Dish network antenna pointe

• EasyJet will fly to West Africa for the first time with flights from Lisbon and Porto to Cape Verde. This will become the airline's southern most and western most destination in their network.
• Flight's from Lisbon will be offered 4X-weekly starting Oct 29 and flights from Porto will run twice weekly starting Oct 30.
• The move increases the number of points offered by easyJet from Lisbon to 32 and from Porto to 29.

https://aviationweek.com/air-transport/airports-networks/easyjet-schedules-west-africa-debut

Hey all, recently I've been thinking about what army I wanna go for once I'm done getting my tyranids to 1k or 2k points.
While I've been looking around about which models I think are cool, I always think about how an army with super beefy units with giant guns and big mechs + tanks would be cool.
I've thought about playing the tau, and I really like their battlesuits, but I just wish the looked more gritty, and had larger infantry. Everything else about them is pretty cool.
Also I should say, speed doesn't matter to me. I'd much rather have a unit that can take damage and then dish it back out, as opposed to zooming around like a gnat and then getting killed because I tripped on a rock. Also I should say, I love shooting in an army. I love a big firing line that destroys everything in it path, tearing up everything in a storm of gunfire, that's what I find most satisfying.
I'm thinking about imperial fists, but I wanted to know if there was a better faction for what I'm looking for

At least it’s good I deleted everything so that nobody could F me over and my dad, if I f him over u would be fun give myself, my sister only would believe me if I had video of it having luckily my dad had me throw away the dish ther had a video of me on the trampoline recording and being SA with the audio recording the voices, I freaked out when I found this called my dad. I wanted him to come and look at video., I pause the video that the man I was pointing the camera. It was my dad good then I deleted it because now there’s no evidence it’s pretty amazing what the trash companies do to the trash materials it’s been crushed with billion pieces. Also, don’t trust cops be against the system. The only goal is to ruin lives, rip disc from 2006/6 grade,

Hi I have an Asus L510MA. It was a Walmart special under $200 so I don't expect much. It's about 5 months old. Windows 11. Patched to current
The wifi card is an Intel. I don't remember the model but will look it up if necessary. It's doldtted onto the MB and it has one antenna connection/wire.
I damaged the $#@#$ connector for the antenna wire. The card shows up as okay in the device manager, it sees no networks even when I am inches from my router, with no antenna due to damage.
I've tried placing an antenna wire directly into the connector figuring I would dolder it but it still shows no network. I guess I need to buy a $#@&# wifi USB dongle, bit before I do (my wifi is sketchy at best, although tbe wifi card was much more reluable than my phone) I am confused why no signal at all shows.
Is it possible to solder an antenna wire to the connector? It seems like it should be but I really know nothing about antennas. Can someone give me some input.
Like I said the thing only cost $200 and I don't want to invest time and money if I need to just get a new one. But then again, money is scarce.
Thanks.

I posted to the stean sub and it got taken down. Also posted to steam discord and got no responses. If anyone can assist or let me know where else I can post this, would be greatly appreciated.
I randomly started dealing with this issue about a week ago. My steam connection will randomly drop every few mins or so for about 20 seconds and then reconnect. I'll see "no connection" where the downloads bar is at the bottom of the screen, friends list shows, "disconnected", and any online game im running will kick me out.
Im running an ethernet connection, my gateway is literally right next to my pc. Even when steam is disconnecting, speedtest is showing 700+ Mbps download. Other web pages are loading just fine, my discord calls are still connected with full bars, and I'm never having issues with other devices on my network.
I deleted steam download cache, rebooted my pc and gateway multiple times, completely uninstalled and reinstalled steam, then basic network troubleshooting like network rest, flush dns, pinging google(no packet loss at all) etc.
Im honestly not sure what else to do at this point. I was going to go get a new ethernet cable, but idk if its the cable if everything else is working fine. Is there anything else I can do?

