Left shoulder internal derangement
Help
2024.05.15 23:22 Sachikosenpai97_ Help
 | It hurts when I try to massage it and I tried using acuplus to make the pain go down but idk if it's cause I used it and it formed a red area or it been there already. I did do resistance band training for my shoulder because I guess I strained it a bit. But I'm not sure what's going on. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm not sure why this is happening. My mon said I'm overthinking too much and it's nothing but my right side feels fine. Just the left side where I've circled hurts..and just a small note, I haven't worked out since Saturday and been resting a lot. Idk what's the issue.. submitted by Sachikosenpai97_ to backpain [link] [comments] |
2024.05.15 23:21 requisition31 Alternative Heating options for a house I intend to purchase.
I am thinking of purchasing a small house that is part of a complex formed of several old Victorian houses which are mostly connected by party walls. The house has no back garden and a very small front garden.
It is electric heating only although I am told it does have a “normal” hot water system with radiators and such, and instead of a boiler it has a electric element. The current owner has told me that it is a 7kW system and it has to be left on during the winter for most of the day to achieve a habitable temperature which is expensive as you can imagine.
I’m considering all alternative methods of heating the place as this is going to be the largest running expense. I have considered an air source heat pump but I am put off by the cost and I will have nowhere I can install it. I would need planning permission I think because the building is listed.
One of my neighbours has a huge oil tank on their property and has oil heating. I discussed the issue with them casually and they have suggested that for only slightly above the price of which they pay for oil; they would be willing to supply me with oil on metered basis if I decided to try to install an oil boiler. I imagine this may be run in the same way that a shared septic tank works (this property also has one of those with that same neighbour).
Am I completely stupid to consider this? The only other option I’ve come up with is ripping out all the radiators and just get electric heaters installed, use an economy seven tariff, and be selective about what rooms are heated.
I am interested to hear your thoughts. Thank you in advance!
Some other information
Property is listed so I cannot change the single pane windows. Same for external insulation, but internal insulation may be a possibility.
It is affectively a two up to down property.
I have my suspicions that it is a solid brick construction with no cavity.
submitted by requisition31 to HousingUK [link] [comments]
It is electric heating only although I am told it does have a “normal” hot water system with radiators and such, and instead of a boiler it has a electric element. The current owner has told me that it is a 7kW system and it has to be left on during the winter for most of the day to achieve a habitable temperature which is expensive as you can imagine.
I’m considering all alternative methods of heating the place as this is going to be the largest running expense. I have considered an air source heat pump but I am put off by the cost and I will have nowhere I can install it. I would need planning permission I think because the building is listed.
One of my neighbours has a huge oil tank on their property and has oil heating. I discussed the issue with them casually and they have suggested that for only slightly above the price of which they pay for oil; they would be willing to supply me with oil on metered basis if I decided to try to install an oil boiler. I imagine this may be run in the same way that a shared septic tank works (this property also has one of those with that same neighbour).
Am I completely stupid to consider this? The only other option I’ve come up with is ripping out all the radiators and just get electric heaters installed, use an economy seven tariff, and be selective about what rooms are heated.
I am interested to hear your thoughts. Thank you in advance!
Some other information
Property is listed so I cannot change the single pane windows. Same for external insulation, but internal insulation may be a possibility.
It is affectively a two up to down property.
I have my suspicions that it is a solid brick construction with no cavity.
2024.05.15 23:20 R-GP Galaxy Buds+ Charging Issue
I've had my Galaxy Buds+ for a few years now and they've worked pretty well. Yesterday, my left earbud died and when I put it in the charging case, the LED on the inside turned green immediately (it should be red when the earbuds are charging). I've looked at multiple forums about it and tried multiple solutions. I've cleaned the earbuds and case thoroughly and tested charging the case, readjusting the bud, etc. The weird thing is the right earbud works perfectly fine when connected to my laptop but all of a sudden with this issue, both my earbuds won't connect to my S21 Ultra through Bluetooth or the wearable app. I tried using the forget/unpair feature and now they won't even show up in the Bluetooth device scan. I would have guessed that its an internal battery issue but that doesn't explain why the device isn't being detected by my phone anymore. Anyone know a fix?
submitted by R-GP to galaxybuds [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 23:18 Some_Pole Occupation of Paradise A House Divided
 | Ever since the rise of Japanese influence within the Pacific, seeking to stake early claims as European eyes increasingly sought out to mark out their own territorial ambitions as had happened to the likes of Africa or China, the Kingdom of Hawai’i found itself under the Japanese thumb for decades. Reduced to a mere vassal until being annexed outright and placed under the direct rule of Tokyo, life for Hawaiians living in the country became as much as one would expect to a territory seen as on the imperial periphery of the Rising Sun’s ambitions for the broader Pacific at large. Crackdowns on dissenters and supposed enemies, and increased deployment of Japanese soldiers to the island territory to keep order. submitted by Some_Pole to Presidentialpoll [link] [comments] Whilst the process technically began when Hawai’i was a vassal state, following annexation, the policy of forced Japanification of the island chain’s populace ramped up. Involving the stifling of the Hawaiian language and customs whilst enforcing the Japanese language at the intentional expense of the locals regardless of origin prior to Japanese annexation. Such a system would prompt a slow migration out of the island chain, mostly by Hawaiian-Americans to the United States following the turn of the 20th Century with some of the more notable examples being the likes of Hiram Bingham III who’d go on to serve in the Rocky Mountain War, and later as US Senator for the Solidarity Party. This status quo would exist unchanged until 1934, which would see the outbreak of the Russo-Japanese War. The United States under President John Dewey expressed support for Russia, vowing to deliver aid to the battered Russian army only to be stymied in Congress by Isolationist Social Democrats, something that’d later go on to be a precursor to the larger schism that’d take place in the party years later. In response to the American pledge for aid, the Japanese presence in Hawai’i increased with the stationing of more troops and especially the arrival of Kempeitai agents to be on the lookout for suspected spies for the United States, as military commanders in Tokyo now started to contemplate the prospect that the US and Japan may come to blows against each other in the relatively near future. Japanese Imperial soldiers conducting exercises on Hawaiian coast. Circa 1936. Such an anti-American sentiment would increase the Hawaiian-American drive for those who didn’t feel secure within the country to leave to the United States, something that’d continue up until the summer of 1939 following the declaration of war upon Japan by the US under the Hayes administration. What followed was the effective declaration of martial law in the islands. Civilian movement in or out of the chain was strictly forbidden unless given permission to do so by the local government, and American-Hawaiians meanwhile, were to be rounded up and placed in internment camps until the war was over. This however would be changed as Japanese military commanders would rightfully suspect American military plans would depend on taking the islands, and the bombings at San Diego and in general along the West Coast were mere delay tactics. Thus, the use of forced labor would begin to be used in Hawai’i, at first by convicts but later would be drawn in to include inturned American-Hawaiians, local native Hawaiians and migrants to the territory to erect military fortifications with the full intent of making the Americans bleed for every inch of the island chain. The suspicions of the Japanese commanders would be proven right during the battle for Midway in 1943, to Hawai’i’s northwest. Whilst the battle was inconclusive, and Japanese forces took it as a sign that Hawai’i’s defenses were practically impenetrable, it did still linger in the backs of their minds of the prospect of an American invasion of, potentially, an encirclement. Needless to say, the conditions that many had found themselves to work in by force had led to a dramatic decline in the quality of life for many as the forced labor resulted in many dying for a variety of reasons. To replace the dead, the Japanese would start bringing in captured civilians from occupied territories or POWs. One of these surviving POWs would be US navy pilot George H. W. Bush, who’d go on to recount to Congress his experience as a slave on Hawai’i in 1948. “I was with a small group of other people. We were tired, barely eaten and constantly being yelled at. Not like I, or anyone else I was with could understand much of what was verbally bombarded at us. We could barely understand each other, considering I was an American stuck with a Filipino, three Chinese men, a Mexican, two guys from India and a German. But we all understood one thing. Do as they gestured for you to do, or they’d shoot you. Saw it happen more times than I could count. It was bad enough that we weren’t armed, but they also made sure to try and starve us. To exhaust us. Break out will of even looking at them funny.” Photograph of early forced labor being used in Hawai'i. Once the war swung decisively against the Japanese and Hawai’i found itself navally encircled, the Imperial army’s mindset of never surrendering kicked in. Slavery on the island expanded from the construction of military fortifications, now with the full intent of fighting for every last inch of Hawai’i from all sides, but to also farm and mine for raw materials to sustain operations for as long as possible. The nearly four remaining years of the war would go on to be the darkest in the modern history of Hawai'i. The situation in the islands up until Japan’s surrender in 1947 matched the ferocity and desperation to never surrender at gunpoint, with the remaining IJA forces clamping down harder and harder upon the territory. Even the most wealthy landed Hawaiians who were previously exempt from the Japanese wrath started to feel the heat. Mass executions for the most minor of crimes took place as famine started to creep in thanks to the agricultural efforts happening in soil that lacked fertility due to the influence of Hawai’i’s elite to make sure their properties were untouched. It would only be until the broadcast of Japanese surrender broadly by the Emperor himself that’d get the majority of IJA troops in Hawai’i to stand down and also accept surrender. Following this, Hawai’i found itself under military occupation by the United States, who was tasked with first stabilizing the situation as by this point, the islands had fallen under a litany of crises that tested the capacity of the occupied government greatly as the chain was on the cusp of entering a famine with looters out on the streets of major cities, medical supplies scarce in the face of disease outbreaks of Black Death and ultimately, an inability to provide more housing than it currently could. Tasked with the responsibility of overseeing Hawai’i was the newly promoted lieutenant general; William Howard Arnold. Starting off as a humble division leader, Arnold would find himself moving up the ranks of leadership over the course of the war until being promoted to Lt. General to serve as Allied Commander of Hawai’i. William Howard Arnold; Allied Commander of Hawai'i. First order of business upon arriving in Honolulu was securing the logistical situation on the island. While food and medical imports started arriving to Hawai’i shortly after surrender, Arnold discovered the rate was woefully insufficient. Fortunately he didn’t have to look far as the US army would organize the distribution of relief across much of the Pacific. Making use of America’s economy still being in a state of war-time production, Arnold and his men would ensure the stabilization of Hawai’i’s medical crisis and risk of famine through 1947 to 1949. It’d be during this time too when those forcefully taken to Hawai’i during the war to serve as slave labor would be brought back to their nations of origin. Often, this would involve Arnold’s staffers needing to make several dozen phone calls a day to ambassadors of the various nations that these prisoners came from to help organize their return. As the worst excesses of Hawai’i’s troubles was being resolved, now came the matter of governance and the creation of a provisional government. With no real royal family left, and under orders from the White House, Arnold agreed to ensure the establishment of a republican government. The orders to establish an independent Hawai’ian republic came from President Alvin York himself, following the same principles that led to the independence of Taiwan, Indonesia, Manchuria, the Philippines, and Korea in an attempt to keep the perspective of America being an anti-colonialist liberator, rather than a conqueror. To serve as the president of this provisional government, Arnold would meet with Samuel Wilder King. King was a former member of the Honolulu City Council, upon the Board of Supervisors and also representative for Honolulu within the local territorial government, but would find himself forced to resign and later placed under house arrest for objecting to the usage of forced labor and unlawful violence against prisoners of war for the duration of the war until the arrival of American GIs shortly after Japan’s surrender. Samuel Wilder King; President of Hawai'i. King would accept the proposal, but would also go on to point out to Arnold that the island was majority populated by Japanese, native and other Asian-Hawaiians and whilst he may have been a native, it was on the grounds of being mixed with an American-Hawaiian father. If the role of president in Hawai’i, following the model seen in other republics, is to purely be ceremonial and the real power would be expected to be in the Prime Minister, getting a man from one of these majority populations would work better in bridging the gap. Given the difficulties facing the people living in Hawai’i, King suggested crossing the ideological aisle and attempting to convince Koji Ariyoshi to perhaps serve as Prime Minister. Ariyoshi for his part was a labor activist, and later served as an anti-war dissident that’d have him partake in forced labor for a brief period of time. Arnold however, had different plans. Viewing Ariyoshi with suspicion and frankly unsure if York would’ve even accepted a socialist becoming the first Prime Minister of Hawai’i, he instead turned to Pai’ea Chung-Hoon. Chung-Hoon himself was a relatively low profile individual who served in the Imperial Japanese Navy, often being used as more of a propaganda piece for the Japanese empire on the Co-Prosperity Sphere. Chung-Hoon resented the position but found it difficult to leave and it has been something that has hung over him since the end of the war. Pai’ea Chung-Hoon; Prime Minister of Hawai'i. When Arnold arrived to meet him, Chung-Hoon had fully expected that he'd potentially be placed on trial, only to be surprised when offered the role of Prime Minister of a provisional government though quickly accepted upon Arnold’s insistence. By the start of the 1948 summer season, Hawai’i had a head of state and head of government. Drafting the constitution of Hawai’i would take the rest of the summer, seeing the remodeling or outright bulldozing of Hawai’ian government institutions to make way for the government. However, there was another aspect that York, although gone by this point, had insisted with President Merriam also insisting to Arnold. Hawai’i must tolerate an American military presence on the grounds of overall Pacific security. Meeting again with King and Chung-Hoon, the two men and Arnold would come to a deal in allowing the presence of American forces in the country, however it’d come on the grounds that the US navy gets to use Pearl Harbor as a major naval installation for its Pacific fleet, and effectively handing over the island of Kaho‘olawe to serve as a military base for the Americans, under a legally binding lease that would last over eighty years and under the expectations that the Americans would be the ones paying for the installations. Pearl Harbor for its part was a major port before the war, and would be at times home to fleets of the Imperial Japanese Navy. Kaho‘olawe meanwhile, being entirely uninhabited, was used as a munitions testing ground and target practice for training naval crews at Hawai’i. Photograph taken of Japanese munitions testing on the island. Whilst President Merriam and Congress would sign off on this agreement with the 1948 Treaty of Honolulu, the move back in Hawai’i was met with mixed reception. The loss of an uninhabited island and a major port being repurposed for another power for eighty years wasn’t the most shocking, yet it seemingly did question the legitimacy of the claim that America was liberating the Pacific, yet taking an entire island for itself to have a practically for many, permanent troop garrison in the country. Koji Ariyoshi himself, becoming a writer for the Honolulu Record, an effective mouthpiece for the newly formed Hawaiian Labor Party, would write critical essays, calling the United States hypocritical in his pledges when such demands could’ve been sorted through treating Hawai’i as an equal and not a subordinate. This however wouldn’t stop either Hawai’ian legislature from giving their approval of the treaty. Come the turn of the new year in January of 1949, Arnold would resign his position as the Allied Commander of Hawai’i following King’s proclamation declaring the new republic’s independence to join the leagues of newly created nations that had sprung up in the post-war springtime of nations across much of the Asia-Pacific region. With the pledge of a general election to be held in August of 1951, what happens to Hawai’i shall be up to its voters to ultimately decide. Flag of the Republic of Hawai'i. |
2024.05.15 23:16 SpriteToaster Icarus reaching for the sun behind Hamsa
 | Hey guys, just got Icarus added to my Hamsa tattoo. Not 100% finished, still need to complete part of the wing and place the sun. I’m placing my tattoos with the goal to create a connected piece that spans my upper left back, shoulder blade, left arm. submitted by SpriteToaster to TattooDesigns [link] [comments] First couple photos is my tattoo, follow ups are some inspiration/artwork I’d like to integrate into the tattoo. I’d love to hear your ideas. Ideas, placement, background, filler? |
2024.05.15 23:16 AndrewAz2505 I swipe left (almost) everyone on dating apps
Feeling tired and kinda hopeless
I've reinstalled the usual dating apps catered towards dating (tinder, bumble) last weekend.
Have received a decent amount of likes, but I'm swiping left almost every guy.... It's really such a horrible feeling... New guy pops up on my screen and I instantly get unconfortable. Just why?? I want to go out on dates. Meet people. But when I see guys on dating apps, most of the times I feel so strange... I swipe all of them left. I just don't feel a real attraction with the majority of them...
What could this mean? Internalized homophobia?
submitted by AndrewAz2505 to askgaybros [link] [comments]
I've reinstalled the usual dating apps catered towards dating (tinder, bumble) last weekend.
Have received a decent amount of likes, but I'm swiping left almost every guy.... It's really such a horrible feeling... New guy pops up on my screen and I instantly get unconfortable. Just why?? I want to go out on dates. Meet people. But when I see guys on dating apps, most of the times I feel so strange... I swipe all of them left. I just don't feel a real attraction with the majority of them...
What could this mean? Internalized homophobia?
2024.05.15 23:10 CleanElk3560 AITAH - for cutting my mom off from my life because of a birthday text.
I'm not doing great at the moment since it just happened. I don't like gossip or talking behind people's back. Ironic I know. This post is about whether or not I did the right thing. Please don't insult anyone else: my mom (umm), my wife (Annie), my dad (abpa), my brother (Barry), my sister (Maggie), my cousin (Frank).
Save your judgment for me. Context: I'm 35M. first born. I left home after a huge fight with my mom after college. I was homeless for a bit. We've since reconciled. But I suppose not anymore. There's history there.
I'm only posting to see if what I did was wrong.
All names have been replaced and are not real. Other details like dates and places that are personally identifiable will be removed/changed. There are two languages: I will always show the original and translate as fairly as I can.
It is relevant for fairness to share that my mom is 3 hours ahead of me. I'm west coast, she's east coast. (10am for me it's 1pm for her) My time will be shown in the messages.
I will keep all messages exact and unedited, outside of the above.
I repeat: DO NOT INSULT MY MOM OR WIFE OR FAMILY. am I the asshole. nothing about them. just me.
On Mom's Birthday:
Mom [10:43am] it's mom's birthday but nothing is here (original: 엄마 생일인데 아무것도 없어.) [10:52am] [Picture of kitchen island with boxed tonesunscreen on it] [10:53am] (Mom is/I am) really sad. This is what Annie sent me for a gift. $10-20 toiletries. Something I don't even use. (original: 엄마 많이 섭섭해. 이게 [name]가 보낸 선물이야. $10-20 짜리 화장품. 엄마 이거 쓰지도 않는데.)
Me [11:51am] She got the same thing she got for you and her mom. Throw it out and I'll make sure to buy something nicer for you.
Mom [12:03pm] If she or her mom got the thing then I should get the same thing. I'm not Annie or Annie's mom. I'm your mom. You shouldn't treat me like this. [12:07pm] Not even one happy birthday said. (original: 생일 축하한단 말 한마디 없이.)
Me [12:56pm] call (no answer) [1:11pm] call (no answer)
Next day:
Mom [5:10am] I didn't answer the phone yesterday because I felt like I'm crying. I don’t want to talk like that with you. When you got married Annie I tried to treat her as an our family member. I know I can not treat her same as Maggie (my sister). But last year she didn’t say any word on my birthday. Even you and I talked on the phone. I didn’t want so much from her just as a family say good word on birthday wishes. This year same thing. And you, when you asked me what can I do for you ( maybe you forgot that even you asked) I literally said “다른거 필요 없고 무슨날 엄마 밥이나 사줘” (translation: I don't need anything just buy me some dinner some time) I’m not asking you expensive things. Don’t say throw them out but nicer things. You really missed the point.
Me [11:28am] You were upset because I didn’t do something for your birthday by 1040am on a Workday. It’s not about expensive things but you want to text a picture of the gift and say it’s $10-20. You got a gift, but no card. It’s cheap but it’s not about money. Annie’s a family member, how could she not text. Right after she texted happy mother’s day to you. Yesterday before dinner, Annie tells me “make sure you call your mom it’s her birthday”. I didn’t tell her what happened because I don’t gossip and talk bad about people behind their back. I call or text and wish a happy birthday to family. Like I’ve done every year. It’s the same as what everyone does for me. Sometimes I don’t get a call. Sometimes I don’t get a text. Sometimes the call/text comes a day later. Never did I text my family members in the morning asking why people didn’t do more for me. I’ll make sure to let Annie know about wishing happy birthday to you. In my screenshot is my daily goals from yesterday, I was excited about this week. One of those things was, of course, calling you for your birthday, just like I called for mother’s day. Two hours later while I’m in a work meeting with my boss, 1040am, I get a text from you telling me about how sad you are from my wife’s cheap gift and how I haven’t said happy birthday yet. Yesterday I woke up and went to work, and planned to call you after. You have a habit of disproportionately trying to make me feel bad. You’ve done it on your birthday before many years ago after you and abpa[dad in korean] had a fight. I was a college student and you took it out on me cause I was the easy target. You’re an adult. Your child can call later in the day to wish you a happy birthday. It’s not okay to text trying to make your son feel bad about not doing something sooner. [11:29am] [Screenshot of whatsapp conversation between me and my virtual assistant] [Screenshot start] [8:13am yesterday] Goals for Today, I want to be disciplined. It’s been a few weeks now since my conference and because of the conference and drinking there, I became slow and lost the energy to stay on top of my diet/exercise and morning routines that I was so happy and proud of. Let’s get back to that this week. Let’s work hard, let’s continue to set sights on big goals. I want to work on the 3 projects I have going right now. [personal project 1 company idea], [personal project 2 company idea], and [current company].
Today I will exercise 25 situps, 25 pushups, 25 curls, 25 shoulder press, and 25 squats. Today I will finish a few [work things] for [company]. Today I will teach class for [project 2] finish [lesson], and let folks know that there will not be class on wednesday. I will call my mom later today and wish her a happy birthday. I will also be going to my brother’s to take care of credit card points so that we can buy tickets for [trip], let’s work hard today and get a lot done. [Screenshot end]
Mom [4:09pm] My birthday is passed last year and this year. She didn’t text or say anything these two years. You may think that’s ok but not for me. I just expect to acknowledge these days and congrat each other. Is that too much? I don’t expect anything from her. But you mentioned so proudly on Sunday that Annie send me TWO gifts. I just want you to know I’m very disappointed that you are ok with that gifts. That’s why I mentioned the price as well. My birthday and Mother’s Day are always near by. Sometimes same day or sometimes few day apart. Is that too much that I asked you more thoughtful gift from you? If you think that’s too much , forget about this conversation. I think I’ve never treated you like this.
Me [2:03am] You’ve treated me way worse in my life. You didn’t wait for a text. You wanted to text me to make me feel bad. You had a bad morning. Maybe a bad night. You didn’t feel like I cared or people cared. Or maybe something else happened. And you wanted me to feel bad.
But your happiness is not my responsibility.
Your birthday is not a free pass to send guilt tripping texts to me and expect nice texts back. Annie sent you poison? She sent you a 4.5 star tonesunscreen with thousands of nice reviews. She was just trying to send something nice. It’s not expensive. But you say it’s not about money? Then why are you crying about it?
No one said “happy birthday” yet? The day wasn’t over. Why text me only? Barry[My brother] didn’t call until 5pm.
No one else gave you a good gift? Or are you comparing it with gifts that you’ve given to Annie? Then you give revenge-gifts. If that’s it then don’t ever give Annie and I anything ever again. You just wanted a dinner? I’m on the other side of the country.
Should I text you on my birthday asking why my mailbox is empty? Should I ask abpa[dad] the last 20 years where’s my present? Should I try and make you or abpa feel bad on my birthday if I’m unhappy? No, of course not. None of those is how a mature person behaves. Because my happiness is not your responsibility.
“Just want a text to acknowledge and congratulate”. You didn’t wait for any text. You chose to start upset.
Why didn’t you text Barry? if it’s just the text of happy birthday? You scared of his response?
I know why you’re not scared of me. 5 years of therapy to learn the way you used me as an emotional punching bag.
Your birthday morning wasn’t the way you wanted. Your gift wasn’t the way you wanted. You didn’t feel like anyone cared. Whoever you talked to. Whatever happened. You were unhappy. So you sent those texts to me.
