Thing to say on facebook

Hello, I just want to let this out on my chest, and express what I feel throughout the years because now halo halo na nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam sinong ku-kwentuhan, and ayaw ko rin mag kwento sa mga kakilala at mga kaibigan ko. To begin with, growing up, I was used to my lola’s sermon. Minor mistakes lang na magawa ko palagi akong nakakaramdam ng kabog sa puso kasi I know tatalakan niya ako buong araw and she will never forget it, kaya lumaki ako na sobrang takot magkamali dahil kapag nagkakamali ako, I should expect an insults and harsh words. Whenever she’s not in the mood, she will always tell me na “Wala kang kwenta kagaya ng magulang mo” “Kasalanan mo lahat” “Kaya ka ganyan kasi ganyan ang mama at papa mo” “Wala kang silbi” “Wala kang alam gawin” and all other hurtful stuffs a human being could said, hindi lang kapag mag-isa ako, even when I am with my friends, cousins, strangers, family gatherings and even sa mga co-teachers niya.
I don’t want to have a grudge on her even if she’s like that, marami rin siyang ginagawa for us, siya ang nag babayad sa ilaw namin, and sometimes pumupuna sa mga bagay na dapat ginagawa ng parents ko. My dad provides the foods, needs, and wants, while my mom pays for the water, and nagbibigay ng baon. They are working both so we are left with her, our lola, na may ari rin ng bahay.
Today, hindi ko nalinis yung timba na pinapalinis niya para sa panligo niya, not because I don’t want to, but because I bought a cord sa kanto namin, mainit, nag pahinga agad ako kauwi and nawala sa isip ko, not until she mentioned it while I was eating spaghetti, and fuck I know where this thing would go, kaya agad ako tumayo and iniwan yung pagkain ko, diretso sa banyo where the bucket is, not until she stopped me, pinabalik niya ako, so I thought, it was okay.
I go back to eating my food, and she started blabbering about things, I was eating spaghetti while she’s doing that, I was eating spaghetti when she reminded me how useless I am and that I am not capable of doing anything, I was eating spaghetti when she blame me for all the misfortune she has, I was eating spaghetti while she cussed and said that my friends just pretend they like me even if they really don’t because I can’t clean a simple bucket, I was eating spaghetti when she praised my cousins and throw harsh words at me saying why can’t I be like them, I was eating spaghetti when she said I was a pest in her life, I was eating spaghetti my favorite food.
This is the first time na nalabas ko ang mga na ffeel ko sa kanya. She’s still my grandmother, and I respect her so much. Pero, now, punong puno ako, gusto ko ng bumukod at mamuhay nalang na ako mag-isa when I have the money, pero iniisip ko yung nakababatang kapatid ko, I am afraid na siya naman ang pagdiskitahan niya, hindi naman ako/kami sumasagot sa kanya, I have never talk back to her, kahit ngayon na she reached my limit. Because of what she did and she’s still doing, mga maliit lang na bagay iniisip ko agad na magagalit ang tao sa’kin at madidismaya ko sila. I have this feeling na wherever I go, I won’t be loved nor accepted, and that people around me has projected their mind na I am what she said I am.
I don’t remember doing things to her na makakasakit sa kanya, so why? Bakit niya ginagawa sa’kin ‘to? Anyway, things will be okay, and I am hoping for it. Mabigat lang talaga nararamdaman ko, and writing it down makes me feel at ease.
Whoever reads this, I hope I won’t pass my energy on you, and I hope you feel loved, appreciated, and blessed today. Thank you.

Hi all. Every day I see people saying they struggle with bots and how they just aren’t fun. As a certified bot diver, I know how those missions can turn into absolute disasters in a second. However, there is a loadout that I think is the most flexible and efficient in almost all situations that I think will greatly help you and might even change your mind about playing bots. If not, at least I tried. This is what I take with myself when I just want to win.
A summary first, then some explanations.
Armour: heavy fortified (explosion resistance) Primary: Pummeler SMG Secondary: grenade pistol Grenade: stun
Stratagems: ballistic shield, AMR, rest to taste. I like Eagle airstrike and railcannon.
Armour: go heavy. While mobility is everything against the bugs, positioning is everything against bots. Speed isn’t essential, so pick protection. The Fortified perk gives you explosion resistance which is crucial because trust me, there will be times when it feels like the entire world is blowing up around you. There is also the white heavier medium suit whose name I forget, that one works well too if you find yourself too slow.
Primary: the Pummeler. If you don’t have it, the Defender works well too. They both reliably kill everything except the following: hulks, tanks, scout striders, factory striders. The reason we’re taking the Pummeler instead of the higher DPS Defender is the stagger effect it has. Its time to kill isn’t fantastic but you can lock down groups of enemies by alternating between them, kind of like how you used to with the pre-nerf Slugger. The reason for taking an SMG in the first place is the ballistic shield. More on that later.
Secondary: the grenade pistol. Two reasons: fabricators and close scout striders. We’re not bringing other explosives, so the GP is our factory killer besides any Eagles or orbitals you might take. Its real strength, however, is its ability to one-shot scout striders at ranges too close for the AMR. It’s not always consistent and you might have to hit them another time, but that’s not a problem because you’ll be reloading behind your shield, which the striders cannot penetrate. You can also use it against devastators but probably not much, since it does have limited ammo. Although it is fun arcing a grenade over a heavy dev shield and nailing them in the face.
Grenade: stun. We’re taking this for hulk hunting. I don’t know how long exactly the stun is, but it’s really good. Easily long enough to switch to the AMR, line up a shot, fire, line up another, and fire again. No more hulk. It can also shut down groups of smaller enemies but that’s mostly handled by our primary.
Now for the stratagems.
Ballistic shield: this is the centerpiece of the loadout. Underrated, underutilised, unbelievably good. This thing is bulletproof, literally. It will block everything ranged except explosions and fire. Small arms? No problem. Raider or heavy dev machine guns? Ping right off. Scout strider cannons, tank MGs, even the heavy frontal miniguns on factory striders? Not getting through this bad boy. The best thing about it is that it’s directional, meaning that you can choose which side you want to protect. Just carrying it covers your left, aiming covers your front, and pulling out your support weapon covers your back.
Now I did say it doesn’t work against explosives. This is a downside, but that’s why we’re bringing armour with the fortified perk. I suggest against trying to block rockets and cannons since they can break the shield, but this is unlikely to happen if you use it as intended. It’s also useless against flamethrowers, which is why we’re carrying stun grenades for disabling and hopefully eliminating those hulks that carry them.
What’s great about bringing the shield is that it makes you think about your positioning in a way fighting bugs never does. Against bugs you run and kite, never stopping because if you do, you’re dead. Against bots, this will not work. You will be killed, over and over again. You have to be slower, more methodical. Unlike bugs, bots are easy to outrun, but if they catch you out of cover, especially if they get a flank on you, you’re toast. With the shield, however, you can pick the weaker flank, take a deep breath, and attack them instead of them attacking you. What’s neat about this is that this tactic is viable even without the shield but doing it with it first builds up your skill and especially confidence; it’s a bit daunting at first.
I could ramble on and on about the ballistic shield but I think I’ve gone on long enough already. Let’s move on to the last part of the loadout, which is...
The anti-materiel rifle, or AMR: yes, materiEl. In my opinion, the true Swiss army knife of the automaton front. Some might protest and say the autocannon is it. I disagree, because while the AC is a great weapon, it lacks two things the AMR has: a free backpack slot needed for the shield, and good sights. If I’m not bringing the shield, I do take the AC sometimes. Despite its name, the AMR is perfectly good against personnel too. Since we’re bringing an SMG, we’ll be using the AMR for long-range chaff clear too. It’s also usable, if not ideal, for close range, although the massive recoil makes it challenging for that purpose. Still, if you get cornered with it you can forsake accuracy and just mag dump anything in front of you and chances are it’ll work because despite appearances, this thing has an insane fire rate. It’s not ammo efficient, but it’s better than dying. However, we’ll primarily be using the AMR for precise shots at weak points. It kills all devastators with one shot to the head, scout striders with one or two shots to where the legs attach, and hulks with two shots to the optic. It destroys the factory strider’s miniguns with four-ish shots, kills them outright with one and a half mags to the underside. It downs gunships with four to an engine. It’s useless against tanks unless you can get a shot at the backs of their turrets, but we still have two unused stratagem slots for those.
As for those, nothing else is “mandatory" for this build so pick what you like or what suits the mission. I like the basic Eagle strike because of its utility in killing everything. The railcannon is great for those moments when you see a hulk you want to absolutely, positively just delete in an instant. Precision strike works wonders against tanks, as do the 110mm rockets. 120mm is great for groups and factory striders. 380mm levels big bases and stuff like dropship depots and command bunkers. You get the idea.
So there you have it, IMO the most versatile bot loadout you can bring. As I said, this is my win button for when I’m not interested in experimenting and just want to get the job done. It’s effective and it’s fun. If you’re a bugdiver struggling against the socialist menace or just need something different to mix up your Scorcher & AC life, give it a try. I promise you won’t be disappointed. Any questions, feel free to ask. SES Queen of the Stars, over and out.

