Shaving before ultrasound

I’ve brought this up with three different vet clinics - these spasms that mostly appear when he’s relaxed or sleeping but they typically aren’t this prominent. The thing is the three vets I’ve talked to about and shown videos of it and neither one can explain other than just usual muscle spasms like we get when we sleep.
I continue to try to buy it but when I see it again, I just can’t help but think this is a pain reflex, or something is literally turning in his stomach.
His belly was shaved a month and a half ago for an abdominal ultrasound for his GI flareup (that we’re still doing testing for and a non-helpful drug trial of Atopica; currently awaiting results for toxoplasmosis). Hence the different length of fur. Nothing was found in his ultrasound. He also had a chest xray but for an unrelated symptom (sneezing fits) just as rule-out diagnostics.
He is 8 years old and has had GI issues since almost 2 years ago we moved from our condo to my mom’s basement after a neighbor’s fire, that cause major smoke damage to our unit, then to our new house. So a lot of stress there. We’ve had him since we rescued him at 12 weeks old.
He’s been on prednisolone since his GI diagnosis. But this flexing thing has really been around since long before that. Usually his hind legs flexing but generally when relaxed or sleeping.
This is not normal to me, any ideas? Thanks in advance.

Our dog has been losing weight for over 3 years despite a relatively robust appetite. His overall health has deteriorated over the past year due to his age and arthritis, including what our vet called a “fused spine”.
One vet thought he had Cushings- diagnosed through a blood test (LDDST?) he was on medicine for that for about a year.
We took him to a new vet/our current vet who said he did NOT have cushings. He has had a full xrays, several ultrasounds, complete bloodwork, probably more I’m forgetting. Nothing unusual has turned up aside from slightly high liver values.
Weight loss- his “ideal weight” was probably 50-55 lbs but he got as high as 60+ He now weighs 31 lbs or so.
Lately, I count his calories to ensure I know exactly what he gets daily because he wasn’t eating a few weeks ago for several days and dropped even more weight. He’s a very picky eater and now gets homemade beef or turkey burger patties along with wet food, weight gainer supplement liquid and raw food (Stella and chewys) patties. It might not be ideal, but it’s what he’ll eat. I try to get 700-850 calories a day in him.
History- he was the runt of his litter (we adopted him but saw his litter mates).
-neutered at 6 months
Unusual things/notible in his med history:
-hair loss/No Growth: he had bald spots as a pup including his tail. He started to lose hair in the same areas a few years ago and it does not grow back- like his paw was shaved for an IV over a year and a half ago and has not grown back at all.
-he had adult teeth when he was about 12 weeks old- may have had them before then. Our vet at the time pointed this out on his physical post-adoption and called him a freak- we switched vets..his teeth now are pretty bad but he’s too fragile to go under.
-had cancer in the form of a mast cell tumor on his chest when he was under 2 years old. Successfully removed through surgery.
-he has a luxating patella
-he has always struggled with allergies and congestion. Has been on cytopoint off/on over the past 4 or so years . He has also had very dry skin/a very dry nose his entire life.
Any ideas??? It’s a bit of a medical mystery but at his age we don’t want to keep testing him and finding nothing. He’s our oldest child and the love of our life!

This post is to share my experience having HIFU treatment for adenomyosis in October 2023.
Cliff notes version: It worked very well for me and I would do it again. Unfortunately, it’s not covered by insurance (costs $5k for the treatment itself plus travel expenses to Stanford). I did not know what to expect beforehand so the goal of this post is to tell you what it is like.
What were the results? Pre-HIFU, I had periods that were 8 days long, very painful (8/10 on a few days without painkillers), heavy bleeding, and low ferritin. I had leg and butt pain too on one side. A few days after my periods, I would feel like I was recovering from the period itself and my body felt tired and tense.
Post-HIFU, I have periods that are 5 days long with most days no pain and maybe one day of cramps/mild pain.
What is HIFU? HIFU is high-intensity focused ultrasound. It is used for a variety of issues such as prostate cancer in men and fibroids in women. More recently, it is used to treat adenomyosis.
Risks and preparation: I did have an IUD which I had to get removed prior to the procedure.
You can carry a pregnancy after HIFU. They did recommend giving your uterus a few months to kind of rest and recover before attempting pregnancy or getting another IUD.
The risks of HIFU are burns to the skin (see below re: hair removal, water bath diffuser) and potential nerve injury (this is why they won’t HIFU right next to the bowel or sciatic nerve, and why you need to be awake during the procedure—so you can tell them if you feel anything off).
What is the research on it?
https://www.emjreviews.com/innovations/article/fertility-and-pregnancy-outcomes-after-high-intensity-focused-ultrasound-ablation-for-uterine-fibroids-and-adenomyosis-a-review-j080121/
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1350417715001534
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28437003/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7063290/
(Note: if you don’t have access, you can often find papers on Sci-Hub).
Where can you do it? It is more common in Asia. In the U.S., where I live, you can do it at Stanford and Mayo Clinic. I had mine at Stanford: https://mimric-prostate.stanford.edu/contact-us/
What is the process before the treatment? I was asked to send the MRI images of my uterus. Once they reviewed the images, I had a video chat with the doctor. We discussed my symptoms and based on the MRI images he said I was a good candidate.
There is also the consideration of lower abdominal fat, because the HIFU needs to be able to reach the uterus. I managed to lose ten pounds leading up to the treatment and unfortunately tend to carry my weight there.
The doctor did tell me that the procedure is painful and its a long day with being immobile on the MRI table for 4-6 hours.
Because HIFU is not FDA approved for adenomyosis, insurance will not cover it. Stanford charges $5k for the procedure (flat rate, inclusive). I paid and then scheduled the procedure for mid-October (I chose this). They don’t want you to be on your period while you have the procedure.
My husband and I traveled to SFO on the weekend prior to the procedure. I booked an Air BnB in La Honda for one week (https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/512351680384577136?source_impression_id=p3_1716597759_TaJy2uHhzCR1fpdP), with the procedure scheduled for Thursday. You only have to travel to Stanford the day of the procedure. There are of course many options in Palo Alto, but I chose to stay in La Honda because of the peaceful surrounding (redwoods, ocean close by) and we planned to stay there working and hanging out apart from the procedure day. The place we stayed was great and I highly recommend it. It was peaceful and relaxing.
A couple days before the procedure, the coordinator will call you and give you instructions: for the fasting and bowel prep (see below), when to arrive, and to remove body hair between your navel and pubic bone. I did not do this properly and they had to shave me in the hospital. I think the best option would be a wax. MAKE SURE YOU REMOVE THE HAIR THOROUGHLY.
Day before the procedure: In order to protect the bowel and have the best visualization, you have to fast the day before and do bowel prep. If you’ve had a colonoscopy, it’s the same process. I went with the Miralax & Gatorade bowel prep process. I used this guide: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/21217-miralax-gatorade-bowel-preparation-instructions
Note: I am vegetarian and don’t eat fried or processed foods, which I have heard makes the process less intensive. Some people recommend eating more lightly/cleanly in the week leading up to the bowel prep day. I just ate normally (for me, this looks like plant-based protein at most meals, kale salad, rice, cauliflower, lentil soup, etc.).
Bowel prep specifics: Here’s what I did the day before the procedure: I woke up early and had some protein powder and water (I thought the protein would help me feel less hungry). Throughout the day and evening, I consumed a lot of water, otherwise I had some sugar-free Jello, and broth (using ramen noodle liquid without the noodles).
What I did for bowel prep:
12pm- take 2 dulcolax tablets with a full glass of water
2pm- mix 64 oz of Gatorade with the miralax (238 grams) until the miralax is completely dissolved
Drink 8oz of the Gatorade solution every 15 minutes until completed.
The guides tend to recommend two more Dulcolax tablets later in the day but I skipped it. The important thing is that you need to be cleaned out: when you use the toilet, no solid waste. I had to go probably 6-7 times but only the first time really had any solids. I heard this is somewhat up to diet, which might be why people sometimes recommend eating lightly in the days leading up to the bowel prep day. By the early evening, I was done and only went to the toilet maybe 1-2 more times before bed.
THE BOWEL PREP IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. IF YOU DO NOT FAST AND DO THE BOWEL PREP, THEY WILL NOT DO THE PROCEDURE.
Day of the procedure: I arrived at Stanford early in the morning, accompanied by my husband. Everyone was very warm and kind.
You’ll get set up in your hospital gown and socks, they start your IV, etc. A couple of the people who’ll be doing the procedure will come by to chat with you, verify you did the bowel prep and fasted, and answer any questions.
Next, you are brought down to the radiology department where the MRI is. There’s a small clinic room they roll you into on your hospital bed. Here, a few nurses get you ready for the procedure. They were all amazing. Here’s what it entails: 1) If you’re like me and you didn’t do a good job on hair removal, they’ll do that. This sucked because it involved shaving and rubbing alcohol. 2) Foley catheter for urine. This is because you can’t move during the procedure, so no toilet breaks. 3) Adhesive pads to prevent pain/irritation from being in the same position during the procedure. They are placed on the fronts of your shoulders, cheekbones, and forehead.
The doctors come in to brief you and check in. Here is when I learned that the procedure also requires the insertion of rectal gel—to protect the bowel.
They wheel you in to the MRI room. At this stage, you’re in the room with the females only. You remove your gown and get on the table, facedown, lowering yourself as if you are doing a yoga pushup, so that your lower abdomen is directly over the water bath. The women are helping guide you and make sure you don't fall off the table. Google for a diagram. It’s awkward but keep in mind these people have seen it all and are just here to help. Everyone is working together to facilitate you getting this cutting-edge treatment. It’s like a symphony.
They do some imaging to make sure you’re in the right position. If not, you’ll move and then they again verify with the imaging that you’re in the right position.
You are facedown, arms by your sides. They placed padding on my back, blankets for warmth, and used straps to compress me closer to the table and make sure you aren’t moving. I think this is also partly to compress abdominal fat and get the target area as close to the HIFU as possible.
Your right hand has an IV through which you receive fluids and pain medicine. In your left hand, there is a kind of joystick with a call button. If you need anything during the procedure you push this button and they check on you. I only pushed the button because I got itchy and needed someone to scratch my nose.
I had fentanyl and felt itchy, so they were able to switch to I think hydromorphone which has much less itchy potential.
AFTER YOU ARE IN POSITION, BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH THEM IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE—HEAD POSITION, WHATEVER—BECAUSE YOU MUST BE STILL DURING THE PROCEDURE.
The procedure itself: There are brief periods of “treatment”—consisting of zaps or sonications where they are actually doing the HIFU. These are painful; the doctor advised me to count through them (one Mississippi-two Mississippi-etc). They feel like strong menstrual cramps or perhaps contractions, and are painful but bearable, lasting no more than 10 seconds (probably less).
Unfortunately, there was an issue with the machine and I had to come back the next day. This post is already super long, so I’ll just say that it wasn’t their fault and they worked through the night to make sure it was ready to go the next day.
I went back the next day and it went off without a hitch. When it’s over, they do an “after” MRI and were able to get 90%+ of the adenomyosis tissue. They don’t achieve 100% because there may be parts that are too close to the bowel or the sciatic nerve—you don’t want damage to these, so they have to be conservative in those border regions.
You’ll be hungry afterwards. On the recommendation of a nurse, we went to Wildseed. It’s a vegetarian restaurant a short drive from Stanford and it was incredible. I still think of the chocolate cake. Afterwards, back to the Air BnB for fireside beers.
Day after procedure: I woke up in the morning feeling normal. We went to brunch (Alice’s Restaurant) and then walked on the beach. That night, we took a redeye back to NYC.
I think it would have been better to stay that night in CA, just because I was tired, but it wasn’t a huge deal. I did not have pain that day.
Week after procedure: It took me like 5 days to poop. That’s normal. The medical team checked on me and I had a video appointment with them a week after.
I got my period (on time) the week after the procedure. The first period is a wild card. I had one day of painful cramps but I could already tell it was working and my period lasted 5 days.
Other than that, I had no pain and felt normal.
I work as a researcher (office job) and was back at work on Monday. I did work from home half of that week and took it easy (didn’t go to gym). They advised me not to do HIIT-style workouts or heavy lifting for several weeks; I was mostly doing Barre and walking, so just stuck to that with no problems.
Today: I'm very grateful for the HIFU treatment. It really saved me and I would recommend anyone who has the means to consider it.

Hello! I wanted to share my current surgery journal of my total transvaginal hysterectomy + partial vaginectomy (I am including these terms solely for people using the search function. These terms give me dysphoria to use. This is what I will refer to as my stage 0 of phallo and v-ectomy [as sparingly as possible] for the remainder of this post) experience, especially since I found it somewhat difficult to find information about this specific configuration of procedures in preparation for phalloplasty. Potential TW for anatomical/medical/surgical talk. Apologies in advance for the massive wall of text, I just wanted to be thorough. Feel free to ask any questions in the comments or through DM. :-)

~~ Background ~~
I had phallo stage 0 with Dr. Anna Kirby at University of Washington Medical Center - Northwest on May 16, 2024. I am 24 years old and work full-time as an inpatient nurse. I am a binary trans man, have been on testosterone since 2015, and had keyhole top surgery in December 2022. I am currently double covered under Kaiser insurance. I will be having phalloplasty stage 1 and on with Dr. Shane Morrison. I had my initial consultation for phallo with Dr. Morrison in March 2023. I stated that my goal is to have ALT phalloplasty with urethral lengthening, and he stated that patients who want urethral lengthening/do not want to preserve their v are to have v-ectomy with Dr. Kirby at some point before the creation of their neourethra. This gives the patient the choice of having v-ectomy either before or after the creation of the penis. Since I have a long road of hair removal ahead of me and my goal is to have stage 1 of phallo around August 2025, I decided to pursue this set of procedures to allow me plenty of time to heal in between stages, instead of having stage 1 of phallo, then these procedures a few months later, then stage 2 of phallo a few months after that.