You try to make me feel bad when you’re unhappy with your life. Why? When you used to have a hard day at work. Bad [customer]. Bad traffic. Bad interaction with coworkers/boss. Bad talk with abpa[dad], grandma, Frank hyung(older cousin who lived with us). Who do you think received your anger for no fucking reason? If I did all my homework, played [instrument 1], practiced [instrument 2], got good grades, did all my kumon(after school homework) did you know it doesn’t matter what I did, if YOU had a bad day?
If I’m watching tv, or playing a game, if you have a bad day, then my day has to be a bad day. Because people around you can’t be happy when you’re miserable. Not people that you can control. And controlling me was all you had. Even as I got older. Not allowed to leave the house.
You couldn’t control the language or culture out of the house, you couldn’t control grandma, frank hyung, or abpa in the house. your whole life, you couldn’t control too much.
So you controlled what? me. a kid. And as soon as hitting me didn’t make me cry you just tried to control my emotions to make me cry.
2010 May [day retracted]. Fight with abpa in the morning, he leaves the house. So you go down to the basement to yell at your son for not getting you a cake.
Junior in college crying, guilty in the basement buying you cake. That’s what you wanted. Someone you controlled. Someone to be miserable because you were miserable.
5 years of therapy in my late 20s to learn you’re the reason I don’t notice when women step all over me. I grew up used to it. Bad women relationships, weak sense of self, emotional abuse, angry all the time. Parents like you made Asian Americans the least likely to become managers in the USA (context: I became one in my later 20s). No confidence. No inner strength. Just quiet private anger. A young man clenching his fists, holding his tongue, and listening to orders.
Constantly blame others, blame myself. Always angry. Always yelling at [dog1]/[dog2], always trying to control them when I’m upset. Critical of everything, everyone, myself, never feeling like I’m enough or okay. Because growing up I was constantly on the receiving end of anger that I didn’t create. Don’t talk back. Don’t look at the eyes. Look at the wall. Never right. Always wrong. But every year I’m fixing that a little bit. Why? Because now I’m responsible for my own happiness.
I refuse to stay a bad dad to [dog2].
No more blaming, just thinking and working. being confident. fighting back. defending mself. speaking out. Looking at people in the eye.
Yesterday you didn’t feel good. So I was the one who did something terrible for your birthday? Hmm. I was going to call just like Barry did. You’re sad about the gift? You feel like no one cares. Why is it that I’m the only one that got those texts. You think your message was going to create apologies and happy birthdays from me? No. I don’t think so. You just wanted me to feel bad. Because you felt bad. You like controlling me. And affecting my emotions.
It’s why I left home many years ago. And you still have old habits. You wanted me to feel bad. You did the same thing talking about the [old project] community a few years ago. When you don’t feel happy. You try to make me feel bad.
But I’m old enough to know now that I didn’t do anything to deserve that yesterday. And you’re not allowed to step on me like that anymore. I’m not some weak 21 year old that’s crying in the basement buying you cake. I told Annie not to call. Your negative behavior is not allowed in my life.
Every day I work to undo things from my past. You’ve stepped on me your whole life. Made me a very scared, very angry young man. People like that never make it in the world successfully. They have all kinds of problems. But I want this to be very clear. I am going to be successful. I am going to be a [retracted]. I am going to make a positive difference in this world for those who are positive to others. And It will be despite all that you’ve done to me. It will happen because I will surround myself with peace, and positivity. Not negativity and manipulation. Through peace and for others, I will work harder than you or abpa or anyone you have ever known has ever done in their entire lives.
But If I don’t make it, that’s on me. If I’m unhappy today, that’s on me. If I lack something today, that’s me. I have to choose to be better. I have to work harder. Cause I’m responsible for my happiness.
You can choose whether or not you want to be negative or positive person moving forward in my life. That’s your choice. You want to step on me? Try to bring me down when you feel down? That’s your choice. But it’s my choice whether or not to let you be in my life.
you being unhappy yesterday morning. That’s you. That’s your choice. Acting the way you did. trying to make your son feel bad. That’s all you. You’re responsible for your own happiness. I didn’t do anything yesterday to deserve your texts trying to pull me down.
This is my last text about this. This conversation is over. Say one more thing about this that doesn’t resemble an apology and I’m not going on the [family trip]. Keep telling me youre an “innocent victim” “all I wanted was a happy birthday text” and you won’t hear from me for years. Be responsible for your actions. I have no room for your negative emotional manipulation in my life.
Mom [7:14am] Annie…. Very first gift from her was well known brand toner. That gave me bad skin reaction so I had to throw it out. I don’t want to talk to her about it because I appreciated what she wanted to try. But next time when I saw her in las Vegas I told her that her sun screen lotion ( what she used at that time) gave me a bad reaction so I can not use it. Last year when Maggie gave her 화장품 (toiletry) as a birthday gift she said that thanks but she can not use it because she has allergic reactions. Which is understandable but she’s still doing same thing to me. I don’t know who mentioned about good reviews or you found out your self. That doesn’t mean it’s good for me. She and I didn’t talk that much anything so far only few subject. I feel like she doesn’t care. I don’t know why you guys decided to send gift more than a month before. And how you said she send me two gifts made me so upset.
Barry… Barry and I talked about our birthday on the phone last week how it was good at last year’s dinner. He planned but eventually Appa paid( I mentioned who paid because you don’t get wrong info. ) and the way he always said skipping one year is not end of the world. We laughed about it. And he said next time we gonna have a good time. He called at 5 pm on my birthday I know as soon as he woke up he called me.
You mentioned why Barry is ok. Did I scare him? Come on… he is not saying nice words all the time but he is very thoughtful person. I think you agree with this.
You… I really sorry that you have all bad memories about me and your youth. I can not go back and I can not fix it now. I’m thinking back that days if I can live again maybe react little differently like I treated Maggie. As a first child you had a lot bad experiences. I agreed. But don’t say your life was miserable because of ME all the time. If you think this way there’s no reason to see me. I’m really happy to see, hear and feel that you’re working hard, being healthy and having enjoyable life. I want you to be a healther, happier and more successful person than right now. That’s no matter why we talked about right now. But I really want to make a point that don’t say I had bad morning or bad night before that’s why text you like that. Maybe you’re right. I had bad night before. After talked on the phone with you (as I told you before ). I felt disappointed so much. You keep saying you felt bad because of my text, why I didn’t wait? Calling to me is part of your daily plan. You keep saying I made you feel bad because I had anger problems or bad days. You’ve never thought about “what did I do wrong or did I miss anything?” You said you away from me how can I buy dinner? Same as easy to buy on line ( by Amazon) any merchandise. There’s tons of way to offer , you can make a reservation any restaurant or even you can send money 100- 200 dollars. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think it’s going to hurt you financially. Last year I waited until last minute that Annie would text me any word. No. That didn’t happen. If I waited until you call this year what’s the difference? I want more than hearing your voice is too much. Sorry that I think that way. And not being adult I ordered Rolex watch for next years your birthday gift and I was so excited about it. Maybe that’s why I’m expecting more than what you’re in mind about me. You are right. That’s all my problems.
[7:45am] If you don’t want to come [familytrip] , don’t spend time with family I can not force you to come. But don’t say if I don’t apologize you don’t come. Is new way to threaten? Come on [my name]. This is really too much.
Me [10:02am] There’s a difference between threats and boundaries. No one is allowed to be in my life to spend their energy trying to bring me down. Who would do something like that? My own mother. No we aren’t going on the [trip]. (context: all the tickets and arrangements have been purchased, this isn't some cop out, it's non-refundable, nothing to do with money on anyone's side)
You want to continue the conversation after I said I was done? Actions and consequences: Annie and I are very unthoughtful and uncaring to give you a skin care gift again. I’ll tell her exactly what happened. I’ll have her read every message. And understand what we did wrong. I’ll make sure we feel terrible today. I’ll make sure she remembers it forever. I will make sure my wife cries for your sadness and for our mistakes. We’re a bad son/wife who don’t care about my mother’s birthday and mother’s day. Your message has been fully received. We will feel sorry, we will cry and we will feel bad for you. I will struggle to work for my job. I will struggle to do my projects, and teach my students, I will think all day and all night about how sad this is. About this conversation, about our gift, about your gifts, about the phone call, the texts, mother’s day, your birthday, my birthdays. last year your birthday when we were in [another country]. I will struggle to eat and sleep properly. I know Annie and how sensitive she is. She will struggle and cry too. Your son and his wife will feel terrible about your birthday. Your message will be successful. You’ve brought the world down around you. Congratulations. Just like old times. Everyone is sad now. "You’re right.”
I will say one last thing as your son: be careful about hurting the people around you when you have a bad day. If you keep tearing the world around you down, there isn’t going to be a world left.
You and I are not going in the same direction.
I’m trying to learn how to be positive, hardworking, successful, strong, encouraging and helping others. Trying to be a little more positive everyday. Maybe I will never get there. But I will try. You want to spend your time fixating on me saying “two gifts”. You want to spend your time staring at the boxes, and sending pictures. You want to spend your time comparing, looking at costs, pitying yourself and telling people around you how terrible they are on your birthday. I guess that drama is something you want. Not me. You and I are on different paths.
After Annie and I cry for what we did. My boundary is this, I will never let you do this to me again. That will be the last scar. We will remember every year on your birthday, and remind ourselves how terrible and uncaring we were. I will remember that you wanted me to know and feel that. Every year I will remember but that will be the last scar you ever leave on me. You should return the Rolex. I will never use it, I will never wear it, I will throw it out instantly. To me it’s a poisonous gift. Don’t ever give me or Annie any gifts for the rest of my life.
We will smile and not forget that those past gifts were given out of your care and thoughtfulness. We will remember you did your best and wanted to do nice things in your way. but we will be sad with you. And be unable to use your gifts because your gifts comes with weight, revenge and paybacks. And we cannot accept them. You did everything right. You’re a good mom. We are just bad people. We never earned them or paid you back in our thoughtfulness for them. All gifts you have given me and her, we will stop using today.
I will not be receiving your messages anymore. Goodbye
[Blocked from phone/all social media.]
AITAH. Reminder do not talk bad about anyone else. I'll delete those comments. This is just about whether or not I did the right thing.
submitted by CleanElk3560 to AITAH [link] [comments]
Save your judgment for me. Context: I'm 35M. first born. I left home after a huge fight with my mom after college. I was homeless for a bit. We've since reconciled. But I suppose not anymore. There's history there.
I'm only posting to see if what I did was wrong.
All names have been replaced and are not real. Other details like dates and places that are personally identifiable will be removed/changed. There are two languages: I will always show the original and translate as fairly as I can.
It is relevant for fairness to share that my mom is 3 hours ahead of me. I'm west coast, she's east coast. (10am for me it's 1pm for her) My time will be shown in the messages.
I will keep all messages exact and unedited, outside of the above.
I repeat: DO NOT INSULT MY MOM OR WIFE OR FAMILY. am I the asshole. nothing about them. just me.
On Mom's Birthday:
Mom [10:43am] it's mom's birthday but nothing is here (original: 엄마 생일인데 아무것도 없어.) [10:52am] [Picture of kitchen island with boxed tonesunscreen on it] [10:53am] (Mom is/I am) really sad. This is what Annie sent me for a gift. $10-20 toiletries. Something I don't even use. (original: 엄마 많이 섭섭해. 이게 [name]가 보낸 선물이야. $10-20 짜리 화장품. 엄마 이거 쓰지도 않는데.)
Me [11:51am] She got the same thing she got for you and her mom. Throw it out and I'll make sure to buy something nicer for you.
Mom [12:03pm] If she or her mom got the thing then I should get the same thing. I'm not Annie or Annie's mom. I'm your mom. You shouldn't treat me like this. [12:07pm] Not even one happy birthday said. (original: 생일 축하한단 말 한마디 없이.)
Me [12:56pm] call (no answer) [1:11pm] call (no answer)
Next day:
Mom [5:10am] I didn't answer the phone yesterday because I felt like I'm crying. I don’t want to talk like that with you. When you got married Annie I tried to treat her as an our family member. I know I can not treat her same as Maggie (my sister). But last year she didn’t say any word on my birthday. Even you and I talked on the phone. I didn’t want so much from her just as a family say good word on birthday wishes. This year same thing. And you, when you asked me what can I do for you ( maybe you forgot that even you asked) I literally said “다른거 필요 없고 무슨날 엄마 밥이나 사줘” (translation: I don't need anything just buy me some dinner some time) I’m not asking you expensive things. Don’t say throw them out but nicer things. You really missed the point.
Me [11:28am] You were upset because I didn’t do something for your birthday by 1040am on a Workday. It’s not about expensive things but you want to text a picture of the gift and say it’s $10-20. You got a gift, but no card. It’s cheap but it’s not about money. Annie’s a family member, how could she not text. Right after she texted happy mother’s day to you. Yesterday before dinner, Annie tells me “make sure you call your mom it’s her birthday”. I didn’t tell her what happened because I don’t gossip and talk bad about people behind their back. I call or text and wish a happy birthday to family. Like I’ve done every year. It’s the same as what everyone does for me. Sometimes I don’t get a call. Sometimes I don’t get a text. Sometimes the call/text comes a day later. Never did I text my family members in the morning asking why people didn’t do more for me. I’ll make sure to let Annie know about wishing happy birthday to you. In my screenshot is my daily goals from yesterday, I was excited about this week. One of those things was, of course, calling you for your birthday, just like I called for mother’s day. Two hours later while I’m in a work meeting with my boss, 1040am, I get a text from you telling me about how sad you are from my wife’s cheap gift and how I haven’t said happy birthday yet. Yesterday I woke up and went to work, and planned to call you after. You have a habit of disproportionately trying to make me feel bad. You’ve done it on your birthday before many years ago after you and abpa[dad in korean] had a fight. I was a college student and you took it out on me cause I was the easy target. You’re an adult. Your child can call later in the day to wish you a happy birthday. It’s not okay to text trying to make your son feel bad about not doing something sooner. [11:29am] [Screenshot of whatsapp conversation between me and my virtual assistant] [Screenshot start] [8:13am yesterday] Goals for Today, I want to be disciplined. It’s been a few weeks now since my conference and because of the conference and drinking there, I became slow and lost the energy to stay on top of my diet/exercise and morning routines that I was so happy and proud of. Let’s get back to that this week. Let’s work hard, let’s continue to set sights on big goals. I want to work on the 3 projects I have going right now. [personal project 1 company idea], [personal project 2 company idea], and [current company].
Today I will exercise 25 situps, 25 pushups, 25 curls, 25 shoulder press, and 25 squats. Today I will finish a few [work things] for [company]. Today I will teach class for [project 2] finish [lesson], and let folks know that there will not be class on wednesday. I will call my mom later today and wish her a happy birthday. I will also be going to my brother’s to take care of credit card points so that we can buy tickets for [trip], let’s work hard today and get a lot done. [Screenshot end]
Mom [4:09pm] My birthday is passed last year and this year. She didn’t text or say anything these two years. You may think that’s ok but not for me. I just expect to acknowledge these days and congrat each other. Is that too much? I don’t expect anything from her. But you mentioned so proudly on Sunday that Annie send me TWO gifts. I just want you to know I’m very disappointed that you are ok with that gifts. That’s why I mentioned the price as well. My birthday and Mother’s Day are always near by. Sometimes same day or sometimes few day apart. Is that too much that I asked you more thoughtful gift from you? If you think that’s too much , forget about this conversation. I think I’ve never treated you like this.
Me [2:03am] You’ve treated me way worse in my life. You didn’t wait for a text. You wanted to text me to make me feel bad. You had a bad morning. Maybe a bad night. You didn’t feel like I cared or people cared. Or maybe something else happened. And you wanted me to feel bad.
But your happiness is not my responsibility.
Your birthday is not a free pass to send guilt tripping texts to me and expect nice texts back. Annie sent you poison? She sent you a 4.5 star tonesunscreen with thousands of nice reviews. She was just trying to send something nice. It’s not expensive. But you say it’s not about money? Then why are you crying about it?
No one said “happy birthday” yet? The day wasn’t over. Why text me only? Barry[My brother] didn’t call until 5pm.
No one else gave you a good gift? Or are you comparing it with gifts that you’ve given to Annie? Then you give revenge-gifts. If that’s it then don’t ever give Annie and I anything ever again. You just wanted a dinner? I’m on the other side of the country.
Should I text you on my birthday asking why my mailbox is empty? Should I ask abpa[dad] the last 20 years where’s my present? Should I try and make you or abpa feel bad on my birthday if I’m unhappy? No, of course not. None of those is how a mature person behaves. Because my happiness is not your responsibility.
“Just want a text to acknowledge and congratulate”. You didn’t wait for any text. You chose to start upset.
Why didn’t you text Barry? if it’s just the text of happy birthday? You scared of his response?
I know why you’re not scared of me. 5 years of therapy to learn the way you used me as an emotional punching bag.
Your birthday morning wasn’t the way you wanted. Your gift wasn’t the way you wanted. You didn’t feel like anyone cared. Whoever you talked to. Whatever happened. You were unhappy. So you sent those texts to me.
You try to make me feel bad when you’re unhappy with your life. Why? When you used to have a hard day at work. Bad [customer]. Bad traffic. Bad interaction with coworkers/boss. Bad talk with abpa[dad], grandma, Frank hyung(older cousin who lived with us). Who do you think received your anger for no fucking reason? If I did all my homework, played [instrument 1], practiced [instrument 2], got good grades, did all my kumon(after school homework) did you know it doesn’t matter what I did, if YOU had a bad day?
If I’m watching tv, or playing a game, if you have a bad day, then my day has to be a bad day. Because people around you can’t be happy when you’re miserable. Not people that you can control. And controlling me was all you had. Even as I got older. Not allowed to leave the house.
You couldn’t control the language or culture out of the house, you couldn’t control grandma, frank hyung, or abpa in the house. your whole life, you couldn’t control too much.
So you controlled what? me. a kid. And as soon as hitting me didn’t make me cry you just tried to control my emotions to make me cry.
2010 May [day retracted]. Fight with abpa in the morning, he leaves the house. So you go down to the basement to yell at your son for not getting you a cake.
Junior in college crying, guilty in the basement buying you cake. That’s what you wanted. Someone you controlled. Someone to be miserable because you were miserable.
5 years of therapy in my late 20s to learn you’re the reason I don’t notice when women step all over me. I grew up used to it. Bad women relationships, weak sense of self, emotional abuse, angry all the time. Parents like you made Asian Americans the least likely to become managers in the USA (context: I became one in my later 20s). No confidence. No inner strength. Just quiet private anger. A young man clenching his fists, holding his tongue, and listening to orders.
Constantly blame others, blame myself. Always angry. Always yelling at [dog1]/[dog2], always trying to control them when I’m upset. Critical of everything, everyone, myself, never feeling like I’m enough or okay. Because growing up I was constantly on the receiving end of anger that I didn’t create. Don’t talk back. Don’t look at the eyes. Look at the wall. Never right. Always wrong. But every year I’m fixing that a little bit. Why? Because now I’m responsible for my own happiness.
I refuse to stay a bad dad to [dog2].
No more blaming, just thinking and working. being confident. fighting back. defending mself. speaking out. Looking at people in the eye.
Yesterday you didn’t feel good. So I was the one who did something terrible for your birthday? Hmm. I was going to call just like Barry did. You’re sad about the gift? You feel like no one cares. Why is it that I’m the only one that got those texts. You think your message was going to create apologies and happy birthdays from me? No. I don’t think so. You just wanted me to feel bad. Because you felt bad. You like controlling me. And affecting my emotions.
It’s why I left home many years ago. And you still have old habits. You wanted me to feel bad. You did the same thing talking about the [old project] community a few years ago. When you don’t feel happy. You try to make me feel bad.
But I’m old enough to know now that I didn’t do anything to deserve that yesterday. And you’re not allowed to step on me like that anymore. I’m not some weak 21 year old that’s crying in the basement buying you cake. I told Annie not to call. Your negative behavior is not allowed in my life.
Every day I work to undo things from my past. You’ve stepped on me your whole life. Made me a very scared, very angry young man. People like that never make it in the world successfully. They have all kinds of problems. But I want this to be very clear. I am going to be successful. I am going to be a [retracted]. I am going to make a positive difference in this world for those who are positive to others. And It will be despite all that you’ve done to me. It will happen because I will surround myself with peace, and positivity. Not negativity and manipulation. Through peace and for others, I will work harder than you or abpa or anyone you have ever known has ever done in their entire lives.
But If I don’t make it, that’s on me. If I’m unhappy today, that’s on me. If I lack something today, that’s me. I have to choose to be better. I have to work harder. Cause I’m responsible for my happiness.
You can choose whether or not you want to be negative or positive person moving forward in my life. That’s your choice. You want to step on me? Try to bring me down when you feel down? That’s your choice. But it’s my choice whether or not to let you be in my life.
you being unhappy yesterday morning. That’s you. That’s your choice. Acting the way you did. trying to make your son feel bad. That’s all you. You’re responsible for your own happiness. I didn’t do anything yesterday to deserve your texts trying to pull me down.
This is my last text about this. This conversation is over. Say one more thing about this that doesn’t resemble an apology and I’m not going on the [family trip]. Keep telling me youre an “innocent victim” “all I wanted was a happy birthday text” and you won’t hear from me for years. Be responsible for your actions. I have no room for your negative emotional manipulation in my life.
Mom [7:14am] Annie…. Very first gift from her was well known brand toner. That gave me bad skin reaction so I had to throw it out. I don’t want to talk to her about it because I appreciated what she wanted to try. But next time when I saw her in las Vegas I told her that her sun screen lotion ( what she used at that time) gave me a bad reaction so I can not use it. Last year when Maggie gave her 화장품 (toiletry) as a birthday gift she said that thanks but she can not use it because she has allergic reactions. Which is understandable but she’s still doing same thing to me. I don’t know who mentioned about good reviews or you found out your self. That doesn’t mean it’s good for me. She and I didn’t talk that much anything so far only few subject. I feel like she doesn’t care. I don’t know why you guys decided to send gift more than a month before. And how you said she send me two gifts made me so upset.
Barry… Barry and I talked about our birthday on the phone last week how it was good at last year’s dinner. He planned but eventually Appa paid( I mentioned who paid because you don’t get wrong info. ) and the way he always said skipping one year is not end of the world. We laughed about it. And he said next time we gonna have a good time. He called at 5 pm on my birthday I know as soon as he woke up he called me.
You mentioned why Barry is ok. Did I scare him? Come on… he is not saying nice words all the time but he is very thoughtful person. I think you agree with this.
You… I really sorry that you have all bad memories about me and your youth. I can not go back and I can not fix it now. I’m thinking back that days if I can live again maybe react little differently like I treated Maggie. As a first child you had a lot bad experiences. I agreed. But don’t say your life was miserable because of ME all the time. If you think this way there’s no reason to see me. I’m really happy to see, hear and feel that you’re working hard, being healthy and having enjoyable life. I want you to be a healther, happier and more successful person than right now. That’s no matter why we talked about right now. But I really want to make a point that don’t say I had bad morning or bad night before that’s why text you like that. Maybe you’re right. I had bad night before. After talked on the phone with you (as I told you before ). I felt disappointed so much. You keep saying you felt bad because of my text, why I didn’t wait? Calling to me is part of your daily plan. You keep saying I made you feel bad because I had anger problems or bad days. You’ve never thought about “what did I do wrong or did I miss anything?” You said you away from me how can I buy dinner? Same as easy to buy on line ( by Amazon) any merchandise. There’s tons of way to offer , you can make a reservation any restaurant or even you can send money 100- 200 dollars. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think it’s going to hurt you financially. Last year I waited until last minute that Annie would text me any word. No. That didn’t happen. If I waited until you call this year what’s the difference? I want more than hearing your voice is too much. Sorry that I think that way. And not being adult I ordered Rolex watch for next years your birthday gift and I was so excited about it. Maybe that’s why I’m expecting more than what you’re in mind about me. You are right. That’s all my problems.