Okay so some back story, we met at work6 years ago, she was shy and quiet and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
She already had a kid I knew that and also thought it was absolutely worth it. She did tell me not to worry about the kid which I did think was weird and I told her I was serious so I would not be doing that.
Anyway 3 years we decide that I had a new very well paying job and we both wanted a baby. It took a while but it worked out eventually and I have a beautiful daughter now. My relationship with her son was constantly strained as she just never allowed me to be a role model or a dad to him just constantly blocking activities of just me or him or if I had to do any sort of parenting she would immediately undermine me and coddle him all the time.
Anyway this is where the problems start. The moment she was pregnant she got aggressive and mean. Now I know that can be part of it, women have it rough. But I mean really mean. This is in the UK she was on benefits (this is not to be rude it was her best choice) so her income was real low and I had to do most of the buying etc.
I did everything for her. Took her out bought her things. Showed her affection took her and her son on things that she could never afford and I did treat her really well. I got a bit distant when the abuse was constant, everyday it was something else. Like literally insulting me for how I looked or dressed or a wet towel literally in the hamper, you get the picture it was not nice.
We even got a house which was a joint effort through a housing scheme. I dropped all my savings into that house even levelled the garden (we didn’t even have a finished bathroom) cos she told me she wanted it. I did a lot of it myself. Laid the floors pulled waste (like almost 2t of concrete) out of the garden ground and levelled it almost completely alone.
This is all to say that I did so much for her I truly loved her and to me it didn’t matter she was yelling and shouting everyday cos we were going to make it work. Anyway a year and a 1/2 in the house and it’s almost daily. Shouting screaming. Not all one sided anymore but I had been chipped away that much.
I left. This is my biggest mistake of my life, as she got to do what she wanted. She truly didn’t want me there.
She swears she begged for me to come back or said we should go counselling. I can tell you she did not even message me. Only responding to me or messaging if she wanted something.
I never should of left I loved those 2 kids (I still try to see the son as much as possible - she still tries to interfere) and I see my daughter less than 50% against my will.
I gave her everything, things she never would have had in her life. The house now would still be unfinished if it wasn’t for what I put in.
This is what I need help with. She is almost 31 and she’s got with a 21 year old at work. This is kind of grim to me. I have been asking to come back try for the kids and I love her so much etc etc.
She’s got with someone a decade younger who doesn’t drive has dropped out of college and she says he’s mature but I have met him and he goes out drinking and partying. To me this is a selfish choice as this is not someone who benefits or even cares for the kids.
She’s allowed to be with whoever she wants I get that. And even though I tried my best together and after and I should feel I tried my best but I just feel defeated
A 21 year old she works with. No drive no ambition, (these are facts not attacks on him, I used to work there too. He’s happy to stay minimum wage and does not care to even learn to drive) over me who gave both those kids everything I could and I really did treat her so well truly sucks
She said it’s cos we didn’t have a good connection??? We had a kid together moved in together and then she begged to get a dog with me for the kids even though she hates dogs? To me that makes no sense
The advice now for me is what am I suppose to do? How do I get over her new partner? Again she can do what she wants and yea she says it’s serious and so does he. And what do I do about the son I care a lot but I get a lot of mixed messages about how it should be handled.
Full clarification i unfortunately do still love her. She was the only person I have ever been with emotionally and physically so maybe there’s strong emotions I don’t understand on my end that she doesn’t have? She truly just tossed me away
Sorry final bit I don’t know where to fit it in
We (just me) tried again this year (05 Jan - 6th March) I spent loads of money treating her and the time I got back with the kids. I played with the kids and gave her breaks from them (which is something I did not do well before) but she did not do anything in return emotionally or even try messaging me I had to do everything. Turned out she was messaging this 21 year old for at least a week before that ended.
Thank you for any input

I have ordered a few packages and some of the sellers habe notified me that the package is to be picked up and i know that bc Vinted says at the tracking thing that its "taking a bit longer" and the status says "on the way" but they have been for pock up for a week already??!!! Am i ever gonna get them? The tracking code also doesnt work when i try for my local post where they usually come through so i cant even see where they are... Ive messaged vinted but haven recieved an answer. Wth do i do?

After 2 years, I (M24) broke up with my girlfriend (F22). It was a beautiful and healthy relationship at the beginning, but it changed beyond recognition. Over time, she began to show her toxic, manipulative, and narcissistic nature. The whole world revolved around her, she could never admit her mistakes, and she blamed others for everything. She constantly blamed her parents for her anxieties, saying they didn't listen to her, understand her, or care if she was sad during her childhood. This is not true at all.
To clarify, we lived together in an apartment for about 6 months. The first two months were great, and she helped with household chores and cooking. But after those two months, something broke. When she came home from work, she would lie in bed all day watching TikToks and reality shows. I took care of the entire household—cooking, cleaning, and everything else. The only thing she occasionally did was laundry, and even then, I had to push and beg her to do it. Our sex life suddenly ended, and we didn't have sex for about 2 months. I've always been the type who likes to cuddle and have close contact with my partner. I could only cuddle her when she wanted to; if she didn't, she would just say that she was comfortable and didn't want to be touched.
She was nice only when she needed something; on those days, things were okay with her. But the next day, when she didn't need anything, she was withdrawn and indifferent. I tried to do everything for her, often driving her to and from work, buying her gifts, and getting her whatever she craved. I tried to be her support, but toward the end, she started rejecting it. It's weird because she kept telling me she loved me. About a month ago, she told me she loved me but couldn't fall in love with me. She said the problem was within her and that often, even when I did or said nothing, I annoyed her. This hurt me deeply, and I considered ending it back then.
Meanwhile, she started chatting with her ex-boyfriend, whom she met at a bar while out with her friend. They had a bad breakup, but they supposedly cleared things up and became friends, chatting every day since then. I felt strange and bad about it. Her relationship with me felt like it was out of principle, and she was just using me. She was only nice when she needed something. A week ago, she went on vacation to Turkey with her family, a trip I couldn't attend. We got her passport and everything ready together. On the first day of the vacation, she texted and called me, and I saw she was happy, which made me very happy. But after the first day, she only messaged me once every two days. When she returned from Turkey, I was on a hike with her dad. When I got home, I went to take a nap, and she was at her parents' place. I woke up to her knocking, standing there with three friends. I didn't get a kiss or a hug. She immediately left with her friends to go to a bar. I heard some quiet mocking and smirks but didn't address it. She closed the door, and everything hit me—all the sadness and melancholy of the past months. I felt like crap. I unpacked her suitcase with tears in my eyes, packed my things, and called my dad to come get me. I had a few beers on the hike and didn't want to risk driving. I texted her that I was going home. Her response was that she fully understood.
She had already told me that she was sorry for her behavior but didn't know any other way and that I didn't deserve this. Yesterday, I went back to clarify things and get the rest of my stuff. She told me that during her time in Turkey, she didn't miss me at all and didn't feel the need to text me. She realized then that this wasn't how it should be. We shed a few tears, and she asked if she could cuddle with me one last time, which broke my heart. I felt like crap. She helped me pack my things, and I left. She's probably going to stay with a friend. We were renting this apartment, so we'll just cancel the lease.
On the hike, her dad told me he was very happy that she found a guy like me and that he was sorry for how she was treating me. Even though she's his daughter, he said I didn't deserve this and should pack up and leave. He said she was like her mother and that I didn't want to end up like him. He told her the same thing when she came home—that she shouldn't treat me like trash and should either start acting normal or break up. Her mother told her she hoped she'd find another tyrant who would bully her and make her life hell like all her previous boyfriends.
Sorry for the long text, but I needed to vent and also put my thoughts together in case I need to remind myself why this was the right decision. There are probably many mistakes, so I apologize. English is not my first language, and this is my first experience with Reddit. Thank you for your feedback.

My boyfriends ex turned up at his house to tell him his mum had passed away a month ago and had a conversation about her will and stuff. He then ended the conversation asking for his number which for whatever reason my boyfriend gave it to him.
So I confronted him about it and said I felt uncomfortable with him doing that. He reassured me it wasn’t for him and it was for his aunt kim who he was close with. He has had messages from her which he has told me about.
My problem now is I knew there was something he was hiding. I don’t wanna sound controlling or obsessive but I needed to know for my sake he wasn’t messaging his ex I checked his phone when he left the room and there his name was my heart sank as not only did he say he wouldn’t message him but he would block him if he tried to contact him he was also messaging him back and forth. The context of the conversation was non sexual or flirtatious in nature however it was clear his ex wants to reconnect to a sense.
His ex was sending kisses on the end of some messages sending selfies to him. From the brief conversation I saw my partner didn’t really entertain it although something that concerned me was that they are gonna meet up at some point as I saw a message from his ex saying he cannot wait to see him. I don’t know what to do.
If I confront him he will know I’ve seen his messages but if I pretend non of this is happening what happens if they get together I feel so sick I don’t know what to do as my boyfriend has lied to me about not talking to him and not seeing him when he is makes me believe that there’s something happening I’ve just not long come out of a toxic relationship so I really cannot be bothered with another person who says one thing and then does another.

