Schizoaffective disorder and adderall use
Peer Support: A Safe Space
2008.10.27 00:46 Peer Support: A Safe Space
We are a haven for people with Bipolar Disorder (including Cyclothymia and Schizoaffective Disorder) and those on their journey towards a diagnosis to discuss Bipolar-related issues; a community, not just a help page. Be a part of something that cares about who you are.
2014.09.26 00:38 cvcisme Binge Eating Disorder
A supportive group for those who struggle with Binge Eating Disorder and compulsive overeating.
2011.04.10 13:06 sekh60 A subreddit for those interested in schizoaffective disorder.
Schizoaffective disorder is a chronic condition that affects approximately .3% of the American population. We often experience psychosis and mood instability. Symptoms can happen independently or overlap. To fight the isolation, fear, and confusion around this condition, we created a place for schizoaffective individuals, caregivers for schizoaffective individuals, and those curious about schizoaffective disorder. This is a place without judgement where one can vent, discuss symptoms, look for
2024.04.28 23:30 Qayjay13 Should I give up on life?
This is the first time in a while where im opening up again. Im not expecting anyone to take the time to read all of this since its so long but yea ……………I’m 17 years old going 18 this year and have had clinical depression for about 3 years now. I know 3 years isn’t that much for alot of people who have suffered way worse and longer….. I forgot when it really started somewhere in the beginning of 2020 i cant really remember. I started wanting to skip school. I slept super late cuz I couldn’t ever fall asleep even if i was tired(i still do currently but more cuz my sleep schedules fucked). I fell asleep in class alot and i wasnt doing that great in school. I kept wanting to skip school till the point where i just dropped out. I was probably about 14 then and i was really cringey doing all those depressive posts on my second account on social media. Idk why perhaps i just wanted attention or something. After i dropped out my parents got me to visit psychiatrist and psychologists. When i was first diagnosed, i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder or whatever i think. Soon after i stopped going to therapy as well because i felt it was useless and wasn’t helping. Till now i only occasionally visit the psychiatrist just to collect medicine which idk why i take cuz it doesnt seem to make much of a difference…..I think about a year later i got back into a different school but again I just felt so much stress and pressure on simple stuff. I always thought it would be so much easier if i became that kid who the teachers gave up on and the kids who just dont turn in homework and failed for a whole year and failed every class, but i could never do that for some reason. I always ended up spending hours into the night to finish homework so i didnt feel stressed the next day knowing teachers would show disappointment in me. I was repeating a year and after i finished that grade i left school once again….. Im now currently pursuing football which i have been for most of my teen years. Its been the only thing in my life that I have a passion in. It was the one thing i told myself to live for and maybe why i didnt kill myself earlier. Yet football brings me so much stress and I always feel like im not good enough. I told myself that i need to make it big in football or i have nothing else in life and will probably kill myself. Im either gonna be one of the best or im just nothing. …just a month ago was training in a foreign country, Spain, with an academy of the second division professional team which obviously is a really good opportunity. However idk if its because im training at a higher level, with people older than me or its the type of training for my position(goalkeeper) but it seems like im getting worse in certain parts of my game….Anyways i also am not enjoying anything in life anymore. Im definitely not as pathetic as i was before 3 years ago where i just realised how weird i was when dealing with my mental health. I used to open up to people at any chance i got or made sad posts as i said earlier on social media but ive stopped all of that recently since ive realised how cringey it would be if i did.
submitted by Qayjay13 to u/Qayjay13 [link] [comments]
2024.04.28 23:26 Outrageous_Fail_1735 Sky 🤢👩🏻🦽➡️🪳
she must have some kind of learning problem/ mental health disorder if she thinks staying with him is ok after knowing everything that happened/witnessing things behind the scenes. I bet she is still trying so hard because Apollo still posts abrie on everything 🤣. let’s face it. He might be playing nice with you, because you happen to still be there for his rebound. Your nothing to him besides a couple $s. Your not even an actual SW atp your a prostitute who instead of getting paid in crack, gets paid in cheap mall clothes and energy drinks. he took you shopping? With your 4 items. lmao. that’s how much you deserve to be paid? If you like that and the conditions you live under atm, shows just how you think of yourself as. a toilet everyone uses. 🫡💁🏻♀️
submitted by Outrageous_Fail_1735 to Apollostonenarc [link] [comments]
2024.04.28 23:26 Indominus_Red What Are Your Theories On How This Election Year Will Turn Out?
My theories on how #Election2024 will play out and what needs to change to avoid it.
To start, I'll state I'm an independent. I believe in tax the rich, raise the minimum wage to $15 hourly for all businesses except family owned ones, combat price gouging (like at dollar tree), close the borders, getting China, Russia, Hamas, and Israel under control, LGBT rights but they must have their own leagues separate from men and women, natural gas, solar power, burning all garbage, phasing out single use plastic, cleaning the oceans, legalizing marijuana and shrooms, concealed carry in all states, stand your ground in all states, property defense in all states, timely death penalties for people who are without a doubt guilty, sentencing to hard labor, early abortion for all women, late abortion for fetus who are deformed, mutated, have a life impacting disorder or disease, paying degenerate women to get permanent sterilization, low cost or free health care depending on income, public executions for heinous criminals where all who wish can participate, death rings (where people can legally fight to the death instead of shooting on the streets), population control, the right for citizens to use lethal force against thieves/robbers/vandals/thugs/hoodrats/anarchist, freedom of expression, freedom of choice, freedom of speech, factory farms must all have fresh air blowing through and animals are not tethered or confided, and religion will not have an impact on government choices.
The final one is what really this post is about. Trump will lose this election because Republicans use their personal beliefs to control the choices for everyone. While Democrats tell everyone what they want to hear but can't keep their full word to anyone.
The alternative parties have shown that they change the courses of these elections by stealing enough votes to make it difficult or better for someone else. A majority of people know Biden has been a nightmare and gives the country a bad image. But Trump and other Republicans try to force their views on people so strongly that they come off as oppressive, demeaning, and uncaring for views that match their own. Trumps only chance at winning is to ease up on the abortion restrictions, and I recommend his supporters send this post to him.
Biden is such a bad candidate that there is nothing he can do or say will anyone other than the far left pick him again.
submitted by Indominus_Red to PoliticalOpinions [link] [comments]
To start, I'll state I'm an independent. I believe in tax the rich, raise the minimum wage to $15 hourly for all businesses except family owned ones, combat price gouging (like at dollar tree), close the borders, getting China, Russia, Hamas, and Israel under control, LGBT rights but they must have their own leagues separate from men and women, natural gas, solar power, burning all garbage, phasing out single use plastic, cleaning the oceans, legalizing marijuana and shrooms, concealed carry in all states, stand your ground in all states, property defense in all states, timely death penalties for people who are without a doubt guilty, sentencing to hard labor, early abortion for all women, late abortion for fetus who are deformed, mutated, have a life impacting disorder or disease, paying degenerate women to get permanent sterilization, low cost or free health care depending on income, public executions for heinous criminals where all who wish can participate, death rings (where people can legally fight to the death instead of shooting on the streets), population control, the right for citizens to use lethal force against thieves/robbers/vandals/thugs/hoodrats/anarchist, freedom of expression, freedom of choice, freedom of speech, factory farms must all have fresh air blowing through and animals are not tethered or confided, and religion will not have an impact on government choices.
The final one is what really this post is about. Trump will lose this election because Republicans use their personal beliefs to control the choices for everyone. While Democrats tell everyone what they want to hear but can't keep their full word to anyone.
The alternative parties have shown that they change the courses of these elections by stealing enough votes to make it difficult or better for someone else. A majority of people know Biden has been a nightmare and gives the country a bad image. But Trump and other Republicans try to force their views on people so strongly that they come off as oppressive, demeaning, and uncaring for views that match their own. Trumps only chance at winning is to ease up on the abortion restrictions, and I recommend his supporters send this post to him.
Biden is such a bad candidate that there is nothing he can do or say will anyone other than the far left pick him again.
2024.04.28 23:13 Responsible_Tip_7602 FRQ 1 Help
I did NOT cook
Poem: “To Paint a Water Lily” (Ted Hughes) Prompt: Read the following poem carefully. Then write an essay discussing how the poet uses literary techniques to reveal the speaker’s attitudes toward nature and the artist’s task.
To Paint a Water Lily
A green level of lily leaves
Roofs the pond's chamber and paves
The flies' furious arena: study
These, the two minds of this lady.
First observe the air's dragonfly
That eats meat, that bullets by
Or stands in space to take aim;
Others as dangerous comb the hum
Under the trees. There are battle-shouts
And death-cries everywhere hereabouts
But inaudible, so the eyes praise
To see the colours of these flies
Rainbow their arcs, spark, or settle
Cooling like beads of molten metal
Through the spectrum. Think what worse
is the pond-bed's matter of course;
Prehistoric bedragoned times
Crawl that darkness with Latin names,
Have evolved no improvements there,
Jaws for heads, the set stare,
Ignorant of age as of hour—
Now paint the long-necked lily-flower
Which, deep in both worlds, can be still
As a painting, trembling hardly at all
Though the dragonfly alight,
Whatever horror nudge her root.
In Ted Hughes' "To Paint a Water Lily," the author employs juxtaposition of the chaotic environment surrounding the still and resilient water lily, as well as a uniform couplet structure to demonstrate the author's fascination and admiring attitude towards nature and the artist's task to portray to complexity and cohesiveness of the described environment.
The auditory imagery of clashing sounds of insect screams and chirps juxtaposed to the still and calm water lily, unaffected by the cacophony surrounding it, demonstrates the speaker's admiration in the complexity of nature. Firstly, the narrator depicts the environment as tumultuous, with insects constantly in competition and battling for their own survival, demonstrated in the quotes "the air's dragonfly that (...) bullets by" (lines 5-6) and the "battle-shouts / And death-cries" (lines 9-10). The use of plosives, diction in "bullets by,"(line 6) and the imperfect rhyme in "take aim"(line 7) emphasizes the idea of the chaotic activity constantly occurring between the insects that is masked by the serenity of the water lily. The vast difference yet close proximity of the insects' ruckus and the indifference of the lily speaks to the speaker's view of the complexity; how violent and bloody battles are masked by sheer beauty. He sees nature as a complex yet cohesive structure, how nature is both serene and idle, yet is filled with horrors if one admires it closely. The shift, marked by the caesura, further proves his deep admiration as the passage shifts from describing an incredibly dynamic image of bugs battling and bulleting, to the artist carefully painting the resilient lily that stays still despite its environment. The narrator's address also switches, from a third person limited perspective describing the lily and its habitat to directly addressing the artist. The artist's task is to depict the complexity of the environment, inhabited by clashing characters that live in close proximity.
The use of couplets along with imperfect rhyme in the poem also demonstrates the cohesiveness of the natural environment the lily resides in. The consistent structure of couplets along with the enjambment throughout the majority of the poem demonstrate how despite the chaotic environment and the still painting being vastly different on the surface level, there are still many parallels in the two. The imperfect rhyme used during the author's recount further emphasizes the seemingly uniform, yet complex characteristic of nature. Although the poem seems to be uniform in terms of structure, the imperfect rhyme adds to the degree of the author's attitude. The imperfect rhyme used to describe the tumult caused by the insects evokes a sense of disorder and chaos in the consistent stanzas, which reflects how the lilies, seemingly still and serene, covers the violence and struggles that the flies and dragonflies constantly experience. The enjambment also builds upon the complexity, as the rhythm of the poem is consistent and speaks to the parallels between the painting and nature, both masked with a surface level beauty but have deeper connotations and events that are present. The artist has the challenge of trying to encapsulate the complex image, masked by a seemingly basic plant, and has to try and depict clashing characteristics in the serene appearance and chaotic reality of nature.
The complexity yet cohesiveness of nature, described by the narrator, depicts the serenity and sheer wonder of the water lily, still amidst the chaos. The constant flow of the poem along with the juxtaposition between peace and chaos creates a task for the artist; to successfully depict both the surface beauty and the violent and cacophonous sides of nature. The author uses a uniform structure in stanzas, yet an imperfect rhyme scheme to portray the varying degrees of nature's characteristics, and how most overlook one of the two ends of the spectrum.
submitted by Responsible_Tip_7602 to APLit [link] [comments]
Poem: “To Paint a Water Lily” (Ted Hughes) Prompt: Read the following poem carefully. Then write an essay discussing how the poet uses literary techniques to reveal the speaker’s attitudes toward nature and the artist’s task.
To Paint a Water Lily
A green level of lily leaves
Roofs the pond's chamber and paves
The flies' furious arena: study
These, the two minds of this lady.
First observe the air's dragonfly
That eats meat, that bullets by
Or stands in space to take aim;
Others as dangerous comb the hum
Under the trees. There are battle-shouts
And death-cries everywhere hereabouts
But inaudible, so the eyes praise
To see the colours of these flies
Rainbow their arcs, spark, or settle
Cooling like beads of molten metal
Through the spectrum. Think what worse
is the pond-bed's matter of course;
Prehistoric bedragoned times
Crawl that darkness with Latin names,
Have evolved no improvements there,
Jaws for heads, the set stare,
Ignorant of age as of hour—
Now paint the long-necked lily-flower
Which, deep in both worlds, can be still
As a painting, trembling hardly at all
Though the dragonfly alight,
Whatever horror nudge her root.
In Ted Hughes' "To Paint a Water Lily," the author employs juxtaposition of the chaotic environment surrounding the still and resilient water lily, as well as a uniform couplet structure to demonstrate the author's fascination and admiring attitude towards nature and the artist's task to portray to complexity and cohesiveness of the described environment.
