I've been diagnosed with BPD since I was 17 (I'm 24 now) and I've done a lot of different therapies for it. I thought I was getting better for the longest time because I thought I had my emotions and everything under control, especially in relationships. I've been seeing my boyfriend for roughly 2 years and I've noticed I've completely went off the rails. Any sense of emotional stability I've had before has completed disappeared. 2 years ago I was holding down a stable and really good paying job for 3 years and I think they liked me considering they trained me in every department and would always complement my work. I also had lots of friends and was very social, I even had friends that I was friends with for 9 years (there would be a few years in between where we wouldn't talk because of them moving or just different life pathways but always found our way back to each other). I also was in university and bought a car from the dealership and my credit score was really amazing too. I really felt like my life has direction at that point. That was until my dad got his second DUI and went into rehab and came out of rehab doing meth and completely flipping out. That's when I met my boyfriend. It was such a a rough time for me, I had to talk to the cops a lot and get a restraining order against my dad for awhile. My boyfriend was unlike anyone else I dated, he didn't try and force me to have sex and I waited awhile before hooking up with him, and even before we had hooked up he was there to support me through everything! I was so appreciative and really fell in love because I thought he was so compassionate. He had recently went through a break up so I had a sneaking suspicion I was a rebound and I just wanted to know where he and him stood. He promised me I wasn't a rebound and he hadn't talked to his ex for a few months. My BPD started flairing up and I went through his phone (I'm sorry I know it's bad but I developed this bad habit from my last ex being with him for a whole year and trusting him but seeing millions of girls messaging him till I finally had a hunch and checked and was mortified, I just didn't want to waste my time again) I found text messages between his friend and him saying that if he hooked up with me he'd basically be tunnel brothers with all his buddies (which is far from true, he thought I hooked up with both his friends but I only hooked up with his one other friend once when I was blackout at a party and I didn't even really want it to happen) it hurt my feelings to feel like he was talking about me like that to his friends and kinda made me feel like a whore. I ended up flipping and waking him up with a garbage bag full of his stuff and sent him home. We ended up talking it out and we started hanging again. But then whenever he got drunk, he'd call me his ex's name, and he called her and said he loved her and missed her. I was devastated once again, but now I felt like an easy rebound whore. So we once again fought and he convinced me it wasn't that way, just to go and hook up with her the one night I asked for space (he is extremely codependent). I was pissed and tried to convince myself I was done with him. But I'm stupid so I forgave him, I think I only did that because of all the trauma I was going through with my dad, I really wanted someone to be there for me and hold me and tell me everything was okay. He was back at my place again for awhile and then he disappeared to his ex's place for a whole week and swore on his life he didn't hook up with her and was just there to support her through a rough time (he only recently told me they did actually hook up). I spent the whole week crying at work and just being miserable. He begged me to stay with him and I did, which is something I've never done before. I've never ever ever let someone disrespect me like this before, but I felt so low and vulnerable. We were together for awhile after all that and it was so hard for me to not want to abandon him at any fight we had. We fought a lot and were pretty miserable together. I was really trying to break things off but he kept claiming he really wanted to be with me. He hooked up with a new girl he met and was hanging with secretly behind my back at his friends place for a month or two. What made me really mad is I would let him drive my car over there while I was at work and I bought an Xbox for him to use at my place and he was playing games with her while I was at work. Anyways he hooks up with her and she has BPD too. So off the hop she started tracking his location and everything, so he came clean to me about it and told me she was crazy and regrets doing it. I told him that he should just be with her and just leave me alone. She ended up needing help and he convinced me to go pick her up and help her get drugs. She ends up getting me and him into doing those drugs (we've done it before and were completely sober, just have a hard time saying no when it's right in front of me). We all ended up going on a 7 day bender and by the end of it I was all alone and the most mentally fucked I've ever been. They ended up dating. For a whole month he kept pressuring me to come over and give me drugs to drive them around and he even pressured me into a threesome. I only did it because I'm stupid and just did kinda want to be high and see him. They were absolutely vile to me while I was there and I finally got the back bone to block them and sober up. She would make millions of tiktoks about how she fucked him in the bed beside me to put me in my place and how she wants to beat me up now that I didn't want to be their bitch. She even threatened to send a whole gang of people to my house if I didn't send her money at one point. I was nothing but nice to her, swear on my life! She wanted to put me in my place because I warned her that he can be cheaty and to watch out! And she claimed I was trying to break them up. She still to this day posts about me and it's been a year since him and her were last together. Anyways, I was dating someone and doing shitty but alright. Sober, university drop out, bluey watching, chain smoking, loser on medical leave from work. My ex got me up and I dropped everything to meet up with him and to hear how shit his life was without me (hopefully) and it was. He GOT HER PREGNANT!!! And was absolutely MISERABLE! I was rolling. I wanted to laugh in his face and go back to eating cupcakes and watching bluey buuuutttt I self sabotaged my life and decided I wanted revenge on the girl for being a dick to me so I broke up with my boyfriend ( I held him back anyways, he deserves way better then a dumpster fire like me) and I hooked up with him while she was pregnant and behind her back and threw it in her face and then laughed at the tiktoks of her balling her eyes. I know I'm horrible, I really wasn't thinking right, I was kinda off the rails and sick of feeling like everyone gets to shit on me and have no repercussions, if I could go back in time I would have never met up with him. I didn't want to get back together but I ended up hooking up with him long enough that we did (the sex is the best I've ever had for some reason and he really makes me feel safe because of being there for the stuff with my dad). Getting back together with him made all my friends drop me, they were already mad at me for being too depressed and reclused for awhile.I was an ass to him though, constantly mad about him even being with a girl that was so cruel to other girls like that (even though I kinda was cruel to her by taking him back for revenge for all the shit she did to me). We were once again miserable together but I had quite my other job and now we were miserable and broke. my mom got us a job together and we started to work and save up for an apartment (I'm good at saving, he blew my money and his). I ended up having to borrow the money from my grandma for first and last ($3000, which I still have to pay her back for) I was also the only one allowed on the lease because of my good credit score and before we moved in, while I was working over time, he was looking at the girls onlyfans. Turns out he used his first paycheck to subscribe and look at her shit. It was a big blow up fight and he told me he only wanted to see if she was posting their videos they made together. We already had the apartment lined up so I forgave him and told him to just be honest with me and to never do it again. By that point I was so angry and resentful towards him, I was miserable everyday. He refused to cuddle with me or be affectionate with me at all or even have sex with me. I started becoming an angry violent alcoholic and we started to go at each other. I fucked his teeth up and he left me all bruised up. Our apartment was disgusting, he never helped me clean or cook or do laundry, he just played videogames and ignored me. He also brought his dog that he got with him and that girl together to our apartment and it wasn't house trained so it peed on everything. The dog peed on the couch I bought so much that I had to pay to throw it out. It peed on my Tv remote, laptop, bed and pillows, like literally everything. I dislike dogs because my parents would get aggressive rescues when I was a child that would attack me and I grew up to find them loud, obnoxious, and gross. I was the only one cleaning up after his dog. I found him on onlyfans again buying a bunch of girls content when he couldn't pay his phone bill that was in my name since he had no credit to get a new phone ( I got him a brand new phone and a phone plan), and he was even short on rent most of the time. He literally would beg them to meet up and everything. I was officially numb and done. I tried for a whole week to break up with him sobbing and begging for me not too, he begged me to give him one more month and I agreed. But then his dad died. I was such a a cunt to him though when his dad was dying because of the onlyfans stuff and I dislike dogs and his mom has 13 dogs and her house is covered in piss, shit, dirt, and dog hair. The dogs literally pee on everything. So I tried to support him from a distance, even though I drove him to the hospital and made sure to buy his dad blanket and slippers and soup when he couldn't eat the hospital food. But when it came time for us to wait out his death at his mom's place, I really didn't want to be there for him. I wanted to be able to come during the day but then spend the night at my parents place which was 10 minutes away. But he made me stay and we fought a lot. After his dad past, since we took so much time to take care of him we ended up losing our jobs. I instantly applied for welfare to make sure we could still pay rent, he on the other hand didn't. So I had to borrow money from my mom to pay his half of the rent. I also had to start going to the food bank and he refused to come with me even though I was anxious. I had to make him apply for welfare to help me because he refused to let me have my friends move in for us to be able to pay rent. Eventually I had enough and broke up with him and instantly hopped into a new relationship. I spent the whole month away from him anxious and feeling like shit, he was absolutely miserable and missed me and called me crying everyday. I ended up finding out I was pregnant with his kid (break up sex 🙄) and so I got back together with him and ended up misscarry on Valentine's day, which was not my worst Valentines day lmao. But since getting back together he's made major improvements and swears on his life he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I hates himself everyday for what he did to me. He has made major improvements but now I'm so broken and fucked up, I've become just like him when he was treating me like garbage. We had to move into his mom's place since my dad started doing meth again and I have another restraining order against my dad. I just feel triggered constantly at his mom's place. So should I even bother staying with him at this point? He has changed a lot, but now I'm extremely toxic and miserable. I don't know anymore if I'm dumb for believing him still and if I should just get a backbone and leave for good?