~~ Initial Consult ~~
I got my referral to Dr. Kirby in March 2023 and insurance approved it within a few weeks, I did not receive a phone call to schedule a consultation with her until July 2023. The only available date for a consult was in November 2023, and from there, the earliest I could have scheduled surgery was April 2024 (despite insurance approving the surgery a few weeks following the consult), but May 2024 worked a bit better for my schedule. I spent over a year twiddling my thumbs waiting for this surgery to finally come together.

The initial consultation with Dr. Kirby was honestly great. I was expecting it to be horrendous due to the nature of what stage 0 of phallo entails. The thought of having anything to do with an OBGYN makes me sick to my stomach with dysphoria, but she was incredibly down to earth. I first talked with the resident who was also wonderful - she started the conversation by asking what terminology I would like to use/what words I would like to avoid to make the appointment as comfortable as possible, which I really appreciated. Dr. Kirby was very laid back, making it clear that I would not need a pap smear, an ultrasound, or any examination whatsoever prior to surgery. I have never had any of these due to being a low-risk patient along with the level of dysphoria I have just at the thought of them, so this was very exciting to hear. I decided to remove absolutely everything because cis men do not have any of these organs and I am not concerned with future access to testosterone, and Dr. Kirby made no fuss about this/did not try to convince me to keep anything I did not want. The one dysphoria-inducing thing she did recommend was to begin taking vxginal estradiol for 4 months prior to surgery - she recommends this to help make the tissue as healthy as possible, hopefully preventing complications during and after surgery. She initially prescribed it in cream form, which was horrible for my dysphoria, so I requested it to be changed to tablet form. This form was more bearable, but both forms made me so damp down there to the point where I began wearing men’s incontinence pads the day after administration so my underwear wouldn’t be soaking wet. This was an incredibly dysphoria-inducing experience I endured twice a week for 4 months, but I kept reminding myself that I will never have to or even be able to do this again since I will no longer have that organ soon. This was my saving grace for my mental health.

~~ Pre-Op Appointments ~~
I had my pre-op appointment on April 1, 2024, where Dr. Kirby gladly answered all of the anxious questions I prepared. She assured me that she would be the one performing the surgery, not an intern/resident/fellow. She does not make patients perform a bowel cleanout prior to surgery. When I told her I would not be consenting to a pregnancy test (no cis man is forced to do a pregnancy test prior to a surgery, I do not want a pregnancy test result existing in my medical chart for the rest of my life, and I am never exposed to semen in a way that could lead to pregnancy), she essentially said “that’s perfectly fine, and if any medical staff try to coerce you into doing it (which is what happened to me for top surgery), tell them you’d like to speak to your surgeon” which was an incredibly based response and upped my respect for her even more. She gave me a thorough overview of exactly what she would be doing through the surgery. She assured me that it is okay to be doing this surgery over a year before I will have urethral lengthening done, and that my current urethra should remain totally healthy until then. She assured me that this procedure will be entirely outpatient and that the odds of being admitted to the hospital, even if I am having difficulty peeing, are very low. She let me know of the possible complications and the solutions for these potential issues. When I expressed concerns about anti-nausea medications making it difficult for me to pee, she said that she would rather have me not throwing up and having difficulty peeing than the other way around, and that she is not very concerned about the effects of ondansetron (Zofran) and scopolamine have on the bladder. She assured me that there would be no wound care I would have to do. At no point did she make me feel bad or stupid for having a multitude of questions which was very nice. I was given general pre/post-op documents and CHG soap for the night before surgery and was sent on my way.

I was very disappointed/disgusted with the general pre/post-op documents and papers that were given to me. All of them used non-inclusive language and were geared toward cis women, so reading these documents made me incredibly dysphoric. After one quick read through, I threw them all away. I will be submitting a complaint about these documents because they should be using inclusive language at this point. UW should know better than this. These surgeries are not exclusive to women. I am a man who unfortunately must have these procedures done, so at the bare minimum I should have my identity respected.

On May 9, 2024 (one week before surgery), UW’s anesthesia team gave me a phone call to ask about my medical history and anesthesia history. I am very healthy and have no medical history beyond top surgery, so this call only lasted about 15 minutes. The nurse also gave me information about the timing of my surgery (when to arrive, how long the surgery should last, how long I will likely be in the PACU), directions about eating and drinking prior to surgery, directions for the CHG soap, parking information, and what building to go to.

~~ My Personal Surgery Preparation ~~
I tend to be anxious + type A and wanted to feel as prepared as possible for surgery, so I did quite a bit of preparation beforehand. Some medical items I gathered included an abdominal binder for compression directly after surgery, a heating pad for abdominal pain, disposable underwear so I wouldn’t stain any of my actual underwear with blood, men’s incontinence pads for drainage from the surgical site (specifically men’s to decrease the amount of dysphoria I feel with wearing them), MiraLAX and docusate for bowel management, simethicone for gas pain, Juven supplements to promote wound healing, cranberry supplements to help with urinary tract health, ibuprofen, and Tylenol.

I have the privilege of living near my parents and having them be willing to support me throughout my surgeries, so I prepared my apartment for my return by doing a lot of cleaning that I would not be wanting or able to do following surgery. I scrubbed down my bathroom, did all my laundry, and put clean sheets on my bed. Similarly, I prepared my parents’ house by cleaning + making sure there was nothing that would require much physical effort from me. I decided to stay with them for about 2 weeks following surgery.

Nutrition is very important, especially around surgeries, so I bought a bunch of fruit and prepared it to make it easy to eat (cut strawberries, peeled oranges, etc.). A few days before surgery I made a massive batch of chicken noodle soup to eat those first few days. I also made sure to have plenty of easy snacks on hand like cinnamon applesauce, goldfish pretzels, dried fruit, cereal, anything that takes little effort to eat and wouldn’t upset my stomach. I keep protein powder and frozen veggies on hand to meet protein and fiber goals with little effort.

For entertainment, I treated myself to a Steam Deck so I could play my PC games without sitting at my desk so I wouldn’t strain the surgical site. I loaded up my anime list with shows that are easy on the brain/don’t require much thinking to watch, and did the same with my movie list. I also borrowed a ton of manga from my partner and gathered some books I’ve been meaning to read for when my brain was feeling more activated.

I sorted out my medical leave of absence from work + paid medical/family leave 3 months in advance of surgery so I would not have to think about it while exhausted from surgery. So far, none of my coworkers or managers have questioned me on why I am going on medical leave which has been very relieving.


~~ Day of Surgery ~~
I was scheduled for surgery at 8:30am and was told to arrive at UWMC - NW at 7am to get checked in and prepare for surgery. With these times, I was told to stop eating solid food 8 hours before checking in (so 11pm) and to stop drinking anything 2 hours before checking in (so 5am). When I arrived, I was brought to the peri-op area and switched from my clothes and into a hospital gown. The nurse placed an IV in my forearm, started fluids and an antibiotic, listened to my heart and lungs, administered a heparin shot to my abdomen, and asked me about the last time I had eaten and drank anything. I asked her if I could have a scopolamine patch for nausea and some IV anti-anxiety medication, and she told me to ask anesthesia when they come to see me. The nurse asked if I would like to do a pregnancy test, and I was very easily able to decline it. Next, the OR nurse came to verify my identity, and when she asked what procedure I would be having I said I was not comfortable saying it out loud, so she showed me what she had written and I confirmed it was correct, which I was appreciative of.

Next, Dr. Kirby’s fellow and resident came to meet me and asked if I had any questions for them. The days before surgery, I was very torn about having this surgery laparoscopically because I desperately did not want scars on my abdomen, even though there are hundreds of surgeries that leave the same scars and they would be quite small. So, I asked them if they knew if it would be possible to do it solely through the v to avoid any incisions/scarring, and they said they would leave that question for Dr. Kirby. Shortly after, Dr. Kirby came to see me, and I asked her what I asked the fellow and resident. She told me that it is very unlikely (less than 10% chance) she would be able to do it this way, but that she would assess the situation in the OR and if it looked safe/viable to do, she would. We then signed forms stating that I consent to being sterilized. We also made the plan that, because I know it is going to be difficult to pee directly after surgery and I would prefer to not have to be re-catheterized, if possible, I would go home with the foley catheter they place during surgery, and I would remove it myself the next morning and would call the clinic if I was unable to pee. Anesthesia then came to see me, and I loved the CRNA. She was a self-proclaimed hippie, wore a tie-dye scrub cap, and helped calm my nerves a bit by explaining everything she was going to be doing before + while I was asleep. I asked for the scopolamine patch which they got for me, along with some IV midazolam to help me chill out directly before rolling to the OR. She pushed the med into my IV and I was immediately in silly mode, so much so that I have no memory of ever even making it into the OR.

Waking up was a blurry experience but based on the medical notes my surgery started at about 8:45am and ended at about 12:30pm, and I was somewhat more awake around 2:30pm. Dr. Kirby must have come to see me during this time because I recall her telling me she was able to do the surgery non-laparoscopically and I was very happy to hear that. She also told my mom over the phone that everything went well and that she was able to do it non-laparoscopically. While still somewhat out of it, I texted my mom, therapist, and partner the good news about being scarless since I was stressing about it to them. Around 3pm the nurse tried to get me to sit and then stand up, but I became very dizzy + nauseous + my blood pressure tanked, so she got me situated back in bed to chill out for a bit. She then brought my mom back and said that after taking care of her other patient, she would come back to try getting me up again. I wasn’t having a ton of pain but figured some extra pain medication wouldn’t be the worst thing to have at this point, so I asked for some oxycodone. After eating some applesauce, drinking water, allowing the pain meds to kick in, and allowing for the anesthesia to wear off a bit more, I was able to get up into a recliner slowly but surely without blood pressure issues. The nurse went over the discharge instructions with my mom and I, then my mom went to get the car, and I was brought down in a wheelchair around 6pm. Because of rush hour traffic, the car ride home was an hour long, so I had brought a pillow to sit on to protect the lower surgical site and a pillow to protect my abdomen from the seat belt. We drove to the onsite pharmacy to pick up oxycodone and Zofran before heading off. I remember chatting with my mom and then falling asleep about halfway through the ride.

We arrived home around 7pm. Getting out of the car for the first time was challenging, and I think I spread my legs a bit too far because I promptly felt warm blood trickling down my leg. I waddled into the bathroom and my mom helped me strip out of the bloody pants + underwear + pad and into clean underwear + pad. It really wasn’t that much blood, it just seemed like a lot, especially in the moment. I immediately felt unwell/lightheaded, so I laid on the couch and my mom brought me a bowl of the chicken noodle soup I had prepared + some strawberries + some water. Upon getting some calories into me, I was able to waddle upstairs to my room and into bed, and I was asleep by 9:30pm. All things considered, a very successful day!

Day 1: I woke up around 5am feeling quite awake and in a little bit of pain, but I had just gone the entire night without any pain medication since I was asleep for 8 hours. I took oxycodone and Tylenol, and at 6am decided to remove the foley catheter. Dr. Kirby gave me a 3-hour window to go pee upon removing the catheter. I tried sitting on the toilet and trying all the tricks I know to help with peeing at 8am with no luck. Around 8:45am I tried again and was able to pee out about 200mL, which took a lot of time and it still felt like there was more in my bladder. At 9:30am I peed another 200mL but still felt like there was much more in my bladder. I removed the scopolamine patch in hopes that it would make peeing easier in the near future. I stayed in the bathroom on the toilet until around 10:15am, and at this point my bladder was killing me. I was in excruciating pain from my bladder being overfilled, to the point where I could barely walk. I called the clinic and explained the situation, and they asked me to come in at 11:30am. I arrived at 11:45am bent over in pain, feeling like my bladder was going to burst. A nurse brought me back, and initially was just going to intermittently catheterize me, but decided to place another foley catheter knowing that I would likely continue to have issues peeing, especially now that my bladder had been so distended directly after surgery. The nurse was uncomfortable with inserting the catheter due to the swelling in the area, so she asked Dr. Kirby’s fellow to do it (Dr. Kirby was not in the office this day but was available through messaging with the nurse), and he put it in quickly and without issue. I’ve never been catheterized while awake, so I thought it was going to be extremely dysphoria-inducing, but I was in so much pain that dysphoria did not even cross my mind since the only solution to this problem was to insert a catheter. 1100mL was drained from my bladder, and the relief I felt was immaculate. The first catheter was more comfortable, and I felt very sensitive to movement with this new catheter, but anything felt better than an overfilled bladder. Dr. Kirby said that I will keep the catheter in for a week to allow my bladder to rest, and that we will do a void trial one week later in the clinic.

Beyond the bladder issues, I have been feeling quite good! I haven’t needed any additional pain medication other than Tylenol and ibuprofen, I have had minimal bleeding, and I have had no nausea. Although my surgery was non-laparoscopic, my abdomen feels like it was filled up with air, so I have been having bloating + shoulder pain from this, but nothing unbearable. An abdominal binder and heating pad have been working wonders for this discomfort. I took a shower this evening which was nice to remove all the dried blood and sticker residue from my skin/hair. It was nice to feel less greasy and more human again. Getting in and out of bed is becoming easier, but it does feel like my organs are sloshing around when I move too quickly. I also feel oddly content about not really having any organs in my body that do not align with my gender - I feel more “male” now, even if I still have some deficits (that are being worked on). I’m also feeling grateful to get this aspect of my phallo journey completed now. It feels good to feel like I’m making progress toward aligning my body with my mind.

