Heart gold ar cheat codes

A forum dedicated to the fourth generation Pokémon games HeartGold & SoulSilver

2021.07.19 23:29 Mathias_Greyjoy A forum dedicated to the fourth generation Pokémon games HeartGold & SoulSilver

A forum dedicated to the Pokémon games HeartGold & SoulSilver, remakes of the original Pokémon Gold & Silver games released in 1999.
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2010.08.13 20:06 World of Tanks for PC and Consoles

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2024.05.21 15:43 PetrZitskiy Inside the Life of a Casino Dealer

Inside the Life of a Casino Dealer
[ Inside the Life of a Casino Dealer ]
The life of a casino dealer is a fascinating blend of skill, interaction, and the high-energy environment of the gaming floor. From the hustle and bustle of dealing cards and managing bets to the unique challenges and rewards of the job, being a casino dealer offers a behind-the-scenes look at the world of gambling. Here’s an in-depth look at what it’s like to live the life of a casino dealer.

1. Training and Skills

Becoming a Dealer To become a casino dealer, one must undergo rigorous training. Most aspiring dealers attend specialized dealer schools where they learn the rules and procedures of various games such as blackjack, roulette, poker, and baccarat. Training also covers the technical aspects of the job, including handling chips, shuffling cards, and managing bets.
Key Skills
  • Mathematics: Dealers must quickly and accurately calculate payouts and bets.
  • Manual Dexterity: Handling cards and chips smoothly and efficiently is crucial.
  • Customer Service: Interacting with players, maintaining a friendly demeanor, and handling disputes require excellent interpersonal skills.
  • Attention to Detail: Dealers must be vigilant to ensure game integrity and spot any irregularities or cheating attempts.

2. A Typical Day

Pre-Shift Preparation Dealers typically start their day by arriving at the casino well before their shift. They sign in, receive their table assignments, and often attend brief meetings where they are updated on any changes or special events. Personal grooming and adhering to the casino's dress code are essential, as appearance and professionalism are highly valued.
On the Gaming Floor Once on the floor, dealers take their positions at their assigned tables. They greet players, explain the rules if necessary, and begin the game. A dealer’s shift usually lasts eight hours, with breaks every hour or two to rest and refresh.
Dealing and Interacting Throughout their shift, dealers:
  • Deal Cards and Spin Wheels: For card games, dealers shuffle and deal cards; for roulette, they spin the wheel and manage bets.
  • Manage Bets and Payouts: Keeping track of bets and ensuring accurate payouts is a primary responsibility.
  • Engage with Players: Dealers must be personable, keeping the atmosphere light and enjoyable while maintaining control of the game.
  • Monitor the Game: They must stay alert to ensure all players follow the rules and that no cheating occurs.

3. Challenges

Long Hours and Odd Shifts Dealers often work long hours, including nights, weekends, and holidays. The casino never sleeps, so dealers must adapt to varying schedules, which can be physically and mentally demanding.
Dealing with Difficult Customers Not all players are gracious winners or losers. Dealers must handle difficult customers with patience and professionalism, de-escalating situations and maintaining a positive gaming environment.
Job Stress The fast-paced nature of the job, coupled with the need for constant vigilance and accuracy, can be stressful. Dealers must manage this stress to perform effectively and maintain a friendly demeanor.

4. Rewards

Compensation Dealers typically earn a base hourly wage, which can vary depending on the casino and location. However, a significant portion of their income comes from tips. Skilled dealers who engage well with players can earn substantial tips, sometimes surpassing their base salary.
Career Growth There are opportunities for advancement within the casino industry. Experienced dealers can move up to supervisory roles, become pit bosses, or even transition into casino management.
Unique Work Environment Working as a dealer offers a dynamic and vibrant environment. The casino floor is lively and exciting, providing a unique workplace experience that is far from monotonous.

5. Personal Stories

Dealer Tales Many dealers have interesting stories to share about their experiences on the floor. From dealing to high-rollers and celebrities to witnessing incredible winning streaks or dealing with quirky players, these stories add a personal touch to the life of a dealer.
Building Relationships Dealers often build rapport with regular players, creating a sense of community and familiarity within the casino. These relationships can make the job more enjoyable and fulfilling.

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The life of a casino dealer is a blend of skill, excitement, and challenges. It requires a unique set of talents, from mathematical prowess and manual dexterity to customer service and stress management. Despite the demanding nature of the job, many dealers find it rewarding due to the dynamic environment, the potential for good earnings, and the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. For those who thrive in high-energy settings and enjoy games of chance, a career as a casino dealer can be both an exciting and fulfilling path.
submitted by PetrZitskiy to BestCryptoCasinosUS [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:42 Caught_slipn The only reason I beat the heart gold E4 (no items in battle)

The only reason I beat the heart gold E4 (no items in battle)
Why does almost the entire E4 have pokemon to set up evasion boosting moves 😭😭😭 had swift on typhlosion just in case but man this set put up a triple double
submitted by Caught_slipn to nuzlocke [link] [comments]


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2024.05.21 15:34 FabiusTheDelayer I'm not Jewish. But you know what the truth being hidden from us actually might be?