VESTIGAL LOW-BAND FILTER
Function
This filter attenuates the lowest end "vestigal bands" of the visual transmitter and provides a constant impedance load for the output stage on the visual power amplifier. The services in the frequency band below the television channel are provided against unwanted picture interference, and the factory tuned filter simplifies operation by making further broadcast time adjustments unneccessary.
Specification
The vesitgal lowband filter is a component of the television transmitter. As the power amplifier of the visual transmitter is matched with a standing wave radio of 1.2 to 1, the lowband that falls below the channel are attenuated by 40 db or more. There is a mininum alternative in the range of frequencies utilized by the home receiver from approximately three-quarters of a megacycle below the picture carrier wave to a minimum of four and a half megacycles above the picture carrier wave. the transmittor used at the output of the so that the insertion loss of the unit need not be considered in computing the effective radiated power of the television station. The filter system is a self-contained coaxial transmission line network, with input and output dimensions for 3⅛ inches and 1 inch transmission lines, the current unit has a characteristic impedance of 55.8 ounces. For optimize-operating conditions, the transmission time connecting the power amplifier to the filter should not be greater than five feet. Electrical cables and other power routing conducts for seperate equipment should be kept at least fifteen feet from the body, for the filter to avoid signal degradation. The outer housing of the vestigal lowband filter should only be removed in check the connections points on the input and output coaxial cables. Replace the outer housing as soon as possible.
Repair and Maintenance
Do not attempt to repair the vestigal lowband filter. Total replacement of the unit is covered by all standard warranties. Tampering with the vestigal low band filter is forbidden by law.

i don't know if this is the correct approach, but lately i've been asking my uncle "what is gonna happen then?" when he tries to correct my approaches to anything around the house. it's all usually related to the kitchen and cooking, but the man cannot cook for the life of him, so i really don't know where got the idea that he can correct me on something i'm proficient on, while his command is tragic at best.
he's always micromanaging me around the kitchen, sometimes just straight up doing shit without asking me, such as throwing away food, that i was about to use (stems from welsh onions that i use as a substitute for chives for instance, but im probably washing a dish so can i chop them after having an available dish to chop them on. also i haaaaate wasting food) or going around giving me what he thinks are harmless "suggestions" that if isolated would probably not bother me at all, but it's the incessantness and repetitiveness of the whole thing is what makes me lose my shit over it. i could have the stove on the lowest setting, slow simmering something and just waiting while also not staring directly at the stove for its duration, which can be hours sometimes but you know, i'm still in the kitchen or in its immediate proximity, i have an alarm on, i'm checking periodically, what have you, but i know what i am doing (i think he thinks i have to stare directly into the stove for hours while slow simmering something lest i BURN DOWN THE WHOLE BLOCK). the man ALWAYS comes in to ask IF I KNOW that i have the stove on lmaoooooo, like what sort of ditzy airhead does he take me for? sometimes i'm extra mindful because i'm super hungry, how could i possibly forget that i'm cooking? just infuriating.
for instance, just a few minutes ago, he tipped me on a plate of habaneros i had slow fried for a crunchy caramelized texture. they have to be cooled off at room temperature for a while so they harden, i was mindful but at the same time casual about it because, i mean: what is actually gonna happen? like what kind of catastrophe will inevitably ensue? (hint: nothing, none). well he came up to me and said "you forgot your chiles, put them away" (general gist of what he told me, but i want to emphasize the usual jittery, borderline terrified pushy demeanor) and i was like "and what about them? they're cooling off, it is intentional, what do you think is going to happen if left on the counter for a few minutes?" he responded with a bunch of nonsense answers but at the same time it was as if he confronted himself with his own ridiculousness and at some point just finally left me alone, went to his room and stopped micromanaging lmao.

What is the diameter of the antenna mounting tube? I'm waiting on my equipment but I'm wondering if I can use the existing Dish mount on the house.

I de-cased a PC to build a virtual pinball cab and the wifi range has gone to almost zero so I can't connect. This wifi adapter was working yesterday so the de-casing either damaged a component or (my guess) the case was acting as an antenna. If it's the latter, please help me figure out how to kludge a new antenna. I can see a couple of nearby networks, so the adapter is still working, but they're at 0-1 bar and it can't connect. I've done reboots and disabled/enabled the adapter. The motherboard is Hp Pavilion 500 Motherboard 716188-001

