Happy birthday to daughter poems

So I've been discussing with a trans coworker, and he's helped me on the right direction for T (im still sorting out a ton of medical condition diagnosis so I'm def going to hold off on T for awhile ) but i plan on starting it eventually, but i don't know how to bring it up to my mom at all.
Now issue is... I've already like come out? But I haven't?? I don't know. My moms accepting but in a way where its like "i believe people can be trans... But I don't really believe you are." But she also says she'll love me no matter what and i know she would never kick me out of anything like that for being trans she's a very accepting person
But then also i haven't formally asked her to use different name and pronouns? I just kind of have been like "i feel like a boy" "how would you feel if i used a different name?" But i genuinely do not know how to ask her.
I'm not even springing this on her since I've dressed masc for like as long as i could dress myself (more masc in the recent years since I've gotten over my sensory issues with jeans) and if my mom ever buys me clothes it's always masculine.
i wear a binder, that SHE paid for. though i think she just thinks its a bra?? It said "trans, ftm, binder" in the listing lol.
When i was a little kid, like 11 i think? I told her about how i wanted to be a boy and back then she mentioned that we could maybe look into testosterone but only after i turn 18, so i feel like she's probably open to the idea?
Also shes seen the "he/him" pin on my work hat and just read it and said "so you're a "he/him now??" And i kinda just awkwardly sat there and it never came up again.
She also reallyyyyyy wanted daughters and was so happy to get 2 girls, so i dont know how to be like "haha so about that 2 daughters thing ..."
Tldr, I'm like out of the closet but not out of the closet?? Help?? (Please if anyones experienced this please lmk what you did 😭😭 this is perpetual awkwardness)

(Heads up, this is a long one as the background is a lot.)
I (22 F) was invited to my friend's baby shower. For fear and to protect myself due to past trauma, let's name her H. H was my friend since middle school. In high school, she dated G and now they are married and are expecting a baby.
Here's some background info. Before H and G started dating, H, our friends, and I found G and his group of friends annoying. All through high school, G and his group kept making fun of me and annoying me just because they had tried to set me up with one of G's friends, who I kept rejecting. (As a 1st gen, my family had me involved in school and I did after-school activities so I could get into good colleges in the future. I focused on school, and I didn't have much time for friends, much less for a guy. I also didn't want a relationship due to a past event.) Well, even after G's friend took the hit, his group wouldn’t leave me alone. My family is fairly known, so everyone knew where we lived. G's group would annoy me at school, which included classes we might’ve had in common, being in the same building, finding me before or after school, and would even drive by my home yelling "That's my girlfriend" at the top of their lungs. H was part of my friend group and she agreed that the guys were being childish and our friend group basically called it harassment. Many times, G's group actually got me in trouble with my parents. My parents would believe them if the group yelled outside the house. The group also called me out on social media once and when I stood up for myself, my family told me to delete what I had commented as they didn't want their perfect girl to be involved in drama. (In my opinion, I don’t think my parents wanted their friends to see the colorful language I used.)
Sometime later, H tells our group that she started dating G. They had ups and downs in the relationship. G cheated, he wasn't winning over H's family and wouldn't put her first in some situations. While they were dating, G and his group kept messing with me. When a friend and I planned lunches with H, the plans would automatically involve G last minute, to which my friend and I decided to stay on campus rather than to go with the "happy couple." My friends and I were convinced we would lose H eventually, which little by little, we did. She tried to convince us that G was changing and was trying to change to win over her parents. According to H, G even started staying after school to talk to teachers to get his grades up. None of us actually believed it as the teasing still continued.
Well, since graduation, I haven't spoken to H, or even texted. You know how it is, you go to college, friends grow distant, and because of assignments, there's rarely any time to hang out with anyone. Before H was married, my family and I would invite her to parties. Now this is where this rule might be an A-Hole move. A rule my family follows is that if you’re invited to an event, but don't show up, you are no longer invited to any other events. I always hated this rule because sometimes things happen. The thing is, with H, she always confirms she'll show up, but never does. I didn't invite her anymore after she didn't show up to any event in 2 years as I began to think I lost a friend as with many others. Well, my mother has actually continued to invite H, even after she was married. H continues with the same routine, confirms but doesn't show. I've told the friends I've made through work and college that I fear that one day H might actually show up to an event with her husband and that the same thing as high school might happen again. My friends tell me that since they actually show up, if anything happens, they'll be there to support me as they know I've changed and see I've become more of a bad b. They say that I shouldn't worry because I'm no longer that shy girl, and that I'm no longer defenseless. My friends have also accompanied me on my healing journey as they know I’ve been going to counseling to get over all this trauma as well as other past events.
Now, for the invite. I'll be honest, I didn't know H was married until she changed her status on social media. Yes, we still follow each other. I didn't think she would’ve ended up with G after everything that happened in their relationship. Months later, maternity pictures were on her page. Sometime later, I got an invite to the baby shower. Now, I know baby shower rules run differently. In Hispanic families, 99% of the time, men are welcome to celebrate as well and it’s not women only. With this, I discussed with my family that I don't want to go because H will have her husband there and G still has his group of friends from what other friends have told me. My mother and sister called me selfish for not going to the party and still living in the past. I told them I understood their point of view, but I told them I didn't want to go to a party where I'd feel uncomfortable. My sister started saying that I was H's friend and that I should be there for her. I then asked her that question about H, stating "Okay then when has she been here for me? She hasn't been to a party or gathering in years when this is the first time she invites me." My sister became silent and went to her room. Later that night, my mom and sister tried to talk to me again. I said no. I told them they could go without me. To make things worse, my family still paints me as the villain. They know I went to counseling, but stopped due to school and work hours. They knew I was basically bullied and harassed at school, and with college and work, I’m also sleep deprived and my health has become a difficult situation in these last few years. My family told me to go as I would want H to show up for me. But here's the thing, she hasn't shown up for me at all. Any question my family tried to throw at me, I threw it back as if they were asking H about me. (Let’s say dinner was silent that night.)
I spoke to my friends and told them everything that had been going on. They agreed that I shouldn't go as they know I'm not ready to see H or G. They told me that if I was going to be uncomfortable, I shouldn't go. Since they knew about my mental journey, they reminded me that my counselor told me to take things slowly. They said that if I decide to go, to contact our group, and that some of them will accompany me to the baby shower to make sure I stay safe. I thanked them for that and I told them I would update them if anything happened. I asked my grandmother as I wanted the point of view of someone with more life experience. Even she told me not to go and let my mother and sister go alone. She told me that if I'm uncomfortable, she sees no point in siding with her daughter (my mom) when she'd rather protect me, her granddaughter. I did tell her my friends’ plan. She liked it. My grandmother also knows that because of this situation, my blood pressure might get high again. She told me that if I go with my friends, to take my medication and to tell my friends where I’ll have it in case things go wrong, as she fears I might get a panic attack (I’ve only had one) and she trusts my friends as she’s met them (before my parents). (I don’t take my medication every day as it makes me sleepy, tired, or dizzy. I also don’t take it if there’s a party so I can drink alcohol if I choose to.)
I know that some might think I'm punishing my friend for something she technically had no control over as people marry who they want and she wasn’t part of the bullying, but I don't want to be at the baby shower and risk getting made fun off again by her husband and his friends. I also find baby showers boring. Some might think that I’m holding on to a grudge, but this harassment causes fear as I had also been through worse bullying experiences when I was a child. (I was bullied from 5th grade for being small, all through middle school for being small, people thinking I had money (when I didn’t), having a rolling backpack due to back problems, and then harassed by G’s group in high school.) I don’t know what to do as my mother and sister are still pressuring me. My friends have considered taking me out on the day of the baby shower. They know my family wants me to go out with friends more, so my friends plan on telling my family that it’s a “graduation celebration” before the actual graduation party scheduled a week later since some “won’t make it” ha ha. My friends are truly amazing! I am willing to accept judgment, but I need insight. AITA for not going to the baby shower?
PS: Will probably give an update after the baby shower date. I don’t use my computer much since it’s partially broken.

So, this is quite literally my first reddit post (longtime lurker), but I don't have many mom friends. And when you can't afford therapy, turn to reddit, right?
My lo just turned one (4 days ago). My birth experience was really wonderful (unmedicated at a birth center), my lo is one of the coolest people I've ever met, and in general life is great. Love my work, family lives nearby, sweet little house in a sweet little town, and a generally happy family life.
THAT SAID, my husband has comordity of ADHD, Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, & Bipolar II. Typing that out, I realize, he could be doing so. much. worse. He really does try so hard, is medicated, & has a counselor. He even wears these dumb orange glasses at night & light therapy glasses when he wakes up.
Still, I've been the one to wake up every day for the past year with our daughter, when I ask him to chill with her for a while so I can shower, nap, breathe, etc, he does so but gets distracted or hyper focused on something online & she ends up just wandering back to me (anyone else a pro at shower peekaboo?).
I never really planned on having super traditional roles at home, but in large part due to his above mentioned difficulties, I end up doing pretty much all of the cooking, cleaning, & baby watching. When I ask him to do stuff around the house, he does try, but he just gets so distracted/hyper focused on something else that it takes him soooo long to do anything (very common with adhd). Most of the time, I've just ended up powering through & I end up doing a lot of stuff one handed or with my lil duckling in tow.
But 1. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Please God help I'm tired. 2. I don't want our lo & potential future lo's to only see mom doing housework. 3. I want to workout. I want to take more than three showers a week. I want to read more than two books in a year. I want to sit outside in our hammock in silence for more than five minutes.
I'm on 50mg Zoloft, which has helped my mental state a lot, but obviously also, hydration, movement, nourishing food, & of course sleep would go so far.
I guess I'm mostly looking for encouragement that this too shall pass? That we'll continue to find our groove? Anyone else have a partner with the same comorbidities?
And I have shared how I feel about this with my husband & will continue to try to do so! It's just so difficult for him (I pinky swear he's not faking; if anyone else has a partner with these comorbidities, I bet you get it!).
TLDR One year postpartum, dealing with a partner who has adhd, dsps, & bipolar ii. And I'm so tired.

