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Like the title says, I don't know if I'm gay or just traumatized and I feel like I can't tell anyone irl about this because I don't want my feelings to be used as an excuse for conservatives to be like "see, I told you?" because it's so much more complicated than that.
I'm 23F, and have gone by the labels bi/queer since I was about ten years old. I know I am definitely attracted to women. Men on the other hand, I go back and forth on. TW here: I was raped when I was 14 years old by a boy who said he loved me, it was how I lost my virginity. I didn't even realize it was rape until about a year later, and during that whole year I was involved in a tumultuous on/off thing with him which was very unhealthy all around.
After that relationship I got "rescued" from him by another man who turned out to just like the fact that I was underage. I have blocked out most memories from this time.
After that relationship ended, I got into therapy, and did a lot of healing and figuring out why I kept attracting these types of relationships. I was single for a while, started to explore my own body in a way that felt safe for the first time, life was calm. it was good. After a while my therapist and I decided that I could start exploring dating again. I went on a few shitty first dates, then I met this guy I thought was really great. He said he was planning on majoring in the same subject I was, believed in equal rights, shared some hobbies, ticked all the right boxes.
Long story short it turns out he love bombed me, he never even went to college, he was a feminist by name only but once we moved in together I had to do all the housework or it just wouldn't get done, he lied about the shared hobbies, and he was also controlling in subtle ways. It all happened so slowly and subtly that I didn't notice until after we got married, that's when things really escalated. We're divorced now, I escaped after he SA'd me (I'm not sure I want to call it rape but he basically pressured me into sex after having hurt me and I felt like I couldn't say no even though I didn't want it) and threatened me.
Now I'm looking back on all my relationships and realizing I don't think I was ever attracted to any of these men. With the guy who raped me I remember thinking "well this is what I'm supposed to do I'm supposed to like it when a guy wants me", so I convinced myself that I liked him. With the guy who "rescued" me from that relationship it was more of a savior complex I think. And with my ex-husband, I always felt like closing my eyes when we did anything sexual, if I looked at his face it would kill the vibe for me. I liked that he wanted me, I liked the security I thought I had, I liked that he treated me better on the surface than my past experiences. But was I actually attracted to him? I don't know, I don't think so.
Now I'm with someone I've known a long time but we didn't reconnect until recently. He wants a relationship, at least in the sexual manner, and I just... I don't know. I like him, on paper he is very compatible with me in lifestyle, politics, etc. And when I think about hooking up with him I get nervous but i don't know if it's the good kind of nervous like attraction or the bad kind of nervous. And if it is the bad kind of nervous I don't know if that's because I'm just not into him or if it's because I'm so traumatized from my past experiences that I don't believe anything good can come from anything sexual/romantic at all. He's such a smooth talker, like he makes me actually swoon with his words but then my brain is immediately like "he's probably lying, he says this to everyone, none of this is true".
I don't know. This post isn't really making sense anymore. I know I need therapy but I'm moving in a couple months and can't afford the extra spending right now. So here I am, spouting nonsense on the internet because what else is a girl to do?

is your gf a big texter ? Is it a point of contention between yall both ? And did yall make compromises to get to a point where you find a middle ground ?
I find women are bigger texters in general, idk. I remember watching a video of a woman who said her bf didn't respond for just a few hours and she started worrying right away "is he dead ? did he get kidnapped" whoch i think is absurd, but according to stats women are more likely to have anxious attachment style, while men are more likely to have avoidant attachment style (in general), but there are people from both genders with healthy attachment style too. It really depends.

First, I would like to point out that men are just as sensitive to status, but their focus is on making friends rather than impressing women. Throughout my life, I've noticed that guys who are competent in their domain, such as being the smartest in class, the most athletic, or the most talented, tend to have the most friends. However, men don't seem to care much about a woman's social rank; in fact, they might even prefer non-famous people.
On the other hand, women appear to be more loyal to their peers but tend to be attracted to men who are high in social ranks, such as wealthy individuals, athletes, or intelligent men. This is evident as women often obsess over rappers, even if they are not conventionally attractive and mumble their lyrics, simply because they have clout. While there are many variations among women and their preferences, a common factor is that these men are successful in their respective fields. This is reflected in female-oriented movies, which often feature extremely successful men desiring women.
I also notice this phenomena on tiktok, such as if a guy is really smart, or talented they make common jokes about how they want to marry him. Whereas for men they don't seem to really care AS MUCH about a girls talents rather how attractive she is.
HERE IS MY QUESTION: Even though there is so much evidence towards this phenomena of woman liking men with money and success etc why is this question usually met with denial or anger by woman? We aren't saying status is the ONLY thing you like but its a large pulling factor. What is the fear behind admitting this phenomena or at least acknowledging that woman like status?

So it's popular to doubt Game Pass due to a lack of understanding of the model. Xbox/Microsoft wants Game Pass to be the Netflix of gaming. We know that, but no one questions Netflix. Netflix initially had old movies and TV shows on DVD. So let's talk Netflix and their competitors.
They later did streaming. What was happening around then? Streaming wars were incomming due to Netflix becoming popular. Studios wanted more money and then thought, wait why don't we do our own at some point. Netflix started spinning up their own content in landmark deals, House of Cards whole first season was green lit. Netflix began blowing money to draw eyesballs at this point. They needed continued subscriptions growth to help mitigate the blowing of cash but they new they would only survive with engaging new titles since they were losing the back catalog that most people were watching. Yes, Bright got headlines, but losing Friends and the Office hurt Netflix.
Netflix doesn't get the ability to make a big theatrical run pop that makes 500million dollars and then the 2nd run with it being on TV. So what do they do? They end series after a couple seasons. They do things to gain acclaim or get everyone talking. 2020 came along and what were we talking about in March/April? Tiger King. It's a far cry from Bright but it took over the globe.
What did Netflix's competitors do? They launched services and made original content. A lot are flopping. I won't mention Quibbi, Vudu, Crackle or all the other low tier streaming services. HBOMax was in it's best in 2020. They got my money. They about faced on that their features releasing day and date, started cancelling shows, merged and changed their name and cancelled/scrapped completed projects. I cancelled my service and only came back when they offered it for 99¢ a month for the ad version for a year. Guess what, I'll be cancelling it when the price changes.
Disney locked in a lot of subscribers for 2-5 years pre-launch. They released a lot of new content to mixed to meh results. They made a Willion series and cancelled it after season 1. X-Men 97 got me to log into a family account to watch it starting 3 weeks ago.
CBS All Access became Paramount Plus. They went in on Star Trek and now Paramount is looking to get sold in a weird way where the IP would stay with Sony but paramount plus would get sold off?
Peacock made headlines for their Bel Air series but I've heard more people talk positive about Crackle than ever mention Peacock.
**** Back to Game Pass****
If Microsoft stick's to their plan, they will be Netflix. They need to work on getting subscriptions. I'm sure a lower tier Game Pass, that's just their phone games will get a lot of new subscribers. They won't take as many big swings like Netflix did for Bright. They will take moderate swings like Netflix did for Adam Sandler movies and stand up. They will hopefully work with TV partners to make sure new TVs can play Game Pass. They don't need a handheld if all the new Samsungs and LG TVs have a built in 100 dollar piece of equipment. They will make more TV shows and movies. They might not of made a new Fallout game, but the series made the old games spike in sales and plays.
Microsoft made a service that influenced a service that made PlayStation and Nintendo copy parts of it. Some of the same Games Journos who bemoan Game Pass as unsustainable also really want Nintendo to copy them more, usually justifying emulation/piracy.
You won't like what Xbox/Microsoft does all the time. If we lose Phil Spencer, you'll get someone way more keen to be a Bobby Kotick and keep his job then someone who loves videos as a medium. You don't have to agree or support them. Vote with your wallets. I'm just a Nintendo Day 1 fan, who owns all the systems and likes what Microsoft is building to.
P.S. a cancelled TV series doesn't get the same press as a closed game studio but the loss of jobs and impact is the same. You look at all the crew and then people hired to do related jobs... Like the craft services, security and post production services. It hurts.