The auditory imagery of clashing sounds of insect screams and chirps juxtaposed to the still and calm water lily, unaffected by the cacophony surrounding it, demonstrates the speaker's admiration in the complexity of nature. Firstly, the narrator depicts the environment as tumultuous, with insects constantly in competition and battling for their own survival, demonstrated in the quotes "the air's dragonfly that (...) bullets by" (lines 5-6) and the "battle-shouts / And death-cries" (lines 9-10). The use of plosives, diction in "bullets by,"(line 6) and the imperfect rhyme in "take aim"(line 7) emphasizes the idea of the chaotic activity constantly occurring between the insects that is masked by the serenity of the water lily. The vast difference yet close proximity of the insects' ruckus and the indifference of the lily speaks to the speaker's view of the complexity; how violent and bloody battles are masked by sheer beauty. He sees nature as a complex yet cohesive structure, how nature is both serene and idle, yet is filled with horrors if one admires it closely. The shift, marked by the caesura, further proves his deep admiration as the passage shifts from describing an incredibly dynamic image of bugs battling and bulleting, to the artist carefully painting the resilient lily that stays still despite its environment. The narrator's address also switches, from a third person limited perspective describing the lily and its habitat to directly addressing the artist. The artist's task is to depict the complexity of the environment, inhabited by clashing characters that live in close proximity.
The use of couplets along with imperfect rhyme in the poem also demonstrates the cohesiveness of the natural environment the lily resides in. The consistent structure of couplets along with the enjambment throughout the majority of the poem demonstrate how despite the chaotic environment and the still painting being vastly different on the surface level, there are still many parallels in the two. The imperfect rhyme used during the author's recount further emphasizes the seemingly uniform, yet complex characteristic of nature. Although the poem seems to be uniform in terms of structure, the imperfect rhyme adds to the degree of the author's attitude. The imperfect rhyme used to describe the tumult caused by the insects evokes a sense of disorder and chaos in the consistent stanzas, which reflects how the lilies, seemingly still and serene, covers the violence and struggles that the flies and dragonflies constantly experience. The enjambment also builds upon the complexity, as the rhythm of the poem is consistent and speaks to the parallels between the painting and nature, both masked with a surface level beauty but have deeper connotations and events that are present. The artist has the challenge of trying to encapsulate the complex image, masked by a seemingly basic plant, and has to try and depict clashing characteristics in the serene appearance and chaotic reality of nature.
The complexity yet cohesiveness of nature, described by the narrator, depicts the serenity and sheer wonder of the water lily, still amidst the chaos. The constant flow of the poem along with the juxtaposition between peace and chaos creates a task for the artist; to successfully depict both the surface beauty and the violent and cacophonous sides of nature. The author uses a uniform structure in stanzas, yet an imperfect rhyme scheme to portray the varying degrees of nature's characteristics, and how most overlook one of the two ends of the spectrum.
2024.04.28 23:02 sanantoniothrowaway4 I [M26] think I have acute Cholinergic Urticaria/Prickly Heat and it's been getting A LOT worse to the point that it's debilitating and I can't go outside to do the things I love
I [M26], have suddenly been getting terribly itchy all over my body whenever I start getting hot (mainly during mild-moderate exercise, even including doing chores/cleaning/etc.). I don't have any official diagnoses, but from what I've researched, it seems to align mostly with cholinergic uticaria/miliaria. I don't really notice any physical/visual symptoms (bumps/rashes); there may be some mild redness, but it may just be from me scratching there. But the one thing that's not making sense is that it's coming out of no where/hasn't happened to me before.
The first time in my life I noticed this was last year when I was thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail. In the beginning of the days when I would start hiking, I'd get itchy all over, but it would eventually subside within a half-hour or so, and it mostly went away after a month or so. After I finished the trail, it was fall/winter, and I would occasionally still get the itching whenever I'm inside being active/doing chores, but it wasn't that severe.
But its been getting WAY worse. Maybe it's due to warmer weather (I live in PA, USA). But its never been nearly this bad before. Whenever I get even remotely warm, I get intensely prickly/itchy all over.
This is probably unrelated, but I did (maybe still do) have some sort of fungal skin condition. It was slightly dark pigmentation in my groin region, but it's entirely asymptomatic. It's come and gone over the past years but it was never enough for me to go get it looked at.
M26, ~160 lbs, 5'8", Caucasian, NKA, 30mg Adderall/day (prescribed for ADHD), and occasional Kratom. Taking anti-histamines (pills/creams) may or may not help (I'm not really sure), but its still not enough for me to actually go outside and exercise/do the things I want to do. I used to play baseball with friends every week, but now I have to stay home because it would be unbearable.
submitted by sanantoniothrowaway4 to DermatologyQuestions [link] [comments]
The first time in my life I noticed this was last year when I was thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail. In the beginning of the days when I would start hiking, I'd get itchy all over, but it would eventually subside within a half-hour or so, and it mostly went away after a month or so. After I finished the trail, it was fall/winter, and I would occasionally still get the itching whenever I'm inside being active/doing chores, but it wasn't that severe.
But its been getting WAY worse. Maybe it's due to warmer weather (I live in PA, USA). But its never been nearly this bad before. Whenever I get even remotely warm, I get intensely prickly/itchy all over.
This is probably unrelated, but I did (maybe still do) have some sort of fungal skin condition. It was slightly dark pigmentation in my groin region, but it's entirely asymptomatic. It's come and gone over the past years but it was never enough for me to go get it looked at.
M26, ~160 lbs, 5'8", Caucasian, NKA, 30mg Adderall/day (prescribed for ADHD), and occasional Kratom. Taking anti-histamines (pills/creams) may or may not help (I'm not really sure), but its still not enough for me to actually go outside and exercise/do the things I want to do. I used to play baseball with friends every week, but now I have to stay home because it would be unbearable.
2024.04.28 23:00 yellowumbrella Daylight Savings Affects Mental Health: Study
 | submitted by yellowumbrella to HealthyZapper [link] [comments] https://preview.redd.it/lptnch3f47k61.jpg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fbb8e0cb7caafcec48a19bbc6fb432481f0618fa It's well known that exposure to natural light affects mood, and that shortened days (whether we're shortchanged naturally by the change the season or manually by the shift from Daylight Saving Time) can make people feel blue. But a new study suggests just how much sunlight really matters to our emotional and mental health. Their findings? A whole lot--more than any other weather phenomenon, to be exact. "That's one of the surprising pieces of our research," Mark Beecher, PhD, clinical professor of psychology at Brigham Young University, said in a press release. "On a rainy day, or a more polluted day, people assume that they'd have more distress. But we didn't see that. " To study the link between weather and depression diagnoses, Beecher and his co-authors looked at self-reported mental-health data from more than 16,000 students who, over a six-year period, attended free sessions at BYU's Counseling and Psychological Services Center. Students are required to complete questionnaires assessing the state of their mental health before every single visit, which proved immensely valuable to this research. Those questionnaires were then matched with precise weather data, also collected by BYU, down to the minute in the exact area where those students lived. (Names and identifying information for the students was stripped from the analysis. ) "We looked at solar irradiance, or the amount of sunlight that actually hits the ground," Beecher said. "We tried to take into account cloudy days, rainy days, pollution. . . but they washed out. The one thing that was really significant was the amount of time between sunrise and sunset. " In total, the study examined 19 environmental factors, including dew point, cloud cover, rainfall, wind chill, wind speed, barometric pressure, temperature, lunar day, and several measures of air quality. None of these factors were significantly associated with higher levels of emotional distress, however, as long as a given day had adequate sunlight. As the total sun time decreased seasonally, however, distress levels rose. This applied to all of the students who sought counseling during the study period, the authors note, not just those diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. (Most students reported attending sessions for issues related to adjustment, anxiety, or general depression. ) Therapists should be aware that winter months will be a time of high demand for their services, say the study authors, as people may be more vulnerable to emotional distress than at other times of the year. "These findings suggest the need for institutions and public health entities to plan for intervention and prevention resources and strategies during periods of reduced sun time," they wrote. The study, which was published in the , started with a casual conversation between Beecher and BYU physics professor Lawrence Rees, PhD. "So one day it was kind of stormy, and I asked Mark if he sees more clients on these days," said Rees. "He said he's not sure, it's kind of an open question. It's hard to get accurate data. " Rees realized that he had access to weather readings in the Provo, Utah area, and Beecher had access to emotional health data for students at the university. They added in pollution counts from the EPA, and looped in statistics professor Dennis Eggett, PhD, to combine and analyze the data. Provo has some of the highest air-pollution levels in the country--especially in the winter, due to an inversion effect caused by nearby mountains. The authors acknowledge that poor air-quality levels could have affected seasonal depression rates, and say that their study should be replicated in different climates. Additional research is also needed, they say, to explore factors related to sunlight exposure such as vitamin D intake, amount of time spent outdoors and in nature, and tanning-booth use. The news isn't all bad for the coming months, though. "One way to interpret the finding that the other weather and pollution variables did not have a significant impact on mental health is that people and clients are resilient and adaptive," the authors wrote. "Although it is often assumed that outside elements can greatly affect mood or affect, these results present the possibility that more credit needs to be given to people's ability to cope and adapt. " In other words, those early sunsets will still be a bummer--but at least we don't have to worry so much about the rain. |
2024.04.28 23:00 honeysprimkles my boyfriend is a system, what's the best way for me to be supportive and show that I'm trying to understand?
hello!! my boyfriend recently realized he was a system with the help of his therapist. for frame of reference, i am autistic and have a processing disorder, so i get easily attached to schedules and repeating cycles or behaviors. Me and my boyfriend call for hours at a time, and i get used to his behaviors and speaking patterns and such, but then he sometimes switches to a different alter and his behaviors change, and it really stresses me out, sometimes to the point of tears. I love him dearly, but im too afraid of tell him when it upsets me due to the fear of offending him or upsetting him. I want him to know that im trying to get used to it and understand, but im struggling. Does anyone have any suggestions?
submitted by honeysprimkles to DID [link] [comments]
2024.04.28 22:57 bbyginsburg Starting My Journey And Having A Certified Bad Time, Looking For Camaraderie and/or Reassurance
I'm really just looking to get some support from the community because I just feel so lost and ready to give up trying to treat ADHD and just go back to living with it.
I (29, female) diagnosed in January with a combined presentation. I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis (chronic autoimmune disorder), CPTSD, depression, anxiety, and insomnia so they said I should get those things under control and get re-tested in 5 years, but I was still good to go on starting ADHD therapy/medication.
After jumping through the hoops of the US medical system, their distrust of patients, and the general hesitation in prescribing stimulants, I started stimulants four months after diagnosis. I was SO excited because I've heard success stories and I was ready for my own.
I started with Adderall with no effect, so switched to Concerta a little over a week ago (lowest dose). At first, it was AMAZING, and I really was thinking, "WOW, so this is what it's like to be able to use my brain. It sure is nice that this is solved now."
Now I'm feeling angry (not triggered by anything), anxious, sexual dysfunction, and extreme sadness (like just crying for no reason?). And that is triggering depression (womp womp).
What can I do? I have my next appointment in 2 weeks but idk if I can continue this. I'll call my doctor when their office opens tomorrow, but I'm kinda scared for tonight (not scared of hurting myself or anything; I'm not in danger in any way, btw) because it gets so much worse at night. Is there anything to be done in the meantime?
I'm doom-spiraling, thinking that it's not worth the trouble, and no one else I know with ADHD has had such a hard time as this, so I feel alone and like it won't ever work out.
submitted by bbyginsburg to ADHD [link] [comments]
I (29, female) diagnosed in January with a combined presentation. I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis (chronic autoimmune disorder), CPTSD, depression, anxiety, and insomnia so they said I should get those things under control and get re-tested in 5 years, but I was still good to go on starting ADHD therapy/medication.
After jumping through the hoops of the US medical system, their distrust of patients, and the general hesitation in prescribing stimulants, I started stimulants four months after diagnosis. I was SO excited because I've heard success stories and I was ready for my own.
I started with Adderall with no effect, so switched to Concerta a little over a week ago (lowest dose). At first, it was AMAZING, and I really was thinking, "WOW, so this is what it's like to be able to use my brain. It sure is nice that this is solved now."
Now I'm feeling angry (not triggered by anything), anxious, sexual dysfunction, and extreme sadness (like just crying for no reason?). And that is triggering depression (womp womp).
What can I do? I have my next appointment in 2 weeks but idk if I can continue this. I'll call my doctor when their office opens tomorrow, but I'm kinda scared for tonight (not scared of hurting myself or anything; I'm not in danger in any way, btw) because it gets so much worse at night. Is there anything to be done in the meantime?
I'm doom-spiraling, thinking that it's not worth the trouble, and no one else I know with ADHD has had such a hard time as this, so I feel alone and like it won't ever work out.
2024.04.28 22:56 chronicallymissydg Will Lamictal be the addition I need to feel better?
Hi everyone. I've (25f) just started Lamictal (I also already take Seroquel and Venlafaxine) for my schizoaffective disorder. My most troubling symptoms are disorganized and racing thoughts with irritability when hypomanic. To the point where I can't get out of bed cuz I can't even think straight to get myself to shower or take care of myself. When I'm depressive I'm glued to my bed and sleep for 14-16hrs a day, no motivation to the point where I will hold my pee til I almost pee myself on accident. So basically I'm not functioning. I constantly feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Can Lamictal be the addition to my regimen that fixes things for me? I'd not, and you were like this, how did you get yourself help and what did you do? Im on week number 2 and im just needing some support while i wait to get to my theraputic dose. TIA
submitted by chronicallymissydg to schizoaffective [link] [comments]
2024.04.28 22:55 chronicallymissydg Can being Schizoaffective & taking Lamictal going to fix my problems?
