Joyangeles loud fart

What do you think is the proper sauna etiquette? Having sauna'd in tens of countries, experiencing very different sauna cultures, here's what I think a good sauna etiquette is. Mind you, I'm a Finn myself. What do you think, what's missing, what doesn't work for you?
PUBLIC SAUNA:

1. Find out first whether you are required to wear swimming suit, or not. Respect the tradition, either way.
   
2. Use ass cover. Pefletti.
   
3. Never eat or prepare food in public sauna.
   
4. Drinking water is always approved, alcohol is approved only if others are OK with it.
   
5. Water *must* be allowed to be thrown on the stove. If not, it's not a sauna, and none of the rules apply.
   
6. All kind of loudness, singing annoying behaviour, farting, sneezing or - god forbid - stretching, or doing the absolutely annoying German thing of waving your sweaty towel around - is forbidden and punishable by death. Talking is, and must be, allowed, but keep the level down.
   
7. Beer shouldn't be added to the sauna water in a public sauna.
   
8. Always ask before throwing more water. If it's a big public bath with huge main stove, ask when you leave if people want water thrown to the stove.
   
9. Music, TV or other entertainment of that sorts, cellphones, laptops etc. don't belong in Sauna.
   

PRIVATE SAUNA:

1. Use pefletti.
   
2. You may prepare food on the sauna stones as long as it's wrapped tightly in tin foil and doesn't break. Sauna sausages are a delicious treat when prepared right.
   
3. You may listen to music or podcasts if you are on your own. If not, ask from your sauna buddies.
   
4. You may sing, speak loudly and orate poetry if you so wish, as long as those you are having sauna with agree.
   
5. You are responsible of the fireplace. Make sure there's enough wood, and never leave it unattended for a long time.
   
6. Don't fall asleep in sauna.
   
7. You may add some beer to sauna water if you like farty smell in a sauna, but *never* do it with wine or harder liquors.
   
8. Sauna competitions are stupid. Don't do them. Sauna is for relaxation, not competing.
   
9. Always clean up after yourself. Floors, benches, dressing room, take care of your trash, make sure the fire is properly attended and if you leave before it's completely out and in embers, make sure it can't spread.
   
10. Always throw one more scoop of water to the sauna elf.
    

Ok firstly, my name is not a reference to necrophilia. It’s a band from the 70s.
What can anyone say when attempting to describe themselves in a way which attracts the right person? I have no clue. So I tend to just be rather honest in my self description. I’m not trying to attract the masses. I’m trying to attract the people who are kind of ok with who I am.
I’m an odd guy. Comfortable with who I am and confident. But odd. I don’t have the fortune of having a ton of common interests with most people. That’s become more pronounced with age. I don’t golf. I don’t watch American sports. Mainly because it’s alien to me to take something so seriously. I don’t have or want kids. Not into cars.
I’m an introvert (exacerbated by the wonderful lock down in which I was free to be as big a homebody as I wanted ). There’s a weird situational duality with my introversion. I’m in sales, so I have to be “on” at work. If you asked me to speak to a room full of people about a subject I have knowledge about, I’m fine with it. However a social Setting with many people I don’t know? I get quiet and uncomfortable. Mainly because I don’t assume people necessarily want to be bothered (because it’s in my nature to not necessarily want to be bothered). And also because I know the same old ice breakers are coming. To which I have no good answers (about the local sports team or cars or babies or investments etc). I wish I were interested in these things.
I have solid friends whom I love. But most of them have moved away or started families. I get invited to kids birthday parties, but gone are the days of just hanging out. And as you get older, you start taking care of more things so it’s hard to squeeze in social time when you know you have to get that load of laundry done because you’re not off again for a week etc etc etc.
Maybe my introversion in the last few years is driven by how divisive most subjects are nowadays. Everything is “us against THEM” or “if you’re not with me you’re against me”. I feel like that’s exactly what we’re driven towards and it’s sad to see how easily those strings are pulled by various sources. I believe there’s always a common ground and you should learn to play nice with your neighbors.
Also, I came to realize (at some point) that I was raised with insufferably arrogant male role models in my life. I acted similarly to them when I was younger (out of insecurity, just as they did) and upon having this realization, it makes it harder to be loud or outspoken. I no longer think my opinions are any more valid than anyone else’s. The world is absolutely chocked full of interesting and beautiful people and you hardly notice them because there are so many loud people.
Ok so you got through all of the above rambling. Maybe I should say who I am.
I’m 42. Average height (5’10.5”). A little above average weight. Latino (not raised speaking Spanish or being very in touch with my roots). Child free (doesn’t want kids but doesn’t hate children). I’m liberal and non religious.
I get excited over random things. New cooking utensils (I just got a carbon steel pan not long ago and love it). I bought a chefs press. Must brown all the things!
I’m a pretty decent cook. If I’m trying something new I’ll probably make it for a week straight just to “get it right”. Or at least until I’m happy with it.
I love salads. There’s literally always room for salad. The way most people feel about desert is how I feel about salads. All kinds of salads.
I think iceberg lettuce is highly underrated.
I probably make more Asian dishes than anything else since Asian food is my great love.
I’m allergic to peanuts and shellfish (and cats) so my great loves are also forbidden loves.
I feel that sharing food is a magical way to connect to people.
I have owned more guitars than I can remember. A wise man once told me “you can’t take them with you” and I listened. My collection is much smaller now.
Music is the one constant thing in my life day to day. I would say it’s my life but I’ve known people who actually made it their life. Modern music is not quite as appealing to me. It seems “vibey” and doesn’t really have a hook or dynamism. I love James brown, Jimi Hendrix, old blues. 60s funk and soul. Otis Redding. Boom bappy hip hop. Wu tang. Portishead. Anything with oomph. 70s punk. 80s new wave and synth. The list goes on. Sometimes I realize I only get to listen to music in my car and spend my time listening to the same playlists because otherwise I’d be in my car for 40 minutes before going anywhere.
I’m not great at photography but like taking photo walks in random places. Gives me something to focus on rather than just walking. I’m slowly learning what light looks good when translated to a still photo.
I don’t have any prerequisites for the race or ethnicity of the people I date. I believe there are beautiful people everywhere. I don’t have much of a racial or ethnic identity.
I am a rather secure and confident person. And I am seeking the same thing from another person. I don’t want to be taken care of or doted on. I want a partner. Someone who will laugh at the inappropriate, fucked up and vulgar jokes I whisper to them in public. I don’t want to be with just anyone. I want to meet the right person.
If you’re reading this and think it vaguely sounds like a person you might want to talk to, send a chat or message.
I do have to say, I am only looking for eople that live in San Diego, are close (2hr drive max) to san Diego or frequently visit san Diego. Yes, it’s a hard rule. Sorry.
My preferred Age range is roughly 32-45.
Lastly, after having gotten so many responses, here’s a list of things that are hard requirements in what I’m looking for:
Not religious and Doesn’t believe in psychics Or astrology.
Doesn’t want children (or at least doesn’t want more). I don’t hate kids. I just don’t want them. Your kids are your responsibility. But I am definitely not having them at my age.
Doesn’t have an std. it’s actually WILD to me that I have to say this. The amount of people that message and don’t lead with it… is shocking.
Doesn’t do hard drugs (weed is fine).
Admits they fart. Yes, I said it. If the subject of flatulence makes you uncomfortable, you’re far too uptight for me. I think it’s a great indicator of humor compatibility.
Isn’t a love bomber. If you don’t know what that means, it’s a person who tends to jump quickly into infatuation with a person without knowing much about them. They bomb you with affection. Unsustainable and inexplicable amounts of affection. If you read that description and thought “ugh . No “ then we’re probably like minded. If you read it and thought “but that sounds so nice” we’re definitely not compatible.
The only physical requirement I have is that you’re not obese.
I am physically most attracted to medium to dark skin with dark hair with almond shaped eyes, but honestly I am open to literally everyone.
As you can see above I’ve written quite a bit. I expect that if you reply, you’ll write quite a bit too. If you respond with less than a paragraph I’m going to ignore it. I have yet to come across a fake account that writes more than one sentence. So that’ll be my filter.

