Crossposted on TwoHotTakes - Original
I honestly don’t even know where to start, I apologize if the timeline is difficult to follow.
My (30F) husband (30M) is currently a nurse. Two years ago, my husband, let’s call him Wayne, enrolled in a one year, accelerated nursing program at a university in our city. This was a super intense program that basically shoved four years of nursing school into one year. (The program is designed for people who already have an undergrad degree and have completed pre-reqs for the program) Wayne quit his job so he could focus all of his energy on the nursing program and pass the NCLEX. I was fully supportive of this and basically told him whatever he needed to do to study and feel prepared, I was game. I think it is important to mention that Wayne and I have been together for 15 years now, we are high school sweethearts.
During the first week of his program, Wayne met two other students and became friends with them. I will call them Bonnie (27F) and Gail (28F). The three of them became fast friends and quickly made a habit of studying together every single day for almost a year. They would take turns going to each other’s houses for study sessions. The majority of the time the three would be at our house because it was somewhat in the middle between their houses and the university. Since I worked during the day, they could study all day if they wanted.
I also really liked Bonnie and Gail. Eventually, we all became friends and Bonnie’s boyfriend, Dan (27M), and Gail’s girlfriend, Tanis (28F) would come over for dinners. Before anyone asks, I had absolutely no issue with Wayne befriending women or spending time with them. Wayne and I are best friends and have a very secure relationship. I trust him completely. Not to mention, Bonnie and Gail were also in relationships, so it was no big deal. Eventually, Wayne and Bonnie even helped Gail work through some of her relationship drama and helped her break up with Tanis. The get-togethers became smaller after that, because Tanis was gone and Dan was working more and couldn’t come.
Fast forward to graduation, Wayne and Bonnie decided that they wanted to work in the Emergency Department and Gail was going to work in a less intense area. Both Wayne and Bonnie got a job at the same ER and their shifts would be similar so they would be co-workers. We all thought this was awesome because that particular ER is in a tough part of town and they see a lot of level one traumas. It’s great that Wayne and Bonnie can “debrief” after shifts and vent to each other. Gail was forced to go on night shift, which was the opposite schedule of Wayne and Bonnie. Over the past year, Wayne and Gail haven’t really spoken. Wayne rationalized that they both got really busy and just lost touch. Bonnie still spoke regularly with Gail.
Around this time, Dan proposed to Bonnie! This was a long time coming and we were all very happy for them. Bonnie said that Wayne and I were definitely invited and it was going to be so much fun! The happy couple eventually told us that the wedding would not be in town, but take place in a state far away. Easily twelve to thirteen hours drive or a flight away. While that would be a lot of money for us, we said that we would do our best to come. Bonnie asked Gail to be a bridesmaid and we were super pumped because it would be like a small reunion! At this time, I found out I was pregnant!! We had been trying for a while and we were so happy. It would work out great because our baby boy would be approximately nine months old at the time of the wedding. Old enough that we could leave him for a day or two with my parents to go to the wedding.
Fast forward to last week. On Tuesday, Bonnie hand delivered Wayne our invitation to their wedding. I was able to request off work and we’ve been slowly saving money to travel for the wedding. On Friday, Bonnie pulled Wayne aside after their shift. Bonnie said that her and Dan had a really bad fight because Bonnie invited Wayne and I to the wedding. Wayne was very confused, why would Dan be upset that we were invited? Bonnie then said:
Since Wayne, Bonnie, and Gail met in nursing school, Gail has been under the delusion that Wayne was in love with her. Apparently, Bonnie and Dan would talk with Gail almost EVERY DAY and tell Gail that there was nothing between her and Wayne. Gail would insist that Wayne was in love with her. Bonnie would tell Gail that she was in the room when such and such happened and there was nothing that happened. As time went on, Gail started to badmouth me to Bonnie and Dan. She would say that I was manipulative and I was mean to Wayne, etc. Gail started saying that she needed to break up with Tanis because Wayne and her were going to be together. Eventually, Gail thought that Wayne was going to leave me to be with her. Bonnie and Dan continued to tell Gail that she was crazy and nothing was happening. When Wayne told them that we were trying for a baby, Gail started a whole other delusion that Wayne and her were going to have kids.
According to Bonnie, during one of our dinners when it was just the four of us, I said something that Gail then passed on to Dan. This was around the time of a school shooting where an AR-15 was used. For context, I was a teacher in an urban school district for five years. During those five years, I was in five lockdowns, one of which had an armed intruder. While I am not anti-gun, I feel very strongly about school safety and gun restrictions. Dan enjoys guns and owns an AR-15. He is also very passionate about gun safety. Gail told Dan that I said something to the effect of “anyone who owns an AR-15 has those children’s blood on their hands”. I can say with 100% certainty that I never said that. I am sure because that is a super unhinged thing to say and it would never come to my mind to say that. If anything, I would have said that AR-15s shouldn’t be so readily available to citizens and there should be restrictions in place so these tragedies don’t happen.
Regardless, Gail told Dan that I allegedly said this. According to Bonnie, Gail talked to Dan without Bonnie present and she was unaware that this conversation had taken place. Dan was very angry and hurt by what Gail said and chose to internalize his anger towards me. Apparently, Dan decided he no longer wanted to see Wayne and I and lied about his work schedule so as to not attend dinners with us. It was not until a couple months after this, that Bonnie invited Dan to dinner at our house and he said, “why would I spend time with those people after what they said?”. Bonnie was confused and then Dan told her what Gail told him. Bonnie told Dan that those words were never spoken and Gail was lying. By this point, Dan had convinced himself that I had said those things and didn’t believe Gail would lie.
When they graduated from nursing school and started working, they stopped hanging out as much because of their schedules. Gail took this as Wayne “ghosting” her and “breaking up” with her. Gail continued to bad mouth me and Wayne.
When Dan found out that Bonnie had given us a wedding invitation, he was livid. He felt that Bonnie went behind his back to invite us even though “we hurt him”.
When Wayne reiterated this to me, I was shocked. We had been completely in the dark about this whole thing FOR TWO YEARS. Bonnie had been acting like nothing was wrong. After almost every shift, Wayne and Bonnie talk on the phone. Not once has she even mentioned anything about this. Gail is still in the wedding party despite this. Dan still hates us.
Bonnie wants Wayne and I to be at her wedding and says, “she can’t get married without her best friend [Wayne] there”.
Firstly, Bonnie has lied by omission for two years. Frankly, I don’t trust Bonnie anymore. I am skeptical that we have all of the information and there isn’t something more at play here.
Secondly, I am offended that Dan would think that I said those things. And I’m shocked he would blindly believe Gail, especially after her delusions about Wayne.
Thirdly, why would I want to go to a wedding where Gail is a bridesmaid? Who is to say she doesn’t start something and cause a scene? Also, why would I want to spend thousands of dollars to travel to a wedding where I am uncomfortable? AND I’m leaving my baby?
While Wayne is as confused as I am, he still wants to go to the wedding. He has trauma-bonded with Bonnie through work and values her as a friend. While I understand this, I can not get over this. Bonnie is trying to talk to Dan and convince him that we are good people and Gail twisted everything. Honestly, after being left in the dark for two years, I don’t want to have to convince anyone that we’re innocent in this. If anything, we should be getting an apology from all parties.
Wayne and I are currently still waiting to hear from Bonnie about her “talk” with Dan and Gail. As of right now, 5/21, Gail is still a bridesmaid and Dan still doesn’t want us at the wedding.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? What would you do?