When I was preparing to take this course I wish I had a detailed review like this, so hope this helps...
General thoughts: I would be lying if I said this class is "easy." It's definitely not a class you can not study for at all and get perfect scores in. You need to put in the work. But it's not impossible, and definitely not as horrible as some people make it out to be.
Part 1 (Professor Ahmet Yildiz):
I went into the first section of the course thinking I'd need to memorize a bunch of amino acids, pKa's, etc.. There was not a lot of that. Yildiz is a professor who prefers application/conceptual understanding over brute force memorization. Take this with a grain of salt because the fall/other professors may have a different approach to the first section of 102. There is still quite a bit of info you need to memorize, but not to the extent people make it out to be.
His lectures are fairly dry. He did not know how to keep track of time/pace himself very well so he would often go thru only half a slide deck and need to pick back up during the next lecture. Thankfully he stuck to his word and did not expect us to learn info he didn't get to. Important to note that he has a fairly thick accent and talks quite fast so it can be difficult to catch every word he is saying at times. Nonetheless, his slides were pretty clear.
Exam was difficult but honestly not as bad as Ochem exams were for me. There's a mix of mcq, true/false, short answer, calculations, etc... The calculation questions were the hardest imo. Keep in mind he's a biophysicist so you'll see some of his physics background show up in the lectures & the way he frames his calculation-based questions. Regardless, the practice exam he gave from last year was definitely reflective of his exam.
He was the only professor to hold in-person office hours (helpful) and did stop for questions during lecture. Unfortunate part was that very little practice questions written by him were provided besides the practice exam.
Part 2 (Professor Evan Miller):
This section was quite content heavy, but was honestly my favorite section of the course. I attribute that to Miller's teaching. Miller is just amazing at what he does. He's super clear, succinct, articulate, knowledgable, and easy to follow along. His lectures pack in quite a lot of info but it never felt like that because he would annotate on his iPad alongside us as he taught. He always finished his lectures on time and was never in a rush. It's pretty obvious he has been doing this for a long time. He incorporated a lot of learning strategies in his section (active discussion/share-outs during lecture, pre/post surveys to assess student understanding, activities during discussion section, etc...).
Miller provided plenty of practice questions that were reflective/helpful for the exam. We received numerous problem sets, 2 practice exams, and practice questions built into the lecture. His exam was really long but because there was so many potential points - each question was not worth a whole lot (more room for mistakes). He was very upfront with his expectations and very helpful in office hours (held via Zoom).
Miller's section did incorporate some Ochem mechanisms but there were only 2-3 mechanisms on the exam. His section requires a combination of pattern recognition, memorization, and application. Very little to no math. After doing a bunch of practice questions you really get a feel for the type of questions he likes to ask.
Part 3 (Professor Ross Wilson):
People told me this section would be the easiest of the course. Not necessarily the case.
Professor Wilson is an extremely kind and easy-to-talk to/down-to-earth guy. He was always smiling, laughing, and making it easy to approach him. Nonetheless, his section's structure was not very helpful. Lectures were pre-recorded videos from 2020 that we were expected to watch on our own time. During the scheduled lecture time, Wilson would occasionally (on select days) show up to the lecture hall and do a Q&A / mini-review of the most recent lecture videos. Keep in mind these pre-recorded lectures were often an hour or longer. Wilson also stuttered/mumbled a lot. He would say something and then start questioning what he himself said or take something back. Or he would post a "correction" to something he said in the lecture videos. When people would ask questions during his in-person sessions, he would often get thrown off or not have a clear answer. I'm sure he's a smart guy but not necessarily the best teacher.
Wilson would provide really short assignments to complete (1-2 questions) but would then tell us that these questions were very hypothetical, not the best questions, too challenging, etc... Wilson constantly said he would not write such tricky questions on exams, but this wasn't necessarily the case. He was also constantly making comments about how he could have worded certain things better.
He was nice enough to provide ALL exams he's given while he's taught this course. He told us the most recent practice exam (2023) was going to be the most reflective, which was not 100% true because that exam was much much easier than ours and had questions straight up copy/pasted from previous years. Our exam was much harder than I expected it to be because the fill in the blank questions/MCQ's were each worth a lot of points. Getting one word or question wrong was quite costly. It was sometimes unclear what Wilson was asking for, or two answer choices seemed correct for the MCQ. It was kinda shocking because Wilson made it seem like his exam was going to be the easiest/ most straightforward when in reality it was quite challenging.
Content-wise, Wilson packed a LOT into his lectures. It was hard to sense what was essential info and what was more supplemental/examples. The way he structured his lectures often felt out of order. The man did provide an "elements to know" list with essential terms/concepts however, which did help.
I would argue part 3 was the hardest section of the course because of the structure/teaching style though Wilson is a hella chill guy.
Overall thoughts:
This course definitely takes foundational concepts from Bio 1A and builds on it (with some added Ochem ideas/principles and a bit of math).If you liked Bio 1A you will probably enjoy the course content. The professors were pretty decent but had 3 different teaching styles/course formats so I could see people getting lost with expectations/deadlines/assignments if they didn't attend class in-person. It would have been nice if things were consistent across the three sections.
One issue I had with the course was the lack of transparency regarding course grading. It took many weeks for the first exam to be graded and then the regrade process was a little chaotic. The professors never brought up grade bins during class nor was there anything about grades in the syllabus. I never knew how I was doing or what grade I might get in the class. People kept telling me that to get an A you had to do approx 1.5 stdv above average, which definitely caused some anxiety.
If you have to take this class I'd recommend it in the spring. For the spring semester, you get a 4x6 cheatsheet notecard for every exam (not always useful but still better than nothing). Lecture recordings are always provided (which I heard isn't the case for all 3 sections in the fall). The professors ended up being very generous with the final grade bins for the course. We weren't provided with final cutoffs, but the head GSI suggested that approx 60 percent of the class got some form of A's or B's.
I was fortunate enough to do well in the course, so here is my advice for future students... 1) Don't skip lecture/ always attend in-person! I never missed a single one so keeping up with the material was not an issue. It's super easy to get behind in this class yet significantly difficult to get back on track once you slip up 2) Attend professor OH: I did this off and on but when I did go they were helpful. 3) Go to all review sessions - I attended GSI review sessions, professor review sessions, and the SLC ones - you have nothing to lose by going (more exposure to material the better). 4) Grind out ALL the practice exams/problems provided. They are 100% the best way to prepare for exams. 5) Take good notes and actually review them frequently. 6) Make Quizlet or Anki your best friend: I used flashcards to prep for every section and studied them on the daily. 7) Ask questions on ED or during discussion section: GSI's are very kind & willing to help.
I used the textbook a little bit for part 1 (was somewhat helpful) and did not for parts 2 & 3. You don't need it, nor would I recommend going searching for Youtube videos. Lecture has everything you need. Oh, and there's no cumulative final! Midterm 3 (section 3 exam) happens during the allotted final exam time. Workload for the class is on the lighter side - just some problem sets that are graded on completion.
All in all, I actually enjoyed the course to some extent. It was definitely a rollercoaster of emotions / a challenging journey, but I think if you put in a lot of work/effort and remain positive - an A is not out of reach. This is not a Bio 1A/1B or Chem 1A where you can simply study the night before and still do amazing (all 3 exams had averages between 55 and 60 percent btw). But it's not at all the horrible class people scare you into thinking - it's likely easier than the physics series here and some upper div MCB courses. I wish people didn't make this class seem like it's straight out of a horror movie, but at the same time hearing people's experiences definitely pushed me to work harder.

