I clearly see my pattern in my past relationships: having no tolerance for perceived double standards or feeling accused or mischaracterized. So when I feel those things, I get defensive and try to stick up for myself, instead of just trying to see what my partner needs.
I’m in a good relationship now and I want to overcome this pattern so I can get better at relationships and help take this to the next level. My girlfriend and I have good communication until we’re hurt. I’ve been working on my reactions, taking a breath and separating my rational minds from my hurt ego. But like that’s one thing, she doesn’t think that’s healthy, and to walk away if I think I need to calm down in order to talk better is seen as immature.
We’re trying for the second time to live together and we’re in a small granny apartment on my parent’s property. It’s not ideal but it’s had its benefits. Anyway, she had to move out of her place and we hadn’t found an ideal place of our own yet, so she moved in with me at my parents. For context, I had moved away after college, got married and divorced, then came home to recover after the hard divorce. Now years later, I’m trying to make this new relationship work.
I feel like no matter what I do, she keeps telling me I’m not doing anything and is harboring resentment. She moved in with me and I had spent a lot of time, for example: making more shelves in the bathroom for her, cleaning out the bedroom closet and armoire so she could have everything for clothes, moving all my personal things out of the living room and rearranging to make more space, getting chickens and building a coop and multiple garden beds because she wanted them, I support her in building her business and try to help get navigate a stressful current job she reluctantly has while she wants to keep it. I financially provide and spend a lot of time working on my ego and not reacting from it.
Tonight has me really hurt, though, and my avoidant attachment is really kicking in. We had both worked all day and she was going to be late, so she said to do my own thing for dinner. I was working in the yard, took a shower, and was starting dishes, then planning to cook something for dinner. That’s when she walked in and freaked out because there wasn’t any dinner ready and the kitchen was dirty. She said she assumed that I might have food ready and was really disappointed. I offered to make her food and she said she didn’t want to think and didn’t want me to ask her questions. We calm down and try to talk later and she says that I didn’t do anything to prepare for her to move in. And that when I said my first priority was to make like comfortable for her here (but not complacent and stagnant), and second priority is to keep saving money and looking for a new house. She took this as so confusing and offensive and said we shouldn’t be comfortable here.
I get it she wants to move out but we have high standards and a lot of criteria we’re looking for and we haven’t found out yet on a place we can afford. So we’ve talked that we’re going to live here for the summer (about 4 months of time we talked about) and focus on increasing revenue and saving money so we can jump on a good place when we find it. A couple days, out of nowhere, she said that we only talked about staying 2 months and we have to be out by beginning of July.
I get that she’s anxious and needs reassurance. I repeat our plan back to her and she argues with it. Everyday she had a new idea that she wants to run with and I’ve seen she has a pattern of finding problems and focusing on them. She said awhile back that she feels anxious immediately upon waking in the morning.
How do I work with her and come from love and compassion when I feel legitimately disrespected and hurt? I communicate this and hold my boundary, and her response is, “do you understand why I feel this way?” And when I do understand, I say yes. Tonight, I don’t understand and I said that, then she stopped talking to me… until I started to do dishes again, then she came out yelled at me because I was making too much noise and she had to sleep for her big day tomorrow.
Am I missing something? My rough marriage was to an abusive woman and I didn’t have good boundaries back then and it took too long to recognize the issues.
Is this another abusive situation or am I being too sensitive, or not compromising enough? Even though I feel like I’m pretty much the only one compromising on things.
Thanks for reading. I tried to keep things clear as I could. Any help is appreciated.

At the city council meeting – council chambers, they’re called – I hop up, take the mic when the time comes for public input about the budget. The council likes it more when we speak off the cuff, but I’m horrible about time constraints – I tend to over explain certain points so that when I look up at the clock – it’s a countdown clock, and you get precisely five minutes – I sometimes laugh out loud about the thirty seconds remaining or whatever. Thirty seconds? Isn’t it funny how time rules our lives? – what I want to say to the city council as an aside, then contemplate my conscious experience of time as a kid, a child, when bedtime was like a curse, an adversary, and I would read by flashlight, fall asleep on the facing pages. Summers were how long then? Years? How long ‘til holiday? Decades? Old folks were unimaginable, evidence of time travel.
Good evening, City Council – nice chambers.
If a budget is a moral document, then conversation about the budget is really a discussion about the sort of justice we seek as a community.
This is never truer than with the budget of the police – a vocation that collects evidence of alleged crimes, whether it’s a homicide or a speeding ticket, and which vocation assists the state’s attorney in prosecuting cases by providing a report, physical evidence and sometimes courtroom testimony.
Did you notice how I did not say police are here to protect us? It’s a popular misconception. As a long-time member of community courtwatch, I’ve attended hundreds of criminal court hearings, listened to all the details of crimes and debates about guilt and innocence, and it’s rarely the case that police protect anyone. Mainly they are professionals at collecting evidence.
In the course of their duties, the police also sometimes respond to alleged crimes in progress, in which case they also try to mitigate harm – this is the image of policing we know from movies and tv shows, and while this is helpful in some instances, such as domestic violence cases where no-contact orders are routine, mostly what the police do is compile evidence.
I grew up in a very gun-friendly household – the sort of farm family that has a small arsenal in a bedroom closet and knows how to use it. I was 7-years-old when I first fired a gun, and I was carrying a shotgun through the woods when I was 10. I try neither to be overly respectful nor idly dismissive of those who carry guns for a living.
What I can fairly say about anyone who carries a weapon in service to their vocation is that, as soon as the weapon comes out, any notion of a budget as a moral document vanishes, and the interactions that follow are about following commands, not justice.
Even when guns and tasers and pepper spray are simply present – on display but still holstered – the use-of-force premise significantly robs a situation of its capacity for justice.
Don’t try to talk your way out of a speeding ticket – we’ve all heard this advice. Always say yes sir and no ma’am when dealing with the police – we’ve all said this to young people – to help them stay out of trouble, we say. Staying out of trouble – this is what comes to mind when municipal authority is represented by its use-of-force potential.
When weapons are present during the interaction, concepts of neighborliness and reason will always take a backseat to use-of-force potential. This is why we can never count on policing, as a vocation, to improve community justice or public safety, even if they lived in the communities they patrol, which as we know, most policer officers don’t.
As we discuss the city’s budget, I would like you to imagine funding a community responder model in place of more police – one that has its own department, its own budget, its own pathways to promotion.
A community responder model consists of licensed social workers, trained in trauma-informed nonviolent communication, with an expertise in connecting clients with the resources they need to solve problems and be sustainable – more than just helping people stay out of trouble.
The community responder model uses a different form of authority, which we call reflectivity, which is about sharing information and talking things out. An estimated 73% of the calls for policer service in our city could be handled by community responders. These are calls about noisy neighbors, suspicious persons, mental health crises, overgrown lawns.
As an activist, I know that institution building is not what government bodies like to do – they prefer to do almost anything but build new institutions. In practice, this means funding what’s already there, which are known quantities, even if they are also less effective than alternatives.
So I’m here asking you all to take on the hard task, go the extra step and assume the extra risk – by building a post-policing institution based on the community responder model.
By investing in nonviolent forms of authority, when and where we can, we do more than promote a law-abiding citizenry. We create the basis by which residents are more likely to trust municipal authority, are more willing to engage in nonviolent communication skills themselves, and are readier to think about what it means to make our city a better place to live.
This is the promise of building out a community responder model. More than closing criminal cases or impelling people to do as they’re told, we create the foundation for a new municipal authority premised on nonviolent intervention.
I urge you to ratify a budget that strongly supports a community responder model in place of traditional policing – thank you.
The mayor in response to my address – she has done this on more than one occasion after I’ve spoken – stopped the proceedings to wonder aloud how many members of the public planned to speak. There was a show of hands, then public comment continued. See, they have this rule related to time and the number of speakers, but in reality, it’s like she wants to say: how much more of this will I have to take? When I think it through later, I realize another interpretation is that she’s said to herself – bravo, bravo, this metaphysical weather reporter just said it all, I’ve made up my mind – I need hear no more! I wouldn’t feel comforted by that response either, though the mood of the chambers suggested this was unlikely. A dozen people spoke against extra funding for the police, some from the perspective of having been brutalized by police.
I fantasize about opening a coffee shop themed around tonight’s premise – daily disquisition by the patrons of the coffee shop about no extra funding for police. Day after day, week after week, regulars and total strangers would take the stage in one corner of the room to explain why there should be no extra funding for police. Sure, some people might have particular police officers in mind, certain agencies that bug them more than others, but the orators would be encouraged to speak against use-of-force as a form of authority generally. When we think of heaven, when we have visions of the good life for everyone, the sort of authority you won’t find is use-of-force – by definition, everyone feels welcome to be there, feels heard. True, we may be wise enough not to wish for heaven on earth, but let’s remember – better forms of authority than policing exist.
Afterthought: The mayor questions the figure of 73% in her public thoughts on the matter, and I agree the projections need to be taken apart, made accurate, but I find it just as likely over time that the percentage will be higher than that. A constricted police department – with specialized duties in the community – would be a sign of a new concept of reflective authority. I believe we are at a moment in history where that change can take place at the level of municipal authority, whatever the initial workload looks like.

