Something to write on my boyfriends wall

I am seeking someone with whom I can engage in deep conversations, exchanging thoughts on how we live our lives, our perspectives, and what we make of existence as we await our inevitable demise. I am looking for someone whose outlook on life aligns with mine, with whom we can collectively find the best way to live out our allotted time. Together, we will share our plans and goals, discussing our understanding of various matters.
I would be delighted if you, upon deciding to write to me, could explain why you chose to do so and share a bit about yourself, to streamline our initial conversations.
Some of my reflections and views on life: - I've come to realize that happiness for me won't come from having a big house, an expensive car, or even a family. Happiness, for me, lies in improving people's lives. Eventually, I'll die (like everyone else), and if I only live for myself, it would be meaningless—everything will go with me to the grave. But if I create something that improves people's lives, something that remains even after I'm gone, it gives meaning to my own life and brings me hope and happiness. I'm willing to dedicate my life to this, to improving the lives of others. - I'm interested in philosophy not just as a hobby, but as a necessity for determining the direction of life and how to approach it, understanding what to do in this life. - I often ponder the meaning of life in the face of inevitable death (because what comes after death greatly influences what to do with life). - I'm interested in what to do in life and how to spend it. The typical scenario of finding a job with good pay, buying a house, starting a family, retiring, and dying doesn't appeal to me (but I don't have anything against it). If you resonate with these sentiments, I eagerly await your response.

I think we have all had these people involved in collaboration at one point or another...
You know the type, you bring them on board only to start regretting the decision because they find ways to dig their heels in over tiny things, then slowly start assimilating themselves into the directors chair and try to take over everything and slow everything down to a crawl.
I was finding myself to be a pretty decent low budget filmmaker. I know every production is different and every crew works a different way. I was big on not over planning my movies. I knew that what was in my head was unlikely to be what appeared on screen with the limited resources I had, so I would arrive on the day and adapt. I liked a fast paced environment, ideas were always welcome and I wouldn't be too precious over production issues. Working at such a low budget, or sometimes no budget at all, I understood that I would rather shoot the scene how I could and make the most out of it rather than be bitter about it not being perfect. It was freeing, it was fun to be creative in working around issues etc.
My short films were garnering some interest and local actors and crew were wanting to work with me when I was trying to set up a project.
I had worked hard on getting my first low budget feature film into pre-production and it looked like it was about to start shooting in the next couple of months (this was in 2016).
...and then I brought in the cinematographer...
The DP was a good friend of mine. We had met through the local film scene and followed each others work, but never actually collaborated. I thought it would be a good idea to delegate DP duties and we could both embark on feature films together.
He had worked on bigger productions before, bigger than what I had worked on though not as a DP.
It was apparent very quickly that he was unwilling to just adapt to the smaller scale of my production and was pressuring for more and more.
What started as me hoping somebody with DP experience would be able to come in and improve the visual elements of the films through sheer experience and resourcefulness and understanding, was very far from the truth.
Very quickly, he was insisting I spend a good amount of the budget on renting better high end cameras, better and more extensive lighting and wished on me bringing in additional crew to assist him with the DP duties. I was not opposed to this, and figured as a cinematographer it would be a worthwhile investment to the project. Then of course came insurance for that gear and suddenly my very low budget was already starting to dry up if I proceeded.
I figured if we are going from making a cheap local indie feature into something more professional looking, maybe we should try to utilise the gear we had to try and film a couple of things to raise interest and potentially gain some more investment via crowdfunding, so we took some scenes and shot them. They looked alright. Better than what I had been doing on my own anyways...
It was apparent during the shooting though, that he wasn't just focusing on cinematography. He was overruling some of my decisions with actors, trying to change locations and entire conversations. At one stage when I was elsewhere, likely catching a smoke or toilet break, I came back to see him talking the actors through a few things, and when I was trying to get him to adapt what he had in his head to what was actually possible to shoot, he was getting a bit preachy and huffy about not getting his own way.
All things considered, the shoot turned out ok in the end. After I edited it and carried out some detailed sound design, it was actually pretty decent.
The cinematographer then started sending me messages questioning the casting of certain people, and started suggesting alternative actors. He would also start questioning the tiniest bits of dialogue with a sort of 'know it all' attitude, wishing to change locations of certain scenes (for example, from a bar to an office). He obviously had plans in his head to make 'this scene look like the scene from X movie or Y TV series'. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to film ideas he wanted to visually do, and not actually shoot the script the way I was asking him to shoot.
This progressed into him requesting more gear, because he had ideas. I just didn't have the money for this, but he was digging his heels in again and again over everything including directing decisions, writing, casting.
Film is a collaborative effort, but I had brought in somebody who was taking over the production and any time you had to move him back into his station he would give you the 'trust me, I worked on this and this...I know best' mentality. Production was slowing to an absolute CRAWL because he would just constantly bombard you with expectations and challenge everything, and when things finally got started would take forever reviewing a shot and lighting before he was happy to shoot. I am not against quality control, but this isn't Hollywood, we didnt have the time, money or resources to be this strict about the craft. We had to be in and out of locations within a certain timeframe and he was just too unwilling to meet me in the middle between what he considered his level and my level, it was his way or nothing.
The guy had clearly wanted to work with me, so it confuses me as to how the guy who apparently liked my work and style just wanted to entire project to fit what he thought was best, and my role as the director was requiring the inevitable where I was going to have to kick him off the production because we weren't moving any further forward with his elitist attitude towards the project.
The project eventually folded and never returned. It was what it was. If I had kicked him sooner or even shot it myself, it probably would have been completed. Maybe not to a super high standard, but I wasn't looking for a BAFTA, I just wanted to shoot my first feature script with the money I saved for it, but the budget was drained and the project had been at a standstill for too long directly because of this cinematographer that was constantly throwing spanners and changes into the works.
I thought it was me and I just couldn't handle a production. But as time went on, I worked with others and projects all came together nicely, I had good working relationships with crew and cinematographers. I may have been less experienced, but he certainly damaged the production.
Years later, we are still friends and we do still share ideas with one another.
But I have noticed every single time we initiate the possibility of collaboration, the professional side of him flares up and it becomes the controlling production knowledge it all demon that I experienced back in 2016 all over again. Anything I've ever sought to make without him, gets made. Every time we try to work together, it never gets made for all of the same reasons initially.