Day 2: Overall, a good day! Spent most of the day sitting in a semi-reclined chair (with a soft pillow on the seat) watching TV, reading some manga, and building a Lego set. Currently, the most annoying things are how sensitive the catheter feels and the bloating abdominal pain. I’ve been told to take MiraLAX once a day for the next 6 weeks, so I started that 2 days before surgery to get ahead of the constipation, and today I pooped with relative ease/no pushing. It’s currently just a long process getting to + going to the bathroom in general. The bleeding from the surgical site has been minimal. It’s usually just a small amount (between the size of a quarter and a half dollar, maybe) that barely soaks into the pad, and it seems to be changing color from bloody to a bit serosanguinous which is what we like to see.

Day 3: May have done a little bit too much activity yesterday because I am more fatigued today. Overall, still a good day though! I’m still pooping with ease. The bleeding continues to be minimal. Still having abdominal pain that’s been benefiting from an abdominal binder and a heating pad. Showered and shaved my face today with no issues! I took a good look down there with a mirror for the first time and I didn’t see anything concerning. Just a lot of swelling and a bit of bruising on my inner left butt cheek for some reason (maybe a hematoma?)

Day 4: Last night my lower back/sacrum/butt became increasingly sore/painful, so I was tossing and turning a lot overnight. It’s been painful to lay flat on my back or on my left side because of the soreness/swelling. When I tried sitting up in a chair, I could just not find a comfortable position with where my soreness was located, so most of today has been spent horizontally with some standing up and walking around here and there. I’m still taking Tylenol and ibuprofen around the clock, and I can tell when they’re starting to wear off, but I’m not near needing any oxycodone, so I’ve just been dealing with it. It’s now very easy for me to get in and out of bed, change underweashorts, and kneel to grab things, but I am still sort of waddling when I walk because of the catheter and the general swelling and discomfort down there. The bloating pain is mostly gone. No big changes to the bleeding today except the scent has become stronger. After my shower, it looks like the bruising on my left butt cheek has gotten bigger and a bit darker, so I am thinking it is in fact a hematoma. Depending on how it looks in the morning, I will let my healthcare team know about it. Bare minimum, I am scheduled to see them in 4 days.

Day 5: Another day spent primarily horizontal due to the butt/sacrum pain. The bruising looks about the same as last night, so I sent a non-urgent message to the clinic about it to see what their thoughts are, but I’m fairly certain it is a hematoma. I’m going to stop taking ibuprofen, ice the area, and just continue to keep pressure off it by laying on my sides. I’m a bit frustrated, less because of the pain and more because I’m spending so much time laying down, which has me drifting in and out of sleep. I don’t feel very tired, but laying down and watching TV, playing video games, or reading just puts me right to sleep. I’m still getting up and moving around without issues though. Still no changes to bleeding, urine output, appetite, or pain (excluding the hematoma pain).

Day 6: Woke up today in much less pain where the hematoma is! I was able to sit up in a chair for 1-2 hour stretches with just a bit of soreness to my butt/sacrum. I did have a lot of gas/bowel pain today that eventually resolved when I pooped, it was just taking forever to feel the urge to go to the bathroom. I’m still taking MiraLAX every day and haven’t had any changes to my diet, so I’m unsure why the pain was so intense today. I was also feeling a bit feverish today, but with the constant Tylenol suppressing any potential temperature increases, it’s kind of difficult to discern between extended hot flashes and actually having a fever. I was able to stay awake from 8am until 3pm without napping which I think is the longest stretch I’ve done since surgery. Still no changes to bleeding, urine output, or appetite. Feels good to be moving in the right direction today.

Day 7: Continuing to be on the up and up! Last night was the first night where I didn’t feel like I needed to sleep 10+ hours, and I’ve been wide awake playing video games/watching TV/reading all day without feeling the need to nap. The pain is better than yesterday as long as I wiggle around/stand up regularly to give my butt a break. The hematoma looks about the same as it did yesterday. I keep having episodes of intense gas/bowel pain, but less than yesterday. My heating pad has been my best friend for this. I feel like I’m taking longemore normal strides while walking and am not waddling as much as before. Still no changes to bleeding, it continues to be the same quarter to half-dollar amount of dark serosanguinous fluid every time I change the pad. I’ve been feeling slightly feverish, and the hot flashes definitely keep on coming and going, especially while I’m trying to use the heating pad on my abdomen. Very excited to do my void trial tomorrow morning and hopefully be catheter free!

Day 8: I went in for my void trial at 9am today. After emptying the catheter and my bladder, my bladder tolerated about 200mL of water through the catheter before I was uncomfortable, so the nurse stopped letting water flow in. I pivoted over from the exam table to a commode and while I was sitting, the nurse removed the catheter, which burned a little bit but was relieving to have out. She left the room and said she’d come back in 10 minutes. It took a minute, but I was slowly able to pee about 125mL which is right on the cusp of passing the trial (they want you to pee at least ⅔ of whatever they put in, so that would have been 133mL for me). The nurse scanned my bladder which showed about 85mL left in my bladder, and my abdomen was a bit tender with the pressure from the ultrasound machine used for the bladder scan. She messaged Dr. Kirby (she was not in the clinic at this time) about this, and then the nurse practitioner who was around came to look at the hematoma/bruising on my butt. Last night it was just on my left inner butt cheek, but today it has spread to my right inner butt cheek as well. She did not say if she thought it was or wasn’t a hematoma but did say she wasn’t concerned about it since it is soft, not painful to touch, and my vital signs look normal. Because of some of my feeling slightly feverish the past few days, my temperature being a little bit high today, my abdomen/bladder feeling tender with their examination/touching, and my urine being somewhat cloudy when I peed, they decided to run a urine analysis. This turned up positive for a bacterial infection, so I was prescribed an antibiotic (Bactrim).
Because I was on the cusp of passing the trial and it’s a holiday weekend, the nurse taught me how to self-catheterize and gave me the supplies to do so just in case I have the experience I had last week of feeling like my bladder was going to burst. I really don’t want to catheterize myself, but I would prefer it to going to the emergency department on a holiday weekend. She wanted me to follow along and demonstrate, but because I wanted to let my poor urethra rest and because I am a nurse and have catheterized many patients, I refused to do it in the clinic right then which she was okay with. They also advised me to stay hydrated but to not chug too much water at once today, so my bladder doesn’t fill up too quickly. Since getting home, it feels like my bladder gets to a slightly painful capacity within 1-1.5 hours, but when I go to the bathroom I only pee about 150mL. It relieves the urge to go pee/discomfort, but I am not convinced I am fully emptying my bladder yet. My thought is that because my bladder has been relaxed/not stretched for an entire week, it is going to need some practice getting used to holding more than about 200mL. Still having a bit of gas pain and butt/sacrum pain today, but it is very manageable with Tylenol.
Despite my bladder not totally behaving, it has been so nice no longer having the catheter. I feel so much better about moving, walking around, playing with my parents’ dog, etc. The bleeding from the surgical site has also decreased significantly since no longer having the catheter - I think the tube being in that area was just irritating the surgical site. Now whenever I have looked at the pad there is typically a tiny amount of serosanguinous fluid, no more than a few drops to the size of a quarter. Hoping this marks a big turning point in my recovery! Once again, I am very glad to be getting this aspect of phallo over with now. It is helpful for future surgeries/procedures/providers to have discovered that my urinary system/bladder is kind of sensitive and may need a little more prophylactic care than other people.

I bought it in January 2024 because my 12 year old cat had been having digestive/weight loss issues for a while and I wanted to monitor his weight regularly without wrestling him onto a scale every day. Reading cat Reddit has helped me through his illness and I've seen a few questions here about the product, so I hope this review can be useful to others.
Pros:

• Very easy to set up: you just plug it in or put the batteries in and follow the directions in the smartphone app.
• Data is stored in the cloud (you can only access in the app though, no desktop).
• The app takes a bit of poking around to get used to where each set of information is, but I’m happy with it now. (And to be fair, “litter box scale” is not exactly a common user interface.)
• While the main concern I had was “oh god is my cat losing weight again,” I appreciate the additional data like frequency of each type of elimination, amount of time spent in box, and monthly email updates on trends such as increased or decreased visit duration and daily visits. So far nothing has been notable except weight gain, but if for example his number of visits per day ticks up that could help uncover an issue before other symptoms show.
• Other nice little details are: imperial or metric measurement, scoop reminders, downloadable reports by month, and alerts when weight changes seem abnormal.
• It’s honestly just funny to get a push notification when your cat poops. Maybe normal people turn this off, but not me!

Cons:

• The biggest con for me is that I recently had to spin up a proxy WiFi network just for the scale. Like many other Internet of Things (IoT) products, it’s only meant to connect to a 2.4 GHz band. Up until a few weeks ago our Xfinity router was sending the scale to the correct band and then suddenly it wasn’t (presumably a firmware update on one side or the other) which meant the scale constantly fell off the WiFi, which meant it was essentially nonfunctional. Most of the hours of debugging was on my side as the customer service folks at Petivity, while very nice and well-meaning, were not networking experts, and I had to call three times to even be escalated to receiving an email with a couple tepid suggestions from the tech team. My solve was an old WiFi extender we had sitting around with only the 2.4 GHz band enabled. tl;dr if you have other IoT devices that struggle to stay on your WiFi network, you may also have issues with this monitor.
• This is minor, but the scale needs to be on completely flat and stable ground and have clearance around all sides. It measures weight and vibration and thus can’t be touching anything that would throw off that metric. This is a bit annoying because every time I clean it I need to drag the box off the scale, scoop, put it back, and then make sure it’s not touching anything. I then have to update the event that this creates, telling that app that the 20 pounds registering on the scale are not my 8lb cat dragging a 12lb kettlebell into his bathroom.

I have no information on durability/longevity yet, especially since they mailed me a replacement scale when the connectivity issues started (which I appreciated, that's good customer service). I also can’t comment on how it works with multiple cats or multiple scales.
Not long after I bought the scale he was diagnosed with gastrointestinal lymphoma, and the weight and behavioral data has been really helpful in monitoring how his chemo regimen affects him. For example, usually after a chemo pill his weight drops for about 10 days then goes up, but after his fourth pill his weight only decreased and this let his oncologist make the call to hold off on the fifth pill until we manage what’s probably a pancreatitis flareup. Because cats can vary daily in weight by several ounces, and he is a tiny boy, we could have missed the trend if we'd only weighed him monthly. Then today I noticed he wasn’t trending upward on weight like he’d been the last few few days, so I restarted his appetite stimulant.
I got it for $90 with a promo from Chewy.com but if I for some reason needed to buy it again I would absolutely pay $150. This may be in part because I’ve already spent so much on x-rays and ultrasounds and tests and special food and chemo, but I also think if I’d had it years before I might have been able to use that information to diagnose and get him treatment earlier. And in a stressful situation where I neurotically read into everything (“Is he wobbly or is that just the gabapentin?” “Is he thinner or does he just LOOK thinner because his stomach is shaved for the ultrasound?”), having hard data is a relief.
Hope this is helpful to others considering the product, and I’m happy to answer any questions!

i know everyone experiences but the more i try to think about it logically, i really think i messed up here.
dexter was diagnosed with intestinal lymphoma, potential cancer in bladder, and liver disease with an unknown cause. his vet advised against advanced diagnostics because he was really small and weak.
he was on palliative meds and he was doing pretty well for a month, some scares or flare ups as his vet called it but still doing pretty well. gained 1.5 lbs. he started having diarrhea and not eating. i thought it was time, he was very weak. he went on a higher dosage of some meds and seem to do better but not quite well as before. it was a week and half of not eating too much and with a lot of coaxing.
but he got better and started to eat more. we had some more scares, and he was bouncing between constipation and diarrhea. he has a really bad bout of constipation where he strained for 2 hours and feel asleep trembling on top of me while he was still covered in his own poop. i was giving him more meds now and syringe feeding him pumpkin, he was sort of miserable with the med routine but otherwise in okay spirits.
then in a bout of his appetite declining and constipation, he developed this large deep purple/red bruise all along his stomach and onto his front leg. i could see it where he had been shaved for his ultrasound.
i took him to the emergency vets, who said they had no idea what was causing the bruise and there was nothing they could do for it. they did x-rays and said based on how the tumor looked, they weren’t sure if he had more than weeks. he seemed to be tolerating any pain from that night and when we got back, he was very excited to eat.
the next morning, he was very morose. he ate after i coaxed him with some mozzarella balls but he seemed to be in discomfort, pain, and habit trouble sleeping. i was sort of scared to give him any meds because he seemed to be just uncomfortable.
i don’t know why but i couldn’t stand seeing him like this. i think i reached my limit in the moment. i didn’t even wait for the pain medication to effect his body, i just felt so miserable at the idea of forcing more meds down his throat while he felt so terrible.
i made the appointment for the same day, a vet came over. he felt better from the pain meds and even ate more. he sort of bounced between being really aggressive and upset and relaxing but not quite sleeping. i told a friend that came to be with us that if he fell asleep, i would call off the appointment.
the vet was running late. i coaxed him on to my lap at the time the appointment should been and he fell asleep. i didn’t know what to do and the vet came. he woke up and became really upset. right before the first med made been sedated, he swiped at him and ran away.
i feel like i put him through hell. he was at the emergency vets for hours the night before and then i brought a vet home for something he couldn’t understand.
i don’t understand why i couldn’t have just waited. waited to see if his primary vet recommended more pain medication, waited to see if there was a way to keep alive and at least have some good or okay days between the night at the vets.
i do wish i had waited at least to speak to his primary vet. waited at least a day to get a better handle on how he was doing and if i could help him.