About a week ago, I reached out to my best friend (26f)’s bf (25m) about throwing her a surprise birthday party. My idea is to throw her a surprise birthday party that is “dad rock themed” because that is the type of music she grew up listening to and is her comfort genre. Ideally, we would all dress up as rock/grunge stars or dads as a joke and play funny dad themed games, bbq, cornhole, etc. My best friend is also my roommate so I want to throw it at our house.
I reached out to my best friend’s mom, who said she thought my best friend would love the idea and let me know she will help with anything I need to make it happen.
However, when I reached out to my best friend’s bf about this, he reacted way differently than I thought. His first concern that he expressed was who all was coming because he doesn’t know how many friends she has to invite. I told him I planned to invite a mix of her family, coworkers, mutual friends, and my bf and him. In total, it wouldn’t be a lot of people, maybe 10. This wasn’t a concern for me because when she threw me a surprise party, there was less than 10 and I still had an amazing time with all of the people who loved me most. She has said many times she prefers smaller groups anyways.
I explained to him that it would just be a small kickback type situation, just bbq and music and good vibes. He responded that he didn’t think she would like it because those people wouldn’t “mesh well” and suggested I do a spa date or an escape room with her instead.
Here’s why I’m considering throwing the party anyways:

1. She has never had a party thrown for her before and has been dropping hints like telling me what kind of cake she would like. When I straight up asked her the other day “would you like a surprise party? Or would you hate that?” She told me she didn’t know because she has never had anyone do something like that for her.
2. She already did an escape room with him a while back and I wanted to do something more personal and special
3. She had originally planned to go with her bf on their annual bday camping trip, but they cancelled it due to financial reasons (aka they both spent money going to HIS sister’s graduation)
4. She is the type of person who is always taking care of everyone else and is always mentioning how it would be nice for people to do the same for her too
5. I personally don’t think it is about the people that are there, but that it is about celebrating her for her day.

I’m hesitant to throw it bc I’ve only known her for a little over a year, while he and her have been together for a few years now. I don’t want to ruffle any feathers, but I also can’t help but think his reasoning doesn’t make sense / isn’t good enough. When I asked him if there were specific people out of that group that wouldn’t get along/told him that I really wanted to do something special for her, he never responded .
For some more context, this bf is in the music industry and when I asked him about doing the music for this party, he said it would be easy , but that he didn’t know if he wanted to do it because then he wouldn’t be able to also party.
I can’t help but feel like he is being selfish/ inconsiderate and projecting because he is a more introverted person and wouldn’t want that for himself . I don’t care if he helps or not but idk if I can pull this off without him, bc they are together so often.
Sorry if this was too long, but I’m new to Reddit . Open to honest opinions about this and any advice about how I can make her day special if not this party/ how I can go about this disagreement with her bf. I care about her so much and just want to take care of her the way she takes care of me. Is there even a compromise here?
TL,DR: My best friend’s bf and I disagree on what we should do for her birthday and I’m thinking of going with me idea despite his opinion. I feel like he is wrong but don’t know what to do.

Hi!! So I made a post a while ago asking how to tell if a cat is fat or pregnant and today we got confirmation it was a little bit of both! She's pregnant with two kittens (confirmed via x-ray) and I'm already aware there's a higher risk of them having wobbly cat syndrome bc she got vaccinated before we knew she was pregnant.
Originally the plan was to spay abort but the low cost clinics around me don't have any openings before she's due and we can't afford the 1k vet bill to have it done at our regular vet. (it's cheaper to wait for her to give birth and then spay her.) A sucky situation but we're making it work the best we can.
I've never dealt with kittens so young before (the youngest I've dealt with might've been around 6 weeks??? maybe 5??). I already got a lot of advice from our vet, espc considering the mama cat is under a year old and has calcivirus. They even gave us advice about how to handle a prolapsed uterus while we make our way to an emergency vet (they doubt it will happen but they wanted to be safe).
The kittens are expected in around 2 weeks, I know there's a decent chance of still birth due to mama being so young along with being malnourished at the start of her pregnancy. She's currently being allowed as much food as she likes (again, as she was momentarily on a regular cat diet), tomorrow I'll be working on a birthing box for her in the closet of the bathroom she's staying in (using an old chewy box and old towels). She doesn't have many places she could move the babies where we wouldn't be able to reach them (we can reach everywhere at the cost of some discomfort+pain to ourselves).
I was told that if there's any active pushing for an hour and there's no babies then it's time for an emergency vet, I was told how to help stimulate a kitten to breathe, as well as to help them latch on to different nipples to prevent any milk hardening, inflammation, or over welling, I was giving advice on how to help mama if she has a calcivirus flare from the stress and pain (her's presents as tongue ulcers and excessive drooling) without immediately going to antibiotics, as mentioned above i was also told how to temporarily care for a prolapsed uterus while on the way to an emergency vet (which btw, should I bring the kittens with if it does come to that??? I'm assuming so but i forgot to ask). I know there's no garentee (wrong spelling, auto correct wont save me :( ) she'll give the kittens calcivirus but there's a pretty high chance she will and I was told what to look out for in case they do develop an active case of it.
Is there any other advice I should have/know? This is also the first cat I've dealt with that has calcivirus so this entire foster is a journey and a half, but genuinely very informing. So any info regarding that would also help! :) Thank you!
Photo of her trying to eat a dog biscuit in my room that was then taken away from her as cat pic tax. :)
https://preview.redd.it/457qpatyna3d1.jpg?width=1512&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=128eb39ca3234fec9903dcb28cf8ba548612a4ea

Hi friends! Has anyone attended a wedding at the resorts (not the parks) and remember how much your room rate was?
I’m sure it’s discounted on the regular online price but I wanted to have a ballpark of what most people spent.
I plan on having my wedding there, but the room prices are a huge factor in how many guests will be there.

So I have a very long house, with our room at one end and main kitchen area at the other. I have a tweetycam monitor which works great, except it doesn’t quite reach the main kitchen area. I don’t want a wifi camera. I’ve been looking at reviews for infant optics and eufy cam, wondering if anyone with a large house has experience with these brands or suggestions of another brand? Thanks!

I've commented a few times in a few posts about my family's experience going through the F-1 to H-1B to GC route to migrate to the US and I've received a lot of questions over the DM, many of which I thought were pretty basic. I thought it might be helpful to put this primer together so folks know the right questions to ask and approach their planning more strategically.
This post is going to be very candid. I've noticed that the questions I've received come from misconceptions about higher education, F-1 visa, and what comes after graduation. I want to give folks the right information, but also temper expectations and give a realistic portrait of what it means and takes to use the student pathway to legally and permanently reside in the US. It is not a stroll in the park, and I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.

BACKGROUND

Two of my siblings plus myself are all here in the US via the student visa route. I received my green card in 2021 after being in the US for nearly 4 years. After receiving my Masters at a prestigious university, I was hired immediately by an organization willing to sponsor my H-1B, which they did so after two years of employment under STEM-OPT work authorization. My employer started putting together my I-140 (Immigrant Petition for Alien Worker, which is the start of the process for an employment-based green card) shortly after receiving approval of my H-1B. As the paperwork was being put together, my partner and I decided to get married and I switched from employment-based green card to marriage-based green card. The employment-based green card would have added around a 3 year wait if we went through with it, while my marriage-based green card was approved in less than a year.
Both my siblings are currently in the same pathway. One received their Bachelors last year, was hired before graduation and has recently received approval for her H-1B. Their employer has committed to sponsoring their employment-based green card next year. My other sibling received their MFA last year and is now in the process of getting their O-1, which is a different kind of work visa. Like me, they both came to the US with a student visa. We were all very strategic about the programs we chose and how we approached networking within our industries.
We also prepared for years. I knew I wanted to get my Masters and permanently reside in the US even before I finished college in Manila. My siblings also knew that early on. So as a family we planned for years, including preparing financially because we knew that we had a very slim chance of getting free rides for our planned degrees. Our early planning also helped with our professional decision-making, because we became very strategic about what kinds of jobs we took after graduation in Manila (except our youngest sibling, who did her Bachelors in the US, so her planning revolved around her academic career in high school). I would say from start (initial planning) to finish (with the last sibling also now on the way to permanent residency), it took about a decade.