Ok firstly, my name is not a reference to necrophilia. It’s a band from the 70s.
What can anyone say when attempting to describe themselves in a way which attracts the right person? I have no clue. So I tend to just be rather honest in my self description. I’m not trying to attract the masses. I’m trying to attract the people who are kind of ok with who I am.
I’m an odd guy. Comfortable with who I am and confident. But odd. I don’t have the fortune of having a ton of common interests with most people. That’s become more pronounced with age. I don’t golf. I don’t watch American sports. Mainly because it’s alien to me to take something so seriously. I don’t have or want kids. Not into cars.
I’m an introvert (exacerbated by the wonderful lock down in which I was free to be as big a homebody as I wanted ). There’s a weird situational duality with my introversion. I’m in sales, so I have to be “on” at work. If you asked me to speak to a room full of people about a subject I have knowledge about, I’m fine with it. However a social Setting with many people I don’t know? I get quiet and uncomfortable. Mainly because I don’t assume people necessarily want to be bothered (because it’s in my nature to not necessarily want to be bothered). And also because I know the same old ice breakers are coming. To which I have no good answers (about the local sports team or cars or babies or investments etc). I wish I were interested in these things.
I have solid friends whom I love. But most of them have moved away or started families. I get invited to kids birthday parties, but gone are the days of just hanging out. And as you get older, you start taking care of more things so it’s hard to squeeze in social time when you know you have to get that load of laundry done because you’re not off again for a week etc etc etc.
Maybe my introversion in the last few years is driven by how divisive most subjects are nowadays. Everything is “us against THEM” or “if you’re not with me you’re against me”. I feel like that’s exactly what we’re driven towards and it’s sad to see how easily those strings are pulled by various sources. I believe there’s always a common ground and you should learn to play nice with your neighbors.
Also, I came to realize (at some point) that I was raised with insufferably arrogant male role models in my life. I acted similarly to them when I was younger (out of insecurity, just as they did) and upon having this realization, it makes it harder to be loud or outspoken. I no longer think my opinions are any more valid than anyone else’s. The world is absolutely chocked full of interesting and beautiful people and you hardly notice them because there are so many loud people.
Ok so you got through all of the above rambling. Maybe I should say who I am.
I’m 42. Average height (5’10.5”). A little above average weight. Latino (not raised speaking Spanish or being very in touch with my roots). Child free (doesn’t want kids but doesn’t hate children). I’m liberal and non religious.
I get excited over random things. New cooking utensils (I just got a carbon steel pan not long ago and love it). I bought a chefs press. Must brown all the things!
I’m a pretty decent cook. If I’m trying something new I’ll probably make it for a week straight just to “get it right”. Or at least until I’m happy with it.
I love salads. There’s literally always room for salad. The way most people feel about desert is how I feel about salads. All kinds of salads.
I think iceberg lettuce is highly underrated.
I probably make more Asian dishes than anything else since Asian food is my great love.
I’m allergic to peanuts and shellfish (and cats) so my great loves are also forbidden loves.
I feel that sharing food is a magical way to connect to people.
I have owned more guitars than I can remember. A wise man once told me “you can’t take them with you” and I listened. My collection is much smaller now.
Music is the one constant thing in my life day to day. I would say it’s my life but I’ve known people who actually made it their life. Modern music is not quite as appealing to me. It seems “vibey” and doesn’t really have a hook or dynamism. I love James brown, Jimi Hendrix, old blues. 60s funk and soul. Otis Redding. Boom bappy hip hop. Wu tang. Portishead. Anything with oomph. 70s punk. 80s new wave and synth. The list goes on. Sometimes I realize I only get to listen to music in my car and spend my time listening to the same playlists because otherwise I’d be in my car for 40 minutes before going anywhere.
I’m not great at photography but like taking photo walks in random places. Gives me something to focus on rather than just walking. I’m slowly learning what light looks good when translated to a still photo.
I don’t have any prerequisites for the race or ethnicity of the people I date. I believe there are beautiful people everywhere. I don’t have much of a racial or ethnic identity.
I am a rather secure and confident person. And I am seeking the same thing from another person. I don’t want to be taken care of or doted on. I want a partner. Someone who will laugh at the inappropriate, fucked up and vulgar jokes I whisper to them in public. I don’t want to be with just anyone. I want to meet the right person.
If you’re reading this and think it vaguely sounds like a person you might want to talk to, send a chat or message.
I do have to say, I am only looking for eople that live in San Diego, are close (2hr drive max) to san Diego or frequently visit san Diego. Yes, it’s a hard rule. Sorry.
My preferred Age range is roughly 32-45.
Lastly, after having gotten so many responses, here’s a list of things that are hard requirements in what I’m looking for:
Not religious and Doesn’t believe in psychics Or astrology.
Doesn’t want children (or at least doesn’t want more). I don’t hate kids. I just don’t want them. Your kids are your responsibility. But I am definitely not having them at my age.
Doesn’t have an std. it’s actually WILD to me that I have to say this. The amount of people that message and don’t lead with it… is shocking.
Doesn’t do hard drugs (weed is fine).
Admits they fart. Yes, I said it. If the subject of flatulence makes you uncomfortable, you’re far too uptight for me. I think it’s a great indicator of humor compatibility.
Isn’t a love bomber. If you don’t know what that means, it’s a person who tends to jump quickly into infatuation with a person without knowing much about them. They bomb you with affection. Unsustainable and inexplicable amounts of affection. If you read that description and thought “ugh . No “ then we’re probably like minded. If you read it and thought “but that sounds so nice” we’re definitely not compatible.
The only physical requirement I have is that you’re not obese.
I am physically most attracted to medium to dark skin with dark hair with almond shaped eyes, but honestly I am open to literally everyone.
As you can see above I’ve written quite a bit. I expect that if you reply, you’ll write quite a bit too. If you respond with less than a paragraph I’m going to ignore it. I have yet to come across a fake account that writes more than one sentence. So that’ll be my filter.

