Round 8 deadline: Wednesday 15th May, 9pm GMT

Hi everyoneeee! Once again, the results for the last round were predictable, with one episode ending up with significantly more votes than the others. So, let's find out which one is leaving on this round.
...
Home. It was 1 vote away from leaving us in round 7, and now it's time for it to go. It gathered 5 votes, while all other episodes which were voted for only got 2 or 1.
Which episode will go next? It's up to youuuuu.
Vote for the episode that you like *the least. The episode that gathers the most votes will be eliminated with the **26th place in this game. Make sure you have watched all episodes before voting and don't vote more than once. (I don't think you can anyway)*

VOTE IN ROUND 8 HERE

Round 7 results
Episodes Alive: (SPOILERS!!!)
S1E1 - Who Do You Think You Are?:

• Alison and Mike inherit Button House
• Ghosts haunt them
• Captain annoyed at Fanny screaming

S1E2 - Gorilla War:

• Mike starts renovating house
• Ghosts annoy Alison
• Alison accepts ghosts as real

S1E3 - Happy Death Day:

• Pat's death day, family visit
• Kitty asks where babies come from
• Captain & Julian try to get rid of builders

S1E5 - Moonah Ston:

• Beg-Chetwyns visit for dinner party
• Captain & Mary help kill/prepare pheasant
• Ghosts do Moonah Ston ritual & watch Friends

S1E6 - Getting Out:

• Alison & Mike consider selling to hotel chain
• Ghosts think of plans to make money
• Captain leaves ghosts

S2E3 - Redding Weddy:

• Captain flashback
• A&M clear garden
• Fanny fancies Mike
• Pat keeps ghosts occupied (moon landing video, volleyball)

S2E4 - The Thomas Thorne Affair:

• Thomas death flashbacks
• Mike worries about meeting Alison's ex

S2E5 - Bump in the Night:

• Alison goes out
• Burglars break into house
• Ghosts try to warn Mike

S2E6 - Perfect Day:

• Claire & Sam wedding
• Pat recognises Keith from his death
• Claire nervous about wedding

S2E7 - The Ghost of Christmas:

• Mike's family visit for Xmas, parents help too much
• Julian feels guilty about avoiding family at Xmas
• Alison gets presents for ghosts

S3E1 - The Bone Plot:

• TV crew making documentary about Humphrey (death flashback)
• Julian thinks Barclay is having heart attack
• Pat tries to make Fanny & Captain laugh
• Thomas prepares Alison for interview

S3E2 - A Lot to Take In:

• Alison meets Lucy
• Julian remembers first day as ghost
• Mike starts new job
• Kitty & Pat dance

S3E3 - The Woodworm Men:

• A&M camp outside during fumigation
• Kitty watches Grease

S3E4 - I Love Lucy:

• Captain spies on Lucy
• Julian changes Mike's emails
• Fanny has affair with Humphrey's body

S3E5 - Something to Share?:

• Kitty shares story about ball
• Mike tries to find way to see ghosts

S3E6 - Part of the Family:

• Mike films promotional video
• Ghosts find out Lucy is lying
• Ghosts do drama/improvisation club

S4E2 - Speak as ye Choose:

• Annie teaching Mary to say what she wants flashback
• Kitty shows Captain how to live in moment
• Thomas goes cold turkey on Alison addiction
• Mike's old friends stay at gatehouse

S4E3 - The Hardest Word:

• A&M try to have relaxing day
• Ghosts make apology song

S4E4 - Gone Gone:

• Pat cheers Kitty up over Mary moving on
• Mike organises children's birthday party last minute
• Alison helps ghosts deal with their feelings about Mary

S4E6 - Not Again:

• Robin's death flashback
• Mike buys giant bear
• Kitty starts talking by saying opposite of what she means

S4E7 - It's Behind You:

• Ghosts put on panto
• Alison shows Pat old VHS recordings
• A&M get stuck in traffic on way to parents

S5E1 - Fools:

• Alison does April Fool's pranks on ghosts
• Insurance company person investigates insurance claim for fire

S5E3 - Pineapple Day:

• Ghosts figure out how Kitty died
• Mike discusses selling land with Barclay
• Thomas, Julian & Humphrey want blue plaque
• Kitty watches 'Is It Cake?'

S5E4 - En Français:

• Ghosts try playing game shows
• French woman visits with translator to see land
• Flashback of Robin learning French from Sophie

S5E5 - Carpe Diem:

• A&M have spontaneous night out
• Robin thinks someone will move on before midnight
• Fanny & Julian make most of possible last day
• Captain's death flashback

S5E6 - Last Resort:

• A&M decide whether to keep or sell house
• Obi shows up having been dumped by Brenda
• Kitty struggles to keep secret of baby's sex
• Pat & Robin fight over weather lady

Eliminated Episodes:
34th place: S5E7 - A Christmas Gift
33rd place: S5E2 - He Came!
32nd place: S2E1 - The Grey Lady
31st place: S2E2 - About Last Night
30th place: S4E5 - Poached Guests
29th place: S4E1 - Happy Holiday
28th place: S1E4 - Free Pass
27th place: S5E2 - Home

Been thinking about my one who got away today. The attraction between us was world-stopping, and the more we got to know each other, the more we fell in love.
Even though we knew it was the hormones talking, we couldn't get enough of each other. We just clicked, on every level.
But, for complicated reasons, we couldn't be together. There was a moment where it all seemed possible and it was like the sun was shining into my life. And then it faded and it just never happened. We never even got to spend a single night together.
We're still in touch at Christmas and on birthdays. But I don't think I'll ever experience that intensity, and that connection, again.
Who was your one who got away? Are you still in touch? Did you ever really get over them?

Hey there! This is Saun
Let me be honest upfront - I gotta admit, I'm feeling a little burnt out on the social scene here. Don't get me wrong, I love my country, but lately, it feels like everyone's competing in aCringe Olympics. You know, the kind of interactions where respect goes out the window, and people just try to one-up each other with negativity? Ugh.😭
I'm craving something different. Deep down, I believe there are still awesome people out there who value genuine connection. Folks who want to have conversations that go beyond the superficial, where we can share our thoughts and feelings freely, knowing the other person will actually listen and care. 😊
That's why I decided to give a try of the idea of a pen-pal app, where letters take time to travel based on distance, really resonates with me. It feels like it forces us to slow down, to put more thought and heart into what we write. Maybe even cultivate a friendship that unfolds with the anticipation of a real letter arriving in your mailbox.
So, if you're someone who appreciates a good conversation, who isn't afraid to be vulnerable and share your true self, and who wouldn't mind a friend who's always down to explore new ideas and perspectives, then drop me a line!
I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to interests, but I'm particularly passionate about Travel, Fitness and Gaming. Who knows, maybe we'll discover some hidden common ground!
Looking forward to meeting you!
Best, Saun ♥️♥️♥️
Mostly reply time will be 1 week with medium to long letters.😊
Just wanted to share feelings about our lives and feel vulnerable. I am huge into gaming and travelling so if you are one of these we are CRUSING!!
Just looking for a kind person because my life is surrounded by toxic people and cant get out of it

• What are some ways you show your friends that you care about their feelings?
  
• For the music lover: What's a genre of music you've always been curious about but haven't explored yet? Maybe we can swap recommendations(spotify blend)!!!!
  
• Is there a cultural tradition or belief you hold dear that you'd like to share?
  
• Tell me about a time you had your perspective completely changed by someone else's experience.
  
• What's the most embarrassing (but funny in hindsight) cultural faux pas you've ever made while traveling (or even in your own country)?
  

Alright, I'll let you get back to your fascinating life (or maybe you're just avoiding another cringe Olympics?). Drop me a line whenever you're ready to chat. Until then, take care!