I (16F) used to be friends with Genevieve (16F), however we had a falling out last year and she's told me I'm wrong for holding a grudge that long. It all started when my ex-boyfriend Axel (16M) had won me a burrito squishmellow at a theme park. When Axel won the burrito he texted me asking where my locker was, however I completely forgot what my locker number was, so I just told him to put it in the end locker, which I knew was my friend Kayla's. The next day me and Kayla met up, opened her locker, and there the burrito squishmellow was, on the top shelf of the locker. The next period, right when we were about to leave for lunch we open Kayla's locker and the burrito was gone without a trace. We checked the lockers around it, maybe we opened the wrong one or something? But the burrito was officially missing. After lunch Kayla recalls that she was with Genevieve, Genevieve had told Kayla to close her eyes while she went to go do something, there Kayla catches Genevieve at her locker, and Genevieve tells Kayla to keep her eyes closed. Yes weird, but not extremely out of the ordinary. In hindsight, yeah that was weird. At the end of the day, again, me and Kayla checked her locker and boom. The burrito was back in place, like it never left. Now later I took the burrito home, and chalked it up to me and Kayla being extremely tired. I asked Axel about it and he said he didn't move it. Months later, we remembered the situation and tried to find out if someone actually stole the burrito. We talked to Genevieve, considering the weird encounter she had with Kayla, Genevieve said that SHE saw our friend Jackson stealing the burrito. Weird, what motive would Jackson have for stealing our burrito? So we asked Jackson and he said he had absolutely no idea what we were talking about. Okay, so Genevieve just lied to us. She HAD to have stolen that burrito. We make this plan, consisting of us (me, Kayla & Genevieve) fake interrogating Jackson about the burrito, while Genevieve knows DAMN well she stole that burrito. Finally after a whole day of this Genevieve admits that she was the one who stole the burrito AND put it back like two hours later with no harm done to the squishmellow at all. She doesn't even have a damn reason for all of this and she just said she's sorry. Now after that day I stopped hanging out with her. Why? Well while she hadn't stolen my stuff before she had ditched us for boys, tried to turn us against each other, and always talked bad about us. That burrito was just my last straw. A year later Genevieve asked if we wanted to be friends again, and I said no, for all the reasons I just said and the aforementioned burrito incident. She says I'm being petty for holding things against her that she did a year ago, but I know what's been going on with her lately and I can tell she hasn't changed one bit.
So am I the asshole for not taking her back as a friend?

I've been severely bullied at work by my supervisor who is finding and making reasons to write me up every week, unsupportive coworkers who are either ignorant or collabs with my supervisor to make my life miserable.
I've been in such a bad place mentally that now I cannot sleep due to anxiety. I saw a video on social media (don't bash me yet) and decided to try a freezer spell after reading about freezer spells here and also around the internet. Ultimately, I did a freezer spell very similar and guided by this 7 year old youtube vid made by WhiteRaven and other blogs I've read.
This is my first time doing any spell. I did a freezer spell to stop my boss from writing me up. I also did a freezer spell on my coworker to stop talking about me. I also did a freezer spell for a client to stop nitpicking and to stop creating situations to get me in trouble.
I cut a piece of paper, wrote the name of the person, their birthday if I had the info, and the things I want them to stop doing. I folded it up, soaked it in vinegar, sprinkled some salt and pepper and then put it on aluminum foil then folded that. I put the folded up aluminum foils (4 of them, one for each person) in a ziploc bag and froze it. Then I took it out and brought it to a different house where I have an almost empty freezer. I then put the foils in an ice cube tray, filled it with water and vinegar and froze it into hexagonal cubes. I put the cubes in a glass jar in my almost empty freezer.
I had a good break for 2 weeks. The the people I put a spell on started doing their usual shit again... Two days ago, I took the cubes out, saw that there were some aluminum foils exposed and not covered in ice. I set my intentions and put the exposed foil parts in more water and froze it again. Then I smudge the house with sage and rosemary.
It hasn't stopped 2/4 people from tormenting me. I am breaking down at work and being stretched so thin. 1/4 (the coworker) always talks badly of me in a sneaky way. She'll make a snarky comment and make it look unintentional but many see right through it so idk if she's stopped or not because it takes time for her sneaky comment to get to me.
I just want to last until the end of June without any more trouble so that I can interview over the summer and move on from this hell.
What can I do? Did I do something wrong with my freezer spell? Is this not the right spell?