I just had my gallbladder removed yesterday and wanted to share my overall experience with gallstones, as I've found it useful and comforting to read accounts from others.
Warning signs
I first experienced symptoms last fall. After eating a heavy meal, I had abdominal pain lasting four or five hours that I assumed was the result of something off in the ingredients. Then, about a month later, the same thing happened again with a different meal. About a month later, the same thing happened yet again. I don't get sick to my stomach very often, so I made an appointment with my PCP in January and explained my symptoms. My PCP quickly suggested that the pain might be the result of gallstones, and he explained that gallstones are common for people in their 30s.
Symptoms
My symptoms were pretty consistent. Every gallbladder attack happened in the evening, typically after midnight, and most attacks lasted between 4-6 hours, although they were occasionally milder and shorter. The pain level would start at around a 3 and then gradually work its way up to around a 7 before fading back down again. Pain was focused on my upper right abdomen, although it sometimes radiated throughout my abdomen or to my back. Pain medication didn't really help. At the worst moments of pain, I would often experience vomiting. At first, gallbladder attacks occurred only after heavy meals, but in the last few months, attacks seemed to be random, occurring after even light meals. While the attacks generally happened every 3-4 weeks, I would sometimes experience two or three attacks in the same week. Once, I had three nights of gallbladder attacks in a row. The worst attack, which lasted around 8 hours, occurred a few weeks ago.
Tests
My PCP ordered an ultrasound in February, which came back negative for gallstones. My PCP put me on omeprazole in the event that the abdominal pain was the result of an ulcer. In the meantime, my PCP ordered a CT scan for March. The CT scan came back positive for gallstones, and the physician who examined my ultrasound revised their diagnosis, having mistaken a gallstone shadow for a pocket of gas. My PCP explained that I had what appeared to be 1.5cm gallstone lodged in the bile duct, and he recommended surgery to remove the gallbladder. I quickly agreed. The surgery was scheduled for May.
Diet
After my first appointment to address the abdominal pain back in January, I made fairly sudden changes to my overall diet, because my PCP ordered blood work, which showed that I have high cholesterol. I really wasn't the healthiest eater prior to my gallstone diagnosis, which can't have helped. After getting diagnosed with high cholesterol in January, I quickly shifted to a high-fiber, low-saturated fat diet. I cut out alcohol and fatty foods almost entirely. To be honest, I didn't really notice a change to my gallbladder symptoms after changing my diet, although eating healthier meals probably didn't hurt. I did develop some anxiety around eating as a result of the gallstones, and in the last four months, I've lost around ten pounds. I tried to eat three or four small meals throughout the day rather than a couple larger meals. In the last few months, it wasn't uncommon for me to be eating less than 1200 calories per day, which probably wasn't healthy.
Prepping for Surgery
I had pre-op phone appointments with my surgeon's scheduler, a nurse, and my surgeon. They explained how the procedure would go and what the risks were, and they emphasized that I could choose to pursue or not pursue the surgery. They also sent me some materials in the mail, including instructions for the days leading up to the surgery and some special soap, which I used in the shower in the three days before my surgery. The day before the surgery, my surgeon's office sent me a message through my care provider's online portal with the check-in time.
The Surgery
The morning of the surgery, I showered as normal and wore loose-fitting, comfortable clothes. My wife brought me to the hospital, and we checked in at the surgery center. We weren't waiting long, maybe fifteen minutes, before I was called back to prep for surgery. A nurse showed me around, asked me some questions, took my blood pressure, and had me change into my hospital gown and hospital socks. A few other nurses came by to stick an IV in my hand and shave my stomach. After a while, my wife was allowed to come back and sit with me and the nurses. My surgeon came by briefly to say hello and talk through the procedure and ask if I had questions. We waited for maybe an hour before they were ready for surgery. A few nurses wheeled me to the operating room, where I got onto the operating table. Honestly, that's the last thing I can remember. I woke up a few hours later with my wife sitting next to me.
Post-Surgery
I had some abdominal pain after waking up from surgery, but the overwhelming feeling was fatigue. I can't remember ever feeling as tired as I did in the twenty minutes or so after waking up from the surgery. It was very uncomfortable and disorienting, but it passed. As many have reported on this subreddit, the abdominal pain after the surgery wasn't as bad as a gallbladder attack. Walking around after the surgery wasn't so difficult as I thought it would be. I live on the third floor of an apartment building without an elevator, and walking up the stairs wasn't terribly difficult. I'd read here and the nurses warned me that I would have shoulder pain after the surgery as a result of gas from the surgery pressing on my diaphragm. At first, I thought I might have lucked out because I didn't experience shoulder pain at all yesterday. But the pain hit last night and was much worse than the abdominal pain, even with semi-frequent walking to relieve the gas. I've taken pain medication as suggested by the physicians, alternating between oxycodone + Tylenol and Advil.
Today
Because of the shoulder pain, last night was rough, and I didn't get much sleep, but between taking pain medication and walking around, the shoulder pain has subsided, and I managed to get around four hours of sleep this morning sleeping on my back. My wife has been giving me ice packs periodically for my incisions, and I've been eating low-fat, high-fiber foods. Overall, I have much more mobility today, and getting up and sitting down is much less painful than it was yesterday. I still haven't had a bowel movement since the surgery, although the nurses warned me that this might happen because of the ocycodone and anesthesia. I took stool softeners yesterday and today, and I'm trying to drink lots of water. The nurses warned me that constipation could be painful after surgery, so I'm doing what I can to encourage a BM. Fingers crossed that my recovery keeps moving in the right direction! I'll add an update to this post after a week or so, but I hope the above helps other folks experiencing gallstones.
UPDATE: 1 Week Later
Adding this update a week after my surgery for those interested in the post-op recovery process. So far, my recovery has gone very smoothly. So far as I can tell, my digestive system is now pretty much back to normal, although I haven't tried to push it overboard, since my surgeon's team recommended that I keep my diet light for a week or two after the surgery. But, I'm happy to report that in the last several days I've eaten/drunk pepperoni pizza, ice cream, beer, liquor, coke, spicy food, and chocolate without any issues. My incisions are healing well, and I'm back to practically full mobility, although I still get fatigued more quickly than normal. I had my post-op follow-up appointment this morning, and the nurse said I should be fully back to normal within a week or so. A few comments on specific parts of my recovery below.
Digestive Recovery
The primary issue I faced after surgery was constipation, which the surgeon's office mentioned would be a likely side effect of the anesthesia and possibly the painkillers. I stopped taking oxycodone the day after the surgery, and I drank some powdered Miralax once daily for three days in a row, including the day of the surgery after I got home. On the third day, I also drank some prune juice, which I read can be effective for relieving constipation, and I had my first bowel movement that same day. I experienced some diarrhea on days 5 and 6, but I wasn't surprised, as Miralax can take a few days to kick in, and I didn't stop taking it until day 4. In the last few days, however, I've had no digestive issues whatsoever, even with some heavy-ish food and drink like ice cream and liquor, both of which I had together last night.
Pain Management
The greatest post-op pain came from the referred gas pain in my shoulders, which had largely subsided by Saturday (the day after the surgery). I experienced some lesser bouts of shoulder pain on Sunday, but by Monday the shoulder pain was pretty much gone and hasn't returned. I stopped taking even OTC pain medication on day 2, although it probably helps that I didn't have to move very much. Getting up, sitting down, and walking were delicate tasks in the first two or three days after the surgery. Every day since the surgery, however, the incisions have become notably less bothersome. The largest incision, which the surgeon used to physically pull out the gallbladder, is taking the longest to heal up. If I sneeze, cough, laugh, or get up too quickly, the incision hurts a little but less and less each day. That said, it no longer hurts to get up or walk around.
The Unexpected
There were a few aspects of my recovery that I didn't anticipate. The first was that my uvula got a bit beat up during the surgery, which I read was likely a consequence of the tube the surgery team stuck down my throat. I first noticed the issue a few days after the surgery. My uvula felt stretched out and kept hitting the back of my tongue. My uvula has calmed down since, however, and today it feels mostly normal. I expect that it will heal up completely in the coming days. The other part of my surgery that took me by surprise was the fatigue. The last week, I've gotten tired much more quickly than normal doing basic tasks. For example, my wife and I walked around the corner to a grocery store on Wednesday (the fifth day after the surgery), and I was winded by the time we got back. I've found it tiring even to have long conversations. That said, like my other post-op symptoms, the fatigue has been improving. I have more energy each day.
Overall, I'm glad to say I'm doing very well. I have absolutely no regrets about the having the surgery done (although I haven't yet received the bill), and I'm really excited to be back to eating what I want without fear.

I know this is long but please bear with me.
(I’m writing this while my mom and stepdad is asleep)
I need to be extremely cautious right now because I don’t want my mom to know who I’m talking to on my phone because she’ll ask and if I tell her, I’ll get in so much trouble (Again). Especially if it’s online.
For context, I’m 28(F), and I’ll be 29 in December, and I can’t drive because of my eyesight.
Please do not suggest family therapy!! I don’t wanna do family therapy because I know my family is gonna deny everything they’ve done and are still doing to me.
So…
I’m losing hope in my life.
A few days ago I haven't been feeling well since I got up. My right ear was hurting and made me have headaches, made my teeth and jaw hurt, even my neck, and I even had pain in my right eye earlier that day.
But that wasn’t the big issue. I also have been feeling nauseous. And I was crying because I threw up my Burger King that night. I had to leave my grandfather’s house immediately because I was getting cold sweats and I just didn't feel well..
I told my mom and dad about it because I was home alone again. But my mom and dad just told me to take some Pepto and lie down.
My mom once again blamed me getting sick because I’m not eating enough and me eating junk. She also said I wasn’t like this when I talked to her earlier that day.
My mom also got upset the other day when I told her I used the BC pain powder medication you get at a local store. She literally asked me what am I using it for, and who recommended it to me.
Last month, my mom and dad got angry at me because I told them about my mental health, or tried to again. And I even told them my family doctor wants me to do more talk therapy and see a psychiatrist, but my mom told me I don’t need more therapy and stuff, and my dad told me to look for ones myself.
Also my insurance only covers 2 mental health places in my state. One doesn’t do psychiatric care and the other one only specializes in pediatrics. And I can’t go out of state.
They even cover one dentist as well!!
My gender dysphoria with my breasts and my periods are bad again. Also my body dysmorphia with my chin and jaw, and also my lab*a is extremely bad again as well.
My mom even told me today to just shave my bikini area and don’t let it grow long. But I tried telling her that shaving down there is too hard and not all of the hair won’t come off no matter how hard I shave.
I tried mentioning to her about me getting a bikini waxing but I didn’t because she was shopping for clothes and she didn’t want to be bothered.
I even showed my mom 3 dresses that I liked, but she told me “You won’t even wear that!!” She said that a couple of times in the past too.
Anyway, I’m underweight again but I’m happy about that. (I have EDs for certain reasons)
My family won’t let me move out, they get really angry when I try to talk to them about my life goals like transitioning to male, plastic surgery, doing those regular and sxy cosplays, make TikToks, and even maybe becoming a Cm Mod*l.
But everyone says it’s unrealistic. Even my twin sister told me that it’s unrealistic last month. But how is it unrealistic if other real life people are doing it?
My family always tells me to just eat more. But that’s not how eating disorders work. None of my family understands that.
My mom and stepdad even said that I chose to have EDs, Body Dysmorphia, Gender Dysphoria, etc., that I caused all these problems in my head, the internet is influencing me, the usual.
I also had another nightmare about my family last month. In that dream, I got angry, threw a tantrum because my mom and dad told me that my dreams, goals in life are unrealistic, and I started attacking them. Like beating them up.
But that’s not the weird part, I literally felt myself crying. That has happened before with these nightmares.
I had over 60 since September of 2021. Some about my “friends” and school, but mostly about my parents and family treating me bad.
Some of them I woke up shaking or even crying after I got out of bed.
I just need to know why are these happening…
Same with me dissociating and having emotional flashbacks.
With the flashbacks, when I see something or whatever, all of the feelings and thoughts come back to when my parents, family, and friends were mean to me, treated me badly, etc.
And with the dissociation, it doesn’t happen all the time, but when I do, it feels like looking through a glass wall and/or a fish bowl. I still see and hear everything around me, but I just stare and my mind is just blank. For example, when I’m watching a video, I dissociate and I missed what was happening in said video.
I also go in a childlike state sometimes. For example, when my bio dad made me upset one time, I went up to my room and hugged my stuffed animal(s) for protection and comfort.
I also get scared to go to certain places like my mom and stepdad’s house, the area around the school I got bullied in, getting triggered by certain things, all that stuff.
But everyone says I shouldn’t get re evaluated but I’m so confused!!!
I need to make sure I’m not crazy and not faking everything!!
My mom told me today at dinner that she thinks I still have PDDNOS, AKA, SOME autistic characteristics and not Asperger’s.
I then told her I’m now obsessing over it. And once again, her and my stepdad as well told me a diagnosis doesn’t define you, and basically I think they were telling me I don’t need to be re evaluated again.
My mom also told me that doctors can’t know what you have because they’re not you or something like that…
But I’m now even more confused!! And I’m angry again…
I also don’t see my psychologist until June 5th so I have no idea how I’m gonna manage until then.
And on Monday when my bio dad was taking me to my ultrasound appointment, he told me to go on TikTok and look up how to eat healthy…
And when I told my mom that I need a follow up appointment with my family doctor when she picked me up on Wednesday, she told me I don’t need one right now and to not schedule one this week or something. I can’t remember…
But she just told me to just drink water, walk around and move more, and to eat fruits and veggies to get rid of constipation from my IBS instead of taking the Senna Syrup that my family doctor prescribed me…
My dad even asked me last month what kind of TikToks I am gonna make….
And I know I need to get my mental health better before I do any of those things. But I literally can’t because of my parents and family treating me like this…They won’t even let me move out! They say I’m not capable of maintaining a household and stuff.
My parents and my family has done more things in the past but unfortunately I can’t remember them…
I wish I can just rebel against them and just do whatever the hell I want. But obviously, I’m terrified of getting in trouble.
How can I make them, even my doctors realize that I can’t get my mental health stable before I make any physical changes to my body because my parents and my family is making everything 100% worse?
And how can I convince my doctors and my parents that I honestly believe something more is going on with my mental health and I need to be re evaluated again just to make sure everything is still correct and I’m not crazy??
I deeply apologize for the really long post. But any advice anyone?
Am I really making everything up and overreacting?