I'll divide this into parts so it's easy to read. Also, I don't think you should take my ramblings at face value. Hell there isn't a single human who knows the entire truth. It's impossible to pinpoint what went down on earth - perhaps only God knows that.
Tartaria:
It existed in central Asia, between Iran and India allegedly. Indian and Chinese texts confirm that BUT they don't speak of a thriving class A civilization. The Class A civilizations before the East India Company fuckery were India and China. Ever hear the term mogul being thrown in the English lexicon? India and China were brimming with gold, wealth and trade - like at least 70% of world GDP happened here. There is plenty of material in Delhi in the national archives - I have spent like 12 years there - the Indian government has done a really bad fucking job digitizing them - a lot of the shit is in Sanskrit, Urdu and Tamil. I'm Tamil by the way. The Bagwad Gita in Sanskrit says a lot more than the shit that British translators put out. You're not reading the same book - the same can be said about the Septuagint v Vulgate. I think the King James Bible did us dirty - I learnt Latin in catholic school in India and yeah, the KJV and Vulgate are like reading 2 different books.
The God of the Bible:
Does Jesus ever name Yahweh? He does not. He always mentions the father. I don't think who he calls Father is Yahweh or El or whatever. I have come to believe the God of Genesis is not the same God as the Old Testament progresses. It's a collection of books. As a Catholic, I have begun to completely ignore the OT. Everything you need - love, advice, acceptance and redemption comes out of the mouth of Jesus - and if you believe in the Trinity which I do, he is the manifestation of the father.
This is also a belief held by many catholic clergy but they fear heresy more than anything. Another reason why Jerome, Aquinas, Francis of Assissi pore over Jesus' words and only make slight references to Ezekiel or Elijah or Samuel.
Atlantis:
This one is huge. Atlantis has been made a joke. It's been laughed out of mainstream history as a myth while the fucking elites have always been on the hunt for Atlantean artifacts, the tuai stones, the Akashic records etc., and also Atlantean craft which helped them navigate the world - the Piri Reis map was most likely from the Akashic records or some Atlantean docs left behind which had exact maps of Antarctica and the Americas. It's believed that the Atlanteans left knowledge in various parts of the world - one rumored to be under the Sphinx, coz they knew the flood was coming and they wanted posterity to find and use their tech.
Hitler was obsessed with finding out about Atlantean artifacts. The psychic witches in the Thule, Vril and Ahnenerbe societies claimed to have established contact with ETs or past Atlanteans. All claims - this is another rabbit hole folks - if you go down this hole, it establishes that the Germans already broke away and are living outside the earth - aka they were inter-galactic. The Nacht Waffen or whatever is another rabbit hole that's seriously scary and is mentally exhausting.
The Elites and their worship of Baal/Moloch:
The OT formally forbids sacrifices to Baal and Moloch. Then why do you find references to Moloch in wikileaks where Hill wants to offer a chicken (code word for young minor male) to Moloch. Why the inverted cross? Why the black mass? Why the very mention of Jesus triggers them? Why are they into Baphomet, the goat headed demon in Charlie's new portrait?
The elites are not stupid. This is your biggest clue that there is some truth to Jesus, redemption, salvation and it's not total kookoo.
A priest once told me the elites (including the vatican) "KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT GOD". Many have told me this and they won't go further. What I have pieced together is that God is a form of energy that is related to dark matter, dark energy - and that's why there is good and evil, like ying and yang. And that a figurehead like Jesus is the manifestation of God the good to take humanity to a higher level of consciousness. The elites have aligned themselves with the dark side, all their rituals are Luciferian and are an inversion of Good. Why? Are they not afraid of consequences? This is what I am still looking for. What deal have they made with the dark forces? There are Satanists inside the Vatican. They engage in the black mass and in the honor of Lucifer the light bringer.
I still don't have a solid answer on the draw to Satanism. Their rituals are detailed and ceremonial. Like the cremation of care in Bohemian grove.
The Annunakis:
The theory is that they came to earth to terraform the homo erectus who was the dominant creature living here. It's pretty much the plot of the movie Prometheus. I am studying this one, but there is a lot of BS on the internet regarding the annunakis. If you listen to Billy Carson, he will speak as though this is established fact when 99% of scholars dismiss the book (which I wonder why)
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Can only ship within the continental US. F&F preferred, but will do G&S. Prices from Price Charting, but I'm open to negotiation! Buyer pays $10 (fits several games) for USPS Priority Mail (tracking number, boxed & padded). Photos on request. All games NTSC. All games tested and working on original consoles.
Nintendo 64
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2024.05.21 15:25 Ghost-Quartet Happy 120th Birthday to Fats Waller - A look at the music and legacy of one of pop's greatest entertainers

https://facts.net/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/15-facts-about-fats-waller-1689249690.jpg
This is a subreddit primarily focused on modern pop music, but for his 120th birthday I want to take a moment to remember one of the most iconic pop acts in American history:

Thomas Wright "Fats" Waller

A jazz pianist, a singer, and a prolific songwriter famous for his ability to jump onstage and "lift up the band," Fats Waller was a regular fixture of the nightlife scene in New York (an important figure of the legendary Harlem Renaissance) and toured his act all around the country in addition to working as a recording artist in the budding record industry.
In a way, he was one of America's first pop stars- a musical prodigy who dropped out of high school, broke into the music industry when he was a teen, sold tons of records, and developed a huge onstage persona and lived a hard partying lifestyle. We've heard that story a million times, but Fats did it first.
An often repeated story about him recounts a shocking incident where gangster Al Capone kidnapped him off the street to force him to play at a birthday party, because everybody wanted to party with Fats Waller! A less repeated story is this one I found in an NPR article that describes him selling eight of his original songs in exchange for eight hamburgers, which he then consumed in a single sitting.
So certainly, a larger than life figure.

The Records

His legacy as a founding figure of America's pop scene extends to a place you might not expect: back in 1926, he signed a recording contract with the Victor Talking Machine Company, one of the earliest manufacturers and distributors of phonographs and records, which would be bought out by the Radio Corporation of America (RCA) in 1929. Then in 1968, the company would be renamed... RCA Records!
RCA is still a powerful record label today and it's partially thanks to Fats, who was a big moneymaker for them in the early days of the record industry when they were literally selling records.
Over the course of his twenty five year career, he copyrighted around five hundred recordings- supposedly, the label would send him into a recording booth with bunches of sheet music bought from Tin Pan Alley composers and he would rearrange them on the spot to give them that special Fats Waller touch!
But he's best remembered for his skills as a pianist and, most importantly, his songwriting skills. I want to take a moment to highlight that because I firmly believe he's one of the greatest songwriters in history- many of his hits have been accepted as standards and are still in rotation with jazz singers today.

The Music

You might have heard his song "Ain't Misbehavin'," which became something of his signature song after he performed it in the landmark film Stormy Weather (1943), and it's the perfect encapsulation of his style. A clever piano line, a catchy melody, a touch of humor, and a lot of heart. It's just timeless music.
I know for certain / The one I love
I'm through with flirtin' / It's just you I'm thinkin' of
Ain't misbehavin' / Saving my love for you (for you)
(And you) (And you)
There's a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor to the song that's signature Fats- in addition to the lyrics he wrote, he was known to improv and throw new jokes in on the fly during live performances.
We're lucky enough to have footage of him performing "Your Feets Too Big" (another one of his signature numbers where he chastises a woman for, you guessed it, her foot size) and you can just see the charisma oozing off of him as he banters with the band and makes eyes at the camera. All while playing the piano too!
And he was no innocent either, often lacing his songs with innuendo that will shatter any illusions you have about old music being overly conservative. Take, for example, Hattie Noel's recording of "Find Out What They Like," which begins with a disclaimer that the song is "strictly about home cooking" before she sings this:
Find out what he likes / And how he likes it
Go on and give it to him just that way
Give it to him when he wants it / And any time he wants it
And don't you have a single word to say!
He was often performing in nightclubs and bars, which meant he knew how to get the crowd going- "The Joint Is Jumpin'" is the quintessential 1920s party anthem, with the title referring to a secret code phrase that bootleggers would use during the prohibition era to let people know that a party had illegal alcohol. The jaunty music he wrote did a lot to get people on the dance floors as well!
But though he's associated with lively entertainment, there was some grit beneath all that as well. Despite his success, Waller was still a black man living in early 20th century America, and he channelled that into legendary "Black and Blue" (a hit for Louis Armstrong) which is considered by some to be one of the first jazz protest songs:
I'm white inside, but that don't help my case / 'Cause I can't hide what is in my face
How would it end? Ain't got a friend / My only sin is in my skin
What did I do to be so black and blue?
Whatever the occasion, Fats had a song for it.

