into ice and cracking off. I was shaking so badly I thought i had Parkinsons like my dad. I tried to get up and run but I could barely walk, so I just stumbled out of the bed and fell down to the ground and started sobbing. I frantically tried to figure out what story of the hospital we were on and if the window would open, but even if it did, and even if I could have dragged myself to it, it was only the second story and it wouldn't have worked. Even if I had had a gun I wouldn't have had the strength or coordination to use it so I started begging my mom and nurses to find a way to stop this. My eyes wouldn't stop moving. My stomach felt like it was trying to escape my body through my mouth, or any other orifice or just straight up ripping itself out like Alien. My throat felt like even though I could breathe there was not just a lump, but a rock of burning coal in it and I couldn't get it out. I was utterly terrified to the pint that I was convinced if nothing else killed me maybe that would, somehow.
I gradually got better over the course of the day, felt a little worse at one point, but no one knew why it was happening and I seemed to be getting better so they discharged me after a dose of Valium. Finally got home, took my evening bactrim dose and it all started to come back and i knew what was wrong, took a ton of benedryl but still felt aome of it come back. The scratchy tongue, the lump in my throat, the rash on a lot of my body, my constantly upset stomach. It all made sense. Gradually got better, although the rash took two weeks and a couple courses of steroids to get rid of.
Up until now I've been kind of....not thinking about it. I've told people what happened, even acknowledged it was probably traumatic, but I was even putting a positive spin on it, how now whenever I'm feeling bad I can push myself through my surgery recovery by saying "it's bad, but it was worse".
But today, I was talking about some stuff and I started thinking about it and noticed my stomach was upset. My feet were getting really cold. I started shaking. And then I was there, back in the diving hospital, pleading to die, feeling like I was in hell and it would never end. I couldn't stop rocking, I started crying and sobbing and yelling and I couldn't control anything and I knew what was happening Nevada of how much mental health shit I've had to deal with and read but it didn't matter, I was terrified and I was naked in front of my mother and nurses and I wasn't going to make it, it was only a matter of time so please just end it so I don't have to keep suffering.
Am currently living with my mom and she came back in the middle of it and did her best and I took a klonopin and I'm starting to get back here but I just
I'm angry. I worked so hard to dissociate less, to feel things, and my reward is a brand new trauma that occured in isolation so I get to fucking feel THAT, I get to experience a brand new trauma response. And it was a fucking antibiotic that did it of all things. Such a fucking stupid thing. I don't feel like I can even properly convey it because when people think ptsd they think abuse, assault, war, horrifying things, and all I had was a stupid fucking allergic reaction to a pill. It's stupid but it doesn't change the fact that I just spent the last two hours uncontrollably sobbing and screaming and I couldn't stop, and I still feel like I'm waking up from a nightmare that I can't quite shake. My feet are still cold and clammy.
I guess I need to finally find a therapist that takes medicaid.

22 years old 6’ foot 265 pounds Male Straight
Medication
Daily Quetipine, escitstalpram, L-Methylfolote, melatonin
As needed Klonopine, adderal
Supplements(not taking yet) Zinc, multivitamin, magnesium, fish oil
Mental issues:
I'm at a point in my life where i feel kind of lost in the endless expanse of modern life. I've battled with depression, asburgers, ADHD, and anxiety all my life, and for years of my life i became a regressing hermit of society practically attached to my bed and tv. i feel the entrophic effects of this over the last few years that felt like a black cloud. I've got no life skills, I can barely read, dull, fat, ugly, slow and my self hatred has grown to a boiling point. I've also deal with common suicidal ideation that shackles me to my room. My self esteem is nonexistent. I’m extremely paranoid. Cognitively I’m behind my peers, constantly forgetting things, stumbling on my words and repressing. It’s another one of many things I am self-conscious about. It’s been a love long challenge.
Self sabotage:
I am very much a self sabotagee. For some reason subconsciously I feel not only that I want to fail but I deserve to fail. I’ve stampeded many live opportunities from this inner deserve because subconsciously I feel I’m the worst person in the world. I feel stuck in this phycological bear trip.
Drugs:
Luckily, I’m not daily drug user. I try to keep it at a minimum, although, preferably I wish I would quit. I don’t do a lot of different substances, just weed and alcohol, and I barely drinks, it’s mainly weed that’s given me trouble. I love the way weed feels, the ratifying love rays that shoot through my veins leaves me feel like I’m on a cloud, 100 feet above my problems, from there I look from a higher vantage point. It’s the only time I’m ever happy, but it’s killing me. My brain is still developing. I’m 22 but I grown up with delayed pubescent, so my brain is very much still developing. I feel in a constant brain fog, forget about everything(even forgot who the president was), and don’t feel as smart as a younger self. It’s terrifying and my anxiety doesn’t help with it.
Sleep:
My sleep has been a life long struggle. It takes me forever to sleep and to wake up. I also sleep 10 hours a day. I’m setting an irritating alarm now but I realize if I have the normal 8 hours of sleep, I feel exhausted all day. I don’t even drink caffeine anymore, it’s impossible to be productive with 10+ hours of sleep. It’s gotten better don’t get me wrong, I used to just not sleep at all.
Social life and my social polarity:
I have friends but I made non of them on my own(brother). Around strangers, I don’t talk to people, I’m not charismatic, perceived as mental challenged, and generally a loser. Although it’s the opposite of perception that I’m held by from my friends. My friends think I’m funny, smart(don’t understand why), and kind. I’m my mom’s favorite person. I feel like I don’t deserve erserve the honor, I’m a bad friend and I’ve given my family hell, and yet I’m loved. It’s the only reason I’m alive. But I want to make new friends, make new connections, and be around new environments. I’m considering taking a improv class. But I’m a nervous wreck about meeting people
Physical:
Im a big strong guy but I’m not physically active. I might kick my brothers ass in basketball once a week and that’s about the most I workout. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to the gym 4 times a week. I went to the gym at the past (half a year ago), and has even joined a basketball league, and played lots of sports in highschool. So I’m naturally athletic but recently I have physically declined. Was fit in high school, but became obese after. I don’t look all that bad for my weight. Everyone thinks I’m a highschool offensive linemen, and my size can make me intimidating at times. I’m 6 foot 265. Food has always been an issue in my life, I’m an eater. I eat a lot. Mostly fast food(love bbq). I have dieted and fasted in the past but it’s sporadic. I eat to cope, It’s a slight dopamine hit that makes my day just a little better.
Love:
I’ve never had a girlfriend due to my social anxiety. I can’t talk to girls for some reason. I feel like I will ruin them. I grew up with a strong mother, and I highly respect women. They have it way worse in society. I’d love to be able to form relationships with women, even if it’s wasn’t for love, just as friends. But I can’t seem to do it. I only have a real relationship with 2 women, my mom(54), and my sister(31). As pertained before I’m my mom favorite person. She tells me that all the time. She everything to me, she’s a special person. I don’t have any other girl-friends in my life. I’m not at the place where I want to start having a girlfriend, I want to be worth the love first but I desire to get there.
Adulting
My adult life is just starting and mom and more people are relying on me. Financially, if I stay on path will be fine. If I finish college, I’d be able to work for 30-35 a hour. I still live with my parents now. Luckily there is another house in the property(6 aches), so I’ll have a house on my own without a mortgage. And my parents are also paying for college. I’m currently in the process of getting a job at wegmans(16$ per hour), and had a job in the past(had to move). Currently, I have 50 dollars in my credit card. I have no bills because I live with my parents and younger brother. Of which, I want to be able to be a brother to him, and show him an example of success.
Failed goals and aspirations:
I've bullshited my way to an associates degree in sociology and imma have to get another one in architecture because I ended up changing geing majors to earn more money and to work with my dad. How can I get a degree when I can barely read. The thing is I have quasi-passions but don't have the strength to pursue them with the depth that is required. I do have passions however. I love music, I'm learning a synth but I'm sporadic with it due to depression. Same with poetry. Another major reasons I don't progress is because I hate everything I make because it reeks of me and my limitations. I've progressed as a whole but too slowly to accomplish my goals and I'm afraid my limitations will drop my off the mountain farther. I want to make music, I want to write, I want to make educational/ personal YouTube videos, I want a girlfriend, I want kids but most of all I want to finally be content with the person I am. I need some life advise, because I feel like I'm lost at sea Share
Fellow redditees. I need some live advice.

22 years old 6’ foot 265 pounds Male Straight
Medication
Daily Quetipine, escitstalpram, L-Methylfolote, melatonin
As needed Klonopine, adderal
Supplements(not taking yet) Zinc, multivitamin, magnesium, fish oil
Mental issues:
I'm at a point in my life where i feel kind of lost in the endless expanse of modern life. I've battled with depression, asburgers, ADHD, and anxiety all my life, and for years of my life i became a regressing hermit of society practically attached to my bed and tv. i feel the entrophic effects of this over the last few years that felt like a black cloud. I've got no life skills, I can barely read, dull, fat, ugly, slow and my self hatred has grown to a boiling point. I've also deal with common suicidal ideation that shackles me to my room. My self esteem is nonexistent. I’m extremely paranoid. Cognitively I’m behind my peers, constantly forgetting things, stumbling on my words and repressing. It’s another one of many things I am self-conscious about. It’s been a love long challenge.
Self sabotage:
I am very much a self sabotagee. For some reason subconsciously I feel not only that I want to fail but I deserve to fail. I’ve stampeded many live opportunities from this inner deserve because subconsciously I feel I’m the worst person in the world. I feel stuck in this phycological bear trip.
Drugs:
Luckily, I’m not daily drug user. I try to keep it at a minimum, although, preferably I wish I would quit. I don’t do a lot of different substances, just weed and alcohol, and I barely drinks, it’s mainly weed that’s given me trouble. I love the way weed feels, the ratifying love rays that shoot through my veins leaves me feel like I’m on a cloud, 100 feet above my problems, from there I look from a higher vantage point. It’s the only time I’m ever happy, but it’s killing me. My brain is still developing. I’m 22 but I grown up with delayed pubescent, so my brain is very much still developing. I feel in a constant brain fog, forget about everything(even forgot who the president was), and don’t feel as smart as a younger self. It’s terrifying and my anxiety doesn’t help with it.
Sleep:
My sleep has been a life long struggle. It takes me forever to sleep and to wake up. I also sleep 10 hours a day. I’m setting an irritating alarm now but I realize if I have the normal 8 hours of sleep, I feel exhausted all day. I don’t even drink caffeine anymore, it’s impossible to be productive with 10+ hours of sleep. It’s gotten better don’t get me wrong, I used to just not sleep at all.
Social life and my social polarity:
I have friends but I made non of them on my own(brother). Around strangers, I don’t talk to people, I’m not charismatic, perceived as mental challenged, and generally a loser. Although it’s the opposite of perception that I’m held by from my friends. My friends think I’m funny, smart(don’t understand why), and kind. I’m my mom’s favorite person. I feel like I don’t deserve erserve the honor, I’m a bad friend and I’ve given my family hell, and yet I’m loved. It’s the only reason I’m alive. But I want to make new friends, make new connections, and be around new environments. I’m considering taking a improv class. But I’m a nervous wreck about meeting people
Physical:
Im a big strong guy but I’m not physically active. I might kick my brothers ass in basketball once a week and that’s about the most I workout. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to the gym 4 times a week. I went to the gym at the past (half a year ago), and has even joined a basketball league, and played lots of sports in highschool. So I’m naturally athletic but recently I have physically declined. Was fit in high school, but became obese after. I don’t look all that bad for my weight. Everyone thinks I’m a highschool offensive linemen, and my size can make me intimidating at times. I’m 6 foot 265. Food has always been an issue in my life, I’m an eater. I eat a lot. Mostly fast food(love bbq). I have dieted and fasted in the past but it’s sporadic. I eat to cope, It’s a slight dopamine hit that makes my day just a little better.
Love:
I’ve never had a girlfriend due to my social anxiety. I can’t talk to girls for some reason. I feel like I will ruin them. I grew up with a strong mother, and I highly respect women. They have it way worse in society. I’d love to be able to form relationships with women, even if it’s wasn’t for love, just as friends. But I can’t seem to do it. I only have a real relationship with 2 women, my mom(54), and my sister(31). As pertained before I’m my mom favorite person. She tells me that all the time. She everything to me, she’s a special person. I don’t have any other girl-friends in my life. I’m not at the place where I want to start having a girlfriend, I want to be worth the love first but I desire to get there.
Adulting
My adult life is just starting and mom and more people are relying on me. Financially, if I stay on path will be fine. If I finish college, I’d be able to work for 30-35 a hour. I still live with my parents now. Luckily there is another house in the property(6 aches), so I’ll have a house on my own without a mortgage. And my parents are also paying for college. I’m currently in the process of getting a job at wegmans(16$ per hour), and had a job in the past(had to move). Currently, I have 50 dollars in my credit card. I have no bills because I live with my parents and younger brother. Of which, I want to be able to be a brother to him, and show him an example of success.
Failed goals and aspirations:
I've bullshited my way to an associates degree in sociology and imma have to get another one in architecture because I ended up changing geing majors to earn more money and to work with my dad. How can I get a degree when I can barely read. The thing is I have quasi-passions but don't have the strength to pursue them with the depth that is required. I do have passions however. I love music, I'm learning a synth but I'm sporadic with it due to depression. Same with poetry. Another major reasons I don't progress is because I hate everything I make because it reeks of me and my limitations. I've progressed as a whole but too slowly to accomplish my goals and I'm afraid my limitations will drop my off the mountain farther. I want to make music, I want to write, I want to make educational/ personal YouTube videos, I want a girlfriend, I want kids but most of all I want to finally be content with the person I am. I need some life advise, because I feel like I'm lost at sea Share
Fellow redditees. I need some live advice.

Okay ladies. Age 47, the wheels fell off the bus. Rolling panic attacks, anxiety, racing heart...shooting pain and electric jolts in the middle of the night. And don't get me started on the nights! Total insomnia and the doctors/meds almost broke me. So...we have to roll up our sleeves and figure out everything that was going on. If I would known this back then, it could have been so much better. So...this is a hub for ladies trying to figure out why their body doesn't feel like it's theirs anymore. Lots of research. Lots of dead ends and a few fantastic tools. And then...there's the hormones. Estradiol and Progesterone. Don't get us started. Actually...do. Most of our research resides at www.indigonaturals.net. Let's start with Dre's Story (now a book here). Sound familiar?

Chapter 1 - Dre's Story - From Perimenopause Hell and Back

​
2017
Worst year of my life!
It was a long time coming but I didn’t really pick up on the signs until after the fact.
Till the dust settled.
This was NOT your average “hot flashes” story.
This was a total spiral down.

Physically, emotionally, and whatever aspect of being on this crazy Earth you want to look at.

This is a guide to what I found out the hard way (bad doctors, bad advice, bad nights!)
Otherwise, let me tell you a little story.
My story.
One note...this centers around estrogen (and progesterone to a lesser extent) but the story for men is very similar...just more gradual.
Rather than the drop off a cliff late 40's (goodbye estrogen), it's a slow decline at 1% per year (so long testosterone) from around age 20. Same effects...just less obvious.
If you’re reading this, there may be elements of it way too familiar to your story but that’s the point.
If I can help one woman avoid the nightmare below...then it might be worth it.
But let’s start with the overview:

• Age 40 - 46 - the slow preamble of not paying attention to myself
• Fall 2016 - Panic attack and crazy periods
• Jan 2017 - Hello ER doctor - one ticket please for a ride to hell!
• Feb - Aug 2017 - Bring in the Clowns (I mean doctors) and brutal medications
• Fall 2017 - Finally, some guidance and maybe….some relief
• Winter 2017 - So...hormones ARE important!
• Spring 2018 - Spring….literally and figuratively
• Summer 2018 - We made it!! You will too!!

Look...I’m not a doctor.
That being said, I was given SO much bad advice (based on the research you'll see later) from so many doctors, I’m not sure it’s a negative.
Try to find a good one...who will work with you through this process.
If anything, you’ll learn what to ask, demand, and negotiate from what I went through.
My perimenopause almost broke me. I’m not exaggerating there.

There was a time around July of 2017 where I had ZERO sleep for 3 days in a row (from Lexapro) and I could swear I was negotiating with “someone” on whether I wanted to be on this Earth any longer.

It was that bad.
The more women I talk to, the more I find similar stories.
Kept in silence. Maybe in shame.
No more! This is not a badge of honor to suffer through silently.
Perimenopause doesn’t have to be a death sentence.
For me...it was literally a rebirth!
I’ll explain later.
Let’s get started.
Like a detective story…
“From the beginning, mam!”

The pre-perimenopause years - Slowly putting on water (and weight)

​
In hindsight, the signs were there.
I am married and have two boys.
I had them at age 30 and 32.
Both were preemies but are okay (except that they are teenagers now).
I often joke that having kids older is crazy for one reason…

Going through perimenopause while they are teens is HORRIBLE!

Really...like I’m in any state to deal with a 15 and 17-year-old??
Anyway, that’s where I was.
I slowly put on weight after the birth of our second born.
My husband is great but I did the bulk of the work with the kids.
Let me guess...that’s typical??

The day to day is just a constant state of “need”.

There was a tendency to neglect myself.
I put on weight slowly but steadily from my original weight of 150 to about 190.
I look back at those pictures and it's shocking now!
So….years of working, raising the kids, PTO, art docent, blah blah…
By age 45-46, I started feeling anxiety in meetings.
I remember the first time at a PTO meeting.
All of a sudden, I felt a slight panic attack come on.
I brushed it off.
And kept GOING.
That was a sign way back in winter of 2015 of what was to come.
We'll look at early warning signals in our perimenopause versus menopause chapter to see how the signs can come really early.
I should have listened!

Fall 2016 - Panic attack and crazy periods

A few milder (if there is such a thing) panic attacks in meetings and doctor offices bunched up in 2016.

We were visiting our friends in Roseville Ca and I suddenly felt like I was having a heart attack.

My friend took me to the ER and they did all the lovely tests.
No heart issues.
Panic attack. Full-blown!
Very strange. I had one panic attack way back when I was starting a new business at age 24.
Nothing really since then.
Around this same time, my period started to really change.
This was gradual over about 3-4 months.