GETTING STARTED

Is the student pathway the right pathway for you?
The first question you should ask yourself: can you afford the student pathway to permanent residency in the US? Higher education in the US is not cheap. Universities very rarely offer full scholarships to Masters programs, and those that do are incredibly competitive. So you cannot depend on scholarships to help you pay for your degree--doing so will likely end in disappointment.
(PhDs are usually free and includes a living stipend, but the application process for PhDs are on a whole other level. I will not cover it here but I can answer any questions related to applying for PhDs.)
Most Masters programs in the US are two-year programs, and the average cost of a Masters degree is around $60,000 per year (source). That's $120,000--almost Php7,000,000--in two years. That is a lot of money. That does not include your cost of living, which depending on the location can vary. I personally spent around $1000 on living expenses every month (housing was through the school, so the cost of that was included in my tuition statement)--and that is living frugally in a very high cost of living city. That's an additional $12,000 per year. Of course, you can lower than number by living with family if that option is available to you.
So on average, you would need around Php4,200,000 per year for your Masters degree. Again, a lot of money. It goes without saying that the student pathway is a very expensive pathway to permanent residency in the US. Can it also be a quicker pathway than, say, being sponsored by a sibling? It can be, but that depends on how long it will take for you to save up for tuition.
What if you can make those numbers work? What else should you know?
I need to put this upfront: the F-1 student visa is a non-immigrant visa. Meaning that it is a visa meant for people who will enter the US on a temporary basis. This is why the student visa has no direct pathway or benefit to permanent residency in the US. You need to change status inside the US to one with immigrant intent or double intent to be able to be on that pathway or receive that benefit. That's where visas like the H-1B visa comes in.
You also cannot work outside of your school on an F-1 visa. During the school year, you are allowed to work part-time on campus, and during the summer you are allowed to work full-time on campus. Work outside of the school is only allowed if it's part of your curriculum (i.e. your program has a class for "onsite internship") and you are allowed to be paid while that opportunity is going on. You can do this part-time, but most legitimate universities will have limited opportunities for this (i.e. under your program you're only allowed to take credit for onsite internships one or two semesters). However, your eligibility to work full-time after getting your degree will be affected if you do this full-time for one year. If you want to jump from F-1 to H-1B, this is not something you want to do.
Your ability to bring dependents to the US on a student visa is also limited. You can only bring your spouse and unmarried children under 21. Dependents of F-1 visa holders are not allowed to work in the US (although children under 21 can go to school full-time). This means your spouse cannot work while in the United States, and that includes working remotely for a company in the Philippines.

APPLYING TO PROGRAMS

The student visa still seems like my best option. What's next?
The next step starts with you. I've received a good number of DMs asking me "Is Master of ABC the right course for me?" or "Will a Master of DEF get me a green card?" These are not the right questions to ask because they're not going to get you any good answers. Yes, we know the ultimate goal for taking your Masters in the US to get permanent residency. But the true purpose of getting a Masters in the US is to make you highly marketable and competitive to US employers that will be willing to sponsor your work visa and petition you for your permanent residency.
So you need to view this degree as a way to level yourself up professionally. I absolutely do not suggest getting a Masters degree in something "you already know"--the objective is not to coast while spending Php4,200,000 a year--but to be so much better at what you're already doing. Here's an example.

Maria Clara graduated from Accounting at a good university in Manila and now has around 2 years of experience as a CPA at the finance and accounting department at a multinational corporation based in Makati. She wants to get her permanent residency to the US via the student pathway and has done a significant amount of research on possible Masters programs and career paths in accounting in the US. She started reading into forensic accounting and realized how interested she is in various aspects of this career path. After looking through universities and programs, she has put SUNY Albany's MS in Forensic Science at the top of her list for a variety of reasons. One, it meets the education requirements for certified public accountant licensure in the state of New York. Two, even without a scholarship of financial aid, the costs for international students is not exorbitant at $23,000/Php1,320,000 for the year-long program--with some frugal living and help from relatives in the US, she can save that amount in 3-4 years. Three, New York is the center of global commerce--all the biggest companies and their accounting firms are either headquartered or have large offices in New York City, so she has a wide swath of employment options. Now she just has to get her ducks in a row and make sure her Bachelors meets the requirements for application, as well as put together a shortlist of other programs she should apply and create a timeline for herself and the milestones that need to be hit to make this dream a reality.

Bottomline is, your starting point in this entire process is reflection and research. You need to reflect on your own professional experience and skills, as well as your interests. You need to figure out which pathway will give you that professional and technical boost and do your research on available programs at reputable universities, what the job market looks like for your target profession, which companies are known to hire in this space.
Of course, you should also take into consideration your limitations. For example, you can only go to school in San Diego because you can stay with relatives while you're studying. That means your research is location-limited to however far you think you can commute.
When this is properly done, it should lead you to a place where you have a shortlist of programs to apply to. Each program will have their own application and testing requirements, as well as their own deadlines, so make sure to keep track of that.
PRO TIP: while grades during college are an important part of your application, many graduate programs put a lot of weight on your personal statement and professional recommendation letters. This is why the first step on reflection is critical--it gives you a good direction from which to build your story, which you will need to convince admissions committees to accept you into their programs.

ACCEPTANCE

I got into one of my top programs and I have my finances in order! What happens now?
Now it's time to apply for your F-1 visa. Your university will provide you with the documentation you need from them (this is mainly the I-20 and your acceptance letter), but the bulk of the documentation you need to present to the visa officer will mostly come from you. Namely, because the F-1 is a non-immigrant visa, you need to show strong ties to the Philippines. This can take a variety of forms, and oftentimes your mileage may vary especially depending on the school you will be attending (i.e. there will be less scrutiny if you're going to Harvard as compared to a university that's not that known).
If you did not receive a scholarship with your acceptance, you also need to show that you are able to afford the first year of matriculation. So bank statements containing the total amount of tuition, as well as room and board, will be important (usually the I-20 that the university will issue you will include this amount).
At the interview, be polite and only answer the questions asked. Do not offer up information not asked by the visa officer. I suggest you have a ready answer if the visa officer asks you why this particular school and program, but you should have this answer already if you followed my advice about reflecting and researching before applying to programs :)
Visa is approved and on hand! What do I do while I wait to leave for the US?
Networking starts the moment you receive your passport with your F-1 visa. You absolutely cannot and should not waste a single minute of your active student visa, so this is the time you start telling people that you're going to be studying in the US. You need to work your current network and find peers and mentors who will be willing to connect you with colleagues they know who work in the US or have ties to the US in your professional field. Let's go back to Maria Clara as an example.

Finally, after years of hard work, Maria Clara has her desired acceptance into SUNY's MS in Forensic Accounting program, and her F-1 visa was approved by the embassy without any issues. After celebrating with her family, she lets her boss know about her visa approval, who has been one of her most ardent cheerleaders during this entire process. Her boss has also offered to introduce her to their counterparts in the US once she got her visa approved, which is really important to Maria Clara--she knows she needs to get ahead of networking professionally since her time in the US is limited. She has also reached out to other people she knows in the company that engage frequently with teams in the US. She's messaged her college professors as well, as she knows that a number of alumni from her college have migrated to the US. Her plan is to get connected with as many professionals in her field as possible, connect with them in person once she's in the US, and build a rapport with as many connections as possible so she can be guided accordingly and stand out when the time to apply for jobs comes.

Remember that unlike US citizens (USC) and legal permanent residents (LPR), your time in the US is limited and bound by the rules set by your visa. So you have to be creative and get ahead in some way. You need to be more prepared and more strategic than USCs and LPRs because you simply do not have the time to dilly dally. Yes, enjoy and savor in the moment of seeing the fruits of your labor, but the hard part begins now. You simply do not have time to waste.

DURING THE PROGRAM

I'm in the US now and working harder than ever! Is there anything more I can do to set myself apart from others?
Other than to make sure you have high grades and you're setting aside time to build professional relationships, it's time to think outside the box. Remember that you are limited by the rules of the F-1 visa, so experiences such as an off-campus summer internship is off limits to you. You will need to find ways to strengthen your resumé that doesn't include working off campus, and that could take many forms. One of the most effective recommendations I've received on this is to do an independent research during the summer--you could do it via a professor whose class you really liked, or if you've made inroads with some of the connections you've been building since getting your visa, have a professor oversee a research project you could do with those connections. (This is still academic work, and many programs will give credit for this, so it is not considered off-campus work under the eyes of USCIS.) You can use your research to really elevate your skills and experiences when applying for jobs.
It's also time to seriously start looking at potential employers. You can use the connections you've built to get a sense of what the professional landscape is for your field, learn about peoples' experiences at various companies and organizations, and get a feel for hiring processes. Remember, you don't have a lot of time to apply for jobs once you near the end of your program, so you have to be armed with the right information to guide your job hunting strategy. You will need to put yourself out there and be the best version of your professional self if you want employers to disregard that they will need to spend more money to hire you rather than a USC or LPR who doesn't need sponsorship.

LAST SEMESTER AND GRADUATION

I'm in my last semester of my program! Any tips?
The last semester is usually job hunting season, so make sure that resumé is polished and your network is activated. By now, if you've done the leg work, you will have a shortlist of potential employers and you will have made connections in most, if not all, of them. Time to check-in and ensure that they know you're interested in joining their company and you'd like their support and guidance in doing so. This is one of the harder parts of this journey, and you have to be relentless. Use all the resources at your disposal to ensure your resumé is seen by as many eyes as possible, and that includes speaking to your professors, especially your favorite ones, so they can also lend a hand.
More importantly: submit your work permit application (more commonly known as OPT) as early as possible to avoid delays and getting stuck in the USCIS backlog. You need this permit to be able to work after graduation for a limited time (one year for graduates of non-STEM programs, with an additional two years for graduates of STEM programs) without needing to immediately require H-1B sponsorship.
Getting employed by a company willing to sponsor you is not the end of the line. All for-profit companies are subject to the H-1B lottery, which means you will be competing with other internationals for the limited number of H-1B visas allotted every year. So even with an employer willing to sponsor, the H-1B visa is still not guaranteed. You can work around this by joining what is a called a cap-exempt organization instead, and USCIS classifies those as institutions of higher education, nonprofit entities related to or affiliated with an institution of higher education, nonprofit research organizations, and governmental research organizations. That means more research, and more targeted strategic networking, given that your employer pool now is limited.

