Does anyone here have an extreme eyeglasses prescription? I'm wondering how much to budget for glasses with eyes that are -11
In the U.S., when you order extreme glasses it takes about a month for them to arrive, and they cost somewhere between $600 to $1,000.
How does it work in NZ? We'll be in Christchurch if that matters

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sorry for the long post
We were in a long-distance relationship, and at some point, she became quite cold and distant. However, at the time, I didn't care much, as giving her love was enough for me. One day, she asked for a break, which eventually led to a breakup because she couldn't deal with the distance. I respected her decision, but it really hurt and broke me.
Afterward, she expressed a desire to try to fix things and be together. However, her idea of fixing things was merely saying "I love you" instead of addressing the underlying issues. I was still hurt during this time, which eventually led to her initiating another breakup, citing the distance and how different I had become. Again, I respected her wish and supported her throughout the breakup, reassuring her that everything would be fine and that I'm always there for her, although she never did the same or even check if I was okay.
We agreed to go no-contact (she wanted this and that we also unfollowed each other on social media). However, when she found out that I had become friends with a girl, she returned, feeling hurt, and demanded I cut ties with this new friend, which I did. I spent the entire day apologizing to her. Yet, when I showed her the messages where I cut ties, she became angry, said hurtful things, and then blocked me.
I reconnected with the girl, and we remained friends until my ex unblocked me and continued hurling hurtful remarks. Despite my efforts to remain calm, I reached my limit and began expressing how she was the one who ruined everything. This made her cry and apologize, expressing a desire to fix things before cutting contact again. However, I was drained and tired at this point and just wanted it all to end, so I refused and decided to cut contact.
A day later, she asked if the girl and I were still friends, and when I confirmed, she didn't respond. Throughout this period, she was talking negatively about me on social media. Weeks later, she began posting frequently about a new guy who was apparently great and kind to her (while still saying how shitty of a person I was), while I was still grappling with heartbreak and grief. To be honest, it feels kinda unfair how easy it is for her despite everything. Was I even bad to her in any way?

This whole situation with Coinbase has been a nightmare. A few years ago, I convinced my parents to invest in Bitcoin, a significant amount for our family. Initially, I used Binance for them, but eventually, I moved it to a Coinbase account thinking it would be more secure (huge mistake in hindsight). Since they're not very tech-savvy, a personal wallet wasn't an option, and I was worried about potential tax implications if I transferred the funds to my own wallet. It's important to note that they are Spanish citizens living in Spain.
In May 2022, I transferred their funds from Binance to Coinbase. Late last year, my father started receiving emails from Coinbase asking to verify his account. Unfortunately, they ended up in his spam folder and went unnoticed. These emails were in English, which he doesn't understand, so he didn't think much of them.
Last Sunday, May 12th, my father informed me that his Coinbase account showed a zero balance for Bitcoin (BTC). Initially, I thought he might be looking at the wrong place, but no. Their account had been drained on May 10th, and all the Bitcoin was gone. Panicked, I suspected we might have been hacked. I tried logging into their account from my PC but it was blocked.
Yesterday, I spent over five hours on the phone with Coinbase customer service. Here's a summary:

• They closed my parents' account because my father failed to verify it. Recovering the account took around two hours.
• Coinbase claims the account was established with Coinbase Kenya Ascending Markets, even though all provided documentation is Spanish, and the account was opened on Coinbase.es
• Coinbase liquidated the cryptocurrency in my parents account, converting it to US dollars and sending those funds to the State of Wyoming (remember, we're in Spain, Europe!), only two days after the bitcoin were withdrawn from my parent's account.
• Their solution? To deal directly with Wyoming's Unclaimed Property Division.
• There's a website to check for unclaimed assets, but it shows nothing with my father name, and calls to Wyoming's Unclaimed Property Division go unanswered.

This entire ordeal has been incredibly stressful for me and my parents.
I apologize for the typos.
Similar story: https://www.reddit.com/CoinBase/comments/1crhva1/after_2_months_of_trying_to_unblock_my_account_i/

I’m visiting NZ from Canada and didn’t have the foresight to book time off work and get myself down to Christchurch this weekend to watch the Black Ferns play Canada. I just saw an ad at the gym that the game is televised and I’m wondering if anyone knows of any sports bars, preferably in the CBD or Te Aro, that will put this on. Better yet, maybe there’s some kind of viewing event. Not sure how much of a crowd televised women’s rugby brings in, so any insight is appreciated! Thank you in advance!