Some background: 38 y/o male, been working as a Technical Writer for 15 years, 10 years at my current company. BA in English. Have generally been very successful but have been feeling extremely burned out for several years. Have hit a ceiling of upward mobility and also the company has taken a turn for the worst - tons of layoffs, more and more asked of fewer and fewer people, etc. Really don't believe in the product (hate AI, finding lack of meaning in XVR etc.) anymore. Post-COVID I've been working from home and just feel so isolated. Also everyone I deal with these days is in India/China so I pretty much just work in total isolation. Very little feedback loop with my work.... like generally I have no idea if anything I write even gets used. Feeling like I really need to make a change for my own mental well being.
I'm an extroverted person - good problem solver, good listener. I'm generally high energy and like being busy. I'm pretty squeamish with blood/bodily functions so I don't think the medical field would be right for me. But otherwise I just am trying to decide where the hell to go from here.
I really really want to get out of tech. I feel like these companies are generally making the world a worse place. I just wish I could get up in the morning, be on my feet, have some human interaction, and feel like what I'm doing is at least making a difference in some way. Like I don't need to be curing cancer or something just like... any sort of feeling like I helped someone or solved something would make my day. I'm aware I'm probably going to need to take a significant pay cut but I guess something that still pays decently well would be a requirement.
Very aware my question is vague. I guess I'm just seeing if maybe someone else felt the same and found something that worked better for them.

Need help on relationship issue
So, recently my boyfriend/fiancé(turning 20 next month) of two years and I(19) “broke up” and cut contact because his parents were like “you’re wasting your life away” there’s not many job opportunities over around him without a car (he lives in Hawaii) and he says he wants to get out of no contact one day but I’m currently writing a letter and I feel like I should say something about this situation and how it can be handled? The thing is his parents keep saying they’ll cut off his service and/or take away everything which isn't fair and theres a way for us to get out of no contact which is him going to his biological moms place (in mexico) which he's been there before but its been a year since hes been back and his mom (grandma in hawaii) doesn't want him leaving bc worried bc she and her husband are getting older and yes I understand that but he and I are long distance so its like we have to visit each other. I was also thinking about visiting and asking his best friend to help me plan a surprise party for his birthday. i just need help with advice/solutions please.