I've had a Unifi stack for a few years, and in that time my needs have grown and morphed. I'm trying to get things pretty buttoned away now, but I also know I'm generally pretty ignorant, so hopeful for some guidance.
As it is I have 10 networks, each with their own vlan:
Default (this has all my switches, APs and my DNS server)
IOT 1: This has my personal IOT devices
IOT 2: IOT devices that don't belong to me
Trusted 1: My phone/PCs
Trusted 2: Other's phones/PCs
Cameras: My protect cameras
Server: My media/homelab server and a printer (I'm not sure if the printer should maybe be on either an IOT net, or its own)
Secure: Currently nothing, the thought was either VPN out, or trusted devices that I wouldn't want accessing anything local
Guest: Self explanatory
DMZ: Atlas probe
I've got 8 wifi networks:
Trusted 1 2.4/5
Trusted 1 5GHz
Trusted 2 2.4/5
IOT 1 2.4/5GHz
IOT 2 2.4/5GHz
IOT 2 5GHz
Guest (currently disabled) 2.4/5GHz
Cameras 2.4/5GHz
I'd happily simplify the networks through radius or the password choosing the vlan, but I'm sure the best avenue to that, particularly that wouldn't mess things up for older devices.
This is where my ignorance really steps up. Broadly I want the security I can have without screwing up useability.
IoT wise that means I still want Google Home/Chromecast/Alexa to work, ditto Ring/Hubitat/SmartThings/Ecowitt/Hue/Govee/Lutron/whatever I'm missing.
I also want to manage my IoT devices from their matching Trusted network (so Trusted 1 to IoT 1, Trusted 2 to IoT2) as well as Trusted 1 to IoT 2 and IoT 1 to IoT 2. This may be a convoluted mistake. The idea was that I could manage any of the devices from my Trusted net, and my IoT devices could interact with any other IoT but not the other way.
For my server that means being able to stream outside the network, via Plex/Emby (with reverse proxy), and eventually I'll get HomeAssistant and some other toys running on it.
Cameras need connectivity to my UNVR, and I believe possibly my server (for scrypted/Homeassistant) but nothing else.
DMZ/Secure: Fully isolated from anything local, and then whatever the guidance is for a probe.
Even as I typed this I thought 'alright, I can do this' only to look at the new interface on the gateway, and the apparent 102 rules of which most seem to be auto created and just feel my stomach knot up. I think I probably need a very small bit of guidance on unfucking how I'm thinking about it, and a few tips on setup and I can get there, but from the starting point it's daunting.

This will be long AF if I don't bullet point it so here we go for background/timeline:

• I am 27,F
  
• mom divorced my alcoholic, asshole dad in 2019. was already talking to her high school EX
  
• mom bought a 2 family in 2020, had her sister and her partner move into other unit (2020)
  
• moms bf/friend thing moved 5 states basically with a weeks notice to my mom into her house 6 weeks after she closed on the house
  
• I loved said bf before meeting him. once i met him I realized he was using mmy mom for an aide/caregiver. Told my mom immediately and we stopped talking for a few days which isnt like us. She continuously tells me that I am 'too sensitive'. Even though he has made comments about my weight, interests, makes me feel uncomfortable in certain clothing by saying things if I bend over, etc.
  

-2021 BF had a health emergency and surgeries, became even less able bodied than he was, mom has been. Mom has to give him nonstop care

• I got married in 2022, BF grabbed a pin from my maternal pop pop and pinned it on me, taking a moment that should've been for my mom and I. She had to leave my wedding early because he didnt like the chairs/wanted to lay down. I cried for hours.
  
• I got divorced in 2023, had to move back home with her and said BF. I delayed it for months but had to give in. Figured I'd stay until the house check cleared and buy another house and leave (I live states away from my hometown) Moved in Dec 2023. Mom and I had a plan for us to buy a 2 family in my new state by the end of 2024.
  

During all this time: Shes even mentioned that shes not sure if hes going to come with us and that she wished he never came

• Early 2024, mom gets diagnosed with cancer. All prognosis look great but she told him and then immediately asks her to get him a soda. I feel stuck here until she gets betteeven afraid to leave her then.
  
• This week: During the surgery my mom had, I found out from all family that they hate him as well, he never helps with anything. During my moms major surgery recovery, he has asked her to make him food, is now 'sick' himself and it is all revolving around him. I got divorced to not have to take care of a lazy, entitled asshole and now I am having to do it here. He spilled coffee this morning and expected my mom to clean it up. I am at my WITS END. I have snapped at him a few times, not about his lack of help but just random, stupid things he says.
  

TLDR: Living w mom and her BF that she only seems to pity. He is a suck in every way imaginable. I want to move out ASAP but she is fighting cancer and I feel stuck. How do I handle this?
I don't want to stress her out with a conversation about him because I've had them before. While she seems to only pity him, I struggle to ever say "Him or me". What if it's not me? I struggle to speak to him also because he dosent acknowledge anything unless its about his hobbies. He can't walk to bring in a dish but he can carry car parts, etc.
Anyone been in a similar situation or have advice on how to navigate?