Hi everyone. I've (25f) just started Lamictal (I also already take Seroquel and Venlafaxine) for my schizoaffective disorder. My most troubling symptoms are disorganized and racing thoughts with irritability when hypomanic. To the point where I can't get out of bed cuz I can't even think straight to get myself to shower or take care of myself. When I'm depressive I'm glued to my bed and sleep for 14-16hrs a day, no motivation to the point where I will hold my pee til I almost pee myself on accident. So basically I'm not functioning. I constantly feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Can Lamictal be the addition to my regimen that fixes things for me? I'd not, and you were like this, how did you get yourself help and what did you do? Im on week number 2 and im just needing some support while i wait to get to my theraputic dose. TIA
submitted by chronicallymissydg to mentalhealth [link] [comments]
2024.04.28 22:45 Bright-Hat-6405 little miss social anxiety visits the doctor
 | I have a lot to unpack. Hoping the MODs check me and keep me as level as possible here. submitted by Bright-Hat-6405 to jaclynhillsnark [link] [comments] Jaclyn posted this video and deleted it pretty quickly. Unfortunately for her, the general population is quicker on their toes and the internet is forever. We all react in different ways to stress. On a firsthand account, I know what it’s like to suffer from a disorder and behave in a way that totally juxtaposes that disorder. I know we can overcompensate to try and prove ourselves. As someone who has diagnosed social anxiety and struggles with it every day, it really pisses me off when we Jaclyn uses that particular mental illness as an excuse/cover up whenever she does shitty things. On top of that, she’s talked about her fear of being put to sleep for surgery, needles, doctors offices in general… This entire video is a perfect example of how her claims of one mental illness totally contradict another. The idea of her getting any sort of correction done to her nose could be seen as embarrassing.. but she’s back in CA now. Now, it’s expected if not required. Before deleting, she could have potentially appealed to her 4 followers in LA. So, that’s not the biggest shock here. Jaclyn’s demeanor and behavior is what continues to be her downfall. While she touts phobia after phobia… in this video, while she’s receiving the injections she’s anything but afraid. She’s completely comfortable, euphoric even! Not only is she completely comfortable being recorded, she’s conversing and smiling while being filled on up. This position here, up on the examination table, really bothers me for some reason! My mom retired as an RN. When she came home from work, I always liked to ask her about the highlights of her day. The highlights were never the mishaps or diagnosises, but the PATIENTS. I can just see my mom walking into the room with a woman on the examination table curled up like this, with a friend there recording the whole thing… Jaclyn, if it’s within you to feel any sort of embarrassment, I’m hoping you felt it after deleting this video. Her mannerisms are that of a child and or attention seeking adult. Idk what it is, this gave me the ICK. Maybe others can give me some insight lol Mark my words, her final venture before her complete collapse will be a MLM. |
2024.04.28 22:45 GivePies High IQ downsides
The downsides of high IQ for me with a IQ I estimate in the genius range. *(145)* As a 15 year old.
Imposter Syndrome: Not as much of a problem as other on the list. I tend to critique myself, everyone has unique talents, u cannot be the best at everything higher IQ individual's tend to set standards for themselves. if they're usually accustomed to learning something first try or outcompeting everyone else with minimal effort.
Existential crisis: We often inquire, such as what's the meaning of existence and very deeply too, while everyone else's content and happy mindlessly rambling we tend to be alienated by the majority of society due to our mind's this can even lead to depression and anxiety.
Impatience with other's: We almost forget what interests us due to other's stupidity and lack of overall ability. Our lives tend to be exceptionally dull. We tend to crave intellectual stimulation and when that does not come by we tend to lose interest and have a low patience threshold
Hypersensitivity: I think IQ has a correlation with sensitivity, although not always the case. We tend to be hyper stimulated and easily distracted due to our mind's going at light speed and constantly thinking of possibilities. This can lead to symptoms of bipolar and panic disorder.
Not using full potential: We always think "Why aren't we doing better" Because we know we can accomplish great things, even change the world or fields of study I think is the most defining trait of geniuses.
So now you know that having a high IQ may be nice because you have better odds, we get to live longer, get more advanced jobs, get advanced classes. But I would say it's disadvantages outweigh it's benefits.
submitted by GivePies to mensa [link] [comments]
Imposter Syndrome: Not as much of a problem as other on the list. I tend to critique myself, everyone has unique talents, u cannot be the best at everything higher IQ individual's tend to set standards for themselves. if they're usually accustomed to learning something first try or outcompeting everyone else with minimal effort.
Existential crisis: We often inquire, such as what's the meaning of existence and very deeply too, while everyone else's content and happy mindlessly rambling we tend to be alienated by the majority of society due to our mind's this can even lead to depression and anxiety.
Impatience with other's: We almost forget what interests us due to other's stupidity and lack of overall ability. Our lives tend to be exceptionally dull. We tend to crave intellectual stimulation and when that does not come by we tend to lose interest and have a low patience threshold
Hypersensitivity: I think IQ has a correlation with sensitivity, although not always the case. We tend to be hyper stimulated and easily distracted due to our mind's going at light speed and constantly thinking of possibilities. This can lead to symptoms of bipolar and panic disorder.
Not using full potential: We always think "Why aren't we doing better" Because we know we can accomplish great things, even change the world or fields of study I think is the most defining trait of geniuses.
So now you know that having a high IQ may be nice because you have better odds, we get to live longer, get more advanced jobs, get advanced classes. But I would say it's disadvantages outweigh it's benefits.
2024.04.28 22:33 BAC05 Medication and OCD. Curious to see if people have had luck managing their OCD without the use of SSRI or other drugs after recently coming off of them from being diagnosed I’m hesitant to go back on.
I had a mental breakdown after coming off of SSRI’s for 20 years after initially being diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.
It first came on as depression after trying to find answers to an existential religious question.
This led to an appointment with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD. Amongst the obsession of existential questions, I have also had a lifelong fear of not being in control which has prevented me from getting promotions and jobs as I will not fly and not enjoying time with my daughters as I am afraid to get on Rides.
The question I have is has anybody had luck at managing their OCD without the use of SSRI‘s or is it best just that I get on them for now to work out my Issues?
submitted by BAC05 to OCD [link] [comments]
It first came on as depression after trying to find answers to an existential religious question.
This led to an appointment with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD. Amongst the obsession of existential questions, I have also had a lifelong fear of not being in control which has prevented me from getting promotions and jobs as I will not fly and not enjoying time with my daughters as I am afraid to get on Rides.
The question I have is has anybody had luck at managing their OCD without the use of SSRI‘s or is it best just that I get on them for now to work out my Issues?
2024.04.28 22:30 Usual_Platypus_6745 Struggling to get over it. Feeling stressed and tired.
I (38m) lost my wife to suicide on September 14, 2023. The last thing she said to me is that she loves me and that she was heading in to work. It was the same conversation we had every morning. She left and I tried to go back to sleep but had to go to the bathroom. When I did, I saw blue lights everywhere outside. I immediately ran out to see what was happening but she was already gone. She had called the police and told them to hurry and get her out of here before I woke up and found her. She didn't want me to see her like that. She didn't leave a note, but the last thing she did is text my brother. She sent "Hey, man. Please take care of your brother for me. He's going through a hard time right now."
I know she loved me. I know she wants me to be okay. She struggled with depression, PTSD, bipolar disorder and probably some other issues. She was abused by her family. The only person she never said a bad word about was her grandmother. Her mom used to torment her. She'd try to cut off all her hair. She often told her that if she got out of bed at night that demons would come carry her off to hell. That caused even more issues because instead of getting up to go to the bathroom after dark, well, you know. Her sister hurt her. Her father cut the brakes in her car (her mom also drove the car, and my wife told me she thinks he was trying to get rid of her mom, rather than her.)
When I was around her family I was always kind and respectful. That's how I was raised and my mom would haunt me to beat my ass if I was disrespectful. The very first time I met her family I knew something was off. My wife kept her eyes down and wouldn't move or speak. It took a while but I eventually realiDd that they're very... Strange people. My wife told me a few times that "mom is the poster child for psychological medication." That is clear to me now. Mental illness runs deep in the family and she inherited some and developed other stuff because of how she was treated. She also lost her first husband in an accident. Her second husband cheated on her. She had a hard life.
I miss her every day. I feel so overwhelmed by grief, guilt, stress and sadness. I have so many questions that will never be answered. For a while I kept asking myself what I could have done. If I could have stopped her somehow, or said or done some in a different way. That maybe she'd still be here if I had woken up earlier that morning.
I attend therapy. I struggle with depression sometimes myself, but I take medication also. I am pretty sure I'll be going to my therapist for the rest of my life at this point. She helps sometimes. I can honestly say that without her and a friend or two I probably would have followed her example and taken my own life too. I got a puppy to help with loneliness. She does, and I have to be here to care for her. I'd say that has been the biggest help. Still, I can't get over it. People say it gets easier. I guess it does. I admit I've had some good days here and there, but she's always on my mind in everything I do. I feel guilty if I laugh, smile, or enjoy anything. I wish she were here to enjoy those things too. We did everything together. Now I have no one.
When this happened, get family were very cruel towards me. Most of them never knew me. We never met. My wife didn't want us to meet because of how she said they are. She didn't invite any of them to our wedding. She didn't even want them to know where we lived. They weren't allowed to be alone with my stepchildren because of their abuse. The only person she wanted to be there was her best friend, who is the only person in her life who has been kind to me. She told me that if my wife hasn't met me, she'd probably have committed suicide sooner. That helps but it hurts too. My wife is both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Losing my mom was hard but I took care of her during her hospice care. I knew she would pass soon. With my wife it was so unexpected and I wasn't given an option to be a part of that choice. Losing my best friend is the hardest.
She had two daughters who she loved. I'm no longer allowed to see them. The only reason why is because of how her ex is, or perhaps their grandparents. I reached out to them when this happened and they were rude. I wasn't allowed to speak to my stepchildren. They asked things of me but refused to be civil or kind. My pain and grief didn't matter.
I arranged the funeral but the only people who came were my family and friends, my wife's best friend and her father and his wife. That man was kind to me. So was his wife. He told me he didn't believe anything anyone was saying about me. He said he knows his his ex and the family are. There was a whole smear campaign on social media. I get that they were grieving too, and sometimes people project their failures into others to avoid feeling guilty. It got so bad I reached out to a lawyer to file cease and desist charges. Her mother told me after the funeral that "they" wouldn't let her come and took her car away from her. The woman is in her 60s, so I call bs.
Anyway... I blocked all of them on social media and blocked their phones. Recently I've gotten friend request from people I don't know who go to a church that her ex's parents and her daughters go to. She never mentioned these people and I don't know why they are trying to send friend requests. Honestly I don't want to know. I want to be left alone by all these people, because I want to heal. I need some peace and I rarely have it. I know I can't have it if people keep harassing me. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want to be left alone? I have since gotten rid of all social media. The way I see it, everyone has a chance to be kind, civil and mature, but they chose to be hateful, rude and selfish instead. I love my wife still. In my mind I'm still married. I still wear my ring. I built a shrine for her. I'd trade my life for hers but I can't. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the wrong thing. I honored my wife's wishes. She wanted to be cremated. She didn't want to be buried with these people. Her mom and sister both became very toxic because my wife didn't leave then anything. She didn't want them to have anything. They demanded her jewelry, and she didn't have much. Her mother demanded her computer and her ashes. I had intended to split the cremains. That felt right. I tried so hard to please everyone until they started to harass me. My MIL sent so far as to tell everyone in her Facebook that I was just refusing to go get my wife's remains. I kept her informed every time there was a new development, and because of the cause of death, I wasn't involved in anything related to the transport of my wife's body because it was investigated. She told people I wouldn't let her see her own daughter, but I called and gave permission to the appropriate people so that she could go view the body if she wished to. She didn't go. The woman is insane, narcissistic and loves to be the center of attention. Anyway...
People I never even heard of hated me, said awful things about me. It hurt, man. So at that point I said I'll do the best I can to honor my wife the best way I know how, and I handled it all by myself. I was hardly able to grieve for the first two weeks because I was busy making arrangements and trying to stop the harassment.
Sorry it's so long. I guess I just wanted to talk about it. I had to get it out. I feel a little better now, but I will always, always love and miss my wife. She is everything. I guess I just need to know it's okay to cut all of these people off and get away from them all.
Thanks for reading.
submitted by Usual_Platypus_6745 to widowers [link] [comments]
I know she loved me. I know she wants me to be okay. She struggled with depression, PTSD, bipolar disorder and probably some other issues. She was abused by her family. The only person she never said a bad word about was her grandmother. Her mom used to torment her. She'd try to cut off all her hair. She often told her that if she got out of bed at night that demons would come carry her off to hell. That caused even more issues because instead of getting up to go to the bathroom after dark, well, you know. Her sister hurt her. Her father cut the brakes in her car (her mom also drove the car, and my wife told me she thinks he was trying to get rid of her mom, rather than her.)
When I was around her family I was always kind and respectful. That's how I was raised and my mom would haunt me to beat my ass if I was disrespectful. The very first time I met her family I knew something was off. My wife kept her eyes down and wouldn't move or speak. It took a while but I eventually realiDd that they're very... Strange people. My wife told me a few times that "mom is the poster child for psychological medication." That is clear to me now. Mental illness runs deep in the family and she inherited some and developed other stuff because of how she was treated. She also lost her first husband in an accident. Her second husband cheated on her. She had a hard life.
I miss her every day. I feel so overwhelmed by grief, guilt, stress and sadness. I have so many questions that will never be answered. For a while I kept asking myself what I could have done. If I could have stopped her somehow, or said or done some in a different way. That maybe she'd still be here if I had woken up earlier that morning.
I attend therapy. I struggle with depression sometimes myself, but I take medication also. I am pretty sure I'll be going to my therapist for the rest of my life at this point. She helps sometimes. I can honestly say that without her and a friend or two I probably would have followed her example and taken my own life too. I got a puppy to help with loneliness. She does, and I have to be here to care for her. I'd say that has been the biggest help. Still, I can't get over it. People say it gets easier. I guess it does. I admit I've had some good days here and there, but she's always on my mind in everything I do. I feel guilty if I laugh, smile, or enjoy anything. I wish she were here to enjoy those things too. We did everything together. Now I have no one.
When this happened, get family were very cruel towards me. Most of them never knew me. We never met. My wife didn't want us to meet because of how she said they are. She didn't invite any of them to our wedding. She didn't even want them to know where we lived. They weren't allowed to be alone with my stepchildren because of their abuse. The only person she wanted to be there was her best friend, who is the only person in her life who has been kind to me. She told me that if my wife hasn't met me, she'd probably have committed suicide sooner. That helps but it hurts too. My wife is both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Losing my mom was hard but I took care of her during her hospice care. I knew she would pass soon. With my wife it was so unexpected and I wasn't given an option to be a part of that choice. Losing my best friend is the hardest.
