looking for public school to transfer and has no grade requirements. di na ako kaya pag aralin, gusto ko pa mag aral gahahahhah
currently taking medtech in OLFU, i will take any course kahit balik 1st year basta nag aaral me ty

Hello all! I wanted to see if anyone else had similar symptoms/experiences. I’m a 28 year old female and have a history of anxiety and depression. I went to a psychiatrist back in September 2023 and he basically was like “yeah you should get tested for ADHD.” I battled with this for many months and I am getting tested this Friday (yay!).
I also recently discovered that, according to my mother, I was “not on par with the normal students and had to be in a special ed class” going into 1st grade. I don’t know the details and my parents do not remember the details, but basically the school psychologist would ask questions and I would answer them but not in the way they were looking for. For example, “what’s a pet that starts with the letter D and has four legs?” Most people would say “dog” but my answer would be “Doberman” and this is considered not what they are looking for. My parents refused to put me in any type of special education and did not pursue further testing (probably in denial or something).
What was your experience like with psychological testing? Anyone else have similar experiences growing up with school? Any insight is much appreciated and thank you for reading my long post lol. 😅

Hallu, title says it all, after months of hardship, ups and downs, all nighters, stress (so much stress), finally grades come back and I'm confidently graduating tall and proud hehe. Similar to the 2023 PT graduate AMA posted before, just ask me anything, maybe more about the PT internship for the current 3rd years, but any questions are fine. Also, congrats to the finals passers from 3rd year, and good luck to the 1st and 2nd years still taking their exams this week.

I'm a short weak Asian guy (5'3-5'4ish) turning 21 next month and still never really had a girlfriend. I had a female friend in 1st grade who kissed me on the cheek, and a female friend in 5th grade who I held hands with. This was all over a decade ago. Ever since puberty started, I've never had any luck with women. I only go outside when I have to go to school or work. Otherwise I'm just playing video games to escape the reality of my situation. Don't really know what the hell I'm still doing in community college since I've only passed like 4 or 5 classes in the past 3 years since I enrolled. I work a fast food job where there are female coworkers but I don't really talk to them. So how do I work towards acquiring a girlfriend?

Today was economics exam. My centre was around 38 km away but was a pretty good centre with cooperative people and teachers.
Paper was like some questions from the deep corners of NCERT and some lame ass questions to make sure cutoff won't fall too low. Whatever it was, it was unexpected. Like a normal approach of a examinar should be to just test the understanding of students and his grasp of the basics for further studies. This paper was like examiner was a history teacher who opened economics book to form a paper and he just picked some random lines and framed the questions like AI even worse than that.
There were 10 questions of 2 case based studies. The lamest thing I have ever witnessed in my life. It was not at all a passage for an economics exam but a dam comprehension of 6th grade. Even a science student can score 50 marks in them I'm dam sure.
Overall, conclusion is that paper was not made from the perspective to test abilities of a student, it was just made to get cutoffs and finish the job. Personally, I was scoring 170-190 in PYQs and mocks even I scored 200 in one of the free mocks of SPCC, but I was struggling in 25 questions in the paper. I solved 4 of them with tukka, 5 in a doubt, 10 was exempted, 6 left untouched. Was wishing for 200, now just wishing for 150+.

IB student here, so far I've done a lot of MUNs but have received no paper awards. Lawcons but only that I was on the winning side.
In school, I'm not in the debate CCA (is the only girl in a performing arts club that's all) and am in the Humanities Scholarship Programme. I have no leadership positions but may become VP of the CCA I'm in.
I've gotten worried looking at my classmates who are stacking CCAs and awards in debates, MUNs, Olympiads and even sports. But I was quite reassured that Oxbridge usually prioritises grades first (though I still am working towards that i don't need much advice on that)
I've done other cool things like martial arts (non-competitive), volunteering to teach kids music, performing for charity, passing a Trinity drama exam, doing grade 8 piano and publishing an app. but I'm seeing people founding non-profits, having a diploma in music, being part of Future Lawyers Singapore. My parents tell me that I can't commit myself to anything more and should focus on grades instead but I can't help but feel inadequate in general.
Currently I'm trying to find speaking competitions but it's been difficult. Plain English Speaking Awards was my one shot but for some reason my teacher didn't even consider me despite the fact that he told me he would as I was part of the school emcee group. Even as an ACSian he said I shouldn't try going for Orator's Trophy and I can't find a way in.
I'm burnt out from MUNs and am doing SIMP (moot) for the 1st time this June. I have a friend that is in the world but she seems to avoid telling me about these competitions. I can't find anything for a JC student like me to do.
My current solutions that I can follow through are getting internships and reading law books. But I really am worried that I'm not achieving enough to apply for universities outside of Oxbridge. Please help! :"

Hey plumbers of Reddit. I’ve been thinking about being an apprentice. I’m currently 17 and turn 18 in about 4 months and have been thinking/ preparing and researching and getting information on what I should prepare for mainly because I’m someone that does not want to pursue something unless I know every aspect of what I would be getting myself into so I know that I would be dealing with poop and other things but I really don’t mind that I have a strong stomach and the old Vic’s vapor rub would help to but the only downside would be that I’m not very good at writing/reading in elementary school i was moving a lot do to family reasons and never got the right education for it but over the years I have progressed I was at a 1st grade reading level in 5th grade and now me being in 11th grade I’m at a 9th grade reading level so I know my reading and writing will get better as time goes on but I just wanted to put this out here and get some feedback thanks hope every had a blessed day and remember it’s always about mindset unless your going to college for 8 years to get the same pay as someone who works with shit for a living then at that point you never had the right mindset in the first place

I feel like I'm just wasting my time here. Dito ko natutunan pumasok sa paaralan ng walang tulog, AS IN, para lang magawa yung mga tambakang assignments and reviewers namin since 4 subs a day lang kami (we're divided into 3 shifts and only have two buildings huhu). From 1st til this sem, hindi tumaas sa 92 yung ave ko. Hindi naman bumababa sa 45 yung periodical tests ko, hindi bumababa sa 23 yung mga summative ko, at higit sa lahat, kilala ako ng mga teachers ko because of recitations. Yes, I am grateful since kasali ako sa with honors, hindi rin ako pinupush ng mga parents ko which I highly appreciate but there's just something in my gut na nagsasabi na parang niloloko ko lang yung sarili ko kung dito ko pa itutuloy yung next sy ko. I deserve better, for me lang naman. I think transferring to another school will bring me peace, especially sa dami ng issues ng mga kaklase ko. Hindi naman po ako naaapektuhan, siguro nababanas lang ako kasi tuwing nagsesermon na yung mga teacher namin, damay damay lahat. Bulok lang talaga siguro yung sistema ng paaralan na to.
But yung point lang naman talaga dito ay ung grading system. Ang random ng mga issues sorry😭
Ewan ko pero gusto kong mawala bigla (not literally). Phase lang po ba 'to?
I'm not that expressive with my words, nakakahiya as a HUMSS student, sana naintindihan niyo po yung point ko😬

Hey guys to make it quick I’m a HS senior and I was accepted to a Penn State commonwealth campus (Behrend). It’s a good campus for business and I can participate in the 2+2 program. My career aspirations are high finance in NYC. Not only IB but sales/trading, risk management, PE, HF…
I’m here to ask what you guys think about a gap year and in my situation. I’ve been thinking about taking a gap and applying to schools like Rutgers, Baruch, SMU… where it’s overall a better school and they have more opportunities like rutgers quantitative economics or the ability to double major in finance and stats.
I ended last year with around a 3.5 gpa and my grades are trending upwards for the most part (British Lit killing me 😛) and a little above an 1100 SAT. No ECs outside of FBLA this year placing 1st in states.
During the gap year I plan on starting as a universal float at a bank nearby (teller atp). I also plan on pursuing trading futures and learning more about algorithmic trading but idk if this contributes to anything unless I start a million dollar prop shop and put it on my resume 🙈.
So do you guys think I should take a gap year? Are these realistic schools? What schools would I get accepted to that would give me better opportunites?