So I used to use Facebook ads from like 2017-2020 and they were insane, I’d spend £1000 and get like 200 likes on the post, 100 comments of people asking for quotations and tons of messages. £1000 ad spend could have brought in £80k+ revenue EASILY.
Now they’re terrible and I don’t understand why, I haven’t used them in years but i spent £500 over the course of 2 months recently and only got a handful of messages, around 7/8 I’d say, most of them didn’t translate into work.
I’m not sure what’s changed or if my settings are wrong, but hoping people here having some suggestions as it feels like a complete waste of money now

Since I already expect to be beaten by other fans, I will try to express this theory of mine in a very schematic way step by step
A) Apparently, although there are many nuances and even conflicting sources, we can say that the Jedi and the Sith have at their base two different motivations for acting: in theory, and i underline "in theory", Jedi are moved by altruism, by the idea to act for a greater good, are at the service of the community, give great importance to inner serenity, etc The Sith on the other hand, generally and i underline "generally", are driven by the desire to fully experience their emotions and satisfy their personal passions
B) However, this should not automatically lead all Sith to be evil: living following one's emotions and passions is not necessarily bad. Modern psychology would classify this type of behavior as "Dionysian", which is contrasted with the other classical behavior which is "Apollonian". But these two terms are in no way synonymous with good or evil. So why should a path based on emotions and passions, even emotions and passions of a personal nature, necessarily lead to evil ?
C) I'll give you some examples: a revolutionary who fights for freedom is driven by a great passion, the classic avenger of the night is often driven by a personal revenge against evil. A person who dedicates himself to becoming the greatest sportsman in the world or to becoming an excellent artist is dedicating his entire life to a personal passion and probably also has very strong emotional reasons for doing so but this does not necessarily make him a person evil. In short: there are not only negative personal desires and negative personal emotions, such as ambition, anger, etc Imagine if Anakin had simply killed the desert raiders who killed his mother, but without touching the women and children of that tribe. His act, driven by a strong emotion, would have been less negative and fit into the stereotype of the "avenger of the night": who is a dark hero, almost an anti-hero we could say, but certainly not a villain. The "road warrior" or the Punisher or the Gatsu model character from Berserk would fit perfectly into this category

D) I'll give a direct example of a popular character from another saga, who however has several points in common with a very famous Sith. The character I use as an example is Severus Snape from the Harry Potter saga: if we analyze Snape's motivations we can see that everything he does over the course of the seven books is driven by only two motivations, which are love for Lily and the desire to take revenge against Voldemort. Every single action of Snape, however cold he may apparently seem, is driven by these two reasons... which as you will notice are purely emotional in nature. At the beginning, and perhaps even at the end, Snape doesn't care much about the fact that Voldemort also kills Muggles or at least that isn't his main reason for fighting him: he wants to avenge Lily in the name of his Love for her. So Snape fits perfectly into the description of a Sith: he doesn't do what he does for a lofty reason of love for "community" and for an abstract ideal of the common good, he just does what he does because he is moved by emotion and passion. In this I notice a very strong parallel with Palpatine: both characters have a mask of cold and rational man, both are mentally disciplined enough to hide their true motivations and manage to hatch even very complex plans and plots BUT both are in reality driven by unbridled emotions and passions, simply in Snape's case we talk about love and revenge while in Palpatine's case we talk about ambition. Here we can notice another important thing: the Sith are "motivated" by emotions\passions but are not necessarily "dominated" by them. Not 24/7 at least: Palpatine has the galaxy believe he is a calm and rational politician, he has the clarity to make a very elaborate plan... all this despite being "moved/motivated" by ambition
E) So, having seen in the previous point that you can very well create a positive character who is driven by the desire to satisfy personal passions and fully experience your personal emotions, I return to my initial question: why no Sith is a positive character ? Now I don't pretend that all the Sith are Severus Snape but I can't even understand why they are all evil: I think that there could easily be some Sith who fight for a positive ideal... maybe they will fight in a violent and questionable way, maybe they will be similar to those who in Dungeons & Dragons are called "chaotic good", maybe someone will have a politically incorrect attitude like Deadpooll, but they should still exist
Possible Answer 1: the dark side just streams through emotions and the evilness is a Sith fault) I thought a possible answer might be not in the very nature of the light side and the dark side but in the training that the Jedi and Sith receive. In fact, we know that the Jedi are not the only users of the light side just as the Sith are not the only users of the dark side, so perhaps the fact that the Sith are always channeled towards negative emotions and negative passions could be due to the type of people who (by tradition) the Sith choose as students and because of the training they receive. However, if this hypothesis were true, then it would mean that it is not so much the dark side that is evil (at least not necessarily) but the Sith training! This would make a life based on emotion and passion dysfunctional. So there could be characters (who use the dark side and who are not Sith) who have an emotional & passionate but positive attitude. However, no such character comes to mind.

Possible Answer 2 : the dark side is evil but not necessarily streamed/link by emotions and desires) We might assume that the dark side is actually evil and corrupting, however you see it. The connection with emotions would derive from the fact that the Sith tradition has found a way of approaching the dark side in emotions and personal desires. However, if this hypothesis were true, then there would also be other ways of approaching the dark side that are not linked to desires and emotions, there could be users of the dark side who are calm, cold and thoughtful and not at all interested in their emotions : a sort of "monks" of the dark side or "jedi of the dark side" or "vulcans of the dark side". But I can't think of any example of a "dark side tradition" or "dark side order" that doesn't reference the Sith way in some way.

Possible answer 3: the dark side is a just a boogymen because the plot need a villain) We could think that it is a structural problem of the dark side: dark side users must follow their personal emotions and desires but they will necessarily necome evil in doing this. The Jedi suggest many times that the dark side necessarily brings moral corruption, even if it is true that said by the Jedi it is a source a little biased. At this point my question becomes: if the dark side is necessarily evil & necessarily corrupts & necessarily based on emotion and passion, then honestly the very idea of ​​the dark side seems poorly structured to me. Because if this hypothesis were true it would make a strange and unfair comparison between emotionality and evil, between passion and self-destruction... This seems to me not only extremely bad narratively but also false. There are numerous historical examples of people who have saved lives, in some cases even many lives, simply by following their hearts, their emotions and their passions. It is obvious that even a Jedi has an emotionality that leads him to empathize with the evil suffered by other people, however even an emotionality focused on his own passions and deep emotions can be positive: I think for example of a Sith who fights evil not both because he thinks of the good of his community but because evil disgusts him or because he has revenge to carry out against a powerful evil organization. If you allow me another nerdy comparison I would say Gatsu from Berserk: especially at the beginning he is moved by very strong passions and powerful, very violent emotions, but we cannot say that he is the villain of the story because, even if with extremely harsh means, his aim is to eradicate a great evil... He doesn't do it to save the world: he does it for his personal revenge but his aim is still to stratify evil. Why was a Sith or a dark side user never conceived like this?
What do you think about my question ? Please be kind in the comments, thank you :)

Currently have a Redmi note 12. Previously had a pixel 4xl that I loved but it had some issues which consisted of the lock screen and face unlock freezing and the drawer not opening. Besides this the only issue I had was battery life and heating up. The space while low (6/64) didn't bother me too much.
I had to sell that and get this but I'm not happy with it. The specs are too low. I don't care about camera or social media stuff, the only thing I use my phone for is Whatsapp, Manga, YT, Songs or games which I can not do cause my specs are shit.
I was thinking of either getting a cheaper phone with better specs (I doubt I'll find one cheaper than this for better specs) or getting a PTA patched Pixel 4xl again which I think will be cheaper than this. I could probably sell my Redmi for 40K or above since it's in perfect condition, has around 4-6 months of warranty left and has the box and all it's contents (the transparent case the phone came with is yellowed though)
I saw listings for pixel 4xl for anywhere from 32K-38K on Facebook market (never used it)
I was also thinking of getting a non PTA phone which would be considerably cheaper but the hassle of carrying a second phone would be annoying.
Also, could someone tell me what the difference is between PTA patched and Patched approved or are they the same thing. Some people also have their pixels listed as PTA approved and still selling it for under 40K

Hi
I need help, to truble shoot a problem on 2 redhat 9 servers.
server1 is a rundeck server, that i use to schedule jobs towards diffrent servers, as a poc. Curently its doing some api calls to server 2, that is a gitlab server.
it uses both a ssh connecton for running a few commands, and a python api script.
Both thing work, but if i schedule it to run every 5 minutes it will stop working after 8 runs. Samething happens if it runs every hour, or every 30 minutes.
I tried to disable selinux on both servers, same problem i disabled the firewall samething happens. When it happens, i cant even use netcat so test if a port is open, or openssl to check the api

openssl s_client -connect server2:443 

how ever running this command from any other server works just fine. I cant ssh from server1 to server2, but i can ssh from any other machine to server1 and 2 just fine.
i cant find any errors in any logs, and the only way to make it work again for a short while is rebooting the server1.
any idea what im missing or how to move forward? Network says everything is open between them, and they see the package gets acknowledge and that is all they see.