Hello everyone. I am a 41yr old woman about to embark on this journey. When i was in my 20s, my entire 20s I was with the same guy. He had 3 children when I met him and we never used birth control and I never got pregnant. At first since I was young I didn't worry about it but around mid 20s I really started to feel the depression and eventually accepted my fate. In my early 30s I broke up with my long time boyfriend and met my ex soon after. I told anyone I dated that I couldn't have children because I didn't want to take that away from anyone else. My ex had a son and did want another child but was okay with not. We barely ever had sex. Our schedules didn't permit alot of sex but I told him a month before I turned 35 that I wanted to stop using condoms just in case as I was getting older. 9mos later I was pregnant. It ended in an 8wk miscarriage. Everything was initially perfect as far as ultrasound and hcg levels so it was a shock. I was told that my uterus and cervix looked normal and that I had no cysts on my ovaries. The dr said I may have a problem with my tubes but he didn't think so. Fast forward a year and my ex becomes permanently disabled and breaks up with me. I've been single 4yrs now. I've dated but dating at this age is hard. That pregnancy gave me hope that it was possible and i now realize a man just isn't in the cards for me. I still have my period very regularly. In 2yrs my shortest cycle was 25 days longest was 30. My sister was told during an ultrasound that at 35 she has the amount of eggs as a 25yr old so I'm hoping I may also have a few extra although I don't deny biology. I no longer have to shave my legs so I believe peri is upon me. I have made the decision to hopefully try some iuis. If I go the ivf route I'll be using donor eggs. I am hopeful they let me try a few rounds just in case. My sister has offered some of her eggs but I am leaning towards no on that although I really appreciate it. My question is where to begin? Do I ask the gynecologist? Do I need a referral? Anyone try iui in their 40s? TIA.

Hey all, 32-year-old cyster here and I need to know, because I'm feeling like an outsider even amongst other women with this godawful condition. Has anyone here had puberty stunt with them completely? I understand that the majority of those suffering with the condition as teens end up being put on the pill but I didn't even go on the pill until I was 25. Let me explain.
I had my first period at 13. But I always felt "off" about my body. I was super skinny and never developed with the rest of the girls. My periods were wildly irregular, maybe three a year. As a teen I had reached my full feminine development in eighth grade. I had a puberty cycle, grew (small) breasts and my hip bones/pelvic area expanded somewhat but I never "filled out". That whole building of subcutaneous fat in the hips, butt, and thighs just... didn't happen. I did have a pouch of belly fat however, which was (and remains) the only place I ever seem to gain any weight. I didn't have an issue with acne but I was a bit hairier than normal though didn't think much of that at the time... I need to point out that I grew up in an extremely toxic home, a very high stress environment. My mother didn't cook well and I lived on the worst kinds of microwavable garbage because of poverty and possible sensory issues due to autism as well.
So why the late treatment? Well, at 16-17, I did inquire about it but I never had a regular doctor, they come and go where I live so no consistency of care ever existed. The doctors I did see saw a girl who was skinny with no acne so assumed I was "normal" or a "late bloomer", and the bloodwork for testosterone always came back as "normal". The prolactin and thyroid were a bit off but they were re-tested and came back "normal". (Later, the bloodwork would turn out NOT to be normal but getting ahead of myself). What bothers me is that I refused birth control due to fear mongering in my family and the refusal to buy it for me. I also figured because my labs were fine, I was being paranoid and things would work out eventually as they should.
In college, I started eating more and put on weight as college kids are inclined to do and some of that fat went to my thighs and I had a feeling of "oh, so this is how it feels to have a woman's body". But even then, I knew in my heart that wasn't truly pubertal weight gain, just weight gain from chunking out. I also had a tendency to hide my body wearing sweaters and long shirts to alleviate my dysphoria. (My mother used to cry about hating her own body so I developed this unhealthy mindset that I was doomed to be ugly anyway...) After a coworker pointed out how unusual my lack of a cycle was (I had gone a full year with no period), I finally got a diagnosis at 21 by ultrasound that found cysts. The doctor was very cold-hearted, put me on the pill and told me to come back if I ever wanted a baby. I was also experiencing hair loss at the time which back then was my biggest source of anxiety as it was my best feature. I was on the pill for three months and for the first time in my life had a regular bleed! Like clockwork! But... And this part kills me and I kick myself over this so much now but I didn't stay on the pill because I was confused as to what treatment I should be on due to the heavy anti-pill bias I saw online, didn't have a support system, and was terrified of the pill exacerbating my hair loss. Even my new doctor shrugged it off and said he didn't know a thing about pcos. So... I gave up and stopped the pill and tried and failed at several different kinds of diets. By the time I got my period back, I realized I wanted to be on the pill and needed it the whole time. I eventually got a rediagnosis and got on Diane 35 when I was 25, but it was too late. Not fighting for an earlier diagnosis and going on the pill from the start will haunt me forever and it's my life's biggest regret.
SO, here I am now. 32 years old. Single, childless, and miserable living with family still due to severe trauma. Bullying in high school and my social isolation in my early 20's totally robbed me of the critical years where treatment was necessary. I am technically overweight but looking at me with my clothes on, you wouldn't know because I carry all my weight in my trunk and abdomen. My legs and arms are stick thin. I lost weight in my thighs and it never came back even after subsequent weight gain. My hips and butt are flat. Not hyperbole. I mean, quite literally, in terms of lower body curves I just never developed. Even my wishes for a BBL are now hopeless because all I seem to have is that visceral fat that cannot be suctioned because it's wrapped around the organs. I have a lot of health problems that I can only assume stem from going through my teens and 20's untreated for my type of pcos that gives me high testosterone (which more recent bloodwork confirmed) and lower estrogen. I have to pluck chin and neck hair, of course. I have gross hair that grows in my bikini line and extends to the back of my thighs that I also have to shave. My skin is dry and absolutely terrible and now I'm getting that dreaded round face with the fat sagging under my neck and chin. And the cherry on the top of it all? I am nearly bald. Yup. Have been gradually losing my hair since my teens and the thick, luxurious hair that got me compliments is now 80% gone. I go to work wearing beanie hats and bought two wigs last month but have yet to even unpack them because I'm sickened at the thought that I wasted years worrying about my hair, only to lose it anyway. I'm also getting to the age where not having a dating life and the prospect of never having children bothers me. Which it didn't before but getting older changes your values.
So... Yeah. I didn't mean to write a novel and am sick to death of feeling sorry for myself but I'm just at my limit and can't go on. This condition has utterly destroyed my life. It stole the woman I could and should have been, and I can't even rejoice in balancing my hormones now because my body is underdeveloped and masculinized anyway, and with the hair loss on top, I worry that with age, I will just be mistaken for a man. I don't know what I'm looking for here but I just feel horrible because while I'm sure there are unusual presenting cases like mine, I have yet to meet anyone who didn't get timely treatment for the most severe symptom of going into more of a "male" puberty than a female's. The best I could hope for is saving for plastic surgery implants and an extensive wig collection but I feel so hopeless, due to the high costs and potential for not even being a candidate. There just isn't a single thing to take refuge in anymore in my life and I wake up crying and wanting to end it all.
So that's my rant. My advice to anyone reading this... SPREAD AWARENESS!!! Teenage girls especially are very vulnerable and doctors (and often parents) don't take hormonal conditions like ours seriously. I never fathomed in a million years that my life would amount to being nothing more than a cautionary tale but here I am. The idea that conditions like pcos or ovarian failure are not tracked in young girls when they're so common is unfathomable to me and just so heartbreaking. Any mothers out there, ADVOCATE FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS! And teach them to do the same. And if there's anyone out there in a smiliar boat, please. Message me or reach out because suffering is bad but suffering alone is the worst of all.... I hope good health and happiness finds you all. <3

I just need a place to vent where people will understand. I plan to write him a letter to keep with him in his urn, but I'm not ready to do that yet. Sorry this is so long.
I got my dog Oliver as my 16th birthday gift. He was a schnauzer mix, just the cutest and SWEETEST dog I've ever known in my life. I loved his fuzziness, his crooked ears, and spotted tongue. And his little eyelashes that turned white towards the end of his life. We did so much together, and I always joked about how overly attached to each other we were.
He was always a picky eater. I remember it took so long to find a kibble he would tolerate, and if I didn't change up the flavor of his wet food every couple of days, he'd refuse to eat. He was like that since puppyhood. And he had a sensitive stomach. Sometimes he'd stop eating much for a day or two, and we'd just have to change up the flavors of his food or let his stomach settle.
In late December, his eating was iffy. In early January, I took him in for a vaccine, and mentioned that there was a week or so he wouldn't eat, but his appetite had picked back up. He weighed the same as always and seemed happy as a clam otherwise. But I did think he looked a little skinnier. It was hard to tell, because he'd get groomed every few months. Did he look skinnier just because he was shaved?
Then in late March, he stopped eating much again, and ate less and less. Then after a bit more than a week of this, he started trailing behind me on his walks— even the short walks— and hesitated going up the stairs. He had arthritis, but after almost 3 weeks of this I knew something was really wrong. He wasn't getting better and the way he looked at me... I just knew something was wrong. And parts of him started to look SO skinny. He was always a skinny dog, but I swore his temples didn't look like that before, and you could see more of his spine than usual.
I took him into the vet, and they checked everything: blood, urine, feces, physical. He weighed the same, and it didn't sit right with me. I was the kind of owner that would, literally, bring him in every 3 months or so to check out a new symptom or lump or bump. My mind immediately jumped to cancer, but then I thought— the blood work would show that. I'm just being paranoid. And before this recent hunger strike, he was actually eating a lot more than usual. Maybe he gained weight, and then lost it again.
He was diagnosed with a UTI, and the antibiotics seemed to clear it up, but he didn't seem better. I kept tracking his food intake, and it had increased a bit, but I was so worried. And then on Monday, I noticed that his abdominal area had a slight asymmetry to it. I posted in another subreddit to see if I was worried over nothing, and they convinced me that I wasn't.
Monday - I brought him back in that day, and the x-rays showed that something was pushing his intestines to the side, but they didn't have an ultrasound machine to see what it was.
Tuesday - He got an ultrasound, and that veterinarian said he had two tumors— one little one in his bladder, and a huge one on his spleen that was taking up most of his abdominal area. He was emaciated and starving and I couldn't tell how bad it was because this tumor cancelled out the weight loss and made his stomach area look larger than it was. She said they could probably remove the spleen and get him 4-6 more comfortable months, as long as it wasn't attached to anything else.
At 1 in the morning that night, he woke me up to go out and then didn't want to go back to bed. Instead, he wanted to sit on the couch. So, I sat with him in my lap for a while. He just cried softly for what felt like so long. And then we slept on the couch together
Wednesday - His original vet went to perform the splenectomy. She called me an hour in to tell me that it wasn't just the two tumors, there were tumors on everything. His intestines, his stomach, his kidneys. Just everywhere. She said she'd never seen anything like it, and that no matter how much she removed, he'd wake up in pain and be in pain until the end. So, I gave her permission to euthanize him, and that was that.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel empty and numb and angry at myself that I didn't somehow know something was wrong sooner. He was starving right in front of me, and I didn't really see it. All those times early on I got mad at him for not eating, because I thought he was just being picky.
I just miss him. He didn't fucking deserve that. That dog was my life, by my side all the time, and really truly my best friend. I love him more than anything and he's just gone. I had him for 13 1/2 years and he's left a gaping hole in my life. What kills me the most is that, mentally, he was all there. Even in his last week on those walks he struggled with— he ran to the door in anticipation of those. He was still my goofy little guy and I had no idea how bad things were. Once I knew, he was dead in less than 48 hours and I couldn't even be there with him. I thought I was taking such good care of him, never hesitated to get a checkup or a treatment, bought him the best foods, kept him active, and I fucking missed the thing that killed him

As post title explains, we've almost been trying for a year - stopped using protection last June, started attempting to track cycles around December. Growing up, I was always clinically underweight (5'9" and 110 pounds), and my periods were always irregular. Once I got to a healthier weight in my early/mid twenties, they became like clockwork.
In the last two years, I have put on A TON of weight. I'm super embarrassed of my body, and though I moved to this new city a couple years back and never changed my diet that drastically, I am 180 pounds (now officially overweight). I just chocked it up to getting older. My periods became irregular again. I've seen my doctor countless times during this journey, and only just had my first long-awaited appointment with an OBGYN last week. I really only get my period every 40-60+ days.
I finally talked my doctor into testing my thyroid, ordering a free t4 & t3 test. She had previously only been testing my TSH levels each time, which I learned was not always the most accurate. Since March of last year, my TSH levels have always been above 3.8, most recently being tested at 3.9. This is just under the threshold of "abnormal," though I was previously told on this sub that traditionally you want your levels at 1.
My full thyroid panel was ordered, but I was not required to fast for it. I meant to anyway, but had a pretty sugary coffee drink (offered as a gift from a well meaning friend) and no food a couple hours before I went to the lab at 10:30. My T3 levels were normal (111), by my T4 was .91. The "average range" for t4 is .93-1.7. Because I was only .2 away from normal, my doctor wants to 'check back' in 6 months.
I feel like I'm going crazy. From description of my symptoms alone, my OBGYN thinks its possible PCOS, but I had a transvaginal ultrasound scan that came back "fine" a few months ago. My OB said the scan wasn't done well and needs to be done again, this time in her office. That's in a couple weeks.
I think it's my thyroid: the weight gain (which I have been desperately trying to shave off with eating better and low-intensity exercise and it is not budging, but the scale is always going up), I'm constantly fatigued/exhausted even with 8 hours of sleep, my always oily skin growing up has become much more dry and flakes off if I'm not using a heavy duty moisturizer, my thick hair is thinning. And the periods.
I'm just frustrated. I'm from a neglectful, abusive family who never went to the doctor themselves, and have no idea if I'm just overreacting or how to advocate for myself. I can't currently afford to consult with the fancy fertility clinic in the area because I am in grad school, though I am thinking of biting the bullet anyway.
Idk, this process (getting pregnant) has been 100% free for so many people I know that maybe I'm just feeling ridiculous for pushing so many appointments into figuring it out.
I don't know what my question is. I guess, if you were me, how would you advocate? What do you do to track ovulation on your irregular periods (the ovulation tests don't work for me, no matter what the second line is always too faint)? Can I ask to try out a thyroid treatment if my levels are subclinical just to see?