The master of ceremonies glanced at the paper in his hand, and a glimpse of confusion showed on his face.
Something was wrong.
“And the third and last team representing Farcrest. Lowell’s Orphanage!”
Elincia clung to my arm, fear and impotence reflected in her expression. We were supposed to be called Rosebud Fencing Academy during the tournament. I clenched my jaw and glanced across the pavilion, giving [Awareness] free rein. Lord Osgiria gave me a mocking look.
I cursed. Among the nobility, everything was appearances. The fact that Farcrest had to resort to a poor orphanage for representation spoke badly about the state of affairs in the territory. The nobles around us exchanged funny looks.
“Keep your heads up. That’s our call,” I said, loud enough for the whole pavilion to hear us. If nobles thought this would weigh upon our shoulders, they were wrong.
Ilya took position by my right as the team captain, and we entered the crescent-shaped arena. The cheering died. Our magnificent uniforms didn’t fool the crowd anymore. I reached the Marquis's side and saluted the VIP box. Only after Prince Adrien started applauding did the rest of the nobles acknowledge our presence.
The commoners in the stands hesitated to cheer for us. This wasn’t a gentle world. They didn’t care about the kid’s feelings. I glanced over my shoulder. Wolf was unfazed, and Zaon moved his lips, repeating, ‘Nervous is good’ repeatedly. Firana, on the other hand, was furious.
“Tough crowd, uh?” I muttered.
“It’s only expected. Orphans don’t get good classes. There is no reason to cheer for us,” Ilya replied with a grin. “Yet.”
Did she look so mature back at the carriage?
The crowd’s attention lingered on us for an instant before the next team entered the arena. To my surprise, a single team represented the royal family: a group of cadets from the Imperial Academy. Five young cadets dressed in plain black, guided by Holst, entered the arena. The crowd came back to life. Considering the opulence of the other teams, the uniforms of the Imperial Academy cadets were disappointing. Even my group was better suited to the occasion.
Holst stood by my left, saluting the stands with a dull gesture.
“Robert Clarke, good to see you still among the living,” he greeted me with a bored tone.
His words, however, sent a shiver down my spine. Did he know assassins had tried to kill me a few days before? Captain Kiln had sworn to keep it a secret. The coincidences piled up. Holst knew about the attack and asked Lyra Jorn’s help with the library when Luzian Abei had a small army of Scholars and Scribes at his disposal. I couldn’t help but think Holst was still in contact with the culprit.
“Preceptor Holst,” I coldly greeted, my brain too busy to formulate a more wordy sentence.
“I didn’t expect to meet my former students,” he added, looking past me at Ilya and the kids. “Certainly not in these circumstances.”
I swallowed my anger. This was a golden opportunity for the orphanage. Watching the skill of the imperial cadets could help me understand why Sir Janus had been the only commoner in Farcrest to assist the Imperial Academy. Even if we lost the tournament, we could improve our chances of getting them accepted into the Imperial Academy, putting them in the same echelon as nobles.
“Do you trust the ability of your current students to win the tournament?” I asked, examining the cadet’s faces. Three humans, a half-elf, and a harpy. They didn’t seem thrilled to be part of the tournament.
Holst laughed.
“These idiots aren’t my students. These five failed their first year. If they don’t win the tournament, they will be kicked out of the Academy,” he replied, shrugging. “For failures like them, I’d say they are the favorites to win the tournament.”
A glance at the Imperial Academy team revealed their strong shoulders and steady feet. Despite the lack of fashion, they looked like trained warriors instead of pampered noble kids. Their faces had lost the roundness of childhood, and their calm demeanor and sharp eyes revealed an intense training regime. I hoped not to bump into them until the later rounds of the tournament.
Our conversation was cut short because the Osgirian teams entered the arena. First, Lord Osgiria, then Lord Nara, and finally, a man dressed as a knight, followed by a group of kids in mismatched uniforms—each one with the colors of their respective houses. Lord Osgiria stood by Holst's side and greeted the VIP box.
If Captain Kiln were right, our team would fight Lord Nara in the first round. I expected the man to be a merchant with a comically large belly. Instead, he looked like a cunning gray fox. I had to remind myself that buying a way into nobility required a skillful negotiator.
“Three teams, Lord Osgiria? You don’t seem too confident in your chances,” Holst casually said.
The Imperial Academy had to be a powerhouse within the kingdom because Lord Osgiria swallowed any snarky remark.
Lord Herran, a tall and muscular redhead dressed in full warrior attire, entered next. I remembered him from the feast—boisterous, talkative, determined. The black mana-repelling axe hung from his belt, causing my stomach to feel sick if I looked for too long. House Herran only had two teams, one led by Lord Herran himself and the other by a man who could be his twin. Only half of the team members were human; the other half were different flavors of beast folk.
More than half of the kids had bright red hair like their lord. I wondered if red hair was a dominant gene in the Herran Dukedom because the kids looked healthy. There was not a trace of the infamous Habsburg chin. They were tall and robust like their lord.
I tried to glance at the axe’s runes, but Lord Herran was too far away.
“That’s lord Herran and his army of copperhead bastards,” Holst pointed out, laughing at his joke.
I doubted that having a dozen children the same age was normal, even more so for a noble, considering how difficult succession could be. Lord Herran must’ve loved to spread his genes.
“It’s okay for him to present his… illegitimate kids in an official event like this?” I asked.
“Do you like gossip, Robert Clarke?” Holst raised an eyebrow.
“I like to be informed,” I replied.
Holst seemed satisfied with my answer.
“Lord Herran is one of the few Combat Prestige Classes in the kingdom. He has the [Conqueror] Class,” Holst replied. “It’s only natural that he can do whatever he wants. Not even the king has enough power over Lord Herran to stop his… reproductive impulses.”
I nodded. The relationship between the royal house and the great three dukedoms was more complex than I initially thought. According to the stories, Combat Prestige Classes were, in essence, one-man armies that could create whole countries around their power. I wondered what kind of monsters the royal army found in the Deep Farlands to be obliged to retreat.
After Lord Herra, Lord Gairon entered the arena. The Gairon House was arguably the second most powerful family after the royal house, and their uniforms reflected their status. The blue was rich and deep, and the gold shone under the winter sun, seemingly casting the few clouds away. The crowd yelled and cheered. It wasn’t surprising. Lord Gairon was a tall, tanned man with hair the color of ripe wheat—the perfect poster boy and leader of the anti-war faction.
“He has to go down if we want the royal faction to have a chance,” Holst said.
It suddenly hit me. Holst and I technically supported the same faction.
“Lord Gairon is also a Prestige Class?” I asked.
“A [Sacred Knight], yes. Rumor says he reached the mythic level sixty,” Holst replied. “Let’s hope their teams are more… farming inclined.”
The crowd became more tame after the three big houses made their entrance. Lord Vedras received less than half of House Gairon’s support, probably because of the tax disputes between Farcrest and the Vedras dukedom. He had brought three teams.
Duke Jorn’s presence almost caused the arena to become completely silent—Holst told me he was also a high-level Prestige Class, a Shadow Stalker.
“That sounds dangerous,” I pointed out.
“Sellen Jorn is one of the most dangerous men in the kingdom. His mere existence was enough for the king to create a whole new duchy,” Holst said. “Take an Assassin and a Shadow Fencer, mix them, double their powers, and then double them again. That’s a Shadow Stalker in a nutshell.”
I tried to imagine it. The Assassin who attacked the orphanage would have had a hard time with any class without a skill like my mana blades. I had been lucky to have a favorable matchup against him; otherwise, I might have been dead. His capacity to disable my movement was scarily effective. A man with the skills of an Assassin and a Shadow Fencer had dangerous implications.
“Prince Adrien wanted Sellen Jorn as his Master of Assassins, but he didn’t want to leave his people in the north,” Holst said. “Walls, doors, bars, locks, nothing can stop a Shadow Stalker. Only the woven barrier of several high-level Fortifiers can stop him. Or so it’s said.”
Gears turned inside my skull. I wondered if Duke Jorn was involved in the disappearance of the evidence of Raudhan’s poisoning. He certainly had the skill to move unnoticed through the Great Hall. Stealing a box with shards of glass would be a walk in the park for him.
The rest of the teams passed in a blur as my mind reviewed the party's events. Sellen Jorn was undoubtedly suspicious. His lack of presence was as unnerving as it was useful for an infiltration mission. Could he be involved in Raudhan’s poisoning? Lord Vedras had denied the existence of any co-conspirators, and we were almost entirely sure that Raudhan hadn’t been poisoned by Ashroot.
Duke Jorn's political positioning was hard to determine. The northern dukedoms were poor, and just like Farcrest, they served as a bulwark against the Monster Surges. Four families controlled most of the kingdom’s economy and politics. House Gairon, House Herran, House Osgiria, and the Royal Family. The northern dukedoms didn’t benefit from the current trade routes and wouldn’t directly benefit from a new trade route into the Kingdom of Tagabiria.
However, they would benefit from a closer relationship with the royal family.
Duke Jorn had no reason to poison Captain Kiln.
Ilya tugged the sleeve of my jacket, bringing me back to the present. The master of ceremonies was finishing a long speech about the legacy of Stephaniss of Farcrest, the previous lord of the city and the Marquis's grandfather. Even the Marquis seemed bored.
“Prince Adrien will draw the matches for the first round!” The master of ceremonies announced.
Prince Adrien came forward, and an assistant brought a glass bowl filled with small wooden rods. He put his hand in the bowl, picked one randomly, and passed it to his companion. The woman dressed in purple read it out loud, her voice magically amplified. Her pleasant contralto voice made me think she was a singer.
“House Nara versus…” she received the second wooden rod. “Lowell’s Orphanage!”
Just like Captain Kiln had warned me.
I didn’t expect us to be the opening fight. The other teams returned to the pavilion, and a group of Scribes carried the System Shrine Shard embedded in its copper nest to the center of the arena. I assumed it was there to ensure all participants met the requirements for the tournament.
“Let’s go, team,” I said.
We formed next to the Shrine Shard and in front of Lord Nara’s team. The master of ceremonies activated the blue orb, and the kids' names, classes, and levels appeared before us. Luckily, Lord Nara and I were exempt from the crystal ability. Being outed as a Runeweaver wasn’t part of my plans.
Belya Nara, Geomancer Lv.3
Arel Nara, Warrior Lv.5
Lino, Soldier Lv.9
Jan, Archer Lv.3
Aiwin, Courier Lv.7
Firana Aias, Wind Fencer Lv.1
Ilya, Hunter Lv.2
Zaon, Classless Lv.1
Wolf, Classless Lv.1
The System prompts might have been big enough for the crowd to read because a murmur rose from the stands. I didn’t need [Awareness] to understand the commotion. Half of my team was classless in a world where Classes were everything. Lord Nara also seemed to notice the discrepancy between our teams.
“I’m feeling generous today, Mister Caretaker. I will gladly accept your surrender and spare you the embarrassment if you apologize for wasting our time,” Lord Nara said with a mellow, totally fake voice. “You can save the kids the shame of losing in front of their countrymen.”
The master of ceremonies looked at me.
“What do you think, Ilya?” I asked.
“The team is ready, Mister Clarke. We fight,” she replied without any hint of doubt.
Despite Lord Nara’s clever expression, he was underestimating us. I couldn’t blame him. He had lived all his life in a world where value was determined by class and level. Developing an eye for people wasn’t as helpful as on Earth, where it could mean the difference between life and death.
“We fight,” I said.
“Don’t say I didn’t extend the courtesy of an honorable withdrawal,” Lord Nara grinned, his fox-like eyes turned into thin lines.
The master of ceremonies nodded.
“The Rules are simple. The team that loses the coin toss has to choose its first fighter, and then the winning team chooses its opponent. Then, the roles change. Every team has two picks and two counter picks, for a total of four fighters,” the master of ceremonies explained, pulling a gold coin from the pocket.
I nodded. There was a level of strategy involved in the pairing phase. I could pair Firana against their weakest member to ensure a vast point difference. Or I could choose Zaon to keep things equalized. If I were Lord Nara, I would leave the Lv.7 Courier outside the selection. As fast as they were, they weren’t a combatant Class, but on the other hand, even non-combatants could develop useful masteries.
Zaon had a good matchup against the Soldier and the Warrior, as their combat skills were on the ‘basic’ side of the spectrum. However, the Archer, the Geomancer, and the Courier could present a problem to him. Wolf also had a bad matchup against the Archer and the Geomancer because he relied on solid and static positioning to use his muscles. Ilya and Firana had good matchups against the enemy team, but the enemy Geomancer worried me the most. She wasn’t just an Advanced Class, but a relative of Lord Nara.
“Here goes the coin,” the master of ceremonies said. He threw it high and caught it mid-flight.
Lord Nara kindly offered me the call.
“Heads,” I replied with a grin.
“Heads,” the master of ceremonies said, revealing the coin.
[Awareness] didn’t disappoint, but I made a mental note to keep it hidden from Ilya. She wouldn’t be on board with blatant cheating, even if we had the disadvantage. As cunning as Ilya was, strategy and cheats were completely different.
Lord Nara huffed. “Lino, you go first.”
The Soldier kid stepped forward. He was tall, probably a year older than my kids, but [Awareness] told me he was nervous. Soldier Class was painfully close to no class at all.
“Zaon, you go first. Is that okay with you?” I said, hoping the combination of Light-Footed and Lv.2 Longsword Mastery would match a Lv.9 Soldier with a couple of skills under his sleeve.
Zaon nodded.
It was my turn to choose and Lord Nara’s turn to counter-pick. “Ilya, you go second,” I said.
Ilya came forward, prompting a laugh from the rival Fighter.
“Do you want to fight the gnome, Arel?” Lord Nara asked.
“Yes, my lord. I’m confident I can get a ten-point lead over a Gnome Hunter,” Arel Nara replied.
A vein popped on Ilya’s forehead.
“Good. I chose my cousin Arel Nara for the second fight,” Lord Nara said.
Then, Lord Nara selected the Archer boy for the third fight, which put me in a tough spot. The Archer and the Geomancer were hard matchups for Wolf, and I lacked a fifth or sixth member to play around it. Nonetheless, the Archers weren’t known for their vast arsenal of skills.
“Wolf, you go against him,” I said.
Wolf nodded.
“Which leaves us with the last pair,” Lord Nara said with a mocking smile.
“Firana, you go last,” I said.
“Belya, my daughter, will be my last pick,” Lord Nara replied.
The dueling pairs were ready.
“So be it. The tournament's first match will be between Lino the Soldier and Zaon the Elf,” the master of ceremonies said, his voice suddenly amplified again as the Scribes took the System Shrine orb away. “Contestants, please go get your equipment. May the System bless you all.”
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I've only done one other LotR comparison post about Denna's ring, Quenya Vilya
This one's about the Wandering Wizard.