Hello, I made a list of everything that is wrong with me and it's driving me crazy. what can you tell about this ? am i weird ? or toxic or something ?

• I really envy certain character traits in people
• I have the need to appropriate everything before someone appropriates something at me
• I hate being belittled by someone or identified with something, it triggers me, I don't know why
• I hate when people disagree with me, and I hate when people oppose to my way of thinking
• I hate people who are too touchy and take everything seriously
• I hate people who want to be the center of attention too much, because it makes me want to steal the spotlight and I don't like that feeling
• I hate when someone other than me gets complimented a lot more
• I compliment my friends only because they won't perceive me as jealous
• I change my image of myself very often, I never see myself the same for a long time
• I tend to love someone very much at the start of a relationship, then become disgusted with them overnight for no reason
• I like talking about myself too much, when others talk about themselves, it bores me or even annoys me
• I tend to hate the people I love suddenly, for something I don't like, often it's when they want to touch my image, or when they don't go my way
• I don't like people who are manipulated and who don't see it
• I don't like people who aren't as intelligent as me, it annoys me
• I don't like it when people neglect me to do something else more important for them
• I don't like seeing people succeed, and it gives me a certain satisfaction to see them fail
• I love myself so much, as I hate myself so much
• I have trouble managing my anger sometimes, I tend to hit objects or things around me when I lose control
• I never manage to completely finish a project, or anything, I always have big ideas, I start to realize them, and I never finish because it bores me
• I am obsessed with certain things, for example I watch the same series or lets play over and over again for days, weeks or even months, or I have weird reflexes which consist of stalking the same person over and over again several times during the day following the same sequence of social networks
• I need things to happen in my life to feel alive
• I have trouble wanting to spend time alone with myself, it makes me anxious just thinking about it
• I can't really accept criticism
• I care a lot about my image
• I think too often about the consequences of each act, to the point of falling into paranoia and inventing very negative outcomes
• I am too pessimistic, I imagine the worst scenarios in any situation, to the point of falling into paranoia again
• I often interpret the actions or words of others in the wrong way
• I often look for the negative

i need your opinions about this, please im so tired, and i know that maybe i have an inferiority complex or something, but im not mean, i swear, i just have all this shit in my head all the time, and im tired, it stress me out

I wondered earlier what the chances were that two brothers, for example, share exactly the same DNA without being twins.
(Perhaps I should point out first that I haven't done basic maths for a very long time and that I have zero knowledge of biology).
Each parent randomly gives one of the two strands of each of these 23 chromosomes.
So if I calculate correctly (which I think could be one of the issue), there's a one in 529 chance that two children with the same parents will have exactly the same genes as identical twins?
It doesn't really seem possible, but I'm not sure what the problem is.
I'm really invested in this issue now, and I don't feel like doing the dishes anyway.

I'm planning on making a protect setup using Cloudkey G2+ (I'm only planning to have 4 cameras) and the Standard 16 PoE switch. My plan is to plug an ethernet cable from an isp provided routemodem into the switch, and then plug the cameras and Cloudkey into it as well.
Would that work? This way I only have to plug in one device (the switch which powers everything).
Are there any better solutions? I was thinking on getting a UDM-SE instead, but that would require me to get access points everywhere (currently using mesh network from modem brand). Are there any benefits?
Btw, I also can get 4gbps fiber for the same price as what I'm paying for my internet current, UDM-SE would be a great routemodem, but don't really see a reason to invest in ubiquiti ap's.
Thanks

Hello everyone! It has been wild watching this sub Reddit blow up since the app update, so I thought I would give my experience as an installer to add to the viewpoint instead of just customer complaints. And no, this isn’t going to be some post about how everyone is wrong, this has been bad. Very bad. Since the update, I have had a multitude of issues pop up, some on Friday and some today.

1. Ive learned to not touch anything with the subs and surrounds when connected to a soundbar or they will not connect again unless you try 6+times. Just today I had to hardwire the sub straight to the router, get it online, then move it to where I wanted it and then it would kick into the wireless. Otherwise, it would not find the network at all.
   
2. most things when you try to add them go only about halfway and do not fully registered to the account. At least with the beam when you try and fix the registration, it will crash the app every time. On multiple different devices I tried this and it crashed every single time except for when it somehow saw the beam.
   