Intro:
Today I am reviewing what I believe to be the most disappointing Dhar Mann video of all time. It had potential, I was invested... then Dhar Mann just completely fumbled it. Expect me to get more scathing and frustrated as this review goes on.
This is also a weird twilight zone moment because Azeem, who famously salvages bad Dhar Mann videos, is one of the main contributors to what made this video awful (His character I mean, not Azeem himself).
Review:
Our story begins in the school theatre. Auditions are happening, and our titular dorky girl, Julie (Cecily Dowd), nails it. She does so well, in fact, that the heads of the drama club close up all remaining auditions for that role. That's pretty fucking mean if you ask me. Next up is our titular hot guy, Chase, a jock who hates being a jock. His audition sucks, and the coaches tell him that he's not getting the role.
What the fuck is going on here? Cutting off an audition early is one thing, but outright telling somebody they're not getting the part??? This is like the inverse problem with the tryouts for Bookside's Football team I covered last week. Between this and dismissing all people who haven't auditioned for Julie's role yet, this is super unprofessional.
Disheartened, Chase goes to the back of the theatre to sit with his unnamed narc friends (Azeem Vecchio and Nathan Ing. Knowing that it's these two good actors in this role makes this video just...). We learn that Chase knows he sucks, but he needs to get a role, otherwise his dad will make him play baseball again. We get a namedrop of Chase's bitch of a girlfriend, who blew him off to go shopping. Julie comes by and gives her condolences to Chase. Once she walks away, the narc friends make fun of her, and Chase gets a call from Bitch bitching about shopping or some bullshit. She verbally abuses him and also insists that he sticks to baseball.
Wow, a sympathetic protagonist! This is rare in Dhar Mann. Chase is a good guy, but he's manipulated by an abusive dad and a controlling girlfriend. It doesn't help that his friends suck too.
We cut to lunchtime at school the next day, and typical Dhar Mann plot contrivances occur. The male lead (the role Chase tried out for) turned down the part because he got cast on Broadway... you didn't have to go that far for an excuse Dhar Mann lmao. Oh but the contrivance gets even worse, because apparently the directors are giving Julie full power over who the male lead will be... Excuse me?
Why are the directors letting some random student decide this? This is especially contrived considering we saw how unprofessional and absolutist they were earlier... what the fuck. Anyway, narc friends pressure Chase into doing yet another bad thing: manipulating Julie into casting him by pretending to be romantically interested. This is made even worse by the fact that Julie has had a crush on Chase since they were little. That's fucked up, narc friends. They at least made Chase sympathetic enough to understand why he went along with this.
I have to give it to Chase here, because he doesn't outright ask Julie for the role or even pressure her to give it to him. He approaches her asking to help him get better. He's sincere in his compliments to her about how great her singing and acting is. He gets her number, and they arrange to hangout and practice together. So far, Chase isn't in the wrong yet.
We cut to the next day, in the theatre, where Chase is auditioning by reading a scene with Julie. Once again, I have to give a Dhar Mann video credit on something. It's annoying how his videos always repeat the message of the video word for word, but here, the message is stated in a fictional play that these are reciting. That's a bit more clever if you ask me, and MUCH more tolerable. Nevertheless, the directors are not impressed with Chase. They ask to speak with Julie in private... why? They've already been so mean to Chase right to his face, why hold back now lmao. In any case, the directors really don't like Chase, and Julie, at least for a moment, begrudgingly resolves to tell him he's not getting the part.
Julie tries to let Chase down lightly, and this is where Chase finally enters "in the wrong" territory. In a last ditch effort to keep his shot at landing this role, he lies to Julie by telling her that he likes her. Leaning on somebody who likes you to improve at something? Sure. Having them help you audition with their endorsement? Fine. Lying to them to manipulate them into nepotism? That's wrong and messed up. He even lies to Julie and tells her that him and Bitch broke up. Unfortunately, Julie falls for all of this, and overrides the director's decision.
We cut to Chase hanging out with Bitch at some salon. She never shuts the fuck up until Chase mentions Julie in passing. Chase... buddy... you fuck up here... He tells Bitch about his master plan to manipulate Julie. Why do characters in Dhar Mann snitch on themselves so fucking much?!
Julie and Chase are reading lines that mimic their situation a little too closely. That in itself is fine, I just reaaaally hope that they don't break the 4th wall (and insult our intelligence) by acknowledging this. Chase and Julie start genuinely bonding and it's actually an immersive romance for once. They find out they have so much in common and we see a spark form. Even having watched this before, I genuinely forgot about Chase's plan. For the first time, ever, Chase is realizing that Bitch doesn't even remotely care about him the same way that Julie does.
For once, I actually enjoy a montage. The music actually fits, and we see a lot of cute romantic moments. It's so heartwarming, in a way that Dhar Mann videos fail to tug at my heartstrings. Like I said, I was sooooo invested in this video and it had so much potential.
We cut to the day of the show, and Chase's narc friends... oh, right, these clowns still exist... they sneak backstage and support Chase... sort of. They don't congratulate him on a job well done, they congratulate him on manipulating Julie and talk mad shit about her... like why don't you guys just fuck off and get a life already? They leave, and Julie walks, with a massive glowup! Literally every other Dhar Mann character glowup sucks except for this one. Not only are 99% of the now "hot" people at the very median of the bell-curve, but even IF they actually were that attractive, NOBODY reacts irl with the hyperbolic drooling that Dhar Mann characters do. This glow up works because they don't put Julie on a pedestal, nobody ogles her, and nobody suddenly acts really nice to her. It's a much more realistic, Chase tells her she's beautiful, and that's it.
Chase and Julie absolutely knock it out of the park on stage, and the crowd goes wild! This is the only time I recall getting shivers from a video in a Dhar Mann video. The chemistry is so real, for one and one time only in Dhar Mann! Backstage again, Chase and Julie share a romantic moment, but they're still in intermission, so Julie leaves momentarily.
We are at 17 minutes of this 22 minute video. It was good for 17 minutes. These last 5 minutes are all completely fucking downhill... Dhar Mann absolutely FUMBLED this video in the remaining time!!!!
I genuinely stopped writing and watching for a minute to brace myself for how enraged I am going to get from this point out...
Narc friends sneak back stage again and... how does this keep happening?! And sure they tell him he's awesome and all, which is new, but other than that, they give the EXACT FUCKING SAME exposition that they did before the play started. Even in the context of this story, why? Why do this again? Oh, and they don't just loudly announce Chase's plan quietly among themseleves, they fucking declare this shit so loud that the entire world can hear. Including Julie...
Julie is obviously devastated, but what's even worse is that the narc friends just fucking skedaddle. Some fucking friends, right? They seriously left Chase alone to endure Julie's wrath. Even IF they don't know that Chase developed genuine feelings for Julie, isn't it still in their best interest to help Chase so he doesn't have to play baseball again?! At the very very very very least, the friends should say something like "dont blame Chase! He's a good guy, this was all our idea and we put him up to it!" but no. They just take off. No retribution. No consequences. Nothing. Chase gets the entirety of the rage and the blame.
The whole "I was using you at first but grew to actually like you" trope is something common in Dhar Mann. Dhar has made complete assholes get off scot-free and have a happy ending. Here you have a genuine guy who made a mistake and knows it, and he gets the absolute worst of it.
Oh, it gets even worse though... because in another extreme coincidence, this is THE ONE AND ONLY TIME that Bitch decides to care about Chase's life, and show up backstage (HOW ARE SO MANY AUDIENCE MEMBERS GOING BACK DURING INTERMISSION???) to give PDA right in front of Julie. Bitch literally says right in front of Julie "Why is she crying? Did she find out you were just pretending to like her?" Like holy fuck this is overkill! You don't need to narc on Chase this goddamn much!
Despite everything I just said post the 17 minute mark... This video had one more chance for redemption. Dhar Mann could have, and came soooooo close to redeeming this mess... I have to brace myself once again.
In the second half of the show, Julie's tone is much more scathing, while Chase's is completely timid. Usually I hate when, in fiction, people resolve their conflicts on stage by "being themselves", but here... it works. Chase breaks character and gives a sincere, honest apology and plea for forgiveness. I know I've used this phrase a lot, but it is such a heartfelt moment. If any character in Dhar Mann ever deserved forgiveness and a second chance for being genuinely repentant, it is Chase. Hell, even the entire damn audience is rooting for Chase and wants Julie to forgive and embrace him!
20 minute mark. 2 minutes remain, and we just had another peak moment after a valley, so surely this video can't fuck it up... right?
Julie runs off stage and the director calls an impromptu intermission. But then we cut to the next day at school... What? No! You can't just not tell us what happened the rest of the night and what became of the show!
Chase goes up to Julie at her locker with a gift of their favorite food. Chase tells Julie that he broke up with Madison, much to Julie's indifference. Chase is wearing a "so you see..." backpack by the way... Dhar Mann was INTENT on ruining this video holy shit.
Julie tells Chase that she talked to the director and they have decided to recast Chase's rol- HUH?! What??? What the fuck do you mean recast his role?? They JUST HAD the show!!! What do you mean for the rest of the run? That's not how school plays work. And no, there's no bullshit about it just going on a few more days of this weekend, because Julie specifically says that she can't bring herself to dance with Chase EVERY weekend!
I started banging my head into my desk once Julie said "Did you not learn anything from the show? Like my character says: The truth doesn't cost you-" AHHHH fuck off. The one and only time you had a somewhat clever way of veiling the message of the video, you had to fuck it up Dhar Mann by having her just outright point to the intended message... Julie takes the food and walks away. The end.
Outro:
...yes... that's actually how they decided to end this. What the fucking fuck? This is so incredibly anticlimactic and absolutely nothing is resolved. Chase is still under the abuse of his dad, his narc friends are off scot free, and Julie is still crushed. Dhar Mann has redeemed absolutely irredeemable scumbags and given happy endings to sociopaths, but Chase of all characters ends up with an EVEN SHITTIER life than how the video started?! This is even worse with the next suggested video being Anna from "Nerds Get Revenge on Cool Teens", an absolute fucking cunt of character who gets off scot-free and suffers no penalties for the shitty things she does INCLUDING USING SOMEBODY ROMANTICALLY, which she neither regrets nor suffers repercussions for. Just get the fuck out of my face already. Fuck this video, fuck the suggested video, and fuck Dhar Mann for ruining one of the only potentially good videos he ever made.
Sorry for how heated I got in this review. I can assure you that no other video even comes close to disappointing me on this level. It just... you know what, nevermind, I've said everything I need to say.
See you all next week for another review! Leave any recommendations below!

