dunno if this is allowed in here but ill just go for it, im graduating soon, and i still havent completed any application to any college. i feel like ive been dreading over which course and what school i should go to because, i never really expected i would make it this far, and now i have and its so scary. i cant and dont want to pursue my quote on quote passion (art) because i want to study something more academically inclined. my friend said its not my passion if i dont really want to pursue it, i agree. i could fight for art school, but im not, maybe because of the pressure (baka iniimagine ko lang) that since all my fam members are in law or med, i cant do art. my course choices rn are nursing, psych, mt, pt, etc etc stuff like that. really wouldve gone for speech pathology in UST, but like i said, i didnt think id make it this far so i didnt apply there, not to any of the big 4 schools. i find nursing to be fun, for now, of the little glimpses i see of it from my gr12 immersion at a hospice, our vital sign retdems, case studies, ganon, okay lang, its fun naman. i like learning about it and i even top the exams. but, its really scaring me. its really scaring me. i dont know if its for me. i really want to try and believe in myself that i can do it, but based on past experiences, pala-absent kasi ako.i dont think okay pa yun pag college na. especially nursing, with clinicals pa… id be good, i think, with more online settings. im such a home body. but at the same time i need to be outside to be okay.. its so hard for me. parang di ko alam ano gagawin ko. sorry huhu dito pa ako nag daldal. ang hirap walang nanay. ang hirap walang tatay. i feel so frozen in place. like i cant decide, i cant move on. every time i decide it just changes in a few days, gusto ko nalang mag enroll para wala na ako magagawa, or iroroleta ko nalang, but this is my future im talking about… paano kaya nadaanan toh ng mga nakakaranas tulad ng ganito dati? hindi naman ako sure if my dead beat dad na nurse sa US is makukuha talaga ako to work there, di pa nga na sstart petition ko. ewan. napaka ewan. the system is so horrible. how could they expect 17 to 18 year olds to decide what they want to study for the next 4 years? geez. i guess shifting is okay, but i really would rather not and i would rather not be an irreg either, my life is already so magulo i just want a smooth sailing 4 year course college. but how will i even begin if i have no idea what that is? please help me.

FTM 32 weeks pregnant AKA WE’VE NOT HAD THE BABY YET
Please tell me I’m not the only one whose family is acting like when you have a newborn your life won’t change and you can just visit whenever 😂
This is no hate to anyone I’m talking about it’s really sweet but it does make me laugh how different generations have different expectations of travelling with a newborn.
Example 1: at 16 weeks pregnant we went on holiday with my partner’s family - my s/o grandad’s sister (who we’ve stayed with a few times as she has a huge house) was talking about planning a whole birthday party at her house for grandad’s birthday (not a special birthday) and all of us staying for the weekend baring in mind this would be 12 days AFTER my due date I laughed and said no we won’t be able to go and she was like no no we’d all take it in turns to look after the baby! (What if I go over my due date & I don’t think I’d want anyone to look after baby so soon after she’s born apart from me and partner) also I should say that she lives an hour from us.
Example 2: My dad: uncle & aunt have said you can come up with the baby for a few weeks whilst they go to Italy and you can look after their house.
Issues: -My family live nearly 4 hours away -Baby would be around a month old if born on due date -My uncle and aunt have a 6 year old and an 8 year old so I have no clue how they’ve forgotten that you can’t travel that far with a newborn😂 -Everyone would want to come around and see baby every day (fair enough I would too!) -my family get on my nerves at the best of times so I just know I’d get unsolicited parenting advice & not only that but I don’t want to put babies immune system at risk. -I’m planning on a c-section so I won’t be able to drive and my partner doesn’t have a license so we’d have to get the train - expensive and stressful
I obviously politely declined and I’m sure some of you would travel to do this but as first time parents I can’t make promises without actually having baby here!

I try hard not to make blind buys. But samples of this are almost non-existent so I took a risk and bought a reasonably priced bottle on ebay.
First spray, i get a helium-like note. I think this is the "birthday party balloon" others refer to. Little milky, reminds me of parts of Feu d'Issey without the peppery notes. Slightly milky, vanilla-lite rubber. After about 20 minutes I'm getting more earthiness which might be a synthetic iris?. It has a warmth to it that i think will really shine in hot weather.
Hour later: rubbery iris is back!
Even later: Now it's settled down to a soft, ambery accord.
This scent unfolds gradually like a flower, petals opening one after another. This one is a true shapeshifter. I never expected a staid-sounding house like Cartier to produce something so delightfully weird.
This was very light in the beginning, almost undetectable. But nearly 8 hours in it has increased in projection, not super strong but ever present. This is one tenacious scent! I can still smell soft, rich amber on my shirt the next morning.
I didn't know what to expect but this scent really grew on me.

Dearest gentle reader, oh my GOODNESS. I’ve been cooped up in my room for the past week and got really bored so I decided to watch the show. I knew for a while it had existed because it’s quite hard to not notice Simone Ashley and Charithra Chandran being praised to high heavens as leading and positive South Asian representation on my Instagram feed, and rightly so. It’s not often you see darker skinned South Asian girls on mainstream telly so it means a lot to the wider community. I also am a big fan of Derry Girls so naturally I love Nicola Coughlan (who on earth doesn’t?) and wanted to see her strengths and acting prowess beyond the hilarious Claire Devlin.
It should be known too that I actually watched Queen Charlotte around the time it came out despite my severe lack of Bridgerton knowledge. Which obviously means QC is one of my top 5 favourite characters. The amount of love I have for that show… but that’s another post, another time.
Anyways! Sorry, I talk a lot. I started watching Bridgerton on Friday evening. The first episode was… admittedly hard to get through. But I have a thing where pilots are always hard for me to get through so it would’ve been a miracle if the ton was any different. Season 1 generally was… okay? There were certainly moments where I was wanting to scream at Daphne and Simon to just admit it all. I loved the character development not just of the leads but the families and individuals. Simon’s backstory had me gagged. Lady Danbury is bloody phenomenal. I was annoyed at Daphne from when THAT bedroom scene happened and viewed her as selfish - but then again that’s the thing, this series just goes to show how many layers there are to a person and to a relationship. Anthony pissed me off the entire time, what a dick. I’m in love with Benedict. The Featheringtons are hilarious. Unpopular opinion but I really quite like Portia, she’s fantastic. The Penelope twist had my jaw on the floor. And then it made SENSE!
And then! Season 2! Ohhhh I was so excited to watch this one. First episode didn’t disappoint at ALL, in fact I’d argue it was better than the entire first season. No I will not be elaborating! I think I could honestly talk about season 2 for so long, I just want to analyse it all. Everything. Every character we’ve seen, every scene, every plot line… the music was beautiful. The set design, the costumes, THE WIGS! Oh everything is perfect. The little nods to Indian culture throughout season 2 have made me emotional I think. Kate telling Lady Danbury she despises English tea (I get it, sister) and then making her own masala chai. The intimate haldi applications between the Sharma women, the significance it holds. What completely set me off crying was when Kris Bowers’ rendition of Kabhi Kushi Kabhie Gham started playing in the background. It’s a track from a movie with the same name which is a timeless classic in Bollywood. Ask literally any Indian family about K3G and they’ll smile and tell you about it or hum the choral tune of the song (it’s insanely catchy). Undoubtedly there will be many articles online that tell you why it is so important and emotion-inducing that that song was played in the background at that moment - definitely it’s clear in the comments section of the official YouTube audio.
Anyways AHHHHH SEASON 3!! I’m so so so excited. I love a slow burn friends to lovers trope. I’m so ready for this! The trailers and the teasers are PERFECT and I cannot wait for Penelope’s moment.