She had two daughters who she loved. I'm no longer allowed to see them. The only reason why is because of how her ex is, or perhaps their grandparents. I reached out to them when this happened and they were rude. I wasn't allowed to speak to my stepchildren. They asked things of me but refused to be civil or kind. My pain and grief didn't matter.
I arranged the funeral but the only people who came were my family and friends, my wife's best friend and her father and his wife. That man was kind to me. So was his wife. He told me he didn't believe anything anyone was saying about me. He said he knows his his ex and the family are. There was a whole smear campaign on social media. I get that they were grieving too, and sometimes people project their failures into others to avoid feeling guilty. It got so bad I reached out to a lawyer to file cease and desist charges. Her mother told me after the funeral that "they" wouldn't let her come and took her car away from her. The woman is in her 60s, so I call bs.
Anyway... I blocked all of them on social media and blocked their phones. Recently I've gotten friend request from people I don't know who go to a church that her ex's parents and her daughters go to. She never mentioned these people and I don't know why they are trying to send friend requests. Honestly I don't want to know. I want to be left alone by all these people, because I want to heal. I need some peace and I rarely have it. I know I can't have it if people keep harassing me. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want to be left alone? I have since gotten rid of all social media. The way I see it, everyone has a chance to be kind, civil and mature, but they chose to be hateful, rude and selfish instead. I love my wife still. In my mind I'm still married. I still wear my ring. I built a shrine for her. I'd trade my life for hers but I can't. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the wrong thing. I honored my wife's wishes. She wanted to be cremated. She didn't want to be buried with these people. Her mom and sister both became very toxic because my wife didn't leave then anything. She didn't want them to have anything. They demanded her jewelry, and she didn't have much. Her mother demanded her computer and her ashes. I had intended to split the cremains. That felt right. I tried so hard to please everyone until they started to harass me. My MIL sent so far as to tell everyone in her Facebook that I was just refusing to go get my wife's remains. I kept her informed every time there was a new development, and because of the cause of death, I wasn't involved in anything related to the transport of my wife's body because it was investigated. She told people I wouldn't let her see her own daughter, but I called and gave permission to the appropriate people so that she could go view the body if she wished to. She didn't go. The woman is insane, narcissistic and loves to be the center of attention. Anyway...
People I never even heard of hated me, said awful things about me. It hurt, man. So at that point I said I'll do the best I can to honor my wife the best way I know how, and I handled it all by myself. I was hardly able to grieve for the first two weeks because I was busy making arrangements and trying to stop the harassment.
Sorry it's so long. I guess I just wanted to talk about it. I had to get it out. I feel a little better now, but I will always, always love and miss my wife. She is everything. I guess I just need to know it's okay to cut all of these people off and get away from them all.
Thanks for reading.
2024.04.28 22:11 GrapplingHooks_ Comfort in headphones / IEMs
Just a bit of a ramble with my thoughts on the importance of comfort in headphones and IEMs.
To preface this: my academic background isn't in audio necessarily, but in psychoacoustics and neuroscientific research pertaining to the auditory system, language processing, and other domains of sensory perception. I am, admittedly, rather new to the research side of things, but I'll be reflecting on what I've learned in the time since I've entered this field.
A topic that frequently comes up between myself and other colleagues/associates/my supervisor is the role of comfort of the listener when performing any sort of research. Listener comfort, in this case, reflects the domains of emotional comfort (whether the participant comfortable in their environment, how well the researchers interact with and respond to participant questions and guide them through the process to reduce anxiety, accommodation of participant needs, etc.), auditory comfort (certain frequencies when exposed to for long periods of time - particular with research on binaural beat hallucinations - can be rather uncomfortable to listen to), and tactile comfort (how comfortable the participant finds the headphone or earphone that we're using, to a lesser extent other environmental variables such as temperature and seating).
There appears to be a general consensus amongst those in the field that I've interacted with that, when comfort is achieved in all these domains, we can generally get more reliable readings on the direct effects that an auditory stimulus has on an individual (both from objective measurements and subjective/reported measurements). This is particularly the case when working with participants with sensory sensitivites (particularly hyperacusis as a trait in autistic individuals and people with high levels of anxiety). That is to say, people become more sensitive to noises or are more likely to perceive noises as harsh when they are uncomfortable. Particularly when multiple modalities of sensory discomfort overlap, as seen in autistic individuals with high sensitivity towards tactile, olfactory, auditory, visual, and internal/emotional stimuli, these effects can generally be taken as stronger.
I've been looking into what literature exists on listener perceptions of sound quality that take these factors into account. Ideally, if the stimulus can be standardized (using the same audio file on the same headphone or earphone while adjusting clamping force on a headphone, using a variety of ear molds or sizes of foam tips, etc.) then this could be tested further. Sadly, I've not been able to find any hard data with this particular methodology. Due to that, my following take is conjecture/anecdotal.
I have a general idea of the tuning I enjoy in earphones, but I find myself consistently finding earphones and headphones more enjoyable to listen to if I enjoy their comfort more. When I equalize the headphone or earphone to a particular curve, if I find the headphone or earphone already comfortable then I will find the sound more pleasant to listen to as opposed to another, less comfortable headphone or IEM equalized to the same curve. This part is a bit hard to control for, as I'm going off measurements others have done, so I can't account for unit variance. Thus, this is rather unscientific, but I do find it personally meaningful.
It's possible that my own personal factors come into play, as an individual diagnosed with autism and an anxiety disorder, I'm likely more sensitive to the perceived changes in the harshness of sound than the neurotypical population.
I remember listener's blog post from last year that touched on this subject: https://headphones.com/blogs/features/the-case-for-comfort-why-sound-quality-isnt-everything
In my personal opinion, I do think oftentimes comfort can have an equal or even greater effect on appraisal of sound quality in an individual up to a certain point (this point being auditory comfort, such as sharp peaks in any particular resonance that an individual would find uncomfortable based on the properties of their head and ears).
As of late, I find audio-related decisions I make to be ruled by comfort and practical considerations over other factors. As an example, in a choice between the Truthear Nova and the TinHifi T3 Plus equalized to Harman IE 2019v2, I found myself preferring the latter significantly despite a sharp peak around 12.5 kilohertz that I wasn't able to EQ out. In short, I perceived to have "better sound quality". I have to conclude, at least for myself, that tactile comfort is a much greater consideration than ideal audio performance and reproduction capabilities in a headphone or earphone.
This observation extends beyond just the tactile sensation of the earphone or headphone, however. I noticed an overall greater appraised perception of sound quality depending on the lumbar support of the chair I was using, how high the fans were turned up in my room and how many (my environment is hot or humid, I have two fans and noticed that I would enjoy the same song on the same set of headphones more when both fans were on at max speed), and of course at the end of the day when I've had an overall pleasant day versus when my day was unpleasant.
I believe there may also be a converse effect (better sound quality may have a positive impact on listener enjoyment and thus make them pay less attention to other factors). However, at least in myself when accounting for my particular neurological needs, I find the effect of tactile comfort on perceived sound quality to be far greater than the effect of sound quality on perceived tactile comfort.
To reiterate, my own appraisals are entirely anecdotal and I can only apply them to myself insofar as how I make decisions about how to enjoy music, but I did think it was an interesting subject to approach. In this hobby (audiophilia), where the chase for "superior sound quality" seems to be unending, it may be possible that the final 10% that many listeners are searching for lies in factors outside of the audio reproduction capabilities of their equipment.
(For fun, I added a little poll to see what others on this subreddit think.)
View Poll
submitted by GrapplingHooks_ to oratory1990 [link] [comments]
To preface this: my academic background isn't in audio necessarily, but in psychoacoustics and neuroscientific research pertaining to the auditory system, language processing, and other domains of sensory perception. I am, admittedly, rather new to the research side of things, but I'll be reflecting on what I've learned in the time since I've entered this field.
A topic that frequently comes up between myself and other colleagues/associates/my supervisor is the role of comfort of the listener when performing any sort of research. Listener comfort, in this case, reflects the domains of emotional comfort (whether the participant comfortable in their environment, how well the researchers interact with and respond to participant questions and guide them through the process to reduce anxiety, accommodation of participant needs, etc.), auditory comfort (certain frequencies when exposed to for long periods of time - particular with research on binaural beat hallucinations - can be rather uncomfortable to listen to), and tactile comfort (how comfortable the participant finds the headphone or earphone that we're using, to a lesser extent other environmental variables such as temperature and seating).
There appears to be a general consensus amongst those in the field that I've interacted with that, when comfort is achieved in all these domains, we can generally get more reliable readings on the direct effects that an auditory stimulus has on an individual (both from objective measurements and subjective/reported measurements). This is particularly the case when working with participants with sensory sensitivites (particularly hyperacusis as a trait in autistic individuals and people with high levels of anxiety). That is to say, people become more sensitive to noises or are more likely to perceive noises as harsh when they are uncomfortable. Particularly when multiple modalities of sensory discomfort overlap, as seen in autistic individuals with high sensitivity towards tactile, olfactory, auditory, visual, and internal/emotional stimuli, these effects can generally be taken as stronger.
I've been looking into what literature exists on listener perceptions of sound quality that take these factors into account. Ideally, if the stimulus can be standardized (using the same audio file on the same headphone or earphone while adjusting clamping force on a headphone, using a variety of ear molds or sizes of foam tips, etc.) then this could be tested further. Sadly, I've not been able to find any hard data with this particular methodology. Due to that, my following take is conjecture/anecdotal.
I have a general idea of the tuning I enjoy in earphones, but I find myself consistently finding earphones and headphones more enjoyable to listen to if I enjoy their comfort more. When I equalize the headphone or earphone to a particular curve, if I find the headphone or earphone already comfortable then I will find the sound more pleasant to listen to as opposed to another, less comfortable headphone or IEM equalized to the same curve. This part is a bit hard to control for, as I'm going off measurements others have done, so I can't account for unit variance. Thus, this is rather unscientific, but I do find it personally meaningful.
It's possible that my own personal factors come into play, as an individual diagnosed with autism and an anxiety disorder, I'm likely more sensitive to the perceived changes in the harshness of sound than the neurotypical population.
I remember listener's blog post from last year that touched on this subject: https://headphones.com/blogs/features/the-case-for-comfort-why-sound-quality-isnt-everything
In my personal opinion, I do think oftentimes comfort can have an equal or even greater effect on appraisal of sound quality in an individual up to a certain point (this point being auditory comfort, such as sharp peaks in any particular resonance that an individual would find uncomfortable based on the properties of their head and ears).
As of late, I find audio-related decisions I make to be ruled by comfort and practical considerations over other factors. As an example, in a choice between the Truthear Nova and the TinHifi T3 Plus equalized to Harman IE 2019v2, I found myself preferring the latter significantly despite a sharp peak around 12.5 kilohertz that I wasn't able to EQ out. In short, I perceived to have "better sound quality". I have to conclude, at least for myself, that tactile comfort is a much greater consideration than ideal audio performance and reproduction capabilities in a headphone or earphone.
This observation extends beyond just the tactile sensation of the earphone or headphone, however. I noticed an overall greater appraised perception of sound quality depending on the lumbar support of the chair I was using, how high the fans were turned up in my room and how many (my environment is hot or humid, I have two fans and noticed that I would enjoy the same song on the same set of headphones more when both fans were on at max speed), and of course at the end of the day when I've had an overall pleasant day versus when my day was unpleasant.
I believe there may also be a converse effect (better sound quality may have a positive impact on listener enjoyment and thus make them pay less attention to other factors). However, at least in myself when accounting for my particular neurological needs, I find the effect of tactile comfort on perceived sound quality to be far greater than the effect of sound quality on perceived tactile comfort.
To reiterate, my own appraisals are entirely anecdotal and I can only apply them to myself insofar as how I make decisions about how to enjoy music, but I did think it was an interesting subject to approach. In this hobby (audiophilia), where the chase for "superior sound quality" seems to be unending, it may be possible that the final 10% that many listeners are searching for lies in factors outside of the audio reproduction capabilities of their equipment.
(For fun, I added a little poll to see what others on this subreddit think.)
View Poll
2024.04.28 22:08 Oni_Lyn AITA for planning to cut off my family?
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this and quite honestly I never really planned to post it online as I felt lile it would be a move seen as to just gain sympathy but now I'm at a loss and thought I'd give it a shot. I apologize if there's some rambling I'm not quite sure of what I'm doing here. Fair warning abuse and some sh will be mentioned.
I am 16f currently almost 17 and have not had a good home or family connection since I was 10. My bio dad (I think hes 36\37?m) was never really around as well as an addict (He claims to be sober though I dont quite believe that). There is also belief of abuse when I was with him though it isn't and most likely will never be confirmed. I do have many memories that I can remember vividly of times I was with him despite being between 6 and 8 at the time. He officially left on my 10th birthday by sending me an email apologizing and I didnt hear from him again for 6 years and its been on and off texting, he has been to jail multiple times throughout the last almost year weve been in contact.
Past that after he left my mother (34f) and step dad (36m. I think) became my only parents. Despite having my stepfather there my whole life I did consider him as a dad but he wasnt my actual dad my mom was my mom. She became my only 'parent' and I clung onto her. Around this time I also had a baby brother (6m now) my mom and step dads kid and a 10f now sister my dads and one of his ex girlfriends daughter. This is kind of important to note that I love my sibling and family and would never purposefully physically hurt them or hurt them in general.
Fast forward to christmas of the year I turned ten, I had sadly fallen into the wormhole that Im sure many others fell into of being groomed by men. Sending things and being taken advantage of. On christmas eve my step father found out and hell broke loose. I can admit my fault now but back then I didnt understand the length of how bad it was what I had done and had been doing, my mother held me that night as I cried and had my first panic attack. This was the beginning of our downfall though.
My mother and step dad had completely lost trust in me (which is fair) but we just couldnt seem to get along. Sure we could act fine and everything but now the cops were in our lives and I ended up moving away from home from this incident and in with my nana, as my reaction was to shut down while my mother yelled and cried trying to speak with me but I refused. My mother then grabbed a bag packed it and told me to get in the car dropping me off in another town at my nanas. This was early January around the beginning of covid I believe.