In dire need of help from someone who can give advice - give a legal direction😭 the unit downstairs is leaking and hence a plumber was sent out to my unit by the real state agent to check it out(he was to look at my unit and the unit below).He asked if everything is okay and I advised that the shower is a bit slow in draining and I use regular coles draino to unblock it every now and then. He did his stuff, told me there was excessive hair in the shower, went to the unit downstairs and never came back. Now the real state agent wants to send me the invoice for the shower unblocking because I caused the “excessive hair blockage”. I rent, I never asked the plumber to come and take a look or fix this - the main issue was for the unit downstairs that the plumber was sent out.
Please advise. I told the real state agent that I won’t be paying cause I did not ask for this service

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Our Local Emergency Plumbers in Norwich are ready to offer you high-quality, fast and professional services day and night, within 30 minutes. With years of experience in the plumbing trade, our local plumbers in Norwich provide full plumbing repairs, maintenance and emergency services for residential & commercial customers in Norwich. From problems like leaks, pipe replacements to installations on your kitchen or bathroom. We also do drain unblocking if you have a drain that flowing slowly or completely blocked.
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Hello! I'm planning a trip to NZ for the first time and have quite a few questions - would appreciate any past experiences! Flying into CHC and picking up a rental car from there, the itinerary is generally geared towards an inland + west coast route, wont be describing too much details but rather just the area.
Day 1: Collect car rental + spend day/night in Christchurch to recover from jet lag and explore the city
Day 2: Head over to Lake Tekapo, checking out Geraldine along the way (and Mt John). Spend the night here.
Day 3: Drive up to Hooker Valley / Mount Cook, hike and perhaps a quick drive to Tasman Glacier if time permits. Overnight either here or head back to Day 2's accommodation
Day 4: Drive down to Queenstown, checking out Lake Pukaki/Ohau, and Clay cliffs along the way. Overnight here.
Day 5 + 6: Either drive straight to Milford sound for the day cruise, or to Te Anau first and spend a day+night there before heading into Milford sound the next day. If direct to Milford i'll "gain" a free day/night.
Day 7: Head back up towards Wanaka and explore the town. Overnight here.
Day 8: Gear towards west coast and spend the day in Haast - blue pools, hikes, etc. Overnight here.
Day 9: Head up to Franz Josef for glaciers. Overnight here.
Day 10: Head back to CHC, either via a 5-6 hour drive or take the Tranzalpine train from Greymouth. Spend 1 more night in Christchurch before leaving the next day.

• Is there too much driving and not sufficient time catered for exploring? (most of these areas are allocated only 1 day, inclusive of driving there)
  
• Would you recommend spending a day/night in Te Anau?
  
• Any experiences with the Tranzalpine train?
  
• Are petrol kiosks availability something i need to plan for?
  
• Any other general feedback is appreciated!
  

Sorry for formatting, on mobile…
Hello fellow humans of NZ :)
I’m currently under CADS for substance use and have been referred to a public funded facility in Auckland for an 18 week stay. However due to my own circumstances (have always struggled with ADHD, eating disorders, drug use isn’t particularly dire right now but I’m falling down a slippery slope).
I am fully aware jobseeker isn’t meant to be used for my situation but that is what my GP has done for me in the interim, via medical exemption. I’ve worked and contributed to society for 15 years since uni and I’m pretty embarrassed to be a drain on the taxpayer purse. I’m also shocked at how difficult it has been to get the help I’m so desperately wanting.
There a bit of debate amongst my care team. (GP, Counsellor, psychiatrist, and family) as to what type of treatment and setting is right for me..
It seems the best option is for me to go to a private program for more personalised care (e.g. The Retreat or Capri) but I only have $8,000 available to fund it myself (selling my car and a little bit of savings). I’m looking at $20,000 - $40,000 to find my care fully for 2-3 months. Ballpark. Not sure if MSD benefit can contribute to that at all..?
I have 2 questions I’m afraid to ask in case I ruin my future or get laughed at or get a black mark on my record. Please don’t judge me…
Also assuming I’d be on a MSD benefit (residential support subsidy?) or would private mean I’d stay on jobseeker with medical exemption? Or get nothing?
1) does anyone here have experience with withdrawing KiwiSaver to cover rehab for substance addiction?
(I’m hoping it would I be considered the same as any medical condition, eg they would allow it the same as if someone wanted to withdraw for non-PHARMAC funded cancer treatment?)
I’m aware KiwiSaver isn’t meant to act as insurance, but the system is really limited as to options publicly. I’m not willing to let my parents draw off the mortgage and go into debt to help me pay for this. Nor do I want to ruin my life even further with a huge debt. If I can use my own KiwiSaver funds for this I want to…
2) I’m lucky enough to have private health insurance. My Southern Cross policy (well-being 2 + day to day and vision/dental) includes a benefit of $3,500 for psychiatric hospitalisation in a private facility. I can’t find any providers on their search tool.
Anyone know if this can be claimed, or perhaps it’s not worth it due to ramifications on future premiums/conditions being imposed at renewal?
FWIW I know the KiwiSaver withdrawal process having successfully done it before (root canal and crown). It was long process and lots of docs etc. hardest part was waiting to get the money while in pain lol.