Ok firstly, my name is not a reference to necrophilia. It’s a band from the 70s.
What can anyone say when attempting to describe themselves in a way which attracts the right person? I have no clue. So I tend to just be rather honest in my self description. I’m not trying to attract the masses. I’m trying to attract the people who are kind of ok with who I am.
I’m an odd guy. Comfortable with who I am and confident. But odd. I don’t have the fortune of having a ton of common interests with most people. That’s become more pronounced with age. I don’t golf. I don’t watch American sports. Mainly because it’s alien to me to take something so seriously. I don’t have or want kids. Not into cars.
I’m an introvert (exacerbated by the wonderful lock down in which I was free to be as big a homebody as I wanted ). There’s a weird situational duality with my introversion. I’m in sales, so I have to be “on” at work. If you asked me to speak to a room full of people about a subject I have knowledge about, I’m fine with it. However a social Setting with many people I don’t know? I get quiet and uncomfortable. Mainly because I don’t assume people necessarily want to be bothered (because it’s in my nature to not necessarily want to be bothered). And also because I know the same old ice breakers are coming. To which I have no good answers (about the local sports team or cars or babies or investments etc). I wish I were interested in these things.
I have solid friends whom I love. But most of them have moved away or started families. I get invited to kids birthday parties, but gone are the days of just hanging out. And as you get older, you start taking care of more things so it’s hard to squeeze in social time when you know you have to get that load of laundry done because you’re not off again for a week etc etc etc.
Maybe my introversion in the last few years is driven by how divisive most subjects are nowadays. Everything is “us against THEM” or “if you’re not with me you’re against me”. I feel like that’s exactly what we’re driven towards and it’s sad to see how easily those strings are pulled by various sources. I believe there’s always a common ground and you should learn to play nice with your neighbors.
Also, I came to realize (at some point) that I was raised with insufferably arrogant male role models in my life. I acted similarly to them when I was younger (out of insecurity, just as they did) and upon having this realization, it makes it harder to be loud or outspoken. I no longer think my opinions are any more valid than anyone else’s. The world is absolutely chocked full of interesting and beautiful people and you hardly notice them because there are so many loud people.
Ok so you got through all of the above rambling. Maybe I should say who I am.
I’m 42. Average height (5’10.5”). A little above average weight. Latino (not raised speaking Spanish or being very in touch with my roots). Child free (doesn’t want kids but doesn’t hate children). I’m liberal and non religious.
I get excited over random things. New cooking utensils (I just got a carbon steel pan not long ago and love it). I bought a chefs press. Must brown all the things!
I’m a pretty decent cook. If I’m trying something new I’ll probably make it for a week straight just to “get it right”. Or at least until I’m happy with it.
I love salads. There’s literally always room for salad. The way most people feel about desert is how I feel about salads. All kinds of salads.
I think iceberg lettuce is highly underrated.
I probably make more Asian dishes than anything else since Asian food is my great love.
I’m allergic to peanuts and shellfish (and cats) so my great loves are also forbidden loves.
I feel that sharing food is a magical way to connect to people.
I have owned more guitars than I can remember. A wise man once told me “you can’t take them with you” and I listened. My collection is much smaller now.
Music is the one constant thing in my life day to day. I would say it’s my life but I’ve known people who actually made it their life. Modern music is not quite as appealing to me. It seems “vibey” and doesn’t really have a hook or dynamism. I love James brown, Jimi Hendrix, old blues. 60s funk and soul. Otis Redding. Boom bappy hip hop. Wu tang. Portishead. Anything with oomph. 70s punk. 80s new wave and synth. The list goes on. Sometimes I realize I only get to listen to music in my car and spend my time listening to the same playlists because otherwise I’d be in my car for 40 minutes before going anywhere.
I’m not great at photography but like taking photo walks in random places. Gives me something to focus on rather than just walking. I’m slowly learning what light looks good when translated to a still photo.
I don’t have any prerequisites for the race or ethnicity of the people I date. I believe there are beautiful people everywhere. I don’t have much of a racial or ethnic identity.
I am a rather secure and confident person. And I am seeking the same thing from another person. I don’t want to be taken care of or doted on. I want a partner. Someone who will laugh at the inappropriate, fucked up and vulgar jokes I whisper to them in public. I don’t want to be with just anyone. I want to meet the right person.
If you’re reading this and think it vaguely sounds like a person you might want to talk to, send a chat or message.
I do have to say, I am only looking for eople that live in San Diego, are close (2hr drive max) to san Diego or frequently visit san Diego. Yes, it’s a hard rule. Sorry.
My preferred Age range is roughly 32-45.
Lastly, after having gotten so many responses, here’s a list of things that are hard requirements in what I’m looking for:
Not religious and Doesn’t believe in psychics Or astrology.
Doesn’t want children (or at least doesn’t want more). I don’t hate kids. I just don’t want them. Your kids are your responsibility. But I am definitely not having them at my age.
Doesn’t have an std. it’s actually WILD to me that I have to say this. The amount of people that message and don’t lead with it… is shocking.
Doesn’t do hard drugs (weed is fine).
Admits they fart. Yes, I said it. If the subject of flatulence makes you uncomfortable, you’re far too uptight for me. I think it’s a great indicator of humor compatibility.
Isn’t a love bomber. If you don’t know what that means, it’s a person who tends to jump quickly into infatuation with a person without knowing much about them. They bomb you with affection. Unsustainable and inexplicable amounts of affection. If you read that description and thought “ugh . No “ then we’re probably like minded. If you read it and thought “but that sounds so nice” we’re definitely not compatible.
The only physical requirement I have is that you’re not obese.
I am physically most attracted to medium to dark skin with dark hair with almond shaped eyes, but honestly I am open to literally everyone.
As you can see above I’ve written quite a bit. I expect that if you reply, you’ll write quite a bit too. If you respond with less than a paragraph I’m going to ignore it. I have yet to come across a bot account or scammer that writes more than one sentence. So that’ll be my filter.

