I (19f was in a relationship for a few years and was very attached, at times it was like he (23m) didn't hear or understand me no matter how much I'd communicate, and at times I think I was gaslighted? I remember also feeling crazy at times because I'd communicate so much but apparently wawn understood. And, I remember learning about it and sometimes feeling / having message proof of being gaslighted. But maybe he just forgot things?
Anyway I left him many times but kept going back because I loved him etc, I gave many chances but it all kept repeating.
After not talking for a few months I came back but I think it was just to ask him if he deleted something like photos, or to wish him well idk (maybe I wanted to say a goodbye message again when I felt calmer)
We talked on and off but we didn't get along and I found the old things repeating
My feelings towards him did change and i was not as attached but I still had feelings for him and we were kind of together for the past few months, well it wasn't a relationship but we acted like it & at times i think he saw me as his gf and did not take it seriously that we broke up, and we were very on and off well the old behaviours kept repeating so I'd feel like I have to go again and often did, he said that's also why he didn't make me his gf yet again as we keep ending. I still had an attachment and thought maybe we can just be friends but 8 also didn't want to be friends with an ex, 8 wasn't sure on what to do but I was moving more to the decision to just go, now I definitely will as I can't keep giving people the benefit of the doubt.
I can't even be upset because I learned from last time yet I still made the mistake of coming back / giving another chance etc etc.
Now recently he started to send me videos about bad women, like toxic women, he sent some video about any time he talked about his feelings I acted like he was arguing, and then today sent some manipulation one about reacting to disrespect and the person getting angry / blaming you
The thing is I remember experiencing all of these things with him and he knows, because I'd communicate it all ALPT..! Back then he didn't seem to care much about my feelings at times but I believed he cared about me and loved me the same way I did him which is what made me stay for so long and so much
Now I'm wondering is this common or some tactic?
It happened a few weeks ago the sending of videos, and again today after a disagreement... It had kinda made me have a realisation and I've decided to go forever because I don't think he changed / ever will.
I also felt bad to be with someone who treated me some of the ways he treated me,and the bad gut feelings (which may have just been me because part of me felt I'm disrespecting myself by talking to him again after everything) so atleast now I won't have to deal with those feelings and I kept regretting telling a loved one about how he mistreated me at times (especially name calling me a who** once or twice) .
TLDR; Have any of you gotten back with an ex who mistreated you at times (or both of you sometimes, which I feel also happened in my relationship but I didn't do anything extreme maybe sometimes I was just too sensitive / made bad assumptions about him to him which wasn't nice for him) how did it go?
And has anyone else heard or or experienced them switching their bad behaviour onto you? Either blaming you (which sometimes happened to me, he'd tell me I made him angry etc and sometimes I understood why he said that)
Or, them acting like you did the things that they did to you? It's a complete mind confusion because part of me worries incase I did or if he rly feels that way, but i don't remember doing it at all!!!! And I even have message proof of all the times I'd communicate and him not hearing me or treating me like I'm arguing.. And him being very nonchalant / distant during or at times.
It's like he took everything he did to me and is now acting like it was me who did it to him. I remember i used to want him to communicate / talk more! As most times he was so blunt / nonchalant, I didn't like feeling one-sided which I felt alot at times. I would have loved and heard him if he talked more and I think i at times asked him to communicate more... Or that I'd like it.
So this is all very confusing but I'm aware he could just be one of those "bad/ narcissistic" men. But I don't view him that way it just doesn't seem true to me, I think he truly loved me but maybe needs to work on some things - and so do I. A relationship for me is not good right now so I won't be in any, or with him.
He also once told me he could be that way due to his childhood, how he shuts down and doesn't talk about his feelings, I think I said something to try to help him to do it more but not much rly changed. The distant Ness from him at times made me feel like I was the only one ever trying to fix things / fighting for the relationship.
Sometimes he'd also say I'm the one who causes the arguments and bad things in the relationships, he was on about how I'd bring up my feelings which would often turn into an argument..
But at times he also blamed it all on me his lack of certain things like communicating his feelings. And now he's putting all / most of the things he did to me on me??
I also want to add i know this is basically my own fault because I kept giving chances / letting my emotions control me and not rly thinking logically (which is hard for me at times as I'm very emotional/sensitive)
So I want to learn from all of this, but this time for good and never go back. I believe he could just not remember some things with the gaslighting feeling, but the not hearing me so much and other bad things, it's just too much and I don't want to get attached all over again and possibly get hurt or in a bad situation.
I know I need to work on myself so i won't find myself in bad situations at times.
I feel in that relationship I wasn't able to be the type of girlfriend I want to be and am at my core... And for now I am taking a break from relationships for many reasons. I enjoy being single but I loved him and was attached.
Posted in here because maybe it'll help me understand / realise some important things and maybe it belongs there. However I don't view him as abusive!

My wife (54F) and I(52M) moved to a far southern state (US) from a northern state in 2020. Prior to that we would go see my mom on Mother’s Day or any other family holiday every year. Except thanksgiving. Bless her heart but her turkey was like eating an eraser and for 25 years I thought that’s what turkey was supposed to be. My ex-wife and I got her to come to us that day. I digress.
When my now wife and I moved down here it has become a thing that, at the start, we would do zoom calls or FaceTime, or Alexa our family calls. By family calls I mean the big ones; Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving. Any others were phone calls or face times scheduled always after 5:00 because of work and we are active on weekends. In the 4 years we’ve been down here it’s been like that. Family holidays are scheduled and individual holidays are a free for all after 5:00. (We live in the same time zone so that’s not an issue and we’ve made these calls at 7-8.)
So on Mother’s Day we were invited to a bbq at a work friend’s place where I was the cook. When it comes to bbq I am always the cook but whatever. I had everything planned out to the minute as to how long it would take and have time to call my mom. At 5:10 I had 10 minutes left and I would be done cooking and could slip off someplace quiet to call her when my phone rang. It was her. I stepped into the house because of the chatter outside but answered before I could. She asked what was going on and told her that we were at a friend’s house. She then got pissy and hung up on me before i could explain what was going on. I walked back outside and my wife could see something was wrong. I told her and pretty much everyone within earshot what happened and they were on my side. For them the show went on but for me I was on the fence. I wanted to call her back but she has a history of pulling these stunts and everyone told me to let it go. So I did. She texted me today and said she was hurt because I didn’t call her and she was hurt I didn’t call her back. I texted her back and offered no apology and told her what I was trying to tell her but she wouldn’t listen and hung up on me. I said I’d call her after work today. I did call and she didn’t answer. Where did I go wrong and am I TA?
TL;DR Mom and I have traditional calling times for holidays after 5:00pm but no set times except for the big holidays( Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving.) Mom couldn’t wait 10 min after 5 and called me, flipped shit and hung up on me and was pissed I didn’t call her back.

So a player of mine wanted to play a barbarian run in a homebrew world of mine, part of a specific tribe with some existing lore. I like making homebrew for my particular world so we came up with this Totem-Barbarian doppelganger.
Also, as a rule I understand this class is going to be powerful, or at least that's the hope. I want to balance it to newer books mainly so its slightly over-tuned in places, I just want to know if people think this looks reasonable, or blatantly undeoverpowered.
Also, finally a quick lore explanation for the flavour of the Body/Mind/Soul thing as the tribe understands it, because it subverts typical dnd attributes slightly:
The Body refers to the resilience and strength, Wisdom & Constitution sort of
The Mind refers to control and focus, Dexterity and Charisma sort of
The Soul refers to your personality, the motivation to continue, the fire inside that burns, Strength and Intelligence kind of focus
(These all make a lot more sense with the context of the god's personalities)
That's all for the rant, thank you and my apologies for the essay.

Path of the

3rd Level: Blessings of the Tribunal: To gain boon from the tribunal gods, you must pledge yourself to one of them above all others, for mastery comes at an absolute cost.
When you adopt this path, you must pledge yourself to either The Body, The Mind, or The Soul and gain its respective boon. Your choice is final, and will affect some of your later features.

• The Body. Whenever you make a Wisdom Check, you gain a bonus to the Check equal to your Strength modifier (minimum of +1).
• The Mind. Whenever you make a Charisma Check, you gain a bonus to the Check equal to your Strength modifier (minimum of +1).
• The Soul. Whenever you make an Intelligence Check, you gain a bonus to the Check equal to your Strength modifier (minimum of +1).

3rd Level: Rage of the Gods: The tribunal gods of have granted you their blessings, possessing you with skilful control of mind, mind, and soul while you rage.
When you enter a Rage, you can choose to embody one of the Tribunal Gods: the Body, the Mind, or the Soul, regardless of which god's boon you accepted. When you Rage in this way, the nature of your Rage is altered as described below. You can embody only one of these Tribunal Gods while raging.

• The Body. While possessed by the Body, you fight with powerful precision, using your body to protect yourself and your allies. For the duration of this Rage, it is modified by the following Features:
  • At the start of each of your turns, you gain Temporary Hit Points equal to your Barbarian Level.
  • Hostile Creatures treat the ground within 10 feet of you as Difficult Terrain.
  • Allies within 10 feet of you gain the benefits of Half Cover.
• The Mind. While possessed by the mind, you fight with grace and tact, skilfully weaving in and out of enemies and allies alike. For the duration of this Rage, it is modified by the following Features:
  • You cannot make use of your Reckless Attack Feature.
  • You do not provoke Opportunity Attacks.
  • When you make an Attack with a One-Handed Weapon in your main hand, you can make one additional Attack with a One-Handed Weapon in your offhand against a different Creature as part of the same Attack Action. You can only make this extra Attack once per turn, and only if you are wielding only One-Handed Weapons without the Heavy or Versatile Properties.
• The Soul. While possessed by the Soul, you fight with ferocious strength and determination, solving problems with direct and often lethal force. For the duration of this Rage, it is modified by the following Features:
  • Each attack you make while Raging must make use of your Reckless Attack Feature.
  • Each time you hit a Hostile Creature with a Melee Weapon Attack, you gain an additional +1 bonus to the extra damage granted by your Rage. This bonus cannot exceed half your Barbarian Level, and lasts until you miss an Attack or your Rage ends.

6th Level: Tribunal Aspect: You gain an additional boon from your pledged tribunal god.
You gain one of the following Features, corresponding to the god you pledged to at 3rd Level:

• The Body. While Raging, you cannot be moved or knocked Prone against your will. Additionally, the first time you would be reduced to 0 hit points but not killed outright during your Rage, you can instead drop to 1 Hit Point.
• The Mind. While Raging, you gain Resistance to Psychic Damage and gain Advantage on Saving Throws against being Charmed or Frightened. Additionally, when an enemy misses you with an Attack, they take Psychic Damage equal to your half your Strength Modifier, rounded down.
• The Soul. While Raging, your Melee Weapon Attacks score a Critical Hit on a roll of 19-20. Additionally, as a Reaction to taking damage while Raging, you can grant yourself a bonus to the next Attack Roll you make against that Creature, equal to your current Rage Damage Bonus.

10th Level: Divine Fortitude: The influence of the tribunal gods has made you more resistant to impure or harmful influences.
You gain one of the following Features, corresponding to the god you pledged to at 3rd and 6th Level:

• The Body. When making a Wisdom Saving Throw, you can add your Strength Modifier to the roll.
• The Mind. When making a Charisma Saving Throw, you can add your Strength Modifier to the roll.
• The Soul. When making an Intelligence Saving Throw, you can add your Strength Modifier to the roll.

14th Level: Avatar of the Tribunal. You embody the tribunal gods as a living avatar of their will, wielding divine power even while not possessed.
You gain one of the following Features, corresponding to the god you pledged to at 3rd, 6th, and 10th Level:

• Avatar of the Body. You and all allies within 10 feet of you gain the benefits of half cover, and while Raging, this benefit extends to become full cover for your allies within range. Additionally, as a Reaction to an Ally within 10 feet of you being attacked, you can impose Disadvantage on the roll, and if possible, redirect the Attack Roll to target you.
• Avatar of the Mind. You and all allies within 10 feet of you cannot be Surprised, and you gain Advantage on Initiative Rolls. Additionally, when you hit a creature with a Melee Weapon Attack on your turn while Raging, you can force the creature to make a Wisdom Saving Throw (DC = 8 + your Proficiency Bonus + your Strength Modifier). On a failed Save, the creature is Stunned until the start of your next turn. This effect can only occur once per turn.
• Avatar of the Soul. You and all allies within 10 feet of you have Advantage on Saving Throws against being Charmed, Frightened, Paralyzed, or Stunned. Additionally, while Raging your Melee Weapon Attacks deal an additional 2d6 Radiant Damage, as well as scoring a Critical Hit on a roll of 18-20.