I was doing quest to rescue esbern and i just had constant bugs whith this particular npc ,first when i entered sky temple Delpine wouldnt walk throgh the staircase and so she wasnt starting conversation with Esbern ,i went put waited 24 hours went back and quest went as normal ,than i have to find an elder scroll and optionally i could speak with Esbern or Arngeir and here it goes when i approached Esbern he would just say "you need to speak up im a little bit deaf" and no dilogue would pop up than i fast traveled to high hothgar (as i tryied Esbern multiple times) ,the whole screen whent black ,
this is not only issue with the dialouges i got another was when i couldnt buy vigilance becouse option wasnt showing ,and a lot of times i have to restart game if i want my followers to "wait here" becouse the dialoug3s not showing ,i can drop my LO ,but i got around 270 mods the next mod i install will swich off mod at the bottom of my LO ,
im thinking could this be caused by gdo and skyrim reputation ? I got both of them (skyrim reputation 40 mb version i belive thats the updated one) honestly i done that quest it took couple restarts and i wasnt able to do it through Esbern bur what is the couse of it ? I havent had many problems before i started quests with the blades
Edit: here is my LO
USSEP
SIMPLE WORKAROUND FRAMEWORK
REALISTIC EQUIPMENT - AE
JUST SHIELDS (ON BACK) - AE
EXTRA RANKS FOR AUGUMENTED DESTRUCTION PERKS
COMBAT REGEN TWEAKS
QOL AND BUG FIX COMPILATION
GUARD DIALOGUE OVERHAUL (XB1)
SKYRIM REPUTATION - MYSTERIOUSLY FIXED, PATCHED & IMPROVED
SKYRIN REPUTATION MFP& COMFIGURATION MENU
TK INTERFACE OVERHAUL - BETA
ELDEN SCROLLS UI
TAOS: THE ART OF SMITHING (XBOX ONE)
SMITHING XP
INCREASED MINING
DISPLAY ENHANCEMENTS (XB1)
[XB1] DYNAMIC CAMERA
[XB1] RICH MERCHANTS OF SKYRIM SPECIAL EDITION
SMART NPC 0OTIONS - ENEMIES USE POTIONS AND POISONS
HAND PLACED ENEMIES - MORE POPULATED SPAWNS DUNGEONS AND POIS
ENEMY REINFORCEMENTS (FIXED)
ARCH ENEMIES - DIFFICULT BOSSES AND UNIQUE ENCHANTMENTS
REAL BOSSES
REAL BOSSES - HARDCORE
THE SWORD OF THE DAM***
BLEACH ZENGETSU ALL FORMS 1K
TAOS: EXTRA CRAFTABLES (XBOX ONE)
CRAFTABLE UNENCHANTED DAEDRIC ARTIFACTS
CRAFTABLE CROSSBOWS AND BOLTS - STANDARD VER
CRAFTABLE CHARACTER GEAR XB1
SICARIUS ARMOR - BLACK VARIANT
REINFORCED EBONY ARMOR
CONTRACTOR ARMOR 1K
ELEMENTAL VISION OF SKYRIM - CRAFTABLE
DAEDRIC CLOAKS
WEIGHTLESS
WEIGHTLESS DRAGONBORN
WEIGHTLESS HEARTFIRE
TRUE MASTER TRAINERS
[XB1]TRAINING LEVEL LIMIT