I’m sorry but what are you, 12? Especially when they’re around people and they just randomly force one out and start laughing at everyone’s reaction.
It’s so immature and frankly disgusting.

I have a 5 year old, 40 lb. Rescue mixed breed. She is an anxious dog, other known existing condition is asthma and she takes theophylline daily and a daily fiber supplement for anal glands. We also give her gabapentin for anxiety and she gets a monthly NextGuard and Heartguard.
Every few weeks, she has digestive episodes. They begin with loud stomach gurgling noises and her refusing food and daily medications. She will go outside and eat grass and let incredibly smelly farts and pass some incredibly smelly grass/diarrhea that is quite dark in color. It usually lasts for a day or two and then she will barf up yellow liquid and become suddenly hungry.
Her food is currently Red Ford Naturals kibble and I will say she’s done better on that than anything we’ve tried, including Hills Prescription sensitive stomach. She does not get treats for this reason. The ProPlan probiotics powder sachets seemed to make it worse. Stool samples didn’t find anything in terms of parasites or infection.
It does seem to happen in anxious moments (like when my husband is out of town), but it’s also happening now when he is here and nothing much has changed this week to stress her (that we are aware of). I started giving her gabapentin regularly just in case it was anxiety and thought that was helping but now I’m not sure. Smaller meals throughout the day seem to help.
I am sitting here smelling her and about to puke on the smell of her farts. She does wake me in the middle of the night asking to go out so she can eat grass/have diarrhea. What else can we look at with the vet?

Gus the donkey.
Adventurers often obtain donkeys to carry extra gear or loot. Strong and sturdy, these beasts of burden are also remarkably efficient, able to forage almost anywhere, and needing only straw or hay and a little grass now and then when on the farm or in town. These un-sung heroes need a little love. Here's a d100 list of Donkey Details (I suppose you could use most of these for mules, too):