Creation of the Realms
In the beginning there where two beings one of Light and one of Dark Aether one represented Creation and the other Destruction, both of these entities created the Realms of Draakana and Avalar which would become the homes of various species but especially Dragons which where created by the beings to bring forth magic into the realms. However they also created one specific Dragon a purple one that would be able to control all elements including Aether itself, this purple Dragon and all the ones that would follow would protect the Realms and bring an era of change either whether good or bad was up for the Dragon themselves to decide.
The Banishment of the Dragons
Formerly the Dragons lived in what is now known as the Forgotten Realms it was here where their species truly flourished, they build much of realms infrastructure and brought an era of peace across all species in these lands. It was during these times when the connection with Avalar was first founded and both realms entered an age of progress, however eventually a certain Sorceress grew to resent the Dragons believing them to hoard all the magic for themselves and banished them to the other side of the world, and with this the magic across the Forgotten Realms would slowly fade away over time with the portal that led to Avalar being the first to close.
The Founding of the Dragon Realms
When the Dragons awoke in the land they found themselves in they slowly but surely recreated their new home on the Island which would eventually become Dreamweavers. However this Island would eventually become to small for their civilization, and one brave Sea Dragon would set out to find a new home for her and her children. And after a long and exhausting swim she found land but after dragging herself to shore she collapsed and passed away her children would become the first inhabitans of what is now known as Dragon Shores, with the other Dragons following soon after.
The events of the OG trilogy happen
A thousand years after the Dragons have made their home in the new Realms a new purple Dragon was born who became known as Spyro, and whilst Spyro was mostly a thrill seeking young Dragon who didn't care about things such as destiny he would through his adventures bring the Realms into a new age of peace and prosperity. His story began when a creature known as Gnasty Gnorc who after causing much mischief across the Realms because he felt that he didn't fit in with the other creatures, with him having a particular interest in learing magic this caused the Dragons to eventually banish him to the Junkyard which Gnasty build his own kingdom in with him creating othe Gnorcs out of the stolen treasures of the Dragons.
Now Gnasty Always had plans to one day return to the Dragon Realms and take it for himself but after being insulted on live television he decided to put that plan into action now, and with one devasting hit of magic all the Dragons where turned into statues except for Spyro who didn't know it at the time but his ties to Aether had protected him from Gnasty's magic. After this Spyro would go about his first adventure freeing all the Dragons and collecting their stolen gems and eggs all ending with him torching Gnasty, of course Spyro didn't cause any permanent harm to him just enough to hopefully teach him a lesson
Sortly after Spyro's first adventure he found himself into a new mess, having brought to the Realms of Avalar which has been taking over by a small creature called Ripto nobody fully knows where Ripto has come from, perhaps a realm far away from both Draakana and Avalar but seeing how he has a hatred for Dragons it shows that he lives in a place near them. It is during this adventure that Spyro starts to take his role as a purple Dragon more serious whether unintional or not, with him bringing the various warring races of Avalar together and bringing peace across the lands and eventually leading to both Avalar and Draakana re-establishing contact. This adventure eventually ending in him defeating Ripto (or so it seems) and getting the vacation he wanted in the first place.
And now Spyro's last adventure of the og trilogy atleast, after a Thousand years of the magic slowly disapearing in the Forgotten Realms the Sorceress also notices that the magic she uses to keep herself alive is fading as well, with the signs of aging apearing across her body. Not just this but the portals across the Realms are shutting off one by one which would cause trouble for her dominion over the lands, she eventually caught wind of a young dragons adventures and learns where the Dragons have choosen to live after she banished them, and send her apprentice Bianca to steal their eggs, with Bianca believing that she wanted to bring the Dragons back to the Forgotten Realms to bring the magic back. Of course it was Spyro's job to get the Eggs back together with Hunter who choose to travel with Spyro to the Dragon Realms after his adventure in Avalar, and much like before Spyro would help the inhabitans of the Forgotten Realms and thanks to his Aether magic the longer he stays in the Realms the more the magic came back.
A short while into their adventure Hunter and Bianca would start to interact and would begin to catch feelings for eachother, much to the chagrin of Spyro which to be fair if your best friend felt in love with somebody who kidnapped the babies of your species you would not be happy either. But luckily for Spyro after Bianca learned that what the Sorceress plan is for the baby Dragons she would start to help Spyro and Hunter, and eventually Spyro would defeat the Sorceress once in her castle and later for good in the super bonus round.
After this the Forgotten Realms restablished contact with the Dragon Realms and became known as the United Realms under Bianca's leadership, it was also after this that the portal to Avalar was permantly openend only in the United Realms instead of the Dragon Realms thanks to the Professor having to go of old tomes, of course this was easily remedied when the Dragons gave the proper coordinates. This resulted in the cultural exchange between all Realms and a large group of Avalarians to move to Draakana, who created the Valley of New Avalar or just the Valley of Avalar as most called it.
What came after
Most of the events that happenend after the Forgotten Realms are of minor note, such as Spyro freeing the Fairylands from Grendor and saving the Dragonflies twice with the second time being caused by Ripto. The one thing of note with this even is that Spyro started to experiment with a different element mainly bubble breath, which he got access to thanks to Bianca who uncovered runes from the old dragon civilization it is even believed that these runes where created by the first Purple Dragon.
And now we get to the interesting bits, an elder by the name of Red got corrupted by the Sorcerer to plant Dark Gems (which another Dark Master would use later), in order to drain the land of Magic. And whilst Spyro would of course defeat Red the Sorcerer was in the meantime looking into the origins of Aether and the Purple Dragon, this let him to the Shadow Realm a place beyond creation. And after the defeat of Red he set his plan into motion to tap into these Shadow Realms by releasing the Calamity, which trapped everyone from Draakana and Avalar in the Shadow Realm whilst also draining them of their magic, it is also thanks to his meddling with Dark Aether that resulted in his Purple scales. And whilst Spyro would defeat him just like any other villain before hand the Calamity would have had irreparable damage to the world such as the formation of the Ancient Grove a poisonous forest that corrupts all that enter it. And it even changed the nature of the Purple Dragon.
The Age of Malefor
After an unknown amount of time Spyro would grow older and more powerfull having returned to his home of Artisans but some noticed that he would start to behave oddly, he would start to become more and more obsessed with Aether and other elements and eventually fell to the temptations of Dark Aether. This let him to be exiled and he eventually found himself in a place where Dark Aether was most abundant a place that would eventually become the well of souls. If only the Elders had paid attention to Spyro they would have noticed the weird glow in his eyes, and the fact that it looked as if there was something missing. This now soulless husk that was once the Hero of the Realms completely taken over by Dark Aether now dubbed himself Malefor the Dark Master, and he let a campaign of terror against his own kind, destroying the Artisans homeworld leaving it as a useless ruins that got covered up by the ground only to be rediscovered in the future and be renamed as the Ruins of Warfang. The same happenend to the Dream Weavers which Malefor let fall to the ground destroying the landscape and distorting it with runaway magic. Together with his Ape army he waged war agains all other Realms, using the improved Dark Gems now known as Dark Crystals to drain magic of both Dragons and other creatures to fuel his army and ambitions. Luckily for the rest of the world the Dragon Elders and Spyro's old friends managed to corner Malefor and trap him in the Shadow Realms or atleast his Essence, whilst the evil force that has taken his souls place was trapped in the well of Souls.
The Legend begins
Despite Malefor being trapped the damage was still done, much of the world was without magic and the portals became useless, not just that but many started to mistrust Dragons thanks to the ongoing war and many dragons have been killed during the war. But all would change when a new Purple Dragon would be born, who would for some reason insist on being called Spyro not even he knows why. After an attack from the apes on his home with the Dragonflies Spyro learns he isn't one of them and sets out to find where he belongs. It was at this moment that the found Ignitus the Dragon that was task with gaurding the eggs all those years ago, and after learning his name he was of course suprised but the decided to keep it to himself. After their meeting Spyro and Ignitus would retake the Temple and set out to save the othe Gaurdians from Cynder, with him traveling to the Elemental islands which cumulated in him ending up saving Ignitus in the ruins of Dreamweavers now known as the Concurrent Skies, it was here where Spyro learned about Cynders past and followed her to Convexity the place where the Dragon Realms and the Shadow Realms meet. And where Spyro and Cynder fought and whilst Spyro did defeat and save Cynder from her corruption but Malefor's essence is freed from the Shadow Realm, since then Cynder lived with Spyro and the Gaurdians at the Temple but what she has done under Malefors control still haunts her.
A couple of weeks later the Eternal Night approaches an event where the two celestial moons would eclipse and allow spirits to wander the Well of Souls, Spyro would be sent out to stop the Ape king Gaul and to find Cynder who fled the Dragon Temple thanks to her guilt, with spyro also having been tasked with finding the chronicler who has been contacting Spyro in his dreams. Spyros first stop would be the Ancient Grove a large forest that was corrupted by Dark Aether during the Calamity that at this point happenend centuries ago, and is gaurded by Arborik a large tree golem that was created by Malefor as an artificial soldier. But after Spyro defeated him he was kidnapped by a group of pirates and forced into an arena, it was during this time he got a letter addressed by Hunter of Avalar and had a short reunion with Cynder before Gauls forces attacked the pirates and kidnapped her, Spyro used the distraction to escape the pirates but during is flight away from the ship he fell unconscious thanks to the Chronicler, only to be saved by a leviathan who brought him to the shores of the White Isle.
The White Isle is an ancient Island that houses all of Dragon knowledge and is believed to have been created since the beginning of time, with the first Chronicler being also the first Purple Dragon. After Spyro met the Chronicler he told him that he led Spyro here to wait out Malefors return, but after Spyro learned that this would cause Cynder to return to Malefors control he choose to go to the Well of Souls to stop him there and then. And after a long battle on his way to the top and a fight against Gaul who incapacitated Cynder Spyro would fall in the energy beam that sat at the center of the arena, which caused Dark Aether to start corrupting the young Dragon much like it had done before with his previous life. And after this newly formed "Dark Spyro" gave Gaul the finishing blow he flew up to Cynder and Sparx who where horrified to see what had become of Spyro, with Cynder tackling Spyro out of the Energy beam which luckily turned him back to normal. But the Well of Souls started to collapse around them thanks to Malefors return, so Spyro would use his Dragon time ability to freeze them into a large crystal and protect them from the collapsing mountain.
During this three years would pass and during those years Malefor would cause even more damage to the world, first he corrupted the apes into shadowy monsters because he felt that they only followed him for power instead of loyalty, and then he destroyed the magic Crafters homeworld turning it into the Burned Lands whilst raising the ancient temples high up into the skies. After this he sent out his new artificial soldiers out to attack the Realms and used Dark Crystals to once again drain the lands of magic. At the end of those three years Hunter would finally find Spyro and Cynder only to be beaten by Malefors forces who took them to the catacombs which at some point where known as the Celestial Plains, both Spyro and Cynder would wake up at this place and fight their way out of it and finally meet up with Hunter who explained that he was sent out by Ignitus after Spyro didn't return to the temple, as well as the three years that they where absent.
After this they join him and travel to Warfang after a quick disagreement in the Valley of Avalar, a name that for some reason sound familiar to Spyro they found themselves in Warfang, right in the middle of a seige by Malefors army. And after Spyro and Cynder fight themselves through he city and defeat the giant lava golem they reunite with Ignitus, with Cynder asking if they could do something about the magic chains that keep Spyro and Cynder trapped together only to learn much to her annoyance that there is nothing they could do about it. After a short celebration of their victory malefor would announce the return of the Destroyer who would created the belt of fire that will destroy all life on the planet, so Spyro and Cynder would go through the Ruins of Warfang which housed the leftovers of Artisans and open the gate for the Gaurdians and other Dragons to ambush the destroyer in the valley.
After making their way to the valley they noticed that the Destroyer moved to quickly to catch up to them, only for Cynder to suggest to blow the Dam so that the water would slow it down. And so they did after which they destroyed the Dark Crystals that controlled the beast including the ones on the inside, but before they could celebrate Malefor reanimated it with his dark powers this let Ignitus with no choice but to take Spyro and Cynder through the now weaker belt of fire to confront Malefor head on, whilst sending the other Gaurdians to help the other inhabitants to hide underground far away from the surface. However even with Ignitus being an fire Gaurdian the flames eventually overtake him and with his last powers sents Spyro and Cynder through the belt killing him in the progress, this leaves Spyro distraught and he lets the darkness overtake him luckily for him Cynder is there to remind him that he's not alone. And both race through the Burned Lands and the Floating Isle's to confront Malefor before it is to late.
After finally making their way to Malefor the two Purple Dragons finally meet, with Malefor starting to create doubts in both Spyro and Cynder which allows him to sortly retake control of Cynder. During this Malefor would start to taunt Spyro leaving some hints about how they're the same, something Spyro would mistake as meaning something else and he almost gave up completely believing he had failed to protect Cynder, Ignitus and the others. This allowed Cynder to break free, and Malefor to fly in a fit of rage with the battle for the fate of the world finally beginning.
At first they battled high above the volcano but after the Destroyer finally entered it the planet started to break apart, and the fight went on in the same Volcano and the falling Temple that Malefor called home. With them eventually making their way to the core of the Planet, which was made from solid Aether, and with both sides giving one last Aether attack with Spyro and Cynder finally overtaking Malefor he falls on the Crystal and the Light Aether spirits take Malefor away, and hopefully destroying the Dark Spirit that had taken over the old Spyro's body all those centuries ago. But this wasn't the end yet because even with Malefor gone the world was still falling apart, and Spyro saw one last option telling Cynder to leave to life another day for he might not make it out this time, but Cynder choose to stay by Spyro's side and with one last use of Dragon time now amplified by Light Aether, and Cynders declaration of love Spyro stopped the world from falling apart creating a new era for the survivors.
And that's where our story ends the world now exists as a group of floating islands hold together by magic which finally started to really return, and Ignitus became the new Chronicler who started to look where Spyro and Cynder ended up, seeing how they're not in the book of dead dragons. What happens after this is anyones guess, maybe a new Purple Dragon would be born who would protect these newly formed Skylands.