The End

But like a lot of great artists, Fats had his troubles. He was known for his hard partying lifestyle and frequent money problems that pushed him to be constantly working, and he would tragically pass away in 1943 from pneumonia while on tour.
The man was only 39 years old at the time, but as of today his legacy officially stretches 120 years! So spin a record today for Fats Waller, and get the joint jumpin' in his memory.
If you'd like to hear more of his music, I'd strongly recommend setting aside ninety minutes to watch the Broadway musical Ain't Misbehavin' because it's an incredible piece of theatre that showcases his music spectacularly. Diana Ross & The Supremes did an adorable tribute to him on The Ed Sullivan Show that's worth a watch too.
Any other Fats Waller fans in the sub? What are some of your favorite recordings of his songs?
submitted by Ghost-Quartet to popheads [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:24 GlumConcert1649 How do I distance myself from my parents?

I'm (15f) and I genuinely don't think I can handle being close to my parents anymore for the sake of my mental health. I can't even list the amount of times they have given me panic/anxiety attacks and caused me to have a mental breakdown.
My mom(37f)is not as bad as my dad(42m), but there are times when she just snaps and it's kind of like walking on egg shells. I wore sweatpants today at school because I kept wearing the same two pairs of jeans and sweatpants aren't against the dress code and my mom starts screaming at me about it. I understand her getting mad because being presentable is important, but the issue is her yelling constantly, that I genuinely can't stand it anymore. This sweatpants matter isn't even had, she's done stuff that's actually bad, but the main issue is that my mom doesn't know how to control her anger. I know that many of you think that she's in the right for yelling about the sweatpants and I understand, but she will yell about anything and will ignore my brother and I when we try to rationalize with her. Even when she's clearly in the erongx she refuses to listen. She also often "jokes" about me talking too much, but she's been doing it for years to the point it actually hurts my feelings.
My dad is way worse than my mom though. Even though my mom has some trouble controlling her anger and so, my dad is horrible at it. He will constantly switch from happy at one moment to angry at everybody else next, even my mom. He's cheated on my mom after she's cheated on him, but he still cheats. While I was eight, I heard him on a call with her and I thought he said he was gonna go somewhere with her, so I told my mom and she ended up telling my dad. He slapped my face hard to the point my face was stinging, then went on to yell at me and tell me to wipe my tears. He made me iron my clothes for school, then grabbed me by my shirt collar and started yelling at me again. But lo and behold, he left to go with his side chick for the night. That was the only time he physically hurt me, but he's definitely mentally abusive. He even used to be physically abusive towards my mom and ended up getting arrested for it for a day. I gave the cops a piece of info that was true that ended up leading to his arrest, and my mom said it was all my fault. She's apologized since then, but that will always stay with me. My mom and dad didn't see each other for awhile after that, but like always they forgave each other again, more like my mom forgave my dad again. He doesn't abuse her anymore, but there are so many situations I could list where he's horrible to everyone including me.
I can't take this family anymore, it's so incredibly toxic that this all seems like made up bs. Everytime they do something wrong, they do something nice afterwards and it makes me forgive them, (majority of the time my mom doesn't ask for forgiveness and my dad doesn't ask at all), but the bad stuff they do far outweighs the good stuff. Yet, I keep thinking that they're going to change and that they are just under stress. How do I somewhat distance myself from the both of them.
submitted by GlumConcert1649 to toxicparents [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:23 RomanEmperorRamyJay EATING MEAT ONLY FOR 30 DAYS

EATING MEAT ONLY FOR 30 DAYS submitted by RomanEmperorRamyJay to u/RomanEmperorRamyJay [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:21 unavngiven My mom died... [Very long post]