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FYI: stuff that I don’t discuss are the same as normal R6
Heimdall: And with the conclusion of the fifth round with the gods once again gaining the advantage with three points to humanity’s two. After seven million years, Humanity has taken one more step towards its end. Now get ready for the next round of Ragnarok, round 6!
The lights dim
Mutterings are heard about the darkness
Heimdall:The next fighter for the gods… Could there be any greater irony?Giving humanity its requiem… Long Ago… (A lotus buds into full bloom) He helped those foolish humans… with worldly desires.(A path of Lotuses bloom in preparation for the entrance.) and showed them the path through the darkness. Abandoning royalty, Abandoning family, Abandoning worldly desires, and Abandoning the six emotions. Trodding an untrodden path, he walked alone like the horn of the rhinoceros. And so, in six short years he attained enlightenment. He was born alone, lived alone and fought alone.Through all of heaven and earth only he is the honored one. Through all heaven and earth I alone am mighty!Only I am strong! Entering this world as a prince and exiting it as the enlightened one, out of respect humans call him… THE BUDDDHAAA!
The gods begin yelling: “Look at their faces! That’s true despair! It is his free time… C’mon show those puny humans what it means to be a god!”
Buddha walks towards humanity giving heimdall his gum and taking his Gjallar horn speaking into it:So uhhh, Imma fight for humanity. Thx
Cue that one reaction panel
The gods erupt in outrage: Are you saying you're not a god? You damn traitorous rat!
In response Buddha breaks the horn and an ear splitting roar emerges from it silencing the gods.
Buddha(Pulling out his staff): Shaddup! If the gods won’t save them, then I will! And if any god gets in my way, I’ll kill them!
It was truly astounding, shocking even the chief gods and the omnipotent Zeus. The only one who understood was Brunhilde herself.
Goll glances at Brunhilde as she sees her sister’s calm and stoic face, she realizes that her older sister planned this.She asks: Is this a part of your plan sister Hilde?
Brunhilde smiles, a wane smile and speaks: Unfortunately that man, his will is dictated by no one.
[Pre round 6]
Buddha walks up to Brunhilde, a smile on his face, a bucket of popcorn in his hands. He starts: Hey Brun, Zeus wanted me to go in the sixth round but, I don’t care, I’m gonna side with humanity.You seem sad…
Brunhilde remains stoic: Ok sir. I’m in mourning of the lost fighters.
Buddha: Were you always gonna make me rebel? I remember you came to me and asked about Volundr, you had to have been planning this huh?
Brunhilde leans down: If you must know, Nobody in the heavens hates the gods like you buddha.
Buddha grins, remarking: If you want to achieve your goal it is almost like there is no right or wrong.
[Present day]
Brunhilde to goll: He’s a horrible man, but incredibly strong. He is Humanity’s strongest Adolescent.
Heimdall angry at buddha: No NO NO, The roster is already decided. You can’t do that!
Buddha: Shaddup, I wanna do it how I wanna do it. You ain't stopping me.
Enter Zeus
Heimdall: According to the rules of —
Zeus: It just says each side has to send out a fighter not that one has to be a god or human. It’s so interesting my old bones might forgive me for smiting you Buddha.
Buddha grins: Bring it on gramps!
Zeus: But I’ve already decided on the fighter for Round six.
Odin: Let me ask you this, rat. You’re about to make an enemy of every single god, are you sure you want to do that?
Buddha: Clean your ears more old man, I don’t care. “Good people” or “bad people” (A shot of Jack sitting down with Hlokk watching the match) “gods” or “men”. To me, I’m just the Buddha.
The gods in the audience begin scolding buddha for his actions again
Buddha: If you stand in my way, I will kill you!
All of the gods go silent
Buddha: That was boring.
Zeus:I have already decided who will fight in the sixth round
???: Divine Punishment
???: Divine Punishment
???: Everyone wake up !!!!
???: Minori the boat.
???: The sound is sooooo good.
The boat touches the ground and the seven lucky gods exit.
Zeus claps Bishamantoen on the back and States: You will win.
The only response is: Yes sir
Heimdall:Only Bishamantoen needs to be present for the fight.
Bishamantoen: We are one, Let us return.
The rest of the seven lucky gods dash and fuse, making Zero. A demonic entity, seemingly childlike in form with a body to match. His hair the color of dirt and blood mixed, an evil grin spreads across his face as he stretches.Zero reaches into his back and pulls out the Misery cleaver, An ax made of rough sinew and muscle, tinges the color of pure darkness.
To most the name Zerofuku is a name that is unknown. But, to some that name was a savior. A god of fortune who healed all he could, gave humans everything. But how did the kind-hearted zero turn into the demonic form fighting Buddha today?
Zero, a young man with baggy clothes is walking along a trail, seeing a bird that has an obviously broken wing and a tiger waiting in the bush to eat its prey. Most gods wouldn’t have intervened, but to Zero this was important to provide happiness and joy to all that he could. Zero walked in calmly, Healed the bird using his own luck as a bright light encompassed the bird and it was able to fly away, to live another day.
Zero had a few chance encounters with humans, who sought him for his ability to heal and grant good luck. Zero had never visited humans, they came to him. They insisted on giving him valuable commodities and he denied it. Zero wasn’t going to be bought but rather help came from him whether you hated him with all of your soul or loved him with all of your heart.
Zero had entered a village and he cried for days, oceans of tears flooding from his eyes at the pain that humans suffered. He saw people dying, suffering and had no clue how to help these humans out of their misery but to take it. So, he did, going to everyone that he could find and taking all their misery.
When Zero returned to the small town he had first started healing, he was shocked. Everyone had only fallen further into sin. People ate when there was no good reason, People fought to gain money, People slept around because they could, People grew envious of others, People hoarded wealth to a degree that dragons would be considered small fries.
To many this was heaven on earth, they had all they could ever want and yet still wanted more. They no longer recognized his dirty, small form. This drove Zero over the edge, his good karma being poisoned by hate.
Someone helped the crying,bedraggled Zero up, a man, a bun tied over his head, a pair of glasses roundly sitting on his nose. A simple cloth covering him, the Buddha.
Buddha: Hey you look pretty rough. Want some beans?
Zero sees the people, raggedy even more so than him yet smiling from ear to ear
Zero: Who are you? Why are they so happy?
Buddha: I’m Buddha, and there is no one reason. They know what they want and they take it.
Zero begins to cry
Buddha: Hey there, why so blue?
Zero: I tried to take their misery into me so they could improve…. But all they did was take my gift and sin more
Buddha: Yeah, nice thought, not as good as a plan. You’re on the right track and are so dang close man. There is no straight cure to death, ya see, it’s all a circle… no end or beginning just you. So love what you have instead of envying what you want. Misery makes people move, it motivates them to do what otherwise would be a horrid life. Zero: But I can’t do it… I’ve tried for years and years. I’m worse than when I started…
Buddha: If you need me I’ll be there alright man.
Zero: Are you a god?
Buddha: hahahahaha NO! Just a man who loves himself.
Zero:But, the gods should be able to help you and nurture you! Why are you better at this than me?
Buddha: I’ve lived it Zero, not just been near it. I know firsthand how hard it is to bear. You have no clue what it is to suffer and come out a new man
At this Buddha walks away, his troupe behind him. Zerofuku returns to his degraded home and falls asleep. The next day he wakes with devilish horns and fleeting good karma. Overnight, joy turned to rage. He began to change his hair to the color of the misery he absorbed.
Little did zero know someone else was watching him.. The priest of gluttony, the demonic god, Beelzebub had implanted a massive amount of condensed misery, and at the core, the essence of the demon Hajun, into the sleeping form of Zero.
Beel: I hope this grows enough to kill me… Forgive me friends… I have sinned for far too long… I yearn to experience what you do… Please grant me mercy…
[Present day]
Zero: I’m gonna disembowel you? No, it doesn’t have that Jenesaisquoi that I’m looking for… Kill you? Nah… I’m gonna eradicate you!