EPILOGUE

The student visa is not an easy or cheap pathway to permanent residency in the US. It is getting harder and harder to beat out USCs and LPRs for great jobs in companies that have the experience and resources to sponsor H-1Bs and GCs. You need to do your research every step of the way and prepare to do some really grueling work in order to be the better investment for these companies. Plus, there is the luck element of the H-1B lottery. But it's not impossible. It can and does happen--my family is a great example of it (we're 3 for 3 in this pathway now). Your preparation and willingness to go the extra mile is critical, and you have to be ready to grind for a while. Rest often only comes when the green card is approved.
For those still considering the student visa pathway to migrate to the US after reading this very long post--good luck, and may the force be with you.

TW!!! S/A, Neglect, Suicidal Thoughts/Intentions, Verbal/Physical Abuse
I've had to endure every type of abuse form my parents, and my sister is following in their footsteps. It started with physical beatings and neglect from my mother, I was left unsupervised for hours and wasn't fed regularly, and I'd get hit if my room was messy or I did something small wrong. When I turned 8/9 the verbal lashings started, I was called every swear under the sun and then some more creative ones, for getting a C or breaking a glass. I also started having serious suicidal thoughts and intentions, with outward signs of anxiety and depression my mother has admitted to knowing about, I was also still getting beaten, once I was playing outside when my sister and I were called in, our ball was kicked into the alleyway so we went to go get it then go inside. We were smacked in the back of the head for not coming right in, I ducked after seeing my sister getting smacked so I got a more severe beating.
When I started developing my father started coming into my room even after I told him I was naked, and once or twice touched me inappropriately. He would also talk about very inappropriate topics with me very often, what kinks he and my mother liked, when the last time he had sex was ect.
When I began high school the physical abuse stopped but the sexual, verbal, and neglect didn't. I was about to commit suicide in grade 9 when I begged my parents for help, I got 2 therapy sessions and was guilted for wanting more sessions, I also didn't receive any medication or cbt or hospitalization. I also was forced to spend everyday: 1-2 hours shopping or doing errands after school with my mother, cook dinner, make my own breakfast and lunch, help meal plan, clean the house, do dishes, manage item levels(garbage bags, soap, etc). Most of these were my sole responsibility even though my mother was a stay at home mom and my sister is less than 2 years younger than me so it wasn't like she was busy corralling a toddler or working.
In grade 11 I started to get utis, I wasn't able to regularly take medication so I asked my mom for help, I didn't get it. I also was told to stop worrying so much when the symptoms returned and got worse instead of taking me to our family doctor. In grade 12 my depression got so bad I was starting to really struggle with my schoolwork, admittedly I exploded at my mother for not getting me any help for it and blaming her for it. I finally got medication for the last month of high school. I also got my wisdom teeth out that summer, that had been bothering me and my other teeth for years, I was ignored the entire time I was in recovery and criticized for needing more pain meds than my sister even though my surgery was more extensive(some of the teeth had started to erupt, fuse with my jaw bone, and were fully developed).
I was also told I had exactly $200 to apply to universities. Most applications cost $150-250, especially the better schools, so I applied to only 3 schools that I knew I could get into because the school I really wanted to go to I wasn't sure I'd get in and the application without tax was $200, later my parents claimed they never said this. I was also forbidden from getting any type of job to pay for my applications.
Now my sister whines about every problem she has, repeatedly, that have been going on for years with zero effort to try and fix them. I've suggested diagnoses from professionals to access resources, therapy, self help books, youtube channels, hell I even bought her multiple self help books that really helped me explicitly as a gift, I offered to pay for some sessions with a psychologist so she could get diagnosed. And shes says I manipulated her into hating our parents, I told her what happened to us, and me as kids, that was the whole "manipulation".
I'm so tired of them and their bs. I live a fair ways from them too. I still care for them which is frustrating because they make me feel like garbage everyone I'm around them. Anyways, thanks for reading my rant.

i have always set the bar high achieving without a limit in sight i always held myself with pride tho in the last week or so ive let myself go ive gone down so low i dont even know, what direction i have chose. the task have piled so high the marks have fallen so low i'm failing in everyway that its really starting to show should i give up should i give in why is it so hard to breathe and why should i call this living. i plan to change so much but what about all the efforts i dont like this building block oh please no more lessons im tired of the whole picture im tired of the world why didnt i see this coming as the end comes to prevail im nervious to submit another assessment that is. i gave it my all so many times but it didnt quite fit in. im losing myself in this pitty its exhasting to feel how am i failing thats my question. tho time will come when ive moved on these stressfull times will be like old songs my old muse will be out of tune moving on will set me free but im traped only by my mental piece. -miss you poetry

I framed and drywalled through college (20+ years ago). I've used the skills for a couple flips. I remember the contractor I worked for would quote the same if it was just finishing or if the drywall needed to be hung (same price as if the materials were the same). Do contractors all/still do this?
Im doing a pretty massive reno (2x new rooms, removing 2x walls). But my back doesnt hold up like it use to. I plan on doing the drywall but if it kicks my butt i'll probably just hang it and hire someone to finish it. Do the pros still kill you on quotes if you hung it yourself?
To head it off at the pass, one of the walls is load bearing and Ive already had an engineer out. Im not framing any of it. I dont plan on doing any of the other trades work either. Any help is appreciated.

As the title suggests, I am looking for a roommate next fall. I am currently on a sublease off campus with another guy who will be moving on campus this Fall since he got on campus housing. Unfortunately I didn’t get housing for the fall like many others so I am planning to upgrade my lease to 1 year. However I need a roommate for the double room. The place is nearby. We can discuss further if you are interested.

I am planning a trip to Dollywood with a stay at Heartsong Lodge and have some specific questions: (1) do they have children’s life preservers available at the pool like they do at other family theme park resort pools (or do I need to bring my own)? (2) what are the best door dash/delivery options that deliver to the hotel (I figure at some point I am going to tire of eating at the hotel restaurant every night but may not want to drag my youngest to dinner)? (3) is there a nearby Walmart/target pick up order option? Or could I have a Walmart or target order come to the room?