For some years now I've been receiving emails addressed to someone with a similar email to mine. In the first year, I panicked thinking it was identity fraud, so I tightened everything, checked all records, and I'm safe now. Something I monitor closely now. After that I tried getting in touch with them, without success. Now, I have their banking info, college application access, pickleball schedule, grocery orders, birthday invite list, Christmas wishlist, literally everything.
I have exhausted all my options and think now that if I can cause a minor inconvenience I'm their life, they might get the message and tighten up. Or at least stop entering the wrong email address for important information.
I'm a fairly creative guy and can think of too many things that I can do. I'm curious about what kind of harmless mischief y'all think I should do.
If you're thinking of giving me a moral high ground post. I'm already passed that point. Let's have a little fun.

Are you planning a dream trip but feeling a little anxious about what could go wrong? Potential risks involve lost luggage, medical emergencies, and trip cancellations. There's a lot that can throw a wrench in your trip plans. That's where multi risk travel insurance plays a vital role. But with so many options out there, how do you pick the right policy? Let’s explore how to do that below in this piece.

What Even Is Multi-Risk Coverage?

Think of it as an umbrella protecting you from a lot of potential travel mishaps. Multi-risk policies bundle together coverages like:

• Trip cancellation/interruption protection
• Emergency medical
• Baggage loss/delay
• Travel delay
• Rental car collision

Basically, it's a one-stop shop for shielding you from those "well, I wasn't expecting that" moments. No more juggling separate policies for every scenario.

Choosing Your Multi-Risk Travel Insurance Plan

So you know the tip - but how do you find the right plan that's just right for your trip? Well, start by evaluating a few key factors:
Travel Dates & Costs: Obviously, longer international trips with lots of pre-paid expenses require more comprehensive coverage compared to a cheap domestic weekend getaway.
Ages of Travelers: Let's be real, younger travelers may not need the same level of medical coverage as seniors exploring abroad. Know what makes sense for you.
Activities: Going scuba diving, rock climbing, or planning any other rad adventures? Double-check check they aren't excluded from coverage.
Compare, Compare, Compare: Don't just choose the first Multi Risk Travel Insurance plan you see. Insurance providers and coverage levels can vary drastically. Get quotes from a few different companies and read those policy docs thoroughly.

Check The Fine Print

Speaking of policy documents, don't just skip them! Travel insurance has tons of rules, exclusions and limits hiding in the fine print. A few things to look out for:

• Pre-existing condition coverage rules
• Deductible amounts for different coverages
• Exclusions for risky activities or destinations
• Reimbursement processes for claims

At the end of the day, a great multi risk travel insurance plan lets you kick back and enjoy your trip without stressing every "what if" scenario. Do your research to find a reputable multi-risk policy tailored to your needs. It will ensure peace of mind for you on a highly desired trip.
Website - https://multirisk.ca/