[7:45am] If you don’t want to come [familytrip] , don’t spend time with family I can not force you to come. But don’t say if I don’t apologize you don’t come. Is new way to threaten? Come on [my name]. This is really too much.
Me [10:02am] There’s a difference between threats and boundaries. No one is allowed to be in my life to spend their energy trying to bring me down. Who would do something like that? My own mother. No we aren’t going on the [trip]. (context: all the tickets and arrangements have been purchased, this isn't some cop out, it's non-refundable, nothing to do with money on anyone's side)
You want to continue the conversation after I said I was done? Actions and consequences: Annie and I are very unthoughtful and uncaring to give you a skin care gift again. I’ll tell her exactly what happened. I’ll have her read every message. And understand what we did wrong. I’ll make sure we feel terrible today. I’ll make sure she remembers it forever. I will make sure my wife cries for your sadness and for our mistakes. We’re a bad son/wife who don’t care about my mother’s birthday and mother’s day. Your message has been fully received. We will feel sorry, we will cry and we will feel bad for you. I will struggle to work for my job. I will struggle to do my projects, and teach my students, I will think all day and all night about how sad this is. About this conversation, about our gift, about your gifts, about the phone call, the texts, mother’s day, your birthday, my birthdays. last year your birthday when we were in [another country]. I will struggle to eat and sleep properly. I know Annie and how sensitive she is. She will struggle and cry too. Your son and his wife will feel terrible about your birthday. Your message will be successful. You’ve brought the world down around you. Congratulations. Just like old times. Everyone is sad now. "You’re right.”
I will say one last thing as your son: be careful about hurting the people around you when you have a bad day. If you keep tearing the world around you down, there isn’t going to be a world left.
You and I are not going in the same direction.
I’m trying to learn how to be positive, hardworking, successful, strong, encouraging and helping others. Trying to be a little more positive everyday. Maybe I will never get there. But I will try. You want to spend your time fixating on me saying “two gifts”. You want to spend your time staring at the boxes, and sending pictures. You want to spend your time comparing, looking at costs, pitying yourself and telling people around you how terrible they are on your birthday. I guess that drama is something you want. Not me. You and I are on different paths.
After Annie and I cry for what we did. My boundary is this, I will never let you do this to me again. That will be the last scar. We will remember every year on your birthday, and remind ourselves how terrible and uncaring we were. I will remember that you wanted me to know and feel that. Every year I will remember but that will be the last scar you ever leave on me. You should return the Rolex. I will never use it, I will never wear it, I will throw it out instantly. To me it’s a poisonous gift. Don’t ever give me or Annie any gifts for the rest of my life.
We will smile and not forget that those past gifts were given out of your care and thoughtfulness. We will remember you did your best and wanted to do nice things in your way. but we will be sad with you. And be unable to use your gifts because your gifts comes with weight, revenge and paybacks. And we cannot accept them. You did everything right. You’re a good mom. We are just bad people. We never earned them or paid you back in our thoughtfulness for them. All gifts you have given me and her, we will stop using today.
I will not be receiving your messages anymore. Goodbye
[Blocked from phone/all social media.]
AITAH. Reminder do not talk bad about anyone else. I'll delete those comments. This is just about whether or not I did the right thing.
2024.05.15 23:09 tikkkkii AITAH for wanting my sister's best friend to go home?
I 21F, live with my mother, 2 sisters and 1 brother. My sister M22 has a friend K22 who lives with us. They have known each other since 6th grade and have been connected at the hip since then. In the beginning I did not like her at all, she was very annoying, and things had to be done her way. She also can't take 'no' for an answer. Over the years I've learned to tolerate her a little bit but now she has pushed me over the edge.
K just moved out of the house her, and her dad lived in because their lease ended. They moved in with her dad's friend G and they will live their until they find another house to rent. My mom and sister came up with the idea to make my brothers old room into a bedroom for her so she could stay whenever she didn't want to be at her house. Which is very nice and a lot of people wouldn't do that. My mother and sister didn't ask anyone if that would be alright, which I know it is my mother's house, but nobody told me that, that was the plan. I also still can't stand her at all. Mind: she goes home for 1 day and then comes right back and will stay for a few weeks straight.
I have always had issues with K because she is always here, in our business and just won't stop. When she is over (which is everyday at this point) she has to do HER stuff and I can't do mine. I clean the house, because I don't work rn so I clean the house daily and do a deep clean to 1. keep up with the daily chores and 2. just because I'm living here rent free and it's the bare minimun. While I clean I love listening to music, as of rn I've been listening to Christmas music because it's my favorite time of year and it just makes me feel better so I've been listening to it a lot recently to try and distract myself from everything that is going on in my life. I got an Alexa and I listen to music on that, it's never above level 5 volume, it's just background noise. K will come in whatever room and turn it off, I told her not too and she said she doesn't want to listen to it, and I told her that it's my Alexa don't mess with it and if she doesn't like it listen to her own music with her airpods or go into a different room, or I can put my music back on and just change the station and she said to change the station. I changed to Pop music and I was in the middle of sweeping in the other room and it turned off, I went into the room where my Alexa was and checked to see what happened and saw that it was unplugged. K was in the room right next to it and I asked her what happened, she said that she unplugged it because she was tired of it. I told her "I asked you not to touch it" she said it doesn't matter and that she doesn't want to listen to my music.
I have airpods but I can't find them rn, so I can't listen to music on my phone without it being outloud. She continues to turn off my music no matter what I am doing, and it pisses me off. This isn't the only thing she does though.
K also can't take 'no' for an answer, she will beg you until you get so pissed off that you give in just so she will shut her big mouth. I bought my own groceries this past few weeks using my birthday money and in our house we have a rule: if you buy it , it's yours just let other people know that it is yours. We have stickers that we put on tupperware and other food items if a certain person bought it and doesn't want others in it. I placed these stickers on everything I bought and I let the others know that I bought stuff at the store and that I put the stickers on it and to please not touch it. K came into the living room the other day and asked if this pack of lunch meat was mine eventhough the stick on the very front where you can't miss it has my name on it and "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH" written. I told her yes that it was mine and she asked if she could have it and I said 'no' there's lunch meat outside that she can have. She rolled her eyes and put it back in the fridge. I went to my room for a little bit after that and I got hungry and went to make my lunch and in the fridge was my open container of lunch meat that I told her not to touch, I just got that at the store and haven't opened it yet. My sister and K were in the living room with empty plates next to them and I asked them why my lunch meat was open, and K said that they were hungry and made sandwiches. With the lunch meat I bought. I asked them why after I told her not to eat it and just not touch it because it was mine and her excuse was, I like turkey and your mom bought ham, so I used yours instead because I like it better. My sister then said, "it's not a big deal, it's just a few slices of lunch meat it's fine" It is a big deal to me because they overstepped a boundary again.
Another thing that happened just yesterday, I was making cookies and I have learned to not bake the whole batch while K is over, she will eat the entire thing before anyone else gets to have one. So I made 6 cookies and while I was making them she had to be in the kitchen and ask a million questions, “what are you making” “what kind of cookies are you making” “when will they be done” “how long do they have to bake” etc. When I bake and cook I have to be the only one in the kitchen because I will get very overwhelmed. The kitchen is small and having more than 1 person in there at a time is exhausting. K had to be right on top of me while I was doing it, I wasn’t teaching her anything so there was no reason for her to be over my shoulder the entire time. When I finished the dough I had to keep it in the fridge overnight and she got upset because she wanted a cookie now. Which I understand because I love cookies too but there is no reason to get upset over having to wait 14 hrs for cookie dough to chill in the fridge.
Today I finally baked them and she freaked out because I was baking them finally and she really wanted one. She was confused as to why I only make 6 cookies instead of the whole batch which makes 36 cookies. I just told her that I’m just making enough for everyone to have 1 rn. My real reason is because every time she is over and we have anything I baked it will be gone in a few hours. The other day a family friend that I bake with often made ME brownies and yes she said that they were for me mainly but to share. I didn’t even get 1 bite of a brownie because K ate most and when I asked where they went they said they were gone and I asked who ate them K sad she had the last one. I told her that I didn’t get one and our friend made them mainly for me and she said “snooze you loose”
I finished making the cookies and I went to my room to let them cool, while in my room K texted me and asked “will u hurt me if I have a cookie?” I responded “no, u can have 1 cookie only, there are 6. That’s 1 for everyone, so only eat 1 cookie” she left me on read. I came back out about 30 minutes later to put them in a Tupperware and they were gone! Completely gone 6 cookies gone in 30 minutes. I asked my sister and K where they went and they were eating a cookie as I walked in the living room. I asked how many cookies they had and they looked at each other and smiled trying to contain their laughter. I knew in that moment that they ate all 6 cookies and had no shame. I asked her about the text message and whether or not she comphrend it or if it just went right over her head. She said they were really good and wanted another. Idc if she wanted another she couldn’t take my answer, I set a boundary with her again and she overstepped again. My sister and K laughed because I got upset about 6 cookies but I’m not upset about the cookies. I’m upset because the boundaries I set have been violated again and again and Idk what to do about it. I decided to keep my mouth shut because I 100% believe in if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” I that moment there was nothing nice to say. As I walked out, K said you can make more cookies now, use the rest of the dough” I just walked back to my room and stayed there until my mom came home.
When my mom came home I told her about what happened and I asked her if K could leave and she said no because our house is her house and she needs to feel welcomed here. My mom and I got into a small argument about that because I brought up that her saying that made me feel like my mom doesn’t care about my feelings when it comes to this. K is overstepping my boundaries and M is letting her and helping her do so and nothing is being done about it I just have to take it and my mom told me that I’m blowing all out of proportion and to relax and forget about it.
I’m not going to forget about it, I’m going to remember this 10 years down the line when you want to come back into my life after I go no contact with all of them. I rarely feel safe in the house and I just want my own space. I don’t have a job so I don’t have an income to start saving up and move out. I just want K to leave, I haven’t had a break since she started living here.
AITAH?
submitted by tikkkkii to AITAHonesttitles [link] [comments]
K just moved out of the house her, and her dad lived in because their lease ended. They moved in with her dad's friend G and they will live their until they find another house to rent. My mom and sister came up with the idea to make my brothers old room into a bedroom for her so she could stay whenever she didn't want to be at her house. Which is very nice and a lot of people wouldn't do that. My mother and sister didn't ask anyone if that would be alright, which I know it is my mother's house, but nobody told me that, that was the plan. I also still can't stand her at all. Mind: she goes home for 1 day and then comes right back and will stay for a few weeks straight.
I have always had issues with K because she is always here, in our business and just won't stop. When she is over (which is everyday at this point) she has to do HER stuff and I can't do mine. I clean the house, because I don't work rn so I clean the house daily and do a deep clean to 1. keep up with the daily chores and 2. just because I'm living here rent free and it's the bare minimun. While I clean I love listening to music, as of rn I've been listening to Christmas music because it's my favorite time of year and it just makes me feel better so I've been listening to it a lot recently to try and distract myself from everything that is going on in my life. I got an Alexa and I listen to music on that, it's never above level 5 volume, it's just background noise. K will come in whatever room and turn it off, I told her not too and she said she doesn't want to listen to it, and I told her that it's my Alexa don't mess with it and if she doesn't like it listen to her own music with her airpods or go into a different room, or I can put my music back on and just change the station and she said to change the station. I changed to Pop music and I was in the middle of sweeping in the other room and it turned off, I went into the room where my Alexa was and checked to see what happened and saw that it was unplugged. K was in the room right next to it and I asked her what happened, she said that she unplugged it because she was tired of it. I told her "I asked you not to touch it" she said it doesn't matter and that she doesn't want to listen to my music.
I have airpods but I can't find them rn, so I can't listen to music on my phone without it being outloud. She continues to turn off my music no matter what I am doing, and it pisses me off. This isn't the only thing she does though.
K also can't take 'no' for an answer, she will beg you until you get so pissed off that you give in just so she will shut her big mouth. I bought my own groceries this past few weeks using my birthday money and in our house we have a rule: if you buy it , it's yours just let other people know that it is yours. We have stickers that we put on tupperware and other food items if a certain person bought it and doesn't want others in it. I placed these stickers on everything I bought and I let the others know that I bought stuff at the store and that I put the stickers on it and to please not touch it. K came into the living room the other day and asked if this pack of lunch meat was mine eventhough the stick on the very front where you can't miss it has my name on it and "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH" written. I told her yes that it was mine and she asked if she could have it and I said 'no' there's lunch meat outside that she can have. She rolled her eyes and put it back in the fridge. I went to my room for a little bit after that and I got hungry and went to make my lunch and in the fridge was my open container of lunch meat that I told her not to touch, I just got that at the store and haven't opened it yet. My sister and K were in the living room with empty plates next to them and I asked them why my lunch meat was open, and K said that they were hungry and made sandwiches. With the lunch meat I bought. I asked them why after I told her not to eat it and just not touch it because it was mine and her excuse was, I like turkey and your mom bought ham, so I used yours instead because I like it better. My sister then said, "it's not a big deal, it's just a few slices of lunch meat it's fine" It is a big deal to me because they overstepped a boundary again.
Another thing that happened just yesterday, I was making cookies and I have learned to not bake the whole batch while K is over, she will eat the entire thing before anyone else gets to have one. So I made 6 cookies and while I was making them she had to be in the kitchen and ask a million questions, “what are you making” “what kind of cookies are you making” “when will they be done” “how long do they have to bake” etc. When I bake and cook I have to be the only one in the kitchen because I will get very overwhelmed. The kitchen is small and having more than 1 person in there at a time is exhausting. K had to be right on top of me while I was doing it, I wasn’t teaching her anything so there was no reason for her to be over my shoulder the entire time. When I finished the dough I had to keep it in the fridge overnight and she got upset because she wanted a cookie now. Which I understand because I love cookies too but there is no reason to get upset over having to wait 14 hrs for cookie dough to chill in the fridge.
Today I finally baked them and she freaked out because I was baking them finally and she really wanted one. She was confused as to why I only make 6 cookies instead of the whole batch which makes 36 cookies. I just told her that I’m just making enough for everyone to have 1 rn. My real reason is because every time she is over and we have anything I baked it will be gone in a few hours. The other day a family friend that I bake with often made ME brownies and yes she said that they were for me mainly but to share. I didn’t even get 1 bite of a brownie because K ate most and when I asked where they went they said they were gone and I asked who ate them K sad she had the last one. I told her that I didn’t get one and our friend made them mainly for me and she said “snooze you loose”
I finished making the cookies and I went to my room to let them cool, while in my room K texted me and asked “will u hurt me if I have a cookie?” I responded “no, u can have 1 cookie only, there are 6. That’s 1 for everyone, so only eat 1 cookie” she left me on read. I came back out about 30 minutes later to put them in a Tupperware and they were gone! Completely gone 6 cookies gone in 30 minutes. I asked my sister and K where they went and they were eating a cookie as I walked in the living room. I asked how many cookies they had and they looked at each other and smiled trying to contain their laughter. I knew in that moment that they ate all 6 cookies and had no shame. I asked her about the text message and whether or not she comphrend it or if it just went right over her head. She said they were really good and wanted another. Idc if she wanted another she couldn’t take my answer, I set a boundary with her again and she overstepped again. My sister and K laughed because I got upset about 6 cookies but I’m not upset about the cookies. I’m upset because the boundaries I set have been violated again and again and Idk what to do about it. I decided to keep my mouth shut because I 100% believe in if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” I that moment there was nothing nice to say. As I walked out, K said you can make more cookies now, use the rest of the dough” I just walked back to my room and stayed there until my mom came home.
When my mom came home I told her about what happened and I asked her if K could leave and she said no because our house is her house and she needs to feel welcomed here. My mom and I got into a small argument about that because I brought up that her saying that made me feel like my mom doesn’t care about my feelings when it comes to this. K is overstepping my boundaries and M is letting her and helping her do so and nothing is being done about it I just have to take it and my mom told me that I’m blowing all out of proportion and to relax and forget about it.
I’m not going to forget about it, I’m going to remember this 10 years down the line when you want to come back into my life after I go no contact with all of them. I rarely feel safe in the house and I just want my own space. I don’t have a job so I don’t have an income to start saving up and move out. I just want K to leave, I haven’t had a break since she started living here.
AITAH?
2024.05.15 23:09 Rude_Door1504 Where is everyone from?
Hey so I thought I'd meet people from my own country. I'm from India. Where is everyone from? It would be awesome to meet some people from my country and maybe get to know them. If you're from Asia, let's be friends.
Also I'm gonna type some lyrics from Tame Impala to make the post more than 200 characters...
Someone said they left together I ran out the door to get her She was holding hands with Trevor Not the greatest feeling ever Said, "Pull yourself together You should try your luck with Heather" Then I heard they slept together Oh, the less I know the better The less I know the better Oh my love, can't you see yourself by my side? No surprise when you're on his shoulder like every night Oh my love, can't you see that you're on my mind? Don't suppose we could convince your lover to change his mind Welcome to Gboard clipboard, any text that you copy will be saved here. So goodbye...
submitted by Rude_Door1504 to BPD [link] [comments]
Also I'm gonna type some lyrics from Tame Impala to make the post more than 200 characters...
Someone said they left together I ran out the door to get her She was holding hands with Trevor Not the greatest feeling ever Said, "Pull yourself together You should try your luck with Heather" Then I heard they slept together Oh, the less I know the better The less I know the better Oh my love, can't you see yourself by my side? No surprise when you're on his shoulder like every night Oh my love, can't you see that you're on my mind? Don't suppose we could convince your lover to change his mind Welcome to Gboard clipboard, any text that you copy will be saved here. So goodbye...
2024.05.15 23:05 xandaar337 Back and Leg Pain, getting the run-around.
- 36 Male, 5'11, 250 lbs. Located in California, USA.
- Types of providers seen/tried: Chiropractor, Physical Therapist, Massage Therapist, Internal Medicine, Family Medicine, Pain Management, Neurosurgery, Neurology, Rheumatologist.
- Spinal Stenosis, Degenerative Disk Disease, PTSD (In therapy and medicated 8 years), sleep apnea (on CPAP 5 years), and high cholesterol (On a statin for 5 years).
- Exercise: Stretching and core exercises 3+ times a week. Recently able to walk daily with a cane and a slow/moderate pace for 30+ minutes. Have gone to the gym for years, typically 3x a week for weightlifting and cardio.
- Recent non-drinker, smoked in my 20's but quit. Occasional THC gummy for pain.
- X-Ray and MRI findings below. They are both from this month.
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MRI FINDINGS:
Alignment: Straightening of the normal lumbar curvature
Bone marrow: No marrow edema
Vertebral bodies: Multilevel degenerative changes of the lumbar spine characterized by scattered disc desiccation, osteophyte formation, disc bulges. Level by level discussion of the spinal canal and neural foramina as follows:
L1-L2: No significant neural foraminal or spinal canal stenosis.
L2-L3: No significant neural foraminal or spinal canal stenosis.
L3-L4: Disc bulge. No significant neural foraminal stenosis
L4-L5: Disc bulge with superimposed central disc protrusion. Facet arthrosis. Severe spinal canal stenosis, increased from prior.
L5-S1: Disc bulge and facet arthrosis. Mass effect on traversing nerve roots.
Spinal Canal: Congenitally narrowing of the spinal canal. Conus terminates at the L1 level
Paraspinal Soft Tissues: Atrophy of the paraspinous musculature
XRAY FINDINGS:
There is some persistent very mild levorotatory curvature of the lumbar spine noted on the AP view. On the lateral views, there is some persistent very mild grade 1 retrolisthesis of L4 on L5, which increases slightly with extension and reduces completely with flexion. Lumbar spinal alignment otherwise remains intact, with no fractures or other subluxations evident. There are relatively stable mild degenerative spondylitic type changes noted, again most pronounced at the L4 level. Vertebral body heights and intervertebral disc spaces appear well-maintained. There are no pars defects identified.
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I have not been in any accidents. My back has always been sensitive. Starting at age 19, I've had bouts of intense lower back pain that have become almost constant. I was pretty active at the time and about 60 pounds lighter than I am now. About 5 ago (age 31) I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis and have received multiple epidural injections. They stopped working, so I was sent to a new Neurosurgeon for a second opinion. He recommended facet joint injections. If needed, he recommended the path forward to potentially be back flexion x-rays for a stability check, nerve ablation, and then back surgery to either decompress or stabilize the spine.
I did the facet joint injections almost a month ago. The facet joint injections worked wonderfully for about a week but the following week, pain built to the point that I was sent to the ED by my Neurosurgeon's nurse. I had severe pain in my lower back and outer-facing portion of the left leg and I'm not sure how I was even walking. I also had some tingling and numbness in my left leg, plus some possible incontinence (#1 and #2. It was just a little bit each time, so I didn't know for sure). I was in the ED for 10 hours for an MRI and a Norco, and was sent home because the spine specialist wouldn't answer his/her pages.
Another nurse from the neurosurgeon called a few days later and recommended I use a cane until I can see the MD or PA for a follow-up. They also ordered spine/back flexion xrays, which only showed minor abnormal movement of the vertebrae. The cane does really help! But unfortunately, if I go without it for even 15 minutes, the pain flares back up again. I don't always need to put my weight on it either. It seems to help me balance.
I just saw the PA yesterday and she did a lengthy physical exam to find out what hurts, check strength, et cetera. She was miffed at my use of a cane and didn't believe the stenosis had anything to do with the pain because "the pain *should* be near my tailbone". The worst pain is in fact from bellybutton-down on my back, then my left buttcheek down to my knee. She prescribed gabapentin and physical therapy even though I've done both before. A lot of us with chronic pain recognize the gabapentin/PT combo late down the line as the professional's kiss-off. She didn't mention any plan of honoring the MD's course of action. I left her office in tears because I didn't feel heard or seen, and hobbled back to my car.
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I'm at a loss with how to move forward. I would like some reasonable relief from the pain so that I can go on outings with my family comfortably, get back in the gym (I was going regularly before this most recent incident)or go for a walk without a cane. I would also like to keep up with the spinal stenosis so I don't become paralyzed or incontinent. These are the paths forward I am considering, and would really appreciate some input:
- Stop going to the doctor. Try to manage with the cane and OTC pain relief and THC gummies. Either there's nothing more they can do for me, my symptoms aren't "severe" enough because I can still walk, I'm going to the wrong kind of doctor, or they think I'm a loon.
- Go to PT and take the gabapentin. Whether it works or not, I'll have something to report back to the PA.
- Schedule an appointment with the Neurosurgeon to straighten things out, possibly without seeing the PA again.
- Return to my PCP and get another referral, possibly to a different specialty at his suggestion.
2024.05.15 23:03 Beautiful-Brush-5593 radio pouch on lbv/lbe webbing
I was wondering where do you guys put your radio pouch on a lbe/lbv belt webbing? I tried mine on the left shoulders but I can't take aim when I switch my stock for the left side.
submitted by Beautiful-Brush-5593 to tacticalgear [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 23:02 littleshinynova Is my fwb playing games?
I am a 26F and currently in a situationship with a 21M that is also a coworker. We met randomly one night while I was going home and he tried to chat me up in the break room. Usually I ignore guys coming onto me, but he stood out and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. We kept running into each other, and even when he would talk to other girls, he would stop and say hi to me. I must add: he is very popular with the girls. Eventually I initiated conversation with him and asked for his instagram, through there I got his number. We went on a date a week later, but I wasn’t sure it was a date because I had just got out of a 8 yr relationship, so when he tried to get near me and invited me to his place, I declined. Fast forward, he stood me up on the 2nd date and another time I tried to just hook up (but I think he didn’t know that’s what I intended). I messaged him shortly after and admitted I didn’t want a relationship because I am not ready for one and I didn’t end my relationship because of him, which it seemed so from his pov. That I am just looking for something physical and he showed interest in that.