So a player of mine wanted to play a barbarian run in a homebrew world of mine, part of a specific tribe with some existing lore. I like making homebrew for my particular world so we came up with this Totem-Barbarian doppelganger.
Also, as a rule I understand this class is going to be powerful, or at least that's the hope. I want to balance it to newer books mainly so its slightly over-tuned in places, I just want to know if people think this looks reasonable, or blatantly undeoverpowered.
Also, finally a quick lore explanation for the flavour of the Body/Mind/Soul thing as the tribe understands it, because it subverts typical dnd attributes slightly:
The Body refers to the resilience and strength, Wisdom & Constitution sort of
The Mind refers to control and focus, Dexterity and Charisma sort of
The Soul refers to your personality, the motivation to continue, the fire inside that burns, Strength and Intelligence kind of focus
(These all make a lot more sense with the context of the god's personalities)
That's all for the rant, thank you and my apologies for the essay.

Path of the

3rd Level: Blessings of the Tribunal: To gain boon from the tribunal gods, you must pledge yourself to one of them above all others, for mastery comes at an absolute cost.
When you adopt this path, you must pledge yourself to either The Body, The Mind, or The Soul and gain its respective boon. Your choice is final, and will affect some of your later features.

• The Body. Whenever you make a Wisdom Check, you gain a bonus to the Check equal to your Strength modifier (minimum of +1).
• The Mind. Whenever you make a Charisma Check, you gain a bonus to the Check equal to your Strength modifier (minimum of +1).
• The Soul. Whenever you make an Intelligence Check, you gain a bonus to the Check equal to your Strength modifier (minimum of +1).

3rd Level: Rage of the Gods: The tribunal gods of have granted you their blessings, possessing you with skilful control of mind, mind, and soul while you rage.
When you enter a Rage, you can choose to embody one of the Tribunal Gods: the Body, the Mind, or the Soul, regardless of which god's boon you accepted. When you Rage in this way, the nature of your Rage is altered as described below. You can embody only one of these Tribunal Gods while raging.

• The Body. While possessed by the Body, you fight with powerful precision, using your body to protect yourself and your allies. For the duration of this Rage, it is modified by the following Features:
  • At the start of each of your turns, you gain Temporary Hit Points equal to your Barbarian Level.
  • Hostile Creatures treat the ground within 10 feet of you as Difficult Terrain.
  • Allies within 10 feet of you gain the benefits of Half Cover.
• The Mind. While possessed by the mind, you fight with grace and tact, skilfully weaving in and out of enemies and allies alike. For the duration of this Rage, it is modified by the following Features:
  • You cannot make use of your Reckless Attack Feature.
  • You do not provoke Opportunity Attacks.
  • When you make an Attack with a One-Handed Weapon in your main hand, you can make one additional Attack with a One-Handed Weapon in your offhand against a different Creature as part of the same Attack Action. You can only make this extra Attack once per turn, and only if you are wielding only One-Handed Weapons without the Heavy or Versatile Properties.
• The Soul. While possessed by the Soul, you fight with ferocious strength and determination, solving problems with direct and often lethal force. For the duration of this Rage, it is modified by the following Features:
  • Each attack you make while Raging must make use of your Reckless Attack Feature.
  • Each time you hit a Hostile Creature with a Melee Weapon Attack, you gain an additional +1 bonus to the extra damage granted by your Rage. This bonus cannot exceed half your Barbarian Level, and lasts until you miss an Attack or your Rage ends.

6th Level: Tribunal Aspect: You gain an additional boon from your pledged tribunal god.
You gain one of the following Features, corresponding to the god you pledged to at 3rd Level:

• The Body. While Raging, you cannot be moved or knocked Prone against your will. Additionally, the first time you would be reduced to 0 hit points but not killed outright during your Rage, you can instead drop to 1 Hit Point.
• The Mind. While Raging, you gain Resistance to Psychic Damage and gain Advantage on Saving Throws against being Charmed or Frightened. Additionally, when an enemy misses you with an Attack, they take Psychic Damage equal to your half your Strength Modifier, rounded down.
• The Soul. While Raging, your Melee Weapon Attacks score a Critical Hit on a roll of 19-20. Additionally, as a Reaction to taking damage while Raging, you can grant yourself a bonus to the next Attack Roll you make against that Creature, equal to your current Rage Damage Bonus.

10th Level: Divine Fortitude: The influence of the tribunal gods has made you more resistant to impure or harmful influences.
You gain one of the following Features, corresponding to the god you pledged to at 3rd and 6th Level:

• The Body. When making a Wisdom Saving Throw, you can add your Strength Modifier to the roll.
• The Mind. When making a Charisma Saving Throw, you can add your Strength Modifier to the roll.
• The Soul. When making an Intelligence Saving Throw, you can add your Strength Modifier to the roll.

14th Level: Avatar of the Tribunal. You embody the tribunal gods as a living avatar of their will, wielding divine power even while not possessed.
You gain one of the following Features, corresponding to the god you pledged to at 3rd, 6th, and 10th Level:

• Avatar of the Body. You and all allies within 10 feet of you gain the benefits of half cover, and while Raging, this benefit extends to become full cover for your allies within range. Additionally, as a Reaction to an Ally within 10 feet of you being attacked, you can impose Disadvantage on the roll, and if possible, redirect the Attack Roll to target you.
• Avatar of the Mind. You and all allies within 10 feet of you cannot be Surprised, and you gain Advantage on Initiative Rolls. Additionally, when you hit a creature with a Melee Weapon Attack on your turn while Raging, you can force the creature to make a Wisdom Saving Throw (DC = 8 + your Proficiency Bonus + your Strength Modifier). On a failed Save, the creature is Stunned until the start of your next turn. This effect can only occur once per turn.
• Avatar of the Soul. You and all allies within 10 feet of you have Advantage on Saving Throws against being Charmed, Frightened, Paralyzed, or Stunned. Additionally, while Raging your Melee Weapon Attacks deal an additional 2d6 Radiant Damage, as well as scoring a Critical Hit on a roll of 18-20.

*Please do not join if you just want to hookup. I prefer if we vibe with the music, talk, connect with each other, and ya' know, enjoy to the dancefloor ^^
Resident here, 28M Call Time: 21:00 - 21:30 pm, JST Meetup Spot: Shibuya Station (Within Hachiko area, for all intents and purposes)
I'm willing to adopt 3 to 5 people (Already established groups are also welcome) - Just Comment and I'll try to DM you. (I'll try to finalize things by 17:00 pm in our DMs)
About Me: 5 year resident of Osaka, used to go clubbing 2-3 times a week with my friend's crew. Now, here in Tokyo because the grass is greener on the other side (￥￥￥￥￥￥) . Have strong alchohol tolerance. Never been featured in a Shibuya Meltdown viral video.
My Music Preference on a Night Out: Hip-hop . Don't worry, I also vibe to 90s and early 2000s Anisongs during my free time.
Important Reminders & Notes: PLEASE BRING A VALID ID WITH YOUR BIRTHDATE AND PHOTO. 1. Tourists - Bring your Passport at all times

2. Residents - Do not forget your Residence Card, Driver's License, or etc.

Budget not including your transport : *Varies to how much alchohol you are willing to chug First 2 hours: JPY 2,000 3-4 hours: 4,000 to 10,000 JPY

Be a homie till next morning: 8,000 JPY to 20,000 JPY

Dress Code: ↳Bouncers and Receptionists may check you down top, so please do not come in flip flops o your fave shirt (with obvious holes) on the day itself. Also, if you come in wearing your favourite anime T-shirt freshly bought from COSPA, high chance you will be rejected. No Cap.

↳Baiscally, do not wear tacky clothing.

The Flow: During a friday night out, I spend clubbing or going to bars till the sun shines, so usually from 9pm to 5am, next morning. You are free to leave at any time or be my partnes in crime till the sun shines.
On a nightout in Shibuya, I always prioritize going to Neverland Tokyo for the best deal in town. ↳ Opens 20:00 pm , we spend 1 to 2 hours here depending on the crowd & vibe ・With only 1,200 JPY for the gents and free entry for the ladies ・If you enter before 24:00 - Free food and Drinks till 24:00 , Otherwise you only get 1 drink stub
After vibing, getting to know each other, and setting the mood of our night, we can start club hopping. You may google other clubs and its rates in advance such as: Atom (near Neverland), Harlem (also near Neverland), Ce La Vi (Strict Dresscode, high chance being our 2nd destination), TK NIGHTCLUB, WOMB, club asia, camelot, or etc. After clubhopping 2 to 3 clubs, we may also settle hanging out inside a bar and just spend the rest of our night there.

About the Music: Differs from the DJ performing but my most consistent experience of club hopping 4-5 clubs a night are: Mainstream JP Club Music not limited to POP(Never ending 2008-2015 music), House & EDM, a bit of Reggae(cycled within 3 Bob Marley Songs), electro, and random JP Rap/Hip-hop songs that only the locals can vibe (You'll know this part when all the young ones can sing the lyrics like you with Rap God)
JP tier Hip-hop is played but only well-known artists such as Lil Wayne, Snoop Dogg, and etc. But the top Hip-hop artists by these JP Clubs are "Drake" and "Bruno Mars". ※Hearing a song from Black Hippy, Dreamville, and etc. is as rare as your deadbeat dad returning with not one but three jugs of milk and an expired coupon from Applebees.
On a side note: Its a golden rule in JP Clubs that DJs will play is Wiz Khalifa's "See you again" during closing time at 5am. Also, I bet with my heart and soul that "Macarena" by Los del Rio will be played when the DJs don't know what to do next.

If things go smooth, I can start hosting this twice or once a month. (I'm personally planning to visit 10AK Tokyo on my next night out)

If you got any questions, just comment and I'll try to answer

I, 14f, met this guy, 16m, after moving to a new school. I really liked him, I’d even use the word love if it wasn’t for the fact we had only been talking for at least two months. He admitted to liking me back and I assumed that he was telling the truth. He was my first kiss, first guy to hug me, the first guy to hold hands with me, and we were getting pretty serious I guess, but never became an offical couple or anything. I met his family, as well as his bsf and their parents too. And after awhile, we decided to hang out for the first time.
My dad was out for two weeks as usual for work, and we had the place to ourselves. His mum dropped him off at the IGA that was nearby my house. She assumed we’d be talking and walking around the neighbourhood the entire two hours we’d be together. We got food from the store then walked back to mine. We had planned to hang out days before, and I suggested we could watch horror movies and cuddle, or even bake and make TikToks, like normal teenager stuff. But as soon as we walked through the front and door and into the kitchen, he started to kiss my neck and move his hands into my pants. I guess I kinda froze for a few seconds and stood there before eventually grabbing his hand out of my leggings. I have a tendency to laugh and smile In situations that make me nervous, so I just said that we should slow down maybe, because we only just got inside. And made a joke asking “what happened to just watching movies??”
A little backstory - we had spoken sexually before and we both wanted to have sex and explore all of that stuff at some point, but at the time when he was in my house and touching me like that, I was scared. He’s had a lot of previous experience with sex and a lot of exs as well as former talking stages. But I had never had much contact with any men other than my dad, so I was afraid. I was okay with kissing and hugging but, he continued to put his hand back into my pants when I tried getting him to stop. He was like rubbing against my cl1t, and even then I didn’t feel any excitement down there, it was just all too weird for me. I told him I was nervous, that I wasn’t ready for that yet, and that i was scared. I kept saying that over and over again. But I guess I just let it happen because I wasn’t speaking firmly enough. I didn’t tell him no, and he already had condoms so I felt saying anything would make the next hours really awkward for the both of us.
We ended up upstairs on my bed, we were kissing, not making out. I don’t even know how to and he kept asking to try. It was really akward for me doing it but I liked him a lot so I was willing to try what he wanted. He ended sticking my hand into his pants to feel that he was hard, that was pretty weird for me because all of this was so new and different then what I expected it was going to be like. I wasn’t horny or anything, if anything I just felt too scared to feel sexually excited at that point. He ended up noticing I was shaking and asked why and i explained I was afraid and still wasn’t sure if I was ready. He kept telling me it was going to be okay, and eventually I just tried my best to enjoy it.
The intimacy was horrible, even though it was my first, I knew it was pretty bad. I never ended up finishing and I just wasn’t feeling much down there. It just hurt really bad. I kept my underwear on for the first half because I have an outie and I’m insecure of how it looks. He said I could leave it on if I wanted too, but I think he was getting abit frustrated by it so I took it off. I froze for abit then after a while I tried moaning and went along with other positions to get him to feel good, but it really wasn’t working. He was really rough, at some point during the sex, he wanted me to give him head. I agreed but I went really slow and didn’t really want to take the whole thing inside my mouth. So he started to to grab and pull on my hair to get me to go faster, I accidentally used teeth and had to pull back multiple times to cough while asking him to stop doing that and let me try because I couldn’t really breath. He kept doing it even thought I had to slap his hand away multiple times to tell him to stop, even though he didn’t.
I’m not sure if any of that counted as a SA or not, I dont think I was ready and didn’t really want it in the first place if I’m being honest. But eventually I thought it’d be too awkward for me to say anything. Plus I really liked him, and I wanted him to like me. I never said no, and I don’t think I was being firm enough. During the intimacy, I told him I loved him, I held him, and we had a shower afterwards and talked for awhile before he left. I think I looked too enthusiastic for it, I think kissing back was giving my consent for all of that to happen, and that not saying anything made all of this okay. I definitely blame myself for being to scared to stop it.
He ended up leaving me afterwards, saying I was too needy and that he didn’t like my outie and called it roast beef and kebab flaps. Apparently he prefers them to be tight and bubblegum pink. He told me I was just a free trial and to get lost and even sent me death threats. We had a huge argument and I kinda cried for weeks, since it was school break, I wouldn’t leave my bed because I felt so betrayed. I really liked the guy, and he knew how scared I was to lose my virginity to a person who didn’t deserve it. He was my first for everything and he never even liked me. He spread rumours about me and my body and school, and now his friends call me a root n boot when I walk by. I wish I never spoke to him in the first place.
So reddit, was it SA? Or am I being dramatic like I think I am
TL:DR - to the lazy ppl who can’t be bothered to read any of it, I’m pretty sure I got pressured into sex then got dumped.