3. changing volumes when you group rooms together is a nightmare now. It is not intuitive at all, and now when you group things together, it does not let you choose between sources that are currently playing. For example, if I was using say an amp in my kitchen for some speakers and my sound bar is tied to my living room, if I tried to pair that while selected on the kitchen, it will just play silence. It will not auto switch to the source that is being used or ask like it used to.
   
4. I have had things disappear from the network completely or add them and say it’s added but not show up, and what I have had to do is either restart my app or shut down my phone completely, only then will it detect properly, and that is not every time.
   

Every device now takes about 4 to 6 tries to fully get it onto the network or online or fully connected. As a installer when you try and talk this up to somebody to buy, it is extremely embarrassing at this point when you have to just say well, the parent company is having issues , it makes you look like the jackass. I am dreading my multiple Sonos amp and sound bar install tomorrow because even just today I had so many issues with device connection.
One of the last things I found was that despite the Wi-Fi being strong and connected to everything, when you go into the settings for each product and look at the wireless information, it is always labeled as unavailable. In conclusion, I think that something about the SonosNet has completely screwed up. if you need to connect anything, I think you need to hardwire it get it connected and then you can put it anywhere that you have your wireless. That is so bad that we have decided to talk to our Sonos rep and let him know we will not be selling any more Sonos until the app is fixed. it is downright embarrassing selling thousands of dollars of equipment that is only working halfway fully. And don’t get me started on rolling out an app that half of the features of the old are not in the new. When I went through my Sonos Academy they had a 20 minute video on the new app and it showed the timeline For this year. There should be no timeline in my opinion, the app shouldn’t have even been pushed until it was finished. I know Sonos will fix this, but it is a issue that shouldn’t have even been started.
Anyway, thank you for listening to my rant. I have been very frustrated at work these last couple days since the update and so have my coworkers, but I still hope that it will get better. I hope it helped having the viewpoint of an installer instead of just clients and consumers.

I know that experience > certs, but sometimes you need certs just to get your foot in the door.
I have 3 years in IT (networking). I have a CCNA got my RHCSA last month, and expect to have AZ104 by the end of this month. I work at an MSP NOC and while we don’t do any DevOps, it looks like we will get some small cloud projects soon. So I’ll be able to get some cloud experience.
After I get my AZ104 what would be the next best cert to get out of the below?

• AZ400
• RHCE
• CKA

While it’s been about 5 years, I did a Front end bootcamp. I forgot a lot but I’ve found that scripting comes pretty easy to me since I did spend time learning React.js, Git, HMTL, CSS, etc. So I’m also itching to pick up Python at some point. Probably wouldn’t be too hard for me to get the basics.

Tl;Dr - are there CS individuals or churches that engage with their communities as Scientists? A bake sale? A fundraiser? A book drive? Anything to say, "we're here, we care, and we have a loving point of view to offer."
Context: I'm part of a "mixed religion" marriage. My husband grew up CS and I grew up Methodist. I realize the CSers I know are just a snapshot, and there is way more variety in thought and practice than I assumed at the beginning. (The work at CherishAbility.com is an amazing of example of CS faith in action and to the test!)
But I've always wondered why CS seems to take "in it, not of it" so literally. It's like a big, delicious secret that no one wants to share. (I'm aware of the periodicals, lectures, and podcasts - but in my exp, most folks have no idea what it is, think it's Scientology, or vaguely reference child deaths / "no doctors")
It makes me sad because the message couldn't be more timely, as people seek mindfulness and recognize the power of thought and question reality through other means.
Where are the outspoken ones? Or why aren't you one? Where's the PR firm? 😅 (I'm aware of the TV network fiasco of the 90s)

My brother works from home and has been living at our Moms house for a while now. My Mom lives separately with her husband in a different state. I have been back here for about 9 months now. When I came back, I was working full time, and had to take care of all of the cleaning around the house. I left that job and took another one until I got fired, a couple months ago. Throughout this entire time, I have been handling cleaning the inside of the house as well as all of the yard work. My brother never offers to help, leaves dishes everywhere, and assumes zero responsibility for any housework, because he pays rent. I have been paying rent, up until the point I got fired. I’ve been looking for a new job consistently, and any gig work I can possibly get.
I have mostly not been able to get along with my Mom, and she often turns him against me. This most recent time, after previously expressing my frustration in a civil manner towards both of them including a couple other family members, I yelled at my brother when he tried to confront me for being loud in the house when he was napping. He immediately went to call the cops and yelled at me to get out of the house. And I did leave, as this is common for them to do whenever we get into any kind of argument. Since she recently visited a week ago and hasn’t left since, she has setup two cameras without my knowledge and my brother has changed the lock on the side gate. I explicitly said that I do not consent to being recorded on camera and I’ve also pointed out to them that they are acting classist towards me and treating me poorly. I’m unemployed, my job should be finding a new one. I can’t even focus or be in peace while doing that, in my own house.

