Hi guys. I just moved to Tokyo and yesterday I bumped into these CBD vapes and gummies at Don Quijote. I am currently 19. Can I buy them without any trouble or are they over 20 like e-cigs and tobacco products? Thanks

I don't know if you've heard of Kunnumkulam cig (the fake ones). It's the low quality ones and now widely available in the shops and costs the same price and gives a bad aftertaste.
The shop which I used to buy cigarettes everyday is my friends shop and he showed me both. They both look same but has only a minute difference in the logo print.
Have you guys experienced this Kunnumkulam kings?

hey yall!
on friday morning i had one cig left and was about to drive about three hours to my parents house for the weekend. the night before i made my peace with the fact that i wasn’t gonna buy any more. the one left was gonna be the last one.
going on 48 hours no nic and i haven’t had any adverse symptoms except i was a little bit cranky today. i don’t even wanna say i’m having cravings. every few hours i go “i want a cigarette” and then i pop a few mints and the feeling passes. i don’t feel like im desperate to smoke at all. i really don’t feel different at all.
i transferred the money i would have spent on cigs into my savings + just am reminding myself of the health benefits. idk this is just way easier than i expected which is nice

I simply don't know where to start with this.
I am a 26 year old white male from NW Ohio. I have never been in a relationship and I really do not know how it works. But the urge remains in me to find one. If I could stomp that feeling out of me, I probably would but I don't think that's possible.
I struggle with undiagnosed mental issues and since they're undiagnosed I simply don't know what or how much I have. I most certainly suffer from an anxiety disorder and there's a good chance I may suffer from bipolar 2 (not too, but the secondary version that involves depressive episodes and not manic episodes) or some type of depression. There's a decent chance that I have Autism and/or Asperger's. Who knows, maybe I don't have anything wrong with me (fat chance) but I feel like it should be a fair warning for anyone.
I am sadly technically a NEET. I am not in education, employed, or in training (which is what NEET means.) Due to this, I don't have a drivers license or a car. If you want meet up, you'll have to travel to somewhere I would be able to walk to.
I am a very reserved person. Like, I am an open book if I know and trust you enough, but I don't like airing my stuff out there. This whole thing is quite vulnerable to me. I would not be shocked if I back down from this very quickly. This is posted on a throwaway account too. I will eventually talk to you on my normal accounts when I feel comfortable.
I'm not ready for kids, nor do I know if I ever will be. (Please be child-free.)
My self-esteem is so low that it might as well not exist. I view myself as ugly and I do have a lot of qualities that would be deemed as ugly.
I have...

• Glasses.
• Bags under eyes, always.
• An under bite.
• Imperfect teeth.
• A flat face on the profile view of the face.
• Can't grow facial hair correctly.
• Overweight at 235 LBs (like what everyone says, I am working on it... Honest!)

That being said, everything is subjective. These ugly traits you may find cute or could be entirely indifferent about.
I guess now that I have gotten all of the bad out of the way, perhaps I should actually talk about myself in a more positive light.
While I won't provide a photo of myself til I feel comfortable or feel like I can genuinely trust whom I am talking to, I can describe myself. Obviously, above is also applicable.
I am...

• Somewhere in between 5'8 and 5'9. I describe myself as 5'9.
• Brown Hair and Green Eyes. Though, is constantly in heated debate. Some people think I have Blonde Hair and/or Blue Eyes.
• I try to wear my hair medium to long.
• Typically in a graphic T-Shirt and always wearing jeans. No matter how hot or cold it is. If it is cold, I put a hoodie on. If its hot, I will suffer through it.
• I used to wear red Converse High-Tops all of the time. But I do now switch between them and boots, as Converse aren't great for walking.

I am straight and monogamous.
My interests are...

• Video Games
• Personal Computers
• Anime

A lot of these interests also focus on a certain era of it too. Namely from the 90's to the early 2000's. Doesn't explicitly stay focused there, but that's my comfort zone. I have a lot of deep interest with-in the production or what's going on under the hood. Sometimes I may have interest in a certain musical artist or album, but that's much rarer to happen. I don't really have much interest beyond that.
I have a large collection of video games, retro hardware, and have a selection of Anime on VHS and LD. Of course, I also have Anime on Blu-Ray and DVD when I want the best quality you can get but there's just a vibe with analog Anime pressings being watched on a CRT.
The type of music I listen to is mostly Metal and Alt Rock, with a little bit of a dabble in 90's East Coast Hip-Hop and Techno/Electronic. When I say Metal, I don't mean like hardcore screamo where the vocals sound like a blender, but like math rock and post-hardcore.
I enjoy going to flea markets, garage sales, and thrift stores. It is the places to get and find cool stuff for cheap.
I am not religious, at all. Would identify myself as an Atheist. I have no issue with religion beyond people using it as a vehicle to cause issue.
I smoke and use marijuana, but I don't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes.
I politically lean left, but I am not really politically correct. I also don't let politics run or control my life.