1. Laughing Donkey. This donkey's hee-haw sounds remarkably similar to human laughter. Makes this particular sound only when PC's do something stupid or risky.
2. Scared of open fire -- torches, campfire, etc; runs away. Can tolerate lanterns (but kinda iffy).
3. Practical Joker Donkey. Takes one step to the side when anyone tries to load anything onto it and the loader is not looking.
4. Union Donkey. If ever loaded over 3/4 normal carrying capacity, goes on strike, will only walk in circles until it gets a long rest.
5. Back-Peddling Donkey. When spooked, always tries to back up 60 feet, no matter what's back there.
6. Depressed. Need to talk to it and pet it for 10 minutes after each long rest (and on cloudy days) to get it moving.
7. Battle Donkey. This one loves battle and always charges straight toward any battle noises it hears. No holding it back. Ooh-rah!
8. Passenger Donkey. Happy to carry riders (bareback, without a saddle), but doesn't want anything tied / cinched around it (will try to scrape items off against a tree, wall, the ground, etc.).
9. Allergies. Donkey has allergies in spring and fall. Sneezing fit 2-in-6 chance each hour. Drops stuff.
10. Lie-Detector Donkey. This donkey can sense when a humanoid is lying. Likely via some sort of pheromone cue (?). Farts if a lie is told within 10 feet of it.
11. Marathon Donkey. This donkey has incredible endurance and can travel twice as far between long rests.
12. Will carry sacks, corpses, or other floppy things, but not wooden boxes or other things with sharp edges.
13. Scared of crowds. Simply WILL NOT enter a village / town / city.
14. Has tapeworms, must feed twice the normal rations until diagnosed and healed. Poop can give tapeworms to any humanoid. Heads up.
15. Streetwise Donkey. Grew up in a city, pulling a delivery cart. Knows all the streets of the city, how to get anywhere. You tell it where you want to go, it will slowly, at a plodding pace, lead you there. It can't talk or understand any commands other than place names in that one city.
16. Vagabond Donkey. This donkey will occasionally wander away from the group and stay gone a few days, but then it always returns. Where does it go? Why? No one knows.
17. Mother-bucker. Will attempt to buck any female humanoid who attempts to ride.
18. Nauseated, 2-in-6 chance of throwing up in a big way every 10 minutes for a day
19. Scared of its own shadow. On sunny days, freaks out every now and then.
20. Large Donkey. This donkey is a freak of nature and is twice the normal size. It can carry four times the normal load and requires four times the normal feed/rations. It won't fit in most stable stalls, through most doorways, etc. Commoner strangers are usually freaked out by it; they are often intimidated by it (2-in-6 chance), or try to kill it (1-in-6 chance) because they think it is a bad omen, enchanted, cursed, undead, etc.
21. Stealthy Donkey. This donkey walks in a way that is completely silent, even on cobblestones, and shifts its weight as needed to eliminate the sounds of any clanking gear it carries. Instinctively hides itself behind/inside/undearound any available cover, at all. You turn around, there it suddenly is, looking at you in the eye. Can freak a dude out.
22. Loves butterflies. Chases every one it sees.
23. Counting Donkey. Point at a group of objects and say "Count." Donkey will tap its front right hoof a number of times equal to the number of objects in the group. Counts about one item per second. Can't spell worth a damn, though.
24. Aqua-donkey. This donkey loves playing in streams/rivers/ponds/rivers. Runs to them. Likes to splash everyone else. Thinks it's funny.
25. Catches a parasite disease and will die in 3 days unless healed
26. Chip-On-Shoulder Donkey. If there are other donkeys / horses around, hates them, always picking a fight.
27. Blessed Donkey. This donkey enters the scene carrying a religious messiah, or so they say.
28. Talking Donkey. Amazing! But, a bit finicky, only talks 1-in-4 times you ask it to, and at other random times as DM deems appropriate. Also, only knows a few words/phrases: yep, nope, hungry, tired, idiot, run away.
29. Hates the heat. Half movement and half carrying capacity on hot days > 80F. Needs double water rations.
30. Ate some weird mushrooms along the way. Temporarily blind for 1d4 days
31. Hates elves, they're too self-absorbed and snooty, always making you walk through trackless forests, getting you stuck in the underbrush.
32. Prudent Donkey. Has 1-in-6 chance of perceiving a trap within 30 feet. Will look at the trigger mechanism, hee-haw loudly, and not take a step toward it. No matter what.
33. Mystical Donkey. Has some kind of weird ancestral donkey mind-meld with a caster in the group, constantly complaining (mentally) that "this s**t is too heavy, dude," "can't you give a donkey a break?," "how about carrying some of this s**t yourself, tough guy," etc. You can't concentrate.
34. Lucky Donkey. When within 10 feet of this donkey, you can re-roll one roll per day.
35. Somehow, loves smelly green ogres who sing. Tries to run off with any such ogres encountered.
36. Hates humans, they make you work too hard, usually in larger towns or cities where the cobblestones hurt your feet.
37. Needs a bath, smells very bad. Indescribable, really. No surprising any foe while this donkey is around until it gets a bath.
38. Shy Donkey. Always tries to move behind you when you encounter anyone new.
39. Keen smell. Can smell most enemies within 100 feet and will hee-haw loudly to warn you. False alarm 1-in-4.
40. Sprint Donkey. This donkey can run at twice the normal movement rate, but only for one minute between long rests.
41. Drunk Donkey. Will only work when slightly inebriated. Must feed it a wee flask of ale, wine or whisky to get any work out of it.
42. Has one very short leg. Walks unevenly. Kinda funny, but only 1/2 normal movement rate.
43. Beautiful Donkey. This donkey is a very fine specimen of a donkey. Highly desired by donkey ranchers to breed other donkeys. Sells for double the normal price. Bit of a prima donna. Must be fed one apple or pear per day, or refuses to work. Resents you.
44. Hates the cold. Half movement and half carrying capacity on hot days < 50F. Needs double saddle blankets.
45. Sneaky. When you're not looking, has 1-in-2 chance each day of pick-pocketing something off the back of a random PC. Might drop it, might eat it, might fling it to the side of the road, might just hold it in it's mouth. Hard to say with donkeys.
46. Scared of snakes. Snake within 30' causes total donkey freak out.
47. Always tries to eat/gnaw whatever it is carrying (especially food) whenever you're not looking, ruins stuff.
48. Freaked out by undead. If it sees undead, or smells them (can smell 60' away), RUNS in the opposite direction.
49. Narcoleptic Donkey. Falls asleep, often.
50. Critic Donkey. When others aren't looking, looks at you and rolls its eyes. You swear.
51. Foraging Donkey. Grew up in the wild. If there is any vegetation around, at all, it can find it, find enough edible material for a meal, and feed itself, no rations required.
52. Shoe-Throwing Donkey. One-in-four chance of losing a horse shoe each day, won't walk until found or replaced.
53. Small Donkey. Can only carry half normal carrying capacity. But has a scrappy attitude and is NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING (immune to fear and intimidation).
54. Repressed anger. Tries to bite (for real) anyone within 5' who is not its owner (considers only one person its owner).
55. Back-Row Donkey. If there are multiple four-legged animals in the group, this one must be the last, in the back, or it won't go/work at all.
56. Vertigo Donkey. Always dizzy, walks in circles unless carefully guided constantly by hand.
57. Hates carts, wagons, etc. Will not pull a cart or other wheeled vehicle.
58. Wallowing Donkey. Enjoys a good roll in a mudhole/puddle. Every mudhole/puddle.
59. Deaf. You bought/raised a deaf donkey. Should have checked. Anyway, can't hear any commands. Won't respond to visual commands. Must touch the donkey to give it a command.
60. Musical Donkey. Gets indigestion often, becomes VERY flatulent.
61. Flying Donkey. This donkey has been magically enchanted to fly, only once in its life, for one minute. The wranglemaster must speak the command word: "Esel-burro"
62. Addle-Headed Donkey. Once per day, has a 1-in-4 chance of running in a random direction for 1 minute.
63. Hates the rain. Won't work in the rain. *OR* Hates the wind. Won't work in the wind.
64. Say-My-Name Donkey. You must call it by name to get it to do anything. It answers with a loud bray each time.
65. Hates dwarves, always making you work underground in the mines, and their beards are (somehow) scary.
66. Often gets a leg cramp, limping for 10 minutes, 1/4 movement rate.
67. Smoking habit. Will work only if you let it smoke lit cigarette or pipe while on duty.
68. Smart and independent. Anticipates and does exactly what you want 5-in-6 of the time, but disagrees and argues 1-in-6 of the time.
69. Lover Donkey. Wants to make baby donkeys, runs after opposite gender donkey (or horse) every time it gets the chance.
70. Has a drinking problem. Will always rush toward any water source to take a drink.
71. Is a hot head, always immediately charges and attacks any foe encountered. No holding him back.
72. Pregnant Donkey. This donkey is about to have a baby. 2-in-6 chance each day until baby is born.
73. Loves flowers. To eat. Will only do any work if given one bouquet to eat per day.
74. Pious. Has 1-in-6 chance each hour of stopping for 10 minutes, kneeling on front two legs, and praying to the donkey god "No Cargo Bob"
75. Death Wish Donkey. Is reckless, doesn't look where it's going, always running into things, chance of falling off cliffs, etc.
76. Dead pan smile. At the most dangerous / awkward moments, turns to a party member and gives the most ridiculous, hilarious donkey smile you have every seen. PC must make DC 10 Const saving throw or bust out laughing for 30 seconds.
77. Nervous Tick Donkey. This donkey kicks its left leg backwards randomly, every now and then. If anything/anyone is standing behind this donkey, there is a 1-in-6 chance that it kicks.
78. Cargo Donkey. Happy to carry items/supplies tied or cinched around it, but won't carry humanoid riders (bucks them off).
79. Homesick, always tries to run away and go back home (or to the place where you bought / found / raised him) every chance he gets
80. Perceptive Donkey. Has 1-in-6 chance of perceiving a secret door within 30 feet. Will walk up to it and put its nose on it.
81. Scared of water, won't cross a creek/rivepond/lake, etc. Definitely not getting on a boat.
82. Front-Row Donkey. If there are multiple four-legged animals in the group, this one must be the leader, in front, or it won't go/work at all.
83. Pacifist Donkey. Refuses to carry any weapons or ammo.
84. Glowing Donkey. This donkey glows faintly in the dark. Very dim light. No one knows why.
85. War Veteran Donkey. Missing one leg at the knee (maybe has peg leg). Opposite ear slashed off. Wears an eyepatch. Lots of scars. Can only carry half normal weight, but its kick does +2 damage.
86. Vagabond Donkey. This donkey will occasionally wander away from the group and stay gone a few days, but then it always returns. Where does it go? Why? No one knows.
87. Alert Donkey. This donkey has a 1-in-6 chance, on its own, independent of PC checks, of noticing an impending ambush. It will hee-haw loudly if an ambush is about to occur.
88. Ate some bad food / weeds, now has diarrhea, big diarrhea, 1-in-4 chance every hour for a day.
89. Expressive Donkey. Often has ideas and wants to share, "hee-haws" very loudly for 30 seconds. Sometimes indicates something important, sometimes not.
90. Large Donkey. This donkey is a freak of nature and is twice the normal size. It can carry four times the normal load and requires four times the normal feed/rations. It won't fit in most stable stalls, through most doorways, etc. Commoner strangers are usually freaked out by it; they are often intimidated by it (2-in-6 chance), or try to kill it (1-in-6 chance) because they think it is a bad omen, enchanted, cursed, undead, etc.
91. Hates halflings, their barn doors are too low and their generally cheery attitude is annoying.
92. Super-donkey. Can carry three times normal carrying capacity, but for only one-third the normal time between long rests.
93. Easily distracted by various things along the road ("Squirrel!"), constantly stopping to sniff / check out something.
94. Really thirsty today, requires twice the normal water ration for one day. Pees a lot. (I mean a lot.)
95. Wrong-way Donkey. Will only walk backwards. Half movement rate.
96. Ugly Donkey. This donkey is bow-legged, has a saggy back, missing teeth, ugly hair, warts, boils, is missing large patches of hair due to mange, somehow is always dirty, has flies, ticks, lice, etc. Nose usually runny. Eyes too. BUT, this donkey can Misty Step.
97. Shell-shocked Donkey. Scared of battle noises. Runs away from battle noises. Like, a quarter-mile away.
98. Hates strangers. When within 15 feet of an unknown/new humanoid, hee-haws loudly for 5 minutes. So embarrassing.
99. Picky eater, only eats store-bought straw/hay/whatever. Won't forage along the road/trail.
100. Loyal Donkey. Will not leave its humanoid wranglemaster unprotected. Will defend wranglemaster to the end. Will take an arrow or battle ax blow to defend wranglemaster. There to the end, no matter what.