This is my first reddit post, although I have been a long time lurker of many subreddits. I am 23 years old and an only child. I am not a native english speaker, so please forgive any weird formatting or any spelling/grammar mistakes.
As the title states, my mom died ... and I am currently writing this to try and process this whole situation. I've tried to section all the paragraphs in chronological order, to make reading easier. Sorry for the extremely long post - I just needed to get it all out.
We only just celebrated her 60th birthday back in february. She did all the cooking, cleaning and planning without any trouble - even down to picking out the perfect napkins and flowers for her white and gold theme.
My mother was without a job. She had been jobless for almost 2 years now, after she was fired from her old cleaning job due to frequent sick days because of stomach cramps and pain. She was seen by a doctor back in 2022 for her stomach aches, and they found no physical cause - hence why we concluded it must've been due to stress. The stress and stomach pains subsided after she'd been fired. So we thought no more of it.
In march she was doing a 4-week internship in a local supermarket to see if she might've been a good fit for a permanent paid position. This is common practice for unemployeed people here in Denmark.
My mother started having stomach pains again during this internship, soon followed by back pains as well. She figured this was due to her spending most of the day sitting as a cashier in an uncomfortable position. My mother wasn't very tall, so she had trouble reaching the floor pedals that control the cashier conveyer belt.
In the beginning of april, she went to the doctor. Her stomach and back pains hadn't gone away although the internship was over. Her doctor also concluded it was most likely due to her uncomfortable working position, and that it would pass in a few weeks time. The doctor did some bloodwork, and found that she was severely lacking vitamin D, but nothing else seemed concerning at the time.
In the middle of april, her pains had only gotten worse, and she went to the doctor again. Her doctor did more bloodwork, and did a phisycal exam of my mothers stomach. Her doctor ordered a CT scan to check for anything serious.
19th of april. I accompany my mother to the hospital for her CT scan. We get told that we'll have the results in a week or so. My mother is not looking good when I pick her up at the bus station. She is more pale than usual, and has trouble walking at her usual pace.
23th of april. My mother received a referral to a meeting at the hospital with a doctor and nurse, to discuss the results of the CT scan. This referral is sent from the hospitals cancer department. My mother and I speak on the phone, she is concerned, but I tell her that this type of referral must just be standard pratice, and that she shouldn't worry untill we have spoken with the doctor. I cried that night.
25th of april. The day before her meeting with the doctor, I received a phone call from my mother. She tells me that she had fallen while at home, but that I shouldn't worry. I, of course, worry.
I pack my things and leave for my mothers house, I live an hour away by bus. When I finally arrive my mother seems okay-ish, but the house is another story. My mother is normally known for being a clean freak, and her house has always been clean and organized, But it wasn't anymore.
Her kitchen was a mess, and the dishwasher hadn't been empited or loaded for at least two weeks. Her bathroom is even worse, and I won't even begin to describe the state of the toilet it self. It is a sight that will horrify me for the rest of my life. I cleaned everything, while my mother rested.
My mother had also started sleeping on the guest bed, saying her own was too uncomfortable for her.
While cleaning the bathroom, my mother wakes up. Despite her state, she says she wants to help. But before I can even tell her no, my mother has another fall. Her legs essentially just crumble beneath her, and she falls backwards and lands head first on the floor. We argue back and forth about calling an ambulance, but she refuses to let me - so I don't, even though I should have. I guess I still respected my moms authority too much.
My mother lives alone, as my parents are divorced (they are very good friends though). My mother refuses to let me call my dad and tell him about this whole situation. She is stubborn and too proud to admit defeat.
26th of april. We take a taxi to the hospital. The taxi driver has a help my mother into the car. During the carride my mother says very little, but seems slightly delirious and very tired. When we arrive at the hospital, I quickly borrow a hospital wheelchair for my mother. She is almost unable to walk unassisted at this point.
After waiting for a while in the waiting area, a nurse comes and guides us to a meeting room. My mother is very tired at this point, and still delirious, and I have to handle most of the conversation with the doctor.
The CT scan results showed Pancreatic cancer. The cancer had already spread to her liver and abdomial cavity.
I had read about this cancer a few days prior, trying to figure out what was wrong with my mother. I knew what this meant, and I knew that it was effectively a death sentence. The doctor told us that an operation was out of the question, since the cancer had already spread. And due to the clearly weak state of my mothers health, chemo would also not be offered, as it would finish her.
I told the doctor of her two falls and the state of her home, and that she would not be safe on her own. The doctor had her admitted to a nearby bed department for stomach- and gastrointestinal surgery patients.
The hospital did a ton of bloodwork on my mother when she got admitted, and everything was off. All numbers were either too high or dangerously low. My mothers health was in fact so bad, that I was told she was a heart attack risk. I was also told that if a heart attack happened, she would not be brought back - as it would only prolong a very short and painful life.
I called my dad.
27th of april. My mother slept most of the day.
28th of april. My mother had another fall during the night, trying to get to the bathroom.
29th of april. My dad shows up to the hospital. He wasn't able to get off work until now, as he works in the other end of the country. He is shocked to see my mother in this state. We are told once again by a different doctor that nothing can be done. They are looking into getting her a spot at a nearby hospice.
The rest of the remaining week is spent in hospital. My dad and I are by my mothers side every day. She doesn't leave her hospital room, apart from a few times a day for a smoke break outside. My dad and I take her outside in a wheelchair, which she needs help to get in and out of.
Her bloodwork is showing some slight improvements, but she is still having trouble with infections and receives a lot of antibiotics. She eats like a mouse, but drinks a lot of fluids.
My mother is often very confused or tired most days. She gets referred for an MR scan, to see if the cancer has spread to her brain, or if one of her falls has caused permanent damage. Lucikly the MR scan shows that nothing is wrong with her brain.
She gets confused about her diagnosis a few times, thinking that she had brain cancer instead due to the MR scan. I have to remind her a couple times about what the doctor actually said.
6th of may. My mother seems to have stabilized somewhat so my dad has gone back to work.
7th of may. I get told by the hospital staff that my mother is to be transferred to a different hospital, which is one hour away. I become very upset by this news, and unfortunately yell at one of my mothers nurses in frustration. I yell at her that It'll be harder for me to get to my mother in time if something were to happen. I am ashamed of this childish behavior, as the transfer was the best desicion for my mother in hindsight.
I leave with my mother as we get transferred to the new hospital and their department of palliative care.
I am very ashamed by my behavior to my mothers old nurse, as this department for palliative care was truly the best place for my mother. She seemed very satisfied and happy to have been transferred. They have a large garden with wild flowers, and lovely staff. And my mother got a much bigger room all to herself. She also meets with their physical therapist, who helps my mother relieve some of her pain.
My mother and I have dinner together in the evening in her hospital room. My mom is her old self, although with some delayed speaking. I unfortunately have to rush a bit when leaving, as to not miss my bus home, so I quickly say goodbye to her and leave.
8th of may. In the morning on my way to the new hospital, I received a phone call from her new doctor. My mothers liver has suddenly started to fail due to the cancer. When I arrive, she is asleep. I am told she wont wake up again.
I called my dad, but he wont arrive until the evening, due to the distance from his workplace.
I spend most of the day in my mothers hospital room, listening to her sleep. She occasionally attempts to cough in her sleep, but it mainly just sounds like yells. It is terrifying. The nurses give her pain medication and some sleep medication to help her body relax.
My dad arrives in the late evening. We drive to my mothers house and stay the night there. We spend most of the late evening looking at pictures and scrapbooks of my mother, and packing a bag with clothes for her, for when she passes.
When prepareing the guest bed for my dad, we find a blanket that my mother slept on. It is stained, matching the previous state of the bathroom. We throw the blanket out.
9th of may. Mom is sleeping. Dad and I spend the day at the hospital, but we don't sit in her hospital room. It is too eerie and uncomfortable. We check on her occassionally. Towards the evening, her breathing becomes slightly more rapid and quick. But the nurses tell us to go home. There is no reason for us to sit by her side during the night - as it'll only make it worse for us.
10th of may. I wake at 6.12 am to my phone ringing. It is a nurse. My mother has passed away in her sleep at 6.05 that morning due to liver failure. My dad and I drive to the hospital. I am the first to see her body after the nurses prepared and dressed it in the clothing we picked.
(warning: the following paragraph may be slightly upsetting to some readers)
It it eerie and uncomfortable to see my mother like this. A symptom of pancreatic and liver cancers is that your skin will yellow. Something that I hadn't noticed in my mother till now. I cant help but think that she looks like a wax doll, although I feel horrible for thinking it. I finally touch her hand, after gathering the courage to, almost like I am afraid to distrub her. Her hands are cold, and only get colder as I sit by her side. I am supposed to say my goodbyes to her, and tell her how much she means to me, but in this moment I am speechless. I can't say anything, even on my mothers deathbed. I feels wrong to speak to a corpse. I should've said those things while she could hear them instead. I kiss her forehead before I leave the room.
17th of may. Funeral. The church and casket was beautifully decorated with colorful flowers, like my mother had requested. She didn't want anything white or depressing. I cried all the way through the funeral service, stopping only when it was time to carry the casket out. My dad on the left side, and me on the right, and some other family members behind us. Purple rain by Prince was played on the church piano as we carried the casket. I knew the casket would be heavy, but nothing prepared me for the sheer weight of that thing.
21th of may. Today. I don't really know what to think of my mothers death. Some days I almost forget that shes gone or that all this has been happening, until something reminds me of it.
In a way, I am thankful. Of course I didn't want my mother to die, but I'm glad that her suffering wasn't prolonged for months while she slowly withered away to cancer. And I'm thankful that my mother didn't live to suffer from alzheimers, like her own mother. And I am glad that if anything, my mothers death has brought my dad and I closer.
But at the same time, I am angry that she didn't get to live more of her life. She was only 60 years old, and should have had 20 more years at least. If she at least was 70, it might've been easier to lose her but I doubt it.
I think mostly of all the things she will miss out on, which saddens me the most. I am 23 and my mother wont get to see most of my life or my achivements. If I have kids, she'll never meet them, and she I get married, she'll never see it. My 24th birthday is coming up soon, and I don't know how I'll handle that day without my mother for the first time - or christmas for that matter.
I want my mom.
submitted by unavngiven to GriefSupport [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:19 ochoMaZi Blatant Cheating In QuickPlay. The likes I haven't seen in 20+ years of gaming.