‘The Grey Pilgrim?’ said Frodo. ‘Had he a name?’
‘Mithrandir we called him in elf-fashion,’ said Faramir, ‘and he was content. Many are my names in many countries, he said. "Many are my names in many countries. Mithrandir among the Elves, Tharkûn to the Dwarves; Olórin I was in my youth in the West that is forgotten, in the South Incánus, in the North Gandalf, to the East I go not."

Lanre at Drossen Tor, Menda-who-is-Tehlu and Encanis, Lanre vs Selitos. All pulled from LotR. Gandalf the Grey as Taborlin, wandering wizard who defeats the 'great beast' at the highest peak but pays for it with his life, returns from the dead but now he's all in white, the wielder of the "secret fire" who threw the demon down into the pit and cast himself in after it. The one who removes the skin dancer from the King.
He is Saruman, but not. The same way that Menda is Tehlu, but not. He returns from beyond death and restores the flickering flame of hope, and he gains a greater sight.

The old man was too quick for him. He sprang to his feet and leaped to the top of a large rock. There he stood, grown suddenly tall, towering above them. His hood and his grey rags were flung away. His white garments shone...
They all gazed at him. His hair was white as snow in the sunshine; and gleaming white was his robe; the eyes under his deep brows were bright, piercing as the rays of the sun; power was in his hand. Between wonder, joy, and fear they stood and found no words to say.
At last Aragorn stirred. ‘Gandalf !’ he said. ‘Beyond all hope you return to us in our need! What veil was over my sight? Gandalf !’ Gimli said nothing, but sank to his knees, shading his eyes.
He laid his hand on Gimli’s head, and the Dwarf looked up and laughed suddenly. ‘Gandalf !’ he said. ‘But you are all in white!’
‘Yes, I am white now,’ said Gandalf. ‘Indeed I am Saruman, one might almost say, Saruman as he should have been. But come now, tell me of yourselves! I have passed through fire and deep water, since we parted. I have forgotten much that I thought I knew, and learned again much that I had forgotten. I can see many things far off, but many things that are close at hand I cannot see. Tell me of yourselves!’

I said it in my previous LotR post, these roots run DEEP. Just look into the Maiar lore compared to the Ruach and you can't unsee it. Lol Gandalf's sword is even 'a hammer' like Menda/Tehlu. Love it when all the little details fit all snug like that.
Great stuff.
Incánus
The White Rider

He was two dozen feet from me, but I could see him perfectly in the fading light of sunset. I remember him as clearly as I remember my own mother, sometimes better. His face was narrow and sharp, with the perfect beauty of porcelain. His hair was shoulder length, framing his face in loose curls the color of frost. He was a creature of winter’s pale. Everything about him was cold and sharp and white.

Me 40m have wanted to kill myself since I was a little kid. Never felt like anyone loved me… didn’t really feel like my parents loved me they both vastly prefer their other kid from their other marriages much more than me. I was always just kind of in the way, wanting any attention, and just cried it out I guess. Get through school, somehow didn’t kms then. Changed schools too many times never had lasting friends, still felt like I was just used and tolerated by everyone in my life anyways.
More time, out of school, get married to my wife and have my son. The years were fine I thought, I thought we were living how normal people do, ups and downs. 15 years in, my wife flips on me, lies to my face day after day, acted like a totally different person, cheats on me multiple times, used me for money, and we get a divorce. It was terrible, wish I wasn’t born to avoid how much it hurt.
I never had someone in my life to talk to, never really thought anyone gave a shit about me until her. The betrayal and her just flipping on me, 15 years of this world, fighting together against it with her. I thought we were a good team. Other people would also comment on our relationship saying it seemed healthier and better than most. I felt the same.
Suddenly treating me like an enemy out of nowhere was so confusing and painful. She had devices logged in that she forgot that enabled me to see the full extent of it all, long after she moved out I watched them. It was awful. It’s all I think about and it was so bad. The one person I thought cared about me somehow orchestrated the most painful thing that I’ve ever felt. Nobody has hurt me and betrayed me so much, not even close.
Skip a few years and we are back together. She has apologized and owned up to it all, said it wasn’t me, that she was crazy and in the worst mental health state she had ever experienced. She seems genuine and treats me better than I deserve. But that doesn’t make sense, nobody can be that cruel without motive. The damage is done. I would have already made quick use of my gun on myself but I can’t do that to my son?
It’s been like 2 years back together, I don’t really know how many years honestly because it just runs together because all I do is think and hurt. I am not even working anymore but our financial situation is fine because of her. I am so tired of hurting every day because of it. She destroyed something inside me, that we made together, and I can tell it can’t be fixed or replaced. It was unique and irreplaceable. It’s all I think about. I am permanently hurting, just feeling betrayal and gut wrenching pain every day as the details of the torture replay in my mind daily. Some days are better than others but I want 0 days remembering she destroyed our family just to have sex with a handful of randos, some while still living at home with me and our son.
It hurts so much, I consider myself to be a complete piece of garbage but I honestly can’t even blame myself for what she did. Years later I’m still so confused why she had to hurt me so much. I just want to die. I would rather everyone think I disappeared randomly off because I imagine my son and parents would deal with it better. Better they hate me than feel like I abandoned them and gave up or whatever.
If we are back together now and everything seems perfect, I would have expected the pain to fade but it isn’t. I would really like to stop. There are so many days I hide that her old bullshit isn’t all I’m thinking about. There’s no reason for me to complain about it anymore, I obviously can’t get over it. It’s just beating a dead horse and I don’t know wtf she can even do about it at this point. She’s done everything she can I think. Seems like there’s nothing to do but end it. I’m so tired of hurting and constantly trying to figure out why she did all the things she did. I feel like it’s unfair that I can’t just kill myself. Everyone says it gets better or don’t let someone have that control over you. I am tired of waking up thinking about it and then trying to sleep and being tortured all night. 40 years is enough. I wish there was a god because he would let me die in my sleep. I want to point out I love her, our son, and my parents very much. I’m just tired.