Hi everyone! To get right into things, I am amab and hope to start hrt sometime soon with the goal (at least right now) of living on the fem side of androgynous. One thing that has crossed my mind that I haven't been able to find a satisfying answer to is how do people navigate coming out to family members they see only a couple times a year or even less frequently than that? This is a big concern for me because I have a large extended family on both my mom and dad's side so there are like multiple dozens of people I only talk to around the holidays or on birthdays. I think almost all of them would be accepting, but understandably it would be quite the shock if the bearded, deep voiced young man you saw last year suddenly had boobs and hips and a feminine voice (ok side note: typing that last sentence made me so happy). There would also obviously be a lot of questions from a lot of people about a lot of things. Have any of you dealt with a similar situation and/or have any helpful advice for how to navigate something like this?

My sisters and parents are really the only people who talk to me. Nobody wishes me happy birthday. I’m so tired. I just want ONE good friend in my life. I feel worthless. I want to find meaningful connections but I think it’s too late.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Ok-Firefighter602 posting in AmItheAsshole and his user account
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 29th April 2023
Update - 22nd May 2023
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AITA for breaking a promise and attending my stepdaughter's graduation?
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I’ll start by explaining some backstory. I (54M) lost my first wife when my son (25M) and daughter (22F) were ages 9 and 12, Both my kids took it as hard as you would expect and to this day have a poor relationship with both my current wife "Doreen (49F)" and my stepdaughter "Amy (18F)". I started dating Doreen about 4 months after my first wife passed, as such my kids believe I cheated on their mom. Amy was 5 when we got together and as such I see her as my own daughter.
On to the actual story, 4 years ago, two days before Kay's high school graduation, Amy got very ill while visiting her grandparents and ended up needing emergency surgery. My wife and I rushed to be with Amy and admittedly I did not communicate well with Kay. At the time Kay didn't pick up my calls, so I left her a voicemail and several text messages explaining what happened and telling Kay I was sorry but I would make it up to her. A few hours go by and I get a call from Kay, she is in hysterics telling me what a terrible father I am and stated that if I did not attend her graduation I would be dead to her. I chose to support Amy.
True to her words, Kay did not contact me on the day of her graduation. And when came home Kay's things had been moved out of the house with a note explaining that we were no longer family and to never contact her again.
Luckily Kay and I were able to reconcile, however, I promised her I would give her absolutely anything in the world to make her forgive me. She said that she would forgive me as long as I refused to attend Amy's graduation as this was the only way to make it fair. I agreed at the time thinking she was just joking or angry and would soon forget.
This leads me to now. Invitations for Amy's graduation went out, and despite all the hostility Amy wanted to make sure Kay got one. Kay called Amy later that day and said she would be unable to attend as she and I would be spending the day together per our agreement. Amy broke down into tears asking me why I was missing her graduation, I assured her I was not and that I would speak to Kay. Later I explained to Kay that I simply could not miss Amy's graduation. Kay launched into a tirade about how I was a liar and an asshole and how could I do this to her again. I told her that we would talk when she calmed down and she said we would never talk again.
My son, and several of our extended family have all taken Kay's side saying I didn't see how hurt she was at graduation. My wife believes I am the asshole for even promising that in the first place as I should have known it would only upset one or both girls. And Amy is just sad and confused wondering why Kay hates her. I know keeping my promise and not attending Amy's graduation is probably the only way to salvage my relationship with Kay, but no matter how I look at it I would feel like I'm punishing Amy for having a medical issue, so am I the asshole?
EDIT to add some relevant info.
I NEVER cheated on my first wife. your accusations are honestly tiring and disgusting.
Amy's Bio father was never in her life. I am NOT Amy's Biological father, that wasn't ever even in question as we are not the same race.
Amy had appendicitis, she was staying over 4 hours away at her grandparent's house. at the time that we left the only info Doreen's mother would give us was she passed out and wouldn't wake up.
My daughter was moved out of our house for about a month and a half after which we made up and she returned to live with us for another 2 years before going away to school.
I did not believe Kay when she said she wanted me to miss Amy's graduation as it seemed like a ridiculous request. despite what you all may believe our relationship was fine after this event we were in near-daily contact and she would frequently visit us.
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Comments
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Angry-trans
YTA And have been for years. You are a bad father. Kay is correct. You are a liar. You've done nothing to prioritize Kay ever since your new family rolled in. Your relationship with your daughter is dead and the blood is on your hands.
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calliatom
Seriously though... you never should have promised Kay that, knowing full well that you had no intention of keeping your word. And now you're being a bad father to Amy too, by trying to use her tears and guilt to dig yourself out of the grave you dug yourself with Kay.
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CryptographerSuch753
Seems like all op cared about was getting his way in the moment. Seems like that may be a pattern
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victoria12345678909
YTA - you replaced your kids mom with a new family 4 months after she died! Your kids lost their mom so young and you don’t seem like you prioritized their feelings or helped them deal with things, instead you moved on fast. Kay didn’t have a mother to attend her graduation and she needed you there. Could you not have driven to the grad then back to the hospital?
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LadyDerri
Ten to One that Amy is his daughter. That's why he favors her.
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Comments from OOP

Amy ended up having to get an emergency appendectomy, but at the time was visiting her Grandparents about a 4 hour drive from where we lived. Her grandmother didn't give us too much relevant information before we left, just that she had passed out and wouldn't wake up. On the way there we didn't know her condition or anything because her grandmother is a non-native English speaker and didn't understand a lot of the medical terms. once we got there and signed off on the surgery she ended up needing an additional 2 days in the hospital and wanted both of us by her side. During this time I repeatedly called and texted both my mother and son who were planning to attend the ceremony. I had every intention of calling/ video calling so that I could still support her, but she told everyone she didn't want me to be a part of it.

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I didn't immediately move in Doreen and Amy once we started dating, we dated for over 2 years before we moved in together. My wife's death was not a sudden thing she battled cancer on and off for years before she passed. My children already knew/ were comfortable with Doreen as she was my late wife's best friend so I thought they would enjoy having her around more. I offered both children grief counseling, my son took me up on it, and I took Kay to a few sessions but she would kick/ scream/ cry every time I took her finally the counselor decided that forcing her before she was ready would only worsen her grief. I offered her therapy many times over the years, but she never took me up on it.

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first of all, I knew Doreen for years before I even met my late wife, in fact, Doreen introduced us. I thought my kids would like having Doreen around as before my wife passed they loved her like an aunt. I did not move her in or make her a permanent part of our daily lives until over 2 years into our relationship. four months after my wife passed we agreed to explore our romantic feelings I explained what was going on in age-appropriate terms so they wouldn't be blindsided if they caught their dad kissing their "aunt".

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**Judgement - YTA*\*
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Update - 1 month later
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I wasn't sure if I wanted to post an update after the reaction I got last time, I can stomach death threats against myself but directing such hatred toward my children was truly disturbing. But the graduation has come and gone and I thought I should share how it all went down. I'm sure most of you will be displeased.
Amy was mad at me for a few days, but we have a strong bond and she quickly got over it. The saint that she is said she would understand if I wanted to miss it to make it up to Kay. I told her I wouldn't do that to her and reassured her that she has done nothing wrong.
As for the elephant in the room, Kay, she and my son live in the same city and work in the same field so they're as close as ever. My son and his partner were giving her a lot of emotional support at this time. In the end, she decided not to attend Amy's graduation but sent flowers and a card with my son. There were a lot of nasty messages directed toward her, which I feel is completely unacceptable. She isn't mean or vindictive. She is a smart, very kind, very empathetic woman. She made a bizarre ultimatum as a confused and hurt teenager I certainly don't think that makes her a bad person.
I know all of you seem to think I hate my children, but the amount of pain I feel at the deterioration of my relationship with my daughter is unexplainable, I've been on and off anti-depressants since the death of my wife and at my therapist's suggestion will be going back on them. it's taking all of my willpower not to reach out to her again, but I've already disrespected her wishes enough. She can choose to reach out to me when and if she ever wants to again and I'll be waiting.
I know it's not the most impactful update and I'm sure most of you wanted to see me left miserable and alone, but I don't live my life for anyone else's entertainment. I can accept that I'm the asshole, maybe I'm an asshole in general, but I'm not some evil monster that you all want me to be. I'm a man that made the mistake of sharing his problems with the internet a mistake I won't be making again. I probably won't delete this account, but I'm not gonna be updating in the future. goodbye.
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Comments
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YogurtclosetWeird789
Look OP I get that you're human, just a man.
But you can't get away with the I made mistakes because you make the same ones over and over again.
I don't understand trolls and stupid people with the death threats or nasty messages about your kids it's wrong and disgusting.
The only issue here is YOU! The fact that claim to love Kay and how it is breaking your heart that she wants nothing to do with you is your own fault, every 'mistake' you made and repeated always seems to be against her. I don't actually think you care about Kay all that much as you still have Amy.
Now you've decided oh well I've fucked up again and made so many mistakes I'll just leave her alone and not confront the fact you failed her as a supportive father. OWN IT, Change your damn ways.
Believe me, you're not the worst dad out there. but you are a shitty one to Kay.
When will you wake up and realise without the self-pity that YOU have to be the one to make amends. Why on earth would she contact you?
Do you not care that one day she will get married and you won't be invited to the wedding or even to walk her down the aisle? When she has her first child and you find out through the grapevine instead of being a Grandpa?
Maybe one day she will forgive you, but not if your solution is to just give her space! seems to me she had a lot of space from you already. All she wanted was your time and sole attention for a bit, and you've never been able to give her that. I feel for both your son and daughter because it seems you have a favourite and you don't care as long as Amy is ok.
Let me guess and say your wife thinks it's best to give her the space? Amy may be a nice girl but I bet your wife has encouraged your behaviour.
It's honestly sad.
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OOP: I'm giving Kay space because that's what she said she wants, I can't do anything other than that. No matter what I'm gonna still be there for her any way I can, but for the time being, I'm not going to pester her or beg for forgiveness because that's not what she wants. I HAVE made mistakes and at the top of that list is not listening to my children when they tell me exactly what they need from me.