My God I have never seen such a brazen example of cheating in all of my life playing video games.
Replay Code: 8VVCZC
Pay attention to the Widow and Soldier on Team 2. The Soldier has a head-snapping aimbot, and the Widow has something similar but even worse looking.
Soldier was cheating out of the gate. Widow looks like they turned theirs on after getting rekt by my Kiriko.
Highlights :
0:52 - soldier crosshairs snap to head of sojourn for the kill. Then runs main and snaps to D.Vas head. The beginning of a fair match....
1:03 - I destroy the widow behind cart with kunai. I believe this is when they turned their bot on and decided it was time for me to get rotated.
1:38 - Widow headshots me while looking at empty space. First kill since respawn, was in no hurry to get back to the fight. She then kills Sojourn shortly afterwards in the same way.
2:15 - Soldier snaps crosshairs to me on what would be a good flank admittedly. Check that kill out. And, check out his tracking on Mercy after the D.Va bomb that goes off on cart right after my death.
2:30 - Here is where it gets REALLY egregious, and where I'd recommend to start if you want a tl;dr.
Starts off with headshot on Cassidy without looking at them. Then on me jumping through the doorway while looking at my feet. This is when I personally realized something was off.
To quote the legend himself....I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I have chat off, but I can only imagine what words are being traded. Especially after the killcams post 2:30. Insanity.
Blizzard, when is the hammer coming??
submitted by ochoMaZi to Overwatch [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:16 GlumConcert1649 How do I distance myself from my parents?

I'm (15f) and I genuinely don't think I can handle being close to my parents anymore for the sake of my mental health. I can't even list the amount of times they have given me panic/anxiety attacks and caused me to have a mental breakdown.
My mom(37f)is not as bad as my dad(42m), but there are times when she just snaps and it's kind of like walking on egg shells. I wore sweatpants today at school because I kept wearing the same two pairs of jeans and sweatpants aren't against the dress code and my mom starts screaming at me about it. I understand her getting mad because being presentable is important, but the issue is her yelling constantly, that I genuinely can't stand it anymore. This sweatpants matter isn't even had, she's done stuff that's actually bad, but the main issue is that my mom doesn't know how to control her anger. I know that many of you think that she's in the right for yelling about the sweatpants and I understand, but she will yell about anything and will ignore my brother and I when we try to rationalize with her. Even when she's clearly in the erongx she refuses to listen. She also often "jokes" about me talking too much, but she's been doing it for years to the point it actually hurts my feelings.
My dad is way worse than my mom though. Even though my mom has some trouble controlling her anger and so, my dad is horrible at it. He will constantly switch from happy at one moment to angry at everybody else next, even my mom. He's cheated on my mom after she's cheated on him, but he still cheats. While I was eight, I heard him on a call with her and I thought he said he was gonna go somewhere with her, so I told my mom and she ended up telling my dad. He slapped my face hard to the point my face was stinging, then went on to yell at me and tell me to wipe my tears. He made me iron my clothes for school, then grabbed me by my shirt collar and started yelling at me again. But lo and behold, he left to go with his side chick for the night. That was the only time he physically hurt me, but he's definitely mentally abusive. He even used to be physically abusive towards my mom and ended up getting arrested for it for a day. I gave the cops a piece of info that was true that ended up leading to his arrest, and my mom said it was all my fault. She's apologized since then, but that will always stay with me. My mom and dad didn't see each other for awhile after that, but like always they forgave each other again, more like my mom forgave my dad again. He doesn't abuse her anymore, but there are so many situations I could list where he's horrible to everyone including me.
I can't take this family anymore, it's so incredibly toxic that this all seems like made up bs. Everytime they do something wrong, they do something nice afterwards and it makes me forgive them, (majority of the time my mom doesn't ask for forgiveness and my dad doesn't ask at all), but the bad stuff they do far outweighs the good stuff. Yet, I keep thinking that they're going to change and that they are just under stress. How do I somewhat distance myself from the both of them.
submitted by GlumConcert1649 to AdviceForTeens [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:14 RomanEmperorRamyJay EATING MEAT ONLY FOR 30 DAYS

EATING MEAT ONLY FOR 30 DAYS submitted by RomanEmperorRamyJay to FutureMillionaireClub [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:13 _Triple_ [STORE] 900+ KNIVES/GLOVES/SKINS, 100.000$+ INVENTORY. BFK Lore, Gloves Amphibious, Skeleton Fade, Bowie Emerald, BFK Auto, Gloves MF, Talon Doppler, Gloves POW, Bayo Tiger, Gut Sapphire, Stiletto MF, M9 Ultra, Ursus Doppler, Flip Doppler, M9 Stained, Nomad CW, Paracord CW, AK-47 X-Ray & A Lot More

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74


★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39


★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15


★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64


★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79


★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79


★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53


★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26


★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11


★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03


★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08


★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12


★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03


★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96


★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46


★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66


★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21


★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28


★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32


★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66


★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55


★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. 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submitted by _Triple_ to Csgotrading [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:09 ConflixPlaysStuff 21M USA/Online/Anywhere. Looking for the cheat code for love.

Hello there you fine internet surfers, my name is Alex. To briefly describe myself
yeah that about covers the (kinda) brief description of me.
For what I'm looking for, I'm really not picky on anything. Sure I have my types but I cannot think of anything that isn't normally a deal breaker that would only apply to me. Just be kind and don't ghost me.
I'm looking to date not make friends, though if that is an unintended side effect then I am glad to stay friends. I'm also not looking for anything casual. Similar reasoning above, I'd prefer to date and not have a little fling.
I'm totally easy going, I love to try new things all the time, wether that's food or activities I am down to try anything atleast once.
To conclude the long post, just shoot me a message on Reddit and we will see where it goes from there. I'm down to move to other apps but I would prefer not to post my accounts publicly
submitted by ConflixPlaysStuff to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:04 dimitronci Dota Replay Finder

Dota Replay Finder

Ladies and gents, I present to you a tool that allows you to query high MMR and pro matches in which specific things happened. Currently it's only querying matches from PGL Wallachia
http://dotareplayfinder.com/

Example usage:

Give me every replay from PGL Wallachia in which any hero gets a rampage.

Who would use this?

First and foremost, I hope content creators! Instead of playing random rampages as the background of an analytical video, content creators can select proper video content to show. For example, a content creator is explaining how broken the physical damage build on Zeus is. Now they can query for games where Zeus buys Agh's shard before minute 15:10, buys Manta before 17:00 and gets more than 15 kills throughout the game. And their viewers can follow a game that is relevant to what the content creator is talking about. Analysts for professional teams on the other hand, can use this as a strong analytical tool. For example, they can query all games where Gyro has more than 13k gold at minute 15 in order to analyze farming patterns.

What's new about this tool?

The flexibility in querying. You're not just getting raw stats without context, you can simply describe the type of game you want to find and the finder will find these for you if such exist. I envision this to be beneficial for analytical or content creation purposes.

It's slow!