I felt myself getting a little heated in today's CASA group discussions about "trauma." For every 10 times you'll hear that word, "resilience" will come up maybe once. I think most of us are aware of how arm-chairy and buzzworthy trauma and therapy have become. It's one of the latest cultural trends that facilitate a fluidity to presumed-more-informed conversation, without the practice of developing finer lines of understanding and distinction.
On the basis of your invocation of "trauma" you can rush to provide "help" and "services" and begin blaming an incredible amount of "mental health issues" or "unresolved childhoods." It's literally the cliche of a freshman's behavior after enrolling in their first college psychology course on blast. They've already invoked unsubstantiated pseudo-science and pop-culture explicitly not psychology as tools to provide frameworks for understanding your families. When someone infers substance abuse from a story just because the accusation was levied or any kind of drug was referenced at any level, their conclusions or assumptions go unchecked. It's predictably baking a recipe for an unnecessary mess on top of whatever the family is going through.
You can feel the tension every time you speak in "checking" ways. This happens to me routinely. One of the presenters spoke to the biased and incomplete ways that foster parents or aggravated family members might speak to the nature of the case or anyone's character. I pointed out that case managers can leave out details and massage stories to fit their ends as well. That got ignored and we moved right along. It's a real concern, and you need to know how to protect your relationship with someone who might be specifically directed to undermine your effort to advocate with the evidence.
But it doesn't feel "pleasant" or "decent" when you "want to believe the best" about your colleagues. Is it less true? Absolutely not. I was literally forced into that position from predatory supervisors and watched dipshit coworkers skip along those disingenuous lines without hesitation. Anecdotes fawning over better-inclined and capable FCMs do nothing to erase that.
So I started thinking about "discomfort" broadly. Another concept that's been wholesale abused. We needed to be way too on guard for what or whether we said might be a "micro aggression" or would cause someone to feel "unsafe" or "uncomfortable." Again, our pop psychology and propensity to overstate the noisiest out-ragers, made it so critical thinking and doubt became sinful in and of themselves. Facts don't matter in that space. "Being heard" is afforded only if you're claiming victimhood, but then, only victimhood of a certain type. The own-goal that is reactionary politics when you forgo any genuine attempt at taking someone's, almost certainly mostly irrational but nonetheless real, concern seriously is the ongoing consequence we get to suffer.
I think the more you practice observing conversational patterns, word choices, and trends, you can start to see previously "abstract" things considerably more acutely. One thing I notice is a propensity for "moving right along." I don't care what the topic is, there's a "normal" pace and pater that is preferred. Violate that, and it's time to move on. Point out the failings of the people you're supposed to trust most or even ingratiate yourself to? Let's move right along into the next module, as we all know there's nothing much more to say about that.
Another pattern I notice is the "taken aback pause." It's not precisely a reaction to being "offended," but it's a stark enough detail or way of relaying information that who you're speaking with was not prepared to engage that intensely. If they're quick, it'll be a brink-of-condescending acknowledgement before moving-right-along, or if they're not quick, it'll be a placating obfuscating of what you said to "even things out."Again, these are imprecise norms of conversational behavior around the particulars of one culture at one point in time, but they're real and of consequence whether or not you can see them.
When we use the word "bias," we let ourselves off the hook on the myriad ways it manifests. We let "bias" obscure in the opposite way that we let "trauma" obscure. Trauma is abused to over-explain what should be considered a necessary series of responses or consequences. Bias is abused to overlook how deeply it colors your propensity to engage that over-explaining behavior. You are biased, first and foremost, to your subjective experience of reality. In my experience, almost no one is that clued into their own flow of experience. Even the ones that are, or are showing the most growth and evidence, struggle, and will struggle indefinitely. This includes myself.
That's the point, though. You need the struggle to keep your wits about you. You need appropriate stressors against the things that will help you grow and incorporate. By definition, norms put that insistence to the side so we can all find a baseline mutual understanding to move right along down. The more cliched you sound, if you don't have a reflex to pause and pull back, the more you're training yourself to believe and act on "just whatever it is you say." You're a circular and totalitarian monster by default.
Add to that, you may not have any real ability or willingness to recognize how many cliches you truly are under the spell of. This is what the unironic attempts around discussions of "privilege" do a generally miserable job of explaining. We all have privileges up and down hierarchies and competencies and dozens of other metrics we fluidly transition through all day. None are necessarily going to jar you awake or indicate there's anything worth examining on their own. Your cohort speaks your language. Your education taught you the "right" things. Your hobbies and interests conform to a person of your state and stature. "It's just how things are done."
This provokes people's insecurity as a standing state of a lack of readiness. When you poke people, you'll find they don't have "real" reasons for their behavior, beliefs, or words. It's all been handed to them. They're a series of unconscious forces they're more or less molding to because that's how our brains work. Your brain doesn't care what it forms a pattern around, just that it can do so. There's survival reasons for this, as well as a story of basic capacities to function regardless of the nature of the environment that's all-but certain to otherwise kill you if you can't figure it out.
I, routinely, provoke that insecurity. I've learned to show considerably less ambivalence about the person after they've been provoked, but it happens just as an ongoing and predictable course of my practice. This is my practice. I analyze. I pull back. I try to identify and speak to patterns, even if they're abstract, but certainly concrete enough for me to anticipate them and work with or around them. I know what kind of response I need built into what I can reliably anticipate is going to be yours. I know how to piss off and get ignored by "the internet," and I know how to illicit a thousand likes. What's important to me is that I'm speaking as closely to my real perspective or agenda as possible, and not being driven by an elusive brain chemical game subject to the mercy of algorithms or inarticulate desires to unhealthily fit in.