My name is Jessica, and I live in a small central American city of about 80,000 people.Today I'm going to share a story about Korea.First, I'd like to tell you a little bit about my family.When I was born, I already had an older brother.I don't mean just a little sister with an older brother.My brother was adopted from Korea.It's an unusual situation, isn't it? My parents struggled with infertility for several years before I was born, and they ended up adopting my Korean brother.Then, a few years later, they got pregnant with me, and I was born.My brother had different hair color, skin color, and eye color than me, but we got along very well.Even though we knew from a young age that we were adopted because of our differences, we got along well, and we were a family that loved each other deeply.
We played the same games, read books together, and spent a lot of time together. He always took good care of me, and he was a good brother who made me laugh.
I would say, “Brother, let's read this book together!” and he would always smile and read it to me. I think I liked and enjoyed his warmth to me, rather than focusing on the content of the book.
When we left our cozy home environment, it was time to go to school, and during this time, my brother and I were asked a lot of embarrassing questions.One day, while my brother and I were playing together, a friend asked me, “Jessica, why does your brother look different from you?”The question gave me pause, but he smiled and replied, “Because we are a family, looks don't matter. His positive attitude had a good effect on me, and I'm sure he had a good effect on himself, too.Watching him grow up right, and our family became interested in Korea. If he was a troublemaker and always in trouble, he wouldn't have had the time to take the time to learn about his country of origin, Korea, but when he studied well, didn't fight with his friends, and was a good person who always loved and cared for his brother, we couldn't help but wonder about his roots.
I think my parents also had the will to share Korean culture with my brother and me, to learn what they could, to broaden our horizons and deepen our family's understanding.Many years ago, when I was in middle school, my family visited Korea for the first time, and the experience left a great impression on me.
We visited many tourist spots in Seoul and saw the harmonious combination of Korean tradition and modernity.And Korea, with its many dark-haired, dark-eyed people like my brother, was somehow not foreign to me.For Americans traveling to Asia for the first time, this could have been difficult because people look different and give off different vibes, but not for me. My parents, of course, were very excited to revisit Korea, the country of my brother's birth, and spoke so many blessings about the land of my brother's birth.Of course, there were many good things to see and many fun things to do in Korea, but the most memorable moment was when I suddenly developed a high fever.
It was a quiet night in Korea at the time, and I suddenly developed a high fever.This change was so sudden that my parents panicked.Eventually, with the help of the hotel we were staying at, they were able to get me to the emergency room in Korea, where I was quickly treated.Upon arrival, the medical staff quickly assessed my condition and ran the necessary tests.The whole process was organized, and thanks to the professionalism and quick response of the medical staff, I was able to get comfortable quickly. My situation was so serious that my head hurt like a rock and I could barely understand what was being said around me, but thanks to their quick response, my fever started to come down and I was able to return to my senses.The tests showed that I had a severe flu, which had been contracted in the United States and had incubated in Korea.I had to stop traveling in Korea and be admitted to the hospital for treatment, but thanks to the fast and efficient healthcare system in Korea, this was not a problem.
My parents breathed a sigh of relief and expressed their deep gratitude to the Korean healthcare system.“If it wasn't for Korea, I would have been in trouble,” my father said.Although my family had to stop our trip to Korea and spend the rest of my stay in a Korean hospital, looking back, it was also a unique experience abroad.
Many years later, as an adult, my relationship with my brother was still good. We enjoyed Korean dramas, movies, and music together, cooked Korean food together, and learned Korean together.
However, there was a clear difference between me and him: he seemed to be better at learning, even if he spent the same amount of time studying, and he went to a prestigious university, while I failed to get into college and became depressed.
He helped me with my studies every vacation, taught me how to study, and helped me to get into a prestigious university, but the results were not good. I was rejected by all the universities I applied to, and I was going through a very difficult time. After he graduated from college, he moved back home from the East Coast of the United States and helped me study for the college entrance exam, and with his help, I was able to get into college, albeit late.
Although I didn't get into a prestigious university like my brother, I still had a satisfying college experience and broadened my horizons.Naturally, I discovered that Korea has been on the global radar lately, which was very exciting.Korea may be the latest trend for Americans these days, but for me and my brother, it's like going back to our roots.I've always loved Korea, and it was very interesting and fond to reminisce about my trip to Korea when I was in middle school and look through my photo albums, even though half the time I was sick. So, my brother and I decided to visit Korea again, and this time, we had several goals for the trip: we wanted to make sure that we got it right this time, because we didn't get it right the first time, and my brother wanted to get to know his Korean roots better, even though he is now an adult, working as an American and living as an American, and I wanted to get to know my Korean roots better in relation to my major in college, and this time, I wanted to research more about the Korean healthcare system that I had experienced as a child.
Of course, I also wanted to have fun in Korea and enjoy the freedom to roam around the country unlike when I was a student, but I didn't take it too seriously.
Korea was so different from the U.S. It had the look of a big city in the U.S., but it had its own unique vibe. It was much more developed than the neighborhoods we live in in the U.S., and everywhere you looked was filled with people, and there were hundreds or thousands of stores selling a variety of things. If you were walking around and traveling, and you got thirsty and needed a break, there were cafes all around you that you could just pop into and take a break, and you didn't have to go far to find a restaurant that had one Korean food and sold it, because all the infrastructure was there.
Everything is around you, and everything you want or need is always right around the corner, which is why people call city life so convenient and love it.The public transportation system in Korea, which is light years better than the big cities in the U.S., helped us get around without any difficulty.It was also so much fun to get a T-money card, carry it around, and use it to get around Korea for a very low cost.
And when my brother and I would walk around, going to cafes, restaurants, and other places where there was something to do, many Koreans would tell us that we made a good looking couple.When I would tell them, in a pleasant and complimentary way, that we were actually brother and sister, they would look surprised and apologize.
But it's completely understandable, because even in the U.S., more people think of us as a couple or friends than they do as siblings, and there's not much of an adoption culture in Korea, and no one adopts and brings European or American children to Korea, so it's no wonder we get these funny misunderstandings.
To be honest, even in the U.S. nowadays, you can still encounter people who ask my brother and I questions about our relationship with unpleasant intentions to hurt us, assuming that we are not a couple or friends, but maybe even a man.A recent memory is of an American grandfather in his 70s who made a very rude remark to us, asking us what kind of father our father was to have two women give birth at the same time.
In the U.S., most people are friendly and kind to me, but the problem is that some people sometimes make fun of my brother because he looks Asian, but this was not the case in Korea at all.No one discriminated against me because of my different appearance.
And there's actually a story I wasn't going to tell in this article, but I'm writing it down because I had my brother's permission to do so.After arriving in Korea, we decided to search for my adopted brother's birth parents in order to trace his roots.My parents and I respected his decision to pursue this endeavor in Korea, and of course, we decided to support it. We visited the Korean adoption agency and requested my brother's adoption records.The representative provided us with all the information possible and was eager to help us, saying that efforts to find one's roots are ongoing every day.Together, we were able to find some important clues in the records.
My brother decided to visit his birthplace based on those clues, and of course, I joined him on the journey.We were always laughing since we came to Korea, but at this moment, there was more seriousness than laughter.We visited my brother's birthplace together and talked to the local people.
At the time, there was only a vague record of my brother's father and mother, but no proper records, so we only knew where he was born, and we had to go there and find someone who had lived there for a long time.But Korea is a very fast-developing country, and the sad thing is that the area where my brother was born and spent the first few months of his life was already torn down and replaced by a huge apartment complex. We felt that if we had come sooner, at least before these new apartments were built, things would have been at least better than they were, but there was no point in regretting what had passed.We visited the social welfare center and police station in the area, explained our situation, and asked for help.The Korean people were very kind, listening to my brother's story and letting us know what we could do.
We were told that when a new apartment building is built in Korea, new people who have no connection to the area move into the apartment, but that some of the people who live in these new apartments have been living here for a long time, most likely elderly people, and that the best thing to do is to find them and ask them about their past.We felt that this information would be very useful to us, as we were very confused and frustrated.
So my brother and I, along with a Korean lady who felt sorry for us and wanted to help, approached the elderly people who came in and out of the apartment and asked them questions.But despite all our efforts, we were unsuccessful in finding my brother's biological parents.We had many clues and information, but we were unable to find any conclusive evidence.My brother was disappointed, but we were comforted by the fact that we had done our best. Maybe if we could have spent a few weeks, maybe even a few months here to find and talk to an elderly person with memories of the past, we could have found a clue to the solution, but we couldn't stay in Korea, so in the end, we had to give up without proceeding any further.When I saw the look on my brother's face as he said that if he had the chance, he would visit Korea next time for this sole purpose, I felt a great sense of disappointment.“It's a shame that we couldn't find them, but thank you for trying,” he said to me.I couldn't say it anymore.
It would have been great if he could have completed his homework, but he didn't.Contrary to my initial expectations, the Korean adoption agency tried to be as helpful as possible, and I was very grateful to the government officials in the place of my brother's supposed birth, who were very sympathetic to his situation and actively tried to help him, and to the Korean lady who passed by.
Having been treated by the Korean healthcare system in the past, I took this level of care for granted and thought that it was something that everyone could enjoy, but then, when I was a high school student in the U.S., I was seriously ill and did not receive the same care as I did in Korea, so I remember suffering terribly and tried to understand why this difference occurred.
Before I came to Korea, I had already arranged to meet with someone, and although I didn't get to visit any specialized institutions, I was able to meet with Korean college students, and I learned a lot of information from them: medical students, pharmacy students, and I was able to get a lot of information from them.
The Korean healthcare system was different from the U.S. in many ways: it was fast, efficient, and provided a high level of care at a relatively low cost.The quick response and organized system for emergencies was especially impressive.The emergency rooms in Korea were very reasonably priced, allowing people to go to them for minor and mild symptoms.At this point, I thought that if there were a lot of people going to the emergency room for minor symptoms, it would be a problem if someone came in who needed emergency care, but the hospitals in Korea made it very easy to answer that question. I also learned that when a really urgent patient comes in, the emergency room prioritizes the emergency patients and treats them first, ignoring the minor ones. It's so simple and obvious: the doctors have the skills to determine the severity of the patient's condition, and they can prioritize the treatment accordingly.
Not only that, but it was very easy to get an appointment in Korea and the wait time was short. The Korean medical staff emphasized patient care and prompt treatment, and they utilized the latest medical technology and equipment to provide the best possible medical care.
In the U.S., medical care is often very expensive, complicated, and difficult to access quickly, and many people are unable to get proper treatment due to insurance issues.I also received prompt treatment in Korea when I was in middle school without insurance and had to pay a reasonable price, but the experience was a nightmare as I remember being very sick in middle school and high school, and I felt that the Korean system was far superior.I felt that the Korean healthcare system is not for profit, but is dedicated to protecting the health of the people.
Through my experiences in Korea, I learned about a much broader world than what my brother and I knew before.There are many factors that make Korea such a great country, but the culture and system that my brother and I experienced firsthand helped us understand why.And most of all, Korea is the country that made my brother.I have grateful feelings for Korea, which is also my brother's roots.
My brother and I could tell without speaking to each other that through this visit, we saw in each other a willingness to continue to love Korea more and more, and to strive to learn and understand Korean culture.
Korea is now a country that has special meaning to me as an adult, and I think it will be a great pleasure for me to honor my brother's roots and watch Korea develop and grow.I will continue to connect with Korea and try to help more people discover its charms.
And next year, he plans to visit Korea to find his roots once again. He plans to stay in Korea for more than a month, and he will continue his best efforts during that period.