TRAINING DUMMIES AND TARGETS [XB1]
MAGIC SCALES WITH LEVEL
VORTIKAIS DRAGON ASPECT TOGGLE - MAGIC AND SHOUT BUFFS
GRAPPLING SHOUT
KAIOKEN SHOUT (GOKU VOICE)
UNLIMITED WEREWOLF
WEREWOLF - POWER
[XBOX ONE] WEREWOLF PERKS EXPANDED
SIMPLE WEREWOLF ABILITY BOOST [XB1]
VAMPIRE LORD OVERHAUL: 1K KYNREEVE RED GLOW ARMOR NEW HAIR RED RUNES
ARCANE ACCESSORIES ABSORB & VAMPIRE TWEAKS [XB1]
VAMPIRE LORD - INVENTORY, FLIGHT, AND 60 PERKS
TREEBALANCE - COMBO PACK [XB1]
SHOUT PERKS
EXTRA POWERFUL MARKSMAN PERKS XB1
[XB1] FISTS OF STEEL - ADDITIONAL RANKS FOR THE SISTS OF STEEL PERK
IMPROVED MAGIC [XB1]
POWERED DESTRUCTION [XB1]
AUGMENTED DESTRUCTION
PHENDRIX MAGIC EVOLVED
YS SPELL TWEAKS
ENHANCED NIGH VISIIN SPELL TOME (XBOX1)
VAMPIRE SPELLS
[XO] VAMPIRIC DRAIN RANGE
BETTER VAMPIRIC DRAIN
PHENDRIX DEAD THRALL
GROUND DRAGON - DRAGONREND SPELL
LEVITATE SPELL - SKYRIM
DECAPITATION SPEL
WOOD'S SPARK OF DESTRUCTION
ONE HANDED MASTER SPELLCASTING SE
DRAGONBALL TRANSFORMATIONS PACK
DRAGONBALL SPELL PACK
[XO][VO]VAMPIRIC DRAIN DESTRUCTION NOVICE AND XP FIX
HOLY WARDS BY BANJO BUNNY
DRAKONS WARD ENCHANTMENT
BATTLE WARDS - WARD WHEN YOU BLOCK!
SKYLAND BITS AND BOBS - CLUTTER OVERHAUL
SKYLAND AIO
DAVES UFHD MOINTAINS
SMIM CHAIN MESHES ONLY
NORTHERN ROADS 1K
NORTHERN ROADS & BLENDED ROADS PATCH
DIVINE TEXTURE PACK - TREES
DIVINE FORESTS
DIVERGENCE - LUXURIANT 2 - PLANTS - PERFORMANCE
VEYDOSEBROM - GRASSES AND GROUNDCOVER - NORMAL VERSION
LANDSCAPE FIXES FOR GRASS MODS
NORTHERN ROADS & LANDSCAPE FIXES FOR GRASS MODS PATCH
JUST ICE - 1K
BETTER DYNAMIC SNOW V2.11(SMIM)
NORTHERN ROADS & BETTER DYNAMIC SNOW PATCH
IA92'S REALISTIC RAIN (XBOX1)
REALISTIC CLOUDS - IMMERSIVE EDITION
SUPREME AND VOLUMETRIC FOG [XB1]
SKYLAND ENCHANTING TABLES
DIVERGENCE - BLACKSMITH - 1K
DIVERGENCE - THE PHILOSOPHERS PROPERTY - SPELL TOMES - 512
RABBIT AND DEAD HANGING RABIT REPLACER WITH FEED RABITS
ANIMATED FORGE WATER ( NORMAL VERSION) BY WSKSKEEVER
NO SUNLIGHT THROUGHT MOUNTAINS
SPARKLING TORCHBUGS
NARUTO ULTIMATE OVERHAUL
CBBE (CURVY)
BETTER MALE PRESETS [XB1]
LOVERBOY DEFAULT 1K
(BLACK) EYEBROWS BY DDSWORKSHOP
SUPERIOR LORE FRIENDLY HAIR
NINETIETHTRAINS KS HAIR PICKS
AFT AE
REMOVE FOLLOWER LEVEL CAP
DIVERGENCE - VANILLA + CREATION CLUB - AIO - 1K-512
DIVERGENCE CUBE MAPS
BLACK AND GOLD EBONY ARMOR RETEXTURE (XB1)
BLACK AND GOLD EBONY WEAPOS (XB1)
COIN POUCH RETEXTURE - BLACK
LANDLORD [XB1]
WEARAVLE LANTERNS [XB1]
IMPROVED UNIQUE ARTIFACRS [XB1]
IMPROVED DAEDRIC ARTIFACRS [XB1]