Last night I realized I got every single SP I chased to turn around and ask me to meet them. This should be proof that ALL of your desires actually want you.
Chasing means you believe they don’t want you. You can initate conversations that’s fine but you need to come from a place of self worth.
We are talking about 5 different SPs here. And most of it was actually unconscious cause I didn’t realize the law but it was working.
Sp 1 (a girl) had me blocked on all platforms. Definitely the most hopeless circumstances I’ve been in. Refused to speak to me when I saw her in person and walked away. Lol it was BAD. But after one year of trying to reconcile I was like she will eventually want to talk to me. Then 2 months later this same person who kept ghosting me in person was waving at me when I saw her from a distance lmao. But this was unconscious. So I didn’t really try to reach out to her for years and then when I did we became extremely close just the way I wanted. Just the way I craved. She asked to meet me. Not to mention I maintained a belief that she was into girls for years despite her denying it and she eventually came out lol.
Sp 2: I chased and begged him to meet me and he kept refusing. I called him and begged for months lol. And then I was like fuck that. He will regret and then not too long after he was texting me again. And then kept asking me to meet him . I kid you not 6 years later this man is still asking me to meet him.
SP 3: : (a boy) I spent hours and hours day dreaming about us making out and having sex. But my god my self concept was on the floor at this point. He rejected me. I got into self love mode and started thinking he is not all that and bro was complimenting me and hinting how he wanted to make out and things. Again this was unconscious and therefore it took years to materialise cause i didn’t maintain assumptions. But we eventually did do EVERYTHING I day dreamt about. This is also the guy that said “I will never ask you out” and then two months into FWB he was hella nervous trying to ask me out and he did. And we dated. The relationship ended cause of my fears and doubts and that got me into conscious manifesting. I initially chased him and tried to manifest him. Stopped moved on. I eventually got back into manifesting him. All I did was convince myself and change my assumptions. Got him to chase me, ask to meet me and text me everyday just like I had craved for after the break up.
Sp 4: I did every manifesting technique in the book to get him to change his mind. All I had to do was change my mind. I started thinking “his loss” and then just weeks later he started saying he was thinking about me at 2 am. “Tables have turned” and asked me to meet him. (I also got rid of his 3p in 2 weeks)
Sp 5: my current SP. I asked him to meet him twice and realized nah he is gonna ask next. Then I kept thinking oh I know you want to walk around York with me in the summer. He literally word for word said he wants to walk around York with me in the summer.
Literally just tell yourself they want you, and they want what you want. Don’t think against it. Don’t question it. Accept it as true. It won’t take that long to show up in the 3D.

I have already made short post that I finished series finale. I stiil feel sad, depressed and that feeling when tv show ended.... unbelievable how "The Shield" is stuck with me. Can't believe this journey is over.
I wanted to say so many things. Firstly, how can I miss this? I was too young when it came out, but I hear about "The Wire" everywhere even now. "The shield" feels like out of the radar all the time. WE MUST DO SOMETHING WITH IT! Please, just watch "The Shield"!
My friend told me to watch it and he stumbled upon this Tv show in one cool review that was left by some user (girl , actually) on my native language site about movies/tvshows.
When I look at some photos and pictures of "The Shield" I have thoughts that it is like CSI or some other typical cop show with nothing more. How wrong was I with such first impression.
What I really like that "The shield" has blu-ray release. So cool tv show is reinnovate for high quality format and has a lot of bonus features on blu-ray.
My friend also told me that I need to watch especially until Season 5 where it will be so high level quality writing that I gonna really appreaciate "The Shield".
As for myself, I fond of cinema. I just not go easy on any movies/tvshows. I am very nit-picking because I like to learn about cinematography, screenwriting, directing and so on. For me movies like the greatest art and I study movies as an art. That's why I feel bored about modern movies and TV shows. Screenplays are not bold, not so complex, characters feel flat and creators afraid to insult other races, woman right and so on. Many movies and TV shows of modern era feel convinient. I am tired of that. And I started to watch "The Shield" six months ago.
"The Shield" was aired in the right time! Year 2002 like "The Wire". From the pilot episode "The Shield" don't try to be convinient, it shows you what Vic and his team doing, what "The barn" doing everyday. Everything around characters feels not-convinient: drug-addicted, child trafficking, other awful staff around. Characters not just saint and clean, they do what they have to do like it or not as a viewer. That's what I wished for a long time. "The Shield" just clicked with me. I can't even imagine TVshow about cops can be on such level with great cast, great characters, really good screenwriting, directing and editing.
Before "The Shield" I can't tolerate semi-documentary cinematography and "hand-held" effect of camera in movies. In "The Shield" I fall in love with such camerawork and editing. That's really what I can't imagine I would love in cinemas. In this Tv show every take is so close, editiing beetwen close-mid plan camera panning and it feels so great in terms of "The Shield" storytellling. You are always near characters, you like breathing just around their shoulders and see every bad side of Farmington so close that you feel how disgusting this district is. Incredible work from cinematographers and editors.
Dynamic feeling of everything that happens on the screen. The greatest part of "The Shield" it is never trying to dragging some melodrama to extend seasons or try to be sentimental in the scenes. Modern TVshows really like that and i don't. Don't need to play with the viewer. In "The Shield" everything happenes so fast, so realistic that sometimes you can't even catch a breath. Not a single dull episode. In every episode something cool will definetely happens and it keeps you attached to the screen. And I don't mean that "The Shield" hasn't some melancholic or not-fast pacing moment. On the opposite, "The Shield" has everything what makes cinema alive and fascinating.
Let me explain what I really like about "The Shield" and I have never experience such different emotions just in one piece of the cinema:
In "The Shield" you can feel like a kid again and rooting for cool-masculine guys who breaks door and shout: "Police! On the ground!". After some episodes I really wanna just play in cops and criminals on my yard with friends. That's how action feels in this Tv show. I wanna buy merch with "Strike Team" on it and snake eating rat logo. Incredible.
In "The Shield" as an adult you can feel totally devastated by events that just happened on the screen. You can feel pure emotions from character actions. And what most important you don't want to judge character right away you want to put yourself in his shoes because what character did feels so realistic. Characters here not some fancy cards, you can feel them like real human beings.
In "The Shield" you can laugh as an adult. Humor in some scenes and from some characters really spot on and not stupid. It is full drama but some episodes has great humor parts. And again it feels so real and natural like human beings in real life would joke about something. Bilings sutuations and lines from later seasons are just pure gold.
In "The Shield" you want to discuss some parts of the story. It feels like after reading a good complex books with interesting characters you start to think about their actions and how you can think about your actions in the real life. What it is like to be a coward? To be hypocrite? What about loayalty and friendship? Trust me not so many movies/TVshows can be so full-thinking. It's a miracle that such depth can be in cop TV show. I stiil can't imagine how believable characters are and situations in "The Shield". Script and story of all seasons and how characters arcs redeemed is golden!
So I trying to say "The Shield" can feel like popcorn-blockbuster cop show in some parts with overacting but sometimes it's pure complex drama with silence scenes and great acting and very realistic characters. It's the best mixture of movie formula that I have seen in my life! I stiil can't imagine that I saying such words in terms of cop TV show.
"The Shield" was ahead of its time. It is a real piece of art. In modern days I want to see Tv show with overacting (when it need to be done), cool action and the same time it can provide me with great drama sequences and believable characters.
[SPOILER] section below. Please read only if you watched the series.
What I also like about "The Shield" it has great leading character. Michael Chiklis was born for this role. Maybe in first seasons you can think he overacting sometimes and can't be so dramatic but in the late seasons Michael have shown one of the best acting scenes in cinema. Pure mastery. This 42 second silence in front of Olivia was something unique and incredible. Then final eyes scene with Cloudette and finale running eyes scene in the ending of season 7 when he sits alone.
Vic is so well written in every season. He is the anchor of the show. So charismatic, strategy wise, musculine and cool and what I like the most this character feels real. When Vic came alone in gang territory and didn't fear anything you believe in that. You understand as a viewer that not anybody in "the barn" have balls for things that Mackey can do. He uses "shortcuts" in police work that only he can manage. He has really metal backbone. Even when he mentally broke at the end of the 1st season he needs just a couple of minutes to grab his shit together and go further. Character has a great amount of willpower and dedication to do anything that he wanted to.
Vic is the greatest anti hero in cinema history. Many side characters hate him but when there is a problem that no one can resolve Mackey step up. Farmington is so dirty that it needs people dirty as Vic to clean it.
I actually always rooted for Vic as a viewer because nobody in "The Shield" is black and white. Even Claudette free Kleavon from death penalty to keep her warm place. And I like that "The Shield" shows every character is corrupt somehow.
But I can't believe that Vic betrayed Ronnie. It hits hard. After that I as a viewer understood Cloudette words: "Vic is trying to be someone he wants you to see him". We viewers see Vic true nature in the final episode and it hits hard too. He always was like that and we didn't want to accept. And some part of me like him but other part can't forgive him for what he did to others. Such a great character downfall through all seasons. And this shot when he smiled to his gun and go somewhere. Where did he go? He can't sit tight he always need to be "living on the edge" this his type of character.
I wanna write about other characters. Shane for sure. But Post is too big. I leave it for later.
10/10. I am empty and depressed that "The Shield" journey ended for me. Can't believe that many people don't know about this masterpiece. I am glad I stumbled upon it. It touched my strings for cinema love that not any movie or tv show touching in years.
So many emotions and thoughts. Thanks to Shawn Ryan, Michael Chiklis, Walton Goggins and every other member of "The Shield" crew and FX. I wish I had a chance to tell it to them personally. I am grown man but I feel emotions like a kid again. Pure emotions from "The Shield" story.
To sum up my words. I like this ending montage of Season 2. It has great editing and you feel emotions. I literally cried when I rewatched it after the final. Vic the only one who is laughing but others feel mix emotions. Gives shivers to my spine.
The Shield - Overcome Season 2 Ending (youtube.com)