Hello! I need help finding this video. When I was in 1st or 2nd grade, I remember watching a video where there was a pencil flying slowly around a room with a face on the eraser. He would sing a song too! He would say “hello, to pencil power” and then the video would be about some sort of phonics. I remember one of them being about a girl named Kate. The song lives rent free in my head but nothing comes up in google when I search “hello to pencil power”. Please, anyone who knows what this is, tell me!! 😂

(Heads up, this is a long one as the background is a lot.)
I (22 F) was invited to my friend's baby shower. For fear and to protect myself due to past trauma, let's name her H. H was my friend since middle school. In high school, she dated G and now they are married and are expecting a baby.
Here's some background info. Before H and G started dating, H, our friends, and I found G and his group of friends annoying. All through high school, G and his group kept making fun of me and annoying me just because they had tried to set me up with one of G's friends, who I kept rejecting. (As a 1st gen, my family had me involved in school and I did after-school activities so I could get into good colleges in the future. I focused on school, and I didn't have much time for friends, much less for a guy. I also didn't want a relationship due to a past event.) Well, even after G's friend took the hit, his group wouldn’t leave me alone. My family is fairly known, so everyone knew where we lived. G's group would annoy me at school, which included classes we might’ve had in common, being in the same building, finding me before or after school, and would even drive by my home yelling "That's my girlfriend" at the top of their lungs. H was part of my friend group and she agreed that the guys were being childish and our friend group basically called it harassment. Many times, G's group actually got me in trouble with my parents. My parents would believe them if the group yelled outside the house. The group also called me out on social media once and when I stood up for myself, my family told me to delete what I had commented as they didn't want their perfect girl to be involved in drama. (In my opinion, I don’t think my parents wanted their friends to see the colorful language I used.)
Sometime later, H tells our group that she started dating G. They had ups and downs in the relationship. G cheated, he wasn't winning over H's family and wouldn't put her first in some situations. While they were dating, G and his group kept messing with me. When a friend and I planned lunches with H, the plans would automatically involve G last minute, to which my friend and I decided to stay on campus rather than to go with the "happy couple." My friends and I were convinced we would lose H eventually, which little by little, we did. She tried to convince us that G was changing and was trying to change to win over her parents. According to H, G even started staying after school to talk to teachers to get his grades up. None of us actually believed it as the teasing still continued.
Well, since graduation, I haven't spoken to H, or even texted. You know how it is, you go to college, friends grow distant, and because of assignments, there's rarely any time to hang out with anyone. Before H was married, my family and I would invite her to parties. Now this is where this rule might be an A-Hole move. A rule my family follows is that if you’re invited to an event, but don't show up, you are no longer invited to any other events. I always hated this rule because sometimes things happen. The thing is, with H, she always confirms she'll show up, but never does. I didn't invite her anymore after she didn't show up to any event in 2 years as I began to think I lost a friend as with many others. Well, my mother has actually continued to invite H, even after she was married. H continues with the same routine, confirms but doesn't show. I've told the friends I've made through work and college that I fear that one day H might actually show up to an event with her husband and that the same thing as high school might happen again. My friends tell me that since they actually show up, if anything happens, they'll be there to support me as they know I've changed and see I've become more of a bad b. They say that I shouldn't worry because I'm no longer that shy girl, and that I'm no longer defenseless. My friends have also accompanied me on my healing journey as they know I’ve been going to counseling to get over all this trauma as well as other past events.
Now, for the invite. I'll be honest, I didn't know H was married until she changed her status on social media. Yes, we still follow each other. I didn't think she would’ve ended up with G after everything that happened in their relationship. Months later, maternity pictures were on her page. Sometime later, I got an invite to the baby shower. Now, I know baby shower rules run differently. In Hispanic families, 99% of the time, men are welcome to celebrate as well and it’s not women only. With this, I discussed with my family that I don't want to go because H will have her husband there and G still has his group of friends from what other friends have told me. My mother and sister called me selfish for not going to the party and still living in the past. I told them I understood their point of view, but I told them I didn't want to go to a party where I'd feel uncomfortable. My sister started saying that I was H's friend and that I should be there for her. I then asked her that question about H, stating "Okay then when has she been here for me? She hasn't been to a party or gathering in years when this is the first time she invites me." My sister became silent and went to her room. Later that night, my mom and sister tried to talk to me again. I said no. I told them they could go without me. To make things worse, my family still paints me as the villain. They know I went to counseling, but stopped due to school and work hours. They knew I was basically bullied and harassed at school, and with college and work, I’m also sleep deprived and my health has become a difficult situation in these last few years. My family told me to go as I would want H to show up for me. But here's the thing, she hasn't shown up for me at all. Any question my family tried to throw at me, I threw it back as if they were asking H about me. (Let’s say dinner was silent that night.)
I spoke to my friends and told them everything that had been going on. They agreed that I shouldn't go as they know I'm not ready to see H or G. They told me that if I was going to be uncomfortable, I shouldn't go. Since they knew about my mental journey, they reminded me that my counselor told me to take things slowly. They said that if I decide to go, to contact our group, and that some of them will accompany me to the baby shower to make sure I stay safe. I thanked them for that and I told them I would update them if anything happened. I asked my grandmother as I wanted the point of view of someone with more life experience. Even she told me not to go and let my mother and sister go alone. She told me that if I'm uncomfortable, she sees no point in siding with her daughter (my mom) when she'd rather protect me, her granddaughter. I did tell her my friends’ plan. She liked it. My grandmother also knows that because of this situation, my blood pressure might get high again. She told me that if I go with my friends, to take my medication and to tell my friends where I’ll have it in case things go wrong, as she fears I might get a panic attack (I’ve only had one) and she trusts my friends as she’s met them (before my parents). (I don’t take my medication every day as it makes me sleepy, tired, or dizzy. I also don’t take it if there’s a party so I can drink alcohol if I choose to.)
I know that some might think I'm punishing my friend for something she technically had no control over as people marry who they want and she wasn’t part of the bullying, but I don't want to be at the baby shower and risk getting made fun off again by her husband and his friends. I also find baby showers boring. Some might think that I’m holding on to a grudge, but this harassment causes fear as I had also been through worse bullying experiences when I was a child. (I was bullied from 5th grade for being small, all through middle school for being small, people thinking I had money (when I didn’t), having a rolling backpack due to back problems, and then harassed by G’s group in high school.) I don’t know what to do as my mother and sister are still pressuring me. My friends have considered taking me out on the day of the baby shower. They know my family wants me to go out with friends more, so my friends plan on telling my family that it’s a “graduation celebration” before the actual graduation party scheduled a week later since some “won’t make it” ha ha. My friends are truly amazing! I am willing to accept judgment, but I need insight. AITA for not going to the baby shower?
PS: Will probably give an update after the baby shower date. I don’t use my computer much since it’s partially broken.

Hello everyone, A Little summary of my schooling to make you understand better about my case so maybe if at least even one of you can help me here
I have completed my 10th grade in the form of Cambridge IGCSE (basically 10th but from UK system, which is very popular in the and in India and is accepted) in the year of 2021
now, In my grade 11th. I shifted back to a CBSE school in Science stream and got less percentage mainly due to JEE prep being poor (I got 83% in Class 11th in PCM and 76% Overall in all 5 subjects) and I completed in April 2022)
Now for 12th grade, I once again changed schools and this time. I went to a State board school (Gujarat state board). However, when my 12th Board exams happened. i was very sick due and my health was very low and thus my 12th exam went bad and I was only able to get 66% in PCM subjects which are used for admission into Gujarat's colleges.
Thus I decided to give 12th class again and so I filled out the improvement form which required to give up my 12th result (where i got 66% marks) and thus it was now invalid (this was 2023)
in simple terms, I had to give my class 12th exams again like how a fresh student would and my former class 12th result's record no longer exist. so, now in 2024 I again gave my class 12th exams and was able
to achieve 96% in PCM and 93% overall, I was quite satisfied with it.
But I came to know of Germany and thus I was interested in that now. I want to study Mechanical Engineering there in TUM or KIT as those are part of TU9 and I like the cities as well
So as 12th class result is not sufficient for admission into German unis. I have to came know about the International A Levels (basically the same UK system in which i did 10th, now A Levels basically mean grade 12th). those can be used for direct admission.
and I most likely willl take them in oct-nov 2024 session and get my results in jan 2025 and will have about 9 months before i go to germany
Now there are several doubts of mine here:-
(1) How will my APS work if I have 12th result and A Level (A Level will be used for direct admission)
(2) Will this create problems in VISA or not
(3) has anyone u know or u yourself have took the path of Germany through A Levels
(4). my school leaving certificate is of 2023 only, as I gave 12th exam in 2024 as improvement exam and thus my school is not there now
(5) will I also have to TestAS in this case of me giving A Levels or not?
(6) do u need language certificate for APS compulsorily or nor
I will actually be starting my uni in India right now in August in Comp Sci (my father won't understand for Mech Eng in India, he says you can take Mech Eng in Germany only and that too he will consider first if he wants or no).
I know i can go to germany after 1st year if i wanna continue with CS but that route will be more hectic and less time for me. unlike here in case of giving A Levels. where i will have results in Jan 2025 and will be able to have good time for APS, Visa and uni application
I am already on B1 level (I came to know of germany in October 2023 and started with german after that).
hopefully by Feb 2025. I will get TestDAF (16/20) as well
my_qualifications: 10th (IGCSE) in 2021
11th (CBSE) in 2022
12th (Gujarat state board) in 2024 officially, 2023 one does not count and is invalid now

Have: Base Set Charizard PSA 8. Very well kept, Holo field is pretty clean! See centering, and only a few white blips on the back edges, honestly Excellent shape.
1st Edition Shadowless Machamp PSA 7. Front is almost flawless. Holo field is pretty clean. Back has some edge wear but doesn’t detract from the appeal.
1st Edition Flareon PSA 6. Beauty of card, a little bit of edge wear but nothing unforgivable. The back has some spots opted not to clean or remove when grading. I thought this graded low and I think you will too
https://imgur.com/a/nfDWeVu
Want: Paypal Charizard $600 Machamp $100 Flareon $100
Ship $10USPS priority, and I’ll pay insurance.
I’ve one completed sale here on pkmtcg but I have over 20+ precious metals sales on pmsforsale with 100% positive feedback, u can check my feedback there.