TW: mention of drug use/talk, alcohol use, SA, physical abuse, self harm; cutting, razors
I’ve never posted anything about this before, and have never discussed my trauma in detail outside of therapy, so this might be long.
Some context/backstory: This happened years ago, starting when I was 19, off and on up until I was 22. I’m AFAB and at the time I Identified as female. For the sake of avoiding confusion I’ll be referring to myself using she/her pronouns, however I use He/Him pronouns now. My abuser (let’s call him Eric) was the same age(s) as me.
Our “relationship” was complicated. He was in a long term relationship with another girl, and I (having extensive trauma prior to meeting Eric) refused to commit to anyone at all by that point.. so we kept it on the DL (and no, at the time I didn’t care that he was dating someone. Only that he was attractive, so I pursued him.)
We were volatile to say the least. Jumping at any opportunity to scream, argue, throw things, and even put hands on each other. It was all foreplay to what the foundation of our relationship was really built on; sex. We both regularly picked fights almost every time we hung out just to segue into long aggressive “sessions”. It was plain to both of us that we were using each other as a destructive and aggressive outlet for our own past traumas. We knew what it was. But seeing as we both partied hard (Coke, weed, molly, and alcohol mostly), and didn’t ask prying questions about each other, it was a match made in hell and clearly destined for disaster.
I want to specifically say that during this time in my life I felt completely numb and dead inside. I was using coke to feel alive, drowning the nasty thoughts late at night with liquor, and self harming (cutting) daily to “manage” the war in my head.
I was the party girl, the one who demanded attention and flirted with everyone. I was invited to most parties and kickbacks because I was a social chameleon (masking) and got along well with anyone.
The only time I felt alive was when I was using with Eric. We would buy a couple 8 balls and go through it all in a weekend. When I eventually decided to quit, Eric was pissed and unsupportive to say the least. He regularly bought more, and pressured me -often times until I gave in- because that was when we both really “let go” and got into kinkier things.
The night our situationship ended was one of the nights where I adamantly refused to get high.
Eric was having a small party, and his girlfriend was out of town, so naturally I took my place by his side. I was drinking and having a good time just buzzing around from group to group, but he kept pressing and pressuring me to do some lines with him and his guy friends. First of all, I had never met these friends. Secondly, I was trying to stop using as it was, I didn’t like to get high around other people if they weren’t close friends, LET ALONE people I didn’t know. So I refused, and things escalated to where we were yelling at each other and causing a scene. He took my phone, so it then escalated even more to where we were SCREAMING at one another. He yelled for everyone to leave and I thought at this point we would either fight or fuck our way back into an agreeable place.
I was drunk enough to not be able to drive, or even entertain the idea of a dramatic exit. I had also planned on spending the night partying pretty hard and sleeping over, so I was dropped off and effectively stranded without my phone. I wasn’t drunk enough to forget though.
When Eric announced that everyone needed to leave, I stormed away, went into his room, and waited for him to come in so we could finish this. I waited and waited until finally Eric came into the room holding a rolling tray with A LOT of coke on it, accompanied by three of the men he was trying to get me to party with earlier in the evening. He said to me that he wasn’t asking, he was TELLING me I was going to get high with them. I was terrified, so I railed the fat line he made for me. The four of them then did their lines. After that, Eric told me to take my clothes off. All of the anger and confidence I had died away the second he confirmed my suspicions. I just melted and started crying and begging him to stop this and to just give me my phone back. Instead he walked toward me, and I walked backwards away from them until I was pressed against the far wall. He grabbed me, and they all ripped my clothes off. I was tied to his workout equipment on the wall standing with my arms tied above my head. At first they were just standing around me, describing the things they liked about my face and my body and how they were going to hurt me. They were telling me awful things about myself. They little amount I HAD opened up to Eric over the years was weaponized and twisted and used to degrade me. I was sobbing before they even started. They hit me and slapped me and then they took turns using me. I was moved to his bed, and forced to do more lines with them before they continued. At some point Eric grabbed a razor blade and dragged it across my back several times (we had experimented with knife/blood play in the past that ended with disastrous results, and we never tried it again). When I cried out one of them slapped me in my thigh where I had self harmed. They mocked me and made fun of me for hurting myself. They made it seem like this was something I was used to and even enjoyed. They made me tell them I did enjoy it. They made me say a lot of things.
The absolute worst part for me though, was that I had an orgasm. I had never felt more disgusted with myself than in that moment. I felt utterly betrayed by my own body. I can’t even begin to describe the pain and turmoil that I felt. I couldn’t even rely on myself. I truly wanted to die. And worse, when I finished, they all laughed at me. The second it happened they paused and just laughed at me. As if it confirmed to them that I actually WAS enjoying myself like the twisted slut they said I was all along.
I don’t know how long I was in the room. It carried on like that for awhile I think, moving me around, mocking me, making me do even more coke. At one point they forced me to look at myself in Eric’s bedroom mirror and repeat what they said while they used me. After forever had passed, the 3 friends left and I was alone with Eric. I saw his feet across the room by his closet, but I wouldn’t look at him anymore than that. I don’t know why, but he said nothing. I said nothing too. I just kind of laid there collecting myself in silence. After a while he just up and left too. Nothing ever said. No explanation or even acknowledgment of what had just happened. Eventually I got up, threw on clothes I found in his closet and walked out. My phone was out in the livingroom on the table, and I remember thinking to myself that it was positioned almost mockingly close to the front door this entire time. I walked about a half mile away until I was at my old elementary school and then called as many people as I could until someone woke up and came to get me.
I never told the friend that picked me up what happened, just sat mostly in silence and then paid him for the ride once I was home. After that, I went inside cooked and ate an entire bag of chicken nuggets and watched Moana until the sun rose and my roommates were waking up. I wasn’t able to sleep for several days following that. I spent most of the time in bed with my dog, or sitting in the shower for hours at a time.
~ I don’t want to get into details about why, but I never pursued legal action. His fathers job made it near impossible to pursue without a huge fight and even then it wasn’t something that i thought would work out in my favor. ~
I’ve spent the last 6 years of my life trying to piece myself together after that. I had experienced awful things in my past, but that moment was the moment that truly broke me. It made me feel like I was worthless. Below worthless, utterly and irredeemably disposable. I hated myself to my core. I hated every single thing about myself separately and individually. I especially hated my body for how it responded, and it took me years of faking orgasms with partners and intense therapy for me to let myself feel like I deserved to finish. simply put: I was completely undone.
I couldn’t stand silence after that anymore. Anytime I caught myself in a quiet place my heart would race and my mind would bring myself mentally back there in Eric’s bed. Used and discarded. Wondering why my body betrayed me, why did I walk in his room? How else did I think our relationship would end? There was a pattern, I was the only constant and it was my fault. Everything was my fault.
I couldn’t stop thinking.
I don’t think I ever DO stop thinking. Almost obsessively thinking and rethinking my life choices and decisions. How it’s going to effect my future. Always have a plan, always have a backup plan. Always have a backup plan for the backup plan. It’s just easier to quiet down my thoughts with music or some kind of distraction.
Circling back to my initial question; even now that I’ve been hard at work addressing and unpacking what happened to me, and even though i’m in a safe place with a wonderful family and a partner who is very supportive and understanding..I feel like a part of me was left behind in that room that night. I feel like it effortlessly pulls me right back there whenever it gets the chance no matter how much I unpack it. Sometimes I think that i’ll feel this way forever.

106 days, 2554 hours, 9161082 seconds.
The last time I heard from you. It seems like 10,000 years. You said I would forget you, but I have thought of you for every second, every day, every hour since.
"We will live like it was our last week, even if we only have this time together it will be more than enough." 99% of the time you were right... This time you weren't.
My heart aches for you. My heart is numb and has withered away.
Every breeze that brushes against my skin, The whispers of the wind that make me turn and wish on every star that you are there.
I look at every full moon like it was OUR full moon. the passion, the love, my hands running down the window as yours were running down my spine.
You made me forget I had fear, you believed in me like no one else! You pushed me to face my fears while holding my hand, gently. You had my back like no one else. You taught me how to breathe, how to live and be alive.
You were gentle, kind, loving. You let me see sides of you no one else has ever seen. I don't think there was anything to make me fall in love with you more than the night we were dancing in the dark, in the moonlight. Tears streaming down both our faces. After all the time that had passed we were together again. Home. I'm eachothers arms. Dreaming of our future, our hopes, our dreams. 10,000 years.
It's funny how no one ever believed us. Finding our one love in kindergarten... Being ripped from each other at such a young age to be reunited again so many years and lifetimes later. From the second we saw eachother the passion was right where we left it. Our hearts had never left, never skipped a beat. We were home.
It felt like we finally won. There was nothing that could break us apart. We survived miles, days, wars and there we were. You had not died like they told me you had. This was my once in a lifetime second chance at life.
Did we ever live that week... How could I forget, how will I forget?
It was absolutely perfect to be back wrapped in your arms. What I would give to go back in time, to not doubt us, to not doubt ME. I wish I could go back and love you like I do. Like you have always have needed to be loved.
I wish I could tell you how sorry I was for being so scared. I was in pure ecstasy when I was with you, but I was scared... Scared to loose you.
Could it be possible that true love is actually real? Is that what it was supposed to feel like?
I wish you could understand how my heart felt, how it feels. I know you know how it feels to be abandoned and I never meant for either one of us to ever go through that again.
I love you to infinity and beyond. For 10,000 years or however long I have to wait to hold you again. This life or next.
If I could only go back. I would have never left. But if only for a week I am so blessed to have flown to have you back in my life. For that one week was the only week I truly loved and lived.