What I want in a partner:

Sadly, physical attraction is very important to me. Bold from the dude who sees himself as ugly... :)
But, don't let that get in the way of shooting your shot. Low self-esteem is truly an awful thing. You may be entirely my type but you wouldn't think anyone wants you because of your self-esteem. Let the eye of the beholder be the judge. Please provide a photo when contacting me. I know, it is a bit selfish to ask to receive but not give one. I think it is better this way, as I don't want to hurt you by accidentally leading you on. When you take the photo, please have something identifiable in the photo that makes it be verifiable as authentic. Catfishers pound sand!
I would prefer you to be in NW Ohio or general Ohio, so we can hang out easily. You will have to travel to me though, as stated I have no means of travel outside of walking. But I am possibly open to LDR, but I wouldn't have confidence in the relationship from anxiety and having trust issues.
I don't really mind height, would prefer for you not to be taller than me, but not entirely out of the question. Would prefer you not to be heavy set, but I'm not looking for skeleton skinny. You could look somewhat plain or even look like an e-girl, or somewhere in-between.
I would like you to have similar interests to me, doesn't have to be 1 to 1 to my interests though. I find the odds of finding someone else into computers to my extent very low. I at least want to find someone who will tolerate it and find someone whom I can tolerate their interest like they would to me. I want to be able to have long conversations about stuff we both are interested in and be able to listen to each other and support each others other interests.
Do I care if you have Autism? Not at this time.
Do I care if you have mental issues? Really depends, but mostly no. Just don't be super high maintenance or in a state where you could cause my anxiety go crazy.
I would prefer you to be non-religious and be open to marijuana. I don't mind if you drink, as long as it isn't a problem. No current cigarette smokers though.
Perhaps we can go to Anime Conventions together? Bonus points if you cosplay.
Go thrifting with me?
No sex workers please! Past, Present, or Future. It is not for me, I wouldn't want my privates out there nor would I want a partner who has their privates out there. I have no issue with you as a person, it is just not for me, sorry. On top of that, please be monogamous too.
If you think you can handle this mess of a human, then reach out to me. Tell me about yourself! I want to hear your interests, your favorite things, and so on!