I’ve had it easy
And I’ve been blessed
To only suffer the feeling
For those with less
And those with more
Of the carnage of war
That pounds unwelcome at their door
That brings down the roof
And scars the youth
Of tens of thousands
Who are used to playing
Going to school
And maybe just losing their first front tooth
And now a hand
And now a leg
And now a parent
And now a friend
And now a family
And now a future
And now the vividness of sense
Vanishing with their view
And what happens then, I cannot say
I only see pictures of their pain
This I’ve understood
That I have had it good
Though I’m trained to think that I’m in need
By the vulturous advertiser’s greed
And my problems have all been imagined ones
Internal battles with my own demons
The battles of one’s own existence
The persistence of my own resistance
To such inevitabilities of life:
Universal failures, strivings, strife
That distract all us living from our dying
But again there are the very many
Whose peace must come among with plenty
of things not other than agonies
Nothing other than tragedies,
And not of chance but travesty
The contortions of humanity
The results of the depravity
Of those hearts that are but a cavity
And callous to the gravity
Of a single person multiplied
By the millions more amplified
By the screaming of each and all
The loudness of unanswered calls
The desperate wails that overcome
The visions of the tons and tons
Of bodies piling in the sun
The former loved and loving ones
No longer…
looking like…
Persons
For evil ideologues there are calculations:
Who can we trick into taking our side?
Who can we get to fund our supplies?
When can we erase them and begin renovations?
What can we gain from this mass starvation?
And this is what the killers think
That flesh and blood
And beings that breathe
Have no value guaranteed
Not to mention the truths perceived
In years and years of life elapsed
In the children’s futures and elders’ pasts
No different than buildings collapsed
And we all can see
Though some deny
And others turn away their eyes
We all can think
And know the lies
Forget for a second our piece of the pie
We all can hear
The babies’ cries
How many more are going to die?
If you have the power it’s time to decide

I’ve had it easy And I’ve been blessed To only suffer the feeling For those with less And those with more Of the carnage of war That pounds unwelcome at their door That brings down the roof And scars the youth Of tens of thousands Who are used to playing Going to school And maybe just losing their first front tooth And now a hand And now a leg And now a parent And now a friend And now a family And now a future And now the vividness of sense Vanishing with their view And what happens then, I cannot say I only see pictures of their pain This I’ve understood That I have had it good Though I’m trained to think that I’m in need By the vulturous advertiser’s greed And my problems have all been imagined ones Internal battles with my own demons The battles of one’s own existence The persistence of my own resistance To such inevitabilities of life: Universal failures, strivings, strife That distract all us living from our dying But again there are the very many Whose peace must come among with plenty of things not other than agonies Nothing other than tragedies, And not of chance but travesty The contortions of humanity The results of the depravity Of those hearts that are but a cavity And callous to the gravity Of a single person multiplied By the millions more amplified By the screaming of each and all The loudness of unanswered calls The desperate wails that overcome The visions of the tons and tons Of bodies piling in the sun The former loved and loving ones No longer… looking like… Persons For evil ideologues there are calculations: Who can we trick into taking our side? Who can we get to fund our supplies? When can we erase them and begin renovations? What can we gain from this mass starvation? And this is what the killers think That flesh and blood And beings that breathe Have no value guaranteed Not to mention the truths perceived In years and years of life elapsed In the children’s futures and elders’ pasts No different than buildings collapsed And we all can see Though some deny And others turn away their eyes We all can think And know the lies Forget for a second our piece of the pie We all can hear The babies’ cries How many more are going to die? If you have the power it’s time to decide

TW talks Alcoholism and Verbal Abuse
My (27F) parents (53M & 53F) separated on Monday due to my father’s drinking. My dad has been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. Growing up, we left on 3 different occasions and stayed with my grandparents anywhere from 3 days to 3 months at a time. I was ages 12, 14, and 16. Each time, my mom went back because my dad stopped drinking. He said that he missed his family and he couldn’t stand his kids not talking to him.
This time around, I’m 27 with my own family (husband, 30M & daughter 7monthF). I am currently in school to be a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and have learned a lot about addiction through my years of schooling as well as experience in the field. I have gone through therapy myself to deal with the trauma of growing up with an alcoholic and what I now realize, narcissistic, father.
When my mom left on Monday, I told her I 100% support her and wish she had left him sooner. This time I hope she does divorce him because it’s the first time she has said she wants a divorce. Where the issue lies is that I reached out my father last night. I sent him a simple video of a fox in my yard that always visits. He finds it so cool that I have a fox around since I live in the suburbs outside of Philly and it’s the last place we expected to see foxes. I sent him that video for me to see if he would respond or if he’s so deep into drinking right now that he would ignore it. He responded this morning.
While on the phone with my mom this morning. I casually mentioned that I sent him that fox video and he didn’t respond till the morning, so I assumed he was drinking all night. She was immediately upset. She said my other two siblings (31M & 24F) are not talking to my dad because of how mean he is to my mom when he’s drinking. I told her I reached out for me and I was hoping that by one of the kids still talking to him normally that he would be less hostile towards her if they go through a divorce. I told her I plan to lay out boundaries like that he cannot speak poorly of my mother to me or my child, he will not be intoxicated around my child, and he will not be verbally abusive to me or to / around my child.
She said that by acting like everything is okay between him and I, that I am condoning his actions towards my mom. I told her that I’m sorry if me reaching out to him hurt her and that wasn’t my intention. I do not condone the way he treats my mom and I have stuck up for her many times when he has been verbally abusive to her when I am around.
I want to make this process easier for her by keeping peace with my dad. I also told her that every time she has left he got sober again for the kids because we wouldn’t speak to him, and that I want him to get sober for himself this time. That I also don’t want my mom to go back to him if he gets sober because his kids won’t speak to him.
Basically, I’m seeing the same cycle from my teen years playing out again as an adult and I do not want to react the same way my teenage self did. I do plan on cutting my dad off if he crosses my boundaries I plan to lay out when I see him next. But my mom thinks I’m taking his side now because I sent a video of a fox to him. Meanwhile I FaceTime my mom every day. Sometimes 2-3x a day since she left him. I live 4 hours away so I go visit about once a month.
I told her I am not picking sides and I intend on maintaining my relationships with both parents as long as each person respects my boundaries. I plan to support my mom financially through this and give her a place to stay with me whenever she wants. I told her there is only “one side” and that’s the side that my dad is an alcoholic who needs help and my mom is who he takes his anger out on and she needs to get out of that situation. Both parents need my help and I intend on helping both of them how they need me to unless one of them disrespect me or my family.
So AITA for wanting to maintain a relationship with both parents? Should I cut my dad off for his drinking and verbal abuse that has hurt us and my mom for so many years? Or should I maintain the Switzerland approach.
TLDR; My mom left my dad due to drinking and mental/verbal abuse and she believes I am in the wrong for wanting to still maintain a relationship with him.

I left a 6 year toxic relationship with my narcissist ex 3 months ago. But he moved out 2 months ago. I found myself crying over him last night battling my thoughts on missing him. A part of me knows finally leaving this relationship is what is best of me, part of me feels like I’ll find true love with someone that would never ever hurt me (intentionally), and a part of me is terrified to date again. A part of me feels like I’m going to die alone :(. I met a man about a month ago and I had a crush on him, but he turned me off so I cut him loose. I feel like because of what I went through with my ex, the tiniest of “red flags” make me run away and that’s why I’ll be single forever. Cuz I’m going to be so focused on meeting a man that won’t ever push my boundaries, ever make me question him, or ever just… let me down in any way shape or form… but I just feel like it’s not possible. It’s not possible to find a “perfect” person that won’t ever make me uncomfortable or feel icky or hurt me. Sometimes I think “maybe I should just accept the way my ex was and work things out”. I find myself missing his body. I miss the way we joked around. But I don’t miss the lying, the cheating, the sneakiness, the gaslighting, the arguements, the false accusations that were just confessions, the nights of loneliness and tears wondering where he was, the ghosting. I know I can never go back… am I just feeling like this because it’s only been 2 months since he has been out of my home? I know I shouldn’t go back with him and I won’t. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it.
I’m terrified. I’m terrified of meeting a nice man that disguises himself as being nice until it’s too late. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I don’t want to go through what I went through. I’m so scared of getting married, cuz I’m scared of divorce. I am scared of getting betrayed. How do I overcome this. Someone please talk some sense into me. Sometimes I think “If I’m going to get mistreated anyway, I might as well just stay with the person I know best (my ex)”. I feel like cheating is so common and easy now a days, it makes me want to not even try dating. I hope this is just a phase.

I’ve had it easy And I’ve been blessed To only suffer the feeling For those with less And those with more Of the carnage of war That pounds unwelcome at their door That brings down the roof And scars the youth Of tens of thousands Who are used to playing Going to school And maybe just losing their first front tooth And now a hand And now a leg And now a parent And now a friend And now a family And now a future And now the vividness of sense Vanishing with their view And what happens then, I cannot say I only see pictures of their pain This I’ve understood That I have had it good Though I’m trained to think that I’m in need By the vulturous advertiser’s greed And my problems have all been imagined ones Internal battles with my own demons The battles of one’s own existence The persistence of my own resistance To such inevitabilities of life: Universal failures, strivings, strife That distract all us living from our dying But again there are the very many Whose peace must come among with plenty of things not other than agonies Nothing other than tragedies, And not of chance but travesty The contortions of humanity The results of the depravity Of those hearts that are but a cavity And callous to the gravity Of a single person multiplied By the millions more amplified By the screaming of each and all The loudness of unanswered calls The desperate wails that overcome The visions of the tons and tons Of bodies piling in the sun The former loved and loving ones No longer… looking like… Persons For evil ideologues there are calculations: Who can we trick into taking our side? Who can we get to fund our supplies? When can we erase them and begin renovations? What can we gain from this mass starvation? And this is what the killers think That flesh and blood And beings that breathe Have no value guaranteed Not to mention the truths perceived In years and years of life elapsed In the children’s futures and elders’ pasts No different than buildings collapsed And we all can see Though some deny And others turn away their eyes We all can think And know the lies Forget for a second our piece of the pie We all can hear The babies’ cries How many more are going to die? If you have the power it’s time to decide

I’ve had it easy
And I’ve been blessed
To only suffer the feeling
For those with less
And those with more
Of the carnage of war
That pounds unwelcome at their door
That brings down the roof
And scars the youth
Of tens of thousands
Who are used to playing
Going to school
And maybe just losing their first front tooth
And now a hand
And now a leg
And now a parent
And now a friend
And now a family
And now a future
And now the vividness of sense
Vanishing with their view
And what happens then, I cannot say
I only see pictures of their pain
This I’ve understood
That I have had it good
Though I’m trained to think that I’m in need
By the vulturous advertiser’s greed
And my problems have all been imagined ones
Internal battles with my own demons
The battles of one’s own existence
The persistence of my own resistance
To such inevitabilities of life:
Universal failures, strivings, strife
That distract all us living from our dying
But again there are the very many
Whose peace must come among with plenty
of things not other than agonies
Nothing other than tragedies,
And not of chance but travesty
The contortions of humanity
The results of the depravity
Of those hearts that are but a cavity
And callous to the gravity
Of a single person multiplied
By the millions more amplified
By the screaming of each and all
The loudness of unanswered calls
The desperate wails that overcome
The visions of the tons and tons
Of bodies piling in the sun
The former loved and loving ones
No longer…
looking like…
Persons
For evil ideologues there are calculations:
Who can we trick into taking our side?
Who can we get to fund our supplies?
When can we erase them and begin renovations?
What can we gain from this mass starvation?
And this is what the killers think
That flesh and blood
And beings that breathe
Have no value guaranteed
Not to mention the truths perceived
In years and years of life elapsed
In the children’s futures and elders’ pasts
No different than buildings collapsed
And we all can see
Though some deny
And others turn away their eyes
We all can think
And know the lies
Forget for a second our piece of the pie
We all can hear
The babies’ cries
How many more are going to die?
If you have the power it’s time to decide

