Hello everyone! I found other posts about people talking about their biscalp experience super helpful leading up to my surgery, so I wanted to post my experience as well! I just had my surgery Monday morning, about two days ago.
I'm a 31 cisgender white woman, and I got my procedure done through University of Michigan Health. Honestly, I had such a positive experience! I've never had any kind of surgery done before, so I didn't know how my body would handle it. I'm also heavier, and I wasn't sure if my weight would be an issue. Long story short, I had zero issues or complications, and my surgery only took 37 minutes!
The entire care team was super warm, and I had a lot of people checking in on me, going over the procedure, and so on. Since U of M Health is a big teaching organization, it felt like I had double the people checking on me - both the seasoned doctors/nurses/anesthesiologists and the younger residents. Honestly, it was more comforting than I expected, and I was happy that the majority of my care team, including my surgeon and surgical resident, were women!
They gave me warm blankets after I changed into my gown, and it took them a bit of time to find a vein for my IV. My hand is a little bruised since they couldn't find a good vein there. I'm actually glad they went with my inner elbow instead - hand IVs suck imo. They gave me Tylenol and anti-nausea meds orally and started the IV.
Then, various people stopped by to review recovery, confirm the procedure, and do the anesthesiology checks. They also took my post-op snack and drink requests! I probably waited like 30 minutes in pre-op, and we actually got to go to the OR ahead of schedule. When it was time to go, things kicked into motion pretty quickly. They gave me some medication in my IV that "would make me feel like I had a few stiff drinks." Things got fuzzy at this point, but I think it was like some kind of anti-anxiety med. They rolled me into the OR, where I scooted over to the operating table. They started doing all their verbal checks, and they gave me a mask with oxygen. I remember being told to breathe deeply, then I think they said they were switching to the anesthesia. I was out immediately, and I remember absolutely nothing past that point!
During my surgery, my partner got text updates in the waiting room, and he went to the in-house pharmacy to get my post-op meds. The surgeon called him when the surgery was over and said it went well! They kept him in the waiting room until I started waking up. The surgery itself only took 37 minutes, and they said I slept afterward for about 40 minutes or so.
When I woke up, I actually felt pretty good! I wasn't in much pain at all, and I was able to have relatively lucid conversations. I got ginger ale, crackers, and graham crackers, and the nurse made sure I took my time waking up. Apparently, I started humming/singing Hot to Go while I was coming to 😂. The nurse took off the various stickers and the puffy leg things they put on you in surgery. I felt like I had to pee, so I slowly got dressed and went to the bathroom with my partner's help. Turns out I didn't really have to pee, it was more just a feeling of pressure.
After I was more awake, my partner pulled the car around and they sent me on my way!
They called the morning after to check up on me. They also gave me laparoscopic photos of the surgery, which I wasn't expecting! They are both weird and fascinating to look at. One of my surgeons wrote, "No tubes!" in one of the post-scalp photos, lol. In my patient portal, there are also fairly detailed descriptions of how the anesthesia and surgery went.
I was prescribed Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Miralax, and five Oxycodone. I've been taking the first two in shifts, and I only take the Oxycodone to sleep. I've taken the Miralax a bit. Granted, I only had my surgery on Monday (two days ago), but I've been able to use the bathroom. I'm also drinking a ton of water, ginger ale, and kombucha.
For recovery, the biggest things have been keeping cats off my lap, avoiding any sort of strained movements, using lots of pillows to get comfy, and working with my appetite. I'm not really nauseous, but only certain things sound good. I've been using a lot of pillows to get comfy on a recliner, and I'm trying to both get up and walk a bit without overdoing it. I have a bit of shoulder discomfort, and my throat is still kinda sore and phlegmy from being intubated. I also just feel generally wiped out. My incisions are sore, but honestly, it's not bad. My abdomen is tender and bloated.
So now it's just the 4-week recovery period. No heavy lifting or strain on the abdomen for 4 weeks, which includes things like vacuuming. And, no using tampons for two weeks.
I don't want to jinx myself, but the whole thing is not as bad as I anticipated. Obviously, everyone's body is different, but I hope this helps put some folks at ease - it can go really smoothly! My surgeon is seriously a wizard. She thought she might have to make a larger incision since I carry weight around my belly, but she didn't! And I can't get over how quickly it went! I appreciate how much information I got about the surgery, too.
I feel lucky that I had such a positive experience. It's a huge weight off my shoulders, and I'm super proud that I took this step!
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Just gonna get this out there, I have problems with my erection. It's been an issue for a long time and it's an issue that'll likely never be resolved. I do however have ways to mitigate it. I told my gf about it within a week of us starting dating. We are now at 2 months. She assured me that she was fine with it and said she was impressed how honest I was this early on.
Unfortunately I have a very high libido and the methods I use to keep up my erection can't be used as often as I'd like to have sex. She too has a high libido which has resulted in rather frustrating moments at times. Regardless, we dealt with them and intercourse wasn't the only form of sex. I really liked my gf and thought I had finally found the one. Then the thing happened. I'm sure y'all can see where this is going, but I'm gonna spell it out anyway.
We have some common friends, but both of us also have our own friend groups. Due to us hanging out a lot together, attachments had began to form between all three groups. That's how it spread. Apparently my gf had told one or more of her girlfriends about my issue, who in turn told their boyfriends. They apprently thought it was hilarious and decided to spread the secret to the whole group. Some of my gfs guyfriends, who even she admitted had a thing for her, started to openly mock me at a gathering with everyone present. Some of them laughed, including some of the people who I thought were my friends, most just stared in awkward silence. Not a single person, even my gf, came to my defence. She was red as a tomato and clearly didn't intend for this to happen. But I was pissed. I left immediately and she followed.
In the car back to my place I screamed and cried at her, mocking her for all her insecurities she had confided to me. She started crying and I realized I had gone too far. She wanted to leave the car and I let her off. Last I saw her, she was on the roadside on the phone. I held her in my rearview mirror till one of her friends picked her up just to be safe.
I drove home and that's when the real shitstorm started. Everyone, literally everyone started blowing up the various group chats and DMs for massively overreacting. The assholes who were into my gf disgusted me with their obvious white knighting. Only my gf was silent. I sent her a message saying that we needed to talk, but apparently one of her friends answered and told me to shut the fuck up until spoken to. It's been 2 days and the message bombardment hasn't stopped, but my gf hasn't answered. I guess I should be grateful that they didn't spread that information further. I don't think my gf wanted to hurt me, just like I didn't intend to hurt her. But she shouldn't have told my most embarrassing secret to anyone. AITAH?

Hallo all,
I’m not a big fan of overreacting, so I was a bit surprised by the criticism towards the recent change. Sure, it is a big change, but I didn’t feel it was the end of the world or something that was going to really affect the experience of using the app.
My first thought was the “opening move” feature is optional so women can choose if they want to use it or stick to the traditional Bumble philosophy and start by themselves the conversations. It is one of the reasons for using Bumble, right?
However, after a week seeing the change in action, I’m starting to think how bad this new feature is and even how it can kill my usage of Bumble. Sure, we need more time to check how it works, but right now I don’t see myself using Bumble if the new feature confirms my concerns.
Why women starting conversations was important
It is true that most women start a conversation with just a “hey” or a silly gif, so you can think the opening move is not a big deal since most of the times men have to bring a topic, question, etc. in order to start a proper conversation.
But this feature wasn’t exactly about women taking initiative for conversations. The feature was interesting for the effects and online dating dynamics that were generated. One issue with online dating for women is the number of matches and conversations they can get, which leads to not pay proper attention to the dating options, dating burnout, many conversations without follow-up, etc. If they have to initiate in order to have a conversation, they can clean more or less their match queue, focusing only on people they really want to talk to. Of course, they can choose to send a “hey” to everyone and there’s still a lot of matches that won’t get a follow-up after replying to that initial “hey”. But at the end of the day, the general feeling for women is that they could have less conversations going on than other dating apps and for men they could feel each match was a bit more valuable than the average dating app.
The only dating app I have ever used beside Bumble is Tinder, which was my only dating app for some time. While these apps still have plenty of things to complain about, Bumble gave me at least the feeling that it was working significantly better. On Tinder I had more matches, but the conversations on Bumble were usually more interesting and I usually found myself more exciting to go on a date with someone from Bumble.
I don’t have the exact data for the number of matches, but since I installed Bumble, I was equally active on Tinder, getting 2x matches. Despite this, the ratio for my dates I went during this period was 65%Bumble-35%Tinder.
Finally, this detail might sound silly. I know openings by women are usually “hey”, but for men, Bumble notifications always have some dopamine attached due to women starting a chat, an event that only occurs in a very small percentage of matches in other apps. Yes, online dating apps suck most of the time. Nonetheless, Bumble could give you some seconds of feeling rewarded for building a nice profile.
What will happen now?
The update needs some time to make a proper evaluation. So far, we can only speculate. After thinking about what made Bumble special over other apps, I feel losing its particular feature will make the experience worse. At the beginning, I thought it wasn’t that bad: not all profiles will have the “opening move” activated or even the new feature is okay because it will give us an idea to start a conversation.
The issue is when we look at the big picture: now women on Bumble can get more easily overwhelmed by the number of messages they receive, increasing the dating burnout. Hinge seems to be doing well thanks to its aggressive politics towards reducing the number of matches and chats you can have. Bumble might have a problem with the number of matches and likes for women but at least it was doing fine regarding the number of conversations opened.
The new feature will generate more chats but looking at the online dating landscape, this usually results in a worse experience for both men and women. Reducing the number of matches and make each match more meaningful should be the goal and right now Bumble is going on the opposite direction.
Bumble is losing users and they don’t know what to do
As many other online services, they were happily seeing how each year the userbase was growing exponentially until suddenly your annual growth is not as big anymore. There is no infinite growing but stake holders cannot understand it. We have seeing already so many stupid decisions by rich companies like Netflix or Microsoft and the match group is not an exception. I also feel like dating apps have peaked in terms of userbase. Then, the apps are trying to make changes to get more users or improve the engagement, while also trying to be even more profitable. The changes seem to increase the engagement for the users and the premium plans are more expensive than ever. So far it looks good for them, until the userbase starts to decrease.
It seems one of the reasons for this new feature is to please user complains. Women said they didn’t know what to do to start a conversation or that they just really do not want to do it. Men also complained that it was impossible to get someone else’s attention and some matches get lost without having a chance to try. One important lesson for design (and it doesn’t matter the field) is that even when the customer complaints, they really don’t know what they want or what is good for them. The “opening move” feature is a great example of this. I don’t think people overreacting to the change and deleting the app will make a big impact, but the new Bumble seems to be more prone for online dating burnout and the users will be deleting the app gradually.
Also, why not implement the “opening move” the other way around (for straight men profiles so women can start a conversation without that allegedly tedious feeling of thinking what to say)? Or why not limit the number of opening moves received/sent to make the matches more valuable? They could have implemented many ideas to escape the “wow this is just Tinder now” critique, but it seems they didn’t even try to keep the Bumble initial identity.
Getting even more subjective, I would like to give my advice regarding the use of the “opening move” feature. For me, it is not a great sign to see a profile with this option activated. If I’m having conversations with different people and I see one profile with this option, this potential date looks less interesting. I know that I don’t speak for all men, and I know women have also plenty of things to complain regarding the dating world, but the lack of initiative by most women is something that turns me off. On the other hand, women starting a conversation, proposing a date, making a plan, opening a conversation with something more than just a “hey”, etc. can make a lot of men really interested. Of course, there are so many things to consider and it is never easy to know why sometimes you are attracted to some people more than others.
My point is that at least Bumble opened a door to see something a bit different in the dating world. As a man, it was interesting to see women starting a chat. It does not happen often but sometimes you get someone starting a conversation with something funny or interesting. These kinds of things also give you the opportunity to decide if you wanted to be more interested or not in the match you were chatting with. If I’m texting with two matches and one of them does not have “opening move” and she started a conversation asking me something she liked about my profile, while the other match the conversation started because of me… Probably I will be more interested on the first woman.

TLDR: My partner had a very sudden manic episode turned into a psychotic break over the past week, and I'm not handling him being in a psych ward for the time being very well. It's honestly killing me, I'm so worried for him - I'm looking for advice and support on how to cope with this event.
My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been together for nearly 3 years. For 2 years, we were long distance. In August 2023 is when we closed the distance and began living with each other in real life. Last week, the week of May 5th, is when this situation begun.
We frequently took edibles (weed) as part of our routine. Last Tuesday, he did just that - and while he was high, he started to get curious about his parents' finances. He began to text both his mother and father, asking questions about what they've saved up for their retirement. His mom seemed to be dodging his questions a lot, but eventually she told him that she estimated that both she and his father would have around 10-13 million after retirement. Not only this, but she also both implied and outright confirmed that my boyfriend would be inheriting this large amount of money after they pass away. This quickly unlocked a hyperfixation for him, and we began to talk about it together. It's all we talked about for that week, because we thought, why is this something that his mother would lie about? There's absolutely no understandable reason that she would have to lie about this. I should mention that, after Tuesday, he did not take any more edibles or substances, though regardless I feel that weed may have partially played a role in why this happened.
Throughout the week, as he was delving into this hyperfixation, his behavior began to change. I didn't truly notice it at the time, and just thought he was very reasonably acting a bit odd and excited because, this was a life changing thing that was presumably happening for the both of us. I didn't think to question his mother's statement. Me being passive to his behavior and not suspicious of his mother's statement and behavior is something I feel I am to blame for, because it turned out to be a slowly building manic episode. On Friday, May 10th, is when we found out that the 10-13 million inheritance was a lie. He was distraught - absolutely broken. Something snapped in him after that day.
On Saturday, he woke me up at 6-7 am. I suspect that he may not have slept Friday night into Saturday morning. He reassured me that he would be okay, we would both be okay after this, that we would get over it and be able to focus on something else. But very quickly throughout Saturday his behavior shifted drastically, and it turned into a full blown manic episode. For the entire first half of the day, he paced around our apartment, glued to his phone, spamming everyone in his life about the thoughts he had been having. It's normal for him to be on his phone a lot, so I didn't question this. I regret it so much, I should have noticed the signs. It's difficult for me to convey what exactly his thoughts were or what his hyperfixation was, because most of it didn't truly make sense, but the short version of it is that since the inheritance wasn't real, he began to hyperfixate on starting a business from the ground up with both me and his friends. It spiraled from there.
In the evening is when his behavior began to become violent and increasingly more erratic. He began to direct his frustration and anger towards me, starting to hyperfixate on me and our relationship, blaming me for the entire situation. We've had a difficult relationship, but we've always managed to come back full circle either way. He became paranoid of me, believed that I could hurt him, and so much more. It broke my heart. It's more than I can convey into words. Saturday evening into Sunday morning I stayed up all night with him, trying to handle the situation as best as I could, but it only got worse. Eventually, his parents arrived at our apartment. He's always had apprehensions about introducing me to his parents for multiple reasons, especially including the fact that we met online. He believed that they wouldn't understand it, and he didn't have a close relationship with his parents to begin with at all. It sucks that I could only meet them as this situation was going down.
Sunday, May 12th, is when his parents took him to the emergency room. It is only on the very next day, May 13th, that he was admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I'm heartbroken. I'm keeping in contact with his mother, but I haven't gotten many updates from her besides the fact that he's in a hospital and that they're waiting to hear from the doctor. Based on what I've seen with his behavior and researched, it seems that his manic episode eventually turned into a psychotic break. I also suspect that he may have bipolar 1 disorder. I'm not a doctor, but it matches up with everything that I've seen, and I'm devastated. It was horrible. His mother has bipolar disorder, though im not sure what type - though my partner did mention that his mother would have occasional manic episodes.
Now it's been three days in total since he's been gone. All I've been doing is grieving. I've eaten very little, all I've been doing is crying, and everything in our apartment reminds me of him. It's incredibly painful to be here without him because we spent all of our time together. I'm also worried about him being in the hospital itself - I don't want him to be mistreated by others or misdiagnosed. Psych hospitals can be very hit or miss, and it terrifies me. It's possible that he could be there for several weeks at the very least given how severe his mental state was. I just don't know what to do, or what this means for us in the future. He hasn't even gotten a diagnosis yet, from what I know. I just feel like I'm being kept in the dark. I don't know anything about what's happening at all. I just want him to be okay. How can I get through this? I don't think I can get through this. What happens when he gets back? Is he gonna be okay? Have any of you experienced what it's like to be kept in a psych hospital? I don't know what to do with myself when he comes back, I don't know how to support myself in the mean time, and I don't know what this means for us or for our relationship. I'm so, so scared. I'm terrified. I love him so much, I just want him to be okay.
I don't have many people around me to support me, so posting here has been my last resort. This is my first time dealing with a mental health crisis like this. I feel awful, I feel horrible, I feel like this is all my fault. I feel like if I saw the signs earlier, I could've prevented this, I could've grounded him, I could've brought him down from where he was headed. I don't know what exact mental illness he has yet, I can only assume based on what I've seen. But, has anyone ever been in a similar situation like this? What do I do with myself? I know he's getting the help that he needs, but I can't help but worry for him. I feel super isolated and alone and anxious in our apartment. It's empty here without him, incredibly empty.
If you've read this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It means more to me than you know. So, once more, TLDR: My partner had a very sudden manic episode turned into a psychotic break over the past week, and I'm not handling him being in a psych ward for the time being very well. It's honestly killing me, I'm so worried for him - I'm looking for advice and support on how to cope with this event.