This is a little tangent-y, so I apologize. For context, I (AFAB20) have had questions about my gender identity since I was 14.
I always felt as though I identified more with male characters in TV, movies, book, and other media, and I've always preferred hanging out with my brother's friends and being considered "one of the guys," which I know doesn't automatically make me trans, but I cut my hair off when I was 15 and the difference in how I felt was immediately noticeable.
I never told anyone back then, partly because I hadn't ever personally met anyone who openly identified as trans so the concept was still unfamiliar to me and therefore I was under the impression that maybe I was just a tom-boy as I had frequently been called as a child, and partly because I was still content to exist as a girl. As I mentioned, I was a tom-boy for most of my childhood, so the majority of my clothing lacked any traditionally feminine traits, I didn't yet wear make-up, and the majority of my friends were either equally as tom-boy-ish girls or guys that me and my brother were mutually friends with.
As I got older, however, I did more research into gender identity and was exposed to a larger variety of queer-identifying people, and the discontentment began to grow.
I would start to grow my hair out with the intention of returning to a more feminine appearance, but once my hair reached a certain length I would begin to detest the way it made me look and inevitably I would have it cut short again. The same thing happened with the clothes I wore. My older sister gifted me some of her hand-me-downs, and I tried to enjoy wearing them because they made me look like other teenage girls, but I ultimately hated the way they accentuated the female characteristics of my body. Make-up followed the same pattern.
I tried speaking to a friend about it, but he told me to consider that perhaps I was just frustrated and unsettled by the way women are treated in the world, and it was manifesting in a way that made me believe it would just be easier if I were a guy. I, whether for better or worse, accepted that as being the truth and continued to keep quiet about it.
I continued to attempt to present more femininely, consistently managing to convince myself that I was happy as a girl if it meant getting to live the life I knew was easiest, but without fail I would always revert back to presenting more masculine and without fail it always made me feel the most comfortable in my own skin.
When I was 17, I finally spoke up about it again to some other friends and they each helped me organize my thoughts and try to process what exactly it was that I was feeling. They encouraged me to be open and honest, reassured me that they wouldn't judge me because I was at an age when self-discovery was just as important as it was confusing, and helped me realize that maybe I really was trans.
I continued to present masculine for a while, gave excuses to anyone who asked about it, and just existed. Close friends started using male pronouns for me when we spoke one-on-one or online, and it made me feel so incredibly happy, that I decided to come out a few months later when I was 18.
This lasted a month.
I told my mom in person, and she said, "I believe this is what you think you are right now." She didn't say anything else, and I know I should be thankful that that's all it was, but it still felt like a slap in the face— just a roundabout way of telling me it was a phase that I'd get over.
I was too afraid to tell my dad in person after that, so I made a post online. He never saw it, or at least never acknowledged it. So I sent him the link through text. He responded with, "I didn't want to make a big deal out if it because I didn't think you'd want me to." He then proceeded to never acknowledge it again.
A month after the initial coming out (which I had been so proud of myself for), the constant anxiety that came from wondering what my family was secretly saying about me became too much and I rescinded it all and went back into the closet.
I haven't come out again since, but a few close friends still know about how I feel and continue to support and encourage me in private.
I'm used to being perceived as a woman because that's what I've been my whole life, and I think I've been in the closet for such a long time that I've resigned myself to continue living this way, so I guess my question is does that make me not trans? I can convince myself that being a woman is what makes me happy, but I know deep down that I will always want to be a man. At the same time, I've been told that if I'm not depressed or suicidal about not being able to transition either socially or surgically, that means I'm not actually trans.
Does it hurt not being able to live the way I want? Absolutely. Does it hurt knowing I've been able to educate my parents about trans folk since then, but they still refuse to ever acknowledge my own coming out from a couple years ago? Absolutely. Would I come out and begin the process of transitioning if I could financially support myself on my own and ensure I'd be able to leave if I needed to? Absolutely.
I'm just not sure if actually being able to exist as I want is in the cards for me, I guess.

Hello All, I posted on here about a month ago about my struggle of figuring out my relationship with my husband who is also questioning his sexuality. You can read it here. Appreciated all the kindness received.
Anyway the more I explore this and accept the truth of who I am. The more I realize that #1 you have to talk about it. Whether that’s in therapy, to your friends or to the strangers on the internet. Even all of the above like I’ve been doing. Every time you share, that weight you’ve been carrying lightens a little. #2. The topic of this post and why I’m expanding on my story instead of half sharing the truth. If I can help someone not go through the trouble I have then my internet sharing is worth it.
Going through this journey it’s been really helpful to me to think about my past, present and the most difficult how I see my future.
I’ll start with my past, both behaviors and stuff that made me want to hide those behaviors. Also trigger warning abuse and SA present, but truth helps.
My parents were teen parents and divorced by the time I was 2. I was in custody of my mom who was very unstable. One day she would be amazing and we would read books all day and normal fun mom stuff. Some days she wouldn’t leave bed. Other days she’d have so much uncontrollable anger she’d break everything in our house. It was a dice roll everyday of my childhood on if she was gonna be dead, nice or a raging bitch.
When I was 5 years old, I was obsessed with the Spice Girls. Particularly Sporty Spice. I wanted to be just like her. My mom told me “why can’t you be into any of the other ones that aren’t lesbians” Funny because to my knowledge Mel C is not gay and just prefers to wear athletic clothing. Still not off to a good start.
Pretty much exclusively only played with boys because I could not understand how to relate to girls. Anytime I played pretend or Barbies with girls, I wanted to be Ken or the dad or whatever. That definitely weirded some friends out. So I mainly had friends that were boys that I could play sports with. My mom would always make comments about how hanging out with boys was “unladylike”.
My dad got remarried and my step-mom was not having my little tomboy self. She made my mom look like a saint. Literally forced me to wear makeup and clothes I did not want to wear, by any means necessary. I was smacked by a variety of objects. Told me I would not be allowed to see my dad if I continued to want to “act like a boy” said I was a bad influence on my step - sister. I was literally just existing as I always had with my more stable parent. Unfortunately my dad loves this woman and followed along. It is what it is. Naturally even though I love my half brother and step-sister. I stopped visiting except at extended family holidays.
Through out my childhood my mom would have “boyfriends”. In a sense they were but really these men were people my mom was using for a house or drugs or whatever she thought she was into at the time. So my role model for relationships was sleeping with men will get you where you want to go. Some were very nice, some were extremely not.
Enter my half sisters dad/ my step dad. My mom married him around the time I was going through puberty. He was noticing that I exclusively hung around boys and assumed I was interested. Took it upon himself that he should teach about sex. He started with making me watch porn with him and then would start to suggest I practice stuff with him where it was safe. I was 11. I had learned from dealing with my mom that voicing my feelings just lead to blow ups. So I went a long with it even though I was uncomfortable. Luckily they divorced when I was 13.
So a trauma response when you can’t fight or flee is to disassociate. You just go off in make believe land until the danger passes. My make believe land was always my pretend relationships with girls I had crushes on. Anytime throughout childhood that’s where my mind went when I was stressed.
By the time I got to high school I had started having trouble making friends. I couldn’t hang out with guys anymore because they naturally wanted hook up with me. I couldn’t hang out with girls because I couldn’t separate attraction and jealousy from friendship. No home life. This ended up with me attempting suicide my sophomore year.
Luckily I survived. I stay kinda quiet but I’m able to find an outlet in sports and I am so thankful for that. Once I found out sports scholarships were a thing, and could help me escape my home I was all in.I also at this time began the same pattern as my mom. I was dating a boy who was two years older than me and living on his own. I lived with him and put up with intimacy because I was out of my house. He dumped me when he found out I was going out of state for college. He was also always very jealous I was excelling at my sport and getting offers.
College I joined a sorority and started hooking up with lots of guys. In my head it wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to men. It was that I was afraid of sex due to my childhood and I could exposure therapy myself into liking it. As you can guess that doesn’t work. I stopped because it was not helping my emotional well being whatsoever. I told myself the next guy I hook up with is going to be someone I “love”.
I met my now husband 2 years after graduating college. He was perfect. He was not actively trying to get me to have sex with him ever. We had similar experiences of not being able to connect with others in school. We truly enjoy each other’s company. We can’t figure out sex though. I thought it was just an aversion because of my traumatic childhood. Not being attracted to him never crossed my mind.
So now the present. You can only repress yourself so long. On paper my life looks incredible. Stable job, husband is enjoyable to be around, upper middle class shit. Literally the life I longed for as a child. But I feel empty, trapped, stuck. I’m still disassociating with fake women relationships all the time. Thoughts I assumed would just go away when I got married, they don’t.
I think the best thing that’s helped me lately navigating this is asking myself “am I doing this because I want to or because I think someone else wants me to”. Is it because I’m scared of reaction or because I want this. I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that if I’m worried about my husband’s feelings at the expense of my own, I’m never going to have fulfillment or feel like I’m living life.
I still have a lot to unpack and deal with because I still am afraid of homosexuality due to the literal beating of it out of me. What I can tell you is at least accepting I’m attracted to women has given me a confidence I have never felt in my life. I look forward to finding out more of who I am, when I’m not avoiding others reactions. I am so grateful I stumbled on this community. I encourage everyone to keep sharing. You never know who you may be helping.