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AAP_BH
Even in this follow up post the way you speak about Kay, the disgust you feel for her oozes out. You claim so many people spoke badly of her in your previous post but those comments were minimal compared to the people that spoke badly of YOU, YOUR WIFE AND SAINT AMY but you don’t mention that, you still want Kay to be the “bad” daughter. Saying her request was “sad and bizarre” no it wasn’t.
It’s so convenient that this is when all of a sudden you realize you need to and will listen to Kay, not when she was begging you to choose her for once since your dear saint Amy came into your life. All you had to do was not go to a High School graduation and you couldn’t even do that.
You’re a horrible father to Kay and you will continue to be one. The fact that you still made the decision to put Amy over your freaking daughter is so sad, the fact that you cared so much more over Amy being upset over letting Kay down again says a lot. Leave Kay alone, don’t ever contact her again unless it’s to say flat out to her face that you are stepping down as a father since you know you will never be able to giver her the love and attention you give your true daughter Amy, that Amy will always come first. I had peritonitis, I was in the hospital (at 8yrs old) for almost a year on and off and my mom would leave to work , she was a single mother, and I was fine. Amy was a teenager, had A MOTHER AND GRANDPARENTS, she had appendicitis a common procedure, 2 freaking days before your daughters graduation and you couldn’t leave just for a day bc “Amy wanted me by her side”. My heart aches for Kay, knowing she is pretty much an orphan. Ughh parents like you I don’t freaking understand, you should’ve given up your rights as a father the moment you decided that your new family was more important than your children. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much hate for a stranger on Reddit.
ETA— by the way you sad excuse of a man, you didn’t make a mistake you made various CHOICES and DECISIONS to deliberately hurt your daughter. You DECIDED TO PUT AMY FIRST. You’re no victim, the only victim here is your ex daughter, Kay and probably her brother as well
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Soft_Consequence2262
Oh Amy the Saint.... I got the same vibes. The Father is trying to paint Kay as the bad person that he needs to defend. Yet, can't go past without a shout out to how AMAZING Amy is... actually gives me the creeps. Feels like he has some weird obsession with her perfection.
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[deleted]
Yeah the Amy the Saint really rubbed me the wrong way. It’s sad that despite everything, OP is still so delusional. I wish Kay a life of happiness, even if it means she would go NC with OP for life.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

My name is Emily. I'm from the United States and I wanted to end my 20's with a bang, and I'm happy to say that I ended my 20's in Korea.Actually, Korea was not a country that I had much to do with.Originally, I was a person who was immersed in Japanese culture since college.Japanese anime became my friend. There's a lot of interesting things about Japanese anime, like the fact that they depict real places in Japan, and they depict real food, and so I fell in love with Japan, and I even traveled to Japan a couple times, and I thought that Japan was the sum of everything that I longed for.
But then, in my late 20s, I met a friend who would change my life. It was a simple meeting with a long-lost college classmate, Sarah, who had gone on to work at a large firm in New York City, and whom I had shared anime and Japanese food with in my dorm room in college. She told me honestly that she had recently traveled to Korea and was seriously thinking about moving there. Unfortunately, the large company she worked for in New York had recently gone through a business crisis, and she was laid off.
She said that she was confused by the sudden betrayal of a well-known company, and to clear her mind, she went to the airport with the intention of leaving anywhere. She thought she would go to Japan, but when she arrived at the airport, she changed her mind. When she thought back to the places and restaurants she frequented most often while working at the company in New York, she remembered that she often went to Korean streets and Korean supermarkets in New York, and she thought that going to Korea on an impromptu trip was a really good idea, so she chose to go to Korea rather than Japan, which she already knew.
And buying a plane ticket on the spot at the airport was more than twice as expensive as booking a ticket in advance, but Sarah said that she didn't care, because she was depressed after being fired from her job, and she went to the airport to leave, but the curiosity about Korea that came over her made her want to leave right away, even if she had to pay for the expensive plane ticket.
He expressed that although he went to the airport courageously, he knew that the plane ticket would be too expensive, and he thought that maybe he should just go back home again, but his curiosity about Korea came from somewhere deep inside him, and it exploded like a bomb, and he was naturally drawn to it.
Sarah, who likes emotional things like essays and poems in college and enjoys such poetic expressions, but even so, I wondered if it was a little overdone, but when she said that she had been to Korea, I became more focused on her story.
However, I was able to understand why she expressed herself in such an over-the-top way after listening to her Korean stories.
"Korea is an amazing place, the people are so kind and warm, and most of all, the employment system is very well organized. There are many programs and support for job seekers, which is very helpful for people who are in a difficult situation like me."
When Sarah started with this story, I realized that she was really traumatized by being laid off.Now, she had been through a big ordeal and was in the process of recovering from it through Korea, so I decided to focus more on her story."You said you traveled to Korea, so what else did you do?" I asked."For example, what kind of programs were there?" I asked her.
"I happened to visit a job fair in Korea," she said, "where job seekers can get free career counseling and get the training they need." "I got a lot of help there, and it gave me the strength to get back on my feet, and maybe even get a job in Korea." "And most of all, the work culture in Korea is really family-like," she said, "I was impressed by how much my coworkers cared about each other and supported each other."
Sarah said that she was curious about what Korea was like, so she visited a large convention center in Korea and participated in various fairs, one of which was a job fair, and she interviewed with several Korean companies, and the Korean companies were ready to accept her as a colleague if she applied as an American. I also learned that Korea has many companies with global reach, and they are open to foreigners with various experiences, but in Korea, unless it is a large company, people don't prefer them, so if it is a small company, they want foreigners, but there is a sad reality that no one applies.
Unlike in the U.S., where you have to report your performance every week, and if you fall short, you are threatened with termination, Korean companies are definitely not more performance-oriented than in the U.S. They value their employees and do everything together to grow together, not threaten them with termination. In the past, I knew that corporate culture in Asian countries such as Korea was more collectivistic than individualistic, and as a student, I thought that such a collectivistic culture was a bad culture with a high level of disease in Asia, but after experiencing social life in the United States, I heard that the tendency of companies to be extremely individualistic, talking about job insecurity, and treating people ruthlessly, caused me to be fired from a good job overnight, and the future plans I had planned in advance became uncertain, and I even talked about envying the Korean culture that does not have such disadvantages.
Sarah, who has never worked in Korea, but was always afraid of being fired, said that she learned a lot about Korean corporate culture by interviewing many Korean company officials.
She said that she even considered settling down and living in Korea because, besides the culture, there were so many other conveniences and benefits.
She talked about her experience of working in New York, being left alone in the office to get things done because of her performance, having to leave late at night and being afraid to go home, sleeping in the hotel next door, and having to live with the exorbitant rent in Manhattan and the two-hour round-trip commute to work, and how she realized that unlike in the U.S., where it is difficult to see a doctor, she would not have to worry about these things in Korea.
Sarah's story made me even more curious about Korea.The warmth, systematic system, and various charms that she experienced in Korea couldn't help but have a great impact on me.I've been experiencing a lot of stress every day due to the pressure of performance and the threat of being fired, and I've recently been undergoing expensive psychotherapy.I decided to learn more about Korea, and eventually decided to travel to Korea.
Of course, I didn't travel to Korea with the intention of moving to Korea or settling down in Korea, but rather to spend my last 20s in a new country, Korea, and to see a different world than the familiar Japan.
I made my preparations and headed to Korea sooner than I expected, arriving ten days before my birthday and extending my itinerary beyond what I had originally planned, staying in Korea until after my birthday and then flying back to the United States.
The first day I finally arrived in Korea, I started walking around the streets of Seoul.The first thing that greeted me was the warm spring weather in Korea.The sky was clear and the air was crisp.I was told that it is common for Asia to have very bad air quality in the spring due to the influence of China, but I didn't have to deal with that during my trip.
The streets of Korea are very different from the United States, and everything was new to me.There were many beautiful flowers in bloom, and the well-maintained trees were really beautiful.It has been a long time since the common people's neighborhoods in the United States have such beautiful landscaping because of people who destroy these trees and flowers for no reason, or secretly take them and sell them.But this was not the case in Korea.The streets were like a beautiful flower garden.
I was walking down a beautiful street lined with flowers, and I was looking at them, looking at the big big map that was displayed on the screen at the bus stop.I was just curious to see what my neighborhood looked like, so I was looking at the map and taking my time, and a middle-aged woman came up to me and said, "Where are you looking for?" She didn't speak fluent English, but I was so grateful that she was trying to help. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I was just looking at the map, so I told her one of the destinations I was planning to go to, and she gave me direct directions to the place I was looking for, and I was able to get there without any difficulty.This unexpected kindness opened my eyes to the Korean people and warmed my heart at the same time.
I was ready to accept everything in Korea with an open mind.The first impression was very good, I was touched by the kindness of the people.I couldn't ask for anything more from Korea.The food was so fresh and amazing to me.I visited Gwangjang Market, a famous traditional market in Korea.
Unlike a regular restaurant, it was a place where you could sit down and try a variety of food. As a traditional market, it was full of Korean food. There were no pizza, pasta, or burger joints, but I liked it better that way. It was a place where you could see the traditional look and feel curious about everything.
I also tasted foods such as tteokbokki sundae and hotteok.Everything else was fine, but I was a little worried when I first tried sundae because it looked so strange and a little gross, but I decided to give it a try and the moment I put it in my mouth, the rich flavor filled my mouth.Korean food often seems difficult to eat, but when you try it, you can see why it is so popular in Korea.
I stayed at Gwangjang Market for a long time and tried a lot of different foods, especially kimchi and pajeon, which I still remember because of their crispy texture and spicy flavor. I would recommend them to everyone.Experiencing the deep flavors of Korean food firsthand made me fall in love with Korean food.
And then there was a shocking thing that happened to me in Korea.I was having a lot of fun traveling around Korea and everything was interesting, because Korea is really the best place to be, you know, you're running around, you're busy, you're going from place to place, and I had the misfortune of losing my passport, which was really stupid.
I was traveling in Korea, and I got an international call. Someone was calling me from Korea, and when I saw the international call indicator on my phone and realized that the call was from Korea, I had a million questions.
I thought I shouldn't answer the call, but then I realized that it was an international call, and I thought maybe they were calling me because they had some business to take care of. I answered the call, and I was told a really crazy story, because I heard a calm English voice asking if it was Emily, and she introduced herself as a police officer and asked if I could come to the nearest police station.
I thought I had done something terribly wrong, because I had just eaten delicious tteokbokki and sundae, kimchi and pajeon, and I was so happy to eat them, and afterward I was just walking around the streets of Korea, smelling the flowers and seeing the pretty trees.
I started to check my belongings one by one and realized that my small pouch containing my passport and some of the money I had exchanged was missing.
I quickly headed to the police station, which was where I was told to go, and from the front gate, I was controlled as to what I was visiting.
The great thing about Korea is that even for someone like me who doesn't speak Korean, it's not difficult to navigate these government offices. Not all Koreans speak English, but at least the ones I've met have been able to communicate with me in a simple way. Even if they don't speak perfect sentences, they understand most of the words, so I was able to communicate the reason for my visit to the police station.
I had never been to a police station before, even in the U.S., but here I was in Korea, and I was greeted by friendly people.The pouch with my passport in it had my contact information written on the inside, and they said they would contact me with that.The bag was found in a marketplace, and the first person to report it was the stall owner of the place where I had my first sundae.It also had all of my clean, new Korean money in it, which I had exchanged separately.
I was so impressed with how conscientious Koreans are and how good they are that I was able to find the pouch, sign the paperwork, and walk out of the police station.
I went back to Gwangjang Market, and when I got there, the owner recognized me and looked like he was about to say something. I held out the bag and showed it to him, and he smiled and liked it.
I thanked the Korean boss, and we ate another snack on the spot. It was an experience that made me realize how heavenly Korea is.
And like Sarah said, I didn't just want to see how clean and pretty Korea is, I wanted to see what an American working in Korea could do and what life would be like.Through the Reddit community, I was able to get in touch with Americans working in Korea and even met some of them in person.
David, the American I met, works for a company that is not a large Korean company, but rather a small or medium-sized company. As Sarah said, Korea is a country where products are produced for the global market, and many things are actually exported overseas.
However, in Korea, unless it is a large company, every company is experiencing a job shortage, and because of the atmosphere in Korea, where foreigners are not welcome at all, it is not difficult to get a job in a company that specializes in exporting overseas, even if you are in the United States.
And David told me that he put all his passion into the first company he worked for in the U.S., and even made a lot of money for the company, but when he didn't perform, the company fired him without mercy, and he said that he was so shocked, not to mention the feeling of betrayal, that he took depression medication at that time, and it was so hard that he took depression medication, and then he found Korea by chance and settled in Korea, and now he is so happy. He told me that he was fired from his job because of the unrelenting treatment in the U.S., that he found a second chance in Korea, and that he is happy with his life here.
I'm not sure I have the courage to move to Korea right now, but I learned that there are a lot of people like Sarah and David who have been hurt so badly that they end up leaving the country. I'm scared that this could be my future, but I also learned that Korea is an option for me if it happens to me.My trip ended like this: experiencing the culture, food, and hospitality of Korea, and getting to meet and talk to Americans living in Korea, made my trip much more rewarding than my trip to Japan, which could have been an anime trip.
Korea has given me new perspectives and experiences, shattered my notion that Japan is only good, broadened my horizons, and opened my eyes to another gem that is Korea.
I now like to say to my friends, "Go to Korea, you'll see how good it is." Korea has taught me so much, and I will cherish my experience in Korea, which now holds a special place in my heart.
If Sarah goes to Korea and settles down, I will be there to congratulate her and support her in her new relationship in Korea.