TW: discussion of ED Please note that this is my own (rambly) personal experience; I’m putting it out there in hopes it resonates with others. I am also not discussing any specifics of my ED.
Lately, I’ve become aware of the impact my Mothers shaming has had on my development. I (F19) recently started seeing someone, and they met my Mother. I’ve seen people in the past, but this is the first time that I genuinely feel there is good potential, and they were the one to ask to meet my Mother which I happily obliged too. At various intervals throughout their dialogue, my Mother put me down. It was nothing serious, but little comments; for example she had just come back from the supermarket and started unpacking. As she unpacked, she made comments along the lines of me eating most of it, and just generally being unhealthy. Now, the guy I’m seeing appeared unfazed by all this (which makes sense because why would he care about the exact foods I am eating) but I was deeply uncomfortable. I am now recovered but have a history of insecurity regarding food and body image, culminating in about 2 years of ana. This dialogue got me thinking about my Mothers propensity for putting me down around others.
Another recent example not related to body image is I’m interested in solo travelling, albeit just in the research stage. My Mother brings this up to most new people we meet in a negative light, even when it is completely irrelevant to the topics at stake.
This same kind of propensity occurred throughout when I had ana. She would brag to family members about her current diet, slim shakes, whatever she was taking, and within moments comment on the meal plan I was on in an attempt to recover.
When I had ana, other people’s perception of me was the worst part. I didn’t want to be perceived as skinnier, so much so I would wear baggy clothing and avoid situations such as sport where more revealing clothing would be required. I didn’t want people to be concerned; I was deeply insecure about taking up space in general. I believe she was frustrated with this; and drew attention to my issues in hopes that would make me get over them.
Thinking about this stuff made me go back further. To when little me, initially oblivious to my appearance, started covering up. And I thought about why that was. And I remember that my entire life, around strangers, she was always commenting something. When I was a kid and she’d joke about my arms being chubby. So I started wearing bomber jackets, even during summer, to cover up. I believe she was the biggest cause of my ED.
For as long as I can remember, when I am around strangers, or I am introducing my mother to new friends, she makes comments like this. Not just related to food, but generally small comments aimed at diminishing my presence. But, I notice that around old friends she doesn’t feel the need to act out in this way.
What all these things have in common is they are not so individually significant as to be abusive, but when they pile up they are exhausting. As a result, I was painfully shy as a kid in fear of being judged. For a long time I lived with so much internalised hatred of myself.
Looking at the big picture; it’s because of this behaviour I don’t unhealthily crave external validation. Unlike other friends whose parents brag about them and I notice fish for complements, I don’t feel the need to draw attention to myself in an excessive way. I am able to hold myself accountable and go after realistic goals. If I’m sick of tired I continue working hard (for better or worse). In the long run, I think it’s instilled me with resilience and a level headed outlook.
But I still struggle with introducing her to new people because of this. I’m aware that most people aren’t aware of my insecurities, and likely don’t pay attention to her comments. I also know that anyone truely right for me will see me well enough to know these comments are not a reflection of who I am.
I have this self awareness, but it doesn’t change that in the moment, her behaviour is exhausting. When I have confronted her about this in the past respectfully, I’ve been met with gaslighting and a complete lack of accountability on her part.
I apologise for the ranty nature of this all. In many ways saying it openly is therapeutic. I hope that if you’re in a similar situation you understand their behaviour is not a reflection of who you are; and those that care about you know that.