I’ve been wanting to share my story, but I didn’t want to put it out there right away.
It begins back in 2020 at 32 yrs old. In the height of the pandemic I found out I was precancerous for ovarian cancer when I went in for a well woman’s check and told my OBGYN about my swelling abdomen. After lots of imaging, it came back that my ovaries were 16 cm large.
I followed up with an oncologist and my left ovary was removed as it looked the worst of the two, and 3/4 of my right, both sent for biopsy. My oncologist said it was a 4% chance I actually have cancer since it’s normal for women to get cysts. However a phone call 2 weeks later and she told me I needed to remove my right ovary since it’s precancerous and I have a week to decide if I want children or not. I wasn’t even engaged or married, but in a long distance relationship. I made the decision to not have children, argued with my father about it, and went in for surgery a month later.
I struggled a lot mentally then. I never gave myself the proper time to grieve and jumped right back to work a week after surgery. It wasn’t right in retrospect, but at the time I worked in the medical field and COVID was very demanding of us medical workers. My boss demanded and begged I come back (I no longer work there). I had an identity crisis as I struggled to accept if it was ok to see myself as a woman since a good part of my female genitalia was gone. Even though I’m biologically female, look female, I struggled to accept it since I “failed” as a female and grieved at the blessing all females are born with—the gift to birth life. I made peace with it all when I came to accept that I cannot mold myself any longer to the social norm—the rat race—as I am no longer on that track, but rather I’m in the race at my own pace. Robert Frost said it best in his poem “The Road Not Taken”. I am taking the road less traveled, and it’s ok, this is my life.
Fast forward to 2023. I’ve got a local boyfriend, a new job, and starting to feel like I’ve got my life back. Everything is great!
However, there was this nagging voice in my head that something is wrong. I ignored it for a good part of the year until it formed anxiety and quickly found myself at my doctor’s office because of stomach pains in March. He told me it’s no big deal and that he can give me anxiety meds to relax as well as a referral to see a cardiologist and a gastroenterologist. I refused the medication, and followed up with the specialists. With the cardiologist I did a number of tests, all of which returned normal. And at the gastroenterologist, the doctor summed it up to GERD, which I’d never had before, but it does run in my family. For a while, I stuck to pantoprazole thinking that was the issue—everything is ok.
That is until one night I had really bad back pain and spent 6 hrs at the ER to get a CT of my abdomen which returned “normal”. I told the doctor of my history, and he assured me nothing is there. But it wouldn’t end there, from May to September, I went to the ER twice a month because of pain. They couldn’t find anything and recommended I follow up with my primary care doctor (PCP) and OBGYN. I had an appointment first with my OBGYN, but I got one of her colleagues instead since my doctor was out that day. She reviewed my ER documents and was mad they gave me antibiotics for a UTI because they found blood in my urine, but that isn’t possible since I don’t have ovaries. Instead, she took me into their ultrasound room and decided to scope out my lower abdomen. She saw nothing, but for some reason, she decided to go further up, and when she did, she found a 4cm mass on my upper abdomen. She quickly left me alone in the room and came back with my CT from May and cussed out loud. There in writing it said something was found on my upper abdomen. Immediately she questioned me with why I didn’t come in sooner and how come they never told me. I didn’t have an intelligent answer to give since as far as I knew, they said everything was normal. She then told me she can’t do anything about it since it look looks like it’s beyond the scope of her practice and I should follow up with my GI and a urologist. Which I did. The urologist couldn’t do much since he said he couldn’t help me with it and with my GI, we did both and EGD and colonoscopy which didn’t show this mass. Instead went back to my PCP and he said he believes this is all in my head and I should see a psychiatrist.
At this point I’m feeling pretty damn insane and bawling. I’m unstable at work and can’t focus. I bargain with myself—see my OBGYN one more time to see what she thinks, and if she says the same thing, then I’ll check myself into a psyche hospital.
I call my OBGYN doctor one more time and get an appointment with my actual OBGYN doctor. I tell her everything and she empathizes and says let’s do a trans vaginal ultrasound instead. I agree to it not knowing how damn invasive and uncomfortable it is, but I’m desperate and want answers. We do it, and she sees not just one mass, but two and grabs my hand to tell me I have to go back to the oncologist. I’m in tears, but out of joy and fear, because while I’m down that familiar path, I’m relieved to have an answer and I’m not crazy. She orders an MRI and another CT and trans vaginal ultrasound at the hospital to get more thorough answers.
I see my new oncologist (old one left) and she reviews all my imaging. She confirms I definitely need to have these masses removed and to also get a hysterectomy. We set the appointment for surgery and I go in. What didn’t happen was surgery. When I wake up , she tells me and my fiancé that she found cancer spread throughout my abdominal cavity touching my diaphragm, colon, and a few organs. So instead of removing anything then, she recommends we wait a week so she can discuss this with her peers and we will follow up with her in 2 weeks. My appointment comes up and she tells me we need to have surgery now since my wedding is December 1st, and she will be out most of December on vacation. We agree and set everything up for surgery a week before Thanksgiving. I have my debulking surgery and spend 5 days in the hospital recovering. My oncologist followed up with me and said everything went well, I don’t need chemo and we can just go straight to estrogen blockers. I felt like my nightmare was over.
I felt free.
I have one last visit with my oncologist the day before my wedding to follow up on my recovery and incisions. I’m feeling great and nervous because tomorrow is the big day and I’m ready to put all this behind me. My oncologist tells me everything looks to be in order and healing well. However, there is something else. She tells me I need to do chemo and that I actually have stage 3 low grade ovarian cancer.
I’m stunned. I’m crying before I know it. I’m getting married tomorrow.
And I have my rehearsal dinner in 2 hrs with my wedding party and families. How will I face them and not cry.
I did cry. I broke the news to them, but did my best and held it in till the end to tell them. What will you do? Is what I was asked—and honestly, I wanted to disappear.
I go home with my sister and wake up the next day numb for my wedding.
I see my oncologist again right after the wedding and sign the paperwork to have chemo done Dec. 28th.
I go on my honeymoon, return before Christmas, take a chemo class on the 26th and shave my head on the 27th.
You can take all the mandatory chemo classes you want—it’s shit at preparing you for the reality of chemo.
Chemo fucking sucks.
I had 6 rounds of carboplatin and taxol, with premeds or steroids, Pepcid, and Benadryl. And I will stand by this—the worst part is the premeds.
My first IV infusion was awful. My RN didn’t listen to me when I voiced my discomfort after he blew my vein and straight pushed the Benadryl into my IV line. The Benadryl burns going in. I was having a panic attack, I couldn’t speak because my tongue was numb, I had crazy rapid eye movement, my head was hurting, I couldn’t see properly, and twitching like crazy. The drowsiness didn’t hit until a whole hour later. The taxol burns going in, but the carbo beats the shiet out of you. Needless to say, I refused to return to that center and went to one closer to my home for the rest.
Recovery also sucked. Day 1 after my infusion I felt fine, but day 2 was awful with a ton of pain all over, mostly in my chest and back, no sleep, body sweats, and mild delusions. Day 3 was more of the same with the addition of flushing and body pain all over, to the point of you touched me it was so painful. Day 4 the exact same, however my smart watch went off that my resting heart rate is at 134. Of course this freaked me out and I immediately call the hotline patients are given for emergencies and was told to come in and get checked out. Which I do and everything came back normal. I was told this happens often and to try my best to navigate it. Needless to say, the drive home was beautiful as it was New Year’s Eve and fireworks were going off all around. At this point I’m here on reddit looking for answers and see someone recommended a chemo journal to document each day.
Do it. It’ll save you sanity with each infusion and something to bring up to your care team.
After that visit I was recommended for therapy because another thing you learn is that chemo makes you develop depression and anxiety. This isn’t a statement, it’s a fact and some people are better at navigating this than others.
Makes sure to be fully hydrated up to 2 days before chemo and during, it’ll make the process easier on your body as well as having a meal before and snacks during if you can handle it.
My infusions here on out are the same as before. Except I tell my care team about the Benadryl issue and they tell me it’s not good to do Benadryl first because the steroids and benadryl do not mix well and instead do the steroid first. The Benadryl after the Pepcid, and have the Benadryl mixed with iv fluids to be in a bag and drip in.
Please—if you have a similar reaction to Benadryl like I did, I implore you to request this. And if by your 3rd chemo you have no reaction to the taxol , request for half the Benadryl dose. DO NOT TORTURE YOURSELF.
Chemotherapy is cumulative and each time I’m weaker, but my spirit is strong and I make daily goals for myself, review my journal often, and on my good days I get out and do things with friends or family.
Yesterday, April 23, 2024 is my final chemo infusion and I’m over the moon. I have my usual anxiety before the visit and cry fest in the parking lot wishing to not do it, but I wipe my tears and go in. I have my usual premed routine and make plans the ring the bell when I’m done. I make it all the way to carbo, about half way through when my body starts to react. The IV site is tingling and burning, my hands are sweating, and I’m suddenly having chest pains and palpitations, I check my watch and my heart rate is at 161 bpm. I asked my friend to pull the emergency cord and the team runs in to stop the carbo and start administering a steroid, IV, and get the oxygen tank ready for me just in case. A cardiac team rolls in hooking me up and the RN assigned to me is on the phone with my oncologist. He orders to cease treatment and let it end there. It takes about 45 min for me to stabilize and I’m between shaking, crying, and wanting to puke. They told me everything will be ok and that at round 6 this is expected, except not everyone who experiences what I did reacts to pulling the cord fast enough and most times are having to push to stabilize a patient hooking them up to all sorts of things. As they said “your body knows when enough is enough.”
After I calm down and feel safe enough to leave I ring the bell and cry that it’s finally over. Obviously my journey is far from complete, but this big boss battle is and I’m happy for it to be done. I still have my CT to do in 3 weeks, and I will face it when the time comes, for now this is my story and I won’t give up on my life.

So, I have been dealing with a knee injury that occurred in mid December of 2023. I fell directly on my bent knee after slipping on wet leaves on my driveway and landed on a sharp piece of gravel. I've been through 3 providers now, and none of them could get to the root of my symptoms with my knee.
I have been researching symptoms of patellar tear and fracture, and they seem to line up with what I'm experiencing. I'm seeing a new (4th) provider next week and I want to go in with an idea of what to ask them to look for.
My symptoms: - cannot bend knee past just over 90 degrees - cannot fully extend, what "feels" straight to me is slightly bent, I think PT said about 18 degree bend. - weakness that's worse if I'm not wearing a support brace. - pain in the center of my knee, achy mostly but sometimes sharp with sudden movements - I feel a catching sensation when attempting to extend my knee from any position that I have to kind of wiggle out - quad muscle has almost no strength and my upper thigh looks flat and deflated compared to my other, non injured leg - knee looks swollen and shapeless
What I've had done: - several x-rays, I think I'm up to 3 now for this one issue. Some with leg bent, some with leg straight - MRI of the knee. It supposedly showed nothing super concerning except for my ACL looking thin and some potential fluid/ blood inside - ultrasound of the joint- showed concerning fluid build up near the center and potential evidence ofnl trauma to the area. That was done at an ER and that doctor diagnosed it as a patellar tear, but obviously couldn't treat that and referred me out to an orthopedic specialist - scope procedure that looked at my meniscus and ACL, the surgeon shaved part of the fat pad but that's it. Notes don't tell if they even looked at the patella/ patellar tendons specifically - physical therapy, before and after scope procedure, no improvement in range of motion or other symptoms - steroid shot in my affected knee, made everything WAY worse
Thanks for any input! I'm so eager to finally get this injury healed and recover.