I had given up the night before so I didn't really look at the 'template' of each essay.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT COUNTER ARGUMENTS- how bad is that???
And idk if my LOR was clear enough but I tried.
Did anyone else have the synthesis essay on like food services?? I was writing about how safety and accountability are most important since it ensures their customers are safe or something- did I read that prompt wrong? Idk what was going through my mind but those essays back to back were insane

Just like the title says, I recently took a job as house supervisor and I’m finding it’s not a good fit. I have three weeks left of orientation, but I’m ready to be done. My coworkers have been very unwelcoming in both verbalizations and body language. One made multiple indirect comments about my weight and will stare at me while I eat lunch. Another doesn’t acknowledge me at all and if they do, it’s met with attitude and eye rolling. One of my preceptors expects me to know it all and not ask questions, and when I do have questions it’s “we’ve went over this! I’m not explaining again!” Like, no we didn’t go over this… we went over something similar but it’s not the same?? This same preceptor has ripped my papers out of my hands and erased things because she was so upset…
There’s more that’s happened but those are just a few that have rubbed me the wrong way.
I told my manager twice (once within the first week, and once very recently) when they checked in on me of the happenings, but they told me to just wait it out. They said, “it just takes time to adjust.” Well..I don’t want to adjust to working with terrible attitudes. I dread going to work. I feel like I’m on eggshells no matter what I do.
Just wondering if anyone has been in the same boat and how did you write a resignation letter? I would assume they wouldn’t keep me around since it’s $$ to precept somebody.
Any advice is appreciated. Sincerely a soon-to-be ex-house sup.

Well hi there! How's the weekend been treating you?
Mine's been alright, but that's not what you're here for is it?
You saw the title on this post and now you're all curious right?
I bet you're wondering what boyfriend stuff includes? Let's start with:

• Getting texted back regularly with an option for phone calls!
  
• Going out on dates with possible holding hands or making out!
  
• I'll make you laugh with all sorts of jokes from the sophisticated cynicism, cutting sarcasm to childish fart jokes I can do it all!
  
• You can get home cooked dinners! And breakfast too if I'm working overnights!
  
• You'll get all sorts of attention and compliments!
  
• I'm emotionally available and completely over my ex's!
  
• Flowers!
  

....and so much more!
Sounds pretty great right?
But who am I?
I'm a nearly middle aged divorced ex stand up comic that's worked himself into full on burnout working in hotels for the last twenty years. It's made into someone that's very empathetic and caring while still being to be cold as fuck when needed.
In my free time I'm kind of a traditional nerdy white guy. Gaming, cartoons (not anime though), science fiction, detective stories, alternative history, sketch comedy, various sitcoms, hiking, cooking and mowing the lawn occupy my off hours. I also tried getting back into writing again, but it's been challenging.
Now it's your turn! PM me and we can start planning the first date!

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

Hi everyone, it’s really hard to write this especially with my thoughts and how my year has been so far and everything going on, I don’t like to open up but I’m really scared I have schizophrenia or something is just going on with me I can’t put it into words I feel incredibly numb and my mind doesn’t feel like a safe place all the time, also scared a drug problem that I had made this issue worse and I never realized till now, it’s hard to grieve and express myself anymore I don’t know why I’m writing this I’m just alone I guess I don’t wanna over whelm the people in my life or my family with everything going on.

Today was something. It wasn't earth shattering, but it was just... interesting.
My ability to tackle tasks and connect information and be sure that I understand things has improved drastically. Today I was completing tasks left and right as if I was a super computer, every piece of each problem came together to form a solution I was able to present to people in need of those solutions. It felt... unreal.
On top of that I noticed I'm much more quick witted. I know it sounds crazy, but the words can just flow so fluently sometimes its surprising.
I've so realized I'm becoming more comfortable with being bored. Not having a computer made me realize how little I actually need one (power and internet outage due to hurricane.). I actually had fun just looking at shadows on the wall and thinking of all the different things I saw in that shadow. I saw so many things. It was like my mind shifted the image one after the other. The last thing I saw from that light/shadow was a curved windows and it looked beautiful.
I'm not so scared of life anymore. Sure I might still feel anxious about talking to folks but I'm more willing and able to tackle that task.
I really love what is happening right now. This is the most clear my mind has felt in a long while. I don't care if I never orgasm again, I just want to keep feeling this way. I love it, I really do.
Goodnight everyone.