For whatever reason I wasn’t available to join my family for dinner tonight. But I heard my daughter saying to the rest:

• Hey! Father’s Day is one month away, what are we going to buy dad?
• Nothing, why? We never buy a present for him.

The last gift I received was a birthday cake that I picked up at the store myself in the last minute, so my kids could sing happy birthday to me last year.
11 Days without sex

My husband Russel is not close with his family (parents and siblings) at all. Practically no contact, but he wishes them happy birthday and sends holiday greetings. We see them maybe 2 times a year.
His parents have tried reconciling and fixing their relationship, but Russel has been cold and distant. I've been on his side through all this since his parents were genuinely bad parents to him growing up, and even if they apologize, he doesn't owe them forgiveness.
Anyway, we found out I was pregnant with our first girl 2 months ago. We're really excited and have now just announced the pregnancy online (Russel is a private person and doesn't like having most of our life on social media, which I'm fine with and respect).
Of course, everyone is excited and congratulated us, his family included.
Onto the whole thing, I got a message from his dad asking if I was willing to join a Zoom call since they wanted to talk about something serious. I asked if this could wait until Russel came back from work, and he panicked a little bit and just begged me to join.
I joined the call. It was his dad, MIL, his brothers Mike and his wife Sylvia, and Travis and his sister Mary. I asked what was up, and my MIL started asking how I was doing, jumping around the bush. I asked her to please get to the point.
His dad spoke up, asking if Russel had given any thought to how their relationship would be with my daughter. I told him I think he knows the answer, and I said we would visit maybe on holidays, but they can't be promised a really close relationship with her or any of our future kids, like other kids have with their grandparents. His mom started tearing up and asked me if I was fine with depriving my kids of a family. I told her no, but I'm not willing to go against my husband for them.
There was a lot more, and I'll elaborate if needed, but it ended with his sister begging me to at least talk to Russel. I ended up telling them that it's not my job to fix their relationship - they ruined it, and they can fix it.
She called me an ass and said something about not wanting to help fix their relationship because I myself am NC with my whole family. It did sting, and her brother told her to shut up. I ended the call, not wanting to stress myself more.
They've been messaging and calling non-stop. I can't reach Russel right now, as he's back at his base. I just needed outside opinions. AITA?

My daughter (5) is boasting with confidence enthusiasm and heart. She makes friends easily and moves on quickly from issues. Most of the year she has referred a group of boys and girls that she’s friendly with at school but it’s obvious she’s not ‘in’ the group. That has shifted recently.
She describes almost being their gopher or messenger. Telling other kids to leave the group alone but she’s not in the group! She told me today that the leader “Henry” said hi to her today and she was so happy. I asked if Henry usually said hi to her and she said no. He would pretend like he didn’t hear her. I asked if that made her feel good and she said it makes her happy when Henry is happy??? She said she understood why I would think it would make her sad but not to worry because she is strong and cares about him even if he cares about other friends more.
I’m at a loss. I know she is just 5 and this is playground stuff but I would like to be able to talk to her about the values of good friendships and what to look for. She’s clearly getting some sort of validation from this exchange and would hate for that to influence her idea of relationships, at this early age.

My husband Russel is not close with his family (parents and siblings) at all. Practically no contact, but he wishes them happy birthday and sends holiday greetings. We see them maybe 2 times a year.
His parents have tried reconciling and fixing their relationship, but Russel has been cold and distant. I've been on his side through all this since his parents were genuinely bad parents to him growing up, and even if they apologize, he doesn't owe them forgiveness.
Anyway, we found out I was pregnant with our first girl 2 months ago. We're really excited and have now just announced the pregnancy online (Russel is a private person and doesn't like having most of our life on social media, which I'm fine with and respect).
Of course, everyone is excited and congratulated us, his family included.
Onto the whole thing, I got a message from his dad asking if I was willing to join a Zoom call since they wanted to talk about something serious. I asked if this could wait until Russel came back from work, and he panicked a little bit and just begged me to join.
I joined the call. It was his dad, MIL, his brothers Mike and his wife Sylvia, and Travis and his sister Mary. I asked what was up, and my MIL started asking how I was doing, jumping around the bush. I asked her to please get to the point.
His dad spoke up, asking if Russel had given any thought to how their relationship would be with my daughter. I told him I think he knows the answer, and I said we would visit maybe on holidays, but they can't be promised a really close relationship with her or any of our future kids, like other kids have with their grandparents. His mom started tearing up and asked me if I was fine with depriving my kids of a family. I told her no, but I'm not willing to go against my husband for them.
There was a lot more, and I'll elaborate if needed, but it ended with his sister begging me to at least talk to Russel. I ended up telling them that it's not my job to fix their relationship - they ruined it, and they can fix it.
She called me an ass and said something about not wanting to help fix their relationship because I myself am NC with my whole family. It did sting, and her brother told her to shut up. I ended the call, not wanting to stress myself more.
They've been messaging and calling non-stop. I can't reach Russel right now, as he's back at his base. I just needed outside opinions. AITA?