Me and my mother were low contact and I quite honestly missed her but at the same time I was happy where I was. One day in March I came home from school to see my mother in the house, she was bringing me back to live with her. I can't remember why so suddenly but I did end up moving back and she switched me to a catholic school (we were online because of COVID at this time).
During my time back I began to date my now ex girlfriend but she is now one of my biggest supports as she knows most of this as she witnessed some. Not in person but through video calls or just regilar calls that I dont believe my family were aware of.
My parents put child locks and time locks on my computer, and I wasnt allowed to have a phone (again fair) but with me being the child I was I wanted to socialize so I would play games like Among us or go into chat rooms that my parents would block and I would get in trouble. I rember about a certain one that they got mad at me for using my step dad months later during an argument yelled at me 'That one site you used just got shut down for trafficking' I was around 12 or 13 at this time and wasnt fully understanding of the length and what that meant. I just know his anger scared me.
I wont give the fully backstory but some incidents were as goes:
We came home from a drive one night and I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I was 13 at this time. My step dad came into the room pissed off and I sat up confused and simple asked 'What?'. He got mad and half yelled 'Don't fcking what me' then he continued to take eveything out of my room. Dumped all my clothes into a pile on the floor an drilled two pieces of wood onto the top and bottom of my closet doors so I could no longer open it as well as changed the door handle so that they could lock me in my room (which they did). During this I was standing in the corner scared and crying and he came got all up in my face and said 'Are you fcking scared now l?' Then proceeded to oush my head back then slap me. Afterwards I was locked in my room with a mattress, blanket, pillows and a pile of my clothing. I believe I was in there for a week though Im not sure. During that time they would open the door and ask if I needed to pee or shower, I always reufsed unless I absolutely did have to go because I just didnt want to move. They would at lunch and dinner bring in a plate with food and a cup or bottle of something to drink. I rarely actually ate it and slowly the food turned into bits of food and saltine crackers. I have now learned that according to my mother my step dad told her that I was being violent and getting all up in his face and that he was scared of me. She has also said that they did this because they were scared I was going to hurt or k*ll myself. Which at this point in time I had never done, attempted or really even thought about. Also, on the first night I dont know if more happened but I woke up in darkness to my step dad laying with me and hugging me as well as apologizing, I was scared and didnt know (and still don't know) what to make of it so I pretended to sleep. After awhile he left.
We were arguing basically everyday, which they would always start and I either wouldnt feed into it or would try to end it which only added fuel to the fire.
Many of these arguments led to me running out of the house and coming back late or not at all.
When I was 14 my school counseler noticed I seemed off I guess and I broke and told her. Then CAS came into my life. Long story short they did nothing and saw nothing wrong (my parents never admitted to anything and ir was a childs word against two adults) while only adding onto the tense atmosphere I called home.
Finally in fall of 2021. I left home for the last time. I love to paint and I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time when my step dad came in and turned the light on (I had a simple lamp on my desk) he then noticed green paint on my floor. He immediatly got mad and told me to clean it to which I said I would. He left for about 5 minutes and I hadnt cleaned it yet having been in the middle of something when he asked. This started an argument and escalated to him screaming at me then grabbing my arm and pulling me into the hallway. I began to scream back and he was taking my wallet and other things using the excuse 'You didnt buy them. They're not yours' my mother was trying to get us both to stop but it ended with my dad opening and unlocking the front door telling me to leave and the door was open so I did. Cops were called that night and I moved in with my grandmother. I lived with her for about 3 weeks and the whole time my mother argued and tried to manipulate me into coming back.
Me, my mother and grandma had made a deal because I didnt feel safe in the house or comftorable that I would come home every Tuesday and Thursday. I stayed there Tuesday and on Wednesday after school went to a friends. My mother tried to get me home claiming the deal had never been made and called the cops on me. They showed up at my friends house and brought me back to my grandmothers where we explained the deal. I called my friend and her mom and began to apologize and not even 5 minutes into it my papa came into the apartment and screamed at me. My mother had apparently called him and said she never wanted to see him, my grandmother or me again and that my stuff would be on the side of the road if I wanted it.
Wuth everything going on I am sad to say this was my first ever time attempting to take my life that night. I went to psych ward for two weeks and moved in with my nana and papa afterwards.
The relationship with my mother and step dad is beyond strained as they both wont admit of the things that went on and since I got my doagnosises (Borderline personality disorder among other things) my mother has now began to blame my bast actions on it saying things like 'it all makes sense now'. Neither of them will apologize and they expect me to apologize. My relationship with my nana and papa is also strained the only person in my family I get along with is my cousin (19m) and my grandmother (84f).
Since turning 15 I gave struggled greatly with depression, suicidal thoughts and worst of all self harm. I have attempted many times and everytime my family only shows annoyance and disappointment only making me go deeper into this spiral.
Since turning 16 I have been kicked out of my nana and papas 3 times. First because they learned I smoke weed and got mad saying they didnt want someone like that in their house as well as I was just like my dad (my father is a drug addict and quite frankly I am terrified of anything other than weed). Second time they somehow got it into their heads that I was using substances other than weed. Third time was because we were arguing and my papa grabbed me to which I started yelling at him to never do that and he immediatly claimed he didnt do anything. I told him to f himself and my nana told me to get out.
Because of all this I havent had a stable place im years. I ended up moving to British Columbia for 4 months and living with my dead best friends family (rest in peace my love💜) where I got amazing support and do plan to live back there once I am 18. Sadly I moved back in with my nana and papa (thin thin line of me staying for good as the toxicity of this household has only grown since I left those months ago). The night before I moved back I had a breakdown and messaged my mother that I need her among other things. The next day while I was at the airport she responded and we blew up into a fight because she didnt give me time to explain what my plan was. All I had said was that I wasnt sure if I was moving back in with my nana and papa and she told me just dont and to stop using them. This escalated to where she blocked both me and her father. My papa. This was in February.
Since she blocked me I have talked to multiple friends and even just had time to reflect and realize that when I say I want my mom. I really want the mom I thought I had back but shes gone and we cannot seem to reach an impasse. Family is one of the most important things to me and it breaks my heart that I cannot be there for my younger brother. I accepted that I will most likely once I'm 18 offically just cut them off and leave this toxicity that I am in.
My family members always push me to apologize and fix my relationship with my mother and step dad.
Last weei my mother reached out again and seemed fine. We talked for a few days until she said 'Well I've heard a lot about new stuff but not past stuff' to which I asled what she meaned and she said 'An apology'. I just got upset and hung up. I know I do owe some apologies and I have aplogized for things like the past mistakes and some arguments but they want me to apologize for everything, even the things they twisted into being my fault which weren't. I refuse to apologize and they refuse to acknlowedge it. I don't know and can't think of what she wants me to apologize for that she was meaning in that phone call but its most likely something she just wants to pin on me. She refuses to acknowledge or belive that my step father ever hit me claiming that at the time 'I was crazy and she can't be sure'. These are statements and things that I won't forget and will most likely never forgive even if I do get the appropriate apologies.
I feel like I am doing the right thing by staying low contact then just cutting them off when I am 18 at this point. Though I am not sure as my nana and papa and others are making me second guess it through guilt tripping or manipulating me. I am well aware of what they are doing and if I could make myself stop believing them and feeling this way I would but they are my family and I really don't want to lose them, but I think its for the best.
AITA? And if you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated.
submitted by Oni_Lyn to AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC [link] [comments]
I am 16f currently almost 17 and have not had a good home or family connection since I was 10. My bio dad (I think hes 36\37?m) was never really around as well as an addict (He claims to be sober though I dont quite believe that). There is also belief of abuse when I was with him though it isn't and most likely will never be confirmed. I do have many memories that I can remember vividly of times I was with him despite being between 6 and 8 at the time. He officially left on my 10th birthday by sending me an email apologizing and I didnt hear from him again for 6 years and its been on and off texting, he has been to jail multiple times throughout the last almost year weve been in contact.
Past that after he left my mother (34f) and step dad (36m. I think) became my only parents. Despite having my stepfather there my whole life I did consider him as a dad but he wasnt my actual dad my mom was my mom. She became my only 'parent' and I clung onto her. Around this time I also had a baby brother (6m now) my mom and step dads kid and a 10f now sister my dads and one of his ex girlfriends daughter. This is kind of important to note that I love my sibling and family and would never purposefully physically hurt them or hurt them in general.
Fast forward to christmas of the year I turned ten, I had sadly fallen into the wormhole that Im sure many others fell into of being groomed by men. Sending things and being taken advantage of. On christmas eve my step father found out and hell broke loose. I can admit my fault now but back then I didnt understand the length of how bad it was what I had done and had been doing, my mother held me that night as I cried and had my first panic attack. This was the beginning of our downfall though.
My mother and step dad had completely lost trust in me (which is fair) but we just couldnt seem to get along. Sure we could act fine and everything but now the cops were in our lives and I ended up moving away from home from this incident and in with my nana, as my reaction was to shut down while my mother yelled and cried trying to speak with me but I refused. My mother then grabbed a bag packed it and told me to get in the car dropping me off in another town at my nanas. This was early January around the beginning of covid I believe.
Me and my mother were low contact and I quite honestly missed her but at the same time I was happy where I was. One day in March I came home from school to see my mother in the house, she was bringing me back to live with her. I can't remember why so suddenly but I did end up moving back and she switched me to a catholic school (we were online because of COVID at this time).
During my time back I began to date my now ex girlfriend but she is now one of my biggest supports as she knows most of this as she witnessed some. Not in person but through video calls or just regilar calls that I dont believe my family were aware of.
My parents put child locks and time locks on my computer, and I wasnt allowed to have a phone (again fair) but with me being the child I was I wanted to socialize so I would play games like Among us or go into chat rooms that my parents would block and I would get in trouble. I rember about a certain one that they got mad at me for using my step dad months later during an argument yelled at me 'That one site you used just got shut down for trafficking' I was around 12 or 13 at this time and wasnt fully understanding of the length and what that meant. I just know his anger scared me.
I wont give the fully backstory but some incidents were as goes:
We came home from a drive one night and I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I was 13 at this time. My step dad came into the room pissed off and I sat up confused and simple asked 'What?'. He got mad and half yelled 'Don't fcking what me' then he continued to take eveything out of my room. Dumped all my clothes into a pile on the floor an drilled two pieces of wood onto the top and bottom of my closet doors so I could no longer open it as well as changed the door handle so that they could lock me in my room (which they did). During this I was standing in the corner scared and crying and he came got all up in my face and said 'Are you fcking scared now l?' Then proceeded to oush my head back then slap me. Afterwards I was locked in my room with a mattress, blanket, pillows and a pile of my clothing. I believe I was in there for a week though Im not sure. During that time they would open the door and ask if I needed to pee or shower, I always reufsed unless I absolutely did have to go because I just didnt want to move. They would at lunch and dinner bring in a plate with food and a cup or bottle of something to drink. I rarely actually ate it and slowly the food turned into bits of food and saltine crackers. I have now learned that according to my mother my step dad told her that I was being violent and getting all up in his face and that he was scared of me. She has also said that they did this because they were scared I was going to hurt or k*ll myself. Which at this point in time I had never done, attempted or really even thought about. Also, on the first night I dont know if more happened but I woke up in darkness to my step dad laying with me and hugging me as well as apologizing, I was scared and didnt know (and still don't know) what to make of it so I pretended to sleep. After awhile he left.
We were arguing basically everyday, which they would always start and I either wouldnt feed into it or would try to end it which only added fuel to the fire.
Many of these arguments led to me running out of the house and coming back late or not at all.
When I was 14 my school counseler noticed I seemed off I guess and I broke and told her. Then CAS came into my life. Long story short they did nothing and saw nothing wrong (my parents never admitted to anything and ir was a childs word against two adults) while only adding onto the tense atmosphere I called home.
Finally in fall of 2021. I left home for the last time. I love to paint and I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time when my step dad came in and turned the light on (I had a simple lamp on my desk) he then noticed green paint on my floor. He immediatly got mad and told me to clean it to which I said I would. He left for about 5 minutes and I hadnt cleaned it yet having been in the middle of something when he asked. This started an argument and escalated to him screaming at me then grabbing my arm and pulling me into the hallway. I began to scream back and he was taking my wallet and other things using the excuse 'You didnt buy them. They're not yours' my mother was trying to get us both to stop but it ended with my dad opening and unlocking the front door telling me to leave and the door was open so I did. Cops were called that night and I moved in with my grandmother. I lived with her for about 3 weeks and the whole time my mother argued and tried to manipulate me into coming back.
Me, my mother and grandma had made a deal because I didnt feel safe in the house or comftorable that I would come home every Tuesday and Thursday. I stayed there Tuesday and on Wednesday after school went to a friends. My mother tried to get me home claiming the deal had never been made and called the cops on me. They showed up at my friends house and brought me back to my grandmothers where we explained the deal. I called my friend and her mom and began to apologize and not even 5 minutes into it my papa came into the apartment and screamed at me. My mother had apparently called him and said she never wanted to see him, my grandmother or me again and that my stuff would be on the side of the road if I wanted it.
Wuth everything going on I am sad to say this was my first ever time attempting to take my life that night. I went to psych ward for two weeks and moved in with my nana and papa afterwards.
The relationship with my mother and step dad is beyond strained as they both wont admit of the things that went on and since I got my doagnosises (Borderline personality disorder among other things) my mother has now began to blame my bast actions on it saying things like 'it all makes sense now'. Neither of them will apologize and they expect me to apologize. My relationship with my nana and papa is also strained the only person in my family I get along with is my cousin (19m) and my grandmother (84f).
Since turning 15 I gave struggled greatly with depression, suicidal thoughts and worst of all self harm. I have attempted many times and everytime my family only shows annoyance and disappointment only making me go deeper into this spiral.
Since turning 16 I have been kicked out of my nana and papas 3 times. First because they learned I smoke weed and got mad saying they didnt want someone like that in their house as well as I was just like my dad (my father is a drug addict and quite frankly I am terrified of anything other than weed). Second time they somehow got it into their heads that I was using substances other than weed. Third time was because we were arguing and my papa grabbed me to which I started yelling at him to never do that and he immediatly claimed he didnt do anything. I told him to f himself and my nana told me to get out.