A month later, he messaged me out of the blue and he tried to hook up last minute. I declined, but I told him to try again and we started messaging a lot on snap and even exchanged some dirty pics. One day I saw him with another female coworker and felt he saw him looking, but it was because I realized why I was getting dirty looks from that girl. I felt awkward and messaged him later that night saying I’m not jealous and don’t care what he does, I just don’t want it to be awkward with us. He admitted he doesn’t know what I was referring to, and that girl is just a friend. The next day he finally made a date to hook up and followed through. It was a nice experience and we did it twice in one day. We cuddled, chatted, and he bought me some food. When he dropped me off, he said he wanted to do it again and even kissed me to say goodbye. He proceeded to message me everyday and always came up to me at work. He even checked on me when I got injured at work. A week later I set up another day to hook up and he sounds very eager through text. He messaged me through the day, and then cancelled last minute because he still wasn’t feeling well from an intense hangover. I didn’t believe him considering the past experience and didn’t take it too well. The next day at work, I gave him the cold shoulder but realized how unwell he looked. I felt bad and bought him an electrolyte drink to say sorry, and it made him very happy. A few days later I message him and we had a funny conversation about work drama and I explained why I get so nervous around him at work because I don’t want to get him fired if people were to find out the truth (he is in a leadership position). I proceed to tell him about a time my coworker told his best friend (his best friend of 10yrs works with us) that I thought the bf is charming. He left me on read when I told him that, and I called him out on it asking if I said something wrong. He admitted he prefers I keep those compliments to myself because that’s his family, and I thought it was so weird, but told him sorry I crossed that boundary. That same day at work, he saw me from far away and walked straight towards me to say hi and ask how I am doing, despite him having to monitor as a lead.
We stopped messaging as much, and today I messaged him asking if he still wants to be fwb and he said yes. Then I followed up I want to try again since I was so nervous last time, and then he just left me on read…. It’s been a couple of hours, and usually he responds pretty quick after opening messages…. However he has been leaving me on read more often and I am so confused. He is so hot and cold. Am I overthinking? Is he playing games? He is so young. Sorry for the long post, but the context is important. Thx yall.
submitted by littleshinynova to datingadvice [link] [comments]
A month later, he messaged me out of the blue and he tried to hook up last minute. I declined, but I told him to try again and we started messaging a lot on snap and even exchanged some dirty pics. One day I saw him with another female coworker and felt he saw him looking, but it was because I realized why I was getting dirty looks from that girl. I felt awkward and messaged him later that night saying I’m not jealous and don’t care what he does, I just don’t want it to be awkward with us. He admitted he doesn’t know what I was referring to, and that girl is just a friend. The next day he finally made a date to hook up and followed through. It was a nice experience and we did it twice in one day. We cuddled, chatted, and he bought me some food. When he dropped me off, he said he wanted to do it again and even kissed me to say goodbye. He proceeded to message me everyday and always came up to me at work. He even checked on me when I got injured at work. A week later I set up another day to hook up and he sounds very eager through text. He messaged me through the day, and then cancelled last minute because he still wasn’t feeling well from an intense hangover. I didn’t believe him considering the past experience and didn’t take it too well. The next day at work, I gave him the cold shoulder but realized how unwell he looked. I felt bad and bought him an electrolyte drink to say sorry, and it made him very happy. A few days later I message him and we had a funny conversation about work drama and I explained why I get so nervous around him at work because I don’t want to get him fired if people were to find out the truth (he is in a leadership position). I proceed to tell him about a time my coworker told his best friend (his best friend of 10yrs works with us) that I thought the bf is charming. He left me on read when I told him that, and I called him out on it asking if I said something wrong. He admitted he prefers I keep those compliments to myself because that’s his family, and I thought it was so weird, but told him sorry I crossed that boundary. That same day at work, he saw me from far away and walked straight towards me to say hi and ask how I am doing, despite him having to monitor as a lead.
We stopped messaging as much, and today I messaged him asking if he still wants to be fwb and he said yes. Then I followed up I want to try again since I was so nervous last time, and then he just left me on read…. It’s been a couple of hours, and usually he responds pretty quick after opening messages…. However he has been leaving me on read more often and I am so confused. He is so hot and cold. Am I overthinking? Is he playing games? He is so young. Sorry for the long post, but the context is important. Thx yall.
2024.05.15 22:59 Forsaken-Fan-1934 Is there a scam where the scammer moves in?
Throwaway account. I lived with my brother who has a boyfriend he met online (who I had no idea even existed before last week). This boyfriend showed up at the house out of the blue and is now suddenly moving in. My brother went from acting like the unexpected visit was inconvenient and saying "he's just visiting and can't stay long because he has a job he has to go back to" to telling me that he isn't leaving and is just going to live here now in less than a week. This boyfriend left in the middle of the night to drive a long distance to come here without asking my brother first as far as I know. It doesn't seem like he speaks much english (my brother speaks two languages because he went to university in a different country). When I tried making conversation I asked his boyfriend what he does for work and he told me something different than what he told my brother. My brother acted like that wasn't concerning. His boyfriend also looks a lot older than the age my brother told me. I don't want to give too many details because my brother uses reddit but everything about it is suspicious to me. I don't think there ever was a job for the boyfriend to go back to. He moved here with no belongings and has none that he intends to bring. I don't think he ever intended on leaving in the first place. We live in a rural area where there isn't an abundance of jobs for people that don't speak english or spanish. My brother makes a lot of money and we live in a LCOL area. He refuses to answer any questions about this man including his name and the only things I know about their relationship is that they met online less than a year ago and only met once in person before this which I also didn't know about. It was like pulling teeth to even get him to tell me that. I can't ask the boyfriend many questions either because of the language barrier and because he avoids me at all costs and will not come out of my brother's bedroom if I'm home. Our parents are very religious and conservative and don't know my brother is gay so I can't tell them about it. Nobody in his life knows about this relationship but me, and the whole situation is pushing us apart to the point that I moved out ASAP when it became clear he wasn't/isn't going to tell me anything and just expected me to live with a stranger. He doesn't really have many friends here besides me. He's never been this secretive before, like he can't even tell his sibling who he lives with his boyfriend's name? Suspicious af. He's never been in a relationship before this and I think someone in his position is very easy to take advantage of, and it only seems to be isolating him further. I did consider that his secrecy around the relationship could be because of internalized homophobia but I'm bisexual and he knows this, and I've known he was gay since we were teenagers so I don't think that would be his reason for being this private about it. I told some of my friends the details and they are convinced his boyfriend is a cryptoscammer. I read about what those kind of scams/romance scams usually entail but it doesn't seem like any of them ever meet in person or end up moving in. Does anyone know if there is a scam where the scammer moves in? He won't tell me anything and I'm really concerned.
submitted by Forsaken-Fan-1934 to Scams [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 22:54 SmartAcanthaceae6189 Reparing a lot of broken controllers for various systems
 | Hi. A while ago I bought a lot of broken controllers from Tradera (Swedish Ebay). They where all sold as "broken", but I thought it would be fun to see how many I could get working again. Fixing controllers is something I have done for a while now, but this was the largest lot so far, and the one with the newest controllers in it. submitted by SmartAcanthaceae6189 to consolerepair [link] [comments] I totally spent ~€30 for the controllers +€10 shipping. For parts that I didn't already have I spent an additional €10 from Ali Express. How did I do? Here is a list of the controllers, as numbered on image 1, and what was wrong, and if I could fix it. 1: Powerpad Pro - OG Xbox controller (Fixed) Broken cord at the strain relief and bad left analog joystick. Cut back the cord and soldered the potentiometers for the left analog stick. I had the potentiometers in my parts box. 2: GameTech - Playstation 2 controller (Fixed) Broken cord and broken plastic that hold the vibration motors. Had a PS2 cord from another broken controller that I replaced the bad one with. and epoxy glued the plastic. 3: Xbox One Microsoft controller 1 (Not Fixed) This one was missing both back handle grips, battery cover, left bumper and really bad thumbsticks. But the worst part was that one of the connectors that interconnects the two PCB's was ripped from the board with almost all the pads. I ended up using the face plate from this controller on the other Xbox One. 4: Playstation 3 wireless controller (Not Fixed) Completely dead. The PCB had massive corrosion around the chips, the shell was broken and awful thumb sticks. 5: PowerA Nintendo Switch controller (Fixed) Was missing both thumb sticks, the Micro USB cord and one of the thumb stick bezels. Ended up buying new thumb stick and board from Ali Express, along with bezels for a Xbox One Elite controller. The bezel did not fit, so I had to file down most of the hooks to make it click in place. 6: PowerA Xbox One controller (Fixed) This ad a few faults. It was missing the en of the USB cord (it has the same adapter cable as Xbox 360 wired controllers has), one of the thumb sticks were destroyed (chewed on?), one of the rumble motors where stuck, and one of the trigger buttons were broken. I ordered now thumb sticks and the cord from Ali Express, I removed the motor and got it freed up, lubed and got it running from my bench power supply for a good 20 minutes before I soldered it back. The broken trigger I used a combination of melting the plastic back together and epoxy, seems to hold fine. 7: Xbox One Microsoft controller 2 (Fixed) This had bad thumb sticks, bad left analog stick, no battery cover and a piece broken on one of the back grips. I used the face plate from the other Xbox One controller. Replaced the left analog stick and both thumb sticks, that I all had in my parts box. I ordered a now battery cover from Ali Express. I fixed the grip with solder wick, epoxy and spray paint. 8: Playstation 5 controller (Not Fixed) This one was missing the face plate, both thumb stick bezels, battery and one shoulder button. The frame was cracked in multiple places, one rumble motor wire was cut. I connected it to a PC with USB-C and jumping the + and temp pins on the battery connector to make it start without a battery. But most of the buttons didn't work, so I did not take it any further. 9: Arcadium Nintendo Game Cube controller (Not Fixed) Probably the only issue with this was the cord was broken internally but I did not replace it. Mainly becuse the controller is coated with the rubber that deteriorates and becomes sticky. 10 & 11: SNES style USB controller (Fixed) Both these had the same issues. The wires had come loose from the PCB and the cords had cuts in them (only on the outer insulator). I put some heat shrink tubing on the cuts and reconnected the wires to the PCB. 12: Xbox 360 Wireless controller (Fixed) This had bad thumb sticks, bad left analog stick & no battery holder. All of these was things I had in my parts box, so this was a quick and easy fix. |
2024.05.15 22:54 konradpw Looking for input for my modern post-apicalpytic greek mythology setting. Any opinion or input is welcome.
Looking for Ideas for my next Campaign
Heyo everyone,
First of all, thank you wonderful people for joining me here. Firstly a short Overview of the setting, some ideas for the story and then i will throw a few extras in at the end. Would be happy to hear everyones thoughts to all of this, what you love or hate, what kind of cool and crazy ideas you have for me and yeah thats it actually :D Lets get into it.
System: i will be using the Cypher system, as it gives me the Narative focus with plenty of customization and adaptiblity. I havent been doing too much with it yet, but i really like it already from readying and listening a bit to plays.
Setting: This is where it gets mythical. So imagine a world just like ours. Actually exactly our world. A few years in the future some archelogists and divers find Pandoras Box hidden on a greek island in an underwater cave with plenty of warning. and even logbook with it. Its Odyseus's logbook, in which he mentioned he trapped all the gods and magic in that box with the help of Circe and a few of the other more benevolent gods. Thus started the golden age of humanity where they didnt have to worry about annoying a bunch of superpowerful self absorbed mythical assholes on Olympus.
Surprisingly, the archelogists actually listened to Odyseus warning and decided that some mysteries might be better left unsolved. The box was left open to allow the world the speculate. Not long after that, the box was the most important and most talked about object in the world. It even went on a world tour through the biggest museums. That was until it arrived in America. In the years since 2024, interest in Social media and influencers only increased, causing people to do anything for clicks and likes. And one particular idiot went as far as sneaking a gun into a museum to shoot open pandoras box live on Stream.
Not long after that, 90% of the world population died. As the contained magic exploded forth and spread across the world in light speed, it wrecked havoc across the whole world, changing the land, the animals and the people. Monsters reappered, The gods made their anger at their imprisonment clear to anyone they could and the world offically ended on that day.
Now, 40 days in the future, North America is a wasteland generally regarded as inhabitable due to the high concentration of Mana there, which is toxic to Humans. Most people live in Europe, Africa, Asia and australia, or whats left of it anyways. Famine and war are standard. Some people are training to use magic themselves, others devote themselves to hunting the new monsters for their rare parts, others integrate magic into technology for wonderous creations and most just try to survive in small communities. Most people avoid the gods at all cost, some have formed into cults for them while the rare few attempt to rebel (which often ends in gruesome deaths).
Now the players find themselves in a familar yet unknown world, Magic everywhere to be found, Horrible creatures ready to feast on them around each corner, Ruined cities promising loot and danger, Technology growing rapidly thanks to magic and Powerful beings toying with them for their amusement.
Adventure: So I want to sent the players to North america as part of a huge strikeforce to retrieve a part of pandoras box for study to maybe capture the gods again. obviously this will be a huge secret, they will think its to retrieve vital knowledge to fight a spreading plague as will most of the expiditions members to avoid the eyes of the gods. They will be teleported to America through a new device, but will be forced to travel back on their own accord. Which will lead them to a container ship that holds their strikeforce and some survivors they will find to travel back over the ocean. TIME FOR AN ODYSEE. Everything will go wrong on the trip, i wanna challange the players with impossible emotional choices like maybe during a famine on board some passangers will eat the dead. Should they be punished? Or when the ship is hit by a monster, should we seal a part of the ship to prevent more of the ship taking in water, even if most people couldnt evacuate yet.
I want the players to distinguish themselves during their time in NA to allow them to tale the command of the ship, maybe the commander of the expdition is heavily wounded ( dont want to kill them off, because someone gotta reveal they carry a shard of the box with them). That way all of the decision will be upon them.
I want them to also meet poseidon, who will be their main villain. He will attack them multiple times and the only way they will survive is often with big casualties, with help of other gods or magical artifacts. Other gods will be involved too. Maybe someone from the backgrounds of the player gets involved to murder them. And the two gods trying to kill them , with the bickering giving them a way to escape. In the end they can either kill a god using the piece of the box, or bring the piece home for future use. Will they be able to protect themselves and their people from poseidon, or do they have to strike his heart with their piece of pandoras box. When presented with an opportunity to kill another god, the god who hurt the players the most by killing family and friends, will they take this chance or will they be able to control their rage.
I want to leave this very open ended, just with many encounters ready to go if the opportunity present itself.
And i have to say, Epic: the musical was a big part of the inspiration, just want to give credit where its due. Absolutly amazing.
Here id be happy to hear your ideas. Anything is fine, good or bad opinions. Really just collecting thoughts now.
Some other cool things about the world i will include: Shades: when people were hit by the explosion of mana from the opening of the box, most disintegrated instantly. Some left behind a shade made of pure mana. Those shades are like ghosts on autopilot that follow the routine of the person that it once was. They are usually neutral just doing their thing, but if they sense a disturbance to their regular routine, they will react hostile. As incorperal beings they are incredibly difficult to stop unless you possess magic. They will use the mana inside them to overload you and kill you slow and painfully
Mana/magic: so mana is plentiful and everywhere. It can be used to cast spells and empower oneself. How to do this, is a difficult skill the players will learn during their adventure. The only problem is that mana is toxic to humans as our bodies evolved something like mana allergy. Players can cast spells from their internal force as well if they have one (like divine power born with or purified mana they gained through meditation) so caster classes have a few safe options. But in the end, i want players to pursue a game of risk and reward, by drawing on the mana around them, giving them abilities but also causing many negative effects.
submitted by konradpw to rpg [link] [comments]
Heyo everyone,
First of all, thank you wonderful people for joining me here. Firstly a short Overview of the setting, some ideas for the story and then i will throw a few extras in at the end. Would be happy to hear everyones thoughts to all of this, what you love or hate, what kind of cool and crazy ideas you have for me and yeah thats it actually :D Lets get into it.
System: i will be using the Cypher system, as it gives me the Narative focus with plenty of customization and adaptiblity. I havent been doing too much with it yet, but i really like it already from readying and listening a bit to plays.
Setting: This is where it gets mythical. So imagine a world just like ours. Actually exactly our world. A few years in the future some archelogists and divers find Pandoras Box hidden on a greek island in an underwater cave with plenty of warning. and even logbook with it. Its Odyseus's logbook, in which he mentioned he trapped all the gods and magic in that box with the help of Circe and a few of the other more benevolent gods. Thus started the golden age of humanity where they didnt have to worry about annoying a bunch of superpowerful self absorbed mythical assholes on Olympus.
Surprisingly, the archelogists actually listened to Odyseus warning and decided that some mysteries might be better left unsolved. The box was left open to allow the world the speculate. Not long after that, the box was the most important and most talked about object in the world. It even went on a world tour through the biggest museums. That was until it arrived in America. In the years since 2024, interest in Social media and influencers only increased, causing people to do anything for clicks and likes. And one particular idiot went as far as sneaking a gun into a museum to shoot open pandoras box live on Stream.
Not long after that, 90% of the world population died. As the contained magic exploded forth and spread across the world in light speed, it wrecked havoc across the whole world, changing the land, the animals and the people. Monsters reappered, The gods made their anger at their imprisonment clear to anyone they could and the world offically ended on that day.
Now, 40 days in the future, North America is a wasteland generally regarded as inhabitable due to the high concentration of Mana there, which is toxic to Humans. Most people live in Europe, Africa, Asia and australia, or whats left of it anyways. Famine and war are standard. Some people are training to use magic themselves, others devote themselves to hunting the new monsters for their rare parts, others integrate magic into technology for wonderous creations and most just try to survive in small communities. Most people avoid the gods at all cost, some have formed into cults for them while the rare few attempt to rebel (which often ends in gruesome deaths).
Now the players find themselves in a familar yet unknown world, Magic everywhere to be found, Horrible creatures ready to feast on them around each corner, Ruined cities promising loot and danger, Technology growing rapidly thanks to magic and Powerful beings toying with them for their amusement.
Adventure: So I want to sent the players to North america as part of a huge strikeforce to retrieve a part of pandoras box for study to maybe capture the gods again. obviously this will be a huge secret, they will think its to retrieve vital knowledge to fight a spreading plague as will most of the expiditions members to avoid the eyes of the gods. They will be teleported to America through a new device, but will be forced to travel back on their own accord. Which will lead them to a container ship that holds their strikeforce and some survivors they will find to travel back over the ocean. TIME FOR AN ODYSEE. Everything will go wrong on the trip, i wanna challange the players with impossible emotional choices like maybe during a famine on board some passangers will eat the dead. Should they be punished? Or when the ship is hit by a monster, should we seal a part of the ship to prevent more of the ship taking in water, even if most people couldnt evacuate yet.
I want the players to distinguish themselves during their time in NA to allow them to tale the command of the ship, maybe the commander of the expdition is heavily wounded ( dont want to kill them off, because someone gotta reveal they carry a shard of the box with them). That way all of the decision will be upon them.
I want them to also meet poseidon, who will be their main villain. He will attack them multiple times and the only way they will survive is often with big casualties, with help of other gods or magical artifacts. Other gods will be involved too. Maybe someone from the backgrounds of the player gets involved to murder them. And the two gods trying to kill them , with the bickering giving them a way to escape. In the end they can either kill a god using the piece of the box, or bring the piece home for future use. Will they be able to protect themselves and their people from poseidon, or do they have to strike his heart with their piece of pandoras box. When presented with an opportunity to kill another god, the god who hurt the players the most by killing family and friends, will they take this chance or will they be able to control their rage.
I want to leave this very open ended, just with many encounters ready to go if the opportunity present itself.
And i have to say, Epic: the musical was a big part of the inspiration, just want to give credit where its due. Absolutly amazing.
Here id be happy to hear your ideas. Anything is fine, good or bad opinions. Really just collecting thoughts now.
Some other cool things about the world i will include: Shades: when people were hit by the explosion of mana from the opening of the box, most disintegrated instantly. Some left behind a shade made of pure mana. Those shades are like ghosts on autopilot that follow the routine of the person that it once was. They are usually neutral just doing their thing, but if they sense a disturbance to their regular routine, they will react hostile. As incorperal beings they are incredibly difficult to stop unless you possess magic. They will use the mana inside them to overload you and kill you slow and painfully
Mana/magic: so mana is plentiful and everywhere. It can be used to cast spells and empower oneself. How to do this, is a difficult skill the players will learn during their adventure. The only problem is that mana is toxic to humans as our bodies evolved something like mana allergy. Players can cast spells from their internal force as well if they have one (like divine power born with or purified mana they gained through meditation) so caster classes have a few safe options. But in the end, i want players to pursue a game of risk and reward, by drawing on the mana around them, giving them abilities but also causing many negative effects.
2024.05.15 22:50 BS_DD4_16_24 DD confrontation and her reaction
My previous post covers some relationship history and issues we've been having
It's been a long time since I felt the need to look in her phone but I did this time she left it out.
I saw a recent image sent in chat on Snapchat she had sent someone of neck down cleavage at 8 pm a week before I found it. Taken during the day. Shirt and bra clearly adjusted to have her popping out way more than usual. Glass of wine. Clearly took some work and forethought. He saved the picture. He also saved a comment the next morning. It was a reply to a video she had sent where he said "best day ever of my life."
She had mentioned trying one of those "get the right size bra" things but said it was way too small of a cup and she was popping out of it. I didn't get to see it before it got returned but seemed like he got a picture.
Heart drops. Shaking hand. I'm in shock but I take a couple pictures with my phone and a video of their saved chat history, his username, start date (6 months ago). A bunch of cute but tame selfies with our kids. One more tame snap with one of our kids sent an hour before while I was getting the older one to bed. Checked a couple other places like texts, pictures, and Facebook quick to see if there was anything else recent. Nope. Put the phone back to avoid getting caught in the moment and retreated to the basement to calm down and process it.
I confronted her that night after she got into bed, recording audio with my phone. Mentioned how she should go bra and panty shopping and get some good stuff in person now that our youngest is getting older and she has her body back. That [snap username] would probably enjoy it. No reaction. I repeated it. "Huh?" "Who" I still remember the confused/expressionless face she held while I repeated the name again and she finally said "Oh. Him." Like damn right him. She denied doing anything inappropriate. I said well then you and I have vastly different definitions of inappropriate and showed her the picture of it and asked what other videos she had sent that night. She broke down a bit and said that the picture was a mistake but she hadn't sent anything else. I asked what the video was and she "didn't remember." I said I don't believe that for a second. It's only been a week and was sent right after a cleavage shot? I don't believe it for a second. She still "doesn't remember" as of today. Who is it? "My ex." I asked her how long it had been going on for. "Doesn't remember." I said stop lying. I don't believe you. And "I don't remember" just means I'm going to assume the worst and act that way so it's better if you tell me that truth. That my assumption is full nude/masturbating/etc and it she doesn't remember when it started because it never stopped. Her memory still wasn't working. I showed her the picture of when their friendship started 6 months ago and left the bedroom.
She came after me and it continued with more of the same until late in the night. Her saying that our marriage and kids mean everything to her and she sorry she fucked up and will do anything to make up for it. Apologized for the last few years of resentment fueled attacks and arguments. promised to make a change and that she would do whatever it takes to fix it. I told her that my trust was completely broken but that I wouldnt give up on our marriage and would give her another chance to fix it for the sake of our kids. I just don't know how to fix it and I need time to cope and think and process the shock. That we should see a therapist and I probably need one for myself too. Meanwhile she's not volunteering any more information that I hadn't already discovered myself. Just saying that they only talked about life stuff and she didn't care about him at all but she could vent to him about me. Again, "nothing inappropriate." Which I shut down hard again. That's still an emotional affair with someone you have a history with and if it hasn't been sexual the whole time it's definitely trending there now.
Ended up going to bed at the same time together, tired and emotionally drained. We had sex. It's been too long since we were intimate and I told her we can try to end the night on a positive.
I couldn't sleep.