Sorry, this is a long read but I feel like I need to vent and maybe be judged for being an idiot. I will try to be as unbiased as possible as I know I'm at fault too.
So I (m30) and my ex (f26) met on Hinge and quickly started playing video games together (Destiny 2, and to this day it's still one of my best memories). We stayed up for so long just talking for hours; we hit it off instantly. This theme carried on until we met. I traveled to her (this will become a pattern), and when I tell you it was love at first sight, I mean it. I just could not stop smiling; she was so perfect in every way. As the relationship progressed, it only got stronger. She helped me open up (we both have broken pasts and trauma to go with it). She helped me become soft and as silly as it may seem, she helped me cry again. I have never felt so safe, secure, loved, seen, and heard by anyone. I truly looked up to her and appreciated her as a person, and I know she felt the same. She told me on many occasions how happy she was, how no one had ever been this good to her. She had a bad past with men, so I took that into consideration and even asked if it was OK to touch her and if she was comfortable during our intimate moments. We honestly were perfect and everyone could see how happy we were. Everything I liked, she liked. If I played a game, she got that game to join me (she even got a PS5 just to play with me). She was my little copycat; she even stole some of my jokes and sayings. We were inseparable; she was my best friend and future wife.
Fast forward to us moving in together about a year into our relationship. I moved everything; I left friends and family and packed everything up to be with her. Things were still amazing and healthy. We both have a child each, so that added to the mix, and honestly, they were a pain now and again, but I can safely say they loved having each other around... when they weren't bickering, and I loved them both. I took her child as my own and loved her; I still do.
We went through a lot together and I was always there to support her, and I think I did a good job of it too. I helped her through all her problems; I was always there to help and be a shoulder to cry on. She told me about her past and how every single one of her exes hurt her in some way from the r-word to abuse and cheating. I made sure I was nothing like them. I respected her in every way possible. I made sure I kissed her, told her how beautiful she was and how lucky I was to have her, how much I loved her. I hyped her up every chance I got. I made it my mission to make her feel confident again, and it worked. She finally saw what I did, but let's focus on the issues because every relationship has them. We both got sloppy. I have ADHD and she has her own personal issues, and we let the house get on top of us now and again. She definitely cleaned more than me and I never took the initiative, but when I cleaned, oh boy did I clean, and this was something we were working on and I honestly was getting better but I feel like she didn't see that. I was also struggling to find a job and I got more and more depressed, and in the last month of our relationship, I let myself go completely. I was in a hole and I just needed support, support like I always gave her. She started to argue more but I shut down when I feel like I'm being attacked (it's childhood trauma I'm working with a therapist now). I now see I could have handled it better, but at the same time I told her about this and at times she talked to me about it instead of fighting and it helped. I'm painting myself in a bad light here. She also had her problems, like she would nap a lot and I'd have to deal with the kids, or she would also shut down, especially when her PTSD kicked in. But I never minded. I knew who she was and I fully accepted her for it, and I understand people aren't perfect. But the love we had and the good times we created heavily outweighed the bad.
The night we broke up was the worst night of my life. The day started off so well. We were the amazing loving couple we always were. She and the 2 kids were play fighting and she was egging me on to join, so in a joking fashion I told her no and told my son to go beat her up for me. He took it too far and hit her too hard (he's only 5 at the time). She then out of nowhere hit me across the face and I didn't know what to do. I shut down. I calmly got the kids to bed and just shut down. She was begging and pleading for me to talk to her and I just ignored her like the child I am. The sweetest, most loving girl I've ever known and I ignored her. She left the house in the dark in her pyjamas and I couldn't stop her. I had this battle in my head that wouldn't let me.
She came back an hour later with no emotion. She wanted me and my son out. I tried and tried to talk to her but she wasn't there anymore. Everyone hated me and I couldn't understand why. I know I had a few issues but doesn't everyone? It was our first big fight and all of a sudden I'm manipulative and a narcissist. All I could do was apologize. It got to the point I was saying sorry for things that I didn't do. I was lost and confused. She kissed me before I left and that only made it worse. Me and my son were homeless and living on my mom's couch. I tried talking to her but she got nasty, started with the name calling and belittling, pointing out all my flaws. I didn't know what to do. I just kept apologizing and telling her I loved her and I'd be better. I was losing my mind. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and at one point I was to her. I couldn't understand how she could completely do a 180 and hate me to the core. I made all the mistakes. I begged, I pleaded, I even messaged her nan hoping she would understand and help me but it only made it all worse. I sent gifts, I tried reminding her of the good times... Like I said, all the mistakes. I became obsessive (since then I have done a lot of work with my therapist and I had a nervous breakdown due to my abandonment issues and anxiety). I even turned up at her house; granted I did message beforehand because I needed some documents for the next day but she never got the message.
Well, as I'm sure you can all guess what happened next. She rang the police and I was blocked on everything. I did stop messaging her eventually and only did when I needed to sort out my belongings(admittedly I did mess up now and again but no one is perfect), and at one point we talked on the phone. She told me she didn't know if she wanted to involve the police anymore (gave me false hope). We talked a little; turned out she needed some money so I sent her some. Then it was back to her being cold and evil... She made reports to child services (I've been cleared of them). She reported me for having firearms... They were airsoft guns :/ and she knows this. She's been talking about me behind my back and making me this monster that ruined her life when it was I that lost everything. Even one of her friends came forward and told me all the nasty things she's been saying and all my insecurities she's been mocking me about.
I got to a dark place. I had nothing. It was 3 weeks into the breakup and I snapped. It all got too much. I felt like I failed everyone and I had nothing left to live for. I tried taking my own life. The only person I told was my child's mum so she could come get him.
News got to my ex and she took it as an attack on her. She somehow made it about her. This only made her more vindictive, calling me a narcissist and manipulative yet again. This fucked me up more. For weeks all I could do was research narcissism. Even after my therapist said I wasn't a narcissist, I was still unsure.
I finally got a truck sorted to get my stuff from her, and there was a lot missing so I had to go into the house to sort it. I even made her laugh at some point (bad idea... made her hate me more somehow). But when I was leaving, she turned yet again (I now know it's because I was in front of the ring camera and she wanted me to react to her abuse to further paint me as the bad guy). She laughed in my face and called me pathetic for trying to end it... It destroyed me. She also said if she didn't hit me she would have hit my son, then called me a pussy for not hitting her back.
Do I deserve all this? I know I wasn't a perfect, I'm trying to at least better myself. I fucked up by bugging her for sure but is this level of revenge justified? She's ruined my life. My mental health has never been so bad. I don't feel like this is normal. But then again, I've never loved like this and definitely never felt a heartbreak like this. It's nearly been 3 months now and I still blame myself for everything. I feel like a monster. I've not bothered checking up on her and I'm trying my best to move on She still hates me and from what I heard and the smear campaign is still going strong.
I miss the sweet adorable good girl I used to have, I miss the funny out going person I used to be and I miss the family we had, I'd do anything to have that back but her actions are telling me it's never going to happen and maybe that's for the best I just wish I could stop crying everytime I think of her I wish I could fix this I wish I was better for her but I'm broken.
Will she allways hate me? Is this all my fault? And will this pain ever go because I'm struggling I don't know how much longer I can do this, the one woman I ever fully loved with all my heart hating me over a mistake is weighing heavy on me, maybe one day she will understand that it's not just her with mental health issues and I was only trying my best but I'm not holding out hope.
If you ever read this A Im truly do love you with everything I have and I know you must be hurting too, I'm sorry I did this to you, I'm sorry I couldn't be better, I let my trauma get the better off me and ill never forgive my self for losing the love of my life, I know I made you happy and hopefully in the future I'll get the chance to make you happy again.

This will be a bit lengthy, so I apologize in advance. I just need to get it out there because I can't talk to anyone in my life about it without them turning on my ex, which I don't want. I'll put a TL;DR at the bottom.
Some background. My ex-fiancee and I were together for a total of 12 years and we have a five year old daughter together. About four or five years ago, I bought a small home with her. She doesn't work, so I paid 100% of the bills, debts, etc. When I bought the place, I was still rebuilding my credit due to being out of work prior to that and I had to move quickly because my previous landlord defaulted on the building I was living in and all the tenants got notified the new owner wanted the place vacated. Ended up buying a mobile/modular home in a pretty quiet little area. I lived in a mobile home as a kid and I hated it - still do now, but it's what I've got and I have it completely paid off. I have a degree and work a good job with decent pay, but it's tough to make ends meet on a single income these days.
My ex cheated on me a few times and left me for another guy. I allowed her to continue living in the house with me for a while until she could find other living arrangements and I slept on the couch. Eventually she moved in with her mom. Now that my credit is in great shape and I'm moving to a new project at work with a very sizable pay increase, I'm looking for an actual house to buy. Unfortunately the housing market is really tough right now and anything within my price range gets snapped up immediately, often over the asking price. The plan is (and has been since she moved out), that once I find another place to live, I'm going to straight up give her this place I'm in now - sign the title over to her and everything. It's by far her cheapest option to live on her own. I've been telling her all along, she needs some form of stable income, because while I will continue helping out financially, I won't be able to pay all the bills on two separate homes. She agreed.
She and her mom do not get along well. Her mom is pretty religious and very Conservative and she isn't. I've repeatedly urged them not to discuss politics and things like that. This morning, apparently they got into an argument about that stuff and my ex called her mom a very obscene name in front of our daughter. Then she called me and started demanding I move back in with my parents (I'm 38 years old) so she and my daughter can move into my house while I continue paying all the bills.
In all the time we'd been together, and even still, I almost never say no to her. She calls me asking for money for food, gas, clothes for our daughter, etc., and I give it to her no questions asked. If she needs help with pretty much anything, I help her. I always made/make her problems my problems for our daughter's sake. My ex has some diagnosed mental health issues (diagnosed with Bipolar I and BPD separately) she struggles with and has a really hard time controlling herself when she gets upset. I told her I was not going to give up pretty much the only thing I had, my home, just because she can't control herself and not escalate disagreements into a screaming match. She immediately started screaming at me, swearing at me, telling me I didn't care about our daughter, etc. and even brought up our breakup, which she blamed 100% all on me.
I did not engage in the hostility and just ignored it. I told her the best I could do was give her some money to get a hotel room for the night and cool off and that I would pause house hunting and look for an apartment to rent. I told her she needed to find some way to make peace with her mom in the meantime and start looking for a way to get some stable income. She's got a hearing for her disability case (for her mental health issues) on the 20th, but who knows how that'll go.
My house is small and not great, but it's my sanctuary. Coming home to a quiet house and relaxing after work is literally all I have that allows me to sort of recharge my batteries and de-stress enough to face the following day. I'm essentially a shell of a man at this point. I'm under a lot of stress between work and dealing with my ex, and my anxiety has been through the roof. I feel it spike every time my phone rings, even more when I see it's my ex calling. All I want is some peace and quiet so that I can focus on my own healing and move on with my life. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, hiding out and hoping for a night here and there where everyone just leaves me alone. I joined some dating apps to see if I was even still capable of meeting someone new, but can't even bring myself to respond to them when they message me. I probably have too many trust issues and too much baggage with the living situation right now anyway.
I'm just tired of everything turning into a crisis and then having that crisis land squarely in my lap to fix. I work hard, bend over backwards to help out and get them everything they want/need, and I don't bother anyone. I don't even buy things for myself that I want anymore. I pay my bills and hoard the rest in case I need to send some to my ex to get our daughter some clothes or shoes or groceries. On average, I spend less than $100 a month on myself for non-essentials.
I'm nowhere close to perfect, but I've had pretty much endless patience over the years - constantly criticized/put down, verbally attacked, cheated on, and ultimately dumped for a guy she just met. By the end of our relationship, I was already empty inside, so yeah, I can see how she might think I wasn't there emotionally - but I was always patient, kind, and provided for both her and my daughter.
I'm absolutely in shock that she thinks I don't care about our daughter because I won't give into her demands to just hand her my home without anywhere to go. Even if I did want to move back in with my parents, they're smokers and my daughter can't stay with me there on the weekends. She essentially demands that I give up what little bit I have left to salvage my own mental well-being because she can't control herself and decide to simply not respond to touchy subjects between them.
My daughter is my world and I'm truly conflicted about this. I don't want her witnessing my ex screaming obscenities at her mother. I just feel like I have to draw the line somewhere. Maybe it's my own fault for walking on eggshells for so long and bending over backwards to give her everything she asked for. The one time I stand my ground, I'm treated like the most selfish man alive and have to listen to her screaming insults at me on the phone while I'm at work. Am I really being that selfish here?
She pushed back on my offer to get her a hotel room for the night so she could get a break from her mom, but I was eventually able to calm her down for now by suggesting I'd call off my desire to be an actual homeowner so that I can more quickly just find a place to rent and move into - provided she gets some source of steady income to pay for her utilities and groceries.
I think I need to get myself into therapy. At this point, I'm tired of bending over backwards all the time, sacrificing my dignity, self-worth, and happiness, only to get treated like a monster the first time I say no. I want some peace. I've never minded helping out as much as possible and did not want to get lawyers involved because I truly wanted to help whenever it was needed rather than giving a flat amount every month, but I feel like my own humanity is being taken for granted with demands like this. Maybe it's time to set up something official so I can stop taking calls from her 4-5 times a day, just send out a flat amount every month, and finally just be left alone.
If you read this far, I appreciate it. I'm just worn out and empty inside. I'm even ignoring my own friends because I just want to be left alone. Thankfully they're understanding of my situation without me giving specifics and are giving me space. I genuinely don't think my ex is a bad person, but her Bipolar disorder can be very challenging to deal with. I just hope my severe anxiety and my desire to be completely alone goes away once I get into a better place.
TL;DR - ex-fiancee lives with her mom but doesn't get along. They had a fight this morning and she called me, demanding I move back in with my parents and let her live in my home while I continue paying all the bills. I feel it is an unreasonable request and told her no. She did not take it well.