I'm 23 and recently graduated college. Now undertaking Master's (full research, no classes), but things have been slow. A lot of my research is dependent on data from our industrial clients, and there's a lot of delay due to management and bureaucracy. So, I've got a shit ton of free time now. When some update comes in from my clients, the quantity is so small that I'd wrap everything up in about 3 days, and have to wait for another month before hearing more from them.
To a lot of people, this might sound great, but I'm an objective-driven person. I need to work towards something to feel fulfilled, and doing nothing at all has actually been eating away at my sanity. It's come to a point where all of the things I used to do to entertain myself has gotten stale (i.e., ran out of comic issues, watched all the shows I've been queuing, games got boring), and I find myself just staring at my walls in my room all day long (WFH research cause I'm doing simulation work). It's starting to contribute to my anxiety too since I feel like I'm wasting my time and potential doing nothing, but I can't find anything to contribute towards (explained further below).
I felt like I needed to change my mindset from a "must work to feel fulfilled" perspective to a "enjoy the process, do whatever" kind of thinking, so for the past few months I've been on a journey of self-discovery. I tried going out hiking, cafe hopping (something I could not understand why people liked. Still don't understand it and it's draining my pockets), and attending events but all of these are things I could do once every 2 weeks with my Master's stipend, and for the rest of the 13 days, I'm just kind of in limbo (I live far away from the nearest city, so transport ain't cheap). I tried attending clubs and organizations in my campus, but there's a distinct language barrier with the locals here and even after attempting to learn the language for 2 years, I'm still not at a level of fluency where I can interact with them well enough, and end up getting isolated from groups. I also got into meditation and yoga to calm my anxiety, but they'll only help for about 2 hours before the anxiety starts creeping back up. Some days, I begin to feel tired out of nowhere and just feel sleepy all the time. Not sure why this is the case, since I haven't really done anything to warrant being tired.
I've started applying for internships to fill my time now, but it's difficult as most companies don't want to invest in me (a foreign student) due to stringent visa requirements in the country. I couldn't really find any part-time jobs that could help build my career either, so I'm kinda lost on that front too.
Recently, I've also applied for professional training but that will probably only last 3 months at most, and it'll be back to limbo. I have another year and a half before graduating, and at the rate things are going now, I'll go insane with absolutely nothing to do.
So, for all of you achievement-oriented folks, what do you do to keep yourselves busy? And for the more laid-back readers here, how do you "enjoy" the process of life? Why do you take on certain hobbies, and what about them makes it fulfilling for you? I want to know everyone's perspective, and hopefully learn something from y'all.

i’ve been on the pill for over 5 years, i’m trying to get my period before my vacation on the 24th and i’m trying something new of skipping a week of pills and taking the sugar pills this week in hopes that i get my period this week/weekend and finish it before the following… has anyone on the pill tried this?? was is effective?? is it a bad idea?? i heard of taking up until the sugar pills and then skipping them and starting the next pack to “skip” your period that month but my boyfriend and i don’t use condoms and i would prefer to get my menstrual period this month just get it early and not skip it… any one got suggestions or advice?

Serious question (US based)
How do I become upper class?
CONTEXT: My family grew up middle class in an upper middle class neighborhood. I remember feeling ashamed because my friends would vacation to Europe every summer or other exotic destinations while I spent my summers working, and my only "vacation" was to go to the local public pool.
I've been out of college for a year now and have been able to take some short vacations within the US, which has been nice. However I still work in retail making a very low salary and my parents have given me a deadline to move out soon. I'm well aware that what I make is NOT a liveable salary, at least in the part of the country where I live.
I've been applying to jobs for almost two years and have gotten the occasional interview or phone screen but have not landed a single offer. I majored in a liberal arts degree but changed my mind on my ideal career path at a point where I was already stuck in my degree. I'd love to work in business but have already been rejected from all the firms in my area, not just the top ones (all without even getting an interview). I've been applying to jobs daily but I know I need a way to earn more money if I need to start supporting myself soon. I've even signed up for a side gig just to supplement my current job but am still waiting to get approved.
I've thought about becoming a gold digger (I am female) or starting an OnlyFans, although I can't quite overcome my conscience to do the latter, and I am too fat to be the former (I have PCOS and have struggled with my weight my whole life). I am currently learning to watch my diet and calories and working on losing weight, but I am currently well over my ideal weight and am only losing weight at a very slow rate which means it will be several years before I am down to a healthy weight.
Now for the good news.
For one, because I grew up surrounded by the upper middle class, I am familiar to some extent of the aesthetic of that class (although it is very different from my own personal style). I don't know some of the really boujee etiquette things like the different types of forks and what not (tbh being so concerned that someone's using a salad fork to eat steak or whatever is stupid. A fork is a fork.)
Because I went to an affordable public college, I graduated debt free, which is huge. I also graduated with a very good GPA and scored fairly highly on both undergraduate and graduate school standardized exams.
I also have a few different credit cards that I use responsibly and don't spend beyond my means (for the most part). I always pay my cards off in full every month and have a FICO credit score of about 770.
I try to diversify my portfolio, and of my savings I've accumulated so far, just under 10% is in a mutual fund, about 25% is in my 401k with company match, and the rest is in a high yield traditional savings account. With every paycheck, I contribute 10% to my 401k and an additional 10-25% into my savings account (I aim for 25% since I still live at home and have fewer expenses right now, but some months it's less).
It's hard because I've tried looking online for advice as far as how to become wealthy and I feel like I'm doing everything right - I went to college, I got good grades, I save a lot, I have no debt, I don't spend beyond my means, I've even tried going above and beyond to show my dedication in my job search by cold emailing recruiters at companies I'd be interested in (especially those who were alumni of my school), writing personalized cover letters, etc. and yet here I am stuck in my barely-above-minimum-wage soul-sucking retail job with a clock ticking over my head that I don't have much time to somehow find something that provides a liveable wage / move up in class so I can move out of my parents house. In addition, I don't really have the money to immerse myself into affluent circles by joining expensive country clubs, etc. (and even if I did, I feel like I would be judged and dismissed because I'm a fat woman), so that severely limits any opportunities to network or rub shoulders with the rich.
I know this is a very long post so thank you if you made it all the way to the end. I would really appreciate any sincere advice on how to move up in socioeconomic status, find a better paying job, etc. thank you ♥️