Over the next days, I started reading whatever I could find about affair recovery. Found some therapist articles and videos. Found this sub and the other related ones. Followed some links. Went to work. Talked to her late into the night after the kids went to sleep. It kept bugging me that she didn't seem to be willing to be fully honest with me. She definitely made other changes and has been helping more around the house and being a lot nicer like when we were dating. Offering time for me to do things for myself and being receptive and showing empathy for my emotions. Still not willing to really share anything that didn't get discovered. Doesn't remember anything else. Says "nothing inappropriate happened." I tried to explain that I can try and move on and work to rebuild the relationship and that I appreciate it that she was making a good effort to make those changes, but that my trust was broken and continuing to lie about the content, extent, etc. would just tear all that work down when it came out. That I needed her to be totally honest and not put her guilt or shame or whatever ahead of the need to disclose everything and end the lies or I might never trust her again.
I asked her to let me go through her phone. She initially said yes. I also said I wasn't comfortable with her staying on Snapchat and I'd like her to delete it. She didn't share the phone right away and then later in the talk changed her mind saying she wasn't comfortable because she was feeling attacked. I said I don't like that answer because it seems selfish and she hasn't shown that she deserves privacy. And what happened to the "I'll do anything to fix it" promise because our marriage and kids are the most important thing to her? She still said she wasn't comfortable with it after I went behind her back to look at it. Typical cheater excuses and deflection, right? I told her she's on exceedingly thin ice and that she had better not delete anything. I allowed it, thinking internally it can serve as a test because I'm already checking out and losing faith that she'll do what it takes to reconcile or change. Also knowing she probably wouldn't think to clear out the trash and she'd do my work for me to smoke out anything she's hiding. I checked the next day and there were a bunch of pictures sent to trash that day. Oddly enough, nothing that bad from the quick peek I got. Mirror shot of her back but fully clothed was the closest thing to sexual. Didn't say anything yet, figuring I'd wait until the kids went to sleep and see if she'd give up the phone willingly and find them there in the trash. Before that though, I noticed on my phone that she disappeared off of Snapchat. Asked her if she deleted it already and she said "yeah, you asked me to." To which I said yeah, but that was when you agreed to show me first. When you prevented that, I told you not to delete anything and it seems like you just used that as an excuse to justify covering your tracks. Also, that deleted all of our saved snaps in chat of our relationship and our kids from both sides. I said I would have liked to back those up because she used it regularly to capture memories instead of her camera.
Whatever. Turns out Snapchat doesn't actually delete anything for 30 days and they come back if you download and log in, so nice try I guess?
She told me his name at one point but I'm bad with names and forgot it in the stress. I looked at her phone again in the middle of the night. Found a conversation between them on instagram from when she was ~7mo pregnant with our first. He initiated, asking to see her sexy belly and she was quick to comply. Went back and forth with compliments and pictures and he asked to video chat. She said she didn't want to because she looked big and exhausted. He said not now, but what about ever? She didn't respond. What do you know, a few days later he spontaneously decided to reinstall Snapchat and asked to add her, giving the same username as the one I saw but his real name was on instagram. Then that went silent. Theres a 3.5 yr gap from then to the latest add. He seems to delete and make new snapchat accounts often. I took a video of the chat history. Go to take an extra picture of the contact info. Fuck! Phone has flash on and she stirs. Oh well. I'm pissed and I don't really care if she catches me. I just don't say anything when she asks what I was doing, but I've got more evidence saved now and I'm
trying to figure out how to check the rest thoroughly before it's totally scrubbed or I'll never be able to confirm anything she says when the gaslighting comes.
He's been married for over 10 years. Has 3 kids. No wonder he has to delete Snapchat
submitted by BS_DD4_16_24 to SupportforBetrayed [link] [comments]
It's been a long time since I felt the need to look in her phone but I did this time she left it out.
I saw a recent image sent in chat on Snapchat she had sent someone of neck down cleavage at 8 pm a week before I found it. Taken during the day. Shirt and bra clearly adjusted to have her popping out way more than usual. Glass of wine. Clearly took some work and forethought. He saved the picture. He also saved a comment the next morning. It was a reply to a video she had sent where he said "best day ever of my life."
She had mentioned trying one of those "get the right size bra" things but said it was way too small of a cup and she was popping out of it. I didn't get to see it before it got returned but seemed like he got a picture.
Heart drops. Shaking hand. I'm in shock but I take a couple pictures with my phone and a video of their saved chat history, his username, start date (6 months ago). A bunch of cute but tame selfies with our kids. One more tame snap with one of our kids sent an hour before while I was getting the older one to bed. Checked a couple other places like texts, pictures, and Facebook quick to see if there was anything else recent. Nope. Put the phone back to avoid getting caught in the moment and retreated to the basement to calm down and process it.
I confronted her that night after she got into bed, recording audio with my phone. Mentioned how she should go bra and panty shopping and get some good stuff in person now that our youngest is getting older and she has her body back. That [snap username] would probably enjoy it. No reaction. I repeated it. "Huh?" "Who" I still remember the confused/expressionless face she held while I repeated the name again and she finally said "Oh. Him." Like damn right him. She denied doing anything inappropriate. I said well then you and I have vastly different definitions of inappropriate and showed her the picture of it and asked what other videos she had sent that night. She broke down a bit and said that the picture was a mistake but she hadn't sent anything else. I asked what the video was and she "didn't remember." I said I don't believe that for a second. It's only been a week and was sent right after a cleavage shot? I don't believe it for a second. She still "doesn't remember" as of today. Who is it? "My ex." I asked her how long it had been going on for. "Doesn't remember." I said stop lying. I don't believe you. And "I don't remember" just means I'm going to assume the worst and act that way so it's better if you tell me that truth. That my assumption is full nude/masturbating/etc and it she doesn't remember when it started because it never stopped. Her memory still wasn't working. I showed her the picture of when their friendship started 6 months ago and left the bedroom.
She came after me and it continued with more of the same until late in the night. Her saying that our marriage and kids mean everything to her and she sorry she fucked up and will do anything to make up for it. Apologized for the last few years of resentment fueled attacks and arguments. promised to make a change and that she would do whatever it takes to fix it. I told her that my trust was completely broken but that I wouldnt give up on our marriage and would give her another chance to fix it for the sake of our kids. I just don't know how to fix it and I need time to cope and think and process the shock. That we should see a therapist and I probably need one for myself too. Meanwhile she's not volunteering any more information that I hadn't already discovered myself. Just saying that they only talked about life stuff and she didn't care about him at all but she could vent to him about me. Again, "nothing inappropriate." Which I shut down hard again. That's still an emotional affair with someone you have a history with and if it hasn't been sexual the whole time it's definitely trending there now.
Ended up going to bed at the same time together, tired and emotionally drained. We had sex. It's been too long since we were intimate and I told her we can try to end the night on a positive.
I couldn't sleep.
Over the next days, I started reading whatever I could find about affair recovery. Found some therapist articles and videos. Found this sub and the other related ones. Followed some links. Went to work. Talked to her late into the night after the kids went to sleep. It kept bugging me that she didn't seem to be willing to be fully honest with me. She definitely made other changes and has been helping more around the house and being a lot nicer like when we were dating. Offering time for me to do things for myself and being receptive and showing empathy for my emotions. Still not willing to really share anything that didn't get discovered. Doesn't remember anything else. Says "nothing inappropriate happened." I tried to explain that I can try and move on and work to rebuild the relationship and that I appreciate it that she was making a good effort to make those changes, but that my trust was broken and continuing to lie about the content, extent, etc. would just tear all that work down when it came out. That I needed her to be totally honest and not put her guilt or shame or whatever ahead of the need to disclose everything and end the lies or I might never trust her again.
I asked her to let me go through her phone. She initially said yes. I also said I wasn't comfortable with her staying on Snapchat and I'd like her to delete it. She didn't share the phone right away and then later in the talk changed her mind saying she wasn't comfortable because she was feeling attacked. I said I don't like that answer because it seems selfish and she hasn't shown that she deserves privacy. And what happened to the "I'll do anything to fix it" promise because our marriage and kids are the most important thing to her? She still said she wasn't comfortable with it after I went behind her back to look at it. Typical cheater excuses and deflection, right? I told her she's on exceedingly thin ice and that she had better not delete anything. I allowed it, thinking internally it can serve as a test because I'm already checking out and losing faith that she'll do what it takes to reconcile or change. Also knowing she probably wouldn't think to clear out the trash and she'd do my work for me to smoke out anything she's hiding. I checked the next day and there were a bunch of pictures sent to trash that day. Oddly enough, nothing that bad from the quick peek I got. Mirror shot of her back but fully clothed was the closest thing to sexual. Didn't say anything yet, figuring I'd wait until the kids went to sleep and see if she'd give up the phone willingly and find them there in the trash. Before that though, I noticed on my phone that she disappeared off of Snapchat. Asked her if she deleted it already and she said "yeah, you asked me to." To which I said yeah, but that was when you agreed to show me first. When you prevented that, I told you not to delete anything and it seems like you just used that as an excuse to justify covering your tracks. Also, that deleted all of our saved snaps in chat of our relationship and our kids from both sides. I said I would have liked to back those up because she used it regularly to capture memories instead of her camera.
Whatever. Turns out Snapchat doesn't actually delete anything for 30 days and they come back if you download and log in, so nice try I guess?
She told me his name at one point but I'm bad with names and forgot it in the stress. I looked at her phone again in the middle of the night. Found a conversation between them on instagram from when she was ~7mo pregnant with our first. He initiated, asking to see her sexy belly and she was quick to comply. Went back and forth with compliments and pictures and he asked to video chat. She said she didn't want to because she looked big and exhausted. He said not now, but what about ever? She didn't respond. What do you know, a few days later he spontaneously decided to reinstall Snapchat and asked to add her, giving the same username as the one I saw but his real name was on instagram. Then that went silent. Theres a 3.5 yr gap from then to the latest add. He seems to delete and make new snapchat accounts often. I took a video of the chat history. Go to take an extra picture of the contact info. Fuck! Phone has flash on and she stirs. Oh well. I'm pissed and I don't really care if she catches me. I just don't say anything when she asks what I was doing, but I've got more evidence saved now and I'm
trying to figure out how to check the rest thoroughly before it's totally scrubbed or I'll never be able to confirm anything she says when the gaslighting comes.
He's been married for over 10 years. Has 3 kids. No wonder he has to delete Snapchat
2024.05.15 22:49 Klutzy_Dig526 Fork stop recommendations?
Got this nice long front end the other day with wargasser trees and im left debating on what to do about the fork stops. Seen guys run the chains and thats pretty cool, just not sure whats the best place to mount them on the frame. And im not too familiar with internal stops but that would be nice
submitted by Klutzy_Dig526 to choppers [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 22:40 DarthRagon House of the Dragon: Wroth of the Abyss - Excerpt 1
An idea I have been toiling with, it finally scratched my mind strong enough to escape. This is a little excerpt of the idea of a man being reincarnated into Westeros during the prelude of the Dance of the Dragons. Being born to Laena and Daemon, the blood of the dragon and the blood of the sea form a strong force in him.
"Dracarys Vhagar!" The piercing cry jolted me from sleep, sending my heart racing as I bolted upright in bed. Time seemed to stretch, the world slowing to a crawl as a familiar clicking sound echoed ominously in the air. My mind raced with a single thought: 'No, it can't be...'
Disregarding my dishevelled state and clad only in underwear, I dashed to the window, gauging the distance to the ground below. The lone palm trees swayed in the wind outside as if offering silent reassurance that the fall wouldn't be too dire.
"A body fit for the lord of the seas I was promised, let's see how that goes..." With resolve hardening my nerves, I leapt over the balcony, the rush of air accompanying my descent.
Fwoosh!
Time seemed to freeze once more as I hurtled toward the staircase leading to the beach. As I landed with a jarring impact, the scene before me unfolded in chaotic clarity. My mother lay collapsed on the sand, a trail of blood staining the shore—a broken figure in the moonlight.
"Keligon zȳhon (Stop Her), Tiamat!" I bellowed, even as flames erupted from Vhagar's jaws. With a primal roar, the sea responded, and the serpentine jaws of Tiamat, the 'dragon' that hatched with me, emerged from the waves. Her various knobs, spines and horns contrasted with her large, sinuous, white body. She surged forward from the depths, her red eyes focused and the hood around her neck flared as her powerful jaws snapped shut with a resounding crack. The clash of titanic forces reverberated through the water as Vhagar roared in defiance, its flames sputtering against the onslaught. Arcs of electricity crackled between each sharp fang, the resonance of the elements contrasting the deep of the night.
With gritted teeth, I ignored the pain from my fall and raced toward my mother's side. Vhagar's Dragonfire faltered, replaced by a pained cry as she struggled against Tiamat's grip. "Jikagon arlī (Go Back), Tiamat," I commanded, and the sea creature obediently released its hold, slipping back beneath the waves. In my mind, I could feel how concerned she was for me and my mother as well.
As Vhagar turned, disoriented and enraged, I approached cautiously, soothing words falling from my lips. "gīda, gīda, (calm, calm) Vhagar," I murmured, hoping to quell the storm raging within her.
Holding my mother in my arms, I noted that only half of her body was burnt, yet they seemed to only penetrate to the last layer of the skin. Her body was a charred remnant, I asked her to be quiet as I asked for the water's help in healing her.
In my mind, however, I felt Tiamat indicate that dragonfire was the exception. Gritting my teeth, I asked my mother,
"would... would you like me to at least save the baby painlessly?"
She nodded. I proceeded to ask the water within my mother to release the child, and it slowly began to push the baby out.
Amidst the cries of a newborn, echoing across the desolate beach, a figure descended the weathered stone stairs, casting a long, solemn shadow over the scene. The gentle lapping of the waves provided a haunting backdrop to the momentous occasion unfolding in the fading light of day.
"It's a boy, mother..." I murmured, my voice barely above a whisper, choked with emotion. "I'll call him Laenor... in your and... and ah, uncle's honour..."
Tears welled in my eyes as I swallowed the rising bile, threatening to spill over as I gazed down at the fragile bundle in my arms. His cries, though piercing, seemed to fade into the background as I focused on the woman who had given me life.
Summoning the last reserves of her strength, my mother nodded slightly as she extended a trembling hand to touch my tear-streaked face. Her touch was both searing and tender, a bittersweet reminder of the love that bound us together. A faint smile tugged at the corners of her lips, a silent reassurance in the face of impending separation.
"My... special boy..." she whispered, her voice barely more than a breath, yet filled with a depth of love that transcended words. "I... will... al...ways... lo...ve y-"
But her words trailed off into silence, the light fading from her once bright eyes as her spirit slipped quietly from this world. At that moment, as I cradled my newborn son in my arms, I felt the weight of her absence settle over me like a heavy shroud. My mother is now forever lost to me...
Moving away from her body, I understood what she wished for, a true valyrian death. I moved towards the cause of the rapid footsteps and knew who it was from their build,
The tension between father and son crackled in the air like the static before a storm as I confronted Daemon, my words dripping with bitterness and accusation.
"Father," I seethed, my voice heavy with venom, "I wonder... did you grant me that final moment with her out of respect, or was it merely your own disinterest in her that allowed it?"
Emerging from the shadows, Daemon regarded me with a cool detachment that only fueled my anger. His silence spoke volumes, a tacit acknowledgement of the rift that had grown between us.
"You are upset, I understand--" he began, attempting to placate me.
"Upset? UPSET?!" I erupted, the floodgates of my grief and frustration bursting forth. "My fucking mother just died! Your WIFE! At the age of 26! How could you have let this happen?!"
Daemon remained stoic, unmoved by my outburst. I continued to rail against him, pouring out my anguish and resentment until I was left gasping for breath.
"I tried... Everything," He whispered out, the weight of his failure resting silently on his shoulders. "Everything that the masters recommended, I did without question."
"You KNEW I was special," I accused, my voice trembling with betrayal. "Why did you not come to me?"
"Special, yes," Daemon conceded with a sigh. "But able to ensure a safe delivery? That was not something I expected to be within your abilities."
His words cut deep, slicing through the haze of my grief with a sharp clarity. I silenced him with a look, determination hardening my resolve.
"We will discuss this later," I declared, my voice firm. "After I have cremated my mother."
Daemon's gaze lingered on me, a silent acknowledgement of my authority at this moment. But his next words grated against me,
"And how will you do that without a dragon that breathes... fire?"
With a silent exchange, I passed my younger brother into his care, my jaw clenched with determination. Turning away, I strode toward Vhagar, my mother's final resting place.
"Dracarys, Vhagar," I commanded, but she remained stubbornly unmoved, defying my order. Frustration surged within me, but I refused to be stopped.
Raising my arms toward the open ocean, I summoned a thick tendril of water to wrap around Vhagar's throat. With a clenched fist, I repeated my command, forcing her head towards my mother's body.
"Vhagar. DRACARYS."
This time, she obeyed, her flames engulfing my mother's body in the ancient funeral rite of Valyria. As her body blazed, consuming my mother's earthly remains, I honoured her final request, granting her the dignity of a true Valyrian death.
"Keligon, Vhagar," I murmured, the flames extinguishing at my command. She seemed to listen now, subdued by the solemnity of the moment. I let Vhagar free of the water tendril before stepping back towards my father,
"IF. And I truly mean IF," I emphasized, locking eyes with Daemon, "I find out that you had anything to do with her death or that you tell anyone of my abilities... I swear on the memory of my dead mother that I will pierce your heart and lungs with that targaryen blood that you are oh so proud of."
My words hung heavy in the air, a solemn oath borne of grief and determination.
There was a moment of tense silence as my words reverberated between us, each syllable weighted with the weight of my resolve. Daemon's expression remained inscrutable, but I detected a flicker of unease beneath the mask of indifference.
With a final, piercing stare, I turned away, leaving him to contemplate the gravity of my vow. As I left the yard, I noted the small smile that replaced his expression.
Ascending the steps, exhaustion weighed heavily on my shoulders, mingling with the simmering emotions that churned within me. It was then that I realized the reason for Daemon's smile, the underlying pride that lay beneath his stoic facade.
Halting midway up the stairs, I turned back to face him, my gaze meeting his across the distance.
"You're proud, aren't you?" I questioned, my voice tinged with a mix of frustration and resignation.
Daemon met my gaze, his expression unreadable yet tinged with a hint of something akin to pride.
"Of course," he replied, his voice carrying a weight of its own. "After all, that part of you is finally out... The fire and fury of a dragon."
His words resonated within me, stirring a complex mixture of emotions. With a nod of acknowledgement, I turned away once more, leaving him to his thoughts on the desolate beach below.
Though my anger still simmered beneath the surface, tempered by the realization that some of my accusations had been fueled by raw emotion, I resolved to address them with a clearer mind in the days to come. For now, I needed time to process, to mourn, and to prepare for the challenges that lay ahead.
So yeah, hope you enjoyed that. I'm thinking of writing the entire thing but idk yet.
submitted by DarthRagon to TheCitadel [link] [comments]
Disregarding my dishevelled state and clad only in underwear, I dashed to the window, gauging the distance to the ground below. The lone palm trees swayed in the wind outside as if offering silent reassurance that the fall wouldn't be too dire.
"A body fit for the lord of the seas I was promised, let's see how that goes..." With resolve hardening my nerves, I leapt over the balcony, the rush of air accompanying my descent.
Fwoosh!
Time seemed to freeze once more as I hurtled toward the staircase leading to the beach. As I landed with a jarring impact, the scene before me unfolded in chaotic clarity. My mother lay collapsed on the sand, a trail of blood staining the shore—a broken figure in the moonlight.
"Keligon zȳhon (Stop Her), Tiamat!" I bellowed, even as flames erupted from Vhagar's jaws. With a primal roar, the sea responded, and the serpentine jaws of Tiamat, the 'dragon' that hatched with me, emerged from the waves. Her various knobs, spines and horns contrasted with her large, sinuous, white body. She surged forward from the depths, her red eyes focused and the hood around her neck flared as her powerful jaws snapped shut with a resounding crack. The clash of titanic forces reverberated through the water as Vhagar roared in defiance, its flames sputtering against the onslaught. Arcs of electricity crackled between each sharp fang, the resonance of the elements contrasting the deep of the night.
With gritted teeth, I ignored the pain from my fall and raced toward my mother's side. Vhagar's Dragonfire faltered, replaced by a pained cry as she struggled against Tiamat's grip. "Jikagon arlī (Go Back), Tiamat," I commanded, and the sea creature obediently released its hold, slipping back beneath the waves. In my mind, I could feel how concerned she was for me and my mother as well.
As Vhagar turned, disoriented and enraged, I approached cautiously, soothing words falling from my lips. "gīda, gīda, (calm, calm) Vhagar," I murmured, hoping to quell the storm raging within her.
Holding my mother in my arms, I noted that only half of her body was burnt, yet they seemed to only penetrate to the last layer of the skin. Her body was a charred remnant, I asked her to be quiet as I asked for the water's help in healing her.
In my mind, however, I felt Tiamat indicate that dragonfire was the exception. Gritting my teeth, I asked my mother,
"would... would you like me to at least save the baby painlessly?"
She nodded. I proceeded to ask the water within my mother to release the child, and it slowly began to push the baby out.
Amidst the cries of a newborn, echoing across the desolate beach, a figure descended the weathered stone stairs, casting a long, solemn shadow over the scene. The gentle lapping of the waves provided a haunting backdrop to the momentous occasion unfolding in the fading light of day.
"It's a boy, mother..." I murmured, my voice barely above a whisper, choked with emotion. "I'll call him Laenor... in your and... and ah, uncle's honour..."
Tears welled in my eyes as I swallowed the rising bile, threatening to spill over as I gazed down at the fragile bundle in my arms. His cries, though piercing, seemed to fade into the background as I focused on the woman who had given me life.
Summoning the last reserves of her strength, my mother nodded slightly as she extended a trembling hand to touch my tear-streaked face. Her touch was both searing and tender, a bittersweet reminder of the love that bound us together. A faint smile tugged at the corners of her lips, a silent reassurance in the face of impending separation.
"My... special boy..." she whispered, her voice barely more than a breath, yet filled with a depth of love that transcended words. "I... will... al...ways... lo...ve y-"
But her words trailed off into silence, the light fading from her once bright eyes as her spirit slipped quietly from this world. At that moment, as I cradled my newborn son in my arms, I felt the weight of her absence settle over me like a heavy shroud. My mother is now forever lost to me...
Moving away from her body, I understood what she wished for, a true valyrian death. I moved towards the cause of the rapid footsteps and knew who it was from their build,
The tension between father and son crackled in the air like the static before a storm as I confronted Daemon, my words dripping with bitterness and accusation.
"Father," I seethed, my voice heavy with venom, "I wonder... did you grant me that final moment with her out of respect, or was it merely your own disinterest in her that allowed it?"
Emerging from the shadows, Daemon regarded me with a cool detachment that only fueled my anger. His silence spoke volumes, a tacit acknowledgement of the rift that had grown between us.
"You are upset, I understand--" he began, attempting to placate me.
"Upset? UPSET?!" I erupted, the floodgates of my grief and frustration bursting forth. "My fucking mother just died! Your WIFE! At the age of 26! How could you have let this happen?!"
Daemon remained stoic, unmoved by my outburst. I continued to rail against him, pouring out my anguish and resentment until I was left gasping for breath.
"I tried... Everything," He whispered out, the weight of his failure resting silently on his shoulders. "Everything that the masters recommended, I did without question."
"You KNEW I was special," I accused, my voice trembling with betrayal. "Why did you not come to me?"
"Special, yes," Daemon conceded with a sigh. "But able to ensure a safe delivery? That was not something I expected to be within your abilities."
His words cut deep, slicing through the haze of my grief with a sharp clarity. I silenced him with a look, determination hardening my resolve.
"We will discuss this later," I declared, my voice firm. "After I have cremated my mother."
Daemon's gaze lingered on me, a silent acknowledgement of my authority at this moment. But his next words grated against me,
"And how will you do that without a dragon that breathes... fire?"