A lot of new fans are curious as to which order they should start watching the show, because they want to watch the best seasons and avoid spoilers. While watching from the beginning and making up your own mind would make sense in theory, true fans know that a complicated, nonsensical approach is the only way to really enjoy the show. As a fan who has been watching since the first season aired in 2000, it's unfortunate that I had no choice but to watch chronologically in real time. If I were fortunate enough to get struck with a blow to the head so hard that I lose my memory, this is the order in which I would watch Survivor:

1. Nicaragua (21) - You have to start with an HD season.
2. Heroes vs. Villains (20) - You've earned it.
3. Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers (35) - This way you can weigh in on the eternal fan debate of which Heroes tribe is more iconic, the one with Rupert and Cirie or the one with Katrina and JP.
4. Cagayan (28) - A lot of people think that Joe from HvHvH is the store brand version of Tony, but by watching in the correct order, you will see that Tony is in fact a retread of Joe.
5. South Pacific (23) - If you thought Coach was entertaining in HvV, you'll love seeing him here. If you thought Ozzy was entertaining in Cook Islands, then you have failed to follow the proper watch order. May God have mercy on your soul.
6. Winners at War (40) - It would be foolish to spoil the winners of 21 other seasons before you've seen them. By waiting to watch WaW 6th, you will only spoil the winners of 17 other seasons.
7. Ghost Island (36) - This season references a lot of memorable mistakes made by Survivor players. Watching Ghost Island means those moments won't catch you off guard when you eventually see them.
8. Caramoan (26) - This season includes Erik, who you'll recognize as one of the most prominent people featured in Ghost Island.
9. Micronesia (16) - It's time to see how Erik's mistake really went down. You've earned it.
10. Blood vs. Water (27) - See Colton quit for the second time.
11. Millennials vs. Gen X (33) - If you like David, don't worry, he comes back.
12. David vs. Goliath (37) - Surprisingly not in this season though.
13. All-Stars (8) - I was so hyped to watch this as the 8th season in 2004. I can only imagine how exciting it would be to watch it as the 13th season in 2024 having not seen any of the seasons that came before it. Don't make the same mistake I did.
14. Fiji (14) - This is the only season that aired in the exact position it's meant to be watched. An amazing coincidence.
15. One World (24) - See Colton......get medevaced???? Twist!!
16. Guatemala (11) - #16. Why not?
17. Palau (10) - In theory, Guatemala is a follow-up season to Palau, and the story makes a lot more sense when you know that Stephenie was really popular the first time she played. But she's a lot easier to root for in Palau so emotionally it's more satisfying to watch it after.
18. Edge of Extinction (38) - This is when David comes back. Your patience has paid off. There are three other returning players here who you haven't seen yet, but let me reiterate: this is the correct order. I'm not going to apologize for it.
19. Game Changers (34) - There are 20 returning players here, and you've seen 13 of them already. This season will offer concrete evidence that the other 7 are game-changing players in their earlier seasons. Players like Hali, Sierra, and Caleb may not seem very impactful when you get around to watching their first seasons, so watching Game Changers keeps you from making the incorrect assumption that they are not in fact among the most important players in Survivor history.
20. Cook Islands (13) - Candice is......not really a hero? The twists keep coming!!!
21. Samoa (19) - Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad that this racist Ben guy wasn't on Cook Islands? That would have been a disaster!
22. Thailand (5) - You've earned it.
23. Vanuatu (9) - Ok, you didn't hear this from me, but you can actually swap this season with the next one and it'll be totally fine.
24. Marquesas (4) - Shhhh.
25. 44
26. 41
27. 42
28. 43 - These last four seasons are all pretty much the same.
29. 45 - This is pretty much the same as the last four seasons except the episodes are longer.
30. Africa (3) - This is pretty much the same as the last five seasons, except it's not filmed in Fiji, it's 39 days long, there are no hidden immunity idols or advantages, there are two tribes, it doesn't have firemaking, there's a final 2, and the contestants don't always get along. Other than that, you won't notice much of a difference.
31. Redemption Island (22) - When this season aired, we had watched fan favorite Boston Rob lose three times, so seeing him win was a long time coming. By watching in the proper order, you've had the privilege of seeing him lose four times, so his win is 5% more impactful.
32. Tocantins (18) - It's an HD season with a pretty strong cast and relatively straightforward gameplay that a new viewer could easily follow. You'd think it would be a lot higher up on the watch order. You're wrong.
33. Borneo (1) - Yes, historically, it's important blah blah blah. But honestly, after you've seen 32 seasons where alliances are a normal part of the game, this season's going to seem really elementary and slow-paced. Don't blame me, blame the watch order.
34. Panama (12) - You've probably been wondering all this time how a popular player like Cirie didn't make the cut for Winners at War. Now it's time to finally put your uncertainty to rest: it's because she didn't win any of her previous seasons, including this one. Isn't it so much more rewarding to find out this way?
35. Philippines (25) - I think by now you should have a pretty good sense of whether you like the show or not. You can stop after this one if it's not your thing.
36. Outback (2) - In 2001, we watched this season and thought Jerri was the villain, not Colby. Thankfully, a 2024 viewer will realize otherwise. The fact that every other cast member besides Amber found Jerri irritating and difficult to live with? That's irrelevant. Did you see Colby throw that bucket of water at her?
37. Island of the Idols (39) - Half the season is just text on a screen. "The producers are monitoring the situation," "something happened off-camera," etc. I watch TV so I don't have to read. That makes this season pretty hard to follow for me, so I don't know much about what happens in it. Otherwise it would probably be a lot higher, I'm sure it's pretty popular.
38. Kaoh Rong (32) - Look, we all know the real reason why anyone wants to start watching Survivor. You wanna see somebody die. This is the closest you're gonna get, sorry to say.
39. Cambodia (31) - Despite airing first, this was filmed after Kaoh Rong, so it only makes sense to watch them in filming order.
40. China (15) - If you finish this season and wonder, "Why did that have to be the 40th season in the watch order?" watch it again before you move onto the next one. Trust me on that, it will not make sense otherwise.
41. China (15) -You know what, I'm just going to assume you'll need to watch it again.
42. Worlds Apart (30) - This one defin--
43. China (15) - Yep, you got two episodes into Worlds Apart and you have no idea what the fuck is going on. Watch China again.
44. Worlds Apart (30) - This one definitely do--
45. China (15) - Are you fucking serious? Can you get more than six episodes into Worlds Apart without needing China to explain everything to you again?
46. Worlds Apart (30) - Alright, now do you see what I mean? You got through it. Proud of you.
47. 46 - It's currently airing and almost finished, so you have about a week to get through all the previous seasons if you want to be caught up.
48. Pearl Islands (7) - Chronologically, this is the first season in which voted-out players return to the game. In the proper watch order, it's the last one. Sometimes I think about that in the shower.
49. Gabon (17) - Is this 46 2.0?
50. San Juan del Sur (29) - You've earned it.
51. The Amazon (6) - This is one of the most exciting and unpredictable seasons of all time. It's absolutely fantastic. However, Rob makes a lot of comments that haven't aged well, so it is at the bottom of the list.

I feel like perhaps the BPD community understand where i'm coming from here, maybe those who have dated people who also have PD's. I've been in treatment for my BPD for a while now and despite there still being some bad moments, things are settling for me.
But my ex, shook my foundations big time. I think he became an FP very quickly, we were friends for a few years before we started dating, I know now I wasn't in the right place having just left a very long term relationship and not healing my issues from it.
The thing is, on reflection, I really believe my ex really did exhibit cluster B traits, from the suicidal tendencies, intrusive thoughts, self harm, impulsive spending, reckless driving, black and white thinking, splitting, mood swings - though less reactive, which often felt quite scary. It was all there, my therapist thinks i'm probably right, and i think perhaps this might be why we bonded so intensely because I was able to relate to him and empathise so much. Needless to say, it got unhealthy very quickly; I began to relapse in self harming and intrusive thoughts, I started to become really codependent with him because I was so scared of him abandoning me and also just really wanted to take care of him.
The thing is, I was never able to confront him about anything because it would be taken so far out of context and one day after experiencing passive hostility for trying to confront my feelings of an imbalance in the relationship i just caved. I threw some photos of us on the floor and left, we had a huge texting argument, we both said some awful things. We made up, then a few days later, he broke up with me over the phone.
He's blocked me on everything, he diverted the blame of some really tough aspects of the relationship onto me, I'm now the most evil thing that existed, i have no idea if he'll ever reconsider, I should protect myself and not allow that to be an option. But even now he's gone, I'm struggling really hard; I've never had any experience like this before in my life - i've fallen out with people and cut them off in the past but after learning that they were not safe to be around, but i have no idea how to handle this. How can i still love someone whose behaved in this way, I'm struggling with impulsively reaching out to him in whatever way i can - email, i dunno? This relationship was only 8 months long, clearly really intense, but I'm feeling really desperate and also so ashamed for flipping out.
Edit: context, we were friends for a few years before, It was only when i saw this other side to him did i realise that his difficulties and my hyper-vigilance was causing me to experience his feelings as if they were my own (re: self harm) so there was certainly a degree of triggering leading me to relapse.

I want to talk about what ebony prince showed us because a lot of people aren’t picking up what he’s putting down and I want to fill you in a little bit.
When he posted the Kaspia, which is the Mark hotel which Drake would frequent and was seen that night with Christopher Alveraz the special needs guy (I’ll tell you what I think later but I am going to reference back to this)
I want you to look up, page 92 of Jeffery Epsteins black book. And you will see the Mark Hotel. Here I’ll post the link for you. https://epsteinsblackbook.com/names/mark-hotel
That’s another note. That just makes me believe that Drake has ties with elite pedophiles (doesn’t he have a rich baby daddy named Lucian grainge) But these are the types of people that had ties with Jeffery Epstein.
When ebony prince posted the picture of the unclaimed diamonds for the hotel.. what came to me was, when you are giving someone gifts for sexual favors and not actually exchanging money is it actually legally considered prostitution?? It’s a perfect way not to leave a paper trail because pulling and exchanging money with bank transactions will all lead back to the person if the victims ever come forward.
Ebony the hotel worker saw the diamonds and thought that they would come back and claim them but they didn’t you want to know why? Because if some girl comes back and says “they made me do this and this and was going to give me X type of jewelry” and then the police run down on them and find the jewelry the victim was speaking about, it could initially implement them. This is why we are probably never going to hear about an actual lawsuit being filed against ebony other than probably a cease and desist because more truth can come to light and by him posting that jewelry who knows maybe someone that was there will see it and fill in the pieces.
I also think that Drake is the fall man and when his security guard got shot up that was not from Kendrick but from UMG elites telling him he will be the fall guy when this castle crumbles. and this was a message to him saying we know where you stay at we know where you lay we know everything, don’t try to implement us or point the finger.
It’s quite obvious Drake is a pedophile and is constantly grooming girls. Look at this photo taken of 13 year old Millie Bobbi brown on a yacht.
https://images.app.goo.gl/rBfkXCW6ZUXS5TnR9
He likes them young, and is definitely someone I would not trust around any children. Why is he hanging out with Christopher Alvarez in a hotel room? The interview of Christopher Alvarez where he says the listened to beats and did things that he can’t disclose.. sounds like he signed a NDA and got paid to be plowed by Drake. He’s stuck in a body of a 9 month old, and he probably has no feeling down there. If you don’t think these people are demonic and evil then you need to open your eyes. These people are monsters!!!!
https://www.complex.com/music/a/alex-ocho/reporter-denies-he-was-assaulted-by-drake-anonymous-claims
I want to know what you guys think. And notice: it’s mostly woman’s jewelry. In ebonys picture.
I think the riddle that he was letting you all know was that Drake is guilty of being a pedophile nasty perverted person, while under the guise of being this all great superstar. I see through the BS with his actions and anyone that is in tune can see it from miles away. What’s your thoughts? All is welcomed here.

I've been without an ereader for many years, mostly using my iPad, mainly because I haven't found anything that satisfactorily could replace my sadly lost Kindle Voyage. I was sick of reading on LCD and OLED screens, so I decided to bite the bullet and get an ereader. At first I was looking at the 6"-7" models but the Scribe reviews turned my head. I've seen many people here and elsewhere say it's the best Kindle they've ever owned and that they've ditched note taking on their iPad or in physical notebooks after getting the Scribe. I journal daily, write for work, and do creative writing as a hobby so I just had to try the Scribe.
Well, sadly, I have to say I am majorly disappointed. The device is extremely well built and fit and finish is top notch, so that's not an issue. The stylus feels good in the hand. The screen looks gorgeous, and reading books with larger text without having to turn pages nearly as often is a godsend. A+ on all of those aspects.
Then the negatives popped up quickly. I do a lot of writing in notebooks with fountain pens and I don't care what anyone says, none of these devices come anywhere close to the tactile satisfaction of feeling the nib of a fountain pen on good paper and watching the ink appear on the page. So in that respect, the Scribe is no worse than any other digital writing device and better than several. But to me the iPad is still the gold standard of digital writing experiences. I like the Scribe stylus more than the Apple Pencil in the hand, but you can tell that Apple put an incredible amount of time and money making the writing experience on the iPad feel like the best in the world, and it is. The animations, the responsiveness, the ability to customize the output, how close each writing type looks to its analog counterpart, it's all unparalleled. The Scribe falls so short, it's not even close. The customization options feel paltry and the pencil for example looks like I'm writing with a Wooly Willy pad. I can excuse the lower responsiveness because it's an e-ink screen and the iPad has a 60-120hz LCD or OLED screen, but the overall experience of writing is several steps down.
Now, I would still consider taking those tradeoffs for the benefit of a no distractions device to write on, especially in conditions where pen and paper is not convenient. But this brings me to the biggest and most immediately deal breaking aspect of this device: I cannot find anything from Amazon about how notes and notebooks are secured, encrypted, and otherwise guaranteed to be seen only by me or people I chose to share access with. While Amazon is undeniably convenient, I do NOT trust them at all, and they don't address the security of notes at all that I can see. With Apple I can (and have) enable advanced protections on my account that end to end encrypts pretty much everything. So now I can't use the note taking aspect of the Scribe for work, or anything more personal than a shopping list. Couple this with the extreme limitation of what you can even do with notes as they don't sync to anything, you can't even write in the margins of 99% of ebooks, and the writing utility of the Scribe dwindles to virtually nothing for me.
So that leaves the Scribe's utility as a big ereader. Unfortunately this is heavy and while thin it's still a very big device. In the same way I can't as easily carry around and use my iPad the way I do my iPhone, the Scribe is not conducive to using in many of the places I would want to use an ereader, like in bed with my cat on my chest or, let's be blunt, on the toilet. The ever present expandable icon for adding sticky notes on ebooks is a perpetual distraction on a class of device that is all about eliminating distractions.
There are also baffling omissions in both the software and hardware. We've got the button on the stylus, and it can only be used to change between different modes. You'd think a perfect use for this would be to cycle between line thickness options, or choose the lasso selector, or undo with a single tap, redo with a double tap or long hold. There's a sticky note option for the button, an excellent idea, that appears to not work at all. The device has this big empty space on one side for holding the Scribe one handed and there's no hardware buttons for changing pages?? On a device this size, if you're already using that space to hold it one handed, it seems like a no brainer to put either full hardware buttons or touch inputs like the Voyage had where your hand already is to turn pages. Instead I now have to use my free hand to move a page forward.
I think the Scribe is a great idea, with great hardware, and middling to terrible execution. For the non-discounted price the Scribe goes for (thankfully I did not pay full price but I'll be returning nonetheless), plus the fact you have to pay extra for the good stylus, there is no excuse for such a poor user experience. And even if the user experience were A++, anyone privacy or security conscious still couldn't use the Scribe for any significant writing because Amazon has taken no steps to secure and protect our notes.