EBONY BLADE USELESS NO MORE
DIVINE DAEDRIC DAWNBREAKER (RED GLOSSY WORDING)[XB1] BY LUPUS HEGEMONIA
IMPROVED DIVINE AMULET AND BLESSING
DIVERSE DIVIBE AMULET AND ENCHANMENTS
BLACK LEATHER SEATH - A LEATHER SEATH REPLACER
GENUINE GIANTS
DIVERGENCE - COMPENDUM OF BEATS - ANIMUCULI - 1K
LUMINOUS ATRONACHS
TOUGHER NAMED DRAGONS
ERSO ENHANCED MIGHTY DRAGONS - NIGHTMARE VERSIKN
GAME OF THRONES AND HOUSE OF THE DRAGON - VANILLA DRAGONS REPLACER - 1K -512
GOT HOTD - DIVERSE DRAGONS 512
[XB1] GOT HOTD - OPTIONAL FILE "BLOOD MESHES HIDDEN"
GOT HOTD - SKELETAL DRAGON AND UNDERSKIN 1K
[XB1] HOTD - GOT SKELETON EDIT VERSION 2 ( BIGGER HEAD)
[XB1] DRAGON ANIMATION REPLACE SE - WITH STANDING BREATH OPTION
HOTKEY CONTROLLR - UPDATED (BY DADDYMCHUGENUTS)
A QUALITY WORLD MAP - CLEAR MAP SKIES [XB1]
PASTEL MAP MARKERS [XB1]
SUMMER MYST - ENCHANTMENTS OF SKYRIM [XB1]
SUMMERMYST ENCHANTMENTS CHESTS
[PATCH] SUMMERMYST (ON BACK AND ON LEFT)
FORTIFY DESTRUCTION ENCHANTMENT
SUMMERMYST - LEVELED LIST FIXES
SUMMERMYST ENCHANTMENTS - GUARANTEED LOCATIONS
VAE3 - VISUAL ANIMATED ENCHANTS 2-023
VAE2SUMMERMYST PATCH
PARAPHERNALIA REALISTIC MAGIC (NO GRAVITY)
IMMERSIVE SPELL EFFECTS EMIT LIGHT
3D CASTING FX - FIRE AND FROST HAND FX REPLACER BY ARCTAL
VISUAL MASTER SPELLS
STRANGE RUNES LITE
REALISTIC AI DETECTION LITE [XB1]
IMMERSIVE RAGON SOUNDS -IDS- (ENIGMA REMASTER)
SAO- BATTLE MUSIC
SEKIRO SOULS SFX
AIRGETLAM -MODERN MAGIC SOUNDS REWORK-
LEVEL UP IN SILENCE
REALISTIC WEAPON PLACEMENT (CLOAD EDITION)
VISIBLE FAVORITED GEAR
SKYSA - OLIVER KENJUTSU
SEKIRO COMBAT S - WITH ENEMY COMBAT INTEGRATION
GDB ANIMATION PACK (EDGEMASTER-MAIN)
GDB ANIMATION PACK (VIKINGS)
GDB ANIMATION PACK (SEKIRO)
DYNAMIC COMBAT FOR SKYSA
SKYSA DUAL WIELD AND PARRYING SIMPLIFIED
CINEMATIC DRAGON SOUL ABSORPTION -(NO SCREAM/FLOATING ANIMATION)
NEW ANIMATION FOR MAGIC CASTING SSE
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (UNARMED)
SMOOTH JUMP ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (DUAL WIELD)
SMOOTH BOW SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH BLOCK ANIMATION REPLACER
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (GREATSWORD)
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (WARHAMMEBATTLEAXE)
SMOOTH SPRINT ANIMATION REPLACER (1H)
VIOLENS - A KILLMOVE MOD SE [XB1]
AMAZING RACE TWEAKS! NORD [XB1]
THE UNKNOWN
SUPER FAST GET UP ANIMATION
SNIPER - ADD DAMAGE BONUS
BNP WEREWOLF EYES - BLUE
ENEMY HEALTH INDICATORS
[XB1] SUPER SIMPLE LOCK BASH
REALISTIC CONVERSATIONS ( XB1 )