Disclaimer:
This post has heavy spoilers to the story of the version 2.2 and maybe to something else. Good luck to read all of this. I yap for Ena and maybe repeat myself little too much. Mentioned characters:
Sunday
Robin
Aventurine
Dreammaster
Bronya
Seele
Cocolia
Mentioned Aeons:
Ena
Xipe
Hooh
Long
Oroboros
Qlipoth
Mentioned organisations:
Beyond the Sky Choir
Astral Express
Family
In loving memory: Ena the Order “The one who transcends the many”
In loving memory of Tazzyrronth the Propagation “The Sand king”
In loving memory of the Great Tatalov “The Garbage King”
So, the original intent behind this post was to create a lot of puns about Order and Sunday (for example something like Golden Order Radagon Sunday, “I will have order” with Sunday and a falling train instead, Sunday working in a delivery and saying that someone’s order was cancelled).
But then I started remembering all parts of Penacony storyline that have fascinated me. And one particular part master stroked me. When Sunday used his “tell the truth or die in 24 hours voice magic” he used not the power of Order, but Harmony – the Path he supposedly deliberately left behind and betrayed.
How can I be so sure, that he didn’t use the power of Order, making it look like the power of Harmony? Well, nor Dr. Ratio, nor Aventurine, nor Welt, nor (most importantly) Robin didn’t notice any sign that the Order was used and that the power on display did in fact belong to Harmony. And mind you, all of them are quite clever, experienced and hard to deceive. And in Aventurine’s conversation with Acheron in the Horizon of existence, Acheron (who as Self-Annihilator isn’t affected by the illusions of Order and can see through them) referred to the brand, used on Aventurine as the “brand of Harmony”. And the last proof is that when Sunday uses this power, he makes a call (or if you are a pun enjoyer like me, “an order”) to Xipe, referring to THEM as “Triple-faced soul”.
So, this was a really long and a roundabout way to prove that even with his supposed devotion to Order, Sunday still remains the Pathstrider of Harmony (and the laws of the HSR universe dictate, that you become a Pathstrider by following a philosophy of a particular Path). While being a Pathstrider of two Paths is not called impossible in the game, and Harmony and Order mostly overlap, there are some key differences between them. It means, that Sunday to some extant still believes in a philosophy of Harmony and is not a complete devotee of Order, how some people could have believed.
So, the goal of this post is to delve on the philosophy of Ena and Harmony through Sunday’s story, words, thoughts and actions. And to make some obnoxious theories, but that’s later.
So, let’s begin!
Ⅰ
In his childhood, Sunday alongside Robin, was called by the Dreammaster “two best interpreters of the Great One”. That means, that as a child, Sunday was extremely close to the philosophy of Harmony.
Let’s remember what Harmony embodies as a philosophy:
“Then, they say, O you who have reached the end, enter into the paradise that envelops all! Join this great choir and feast, listen to the beating of billions upon billions of hearts, holding you in THEIR embrace...”
“To battle the brutality of the laws of the universe, intelligent lifeforms must discard their cowardly selfishness and the differences between individuals, fusing into one singular melody — to have the strong help the weak, and to protect life with death.”
That is what Harmony preaches and Sunday was a follower of this ideology. Harmony preaches selfless people not only helping and uplifting each other to build “the paradise” (a prominent theme in Sunday’s thoughts) bit also welcoming every other willing person. Harmony philosophy is about acceptance, forgiveness, cooperation, that no person is beyond redemption, that in every person has inside of them the force that genuinely cares for others and strives for good. Harmony preaches something like this: “Because if it is possible for every person to become a member of Family’s shared paradise, then we should at lest try to welcome them in it.” That’s why Harmonic Strings (Emanators of Xipe) are not people and are actually manifestations materialized as the responses to the Hive Mind’s demands. It is a seemingly naïve and romantic ideal for the sometimes and indifferent brutal universe of HSR that requires great kindness, compassion, understanding, belief in other people, ability to see the better in other people and uplift them. And Sunday-follower of Order reflects on that:
"When I appeared as a child, my speech, mindset, and soul reflected immaturity and innocence."
"As I grew into adulthood, I left behind my childlike side."
Sunday (as shown in the quest) was a person of great understanding, compassion, and love for other living beings, full of desire to protect them (bird, Robin, other people). He was able to embrace even the worst people if they would show even the slightest glimpse of desire to redeem themselves and change for the better, like people who allegedly sold their own children. It is notable that he both acts as a follower of Harmony and an enforcer of Order conspiracy because of these very character traits. The motivation is the same, just the choice how to act based on this motivation is different between him and Robin because of different experiences.
As the ardent believer of Harmony, the seed of doubt in his mind was planted ironically by the very followers of the Harmony -the Family. And the disillusionment about Harmony also began, when his belief in other people was tested. When asking Xipe to clear his doubts, Sunday asks three questions:
“Who can judge the strong when their power hides their crimes?”
“Who can vouch for the weak when they will pay any price to survive?”
“If "the strong defending the weak" is truly the foundation of paradise, then who is responsible for the suffering and anguish in this wretched world?”
The questions display that the preached Harmony doesn’t work as intended. The extremely hard ideal to follow was exactly too demanding for numerous people who couldn’t stand up to the responsibility that came with upholding it. Also, as displayed both in the main quest of Penacony and in numerous events and side quests, flaws and imperfections of Family(note: of the Family on Penacony) are numerous. We have an entire “Ode to Fool” in the Grand Theatre about internal bloodthirsty war between the Family, where two of the seven families of Penacony ceased to exist. When even Family: those who preach the Odes of Harmony don’t act as they preach, are not harmonious, don’t show compassion and forgiveness, it is extremely hard to still believe in its teachings. And from that, the belief in people starts to slowly crumble as the very belief in a possibility of a paradise preached by the Xipe, is tested.
That is what turns him to Order. The feeling that while the paradise of Harmony is theoretically possible, how much suffering must people experience before it actually arrives. And when will it arrive? And IF it will arrive? These doubts in human inherent desire to change for the better leads to the idea: “And what if they don’t change? Then why take the risks? Why not to create something that guarantees their safety, happiness and protection?” His desire for Order is still born from his love for humanity.
Ⅱ
And while the shift in beliefs did in fact happen, it wasn’t completed and some beliefs in Harmony remain, alongside doubts about the philosophy of Order.
To prove that, let’s remember the Grand Theatre part of the quest (“Everything that Rises Must Converge”).
Before that Dreammaster has a particularly interesting conversation with Sunday. Sunday not only changes their plan, taking Robin’s place in the plan and then he asks Dreammaster why Penacony was the chosen planet to bring “paradise” of the Order. If he was completely convinced, why would he pose these questions?
Sunday several times brings the part of 107,336 souls of the Oak Family in his monologues. Why? Because he uses them to give self-validation to his beliefs. It comes not only from his desire to grant “paradise” to everyone (and this guys as stated dreamed about the paradise of Order), but also from his self-perceived responsibility as the Head of the Oak Family to stand up to wishes and desires of his subordinates, to protect them, and as the man with greatest position among them, to fulfil the hardest task. Because if people he is in charge of follow and support his views, not only it gives him more belief in his set of beliefs(ha), but also gives him even greater responsibility to prove that their faith in him, in Order is not misplaced.
In first two acts he displays before us shortcomings of the Harmony, trying to display himself as the ardent believer of the Order:
In the first act “Ode to Prisoner” he says that the freedom was not really achieved in Penacony’s great Independence War, posing a doubt that the ideal of Harmony even existed in Penacony since the very beginning.
In the second act “Ode to Fool” the theme of not so harmonic Harmony remains. Sunday talks about internal civil war between the Family, that eradicated two of the seven families on Penacony. How “harmonic” it is!
But in the last and most important act “Ode to Order” has a surprisingly different theme, hidden in it.
It is supposedly talking about the future of Penacony, but there is something more if you listen to its content once again:
General: “Without a ruler who would protect the weak and fight back against the tyrants?”
Chansellor: “We must assist each other in protecting the weak, just as we must assist each other in opposing the tyrannical.”
This dialogue argues that the very measures Sunday preaches, are not required for the coexistence and unification are also an option. Case of how differently Order and Harmony solve one problem.
Jester: “Without a ruler, who will make the stars follow their paths, the tides rise and fall, and allow life to grow?”
C: “These things did as they will long before the ruler appeared, just as they will continue to do with rulers gone.”
Where the Order requires an all-mighty divine king, controlling the world (like God-Emperor of Mankind from Warhammer), Harmony simply says that actually such beings are not needed.
Minister: “However, now that we have bid farewell to our ruler. Who shall take their place?”
C: “We no longer require a ruler, for we were originally all rulers who stand above all things.”
Once again, order preaches about the ruler on the top of everything, the one who has all of the rights and makes all of decisions. But harmony doesn’t work that way. Harmony preaches that if every person has equal rights to enter its paradise, then they are essentially equal. Where Order differentiates people and treats them differently according to THEIR criteria, harmony does not as THEY are all-embracing.
The choice of the position of Chansellor as the one giving answers is deliberate. It is another innuendo on differences between Harmony and Order. In Order king takes the power and pushes everyone under his control. Chancellor, as the representation of Harmony in this argument, is a position not a person. He is subject to change, unlike king. Unlike king, Chancellor is chosen among the people, by the people. He serves as one man being the voice of many people, for they have chosen him as a Chancellor because their ideals are the same and thus, they have entrusted him to fulfil their ideals in reality in their stead.