Because of all this I havent had a stable place im years. I ended up moving to British Columbia for 4 months and living with my dead best friends family (rest in peace my love💜) where I got amazing support and do plan to live back there once I am 18. Sadly I moved back in with my nana and papa (thin thin line of me staying for good as the toxicity of this household has only grown since I left those months ago). The night before I moved back I had a breakdown and messaged my mother that I need her among other things. The next day while I was at the airport she responded and we blew up into a fight because she didnt give me time to explain what my plan was. All I had said was that I wasnt sure if I was moving back in with my nana and papa and she told me just dont and to stop using them. This escalated to where she blocked both me and her father. My papa. This was in February.
Since she blocked me I have talked to multiple friends and even just had time to reflect and realize that when I say I want my mom. I really want the mom I thought I had back but shes gone and we cannot seem to reach an impasse. Family is one of the most important things to me and it breaks my heart that I cannot be there for my younger brother. I accepted that I will most likely once I'm 18 offically just cut them off and leave this toxicity that I am in.
My family members always push me to apologize and fix my relationship with my mother and step dad.
Last weei my mother reached out again and seemed fine. We talked for a few days until she said 'Well I've heard a lot about new stuff but not past stuff' to which I asled what she meaned and she said 'An apology'. I just got upset and hung up. I know I do owe some apologies and I have aplogized for things like the past mistakes and some arguments but they want me to apologize for everything, even the things they twisted into being my fault which weren't. I refuse to apologize and they refuse to acknlowedge it. I don't know and can't think of what she wants me to apologize for that she was meaning in that phone call but its most likely something she just wants to pin on me. She refuses to acknowledge or belive that my step father ever hit me claiming that at the time 'I was crazy and she can't be sure'. These are statements and things that I won't forget and will most likely never forgive even if I do get the appropriate apologies.
I feel like I am doing the right thing by staying low contact then just cutting them off when I am 18 at this point. Though I am not sure as my nana and papa and others are making me second guess it through guilt tripping or manipulating me. I am well aware of what they are doing and if I could make myself stop believing them and feeling this way I would but they are my family and I really don't want to lose them, but I think its for the best.
AITA? And if you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated.
2024.04.28 21:58 Blkbear17 This is a little long so bare with me
Hi, I’m a 35yr male. I kinda just fly under the radar and keep to myself. I want social activity but my insecurities get in the way. I’m gonna give you guys something to read. It’s a life story of events.
When I was younger, just a baby I was always yelled at and getting into trouble by my dad, I don’t remember much of that time but I’ve grown afraid of my dad. I had 3 sisters, my oldest sister would always beat me up. I know she had to of got in trouble but for the longest time I had scars all over from where she would dig her nails into my face and arms. I just can’t recall a lot of it. Anytime I shave you can see the damage clearly.
At school every morning, I remember banging my head against the wall just to fall asleep, it’s embarrassing to think about but the cause which I assume was caused by a rocking horse that I would get on, throw an blanket over myself and fall asleep. I’m sure people laughed but I did it for unknown reasons.
My left eye is bad, so it sorta wonders. I remember first grade being alright. Then I got accused for stealing something when I never did. It was a giant sand dollar and someone broke it, hiding it in my bag. After that I just don’t really remember much besides everyone being mean so I just started sleeping through classes.
I was always be little, so I started to assume I was just stupid and I still struggle with this. I’ll list what I can remember from a bullying aspect, my eye was easy target for people and still is. I’m sure my hygiene wasn’t the greatest because I remember not caring because nothing at that time and place made any sense.
I was so used to being in trouble that I couldn’t really tell right from wrong I remember laughing at a kid who’s butt crack was showing as he crawled around the back of us and I kinda just copied him because we’re young and I thought it was funny. I got sent to the office. I remember being deathly afraid of that phone call and for some reason in a state of panic I said I showed my genitals instead. I questioned myself when I did it but I was just so scared it’s what came out. When I got home I got held up by the arm and got my behind blistered.
Then after that, things get foggy. I just remember always being afraid. My dad was chasing me for whatever reason and flipped a couch on me to whoop me, I don’t understand the exact reason for this if I’m honest. Either my mom said I did something or one of my sisters did.
Then another time, my second youngest sister was playing with scissors in the bathroom, I took them away and she ran off and told my mom I was playing with them and I got a spanking for that. Same sister also got me in the most traumatizing event I can remember. I’m probably only 11 or 12 it’s around Christmas. My dad just bought a new pick up, and I guess I had a cold because my nose was runny. I had to sneeze so I covered my nose and mucus went all in my hand. I remember clutching it into a fist. My sister accused me of showing it off when I specifically remember being afraid and holding it. As they’re screaming ew and gross he’s gonna get it on me my dad started yelling at me. I’m sitting exactly behind him. He reached back grabbing me by the hair and slamming my head against the center console telling me if I get that in his pick up he’s gonna make me walk home. Threatening me the entire way to my grandpas.
After that I hid away from everything, I stopped trying because everything I felt like I did was wrong and got a spanking for. I developed nasty habits, biting my nails, eating boogers, kid shit. My dad was a truck driver so he was never home. But anytime we acted up he would come home and spank us. My parents usually yelled at each other and ended up getting a divorce. My mom was dealing with some type of abuse as well but her type of revenge was leaving my dad in a big pile of debt ruining him financially. We jumped from house to house. My mom was always worried about herself after that. She started partying, coming home drunk bringing guys home and you could hear her moaning from having sex in her room. She would try to bait our dad into coming over so she could get him arrested or in trouble.
We eventually moved away to a bigger city, she remarried and things just kept getting worse with her. She always said we wouldn’t mind and literally had a woman come over and spank us. All the while she still going out and partying. Me and my second youngest sister grew closer at this point. At school I was still bullied but got used to isolating myself and just sleeping through out classes. Fresh marks on my arm from my sister but i wouldn’t dare lay a hand on her because it’s just more trouble then it’s worth. I had a couple bullies I hated, one in particular would always try to get me alone. So in retaliation I saved up saliva in my mouth. I spit on him and he left me alone after that I do feel bad about it but it got him to back off The other bully lived in the same neighborhood as me. I couldn’t do much to avoid him. I never stood up to him but one day he picked a lot of sandburrs, stickers or whatever you guys call them. He had a huge stack of them and smashed them on my back when I rode past. Shit hurt, after that my bike was stolen so I just hung out at the house.
I just felt I had no one. Couldn’t have guest over, because we had real bad bugs from when we lived in some apartments before hand. So it was embarrassing having company over. Not like I had friends anyways. But lets get back on track, at this point me and my sister wanted to go live with our dad. My mom kept targeting us, forcing us to do all the chores, grounding us and having us spanked. They would sometimes strip my pants off and push me outside bare ass naked locking me out. If I acted out in a store my step dad started pulling on my ears eventually ripping the lower lobe. Anytime we overslept he would dump ice water on us. He was just big bully too. My dad had visitation rights and he was trying to make up but I developed some ptsd I think. But he noticed the scar tissue behind my ears. He wanted to kill him over it. After that ordeal our mom stuck us in some type of mental disorder daycare place. I don’t even know tbh, I was stuck in a group of much younger kids because I didn’t act my age. I was not mature at all, I believe it’s just how I coped.
Eventually we got our wish, we went to live with our dad. Things were better but the mental abuse continued. He gave me set hours to be home by, and if I didn’t I was in trouble, I was still bullied but I was so used to it. I hand me downs cloths and shoes. My dad always told me I’ll grow into them. But one day one of my new bullied pushed me down and I fell out of one of shoes and he tossed it on top of the school. We couldnt afford it but my dad bought me a new set but of some steel toes and told me to kick them next time. But that following week he went to the school and got both parent and got my bully to leave me alone.
I had a crush on a girl so I annoyed her, my way of flirting which was burping in her ear for whatever reason. Teacher who was also a coach yelled at me and after that I just cried and then went to the bathroom to dry my face. It was so embarrassing, but I deserved it. I just didn’t have many social skills and no one wanted talk to me anyways.
My dad always threatened to kick me out or whatever if I got in trouble or got some pregnant. I never tried to work with him because I would get yelled at and make me afraid. I just stayed in my room, played games and avoided everyone unless it was time to eat. But jokes on him he officially gave me the best kind of birth control, trauma. So after continued being bullied, never seeing my mom till after a couple years the person watching over my step mom (they never got married) starting going over the road with my dad. Me and my sister for 11th and 12th grade were left home unsupervised.
She started going out and I just stayed home. I really had no one beside my online friends. I hid everything because they never knew what I looked like or who was. I would have little mental cracks and write out things in messages. They’re closer to poems than messages and send them out to people I liked online. They enjoyed what I wrote. But eventually I got older. I never could fit in anywhere.
I eventually joined the armed forces, and done everything to get through it but they deemed I was too mentally unstable to continue service. Which they were right.
After that I’ve dated off and on but nothing worth mentioning besides being cheated on multiple time. I just lacked experience in every aspect of my life. Sex life is terrible, social skills is terrible I honestly expected to die some point in my 20s tbh rather it be suicide or I just wrecked. Now I’m 35, no wife, no kids and I blow money like it’s no one’s business. I started driving a truck and wasted my entire 20s running hard doing hot shot work. I was trying to make money and buy things I wanted. I didn’t care about taxes or anything. but it just put me in more financial troubles since I was stupid about it. If you know anything about trucking I was running illegal most of the time. Anything to keep me away from the house. I kinda avoid my parents but some days I’m more open to talk but it’s only my dad. My mom just doesn’t pay attention to anything I say.
Anytime a woman gives me attention I get super attached and I know it’s wrong. I push them away trying to not come off as desperate. I find myself watching wanting a reply. I just get kinda happy someone is talking to me. But I know it’s not healthy so I try to calm myself down and exit out of it.
Even tho my sister wasn’t there for me she has taking strides to make it up to me. I love her and promised her a few years ago I wouldn’t ever take my life. But people just make it hard, I retired earlier this year from trucking because I’m burnt out , my truck kept giving me issues and costing me a lot money and I don’t know where to go. I struggle with committing or finding something to achieve and my depression has me in state of no control or responsibility. I just know nothing is helping my mental state so this year I want to correct it and get my life in order.
submitted by Blkbear17 to domesticviolence [link] [comments]
When I was younger, just a baby I was always yelled at and getting into trouble by my dad, I don’t remember much of that time but I’ve grown afraid of my dad. I had 3 sisters, my oldest sister would always beat me up. I know she had to of got in trouble but for the longest time I had scars all over from where she would dig her nails into my face and arms. I just can’t recall a lot of it. Anytime I shave you can see the damage clearly.
At school every morning, I remember banging my head against the wall just to fall asleep, it’s embarrassing to think about but the cause which I assume was caused by a rocking horse that I would get on, throw an blanket over myself and fall asleep. I’m sure people laughed but I did it for unknown reasons.
My left eye is bad, so it sorta wonders. I remember first grade being alright. Then I got accused for stealing something when I never did. It was a giant sand dollar and someone broke it, hiding it in my bag. After that I just don’t really remember much besides everyone being mean so I just started sleeping through classes.
I was always be little, so I started to assume I was just stupid and I still struggle with this. I’ll list what I can remember from a bullying aspect, my eye was easy target for people and still is. I’m sure my hygiene wasn’t the greatest because I remember not caring because nothing at that time and place made any sense.
I was so used to being in trouble that I couldn’t really tell right from wrong I remember laughing at a kid who’s butt crack was showing as he crawled around the back of us and I kinda just copied him because we’re young and I thought it was funny. I got sent to the office. I remember being deathly afraid of that phone call and for some reason in a state of panic I said I showed my genitals instead. I questioned myself when I did it but I was just so scared it’s what came out. When I got home I got held up by the arm and got my behind blistered.
Then after that, things get foggy. I just remember always being afraid. My dad was chasing me for whatever reason and flipped a couch on me to whoop me, I don’t understand the exact reason for this if I’m honest. Either my mom said I did something or one of my sisters did.
Then another time, my second youngest sister was playing with scissors in the bathroom, I took them away and she ran off and told my mom I was playing with them and I got a spanking for that. Same sister also got me in the most traumatizing event I can remember. I’m probably only 11 or 12 it’s around Christmas. My dad just bought a new pick up, and I guess I had a cold because my nose was runny. I had to sneeze so I covered my nose and mucus went all in my hand. I remember clutching it into a fist. My sister accused me of showing it off when I specifically remember being afraid and holding it. As they’re screaming ew and gross he’s gonna get it on me my dad started yelling at me. I’m sitting exactly behind him. He reached back grabbing me by the hair and slamming my head against the center console telling me if I get that in his pick up he’s gonna make me walk home. Threatening me the entire way to my grandpas.
After that I hid away from everything, I stopped trying because everything I felt like I did was wrong and got a spanking for. I developed nasty habits, biting my nails, eating boogers, kid shit. My dad was a truck driver so he was never home. But anytime we acted up he would come home and spank us. My parents usually yelled at each other and ended up getting a divorce. My mom was dealing with some type of abuse as well but her type of revenge was leaving my dad in a big pile of debt ruining him financially. We jumped from house to house. My mom was always worried about herself after that. She started partying, coming home drunk bringing guys home and you could hear her moaning from having sex in her room. She would try to bait our dad into coming over so she could get him arrested or in trouble.
We eventually moved away to a bigger city, she remarried and things just kept getting worse with her. She always said we wouldn’t mind and literally had a woman come over and spank us. All the while she still going out and partying. Me and my second youngest sister grew closer at this point. At school I was still bullied but got used to isolating myself and just sleeping through out classes. Fresh marks on my arm from my sister but i wouldn’t dare lay a hand on her because it’s just more trouble then it’s worth. I had a couple bullies I hated, one in particular would always try to get me alone. So in retaliation I saved up saliva in my mouth. I spit on him and he left me alone after that I do feel bad about it but it got him to back off The other bully lived in the same neighborhood as me. I couldn’t do much to avoid him. I never stood up to him but one day he picked a lot of sandburrs, stickers or whatever you guys call them. He had a huge stack of them and smashed them on my back when I rode past. Shit hurt, after that my bike was stolen so I just hung out at the house.