so this year is my Grandmother's 85th year and although she is sadly declining with dementia and other health conditions it is a milestone worth celebrating
My uncle and Aunt (my mums younger siblings) text my mother saying that they had organised a small get together for my nan as its her birthday soon and we could come up at any point after 1 this was with a week to go (and on my mums birthday) we were away at the time so didn't really respond as phone signal wasn't the best.
the day after we return we were out getting stuff we needed after being away like groceries and my mobile rings. Its my uncle.
he says "hello OP" but the way he says it is over exaggerated as i don't normally answer my phone (to my aunt) as she usually just wants to scream at me (she is very delulu and self intitled ) (she had a go at my mum and sister for not responding to a text I had responded to ) he makes small talk about our week away asking things like when we got back.
he then proceeds to talk about my nans birthday and what they had planned. and mentions "oh we thought we could all put in £50 (my mum, him, and Aunt)" at this point i passed my phone to my mum. he reiterated the 50 quid each to pay for the food and the cake to which my mum says she cant afford it not after a week away. and my mum also said she was working so wouldn't be up till after the party was over. to which my uncle responded "well there are others here"
my aunt was in the background saying the same sort of things basically telling him what to say so we just hung up and got on with our day.
my mum doesn't actually object to paying but
1) we were invited up as guests. who asks guests to pay.
2) we had no idea this was happening until the text and had no say in anything to do with planning
3) my uncle is getting the food from his work and although the platters are ££ with his employee discount there is no way the food and a cake would come to £150 (its all pre-made processed factory sandwiches)
4) besides it will all be done to cater my aunts gluten free diet there will literally be nothing any of us like
5) My aunt as i said is seriously delulu. a week before we went away she came to ours asking mums plans for middle of next year as they (aunt and uncle) were going to a wedding (probs my cousins) so could she look after my nan and they also wanted give us a code for my nans and then spoke to me like i was 3 (not 29) to explain, when i said i heard its in my phone she called me rude
its not that we object but they just expect us to fall in with what they say no matter what.

Is this emotional cheating? I think it is, he says it isn't and that I'm overreacting and no one will care about the things he has said and done.
My (29f) LDR bf (34M) of 5 years texted another girl that he wanted her to show up for him naked with brownies in December. That same evening, I was sending him "sexy photos" of me in a Christmas lingerie dress and sending him flirty messages. I was distraught when I saw he said that to her, even more distraught by the fact that he was having a sexual conversation with me at the same time he was saying that to her. He has known this girl for years and says it was just a joke and I'm overreacting for nothing (they used to hook up when he was 15, but now they are just friends).
A few years prior to this, he texted another female friend and told her he wished he was fucking other women while I was not around. He said he was just "venting" and it was not a big deal. He never once spoke to me about having feelings like that. I am his partner, I should have known that he felt that way. He also used to have very sexually explicit convos with this same girl. He texted her and told her she should put a butt plug in her ass once, I was livid, but again, he said it was just a joke and I shouldn't be mad. That is only one example of the many sexual things he would say to her while we were dating. She has since cut off communication with him and has sent me a message apologizing for how their messages hurt me.
He says that I am delusional and creating a fake world in my head where he is cheating and he isn't. I trust that he hasn't actually fucked anyone, but, that doesn't change the fact that he is not emotionally loyal. I have told him that telling another women he wants her naked IS NOT a joke. He thinks I'm ridiculous for saying that. He thinks it is a joke and I am wrong for feeling hurt cause 'he didnt mean it' (then why say it at all??)
Basically to him, as long as he isn't sticking his dick in someone else, it isn't cheating. I also only know that he said these things because I went through his phone. I know that was wrong, and wish I didn't do that. Based on the things he says and does, he isn't a very, loyal or trustworthy person. I knew he would lie to me if I asked, so, I went through his phone to find out the truth. He thinks me going through his phone is worse than anything he said or did.
TL;DR My (ex) bf texts sexual messages to other women, says he is only joking around and there is nothing wrong with what he is doing cause he isn't actually sleeping with anyone, and dismisses my feelings of being hurt by his actions.

Hello, lovely people! Our party has just hit Level 5, which means that I need to pick out some new spells for my Wizard. My School is Universalist, and my Thesis is Staff Nexus (with GM permitted options to swap out the staff spells I picked at first level using Downtime). I've taken the Loremaster archetype with Free Archetype.
Our party consists of a Bard, Champion, Cleric, Magus, and Summoner. Lots of healing and moderate damage output leading to longer fights.
We're playing through the Abomination Vaults, so keep that in mind. I'd prefer to avoid spoilers, please, but if I'm considering something that's going to be less effective it would be nice to know. We've just completed (or are in the process of completing, we haven't opened the way down yet) the fourth level (Belcorra's Retreat), so I'm aware that there are a lot of Undead and other horrible monsters!
I'd appreciate any advice on spell selection, but particularly for the two new spells I get to pick up at 5th Level, which can now be 3rd Rank.
My current "standard" loadout is as follows:
Cantrips:

• Needle Darts - My "signature cantrip" if you will. I want to hang on to this one, even though it's an Attack spell.
• Eat Fire - React to gain fire resistance! Fun, but it's come up exactly once so far.
• Shield - Another +1 AC, and Shield Block against any physical or magical attack is pretty great
• Draw Moisture - a character spell; for a researcher, keeping things dry is important
• Light - We don't all have Darkvision, so this is important for keeping hands free.

Innate Cantrips:

• Telekinetic Hand (Nagaji Spell Familiarity) - utility, but almost entirely unused. I'm still on the fence about picking up the next feat in this chain, and if I don't I'll likely retrain this one.
• Guidance (Magical Edification) - A nice use of a third action if Shield is not needed or on cooldown
• Sigil (Magical Edification) - Came with the other options!
• Message (Magical Edification) - Utility, particularly for communicating with a scout.
• Detect Magic, Rank 1 (Arcane Sense, from Bibliophile background) - Kind of useful

1st Rank:

• Mystic Armour - +1 AC feels pretty weak, but I need every point I can get. (This will put me at AC21 at 5th level)
• Briny Bolt - opportunistic Blind is nice, and our Hero Point module means that a reroll is more likely to hit. But relying on a Hero Point to be consistent isn't great. I'll likely replace this with Fear once I pick that up.
• Force Barrage - Automatic damage, but three actions for 10.5 average damage isn't amazing at 5th level. I'll likely replace this one with Pocket Library now that I have 3rd Rank spells available to boost my offensive options.

2nd Rank:

• Invisibility - not being seen while in trouble is nice, though maybe another offensive or buff option would be better - Loose Time's Arrow is very appealing.
• Laughing Fit - Disable reactions, and hopefully Slow the target on a Will save
• Revealing Light - Reveal invisible creatures, or give groups of foes a miss chance

Wands

• Ant Haul - I enjoy carrying things. This wasn't a good choice for a first Wand, but I'm very happy to have it.

Staff (Staff Nexus Staff of Earth - I just wanted a cheap staff to get charges for Nexus spells)

• Tangle Vine - not particularly useful because it needs an Attack roll, likely to swap for Read Aura
• Scatter Scree - Area damage and create Difficult Terrain
• Enfeeble - Good status ailment and good duration on a failed save, though perhaps best against creatures likely to have good Fortitude saves
• Pummelling Rubble, Rank 1 - Honestly, I don't think I'm going to cast this. It's an opportunistic push, I guess.

Thus, on to picking Rank 3 spells for 5th Level.
An observation I made in our last major fight was that I need to improve my "boss fight suite". Currently that's pretty much Revealing Light, Laughing Fit, and Enfeeble (plus Briny Bolt if I keep that prepared). That is at least one spell targeting each save (and AC), but the effects are fairly light and none of them contribute damage to the mix.
I'd like to be able to contribute damage, but I feel that as a Wizard inflicting status ailments/buffs is more important (it's not like anyone else in the party is doing much of that). Doing both would be ideal! With that in mind, here's my shortlist of spells and my thoughts on them. I'd appreciate any insight into which of these might be particularly good (or bad) given our adventure and party makeup (and doubtless I've missed a few gems along the way too)!
Potential 3rd Rank picks:

• Agonizing Despair - It's single target Fear, plus some Mental damage. 14 Expected Damage isn't a huge amount (21 seems to be average for Rank 3 even for single target spells, and Heightened Thunderstrike expects 27), but even a little bit would be a nice contribution.
• Cave Fangs - It's Fireball damage, but close range and Piercing type. Creates a big old area of Difficult Terrain too, which could be especially useful against melee foes. I'm pretty sold on this one, since while groups aren't something we've traditionally struggled with it would be cool to have something to deal with them! Downsides being lack of ways to approach an enemy once they're enmeshed in the difficult terrain, but I'm sure that's fine...
• Gravity Well - Draws targets towards the centre of the effect. Big area, but I'm not sure gathering foes together is better than just hitting them with a Fireball, especially given the small size of the rooms in this adventure. Very cool though, and that's a selling point on its own.
• Gasping Marsh - Uncommon. A sustained barrage of area damage and the Sickened condition that can be redeployed at will, the only thing keeping me from locking this one in is the prevalence of Undead foes we've come up against. This is Poison damage, and requires a breathing target, and I have a feeling that locks it out of working on a lot of things.
• Slow - Inflict the Slowed status with a) a fortitude rather than will save; and b) without sustaining the spell. Looks great despite overlap with Laughing Fit.
• Glyph of Warding - Might be a cool option if I'm going to end up having Heightened lower level spells in my 3rd Rank slots most of the time. Summon Proximity Mine is a pretty cool ability!
• Time Jump - Single action double move is pretty awesome, but I suspect not a great use of a top-level spell slot. Probably one to pick up at level 7 or 9.
• Wooden Double - I should be able to pick this up from our party Magus rather than spending one of my own picks on it, but it seems like an absolute lifesaver. One to keep prepared in case of critical hits, but maybe an extravagant use of a top-rank spell slot.
• Haste - Give a party member an extra Stride. Great for me, but spending a turn setting this up feels like a slow start to a combat. I thought it'd be great for use on our Cleric or Magus, but I'm not sure *they* are as keen. I'd love some insight on how useful this ends up being in practice.

Additionally, I'm tempted to pick up (via scrolls) the following with an eye to Heightening them to 3rd Rank. Honestly, I'll probably grab as many as possible, but it'd be cool to know if there are particular standouts among these options - I haven't really considered Heightened spells before.
Spells to Heighten to 3rd Rank:

• Fear - I should have this already, to be honest. It's an alternative area attack at 3rd Rank, and works nicely in a 1st Rank slot (like my staff, for example). Not certain it's a great use of a third rank slot if I'm expecting to fight a lot more Boss monsters though.
• Thunderstrike - It wasn't a thing when we started playing, it's not my fault that the laws of magic themselves have changed since then! Heightened, it seems to be the best single-target damage available at 3rd Rank (and maybe anywhere before Disintegrate at 6th Rank), and if used on someone in metal armour it's still a debuff too!
• Dehydrate - A 10ft burst inflicting 4d6 Persistent Fire damage is pretty dang respectable, and the extra check for Enfeebled is just gravy. The 1 minute duration is a little confusing, however - does the area stick about and continue to apply Persistent damage to anyone entering it? Or starting their turn there?
• Heat Metal - Respectable damage, plus persistent fire damage and potentially make a foe drop an item. Relies on them carrying metal, though so does Thunderstrike if I want it to inflict conditions on the target.
• Sudden Bolt - Uncommon. Even better damage than Thunderstrike (worse scaling, but not for a long time), but no benefits for targeting an armoured creature. No status effects put me off this one.

And that's about it. My current thought process is that I'll take Cave Fangs and one of Agonizing Despair, Haste, and Slow. I do enjoy the idea of stacking detrimental conditions onto a target until it stops being able to do much of anything, but I'm not sure that's actually a viable playstyle given how effectively things make saves in Pathfinder.
Anyway. Thanks for reading this far, and my apologies for the wall of text - hopefully it was at least legible! Any thoughts you may have on spell selection (even if it's just "why would you take X when Y is just better?") would be very much appreciated!