Some people were not satisfied that the arguments were not posed against Sunday by the Astral Express. Well, this entire act serves as a counter to his arguments, showing the point of view of Harmony arguing against the necessity of ideals of Order. Most importantly, they don’t disprove hid arguments completely, but rather pose a possible alternative take on things.
The Clockwork doesn’t work on puppets because they are “satisfied”. But what gives satisfaction: Order or Harmony? In my opinion, Harmony. Remember: in THEIR paradise there is “peace bestowed, sorrows and strife released.”
The “king” in the text obviously refers to Ena the Order, and the last talk from the “Future” in the act is about “final rites” to the king, that there is no need to seek THEIR existence, nor remember THEM. It illustrates the final confusion of Sunday: if Ena didn’t fight back while being consumed, if the philosophy of Harmony prevailed in the confrontation among the Paths, why try to restore the Order?
And after that particular act he chose to reveal to us the finale of Ena’s story. That THEY were banished to oblivion by the united will of the people who defied Order. And THEIR death was praised alongside praises for the appearance of Harmony – the ideal that prevailed on Penacony in the end.
And that is what actually 3 is actually about. Puppets(Members of the Beyond the Sky Choir) ask what they and everyone else should do after the “king(Ena)” disappeared.
They feel no safety and out of their comfort zone when the one that controlled everything about their lives suddenly disappeared. And Chancellor’s answers are the representation of the ideology of Harmony, that you don’t need to be controlled to strive in life, for that there is more to universe and that the “king” is not actually required for betterment of society, that society can harmonize and evolve on their own, that the unity of people can replace the “king”. Ironically, “the Ode to Order” doesn’t glorify Order but rather disproves it from being the one and only universal truth.
In this act Sunday actually reveals, intended or not, that he doesn’t disprove Harmony’s ideal, that he subconsciously feels that it can stand on par with the ideal of Order.
Then, Sunday poses between us three questions, each one has different answers depending on your set of believes: order or Harmony. Notice, that Sunday doesn’t give his own answers to the questions.
“Is darkness equal to daylight?”
This question is very metaphorical. Radiance and light, eradicating darkness and giving protection to those under the light are a repeated theme in the ideology of the Order (“I shall ascend to the heavens, becoming the scorching sun. Bathed in my light, my people shall flourish, while all evil shall be eradicated” / “Those who live in the shadows do not bear the right to tread the illuminated stage.” / “I now permit you to gaze into the sun [hardest line in the game btw]”) But radiance is also a term sometimes used to describe Xipe. The greatest difference lies in the fact that what Order will not tolerate (“darkness”), harmony will be able to co-exist with and eventually embrace. So for Order they are different, but for Harmony not at all.
“Are sinners equal to the righteous?”
Order punishes the unjust and uplifts the righteous. For it, they are not equal. But for Harmony they are, mostly because before Xipe the very concept of sinners doesn’t exist. Harmony is all-embracing, for everyone can change for the better and be redeemed.
It is a discourse in philosophy: first question was about whether are you able to tolerate something that goes against you. While Harmony can, Order cannot (Sunday can as literally shown in the quest so he leans more to Harmony in that part). Second question was about whether people can change for the better and be redeemed. Order doesn’t believe in it, Harmony does.
“If you are born weak, which god should you turn for solace?”
It is another question to choose between philosophies because Sunday struggles to choose himself. If you are weak and you bow before someone(“king”) for the protection then this is a choice befitting Order, but if you choose to cooperate with others, uplift one another and “listen beating of billions of hearts holding you on their embrace” then this is the choice of Harmony.
Notice, that Sunday doesn’t consider us as enemies at all. As he says: “I genuinely wish to avoid a violent clash with my esteemed guests from afar.” When Astral Express team asks Sunday why did he invite us to the duel, he responds: “Because our shared goals give equal weight to the beliefs we strive for.” He regards everything happening more like a debate of two equally valid philosophies. Even in the fight with him (second one) he still invites us to join his chorus of Order. And he says “our final talk is concluded” only when he turns into his Embryo of Philosophy form, when literally everyone who could has risen against him. And then he reveals his true emotions:
“If your ‘paradise’ can save more people, sever my path with your hands”
He knows he is not infallible, that his plan can be wrong, that there is a possibility of making better choices, better decisions. And he asks us to prove, that Harmony after all is a stronger concept then that of Order. And his quote before that really makes everything extremely ironic:
“If we had never experienced solitude, how could we embark on different paths?”
Once again, this solitude refers to the times when he still completely followed Harmony. Yet he was the only person on the entire Penacony because of his great compassion, who actually followed what Xipe preached. Yet, in this he was alone. How can you be in Harmony with anyone, if you are alone. The irony is in the fact, that if Robin didn’t leave Penacony, of if he met another genuine believer, he wouldn’t have turn to Order and he would remain under Xipe. With many similarities of Order and Harmony: the epitome of Order is loneliness, being a sole ruler of everything, the epitome of Harmony is a unity of numerous people.
“And thus, my talk about Sunday has concluded. Next part is about Ena.”
Ⅲ
While his monologue about history of Ena can also be interpreted as parts above, it is much more interesting to discuss it when talking about Ena THEMSELVES.
“Let us commence with the dawning of the world… After the Dusk Wars, darkness veiled the sky, and chaos consumed the earth. Ena the Order emerged, destined to restore all existence. That marked the first day.”
The Dusk Wars are one of the most ancient (if not the most) periods of history we know about. Ena emerging at that time, makes THEM one of the oldest Aeons alongside Long, Hooh, Qlipoth and Oroboros.
” THEY gathered nebulae and forged them into picks, thus creating a grand lyre with black and white keys. Strike the white keys, and the sun rose. Strike the black keys moon and the rose. And so the cycle of day and night arose. That marked the second day. “
“THEY transmuted streams of stars into inked nibs, creating symbols to be pronounced and counted. THEY molded stardust into flowing rivers, assigning the righteous upstream and the unjust downstream. Thus, all things were marked and the world learned to discern between good and evil. That marked the third and fourth days. “
“THEY used the planetary rings to establish the law, forging a code of conduct among the masses. A grand lyre with black and white symbols of articulation and numerical notation took the form of musical notes. The downward-flowing river became a melody, and the cannon of law dictated the form. Thus, all mortals found their unique place within this symphony. That marked the fifth and sixth days. “
Ena, as we know was a control freak, at much bigger scale and extent, then Sunday could have ever hoped to become. We know that «Ena's harmonic songs seems to align within a three-dimensional framework, akin to an emperor maintaining hierarchical order among all creatures» Not only people, but the movement of celestial bodies were under THEIR control. THEY wanted to and almost controlled everything in the known cosmos. So, THEY were the only person responsible for everything. And when THEY were consumed, the manager of everything disappeared and the scales of order and discord lost their balance. That is why Hooh intervened and took THEIR responsibilities.
“THEY imbued world with meaning, perfecting all things in the heavens and earth. Then, THEY rested from the labors of creation. Yet, all beings cried to Ena – ‘Under the banner of the Order, you have defined all things in the Cosmos… but this made us realize that we are but puppets in your hands!’ – Thus, on that day, all beings united and cast the Aeon into the abyss of oblivion. That marked the seventh day. “
And this is the most interesting part. We know that Ena was consumed by Xipe, so why does Sunday refer to THEIR death as an action, made by humans?
As we know, Xipe “hails from multiple harmonious celestial words”, “a plural Aeon” and “THEY are the amalgamation of thousands of entities”. Thus, I pose that Xipe ascension was not a process of accension of a one person who somehow become an Aeon, but rather that several beings in a moment of unity (of “harmony”) were ascending as one. Next bit is purely theoretical:
But who could provide such unity before the existence of Harmony? Only the Beyond the Sky Choir – followers of Ena could understand the true extent of Ena’s control over everything and unify to create a change. Thus, mortals ascended into Aeon, befitting their shared beliefs, and from the Beyond the Sky Choir, Xipe arose with a new symphony of Harmony.
ⅠⅤ
Also, some other interesting bits from 2.2. storyline:
The most overlooked part of 2.2 quest for me is that part before boss battle when Sunday says that he doesn’t intend to either resurrect Ena or become a new Aeon of Order. While the actual possibility of such actions remains “enigmatic, we can now speculate that it could be possible to take control of a masterless Path or revive its master. I speculate that when we finally reach strongest Emanators level of poweallies/etc. the enemies we will be facing before actual Aeons will be unique beings like that: fallen Aeons in the process of resurrection or people in the process of becoming a new Aeon of a Path without one.
Another interesting bit of lore about Ena is that while she was “consumed” by Xipe, her Path still lingers in the cosmos masterless. While it was known about Paths of other fallen Aeons it is interesting that even assimilation by a broader concept Aeon isn’t enough to completely eradicate the Path from the face of the cosmos.
Some other connections that I noticed about Sunday while rewatching 2.2 quest were surprising even for me. Name a planet where the ruler intentionally left their subordinates in ignorance about the truth about the events for the sole reason of protecting them? It’s Belobog with Bronya and Seele (I could talk about similarities and differences of Bronya and Sunday but that would make already long post even longer). And this is why Ena was able to persuade Qlipoth. Because Qlipoth shares with THEM that general theme of protection. Because their Paths partly overlap. Because Preservation is about keeping everything dangerous behind the walls (in this case dangerous information about Cocolia), and everything inside the walls is safe, protected, or you could say “in Order”.
Ⅴ
P.S. I feel like in this quest there is still so much more to discuss(and I could write EVEN MORE), but this long wall of text is already too out of character from me as a humble follower of Enigmata.