https://professorbumblefingers.blogspot.com/
[edit: corrected a redundancy]

One of Temel’s bad habits was that every morning as soon as he woke up, he would let out a fart loud as thunder. His wife, Fadime, couldn’t stand this vulgarity and would often grumble, “Oh for goodness' sake, one of these mornings, may all your guts just fall into your drawers and see how you like it!”
Then, on the second morning of the Eid festival, while Fadime was in the kitchen sorting out the meat from the sacrifice and Temel was still asleep, she decided it was time to teach him a lesson. From the previous day’s sacrifice, she gathered the intestines of the slaughtered ram and stealthily stuffed them into Temel’s underwear.
When Temel woke up and, true to form, let out his customary mighty gust, he was horrified to find what seemed like all his guts in his drawers. Pale as a ghost and thinking his end had come, he staggered to the bathroom. After a long while, he came back to the kitchen, his face drained of color and sweat dripping down, and confessed to Fadime, “You were right, my love. When I farted, all my insides fell into my drawers!”
Fadime, trying to console him with a twinkle in her eye, said, “There, there, but I bet it hurt a lot when your guts came out, huh, Temel?”
To which Temel quickly replied, “Oh, it didn’t hurt coming out, but putting them back in nearly did me in!

Background: I’m F22, 5’11, down to 160lbs now (I’m usually around 250). I have some mental health issues, IBS, and significant life stressors at the moment (it’s improving slowly but surely). My GP has described my IBS as “poorly-controlled” meaning around exam time I NEED to be medicated, usually Amitriptyline 10mg, but it’s not always nice to me and can make me extremely constipated if I take it for too long consecutively (that’s how I feel after 3.5 years of taking it off & on).
Since the end of last year to about February, I thought my IBS was just out of control, I was constipated but throwing up 3-5 times a week, then the next week I’d be passing basically water, I was extremely nauseous ALL the time and just felt like a bag of crap. I would also occasionally have days where I just could not eat. I was definitely hungry, but nothing sounded or smelled appetizing, but the opposite.
In February, after a significant bout of constipation I realized this was probably more than IBS considering it had been 10+ weeks; I had gone off, on, and off my meds, I stopped going out as often to just chill at home and it seemed to get worse. At this point, I was lucky to eat a full plate of food once a week, I threw up almost daily (if I didn’t throw up I would just sit over the toilet for an hour questioning life), my stomach was LOUD with gas bubbles that I felt every movement of and anybody in the same room could audibly hear my stomach movements. I had a few instances of incontinence and basically would sit on the toilet to fart (every 5 mins) bc they felt so powerful.
Now, in May, I’m basically skin & bones I’m starving all the time but my body just won’t let me eat (if I can I’m nauseous and over it by the 4th bite). So I’ve been referred to a GI specialist for a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My preliminary abdominal ultrasound revealed: “Gallbladder is not distended however appears filled with numerous small gallstones. No evidence of cholecystitis. No biliary duct dilation. Multiple small gallstones, no evidence of cholecystitis. Spleen mildly enlarged.”
Given all my symptoms, my age, and the quality of life I haven’t had for the past 6 months: I want it out. I already have to worry about IBS flare-ups and what my body can tolerate me eating, I cannot base my life around another organ and making sure it’s happy. My IBS is unpredictable and allows me to live a normal life at times, but given the severity of these symptoms (assuming they’re because of the gallstones) I do not believe my gallbladder will be so kind and it feels like it’s at odds with my stomach most days. I’m not 100% sure if I qualify for a gallbladder removal given my age and that the gallstones technically aren’t causing problems yet, but I am not just gonna wait for them to cause me blinding pain and spend 2 days in the ER waiting for care while catching 5 other viral infections. To be completely honest, I am just unwilling to continue living my life like this, I have 3-4 chronic conditions at the moment that have no cure and I’m not gonna wait until this one takes over my life (even more than it already has) before I receive care.
What is the likelihood that my Dr will recommend a gallbladder removal? Is there a way I can voice these concerns in a professional, but convincing way? I want to be in charge of my care for once and decide what happens to my body especially when it controls my life. Thank you so much for reading all this and any advice you may have.