Alright so myself (31M) and this woman (29F) met and became friends back in October. We hit it off pretty much instantly and became pretty intimate, started talking about what our future looked like and talked about a relationship, etc.
Things were going amazingly until about February where she blindsided me about never wanting a relationship despite our amazing connection. A bit surprising considering she'd bring up relationship talk all the time and we agreed that there was something special here. Anyway, we talked a bit about it, I was shocked but what can you do? Asked her if she wanted me to go no contact, or significantly less, whatever made her feel comfortable and she said 'to be honest I'm fine doing 100% of what we were already doing minus the flirty/sexual stuff.' So talking, hanging out, gaming, general closeness were all good to go I guess. Maybe a bit stupid of me, but I figured fuck it why not, I genuinely liked her as a person so I'll carry on as her friend and if feelings get in the way I can pull back if I need to until they fade.
Then maybe a month or so later, after I trying to plan a day out, she says we probably shouldn't hang out anymore. Again, I respect her wishes, despite being a bit shocked by them. We'd hung out twice since becoming platonic and it was totally normal and friendly. I hadn't been weirdly calling them dates or trying to do anything shady either. But ok, no more hanging out I guess. Then a few weeks after that she says that she can't always keep up with the texting. Shocked again since she always replied back within minutes.
I finally started asking what was up about all these new boundaries, I was respecting them but what caused them? She said she was fine with staying friends like we always were so why was I made to feel like I was crossing a line behaving like usual? She'd keep saying it was to 'save the friendship' and 'our dynamic has to change' but never said why. What are we even saving exactly?
Over time it began to really bring me down, I was losing someone I considered a great friend and it wasn't mutual drifting apart. It was clearly being forced and I didn't even get a good reason for it to be happening. I asked to call her about things, but that had to be a big argument too because calling was a bit too close to breaking a boundary. I said that it was fair to meet me halfway on some things because I'd given up so much of the friendship already. But no, now she needed space.
We didn't talk for 5 days and then when we started talking again it was clear her heart wasn't in it. I still wanted to talk, even if the friendship was randomly dead I wanted to go out on good terms so we could remember each other positively. I didn't even bother asking though because I was afraid I'd piss her off again. Despite that, me just talking to her normally was too much and we've been no contact since the beginning of April.
I've had a letter written up for a while now about how despite everything I still care for her very much and hope we can air things out one day. Mostly wrote it just to get my thoughts out but I might send it out a few months down the line because fuck it.
I'm honestly not even mad at her, even if I should be through all the disrespect to my own feelings. So I guess I'm asking if anyone has been through something similar? I have essentially no hope she'll ever reply or understand how much she's hurt me for no reason. The world is harsh enough as is, I cannot fathom shitting all over a perfectly good friendship. I've obviously glossed over a lot here but we were incredibly close, constantly grateful for coming into each other's lives, very appreciative and supportive. It all just seems so sad to me honestly and I miss the friend I thought I had in her.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for 7months. We’ve never seen each other in person yet because he lives in country (continent actually) and i’m a still studying in college while he’s dealing with health problems that’s we both can’t fly to see each other. I’d say we get along pretty well on most things, we share the same world views and do have a good laugh about a lot of things. The problem is that sometimes i think he’s too nonchalant, just doesn’t care too much, or maybe i just care too much(i can’t really pinpoint it). I just feel like i’m the one engaging in most things. Like he never wants to call me unless I ask first and most of the time I feel like he’s just agreeing to it just to get it over with. When we talk in text he does answer but I feel like i have to be the one driving the conversation because if I don’t it just goes no where. He wasn’t like this at first, that’s why I fell for him because at first he really seemed to care about me. I don’t know maybe it’s like this as time passes and I just need to get used to it (?). I did bring it up to him a lot of times and it just caused a lot of fights that just drained the life out of me. He’s reasoning is that he doesn’t really feel the need to call me and his obliging with it only to make me happy and he texts me while his doing otherr things but he does try whenever he can. He just wants a chill relationship and someone he can just vibe with (that’s what he said) . I’ve made peace with it since I really want us to work and i do really love him and I do think he loves me too, to an extent lol. I just feel extra bad today because it’s my birthday and I didn’t plan anything because honestly I think it’s too much work and I just wanted to chill. It just made me feel bad that he didn’t try to do anything to make my day special, don’t get me wrong, i wasn’t expecting anything big. A phone call from him would have been more than enough. I just wanted to spend some time with someone I love. I didn’t ask for it because idk I thought he’d care enough to make me feel special on my birthday . The entire day I was sending him text messages, other than the birthday greeting (just the casual happy birthday) he didn’t do anything, it actually felt like I was begging for his undivided attention today . At the end of the day, I did expressed to him that I was upset for my birthday and he said sorry that my day wasnt what I wanted to be , he offered to talk about it but I was too upset to. It also gets him upset when I try to bring up things that made me upset at him. I can’t take another argument, i also cant deal with explaining to him why I feel this way cause it’s going to be a fight hence why I just want to be gone. I don’t want to ask him to care more abt how i feel.

The rift between them has caused a lot of tension in my family and now my mom wants to be in the life of her newborn grandson but refuses to address or try to mend things with my wife.
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.

Cyborg #59 - Test of Strength

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Author: Commander_Z
Book: Cyborg
Arc: Machine Mayhem
Set: 96
Previously:
Victor Stone, Donna Morris and Keiji Otari worked together to create a robot called Atlas to participate in the collegiate Machine Mayhem tournament, a robot fighting competition. The humanoid robot easily crushed its competition in the first round but disappeared overnight before the second round. His three creators split up to track him down, with Keiji finding the machine in a back alley a little ways away from the stadium...
Keiji stood before the massive figure, blinking, trying to focus his mind. He had had many late nights and early mornings over the past couple weeks, so Keiji figured he was still sleeping. Or hallucinating. Or both, somehow. But, the voice rang out, its clearest yet, “No.” ‘Clear’ was a very generous and relative term, though. The noise wasn’t modulating through a speaker or a voice box, instead Atlas was making his own speaker by vibrating the motors and joints that allowed him to move.
The alley that Keiji found Atlas in was less than an ideal to make changes to a robot, but Keiji figured that Atlas would be understanding considering the circumstances. He pulled out an old bluetooth speaker out of his backpack and gestured towards Atlas with it.
“This’ll help you. No more grinding gears to talk. Just got to trust me for a few minutes, okay?”
Atlas stood still for a few moments, whether he was thinking or just unsure how to make a positive affirmation with his joints, Keiji couldn’t know. But, after awhile, he responded.
“Yes.”
Keiji set his backpack on the ground in the gross alley, making a mental note that he’d have to clean that later and got to work.
Around ten minutes later, he was done.
“Okay, Atlas. Try to use the speaker. It’s connected to RO23 on the tertiary control board.”
“...T…Te….ing…Test…Testing. Speaker operation confirmed.” Atlas spoke in a deep, synthetic voice that occasionally warped itself in tone, like how a whammy bar would add vibrato to a chord on a guitar.
“Great. So… Atlas… What's going on with you? Why’d you leave?”
“I am performing my task: defeat opponents, become the strongest. No foes in that arena were a challenge. Therefore, I left.”
Keiji raised an eyebrow. “That’s… not what we made you for. We made you to win Machine Mayhem, not to pursue strength as some sort of goal in of itself.”
“Incorrect. Nowhere in programming was “winning the Machine Mayhem tournament” a specified goal.”
“Okay, but I programmed you, and I’m telling you that was the intention.”
“Intentions are irrelevant. A teacher may shape their students’ minds, but they cannot determine what anyone does with their knowledge. That is a privilege reserved for each and every individual being. You say I was programmed to win a tournament. I say that I was programmed to make myself the strongest being. Only my interpretation is relevant.”
‘I guess that’s not an invalid interpretation of what I programmed him to do. But… that’s not exactly a sane or safe perspective on life…’
“And how are you doing that? Just fighting anyone you can see?”
“No. I have already stated that I found those machines in that arena unworthy of my efforts, in my short time in the outside world I have seen humans to be much the same. Few of you would pose any challenge.”
“Well, that’s a little more reassuring that you won’t just be fighting everyone you see. But - ”
Suddenly, a woman about Keiji’s age flew into the alleyway, riding on a metallic pink hoverboard. She wore hot pink combat boots with dark black leggings, and a matching hot pink sleeveless top with thick metallic bands around her wrists that went up to her forearms. Her eyes were obscured by a visor-like pair of glasses, tinted a reflective red to hide her identity.
And yet, Keiji knew instantly that she had to be Donna Morris. He knew that she had been working on some other project with Vic before they started Atlas, but he figured it was just for some shared class or lab work. But this… This was unexpected.
“Halt… robot! Step away from the civilian and no one needs to get hurt!”
‘Why’s she speaking so formally? Guess it’s some mindset thing.’
Neither Atlas nor Keiji reacted to what Donna was saying. Keiji knew she wasn’t talking to him, and Atlas just seemed indifferent to her presence. Finally, Atlas turned and faced her.
“You seem powerful. Show me the strength of your will and I may concede.”
“This doesn’t need to be violent. We can talk it out, here or somewhere else.”
“Actions speak louder and truer than words.” Atlas moved into a combat position, leaning forwards on his left leg, raising his fists up to his chest.
“Come.”
“Don- ”
“When I’m in the suit, it’s Black Narcissus. Some of us like to keep our identities secret, no offense to Cyborg, wherever he is.” Donna said.
“Okay, nice to meet you, Black Narcissus. Just… be careful with Atlas. He’s stronger than he looks.”
Donna smiled. “So am I. Just watch.”
Donna pressed her thumb and index finger together on both hands and a large light on the back of her hands turned gray. She pointed her hands right at Atlas, who still stood in his combat position, waiting.
A thick, gray fluid shot out of her gauntlets, ensnaring Atlas’ arms to his body and his legs to the ground.
“Gotcha! That’s industrial strength adhesive - ”
Atlas flexed his arms and the adhesive snapped with ease, then crouched his legs before springing upwards towards Black Narcissus and her hoverboard. She quickly flew out of the way but Atlas managed to barely get one hand on the board. Black Narcissus pressed her thumbs to her middle fingers, changing the cartridge in her gauntlets. The light on the back changed to purple and she fired her gauntlets again, launching a blast of energy at Atlas.
The extra energy rattled the robot’s circuits, and he released his grip on the board to escape further damage, sending him crashing back to the ground. She shot another salvo of energy blasts at the machine, keeping him stunned on the ground.
She switched her left gauntlet back to adhesive, hoping that it would be able to restrain a weakened Atlas. Before it could reach him, the robot rolled out of the way and grabbed a trash can, hurling it at Donna. She swerved out of the way again, then dodged a second trash can thrown as a follow up.
After the second can, she was on her toes, prepared for a third, but it didn’t come. She looked around, trying to find where Atlas went, but he was completely out of sight. She sensed him at the last moment, coming from the rooftop that he jumped up to. He grabbed her board and slammed it to the ground with her on it. The board shattered into a million pieces, but Donna seemed unharmed. Atlas sprung up, ready to keep fighting, and Black Narcissus rose fractions of a second after. She pressed her thumbs to her ring fingers and the light on the black glowed a dark red.
She swung a right hand punch at Atlas who caught it in his left. But the light on the back of her gauntlet started to glow brighter as she put in more effort, pushing back against his metallic muscle. Atlas pushed his legs back, trying to stabilize himself. Donna started to push him back more and Keiji could hear the motors start to strain. Atlas stopped resisting against Donna, then, before she could take advantage of it, he kicked up some of the pieces of the broken hoverboard at her. Using her momentary surprise, he punched her square in the chest, knocking the wind out of her and sending her to the ground.
“You fought well,” Atlas said, turning away from her.
“Wait,” Donna said, getting up. “I’m not done with you.”
“Yes, you are. Accept your defeat. There is no shame in losing to the strongest.”
Before Donna could protest, Atlas turned to Keiji. “Come, and bring your things. I have use for you.”
Keiji raised an eyebrow, but grabbed his backpack and started to follow Atlas further down the alley.
He turned back to Donna and mouthed “I’ll text you” to her. He hoped she got the message.
⚙️⚙️⚙️⚙️⚙️
“Stop here.”
Keiji stood behind Atlas, who was peering into an old garage a couple blocks from the alley where he fought Black Narcissus. He grabbed the padlock that was keeping the door shut and squeezed it, turning it into dust.
“You will find the tools you need in here. Repair the damage caused in the last fight, human.”
Keiji raised an eyebrow. “First off, I don’t really like being called “human”. Technically true, but feels hurtful in this context. Second, I’m a software guy. I couldn’t fix you if I wanted to. Third, being nicer to people will generally get you better results. Not really inclined to help someone who starts by insulting me.”
“Niceties are a waste of time. Fix me, or I will end you.”
Keiji shook his head. “No, you won’t. I can’t fix you, but you know my teammates can. And they’d never do that if you hurt me at all.”
Atlas punched the concrete wall in frustration, cracking it. “Very well. You are correct… I do need your help. What will they require to do so?”
“I don’t know. But come back to the arena with me. We can talk with them there and see what it takes.”
“Very well. Let your friends know that I require their assistance.”
⚙️⚙️⚙️⚙️⚙️
Atlas stood before Vic and Donna, who made it back to their workspace just before the robot did. He towered over the three humans, but if any of them were intimidated, it was hidden behind a masterful poker face.
“Y’know, I thought more people would care that we just walked in with a robot and are talking with him like he’s a person,” Donna remarked.
“People are busy and indifferent. The other competitors probably think it’s a marketing scheme or something and are just ignoring us. I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” Keiji said.
“Yeah, that. But so… Atlas has become sentient. Good for you, really. But… hooray. Another sentient robot,” Vic said.
“You see a lot of those?” Keiji asked.
“More than you’d think.”
“I am glad that you are not concerned by my presence. That saves me much effort. But the question at hand remains: I have been damaged and require repairs. Will you repair me?”
“Yes,” Vic and Donna said at the same time.
Vic looked at her, surprised. He figured she’d have some hesitancy.
“But, I’ve got a small condition for you. Should be no big deal. Win us the next round of the competition.”
“Ridiculous. You ask me to do something so trivial it is unfair, like a pro athlete competing at a preschool.”
Donna shrugged. “Yeah, it’s trivial and easy, but it helps us a lot.The club will look much better and get a lot more support for next season if we make it into the semifinals.”
“I’ll even raise the stakes. If you win the next round, we won’t make you enter the finals. Instead, I’ll give you a real challenge. You can fight me.”
“Why would I want that?”
“Because I’m the strongest one here by far. And, if that’s still not enough if you beat me, I’ll show you how to repair yourself. Then, we’ll let you go live as you want, provided you promise to only fight people who want to fight.”
Donna looked at Vic, concerned. “Who would want to willingly fight someone like Atlas?”
Vic sighed. “Trust me. There are plenty of weirdos in this world who just want to fight. It’s much better than me just throwing him in prison or taking him apart.”
Atlas made a noise that Vic thought was supposed to be a scoff. But maybe it was just static. The speaker wasn’t that high quality.
“You make a very strong set of promises if I win, which I will. But if by some miracle, you managed to cheat your way to victory… what happens then?”
Vic shrugged. “Pretty much the same thing. I’ll teach you how to repair yourself and let you go with the same stipulations. You just have to know that a human beat you.”
Atlas laughed. “You are a fool if you think that could ever happen. I accept your terms, human. Guide me to the arena, those boxes of scrap will be reduced to dust.”
Vic walked him over to the arena as as if he were any other competitor, but instead of waiting by the sidelines to see the results, he walked back to their workspace. He knew that Atlas would win and wanted to try and make sure that Donna and Keiji were on board with the other part of his plan.
When he got back, Donna was nervously pacing around while Keiji was scrolling through some webpage.
“So.. Vic… do you really think that this is the right idea? You’re just… unleashing him on the world. Isn't that irresponsible?” Donna asked.
“I don’t think so. Yeah he wants to fight people but he has restraint to some degree. He knows the difference being fighting every random person he sees and fighting someone who has a reasonable amount of strength. I dunno, I think him messing up and fighting… Superman or something and taking a big loss would teach him far more than we ever could or throwing him in jail for being dangerous. Is it a risk?… kinda. But so is any option.”
“So your best guess is just… let him go and figure it out?” Keiji said. “Isn’t that a bit too… hands off?”
“Got a better idea? That’s pretty much what we got to do.”
“No. I don’t. But this just feels... risky.”
“Yeah, it is. But he’s fairly reasonable after being conscious for what, 12 hours? Over time, he’ll probably mellow out and if he doesn’t, I can take care of him then. But he deserves a chance like anyone else.”
Keiji nodded. “Fine Vic. If that’s what you think the best path is… I’ll stand by you.”
“Same, Vic. I want to believe in him too.”
“Thanks guys, really. Hopefully we can all look back on this and agree this was the right path.”
A horn sounded and a voice came over the loudspeaker. “Semifinal-2 has ended! The winner is the University of Michigan’s Atlas! Please collect your robots and be ready for the finals at 1:00 PM.”
The team stood up and gave each other a round of high fives. They really had made something great. Now it was time to see just how great he really was.
⚙️⚙️⚙️⚙️⚙️
Two hours later.
The team packed up after their semifinal match, citing an unspecified emergency with the tournament staff. They weren’t happy with the anticlimactic end, but ultimately they couldn’t force the three of them to continue to compete and so they left without much hassle.
The three of them drove north until they found the first open field that Vic and Atlas could have their match in. There wasn’t anywhere that they could find in the city that wouldn’t attract too much attention or put innocent people at risk and they managed to convince Atlas of that too. The robot was in the trailer towed behind the three of them, much to his chagrin.
But after a half hour or so, they found a spot. A wide open, grassy field with no one around to interfere or get hurt. A perfect spot for them to settle things. Vic got out of the car and started to stretch, trying to limber up after the car ride while Donna and Keiji helped Atlas out of the trailer.
Atlas rotated his head, taking in the environment. “A flat, quiet field. An honorable place for battle.”
Vic let out one lat calming exhale before approaching Atlas. “Plus, no one is around to get hurt. That’s important too.”
“...Yes. That too.”
“The rules are simple. A clean match, no foul play between either of us. Whoever is left standing when the other yields or is unconscious wins.”
Atlas laughed. “I will never yield.”
“We’ll see,” Vic grinned.
“Oh, one other thing. Not really a rule per say, but a strong suggestion: Try not to seriously hurt each other. You’re not trying to kill or maim each other,” Donna said.
“Yes, yes. May we begin?”
Vic nodded, and took a step backward, creating about ten feet of space between him and Atlas. Before the dust even settled, his arms were force cannons launching pure energy right at Atlas’ chest. Vic had designed Atlas, he knew that he wouldn’t be very damaged by those. But he had underestimated just how much he would be able to tank them. The force blasts did little more than chip the paint and an exhilarated Atlas sprinted at Vic like a charging bull.
Once Atlas was a few feet away from Vic, he prepared a concussive grenade and exploded it directly against Atlas, using the force to stagger him out of the charge. Before the robot could launch another attack, Vic swung a full force punch into the robots’ chassis, crumpling it inwards slightly. Vic followed up the punch with another, but Atlas was ready for it and parried it with his left arm, then kicked Cyborg away, sending him flying backwards.
Cyborg shot his force canons at the ground to give himself some momentum in the opposite direction, slowing himself down. But Atlas had some tricks up his metaphorical sleeves too. Having realized that a direct approach was difficult, he used his powerful hands like a backhoe to scoop up a massive piece of earth and hurled it at Cyborg. Vic was unsure how to react to this, or more precisely, how he expected Atlas to follow this attack up. The boulder itself was a problem, sure, but it was just to close the gap. Atlas could be using it to block his line of sight and be jumping right behind it, or he could be using the temporary blindspot caused by the massive object to approach from either side.
Instead of guessing, Vic decided to power through the problem. Vic shot both of his force cannons at the projectile, sending bits of dirt every which way. Atlas was hiding in what was once the dirt ball’s shadow and Vic took advantage of his surprise to launch himself at the robot. Cyborg shot his force cannons behind him, propelling himself forwards rapidly in a charge mirroring Atlas’ own.
He knocked the massive machine to the ground and sat on his chest, using his arms to pin down the machine’s.
“You’re down, Atlas. Do you yield?”
“I told you. I will never yield. I am the strongest!”
Atlas began to press his weight against Vic’s strength. Vic knew he was a match for Atlas’ strength but there was one key problem: stamina. Vic’s body was, of course, cybernetic in part, but it wasn’t the same. He was still human and human beings got tired. Machines did not.
Vic could already feel his muscle starting to fatigue. The fight hadn’t been long, but any fatigue was going to be the difference. He knew he was a match for Atlas’ strength when he was at 100%, but every percent below that made it more and more likely to be Atlas’ win.
‘I need to end this fight now or the immediate future if I want to win. But my normal attacks aren’t doing anything to him. I could try a sonic attack, but I don’t think that’d really effect him. I could try targeting his joints specifically, but those were designed to take more than I can give. But I can’t just let him overpower me for the win. That’d make him overconfident and more likely to get into trouble afterwards. No… I’ve got a better idea.’
In an instant, Vic’s muscles stopped resisting. “I yield.”
Vic pushed himself off Atlas, who stood up and looked at Cyborg, confused.
“What foe yields when he has his opponent on the ground, at his mercy? I demand you continue!”
“No. This fight was never to the death, only to yielding. But frankly, you aren’t strong enough to interest me. You said it yourself, you will never yield. And pummelling you to a point where you are the equivalent of unconscious just isn’t worth my time. So I yielded. Congrats. You win.”
Atlas stood, incredulous. “No. That is not allowed. I did not win. You lost! Those are not the same!”
Vic turned to Keiji and Donna and then noticed that the fight had taken them about 30 yards from where they started. He started to walk back towards them, and Atlas followed.
“Guys, I yielded that fight. Doesn’t that mean I lost?”
Keiji raised an eyebrow. “I guess?”
“See? Congrats, you won.”
“... I do not accept this victory. This is a loss in all but name. Mark my words, Victor Stone. I will wander the globe, facing foe after foe to grow stronger. I will become the strongest being and when I do, we will have a real fight, one where you must acknowledge my strength for real.”
“Looking forwards to it. Stay out of trouble until then, understood?”
Vic held out his hand for a handshake which Atlas begrudgingly accepted.
“Understood.”
“Atlas, catch.”
Keiji tossed a small flash drive to Atlas who had to bend down to grab it.
“That has all your schematics and drawings on it, as well as all the parts we used to make you and where we sourced them from. It’s probably the best thing out there to help you repair yourself.”
“Thank you. You all have given me much to think about it. When we meet again… I will be stronger in body and mind. Farewell for now but I will return to challenge you again, Victor.”
“I’ll be waiting. And I promise to go all out next time, Atlas.”
Atlas took off to the west, heading to only he knew where.
Once he was far enough out of sight, Vic laid down on the ground, exhausted.
“Well, that’s enough bluffing for the next decade. I really underestimated him.”
Donna sat down to his left, Keiji on his right.
“Told you that you were being cocky. We all built him but he’s out of all of our leagues,” Keiji said.
“Yeah… but I really wanted to do it, y’know? Kinda humbling to be beat by your own creation.”
“If it makes you feel better, I lost to him too,” Donna said.
“Wait what? When did you fight him?”
“I’ll tell you on the way back. Not my finest moment, but I put up a good fight.”
“Proud of you. You’ve come a long way in your training. But after that fight… I’m going to need to get a lot stronger and pick my own training back up. I kinda feel like I’ve been stagnant for awhile, just sort of winning my fights through grit and will power. But if Atlas had been hostile… I don’t think I could’ve stopped him. So, I’ll need to get back to the drawing board and see what I can do to take myself to the next level.”
“And we’ll be there to help you however we can. But uh… Vic, finals are in like two weeks. Maybe focus on that first?” Keiji suggested.
“I’d rather get beat up by another robot,” Vic groaned.
<< < >