“Love, duty,… The machines had been built by men who had little use for such things, being like machines themselves. So they built new men, men without chests, father says. Men made stupid by the machines to serve their designs.” -Howling Dark, Chapter 65

Here Suzuha is telling Hadrian the history of the Mericanii. What’s interesting is that “men without chests” is a phrase and chapter title used by CS Lewis in The Abolition of Man. This book is Lewis’ critique of subjective/scientific morality, and a defence of traditional morality, which Lewis calls ‘the Tao’.

“We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.” -The Abolition of Man

I think these next two quotes illustrate that Hadrian and the Sollan Empire—even with all their flaws—try to conform to traditional morality or ‘the Tao’.

“Tao. It is the reality beyond all predicates, the abyss that was before the Creator Himself. It is Nature, it is the Way, the Road. It is the Way in which the universe goes on, the Way in which things everlastingly emerge, stilly and tranquilly, into space and time. It is also the Way which every man should tread in imitation of that cosmic and supercosmic progression, conforming all activities to that great exemplar.” -The Abolition of Man
“The Empire is a river, it has currents and a course. And while our movement may be limited—we are always limited. By our bodies, as you correctly noted. By our minds, by nature itself. Freedom is accepting those limitations and responding to them with humility. We cannot change nature.” -Kingdoms of Death, Chapter 14

This contrasts with other societies like the Lothrians, Extras, Demarchists, and the Mericanii, who embrace a scientific morality or try to transcend morality. But even when rejecting traditional morality they cannot escape the Tao.

“What purport to be new systems or (as they now call them) ‘ideologies’, all consist of fragments from the Tao itself, arbitrarily wrenched from their context in the whole and then swollen to madness in their isolation, yet still owing to the Tao and to it alone such validity as they possess.” -The Abolition of Man
“sweeping away the old is like knocking the foundations of a tower out from under your feet. Tradition grounds a man. Even for you Lothrians it is so.” -Kingdoms of Death, Chapter 14

Even if the Lothrians pride themselves for sweeping away traditional morality, their Lothriad still carry’s echos of the Tao:

“Let each toil for the good of all. Let there be bread, and board, and good order for all who toil.” -Kingdoms of Death, Chapter 10

The Lothrians and ancient Mericanii were also ruled by a class of people CS Lewis would call “conditioners”. We see humans being treated like livestock. The Chairs of the Lothrian Commonwealth need not adhere to the strict linguistic rules which they enforce. Similarly, we learn in Disquiet Gods that “American Princes” still managed the Mericanii machines without subjecting themselves to a cancerous fate. Lewis’ worst case scenario—the abolition of man—is realized in the Sun Eater universe.

“the man-moulders of the new age will be armed with the powers of an omnicompetent state and an irresistible scientific technique: we shall get at last a race of conditioners who really can cut out all posterity in what shape they please.” -The Abolition of Man
“critics may ask ‘Why should you suppose they [conditioners] will be such bad men?’ But I am not supposing them to be bad men. They are, rather, not men (in the old sense) at all. They are, if you like, men who have sacrificed their own share in traditional humanity in order to devote themselves to the task of deciding what ‘Humanity’ shall henceforth mean. ‘Good’ and ‘bad’, applied to them, are words without content: for it is from them that the content of these words is henceforward to be derived.” -The Abolition of Man

Hadrian does not believe that humans need to be conditioned. He sees that while the Sollan Empire has flaws (like slavery and their Palatine eugenics system), the empire is not trying to change what humanity is.

“At least the Empire protects humanity… Humanity. And mankind. The Commonwealth’s ideals were as toxic to the human animal as the surgeries and augmentations the Extrasollarians enjoyed. Each saw humanity as a problem to solve.” -Kingdoms of Death, Chapter 14

P.S. I think Sun Eater is so great on rereads for reasons like this. I made so many more connections like this on my reread. On a surface level it’s a fun story, but there are also profound themes. Btw thanks for reading if you made it this far, I know this is a bit long.

So I (20F) have an older sister (23F) and yesterday she had her first anxiety attack. So yesterday we were helping my mom out at work and my sister came back after bring some food at like 5pm. We didn’t get to go home till 8pm. 2 hours later my sister comes into my room and tells me that she is experiencing shortness of breath, dizziness, and wobbly legs. Diabetes runs in my family so I thought she might be experiencing something related to that (she is prediabetic), but she didn’t have any other symptoms that would match that. I then asked how long it had been going on and she said since 5pm. So immediately I told her we need to go to the hospital. She also told me that her throat felt like it was closing so I thought it was a bad allergic reaction but she told me it didn’t feel that way. At this point I was just in pure go mood and started to drive her to the nearest ER. I called my mom and she suggested that it might be an anxiety attack since she had an interview in the morning. That was when I started to realize that it might be an anxiety attack because that how I usually start mine. Just a little bit of backstory, I have VERY bad anxiety attacks/spells. Some of my friends that have seen the really bad ones have told me that it reminds them of people that go into manic episodes. Anyways, I have had an anxiety attack in front of my family before and still get teased and mocked for it. So my sister goes to the ER with me and my grandparents (my mom was on the way) and the people at the hospital almost immediately give her an anxiety reduction pill. We got there at 11 and didn’t leave till 1am just for them to tell us it was an anxiety attack. My family has been babying my sister since the incident. Here are some examples: We are helping my mom with work (we are getting paid) and because she had an anxiety attack I have to complete all her work and finish the things SHE didn’t complete yesterday. They are checking up on her and making it seem like it’s oh so hard for her. They are being nice to her instead of what they did to me. I don’t want them to be mean to her like they did me but I feel like they are treating her like she is some fragile human being. I never wish ill on my sister as we are extremely close but like they are just pretending like this is going to kill her. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Over a year ago, my ex had me thrown out of the house on claims that I had been abusing her. In the last 6 months of our relationship, she had become increasingly unstable, accusing me of things that never happened, accusing me of being a narcissist and manipulating and abusing her.
After she had a public breakdown, I called 911 for a mental health check. And she never forgave me. She came home from the hospital to gather her possessions and take one of our children, and then returned weeks later with a restraining order.
It took money and time, but I eventually got visitation with my children. But not before her behavior ended up with my oldest hospitalized for his mental health and the complete breakdown of his relationship with his mother.
She blames me for this and says I am manipulating both children to hate her.
I eventually found out that my ex was dating my sister's abusive drug addict ex-boyfriend. And that they had probably been communicating since before we had broken up.
This ex boyfriend and helped my sister create evidence that her husband had abused her to get him thrown out of the house and arrested. He was later cleared.
Last fall, my ex began to experience "hacking" incidents on her devices and accounts and blamed me, even filing police reports for cyber stalking. I know little about computers and had nothing to do with it.
She has used this to block communication with my youngest son (my older son now lives with me).
Recently, I spoke with my ex brother in law, and he asked if I had been accused of hacking yet. When he saw my shock, he explained that my sisters ex-boyfriend had done the same thing to my BiL, hacking my sisters accounts to further distance her from her husband.
So, the bad news- I believe my ex is having a mental health crisis and has fallen in with an abusive man who is hacking her account and isolating her. And I can't help because he has convinced her I am evil.
The good news- The judge ordered a brief focused assessment, and the results were just released. The report clears me of her accusations and establishes the kids' behavior as her own doing.
I'm thrilled, as this allows me finally to get both kids into a calm, stable environment.
But I still mourn my wife. And I keep wishing I could help her escape the situation she's found herself in. But I can't. Because of her mental health (something the BFA also listed as a serious concern), I don't believe she has the ability to understand or get herself to safety.
I still care about her, and I feel so helpless. And it sucks that in order to do what's best for the kids, I have to leave her behind and in danger.