• Irregular duration.
• Coming early or late.
• Bright color and different consistency.

Around Christmas time, I broke down crying for no real reason.
My doctor had noticed a cyst on my ovary earlier in the year but said it wasn’t changing much so we would watch it.
Her recommendation...get ready...
Full hysterectomy.
Thank God I didn’t listen or was too busy to act. (more on Progesterone loss and ovarian cysts in that chapter).
Okay...things were getting strange but I put it off.

“I’ll bring it up at my next annual”.

Perimenopause had OTHER plans!

Jan 2017 - Hello ER doctor - one ticket please for a ride to hell!

One day, late January, I came unglued.
I was on day 7 of this typhoid vaccine for a planned Hong Kong trip and felt like I was being poisoned with each passing day!
My heart was pounding and I felt like I was coming out of my skin.
No real trigger.
Full-blown, rolling panic attacks!
My first (of a few) trips to the ER.
They run all the tests. Everything’s negative.

BP is around 180/130 to start. Pulse is about 130.

I’m hooked up to a saline drip and the ER doctor proceeds to write a bunch of meds for me.
As I’m sitting there for 4 hours, my BP and heart rate start to drop.

Can I now get a side of White Coat Syndrome please!

My battle with blood pressure readings has officially begun.
I go home.
It won’t be my last ER visit.
It definitely won’t be my last piece of bad advice, bad guidance, and terrible outcomes.

Feb - Aug - Bring in the Clowns (I mean doctors) and horrible medications

I’m going to quicken the doctor section because there’s just too much to cover.
This is the overview...the cheat sheet to incompetence if you will.
Let’s list them out first.
The doctors:

• Family practice nurse - hands out a host of blood pressure meds
• Family practice doctor - hands out SSRIs like candy
• Respected Cardiologist (“you’ll be on these for life”)
• Disinterested psychiatrist - talk therapy's tough in total brain fog
• Fake naturopath - "You'll have a stroke with hormones"
• Real naturopath but with SOME bad guidance - "cycle hormones"
• Genetic counselor (actually helped a bit)
• ER doctor who prescribed catastrophic med combination (Thank you for the dance on the edge)
• Good acupuncturist (Oona!!)
• Good naturopath (Dr. Takashima!!)

I’ll leave out all the heavy-handed nurses... “Oh no...I can’t find a pulse...and I was an ER nurse”.

She literally said that when I was coming out of my skin.
There was one ER nurse who was SO freaking awesome! Thank you so much when I needed that!
What about the meds?
The lovely meds they write up after 5 minutes talking to you.
Again, we have full reviews on SSRIs and Benzos online because it’s the most involved history and story there.
But for good measure, here’s the just a small snippet of the medication merry-go-round:

• Hydrochlorothiazide - diuretic for blood pressure
• Metoprolol - Beta Blockers for BP and racing heart (we'll cover the stress cascade later)
• Lotensin - ACE inhibitor for BP
• Propranolol - another beta since the first one had bad side effects
• Bystolic - since Lotensin had side effects

All these bp, heart rate meds made me feel horribly.
Read up on how they actually work and what they take out of the body.
The book, Drug Muggers by Suzy Cohen is a must-read.
Here’s the deal...I never had a BP issue or heart racing till age 47.
And suddenly.
Ding ding ding….bells going off...maybe hormone related due to age??
Nope. Not for all these doctors. Wait till you see what estradiol and progesterone do in the heart and the brain area that governs it!
Business as usual. Load up the meds.
Now let’s get into the meds for the anxiety.
Good times.
Just a small sampling, a taster if you will:

• Xanax
• Klonopin
• Ativan
• Valium

Never mind the black box warning for tolerance and addiction! You're not supposed to be on them more than 2 weeks!
​
And icing on the cake...doctor’s goto for perimenopause…
Lexapro.

Here you go little lady, take these and don't cause such a commotion.

One of the doctors actually looked at my husband who came to the visits with me and told HIM,

"This will give you a break at home". Wink wink.

Fill in the blank for your doctor’s favorite SSRI
Check out how SSRIs really work (till they don't due to tolerance).
​
Fascinating!

What I really love was the taste of metal and a total flatline of feeling.

Oh...and the 3 days of zero sleep ending in the ER.
They don’t really mention that coming off of any of these meds might be a living hell.
Both classes build tolerance! Benzos throw in an addiction kick by spiking dopamine.
​
Again, I've really detailed the to’s and fro’s of this medication medley in the links above.
When I became less angry about it :)
So how were all these meds working with NO hormone support??
All these meds sent me a tailspin.
Symptoms at any given time during the 6-month window:

• Heart would race all night (and day at the worst of it)
• Blood pressure would spike all over the place
• Feeling of dizziness
• Lack of energy
• Negative thoughts
• Anxiety and depression
• Waking up every few hours like a shot of adrenaline hit me
• Pain inside
• My feet went nuts!!! I couldn’t walk, they hurt so bad!
• Irregular bowel movements!
• Yeast infections
• Staph flare-ups
• Headaches
• No appetite (my weight dropped 30 pounds in 1 month from the Lexapro)
• A feeling like my insides were vibrating or shaking

I felt horribly for months!
Around August, I cut all the meds.
All of them.
I graduated off every med there with this little pill cutter (long since burned!).
The story here of weaning off benzos and weaning off SSRI's.
I was nervous especially since the doctors had told me the bp and pulse were going to kill me.
I just felt so bad on them.
My husband and I were scouring the internet and learning everything we could!
If it’s out there, I tried it.

In our pantry, there is a Killing Fields of supplements, ointments, elixirs, and balms.

It looks like storage for a medieval witch doctor.
We’ll touch on all those in our Toolkit chapter later for ones that don't build tolerance (the enemy longer term!!).
My fake naturopath put me on synthetic progesterone.
It helped a bit.
I wasn’t Defcon 1 anymore.
I researched and learned about the benefits of bioidentical progesterone over synthetic which the first naturopath didn't know then (have since changed).
Love this website and this article here (shout out to Lara Briden):
https://www.larabriden.com/the-crucial-difference-between-progesterone-and-progestins/

Good lord...it's right there in NIH studies:Progesterone was associated with lower breast cancer risk compared to synthetic progestins when each is given in combination with estrogen, relative risk 0.67; 95 % confidence interval 0.55–0.81.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4960754/
Umm…33% reduction in cancer risk (one of the big scare tactics with hormones from the medical field; clotting being the other - much more on this later) from bioidentical versus synthetic!
Can't tell you the number of doctors that have said "bioidentical is just a marketing ploy!"
The misinformation or just lack of info that DOCTORS have is amazing.
I found a new doctor.
The beginning of turning this thing around.

Fall 2017 - Finally, some guidance and maybe….some relief

My next doctor “specialized” in balancing hormones for women.
She did get me on the right path but also handed out some bad info (adrenal fatigue, cycling hormones, etc).
But...we were coming out of the ether finally.
We switched to Prometrium bioidentical progesterone. Progesterone supports GABA (target for benzos), calms the immune system, while keeping estradiol excess under check!
It drops by 50% at age 40 and keeps going down (hence all the autoimmune, histamine, and other issues that crop up for women 8 to 1 versus men).
We'll get to know progesterone In its own chapter later..it's huge! Especially for mental health. Your sleep is going to thank you for it.
This is after someone FINALLY ran my hormone panels.
Get a Dutch test as soon as you can!

Can you believe all the other doctors just looked at baseline Estrogen.

Did none of them understand the importance of Progesterone?? Testosterone??
No… because that’s a few hours dedicated during medical school and let’s face it...it’s for women with a focus on reproduction.

I hate saying that but if men were routinely losing their shit around age 48, this would have been addressed a long time ago!

This doctor put me on the right path but there were other things in hindsight (and a ton of research which you'll get below) where she was off.
There was lots of talk about adrenal fatigue and various ways to fix that.
I learned much later (on my own) what’s really going on there.
So much simpler.
And guess what, it’s another hormone.

Winter 2017 - So...hormones ARE important!

Look...there are other aspects at play here.
Obviously.

• Nutrition
• Genetic
• Diet
• Environmental factors
• Early trauma, infection, and stress (maybe why some women get hit so hard during peri)

I’ll touch base on each of those in separate sections later but…
Hormones are QUEEN!
It’s kind of ridiculous to say this in regards to perimenopause.
Perimenopause is a big shift….in hormones (really estrogen since progesterone has been dropping for a while now).
​
It’s the CHANGE that’s crushing us.
We'll go deep into my estrogen journey and/or as an alternative, Siberian Rhubarb.
For the Progesterone support, we'll look at supplementation and pregnenolone.
You'll see we don't mess around when it comes to research!
I finally find a good doctor (Dr. Takashima!))
She’s the first one to actually run all the tests!

• Full hormone panels (yes, there are three estrogens and one of them is an ass-kicker for my symptoms!)
• Nutrition and allergy panels - histamines were a major issue for me!
• Total lab work including D, B, inflammation markers, and on and on

How is it that these weren’t run way back in the beginning??
The amount of suffering that could have been prevented.

• My general doctor - FAIL
• My OBGyn???? FAIL She’s a woman in her late 40’s for God’s sake
• My Cardiologist FAIL "you'll be on these for life"
• Fake NaturoPath 1 FAIL "you'll have a stroke on hormones"
• Real NaturoPath 2 Partially got there "cycle hormones and adrenal fatigue"

It’s really pretty amazing.
I’ll touch base on all the things I learned about testing and labs later on.
I’ll let you know the labs that packed the most punch so you can try to avoid wasting money.
So hormones:

• Bio-identical oral progesterone - Check!
• Testosterone cream - Check!
• Bio-identical oral Estradiol - Check!

UPDATES: After much research, I have finally gotten to bioidentical oral estradiol. The process was labored (3 years of fighting - we'll cover this journey later).
FIrst, there's the fear of estradiol itself. (deep dive in that Estradiol section - you're going to be angry!!)
Then there's the voodoo around oral estrogen:
oral estrogen. We did a deep dive on that for an entire chapter based on brand new research around Bijuva.
For my situation, the triumvirate!
And a lot of supplements (Magnesium glycinate, Vitamin D, Methylated B vitamins, Siberian Rhubarb, etc)
📷
What did that do?

Spring 2018 - Spring….literally and figuratively

Bad nights went from every night to 1 or 2 per week.
And then….things started to change.
I started sleeping through the night again!!.
There were some additional helpers, but I can’t tell you how different I feel now.

The spring of 2018 had me tweaking and testing levels of hormones, supplements, and other items.

In order of importance!
There were other things I did to help of course:

• I swim every day...just 30 minutes and not crazily but find what works for you
• I eat so much better now! Single item ingredients. Vegetables. Meat. Good fats (no more seed oils). Your hormones are made from LDL cholesterol by the way!
• I have a regiment of basic supplements based on my body and genetics
• I value sleep! I value family and friends.
• I meditate 10 minutes a day (that new Calm app is awesome!) Check out exercise and meditation for neurogenesis here.

Meanwhile, back to my clawing back story….

Summer 2018 - We made it!! You will too!!

By summer 2018, not only can I sleep through the night but I can almost handle when my 15-year-old has 3 friends sleepover.
Can they possibly close the doors quietly in the house?
Are they just incapable of doing that?
Anyway. I’m about 99% there.
I keep learning and testing things out.
Trying to fine-tune the crazy, complicated female body as it goes through a huge change.
Here’s the net take-away…

If you do this right, you may feel better over the next decade than you have since your 20’s!

I’m not kiddings!
Science is changing so quickly.
Many of the things we associate with feeling young and good slowly go down as we get older.
We can offset this with the right actions.
Perimenopause is a change but it can be a change for the better.
Right now, let’s get you on the other side of it.
If you’ve read this far, you’ve hit some of the roadblocks I mentioned above.
Feels something like an oncoming car.
Figuring out the root cause (hormones, nutrition) and getting some relief (Toolkit later) saved my life.
There's no band-aiding loss of estrogen and progesterone! Every cell of your body has receptors. Heart. Bone. Liver. Immune system. Brain!!
Hopefully, it helps other women who are literally flying blind!

Hindsight is 20/20 - My perimenopause review.

I was soooo low and helpless that I really started to question whether I was going to make it.
This is after 30 years of being a rock.
Knowing myself. Raising two very active boys. Married and loving my husband for 18 years. Starting my own successful business.
Rock….bottom.

People thought I had cancer in 2017.

I literally disappeared. I couldn’t get out of bed.
Here’s the deal...if you’re starting to feel any of this…
The fix is probably simple.
It’s not rocket science (it is...but not once you KNOW).
Our body is run by simple cycles.
Perimenopause is flux in all these cycles.

Your body has been used to a certain equilibrium for over 30 years (since puberty).

All of a sudden, the ground beneath you is shifting.
This FEELS like stress to all the interconnected systems.
Not every woman gets hit the same way but you would be surprised how many are getting walloped the same way I did.
Millions.

It's estimated that 25% of women will have a DEBILITATING perimenopause. Like mine. (We'll find out why next)

No matter how bad it is right now, trust me...you can feel better.
We WILL get you back on your feet.

You WILL come out of perimenopause happier, stronger, and healthier than ever.

You can’t really explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it.
I did. Let me save you some suffering and time
This is my way of saying thank you for getting my life back.
Much love and support to all my ladies out there trying to find ground.
Dre
​
That's just Chapter 1 and we'll go through any questions that hit this subreddit. The full guide is here.

Hello friends,
This is an earnest question. I'm not trying to yank anyone's chain.
I've been taking benzos since the mid 80s off and on. I'm very tolerant to them now. It's to the point where I can take 6mg Klonopin DAW brand (not generic clonazepam) and not feel a bit of relief.
That's a really bad sign. Unless someone put my vial in the microwave, that is...
So, I've concluded that the oral route no longer works. There's other routes of introduction that do, however. I had "emergency meds" once or twice in the hospital of IM lorazepam, probably 2mg. That did a wonderful job. 2mg lorazepam isn't that much.
I looked at my med formulary once about a year ago, not for my current plan, but for a similar Medicare Advantage one. It paid for lorazepam vials (or ampoules, whatever term you want to use.) If insurance pays for them, then insurance feels it's okay to use IM or subq (not IV) lorazepam under certain circumstances, no? If so, what are the conditions under which a patient can have ampoules at home to use?
I'd like to ask my physician for a benzo but something other than oral. Oral is a waste of time. I don't want to get branded an addict or a seeker, get that ingrained in my EHR, etc. So I don't know if it's a good idea to start asking for vials/ampoules, or Valtoco through the nose ... I'll pass on Diastat (that's messy,) etc.
I shoot up Victoza every week, there's no stigma to that. Diabetics shoot up Lantus every day, that's condoned. So, is there a stigma to injecting lorazepam if you suffer from refractory anxiety disorder and there's no quality to your life, you're afraid to leave the house, you're not functioning, you've tried the BuSpar and Vistaril alternatives with no success, etc.?
I'd really like to know. It's dangerous to try to dissolve tablets in water and inject them using syringes you bought off Amazon. I could have hurt myself even though I was trying to make it a "sterile procedure," be extremely careful, etc. There's always the pulmonary embolism concern.
Crushing Xanax and snorting them doesn't work either, even though people are under the impression it does. Benzos get absorbed beyond the duodenum, isn't that correct....?
This is a major problem and I cannot accept the fact that I won't get any relief in the future from how I feel all the time via pharmacotherapy.
Thanks.

I’ve been through the ringer. Just when I thought I might be safe I’m back to being terrified 24/7.
Long story short. You name it, I have it.
I have post finasteride syndrome, PSSD, long covid, hard flaccid, and CPPS.
Last year I got long covid. When I say I never thought I’d survive it, I am not kidding. There was a point when I couldn’t go outside. I couldn’t stand long enough, let alone tolerate sunshine or sunlight. My head felt like I was being held upside down 24/7. I did survive it however, and came out feeling 85% myself. I kissed the ground and felt a entirely new appreciation for life.
Then I got the vaccine and it made my symptoms return. I became depressed. This year, after trying wellbutrin for depression thinking it was safe, I had the pleasure of experiencing persistent genital arousal disorder. As the PGAD lessened I had the opposite: genital numbness and worsened ED.
I did a couple prostate massages which gave me heightened sensitivity in my penis and I had lots of sex for a week with my wife. That and some increased masturbation, and now it seems like I’m looking at hard flaccid.
I have really bad ED, but the worst part is CONSTANT pain in my genitals and pelvic floor. It’s a pins and needles sensation. Nerve pain it seems. It’s awful and it’s been unrelenting for 2 months. I have had CPPS for 10 years but this is next level. It makes me suicidal. I cry everyday at least once, then I get up and try to cobble together some semblance of a day, which is not much usually. I am 38 years old, had to leave a career I love in television and move back into my parents house. My wife, bless her heart, came with me even though I cried and told her please to live your life, you should find someone else I think I’m done. She has stuck by me and I want to get better for her, but I feel like I’m broken beyond repair. I mainly don’t see anyone because the pain is so bad.
I’ve been pushing a boulder up a hill for 1.5 years with long covid. The pgad and hard flaccid and pssd came on while trying to treat the long covid. Honestly long covid was nothing compared to these conditions. Having this awful feeling between your legs all day takes a heavy toll on your life.
I want to live for my wife. I look at her and my heart just breaks. I feel so bad for her. I feel bad for myself. Our lives were great 1.5 years ago. Now I am living in the shadows and just sort of surviving day to day. I told my wife, I feel like I am dangling off a building by my fingertips. That is the physical and emotional exhaustion of chronic pain and pelvic floor and sexual dysfunction.
I am having a terrifying amount of suicidal ideation. I go back and forth between thinking of death, and then thinking of my wife: my sweet, gorgeous, compassionate and brilliant wife who loves me and needs me alive, who had a functional husband who used to work and laugh and cook and could make love or her, and whose heart and life would be crushed forever if I were gone. This is what usually brings me to tears, thinking of how my death would destroy her. Thinking of how my happy place is in her arms, but life has become so painful that that may not be enough to save me.
I don’t know what to do. Joy is gone from my life. I have chronic stabbing pain pelvic floor. I have shooting pain through my penis. My genitals are numb. I can barely exercise due to long covid and pain. I don’t see a future for myself but I still want to live, but other times I’m not so sure.
Things would be a lot easier if I didn’t have pain. I guess I could learn to cope with loss of libido and impotence, it’s the pain that drives me nuts and deprives me of sleep and makes it imposible to imagine the next day, let alone a future. It ensnares you, it morphs you into someone you don’t recognize.
Any words of encouragement would really be helpful. I feel like I’m on the precipice. I’ve had moments where I have convinced myself that death would be a relief. But I’m scared to die. I don’t want to die. I love my wife. I love her so much.
I have tried: gabapentin, baclofen, klonopin, supplements, cialis, stretching, yoga, docazosin, acupuncture, HBOT, and pelvic floor PT.