I just felt I had no one. Couldn’t have guest over, because we had real bad bugs from when we lived in some apartments before hand. So it was embarrassing having company over. Not like I had friends anyways. But lets get back on track, at this point me and my sister wanted to go live with our dad. My mom kept targeting us, forcing us to do all the chores, grounding us and having us spanked. They would sometimes strip my pants off and push me outside bare ass naked locking me out. If I acted out in a store my step dad started pulling on my ears eventually ripping the lower lobe. Anytime we overslept he would dump ice water on us. He was just big bully too. My dad had visitation rights and he was trying to make up but I developed some ptsd I think. But he noticed the scar tissue behind my ears. He wanted to kill him over it. After that ordeal our mom stuck us in some type of mental disorder daycare place. I don’t even know tbh, I was stuck in a group of much younger kids because I didn’t act my age. I was not mature at all, I believe it’s just how I coped.
Eventually we got our wish, we went to live with our dad. Things were better but the mental abuse continued. He gave me set hours to be home by, and if I didn’t I was in trouble, I was still bullied but I was so used to it. I hand me downs cloths and shoes. My dad always told me I’ll grow into them. But one day one of my new bullied pushed me down and I fell out of one of shoes and he tossed it on top of the school. We couldnt afford it but my dad bought me a new set but of some steel toes and told me to kick them next time. But that following week he went to the school and got both parent and got my bully to leave me alone.
I had a crush on a girl so I annoyed her, my way of flirting which was burping in her ear for whatever reason. Teacher who was also a coach yelled at me and after that I just cried and then went to the bathroom to dry my face. It was so embarrassing, but I deserved it. I just didn’t have many social skills and no one wanted talk to me anyways.
My dad always threatened to kick me out or whatever if I got in trouble or got some pregnant. I never tried to work with him because I would get yelled at and make me afraid. I just stayed in my room, played games and avoided everyone unless it was time to eat. But jokes on him he officially gave me the best kind of birth control, trauma. So after continued being bullied, never seeing my mom till after a couple years the person watching over my step mom (they never got married) starting going over the road with my dad. Me and my sister for 11th and 12th grade were left home unsupervised.
She started going out and I just stayed home. I really had no one beside my online friends. I hid everything because they never knew what I looked like or who was. I would have little mental cracks and write out things in messages. They’re closer to poems than messages and send them out to people I liked online. They enjoyed what I wrote. But eventually I got older. I never could fit in anywhere.
I eventually joined the armed forces, and done everything to get through it but they deemed I was too mentally unstable to continue service. Which they were right.
After that I’ve dated off and on but nothing worth mentioning besides being cheated on multiple time. I just lacked experience in every aspect of my life. Sex life is terrible, social skills is terrible I honestly expected to die some point in my 20s tbh rather it be suicide or I just wrecked. Now I’m 35, no wife, no kids and I blow money like it’s no one’s business. I started driving a truck and wasted my entire 20s running hard doing hot shot work. I was trying to make money and buy things I wanted. I didn’t care about taxes or anything. but it just put me in more financial troubles since I was stupid about it. If you know anything about trucking I was running illegal most of the time. Anything to keep me away from the house. I kinda avoid my parents but some days I’m more open to talk but it’s only my dad. My mom just doesn’t pay attention to anything I say.
Anytime a woman gives me attention I get super attached and I know it’s wrong. I push them away trying to not come off as desperate. I find myself watching wanting a reply. I just get kinda happy someone is talking to me. But I know it’s not healthy so I try to calm myself down and exit out of it.
Even tho my sister wasn’t there for me she has taking strides to make it up to me. I love her and promised her a few years ago I wouldn’t ever take my life. But people just make it hard, I retired earlier this year from trucking because I’m burnt out , my truck kept giving me issues and costing me a lot money and I don’t know where to go. I struggle with committing or finding something to achieve and my depression has me in state of no control or responsibility. I just know nothing is helping my mental state so this year I want to correct it and get my life in order.
2024.04.28 21:57 axiomaticDisfigured I feel sick with myself for thinking this.. ((Possible TW?)) (I’ll take this down if posts that isn’t about xenos ((ect)) isn’t aloud)
For some reason all my life I’ve always wanted to have disorders. I’ve been making scenarios in my head where I have , DID, schizophrenia, C-PTSD ect and I think I’m generally disgusting for thinking this… I also think I’m intentionally faking Tics, I’ve only really started ticing after my ADHD diagnosis… because of all this I think I don’t even have ADHD. What if I’m faking it? I barely had signs of it when I was younger (I think I can’t really remember my childhood, maybe I did?) until I started to read about it when I was 7 and generally I think here is something wrong with me. Especially since I’ve once tried to convince myself I had DID when I obviously don’t. Wanting DID has been my major fascination and I’ve used it in C.AI and did so much research so it actually felt I had it…. I feel sick with myself in so many levels… I really think I should of never even watched MHA and moonknight because then I would have a major fascination with wanting DID (twice and moonknight are a few of my fictionkin-types).
Is there any way to help with what I’m wanting? Therapy isn’t helping and I can’t find anything that would make my fantasy go away and I don’t want to be like this…
submitted by axiomaticDisfigured to XenogendersAndMore [link] [comments]
Is there any way to help with what I’m wanting? Therapy isn’t helping and I can’t find anything that would make my fantasy go away and I don’t want to be like this…
2024.04.28 21:51 viaingenue has anyone else developed multiple EDs separately?
disclaimer: not medically diagnosed and that's not really the point of my post, as i understand that this all could fall under OSFED/EDNOS territory. i'm just using these terms to try to communicate what i mean.
i have OCD and had an extremely restricted diet due to ARFID-esque fears as a young child, which still kind of holds true today. then, as a pre-teen i developed an exercise addiction and began restricting. when i was a teen i stopped that and randomly developed a purging problem similar to purging disorder after getting a stomach virus. after that, i had symptoms like non-purging bulimia. had a brief period of compulsively eating non-food items. then a binge eating problem.
now i'm closer to atypical anorexia. i can look back and i've basically done everything and even things i've never heard of other people doing, sometimes for seemingly no reason. one of the earliest things that kicked this off was compulsively forcing myself to eat things that made me sick--combinations of medications, boiling hot liquids, salt water and vinegar, things that my OCD tells me are dirty.
i really struggle to comprehend how i "get over" one eating problem and am hit with a totally different one. i'm currently dealing with extreme fear that i'll vomit, which seems ironic given my past. having OCD is definitely a common theme. i did experience child abuse where my siblings and i were forced to eat spoiled food, things we were allergic to, or just not fed, or given too much food. anyone else?
submitted by viaingenue to EDAnonymous [link] [comments]
i have OCD and had an extremely restricted diet due to ARFID-esque fears as a young child, which still kind of holds true today. then, as a pre-teen i developed an exercise addiction and began restricting. when i was a teen i stopped that and randomly developed a purging problem similar to purging disorder after getting a stomach virus. after that, i had symptoms like non-purging bulimia. had a brief period of compulsively eating non-food items. then a binge eating problem.
now i'm closer to atypical anorexia. i can look back and i've basically done everything and even things i've never heard of other people doing, sometimes for seemingly no reason. one of the earliest things that kicked this off was compulsively forcing myself to eat things that made me sick--combinations of medications, boiling hot liquids, salt water and vinegar, things that my OCD tells me are dirty.
i really struggle to comprehend how i "get over" one eating problem and am hit with a totally different one. i'm currently dealing with extreme fear that i'll vomit, which seems ironic given my past. having OCD is definitely a common theme. i did experience child abuse where my siblings and i were forced to eat spoiled food, things we were allergic to, or just not fed, or given too much food. anyone else?
2024.04.28 21:47 SeaSignal715 Will Adderall cause nausea and vomiting after 6 weeks of use?
I was started on Adderall 3 months ago. 15mg. After a month they boosted it to 20. Never had any issues with nausea or vomiting in the near first 2 months. But now it seems to be a daily thing. Any time I actually eat I usually vomit it up. It is not a bug. This has been going on for 3 weeks now. The only other drug I take is Lexapro and have been on that for years. Can the Adderall have a delay with causing these effects? I read a lot about people who are on it and have nausea and vomiting. But I didn't have any issues with that for the first nearly 2 months. Have others had this delay side effect?
submitted by SeaSignal715 to ADHD [link] [comments]
2024.04.28 21:41 atlas_whistle What should I do to keep the conversation going?
I (29F) recently started talking to this guy (30M). We met while ordering street food 4 days ago, and I asked for his number.
I'm not very attached to my phone. I prefer spending my time watching something in my laptop or reading a novel, if I'm not working or doing chores. And frankly, I'm not used to texting since I don't have that many friends. It feels kinda awkward for me, and I run out of things to say.
We're in the first phase of getting to know each other, and he's the first guy I've talked to in a while. He complained that I take time to answer and disappear after a few messages. He asked me if I'm still interested in getting to know each other. I answered in the positive, and he replied that it doesn't show.
What should I do to keep the conversation going? How can I connect with this person without having to push myself?
FYI, we live in different cities and I just got back home. I also have bipolar disorder, for which I take medication for over 3 years now.
submitted by atlas_whistle to Advice [link] [comments]
I'm not very attached to my phone. I prefer spending my time watching something in my laptop or reading a novel, if I'm not working or doing chores. And frankly, I'm not used to texting since I don't have that many friends. It feels kinda awkward for me, and I run out of things to say.
We're in the first phase of getting to know each other, and he's the first guy I've talked to in a while. He complained that I take time to answer and disappear after a few messages. He asked me if I'm still interested in getting to know each other. I answered in the positive, and he replied that it doesn't show.
What should I do to keep the conversation going? How can I connect with this person without having to push myself?
FYI, we live in different cities and I just got back home. I also have bipolar disorder, for which I take medication for over 3 years now.
2024.04.28 21:35 Oni_Lyn AITA for not forgiving my family
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this and quite honestly I never really planned to post it online as I felt lile it would be a move seen as to just gain sympathy but now I'm at a loss and thought I'd give it a shot. I apologize if there's some rambling I'm not quite sure of what I'm doing here. Fair warning abuse and some sh will be mentioned.
I am 16f currently almost 17 and have not had a good home or family connection since I was 10. My bio dad (I think hes 36\37?m) was never really around as well as an addict (He claims to be sober though I dont quite believe that). There is also belief of abuse when I was with him though it isn't and most likely will never be confirmed. I do have many memories that I can remember vividly of times I was with him despite being between 6 and 8 at the time. He officially left on my 10th birthday by sending me an email apologizing and I didnt hear from him again for 6 years and its been on and off texting, he has been to jail multiple times throughout the last almost year weve been in contact.
Past that after he left my mother (34f) and step dad (36m. I think) became my only parents. Despite having my stepfather there my whole life I did consider him as a dad but he wasnt my actual dad my mom was my mom. She became my only 'parent' and I clung onto her. Around this time I also had a baby brother (6m now) my mom and step dads kid and a 10f now sister my dads and one of his ex girlfriends daughter. This is kind of important to note that I love my sibling and family and would never purposefully physically hurt them or hurt them in general.
Fast forward to christmas of the year I turned ten, I had sadly fallen into the wormhole that Im sure many others fell into of being groomed by men. Sending things and being taken advantage of. On christmas eve my step father found out and hell broke loose. I can admit my fault now but back then I didnt understand the length of how bad it was what I had done and had been doing, my mother held me that night as I cried and had my first panic attack. This was the beginning of our downfall though.
My mother and step dad had completely lost trust in me (which is fair) but we just couldnt seem to get along. Sure we could act fine and everything but now the cops were in our lives and I ended up moving away from home from this incident and in with my nana, as my reaction was to shut down while my mother yelled and cried trying to speak with me but I refused. My mother then grabbed a bag packed it and told me to get in the car dropping me off in another town at my nanas. This was early January around the beginning of covid I believe.
Me and my mother were low contact and I quite honestly missed her but at the same time I was happy where I was. One day in March I came home from school to see my mother in the house, she was bringing me back to live with her. I can't remember why so suddenly but I did end up moving back and she switched me to a catholic school (we were online because of COVID at this time).
During my time back I began to date my now ex girlfriend but she is now one of my biggest supports as she knows most of this as she witnessed some. Not in person but through video calls or just regilar calls that I dont believe my family were aware of.
My parents put child locks and time locks on my computer, and I wasnt allowed to have a phone (again fair) but with me being the child I was I wanted to socialize so I would play games like Among us or go into chat rooms that my parents would block and I would get in trouble. I rember about a certain one that they got mad at me for using my step dad months later during an argument yelled at me 'That one site you used just got shut down for trafficking' I was around 12 or 13 at this time and wasnt fully understanding of the length and what that meant. I just know his anger scared me.
I wont give the fully backstory but some incidents were as goes:
We came home from a drive one night and I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I was 13 at this time. My step dad came into the room pissed off and I sat up confused and simple asked 'What?'. He got mad and half yelled 'Don't fcking what me' then he continued to take eveything out of my room. Dumped all my clothes into a pile on the floor an drilled two pieces of wood onto the top and bottom of my closet doors so I could no longer open it as well as changed the door handle so that they could lock me in my room (which they did). During this I was standing in the corner scared and crying and he came got all up in my face and said 'Are you fcking scared now l?' Then proceeded to oush my head back then slap me. Afterwards I was locked in my room with a mattress, blanket, pillows and a pile of my clothing. I believe I was in there for a week though Im not sure. During that time they would open the door and ask if I needed to pee or shower, I always reufsed unless I absolutely did have to go because I just didnt want to move. They would at lunch and dinner bring in a plate with food and a cup or bottle of something to drink. I rarely actually ate it and slowly the food turned into bits of food and saltine crackers. I have now learned that according to my mother my step dad told her that I was being violent and getting all up in his face and that he was scared of me. She has also said that they did this because they were scared I was going to hurt or k*ll myself. Which at this point in time I had never done, attempted or really even thought about. Also, on the first night I dont know if more happened but I woke up in darkness to my step dad laying with me and hugging me as well as apologizing, I was scared and didnt know (and still don't know) what to make of it so I pretended to sleep. After awhile he left.