Long story short - Several months ago I ended the only serious relationship I've (28m) ever had. We dated since high school, and we knew each other beforehand so it was like a friendship that turned into relationship situation. I didn't realize it at the time, but now looking at getting back out there I've realized it takes me a while to realize if I'm attracted to a girl enough to ask her out.
It seems like dating now is so based on physical attraction and getting to know someone after the fact. But for me it's like the physical attraction is enough to catch my eye, but is not my primary motivation and never enough for me to think about asking a girl out. It's only after I've gotten to know who she is/how she is as a person that I'm interested in asking her out.
Usually by the point I've realized I'm interested in a girl in that way, we've talked and gotten to know each other enough that we've crossed into the friends only territory and there's really no way of coming back from that. In retrospect, I realize this led to me having many problems in high school always crushing on my close friends who were girls.
I haven't really tried actively dating again yet, but I've already seen this pattern show up since becoming single again. I met a new coworker that got assigned to work on a project with me. This required talking at least an our a day. Initially our conversations were kinda slow, but after a while we just clicked and spent a lot of time getting to know each other. I just thought she was pretty cool, but after getting to know her more I realized I actually found her really attractive and thought about asking her out.
By that time, though, we'd been talking at least an hour or two per day every work day for at least 3 weeks. And when I finally started being a little flirty, she nicely gave me indications that she only saw me as a friend. Sure, I know that there may have never been an opportunity there. But it would be naive of me to think me not showing any indication in interest before 3 weeks of talking at least an hour a day didn't help land me in that friend zone kinda spot.
So I'm just wondering if I'm weird in this way and if this will cause me issues trying to date again?

Math-related major here.
Most study material, tips and tricks caters to students who werent familiar with the way to study, take notes, practice for quizzes or write essays because they werent really taught properly on "how to study." The advice and guides are mostly "How to go from Ds and Fs to good grades" and although a good grade is defined differently by everybody (As, Bs are usually considered good grades, Cs arguable), its never really mentioned "go from C to an A" or "from Bs to an A+."
Bs and Cs (arguable again) are good grades but what does it take for someone to consistently get A+ without a single drop in performance through out the semester. There's many of us who already are familiar with the solid study techniques and strategies, time management, etc. Many of us already implement active recall or doing loads and loads of practice papers and scouting for patterns in them or go to office hours and clear out the doubts but still manage to get a B for that course instead of an A+.
How can those who are already using the solid study strategies while scoring mediocre grades (or grades they arent pleased with) get the top grade each and everytime. Consistently.
(Made this post for those trying to achieve top grades/GPAs for grad school or corporate that require such grades, and was not intended to hurt anybody happy with Bs and Cs or any other grade).
Thanks.

My 8y daughter is finishing second grade and still doesn’t know how to read or do basic math. I know she is capable of learning but is unwilling to do the work or pay attention. Nothing can entice her at home, and school/ABA support is slow at best.
She doesn’t listen and only wants to do arts and craft activities and even that is limited as I’ve tried to incorporate what she likes when I try to get her to do the work but it just doesn’t work or only works for one task.
Any strategies that may help? She is aggressive and stubborn.

It’s probably my fault this happens to me. When I was young and in my prime, nobody ever approached me. I was more or less completely inexperienced until I was 25 years old.
Of course, later, after my prime was already over all these guys from my college in the high school came crawling out of the woodwork, telling me they had a thing for me for years. But why wait until I was older, decrepit, and falling apart? One of them I even liked years ago when I was young and full of life and he knew it. I told him to his face that I liked him and he never acknowledged it. I figured he wasn’t interested, so I gave up on him. Turns out he did like me back. But why now? Wine how when I am 28 fucking years old?
My biggest beef with this, though, is that at 28, anyone in my dating pool is divorced. I’m not saying that people who have been through a divorce shouldn’t be allowed a second shot at love. However, due to my experience with dating, divorced men, it’s something I’m not too enthusiastic about because even though they’ll say they are over their ex, none of them actually are. Of course, everything seems fine until six months into the relationship and they start acting weird and I found out. It’s because my ex this, my ex that. If they are so hung up on somebody who won’t even speak to them anymore, who has them blocked on everything, they never should have started a relationship with somebody else.
I know that I am being a bitch here. I know what an asshole, I sound like. However, as selfish as it is, just once I would like to have someone who is actually in love with me instead of feeling like I’m a replacement for someone I’ll never measure up to. I’m sick and tired of playing second fiddle to some guys first love replaces on a pedestal who won’t even talk to him anymore. But at this age that’s all I’m going to get.
Keep in mind, I don’t seek these people out. I consider myself about as far from conventionally attractive as a person can get in spite of all the different ways I have tried to improve both my appearance, and myself as a person over the years. I don’t actively go out there looking for someone. I just kind of do my own thing and if somebody happens to take an interest in me, I’ll give them a chance.
I don’t have high standards at all. I don’t care about height, appearance, or how much money you make. I care about personality, compatibility, and respect. But there is one dealbreaker I have - Don’t make me live in the shadow of somebody else. I’ve been doing that my whole life. Don’t make me do it in a relationship too.
And yet it seems like that’s too much to ask for. Seems like I’m destined to be Overlooked, second best, just a placeholder for somebody I can never live up to.

I've posted plenty of times here about my crush since the 6th grade. She actually has a boyfriend now and at first I was thinking about finally giving up and moving on, but I've decided to just go with my gut feeling and ask her for another shot with me.
My former best friend is throwing a big graduation party this Friday since we're all graduating middle school and moving on to high school next year. Me and him aren't friends anymore, but I figure that I'm still entitled to an invite since he lives right across the street from me and I've known him longer than any of his so-called popular "friends". I'm going to show up to the party and I'm willing to bet a lot of money that my crush and her new boyfriend are going to be there since her boyfriend is one of the most popular guys on campus.
I'm at a point in my life where I don't care about consequences. I'm going to get what I want. I'm going to the party and I'm going to pursue my crush and finally make her mine. Wish me luck.

Iowa state Out of state transfer!
Is ISU worth being in Ames for school and also I’m majoring in information systems and business analytics and minoring in accounting.
I went to community college for two years for free saved a bunch. In the middle of deciding if I wanna go to Iowa state for 50k ish for two years or go to UWmadison for 90k ( same major) . Haven’t even visited Ames so idk if it’ll be worth it. End of the day less debt the better though any thoughts lmk.
Any help would be appreciated thanks!!

Queer. Friendly. Exotic. Speaks languages and cute. I find my self very energetic, active and suitable for a work at a cafè. Age 27, Middle Eastern. Any advice where to apply for jobs? Part time - full time or mini job! Do not speak German ( yet ) . Hope you understand.

Gimme ideas.
I’m gonna change my name (it’s Abdullah 🗿💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀)
Slave of god ahhh.
Anyway, I’m thinking a Christian name just to give a middle finger to Allah. Maybe Azekial Azreal, Zeke for short (or just Zeke azreal). (And then probably a middle name that I’ll go by). Any other name suggestions, Christian or not would be great.
How should I spend the money I’ll be given throughout uni by my mum before I cut contact (thinking pork and alcohol)?
What non Muslim activities should I do?
Im prolly gonna eat a lil extra during Ramadan to piss off allah.
Sub to gay only fans even though I’m straight and don’t use only fans 🤔🤔🤔

Most study material, tips and tricks caters to students who werent familiar with the way to study, take notes, practice for quizzes or write essays because they werent really taught properly on "how to study." The advice and guides are mostly "How to go from Ds and Fs to good grades" and although a good grade is defined differently by everybody (As, Bs are usually considered good grades, Cs arguable), its never really mentioned "go from C to an A" or "from Bs to an A+."
Bs and Cs (arguable again) are good grades but what does it take for someone to consistently get A+ without a single drop in performance through out the semester. There's many of us who already are familiar with the solid study techniques and strategies, time management, etc. Many of us already implement active recall or doing loads and loads of practice papers and scouting for patterns in them or go to office hours and clear out the doubts but still manage to get a B for that course instead of an A+.
How can those who are already using the solid study strategies while scoring mediocre grades (or grades they arent pleased with) get the top grade each and everytime. Consistently.
(Made this post for those trying to achieve top grades/GPAs for grad school or corporate that require such grades, and was not intended to hurt anybody happy with Bs and Cs or any other grade)
Thanks.

So I’ve been wanting to join the navy for a while and I’ve finally gotten around to talking to a recruiter. I’ve been super interested in the Seabee construction mechanics and wanted to see what there is to expect with that rate, my girlfriend’s grandpa was in during Vietnam and said that most likely I’ll get stationed at Port Hueneme(I live in California but still not taking it as a oh I’m fs getting stationed there).
There is one thing I’ve been stressing about recently. I have a small heart murmur, I’ve read that it’s a combination of having the right paperwork(medical waiver) and a good amount of luck, I’ve been able to do other activities throughout my life just fine, contact and non-contact sports(was captain of my cross country team in high school), fly on either plane or helicopter(doubt that even matters) and swim/travel on a boat. I’m not sure about diving restrictions but idk if at any point I’ll have to be required to dive.
If anyone has any advice or extra information I’m all ears, my recruiter said that she’s had two other people with heart murmurs join up but you know what they say about recruiters and their honesty. Thanks so much!

I started nofap unintentionally a month back, I just stopped one day and realised 3 days in that I haven't done the deed and should keep this going.
I wouldn't say I was a porn addict, but man I liked porn, and sometimes would go all night watching it just because I was bored. I wouldn't say I was lonely, sad or had nothing to do, I have a girlfriend, a good social life and a job that I love. Me and my girlfriend have been together since middle school and will complete 10 years this year! But somehow I would always come back to porn even without a reason.
And one day I just stopped. Had no problems, like ED or self esteem issues, but just thought that I'm not that man anymore.
It's been a month now and oh boy it really does work?! I'm more energetic, my hair is somehow growing back??!!! And yeah my dick is like HUGE now! And I really don't know the science behind this, but I guess it's really just the improved circulation and arousal response.
But by far the best benefit that I have experienced is how nofap MAKES hard things easier for you, and that is VERY useful. I have been a smoker for 9 years, and I just quit a week ago, and it didn't even affect me that much, I have also started to read, learn new things and generally love hard work now. I guess nofap being a very hard challenge in itself, makes everything easier in comparison.
As for what I experienced physically in this one month, well, I was constantly HORNY And thought about choking the chicken multiple times, but kept on going and you can too!
Best of luck brothers

We will be enrolling our now 19-month-old daughter in Montessori in September, and we're thrilled! My wife and I are definitely proponents of the core values of education, and we hope our daughter will thrive in that environment after being with a nanny for the past 1.5 years.
My question - either to the educators in Montessori schools or parents with older children- is when is the best time for her to transition into the new program? Fortunately, this school has a transition period where the children from the previous year arrive first for a week, then slowly phase in new students, first in half-days, and then full. Our daughter is friendly, active, and kind -- but she can be overwhelmed by too many new faces. Should we request that she be one of the first to transition so that she can assimilate to the new environment and peers and then welcome others, or is it best that she go later so she meets everyone at the same time? Or does it not matter?
Thank you!