I (24/f) live in an apartment complex, set up with 6 units to a building number. The apartments are stacked, 2 on top, 2 in the middle, and 2 on the bottom (these bottom apartments recede about 3 feet below ground). I live in the middle, so I have one apt above me and below me. I’ve been living here for 3 years and have had little to no issues.
That being said, a little over a year ago there was a new couple that moved in below me. My boyfriend and I introduced ourselves and had no issues at first. About a month after they moved in, they got a husky puppy. He would bark nonstop for hours, we tried to talk directly with the neighbors but they wouldn’t answer their door, so we ended up emailing the property manager and the barking stopped.
Skipping to January this year, I sent another email to the PM because they would tie him up to their patio to use the bathroom. This goes against the pet policy for the complex. But nothing changed and time passed.
In April when the weather started to warm up it smelled awful! With our patio door open we could smell it from inside. So we called and let the PM know again adding that it’s beginning to smell inside our home, but nothing changed. I called 2 weeks later, and still nothing changed. I want to note I HEAVILY played devils advocate, like “maybe it wasn’t picked up today because the office never called neighbors” or “maybe nothing was cleaned because neighbors are really busy this weekend”. I got fed up and called our local health department and filed a complaint one week after the second call. Someone came out the next day, inspected the area, and spoke with the office. They let me know it should be handled and I left it at that. The rest of that week my boyfriend and I saw the dog get walked 3 times total. The dog was still being put on the porch to poop.
I got fed up and called the health department again this last Monday (5/13) and told the health inspector that the issue keeps happening. He said there’s a “due process” for my apt complex, and unfortunately it would take some time for this to be 100% fixed. I get his hands are tied so I just let it go. This morning, I woke up and saw that one of the maintenance men were down below scrubbing their patio with a bleach mixture. It’s bitter sweet because it’s not the maintenance guys responsibility to clean this up, but I’m happy it’s being cleaned.
Something I think is important, on the lower apt balcony there is about a foot of gravel that stretches across the edge of the balcony. I’m guessing for drainage when it rains? Well, after maintenance cleaned it up, the dog pooped again tonight. It also rained and small puddles formed in the gravel, which the dog started drinking. The water is definitely full of fecal mattepee/bleach. I’m so frustrated, not only because it inconveniences me but it’s not healthy for this dog! WIBTA if I file another complaint with all the new information? Any other advice for what I could do?

I (F31) met up with a guy (M31) over 3 months ago, and we hit it off right away. Slept together the same night and stayed up until the morning having sex, talking and listening to music. We ended up acting very couple-ish during that time, going out to movies, bowling, dinner, and spending weekends together, called each other pet names, would bring back small gifts when we got back from traveling. Even planned and watched the Eclipse together.
Thing is I was going through a breakup during that same time, and he was going through some long existing issues regarding his last relationship too. We both had 8+ year long relationships and would openly talk about stuff that went wrong and it was comforting. We were really supportive to one another and had a lot of fun. Complementing each other on our qualities inside and out. We were incredibly compatible sexually too, including some firsts on both our ends.
Then a week and a half ago I could tell he was texting a lot more disconnected and so I asked if anything was wrong or if I’m just overreacting. We had a phone call and he said he had a date planned for the next week and felt unsure of how to tell me, that when he spoke to them it felt like cheating. I told him he wasn’t doing anything wrong so he shouldn’t feel that way (but deep down it did make me feel a bit sad). I started matching people on Bumble and then I got that gut feeling like I was cheating and realized I like this guy so much I need to just put myself out there.
It felt wrong to ask him to have a talk the day before his date, so I asked if we could talk over the phone the day after (probably one of my biggest mistakes ever). I confessed that I liked him and I felt like we could be something more, and just needed to hear how he felt so we could move on from the cheating feeling. He said he liked me a lot too but that there was an issue of the fact that I had on my dating profile “don’t want kids” and it’s something he’s always wanted. I tried to express that I wrote that because I didn’t feel like it was necessary to put my real feelings about wanting kids when just looking for a fwb. However, the fact that I’ve only dated guys that never wanted kids was giving the impression that I’d never have them myself either.
I basically accepted the rejection and said it made me happy to know he liked me too and hung up. But I just couldn’t end it like that and wrote him a text asking if we could give it a shot. I explained to him that in my 20’s I never thought about having kids, and that I basically just accepted that my partner never wanted them and I was willing to forgo that future of having a family. In my 30’s now I feel very different and understand how important my family is to me and that it’s a path of life I’m wanting to pursue.
We had another phone call, he felt worried that I was changing my stance or he was making me change. But then he also added “this other girl I’ve talked to I like also so it feels unfair to them too.” That’s really what crushed me to hear. That maybe he brought up the kids thing to spare my feelings? But we’ve always been really open and honest with one another so I could see it swing either way. He went on to ask “this is a lot and I’d like to think about it if that’s okay?” I told him yeah, that’s fine.
What really sucks is this was literally the day before he was flying out of the country for a family trip. I felt bad to put so much on him but it felt like now or never to me. So now he’s over half way through his trip and he feels just as disconnected texting as he did before. Obviously I expected less while he’s on vacation with family, but he stoped writing me “good morning” like he always did (even on trips), stoped texting with emojis, stopped flirting, didn’t really ask questions back and stopped calling me pet names back too. I asked him about the pet names if I should stop and he said “I don’t mind being called it but I feel a little weird saying it rn, I’m sorry this week has been a lot but you can still say it” and he assured me it didn’t make him feel uncomfortable.
Basically I just feel like - 1. I missed my shot by waiting until after he went on a date with the other person, 2. Is it really the kids aspect he’s worried about or does he just like this other person so much after just a week of knowing them I never had a shot anyway? 3. Is he actually thinking about things or is he just worried about putting me down when we’ve become so close, and it was inevitably going to be a “no”?