For my entire life i've noticed i'm different from all my peers. I've never had a dream for anything, I don't react to emotions the same way everyone else does. My entire life my friends and family have said i'm overly sensitive and need to grow up but its like my brain just doesn't have that ability to "grow up". Im either extremely sad or whatever emotion it is, it's always to the extreme. Yet with these extreme emotions, an example would be extreme happiness. I still don't find joy in anything. Its like theres just a hole in my heart or brain for joy. Like I still feel "excited" but that's only if I have money or get money. I don't even feel grateful for gifts, I've always just acted the way you're supposed to act when you get them. The past month has really torn me down into shreds even more. I went to the mental hospital after cutting my wrists in front of my mom and wanted to attempt suicide by cop by running at them with the knife but I couldn't do it with my mom there. I was then thrown in a police car with the cuffs tight on my wrist cuts making me bleed even more. The mental hospital destroyed me so much. I felt like a prisoner for wanting to leave the world and hating myself. They neglected my asthma a lot which made me think I was going to die one night. They also just fed me ativan constantly, like non stop.
The day I got out I was feeling like I was on top of the world, but then I was broken up with as soon as I texted my then girlfriend. After that I fell into a deeper hole and now just about a week ago my cat passed away. It feels like im losing everything I tried to love.
I attempted a couple nights ago with 100 mg of valium and a lot of klonopin mixed with a lot of gabapentin and yet I'm still here. I just want to go all out and mix as much medication and alcohol that I can but part of me doesn't wanna leave my mom behind. She's the only thing keeping me going in life. I hate that because in my extreme "episodes" (idk what to call them) I have said horrible things to her. Some of the worst things a mother could hear from her kid. I've threatened to shoot myself in front of the family, her, i've threatened others and said some more psychopathic / manipulative things. But I know i'm not a psychopath and I hate the manipulative talk that comes out of my mouth sometimes. It's like its not even me talking.
My childhood wasn't the worst but I still saw a lot of things kids shouldn't see and i've had to call the cops cause of abuse in my home and that still haunts me at night. I was the main target of my old friend group which has left permanent trust issues with any new friends I make and even my new current friend group.
Anyways what i'm getting at is I'm just tired of feeling like nobody I know understands me, I feel alone and in constant physical pain from how bad my anxiety and emotions are.
Now after writing this entire thing I feel like there's no need for it but I should still post it cause I know I will feel like this in just another couple hours. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me. Im diagnosed with OCD and according to the mental hospital I went to im bipolar but my psychiatrist says that seems wrong. I see him on october 10th so maybe me and him will figure something out.

It was a regular Monday when I got the text from Uncle Jack asking me to call him. Jack owns a bar in Geneva so I figured one of his workers had called off last minute. Because we are a tight family, and I live the closest, I assumed I was going to be asked to fill in. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but I already had plans lined up for the week. In my college days I would have jumped to call him back. Working nights at the bar was good money, and an even better opportunity to meet girls. I was now in a committed relationship and sometimes happy, also I didn’t need the extra money. I opened the text to clear the notification and left it at that. If asked about it later I would say I didn’t see it. But I really just hoped he would forget.
I work remotely as a copywriter. Because of this I have the freedom to break my weeks up so the heavy work is done Monday through Wednesday. Thursday is just proofreading and submitting my work. This leaves me a long weekend to drink and hangout with my girlfriend Alice. It is a great routine that I have going. I got into this career because I don’t like heavy obligations and lack of control.
With most of the work I had planned for today done, I grabbed a beer from the fridge and settled in front of the TV. I live in a small but comfortable apartment. A typical bedroom, kitchen, living room setup on the third floor. I checked the time on my phone and saw it was a quarter to 5. Alice would be getting done with her shift at the hospital soon. Alice works as a nurse. The typical routine is for her to leave the hospital, run to her place, shower, change, then head over here. I say typical because her shifts run late fairly often. That she hadn’t texted meant there was no change to the schedule. As I was checking the time I noticed a missed call from my Mom. Not thinking much about it, I clicked her name on the screen and put the phone up to my ear.
“Hey Elliot, how was your day?” She asked.
It’s going well. Got my work done and am relaxing until Alice gets here. How are you doing?”
“Things are going well over here. I had a long chat with your sister. Her and Gil have a camping trip planned for this weekend.” Gil is my sister's long term boyfriend who to the family's annoyance hasn't proposed. “Hey by the way, Jack called me earlier today when I was at work. I missed his call but he left a message wanting me to tell you to call him.”
“He actually texted me earlier. I assumed it was to pick up a shift at the bar. It's wild that he would call you and not me.” I said
“It’s because you never answer your phone! You are 26 years old and still need your mother as a middle man. Call him back will you? I don't need him blowing up my phone trying to contact you.”
“Okay, okay. I will call him now before Alice gets here. Talk to you later, alright?”
“Tell Alice I said hi would you? Talk later.”
We hung up the phone and I begrudgingly opened up my contact list. I really wasn’t looking forward to hearing all about how he needs me to fill in. I clicked Uncle Jack’s number and put the phone to my ear.
“Hey Elliot?” He answered.
“Hi Uncle Jack. Sorry I wasn't able to call you earlier. I just saw your text.” I lied.
“That’s no problem. I’m assuming you thought I was calling about something related to the Drink-Hive. (Drink-Hive is the name of Uncle Jack's Bar). “But I was actually wondering if you would be able to house sit my dog Alfie, Friday through Monday. Aunt Mary and I are leaving for Fort Lauderdale tomorrow. Up to Thursday we have a neighbor boy looking over him, but he goes to his Fathers house on weekends. Since you work remotely I thought I would ask.”
I had spent quite a bit of time at Mary and Jack’s house growing up. I think that just comes along with having a family that lives close by. I never knew how much money Drink-Hive pulled in, but apparently it was enough. Uncle Jack had a remote four bedroom house with everything you could want. Hot tub, pool and foosball tables, and a 5 seater bar loaded with hard liquor. Since the house was so remote, you could throw a party there and no neighbors would complain.
I thought about it for a second before answering. “I actually have plans with Alice to go up to her parents house this Saturday.” This is a complete lie. Alice's parents live in town. I just wanted to make it sound far away so Jack would give me some incentive to do this. “I guess I could call off, but I really don't get to see them as much as she likes.” I said.
“How about this? I'll load the fridge and pantry and buy you beer. You won't need to buy dinner, plus you and Alice can enjoy the hot tub. I normally wouldn’t ask you to spend the night, but we have terrible weather this weekend and Alfie hates thunder”.
I heard his offer but I still wanted more. “I’ll tell you what. If you load the house with beer and hook me and my friends up with free drinks at Drink-Hive, I will cancel on Alice’s parents’.
“You got it. Jack said. “I will text you the garage code on Thursday. What kind of beer do you want?”
“A few cases of Modello will do the trick. I can’t watch Alfie if I am dehydrated”.
“Thanks Elliot. Tell Alice I say hi, I will talk to you later”.
“Bye”. I hung up the phone just as Alice walked into my apartment.
“Hey babe. Thank God work wasn’t swamped. Today was bad enough”.
She walked over and sat down next to me on the couch. I kissed her on the temple and put my arm around her. “I have to watch Uncle Jack's house this weekend. He has this dog Alfie that hates thunder. He is going to stock the house up with food and beer. He also has a hot tub”. As I said the words “hot tub” I slowly moved my hand down and grabbed her breast. My God Alce was beautiful. 5 '2, straight red hair, and smart as a whip. I don't know how a dork like me got so lucky.
Alice slapped my hand away in a playful manner and mocked surprise. “I have the night shift Friday. I’m guessing it will be busy. And isn’t it supposed to be a lightning storm?” She said with an overdramatic frown.
“The whole deck has a canopy over it. Plus it would be nice to watch the storm while sitting in the hot water. There are no neighbors around either.” I said this reaching for her tits again. This time she didn’t stop me.
I rolled over with her on top of me. Her hair smelled so good. As I held her, Alice moved her mouth near my ear and whispered, “I have a new bathing suit that you haven't seen yet”.
“Don’t bother. You won’t need it”.
The rest of the work week passed as usual. I spent Thursday editing my work and getting a jump on next week's assignments. If I was going to be camping out at Uncle Jack’s house, I wanted to treat it like a vacation. Everyone hates the work they will have to catch up on once they get back. I was about to call Alice before her shift when I got a text from Uncle Jack:
“The garage code is 84562. I have everything you asked for at the house. If you can, would you arrive by Noon to give Alfie his breakfast? If not, no later than 2.
I texted back, “Thanks. I will be there tomorrow at Noon.” And hit send.
Nothing eventful happened the rest of the day. I called Alice before her shift and she came over after work. We went to bed early and got breakfast in the morning.
“You sure you are going to be okay in a house loaded with beer?” Alice asked.
“What else am I going to do? I’ll see if Ole Jack cares if he gets some movies charged to his account.” I said.
“You'll just have to look forward to Saturday. And don’t you dare watch porn on your Uncle's TV!” Alice said half joking.
After breakfast I kissed Alice goodbye and told her I would call her later. It was already drizzling as I headed over to Uncle Jack's house. The weather was going to be at its worst tonight and tomorrow morning. I pulled up at the house, entered the garage code, and pulled my car into one of the three garage bays. Uncle Jack only had one car, which he drove to the airport with Aunt Mary. The rest of the garage was open except for his two motorcycles in the farthest bay.
Upon entering the house, I immediately noticed two cases of Modello on the ground. Not satisfied, I opened the refrigerator to find one row lined with beer. That is more like it. I grabbed a beer and wondered if Uncle Jack thinks I am an alcoholic. As I closed the refrigerator door I noticed Alfie staring at me from the end of the laundry room hall.
“That's a good boy!” I said as I approached him and entered the laundry room. On top of the washing machine was a bag of food. His food and water bowl were in the right corner of the room. “Breakfast time buddy.” I said as I opened the bag and saw that there was a food scoop in it. Alfie immediately perked up and started running in small sharp circles.
After Alfie was fed I spent a few hours shooting pool, playing Jack's drums, drinking beer, and walking through the house. When it got dark out I decided to look through Uncle Jack's movie collection. If he didn’t have anything to watch, I most definitely was going to rent something. Luckily for Jack, I found a Blu-Ray of World War Z. As I walked into the movie room there was a huge bang of thunder. Aflie started howling and rain violently pelted the windows. This was the perfect setting to watch an Action/Horror flick. Alfie came darting into the room and immediately jumped on one of the recliners. “Good Boy” I said as I turned everything on and opened the Blu-Ray player.
I was well into the movie when a sudden burst of thunder exploded and the whole house went black. I was annoyed by this because I was at the point in World War Z where Brad Pitt’s family was going to get kicked off the aircraft carrier. I turned on my phone flash light and shined it around the room. I could tell that Alfie was under the blanket on the other couch because of its perpetual shaking.
With my light, I made my way into the basement to where I presumed the cable box would be. In my mind I thought about how cliche it would be if something happened. I walked into the storage room in the back of the basement. With a sweep of the light I found the cable box. I opened it up and turned all the switches off, waited 5 seconds, then turned everything on. To my delight that's all it took for the lights in the house to turn back on. I was about to close the cable box door when I noticed a small sticky note on the bottom. It read:
“Go to backyard shed for hot tub and deck electrical”
Would a power outage shut down the heaters for the hot tub? I was planning to use it with Alice tomorrow so I figured I should check. I went back upstairs, put on my shoes, told Alfie hewas a good boy, and grabbed an umbrella from the laundry room closet. The rain was torrential and the shred was all the way in the back of the yard.
As soon as I stepped outside the umbrella immediately thrashed in my hand. Forgetting it, I closed and dropped it, jogging to the shred. I was almost at the door when I realized that it might be locked. To my delight, the handle turned and I pushed it open. I had never been inside of Uncle Jack’s shed, but it has always been here. It was well kept on the inside and out. Summer games, yard chairs and lawn equipment lined the room. I scanned the walls for a circuit box and saw that there was another door in the back of the shred. “That doesn’t make sense”, I said under my breath. The shred wasn’t big enough for another room. I didn’t find the power box so I assumed the door was an electrical closet. I tried the handle but to my annoyance it was locked. There was a very unusual lock attached to the door. The lock looked like it took a key with three pegs. I was about to call Uncle Jack and tell him about the possible power outage but my phone read 12:42 AM. I figured he was probably asleep in Fort Lauderdale. No use in bothering him, I just need to find the shed key. It’s most likely in one of the kitchen drawers.
Back in the house, I took off my soaked shoes and put the umbrella I had dropped back into the closet. I began my search looking through the kitchen and laundry room cabinets for a shed key. I figured it would be close to the back deck entrance but I couldn't for the life of me find it. My search expanded from the two rooms to the entire house. After checking every other drawer and cabinet in the house. It became obvious to me that it had to be in one of the two rooms I hadn't checked. Jack and Mary’s bedroom, or Jack's upstairs study. I didn’t want to go in either of those rooms because it felt like an invasion. I hesitated, but the thought of having sex with Alice in the hot tub was enough to convince me.
I figured that I would check Uncle Jack’s study first. This was always off limits when I visited as a child, so stepping in the room gave me a surreal feeling. I looked at the multiple bookshelves lining the walls. Small nick-nacks rested on the giant desk in the center of the room. I walked around it and sat in the comfortable leather chair that faced the door. I wouldn’t mind bringing my laptop in here and working in the comfort of Uncle Jack’s study. Remembering what I was here for, I started opening his desk drawers. In the second of the three desk drawers, there was an envelope that had the words, “SAFETY BOX” on it. Inside the envelope was a small key that looked like it was for a microscopic lock. I thought about it for a second and realized that this was the key to a fireproof box that probably had all of Jack and Mary’s private documents. My parents had one as well and it was always under their bed. Without thinking about the invasion of privacy I was about to commit, I entered the master bedroom and crouched underneath the bed.
Unfortunately, when turning on my flashlight, I was met with a load of crap. Everything from gift wrapping paper, cardboard boxes, and fallen pillows littered the underside of the bed. If I was going to find the specific lock box I was looking for, I was going to have to drag all of this crap out. I really did feel like giving up, but the idea of making out with Alice in a hot tub as rain fell around us pushed me forward. Plus I already invaded my Uncle's privacy enough, why give up now?
I fell into a cycle of pulling out crap, and looking underneath the bed with my light. On the fourth attempt, I noticed a small all-white box wedged against the wall at the head of the bed. Reaching under and grabbing it, I knew that I had found what I was looking for. As I sat on the trashed floor of Uncle Jack’s bedroom, I popped the key from the desk into the lock and opened it. Inside the box were folded up documents, a handgun, a few mags of ammunition, and finally, a wild looking key that had three prongs sticking out the sides.
I didn’t bother cleaning everything up. As soon as I had the key I ran downstairs to the back deck doorway. After getting my shoes on, I made my way across the yard to the pitch black shed. With my phone light guiding me, I walked to the locked door that made no logistical sense being there. I popped in the key and started spinning it around. After fidgeting with the lock for a few moments, I heard an internal click and the door opened outward.
I shined the light inside and was met with a completely empty room resembling a closet. The room only had space for a single person, but even then they wouldn’t be able to stretch out their arms. What even is this room? I looked around at the walls to see if there was a fuse box, but there was nothing. I took a step into the small empty space. As my foot landed inside, I heard a muffled, almost hollowed sound. I stepped out and shined my phone light on the ground. The floor was wooden, opposed to the concrete floor in the rest of the shed. I got down on my hands and knees and started knocking. The floor was definitely hollow. I felt around and noticed that on the far left side of the floor, there was a small pull tab. I awkwardly learned over from the doorway and pulled up. The floor popped out of place revealing a dark hole with a ladder.
After sliding the floor panel out of the way, I stared down into the hole for a few minutes. Several thoughts went through my mind, the most rational being that Uncle Jack had built a bomb shelter underneath his shed. I don’t know why he hadn’t told anyone in our family. It is weird that he would have built something like this and not mentioned it.
I lowered myself on the ladder, balancing my phone flashlight as I went. The descent was less than 10 feet. As I stepped off the ladder, I felt softness underneath me. I shined my light and realized that I was standing in a carpeted hallway, which opened up into a large concrete room. This is what I assumed was the bomb shelter, but there was no supplies or rations. I began to get the feeling that I had walked into something that I wasn't supposed to.
At first glance, it looked like a room with tools. There were table saws, meat hooks, drills, and other miscellaneous construction tools. It wasn’t until I shined my light at the wall and a light shone back at me, that I started to understand. The entire wall and ceiling on the right side of the room was a mirror. In view of these mirrors was what looked like a dentist chair. There were straps and chains that would keep anyone who was sitting in it completely immobile. Lining the other walls were similar racks of tools. Knives, flick open shaving razors, and bondage equipment. It was after doing a 360 of the room that I noticed something that I hadn't initially. Right by the doorway that I walked in, there was a desk with multiple monitors and camera equipment. Leaning up against the desk was a tripod with a professional looking camera on it. On the floor next to the desk, DVD cases stacked up to waist level. I lifted up the first DVD and saw that it had a date on it. The one under it did as well. The DVD I was holding was dated approximately two weeks ago.
I either didn’t grasp what I was looking at, or I was in shock. Because without fully realizing what I was doing, I started walking down the carpet halfway to the ladder. I was still holding the most recent DVD as I made my way out of the shed. From there I crossed the yard into the house, through the kitchen, and straight to the movie room. I turned everything on, inserted the disk, and watched as the scene before me came into frame.
In the center of the screen was my Uncle. He was wearing a balaclava, but from his voice and body shape I could tell that it was him. Strapped to the dentist chair was a completely naked man. The man was gagged with duct tape and had a horrified look in his eyes.
“Alright ladies and gentleman!” My Uncle said, looking at the camera. “Tonight we have something very special! As was requested by User462, we will now begin insertion of the catheter!”
Just as Uncle Jack finished saying this, two other men who I didn’t recognize walked into the shot. The taller of the two men produced a syringe from his pocket and stuck it into the man's penis. The man struggled against his restraints as he tried screaming. Almost immediately, the man's penis was erect.
“We just injected Mikey here with a strong dose or viagra.” Uncle Jack said. “And If he keeps struggling, we’re going to take another fan request!”
Mikey at this point passed out. I am not sure if it was from Jack’s reference, or something in the viagra injection. The shorter of the two henchmen started inserting a catheter into the man's erect penis. Except this wasn’t hospital grade. This catheter looked like it had a small metal disk on the end. Once it was inserted, Uncle Jack produced some smelling salts from a table out of sight. Immediately the man woke up and started struggling again. With apathy in his eyes, he stared down at his genital area.
“Now ladies and gentleman! With a push of this button, the metal at the end of the catheter will start rotating really fast! Now Mikey, User462 paid good money for this. Let's give him the show he deserves!”
Jack pushed the button and immediately Mikey started screaming. A small drill-like sound could be heard coming from inside Mikey's body. Right at the climax of Mikey's screams, Jack grabbed the external end of the catheter and ripped it out of Mikey's body. Amongst the screams and laughs as blood sprayed on screen, I ran to the bathroom. I opened up the toilet and immediately started throwing up. Tears began welling in my eyes as I replayed what I had seen on the TV. My Uncle Jack was filming himself torturing people. Why was he doing this? Who was he doing it for? What did User462 pay my Uncle to do something like this?
As I laid on the bathroom floor, I heard the garage door start opening. Alfie immediately started barking and a cold chill ran up my back. Who was here at the house? I quietly made my way upstairs as I heard the door that led from the garage to the laundry room open. I crept into the master bedroom as I heard a loud bang downstairs. Alfie was still barking and footsteps could be heard. I locked the master bedroom and grabbed the gun from the lock box. I was about to start moving things to block the door when the power in the house cut out again. I instinctively reached for my cellphone but I found my pockets empty. I must have left it in the movie room as I ran to go puke.
A knock came from the otherside of the bedroom door. “Hey Elliot! I'm your Uncle's neighbor George. I live right down the street. Jack called and asked me to check up on you. Do you mind coming out and talking to me?”
“Why would Jack ask someone to check on me?”
“Listen Elliot, I don’t know why you are locked in the bedroom. Is everything alright?”
“I need you to leave before I call the police. I don't know who you are and I am not expecting anyone”.
There was no response for a few seconds. My hand tightened on the grip of the pistole. The voice started as a whisper and crescendoed into a shout. “Listen you little shit. I know you don’t have YOUR PHONE. LET ME IN!” The door started shaking as the man pounded on the door.
Something came over me. My heart was racing and I had no idea what was going on. In the darkness, I raised the gun up. The man was now kicking or throwing his shoulder into the door. I fired three shots. The first shot hit the wall but the flash from the barrel doused the room in light. I corrected my shot and hit the door with the second two. The house fell into silent darkness.
The police arrived at 2:32 AM. The man who had attempted to break the door down was found dead outside of the master bedroom. On his person he had a syringe full of fentanyl, a roll of duct tape, and a switchblade. The whole house and shed were littered with police. I was taken to the police station to give a statement.
Aunt Mary would claim she didn’t know anything about what Jack was doing. She committed suicide before Jack’s court date. Jack himself was given life in prison. He refused to give the name of the third person seen in the videos. A few months after the whole ordeal I started getting calls from a blocked number. I have no idea what any of it means but I thought it would be worth sharing. The investigator later shared that the locked door in the back of the shed had a motion detector on it. As soon as I opened the door, my Uncle got the notification.
I have been in therapy since this all happened. My Doctor diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder and I have been prescribed Lexapro and Klonopin. I still have nightmares from the small bit of footage I did see. It is fair to say that my life has been turned upside down by the whole ordeal. I had never heard of the phrase Red Room before all of this. After a bit of research, I now understand that's what Jack was doing.
I share this with all of you because Uncle Jack was a loved man. He was known and liked by most people. Everyone who came into his bar had nice things to say about him. You never really know someone as well as you think you do. Some of the nicest people you know may have the darkest secrets. My Uncle Jack was running a Red Room. And the third person who helped him is still out there.