Once a lot of people start querying simultaneously, things might get a bit slow. If you are a renown community figure and you would like to have your queries parsed quickly, you can DM me in reddit and I'll give you a priority code. Please give me some feedback as well.

Find out more:

https://dotareplayfinder.com/intro
submitted by dimitronci to DotA2 [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:04 don_mo6 my rdr2 save got randomly deleted

I've been playing red dead redemption 2 nearly all day for the past week because it makes me forget about what's going on in my life right now. this morning, as usual I started the game only to find out that the save file has been deleted, I will probably play through the story again but what angers me the most is the items that took me nearly 30 hours of playing to get such as the best satchel, all trinkets and talismans, all 24 gold bars, my white Arabian horse, lvl 8 stamina health and dead eye ... ALL GONE.
I know this isn't a major issue but I needed to get it out, I love this video game so much its like a therapy session for me and now all my grind is gone just like that I feel cheated on.
submitted by don_mo6 to venting [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:04 Public_Initiative485 Revolut számlanyitás 12 500

Revolut számlanyitás 12 500
Sziasztok! Én is szeretném megosztani a revolut regisztrációs linkem, nekem 12 500 Ft jutalom jár, ha teljesíted a feltételeket, ennek a felét, vagyis 6250 Ft-ot utalok át neked.
Regisztrálj az alábbi hivatkozással: https://revolut.com/referral/?referral-code=alexandndp!MAY1-24-AR-DOXGETY-L1
submitted by Public_Initiative485 to akciok_kedvezmenyek [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:01 leon385 What would Oda have to do to redeem Usopp for you?

Considering he got haki 10 years ago, i was at least expecting some developments.
Narratively: Usopp as a character is always supposed to be out of his depth and finding a way to stand against the odds embodying the saying "Bravery is not the absence of fear". He hasn't gotten a moment like this since Dressrosa (his little speech to fodder in Wano is the closest). The movies/specials give him better characterization and push him closer to his goal.
Power up: A lot of people theorize he will unlock conquerors, future sight, wield Mjolnir, haki infused rubberband of doom etc but it's so late in the game with little to no build up that i feel it won't come off as cathartic.
submitted by leon385 to Piratefolk [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:01 Nurseresidences Daily Golf Deals 05-21-2024

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submitted by Nurseresidences to DailyGolfSteals [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/themachucajr posting in Marriage
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024

My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”

My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.

Comments

Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
OOP: We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue.
I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.

failedopportunities
It’s an obvious potential issue bro… wether it be she’s enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
OOP: Swinging was her idea. Not mine. But I suppose I should have included it but I honestly believe her on it not being an issue. I don’t have any reason to distrust her. Maybe it’s something she has to accept with her therapist or our couples therapist. Can’t really approach that with a solution if she doesn’t think it was a problem. IDK

BigIronBruce
She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic.
That's only a marriage if you both agree it is. You're hoping she's going to wake up one day and feel different but she's basically said that's not going to happen and doesn't want to figure out why she feels that way. It seems like you tried several different ways to get to the bottom of it and she's either deflected or is being honest that she's not in love with you.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated?
I wouldn't do this, either, if that makes you feel better.
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.

OOP: A very hard truth to accept here. Thank you
Interesting-Tip-4850
"I’m ensure I do everything possible to mend our marriage to ensure my own peace of mind and excite knowing I did everything I could."
you may still concider 180 method, to protect yourself and perhaps in the same time the reality that the ship is leaving may start to change your wifes perspective. If that doesnt what else would.
OOP: Can you elaborate on the “180 Method”?
Interesting-Tip-4850
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
OOP: I bookmarked this. I’m heavily considering this.

Update - 8 days later

I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.

Comments

Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
OOP: Definitely. I think this “soft ultimatum” (180 method) has been very eye opening. I’m definitely hoping for a rekindling of our marriage but I’m also bracing for divorce. I agree on a timeline and I’ve decided on a timeline for myself privately. I don’t want to give her a timeline because I want to reduce the pressure, however, after 1-2 yrs of things don’t improve, it won’t be shocking or a surprise if we split. I think 1-2yrs is more than reasonable.

shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
OOP: I understand what you mean. I don’t think I’ll ever doubt she loved me at all. I’m certain she did and I’m certain she still does. I know it sounds crazy and I’m not at all infatuated or blinded by love. Love is far more than the intimacy and sex we’re lacking.

RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think it’s interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didn’t think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
OOP: Yeah, I definitely felt this way. But with this 180 method it’s happening right in front of my eyes. Actual actions and reactions taking place that clearly demonstrate that she is taking me for granted. She actually see this as well. It’s evident she’s thinking about this heavily based on her demeanor and her behavior.
Here’s what I used as a guide:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
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2024.05.21 15:01 wisdomperception The Six Elements Inquiring into the presupposition of 'I Am' (MN 140)