I was wondering where to get my collection appraised I have a really large collection 85% are 8 or 9 grade in my opinion u have 3 complete full original sets(3. 5 a nd 8). Although I have no 1st series but a few good 2nd series including a mint 10 "Bad breath seth!" I also like to State that none have been graded and been kept in sleeves in 2 binders 1 all just a and b cards only and one just duplicates . Well over 2000 cards. So Any help what to do, appraisal? sell individualy? suggestions needed desperately .

I’ve been struggling with acne ever since grade 9. It was never really really bad where I considered taking Accutane however it was always there and my parents were always telling me to take it. I exhausted every other option and medication throughout all those years (I just finished my 1st year of uni). I spend thousands of dollars on skin care products and while my face never fully cleared it would go through stages where it cleared enough for me to be okay with it. Fast forward to grade 12, my face really broke out in result to threading it , and it took a big toll on me so I decided to see a dermatologist to ask for tretinoin, which would be my last resort before Accutane.
When I started tret it did clear up my face but not how I wanted. So after about 6 months or more on tret I finally decided to just suck it up and go on Accutane. My brother went on it as well and it cleared his face great and he never noticed any side effects.
It’s been since February 1st 2024 and I’m on my 2 weeks into my fourth month. While Accutane has absolutely cleared my skin amazingly I have been dealing with sooo many effects. My doctor started me on 40mg off the bat (she said the 20mg is kinda pointless derms are saying to just start off 40 to speed up the process).
Month one (40mg): my lips were dry but it wasn’t horrible, I was getting weird chest pains every now and then, my lower back pain was definitely there but wasn’t debilitating, my hair line was slightly thinning, my nose was constantly bloody but not runny it was just like chunks of blood, and my excema flared up majorly. My face is also always flushed and red lol.
Month two (40mg) : same same, my nose started hurting to like touch and push up, it’s started getting stuffy allll the time, back pain was still prominent, excema still really bad, skin very sensitive, my mood went crazy. I started getting less motivated and way more agitated, my patience lowered more than it usually is and I found I was getting angry quicker. I was already depressed lol so i dont know if it made it worse or not cause it’s normal. My hips were extremely tight and sore. And i dont know if this correlated but my nose started to always be moist. Like always wet for no reason. And a lot of farting to be honest.
I also don’t know if this has any correlation but I’m a very active person and Accutane has made me excessively sweaty. I could just be sitting in my bed and my hands will be drenched in sweat which is so out of the ordinary
Pros: Lips were not too dry, face was glowing, I didn’t get much of a purge at all, nose got smaller and eyelashes a little longer, back and chest acne cleared.
Month three and 2 weeks into four is when it got pretty rough. I got started on 60mg and I noticed:
-my lips significantly dryer it’s killing me -my back pain has been absolutely horrible I can barley do anything - major headaches - my hair is so much thinner and fragile in comparison to my usual thick curly hair -my nose is always wet, stuffy, and bloody - my excema is horrible -my skin cut so much easier it was so sensitive and thin - sweaty - same nose shit -my eyes burn a lot and get heavy quicker
Now how I battled these side effects

• dry lips = aquaphor and Vaseline layered -nose nothing -back pain = pills and heating pad and rest
• hair thinning= less heat, fable and mane hair oil every hair day shower, less slick backs, less shampoo, hair masks. It still hasn’t helped much to be honest but I’m hoping it will go back to normal when I’m off it. -excema= prescribed meds and excema relief euricine cream

Stretching hydrating resting and gaslighting myself to believe that it’s not that deep and it’s all a mind game. The side effects will only come if you think of them.
My skin care routine is my holy grail. My face is sooo hydrated and glowy and I honestly give credit to my routine. It’s plain and simple.
Morning - rinse with water and dr.jart moisturizer and clarins sun screen
Night- la Roche pose cleanser, first aid beauty moisturizer, sometimes I put on Mederma scar cream but the absolute must is the la Roche pose c3 balm. That shit Is amazing and I’ve been using it for monthssss.
My predicament is that I’m going back gone to leb in July (their hottest month) and that would also be my last month on this cycle. I really wanna tan and stuff so how bad is the sun on Accutane? Also I’m also considering maybe stopping a month early? Do you guys think that’s a bad idea and will get rid of all my progress?
My doctors said a cycle is 6 months but the derms are saying to do an additional 2 to cement the process. But I don’t want to because if so harsh.
What do you guys think?

I'm currently working on designing a writing curriculum for primary grades. It includes mini-units that explicitly teach various foundational skills that teachers can choose from, such as how to write a simple sentence. Each mini-unit is about 12-15 days long, with 3-6 DI style lessons and the rest are lessons for fluency, games, activities, and skills practice.
As a teacher implementing something like this, would you prefer the 3-6 lessons to be more scripted (telling you what to explicitly say, ask, have students discuss, etc), or would you prefer more unscripted with a general description of what to do, what to discuss, with suggested questions to use?
Thank you!

Ever since I was 12yrs old in the 6th grade, I’ve been very insecure about how I walked and it’s gotten worse over the years. I’m now 24 still beating myself up emotionally. In the beginning I would think things like “Am I an idiot?, What am I doing Wrong?” Surprisingly, I even went the empathetic route at one point and thought “I probably look goofy as hell to others.” And to the people who didn’t laugh I thought “When they asked their friends (Why do I walk like that?) it’s probably out of concern.”
During High School, I even opened up to my parents and a few friends about it for help. My dad told me to “walk with more confidence.” Which made me look even weirder to random students in the hallways. When I complained to my friends about it one of them basically said “You came into the chat like your life is sooooo hard lol.” Which definitely pissed me off, so I stopped texting. 2 of my closest friends at the time also shared that they walked weird which was funny cause I never noticed till they said it. Even with us being similar I still felt alone because they were so nonchalant and chill about it while on the inside I was suffering (idk if it was the same for them). I almost forgot to mention that their were a lot of times that one of my friends and some people in our neighborhood would laugh at and make fun of my walk from time to time (which would be especially humiliating in front of girls). I don’t hate my old friend, because to his credit he did ask me genuinely why I walked the way I did when we were by ourselves, but I was too ashamed to ask him how I looked from his perspective. From the few times I did ask friends they said my arms were stiff, my walk was slow and I dragged my feet a lot.
After High School, a few years passed and I’ve had a few jobs where people would talk about me and I’d act like I couldn’t hear them.
In present day it’s gotten so bad that sometimes my brain hears distant chatter from tv and somehow makes it sound like someone said “Why do you walk like that?” I don’t even want to go anywhere most of the time because the low to mid level anxiety eats away at me to the point where I stiffen up and I take more shallow breathes. Today when I went to check the mail and take out the trash I heard a neighbor (who I previously heard talking about me) laugh loud asf as soon as he saw me walking. There have also been family members in the past few years that would laugh at my walk when thought I wasn’t paying attention. A few days ago it happened when seeing my cousins.
My “plan of attack” for my problem up till now was:

1. Correcting my walk myself
   
2. DoN’t CaRe WhAt OtHeRs ThInK
   
3. Try to see through my commenters points of view
   
   1. Watch YouTubers like Todd Martin M.D. to help with walking techniques.
   2. Meditate
   3. Seeking help from Chiropractor (progress: 1st adjustment completed).

I’m still kinda doing number 7 which is anger, hatred, bitterness, etc. from 1-5 not getting rid of my emotions towards my walk. Meditation is a little effective (and I do mean little) but I still feel like a clown and a complete idiot whenever I go somewhere. The hate I have is towards how weak I think I am for having this insecurity, how I let people get in my head this much, people who made fun of me for a quick laugh multiple times, and human nature itself.
This last part is definitely unhealthy but the way my brain sees this is: “Damned if I do try to change my walk by myself, damned if I don’t. Pretending I don’t hate people doesn’t help at all. Whether I vent to friends and family or not at the end of the day they can’t help me. I feel like 90% of the population are assholes so expect the worse out of people you encounter and let them show you their true nature. Even if the chiropractors fix your gait issues you’ll probably still be hearing insult in your head. Whether you be positive, neutral or hate your walking problems won’t lessen so you might as well be candid about having a “fuck you” attitude to big mouthed douchebags. Wishing the worst on people is a cowardly action and forgiveness “not for them, but for you” for repeated offenders is BULLSHIT!
Finally, if you have any advice that can help me cope with this negative mindset I’d appreciate it!