TW for mention of critical illness, hospitals, parental strife
This story spans over a few years so I'm sure I'll have to edit this to clarify.
When I was 17 years old I got diagnosed with a thing in my brain* through an MRI.
^\The shorthand is "AVM" for arteriovenous malformation, a tangle of blood vessels that irregularly connects arteries and veins. In the brain, it can cause brain bleeds which affect cognitive and motor function and can also result in death. The way i explain it is that you've got the blood pressure and flood of an artery going into a deformed clump of capillaires and veins with thin walls, deforming them further. The risk of rupture increases every year. Idk if it sounds scary enough like that, but it's like a ticking time bomb.)
I got gamma radiation shortly after, which is only relevant because they use a metal frame with metal spikes they drill against your skull so you can’t move your head during radiation. I chose this method of treatment because it was supposed to be quick and painless with no general anaesthesia but it turned out that the treatment experience was completely traumatising and I’m still living with a clinical PTSD diagnosis following that.
This mode of treatment aims at calcifying the inside of the veins in a specific zone and the gradual closing of vulnerable veins can take from 6 m to 3y.
I have siblings and we’ve all always been afraid of our dad. He was always extremely authoritative and we were very well behaved because of that. He got angry very easily, and the smallest thing would send him storming off screaming and breaking things, preceded by silent treatment (which was somehow the scariest all). He’d punish us extremely strictly, and would often drive up to 40km/h over the speed limit to scare or punish us, the reasoning was something like « if we all die it’s your fault because we made me angry).
All this to say my relationship with my father has always been extremely vertical and our relationship never grew into something like equal footing and I always got extremely nervous and scared whenever I was about to meet with him.
This being said, there is no amount of words I can use to describe the depth of my love for him. He drove us around without a protest for hours and hours and hours, gave us a beautiful luxurious life and never missed any of our important dates. Birthdays and chistmases were an avalanches of gifts and we were completely spoiled. He was extremely involved and I know he loves me so much. I’ve stopped speaking to him a few years ago but it truly breaks my heart because I love him so much and I miss the smell of his aftershave and I know he misses me very much too.
When the MRI result came back, my dad was there. He was the one who walked up to me and said « everything is fine, there is just a *little* thing.
I’m sure this was hard for him because his mom died of cancer when he was 28, but he never mentioned it in relation to my illness.
Pretty quickly, my dad stopped me whenever I mentioned illness and made sure I amended any mention of the experience by adding a sweetened positive twist at the end like « I’m glad I learned so much » or « but I grew so much from the experience ».
Gradually and too seamlessly for me to really notice, he decided I was « cured » and would no longer tolerate any mention of illness. He’s get impatient, tell me off, and even genuinely angry when I did. He’d say « you’re cured now » and « idk why you keep talking about this, it’s in the past now, you need to move on and live life ». Important note here : he is not a doctor, just a regular dad in the world with zero medical knowledge.
I don’t know if it was his own version of « manifesting » healing for me or a symptom of his fear. I wonder if he misunderstood the neurologist saying it could take up to three years to see if the treatment was effective. Before the 3 year mark, with no tests and MRIS to back it, he’s managed to completely convince himself and the rest of the family that I was cured and only still talking about it for attention. He even invented a pseudo-psychological term he dubbed the « syndrome of the sick child » to belittle my fear and worry and terror and loneliness, which if I understand his concept correctly meant I was clinging to an expired diagnosis in order to be babied and gat my parents attention. IDK maybe this can give you insight into his personality, how convincing he could be.
And it was just a really lonely experience for me. All of the « why are you still talking about this you ‘re cured and you need to move on now », while still trying to cope with so much fear of dying at all times, without having anywhere to talk about it. I wonder if the lack of parental support I experienced thought such a traumatising experience as a teenager and then as a young adult was what contributed to transform the trauma into clinical PTSD (diagnosed).
Eventually, I got my 3-year mark MRI. The radiologist was my dad’s BIL and he called my dad and gave him the result directly instead of contacting me directly. I was a legal adult and ab. 22 by then. My dad then called me on the phone, I remember the conversation so clearly, he said I was cured and I proceeded to call my mom and grandparents and best friend to share the news.
yay now you can move on. When he got home he popped a bottle of champagne open in celebration.
This was so tough because something didn’t quite sit right with me. Because of growing up hypervigilent I’m usually good at telling when someone is lying and twisitng the truth.
He seemed off on the phone, and in person, and I couldn’t tell if it wasn’t just that I couldn’t imagine life ebbing cured.
A few days later the BIL called me and said there was a lil persisting on the MRI. I wonder if I’d been brainwashed by my dad already by the time BIL called because when I asked dad if there was anything he didn’t tell me, he said « well you can’t expect to be 100% cured with things like this », and « 99% cured is the same as 100% » and other things of the sort. It was like he’d twisted the results in favour of his opinion.
By that time, I was stuck and really confused, and everyone was already convinced I was cured. And it got really hard for me to know what to do and where to turn because I was till so young and the hospital system was so confusing.
It took two years for me to decide to get a second opinion. Someone else looked at the MRI and said there was still something left, but since I’d heard my dad assure me it meant I was cured, it took considerable effort for me to reach out to my service in the hospital again for an appointment with the specialist I’d seen back when I was 17. This alone was extremely challenging because no one took be seriously, and I had to call the secretary office on a daily basis for a couple weeks to ask what I should do to get a confirmation I was cured. I’m quite headstrong and I wanted to hear from the specialist directly that I was cured do as to have no doubts at all. Throughout this, dad tried to discourage me and then eventually accepted it might be the only way for me to move on.
The MRI happened and I sat in the neurosurgeons office at the hospital of my nightmares asking if my results were conducive with full recovery. He confirmed there was something left, and then that the aim of treatment is to be completely cured. That the malformation should not be visible on an MRI once it was cured. He added that the risk of rupture increased each year. I soon had another more intrusive san done and it confirmed there was a little left, which meant I needed to get another round of Gamma radiation.
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
The second round of treatment was just as traumatising as I’d remembered the first round to be.
I don’t know what to do with how angry I am with my dad. He lied to me and invited all of us to live in a fiction of his making, thus endangering me. Every insistence I’d been cured and needed to move on when I wasn’t, and in fact the risk of me having an aneyrism was growing with every day.
The worst is that he never apologised. He instantly switched up his story and started pretending he’d never said I was cured. He created a whole new fiction where « he’d always insisted I’d get a more thorough MRI checkup ». It’s so unfair. How he can’t embrace a world where he’s wronged me, and not because it destroyed me but because he can’t be wrong. He has to be perfect. How unfair.
I most likely wouldn’t have mede it past the age of fifty if I’d believed of indeed obeyed him.
I used to check my memories again to make sure I hadn’t made it up, and eventually I accepted I’d never get an apology. And that I was wronged and I didn’t deserve that. And that I should’ve gotten the support I needed.
I’m cured now, I sat in another doctors office a year ago and he said my MRI came back normal and the AVM was no longer on the scan. I’m really proud I was so headstrong.
And eventually I decided to take distance from my dad, and life improved when I stopped talking to him. I know it hurts him, and that he’s extremely angry. He expresses this to my siblings, and I know they get punished in my stead and I feel so guilty. But I can’t be around my dad, I’m too angry. I’m trying to live with the love I have for him in my heart, with my childhood memories and the guilt and missing him and then more guilt for being happier now that I don’t have to talk to him and listen to his tirades. And I worry for my siblings who still talk to him, because he doesn’t treat them kindly and they deserve so much love and admiration and support, which he’d never give them.
I used to want to press charges and I wonder if he shouldn’t be in prison for what he did but he’s a vicious man and he’s go to much money and friends in high places that I couldn’t take him on. And things would get ugly, I know. I just wish he could pay for what he did.
I’ll update later for typos and clarifications :)

I’ve been feeling more and more frustrated about it as I feel like I’m constantly at his beck and call. We had an argument about it a few days ago via msg and spoke about it again today.
I suppose it’s because of the nature of the dynamic but it will always be unbalanced.
For my context specifically MM has a flexible office job and I’m currently at college. How we see each other has changed but as of recent, on days he goes to the office he will leave early and come and see me. We have one day a week where we get to spend the whole day together but he has to still work and take calls throughout. On days he’s WFH, I specifically aligned my schedule so I had college on those days and would go see him either in the morning or during break (I would try to leave as early/late as possible). On the weekends he can maybe see me a couple hours for one day, the other day is not an option.
I tried to explain how I felt, I know he tries to see me as much as possible, but I can’t help but feel like I just follow everything he says. Everything is according to when he’s free, he will say when he can come and when he can leave. His argument was that he never forced me to do anything and he will always try to ask for my input about where we go and that he never demands me to meet right at a specific time. But I honestly don’t understand what he didn’t get - I made it clear that yes I am doing everything cuz I want to (I’m not being forced), but if I don’t see him at this specific window he is free I won’t see him at all for that day.
I just want to know if I’m going crazy lol. I tried to be fair and say I’m not 100% right, that it’s just my perspective and I’m sure he has a different view. At the end of the day I understand that to be honest I did this to myself by choosing this path, but it makes me want out. I guess I understand that things can’t change because it’s the dynamic but a little understanding that some of the sacrifices I make would be appreciated.
Just looking for any advice or opinions, if I’m in the wrong etc. Thank you

For most of my life I’ve been a negative thinker. Meaning I envision & predictive worry that things are not going to work out for me. For example, in a few weeks I’m moving cross country and I’m completely stressed out. A friend of mine is supposed to drive my car because I can’t do it because of arthritis and back pain. But of course after three weeks nothing has been firmed up. She keeps saying she’s going to call me but never does. I’m just assuming she’s not gonna do it. Also, when I move to my new state I’m going to live with my cousin and her husband. I’m already thinking about how it’s not going to work out. She did offer a place for me to stay for a year while I get on my feet. Part of me thinks she is not happy about it though. I don’t know if this is just my anxiety going crazy or just stinkin’ thinkin’. It is driving me nuts though and keeping me awake at night! Does anyone else feel this way? How do I get rid of these feelings and just fucking relax? I can’t predict the future so why can’t I just chill out and think more positively? Ugh!