Let’s do it again, friends: get stoned and listen to my thoughts on season 2, episode 2!

• Anthony and benedict are getting shaved and all i hear is the sweeney todd pipes
• kate in this beautiful jewel-toned bridgerton blue 💙
• Anthony obviously in love with kate while actively trying to court edwina. His cocky little smile kills me
• Lmfao “i cannot think of any cleverer way to say this, but noooo”
• Pen: goddamn it eloise i did exactly what you wanted and you still criticize LW
• The look colin gives pen 💗 theyve done a great job building up the polin romance
• I also hate guns and hunting and would be pissed as fuck if some dude comes in my home and starts hanging that ugly shit
• I’m honestly really happy phili gets a love match with finch
• Lord lumley seems sweet honestly. And he’s right, poetry is better read aloud. Its a type of song really. I hate that poetry is usually taught to kids by reading it silently or reading it aloud in class for the first time without any idea how to intonate or understand what theyre expressing. I had the opportunity to see a shakespeare play performed before i had read or even heard of the story and i was shocked that i was able to understand it and enjoy it. I was like why isnt this how we do it always??
• sorry i have half an english degree and i’m a real pain in the ass about it
• Also btw has anyone read the book much ado about mean girls? Its mean girls but written in shakespearean style. Its a hoot if you’re also a nerd like me
• Ok sorry back to bridgerton. I paused it for so long to type all that my tv went to screensaver mode
• Was mr dorset earnest in trying to meet with kate or was it actually orchestrated by anthony?
• I also prefer a warm spicy chai to a milky black tea
• Benedict to mondrich: sorry anthony’s an ass, I am not tho, please tell me more
• Eloise has another ribbon hat contraption. This one is like a straw beret
• I think its a bit of a weird styling choice for eloise to wear these ribbon head things. They dont offer any practicality: they dont keep her hair up or out of her face, they dont keep her head warm or shield her from the sun. they seem to be purely decorative and i feel like eloise would just rather nothing than something simply pretty
• I liked the look she had in colins return scene when it was just pinned to the side. I feel like that would be her go to
• Edwina trying so hard to hook kate up and get her off her back
• Pen is so clever. Eloise literally tells her, look i figured out where you print your LWs and pen just smirks and el goes oh your right im acting silly
• A & K arguing about the horses and once again the chemistry is so damn oobvious i’m surprised the whole of the stands isnt shouting get a room
• Lol i just noticed lumley brings back 2 cups (presumably for edwina and kate) and anthony takes kates
• The look he gives her when she whistles…boy is S M I T T E N
• Stop hollerin like a newsboy - i say this to my dog when hes outside barking at the neighbor
• Eloise finding a locked door in a place she’s not supposed to be, knocking on the door, and then immediately bothering the first person she sees is just a perfect example of her character lol
• The new lord featherington is like fuuuuck i thought this was m lucky break but i’m screwed
• Love QCs colorful wigs. Were the ornate wigs back then different colors? I can only picture them in white
• This is the first time kate’s not in blue. We’re coming out of our bridgerton blue and into our purples era. Purple represents royalty, opulence, ambition, and power. Edwina is in pink almost exclusively. Pink represents young love, girlhood, innocence
• “You are the one who is always right” benedict is good with the quick comebacks
• “Why should i be the one to admit defeat??” aka her sister hates me but i love her so im not giving in
• Zeh-bruhs
• anthony showing up with that horse is like mentioning you liked curious george and him showing up with a chimpanzee. Never gift a pet/live animal
• I like that mondrich is like fuck that snobby other club, i’m opening my own place with blackjack and hookers
• Anthony doesnt get invited to one party and he’s like WOW rude
• Time for the loser suitor show
• Surprised none of these losers did a stand up act
• Poor pen so sick of yellow. We’re gonna add that bridgerrton blue soon and see you in beautiful greens 💚
• Colin being the corniest: I really got to know someone i didn’t know at all: me
• colin to pen: you’re not a woman, youre my friend. I dont find you worth loving or fucking
• Lady F would have been happy to scheme with jack and get the cowpers money. Shed probaby end up killing cressi somehow
• Lol i love what a critic of the arts benedict is. a true artist
• i read somewhere once that its a staple of the regency romance to diss byron because he was a very popular poet at the time, so its kind of like yeah i'm a corny romantic type but i'm a cool corny romantic type. i dont like whats on the radio, i have good taste
• Anthony to benedict. Write that shit down write that shit down
• Anthony was definitely the “can i copy your homework” kid
• Anthony: you forgot to invite me. That was your mistake right? Im obviously supposed to be here??
• Literally speechless when he sees kate
• Anthony: I might not be able to give you romance, but i can take care of you and give you a happy life. Kate: you hear that shit? He’ll never love her what a pig
• Kate is treating the ton the way i treated my last job. I dont care if they like me, i’m here for the money
• Penelope once again being a shrewd business woman. Give me the discount to keep me away lol
• QC literally has no idea who pen is lol

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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My birthday’s coming up in a couple weeks so I got the last minute idea to go see the Tetons (I live a bit north of Denver so a good little weekend road trip). I haven’t done much research about it or any thing. I’m probably looking to do one full day hike while I’m in the area. Does anybody have any advice of where to see some good views or car camp? Bonus if anybody has their favorite spot to grab a beer too.

I want somewhere unique and pretty and where they can do some surprise arrangement for her birthday too. Budget can be increased a little for that.

(I’m writing this about 10 minutes after waking up)
In the dream, i was living in my neighbours and bestfriends house, with my family and a older woman that wasnt my grandma but in the dream she was my grandma.
First part of the dream: I only remember that my mother was working in a haunted Normal shop. The co workers told me that it was haunted and they need to keep eye on breaking ins and other suspicious happening. And it was like a night shift so there wasnt any customers. Well there wasnt any ghosts but little snakes crawling everywhere including my legs. Suddenly there is this on big anaconda that is complitely black, head was as big as pitbulls. It seemed to be everywhere like i was and liked me because it softly scratched my hand like a dog when they take care of you.
Second part: Suddenly the whole scene ended, like a movie scene was set to different place. I was now in my own house and this time there was my sisters, ”grandma” and father. My grandma has just snapped and locked herself in my room, and switched every furnitures like bed and table and closet. Then i suddenly am in a different scene with only my grandma, in our road at night. See sits on the side of the road and throws my computer screen to the ground, and puts gasoline on it. I try to move the computer away from her so she doesnt catch on fire but she was faster and a little part of my hair catches on fire, she then screams ”if i cant get to Eurovision, you cant either!” (In our language she meant as performing). Then grandma dissapeared and i’m back in the house and there is my whole family, i went to my room and it had changed so much i dont feel safe there so i cry my parents to help me move things back but they only said ”now its not a good time” clearly pissed, so i beg my sister to help me ”i do anything” included in my begging. As we clean things up there is random bags and luggages in the room and some creepy things like hand with eye pops out from under the bed.
The final part: I was also again moved to different scene and now its my neighbours house. The big snake was there again, there was also other animals like dogs and ducks and pinguins. I went to my friends sisters room and there was a machine, like a robot. Straight out of circus, it was one of these fabric pieces that when you go behind it to other side, you switched outfits. At this point i knew The One was going to pop out. The bot moved in a slow pace other side to other changing clothes, and at some point to the left side, there was a black dressed skeleton with long thin horns. Its skull wasnt attached to the body, and it had ancient loose clothes. It looked like black ashed had covered them. But i wasnt scared, and i just close the door as it standed up. We continued to chill in the living room when suddenly the black snake came out of the room and i just pet it. Then i think i woke up
Between all of these parts i was in other city, and with me there was a guy that i talked but he had a girlfriend so i cut contact
As i started to talk about snakes, my texting lags so that it comes delayed

Morrigan went to join her lily in her room, joining her apothecary in the making of their garden. She hoped it would calm her down, she hoped that she could smell that sweet smell again, she hoped that she could show her traitor son that he was wrong. She would show him that he was wrong, even if she had no idea how to garden.
Morrigan spent a lot of time working on the garden with her lily and apothecary, often without her armor. She wasn't sure how she would feel outside of her armor in the presence of another, but she grew to appreciate the opportunity. She noticed that the apothecary wore their mask less often around her, and even offered to help her with gardening. Morrigan refused, stubbornly insisting that she could do it herself, even though she was having no success whatsoever. However, even though she found the experience of gardening to be incredibly frustrating, it was also calming in a sense. The apothecary found this stubborn determination adorable in a sense. They had figured out what kind of flowers their lady liked and grew the ones that they liked best. It helped with their lady's unique smell, even though they had gotten somewhat used to it by now. They even started making perfumes, leaving them in their lady’s room without her knowledge. Morrigan loved the perfumes she knew her lily had made, but didnt say anything in case her apothecary would find out she actually liked them.
After much time and hard work, Morrigan finally got her first flower to bloom. It was a white lily, which she placed gently in the apothecary room, as a token. The apothecary found it rather touching, pinning their lady’s flower to their breast pocket, so they could carry it wherever they go.
The Primarch’s room would soon become a beautiful green space, so much so that Morrigan would often take off her mask when she was alone to smell the flowers and experience the work she and her lily had done. One day, while her lily was gardening, she handed them a new set of orders stating they would be moving into the room to better take care of the garden. The apothecary nodded, and moved their stuff into the garden, before returning to their work. They noticed that Morrigan didn't wear her mask anymore, and she never wore her armor in the garden. They didn’t ask their lady about it; they simply appreciated the trust.
Morrigan started bringing her Lily out of the garden more often, taking them on campaigns, to meetings and the like. Her sons questioned her intentions of bringing an apothecary during discussions of military matters.
“Mother, is it strictly necessary for the apothecary to be here? They have no training in the art of war, and they are not participating in the combat on the surface. I think it would be bes….”
Morrigan stared daggers at her son, her mask hiding the anger in her face. “The apothecary will stay. This way they can best prepare for the incoming casualties. That is final. Now let us continue planning the assault.” The apothecary smiled beneath their mask but made sure that this would be evident to their lady’s sons. They judged it would be best to not antagonize them.
After several successful campaigns, the Endurance once again returned to Barbaros, though as they arrived, they were greeted by another ship orbiting the planet. That ship was the Photep, flagship of Morrigan’s sister Magnolia. Morrigan had her vox master send a vox to her sister’s ship.
“Sister, what brings you here?” Morrigan said, questioning the intentions of her sister. She knew that Magnolia would not be here for a simple social call. She was here for something, probably knowledge.
“Sister! I am simply here to pay you a visit. I’ll arrive shortly.” Then the vox cut.
Morrigan gripped her scythe angrily. ‘That bitch’ she thought, ‘inviting herself, ignoring my questions. I’ll show her arrogant ass what for.’ She turned to her lily, her anger fading somewhat at the sight of her flower still pinned to her lily’s chest. “Apothecary, come with me. My sister may need some ‘assistance’ after I’m done with her.” Lily nodded, following quickly at the side of their lady as they made their way to the hangar.
Magnolia’s Stormhawk landed shortly after Morrigan and her Lily arrived in the hangar. Magnolia stepped out alone, a group of her sons waiting behind on the Stormhawk. Magnolia’s eyes were immediately drawn to the powerful psychic energy coming from the apothecary next to her sister. Lily could feel a strong probing psychic force in their mind, searching for information. Lily could also feel their lady’s anger and burning hatred. They gently placed their hand on Morrigan’s, before returning their hand to their side. Morrigan was shaken by this simple act, but she decided she would deal with it later. First, she needed to handle her sister.
Magnolia greeted her sister with a smile and gestured to the apothecary to Morrigan’s side. “Sister, what a lovely little psyker you have there. Have you finally changed your mind?” Magnolia said smugly.
Morrigan advanced upon Magnolia, ready to behead her sister for her insolence and arrogance. But once again, her Lily placed their hand upon hers. She knew it would be best to ensure they did not get hurt. “My Lily…!” Morrigan's voice, once angry, was now caught in her throat. Had she said it out loud. “Ahem, my apothecary is not a psyker. They are simply a talented apothecary, not a sorcerer like you. Perhaps your sorcery is failing you sister? Perhaps you could still see properly if you had both of your eyes.” She spat, her mask expelling gas in powerful blasts of anger. “If you have a purpose for your visit, state it. Otherwise get off my ship and return to your librarium sister.”
Magnolia, now frustrated, turned and left. “Your ignorance will bite you one day sister, that I assure you.” She said before her Stormhawk returned to her ship. She would find the knowledge she was looking for another way. Barbarus surely had knowledge that she could make great use of. She would just have to try and get it some other way.
Morrigan looked down at their Lily. They had held their hand the whole time, and it almost brought a smile to Morrigan’s face. “Let us return to our duties.” She said, letting go of her lily’s hand, and walked with them back to the garden. Morrigan couldn’t quite understand what emotions were going through her mind, so she focused on cultivating her plants, keeping her mind away from what she went through.
Nurgle was watching the two, smiling uglily. His plan would be put into place soon. Soon he would have the Primarch in his grips. He just needed to give her a little bit of a push. Targeting her apothecary would be of great benefit…

Ok (20f), so this is new for me because dreams like this usually don’t go well for me, but it started with me in my living room. I was sitting on the couch. It was August, a little after my birthday, and my mom was like, Come on, we have to go to the hospital. We left the hospital, which was like down the street from my house, and we walked in and checked me in because I was 9 months pregnant (not pregnant in real life). So I’m a bit nervous with this information because my mom is strict, but she was really supportive along with the rest of my family, so it was a plus. I was in a hospital room with my family, just waiting for the baby to come, and a few hours later, the doctor came and said that I could go home because the baby wasn't yet due. So we leave to go back home, and my family decided to have a family dinner. I was washing dishes when I felt a small stomach cramp. I started to panic a bit because I saw blood, and I was like, Oh no, so I’m rushed back to the hospital, and I give birth to a healthy baby girl. After this, it’s like a time skip to a week or two later, and I’m texting my boyfriend about how the baby is his and stuff. He just shows up, saying he got an apartment. Let’s live together. He was acting very fatherly to the baby. She was giggling a lot, I remember, so then I tell my mom, and she’s silently upset. I just shrugged and left. The apartment was fancier than I thought it would be, but then I'm woken up by my mom to drink the new water she had. I just want an interpretation.

