After the Khumans had settled down somewhat, Alex let out a rather shaky breath. "I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that."
"What were you expecting?" Kirell didn't understand, and it bothered him, but he was suddenly also extremely curious. It should be safe to learn more about this, right?
"Well... something more along the lines of swearing."
"Um... Karyces, Alex, did you get browner?" Kirell asked tentatively, which apparently set off the Khumans again.
"Woah there, spaceman." Sleepy didn't seem thrilled to hear him say that one; Kirell felt a guilty flush of purple around the edges of his frills. He didn't know Sleepy knew what it meant. "That's a strong word around the little one, huh?"
"Oh." He looked down at Nryxə guiltily, but she didn't seem to have noticed. At least he hoped she hadn't noticed. She was staring at the glassteel wall with her seven eyes wide open. Kirell didn't need his shiny new translator to know that her expression was curiosity. She probably didn't notice.
"You'll have to tell me what it means later. I mean it, Sleepy." Alex took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and closed her eyes. "I mean, I guess I got browner, but it's not.... Well. It's a scar."
Kirell's frills flashed open with a little pop, the whole width stained a deep red. "A scar? The whole thing?"
"Yep." Come to think of it, Alex's voice was a little lower than he remembered, a little raspier. "I– Captain, could you? It's sore."
"Sure. Poke me if I say something bad." The Captain cleared his throat as Alex sat down, crossing her legs under her, on the floor. "So, you know we burned a lot of atmosphere on Kzrkn, right?"
"Yes." Of course Kirell remembered that; he'd been scared out of his wits at the time. It seemed so silly now, to be afraid of something on the ground while he was safe in orbit.
"Well, the gate they took you through... yeah, atmospheres started mixing up, and then they closed it on Hook's electric prosthetic and–" The Captain broke off as Alex grabbed his leg; the deep red from Kirell's frills grew even darker. She was shaking a little. "Sorry Hook. Anyway, Squishy, I bet you saw it from your end too, but Hook was real close. Doc fixed what was mission-critical and did a bunch of patching, but it's still rough, and she's.... I bet she'll be mad for telling you, but she's still pretty spooked. Most folks'd already be shipped home with a Heart for this kinda thing, but damn if Hook hasn't made us proud. Well, prouder."
"What's that got to do with being browner? Did you not fix the scars?"
"Not mission-critical." Sleepy broke in on the conversation. "Don't get us wrong, Spaceman, he wanted to, but Hook said to focus on gettin' ya back."
"I think her exact words were 'Being pretty can wait.' Gotta love Hook, huh Squishy?"
Kirell felt his eyes itching, as if he wanted to cry again. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't ha–"
Alex slammed her synthetic hand into the floor with a bang; Nryxə jumped in Kirell's arms. Alex was shaking again, but this time she didn't look scared at all. She looked angry, and her eyes were a bit wet. That felt wrong, somehow, and conflicting, but Kirell could remember being scared and happy at the same time while wandering with Nryxə; it was probably similar.
"Shut it kid. Don't say that; don't you dare say that. I went after you 'cause I wanted to get to you. Don't ever say differently." Alex's voice seemed to squeak and thin out at the end of the last syllable; she pressed her lips together, looking frustrated.
"Easy there Hook. You've talked a lot more'n usual today. It's OK." The Captain reached down and patted Alex's artificial hand awkwardly. "You're doing good."
Alex swatted his hand away. Kirell's hearts abruptly thumped in his chest; he'd never seen that kind of expression on a Khuman face before. It was some mixture of ones he'd seen before; some kind of anger, sadness, coupled with a strange sick look he didn't recognize.
"Cap, ya aren't helping. If ya don't shut up I'd say it's about three seconds 'till ya get socked."
"Shi... crap. Sorry Hook. Didn't mean to– Uh, think I'll stop talking." Kirell didn't know what this situation had to do with closed tubes of fabric, or why the Captain had glanced at him and fixed his language, but he was too tired and confused to question it.
"Wait. So, Alex got burned, and Doc put her back together?" Kirell felt his own voice squeaking, not because he was injured but because the magnitude of Alex's injuries seemed to be stealing some of his air, along with much of the space in his stomach and most of his knees' strength.
"Burn care and puttin' someone back together aren't the same thing. Doc does both, but not the same way. Some parts, sure; it's why her vocal cords are weak right now. It's like a surgery; gotta be gentle with it."
Kirell's translator helpfully reminded him that Khumans were in the habit of cutting themselves open to deal with internal problems. He hadn't wanted to remember that.
"Anyway, Hook had to get most of her lungs and voice box rebuilt, so she's not got much voice to use right now. Still gettin' stronger. Her lungs are doin' great, but the voice is takin' a bit longer. It usually does."
Kirell's frills stained a deep blue. "Alex.... I wish you hadn't. I wish you weren't hurt."
Alex looked sideways awkwardly; she didn't look angry any more, which Kirell hoped was an improvement.
"I think what Hook wants to say is that she couldn't not come for you. And I'd agree with that."
Kirell didn't think that was right, but he couldn't figure out how to say so. Surely Hook had a choice, right? He wasn't somehow making a Khuman– a Khuman, of all things– do anything they weren't already going to do. Surely not. The idea of a Khuman being controlled by anything but their own wild Khuman-ness was laughable. Or, he acknowledged at the sight of the glassteel walls, by another Khuman.
"So you're in here because....?"
"Well, essentially we, uh... we were doing it again, huh Hook? We were just running in again like there was nothing there to stop us. Guess that's what we do." The Captain grimaced, one hand brushing the back of his head. "Right up until Sleepy showed up and said 'Hey stop that' with a bit more'n words."
A loud amusement sound made both Kirell and Nryxə jump; Sleepy was apparently very amused by this rephrasing of his actions. The Captain bared his teeth, too, with a look on his face that the translator told Kirell was [embarrassed] and [slightly regretful].
"Well, ya saw him now, and ya see that he's picked up someone of his own."
"Does that make you a granddad, Sleepy?"
Sleepy shrugged, looking at Nryxə, who looked back with seven wide eyes. "Dunno. I guess it depends on what the spaceman wants, right? And what'd be best for the kid. Whaddya think, Spaceman?"
"I, um... I don't know if I know what's best for Nryxə, but I don't want her to be upset. Can we talk about this later?"
The Khumans froze for a moment before the Captain whistled long and low. "Right. Not exactly good practice, is it? Talking custody with a kid in the room. Sorry 'bout that, Squishy."
"Hey, speaking of which." Sleepy reached out and gave Kirell a gentle, very reassuring head pat. Oh, he'd missed those. "I'm not sure he should be 'Squishy.' He didn't like it before, and now... don't ya think?"
"Yeah, agreed, it doesn't fit any more. Blue? No, don't like that one. Zim?"
"Absolutely not, Cap. Nor Dent, nor Ford Prefect. Gonna cut you off at the pass on that one."
Alex made a strange noise in her throat; with more patience than Kirell remembered them having, the Captain and Sleepy waited for her to be able to speak. When she did, it was a single word.
"Ripley."
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OK so idk how to start this without sounding crazy but look at the subreddit I'm posting in lol. We're all one big family of messed up brains here! Haha.
Anyway. So like... I have 4 versions on me in my head sitting at the control panel makin decisions. Think like that Pixar movie with the feelings that made ya cry. Ratatouille.
They're different stages of my life and maturity levels and they each are in control of certain things in the brain room. Yes they do have names but for some reason I don't feel fully comfy saying them on reddit. ... I probably won't even post this. ... we'll see 🤷‍♂️ I got Boy, Teen, YA, and Man. Man just showed up recently to the party. He's making most of the decisions. But me eating that entire pack of Gummi bears last night without any hesitation? That was Boy makin that call. The other 3 didn't even have a chance to stop it. Lol. I know that when I'm tired and my power is shutting down then Boy starts talkin in my sleep sayin weird shit about video games and crap from my childhood. I know that anytime I get riled up over the government or suddenly angry about some political bullshit I can't fix, that's just my Teen brain angst takin over the controls while Man and YA are trying to pry him off the knobs and dials and levers or whatever. It's all very cartoony in my head idk how you other people live, I'm just telling you this is my brain.
But you get it right? Do you personify your actions? One time I was walking around the block on a cloudy day and brought my umbrella cuz I assumed it'd rain and it started POURING down rain. Puddles formed. The whole shebang. Instead of going home early or whatever, I played around with the umbrella and danced and splashed in the rain. This shit happened like 4 months ago! I'm a 34 yr old man! My Boy brain went, "splash in them puddles" and I did it.
Do you do that? I'm alone in that? Nah. You do that right? My cousin says her bad decision person in her head is named [REDACTED] so I at least know there's 1 person out there like me. 👍

I don’t know how people do life. Everything is too hard. I hate being around people. I get so over stimulated by things. I can’t keep a job. I used to only be able to keep jobs by being secretly drunk. Being on adderal helped me a lot, but now I worry that it has caused damage to my heart. I have been in a burnout for about a year. I have been hiding and avoiding people. I need to get a job, but I can barely handle taking my finances dog outside. People are everywhere. I hate being looked at. I hate being talked to. I hate that people expect things from me and they assume I’m “normal” because I don’t “look” autistic.
I’ve had jobs in the past, and the way I got hired was by being drunk at the interview. I portrayed myself as an outgoing people person because that is what they said they were looking for. To keep up the act after I was hired I just stayed drunk. People would irritate my soul all day. I would run to the bathroom to escape and hide often. There was other autistic people there, but they didn’t know I was autistic. Because I was masking so well though I was raging and crying inside I guess I appeared neurotypical. This autistic coworker would infuriate me all the time by telling me that I’m so lucky that I’m normal. I finally told her no I’m not. I’m just better at masking.
I tried to be considerate of her because I was familiar with the struggle. She would overstimulate me often and make me want to have a full blown meltdown. I’d struggle to suppress the urge to. I’d just run to the bathroom and chug more alcohol. She would pop out of no where and claim that I was ignoring her because I didn’t say hi to her. She would go around saying no one likes her because she’s not normal. It would piss me off. I went off on her one day. I told her stop saying that! Also why would I say hi to her if I didn’t even see her because she was hiding???
So my manager wrote me up. I’m so tired of people not being considerate of me and my autism but being so considerate of other people. I’m scared to even tell employers that I’m autistic because the times I have I ended up not even getting hired at those jobs.
Im so angry that ex’s family that I used to live with would be so mad at me all the time and treat me bad. I wouldn’t even know what I did wrong. I’d just walk in the room and they’d be glaring at me or they would be making up lies and gaslighting me. They said I was a habitual liar. To this day I don’t know what I supposedly lied about. I think the reason they hated me so much was because I was autistic. At the time I was 18 and not diagnosed. It shocked that no one ever considered I might be when I displayed soooo obvious signs.
How do I even get back out into the world that I desperately just want to avoid? How am I supposed to function and work? I’m scared I’m just always gonna be miserable and uncomfortable and wanting to hide. I have to make money soon because I’m struggling financially and I have a child. Disability could take a long time to get if I ever even am able to get it at all. I don’t wanna drink.

*mended our relationship 🦋
This success story is going to confuse many of you who read the previous one I posted earlier in the day! 😂
So, I've always had a very...uh...dynamic..relationship with my mom, to say the least. We've had our ups and downs.
She's been quite disappointed with me of late, due to some of my life choices that she thinks will come to bite me in the ass later on. But I KNOW that that's not the case! And time will be my advocate so I don't waste my energy explainin'. 🤷🏻‍♀️
🦋 Still, it won't be an exaggeration to say that she's almost always angry with me over this thing or another. 😂 Now I also know this is my own doing in some way.
But, today, it went too far.
**She was happy in the morning (as you guys already know from the previous story) but later in the day, her mood got ruined because of something that happened in the house.
🌸 And within MINUTES, her and I were arguing.
And arguing with my mom always breaks my heart. Always. Even if I am in the right. 😭
✨️ Especially because she hasn't been well in the past few months. Her body's STILL in recovery mode from the previous operations and now, the doc's also diagnosed hypertension!
And that's ON TOP OF an ankle that doesn't let her walk AT ALL.
Understand the gravity of the issue guys - She could NOT walk more than 20 minutes before her ankle flaring up soo much she had to stop. 🥺
🪄✨️ Not to mention, she's almost always angry with me when earlier we used to talk like besties so I missed hugging her and talking with her like the old days and seeing her around her garden painlessly!
But today, she overexerted herself soo SOO much during the argument that her heart beat began faster and faster. I could see it on her face.
She couldn't even walk the distance between my room to hers without limping and heaving! 🥺
I got scared but she wouldn't let me help her at all.
She was just SOO angry at me.
🩷 So, after the argument was over, I decided to take a nap.
*People always think of me sooo fucking selfish you know? When they see me takin a quick nap in the face of an argument! 😂
Because there she was, in her room, **crying her eyes out, not being able to even breathe properly and not letting me help either!
And here I was, pulling out my fav pillow for a lil dreaaam time 😂
🪄✨️ Well, I rolled over to my side, hugged my pillow, and imagined hugging my mom and saying, "I am soo happy you are back to being healthy and radiant again!"
I don't know for how long I repeated it, to be honest.
I was just soo tired from cryin that I simply didn't have the energy, you know?
🌸 I just did it as best as I could.
And I had a dream where my mom and I were going on a long drive!! 🥳
I was woken up by a feeling that my mom yelled my name. I was half asleep and that feeling sent a chill down my spine ngl! shudder.
🪄✨️ But then, as I was about to sleep, my mom came into my room, turned the light on and hugged me.
YOU GUYS SHE HUGGED ME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHSS!! 🥳🩷
She kissed my forehead and I could see a sense of relief, understanding, and healthy glow on her face.
BELIEVE ME when I say that it'd been A LONG TIME since I saw her that relieved!
And she said to me,
"Wake up, R! Let's go for a walk!"
A. FUCKING. WALK, you guys! 🥳🌸
You know how long it's been since she said it this happily?????
I'm just soo happy and wanted to share this story in case any of you is going through a rough patch in any of your relationships!
**Apply the law lovingly and you'll definitely see the results. I PROMISE!* 🥳
Until next time,
R A I N ☔️

Here is some of my story, to help understand what I suffer from? A dr asked if there was anything I could think of that could have caused my depression. I said no, but here are some of my life memories that may have had a play in it. I'm sure many things played a part in my down coming, but I think it only fueled something already broken inside me.
4-5yrs old. My earliest memories.
I heard an adult male voice that would yell at me, very angry, very loud at night when I would use the bathroom. HURRY UP, FASTER, NOW, GO!!! it would rush me.
I seen shadow figures dart down the hallways.
My mom and dad would scream behind closed doors, almost as if mom was screaming for help, but all I could do was beat on the door.
I was thrown outside into the dark night alone and would scream and cry from fear. We had people break into our home through my window while I slept. You can imagine my fear as I stood alone shaking in fear of the unkown outside.
I remember "floating" off of a curb in front of the house.
One night watching tv alone I heard a noise behind the couch, a gremlin like creature jumped out at me when I looked to see, I ran screaming!!! True stroy :/
My parents got a divorce.
I sat on the couch alone with my dad as he loaded his handgun, cocked it, and pointed it to his temple. I begged and cried for him not to do it! He pulled the trigger as I held his arm. It clicked, a dud.
I don't really remember having any emotions other than pain I guess.
I remember being told we were going to Disney world and I was like, ok, and someone saying they've never seen a kid act so calm about something so exciting. I remembered that, and thought a lot about it, what did they mean?
I had strange thoughts too, like adults would cut their legs off by shutting their car doors when entering the vehicle . . . Me sitting behind unable to see what was really happening. I knew better though.
I started school, I remember watching and learning how my peers around me acted and I started to mimic their behaviors.
I began masking my own emotions with being happy and acting crazy because I seen it made people laugh and happy.
2nd grade i already felt guilty all the time and anxious. Someone else in trouble, why do I feel guilty?
I remember learning I was color blind and the teacher basically humiliated me by saying, will someone please help Cory pick out the correct colored crayons, clearly annoyed. I got even smaller, helpless, unable to help myself.
By the time I hit 4th grade, my thoughts were non stop, I couldn't focus, and I didn't see the point of even trying . . . Why, what is the point??? I've absorbed so much already I also thought school was basically useless in the long run. My grades began to rapidly decline because I didn't care anymore. I did continue to learn, I just chose not to do the work.
I always had horrible thoughts, I continued to mask my emotions despite being in constant despair.
I always feared something bad would happen to my dad, a car wreck, ect, losing him. I missed him dearly. My weekend visits every 2 weeks only fueled my worries.
I had a lot of trouble falling asleep, I would cry in fear I would turn into a serial killer while I slept.
I was always super anxious when needing anything, so I tried my hardest to cover up anything I could to keep from needing help.
I couldn't handle the thoughts anymore. The pain. I always wanted something bad to happen to me so someone would care, like I wished I would die. So by 10, I balled my eyes out in my backyard alone, untieing my tire swing, I climb the pine tree a good ways up, tied a slipknot in the rope, placed it around my neck, looked at the ground below and just gave up, I jumped! Luckily, I was so distraught I didn't measure the length of the rope and I hit the ground. Nobody knew.
I was accused of being on drugs a few times, what are drugs?
I started to try out smoking cigarettes.
I refused to wear shorts because people would question my birth mark, is someone beating you??? More unwanted negativity, I just want to disappear.
5th grade the bullies start, I was stabbed with pencils 2 times, and constantly attacked behind the scenes. Nobody knew. I refused to seek help.
D.A.R.E. came and taught us all about the wonderful world of drugs and how good they can make you feel, and how illegal and dangerous some can be. Hmmmm.
7th grade nothing has changed, still struggling with who I am and why I even exist.
I discovered, sex, drugs, and alcohol in 7th grade. Started with pills, then weed, sex and alcohol.
14 years old, we've moved a few times by now, I don't have any life long friends, but anyone I met eventually referred to me as an alien. I remember that nickname since like 4th grade. Different people, still an alien. I did manage to use drugs to elevate my mood, and I made new friends. I didn't have friends. Just drug addicted teens and bullies.
I flunked 7th grade, not because I was stupid or didn't know how, but what is the point? My lowest grade was a 27%.
The schools appointed me with a school counselor, needless to say, by the end of that year, she told me she was going to quit, she has never had a child fail so badly under her care.
Life went on, got more serious, more complicated, 17 my stepdad kicked me out. I continued to mask my life away, hiding behind a false smile. Still moving, still plagued by suicidal thoughts, anxiety. Bullying continued till I dropped out of school the day I turned 18 and immediately got my G.E.D. My stepmom kicked me out.
I got arrested, 13xs and 14 driving suspensions during an endless 10+ year cycle. Currently no probation, and I have a license.
Relationships always ended with me being cheated on, despite my kindness, trust no one, more fuel for my distrust.
People still try to hurt me for no reason, I even have titanium in my jaw from being sucker punched by someone I don't have any connection with. I just happened to be there. More pointless pain. I've kind of become a warrior of injustices I see around me. I am easily triggered and I will jump to someone's defense in a heart beat.
The pain never ended, I kept pushing, people do care, I don't want them to hurt for me.
30+ years I learned to cope somehow, experimenting with many different drugs. Some worked, but most had negative side effects. I can tell you in pretty good detail lol I did manage to quit EVERYTHING except weed and cigs, on my own.
I had nothing left, fresh out of jail, ready for change, I found her, I met my wife to be. I still struggle with my racing thoughts, and depression, but my beautiful wife has helped me become something more than I ever was, a better father, a husband.
I still struggle with emotions and racing thoughts. Zoom zoom.
Tiktok has made me aware of many things I didn't realize weren't normal feelings or behavior, I've saved them.
My love language is mental and physical intimacy, words of affirmation, kindness, hugs, kisses, feeling the other person close, making love, a mutually agreed upon ritual of love only between the 2. I smother my poor wife, I know I do, I don't mean to, I crave that close human contact. I understand she needs the space sometimes, I get it, I can become overwhelming im sure, still hurts for some reason though despite knowing people need some space sometimes. My thoughts are always racing.
Most doctors have automatically labeled me a drug seeker due to self medicating the pain away with marijuana, even though I've asked for help, That's fine, I don't want drugs to get high, I just want to feel better. If I wanted to get high I would just hit up the sobo clinics using my insurance.
Here I am, a broken man, mended together by my wife's love, can I be fixed? This is what has shaped me. I'm sure there is more, I've mentally removed, or forgot to list because I have sooooo many persistent internal thoughts, but I did notice that speed, like adderal, i can stop thinking, silence my racing thoughts, and my heart rate drops to like 50 bpm, instead of 90-100bpm, but the side effects I hate, it gives me E.D. although, I'm sure my wife probably wouldn't mind that part at all, haha.
Like I said, im probably still labeled a drug seeker, so what's a depressed man who refuses to admit he is broken to do? Contine to mask it, and try to fix it himself?
I'm a 38 y/o male, btw. Ha, still undiagnosed :P

(Greetings, folks. I have no idea what this is, nor will I elaborate. Just know that I wanted to do something and this is what it became. This is an homage to u/CaptainMatthew1 and his fic, The Nature of Knights, the idea behind the Knights inspired me to write this. [Though I may have modified them a lot].
This was supposed to be a one-shot, but Reddit didn't like how many words I had, so parts 2 and 3 will be released shortly.)

Unwandered Ways - The Swordsman (1/3)

{You are about to access an unregistered file. Some content may not be safe for everyone, and viewer discretion is advised.}
{Date (by our approximations of the human system): June 23rd, 2164}
{Transcriber's note: This is for any Federation species who see this; there are no records of any of this on file, so either the Federation did a REALLY good job at covering it up, or none of it is real. I hope it's the latter.}
{Transcription subject: Governor Tarva, Venlil Republic, Spokesperson for the Venlil}
Who would have thought that a single call would ruin a whole day's plan of rest and relaxation? Who would have the gall, the nerve, the utter and sheer brahking balls to call me into work on the one paw I have off every cycle? Well, as it turns out, damn near every single official working for the government and their mothers, because even at work, in the Governor's mansion, I was getting calls to come in and deal with a problem no one had explained to me yet.
The door to my office closed with a loud crack as I marched toward the round table in its center. My desk and all the items on it have been moved to the side for the meeting, a private one, one that had the word 'secret' written all over it. I saw Kam, my military advisor, sitting next to my assigned seat at the head of the table. Cheln, interplanetary relations, sat across from him. Quim, Agriculture, sat next to Cheln. Glim, Chief Exterminator of the Capitol, sat on the far edge of the table, looking as miserable as I felt. All but Zoal, the chief of the Aeronautical, Astronomical, and Subnautical Association, and sole Fissian in a major government seat, seemed to be confused.
"What in the stars' name is all this," I asked as I looked between each of the 'gOveRnMEnt peOpLE'. There were a few more people, a few of them were Magistratta. Most seemed to be of the Far Falls district, a region just south of the Capitol.
"Ma'am," Zoal said nervously, "I understand if you are angry at me for calling us together, but there's a massive problem headed our way." A widescreen, one that sat behind my desk for when I made announcements from the safety of the mansion, lit up as I took my seat and turned toward the screen.
The most noticeable thing I saw, after the lights were turned off and the blinds put over the windows, was an absolutely beautiful ship, and a large one too. Its hull was long and smooth, shining iridescently in the light of our star. It reminded me of older models of Kolshian ships, the ones in museums, but this one felt distinctly different. It was not a Federation craft, that much was certain. Oddly angled fins protruded from the back as blue flame could be poking out from behind its aft side, the flames of a fission reactor burning its way across space at top speeds. It had wing-like protrusions on both sides of it, hinting at interatmospheric capabilities which was surprising with such a large ship, as well as a slight protrusion on its underside. I noted an apparent lack of weaponry across the hull, but it was impossible to say for certain that there was nothing at all.
Barely perceivable on the wings, marked in dark red paint, was a large, twisting symbol. It reminded me of some trees I had seen on Nishtal when I visited for the opening of the newly renovated Venlil Republic Embassy.
"Ok, so a nice pretty space boat. What exactly are we supposed to be worried about." Glim pointed a claw at Zoal.
For what it was worth, I didn't particularly like Glim. His brash attitude and knack for asking questions after he had burned a forest down always grated against my attempts to be more peaceable with the nature around us, even if that meant that predator sightings were a bit more common than what the Federation considered the norm.
Zoal on the other hand was disliked for entirely different, and completely unearned reasons. He was head of the entirety of the AASA, but also the head of the Astronomical sector of the Association, meaning he was our early warning system against the Arxur, or unannounced guests, like the one on screen.
"You are supposed to be worried about this." The screen shifted to a picture of Venlil space, at its center was Venlil Prime. A red line, starting at VP and working its way 'north', ended on a relatively large system titled Sol.
It was completely covered in red. It was marked as a deadzone.
"A deadzone?" Cheln's tail flicked with worry, it was clear by the motions of the others that they understood too.
"A deadzone," Zoal confirmed. "The Farsul have marked this entire system as a highly dangerous region of space. I don't know why, the censors keep blocking me, and when I asked some of the Kolshian leadership about it they told me to stop messing with things too dangerous to play with." The screen flicked back to the picture of the ship as he pointed to it with his tail. "This ship, whatever is on it, came from a deadzone! THAT is why you should be worried."
"Where are they and have we tried to hail them?" The question seemed to make the Far Falls Magistratta perk up. "Don't you brahking tell me they're already in orbit..." If my exasperation wasn't obvious before, I was sure it was now.
"It's not," Zoal said, looking to the Magistratta, "The ship is, however, making a B-line for us, probably because of our obvious shipyards and outgoing craft."
"So now we have a ship from a deadzone wandering into our space and we haven't done anything to either destroy it or contact it?!" Glim looked at Zoal with something between worry and irritation. "I say we shoot it out of the sky as soon as it gets within orbital range."
Kam raised his tail in agreement, "I too, think it'd be best to simply destroy it. The Farsul and Kolshians must have a good reason to hide whatever is going on in the Sol system, and it's not up to us to pry." He grabbed the remote from Zoal and flicked back to the map, the deadzone's red covering the Sol system. "That much space means that the entire system is a no-go zone, which likely means there's something there that is as or more dangerous than the Arxur. If I had to guess, it's probably another predator race."
The room went quiet. Zoal looked at Kam in horror while Glim looked even more dead-set on blowing the unverified ship out of the sky. Cheln's tail was held at high alert and most of the Magistratta were looking at each other with severe worry.
"Ok, but the Arxur weren't able to get off their rock without help from us. Are you suggesting that a predator race managed to get FTL travel despite everything we know?" It was a Magistrate, a white and black-dotted Venlil with a distinct black splotch over their left eye.
"Who are you exactly," Kam asked in barely concealed annoyance.
"Roh, Magistrate head of Far Falls education department. Y'know, the only Venlil here with a history degree."
A beep from a pad stopped everyone. Then another one. My pad buzzed three times as I brought it up.
Warning, various FTL lane entrances compromised. Arxur signals being picked up from western quadrant of system. Evacuation impossible. Brace.
"BRAHK! Everyone to the bunkers! Glim," I pointed my tail at him, "Announce this to the public, Cheln, get a line to that ship and I'll call them off. And by the stars, Kam, call the Federation!"
The room burst with action as the Magistratta filed out in a panic, along with Zoal, Glim, and Kam. Cheln looked about ready to collapse as he dialed in for a techy to come to the room. Once the technician arrived, a duo of bodyguards behind him at the request of Cheln, he started to fiddle with my computer.
"The line's wonky, and the systems on that ship are primitive as a Yotul, but it should hold." The techy backed away and let me take my seat. The hailing system was already up and prepared to go. "This is Governor Tarva of the Venlil Republic! Whoever or whatever you are, you need to get out of here! There's a contingent of Arxur headed our way and we're calling in allies for help!"
I waited a moment, hoping to get a response. When it came, it was the opposite of what I was expecting.
"This is Captain Loris of the United Nations Space Command Ship Liberator. Good to meet you Tarva, but we're not going anywhere." The voice was deep, very deep. If it wasn't for the niceties I'd be hard-pressed to think it wasn't an Arxur. The voice got slightly farther away as they turned to talk to someone else. "Ordie, get me a read on those ruptures. Weapons systems, ship count and class, and how strong their shields are." The voice of Captain Loris came back to the microphone. "Looks like we've found our prey. Be warned Governor, we are but one ship, we won't be able to hold them off for long if at all. Let's hope your allies are better suited to fight off... uhh, a solid amount of bogies than we are. Pożegnanie." The last fragment of his call remained untranslated as the hail disconnected.
"Welp, they're doomed," the techy said as he turned and ran for the nearest bunker.
As he opened the doors I could see the halls in a complete panic, stampeding had taken over the mansion and torn up a lot of the decorations and potted plants within. Kam's dark gray fur brushed the techy aside as he stumbled out of the crowd and into the office. His hair was a mess, but that was understandable, having just waded through a rampage.
"Got into contact with one Captain Sovlin, any luck with the ship?"
I dipped my ears in confirmation. "Captain Loris of the UNSCS Liberator sends us his regards and has decided to take the Arxur on."
"Insanity! Does he know-"
A shuddering crash echoed from outside the doors of the office, interrupting Kam's rant-to-be. "Yes, he knows. Or will shortly," I responded, getting ready to leave the mansion and make my way to the bunker beneath it. I grabbed my kinetic from the bottom left drawer of my desk, always kept close.
Cheln looked me over as his ears twitched in anticipation, "I'll see about connecting the system that techy set up with your pad, in case the ship calls us back."
"Of course," I said with a sweep of my tail, ordering the two guards to come with us as we ran out of the room.
The source of the crash became heavily apparent as we exited. The glass chandelier had somehow fallen from its spot a story up and fallen directly into the center of the mansion's main room. I tried my best to ignore the orange that stained the thin glass shards littering the area around it. Other than the poor souls who got crushed in the stampede, there was no one left in the mansion, all having made their way to the entrance of the bunker in the back.
A ping on my pad told me I had around four [minutes] before the Arxur got here. That was a rough approximation, seeing as the system didn't account for a small flagship to already be near orbit, but I didn't have much hope that it was off by anything more than a one or two.
A sudden ringing from my pad caused me to stop dead in my tracks. It was the Liberator.
Opening the call, a video one this time instead of only audio, I could see several shapes moving in a dark room bathed in red light. A flashing sign above a doorway blinked twice, stopped for a moment, then blinked again. In front of me was a bipedal thing wearing a black flak-covered suit and a helmet with a blacked-out visor. His shoulders were adorned with golden pads and his helmet had an eight-pointed star on its forehead. The creature's face was oddly flat, but I was less worried about that and more about the lack of side-view panels on the mask.
"Ah, wow, was not expecting you to look like that. This is Comms Officer Ajax Vehoosa of the UNSCS Liberator. We've taken quite a beating for you, but we need to retreat. Those bastards have some heavy-hitting lazcannons and our shields aren't compensating as much as we had hoped. They're making a B-line for you now." He turned away toward another creature wearing pretty much the exact same outfit, but with four stars on his forehead and a white cape draped over one of his shoulders. "Captain wanted to know if you'd be fine with us sending down some Knights to defend sections of your populated areas."
I took a [second] longer than I should have before flicking my ears in confirmation. When he didn't reply I spoke, "Yes, we're fine with that. Most of us are going to bunkers dotting the areas you've specified."
"Good. Liberator out, stay safe." The line cut again as a boom echoed in the distance.
"They've started their bombing runs," Kam said over my shoulder. "We need to go now."
I flicked both my tail and ears in agreement. The courtyard came into view as an Arxur bomber swooped by, headed for a skyscraper in the center of the city. As it passed over the treeline cutting the gardens of the mansion from the rest of the city it was suddenly struck down by an asteroid. The ship exploded as soon as contact was made and the cylindrical meteor slammed into the mud and flowerbeds with a crash, the remnants of the bomber scattered around it. A latch on the side of the capsule hissed as it slowly opened, revealing...
A massive metal monolith.
A reflective metal carapace shot the rays of the sun back at us as the metal-clad creature stepped into the light of Venlil Prime. The clank and whir of hydraulics sounded across the courtyard as the machine-surrounded creature stepped from its pod. A helmet with two top-down cross-slits on its front reflected my face back at me as it stared us down. The armor was jet black, with thick lines of blue etched in swirling patterns across the chest and face of the machine.
It started to grumble something but was interrupted as a hiss from the treeline alerted us to the existence of an Arxur, watching us. The metal titan turned slightly, keeping a side-long glance on us, before it nodded, and turned to face the Arxur head-on. It reached up toward its back and grabbed at a metal rod, poking out of a long, curved box attached to its back.
A heavily accented metallic voice rang out from the titan, "Alright yeh fuckin' lizard, come get some." With the shing of metal moving smoothly across metal, the titan drew a colossal sword from the now-clearly scabbard and held it with both paws.
The Arxur, to Kam, Cheln, and mine's surprise, ran like a Venlil, with its tail between its legs. The yipping it let out as it ran was sure to call attention toward us, as I could see shapes in the city past the trees moving toward us.
"Idiot."
The metallic voice cut through the air like a knife, or a sword in this case, and it stabbed the blade into the ground. "This is Madman, reporting in. I have three civies with me and about... thirteen bogies making their way up toward the important lookin' house. Echo Tango Alpha 2-2-4." The creature raised its arm to its chest and started typing away at a holopad on its forearm. A moment of hesitation passed through it before it continued typing.
Feeling the time was right, I took a step forward, causing 'Madman' to turn its head in our direction. Looking at us head-on, forward-facing eyes.
Immediately I stumbled back into Kam's arms as Cheln dropped to his knees and started praying to his tenants. I couldn't see through the visor, but that action alone made it clear that we hadn't invited saviors onto our homeworld, we'd invited destruction. "W-we surrender," I said weakly as Kam hoisted me back onto my hind paws.
The giant metal predator looked at us for a moment longer before returning to his pad and typing out a few more things. "Liberator, I've got some issues with those three civies I told you about. No, none are dead. No, none are dying. Well, one's prayin', another's got its hand on a sidearm, and the important one, likely the Governor, 's gone and surrendered to me. No, I ain't takin' it, what the fuck do you think I am? Fine, Madman out."
As soon as I felt his gaze on me I backed up again, however, this time Kam held me fast with his tail twined around mine. We stood in silence, looking at each other for far longer than would have been advisable before anyone spoke up.
Unfortunately, that someone was Glim, who'd returned from the bunker, probably looking for me. "Tarva wh- HOLY STARS!" The beast's stare zeroed in on the lone Exterminator Captain, freezing him in place and giving me time to think through the chemicals that had overrun my brain.
These new predators had come at either the worst possible time or the best, as it was likely that they'd fight the Arxur off with those giant suits of armor. The cost, however, could be far too great if they won. We had no idea if they were going to be like the Arxur, or if we had just encountered something far, far worse.
Then again, nothing really beats people who eat children...
"Glim, hold on," I said through the liquid fear coursing through my veins. Staking all I had, all I'd ever known on a single step forward, that's what I'd do. I'd condemn my race to servitude, hoping to spare ourselves the monstrosities flooding our streets. It all came down to this. Single. Step.
The fraction of a movement was enough to get me talking, "I-I don't know what you have in m-mind for us Venlil, but if you're any b-better than the greys then I'll t-take my chances."
Even with its hidden eyes glaring at me, I felt determination override the fear coating my brain. This thing needed to know we'd be compliant; I feared what would happen if we weren't.
"Get yer asses to that bunker. I'll see to it that you remain safe." That was all it said before ripping its sword from the ground and running in the direction of the city, its armor gleaming in the sunlight as the hiss of hydraulics pistoned it forward. Not a few moments later I could hear roars, which turned into blood-curdling screams after only a moment.
"Come on," Kam said as he urged Cheln back to his paws, "We don't want to stick around for whatever else those metal things have in store."
-+=========================+-
This is split into three parts; you can find the next one [here].

I am absolutely drowning in so many different ways right now and I have no way out of any of it.
My husband has epilepsy and we’ve been working on getting the right meds but he’s not seizure free yet. He said he was gonna stop driving but now he’s back to doing it again and I refuse to have myself or my son in the car with him so I’m literally stuck. Nobody is willing to take me to the dmv to take my driving test “because I’m being dramatic about not letting husband drive”
My son (1.5) has been going through a weird phase so I spend half my day dealing with him freaking out because he’s tired but doesn’t wanna sleep or hungry and doesn’t wanna eat etc
My younger sister just got removed from her father’s house by cps and is now living with me. The whole situation is terrible and it’s not even been a week
A friend of mine has come to stay with us for a short time because her mom kicked her out and she’s on ss disability so she had nowhere else to go.
On top of all of this there has been a mountain of drama with my husbands family and also my mother, I feel like I’m going fucking insane. My husband and I have been arguing more and every single time I feel like such an asshole and I don’t want my son living in an angry home but I literally feel like I’m going to explode constantly. I’m overstimulated all the time and I never get a break. I can’t get back on my antidepressants or adderal (for adhd) because I’m still breastfeeding my son and I can’t stop breastfeeding because he won’t freaking drop his bedtime feed.
Even if I wasn’t nursing I couldn’t get my meds because my therapist has been ghosting me for months. I’m also dealing with my own slew of health issues and have zero treatment for most of them. I had hg when I was pregnant with my son and my gallbladder, sugar levels, and teeth have been wrecked ever since but my doctor (and second opinion) says there’s nothing that can be done because nothing is bad enough. I’m expected to take Pepcid for gallbladder attacks. I am almost constantly in pain in some way.
I cry every single day. I’ve barely been eating. I’ve thought about hurting myself so much but I never would because I know everyone needs me so fucking much that that would be so selfish. I’m constantly taking care of everyone and I feel like I’m just left in the dust with nothing to hold onto.
WTF do I do? Me feeling this way isn’t good for anyone involved. I’m like a zombie. Cooking. Cleaning. Going through the motions. I’m so worried about money right now with two extra people in the house with no notice.
Please someone just tell me what to do.

CHAPTER 2
As Jon raced through the streets towards his untimely and bizzare end, the boat bobbed and weaved through tiny streams of rain water. To Jon's young and active imagination the tiny paper boat was an engineering marvel, a boat as unsinkable as the titanic had once hoped to be. The purpose of such a boat seemed to change every few minutes, with Jon churning out new and fantastical scenarios one after the other, each he liked more than the last.
This boat had been everything from a pirate ship sailing towards a lost city filled with plentiful treasure, Noah's arc sailing on the flood that killed humanity, to even a world war 1 navy vessel protecting their country from enemy nations, but right now he was imagining it as Prince Eric's boat from th Little Mermaid. That movie also happened to be Jon's favorite movie, and so it was Jon's favorite scenario to imagine for the boat, but really Jon liked pretty much anything disney related.
"Everyone on deck!" He shouted, happily racing after it "Move move move!". As he yelled and followed it, Jon found himself overwhelmed with a sudden fuzzy feeling, the feeling of pure adoration for everyone in his life, but especially Tom. He dearly wished he was here to experience the rain and boat with him, it just didn't feel fair that Tom had to stay at home sick all day while Jon got to play and have fun. Perhaps when he got home later he'd make him a nice get well card with pretty flowers on it and a drawing of the whole family holding hands.
He could have plenty of fun on his own, but Tom just always managed to make made things better. He had the greatest ideas for games and never seemed to get sick of him, and even when he did, he was good at hiding it. Jon just couldn't wait to tell him all the exciting adventures he went on with his little boat later, and he couldn't wait to hear his reaction to all he had to say either.
Spontaneously, the streams current kicked up a notice and the boat began to speed up, as though magic had thrusted it forward and onto a path Jon could not quite follow. He tried his best to keep up, but the road it turned down was hardly Sesame street. When the autumn storms had hit Derry and rumors of floods were being spread, this was one of the streets the water had damaged the hardest. Bits and pieces had cracked off the side and were floating down stream just like Jon's beloved paper boat, along with broken twigs, busted bottles, and any other rubbish it could find to carry.
Large orange construction signs that read "Derry Public Works" were all over the place, looking almost like hurdles you'd see runners jump over in the olympics. Jon attempted to dodge them and keep up with the boat, and at first he succeeded, but either from the rain or panic, he got a little twisted around and inevitably missed one. He smacked his forehead right on the top and fell down on his back, the hard asphalt hurting him a little as he skidded on the wet ground. When he finally found the strength to get up and bear with the pain, the boat had already sailed far out of his reach, and no matter how fast he ran he would never catch up to it. There was a brief moment where it seemed like he would, where the hope he'd snatch it back up and return home with no further inconvenience wasn't so misplaced, but it was a very brief moment and not meant to last.
"Noo!" Jon cried, watching his hand made toy zoom on by, only a tantalizing few inches out of arms reach. If he lost that boat Tom would surely be pissed off, and he was certain he couldn't just ask for another one. What was he supposed to do, go back home and admit he lost the boat cause he didn't see a giant orange construction sign? Forget Tom thinking he was a baby, he'd look like a total idiot! He had to catch it, but catching this boat was like trying to catch butterflies with your bare hands, infuriatingly impossible.
The stream carrying the boat twisted snd turned down the road, until eventually meeting an abrupt end down a sewer drain on the curb. Jon watched as it disappeared down the drain, right along with all the happiness he had felt watching it float through the stream prior. "Nohohoooo!!" He cried again, dropping to his knees as he missed grabbing the stupid thing by just the skin of his teeth. The sudden drop scraped them badly, and now his knees were stinging so much his eyes were watering, but he was a little to angry with himself to cry from the pain.
"Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!" Jon shouted, banging his fist against the top of the sewer drain, had he not been so sheltered he would have said many and much more extreme curses than just damnit. "Oh noo Tom's gonna kill me..." he groaned, if he could kick himself in the butt he would have. Well that was that, he lost the boat, nothing else left to do but crawl on home with his tail between his legs and shamefully admit to Tom he lost his new toy. Fuck. He was certain he'd be so upset, and he wondered if he could figure out how to make his own paper boat to repay him later. Maybe he coul ev- Jon suddenly jumped back.
He blinked rapidly, not so sure if what he was seeing was really in front of him or perhaps a trick of the eye. From deep within the foul wet darkness of the sewer drain emerged two sparkling grey eyes, as shiny as two brand new silver dollars or an unsheathed sword. They seemed to glow in the darkness like an animal, and for a moment, Jon was deeply worried he might have come across an alligator roaming in the sewer. But that was ridiculous, there was no such thing as alligators in the UK, the climate was far too cold for them to live in the wild, but Jon's child mind couldn't understsnd that. All that mattered was that Jon had been to the zoo and seen them before, and the thought of one escaping into the sewer system terrified him to no end.
If not a gator, then it had to at least be some other large predator animal, sizing him up with malicious and hungry intent. And yet, despite the animalistic nature of these eyes, there seemed to be more beneath them than your average animal, an awareness that could only come from something able to speak, learn, and communicate with humans. Whatever it was, Jon did not want to stick around and find out, but before he could get up and run, a voice called out from the sewer, a voice that belonged to those hungry, silver dollar eyes.
"Hiya Johnny." The voice called, oddly pleasant for a voice coming from a dark drain. Jon paused and looked back down "Who is that?" asked Jon, curious but not quite panicking. The presence of the voice seemed to clear his fear of it being some kind of monster or animal, especially as it was a kind, joyful voice, one you'd probably hear from a cartoon character. But there was still a somewhat off undertone to it, something gruff, shakey, and disjointed, almost as if it was trying with all it's might to keep the voice together but couldn't, like a puzzle where the pieces just never quite fit right. Something that seemed to scream "Not natural" in big flashy neon. He stepped into the light, which didn't help all too much seeing as he was in a sewer on a cloudy day, but it worked well enough. To Jon's surprise, the identity of the individual inside of this drain was neither some monster nor even a deranged hobo. What Jon saw emerge from the shadows, was a humble circus clown, smiling widely like he was about to crack his next joke.
His entire appearance was a mixture of grey's, blacks, and whites, as if some one had plucked him out of an old 1930's advertisement for a traveling circus. At least, Jon thought it was a him, he found it looked more masculine than feminine, but not nearly enough to say for certain one or the other. He- no- IT wore a baggy stormy grey clown costume, with poofy white buttons and a large ebony ruffled collar. At it's neck was a black bowtie, and on it's arms were many grey and darker grey stripes that went horizontally down his arms until coming to an end at it's gloved hands that were very akin to Mickey Mouse. It's face was unsurprisingly painted like all other clowns are, with a large nose, black lips, and gaudy paint around the eyes to accentuate it's expression. The face underneath all that paint looked decently young, but not quite so young he was around Tom's age. He looked to be no older than his father, and even had wrinkles underneath his eyes and smile lines on the corners of his mouth that signified a long and joyous life. The only part of him that was not entirely grey, black, or white, was the things hair, which was brown, a little unkempt, and somewhat curly. The silver eyed clown smiled wide, it's hungry eyes looking much softer and kinder now that Jon could see his smiling face.
"Aren't you gonna stop and say hello?" The thing asked. Jon looked around the street, a little worried some one might see him and wonder who he was talking to, but there wasn't a soul in sight. "I'm not 'sposed to talk to strangers, my daddy and brudder said so." he explained, showing a surprising amount of caution for a six year old. The creature smiled wider and nodded "ah, that's very wise of your daddy and "brudder", Jon, very wise indeed. I suppose it was rather silly of me to not introduce myself to you first, my mistake.".
The clown threw his hands up and wiggled his fingers "I am Bingbong, the dancing clown! But you..." he out stretched his hand for Jon to shake it, "Can call me Bing." he winked. Jon looked at the hand and hesitated before ultimately giving in and shaking it like they were old friends, never once stopping to wonder how this clown knew his name. "Jon meet Bing, Bing meet Jon, now we're not strangers anymore, kee-rect?" It said, and Jon giggled.
"I guess so, but what are you doing down in the sewer? Clowns don't usually lurk down there." He asked. Jon was born a little too late for clowns, his taste in child entertainment skewed towards the likes of Mr. Rogers and Jim Henson, but he'd seen them at carnivals before and was familiar with the general concept. "Storm blew me away! Blew the whole circus away! the elephants, the tents, the rides! Poof!" said It, waving his hands for emphasis.
If Jon was ten years older he would have naturally questioned such an excuse, but to such a young child the image of a clown being picked up by a tornado and gently shoved down a sewer drain was as valid an excuse as it was hilarious. "Oh my goodness!" He exclaimed, giggling. Then It quickly licked it's lips, too quickly for Jon to really notice, but he had licked them and it was quite unsettling. He was salivating over something, something dumb, young, and niave, something prone to fear, something just like Jon.
"It's been such a long time since I've seen a child, since I heard 'em laugh. Used to do it aalll the time down at the circus. You ever been to the circus Jon Jon?" It asked. The nickname brought a smile to Jon's lips, reminding him of when he'd occasionally call his big bro Tom Tom since it usually irked him a little. It was as if the clown was able to peer inside him and pull it out from the back of his mind, but that thought was silly, wasn't it?
Jon enthusiastically nodded "Yeah! Me and Tommy went to it last year!". "Ohohoho how fun, what did you do at the circus?" "We rode rides and played games and ate food an-" "What kind of food did you eat, Johnny? What kind of food?" It interuppted him, a tiny bit of drool dribbling down it's lip. Jon instantly jumped into listing off all he could recall snacking on that day, "Fried doughboys, lemonade, corndogs, cotton candy-" "And Popcorn?" It interjected, raising it's eye brows. "Mhm!" Jon nodded, and now he was salivating too, having not eaten anything in a few hours as not to spoil his supper.
It smiled and clapped it's gloved hands together excitedly "Oh wonderful! Just wonderful! That's my all time favorite!" "Mine too!" Jon cheerfully replied. "Well, well, well, would you look at us, two peas in a pod! It's always nice to make new friends, ain't it? Do you have a lot of friends Johnny? I bet you do.". "Yeah! Three, but my big brudder is my bestest!" he said. "Aw that's nice, and where is your "big brudder" right now?". "At home, sick, he's really sad..." he frown and mumbled, growing a little sad, but It still kept on smiling. "ohhh I bet I could cheer him up, cheering up kids was my specialty back at the circus... tell me, can you smell the circus Jon?".
Jon blinked, a little confused at the question "What?". "The circus, we're all down here. There's tons of games and rides, animals and treats, take a whiff." he said, his voice growing suddenly alluring, as if beckoning him to come below. Hesitantly, Jon did as the clown requested, and to his surprise, he was absolutely right. The sewer smell was slowly shrinking away now, and in it's place was the strong smell of sizzling deep fryers, powedered sugar, smoke from a clown's cannon, and midway sawdust. "Oh-oh my goodness..." he muttered, his confusion at the miraculous new smells bringing It great joy.
"Would you like to join us down here Johnny? Would ya? You can even bring your "brudder" if you want. We have everything you could ever want and more, it's like one big party, we even have-" "Balloons?" Jon innocently asked. "Yes, yes! Balloons! balloons of all sorts! Colors and shapes galore, all waiting for you and your "brudder"!". "Do they float?" he questioned, knowing very well that not all balloons were created equal. "Ohhh yes Jon, they float, they aaalll flooaat." It replied, taking an almost disturbing amount of pleasure in his response, his cheerful voice even faltering a little bit as he could hardly contain himself much longer.
Jon found the offer quite tempting, and clown's presence almost hypnotic, but his more cautious side still had a grip on him. "I don't know mummy's gonna wonder where I went, I better go home. Maybe some other time.". It shook it's head and shrugged, perfectly understanding of Jon's hesitation. "Ah well, Ta-Ta then dear Johnny, but before you go, you mind takin this?" The creature suddenly lifted it's arms, revealing a small paper boat in their hands.
"My boat!" Jon exclaimed, clappong his hands and smiling. "You better take it, or else Tom's gonna kill you, 'member?" Bing said, and suddenly, all the stranger danger knowledge his parents had engrained in Jon seemed to disappear. He slowly outstretched his arm to grab the boat, his sweet childish mind forgetting why he had ever been so concerned about trusting such a friendly clown. This clown was helping him, he was making him laugh, surely, nothing bad could come from someone like that, right?
But something bad would come from it, and Jon would not survive this encounter or ever make it back home. Bing squinted at his trembling hand, still salivating as his hunger reached it's breaking point. "We all float down here, Jon..." it giggled, it's voice slolwy growing more distorted the closer his hand got, but Jon did take it away, he didn't even bat an eye. "and when you're down with me..." it giggled again as Jon's finger tips grazed the end of the boat, solidifying the fact he was now past the point of no return.
"You'll float too!" Suddenly, Bing snatched Jon's arm then whipped his head back as his mouth fell open, far beyond anything a human was capable of doing. Sharp, razor-like teeth sprouted from it's gaping maw, as what was once a friendly and amicable face turned into Jon's absolute worst nightmare. Something much worse than anything he had previously imagined living down in the cellar, something even worse than anything Tom or his parents could conjure up. The creature leaned it's head back farther as more teeth grew and the layers of it's skin peeled back to make way for them.
He lunged for the arm, "biting" down on it like how a leech attaches itself and sucks onto your leg. He jerked back, over and over again while poor Jon, who had been so trusting of this creature only a moment prior, screamed in horrible writhing agony from the hook like teeth digging into his flesh. He clenched his eyes shut as terrified and painful tears welled in his eyes, only to be lost in the cavalcade of rushing rain water that was splashing against his face and causing his screams to sound gargled.
The creature jerked back once more, it's sharp and jagged teeth pulling on the six year olds arm in such a way it ripped off all together, with a horrible fleshy tearing noise that sounded like squashing ground beef and bits of bone together. Then, just as soon as it had started it's feast, the creature slinked back at the speed of light away from the boy, leaving Jon to die alone of shock just a few seconds after the rip and break.
The screams had stopped now, and more importantly, the clown-or whatever that was- was gone now. Jon Denbrough sat there for a full 30 minutes after wards, slumped over by the sewer drain, eyes blood shot and stuck wide open in horror as the rain pattered on and trickled down his cold dead face. The unlucky bastard to find his corpse was Officer Larry Gardener, just now arriving home from a incredibly tumultuous shift off work at the local Derry police station. He got out of his police car, fully intent on going home and drinking 'til he fell asleep, but the sight of the light blue rain coat out of the corner of his eye caught his attention, and he just had to investigate.
He initially approched Jon under the belief he had slipped and fallen, or perhaps passed out from dehydration or cold, but had to stop and scream in horror when he flipped him over and realized the severity of the situation. Jon's right arm was entirely gone now, currently being devoured by whatever awful thing he had been talking to was. There was just a stump now, a bloody, badly torn stump with a blindingly white bit of broken bone sticking out. Pieces of shredded rain coat slid off the massive wound, barreling down into the stream of rain water, the very same stream which carried the boat that had guided him to his demise thirty minutes ago. They went down the sewer drain, along with a steady stream of blood that had also been swept away by the water.
Officer Larry was terrified, but not as terrified as he probably should have been given the circumstance, but unfortunately, Jon was not an outlier. He'd been exposed to many child murders as of late, and the manner of which all these children would be found was all too similar to the bloody six year old in his arms. He had to have been the fourth child he'd seen in this state since fall had started, bloody, bruised, missing limbs, and seemingly bitten by some ravenous large animal.
The police had been around to every animal expert they could find, and no animal on record matched the teeth and scratch marks left by the killer, not even a shark with legs and arms could do such a thing. And that wasn't even getting into the countless missing persons going around, which were getting do numerous the names were starting to blend together, and yet, bizzarely, nobody really cared.
The parents cared, and the police were actuallt trying to do their jobs for once, but nobody in town really batted an eye to it. Once over the inital shock of it, they'd always just move along until the next child died for them to gawk at. And gawk they did, as a crowd begun to form around Larry as he coddled the poor boy and stood up with him laying in his arms. He paid them no mind though and pushed through the crowd to the Denbrough residence. He was utterly determined to get him back home, but was dreading the inevitable reaction from his horrified family. It had to be him though, if it wasn't him then surely some one else would have to do it, and Larry wouldn't wish such a tough job on anybody. He'd sooner hit his own mother with a car than let anyone else hand this child's corpse to his grieving parents.
When he rung the door bell his mother's piano playing came to a janky stop, the loud clacking of her heels hinting at her aggitation with yet another interruption. When she opened the door and witnessed what had happened to her son though, her agitated demeanor shifted entirely, and Sharon Denbrough, former mother of two, completely snapped. She screamed and screamed until her vocal cords were totally fried, and when her husband came running in to check on her, he starting screaming too.
Tom had been napping when Larry showed up, jumping up and out of bed when he heard ths sudden commotion coming from his parents. He hadn't heard his mother or father cry like that since the day he got hit by that car, and that could only mean one thing. "Something was wrong with Jon." His panicked mind thought "Something really really wrong.".
He tried to lie and reassure himself it must have been something else, maybe a broken family heirloom or, heck, maybe even a comet crashing through the house, but as he raced down stairs and their screams became clearer, the unfortunate truth became much more undeniable. Officer Larry was standing off to the side in their living room, stoicly looking out the window as he couldn't bare to leave but did not wish to look at the grieving couple.
His mother and father were both sobbing, pressed against each other with Jon inbetween them. Blood and muddy water were all over their clothes now, staining his mother's polkadot blue dress and his father's favorite Hawaiian shirt, but neither could care about that right now. Their baby was dead and everything else in the world was secondary, even their older, still living son standing beside them.
They held each other as they sobbed incoherently, shaking violently like they were both having trauma induced seizures. Tom couldn't bring himself to say anything, how could he? it was all too horrific and awful to process. Everything just felt like a slurry of awful emotions being spun in a washing machine, like being in a car in a car wash when the soaps splattered on. Neither of his parents looked at him or even noticed he came down stairs, which Tom was actually kind of thankful for. He wasn't so sure if he could handle eye contact right now, he could barely handle standing, in fact, he felt like he might faint.
He and Larry just exchanged knowing glares with each other as they watched Mr. And Mrs. Denbrough cry in pitiable dispair, horrified, sympathetic, but ultimately unsure of what to do. All Tom could manage was to stand by and watch along with a broken ad heavy heart while his parents clutched onto his little brothers corpse. The Denbrough family practically fell apart that day, and would cease to be a family from that day forward, but they were just another victim in a sea of innocent individuals completely ruined by IT.
By the time Jon was brought home the paper boat was still floating, and it continued to float on and on even after that. Bouncing, bobbing, waving happily off into a faraway place down in the sewer sytsem where it would stay and wouldn't emerge for another twenty seven years, waiting patiently for the fateful day when it's creator, Tom Denbrough, would finally come down and see it again.

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Squad Up - How I accidentally became an alien war hero
“What?”
“What!”
Kious and I said simultaneously, his voice louder than mine, clearly showing that he was not aware of his captain's plan. The rest of the crew's expressions also showed that they had not been privy to it.
What was his plan?
Oh, right. Recruit a scrawny kid to fight an intergalactic war alongside big furry aliens against mindless bugs that threaten the very universe. It's no biggie. It qualifies as a small summer job at most.
Fucking not!
Me? A soldier, albeit a virtual one. No, I wasnt cut out for war or any kind of fighting for that matter, well, real fighting. To be honest, I was pretty good in the competitive gaming scene. Basically, all of my free time since middle school had been dedicated to games and improving in them. In most competitive VR fps, I was highly ranked, not the top, but near it.
Many of the people I know today I met through my skills in games. Most of my closest friends, including my sister, were all adept at competitive games, all having slightly different skill sets, with me, in particular, being good at movement shooters. We had a solid squad that always played together on the weekends, but as we grew out of it as we got older, and by the time college hit, we all drifted away from games. It was never a viable career path for me to consider. I needed a more surefire future, so much for that now.
“You want me?” I asked, perplexed. The captain gave me a slightly confused look,
“With the skill you just showed, you could be an entire unit's worth of men as a single mech.” I thought about it for a second; that performance was around what I was used to seeing in higher-level players, but these guys had no frame of reference for any of it.
“Is this the first time you have seen a human play a VR game? Well, I guess not a game, but it is close enough to what we have on earth right now, except way more sophisticated.”
“Yes, this is the first time. The purpose of this exchange was to learn things just like this.”
Oh yeah, they really are learning everything about humans for the first time, duh.
“So you think I would be a valuable asset in assisting in your war, so much so that I could be my own unit?” If this is going where I think it's going, earth might have a big problem ahead. If the galaxy new of our fighting potential, we could be targeted by opposing parties that want to get us out of the war before we can even get in.
“Yes, we would be ecstatic to hire you into our military unit, Bee.” Lucious took my hand in his paw and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
“Captain, I do have to inform you of something before we continue.” I looked around at the others in the room with a deeply serious expression. Rosi and Zedd straightened out while Lucious looked worried. Radi and Kious stayed stone-faced and unmoving.
“Yes?” The captain inquired
“Well, to put it bluntly, a lot of humans are about as skilled as me in ‘battle’ or, in our case, VR games. Personally, I am in the top one percent of skill in these games, but that one percent still holds millions of people.” The captain's eyes went wide at this realization while the other's mouth hung slightly agape. Radi, however, had a thoughtful look on his face. We stood there in silence for a moment as they took in the gravity of what I was saying.
“We need to keep this between us,” Radi’s voice broke through the stunned silence. “If word got out of the human's proficiency in a war of this type, we could have a serious problem.”
The captain took a deep breath and nodded, “If the Sheddri were to get word of this, they would attack Earth in full force, no doubt. The power that you say these humans hold en mass would be feared by all, driving the other united species to cut Earth out of the galactic system. If humans were to be left alone and rise to our technological level, they could take all of us over easily.”
The weight of that realization was heavy in the air, and everyone lapsed into silence as they considered the next course of action.
“I don't think it's feasible to arm every able human with these mechs either,” Radi addressed the captain, “If we started to prepare them for battle, even if it was just an exchange of technology, the information would no doubt find a way out before they are prepared, and the Sheddri would launch all their forces at once. Even if the cost were great, they would recognize the risk of letting the humans prepare. Even if we had all the alliance members help defend, which is wholly implausible for many reasons, including many that would end up siding with the Sheddri in fear of humans taking them over. They would become united under a common enemy. We wouldn't be able to protect them. We must keep this a secret from as many people as we can.”
I looked around the room as the atmosphere became much darker. The realization that this really could change the universe, and quickly at that, had set in for all of us. I squirmed in my seat, uncomfortable at the connotations being brought to light. Was I going to be silenced or imprisoned? Would they take my word that I wouldn't talk? Would they kill me? My face grew darker as I mulled it over.
The captain, as if sensing my thoughts, looked at me, “Bee, I promise we will protect you and all the humans the best we can, but we need to be extremely careful from now on. I would still like to hire you, more so now, with the new information, and create a plan of action that is the best for all of us.”
I nodded, a weight lifting off of me. Still, one question weighed on my mind: “Can you even hire me? I mean, I have friends on earth and school to go to, and though I wouldn't mind getting out of that. Still, is it even legal?” The captain's mouth quirked up into a knowing smirk.
“Well, as of yesterday, the legal forms and final discussions just went through. With the success of the cultural exchange program, we have been given the green light to take on humans in a long-term manner. This includes being able to hire humans to Orani ships to work.” His face shifted to a stone-faced seriousness. “The real question is, are you okay with leaving your obligations and connections on Earth behind?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. Would I be okay with it? I mean, this is basically a dream come true for me, a way to use my skills that had been an afterthought throughout my life, albeit in a more gruesome way. My friends came to mind. I haven't talked to many in a long time. To be honest, I don't think anyone would care if I was gone—well, apart from my sister.
“I know this is a massive decision. Take your time with it. In the meantime, we should come up with a plan for how to proceed in this war now.” The captain turned to Radi, but before he could start speaking again, I interrupted.
“I want to…” I looked down at my hands, trying to think what to say,
“But?” Rosi inquired
“But, I don't think I can just leave. Well, I can. I'm not super worried about that. To be honest, earth hasn't been kind to me. But leaving my sister and friends is what's holding me back. A job like this is a dream for me. A way I can use a skill I thought useless in real life up until now and actually do good with it is a tantalizing idea. The weight of it is a little daunting, but I like you guys and want to help.”
“Ooh! Ooh! Captain, I have an idea,” Rosi shot forward, planting both paws on the desk, making the metal table quake from the force. “If it can work it solves all our problems, keeping a low profile, turning the tides of the war, and Bee keeping his connections.”
We all looked at her expectantly. This seemingly fix-all idea she had cooked up couldn't possibly work, could it?
“I'm listening,” the captain said, turning to face Rosi in his chair and lacing his paws together on his stomach.
“Okay, so basically, we hire all of Bees' friends and his sister–if they are okay with it–create secret divisions comprised of humans and Orani or just a wholly human unit, ask some bigshots, and work your high-status rank to sway the higher-ups into keeping on the down low. Train up these humans, and bam! War is won. No one is the wiser.”
Radi opened his mouth to argue, then closed it and hummed in agreement. “You know that could actually work.” He conceded.
The captain nodded along, now deep in thought. My own eyes were wide in disbelief. All of my friends and sister, if they agree, all on a spaceship together fighting bugs in an interstellar war? Honestly, this is all of our dreams come true, too good to be true.
After a moment of silence, I added, “You know, I think most of em would actually agree to this.”
“Haha! See, told ya! Have I got the best plans or what?” Rosi’s booming voice bounced around the small room as she fist-bumped the air in victory.
“Okay.” The captain took a deep breath. Let me get all of the logistics together, make some calls, and pull some favors. I have a high enough standing with the council that I could convince them. If I showed them the video of today's mission, I'm sure they would take it seriously. Radi, get in contact with the Ministry of Defense. Use this number.” Luicos took out his holo pad and sent Radi a string of numbers, “It's a personal line to the head of the ministry. Old friend.” he explained.
Radi grabbed his holo pad and checked that he had received the message. He then stood up, saluting, “On it, Cap.” Then, in seconds, he rushed out the door and down the hall.
“Wait, wait, wait, slow down,” pleaded, “We don't know if any of my friends would even want to do this, though the odds are in our favor. What if none of them show up? Shouldn't we wait until I can hear from them about what their decisions are?”
“As Captian, I am willing to take that risk. Time is of the essence, and the sooner I can get the political gears turning, the better. I have confidence in the estimates of your friend's interests. Even if they don't come, we would still have you.” He gave me a measuring gaze, waiting for my response.
Was I really going to do this? Just leave Earth, the only place I've ever known, to go into the stars with aliens we had just met, to fight an intergalactic war that I had just learned of? I looked the captain in the eyes, staring into the inky black pools that pierced through me.
“Scheißdreck. Let's do it.”
***
Dream Team + Vera Group Chat :
(Me): Hey yalls long time no talk
(Me): I got some news yalls r gonna wanna hear
(Me): sry if this mssg is overriding yalls systems, space cat technology lol
(Me): Its super important so they made me use the fancy mssg system to make sure yalls got it
(Sali): Bro it literally came up on my TV how the hell did you do that
(Sali): But U know im here for anythin
(Me): LMAO sry didnt know itd do that
(Sali): All g whats up
(Me): lets wait for every one
(Sali): Kk
(Gene): Wow its been a hot minute, what u planin Bee?
(Sali): its only been like two years
(Tobi): Im here
(Gene): two years is long sali ur just an cranky old woman so time goes by slower
(Sali): love you too gene (watch your back)
(Gene): <3
(Vera): what do you need младший брат? Do you need another player for GGO?
(Sali): VERA! Its been too long!
(Vera): Good talking to you Sali, I would very much like to catch up
(Sali): Fs fs, after Bee’s super secret space cat plan is revealed
(Sali): Seriously u got way to lucky to get to go up there
(Me): Dont worry yalls might get ur chance ;)
(Sali): WAIT SERIOUSLY?
(Gene:) YOOOO SPACE TIME???
(Vera): I would like to see you Bee if I can, I will come if available
(Tobi): Uhm, Bee, whats this about?
(Me): Sali get Johns ass in here so I can explain
(Sali): Alerady on it
(John): WHAT DO YOU WANT HOLY SHIT SALI MY INBOX IS STILL GETTING MESSAGES
(Sali): shoulda gotten here quicker lol
(John): fuck you
(Sali): <3
(Gene): Ok whats this about Bee, ur killin me here
(Me): ok ok
(Me): So when up here for the exchange program I kinda of snuck into one of their state of the art gaming setups, its like the newest model of ACG VR but wayyyyy better
(Me): dont say anything till i finish all this btw
(Gene): alr
(Me): …
(Gene): mb
(Me): Ok so, im under a contract and i cant really say details until yalls are on board the ship
(Me): IF yalls r down for it
(Me): so basically they want to study how humans play games n stuff, apparently I fuckin crushed their baseline for what is good in their eyes, like fuckin astorimnically better comapred to them
(Me): It was kinda sad ngl
(Me): SO they invited alls yalls to come up to their ship for an interview where they can give the details n stuff, They want to run some expriemnts and maybe even hire for full time jobs if it goes well, ik this is super sudden but they want to do this asap and they told me i get first dibs on ppl to ask
(Sali): how tf did u manage this
(Gene): Im in
(Sali): that was quick
(Sali): u still got nothin to do?
(Gene): its fukin space cats, video games, AND maybe a carrer path? how could i say no. and no i got nothin to do
(Tobi): I dont know, those space ships look scary
(Gene): Com’on Tobes its SPACE, once in a life time chance here!
(Sali): Lemme check on some stuff, u caught me at a good time 4 this tho tbh im takin a year break from all the bs of my job
(Tobi): But I cant just drop all my things and go to space
(Gene): Tobi. Ik for a fact that u got nothin goin on
(Me): the interview will only take 2 days, yalls can be back home at the end of the second day, so u can get all the info when up here then go back if u cant or dont want to do it
(Tobi): Its still scary…
(Vera): Bee I will go. I would very much like to see you
(Vera): Tobi, you live near me da? I can go with you if you are scared
(Me): cant wait sis, exitcted to see u <3
(Tobi): really? That would be awesome Vera, I do want to do this but im super nervous about the whole leaving earth thing
(Vera): da it is no problem
(Me): U got this tobes! Vera wont let anythin happen to u
(Tobi): Thank you Vera, ill pm you details then
(Tobi): Actually Bee what are the details?
(Me): dang yalls were even quicker to say yes than i thought
(John): I should be good for two days at least if its soon
(Me): can yalls be ready in two days?
(John): well shit that is soon lol, im free
(Vera): Da
(Gene): Ye
(Tobi): Okay, Vera ill pm you
(Sali): okay im back n read everythin im good for two days from now
(Me): Alr lets do this
(Me): Heres the info :
\***
Holy shit, this was actually happening. I'm standing in front of the airlock, waiting for my best friends to board a spaceship to maybe fight an alien war. Well, they don't know that part yet, and to be honest, I don't know how they are gonna take it. Gene will be fine. He's probably more hyped for this than I am. Sali will be okay, too. Vera and John are the wildcards. Tobi is the one I'm most hesitant about. I know he is not good with new places, and this might be way too much for him. Well, I guess we'll see.
The Oranis have made a welcome party for them. Everyone from the ‘interrogation room’ is here, waiting behind me, ready to meet them and give a tour. “The first of the shuttles is arriving in thirty seconds,” Radi announced
I took a deep, calming breath. I was extremely nervous. I hadn't seen everyone in so long, and to be meeting back up in an alien spaceship was surreal. I just hope they take the news well. I'd really like some familiar faces throughout whatever came next.
The boarding room was just a part of the main body of the ship; the room, about half the size of a football field and two stories high, was filled with equipment, storage, ships, tech, and anything and everything they could want or need. It was daunting, the sleet gray walls and rafters, the area bustling with countless Oranis all towering over me.
Still, this was nothing compared to the interview I had to sit through with the head of the Orani Ministry of Defense (OMD), an old battle-scarred warrior who had seen his fair share of battles, from the face-to-face battles with real blood to the battles now with oil spilled for blood. His fur was a light gray, dotted with white showing his age. Even through the holo screen, his piercing gaze had torn into me.
Transmission Log_01:
(OMD): So Lucious, this is the one that will save the galaxy?
(Lucious): Yes Alfrit, this here is Bee, the one piloting the ROMS unit in the video we sent you.
(Bee): Uh, y-yes, sir, that was me.
(OMD): Well, certainly impressive. How much military training did you say he had, Lucious?
(Lucious): Zero Sir.
(OMD): Zero?
(Bee): Y-yes, sir.
(OMD): Well then, how did he outperform all of our most highly trained men if he had no military training?
(Lucious): Not only that sir, this was his first time using our technology to pilot the ROMS.
(OMD): Where the hell did you find him, Lucious?
(Lucious): Haha! Well, he actually found us in a way. He snuck in, took over a system, and did what no one had done yet: win against the Sheddri.
(OMD): Yes, he did do that.
(Lucious): So, have you thought about my proposal?
(OMD): Yes, I have. The video was more than compelling enough for me, and knowing you, you wouldn't ask for any favors without good reasoning behind it. However, some of the others aren't as convinced as I am. This could break some big industries and cause alot of unwanted attention and harm if it got out.
(OMD): Long story short, Lucious, we need results, definite ones. The only way to do that is through actions. The best actions are the ones we see with our own eyes.
(Lucious): So you are saying a demonstration is in order?
(OMD): Yes, I think that's fair, don't you?
(Lucious): Quite. What do you have in mind?
(OMD): We have been using new training methods that haven't been released yet, a better way to harness Oranis to fight using the ROMS, I want a battle to see who is better. To see who we should fund and support.
(Bee): Like, PvP–er–person vs person comabt?
(OMD): Yes you could say that, a squad of your people versus a squad of mine. We will see if your skills are the real deal after all. To be honest, I don't have faith in my men. After seeing that footage, I don't doubt you will win. Still, these other geezers need a good kick in the face to believe anything. So, Bee, do you think you and your crew can do that?
(Bee): Without a doubt, we will wipe the floor with them…Sir
(OMD): Haha! I like your confidence! Well, in a week's time, why don't we have a friendly spar between comrades to hone our skills, eh?
(OMD): See you then, good luck.
End of Log_01
So that's how it ended up being a 6v6 PvP match: some random humans against the best-trained Oranis in ROMS combat. By the time we got everyone’s okay’s to come up, we would only have three days to prepare—well, more like two. After they all arrive, there are a lot of formalities before they can roam freely. Even with higher-level clearance, there is a lot to be done when you first enter space.
To be honest, I wasnt worried. I've known my friends for years, and I am positive they'll take to it quickly. I'm more worried that they won't want to do what comes after proving ourselves. Well, time will tell.
The captain is keeping the five of them in the dark about the true intentions of this trip until after the mock battle is over. No need to worry them about it before we even know if they'll be a part of the mission. So here we are, just getting my old party back together to play some high-stakes games once again. Oddly nostalgic, even with the extreme jump in technology comparatively to what we are used to.
While I was ruminating, the shuttle had finished the docking sequence, and the first of them arrived. The doors hissed open a contingent of Oranis that manned the shuttle came out and addressed the workers, behind them, a small woman with darker-toned skin emerged with a radiant smile on her face. Her brunette hair was tied in a half-up rope braid that let her long hair flow without it obscuring her face.
“Bee!” Sami yelled while dashing over to me. She wore an oversized, well-worn queen t-shirt with tight-fitting blue jeans. With a bone-crushing hug, she lifted my 5’8” ass off the ground, her 5’5” ass somehow strong enough to do so easily.
“Uy! Kamusta! So good to see you again!” She set me down on the floor and stepped back to look me over. She has always been a bit overbearing and eager, but I was extremely happy to see her again.
“Hallo, I'm doing good. It is so good to see you again, even if it is in strange circumstances.” I gestured to the imposing Orani entourage I had behind me. “How was the trip up?”
“Diyos ko, it was amazing!” She exuberantly told me all about her escapades on the way up, including trying to get one of the Oranis to let her pet them. I suspect shell get her wish one way or another soon.
Before I could introduce her to the captain another shuttle arrived, this one containing two of my favorite people ever. Vera and Tobi, It was a jarring sight to see them next to one another. Tobi, a caucasian man with a wiry thin form, around my height but I swear he was half my weight. He had on a simple blue button-up shirt and black slacks. He meekly hid behind the towering frame of Vera. She is my big sis, and I mean that literally, in age and height. A towering Russian woman with a Viking-style haircut, the sides shaved short, and a high ponytail braid that ran to her shoulders. It was easy for Tobi to hide behind her 6’8” frame, rivaling the Oranis in her imposing stature. She was well endowed and had rippling muscles that threatened to break through her thick leather jacket and dark blue tank top underneath. Her legs were no less intimidating. They were treetrunks, though I would never say that to her. The black jeans ripped at the knees, and ankle-high leather boots finished off her intimidating outfit.
I swear I could feel one of the Orani soldiers tense behind me when she stepped into view. Before she could even step onto the ship, I ran up to her. The intimidating scowl that she always wore washed away when she spotted me, replaced by a loving smile.
“Bratishka!” Vera’s loud voice bellowed through the room, her arms catching me in the air as I jumped into them. A crushing bear hug met me as I collided with her. The air in my body squeezed out just like it always did when I hugged her. It gave me a nostalgic feeling, a warm reminder of when we were kids.
“Sis,” the words coming out strained as I tried to get air in
“Izvini, I am just happy to see you.
“You too, you look good. How's the shop going? Are you going to be okay away from it?”
“Da, it is fine. Kim has it covered. Very hard worker, that one.”
“Im glad, means I get to see you.” I gave her one last squeeze and pulled away. Looking past her I saw Tobi glancing around warily and moved to give him a hug, too.
“How was the trip Tobes?” I asked after hugging him
“Uh, it was okay,” his voice wavered, “It was intimidating getting on, but Vera was there, so I was okay.”
“Thank you for coming. I know this is way outside your comfort zone.”
“Well, to be honest, I want to try and do things I normally wouldn't do, and having you all here with me helps a lot. So I'm giving it a shot,” he said with a nod, his voice becoming more confident as he spoke. I gave him a side hug and maneuvered him over to our little group.
“We might as well wait until the last two get here to do introductions,” I addressed the group as we walked up and got nods of agreement but I could see on Rosi’s face she had a question. Ten bucks, it’s about my sis.
“So that's your sister?” Rosi inquired.
Knew it.
Vera looked at me with an amused look. We had gotten this question countless times before, “Yeah, she is,” I explained to the Orani group. “No, she's not my biological sister, but my sister nonetheless. My parents died when I was young, and I got sent off to an orphanage. Vera and I arrived at the same time. I was around six at the time, and she was 16. I was an emotional mess, as you can guess when I got there. I didn't really understand what was happening at that age, ya know?” As always, I got some pitying looks, I really don't remember my parents or anything around that time, so I'm not too sad about it. “It's all in the past, and I'm totally fine, well, because of Vera. She took care of me as her little brother, and she's always been there for me. I wouldn't trade her for the world; we became inseparable once we got to the orphanage, and she was the one who introduced me to gaming. When she turned eighteen, she had gotten enough money saved up from working mechanic jobs to get me out of the orphanage and officially adopt me. She worked her ass off and got a free ride to college, and I worked where I could, but she refused to let me as much as she could. She got a degree in mechanical engineering and got a kick-ass job that could support both of us. She got me into college, and now I'm here. It's been a while since I've seen her because I started college, and she was opening her new shop, so it's awesome seeing her again. I love her more than words can describe.” I looked over fondly to Vera, I don't know where I would be without her. She saved my life in a way.
“I love you too, Bee.” She smiled motherly and hugged me from the side.
The Orani group looked at both of us with a sort of shocked awe. Rosi stepped forward and put both paws on Veras’ shoulders. “You both should have never gone through that, im glad that you persevered and came out on the other end better. I cant believe your society would just abandon you both like that. You had no support while in the orphanage?” She seemed angry at this realization.
“No, we didn't,” I said. It's just how it works here. The orphanage can only take so many kids, and there's not enough money to go around. We had to make our own ends meet and grow up at the same time. Unfortunately, it happens a lot.”
Vera looked taken aback at Rosi’s anger at our situation. I was better than anyone at reading my sister, and her cold, stony gazes gave little away but I could tell she was a little embarrassed at Rosi’s words.
“Ah, thank you…” Vera indicted at Rosi, probing for her name
“Rosi.”
“Thank you, Rosi. I am grateful for your anger on our behalf. We both got dealt bad cards but made the most out of them. For Bee, I would do it all over again.” She gave Rosi a sincere smile, and Rosi took her paws off her shoulders but stayed a bit closer to Vera than normal. It was probably strange for Vera not to be the tallest one in the crowd. She always towered over others and looked highly intimidating. I know its probably a breath of fresh air for her after people avoided her all her life because of her stature.
A cough broke the silence, and we all turned around to look at the source.
“Gage!” I said, surprised. We must not have heard him come in. I guess my story was more captivating than I thought. Gage stood there with a broad smile on his face, his curly brown hair all over the place. He was around six feet tall and wore a dark red sweater and black sweatpants; his skin was a shade darker than mine. His family, being from Mexico, got their disposition and stature from them.
“Los amigos! What am I, chopped liver over here? How hurtful.” His shit-eating grin showed he wasnt actually mad. “Good to see you, mejor amigo.” He gave me a hardy slap on the shoulder when he reached me, then pulled me in for a good hug.
“Ja, ja, I love you too.” I laughed and gave him a light punch on the shoulder. He looked around at the group.
“John's not here yet? Of course, he's the last one here again. Why am I not surprised?” He said the last part under his breath, but we all heard him. My little group all chuckled in a knowing fashion, while the Oranis looked curious but didn't pry.
We waited a few more minutes, and an awkward silence rose as we waited for our last member to start the introductions. The doors opened behind us once again. John walked out a bit disheveled, his hair once a clean fade now jostled at the edges. He wore a loose-fitting Metallica shirt and black jeans, his dark skin glistening with a small sheen of sweat as if he had run to get to the shuttle.
“Sorry, I'm late!” He shouted as he stepped through the doors to meet us, “slept in a bit” he gave a meek smile.
“Really? It's 9 pm. And for this? How did you sleep in? This is one of those times where you get there extra early just in case.” I scolded him, and he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.
“It is quite alright.” Lucious’s voice cut through the air, “We are in no rush today. We will get you all settled in, and our meetings will commence tomorrow, so there is no need to fret.” His voice was calm but authoritative.
“Oh good,” John said, relieved.
“Why don't we start the introductions?” I said, bringing everyone's attention to me.
The next couple of minutes were spent meeting each other as the Oranis introduced themselves to my friends. Tobi stood close to Vera the whole time but seemed less nervous by the end of it. Zedd stuck close by me, seemingly standing guard for what I didn't know. Everything went smoothly, and we were told where our rooms would be. We had a hall for our little posse, and our luggage was taken from us and brought to the rooms while we where given a little tour and introduction like I got when I first arrived. A basic explanation of where everything could be found, mess hall, bathrooms, entertainment rooms, restricted areas, viewing platforms, sleeping quarters, and more. The tour lasted around two hours, and by the end, we were beat.
The Oranis were fairly quiet throughout, but Rosi always seemed to be right next to Vera whenever I looked over. Zedd was my second shadow throughout the whole thing, and his presence was actually comforting, like a big fluffy wall. I wondered why he had singled me out as one that needed closer protection, but I could sense that he might be a bit uncomfortable himself around these new humans, and maybe he was using me as a place of peace among us. Kinda cute that the big, burly alien had some social anxiety. Don't we all, big guy? It was endearing and made me like him even more.
“Ah chinga, this place is massive. I mean, I knew it was a big spaceship n’ all, but still.” Gene’s voice had a childlike awe that Sali and Tobi reciprocated.
“I'm glad you like it; depending on how tomorrow goes, you all could be given a chance to live here for a while.” The captain spoke over his shoulder as we marched to our rooms.
“Bee wasnt joking about that then,” Sali murmured.
“Why would I? I know this could be a dream come true for y'all. I would never lead you on like that.” my tone was somewhat bitter at the accusation.
“You know, I didn't mean it like that. It was just a ‘too good to be true’ kinda thing.”
“Yeah, I get that, it's fine.” I conceded, “I'm just happy that I will get to experience it with you all. I know how capable each one of you is, and I am certain you will pass their test tomorrow.”
“Wait, test? What test?” John said nervously
“Ah, well I guess this would be a good time to explain to all of you then. We should go somewhere private. Let's use one of the empty quarters here,” Luciois said while motioning to a door at the end of the hall.
“Oh god, I'm shit at tests. Bee, why didn't you warn me!” John Wisper yelled the last part toward me.
“I promise you all will ace it. Its less of a test and more a show of skill, and I know you all have the skills for it from what I've seen.” I reassured my group as we entered the room.
After everyone had filled in, Radi shut the door and stood guard by it. My friends made a semicircle around the captain, with Vera, Kious, and Zedd to the sides of us. The captain cleared his throat and began explaining.
“Tomorrow, you all will be using our state-of-the-art Remote Operated Mechanical Suits, or ROMS systems, to fight against a battalion of Orani defense soldiers as a learning exersice on human ‘games.’ I have been told that they are extremely similar by Bee.. We will start bright and early tomorrow and give you all the basics of how to work the units. Then, you will each have a one-on-one dual against an Orani soldier. Depending on the outcome of all your matches combined, we will have a proposal for you all to consider. There is no use worrying, though, as from what I've seen and heard from Bee, I trust this will be easy for you all.” The captain's mouth curled up into an evil grin. “I'm excited to see the look on Alfrits face tomorrow.”
The captain was putting alot of trust in my one-time performance and the recommendations of my friends. It was kind of daunting, to be honest. He trusted my skills after only one performance, but I suspected he wasnt one second guess himself. I looked at my friends and saw a multitude of reactions. Vera and Gene were unfazed and Sali and John looked curious, while Tobi looked a bit scared.
Tobi slowly raised his hand. “Uhm, sir, you said they were remote, and Bee told us it was similar to a VR game we have back on Earth. Are we piloting real suits, or is it all digital?”
“The ROMS units are all real. They are stationed on many planets throughout our sector and beyond. They are the main fighting force of many militaries and are very versatile. The main draw is that they are remote, so in battle, we don't lose any lives, just resources.”
“So we are fighting against real soldiers?” Gene interjected
“Yes, they are some of the best we have.” the captain replied
“What is the reason for this?” Vera asked, breaking out of her stoic silence.
The captain sighed and leaned forward onto his elbows, “I promise you will get your answers to that, but we need to know if you all are to be trusted with this information. So I ask for you to trust me as captain of this ship.” he looked to each of us with a measuring look waiting for our response.
“I promise you all it will be worth it, even if it is just to use the ROMS once. It's a crazy cool experience, and I know you all are going to want more of it after.” I turned to look at my friends. “I'm already in it for the long run. I promised the captain that either way. I would love it if you all could join me, but I understand if this is too much too soon. But at least give tomorrow a chance and then see how you feel after.”
“I was in since you said spaceship in the texts, im not backing out now.” Gene laid back in his chair his voice even and sincere.
“I'm in, too. This seems like fun, especially since we got our group back together for it.” John added.
“Fuck it. I got nothin' better to do while I'm on leave.” Sali sighed but a devilish grin showed me she was as excited for this as I was.
“I will do it too, Bee. I would like to watch over you while you are here, and before you say anything, I also want you to do this for me. I am interested in their technology and would like to study it some if I can.” Vera looked at me with a stern glare, she guessed that I would have told her not to do it if it was just to look after me.
“I'll do it, too. With everyone here, I think I'll be okay.” Tobi added, his voice stronger than I thought it would be.
Gene stood up and slapped a hand to Tobi’s back, “Attaboy Tobes! I'm glad you're here with us.” He gave Tobi a wide grin.
I let out a breath, relieved that they at least agreed to go tomorrow. I'm not sure how they will take the whole war savior effort, but I can only hope that the giant mechs are enticing enough.
We all gave our okays and got divided up into our rooms, saying quick goodbyes as we prepared to go to sleep. It was a long day, and we all needed the rest for tomorrow. I stayed up staring at the sleek gray silence, thinking to myself how the hell it got to this. I wasnt complaining by any means. In fact, I was ecstatic. Getting all of my old friends back together and playing like we used to was a pipe dream before this, but now it was happening. With a lot higher stakes involved but it was happening nonetheless. With nervous energy about what tomorrow brought, I drifted off to sleep, excited about the prospects of our future.
OP: Sorry this one took so long to get out mid terms are kicking my ass ;_;, this chapter was character focused again and we met new ones, so it was kinda expostion-y only but needed info. Next time there will be cool mech 1v1s so don't worry >:) next time on total drama island

I'm looking for feedback on the unedited novella prequel to my published novel, Love on the D-List, which reviewers describe as, "Emotional and laugh-out-loud funny." I haven't written the official blurb yet, but here's a mockup of one:
Sixteen-year-old Theo Young plans to spend his summer in the city playing guitar and convincing his secret crush—another boy—to kiss him. But Theo’s father, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, drags Theo to a redneck campground in Vermont to hangout with an old buddy and his teenage son, Brady. Though Theo and Brady were inseparable for the first four years of their lives, like twins, after Theo’s family moved away, Brady became the gold standard Theo couldn’t measure up to, the perfect son who was not only athletic and popular with girls, but smart, too. Will these two boys find the close bond they shared as young children or will they continue to resent each other?
Here is an excerpt of the first three chapters:
Chapter 1
I cuffed the bottom of my jeans and slid on Uncle James’s old Adidas jacket. It was spectacularly hideous, a prototype that had never made it to production. The body was made of light brown corduroy, and the sleeves were cobalt blue with red stripes down the sides.
I didn’t wear it very often, not wanting to overexpose its garish brilliance. But tonight was a special occasion. Tonight, I was going to Austin Cavanaugh’s party. He’d invited me himself.
There were only a handful of openly gay kids in my school, and none as hot as Austin, who was not only hot, but also class president and captain of the soccer team. We weren’t friends, exactly. But we weren’t strangers, either. We just ran in different circles.
Austin was a jock and a nerd, and all his friends were rich and connected, like Raj Reddy, who spent his summers at his grandparents’ villa in the south of France. I, meanwhile, slummed it with the other lowlifes whose parents couldn’t afford to buy them BMW’s and designer handbags. The only reason I got to attend Worldview Academy was because my uncle dog-sat for a woman on the board of directors.
But things were looking up for me. Austin had recently broken up with Chad Hollister, the second hottest guy in school, and I’d recently gotten my braces off. My star was on the rise, and tonight was going to be epic. I’m talking, like, first kiss and first boyfriend epic.
“Theo, come here,” Dad called from the living room, his voice uncharacteristically animated. “I’ve got something to tell you.”
I rinsed out my mouth and pulled my gaze from the mirror. I’d been too skinny before my recent growth spurt, and now I just looked like a well-dressed hat stand. But my new smile was on point, my new glasses were trendy as fuck, and I was in a band, so all was not lost.
“What?” I said, entering the living room. “I already told you there’s not gonna be any alcohol at the party.”
There was definitely going to be alcohol at the party. Stephanie Wallace’s older brother was bringing two kegs, not that I was planning to drink. I didn’t need alcohol to lower my inhibitions.
Dad smiled and ruffled my hair. “Guess where we’re gonna spend the summer.”
“Uh, right here.” Dad knew my band, Puddle of Heart, had two gigs lined up, not to mention practice every day. He also knew not to touch my hair.
“Guess again. Dave’s mom broke her hip, and she’s lettin’ us use her camper for the whole month of July. It’s already paid for and everythin’.”
“What?”
“You’re gonna love this campground. It’s right on Lake Burnham, and there’s a swimmin’ pool and a miniature golf course. Plus, Dave just bought a motor boat, so we won’t have to fight over who gets to be captain. We can both just sit back and relax. And Brady will be there, so you’ll already have a friend.”
Brady was not my friend. Brady was the opposite of my friend. He was my enemy. Well, maybe not my enemy. He was more like the gold standard I could never measure up to.
Our dads were best friends. And since Brady and I were only two weeks apart in age, we’d spent our whole lives being compared to each other. Apparently, before we’d moved to the city, Brady and I had been inseparable, almost like twins. We’d even napped together in the same crib. But that had been twelve years ago. We were sixteen now and polar opposites.
Brady was athletic, smart, and classically handsome. I was uncoordinated, easily distracted, and goofy-looking. In third grade, while I’d been in remedial reading, Brady had been cruising through chapter books. In middle school, while Brady had been dating girls and going to dances, I’d been playing video games in my best friend’s basement. Now, in high school, I got to hear all about Brady’s game-winning goals and stare at his well-defined muscles in the newspaper clippings Dad stuck to the fridge.
“We can’t go camping,” I said. “I already have plans for the summer.”
“Well, change ‘em.”
“I can’t change them. I’m the guitar player. Without me, there’s no band.”
“It’s only for the month of July. You’ll still have all of August to screw around in Baxter’s basement.”
“We don’t screw around.” Dad never took Puddle of Heart seriously.
“Come on, I thought you’d be excited. Don’t you wanna get to know your roots? We can even take a trip to see the old house.”
“I can’t go, Dad. I can’t do that to my bandmates. I made a commitment.”
Dad’s smile vanished, and my stomach twisted. Dad rarely smiled these days.
“But you should still go,” I said, hating the sullen look on his face. “I’ll just stay here with Uncle James.”
“You can’t. Jimmy’s goin’, too. Come on, it’s gonna be fun. We gotta make these memories while we still can. And you were born in Vermont. It’s in your blood.”
Dad’s words brought the sting of tears to my eyes, but I was too mad to cry. How could he do this to me? How could he ruin my summer and then use his illness to guilt-trip me into not being upset about it?
“I know it’s not what you had planned. But sometimes, the best things in life come from ruined plans, from takin’ a chance on somethin’ new.”
I was too angry to respond, so I pulled out my phone and checked Instagram, which was already full of pictures from the party. “Is Uncle James around? He said he’d give me a ride.”
“I’m right here,” Uncle James said, strolling into the room. He stopped when he saw the looks on our faces and sighed. “You ready?”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
Chapter 2
After ten minutes of awkward silence, Uncle James cleared his throat and said, “Can’t you just pretend to be excited?”
“No, the band needs me.”
“So does your dad.”
I gritted my teeth and stared out the window. Neither of us spoke for the rest of the drive.
Dad had early-onset Alzheimer’s, and his symptoms were starting to get worse. Not send-him-to-the-nursing-home worse, but this-is-really-happening worse. Like, he’d forget what you just said to him, or he’d put all the dishes away in the wrong places.
“Call me when you need a ride home,” Uncle James said as he pulled up to Austin’s white-bricked mansion.
“Okay.” I climbed out of Uncle James’s 4Runner, a hand-me-down from one of his celebrity clients, and smiled. My first high school party!
Unfortunately, the first person I encountered was Raj Reddy, my freshman year lab partner.
“What are you doing here?” Raj asked from Austin’s gigantic foyer. Seriously, Austin’s entryway was bigger than our entire apartment.
Like Austin, Raj was a super-hot soccer boy. But unlike Austin, Raj was a dick. The guy hated me. We’d been lab partners freshman year, and he blamed me for the erlenmeyer flask exploding. And, yes, maybe I should’ve removed the stopper when he’d asked me to. But, to be fair, the scar on Raj’s neck was barely visible anymore.
“Austin invited me,” I said, smiling at Raj like we were best friends.
“You know he only invited you to make Chad jealous, right? He invited Mario Alvarez, too.”
Hmm, interesting. Competition. But that was okay. I could handle this. I was just as hot as Mario Alvarez. And way taller.
“I’m not trying to get with Austin,” I said.
“Good, because it’s never going to happen.”
I really hoped Raj was wrong. Austin Cavanaugh was the perfect guy to lose my kissing virginity to. He was hot, nice, and always chewing gum.
Granted, I could’ve lost my kissing virginity ages ago. Loads of girls wanted to make out with me. Cecee Reynolds once said I had amazing eyes. But I didn’t want my first kiss to be with a girl. My ancestors weathered centuries of violence, marched in pride parades, and watched eight seasons of Will and Grace so I wouldn’t have to pretend to like girls. Sure, Baxter said he’d kiss me, but I didn’t want my first kiss to be with a straight boy, either. I wanted my first kiss to be passionate and steamy.
Raj left me, muttering something under his breath—probably tender endearments—and I spotted Chelsea Matthews in the living room with her clique of popular girls. Chelsea and I weren’t exactly friends, either, but she played trumpet in the jazz band, and I played guitar, so close enough.
“Theo, what are you doing here? I didn’t know you went to parties.” Chelsea raised her red plastic cup in greeting. “You want a beer?”
“I’m good, thanks.” If I was kissing Austin tonight, I needed to keep my wits about me.
As if reading my mind, Austin strode into the room and asked, “Who wants to play seven minutes in heaven?”
Fuck yeah! Chelsea and the girls were just as excited as I was, and Austin went about setting the ground rules, explaining his twist on the classic game.
“Okay, so here’s how we’re going to do it. I’ll pick a name at random from this bowl, and whoever I pick will go into the closet and wait. Once inside, I’ll pick a second name, and that person, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, will join the first person in the closet for exactly seven minutes. But here’s the twist. Instead of both people leaving at the end of seven minutes, the second person will stay behind and wait for a new name to be drawn. And then the process will start over from there. Get it?”
“Wait, so fourteen minutes in heaven, then?” Chelsea asked.
“Yeah, exactly. This way, each person will get one make out partner who’s a total surprise.”
Kylie Rodrigo’s name was pulled first, and she stepped into the closet with a nervous giggle. I liked Kylie. She played baritone sax, the sexiest sax. But that didn’t mean I wanted to be trapped in a closet with her. Kylie was a huge gossip, and I didn’t want to have to explain to her that I was saving myself for Austin.
Luckily, the next name drawn was Raj’s, which couldn’t have been a coincidence. Everyone knew Raj had a thing for Kylie. Austin must have rigged the game, which boded well for me, especially since Mario wasn’t even playing.
Seven minutes later, Kylie emerged, her hair a disheveled mess, and everyone laughed.
“Next up is”—Austin made a show of slowly unfolding the paper—“Theo.”
Okay, interesting. But there was no need to panic. Probably, in seven minutes, Raj would leave and Austin would draw his own name.
“Is this some kind of sick joke?” Raj asked the moment I stepped into the surprisingly roomy closet.
“If it is, I forgot to knock. But feel free to ask who’s there anyway.” The door closed and we were plunged into inky darkness.
“I’m not making out with you,” Raj said. “And it’s not because I’m a homophobe. I just don’t like you.”
“Really? Because I’m in love with you. I think we might be soulmates. Please, let me prove it to you with sweet, tender kisses.”
“Fuck off.”
I slumped against the wall opposite Raj and let several minutes of awkward silence pass. But since silence and I weren’t exactly simpatico, I couldn’t help asking, “So, any big plans for the summer? I assume you’re going to your grandparents' villa in the south of France, where you’ll eat foie gras and drink Champagne with a capital C.” Raj was always bragging about his summers in France.
“That’s right. And I assume you’re going to stick around here and help your dad clean out porta potties, maybe refill the hand sanitizer?”
“He doesn’t clean them out. He’s the manager.” If Raj was trying to make me ashamed of my dad, he was shit out of luck. Sure, my dad wasn’t an investment banker or the CEO of some huge multinational corporation, but he was a good dad and a published author.
The timer went off a couple minutes later, and Raj bolted from the closet.
“Thanks for rocking my world, Raj. You’ve got a magic mouth.” I made sure to project my voice so everyone could hear.
The door closed behind him, and I licked my lips, readying myself for Austin. But when the door opened again, it wasn’t Austin who stepped into the closet, but Chelsea Matthews. What the fuck?
“Hey Theo, it’s me, Chelsea.”
“Hey,” I managed to say as all my fantasies came crashing down around me.
Chelsea used the glow of her cell phone screen to light her way over to the wall I was leaning against. “If it turns out Raj is a better kisser, I’m going to need you to lie and tell everyone he’s not, okay?”
“We actually just sat here in silence for seven minutes. But I’ll happily lie for you.”
“Really? I figured you’d be all over that. You’re gay, right?”
“Yeah, super gay.”
Everyone at school knew I was gay. It was only my family who didn’t. It wasn’t that I thought my dad would disown me or send me to conversion therapy. Dad wasn’t like that. Uncle James was gay, and he and Dad were best friends.
I just didn’t want Dad to feel left out or to think I loved Uncle James more. Ever since Dad had started getting sick, Uncle James had started taking over his parental responsibilities, going to my parent teacher conferences, taking me to doctor's appointments, stuff like that. He’d even become my legal guardian.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love Uncle James like a dad. I did. But Dad was my dad, and I didn’t want to give him another excuse to pull away.
“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to,” Chelsea said. “We can just sit here and talk.”
“Really? That would be awesome!” I sighed heavily and let my head thud against the wall.
Chelsea laughed. “Jeez, you don’t have to sound so happy about it.”
“No, it’s not like that. I’m sure kissing you would be awesome. You’re a really good trumpet player, so you must have amazing lips. Like, seriously, was that a high D you hit the other day?”
“E, but close enough.”
“Exactly, and you probably have fruity lip gloss and good breath. I’ve just never kissed anyone before, and I was kinda hoping my first time would be with another dude.”
“You’ve never kissed anyone before? Oh my god, that’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard.”
“No, it’s pathetic.”
“Of course it’s not pathetic. It’s romantic. But why did you want to play seven minutes in heaven if you didn’t want to kiss anyone?”
“I don’t know,” I lied.
“Wait, were you hoping it would be Austin and not me?”
“No, of course not.” Man, I was such a liar. It was a wonder my pants didn’t spontaneously ignite.
“Well, I think you two would make a cute couple, way cuter than Austin and Chad.”
I pictured Austin and I sitting shoulder to shoulder at the same lunch table, glad it was pitch black in the closet so Chelsea couldn’t see me blushing.
“Can you not mention the whole kissing virgin thing to anyone?” I asked. “It’s kinda embarrassing.”
“Of course not. Your secret is safe with me. And there is no reason to be embarrassed. You only get one first kiss, right?”
“Right!” Finally, someone who got it. Most of my friends were in a race to collect as many sexual experiences as they could, like they were in some kind of x-rated Easter egg hunt.
A few minutes later, the timer went off, and I wished Chelsea better luck with her next partner and headed for the door. The moment I opened it, I came face to face with Oscar Montague III, Chelsea’s ex-boyfriend.
“Hey Oscar—“
Oscar’s fist made contact with my face, and I staggered back against the doorframe. I’d never been punched before, and it took me a minute to figure out what had happened. My whole face throbbed. My eyes watered. And my nose ran. Was that blood?
“What the fuck, Oscar? We’re not together anymore,” Chelsea screamed. “And Theo and I didn’t do anything. He’s saving himself for Austin.”
“Are you okay?” someone asked, and my vision cleared just enough to watch Austin drop Mario’s hand and rush towards the closet. And here I thought this moment couldn’t get any worse.
I didn’t know how to answer Austin’s question, so I reached up and removed my glasses. Yup, they were definitely broken. Fuck. Dad was going to kill me.
***
I wasn’t blind without my glasses, but pretty damn close. I made a dash for the bathroom and tripped over something, a foot perhaps. I stumbled, trying to catch myself, but I was all arms and legs, like a newborn horse, and I collided with the wall. Glass shattered and rained down on the floor. At first, I thought I’d crashed into a picture on the wall. But, no, it was a fucking mirror. Wasn’t the seven years of bad luck supposed to start after you broke the mirror?
“Oh, shit,” Austin said. He’d been trailing after me, trying to wipe up the trail of blood I was leaving behind. But at the sight of the broken mirror, he froze and started hyperventilating.
“You’re such a fucking menace, Theo.” Raj took my arm and guided me towards the bathroom.
“It’s okay,” I said, swallowing thick globs of blood. “I’ll buy him a new mirror. I just gotta clean up first.” I hurried into the bathroom, and Raj closed the door behind me. Fat crimson drops fell from my nose and plopped onto the white porcelain counter.
Thirty minutes later, after Oscar had been kicked out and Chelsea had promised to hook me up with her mom’s plastic surgeon, I sat on the wall outside next to the stone buttress of a lion and waited for Uncle James to pick me up.
Austin came out and kicked nervously at the bark chips surrounding the rose bushes. “How are you feeling?”
“I wasn’t really saving myself for you, you know. I just didn’t want my first kiss to be with a girl or a straight guy. And I’m really happy for you and Mario. Mario is the coolest. And I’ll get you a new mirror, so don’t worry about that. Just tell me where your mom got it.”
“That’s okay. Raj looked it up, and it’s, like, fifteen hundred dollars.”
If my eyes weren’t swollen shut, they probably would’ve bugged out like some cartoon character’s. What the fuck? I only had five hundred in savings, and that wouldn’t even cover half of it.
“Okay, well, I can give you five hundred now and the rest later.” Raj was right. I was going to have to spend my summer cleaning porta potties.
“Don’t worry about it. I know money’s tight for you, and that your dad is—”
“It’s fine. I’ll figure it out.” I refused to be Austin’s charity case. He may not have wanted to kiss me, but he had invited me to his party, and that wasn’t nothing.
Austin looked like he wanted to argue the point, but he held back. “I hear Puddle of Heart is playing at the summer carnival this year.”
I was surprised Austin remembered my band’s name. Other than last year’s variety show, we’d never played out before. “Not anymore. My dad is dragging me up to Vermont for the entire month of July.”
“Really? That sucks.”
“Tell me about it.”
Uncle James’s 4Runner tore up the drive, and he jumped out, ready for a fight. “Where is the little shit?”
“Relax, he’s not here anymore.” I stood and tried to give Austin back the ice pack.
“Keep it,” he said, giving me a weak smile. At least, I assumed it was a weak smile. Without my glasses, I couldn’t really tell.
Chapter 3
I liked to get up early on Sundays and make brunch, and today was no exception. I couldn’t see very well. Blood from my broken nose had drained into dark sacks under my eyes, and my glasses were busted. But I still managed to whip up a quiche with the meager offerings from our fridge—spinach, mushrooms, garlic, and copious amounts of feta. I also made monkey bread and fruit smoothies.
I was just finishing up when Esther, Uncle James’s best friend, arrived.
“I brought the—” Esther’s jaw went slack, and the champagne in her hand fell to her side. “What happened?”
“Nothing, I just—“
“He got caught hookin’ up with some other dude’s girl.” Dad squeezed my shoulder as he walked past. He sounded proud.
“Do I need to bail James out of jail?” Esther asked.
“No, he’s in his room,” I said. “Oscar was long gone by the time Uncle James got there.”
“Oscar, eh? What’s his last name?”
“I’m not telling you.”
Esther shrugged, and the sly uptick of her mouth said she didn’t need Oscar’s last name to track him down. She was a reporter, after all. Well, really more of a tabloid journalist, but same difference.
Uncle James came out a few minutes later, and his face contorted in anger the moment he saw my matching pair of black eyes, which looked badass as fuck. They were all dark and colorful like an oil slick.
We managed to make it all the way through brunch without talking about the party or camping in Vermont. But the moment Uncle James and Esther went to get some fresh air on the roof—read, smoke weed—Dad pounced.
“Brady's girlfriend might be hangin’ with us some, too, so now you’ll have two friends up in Vermont.”
“Great! I’ve always wanted to be Brady’s third wheel. Maybe he’ll let me hold his girlfriend’s purse and take pictures of them making out.”
Dad sighed, and guilt stabbed into my gut.
“I guess we don’t have to—“
“No, we’re going,” I said. “You haven’t seen Dave in almost a year, and I’m sure I can teach Priyanka a watered-down version of the guitar parts.”
“You sure?”
I wasn’t sure, but I nodded.
“Who knows, you might meet someone up there,” Dad said. “Did I ever tell you about the summer I went to basketball camp and—“
“Yes, like a thousand times.”
Dad held up his hands and took a step back. “Okay, sorry.”
***
They didn’t call Vermont the Green Mountain State for nothing. The whole place was just one big mountain range. Everywhere you looked, there were trees. Though, not just trees. There were also stone walls, dandelions, cemeteries, old white churches with old white steeples, dead deer on the side of the road, horses, cows, and corn that was supposed to be knee high by the fourth of July. But you know what there wasn’t? Reliable cell phone service.
It was late afternoon when we pulled into the campground, and I had to piss like a racehorse.
“You checkin’ us in?” Dad asked as I bolted from the car.
“No, I gotta pee.” I made a beeline for the bathroom. When I came out, Uncle James was standing at the counter, talking to someone.
No longer about to piss myself, I took in the breezy lobby, which sold concessions—popcorn, pizza, and ice cream sandwiches. A door led out to the pool, where families screamed and splashed about.
“There’s no alcohol or glass bottles allowed in the pool area,” the guy behind the counter was saying, and I froze, recognizing his voice.
I stepped around a loud box fan and peered over Uncle James’s shoulder. No fucking way! I had to be hallucinating. “Raj? What are you doing here?”
Raj Reddy met my gaze, and a symphony of emotions played across his face—surprise, fear, anger, annoyance, embarrassment—before settling on one that could best be described as you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.
“You two know each other?” Uncle James asked.
“Yeah, Raj goes to my school,” I said. “We used to be lab partners.”
At the mention of lab partners, Raj touched the faint scar on his neck.
“Wait, is this the kid you sent to the emergency room because you’re a dumbass?”
There was no use denying it, so I said, “Yup, and he’s never forgiven me for it.”
This was too weird. Raj was supposed to be in the south of France, not working concessions at a white-trash campground in northern Vermont.
“You’re in D12,” Raj said through gritted teeth, marking the spot on a black and white map of the campground. “The road is one way, though, so you’ll have to drive around the long way to get there.”
I stopped listening and escaped back to the car. This had to be the mirror’s doing. Luck didn’t get this bad without help. But, on the bright side, I only had six years and eleven months left to go.
Uncle James slid back in the driver’s seat a few minutes later and smirked at me in the rearview mirror. “Did Theo tell you he already has a friend here?” he asked Dad.
“He’s not my friend.”
“What?” Dad turned to look at me.
“He’s just someone I go to school with. We barely know each other.” This was terrible. What if Raj told Dad and Uncle James I was gay?
“It’s the kid Theo sent to the emergency room two years ago. Apparently, his grandparents own the place,” Uncle James said. “They bought it five years ago.”
“What are the chances of that?” Dad asked.
“Can we please just go,” I said. “I gotta get dinner started.”

I threatened to post this annoyingly long dissertation in a comments section, and with very little encouragement, decided I’ll do it. I am doing this on mobile, so I’m sorry in advance.
I think AMERIICAN REQUIEM is the best opening to any album in history. It may be Beyoncé’s best song. I am almost scared to go that far, BUT it is definitely top 3. It is a Nina Simone “Feeling Good,” MJ “Black and White,” Queen “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Prince “Purple Rain” level anthem, and yet in a league of its own. I love this song, and think it’s so impactful and hauntingly beautiful, I wanna talk about it with the Hive!! In this essay, I will…
—> Just to begin, REQUIEM according to the Oxford dictionary online means: “(especially in the Roman Catholic Church) a Mass for the repose of the souls of the dead.” The Catholic Church allusion could be referencing her father’s church, as many of the Hive have agreed, and her father will come up again in my analysis. But the funeral music proceeding can be read a few ways. I’ll list two. The first one is basically my entire TLDR of this post. The idea of the “American Dream” is false. That faux American Dream is being killed permanently by this album. Specifically, the “Dream” wherein everyone in America is equal and opportunities are fair is not a reality. This is solidified further through the first verse of the song. (The second read of Requiem is MISS PETTY PETTY I AM KILLING THE COUNTRY MUSIC GAME. SO FUCK ALL YA’LL.✌🏼) Now into the lyrics.
“Nothin' really ends\ For things to stay the same they have to change again”\ —> This is partnering with AMEN, (and I will go into that further with the outros.) It’s about the idea that American society may seem to be slowly turning more progressive or even “woke,” but the folks in charge and the elite will never fully allow society to change significantly.
“Hello, my old friend”\ —> She is familiar with the discrimination and racism as a black woman in America.
“You change your name but not the ways you play pretend\ American Requiem\ Them big ideas (Yeah) are buried here (Yeah)\ Amen”\ —> Again, this faux-progressive, false American Dream wherein everyone is equal and opportunities are fair is repackaged, which she is now experiencing within the country music scene specifically. “Them big ideas are buried here” has the double meaning: the American Dream lives here in America where everyone is equal and free, but that idea is actually buried and dead. She refrains this many times for emphasis.
—> The next section is describing her CMA performance in 2016 with The Chicks. She is recounting the events of what she physically witnessed while on stage.
“It's a lot of talkin' goin' on\ While I sing my song\ Can you hear me?\ I said, ‘Do you hear me?’"\ —> Here, she is implying that she is doing something earnest: singing her song. She is also introducing one of the main questions in the song, CAN YOU HEAR ME? On the surface level, it is the audience chattering about her and not listening. Underneath that, it is the painful truth of racism. They will never hear her. Or Shaboozey, Willie Jones, etc.
“Looka there, looka there now\ Looka there, looka there…”\ —> Again, this what she is seeing the audience do to her from the stage. Pointing and jeering, and these gestures imply she doesn’t belong. These lines seem to be out of frustration, with the power and sound crescendoing through as more “looker there” lines appear in the rest of the song.
“It's a lotta chatter in here\ But let me make myself clear (Oh)\ Can you hear me? (Huh)\ Or do you fear me? (Ow)”\ —> Considering the white fragility and fear that has run rampant (especially recently) through all of American history, the line “Can you hear me, or do you fear me?” is L O A D E D. To reiterate, the CMAs invited her there to “sing her song,” something she loves to do, and is wholesome. She wasn’t there to make a huge statement (which could be debated since The Chicks were blacklisted.) Why would they fear her? It is an eternal question of black Americans and POC as they are turned into “thugs” for a hoodie, and “gangs” for a peaceful protest. It is maddening. This anger ebbs and flows through the lyrics and in her powerful rock-n-roll style adlibs.
“Can we stand for something?\ Now is the time to face the wind (Ow)\ Coming in peace and love, y'all\ Oh, a lot of takin' up space\ Salty tears beyond my gaze\ Can you stand me?\ Can we stand?\ Can you stand with me?”\ —> These lines are heartbreaking. “Coming in peace and love, y'all” implies she isn’t feeling malice or mocking the genre. SHE. IS. COUNTRY. SHE LOVES THE GENRE. “Oh, a lot of takin' up space. Salty tears beyond my gaze.” The sting of seeing fellow musicians openly ignore her performance and/or be racist and discriminatory is painful and maddening. “Salty tears” is another hint of anger or frustration, with the popular term “salty” meaning angry. She asks her own peers, “Can you stand with me” as a way to offer an olive branch toward hatred. ‘I am here to make art,’ she says, ‘so please stand with me.’ In 2016, the year of this performance, the racial tension in America was rising, which is clear as the song continues.
“Can we stand for something?\ Now is the time to face the wind\ Now ain't the time to pretend\ Now is the time to let love in”\ —> NOTE: This CMA performance was (again) in 2016, not to get political, but I am. Sorrrrrray (I Ain’t Sorry). SOMEONE became the president, and it was A LOT scary for any marginalized group. These things go hand-in-hand with that ‘false American Dream’ wherein white (and even cis) folks can be openly racist and discriminatory without consequences.
“Thinkin' to myself (Thinkin' to myself)\ Oh, it's a lot of talkin' goin' on (Oh)\ While I sing my song (Yeah)\ Do you hear me when I say?\ Do you hear me when I say? Ah”\ —> Once the performance was said and done, the pain wore off a little and the thinking began… the plotting (THESE ALBUMS). We start to hear THE FRUSTRATION that I mentioned in the “Looker there” lines. It builds into something strong and powerful.
“Looka there, looka there\ Looka, look\ Looka-looka-looka-looka-looka\ Looka-looka there, looka there\ L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-looka there\ Oh, looka there, looka there\ Looka there, looka there\ (Can you stand me? Can you stand me? Can you stand me?)\ L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L”\ —> It is frustration in musical form. It’s almost satirical. That’s what she witnessed the audience, her peers, sneering about her on stage, seemingly on a stage where she didn’t belong; and she reclaims it in a Prince-esque, badass, classic rock-n-roll refrain. Reclamation of the American Dream by a black woman. It’s the over-arching theme of it all, just in those few lines and sounds.
“(Can you stand me?\ Can you stand me?\ Can you stand me?\ Can we stand for something?\ Now is the time to face the wind (Now is the time to face the wind)\ Now ain't the time to pretend\ Now is the time to let love in (To let love in)\ Together, can we stand?”\ —> Let’s talk about the lines “Now is the time to face the wind. Now ain't the time to pretend. Now is the time to let love in.” They’ve been repeated for emphasis as well. Looking at and facing the uncomfortable wind of racism; now ain’t the time to act like everything was fine during her CMA performance specifically; and, now is the time to LET LOVE IN. Love is always the root of her music. She is a firm believer in love, which, to her, is the only way to battle the hatred she received during her Daddy Lessons performance.
“Looka there, looka in my hand\ The grandbaby of a moonshine man\ Gadsden, Alabama\ Got folk down in Galveston, rooted in Louisiana\ Used to say I spoke, "Too country"\ And the rejection came, said ‘I wasn't country 'nough’\ Said I wouldn't saddle up\ but If that ain't country, tell me what is?\ Plant my bare feet on solid ground for years\ They don't, don't know how hard I had to fight for this\ When I sang my song”\ —> Wow. Can Beyoncé be any clearer here? She is describing her children in relation to her father from Alabama, and her mother’s side in Louisiana. It almost feels as if she is pleading for white folks to see her real life, not her pop-star image that she was forced to formulate after years of racist criticisms of her full figure, her southern accent, etc. These lines are criticizing the unfounded criticism she faced specifically from the American country music community. This is about race. It’s about being black and reclaiming a white-dominated and WHITE FRAGILE space. It’s not fair. She IS country, and yet she has to fight just to “sing her song.” She uses her story to describe that this is bigger than her. Even someone like her, a huge name in music, is susceptible to hateful discrimination and racism from her own peers in the music industry. The American Dream to her is dead. She says it subtly in Renaissance too. “My unAmerican life” “them Karens just turned into terrorists” “AMERICA HAS A PROBLEM” I could go on. The idea of death is further shown at the end:
“(When I sang the song of Abraham)\ (When the angels guide and take my hand)\ (Oh, no) Goodbye to what has been\ A pretty house that we never settled in\ A funeral for fair-weather friends\ I am the one to cleanse me of my Father's sins\ American Requiem\ Them big ideas (Yeah) are buried here (Yeah)\ Amen”\ —> So, the funeral procession begins to close. Biblical references in here to keep the Catholicism allusion going. “A pretty house that we never settled in.” Bone-chilling. It’s such a beautifully written, yet sad line. This relatively small idea that she had of being able to cross genres as she pleased, like many of her white colleagues (Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Gaga for example); next the umbrella idea of racism being the wall blocking her out from genre-crossing; AND THEN, the even larger umbrella idea that the American Dream is A FALLACY, especially for POC. It isn’t real unless you’re already rich and you’re already white and you’re already Christian. The “funeral for fair-weather friends” is direct shade to the CMA’s, considering she was invited just to be mocked, jeered at, and discriminated against. “I am the one to cleanse me of my Father’s sins” has two meanings. I will explain the first one here, and the second meaning when she repeats a similar line in the outro. It is referring to her own father locking her in an R&B pop star perfect princess box for years, and this is also described in detail in 16 CARRIAGES. I mentioned Beyoncé being forced to almost white-wash her image, this connects to that same idea as well. Her music career is amazing with much help from her father, and she understands this; however, she also knows that it’s hindered her career. Hence the freshness and rawness of 4 (and Self-Titled.) The next lines, the outro, are also in AMEN, which the outro of the album as a whole:
“Say a prayer for what has been\ We'll be the ones to purify our Fathers' sins\ American Requiem\ Them old ideas (Yeah) are buried l here (Yeah)\ Amen (Amen)”\ —> Here comes AMEN’s partner. I’ll say, sister. I could do a separate dissertation on this, but AMERIICAN REQUIEM AND AMEN are sisters. Their similar meanings and repeating the same lines displays this. “Say a prayer for what has been” BYE WHITE ASS COUNTRY MUSIC SCENE BYE. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. “We’ll be the ones to purify our Father’s sins” Here, Beyoncé is using this line’s second meaning: POC and other southern American folks will be the ones to reclaim THEIR music. She no longer needs the approval of the American country music scene, and she is here to dominate it. This is juxtaposed with the lines before it, which are almost pleading: “Looka there, looka in my hand, The grandbaby of a moonshine man. Gadsden, Alabama. Got folk down in Galveston, rooted in Louisiana. Used to say I spoke, "Too country" And the rejection came, said ‘I wasn't country 'nough’ Said I wouldn't saddle up, but If that ain’t country, tell me what is. Plant my bare feet on solid ground for years.” She is begging them to see her point of view, that it’s clear to her that she IS country, especially according to American standards.
“American Requiem\ Them old ideas are buried here\ Amen.”\ —> The funeral procession closes with a dark, yet pleasing burial which are, again, sisters with the outro lines of AMEN. She changes the line “Them big ideas” wherein “big” is an satirical exaggeration of “the American Dream” because POC are told that they’re equal, but they’re shown through actions that they’re not. They’re told to come plant their “big-idea-seeds” in American soil, and watch it grow, just like your white neighbors. Beyoncé sees, with her parents’ love and father’s hard work, she grew a tall-ass beanstalk… but she still can’t be accepted by spaces wherein she KNOWS she belongs because they’re (now) white spaces. “Big ideas” is changed to “old ideas.” Those hyperbolic ideas are outdated now. They’re over. Beyoncé is finished accepting the “American Dream” that is spoon-fed to her and other POC. Those ideas are buried here under American soil. And they’re going to tend to that beautiful idea-garden themselves.
—> In conclusion: sorry it’s long and thank you if you got this far. Bye!
EDIT TO ADD: Paragraph breaks\ EDIT #2: Still working on formatting, thank you to those who are reading! ❤️

Setting by u/BlueFishcake
First Previous Next
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The sun warmed Levi's face as he sat on the tailgate of Ol’ Theseus and watched people trickle out the front doors of the church on Sunday morning.
Summer had passed its zenith. You could feel it in the air. The sun had that ‘low burning campfire’ feel; the warmth was still strong, but a reminder that you'd need to bundle up before too long tickled the back of your neck.
Not that Levi minded. Summer was hot. Hot was sweaty. Cold was easier, even with winters that made the old-timers smile and give sage advice about dealing with eight-foot drifts and sub-zero temperatures. Sure it would kill you, but it was honest about it. You could always put more clothes on, but you couldn’t always take clothes off.
Especially nowadays.
Levi took a deep breath and steeled himself as Zachariah walked out onto the front steps, spotted him, and began making his way over.
“Hey, bud,” Zachariah greeted as he approached.
Levi nodded. “Dad.”
Zachariah hesitated for a moment. “I spoke with Mrs. Stockdale.”
Levi shifted his gaze back to the church building. “I heard.”
“Mm… You wanna tell me your side?”
“Does it matter?”
Zachariah frowned. “‘Course it matters! Why wouldn’t it matter?”
“Never really seems to change things, tellin’ my side of the story.”
“Never changes-!” Zachariah stopped and closed his eyes, still frowning. “I’m not followin’, but that’s a separate conversation. Please, indulge me.”
Levi gave a halfhearted shrug. “Not much to tell. I laid down on a blanket that Melody and Rhe’alla were sitting on. Rhe’ kissed me, an’ started scratchin’ my head. Mrs. Stockdale didn’t like that, so we left.”
Zachariah nodded. “She also said somethin’ ‘bout bein’ rude?”
“Does that sound like me?”
“No… No, it don’t.”
“Sounds to me like someone who’s used to gettin’ her way got upset that she ain’t gettin’ her way.”
“See, that don’t sound much like you, either.”
Levi raised an eyebrow and gave a mirthless chuckle. “Yeah, everything was better when I’d just smile an’ take whatever shit people dumped on me, wasn’t it?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I mean, you’re over-correcting, son.”
Levi blinked. “I’m what?”
The bed of ol’ Theseus sank as Zachariah sat down beside him on the tailgate, frowning at the ground. “You got a fair point; you’ve rolled with more punches than you should have. Fine and fair. I ain’t gonna object if you start drawin’ lines ‘n’ settin’ boundaries. You shouldn’t have to wait for people to get used to you stickin’ up for yourself, bud, but that's just part of bein’ Human. People’re gonna need a minute t’ get used to it. Nobody likes change. They’ll push back.” He looked over at Levi with a sympathetic smile. “An’ if you got ol’ damage, or fresh wounds, they’re gonna bump into that. It’s gonna hurt. More than it should, in fact. Gonna be real tempting to punch ‘em right in their inconsiderate faces.”
Levi let out a long sigh. “Yeah, well… I ain’t much of a fighter.”
Zachariah’s lips quirked into a half smile. “Not with your hands, maybe…”
“What?”
“Do you think diggin’ out the swimmin’ hole ain’t fightin’, bud? Or demandin’ t’ be whipped? Or tellin’ the Interior that you ain’t interested in bein’ their propaganda puppet? That’s fightin’ like hell, boy! So you ain’t thrown a punch in a while, so what? That don’t mean you ain’t fightin’! An’ it don’t mean that you can’t hurt people just as bad with what ya say as ya would takin’ a swing at ‘em.” Zachariah shrugged. “I mean, ya came pretty close to killin’ Gary with what you said the other week.”
Levi’s eyes narrowed. “It seemed like I was on the losing side of that one, from where I stand.”
“If he’d have passed out on his back instead of his side, he’d have drowned in his own vomit.” Zachariah shook his head. “It only felt like losin’ ‘cause fightin’ hurts both parties, an you ain’t used to it.”
Levi was silent for a moment. “So… Mr. Hawthorn could have died because of what I said to him…”
“Not directly, but it was a factor.”
“Then we're right back where we started: everything was better when I kept my stupid mouth shut.”
“You ain't responsible for other people's actions, bud.”
“Then why shouldn’t I stand up for myself, and consequences be damned?!” Levi threw up his hands with a frustrated huff. “You just said that I almost killed Mr. Hawthorn by talking. How the hell am I supposed to interpret that, other than bein’ responsible?!”
Zachariah nodded slowly. “...a fair point, but the problem is that what goes around, comes around.” He frowned at the ground for a moment. “Perhaps I misspoke. If you'll indulge an attempt to clarify?” He waited for Levi's nod, then continued. “When you hit someone, they have no choice in whether or not they suffer injury. You make the choice to affect them, an’ that makes you responsible. Words don't work like that.
“When I was young, a man told me I was a loser. I hated him for it. Fantasized ‘bout pushin’ him into traffic more times than I can count. Thank God I weren’t stupid enough to try, but there it is. “Now, if someone were to call me a loser today, I'd probably forget about it by the end of the week. The difference is me. Same word, but back then, it was true. I was blowin’ off school, drinkin’ too much, an’ gettin’ in all kinds of trouble. The word hurt because of the choices I'd made, but more to the point, I chose to be angry at the word instead of bein’ honest with myself. If I’d acted on my irritation, that would've been my choice. But, an’ this is where I’m tryin’ t’ get us to, if that guy had been diplomatic about it, he might’ve been able to get me to take an honest look at myself far sooner and with far less pain than I eventually managed t’ do by myself. It would’ve been a harder path, no question there, but it’s possible.”
Levi’s brow was furrowed. “So… I’m making enemies by telling the truth?”
“You’re makin’ enemies by usin’ the truth like a baseball bat. And you got every right to do it. But it’s not helping you.”
“So I’m supposed to lie to people?”
“No, I didn’t say that either.” Zachariah shook his head. “Listen. You’re realizing that you need to set boundaries, right? If someone had told you that you were a spineless pussy, that you let people walk all over you, and if you didn’t tell ‘em all t’ shove it where the sun don’t shine you’d never amount t’ anything useful… would that have helped you get where you needed t’ go?”
Levi snorted. “No.”
“Right. Now if someone had told you that you’re allowing people t’ take advantage of you without realizing it, and it was hurtin’ you more ‘n you knew, would that have helped?”
“I… don’t know. Maybe?”
“And the ‘maybe’ is where I’m tryin’ to show you the path to. It’s the harder path, but given’ other people a ‘maybe’ is doin’ both them and yourself a kindness. It let’s ‘em confront the truth without breakin’ their nose on it. The truth’ll set you free, bud, but that don’t mean it won’t kick your ass in the process.”
Levi took a breath to reply but froze as Principal Hawthorn stepped out of the front door of the church. His father followed his gaze and stood up off the tailgate as the other man walked over.
“Gary.” Zachariah nodded.
“Zachariah.” He returned the nod. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything?”
Zachiah glanced at his son, who shrugged. “Nothin’ that can’t wait a moment. What can we do for ya?”
“Mrs. Stockdale had… concerns. Has she spoken to you yet?”
“Ah.” Zachariah nodded. “It seems she objected to a public display of affection, then expected the younguns to desist instead of evacuate.”
“Yes, the explanation that I got from Melody was a bit indignant.” Gary chuckled. “I was also hoping to speak with Levi, if I may?”
Levi stood up from the tailgate but said nothing, his face blank.
Zachariah studied his son for a moment before turning back to Gary. “You… you want privacy for that?”
“Only if Levi is okay with it.”
Levi looked back and forth between the two men before giving a hesitant nod.
“Aight… if you’re sure.” Zachariah stepped back before turning toward the door of the church. “Holler if you need me.”
The two men stood quietly for a moment, Levi watching Gary’s face intently while Gary seemed to be avoiding his eyes.
“Levi.” Gary nodded
Levi raised an eyebrow.
“I suppose I deserve that…” He took a deep breath. “Levi, look… I’m sorry.”
Levi’s jaw dropped. “You are?!”
“Well, of course! What did you expect?”
“Some meandering crap that makes it sound like you’re sorry, but implies that it really wasn’t your fault and that I should be the one apologizing.”
“...what?!”
Levi gave him a flat look. “What nothing. People in charge always do that.”
“I haven’t done that!”
Silence stretched between the two of them.
“...have I?”
Levi folded his arms across his chest. “You remember when we were over at your house and broke that lamp? And you were in the middle of scolding me and Eli when Melody told you that it was Eli and Chloe who were chasing each other, not me?”
Gary winced. “...vaguely?”
“Or when I pulled those two guys off each other in the school parking lot, and you were going to suspend all three of us until Mr. Eckelson stuck up for me?”
“Er… I…”
“Or how about the time-”
“Alright! Alright! I get it!” Gary held up his hands in a peremptory gesture. “I’m human garbage! Happy now?”
Levi blinked. “I… didn’t really mean it like that…”
“Well, what did you mean?”
“I don’t know…” It was Levi’s turn to look away uncomfortably. “I just… Maybe I thought I’d earned a bit more benefit of the doubt.”
“In regards to Melody?”
“In regards to anything!”
The two men stood staring at each other for a moment.
“Yeah…” Gary nodded slowly. “I guess you have.”
“Oh…” Levi shuffled uncomfortably, and resumed leaning on the tailgate. “Well… thank you.”
Gary nodded in acknowledgment, then turned to copy Levi’s posture. “So… Melody.”
“Melody.”
“And R… Rhe’alla?”
“And Rhe’alla.”
“Melody and Rhe’alla?”
Levi nodded.
“And they’re both okay with it?”
Levi nodded again. “They kind of started it.”
“The world’s changing way too fast. It’s enough to make a man feel old.” Gary took a deep breath and shook his head. “So you haven’t actually proposed yet?”
Levi shook his head. “Savin’ for rings.”
Gary nodded. “Have you… already had sex?”
Levi felt his cheeks warming but stubbornly kept a straight face. “No.”
“No?” Gary looked over in surprise.
“I’m old fashioned like that.” The blush swept over the rest of Levi’s face as he met Gary’s eyes. “Besides, she ain’t ready, and I'm ain’t gonna push.”
“...oh…”
“Is it gonna be a problem if that changes?”
Gary’s mouth opened and closed several times. “I… well, that’s more consideration than I anticipated.”
“But will it be a problem?”
“Benefit of the doubt…” Gary muttered, looking over the parking lot. “Just… be good to her, Levi.” “Of course, sir. I’d hate myself forever if I did anything to hurt her.”
Gary nodded. They stood, side by side, in silence as the breeze sent dust skittering across the gravel parking lot. It felt like minutes had passed when Gary, without looking over, offered his hand. Levi looked at it for a moment before clasping it in his own.
“You’re a good man, Levi,” Gary said, shaking his hand firmly. “A better one than I am.”
“That ain’t true, sir.”
Gary chuckled wryly. “Take good care of my little girl. She deserves some happiness in her life.”
“Yes, sir. I will.” ----- Zachariah let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding as Levi and Gary shook hands out in the parking lot. He’d had every confidence they’d find their way through their disagreement if they just gave each other a bit of patience.
The stubborn bit of doubt wheedling at the back of his mind had just been the concern of a caring parent.
Nonetheless, he was glad. For both of them, really. He knew firsthand how difficult it could make things for-
“Is that your boy?”
Zachariah looked over, and then up, and the man standing next to him. Everything about him screamed military, from his light brown close-cropped hair to the posture he held as he stood on the beside the front door of the church. “That he is. You know him?”
“Only by reputation.” The man glanced over with a smile and offered his hand. “Logan Howlett.”
“Zachariah McClendon.” Zachariah smiled and clasped the proffered hand. The smile nearly slipped at the intensity of the grip, but he rallied.
He knew that game.
“You know my boy?” He asked, his smile taking on a tinge of amusement.
“Uh…” Logan’s eyes widened slightly. “Mostly by reputation. I met him the other day at the Co-op Supply.” He shuffled his feet, eyes flickering down to their still clasped hands. “That’s, uh, helluva grip you’ve got there, Zachariah.”
“Why, thank you.” He nodded as he let go. “Hard livin’ and harder workin’; it does a body good.” Turning back to the window, he regarded the pair of men. “Easy t’ forget he’s got a reputation, I’m afraid. Had a lot of upheaval in his life, over the course of the summer.”
Logan nodded, falling silent for a moment. “I hear he’s pretty close with one of the Liaison’s girls.” “You could say that, yes.” Zachariah watched the man’s reflection in the window as he seemed to consider something carefully.
“That seems… a bit surprising, given the unfortunate situation he got tangled up in.”
“You watch the whole video?”
“Yeah.”
“You see the girl who took a couple lashes for ‘im?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s the girl.”
Logan’s face shifted slowly into a frown, and he clasped his hands behind his back in what Zachariah suspected counted as ‘at ease.’ “I see.”
“Do you, Mr. Howlett?”
“I do. Bonds forged in battle are strong. Some are unbreakable.” He gave a wry chuckle. “They can drive a man to lengths most would never imagine, do things… Yes, I see.”
Zachariah watched Melody glide down the steps of the church and approach the two men. After a brief exchange, Gary hugged her, and kissed the top of her head. Levi helped her into the passenger seat. The truck was rumbling off down the dirt road when Logan spoke again.
“Well… that’s interesting.”
Zachariah looked over to see a slight smile adorning the bigger man’s lips.
Logan turned to face Zachariah. “Does she know?”
Zachariah gave an elaborate shrug. “I imagine they’re all better informed than myself.”
Logan gave another soft chuckle as he looked out the window, nodding. “It was good to meet you, Mr. McClendon. Very good. Insightful.”
Zachariah was sure he saw Logan’s right hand twitch forward, but no handshake was forthcoming. The younger man just nodded, a confident smile on his face, then turned and made his way toward the foyer.
“You be careful out there, Mr. Howlett,” He called after the departing man. “It’s a wild world we’re livin’ in, and one thing you learn fast in a small town; everyone knows everyone else’s business, soon enough.” ----- “So he said yes?”
“No.”
“He said no?!”
“No, he didn't say that, either.”
“...what did he say?!”
Levi glanced over to where Melody was frowning at Ol’ Theseus’ beat up dashboard while he wove the truck between potholes. “He said he was sorry. He said the world’s changing too fast. And he said that I should be good to you.”
“But… What about dating? Did you ask if he was okay with us being together?”
“It… came up.”
“But he didn’t say yes?”
“The yes was implied.”
“Implied?!” Melody gave him a reproachful look. “Isn’t that how we got into this mess? Implications and assumptions?”
“It is…” Levi nodded slowly, brow furrowed. “But… Well, it kind of seemed like he needed some benefit of the doubt, too.”
Melody’s face was still pinched in a worried frown. “Okay, yeah, but… what did he actually say that implied the yes?”
“He said I should take good care of you.” Levi reached over and took her hand in his, bringing it up to kiss the backs of her fingers. “I told him I would.”
Melody’s worried frown melted into a coy smile as Levi kissed her thumb. “Oh… ah… I still think I should talk to him, but…”
“It ain’t a bad idea.” Levi grinned as he released her hand and pulled to a stop in front of the sprawling house. “Talking more never hurt any- Oop, that was quick!”
They both turned at the bang of a screen door to see Rhe’alla bound off the porch of the house, hair flying wildly behind her. Melody scooted into the center seat as she reached the truck and flung the door open.
“Somebody’s in a good mood,” Levi observed with a grin as Rhe’alla clambered into the now empty passenger side of the bench seat.
“Sure am!” Rhe’alla beamed as she pulled the door shut behind her. “I get to hang out with my two favorite people!”
Levi grinned and put the truck into first gear.
“Wait!” Rhe’alla put a hand overtop of Levi’s on the gear shift. “Not yet!”
The two Humans exchanged a puzzled glance.
“Is something wrong?” Melody asked.
“No,” Rha’alla grinned as she leaned across Melody. “I just need to do something first.”
Grabbing his collar, Rhe’alla pulled Levi into a kiss, their lips meeting inches in front of Melody’s face, who gave a squeak of surprise. The Shil’vati girl wove her fingers into his hair as she pressed her lips to his, breaking the kiss with a satisfied sigh as she sat back.
“Wow!” Levi gasped as he settled back in his seat. “That was… wow!”
“Wow, yourself.” Rhe’alla bit her bottom lip with a grin. “You okay, Melody?”
“Fine!” Melody still held herself pressed back into the seat, eyes wide and cheeks pink. “Just a bit sudden, is all.”
“Oh?” Rhe’alla’s grin grew positively fiendish. “Do we need to get you a proximity alarm for kisses?”
“A what?”
Levi’s eyes met Rhe’alla’s, and understanding passed between the two of them. “Oh, that’s a good idea!” His grin matched Rhe’alla’s as he leaned closer. “Maybe it would go aoooga! Aoooga!”
“I think it’ll go Eee-eee-eee!” Rhe’alla said, wiggling her eyebrows.
Melody looked back and forth between the two of them, uncertainty writ across her face. “Guys? What’re you-”
She got no further as both Human and Shil’vati pounced, planting enthusiastic kisses on her cheeks, nose, and neck.
They would later agree that Rhe’alla’s guess had been the closer of the two. ----- Sgt. Maja hummed along with the radio as she stepped back to let another van through the checkpoint. Sunday mornings tended to be busy, but she found that preferable to boredom. Besides, it was nice to see the way Human families held to their religious traditions. Children dressed as small facsimiles of their parents, the women and girls wearing dresses, while the men and boys wore crisply pressed shirts and pants. It wasn’t everyone, of course, but it was still gratifying to see the fabric of the community on display in such a real and tangible way.
“Someone’s awfully chipper today.” Corporal Ri’ved glanced over from the other side of the road. “Hot date last night?”
“Mind your own business, soldier.” Maja waved the next vehicle forward with a grin. “Jealousy is a terrible look on you.”
“It’s bad enough that I have to deal with this love-struck girl.” The corporal jerked a thumb at Private Vasak. “Now I’ve got two podmates going native on me.”
“Three.” Private Dreta murmured next to Maja.
Maja stifled a smile as a battered work van pulled up, and she switched to English. “Good afternoon, sir. May I be having your identification?”
The driver was smiling as he nodded, but there was something about the smile that struck Maja as just a tiny bit… odd.
“Good morning back, Sergeant. Lovely day for martial law!” The man passed a small stack of folded documents through the window. “That’s ID, work permit, travel permit, and registraton for the van. Should be everything you need.”
“Oh!” Maja blinked as she took the sheaf of papers. “Ah… I am not needing all of this. Only the ID.” She plucked the plastic card from the stack and held the rest up for him to retrieve.
He took the papers with a nod. “Of course, ma’am. Just had other people ask for them before, is all.”
Maja gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile as she swiped the ID over the scanner. The profile loaded in the heads-up display of her helmet, and she blinked.
The man in the van looked quite different from the man in the dossier.
Well, not completely different. They both had the same color of hair, though the hair on the man in the photo reached down past his shoulders and covered much of his face. The shape of his head was the same, sort of… and what she could see of his face was similar…
“Sarge?” Dreta murmured at Maja’s elbow. “Everything okay?”
“Maybe… hang on.” Switching back to English, she glanced at the name on the ID and addressed the van driver. “Mr… How-lett, there is being some small… difference in your identification. Could you-”
“It’s the picture, isn’t it?” He rolled his eyes. “Figures. I cut my hair and shave my beard, and you people think I’m a different person.”
“I am not meaning to be bad, Mr. How-lett.” Maja said gently. “I am just being careful.”
Mr. Howlett sighed, letting his head fall back against the seat. “Yes, of course you are. Sorry. I just… yeah. You’re just doing your job. I’m sorry. That was rude.” He gave her a chagrined smile. “You probably think I’m an awful person, don’t you?”
“W-what? No! I am not thinking-”
“Are you going to arrest me?”
“Arrest you?! You have not been doing anything bad!”
“Oh, good!” He let out a huge sigh of relief. “I’ve heard such awful stories! I’m glad you’re one of the good ones, Sergeant. Thank you for everything. You’ve been so nice to me!” He held out a hand, and, after a moment, Maja returned the ID. “Maybe I’ll see you again soon, eh?”
With a wink and a cheery wave, Mr. Howlett put the van into motion, quickly vanishing into the distance.
Maja and Private Dreta slowly turned to look at each other.
“What the fuck just happened?”
“That’s a very good question, Marine.” Maja watched the dust settle on the road as she called up the Human’s face on her helmet’s display. “I think we should call this one in.” ----- Logan tightened his grip on the steering wheel to keep his hands from shaking.
Everything was fine. He was fine. They’d bought it. That he’d been allowed to drive away was proof enough!
Still, that was not what he’d anticipated. Most Eggplants just scanned the ID and handed it back, tongue-tied. An enthusiastic smile had been more than enough to see him through countless checkpoints, but it just had to be this one where some purple bitch actually had her shit squared away.
He’d have to be more careful. Grow a bit of scruff to look more like the ID photo, and definitely avoid the checkpoint as much as possible.
And maybe cut the scope of the mission down…
He sighed. He hated to leave important work undone, especially where it was so sorely needed. And it was needed. These people had fully embraced their oppressors. Their kids were boning the enemy, and the locals gave fuck all! Not so much as a God damned hint of disapproval!
Two hundred thousand years of Human struggle and achievement, all going up in smoke because it was the easier option.
No, he didn’t like it, but it was the safer play. He who fought and ran away lived to fight another day. A strategic withdrawal wasn’t a failure, and a limited victory was better than a pyrrhic one, any day.

So I play Dnd 5e at the game shop with my usual group and our forever DM. Our DM was a good guy but a bit of a softie, which is kind of the problem. We we’re starting up a new campaign so we got an influx of new players. Our party by the end was 8 people. I rolled up a tabaxi monk.
One of the newish players was a MASSIVE Game of Thrones fan. He wore his Targaryen shirt to literally every game. And he rolled up a character that was described as “Jon Snow but less of a cuck”. He was very vocal about his hatred of Season 8. “Jon” was a ranger and a half dragonborn homebrew.
He also went real hard on the backstory. And he demanded that we ALL read it. And one of his key catchphrases was “I DO want it (the throne).” Basically he wanted to be the opposite of season 8 Jon. Instead of being timid and humble, he was cruel and power hungry and fully embraced his Targayren heritage by killing all who stood in his way, ESPECIALLY Danerys (the player HATES Danerys) but including most of his own family, except Arya who was his lover. He made SURE to include plenty of details on that. And to top it off, he even basically rewrote a shitload of the lore of the Forgotten Realms (our setting) to fit his Westerosi backstory. Despite all of this, he listed his alignment as “Lawful Good”.
DM was also a bit taken aback on how much of his lore directly stepped on the toes of the actual game. Like at one point he literally tried to make the BBEG have Targaryen roots so be gently reminded him and said “You know this does take place in the forgotten realms right-a lot of the lore you reference is very specific to A Song of Ice And Fire and Game of Thrones. I don’t mind but I almost certainly won’t be able to incorporate all of this.”
He responded by saying “I’ll make it fit. Don’t worry about it”. DM approved it because well he is very accommodating and admittedly he is a Game of Thrones fan himself (as were most of us) and wanted to see where this went.
The issues started really coming in when the campaign got going. Again, It was set in the Forgotten Realms but “Jon Snow” had other plans. From the get go his whole goal was recruiting an army to sail with him to Westeros. Because apparently Westeros and Faerun are on the same planet according to him. And he viewed us as his recruits as well and he was the main character of the campaign. The BBEG ravaging Chessenta didn’t matter-no, only the Iron Throne.
He would refuse missions that he couldn’t try to twist and make serve his ultimate goal that again, was all about Westeros and a bunch of Game of Thrones lore that had nothing to do with the campaign. And he would constantly go on and on about his fanfic backstory and how much he missed Arya and all the graphic sexual things he wanted to do with her again.
We generally went along with it but one day when an NPC sent us to go on a rescue quest for a queen to save her daughter. This queen had already turned him down on his Westeros conquest goal, so he said “She is NOT my queen and I will not serve her. She needs to mind her tongue around her king unless it's used to service my cock!” I finally said “We’re doing this side quest. You’re outvoted bro.” So he said “Fuck this!” and ran off-leaving us to do the mission while he dipped for like two sessions.
When he came back, he claimed he found a magic item that would grant him control of wights that he could defeat in battle so he could turn one of his greatest enemies into his asset. He really just pulled this out of his ass. The DM said “No, that’s too OP for a player to just homebrew offscreen”.
He got really butthurt after that and he became increasingly frustrated with the pace of the game. He would increasingly become more and more of a murderhobo–killing random people who “disrespected the king of Westeros” or if they had something he wanted that he didn’t wanna pay or quest for. He would complain to the DM about the pace of the game and why it was taking too long to find badass magic items or recruits for his army. And he had even less tolerance now for any other party member or their stories.
I remember one time he legit told another party member (elf cleric) after she was telling the party about her tribe and how it was destroyed by the BBEG’s demon knights. She admittedly did go on for a long time about it and Jon’s player was getting bored so “Jon” said “Oh my god nobody cares about how many elf peasants got skullfucked by some demon knights. We have more pressing matters to attend to!” And she scoffed and said “Like your incest fanfic backstory that has literally nothing to do with the campaign.”
He then got REALLY pissed off and said “I stab her in the fucking throat!” DM then said “Alright that’s enough. Jon, you can’t do that” and he said “Why not!?!” and DM said “Because you are clearly pissed off and metagaming. This campaign is not all about you. So chill out!” He then left again for another two sessions and then came back and tried to sneak another OP homebrewed magic item into his inventory-to which DM promptly removed it and warned him “Do that again and you’re out for good.”
Well it didn’t come to that cause, eventually he did end up coming to a point where his shenanigans got him killed. We met this NPC in a shack in Adder Swamp. This NPC was a collector who had found a magic light sword that could deal subtle damage to hordes of creatures at the same time. He didn't know how to use it but was keeping it for his collection. Jon asked how much it was and the NPC refused to sell it. He said “Nothing you have is of enough value to me. The only thing I care about more than my collection is my wife and she disappeared 40 years ago.”
Jon then grabbed him and said “Listen peasant! Your wife probably ran off to gargle on some other dude’s balls! Now give me the goddamn sword or else I’ll shove MY sword straight up your fat ass!” We begged him to stop and that we couldn’t support him in this because we thought the guy was dangerous (he was) and it went against our morals but he kept going and rolled an intimidation check and crit failed.
The NPC then just looked at him and gave him a death stare as we now could see that he was a Death Hag as we stared deep into his fiendish eyes and watched his body transform and the DM told us to roll initiative. We were level four. The Death Hag attacked Jon with his scythe and landed a devastating blow. When we got to our turn, we immediately fled (and took a near deadly amount of opportunity attacks). Jon then tried and failed to flee as well and got downed. The hag then took him and threw him out into the swamp and the DM gave him a chance to roll death saves. He failed them.
Jon’s player then got extremely angry again and got into a major argument with the DM. He said “That was bullshit and you know it! You just wanted me dead because you didn’t know what to do with my character and his story!” He also said “Jon has been resurrected before so he is coming back next session!” DM denied this demand as they went back and forth and got more and more heated. At one point, Jon’s player started yelling at us (the party) for not having his back and tried to argue that we could have beaten him if we (the party) didn’t pussy out. DM told him to lay off of us as he was now getting pretty mad himself (understandably). The argument ended with the player in a state of temper tantrum as he stormed out of the store.
That was 4 (about 5 now) weeks ago. And since then he has been on our group Discord begging us to play again and being apologetic on one hand but on the other claiming he is gonna “burn this world to the ground” or trying to guilt trip the DM for not incorporating his backstory into the world enough to which oddly enough, DM conceded on. I get the sense the DM is gonna let him come back as he has gone from “No.” to “You need to take a break” to “If I did let you back, things are gonna have to change”. I feel like he is going to show up, and DM is just gonna let him back in. So yeah. That’s where we’re at right now.
tldr Player tries to make Dnd fit his Game of Thrones fanfiction as he ignores the lore of the setting and the other players. Throws a temper tantrum when dies.

Part 65 Effective weapon systems (Part 1) (Part 64) (Part 66)
[This is my Ko-fi (kinda like Patreon) if you want to show some support]
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Not even two full months had passed since US President William Carnegie and General of the Army Robert Andrews had been alerted to a strange energy reading from Jupiter orbit related to a faster than light travel experiment MarsGov had conducted but now the world around them was now changing faster than either could have ever imagined. Where the former was now reeling from the sudden and completely unpredictable turn of events, struggling to maintain his composure in the face of what some in the media were calling the first successful invasion on American soil in hundreds of years, the later was only experiencing difficulties in the transition into his new role as a United Human Defense Fleet Councilmember. Despite the fact that the supposed invasion would be better described as a humanitarian aid mission, something that Carnegie knew to be true but would never admit in public, and was restricted to just a few square mile area far enough from any population centers to be threatening, it was still a stain on the records of both men. Though the United States had long lost its position as the sole global hegemon back in the 2050s, nearly two-hundred years ago by this point in history, the nation of guns, military bravado, and an undying need to carry the biggest stick have never truly lost touch of itself. So when the utterly devastating assaults on the UHI headquarters near Chicago and the ConSec facility at Red Lake, both the media and public at large were eagerly awaiting the fireworks. However, much to the disappointment of the corporations and military industrial complex who sought to claim the unknown weapons technologies for their own, the only real choice was to negotiate with these humans born on another world.
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Though many could have chastised the President, the Army, and the entire United States military for their seemingly lax response to what had been branded by some as a land seizure, very few people in Sol truly understood the capabilities of the Nishnabe Militia. Those humans stolen from the Eastern Woodlands of North America over a millennia ago had come home to find the vast majority of their closest kin, along with the all of Native American Nations, exiled to Mars. That was something that nearly every single person throughout the entire Sol System knew. However, what most people failed to grasp was just how far the Nishnabe technology had progressed beyond their own. Despite the establishment of nearly two hundred space stations and extraterrestrial colonies since the 2050s, a method of faster than light communications being discovered on Mars just over fifty years ago, and dozens of other developments which culminated in human as a whole Ascending to galactic stage, those descendants of abducted Native Americans were still so much further ahead that the average person simply couldn’t fathom the differences.
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One of the many things that military and political leaders across the world had discovered over the past several weeks, but what none would publicly admit, was that the Nishnabe Militia wielded the capacity to override and control every single piece of the autonomous or integrate combat equipment which had become the standard for almost all of humanity. What the public at large simply could not know was that only the oldest, simplest, or decommissioned weapons systems had any hope of functioning if pointed at the Nishnabe. There was simply nothing the President could do besides have General Andrews's replacement, along with the other heads of the various military branches, to ready whatever aged and often decrepit system they could in order to at least pretend like they were doing something. Despite being willing to allow the Nishnabe to establish a base at the site of a now defunct corporation who attacked them, Carnegie was not willing to tolerate a member of his own extended family being arrested. Even after reading the charges, knowing his that cousin would stoop to such lows, and with the understanding that an attack in the Nishnabe would be considered a declaration of war that he would almost immediately lose, the US President was still on the verge of ordering a retaliatory strike when his desperate calls to his former General of the Army were finally returned.
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“Well, hey there, Bill. Long time, no see.” Though it felt a bit strange for General Robert Andrews to greet his former Commander and Chief in such an informal manner, the more he had learned about the galaxy at large, the less he cared about unnecessary formalities. “What can I do for you?”
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“Cut the shit, Rob. I know you and Tom have both been avoiding my calls.” Just a few short months ago, President Carnegie would have been elated to see a member of his Joint Chiefs of Staff so happy. However, considering everything that had transpired since the former Army General had left his post to join the United Human Defense Force, Bill now took Rob's smile as an insult. “What the hell happened to my cousin?”
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“Every member of the Pfizer, Merck, and Co. board has been arrested for conspiracy to commit biological warfare against the Nishnabe Militia's peacekeeping force.”
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“Those are bullshit, fabricated charges and you know it!” Where Carnegie had resorted to yelling, General Andrews was maintaining his cool as if this were just another friendly call. “The Nishnabe are planning to take back the US and they're eliminating everyone in the way! Just admit it, you-”
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“I have irrefutable evidence, a former Raider who was kidnapped and forced to be a plague rat, and the logs of their communications confirming the conspiracy.” Rob let his smile fade as he quickly typed a few commands into his holographic keyboard he had installed to help transition him over to galactic standard technologies. “I'm pretty sure I'm sending you the relevant information so you can see for yourself. The Nishnabe computer systems are a bit different from ours and I’m still getting used to them, so you might get some pictures my niece sent me of her new puppy. But believe me Bill, it really is better that Maser caught this before it got out of hand. They infected a former Raider with weaponized smallpox and sent him to infiltrate Red Lake. You know how many civilians are going through there! Imagine what would have happened to your approval rating if it got out that your cousin and one of the corporations that sponsored your campaign were willing to risk an epidemic just to spite the Nishnabe.”
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“God damn it, Rob! I've already seen the evidence and I don't care!” Carnegie pounded on his desk in a fit of rage. “I don't want those savages executing my cousin!”
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“Calm down, Bill! No one's getting executed. You have my personal guarantee of that.” Though General Andrews had seen the President this angry before, he knew he struck a nerve with his comment about approval ratings, and was willing to cut the man he still considered a friend some slack. “How about this? I'll arrange for him to give you a call. There's already a team of UN-E legal observers on the ship the Nishnabe are using to hold the people awaiting trial, so it shouldn't be too hard.”
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“You should be able to check his current status as a prisoner.” A feminine and somewhat sing-songy voice chimed in from a source Carnegie couldn't see through his screen and spoke in Nishnabemwin, which was instantly translated into English. “And if he's working right now, then there's a good chance you can even bring up and share the live surveillance footage.”
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“Who's that there with you?” Carnegie barked out the question with more vitriol than he had intended. “And what do you mean by ‘if he's working?’”
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“Oh, this is Nashka. She's been helping me better understand Nishnabe technology, particularly their mechs.” Rob explained while sliding back in his chair a bit to give space for the young woman who had been standing out of frame to step forward. “Say hello to the President of the United States of America while you show me how to give him access to that live feed of his cousin, Nashka.”
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“This isn't the person who stole my cousin's land from them and forced them onto that dead world, is it?” Though the beautiful young woman with rainbow eyes and three thin, similarly iridescent lines running down her chin had a somewhat harsh inflection to her voice, she shot a slight and polite smile towards the man on Andrews's screen before she started typing in several commands into the keyboard.
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“No, Nashka. It was President Heller who signed the law disbanding Native Nations. But that was over almost eighty years ago now, and she passed away forty years ago.”
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“Nashka, was it?” As Carnegie spoke up, he took up a much softer and far less angry tone. Even if he was still quite mad at the situation he found himself in, he knew better than to yell at a young woman whom he had never met before. “I know this may not mean much, but I do believe my predecessor made an egregious mistake by petitioning the US Congress to disband the many Native American Nations in this country. If I could undo that decision, I would.”
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“Well, in that case, you can give my cousins their land back, right?” Nashka wasn't naive enough to believe something like that was as simple as she made it sound, but that wasn't the point. Rather, it was the lesser of the sassy comments that came to her mind before she pressed the button to activate the screen sharing. “But, anyways, here's your cousin. Looks like they got him cleaning up after the dogs we've been adopting.”
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“Your people are making him pick up dog shit?!?” While that certainly wasn't the worst punishment he could imagine, Carnegie was genuinely shocked to see the feed on his screen change to show a downward angle of his cousin walking around with a scooper in what appeared to be a grassy field. “Huh… I remember when he demanded my aunt and uncle get him a dog, and then he refused to actually clean up after it. I'm not gonna lie to you… This would be funny as hell if I wasn't still worried about your people executing him.”
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“Pffft!” The sound of stifled laughter slipped through the rainbow eyed woman's lips as she shook her head and gave a quick explanation before backing back out of frame. “We don't execute people unless they've burned through every single chance we give them. Which is usually a lot. And we aren't about to give any of these greedy bastards an opportunity to fuck around and find out. So, your cousin should be safe enough.”
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“Speaking of fucking around…” Seeing as his former Commander and Chief had properly calmed down enough to have a slight smirk on his face, Rob decided it was time to move on to the reason he had actually answered the call this time. “Now that I have you here, Bill, the other UHDF Councilmembers and I have been discussing some things. Particularly, the fact that neither you nor the people of Earth have really had a proper demonstration of what the Nishnabe weapons are capable of.”
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“What are you-” The smile that had slowly crept onto Carnegie's face while watching his snobby cousin finally learn the meaning of hard work almost immediately vanished and a twinkle of fear appeared in his eyes.
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“I didn't mean that as a threat, Bill.” General Andrews cut the President off with a chuckle and wave of his hand. “The Nishnabe love their guns just as much as us Americans. And the warriors stationed at Red Lake are getting bored just sitting around. How would you feel about a friendly weapons demonstration so the public can see some fireworks without anyone getting hurt?”
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“No, I'm telling you that this wouldn't be a particularly effective or efficient piece of equipment.” Walking into the Kokoji-Wango's mech bay, Mik was confused by the argument he had stumbled upon. On one side, the massive bear-like being he had met yesterday was looking over a whiteboard-sized screen that had what appeared to be a gatling gun on it, and on the other stood his rather short and tattooed covered Swedish friend.
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“What do you mean by ‘wouldn't be particularly effective’?!?” It was clear from the tone of Skol’s voice and the way his arms were folded that he was perturbed by the alien bear’s assessment of the weapon system being discussed. “This GAU-40 fires fifteen centimeter rounds that weigh seventy-five grams and travel at over twenty-five hundred meters per second! And it fires four thousand of them per second!”
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“And how much ammo does it carry?”
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“That drum holds twelve thousand rounds.”
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“Ok, so, this weapon can fire for three seconds before it's out of ammo?” Banitek put his lower two hands on his hips and crossed his upper two arms while a smug look came across his furry, short, ursine face. “And how much does it cost to fire off all of those rounds? Tell me, you have never actually designed a truly efficient combat system, have you?”
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“Neither have you, Bani!” A high pitched and squeaky voice chimed in and drew Mik's attention towards a smokey portion of the mech bay where he saw Tens, Binko, and one of the Kyim’ayik, the extraterrestrial beaver-otter beings, relaxing.
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“Shut up, Hompta!” The Hi-Koth retorted without even looking over towards the group in their smoking corner. “Those Thunder Hammers are a work of genius, just ask the Qui’ztar. Besides, weren’t you the one to put together these absolutely absurd abominations?”
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“Hey now, what's wrong with my mechs?” Seeing as no one had noticed him entering the bay, Mik interjected himself into the banter with a sarcastically offended inflection. “I spent a lot of money on ‘em thangs, man!”
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“Oh, good, Mountain, you’re finally here.” Skol acknowledged his bearded and burly friend with a nod before turning his gaze back up at the rather imposing being who had been caught off guard by the new person entering the discussion. “Please inform Banitek here that our gatling guns are, in fact, highly effective and efficient systems.”
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“I mean…” Mik let out a hearty chuckle as he approached the group of people passing around a smoldering pipe instead of the two locked in a heated debate. “The big guy did make a good point ‘bout ammo capacity. But instead o’ arguin’, why doncha two figure out a way to make ‘em better, huh? Smaller, higher velocity rounds an’ a high capacity drum would be perdy damn good, doncha think? Maybe put some antimatter ‘r some shit in ‘em!”
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“Yeah, Bani!” As Hompta spoke out again, the way he did so forced a smile on the faces of the three humans in the room. “You're a weapons designer! Make an antimatter spitter! It can't be that hard.”
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“Eat a weenuk, Hompta!” The giant mass of fur rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I'm a Smithy, I make metalworking now!”
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“Hey, Mik.” Tens’s eyes were nearly as red as a Qui’ztar’s as he passed his pipe to the man who was now standing next to him. “You've met Hompta and Banitek, right?”
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“Yeah, Hompta helped me put together my mechs an’ I met the big guy yesterday.” Mik answered while taking the pipe and bringing it up to his lips. However, before he could take a puff, he locked eyes with Nishnabe friends and let out a deep chuckle. “An’ how much have you already smoked, niji? Yahr eyes're glowin!”
​
“I'm finally off duty, so I’m enjoying myself, niji!” With a covert reveal of a large bag full of green and purple flowers, Tens shot Mik a wink before cracking up in wildly uncontrolled laughter. “And this stuff is really good. It smells like dead ass but it tastes as sweet as can be.”
​
“Before you get baked out of your mind, Mountain…” Skol attempted to redirect Mik's attention towards the massive screen that he and Banitek were standing in front of. “Why don't you help us work through integrating Sol weapon systems with the BD-series mechs?”
​
“Why can't I do both?” Mik countered then pursed his lips and released a consecutive series of well formed smoke rings. “Hell, takin’ a toke might make y'all fuckin’ chill a bit! Why the hell were yah two yellin’ when I walked in?”
​
“Skol wanted to find ways for BDs to utilize your people's weapon systems, so I asked him to show me some of the best you've developed.” Banitek answered in such a way that implied he was genuinely apologetic for letting the discussion get as heated as it had. “And… Well… He showed me this thing you call a ‘g’-’ou’ forty. Needless to say, I have never seen anything quite like this before, and I don't understand how this could ever be considered a viable weapons system.”
​
“I mean… Did yah watch any o’ the videos o’ that thang pissin’ lead?”
​
“That… Is actually a good idea…” Immediately, the look on Skol’s face became slightly embarrassed as he quickly began typing in commands into one side of the massive screen he and Banitek were standing in front of. “This can play sounds right, Banitek?”
​
“Uh… It should…” The four-armed bear had a curious, if slightly unconvinced, expression on his face. “But I don't see how-”
​
BBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!!!
​
The ear-shattering noise which suddenly began echoing through the bay caused everyone unfamiliar with how gatling guns worked to flinch as shock filled their faces. It was one thing to read a description of a weapon being capable of firing a few thousand, seventy-five grams projectiles per second and a totally different thing to hear what it actually sounded like. Even if the energy of each individual projectile was only up to the standards of a rapidly fired shot from the oversized mag-slings that were considered the most basic form of weapon a BD-series could utilize, adding a zero to the end of the fire rate would certainly cause an increase to the damage potential. Despite the dramatically higher weight and far shorter time-to-empty of this GAU-40 system, the shriek emanating from the large screen as it played a video of the gun firing immediately changed Banitek's perspective of it. If nothing else, the man could admit hearing that terrifying noise on a battlefield could, in and of itself, serve as a weapon of psychological warfare.
​
“By the Old Gods, why does it sound like a Nukatov roaring but angrier?!?” Bani had used all four of his paw-like hands to cover his ears.
​
“Now imagine that, but with either high-explosive or armor penetrating rounds.” Skol motioned to the portion of the screen showing the video while a wide and devious smirk formed on his tattoo covered face. “And tell me again how this wouldn't be an effective weapon system.”
(Next)

So I play Dnd 5e at the game shop with my usual group and our forever DM. Our DM was a good guy but a bit of a softie, which is kind of the problem. We we’re starting up a new campaign so we got an influx of new players. Our party by the end was 8 people. I rolled up a tabaxi monk.
One of the newish players was a MASSIVE Game of Thrones fan. He wore his Targaryen shirt to literally every game. And he rolled up a character that was described as “Jon Snow but less of a cuck”. He was very vocal about his hatred of Season 8. “Jon” was a ranger and a half dragonborn homebrew.
He also went real hard on the backstory. And he demanded that we ALL read it. And one of his key catchphrases was “I DO want it (the throne).” Basically he wanted to be the opposite of season 8 Jon. Instead of being timid and humble, he was cruel and power hungry and fully embraced his Targayren heritage by killing all who stood in his way, ESPECIALLY Danerys (the player HATES Danerys) but including most of his own family, except Arya who was his lover. He made SURE to include plenty of details on that. And to top it off, he even basically rewrote a shitload of the lore of the Forgotten Realms (our setting) to fit his Westerosi backstory. Despite all of this, he listed his alignment as “Lawful Good”.
DM was also a bit taken aback on how much of his lore directly stepped on the toes of the actual game. Like at one point he literally tried to make the BBEG have Targaryen roots so be gently reminded him and said “You know this does take place in the forgotten realms right-a lot of the lore you reference is very specific to A Song of Ice And Fire and Game of Thrones. I don’t mind but I almost certainly won’t be able to incorporate all of this.”
He responded by saying “I’ll make it fit. Don’t worry about it”. DM approved it because well he is very accommodating and admittedly he is a Game of Thrones fan himself (as were most of us) and wanted to see where this went.
The issues started really coming in when the campaign got going. Again, It was set in the Forgotten Realms but “Jon Snow” had other plans. From the get go his whole goal was recruiting an army to sail with him to Westeros. Because apparently Westeros and Faerun are on the same planet according to him. And he viewed us as his recruits as well and he was the main character of the campaign. The BBEG ravaging Chessenta didn’t matter-no, only the Iron Throne.
He would refuse missions that he couldn’t try to twist and make serve his ultimate goal that again, was all about Westeros and a bunch of Game of Thrones lore that had nothing to do with the campaign. And he would constantly go on and on about his fanfic backstory and how much he missed Arya and all the graphic sexual things he wanted to do with her again.
We generally went along with it but one day when an NPC sent us to go on a rescue quest for a queen to save her daughter. This queen had already turned him down on his Westeros conquest goal, so he said “She is NOT my queen and I will not serve her. She needs to mind her tongue around her king unless it's used to service my cock!” I finally said “We’re doing this side quest. You’re outvoted bro.” So he said “Fuck this!” and ran off-leaving us to do the mission while he dipped for like two sessions.
When he came back, he claimed he found a magic item that would grant him control of wights that he could defeat in battle so he could turn one of his greatest enemies into his asset. He really just pulled this out of his ass. The DM said “No, that’s too OP for a player to just homebrew offscreen”.
He got really butthurt after that and he became increasingly frustrated with the pace of the game. He would increasingly become more and more of a murderhobo–killing random people who “disrespected the king of Westeros” or if they had something he wanted that he didn’t wanna pay or quest for. He would complain to the DM about the pace of the game and why it was taking too long to find badass magic items or recruits for his army. And he had even less tolerance now for any other party member or their stories.
I remember one time he legit told another party member (elf cleric) after she was telling the party about her tribe and how it was destroyed by the BBEG’s demon knights. She admittedly did go on for a long time about it and Jon’s player was getting bored so “Jon” said “Oh my god nobody cares about how many elf peasants got skullfucked by some demon knights. We have more pressing matters to attend to!” And she scoffed and said “Like your incest fanfic backstory that has literally nothing to do with the campaign.”
He then got REALLY pissed off and said “I stab her in the fucking throat!” DM then said “Alright that’s enough. Jon, you can’t do that” and he said “Why not!?!” and DM said “Because you are clearly pissed off and metagaming. This campaign is not all about you. So chill out!” He then left again for another two sessions and then came back and tried to sneak another OP homebrewed magic item into his inventory-to which DM promptly removed it and warned him “Do that again and you’re out for good.”
Well it didn’t come to that cause, eventually he did end up coming to a point where his shenanigans got him killed. We met this NPC in a shack in Adder Swamp. This NPC was a collector who had found a magic light sword that could deal subtle damage to hordes of creatures at the same time. He didn't know how to use it but was keeping it for his collection. Jon asked how much it was and the NPC refused to sell it. He said “Nothing you have is of enough value to me. The only thing I care about more than my collection is my wife and she disappeared 40 years ago.”
Jon then grabbed him and said “Listen peasant! Your wife probably ran off to gargle on some other dude’s balls! Now give me the goddamn sword or else I’ll shove MY sword straight up your fat ass!” We begged him to stop and that we couldn’t support him in this because we thought the guy was dangerous (he was) and it went against our morals but he kept going and rolled an intimidation check and crit failed.
The NPC then just looked at him and gave him a death stare as we now could see that he was a Death Hag as we stared deep into his fiendish eyes and watched his body transform and the DM told us to roll initiative. We were level four. The Death Hag attacked Jon with his scythe and landed a devastating blow. When we got to our turn, we immediately fled (and took a near deadly amount of opportunity attacks). Jon then tried and failed to flee as well and got downed. The hag then took him and threw him out into the swamp and the DM gave him a chance to roll death saves. He failed them.
Jon’s player then got extremely angry again and got into a major argument with the DM. He said “That was bullshit and you know it! You just wanted me dead because you didn’t know what to do with my character and his story!” He also said “Jon has been resurrected before so he is coming back next session!” DM denied this demand as they went back and forth and got more and more heated. At one point, Jon’s player started yelling at us (the party) for not having his back and tried to argue that we could have beaten him if we (the party) didn’t pussy out. DM told him to lay off of us as he was now getting pretty mad himself (understandably). The argument ended with the player in a state of temper tantrum as he stormed out of the store.
That was 4 weeks ago. And since then he has been on our group Discord begging us to play again and being apologetic on one hand but on the other claiming he is gonna “burn this world to the ground” or trying to guilt trip the DM for not incorporating his backstory into the world enough to which oddly enough, DM conceded on. I get the sense the DM is gonna let him come back as he has gone from “No.” to “You need to take a break” to “If I did let you back, things are gonna have to change”. I feel like he is going to show up, and DM is just gonna let him back in. So yeah. That’s where we’re at right now.
tldr Player tries to make Dnd fit his Game of Thrones fanfiction as he ignores the lore of the setting and the other players. Throws a temper tantrum when dies.

Why does God hate me?
To be clear, no, I don't truly believe that God hates me. Logically, we know this is wrong, as God would not allow something to exist that He hates or does not love, and because goodness is to some degree in all things, God therefore loves everything. And in scripture, God declared His love for humanity (Genesis 1:26-31). Yet, in our emotions we can to some degree reveal reality. For instance, when we are sad, it usually means something is wrong with our circumstances, or when we are angry there is an injustice, or when we are happy, there is goodness in our lives. At the present moment, my emotional state reflects the idea that God hates me.
Now, I'll try to explain my situation. I was born with ADHD, and in my younger years in elementary school (1st-7th grade) I experienced a problem: I was too hyperactive to concentrate and my grades were plummeting. So the natural course of action was to have me diagnosed and to have me on medication. Come 2nd grade, this occurred, and I was prescribed Adderal. For those of you that don't know, Adderal has a deep history inside Nazi Germany for being used to keep soldiers awake and fighting. Now, it is used in and outside of medicine to effect a hyper-focused state. This came with side affects, the prominent one being that I would lose any initiative or want to socialize in school.
EDIT: I was wrong about the nazi part of adderall, mb
Due to the side effect of not socializing, I became a very quiet kid, having no friends and very sparingly speaking. Through this, I was alienated by my peers as the "weird kid." Now, you might be thinking, "Boo hoo, it's just elementary school, who gives a crap," but that's not the point. The Adderall led me to become socially inept, developing hardly any social skills, and now it was time for High School (My state starts highschool in 8th grade).
In 8th grade, I tried my absolute hardest to make friends, even while on Adderall. And, wonderfully, I sort of did. I made a group of ok-ish, immature friends and made it through 8th grade pretty well. Though this was during COVID, so I never saw those in-school friends in my little 8th grade lunch school outside of school or hung out with them. It was during this year that I also had a conversion to Christ.
Come 9th grade, things switched. Most of my favorite friends in that group dispersed into other groups, leaving me behind with some less-than-ok people. But my best friend was also apart of the friend group, so it was a little better. A little later he would find a new friend group of his own and began to sit at lunch with them, and I, hoping to make new and better friends, followed him. In short, they treated me like shit. They practically ostracized me, and I had pretty much just my best friend and couple other guys that also followed him. They would never invite me to things, and my best friend would begin to hang out with them instead of me, so I spent most of my freshman year socially alone, incapable of really making new friends because of my social ability (or a lack of any). In 9th grade I also met a girl, who I would spend countless time obsessing over, and it led me down a dark path. She would manipulate me for attention and often would leave me emotionally drained, and this would begin the decline in my mental health.
The summer of 10th grade comes around and me and her got into a fight, and we were off for now. Then, I also began to become aware of my social ineptness and opted to get rid of my Adderall, going completely cold turkey. This would have drastic consequences, sending my brain into a chemical imbalance that would further my mental decline. Come 10th grade, I had enough of the way those guys were treating me, and tried to go back to my old lunch group. Shortly after arriving, they began denigrating me, for what reasons I still don't know, but it fucked me up. They would verbally harass me and fuck with me, sometimes even throwing food at me. Mind you, some new kids were at this table, as the friend group had begun to change a little, and they took great pleasure in using me as a punching bag.
Fast forward to mid 10th grade, I resolved my situation with that girl and we were speaking again, and borderline dating at that. But she lied to me, and left me for another guy (lets call him Brandon), who coincidentally began hating me as soon as she did so. He also goes to my school. Funnily enough, all the guys at my lunch table were also friends with him, and as my mental health worsened they began to hate me more for my constant being a downer. So, they left and went to his lunch table. But they left me with 3 of the most unlinked people of the original friend group, who were so disliked they weren't given a spot at the new table with Brandon. Those 3 kids, for the rest of the year, continued to denigrate me and further my mental downslide.
In the middle of 10th grade, I had gotten a therapist, but shit was barely getting better. I rarely hung out with people, so I still was socially awkward. But fast forward to 11th grade year, shit changed (again). Those 3 guys left for the other table, and I was alone. So I went back to my best friend. By now, I had reconciled with many of the guys and was (sort of) friends with them again. So, I went to their table (the one with Brandon.) By now, Brandon was beyond done with that girl that fucked me over - she was a thing of the past. But the guy still hated me, and he didn't even know me. And it made some other guys at the table hate me too, and they didn't even know me either. But now, I had nowhere else to go. I was locked.
But I was kind of OK with it. I had my best friend and this new girlfriend I'd met. She was everything to me, my world. She was the happiness in my life when everything else was wrong. But she broke up with me, leaving me with almost nothing. Fast forward to today, I am still at that lunch table, surrounded by shitty people who denigrate me.
TLDR: High school sucks and its fucking me up mentally and I feel like all of life is gonna be hell, and I feel like God hates me because He keeps punishing me and blessing those who persecute me.
No, I don't believe my suffering is ANYWHERE comparable to what others may be experiencing in their lives that is probably more severe, but I am suffering and am desperate for advice and help. Don't just say "well, it could be worse," yes, it could, but either way I;m still in pain. This isn't a pity party - I just want advice:
What now? I feel God hates me. I feel like I am worth nothing, and have no hope. What do I do? I feel like if my ex saw me today and how I turned out, she would laugh at me and pity me. What am I supposed to do and make of this? Does God hate me?

To be clear, no, I don't truly believe that God hates me. Logically, we know this is wrong, as God would not allow something to exist that He hates or does not love, and because goodness is to some degree in all things, God therefore loves everything. And in scripture, God declared His love for humanity (Genesis 1:26-31). Yet, in our emotions we can to some degree reveal reality. For instance, when we are sad, it usually means something is wrong with our circumstances, or when we are angry there is an injustice, or when we are happy, there is goodness in our lives. At the present moment, my emotional state reflects the idea that God hates me.
Now, I'll try to explain my situation. I was born with ADHD, and in my younger years in elementary school (1st-7th grade) I experienced a problem: I was too hyperactive to concentrate and my grades were plummeting. So the natural course of action was to have me diagnosed and to have me on medication. Come 2nd grade, this occurred, and I was prescribed Adderal. For those of you that don't know, Adderal has a deep history inside Nazi Germany for being used to keep soldiers awake and fighting. Now, it is used in and outside of medicine to effect a hyper-focused state. This came with side affects, the prominent one being that I would lose any initiative or want to socialize in school.
Due to the side effect of not socializing, I became a very quiet kid, having no friends and very sparingly speaking. Through this, I was alienated by my peers as the "weird kid." Now, you might be thinking, "Boo hoo, it's just elementary school, who gives a crap," but that's not the point. The Adderall led me to become socially inept, developing hardly any social skills, and now it was time for High School (My state starts highschool in 8th grade).
In 8th grade, I tried my absolute hardest to make friends, even while on Adderall. And, wonderfully, I sort of did. I made a group of ok-ish, immature friends and made it through 8th grade pretty well. Though this was during COVID, so I never saw those in-school friends in my little 8th grade lunch school outside of school or hung out with them. It was during this year that I also had a conversion to Christ.
Come 9th grade, things switched. Most of my favorite friends in that group dispersed into other groups, leaving me behind with some less-than-ok people. But my best friend was also apart of the friend group, so it was a little better. A little later he would find a new friend group of his own and began to sit at lunch with them, and I, hoping to make new and better friends, followed him. In short, they treated me like shit. They practically ostracized me, and I had pretty much just my best friend and couple other guys that also followed him. They would never invite me to things, and my best friend would begin to hang out with them instead of me, so I spent most of my freshman year socially alone, incapable of really making new friends because of my social ability (or a lack of any). In 9th grade I also met a girl, who I would spend countless time obsessing over, and it led me down a dark path. She would manipulate me for attention and often would leave me emotionally drained, and this would begin the decline in my mental health.
The summer of 10th grade comes around and me and her got into a fight, and we were off for now. Then, I also began to become aware of my social ineptness and opted to get rid of my Adderall, going completely cold turkey. This would have drastic consequences, sending my brain into a chemical imbalance that would further my mental decline. Come 10th grade, I had enough of the way those guys were treating me, and tried to go back to my old lunch group. Shortly after arriving, they began denigrating me, for what reasons I still don't know, but it fucked me up. They would verbally harass me and fuck with me, sometimes even throwing food at me. Mind you, some new kids were at this table, as the friend group had begun to change a little, and they took great pleasure in using me as a punching bag.
Fast forward to mid 10th grade, I resolved my situation with that girl and we were speaking again, and borderline dating at that. But she lied to me, and left me for another guy (lets call him Brandon), who coincidentally began hating me as soon as she did so. He also goes to my school. Funnily enough, all the guys at my lunch table were also friends with him, and as my mental health worsened they began to hate me more for my constant being a downer. So, they left and went to his lunch table. But they left me with 3 of the most unlinked people of the original friend group, who were so disliked they weren't given a spot at the new table with Brandon. Those 3 kids, for the rest of the year, continued to denigrate me and further my mental downslide.
In the middle of 10th grade, I had gotten a therapist, but shit was barely getting better. I rarely hung out with people, so I still was socially awkward. But fast forward to 11th grade year, shit changed (again). Those 3 guys left for the other table, and I was alone. So I went back to my best friend. By now, I had reconciled with many of the guys and was (sort of) friends with them again. So, I went to their table (the one with Brandon.) By now, Brandon was beyond done with that girl that fucked me over - she was a thing of the past. But the guy still hated me, and he didn't even know me. And it made some other guys at the table hate me too, and they didn't even know me either. But now, I had nowhere else to go. I was locked.
But I was kind of OK with it. I had my best friend and this new girlfriend I'd met. She was everything to me, my world. She was the happiness in my life when everything else was wrong. But she broke up with me, leaving me with almost nothing. Fast forward to today, I am still at that lunch table, surrounded by shitty people who denigrate me.
I have nowhere I can go. I have few (if any) friends, and my only happiness in my life is gone now. I have barely anything keeping me sane, simply just my new youth group and working out. I have greatly improved in my social abilities since 8th grade, being much more easygoing and approachable. But still, I am surrounded with people who are hurting me, and I can do nothing.
TLDR: I feel like God hates me because everything sucks.
Here's the point: How then, can you tell me, God loves me, when all he allows in my life it seems is suffering, and blesses those who persecute me?

I figured to try and have a conversation on here relating the the actual depth of the music, and what seems to be the most plausible meanings. I’m seeing way too many fans in general misinterpret lyrics blatantly. Also seeing way too many fans claim this entire album is about Mac. Y’all need to let this girl move on. Genuinely, imagine how it would feel to constantly see “he was her soulmate” “she’ll never find a love like Mac” “this song is about Mac” etc. She’s been through enough bad crap in the past 4 years to have enough material to write about. Y’all making songs that are 1000% about Dalton and trying to make them about Mac is so entirely disrespectful to Ariana. Anyways, let’s dive into the album, song by song. I want this to be a discussion. If you interpret a line or song a different way, please reply. I think we can find true meanings better with a conversation.

1. intro (end of the world)

I think this song is very obvious by the lyrics what it was about. She was having doubts about her marriage to Dalton, and doubting if he truly loves her and prioritizes her. When she refers to “he” it’s about meeting Ethan. When she refers to you, she is talking about Dalton.

1. bye

This is about her leaving Dalton, and choosing to get divorced. She off the bat mentions being a “hostage to these tears”, and “moving through her fears”. This calls to the interview she did with Zach where she talks about her parents divorcing and holding on the the dream of a fairytale ending, one time marriage, but learning from her mother it’s okay to move on and do what you need to do for yourself. I think she did want to truly make it work with Dalton, but as we hear later, he put in no effort until she was done trying. “I’m takin’ what’s mine” thank god for the prenuptial agreement. “Didn’t think you’d lose me, now it’s just too late to chose me”. Like mentioned earlier, Dalton wasn’t attempting to mend their relationship when they were separated. I think once May came around, when they attempted to get together again, she knew it didn’t feel right and felt he should fought for her sooner and not wait 3 months.

1. don’t wanna break up again

Now we get deeper into the issues of their relationship. That whole first verse is extremely telling. “I go to sleep crying. You turn up the tv. You don’t wanna hear me. One more sleepless night”. Ariana felt neglected in the relationship. Again, making it obvious Dalton was ignoring their issues in the relationship and ignoring Ariana’s feelings and opinions. It was a repeated cycle. Something Ariana was losing sleep over constantly. Ariana was feeling alone even though she was with the one person who is supposed to make her not feel that. She was working on herself. Trying to be the best version for him. Changing herself for him. Self soothing instead of receiving comfort from her husband. Calling their marriage a situationship cause there was a lack of commitment in being there for each other. If they weren’t married, they likely would’ve ended things sooner. This song calls back to thank u, next imo. Ariana said she wanted to only get married once and she wanted to make it last, so she truly didn’t want anything to come to a divorce but felt as tho things had to. She recognizes her codependency in this song with I think is interesting. Ariana is known for never being single, so I think for her to realize this, yet repeat the same pattern with Ethan is interesting. “But you didn’t even try, and when you did it was at the wrong time”. This calls back to bye in which Dalton wasn’t trying until the very end of the relationship. I think this references to when they tried again in May for 2 weeks, but I think at this point she was feeling Ethan and went on a couple dates with him. Dalton tried when she was actively trying to heal and trying to see where her relationship with Ethan could go. And before people try and call that cheating, a lot, if not most separated married couples allow their partners to see other people to see if marriage is the thing they truly want. It’s not odd. It’s reported Dalton was seeing people at this time too, which I don’t believe tabloids like that, however in June, Dalton was caught spending the night at a party with a girl the entire night, in numerous photos and videos, so obviously he moved on right away or before the 2 weeks in May anyways. “Won’t abandon me again for you and I” Ariana lost herself in the relationship. She was trying to be Dalton’s dream girl, she put her herself on the back burner. And within hearing this, as a fandom, I watched a lot of you all throughout the relationship repeat Ariana was happier than she’s ever been and to not doubt her words. I understand yall wanted it to be true, but at these point, I think it’s easy to recognize when Ariana isn’t being herself. Let’s not pretend everything is okay when we’re not behind closed doors. We can wish the best for her and move on instead of drilling people saying “she’s never been happier”. There’s better ways to defend her.

1. Saturn Returns Interlude

I think this is self explanatory. Ariana has explained already why this is important to her in both her interview with Zach and Zane.

1. eternal sunshine

Before we even get into the lyrics, I’m seeing so many of you definitely say that’s Mac’s laugh in the beginning. It could very well and Dalton’s, and given this is the first song is right after the interlude, this is about her and Dalton. Again, please stop making everything about Mac. Ariana has always been a huge Jim Carrey fan. I think it’s cute connection that it’s Mac’s favorite movie, but that doesn’t make any song in this album about him. Also, I’m seeing not only that as a misinterpretation of the song, but also seeing mass amounts of hate for Dalton for this song when some of yall are misinterpreting Ariana’s words, so much so she had to come out and defend Dalton on her instagram. This is likely going to be the longest explanation. “We both know I couldn’t change you. Guess you could say the same” Ariana couldn’t make Dalton husband material and Dalton couldn’t make Ariana into his ideal wife. “I’ve never seen someone lie like you do. So much, even you start to think it’s true” & “I showed you all my demons, all my lies. Yet you played me like Atari” I think these two lyrics go hand and hand. I think Ariana told Dalton she was starting to develop feelings for Ethan towards the end of their marriage and he possibly made her feel bad about it, and lie saying he wasn’t seeing anyone else, Ariana likely found out later that wasn’t true and he was attempting to manipulate her. Onto the most misinterpreted line out of the entire album. “Now we play our seperate scenes. Now she’s in my bed, laying on your chest” & “now he’s in your bed, laying on my chest”. This line isn’t about cheating. They were both separated about this time she is speaking about. Again, she was already seeing Ethan at this time. Just as Dalton was secretly seeing another or multiple other women. Some of yall only listen to certain words instead of full sentences. “I’ll be the first to say ‘I’m sorry’” again she told Dalton about Ethan and he lied and made her feel bad about it when he was seeing other women. “Now it’s like I’m looking in the mirror” she still understands how Dalton feels cause they both moved on during their separation, even though they were still married. “You’re just my eternal sunshine” she wants to forget him instead of wondering what could’ve been. But throughout this album, we see she knows she shouldn’t cause now she knows what real love and support from a partner feels like. “Deep breaths, tight chest, life, death, rewind” this feels like a call to wedding vows, which I’ve seen no one mention. Maybe it’s just me.

1. supernatural

The first song about Ethan on the album. “I want you to come claim it, what are you waiting for” don’t want to read to much in the line, but given Ethan and Lily are still in the process of divorce given the custody battle, seems he still trying to be loyal to Lily. Who knows if they were separated at this point or not.

1. true story

Ariana’s already stated this is an “untrue story about untrue events”. “I’ll play the villain if you need me to, I know how this goes” obviously about being called a homewrecker and all of that drama. “I’ll be the one you love to hate, can’t relate” about those Ariana is saying she is above the drama. “For fun, you pray for my demise” one of the most underrated lyrics on the album. Suprised fans haven’t clinged onto this one more.

1. the boy is mine

Not to much to dive into about this one, which may have some of you confused, but true story sets this song up completely, “yall want an untrue story for the drama? Well here it is” and this is what came of it. It’s an untrue story, at least by what Ariana said, so it doesn’t fit into a dive really. It’s a satire song. For god sake, she calls herself unproblematic and independent, a few songs after she called out her codependency. It’s the same satire as 7 rings. This is just an angry version. “And I take accountability for all these tears” if anyone can’t see how this song is a raged filled joke, that’s on them.

1. yes, and?

I know we’ve heard enough of this song, so I’ll make it quick as possible. “Everybody is tired and healing from somebody” self explanatory at this point. “I won’t hide underneath your own projections, or change my most authentic life” she called the critics hypocrites. “My face is sitting I don’t need no disguise. Don’t comment on my body, do not reply” against all those people saying she looking like she was dying and that she looked like a completely different person, when she stopped getting filler and started looking like her truest self. This song isn’t about the last line “why do you care so much whose - I ride? Why?” And it’s annoying to see it interpreted this way. I mean truly it’s weird to endlessly worry about celebs personal relationships and private drama. But this song is literally about being authentic. She literally sings “boy, come on out your lipstick on” it’s just a pride filled song period about being confident. One line doesn’t change its meaning and the title doesn’t make a statement on the homewrecker allegations.

1. we can’t be friends (wait for your love)

Again, seeing so many fans say this song is about Mac. The bear could be reference in the vid, but the dog part is as Ariana as Ariana gets. She didn’t get Evan Peters’ dog in the vid. She adopted a new dog, which is literally the most Ariana thing to do. She had a crap ton of dogs before Mac. She has over like 12 dogs. On first listen, I automatically thought this song was about her relationship to the general public/her fans. I think this is the song she was thinking about when talking to Zach about her, her family, her friends, all interpreted this a little different. So this song likely does have multiple meanings at once. But I’ll describe why the truest one I see is the one I said. “I don’t want to tiptoe, but I don’t want to hide, but I don’t wanna feed this monstrous fire” she doesn’t want to not respond the the accusations, she doesn’t want to continue to be out of the public eye like she was with Dalton, but she also doesn’t want to egg on and start a feud and make things worse for herself. “Just wanna let this story die” this untrue story, call back to track 7. “You cling to your papers and pens” people forget that while this is a concept album, this line doesn’t have to just be about Jim carrey’s character. This is about the tabloids and tweets. “Wait until you like me again” Ariana knows this cycle of continuously being loved and hated back and forth from the general public. She’s used to it. She’s waiting for the rough patch to be done. “I don’t wanna argue, but I don’t wanna bite my tongue” again, she doesn’t want to make it worse with arguing, but she also doesn’t want to sit back and let people think the story is true, so why she made the album. “I don’t like how you paint me, yet I’m still here hanging” Ariana’s discussed before how she doesn’t like the way media paints her. She even said on Zach sang in 2019 she wouldn’t like herself either if the things the media were saying about her were true. Ariana has been in an argument with the media since the beginning of her musical career. It’s always been a conversational point for her. Yet she’s still there hanging. Attempting to be seen for who she truly is by being as vulnerable as possible. “Not what you made me…but I feel so seen in the night” again reminds me of a point from the 2019 Zach Sang interview where she said she wishes she could just sing pitch black on stage and people would come to just hear her voice, her truth. When people don’t know who is talking, who Ariana the popstar is, and she can be seen a a real, genuine person with thoughts and feelings. “We can’t be friends…I’ll wait for your love” she knows she’ll never have a good relationship with media and the general public, but she’ll wait for those good moments where she is loved and supported, especially for her fans.

1. i wish i hated you

I feel like not enough people are understanding this song, or just paying it no mind, y’all can repeat Dalton cheated while listening to this. “Hung all my clothes in the closet you made” he helped make her house feel like a home. “Your shoes still in boxes” they weren’t married for long or he never got comfortable being in their home and lay his belongings out. “Hoping life brings you no new pain” she still has love and wants the best for him. “Wish there was worse to you, i wish you were worse to me, i wish i hated you.” If he cheated, do yall really think Ariana would be singing that? “Our shadows stands in a parallel plane, just two different endings” they just weren’t made to be together. That’s what everything boils down to.

1. imperfect for you

“My love, they don’t understand, but I’ll hold your hurt in the box here beside me” Ariana’s learned to compartmentalize the things she gets from the public. She’ll hold Ethan’s hurt over the media attacking him and Ariana in the box beside her where she’s been able to unload the lies off her. “We crashed and we burned” reference to honeymoon avenue. They were able to get through tough shit even when just starting their relationship when they should’ve been in their honeymoon phase. “Let’s leave our baggage and wine at the table” calls back to both ghostin and pov. In ghostin that baggage is right there with her. In pov, the baggage begins to fade, but doesn’t leave. Here, she’s finally leaving her baggage behind, putting every card she has on the table. “This was a happy disaster”

1. ordinary things

Not much to dive into her. Lyrically, it’s very old Ariana where it’s just a sweet song. The depth in this song comes from Nona’s voice memo at the end. Except, again, I’m shocked more fans aren’t clinging to the “you hit like my biggest fan when i hear what the critics say” she gave a shoutout to her fans that didn’t switch up. Let’s acknowledge that. Nonna answering the question from intro at the end of the album is chef’s kiss.
Okay, hopefully I didn’t miss anything, but interested in hearing y’all’s opinions

• 3 Kings Diddy, Dr. Dre, Jay-Z, and Hip-Hop's Multibillion-Dollar Rise - Zack O'Malley Greenburg
• 50 X 50 50 Cent in His Own Words - 50 Cent and Noah Callahan-Bever
• A Guest in the House of Hip-Hop - Mickey Hess
• Acapella Revolution - Professor Griff
• Adversity for Sale Ya Gotta Believe - Jeezy
• After the Dance My Life with Marvin Gaye - Jan Gaye, Robin Eller
• Angry Blonde - Eminem
• Beastie Boys Book - Michael Diamond
• Black Privilege Opportunity Comes to Those Who Create It - Charlamagne Tha God
• Black Skin, White Masks - Frantz Fanon
• Bling - Erica Kennedy
• BMF The Rise and Fall of Big Meech and the Black Mafia Family - Mara Shalhoup, L. Steven Taylor
• Boogie Down Predictions Hip-Hop, Time, and Afrofuturism - Roy Christopher
• Book of Rhymes The Poetics of Hip Hop - Adam Bradley
• Born to Use Mics Reading Nas's Illmatic - Michael Eric Dyson, Sohail Daulatzai
• Bring the Noise 20 Years of Writing About Hip Rock and Hip Hop - Simon Reynolds
• Can I Mix You a Drink_ - T-PAIN
• Can't Stop Won't Stop A History of the Hip-Hop Generation - Jeff Chang, Mirron Willis
• Changes An Oral History of Tupac Shakur - Sheldon Pearce, Ashton Grooms
• Check the Technique Liner Notes for Hip-Hop Junkies - Brian Coleman and Questlove
• City Kid A Writer's Memoir of Ghetto Life and Post-Soul Success - Nelson George
• Classic Material The Hip-Hop Album Guide - Oliver Wang and Dante Ross
• Commissary Kitchen My Infamous Prison Cookbook - Albert Prodigy Johnson Kathy Iandoli Eddie Huang
• Communicating Hip-Hop How Hip-Hop Culture Shapes Popular Culture - Nick J. Sciullo
• Comparing Notes How We Make Sense of Music - Adam Ockelford
• Confessions of a Video Vixen- Karrine Steffans
• Contact High A Visual History of Hip-Hop - Vikki Tobak and Questlove
• Creative Quest - Questlove
• Cuba and Its Music From the First Drums to the Mambo - Ned Sublette
• Culture Vultures Conversations with Damon Dash - Kenyatta Griggs and Damon Dash
• Dancing with the Devil, how Puff burned the bad boys of Hip-Hop - Mr Mark Curry
• Dapper Dan_ A Memoir - Daniel R. Day
• Darkest America Black Minstrelsy from Slavery to Hip-Hop Yuval Taylor, Jake Austen
• Dead Wrong The Continuing Story of City of Lies, Corruption and Cover-Up in the Notorious BIG Murder Investigation - Randall Sullivan
• Decoded - Jay-Z
• Def Jam, Inc. Russell Simmons, Rick Rubin, and the Extraordinary Story of the World's Most Influential Hip-Hop Label - Stacy Gueraseva
• Diary of a Madman The Geto Boys, Life, Death, and The Roots of Southern Rap - Brad Scarface Jordan, Benjamin Meadows Ingram
• Digging for Dirt The Life and Death of ODB - Jaime Lowe
• Dilla Time The Life and Afterlife of J Dilla, the Hip-Hop Producer Who Reinvented Rhythm - Dan Charnas, Jeff Peretz
• Dirty South OutKast, Lil Wayne, Soulja Boy, and the Southern Rappers Who Reinvented Hip-Hop - Ben Westhoff
• DJ Shadow's Endtroducing... (33 13) - Eliot Wilder
• E.A.R.L. The Autobiography of DMX - DMX, Beresford Bennett.txt
• Ego Trip's Book of Rap Lists - Sacha Jenkins, Elliott Wilson
• Emerald Street A History of Hip Hop in Seattle - Daudi Abe and Sir Mix-A-Lot
• Empire State of Mind How Jay-Z Went from Street Corner to Corner Office - Zack O'Malley Greenburg
• Every Little Step My Story - Bobby Brown, Lisa Renee Pitts
• Everybody's Brother - CeeLo Green
• Fight the Power Rap, Race, and Reality - Chuck D Yusuf Jah and Spike Lee
• Flavor Flav The Icon, the Memoir - Flavor Flav
• Formula 50 A 6-Week Workout and Nutrition Plan That Will Transform Your Life - 50 Cent, Jeff O'Connell
• Freeway Rick Ross The Untold Autobiography - Rick Ross, Kevin Pierce
• From Pieces to Weight Once Upon a Time in Southside Queens - 50 Cent, Kris Ex
• From Staircase to Stage - Raekwon
• From Superman to Man - J. A. Rogers, John Riddle
• Fuck, That's Delicious An Annotated Guide to Eating Well - Action Bronson , Rachel Wharton
• Gangsta Merchandizing the Rhymes of Violence - Ronin Ro
• Go Ahead in the Rain Notes to A Tribe Called Quest - Hanif Abdurraqib
• God Save the Queens The Essential History of Women in Hip-Hop - Kathy Iandoli
• Got to Give the People What They Want True Stories and Flagrant Opinions from Center Court - Jalen Rose
• Got Your Back Protecting Tupac in the World of Gangsta Rap - Frank Alexander and Heidi Siegmund Cuda
• Gunshots in My Cook-Up Bits and Bites from a Hip-Hop Caribbean Life - Selwyn Seyfu Hinds
• H.N.I.C. - Albert Prodigy Johnson, Cary Hite
• Have Gun will Travel The Spectacular Rise and Violent Fall of Death Row Records - Ronin Ro
• Hip Hop America - Nelson George
• Hip Hop in America A Regional Guide - Mickey Hess
• Hip Hop in Houston The Origin and the Legacy - Maco L. Faniel , Steve Fournier
• Hip-Hop Poetry and the Classics - Alan Sitomer
• How Long Will They Mourn Me The Life and Legacy of Tupac Shakur - Candace Sandy
• How Music Got Free The End of an Industry, the Turn of the Century, and the Patient Zero of Piracy - Stephen Witt
• How to Hustle and Win A Survival Guide for the Ghetto - Supreme Understanding
• How to Hustle and Win, Part Two Rap, Race and Revolution - Supreme Understanding
• How to Make It in the New Music Business - Ari Herstand
• How to Rap 2 Advanced Flow and Delivery Techniques - Paul Edwards and Gift of Gab
• How to Rap The Art and Science of the Hip-Hop MC - Paul Edwards and Kool G Rap
• Hurricanes A Memoir - Rick Ross
• I Can't Make This Up Life Lessons - Neil Strauss, Kevin Hart
• I Got Something to Say Gender, Race, and Social Consciousness in Rap Music - Matthew Oware
• I Make My Own Rules - L. L. Cool J and Karen Hunter
• Ice A Memoir of Gangster Life and Redemption - from South Central to Hollywood - Douglas Century, Mirron Willis
• Is Hip Hop Dead The Past, Present, and Future - Mickey Hess
• It's Not About a Salary... Rap, Race and Resistance in Los Angeles - Brian Cross
• JAY-Z - Michael Eric Dyson
• Keep On Pushing Black Power Music from Blues to Hip-hop - Denise Sullivan
• LAbyrinth The True Story of City of Lies, the Murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. and the Implication of the LAPD - Randall Sullivan, Kevin Free
• Life and Def Sex, Drugs, Money, + God - Russell Simmons
• LL Cool J (Hip-Hop Stars) - Dustin Shekell
• Meals, Music, and Muses Recipes from My African American Kitchen - Alexander Smalls
• Missy Elliott (Hip-Hop Stars) - Tracy Brown Collins and Chuck D
• Mo' Meta Blues The World According to Questlove - Ahmir Questlove Thompson and Ben Greenman
• Monster The Autobiography of an L.A. Gang Member - Sanyika Shakur
• Murder Rap The Untold Story of the Biggie Smalls & Tupac Shakur Murder Investigations - Greg Kading
• Music in Black American Life, 1600-1945 - Laurie Matheson
• Music in Black American Life, 1945-2020 - Laurie Matheson
• My Infamous Life The Autobiography of Mobb Deep's Prodigy - Albert Prodigy Johnson, Laura Checkoway
• My Voice A Memoir - Angie Martinez, J. Cole
• No More Prisons Urban Life, Homeschooling, Hip-Hop Leadership, the Cool Rich Kids Movement - William Upski Wimsatt
• Noise Uprising The Audiopolitics of a World Musical Revolution - Michael Denning
• Notorious C.O.P. - Derrick Parker, Matt Diehl
• Objective Hate (The Prequel) the total belief in one's self with the full understanding of man's true nature - Troi Star Torain
• Once Upon a Time in Shaolin The Untold Story of Wu-Tang Clan's Million-Dollar Secret Album, the Devaluation of Music - Cyrus Bozorgmehr
• One Day It'll All Make Sense - Common and Adam Bradley
• Original Gangstas The Untold Story of Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, Ice Cube, Tupac Shakur, and the Birth of West Coast Rap - Ben Westhoff, J.D. Jackson
• Parental Discretion Is Advised The Rise of N.W.A and the Dawn of Gangsta Rap - Gerrick D. Kennedy
• Queens Reigns Supreme Fat Cat, 50 Cent, and the Rise of the Hip Hop Hustler - Ethan Brown
• Raising Hell The Reign, Ruin, and Redemption of Run-D.M.C. and Jam Master Jay - Ronin Ro
• Rakim Told Me Wax Facts Straight from the Original Artists-The '80s. - Brian Coleman
• Rap on Rap Straight-Up Talk on Hiphop Culture - Adam Sexton
• Rap! Portraits and Lyrics of a Generation of Black Rockers - B. Adler, Janette Beckman
• Raw My Journey into the Wu-Tang - Lamont U-God Hawkins and Macmillan Audio
• Revelations There's a Light After the Lime - Pastor Mason Mason Betha
• Rock This! - Chris Rock
• Rollin' With Dre - Bruce Williams and Donnell Alexander
• Root For The Villain Rap, Bull$hit, and a Celebration of Failure - J Zone
• Ruminations and The Science Of Rap - KRS-One
• Ruthless A Memoir - Jerry Heller and Gil Reavill
• Sentences The Life of M.F. Grimm - Percy Carey and Ronald Wimberly
• Shook One Anxiety Playing Tricks on Me - Charlamagne Tha God
• Signifying Rappers - Robert Petkoff, Mark Costello
• Soulacoaster The Diary of Me - R. Kelly and David Ritz
• Split Decision_ Life Stories - Ice-T
• Sweat the Technique - Rakim
• Sweet Jones Pimp C's Trill Life Story - Julia Beverly
• Takin' Over By Imposing the Positive! My Personal Rap to You - Brandon McCartney
• Talking Back, Talking Black Truths About America's Lingua Franca - John McWhorter
• Thats the Joint The Hip Hop Studies Readerbook - Murray Forman
• The 48 Laws of Power - Robert Greene
• The 50th Law - 50 Cent, Robert Greene
• The Adventures of Grandmaster Flash - Grandmaster Flash
• The Art & Science of Respect A Memoir - James Prince
• The Art of Getting Over graffiti at the millenium - Stephen Powers
• The Art of Seduction - Robert Greene
• The Autobiography of Gucci Mane - Gucci Mane
• The Big Payback The History of the Business of Hip-Hop - Dan Charnas, Kevin R. Free
• The Black Hand The Bloody Rise and Redemption of Boxer Enriquez, a Mexican Mob Killer - Chris Blatchford, Paul Boehmer
• The Book of Jose_ A Memoir - FAT JOE
• The Come Up An Oral History of the Rise of Hip-Hop - Jonathan Abrams
• The Death of Rhythm and Blues - Nelson George, Brandon Dirden
• The Dirty Version On Stage, in the Studio, and in the Streets with Ol' Dirty Bastard - Buddha Monk and Mickey Hess
• The Emperor of Sound A Memoir - Timbaland, Veronica Chambers
• The Five Percenters Islam, Hip-hop and the Gods of New York - Michael Muhammad Knight
• The Gospel of Hip Hop The First Instrument - KRS-One
• The Gucci Mane Guide to Greatness - Gucci Mane
• The Hip Hop Wars What We Talk About When We Talk About Hip Hop--and Why It Matters - Tricia Rose
• The Ice Opinion Who Gives a Fuck - Ice T with Heidi Siegmund
• The Keys A Memoir - DJ Khaled
• The Killing of Tupac Shakur - Cathy Scott
• The Perfect Day to Boss Up - Rick Ross
• The Psychological Covert War on Hip Hop - Professor Griff
• The Rap Factor - Delacorta
• The Rap Year Book The Most Important Rap Song From Every Year Since 1979, Discussed, Debated, and Deconstructed - Shea Serrano
• The Rose That Grew From Concrete - Tupac Shakur
• The Tanning of America How Hip-Hop Created a Culture That Rewrote the Rules of the New Economy- Steve Stoute
• The Tao Of Wu - RZA and Chris Norris
• The World That Made New Orleans From Spanish Silver to Congo Square - Ned Sublette, Sean Crisden
• The Wretched of the Earth (1963, 2011) - Frantz Fanon
• The Wu-Tang Clan and RZA A Trip through Hip Hop's 36 Chambers - Alvin Blanco
• The Wu-Tang Manual - The RZA and Chris Norris
• There's a God on the Mic The True 50 Greatest MCs - Kool Mo Dee, Ernie Panniccioli
• They Came Before Columbus The African Presence in Ancient America - Ivan Van Sertima
• Third Coast. OutKast, Timbaland, and How Hip-Hop Became a Southern Thing - Roni Sarig
• Total Chaos The Art and Aesthetics of Hip-Hop-Basic Civitas Books - Jeff Chang
• Tupac Resurrection, 1971-1996 - Tupac Shakur
• Tupac Shakur The Life and Times of an American Icon - Tayannah Lee McQuillar
• Tupac Shakur_ The Authorized Biography - Staci Robinson
• Unruly The Highs and Lows of Becoming a Man - Ja Rule
• War Child A Child Soldier's Story - Emmanuel Jal, Ademola Adeyemo
• When Sunday Comes Gospel Music in the Soul and Hip-Hop Eras - Claudrena N. Harold
• Who Shot Ya Three Decades of Hip Hop Photography - Ernie Paniccioli and Kevin Powell
• Who We Be A Cultural History of Race in Post-Civil Rights America - Jeff Chang
• Who's Gonna Take the Weight_ - Kevin Powell
• World's Great Men of Color, Volume I Asia and Africa, and Historical Figures Before Christ, Including Aesop, Hannibal, Cleopatra, Zenobia, Askia - J. A. Rogers, John Henrik Clarke
• Wretched, Pitiful, Poor, Blind and Naked - Thornton, Gene
• Your Body's Calling Me The Life & Times of Robert R. Kelly - Music, Love, Sex & Money - R Kelly

don't have

• 6 'N The Morning - Daudi Abe
• And It Don't Stop The Best American Hip-hop Journalism Of The Last 25 Years - Raquel Cepeda, Nelson George
• Behind The Hits: Drumma Boy
• Check The Technique: Volume 2 More Liner Notes For Hip-hop Junkies - Brian Coleman
• Fashion Killa: How Hip-hop Revolutionized High Fashion - Sowmya Krishnamurthy
• Hip-hop A Cultural Odyssey By Jordan Sommers
• How to Hustle and Win A Survival Guide for the Ghetto - Supreme Understanding
• Ice Cold: A Hip-Hop Jewelry History
• Jewels Gems And Treasures - Anthony Cruz/AZ
• LL COOL J Presents The Streets Win: 50 Years of Hip-Hop Greatness
• Lo Life An American Classic
• My Opinion - Mac Mall
• No Sleep: NYC Nightlife Flyers 1988-1999 - DJ Stretch Armstrong
• Straight From The Source: An Expose From The Former Editor In Chief Of The Source - Kim Osorio
• Sunfail - Prodigy
• The Black Book - Cory Mckay/Cormega
• The Book Of Luke : My Fight For Truth, Justice, And Liberty City - Luther Campbell
• The Butterfly Effect : How Kendrick Lamar Ignited The Soul Of Black America
• The Nation Guide To The Nation - Lingeman, Richard R
• The State Vs. Albert "Prodigy" Johnson
• Understanding The True Meaning - Cory Mckay/Cormega
• Vibrate Higher - Talib Kweli
• Welcome To Death Row: The Uncensored Oral History Of Death Row Records In The Words Of Those Who Were There S. Leigh Savidge, Steve Housden
• World's Great Men Of Color, Volume II - J.A. Rogers
• Written! The Lyrics Of Grandmaster Caz

• 3 Kings Diddy, Dr. Dre, Jay-Z, and Hip-Hop's Multibillion-Dollar Rise - Zack O'Malley Greenburg
• 50 X 50 50 Cent in His Own Words - 50 Cent and Noah Callahan-Bever
• A Guest in the House of Hip-Hop - Mickey Hess
• Acapella Revolution - Professor Griff
• Adversity for Sale Ya Gotta Believe - Jeezy
• After the Dance My Life with Marvin Gaye - Jan Gaye, Robin Eller
• Angry Blonde - Eminem
• Beastie Boys Book - Michael Diamond
• Black Privilege Opportunity Comes to Those Who Create It - Charlamagne Tha God
• Black Skin, White Masks - Frantz Fanon
• Bling - Erica Kennedy
• BMF The Rise and Fall of Big Meech and the Black Mafia Family - Mara Shalhoup, L. Steven Taylor
• Boogie Down Predictions Hip-Hop, Time, and Afrofuturism - Roy Christopher
• Book of Rhymes The Poetics of Hip Hop - Adam Bradley
• Born to Use Mics Reading Nas's Illmatic - Michael Eric Dyson, Sohail Daulatzai
• Bring the Noise 20 Years of Writing About Hip Rock and Hip Hop - Simon Reynolds
• Can I Mix You a Drink_ - T-PAIN
• Can't Stop Won't Stop A History of the Hip-Hop Generation - Jeff Chang, Mirron Willis
• Changes An Oral History of Tupac Shakur - Sheldon Pearce, Ashton Grooms
• Check the Technique Liner Notes for Hip-Hop Junkies - Brian Coleman and Questlove
• City Kid A Writer's Memoir of Ghetto Life and Post-Soul Success - Nelson George
• Classic Material The Hip-Hop Album Guide - Oliver Wang and Dante Ross
• Commissary Kitchen My Infamous Prison Cookbook - Albert Prodigy Johnson Kathy Iandoli Eddie Huang
• Communicating Hip-Hop How Hip-Hop Culture Shapes Popular Culture - Nick J. Sciullo
• Comparing Notes How We Make Sense of Music - Adam Ockelford
• Confessions of a Video Vixen- Karrine Steffans
• Contact High A Visual History of Hip-Hop - Vikki Tobak and Questlove
• Creative Quest - Questlove
• Cuba and Its Music From the First Drums to the Mambo - Ned Sublette
• Culture Vultures Conversations with Damon Dash - Kenyatta Griggs and Damon Dash
• Dancing with the Devil, how Puff burned the bad boys of Hip-Hop - Mr Mark Curry
• Dapper Dan_ A Memoir - Daniel R. Day
• Darkest America Black Minstrelsy from Slavery to Hip-Hop Yuval Taylor, Jake Austen
• Dead Wrong The Continuing Story of City of Lies, Corruption and Cover-Up in the Notorious BIG Murder Investigation - Randall Sullivan
• Decoded - Jay-Z
• Def Jam, Inc. Russell Simmons, Rick Rubin, and the Extraordinary Story of the World's Most Influential Hip-Hop Label - Stacy Gueraseva
• Diary of a Madman The Geto Boys, Life, Death, and The Roots of Southern Rap - Brad Scarface Jordan, Benjamin Meadows Ingram
• Digging for Dirt The Life and Death of ODB - Jaime Lowe
• Dilla Time The Life and Afterlife of J Dilla, the Hip-Hop Producer Who Reinvented Rhythm - Dan Charnas, Jeff Peretz
• Dirty South OutKast, Lil Wayne, Soulja Boy, and the Southern Rappers Who Reinvented Hip-Hop - Ben Westhoff
• DJ Shadow's Endtroducing... (33 13) - Eliot Wilder
• E.A.R.L. The Autobiography of DMX - DMX, Beresford Bennett.txt
• Ego Trip's Book of Rap Lists - Sacha Jenkins, Elliott Wilson
• Emerald Street A History of Hip Hop in Seattle - Daudi Abe and Sir Mix-A-Lot
• Empire State of Mind How Jay-Z Went from Street Corner to Corner Office - Zack O'Malley Greenburg
• Every Little Step My Story - Bobby Brown, Lisa Renee Pitts
• Everybody's Brother - CeeLo Green
• Fight the Power Rap, Race, and Reality - Chuck D Yusuf Jah and Spike Lee
• Flavor Flav The Icon, the Memoir - Flavor Flav
• Formula 50 A 6-Week Workout and Nutrition Plan That Will Transform Your Life - 50 Cent, Jeff O'Connell
• Freeway Rick Ross The Untold Autobiography - Rick Ross, Kevin Pierce
• From Pieces to Weight Once Upon a Time in Southside Queens - 50 Cent, Kris Ex
• From Staircase to Stage - Raekwon
• From Superman to Man - J. A. Rogers, John Riddle
• Fuck, That's Delicious An Annotated Guide to Eating Well - Action Bronson , Rachel Wharton
• Gangsta Merchandizing the Rhymes of Violence - Ronin Ro
• Go Ahead in the Rain Notes to A Tribe Called Quest - Hanif Abdurraqib
• God Save the Queens The Essential History of Women in Hip-Hop - Kathy Iandoli
• Got to Give the People What They Want True Stories and Flagrant Opinions from Center Court - Jalen Rose
• Got Your Back Protecting Tupac in the World of Gangsta Rap - Frank Alexander and Heidi Siegmund Cuda
• Gunshots in My Cook-Up Bits and Bites from a Hip-Hop Caribbean Life - Selwyn Seyfu Hinds
• H.N.I.C. - Albert Prodigy Johnson, Cary Hite
• Have Gun will Travel The Spectacular Rise and Violent Fall of Death Row Records - Ronin Ro
• Hip Hop America - Nelson George
• Hip Hop in America A Regional Guide - Mickey Hess
• Hip Hop in Houston The Origin and the Legacy - Maco L. Faniel , Steve Fournier
• Hip-Hop Poetry and the Classics - Alan Sitomer
• How Long Will They Mourn Me The Life and Legacy of Tupac Shakur - Candace Sandy
• How Music Got Free The End of an Industry, the Turn of the Century, and the Patient Zero of Piracy - Stephen Witt
• How to Hustle and Win A Survival Guide for the Ghetto - Supreme Understanding
• How to Hustle and Win, Part Two Rap, Race and Revolution - Supreme Understanding
• How to Make It in the New Music Business - Ari Herstand
• How to Rap 2 Advanced Flow and Delivery Techniques - Paul Edwards and Gift of Gab
• How to Rap The Art and Science of the Hip-Hop MC - Paul Edwards and Kool G Rap
• Hurricanes A Memoir - Rick Ross
• I Can't Make This Up Life Lessons - Neil Strauss, Kevin Hart
• I Got Something to Say Gender, Race, and Social Consciousness in Rap Music - Matthew Oware
• I Make My Own Rules - L. L. Cool J and Karen Hunter
• Ice A Memoir of Gangster Life and Redemption - from South Central to Hollywood - Douglas Century, Mirron Willis
• Is Hip Hop Dead The Past, Present, and Future - Mickey Hess
• It's Not About a Salary... Rap, Race and Resistance in Los Angeles - Brian Cross
• JAY-Z - Michael Eric Dyson
• Keep On Pushing Black Power Music from Blues to Hip-hop - Denise Sullivan
• LAbyrinth The True Story of City of Lies, the Murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. and the Implication of the LAPD - Randall Sullivan, Kevin Free
• Life and Def Sex, Drugs, Money, + God - Russell Simmons
• LL Cool J (Hip-Hop Stars) - Dustin Shekell
• Meals, Music, and Muses Recipes from My African American Kitchen - Alexander Smalls
• Missy Elliott (Hip-Hop Stars) - Tracy Brown Collins and Chuck D
• Mo' Meta Blues The World According to Questlove - Ahmir Questlove Thompson and Ben Greenman
• Monster The Autobiography of an L.A. Gang Member - Sanyika Shakur
• Murder Rap The Untold Story of the Biggie Smalls & Tupac Shakur Murder Investigations - Greg Kading
• Music in Black American Life, 1600-1945 - Laurie Matheson
• Music in Black American Life, 1945-2020 - Laurie Matheson
• My Infamous Life The Autobiography of Mobb Deep's Prodigy - Albert Prodigy Johnson, Laura Checkoway
• My Voice A Memoir - Angie Martinez, J. Cole
• No More Prisons Urban Life, Homeschooling, Hip-Hop Leadership, the Cool Rich Kids Movement - William Upski Wimsatt
• Noise Uprising The Audiopolitics of a World Musical Revolution - Michael Denning
• Notorious C.O.P. - Derrick Parker, Matt Diehl
• Objective Hate (The Prequel) the total belief in one's self with the full understanding of man's true nature - Troi Star Torain
• Once Upon a Time in Shaolin The Untold Story of Wu-Tang Clan's Million-Dollar Secret Album, the Devaluation of Music - Cyrus Bozorgmehr
• One Day It'll All Make Sense - Common and Adam Bradley
• Original Gangstas The Untold Story of Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, Ice Cube, Tupac Shakur, and the Birth of West Coast Rap - Ben Westhoff, J.D. Jackson
• Parental Discretion Is Advised The Rise of N.W.A and the Dawn of Gangsta Rap - Gerrick D. Kennedy
• Queens Reigns Supreme Fat Cat, 50 Cent, and the Rise of the Hip Hop Hustler - Ethan Brown
• Raising Hell The Reign, Ruin, and Redemption of Run-D.M.C. and Jam Master Jay - Ronin Ro
• Rakim Told Me Wax Facts Straight from the Original Artists-The '80s. - Brian Coleman
• Rap on Rap Straight-Up Talk on Hiphop Culture - Adam Sexton
• Rap! Portraits and Lyrics of a Generation of Black Rockers - B. Adler, Janette Beckman
• Raw My Journey into the Wu-Tang - Lamont U-God Hawkins and Macmillan Audio
• Revelations There's a Light After the Lime - Pastor Mason Mason Betha
• Rock This! - Chris Rock
• Rollin' With Dre - Bruce Williams and Donnell Alexander
• Root For The Villain Rap, Bull$hit, and a Celebration of Failure - J Zone
• Ruminations and The Science Of Rap - KRS-One
• Ruthless A Memoir - Jerry Heller and Gil Reavill
• Sentences The Life of M.F. Grimm - Percy Carey and Ronald Wimberly
• Shook One Anxiety Playing Tricks on Me - Charlamagne Tha God
• Signifying Rappers - Robert Petkoff, Mark Costello
• Soulacoaster The Diary of Me - R. Kelly and David Ritz
• Split Decision_ Life Stories - Ice-T
• Sweat the Technique - Rakim
• Sweet Jones Pimp C's Trill Life Story - Julia Beverly
• Takin' Over By Imposing the Positive! My Personal Rap to You - Brandon McCartney
• Talking Back, Talking Black Truths About America's Lingua Franca - John McWhorter
• Thats the Joint The Hip Hop Studies Readerbook - Murray Forman
• The 48 Laws of Power - Robert Greene
• The 50th Law - 50 Cent, Robert Greene
• The Adventures of Grandmaster Flash - Grandmaster Flash
• The Art & Science of Respect A Memoir - James Prince
• The Art of Getting Over graffiti at the millenium - Stephen Powers
• The Art of Seduction - Robert Greene
• The Autobiography of Gucci Mane - Gucci Mane
• The Big Payback The History of the Business of Hip-Hop - Dan Charnas, Kevin R. Free
• The Black Hand The Bloody Rise and Redemption of Boxer Enriquez, a Mexican Mob Killer - Chris Blatchford, Paul Boehmer
• The Book of Jose_ A Memoir - FAT JOE
• The Come Up An Oral History of the Rise of Hip-Hop - Jonathan Abrams
• The Death of Rhythm and Blues - Nelson George, Brandon Dirden
• The Dirty Version On Stage, in the Studio, and in the Streets with Ol' Dirty Bastard - Buddha Monk and Mickey Hess
• The Emperor of Sound A Memoir - Timbaland, Veronica Chambers
• The Five Percenters Islam, Hip-hop and the Gods of New York - Michael Muhammad Knight
• The Gospel of Hip Hop The First Instrument - KRS-One
• The Gucci Mane Guide to Greatness - Gucci Mane
• The Hip Hop Wars What We Talk About When We Talk About Hip Hop--and Why It Matters - Tricia Rose
• The Ice Opinion Who Gives a Fuck - Ice T with Heidi Siegmund
• The Keys A Memoir - DJ Khaled
• The Killing of Tupac Shakur - Cathy Scott
• The Perfect Day to Boss Up - Rick Ross
• The Psychological Covert War on Hip Hop - Professor Griff
• The Rap Factor - Delacorta
• The Rap Year Book The Most Important Rap Song From Every Year Since 1979, Discussed, Debated, and Deconstructed - Shea Serrano
• The Rose That Grew From Concrete - Tupac Shakur
• The Tanning of America How Hip-Hop Created a Culture That Rewrote the Rules of the New Economy- Steve Stoute
• The Tao Of Wu - RZA and Chris Norris
• The World That Made New Orleans From Spanish Silver to Congo Square - Ned Sublette, Sean Crisden
• The Wretched of the Earth (1963, 2011) - Frantz Fanon
• The Wu-Tang Clan and RZA A Trip through Hip Hop's 36 Chambers - Alvin Blanco
• The Wu-Tang Manual - The RZA and Chris Norris
• There's a God on the Mic The True 50 Greatest MCs - Kool Mo Dee, Ernie Panniccioli
• They Came Before Columbus The African Presence in Ancient America - Ivan Van Sertima
• Third Coast. OutKast, Timbaland, and How Hip-Hop Became a Southern Thing - Roni Sarig
• Total Chaos The Art and Aesthetics of Hip-Hop-Basic Civitas Books - Jeff Chang
• Tupac Resurrection, 1971-1996 - Tupac Shakur
• Tupac Shakur The Life and Times of an American Icon - Tayannah Lee McQuillar
• Tupac Shakur_ The Authorized Biography - Staci Robinson
• Unruly The Highs and Lows of Becoming a Man - Ja Rule
• War Child A Child Soldier's Story - Emmanuel Jal, Ademola Adeyemo
• When Sunday Comes Gospel Music in the Soul and Hip-Hop Eras - Claudrena N. Harold
• Who Shot Ya Three Decades of Hip Hop Photography - Ernie Paniccioli and Kevin Powell
• Who We Be A Cultural History of Race in Post-Civil Rights America - Jeff Chang
• Who's Gonna Take the Weight_ - Kevin Powell
• World's Great Men of Color, Volume I Asia and Africa, and Historical Figures Before Christ, Including Aesop, Hannibal, Cleopatra, Zenobia, Askia - J. A. Rogers, John Henrik Clarke
• Wretched, Pitiful, Poor, Blind and Naked - Thornton, Gene
• Your Body's Calling Me The Life & Times of Robert R. Kelly - Music, Love, Sex & Money - R Kelly

don't have

• 6 'N The Morning - Daudi Abe
• And It Don't Stop The Best American Hip-hop Journalism Of The Last 25 Years - Raquel Cepeda, Nelson George
• Behind The Hits: Drumma Boy
• Check The Technique: Volume 2 More Liner Notes For Hip-hop Junkies - Brian Coleman
• Fashion Killa: How Hip-hop Revolutionized High Fashion - Sowmya Krishnamurthy
• Hip-hop A Cultural Odyssey By Jordan Sommers
• How to Hustle and Win A Survival Guide for the Ghetto - Supreme Understanding
• Ice Cold: A Hip-Hop Jewelry History
• Jewels Gems And Treasures - Anthony Cruz/AZ
• LL COOL J Presents The Streets Win: 50 Years of Hip-Hop Greatness
• Lo Life An American Classic
• My Opinion - Mac Mall
• No Sleep: NYC Nightlife Flyers 1988-1999 - DJ Stretch Armstrong
• Straight From The Source: An Expose From The Former Editor In Chief Of The Source - Kim Osorio
• Sunfail - Prodigy
• The Black Book - Cory Mckay/Cormega
• The Book Of Luke : My Fight For Truth, Justice, And Liberty City - Luther Campbell
• The Butterfly Effect : How Kendrick Lamar Ignited The Soul Of Black America
• The Nation Guide To The Nation - Lingeman, Richard R
• The State Vs. Albert "Prodigy" Johnson
• Understanding The True Meaning - Cory Mckay/Cormega
• Vibrate Higher - Talib Kweli
• Welcome To Death Row: The Uncensored Oral History Of Death Row Records In The Words Of Those Who Were There S. Leigh Savidge, Steve Housden
• World's Great Men Of Color, Volume II - J.A. Rogers
• Written! The Lyrics Of Grandmaster Caz

Would go to the normal BPD sub but I was banned for a no good reason. So basically I have BPD, ADHD, and some other things. I am not medicated for the ADHD due to my psychiatrist being a piece of shit. Today I looked at my grades (I’m in college) and I’m failing two of my classes because I’m unable to focus and get work done, I procrastinate a lot and I put my boyfriend above everything because he’s my ‘favorite person’. I am so fed up with being misunderstood and not listened to by my psychiatrist and I’m feeling incredibly impulsive, like criminally impulsive if you get what I’m getting at. I am so angry. I blew up on my mom and boyfriend and I’m at work right now so they are not with me but I was spamming them with texts and calls telling them I’m going to do something impulsive or hurt myself. My boyfriend is now mad at me and won’t talk to me because I scared him which is totally reasonable. I know I’m a bad person sometimes. But I am just so angry that they won’t put me on a stimulant to help me. I had anorexia but I’ve been in recovery for a year now and my eating disorder therapist cleared me for a stimulant but my psychiatrist won’t talk to her and she keeps putting me on diff meds like lithium and qelbree. I never took the lithium because I’ve been on too many mood stabilizers and anti psychotics and I don’t wanna turn into a zombie again. I’m not taking the qelbree because it’s not a stimulant. I’ve taken adderal before, and it helped so much. I would only take it on school days though because I like being frenzied when I’m sewing or working on my creative stuff. I don’t know what to do anymore, it feels like my world is crashing down around me and I’m starting to get those minor hallucinations and my mom said that I’m acting deranged right now. Which I think I am because of the things I said. I Can be so mean when i go thru episodes like this and I say some really fucked up shit. I just can’t keep living like this. Does anyone experience the same thing? Have any suggestions? Should I just continue to self medicate? I feel like I’m going crazy. Trust me the texts I sent were very very bad. I feel so guilty now. I want to punish myself. But I’ve made it so far (I used to self harm daily and had many attempts but I’ve been clean from those for a year now) I can’t fall back into those habits. I don’t know what to do. Yes I’m trying to get a new psychiatrist.