With a silent exchange, I passed my younger brother into his care, my jaw clenched with determination. Turning away, I strode toward Vhagar, my mother's final resting place.
"Dracarys, Vhagar," I commanded, but she remained stubbornly unmoved, defying my order. Frustration surged within me, but I refused to be stopped.
Raising my arms toward the open ocean, I summoned a thick tendril of water to wrap around Vhagar's throat. With a clenched fist, I repeated my command, forcing her head towards my mother's body.
"Vhagar. DRACARYS."
This time, she obeyed, her flames engulfing my mother's body in the ancient funeral rite of Valyria. As her body blazed, consuming my mother's earthly remains, I honoured her final request, granting her the dignity of a true Valyrian death.
"Keligon, Vhagar," I murmured, the flames extinguishing at my command. She seemed to listen now, subdued by the solemnity of the moment. I let Vhagar free of the water tendril before stepping back towards my father,
"IF. And I truly mean IF," I emphasized, locking eyes with Daemon, "I find out that you had anything to do with her death or that you tell anyone of my abilities... I swear on the memory of my dead mother that I will pierce your heart and lungs with that targaryen blood that you are oh so proud of."
My words hung heavy in the air, a solemn oath borne of grief and determination.
There was a moment of tense silence as my words reverberated between us, each syllable weighted with the weight of my resolve. Daemon's expression remained inscrutable, but I detected a flicker of unease beneath the mask of indifference.
With a final, piercing stare, I turned away, leaving him to contemplate the gravity of my vow. As I left the yard, I noted the small smile that replaced his expression.
Ascending the steps, exhaustion weighed heavily on my shoulders, mingling with the simmering emotions that churned within me. It was then that I realized the reason for Daemon's smile, the underlying pride that lay beneath his stoic facade.
Halting midway up the stairs, I turned back to face him, my gaze meeting his across the distance.
"You're proud, aren't you?" I questioned, my voice tinged with a mix of frustration and resignation.
Daemon met my gaze, his expression unreadable yet tinged with a hint of something akin to pride.
"Of course," he replied, his voice carrying a weight of its own. "After all, that part of you is finally out... The fire and fury of a dragon."
His words resonated within me, stirring a complex mixture of emotions. With a nod of acknowledgement, I turned away once more, leaving him to his thoughts on the desolate beach below.
Though my anger still simmered beneath the surface, tempered by the realization that some of my accusations had been fueled by raw emotion, I resolved to address them with a clearer mind in the days to come. For now, I needed time to process, to mourn, and to prepare for the challenges that lay ahead.
2024.05.15 22:39 Still_Ad_4928 Of Hearts and Women Part-II (Book-Sample)
Not shared, nor my shade; but something to be weaved; just as the measure of disappointment became it's own solution. But I talked my way through things forbidden, just to find myself blind in bed with those who are dead. Clumsy, but altogether natural of course, because it's consciousness what you refer in the description, yet that's what we don't get a lot about. See your deeds the way you are seen, and then return to a restless place: and the question in-between sheets will be why. Well, I just can't motivate myself to work without hot bitches staring. And that's the truth. Sad but True
— Hearfelt comment for an instagram witch.
Del desprecio a ese descarte, no he visto muchas cosas. Así se pasa una más para las cuentas, y aquí otro más para los versos, por qué aquí no hemos sido vistos. Cuánto más querría uno, que sino lo cuentas ni mucho menos piensas: << lo de este pibe que cosa más horrible>>, haciendo eso lamentable, por qué en decirlo nadie ha mentido. ¡Es horrible! Que cara es entonces la cuenta de lo que le sale a uno vivir sin más complejos; mejor seria cobrarmelo, para así saber que de algo ha valido. Bloqueame.
— Heartfelt comment for a random supermodel-to-be.
The Spirit of Fire
Flames begone, flames in spite: their warmth I felt - so I closed my fist until I could feel the warmth of my blood in my hand. And in dreams Fire came up to me and said: who am I? And I said unto him: you are bound to my bidding, thus your name misery will be. But fire wretched as he was, got closer and asked: and who are you?
And I said unto him that the blood of David ran through my veins, as I was his heir; for the mother of God claim me from death as a son. So Fire tried me, and figured it out.
You are son of woman —said Fire unto me— but as Fire acknowledged the name, I extended my left hand, and took Fire by the neck throwing him into the gound. — You are going to lace yourself to the right hand of the beast, and you'll keep him steady, so I can cleanly take him down. And Fire stayed down, and with his forehead kissing the ground asked unto me —why would the heir of David do so to earthly man?
And I said unto Fire that the beast from the abyss had left no mother for God, so I was to leave none of his body left for his head; as I was going to make it bleed until the end of the end of times.
The Spirit of Earth
Shapeless and without body, but keen within her many numbers, Earth came up to me in dreams, and said: who am I? And posessed in spirit as I was, I said unto her, that God had made her maiden again, and that she shall become the coins that Judas never received, which were to become the due payment of man and women for the body of Christ. Then I extended my right hand, and grabbed Earth by her hair —which descended deep into the abysses of hell— and cut it short so the demons of Lilith would no longer had her gripped by her back.
You are now a woman, and I'm going to rise you from the grounds. You'll lace yourself to the left hand of the beast, and keep it steady so with one shot I can cleanly take him down.
The Spirit of Air
A dream shaped by written words, whispered down for years by the currents of this Montain, and it's requiem witnessed but by a few — the end of dreams. But from where I standed at the peak, I called upon the distant currents that went down, and asked them: who am I?
And Air came unto me as bird, which had thousands of letters for feathers, and in the tongue of dead men answered.
"Somebody who only a few will remember by strange deeds; as the burden on your back, is a past tainted by impossible dreams. You were a lunatic giving new names to folk, and folk never bothered to remember —so your name must be freak, as you died in a forgotten shack some short time ago."
And as Air said these things upon me, I called Misery —as I had dubbed Fire — and told him to get inside my shot. The burden as Air had said, became lesser as i took the shot from my quiver. And I said upon Misery; that he was to set ablaze this arrow, as I was taking down the bird of Britain, and that I would do so, so God would give the deeds of Earth some better names.
The Lord is making a bridge between the empire of strength, and the last empire of men. Now by God's grace, I'm making the tongue of free men, the tongue of Spain. You will be eventually bound to my bidding, and if not me, it will be to the one I'm preceding; for I'm giving you twenty years to attone your wrongdoing. Alas, now because of your wretchedness, my shot on earthly men won't be clean, for his left leg won't stay steady.
Your old name was apathy, now I'm calling you Cisma, which in the tongue of dead men means schism. So now by the will of God lay unto the ground and say the words you've been teached. And as the arrow blazed forward, it's bending motion pierced the veil hiding the secret ladder of men. The bird of Britain catched on Fire, and it's hollering resounded throught the ladders of the mountain until the depths of the abyss. A column of air turned into fire, then violenty erupted from the vowels of the bird, and the wild fire spread as a storm from west to east all throughout the five kingdoms of men away from its own fiery wings, with a gift of misery and a few words to say.
"The name of your woman or the name of your man, will no longer explain their purpose to a man, a woman, or God. Charred words written by thunder will now be the new ladder of men — but until then, darkness upon thee."
The House of Water
I head into the coasts, and the beautiful beaches in-between, to find the stranger who burns images in the skin of men. He is the stranger, and has adopted the body of a monster, and he is one who cannot be understood, so he went on to only go out home in stunts, for the burdens in his heart have become too great to bear. Through terrible pains he has given all he once was for an identity, and as I pick up on his past, i found familiarity in the feelings of his heart. Oh dear friend how we found looking in sadness to ourselves, after doing same but with different means, carrying into our shoulders the loneliness of this world. As you have in-skin the garments of the strange doctrine that I preach — I shall congrate you, for you truly have fought the world entire, for my doctrine is the words of those who shall defeat the world entire.
I may not have your strangeness in-body, but I have it in these words, and in the true feelings of my heart. And I say in admiration that there's no higher form of art, philosophy or religion: than those who perform the highest thing they can give a name about.
Now even within solitude, and at odds with what old dead men call God, I see you and I found strength in you, as I can see you are within me, and in that, you are within everything as it should be - as is meant in everyone who does something that touches the heart of another man. I call this the kingdom of God. Yet blind men and women will wonder how can the kingdom of God possibly be within two outcasts such as you and me.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Upong giving my regards and waiting for response, I found my way into a bench. It was a warm afternoon, and the wind carried the water of the sea. The bird of Britain came about down from the wind of north, and layed on the bench were I was sitting.
The bird asked: why hast thou become this?
And I said back to bird, scorched he was and nearing death, that it was me someone who was supposed to give names, yet for years I couldn't figure out one for myself. Then on went to being given a name, Alas all the wrong ones. Did Adan gave himself a name? - I asked the bird back. And there was no response from bird. Then I continued.
A man has the essence of his soul retained by what he is seen doing. Yet I did things nobody saw, so my soul wasn't with God but with something just as ancient, and nonetheless unknown by men in its true nature — then Satan as the better known devil, came about and pushed me into a hole. It was my own doing. Yet the things I did, I thought were seen. But nonetheless what I did was without contemplation on a posible return. Just as somebody who prints an image on their own skin. It's permanent. This is the essence of a memory in the soul of the man who's seen by others. But in the familiarity of a man who picked every irreversible decision like the Alien, I find myself feeling sympathy, for the man is still not what he has been seen doing, he shall redeem himself by what he decides to turn himself into.
Is this a way of saying that you want to get yourself a tattoo? Get a new look? - the bird mockingly asked.
And I gave the scorched bird no answer.
Then the bird said unto me: what about your career as a prophet, uh? And the things you said about returning with substance? Do you actually think this is substance?
And i considered what the Bird said, then I negated with a movement of my own head. It is not i answered, but i find the memories of me not making sense unbearable. For those mean the memories of a fool, un pendejo, an insane person, or both. And I will always try to amend what I don't do well. But now I wish for only one thing, and it is to be remembered as someone who makes sense, and who out of that sense, made good upon the world. I don't expect anything in return for what I do now, as it is merely an outlet to keep me sane while I finish editing my work. It's clear I'm too incompetent to be a competent influencer. As for once, I don't care about influencing anyone into what I think; but to perform what I think it's important.
Then every proverbial student is free to take classes so as they see fit, and to interpret such classes as their comprehension gives them grasp of what it's said. In such regard, this is what I offer now, while I make the journey to Madrid. And the bird tilted it's head so as to observe me with his left eye, then after a long impasse, it made a loud and painful caw, and finally flew away. Soon after the bird flew, I looked upon the stars in the nascent night, and confessed to them, that it was the memories of who we were, what often stumps us into wrong beliefs of who we should be, maybe even wasting an entire lifetime retained by that which other people remembered us as being. But we are not the owners of our own names, the place we go, and our destiny. That's the biggest lie the western world of hollywood heros tell you, as in truth is collective agreement what determines what we look like doing and thus the meaning we should comfort to, recalling that names are practical mechanisms to remember the purpose of things, their meaning, and how their motion is described in the world.
But making the task of beating that collective belief, akin to the Nietzschean ideal of the camel turning into the lion, so as to transform it's spirit and become something else. But if it's the golden dragon of all the huamn values which judges you insane, will you be prepared to wrestle with the entire culture so as to have your way?
As I layed my eyes upon each star counting up to the number seventeen, I confessed of being scared of those beliefs, as revisiting the past, became a painful deed — and as I prepared to leave, I uttered one wish on the seventeenth point in the sky.
Lord please grant me strength, the way you have given my friend strenght.
2.
The night deepen, while the sea tide sang its own song of breathing. Some time passed, and then on the stranger showed himself approaching at the distance. I waved my hand at him, and after the instant, he found his way into my bench while I welcomed him with an extended fist which he casually bumped - after the short acknowledgement the dark alien looked at my face in between it's cover of dark, and looking at it undiscernable in its true features, with suspicion asked.
— What is it that you want?
I acknowledged him as a friend, then mentioned my brief research, as I had come to know him as man looking for a job, yet nobody would hire for things mundane due to his appearance. I listened closely to the news, and came to understand that this was a man looking for a second chance.Then I saw the intent behind his doing, and two words came to stick to my own thoughts. The first one was <> and the second one was <>. I was admired.
In analytical psychology I figured this man was the ESFP —the personality archetype related to the performer and the entertainer—, possessed in an abnormal way by the spirit by which a person submits to it's contrary nature, seeking to integrate and find fulfillment through the chase of what's perceived absent. If he was the ESFP then doing the flip by following the radial axis of each Jungian function in the stack towards their opposite resulted in the INTJ. The mastermind. The architect. The genius yet awfully complex individual. That was the elusive spirit he was chasing.
But a spirit and a character that at its most pronounced embodiment in a person, would experience life as an eternal foreigner hiding from the light of other men. Such made sense to me, for I myself was the INTJ, and had at spirit the ESFP. Him. So where as this man chased the spiritual fulfillment of being a complex and deep individual, I chased the fulfillment of becoming simpler, so I could demonstrate with action the deepest desires of my heart. One who was born plentiful in means to be liked, becomes complex, mysterious and uncomprehended, meeting one who will be seen trying to make sense becoming simpler. For Carl Jung portrayed the anima and animus of individuals, as the sense of what its absent, yet deeply cherished an valued. So I said these things to the alien, while he silently listened to me.
— All of that sounds like bullshit to me. -Said the alien after some contemplation .— Sorry but the things you say, don't mean anything to me.
And alas for I expected such response, as if one thing was true about this journey, was that explaining the journey in and of itself would become it's grimmest task. I affirmated what he just said with a slight nod of head.
— These things I say and how they relate to each other, in its excercise are similar to doing stecheometric balance with equations in the head, but simpler I'm afraid. - Then I paused, looked back into the sea, and continued. — That's high school chemistry, but I don't expect everybody to pick up on it, nor like it, nor understand it.
— Now i have called you a friend, and where I came from we dub with this title the people we share destiny with. As far as I'm concerned, we are chasing the same thing, which is the hardest posible thing. We both innately understand that we are not home, as we want our spirit to return to us, and that's not what a lot of people ever honestly try to attempt in a lifetime; as such is anyone's call to feel complete.
— And very few people ever reach true individuality, beyond the name they are imposed at birth.
Then I looked into the black alien, and in-between his foreign facial features, I interpreted something familiar. Disturbance. And I continued.
— We have given ourselves hell as we lived chasing something hard, so we can avoid the same hell later on when we are finally back to our own house. This is a christian precept, altought a rundimentary one. Does that makes sense to you?
And after listening such, the black alien calmly looked at the veil in my face in silence. Trying to discern what my face actually looked like, but the night was dark. Then turned his stare back to the reflection of the moon over the waters, giving some thought to what I just said. I opened up my backpack, and drawed two cans of beer from it. Offered one to him, and he silently refused with a gesture of hand. I popped my can and gave it a sip, while I myself stared at the tides coming in and out of the shore.
— If you wan't a tattoo, we can work that out. But this sounds annoyingly familiar, and my interest is not religious. Are you religious?
I nodded in affirmation, and complemented saying. — But my doctrine is something nobody has heard nor seen. For its aim, is doing as Christ said, in perfect means. Yet its true that the teaching fits you, as it's the teaching of the future man; and there's nothing in common between the current man and the future man, as they may very well be different species. This is the precept of evolution.
The alien seemed surprised.
— These two men don't know each other, for the current man doesn't know where the future man comes from, for he himself doesn't know where he is going. Yet in deep realization of your own artistic concept, I think you might want new ideas to meet with your appearance. So tell me, are you curious about what truly happens to a man after he dies? Do you want to learn how to read someone's mind? Do you want to blast with words of fire the hearts of an amazed crowd?
But the black alien broke his calm contemplation of what I was saying, and slighty disturbed, aggressively rebuked after hearing such.
— But you mentioned 'Christ', so you must be christian. How can a christian even say anything interesting in this current time? Last time I asked, their sayings were dreaded by restriction - so why would anyone condemn themselves to a life of bore? Are you a christian?
And I nodded after the question, in silence. Admittedly, for I knew what the problem was with being what I was, and my new companion was bang on identifying it. Made a pause, then raised my sight to where it met with the sky and the stars in it, and I said back to him.
— I am, but not one of a type you have ever seen, for the Christ that comes, is a Christ of art.
2.
The riptide sang, in its secret dialect of earth and sea. I looked upon the coast, turned an eye blind, and saw the ocean as the scorpio, and the land as the taurus; as it was the struggle between two lovers, never meant to consume each other. Ideal love then - yet not to confuse with this partnership as it was whimsilcally tied by the means in which i arranged my current conversation; for my lady somewhere waited for me. Then i allowed my eyes to rest still.
The alien looked upon me, undiscernable in my intentions, and again figured for himself that my interest towards him wasn’t clear. In suspicion, and after the moment he collected his thoughts asked “In your weird words you dubbed me performer, so what is it exactly that you wan’t from me. To me it seems like you are gathering people for some form of religious clown show. When you forced this meeting upon me, was this a proposal you thought i would find amusement in?”. And after the statement my own stare wandered in my conversation partner. While as he had his say, i returned to my can of beer, and finished it with a long gulp. Tempered in an unwillingness to fall to my new found friend irritation, i said within my own thoughts: “The alien looks easy going, but he is barbed in wit”.
Then i opened the can of beer that the stranger rejected; the loud pop resounded in the relative silence, interrupting for a moment the steady chorus of the sea. Gave it a long sip, and said.
– Theres no proposal in place yet. But im certain of something, and that is that both of us are messed individuals which reached the bottom doing the same thing - but the way my understandment of the human soul goes: two people can act by mere interaction as reactives to each other, creating a new chemical compound after the fact.
– This new psychology is very much like chemistry. But it is not my intention to draw you into something, but to pull myself out of this «something» by doing right on another person and maybe that person reflecting the good back on me. I just need a conversation partner, thats all. And i will do this with you, and with many people more. Presidents included.
The alien reflected on it, and after the hiatus of a long standing position of suspicion he finally gave in, and eased up with a slight smile. A strange smile of relief. But the smile, was all too familiar for me, as i realized the man was a tortured individual: a person in long standing pain. I smiled back the way he did, and continued.
– Our pain has a common name, and is a name that can be written with words unfortunately. It’s the devilish mother of all spiritual ills and its foundation, rests at the concept of a past that wasnt solved. It’s called «inadequeacy», and for people like you and me, understanding one day that such inadecuacy had to be solved by our own means, lead us into an act where our name changed as the changes in our cover up act to solve our inadequacy did.
– We never honored the past or the present in our pursuit, as we desired in passion to find solution to the present, by matching it into the idealization of some future without ever realizing that the old or present essence of ones being would be crushed into non existance by said future.
– Then we found the realization of that new name, only to understand that its demands became a tyranny on the other faces of our soul: as our soul is not something that can be undestood in unity, but something that conceives in the beginning in multiple things which try to give shape to one thing. Theres many people in a village, and our minds, are no exception.
— But happiness is only achieved by those who have their soul entire - or those who are the same person regardless of the context and scenario. And we gave to much to somebody that wasn't us, as our spirit took possession and lead us down.
– This is this the essence by which someone goes to hell, only to do one thing over again, getting an ever lasting pain for all the things that were given up chasing that which was absent. The more someone is forced into being shaped by the thing that was concevied in lust, the more the individual misses the place they used to call home, for that is no longer within ones reach. Does this makes sense to you?
The alien left me with no answer, and as he contemplated the sea, a tear travelled through his strange face.
– In this state of anguish, affliction rarely ever feels company, as the very individual condition that was pursued, became a full suit and persona to be forced upon and wear. Hell, is one lonely place man because we only learn to speak a language, that only makes sense to ourselves. But i think we can find a way out of it. This is why I'm here.
“Look, what you’ve done, it’s not something i can see the way you can see my own doing on me.” The alien replied. “Besides the way in which i canno’t see your face in this night, you seem ordinary — but what you talk and the way you say it, evokes in every word regret. What is it that you’ve done that has you regret like this?”
As the alien finished speaking, I emptied the can of beer, layed my eyes on the irregular grooves that my feet had left on the sand, and then replied back to him, after making a recap of the story i had repeatedly told myself after falling down.
“My story, is the fairy tale of a guy who makes way for the new coming of a new man; a better man for the world, while he casts disarray upon the earth: much to his dismay, at the expense of his own soul as the people who become victims of disasters, were ones who this man deemed unfair; cruel, evil, despicable in past. That was at the beginning."
"Theres a pile of corpses behind that character — even in covid time, people as close as the local priest of the small town he lived in, would break their neck after falling in the shower, as he had the slightest suspicion of their secret deeds. All clean deads for that matter. Untraceable to nothing but sheer randomness. Magic as it seeems. But were this folk truly evil people or even guilty of anything? You may ask - the man never knew it for sure, as he never had faculties such as godly omniscience to actually know it; which has taken a toll on him, as the burden of justice is an unberable one for anything but a god."
"Which leads to another point: spontaneously picturing random numbers in the head, associating them with psychological compounds by angular momentum, and actually being bang on the suspicion. Truth friend, in its stochastic presentation: it's unberable.”
“Consequential of such attempts to rationalize his own story in the eyes of people such as close family, my dude became clinically diagnosed with referenced thinking. Which are fancy words for schizophrenia. Nobody believed the story as it was uttered."
"Yet the consequences are there for everyone to see, altought not visible in their cause and effect by anybody but this guy, which lead him first into regret over ever starting his quest as a reformer; and then repent.”
“Now before he realized of this lets call it «curse», he preached for years over the internet as the disasters started to slowly creep up. He preached in a fashion parallel to Niestzches Zarathustra; Zarathustra meaning a famous philosophical device artificied by the philosopher Niestzche, who’s aim was to portray the best posible man, as something he dubbed the <<Übermensch>> ”.
“Such concept being the seemingly more elegant brand of a humanist ideal for a not so distant future: today - albeit a wrong one, for this guy was not dyonisian himself. The backbone of his framework, is analytical psycholgy becoming a chariot for a true understandment of human nature: and ultimately a facilitator for love within light: not within ignorance; not within darkness. Most philosophers today though would mock anything analytical in it's aim."
"Then on the guy preached and dwelved further into the relative hole of his own doctrine: and became imprisoned by what he didn’t got right at first attempt, making him in the process the character that Nietzsche from the comfort of his own writers seat, never attempted to actually embody within realistic means: eventually figuring out within himself the ultimate Nietzschean aristocrat: a magic pen granted by being capetian by mother: from judah by father."
"But Alas, you have no idea how common suicide is within philosophers after they finish their best work. As language, becomes the ultimate barrier for understandment, and then to ones capacity to feel love. Difference — true saliency in ones individual destiny— leads to the gravest posible pain. Ironic isn’t it?”
“Besides technical work with a new form of psychology inspired by analytical chemistry, as that drawed from his efforts during the light of day, five years ago, once he felt the urge to try to reach out to the world from a position of what he deemed was greater understandment: he primitively preached during night his new set of ideas for people to behave beyond the limitations of manipulative psychology, albeit a harsh doctrine meant to clear the way for a better product: Christ himself."
"This is not a doctrine a human being can actually perform, as such its christianity at its highest capacity to bear fruit. It’s an impossible doctrine, yet solves the oldest problem posed in the bible. All which sounds very sci-fi bullshit-y but actual problems started for the protagonist in this tale, when the preaching matched with terrible consequences. Not figurative, but within tangible reality.”
“So just as we talk, theres a small legion of hackers pretending to be doing internet social experiments while talking in an artsy matter: much in my own style, entertaining the exact same concepts - a legion of dangerous monkeys, i have no control over."
"One of the many unexpected consequences being this, yet prompted by something evil; ancient: essentially replicating what my protagonist developed and then preached over the years, while these "hacktivists" lay their attention on things and people, as they select them and enforce upon them strict surveillance, to behave properly. Then to destroy them, as they did in 2020 with many corporations and institutions.A bizarre combination of theater actors to my own liking, and then cyber-security demigods: omniscient in their claims to surveill, and they are - derivative such of another device of what I've done; which is to build a theater so people can make-believe that they are infact performing within themselves something greater - but that's matter for another story."