I enthusiastically dove headfirst into lifting about 5-6 years ago without knowing much about natty or steroids (had a trainer, didn't care much about the community/culture at first). I got up to 165lb @ 6'1/10% BF from twig-like 140lb in about 6 months. The problem was that I still looked tiny on the account of my small frame compared to other men. I still got zero attention from women (or even less it seemed), and in fact some told me they didn't notice that I had started lifting which also didn't help my confidence (wore clothes that complimented physique, usually tighter than not, etc.)
Long story short, I ended up quitting and have deliberated getting back in over the years but it never seems like a good deal for my commitment. Putting in my tiny wrists and other attributes into all the different natty potential calculators online it gives me a max potential weight of 200 at my BF (still 10% today), which is of course years of work and essentially making bodybuilding my life's work which I am not interested in doing. Hypothetically, let's say I still gave it a good effort of at least 3 days of lifting per week like I was doing before, which optimistically lands me at 190lb after 3-5 years of work.
What I am not believing is that, if only I gain another 25 pounds (140 -> 165 -> 190) and essentially max out my natural potential, then I'll finally start getting taken seriously. Recall that nobody batted an eye when I gained the first 25. What am I missing here? If anybody could give this a read and put themselves in my shoes and then affirm or suggest other ways of looking at it, that would be much appreciated, thanks.

Alcohol – it's a fixture in many social gatherings, a part of celebrations, and often a means to unwind after a long day. Yet, emerging research is shedding new light on its intricate relationship with heart health, particularly among women. A recent study published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology has uncovered intriguing findings that demand attention.
Historically, the impact of alcohol on heart health has been a subject of debate. While moderate alcohol consumption has been linked to potential cardiovascular benefits, excessive intake can lead to detrimental effects. However, the nuances of this relationship, especially concerning gender-specific differences, have been less explored until now.
According to the study, led by Dr. John Smith from the American College of Cardiology, alcohol consumption, even in moderate amounts, poses a greater risk for heart disease among women compared to men. This finding challenges the conventional wisdom that moderate drinking may confer cardiovascular advantages equally across genders.
The research suggests that women who consume alcohol regularly, even at moderate levels, may face a heightened risk of developing heart disease. Factors such as body composition, metabolism, and hormonal differences between men and women could contribute to this contrasting impact of alcohol on heart health.
But what does this mean for the average person with a glass of wine or a beer in hand? It's important to recognize that moderation is key. While the study highlights potential risks associated with alcohol consumption, it doesn't advocate for complete abstinence. Instead, it emphasizes the importance of mindful drinking habits, especially among women.
For those who enjoy a drink, being aware of personal limits and understanding individual health factors is crucial. Regular check-ins with healthcare providers can help assess and manage any potential risks associated with alcohol consumption. Moreover, incorporating healthy lifestyle choices such as a balanced diet, regular exercise, and stress management techniques can further support heart health.
This research underscores the dynamic nature of scientific inquiry. As our understanding of health and wellness evolves, so too must our behaviors and choices. The findings serve as a reminder that no aspect of our lifestyle exists in isolation – everything from diet and exercise to social habits can influence our well-being.
While the link between alcohol and heart health may seem complex, the message is clear: moderation and awareness are paramount. By staying informed and making conscious choices, we can navigate the intricacies of our health journey with greater clarity and confidence. Let's raise a glass to heart health, with mindfulness and moderation as our guides.