Proof read, edited, and formatted to hopefully be easy for The Trip Keeper to read on YouTube.
A lil about me: I have a family history of schizophrenia with two people in my family being diagnosed. I think that's why psychedelics hit me like a train. I know I'm one of the folks they say shouldn't tripping but I've already done it and I am not stopping anytime soon. I'm quite the spiritual hippie type. I live for the esoteric, bizarre, and werid side of tripping. I'm also quite experienced with psychedelics and drugs in general having tried alcohol, cigarettes, vapes, kava, Kratom, weed, oxycodone, hydrocodone, percocet, Hospital Morphine, Adderall, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Conserta, Nitrous, Acid, Shrooms, n-BOMEs, Synthetic shrooms, random Acid non n-BOME RCs, Hydroxyzine (only snorted while drunk), Phenibut, Promethazine w/o codeine, blue lotus, and a bunch of random herbs and nootropics.
A little context to story, I had got some liquid Acid dropped on Bottle Caps Candy from a family member we'll call R. R had called me up informing me he had liquid LSD and to bring a chalky candy when I came to pick it up. He dosed the candy in another room when I picked them up. When he brought them back there was a thick layer of liquid struggling to absorb into each hit so we smooshed another piece on top of each one, 3 tabs altogether. He told me each one was an equivalent of 2 to 3 hits of high quality LSD. I also hadn't tripped in 6 months at this point but that's a story for another sub. Though the reason why didn't have much to do with tripping itself nor anything fun like psychosis.
A couple days later I found myself with my bills caught up, a slow night on Doordash so no work, extra money, weed, some cigarettes, and my roommate was out visiting Family. I had showered and ate some Chinese before taking a short nap. When I woke up it was around 9pm, obviously already dark outside. I was in a good mood, had nothing to do, and didn't want to go back to sleep so I slapped an LSD bottle cap on my tongue and went for a walk.
One of the pieces dissolved really quickly, like less than a minute quick, while the other piece took atleast 15 to 20 minutes fully dissolve. I was slightly nervous about tripping the days prior and was even a lil scared before placing it on my tongue; but, that fear was completely annihilated when 5 to 7 minutes in I felt this electric tingle that started in the back of my head go down my spine. I started smiling, feeling super happy, and chilled out when the tingle reached the base of my spine. I thought to myself, "Wow, I can't believe I was scared to trip again, I feel amazing right now!!" I lit a cigarette and enjoyed my walk for awhile until I started coming to the end of a col-de-sac, the street I was on was on a downward slope I think this affected things but the end of the col-de-sac and the houses started stretching super tall and became super thin kind of like a fun house mirror. I was completely mesmerized by it till I was interrupted by this electric beeping that made my skeleton nearly jump out of my skin. I had looked over and saw this gray box with 2 pink lights on it sticking out of the ground and assumed that's where the beeping came from. I then straight sprinted home cause I wasn't sure if it was hallucination or not. I did go back a few days later and couldn't find the box.
After opening my front door the night is hard to remember linearly but I will try my best. I don't have the texts anymore from this night since I got a new phone. Once I got back home, I had to use the bathroom so I went did my business but while washing my hands I looked in the mirror and noticed my pupils are starting to look a lot like bowling balls. It was then, I noticed the reflection of the SpongeBob, Sandy, and Patrick on ketamine meme my roommate printed out and pinned on the wall. Their eyes were dilating more than normal and they were all swaying back and forth. I texted R to tell him I finally tried the acid and it's strong. It's roughly 10:40p.m. by this point, even though it had been 1 hour 40 minutes since dropping it had only felt like 30 or 40 minutes ago at the most. I was about to sit down and do a dab but I got a almost telepathic sense I was about to throw up rather than a physical feeling I was about to. After throwing up I texted R freaking out questioning if it was acid since it's not supposed to make you nauseous. He just told me "too much too fast" "calm down put your phone down and be safe". I didn't put my phone down.
I started finally doing some dabs after 2 or 3 big rips I looked over and saw 2 shadow people. One was a little girl with blonde hair, a yellow sun dress, no face, instead was an empty void. It was as if her head was an empty shell and her face was the hole. The other one was a middle aged man with short blackish gray balding hair dressed in overalls, no shirt, work boots, also no face. The second shadow person looked a lot like one of my deceased uncles. They didn't feel menacing or demonic nor even holy as one would expect an encounter of this type. I got up and walked to my kitchen probably to get water but I got distracted by a third shadow person who was a woman but I didn't get too good of a look before being distracted by my thoughts. I started stretching and thinking to myself, "well atleast the dark isn't so scary anymore compared to being schizophrenic" at the time it did feel very profound aswell as I am now genuinely less scared of the dark. There's also cardboard cut outs of the Elysian Full Haze and Full Contact IPA cans hung up in my kitchen. People were walking in and out of the giant head on the Full Haze poster, I thought they were sacrificing themselves to the massive head. Thought the dude on the Full Contact poster was holding my brain aswell.
I remember it was around this time the body load and vasoconstriction was getting so intense that my arms and legs felt lankier than normal and my jaw felt like it was wired shut. I drank some water and brought a glass back to my room. When I came back the ocean thunderstorm tapestry above bed had the clouds and ocean actually moving with the lightning striking. I have string lights behind that tapestry that wrap around to the conjoining wall. The string lights looked like technicolor rainbow stars forming beautiful constellations. Normally, they are only blue, yellow, green, red and twinkle but during the trip some were changing colors to pink, purple, violet, orange, and more colors that don't exist. While the tapestry was animated, it had no sound. There's a framed painting of a deer in a forest during the sunrise on the same wall. The light in the painting was actually coming through the painting as if it was a window with sunlight shining through. The deer even had his head down grazing when normally he has his head turned towards the viewer of the painting. I layed down and decided to throw on some music. I couldn't decide on a song, I hit skip on Spotify at least 30 times before settling on Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb, cliche I know, but they're one of my favorite bands and usually seem to find me when things start getting intense on psychedelics. I couldn't actually read anymore so I only knew it was Comfortably Numb by the hook and album art.
As I layed in bed I started stretching out and looking around the room. I finally started to relax a lil and calm down from thinking these were possibly nBOMes. I started to really lose myself in the trip. The slight movement of my air mattress made feel like I was floating on the ocean sea, which gave way to a euphoric sense of oneness and that I am an ocean of pure consciousness. The string lights above my bed were twinkling and reflecting slightly off the ceiling. The reflections were blending with the moving geometry on the ceiling. Next, I looked up at my Pokémon 20th anniversary poster. It was a bunch of black and white silhouettes of starter Pokémon from the first five or six gens with the ones in the middle being colored and shaped like Pikachu's head. Every silhouette was pulsating and almost bubbling.
At one point, I watched this abstract splatter colored tapestry for what felt like two hours, in reality it was probably only 30 or 40 minutes at the most. There were rotating hexagonal and octagonal pillars shooting out of the tapestry between the pillars it appeared to boil, the bursting bubbles had sparks flying off of them.
I can't remember exactly when this happened in the night so might as well stick it here. While hanging out in my bedroom, I got up to do what else but smoke more dabs. I did multiple in a row where I would do the whole ritual and forgot I had done so and follow it up with another. While sitting there, I light a cigarette to pass time and to just smoke more while conserving a lil on the wax. On my second or third cigarette in a row I started thinking to myself out loud that, "Ya know, Family Guy is right!! Vaping does look pretty fucking goofy. My twin flame out there probably thinks vaping looks goofy as fuck!! And smoking might look cool to some bitches but they give you cancer and shorten your life. It's less money for weed and psychedelics. I think after tonight I'm done smoking forever." I chain smoked a few cigarettes.
I think this is when I started hearing voices in my head. I was hearing random YouTubers, friends, celebrities, family members, and other random voices saying random words over over again. I truly thought I was hearing my sleeping neighbors' thoughts. I genuinely believed I had Telepathy. The only words I could make out vividly; however, was The Trip Keeper saying, "Gassid" over over like it was a soundbyte looping. At the time I took this as a sign to do Nitrous with Acid and that there was something spiritual I needed to see/experience from it. I was right, however this wasn't the night I did that combo as I had no nitrous at the time and it's an equally crazy experience but shorter story. I'm planning on posting that experience soon, also DO NOT huff nitrous it actually KILLS your brain cells.
Thoroughly freaking out again about hearing voices. I start frantically texting R, however I can't remember what for though. I even vividly remember asking R what would happen if I took more phrasing it "will things get more colorful or last longer?" He never responded. Since I couldn't read I was using speech to text to text R. I also had got up to pace through the house. Ordinarly, I would've left to go on another walk but I had convinced myself if that I had left again one of my cats would get out of the house and somehow I'd get arrested. I look up from my phone to notice a swirling florescent neon colored vortex of geomtry in the middle of my living room. The vortex started swirling towards me and started to suck the words out of my mouth. I saw the phrase ,"The only words that make sense are the ones I say out loud" get sucked out of my mouth by the vortex in bubble letters that distorted and mixed with geometry. As the bubble letters got closer to center of the vortex they would distort super cartoonishly, individual patterns and a mix of colors appeared over each letter. The vortex itself had a wigwag shape to it. At the time I thought in my head, "Damn this is what Jerry Garcia probably ment by "Steal your face right off your head"". I actually attempted to draw this out later on. See the drawing here if I can get imgur to work. I don't really remember turning the lights on all through my house but I vividly remember all the lights being off when the vortex stole my words. I don't remember how the vortex incident ended just that next all I know is all the lights are on suddenly and I'm walking out of my bedroom. It's probably 3 or 4am at this point cause I started hearing my neighbor cough and going in and out for cigarettes the rest of the night. I had laid my recliner, the voices had stopped but that was replaced with an intense loud buzzing inside of my head. I had my head on one of armrests, legs hanging off the other armrest, chair reclined, facing the wall. I was watching the logo on my clawhammer wall flag drip like white blood. My cats, of which I had 10 at the time, 5 being kittens still nursing, were running back and forth and playing with each other. Below the wall flag is a table with a wooden CD tower, my cats Cinderella and Oreo had jumped on the table at the same time. Completely in sync and as one fluid motion they stood up, turned to look at me, arched their backs, and sat down. Their coats were flowing and Cinderella had extra golden stripes in her fur. They stared deep into my eyes for a long time and were trying to ask me telepathically if I was doing okay. I more or less alternated between laying on the floor and my recliner for the next couple hours.
Every now and then I'd hear my neighbor out front coughing. I was debating whether or not to go talk him and wait for the sun to come up. Normally, I would've put on a show from myself at various points through the night but I had no internet at the time.
As the sun was starting to really come up and I was starting to really come down, I went outside and talked with my neighbor for awhile. Told him about my night, he's actually a little bit of a hippie too. I walked to the gas station to get some food. I felt like a zombie the whole way there and back. The light made my eyes sizzle like bacon on the Texas pavement in the middle of July. It felt like my brain was a steaming bowl of scrambled eggs. My jaw felt like I got my shit rocked by Mike Tyson. I came home, ate my powdered donuts despite only being able to taste it's texture which was low-key wigging me out, and watched either Space Ghost Coast to Coast or The Trip Keeper on my phone till I passed out.
The next morning (afternoon), my dad picked me up and we hung the whole day while I recovered and slowly returned to feeling human again. I bummed a cigarette off my dad and decided while smoking it that it was my last cigarette. I actually quit all nicotine for a month and half after this night. I started back up purely because of a bad (tested real) Acid/Nitrous Trip.
I do wanna add while not using nicotine I had vivid dreams about smoking cigarettes and vaping. Keep posted for the follow up stories about my bad Acid/Nitrous Trip, Smoking Dreams, and Snorting Hydroxyzine with Alcohol cause I bet The Trip Keeper wants to hear that last one.

• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.
Uhm, I’m a 14yo female, I’m a pretty typical teen I guess. Got the weird mental health thing going on and I’m pretty angsty but I suppose it’s pretty standard for a teen?
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
Not a medical diagnosis but I’m suspected to have mild depression
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
I grew up in a religious household but it wasn’t too bad, I left when I was 11 and my parents couldn’t care less. I do have a more conservative dad and a more liberal mom but that’s whatever. I am bisexual though which my dad probably won’t appreciate as he doesn’t like gay people, I haven’t come out to my family though so that’s pretty fun. My parents are loving but my mom is sometimes emotionally distant, whereas my dad is SUPER loving. But I don’t really reciprocate that love, I was never lovey dovey with my family, I don’t have a particularly strong emotional connection/bond with them for some reason. Whenever I show my love physically it’s more of a “damn I have to do this cause it looks like I don’t love them.” Which is completely my fault, not my parents. I mean I do love my parents but it’s more of a “they’re my parents and they do things for me so i have to love them.” my parents are completely chill and not strict at all so this isn’t a family issue. Sometimes my friends tell me how they buy stuff for their parents or plan special vacations for them and I think “wow, I’m a shit child.” So I do feel guilty at times because my parents are my world but I don’t have a close bond with them.
• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I don’t have a job atm seeing as I am 14, but I’m starting my art commissions soon! I like doing art and I want to make more money, hence the art commissions. But I do believe in the belief that hobbies shouldn’t be your job as it blurs the line between past times where you do things for the fun of it whereas doing it for your job takes the fun out of it since it’s mandatory and you’re not working for yourself, you’re working for others. But art commissions allow me to pay back for what my parents do for me and to have some extra spending money.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
Before, I probably would’ve felt amazing for the first day but lonely on the second. I’m a huge peoples person and an extrovert so I need my human bonding time. It’s a way for me to project my feelings and thoughts onto others but it’s also an ego thing for me. I need to hang out with others to show that I’m not lonely and I do in fact have friends because there was a time in my life where all I would do was rot at home all day, which I didn’t have a problem with but it was very lonely at times. Sometimes I force myself to hang out with others because I don’t want to go back to that stage where I was a shell of who I used to be. If I was alone for a whole weekend I would immerse myself into books, anime, manga, and my hobbies to forget about my existence because if I was ever left alone with my actual thoughts I would probably die because I’m a super self aware person. I’m so self aware sometimes I literally have to find philosophy videos so that I can think about other things and not lead myself down the rabbithole of self pity and guilt. But being self aware doesn’t mean that I change myself for the better. I know my weaknesses and I know my toxic traits but I won’t do anything to actually change unless I have the motivation to do so. Nowadays I like being alone and I would probably feel refreshed to just spend two days alone because the other 5 I am constantly with others. Being alone is a way for me to disassociate and I love it.
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
I LOVE “self” activities where I do stuff myself, such as drawing, reading, writing, etc.. But I also love activities with other people such as debating, being in bands etc.. I play badminton for fun, I’m not particularly good at it but it’s exhilarating for me. I am definitely not good at sports lol, but I am good at lifting weights! 10/10 for that self improvement, lol. I really love to debate, to discuss about things and see them through different perspectives. But unfortunately I don’t do it often because my friends aren’t the ones to debate. I seriously love to debate and to argue about worldly topics that are slightly political to more philosophical and moral topics. It allows me to be more open minded about the world because I’m being challenged about my beliefs, everything I know, etc.. But I also do it for the pure fun of it, I love destroying people in debates (corny, I know).
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
I’m not a very curious person I suppose. But I have a lot of ideas in my head that are only up to the drawing board but never the execution phase, sadly. I’m not naturally curious, I just love learning new things (is that a contradiction?) haha. I wouldn’t say that curious is the right word, but I am curious about life itself and other moral things. Like why are we so big on morality, why do we think that the human species is special, it’s hard to put my thoughts into words. How are we sure if we even have a consciousness, if we have free will, free choice. Why we think that hard work is important when most of our successes are stemmed from pure luck. Everything we do, we think, our behaviours and mannerisms all stem from our environment, our DNA, our ancestry, etc.. People who grew up poor and became successful, they had the willpower, the motivation, the mindset and personality for it. Those things are based off of environment, DNA, etc.. Did you know that your unconsciousness makes your choices before you consciously make those choices? I’m going off track, I sound edgy. Anyways, most of my ideas aren’t the ideas that you can really execute. They’re mostly to challenge what we know now. Before, back in the 1600s, people thought that the world was flat, and that there was a thing called the great chain of being. Nowadays we know better than that, but how do we know that what we know now is actually real? Or is it concepts that we give ourselves to understand the world better when they don’t actually have any real answer? We understand gravity and the laws of gravity but why are there laws of gravity (stupid question, i know)? Everything has an origin but what origin do those origins have? It’s like that story where the fish doesn’t even know what water is because it’s so painfully obvious and there that it becomes something that they can’t comprehend/don’t understand. Everything I said sounds like I’m trying to be deep but I’m actually being corny, I’m sorry I can’t explain my ideas any better than this 😔
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
I’m not the best leader if I’m forced into it or if I’m conscious of the role of leader. I often turn into a stumbling mess of weird ideas that I can’t explain well. But I am a leader in terms of giving ideas to others and helping them execute it out? Like we don’t have a said leader follower system but in terms of the ideas and guiding it’s me who often does that. I just don’t like the physical role of leader I guess. If I were the leader I would give ideas and suggestions but I would encourage others for their ideas and based off of that we can make a hybird of our ideas and stuff, I’m terrible at ordering others around though, makes me feel like an asshole.
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
Definitely not coordinated in the slightest. My hands aren’t good at acting out what my brain tells it to do. Which is why I’m terrible at bass guitars, my bass teacher has amazing patience to not yell at me lol. The only coordinated thing I’m good at is drawing but I wouldn’t even call that coordinated, I just scribble with my hands and I make it look aesthetically pleasing. But that’s what I’m going for because I love messy, not cleanliness.
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
Haha, I’m very artistic. I love drawing, art has no rules so I can do whatever I want as long as it looks good to me. I can experiment with different things to see what goes best with my art. My art is very messy, very textured, very colourful, etc.. My sketch is my lineart because I say so and I use random colours to make my art pop out. Random scribbles turns into eyes, ears, noses, etc.. Everything has a meaning in my art. I love drawing perspective art because it challenges how I draw typically, it’s interesting and expressive and it’s out of the ordinary. Art tells stories in the way typical stories don’t. It lets you interpret a lot of things rather than having a set and objective story, because it’s purely up to the interpreter. The story is how you interpret it to be, it isn’t written in stone. It’s open ended and it doesn’t tell you how to interpret it as so, thats why I love open interpretation books!
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
Do we really have a present? Right now may be the present but every ticking second after is the past. The present is just the past but more recent, something we made up. The future is what we delude ourselves into thinking, how do we know there is a future if it is not set into stone? How do we know that we will wake up tomorrow and the day after? How do we know that we will live in the next ten minutes? We are basing everything off of the future, why we work for retirement, why we study to graduate, why we live for the future, but the future isn’t set in stone. Everything is based off of pure chance that we are still alive. It’s so standard to just think that you automatically have a future, but there’s no definite proof that we will have one, so why do we keep working our asses off for a future that may not even exist? Why work for retirement when you aren’t even sure if you’ll live til then, and if you do, why are you so sure that you will be in the right mind to enjoy that retirement? Many people live in retirement homes after retirement with mental illnesses like dementia, Alzheimers, or they live with physical illnesses like cancer or whatnot. They spent their prime years working for something that they overestimated, and now they can’t even enjoy their hard-work because they simply don’t have the capacity for that.
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
Of course I’ll help them! I’m a kindhearted being by nature, but it honestly depends if it’s in my skillset/power to help them. I help them because there’s a chance in the future that when I ask for help, they’ll help me back. Everybody can’t just function on their own, we are social mammals for a reason. We got so far in life due to the sacrifices of other human beings, so why not give back? If it doesn’t harm us to help then why not?
• Do you need logical consistency in your life?
Interesting question. Logic may be something we came up to help us understand the world better and to help us function, so everybody does need a bit of logical consistency in their lives. But for me personally, I couldn’t care less. Society is built on a system of theories and concepts to help us explain things and to keep us functioning with rules and shit. But sometimes we forget that there are things out of our understanding that can’t be explained by that system, and that’s just life! Not everything has to have a logical explanation or whatnot, that’s just the fun of it.
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
Productivity is important, efficiency? Sort of I guess. Currently in this time period, I’m not a very productive person, thinking about all the things I need to do stresses me out and gives me anxiety because I can be so unproductive it damages my mental health. Efficiency is nice if you’re rushing to do things but I like to take my time.
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
I don’t control others in the sense that I order them around, but I control their view of me I guess? From the outside I seem like a very outgoing, happy go lucky person who is like an open book, but unfortunately I am not that person. I’m a reserved person at heart, I have a lot of friends but I only trust one. But I make it seem like I trust all of them? Hard to explain, I know. Sometimes when I’m stuck in rough situations I spin lies to make it seem like I’m the good person, I guess that’s called controlling and manipulation? Ultimately, I think about myself the most so everything I do is for my self preservation. So you can say that I’m controlling others in the sense that I can save myself? I know that’s not good and I’m trying to change my ways though.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
Reading, writing, playing bass guitar, drawing, reading manga/watching anime. All of them have a thing in common which is that I get to disassociate myself from my reality and immerse myself into a different world where I get to pretend that I’m living a different life where everything is tailored to my standards, where I have no responsibility, etc.. I used to have this daydreaming thing where I would daydream for hours while walking around in circles, dreaming about my perfect world. I don’t do that as often but I definitely use other outlets for that. I get to be a different person, play a different role, live a different life when I practice my hobbies.
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
I like a learning environment where everything is subjective, open ended, where they give us space for open interpretation and our own ideas instead of a set system with an objective way of thinking patterns. Which is what I struggle with the most, just a set system of what to think where I can’t debate/challenge it. When I learn, I need an explanation, a reason, etc.. I want different opinions, different perspectives instead of just one opinion and one perspective and no explanation as to why. How will we grow as beings if we don’t have any critical thinking skills? If we just learn to think one way, and to never challenge our beliefs? Nowadays people just believe everything they see (I am a victim of this LMAO) but they don’t have the critical thinking skills to think “is there any proof? is there a demonstration of this? any explanation?” Because we are so used to others doing the thinking for us. I also hate memorisation because it’s essentially “Here, I’ll give you a bunch of things to memorise but with no reason as to why we should and how this helps us learn and will be useless in the future because all we know is what to do but not why we do it.” You’re just parroting the information but not actually evaluating it in your head!
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?
I am not a strategist, I’m a “go with the flow” type of person, I just wing stuff and improvise as I go because it helps with thinking and helps me better improve my explaining/arguing skills. I don’t plan off a script where I edit everything until it looks perfect, these are my raw thoughts and feelings that I’m putting out into this world. But then again I’m too fucking lazy to actually write a script and shit so LMAO. But then again random ideas are the best ideas because they tend to be unbiased and come from the creative side of your brain.
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?
I find that most of my aspirations in life are set by what society tells me to do, like I have to work a good paying job and have a stable life where I settle down and have a family. And maybe that’s what I want to do but honestly I just want to travel the world, typical, I know. I want to make a bunch of friends wherever I go and backpack across the world or something. I don’t need to make a lot of money because it doesn’t matter how much you make, having a 6k figure salary only means a two bedroom apartment with barely enough to scrap by after living expenses where i live, and it’ll only continue to get more expensive after i graduate so. but sometimes in the back of my mind, i just want to live in solitude surrounded by my favourite things without having any responsibilities, where i am forgotten by the world.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?
I don’t really have any set fears? I can’t really think of anything other than roaches going up my ears, or any insect for that matter. Maybe dying a really painful death but that’s better than torture, or existing but not living. like having a body but no mind. I read a few stories about the elderly being trapped in their body, basically like living zombies forced to live until they die. i’m just uncomfortable with the idea that you can’t “exit” life even after your soul has withered away and your existence serves no purpose to anything until your body breaks down. it’s like you’re numb to everything and you can’t comprehend anything but you have only that one window of consciousness that you can’t even exercise because you aren’t in control of your body. you know nothing, you don’t know who you are, who your loved ones are, etc.. You are basically reduced to the empty shell of your former self. Scary, huh?
• What do the "highs" in your life look like?
Healthy balance of a social life, actually being social without forcing yourself to be. having a healthy relationship with yourself, with your loved ones. not having debilitating thoughts wherever you go.
• What do the "lows" in your life look like?
being numb to everything, having debilitating thoughts where you despise everyone in your life, think the worst of everyone in your life, self sabotaging relationships, distancing from relationships. being high-functioning because you look so happy outside but you actually haven’t showered in two weeks, haven’t brushed your hair in a month nor brushed your teeth in a week, and locked yourself inside your room til you can’t anymore. sleeping all the time because that’s the closest thing to not existing, immersing yourself into anime and manga because you can forget shit going on in your life. feeling like shit but not actually having a reason for that. I SOUND SO EDGY????
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
I like to detach a lot, whenever I have free time I listen to music whenever I can to distract myself from reality. I daydream everyday because sometimes I’m so stressed out by the future that I want to leave. But day dreaming has always been a habit of mines, I started daydreaming around 7yrs old and I would daydream for hours about my perfect life and stuff and building alternate realities and intricate plots because that’s so much fun. I never pay attention to the things around me, I don’t think I even pay attention to anyone but myself. I’m not the type to pay attention to my surroundings so I’m not aware of what others think of me or how they act around me. When I daydream I often stare at the ground or zone out so I’m not aware of my surroundings LOL.
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
I daydream while walking around in circles, often about fandoms that I’m in. I also talk to myself a lot like I’m my own narrator. I like to think a lot about the universe itself because I don’t need to think about my life. I never actually have a set pattern of thoughts, they tend to jump around from thought to thought. So I’ll think a bit about the universe then it jumps to my fantasy land until it jumps to my past experiences and it jumps to myself, etc.. I’ll also think about things that I need to do, like finishing that one piece of artwork or practicing that new bass line I learnt.
• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?
I can be very impulsive at times but I already have a set answer to everything because I just am that person. I know what I want and it doesn’t take a lot for me to figure it out because like I said, I’m a very self aware person. I tend to be very indecisive when it comes to unimportant decisions though because they’re things that I can enjoy in the moment so I like to take my time deciding. Sometimes after making an important decision I might change it, but it’s usually because the situation has changed or another factor has changed or I gained a new perspective. But I am most often not unmoving after setting my decision.
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
Depends on how extreme my emotions are. When my grandma died, it took me a whole month to process that I was grieving, I was basically numb/shocked until I went to her funeral and that was the first time I ever cried about her passing. Grief is a weird thing. Emotions are important but I don’t really care about them. I’m basically a “as long as it doesn’t harm anyone then whatever” type of person.
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
Very often, actually, and I fucking hate it. Because whenever they say anything negative about something with no basis or explanation and I have to explain with them my perspective and the explanation of why that thing happens and they get pissy about me for it and think that I’m arguing. No, I’m not arguing, no, I’m not offended. I’m just trying to explain about why something they’re mad at is like that. They don’t like it when I give them logical arguments and questions because it breaks everything they know. So I usually keep quiet and rage silently while they go through their stupid mindfucks. I’m not about to risk my life explaining logic to someone who couldn’t give a shit. Like no Jennifer, you indoctrinate gay people, not the other way around. we literally get the death penalty in multiple countries for being gay and you’re saying that we’re trying to indoctrinate little timmy cause two girls were kissing each other?
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
I don’t break rules often unless they’re rules I deem stupid. Some rules are only kept in place to control others into thinking or acting a certain way. Authority should definitely be challenged to deem if they are fit enough to order us around. If we give them free reign of what to do then it won’t take long until a tyrant is ruling around. We are what gives them power, not the other way around. I break rules sometimes because I see no reason why I should follow those rules. If it doesn’t affect anyone then why should I care?