Age: 35 from U.S.Sex: FemaleHeight: 5'5Weight: 262Race: BlackDon't smoke, drink, or use rec drugs

Medication and Dose	Reason for Medication	Frequency of Use
Spironolactone 50mg, 1 / day	Hypertension	Daily
Klonopin 1mg, max 2x a day as needed	Anxiety	Almost never, usually 1 every 3 months
Magnesium Oxide 420mg	Migraines	Daily
Naproxen 500mg every 12h as needed max twice a day	Shoulder and back pain	Never (see post)
Aspirin 81mg 1x a day		Daily
Albuterol inhaler as needed	Asthma	a few times a year

Also, since some docs always ask: I was on nifedical, metoprolol, and something else for my BP, but none of them really worked, and nifedical gave me really bad eye pain. Spiro has worked the best with minimal side effects, if any.Existing medical issues: PCOS, hypertension, migraines, asthma, possibly pre-diabetic (I think my last AIC was 6)
My primary complaint at this point is hard to pinpoint, but I'll try my best. Since I was younger I've always gotten dizzy randomly, usually no more than a few times a year. It would last a second with no other issues / effects. Then, since probably 2014, I've occasionally gotten a strange feeling in my head. It was a "bubble" like feeling, and when that it "burst" a sharp pain would shoot through my head. Usually on the upper left temple, but sometimes it was on the right. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the head. They would last anywhere from 1 day to several weeks. The feeling of it "bursting" felt similar to when you're drinking something really slushy and it gets stuck in a straw and you try to blow it out—that weird resistance you get is how it felt, followed by the sharp pain. Sometimes it was worse if I hadn't slept properly (another thing I've always had an issue with), and I noticed that a few times it would get better if I slept a lot, forcing myself to sleep for 12+ hours. I thought that maybe my blood pressure was causing this since I was terrible at remembering to take my medicine. I told my doctors about this, they just ignored it. I was also having heart palpitations extremely frequently. My dizzy spells got more frequent too, going from a few times a year to a few times a week. I was told to lose weight, stay away from caffeine and salt. With the exception of chocolate, I gave up caffeine completely, stopped eating as much processed and fast foods, and stopped drinking soda. The heart palpitations eased up, going away completely at some point. I also decided to see a neurologist and Dr. Y said it was "migraines" and for insurance reasons, I didn't bother going back to him nor getting an MRI. EDIT: I forgot to mention, just in case it's important, that sometime around the sharp pains, I think my eyesight may have gotten worse. I didn't notice until recently as my eyesight sucks anyway. I have slight double vision, mostly when looking at things on a screen / at a certain distance. All eye tests came back normal as of June 2022. Sometimes I get small sharp pains in my eye, but they're rare and don't last long.
Fast forward to December of 2021. At this point, I was getting dizzy a probably 4 / 7 days a week, multiple times a day, and instead of it being a second or two, it was now 10+ seconds. Anyway, I was having dinner and I started to feel "weird." I got a strange feeling that something bad was about to happen, and seconds later, my eyesight went blurry, I got very dizzy, and my heart started racing. The heart racing thing seemed to just be because I was scared, but this lasted for probably 3-5 minutes. I went to the ER, but was fine by the time I got there. They did tests to make sure I wasn't having a stroke (I was coherent and able to talk just fine). Tested me for COVID, did a CT Scan, monitored my heart, kept me over night. Everything came back clean. They gave me a blood thinner, my usual medications and sent me home with instructions to see my primary.
My primary (Dr. D) said it was probably a panic attack, but sent me to a neurologist just in case. Oddly, the sharp pains completely stopped after the ER visit and didn't happen again until Feb or March of 2022. In Feb. doctor (Dr. Y) had me do an MRI with contrast and did blood tests. He said it was probably just a migraine, but also stated that it could have been a mini TIA and prescribed me magnesium for my "migraines." The MRI and other tests came back clean. The only thing that was noted on the scan was that I had a partially empty sella. Dr. Y then said that he wanted me to get a TEG (transesophageal) test done to see if I had a hole in my heart. I asked him to explain how it was connected, and I asked if the partially empty sella could be contributing to the migraines and lack of period since it (per a quick Google search, don't yell at me) apparently affects hormones. He ignored both things questions and told me to get the test done.
And here is where things get annoying.
I've been trying to get the test schedule for 2 years now almost. Every phone number I get from my insurance, affiliated hospitals, etc. are wrong for the doctor's that are covered by my insurance, or they seemingly aren't in practice at those facilities anymore. I've tried probably 50+ numbers at this point. Getting the test schedule is nearing impossible because I cannot get the test done unless a cardiologist schedules it, but I can't find one within network near me because screw the American healthcare system.
Now, recently I've started to have heart palpitations again, but little to no dizziness from what I can recall. They were really bad, especially when I would lay down to sleep, causing me to lose sleep. I bought a handheld heart monitor thing, and it indicated possible bradycardia. I thought that maybe with the weight loss that my dose for my BP med was now too high, so I started to take it every other day. That seemed to help, but not entirely. I went to my primary and she said to wait until my cardiologist visit in a week. I saw him, and of course when they had the machine on me to scan my heart, nothing happened. They then scheduled me for an ECG, but since that was the wrong test, it was cancelled. When the heart palps started, I had taken naproxen for my chronic back pain (another thing I won't get into), just to make it bearable. It was maybe or three pills a week, not even two a day as suggested. It turns out that after I stopped taking them, the heart palpitations eased up and are almost completely gone again. So now I'm never taking that crap again either. I only mention this because I found it odd that it even happened. I had had naproxen before years ago, and even fairly recently without any issue whatsoever. Since all this has started, I've lost almost 40lbs. Slowly, but it's off and has stayed off, and despite doctors claiming losing even 10 - 15 would help, it hasn't. I'm honestly not even convinced I need the TEG done, but I'm not a doctor so I'll do my due diligence and keep trying to get the test done, but I don't know what to do.
I've had so many visits, made so many calls, and have zero answers and I'm being spun in circles trying to get anything scheduled.
Can anyone offer any insight on what may be happening with my body / what steps I can take? Edit 2: I'd like to add that personally, if anything is wrong, I think it is leaning more towards a neurology problem. What's led me to believe this is due to having random muscle spasms, including those causing my back pain. I'm not athletic, don't work out, and I'm sitting at a computer all day for work, so I know that doesn't help either :(

4/16/07
Radio Bam episode #116
Bam Margera – Brandon “Dico” Dicamillo – Buddy Bill – Mark ‘Fannah’ Hannah – Murray – Missy Margera - Linden 'Black Aquaman'
- Dico loves Fannah in the new movie MingHags. He borrowed a pair of Dico’s underwear so he could film a few scenes. The scenes he filmed were soo good that Dico requested the underwear back so he could add it to his movie collection.
- Bam has been telling everyone he knows about the movie; he’s been showing clips to everyone too.
- ‘Who would you rather’ questions with Fannah, involving his two brothers. “Which brother would you rather a horse fuck soo hard they die?”
- Linden ‘Black Aquaman’ has entered the studio dressed as a white man with his face painted white.
- “Compton Ass Terry is selling out Black People”, a claim made by Chad I Ginsberg after Bam says he wants Terry in the new movie. “All black people kinda do!” Bam responds.
- Chad goes further to say that he smoked Terry out a few times before too. “He’s not special just because he’s the black guy on bunch of white people’s bus!”
- Bam randomly says the N-Word quoting a random black guy he has heard while skating. “Damn N***a I got some hard motha fuckin boogies!”. - Chad wants a picture of Lindon in ‘WhiteFace’.
- “Steak! It’s what’s for Dinner!” Dico’s steak commercial.
- Bam plays audio of a scene from MingHags that he’s currently working on involving his grandfather ‘Pop-Pop' and Jimmy Pop’s retarded friend Mark the Bagger.
- Dico felt odd screaming in Marks the Baggers face because he would just blankly stare through Dico like he had no inner thoughts going on.
- The guys explain who Mark the Baggers is and how Jimmy Pop ran into him while he bagged groceries at a grocery store. Jimmy Pop eventually got him on The Stern show.
- Sidenote: In an old episode of this show, not knowing Bam would be working with Mark the Bagger in the future, Bam discloses that while working at the grocery store, Mark was caught luring a child into the back and having the child perform oral sex on him. There were no charges filed because, “He’s Retarded”.
- Bam plays more audio involving the Bagger and Pop-Pop. “Daddy Noooooo!”
- Bam and Dico reflect on how thankful they are deciding to film this movie themselves instead of getting Corporate Backing from Hollywood (Though they tried in the previous episode and failed).
- Instead Bam uses some of his rich connections to get private funding on top of the tens of thousands Bam’s already going to be paying to make this film.
- Bam’s release date goal is four months from now in time for kids going back to school in fall.
DEADZY – CARRYING OVER
- Bam plays another audio clip from the movie MingHags.
- Bam and Missy left the bar the other night with Buddy Bill to take him back to their house so he can pick his truck up.
- Police notice Buddy Bill getting into Bams car and pull them over. They immediately get Buddy Bill out and arrest him without even checking if Missy or Bam were drunk or not.
- Buddy Bill has another boxing match happening this Friday. He gets really excited when he starts talking about it and starts getting amped up in studio, soo much that he starts squeezing Chad’s cheese steak he had lying on the console.
- Linden and Buddy Bill got into a small scuffle the other day resulting in Buddy Bill’s nose getting broke again. “He’s cheesing my Squeeze-Steak!”
- Buddy Bill stories that have been said here before.
- Bam starts questioning Buddy Bill about a crazy lingerie party from 2 years ago that he went to with Rake Yohn. Buddy Bill is hesitant about saying what exactly happened live on air.
THE SOUNDS – TRACK 2
- 80’s vice vaper wave intro
- The guys play HD female moans and sucking sounds, which turns Bill on as he starts looking around the studio to see which girl made those noises. “I’m a very emotional person!”
- Dico starts handing out small snacks that he's brought from home, Bam doesn’t normally eat at home due to his Bulimia.
- “Let me guess: some sort of experiment?” “Spearmint? I’d rather have Wintergreen!”
- Hanna’s Hilarious Laugh from the first film Haggard is played.
- Gina Lynn, the porn star featured in Bam’s new film, brought a whole bunch of her sex toys and porn she’s featured in. Bam likes to scatter them around the castle for fun along with the tranny pornos he’s gotten from his Hustler interview.
- Gina Lynn and her husband Chad have open and graphic conversations about their sex lives and personal lives including domestic violence resulting in hospitalizations.
BLOODHOUND GANG - ????
- While shooting Johnny Knoxville’s cover for the rolling stone, Dico and Bam were cornered by ‘some faggot’ promoting an internet soap opera, he even demanded they take some of his autographed posters.
- The guys promptly threw the posters in the thrash can closest to the front door so the guy could see it in the way out.
- Bill gets amped about the fight and squeezes Chad’s Cheese steak again. - ShitGoose was overheard by Buddy Bill telling Bam’s Mom April that Bam was snorting too much Adderall and drinking too much.
- When confronted by Bam, ShitGoose denies these allegations, but once Buddy Bill heard his denials, he tells ShitGoose he overheard the conversation between him and April.
- ShitGoose begins to cry and confess stating that he was just worried about Bam’s drug and alcohol consumption.
- Later that night though, after mixing alcohol and Klonopin, ShitGoose was seen rolling in hay and attempting to break dance.
- Seth Meisterman and his girlfriend Salina have some goats on Bam’s property. While ShitGoose was fucked up on Klonopin and alcohol, he let his large dog 'White Fang' loose and it ended up killing one of the baby goats.
- Chad believes the last episode of Radio Bam was too harsh on ShitGoose. “you gotta love the guy”.
- Gina Lynn was covered in stripper pole bruises and wore a skirt that was soo short that it was ‘above the ass line’ according to Missy. Her tits also kept gaming out during filming so Bam is considering making the movie rated R instead of PG-13
- Gina needed underwear because her pussy kept popping out as well (doesn’t wear underwear). So Missy let her use one of her sexy pair of boy shorts underwear, but after she returned them to Missy someone stole them.
- While filming for MingHags, Dico pissed in lindens drinks most of the evening and he had no idea.
- The guys discuss how they will be individually screening the movie at their houses once it is finished.
- “I have a nose problem!” buddy bills breakable nose and the drugs that have been through it to cause his brain aneurysm.
- After playing video games all night on cocaine with a lady, Buddy Bill went to the bathroom to piss, next thing he knew he was on the ground covered in piss and couldn’t see colors. Turns out he had a brain aneurysm.
- Linden starts instigating Buddy Bill to see if he can hit him in his nose again.
- Buddy Bill plugs his boxing match at the double tree hotel this Friday! He’s fighting a buddy he has a motorcross grudge against.
- Buddy Bill had heard awful things about this particular boxing organization if they don't get their fighter money back, or the ticket money back.
GNARKILL – GAY FAGS
End of show