I am a parent of a troubled teen and this is my first post on Reddit. I registered for an account, just to make this post.
About three months ago, I found a post on Reddit discussing Red Hawk Academy in Littlefield, Arizona and it made me so angry I posted a response.
You can find the original posting at troubledteens Beetlejuicenewton.
Here was my written response to the original post:
"This comment is absolutely inaccurate and incorrect. My daughter has been there for months. I speak to her every week and we exchange letters throughout the week. This is the third program, she has been in and hands down the best program. You should not make accusations when you are not the parent and not actively involved in the program. I highly recommend this program. The staff are incredible and have helped my daughter tremendously. To all parents out there, call the school and ask to speak to Valerie. I have told Valerie that I will gladly speak to any parents who are interested in the school. This program has saved my daughter.) and was utterly shocked about what was being said about Red Hawk Academy."
Not understanding how social media works (in this case Reddit), I did not know that one's opinion can be removed from a site if the comment is contrary to the original post.
After posting this comment, I received an email from Reddit that my post had been removed and I was banned from the conversation. It took me awhile to calm down, but now I am in a place where I create a thoughtful post discussing my life with a troubled daughter and our experience with RHA.
Unlike the troubledteens Beetlejuicenewton post, I will not ban individuals who disagree with me.
This is my story...
In 2020, I started to notice a difference in my daughter who was 13 years old. I started to see a shift in her behavior. She was being inappropriate while on the internet, hanging out with troubled kids, and being very unkind to her family members. She started to lie, which turned into chronic lying. She started to get mad and hit her head into the wall. She never hit her head hard enough to receive a concussion, but it did get our attention. One day, I sat her down to discuss her behavior and took her phone. When I opened the phone, she had a screensaver that was a short clip of 2 toddlers being hit by a car. When I asked her why she had this as her screensaver, she said she thought it was funny.
Fast forward a couple of months....she was in therapy that was completely useless. She managed to make a handful of the therapist cry or get really upset. My daughter seemed to find humor in upsetting others. Her lack of empathy was beyond scary. She continued to hit her head into the wall every time she was upset. She then threatened to hurt herself, but it seemed to be more of a threat than anything else.
Fast forward three years...from the age of 15 to 16....she tried to "kill" herself twice (actually didn't really hurt herself, but it did get her into the hospital), hospital dependent (always wanted to be admitted to the hospital), suspended from school for inappropriate behavior (my daughter and her boyfriend were making out at lunch with hands down each others' pants), shoplifted (she shoplifted back-to-back days and took her little brother with her to provide cover), unprotected sex (I only found out because she thought she was pregnant), lying all of the time (she forgot how to tell the truth), cutting herself and still hitting her head into the wall, treated her little brother like crap (he would come to me crying, and tell me that he just wanted a "normal" sister), experimented with drugs (she only told me because she was feeling off and was scared), allowed strangers on the internet watch her sleep)....the list goes on and on.
This all happened within the timespan of 1 year! She was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. (For parents with daughters who have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, there is a great book I found on Amazon - When you Daughter has BPD: Essential Skills to Help Families Manage Borderline Personality Disorder by Daniel S. Lobel, PhD.)
Our family finally hit the breaking point. My husband and I were fighting all of the time, my son was so upset about his sister's behavior, and I was on the verge of having a breakdown. I cried all of the time and was so very sad about what was happening to my daughter.
We decided that we needed to send her some place. We could not manage her and she needed more help than we could provide. We sent her to a wilderness camp in Utah that came highly recommended by our therapist. I was scared to send her there, but I did not know what else to do. During her time at the wilderness camp, we had a neuropsychological assessment conducted, which resulted in an autism diagnosis. While she was slightly on the spectrum, it was clear that her behavior was driven by her borderline personality disorder. Within 5 weeks at the facility, we were advised that she was not a good fit for the program and we needed to find a therapeutic boarding school for her.
The wilderness program recommended a therapeutic boarding school in Oregon. We enrolled her in this program. She was a hot mess...she would not get out of bed and refused to go to school. She starting hitting her head into the wall (again), which the staff would not stop because the facility was a "no touch" facility, and the staff would just attempt to "redirect" her. She would punch and kick walls. Within 4 weeks of being at the school, the school called us and told us that we needed to immediately come pick her up because she was threatening to harm the staff members.
We felt desperate and full of despair. We did not know where to turn. We found the one and only program that has helped her....RED HAWK ACADEMY.
I initially called and spoke to Valerie. She and her husband, Sonny, own the school. Instantly, I felt heard and understood. During that initial conversation it came up that the school had received a reputation (not at the school's request) as the school that would take the girls that were kicked out of other programs. When I was filling out the paperwork (which is required for all programs), I got nervous because I had to sign a form that provided RHA with temporary guardianship. I prayed that this would not backfire on me. Unlike the other schools, RHA could restrain the girls when absolutely necessary. People instantly make accusations when the word "restraint" is involved in programs. What people do not understand, and unless you are in the unfortunate situation where you have a kid like my daughter, programs that restrain are absolutely essential. My daughter continually hurts herself and I need someone to stop her.
We dropped my daughter off at the school and hoped (with all of the hope we had left), that RHA would help our daughter. Programs, like RHA, are designed to help troubled kids. By no means, is this a vacation for your daughter or a break from the real world. My daughter tried everything she could to get kicked out of the program. She went so far as to orchestrate a fight with another student so they could both be kicked out. Unfortunately for her (and fortunately for us), she had consequences none of which involved removal from the school.
I have been so scared that we could not find help for her and that she would end up on the street when she turns 18 and most likely would end up homeless, uneducated, and in prison.
My daughter has been at RHA for 6 months and she is now at the point where therapy can begin. She has been so combative and defiant that it took 6 months for her to realize that she was not going anywhere and the only way she would leave the school was to complete the program.
While there have been good and many bad days, I am finally seeing a version of my sweet daughter. The daughter who used to hold my hand and tell me she loved me. For parents who are struggling, know that there are parents who understand your pain, understand the feeling of being out control, and understand how you become unsure of yourself (and your parenting skills). Just remember that you can change the trajectory of your daughter's life by getting her the help she needs. Welcome the opportunity to send her to a therapeutic school, like RHA, where she can get the helps she needs.
Thank you for reading this ridiculously long post, and I hope you can find some peace in knowing that are safe, supportive programs that can help your daughter!
I am going to write another post that specifically discusses RHA. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
​

Ughhhhh. I am really craving a drink right now and I’m keeping myself in check (I am an alcoholic). I was doing well, and not really even thinking of drinking, until this past Saturday.
I went to my boyfriend’s birthday dinner, and the restaurant had an interesting menu of NA cocktails. I ordered an NA martini. When they delivered the drink, I tasted it and was surprised how good it was. I took another sip and then realized that it definitely had gin in it. I alerted the server of this, sent it back, and received the NA martini that I had ordered.
After this though, I was stressed. I wished that I had just finished the drink and hadn’t told anyone that there was actual alcohol in it. Realistically, though, this would have been the very worst thing I could’ve done. From there I would’ve just spiraled until I either came to my senses or went to treatment (again).
But now here I am, sullen, thinking about how much I loved cocktails. They were one of my favorite things. Of course, the alcohol eventually became the ONLY thing. I’ve tried a million times to keep it in check, and the only way that has ever worked is stopping completely.
It’s frustrating that all of this is coming back up like this. I know it will pass, and I will wait until it does.

Hi everyone! I am currently planning a fun birthday surprise for my boyfriend and he loves geology. I, on the other hand, know little to nothing about rocks! I thought it would be super cool for him to break open a geode with a message already inside of it. Do you guys have any ideas on how that could be accomplished? Whether I make a fake one with a note in it or break a real one myself and then glue it back together? I would greatly value any input you all have - thank you!

I’m turning 24 tomorrow. I know it sounds stupid but ever since I was a kid my birthday has always made me sad. Along with the birthdays of my friends and family, something about those around me and the ones I love getting older breaks my heart a little more every year. I remember my sisters 16th birthday, I was 8, I just remember sobbing as a kid when everyone sang her happy birthday at her birthday party. I couldn’t quite understand why, birthdays should be exciting, celebratory, I mean we truly are lucky to be here and celebrate another year. It is a blessing. Why does aging make me so sad? Why am I so afraid of it.
I believe that for me, I can’t stand the thought of losing my loved ones or watching them get old, if I could keep all of my loved ones young, youthful and healthy forever I would do it in a heart beat. Because that would mean they’d be by my side forever. Loss sucks, I hates to see people go, I feel this for myself as well, I never want to get older. The older I get the more I realize I am only getting further and further away from the moments I hold so near and dear to my heart…my childhood. I have suffered many unfortunate events in such a short amount of time, abusive breakup after four years, my dad suffering an extreme mental illness then up and leaving our family instead of getting help. Parents divorcing, finding out my dad has a secret child and cheated on my mom. Watching my mother struggle with her finances and barely making it by. Watching my dad mentally suffer.
It is all so heavy. I had the most perfect childhood, I saw it, I lived it, I felt it. The passing of time calls for inevitable change, but I was never prepared for it to be this hard. So I suppose I will spend my 24th birthday reflecting on my sadness, when I should really just be grateful to be here. Why is it so hard?

Well, I think i should've put this in offmychest because this post is pretty much a vent but a little advice is appreciated.
For context, I'm in my late teens. I just graduated highschool and will be starting college later this year. I have a sister who's a few years younger than me.
Growing up, I was pretty much "daddy's little princess". He spoilt both my sister and me rotten ffs. We were a really happy family. He taught me everything he could and was ALWAYS there for us kids, no matter what. He always encouraged us to take up any hobby we wanted, drove us himself to and from classes, and I can't even talk about the books, toys and other things he got for us without it being an understatement. He was literally my superhero. When i was a kid, i seriously thought that my dad was the strongest and smartest person in the whole wide world. Not to mention, he was a really really good human being too. Even if a person totally unrelated to him reached out for help, he'd do his best to help them in a heartbeat. I love him so much, and could love no one else as much as him because he's literally the best dad ever.
Exactly a month ago, he had a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage unexpectedly. It was a huge shock seeing my dad unconscious on the floor with his head in a puddle of blood when we woke up in the morning. It was the last thing i expected to say the very least. My sister's birthday was on the previous day, so I put together a small party for her even if she refused and dad thanked me for taking care of my sister and told me that it was the best birthday he had ever witnessed in his life (it wasn't extravagant or anything, literally a small family gathering with cake and some snacks). The thing is, he didn't have high blood pressure, nor did he hurt his head (we didn't hear anything if he supposedly hit his head and fell down and he had no external injuries other than a black eye). We traveled and he drove a few hours on the day before my sister's birthday. Everything was completely normal and we actually had a great time together. He was in a coma for nearly two weeks and then was on life support for around another week after being diagnosed brain dead, because my mom and I needed time to process everything that was going on. We tried everything out there to try and get some response, from the regular medical things to sound therapy, accupressure, homeopathy and anything anyone suggested would work. But unfortunately, he didn't make it and faced a natural death a week or so ago (as in we didn't have to decide when to take him off life support)
They're doing funeral stuff and i don't want to be a part of anything because I'm being delusional and thinking that he's gonna come back. We have a golden retriever, who i take care of to keep me busy during the day and also because dad let me keep it as an emotional support animal, without which i would've committed again. At other times of the day, i just can't get myself to get out of bed. I feel really nauseous, my legs always feel tingly and almost like they're burning and I'm shaky sometimes. I've been on continuous medication and therapy for over a year now. My psychiatrist didn't want to diagnose me since he didn't want me to live with a label of a mental illness but a family doctor informally told us that I had BPD. I've gotten so much better with all the support I've gotten because at one point I used to attempt every other day to try to escape reality. At this point of time, both my parents were with me most of the time trying to provide as much support as they physically could, leaving my sister out a lot. I have some horrible things i don't remember doing as a child from my own memory that my sister told me about. My parents have endured so much and when things finally got better, this happened.
My dad worked with online security and stuff in the past so he was really scared of me getting into trouble. For context, I sent nudes to my bf (both of us were minors) two years ago and got caught because my phone was hacked. I didn't get to have a phone for nearly two years and though it seems like a bad thing, I did pretty well in school. Yeah well he was probably really stressed when I told him I'd still be talking to my bf once I finished school. I was originally supposed to study abroad, that might've caused him a lot of stress, knowing I'd be alone. He wasn't really okay with me dating either cuz he was paranoid guys would hurt me and ruin my life and he was also a little conservative too. Knowing that stress can be a cause of a SAH, I'm pretty sure I'm the cause for his death (I have this gruesome feeling that i physically feel when i mentioned that he died or anything like that). My little sister hates me for it, since she feels it was me who stressed him out with my mental issues. My mom's being as supportive as she can buy she's devastated too. I still take meds, and therapy. I have a LOT of family support, which I'm very grateful for, and also my bf who's been very patient with me. Everyone's literally taking time out of their day to tend to us and help us out. I've seen so many people who I'd never heard of or even seen in my life bawl their eyes when they visited dad at the hospital. That's just how much everyone loves him. I've been trying my best to stay strong but i just can't believe I lost him. I try telling myself to stop being delusional and that he isn't out on a work trip, but inside I'm just hoping my superhero fighter dad will be back all safe and sound. I visited him at the hospital a few times a day everyday and i always told him positive things and how much i loved him even if he could probably not hear anything, but when I saw him lifeless, I almost passed out. I couldn't believe that he was gone. I mean the doctors had told us that he'd only push until his heart could so it wasn't unexpected. He also had complications with blood clotting that added to the problem. I really have no idea what to do because the last thing he'd want is me laying in bed most of the day.
Tl;Dr : I lost my dad around a week ago and even with the help from medication, therapy and family and friends support I'm not able to get out of bed or accept that he's gone. Any advice on how I can get better is much appreciated
Sorry guys this post is all over the place, I'm sleep deprived even if I'm in bed most of the day and i have no idea what I'm saying, and i have no idea how to put my emotions in words

I think for a lot of us, birthdays are a sore spot. I know I always struggle. I make a huuuge effort for loved ones birthdays and even for people I'm not close with I like to do things to make their day special. It was always awful with my ex, with my husband it's OK but I still feel disappointed every year.
To be clear, I know how ungrateful I sound, and I feel a lot of guilt about it. But like with gifts, all I want is to feel like the person has put thought into it and that the gift shows they know me. Monetary value means nothing to me. I just want to know they know me. My husband has a favourite discount website he exclusively shops on and every Christmas, birthday and mother's day its very clear that he just goes on that site and picks out whatever they have that's tangentially related to me. It's weird, the gifts are always so close but so far. Like he sees something and thinks "that's pink" but then his thinking stops there, there's no "oh but it is x, y or z that she doesn't like". This year he's got us concert tickets to an artist he likes that I've not listened to in maybe a decade. But of course the guilt is eating me up for how ungrateful I am.
Oh and every year I naïvely try to organise something and every year every single person involved cancels, no matter what it is.. I don't blame them, I don't have a friendship group, only a couple friends and a few acquaintances that are all totally separate from each other.
If I could have my perfect birthday it would look like this:
-Breakfast in bed - pancakes! -A gift that shows how they know me and love me. Just real thought put into it. "I saw x and thought of you" "I got you x so I'll always be with you" "you once told me about x and never forgot". -A birthday cake. I bake a lot, always have. I always bake birthday cakes for people even if we're not close. My husband doesn't get me a birthday cake. -A big surprise party. This one will never happen. No one would organise a surprise party for me, no one would attend, no one would ever think to do it in the first place. The effort and love that goes into planning a surprise party... It's just not going to happen for me. I don't have many friends, I can guarantee 90% of the guests if this ever happened would be my in laws.
But that would be my dream. What about you?

Hey all! This is a bit weird for me being almost 40 and looking for friends. But here I am anyways lol. Mainly looking for someone to message throughout the day and get to know. Maybe game with if we have that in common. I do work from home so there’s no one to really talk to during the day.
I’m married and have 2 kids, a 6 month old son and a 9 year old daughter. I’m into basic nerdy things. Gaming, star wars, super heroes, DnD, etc. Also trading card games like Disney Lorcana and Star Wars Unlimited.
I watch a ton of Critical Role stuff especially Campaign 3! Currently on episode 74, so if you watch too, let me know! Also like to watch Battle of the Brands on YouTube.
I’m also into movies and tv, some sports, pro wrestling. Collecting action figures and retro games is one of hobbies as well. Anything 80s/90s nostalgia i absolutely love so if you want to talk childhood and growing up back then, i’m down! I miss the good old days where we went to arcades and italian sunday dinners at the grandparents and where the world just wasn’t as nutso as it is today lol.
My kids are everything to me and I do love talking about them. Love being silly with them and spending time with them (when they aren’t driving me crazy 🤪 lol)..I would prefer you be around my age and have kids as well just so we have that stuff in common off the bat! I’m socially awkward most times but very easy to get along with. I’m definitely considered an introvert. But once you get to know me I break out of that awkward shell. I do like to use sarcasm, and mostly like to try and make people laugh because a world without laughter would just be horrible.
Alright i’ll shut up now but I’d like to think i’m an awesome person to get to know and hopefully there’s more you’d like to know so feel free to DM me! (I looove using GIFs so if you message me, open up with a funny one! Especially since then i’ll know you actually read this 😂)

Hey all! This is a bit weird for me being almost 40 and looking for friends. But here I am anyways lol. Mainly looking for someone to message throughout the day and get to know. Maybe game with if we have that in common. I do work from home so there’s no one to really talk to during the day.
I’m married and have 2 kids, a 6 month old son and a 9 year old daughter. I’m into basic nerdy things. Gaming, star wars, super heroes, DnD, etc. Also trading card games like Disney Lorcana and Star Wars Unlimited.
I watch a ton of Critical Role stuff especially Campaign 3! Currently on episode 74, so if you watch too, let me know! Also like to watch Battle of the Brands on YouTube.
I’m also into movies and tv, some sports, pro wrestling. Collecting action figures and retro games is one of hobbies as well. Anything 80s/90s nostalgia i absolutely love so if you want to talk childhood and growing up back then, i’m down! I miss the good old days where we went to arcades and italian sunday dinners at the grandparents and where the world just wasn’t as nutso as it is today lol.
My kids are everything to me and I do love talking about them. Love being silly with them and spending time with them (when they aren’t driving me crazy 🤪 lol)..I would prefer you be around my age and have kids as well just so we have that stuff in common off the bat! I’m socially awkward most times but very easy to get along with. I’m definitely considered an introvert. But once you get to know me I break out of that awkward shell. I do like to use sarcasm, and mostly like to try and make people laugh because a world without laughter would just be horrible.
Alright i’ll shut up now but I’d like to think i’m an awesome person to get to know and hopefully there’s more you’d like to know so feel free to DM me! (I looove using GIFs so if you message me, open up with a funny one! Especially since then i’ll know you actually read this 😂)

I am a white mid 20s female who likes women, and I might be moving to Billings in the next 4 months. I am no stranger to white, blue collar towns, however I have spent the last 5 years living in two of the biggest cities in the country and what I loved about them was the culture and diversity. I feel most comfortable in those settings. However, I tend to get along with most everyone. Regardless, I don't want to subject myself to being around people who hate me for who I am (the gay part). I don't want to feel like I can't be myself as I already struggle with some internalized homophobia. I am not necessarily scared of being hate crimed, it has happened before with those proud boys, and really they are just young dumbasses who thinks it's funny to put on a show in front of their buddies or their girlfriend - Can't change everyone's stripes.
I guess my question is how likely am I to feel uncomfortable? Are there other gay people in BIllings? Like just regular gay people? Not the ones who wear cat ears and rainbow flags everywhere (not that there's anything wrong with that it's just not my style and never has been).
For reference, I look pretty tom boy - like any other women's athlete. Gay people know I am gay, but straight people think I am straight. My point is, I can fly under the radar, but I don't want to feel like I have to, ya know? It took me a long while to get comfortable in what I wear and how I present. Also, Montana as a state has always called to me. I love outdoors, I hunt, I fish, I snowboard, I love sports, I respect public land, I love cowboy culture - all of that is in my blood. But I also love all sorts of people, new cultures, young hipster bars with live bands, meeting new people in my age group with likeminded ideologies. Is there a space for me in Billings, Montana.
Hopefully this all makes sense and some of y'all can answer this question. Even straight people might be able to help give some advice. Maybe even some of you white straight blue collar men who usually are the ones to make comments. (No hate btw, I just want advice from all types of people with all types of feelings)

This is my first time posting on Reddit and I'm doing so now because I could really use support and perspective.
I've recently had a "falling out" with two of my closest friends who I've known separately for over a decade; I had also introduced them to each other and to many people in our pre-COVID community. Here are the facts of the recent events (everyone in this story is 30+ years old):

• I started seeing my partner (love of my life) 2.5 years ago. My partner is very friendly and kind and was excited to meet my friends. I noticed that my friend Claire was stand-offish about my relationship from the get-go, which I inquired about and she said it was because she was still recovering from her own breakup (from an emotionally abusive relationship).
• A couple of months after I met my now partner, I asked my roommate and good friend Gill to move out with 2 months notice. Context here: I invited her to move into my small 2-bedroom apartment about a year into COVID and she said she'd only stay a few months while she planned her move to another nearby city. She passively pushed the timeline back a few times (ie "as you can see, I haven't moved out yet, I think it'll be a few more months") which I was happy about at first because I enjoyed her company...until she started working from home full-time (which I already did) and also began struggling with mental health issues. So, I set the 2-month timeline. The rest of the story is that she flipped out after this conversation, left for a trip to visit family the next day, sent me a long angry email about how I've displaced her (a working professional and therapist) and that she found a place in the new city and would move out in 2 weeks. I kept my distance from her those two weeks and sent her an email saying that my intentions were not to hurt her, that I cared about her, and that I wanted to repair the relationship once she was ready; she sent a positive reply back. Then I never hear from her again and meanwhile heard from others that she was having a hard time "because of what I did to her".
• Fast forward a few months and I notice that Claire and my other close friend Jen - both of whom considered me a close/best friend and were not that close to my roommate - start actively avoiding me. They both stopped responding to my group messages and were "too busy" to hang out or jump on a call; but if I reached out to each of them directly, their respective texts are all friendly with lots of emojis. I even left a birthday present for Jen at her place (because she was too busy to see me) and she didn't acknowledge receiving it, just ignored my text message asking how she liked it.
• I definitely noticed this sudden change in behavior in both of them but I didn't know how to ask about it; their behavior felt punitive in some way and I felt scared to face it head on...for over a year. Until this week.
• Claire lives 2 blocks from me and I saw her heading my way the other evening - I was the only one outside - and she put her head down and "didn't see" me. I was floored. I got home and wrote her a text saying that it hurt to feel that she was actively avoiding me. She responded by saying that she "felt us growing apart", that she "didn't like how I treated close friends of ours", and that instead of having an "inflammatory conversation" she'd chosen to "love and support me from afar". Floored again. This one felt crushing. More context for you: I care deeply for people in my life and live my values of treating people kindly, empathetically, and with good communication. This text from my "close friend" absolutely shocked me. I responded with confusion and curiousity as to why she didn't talk to me about whatever it was she heard/witnessed, and also stated that suddenly disappearing form my life was niether loving nor supportive. My only assumption is that it has to do with Gill but I have no idea. All she said in response was in short "Thank you for speaking your truth <3 I wish you wonderful things." 💩
• Then I reached out to Jen. Jen has always seemed like a direct communicator, and she also is a high anxiety person. So this whole time, I assumed she might actually have been busy with work and life, and/or dealing with anxiety. I texted to say I was checking in because I hadn't heard from her in a long time and wasn't sure why - busy or did something happen?" She responded 24 hours later (last night) and gave me the same spiel as Claire "growing apart", "doesn't agree with my actions and treatment of friends". Floored AGAIN.
• I responded saying that I'm confused as to what she's referring to and I feel sad that she'd choose to distance herself instead of talk to me about whatever it is. Then I said "I value clarity and this sounds like a significant thing so can you please provide specifics around the actions and treatment you're referring to?"

I honestly have no idea what planet I'm on at the moment. I have what I thought were stable, mature adult relationships that would be with me for a lifetime. For two of my closest friends to form judgements about me (about something I have no idea about), not communicate with me about it, then actively ostracize me, is not only heartbreaking but makes me question my reality. Any advice on how to process this and let it go?

Before going into it, I want to mention how this post was inspired by three things. One was user u/HastyvonFuego2 and their post on going down the rabbit hole on the Kendrick sub last week. It was also inspired by Childish Gambino’s first album release in nearly 6 years where I have been sitting on this idea for a while but he inspired me to finally post this week like he did (never posted on Reddit at all before so be gentle if I am not doing it right)! I was also inspired by an interview Bino gave to GQ about breaking down his most iconic characters. In this interview he says how This is America started out as a Drake diss but then he realized the song was too hard for just Drake so he kept working on it. He also talks in this interview about how all culture is about compression. Which means that yes, This is America is about the gun violence and police issues in America, but compressed in this video is also more about where that culture comes from which he shows is from a small handful of rap moguls, namely Drake, Diddy and Jay-Z (bear with me on this long post, I think/hope it will be worth it). At the end I talk briefly about how Little Foot Big Foot might be in this same vein of cultural compression.
[Intro: Choir]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, go, go away
The beginning of this song has no background music yet, which really gives it an ‘in the beginning’ feel. Then Gambino starts doing his dances with weird facial expressions. I will explain as we go through his video how those expressions and dance moves represent different famous rap moguls. One easy look to pick out right away is Jay-Z’s famous lip curl/growl look that Gambino gives with a head nod repeatedly. The colonial pants have been a hot topic, but since it’s only the pants that are colonial, Gambino is saying the bottom or basis for this violent culture in America is ultimately colonialism. The lyrics ‘Go Away’, are likely foreshadowing the rap moguls wanting other popular rap rivals to ‘go away’ or they will make them (aka murder them) for profit.
[Bridge: Childish Gambino & Young Thug]
We just wanna party
Party just for you
We just want the money
Money just for you (Yeah)
Usually you want money for yourself and to party for yourself, so this is a bit odd. But what Gambino is referring to is similar to these Diddy ‘freakoff parties’ we are hearing about where people who want to be famous are really partying for these rap moguls so they can get close to them. Where they suck up to them saying that they want to earn the mogul money from their songs.
I know you wanna party
Party just for free
Girl, you got me dancin' (Girl, you got me dancin')
Dance and shake the frame (Yeah)
Then this almost feels like the Diddy rebuttal where he’s like ya I know you want to party and you want to do it for free. Like Katt Williams says, “you gotta tell Diddy no”, it is never free to go to those parties. There are always consequences. When you are partying you are dancing, but shaking the frame could refer to how those boundaries/edges are being crossed, lines are blurred, etc.
Then in the video, the fellow who was playing the guitar gets shot and things turn dark from happy music. I believe that this guitar tune is meant to represent 2Pac and Nas’s song Thugz Mansion. It’s one of the original greats from ‘in the beginning’. Nas famously has always had major issues with Jay-Z too (More on why 2Pac and Nas later). It also represents how it was these moguls who murdered 2Pac like Jaguar Wright and Katt Williams keep saying. Where these murders only lead to more money and fame for the killers when the dead artists’ and their music are exploited more easily.
Also note that the gun gets taken away by a school kid after the shooting, more on this later as well.
[Verse 1: Childish Gambino, Young Thug, Blocboy JB & 21 Savage]
This is America (Skrrt, skrrt, woo)
Don't catch you slippin' now (Ayy)
Look how I'm livin' now
Police be trippin' now (Woo)
Yeah, this is America (Woo, ayy)
Guns in my area (Word, my area)
There is a song called Guns in My Area by Lil Weiner and Baby Chapox that paints a vivid picture of the everyday struggles and conflicts faced by those living in communities affected by gun violence. More compression of other songs and the American gun culture.
I got the strap (Ayy, ayy)
I gotta carry 'em
I am almost certain this line is referring to 2Pac’s song Changes. Throughout This is America, Gambino takes lines from Pac’s song: “They get jealous when they see you with your mobile phone” (referred to later in this a Celly, that’s tool) “That's the sound of my tool, you say it ain't cool, My mama didn't raise no fool”
“And as long as I stay black, I gotta stay strapped, And I never get to lay back” It seems like Gambino broke up these lyrics and scattered them throughout his song. This plays into the theme that everyone is using 2Pac and enriching themselves off of his image and music. I show below how this particular section of the video represents Diddy meaning that Diddy himself is exploiting his music (and alleging that Diddy killed Pac?). We could see this exploitation play out at length with how much Diddy milked the death of Biggie like in Every Breath You Take.
Yeah, yeah, I'ma go into this (Ugh)
Yeah, yeah, this is guerilla (Woo)
Yeah, yeah, I'ma go get the bag
The song Gorilla War by $uicideboy$ and Ramirez talks about getting a bag repeatedly in the course. Also in Otis with Kanye and Jay-Z their lyrics talk about going gorilla (I talk about this song more further down), so it could be referring to this as well. It seems like Gambino is trying to pull out lyrics from all across the rap culture and embed them in his song to highlight the ‘cultural compression’.
Yeah, yeah, I'm so cold like, yeah (Yeah)
I'm so dope like, yeah (Woo)
We gon' blow like, yeah (Straight up, uh)
I think that all of the school kids in the video represent all of the rappers that are signed with these big labels. Which is interesting because they are the ones facilitating the guns for the moguls in the video. You can see that the mogul is really focused on the kids and gets agitated and directs them to follow him whenever they stray off a bit like they are his pupils, or like he owns them. Then all of a sudden the camera comes into a scene where you can see more kids shooting a rap video and all shooting money from a Supreme gun. The camera zooms out almost to show you that this is the mogul’s whole rap empire they are looking over, all of their kids in one place (this empire already includes some chaos in the background). It’s subtle but hilarious, Gambino puts fricken chickens on the ground where the kids are filming the rap video. He is directly calling all of these rappers complete chickens for playing up this lifestyle and being the cause of so much chaos rather than coming out and telling somebody what’s really going on. Trying to get their money over everything else.
[Refrain: Choir & Childish Gambino]
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, tell somebody
You go tell somebody
Grandma told me
Get your money, Black man (Get your— Black man)
This is where things start to get interesting. Gambino is literally saying, go tell somebody about this! We all know what’s happening, why don’t you go let people know how bad it is? But like Jaguar Wright said, who do you tell when these moguls have the cops and feds paid off? This video is literally Gambino putting it all out there in this extremely popular song for everyone to see but yet we still just see the dancing and the violent chaos of people and police in the streets and not the root cause that is hidden in plain sight.
The vast majority of those who reviewed this video until now think this scene represents the tragic church shooting in Charleston in 2015. I think it does, but we also have to look at this from an angle of compression.
The people in the choir are all of the people who are currently singing the rap mogul’s praises and who are focused on going and getting what’s owed to them, get their money (who are also profiting off of the dead fellows music since it goes back to the original tune). You can see that each choir member has a distinct look to them. Think about who you are hearing about now who is about to be implicated in these freak offs and evil deeds. Is that Will Smith in the back left corner!? The short bald fellow in the front left maybe Kevin Hart? Rick Ross or TD Jakes maybe the bigger guy towards the back right? When the camera zooms in on the choir right at first to show their faces, doesn’t the guy in the bottom middle look like an uncanny version of Jordan Peele? Or is that meant to be Cuba Gooding Jr? Then just like the guitar fellow at the beginning, bang. You may be singing Diddy’s praises now, but he will cut you down whenever he suddenly feels like it.
I think almost for sure this initial section of the music video is Gambino acting as Diddy, because right after he shoots the choir, he does the elbow pump/chicken dance. At 3:14 in Diddy’s video for P.E. 2000 he does the chicken dance (he is up first in the video and I think Gambino is trying to say here I first present to you the first public enemy of 3 in this song). That elbow dance signals that it was Diddy and this is the end of his section.
[Chorus: Childish Gambino, Young Thug, Slim Jxmmi & Quavo]
This is America (Woo, ayy)
Don't catch you slippin' now (Woo, woo, don't catch you slippin' now)
Don't catch you slippin' now (Ayy, woah)
Look what I'm whippin' now (Slime!)
There have been many accounts of celebrities being given fancy cars after suffering abuse at the hands of these moguls. So these lyrics are saying that you better not slip up and tell people what’s really going on. And if you don’t look at this sweet carecord deal/movie contract I am going to give you. Beiber told this story about Diddy wanting to give him a luxury car.
Now suddenly, the dance switches from the chicken dance to a sudden bicep flex to signal us that we have now moved on from Gambino representing Diddy to our next mogul.
[Verse 2: Childish Gambino, Quavo, Young Thug, 21 Savage & BlocBoy JB]
This next chunk of the video is all about Jay-Z. I think this is the case because he throws his arms up in a bicep flex just like Jay does in the Otis music video at 2:38. And it makes sense Gambino would pick a dance move from a video with a huge American flag in the background to fit the ‘This is America’ theme. Gambino is mocking him saying, who are you really, the pretty guy or this hard gangster like Gambino shows in his dancing. Also right before they pan to the kids on the balcony, Bino also does Jay-Z’s signature lip curl look a couple times so we know it’s him and to signal the end of his section.
Look how I'm geekin' out (Hey)
I'm so fitted (I'm so fitted, woo)
Jay-Z is famous for making the fitted Yankees cap famous, it’s his signature look. More signs this verse is about Jay.
I'm on Gucci (I'm on Gucci)
Jay-Z has been seen in full wallpaper Gucci sweat suits but could also be referring to Gucci Mane who he hung out with at Beyonce’s tour around the time this song was released.
I'm so pretty (Yeah, yeah, woo)
I'm gon' get it (Ayy, I'm gon' get it)
Watch me move (Blaow)
These lines are probably referring to Jay-Z having a hidden preference for men, especially with the way Gambino flicks his wrist in the video when he says I’m so pretty.
This a celly (Ha)
That's a tool (Yeah)
On my Kodak (Woo) Black
I think that “this a celly, that’s a tool” harkens back to 2Pac’s lyrics in Changes where he sings, “They get jealous when they see ya with your mobile phone” then shortly after that he sings about the sound of his tool, referring to shooting a gun. But Childish flips these lyrics on their head. He is saying that it’s really the phone that’s a tool to be using, not a gun. And pans up and shows (the school kids specifically) on the balcony filming everything going on below. He’s telling the kids/other rappers, use your phone as a tool, you can record these bad deeds when you get blackmailed into being at the freak off. That’s how you can kill them and their career, not with a gun. Go tell somebody! There is also the reference to Kodak which plays into the picture taking theme, but also because Kodak Black has been accused of assaulting a teenage girl in a hotel room. So we have a good idea of what Gambino suggests all the kids start filming and collecting evidence of.
Ooh, know that (Yeah, know that, hold on)
Get it (Woo, get it, get it)
Ooh, work it (21)
Now we are onto Drake’s part. In the video Gambino starts doing the BlocBoy JB dance called Shoot. Drake is known for doing these little viral dance moves like in Hotline Bling. But not only that, this dance is also used in the song that both BlocBoy JB and Drake collaborate on for their video Look Alive. It starts at 2:07 in the Look Alive video. So this is Drake’s dance to signal his part is now starting.
Note this is where the pale horse rides by also potentially saying that Drake is one of the horsemen of the apocalypse. Interestingly, Drake’s collab with BlocBoy JB was pretty much the apocalypse for BlocBoy’s career, who hasn’t had a hit since.
Hunnid bands, hunnid bands, hunnid bands (Hunnid bands)
Contraband, contraband, contraband (Contraband)
I got the plug in Oaxaca (Woah)
They gonna find you like "blocka" (Blaow)
Again, we know this is Drake’s section because his song 10 bands starts out by saying “10 bands, 50 bands, 100 bands” almost identical to Bino’s lyrics here. Also Blocka was famously used by Biggie in his song Gimme the Loot which could be referring to Biggie's demise like Pac’s and making money from his death. Everything in this industry originates from pushing drugs, which has been alleged through the trafficking that Diddy, Jay-Z and Drake do through their private jets likely connected to their bosses, the Clive Davises and Lucian Grainges of the world. This escalates rap beefs and the whole culture to the next level where murder is often a consequence for young rappers in their prime when international drug lord money is involved.
An interesting point is this is the only time where Childish was about to shoot someone in the video, but where he didn’t have a school kid either handing him the gun or taking it away carefully from him. (Maybe also a diss at Drake that even though he acts hard he doesn’t shoot, he gets his horseman of the apocalypse to do his dirty deeds for him instead perhaps?). This is the beginning of the end for the rap mogul as he no longer has his kids doing his bidding for him. A simple message to show how the violence can be stopped, that these shootings can end when the kids stop enabling them. So then as soon as he can’t react in that moment and shoot someone his anger is forced to chill out, as shown by smoking a J, and to go back to exploiting the dead man’s music instead. If you don’t put a gun in someone’s hand when they are heated, those feelings too shall pass - kinda feel.
[Refrain: Choir, Childish Gambino, & Young Thug]
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, tell somebody
America, I just checked my following list, and
You mothafuckas owe me
Whose voice does that sound like!? It sounds a lot like Diddy to me, public enemy #1. This is basically saying that the moguls are the ones who we all owe it to for all of this glorified gun violence in America. That we owe them way more follows and likes for what a massive influence they have had on the violence and chaos we see in America today.
Grandma told me
Get your money, Black man (Black man)
(1, 2, 3—get down)
In Moneybagg Yo’s song 1, 2, 3, he also has a line that says “1, 2, 3, let’s go!” in a similar vein.
But something interesting I came across was Nas’s song Get Down where they use a sample from James Brown's “The Boss” that sounds extremely similar to the way Gambino screams “Get Down!” Which would fit well if the guitar singer from the beginning is meant to be Nas and Pac doing Thugz Mansion.
Also make sure you check out Nas’s song Get Down so that you can hear how much Jay-Z outright copied this song for The Story of OJ. From the musical structure with the piano and interwoven samples right down to the theme reiterated by the sample at the end of Nas’s song: “If that’s how our people are gonna get down, how are we ever gonna get up?”
SZA
Finally to wrap up the video, I have been stumped for a long time as to why SZA is randomly at the end of this video sitting on one of the cars. But I think I finally know why and it reconfirms that this last scene is all about Drake. If you watch Drake’s music video for Worst Behavior (not very Canadian of him to spell behaviour that way I might add) you will see Drake rapping and dancing with a few cars surrounding him and one of those cars has other rappers making cameos in it. In Gambino’s video SZA represents that car with a famous cameo. I think this is further confirmed when the black edges of the video start closing inwards at the end of This is America, the exact same way that Worst Behavior ends. So why SZA as the cameo then? Cause it reminds people that Drake is a p*do.
This is from an article in the Rolling Stone: In 2020, Drake revealed publicly that he and SZA had dated over a decade ago, well before she was an established artist (her earliest music goes back to around 2012; her critical breakthrough, Ctrl, came in 2017). On 21 Savage’s “Mr. Right Now,” Drake rapped about a newer fling who was a fan of SZA’s: “Yeah, said she wanna fuck to some SZA, wait / ‘Cause I used to date SZA back in ’08 / If you cool with it, baby, she can still play.” A few days later, SZA responded, corroborating Drake’s claim with a slight correction: they dated in 2009, when both would have been over 18. Since SZA would not have turned 18 until late 2008, she wanted to set the record straight. “in this case a year of poetic rap license mattered 🥴lol I think he jus innocently rhymed 08 w wait [sic],” she tweeted. “I just didn’t want anybody thinking anything underage or creepy was happening . Completely innocent . Lifetimes ago . [sic]”
If you have to specifically say something isn’t creepy and distance yourself from it being lifetimes ago, it usually is creepy. Drake would’ve been 22 when she was 17. Metro Boomin also happens to be on the Mr. Right Now track. He is currently in trouble for resurfaced old tweets showing how Metro used to tweet disgusting things about what he wanted to do to underage girls. Interestingly, Metro Boomin is also now beefing with Drake.
Drake doing his dance on the car of the original musician’s music seems to be accusing Drake directly of stealing 2Pac’s music. Orlando Brown recently said the cryptic statement that “Drake is Pac” which likely means he stole 2Pac’s approach/style/audience after his death. Gambino did some good foreshadowing here too with the recent AI release Drake put out of 2Pac.
This dance scene also signals that the Drake section is now over.
[Outro: Young Thug]
You just a black man in this world
You just a barcode, ayy
You just a black man in this world
Drivin' expensive foreigns, ayy
You just a big dawg, yeah
I kenneled him in the backyard
No, probably ain't life to a dog
For a big dog
The outro lyrics speak to how these gatekeepers keep black men down and control them with things like being forced to wear a dress to become famous or to submit to homosexual/p*do acts.. In the video, as I mentioned above, the black edges close in on Drake’s dancing scene in This is America. But they don’t completely close and end things like they do in the Worst Behavior video. Instead, in Gambino’s video, the camera pans to show the mogul running for his life with Young Thug’s lyrics almost like a quiet echo in the background. He isn’t running from the cops though, he’s running from the kids and from the public. When I mentioned earlier that the kids not handing over the last gun before Drake’s scene signalled the beginning of the end for the moguls, this is that conclusion. Where it is showing that if all the kids come together to stop enabling and rather expose the moguls, people will be chasing these bastards down once we realize what has been going on behind the curtain. Then the song that Young Thug is singing can just be a quiet echo of the way things were in the past.
If you don’t think Gambino would be this deep and that I went too far down the rabbit hole, do a Google search on the calculations that he came up with for why he sings about loving until 3005 in his song. He seems to go real deep with his lyrics. So a big question this leaves us with is, what did Childish Gambino witness in the rap industry? His whole rap career plays out like he is trying to avoid industry norms.
Even in Sweatpants, he has lyrics like:
No hands like soccer teams and y'all fuck boys like Socrates
You niggas ain't coppin' these, niggas ain't lookin' like me (Nah)
Nah, I ain't checkin' I.D. (Nah), but I bounce 'em with no problem
Seems like he is trying to make it really clear across his catalogue of music that he isn’t a p*do but that other rappers are. Where he is saying that he doesn’t need to ID his potential partners because he can tell they are obviously too young and that’s not hard to do.
Tell 'em, Problem (Problem!)
I'm winnin', yeah, yeah, I'm winnin' (What?)...
Rich kid, asshole, paint me as a villain
So who was trying to paint him as a villain, Drake? And that’s why the diss was originally meant for him?
Don't be mad 'cause I'm doing me better than you doing you…
Better than you doing you
Fuck it, what you gon' do? (What?!)
He’s taunting the other rappers cause he knows they can’t say shit if they are creeps. He has the same sentiment in Bonfire “It’s a bonfire, turn the lights out, I’m burning everything you mother fuckers talk about.”
Childish Gambino has always refrained from talking about the meaning of This is America whenever he is asked, and I can only assume that all of this is why.
Little Foot Big Foot
Now with his new release, Little Foot Big Foot and applying cultural compression to it, it has me wondering if he is referring to Megan Thee Stallion and the Nicki beef? People like Nicki (calling Megan Big Foot) have been claiming for some time she wasn’t even shot in the foot by Tory Lanez. There were many people laughing and making fun of Megan over getting shot. Which could be an interesting story for Childish to tell to represent how crazy this violent culture has gotten that people just laugh and blame the victim now when you get shot. Also a good metaphor for things like ‘shooting yourself in the foot’ for not having a lawyer look over potentially predatory industry contracts like in the beginning of his video. That you want to get in the cool kids club so bad you overlook it. Not as sure on this one though since the song just came out and I have only heard it a few times.
One last thing that is really interesting, there have been tons of artists on podcasts like Shay Shay talking about the strings these ultra rich moguls can pull. Like buying awards or gatekeeping people from being in the industry at all. There was even a story, I think maybe it was Gene Deal who told it, that when Killer Mike won at the grammys that Jay-Z was so angry he made sure to mess up his night by getting him locked up as soon as he left the awards stage. These moguls are extremely powerful and have an incredible amount of sway in the world/industry. If you check out Gambino’s profile on Youtube, his old music videos keep getting taken down, like Bonfire for example is just gone. Fans have been having to upload the videos themselves. There is a reply to a comment, on one of the fan uploaded vids, from Gambino’s account himself when someone asks why the videos are being taken down. His account just replies “Noone knows why :(“ Seems a bit odd all things considered and like maybe he has been at the mercy of these gatekeepers for going against the system.
I am so curious to know what the rest of you think about all of this!