We were arguing basically everyday, which they would always start and I either wouldnt feed into it or would try to end it which only added fuel to the fire.
Many of these arguments led to me running out of the house and coming back late or not at all.
When I was 14 my school counseler noticed I seemed off I guess and I broke and told her. Then CAS came into my life. Long story short they did nothing and saw nothing wrong (my parents never admitted to anything and ir was a childs word against two adults) while only adding onto the tense atmosphere I called home.
Finally in fall of 2021. I left home for the last time. I love to paint and I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time when my step dad came in and turned the light on (I had a simple lamp on my desk) he then noticed green paint on my floor. He immediatly got mad and told me to clean it to which I said I would. He left for about 5 minutes and I hadnt cleaned it yet having been in the middle of something when he asked. This started an argument and escalated to him screaming at me then grabbing my arm and pulling me into the hallway. I began to scream back and he was taking my wallet and other things using the excuse 'You didnt buy them. They're not yours' my mother was trying to get us both to stop but it ended with my dad opening and unlocking the front door telling me to leave and the door was open so I did. Cops were called that night and I moved in with my grandmother. I lived with her for about 3 weeks and the whole time my mother argued and tried to manipulate me into coming back.
Me, my mother and grandma had made a deal because I didnt feel safe in the house or comftorable that I would come home every Tuesday and Thursday. I stayed there Tuesday and on Wednesday after school went to a friends. My mother tried to get me home claiming the deal had never been made and called the cops on me. They showed up at my friends house and brought me back to my grandmothers where we explained the deal. I called my friend and her mom and began to apologize and not even 5 minutes into it my papa came into the apartment and screamed at me. My mother had apparently called him and said she never wanted to see him, my grandmother or me again and that my stuff would be on the side of the road if I wanted it.
Wuth everything going on I am sad to say this was my first ever time attempting to take my life that night. I went to psych ward for two weeks and moved in with my nana and papa afterwards.
The relationship with my mother and step dad is beyond strained as they both wont admit of the things that went on and since I got my doagnosises (Borderline personality disorder among other things) my mother has now began to blame my bast actions on it saying things like 'it all makes sense now'. Neither of them will apologize and they expect me to apologize. My relationship with my nana and papa is also strained the only person in my family I get along with is my cousin (19m) and my grandmother (84f).
Since turning 15 I gave struggled greatly with depression, suicidal thoughts and worst of all self harm. I have attempted many times and everytime my family only shows annoyance and disappointment only making me go deeper into this spiral.
Since turning 16 I have been kicked out of my nana and papas 3 times. First because they learned I smoke weed and got mad saying they didnt want someone like that in their house as well as I was just like my dad (my father is a drug addict and quite frankly I am terrified of anything other than weed). Second time they somehow got it into their heads that I was using substances other than weed. Third time was because we were arguing and my papa grabbed me to which I started yelling at him to never do that and he immediatly claimed he didnt do anything. I told him to f himself and my nana told me to get out.
Because of all this I havent had a stable place im years. I ended up moving to British Columbia for 4 months and living with my dead best friends family (rest in peace my love💜) where I got amazing support and do plan to live back there once I am 18. Sadly I moved back in with my nana and papa (thin thin line of me staying for good as the toxicity of this household has only grown since I left those months ago). The night before I moved back I had a breakdown and messaged my mother that I need her among other things. The next day while I was at the airport she responded and we blew up into a fight because she didnt give me time to explain what my plan was. All I had said was that I wasnt sure if I was moving back in with my nana and papa and she told me just dont and to stop using them. This escalated to where she blocked both me and her father. My papa. This was in February.
Since she blocked me I have talked to multiple friends and even just had time to reflect and realize that when I say I want my mom. I really want the mom I thought I had back but shes gone and we cannot seem to reach an impasse. Family is one of the most important things to me and it breaks my heart that I cannot be there for my younger brother. I accepted that I will most likely once I'm 18 offically just cut them off and leave this toxicity that I am in.
My family members always push me to apologize and fix my relationship with my mother and step dad.
Last weei my mother reached out again and seemed fine. We talked for a few days until she said 'Well I've heard a lot about new stuff but not past stuff' to which I asled what she meaned and she said 'An apology'. I just got upset and hung up. I know I do owe some apologies and I have aplogized for things like the past mistakes and some arguments but they want me to apologize for everything, even the things they twisted into being my fault which weren't. I refuse to apologize and they refuse to acknlowedge it. I don't know and can't think of what she wants me to apologize for that she was meaning in that phone call but its most likely something she just wants to pin on me. She refuses to acknowledge or belive that my step father ever hit me claiming that at the time 'I was crazy and she can't be sure'. These are statements and things that I won't forget and will most likely never forgive even if I do get the appropriate apologies.
I feel like I am doing the right thing by staying low contact then just cutting them off when I am 18 at this point. Though I am not sure as my nana and papa and others are making me second guess it through guilt tripping or manipulating me. I am well aware of what they are doing and if I could make myself stop believing them and feeling this way I would but they are my family and I really don't want to lose them, but I think its for the best.
AITA? And if you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated.
submitted by Oni_Lyn to AITAH [link] [comments]
I am 16f currently almost 17 and have not had a good home or family connection since I was 10. My bio dad (I think hes 36\37?m) was never really around as well as an addict (He claims to be sober though I dont quite believe that). There is also belief of abuse when I was with him though it isn't and most likely will never be confirmed. I do have many memories that I can remember vividly of times I was with him despite being between 6 and 8 at the time. He officially left on my 10th birthday by sending me an email apologizing and I didnt hear from him again for 6 years and its been on and off texting, he has been to jail multiple times throughout the last almost year weve been in contact.
Past that after he left my mother (34f) and step dad (36m. I think) became my only parents. Despite having my stepfather there my whole life I did consider him as a dad but he wasnt my actual dad my mom was my mom. She became my only 'parent' and I clung onto her. Around this time I also had a baby brother (6m now) my mom and step dads kid and a 10f now sister my dads and one of his ex girlfriends daughter. This is kind of important to note that I love my sibling and family and would never purposefully physically hurt them or hurt them in general.
Fast forward to christmas of the year I turned ten, I had sadly fallen into the wormhole that Im sure many others fell into of being groomed by men. Sending things and being taken advantage of. On christmas eve my step father found out and hell broke loose. I can admit my fault now but back then I didnt understand the length of how bad it was what I had done and had been doing, my mother held me that night as I cried and had my first panic attack. This was the beginning of our downfall though.
My mother and step dad had completely lost trust in me (which is fair) but we just couldnt seem to get along. Sure we could act fine and everything but now the cops were in our lives and I ended up moving away from home from this incident and in with my nana, as my reaction was to shut down while my mother yelled and cried trying to speak with me but I refused. My mother then grabbed a bag packed it and told me to get in the car dropping me off in another town at my nanas. This was early January around the beginning of covid I believe.
Me and my mother were low contact and I quite honestly missed her but at the same time I was happy where I was. One day in March I came home from school to see my mother in the house, she was bringing me back to live with her. I can't remember why so suddenly but I did end up moving back and she switched me to a catholic school (we were online because of COVID at this time).
During my time back I began to date my now ex girlfriend but she is now one of my biggest supports as she knows most of this as she witnessed some. Not in person but through video calls or just regilar calls that I dont believe my family were aware of.
My parents put child locks and time locks on my computer, and I wasnt allowed to have a phone (again fair) but with me being the child I was I wanted to socialize so I would play games like Among us or go into chat rooms that my parents would block and I would get in trouble. I rember about a certain one that they got mad at me for using my step dad months later during an argument yelled at me 'That one site you used just got shut down for trafficking' I was around 12 or 13 at this time and wasnt fully understanding of the length and what that meant. I just know his anger scared me.
I wont give the fully backstory but some incidents were as goes:
We came home from a drive one night and I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I was 13 at this time. My step dad came into the room pissed off and I sat up confused and simple asked 'What?'. He got mad and half yelled 'Don't fcking what me' then he continued to take eveything out of my room. Dumped all my clothes into a pile on the floor an drilled two pieces of wood onto the top and bottom of my closet doors so I could no longer open it as well as changed the door handle so that they could lock me in my room (which they did). During this I was standing in the corner scared and crying and he came got all up in my face and said 'Are you fcking scared now l?' Then proceeded to oush my head back then slap me. Afterwards I was locked in my room with a mattress, blanket, pillows and a pile of my clothing. I believe I was in there for a week though Im not sure. During that time they would open the door and ask if I needed to pee or shower, I always reufsed unless I absolutely did have to go because I just didnt want to move. They would at lunch and dinner bring in a plate with food and a cup or bottle of something to drink. I rarely actually ate it and slowly the food turned into bits of food and saltine crackers. I have now learned that according to my mother my step dad told her that I was being violent and getting all up in his face and that he was scared of me. She has also said that they did this because they were scared I was going to hurt or k*ll myself. Which at this point in time I had never done, attempted or really even thought about. Also, on the first night I dont know if more happened but I woke up in darkness to my step dad laying with me and hugging me as well as apologizing, I was scared and didnt know (and still don't know) what to make of it so I pretended to sleep. After awhile he left.
We were arguing basically everyday, which they would always start and I either wouldnt feed into it or would try to end it which only added fuel to the fire.
Many of these arguments led to me running out of the house and coming back late or not at all.
When I was 14 my school counseler noticed I seemed off I guess and I broke and told her. Then CAS came into my life. Long story short they did nothing and saw nothing wrong (my parents never admitted to anything and ir was a childs word against two adults) while only adding onto the tense atmosphere I called home.
Finally in fall of 2021. I left home for the last time. I love to paint and I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time when my step dad came in and turned the light on (I had a simple lamp on my desk) he then noticed green paint on my floor. He immediatly got mad and told me to clean it to which I said I would. He left for about 5 minutes and I hadnt cleaned it yet having been in the middle of something when he asked. This started an argument and escalated to him screaming at me then grabbing my arm and pulling me into the hallway. I began to scream back and he was taking my wallet and other things using the excuse 'You didnt buy them. They're not yours' my mother was trying to get us both to stop but it ended with my dad opening and unlocking the front door telling me to leave and the door was open so I did. Cops were called that night and I moved in with my grandmother. I lived with her for about 3 weeks and the whole time my mother argued and tried to manipulate me into coming back.
Me, my mother and grandma had made a deal because I didnt feel safe in the house or comftorable that I would come home every Tuesday and Thursday. I stayed there Tuesday and on Wednesday after school went to a friends. My mother tried to get me home claiming the deal had never been made and called the cops on me. They showed up at my friends house and brought me back to my grandmothers where we explained the deal. I called my friend and her mom and began to apologize and not even 5 minutes into it my papa came into the apartment and screamed at me. My mother had apparently called him and said she never wanted to see him, my grandmother or me again and that my stuff would be on the side of the road if I wanted it.
Wuth everything going on I am sad to say this was my first ever time attempting to take my life that night. I went to psych ward for two weeks and moved in with my nana and papa afterwards.
The relationship with my mother and step dad is beyond strained as they both wont admit of the things that went on and since I got my doagnosises (Borderline personality disorder among other things) my mother has now began to blame my bast actions on it saying things like 'it all makes sense now'. Neither of them will apologize and they expect me to apologize. My relationship with my nana and papa is also strained the only person in my family I get along with is my cousin (19m) and my grandmother (84f).
Since turning 15 I gave struggled greatly with depression, suicidal thoughts and worst of all self harm. I have attempted many times and everytime my family only shows annoyance and disappointment only making me go deeper into this spiral.
Since turning 16 I have been kicked out of my nana and papas 3 times. First because they learned I smoke weed and got mad saying they didnt want someone like that in their house as well as I was just like my dad (my father is a drug addict and quite frankly I am terrified of anything other than weed). Second time they somehow got it into their heads that I was using substances other than weed. Third time was because we were arguing and my papa grabbed me to which I started yelling at him to never do that and he immediatly claimed he didnt do anything. I told him to f himself and my nana told me to get out.
Because of all this I havent had a stable place im years. I ended up moving to British Columbia for 4 months and living with my dead best friends family (rest in peace my love💜) where I got amazing support and do plan to live back there once I am 18. Sadly I moved back in with my nana and papa (thin thin line of me staying for good as the toxicity of this household has only grown since I left those months ago). The night before I moved back I had a breakdown and messaged my mother that I need her among other things. The next day while I was at the airport she responded and we blew up into a fight because she didnt give me time to explain what my plan was. All I had said was that I wasnt sure if I was moving back in with my nana and papa and she told me just dont and to stop using them. This escalated to where she blocked both me and her father. My papa. This was in February.
Since she blocked me I have talked to multiple friends and even just had time to reflect and realize that when I say I want my mom. I really want the mom I thought I had back but shes gone and we cannot seem to reach an impasse. Family is one of the most important things to me and it breaks my heart that I cannot be there for my younger brother. I accepted that I will most likely once I'm 18 offically just cut them off and leave this toxicity that I am in.
My family members always push me to apologize and fix my relationship with my mother and step dad.
Last weei my mother reached out again and seemed fine. We talked for a few days until she said 'Well I've heard a lot about new stuff but not past stuff' to which I asled what she meaned and she said 'An apology'. I just got upset and hung up. I know I do owe some apologies and I have aplogized for things like the past mistakes and some arguments but they want me to apologize for everything, even the things they twisted into being my fault which weren't. I refuse to apologize and they refuse to acknlowedge it. I don't know and can't think of what she wants me to apologize for that she was meaning in that phone call but its most likely something she just wants to pin on me. She refuses to acknowledge or belive that my step father ever hit me claiming that at the time 'I was crazy and she can't be sure'. These are statements and things that I won't forget and will most likely never forgive even if I do get the appropriate apologies.
I feel like I am doing the right thing by staying low contact then just cutting them off when I am 18 at this point. Though I am not sure as my nana and papa and others are making me second guess it through guilt tripping or manipulating me. I am well aware of what they are doing and if I could make myself stop believing them and feeling this way I would but they are my family and I really don't want to lose them, but I think its for the best.
AITA? And if you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated.