Hello!
I am a 25-year-old advanced role player looking for new partners. I have a passion for creating detailed and immersive stories, and I am excited to find like-minded individuals who are just as committed to developing engaging narratives.
I role play on Discord only as it is the app that suits me best, providing a seamless and interactive experience. However, I am open to trying out Reddit if we click and find that it enhances our storytelling dynamic.
I am only looking for partners who role play in third person. This perspective allows for a more comprehensive view of our characters' thoughts, emotions, and actions, leading to richer and more nuanced interactions.
I am only looking for advanced lit partners. I appreciate detailed descriptions, well-developed characters, and complex plotlines. If you enjoy crafting multi-paragraph responses and delving deep into your character's psyche, we will be a great match.
In OOC, please be respectful. I value clear communication and boundaries. I don’t want to be more than friends and partners as I have a relationship and life away from the screen. Let's keep our interactions friendly and focused on creating an amazing story together.
I am pretty much available to write all day apart from some weekends. My schedule is quite flexible, allowing me to respond frequently and keep the story moving forward. I will, however, need to step away occasionally for commitments, particularly on weekends.
The Scene:
Jessica had always been the type to keep to herself, her unlucky love life and underlying misery masked by a thin veneer of normalcy. Her flatmate, X, was the complete opposite. Bubbly, happy-go-lucky, and perpetually cheerful, X seemed to have it all figured out. Despite their differences, they had developed a comfortable rhythm over the past nine months of living together. There was only one odd thing that Jessica had noticed: X was extremely secretive about her bedroom, never letting Jessica inside.
Jessica had shrugged it off at first, convinced there was nothing to worry about. But as time went on, she couldn’t help but let silly ideas creep into her head. What was X hiding in there? The curiosity gnawed at her, a persistent itch she couldn’t scratch. Her mind would wander to that locked door late at night, spinning wild theories about what could be inside. She tried to dismiss these thoughts, reminding herself that everyone has their private moments and secrets, but the mystery lingered, growing stronger each day.
Then, one day, when X had gone to work, Jessica saw the bedroom door ajar. The temptation was too strong to resist. She slipped into X’s room, heart pounding with a mix of guilt and excitement. The room looked normal at first glance—bed neatly made, a TV in the corner, typical decorations. But as Jessica's eyes scanned the space, they landed on the closet. Her curiosity took over, and she slowly opened it, expecting to find clothes and shoes. Instead, she was met with a sight that made her gasp.
The closet was filled with an array of toys, ropes, harnesses, latex, leather, gags, collars, and a plethora of BDSM equipment. It was a world she had never imagined X being a part of. In the corner, a brown envelope labeled “Private” caught her eye. Unable to resist, Jessica opened it and found Polaroids of X with various women, all tied up and engaged in intimate acts. Each photo was more shocking than the last.
As she flipped through the images, Jessica’s mind raced. She was so engrossed in the discovery that she didn’t hear X come home. Suddenly, a voice broke the silence, sending a jolt of fear through her.
“Find something interesting?”
If you are interested, feel free to message me and we can work something out. I used X as the other character's name to allow my partners creative freedom over that role. Looking forward to hearing from you!

So, i’m a native Russian speaker,and i am highly aware of the sound of the Russian accent, so i tried to do a lyrics interpretation considering the accent, and based on the interviews, the fact that they maybe weren’t that sober. So here goes nothing:
Fuck Fuck! Love is mine/lonely smile, drink awhile Closed out, i had to picture us We’re falling down, heavy hand(s) And it’s still hard to live it up A lot of words are useless now I’ll seek my ignorant peace Can’t sit/see side, wake up! Ah, it’s a mirror from the sky Busted/busy roads, empty streets In hyperrealism (they had only yellow leaves) And it’s somewhere hidden deadeep And you can never find it!
Today you’ll see, I’m back in your dreams! I’m so unkind, your heart is mine! I waste my time, i’m sure it’s alright You try to find some words in your mind
A lot of time, it’s alright Write a letter, it’s for sure Creating things not too hard But if i leave because of this From the evening, turn it up Until the dark i’ll be alright “There is nothing truly down”-the five words why!
Today you’ll see, I’m back in your dreams! I’m so unkind, your heart is mine! I waste my time, i’m sure it’s alright You try to find some words in your mind. Today you’ll see, I’m back in your dreams! I’m so unkind, your heart is mine! I waste my time, i’m sure it’s alright You try to find some sense in my eyes!

Hi ! By the title you may be confused but I promise I'll try to make it maks sense.
I (19)F was broken up with (19)M a week ago after 5 months of dating. For content behind the break up was that we've had some issues over the past month of us being together. We were living an hour n half away and saw each other every other weekend. I would get upset over him being obsess with his friends and how he would hangout with them all the time and spending money when was out with them every week. But when we were together he would complain if I wanted to go to a park or somewhere out rather being inside his house all weekend because it he wanted to save money, but if I suggested on inviting a friend he was more obligated to go out and acted more excited. This caused a bickering for a few weeks until he was at his last straw on mother's day. He came over and had a rundown with me about his feelings and time management that he wanted to have with his friends and me. This made me realize a lot more and I told him I was sorry and that I would be better. After that everything was ok until the week after. Now, I've been wanting to go to the beach for a while now. I would ask him all the time to take me and he would reject. Well, the week after he told me that he was going out to the beach with his friends, Derek, Andrew, and Elizabeth (Fake names) and Elizabeth was a girl he dated back in highschool and when my ex and I we're about to date she messaged him saying "you're hot, but I wouldn't date you". I was upset that he was going with his friends when I've been asking, not to mention I felt uncomfortable with him going with Elizabeth. He told me he was going to go with them to check out the place and see what its "kinks" were so we would go. I got over it until the next day when I was playing Andrew and he told me they we're going to the beach that was 20 minutes away from my house and thought I was invited. This killed me seeing he never told me.
A bit afterwards I was talking to my mom about the situation and then said it's whatever. She went out of her way without telling me that she was going to call him. Apparently she told him that if we were going to be together then its good to merge your friend group with the person you're with so it's easier to hang out. She also asked why he didn't invite me when I've asking and its only 20 minutes away. His answer was he didn't know it was close to me. Then she proceeded to say if I was upset then thats probably why and not to get mad since it's kind of fair. Next day rolls by and I was telling him how I was in pain from work and mention about wanting to go to the beach to relax (not realizing it sounded like an asshole and trying to mention it). He sighed and then brought up that my mom called and I told him I didn't know she did and that I wasn't really upset and it was his time with his friends. I asked him if he was ok and he said he was fine and pinky promised it. After we hung up and I messaged him telling him that I appreciated him and I knew he's been stress, that I was here for him cause I love him. He was acting sweet after and I was getting ready to go out. 10 or 15 minutes later he called to break it off and said he was hurting and that he just can't do it. I asked if he wanted a break and he said no which led me asking what are we then and he said "whatever you want, I don't know what the future looks like".
This leads to me to my question (sorry it took so long, I thought I should give information). So it's been a week and he has been avoiding about talking about me and if I'm brought up he goes dead silent. Some of his friends asked him for his side and he got aggressive and said he doesn't want to say so I've been the only person saying my side. He never unadded me but after 20 minutes of being broken up he removed some loving pictures on his socials but then put it back on recently. I asked him if we can discuss the future a bit more and how long I should leave him alone and he told me he wouldn't talk for a while and just to get him his space (which of course I will). But other than that I'm kind of stuck on what to do cause I don't have that much information to go by. He won't tell me why he was hurting and broke it off ( maybe I'm blindsided) or doesn't say his side to anyone and acting like I don't exist but keeps me around in a way. I don't know if I should be patient and see if something happens or if I should let go. Sorry if it got confusing around the end, it's almost 3am and I'm tired lol.
TLDR: My ex is not communicating with me about what's happening after breaking up with me out of nowhere.
Please reach out and help out if you can, I would really appreciate it!! Thank you for taking the time to reas all of this lol

My ex (27M) and I (23F) have had a very toxic on and off friends with benefits thing that has been going on for 4 years. We officially dated for 2 months last year but he went overseas and cheated on me and I broke up with him. When he came back in Feb we started seeing each other again.
I've told him that I am not interested in a fwb situation, I want a relationship and only want to continue having sex if we're going to officially date and him commit to me because I obviously liked him and couldn't handle the uncertainty of being used anymore. He said he doesn't want this. Despite setting this boundary, he has continued to initiate sex with me and coerce me into doing sexual stuff after me saying no countless times - which is practically sexual assault. Along with this he's been going out at night with countless other girls, watching movies with them in his bed and posting pictures of their 'dates' on his instagram story to show off to his friends that he has 5+ girls around him at any given time. He never posted me (he claims this is my fault because I've told my friends what he has done to me in the past).
He invited me as a plus 1 to his housemate's bday party last night and his housemate and all his friends are polyamorous. They asked him if he was also polyamorous too and he said he was open to it? in front of me? He later said he only meant open minded to the idea of other people being poly but I think he was just trying to cover up what he said. His female housemate was also there and he put her lip gloss on? also in front of me which I thought was a bit inappropriate.
After being called a child for being mad about the above two things - we went to a light show tunnel and half way through he disappeared with this female housemate to take pictures, she was taking pics of him, he was taking pics of her and I was standing there alone awkwardly on the side as I knew no one else at the party. This went on for about 5-10 minutes so I just walked up and when he finally did acknowledge my existence again I told him to f off and kind of blew up at him. I had a few drinks so I think I wasn't as good at concealing my true feelings as I usually am and on top of everything else that's been happening I think I just snapped. I went home alone and sent him texts calling him a lot of names. I'm usually pretty composed when I tell him why I'm upset but not this time and I finally got the courage to block his number.
Do you think I overreacted/made a bigger deal of it like he said I did? If it was with a guy who hadn't cheated and didn't have the history we had I don't think I would have freaked out but on top of everything else I just lost it. How can I build back my trust in men so I'm not paranoid that they're all going to cheat on me and use me for sex?
TLDR: I finally snapped at my (23F) narc ex (27M) whilst drunk and ended things in a dramatic blow up. Did I overreact? How do I trust men again?

Hi all. I have been working at a library for 6 months under my city. Unfortunately I need to quit immediately because I don’t feel safe there anymore after a male library patron has taken it upon himself to make me his target. Long story short, he has a criminal record for being violent, found my social medias and phone number and harassed me via text despite me politely rejecting him but for some reason he didn’t believe me when I said I have a boyfriend. This has been going on since January, but I tried to let it go since I couldn’t afford to quit my job. My breaking point with him was this Friday when he was using a computer (the section of the library where I work) and was getting upset when something wasn’t working and he decided to point directly at me and tell me repeatedly that “its my fault” his computer wasn’t working and that I was doing this to him. I didn’t include every single detail (which I can if anyone cares) but ultimately I was like yeah… this man isn’t okay and I don’t feel safe. I called out on Saturday and planned to send in a letter Monday morning as soon as the library director comes in. Luckily, I had an interview for a different city department that week and they actually called me back the same day all this occurred and offered me the position. Obviously I’m going to take it, but now I need advice on how to go about leaving my current job. My issue is that both jobs are under the city system and I would basically just be transferring, but I can’t stick out the two weeks here before transferring there. I plan on mentioning the new role in the letter, but I’m worried that if I quit immediately they’ll remove my name from the employee list even though I would just be starting somewhere else soon after. I’m not sure how to go about asking to keep me in the system when I’m not staying for two weeks. Also, I’ve never sent an immediate notice before and I feel bad because in my section of the library, it’s only me, my supervisor and another coworker but she just went on a month long vacation last week so I would be basically abandoning my supervisor to work alone. My coworkers here have been fairly good people and I have no issues with them so it sucks to do this. And please I would like no judgement on the reason why I am deciding to quit. I mentioned that I didn’t include every single detail but I’m glad to elaborate if anyone wants to know. Anyways, thanks for any advice you may have!

This is a long post that should have a predecessor story before, so I apologize if it’s confusing but this is the issue I’m looking for advice on. This is also a throw away as I hope and pray no one recognizes the situation.
I (24f) have been with my “fiance”(24m) for almost 6yrs now. I won’t lie, we have had our fair amount of issues. I’m pretty insecure because he had cheated on me in the past, and I’ve had to get on him about virtually flirting with other females (we moved out of state and he feels pretty isolated and says he just wants attention). We have a 4yr child and I’m pregnant with our 2nd now, we’ve always talked about having kids, getting married, etc. when we lived in the state we met, everything seemed fine (besides the cheating) but after we moved he seemed to have turn into a whole new person.
Anyways, fast forward past all of our bumps, challenges, and good times - to 2 years ago. He proposed to me and I said yes, it was great. We were on a trip when this happened, and he started drinking a lot. I never saw him be an angry drunk, but he was drinking so much everyday and he began to get angry while drunk every night. He confided some very personal matters and feelings to me, and I empathized with him and comforted him. It brought us much closer and I never judged him. Later on, he would agree he felt much closer but then other times he would express that he regrets telling me. One of the things he mentioned during this time was wanting a 3rd partner in our relationship. A she-male he said exactly. This conversation was 2 years ago and I was drinking as well (not as drunk as him) but I don’t remember everything the best, but he knows I’m not really fond of that idea. I get jealous pretty easily, especially after what he did and certain things that he sometimes says (when he gets mad he’ll say he doesn’t want to be around me, calls me names/other mean things, says I don’t get sexy or try to be seductive). Mind you, we have a child who I take care of primarily and I get off work later than him. He goes to the gym after work or does whatever he wants like video games, tv, relax - while I do child care, cook or clean. He’ll help cook sometimes, but NEVER does dishes or laundry. He even said laundry is my responsibility (he tried to imply it’s because I’m a woman but without saying that), because he works on our vehicles (ONLY when there is an issue with them, and that’s maybe 1-2 times a year and I always help him in any way I can!) He’s the type that’s so lazy and constantly asking me to get up and get him stuff right after I sit down (I always do) but the few times I try to ask him to get something for me, it’s a problem or inconvenience. Anyways, when you don’t have a moment to sit down and breathe/relax for your own self until 9-9:30pm, after working a full time job & then family crap on your own basically, of course you’re gonna be tired and not feel like trying to be sexy for someone.
Sorry for the long side rant, back to the main issue.
He expressed wanting a 3rd, specifically, someone who is trans or a “she-male”. This was related to the information he confided into me, and like I said - I empathized with him because he’s been living with this secret for a long time. His family can be close minded with things like this. I personally, wouldn’t mind have a female-on-female type experience, but the situation he wants is not something that’s necessarily piquing my interest. I feel like I can probably get down in an experimentation, although the thought of another penis does not interest me, but nothing long term.
Anyways, he knew I wasn’t really feeling the permanent option he wanted, but I did say I would be okay with random 3somes but he said he didn’t want that. Fast forward 2 years to now and we haven’t really talked about it since other than random arguments when he brings it up.
I caught him talking to another girl on his phone and he suggested she come out to our city this summer. I caught him recently, like a few weeks ago but the messages took place about a month and a half earlier when we were both in our hometown, staying with his mom. We recently just found out I was pregnant again, and told his mom who was super happy.
Anyways, This was a female he was trying to see when he went back to our home state for a little while. We were going through a rough patch and he moved out but we remained in constant contact and were still communicating saying we missed each other. I thought we were actively working on stuff with some space but he says he left me. Anyways, he left his Apple Watch at our house so I read his messages with that girl while he was back home. Mind you, a week or so after he moved out - he tried to fuck a random girl from our hometown who is not even cute or worth it at all. He apologized for being a piece of shit and said he would cut contact with her when I called him out. He may have cried too but don’t remember, he’ll cry when he gets caught/called out sometimes.
Anyways, when I caught him talking to her again, after he had moved back in and everything seemed to be going better, he really didn’t have any excuse other than the missing who he used to be and craving attention and he was saying he just loves people, money and sex and brought up the wanting a 3rd partner. This time he brought it up like, it has to happen and he’s done “putting his feelings aside for everyone else”. Idk what he’s talking about other than suppressing these feelings because I do everything for him and bend over backwards and constantly put my emotions aside since his are so explosive and volatile. His family sees it too and feels bad, but never want to step in (they just talk to me afterwards and apologize and call me strong). He said he wants to do it with me, but if I can’t he’ll have to do it alone. I ask what he means, and if we would be broken up and he says he doesn’t want that or think it’s necessary, but he also expressed how it would basically be cheating to go out and do it without me.
Again, I tried to empathize, because he says he doesn’t know if he’s gay, bi, etc or what to call it, but he really wants a feminine she male and that he’s fine and open to whatever (penis, post penis-removal surgery, even naturally born female). I was supportive, while still expressing discomfort because I’ve always pictured our family to be just US TWO, until he said the post-surgery or natural vagina thing. To me, that is not exploring (a word he used) because he’s had sex with plenty of females and that would automatically make me feel like it’s a competition and I’m not enough. I get wanting to feel a penis since that I something I can’t provide, but 2 vaginas?? Am I crazy for being less understanding/supportive of that?
It’s not even the physical aspect or it being public that really bother me (they do slightly, but not as much as the emotional aspect) 1. I feel like I’ll look weak suddenly allowing a 3rd who is clearly there to sexually please my man more than me. 2. I’m worried he’l treat them better than me, we have pretty bad communication and he has severe anger issues. I cannot imagine him getting mad at the new person for asking questions, not hearing him, bringing a fork when he wanted a spoon, etc. before we moved out of state he never got mad at me. But after we moved he just acts like everything I do is targeted against him when in reality, I’m slowly killing myself to try and make this man happy.
He tried to reassure me and answer questions for how nice it would be. Me and him would work while they take care of the kids ( I don’t want my kids looking at this 3rd person as a parent or thinking a 3 way relationship is normal and standard. I also, don’t want to fucking work, and what makes him think they would want to take care of our kids?) He’s gotten mad at me for walking in on him before, I suggested he may get upset if I walk in on him and the new person doing it( I also expressed fear of him developing a preference and me feeling left out) he said I would just join if I wanted to. I then expressed fear of him getting closer to them on an emotional level, bc of our arguments he says he hates talking to me and stuff. I can barely get a word in normally because he’s yelling and says whatever I’m saying is stupid or doesn’t make sense. He then said we would all 3 talk about things tgether.
When I brought up how we should resolve our issues with each other before bringing a 3rd in, he seemed annoyed and said sure. When I pressed and tried to see if he agreed or how he really felt, he just said it seems like a personal problem (me feeling that way). This really upset me because it’s not a personal problem and I feel like all my concerns are valid. He apologized for feeling how he does because he knows it’s a shock to me and not what we planned to do when talking about building our lives together. Mind you, I’m 20 weeks pregnant with our 2nd kid as he tells me all this and basically it’s now. Or never, but not actually never because he will do it. He asked if I have a solution , but there is none. We did a 3some months ago but it was kinda weird and we never finished our talk about it. I am not the biggest fan seeing my partner fuck or lust over someone else. He was kinda upset I didn’t have a solution and when I asked if we need to split up he said I was giving him an ultimatum but I feel like he’s doing that to me. We are about to turn 25 and have 2 kids and all of this feels like it came out of nowhere, I know he will resent me if he cannot have this. He says he just wants to be his old self again (which is apparently flirty, promiscuous, and not monogamous). When he gets too drunk/high he literally flirts with other women in front of me and has even mentioned a 3some about a woman who just left the room to his friends in front of me. Then got mad when I got mad and made me feel like I was kink shaming him.
Edit: our sex live is overall pretty good, I’ve had sex with other men before him but he was the first and only man to make me “complete”. He is a little more experienced and adventurous than me, but I have tried and done everything he’s ever wanted to do in bedroom. I’m still shy sexually at times and there’s some things I’m not the biggest fan of or never suggest because it hurts and that upsets him sometimes , but I still always do whatever he wants when he asks unless I don’t feel good.
He has expressed anger and that our sex life is boring at times, and it can get repetitive and it can, but like I said - I AM SO TIRED AND EXHAUSTED. But there are also plenty of times we’re it is AMAZING for both of us and we both just know each others bodies very well.
So AITA for not wanting a 3rd partner and for leaning towards us splitting up amicably so he can pursue this?
Edit: I was depressed and cried for days when he just brought this up again this last time. I’m very emotional with the pregnancy but I still feel like I’m losing my best friend and the love of my life. Despite our issues, I’ve always had hope we would get back on our connection level of getting along that we used to have. Obviously it would be ideal for me if he NEVER HAD these feelings and urges but I feel like an asshole if I’m not supportive since it was kind of a closeted issue.

I acquired 2 acres in 1999(with deed) with a survey done in 2000. Both of these have been filed with the county clerk and can be found on the county's online official records search.
Last month I was messing around with an online tool to compare land areas on google maps and discovered a Farm to market(FM) road was built on my land in 2016. About 1/4th of the land is "lost" to the FM.
Based on my research(county's online official records search), my neighbors sold a portion of their land to Texas Department of Transportation(TxDOT) for the FM. The county sold 7 acres to TxDOT, 0.5 of which is my land. So it seems like the county believes they own my land.
So far I've met with 2 lawyers. The first lawyer put me in contact with a surveyor, he plotted the coordinates from the 2000 survey and it maps on with what the county sold(just an online plotting tool, no new official survey done yet). The lawyer has grown too busy to take my case. The lawyer he recommended didn't seem interested in the case and was quick to send me off to ask the county clerk for a check in my name(they didn't have one).
I've contacted TxDOT about my case and I'm currently waiting for a respond. I'm here to ask if there's any case precedence on what I should expect. I couldn't find this happening to anyone else online. Should I expect to receive 2016 value for my land? Since the FM was built new business have moved in very nearby, so can I get todays land value?
Taxes have been paid every year. No letter was ever sent to buy the land.

I need more brains thinking on this. Any thoughts help! My fiancée and I will both change our last names when we get married as neither of us feel attached to our surnames. We both feel as though we have cool names already and would just keep them as is, but we want a family name. Plus, we have some not-so-great familial relationships as we are an interracial lesbian couple.
Here’s some things to think about when suggesting: We both have names that start with the /k/ sound and end with /i/ as in “keep, she, see”. We would like to include the letter “o” pronounced like /o/ as in “boat,go” I also like “sk” or the letter “j”, but that’s just more ideas.
Heritage wise she is biracial: black and Native American. I am white with family from Central Europe, like Austria, Czech, Slovakia, as well as the Iberian peninsula, and Northern Europe. I’m really white lol.
I love feminine surname suggestions as well. Names like Pearl, Sloan, Rose, or even “datter” at the end!
We like last names with meaning already. We would love a surname that includes something to do with bears or citrus. We have a dog Koda so that’s already off the table. I love some ideas like: Citrine, Golden, Aurora, Pomelo, Linde, Baer, Otso, Medved, Björn.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Thanks in advance.

I'll try to keep this as brief and simple as I can. The SAAQ issued a payment in my name for the amount of my vehicle after it was totalled in a collision. A cheque was sent to my address and a copy of said cheque/mail was also sent to my online SAAQClick account as a PDF. After looking everywhere in my house, I can't for the life of me remember where I ended up putting the the original letter that I got in the mail but I have the PDF file saved in my inbox. Is there an actual issue with printing out the cheque using the PDF file and using that to deposit the funds into my account??
I've been getting multiple conflicted answers about this all from various sources including the local RBC Branch tellers. They say they won't touch that thing with a 10-foot pole. Others are saying if the cheque is in my name the bank shouldn't see an issue accepting it assuming it's held for the 5-10days period for it to clear up.
In all honesty, my local RBC branch seem to make up rules as they go depending on how the weather is. So is this something where they would say not happening and another one would?
Your expertise and experience on the subject matter would be greatly appreciated.
Cheers!

I see no point in living anymore honestly … since I became since in 2013 I saw my girlfriend walk out my hospital room to never see her again to my very good friend and my best friend both passing away to then have a friend of mine cut me out her life because “‘my situation is too negative to deal with it makes it so I start the day with a negative energy and I can’t live like this” and after she said that to me I spoken to her twice to then have a girl who I was talking too for ten years I go to finally date her and she used me for her irs penalty payment and when I bought her a plane ticket to come see me on my birthday she didn’t show because on instagram I left a friend of mine a comment with emojis (not sexual or flirting) I literally commented on her Jordan’s she Took for a Kicks Of The Day picture and she then left me for a clown from my neighborhood to then she released my nudes all over the internet (which I did not care because I’m blessed in that area) as well as posting the pictures and my phone number is some gay singles thing where I had men contacting me smh. Alllll this while dealing with severe chronic pain doctors every week sometimes three times a week. I literally do not know how it feels to be loved or have someone care about me anymore and it’s crazy because I’m not ugly I’m good looking even after suffering from duhnbar syndrome and losing over 75lbs! All I want is for a woman to love me for me and care about me I been abused mentally so much by women in the past and by people in general I’m so tired of this everyone around me is married or has children I have nobody , nobody to carry my family name just nobody I been fighting for my health and to stay alive for what???? Just to be around watching everyone else in happiness while all i know is pain I been thinking what would be the best way to take a bunch of my painkillers or to just put the AK47 to my forehead since nobody ever loved me what’s the use of my handsome face if nobody loves it everyone thinks good looking people have it easy I did up until 19 then I got sick and I just been a handsome face that nobody wants I’m not 32 and I think I’m not happy to say but this will be the last year I see 2024 I don’t want to live no more

I 33(f) have been married to my husband 39(m) for 6 years. I will call him Eric. Eric had a child (Ted) from a previous relationship and we also share another. We have been together for 12 years.
When we met I was an extreme party girl (21) who loved liquor and Eric was a daily beer drinker at home long before I came along. I did not see it for what it really was at the time.
He had his son (Ted) 50% of the time. Because of me, Eric and I essentially lived a double life for the first 6 months we were together. When Ted was at his moms I would go to parties with my friends and bring Eric every weekend and sometimes once during the week.
6 months into our relationship I was in a dnd accident which was my fault. Through that process I found AA and met amazing people and tried to get Eric to come with me. Our relationship was getting more toxic so I broke things off 2.5 months after my dnd accident. A few weeks later my step-father suddenly passed away traumatically. He was the one parent who didn't abuse me and was ever present. I almost immediately reached out to Eric.
Over the next year, we had a newborn. A couple years later, Ted's mom had overdosed on heroin but was revived and sent away to rehab. We had him full time for 3 years.
Shortly after Ted's mom was back in the picture (Eric and I were already married by this time) we found out that we were going to be stuck with a 44k debt of hers that Eric had co-signed on when they were still together. Our shared account was zeroed out on multiple occasions when we were pinching pennies to save up for a house. Eric somehow made it go away despite lawyers turning us down and Eric never gave me a real answer on what happened with it. Eventually we got a house. Our forever home.
Years later I am asked to sign documents to account for all income we receive as a couple. We were both to sign the documents. The document asked if we received child support, so I asked him knowing full well years ago he told me she stopped paying years before that. He reluctantly said yes and also reluctantly gave me the amount paid. Also saying the money almost immediately went to Ted's moms 44k debt. We were not in a position to talk deeply about it at that exact time. But noted it. I was asked to provide proof.
After a month of begging for the paperwork and offering simple solutions that were turned down. On the very last day we needed the paperwork I was given it. When I saw it, the math was not making sense. In asking probing questions and repeating them til I got a direct answer he accidentally let it slip that what money isn't going to the unpaid debt is going into his account he uses for his alcoholism and marijuana (legal in our state).
The only account I knew of was our shared account and the separate account I have in my name (that he knows of) to protect our savings from getting pulled in fear of our account getting zeroed out again due to the 44k unpaid debt. He then tried to backtrack.
I went completely catatonic. I see money go out of our shared account from his drinking and cigarettes and pulling money for what I assume is for his Marijuana. It did cross my mind sometimes the money (which was a lot) still never seemed to add up to how much drinking and smoking I saw happen which was always a problem.
I feel nothing. I'm hurt but not in the intensity I should be. I know I should be angry, I know this is a HUGE act of betreyal. I found out only 24 hrs ago. I'm terrified for my future. I pity him.
I am having him write me a letter confessing everything, what I already know and what I don't know. I'm also having him write in it why he did it and why I should stay with him because I am at a loss.
I am questioning my entire life choices now but it still feels like I'm in a dream. I have no idea if it will be enough. I'm afraid of losing my self respect, but I'm also afraid to leave, and leave Ted behind.

my ex and i dated for 2 years, we traveled the world together, did everything together. not even two weeks ago they told me how im the most perfect partner they could imagine and how much they want to be with me. we’ve had a bunch of fights through our relationship but we always made it through. about a week ago they broke up with me and i told them i would respect that and would like to still be friends and they agreed. they wrote me the kindest letter explaining how they needed to be with themselves and dropped it off at my apartment with flowers not even two days later they told me that they were dating again and said the name of the guy. and when i read the name i almost had a panic attack. it was a guy who id known about for a year or two who’s been accused by multiple women of sexual assault and my roomate knows one of them well. when i told my ex that they were in disgust and we met up and we held hands again(ik ik its like im trying to hurt myself). it felt so good and like we might figure it out but by the next day they told me they talked to him and some other people and it seems like there’s no actual proof so they’re just gonna proceed with caution talking to him. well tonight i decided i couldn’t handle being friends because i knew they were gonna start dating so i wrote a note saying that i loved them and want to be with them but need to go no contact. and when i showed up to drop it off it looks like his car is at their house. this feels like the biggest betrayal of all time and i feel like such shit.

My 15yo daughter is technically non-verbal. She uses single words, but only on her own terms. We’re best friends, but we’ve never had a conversation. She definitely understands a lot of what I’m saying, but because I can’t converse with her, I have no way to confirm what she does and doesn’t comprehend. We just assume that she understands everything, and take whatever we can get.
She can read and write, but unfortunately I can’t utilize this as a better way to communicate, as it’s selective like her speech. When she was much younger, she would write words, like elephant and universal, or names of her favorite cartoons out of blocks or fridge magnets. She was doing so well at her school, with her teachers and friends. It seemed like she was on track to become at least partially verbal. Then Covid hit, and she regressed, a lot. She has an incredible memory, and memorizes random dates and specific stuff that we did on them, she knows pretty much every Disney and Pixar movie and the years they were released, she knows a surprising amount of song lyrics… but she doesn’t write words like she used to.
She has just turned 15, and has become ten times more difficult than before. Obviously, puberty is playing a huge role in this, and it definitely doesn’t help that she’s taller and stronger than me. Not only physically strong, but head-strong. She’s stubborn, knows what she wants, and gets incredibly frustrated when we can’t figure out what it is… or we can, but can’t get it for her right away. We can only get her to eat 3 types of food, and will only drink from one specific bottle. She will never listen to reason. She bites these two spots on her hand, angry-sings/screams, and shakes when she’s melting down, and it’s so often that she has these huge calluses on both sides of her hand from it. She takes off her clothes when she’s really mad (a HUGE problem when we’re in public!), and throws her shoes and headphones. Bedtime is almost always a nightmare… and when she chooses to perform most of her scream-singing. Sometimes I think she’s asleep, then out of nowhere she’ll start “ahh ahh ahh ahh! ahh ahh ahh ahh! ahh ahh ahh ahh!”… usually she’s a great singer, but it’s not pleasant to listen to when she’s mad, because she’s screaming like a feral banshee!!
She obsessively writes down dates. We have notebooks all around the place, and she can’t go anywhere without one. She writes in patterns, and will fill a whole page with just the first letter of everything she wants to write, then goes around adding single letters or numbers… she could be writing 50 things at the same time, some dates, some activities she likes, some favorite snacks… most of it nonsense, but very meaningful to her.
I’m babbling!!
My biggest frustration is that it’s like having a toddler who can overpower me. She knows when she’s being mean, and chooses to continue. There are some things that I 100% know that she understands, but she acts like she doesn’t. She’s so smart with some stuff, and remembers everything… except how to talk! Speech would be such a game changer. I love her unconditionally just the way she is, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t grieve for the relationship I thought we’d have by now.

Share your Lather Games shave of the day!

Today's Theme: Ahoy, Lather Games!

Product must be a Bay Rum, Old Spice or Old Spice dupe, or something with nautically-themed branding / marketing.
Note: this means the soap brand or soap concept must be nautically themed in some way. It does not mean "scent must be from the Aquatic fragrance family."

Today's Challenge: Paleontology Day

Priusaurus won last year. Honour him in some way in your shave.

Sponsor Spotlight

Noble Otter Soap Co.
Established in 2017, Noble Otter started off as a team of two with one goal in mind; to make men's grooming products the way they should be. Noble Otter started many years ago in their own home making bath soaps that they felt were better than what was available on the market. One year for Christmas, Cody got a wetshaving starters kit from his wife and fell in love with wetshaving. Cody loved the nostalgia, the quality of the shave, and of course the many different scents. Of course, as a hobbyist soapmaker Cody decided to start making his own. And after many test batches and feedback from numerous people, Cody decided it was time to start his own small business. So why Noble Otter? When they started thinking of a name for our business, they wanted to be different and unique. They started with the idea of telling the story of their scents through art and olfactory experience. Each scent has a unique otter that helps you picture what the experience might be like while using one of our products. It's fun, unique, and engaging at the same time. All Noble Otter soaps and splashes are handmade in Houston, Texas.

Tomorrow's Theme: Where's the Beef?

Product must contain a non-beef tallow - e.g., sheep, bison, deer, duck, bear, cat, etc. Caveat: we acknowledge that there are usually a few vegan players who object to being required to use a non-vegan product to be on-theme; therefore, players may use a vegan soap for today's theme, provided that all the other software and hardware they use this month is also vegan.

Tomorrow's Challenge: OnionMiOsma Day

If you have Osma, use it. If you have some other alum, use it and tell us how much you wish it was Osma. If you don't have any alum, tell us why you don't put salt on your skin after you shave.

Dearest,
I want you to understand me fully, because I find it immensely difficult to communicate any of this unless it is all laid out as one mindset, for I fear being misconstrued as ill-intended when for me this is an exercise of truth and speaking that truth which I feel. It is an exercise of honesty, and one of humility as I lay bare before your conscious attention the fullness of my feeling.
I have loved and I have lost. A number of times now, in various ways. I have explored depths of despair, loneliness, grief, trauma, and other shadowy sides to myself and after entertaining death itself for years, I have emerged refreshed and cleansed. I choose life and all that this incarnation has in store for me while my lungs continue to take breath and my heart continues to beat.
My orientation to life has long been to clench and grip and grab and tightly hold on to illusions of control and security. To ensnare people with untenable relationship arrangements founded on a lack of self-acceptance and love. To entertain conditional and transactional experiences with other humans, for fear of being taken advantage of. These seeds I have allowed to take root have sprung up many times, as I have continued to water and enrich them with anxieties and fears. No longer. I choose to live and to love. I choose to cultivate a space of love that welcomes and accepts and validates and entertains without the need for gripping and containing those who enter it. And as the space expands the walls of my heart, the incalculable depths of loving potential arise to the surface and saturate my being. I choose to be love itself, incarnate as far as my current form will allow. I honor my limitations and find great serenity in accommodating and challenging them in due course.
One of my core powers is understanding the nature of limitation itself. Thus I recognize that in terms of my love, a limit does not exist that can ever long persist. My love is infinite. As I fall into the space of love, I too am infinite as a whole and no longer feel a need to leave this form, or end things, or to do anything especial to avoid suffering. I am just love itself, and that is enough to satisfy my mind and my heart and my soul. All that exists that may limit the outpouring of this love is the nature of my form, and that blessedly is ever changing—seemingly to the benefit of all, and will ever grow alongside the expansion of my heart.
This space is supremely difficult to remain in forever. But when I am with you dearest, I am always in that space. I am always in that space of love with you. Even right now. I am in love with you. Do you get what I am saying? I love you as a person, a human, a being in general. I adore so many aspects of you. But I am also IN the space of love WITH you. I am in love WITH you. I love you, but I am also in love with you.
I have no fear stating this. How could I be afraid of loving utterly she for whom I hold all desire? How could I fear you, dearest, when your embrace is pure comfort and pleasure? You are divinely saturated in feminine expression and attract every atom of my being like a super-magnet. In fact, you instead take all my fears away and alchemize them into precise and pristinely perfect inspiration for me to cheerfully ingest, effortlessly. You ARE my inspiration, my muse, my lady, my woman, and my lover in my mind and in my heart.
Your laugh is a fountain of music and your speech an enchantment for my ears. Your smile as you grin at me is so wonderfully and delightfully silly, mischievous, cheerful, hopeful, and full of desire all at once. I have never felt my capacity to love so challenged as by you, but neither have I ever recognized just how utterly willing I am and will ever be to fully explore that capacity with you.
The way your eyes sparkle with celestial radiance, and draw me down into their depths is a fantasy ride into the very dreamy undertones of my most private subconscious sensualities. And with a bright unserious laugher bubbling up in the blink of said eyes, you make me go to pieces with chagrin and humility in the best possible way. Often, your glance pierces with icy diamond sharpness, but gives way to pools of the most vibrant tropical paradise blue that are wells of the deepest wisdom; a spring from the mountains that begins a stream that will take a lifetime to meet the sea. I would swim in the depths of those pools forever, were I so fortunate as to be invited closer than the leaves of the trees on the edge of the forest. The Keen-Eyed I name you, for there exists no veil or shroud over me that your gaze cannot penetrate with swift and unyielding overtones of warmth and delight. No shadow can endure that light.
Your skin is taut; your muscles wrought—of strength, and powerful endurance. You make the lands vibrate with joy and excitement as the wind chases your feet as they dance through the world. When it is out, the sun glows dazzlingly, glittering with tiny rainbows of color as it plays across your aesthetic and athletic form, and all the wildflowers yearn in anticipation as you pass—hoping for the glory and chance of being picked and tucked behind your ear—to their greatest delight and honor. Framing the soft expanse of your brow, the tresses of your hair flash with a rare and glorious golden radiance that only the light of the stars glittering in the inky darkness of night could produce. Their glow traverses the infinite emptiness of space only to at long last become ensnared and woven into the soft strength of each strand, to radiate that light anew.
When I hug you, I realize that if I could, I would freeze time and spend an eternity just holding you in my arms, lovingly caressing your hair and back as your soft gentle weight presses into me, comforting me utterly with the honoring of the full humility of my stark humanity. Feeling your acceptance, and validation and encouraging enrichment through holding you makes me possessed by great sorrow, knowing I must let you go, but it also leaves me with a lasting serenity and pleasure, knowing that within the space of this long lifetime, I somehow have been so unbelievably fortunate as to have been graced by so loving of an embrace. Humans go entire lifetimes without ever experiencing such a wondrous experience, and I treasure it every time it occurs.
You will never owe me anything, nor suffer any binding at my hand, save those of your own choosing. I offer you infinite depths of connection and reassurance amidst the wide world, but I do not seek to contain or cage you. You have a path to walk just as I do, but I would have yours lead back to me each moment that it may. I would cherish and love you all the days of my life, and never would I intentionally overstep your boundaries nor subject you to violence. I would uphold your honor and work to emphasize your grace with my own stature and beauty and power. Such that is granted to me by the space of each moment, anyways. There is great potential for mutual growth and fulfillment between us over the length of a lifetime if we are willing to invest in developing a deeper intertwining of our bodies and our souls. I recognize many limits but no limit to the depths we might explore together. The universe is vast, but perfection abounds from the highest highs to the deepest depths, and as long as I have you nearby, I may envision it and establish it in turn, for the benefit of our family, should you choose to spend your time in my company in a home of our own.
And if your choice is to seek a path that follows a diversion from my own, I will accept it with graceful resignation, wishing you only the utmost happiness for all your days. I may strain to understand how any other might love you with greater ardor than my heart is aflame with, but the cosmos does not revolve around me, and I recognize that there persist many potential partners of greater consideration and so I willingly let go of any claim I might try to lay for your hand. Instead I offer only a blessing, that should the universe favor me at long last, that this letter will not fall astray and will arrive to a welcome reception in the halls of your heart. Should it not, I will sit with contentment, recognizing my own bravery and madness in sending it, and regretting not the choice to seek your fancy.
You are a treasure dearest, and I am a treasure seeker. I covet many gems and beautiful minerals and crystals that this wondrous planet has grown and shaped. But no crystal radiates as you do. No crystal has so beautiful of colors. Nor is as delightfully energizing as you are. I find no greater assurance in any rock or stone than I do holding your hands and being within the sphere of your aura. I have faith that I will become as strong or as harmonious or supportive as ever you might wish me to be, if only were the smile in your eyes to wake me from dreamspace each morning alongside the rays of the sun and so inspire me to greatness.
May this wishful boat of heartfelt intention and deep desire sail gently into the cavernous depths of your being beneath the mountainous wall of the outer bulwark of your defenses, and may it receive safe harborage in the twilight pools of dreams that glow like galaxies in the soft glimmer of crystal-laden caves that house your soul. May it meet there the doorway to your heart, and may it pass over the threshold, to begin anew the conjugation of the universe with itself through the vehicle of our mutual love.
For K,
Who never received it, having chosen another lover.

Take a look at the picture below. I am configuring Cloudflare OTP for the first time, and while things are working, I can't figure out where it grabbed and used that part as the name, and how I can change it. Right now it is revealing part of my personal information. Looked around in various settings, but couldn't locate the name let alone changing it. Any help appreciated !
https://imgur.com/a/c719eh0

550 years ago (2 June 1474)

• ⛪ The unfinished Assumption Cathedral (Успенский собор, aka Dormition Cathedral) in the Moscow Kremlin, built by Masters Krivtsov and Myshkin, collapsed during an earthquake and had to be rebuilt from scratch. This exquisite photo is by u/dwilko414

250 years ago (2 June 1774)

• 👩‍⚖️ The British Parliament passed the second Quartering Act, which required governors in colonial America to harbour British soldiers in uninhabited houses, outhouses, barns, or other buildings if suitable quarters are not provided, and to provide them with food. The Act was seen by colonists as one of the Intolerable Acts, which led to the outbreak of the American War of Independence and the convening of the first Continental Congress.
• 💰 In what is now Mexico City, Pedro Romero de Terreros founded the Nacional Monte de Piedad under the name of "Sacro Real del Monte de Piedad de Ánimas", a "pawnshop with a conscience" that provided a solution to the economic problems of the city's inhabitants. It's the oldest financial institution in the Americas and its business model has been replicated in many countries, including India and China. Business is still booming -- today, it grants more than 9 million new loans every year.
• 🌄 Birth of British explorer and politician William Lawson, who pioneered the first successful crossing of the Blue Mountains (New South Wales, Australia) by British colonists, opening up vast regions of Australia for settlement and agriculture. The town of Lawson in the Blue Mountains is named after him.

100 years ago (2 June 1924)

• 🪶 The Indian Citizenship Act (aka Snyder Act) granted full citizenship and civil rights to Native Americans. The picture shows US President Calvin Coolidge with four Osage Indians after signing the act. However, despite being granted citizenship, many Native Americans continued to face significant discrimination and legal barriers.
• 🚂 Birth of Russian engineer Nikolay Leonidovich Shchukin (Николай Леонидович Щукин), designer of steam locomotives. His name is so perfect for steam locomotives... the Shch was actually named after him!
• 🖼️ Death of German painter Friedrich Kallmorgen, famous for his Impressionist paintings of cities and landscapes such as "Antwerpen" (1883).

50 years ago (2 June 1974)

• 👑 Jigme Singye Wangchuck (འཇིགས་མེད་སེང་གེ་དབང་ཕྱུག) was crowned King of Bhutan. Following the death of his father, Jigme Dorje Wangchuck, the sixteen-year-old crown prince had already ascended the royal throne in 1972 -- his formal coronation took place on 2 June 1974 in Thimphu. Jigme Singye Wangchuck actually was the one who introduced the famous concept of Gross National Happiness, which emphasises holistic development and well-being over purely economic measures of success. His reign saw significant modernisation efforts in Bhutan while preserving its cultural heritage.
• 🌜 Soviet probe Luna 22 (Луна 22) entered lunar orbit, completing 3,875 orbits of the Moon by November 1975.
• ⛷️ Death of British skier and mountaineer Sir Arnold Lunn. A pioneer of modern alpine skiing, he and Walter Amstutz developed the modern rules for slalom and downhill skiing, which were adopted by the FIS World Federation in 1928.
• 🏎️ Death of Japanese racecar drivers Hiroshi Kazato (風戸 裕) and Seiichi Suzuki (鈴木誠一) at the Fuji Speedway, after they collided on the embankment. Here is a video of the crash.
• 🎬 Death of Cuban filmmaker Sara Gómez, the first Cuban woman to direct a movie ("De cierta manera"). Sadly, she died of an asthma attack during the filming of this very movie, at the very young age of 31.

So I just finally finished LF a few days ago (after rotting on the library waitlist for months!), and I was really pleasantly surprised by the way Tanaka was written. Now part of that is just that I'm a big sucker - as both a reader and a writer - for taking apart characters who are irredeemable bastards and seeing what makes them tick. I was really curious to see other fans' takes on her, and it looks like she was pretty polarizing as a POV characters - some of you guys, like me, really loved to hate her (and maybe even dip a tentative toe into feeling sorry for her), and some of you just plain hated her (and that's fine - some people prefer being able to like their POV characters. I'm not one of those people) or thought her chapters were boring (what book were you reading?). However, I haven't seen anyone really say much about the significance of her interest in (love of, really) art and art history. So I wanna talk a little about that.
The takes I've seen have largely come down to either, "It didn't fit with her character and felt really random," which I'm about to disagree with HARD, or "It served as a device to show that there was more to her that meets the eye, and that she could have gone down a completely different path." This one, I agree with, but I also think there's a lot more to it.
(1) So let's talk about why art history specifically. Why not something else seemingly 180 degrees away from being a Marine, like gardening or culinary science? As an artist who takes myself unapologetically seriously, I have had a lot of conversations with an artist friend of mine lately about the intimacy of art. Art is both an expression of individuality and a vehicle of profound, often terrifying, connection. The former is what Tanaka regards as the core of her being, while the latter is anathema to her. She is drawn to art precisely because it exists in a space of tension between her comfort zone and her deepest fears. It is the razor edge that she loves to walk.
I've said before that I think of art as a form of telepathy - you are trying to capture something inside your own mind and externalize it in a way that it is transmitted into the mind of another person. When Tanaka begins experiencing this very literally in a manner she can't control, it's her worst nightmare. But she loves art because it is a version of this that she can control. It's an outlet for her to fulfill the fundamentally human need for connection when it's never been safe (both literally and psychologically) for her to do so through any other means. She learned that as a child when she sought a hug and got a slap in the face instead.
A number of the art pieces she contemplates are emotionally intense. The Third Miko in particularly is memorable because it is a heavy piece, full of vulnerability and grief and dread. These are the kinds of pieces that not only did the artist have to rip themselves open and pour their soul into in order to produce, but the audience is required to do the same to some extent in order to fully experience them. Turning soul-crushing sadness into usable rage isn't alchemy - it's more like a refinement process; it takes a lot of energy, and there is a lot of waste runoff that still has to go somewhere. For Tanaka, that's where it goes. That's the safe place to put it. Inside of someone else's pain, where no one will ever know it's yours.
(2) The other thing I wanted to talk about hinges on a "blink and you miss it" detail that, for me at least, completely reframed the whole picture regarding the "two roads diverged" aspect of Tanaka's life, and that's the casually dropped revelation that she never actually had a choice in the first place. The way this was written, I'm absolutely certain it was a very deliberate choice by JSAC to undermine the assumptions we as readers had been previously led to make.
The "two roads" framing comes up explicitly three times in the book. The first time is in Chapter 24: "Tanaka hadn’t thought about that painting in decades, or about what a very different life she would have lived if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." The next mention is in Chapter 31, when Dr. Ahmadi is reviewing Tanaka's file. She says, "You refused an advanced scholarship in order to enlist." Both of these references frame it very explicitly as a choice. But then, a few pages later, it's revealed that it actually wasn't: "If Aunt Akari had let her study art history instead of enlisting in active service, where would she be right now? And who would be tracking down the high consul? What else—how many thousands of other things—would be different?" (emphasis mine).
This detail and the way it was just slipped in there actually made me feel terribly sad for her because it reveals that this was, in fact, never where she wanted to be at all. This is more a matter of interpretation, but my takeaway was that the whole thing about her preferring a repressive society might be less the truth and more of a narrative she tells herself because she has spent her entire life deprived of any kind of real agency. It's true that someone who has never experienced life outside a pressure cooker environment might rapidly decompress like a blobfish upon being removed from it (I'm reminded of the memoir The Girl With Seven Names, where the author's mother and brother can't adapt to life outside of North Korea and want to go back), but that's less about being naturally well-suited to it and more about being deeply and maybe irreversibly maladapted.
When Tanaka tells herself she loves life under the boot because it gives her something to push back against, she's making the best of a bad situation by pretending her lack of agency is actually just a really sophisticated form of agency. It's because the only love she has ever known is the threat of consequences, with the only realistic alternative being complete apathy. It's the same mentality that makes abuse victims blame themselves - because, in some ways, the version of events where you were totally helpless and at the mercy of other people and a cold, uncaring universe is more distressing than the version where you brought it upon yourself through your own choices and actions. Wanting (and presumably asking her aunt's permission) to study art history, only to be forced to enlist in the marines instead is just another variation of her reaching for a hug and getting a slap. But if someone cares enough to slap you in the face, at least that means they care, right? "Laconia would put two in the back of my head because they care about what I think and do" is still a nicer story than "Laconia would put two in the back of my head because I'm nobody and nothing and completely disposable to them." It also made me wonder what was meant earlier by "if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." What does she tell herself she could have done differently to change a fate that was never in her hands to begin with?
TL;DR Tanaka loves art because it's the only way she can safely experience human connection, and it's implied she actually would have chosen to study art history if her aunt hadn't forced her to enlist.