5:30AM: Wake up to my cat, Chiari, pawing my face because she has never eaten in her entire life. I feed the furry asshole, make coffee, and brush my teeth.
6:30AM: Get the signout email from the overnight resident. 4 new consults: two febrile seizures, a funny looking NICU baby with low tone, and a 6 month old doing weird baby stuff. We also have follow up patients: one new diagnosis of Multiple sclerosis; a 3m old with a TBI from non-accidental trauma; a baby with infantile spasms who is waiting for his ACTH to be delivered to his house; a catatonic 14 year old who we’re doing an autoimmune encephalitis work up on; and 3 other seizure NOS kiddos.
7:06AM: ED pages about a 7 year old ex 19 weeker with history of bilateral grade IV IVH, HIE, and meningitis; she has a VP shunt that has been revised 12 times. She is trach and g-tube dependent. She takes max doses of Keppra, Trileptal, Topamax, Depakote, Fycompa, Onfi, and Epidiolex. Shee is also on the ketogenic diet and has a VNS. She has 50 clinical seizures and 1000 subclinical seizures a day at baseline. Her name is Miracle. Mom brought her in because one of her clinical seizures lasted 3 seconds longer than usual. Her CT and shunt series are stable. She also has a runny nose and tested positive for rhino/enterovirus. I recommend staring a Klonopin bridge and then sending her home.
7:37AM: ED pages to consult us on a 2.5 year old patient who has been on keppra since he was 15 months old. He had no side effects when he first started it, but then at around 18 months of age, he started having occasional tantrums, and they have gotten more and more frequent. Parents insist that the only possible explanation for their 2 year old to have so many tantrums is because of the Keppra. He has an appointment in clinic in 2 days, but parents insist on being admitted now. They tell me that they want to completely stop keppra and instead put him on the ketogenic diet. In the 15 minutes that I have been talking to parents, the kid has eaten 108g of carbs.
8:02AM: ED pages again about Miracle. She had another clinical seizure that lasted 2 seconds longer than usual, and so they want to admit for observation.
8:16AM: The peds resident admitting Miracle calls and asks if we want to do anything besides the Klonopin bridge. I tell her no.
8:45AM: I finally finish pre-rounding on all of my patients. The teenager with a new diagnosis of MS is struggling to cope. I talk to her for a while, and then she asks me how long the training is to become a pediatric neurologist. She says that she wants to be one too and help other people with MS. Then she gave me a hug.
8:54AM: The PICU calls me to tell me about a new consult on an 11week old who was found down while co-sleeping with parents, ROSC achieved after 8 doses of epi. They want us to consult for prognostication.
9:00AM: Peds neuro attending arrives to start rounds. When we get to the MS patient, he says “wait, I’m epilepsy trained, and I don’t remember anything about MS. Let’s call the neuroimmunologist in the middle of her clinic to ask her what to do.” He then talks about rare epilepsy syndromes for the next 20 minutes.
9:05AM: The peds attending for Miracle ordered a continuous EEG anyway. The EEG report says that she is having a 2 second subclinical seizure ever 1.5 minutes, which is the same frequency and duration as her prior 6 EEGs. The peds attending insists on transferring her to the PICU because she is in status. She tells the PICU that neurology requested the transfer.
9:34AM: My attending pimps me on all of the possible genetic mutations that could be causing the low tone NICU baby to be dysmorphic looking. I can only think of 10, and he tells me I need to study more.
9:54AM: Another peds resident pages me. They admitted a 15 year old girl with depression and anxiety after a suicide attempt 5 days ago, and she’s now stable and awaiting transfer to inpatient psych. This morning, she suddenly started to have sensory loss in her left foot, right knee, and around her belly button. They are sure she has Guillaine Barre. They haven’t checked reflexes.
10:25AM: The ED pages to admit an 18 year old for “seizures”. He has been admitted 4 times for the same spells and they have been captured on EEG every time. They were not epileptic. There was a shooting at his school 6 weeks ago and his dog died last week. His parents are divorce and will only communicate through smoke signals. He is a high school senior, takes 7 AP classes, plays football, basketball, sings in the choir, and leads the mathletes. Mom is screaming at the ED doctor, demanding that her child get admitted again for EEG because they are definitely seizures, and she will not ever allow her child to talk to anyone on the psych team because “he has absolutely nothing stressful going on in his life.”
11:08AM: The PICU fellow pages me and chews me out for requesting the unnecessary transfer of Miracle. He then asks me if I want to do anything else for the patient. I say no, just the Klonopin bridge, continue home meds, and, for the love of god, please discontinue the EEG.
11:15AM: I do the LP on the catatonic teenager. It’s a champagne tap. My pager goes of 6 times in ten minutes while I am doing the LP, and then a peds attending calls my attending and yells about how his resident isn’t answering pages. They want to know if they can give ibuprofen for a headache.
11:47AM: NSGY pages me to consult us on a patient with a new diagnosis of a pilocytic astrocytoma. They plan to take her to the OR in 2 weeks. The patient had one episode where her hand twitched twice in a row, so neurosurgery started her on 5mg/kg/day of keppra. They want us to manage the keppra. They also want us to see the patient before noon so that they can discharge her.
12:57PM: Run to the cafeteria to get some food. They’re out of pizza, and it’s going to take 45 minutes for them to make more.
1:01PM: The PICU fellow pages me to tell me that he kept the EEG on Miracle and since she was in status, they started a pentobarbital drip and she is now burst suppressed. He asks if we want to get any imaging. I tell him no and ask him to please stop the pentobarbital and discontinue the EEG.
1:40PM: The ED pages me to consult on a 5 year old patient who hasn’t taken his Trileptal in 5 days. He had a seizure, and since it was taking him more than 20 minutes to return fully to baseline, they want to admit him. Parents say that they stopped the Trileptal because they started him on some CBD oil that they bought at a truck stop, and they want that to be his only medication.
2:03PM: We tell the parents of the 6 month old with weird baby movements that his EEG is totally normal. Parents cry with happiness, and I play with a cute, chunky, happy baby for about 20 minutes.
2:31PM: We talk to the mom of the 3m old NAT patient and show her the MRI. He has a devastating hypoxic brain injury. I fantasize about introducing the perpetrator's knees to a baseball bat.
3:12PM: The PICU fellow pages me again to tell me that the stat MRI that I didn’t want for Miracle shows just slightly more atrophy and slightly bigger ventricles when compared to the last MRI 6.5 years ago. He asks if we need to consult NSGY to revise the shunt again. I say no.
3:20PM: We finish rounding on our last patient. The attending asks me if I’ve reviewed the 54 collective hours of continuous EEGs on all of our patients from today, and I tell him that I haven’t had a chance to. He tells me I need to prioritize looking at more EEGs.
4:30PM: I finish my notes. The ED pages me to consult on a patient who has headaches, with a strong family history of migraines, normal MRI; but she has a BMI of 26 and her optic discs are maybe slightly blurred on one side. Ophthalmology refuses to come see her to evaluate for papilledema. She has no vision changes, no worsening of headache with lying down, it has never woken her up at night, it gets better with ibuprofen, and she has these headaches once every 6 months. I recommend discharge with close ophtho follow up. ED decides to admit for IIH work up. They refuse to do an LP and check opening pressure before admitting her.
4:59PM: The peds NSGY fellow pages me and yells at me for requesting the neurosurgery consult on Miracle. He tells me that there is absolutely no way that a shunt that was revised only 6 weeks ago could be causing problems.
5:00PM: Turn off my pager. Log out of Voalte. Head home.
6:00PM: Sip on a glass of wine and watch Ted Lasso. Feeling happy that I had such an easy day where I got to leave at 5.
6:30PM: Get a call from my PD. The PICU attending complained to her that I had not communicated with them all day about Miracle. I’ll need to meet with the PD and PICU attending next week to discuss the conflict.

This was originally posted in DD, but the post was deleted. I am copying and pasting here for both discussion and to keep a copy of that post available for posterity.
I am not clear where these notes came from, since I believe only the official transcripts (including pre trial, side bars, etc) were left to be released most recently, that all trial documents were released months ago. Since questioning materials isn't any easy feat in the other sub, maybe someone can provide an answer here. Without access to the source, I don't claim any of this to be conclusive, nor do I rule out the possibility the notes are out there with these statements.
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A huge amount of documents were recently unsealed by Fairfax and made available to the public by request and purchase. This includes Amber's treatment notes with Dr. Bonnie Jacobs from 2011-2014.
It is extremely important to me that this information be made public in a respectful way. Obviously I am not the only person capable of purchasing the court documents but, as of now, it seems I'm the only one who has done so and feel a certain amount of responsibility in sharing them first. Amber moved to admit these notes into evidence in the hopes that it would help people understand Johnny's abuse. I hope in sharing them it will have some positive effect.
Here I'll be sharing some of the more insightful/important entries made by Dr. Jacobs.
When Amber first began dating Johnny:

Decided to date J but needs to keep it secret because he just split from partner. Has children boy + girl. Met in various places but always secret and discrete. I questioned her feelings about hiding. Says she understands. Feels he is protecting her. I asked how he treats her. Bought her a horse (white) because she told him as a child dreamed of having one. Loves to ride her horse – needs to be trained so can’t ride it yet. Not happy spending so much time w/ J’s friends. [Illegible] Has talked to him about his drinking and asked him to slow down. He knows about her parents and childhood. Feels sorry for him because his father was also an abusive alcoholic. (Trauma bonding ??) Has scars from beatings. Dad used belts and chains, also burnt him w/ cigarettes. Scars all over body including head. Spending nights together but hide going to and from each other’s homes. Concerned about paparazzi. Says he doesn’t want her blamed for break-up w/ ex because not true.

Amber starts to realize the drinking and substance abuse is really bad in November 2011:

Continuing to see J but becoming more concerned about his drinking and drug use. Sometimes so bad he needs help getting into bed. Pointed out she is enabling him in similar way she enables parents, minus the money. Has only attended 1 Al-anon meeting. Found it helpful but can’t go often because of schedule. Doesn’t know what to do or how to do it. Advised her to stop picking him up or hiding bottles. Also suggested not seeing him if he is drunk or stoned. Feels she can’t do that but will try. He using most of the time so worried she’ll never see him.

Johnny's anger starts to come up. Bonnie Jacobs becomes afraid he is hitting Amber:

[Amber] Afraid to discuss using + drinking because he gets loud and physical. Questioned if he has hit her. Said he only yells and throws things. Discussed Al-anon issues. How difficult but necessary it is for her to take care of herself.

Amber's fraught relationship with her father a running theme:

Parents coming for Thanksgiving, not happy about it. J will be spending time w/ children. Afraid her father will tell people about her and J. Told him not to say anything but doesn’t know what he might do when drunk.

The connection between her father and Johnny is made early by Dr. Jacobs:

More in depth discussion of J’s behavior and ways it parallels her father. Said J has a loving side and dad not so much. Discussed how only the substance abuser can stop him/herself from drinking and using... Can’t force someone to stop using if they don’t want to, and that addicts can’t stop for someone else. Addicts have to stop for themselves. Extremely tearful. Feels she can help him stop using. Wishes she could get friends, bodyguards, and sister to stop supporting and enabling his addictions. Too many people dependent on him for financial support. Asked why she wants to be w/ someone who is addict and behaves badly. Said she loves him and he loves her. Just doesn’t like “bad” J. Recommended Al-anon again.

Police are almost called the third week of December, 2011:

Continued discussing her relationship w/ J. He was extremely drunk when he came to her apt. She was angry. He began screaming and cursing. Argument became so loud that landlord threatened to call the police. Doesn’t know what to do when he is like that. He left. Didn’t hear from him and got worried. Asked if this is relationship she wants? Again tearful and certain she can help him get clean and sober.

Johnny got sober around Christmas:

Going out of town for holidays. Will be gone a couple of weeks. Looking forward to being w/ J and down time. J better but not sure he will stay sober. Discussed more books, [Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings] and Al-anon

Amber gets back from vacation. January 8th, 2012 is Dr. Jacob's first unambiguous note of physical abuse:

Had a good time on vacation but there were times when she believed she knew what it was like to be her mother. Said she was reluctant to tell me what happened because she “knew what” I would say. Asked her what she thought I would say. Said she heard me saying “leave him on the floor, don’t engage, and to leave.” J very drunk, using, angry. Tried to calm him down. Asked him not to drink or use so much which made him angrier. Admits screaming back at him. He hit her, threw her on floor. She threw pot at him. Told her she dresses like a “whore” and was not to wear low cut dresses, shirts, etc. After he sobered up he’s always apologetic and sweet. Wants sweet J around more Discussed cycles of DV again. Told her no matter what she did or didn’t do that behavior was unacceptable. Told her no matter what she can’t change him.

Dr. Jacobs noting they discussed domestic violence "again" suggests this is not the first time she was made aware Johnny had become physically abusive.
In 2012 Amber really becomes aware of how much those around Johnny enable him. She was struggling with what Al-anon and Dr. Jacobs were telling her, which was to leave Johnny passed out and not help him get to bed. More insight into her father as well:

Talked about how difficult it is for her to not enable J’s behavior. Discussed difference between rage and anger. Father has been in and out of town. Insists on trying to “break” horse the way he’s always done it. A[mber] has a trainer who is doing it gently but father keeps interfering. Doesn’t feel she can stop him. Said she’s going to more Al-anon meetings and talking with friends and parents about J’s substance abuse. Said J gets drugs from friends, bodyguards, sister. Sister is his manager and works to keep him happy so he can financially support family. J supports mother, sister, children and thinks V. A[mber] angry people are willing to get him whatever he wants because he’s a celebrity and he pays them.

In February she struggled with nightmares and became familiar with Johnny's "splitting":

Said she has recurring nightmares about parents and [sister?]. Wakes up in panic. Isn’t sleeping well. Discussed some of material in dreams. Sobbing during session. Said becomes panicked when J takes off for days and she doesn’t hear from him. J’s sister said he does that on occasion. Believes he goes on benders and may get hurt. Pretty sure he’s cheating on her when he does that.

The reason for Johnny skipping out on her is made clear in March. Dr Jacob's tries to get Amber to see the patterns in his behavior:

Heard from J and saw each other. J gets angry and jealous when she is photographed w/ men eating out. Told him they are just friend. Discussed that trying to control is DV behavior.

More insight into her father:

Afraid father is going to slip and tell people about her and J. Father drinks and talks a lot to look like he’s important. Concerned he will tell one of his drinking and drugging buddies and they will tell press. J says they will go public soon. She found some of the ways they sneak around funny but tired of it. J says he’ll drink and use less but doesn’t last long. A[mber] gets fearful later in night because he gets drunker then.

Dr. Jacobs realized her nightmares were connected to Johnny:

Having nightmares about childhood and being chased – trouble sleeping. Has been [exercising?] but still can’t fall or stay asleep. Discussed and processed dreams. Discussed some of this is being triggered by J being similar to dad. Loss of agency. Discussed way to calm herself at night and work on changing dreams by visualizing something happy and pleasant as she falls asleep. Very tearful.

Amber continued struggling with not caretaking for him:

Has gone to some Al-anon meeting and finds them helpful but still feels badly “doing nothing” when J needs to be taken to bed. Struggling with letting him stay on the floor when he passes out. Discussed how no consequences to substance abuse behavior are enabling the user. Explained how what most people consider helping someone only hurts the user because they do not need to take responsibility for actions. A[mber] understands concept better but still struggling with it.

Dr. Jacobs tried to get Amber to understand the cycle of violence and control:

Continued discussing co-dependent behavior and how just checking up on J and parents is Co D. Afraid when she doesn’t hear from him he’s hurt or wants to break up. Told her this is his controlling behavior to keep her hooked in. Says she loves him and doesn’t understand how it’s controlling – discussed more. He becomes enraged because she “nags” him about drinking and drugging. Stays out with his friends and doesn’t get in til early morning. He’s missed a number of work meetings and call times because he’s too messed up to get there. Pointed out keeping track of his appointments is co-dep.

In May, Johnny's jealousy was getting worse, though he seemed to make exception for iO and Rocky, but only iO and Rocky:

Went out w/ a male friend and J got upset. Has also been getting annoyed if she sees some female friends other than [iO Tillet Wright] or [Rocky Pennington] because she is bi. He’s been increasingly jealous and concerned she will cheat on him. Continually states she won’t but he wants to tell her who she can and can’t see. Discussed abuse includes control again. He frequently engages in name calling.

The sexual abuse is first mentioned on May 24th, 2012:

Said she often feels uncomfortable when J touches her if he’s drunk. Said J has trouble maintaining erection when high. He gets angry and sometimes violent when that happens. Blames her for his failure. Discussed physiological reasons alcoholics and some substance users have sexual problems.

Amber missed a lot of sessions because her car would break down. Dr. Jacobs had insight into Amber's thought process:

Apologized for late cancel. Talked about work and car trouble. Loves her car but it’s extremely problematic. Discussed how often she apologizes for same issue. Said she was sorry again. Laughed. Discussed how apologies are often not for things over which she has control or responsibility. Talked about how she tries to take on responsibility in effort to have control. Fails and feels bad because no matter how hard she tries to make herself responsible she’s not. Blames herself for a lot that isn’t about her.

Johnny and her father start drinking together in June:

Dad and J drinking buddies. Likes when mom and sister are there. Has been very busy. Paparazzi very distressing. Follow her around. Still is hiding w/ J at her place and his. Feels lonely when not w/ others.

(This note was made on June 28th. Previous to reading these, I'd pieced together Johnny was off the wagon and drinking with Amber's father because of a picture a fan posted with Johnny at a bar on June 14th. Amber's dad is in the background. Picture here. Amber's reports are truly very consistent with independent evidence.)
The way in which Johnny made Amber feel responsible for his substance abuse really starts to manifest in the second half of 2012. From August 7th:

Not feeling well. Rough time w/ J. Disappeared. Came late. A[mber] was worried. Argued about who she was seeing. Thinks she is cheating. She denied but he was in a rage. He threw things. Glass flew near her head. Asked if she was going to Al-anon meetings. Said she didn’t have time but wanted to. Still can’t bring herself to tell him to go home or not come over if he is drunk/drugged. Fears he will be hurt. Asked what about her feelings? Told her he is escalating and not about her. Feels she should be able to do something.

Dr. Jacobs tried to get Amber to see the extent of Johnny's controlling behavior:

Having nightmares again. Very tearful. Afraid of breaking up w/ J. Feels he will stop using and drinking if she can help him feel better about himself. Still not going public because he is protecting her. [I] Ask if she believes that. Said she is afraid of bad publicity. Discussed cycle of DV and control is a sign.

Amber wanted to get better at handling Johnny's splitting:

Talked to J but he is often unresponsive. Scares her when she doesn’t hear from him. Reminded her if something happened to him she would know from media. Wants to do more work on codependency. Talked through some co-dep behaviors.