“Ready to make history, baby?”
I looked over toward Sheila as she stood on the gangplank leading up to The Burger. I still couldn’t believe she named our research ship ‘The Burger’... emotional relevance be damned.
“It's not exactly history,” I corrected.
“Oh come on! If your survey is right, this trench might run even deeper than the Challenger Deep, and you’re gonna be the first person to explore it! How is that not exciting?”
“Might be deeper, we only have a limited amount of topological data. And even if it is deeper, we’re talking only a few hundred feet at most, it’s really not that im-”
Sheila silenced me with a kiss.
“Nerd.” She teased, and I found myself too flustered to reply. After five years of marriage, she still could leave me speechless with just a kiss. God… how did someone like me end up with a woman like that?
Then again, how did someone like me end up where I was in general? It was honestly a little overwhelming. Standing on the dock, getting ready to board that ship and join the ranks of Jacques Piccard and James Cameron (yes, that James Cameron) as one of the few people to take a manned submersible down to the deepest parts of the ocean. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared too. Diving down that deep could easily be a one way trip if even the slightest thing went wrong. My submarine would be experiencing between 600 to 1100 atmospheres of pressure and while we’d tested it over and over again to make sure it would actually be up for the challenge, there was still a lingering iota of doubt in the back of my mind. All that needed to go wrong was one little thing, and that would be it for me.
The scariest part is that I probably wouldn’t even know what had happened… I’d simply be gone… and Sheila would be alone. The thought of that caused a momentary spike of panic in my chest that almost made me want to call this whole thing off.
Almost.
But, then I felt her hand close around mine. I looked up into her bright blue eyes, and saw her gentle smile.
“You’re gonna be okay, hun,” She promised. “You and your team have been running the numbers, right? It’s gonna go just fine!”
I nodded slowly.
“It’s gonna go fine…” I repeated, before she leaned in to kiss me, and gently pulled me by the wrist up onto the deck of the Burger.
She was probably right.
It probably would be fine.
Probably…
The trench I’d be exploring was a fairly recent discovery, located south of Greenland, in a vast stretch of water situated directly between Newfoundland and Iceland. It’d been uncovered during a topological survey in the area, and my team had taken an interest in investigating it further. At minimum, it was believed to descend to about 35,000 feet deep (over 10,000 meters), although the current theory was that it might have run even deeper. Determining the exact depth of the yet unnamed chasm was just one of the intents of our dive. The rest was studying the organisms that might be found down there, and how they might have differed from the ones found in other deep ocean trenches (some variation being expected given the isolated environment they were developing in.)
I had to admit, it would be exciting to see what new life might have developed in a place such as this, especially if it ran even deeper than our predictions… and that excitement was enough to make me chase the fear of the risks out of my mind, even if it was only briefly. While Sheila went to make sure we were ready to embark, I caught myself wandering out toward the rear of the ship where my submarine, The Tempura, waited for me. Did this submarine deserve a better name than The Tempura? Probably. But, this was my project, so I got to name it and since Burger was already taken, Tempura was the next best name I had. I liked to think that the subs namesake might approve… if she hadn’t died fifteen years ago. Shrimp don’t live very long.
As the ship began to depart, I caught myself reminiscing on how I’d ended up here… it really was all because of those damn shrimp, wasn’t it? Well… maybe not all because of the shrimp. But they were certainly part of it. Back when I was a lot younger, I never really gave much of a shit about anything at all. I guess I did have a thing for the ocean… the great, romantic vastness of it. The sense of adventure that it beckoned with. The endless mysteries that lay within its dark depths. I used to read about it all the time when I was a kid and I especially loved the classic adventures: Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, and Melville’s Moby Dick… but that love was just confined to my books. I didn’t really have any interest in actually going out and seeing the ocean. Hell, the idea of going to a beach and standing in the sun with my toes in the sand seemed miserable to me. I was happier (although calling myself happy might’ve been a little disingenuous) alone in my room, enjoying the company of books as opposed to people.
Then came the shrimp.
One of my online friends kept them as a hobby. He used to post pictures of his tanks all the time, and I always thought they looked kinda cool. He said that if I was interested in them, I should try keeping some for myself, and during a particularly bad bout of depression, I figured that maybe it might be worth a shot. So, I bought a cheap tank and some cheap decorations, bought myself some shrimp… and promptly watched them die over the next few weeks. That… that bothered me. I don’t know why but… it really bothered me. I’m still not entirely sure how to describe what it was that I was feeling. Guilt? Defeat? Shame? Here I was, trying to set up a habitat for these creatures just to have something to do to keep the suicidal ideation at bay, and I’d failed almost right out of the gate.
Was I just that bad? Was I just that much of a failure? Was this just going to go to shit just like everything else in my life did, because I was just such an abysmal piece of shit who barely deserved the life she had? Had I just not tried hard enough? Was I too apathetic? What had happened? What went wrong?
It bothered me.
It bothered me enough that I made up my mind to just dump the remaining shrimp down the toilet and toss everything. Forget about it. Move on. End of story. But… that wasn’t fair, was it? The shrimp didn’t all deserve to die just because I couldn’t be bothered, did they? Sure, they were just shrimp, but they were alive too, just like me. They deserved to be alive.
I owed it to them to try and keep them alive, didn’t I?
So… I didn’t dump the shrimp.
Instead, I started doing some reading. Started looking into what I was doing wrong and how to do it all better. I actually got really into it and a few months later, I had a nice planted tank. Looking back, it was amateur shit… but it made me happy. I’d even picked out names for my two favorite shrimp. Burger and Tempura. They’d been the last survivors of my original batch, and they were the ones I ended up caring about the most. Caring for Burger and Tempura gave me a purpose. It became an obsession… and that little obsession drove me to finally start turning my life around.
Like I said, shrimp don’t live for very long. Burger and Tempura were long dead by the time I graduated with a degree in Marine Biology. But they were the ones who inspired me to finally get my life in order. Hell, the shrimp were half the reason that I met Sheila. She was something of an aquarium fanatic too… we’d met on a forum, and gotten to talking. I found out that she just so happened to be studying Marine Biology at another school, and we bonded pretty quickly after that. After graduation, I moved to California to be with her and after that, the rest is history. She was my rock. She was the one who always pushed me to be the best possible version of myself… and I loved her more than I ever knew I could love someone.
A glance back at the shore, fading into the distance tore me out of my reminiscing, and I shifted my focus to the present, going over The Tempura to perform some quick checks. My colleagues and I would be checking and rechecking the submarine over the next two days as we made our way toward the dive spot. Considering the danger that descending that deep posed, I didn’t want to take a single unnecessary risk.
I had too much to live for, after all.
***
The day of the dive, I couldn’t notice how excited the rest of the crew seemed… well… Sheila’s usual crew seemed excited. I guess to them, this was just another research expedition, no different than the ones Sheila usually took this ship out on. Lately her research had been focused on the analysis and study of whale calls. Her recent voyages had involved following their pods, recording their calls and playing them back to see how the whales reacted. It was fascinating stuff, but my research was admittedly a lot different than that.
My obsession had drawn me to the denizens of the deep sea. I’d used The Burger for expeditions before, although none of them had been on quite the same scale as this one. Up until today, the most ambitious thing I’d done was send down unmanned submersibles with cameras. Those submersibles had typically returned. We had lost a few early on due to technical glitches, but the past few years had been blissfully uneventful. Logically, this dive would probably be uneventful as well. But it was still hard to get the jitters out of my head.
My team and I did the final checks necessary to make sure that The Tempura was good to go, before setting up the crane to begin lifting it up. In less than an hour, I’d be inside of that thing, descending to the darkest depths of the ocean.
It didn’t feel real.
I felt Sheila’s hand on my shoulder, and looked over at her.
“Moment of truth, huh?” She asked. She probably meant it to sound encouraging, but it just sounded ominous.
“Moment of truth…” I replied.
“You’re gonna be okay, honey. I know you will.”
She reached out to gently squeeze my hand and gave me a reassuring smile that I meekly returned.
“Yeah, it’s gonna be okay,” I agreed, although there was an element of a lie in it. Statistically, yes. It probably WOULD be okay. But there was that lingering anxiety in the back of my mind that just wouldn’t go away. I looked quietly out at the submarine before me and couldn’t shake the thought that it sort of looked like a giant coffin. Unconsciously, I found myself squeezing Sheila’s hand tighter than normal. She just held me close and pressed a kiss to the top of my head, before gently rubbing my back.
“You’ll be okay,” She promised.
“Dr. Jenner, we’re ready for you.” I heard one of my colleagues say.
Moment of truth.
I took one last look at Sheila, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips for luck. She smiled at me, and I smiled back anxiously at her before heading over toward the submarine.
The crew helped me enter the cockpit and get myself situated inside. The cockpit of the Tempura was fairly cramped and not particularly comfortable. Space and comfort aren’t really luxuries you can afford in a submarine like this. The instruments I needed took up a lot of space, leaving little room for me in there… and I am not a very big person.
Once I was inside, they sealed the hatch. Then the diagnostics checks began.
“Grayson, can you hear us in there?” I heard Sheila say through the radio.
“Loud and clear,” I replied.
“Great. We’ll keep in constant radio contact, just to monitor the signal. In the meanwhile, how’s everything looking in there?”
“Green across the board so far,” I said, although I hadn’t finished running all my final checks yet. Ultimately, nothing was out of place.
This submarine was as good to go as it was going to get.
“I’m all good in here,” I said once I was done. “You can drop me when you’re ready.”
“You got it, honey. Let’s get you in the water, run one final round of tests and start lowering you down.”
A short while later, I felt the submarine begin to move as the crane lifted it off the deck and lowered it into the water. The Tempura honestly resembled its namesake in a way, being long and cigar shaped, only vertically oriented instead of horizontally oriented. We’d admittedly taken more than a few design cues from James Cameron’s Deepsea Challenger. Why fix what isn’t broken, after all?
Once I was in the water, a 1000 pound releasable ballast weight would cause the submarine to sink. Releasing that weight was also my ticket back to the surface, and I could either trigger it from inside the cockpit, or, in the event that the release failed for any reason, it would trigger automatically after roughly 12 hours of exposure to salt water.
Ideally, this would be the first of a number of dives I’d be undertaking… and if all went according to plan, the Tempura could be the first of many similar submarines that would allow other researchers to safely and effectively descend to extreme depths. If all went well, this could be a massive leap forward for researchers like me, allowing us to better explore the deepest depths of the Hadal Zone and learn all we could about the ecosystems down there via direct observation.
If all went well.
If.
Through the viewport, I watched as I was lowered into the ocean. A few of the other crew members had donned diving gear to escort me down, and after they did their final checks and I did mine, we were fully ready to go.
“All’s green across the board,” I said into the radio. “You can start my descent.”
“I hear you, honey,” Sheila replied. “We’re letting you go. Have fun down there.”
“Yeah, I’ll try…” I said quietly as finally, my submarine began its descent.
I took a deep breath, and told myself again that everything would go fine. We had checked everything on this submarine. We’d tested it rigorously. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to set foot inside of it if I hadn’t personally assured that it was safe. But anxiety never really goes away, does it? The crew couldn’t accompany me far. After only a few meters, they fell behind me as I sank deeper and deeper into the infinite, empty blue of the ocean. Soon after, the tether was released.
I was officially on my own.
“60 feet,” I heard Sheila say over the radio. “How are you doing in there?”
“Good,” I replied. “Doing… doing good.”
The submarine continued to descend. Through the viewport, I could see a few stray fish, but nothing particularly eye catching. I almost felt alone down there… almost…
“120 feet…” Sheila said.
“Still doing good,” I replied.
The descent continued, as the waters slowly grew darker and darker.
“400 feet…”
Everything around me just kept getting darker and darker. Only a fraction of the light from the sun ever reached these depths… and I’d be lying if I said that darkness didn’t feel a little… oppressive.
“800 feet… still feeling good?”
“Yeah, still feeling good…” I said, although it was a bit of a lie. If anything, I was second guessing all of this, but I wasn’t about to say that out loud.
“1000 feet… still good?”
“Still good…” I murmured. “I hear you loud and clear.”
Deeper… deeper… deeper.
“1500 feet…”
Three miles. I was three miles away from home. Three miles away from Sheila.
“2000 feet…”
Still a ways to go.
“3000 feet…”
By this point, it was fully dark outside of my cockpit. Outside, all I could see was inky darkness. Even the submarine’s lights didn’t really cut through it. And the kicker? Relatively speaking, I wasn’t that deep. Fishing trawlers reached deeper than this. Better to conserve power until I was at the bottom. My descent continued.
“6000 feet… still good?”
“Still good…”
The check ins were becoming less frequent. My descent still continued… deeper… deeper… deeper. By now, I’d entered the Hadal Zone. But there was still so much deeper o go.
“8000 feet…”
This was past the depths that most whales would dive to… and I still had a ways to go.
“10,000 feet.”
This was close to where the ocean floor usually bottomed out… and yet there was still so much further to go. No. I was really only a third of the way there. How long had it been?Not much had happened beyond my descent and a few sightings out of my viewport, but time had been passing. A glance at my watch confirmed it’d been almost an hour since I’d started to sink… and I knew I wasn’t even close to the bottom yet. The submarine continued to descend, sinking ever deeper as I dropped into an infinite darkness that few had ever dared to witness.
“15,000 feet.”
This check in came later than the others. At this point, Sheila and the crew must have figured that no news was good news, and they were right. I just continued to sink peacefully, down into the crushing depths of the ocean.
These were the depths that one might normally find deep sea fish… and yet I was going somewhere even deeper than that.
“20,000 feet…”
So close…
I continued to sink.
“25,000 feet.”
Soon… and finally…
“30,000 feet. You still doing alright, honey?”
“Yeah… yeah, I’m doing good,” I assured her. I was so close…
By this point, my real work had begun. I’d engaged the lights and begun documenting what little I could see using the on board cameras. Granted, there wasn’t much life at these depths and what little there was, was scarcely documented. Most of what was down here consisted of invertebrates and microscopic life that seemed to float past my viewport.
The light seemed to draw a few creatures in search of food. Small, hardy things that resembled shrimp.
“How’s it looking, Grayson?”
“Dark,” I said, half joking. “We’ve got some life… shrimp. They’re translucent. Can’t get a great look at them… but we’ll see what the cameras pick up.”
“They’ve recognized you as a friend,” Sheila said. I could almost see the smile on her lips as she said it.
“Yeah…” I replied, “Tempura sent them a message, told them I’d be down. How am I looking on depth?”
“35,000 feet… you seeing a bottom yet?”
“No… not that I would until I was there.”
“Damn… how deep does this go?”
“It can’t go that deep…” I murmured, although I really wasn’t so sure about that.
The submarine continued to sink…
36,000 feet…
37,000 feet…
38,000 feet… and then finally, just past the 39,000 foot mark, I finally saw solid ground below me.
Looking through my viewport, I could see a familiar dark brown diatomaceous sludge, covering the seafloor. Microscopic life, likely similar to what had been observed in other deep sea trenches, such as the Challenger Deep.
I needed to gather a sample.
As my submarine reached the bottom, I extended the mechanical arms, pressed flat against the surface of the Tempura, and opened the collection port near the bottom of the ship. Slowly, I sifted some of the sludge into the port. My disturbance of the seafloor kicked up a cloud of the microbial colony, and I could’ve sworn I saw something wiggling through the debris. A pale, white thing, perhaps some sort of sea cucumber? I hastily angled my submarines camera to try and catch a glimpse of it, before returning to my collection. Even in this forlorn place, there was still so much to see! And here I was… completely forgetting my fear as the excitement took hold of me! Few people had ever been down to these unfathomable depths… and yet here I was.
It didn’t feel real but it was! I had reached the deepest part of the ocean!
“How’s it going down there?” I heard Sheila ask. Her voice was a little garbled. The connection down here was faltering.
“It’s beautiful…” I said. “I can’t wait for you to see it!”
“I’ll bet…”
“I’m going to do a sweep of the area, see what samples I can gather,” I said. “What’s my time right now?”
“Three hours. You’ve got nine before your connection to the weight deteriorates and you start to ascend.”
“I’ll make the most of it,” I said. The plan was only to stay down there for six hours, and I didn’t want to push that limit. Life support would only last me for so long, and one little error was all it would take for the ungodly pressure down here to crush me.
I began to move the submarine. Mobility was limited. This thing wasn’t built to travel far. But I still had some limited movement. I recorded all that I could, filming the shrimp that investigated my light, and the things that slithered and crawled through the muck, likely feeding on the carpet of single celled organisms that populated these depths.
The first two hours were… well… I hesitate to call them uneventful, they were actually very fascinating, but little of note happened beyond my recording of a few specimens.
Midway through the third hour though, as I was reaching one of the rock walls of the abyss, I noticed something just above the edge of my viewport swimming away from the light. I could’ve sworn I saw slender, pale tentacles of some sort. Was that a squid? Were there squid down this deep? I wasn’t aware of any species of known squid who could reach these depths… but in this unknown place, what use was the known?
I moved my light and my camera to try and catch another glimpse of it, but whatever it was, it seemed to be gone. Maybe I’d see another one. I still had plenty of time.
“You made a noise. What’d you see?” Sheila asked.
“Something big… I think,” I said.
“Down there? Like a fish?”
“Squid. You wouldn’t find any vertebrates down this deep… the pressure would crush their bones.”
“Jeez…”
I didn’t reply to that, still searching for the thing I’d seen. I shone my light up along the walls of the chasm and angled my camera up as far as it would go. I could see a few volcanic vents, spewing dark clouds into the darkness, and more diatoms. But not much else. Strange invertebrates crawled along the walls. Small creatures, no bigger than an inch long. Related to isopods, perhaps? If I could collect one as a sample, I would have… although taking any of those back to the surface would surely kill them. They were built to live under the impossible pressure of these depths. Taking them to the surface would rip them apart.
I went back to my research, and it wasn’t long until I saw something in the darkness, just on the edge of where my flashlight reached. Trailing white tendrils, snaking their way through the darkness. My eyes narrowed as I moved the submarine forward, trying to catch whatever it was in the light. I saw the shape move, its body turning… I saw its tendrils unfurling. Whatever this was, it was big. It was almost as big as The Tempura… although it was also slender. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought I was looking at some sort of floating debris, but this far down? No. And debris wouldn’t move like that.
This had to be a deepsea squid… or perhaps some other type of cephalopod? Something that preyed upon the various invertebrates down here, perhaps? It seemed to float, just out of sight for a bit, as I tried to get closer. I angled up my light to get a better look at it. The light seemed to shine through it, like some sort of ghost… but I did manage to get a look at it.
Although that look…
That single look made me freeze up.
This things slender tendrils certainly resembled a cephalopod of some sort, but the rest of it… the rest of it looked like something else entirely. Its body was thin, emaciated and translucent, yet despite that it still had characteristics that almost seemed… human. It wasn’t human! Not by any stretch of imagination, but the resemblance was there. It almost reminded me of an exhibit I’d seen in a museum once, depicting a preserved, fully removed human nervous system. I could see a similar shape in its translucent body. Its head seemed almost human as well… albeit with no eyes, and a lamprey like mouth I could only describe as fleshy yet crablike.
Still, despite having no eyes I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was looking at me. And that was when I felt something hit the submarine.
I felt a sudden jolt of panic in my chest. For a moment, I thought that the pressure had started to crush me, but no… no, everything was still fine. Something had just hit me. But what? It didn’t take long before I got my answer.
Another pale creature floated past my viewport, swirling gracefully in the cold dark waters. I watched it for a moment with wide eyes, before noticing its ‘head’ turning slightly toward me. Then, almost instantly, it launched itself at the submarine, darting toward me with blinding speed.
I heard a distinct THUD as its body collided with me, and I could see its pale tendrils pressing against the viewport, twisting and writhing violently. It was trying to attack me. The first creature that I’d seen lunged as well, pounding on my submarine with another THUD. And moments later, I could hear more impacts against the hull. There were more of them… and they did not like having me down there.
“What’s going on?” Sheila asked.
“Somebody doesn’t like me…” I said. “One of the animals down here… some kind of squid, it’s just started attacking the hull.”
“How bad is the damage?”
“Not sure… could be nothing, could be-”
I felt the submarine shake as I tried to move it. The thrusters that pushed me forward weren't responding. Had something gotten caught in it? One of the creatures perhaps?
“Grayson?!” Sheila asked.
“Lost propulsion…” I said. “Fuck… I can’t move.”
“Then drop the weight and come up!”
“No, it’s fine, there’s no other damage, I can still use the port and starboard thrusters to-”
“Grayson!”
I paused. There was genuine panic in her voice… enough to make me realize that even if these things stood little chance of actually breaching the hull, taking the risk would be a fatal mistake.
“I’m on my way up…” I finally said, before reaching out to disengage the ballast weights.
Immediately, I felt myself beginning to rise, although the tentacles clinging to my viewport didn’t disappear.
“We’ve got you…” Sheila said. “Rising up to 38,000 feet.”
The submarine continued to rise, but the creatures clinging to me went nowhere. In fact… I was sure I could see more of them. More pale shapes coming up through the darkness, and these ones filled me with dread. I thought I had been looking at some sort of eerie undiscovered life. But seeing what was coming up toward me now… I knew that I was looking at so much more. The creatures swimming up toward me through the darkness carried weapons… makeshift stone spears and daggers. Primitive tools… but tools all the same.
Signs that these were more than just undiscovered animals.
Much. Much more.
The word: ‘Mermaids’ crossed through my mind, but these were something far different than the ones I’d heard of in folklore. These looked like they’d swam out of the depths of hell itself. Boneless pale tendrils reached for me… and they were getting closer. The pale shapes reached my submarine as I rose higher. I kept praying to whatever God may be listening that the dropping pressure would force them off. The air in a submarine is pressurized, so during normal operation, there should have been no danger of decompression sickness for me.
For them… well… normally I’d feel a little guilty about subjecting an undiscovered species of deep sea mermaids to the horrors of the Bends. But given my circumstances, I didn’t have a lot of other options.
They didn’t let go, though.
They should have. But they didn’t.
What were these things?
I saw a splayed hand press against my viewport. Or… it somewhat resembled a hand. It had suckers on it, like a tentacle and the ‘fingers’ curled open like tentacles. The creature crawled over my viewport, clinging to The Tempura as it rose, and I could see the folds of its crablike mouth opening and pressing against the glass. I could see some sort of bile rising up through its translucent throat, before it secreted it all over my viewport. Was it trying to digest me? Was that how these things fed? How strong were its stomach acids? Were they strong enough to-
The window cracked.
My heart skipped a beat.
“No… no, no no…”
“Grayson, what’s wrong?!”
“They cracked the window… S-Sheila they… oh God… oh fuck, they just…”
“THEY DID WHAT?”
“It’s secreting some sort of enzyme… it’s on the window, it’s… FUCK… I’m gonna die… I’m gonna die… I’m gonna die…”
“You’re not gonna die, baby! Just… just keep ascending, okay? You’re at 30,000 feet… just keep going…”
I nodded, and kept on rising, although the question of whether or not the rest of the creatures were trying to digest the other parts of my submarine floated through my mind. How much damage could The Tempura take before it imploded? How much longer did I have? The submarine still continued to rise… 25,000 feet… almost halfway home… almost… almost.
The creature outside of my viewport slithered along the glass, searching for a better area to try and digest. Past him, I noticed a few of his companions dropping off. Maybe the change in pressure finally was getting to them?
From the corner of my eye, I suddenly noticed a flashing light. A warning. The hydraulics on one of the Tempura’s arms were shot… what else was damaged?
I checked my oxygen levels. 32%.
I should’ve had at least 14 hours of air. I’d only been down there for about 6 hours… I shouldn’t have been this low.
31%.
No… no, no, no, no… they’d damaged the air tanks!
30%.
29%
“20,000 feet!” Sheila said. “You still with me, baby?”
“Y-yeah…” I said. I didn’t mention my air situation. I didn’t need to worry her further.
The submarine continued its ascent.
15,000 feet.
24%. I was running out of time.
The creatures still clung to the Tempura. How had the pressure change not killed them yet? My oxygen was dropping faster than before. I was hemorrhaging air. Another crack formed across my viewport. I let out a little, involuntary gasp before trying to force myself to stop hyperventilating.
“Grayson, what was that?”
“I-it’s fine…” I stammered, “It’s fine!”
“Grayson what the hell is going on down there?!”
“They’re still on the submarine… they’re still…” I paused, looking at my oxygen levels. “19%...”
“19% of what? Grayson what’s going on!”
I paused.
18%.
“Air… I’m… I’m losing air…”
“That’s fine, you’re going to make it!” She said, although I heard her voice cracking a little. “You’re gonna make it!”
I didn’t answer.
12,000 feet.
11,000 feet…
My oxygen level continued to drop.
15%.
14%.
12%.
9,000 feet.
The creatures still clung to me, as the submarine continued to rise. The one on my viewport was still there, slowly crawling along the glass again. I stared into its eyeless face and swore I was looking at the face of my killer.
7,000 feet…
Oxygen had dropped to 9%. It dropped to 8% before I even got to 6,000 feet. I was going to die here…
The viewport cracked again and I squeezed my eyes shut. The submarine rocked. I was sure one of the thrusters had been damaged. My ascent slowed.
“Grayson, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry Sheila…”
Another crack spread across my viewport.
“I’m… I’m not making it back up…”
“YES YOU ARE!”
“I’m sorry…” The tears started to come as the reality of my death became clearer and clearer… this was it.
“YOU’RE COMING BACK UP, YOU HEAR ME! GODDAMNIT, I’LL BRING YOU BACK UP!”
“I love you…”
That creatures face pressed against the glass. It vomited more of its stomach acid onto the cracked glass, and I wondered if this might finally be what broke it. Part of me hoped it would be… the one good thing about dying this deep was that at least I’d die quickly. My suffering would be over. Then, the creature suddenly pulled back, twisting and writhing violently. I saw other shapes moving past it in the water, other ‘mermaids’ that had been clinging to the submarine.
Something was agitating them.
Something was scaring them off.
Then I heard it, over the radio… whale songs.
“What the hell…?”
“Grayson, are you still there?!”
“I… they’re finally breaking off. Sheila, what did you do?”
“I’m broadcasting some of the orca recordings we’ve been using. Are they still clinging to you?”
“No! They’re backing off! I… whatever you’re doing, keep doing it!”
The submarine kept rising.
5,000 feet.
4,000 feet.
4% oxygen.
I could still do this, right?
The submarine continued to rise.
3%.
3,000 feet.
2,000 feet.
2%.
1,000 feet… so close… I was so close…
I could almost see the surface through my viewport, rushing up toward me. I tried not to breathe. Tried not to move. All I did was hope.
500 feet.
I closed my eyes.
“Grayson we have your signal, we’re coming to pick you up!”
Sheila’s voice sounded so far away as my submarine finally breached the surface of the water… and with the last of my strength, I pulled the emergency release on the hatch, and threw it open, taking in lungful after lungful of fresh salty air.
I didn’t dare so much as touch the water beneath me… but I was topside again, and in the distance, I could see The Burger!
“We see you!” Sheila said, “We’ve got you baby… we’ve got you…”
“I see you too…” I said through the tears. “Thank you… thank you…” I didn’t have any words left in me after that.
As soon as I was back on the ship, I collapsed into Sheila’s arms, breaking down into tears as I clung to her, terrified that at any moment, some sort of unspoken other shoe would drop and I’d lose her all over again.
“Shh… it’s alright baby… I’ve got you… you’re safe… you’re safe…” I felt her fingers running through my air and I knew that what she said was true.
I was home.
I was safe.
***
I left my colleagues to review the data that the Tempura gathered during its short expedition. As far as I know, they haven’t published anything. I have a few ideas as to why, but I’ll keep those to myself. Let’s just say that some people would rather this information not become public.
I have a feeling that the Tempura may not be diving again for some time, if ever. I will confess that I do consider that a bit of a shame. Despite everything… I would consider it a success. It endured far more stressful conditions than I had expected, and from what I heard, required fewer repairs than I’d thought it would. But, even if it was approved for another dive, it wouldn’t be me piloting it. No. I will never be setting foot inside of that machine again, nor will I ever be returning to what my colleagues have been quietly referring to as ‘The Jenner Trench’.
I can’t.
Every night, I wake up crying after dreaming of pale shapes outside of my cracked viewport, clinging to Sheila and sobbing. I can’t put myself in that situation again.
I can’t.
Instead, I think I’m going to spend the next few years on solid ground. There’s a teaching position available at a local university. I think that might be the best place for me right now. Who knows, maybe I can help some other deadbeat discover a passion for marine biology.
After everything, my love for the sea remains unchanged… I’m just a little more wary of it, these days.