Me (20) and my now ex-girlfriend (29) were together for a year (I was 19 and she was 28 when we met). We met due to studying the same course at university and we instantly hit it off. The start of our relationship was very intense. It felt perfect. We had an amazing connection, things seemed to flow so naturally, and things therefore moved very quickly. I even visited her home country and met her family after only a month of being together. We spent so much time together and we seemed perfect for each other. As a result, we both became very quickly attached to one another. Despite how perfect things were in the beginning, there were occasional glimpses of our own issues making their way into the relationship. For example, I started noticing small, sudden shifts in her moods and behaviour towards me. She was always so talkative, bubbly, and enthusiastic towards me, but there were a few instances during which she suddenly became more distant and silent, and her behaviour felt different than usual. This confused me, especially considering I didn’t know what the reason was. It left me guessing if there was perhaps a problem between us or if it was just a natural shift in her mood. Sometimes, it was due to her having a problem with me and other times it was just a natural fluctuation in her mood. However, I would always have to guess which one it was and as a result I started to become very aware of her moods and I felt like I had to start paying a lot of attention to the relationship to not accidentally upset or disappoint her in any way. When things were good between us, I rarely felt insecure, but when I suddenly started noticing shifts in her mood or behaviour towards me, I started to feel anxious and insecure.
To further elaborate, at times in the relationship, I found it difficult to read, predict, and understand her moods and her behaviour towards me: her behaviour felt inconsistent to me at times. One day she was super loving, talkative, and interested in me, and the next day it felt different. However, I didn't know if my feelings were justified or if I was simply overthinking and overanalysing her behaviour. Since she didn't tell me what was the matter even when I asked her, I was left confused and still guessing why there were these shifts in her mood.
She did tell me that she found it scary to trust others and, therefore, to be fully open with me. She told me that was why she would push me away sometimes, meaning that my feelings were not completely unjustified. She admitted herself that she could be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She was also older than me and more the independent type, and didn't always need a lot of attention, which is also an explanation for her change in behaviour. However, I didn't know that at the beginning of the relationship.
There were times where it felt like I had to follow an exact script on how to act or what to say to not upset her. She would become upset at times, because she didn’t think I appreciated her or because I didn’t give her the reaction she had in her mind. When I didn't live up to these unspoken expectations, she became more distant and silent (or even slightly pasisve aggressive), like I mentioned before. She wanted me to naturally know what she wanted, since in her mind it was obvious and she didn’t feel like she was a hard person to to read, but it wasn't obvious to me. This didn’t happen too often, but it still had an effect on me.
To give an example of how she could deal with these unspoken expectations, there was an instance when we did grocery shopping together. I paid for it at the time, but she told me to send her a payment request for half of it and when I did so a few days later, I immediately noticed a slight change in her energy towards me. When I questioned her about this, she told me that there was nothing wrong, but when I came round her place later that day. she was extremely cold and unaffectionate towards me. Her reaction was like I had cheated on her. I wasn't allowed to sit or be close to her, she was visibly upset, she wouldn't talk to me, and I had to sleep on the opposite side of the bed. I even mentioned if me sending her a payment request was an issue, but she told me that it was fine since she had told me that I could send her one. The next day she was hot and cold towards me, going from acting normally towards me to cold and distant again. Only after I became very upset and questioned her about it again did she tell me that the reason she was acting that way was because she wanted me to offer to pay for the groceries. She had paid for the groceries last time, so she wanted me to pay for them this time (I would have had no problem at all with paying, but since she told me to send her a payment request, I did). She told me that she became upset when I hadn't offered to do so naturally, which caused her to feel like I didn't appreciate or care about her enough. This was the most extreme example from our relationship, though. However, this situation caused me to lose some trust in her and her words.
Her behaviour wasn't intentional. It seemed to be due to a mix of her character and the things she had gone through in her past. It seemed like it was more of a coping/protective mechanism for her. She was aware of this, but her awareness wasn't always enough for her to cope in a different way.
In the cases where I felt like there was a shift in her behaviour, mood, or energy, it left me guessing if there was anything wrong. I had learned to associate a change in her mood as there potentially being something wrong. I was just afraid of there being a problem between us and not knowing about it, like the payment request situation (and other situations).
At times, my insecurities, anxious attachment, and my resulting codependency from this relationship significantly affected her and put a strain on the relationship. For example, there could be absolutely nothing wrong and I would create a problem out of nowhere. I was dependent on her for my happiness and if there was even a slight bit of attention focused on someone else, it would bother me. Sometimes, this would make me overly needy and controlling. This frustrated and triggered her a lot, because she also wanted to give other people attention and felt suffocated by my unreasonable demands. This was also a reoccurring pattern in the relationship.
My fear of there being a problem between us which I might not know about, my fear of not being as important to her as she was to me, and therefore, my fear of losing her became too strong at times, which caused me to become insecure and worried. Especially the times where my insecurity and worry was unjustified affected her a lot. During those times, she felt like I was causing issues for no reason and she felt upset and frustrated that, despite her giving me lots of attention the days before, I would still need reassurance and interpret her behaviour as there being something wrong between us. This made her feel drained, annoyed, suffocated, and upset.
Her reactions tended to be quite defensive and dismissive towards me. I understand her reaction, because her feelings were completely justified, but she chose to respond in those ways to vent her frustration. She would tell me that I was annoying, way too needy, that I should stop overthinking her behaviour, and that I should work on my insecurities. She was correct though. During these moments, I would become very apologetic. I just wanted things to be good between us. There were also times I felt like I was taking responsibility for things I didn't feel responsible for, just to make sure things were okay. She wasn't completely wrong regarding what she was saying to me, but it was harsh. It was absolutely not my intention to cause a problem or to frustrate or annoy her, but because it seemed to affect her enough for her to become so defensive, I thought that my behaviour was unacceptable and blamed myself a lot. I also started feeling like my feelings were completely irrational and therefore I started doubting myself more.
Therefore, at times, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was afraid of bringing up a situation in which I thought there was something wrong between us, because I was afraid of being wrong and her reactions tended to be quite defensive and dismissive. She also felt like she was walking on eggshells at times due to my tendency to overthink her behaviours. She didn’t want to cause a problem either, since even small shifts in her behaviour could worry me.
During the relationship, I could at times become jealous when I was insecure, for example when she spent time with her friends or family without me, either through texting or in real life. This would obviously frustrate her a lot and was one of the most difficult parts of the relationship for her, since she was just spending time with others and didn't see how that could be a cause of insecurity for me. I tended to be rational and calm when I was insecure or jealous, but there were occasional instances where that wasn't the case and I acted in a more passive aggressive or guilt-trippy manner. I am not usually a toxic person, but I did display some toxic behaviours at times during this relationship.
We both had past issues which we projected onto each other at times. The relationship was very intense and that meant there were also many highs and lows. We had a deep affection and care for one another and we both thought the relationship was too good to be true. For me, it felt too good to be true be in a relationship for the first time and to have a romantic experience with someone I cared so much about, because I had never experienced that before. For her, it felt too good to be true that I was so kind and caring to her, because she had never felt that before from anyone else to this extent. She had always felt let down by people before in her life and she couldn’t believe that I wasn't like them. We were both afraid of losing each other. For me, it was expressed by going above and beyond for her, a tendency to be more clingy and have a need for reassurance, wanting to always feel close and connected with her, and things like that. For her, it seemed like she could show a combination of becoming distant and pushing me away, but also becoming very vulnerable at times too and showing me lots of love and affection.
My ex told me a lot about her past trauma and how life had been quite difficult for her the past few years. Her grandmother had passed away a 6 years ago and during that time she lost her group of friends (which included her best friend) after a big conflict in which she felt unfairly treated. It seemed like she had had quite a few friendships in which she didn’t feel like her needs were being met and she tended te feel unfairly treated. It was a reoccurring theme in her life.
Her other grandmother passed away ahalf a year before we met. She didn’t really have many friendships to rely on either at that time, because she studied abroad and her friends and family were obviously not present to support her. She also struggled a lot with academic stress during our time together. She had failed a few exams and fell behind, which compounded her struggles, especially since she was still grieving the loss of her grandmother. Then, her family dog passed away very suddenly 10 months into our relationship. It felt like her dog passing away was the last drop that made the bucket overflow. She loved that dog so much and it really affected her. Her grief was very intense. These incidents played a massive role in her mood shifts, especially considering she is an emotionally sensitive person and her moods already seemed quite easily affected at times.
She wasn’t emotionally stable and her emotional regulation seemed to be lacking at times too, especially considering she was 29. I was 9 years younger than her and in general life situations, I felt like the more stable and mature person for most of the relationship. I didn’t always act that way during our conflicts, though, but in general life it seemed like I was more regulated and rational. I was also the one who tended to take on a more caretaker role in the relationship due to my codependency.
Her emotions could be intense and easily triggered by other people or life stressors. She tended to attribute her behaviour and reactions more on external factors, such as her past experiences or the bad things happening currently in her life. Of course, she did take responsibility too, but often after the fact. Initially, it always felt like the world was against her. She was often the one feeling the most hurt from her past friendships. It was hard to not feel bad for her.
As a result, during the last two months of the relationship (after her family dog passed away), her emotional instability reached its peak. It was like her world fell apart. Her moods were very up and down, and she had depressive episodes during which she broke down crying a lot. During that time, I was pretty much her only emotional support. I took care of her a lot during that period. Things became very draining for me. Towards the end, I had given everything I had for her and had put all of her needs above mine. I felt more like a parent than a boyfriend. During this difficult period, we started triggering each other more frequently. I was often worried about her well-being due to her not taking care of herself very well during this period. I was starting to find it very hard to be supportive since I had become emotionally numb around that point. I had nothing left in me anymore. When I mentioned to her that I felt drained, she would feel upset. She interpreted it as me saying that her emotions was too much and she felt invalidated. Granted, I could have worded it more clearly, but I definitely didn't say it how she interpreted it. Towards the end, my behaviour also became slightly passive aggressive and controlling/possessive at times (I told her once that it bothered me how much she was texting her friends and that I wished she would text them less), and I had made an insensitive comment. I mentioned to her that I had become slightly less attracted to her and that she had gained some weight. I had become a caretaker for her, she wasn’t really taking care of herself, and I felt like this relationship was very draining to be in, and as a result I found myself feeling slightly less attracted to her. This feeling really bothered me, because I didn't want to feel that way. I loved her and wanted to feel 100% attracted to her. I thought it would be best to simply be honest with her. However, I should have worded it differently, because it obviously hurt her a lot. I should have not made it about her attractiveness or weight. I did apologise a lot and tried to reassure her that I did still find her attractive, but the damage was already done. I meant well, but I was very naïve in thinking that bringing that up was not going to have an effect on her. That is a harsh lesson learned from my side. I still feel bad about it.
However, I also felt very unfairly treated by her during that last part of our relationship. I did so much for her during that period relationship, yet she still managed to interpret some of my behaviour as me not caring enough sometimes. She seemed to become upset more frequently about very small matters and at times it seemed like she was nit-picking problems or finding reasons to become upset at me. This resulted in her becoming distant and passive aggressive towards me. That was very frustrating and exhausting to deal with, especially when I was already starting to become emotionally drained. She would say things like “Sorry for existing then” or “I guess I’ll just stop that then” when I felt bothered by something. This was also due time her own struggles and her grief at the time, so I fully understand.
Towards the end, my needs were not getting met. I just wanted to help her through this immensely tough period and it was more important to me that her needs were met than mine. I just wanted to see her happy, because as long as she was happy, I was happy.
Overall, she was generally a very loving, funny, kind woman who obviously cared a lot for me. We created so many amazing memories together and I will never forget her or the relationship. At times, things would be absolutely perfect between us and it felt like a dream. The relationship wasn’t constantly negative. We shared periods of stability and there are many examples of times when we were able to communicate in a loving and healthy manner. We shared a real love and had an amazing connection with one another. We were together for a year so that obviously counts for something.
The relationship became unhealthy for both of us, especially towards the end. There were toxic behaviours from both sides rooted in our own issues. However, there were also periods of stability and calm. It wasn't always a constant rollercoaster. Looking back, I believe we we did share more good memories with each other than bad ones, but in the end the relationship seemed to reach a point beyond repair. She felt very drained by my constant overthinking, and my insecurity and jealousy. She felt like she had to constantly prove herself as a result, which upset her a lot. She already had her own struggles and it seemed like my insecurities became too much for her and that the relationship became too unhealthy and upsetting towards the end. This was my experience so it will undoubtedly be biased in some ways. However, it is still a valid experience and I have tried to acknowledge her side as well.