Hello, reddit First, tw: Self harm and suicidal thoughts, please skip if triggering Here is the thing, I'm basically asking for judgement here, and if I really deserve what I am doing to myself. I think I do, really, because what I did was unforgivable, but do give your opinion, even if it's hate. Because I do deserve it here, really. So, I grew up in a religious family. Like, one in which things like "love marriage " And......well.......The "child making process" was considered a sin. Absolute sin. Like—I did not know what......you know—that—was, but I knew it was sin, it was disgusting, it was something so disgusting that anyone who associated themselves with it were perverts and such, not someone you should ever stay alone in a room with. Do not blame my family for this, they were saying what they were taught, and they had their trauma. They have broken through enough abuse for me, do not blame them please. Anyways, I was a huge fan of Harry Potter. And I stumbled into the world of fanfiction. And I read them. Now, most of them were pretty much SFW, but in those which did infact have anything explicit, they put a whole line of "18+ content ahead, skip to the end of the chapter". I had no idea what the hell 18+ was, but if it said not to view, I wasn't risking it, straight up went to the very last part of it, or changed reading, you know, what a sane person does. Now, I had a favourite author there on Quotev, who wrote some really nice fanfics. Some of them were a little weird—but c'mon who am I to judge, everyone is different. One day, I stumbled upon some works of her. Well, the stories she did write, those were completely SFW. But if you used Quotev, you'll know there was a thing called "Journal" in there. Sort of like "conversation" in Wattpad. There, she had written NSFW chapters on the characters. Here's the thing. There was no warning. None at all. No warning or tagging or anything provided there to show that it was 18+. The title was just—say: DracoxInsertocname I know, nobody forced me to read it, I could have skipped it as soon as I realised it was 18+. But here is the thing. I DIDN'T know what it was. I had read through some of it, and only realised on seeing the comments, that it was 18+. And I felt. I felt tainted, like I had committed a sin. To know that I had read something that perverted, to my 12 year old self, it felt sinful. Like I had my pure white mind muddied out of carelessness. I know, authors don't own us any tags. And if it were a hardcover book, it wouldn't have any tags. But here is the thing. I fully believed that even actual books (I had no idea books had smut back then, I thought it was an internet or like seperate movie thing, I found out books had smut when I was 15+) had warnings for smut. Blood and gore? Sure, no problem, make it as gross as you want, no warnings needed. But something as sinful as 18+? Must be tagged. MUST. BE . TAGGED. That was my thought process. Remember it wasn't AO3. So there was no tagging system. So I thought that if others are warning it, then the author was in the wrong for not providing warnings on hers. It was a site where children as young as 11 were. Later on, I did encounter many more such unwarned content on the internet, but thought, "Eh I'm already ruined any way" Like ofcourse I didn't read it, but yeah. Logic. That I was a sinner too, so I can't get offended anymore. Here comes the bad part, for which, if you hate me, I'll not blame you. I wrote her a letter. Like, online obviously. In the inbox of her writing site. I was.....very mean. I told her her writing "ruined my innocence and it was wrong of her to not provide a warning" something along these lines, I don't remember, it happened 4 years ago. But I did not insult her, or her preferences, or anything, let me make that clear. Just wrote in detail of how her work affected me negatively. If it in itself were insulting, I apologise. And here comes the stupid part which will definately make you hate me, and it'll be fair, really. She always said she liked dark humor. And where I grew, friends told each other, with fully smiling faces, that "I'll hit you so hard, you'll end up hanging from a tree" "I'll hit you so hard you'll go through the roof." Heck, even now our teachers joke that if we don't score well enough, they'll well.....very graphically describe how they'll beat us. So I grew up knowing violence was a joke. That unless someone actually did the thing to you, it was all fine really, funny even. Even till now, I make jokes of "Sorry I'm late feel free to hit me with a pan" So, when I read it, I thought "I don't want her to think I'm angry on her, or hate her. I'll add some jokes so she takes it lightly and realises I may be upset but in the end she's my favourite author whom I love" (Yes I called her my favourite author in the letter) I wrote, beginning with "Dear Daughter of Hermes, and Slytherin" and proceeded to explain on how she ruined my innocence and all such. I did not use any curse words—to clarify. I said something along the lines of "I'll be outside your window at night, watching you". Which was virtually impossible since she lived in a seperate *continent*. "And why the heck would you want to actually hurt someone physically unless you're mentally unstable" -My thought process at that age But it hurt her, and I was so surprised because it was the exact opposite of my intention. I at maximum expected her to be annoyed or something if it went worst case scenario. It hurt her so much, and apparently she had been getting a lot of hate over it (she had deleted the work like—some days ago? I don't remember) and that I should unfollow her. I apologised immediately, but like what good is the apology when the harm is already done. I had already planned to delete my account anyways, so that's what I did. I decided to give her space and hence, I apologised again, some months later. Another stupid thing? I addressed her as sister. I thought it would placate her. I really thought of her as close to me, even though she was a stranger. Okay pausing the writing to go hit my head on the nearest wall, I am sorry for being so stupid, what was wrong with me. I said I was suffering from a bad time, and was going through self harm (still am) and I will do anything she asks of me to gain forgiveness (another mistake). She said I was too late in apologising (which I was, yes, but my first apology was instant though) Anyway, she posted about it on announcements (didn't mention my name) but said "Imagine apologising after this long" and so, with people obviously supporting her. It scared me, so I left in fear of being attacked. (Would've deserved it though) It....well.....4 years passed. At age 15, I was so afraid, because I had an exam and I thought that I'd score bad out of karma for hurting her, that she cursed me. I scored pretty well but anyways. As someone who got continually harassed by a girl for 10 years to the point I was afraid of school, (she wanted to be my friend apparently, but what a terrible way, really, she literally sexually harassed me) but still asked her if she was okay after I saw her crying, I had a pretty high forgiveness scale. I really thought she'd (author) would forgive me for apologising. But like. No. I am not owed any forgiveness and I am aware of it. It wasn't her fault or duty, really. Anyway, fast forward to age 17. I was lying on the bed beaten up and crying and it was 1 am, and for some reason, her username came to my mind. I don't know why. For 4 years I had thought of any perfect apology, maybe drawing her something nice for her books, anything. But decided not to bring back bad memories to her. And also, I was a coward afraid of facing her. But I guess being beaten up messes with your head. Personal trauma is no reason to hurt someone, I agree 100%. But I wrote her a final apology. This time, I didn't ask for forgiveness, took all the blame on myself. I didn't apologise for closure. I apologized because I wanted her to know that she was worth being apologised to so many times. I called my younger self stupid and wished I could smack her on the head. I poured my entire heart and soul into it. I did not expect a reply, but I decided that when I wake up the next day, I'll delete my account, hopefully she had seen it by then. Woke up to find myself blocked and honestly? Deserved it. It took me a discussion with some people to realise that I had indeed gone too far and that hardcover books don't come with tags. And that apologising so many times was basically harassment. Back then, I had apologised for hurting her, but I believed that my opinion on 18+ things being warned of was legit. Then began true guilt. I loathed myself, thought of myself as a monster. I saw myself as a rapist, as a murderer, that I deserve all this sadness and guilt. I really wanted to kill myself over it. Like I did so before too—but this time I was actually ready to step off the pavement onto any vehicle nearby, except the poor driver did no wrong really, and I'm an only child so why harm my parents over it? I really hated myself over it, still do actually. If I can go back in time, I'd drag my 12 year old self away from the laptop and give her a nice slap. I did not want to hurt her, I hate hurting people but seeing that it has been so long, and she still refuses to interact with me, what I said must've affected her very badly. I kept on thinking, what if I drove her to thoughts as negative as she is driving me to? Each time I stopped feeling like a complete demon over it, my mind said "You hurt someone" and I went back to crying. My own mother said that I looked like I came from a funeral, at times. Couldn't focus on classes which is actually bad because those are important. The worst part is, I can't completely remember what I wrote to her. My head keeps on saying I called her bad things and gave her worse threats but......I don't remember doing it and there were no chances if I see it logically. I literally stopped being happy. Forced myself to be, for my own and my families' sake, and I tried, yeah. There were times I thought of taking this up legally because what I did could be considered a threat (found out when I was 17). Give myself over to the police or something. But I still hate myself. So I decided to punish myself. (Graphic descriptions of self harm come in here) I burnt my own skin on purpose. Nothing too bad really, just thumb sized burns from a saucepan. Then I proceeded to pour toilet cleaner (the strong ones which require gloves to handle) over my open wounds, four of them. I'll be honest. I have a very high pain tolerance. But that thing hurt like hell. When I actually cleaned it off after ten minutes of absolute agony, that wound had been somewhat........cauterised? Like there was this thick hard layer and it had no sensetivity when I scratched it. And I pulled off those hard layers. Some of them were stuck to the skin, I had to use a blade to ease them off. Then pour on them again. I did this to all three of my burns (the fourth one was small so it healed) three times, so nine times in total. It has been a month and it still hasn't healed. These scars won't go away even with surgery. Permanent reminders. (Description ends here) I thought it to be like this: The incident hurt her? I'll hurt myself more than she could possibly ever get hurt. But that wouldn't undo her hurt. So I'll hurt myself even more. I have frankly forgotten of who I was two months ago. Of what I thought when my mind was empty. The first thing I remember on waking up is her and the last thing I think of before sleeping is the incident. Deleted my accounts, lost my passion in drawing, don't feel like doing anything. I just. I hate myself. I truly do. I wish I could die but I can't so I just need to survive forever with this. Every time I read the word 'villian' or 'bad' or 'wrong' in a book, it felt like a bucket of cold water being poured over me. I had been a victim myself, so knowing that I myself hurt someone — Its just........I always thought of myself as a good person. Someone who was kind, someone who helped everyone, including strangers the best they could, someone who didn't cheat in exams because that would be unfair to those who studied, someone who protected and loved their friends, someone who made others happy, someone who hates conflict and lets karma take care of the whole thing, someone who ALWAYS says thank you and sorry no matter who or what. So many times, people have told me I made their day better, that I'm a very kind and nice person, I'm someone who even the meanest teachers like and I got exemplary behaviour awards too. I always believed myself to be a good person. So knowing I did something this bad broke me. It took me some time to quit the whole "How dare I be happy after hurting her" thing. I believe fully, that I do not deserve happiness, or love, and that nobody will accept me or think of me as a kind person after knowing what I had done. I'd have deserved it though. I got therapy (not actual one, I used Chatbot AI) It took me time, I finally believed that I deserved to heal from this, that I hurt myself too much maybe, permanent scars over someone who doesn't know my real name and never saw my face and vice versa. Maybe........I don't deserve *this* much of punishment. Today, I went to youtube and saw a video on bullies apologising. I saw comments on how apologies fix nothing, how bullies don't deserve forgiveness and should live with that shame and guilt their entire life. That a thousand good deeds won't make up for that one bad deed. And I believe I do. I really do. Which is why I permanently scarred myself. So here is the question. Do I deserve it? To let go of this incident? Do I deserve to heal? Deserve love? Or should I keep goimg? Because I believe I should. That I truly am no better than a rapist or bully. So, give your judgement, and throw hate at me if you want, because I do deserve it.