18M, no bumps/lumps around testicles. They look/feel exactly the same as before except for the aching, haven’t had sex
This first occurred a few months ago. It happened like a day or 2 after I shaved my balls, so at first I thought it was epididymitis from an unclean razor or something. It was pretty bad for like a week or 2. It was hard standing and sitting still, as it was just a really uncomfortable aching feeling. It was also really hard to sleep because of it too. It ended up seemingly going away after a couple of weeks. I’ve had a pretty chaotic past few months, so honestly I can’t recall if it was still happening or not, but it was definitely not nearly as noticeable as the first couple of weeks. Now, it seems to be somewhat back. I say somewhat, because it seems to mostly happen only at night. I usually go all day with no discomfort, but for some reason at night it just randomly starts aching. Sometimes it feels like a heavy feeling (like idk how to describe it, just like a more constant discomfort) but it also sometimes feels like a throbbing (legit like a heartbeat) feeling. I noticed that after going on a run one day, it started aching kinda like my heartbeat. Does anyone know what this could be?
I went to a doc just recently and they felt around and said there was nothing physically wrong. They said I probably don’t need an ultrasound, but said they can book one if it makes me feel better. Problem is idk if this will be covered by insurance or not.

TLDR; I tried to opt out of chemo with stage2 hormone++ and her2- breast cancer, only to find out my genetics say “hell no you can’t opt out of chemo”
I am 47F, My boyfriend at the time 44M found a lump in my breast January 3rd. I made an appointment with my ob/gyn and was seen January 4th.
I needed a pap done anyways. I almost forgot to mention the lump in my breast to my ob/gyn.
He felt it, and politely asked if he could ultrasound it. (Extra office cost) I said yes. He did. And suddenly. I’m on a fast track to get a mammogram and another ultrasound at a specialist imaging place here in my hometown of Austin.
I admit, I thought “it’s nothing” but in 2020 when I lost my fiancé to a heart attack and my mother to cancer. I dropped a lot of weight. But it wasn’t just weight loss. I shrunk…and every one in my life noticed. before 2020, and most of my life I was thick in my ankles and wrists, and was a thick woman. Suddenly I was small…
I attributed it to my grief. And the fact I was devastated as I felt like my life was falling apart. And my drinking, and my running from every one and everything. Basically I didn’t cope well with the years 2020-2023. Anyways that’s another story in and of itself..
So I am sent to get the imaging done. And everything was going swimmingly. Get my boobs smashed, and then on to ultrasound.
Talk about zero poker face ultrasound tech. We started off joking with each other and making polite banter. Then she puts the wand on my lump. And she goes silent. Dead cold silent. She gets up and tells me to put my top back on, but to not leave the dr. Will be right in.
I am still holding firm to my exhaustion and weight loss being in my head and from my grief. But I knew…..I mean haven’t some of you been there? Where you felt it?
The dr. Comes in to the ultrasound room. And all I hear from his talking to me is “this is very very concerning, we need you to schedule a biopsy…”
I walk out to my waiting 23F daughter and I say “well, that did not go as expected…”
She keeps it light and says. “Of course, of course BOOBS would also be a problem!”
See, I was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. A pretty extensive one. That I spent till the age of 37 repairing. So I had a good ten years of being left alone and joining all the “normal” people of society. (Also another story for another day) cue daughter making genetics lottery jokes. I love that kid.
Anyways, I call to schedule my biopsy. And they want me to come in. “Tomorrow” I feel shocked. Like wtf is going on?
So I get a little rebellious and say. “I’m busy tomorrow, can you fit me in…next week?” Yeah, take that! Ugh
Get to the biopsy. And I’m being treated gently. Almost to gently. And I’m also informed that they will be putting a titanium marker in my lump. This is where I disassociate…all I remember from that procedure is the dr. Came in talking at me boisterously about “aren’t you happy we have modern medicine and we don’t have to rely on fake cures that kill people faster in regards to cancer.”
See. I am covered in tattoos and I’m sure I come across as a hippy type chic. But I am not. “SCIENCE ALL THE WAY.”
I say this to him, except add a bit of offended he would assume anything about my choices in life because of the way I look.
Then, the kicker. They hand me a pillow made by breast cancer survivors with a little card attached to it.
Walk out to my daughter again, we get outside. And I tear up a little. And she says. “Don’t worry mom, I will shave my head for you. We will make all your friends with amazing hair shave theirs too!!! It’s on!”
We don’t know yet. But then 1 1/2 days go by and my ob/gyn calls. And I hear. “Yes, hi, I am so sorry to be delivering this news. It is unfortunately cancer. The oncologist should be calling you in the next hour .” If I had a dollar for as many times I’ve heard “I’m so sorry “ lately. I would stop worrying about my career. No offense I love the compassion….and don’t stop just damn…someone crack a joke for me!
Things go silent. During this call with my OB/GYN. All I can hear are the birds. And suddenly the nightmare I had been having every night since my birthday on December 23d, goes flashing through my mind. And I felt scared.
The nightmare: I am in this house. It feels like home but it feels dark….I look out the window of the house and I see my mother standing on a shore. One foot in the water and one foot on land. I go running out of the house to hug her. And as I am about to reach her to embrace her and cry to her she throws her arm out at me. And it knocks me down on the ground. I am confused. Sad. I ask her why won’t she hug me. She picks me up turns me around to view the house I’ve just run from and says. “Sonja, you don’t belong here yet, you need to take care of your home.” I now feel her hands on my shoulders tightly and I can see the “home” and it’s almost haunted….it looks off. And then I wake up. I had this dream repeatedly until January24th the day I was given the IDC breast cancer news.
Okay, so here I am one lumpectomy and breast reduction later. For stage 2 hormone++ her2- breast cancer. I am two weeks out from that procedure. Cancer is removed my margins look good.Zero lymph node involvement and the tissue around the tumor is all clear.
And I had hoped after combing through all the literature that I could escape the chemo port. And chemo.
WRONG. my oncotype score is 39. And genetically after all the extensive DNA tests it’s not if cancer comes back, it’s when. It’s something like a 79% chance of recurring cancer. NO WONDER the radiologist let out a gasp when my genetics report came across her screen.
So here I am, writing this. One day after trying to plead my reasons for no chemo to my oncologist, when she responded with “your oncotype was high, it is why I am SUGGESTING IT.”
As if I would chance losing years of my life because I am sure my bald head is not shaped right. And the chemo port won’t look cool inserted in to my chest tattoo. I truly had hope for the entire day my ex husband 54M (father to my daughter and my absolute best friend) and I found evidence supporting only needing radiation and hormone suppressant therapy….we were stoked. Until we put the rest of the pieces together that is.
But alas. This is cancer. It’s basically mutated cells who woke up one day and chose violence. Cancer lives by its own rules!! F U cancer.
So that’s it….this is where my new reality lives. This is my life now.
To all you fellow women and men going through it, I am here for you and with you. DM me if you need a fellow human to hear you. I started out absolutely furious. I am now just trying to stay focused and quit imagining the horrors of chemo…
Shout out to my mom (RIP) for finding a creative way even in death to scold and alert me. I miss you.

At 36 weeks, Monday, April 8th, we had an appt scheduled with the OB and with L&D to do a BPP to make sure babies were still doing well. Our OB appt went great, but the BPP found that both babies fluid was low. Dr wanted us admitted overnight to see if IV fluids would help. Our nurse told us that it was possible we could be having the babies that day. My husband and I looked at each other in shock. Luckily, I had packed my bag, but we still were not prepared at all for babies to be born when we went for our appt.
It took 3 different nurses to place the IV (the first two each blew a vein, while telling me that I had “good veins”) which was pretty hellish as I don’t do well with needles so after the IV was finally placed I had a huge emotional release and started crying. The nurses were kind and asked if I needed extra time before they transferred me to the antepartum unit. Once at the antepartum unit I got settled in and started noticing Braxton hicks, mostly in my back but sometimes spreading to my lower front abdomen. Dr and nurse insisted they were Braxton hicks.
Dr came to see us later that evening and told us that it really was up to us whether or not we wanted to schedule our c section for the following morning. She said with my gestational hypertension diagnosis she was waiting for “the other shoe to drop” and said she was basically waiting for one more thing to go wrong and this was technically one more thing. My husband and I agonized over the decision for a few hours but decided to tell the dr that we would wait for the follow up BPP in the morning to see if the IV fluids made a difference or if fluid on babies was still low. She agreed and said she would have anesthesia stop by in the morning to go over everything just in case we decided to move forward with the c section.
The next morning, the anesthesiologist came by. He was nice and explained everything to me in detail and answered all of my questions. Then I felt worsening pain in my back and cramping in my lower abdomen. I told the nurse “I think I’m having contractions” and she said “yeah you are” a bit nonchalant. But then she looked at the monitor and said “let me ask the dr if she wants to check your cervix”. She later came back with another nurse and that nurse tells me she will be shaving me and that the overnight nurse should have done it. So fun to be shaved by someone else 😅Another nurse comes in and checks my cervix and says a bunch of numbers/terminology I don’t understand and when I ask for clarification she tells me my cervix is very soft and able to be stretched. The ultrasound tech finally arrives and starts the BPP to check the fluid level on babies. At the same time, my dr comes in and tell the tech to stop so she can check me and says I’m 5-6 cm and they can stop the ultrasound, we’re having babies today. 😳 I looked at my husband and we were both shocked. I had an “oh shit” moment but didn’t really have too much time to think about it. A trio of nurses came in to prep me. It felt urgent. My husband and I were ready to go when one of the nurses got a call saying someone was hemorrhaging in OR so it would be a minute. They left my husband and I for a few and we both started crying and hugged it out for a few minutes, just overwhelmed by it all so quickly. Nurses came back to get me and then they got a call saying they had an emergency c section so we had to wait for that. After about 20 more min of waiting, finally we were being brought back to the OR.
My husband had to wait outside in the hall. I was led inside to the OR. There were a few people inside prepping but they didn’t really pay me any attention. The nurse sat me on the edge of the table and the anesthesiologist explained what he was going to do. The novacaine hurt way worse than the actual spinal did. I started to feel my legs get numb almost immediately so they helped me lay back on the table. Waiting for them to prep me while my husband was outside was honestly the worst part. I felt like an object and no one except the anesthesiologist and my OB acknowledged me. They even placed my catheter without warning me, which felt like a violation. Even though I was numb I would’ve liked a warning! Some basic respect and dignity. Anyway…
My husband was allowed in and I could tell he was really nervous. They asked if we wanted music playing and I told him to pick a song because I was starting to feel a bit out of it and I knew it would help him calm down. They didn’t tell me when it started and I didn’t feel the incision (not even pressure) which was great. Then the Dr said they were about to have baby A out. They lifted her up to show us and my husband and I started crying (baby A was crying too). My husband took a picture and then they took her away to the warming room across the hall to check and make sure she was okay. Baby B was footling breech and as the Dr was trying to deliver her my uterus clamped down. So I felt a lot more pressure but she came out screaming just like her sister. Cried again. They took her away and they told my husband he could go across the hall to see them. Then the Dr told us to cut off the music. I was already feeling kinda woozy from the spinal so I wasn’t panicked like I would’ve normally been. But I heard the dr say “push ___” and the anesthesiologist responded. Turns out I was bleeding a bit more than usual but she didn’t tell me that until later. Baby A was 5lb 9oz and perfectly fine. Baby B was 6lb 9oz and had to be put on CPAP for a bit because she was showing stress signs while breathing. But she and her sister were give to me to be transported to the mothebaby unit. They also wanted me to do skin to skin with B to help her breathing. She was perfectly fine after that! We were so thankful our girls didn’t need NICU time and I really think the betamethasone shots I got at 34 weeks saved us from the NICU.
Recovery was going great until about 36 hours after delivery. I was about to feed a baby when I felt a sudden gush of blood. I immediately gave my husband the baby, told him to call the nurse and went to the bathroom. Blood was pouring out. I thought I was hemorrhaging and was going to die. 3 nurses rushed in and got me back in bed asking me a flurry of questions. I never felt dizzy or lightheaded thankfully and my main nurse checked me and kept insisting I was not hemorrhaging. I told her I could feel blood coming out and she was saying she couldn’t see anything. I felt gaslit. She called the on call Dr who told her to give me cytotec rectally to stop the bleeding. That was fun. After reading back my paperwork a week later, my bleed was definitely a hemorrhage. Small, but it still classified. Before that, I hadn’t had much bleeding at all. When I saw my OB the next morning I told her I was terrified and she said she would’ve been too. She told me it’s very unusual that someone will have no bleeding for 36 hours post c section and then all of a sudden bleed that much. The bleeding continued over the next few days but was normal. Dr wanted to keep me an extra day due to the bleed and concerns over my blood pressure.
We were discharged on Friday morning the 12th, and we were so ready to get home! Both babies are doing great at home. My husband and I, not so much 😂 the sleep deprivation is real and these girls have kept us on our toes but I’m so in love with them. I’ve had random bouts of crying just thinking about how hard we worked to get here and now it’s actually happening. I know people here will understand.
On a funny note, I think nesting hit me postpartum because just 5 days post c section I decided to clean and organize our bedroom. But honestly, even with the shooting abdominal pain if I move the wrong way, recovering from a c section is SO much better than being pregnant with twins in the third trimester. My endurance is back, no more back pain, no more pelvic pain, no more rolling around in bed like a rotisserie chicken because of hip pain, I can actually participate in life again, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc.
Thank you to everyone in this sub who helped support me throughout this pregnancy. It was no walk in the park and these girls gave us more than one scare and I’m sure that won’t change 😅 but having the support of this community was so helpful navigating pregnancy after infertility. Y’all rock!