Reports of sexual violence return on September 25th:

Extremely fatigued. Fighting w/ J again. He violent. Throwing things. Some hit her. She screaming back. Started w/ he was upset at clothes. Ripped her nightgown threw her on bed. Tried to have sex but couldn’t get erection. Became more angry. He passed out.

In the aftermath Johnny promised to get sober. From October 2nd:

J being nice. Sorry for fight. Discussed cycle of abuse (Honeymoon stage). J promised he would get clean

From October 9th:

J not using since fight. Does better when they are together. Sure she can help him stay clean. Had more discussion about addiction. Went over it not being caused by her. His use is long term before they even met. Feels responsible even though isn’t logical. Why can’t she help more?

Johnny told Amber more about his abusive childhood:

J’s mother at house. Very demanding and nasty. J’s father dead. Both abusive when J was young. Father worse than mother.

(Probably just a result of Dr. Jacob's quickly writing notes, but it is Johnny's stepfather who passed away, not biological father.)
More insight into Amber's childhood:

Discussed her mother’s [role] in father’s abuse. He abused all of them but she allowed it by staying. Very tearful.

Dr. Jacobs remained concerned about Johnny exerting so much control over Amber through hiding the relationship, but Amber continued to see it from Johnny's perspective:

Still claims J thinks it’s best to wait. Makes it a game to hide. A[mber] buying into it.

At the end of October, Johnny was hanging out with Marilyn Manson. Amber really didn't care for him:

J’s friends bad influence. A[mber] doesn’t like MM. Talks badly about women, does a lot of drugs.

Amber's family planned on coming for Christmas. She was worried about Johnny spending time with her father. Sexual violence again brought up:

Feeling stress about holidays and shoot. Parents coming for X-mas. Always worried about Dad drinking and causing problems. Discussed Al-anon, ways to deal w/ his drinking – Don’t engage. Has trouble doing that when he verbally attacks sister and mother. J winds up drinking w/ dad. Father misogynist – says horrible things about how women should be treated to J. Sometimes J becomes verbally and sexually abusive after spending time w/ father. Has thrown her on bed and had “angry sex.” If he’s drunk can’t perform and gets angrier. Blames her for impotence. She feels responsible. Discussed addicts not taking responsibility for their actions. Blaming others so they don’t need to own their behavior.

From November 28th:

Continued discussing addict behavior. That she didn’t cause and therefore can’t fix the problem. Talked about going to couples therapy. J says he has a psychiatrist and maybe they can see him. A doesn’t think he sees the psychiatrist very often. Not sure if he gets pills from him. Thinks psychiatrist is just another “yes man” because J is rich and famous.

(Johnny was addicted to Roxicodone and Klonopin at this point. Safe to say Amber's concern over his psychiatrist was correct. That's the guy supplying him with the "pills" Johnny always mentions to Paul Bettany.)
The last entry from 2012, on December 20th:

J got drunk and passed out on couch. Left him there and went to bed. Felt proud of herself for not trying to make it okay for him but bad at the same time. Discussed change is difficult. Nothing changes if she always does the same thing. No consequences means nothing changes.

Amber didn't see Dr. Jacobs while she was in Europe for her shoot. The next session was March 7th, one day before the "disco bloodbath" fight:

J’s drinking and drugging again. Went to Rolling Stones concert and didn’t ask her. Felt very hurt that he would leave her out knowing she loves the Stones. Kept asking why he would do that. Feels uncared for and unloved when he does those things. Feels punished for complaining about his using. Discussed addiction and DV, emotional abuse and control. Says she understands codependency but is having trouble getting the [illegible] in her heart. Sure she can change him.

After going public, Johnny wouldn't let her address the rumors that she ended his marriage with Vanessa ("the homewrecker shit you never let me fight," as Amber put it in February 2016):

People are saying vicious things about her. Hurt her feelings because they don’t know her. Discussed putting up better boundaries and ignoring people or defending herself. J says ignore it but she wants people to know the truth. Studios protect J but not her. Word of J’s drunkenness and drugs hardly ever make tabloids. No one knows how many times he has thrown things at her and other people or shown up late to call times because of drugs and alcohol.

From March 18th:

Mom telling her to not be so hard on J to go along more. Got angry w/ her because of what happened since mom did that w/ dad. Asked why she was with J given his behavior. Says she loves him and feels if things were more stable between them he would get better. Checked to determine if abuse was ever directed at children. A[mber] said not that she ever saw.

Police were called around this time:

he threw her against a wall and threatened to kill her while they were at her apt. Landlord called police but told them everything was fine. Pointed out her behavior was paralleling her mom’s and she can’t “fix” J.

Johnny was back in the "Honeymoon" phase after threatening to kill her:

J being nice and loving again. Sorry he hurt her. A[mber] acknowledges she screamed back and put him down. Doesn’t know what to do when he is out of control. Asked if she could leave, go someplace safe. Said she could go to a friend. Again asked why she wants to be w/ him. What does she love about him? Made some statements about “the good J.” Pointed out the bad one comes w/ the good one.

In the aftermath of the "Documentary/Painting" incident on March 22nd, Amber had a panic attack on March 25th:

Had a panic attack but was able to use relaxation techniques to calm herself down.

From April 1st:

Has been reading a lot about alcoholism, abuse and childhood trauma... knowing/understanding only go so far. Feels if she can understand it will be easier to deal with her stuff and J. Informed her no amount of understanding makes behavior “ok.” Great to understand but people have to be held accountable for their behavior.

April 11th:

J drinking and using again. Got nasty and grabbed her [this word is either "arm" or "again"]. Passed out in living room and she left him there. Discussed possibly moving in w/ him and what that would mean for her safety. Friend [iO Tillet Wright] is around more when she’s at J’s. Expressed concern re: his blackouts and behavior. A[mber] thinks he will be better when they live together.

April 30th:

Had fun on birthday but J and his friends got drunk. He’s using more. She stays away when they are using and he gets angry. Always sorry next day. Wants him to see therapist more often. He says he will.

From May 8th, only a few days before Johnny would text Stephen Deuters that he cut himself badly and needed stitches:

She can’t make J stop. J has been late and missing work because of drinking and drugs. People, some friends angry about his behavior. Unprofessional. Gets so angry w/ self he burns his skin w/ cigarettes. Tried to get him to stop but he gets angrier. Loves him and wants to help him.

A few days later:

Having trouble w/ sleeping. Had panic attack. Discussed events leading up to panic. Reminded her if she can talk she has to be breathing. J jealous about her filming w/ other men. Assures him she’s faithful but he’s unreasonable. Doesn’t want her to dress in low cut or tight fitting clothes. Feeling very pressured.

Amber went out of town with Johnny to Hicksville at the end of May, then on to his press tour for The Lone Ranger. She didn't check back in with Dr. Jacobs until August 1st, soon after getting back from Europe:

Really wanted to talk over past months but was busy w/ her work, J’s work and appearances. Really happy to be home but leaving again soon. Feels better staying at J’s compound because security doesn’t allow paparazzi and fans to get in. Friend [iO Tillet Wright] is living in one of the houses because [he] is broke. Wishes there were not so many other people around – J’s “friends.” J’s using is very bad. She has been yelling at him about drugs and alcohol. He falling down, passing out, and verbal abuse. She screamed at him about public behavior like kissing [Jimmy Kimmel] on TV. Arguments are more frequent and hurting himself and her. Told him she would leave if he didn’t stop and get help. She took it back after he promised he would. I told her to stop hiding and emptying bottles as it doesn’t help and could make things worse.

Johnny was fresh out of rehab around this time:

Still arguing but getting a little better. J has been drinking less. Has not blacked out or gotten violent in past few days. Reminded her he has not committed to sobriety and nothing change[s] until he is. She sure he is willing to get better. Having trouble w/ studio because of his actions. She and his sister trying to [illegible] w/ him. A[mber] can’t stand that his “friends” hang out and want to party. Feels they use J.

From August 20th:

Things have been quieter at home but always a little on edge. Discussed not knowing when the next shoe might drop so she is hypervigilant. Recommended “Co-Dependent no more” and “Walking on eggshells.” I questioned decision to move in w/ J. Said she thinks it will get better. He’s not drinking as much.

Amber spent most of the rest of the year in London, not going back to see Dr. Jacobs until January 7th, 2014:

Getting engaged. Holidays ok but J using again. Spent time w/ parents, sister and bf. Saw friends. Getting house ready to move in. Wants to have engagement party but very busy and doesn’t know how to juggle everything. Very stressed. [Rocky] said she’ll help with party. J busy w/ filming and movie. Has been passing out a lot. Fearful he will OD and/or become nasty. Asked if she’s going to Al-anon? Said sometimes but no time. Told to make time. Fears she is failing because can’t get J to be sober.

From January 16th:

Dad and J drinking buddies. Upset J is using. Banned father from their room at hotel. [Rocky] helping with food and venue for [engagement] party. Worried everything won’t get done in time. Did relax in office. Says she is trying to do it at home but it’s hard. [Illegible] helps but not enough. I questioned her willingness to marry J. Said she can help him. Asked how well mom was able to help dad. Said it was different because mom is addict too.

Four days later:

Life still stressful. Work stuff, house and party. J’s working – music and film. He’s showing up late to work. A[mber] tries to get him to not use night before work. Works sometimes. [Rocky] doing good job trying to find venue for party. Very attached and grateful to [Rocky]. Have each other’s backs.

From January 23rd:

Has been exercising for stress. Helps but not enough. Trouble sleeping. Nightmares. Discussed dream content. J being verbally aggressive. Gets angry if no alcohol. A[mber] admits to dumping some. Discussed not doing that. He can always get more and she’s being [codependent]. [Illegible] to go to Al-anon. Will do so before next session. Helps to talk to [iO Tillet Wright] about Al-anon issues.

One week later:

Not sleeping well or enough. Very tired and needs to look good for camera. J’s sistemgr causing problems. Sister helps J get drugs and alcohol. A[mber] feels too many people support his using. Wants to do something about that but not sure what.

Amber saw Dr. Jacobs on February 3rd, only a few hours before a fight with Johnny would blow up into a multi-day affair across the 4th and 5th:

Discussed pre-nup. J doesn’t want one because he says only way one of them leaving marriage is death. I asked if she would sign one. She said yes she has no prob with it. Finds what J said funny and endearing. Asked, given his history, if maybe it’s a little scary. Denied being afraid.

From February 12th:

J got drunk. Fell and broke table. Left him there passed out. Found him in bed next AM. Doesn’t know if he got there himself or bodyguards helped. Hard to use Al-anon techniques when so many other people are involved in caretaking him.

The first week of March:

Very anxious... Asked if having second thoughts about marriage. She said yes but feels she can help J and will have more say over things once they are married. Told her she set [precedent] for [illegible] behavior and other’s behavior so likely won’t change. Became tearful and repeated that she loves him.

Later in March is the first mention of Johnny's jealousy over James Franco:

Stated she leaves to shoot movie in a couple of days. Can’t come to therapy for a while. Re-stated can call if needs to. Worried about part and J’s feelings about her working love scenes with [James Franco.] Told him nothing to worry about. Feels he is going to cause problems on set. He will visit but not going to be there most of the time.

Amber went back to Dr. Jacobs on May 15th, nine days before she would board their flight from Boston to Los Angeles:

Someone posted photo of her w/ JF and J got angry. Had argument. Screaming. Crying. He threatened to break up she assured him nothing was going on. J threw things at her. She left was scared. Went to friend’s house. J cut and burned self. Was drunk yelling he was worthless and she didn’t love him. Doesn’t know what to do when he self mutilates. Told her to call an ambulance. Said she can’t do that because press will get hold of it. Same reason she doesn’t call police when they fight. Also knows cops won’t do anything because he’s a celebrity.

Amber went to see Dr. Jacobs on May 23rd, only hours before she would receive a phone call from Johnny that would set her back on edge:

Talked to J about how scary his behavior was. He apologized. On his best behavior right now. Again discussed cycle of DV.

From a text exchange Amber had with Johnny's sister Christi on May 25th, 2014, in the aftermath of the flight in which Johnny kicked her:

CD: How have you been before this? AH: Great, perfect, heaven until he decides to use. And the drug abuse, all prescription meds, and drinking has been slowly climbing every day. And we've been fine except when there's any issue or hiccup or problem. Then shit hits the fan because he doesn't deal with it as Johnny, he deals with it as a totally different person. A demon. It was the worst I've ever seen him. I think it's because he's now taking Adderall on top of all the other shit, which is the equivalent to consuming a pharmaceutical speedball every day. He will die if he continues to call being sober just not drinking. And his medicine kit includes tons of new drugs. He's going to kill himself Christi.

Amber did not go back to see Dr. Jacobs until well into the summer of 2014. From August 4th:

Decided on wedding date have a lot to do. Looking at gowns. J left planning to her. Got planner. [Rocky] helping. Discussed feelings re: marriage and substance use. Also discussed issues of DV in relationship. Stated J better and not acting out physically. Believes she can manage problems. Suggested getting impartial couple’s therapist. J not up for that. Wants to use someone he knows if anyone.

Three days later was the last appointment Amber would have with Dr. Jacobs until 2019:

Seems wrapped up in idea of fantasy wedding not realities of relationship problems. Advised problems don’t get better, if anything get worse. Sure things will get better once they are actually married because she will have more authority in house. Told her that wasn’t realistic.

my dad was bipolar too. four months ago he fucking shot himself. i’ve posted about this, but i still don’t understand. i don’t understand why he left me. no one found him for three days, and i read the autopsy report. i can’t stop seeing what they described in my head. i can’t stop imagining him sitting on his couch and shooting himself, crying and alone. i wish to whatever god there might be that he had just told me, or anyone, what he was thinking about doing. before he did it, he had taken 60 mg of klonopin. he had gotten his prescription five days before he died, and when they found the bottle, it was empty. last time we talked to him, he was slurring his words, and now i know why. he didn’t even leave us a note. he wrote one, and then tore it up and left it in his trash. i’m so confused. i don’t know how to be alive without my dad. i’ve never had to be. i’m 19, and this fucking sucks. he should’ve been there to help me move into my dorm, and i want to send him songs that he would like and tell him about my classes. i feel like i’m living my worst nightmare. i’m so lost, and i feel like my heart is missing. i can’t believe he’s been gone for this long. i wonder if it will always feel this awful. i just wanted to tell someone this, to get it off my chest.

My experience with drugs and doctors so far
For the past 5 years i've been on prescription medication I was first prescribed when I was 15 (i'm 20 now). I discontinued all of them over about the span of a month a few months ago. I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety at 15 and was prescribed Celexa 20mg, Ativan 2mg, and 54mg Concerta. Then later I was switched over to Klonopin 1mg a long acting benzodiazepine and Lexapro.
Then I was enrolled in a new school after not attending the 9th grade because my anxiety and drug addictions were too bad, all I wanted to do was self medicate with anything I could get my hands on from DXM to the hydrocodone syrup I procured from my Mom, and essentially just hide away from the world. I overdosed for the first time from taking I don't know how many mg's of Klonopin and drinking half of a 40 oz of vodka.
I was smoking weed every day all day (I started smoking weed when I was 13 not daily till I was 15 when I got a job). Then I started experiencing a new life with these prescription drugs I was suddenly going to school getting good grades and I was meeting girls I had a job too then I started abusing mdma, mushrooms, cocaine, and acid (sometimes I would mix them).
I stopped going to school again the following year for grade 11 and stopped going to work I had also stopped taking the prescription drugs. I purchased my first digital scale and started doing chops when I was 16 started with a half ounce quickly moved up to a quarter pound of weed and stayed there for awhile and dabbled in speed pills, methamphetamine was the perfect drug to be on for drug dealing.
It was a normal occurrence for the police to show up at my house because my Mom would call them on me because I was smashing stuff and punching holes in walls so I was in and out of the hospital a lot. I kept abusing drugs everyday and selling them then I got kicked out of home when I was 17 and went to live with my drug dealer.
Things basically kept getting worse I had stayed up for a week, on mdma and cocaine. Eventually I couldn't live with my drug dealer anymore because I couldn't handle it and I chose to be homeless. This is when I started doing xanax, oxycodone, dilaudid, and copious amounts of speed and cocaine I would be walking around and anywhere I could go inside that had a bathroom I would go in and quickly set up a huge line on the screen of my phone, I was living out of a backpack.
Eventually me and my 3 good friends were able to afford to rent a house so my homeless issues were solved but my drug addictions only got worse and I ended up having to leave that house mostly because my friends wanted nothing to do with me at that point.
I was out one night and by chance met this guy who we will call Nick, who sold me two green xanax bars and these weren't normal green xanax bars that are imprinted S903.. It was a fat bar and it was imprinted on one side with a 4 and the other side said XANAX how the white bars are marked only with a 2 instead of a 4. There is no such thing as a 4mg xanax bar it was definitely counterfeit (I'm pretty sure I knew I just didn't care). So I drank them both down in the middle of the restaurant with the coffee I had just purchased where I met Nick by chance that sold me the xanax. All I remember is leaving the coffee shop with Nick and then instantly blacking out then I just remember waking up on someones couch not knowing where the fuck I was what happened or who I was with.
Then I found my way back to the house I was renting got into a fist fight with my friends then I left because I thought they had called the police on me for some reason and I had A LOT of drugs on me. Eventually I went to this place called Withdrawal Management to try to get a chance to get clean for a week to be able to attend rehab and I met a lot of other addicts some the same as me or worse off than me that had been shooting crystal meth or heroin.
It took me at least 4 or 5 tries but I was able to complete the program without leaving or getting kicked out and I was allowed to go to rehab. Then I went to rehab and left the very same day lol.. So I ended up homeless again then I started seeing my doctor again and I was prescribed Seroquel because I was showing symptoms of drug induced psychosis.
I got an apartment that I lived in alone and I was finally off the street. I started seeing a new doctor I was doing a lot of speed around this time and I was high almost everytime I saw this doctor so I was diagnosed a schizophrenic and I was put on a new medication regimen still similar to what my previous doctor had prescribed me. I was on Abilify IM injection monthly, 1mg Clonazepam(they wouldn't give me real kpins for some reason only the generic Clonazepam), 50mg Vyvanse, Cogentin, Effexor, and Gabapentin.
Then I was switched to Paliperidone Trinza IM injection once every 3 months and Bupropion. I was on all this stuff up until 5 months ago when I saw another doctor that reassessed me and diagnosed me once again with just clinical depression and proved I wasn't a schizophrenic so I was allowed to go off the injection that I thought I was going to be on for the rest of my life.
Now that i'm off all the medication I still do drugs I smoke weed everyday I just did some mdma and some acid the other day and at the beginning of last month I purchased 50 xans and 20 speed pills just for personal use. Nothings changed though I still feel debilitated and incapable of going to school or working and I can never sit still and i'm starting to think I really needed some of those drugs (not the injection) to function, I feel very odd a lot of the time I don't feel much social anxiety anymore but i'm just not calm ever and I think I needed the drugs to keep me calm.
I'm not on any prescription drugs right now. I think they were beneficial for some amount of time anyway, the street drugs just messed me up worse though. . I smoked one hit of DMT on a dab nail the other night through a bong and I was on xanax I still very much felt the DMT. I'm not sure how much I smoked but I got intense visuals.