I want to fit in, but with an ever-winnowing type of person. I want to be less-wrong in the information I share, but not at the expense of someone's capacity to hear it or learn from it if I can't be bothered to temper how I say it. I want to grow in my capacity to accept people, but not at the expense of their obligation to better account for and relay their own experience. I've been told my whole life that I'm not allowed to expect the same things from other people as I might of myself. I think this is fundamentally wrong and condescending. I think I should maintain the expectation while doing everything in my power to reduce the barriers to any one person getting to whatever heights you think I've managed or been born with.
Here again, we stay lost. How do you remove barriers you can't see or might even be dispositionally against even acknowledging can exist altogether? How many "boot straps" types can even be bothered to acknowledge the impact of the villages they're living in? How many "deeply empathic" people would entertain pairing their sensibilities to the word "toxic" under any circumstance? It's pretty easy, now, for me to see when my forthright manner acts as too blunt an instrument. Can you see where your baseline disposition and sympathies cloud your judgment and capacity to act more accountably?
I feel like "accountable" itself is poorly understood. Just count! Count the disquieting contradictory thought. Count the intensity, frequency, and severity of the feelings. Count the attempts to mitigate or times you recognized forgoing to do so. Accountability doesn't mean wildly wielding an axe to bring down dramatic consequences upon everything and everyone that wasn't noticed until now. It's just asking yourself, over and over again, what can I control about this situation? What can I act on that speaks to my values and perception?
Let's take the real world example of me and Byron. I can't control his perception of what he thought he was doing in service to the kid. I can't control his awareness of any creeping mental health issues that might have arisen. I can't control whether or not he responds affirmatively to my new boundaries. I could control telling him what those boundaries were altogether, so I did. I can affirm that I'm only going to communicate along the lines that hopefully help the boundary conditions get met before I'm willing to get more colloquial or back to friendly. I can respect that he told me our friendship is "invaluable." I can't truthfully say I think we'd be using that word in a mutually understood way until I see practical, tangible effects upon my life that counteract where I feel I am as a direct result of my expression of friendship getting grossly taken advantage of.
Until then, I'll treat him like I would any client. Show me. I'll patiently-enough nod along, provide whatever perspective or reframe that I can, and remain open to demonstrated behavior changes. I don't have to throw myself back into his fire. If I'm going to claim a desire to protect and maintain genuine friendships or care for those in my life, I'm not going to treat myself with the ambivalence I see others suffer from themselves every day.
I choose that level of discomfort. I only mildly complain today, as it's gotten dramatically better, about doing things alone and never having anyone to hang out with. Byron was my go-to spot for killing time or hanging out. Not once in my free time have I said, "You know, fuck my boundary, let's hang out there!" How could I look myself in the mirror? How could I advocate for you establishing better boundaries with people in your life? How could I ignore what I would characterize as gleeful and willful defiance of doing "better" than playing out battered-wife excuse making? I will not play-act friendship with someone who can't be bothered to work as hard on themselves or in service to me as I've been for them. That's not the kind of friend I am, so it's not the one I'll let back in lightly.
What's normal, though? No matter how bad someone fucks you, forgive and pretend to forget, right? They're "family." Life's too short. It is what it is. They didn't mean to or weren't aware. That's not who they were in the past. Holding grudges is unhealthy. Your insecurities around being isolated or alone betray you. Your obligation to play along and appease your mutual network takes over. Whether any real healing or mutual understanding comes into the equation is perfectly mute because we need to just move right along and "love each other."
I watch that dance justify literally every conceivable level of atrocity. It is the exact same self-servicing motivatedly ignorant pattern. From your god's behavior right on down through your secret satisfaction and smirk at punishing your pet a little too aggressively just that one time. What you don't account for counts on you to carry out its consequences. And you are, every day, in big and small ways, and it's predictable and fixable, but only with stuff like this. You have to own it. You have to "yes, and" like it's an improv class. You have to perpetually entertain the thought that you are a misguided monster, but that fact doesn't have to dictate your behavior going forward nor need to illicit some special amount of stress or talking in circles.
Then you might have a prayer of genuinely helping anything, because you see how you're otherwise fucking it up within yourself. You can resist the insistence to move past meaningful details. You can point to specific repeatable demonstrations of your values. You can see other people responding to your confidence of relatable recognizable capacity, and not the shadow game of peacocking virtue signaling and mantra echoing.
I will spend thousands of dollars, use all my tools, and spend every waking hour I have trying to help. I think most people I've met would say the same thing. Who is actually doing so? And in service to whom? Do you trust what drives them? Do you see equitable put in get out dynamics? Or is it codepedence? Or insecurity? Or some noble story of infinite sacrifice and unconditional love?
I'm willing to set the conditions because I expect better than what's normal of and for myself. Were circumstances reversed, I wouldn't treat you as I've been treated, and most importantly, have the demonstrated behavior from myself to trust. I've spent the time and money. I've opened the conversations. I've challenged the mismanaged powers and privileges. I've risen to the challenge of creating circumstances that inch me closer to what I actually want or think is better versus what's expected of me. It never ends. Every second you pretend otherwise, you disappear, and I have to fit your abstract abdication into my specific constructs.