Hypoglycemic episodes but not quite—what questions can I ask? I’m 23F, AFAB I have atypical Cystic Fibrosis, I’m pancreatic sufficient, and no CFRD. for the past 2-3 years I’ve been having episodes that seem to mimic postprandial hypoglycemia but my levels are always above 70. I’ve had a few fasting readings that are 67-69 but I don’t have any symptoms then. The symptoms start within an hour or so of eating and my levels will be 70-80 but get to 100ish 3-4 hours after eating, which does make me nervous that something insulin related is going on. My blood pressure is normal but tends to be on the low side as well.
The episodes mostly correspond with the 7-12 days before my period but it’s not uncommon for them to happen outside of that range. The symptoms are: - high heart rate (130-150) even if at rest (resting heart rate when I’m not having an episode is 60-70 range - shaking - sweating - confusion (including slurring/stammering and switching words around) - weird tingly rising feeling inside - mouth tastes like sand/ash regardless of food or drink - pallor - certain edges blur in my vision; like where the walls meet the ceiling or floors - more frequent urination with lower output - chills
There are a few things that don’t happen every time I have an episode but have happened more than once: - Pain behind eyes - intense headache that disappears quickly
I’ve tried adjusting my diet in every way I can think of (and GI and nutrition have suggested) and nothing really seems to have an impact. Drinking sugar during/after an episode does help a bit but not by much.
My CF team seems to kind of be at a loss. All of my bloodwork is normal, weight and PFTs are fine. They’re sending me to a gynecologist because of how the episodes tend to correspond with my period. I am also seeing my PCP to get my heart checked soon.
Meds: Bupropion 450 (had been on this for about 2 years before any of these symptoms started) Levalbuterol (10+ years) Trikafta (3 years ish) Mirena iud, placed fall 2019
Vitamins Women’s one a day 2000 iu d3
Other diagnoses: PTSD/CPTSD (incest/rape trauma related, not sure how relevant that it is but I’m trying to be more detailed than not ) Major depression General anxiety Insomnia (PTSD related)
Psych meds I’ve tried a while ago but didn’t help: - Zoloft (brain fog was way worse) - lexapro (would not stay in my system, to put it politely) - latuda (didn’t do anything)
I edited my post on cysticfibrosis after someone recommended I post here,so this part isn’t over there but —one of the things that’s getting truly untenable for me is brain fog/confusion. Since fall 2020 I’ve struggled a lot with brain fog and since it started with PTSD related events my doctors and I have been assuming it to be a mental health thing but I’m not that sure anymore.
The confusion is definitely worse during the episodes I described (and affects stuff like where I walk around and what I put down where, for example, putting my phone in a fridge or not being able to find my car) But day to day—I’m forgetting words and sentences almost immediately after thinking them. My mental health has improved a lot on Wellbutrin but I can’t tell if it’s improved the brain fog at all or just improved the other symptoms like low energy and the can’t get out of bed heaviness.
My major involves a lot of writing and the same assignments that would take me a few several hour sessions, if that, I haven’t been able to complete. I’ve spent 12 hours on essays (with only meal breaks and things like that) with about a paragraph to show for it — but what I can get out never quite matches what I’m thinking. I almost constantly have the feeling of having a word on the tip of my tongue, especially when trying to write. The things I think of seem to float away before I can keep them in my head long enough to write them down. I was supposed to graduate 3 years ago and I’ve been one full time semester’s worth of classes for these past three years because I just can’t get it done. The majority of my depression symptoms that remain have to do with the stress and feelings behind not having finished school despite being so close. On the whole though, my mental health is in the best place it’s been in pretty much my entire life And the other symptoms have improved drastically.
Last note on the day to day brain fog/confusion: I don’t switch words around when I’m not having an episode—but I have been noticing that 0-5 times a day (I can’t say for sure that it happens daily without fail but it definitely happens several times a week) that I do slur sometimes when talking? The beginnings and ends of words will just sort of smush together . This is a relatively recent development (in the last 8 months maybe?) don’t know if that’s normal person stuttering kind of thing but combined with the writing stuff it irks me more than it normally would)
I feel like a lot of these symptoms could be literally anything so I don’t know how to go about narrowing it down.
I have a check up appointment soon and I wanted to see if anyone has any suggestions for other questions or specific testing requests that I can ask my doctors for to help figure this out.
Thank you!

I never thought I’d be sharing this because it’s insanely personal so I’ll try to spare the details.
Basically around 8th grade I was super sick and anxious about high school. I was enrolled in a school that was prestigious but my parents didn’t have enough money compared to my classmates. The school was in a predominantly white area which my parents moved to because they didn’t like the Chinatown we lived in (self hate probably).
So when I was sick, my parents never took me to the doctor and I had to go to school anyways. I had super strict teachers who graded everything way too insanely. With one of them my mom was fed up with but there was nothing we could do about it because my mom has gotten into arguments with the principal and isn’t allowed to contact the school anymore. My dad was somewhat out of the picture for business.
The whole year I felt like shit because of my parents not caring about my health and putting grades over everything. I was losing my memory and had headaches all the time. And I got an insanely racist attack from someone I thought was my friend. School didn’t do shit cuz her fam donates loads of money. I literally wanted to kill myself at times but no one cared.
In the end I didn’t get into the hs I wanted and my mom lost her marbles. Then suddenly she wanted me to go and didn’t want me to transfer probably cuz driving to that school was convenient. One girl from that school was watching/stalking my family from afar. She was in my neighborhood and math class. She would go to the gym same time as my mom to “befriend” her and my mom fell into the trap. One day she sent me a racist message cuz she was fed up with Asian people in her class and neighborhood. Mom didn’t even believe me at first. School also didn’t do shit about it.
I did have friends but they weren’t there for me and honestly I can’t blame them because they won’t understand my situation ever. So now we’ve moved back to the Chinatown we were living in cuz my mom was facing racism in her work and over can’t hold down a career.
TLDR: shitty period of life caused by AP and surrounding environment. I’m 20 now and this shit from 7-8 years ago still fucks w me and my trust in people.
If you read this far, please let this be the main takeaway: break the cycle by LISTENING TO YOUR KIDS. Don’t even have kids if you haven’t worked on loving yourself or establishing a career. Self hate and instability will always hurt your kids harder!

(continuation of part 3)
Since Fatal Calling is all about Cloud facing his past and his origins, Tifa’s musical theme is most appropriate for the ending cutscene. For all of these reasons, Tifa’s theme is absolutely appropriate for the conclusion of Fatal Calling. It makes a lot of sense then that once Cloud has finished revisiting the past and vanishes with the crystal to find his Promised Land, Tifa’s theme stops and Aerith’s theme begins.
There’s a lot to be said about Sephiroth in Fatal Calling. Sephiroth feeds off of despair, and deems Palamecia’s suffering inadequate: he seeks a much greater source of power than this realm. He states that Palamecia isn’t “the world that was promised to [him]”, referencing his desire to become the god of his core world of FFVII:

“Sephiroth: Melding with the planet, I will cease to exist as I am now only to be reborn as a ‘god’ to rule over every soul” (FFVII OG, disk 1, chapter 25).

Sephiroth’s line “Now, let us return [Cloud]. Back to the Promised Land” reveals he wants to return to their shared core world of FFVII, like we established in our review of the Remake timelines theory (see section “I. a) vii.”). Sephiroth wants to go back to FFVII and modify the OG timeline to achieve his evil goals. This is his ideal scenario, his place of complete happiness: his desired Promised Land. Fatal Calling is setting up Sephiroth’s plans for Remake. In fact, the after-credits scene wherein Sephiroth stands in Nibelheim as it burns confirms his return to the FFVII OG timeline.
However, he isn’t the only one returning. Now that Cloud has revisited his past in Fatal Calling, he’s ready to reach his Promised Land. After Sephiroth’s after-credits scene, the OG FFVII title and logo turn into the FFVII Remake title and logo, indicating a shift: we are now officially in the Remakeera or world. Cloud and Sephiroth disappeared at the end of Fatal Calling, and now the game is telling us where they’ve gone. Combined with Hamaguchi’s recommendation that players complete the collaboration event before playing Remake, I think this is a solid indication that the Cloud and Sephiroth we see in this collaboration event are those we encounter in the Remake world. Once the switch to Remake occurs, Aerith’s theme returns. This communicates that she is indeed —as we’ve proven countless times already— Cloud’s Promised Land. But it also conveys her importance to the story of Remake. Scenario writer Nojima confirmed this:

“Aerith's the most important character in the remake so we paid special attention to her lines” (FFVII Remake Ultimania, section 08 “Secrets”, “Development Staff Interviews, Part 2: Tetsuya Nomura, Yoshinori Kitase, Kazushige Nojima”, page 744).

Aerith was already important to OG, so what could’ve motivated Nojima to state her importance to Remake? Could it be that she’s even more important in the latter than she was in the former? In what way?
That was the collaboration! Before we move on from MFF x FFVII Remake entirely though, let’s glean some more relevant information from some of the collaboration’s promotional material and special features.
~III. e) iii. Promotional Material and Special Features~
Two particular pieces of promotional material for this collaboration stick out to me as extremely relevant. The first is a promotion for a new summons batch in the Mobius FF game, created in honor of the collaboration.
MFF x FFVII Remake Summons Batch Cloud Promo
The summons batch contains three FFVII Remake-themed cards, including a Cloud card. As you can see, this promo reads “Who awaits in the Promised Land?” under Cloud’s picture.
The second is a promotion of an Aerith and summons and an Aerith Job Card (in MFF, Job Cards allow a character to embody an archetype or another character, giving them certain physical traits, clothing, weapons and abilities):
MFF x FFVII Remake Aerith Summons and Job Card Promo
I couldn’t find this picture in English, but the text relevant to us translates to:

“Midgar's Flower Vendor Summons
‘I'm searching for you. I want to meet… you.’
The witch protects the planet, imbues it with power, and leads to the Promised Land.”

A few things here. First, Aerith is referenced by name, and we see a picture of her in her famous praying pose. Secondly, both Cloud and Aerith’s images are attached to the notion of the Promised Land. Cloud’s card asks who awaits there, and Aerith’s evokes a guiding role, as though in response. Thirdly, both Cloud and Aerith are attached to the notion of searching: Cloud searches for the Promised Land and whomever awaits there, and Aerith searches for Cloud’s true self. Speaking of which, the promo also includes parts of Aerith’s famous gondola date quote from OG:

“Aeris: I'm searching for you.
Cloud: …?
Aeris: I want to meet you.
Cloud: But I'm right here.
Aeris: I know, I know... what I mean is... I want to meet... you” (disk 1 chapter 24).

In case you’re wondering about the lady in Aerith’s clothes on the left-hand side, that’s Meia, a character in MFF. She is the “witch” being referred to in the promotional material. She’s often called the Azure Witch. Meia is wearing Aerith’s clothes because a Meia-type Job Card called “Flower Girl of Midgar” was created in honor of the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration:
MFF x FFVII Remake \"Flower Girl of Midgar\" Job Card
There’s even an Aerith outfit you can have Echo wear, and it appears with Wol’s Cloud outfit in the promotional picture:
MFF x FFVII Remake Echo's Aerith Outfit and Wol's Cloud Outfit
To be fair, Tifa also appears in one of these summons promos. However, unlike Aerith’s, her appearance doesn’t reference the Promised Land or her version of the gondola date. She is not presented in connection to Cloud at all. On top of that, while the Aerith and Cloud outfits are promoted together, Tifa is paired with Vincent in the promotional image:
MFF x FFVII Remake Summons Promo Tifa and Vincent
This is hardly indicative of Cloti content in the event collaboration or in Remake.
~III. e) iv. Cloud’s Promised Land~
All in all, the collaboration tells the story of Cloud searching for his Promised Land, just as post-OG Cloud has been shown doing for years and years of canon SE content. Cloud is searching for Aerith in the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration, just like he was in FFT and DFF, and just like he was shown doing in the 30th FF Anniversary Exposition. This is nothing new. However, the collaboration informs us that this mission to be reunited with Aerith is what leads Cloud to enter the world of Remake.
Echo noted that people obtain the Promised Land they deserve rather than the one they want. What does Cloud deserve? I believe the answer is: another chance at saving Aerith.
Cloud needs to start over, from the top. He needs to go back to the very moment he and Avalanche arrived at mako reactor 1 to bomb it. He needs to return to the beginning of the OG game. He needs a redo, a fix-it, another shot at happiness; a remake.