Hi,
I'm (31M) preparing to see my partner (P, 34NB) for the first time in a year. I'm pretty excited as I have missed them.
Currently they are on a vacation in the capital city of my country (which is considerable distance away) with Meta (M) and some friends, and will be meeting me and staying with me later on. We have had a bit of an argument over P boundary setting with me regarding meeting arrangements and this has made me felt less confident about our date week as a whole.
The situation feels a bit personal for myself because I have GAD, a disability and am neurodivergent with comorbid executive dysfunction issues. I personally think that the ED is a significant stressor for Partner, maybe even more than my mental health! Although I am not sure why this is.
I can somewhat understand why executive functioning is a sore spot and important. In general booking flights, trains, hotels etc. can be really stressful and overwhelming for me, and while a general problem, this is obviously a problem in an LDR especially. There is also P's work schedule to consider. I wish we had more autonomy but I can't and in fact right now I'm not even *allowed* to drive.
So what happened: my polycule suggested this UK meet months ago, and I was keen, but this was at the time just an idea. The plan was always to meet P, M et. al. after their break in capital city A in city B and then for the group to split so that P and I could do our own thing separately.
For various unfortunate reasons though (including awaiting an appointment for surgery and my social security review) I was first unable to commit until 2 weeks ago, when I had a hospital appointment (which was almost a 5 minute waste of time but that's another story) and then procrastinated on reserving hotels. (I was especially scared of being discharged if I rescheduled, and as a disabled person I am just scared of my government who frankly dislike and scapegoat disabled people.) I was also insecure about meeting meta and especially the friends. Finally money was both an issue and something I was pretending was not for reasons I'll explain below.
P tried to help me with hotel reservation but we were unable to complete it before they left their country last weekend. I can't remember why; I'm ashamed to say I might have just got distracted and panicked...
I have since had a busy/exhausting week engaged with advocacy service, family birthdays, therapy and a planned outing with friends--and so has P, with work before leaving and with the trip after. P suggested meeting me halfway at city C, and we could have a day trip there.
I had felt overwhelmed by the decision, so asked for help from my friends. Both my friends and partner kept emphasising that reservations as well as the kinds of long-haul trains I wanted would be 'expensive' and basically talking out of our plan B and plan C. It seems as if my not spending was the major consideration. At risk of sounding both privileged and irresponsible, which maybe I am; from a self-confidence standpoint I care less about spending a lot of money as a) proving to myself I can do these things and b) treating my partner to a nice experience after so long away from each other.
However I am also quite a people pleaser, especially towards P. Additionally deadlines absolutely cause me to panic and any form of timekeeping pressure. So if somebody shares an opinion strongly then I tend to just mirror them. This can often be a problem with Partner who has quite a lot of strong opinions and values, and also can be easily frustrated. They can also be impatient although I want to caveat that in many ways they have been *very* patient with me. It's hard to process. I keep wanting to blame myself or them. The point is that I don't like arguing with people and will let them talk me out of a situation if it means avoiding a fight. (I know this is a trauma response from my abandonment issues and seeing my parents fight while divorcing as a kid)
Partner initially said that since they were now spending time with meta they were unavailable and it was up to me to decide and plan my own arrangements. However they more or less suddenly changed their mind *the next day*, and said that they had to consider their own needs, had ditched any plans with me beyond meeting me at my home (plan D) and will meet me at my home this weekend.
I absolutely understand why P was stressed about pinning down a meet up date, place and time. Despite being completely fluent, they would be travelling in a foreign country after all. Perhaps I had been stubborn about 'wanting to see Meta and friends' while not considering or committing to the logistics of that, which I knew would exhaust me.
The problem was this flip in...willingness to grant me autonomy happened so suddenly I had no time to process it. I was on a bus home at the time. The period between "I think we should drop the holiday" and "I've bought a train directly to yours, meet me" was about 5-10 minutes of streaming IMs where I was in freeze response and unable to really engage.
Although they didn't see it (instead my friend did) I had a complete meltdown and panic attack as in my mind this was failure. I was already doing toxic comparison to Meta (who is wealthier, more relationally experienced, and has greater connections in the poly scene). My hometown is...it's a dump. I mean my local area is nice enough but...it's not a capital city or city break. I sense this is toxic but . Again it feels like personal failure, especially as I had told my family and *even my therapist and social worker* about the plans. So there is embarrassment on top of it, like disappointing P is disappointing *them* by proxy. Further I'm worrying that the fact I think P might even 'need' the entertainment of a big city is being sexist (and so misgendering). Finally I'm struggling to think of alternatives since I doubt they will want to spend the whole time in my apartment.
Nor is this the first time I have had a meltdown due to P being frustrated with how slow, tardy, indecisive I can get. In fact one happened when we went on vacation last year...because I took too long in the toilet before we left for the train. So...yeah, I know how important punctuality and efficiency is to P but I...still got caught off guard this time.
I spoke to my therapist today I'm thinking about whether it'd be good for us to have a one-off 'couples therapy' with my therapist (with P attending) and what I need to ask from my therapist. Fortunately my therapist is poly informed and practises it, which I think will help. However I don't think this is about 'poly' exactly, it seems to be about my own difficulties.
Beyond this I'm not sure what to do. Honestly I don't want to disturb P but also? This incident has caused me to check out of interest in their time with M and friends beforehand, (which I was previously following with interest) and lose some compersion. I have the distressed part of my brain telling me that I can avoid disappointing people if I just let them take control of everything and never say No or speak up. Especially with P it has seemed for a while that the best way to avoid annoying them is to just let them take the lead, because me trying to exercise my own autonomy just causes analysis paralysis and arguments leading to panic attacks/meltdowns/shame spirals...and tbqh that happens with everyone in my life which suggests it's a me problem. Generally I'm just low energy now, I'm tired and didn't sleep well or much.
I am worried I'm going to get dumped, and I am worried that this would be proof that I am not fit for at least poly dating if not dating in general. My mind takes P and M as representative of 'the ideal ENM individual' (read: high agency, extremely independent, values autonomy, effortless boundaries/assertiveness, highly efficient/no EF issues etc.) and I am projecting all of my insecurities and deficit in these faculties onto the whole damn scene.
How much of this boils down to bad communication, RSD and internalised ableism? Idk. I can tell that my mind is on a worry train now, and this whole thing is yet again as much about proving myself as capable to people as being in the moment. I worry that I won't be able to mentally solve this issue and I *have* to let go. Right now I need to clean this place up a little before the weekend. Any help appreciated

LIBRA ZODIAC PREDICTIONS MAY 2024

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