I want to preface this by saying that I am moving on faster than I had anticipated. I have this nagging....something. I don't know. It feels like I'm holding a sneeze, if that makes sense? Like, there *something I should be doing that is in my essential nature*, but I'm not doing it.
That being said, I think that feeling can coexist with the realization that I sort of don't remember you very well anymore. Yeah, I don't know.
Anyway.
I've been thinking about something you said pretty early on. I mentioned that I always keep a bottle of hot sauce in my backpack, and you were surprised. You also collect hot sauce, you said. It seems so silly now. Like, God, it sounds stupid writing this.
But I remember you said, "This is awesome."
God, that is so painful. It was awesome. We had everything in common, even stupid stuff like that. It felt like finding my other half.
I have a feeling you have had relationships like that before. I just have a feeling that....a feeling that you find beauty, wonderment, and similarity with everyone you date. A feeling that you are a romantic person, just not the kind of romantic person that's good with the long haul.
I just have a feeling that, for you, our connection wasn't nearly as special or rare as it was for me. That's something I'll have to live with.

Hello Internet!
I am a teen author, who started writing books at age 9. I invented a story to help me cope with death and my childish fears as I laid my head down to sleep. And, as I've grown, I've wanted to use my stories to help other lost people like me get sleep at night and have something to help them cope with reality too. I owe my story to you people, so, I decided to announce it here, before I finished writing it. This is so I can get your feedback on how you think the story should go as a whole. I have a general skeleton of how it will go, but I would like others to give the story it's flesh, to make it more than my story, but everyone's story.
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Summary/Description/Background of My Current Idea of Dream Reapers:
After the humanoids rip the ground of all of its life and vitality, the mythicals come out of hiding to save them all. They combine their ancient magic to build three portals that entwine the three dimensions on earth. They name them all based on the soil and air of the corresponding lands. The first dimension, the dead, rotten, human infested dimension, was named Dystopia, and was overrun by clockwork creatures and new terrifying wildlife. The next was called Fantasia, that was where most mythicals were from, and where over the next thousands of years they would mingle and merge into one species of many evultimates (creatures mixed over time with other creatures) , the land was fresh and full of life, the air was crisp with clarity, it was named Fantasia after old humanoid text and beliefs about the Mythics. The final dimension was named Everlast, this is where the reaped souls of the other dimensions go to rest before moving on, this is also where the Immortal Reptarians live. All living dimensions (Fantasia and Dystopia) lived without access to Everlast, making it legendary or even mythical.
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Thousands of years into the future, and @#$@! evultimate hatchlings get a mysterious warning from @$$*#U%$ telling them to search for Everlast, because if they don't, the dimensions would (#*$#&%*#@&%. The problem is, none of them can remember anything about their past, and through various missions, therapy sessions, and reunions, they slowly put the pieces together to save the worlds they travelled their entire childhoods.
Things this Story Includes:

• Anthropomorphized Mythological Creatures and Animals
• Multiple POV's or Main Characters
• Daemons and other dark spirits
• Alternate Dimensions
• Many types of LGBTQIA+ Representation and Cultures
• Dystopian/Steampunk worlds
• Time travel(maybe)
• Infected Humanoids(maybe)
• Creative Struggles in a Creative World
• Large amounts of magic
• Famous Fictional Diseases (Zombies, Hanahaki disease)
• Neurodivergent and Mental/Physical Disorder representation
• Prejudice and discourse over freedoms and differences (maybe)
• Found Families
• Runaways/Underdogs
• Nightmares and Suicide/suicidal thoughts
• Alcoholism/substance abuse
• trauma/getting over it
• Escapism/Disassociating from reality
• Loss at a young age
• Finding at least one person who will always love/care for you.
• Intense battle situations (GORE/MURDER)
• Abusive relationships
• Religion (In general I guess: Trying not to spoil everything)
• Open endings :D

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Now, I guess it's time to meet the author, if you're curious! I have no name, so you can all call me by my reddit user. I am genderfluid, bisexual, cupioromantic, abrosexual, polyamorous person. I am the oldest of 5 siblings. I live with 4 other generations. I've been to two funerals before, both people I hardly knew, but felt remorse for either way. I am neurodivergent. I am a lifelong fnaf/Minecraft/Pokémon fan. I am an atheist, but if I wanted to, I'd say I'm a satanist, and if I felt like it, I could say that I admire Judaism and Paganism, but that's all hypotheticals. I am an admirer of cosplay and fur suiting, but for most reasons I sadly don't participate in the costume making/wearing. I come from a big city in "Hicktown" America. I aspire to create a community in which anyone and everyone can join and feel welcome.
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This story is still under development, as I took a long hiatus from it and I kept on reworking it as I aged. I will be posting poles, development updates, as well as character designs (in my art style). I will also link my Discord so we can form a community on there too. On Discord there will be more updates and sneak peaks, but I will try to post equally on both! NOTE: I will be posting usually at around 7:00 p.m. Central Time, except on weekends where I won't do any updates, until late May, due to schooling.
Discord:https://discord.gg/JbZVbfEJ
If you have any questions about me or my work, you can post/comment them here or tag me in a post relative to this one! afterlife AntiLGBTQreal furry Fantasy books fantasybooks genderqueer LGBTQ LGBTQMentalHealth scifi ImaginaryMonsters mythicalcreatures sciencefiction suggestmeabook