IV. The Hidden Plot Point: Mission Theory

~a) Thesis~
Here lies the heart of my theory. My dear Cleriths, Sephiroth isn’t the only one who travelled back in time to undo destiny and create a reality where things go his way: Remake is also —I would even say primarily— Cloud’s chance to free Aerith from her fate, save her life and secure his shot at happiness with her. That’s why he experiences MOTFs in Remake: he’s done FFVII before and now he’s back, although with only fragments of his memories from OG, to save Aerith. That’s why his triggers all involve Aerith: he doesn’t consciously remember anything from OG, but his grief over Aerith is so strong that it rises from his subconsciousness at the slightest trigger.
In Remake, Cloud remembers some but not all elements of the OG timeline (MOTFs), and it appears he only remembers the most important things: all his MOTFs revolve around Aerith and her fate. Our theory explains why Aerith triggers Cloud’s MOTFs in Remake quite perfectly: he traveled back in time to prevent Aerith’s death from happening. Remake Cloud remembers Aerith because, well, he knows her from OG. Post-OG Cloud has returned to the past to save Aerith, resulting in Remake. This is why seeing her in Remake triggers visions and memories of things that haven’t happened yet in Remake, but have already happened to post-OG Cloud. He recognizes her face on Loveless in Remake because seeing her face again is the whole reason he entered Remake in the first place. His visions of her death when they meet once more at the church, the spike of anxiety and grief as he watches her walk away from him, the constriction in his chest when she talks about doing everything in her power to help the planet… all of it, it’s all his memories of OG being jogged by things related to her death. What he’s forgotten from the OG timeline emerges in flashes of pain, images, memory and emotion. Remember that the language the devs used to describe these instances where Cloud reacts to Aerith in this way is always about “remembering” or “recognizing”; Cloud has to have seen Aerith, known Aerith, loved Aerith, lost Aerith and felt the pain of living without Aerith before in order to recognize and remember these feelings. Think about it: this is the only thing that can explain Cloud’s extremely selective MOTFs and the fact that he has MOTFs at all.
The Remake trilogy is all about Cloud and Sephiroth stepping into the ring one more time, both ready to risk it all to get what they lost in the OG timeline. Sephiroth is hungry for destruction and godhood, while Cloud stands determined to save the love of his life. Fighting for their respective goals, the fated enemies enter a new battle in Remake, one to end the war, both needing to win this time after losing so horribly in OG. Now, it’s all or nothing. Sephiroth vying for the planet, and Cloud reaching out for Aerith.
Cloud’s back with a quest, one he can’t fail— it’s the most secret and important plot point of all. I call this the “Mission Theory”.
~IV. b) Mission Theory Logistics~
There are a few things that remain vague, so I’m going to use this section of the analysis to speculate on the logistics of my theory. We know very little about the hows of the timeline and multiverse shenanigans, so I’m going to hypothesize. However, this analysis is about the whys: so if you’re not interested in mechanical speculation on the logistics of time travel and multiverses, you can totally disregard this section and skip to section “V.”.
~IV. b) i. Cloud the Time-Traveler?~
It’s unclear whether Remake is the result of post-OG Cloud going back in time to try his hand at the OG timeline again, or the result of post-OG Cloud somehow informing OG Cloud that he must save Aerith this time around. It’s vague in the same way that we aren’t sure if Remake Aerith is post-OG Aerith or if she’s been informed by post-OG Aerith via her connection to the Lifestream as a Cetra. Though it doesn’t much matter how Cloud has memories of Aerith’s death in Remake, I personally think that Remake Cloud is a time-traveling post-OG Cloud. My explanation as to why might be a little confusing, so again, feel free to skip to section “V.”.
One must be able to communicate with the Lifestream in order to obtain knowledge of the future. This access can only be granted to the Cetra or to the souls of the deceased that compose the Lifestream itself. Since Cloud is not a Cetra, he cannot commune with the Lifestream while he is alive, meaning a deceased post-OG Cloud would not have been able to communicate his memories of the OG plot-line with a living OG Cloud. Therefore, the only way Remake Cloud could have knowledge of the future (manifested as MOTFs) would be that Remake Cloud is inhabited by his post-OG consciousness. Effectively, this is time-traveling.
Then comes the question of how Cloud was able to time-travel at all. I have what I consider a pretty solid hypothesis. The most interesting thing about the realm of Palamecia is that every FF character that’s ever appeared in the realm for a cameo died in their core world beforehand (spoilers for FFI, FFV, FFVI, FFX, FFXII, FFXIII, FFXV incoming). These characters include Tidus (FFX), Lightning (FFXIII), Garland (FFI), Sephiroth (FFVII), Gilgamesh (FFV), Vargas (FFVI), Gabranth (FFXII) and Ultros (FFXV). My interpretation of Palamecia serves at least partly as a directory for deceased souls that can’t simply fade. For instance, FFX’s Tidus actually came back to life to be with his love>! Yuna !! FFX!<. Of course, MFF x>! FFX !!FFX!< and FFX-2, just like MFF x FFVII Remake came out between FFVII OG and FFVII. And similarly to Fatal Calling, the ending cutscene of MFF x>! FFX !!Next thing you know, FFX-2 comes out and shows Tidus returning to Yuna and their core world in an optional cutscene.!< The MFF x>! FFX !! Tidus !Remake.
~IV. b) ii. Post-OG Cloud’s Amnesia~
If we consider that Remake Cloud is a time-travelling post-OG Cloud who’s returned to the start of the OG timeline, we encounter another logistical problem: why doesn’t Cloud remember everything or most things from the OG plot-line in Remake, like Sephiroth and Remake Aerith do? After all, aren’t the three of them in the same time-travelling boat? Why isn’t Cloud as lucid on the matter as the two others? Didn’t the post-OG Cloud in Fatal Calling face his past and origins? Shouldn’t that mean Cloud would remember all that stuff in Remake from the start?
In OG, the true Cloud’s memories are repressed by both his false persona and Jenova. The latter’s memetic abilities are able to block Cloud’s memories of the past from emerging and conflicting with his SOLDIER persona. For instance, in both OG and Remake, Cloud is unable to hear Aerith tell him Zack’s name in Evergreen Park: Jenova blocks it out. I think this is a similar situation: post-OG Cloud’s consciousness carries memories things that Jenova doesn’t want Cloud to know, so she pushes down on them. On top of that, after travelling through different worlds and back through the Lifestream for who knows how long, post-OG Cloud’s consciousness must be quite weak. We know how good Cloud is at repressing, so it makes total sense to me that post-OG Cloud’s consciousness would be trapped or suppressed somewhere deep in Remake Cloud’s subconsciousness. After all, it’s not like this whole time-travelling-consciousness thing is normal for a mind to experience. It’s no wonder Remake Cloud doesn’t consciously remember how things go in OG. However, post-OG Cloud’s love and grief for Aerith are so strong that memories related to her can occasionally pierce through to his Remake consciousness and Jenova’s barriers, resulting in his MOTFs. His pain and love for her are definitely permanent and strong enough:

“A young woman descended from the Ancients who will forever be engraved in [Cloud’s] heart” (Dirge of Cerberus, Japanese manual, Aerith’s character description).
“I believe for those who formerly traveled with her as comrades and for the viewers, each carries their own feelings and love for Aerith. In this story, Cloud also carries his own undying feelings for Aerith, even to this very day… Its relation with the church scene is… Yup. I’ll leave this part to your imagination. (laughs)” (Nomura interview on Advent Children “Designer’s Note” in Famitsu PS2!magazine, October 24th issue).

So you see, Remake Cloud’s mind is a little more complicated than OG Cloud’s mind. Everything is still the same in Remake as in OG, but with the added complication that his future self is hidden in his subconscious mind, probably trying to get out.
There is actually pretty good evidence of this. I’m sure you’re aware that whenever Jenova is trying to hide something from Cloud or altering his memory and/or perception, the screen glitches green with an audio cue (34:15-34:29, 1:15:30-1:15:41 and 1:17:14-1:17:29). Guess what? These Jenova audiovisual cues also occur during the MOTFs (ie: MOTF 3 2:58-3:07 and MOTF 4 0:29-0:42). Whenever post-OG Cloud’s consciousness encounters anything that reminds it of losing Aerith, the strength of its pain helps it push memories of Aerith to the surface so that RemakeCloud can consciously see them. Remake Cloud then experiences sensations and/or visions, all from his future self’s memories as they rise to the surface, propelled by grief. Jenova can’t allow Remake Cloud to fully recover his post-OG memory, so in order to shut down the process, its cells jump in to repress the MOTFs: this results in the classic Jenova audiovisual cues. The only time Jenova doesn’t bother to fight against a MOTF is the sixth, as it is quite weak: no visions occur, only a tight sensation in his chest.
~IV. b) iii.~ ~Eclipse Contact~ ~and Cloud’s Memories of Reactor 1~
There is one problem I have trouble decoding. In Eclipse Contact, Cloud tells Wol and Echo that the last thing he remembers is the run-up to his arrival at mako reactor 1 (FFVII OG, disk 1, chapter 1). Recall that usually, people summoned to Palamecia have no memories of their world of origin and lives before that point at all. So then why is it that upon being summoned to Palamecia, Cloud recalls the events that took place right before the start of the OG game? This strikes me as highly relevant since this is the exact point in time where post-OG Cloud’s consciousness needs to be transported to in order for Remake to begin, but I haven’t been able to figure out a solid hypothesis on what it could mean. My best guess is that this is the devs’ way of signalling to us that the events of the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration occur before the very beginning of post-OG Cloud’s second try at the OG timeline (Remake).
Now that I’ve shown you how I’ve come to form my Mission Theory and we’ve done some pesky housekeeping, let’s connect some dots, shall we? It’s time to really get into it and see if any of my wild speculation tracks with content from the Remake trilogy so far.
~V. Musical Evidence~
What about the music of the game? Any hints there? Let’s try to see if we can find support for the Mission Theory in the music made for the Remake trilogy thus far!
As a preface to my musical evidence analysis, I want to insist on something: the story guys tell the soundtrack guys everything. In a high-quality production such as Remake, people who make music for audiovisual media are told everything in advance. They need to know the secrets of every little scene, because their job is to depict whatever is happening through music.
Therefore, if the Mission Theory is true, then there has to be musical evidence for it.
~V. a) Preface: The Basics of the~ ~FFVII~ ~OST~
There’s a lot of evidence in the music of the Remake trilogy that we have to address, but before we get into it, I do have to give you the basics of the FFVII soundscape! For the easiest experience, I suggest you keep a tab open for every link I provide for you until the music analysis is over, because we will be hopping from one musical theme to another and then back again.
~V. a) i. The World Theme: Cloud’s Troubled Identity~
The world theme of FFVII is a perfect example of how musicians working on an OST have to know the secrets of a story as they compose for it. On top of representing the FFVII world as a whole, it doubles as Cloud’s character theme… except that isn’t exactly right. You see, this piece does indeed contain Cloud’s true theme, but Sephiroth and Jenova’s musical motifs also contaminate it. This, of course, symbolizes how Cloud experiences identity sabotage because of these two antagonists. The result is that globally, the world theme does indeed represent Cloud’s character, but it isn’t exclusively Cloud’s in the same way that Cloud’s mind isn’t exclusively his. It’s brilliant storytelling through musical motifs, and evidently requires Uematsu to know in advance that Sephiroth manipulates Cloud’s identity in the story.
For future reference, let’s isolate Cloud’s true theme from Jenova and Sephiroth’s influence.
~V. a) i. 1) Sephiroth: Dissonance and Semi-Tone Motif~
I’m sure you know Sephiroth’s infamous theme: “One-Winged Angel”. The first motif we need to know is Sephiroth’s threatening, repetitive dissonance motif, which plays all throughout the piece (plays solo at 0:00 to 0:04). The second motif is what I call the semi-tone motif. “One-Winged Angel” has a ton of minor 2nd intervals, which is what we call the relationship between two notes that are only a semi-tone apart. You might recognize the minor 2nd interval in the foreboding Jaws theme. Just like in Jaws, the minor 2nd interval or semi-tone is commonly used to indicate an impending, life-threatening danger, a monster, predator, evil, or insanity; suits Sephiroth quite nicely!
~V. a) i. 2) Jenova: Parasite Motif~
The track “J-E-N-O-V-A” contains many competing melodies and has generated many variations of those melodies —almost like clones— that all represent aspects of the alien’s character. The main Jenova motif is simply a descending, two-octaves-long, arpeggiated mb6 chord (eight notes total). I’ve played it for you here. Sometimes, this motif is altered to form variations. For instance, in “Listen to the Cries of the Planet”, a variation of Jenova’s main motif is created by changing the order of the notes and reducing the number of notes to only six (0:00-0:03), however, it remains an arpeggiated mb6 chord. Regardless of the alteration, if you hear an arpeggiated mb6 chord, it means Jenova is creeping close by or that its influence is at work.
The variation of the mb6 arpeggiated chord that concerns us alters Jenova’s main theme so it ascends from the tonic to the b6 note and descends back to the tonic, then ending on the lower dominant for a total of eight notes. I’ve played it for you here. I call this variation the “parasite motif”, because it is often heard when Cloud is being controlled by Jenova. For instance, it plays when Cloud loses himself and becomes unusually violent in Rebirth’s chapter 13 (17:25-18:34), signalling to us that Jenova is in control. It is also the main motif of the track “Who… Am I?”, which evidently symbolizes Jenova’s fuelling of Cloud’s identity crisis— though here, the parasite motif is shortened to its six first notes.
~V. a) i. 3) Cloud’s True Self~
Now that we can recognize Sephiroth and Jenova’s motifs, let’s return to the world theme to isolate Cloud’s true self. Cloud’s true theme can be heard from 0:51 to 3:48. It consists of a section A (0:51-1:54), followed by a section B (1:54-2:41), and then returns to section A (2:41-3:48).
After Cloud’s true theme concludes however, it seems he experiences a psychic interference: doubt and confusion weave through the world theme (3:48-4:09), representing an instability in his identity. I call this interruption of Cloud’s true theme the “interference section”. It symbolizes a moment of psychic interference or weakness within Cloud that Sephiroth and Jenova take advantage of to take control of Cloud.
The end of the interference section introduces Jenova’s parasite motif. It slithers in (4:09), later joined by Sephiroth’s dissonance motif (4:16): Cloud’s mind and identity are being hijacked by the two antagonists in service of their evil plans.
They torment Cloud, dominating his mind until he manages to free himself: section A of Cloud’s true theme begins playing again (6:06), closing the loop of the theme.
Based on this musical storytelling, if you already knew the character motifs going into OG, you might’ve suspected something odd was going on with Cloud’s identity, and that Jenova and Sephiroth were involved. All this to say that whatever music is playing at any given time can give us hints as to what is going on. That’s the power and significance of a good soundtrack. Trust me when I say that with Uematsu and his team, we’re in excellent hands. And remember: the story guys tell the soundtrack guys everything.
~V. a) ii. Aerith’s Theme~
Another base we have to cover before checking out the Remake soundtrack is Aerith’s theme. I’m sure everyone here is familiar with it, but I insist that you refresh your memory. It consists of a section A (0:00-0:34), a section B (0:34-1:13) and a section C (1:13-2:00), concluding with a repeat of section A.
~V. a) iii. Motifs and Timing in~ ~FFVII~ ~OSTs~
I’m going to analyze pieces in great detail, which people who haven’t studied or paid attention to soundtracks may find strange. To prevent anyone from making the mistake of thinking that I’m reading too much into things, I want to emphasize that the music that plays during the Remaketrilogy’s cutscenes is carefully timed, composed and arranged to match the events in the cutscenes, as they are provided in advance to the musicians. Composers pay lots of attention to whatever is going on onscreen so they can include the corresponding musical motifs as accompaniment at the exact right moments, always striving to get the timing perfect. I’m not exaggerating the effort and minutia involved in soundtrack composition and arrangement. Here are just a few sound staff comments from the “Material 4: Soundtrack” section of the FFVII Remake Material Ultimania to prove it:

“[To] make sure players really feel the weight of the moment, we worked hard on getting the tempo and the entry timing of each instrument exactly right. In particular, that big ‘boom’ that sounds almost like a meteor crashing down was fine-tuned to match the timing of the logo's appearance. I remember this was a real sticking point for us, because if the boom's timing was even slightly off, the effect would be completely different. We […] had to sequence [each and every sound] to play at exactly the right moment” (Shotaro Shima on track “Midgar, City of Mako”, page 229).