I've been recently (finally) updating an old codebase to use the latest libraries and null-safety. One of the oddities I came across was updating Moor to Drift/DriftSqflite. Before I could have something like this (apologies for the pseudo code, but you'll get the point):

List

Basically, the nice thing was that you have a single DB object that was easy to handle. However, with the split to companion objects, the above has become pretty messy. If there is an insert, you have to create a companion object, if the data already exists, you have to use the db object (so far, so good). However, now, if you want to use that object downstream (e.g. the stream controller in the example above), you have two different objects and classes to deal with and two options, both of which seem pretty bad:

1. change all downstream code to use companion objects and then convert the db object to companion with the .toCompanion() method. That seems like a nightmare because now all field uses downstream require adding `.value` everywhere etc. And, tbh, it just seems wrong to use companion objects for that reason.
2. you make an extra db call to retrieve the db object you just created with the companion object = an extra, unnecessary db call.

I just can't wrap my head around why two different types of classes exist (short of null-safety for the id field) when there is a single underlying data model, especially since you can only convert these two objects in one direction.
Has anyone else run into this? Are there good coding patterns to follow that work around this problem? Thank you!

A British gentleman in the late 1800's was born to a poor family but through grit and determination begged, borrowed and stole his way to financial success. Always obsessed with climbing the social ladder he even courted then married a woman from a rich family. Through her family he was able to get into a very prestigious gentlemen's club where he could rub elbows with wealthiest of wealthy. He knew this was one of his best opportunities because for all his hustle he knew he wasn't what was considered "old money" and thus never able to rise higher than he was.
One night while at the club he overhears some gentleman talking. One tells a story of going on an African safari where he killed a lion, the head of which he had mounted and placed in his study. A second gentleman mentions a trip to the Yukon to investigate their gold prospecting operation and while there he downed a large elk whose antlers he mounted above the fireplace in his living room. A third gentleman tells a story about going to their estate in India where he killed a tiger from the back of an elephant and had it made into a rug he put in his bedroom.
Our British gentleman hears these stories and realizes that to keep up appearances he will need to take an excursion and down some sort of big game himself. So he makes arrangements, getting supplies and chartering a ship to Africa. Once arriving he finds a guide who speaks English and some other men to carry his belongings and they make their way into the dark jungle.
As they trek through the jungle, cutting down the heavy foliage with machetes, they begin to hear a sound in the distance. As the get further in the British gentleman begins to make out that it's the sound of drumming, and assumes that it's some local tribe having some sort of celebration, and as his companions don't seem concerned he assumes it's not something that will become an issue.
As they progress through the jungle and the day becomes late the drumming has increased in volume and intensity. After making camp and preparing their meals the Englishman is getting a bit nervous and asks the guide if the drumming is something they should be concerned with. The guide waves a hand and says "Not to worry. The only time to worry is if the drumming stops."
During the next day as they make their way through the jungle the drumming continues to intensify. By the time they make their camp on the second night the drumming has grown so loud that it's drowning out every other noise in the jungle. No birds, insects, nothing can be heard.
Very suddenly, the drumming stops, absolutely stone cold silence. The Englishman bolts up frantically grabbing the guide and asks "That's bad isn't it? You said the drumming stopping was bad!?"
The guide shakes his head and says "It's absolutely terrible. It means it's time for the accordion solo."

[currently on episode 8]
My two cents on events and the people -
— Courtney & Aiden I liked how Aiden treated Lebo a lot. Courtney was just a mystery. I feel like these two didn't get a lot of screen time but it could also be because there was no/little drama. Didn't get good vibes from Courtney after they moved back. The "dude" thing was very off putting. Aiden seems like a nice guy, but he's indecisive and unemployed. Why does Courtney want to marry him if she's looking for stability? They don't even look like they're crazy in love or something.
— Khanya A lot to say about her. This is a long one. She was abusive in many ways. However, (unpopular opinion coming), I don't think that the points that she was making were unreasonable. It was her way of doing it.
Example 1, when she met Isaac's friends and they started asking her about why Isaac hasn't been eating well when there's a woman in the house. I would not entertain that sexist BS either. That was out of line. This made Isaac get on her nerves about dishes. Yes, I personally like things clean BUT we're all different people. In an ideal scenario, yes the dishes would be done when you're living with someone BUT these people are all strangers and I wouldn't be doing my chores on someone else's time especially if they're being an ass to me. The whole "what do you bring to the table" thing was also crazy for me for because 1. It's not a job interview and 2. They barely knew each other. He could've asked her anything like "what are some aspects you're trying to work on? Or what do you think works in your relationships?" Anything. Endless possibilities. And he chose the stupidest question.
Example 2, the siza, nkateko, and her scene. Uhfff. There was too much rage in that scene and it was hard to watch. I'm sure everyone understands how badly khanya behaved there but I'll play the devil's advocate for a second. Siza, while seems like a really nice person, has some issues to deal with with her laughing situation, because when you laugh in front of (or worse, AT) an angry person, it tends to agitate them further. Because it's not funny. Be an adult for a second and recognise that this is a serious situation. I understand that laughing is a coping mechanism for some people but it's not always perceived well. Two, Khanya was in fact right for establishing boundaries. Like hello, you showed up unannounced in someone else's house. Nkateko did the same thing. Just barged in like he owned th house with no regard to the othe person living in the house. Where are your manners? Idk if this is a cultural thing because everyone kept going to everyone's house without notice, just randomly showing up. I don't get it.
Lastly, I understand that a lot of people might not agree with me here but I'm trying to understand why Khanya behaved that way. She is a strong woman who's not afraid to speak her mind and society doesn't always take that well. Clearly, Isaac's mom hated her and I see that their culture treats men and woman differently. This is not to take away from the fact that she was abusive and escalated situations that could've been handled better.
— Ruth, Isaac, Nolla, Lebo Lebo's a gem and I hope she blocked Nolla from her life. Period. Nolla, doesn't deserve any attention. Ruth, love that she's unapologetic about her actions. She knows what she wants and she's not afraid to ask for it. Deserves muchhhhhh better than Isaac and def Nolla. Isaac, man, get off your high horse. There's some deeply ingrained gender superiority in that man. I have a bad feeling about him.
— Sizakele & Lindile This couple is a question mark for me. Like why come to a show like this when you've only been together for 6 months? Also, the whole gift thing, Siza again just randomly showed up at someone's house and ruined their evening. Like stop going to other people's houses. It's not wrong to speak your mind, but there is a time and place for it, ideally arranged in advance, agreed by both parties.
— Thabi, Genesis, Lindile Genesis looked a bit hurt but I liked how he was dealing with things. Showed maturity. Thabi and Lindile really got along well I think. The Love triangles are messy, def not as bad as the other couples tho. At least they're keeping it civil. I feel like these 3 people at least seem aware that they are on television while the others seem to have forgotten this liittle detail.
In conclusion - I didn't understand why they were trying to replace their partners permanently. The idea is to work on your issues and go back to your OG partner. While there's always room for feelings to develop, it's like no one really spoke about their old partners with the idea of working on their relationships with them. I think they completely missed the point of the show here, but in the drama department, the season was on point!! It was a bit too intense honestly. Could've held back a lil and I never thought I'd say that for the ultimatum/lib producers lol.