Hello to everyone who is reading this. I don't usually post anything online but Today i'm here because I feel lost. I can't see a clear path for me right now
It all started in February 2024, just enjoying life like a normal person would, I caught a cold, I thought it would be normal but surprise, here I am. So the first thing i noticed was that the mucus was very thick and sticky, never had anything like this happen to me before, with general antibiotics and some rest my cold went away, but nevertheless I was left with post nasal drip and a bit of a cough. I also noticed changes in my skin like acne.
I was back to normal except that I continued with post nasal drip and cough, dry cough which was escalating to the point of not letting me sleep in peace. I went to a general practitioner and he gave me amoxicillin and Acetylcysteine. Fortunately this cleared up my cough but I still had a postnasal drip.
My face got puffy, and my fingertips (mostly on my right hand) became swollen, no pain, I also started having other symptoms like numbness in my hands and feet (not all the time but more common when bending over or crouching).
So the summer of 2023 came and I set out to find out what was really going on with my body. I ran some lab tests, which were all normal.
So I decided to go to an ENT, he told me there must be some mucus that was left behind, so saline and fluticasone washes should be enough, which didn't fix anything, so I went to an internist.
He gave me fluticasone, antihistamines and antibiotics for sinusitis (Cefixime) Again, nothing changed. At this point my acne got so bad that I needed accutane to get my skin clear again. After my successful accutane course of five months I went again to the internal doctor and he ordered some labs. In this case the results were monocytes and eosinophils slightly elevated, as well as a nasal swab test, IgG and IgE.
Results for the test showed both IgG and IgE at normal values, but elevated eosinophils in the nose.
The med referred me to an infectologist which ordered other lab tests (Aspergillus,ANCA , p- ANCA, CT Sinus Scan and a nasal culture) This to look for vascular origin.
CT showed inflammation in maxillary ,ethmoidal and frontal sinus, some thickening of mucus . Aspergillus, ANCA and P-ANCA came back as negative.
Nasal culture showed Staph Aureus resistant to Vancomycin. Idk it if it was a coincidence or something but i got a boil in my right cheek at that time, i got an antiseptic and it went away after a couple of days
After a month I went back with the internal medic, he ordered an ANA test which I'm getting done next week.
Here I am, feeling like I have spent too much money over the course of a year without even being able to find out what I really have, without an answer so I can start treatment with symptoms that affect my quality of life as well as my overall self esteem. I avoid looking in the mirror because I look so different from what I once used to look like. I avoid going out to public places other than college, I am pursuing a STEM degree and it’s really too much stress in itself. I feel like a nuisance in my house, I don't even like going to the doctor because I know my dad will think it's all an exaggeration of me and because it's too expensive.
I would just like to have another chance, and I question myself why it happened. What did I do to deserve this? I take care of my health. I go to the gym, I don't smoke, I don't drink and I have big goals I want to achieve. I fear getting diagnosed with EGPA or wegener’s because my family doesn’t have the money at the moment for a treatment that expensive
I ask God everyday to help me get out of this.
If you read this, any kind of recommendation is appreciated.
Recent relevant labs

• Left nose eosinophils : 27% in 0-5 range
• Right nose eosinophils : 32% in 0-5 range
• Nasal culture : Staph Aureus resistant to vancomycin and Clindamycin
• CT scan : Inflammation in maxillary,ethmoidal and frontal sinus, clear and with presence of small mucus thickening

Current physical observations:

• Puffy face and eye bags
• Puffy hand fingertips(more noticeable in right hand)
• Thick sticky mucus
• Stuffy nose
• Numbness when crouching or going to the restroom (peripheral neuropathy)
• Inflammation across the body
• Shortness of breath when running

Have a good day.

I am struggling to put how I feel into words. Over the last few months, my anxiety has gotten worse. I am leaving my house less and less. I WANT to leave, but I am too scared to. I have no issue with going outside, but I do not want to be out in public or be in the car for too long. I am chronically ill. I have endometriosis, PCOS, Celiac, and IBS. I have been dealing with pain in some way shape or form since I was 10 years old. I am now 27 and my anxiety is at an all time high. I am on Fluvoxamine for my anxiety, depression, and OCD, but I feel like it is no longer working despite the many times my psychiatrist has had me increase the dosage. (This medication has worked well for years, but now it is not.) For the last three weeks, I have also been experiencing an increase in panic attacks, migraines, and vertigo. My panic attacks have also changed in how they present themselves. Before, I would feel IBS symptoms during my panic attacks. Now, I get the chills, tingles all over my body, facial numbness, and numbness in my hands. The only thing that has changed is my birth control pill. I got off of it in January after being on it since 2016, but I am not sure if this could even be related. I was supposed to go get an MRI done on Saturday, but my anxiety was so severe that I ended up rescheduling. I feel so depressed and lost. I have a virtual appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and my therapist on Friday. I am doing what I can to take care of myself and treat the symptoms. My husband has been wonderful and supportive during this difficult time, but I know that we would both be happier if I was able to get out of the house more. I work from home so I tend to naturally spend more time at home than some people, but now I am fearful of going out in public. It's like I am scared I will have a panic attack or have an IBS flare up so I choose to avoid it all together. Despite my wonderful support system, I still feel so embarrassed and alone in my feelings. If you have any advice or similar stories, please let me know. <3 Thank you for listening to me.

I am struggling to put how I feel into words. Over the last few months, my anxiety has gotten worse. I am leaving my house less and less. I WANT to leave, but I am too scared to. I have no issue with going outside, but I do not want to be out in public or be in the car for too long. I am chronically ill. I have endometriosis, PCOS, Celiac, and IBS. I have been dealing with pain in some way shape or form since I was 10 years old. I am now 27 and my anxiety is at an all time high. I am on Fluvoxamine for my anxiety, depression, and OCD, but I feel like it is no longer working despite the many times my psychiatrist has had me increase the dosage. (This medication has worked well for years, but now it is not.) For the last three weeks, I have also been experiencing an increase in panic attacks, migraines, and vertigo. My panic attacks have also changed in how they present themselves. Before, I would feel IBS symptoms during my panic attacks. Now, I get the chills, tingles all over my body, facial numbness, and numbness in my hands. The only thing that has changed is my birth control pill. I got off of it in January after being on it since 2016, but I am not sure if this could even be related. I was supposed to go get an MRI done on Saturday, but my anxiety was so severe that I ended up rescheduling. I feel so depressed and lost. I have a virtual appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and my therapist on Friday. I am doing what I can to take care of myself and treat the symptoms. My husband has been wonderful and supportive during this difficult time, but I know that we would both be happier if I was able to get out of the house more. I work from home so I tend to naturally spend more time at home than some people, but now I am fearful of going out in public. It's like I am scared I will have a panic attack or have an IBS flare up so I choose to avoid it all together. Despite my wonderful support system, I still feel so embarrassed and alone in my feelings. If you have any advice or similar stories, please let me know. <3 Thank you for listening to me.

Trigger Warning: Graphic SA account
First post. Not sure what to say or put, but my wife and I need help.
My 6 year old daughter told us extremely recently that her grandfather (my father) molested her while she was over his house. Her grandmother was in the shower and my daughter was using a separate bathroom. He came in and put his hands down the front of her pants.
My daughter did not tell us this for several months and cannot recall that exact date it happened. She told us she was scared she would get in trouble. She has told us her story three times over the last two days and the details have remained consistent. For the past couple of months, my parents have offered for her to sleep over and she has made excuses to not do it..now we know why. I am grateful we did not force her to go.
My heart is broken and I want this to be a dream. However, I believe my daughter’s account even though I don’t want to. My dad and I have been close over the years and I never saw him fitting to commit such a terrible things. He has helped my family out in countless ways over the years, and the memories that I have are now seen through the lenses of his actions. I will defend my innocent daughter to the fullest, but it does not change the numbness I feel inside.
I have a sibling that is living with my dad who is in and out of rehab for drugs. My Mom has depression and a generative disease on top of this. If/when they were to find out, I know it will change things forever for them too.
We have notified my daughter’s pediatrician who in turn notified DHS. We have also notified my daughter’s school authorities to help support her on that front. We have not confronted my dad or told any one in the family.
I am confused on what we should do and where to go from here. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

INTRODUCTION Hello Reddit, this is something I have suffered from for around 5 years. I went to many doctors, but they didn't seem interested. Maybe I didn't describe my symptoms in good enough detail, or there were other reasons. In any case, I will try to do my best here since I don't know what else to do, it's affecting my life real bad.
ME I am a 19 year old male. 177cm in height, around 70kg. Perfeclty healthy my whole life, minor knee problems when I was in rapid growth in 8th grade. I'm not taking any medications, and never anything specific other than over the counter antibiotics when I had colds. That's it. Tried vitamins, magnesium, b12, iron, but nothing really impacted what was happening.
SYMPTOMS My symptoms go like this: Whenever I feel a strong emotion (90% of the time only good emotions) like euphoria, excitement or some general anxiety my hands go stiff, all 5 of my fingers stiffen up into a fist, or sometimes they form some weird shape, like gripping a computer mouse for example. 4/5 times when this happens my face and neck start feeling numb and kind of lock up as well, cause me to talk a bit funny, having trouble to lift my tongue and make certain sounds.
These symptoms don't occur everytime I feel something, rather they just pop at random times when feeling a strong emotion. Sometimes it could be a day or two that it didn't happen. Sometimes it happens multiple times a day.
I have tried everything to pinpoint when or why it happens. It does not matter if I'm thinking about this exact thing, but it did happen two me once or twice while I was explaining this to someone else.
It mostly happens when im feeling excited about something, rather positively.
A lot when driving. I really love driving and have done it much more than I can stress here, but it usually does happen when I drive. Not always, not at any precise point in the trip. It can be at the beginning, the end, the middle, any point really.
If I hadn't talked or thought about a topic that excites me in a long time and then I did, it would most likely happen. Generally when I talk to people about certain things and get excited, It would happen. It is really shameful and I try to hide it.
EXTREME INCIDENT #1 I had an extreme incident with this problem as well. When I was on my last day of a vacation, this happened the morning of when we were about to leave. Half an hour before it happened, I didn't really feel anything, due to other reasons I was feeling a bit sad, but mostly just stoic and cold. Then all of a sudden it started attacking, but instead of only my arms, It went everywhere. Everything locked up, my legs, shouldes, back,, even my neck, which meant I couldn't really breathe properly, and I was talking in a very funny way, kind of like a speech impediment. Luckily, and I cannot stress enough how lucky I was, there was a hospital with an ER, 50 meters away. My friends kind of nudged me there, I was barely walking, looked like a penguin. Explained to my doctors what was happening and they were really confused. They saw I was in a lot of pain and was talking real funny, so they mixed up some medicine into a syringe and gave it to me, into my butt muscle. I felt A LOT of pain, and was in that same pain for the next 45 minutes till I passed out. The pain was something I never experienced before, the doctors said the medicine would kick in in around 5 minutes but as I said, 45 minutes of me rumbling and screeching in pain, while barely moving, since that would probably cause my shoulders to pop out of place or really any other joint.
EXTREME INCIDENT #2 I train high diving, but a traditional form of it which does not really involve all those flips, but rather going into the water head first. I've been competing in it for only the past 3 years. This condition always affected me but, as there are two rounds per competition, it would go away in the second round as all the tension finally breaks. And it was mild as well.
But one year I got hurt in a competition. Hit my head on a rock at the bottom of the river I was diving in. Turned out I was fine, no change in my life, no change in the condition after that. Next year when I came back to the same place to compete, I felt this sense of impeding doom. So much tension building, I had 2 competitions 2 days before and I was relatively fine and the attacks didn't occur as much or as hard as the would normally. But that thay I got so locked up, so stiff I couldn't open my fists even when forcing the two really hard against one another. My neck also stiffened up and I couldn't talk properly, this all happened like 10 to 15 minutes before the dive. Well, they yelled my name, I got onto the diving position of the bridge, and honestly I never dove worse. Thankfully I didn't get hurt but I hit the water in a very weird way and it was painful. I was just happy I was alive, but one thing that stuck with me is that this time it didn't go away. All the tension broke off, I didn't even make it into the 2nd series so I had nothing to worry about, but the attack still lasted for around 20 to 30 minutes.
From that moment I am scared to continue practicing this sport. :(
DOCTOR'S NOTES After the first incident, I went to the doctors in my own country, with a discharge note from my visit to the ER which basically said I had a stronger reaction to stress, they didn't really know why.
I went to a neurologist, explained my symptoms basically the same as I did here.
He did those standard coordination tests and questions I guess all of them do, passed those perfectly I think. He told me he can only wait for results of my tests to come back, if there's nothing - I'm on my own.
Got an MRI, EEG, EKG, urine and blood tests. Nothing.
Neurologist and radiologist said they haven't seen a healthier brain in a while...
I felt devastated, he's like a top neurologist in my country as well.
I also went to a private clinic, since this was a state owned hospital. Did some tests there, brought the tests from the state hospital for a second opinion. They told me the only possible thing they can think of is like a vitamin or mineral deficiency. Nah, tried all of the things they prescribed with no effect or correlation to my condition.
They all seemed so uninterested, maybe because I'm a teenager, maybe I didn't paint enough of a picture of how much it really effects me and just thought it is regular stress that I'm not coping with very well. Reddit, I would like to tell you after 5 years of experimenting with this, it really isn't only stress. I had many, many, worse, more traumatic, serious events happen to me, reacting perfectly normal as anyone else would, I'd say even more rational and thoughtful as compared to others. While some of these other situations that can't be even considered stressful in my opinion lock me up real bad.
Please help, nobody in my life is interested in this, I'm thinking of quitting high diving because it affects that as well and I don't want to lose my head because of this, since it is an extreme sport.
Thanks to all of you in any case, even if you just read this.