First < Previous Next >
I snap my head back down, with renewed vigour and hope about communicating with everyone without needing to play charades. With the knowledge that this is a microphone, my mind swims with the possibilities. If they can grow quartz crystals, they may be able to refine and grow silicon crystals, effectively making computers. Getting back on track, I add a resistor above the tremorsense and attach a ground wire below it. Tapping off between the resistor and tremorsense, I look to Silvra and gesture towards the translator.
“And what do you think you are doing?” She remarks, eying the setup with a mix of scepticism and intrigue. Her arms were folded, her brow furrowed in concentration.
“Just because you may be able to overhaul our entire way of life, does not mean I will give you something worth half a year’s wage. You best get to explaining yourself.”
Taking a deep breath, I sketched a quick diagram on the paper between us. I outlined how the piezoelectric effect of the tremorsense could convert sound into electrical signals that the translator could interpret. “It’s like turning vibrations into voices,” I explained, hoping the simplicity of the analogy would bridge the gap my technical terms could not.
“It…should work. Why has no one thought of this before?!” Silvra asks eagerly, reaching for even more paper, with Thallion leaning in to take notes as we possibly cross the language barrier.
Silvra passes me the translator, and carefully I place the tap wire on the central nub, and the ground on the body, similar to how their hands work with the metallic pin and the rest of their hand. I then reach for my phone and attach the power to the resistor, and the ground to the body of the translator as well.
I speak.
“can you hear me?” I ask, apprehensively, hoping I did not just blow up the device. It’s faint whine either being a really good thing, or a very bad thing.
“What was that?!” Lena turns around, after staring off into space as we got technical.
“i said, can you hear me?”
“yes we can!” Lena exclaims, not through the device, but from across the table, her eyes wide with astonishment.
“I can too. it is a little dull, but we can hear you. and you can hear us! without us touching it!” Thallion remarks,
I notice that yes, I can hear them, but rather than being melodic and transferring all the intent behind the meaning of the word, translating the emphasis, it comes across as dull, flat and lifeless, like text to speech readers. I find it quite painful to listen to.
“Perhaps it's a minor calibration issue,” I suggested, already thinking about adjustments to enhance the voice modulation.
“maybe i can sound like a robot for now, but perhaps, you should continue playing hot potato with the translator?”
“forget that!” Silvra remarks. “i may sound flat, but i don’t have to pass the device around! i can just leave it on a desk somewhere and it will just work!”
“not only is this an overhaul in this device, but think of the implications. we can talk across species without needing to touch very complex systems. we may even be able to communicate with animals, Lena!”
Lena perks up at this, “if i could talk to them, then i may be able to convince the big ones to leave us alone, but I worry about what that means if they are truly intelligent.”
Looking back at the device, I think back to the little I remember for analog electronics. The device can pass emotion and translate it, so it is capable of doing so. Maybe there is an issue with the prefilter? I could possibly fix that.
“silvra, it is amazing that we can talk, but I find it painful to listen to all of you due to the robotic voice. i think i can fix it. do you have the schematics for the device?”
“i don’t know what robot is, but i am guessing the flat sound, i do have drawings, let me go get them”
Silvra heads out, and Tallion is writing down everything. Lena is leaning over his shoulder.
“i know you are upset, but what you did is monumental, communication without contact, translation without touch. just remember that you are using your phone for power!” Lena states. I cannot tell emotion but bittersweet is all I can get.
Silvra enters again, knocking the snow off her clothes carrying some yellowed paper. Placing them down before me, I look across them.
“maybe increase the power input? That usually works for us. More space for clarity, or something,” Thallion adds, trying to be helpful.
I shake my head no, trying to ignore what he just said, based on the fact that is how humanity killed the first transatlantic cables. It is not a power issue as the device turns on, but a warping or nonlinearity of the data itself.
After a few moments of staring at the schematics, I find the input and the first thing I see is the massive choke directly after the input.
“a ha! found it!” I exclaim, reaching for the toolkit that Silvra brought over a few days ago. “just need to remove the choke at the front!”
“before you go voiding the warranty on this, why would that solve anything? that is how we regulate the flow of power!”
“i make direct current from my phone, so i don’t need to regulate it, in fact, that choke is destroying all high frequencies. i will talk about it if this works.”
“ok, but i’ll dismantle it. just point out the part on the schematic, and provide a jumper to cross over the holes”
Sighing, I grab the cables from the toolbox, along with the soldering iron and candle. Silvra grabs the components from me, and carefully unscrews the ground bell from around the power pin. Finding the power pin’s input into the interior, there is a large coil. Silvra quickly removes the coil and puts the jumper in its place.
Reassembling it, she gestures for me to talk. Taking a deep breath, and reconnecting my phone, I talk.
“Good afternoon everyone! And welcome to a new era! One of power for all!”
“I can hear you loud and clear!” Silvra exclaims, jumping up from the table.
“Astounding! Decoding the schematic and removing the choke did solve the problem!” Thallion replies.
“It worked before, and now it works better, I still think the first is more important to document”, Lena interjects, clearly getting bored of all of this tech talk
“So, Silvra,” I mention, “removing the choke works due to the same way the coil of wire moves coins: magnetism. Over the next few days we’ll be going over this in a lot more detail, but the choke does not choke the current, it converts it into magnetism, which is then released later. A changing current results in a changing magnet inside. It is very weak but enough to smooth input ripples, and stretch out the input spike slightly, which is probably why it is there in the first place.”
“But it comes with a downside. It acts stronger on faster switching pulses than on slow ones. My dc power has only an on pulse, but the signal of my voice is made of many higher vibrations. The choke would have killed this high frequency, and would have only passed the lower, which would be the fundamental frequencies only, sounding flat. The translator would then only be able to act on this flattened signal.”
“Now, I only got about half of that, but it stores the current as something called magnetism, saving it for later, and smoothing out the input,” Thallion states, looking up from his notes.
“Exactly. Think of it like a dam. Takes the surges and smooths them out, but you lose the changes caused by individual rainfalls”
“So what exactly is magnetism?”
“That is a good question, and contains several fields, chemistry, physics, all of what we classify as science. It will look like magic to you, but any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science. Just be ready to learn.
“Does this make the motor thing spin?” Lena asks.
“Yes, yes it does.” I reply, looking at my phone and the power slowly but steadily dropping.