&

“I was originally told to keep this piece to under two minutes, but it ended up being over six minutes long, in order to match the flow of the cutscene. I arranged the track while watching the latest CG visuals that had been rendered for the scene” (Naoyuki Honzawa on track “Smash ‘Em, Rip ‘Em”, page 309).

&

“This is the track that plays during the tour of Shinra’s different divisions. The movie shown in the Visual Entertainment Hall describes the history of the Ancients (0:25 onward in the soundtrack version), and I wanted to create a musical link to them as well, so I made use of the chord progression from ‘Aerith’s Theme’ [D(I)-Am(Vm)-D(I).] [This simple sequence of moving from major to minor and back again creates a really mysterious air. Then, during the section where the movie recounts the history of the construction of the Shinra Building (1:47 onward in the soundtrack version), I quoted a section of the Shinra theme” (Yasunori Nishiki on track “Stewards of the Planet”, page 313).

~V. b) The~ ~Remake~ ~OST~
Now that you’re ready, it’s time to verify the Mission Theory’s validity with Remake’s music.
~V. b) i. MOTF 6 Music~
We were able to explain Remake Cloud’s MOTFs with the Mission Theory, and it just so happens that the music that plays during the scene of MOTF 6 is unique to Remake. This gives us the perfect opportunity: we should analyze the piece that plays as it occurs to evaluate the legitimacy of our theory on the Remake trilogy, using all the motifs we uncovered in section “V. a)”.
First, a refresher on the scene and on our theory’s interpretation of it. The party is gathered in Aerith and Ifalna’s old room at Shinra HQ. Here is how the scene is described by the VA script notes:

“The Whispers once again close in [on Aerith], but Aerith refuses to stop speaking this time.
Aerith: Listen to me. […] Shinra isn’t the enemy. They were the ones who set things in motion, but our true foe is someone else.
At that moment, the spectacle of Meteor they saw in the Visual Entertainment Hall comes into Cloud and the others’ heads.
Aerith: Somehow, some way, I want to help— all of you… the planet…
For some reason, Cloud feels his chest constrict tightly” (FFVII Remake Material Ultimania Plus, VA script notes, “Aerith Speaks”).

Indeed, right after Aerith says she wants to help the planet any way she can, Cloud looks down at his chest with a frown and a quiet grunt (7:46-7:54). According to the Mission Theory, this tightness in Cloud’s chest can be explained as an emergence of post-OG Cloud’s grief, triggered by the slightest allusion to Aerith’s sacrifice.
The piece that plays during this scene is called “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra”. It is one of many variations of Aerith’s iconic theme arranged for Remake. However, Cloud’s theme is just as prominent in the piece— if not, more.
~V. b) i. 1) The Fate Motif~
Before we interpret “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra”, I need to introduce you to one more motif that crops up in the piece. There is a windy motif that appears (from 1:45 onwards) and it is unaccounted for, despite how it’s clearly meant to represent something. I’ve become certain that this wind noise symbolizes fate, and I’ll tell you why.
In the MOTF 6 scene, just after Nanaki explains how he gained knowledge of the Whispers via contact with Aerith (7:23), they emerge and begin swirling aggressively around Aerith (7:26). Her hair and dress blow and ripple in the resulting wind. From this very moment onward “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” (3:00), a string section (bowed instruments in the violin family) that deliberately emphasizes the airy sound of the bow crossing the strings enters, creating a windy effect that adds to the already present wind noise (that started at 1:45). As the Whispers progressively become even more aggressive onscreen, both the wind SFX of the cutscene and the wind noise in the piece get louder and louder. Because of the timing of its appearance and crescendo in the cutscene, I’m certain the wind noise is meant to represent the restrictive flow of fate; it only makes sense, given that destiny is a current —or a wind— that cannot be broken, and Aerith is like a helpless petal in fate’s carefully planned storm. Of course, it’s also quite significant that the Whispers make a windy noise as they fly. You can hear it every time they’re onscreen, like when they first appear to Cloud in chapter 2 of Remake (17:45-18:20), or when the White Whispers hold Cloud back from chasing after Aerith during Rebirth’s Sleeping Forest scene in chapter 14 (28:43-29:45). You can also hear the wind sounds in other Whisper-related tracks, such as “Whorl of Whispers” (clearly audible at 2:50-3:05), as well as “A Death Not Ordained by Fate” (clearly audible at 2:56-3:18). Therefore, I’ll call these wind noises the “fate motif”.
~V. b) ii. 2) Interpreting “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra”~
In part 1 of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” (0:00-1:45), Aerith’s theme and Cloud’s true theme play simultaneously, their respective phrases fitting perfectly together, interweaving peacefully and softly. It sounds like the two of them are chatting, dancing bashfully yet contently and in perfect sync, glad to be exactly where they’re meant to be as their themes sing together in harmony (soft piano). Part 1 of this piece is about Cloud and Aerith becoming important to one another as they discover their soulmate bond.
Unfortunately that contentment doesn’t last. In part 2 (1:45-3:00), Cloud experiences a moment of psychic vulnerability (world theme’s interference section). Fate lurks (fate motif enters quietly). His instability forces our couple’s sweet dance to a halt, and Aerith’s theme must retreat as Cloud’s confusion takes center stage. Sephiroth torments and taunts him (semi-tone played by strings, 2:03-2:10), taking advantage of Cloud’s psychic interference to plunge him into darkness (world theme’s interference section ends, low cello enters, 2:18): Cloud temporarily becomes a darker version of himself as evil corrupts him (piano plays section A phrases 1 and 2 of Cloud’s true theme in minor, 2:18-2:53). Jenova finally reveals itself and promptly exits, releasing Cloud’s mind from its grasp (seven first notes of parasite motif played twice on piano 2:53-3:00). Cloud is free, but the damage has been done: his dance with Aerith has long been interrupted, and she is gone. Part 2 of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” is about Cloud being manipulated in service of Sephiroth and Jenova’s evil plan, interrupting his interaction with Aerith.
Part 3 (3:00-3:33) kicks off the mechanisms of a tragic fate (strings section joins fate motif, 3:00). Both anxious that she’s disappeared from his side and terrified of the darkness he just discovered inside him (in part 2), Cloud fearfully calls out for Aerith (phrase 1 of Cloud’s true theme’s section A, timid and hesitant piano, 3:04-3:15). Before his psychic interference began (start of part 2), Cloud’s voice was accompanied by Aerith’s as they grew closer and closer (their character themes mingling in part 1)… but now, Aerith isn’t answering his call, and he cannot find her (Aerith’s theme doesn’t to join Cloud’s anymore).
Anxious, Cloud tries calling out for Aerith a second time (section A phrase 2 of Cloud’s true theme’s, 3:19-3:31), searching for her in the hopes that they can continue their dance, but even now, Aerith does not respond. She’s gone (Aerith’s theme remains absent). Destiny keeps Aerith away from Cloud (fate motif gently crescendos). Part 3 of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” is about Cloud’s separation from Aerith, his search for her, and the fear and anxiousness he feels when he realizes he cannot find her.
And then, part 4 begins with a sweet, gentle voice, calling out from the blackened horizon: it’s Aerith (section B phrase 1 of Aerith’s theme, soft piano, 3:33-3:45). Cloud finally hears her respond to his pleas: he’s found her. Fate begins howling in protest, doubling its efforts to keep Cloud and Aerith apart (fate motif crescendos noticeably in reaction to Aerith’s theme, 3:45). You can just picture Cloud running toward Aerith, struggling against the current of destiny to try and close the distance between them. Aerith tries calling out for Cloud a second time, (section B phrase 2 of Aerith’s theme, 3:40-3:43), but the Whispers only swirl around her more ferociously, taking her away in the uncompromising current of fate (fate motif continues to crescendo). Aerith tries again (section B phrase 1 of Aerith’s theme, 3:47-3:49). It sounds like she’s saying “Cloud, I’m over here, come find me!”
Fate doesn’t take too kindly to her defying it. Cloud and Aerith are not supposed to be together; it can’t be, it won’t. She’s destined to die to save the planet, and he’s destined to remain hollow forevermore. I can picture Cloud breaking into a sprint at the sound of her voice, running countercurrent to the flow of destiny— but the winds are so loud, fate’s demands are so strong, and the Whispers are shrieking in defense of destiny now. Aerith’s voice emerges for the fourth time (first three notes of section B phrase 3 of Aerith’s theme, 3:54 to 3:56). Fate screams louder, louder (steep crescendo of fate motif, 3:59-4:02). In a desperate hail Mary, Aerith shouts out one more time, as though throwing her hand out toward Cloud’s extended fingers (section C phrase 1 of Aerith’s theme, louder and more insistent, cutting through the fate motif as it crescendos sharply, 4:00-4:06). Part 4 of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” is about Cloud and Aerith desperately trying to defy fate in order to be together. And then, it all stops: fate has seemingly quieted Aerith (4:04-4:08)…
Part 5 (4:08-4:27) begins with Cloud jumping, launching himself off the ground with all his strength (Cloud’s true theme section A phrase 2, first 5 notes, melody starting on the note E5 and ascending) as Aerith plummets toward the ground in a fatal fall (Aerith’s theme section C phrase 1, melody starting on the note E6 and descending, the last note altered)— he successfully catches her in mid-air (both Cloud’s ascending melody and Aerith’s descending melody meet in the middle of the octave, first uniting on B5, and then ending on A5). I’ve recreated the melodies for you here so you can hear this reunion more clearly. If you consider that the airy strings in this piece represent fate, which I do, the fact that they follow Cloud and Aerith’s themes in part 5 signifies that they are now in control of their own destinies, and successfully making it their fate to reunite.
To be completely frank, I did not realize until right now writing this that Cloud unites with Aerith in part 5, even though his theme is right there. I’m so excited to share this part with you.
We hear Aerith once more, her voice quietly trailing off into the silence (phrase 4 of section C of Aerith’s theme) with no conclusion (phrase 5 normally follows phrase 4 to conclude Aerith’s theme, but is absent here). Part 5 of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” suggests that Cloud will save Aerith and that the couple will change their fate, but also conveys an uncertain and open-ended quality.