Hi! I am a digital artist looking to build a new PC as my current one is getting so old it can't even support Windows 11 (and with Windows 10 losing support in a year-ish I figured It's Time). I plan on purchasing all the parts within the next couple of weeks and assembling the PC (with help lol) sometime over the summer. I really don't know the first thing about any of the stuff that goes into this so I will fill out the answers as best ! can! Thank you for your help 🙏
I will follow the instructions
Questions

Is this a brand new build, or an upgrade to an existing build?

This will be a brand new build

Please list any existing parts or monitor(s) you have that you would like to re-use with this build. For upgrades, a PCPartPicker list of your full build is extremely helpful. Be as specific as you can be here, including links or exact model numbers of each component whenever possible.

No, everything on my current/old pc is 5-10 years old 💦

What will this PC be used for? Examples include things like gaming, general/multimedia use, photo/video editing, coding, AI/ML, etc. Include specific games and applications you intend to run, and any particular performance goals you have, as each may have different specific hardware needs.

I will mainly be using it for creating art and animations using both 2D and 3D software such as Clip Studio Paint and Blender. I would also like it to handle some casual gaming (most intensive I can think of are Subnautica, Outer Wilds, Another Crabs Treasure?) and streaming. I just need them to play well enough. I have some interest in game development as well although I don't have any software chosen for this purpose yet, its more of a dabble 🙏

What country will you be purchasing in? If you are in the US, do you live near a Micro Center? For other countries, please check if your country is supported by PCPartPicker by using the country selector dropdown on the top right - if not, please provide some links to reliable local vendors you are comfortable ordering from.

I am in the US and I can access a Micro Center

Do you need one or more monitors included in the budget? Please list how many and any size/resolution/refresh rate preferences if needed.

Yes, I would like one ~23-26 inch monitor. 1920x1080 resolution (seems pretty standard?). Good color accuracy is also fairly important

What is your preferred and maximum budget range for this build, in local currency? Parts lists may sometimes have additional shipping costs. Please note whether prices in your country include sales tax or not, and adjust your budget accordingly. Typically VAT countries will have it included in the part list prices, whereas regular sales tax countries like the US and Canada will not.

My preferred budget would be between $1500-$1800 but I'm willing to go up to ~$2000. I'm not terribly concerned on shipping/tax pushing it a little over.

Do you need WiFi, or do you have a wired ethernet connection available?

I have wired ethernet connection available

Do you have any specific size or noise requirements for the build?

My tower is mainly going to be sat on the floor on the outside of my desk, so the size can be pretty flexible as long as we can pick it up to put it on a table for occasional maintenance. Noise should ideally be quiet but i don't need it to be dead silent or anything.

Do you have any aesthetic preferences for color or lighting? Describe what you're looking for, or feel free to provide some links to examples that may help. Some people prefer an inobtrusive stealth build, while others may prefer a case full of rainbow RGB.

I'm more interested in practicality and longevity than aesthetics! I would prefer minimal/no lights but its not a dealbreaker. (I sleep in the same room as my PC and would rather not be awoken by a random rave when windows decides it needs to update lol)

Any other specific requests or requirements? Examples might include a specific minimum amount of storage, or a particular CPU socket for a future upgrade path, etc.

I would also like an internal blu-ray/disc drive if possible on a modern case

In the quiet of night, beneath the moon's soft glow, I remembered Andy, from not long ago. His smile, once a beacon, now dimmed and far, A distant memory, like a faded star.
Weeks turned to months, and seasons did change, Yet my heart held tight to that meeting, so strange. I searched for his laughter in the echoes of the wind, Hoping against hope our paths would cross again.
But fate, it seemed, had a different plan, For Andy, sweet Andy, was a fleeting man. His kindness, his warmth, a mere brush of light, Gone with the morning, swallowed by the night.
I wandered the places where we once had met, The cafe, the park, with a heart full of regret. For in the bustle of life, I had let him slip by, Now longing for moments that time did belie.
His words, once a melody, now haunt my dreams, A chorus of what-ifs, and might-have-beens. I search the horizon, the crowded street, For Andy, sweet Andy, whose presence was fleet.
In my solitude, I find comfort in the past, In the memory of Andy, though it couldn't last. A bittersweet reminder of joy and of pain, Of a chance encounter, never to happen again.
For meeting dear Andy, so kind and sweet, Was a lesson in cherishing the people we meet. Though our paths diverged and left me forlorn, His memory, a beacon, forever shall adorn.

I feel like I have to start from the beginning....again
Trigger Warning mention about suicide. Self harm and ideation. Domestic and emotional abuse.
Long post alert
I'm sorry if this isn't isn't right sub for this. But I've been watching vids on YouTube about surviving the abuse. And it's been triggering? Even though I thought I was over this. But I keep getting flashbacks AGAIN lately.
For some back story,
I'm 29F got together with this man not long after highschool. Turning 19. He was 7 years older than me. Looking back I feel he may have preyed on me since I was friends with his brother in highschool. I have complex ptsd and major depressive disorder. Generalized anxiety disorder.
Its been a little less than 2 years since i left. He technically broke up first with me but i was like well if you feel that way than imma go. I was miserable and over his shit by that point. Felt trapped. So i took that as my sign as im free. Cause he can't be upset with me if he ends it, right? I saw the opportunity and ran with it.
Didnt say a damn thing while I packed. Sulked on the bed instead. I even talked with his daughter who was 15 at the time, had the talk with her how me and her dad weren't gonna work out. Reassured her that it was not her fault and i would love to still remain in her life. She was the only daughter i ever had. Was involved in her life for 4 years. He didnt wanna join the discussion so i did what needed to be done for his daughters sake. I sadly passed her each time going out the door to put my things in the car. She was in the living room. So upward I go to my mom's, I called her and she had no hesitation when I asked to come home.
Once I get to my parents, he starts blowing me up. Spam messaging and calling and I told him I needed time to think. "We'd been together almost 9 years and your gone all day and send me a long breakup text after you finally get home and I'm in the shower. This is literally what you asked for, and youre broken up about it? How do you think i feel" Were my thoughts
I came back the next day cause he threatened suicide and i was genuinely scared. Called police. Told him i think well be ok if you get some help and stayed for a month or so when he just got worse. I didnt know at the time he relapsed. His emotional abuse and trying to control me grew errily intense from what i was used to. Was saying I was starting an argument anytime I was trying ti communicate because he would just not.
Throughout our time together, at least living together, He'd go from saying and doing things like
"These are the conversations that are gonna make me put a bullet in my head" Getting angry at something so miniscule and breaking things like he always did, it had just extremely escalated to him trashing the apartment. Timing how long I'd be out at the store or at a work meeting. Didn't work and took full advantage of the stimulus checks and 600 unemployment every week during covid, which he spent on everything but rent. Which later down the road is why our landlords sued us.
I almost got 2 jobs. I nickled and dimed every mf thing to make ends meet. Living paycheck to paycheck. While he's gloating about what he just ordered. Than stressing about how he has no money for rent the next week. He ran my PayPal into debt and almost fucked my credit up. With his spending and the fact that we were being sued. I had to pay for everything. I saved his ass so many times. For almost a fkn decade. I kept saying if I help him he'll be caught up right? But than he'd run his debt in again. He sucked every pen y put of ALMOST all my inheritance money. Talking thousands.
He'd constantly complain about the car I bought him in full. We couldn't drive my car around because it was embarrassing for a women to drive her man around. I always had to be with him when he was doing whatever. Couldn't have any me time. He'd get upset at me gaming and streaming for 2 hours while he'd be at the gym for 4 hours.
Always put me down. Disencouraged any self care routines I'd try cause they'd take too long. Genuinely got pissed at me if I was falling asleep before he did. Give me a hard time if I didn't get the right brand items at the store or even groceries.
Nothing I did was right or enough. Over 100k wasn't enough money. No amount of hours I worked were enough to escape his rath. Nothing I did was fast enough. I used to tell him my life wasn't the drivethru timing at my old job. At some point I just gave up fighting him on it.
He sucked the life outta me. My optimism I'd always have and encouraged him with was gone. This was the life I was meant to live I'd think. I was planning a suicide and self harming shortly after my return back to him. Which was about a month later. I was convinced everyoned wanted me dead. I was just a tool. Only good for money, errands, chores, and BJs. I was just an object to him. Nothing more and much less.
I left again end of october 2022 when i thought he was cheating. He hid my stuff in the closet when a girl came over. Always said he was lusting over other women. Always showed me pics of men and women and would ask me if id fuck them. Said it was ok to find people attractive.
Got to the last straw, left, and didnt look back. Not until i got to my parents did i realize he was emotionally abusive. I stayed ferm on my boundaries. He commited suicide less than 2 months after i left. Blamed me in his note, which was a rewritten version of another he left at the house after the first time i left.
Blaming me and giving me one last fuck you was more important to him to stay in his daughters life. He abandoned his siblings. I felt such a fucked up irony at the time cause it was alnost me. Now i dont feel guilty cause I know it's not my fault. saddly if he was still alive id be in such fear of my life. I was debating filing a restraining order the morning we found him.
The beginning of our relationship was extremely hard to handle. Probably the most difficult before we moved in together. I may have even dissociatrd through most of it? Im not sure how i survived while trying to take care of him. He was also homeless . He was occastionally physical like pushing. He threatened to kill me after hitting me once. But at thr time it happened i blamed myself cause he held everything over my head and i thought i deserved it. I blamed it on his drug use and drinking. I also hit him forst for saying harsh diragitory things to me. He was arrested the next day for breaking into a cops house. That night didnt exist to him and was denied anytime I brought it up(except the day after he broke down and apologized) he was always the victim.
Those early years before we moved in together are still hard to resinate with.
Why are his words in my voice in my head still? After all this time and therapy since his death. Its almost like im controlling myself thr way hed control me? I thougt ive come to terms with the emotional abuse and his death. Multiple times already. I even spread his ashes for fucks sake. And yet his energy still lingers. Not as bad as before granted. But my god man go tf away!
Maybe i repressed the physical occasions? And thr financial abuse? Again I was with him for 9 years. Lived with him for about 5-6 give or take.
Idk Why all this still haunts me? Idk How long it'll take until I find myself again, I thought I already have! Hes just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my trauma and i keep feeling like im back at square one.
I don't feel anxious or depressed even typing this. I just feel so lost. In the wrong world. Like im not cut out for life cause i have too much trauma. Too much baggage. Its too much too vent often to the people in my life now as i go through IOP. I don't wanna be in survival mode forever. Thanks for reading. Any advice is appreciated