FAST TRAVEL TO CITIES FROM START[XB1]
INSTANT FAST TRAVEL
NO PLAYER FALL DAMAGE
NO STAGGER WHILE CASTING
DUALCAST REBALANCE [XBOX]
DRAGON SOULS TO ATTRIBUTES XB1
10 HEALTH PER LEVEL (XB1)
PERK POINTS AT SKILL LEVELS 50-75-100
PERK POINTS AND MORE GOLD FOR BOINTY QUESTS (XB1)
FAST BEAST PERKS XB1
50 PCT MORE PERK POINTS [XB1]
PERK POINT AWARDS
SKILL INCREASE STATS - UPDATE
QUEST AWARD PERK POINTS
[XB1] TRULY ABSORB DRAGON SOULS - HEAVY BY ADVENTURERX
VANILLA - MESSEGEBOX FIX
PICKPOCKET 100
ITEM SORTING
GRITTY PALADIN POTION
WARBIRDS DRASTIC DRAGON LOOT
MORE LOOS [XB1]
CIVIL WAR CHAMPIONS CLOAK FIX
ACTIKN BASED PROJECRILES + AE PATCHES
[XB1] PROPER AIMING
NORMAL MAGICA REGEN IN COMBAT
IMMORTAL DEAGONBORN
FAIR DRAUGIR SHOUTS
DRAGONS USE THUUM
DRAGKNS USE THUUM SHOUT REMOVER PATCH
Q DAY DRAGON RESPAWN
BIJIN AIO
BIJIN AIO & USSEP PATCH
ARVAK ENCHANCED [XB1]
MEEKO AND VIGILANCE ARE HUSKIES
WOLFES OF SKYRIM
DRAGONBORN CASTLE
TNF SKYRIM HOUSE REMODEL
[XB1] NO WORLD BORDERS
LESS INTERIOR FOG
DRAGONS FROM THE START
ELEMENTAL FURY FIX
DBZ TELEPORT
[XB1]UNLIMITED RINGS AND AMULETS
UNLIMITED SHOUTING (XB1)
UNLIMITED SUMMONS
ENLIMITED ENCHANTMENTS
ALL ARMOR LOOTABLE
NO HELMET REQUUIRED(XB1)
FASTER WEAPONS
FASTER GRATSWORDS:ANNIVERSARY EDITION (XBOX)
FATSER TWOHANDED WEAPONS AND WAR AXES AND MACES
[XB1] RING OF UNBLOCKING
HATS HELMETS HOODS AND HOODED ROBES WITB CIRCLETS
CLOAKS FACE MASKS AND ALL SPRTS 2 * FANS EDITION *
IMPROVED CLOSEFACED HELMETS
IMPROVED CLOSEFACED HELMETS - USSEP PATCG
IA92S ENCHANTING WITHOUT RESTRICTION (XBOX1)
FROST SLOW TWEAKS BY RAFEAR
DAKEN'S YUMMY DRAGON HEARTS
DRAGON SOULS HEAL YOU
POPPYLORS INI TWEAKS FOR SERIES X
TEMPER EBONY BLADESKYLAND LODS
[XB] GOT DRAGON MAON MENU REPLACER
LOOKS DONT CHANGE FOR A VAMPIRE
CHEAT ROOM (XB1)
CHEAT ROOM -ANNIVERSARY PATCH
MYTHICAL AGES (V1.10)
MINTYS LIGHTNING DURING STORMS
MYTHICAL AGES MINTY LIGHTING STORM PATCH
NO CAMERA FADE
REMOVE BLOOD FROM SCREEN
DISABLE SCREEN SHAKE EFFECT
NO TINT ABSORB XB1
NO RADIAL BLIR - PERFORMANCE OPTIMIZATION ( XB1 )
EMBERS XB BY MINDFLUX 1K
CC CAMPING - EMBERS XD PATCH
ANIMATED WATER FORGE (NORMAL VERSION) - EMBERS XD PATCH
EMBERS XD V 3.0.1-CC GOLDENHILLS PATCH
ALTERNATE START - LIVE ANOTHER LIFE
NORTHERN ROADS & ALTERNATE START PATCH
OPEN CITIES SKYRIM
NORTHERN ROADS & OPEN CITIES PATCH
REALISTIC WATER TWO BY ISOKU, SPARROWPRICE, &TECHANGEL185
REALISTIC WATER TWO & SAINTS AND SEDUCERS PATCH
NATURAL WATERFALLS
CUMULATIVE BLESSINGS
COLORED.MAGIC AURAS