For thousands of years, and to this day, Christians of various kinds have tried to demonstrate the truth of Christianity by claiming that Jesus was prophesied about specifically in the Hebrew Scriptures. It is argued that Jesus fulfilled these prophecies about the Messiah in the OT and, therefore, is the promised one. Only Jesus could've fulfilled these Messianic prophecies, so they say. Additionally, Christian theology, building off the NT paradigm of quoting the OT, has claimed that the OT looks forward to the founding of Christianity and the formation of the Church.
What this post will argue is that this is anachronistic and that Christians are incorrect in their claims about the OT. The OT prophets do not look forward to a supposed Messiah figure who would arrive hundreds of years later in 1st century Roman Palestine or that this Messiah figure would crucified and raised from the dead. Nor do they prophesy the establishment of the Christian religion. Instead, the OT looks forward to an imminent, glorious, material restoration of ancient Israel meant to happen in their day, not centuries later when Christianity was founded. Nor is the OT looking forward to supposed events that have yet to happen, like the second coming of Jesus or a future restoration of the land of Israel. These were supposed to happen in ancient Israel but did not occur.
Before I begin, I would like to say that this is the consensus of biblical scholars and historians. This is not just my opinion or the opinion of secular skeptics. All critical scholars of the OT, including Jews, Christians, and non-religious ones, agree that OT needs to be understood in its ancient Israelite context. They agree that these texts and oracles are not about Jesus or the Church. If you want to read an excellent scholarly resource, I highly recommend John J. Collins, Introduction to the Hebrew Bible, 2018. He is a leading OT scholar at Yale and a Roman Catholic. The New Oxford Annotated Study Bible is also a beneficial resource, giving a critical scholarly introduction and notes to the Hebrew Bible.
For this post, I will look at some of the principal prophetic literature of the OT. I cannot analyze every single relevant passage.

Isaiah

The Book of Isaiah is among the most popular books in ancient Judaism and Christianity. I could be wrong, but I believe it is the most cited book in the NT after Psalms. This is relevant to this discussion because Christians cite many passages in Isaiah, believing them to be predictions about Jesus. This precedent is set in the NT, for example, in Matthew's or Luke's gospel. However, Jesus/Christianity is not prophesied in the book. Instead, Isaiah predicts the imminent restoration of the Kingdom of Israel and the gathering of the twelve tribes.
Let's examine Isaiah 7:14, a passage often misconstrued as a prophecy about Jesus. In reality, it's not a prophecy about the Messiah at all. The passage states, 'Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Look, the young woman is with child and shall bear a son and shall name him Immanuel.' This is not about a virgin giving a miraculous birth. The word used here is 'almah ', which simply means young woman. If Isaiah intended to convey that this woman was a virgin, there was a word for that, 'betulah '. Matthew's use of the Greek translation of Isaiah 7:14, which is a mistranslation of the Hebrew, as a prophecy about Jesus's virgin birth is a misinterpretation. The context of Isaiah 7 is an oracle of consolation given to King Ahaz, promising him a sign through the birth of a son that Jerusalem will be preserved from the Assyrian crisis.
'For before the child knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good, the land before whose two kings you are in dread will be deserted. The Lord will bring on you and on your people and on your ancestral house such days as have not come since the day that Ephraim departed from Judah—the king of Assyria. On that day the Lord will whistle for the fly that is at the sources of the streams of Egypt and for the bee that is in the land of Assyria. And they will all come and settle in the steep ravines and in the clefts of the rocks and on all the thornbushes and on all the watering holes. On that day the Lord will shave with a razor hired beyond the River—with the king of Assyria—the head and the hair of the feet, and it will take off the beard as well.'
So, Isaiah 7:14 refers to the Assyrian crisis in the 8th century BCE and the preservation of Jerusalem, not events that occurred hundreds of years later. Matthew's misquotation of the OT is a clear example of misinterpretation. It's quite ironic and even amusing that the most famous and well-known prophecy about Jesus's virgin birth, cited every year at Christmas, is quite literally not about that. This highlights the importance of understanding the historical context and the original intent of the texts.
There is a cluster of oracles in Isaiah 9-11 that Christians cite as a prophecy about Jesus. But when we look at the context of Isaiah 7-12, we see that these are about the restoration of Zion and the re-establishment of a Davidic king who would rule in the ancient Near East in Israel, not in 1st-century Judea.
Let's look at some of the famous passages.
'For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders, and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Great will be his authority, and there shall be endless peace for the throne of David and his kingdom. He will establish and uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time onward and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this.' 9:6-7
This is not a prophecy about Jesus. The text presupposes that this son is already born and will fulfill this vision in Isaiah's day. Again, the passages surrounding this one set the historical context for fulfillment in the ANE. This Davidic King would preside over the physical restoration of a united Kingdom of Israel and the unification of the twelve tribes.
'On that day, the remnant of Israel and the survivors of the house of Jacob will no longer lean on the one who struck them but will lean on the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, in truth. A remnant will return, the remnant of Jacob, to the mighty God. For though your people, O Israel, were like the sand of the sea, only a remnant of them will return.' 10:20-22
'On that day, the root of Jesse shall stand as a signal to the peoples; the nations shall inquire of him, and his dwelling shall be glorious. On that day, the Lord will again raise his hand to recover the remnant that is left of his people from Assyria, from Egypt, from Pathros, from Cush, from Elam, from Shinar, from Hamath, and from the coastlands of the sea.' 11:10-11
The King, through Yahweh, on that day will also,
'raise a signal for the nations and will assemble the outcasts of Israel and gather the dispersed of Judah from the four corners of the earth. ¹³ The jealousy of Ephraim shall depart; the hostility of Judah shall be cut off; Ephraim shall not be jealous of Judah, and Judah shall not be hostile toward Ephraim. ¹⁴ But they shall swoop down on the backs of the Philistines in the west; together, they shall plunder the people of the east. They shall put forth their hand against Edom and Moab, and the Ammonites shall obey them.'
So, it's clear what these oracles were intending to describe. Isaiah predicted that after the Assyrian crisis of the 8th century BCE, Yahweh would raise up a Davidic ruler who would preside over a literal Israelite Kingdom that would become the dominant power of the ANE. This was expected to happen in the ancient world, but it did not occur. The historical context of Jesus and the first-century Church is not the fulfillment of these oracles. These oracles are failed. Isaiah's vision of an eternal, glorious Israelite Kingdom did not come to pass.

Jeremiah

There are two passages in Jeremiah I would like to discuss.
Jeremiah 29:10 promises that after 70 years, the Jews will return from the Babylonian exile, and God will restore Israel to its former glory.
'For thus says the Lord: Only when Babylon’s seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then, when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.'
This never happened historically. Yes, some of the Judeans in exile did return to Israel. Israel was rebuilt with the help of the Persians. But, this was not the glorious restoration predicted by the prophets. Israel would continue to be dominated by foreign powers until the establishment of the secular state of Israel in 1948, which, of course, has no relevance to this ancient oracle. Further, while some Judeans did return, this promise of a gathering of Jews from all the nations did not happen. After the Assyrian and Babylonian conquests, Jews have remained permanently dispersed in the diaspora. This is another failed oracle. It cannot be interpreted exegetically as being fulfilled in the 1st century with Jesus and Christianity.
More famously, however, is Jeremiah's prediction of the establishment of a 'New Covenant.' (31:31) Christians see this New Covenant as being fulfilled in the Church, and indeed, the New Testament frequently refers to the New Covenant being fulfilled in the Christian community and Jesus's work. However, the historical context of this passage is surrounded by a cluster of oracles in chapters 30-31 that were meant to be a consolation to ancient Israel. The passage itself is clear that this is not talking about Christianity or events hundreds of years later, but is a word of consolation to Jews who experienced the Babylonian conquest:
'The days are surely coming, says the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah.' 31:31
What is the context?
'At that time, says the Lord, I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they shall be my people.' 31:1
'The days are surely coming, says the Lord, when the city shall be rebuilt for the Lord from the tower of Hananel to the Corner Gate. And the measuring line shall go out farther, straight to the hill Gareb, and shall then turn to Goah. The whole valley of the dead bodies and the ashes and all the fields as far as the Wadi Kidron, to the corner of the Horse Gate toward the east, shall be sacred to the Lord. It shall never again be uprooted or overthrown.' 31:38-40
'For the days are surely coming, says the Lord, when I will restore the fortunes of my people, Israel and Judah, says the Lord, and I will bring them back to the land that I gave to their ancestors, and they shall take possession of it' 30:3
Then, it is clear what prophesy about the New Covenant means. It's about the imminent restoration of the ancient Kingdom of Israel and its ascent into power and glory. Again, these oracles remained unfulfilled and precisely falsified.