Hello to everyone who is reading this. I don't usually post anything online but Today i'm here because I feel lost. I can't see a clear path for me right now
It all started in February 2024, just enjoying life like a normal person would, I caught a cold, I thought it would be normal but surprise, here I am. So the first thing i noticed was that the mucus was very thick and sticky, never had anything like this happen to me before, with general antibiotics and some rest my cold went away, but nevertheless I was left with post nasal drip and a bit of a cough. I also noticed changes in my skin like acne.
I was back to normal except that I continued with post nasal drip and cough, dry cough which was escalating to the point of not letting me sleep in peace. I went to a general practitioner and he gave me amoxicillin and Acetylcysteine. Fortunately this cleared up my cough but I still had a postnasal drip.
My face got puffy, and my fingertips (mostly on my right hand) became swollen, no pain, I also started having other symptoms like numbness in my hands and feet (not all the time but more common when bending over or crouching).
So the summer of 2023 came and I set out to find out what was really going on with my body. I ran some lab tests, which were all normal.
So I decided to go to an ENT, he told me there must be some mucus that was left behind, so saline and fluticasone washes should be enough, which didn't fix anything, so I went to an internist.
He gave me fluticasone, antihistamines and antibiotics for sinusitis (Cefixime) Again, nothing changed. At this point my acne got so bad that I needed accutane to get my skin clear again. After my successful accutane course of five months I went again to the internal doctor and he ordered some labs. In this case the results were monocytes and eosinophils slightly elevated, as well as a nasal swab test, IgG and IgE.
Results for the test showed both IgG and IgE at normal values, but elevated eosinophils in the nose.
The med referred me to an infectologist which ordered other lab tests (Aspergillus,ANCA , p- ANCA, CT Sinus Scan and a nasal culture) This to look for vascular origin.
CT showed inflammation in maxillary ,ethmoidal and frontal sinus, some thickening of mucus . Aspergillus, ANCA and P-ANCA came back as negative.
Nasal culture showed Staph Aureus resistant to Vancomycin. Idk it if it was a coincidence or something but i got a boil in my right cheek at that time, i got an antiseptic and it went away after a couple of days
After a month I went back with the internal medic, he ordered an ANA test which I'm getting done next week.
Here I am, feeling like I have spent too much money over the course of a year without even being able to find out what I really have, without an answer so I can start treatment with symptoms that affect my quality of life as well as my overall self esteem. I avoid looking in the mirror because I look so different from what I once used to look like. I avoid going out to public places other than college, I am pursuing a STEM degree and it’s really too much stress in itself. I feel like a nuisance in my house, I don't even like going to the doctor because I know my dad will think it's all an exaggeration of me and because it's too expensive.
I would just like to have another chance, and I question myself why it happened. What did I do to deserve this? I take care of my health. I go to the gym, I don't smoke, I don't drink and I have big goals I want to achieve. I fear getting diagnosed with EGPA or wegener’s because my family doesn’t have the money at the moment for a treatment that expensive
I ask God everyday to help me get out of this.
If you read this, any kind of recommendation is appreciated.
Recent relevant labs

• Left nose eosinophils : 27% in 0-5 range
• Right nose eosinophils : 32% in 0-5 range
• Nasal culture : Staph Aureus resistant to vancomycin and Clindamycin
• CT scan : Inflammation in maxillary,ethmoidal and frontal sinus, clear and with presence of small mucus thickening

Current physical observations:

• Puffy face and eye bags
• Puffy hand fingertips(more noticeable in right hand)
• Thick sticky mucus
• Stuffy nose
• Numbness when crouching or going to the restroom (peripheral neuropathy)
• Inflammation across the body
• Shortness of breath when running

Have a good day.

20M 147lbs 5’7 Heart rate today - about 75bpm Blood pressure today - 120/70 Somewhat balanced diet
no prior health conditions or extremities
Quit cannabis on march 29
elevated heart rate and blood pressure ever since but is getting better (rather slowly)
Doctor prescribed Quetiapine Furamate 50mg x2 daily for my anxiety but quit taking it after 2 days for side effects (this was 2.5 weeks ago)
Doctor prescribed Propranolol 20mg x2 daily for elevated heart rate and blood pressure Have since used it for 3 weeks
Fast forward to 2 days ago i woke up to my left arm numb and red in certain spots, witj my blanket pattern pressed onto my skin, concluded that i slept on it. Im pretty sure ive slept on my arms before but has never been this severe. so I assume it’s because of the propranolol.
Yesterday just cold feet after work.
Today i woke up to see some of my feet veins were slightly purple and red skin in certain areas. And my right pinky toe was numb. Went away with some walking.
Tonight i took half my dose instead and still feel my feet are cold and get red skin in certain spots when i sit for too long.
This is the first time i’m experiencing this “lack of circulation”
Could this be a side effect of propranolol? (although i haven’t read anything about numbness only cold feet/hands) I have read that Propranolol can cause raynauds like symptoms.
Could this be an issue with my heart?
Other symptoms Random chest pain that goes away quickly (likely due to anxiety)
Stomach/rib pain that comes and goes but worsens at night (likely due to anxiety)
Possible Acid reflux issues like heart burn (likely due to anxiety)
Earlier i had a sting pain in my left side of chest when i inhaled too deeply and when i bent down, they have since gone away. (not sure what caused this, probably heart burn?)
Are these signs that i should lowestop taking Propranolol? Are these signs of a heart condition i developed while on Propranolol?
Anything helps and thanks in advance.
Edit: extra info, info correction

My new-ish PT recently started having me do bridges (like in the last week). I had a sneaking suspicion that they'd cause problems, but gave them a go because I've been wrong before. Anyway, sadly I was right. Now I just need to figure out why exactly. Can anyone help?
I have multiple issues, but since they're kind of lower back specific, my L3/L4, L4/L5, and L5/S1 discs are deteriorating and I have severe foraminal stenosis at L4/L5 (bilateral) and L5/S1 (bilateral, but more left than right) with moderate central stenosis at both those levels due to broad based bulges. I also have hyptertrophied facets at L5/S1 (I think, though I'm not looking at the report right now.) Compression of L5 root and contact of S1 root. I also have known tronchateric bursitis that's a good... couple of decades old and flares off and on.
I have squeezing pain in my low back and have had numbness/tingling groin to foot on left, and tingling in leg/foot on right. It's been noticeable since ... summer, maybe? Maybe longer? I'm not really sure anymore. The last couple of months I've had increasing weakness in my left leg but overall a slight decrease in the tingling. Yes, my doctor knows all of this. I'm doing PT for now and then have a consult with ortho this week and neurosurgery in June to discuss options. I currently walk with a cane when I'm not at home.
I already know extension irritates me for whatever reason. I feel a distinct pinch across the L4/L5 level, so I have to be careful. I can lay prone with my chin on my hands, but that's about as far as I can go comfortably and even then I start to feel twinges in my left foot after about 20 seconds.
​
OK. Sorry for the long ass story. My question is this. Lately I've had squeezing down to my tailbone that got significantly worse now that I've started doing the bridges. I have tried breaking down into shorter sets, reducing the range of motion on the exercises, etc. Reducing the range helped a tiny bit, but the extra squeezing pain is still there. (I probably will lay off them until I can discuss further with my PT this week.)
If anyone has any ideas, or even questions I should ask at my appointment this week with ortho, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm kind of over it and am ready to not play whack-a-mole, honestly.

Dibakar Banerjee’s latest offering, Love Sex Aur Dhokha 2, has opened to critical acclaim. But the filmmaker has yet to move on from the pain of his unreleased work, Tees. Spanning three generations of a family, Tees is said to reflect “the personal, ideological and sexual history of India”. Netflix was slated to release it in 2022, but pulled the plug on it—an episode that Banerjee says he hasn’t been able to move past. “It’s definitely not easy to go on, keeping aside the project I gave my all to. Your therapist bills go up a lot when the sense of repression, rage, anger, and absolute helplessness catch you, and you have to still plod on through the day,” says the director.
Banerjee is known for his searing films, from Shanghai (2012) to Sandeep Aur Pinky Faraar (2021), and it’s heard that Tees was no different, a scathing political movie. The filmmaker is now seeking producers to buy it from the streaming giant. “In 2022, [the officials at] Netflix said, ‘Looking at the times around us, we don’t think it would be correct to release this film.’ They owned the film. They paid me fully. So, they can do whatever they want.”
He is well-aware that a director like him has to constantly hustle to take his movies to the audience, more so when it’s a political drama. Banerjee believes the genre of political dramas is dead in India, where the population indulges in hero-worshipping and has become numb to critical thinking. “Between oligarchy of distribution, OTT platforms, retail outlets, all the companies that disburse content today and a state that’s anxiously trying to curtail the expression of diversity of thought, this was supposed to happen. When you hand over your destiny to the Baahubali who promises to deliver you from all evil, when you stop thinking and engaging in collective action and become a crowd instead of a dynamic society, this is inevitable.”
https://www.mid-day.com/entertainment/bollywood-news/article/love-sex-aur-dhokha-2-director-dibakar-banerjee-your-therapist-bills-go-up-you-feel-rage-helplessness-23346375

for starters, i am 21 and have never had this happen to me before. i didn’t even know what a bartholins cyst was until a couple days ago!
tuesday (23rd) i woke up with pain down there on the right side and what felt like a lump. the next day it had easily tripled in size and hurt even more. it was definitely a pain i could handle but it hurt to do anything!! and it was so uncomfortable i couldn’t even sleep. after seeing how large it got, i went to google and that’s when i found out about a bartholins cyst and knew that’s what it was immediately. i scheduled a drs appointment for the next day (25th). i thought my dr would just drain it or tell me to wait until it pops on its own and i’d be on my way.. but boy was i wrong. the day got progressively worse and within a few hours i was in emergency surgery. basically, my dr did confirm it was a bartholins cyst. she told me i should get it drained at the obgyn so within an hour that’s what i was doing. the numbing shot almost made me come up off the table, thankfully my mom was there to let me squeeze her hand lol. as my gynecologist was draining it, she told me all that was coming out of it was blood. at one point she said she thought something was blocking it because it was no longer draining anymore. that’s when she pulled out a MASSIVE blood clot. i’ll post a picture in the comments. my gyno was in awe telling me she had never seen anything like that in a bartholins cyst. after awhile, she did start to seem worried although i could tell she was masking it. this was because the cyst would not stop bleeding. she had applied pressure and had even had me squeeze my thighs together with gauze in between in hopes that it would control it. there was blood everywhere!! at least 2-3 times i had to lift up off the table so they could replace the pad that was under me. she eventually called in a dr from the hospital to come check it out. that’s when it started to get scary for me.
he ended up putting in a word catheter which my gyno had said previously that she didn’t think i needed. the dr told me if i started to bleed heavily out of the catheter, i would need to call him immediately and id have to go into surgery. this terrified me. i sat right there and cried in front of a room full of people. i’ve never had surgery before and being put under has always been my biggest fear. when he said that i just knew thats what was gonna happen. maybe 30 mins later, i get home and checked the catheter. my underwear was soaked in blood. so i called the dr and my mom and i made our way to the hospital so i could get prepped for surgery. the surgery itself lasted maybe 20 minutes. it was crazy it was literally like i blinked and i was out of the OR. i did have a problem with waking up though. they said i was combative and fighting. what i remember is hearing the dr say my name over and over again but i was still out. it was like i wasn’t waking up. i think i was so freaked out that i was fighting without realizing it. the cyst was cauterized and packed. it’s now day 3 and tomorrow i go in to get the packing removed and continue healing. pain wise - im okay. i was prescribed a couple pain meds but they haven’t really completely stopped the pain. it’s still a lot of discomfort. oh, and i started my period yesterday so that adds to the rest of this mess 🙃
right now, everyone is confused as to why this happened. the cyst wasn’t infected and it was ONLY filled with blood and that blood clot. they also said for it to have gotten that big within 2 days is unheard of. i’ll need to have more testing done to try and figure out what could have caused that. i also had MULTIPLE vials of blood taken while i was at the obgyn and at the hospital, but nothing has really come back weird. currently i am really scared for tomorrow because i don’t know if it’ll hurt to take the packing out. i’m also scared if something else goes wrong, especially for the aftercare. i have NO idea what to do/what not to do. i don’t want the area to get infected. i’m sure the drs will tell me more but right now my anxiety is on 10. should i get a peri bottle? should i soak in the bath? idk but this has been an adventure to say the least. i never have any medical problems, i rarely even get sick so this has been a lot for me. i’m just ready for it to all be over.