My experience with drugs and doctors so far
For the past 5 years i've been on prescription medication I was first prescribed when I was 15 (i'm 20 now). I discontinued all of them over about the span of a month a few months ago. I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety at 15 and was prescribed Celexa 20mg, Ativan 2mg, and 54mg Concerta. Then later I was switched over to Klonopin 1mg a long acting benzodiazepine and Lexapro.
Then I was enrolled in a new school after not attending the 9th grade because my anxiety and drug addictions were too bad, all I wanted to do was self medicate with anything I could get my hands on from DXM to the hydrocodone syrup I procured from my Mom, and essentially just hide away from the world. I overdosed for the first time from taking I don't know how many mg's of Klonopin and drinking half of a 40 oz of vodka.
I was smoking weed every day all day (I started smoking weed when I was 13 not daily till I was 15 when I got a job). Then I started experiencing a new life with these prescription drugs I was suddenly going to school getting good grades and I was meeting girls I had a job too then I started abusing mdma, mushrooms, cocaine, and acid (sometimes I would mix them).
I stopped going to school again the following year for grade 11 and stopped going to work I had also stopped taking the prescription drugs. I purchased my first digital scale and started doing chops when I was 16 started with a half ounce quickly moved up to a quarter pound of weed and stayed there for awhile and dabbled in speed pills, methamphetamine was the perfect drug to be on for drug dealing.
It was a normal occurrence for the police to show up at my house because my Mom would call them on me because I was smashing stuff and punching holes in walls so I was in and out of the hospital a lot. I kept abusing drugs everyday and selling them then I got kicked out of home when I was 17 and went to live with my drug dealer.
Things basically kept getting worse I had stayed up for a week, on mdma and cocaine. Eventually I couldn't live with my drug dealer anymore because I couldn't handle it and I chose to be homeless. This is when I started doing xanax, oxycodone, dilaudid, and copious amounts of speed and cocaine I would be walking around and anywhere I could go inside that had a bathroom I would go in and quickly set up a huge line on the screen of my phone, I was living out of a backpack.
Eventually me and my 3 good friends were able to afford to rent a house so my homeless issues were solved but my drug addictions only got worse and I ended up having to leave that house mostly because my friends wanted nothing to do with me at that point.
I was out one night and by chance met this guy who we will call Nick, who sold me two green xanax bars and these weren't normal green xanax bars that are imprinted S903.. It was a fat bar and it was imprinted on one side with a 4 and the other side said XANAX how the white bars are marked only with a 2 instead of a 4. There is no such thing as a 4mg xanax bar it was definitely counterfeit (I'm pretty sure I knew I just didn't care). So I drank them both down in the middle of the restaurant with the coffee I had just purchased where I met Nick by chance that sold me the xanax. All I remember is leaving the coffee shop with Nick and then instantly blacking out then I just remember waking up on someones couch not knowing where the fuck I was what happened or who I was with.
Then I found my way back to the house I was renting got into a fist fight with my friends then I left because I thought they had called the police on me for some reason and I had A LOT of drugs on me. Eventually I went to this place called Withdrawal Management to try to get a chance to get clean for a week to be able to attend rehab and I met a lot of other addicts some the same as me or worse off than me that had been shooting crystal meth or heroin.
It took me at least 4 or 5 tries but I was able to complete the program without leaving or getting kicked out and I was allowed to go to rehab. Then I went to rehab and left the very same day lol.. So I ended up homeless again then I started seeing my doctor again and I was prescribed Seroquel because I was showing symptoms of drug induced psychosis.
I got an apartment that I lived in alone and I was finally off the street. I started seeing a new doctor I was doing a lot of speed around this time and I was high almost everytime I saw this doctor so I was diagnosed a schizophrenic and I was put on a new medication regimen still similar to what my previous doctor had prescribed me. I was on Abilify IM injection monthly, 1mg Clonazepam(they wouldn't give me real kpins for some reason only the generic Clonazepam), 50mg Vyvanse, Cogentin, Effexor, and Gabapentin.
Then I was switched to Paliperidone Trinza IM injection once every 3 months and Bupropion. I was on all this stuff up until 5 months ago when I saw another doctor that reassessed me and diagnosed me once again with just clinical depression and proved I wasn't a schizophrenic so I was allowed to go off the injection that I thought I was going to be on for the rest of my life.
Now that i'm off all the medication I still do drugs I smoke weed everyday I just did some mdma and some acid the other day and at the beginning of last month I purchased 50 xans and 20 speed pills just for personal use. Nothings changed though I still feel debilitated and incapable of going to school or working and I can never sit still and i'm starting to think I really needed some of those drugs (not the injection) to function, I feel very odd a lot of the time I don't feel much social anxiety anymore but i'm just not calm ever and I think I needed the drugs to keep me calm.
I'm not on any prescription drugs right now. I think they were beneficial for some amount of time anyway, the street drugs just messed me up worse though. . I smoked one hit of DMT on a dab nail the other night through a bong and I was on xanax I still very much felt the DMT. I'm not sure how much I smoked but I got intense visuals.

Memory loss is a common topic within the mental health world. I'm going to do my best to summarize some research on which mental health medications impact our memory and why they do.
I'm not against any of these medications. Taking any medication is a risk vs benefit scenario and this is not any sort of medical advise.
​
I will Include the link to the original post that is probably easier to follow but also going to include all the info below.
https://twoforsue.com/our-memory-is-threatened-by-these-6/
​
​
Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors SSRIs
citalopram, celexa, escitalopram, lexapro, fluoxetine, prozac, sarafem, symbyax, fluvoxamine, luvox, luvox CR, paroxetine, paxil, paxil CR, pexeva, sertraline, zoloft, vilazodone, viibryd
Drug class
This is a very common drug class; prescribed to treat anxiety, depression, bipolar disorders, migraines, panic attacks, eating disorders, PTSD, OCD, and even chronic pain. Over 10% of the US takes an SSRI.
What Do SSRIs Do?
What does every medication within this class have in common? They all increase the level of Serotonin in your brain. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. When you take a Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor, you’re blocking the neurons from reabsorbing Serotonin, meaning there is more Serotonin available.
So what does Serotonin do? Well, A LOT. Serotonin influences our mood and emotional state, our digestion, appetite, our sleep cycle. It is found in your brain, in your intestines and even in your blood. One could argue that it impacts everything.
Did You Know?
Serotonin is even in animals, plants and fungus. While we can measure the levels in our blood we cannot measure the levels within our brain. Meaning we’re all in the dark as to how much is within our brain and whether or not it’s even correlated to the amount in our blood.
How SSRIs Impact Memory
Age and gender do not seem to influence the data that SSRIs are correlated with memory effects. Something that is important to mention, is that while research has shown that SSRIs are correlated with memory loss, that doesn’t exactly mean that they CAUSE it. Correlation and cause are two different things. Many people that take SSRIs also take benzodiazepines, drink, smoke, have genetic predisposition to memory loss, etc. Depression and anxiety themselves can even cause memory problems.
Summary
So, after reading through many articles, there overall wasn’t enough credible information to emphatically say that an SSRI causes memory loss. In fact, I came across more research that suggested SSRIs improve cognitive performance and memory. Some data also specifically supported that SSRI’s can improve memory for patients experiencing psychosis and depression.
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Tricyclic Antidepressant TCAs
anafranil, clomipramine, asendin, amoxapine, elavil, amitriptyline, norpramin, desipramine, pamelor, nortriptyline, sinequan, doxepin, surmontil, trimipramine, tofranil, imipramine, vivactil, protiptyline
Drug Class
The word “tricyclic” refers to the three molecular ring shapes associated with this drug class. These existed before SSRIs, but they seem to cause more side effects. This has led to SSRIs being more commonly prescribed nowadays. TCAs are still often administered for things like anxiety, depression, migraines, panic disorder, eating disorders, mood disorders, insomnia, hormone disorders, bedwetting, and even nerve pain.
What do Tricyclic Antidepressants Do?
What do all TCAs have in common? Similar to an SSRI, tricyclic antidepressants impact neurotransmitters. But, in addition to serotonin, they also block the reabsorption of norepinephrine. They ALSO block acetylcholine receptors. These key differences create a cascade of effects in the body that do impact memory. These key differences are also the culprit for the common side effects in this drug class like dry mouth, blurred vision, and urinary retention.
Did You Know?
In 1945, the Sulphur bridge of the phenothiazine ring of promethazine was altered to synthesize G22355 ( a weak antihistamine and mild anticholinergic with sedative properties). The new 'invention' was tested as an antipsychotic. It was ineffective for schizophrenia, but did have antidepressant properties. Thus, the first clinically useful tricyclic antidepressant (TCA) was discovered.
How TCAs Impact Memory
There are multiple reasons why a TCA impacts our memory. The first reason is that we retain memory best when norepinephrine is released at an optimal rate. These drugs block the reabsorption of norepinephrine; which is known to be a moderator of memory. With too much of it, we are anxious and stressed, too little of it and we are drowsy and not as coherent. Either way, the drug has an impact on norepinephrine which directly influences how we store memory.
The second reason why this drug class impacts memory is because it competes with our natural antagonists on muscarinic, and histaminergic receptors. It is well documented that these drugs block muscarinic receptors (which is an acetylcholine receptor), and acetylcholine directly impacts learning and memory.

“Muscarinic acetylcholine receptors in the hippocampus and cortex underlie memory formation”

Summary
So, TCAs are a drug that research has linked with memory impairments and dementia. These drugs interfere with our bodies baseline of norepinephrine and acetylcholine. As with any drug; sometimes they create an optimal effect on a person, as for others, not so much. If a person is too excitable and anxious, a TCA can improve their quality of life (even could improve memory if their extreme anxiety was impairing it), while for another it can make them drowsy and leave a bad impression.
*Note each drug within the class impacts the degree of these effects a little differently.
If you’re feeling like doing a deep dive into some of the articles I read to gain clarity, by all means, click the links below!
Differential Cognitive Actions of Norepinephrine α2 and α1 Receptor Signaling in the Prefrontal Cortex
The effect of tricyclic antidepressants on cholinergic responses of single cortical neurones.
A brief history of antidepressant drug development: from tricyclics to beyond ketamine
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Benzodiazepines
alprazolam, xanax, chlordiazepoxide, librium, clonazepam, klonopin, clorazepate, tranxene, diazepam, valium, lorazepam, ativan, oxazepam, serax, temazepam, restoril, triazolam, halcion
Drug Class
These are commonly considered anti-anxiety medication (though can be used for seizures, insomnia, and muscle spasms). They work by quickly slowing down important parts of our brain.
Let’s taco ‘bout it.
This drug class specifically targets the GABA-A receptor, enhancing its effect, which slows down our central nervous system; this makes us feel relaxed, because the drug has retarted a major gear in our system (sometimes this is EXACTLY what we need).
Did You Know?
Anesthesiologists often give Versed (a benzodiazepine) so patients will not remember surgery?
How Benzodiazepines Impact Memory
This drug class changes our mental state & while the drug is advantageously quick acting, the effects linger. Short-term memory is not as affected, but long-term memory is specifically impaired. The memory loss may occur because events are not transferred from short-term memory to long-term memory and thus not consolidated into memory storage. The effects are similar to the long-term effects of alcoholism (alcohol is also a CNS depressant). Both of these substances, used long term actually damage our brain.
This is why a rehab center isn’t going to allow the use of 'said drug' while ‘recovering’. This is why therapists often (but not always) stray away from patients taking 'said drug' while trying to work on trauma, recovery, etc. If the brain is not functioning & you're not able to remember anything, how can you work on it? The most effective aspects of benzodiazepines are precisely why individuals have a tendency to become dependent on them.
Now, don't shoot the messenger. Obviously, there is a time and a place for benzodiazepines. They're an actual life saver for the (hopefully) occasional panic attack. But how sadistic is that Benzodiazepines have addictive properties, which means that with repeated use we will need increasingly higher doses, making the dent in your memory more and more indisputable.
Full Disclosure
My mother was an addict, benzodiazepines being her drug of choice.
Do you know an addict whose drug of choice is a benzodiazepine? No SHAME, but if so, you can probably attest that they don’t remember shit.
How about an addict whose drug of choice is alcohol? All love here, but you can say for certain, they don’t remember shit.
There has even been a fair amount of data to support that the risk of Alzheimer’s is elevated in those taking the drug for over 6 months. One Harvard study even speculated that it would raise the risk by 84%! Seems unrealistic, but who am I to question Harvard; I'll add the link below if you're also feeling speculative.
Another point of concern is that this drug will inhibit your brain from initiating activity of GABA A (since the medication has so kindly been doing it). What this means is that after the drug is long gone from your system, your brain experiences a lag in restoring the normal GABA balance.
This is often what is referred to as “rebound anxiety” because your anxiety is likely to get worse, before it gets better after taking a benzodiazepine, especially if taken long term.
Take it from a nurse who works in mental health; it's not enjoyable being the bystander of a patient trying to escape their benzo addiction.
But this is why the mental health world is increasingly trying to move towards low dosing and only prescribing for a limited amount of time.
Now, Benzodiazepines are very dangerous to quit cold turkey, so please don’t go flush yours down the toilet after reading this.
When Benzodiazepines were first discovered they offered an immediate solution to the overwhelming crippling anxiety that many people face, but the harsh reality is that we’re now in a benzo addiction crisis. We’re learning over time, as a society and those changes don’t happen overnight. And trust me, as a mental health professional I myself occasionally grow infuriated at the amount of family doctors who prescribe copious amounts of benzodiazepines only to later turn the patient away after addiction has crippled them.
Harvard Article Claims Benzodiazepine use may raise risk of Alzheimer’s disease

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ― Steven Wright

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Anti-Epileptics
topiramate, topamax, zonisamide, zonegran, levetiracetam, keppra, pregabalin, lyrica, clonazepam, klonopin, rufinamide, banzel, vigabatrin, sabril, phenytoin, dilantin, oxcarbazepine, trileptal, carbamazepine, tegretol, lamotrigine, lamictal, lacosamide, vimpat, valproic acid, depakote, phenobarbital, gabapentin, neurontin
Drug Class
Anti-seizure medications are commonly used for mood disorders and even anxiety in addition to epilepsy.
What Do They Do?
Epilepsy is caused by excessive hyperexcitability of the nervous system therefore, medications in this class are geared toward minimizing excitability. This drug class actually encompasses three different major classes

1. Blocking Sodium Channels
2. Enhancement of GABA Inhibition
3. Regulation of Synaptic Releases

Why it Impacts Memory
Overall, anticonvulsants work in different ways; trust me I rode the magic school for HOURS trying to gain an understanding of them to write this. Truthfully, we still have a lot to learn about them. Their impact is complicated and the effects range based on the dose and drug.
For instance, Topamax has pretty diverse pharmacologic actions, because of that, it has been linked with impaired concentration, cognitive dulling, psychomotor retardation, language and comprehension difficulties, rather extreme effects on short-term memory and working memory, poor verbal fluency and word-finding, reduced IQ scores, abnormal thinking and delayed cognitive speed. Because of this dark cloud of side effects, Topamax is sometimes referred to as 'Dope-A-Max'.
However, a more selective medication within the drug class such as Phenytoin or Tegretol are more specific to blocking sodium channels. Overall, they seem to have less impact on memory and cognitive function.
Many of these drugs listed above have an impact on GABA, and long term exposure to GABA agents can alter the functionality of GABA permanently, which means there are potentially permanent consequences to cognition, behaviors, and memory.
Phenobarbital has been linked to lower IQ, and worse effects than Depakote and Tegretol, however it is actually a barbituate. It’s effects are similar to benzodiazepines which you can read more about above.
Gabapentin, used for seizures and often mood disorders, belongs to it's own drug class. Still, it has been linked to memory impairment. Hence, the name, it also impacts GABA, which as mentioned several times now, certainly plays a hand in our ability to remember. At this point there isn’t enough research to say it’s linked to dementia though.
As far as drugs for epilepsy, Gabapentin is tolerated much better than many others. It’s also worth mentioning that this drug seems to have more short term effects on memory. Some will experience a disorienting feeling or short term memory loss while taking Gabapentin, but the reports of long term memory being impacted are reported less often.
Long Term Effects of Gabapentin
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Antipsychotics
sometimes referred to as major tranquilizers or neuroleptics; risperidone, risperdal, quetiapine, seroquel, olanzapine, zyprexa, ziprasidone, zeldox, paliperidone, invega, aripiprazole, abilify, clozapine, clozaril, fluphenazine
Drug Class
Commonly used as the first line treatment for schizophrenia & sometimes used for mood disorders, depression, personality disorders, Tourette's syndrome & Huntington's disease
What Do They Do?
Most drugs in this class work to block Dopamine, though some do impact other chemicals in the brain.
Did You Know?
Oddly enough, memory seems to actually be improved when using an antipsychotic for a person with psychotic symptoms, though there are many that take medications within this class that are not psychotic. So let's talk about that more.
Why It Impacts Memory
First, let's skip back to the purpose of these drugs. Schizophrenia is the major psychotic disorder we use antipsychotics for. Some of the main symptoms are delusions, lack of motivation, unusual behaviors, and hallucinations. Dopamine has been thought to regulate our brains understanding of our surroundings and what it all means to us. So, it's to be expected that drugs within this class target Dopamine.
This class is broken up into two categories;
First Generation (old, typical): Block Dopamine-2 Receptors, which means they also block acetylcholine, histamine and norepinephrine. which do impact the complex way in which we store memories. *More movement disorders come with the old ones.
Second Generation: (new, atypical): Block Serotonin and Dopamine Receptors**.** Less risk of extra movements, increased risk of diabetes, high cholesterol, and weight gain.
What do they all have in common? They impact Dopamine. Long story short; A delicate balance of Dopamine is needed for memory to function. Since this class targets Dopamine, it's fair to say it has the potential to alter our memory. Whether that's a good or bad thing is specific to the patient, but it's typically an unwelcome effect.
Antihistamines
brompheniramine, dimetane, benadryl, diphenhydramine, carbinoxamine, clistin, clemastine, tavist, doxylamine, unisom, hydroxyzine, atarax, vistaril, promethazine, phenergan, triprolidine, triafed
Drug Class
Commonly used for allergies but also used for anxiety. Antihistamines are divided into different 'generations' & target different histamine receptors in our body.