The Six Elements Inquiring into the presupposition of 'I Am' (MN 140)
Once, the Buddha had a chance encounter with a young bhikkhu Pukkusāti who had gone forth with faith in the Buddha but had never met him. Mistaking the Buddha for an ordinary bhikkhu, Pukkusāti welcomed him. This led to an intriguing exchange with the Buddha sharing a teaching focusing on the nature of the six elements, the six bases of contact, and the eighteen explorations of the mind.
Meditator in a tranquil landscape in an impressionist style
Thus have I heard — Once, the Blessed One was wandering in the land of the Magadhans and arrived at Rājagaha; he went to where Bhaggava the potter was. Having approached, the Blessed One said to Bhaggava the potter, "If it's not inconvenient for you, Bhaggava, may we stay in your workshop for one night?"
"It's not inconvenient for me, venerable sir. There is an ascetic who arrived first. If he permits it, then stay, venerable sir, as you like," Bhaggava replied.
At that time, a young man named Pukkusāti, out of faith in the Blessed One, had gone forth from home into homelessness. He was the one who had arrived first at the potter's workshop. Then, the Blessed One approached where Venerable Pukkusāti was; having approached, he said to Venerable Pukkusāti, "If it's not inconvenient for you, bhikkhu, may we stay in your workshop for one night?"
"The workshop is spacious, friend. Please stay, Venerable, as you like," replied Venerable Pukkusāti.
Then, the Blessed One entered the potter's workshop and, after preparing a seat of grass at one side, sat down, folding his legs crosswise, setting his body erect, and establishing mindfulness in front of him. The Blessed One spent much of the night seated in meditation. Venerable Pukkusāti too spent much of the night seated in meditation.
Then, it occurred to the Blessed One, "This young man conducts himself well. Perhaps I should question him."
So, the Blessed One asked Venerable Pukkusāti, "For whom, bhikkhu, have you gone forth? Who is your teacher? Whose Dhamma do you profess?"
"Friend, there is the ascetic Gotama, the son of the Sakyans, who went forth from the Sakyan clan. And about the Blessed One Gotama, such a splendid reputation has spread: 'Indeed, he is the Blessed One, an Arahant, a Fully Enlightened One, accomplished in knowledge and conduct, well-gone, a knower of the worlds, an unsurpassed trainer of persons to be tamed, a teacher of gods and humans, the Enlightened One, the Blessed One.' I have gone forth inspired by the Blessed One Gotama. He is my teacher, and it is his Dhamma that I profess."
"And where is that Blessed One, the Arahant, the Fully Enlightened One now residing?" the Blessed One asked.
"Friend, in the northern country there is a city named Sāvatthi. There the Blessed One, the Arahant, the Fully Enlightened One, is now residing," replied Venerable Pukkusāti.
"Have you ever seen that Blessed One before, bhikkhu? Would you recognize him if you saw him?" the Blessed One inquired.
"No, friend, I have not seen that Blessed One before; and I would not recognize him if I saw him," Venerable Pukkusāti replied.
Then, it occurred to the Blessed One, "This young man has gone forth out of faith in me. Perhaps I should teach him the Dhamma."
Then, the Blessed One addressed Venerable Pukkusāti, "I will teach you the Dhamma, bhikkhu. Listen and pay close attention; I will speak."
"As you say, friend," Venerable Pukkusāti responded to the Blessed One. The Blessed One said:
"This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements, six bases of contact, eighteen explorations of mind, and is established in four ways; where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, is called a sage at peace. One should not be negligent in wisdom, should guard the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself — this is the essence of the Analysis of the Elements.
'This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? There are these six elements, bhikkhu: the earth element, the water element, the fire element, the air element, the space element, and the consciousness element. 'This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements' — it has been said with reference to this.
'This person, bhikkhu, has six bases of contact' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The eye-contact base, the ear-contact base, the nose-contact base, the tongue-contact base, the body-contact base, the mind-contact base. 'This person, bhikkhu, has six bases of contact' — it has been said with reference to this.
'This person, bhikkhu, engages in eighteen explorations of mind' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? On seeing a form with the eye, one explores a form that gives rise to pleasure, a form that gives rise to displeasure, and a form that gives rise to equanimity; on hearing a sound with the ear ... on smelling an odor with the nose ... on tasting a flavor with the tongue ...
on touching a tactile object with the body ... on cognizing a mental object (arisen from a mental quality) with the mind, one explores a mental object that gives rise to pleasure, a mental object that gives rise to displeasure, and a mental object that gives rise to equanimity. 'This person, bhikkhu, engages in eighteen explorations of mind' — it has been said with reference to this.
'This person, bhikkhu, is established in four ways' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The establishment of wisdom, the establishment of truth, the establishment of relinquishment, the establishment of peace. 'This person, bhikkhu, is established in four ways' — it has been said with reference to this.
'One should not be negligent in wisdom, should guard the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself'
— thus it has been said. Why has it been said?

The Six Elements

And how, bhikkhu, does one not neglect wisdom? There are these six elements, bhikkhu: the earth element, the water element, the fire element, the air element, the space element, and the consciousness element.
And what, bhikkhu, is the earth element? The earth element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal earth element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is solid, solidified, and clung to, that is, hair of the head, hair of the body, nails, teeth, skin, flesh, sinews, bones, bone marrow, kidneys, heart, liver, diaphragm, spleen, lungs, intestines, mesentery, contents of the stomach, feces, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is solid, solidified, and clung to — this is called the internal earth element. Both the internal earth element and the external earth element are simply earth elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the earth element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the earth element.
And what, bhikkhu, is the water element? The water element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal water element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is liquid, liquefied, and clung to, that is, bile, phlegm, pus, blood, sweat, fat, tears, grease, spit, snot, oil of the joints, urine, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is liquid, liquefied, and clung to — this is called the internal water element. Both the internal water element and the external water element are simply water elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the water element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the water element.
And what, bhikkhu, is the fire element? The fire element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal fire element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is fire, fiery, and clung to, that is, by which one is warmed, ages, and is consumed, and by which what is eaten, drunk, chewed, and tasted gets fully digested, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is fire, fiery, and clung to — this is called the internal fire element. Both the internal fire element and the external fire element are simply fire elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the fire element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the fire element.
And what, bhikkhu, is the air element? The air element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal air element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is air, airy, and clung to, that is, up-going winds, down-going winds, winds in the belly, winds in the bowels, winds that course through the limbs, in-breathing and out-breathing, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is air, airy, and clung to — this is called the internal air element. Both the internal air element and the external air element are simply air elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the air element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the air element.
And what, bhikkhu, is the space element? The space element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal space element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is space, spatial, and clung to, that is, the holes of the ears, the nostrils, the door of the mouth, and where whatever is eaten, drunk, chewed, and tasted is swallowed, where it stands, where it is stored, and where it is excreted from below, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is space, spatial, and clung to — this is called the internal space element. Both the internal space element and the external space element are simply space elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the space element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the space element.
Then, only consciousness remains, pure and bright. And with that consciousness, what does one cognize? One cognizes 'pleasant', one cognizes 'painful', and one cognizes 'neither-painful-nor-pleasant'.