“We’re a meat family,” my dad would proudly tell strangers. He’d wait for the quizzical look, then launch into detail, starting with how many freezers we had, how long we could sustain ourselves on the contents. It was just his way of starting a conversation, which made sense when you considered that raising and home-killing animals for food was, for want of a better term, his life-long hobby. His prize possession was one of those industrial-sized vacuum sealers: you could put half a pig inside and wrap it in plastic so tightly that every wrinkle and skin fold waxed unreal with shiny detail.
If we hadn’t lived in a rural area, albeit semi-urbanised, I guess it would have been pretty weird. But the mostly farming-stock locals only found his extra enthusiasm a little bit odd.
When he wasn’t being a bit embarrassing talking about it, I never really paid much heed to his hobby. I had a child’s vaguely grateful awareness that though our family went through some lean financial times, our stomachs never suffered like some of the families around us. All the beef, pork, ham and bacon in those big old chest freezers passed down from his dad really could have fed us for years.
I should preface all this by saying that I wasn’t a particularly bright kid, though neither was I dumb. I didn’t fail badly at anything in school, I just never achieved beyond a pass. I didn’t know it yet back then, still quietly dreaming about being a ballet star or a dressage champion, but mediocrity was my destiny. And I think that’s why I got on so well with my Aunt Liz.
Liz was my dad’s live-in youngest sister. She was one of those women who get described as ‘bubbly’ — not really pretty, not really smart, not a lot going on besides just being… well, all Liz. But she was salt of the earth; kind, caring, and great with kids. She was the only person who would willingly mind my two older brothers, who fought like hellcats and caused more trouble than the whole last generation of my family combined. People would privately lament to my parents that it was a shame Liz didn’t have kids of her own, but dad would just shake his head and say Liz liked it that way – that all the fun of looking after kids is being able to give them back to their parents.
I guess she was like me; nice, but mediocre. Lovely, but somehow forgettable when she wasn’t doing something for you.
But when Liz left us, I couldn’t forget her.
In hindsight, it was pretty weird timing that we had a big fortieth birthday party for Liz right before she disappeared. She was radiant that night; she’d hired a local girl to do her hair and makeup, and it was honestly the first time I’d ever seen her look pretty. She’d even worn a push-up bra under a tight red dress, which flattered her very plump curves well enough that the neighbour’s farmhand was spotted disappearing into the woolshed with her for a snog. In my dawning awareness, that gave a plain girl hope: if Aunty Liz could get a guy at forty, maybe things would turn out okay for me.
Anyway, I couldn’t forget how her pink cheeks, her eyes, her whole self, glowed that night before Liz went to bed. She said it was the best birthday ever, and that she was very much looking forward to the next stage of her life.
Would I have done anything different, if I had known? If I had realised what, exactly, that next stage was?
The week after the party, Aunt Liz said she was going on a little holiday up north, to visit some old school friends. She packed her things – she didn’t honestly have that many – and drove her little orange mini out onto the main road. And with a wave of one fleshy hand, she was gone. Nobody really thought much of it when she didn’t call, because nobody rural had cellphones back then. And Liz was, as I said, somehow kinda forgettable when she wasn’t right in front of you.
When we hadn’t had contact for six weeks, Dad tracked down the land line numbers for their old school buddies. They were surprised to hear from him — Liz had never arrived, so they had just assumed she’d cancelled her visit. No-one had thought to check. I eavesdropped on the conversation, and it sounded for all the world like *they* had forgotten about Aunt Liz, too.
From there it became a missing person case. The local cops came and talked to all of us; the farmhand who’d been seen snogging her was briefly detained, then let go, dad got grilled at length, even my hellion brothers were questioned thoroughly to see if this was one of their wild and dangerous pranks gone wrong.
But everything was a dead end. Nobody knew where Liz was, or what had happened to her.
The remains of her old mini were found halfway across the country, burned out on a beach, on a derelict stretch of ragged, rocky coastline. The police assumed murder and combed the area for remains. But even the most expert divers couldn’t conquer the incredible undertow and fast-shifting seabed of that coastline to look for evidence, so none was forthcoming.
Eventually the cops collectively shrugged and said that there was really nothing more they could do unless more information suddenly came to light. The locals knew nothing, no witnesses had come forward, and the trail was cold. As far as anyone knew, poor aunt Liz had been murdered on some desolate beach, far away from her home.
It didn’t feel fair to me. She’d once mentioned wanting her remains buried on our farm, in the graveyard plot beside grandma and grandad.
So, in my grief, I went into her room to look for something of hers to bury beside them.
Like I said, Liz didn’t have many things. Her room was pretty spartan, and her wardrobe was mostly sensible farm stuff. There was one exception: she, like me, did like to read, and she had a pretty good collection of well-thumbed books. I think it’s the escapism – even the most mediocre girl can lose herself in the plot of some trashy romance novel, imagine there’s still hope of being swept off her feet by that handsome stableboy, his inexplicable yearning for chubby plain girls.
So I set myself the task of going through the books, to find the right one to bury in the graveyard plot.
Most of them were exactly what you’d expect, but some of them were racier than I was used to. I felt various parts of my body flushing and tingling, as I read breathless prose about calloused hands touching the softest flesh of the protagonist. Okay, if I’m honest with myself, I might have got a little *too* invested in my project at that point. But that was also why I persisted going through her entire collection, until I found the ragged paperback from 1970, entitled Tawny Sands. And inside that trashy cardboard romance cover, I discovered not the tale of Tawny Sands, but some carefully hand-cut, stitched-in pages. A handwritten story in my Aunt’s rounded penmanship: Memoirs of a Long Pig.
I read her story twice in a row, utterly gripped.
Aunt Liz was no Stephen King – heck, she wasn’t even the Goosebumps guy – but her story was gripping and compelling, and I couldn’t put it down. Even if I hadn’t known her, I think that would have been true.
The gist of it was that Liz, when she was sixteen, had discovered that our family had a very long history of eating what she described as ‘Long Pork’. It’s an antipodean term, anglicised from the Pacific Islands: human meat.
Like me, young Liz still had some hopes and dreams. In one of her many failed attempts to find a special talent, she’d taken up cooking as a hobby. Naturally, with our family’s overabundance of meat, she’d scoured the freezers in the shed for ingredients: the racks of ribs and stacks of pork chops, butcher-paper wrappings all neatly labelled with the first letter of the name of the animal they came from.
She found familiar meat from Rodney, one of the pigs that had been recently slaughtered, emblazoned with an ‘R’ in her father’s strong, blocky lettering. There were cutlets labelled ‘M’ for Mary, from one of the lambs she’d hand-reared, and ‘F’ for Ferdinand, the steer they’d killed the month before. But she couldn’t explain the many, many curious parcels of meat on one side of the huge freezer, all labelled ‘J’ – at least, not until she took it all out and assembled it as well as she could on the scoured concrete floor of the killing shed. A big, frozen jigsaw puzzle without the box, her best attempt to discover what kind of beast the pieces had come from.
The animal, she quickly realised, was a Long Pig. Her own Aunt Jenny, who had died the month before – just after her fortieth birthday.
Fortunately, or perhaps not, for Liz, her father entered the shed right at that moment and realised his daughter had discovered the family secret. He sat down calmly on the lid of the freezer, and explained to her that this was a long-running family tradition, dating back to at least before his grandfather had been born.
“There are always people in life, Liz,” he’d said, “who won’t really amount to much. They want to be useful, want to be more. They strive and they strive, trying job after job, hobby after hobby, trying to hit on something they’re really good at. Something that makes them special. Those people can waste their whole lives, chasing dreams that never come true. Eventually they die unfulfilled, knowing that all their time has been wasted. That what they leave behind will fade quickly.”
His voice was oddly gentle as he leaned down and patted one of the neatly wrapped cuts of Aunt Jenny, still sitting frozen on the shed floor.
“Your Aunt Jenny was one of those people. So was my Aunt Irene.” He paused to gaze at his daughter, his next words peppered with emphasis. “But you see, my sweet Liz, they did find a purpose in life. They did find a way to be special, and they left this world utterly certain of their gift.” He stood up, stretched his back. “Let me show you.”
Liz waited while my grandad meticulously stacked the meat back into the freezer, all but one J-marked parcel that looked for all the world like a thick venison steak. He took her back to the farmhouse, and reverently unwrapped the deep red, heavily marbled meat to let it thaw. Then he laid it in the family’s ancient, cast-iron pan, basting it with butter and rosemary until a heavenly scent filled the kitchen, and Aunt Liz couldn’t stop her mouth from watering.
“Just try it. Let her show you. You’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.”
Even though she knew it was her aunt, Liz couldn’t stop herself from taking that first bite. There was something transcendent about the smell, overriding her natural revulsion that this was human meat, not one of their farm animals. For the first time, she truly realised it: we’re just another kind of animal. And weren’t her memories of Mary the lamb almost as fond as her memories of Aunt Jenny?
Liz explained then, in her curly handwriting, the explosion of taste that had assaulted her when she tried the steak. It was tender, it was succulent, it was rich beyond imagining. The fats melted on her tongue, lingering somewhere between pork and beef, but oddly neither. The flavour of the meat defied identification; something familiar, yet not.
But one thing she couldn’t deny; it was the most delicious thing she had ever eaten. Tears dripped onto her plate, mingled with the juice, the grease — not grief, but a pure, real, giddy delight.
“You’re tasting your aunt’s love for this family,” my grandad explained. “Her entire life was carefully curated, to eventually make unforgettable moments for us, just like this. This was her way of being special. This was the greatest gift she could possibly bring to our world – and because she realised that, she died with not a single regret. She knew her life had purpose. She was perfectly, completely fulfilled.”
I felt those words. I felt them lodge in my own belly, settling uncomfortably deep. I knew Aunt Liz, probably better than anyone else in the family. I’d seen how fucking happy she’d been on her fortieth, how goddamn fulfilled she was, despite apparently being a *nobody* and achieving *nothing*. Somehow, in the space of a single day, she had gone from being a forgettable background character to becoming the *main character*, immortalising herself in our family’s history with her sacrifice. Quite literally becoming part of all of us, forever.
I went to the killing shed after I finished with the book. I looked inside the freezers.
But there were no vacuum-sealed packages labelled ‘L’, no matter how deep I dug into the frozen stacks of plastic-wrapped flesh. Panicked now, not sure if I wanted to connect all the dots or unconnect them, I tried to think back over the last few months, recall any meals that had been unusually good. A few Sundays ago, we’d had a stew that really hit the spot and left me craving more. And I realised that the family had a really good night that night; my brothers behaved themselves, my parents didn’t fight, and grandma and grandad had been there. Hadn’t they looked far more… expectant than they should have?
I strained my brain, trying to recall if I’d seen the homekill bag on the kitchen bench – if I’d registered what letter it was. I knew it wasn’t an L. I would have remembered if it was an L.
And then it hit me, the memory, the connection, sizzling as if branded with a hot iron.
It had been an ‘E’.
E for Elizabeth. Not for Edward the pig.
I snorted at my own stupidity – of *course* Liz was short for Elizabeth – and as I comprehended my lack of smarts, I felt something give inside me.
I wasn’t clever, and nothing, nothing would ever make me smart. I had no big talents. I wasn’t beautiful, or even cute – and even if I had a million plastic surgeries, it still wouldn’t fulfill me. It wouldn’t be real.
I was a Liz.
I was a Jenny.
I was whoever the first aunt had been, the aunt who had dedicated her life to making her flesh as delicious as possible, who had worked every damn minute to be the best Long Pig she could ever be.
I wondered how many magical family evenings had been spent eating Aunt Jenny. How many glorious, satisfying, memorable dishes had been made out of her.
And… I wanted that. I wanted to finally know I had a *purpose* in life. One so simple, and so easy to achieve.
I wanted what Aunt Liz had.
***
It's my fortieth birthday today and I’m so fucking excited. For the last twenty-four years, I’ve dedicated myself to this moment; I’ve eaten exactly what I needed to, I’ve exercised just enough, but not too much, to maintain that perfect balance of marbling vs tenderness. I’ve relaxed and meditated to keep all those amazing flavours inside of me. I’ve researched all the greatest meats in the world, from prime Angus beef to A5 Wagyu. I really think I may have outdone myself.
I’m having my hair and makeup done at the local salon this afternoon, and I’m going to look so pretty; all prize piggy on show at the fair. I’m even going to have a big red ribbon in my hair, in memory of Aunt Liz.
Maybe there’ll be a cute boy I can snog in the wool shed, maybe there won’t – I don’t really care; because the most important, most certain thing is that I’m going to be the most delicious Long Pig in the history of our entire family.
I’m going to make everyone so damn happy, and I’m just so glad I can share my story with you all, instead of hiding it in a grubby book like poor Aunt Liz.
My only real disappointment? That you won’t get to taste me.
Reader, I have loved, loved my life. My Long Pork will be out of this world: once tasted, never, ever forgotten.