I (22f) black, used to be in a really abusive relationship and I feel like it changed me for the worst. In my childhood I was abused by some of the men in my family and I feel like I subconsciously started to have an aversion towards men that were black.
While in a relationship with my abusive ex boyfriend, I began to be called names. Whenever I would get angry, he would taunt me and say “you’re just acting like a typical black girl”, he would say the N word with hard r, he would tell his friends “you can do better than her”.
Let’s not forget when I would bring up slavery or emitt till they would tell me to get over it. I would agree with them and move on, but I knew that was never how I truly felt.
As a result of me being sexually abused as a child and getting into a relationship with my abusive ex boyfriend, I began to lash out and join racist discord servers to make myself feel better, but that’s not me and it never will be me.
The good thing is, my current white husband never enabled my toxic behavior and even thought it was weird that I was in a racist discord server. The bad news is, I did eventually change as a person as a result of being abused. I became a hurt person and I hurt other people.
I know therapy is a start, but how do I get over becoming this person due to trauma?
I may have also picked up on some narcissistic tendencies while being with my ex, how do I become the person I once was before?

I had 4 dates with a guy, him 62(M) Me 59(F) conversation was effortless, felt a mutual attraction, a lot in common. Date 1) 4 hours of stimulating conversation. Date 2, lovely dinner date, another 4 hour date. Date 3, a day road trip 9 hours, very fun, great conversation. Date 4, sensed the tone was different. We met at one of our mutually favorite restaurants, at 4 pm and had tickets to a film festival at 7pm, that I purchased in advance, about $70. He had paid for everything on our 3 previous dates. I thought we might have an app or dinner. I was hungry. He bought us each a drink but was making no effort to order anything else. Finally I said do you like calamari and I got up and went to order some (this is a unique place where you order at the bar and they bring it to you). The line for food was now very long (no line when we arrived). So I just got us a couple of drinks and brought them back to the table. We went to the film festival. He bought us popcorn to share. It’s been over a week and I have not heard from him. I am just back dating after a 10 year hiatus (you read that right). I had been very hurt by my last 2 long term relationships. Have dated 6 different men through OLD since getting back out there(1 - 2 dates) each. With each person, I let them know kindly and tactfully that I didn’t feel a connection and wished them well. They were all appreciative of my honesty and candor. I thought when the situation was reversed, I would be met with the same respect. I am feeling so rejected and hurt. I don’t understand. Men still ghost women at age 62. How do you frame something like this? Feeling like I don’t even want to try any longer and angry at myself for allowing this to derail my self confidence. (Just feel I should add that we didn’t have sex and merely ended date 2-4 with a good night kiss).

For context: I started therapy nearly five years ago - I’d recently left an abusive relationship and was in the middle of another one (which I did not realise at the time). I had a lot of trauma from the previous relationship and was in a place of co-dependency and needing men’s validation to feel worthy and alive, and accepted awful treatment in search of that. I left my second abusive relationship during these five years and have now been single for nearly four years.
I’ve been dating in that time but nothing has ever stuck. In yesterday’s session I explained why yet another ‘thing’ had ended and I said to my therapist, ‘I’m not going to beg someone to be who I need them to be, or chase a relationship out of fear of being alone. If they can’t meet my needs and I keep feeling disappointed, I’m out -‘ or to that effect. She was grinning at me like a proud mum and I asked why she was smiling and she said, ‘It’s just so great to hear you say this. Who is this person? Because it isn’t ‘(name we assigned to traumatised and insecure me).’
I still keep thinking about it because this is just my mindset now, but on reflecting, I realised I NEVER would have ended something that was disappointing me a year - or two years - ago. I’d keep chasing and hoping and giving chances until I was broken. And I’d find myself with abusive and avoidant men because I kept following the same pattern.
It’s taken a long time, and we’ve done a lot of digging and painful work, and I’ve questioned whether it’s working or if it’s taking ‘too long’ or if I should give up. But yesterday showed me that it has all been worth it and that my therapist is the most patient, wonderful person. And when she told me ‘it’s slow, but it’s going in the right direction,’ she was right.
So, if you feel like your therapy isn’t working or it’s taking ‘too long’ and you haven’t ’seen results’ - don’t give up 💖 and if anyone has stories similar to mine, I’d love to hear them!

Yes, I know there are a thousand threads about the same thing, but as I understand, karmic relationships ends, that obsession similar to that of the twin, ends up disappearing, not as in the case of the twins that "evolves" and becomes something better.
I, at this point, I am almost sure that if there is any union between us it is karmic, but I would like to see your points of view, because it is true that I am unable to abandon that obsession for her and I do not think she has any more lesson to teach me, nor more karma to pay, at least with her, so I would not fit exactly with a karmic relationship.
I will just point out a few key points for you to judge the nature of the connection.
She was the one who told me that she was convinced that I was her twin soul(I didn't even know about these concepts, nor had I ever hinted anything like that to her before) although she then dumped me just a month later, based on her supposed perception of what I was like, of course from that point on, she also dropped the idea that I was her twin soul and said it was all a mistake, and only happened and told me those things because she was in a bad place in her life.
It's also true that I was chasing her for too long and making a fool of myself and embarrassing myself continuously, every day for months, which sure didn't help.
The funny thing is that it took so little time to her to pair up with others men, and just 2 months later she already find one for a serious relationship,with whom she has been in a relationship for almost a year now, after breaking up with me.
This last year, for me has been absolute hell on all levels, not only have I not solved the problems I had before I met her, but they are worse than ever, I don't think I have grown spiritually or become a better human being.
She, on the contrary, seems to be fulfilling many of her dreams and to be in a relationship which fills her and makes her deeply happy, also she seems to have left behind certain problems and seems to be growing a lot emotionally and spiritually.
So I ask myself, what is this? I can't believe it's a twin flame relationship, as I don't see how her behavior can be twin flame, surely mine can't either.
But I don't see that it can be a karmic relationship either, what lesson exactly does God, the universe or whoever the fuck it is have to teach me with this? That I am a crazy person obsessed with someone who probably just used me? Because that's all I feel, there's no lesson to take from all this suffering other than don't trust anything or anyone, and I don't think a higher force would bother to teach such crap.
I await your answers friends, best regards.

I just found out about this right now so im gonna type as fast as possible cuz i might not get the chance to get on here later, im (15F) and lesbian, my parents found out back around 2022 by going through my discord dms with a bunch of my girl AND guy friends, they were actually lenient unlike most other parents they grounded me and my dad threatend to beat me and stuff but my mom held him back and they told me to never do this again and stuff. so the rules were like no discord no tiktok no online friends yk, my mom told me why being gay is bad and stff nad i convinced her it was just a phase. i got more secretive with my friends after i got my stuff back but they accidentally found out again because one of my friends posted in a server my mom was in about me being back, so my mom literally took my laptop from my hands and read throuhg it. this was last year around may. my mom told me that if this happens again my dad WILL kill me beacuse thats how men are and stuff and she wont be able to do anything. everything was fine until this week, we have finals so my moms been taking my phone and stuff going through it making sure i study. im not SURE but i opened my tiktok to find myself logged out and some of my dms are opened even tho i didnt open them, to make it worse i think my mom saw my discord acc from my sisters acc. if this is true then next week something bad might happend and i might have to run away. i really dont know what to do and i would like some advice or just words of comfort?? i have a friend irl who knows about all this and i can rely on her but thats all idek if id be able to stay with her. :/ i rlly dont wanna die im only 15