I dont know who will read this, but i just have to get this off my chest.
TL:DR at bottom
A bit of a backstory: I am 19 right now. 11 days from 20. During my life, i have had it all. The best family behind me anyone could ever ask for. They raised me well, gave me all the support and love humanly possible.
I grew up in an eastern european smalltown, been always above average, and slightly autistic at least, lets admit it. The typical gifted white suburban kid syndrome: never ever ran into problems during my life, everything seemd straight forward, always knew what i shold do with my life. During my blunder years, i have developed some pretty bad traits: a never had to struggle in my life for anything. Every single thing was handed to me on a silver plate. I really am just the luckiest person alive: always done well mentally, academically, and socially. Read the book once before when the teacher said put away your books, aced every exam still, after elementary(8 years here), got accepted to one of the best middle school of my country.
Experienced all the perks of middle school and the freedom of doing whatever the fuck you want during the stupidest years of your life, 15-19. And i did. Of course, procrastinating and not giving a fuck have not lifted me above average as in elementary, but i was still in the middle of the group. Again: everything others sweated blood for, handed to me on a silver plate. Straight goals in my life, stable personality, many friends, altough i still had my innocent nerdy kid persona, which was challenged majorly during the primal environment of a middle school coeducated dorm, but was never particularly bullied, countless friends and family, support and appreciation for who i was, altough i was just being as stupid as a middleschooler is.
Then covid came, and it somehow turned everything around. Not so many friends, no such concrete stable confidence, still being a lazy fucker who somehow lucked his way through everything. also during this time, i kinda started falling off, got into weed, not jsut alcohol, started going out and socialising less, falling off, but i had a great time, thinking about those times fondly, altough not so dearly. Rocked my way through the end exams of middle school with some last minute studying, i mean i absolutely still pulled from my little finger what others couldn't with teeth, tears and blood: got accepted into university as a dentist, still feeling like i am the top of the word.
During the last true summer break of my life, i started doing food delivery. 11:30am till 22-23:00 pm sometimes. During this time, the penjamin really took off in my country, weed being illegal but alternatives, such as Hexahidrocannabinol (HHC) being legal, available in a pen, just like an Elfbar: no neet to sneak out, to talk with the plug(some of you know arranging a meeting with those fuckers isnt as easy as it seems at all lmao), just getting high while laying in my bed. During this time, my weed addiction spiralled out of control, i got high every single night, this being my "well deserved downtime": just existing in my own little world in my bed, for 2 months. Those 4 years really did turned my personality to someone who isn't fit for a course that puts "Dr." in front of your name, this wil be important later.
Before the university, there is a social event hosted for us juniors called "junior camp", where you really are supposed to meet new people, and lay the basis of your entire uvicersity social life. And i took the penjamin(like 4th one in 2 months) with me. Now for those of you who dont know, weed can be a nice social drug, taken with moderation. If you get "schwasted, wake n baked" every day, the devils lettuce really puts you into your own world. No ambitions, no will to progress, just existing in your own little world, being fine as fuck with things as it is. Still had the best memory of my life though: being high as fuck in a water park they organised for us, literally youngsters in their prime, like 1500 of us, just being ourselves in the biggest pool party of the country. What i spent it doing: weed and cigarette breaks, taking slides, which literally felt like descending to hell, and walking around, aimlessly, not giving a fuck about the 1,5k people who came here to meet me and socialise, barely communicating with them, floating in my own world. This, and watching tje closing firework while being high are the best memories of my life until this day, guys if you can, take water slides and watch fireworks while being high, its definitely worth it.
And then came the first oath to myself that I've broken since then: that i will do a conversion of Paul, really focusing on the most important thing in my life: becoming a dentist, which is, besides helping people, is a ticket on first class to upper middle class, for someone from a bloodline of the poorest eastern european easants you can imagine. It takes 4 generations to break out of poverty, and i am the 4th. All the blood and sweat of my ancestors who worked their asses out, slaving away for the communist, them capitalist system, only for their kids to someday, amybe havve the chance i do hae right, now, and I am currently fucking up.
Now for those of you who dont know, university really is the most liberal form of education on the planet: you finally get your own timetable, the only mandatory attendance being the "practices", which you could just get through without putting anything on the table, and the lectures where they actually teach you university shit, not having a mandatory attendance, so who gives a fuck?
This gets us to the University: the first 2 weeks, i was being the typical student: al the lectures, learning from day to day, putting myself there in possibly the most alien environment i have ever been during my life. And turns out, i wasn't ready for the maturity and devotion a serious practice like dentistry takes. Man, i will literally be healing other people, everyones been to the dentist, and to get there, standing above your open mouth: Thats not something what is handed on a silver plate. No matter how smart, gifted, or special you think you are: this will only be achieved with tooth and nails. And i wasn't ready, not the slightest.
This is the point where i really started descending to the level of a fast food worker(no offence, which i was too): the first 3 months can be described with one word: Weed. no studying at all, just smoking that shit, feeling the buzz, it got to the point where i couldnt fall asleep without being hihg. Quite literally, i couldn'T imagine laying in bed, just...laying. IN november, i had it all came down on me, had a small breakdown, took the second oath i have broken: that i will change. This was the 11th of November, 2023