“Most of the corpses piling up flat out dead, have no relation to him whatsoever; they became victims as my protagonist took measures to fight back the monster he found at the foundation of the known world. This is not an elaborate analogy for one's own unseen capacity for evil, as i mean this: a monster as literally as it can be. For these things friend, im doomed as in true strenght, i have nothing but the pen i use to write down what i think albeit always at danger of it’s eventual inversion. I have no real friends left. Not one who can understand, or help bear the pain: as friendship and love are all gated by understandment."
"The full story has many more vertients, but i think i’ve done it enough justice. This is the predicament of an insane man chased by his own shadow as he builds a better man: one who delivers heavenly things, and then a shadow stringed to deliver tyranny as the very strings behind him make the better man stumble while he tries to keep a grasp of his own spirit, and then of his own soul."
"That monster behind, is wicked smart — and cannot be outwitted nor overpowered but anything but divine smite."
“I’m heading now to a new country, to try to get friends from the only institution in the world who knows and adresses the current times being, and who by extension, might believe me. And to clarify, these being the end of times; but not the end of the world. Yet now i myself have a damocles sword pending over my own head, and i need to do something about it before it falls.”
And as i said these things, i reached out to my backpack drawing a third can of beer from it — besides my own super laptop, thats what my backpack had: an infinite supply of beer. Corona, Indio, Victoria, Dos Equis, Heineken; you name it. I popped the can, and gave it a long and definite sip as i emptied it complete.
The alien didn't try to show that he understood, but stood still in silence, with his sight in the sand below and pressing lips, knowing by my demeanor; that these things as I've said them was something that I needed to do. Then he said: "I don't follow man. You say you preach and then disasters occur. Like a prophet from the bible?"
"Yes. Then I preached to get rid of the things that are actually making the world worse, and something awoke soon after, and since then; everything I do is subject to being misinterpreted due to the diffamatory action of this thing. Now everytime I do something, it can be twisted and turned against my original intent. Right now the hackers are my worst problem: I may have a degree in computers but I have no fucking idea whatsoever of hacking. I earn my living as an A.I engineer.".
The alien raised his sight to meet with mine, and after doing some contemplation on the fact, quite simply said: "You are insane". Then lowered his own sight, and raised it again to meet with the sea and continued. "If you want a tattoo, we can work that out. But either way and whatever parts of your story are true and even worse; the ones you may be lying about: you sound dangerous in a delusional kind of sense, and my life is hard enough as is."
I pressed my fists, knowing then the old same thing had happened again. For I had never forced anything upon anybody, and I was willing to respect that until the bitter end. Then I released the build up of frustration with a loud sigh, and after this amend, I replied back.
"I understand and respect it. But let me just propose you that if you ever want to figure what is beyond life as it's lived by person who has never seen what is like to be someone you write a great story about; you can pin me, and I'll show you what's beyond that door. Give it some thought."
The alien; The Black Alien Project stayed there sitting, spechless but calm, almost expecting something else to be convinced about. But pointless, for i knew that nobody can be forced into anything without bringing a transgression into play – and i wasn’t one to taint myself in sin if it could be avoided. Not anymore.
3.
I made the distance at steady pace walking along the shore, until i found a small group of pines in-between the liminal space of the beach and the land. I sat with one of the pines trunk behind my back, and drawed the Schizo Pills from my eternal supply of traveller goodies.
Quetiapine 100 mg, and Olanzapine 10 mg, i made a smaller fragment from the olanzapine pill, and swallowed both complete. As their side effects were concerned, they would soon knock me out of conscience, as this little ritual was my own way of calling the day complete – then i layed there, vigilant, waiting for my own drowsiness to claim me into sleep - but the Bird of Britan came flying from above, and stood besides me.
\Chirp, Chirp, Chirp**
I watched the bird, annoyed, as its presence had become an omen for contempt. For me and the death people of my past. I frowned upon the little shit, and said nothing. The bird made a little nod, while tilting its head in excentricity the way birds do, and replied. — Hey Andrew!, do you remember when you tried to penetrate your own computer to make a universe grow inside of it? I just wan’t to know something: did your computer moan? Did it finally learnt how to scream your name?
\Chirp Chirp**
Ignoring the bird, i closed my eyes and stayed like that for a long moment, hoping to make the bird think i was asleep. Maybe that would make him leave.
— Can’t bullshit me like that Sweetheart. So please tell me something; why don’t you command one of your supermodels; these muses, to come here and warm the bed for you. It's a cold night and you seem lonely brah
. \Chirp Chirp**
I opened my eyes, and irritated, pointed menacingly at the bird turning my left hand into an imaginary gun. I had already failed at something today, and wasn’t convinced i needed the memory of the things i failed at before. Not now.
Said nothing.
"No longer care for love unless it's between good friends”. Said to myself. There was certainly a migraine coming, but maybe my dreams would help convince it otherwise. And as far as the hoes were concerned, Furious Angels would be there for them. Like the Rob Dougan song.
4.
Found my own mind after the slumber – asleep, then awake. I realized several hours passed - at least enough to wake up and witness the sun rise above the sea. But as for dreams, the light veil of their memories wasn't something to rely upon. But i did remember something, and it was some overtone in dread; an atmosphere of fear – and a kind of dread sustained in it’s inevitability by the urgency that builds upon dearth.
Now what exactly was it though? I couldn’t remember from my dreams, but ever since i falled to my own death i had always present in mind the future succesion of events that would follow when things started to go very wrong. Iran, the U.S, Israel - now whatever was it in the news; the outcome would be the same. A thousand more cuts to an already languishing economy. Make that corpse bleed, and then fall off a cliff.
As such things would be cooked, just as the bird of britain. The bird was still there though: just in pieces and roasted like the contents of a dropped KFC bucket would. But the little shit would return - as it always did. The economy? Not so much.
Yet i digress. None of the world circumstances mattered as far i was concerned – i had built a small and portable solar system to power my laptop, and my beer supply was well, infinite - i made myself sure that i had my needs covered whatever happened around me. Not tied to even a house for that matter. I incorporated myself and gave my back a stretch. The morning breeze coming from the sea evocated in my memories some time that had long passed – late childhood. I rejected those memories as they beared with them things i didnt wan’t to remember - then wen’t on as usual in my morning routine scrolling through my instagram feed, figuring if there were any new hoes to maybe motivate me into doing my God imposed labour.
Labour which was to either write, or to finish the House of Water — then after scrolling i did in fact saw a new hoe; i dropped a Faux Pas comment. Maybe she would play along, maybe not. Whatever. Sometimes I would put in a lot of effort to do a rhyme. But the effort depended on the insta-hoe in question. I know. Not the best of habits, but back in elementary school i was the kind of kid that would only get motivation when the girls in the classroom were present in physEd. And then i would run faster: whole lotta faster. Run Forrest! Run! Women love used to fuel me; and the habit sticked — and at the moment, i was kinda done with the idea of female trascendence. Would rely on their love, but not on their validation. Not like a simp. Fuck that.
Furthermore, what results did i demonstrably mustered after pursuing true egalitarianism and sharing it? Exactly. A bitch gonna do what a bitch gonna do, and so does the human female. After publishing the comment, I locked my phone and walked towards the highway, as i was planning to pay a visit to somebody long forgotten - I had kind of a schedule that i was going to follow, before taking the plane to Madrid and become hispanic Jon Snow from the walgreens Nightwatch.
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— Hearfelt comment for an instagram witch.
Del desprecio a ese descarte, no he visto muchas cosas. Así se pasa una más para las cuentas, y aquí otro más para los versos, por qué aquí no hemos sido vistos. Cuánto más querría uno, que sino lo cuentas ni mucho menos piensas: << lo de este pibe que cosa más horrible>>, haciendo eso lamentable, por qué en decirlo nadie ha mentido. ¡Es horrible! Que cara es entonces la cuenta de lo que le sale a uno vivir sin más complejos; mejor seria cobrarmelo, para así saber que de algo ha valido. Bloqueame.
— Heartfelt comment for a random supermodel-to-be.
The Spirit of Fire
Flames begone, flames in spite: their warmth I felt - so I closed my fist until I could feel the warmth of my blood in my hand. And in dreams Fire came up to me and said: who am I? And I said unto him: you are bound to my bidding, thus your name misery will be. But fire wretched as he was, got closer and asked: and who are you?
And I said unto him that the blood of David ran through my veins, as I was his heir; for the mother of God claim me from death as a son. So Fire tried me, and figured it out.
You are son of woman —said Fire unto me— but as Fire acknowledged the name, I extended my left hand, and took Fire by the neck throwing him into the gound. — You are going to lace yourself to the right hand of the beast, and you'll keep him steady, so I can cleanly take him down. And Fire stayed down, and with his forehead kissing the ground asked unto me —why would the heir of David do so to earthly man?
And I said unto Fire that the beast from the abyss had left no mother for God, so I was to leave none of his body left for his head; as I was going to make it bleed until the end of the end of times.
The Spirit of Earth
Shapeless and without body, but keen within her many numbers, Earth came up to me in dreams, and said: who am I? And posessed in spirit as I was, I said unto her, that God had made her maiden again, and that she shall become the coins that Judas never received, which were to become the due payment of man and women for the body of Christ. Then I extended my right hand, and grabbed Earth by her hair —which descended deep into the abysses of hell— and cut it short so the demons of Lilith would no longer had her gripped by her back.
You are now a woman, and I'm going to rise you from the grounds. You'll lace yourself to the left hand of the beast, and keep it steady so with one shot I can cleanly take him down.
The Spirit of Air
A dream shaped by written words, whispered down for years by the currents of this Montain, and it's requiem witnessed but by a few — the end of dreams. But from where I standed at the peak, I called upon the distant currents that went down, and asked them: who am I?
And Air came unto me as bird, which had thousands of letters for feathers, and in the tongue of dead men answered.
"Somebody who only a few will remember by strange deeds; as the burden on your back, is a past tainted by impossible dreams. You were a lunatic giving new names to folk, and folk never bothered to remember —so your name must be freak, as you died in a forgotten shack some short time ago."
And as Air said these things upon me, I called Misery —as I had dubbed Fire — and told him to get inside my shot. The burden as Air had said, became lesser as i took the shot from my quiver. And I said upon Misery; that he was to set ablaze this arrow, as I was taking down the bird of Britain, and that I would do so, so God would give the deeds of Earth some better names.
The Lord is making a bridge between the empire of strength, and the last empire of men. Now by God's grace, I'm making the tongue of free men, the tongue of Spain. You will be eventually bound to my bidding, and if not me, it will be to the one I'm preceding; for I'm giving you twenty years to attone your wrongdoing. Alas, now because of your wretchedness, my shot on earthly men won't be clean, for his left leg won't stay steady.
Your old name was apathy, now I'm calling you Cisma, which in the tongue of dead men means schism. So now by the will of God lay unto the ground and say the words you've been teached. And as the arrow blazed forward, it's bending motion pierced the veil hiding the secret ladder of men. The bird of Britain catched on Fire, and it's hollering resounded throught the ladders of the mountain until the depths of the abyss. A column of air turned into fire, then violenty erupted from the vowels of the bird, and the wild fire spread as a storm from west to east all throughout the five kingdoms of men away from its own fiery wings, with a gift of misery and a few words to say.
"The name of your woman or the name of your man, will no longer explain their purpose to a man, a woman, or God. Charred words written by thunder will now be the new ladder of men — but until then, darkness upon thee."
The House of Water
I head into the coasts, and the beautiful beaches in-between, to find the stranger who burns images in the skin of men. He is the stranger, and has adopted the body of a monster, and he is one who cannot be understood, so he went on to only go out home in stunts, for the burdens in his heart have become too great to bear. Through terrible pains he has given all he once was for an identity, and as I pick up on his past, i found familiarity in the feelings of his heart. Oh dear friend how we found looking in sadness to ourselves, after doing same but with different means, carrying into our shoulders the loneliness of this world. As you have in-skin the garments of the strange doctrine that I preach — I shall congrate you, for you truly have fought the world entire, for my doctrine is the words of those who shall defeat the world entire.
I may not have your strangeness in-body, but I have it in these words, and in the true feelings of my heart. And I say in admiration that there's no higher form of art, philosophy or religion: than those who perform the highest thing they can give a name about.
Now even within solitude, and at odds with what old dead men call God, I see you and I found strength in you, as I can see you are within me, and in that, you are within everything as it should be - as is meant in everyone who does something that touches the heart of another man. I call this the kingdom of God. Yet blind men and women will wonder how can the kingdom of God possibly be within two outcasts such as you and me.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Upong giving my regards and waiting for response, I found my way into a bench. It was a warm afternoon, and the wind carried the water of the sea. The bird of Britain came about down from the wind of north, and layed on the bench were I was sitting.
The bird asked: why hast thou become this?
And I said back to bird, scorched he was and nearing death, that it was me someone who was supposed to give names, yet for years I couldn't figure out one for myself. Then on went to being given a name, Alas all the wrong ones. Did Adan gave himself a name? - I asked the bird back. And there was no response from bird. Then I continued.
A man has the essence of his soul retained by what he is seen doing. Yet I did things nobody saw, so my soul wasn't with God but with something just as ancient, and nonetheless unknown by men in its true nature — then Satan as the better known devil, came about and pushed me into a hole. It was my own doing. Yet the things I did, I thought were seen. But nonetheless what I did was without contemplation on a posible return. Just as somebody who prints an image on their own skin. It's permanent. This is the essence of a memory in the soul of the man who's seen by others. But in the familiarity of a man who picked every irreversible decision like the Alien, I find myself feeling sympathy, for the man is still not what he has been seen doing, he shall redeem himself by what he decides to turn himself into.
Is this a way of saying that you want to get yourself a tattoo? Get a new look? - the bird mockingly asked.
And I gave the scorched bird no answer.
Then the bird said unto me: what about your career as a prophet, uh? And the things you said about returning with substance? Do you actually think this is substance?
And i considered what the Bird said, then I negated with a movement of my own head. It is not i answered, but i find the memories of me not making sense unbearable. For those mean the memories of a fool, un pendejo, an insane person, or both. And I will always try to amend what I don't do well. But now I wish for only one thing, and it is to be remembered as someone who makes sense, and who out of that sense, made good upon the world. I don't expect anything in return for what I do now, as it is merely an outlet to keep me sane while I finish editing my work. It's clear I'm too incompetent to be a competent influencer. As for once, I don't care about influencing anyone into what I think; but to perform what I think it's important.
Then every proverbial student is free to take classes so as they see fit, and to interpret such classes as their comprehension gives them grasp of what it's said. In such regard, this is what I offer now, while I make the journey to Madrid. And the bird tilted it's head so as to observe me with his left eye, then after a long impasse, it made a loud and painful caw, and finally flew away. Soon after the bird flew, I looked upon the stars in the nascent night, and confessed to them, that it was the memories of who we were, what often stumps us into wrong beliefs of who we should be, maybe even wasting an entire lifetime retained by that which other people remembered us as being. But we are not the owners of our own names, the place we go, and our destiny. That's the biggest lie the western world of hollywood heros tell you, as in truth is collective agreement what determines what we look like doing and thus the meaning we should comfort to, recalling that names are practical mechanisms to remember the purpose of things, their meaning, and how their motion is described in the world.
But making the task of beating that collective belief, akin to the Nietzschean ideal of the camel turning into the lion, so as to transform it's spirit and become something else. But if it's the golden dragon of all the huamn values which judges you insane, will you be prepared to wrestle with the entire culture so as to have your way?
As I layed my eyes upon each star counting up to the number seventeen, I confessed of being scared of those beliefs, as revisiting the past, became a painful deed — and as I prepared to leave, I uttered one wish on the seventeenth point in the sky.
Lord please grant me strength, the way you have given my friend strenght.
2.
The night deepen, while the sea tide sang its own song of breathing. Some time passed, and then on the stranger showed himself approaching at the distance. I waved my hand at him, and after the instant, he found his way into my bench while I welcomed him with an extended fist which he casually bumped - after the short acknowledgement the dark alien looked at my face in between it's cover of dark, and looking at it undiscernable in its true features, with suspicion asked.
— What is it that you want?
I acknowledged him as a friend, then mentioned my brief research, as I had come to know him as man looking for a job, yet nobody would hire for things mundane due to his appearance. I listened closely to the news, and came to understand that this was a man looking for a second chance.Then I saw the intent behind his doing, and two words came to stick to my own thoughts. The first one was <
In analytical psychology I figured this man was the ESFP —the personality archetype related to the performer and the entertainer—, possessed in an abnormal way by the spirit by which a person submits to it's contrary nature, seeking to integrate and find fulfillment through the chase of what's perceived absent. If he was the ESFP then doing the flip by following the radial axis of each Jungian function in the stack towards their opposite resulted in the INTJ. The mastermind. The architect. The genius yet awfully complex individual. That was the elusive spirit he was chasing.
But a spirit and a character that at its most pronounced embodiment in a person, would experience life as an eternal foreigner hiding from the light of other men. Such made sense to me, for I myself was the INTJ, and had at spirit the ESFP. Him. So where as this man chased the spiritual fulfillment of being a complex and deep individual, I chased the fulfillment of becoming simpler, so I could demonstrate with action the deepest desires of my heart. One who was born plentiful in means to be liked, becomes complex, mysterious and uncomprehended, meeting one who will be seen trying to make sense becoming simpler. For Carl Jung portrayed the anima and animus of individuals, as the sense of what its absent, yet deeply cherished an valued. So I said these things to the alien, while he silently listened to me.
— All of that sounds like bullshit to me. -Said the alien after some contemplation .— Sorry but the things you say, don't mean anything to me.
And alas for I expected such response, as if one thing was true about this journey, was that explaining the journey in and of itself would become it's grimmest task. I affirmated what he just said with a slight nod of head.
— These things I say and how they relate to each other, in its excercise are similar to doing stecheometric balance with equations in the head, but simpler I'm afraid. - Then I paused, looked back into the sea, and continued. — That's high school chemistry, but I don't expect everybody to pick up on it, nor like it, nor understand it.
— Now i have called you a friend, and where I came from we dub with this title the people we share destiny with. As far as I'm concerned, we are chasing the same thing, which is the hardest posible thing. We both innately understand that we are not home, as we want our spirit to return to us, and that's not what a lot of people ever honestly try to attempt in a lifetime; as such is anyone's call to feel complete.
— And very few people ever reach true individuality, beyond the name they are imposed at birth.
Then I looked into the black alien, and in-between his foreign facial features, I interpreted something familiar. Disturbance. And I continued.
— We have given ourselves hell as we lived chasing something hard, so we can avoid the same hell later on when we are finally back to our own house. This is a christian precept, altought a rundimentary one. Does that makes sense to you?
And after listening such, the black alien calmly looked at the veil in my face in silence. Trying to discern what my face actually looked like, but the night was dark. Then turned his stare back to the reflection of the moon over the waters, giving some thought to what I just said. I opened up my backpack, and drawed two cans of beer from it. Offered one to him, and he silently refused with a gesture of hand. I popped my can and gave it a sip, while I myself stared at the tides coming in and out of the shore.
— If you wan't a tattoo, we can work that out. But this sounds annoyingly familiar, and my interest is not religious. Are you religious?
I nodded in affirmation, and complemented saying. — But my doctrine is something nobody has heard nor seen. For its aim, is doing as Christ said, in perfect means. Yet its true that the teaching fits you, as it's the teaching of the future man; and there's nothing in common between the current man and the future man, as they may very well be different species. This is the precept of evolution.
The alien seemed surprised.
— These two men don't know each other, for the current man doesn't know where the future man comes from, for he himself doesn't know where he is going. Yet in deep realization of your own artistic concept, I think you might want new ideas to meet with your appearance. So tell me, are you curious about what truly happens to a man after he dies? Do you want to learn how to read someone's mind? Do you want to blast with words of fire the hearts of an amazed crowd?
But the black alien broke his calm contemplation of what I was saying, and slighty disturbed, aggressively rebuked after hearing such.
— But you mentioned 'Christ', so you must be christian. How can a christian even say anything interesting in this current time? Last time I asked, their sayings were dreaded by restriction - so why would anyone condemn themselves to a life of bore? Are you a christian?
And I nodded after the question, in silence. Admittedly, for I knew what the problem was with being what I was, and my new companion was bang on identifying it. Made a pause, then raised my sight to where it met with the sky and the stars in it, and I said back to him.
— I am, but not one of a type you have ever seen, for the Christ that comes, is a Christ of art.
2.
The riptide sang, in its secret dialect of earth and sea. I looked upon the coast, turned an eye blind, and saw the ocean as the scorpio, and the land as the taurus; as it was the struggle between two lovers, never meant to consume each other. Ideal love then - yet not to confuse with this partnership as it was whimsilcally tied by the means in which i arranged my current conversation; for my lady somewhere waited for me. Then i allowed my eyes to rest still.
The alien looked upon me, undiscernable in my intentions, and again figured for himself that my interest towards him wasn’t clear. In suspicion, and after the moment he collected his thoughts asked “In your weird words you dubbed me performer, so what is it exactly that you wan’t from me. To me it seems like you are gathering people for some form of religious clown show. When you forced this meeting upon me, was this a proposal you thought i would find amusement in?”. And after the statement my own stare wandered in my conversation partner. While as he had his say, i returned to my can of beer, and finished it with a long gulp. Tempered in an unwillingness to fall to my new found friend irritation, i said within my own thoughts: “The alien looks easy going, but he is barbed in wit”.
Then i opened the can of beer that the stranger rejected; the loud pop resounded in the relative silence, interrupting for a moment the steady chorus of the sea. Gave it a long sip, and said.
– Theres no proposal in place yet. But im certain of something, and that is that both of us are messed individuals which reached the bottom doing the same thing - but the way my understandment of the human soul goes: two people can act by mere interaction as reactives to each other, creating a new chemical compound after the fact.
– This new psychology is very much like chemistry. But it is not my intention to draw you into something, but to pull myself out of this «something» by doing right on another person and maybe that person reflecting the good back on me. I just need a conversation partner, thats all. And i will do this with you, and with many people more. Presidents included.
The alien reflected on it, and after the hiatus of a long standing position of suspicion he finally gave in, and eased up with a slight smile. A strange smile of relief. But the smile, was all too familiar for me, as i realized the man was a tortured individual: a person in long standing pain. I smiled back the way he did, and continued.
– Our pain has a common name, and is a name that can be written with words unfortunately. It’s the devilish mother of all spiritual ills and its foundation, rests at the concept of a past that wasnt solved. It’s called «inadequeacy», and for people like you and me, understanding one day that such inadecuacy had to be solved by our own means, lead us into an act where our name changed as the changes in our cover up act to solve our inadequacy did.
– We never honored the past or the present in our pursuit, as we desired in passion to find solution to the present, by matching it into the idealization of some future without ever realizing that the old or present essence of ones being would be crushed into non existance by said future.
– Then we found the realization of that new name, only to understand that its demands became a tyranny on the other faces of our soul: as our soul is not something that can be undestood in unity, but something that conceives in the beginning in multiple things which try to give shape to one thing. Theres many people in a village, and our minds, are no exception.
— But happiness is only achieved by those who have their soul entire - or those who are the same person regardless of the context and scenario. And we gave to much to somebody that wasn't us, as our spirit took possession and lead us down.
– This is this the essence by which someone goes to hell, only to do one thing over again, getting an ever lasting pain for all the things that were given up chasing that which was absent. The more someone is forced into being shaped by the thing that was concevied in lust, the more the individual misses the place they used to call home, for that is no longer within ones reach. Does this makes sense to you?
The alien left me with no answer, and as he contemplated the sea, a tear travelled through his strange face.