Considerations on Sexual Immorality, Gender Identity, and my friends Non-Denominational Church.
A good friend of mine from a fairly conservative evangelical background is considering becoming a pastor at his non-denominational church. As part of the evaluation process, they asked him to write a paper on these topics that he is not an expert on.
He asked for my opinion and I offered to share it online to solicit constructive criticism, notes of encouragement, and or reading recommendations on these topics.
I believe his goal is to be faithful to the scriptures, loving to those outside the church, and challenging to those inside the church, as most of us could do better.
What he wrote is in the quotation marks below.
“1: Scope of the Issue
Sexual immorality has become a besetting and ubiquitous issue in our culture and in our churches. While many aspects of it are not novel or unique to this time and have clear scriptural input, there are others that bring challenges to our church for which we don’t have obvious precedent. The main point of these comments is to try and answer three questions with some degree of specificity: (1) how do we make ourselves a place where people who do not know Christ will feel welcome to come and learn of Him regardless of where they come from, (2) how do we pastorally care for people who have come in to the church with pre-existing circumstances related to sexual immorality, and (3) how do we equip our members to represent Christ to those in their lives that are dealing with these issues. We want to do this in a way that does not “walk a tight rope” or compromise to appease, but honors Scripture in its commands to both show compassion and exhort and correct. We must recognize that every individual circumstance is unique, and many will require careful and prayerful consideration, but this is meant to give a framework for that consideration.
2: Scriptural Basis for Corporate Response
There are many references we can point to that discuss and define sexual immorality throughout Scripture and many of these will be used below as we consider specific examples and situations. Let us start, however, by looking at passages that deal with corporate response rather than individual sin. It is clear that the Corinthian church had significant issues in this area, and much of Paul’s first letter was devoted to it. In chapter 5, Paul states that when sexual immorality is discovered in the church we should “mourn” over it and “not to associate with immoral people.” Importantly, he also makes clear in vv. 9-13 that these comments only apply to those “who bears the name of brother.” He explicitly writes, “not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world…for what have I to do with judging outsiders?” This is key in informing our response to those who are not members of the church. If it is our desire to see sinners come through our doors and come to know our Savior through our ministry, then we must be welcoming, accepting them where they are. This is not to say we hide or compromise the biblical position, but it is not an issue on which we want to filter people at the door. There are three categories of people in sexual sin that we need to form a response for. First, those just coming to the church who have not committed to it – these should be treated the same as any we are reaching out to with Christ’s love. They need Jesus, not behavioral change. Next, those who have recently joined the church but have pre-existing sexual sin patterns. This can and should be addressed with patience, dignity, and love. There are often many sin areas in the life of a new believer, and it is prudent to discern how and when to address each of them. Lastly, those who have been members in the church for some amount of time and fall into sexual sin. This is the group that Paul is primarily addressing in 1 Corinthians. While sex within marriage is a private issue, sexual sin cannot be a taboo topic. It needs to be addressed regularly and clearly. We need close enough relationships within the church that such problems do not fester in the dark. We must avoid the typical church pattern to vilify the first group, never see the second group, and pretend the third group doesn’t exist until it all blows up in scandal. May it never be.
3: Consistency Issue
There is a tendency in our Christian culture to treat some sexual sins as worse than others. Like the Corinthians, some things we seem to have accepted as just ubiquitous parts of our culture. Knowing the prevalence of promiscuity and fornication among teens and single adults and usage of pornography even within the church, we tend to address these as issues of indwelling sin, similar to anger or fear of man, with offers of accountability and understanding when someone falls. By contrast, when it comes to homosexuality or adultery, it is often a church discipline issue. We view homosexual marriage as a major problem, but remarriage after a non-biblical divorce is rarely addressed. These inconsistencies lead to stigmatization and polarization and should have no place in the church. The criterion for escalation should be unrepentance, not the nature of the sexual sin. It is clear from 1 Corinthians that all should be taken seriously, but none should be vilified above others.
4: Culture and Identity
The major underlying problem with many of the sexual sin and gender issues is that they have come to be culturally bound up with people’s identities. This is not a new phenomenon and is not unique to this issue. As far back as Acts 19, you see people becoming “enraged” because Paul had threatened the Ephesians’ cultural identity as worshipers of Artemis. People continue to find their primary identities in their employment, hobbies, sports teams, or families rather than Christ. None of these should be accepted, but none should be reviled either. If a person does not know Jesus, they are dead. How they identify themselves is of no concern. Once they have been made alive, they can be taught that “whose” they are is more important than “who” they are. All identity outside of Christ is not sinful, but if it takes paramount importance, it may become so. A person who recognizes a tendency toward same sex attraction may label themselves as gay or lesbian. This should not be considered a sin issue unless it becomes, for them, their defining characteristic or leads to sinful actions. We should recognize the difficulty of this struggle and support such a person rather than get hung up on labels. There must be clear distinction between identifying same sex attraction and engaging in homosexual behavior. These should be the guiding principles underlying everything that follows are regards individual cases.
5: Public Facing Information, Guests, and New Attendees
Considering what we have discussed, and Paul’s assertion in 1 Corinthians 5 that we ought to reserve judgment on sexual immorality to those we call brother, I would submit that public facing information regarding the church (i.e. website, app, etc) should not publish a position on sexual immorality, marriage, and gender identity. Doing so effectively places the filter at the door so that people who do not know Christ may be turned away from it. This is not tantamount to tacit approval. In appropriate contexts within the church, these topics should still be discussed and addressed, but I do not believe it is consistent with a biblical treatment of unbelievers to place it in a public facing forum. If we have guests or new regular attendees who appear to be engaged in a cohabitating or fornicating relationship, a homosexual relationship, or other sexual sin, this should not be a priority to address unless we have discerned that they are believers and join the church. Even then, it is important to draw a distinction between someone who deals with same-sex attraction and someone who engages in homosexual behavior. The next seven points are meant to discuss, in broad terms, how we should address those who join the church with pre-existing relationships or identity issues:
6: Promiscuity, Cohabitation – Hebrews 13:4, 1 Cor 7:1-2, Ex 22:16
Much of the biblical discussion on promiscuity is by inference. Clearly, sex was meant to be inseparably linked to marriage and outside of that context should be considered immoral. For those who join the church already in a sexual relationship who are unmarried we should apply Exodus 22:16 and encourage them to marry as soon as possible. If they do not wish to marry, they should be encouraged to separate. Paul acknowledges in 1 Cor 7:2 that marriage is the best remedy for “temptation to sexual immorality.”
7: Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage – Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-11
This issue is given much more explicit biblical instruction but is often glossed over in our Christian culture due to the messy landscape of divorces and remarriages. In cases where non-biblical divorce has occurred, if reconciliation is possible, this should be pursued. If reconciliation is impossible because one or more parties have remarried, it would not be sensible to divorce again in order to achieve reconciliation. The principle to apply here, I believe, is from 1 Cor 7:17-24 summarized in verse 20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” This is not an ideal circumstance, but it is the best way forward in an imperfect world. Of note, polygamy was common in the culture of the early church, and while not ideal, was accepted by the church, as evidenced by the qualifications for elder to be “a husband of but one wife.” We have polygamous cultures even within our local community and if they came to Christ, we should not counsel them to divorce all but one wife and thus disrupt their social structure. It is not ideal and would disqualify them from eldership, but they should remain as they are. Whether marriage after unbiblical divorce in the past disqualifies a man from eldership is a case-by case question for the eldership.
8: Pornography, Sensuality, and Lust – Lev 18:6-18, Matt 5:28
As mentioned above, use of pornography has reached a high saturation point within our culture and within our church. While once thought of as simply a male issue, there is a growing trend toward gender parity in pornography usage. It is an issue that should be discussed with some frequency within our church. For those that join the church and view pornography regularly, it needs to be made clear that while the world has largely destigmatized it, it is still sexual immorality. Furthermore, this isn’t just limited to nudity and pornography, but any sensuality that leads to looking at someone “with lustful intent” is the heart equivalent of adultery according to Matt 5:28. In our culture, it is not possible to avoid such things by just turning away. We need to address the heart issues of idolatry, selfishness, and satisfaction in Christ. Practically, how should we deal with those who have on-going struggles with pornography, sensuality and lust? Should this preclude them from eldership? From deaconship? Taken strictly, this would preclude nearly all men from eldership. These require individual evaluation from the elders, but a guiding principle should be, if the person is repentant and there is evidence of growth in their life, we should consider more responsibility and continued discipleship.
9: Homosexuality – Lev 18:22, Lev 20:13, 1 Cor 6:9, 1 Tim 1:8-11
From the above references and others, it is evident that homosexual behavior is sexual sin. We cannot equivocate on that point. As we have discussed above, if a person who is already a believer and in the church and struggles with same sex attraction, we should approach them as we would handle anyone who is sexually attracted to someone to whom they are not married. If such a person decides that homosexuality is not sinful and begins sexually immoral activity, we should deal with them in the same way as any member who falls into unrepentant sin and go through the processes of correction and, if necessary, of church discipline. It is important that we draw a distinction between same sex attraction and homosexual behavior. We can do tremendous harm by demonizing same sex attraction and creating a taboo around it. A person who is struggling to abstain from homosexual behavior should be supported and encouraged. I believe Paul’s strong statements about not associating with sexually immoral people applies to those who remain unrepentant. Much more nuanced is the issue of how we address those that join the church already in a homosexual relationship. What about the married homosexual couple who join the church with their adopted child? Should we break up their family? I believe, in this case, the same principle should apply as to those who have gone through an unbiblical divorce in the past. We should apply 1 Cor 7:20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” We can recognize that this is not ideal, but it is the best we can do in a fallen world just as we do with someone who is married after unbiblical divorce. Whether should apply to a homosexual couple in a long term committed relationship who are not legally married would be an individual discussion with the elders. Again, these are nuanced cases that will need individual prayer, discussion, and discernment. I believe a great deal more patience is called for when a new believer joins the church that has a history or present reality of homosexuality, even if they are unrepentant at first, believing that homosexuality is not sinful, than we would demonstrate to a person who has been in the church for a period of time and then decides to pursue a homosexual relationship.
10: Bisexuality – Heb 13:4
Bisexual attraction is no more or less of an issue than anyone who finds that they are sexually attracted to someone other than their spouse. This is not a rare or unique circumstance, even within the church. Someone who is practicing bisexuality is, by definition, not confining sex to the marriage bed, and this, therefore, qualifies as sexual immorality. The issue, here again, is one of identity and cultural acceptance. If a person “identifies as bisexual,” the real issue is not the bisexuality, but the fact that they identify themselves primarily by their sexual desires, and not by Christ. It would be equally a problem if they “identified as heterosexual” and that was seen as their defining characteristic. If such a person were to join the church, our priority should be in helping them see their identity in Christ rather than focusing on renouncing their sexual preference.
11: Transgenderism/Non-binarism – Psalm 139: 13-15
It should be noted that the next two points should not be considered in the category of sexual immorality, but as they are connected to the same cultural moment will be discussed here. It should further be remarked that transgenderism is a modern issue with no direct reference in Scripture. It is a challenging issue that often falls prey to oversimplification and scapegoating. It is not sufficient to simply state that a person should identify with their born gender. There are those born with ambiguous genitalia and those born with sex chromosome abnormalities such that “born gender” is not necessarily accurate. These occur with a frequency of 1 in 448 births on average which is not particularly rare. The majority of people who consider themselves to be transgender do not fall into these categories, but the fact remains that these categories exist. Unless we plan to embark on genetic testing, we must be careful how we assert someone’s gender assignment. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that much of the gender confusion in our culture is due to a distortion of biblically accurate masculinity and femininity in our culture of which the church has been widely supportive for generations. Many transgender and non-binary individuals consider themselves so because they do not fit into the traditional boxes our culture has created for the genders. The church can start by recognizing that these boxes are incorrect. We can also acknowledge that gender differences and roles are far less important than most human cultures perceive. Christ himself challenged many gender norms in his ministry and Paul maintains “…there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28b) It is much more difficult to recognize this issue as a sin issue than many of the above concerns. If someone wishes to be addressed by different pronouns than they once did or dress differently than they once did, this does not amount to immorality. Once again, this can be an idolatrous identity issue if the person sees it as the central characteristic of their lives. There is often an inherent pride in asserting that such a person does not feel they fit in the body created for them, but if they come to love Jesus and understand and believe that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made” then this issue may become moot. Whether or not they revert to dressing differently or using pronouns they did when they were younger is largely immaterial. This also addresses the issue of people who may have undergone permanent physical changes. While we should not endorse such modification if it is being considered, there is no reason to reverse such a thing in order to return to a base state. We must recognize that this is a group that has a high propensity toward mental health concerns, instability, and suicidality. They need love, support and prayer, not scapegoating and extra-biblical expectations of conforming to a cultural norm. We must further note that this group as well as the homosexual group have often experienced psychological and even physical harm from others in our culture, sometimes in the name of Christ. We must foster an environment of champions physical and psychological safety for these people.
12: Asexuality – 1 Cor 7:25-38
Asexuality also should not be considered sexual immorality. There is, in fact, wide support in Paul’s letters such as in 1 Cor 7 for people, if they are able, to remain unmarried and be “anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” We tend to champion the model of the nuclear family in our Christian culture, but Paul sees chaste singleness as a better way. There should be no pressure from the church to make sure that single people pair off and get married because it is expected of them. As this state has been culturally identified with the LGBTQIA movement, it is seen on the same spectrum as the sexual immorality and gender issues discussed above, but it is not. It can still fall prey to the same issue of an idolatrous identity as some of the above issues, but it need not be so.
13: Glass Ceiling
In the event that God sees fit to bring people from these subgroups into our church, there would inevitably be a glass ceiling. The question is at what point. The four logical points are: regular attender, member, deacon, and elder. Regardless of their background or position, all should be welcome to be a regular attender. It is also clear, from the biblical requirements for eldership, that on-going problems or engagement in any of the sexual sins would disqualify them from that post. The middle two are less clear. I would submit that the bar for membership should be very low. This step, in my opinion, is when they would “bear the name of brother” and not before. Even if they disagree about the sinful nature of homosexuality, this should not disallow them from becoming members as long as they agree to submit to the churches position and not cause division. Allowing them to become members gives us the pastoral authority to speak into their lives, and we would hope that over time the Spirit would work in their hearts to convince them of the truth. Putting such a person in a deacon role would probably not be wise but would need to be evaluated prayerfully on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty here is that, while a position on homosexuality is not a salvific issue and should not be considered a core doctrine in the same way as the deity of Christ, for example, it is a sin issue. There is a limit to how far we can “agree to disagree” and still uphold our duty to root out sin in our midst. Once again, we should also distinguish between a struggle with same sex attraction and engagement in homosexual behavior when we consider our response. There is also a glass ceiling when it comes to marriage. While I believe we should not break up existing homosexual marriages, we should not participate in creating them. The marriage covenant between a man and woman was created, in part, to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph 5). This should not be co-opted to excuse or normalize immorality.
14: Nuance and Edge Cases
The above outline is by no means meant to be exhaustive or definitive. It is meant to provide a lens, supported by scripture, through which we can view these issues and consider corporate and pastoral responses. It should inform how we view the people that walk through the door from a wide range of backgrounds and how we equip those in our church to be Christ’s ambassadors to those in our community. Every person and circumstance, history and baggage will be different, and any non-nuanced position would be inherently evil. I pray we have many opportunities to talk, think and pray through specific situations that God would bless us with the chance to be a part of. What an honor it would be to be used to reach into broken lives like these with the Gospel of Grace.
15: Action Steps
As we consider practical and philosophical ways of responding to the above, I believe we should start from a position of corporate repentance. If we wish to truly reach out and touch the lives of broken people in need of a Savior who live a life of same sex attraction or gender dysphoria, we need to begin by recognizing that a great deal of harm, emotional and physical, has been inflicted on this group by the Church for generations. There are homeless people living in our area who were kicked out of their homes by parents holding a Bible. There are those who have been subjected to horrific methods that amount to torture under the guise of “Conversion Therapy” from Christian organizations. The only “conversion” we should concern ourselves with is to a regenerate heart. Attempting to change someone’s sexual attraction is very much beside the point. We cannot hope to be a place where such people can hear about Jesus unless they feel safe to enter our doors. We must also fight the tendency to consider sin in this area as something worse than others, even in non-Christians. James 2 says “…For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it….So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” As we consider corporate and pastoral responses to the argument above, we must start by removing our own planks and repenting for the historical actions of the Church.
Practical steps that we could consider taking would include: removing the statements from the website about marriage and sexuality, especially directly under our Core Beliefs. Again, this is not meant to hide or equivocate on the truth, but not to set such a barrier before someone even walks through our door. Secondly, we should consider how to address these topics within the church. A Sunday morning sermon is not ideal as it is time limited and a unidirectional conversation. A small group course format would be a consideration. We need to equip parents and family members of adolescents, teens, and adults with language to talk about these things in loving, humble, God-honoring ways. In the longer term, we need to consider how we can make our church a place where people would feel comfortable inviting friends and family who look, think and act differently than we do. We need to find a way of projecting safety and inclusion even in our public facing information. This isn’t a balancing act where we must make it clear early and often that we “love the sinner but hate the sin” as the saying goes. We just need to love the sinner. Dealing with the sin can come later God-willing. A third application point is to be mindful of what we say and what we allow to be said without being checked. Certainly, joking at the expense of those who are dealing with these issues is unacceptable, but we also need to work to avoid getting dragged in to pseudo-political discussions on bathroom issues, sports issues or other divisive concerns that have no bearing on the church.
I recognize that these proposals have the potential to divide the church. There are some who may leave the body over these sorts of changes. I would argue that it is our responsibility to them as well as to the unreached in our community to have those discussions and risk some of them leaving over it. These are not all things we should change overnight but after ample opportunities for discussions and prayer.
16: Conclusion – Mark 2:15-17
At its core, these are not issues of who someone loves, sexual attraction, or even specific sex acts. The core is idolatry and identity. When acceptance by others, self-determination, or physical pleasure become the central force driving our lives then we have become idolators. Though our idols take on different shapes, the struggles in this space are shared by all. Whether you are identified by your profession, your family, or your gender identity, you are not being identified by your Master. Building fences around or within the church because someone sins in a different way than us cannot be allowed. Making the excuse that we are somehow “protecting our children” by shielding them from people in our community who desperately need a Savior will not show our children who Jesus is. Within the church, we cannot be afraid to “speak the truth in love.” We need not and cannot shy away from sin in the church, but we must recognize that the Spirit works in each of our lives. Often this happens over a period of time. We should be prepared to walk alongside our brothers and sisters in this journey for as long as they need.
There is a significant correlation between this community and their relationship with religious groups, and the “tax collectors and sinners” that Jesus sought out in His ministry and their relationship with the religious leaders of the day. Our heart should reflect His. Jesus responded: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) If our church was filled with transgender people and gay families that loved Jesus, God would be glorified.”
Thank you in advance for any constructive criticism, notes of encouragement to and or reading recommendations on these topics that I can pass along.

Hi RAoCers!
I would love your help surprising a dear friend for her birthday. Last year, she was completely shocked and awestruck by all your wonderful well wishes. She definitely did not know this kind corner of the Internet existed. I would love to surprise her again next month! I've known her since our middle and high school days, but we only recently reconnected these last few years through snail mail. She is an all-around awesome, caring person and works as a home health aide.
Any cards would be sincerely appreciated. Her birthday is on June 15. Late cards are welcomed since I plan to see her at the end of June. Her favorite colors are purple, red, bright colors, loves humor, proud pet mama, kayaking, music, and anything kawaii. Any card would be cherished and adored!
Please include your username on envelope so that I can post a TY! If you would like a return "Thank You" card, please include a return address. Thank you so much!
EDIT: I will be giving out my address and will collect the cards to pass on to her!
Thank you, Mods! (I made this mistake last year, too. :))

Hi all, just asking for some help fleshing out my school list. Here are my stats:
ORM, Ohio resident, 4.0 GPA, MCAT TBD but FL average was 519, working on the assumption I scored between 512-520. I’ll know the score June 4th, so I plan to submit all of these schools on my list so far, and can do additional higher or lower tier schools right after based on this score.
500 clinical hours 200 research+ not significant author pub 500 clinical research (most are expected hours) 25 shadowing 300 non-clinical volunteering (one organization, fairly strong story, high involvement and leadership) 450 role through school, very leadership and community oriented, ~300 various hobby and extracurricular activity hours
Albany CMU Rosalind Franklin Drexel Quinnipiac Indiana Temple Loyola Chicago Northeast Ohio OSU Rush Toledo Cincinnati Colorado Pitt UMiami UVA Western Mich Wright State
I guess I’m looking for two different kinds of schools- a couple extra safeties if my MCAT is lower than expected, and a couple of extra higher tier, non-instate biased schools if it’s around where I expect or higher.
Are there any schools I should take off of here? I tried to do solid research through MSAR but a second pair of eyes would be great.
Edit I’m sorry for the formatting, mobile failed me

I've been a professional white collar worker in marketing for almost 10 years now and have never been able to break into middle management or even get a simple promotion to a manager-level role all due to sheer bad luck and poor career timing I've had no control over.
I've been with two Fortune 500 employers but simultaneously in situations where there have been no growth opportunities, causing me to move on to other employers. I was with the first employer for 3 years and for the second employer, I contracted with them for 2 years and spent an additional 2 years in a full-time role.
I feel beyond prepared to hold a manager title. I've only ever gotten great performance reviews but have never had promotion opportunities because of bad circumstances (hiring freezes, bad job markets, no open headcount, etc.)
I know titles aren't everything but they're indicative that you've contributed value and have actually progressed. Not having a manager title has made me feel insecure about my ability to deliver even though I've only ever had good performance reviews.
Now I'm actively searching for manager-level roles. I'm curious if it's a red flag to hiring leaders of manager-level marketing roles that I've sat in an associate level for so long, even if not intentionally? If it's a red flag, any advice on how to compensate for that drawback?