A bit of information:
Me(30f) stays home with our two toddlers while my husband (35m) works either five 8 hour or four 12 hour shifts of work at a non labour intensive job. I do all the cooking, cleaning, errands, grocery shopping, and appointments and most of the child rearing. I don’t ask him to do laundry, dishes, floors etc. Our oldest child is challenging as she is autistic. I had a job but he found it difficult to do what I do, his words, so I had to quit.
And now to the problem. I have to ask to spend any amount of money. Doesn’t matter if it’s for diapers, groceries or a coffee. I have to ask if it’s $2 or $200. I also have to say exactly what I spend it on. So if I go to Tim Hortons and get a coffee and donut but only say hey I’m going to Tim Hortons for a coffee I get in trouble because I lied since I didn’t mention the donut. He gets notified on his phone of how much and where I spend any money so I don’t think I should have to tell him exactly what I buy. I don’t buy clothes for myself or anything like that. He also times how long I’m gone. If I say I’m going to get groceries at Walmart but also stop at the dollar store next to Walmart, I lied and he can’t trust me. If I say I’m going to my drs appointment and stop to grab a coffee or a carton of milk as well, I lied since I didn’t say I was stopping. Then there are the times where I’ll hear a child cry so I’ll send him to check on them and he will say they aren’t crying and I need to quit lying. Or I’ll say there is dishes everywhere and he will say I’m lying because they are only on the counter and the table.
At this point I don’t know if I’m actually lying or subconsciously doing it because I’m scared of how he will react. I don’t think it’s lying if I grab two things instead of one…
I’m miserable and I tell him that but he says he’s happy and if I leave he will make sure I don’t get the kids. I do love him but I hate feeling like I’ll get in trouble for every little thing I do. I feel like a child when I’m an adult….