Micah

There is one famous passage in Micah 5, quoted in Matthew and frequently cited by Christians as "proof" that Jesus's birth location was prophesied about hundreds of years prior. The idea that Jesus was born in Bethlehem is, of course, historically dubious. Matthew and Luke's accounts are contradictory and rife with historical problems. Mark and John assume Jesus has always been a native of Nazareth (Mk 6:2-3, Jn 1:46, 7:42). It seems then that Matthew and Luke invented their passages about Jesus being born in Bethlehem to give him more Davidic status. But this is beside the point, even if Jesus was born in Bethlehem. It is not a fulfillment of this passage.
'But you, O Bethlehem of Ephrathah, who is one of the little clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to rule in Israel, whose origin is from of old, from ancient days.' 5:2
What is the historical context of this oracle? Again, the context of the chapter and the book is Israel's restoration and the Israelite kingdom's imminent establishment.
'Then, the remnant of Jacob, surrounded by many peoples, shall be like dew from the Lord, like showers on the grass, which do not depend upon people or wait for any mortal. ⁸ And among the nations the remnant of Jacob, surrounded by many peoples, shall be like a lion among the animals of the forest, like a young lion among the flocks of sheep, which, when it goes through, treads down and tears in pieces, with no one to deliver. ⁹ Your hand shall be lifted up over your adversaries, and all your enemies shall be cut off.'
On that day, says the Lord, I will cut off your horses from among you and will destroy your chariots; ¹¹ and I will cut off the cities of your land and destroy all your strongholds; ¹² and I will cut off sorceries from your hand, and you shall have no more soothsayers; ¹³ and I will cut off your images and your pillars from among you, and you shall bow down no more to the work of your hands; ¹⁴ and I will uproot your sacred poles^\)g^\) from among you and destroy your towns. ¹⁵ And in anger and wrath I will execute vengeance on the nations that did not obey.
What about this future King? Again, I find it amusing that Christians cite this text to show that Jesus fulfilled it. It shows they have not read and understood the historical context of the oracle. The text goes on to say that this King will conquer the land of Assyria, the land of Nimrod.
Micah 5:5–6
'When the Assyrians come into our land and tread upon our soil, we will raise against them seven shepherds and eight rulers. They shall rule the land of Assyria with the sword and the land of Nimrod with the drawn sword; he shall rescue us from the Assyrians if they come into our land or tread within our border.'

Conclusion

I've, of course, been very selective. There are many more examples of this that could've been pulled from. I hope you will see what I've briefly tried to show. The Prophets of the OT predicted that in their own time, they would see the salvation of Yahweh as their God. A Davidic King would be raised, and Israel would be restored to glory after the Assyrian crisis in the case of Isaiah or the Babylonian crisis in the case of Jeremiah and Micah. The same goes for the other prophets. My thesis, then, is that historically understood, not only did these oracles fail in their prediction, but they are demonstrably not about events in 1st century Roman Palestine or the wider Greco-Roman world. They're not about establishing the Church or a dying and rising messiah figure who brings spiritual salvation. Yes, the NT does interpret passages in the OT as being fulfilled in Jesus. But they are taken out of their historical context. The NT and early Christians were not novel in this practice. This was standard Jewish exegesis of the OT. Because Christians and Jews believed that the OT writings were sacred scripture that couldn't be wrong, they reinterpreted them in the light of their situations. The Essenes at Qumran, like the early Christians, also thought that their community and Teacher of Righteousness was the fulfillment of the bible prophecy, and the Rabbis in the Rabbinic literature frequently apply ancient scripture to their community.

31F non smoking, not drinking, 130lbs at 28 weeks pregnant, 5'2". Diagnosed with PCOS before pregnancy, no medication besides prenatal vitamins from Nature Made brand. 1st pregnancy. In the US but English is not my native language.
30 weeker boy, 3lbs, 16in
It is my first time posting here so I hope it is ok. I have been going through a lot of guilt feelings and I need to understand whether it was my fault or not, whether I was ignorant when I should have been more knowledgeable. My water broke (PPROM) for unknown reason at 28 weeks, the day after an OB visit where everything was deemed good. I was hospitalized in the antenatal unit from there with multiple sonograms done, everything looked ok besides low but acceptable amniotic fluid. When I got admitted I got the magnesium infusion to protect the baby's brain vessels and steroids for the lungs. Plus antibiotics. At 30 weeks, labor started at 6am. Baby was breach, OB team told me they would do a rotation to try to have him head down around 9am. We knew nothing about that, thinking it was just routine, so we just said ok. They did it and baby was still breach. From 9am to 2am (17hours), baby had multiple heart rate drops but nothing alarming according to OB team. Contractions picked up in the afternoon and so did my white blood cell count: I had a placental infection. Around 9pm, they offered me a second rotation, which I kept refusing for hours and requested a C section as I was starting a fever and not feeling good overall. I was also only 4cm dilated. Finally, at 2am, they started preparing for the C-section. Baby was born an hour later, 3lbs and with a huge "tumor" going from his skull, through his back and to his buttock. All of his internal organs were shifted to the right, including the heart. The day/week is a blur as it was so traumatic. My OB called around 9am saying she cannot understand how my baby can have so many anomalies, the sonograms never showed anything abnormal. Several hours later, it turns out the "tumor" is a hematoma. Left lung kept collapsing in the NICU, phrenic nerve was paralyzed, grade 3 IVH. Fast forward a year later, he has cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus. At 12mo, he was diagnosed with craniosynostosis (he had a vault distraction at 13mo to correct it that was very successful), no respiratory issues that we know of. My main question is: is it common to have a rotation harm the baby so much? I had a sonogram the day before labor started and everything looked normal. Did I do something wrong that harmed my baby even though I was just laying in my bed or walking to the bathroom? Would he have been fine (as fine as a 30 weeker can be) without this hematoma? Is IVH grade 3 common at 30 weeks after all the magnesium doses? I have been on antidepressants that really did nothing, I have so much trauma related to my baby's 1st year of life and beyond. I have shed so many tears for inflicting him such a tough start in life. I know I need therapy but when I already have to take my child to medical appointments 3-5 times/week and still working full time, therapy is not something I can add to my schedule for now. I am just trying to understand what I did wrong. Was it bad luck? Was it something I have done? Thank you for taking the time to read me and answer my questions.

sorry if this is vague 😭 but any advice would be appreciated - please be blunt!
Demographics: female, highly competitive public HS
Intended Major(s): Biochem
ACT/SAT/SAT II: 36
UW/W GPA and Rank: 96.7 UW, No rank
Coursework: AP/IB/Dual Enrollment classes, AP/IB scores, etc

• took max APs that school allows per year
• will do two dual enrollment courses senior year
• only 3 years of foreign language and I chose not to take AP Physics (highest completed level wld be honors) :(

Awards:

• coauthor on 2 bio research papers in T10 journals
• 2nd place at state science fair for independent lab research project
• selected to speak at neuroscience conference on published neuro paper I contributed to
• president volunteer award (450+ hours)
• 1st place at citywide HS poetry contest

Extracurriculars: Include leadership & summer activities

• research at lab since ninth grade
• sport team captain
• leadership position in a national tutoring org.
• Founder and President of school STEM Journal Club
• EIC of school poetry magazine
• semi-prestigious (<10% acceptance) stem program

there's a few more small ones but im keeping it vague 🙈
Essays/LORs/Other: Optionally, guess how strong these are and include any other relevant information or circumstances.
Letter 1: (9.5/10), Letter 2: (7/10)
Schools: List of colleges, ED/EA/RD, etc
Chance me on Yale rea, Duke, Chicago, Georgia Tech (oos) , MIT, georgetown, and Princeton please!