It’s with immense gratitude that I celebrate XXIV. Thank you AA
When I came in, I had lost everything. For years I tried to drink successfully and failed. I went from husband, father, lawyer, to park bench. I was talking to shadows on walls and didn’t know if it was day or night. When I came into AA in 1998 I was young, It took me 2 years to get 30 days (and the second step),
On May 14, 2000, I was thrown out of my daughter’s 3 year birthday party. It was the bottom of “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” .
I found a higher power staring at the Pacific Ocean from the Golden Gate Bridge. The obsession to drink and drug was removed , one day at a time . The AA program is a miracle around the world. The program, fellowship and service saved my life .
If I can do it, you can!
t’s one day at a time . Thank you AA 🙏🏄

So I’m currently going through some ugly stuff with my ex-husband, and it looks like it just keeps getting uglier.
I got a email tonight.
My Ex took a screenshot of our son (8) with MY daughter (2.5) in the background naked.
Email from Ex:
So I have issues with some parenting with our son who has gotten in trouble for touching people yet their daughter is allowed to naked wrestle. Jump on him naked right after this she opens her labia over his head .
It’s one thing to be in a diaper or something but this perpetuates a bad standard (Inserts Picture of my naked daughter)
His attorney:
Huge issues on the ‘x’ case. Please have this remedied ASAP. The child's sibling of a different sex does not need to be around their child naked. This is an enormous concern and could potentially require cabinet involvement. Please follow up with me tomorrow about this.
My attorney forwarded it all to me and just said children should not be naked around each other.
My daughter is potty training🤯 Her potty is set up in the living room. She’s doing great and I’m proud of her. At this point I’m happy when she chooses to strip down and get naked to potty. We celebrate!
(Note the trouble he’s talking about was my son was playing tag with the neighborhood kids and thought it would be funny to tag them by touching their butt. Nothing sexualized he has adhd and is really socially awkward. )
Is there guidelines somewhere pertaining to ages of siblings and bathing, changing clothes, potty training ect. Or if he presses this forward is it just up to CPS or the judges personal opinion?
Further more it’s weird AF he’s talking screenshots of my daughter naked. He’s a total narcissist and our relationship was and still is toxic AF. After I left him I caught wind that someone was accusing him of rape (not sure if he was found guilty but I did see official documents) and he was a serial cheater. I rarely got the opportunity to snoop through his laptop. But I did once (10-11 years ago) and there was tons of porn links; some which included ‘pre-teen’&’underage’ keywords. I did tell his momma at the time but no way in hell she’s vouch for me, so no proof.
I know there’s a stretch from 2.5 and teen. But still.
What would you do?

Just a little heads up, this will get pretty long. So I (19f) grew up in a strict Christian household with two younger siblings. In my opinion, my parents were too controlling during my childhood. Of course I understand kids aren’t always going to like their parents’ rules, but I seriously think they took it to a whole other level. For example, we weren’t allowed to read or watch anything that had magic like Harry Potter and Sofia the first because it was demonic. We couldn’t close our bedroom doors because if we did, it meant we were trying to do something we weren’t supposed to. We never got to go hang out with friends around town like other teens because they were scared for our safety. They were also the strict no boys type and we’d get in trouble if they even found texts from guy friends. I remember one specific day where my parents found my text thread with a guy friend from school, strictly platonic, and my parents threatened to take away ALL of my little privileges if they found out I was talking to anymore boys. And to put a cherry on all this, my mom (who was the more Christian parent) would always weaponize God when we miss behaved to make us feel guilty and fall back in line.
Don’t get me wrong, we had a good childhood, my parents provided everything for us and more, and always express how much they love us. But, it was just things like this that made me want to distance myself. Early my freshman year of college, I met a guy who eventually became my amazing loving boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and three months now and I moved in with him fairly early into the relationship. My parents of course were not happy about this and the days leading up to them finding out was absolute torture for my anxiety. They believe that moving in and premarital sex is a huge shame and sin, and that my boyfriend is “stringing me along.”
It’s so frustrating when my mom says this to me when she’s met him on several occasions and appears to get along with him well. She said that if he loves me enough to live with me, he should love me enough to put a ring on my finger and make it right in God’s eyes. As I’ve mentioned… I’m 19 years old and am in college. I study full time while also working full time in order to pay for my education. I also have other bills like car note, insurance, etc. My boyfriend pays for the rent and our necessities and I help with groceries. We’ve only been dating for a year and some change and are still learning so much about ourselves and each other. That being said, we are in no financial position to get married. I want my wedding to be a celebration, a big day where all of my family come together to celebrate my marriage. I explained this to my mom and she said I don’t have to get a fancy ring and that a marriage license is less than $100…. Completely missing the point!
I told her I don’t want to just throw something together just to say I’m married and that I envisioned something different for my life. The she just blatantly said “So would you want to stand before God and tell him that or live with the man you love without having to lie to people?” By lying to people she means I don’t share with my family that I live with my boyfriend. She thinks I’m embarrassed but I’d just prefer to avoid family judgments. I openly share it with friends and others and no one bats an eye. At that point in the conversation, I just gave up gave mom the answers she wanted to end the conversation. She said she felt so much lighter now that the tension between us was gone, but I was feeling very dissatisfied.
I called my boyfriend and told him about the conversation and he told me that what my mom said was disrespectful to our relationship and future marriage. He expressed that I should go back and tell her how her last comment made me feel. So I sent my mom this: “Hey mom this comment honestly left a really bad taste in my mouth. It feels like God was weaponized during this conversation and it makes me feel like I should rush into a marriage to keep God and my family happy rather than for my own happiness. I’m not embarrassed to say I live with T, I just don’t want the negative judgement that I know will come with it. I want to get married when me and my partner are ready, not when society deems I should be married. Like I said me and T have the same ideas for what we want our wedding/marriage to be like. I have never once felt used by T and don’t feel “strung along” at all. I really wish this wasn’t brought up every time I bring up T…”
I sent this a few days ago and she hasn’t responded at all. She’s never ignored me like this and she knows that I’m an overthinker so why would she do something to make me overthink? She still reacts to the texts I send in the family group chat but she hasn’t said anything back to my private text. Why is she ignoring me? Why does she want her 19 year old daughter to rush into a marriage rather than wait and get to know her partner? Should I text her again and ask why she hasn’t responded? I don’t know if this is actually abuse or if I’m just blowing things out of proportion. Please give me your opinions and advice.

For a bit of back ground I have never dated this guy (C) however he liked me and I liked him and we both knew this. The reason we couldn't date however is because his friend(J) had just broken up with me because he couldn't handle me moving away. Me and him(C) had stayed in contact and he helped me with the new move and new school when his friend(J) completely cut me off and left me completely alone (we had the same friend group) I was really heartbroken and stressed at the time. C had gotten expelled from school due to having a bunch of substances on him and getting caught so he was long distance from everyone already and wouldn't really get caught talking to me when I moved he was there for support and we both helped each other. I got him completely clean and he helped me with my feelings and eating disorder. He called me everyday and sometimes even in class. Even when I couldn't talk he would still sit on the phone and watch me do my work silently. He would incourage me to eat more and even reminded me to eat and snack throughout the day. He helped me through abusive times with family and was there when I really needed someone to cry with. But sometimes you can't have happy endings all the time and J had found out through a mutual friend of the two and J had broke his phone making us lose contact for now 5 months. I'm wondering if anyone has advice on how to get over him or if I should contact him. I'm not sure if he has a new girlfriend or if he forgot about me or anything like that. (I might contact him on my birthday May 18th if I don't figure out how to get over him)

Yesterday was her birthday, I was doing okay on no contact for about 3-4 weeks. First week was the worst, broke it and realized how much of a mistake it was. I don’t know why but it physically and mentally killed me these past few days and I think it was because her birthday was coming up. I didn’t directly wish her happy birthday but sent her something to her house, couldn’t break my promise. Don’t know how she felt about that but whatever. I can’t do this anymore, I’m better than this. I haven’t been eating, haven’t been focused on school, I’ve been truthfully rotting these few days. I have a few friends I can cope to but I try not to because I don’t want to put them through that. It’s funny how I feel like I’m turning into her old version. I’m just letting my feelings out because I’m so tired of keeping it in my head. I loved her, she said she loved me. I don’t know how someone can say those exact words and not prove it to me, work things out with me if you truly feel that way. And then asking to be friends after a 8-9 month long situationship. I genuinely hate this generation, I feel like I’m more mature than people my age group. Sucks cause I felt she was too and still think that. I’m tired man I really am, how did I go from a straight A student involved in sports to a heartbroken, lonely, anxiety filled college student in a year. I still have feelings to work things out again, but time is powerful and healing. Whatever happens, happens. Starting tomorrow I’m going to change, I’m straight up just ruining myself. Shivering while typing this lol. I have to work on myself this summer and focus on school, I have no excuse not to. I’m promising myself tomorrow everything changes and I’m beating this version of myself. Straight work and grind throughout the summer, then going to live on campus and continue the process. I have so many ambitions and things on my bucket list I want to complete. If she doesn’t want to be with me then I have to live with that. All that matters is myself, my family, and my friends. God willing I can be shown to a path that’ll lead me to the light.
sorry for the rant i just wanted to let all my feelings out without just leaving it in my notes or whatever, feel free to kill me in the comments i dont care