Hi all,
Wanted to know what I can do about this, when I flush the upstairs toilet it fills up and then goes down to the normal level after 2-3 mins. The shower is also draining but very slowly. All other toilets in the house are fine.
I assume it the the drainage run from that one bathroom that is the issue?
I’ve tried drain unblocker and boiling water multiple times.
Thanks

Help Im here in NZ working holiday and I am running out of testosterone. Only gonna be here until July and I can resupply in my country again. My supply only last until end of May. Where should I go to get more in christchurch.

Hey there sisters! Just asking is there a CD community is Christchurch NZ?

Good afternoon, I'm writing this because I need help to understand what happened and what should I do. I've struggled with social anxiety since my early teens, and generalized anxiety since I was a kid. During my times at university, intense academic pressure and my own disorder let me to have strong suicidal thoughts. I've done therapy and even was offered medication but I always minimized my problem. I just thought that It would affected me as long I don't harm others, so It wasn't that serious. Until this happened.
I met a guy on an app, then moved to Discord. He always send good morning texts daily, something new for me. We'd often discuss about intellectual topics. One day he asked me to be there, as he had this important exam in some months and he needed me for his emotional stability. I accepted, since then, I tried to be the supportive person I never had. We got close, made calls, he started to flirt a lot, and even told me we should meet in real life. I sort of reciprocated him. But then, he got distant. I thought that he was hurt as I didn't flirt so much as he did. So, I tried to be more caring and flirty with him. We both were busy with our studies, so I didn't think too much about it. Although I trusted him deeply, I never told him that I suffered from social anxiety disorder and my own experience with suicide. I used to minimize this problem so much, I was just living my life pretending It was just my personality.
After five weeks of daily texting, there were this day he didn't text me all day, I told him that next time, he should text me that he was going to get busy as I'd think bad things happened to him. I told him that he ever get uncomfortable with my caring, he could tell me. He said It wasn't that, and then said he was in a moody phase. Then, told me that he wasn't interested in anything this days but his studies as he was feeling anxious about this exam. I understood, but I couldn't reply. Later, I found he deleted that text and blocked me. I messaged him on another app. He told me he was "leaving discord and everything", whish me well in life and said sorry for made me feel sad. I couldn't understand why he would say he made me feel sad, but I remember he thought I ignored him. As a person with social anxiety, I understand what is feeling like a burden for others. I started overthinking, and I became extremely worried about his safety. I sent him a bunch of messages clarifying I didn't ignore him and send him the text I was going to send him. It was me telling him that I understand his feelings of anxiety and that I would listen to him If needed. We didn't have back up contact. I was alone, scared and I didn't know what to do.
So, next day he unblocked me and said sorry. He said It wasn't because I ignored him but the fact I was too involved in him that If one day he leaves or get busy I'm going to have a hard time. I sent him a letter I wrote that awful night in which I reassured him that we must support each other in our goals and shared my contact information in case he needed someone who listen. However, when I started telling him how worried I got to be, he was telling he sorry and even was willing to share his email for back up contact. Until I said that I even considered calling the police, I told him that "you said you were going to leave everything" and he said he meant discord so, he inmediately blocked me again. I jumped into the other app and told him that it was just a thought and he blocked me there too. Two hours later he text me "don't text me again... u´re scary".
I never told him about my mental struggles. So, I understad why my reactions seemed so intense. As a person with social anxiety, this have affected me very much. I was so busy back then that I didn't see that coming. The only thing It has helped me is writing this letter for him, I learnt very valuable things but the MAIN one is stop neglecting my anxiety. Also be more open to tell people about it (he is a med student so I know he'd have understood). I wonder If there is a possibility that he would unblock me one day so I get to clarify and I find mental peace. I don't even want to rekindle, I just have the need to find a peaceful close. Although this happened five weeks ago, I'm not in a good emotional state right now, I feel really guilty and anxious about everything what happened. I feel frustated that I also felt emotionally drained by him, so I wanted to tell him to stop texting me good morning but my social anxiety never allow me to to this. I haven't been able to see a therapist so I'm dealing with all this on my own.

made this for my narrative essay in american literature, but one of my friends said i should share the story
“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.