Today we begin 1st Samuel Chapter 23.
For the Complete Jewish Bible, click HERE.
For the King James version, click HERE.
At this point, David was hiding out in a part of Judah called the Shephelah.
This long shoreline begins at the Mediterranean and spreads eastward until Judah’s foothills ascend.
David had most likely set up fort in the “Forest” or the “Woods” depending on how you want to translate the area.
Now here’s what’s interesting.
Scholars doubt this area ever existed.
Why?
Because for hundreds of years, there was no forest or heavily wooded area to be found in the region.
Okay, so right here, we run smack dab into a God principle we would be remiss to overlook.
God’s Holy Land ONLY PROSPERS when His People are living there.
It’s time for a little history lesson.
The area we’re talking about used to be filled with trees.
However, the trees were all deliberately chopped down when the area came under Muslim rule from the 8th century.
Why?
Because the Caliphate (a form of Islamic government) ordered a tax charged for every tree on the land.
Much of the land was owned by Muslim landlords who didn’t live there and couldn’t care less about how productive the land was or helping the Caliphate make money.
They ordered the trees to be cut down because no trees meant no taxes.
This caused large areas of forest to disappear.
Without trees, the soil eroded quickly.
Soon, the Holy Land lost most of its plants.
Only poor crops could grow because the topsoil blew away in the dry winds.
Eventually, the land became useless, turning into swamps or deserts.
The situation remained unchanged until God’s people returned.
They started planting trees, and then true to God’s Promise, the land resurrected back to life and became fertile and prosperous again.
This is one history lesson among many why the land of Israel only prospers when God’s Chosen People live there.
Ya feel me?