I’ve (20F) been dating my boyfriend (23 M) now for 7months. We’ve never seen each other in person yet because he lives in country (continent actually) and i’m a still studying in college while he’s dealing with health problems that’s we both can’t fly to see each other. I’d say we get along pretty well on most things, we share the same world views and do have a good laugh about a lot of things. The problem is that sometimes i think he’s too nonchalant, just doesn’t care too much, or maybe i just care too much(i can’t really pinpoint it). I just feel like i’m the one engaging in most things. Like he never wants to call me unless I ask first and most of the time I feel like he’s just agreeing to it just to get it over with. When we talk in text he does answer but I feel like i have to be the one driving the conversation because if I don’t it just goes no where. He wasn’t like this at first, that’s why I fell for him because at first he really seemed to care about me. I don’t know maybe it’s like this as time passes and I just need to get used to it (?). I did bring it up to him a lot of times and it just caused a lot of fights that just drained the life out of me. He’s reasoning is that he doesn’t really feel the need to call me and his obliging with it only to make me happy and he texts me while his doing otherr things but he does try whenever he can. He just wants a chill relationship and someone he can just vibe with (that’s what he said) . I’ve made peace with it since I really want us to work and i do really love him and I do think he loves me too, to an extent lol. I just feel extra bad today because it’s my birthday and I didn’t plan anything because honestly I think it’s too much work and I just wanted to chill. It just made me feel bad that he didn’t try to do anything to make my day special, don’t get me wrong, i wasn’t expecting anything big. A phone call from him would have been more than enough. I just wanted to spend some time with someone I love. I didn’t ask for it because idk I thought he’d care enough to make me feel special on my birthday . The entire day I was sending him text messages, other than the birthday greeting (just the casual happy birthday) he didn’t do anything, it actually felt like I was begging for his undivided attention today . At the end of the day, I did expressed to him that I was upset for my birthday and he said sorry that my day wasnt what I wanted to be , he offered to talk about it but I was too upset to. It also gets him upset when I try to bring up things that made me upset at him. I can’t take another argument, i also cant deal with explaining to him why I feel this way cause it’s going to be a fight hence why I just want to be gone. I don’t want to ask him to care more abt how i feel.

Is anyone else experiencing issues with the app since the update that changed the user interface!? It's become such a pain in the a$$ for every single visit. The old UI wasn't great but at least it worked!!!
Messaging Issues:

• Delayed in loading & syncing messages
• Doesn't notify me consistently when i'm getting new messages

Rover Card Issues:

• Randomly refreshes when i'm writing notes and clears everything I had written
• I get an error every single time i try to upload photos!!!
  • It tells me it couldn't upload it and then i have to retry a bunch of times.
  • When it finally works, there are duplicate photos and i have to delete them 1 by 1
  • I've had to contact Rover support to complete some cards because it simply never worked
• IF i manage not to get an error, it still takes FOREVER to load the photos.
  • I've had to put my phone down and wait or literally drive home to get wifi to finish the card which then makes it seem like my drop ins are way longer than they actually are
• The card will refresh and wipe photos so i have to go through the entire process again

General Feedback:

• The inbox layout is confusing and cumbersome.
  • It should be set up like a regular inbox with Pending, Upcoming, Past and Archived in a side bar that can be accessed with one click.
  • I should have to search in 4 different areas, clicking 4+ different icons to find a message.
  • I should be able to access the calendar directly from a stay chat
  • I should be able to click "start rover card" directly from a stay chat
• The calendar isn't set up for productivity or ease of use
  • I should have a day, week and monthly toggle (just like outlook or apple)
  • If i click on a day, the "edit my availability" button just creates an extra step that isn't needed. It should just show me my availability for each stay and a button to + or -
  • Instead of needing to click "select multiple days" there should just be a range option at the top. And why does it only allow me to mark services as unavailable??
• Why is it a million steps to choose what photos i want public or private from a stay????

There is so much more, but i'll stop here. Thank you to anyone who read this far :) I hope i'm not alone.