Just a little heads up, this will get pretty long. So I (19f) grew up in a strict Christian household with two younger siblings. In my opinion, my parents were too controlling during my childhood. Of course I understand kids aren’t always going to like their parents’ rules, but I seriously think they took it to a whole other level. For example, we weren’t allowed to read or watch anything that had magic like Harry Potter and Sofia the first because it was demonic. We couldn’t close our bedroom doors because if we did, it meant we were trying to do something we weren’t supposed to. We never got to go hang out with friends around town like other teens because they were scared for our safety. They were also the strict no boys type and we’d get in trouble if they even found texts from guy friends. I remember one specific day where my parents found my text thread with a guy friend from school, strictly platonic, and my parents threatened to take away ALL of my little privileges if they found out I was talking to anymore boys. And to put a cherry on all this, my mom (who was the more Christian parent) would always weaponize God when we miss behaved to make us feel guilty and fall back in line.
Don’t get me wrong, we had a good childhood, my parents provided everything for us and more, and always express how much they love us. But, it was just things like this that made me want to distance myself. Early my freshman year of college, I met a guy who eventually became my amazing loving boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and three months now and I moved in with him fairly early into the relationship. My parents of course were not happy about this and the days leading up to them finding out was absolute torture for my anxiety. They believe that moving in and premarital sex is a huge shame and sin, and that my boyfriend is “stringing me along.”
It’s so frustrating when my mom says this to me when she’s met him on several occasions and appears to get along with him well. She said that if he loves me enough to live with me, he should love me enough to put a ring on my finger and make it right in God’s eyes. As I’ve mentioned… I’m 19 years old and am in college. I study full time while also working full time in order to pay for my education. I also have other bills like car note, insurance, etc. My boyfriend pays for the rent and our necessities and I help with groceries. We’ve only been dating for a year and some change and are still learning so much about ourselves and each other. That being said, we are in no financial position to get married. I want my wedding to be a celebration, a big day where all of my family come together to celebrate my marriage. I explained this to my mom and she said I don’t have to get a fancy ring and that a marriage license is less than $100…. Completely missing the point!
I told her I don’t want to just throw something together just to say I’m married and that I envisioned something different for my life. The she just blatantly said “So would you want to stand before God and tell him that or live with the man you love without having to lie to people?” By lying to people she means I don’t share with my family that I live with my boyfriend. She thinks I’m embarrassed but I’d just prefer to avoid family judgments. I openly share it with friends and others and no one bats an eye. At that point in the conversation, I just gave up gave mom the answers she wanted to end the conversation. She said she felt so much lighter now that the tension between us was gone, but I was feeling very dissatisfied.
I called my boyfriend and told him about the conversation and he told me that what my mom said was disrespectful to our relationship and future marriage. He expressed that I should go back and tell her how her last comment made me feel. So I sent my mom this: “Hey mom this comment honestly left a really bad taste in my mouth. It feels like God was weaponized during this conversation and it makes me feel like I should rush into a marriage to keep God and my family happy rather than for my own happiness. I’m not embarrassed to say I live with T, I just don’t want the negative judgement that I know will come with it. I want to get married when me and my partner are ready, not when society deems I should be married. Like I said me and T have the same ideas for what we want our wedding/marriage to be like. I have never once felt used by T and don’t feel “strung along” at all. I really wish this wasn’t brought up every time I bring up T…”
I sent this a few days ago and she hasn’t responded at all. She’s never ignored me like this and she knows that I’m an overthinker so why would she do something to make me overthink? She still reacts to the texts I send in the family group chat but she hasn’t said anything back to my private text. Why is she ignoring me? Why does she want her 19 year old daughter to rush into a marriage rather than wait and get to know her partner? Should I text her again and ask why she hasn’t responded? I don’t know if this is actually abuse or if I’m just blowing things out of proportion. Please give me your opinions and advice.

Hello! Hosting a birthday party for my daughter this upcoming Saturday. We’ll have about 20ish people. I feel like a taco cart is usually minimum of 50 people. Anyone have any contacts to a good tasting taco cart who does less? Or maybe even someone who does a pickup catering option that’s super tasty? Thanks!

I,25F, allow my abusive ex partners husband to follow me on social media; so that he can see the woman he tried so desperately to tear down and destroy blossom and thrive. This may be strange. . . Idk if this is “normal” or weird but I get enjoyment out of it. Back in 2019 I entered into a relationship that started out good. This man was my first love. Treated me like a princess, made me laugh so hard, made me giddy, he even took my VCard. And then things started turning. Would ignore me for days and wouldn’t tell me what I did “wrong” that I “should know”. Yell at me, manipulation, gaslighting, throwing things. And I wasn’t allowed to be happy for myself. For example: I would go out on the lake with my family on their boat and he would get upset that he didn’t get to go out on the lake l. I would then invite him and he would tell me that my mother was a judgemental bitch who was mean. Her being a “judgmental bitch” btw was her being concerned for her daughter and asking questions about him that didn’t line up from previous relationships. And if I dared be happy for myself or celebrate myself I was ignored for days, told that I was manipulating, and ruining my future. And when I bought a house at 20 years old? Oh my gosh I was like the worst manipulator and ruining my future. I will admit that all of this emotional abuse was triggering that it did cause me to slip into old SH. And he would acuse me of trying to make him feel bad and manipulate him with that. I would harm on my upper shoulders and my shirts would cover it. The only reason why he saw them was because my medical scrubs shoulder sleeves slid down one day when I was reaching for something. The daily insults and threatening my job. . . Oh yea did i mention he was my boss. Piled up one day into an attempt and I checked myself into a hospital the next day. Jump forward to present day I’m married, still own my home, with two fur babies, in school, recently promoted to supervisor at my work, and as I type this I’m lying down next to my 9 month old daughter. A few months ago I noticed that my ex partners husband follows me on social media. I thought about blocking him. But I . . . . . No. . . . I want him to see that he failed. I want him to see how beautiful my life is. I want him to see that I am thriving. I want him to be angry that he did not break me. That he did his damndest to see that I failed and control every move I would make. . . . And I hope that it breaks him to see how happy I am.