I, a 28 year old women, have falling in love with my physiotherapist, a 35 year old man.
I've been going to physical therapy for like 2 fucking years now for a variety of issues. Back pain, hamstring pain, knee pain, and now my nerve damage in my left arm. A brachial plexus injury to be specific.
I saw a multitude of PTs at my time there, but my current guy is the one I have seen the most at least for my nerve damage in my arm.
He'd get pretty physical with me and uhh... I liked it. He'd massage parts of my chest, cup them, and other things to help my left arm stop being so god damn nervey.
He and I would chat a lot and found out we have a lot in common. Like, holy shit a lot. I tend to just say shit with no filter.
At one point, I admitted that I liked it when he touched me. Being as I am a god damn femcel who never had a boyfriend, no one's ever really been physical with me. He then admitted he would ask the clerk at the PT place to change my appointments so I'd see him rather than the other PTs because he liked me.
I was shocked. I thought it was all coincidence. In my entire time, no one has ever liked me that much. My parents hated me, I never had friends in school, in my 8 years in the Army I could be friendly with people but failed to make friends, and in my time out I spent 2 fucking years just drinking in my room and watching anime.
No one liked me or wanted me. To know he just wanted to see me was... I dunno. Weird? Nice? Good? Pleasant. I never thought someone would just want to see me because my whole life was just being alone. Part of it was my fault for being avoidant and asocial, but still.
He said he is hesitant to do shit with me as a doctopatient relationship is weird. I dunno, I kinda find it makes it better as it's taboo and shit. But also like, I just want someone to want me and he kind of does. I offered him to come over to my ghetto ass apartment to cuddle and watch The Boys with me, but I dunno if he will.
Even if he doesn't and reject me, I guess I am still happy. Someone wanted me. Not just that, but on the more PT side, my grip strength in my left hand went from fucking 10 pounds to fucking 92 pounds and my ring and pinkie finger aren't numb anymore. Plus, my left hand doesn't randomly get cold anymore, so that's nice.
But yeah, I'm a disgusting, stinky, brain damaged, loser femcel who fell the fuck in love with her doctor. I dunno.

I’m about 85 days into symptoms including perceived weakness, leg buckling, perceived slurred speech, random pain, pins and needles, numbness, etc. It even got so bad to the point that I thought misspelling words was a symptom of hand weakness. I found on my body what I thought was atrophy but upon further research, I came to the conclusion that atrophy doesn’t happen until the muscle is weak and therefore wasting away. It’s important to keep in mind that i’m also only 17 years old, so anything like AS, M, etc would be extremely extremely unlikely to begin with. The reason i’m making this post is because I’m honestly getting to the point that I think it’s so stupid for anybody to fear something that they cannot control. If I had anything wrong with me then I would be weak AF by now and I’m obviously not even though I perceive myself to be. My best piece of advice for you guys is to be completely rational about the odds of you even getting something as rare as A*S and please don’t let it waste your life away. P.S, if interested in finding a cure for these awful diseases, donating to foundations is always appreciated.

My grandfather passed away two months ago due to chronic illness. He lived 88 years, way longer than our family was expecting. I am so lucky because I lived less than a mile from my grandparents and saw them about every other week, sometimes multiple times a week. My father was never in my life after about age 3 he was extremely violent, dangerous, and a pedofile. Therefore my grandfather stepped in and was my father, I even gave him Father’s Day cards. He taught me all of the “dad things” and was my protector from not only my biological father but also my alcoholic, prescription popping, ex-crack addict, physically and emotionally abusive mother. He was the only person in my family besides my grandmother that stood up for me or spoke highly of me or was predictable emotionally. He was the only person that tried to help me with school or join a sport. He’s the only person I’ve felt comfortable to depend on. I’m 28 now and I’m grown. His death was expected I’m lucky I even had grandparents and even luckier I got to spend so much time with him. But I keep getting intrusive thoughts of the last time I saw him. I was sitting on his hospital bed and I grabbed his hand and when I looked in his eyes we both knew it was the last time we’d ever see each other again. I cried in front of him for the first time since I was probably 12 years old when my mom was still taller than me and could still hit me. Immediately after his heart rate and oxygen levels became dangerous. He has to be transferred to a more intense degree of life support. I feel like maybe he was waiting for me. I cannot get the look in his eyes when we held hands and I said goodbye out of my head. It seriously fucks me up randomly throughout the week.
I’m embarrassed because I feel like most people close to me had their biological fathers and their mothers weren’t abusive alcoholic ex drug addicts so they don’t understand that I literally feel like my father just died and I’m only 28. I see a therapist, I go outside, this is my last semester in college to get a bachelors in computer science so I keep busy - but I am so empty inside. I have almost no appetite, I don’t want to be around my friends that I normally could spend 2-3 days with nonstop, I don’t want to exercise anymore, I’m extremely pale, and I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing aside from the random times that I cry. It took 5 weeks after he passed for me to actually shed tears, before that I was completely numb it was confusing and I hated myself for not being able to cry. Anyways the reason I’m writing is I want to know when this will ever get better and if anyone without a father / their grandfather was their father felt this way as well when they passed even if the death was expected