– In this state of anguish, affliction rarely ever feels company, as the very individual condition that was pursued, became a full suit and persona to be forced upon and wear. Hell, is one lonely place man because we only learn to speak a language, that only makes sense to ourselves. But i think we can find a way out of it. This is why I'm here.
“Look, what you’ve done, it’s not something i can see the way you can see my own doing on me.” The alien replied. “Besides the way in which i canno’t see your face in this night, you seem ordinary — but what you talk and the way you say it, evokes in every word regret. What is it that you’ve done that has you regret like this?”
As the alien finished speaking, I emptied the can of beer, layed my eyes on the irregular grooves that my feet had left on the sand, and then replied back to him, after making a recap of the story i had repeatedly told myself after falling down.
“My story, is the fairy tale of a guy who makes way for the new coming of a new man; a better man for the world, while he casts disarray upon the earth: much to his dismay, at the expense of his own soul as the people who become victims of disasters, were ones who this man deemed unfair; cruel, evil, despicable in past. That was at the beginning."
"Theres a pile of corpses behind that character — even in covid time, people as close as the local priest of the small town he lived in, would break their neck after falling in the shower, as he had the slightest suspicion of their secret deeds. All clean deads for that matter. Untraceable to nothing but sheer randomness. Magic as it seeems. But were this folk truly evil people or even guilty of anything? You may ask - the man never knew it for sure, as he never had faculties such as godly omniscience to actually know it; which has taken a toll on him, as the burden of justice is an unberable one for anything but a god."
"Which leads to another point: spontaneously picturing random numbers in the head, associating them with psychological compounds by angular momentum, and actually being bang on the suspicion. Truth friend, in its stochastic presentation: it's unberable.”
“Consequential of such attempts to rationalize his own story in the eyes of people such as close family, my dude became clinically diagnosed with referenced thinking. Which are fancy words for schizophrenia. Nobody believed the story as it was uttered."
"Yet the consequences are there for everyone to see, altought not visible in their cause and effect by anybody but this guy, which lead him first into regret over ever starting his quest as a reformer; and then repent.”
“Now before he realized of this lets call it «curse», he preached for years over the internet as the disasters started to slowly creep up. He preached in a fashion parallel to Niestzches Zarathustra; Zarathustra meaning a famous philosophical device artificied by the philosopher Niestzche, who’s aim was to portray the best posible man, as something he dubbed the <<Übermensch>> ”.
“Such concept being the seemingly more elegant brand of a humanist ideal for a not so distant future: today - albeit a wrong one, for this guy was not dyonisian himself. The backbone of his framework, is analytical psycholgy becoming a chariot for a true understandment of human nature: and ultimately a facilitator for love within light: not within ignorance; not within darkness. Most philosophers today though would mock anything analytical in it's aim."
"Then on the guy preached and dwelved further into the relative hole of his own doctrine: and became imprisoned by what he didn’t got right at first attempt, making him in the process the character that Nietzsche from the comfort of his own writers seat, never attempted to actually embody within realistic means: eventually figuring out within himself the ultimate Nietzschean aristocrat: a magic pen granted by being capetian by mother: from judah by father."
"But Alas, you have no idea how common suicide is within philosophers after they finish their best work. As language, becomes the ultimate barrier for understandment, and then to ones capacity to feel love. Difference — true saliency in ones individual destiny— leads to the gravest posible pain. Ironic isn’t it?”
“Besides technical work with a new form of psychology inspired by analytical chemistry, as that drawed from his efforts during the light of day, five years ago, once he felt the urge to try to reach out to the world from a position of what he deemed was greater understandment: he primitively preached during night his new set of ideas for people to behave beyond the limitations of manipulative psychology, albeit a harsh doctrine meant to clear the way for a better product: Christ himself."
"This is not a doctrine a human being can actually perform, as such its christianity at its highest capacity to bear fruit. It’s an impossible doctrine, yet solves the oldest problem posed in the bible. All which sounds very sci-fi bullshit-y but actual problems started for the protagonist in this tale, when the preaching matched with terrible consequences. Not figurative, but within tangible reality.”
“So just as we talk, theres a small legion of hackers pretending to be doing internet social experiments while talking in an artsy matter: much in my own style, entertaining the exact same concepts - a legion of dangerous monkeys, i have no control over."
"One of the many unexpected consequences being this, yet prompted by something evil; ancient: essentially replicating what my protagonist developed and then preached over the years, while these "hacktivists" lay their attention on things and people, as they select them and enforce upon them strict surveillance, to behave properly. Then to destroy them, as they did in 2020 with many corporations and institutions.A bizarre combination of theater actors to my own liking, and then cyber-security demigods: omniscient in their claims to surveill, and they are - derivative such of another device of what I've done; which is to build a theater so people can make-believe that they are infact performing within themselves something greater - but that's matter for another story."
“Most of the corpses piling up flat out dead, have no relation to him whatsoever; they became victims as my protagonist took measures to fight back the monster he found at the foundation of the known world. This is not an elaborate analogy for one's own unseen capacity for evil, as i mean this: a monster as literally as it can be. For these things friend, im doomed as in true strenght, i have nothing but the pen i use to write down what i think albeit always at danger of it’s eventual inversion. I have no real friends left. Not one who can understand, or help bear the pain: as friendship and love are all gated by understandment."
"The full story has many more vertients, but i think i’ve done it enough justice. This is the predicament of an insane man chased by his own shadow as he builds a better man: one who delivers heavenly things, and then a shadow stringed to deliver tyranny as the very strings behind him make the better man stumble while he tries to keep a grasp of his own spirit, and then of his own soul."
"That monster behind, is wicked smart — and cannot be outwitted nor overpowered but anything but divine smite."
“I’m heading now to a new country, to try to get friends from the only institution in the world who knows and adresses the current times being, and who by extension, might believe me. And to clarify, these being the end of times; but not the end of the world. Yet now i myself have a damocles sword pending over my own head, and i need to do something about it before it falls.”
And as i said these things, i reached out to my backpack drawing a third can of beer from it — besides my own super laptop, thats what my backpack had: an infinite supply of beer. Corona, Indio, Victoria, Dos Equis, Heineken; you name it. I popped the can, and gave it a long and definite sip as i emptied it complete.
The alien didn't try to show that he understood, but stood still in silence, with his sight in the sand below and pressing lips, knowing by my demeanor; that these things as I've said them was something that I needed to do. Then he said: "I don't follow man. You say you preach and then disasters occur. Like a prophet from the bible?"
"Yes. Then I preached to get rid of the things that are actually making the world worse, and something awoke soon after, and since then; everything I do is subject to being misinterpreted due to the diffamatory action of this thing. Now everytime I do something, it can be twisted and turned against my original intent. Right now the hackers are my worst problem: I may have a degree in computers but I have no fucking idea whatsoever of hacking. I earn my living as an A.I engineer.".
The alien raised his sight to meet with mine, and after doing some contemplation on the fact, quite simply said: "You are insane". Then lowered his own sight, and raised it again to meet with the sea and continued. "If you want a tattoo, we can work that out. But either way and whatever parts of your story are true and even worse; the ones you may be lying about: you sound dangerous in a delusional kind of sense, and my life is hard enough as is."
I pressed my fists, knowing then the old same thing had happened again. For I had never forced anything upon anybody, and I was willing to respect that until the bitter end. Then I released the build up of frustration with a loud sigh, and after this amend, I replied back.
"I understand and respect it. But let me just propose you that if you ever want to figure what is beyond life as it's lived by person who has never seen what is like to be someone you write a great story about; you can pin me, and I'll show you what's beyond that door. Give it some thought."
The alien; The Black Alien Project stayed there sitting, spechless but calm, almost expecting something else to be convinced about. But pointless, for i knew that nobody can be forced into anything without bringing a transgression into play – and i wasn’t one to taint myself in sin if it could be avoided. Not anymore.
3.
I made the distance at steady pace walking along the shore, until i found a small group of pines in-between the liminal space of the beach and the land. I sat with one of the pines trunk behind my back, and drawed the Schizo Pills from my eternal supply of traveller goodies.
Quetiapine 100 mg, and Olanzapine 10 mg, i made a smaller fragment from the olanzapine pill, and swallowed both complete. As their side effects were concerned, they would soon knock me out of conscience, as this little ritual was my own way of calling the day complete – then i layed there, vigilant, waiting for my own drowsiness to claim me into sleep - but the Bird of Britan came flying from above, and stood besides me.
\Chirp, Chirp, Chirp**
I watched the bird, annoyed, as its presence had become an omen for contempt. For me and the death people of my past. I frowned upon the little shit, and said nothing. The bird made a little nod, while tilting its head in excentricity the way birds do, and replied. — Hey Andrew!, do you remember when you tried to penetrate your own computer to make a universe grow inside of it? I just wan’t to know something: did your computer moan? Did it finally learnt how to scream your name?
\Chirp Chirp**
Ignoring the bird, i closed my eyes and stayed like that for a long moment, hoping to make the bird think i was asleep. Maybe that would make him leave.
— Can’t bullshit me like that Sweetheart. So please tell me something; why don’t you command one of your supermodels; these muses, to come here and warm the bed for you. It's a cold night and you seem lonely brah
. \Chirp Chirp**
I opened my eyes, and irritated, pointed menacingly at the bird turning my left hand into an imaginary gun. I had already failed at something today, and wasn’t convinced i needed the memory of the things i failed at before. Not now.
- Hol’ up cowboy ! you wan’t to bang my bird ass when you should be banging a bitch ass. What happened with Tyrone huckleberry? Did you managed to make him as impotent as you are right now? —I held steady my hand; and tired, the tempation to pull again the trigger on the bird was growing larger. I saw red roses in my own sight, making a terrible omen for a migraine forthcoming. Said nothing.
Said nothing.
- Alright cowboy, i will give meaning to that revelations verse. What was it? Ah yes. Revelations 9:6. Every single person with an internet history will be as paranoid as you were in 2020. Everyone will be diffamated into acts of political terrorism! Aren’t you am-
"No longer care for love unless it's between good friends”. Said to myself. There was certainly a migraine coming, but maybe my dreams would help convince it otherwise. And as far as the hoes were concerned, Furious Angels would be there for them. Like the Rob Dougan song.
4.
Found my own mind after the slumber – asleep, then awake. I realized several hours passed - at least enough to wake up and witness the sun rise above the sea. But as for dreams, the light veil of their memories wasn't something to rely upon. But i did remember something, and it was some overtone in dread; an atmosphere of fear – and a kind of dread sustained in it’s inevitability by the urgency that builds upon dearth.
Now what exactly was it though? I couldn’t remember from my dreams, but ever since i falled to my own death i had always present in mind the future succesion of events that would follow when things started to go very wrong. Iran, the U.S, Israel - now whatever was it in the news; the outcome would be the same. A thousand more cuts to an already languishing economy. Make that corpse bleed, and then fall off a cliff.
As such things would be cooked, just as the bird of britain. The bird was still there though: just in pieces and roasted like the contents of a dropped KFC bucket would. But the little shit would return - as it always did. The economy? Not so much.
Yet i digress. None of the world circumstances mattered as far i was concerned – i had built a small and portable solar system to power my laptop, and my beer supply was well, infinite - i made myself sure that i had my needs covered whatever happened around me. Not tied to even a house for that matter. I incorporated myself and gave my back a stretch. The morning breeze coming from the sea evocated in my memories some time that had long passed – late childhood. I rejected those memories as they beared with them things i didnt wan’t to remember - then wen’t on as usual in my morning routine scrolling through my instagram feed, figuring if there were any new hoes to maybe motivate me into doing my God imposed labour.
Labour which was to either write, or to finish the House of Water — then after scrolling i did in fact saw a new hoe; i dropped a Faux Pas comment. Maybe she would play along, maybe not. Whatever. Sometimes I would put in a lot of effort to do a rhyme. But the effort depended on the insta-hoe in question. I know. Not the best of habits, but back in elementary school i was the kind of kid that would only get motivation when the girls in the classroom were present in physEd. And then i would run faster: whole lotta faster. Run Forrest! Run! Women love used to fuel me; and the habit sticked — and at the moment, i was kinda done with the idea of female trascendence. Would rely on their love, but not on their validation. Not like a simp. Fuck that.
Furthermore, what results did i demonstrably mustered after pursuing true egalitarianism and sharing it? Exactly. A bitch gonna do what a bitch gonna do, and so does the human female. After publishing the comment, I locked my phone and walked towards the highway, as i was planning to pay a visit to somebody long forgotten - I had kind of a schedule that i was going to follow, before taking the plane to Madrid and become hispanic Jon Snow from the walgreens Nightwatch.
2024.05.15 22:38 SeaNo8699 22F, Indonesia
I'm Nat, I'm looking forward to meeting someone new. I am not in a rush as I am still studying for my Bachelor's Degree in University right now, and it is my current priority. But, as a Christian, I believe that we are called to "be fruitful and increase in number", so of course at this age, I think it is natural for me to start thinking and do something about it. I also believe in dating to marry, so I am seeking for someone with the same value in mind. If I have a chance to get to know you more, I would tell you early and honestly if I feel like we do not match so we wouldn't waste each others' time, and you could tell me the same thing too.
As for my hobbies, I love singing, drawing, journaling, playing some online games, or finding new interests, like new languages or random interesting topics I could find on the internet. I am shy and introverted most of the time especially when I am alone, but with my friends or like-minded people, I could be pretty energetic and talkative. I love going on adventures and travelling, though I haven't travelled much internationally. For my physical appearance, I have a mid-length dark hair and dark eyes, 164 cm, 85kg (that's 5'4 and 187 lbs), which falls under the heavier criteria here, but I am keeping my self healthy, I cook my own meals and frequent walking when I am not busy.
My Christian journey is my whole life. I was born and grew up in a Christian family. My parents went to church under the denomination of Calvinism, and I am still a member of that Church. Since I was a child, I have been taught of all the things every Christian should know of God, Christ, Sin, Salvation.. I even went to a Christian-based School, from elementary to senior high. I am a Christian, intellectually. But I know deep down, I wasn't following Christ wholly as I am attached to a sin. I prayed time and time again for God to save me from this, but I would always fall again. Until I got to university, and He took everything I am so proud of, the mortal things I rely on. I realized that I have been counting on my self, on my own strength. Not on Him. Eventually, I come to Christ, and I give Him my sins, I don't want to be bound by it anymore. I found that the strength, that could set me free from my sins, only comes from Him. I am grateful that He never left me astray, and that His Spirit would always guide me through the rough patches of my life. And I am reminded to "seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33).
I am looking for someone whose faith is in Christ and have similar values as I do. I want someone who's open minded, but is strong in his values. A listener but also a leader. Age range, 20 - 28, but would prefer someone older than me.
For now, I am open to long distance relationship since I don't have the funds to relocate. We could discuss it more.
submitted by SeaNo8699 to ChristianDating [link] [comments]
As for my hobbies, I love singing, drawing, journaling, playing some online games, or finding new interests, like new languages or random interesting topics I could find on the internet. I am shy and introverted most of the time especially when I am alone, but with my friends or like-minded people, I could be pretty energetic and talkative. I love going on adventures and travelling, though I haven't travelled much internationally. For my physical appearance, I have a mid-length dark hair and dark eyes, 164 cm, 85kg (that's 5'4 and 187 lbs), which falls under the heavier criteria here, but I am keeping my self healthy, I cook my own meals and frequent walking when I am not busy.
My Christian journey is my whole life. I was born and grew up in a Christian family. My parents went to church under the denomination of Calvinism, and I am still a member of that Church. Since I was a child, I have been taught of all the things every Christian should know of God, Christ, Sin, Salvation.. I even went to a Christian-based School, from elementary to senior high. I am a Christian, intellectually. But I know deep down, I wasn't following Christ wholly as I am attached to a sin. I prayed time and time again for God to save me from this, but I would always fall again. Until I got to university, and He took everything I am so proud of, the mortal things I rely on. I realized that I have been counting on my self, on my own strength. Not on Him. Eventually, I come to Christ, and I give Him my sins, I don't want to be bound by it anymore. I found that the strength, that could set me free from my sins, only comes from Him. I am grateful that He never left me astray, and that His Spirit would always guide me through the rough patches of my life. And I am reminded to "seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33).
I am looking for someone whose faith is in Christ and have similar values as I do. I want someone who's open minded, but is strong in his values. A listener but also a leader. Age range, 20 - 28, but would prefer someone older than me.
For now, I am open to long distance relationship since I don't have the funds to relocate. We could discuss it more.
2024.05.15 22:37 BookiBabe Repeaters Increased my Overall Max Hang
Crosspost from Climbeharder
TLDR: After a serious injury, I decided to train my fingers and mobility and have already seen great results. I focused on repeaters and my 20mm max hangs increased from ~145lbs for 5 seconds in January 2024 to ~169lbs for 4 seconds May 2024. I'll post an update in about 4-6 weeks after a few runs at max hangs and continued training.
For context, I (33F) have been bouldering for around 6 years. About 3 years ago, I partially tore my labrum and developed severe tendinosis in multiple areas which hampered my ability to train my fingers without risking additional injury. Prior to my recent accident, I had topped my first indoor V8 boulder and was within 1 move of several outdoor V6s. I was ready for the Spring send season.
Then I fell. While trying to top out an awkward V5, I had a bad fall and severely sprained both ankles at the same time. X-rays showed there was also an avulsion fracture on my outer left ankle and the doctor confirmed that I likely pulled several ligaments around the foot and ankle joint.
The doctor also concluded that even if only a single ankle had been sprained, it would be at least 12 weeks recovery time, which meant minimal to no impact and no climbing. Since I messed up both ankles, it would take substantially longer to recover.
Since I couldn't climb, I resolved to train my fingers until my ankles recovered. The shoulders felt great and I had been wanting to do a finger strengthening regimen, and I was homebound. It was perfect.
Back in January, I had started a max hang protocol that was abandoned in favor of climbing harder routes. The previous max hovered between 140-145lbs on the 20mm edge and a bodyweight repeater max of ~30s (7s on 3s rest) per set on the 20mm edge. While those numbers were disappointing at the time, they also provided a great framework for this new routine.
The routine focused on hypertrophy, so I'd have more forearm mass to work with. I started the first few sessions on the 25mm edge, holding for 7s and resting for 5s, as many reps as I could between 6 sets.
Initial total hang times were about 5:10 between six sets of 7 second hangs. After a few sessions, I settled on six sets of 10 second hangs with 5 second rests. The goal was to reach a full 6 minutes, and if that was not fulfilled, I would do three density hangs of 20 seconds on the 20mm edge at the end of my session.
I kept this up until I consistently hung for a total time of 5:40, after about four weeks. At which point I switched to the 20mm edge and followed the same protocol for another two weeks. My max time under tension on the 20mm was 5:55 on 4/30.
I then took a weeklong break before testing my maxes. This time I tested my max strictly on the 20mm ledge for 7 seconds and was able to successfully hold at least 163.6 lbs and failed at 168.6 lbs for 4 seconds. Bodyweight repeaters changed my overall hanging weight from 126% to 146% of bodyweight.
submitted by BookiBabe to climbergirls [link] [comments]
TLDR: After a serious injury, I decided to train my fingers and mobility and have already seen great results. I focused on repeaters and my 20mm max hangs increased from ~145lbs for 5 seconds in January 2024 to ~169lbs for 4 seconds May 2024. I'll post an update in about 4-6 weeks after a few runs at max hangs and continued training.
For context, I (33F) have been bouldering for around 6 years. About 3 years ago, I partially tore my labrum and developed severe tendinosis in multiple areas which hampered my ability to train my fingers without risking additional injury. Prior to my recent accident, I had topped my first indoor V8 boulder and was within 1 move of several outdoor V6s. I was ready for the Spring send season.
Then I fell. While trying to top out an awkward V5, I had a bad fall and severely sprained both ankles at the same time. X-rays showed there was also an avulsion fracture on my outer left ankle and the doctor confirmed that I likely pulled several ligaments around the foot and ankle joint.
The doctor also concluded that even if only a single ankle had been sprained, it would be at least 12 weeks recovery time, which meant minimal to no impact and no climbing. Since I messed up both ankles, it would take substantially longer to recover.
Since I couldn't climb, I resolved to train my fingers until my ankles recovered. The shoulders felt great and I had been wanting to do a finger strengthening regimen, and I was homebound. It was perfect.
Back in January, I had started a max hang protocol that was abandoned in favor of climbing harder routes. The previous max hovered between 140-145lbs on the 20mm edge and a bodyweight repeater max of ~30s (7s on 3s rest) per set on the 20mm edge. While those numbers were disappointing at the time, they also provided a great framework for this new routine.
The routine focused on hypertrophy, so I'd have more forearm mass to work with. I started the first few sessions on the 25mm edge, holding for 7s and resting for 5s, as many reps as I could between 6 sets.
Initial total hang times were about 5:10 between six sets of 7 second hangs. After a few sessions, I settled on six sets of 10 second hangs with 5 second rests. The goal was to reach a full 6 minutes, and if that was not fulfilled, I would do three density hangs of 20 seconds on the 20mm edge at the end of my session.
I kept this up until I consistently hung for a total time of 5:40, after about four weeks. At which point I switched to the 20mm edge and followed the same protocol for another two weeks. My max time under tension on the 20mm was 5:55 on 4/30.
I then took a weeklong break before testing my maxes. This time I tested my max strictly on the 20mm ledge for 7 seconds and was able to successfully hold at least 163.6 lbs and failed at 168.6 lbs for 4 seconds. Bodyweight repeaters changed my overall hanging weight from 126% to 146% of bodyweight.
2024.05.15 22:34 Frequent_Cry_6559 DTA Error? - How should I proceed?
Hi, trying to see how to proceed moving forward on a denied claim.
I recently submitted a supplemental claim for shoulder issues due to osteoarthritis from an accident that happened in service. The interesting this is that the injury happened on both shoulders which I claimed as bilateral at the time (had surgery on both) when I got out in 2018 they connected and rated me for the left shoulder because X-rays showed arthritis but they said the right one didn't. The also claimed that the right shoulder injury didn't happen during active duty which is odd because it was the same injury that they rated me for on the connected shoulder. I was at the Naval Academy during that time which i believe does qualify as active duty according to 38 CFR 3.6.
Fast forward to now, I recently got an X-ray that shows osteoarthritis in my right shoulder. I submitted that evidence as a supplemental on May 6 and got a rating decision on May 7(huh!) as still denied. I see that the diagnosis I submitted is under the evidence but they neither mention it or gave me a C & P exam. They said the below which is the exact same thing they said back in 2018:
"According to VA examination opinion dated October 25, 2018, the examiner opined that there is currently no pathology to render a diagnosis of a right shoulder condition. X-rays dated October 25, 2018 were normal.
The evidence shows that you experienced issues with your right shoulder on February 21, 2012 which was not during active duty."
Thanks for reading!
submitted by Frequent_Cry_6559 to VeteransBenefits [link] [comments]
I recently submitted a supplemental claim for shoulder issues due to osteoarthritis from an accident that happened in service. The interesting this is that the injury happened on both shoulders which I claimed as bilateral at the time (had surgery on both) when I got out in 2018 they connected and rated me for the left shoulder because X-rays showed arthritis but they said the right one didn't. The also claimed that the right shoulder injury didn't happen during active duty which is odd because it was the same injury that they rated me for on the connected shoulder. I was at the Naval Academy during that time which i believe does qualify as active duty according to 38 CFR 3.6.
Fast forward to now, I recently got an X-ray that shows osteoarthritis in my right shoulder. I submitted that evidence as a supplemental on May 6 and got a rating decision on May 7(huh!) as still denied. I see that the diagnosis I submitted is under the evidence but they neither mention it or gave me a C & P exam. They said the below which is the exact same thing they said back in 2018:
"According to VA examination opinion dated October 25, 2018, the examiner opined that there is currently no pathology to render a diagnosis of a right shoulder condition. X-rays dated October 25, 2018 were normal.
The evidence shows that you experienced issues with your right shoulder on February 21, 2012 which was not during active duty."
Thanks for reading!