I went out on a date with a guy. That was one of the days in my life when I felt so beautiful - I had waxed, manicured, pedicured, spa, worn expensive and beautiful dress, shoes, make up. I practiced moving gracefully and confidently. But one time, while he's telling a story, I felt cramps and bloating in my stomach. I'm wishing that a fart won't come out. I can't focus on what he's telling me but I tried to remain composed and look interested. But a loud and long fart came out. He acted like he did not hear anything at all. He did not even stop telling his story. It's like nothing happened.
I was thinking, "Should I excuse myself or apologize?" But I did not. I acted like nothing happened.
Then we went on the next date after that. It was just the two of us. He farted with no sound but the smell was horrible!
Now, we are officially, exclusive and happily in a relationship. But until now we have never talked about the farts.
EDIT: nung nautot siya nang pagkabaho, hindi na ko nag komento. Kasi nung umutot nga ko hindi rin siya nagkomento eh. Afam nga pala yung jowa ko. Ang gwapo niya. Parang artista tapos ako medyo maganda lang. Hahahahaha

Let me tell you a few quick stories about Flora's farts.
That day, we'd eaten a lot of dairy products, and sometimes eggs, so I was likely to get a lot of farts from her. She'd worn a form-fitting gray nightie and no panties. The dress sometimes draped across the crack of her buttocks and it was very sexy.
We were sitting down to eat when she said to me with a rather ironic look sorry, but I have to fart. I hadn't even had time to reply before she had leaned over on her right side, lifting her left leg, resting it on the edge of the bed and she let out a long, loud, bubbly fart, which came out in 4 stages.
PPPPrrrrrrrrrrrt. BBBLLLRBBBBBLLLLLLLRRRRR BLLLLRRRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLR. BBLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRRPPPRPRPRRRRR
Followed by a sigh of relief. Then she looks at me and says: I think you're screwed tonight, with what's going on in my belly, the bombs are going to rain down.
A few minutes later it was the same, this time she just leaned forward, lifting her butt slightly and PRRRRRRRRRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRTTTTTT it was a long, very smelly fart, it smelled of rotten milk and eggs. She burst out laughing and said, ooooh sorry honey I didn't think it was going to be so long and stinky.
After those two farts, she got up to put the plates away in the kitchen. When she was standing barely in front of my face, she started to slowed down her walk and when her butt wasn't far from my face, she farted again. This time it was a very loud, but short, fart. Once again, she started laughing and said to me, you'll be served tonight, my darling.
Back from the kitchen, I could already hear her in the hallway dropping huge crates. In fact, the combination of milk and egg was giving her gas, but in very strong ways. So much so that sometimes she couldn't believe it.
That night, I heard her fart in all sorts of ways. Long ones, short ones, silent ones, fizzy ones, and in different positions. And to top it all off, she was going all out. She farted in my face, on my dick, in the sheets, etc....

I work in an office of cubicles. Everyone can hear everything. I have a coworker who rips ass all day long. I'm talking farts that are loud and juicy enough to make me question if he has actually shit himself. On a few occasions, I've seen him run to the bathroom immediately after. Most of the time, though, he doesn't say anything to acknowledge it. I find it incredibly gross and somewhat disrespectful. I have found myself having to work with him on a project recently, and on multiple occasions, he has let one loose while I'm in his cubicle directly behind him. I wish to express that I don't find that acceptable and don't want to be near him when he does this. It needs to be done in a way that when everyone hears what I say (because they will), it is work acceptable. For some additional context, I am newer to the office, but I am above him technically in position. He also seems to be mentally handicapped or autistic and I don't think he will handle any comments in a productive manner. Any advice is appreciated.