I cut back on weed, started attending lectures, realised that i have no fucking idea what the fuck are they talking about, so whats the point of attending? 3 more weks, sometimes begging to 5-6 different plugs, just to get my dose. Then came the so-called "exam period": where they excpt you to account for what you have "learned" during the "period of diligence". Of course, you can ace all your exams in literally 2 weeks, but for me, i was at diggind the foundation, while others were building the roof, already.
3rd oath: i will put my best, really gonna study my ass off for this one, having no plans whatsoever, just getting through somehow, like i always did. I think this is the time where i have made the first real steps towards maturity: admitting my parents that i havent done shit, and the chance of failure is around 90%. They gave me the encouragement i needed, realy got back on track, and pulled my first half year. So much so, that i got a study scholarship: 13k HUF, 36 USD/month, lower middle class scholarship, but still, that meant im in the top 10 percent of students. Yet again, by partying all yer, doing everything in the last moments.
4th oath: after these few weeks of hell, i will really put myself there, study as the year goes along, being ready and up-to*date with everything. Like the adult i am
For 1 week, this really worked out. studies for hours every day, being with my "new friends": fellow dental students, whom i had a really good start with, but now, arent really close pals. They have had a complete change, a real 180 in their life: being out in a new environment, gangs and friend groups really started forming, and i was there sometimes, having a blast with them, but you know: not really a part of the gang, just the chill, stoner, pretty stupid streets dude, never being up to date, never really giving a serious fuck about them, still smoking weed and drinking with my old middleschool friends. They naturally started inviting me less and less, and slowly fell into the group of a workplace friend, who you really dont just meet after work, you know. Now this might just be my insecurity speaking, i literally have a 2 week vacation fixated with them to the beaches of Croatia, but yeah, just a chill dude whos around sometimes, not *the gang*
And then came the wrost 6 weeks of my life. During my all afternoon studying sessions, i started noticing a slight tingling in my legs and feet, and my visual snow, which ive always had for some degree, starting putting itself into second gear. I even jokingly told one of my friends who happened to study with me: "Man, i might have gotten some real nerve damage from all the weed and fake penjamins, a-ha-ha".
During the next few days, hell unfolded: imagine the worst kind of buzzing, not the gentle weed buzzingm but a genuinely alarming one, an impending sense of doom, and pretty serious unvellness: during an anatomy lecture about the cranial nerves. Figured a snus might help: stuffed a Killa cold mint(european snus is generally stronger than Zyn, this particular one being 4times as strong as the stongrst Zyn, and its still pretty mid in eastern europe lmao). Hell broke loose. If you are familiar with trip reports, i have went trhough something very similar to a bad trip, almost had to run out of the lecture, in front of the teacher and 60 of my classmates beceuse i genuinely thought im gonna die. Went out after surbibing the lecture, ambling around for 2 hours, walking to a pharmacy 45 minutes away and back, speaking with my parents, being in a complete panic which just made things worse.
This went on for a week, then i got to the doctor. The anatomy practice was always the low point: the best teacher of the institute explaining how a human body works, and i was shaking in a corner, not falling into the deepest panic attack i have ever had was taking up all my energy. Drumming with my leg,s counting the tiles on the floor again and again, not paying attention about some of the most important words ever said to me in my life. Went to the doctor that friday finally, and got good words that i am really studying anatomy, i must have known that the innervation of the top of the limbs and and the feet are completely different, so my CNS works just fine, but im describing the most common symptoms of stress induced anxiety. Also told him about my ever worsening visual snow: imagine those old TV-s who had no signal, and displayed what we called "ant football". That is my life, especially when i look at the sky, which was a thing i admired dearly: The giant cloud, not abstructed by any mountain, flowing, and ever changing, still are the most beautiful thing for me, compared with the mind.blowing sunsets we have here, in the great plains. Being robbed of that put me even deeper. The 75mg pregabalin i got described, once a day and night, havent done anything at all. INstead, they amplified my brain fog, the tingling and buzzling, and the feeling of looming dread. I havent known this at the time, so sometimes i took my daily two before the anatomy sessions, which made them truly like hell. Having to walk out multiple times in a span of 1,5 hours of the lesson, just to simply breathe. If someone closed the door of the dissecting room, all hell broke loose, i couldn't breathe. I was bumping into people on the way there and back, being so disoriented due to basically being drugged. Talked about my mother about this, she went through literally the same hell, while attempting university, just like his brother, my Godfather, who was a border guard during the East-German refugee crysis, having to shoot live munition centimeters in front of the feet of pregnant women during the fall of the iron courtain. And this was a true and horrific mental breakdown, a literal *Idegösszeomlás*, akai burnout
So long story short: missed the most crucial 8 weeks of the semester, where we were told in the beginning: if you miss a week, you are done for. The last parts of the period of diligence were spent studying like hell, with my symptoms greatly improvving: attended parties with the dentist gang, smoked weed again, and just laid the foundations for the period of exams, actually studying like hell, like i always wanted to, AND I STILL ACED IT, but with the looming over me the sword of damocles.
Now thinking back, i could've made it. I really cold have. I still can. I completed every single subject i could in the diligence period, cell biology being the hardest, I barely passed that subject with a "2", basically a B-, this will be very important later. The last exam date is at the 7th of july, but with 6 weeks for only the anatomy, and basically the chemistry of 5 years, thats should be enough, eh? Yeaahh, yet another broken oath, spent a week doing nothing, weed, youtube, and old friends, while everyone leraned their asses off. Started learning too, and i took it seriously. But any students, you know how it is:

alarm set at 7:30 am.
10 minutes of snooze, every single day, the next time i wake up more rested than i should have been after 10 minutes, i check the clock, 8:50AM.
Awesome, get out of bed and shower. Check the time again: 11AM.
Cool, the whole day ahead of me. Just a siiiingle youtube video, while i pass the morning fatigue and the rapid morning hearthbeat of 5 years of chainsmoking, yet another amazing dedication of my life.
Then its 12AM, time to dinner! Post dinner fatigue is exactly a 30min video, 12:30PM, imma begin studying.
Next time i look at the clok, its 14:27. I really lock in until 6pm, then my parents cone home. I talk with them for what feels like 20-25 minutes.
Look at the clock again. 20:21PM. How the fuck did the whole fucking day passed again? i truly lock in for the rest of the day
23:35, i can't anymore. Starting to watch trash streams on youtube, braincells dying every second
Time spent with studying: 2-3 hours.
Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Then i got the worst news i have ever gotten
Decided to check into the E-uni managament system of my country. "You have an offered grade, you can accept it *here*. Click link. "you can't accept, you have an exam applification of this subject". So this was the first semester where they made the application to the different exams at different dates open at March instead of the end of May, so students can "pre-plan their whole semester", the backstory of this is some uni drama equal in lenght of this post *hungarian text-* (Akinek esetleg volt dolga a Debreceni Egyetem Anatómiai-, Szövet-, és Fejlődéstani intézetével, az pontosan tudja miről beszélek lmao, a többiek úgysem értenék, H***igeci),
So, remember about my offered grade about cell biology? Wel, you have to accept it, because it LITERALLY MEANS THEY OFFERED IT AND YOU CAN DECLINE IT, this is stragiht up ez shit, of course who was the hero, who forgot to do this 5 seconds thing? My pretty faced self. All the while having an exam booked for the 28th of may, which obviously had passed, and i jsut realized this now, because the university e-administration site, which you should check every day for like 10 times, havent been opened by me for a month. And in my country, no matter what grade you get offered, if you take an exam and dont attend, thats automatically a failure overwriting literally any grade you had before. And i really put in the work. Really did got the offered grade, which means 55% on 2 intersemester exams, which both of them are hell. And all undone because im too fucking lazy and stupid to open a fucking website. Because i havent declined the offered grade, and this is the first year they implemented the early exam booking, i still have hope that the email i have written towards Students affairs will have an effect, and i will be able to accept the offered grade. We are talking about a subject where if you do have to take the exam, there is a 90% failure rate. 90. fucking. percent. I have 1 month to learn the Central Nervous System(at least i know that mostly by now), and the complete human body as it is from the shoulders upwards, embriology, histology of the semester, and 1 ENTIRE YEAR of university level chenistry. Im fucked already as it is, cell biology by itself would take 3 weeks of no life learning JUST TO HAVE A CHANCE, which i have completed, and willingly, and ignorantly have thrown away.
What happens if i fail? Well, the state pays 12 active and 3 passive semester. The course is 10 semesters, so i can passivate and then retry, and still have a chance like this once more, before falling out of State Sponsored Scholarship. A semester is 1,3 million HUF, 5 months on minimum wage if you dont eat, sleep, and save 100%. PER SEMESTER. So the world wont collapse, buti would lose everyone i met during university, dropping to a class of strangers, being the failed kid, so laying the path from the best kinda uni life to the worst, in terms of connections and social life. My family knows about my mental health, even my conserative KGB grandparents are very supportive, but i wouldn't be able to stand the shame myseelf.
Had an eye watering hours long convo with a genuine friend about my life, and that made me realise im still aint shit, things reall have to change. this is why im typing this, mainly for my own self. As the first page of a diary im planning on starting, to never forget the feeling of being in the literal bottom right now. I dont except anyone to read this, idk why im even posting this, i dont even except any advice, but ofc if you have made it this far, thank you for dwelving into the life of a hungarian smalltown trash, hope you can learn
Not gonna reread this fucking yapping, sry for the typos and language, english isn't my first one
So this was it guys, my Magnum Opus of literature, the biggest yapping session of my life so far. Still spent 1,5 hours typing this even on my pc, instead of studdying, on 1,5mg alprazolam(xanax benzo), about to smoke a jo. Yet another broken oath
TL:DR: Failed to mature up for a hardcore branch of university, and a silly mistake will destroy my entire semester, and im still not studying, typing this