Hi,
So I tried Fin 1mg daily before, after 3 months I developed some obvious sides like watery semen. That doesn't bother me at all. Then I noticed I had this strange neck pain, which eventually was accompanied by swollen lymph nodes. I then attributed the neck pain and lymph nodes to Fin, stopped the treatment and got an ultrasound. Everything came back fine. I did also get some armpit pain.
My hairloss has progressed and it's starting to stress me out. I kinda wanna go bald but with my psoriasis, it will look nasty, my scalp can get red and very flaky with thick plaques. Maybe they would go away if I shaved my head, but maybe not and I would look like an alien for a period of adjustment which is less than appealing.
I'm thinking of trying Fin again at a smaller dose of 1mg every other day (actually 3 times weekly as suggested on some YT videos).
I read that if you push through sides, they can go away. Swollen Lymph nodes isn't really a listed side of Fin, it is one for Dutasteride though so it must be possible in very rare cases. What was even happening for Fin to cause this? I guess I could try a lower dose and see if I develop sides again. If I develop the exact same sides, should I try push through or just call it a day and see how minoxidil and microneedling work out for me?

Hi guys
I really have to apologise… this is long. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by sharing, but I think I really need to just rant and complain a little bit, because this is incredibly difficult to process and I am just in so, so much pain. I’d welcome tips, advice etc but even other people saying they understand would make me feel a little better I think. I feel really alone in it all and like no one really knows or cares how much this is affecting me.
I have recently been told I have HS. No medical professionals have really told me much about it or given much advice, or information on the condition, which then led to me googling, and oh boy, I regret that! I was really happy to find this HS subreddit. All I’ve been told is that it’s a “particularly nasty” case, by a couple of doctors.
For context, I’m 37, F, white, live in the UK. I am not in great health, suffering with cardiomyopathy, osteoarthritis in lumbar spine; a diagnosis of a particularly aggressive case of breast cancer (dx in 2019 and had a mental breakdown from that, it was super aggressive so I was given the whole damn bumper size package of treatments, chemo etc); major depressive disorder and eating disorder (restrictive). My vit D levels are on the floor, & so’s my ferritin. That’s highly likely eating disorder related. I’m currently on supplements prescribed by my GP, however this is far from the first time this kind of malnutrition has occurred.
Before January, I’d never had any kind of skin condition. I’m not obese or overweight; I don’t smoke; I have no family history. Basically I don’t hit any of the common contributing factors.
It’s been incredibly distressing to have it so abruptly pop up. It started as a single lump in my left armpit which grew and grew and grew, and became so painful I couldn’t rest my arm down to my side naturally. I was sent to A&E several times, with concern being an infected hair follicle/folliculitis and potential cellulitis (I have had that before, turning septic, from what was initially mastitis back in 2018).
I have so far been put on several courses of antibiotics, I&D once, and a few ultrasounds of both axillaries.
That first sole lump didn’t respond to antibiotics (both flucloxicillin and Coamoxiclav) growing into a very large angry abscess, and I ended up needing incision and drainage under general anaesthetic end of Feb. They got 10ml of pus out. Very, very soon afterwards, more lumps appeared, in my right armpit, more in my left armpit near the abscess, and on my groin. It just went completely crazy.
The op to drain the abscess caused quite a few issues. It still hasn’t healed two months on. Green pus leaks out all the time. It’s red raw and excruciating.
The lumps in my right armpit were just sort of… there - palpable, lumpy etc but all smallish and solid, no “head), and not painful at all - until this past week/10 days.
Side note - my breast cancer was in my right breast. I had a lumpectomy, not mastectomy, and they also removed lymph nodes in my right arm too, putting me at an increased risk of lymphoedema. I’m so scared the HS will trigger that….when I said this to a surgeon he just really bluntly told me it was “quite likely” which REALLY has upset me).
Thankfully, the lumps in my groin went away. My left armpit also has many more lumps all around the abscess site, which are also incredibly painful.
Since that first lump appeared in mid Feb I have been prescribed six - yes 6 - courses of oral antibiotics. Just back to back courses. They are all doing absolutely nothing. It has been Flucloxicillin, then co-amoxiclav, more flucloxicillin, more co-amoxiclav, then ANOTHER course of flucloxicillin earlier in the week, and then two days ago, clarithomycin.
The pain is still excruciating. I’m talking sobbing, in excruciating pain. My arm movement is really restricted. And when I say I feel this pain - I am literally under the chronic pain management team for spinal osteoarthritis, for which I am already on a Butec patch AND oral morphine. Yet my armpits are seriously more acutely painful than my back is.
I’m at a loss. I genuinely feel so hopeless. The pain is so bad especially at night, I get this really unbearable burning, stinging pain coming from really deep within my armpits. Every time I see a doctor, I keep either getting sent to the surgical team at my hospital (who are telling me the lumps are either too solid, or they can’t mess with them much because it’s more complex than just like…lopping them off) because of tunnelling and sinus tracts or something? I don’t really understand it.
But no one is telling me what they CAN do!! As I say, Google has not been my friend, and I am already struggling badly with my mental health (a lot stemming from mycancer diagnosis age 33, very, very shortly after I had delivered my third baby) and subsequent, unrelated chronic health conditions.
Life feels utterly hopeless and difficult. I can’t stop crying because I’m so devastated at getting yet another pretty life limiting condition (which is quite unlike me, I’m usually pretty numb/stoic to most stuff, yay dulled emotions from depression 🫠).
I’m in so much pain, I’m frustrated that doctors just carry on chucking more antibiotics at me even though they’re clearly not doing anything or cleaning up an infection I supposedly picked up post surgery that is NOT HS; but some other bacterial infection that got into the site of the incision. Yay me.
I read that depression is common with HS. Also lower life expectancy. And higher skin cancer risk. “Rarely do these complications occur” is not reassuring to me, given my already quite dramatic medical history. But this flare up out of absolute thin air, and it being so aggressive and persistent and non responsive to antibiotics; and the fact I’m already on two different strong opiates for a completely different condition and it still hurts like crazy, and the lumps are STILL growing, still producing bright green pus, hot, red, burning raw pain and I’m just told time after time that yeah, sorry, just keep it clean blah blah (I do keep it all clean, I use warm compresses, I was told to keep away from wearing wound dressings, which I’ve done but makes things even worse as then my clothes rub against my armpits…no deodorant, no shaving (I usually take quite a bit of care in how I look, probably care more than is healthy tbh, but all the same, I’m just not a hairy pits girly, and I always feel like I STINK).
My life feels over. Too much. I’ve been sectioned (like legally detained in psych wards) 9 times in the last 3/4 years for eitheboth anorexia and severe depression/suicidal ideation. My mental health is already extremely poor. I don’t think I can take much more of this.
If you read all this, I’m genuinely so grateful for your time. Like I said at the start I don’t know what I really hope to achieve or what I hope people can advise, but I’ll take anything, even if it’s just someone saying they understand.
If nothing else I’m glad to have stumbled on this Reddit community.
Thank you for reading so much of my complaining!! It’s been a really, really tough week health wise and I feel close to breaking point now. Words of hope and encouragement would be so, so appreciated and meaningful right now.

I hope that this is okay to post here, please let me know if not. I’m just feeling so frustrated this morning. I stopped using birth control a little over a year ago and my cycle immediately went crazy and has been anywhere between 40-90 days long. As a teen, before bc, I never had a normal cycle length but assumed it was due to being very thin and active in ballet. After stopping bc, my cycle never evened back out, I started having cramping outside of my normal period cramps, and my acne got worse. On top of that my hairline has thinned for no apparent reason over the years, my body hair grows super fast, and I have a birthmark on my neck that I’ve always needed to shave. At my yearly exam my OBGYN decided I should be evaluated for PCOS. My bloodwork showed that my androgens were in the green zone, but just barely. Yesterday I got my ultrasound and had 4-5 cysts in each ovary, one of which had measurements included and debris noted in the report. But the radiologist said it wasn’t indicative of PCOS. I’m still waiting for my OBGYN to review the results but I’m assuming she won’t be diagnosing PCOS based on the results. I didn’t realize until now how badly I wanted to put a name on the symptoms I’ve been struggling with and am feeling lost now. I started spironolactone early last month (prescribed by my dermatologist for acne) and had my shortest cycle in over a year (32 days), so there’s that at least.

Monday
Another week, another foray into pseudoscience for Dimmy, who is desperate to try anything from cabbage leaves to Jovi patches to heal her knee and turn her breech baby around. Today she headed to the chiropractor to see if they could tell her the position of the baby (spoiler alert: they couldn’t) and then to the acupuncturist to stick needles all over her face like Pinhead and burn mugwort on her toes like some kind of wizard from Harry Potter. She also ordered a fetal doppler from Amazon to try to tell the position of the baby but she was too stupid to figure out how to use it.
Tuesday
Dimmy is 37 weeks pregnant today and 37 more times annoying than usual while bitching about her knee. She had another panel of bloodwork done today and saw a rheumatologist, but still hasn’t received any definitive answers about what might be causing the swelling in her knee.
Dimmy: We landed on eight different name options for the baby but decided we won’t pick the final name until we see her! So I ordered sixteen monogrammed outfits - two for each possible name - because money is no object and we love to create waste. All of the outfits are lavender to match the nursery of course! I’m packing all sixteen in my hospital bag today: Stevenne Grace. Lila Lilac. Her Royal Highness Houghton. Holland London Positano. Viola Voila Kate. Lavender Lilac Violet Purple Reign. Katie Steve. Sophie Stevie Katie McKimberly Kennerleigh. Which of the eight names do you think we will ultimately choose??
While Dimmy shilled $50 six-ounce non-toxic candles, ate Lucky Charms out of paper bowls, burned mugwort on her toes, and encouraged Dummy to set her feet on fire, the most responsible member of the household, Stevie Kate, babysat neighbor baby Blakely all by herself to get some practice in before her shill sister arrives.
Thursday
Dimmy: “I’m so excited for today! We are going tulip picking today! The last time we saw tulips was in Amsterdam! Here are five random photos from our long ass vacation roulette trip, none of them having anything to do with tulips!
My friend Danielle and I are pairing up to give away $5000! Danielle is the best person ever! And by best, I mean worst. She’s a real piece of work! She exploits her girls even more than I do! She prays cockroaches away. She follows her sister around like a lost puppy. So follow us both and you too can watch me shill teeth whitening strips three times a week every single week for the rest of your life, and watch Danielle suck up to Daryl Scam and cart her six year old around in a stroller.
I’m 37.5 weeks pregnant, as if you didn’t know that already, since I said I was 37 weeks pregnant two days ago! And man is my skinny filter working overtime! Look how distorted my hand looks and how tiny my butt and legs look with the filter! Ignore the storage bench that’s jumping around from the filter glitch like Stevie Kate in a field of tulips!
Baby girl is the size of a canary melon. Anyone know what a canary melon is? Is it a bird brain? If so, that’s waaaaay bigger than MY brain! If only I had a smartphone where I could Google canary melon. Or a sister in law who could ask Iris for me since I don’t subscribe to Iris or support or acknowledge anything that bitch does. The only thing I know how to do on my phone is upload stories and links to Instagram that earn me thousands of dollars from the fat poors.”
Friday
It’s photo shoot Friday for Snapshot Kate and Dimmy as they take turns behind the camera and posing for Instagram worthy pretend pictures. Smartie Kate knows exactly what a happy face, a sad face, and a grumpy “Daddy face” look like and Dimmy was all too happy to share the expressions with her followers as her passive-aggressive digs at her dumbass husband continue this week.
Dimmy has her last Kizik code before Stevenne Grace arrives, so she’s sharing her shoe shill in between ultrasound updates to maximize ad views. Unfortunately burning mugwort on her toes and sticking needles in her noggin did absolutely nothing to turn Baby Breech around, so Dimmy will be headed to her doctor on Monday to discuss options.
In her quest to avoid a C-section, Dimmy laid down at a steep incline for 20 minutes with an assist from Dummy to get into the proper position and the most shocking part of all? She owns an ironing board! Her laundry serf really must be full service!
Dimmy is not only phoning it in on Instagram this week, she’s also phoning it in on “creative” playtime options for the Contentot. She squirted shaving cream all over a shoebox full of plastic Easter eggs to occupy Sinkie Kate, who was more than happy to rinse them off outside in their astroturf dog run of a side yard.
Saturday
The Dirtles went to Yesterland Farm where the highlight of the visit for Stevie Kate was (1) the dirt and (2) doing whatever the fuck she wanted without anyone telling her no. Spring-ie Kate went Easter egg hunting but was confused because, unlike at Minnie’s house, the decorative eggs were off limits to take home, and the plastic eggs were filled with candy instead of the carb-free alternative of almonds. Sugared Kate was very wary that Minnie and her giant teeth might pop up at any moment to steal her candy treasures and substitute them with HLTH code powder and Chomps sticks. Little did she know Minnie was also terrorizing ponies - but was safely an hour away at a billionaire baby’s birthday party.
Sliding Kate wasn’t into the big metal slide Dummy tried to pressure her into going down at the farm, or perching on a polar bear’s paw, but she was more than happy to hop onto any ride she wanted without checking with her parents, and sit on the Easter bunny’s lap with her muddy boots and pants so that his white costume would become as grubby as she was.
Stevie Kate couldn’t wait to get home to take a bath change into a princess dress and eat her vitamins because she was starving - after all her troll-like father had stolen all her candy.
Link to this week’s photo