my family situation is complicated. I have two grandparents on my paternal side that are alive, and one grandparent on my maternal side. my maternal grandmother stole my mother’s inheritance from her father’s will when he passed, and it’s not that my mom cared about the money. it’s just hard to allow someone to remain in your life when they steal from you, especially during such a vulnerable time in your life, as a family member. my paternal grandparents are another story. my grandfather is attentive and comes to every life event, though with his age and one leg, it’s been harder for him to get out in recent years. he is the sole caregiver from my grandma so he is forced to get out daily though. however, he recently broke his back. and my parents and I are her caregivers now. my grandmother is mentally ill, and hasn’t left the house in over 10 years. she missed my high school and college graduation, my sisters wedding, and my sisters graduate and masters graduations. I assume both grandmothers will miss my wedding and graduation from nursing school. for the last few years, my grandpa has been the only reason she had food each day, and clean clothes, despite her being hateful towards him. when I see her, she continuously tells me she wants to die (she is only 78 and is in relatively good health, no cancer, no diseases), auctioning off her items when I see her. however, she doesn’t take care of herself, and has let her teeth rot, her eyesight is so bad that she uses binoculars to see my face, and her toenails are 4 inches long. she won’t let my grandpa help her with her hygiene, and she refuses to do it for herself. the only thing she talks to me about is the news. she will begin with the new gossip, then move onto the wars in the world and end with how it is all the plan of God, and how the end times are upon us. every time. i’ve been holding out, hoping that she’ll change trying to talk sense into her (shower, stop talking to me like i’m an audience, be nice to your husband). I realized that i’m literally mourning her while she is still alive. i’m longing for the grandmother figure I never had. comparison is the thief of all happiness. I can assure you. I compare my grandmothers to my friends’, boyfriend’s and random people on tik tok’s grandmothers. it’s so unfair. I wish I could tell you all about the great memories I have with my grandmothers, and how many life lessons they taught me. but I can’t. for as long as I can remember (23 years), I have never had a conversation that I would consider normal with my grandmothers. i’ve never been able to go to them for advice, or make cookies with them at christmas time, I never wished to go to their houses when I was little, and I truly forgot what my maternal grandmother looked like because she burned her bridges to my family so long ago. I want to give myself permission to mourn the grandmother figures I wanted to have. I want to grieve the image i’ve had in my head all these years to move on from this world of hurt I live in.

I. Introduction - A. Setting Establishment - 1. World-building Elements - a. Brief description of the world, including its genre-specific features. - b. Introduction to any unique technologies, magic systems, or societal structures.

• B. Character Introduction
  • 1. Protagonist Introduction
    • a. Basic information about the main character.
    • b. Hints at their personality, skills, or uniqueness.
  • 2. Antagonistic Force
    • a. Introduction of the main conflict or opposing force.
    • b. Early indications of the threat or challenge the protagonist will face.

II. Rising Action - A. Initial Conflict - 1. Trigger Event - a. The incident that propels the protagonist into the central conflict. - b. Catalyst for change or action.

• B. Introduction of Tropes
  
  • 1. First Encounter with Tropes
    • a. Implementation of the chosen tropes in the narrative.
    • b. Establishing how tropes will drive the plot and character development.
• C. Character Development
  
  • 1. Protagonist's Growth
    • a. Initial challenges that contribute to the protagonist's growth.
    • b. Development of relationships with other characters.
• D. Building Tension
  
  • 1. Escalating Conflicts
    • a. Intensification of challenges and conflicts.
    • b. Introduction of secondary challenges or obstacles.

III. Climax - A. Major Confrontation - 1. Peak of Tension - a. Protagonist faces the main challenge head-on. - b. Critical moments that will determine the story's direction.

• B. Tropes Convergence
  • 1. Tropes Integration
    • a. Tropes play a crucial role in the climax.
    • b. Convergence of various elements introduced earlier.

IV. Falling Action - A. Resolution of Conflict - 1. Consequences of Climax - a. Immediate aftermath of the major confrontation. - b. Impact on characters and the world.

• B. Character Reflection
  
  • 1. Protagonist's Reflection
    • a. Internal processing of events.
    • b. Insights gained and lessons learned.
• C. Tropes Impact
  
  • 1. Lasting Effects of Tropes
    • a. How tropes continue to influence the story's resolution.
    • b. Any lingering effects or unexpected outcomes.

V. Conclusion - A. Final Scenes - 1. Closing Moments - a. Final scenes wrapping up the narrative. - b. Resolutions for characters and lingering mysteries.

• B. Closing Thoughts
  • 1. Author's Reflection
    • a. Any concluding remarks or insights.
    • b. Leaving room for potential sequels or spin-offs.

This generic outline provides a structure that can be adapted to different genres and tropes while maintaining a coherent narrative flow. Adjustments can be made based on the specific elements and themes of the chosen combination.

Race Information

• Name: Vermont City Marathon
• Date: May 26, 2024
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Burlington, VT
• Website: https://www.runvermont.org/
• Age: 35M
• Time: 3:26:22

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	Sub-3:20	No
B	Sub-3:30	Yes
C	Finish	Yes

Splits

13.1 splits	Time
1	1:43:20
2	1:43:02

Ancient History

Growing up, I was always pretty active and started running in High School. Going into my Junior year, I began to take running much more seriously and made steady progress with a 5K PR of 17:06 at the State meet. Going into my Senior year, I had been training 6 days a week with the team and hitting 40-60 miles a week consistently with hopes of going low 16's by the end of the XC season. Then, disaster. Pain in my quads was getting worse and worse until a bone scan finally revealed bilateral femoral stress fractures - one midway along the midline of each femur. I was devastated, and completely stopped running from August until February. By then, it seemed like things were getting better and I was able to put in some good miles for the spring Track season. I was always a better mid-distance runner, and was able to snag a few PRs of 2:00 in the 800m (agony, 1s off) and 4:35 in the 1600m. By that point I was basically over running, completely burned out and sick of running.
10 years later...
I wake up one morning in April of 2017 to take a shower and realize that I have no temperature sensation in my right leg whatsoever. I'm now finishing grad school, I've moved across the country, first kid on the way and due in a matter of weeks. I'm not working out much at this point, maybe running every few months at best. Stress is high. I go to urgent care and the last 6 months of subtle pins and needles on the left side of my face and the occasional double vision start to make a lot more sense. Multiple Sclerosis. It's not a death sentence, but I felt like the world was ending. My kid was due in 4 weeks and now my future was completely uncertain. A month or two, an MRI and one spinal tap later and the diagnosis is confirmed.