Really don't want to smoke rollies anymore, have been smoking them most of my life, and definitely feel the negative effects on my body. Also the catastrophising health paranoia about smoking is overwhelming, and the anti-social element of it going in my neighbours' gardens, annoying people in public even though I walk off to a corner etc, is giving me too much guilt.
But...having tried vapes several times over, it's just not the same. I just don't get the same enjoyment that I do with rollies. I like the taste & feel of them, I like the little ritual of rolling, and despite the mental anguish mentioned above, ultimately l still feel a little "reward" as I have one.
24 hours in to the vape again, and once again I am really struggling. Third type of vape and it's just a bit...meh. So many people say "oh, instantly switched to vapes and never looked back", but I've never experienced that.
So... for those who really struggled but eventually did make the switch - how did you do it? How did you push through the reluctance? Did the type of vape/e-cig help, or is it all in the brain?

~Part 3 Luna Baby~
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Luna Baby.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be rooms for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR. Competing in battles while dress cute and facing off with others. I would encourage and flatter those that send virtual gifts that could be exchanged for gifts. I would message and ask for WeChat account numbers to talk to them and I would be an emotional prostitute pretending to love and be interested in them for the hopes of more gifts. Methods of manipulation would be used as in begging, guilt tripping a viewer, and love bombing them. Often middle aged men would pretend to be the female host.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen—a life set to end in misery—a fate.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.

~Final~
Easily happy fooling ourselves.
Something unusual happened as thoughts transplanted and I became more aware of everything around me. Luna Baby and the girl made of paper were identical twins disconnected.
I’m from Luoyang in Henan but work in a city further away in Zhengzhou. I am a migrant worker. Always missing my wife as I grow distant from her. Our seven year old daughter Leina goes to school and lives with my mother in law who helps to raise her. My wife Ai works at a factory in Guangzhou. In China there is something called the huko system. It is a government official book that shows the family and ties them to a city and region. Somebody cannot receive access to government help such as public education.
I had the feeling and paranoia my wife must be seeing someone else amongst her loneliness in Guangzhou. The feelings at me up.
I worked at a factory for Foxconn (Taiwanese owned)—the largest facility was in Zhengzhou where they built the iPhone—a symbol of capitalism—a symbol to distract ourselves from ungodliness and discontent. Deceive ourselves to be happy. Vampires of society suck us dry on screens. I’m unhappy.
Are you just like me?
To escape from suffocating from worries I look Luna baby while smoking hashish. Send her gifts to make a hole in me. Then I get to be happy. Life gets into a routine m, swim or drown—when I get bored I get unhappy.
Being alienated as a worker with no family or support around me. It makes me weak. Weak like so many things I noticed in Henan.
The yellow river through the city looked like something that could eat the weak—crumble like buildings built quickly only to be empty. I had colleagues who went to the banks to find there was no money they pull out. Everyone felt uneasy. Just like when COVID had broken out. It also made us all in the city feel weak and uneasy like stilts in sand. Tractors dropped rocks and trees on the exits from the city. We could not leave even if we wanted to.
The sickle and hammer worked to use violence to make the working class to keep making the iPhone. It felt Beijing hated Henan. I felt distant from elites like I was to my wife. I could smell a flooding coming.
Our phones had to carry COVD Identification. If somebody had a green dot it meant to COVID or contact with others with COVID. Red meant that one was considered a contact and needed to be isolated and couldn’t be out. When people were upset with the collapse of local banks they went to the banks in protest. Before plain clothes police of the communist party came and use violence against the working class, protestors had their codes turned to red to force them to shut up and kept isolated from home to not be a nuisance.
Discontent grew under the baton of the party. People were welded into their apartments if the apartment building had cases. One building apartment had burned down and everyone died inside as they were trapped in the confines of the apartment.
I felt barricaded in the factory. We were not getting our allowances and we were being forced to stay amongst our rooms with those positive with the virus. Virus was becoming like a baton to beat us. Like kettles of corn we began to pop in our dormitories. We began to feel discontent and corned within the premises of the factory. I can smell rain like my mind knows flood waters are coming. There is a myth in China called the heavens mandate—a sort of supernatural belief. It is considered import in China to respect authority figures in our lives—this includes parents to leaders of the country—but if things fall apart or if there are natural disasters, it is indicative that heaven wants the people to replace the leader—it is a time to revolt and make demands. It felt like one of those times.
I was amongst the chaos. In the yard of the factory where men in white hazmat suits came with metals poles to clash with the workers.
The speakers were set up by police and security and the workers had speakers too, echoing back at each other like a badminton match.
Luna Baby was on her phone far away like Chang’e on the moon.