This is the first time I have written something of this length, and is more of an exercise in self-therapy than anything else. Disclaimer: This story contains conversations about child abuse. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it.
Nathan’s number appeared on my phone screen. I debated whether or not to answer it. We hadn’t been on speaking terms for a while, and while we did keep in touch sporadically, it was usually because of important family issues. I didn’t know of anything happening with mom or dad, nor with Talia or Rio, so I let it go to voicemail. I could always call him back later. I placed the phone back in my pocket, and returned to cleaning my camera. The phone buzzed again. A text message came through. I read the preview line from the home screen. “The city declared eminent domain on the house” I unlocked my phone, read the full text message, and dialed my brother.
I wasn't able to get any closer to the house than a few blocks. Most of the area was blocked off with chain link fencing and construction equipment in preparation for the demolition that was supposed to take place within the coming days. The barriers didn’t prevent people from walking in to the neighborhood, but it hindered scrappers from coming in and stripping the houses of copper wiring and plumbing.
I grabbed my camera bag out of the trunk of my car along with my tripod. I shouldered it and hooked the tripod to my bag. I pulled my water bottle out of the center console and shut the door. I stood next to my car surveying the neighborhood. 12 city blocks of old single family homes comprised the neighborhood where I grew up. Some of the houses had been empty for months, others for years. There was an eerie silence that permeated the still air. I could not hear the familiar sounds of people, pets, or cars. I locked the car and put my keys in my pocket. I patted my jacket down to ensure I had what I needed. After a quick check, I started my walk.
The sidewalk of the old neighborhood streets still bore the familiar cracks and grind marks from years of buckling and remedy. Leaves dropped by the trees still lay scattered all along the pathways and sidewalk. Korina’s house was the first house I encountered as I made my way through a gap in the fence. The yard was overgrown with tall grass and thistle. I could see the faded blue paint of the old house contrasting the green and browns of the lawn. The chain link fence that marked off the corner property was nearly invisible through the thick brush. As I continued walking west towards 110th, I started to feel something was off. The streets seemed wider than I remembered. It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I realized what was different. There were no cars.
The streets here typically had cars lined bumper to bumper in any spot available, and were visible from block to block. The absence of all these vehicles made me realize just how deserted the neighborhood really was. House after house, yard after yard, the telltale signs of desertion reinforced what I could see from the moment I passed the construction fence: This was no longer my neighborhood. There were no signs of life, and no one I could expect to find still here. Abandonment was the new normal here. I continued on, glancing at houses and recalling memories of summer bike rides, and daily walks with dogs I used to have. I remembered walks home from school, and chasing after ice cream trucks when they passed our houses. I smiled a bit as I remembered more and more of my years spent here. I don’t quite know just why I was smiling. There were plenty of bad memories here too. Fights, yelling, being beat up, being robbed. I could remember failed friendships, lost loves, and bitter feelings of failures too.
Still, I felt a certain amount of nostalgia despite the weight of these negative feelings. I almost wanted to experience everything again, although I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way. Concrete, asphalt, billboards and liquor stores were the normal vistas of everyday life. Occasionally, after a good rainstorm, the grey haze of smog would lift, and the mountains would be visible to the north. At least, they would be visible until mid-morning when the exhaust from a million cars covered them behind a veil of pollution.
It wasn’t until the first time I travelled out of the city that I realized there was more to see. Traveling up the coast north along the Pacific Coast Highway introduced me to scenes of deep blue ocean water spanning the width of my vision. Driving up Highway 3 introduced me to the permeating scent of Pine and Fir trees. The two-lane stretch of highway from Portland to Tillamook introduced me to lush green forests that I had only ever read about. When I came home to the same old dirty, dusty concrete and boiling summer asphalt, I had made up my mind. I would do everything it took to leave this place. I would not spend another day longer than was necessary living in cramped quarters and fighting for parking space.
I arrived to the house, and paused at the gate. The house sat in contrast of what the rest of the neighborhood looked like. Instead of overgrown grass and tall weeds all over the place, the landscaping showed signs of relatively recent work. The guava tree in the front lawn still had some fruit ready to be picked, and the avocado tree on the other side of the pathway was still weighed down by its own fruit. Flowers still bloomed in the raised bed in front of the house. My brother had clearly tried to keep up on things until the last possible moment. The house, too, looked better than what I expected after walking up 4 blocks and seeing nothing but dilapidated houses and unkempt yards. I opened the gate and walked up to the small porch. The metal gate that enclosed it was gone having been removed by my brother when he took over the property. It looked nice to see it open instead of the cage it once felt like.
I turned the knob on the door, but it didn't give. Ever a creature of habit, my brother had locked the door when he left. Of course, he did. I sighed and prepared to find another way in when I remembered my parents hiding a spare key. I wasn’t sure if it would still be there, but after running my hands along the back side of the gutter downspout, I was rewarded for my efforts. I unlocked the front door and stepped into the front living room, the sounds of my footsteps and the closing door echoing in the empty space. The room felt both larger and smaller than I remembered it. I suppose it was lack of furniture that made it feel larger, but it still felt smaller than I remember. The result of growing taller throughout the years I suppose. I slowly walked along the slate tile floor towards the central hallway that connected the front of the house to the back bedrooms. I wasn't entirely sure that just because the front door was locked, that there wasn't some squatter looking for a little temporary shelter within the back rooms. I carefully and silently crept step by step towards what used to be the bedroom shared by my sister and me. I stuck my head in and gave the room a cursory glance. It was empty, thankfully. I moved back into the hallway and peered into the bedroom across the hall. This is where both of my brothers had shared a room. It too, was empty save for a few boxes holding hardware and doorknobs from the closet doors of the bedroom. I walked back towards the back of the house where my parent's bedroom was. The walls in the hallway bore the dusty signs where picture once hung. The bedroom door was open. I stepped inside, and looked around. The old avocado paint that my mom had picked out years ago still adorned the walls. Walking further towards the addition that was the small room my grandma and grandpa lived in showed that there was no one here. I breathed a sigh of relief as I set my bag down and set up my tripod. I reached into my bag a pulled out an envelope of old photos. These were old snapshots that we had all taken at some point in time in the house. There were pictures of all of us sitting at the dining room table playing a game of Monopoly. There was a picture of my brother and sister sitting on a couch in the front living room. There was a picture of me hanging on the bars of the front porch. I looked through them all and held them in place in front of me as if I were holding a window to the past.
Each picture made the lump in my throat grow as I started to struggle to control my emotions. There was history here, and soon it would all be gone. This is the place where my parents had raised four kids. They had taken care of my grandparents in their twilight years here. My Aunt and my grandmother had both died in this house. Birthdays, graduation parties, and anniversaries had been celebrated here. The echoes of life had reverberated within the walls of this place. Now, the house sat silent. It would never again know happy screams of kids having a water-balloon war out in the front yard, nor would it hear the cries of anguish as the matriarch of the family passed away surrounded by her family. What once was a home full of life was now just an empty house made of drywall and paint. I sat there for a moment contemplating just how much family history was actually made here. As I thought hard about my siblings and my parents, I felt pained at the thought of our strained relationships. We had all scattered once we had the opportunity to be free of each other. My oldest brother had married and moved away as soon as possible. My sister now lived in northern California. My parents too had moved away. I was now living in Utah. Only my older brother had remained behind. The lump grew larger in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I held back sobs of anger and pain. Why was I hurting? Hadn’t I dealt with these issues already? I walked back to my old bedroom and sat down under the window. I pulled my head down into my knees and cried. I could hear yelling and screaming in my head. Shouting matches between siblings and parents, brothers and sister, rattled inside my brain, making the pain grow. I sat there and cried. I hadn’t cried like this in a long time. Eventually I ran out of tears and tired gasps of sorrow and regret washed over me as a blanket of drowsiness enveloped me. I leaned my head back and fell asleep.
I woke up to the sound of footsteps. It took me a moment to realize what I was hearing and hurriedly stood up. Had someone followed me? I knew the police were patrolling the area sporadically. Had they seen me enter the house? I knew there would be a possibility of getting a trespassing citation, but I figured I could either talk my way out of it seeing as to how I was a former resident, or I could probably fight the citation in court if the judge knew why I was there in the first place. Ultimately, passing through the gate had been a calculated risk that I was willing to take for the sake of my art. I got up from my corner of the room and moved towards the door. If there was someone in the house, I needed to know. I didn’t want my gear to stolen, and if there was a cop in the house, I wanted to ensure I didn’t get shot.
I was greeted by the sight of a startled chubby boy standing on the other side of the door. His round cherubic face was crowned by a head of short curly hair. His hazel green eyes stared widely back at me. He clearly didn’t expect someone to be here in the house. His body recoiled in fear as he cowered back towards the hallway. “Wait, what are you doing here?” I asked as non-threateningly as I could. The boy muttered something that I couldn’t quite make out. “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you” I replied. “Are you here to rob us?” he timidly responded. “Rob you? What are you talking about?” I asked as confusion set in. “What are you doing here?” It was his turn to be confused. “Uh…I….live here?” he replied. “What do you mean you live here? No one lives-“I stopped midsentence. I hadn’t noticed in my initial shock but the room wasn’t the same. A familiar blue couch caught the corner of my eye. In front of that was an old console TV with a partially broken antenna hanging on the wall behind it. I walked further in to the living room to notice wood paneling on the walls. A large mirror hung on the wall to my left. Familiar yellow lamps sat on round drop-leaf tables on either side of the couch. A large hutch sat in one corner, a collection of letters and bills, mail advertisements, and a phone book covered scattered over it. “What just happened?” I asked out loud to no one in particular. I was thoroughly mystified by what my eyes were seeing. I had walked into the house from the front door and had stepped into an empty white room with slate floor tiles, but somehow now found myself in a furnished room with brown carpet that was all so familiar to me, yet was nothing but a distant faded memory. I turned to look at the boy still startled by the intrusion of a strange man looking wildly around the room in total shock.
“You can take what you want, just please let me go. I don’t want problems.” He stated his voice still shrill with anxiety. I blinked a few times as I tried to process just what the heck was going on. I gathered my thoughts as best I could and tried to reassure him. “Kid, I’m not here to rob anyone. I was just-“I shook my head “Where the hell am I? Am I having a dream?” I asked myself. “I must be dreaming. I’m just tired and still sleeping. This is all a dream. Yeah, that’s it.” I needed to sit down. Being back in the old house must have overtaxed my senses, I told myself. I’d having a dream about an old memory. I walked over to the chair next to the couch and sat down. I sunk into it and rested my head back towards the wall.
The boy kept his distance, but sensed I wasn’t there to hurt him. He looked me over with anxious curiosity. He stood at the far end of the couch, examining me while he played out scenarios in his head in preparation for a quick exit. “Why are you in my house?” he asked me. “Dude, this is all just a dream I’m having. I’m not really here.” He reached over to the couch and picked up a pillow. He reared his arm and threw it at me. It landed in my lap. “I don’t know, man. You sure seem to be here.” He said to me. I opened my eyes, startled. I looked down at the pillow he tossed and examined it. I ran my hand over the fabric and felt its texture. I remember this pillow. This was the pillow I would roll under my head as I lay on the couch and watched TV as a kid. A sudden realization hit me as I looked around the room with fresh eyes. No longer was I blinded by the fog of confusion. I knew exactly where I was.
I was home.
I looked at the boy still standing at the edge of the couch. I looked him over and realized who he actually was. I stared in disbelief as I smiled and tried to put him at ease. “It’s ok Johnny. I’m not here to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you. Please, sit down” I told him. I motioned to his end of the couch. “Who are you, and why are you here?” he asked me.
“This will be hard to believe, but I’m you” I said with an incredulous tone, “I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I’m here.” He looked at me as I had grown a second head. “That doesn’t make any sense. How could you be me? Did we invent time travel? Oh! Are we secret government agents with the CIA?”
I chuckled. “Wait, wait, wait. Let’s start at the beginning. I’m you at 38 years old. You’re…what, 11… 12 years old? It makes sense. I fell asleep under the window in my- our old bedroom. I didn’t come here on purpose or in a machine. And no, I’m not a government agent.” His face contorted to display understanding, disappointment and finally suspicion. His eyes narrowed as he leaned in towards me. “How do I know you’re really me?” he asked. I thought about it for a moment. How could I prove to him that I was who I said I was? A few seconds of silence settled between us. I stroked my chin, thinking of a solution.