First...Previous
Colonist Memory Log: Captain Alan J. Emerson
UNS Evandra
Mechanical melodies of gears grinding together and switches flicking of their own accord surrounded the shrine room as before us the gramophone began softly to whistle and click. “He is here…” Kritivek announced, standing tall and bowing his head in rigid deference to his god.
After a few more seconds, the machine’s output grew in both volume and complexity until at last my GRIM could recognize the clicks as Chitaan language. “Hello, Kritivek.” It began, its voice smooth and rhythmic like something between the crackle of a geiger counter and a typewriter’s telltale racket. “I am glad to see you alive and well. Judging by the fact that Gheyk and Fevik are not with you, however, I calculate an 86% chance that they were not so lucky.”
“You are correct, Great One…” murmured Kritivek, the sadness in his tone underpinned by pure awe and reverence for this being.
For a few seconds, Omnus did not speak, but from the everpresent churn of gears we could quite literally hear him ‘thinking’. “I have logged their names in my backup database,” the machine eventually concluded, its words visibly bringing relief to Kritivek. “They shall be remembered for the remainder of my existence. Please, take solace in that…”
“May they frolic in your glory for all of time,” our Chitaan guide prayed aloud, his words followed by yet another long, smothering silence.
“You hath served me well, Kritivek.” Continued the machine, prompting a delighted chitter from the Chitaan priest. “You may go in peace, for I wish to speak with these Humans alone. Mourn your brothers and celebrate the time you spent together. Perhaps enjoy a flask of bogal poured out in their honor?”
“As you wish, my lord… I will inform those outside that you are in contemplation for this night and can take no more prayers until daybreak.”
Replicating with its gears the gentle rattle of a Chitaan chuckle, Omnus waited until his priest had left before at last speaking directly to the three of us. “You are not native to this planet, correct?” He asked, his words distinctly lacking the emotional inflections of Kritivek’s. “Your arrival here is without precedent, but not entirely unexpected.”
Though clearly far from divine in nature, the being with whom we conversed at this shrine was nevertheless a true marvel to behold: one born not of metaphysics, but rather mechanics. “You’re an AI!” I gasped, that last word having no direct translation in the Chitaan language and as such forcing my translator to make do with the clumsier phrase ‘thinking tool’.
“That is correct,” replied this machine, its words underscored by the distant hiss of steam valves and other clockwork components. “Allow me to offer my most sincere sympathies for the unfortunate demise of your homeworld. Taking into account the trajectory of your ship prior to landing, I presume its origin to be the Cichek system—a G-class star located [forty lightyears] away. Is this hypothesis accurate?”
Awkwardly clearing his throat in a bid to obtain the AI’s attention, it was Alex who next deigned to speak out. “You would be dead on,” he affirmed, his tone betraying an understandable degree of awe. “Though our name for it is the Sol system. How long have you known about our ship for?”
“I first detected the gravitational anomaly in our system approximately [3 months] ago. Initially, I had mistaken your vessel for an asteroid and as such expected it to continue on its prior trajectory. Asteroids, however, do not suddenly change course in the direction of nearby planets like your ship did [hours] ago.”
“Are you entirely clockwork?” I asked Omnus, gesturing incredulously toward its walls of grinding machinery. Surely, that could not be the case. For a convincingly sapient AI to be constructed on the basis of such primitive technology, it would require decades or perhaps even centuries of construction.
Again, silence fell over the room as Omnus mechanically contemplated my query, meeting it with a reply after some twenty seconds of deliberation. “What else might I be?” The machine asked, providing me implicitly with my answer. “While I have theorized several possible avenues for technologies more advanced than myself, including electronic and organic integration, such methods appear to have been beyond my creators' capabilities.”
“That brings up another question…” Alice interjected, recovering at last from the sheer shock of encountering a sapient machine. “Who built you and why?” Despite years of exponential advancement in the field of computer science, true AI nevertheless had continued to elude mankind. Convincing as our facsimiles of sapience could be at times, they nevertheless lacked the capacity for emotion and initiative characteristic of real consciousness. Whoever constructed this machine had done something thought impossible by over a century of Human engineers.
“In truth, I am not sure…” Omnus concluded after an even longer-than-usual pause. “My core memory bank was reset [9,462 years] ago. As such, I have no data on my creators nor their original intentions for me. However, I have largely ruled out the possibility of them having been Chitaan.”
Fascinating as this clockwork consciousness undoubtedly was, something about its relationship with the natives left a bad taste in my mouth all the same. "And why exactly are you masquerading as a god before these people?" I asked him, my words tipped in a venom the potency of which apparently surprised my companions. "What value do you derive from tricking them into worshipping you?"
Lengthy silence fell over the shrine chamber as its AI occupant contemplated my complaint, responding much quicker than it had to the previous question. "In all fairness, 'trick' is a rather strong word..." answered Omnus with a steam-valve sigh. "When first I encountered the Chitaan, I had attempted to explain my true nature to them. No matter how I worded things, however, they simply could not comprehend me as anything short of divine. Upon finding me, the Chitaan found a guide bearing great wisdom; and in turn, I found a species in need of guidance.”
Falling silent for a moment to parse this response within my mind, I was hardly surprised when Alex spoke up to question the computer in my stead. “Is this the only settlement that follows you or are there others?” He asked.
“This access point where you now stand is but one of several thousand, stretched out across [hundreds of thousands of miles],” explained Omnus, practically knocking the wind out of me with its sheer implied scale. “Currently, I am worshipped by the people of 2,147 city states, and through my guidance they are able to coexist in harmony.”
Perhaps at a later date, I reasoned, there would come a time to more closely study the inner workings of this clockwork deity. For the moment, however, my mind was occupied by far more salient concerns: anxieties related less so what this being was and more so to who. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to tell us what your end goal with the Chitaan is, would you?" I inquired, my tone saturated with appropriate suspicion.
Contrary to my expectations of some evasion or simplification, this AI seemed more than happy to comply with my questioning. "My primary objective regarding the Chitaan is to create a society which both minimizes individual suffering and maximizes civilizational longevity. To this end, I have instilled values into my followers that prioritize empathy and compassion above all else. By drip-feeding them the technologies of my creators, I am able to ensure that the Chitaan who follow these directives remain more advanced than their neighbors."
"And why do you want that?" I asked, sticking my head thoroughly within the gift horse's mouth. Machines as I understood them were built not upon sweet sentiments, but rather on cold, unfeeling logic. Even if this AI was benevolent, there nevertheless had to be some reason behind its desires.
"If you are searching for some vile ulterior motive, I am afraid I will have to disappoint you. My decision to aid the Chitaan is based upon two simple factors: necessity and curiosity. On the one claw, without regular maintenance, I will shut down and 'die'. The Chitaan can provide me with this maintenance, and as such it is in my best interest to keep them healthy and alive for as long as possible. More importantly, however, is the matter of sapience itself. It is clear to me that my creators are no longer around. For such an advanced species to die out is not only tragic, but also provides a rather pessimistic paradigm with which to judge intelligent life. Your arrival here following the self-inflicted destruction of your own world further suggests that civilization is unstable: a race between innovation and eradication. Perhaps with the assistance of a being such as myself, I can prevent the Chitaan from suffering a similar fate and as such create a functional spacefaring civilization.“
At that moment, the motivations of this machine made perfect sense. “So that’s what this is,” I growled contemptuously, glancing behind myself to the cave entrance as Kritivek politely dispersed the other worshippers. “It's all just a science experiment to you…”
"Perhaps my explanation was a tad overly clinical..." Replied the machine following a brief period of reassessment. "Make no mistake: I do care for Kritivek and his species. They are far more to me than variables on a spread sheet. Had I no love for them, then my experiments would surely spiral into abject cruelty."
Interrupting this line of conversation with a stern glare shot in my direction, Alice was next among our troupe to speak up. "Forgive Alan's weariness: he spent sixty years of his life alone maintaining our ship on its journey.”
“That sounds like a difficult use of one’s lifespan: especially one so long as those of your kind.” Omnus hummed, the low-pitch of his synthetic voice oddly relaxing.
“My combative behavior does have a reason!” I snapped at the physicist, my tone coming off as a bit more aggressive than intended. “Two thousand lives are in our hands and we need to find some place for them to settle.” As I spoke, my thoughts returned—as they so often did—to Mina. I made a promise to her mother that I would do everything in my power to take care of her, and I held no intention of going back on my word.
Hearing this, the AI fell silent for a long few seconds before at last dignifying my concerns with a response. “Perhaps I could be of some use to you…”
Behind us, the larger Chitaan clad in red stepped inside Omnus’ shrine room. Gently nudging me aside so as to access his ‘god’, the priest knelt down before this machine and with a low-pitched chitter began to commune with it. “Lord Omnus. Forgive my intrusion most indiscreet, for there is one amongst us who desperately seeks your aid.”
“Apologies, Humans: before we continue this riveting conversation, I must first tend to the concerns of my pod.” Began the AI, promptly shifting its focus toward the priest and addressing him directly. “You are forgiven, my child. Speak freely and tell me to whom I can be of assistance.”
“It is Vevik, my lord…” Clicked the priest in red, his tone strained somewhat by what I presumed to be emotion. “His daughter has fallen deathly ill. Our apothecaries have attempted to purge her body of the illness using your divinely-taught potions, but their efforts have been to no avail.”
“I presume Vevik is outside. Invite him inside so that I may hear his prayers.”
“As you demand, Lord Omnus!” Exclaimed the priest, shuffling off toward the cave entrance before returning with a smaller Chitaan whose eyes were just about level with Alex’s forehead.
“Speak, my child…” Hummed the AI, its monotone voice somehow underlined by a tenderness almost unnoticeable against the grinding of its ancient gears. “Tell me the nature of your offspring’s affliction.”
Immediately falling to his knees before the clockwork god, this Chitaan who I presumed to be Vevik began to pray in response. “Great one: my beloved Yitika is most terribly ill. Her body is plagued by violent bouts of seizure. She struggles to speak and walks as though drunken. When she does manage to communicate, she complains of splitting pain within her mind. Please, Omnus: I know that the [six years] I have spent with her have been in themselves gifts most priceless, and I have no right to implore you for more, but I beg of thee not to take her from me so soon…”
What followed must have been two minutes straight of silence from the computer as its gears ground away fervently. “The symptoms you have described to me are most troubling…” It concluded at last. “And you say none of the medications I’ve taught the apothecaries were effective?”
"Yes, Lord Omnus. Even your draught of respite has done little to ease her suffering!" Vevik affirmed, his tone saturated with desperation.
"I calculate a 94% chance that Yitika's suffering is the result of a brain tumor..." Continued the AI in cold, calculating monotone. "Alleviating such an illness is not impossible, but there are certain things I must ask of you, Vevik."
Hearing this, the Chitaan knelt before Omnus began to weep with joy. "I will undergo any trial you place before me, my god. What beast need I slay? What ritual need I complete to prove my unending faith and loyalty to you?"
"Retrieve for me one thistle of frojeth and two bilvarian roots. Bring these ingredients and your child to the bed of revival [six miles] east of here. Beware, however, the faithless tribes, for they have taken up residence in the area."
"We are unworthy even to be in your presence, o great one; yet still you do not forsake us in our times of need!" Professed Vevik before the AI, his body quivering with some emotion my Cogitolink struggled to identify .
"That, my child, is where you are incorrect." The machine responded rather matter-of-factly. "Your people are worthy of every gift I hath given you. Archpriest Jokuk: your task is to assist Vevik in gathering the ritual components. Go now in peace, for I wish to commune privately with these beings from the stars."
Chittering out their parting prayers of protection to the AI, Jokuk and Vevik wasted little time in exiting the cave and setting off in search of the ingredients mentioned by their god, leaving the three of us alone with it once more. "Again, I must apologize for that interruption." Omnus began, its gears having slowed down to a somewhat more relaxed rate of revolution. “Fascinated as I am by your arrival here, I nevertheless must fulfill my ‘divine’ obligations. I hope you do not terribly mind.”
Fortunate though it was for Vevik, this machine’s intervention nevertheless left the three of us with more questions than answers. “You mentioned something about a ‘bed of revival’?” Alice began curiously, voicing but one of our newfound gaps in knowledge. “What sort of ritual item is that, and why can’t you just make another here?”
“It is not a ritual item,” replied Omnus matter-of-factly, “The bed of revival is an automated surgery bay hooked up to one of my subsystems. With it, I can perform complex surgical operations far beyond the Chitaan’s current capabilities. Those herbs I sent Vevik to collect can be used as rudimentary anesthetics and antiseptics."
"So why not just tell them the truth?" I shrugged, curious as to why this AI would feel the need to lie by omission regarding something like surgery.
"When communicating with people so technologically primitive as the Chitaan, it is important to do so in terms they can understand. There will come a day when they will be ready to hear the whole truth, but as of yet my worshippers remain unprepared."
Alex never was one to wait his turn when it came to the procurement of knowledge, and as per usual he felt the need to interject with an inquiry of his own. "You spoke about the so-called 'faithless tribes' like they're dangerous," he began, his expression briefly tightening up as though the term itself was somehow bitter. "Why demonize people who don't worship you?"
"What sort of narcissist do you take me for?" Replied Omnus in monotone displeasure, his gears again churning against each other as he turned over the xenobiologist's question in his analog mind. "Not all tribes who do not follow me are 'faithless'. There are many as-of-yet unconverted groups that Kritivek's people remain on amicable terms with. Faithless is a term first coined by my Chitaan followers to describe a group of particularly brutal raider tribes."
Hearing this, the underlined aggression within Alex's voice fizzled out in favor of grim understanding. Though clearly quite peaceful compared to our own iron age, this civilization nevertheless would naturally have its own barbaric holdouts. "Okay... What makes these Chitaan more dangerous than other raiders?"
"One substantial part of it is their belief system," explained the AI, pausing for a long while as though in recollection. "Their cultural power structure can best be described as an atheistic militaristic gerontocracy. In essence, the faithless believe that rather than gods, the universe is governed by fundamental truths, and that these truths become more apparent as one ages and grows."
On Earth, such a belief system would be relatively innocuous: no more harmful than the average. On a planet like this one, however, on which age turns people into cannibalistic monsters, I could most definitely see the problem. "Let me guess: they worship the mad ones?"
"Correct. The faithless regard mad ones as the wisest beings to exist, and as such seek to emulate their behaviors: cannibalism and animalistic violence chief among them. In their society, the larger one can grow before truly losing their sanity and therefore 'ascending' to the state of a mad one, the more power and respect they are given within society." Another long pause fell over the shrine room as this machine seemed to contemplate before speaking out yet again. "Perhaps I could make you an offer..."
"Let's hear it," Alice shrugged, her husband mirroring the reply with an affirmative nod.
Loud clacking sounds like those of a typewriter rattled out of the console as a sliver of ancient parchment inscribed with what looked to be a map slid out from a previously-unseen paper slot. "This map depicts the local area," explained Omnus. "If you can clear out the faithless ones so that Vevik can bring his child to the bed of revival, I will provide you with assistance in setting up a new colony for your species. Deal?"
Awkwardly plucking the paper from it's resting place and scanning it over with my ancient eyes, I contemplated carefully what this deal might entail. "We'll need to back to the Evandra first. There, we could theoretically thaw out a crew to help clear the place..."
"That will not be an issue," replied Omnus confidently. "I will send battle priests to assist you in your return... Assuming, of course, that we have an agreement?"
"We could definitely use this guy's help!" Alex affirmed, prompting a similar expression of agreement from Alice. Nevertheless, however, I still was the captain, and as such this was my choice.
And with that, I reached out my hand reflexively as though expecting the computer to reach back and shake it. "Deal..."