• H1 Receptors: Found Throughout the Body
• H2 Receptors: Mostly Stomach Acid Secretion
• H3 Receptors: Central Nervous System
• H4 Receptors: Still Being Researched

What Do They Do?
We're actually still learning a lot about histamines but what we do know is that **anti-**histamines are usually anticholinergic; blocking receptors for choline. The problem is that we need choline to be readily available to have the ability to learn, understand and remember.
Why it Impacts Memory?
Being that antihistamines are often anticholinergic, they do impair our ability to think, learn and remember. Especially the first generation antihistamines that easily penetrate our brain. We already naturally produce less acetylcholine overtime. This is partly why as we age our ability to remember, think, and learn diminishes. It's widely known that anticholinergics impact memory, thinking, learning, and muscle function. It is also suggested that these drugs increase the risk of developing dementia.
Did you know?
The only drug within this class that can be given intravenously is Benadryl. Since Benadryl is a first generation, it impacts our body in many ways in addition to the reason why it's administered. Since first generation antihistamines are much less specific in their effects, they are affiliated with greater memory impairment. Though, being the only IV antihistamine available, it is still widely used in hospital settings.
Summary
Overall, the effects range. Regarding mental health specifically; Vistaril, hydroxyzine and Atarax are commonly prescribed for anxiety. While your risks are much less severe than benzodiazepines, these are FIRST generation antihistamines. Therefore, they do have a sedating effect (precisely why they can relieve tension) but this is also means they do impair our ability to remember.
An example of second generation antihistamines are Claritin & Zyrtec. Unlike first generation antihistamines, these do not cross the blood-brain barrier as easily. Therefore, they relieve many effects of allergies, but do not have as many sedating properties or memory impairments associated with them. When it comes to anxiety though, Claritin & Zyrtec won't do you much good.
Here is the link again for original post below.
https://twoforsue.com/our-memory-is-threatened-by-these-6/

Memory loss is a common topic within the mental health world. I'm an RN that works in Mental Health & going to do my best to summarize some research on which mental health medications impact our memory and why they do.
​
I will Include the link to the original post that is probably easier to follow but also going to include all the info below.
https://twoforsue.com/our-memory-is-threatened-by-these-6/
​
​
Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors SSRIs
citalopram, celexa, escitalopram, lexapro, fluoxetine, prozac, sarafem, symbyax, fluvoxamine, luvox, luvox CR, paroxetine, paxil, paxil CR, pexeva, sertraline, zoloft, vilazodone, viibryd
Drug class
This is a very common drug class; prescribed to treat anxiety, depression, bipolar disorders, migraines, panic attacks, eating disorders, PTSD, OCD, and even chronic pain. Over 10% of the US takes an SSRI.
What Do SSRIs Do?
What does every medication within this class have in common? They all increase the level of Serotonin in your brain. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter. When you take a Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor, you’re blocking the neurons from reabsorbing Serotonin, meaning there is more Serotonin available.
So what does Serotonin do? Well, A LOT. Serotonin influences our mood and emotional state, our digestion, appetite, our sleep cycle. It is found in your brain, in your intestines and even in your blood. One could argue that it impacts everything.
Did You Know?
Serotonin is even in animals, plants and fungus. While we can measure the levels in our blood we cannot measure the levels within our brain. Meaning we’re all in the dark as to how much is within our brain and whether or not it’s even correlated to the amount in our blood.
How SSRIs Impact Memory
Age and gender do not seem to influence the data that SSRIs are correlated with memory effects. Something that is important to mention, is that while research has shown that SSRIs are correlated with memory loss, that doesn’t exactly mean that they CAUSE it. Correlation and cause are two different things. Many people that take SSRIs also take benzodiazepines, drink, smoke, have genetic predisposition to memory loss, etc. Depression and anxiety themselves can even cause memory problems.
Summary
So, after reading through many articles, there overall wasn’t enough credible information to emphatically say that an SSRI causes memory loss. In fact, I came across more research that suggested SSRIs improve cognitive performance and memory. Some data also specifically supported that SSRI’s can improve memory for patients experiencing psychosis and depression.
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​
Tricyclic Antidepressant TCAs
anafranil, clomipramine, asendin, amoxapine, elavil, amitriptyline, norpramin, desipramine, pamelor, nortriptyline, sinequan, doxepin, surmontil, trimipramine, tofranil, imipramine, vivactil, protiptyline
Drug Class
The word “tricyclic” refers to the three molecular ring shapes associated with this drug class. These existed before SSRIs, but they seem to cause more side effects. This has led to SSRIs being more commonly prescribed nowadays. TCAs are still often administered for things like anxiety, depression, migraines, panic disorder, eating disorders, mood disorders, insomnia, hormone disorders, bedwetting, and even nerve pain.
What do Tricyclic Antidepressants Do?
What do all TCAs have in common? Similar to an SSRI, tricyclic antidepressants impact neurotransmitters. But, in addition to serotonin, they also block the reabsorption of norepinephrine. They ALSO block acetylcholine receptors. These key differences create a cascade of effects in the body that do impact memory. These key differences are also the culprit for the common side effects in this drug class like dry mouth, blurred vision, and urinary retention.
Did You Know?
In 1945, the Sulphur bridge of the phenothiazine ring of promethazine was altered to synthesize G22355 ( a weak antihistamine and mild anticholinergic with sedative properties). The new 'invention' was tested as an antipsychotic. It was ineffective for schizophrenia, but did have antidepressant properties. Thus, the first clinically useful tricyclic antidepressant (TCA) was discovered.
How TCAs Impact Memory
There are multiple reasons why a TCA impacts our memory. The first reason is that we retain memory best when norepinephrine is released at an optimal rate. These drugs block the reabsorption of norepinephrine; which is known to be a moderator of memory. With too much of it, we are anxious and stressed, too little of it and we are drowsy and not as coherent. Either way, the drug has an impact on norepinephrine which directly influences how we store memory.
The second reason why this drug class impacts memory is because it competes with our natural antagonists on muscarinic, and histaminergic receptors. It is well documented that these drugs block muscarinic receptors (which is an acetylcholine receptor), and acetylcholine directly impacts learning and memory.

“Muscarinic acetylcholine receptors in the hippocampus and cortex underlie memory formation”

Summary
So, TCAs are a drug that research has linked with memory impairments and dementia. These drugs interfere with our bodies baseline of norepinephrine and acetylcholine. As with any drug; sometimes they create an optimal effect on a person, as for others, not so much. If a person is too excitable and anxious, a TCA can improve their quality of life (even could improve memory if their extreme anxiety was impairing it), while for another it can make them drowsy and leave a bad impression.
*Note each drug within the class impacts the degree of these effects a little differently.
If you’re feeling like doing a deep dive into some of the articles I read to gain clarity, by all means, click the links below!
Differential Cognitive Actions of Norepinephrine α2 and α1 Receptor Signaling in the Prefrontal Cortex
The effect of tricyclic antidepressants on cholinergic responses of single cortical neurones.
A brief history of antidepressant drug development: from tricyclics to beyond ketamine
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Benzodiazepines
alprazolam, xanax, chlordiazepoxide, librium, clonazepam, klonopin, clorazepate, tranxene, diazepam, valium, lorazepam, ativan, oxazepam, serax, temazepam, restoril, triazolam, halcion
Drug Class
These are commonly considered anti-anxiety medication (though can be used for seizures, insomnia, and muscle spasms). They work by quickly slowing down important parts of our brain.
Let’s taco ‘bout it.
This drug class specifically targets the GABA-A receptor, enhancing its effect, which slows down our central nervous system; this makes us feel relaxed, because the drug has retarted a major gear in our system (sometimes this is EXACTLY what we need).
Did You Know?
Anesthesiologists often give Versed (a benzodiazepine) so patients will not remember surgery?
How Benzodiazepines Impact Memory
This drug class changes our mental state & while the drug is advantageously quick acting, the effects linger. Short-term memory is not as affected, but long-term memory is specifically impaired. The memory loss may occur because events are not transferred from short-term memory to long-term memory and thus not consolidated into memory storage. The effects are similar to the long-term effects of alcoholism (alcohol is also a CNS depressant). Both of these substances, used long term actually damage our brain.
This is why a rehab center isn’t going to allow the use of 'said drug' while ‘recovering’. This is why therapists often (but not always) stray away from patients taking 'said drug' while trying to work on trauma, recovery, etc. If the brain is not functioning & you're not able to remember anything, how can you work on it? The most effective aspects of benzodiazepines are precisely why individuals have a tendency to become dependent on them.
Now, don't shoot the messenger. Obviously, there is a time and a place for benzodiazepines. They're an actual life saver for the (hopefully) occasional panic attack. But how sadistic is that Benzodiazepines have addictive properties, which means that with repeated use we will need increasingly higher doses, making the dent in your memory more and more indisputable.
Full Disclosure
My mother was an addict, benzodiazepines being her drug of choice.
Do you know an addict whose drug of choice is a benzodiazepine? No SHAME, but if so, you can probably attest that they don’t remember shit.
How about an addict whose drug of choice is alcohol? All love here, but you can say for certain, they don’t remember shit.
There has even been a fair amount of data to support that the risk of Alzheimer’s is elevated in those taking the drug for over 6 months. One Harvard study even speculated that it would raise the risk by 84%! Seems unrealistic, but who am I to question Harvard; I'll add the link below if you're also feeling speculative.
Another point of concern is that this drug will inhibit your brain from initiating activity of GABA A (since the medication has so kindly been doing it). What this means is that after the drug is long gone from your system, your brain experiences a lag in restoring the normal GABA balance.
This is often what is referred to as “rebound anxiety” because your anxiety is likely to get worse, before it gets better after taking a benzodiazepine, especially if taken long term.
Take it from a nurse who works in mental health; it's not enjoyable being the bystander of a patient trying to escape their benzo addiction.
But this is why the mental health world is increasingly trying to move towards low dosing and only prescribing for a limited amount of time.
Now, Benzodiazepines are very dangerous to quit cold turkey, so please don’t go flush yours down the toilet after reading this.
When Benzodiazepines were first discovered they offered an immediate solution to the overwhelming crippling anxiety that many people face, but the harsh reality is that we’re now in a benzo addiction crisis. We’re learning over time, as a society and those changes don’t happen overnight. And trust me, as a mental health professional I myself occasionally grow infuriated at the amount of family doctors who prescribe copious amounts of benzodiazepines only to later turn the patient away after addiction has crippled them.
Harvard Article Claims Benzodiazepine use may raise risk of Alzheimer’s disease

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ― Steven Wright

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Anti-Epileptics
topiramate, topamax, zonisamide, zonegran, levetiracetam, keppra, pregabalin, lyrica, clonazepam, klonopin, rufinamide, banzel, vigabatrin, sabril, phenytoin, dilantin, oxcarbazepine, trileptal, carbamazepine, tegretol, lamotrigine, lamictal, lacosamide, vimpat, valproic acid, depakote, phenobarbital, gabapentin, neurontin
Drug Class
Anti-seizure medications are commonly used for mood disorders and even anxiety in addition to epilepsy.
What Do They Do?
Epilepsy is caused by excessive hyperexcitability of the nervous system therefore, medications in this class are geared toward minimizing excitability. This drug class actually encompasses three different major classes

1. Blocking Sodium Channels
2. Enhancement of GABA Inhibition
3. Regulation of Synaptic Releases

Why it Impacts Memory
Overall, anticonvulsants work in different ways; trust me I rode the magic school for HOURS trying to gain an understanding of them to write this. Truthfully, we still have a lot to learn about them. Their impact is complicated and the effects range based on the dose and drug.
For instance, Topamax has pretty diverse pharmacologic actions, because of that, it has been linked with impaired concentration, cognitive dulling, psychomotor retardation, language and comprehension difficulties, rather extreme effects on short-term memory and working memory, poor verbal fluency and word-finding, reduced IQ scores, abnormal thinking and delayed cognitive speed. Because of this dark cloud of side effects, Topamax is sometimes referred to as 'Dope-A-Max'.
However, a more selective medication within the drug class such as Phenytoin or Tegretol are more specific to blocking sodium channels. Overall, they seem to have less impact on memory and cognitive function.
Many of these drugs listed above have an impact on GABA, and long term exposure to GABA agents can alter the functionality of GABA permanently, which means there are potentially permanent consequences to cognition, behaviors, and memory.
Phenobarbital has been linked to lower IQ, and worse effects than Depakote and Tegretol, however it is actually a barbituate. It’s effects are similar to benzodiazepines which you can read more about above.
Gabapentin, used for seizures and often mood disorders, belongs to it's own drug class. Still, it has been linked to memory impairment. Hence, the name, it also impacts GABA, which as mentioned several times now, certainly plays a hand in our ability to remember. At this point there isn’t enough research to say it’s linked to dementia though.
As far as drugs for epilepsy, Gabapentin is tolerated much better than many others. It’s also worth mentioning that this drug seems to have more short term effects on memory. Some will experience a disorienting feeling or short term memory loss while taking Gabapentin, but the reports of long term memory being impacted are reported less often.
Long Term Effects of Gabapentin
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Antipsychotics
sometimes referred to as major tranquilizers or neuroleptics; risperidone, risperdal, quetiapine, seroquel, olanzapine, zyprexa, ziprasidone, zeldox, paliperidone, invega, aripiprazole, abilify, clozapine, clozaril, fluphenazine
Drug Class
Commonly used as the first line treatment for schizophrenia & sometimes used for mood disorders, depression, personality disorders, Tourette's syndrome & Huntington's disease
What Do They Do?
Most drugs in this class work to block Dopamine, though some do impact other chemicals in the brain.
Did You Know?
Oddly enough, memory seems to actually be improved when using an antipsychotic for a person with psychotic symptoms, though there are many that take medications within this class that are not psychotic. So let's talk about that more.
Why It Impacts Memory
First, let's skip back to the purpose of these drugs. Schizophrenia is the major psychotic disorder we use antipsychotics for. Some of the main symptoms are delusions, lack of motivation, unusual behaviors, and hallucinations. Dopamine has been thought to regulate our brains understanding of our surroundings and what it all means to us. So, it's to be expected that drugs within this class target Dopamine.
This class is broken up into two categories;
First Generation (old, typical): Block Dopamine-2 Receptors, which means they also block acetylcholine, histamine and norepinephrine. which do impact the complex way in which we store memories. *More movement disorders come with the old ones.
Second Generation: (new, atypical): Block Serotonin and Dopamine Receptors**.** Less risk of extra movements, increased risk of diabetes, high cholesterol, and weight gain.
What do they all have in common? They impact Dopamine. Long story short; A delicate balance of Dopamine is needed for memory to function. Since this class targets Dopamine, it's fair to say it has the potential to alter our memory. Whether that's a good or bad thing is specific to the patient, but it's typically an unwelcome effect.
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Antihistamines
brompheniramine, dimetane, benadryl, diphenhydramine, carbinoxamine, clistin, clemastine, tavist, doxylamine, unisom, hydroxyzine, atarax, vistaril, promethazine, phenergan, triprolidine, triafed
Drug Class
Commonly used for allergies but also used for anxiety. Antihistamines are divided into different 'generations' & target different histamine receptors in our body.

• H1 Receptors: Found Throughout the Body
• H2 Receptors: Mostly Stomach Acid Secretion
• H3 Receptors: Central Nervous System
• H4 Receptors: Still Being Researched

What Do They Do?
We're actually still learning a lot about histamines but what we do know is that **anti-**histamines are usually anticholinergic; blocking receptors for choline. The problem is that we need choline to be readily available to have the ability to learn, understand and remember.
Why it Impacts Memory?
Being that antihistamines are often anticholinergic, they do impair our ability to think, learn and remember. Especially the first generation antihistamines that easily penetrate our brain. We already naturally produce less acetylcholine overtime. This is partly why as we age our ability to remember, think, and learn diminishes. It's widely known that anticholinergics impact memory, thinking, learning, and muscle function. It is also suggested that these drugs increase the risk of developing dementia.
Did you know?
The only drug within this class that can be given intravenously is Benadryl. Since Benadryl is a first generation, it impacts our body in many ways in addition to the reason why it's administered. Since first generation antihistamines are much less specific in their effects, they are affiliated with greater memory impairment. Though, being the only IV antihistamine available, it is still widely used in hospital settings.
Summary
Overall, the effects range. Regarding mental health specifically; Vistaril, hydroxyzine and Atarax are commonly prescribed for anxiety. While your risks are much less severe than benzodiazepines, these are FIRST generation antihistamines. Therefore, they do have a sedating effect (precisely why they can relieve tension) but this is also means they do impair our ability to remember.
An example of second generation antihistamines are Claritin & Zyrtec. Unlike first generation antihistamines, these do not cross the blood-brain barrier as easily. Therefore, they relieve many effects of allergies, but do not have as many sedating properties or memory impairments associated with them. When it comes to anxiety though, Claritin & Zyrtec won't do you much good.
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Here is the link again for original post below.
https://twoforsue.com/our-memory-is-threatened-by-these-6/