“I have a better idea. Ask me questions that only you know the answers to.” “Okay” he responded. He glanced around the room trying to come up with something. His eyes fixated on the Nintendo sitting under the TV cabinet. “What game do me and Nathan have a map of?” I looked over at the NES. I hadn’t thought about this for years, but I knew instantly what he was asking. “YOU don’t have anything. Nathan is the one that made the map for Section Z” His jaw dropped. He tried to trick me, but his plan failed. He knew well and good that Nathan never let him play. It was always ‘I’ll let you play when I die’ or, ‘you can play when I’m done’. The problem was that he never followed through. Usually by the time Nathan was done, the NES was overheated, and the game would no longer load until it cooled down. By that point, it was time for bed.
“How do you know that?” he asked in astonishment. “I know these things because I’m you. Just like I know that you wear t-shirts to the pool because you’re embarrassed by what others will think of your body. I know that you used to think that people that die off in movies were prisoners that were set to be executed from death row, so they used them for making movies. I know all about you because I’m you”
Johnny sat on the end of the couch in bewilderment, his mouth slightly agape. He had never told anyone any of this. He didn’t have any close friends to talk to about such things, and those friends he did have were more acquaintances than friends. There was only one way he could possibly know these things. He was talking to his future self.
I could see Johnny’s mind completely explode. There lay endless possibility and the answers to a million questions he could ask about his own future. He started to ask a question, only to stop, close his mouth, and try asking another. I knew if he kept this up he would have a stroke or something. “Dude, calm yourself. Let’s talk this out rationally, otherwise you’ll end up stroking out or something.” I told him. He took a deep breath and I could hear him muttering quietly. I knew he was trying to form a coherent sentence before he actually spoke it. I did it all the time. “Ok, first of all, are we rich?” he asked with tempered expectation. I chuckled and grinned back at him. “No, not at all. If I was rich, would I be dressed like this?” I replied as I motioned to my beat up brown Vans and worn out jeans and T-shirt. “We-, I – make enough to get by. I’m not poor, but I earn enough to pay the bills.” His face grew a smirk as he commented “Yeah, I figured. What do I do for work? I mean, what do you do for work?” I thought about it for a second. I wondered how much information I should divulge to a younger me. I still didn’t think this whole situation was really happening, but if it was, I probably should proceed with caution. “Well, it’s complicated. I do a little bit of everything. You know how you’re constantly taking things apart? Let’s just say that it’s good to put them back together in order to keep them working. Take good notes on paper if you need to, and make sure you have a clean work area so you can keep track of all the parts.” He gave me a sheepish look. He knew exactly what I was talking about. I had spent countless hours sneaking dad’s tools to my room so I could figure out how something was built and try to figure out how it worked. I had gotten myself into some pretty bad trouble with dad over a drill, his timing light, and other stuff I had taken from his room. His belt had become quite familiar with my butt cheeks.
I gave him a knowing smile. “What else do you want to know?” He thought about it for a second. “Do we have a girlfriend?” I laughed, probably a little more than I should have because his face contorted into a sour frown. “You don’t need to be a jerk about it” he scowled. I continued to chuckle. “Yeah we have a girlfriend. We have more than a girlfriend” I could tell he was irritated with my vague indirect answers. I knew what he was asking. I remember the crush I had on my neighbor across the street. We had been friends since kindergarten, and had been classmates for 1st, 2nd, and 4th grades. We got along really well, and I knew from around 12 or 13 that I wanted to be her boyfriend. Unfortunately, things never progressed beyond the ‘just friends’ stage of things. It wasn’t from lack of effort on my part. We had just grown up together most of our lives that she didn’t see me as anything more than a brother and friend. “Dude, look. You just started to go through changes and you are starting to notice girls, but that doesn’t mean that you need to love every girl that shows you a little kindness or subtle interest. You need to slow down and let things happen naturally. You can’t force a relationship with someone.” Johnny pondered these words for a moment. I sat back and put my feet up on the coffee table. I looked around the room some more while I waited for another question. There was so much I had forgotten, but being back here had unlocked more and more memories that continued to wash over me. I was trying to hold on to my cool as not all those churned up recollections were pleasant. I stood up and walked over to the front door to peer outside the small central window embedded into the center of it. I could see the old neighborhood as I remembered it all those years ago. The lot across the street that served as a parking area for those that worked at the wheel works at the end of the block was empty of cars. I furrowed my brow as I thought for a moment. An empty lot meant it was afterhours or the weekend.
The gears in my own head started turning. “Wait, where is everyone?” I asked Johnny. Johnny turned to look at me still processing my last response. “Uh..oh, Mom and dad are out of town. They took a trip east this time. I think Rio said they are in Arizona right now. Rio and Nathan went out to get some food and to rent some movies from Video Showcase. Knowing them they’ll eat out first. Talia is staying over at Tia Rosie’s place today with her friends.” I grunted at his response. My mind was wandering as he mentioned Talia and Tia Rosie.
A sudden sharp pain pieced my heart. The pain of a thousand memories now unsealed spilled out from the box I had locked them away in. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes as I turned back to look at Johnny. He felt it too. He stared at the floor with an intensity that made me think it would burst into flames at any moment. I walked back over to him and sat next to him. He didn’t move. I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he threw himself into me. I could feel the tears dripping onto me as he sobbed intensely. “Hey man, its ok. It’s going to be ok.” I said as my own tears started to flow uncontrollably. I pulled him close and draped my other arm around him.
I knew the pain he was feeling. It was such a heavy burden, and I knew there was no one he felt he could talk to. I remembered it all so vividly. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity. When we finally stopped sobbing, and our noses ran dry, we tried to breathe our way through to calmness. I got up and knelt in front of him. “Johnny, listen to me and remember what it is that I’m about to say to you. You are stronger than you think. You are stronger than you believe. NO ONE should ever have to go through this. Just because it happened to Talia, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it any longer. I know you didn’t think it was wrong, but I’m telling you that what she is doing to you is wrong. Talking to mom and dad isn’t going to make them hate you. You are not doing this to her, she is doing it to you. I’m not making excuses for her, but she is also more damaged than anyone realizes, and she is also dealing with the same level of pain you are. Remember that we do unto others what has been done to us. That doesn’t mean we need to continue the cycle of abuse” The lump in my throat grew immense at my own statement. I swallowed it as best I could and continued “You are going to deal with this pain a little bit at a time, and you’ll slowly get over this. It’s like a broken bone. When it happens, you don’t realize how bad the pain is until the adrenaline wears off, but then the immense pain is there. Just remember that this will pass. Just like a broken bone, you will heal over time, and one day, you will realize that the pain is gone and the bone is no longer broken. You’ll remember the pain, but it won’t hurt anymore.”
Johnny sat there in stunned silence. I knew he didn’t have anyone to help him through this. He couldn’t talk to Rio or Nathan about what was going on. Mom and Dad were constantly working to keep the family fed and sheltered and while they provided materially for their kids, emotional help was less available. Perhaps it was due to their energies being divided into 4 kids, a mortgage and multiple jobs, or perhaps it was also the culture of not talking about problems. Either way, they needed to know what was happening. They wouldn’t be able to fix it otherwise. “They’re going to be mad at me” he finally said after a few moments of silence. “No they won’t be. They love us all. I know you’re not used to hearing it, but they do love you. Everything they do is because of their love for us. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Telling them isn’t going to cause them to be angry.” I thought for a moment to find a good analogy. “You love Odie and Lady, right?” He nodded in agreement. “Ok, how would you feel if you knew someone you trusted was coming to the house and beating up our dogs when we weren’t around?” He thought about it for a second before his face changed to anger. “I’d want to kill them!” “Yes, but would you also feel sad that you weren’t there to try to protect them?” I reasoned. His face changed again. He understood what I was saying. Mom and Dad would be angry, but not necessarily at him. They would also feel a great sadness knowing that someone was hurting their child.
I smiled at him. He understood. I nodded. “Dude…You’re going to come to understand that life is not what you think it will be. Life is messy and can change in an instant. The plans you make today may not make it to next week. A lifelong goal can be derailed because of something out of your control. Mom and dad have spent their life protecting us with the goal of keeping us safe, but circumstances out of their control have affected their kids, and now we- you all have to deal with the fallout. Just remember that you are not the culprit. Yes, mom and dad will be hurt and angry, but not at you. Trust them. They don’t do things to hurt us” Johnny hugged me. I- He didn’t have many people he could trust and open up to. He liked to talk a lot about everything going on in his life, no matter how trivial. Everything, except this. This was a shameful topic, and he didn’t feel like anyone would understand why he didn’t go to an adult sooner. The problem was simple. He simply didn’t understand that it was wrong. Now that he had an adult that he could talk to, himself no less, he wanted to lift this burden off his shoulders. He was happy to have found someone and he hugged me tightly. I hugged him back just at tightly. It wasn’t every day that I could meet my younger self and help to comfort them. “Thank you” he said to me.
The world darkened, and everything faded to black.
I lifted my head out of my knees and looked around. I was sitting under the window in my old bedroom again. Had I fallen asleep? I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. I was emotionally drained and incredibly tired. I hadn’t had sleep like that in years. I got to my feet and looked around the room briefly before walking out to mom and dad’s old room. I grabbed my camera and slowly walked the house, snapping picture after picture. The only sound to be heard was the sound of the camera shutter and my soft footsteps. I thought about my dream as I took pictures.
Upon entering my room, a random memory hit me.
The stash.
I was pretty sure I had taken the hidden box when I moved out all those years ago, but since I was here, I should double check. Heading into the closet, I pushed the panel that led to the attic space out of the way and peered in. I couldn’t see anything, so I reached up there to feel around. The box was indeed gone. I felt around for a few more seconds and was surprised to feel what felt like a thick envelope. I didn’t remember leaving anything up there, but after pulling it down and giving it a cursory glance, I figured it was an old envelope of lost love letters. It wasn’t until I blew off the thick layer of dust that I realized what I was holding. It was a letter. Not just any letter. It was addressed to me.
Under the now semi-cleared layer of dust were the words “To be opened by future me”. I looked at it for a few moments before opening it. I couldn’t remember making this at all, much less storing it up in my secret hiding spot. If ever I hid something, it was in the stash box. My hands shook a bit as I started to open the envelope and pulled out the yellowed pages inside. I started reading.
"Dear Future John. I have spent the last few years remembering a dream I had when I was younger. Life was…difficult at that time, and I spent a lot of time escaping my reality by reading a lot of books and watching a lot of TV. On the off-chance that what I think is a dream really happened. I wanted to write some things down in an effort to give you my thanks. I merely consider myself a conveyer of thanks, although I will pile on my own thanks to you for your words of encouragement. I remember finding a stranger in the house one day while I was home alone. I was afraid he was there to hurt me at first, but after a few moments, I came to realize I was meeting myself. Well, I was meeting me, but from the future. I think he said he was in his 40’s, but I couldn’t tell you with any certainty. Either way, we talked. We talked about life, and what the future held in store for us…
Mostly though, we talked about the abuse. Well, Talked is being generous. We cried, and then we talked. I don’t remember exactly what he told me, but I remember how he made me feel. He made me feel safe. I felt like I could trust him. Trust myself. In the end, he gave me the courage to stand up for myself both at home and at school. He also gave me the courage to talk to mom and dad about what was going on between me and Talia. I do remember being afraid that I would be punished, but he reassured me that they wouldn’t, and that they loved me.
It was a difficult and awkward conversation, but in the end, arrangements were made for me to share a room with Rio and Nathan. I didn’t have much of a relationship with Talia for a long while, but after some years, we managed to patch things up. She apologized to me, and I came to understand the abuse she herself was subjected to by so-called family friends. She didn’t tell me this in an effort to excuse it, but to merely help give me closure to a difficult time from my own childhood. Mom and dad promised to be more attentive to us and we sort of established what I guess you would call an open door policy. We talk more about stuff that’s happening in our lives. Mom is much easier to talk to now. Dad is a little more patient with us too. I apologized to them for not coming to them sooner, and dad gave me a “nugget of wisdom” that I think I’ll live by: We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. I’ve tried to make sure I talk to them when something is wrong, and I’ve tried to implement that in my life so I don’t have problems with other people.
I’m trying to grow up to be a good guy. I want to have good relationships with people. Nathan says I’m turning into a people pleaser, but I don’t necessarily see that as a terrible thing. I know when to say no to someone. Well, either way, I wanted to make sure I thank you for the help you gave us. I probably won’t remember writing this, but I hope I do find it again someday. Here’s hoping I turn into the man I feel you are. -John Age 16."
I stared at the letter, the words blurring as tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly brushed them away as I quietly spoke to no one in particular. “Thanks guys. I hope I live up to your expectations” I folded the letter, placed it in my pocket, and walked out of the room. After picking up my backpack and tripod, I silently walked towards the front door, my footsteps echoing in the empty house. I turned to look back at the empty living room one last time, and after a moment, I walked out.