This is my first time posting on Reddit and I'm doing so now because I could really use support and perspective.
I've recently had a "falling out" with two of my closest friends who I've known separately for over a decade; I had also introduced them to each other and to many people in our pre-COVID community. Here are the facts of the recent events:

• I started seeing my partner (love of my life) 2.5 years ago. My partner is very friendly and kind and was excited to meet my friends. I noticed that my friend Claire was stand-offish about my relationship from the get-go, which I inquired about and she said it was because she was still recovering from her own breakup (from an emotionally abusive relationship).
• A couple of months after I met my now partner, I asked my roommate and good friend Gill to move out with 2 months notice. Context here: I invited her to move into my small 2-bedroom apartment about a year into COVID and she said she'd only stay a few months while she planned her move to another nearby city. She passively pushed the timeline back a few times (ie "as you can see, I haven't moved out yet, I think it'll be a few more months") which I was happy about at first because I enjoyed her company...until she started working from home full-time (which I already did) and also began struggling with mental health issues. So, I set the 2-month timeline. The rest of the story is that she flipped out after this conversation, left for a trip to visit family the next day, sent me a long angry email about how I've displaced her (a working professional and therapist) and that she found a place in the new city and would move out in 2 weeks. I kept my distance from her those two weeks and sent her an email saying that my intentions were not to hurt her, that I cared about her, and that I wanted to repair the relationship once she was ready; she sent a positive reply back. Then I never hear from her again and meanwhile heard from others that she was having a hard time "because of what I did to her".
• Fast forward a few months and I notice that Claire and my other close friend Jen - both of whom considered me a close/best friend and were not that close to my roommate - start actively avoiding me. They both stopped responding to my group messages and were "too busy" to hang out or jump on a call; but if I reached out to each of them directly, their respective texts are all friendly with lots of emojis. I even left a birthday present for Jen at her place (because she was too busy to see me) and she didn't acknowledge receiving it, just ignored my text message asking how she liked it.
• I definitely noticed this sudden change in behavior in both of them but I didn't know how to ask about it; their behavior felt punitive in some way and I felt scared to face it head on...for over a year. Until this week.
• Claire lives 2 blocks from me and I saw her heading my way the other evening - I was the only one outside - and she put her head down and "didn't see" me. I was floored. I got home and wrote her a text saying that it hurt to feel that she was actively avoiding me. She responded by saying that she "felt us growing apart", that she "didn't like how I treated close friends of ours", and that instead of having an "inflammatory conversation" she'd chosen to "love and support me from afar". Floored again. This one felt crushing. More context for you: I care deeply for people in my life and live my values of treating people kindly, empathetically, and with good communication. This text from my "close friend" absolutely shocked me. I responded with confusion and curiousity as to why she didn't talk to me about whatever it was she heard/witnessed, and also stated that suddenly disappearing form my life was niether loving nor supportive. My only assumption is that it has to do with Gill but I have no idea. All she said in response was in short "Thank you for speaking your truth <3 I wish you wonderful things." 💩
• Then I reached out to Jen. Jen has always seemed like a direct communicator, and she also is a high anxiety person. So this whole time, I assumed she might actually have been busy with work and life, and/or dealing with anxiety. I texted to say I was checking in because I hadn't heard from her in a long time and wasn't sure why - busy or did something happen?" She responded 24 hours later (last night) and gave me the same spiel as Claire "growing apart", "doesn't agree with my actions and treatment of friends". Floored AGAIN.
• I responded saying that I'm confused as to what she's referring to and I feel sad that she'd choose to distance herself instead of talk to me about whatever it is. Then I said "I value clarity and this sounds like a significant thing so can you please provide specifics around the actions and treatment you're referring to?"

I honestly have no idea what planet I'm on at the moment. I have what I thought were stable, mature adult relationships that would be with me for a lifetime. For two of my closest friends to form judgements about me (about something I have no idea about), not communicate with me about it, then actively ostracize me, is not only heartbreaking but makes me question my reality.

This is my first time posting on Reddit and I'm doing so now because I could really use support and perspective.
I've recently had a "falling out" with two of my closest friends who I've known separately for over a decade; I had also introduced them to each other and to many people in our pre-COVID community. Here are the facts of the recent events:

• I started seeing my partner (love of my life) 2.5 years ago. My partner is very friendly and kind and was excited to meet my friends. I noticed that my friend Claire was stand-offish about my relationship from the get-go, which I inquired about and she said it was because she was still recovering from her own breakup (from an emotionally abusive relationship).
• A couple of months after I met my now partner, I asked my roommate and good friend Gill to move out with 2 months notice. Context here: I invited her to move into my small 2-bedroom apartment about a year into COVID and she said she'd only stay a few months while she planned her move to another nearby city. She passively pushed the timeline back a few times (ie "as you can see, I haven't moved out yet, I think it'll be a few more months") which I was happy about at first because I enjoyed her company...until she started working from home full-time (which I already did) and also began struggling with mental health issues. So, I set the 2-month timeline. The rest of the story is that she flipped out after this conversation, left for a trip to visit family the next day, sent me a long angry email about how I've displaced her (a working professional and therapist) and that she found a place in the new city and would move out in 2 weeks. I kept my distance from her those two weeks and sent her an email saying that my intentions were not to hurt her, that I cared about her, and that I wanted to repair the relationship once she was ready; she sent a positive reply back. Then I never hear from her again and meanwhile heard from others that she was having a hard time "because of what I did to her".
• Fast forward a few months and I notice that Claire and my other close friend Jen - both of whom considered me a close/best friend and were not that close to my roommate - start actively avoiding me. They both stopped responding to my group messages and were "too busy" to hang out or jump on a call; but if I reached out to each of them directly, their respective texts are all friendly with lots of emojis. I even left a birthday present for Jen at her place (because she was too busy to see me) and she didn't acknowledge receiving it, just ignored my text message asking how she liked it.
• I definitely noticed this sudden change in behavior in both of them but I didn't know how to ask about it; their behavior felt punitive in some way and I felt scared to face it head on...for over a year. Until this week.
• Claire lives 2 blocks from me and I saw her heading my way the other evening - I was the only one outside - and she put her head down and "didn't see" me. I was floored. I got home and wrote her a text saying that it hurt to feel that she was actively avoiding me. She responded by saying that she "felt us growing apart", that she "didn't like how I treated close friends of ours", and that instead of having an "inflammatory conversation" she'd chosen to "love and support me from afar". Floored again. This one felt crushing. More context for you: I care deeply for people in my life and live my values of treating people kindly, empathetically, and with good communication. This text from my "close friend" absolutely shocked me. I responded with confusion and curiousity as to why she didn't talk to me about whatever it was she heard/witnessed, and also stated that suddenly disappearing form my life was niether loving nor supportive. My only assumption is that it has to do with Gill but I have no idea. All she said in response was in short "Thank you for speaking your truth <3 I wish you wonderful things." 💩
• Then I reached out to Jen. Jen has always seemed like a direct communicator, and she also is a high anxiety person. So this whole time, I assumed she might actually have been busy with work and life, and/or dealing with anxiety. I texted to say I was checking in because I hadn't heard from her in a long time and wasn't sure why - busy or did something happen?" She responded 24 hours later (last night) and gave me the same spiel as Claire "growing apart", "doesn't agree with my actions and treatment of friends". Floored AGAIN.
• I responded saying that I'm confused as to what she's referring to and I feel sad that she'd choose to distance herself instead of talk to me about whatever it is. Then I said "I value clarity and this sounds like a significant thing so can you please provide specifics around the actions and treatment you're referring to?"

I honestly have no idea what planet I'm on at the moment. I have what I thought were stable, mature adult relationships that would be with me for a lifetime. For two of my closest friends to form judgements about me (about something I have no idea about), not communicate with me about it, then actively ostracize me, is not only heartbreaking but makes me question my reality.

Hey, this may or may not be appropriate for this thread, but I just found this new podcast hosted by two therapist cousins, who were each themselves raised by narcissists themselves.
It’s called “How to be a Terrible Daughter” (It’s not just for daughters), and it gives me the same vibes this community gave me when I first found it. It’s so smart and darkly funny (they do a “bad mom drinking game” where you share increasing intense stories about stuff your mom did until no one can top it and everyone drinks) and it’s also full of empathy and compassion. Would love to know what others think, but I had a big reaction to it. 😊💖
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-be-a-terrible-daughteid1743605850

I'm broken tired and beyond repair . I don't want to be here anymore I never have and things this weekend reminded me of everything I've tried so hard to forget . I will never be good enough for me or anyone else I'm causing so much pain merely existing and the pain if feel is constant and unbearable. I wake up and go to sleep praying for the end , I kill myself in my dreams and wake panicking and afraid knowing I'm still here . I've tried soo many times and can never pull it off . Only giving myself an end date and formulating a plan for my exit has given me a semblance of calm knowing it will be over soon . I just cant do it anymore I ran out of fight last September and have been dragged on through guilt and lies . It doesn't get better life isn't ups and downs . I'm 29 and I've only felt ok not even good about myself for 2 weeks total in my entire life . Happiness is the enemy and I should be allowed to walk off gracefully and dignified into the next life without guilt or it being painful or messy with the likelihood of failure. Have never been so low and have tried killing myself before but now I'm beyond. I don't want to hurt anyone not do I want to actually hurt myself I just want to die in peace or I want to watch the world burn for dealing me such a shit hand in life . I don't need to be told to reach out or talk about how I feel because I've done it all , mental health teams the works . I don't need anyone telling me it will get better or life is worth fighting for or there is some silver lining to this hell . I guess I just want confirmation that I'm not alone feeling this way and perhaps a way I can make my loved ones understand that I need this and as much as it will hurt them it will help me . Sorry for rambling whoever reads this I'm rock bottom I have no self worth , confidence or self esteem, no social life or kids and no fight left to try change it anymore. I promised myself I wouldn't see Christmas then again I promised myself I wouldn't turn 29 I keep being fooled into hoping then left to deal with the reality . Feels like I'm a rat in a cage and I can't get out and all I've done is chewed off my own legs in the hope of escape but am now still trapped only now slowly bleeding out . I'm dead inside just need to the rest of me to catch up I think and I've put it off far too long.
Sorry to whoever reads this if it's distressing or upsetting it's not my intention I'm just alone and need to say how I feel even if nobody ever reads it . Thank you 🙏