Hello, On Saturday I've ended a 2 years relationship. With this decision I was sitting for the last year, but even earlier thoughts about "is it right" were coming to me. I love him, I believe he loves me. I care for him, I believe he cares for me. I'm scared I won't be able to stop loving him. I'm unable to hate him, or being angry at him, even though I'm holding a big anger right now. I tried to fix things, I was trying to change myself, I was desperately looking for things I could do. But I've come to realisation there's nothing I can do, I didn't quite accepted it though yet. The problem we diagnosed is that he doesn't feel emphaty emotionally. He can have cognitive emphaty. This is something he told me about himself. He's a good person who wouldn't choose a bad doing. On the other hand I'm kind anxiety driven. I needed emotional validation. I would tell him about something emotionally charged, but wouldn't get the feeling of "being on the same wave", and in result I would start doubting "ok, maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way in this situation".
We had different styles of arguing. He would get more offensive and more rivalry. In turn I'm someone prone to escaping. I would say "ok, you're right" to cut the arguing, or flee the conversation. At some point I recognised it's disrespectful, so I tried to not escape. I tried to continue with talking, try to say "I'm having emotion X and y right now" and I tried saying "I'm leaving the conversation now, but I'll come back to talk it over later when I calm down". When I tried the first two approaches I would feel like I was receiving a beating. When I tried the third approach, he was no longer interested in conversation and would say "it's in the past so why bring it up, let's forget about it". I tried forgetting, but instead I was building resentments. I would beat myself for building them, I wanted to forget but I wasn't able to.
We had different needs for time together. I wanted to have it more. Sometimes I would force it, but I could see it's forced and that it's not a quality time at all. I could see his annoyed at it. I tired not to do that, the times it happened was because I failed in this trying. So I was waiting for him. I tried living my own life, it would work when I'm focused on something, but as I got into state of not having anything on my mind my thoughts would gravitate towards thinking about him and feeling lonely. I felt jealous over his friends. I felt ugly that I'm feeling jealousy instead of being happy he's happy he spends time with them. I felt jealous over love stories on the internet. I felt bad I can't accept him and the relationship as it was.
After breaking up I did a little stupid thing of writing about my hurts to him. He acknowledged them, apologised to me. He told me those things don't have a chance of changing.
I was and am unhappy. I know it's unhealthy to be in this type of situation. But I have to fight off the thought: maybe I could suck it up and accept those things. Maybe I can live unhealthy, with the same way I was living, but with trying to shut up better. On logical level I'm perfectly aware how stupid it is, on emotional level I want to love him despite all. I'm angry I'm the person I am instead of being someone compatible with him. I'm angry I was trying to change the situation, but he wasn't. I'm angry that this situation wasn't something to overcome and have a strong relationship as a result. I also want to move on. I want to build a healthy relationship with someone. I'm scared I'll get blocked by this love and the future relationships I'll be building will be of this kind that I can't give love to anyone, cause my heart is occupied. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be alone as well.
I know that I should be patient now and allow time to heal me. I also know I should be occupied. I think I don't have a bad break up. I was processing it already for the last year. Nothing really changes much, cause I was trying to be occupied to not think about him even in relationship. In relationship I didn't have hope for my psychological state to better, but now I have a perspective of getting better with time. He was willing to listen to me, to read those messages I wrote about things that made me hurt. He have me closure. He was gentle with it. He told me "it's not your fault" and "I wasn't comparing you to others" (when I wrote I felt like his friends were better than me). He wrote he believes I'll do good in the future (when sometimes he was harsh with me when my studies were going bad).
Anyway, if anyone read it - thank you.

Long ago the world was besieged by demons and the Gods having pity on the beings below bestowed upon the world magic. They had emplanted in the earth like a seed and from that sprang forth the power to beat the demon hoards. But this power had unforeseen effects on the children of the gods, the elves. When they received this gift it mixed with their godly blood and gave them the ability to call upon the ancient magic only available to the gods. The High Elves were bestowed with the ancient magic of Light. The Dark Elves were given the ancient magic of darkness. Lastly the Forest Elves were given the ancient magic of the forest. Soon the Demon king was defeated, sealed away and peace reigned. Over the centuries many conflicts arose thanks to this power, the hunt for magical creatures began with the elves being at the top of the list. The elves tried to fight back but because of the mingling with other races they had lost their connection to the ancient magic. With the atrocities committed by these power hungry monsters they were named sorcerers and both them and magic were labeled as evil.
As far back as you can remember you were always treated as scum with no parents or home. You were slave to your own people since you were very little and you didn't know why. Was it because your dark gray skin, almost sut black, that didn't match the light color of theirs, your snow white hair, your red eyes that seem more vibrant than everyone else's, or could it be the fact that your shadow was your only friend. For a long time your shadow would stretchand shrinkand shape itself in various ways. At times it seemed that other shadows would do the same around you. When the other villagers caught wind of what you could do you were locked in a basement filled with light and not a single shadow to call your friend. You only came out during the day to work around the house then go back. You were fed table scraps and stale food if they remembered. Years go by and you longed for the smell of fresh air, cool shade under the trees, and the shadows that use to dance around you.
One day you were suddenly ripped from your bright hole in the earth and brought before a robed man. You were so numb to everything that you just stared blankly at the ground the whole time. You never paid attention to the conversation only hearing stuff like "cursed child" or "she will be an excellent sacrifice" and feeling a collar clamped around your neck. Suddenly as you were being pulled to the sorcerer’s side you see a red glow in your vision. You look up to see the village on fire and Elven bodies everywhere. As soon as you saw this horror the only thing you could feel was joy and delight as the demise of your abusers but it was soon replaced with guilt and horror at the realization that you could ever feel such a way towards another's death.
After the slaughter you were ushered into a carriage and sent through the forest. With weeks of travel and barely anything to eat, you finally arrive at an old mansion outside of a small town. You are elated at the scenery but this doesn't last long as you are rushed into the building and down to the dungeon. You are put in a bright cell and chained to the wall via your collar. For the next few months you are put through hell as you are carefully dissected and experimented on. It is worse than the village and it leaves you begging for death.
One day, after a series of loud bangs, the sorcerer rushes in as a magic circle appears under you. Too tired and in too much pain to move, you just watch as he grabs a knife and kneels over you. Understanding what's about to happen, you resign yourself to your fate. Just as he is about to plunge the dagger into your chest, the door gets blown off its hinges and a robed figure steps through. Your captor tries again to sacrifice you but the figure clears the distance in and instant and tears off his head. In your final moments awake, the last thing you see are two cold blue eyes staring down at you.
You slowly gain consciousness as you feel yourself laying on something soft and warm. Thin fabric is tightly wrapped around your painful wounds as a you feel a heavy cloth against the bare skin of your naked body. Soon the pain builds waking you from your sleep. Your eyes slowly open to find a round stone ceiling above you. To your right a wooden door and to your left a stone archway leading out to a balcony. In front of the bed is the glow of a fireplace with two chairs facing it and a table between them. When your strength starts to come back you sit up, a single chain link taps against the collar you still wear, and you stare at the door wondering who brought you here and what might happen to you.

This has been on my mind for the past few years and this is as condensed as I could make it and I am still leaving out a lot of information, I'm very autistic so bear with me..
I'm 20 years old and have been in a relationship for over 3 and a half years, but have had odd relations to sexuality since I can remember. I can't manage to fully speak up about it in therapy and theres only so much my high libido/hyprsexual partner can help me with, when it comes to figuring out my own, situation. So any input is very welcome and needed.
(FYI I am transgender born female, same as my partner. I identify a little more ambiguously but for all intents and purposes I'm a guy to the general public and have transitioned with hormones. But my boyfriend is, just a guy)
I read about asexuality a lot, and discuss it a fair amount with my boyfriend. He is super understanding about it and has genuine curiosity about the subject which is comforting and all well. But for awhile, it has definetly put a strain on our sex life and romantic relationship given that, I can't tell if I'm ace or not. My partner has what I consider a super high libido (and sexual trauma like me but in the complete opposite direction lol!..) but maybe it's just normal and I think it's high compared to mine. MY libido is elusive to say the least.
Reading about asexuality I've learned that ace people can have sex, which is comforting to know since I do indeed have sex with my partner. I've only recently gotten out of the phase of thinking there is something wrong with me, and trying to fix my low libido because it's "broken". That doesn't sit right with me though. I could be okay just thinking of myself as someone who just doesn't want sex AS much as your average person. But that doesn't fully encapsulate how I feel either. Whenever I describe sex or describe my feelings about it, my boyfriend doesn't understand at all. And vice versa, whenever he talks about his strong desire to have sex with me, I can honestly get uncomfortable, and sometimes I even laugh a little because I just genuinely don't get it or I think he is joking somehow.
For one, I don't really ever initiate sex because I don't think about it much. I've never felt like I needed to have sex so badly. If we have a chance to have sex but it doesn't end up working out, I don't get sad about it. At least not in the same way he does, or the way I see it portrayed in other people. I'm pretty much incapable of going out of my way, to have sex. One time I said I feel like I could never have sex again and my life wouldn't be different. It made him kind of upset at first and I felt bad, but he eventually understood what I meant. The emotional side of sex is important to me, and enjoyable. It's a work out too, and I love being physically active, it makes me happy. I also view sex as a fun activity and experience, and when we laugh during sex or it feels like we're just hanging out, that feels special to me and I see how it benefits our realtionship, It's not like I need that to stop or something...
But... Every time people talk about desire, I genuinely have no idea what that truely means. This real physical urge, and need, for sex. To want it so badly. I barely believe that it's real. One thing that makes me believe I could be ace is how I experience arousal or sexual stuff just on a personal level. Honesty time. I realized recently that whenever I fantasize about sex, through out my whole life, I never think about genitals, or the part that seperates sex from simply kissing or being affectionate/intimate/sensual. And it's hard to connect the situation to me, and MY own body. If I ever do, I start to feel gross in a way, and I can't think about it for long. Most of the time when I'm "horny" or whatever, once it actually turns into sex. It isn't, what I was looking for. Essentially, sex doesn't turn me on. It makes me wonder if I understand what being turned on really is.
It's almost a joke between my boyfriend and I that it is a real complicated puzzle to "turn me on", and it absolutely is. The circumstances for me to be enthusiastic about sex are slim and peculiar, nearly impossible. It's confusing though because we have had some real intense, good times. Typically though... I do not partake in orgasm during sex, and if I do, I do it myself. I get enjoyment out of serving my partner. It used to make me really sad in the beginning of our relationship, I felt left out, or like he didn't enjoy doing things for me, or that it was too hard to make me finish since I take longer. I've come a long way with it though. For more clarification and even more complicated-ness. I do have sexual trauma from my youth where I was forced to do certain things to someone else. It has been really hard to navigate, and asexuality aside, it is it's own monolith to conquer. This whole aspect of being queer and experiencing queer sexual assault, I wonder how much of it just seems like it could be asexuality. My avoidance of being touched or feeling gross about sex, there is a part of it that is definitely because of my trauma, and also being raised in a VERY sexist and "women are sex objects !!" household. But thats a whole other topic I won't get into here. Anyway.
I know that asexuality is a spectrum, and it seems like ace people can experience some forms of sensualness or even enjoy masturbating. Which I kind of do? I think? It honestly isn't super exciting and usually is very short and, not a deep experience or something I enjoy thoroughly. Often it can make me feel even worse! I have two opposing sides, where when it comes to sex, I can be repulsed sometimes. Or just strongly not want to. Some times my boyfriend will tell me how much he wants me in a sexual way and he'll ask me what I want, and, trying to describe how I feel leads to crying a fair amount of the time, because I just don't know what to say. There are a lot of parts of sex that I find gross or just. Why would you want it. The sensory part is a whole other story too. On the other hand, I have other very intense and strong feelings sometimes. But it doesn't feel like desire, it doesn't even feel like sex sometimes. When I think I'm fantasizing about sex, I think about a situation for a looong time, and every detail that would lead UP to sex, but, once it gets to the sex, I don't, think about that part. It has more to do with, the setting. The situation, the colors involved, smells. And not sexy smells or sexy colors, not even sexy situations! I usually just think about being outside, or in a room that has furniture that I like, the colors in the sky, and being held really tight and prolonged eye contact. That's what turns me on, not the sex. Thinking about, things like this in my head feels good, but it isn't quite arousal. It's rare I'll put in effort to make it reality. Even if the situation does come along, I don't feel like I need to escalate it to sex, in order to, get off I guess? Or enjoy it? I enjoy everything that leads up to sex, vastly more.
The most ravenous I ever got over my boyfriend was the one time he drank coffee and I could taste it on his lips. I am obsessed with coffee and, he can't drink it cus it maks him tired, so it was a novel experience. But god it sent me into a frenzy, but once it had to turn into more than kissing or clawing at eachother, it's like how turned on I was didn't count. I didn't want it to go further. I could've just done that for awhile and then stopped and I'd be good. The fact that I felt the way I did actually sent me into a breakdown of sorts and he had to pull me out of it. I didn't understand how I felt and I really didn't want to have sex even though we had great chemistry in that moment. Even though I really thought I wanted to and it felt like being turned on, it just didn't add up. ??? It's like the more "turned on" I am, the less actual sex seems appealing.
During sex, and part of why I am only a giver, is because it's really hard for me to even be turned on by touch. I've never had an orgasm so good where I thought oh I MUST do that again. ?!!?! Even if my body physically reacts, which it's hard for that to happen, it can make me feel gross. I have rarely had sex where I feel like I am just enjoying how my body feels. Some times I can get aroused physically and that's enough but I always have to think about something else. It is a lot of work, and it can lead to me becoming extremly upset and uncomfortable. My body has nothing to do with it. Doing things for my partner is a different story, it's for him and it's more than sex to me. It is fun and takes strength and brain power. It's awesome. And I don't necessarily have to be horny or aroused myself to be present emotionally. I can still have strong feelings and want to do certain stuff.
When it comes to my boyfriend, I am attracted to him, for sure. And my relationship to him is so vulnerable and intimate that I feel comfortable to partake in sex and stuff. But last night he asked me if I'm sexually attracted to him, and I felt so stupid and guilty that I didn't know how to answer. I was just blank and silent. I think he is hot, handsome, we have sex, and I enjoy making him feel good in that way, why couldn't I answer? It isn't a yes or no question to me. It seemed like it should be a yes or no question. Am I ace?
TL;DR: sex doesn't turn me on and I rarely want to have sex and I don't like being touched during sex, but I have intense feelings but they just don't feel quite sexual and I dont have a need to act on them and even if the specific situation presents itself i usually dont want to do it anymore, but having sex for my boyfriend under very specific circumstances can be cool and good, I just dont want any for myself and i cant attach myself to the situation fully, but being present emotionally with my parter, again, cool. its just really hard to do that, while having sex often. is this a form of asexuality?