The Eighteen Explorations of Mind

  • Pleasant feeling, bhikkhu, arises dependent on contact. Experiencing that pleasant feeling, one understands 'I experience a pleasant feeling'. 'With the cessation of that very contact that is pleasant to experience, the pleasant feeling that arose dependent on that pleasant contact ceases and subsides' — this one understands.
  • Painful feeling, bhikkhu, arises dependent on contact. Experiencing that painful feeling, one understands 'I experience a painful feeling'. 'With the cessation of that very contact that is painful to experience, the painful feeling that arose dependent on that painful contact ceases and subsides' — this one understands.
  • A neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, bhikkhu, arises dependent on contact. Experiencing that neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one understands 'I experience a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling'. 'With the cessation of that very contact that is neither painful nor pleasant to experience, the neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling that arose dependent on that contact ceases and subsides' — this one understands.
Just as, bhikkhu, with the friction of two pieces of wood, heat is generated and fire arises, and with the separation and scattering of those two pieces of wood, the heat generated by their contact ceases and subsides;
  • Similarly, bhikkhu, pleasant feeling arises dependent on contact. Experiencing that pleasant feeling, one understands 'I experience a pleasant feeling'. 'With the cessation of that very contact that is pleasant to experience, the pleasant feeling that arose dependent on that contact ceases and subsides' — this one understands.
  • Painful feeling, bhikkhu, arises dependent on contact. Experiencing that painful feeling, one understands 'I experience a painful feeling'. 'With the cessation of that very contact that is painful to experience, the painful feeling that arose dependent on that contact ceases and subsides' — this one understands.
  • A neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, bhikkhu, arises dependent on contact. Experiencing that neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one understands 'I experience a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling'. 'With the cessation of that very contact that is neither painful nor pleasant to experience, the neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling that arose dependent on that contact ceases and subsides' — this one understands.
Then, only equanimity remains, pure, bright, gentle, workable, and radiant. Just as, bhikkhu, a skilled goldsmith or goldsmith's apprentice might prepare a furnace, light the fire, and place gold in the crucible. By blowing on it from time to time, sprinkling water over it from time to time, and observing it from time to time, the gold becomes refined, well refined, thoroughly refined, faultless, pliable, workable, and radiant. It could be made into whatever form he wishes — whether a bracelet, earrings, a necklace, or a golden chain—and it would serve its purpose. Similarly, bhikkhu, then only equanimity remains, pure, bright, gentle, workable, and radiant.
One thus understands: 'If I were to direct this equanimity so pure and so bright towards the sphere of infinite space (dissolution of distinctions of form element) and develop my mind accordingly, this equanimity, relying on that, clinging (grasping) to that, would last for a long time. If I were to direct this equanimity so pure and so bright towards the sphere of infinite consciousness (boundless awareness)... towards the sphere of nothingness (emptiness and absence)... towards the sphere of neither perception nor non-perception and develop my mind accordingly, this equanimity, relying on that, clinging to that, would last for a long time.'
One thus understands: 'If I were to direct this equanimity, so pure and bright, towards the sphere of infinite space (dissolution of distinctions of form element) and develop my mind accordingly, this is conditioned. If I were to direct this equanimity, so pure and bright, towards the sphere of infinite consciousness... towards the sphere of nothingness... towards the sphere of neither perception nor non-perception and develop my mind accordingly, this is conditioned.'
Thus, one does not form any volitional formations for either existence or non-existence. Not forming any volitions for either, one does not cling to anything in the world. Not clinging, one does not worry. Without worry, one personally attains Nibbāna.
'Re-birth is exhausted, the holy life has been lived, what had to be done has been done, there is no more coming to any state of being,' one understands.
Whether experiencing a pleasant feeling, one understands 'it is impermanent', 'I am not involved with it', 'I do not delight in it'. Whether experiencing a painful feeling or a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one understands the same.
Experiencing a pleasant feeling, one experiences it unattached; experiencing a painful feeling, one experiences it unattached; experiencing a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one experiences it unattached. Experiencing a feeling limited to the body, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to the body'; experiencing a feeling limited to life, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to life', 'With the break-up of the body, following death, all that is felt, not being delighted in, will become cool right here.'
Just as, bhikkhu, an oil lamp burns dependent on oil and a wick, and with the exhaustion of the oil and wick, it is extinguished due to lack of fuel; similarly, experiencing a feeling limited to the body, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to the body'; experiencing a feeling limited to life, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to life', 'With the break-up of the body, following death, all that is felt, not being delighted in, will become cool right here.'

Established in Four Ways

  1. Therefore, a bhikkhu equipped in this way possesses the highest foundation of wisdom. For, bhikkhu, this is the highest noble wisdom, that is, the knowledge of the cessation of all suffering.
  2. His release, being founded on truth, is unshakeable. For that is false, bhikkhu, which is delusory, and that is true which is Nibbāna, the un-delusory. Therefore, a bhikkhu equipped in this way possesses the highest foundation of truth. For, bhikkhu, this is the ultimate noble truth, that is, Nibbāna, which is un-delusory.
  3. For him, previously not having wisdom, attachments (possessions, identification) were fully taken up and embraced. But for him, they are abandoned, cut off at the root, made like a palm stump, obliterated so that they are no more subject to future arising. Therefore, a bhikkhu equipped in this way possesses the highest foundation of relinquishment. For, bhikkhu, this is the supreme noble relinquishment, that is, the relinquishment of all attachments.
    1. For him, previously not having wisdom, there was craving, desire, passion. But for him, it is abandoned, cut off at the root, made like a palm stump, obliterated so that craving is no more subject to future arising.
    2. For him, previously not having wisdom, there was irritation, ill-will, fault-finding. But for him, it is abandoned, cut off at the root, made like a palm stump, obliterated so that irritation is no more subject to future arising.
  4. For him, previously not having wisdom, there was ignorance (misapprehension of true reality) and delusion (assumption making tendencies, absence of close examination and verification). But for him, it is abandoned, cut off at the root, made like a palm stump, obliterated so that it is no more subject to future arising. Therefore, a bhikkhu equipped in this way possesses the highest foundation of peace. For, bhikkhu, this is the supreme noble peace, that is, the pacification of lust, aversion, and confusion.
"One should not neglect wisdom, should protect the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself"
— thus has it been said. This has been said on account of this.

Notions of 'I am'

"Where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, he is called a sage at peace" — thus indeed has it been said. What was this said on account of?
"It is 'I am,' bhikkhu, that is a presumption.
  • 'This I am' is a presumption.
  • 'I will be' is a presumption.
  • 'I will not be' is a presumption.
  • 'I will have form' is a presumption.
  • 'I will be formless' is a presumption.
  • 'I will be conscious' is a presumption.
  • 'I will be unconscious' is a presumption.
  • 'I will be neither conscious nor unconscious' is a presumption.
Presumption, bhikkhu, is a disease, presumption is a boil, presumption is a dart. Overcoming all presumptions, bhikkhu, one is called a sage at peace. Indeed, a sage at peace, bhikkhu, does not get born, does not age, does not die, does not get agitated, does not yearn. For him, bhikkhu, there is nothing by which he might be born; not being born, how could he age? Not aging, how could he die? Not dying, how could he get agitated? Not getting agitated, for what could he yearn?
"Where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, he is called a sage at peace"
— thus has it been said. This has been said on account of this.
"You should remember this brief exposition of the six elements from me, bhikkhu."
---------------
In this teaching, the Buddha gets mistaken for an ordinary bhikkhu by a young bhikkhu who had gone forth with faith in the Buddha. It is indicative that the Buddha conducted himself with an outward appearance indistinguishable from that of other bhikkhus that trained under him.
Seeing the young bhikkhu conducting himself well, the Buddha shares with him this teaching of the six elements of earth, water, fire, wind, space and consciousness - which when practiced allows for establishing oneself in mindfulness, freed from craving and grief for the world.
The Buddha further shares on the eighteen explorations of the mind through the three kinds of feelings: pleasant, painful and neither-painful-nor-pleasant born from the six sense contacts (form meeting the eye, along with arising of eye-consciousness, ... , mental object meeting the mind, along with arising of the mind-consciousness). He shares these as a way to understand the consciousness element and how it cognizes.
The Buddha then describes the gradual steps from there that lead to the realization of Nibbāna, leading to being established in the four ways of wisdom, truth, relinquishment, and peace.
The Buddha finally shares on the letting go of the 'I am' presumption and any subsequent presumptions that emerge from this, which form the core of what leads one to experience discontentment through worry, agitation, and dissatisfaction.
Closely examining the presumption of 'I am' inherent in René Descartes's "Cogito, ergo sum" ("I think, therefore I am"), which has underpinned modern philosophy, scientific and rational investigations, individualism, literature and pop culture, psychology, and technology (including debates on machine consciousness), reveals how deeply the world we find ourselves in today is influenced by this concept.
Realizing the truth of "I am" then individually opens up new possibilities and frontiers to be explored across all of these domains.
Related Teachings:
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