Training

Fortunately, new medicines have made MS much more manageable and I was lucky to have a great medical team. Perhaps the most important thing to keep the disease in check beyond highly potent immunosuppressants is regular exercise. Time to start running again.
Starting out was rough, but within a few weeks I was able to feel ok running 15-20 miles a week in the 8-10 min/mile range. I keep that up consistently for a year or so and run my first 10K with a time of 44:42, which I was pretty proud of at the time. Things are going well for a while, second kid is on the way, my MS seems mostly stable, albeit leaving me with some permanent loss of function of my left leg (these gait issues will come up later), pins and needles in my right leg, and fatigue. Then COVID hits. Now I'm at home, with much more time. I increase my mileage a bit, now running 20-30 miles a week but not really following any particular plan or anything. Move across country, keep running when I can.
Mid-2023 I decided to finally take it up a level. I was mostly using the Garmin Daily Workouts at this point and running consistently 30 miles a week. I decided to run my first half-marathon, just as a virtual training run, and felt pretty good about my time with an 8:24/mi average pace. Going into fall, I juggled some illnesses but kept running. Unfortunately around November I started to develop Sesamoiditis and had to really limit my running to 35-40 miles per week. I ran a Christmas 5K with a time of 19:14, which felt pretty good, but was still dealing with the Sesamoid issue.
Over time, the Sesamoid started to resolve but I would occasionally feel some twinges in my right Adductor. Nevertheless, I felt like the time was now to try for my first Marathon. Around February, I finally committed and decided to do the Pfitz 12/55 plan. I had been consistently in the 35-40 range for a few months, so felt like I had a decent base. At first, I found the plan quite difficult to deal with. It was the most structured running I had done since high school, but after a while my schedule adapted and I was hitting all of the workouts. About halfway through, the Adductor issue started to really rear its ugly head. It seems like it's a combination of gait issues from my MS as well as compensating for the weakened Sesamoid. I attempted to strength train, but had to back off a bit.
At best, I was able to hit 53 miles a week, occasionally having to skip some workouts for cross-training or rest. I felt like I nailed the 20 mile runs pretty well and overall the LRs felt good. I ran one 5K as a kind of "tune-up" with a time of 19:21, pacing a friend, so putting in maybe 80-90% effort. Due to injuries and some travel I was never able to do one of the longer tune-up races. Unfortunately, the Adductor issue continued to wax and wane, finally flaring up badly about 3 weeks out from my target marathon. After a consultation with Ortho, I was told to stop running cold turkey for two weeks prior to the Marathon, and then a follow-up last Friday I was given the green light to try it ... cautiously ... but consider dropping out if it is too painful.

Pre-Race

My taper was compromised pretty heavily by the injury, so I was really feeling worried about how the race would go. That said, I knew that the training was done at this point, and so an extended rest shouldn't make TOO much of an impact if I feel ready. I carb-loaded three days out and tried to take on a lot of fluids. While my injury was feeling better, the next worry was the temperature. Forecast was saying low 60s for the start of the race, ramping up to the mid 70s by the time I expected to finish. We drove up to Burlington from the Boston area on Friday with the kids, and I likely did too much walking on Saturday but overall I was feeling ok and was fortunate to get a good amount of sleep Saturday night (7.5hrs).
I'm a scientist by training, so planning and preparation is second nature to me. I woke up at 4:45, had a cup of coffee, half a bagel, a banana, and a Maurten 160 drink. Because of the temperature, I decided to prepare two 500mL bottles of Tailwind, one that I would take with me and one that I would pickup from my wife at the Half point. I planned for 4 gels (Maurten@5mi, Gu@10mi, Maurten+Caf@15mi, Maurten@20) and to get a cup of water at every aid station each 2.5mi. I jogged down to the start at 6:15am, used the restroom probably 4 times, and lined up with the 3:30 group.

Race

My plan was to start out with the 3:30 pacer group and see how things go. The course is advertised as being flat and fast, but I'm not sure I believe that because there is a big hill you run up twice with 120ft of vert over about 1/2 mile and between 5-7% grade at times. The course is essentially two figure 8s, and you start in the middle. At 7:15am, we took off. The first few miles felt a bit stiff, but I was chatting it up with the pacers and feeling pretty relaxed. We were going a bit ahead of pace, clocking in at 7:50 per mile for the first 4-5 miles. Around the 10K mark, I was feeling a bit antsy and the pace was slowing down...I decided to head off alone, despite a lot of reservation that I was making a poor decision.
Around Mile 9, I was starting to feel a bit of tightness in my legs and my HR was in the high 160s. I was a little bit concerned about this early fatigue, but I knew from my training that I feel like this on almost every single run and it doesn't really seem to get worse, it just seems to be part of my mechanics or something. I kept pushing on, mile after mile, keeping my pace pretty consistently. Every aid station I got a cup of water, drank some and splashed the rest on my head. This made a HUGE difference in the end.
Mile 13, came in at the Half feeling great. Started up one of the hills and saw my wife. *Disaster* she had the wrong bottle. No carbs, no Tailwind for the 2nd half, and my current bottle was empty. At this point, I had also been taking my gels early. My stomach was feeling great so instead of a gel at every 5th mile I was taking one at every 4. The race provided gels at mile 8 and mile 21, so I had picked up an extra gel by this time and made the decision to stop at the next aid station around mile 15 and fill up my bottle with Gatorade. Salvation.
Kept chugging along, feeling a bit of fatigue setting in around the slog from mile 16-19. At mile 19, I saw my wife again and she had the correct bottle (it was my fault, she thought I meant for her to give me a larger, recovery bottle I had prepared of Skratch for after the race). I got my bottle of Tailwind and hit the monster hill at Mile 20. This was my slowest mile at 8:15 (GAP of 7:40) and it really sapped my strength. I was thinking that this must be like running Heartbreak Hill the entire time I was going up.
Through the hill, into the last 10K. Starting to feel desperate, just pushing forward every step of the way. The pacing in this marathon is quite strange, because it also has a Relay of either 2-person or 4-person teams, so you're always seeing different people with way fresher legs than you. Ended up finding a woman to run with who was crushing it, and we paced eachother the last 3-4 miles. Took a last gel around 24 miles and grinded it out to the end.

Berlin next... then Boston?

Post-race, I was feeling pretty happy with my 3:26 time. To be honest, I felt a little anti-climactic, although I'm not entirely sure why. I didn't feel a ton of adrenaline or emotion throughout the race and things seemed pretty collected. That said, I'm pretty surprised at how much I loved almost every minute of the race itself. Maybe it was just because it was my first time, but it was truly a fun and rewarding experience.
I think there were a few areas where I could have pushed just slightly harder, but given it was my first marathon on a somewhat challenging course in the heat I'm overall happy with my time. I absolutely nailed my hydration/fueling and my pacing, with a slightly negative split overall, so I'm really pleased with that. As a whole, I'd give my training cycle maybe a 6/10; I think I definitely raced too many of my training runs, likely leading to some of my injuries. I was also only able to go above 50mpw in 2 of the 12 weeks of the program.
Given my somewhat poor training cycle, I'm hoping that I still have a lot of room to improve. I was a bit worried that my MS would cause issues during the marathon, particularly my left leg, which tends to lose coordination in long, higher intensity efforts. Fortunately, it felt pretty good throughout.
Earlier in the year, I was lucky to get a spot for both Berlin and NYC. Given their proximity to each other, I'm going to try and defer NYC to next year. I've now been thinking through if I want to try and apply to Boston for 2025. Given my MS, I am technically eligible for an "adaptive" application, which has a cutoff time of 6:00. I feel in two minds about this, because on one hand I feel like I'm maybe taking a bit of the easy way out, when it might be possible for me to hit sub-3:05 some day. On the other hand, I don't know how many years I have left running so I'm thinking I might just seize the opportunity now and then try and qualify through the more "standard" way in the future. Curious on people's thoughts on this, and thanks for reading!
Made with a new race report generator created by herumph.

i spent another year dating someone i thought really loved me and would change their mind about wanting a relationship, but didn’t. instead, we had unprotected sex, went on dates multiple times a week, met each other’s parents and friends, celebrated birthdays, and looked at apartments for him. fwb essentially. my stomach starts flipping when i think about how in hindsight i was so aware and yet so willing because i wanted to do all those things with him. but obviously it was breaking me because if it were me, i’d be wanting to do those things with him. here’s the thing; he told me from the first two weeks of dating that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. i loved spending any time i could with him because i loved him. i trusted him really quickly because he liked me for who i was. when he pointed out silly things about me it felt loving and flirty. he wasn’t mad that i was shy, soft spoken, and…slightly awkward. corny? in an endearing way? those things made him want to be around me more.
suddenly though, every so often he would get irritated by me. okay, fair enough. i can be annoying but it got worse. i feel like its torture to have relationship type fights with someone you’re not committed to, it leaves way too much room for people to take it too far. he gave his reasons for wanting no attachments and i said okay, ill let it slide for now because of how much he liked me, and how much i liked him. he wanted to go out with me every few days…i’m thinking to myself, okay this man is telling me he loves me, wants to see me all the time, and treats me well…he’s definitely gonna want me in the future right? i’m screaming because that was literally not the case sksks. he was looking for experiences with someone. i just happened to be the first girl he matched with and the plans went through with when he moved. we hit it off and ran with it.
so i’m letting it slide for months and every so often he would drop something like, “that’s us in the future” while pointing at a young family and mind you i trust this person so i’m thinking i’m in the clear. well we went on a 3 day trip together and all hell was breaking loose every day?? suddenly me not being able to hear him over high winds is the end of the world. my ideas are insane. me having anxiety is annoying. my personality is annoying. and its like hold up???
and that was our last interaction besides him sending me photos from the trip with no text. now i feel cursed because he doesn’t want to be with me or like me a chunk of the time but he keeps texting me? but not really???
also this man told me its my fault for having relationships problems because i keep picking the wrong men subconsciously 😭😭😭?? (he ate lowkey) but then he said he’s gonna crash my wedding with another man 😭 idk if i should laugh or cry 😭😭😂😭😭😭 i swear i keep picking the sweetest most wholesome men and then they start hating on me and i’m like damn ☠️💔