In six grade, I was going to outdoor ed. There were these kids in my group and the one two I’ll talk about are Brandon and Fernando. I don’t know much about Fernando but Brandon I knew the most, he liked playing soccer and his voice didn’t yet hit puberty. I was at the back of the group so I was seeing everything. They were both friends, but as day two arrived the last night we slept, for some reason they got in a fight. Brandon said he won’t beat his ass because then he’d be kicked out. At night we went inside of our cabin with a 3 bunk beds on each side of the room, Brandon would sleep across Fernando. All of us got in our pjs and had 20 minutes of chilling together. Brandon was trying to ignore Fernando. The cabin had no AC so it was hot and we only had a big loud fan that if turned on and sat down by itself, it would fall. It was hot in there “Imagine if I just farted in this room haha” Brandon said with an innocent voice. One of the school volunteers (one of the leaders in our group) said lights out. And would sleep in a different room having it just us. Brandon knew me and slept behind me “You up?” I would reply with a yeah, he told me that he will get his revenge now since he is asleep. Brandon quietly gets out of his bed and sneaks quietly to Fernando’s bunk (on the top) I pretended to sleep since I didn’t want to be a known part of this ‘revenge’ so I pretended to sleep and he looked at me and knew I was sleeping. I recorded the rest on my phone because I snook it in. Brandon was skilled at being sneaky because he was a little bit shorter and wants to be an athlete. Brandon gets to his bed, points his but a foot away from his face and farts once. “That should give him fresh air, damn it stinks” Brandon said. He starts walking to his bunk but noticed Fernando having no reaction and continued to sleep. Brandon had soft PJ pants, he hesitated but got back to Fernando’s bed and hesitated a bit more. Fernando was sleeping in a sleeping bag so he couldn’t get out easily and had his head on a pillow. Brandon squated a bit down above Fernando since the ceiling was near his head. Both of his hands grabbed one side of the pillow and pulled it up with Fernando’s head right to the face of his ass. Fernando’s face and Brandon’s ass made contact, Brandon had pulled the pillow so that Fernando’s nose would go a bit into Brandon’s ass and the only things preventing Fernando going completely deep in was Brandon’s soft pj pants. “Hey wtf are you doing” Fernando says right as he wakes up, “teaching you a lesson not to mess with me” Brandon pulled the pillow as hard as he could to his butt and let out his first long fart out of many more. I could tell from Brandon’s face that it felt satisfying. I couldn’t tell what Fernando was saying as I only heard muffles, our other group somehow didn’t get up as most of them are deep sleepers. I could hear another wet fart come out. I could not smell it yet, I think because Fernando’s mouth was open as Brandon kept saying “open wide or the next think you’ll have in you’re mouth is shit” i kept recording, I think Fernando suffered more that Brandon was not farting repeatedly because he would get used to the smell and possibly taste. “How does my ass smell? I just took a shit in the stall” Brandon said. I think what surprised me the most of things was both how they were friends and how Brandon was always the shy type unless playing soccer with his friends. He always would get embarrassed if he farted. Another fart gets released, this one lasted about 5 seconds. I started to get a mild smell, Brandon even mentioned it “Looks like my gas is escaping your mouth, all stored up? Too bad lol I may do this for a while” Brandon got tiered of pulling the pillow, his arms started hurting. So he removed the pillow and got on him, he grabbed his legs while he put his ass right on top of his mouth and nostrils. He farted again “oh that one actually stunk, sorry about that” you know it’s bad when the person doing this says it’s bad. He farts a few more times in a row juicy ones. Fernando was still muffled but I could actually hear his voice a bit this time, I could hear a slight “The rumble said grossed out” so Brandon’s ass was rumbling. But Fernando did not know what this next fart would be like, Brandon shoved his ass harder in his face and got one of his hands off of his legs and held his head to his ass. And a huge fart just came right out, if Fernando’s mouth was not blocking the fart from being released then we would have been dead for the night. I could hear the rumbling and intensity through Fernando’s mouth and Brandon viciously smiled and made a slight grunt. It started to stink in this cabin “finally my scent is getting somewhere, this smells so good.” That’s not the worst part yet, Brandon pulled down his pjs revealing his underwear, but he slightly pulled his underwear down revealing his butt (not the privates) so he proceeded to sit on his face and his next farts were more clear. Brandon got up “I need to take a shit” he left and came back afterwards and sat back on his face. I could smell the stink now. “I farted in youre water bottle by the way” he said while smiling as he sat back down. The sound of the farts were disgustingly soft. “I don’t know why people hate my farts, they smell delicious” Brandon finally stopped and got up and farted one last time in Fernando’s sleeping bag, “the smell will always be with you, and if you do this again, shit will be in your mouth” I know this sounds fake but this is real 100% I remember these lines because I recorded this and it happened three days ago, the video will never be shared for more private reasons. In the morning we got up to go to breakfast as it was the day we’d go home, the cabin stank and Brandon blamed Fernando and everyone believed him. Fernando came up to Brandon “I’m sorry okay?” He said, “it’s fine bro, I feel much better with my gas out but DO NOT tell anyone about what happened and you’ll never see me fart again unless you fuck up again” Brandon said in a surprisingly innocent voice. “You know, looking back they smelled good, the smell got to me and I liked it, are you the reason why the boys bathrooms smell like that?” Fernando said. “Maybe” Brandon said, “and hey, maybe come over to my house and we can have more fun with my gas” Brandon said something else but then whispered it to him but I sometimes can mouth read and what I got was “and with my farts, maybe you could eat my shit” and he laughs. He was probably joking but I don’t know, with how serious he was, that does not seem to far for him. And i was the only witness (aside from Fernando) of something that nobody will ever have gotten to see as I have the only recorded footage with good quality. The recording will never be shared so don’t ask for it I’m sure some of you understand why. But boys will be boys.

Here’s an old story from when I used to live in the dorms during my time in college. This happened about 5 years ago. This dorm has a full history of suicides and tragic events - so much so that the dorm windows are only allowed to open a little bit.
So I lived in a huge apartment in NYC with 3 big rooms. 3 in one, 3 in the second, and 2 in the third (my room). The rooms were really far apart and there were two bathrooms. One nice one, and the other bathroom with showers was like a jail (my bathroom).
So I lived there with a girl we will call T. Every night, T and I would have long conversations until the early morning. She was a bit insane and so was I at the time (i was 19 years old), and I was going through depression/mental issues. So that already makes this whole story dark.
During the times we all lived there, here are some things I personally encountered and some that were confirmed by others as well:
1) Lights turning on and off by themselves. One night I left the shower and I was the only one awake. I turned off the light, and immediately as I walked out I saw that light come right back on. It gave me the shivers but I didn’t suspect anything until the next few encounters..
2) Smell of sulfur appearing for 2 minutes and disappearing just as fast as it came. T and I were in the bedroom with the door locked and shut, no windows open only the air conditioner. I asked my roommate if she had farted and she said no did you? And as soon as we stopped talking about it, it left with no trace.
3) Hearing long, melodic whistling while I shower. It was not a drain because I’d been living there for 2 months and never heard a noise like that. It was melodic with a tune. I am very spiritual so this did not scare me that much but I felt uncomfortable so I left the shower.
4) Entire objects falling off of the bolted desks that they give you in dorms. One evening, my roommate and I were out of the bedroom (T was in the kitchen and I was in the bathroom) and heard a loud bang. When we walked in, EVERY FUCKING THING ON OUR DESKS WAS ON THE FLOOR. We had those tiered desks where there’s a base level, and shelves above it. T’s desk was against the wall of the outside of the building, and mine shared a wall with the other room. I asked the other girls if they were moving around and they were literally just there studying and relaxing. They said no, and also none of their stuff was moved. It wasn’t like just a few things fell off, EVERY SINGLE THING landed on the floor. Almost like something swiped everything off. A normal bang would probably cause just a few items to fall off, but EVERYTHING!?
I got uncomfortable with these experiences so I decided to place my solid gold crucifix charm (with depiction of Jesus) in the room. I also started praying at night. Nothing ever happened after that… but God I feel bad for anyone who stays in that room in the future.

Ok so i farted really loud today INFRONT of my frnds nd relatives. Like they all started staring at me. Im really embarrassed I need some motivation idk why I exist 😭😭😭😭😭

Went to an early showing of Kingdom of the Apes this afternoon. Guy a few seats down from me got a call 10-12 minutes into the movie, and he *answered* it and started chitchatting. I tried the passive aggressive approach first and leaned forward in my seat to give him the stinkeye but it didn't work. So I shout-whispered "Hey! Take it outside!" He gave me a surprised pikachu face, then yelled back "Fuck you!" but he did end the call.
Shortly thereafter, he fell asleep and began to lightly snore. Every once in a while, he'd give a loud snort and wake himself up. I don't know how he managed to sleep with all the racket going on on-screen - screeches, screams, shouts, loud bangs, rousing music - but he did. Then he started farting - little, soft toots - singly or in a string of several. That was my last straw. I moved several rows away and enjoyed my movie.
Some people ought not to go out into polite society.
In case you're wondering. I enjoyed the movie, but it could (and should) have been much better. The cinematography and scenery were outstanding, as well as the CGI, but the story was trite and tired, full of Hollywood tropes we've seen hundreds of times. It did nothing to further or enrich the story of the evolution of the planet of the apes.