I’ll try to make this as short as possible. So two days ago i came back from meeting a friend who i hadn’t seen in a year since i moved abroad to live with my partner. My boyfriend is a big gamer and spends most of his time in the bedroom since that is where his pc is, sometimes i chill on the bed if i wanna spend some time with him and that’s what i did when i came home from seeing my friend. I wanted to share something (i honestly dont remember what) but he was gaming and wanted to watch something in the game, so after what felt like 15 minutes he finally asked what i wanted to say but i had forgotten about it. I then watched some tiktoks on my phone and talked about something else. While i was talking he rolled onto my back twice (i was laying on my stomach), he is a lot taller than me and obviously heavier so its hard for me to breath and talk while he lays on top of me. I told him that it makes me feel like he’s not listening to me and doesnt t take me serious. He in return said “i was just being moody”, which made me mad because i was so happy after seeing my friend. In his defence, he did hear everything i said but i still feel like its rude to roll on people when they’re talking. I’ve had a lot of trouble expressing my feelings to him and explaining why sometimes i get sad in the past, so now i just said straight up what was making me feel upset. He went to the gym immediately after and i could hear by his tone that he got upset too.
I tried talking to him later that night before we went to bed. He pretty much just told me that i’m making things up, which surprised me because what i felt is real to me and he’s never really dismissed my feelings like that. I feel like he’s gaslighting me into believing that im making things up and me being moody when i was not. Because he dismissed my feeling like that i feel very discouraged from talking to him again about how i’m feeling. He in return feels like its not my place to tell him how he should behave when he’s talking to me. Am i rightfully upset or am i making things up like he’s suggesting?
TLDR; i told my boyfriend that he’s not taking me serious when i’m talking to him, and now he’s saying i’m making things up and being moody.

Ok for starters this is a throw away account since I know they have reddit and I DO NOT want them to see this. Also we are friends online! Don't judge I have a ton of friends in LDR 😭 Anyways. I have no idea what to think and I feel like I can't ask my friends since we are all in a big friend group and I'm afraid they will tell him. Recently, I will call him G, and I have been getting close. I will also start by saying we have been friends since December. There was some drama that happened and he blocked the whole friend group. He ended up only messaging me about coming back and everything and now we are all friends again. Since then we have been getting closer. We were still some what distant but since my boyfriend and I started having issues he's become less distant (I should also note that my boyfriend and I have basically separated after an argument). We started talking a lot more and he even opened up to me about some personal stuff. A few weeks ago I showed him a friend of mine and he decided he liked her. I tried to set them up, but it sort of fell through. I hate to admit it but I'm happy it fell through. This led to us talking even more. We are very similar in music taste, thoughts, and movies. This is where I am now wondering if he likes me or if I'm tripping. He sends me music and songs he likes all the time. He also talks about movies and we even have a list we should watch (admittedly a lot with our friends but there are a few he thinks would be better suited for just us). We also just bought concert tickets together and plan to meet up after I said I wanted to go but had no one to go with. Anytime I talk about how I want to do things he always says how he would do them with me. How he would love to go do this or that with me. But when others mention it, he sort of shys away from the idea. We also stay up late, even after our whole friend group is gone. We play games together even though I'm bad. He sends me funny messages all the time now too. To the point where if he's laughing I know I'll receive the video. He also has apologized to me before about how he wants to not be as rude to me (we make jokes for sure towards each other) and how he feels it isn't right of him to do so. He also likes my Instagram notes and comments a lot on them. I know those reasons may not make it seem likely that he likes me but there are 3 specific instances that I think of. The first is when I was complaining about how I would be bored by myself at this thing I was doing. He said he wouldn't be busy at that time and I joked we would probably just talk in our group chat. He sort of laughed then started to stutter saying, "Well you know...You know...haha" And then said, "Well if you wanted..." and stopped himself. I don't know what he was going to ask. But we spent 2 hours during said boring event talking and he showed me his guitar and how to restring it. The second is the other day we were talking about movies. There is this movie he LOVES so much. We have regular movie nights with the gang and the other day it fell through. I said I was sad and wanted to watch the movie. He started to say "well you know...if you wanted" again. After some time of talking he nervous laughed and asked if I wanted to watch another movie with him just him and I. I agreed. We got off track as we usually do and ended up on the conversation of his favorite movie again. He then asked "We could watch [name of favorite movie] instead...together if you wanted to..". That brings me to my third scenario of the fact we watched the movie together by ourselves. I should also say he almost never stutters over anything and has no issues asking me to do xyz in games we play or to watch this video ect. Those 2 stuttering moments have thrown me off completely. 

ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, we had movie night today and he turned his camera on and my god He has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. His laugh is contagious as well. I almost want to be around him The most of all of our friends because he is so kind and has the best laugh. But his smile oh my god and his eyes. That's the first thing I noticed about him. I think I may have developed a crush on him. But do you all think he may have as well?

(idk how to put multiple flairs) ANOTHER TW: MENTION OF DEPRESSION
I’ve been thinking about this for a bit and..I’m not sure how to cope or feel about this. I’m still being raised by my mom, now or what she would prefer me not to call her my mother, and she is like one of the best parents ever. Single mom’s rule right? But then we had a fallout. During the pandemic I had become depressed over many things and gained weight than I’d like to have and even got SA’d by a grown man during. (She didn’t know about this because I was too afraid at the time)I was 13 at the time when these things happened, making it hard to exist I guess. I’m 16 now, and for the past years from what my mom tells me is that I appear to be stoic whenever we hang out or spend time together, but I’m never like that with my friends. She also thinks I don’t care about her and never have loved her since 12–13. She always tells me that I have traits like a sociopath, and I feel terrible thinking about it. I already knew these things but I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Tonight, she even stated how she’s lost her original daughter and was replaced with a stranger. And she made it clear that I have to move out at 18. In the past I also had talked about my mom to my friends in a bad way because of certain things that happened during the pandemic that made me want to vent my feelings a lot. I didn’t have anyone else to vent to, cause when I would bring it up with my mom she didn’t want to talk about it. Anyway, she keeps suggesting I move in with a friend once I’m 18 or move out early. She even said how she doesn’t want me to keep anything to remember her by. And she started to cry about how shes gonna pass away alone..I always knew my mother had horrible thoughts and wanted to act on it. (She hasn’t but I’ll never know that after I leave.) She thinks I never cared because I showed nothing, but whenever I cry in front of her she says my tears are fake because I’m better the next day. It’s not that I’m better or stoic about it, it’s that I try not to cry as much as I used to when I was younger in situations like these and try to cope. It’s always something in the back of my mind. I feel like when I do move out or as she says she will if I don’t leave, I’ll always think about her and grieve, because she’s someone who’s deeply cared about me and took care of me. But whenever I state that to her, she says she just has to take care of me because law, otherwise she wouldn’t be. I genuinely don’t know what to think. Anything could happen to my mom when I leave the house and I’m left with neither parent because my dad is a deadbeat, I ruined my chances at having a parent at all.