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There is a big update at the end of the next chapter. There are two posts today as well, so don't miss them. Thanks, and sorry for the delay.
The smell of burned flesh tickled my nose, but I ignored it as I turned around. It felt like the world was moving slowly as I watched everyone react to the sudden situation. My father was wrapping himself and Dallin in a cloak of shadows. My mother’s lightning-clad hidden blade was through the throat of what seemed to be a regular citizen with a knife.
Sylvia and I were springing forward. I could hear and sense multiple people behind me, but they were of secondary concern. My heart thumped as I watched Cerila protect Padraic from a sword with her ice. Cerila let Hubris fall to the ground and instantly embraced Mila, bringing her close. She tried to defend herself and Mila with a thick layer of ice, but she wasn’t quick enough.
An assailant with a long, thin dagger thrust forward, breaking the blue ice. Cerila twisted her body, and the dagger missed Mila and plunged straight into Cerila’s chest. It was a moment later that my Stone Bullet cracked the dagger-wielding man in the back of the head, dropping him to the ground. I turned to face two people rushing toward me.
Both of them looked like regular everyday citizens, but they had weapons out, and I quickly dispatched them with a torrent of flames. It was pandemonium, and I couldn’t immediately tell who was a regular civilian and who was part of the group of attackers.
Because it wasn’t just us being attacked.
I parried a sword thrust from behind and sent my spear through a man’s chest. I glanced around, and people were attacking others indiscriminately. A mage at a food stand obliterated a group of people with a Fireball.
Thankfully, without a word, my family and I had essentially made a circle around the three non-combatants. Sylvia was already treating Cerila’s wound while protecting us with orbs of blood, shooting out crimson spikes at incoming attackers.
I sliced the head off another attacker and immediately felt a sickening twist in my stomach. Out of instinct and on pure sense alone, I glared out into the panicking crowd and caught a glimpse of someone sprinting toward us. It was a woman, and even though she was covering herself in a cloak, I still managed to see her eyes, the bottom of them a bright red and the rest a dirty blood color. It was a pair of eyes I would never forget.
I moved to send a hellfire of Stone Bullets at her, but the ground began to shake violently. I lost my footing and crumbled down to one leg as the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I could feel the immense amount of mana now that was gathered below us into multiple spell cores. I encased myself in stone, knowing that I could trust my family to protect themselves and others. It was a good decision, as the world around us exploded.
Boom.
—
Sylvia Talgan’s POV.
I wasn’t able to feel anything before the ground grumbled with an unknown power. Even so, I saw everyone going on the defensive and instantly moved the blood under my control to protect Mila first. Whatever happened wouldn’t kill me, so her safety was paramount.
A crimson shield was wrapping around me when the explosion went off, followed by something barreling into me. The air got knocked out of my lungs, and my ribs cracked and broke in my chest. I thought a random piece of debris had crushed my chest, but I was wrong. I flipped around, my ears ringing and my body screaming at me in pain. I tumbled head over heels multiple times, impacting falling rocks and stones on my way until I crashed into the ground.
But the ground immediately gave away again, and I started to fall deeper. I was healing my body as fast as I could, fixing broken bones and giant gashes in my arms, chest, and legs. I even took a sizable rock to my head but resisted the urge to blackout and pushed through the pain with gritted teeth.
The stench of a vile sewer assaulted me as I impacted the ground, and just to piss me off, it was almost completely dark besides the light shining in through the hole I crashed in from. I felt my body break in multiple places again, but I instantly began to repair myself because, beyond the stench and the darkness, my senses were overwhelmed with the smell of blood.
It wasn’t my blood, but the blood of my loved ones at a distance, and right in front of me was the scent of someone I had been looking forward to killing for a very long time. I let burning blood course through me, and even though I wasn’t healed yet, I thrust my arm out and caught a sword with my bare hand.
It sliced into me and cut my flesh but stopped in my bone, just like I wanted. The pain was overwhelming; I wanted to cry out, but those feelings were washed away by the pure resentment and loathing I felt. A pair of crimson eyes looked down at me as a female Vampire I had never seen tried to push the sword further into me.
But it never budged. I wouldn’t let it. And even though I had never seen her, I knew exactly who she was.
She was the Vampire that crippled Kaladin and hurt Mila. And she had finally come to die.
With raw strength, I stood up and pushed back against the woman, and the sword embedded into my hand. Her eyes lit up with shock from underneath her hood as I forced her back and summoned my sword from my Spatial Ring and into my free hand.
I thrust forward, and she backed off, ripping the sword out of me with her own strength. She didn’t give me any time to gather myself and immediately launched into another straightforward attack. I knew what she was doing, and I decided to let her do it.
The sword pierced my shoulder, and she immediately opened her mouth wide to sink her fangs into me, but she abruptly stopped. The blood on the ground, by my will, had formed into a spike that impaled her through the leg.
I immediately took control of her body and backed away from her, letting my wounds heal completely. My hearing came back to me, and I could hear fierce fighting from above; spells and blades clashed over and over again, and I could smell the fresh blood being spilled.
“Wha—what did you do to me?” the Vampire said with a pained gasp.
She was trying to fight back and regain control of herself, but she was too weak and couldn’t stop me. I glared down at her, reached into her body, and controlled her. She reared up from her knees with her sword in hand, twisted it around, and sent her own blade through her stomach.
I went face to face with her as I gazed straight into her fearful eyes. “You are lucky I don’t have time to make you suffer the same way you made them. So kill yourself slowly and watch all the blood drain from your body, wench,” I spat.
“No! Wait—gah, I—!” she tried to resist, but she continued to take her sword out from herself and stab herself in the stomach again and again.
She would slowly drain herself of blood and die a pitiful and agonizing death as her body healed itself. It was the most fitting end I could give her.
I felt the muscles in my legs expand, and I kicked off the ground, jumping straight up and out of the hole I had come in from. I had a fight to join and a family to protect.
—
Kaladin Shadowheart’s POV.
I was fighting, completely deafened and battered. After the explosion, a giant sinkhole had formed, and we fell into the center of what looked to be the city’s sewer system. The people were pouring out of the tunnels and ruble like ants. The White-robed assailants were supported by groups of what looked to be Amon-Ra paladins and priests. The white-robed people weren’t an issue.
They just rushed to their deaths with a zealous fervor, and judging by their open mouths and reddened faces, they were coming at us on suicide missions. I had killed dozens at this point, probably at least fifty people with magic and my spear. The real problem was the paladins.
They were highly skilled and most, if not all of them, wielded some type of magic. All of them were also properly geared, wearing full armor and using high-quality Cobalt or Dwarven steel weapons. They came at us with calculated strikes and often in groups of two or three. So far, I had only managed to kill four of them entirely.
I forced many of them back, even impaling one through the chest with my spear, causing a grievous wound. But they would retreat to the support of a priest who healed them while a group of the white robes would swarm in to protect them, forcing me to fight them instead—the priests, when not healing, sent light magic spells at us.
I dodged or cut them down in the middle of the frenzy. My father and Cerila focused on protecting Mila, Dallin, and Padaric, while my mother and I went on the offensive. Sylvia was nowhere to be found at the moment, and I didn’t have the luxury of looking for her, lest I be overwhelmed by the tide of paladins and white-robed assailants.
Another two-man group of Paladins pushed me as I cut down a white robe with my spear. The first one swung his warhammer wide, and I dodged just out of its range. The second one, in coordination with the first, swung his great sword down at me, and I deflected it with my spear.
The bones in my arm vibrated painfully from the powerful strike, but I forced his sword up and thrust my spear into his knee so he couldn’t escape me. The first one stepped forward and blasted me with a gust of wind magic, but I countered it with a wall of earth magic.
I pushed through the earth wall, while the first one tried to drag the second one away, but we needed to start to kill the paladins if we were to have any chance of making it out of here alive. A hammer of light flew at me from across the hole, ripping the arm off of an unlucky white robe that was rushing me. I cut it at the spell core and followed through, hitting the surprised greatsword user in the chest. He let out a yelp of pain and, with a foot encased in stone, I crushed the warhammer user’s head. A Stone Bullet ended the other in a flash.
Why didn’t they just attack us in an orderly fashion? Why send randomly armed civilians at us?
I sensed someone running up behind me and was relieved to see a familiar face. Sylvia thrust her estoc into the back of a paladin which exploded into a ball of crimson. I cut down a few white robes that were between us, and without a word, she sank her fangs into my arm. I felt my broken ribs knit back together, along with all the smaller gashes and cuts on my body. My hearing returned shortly after.
I wanted to ask her what had happened and where she had been to have such a dark look in her eyes, but this wasn’t the time or place. We needed to make some headway.
“Take over defending the others so we can push the enemy back,” I requested.
Sylvia nodded, and both of us pushed back to the center where my father was. My mother, upon seeing us, decided to regroup as well, and we quickly and efficiently changed guards. I saw Mila and Dallin, both of them completely mortified, but that could be remedied later as well.
Before we launched our counter-attack, I summoned multiple orbs of white fire that sailed into the air. They broke off into thin streaks and crashed into the ground in fiery explosions. I aimed for the mages and priests in the back in hopes of knocking as many of them out as possible.
The four of us rushed into the dazed groups and began slaughtering everyone. Now that my mother and I were no longer alone and overwhelmed, we could efficiently kill even the paladins as they could no longer retreat to safety with ease. The white robbed assailants were no longer as zealous and eager to rush to their deaths. As my father, mother, and Cerila cut down people left and right with blades and magic, even the paladins began to hesitate.
As we pushed through, it seemed I had killed or displaced a large chunk of the mages and priests as the paladins, still putting up a fight, were collecting more wounds. With white fire wrapped around my spearhead, I sliced and thrusted my way forward. It felt as if we were finally making headway when a bolt of light whizzed past my head.
I used my Soulsight and saw two enormous blobs of light moving through the crowd at a rapid pace. Two large men in golden and Cobalt armor broke through the ranks, each wielding massive hammers. They were the pontifex’s personal guards.
They aren’t even pretending anymore. This is basically a declaration of war.
We launched spells at them, but they shrugged off the weaker of the spells, and my Stone Bullets had no effect on them. Cerila’s ice lance was crushed with their hammers, and despite being so big, they even dodged my follow-up Lightning Bolt.
The first of the two launched himself at Cerila, while the other came for my father. I was about to send a plasma-based spell at them, but I couldn’t risk hitting my family in the process, so instead, we split off; I went to help Cerila while my mother helped my father.
I formed a combination spell core and released it. The white flames on the tip of my spear condensed and warped into a blazing blue, only to be still like glass after a moment. I thrust at the paladin, and he deflected my strike with the shaft of his warhammer. He sent a golden spear of light magic at me, which I dodged, and Cerila followed up with a blast of ice magic directed straight at his head.
The paladin dodged her attack and swung his massive hammer at me. I decided to block it with my spear but instantly regretted it as my hands went numb momentarily from the concussive force that vibrated my bones. It felt as if I had hit a brick wall.
Cerila and I swung and thrust our weapons, each changing our tactics and trying to out-maneuver the paladin, but he was fighting against the both of us with ease. He was clearly a veteran, and his skills showed. He never let my plasma-clad spear get close to him, and he always opted to keep Cerila’s Hubris away from him with a swing.
The man was in full plate armor, but he moved with a deftness that was beyond that. He was at the level of a War God, maybe not as powerful or devastating as King Maxwell, but these two were a cut above the previous paladins. So, it was time to switch things up.
Cerila and I pushed him at the same time, and he blocked both of our strikes with his giant hammer and the gauntlet on his armor. Cerila’s sword dug into his armor, and he used the head of the hammer to knock her away. I destabilized the ground underneath him with earth magic, and Cerila tried to freeze one of his hands, but the paladin simply stomped through the ground, maintaining his posture, and broke free of the ice by crushing it.
Cerila and I both backed off and began launching spells directly at him, trying to overwhelm him with the magic. It was a howling storm of ice alongside the thunderous booms of yellow lightning. Our spells made craters in the ground and kicked up tons of debris. Stray shots that didn’t directly hit the paladin’s location flew off only to hit a random white robe or destroy the walls.
I didn’t need the dust to clear to see that the paladin was unharmed. With my Soul Sight, I could see that he had protected himself with a shield of mana, which must have been light magic, which left me with only one choice.
I wanted to hold onto this, but I can’t afford to ration my mana in this kind of situation. Even eliminating one of the pontifex’s guards would free us up.
I started forming the triple spell core with gravity, fire, and lightning for a railgun shot. I hadn’t used this spell since I killed the Chaos Dragon, as it consumed a large swath of my mana and did almost just as much damage to me. I was nearly finished when I had to abruptly stop and defend myself from a sword aimed at my chest.
I blocked the sword strike, and my eyes met the eyes of a young man I hadn’t seen in years. His brown hair fluttered, and he grinned at me as his second shortsword plunged itself into my side. But it was his first mistake, assuming I was defenseless in close range. I thrust my hip forward and yanked the arm on his first sword.
So I tossed Alnwar over my shoulder and onto the ground.
I thrust my spear down at him to end his life, but I was forced to block a hammer swing that sent me flying back. I used gravity magic to jerk myself to a halt in midair and land safely.
The paladin pushed Cerila back as Alnwar stood up and wiped the sweat from his brow. He threw his arms wide and chuckled.
“Wooow, I didn’t expect that move. Here I was, thinking I’d get a sneak attack in when you were your most vulnerable. But I suppose I shouldn’t expect anything less from my most prized possession.”

Next

34, 5'8" 190lbs caucasian male. I've been experiencing symptoms that are reIatively mild which made me brush them off until the past few days. Things definitely became unavoidable.
Let me summarize the symptoms:
-fingertip skin peeling, especially right at where the tip of the nail and skin meet;
-joint pain mainly in both of my hands;
-hand stiffness in the morning that improves with some time;
-random red cuts/tiny ulcers occasionally that would appear on my hands which felt like little paper cuts;
-mild to moderate itchiness but no visual rash on extremeties and torso;
-slightly dry skin but not visible to naked eye;
-eye irritation/dryness/scratchiness/redness;
-irritation/dryness in folds of skin on face (not visible);
-raised rash-like pimples that are filled with clear puss that seem to be right at the hair follicle in my facial hair (not painful or itchy and they feel like they're under the skin more than at the surface);
-forearm fatigue/achiness/burning after moderate use in both arms;
-dominant hand numbness/cold sensation occasionally
Now some of those have lingered for a while but the more noticeable ones are within this past week. Today I also have an EXTREMELY ITCHY NOSE right at the opening of each nostril and slightly inwards, it's infuriating! Nothing is visible on my nose but I can't stop wanting to itch it.
Now some symptoms that could be related that I'll mention are

• frequent urination;
• sometimes difficulty voiding (getting started and finishing);
• weak urination stream

I have tested for STD's and UTI and both were negative. I am also seeing a urologist in a couple of weeks. Another side note: a few months back I also had athlete's foot from the gym which I've been treating continuously even when symptoms subsided and hasn't bothered me much lately.
Is this allergic contact dermatitis? Or candida related? This is getting to be a lot whereas weeks ago it was manageable and didn't really think much of some of the symptoms...

34, 5'8" 190lbs caucasian male. I've been experiencing symptoms that are reIatively mild which made me brush them off until the past few days. Things definitely became unavoidable.
Let me summarize the symptoms:
-fingertip skin peeling, especially right at where the tip of the nail and skin meet;
-joint pain mainly in both of my hands;
-hand stiffness in the morning that improves with some time;
-random red cuts/tiny ulcers occasionally that would appear on my hands which felt like little paper cuts;
-mild to moderate itchiness but no visual rash on extremeties and torso;
-slightly dry skin but not visible to naked eye;
-eye irritation/dryness/scratchiness/redness;
-irritation/dryness in folds of skin on face (not visible);
-raised rash-like pimples that are filled with clear puss that seem to be right at the hair follicle in my facial hair (not painful or itchy and they feel like they're under the skin more than at the surface);
-forearm fatigue/achiness/burning after moderate use in both arms;
-dominant hand numbness/cold sensation occasionally
Now some of those have lingered for a while but the more noticeable ones are within this past week. Today I also have an EXTREMELY ITCHY NOSE right at the opening of each nostril and slightly inwards, it's infuriating! Nothing is visible on my nose but I can't stop wanting to itch it.
Now some symptoms that could be related that I'll mention are

• frequent urination;
• sometimes difficulty voiding (getting started and finishing);
• weak urination stream

I have tested for STD's and UTI and both were negative. I am also seeing a urologist in a couple of weeks. Another side note: a few months back I also had athlete's foot from the gym which I've been treating continuously even when symptoms subsided and hasn't bothered me much lately.
Is this allergic contact dermatitis? Or candida related? This is getting to be a lot whereas weeks ago it was manageable and didn't really think much of some of the symptoms...

34, 5'8" 190lbs caucasian male. I've been experiencing symptoms that are reIatively mild which made me brush them off until the past few days. Things definitely became unavoidable.
Let me summarize the symptoms:
-fingertip skin peeling, especially right at where the tip of the nail and skin meet;
-joint pain mainly in both of my hands;
-hand stiffness in the morning that improves with some time;
-random red cuts/tiny ulcers occasionally that would appear on my hands which felt like little paper cuts;
-mild to moderate itchiness but no visual rash on extremeties and torso;
-slightly dry skin but not visible to naked eye;
-eye irritation/dryness/scratchiness/redness;
-irritation/dryness in folds of skin on face (not visible);
-raised rash-like pimples that are filled with clear puss that seem to be right at the hair follicle in my facial hair (not painful or itchy and they feel like they're under the skin more than at the surface);
-forearm fatigue/achiness/burning after moderate use in both arms;
-dominant hand numbness/cold sensation occasionally
Now some of those have lingered for a while but the more noticeable ones are within this past week. Today I also have an EXTREMELY ITCHY NOSE right at the opening of each nostril and slightly inwards, it's infuriating! Nothing is visible on my nose but I can't stop wanting to itch it.
Now some symptoms that could be related that I'll mention are

• frequent urination;
• sometimes difficulty voiding (getting started and finishing);
• weak urination stream

I have tested for STD's and UTI and both were negative. I am also seeing a urologist in a couple of weeks. Another side note: a few months back I also had athlete's foot from the gym which I've been treating continuously even when symptoms subsided and hasn't bothered me much lately.
Is this allergic contact dermatitis? Or candida related? This is getting to be a lot whereas weeks ago it was manageable and didn't really think much of some of the symptoms...